#and i've met so many wonderful people and gained so many wonderful mutuals

[lemonyinks]

I'm just. so grateful for LOSH

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.2

George: We don't have to keep [an image] up, we just remain ourselves. Don't we, Ringo? Ringo: well, we do, I mean, it's the other two we're worried about. It's a joke about John and Paul being bigheads, but a crazy person – definitely not me – could also see it other ways if they wanted to.

Paul talking about their mutual friend when asked how they met and John telling him not to complicate it. They're so married it's ridiculous. 

Always looking at each other with every single joke. 

He looks like he's in a lovely enclosure at the petting zoo. I've always been so confused by this footage. Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on?

I LOVE that we now know Paul was cast as Thisbe and John as Pyramus and then they switched. I'm actually dying to know how and why that happened though. My first instinct was “of course. Paul was scared he'd look too convincing as a woman, so John did it for him.” But no. Paul dressed as a woman at the cavern, wore ladies lingerie in Hamburg, and wanted to do a full drag show on TV in the early seventies. So why not Thisbe?

Why do you as a man randomly bring up the color of your friend's dick while staring lovingly into his eyes?

It must be noted. They had a wonderful time playing star-crossed lovers. 

The bickering pianos are so cute! And then John (prompting Paul): and John and I . . . Paul: oh I hate this. John: will probably carry on . . . Paul: we'll carry on songwriting . . . You just know Paul didn't hear the end of that one interview answer for a long long time. And it's because John just had to hear it over and over again.

Love the editing so that Paul smacks John's ass right as the symbols crash. 10/10 A+

This iconic moment. Poor George tally number 4.

Interviewer brings up marriage and John takes a shot like he wants to forget that the whole concept even exists. Literally poor Cynthia. And not even in an “lol her husband's gay” type of way. Just in a genuine “the way their relationship fell apart actually breaks my heart because she really did love him and in his way he loved her too but they were just so thoroughly incompatible” type of way. 

Paul: makes a stupid dad joke. John: giggles gleefully and kicks his feet

I have never seen someone so disappointed that they didn't need to lend their friend a pen. Paul had his hand in his pocket before John even asked the interviewer for a pen and when the interviewer gives him one, Paul literally hangs his head like he's just been cut from the school play. I just. The obsession is frankly cartoonish. But also, he just needs to be needed, you know? How many songs does he have which conflate being needed and being loved?

The juxtaposition of Paul and John elaborately messing with the interviewer (“yes John Lenard, that's me” and “actually it's done by mirrors.”) vs George's “I don't know” and “yeah.” it's actually kind of mean editing but whatever. It is ULM not UH. Someone should make that though.

Again, John. Calm down. He's not that funny. Just look at Jimmy. That's the normal person's reaction to that joke. John is half the reason Paul has such a big head honestly. 

Paul's answer to a question about the Beatles gaining a lot of adult fans is nice. Sometimes he shocks with a bit of wisdom. Sometimes his words don't get messed up at the point they hit his throat as he says. 

What the fuck? Okay so the interviewer asks Paul what he likes in a girl, right? I've always been too distracted by Paul saying he likes a sense of humor and John doing an obnoxious fake laugh in the background because John. It's embarrassing how obvious you are. Stop.

But I never noticed Paul actually says “people”. The interviewer asks about girls and he says he likes “people - er - girls” to have a sense of humor. Huh. Okay. 

So ULM was actually what made me a serious Beatles fan and this was the first moment where I had to pause it and verify to see if what I'd just read was actually true. It really is a doozy. 

How to flirt. A guide by Paul McCartney. Step one: get your crush’s attention. This should be extremely easy. Just gesture vaguely at something you're holding. He'll be interested. Step two: do something suggestive to a phallic object. Step three: that's it. You've got him. He'll do whatever you want.

The editing in this thing truly is brutal. Just the jump cuts from a question about Cynthia to John and Paul making each other laugh to girls screaming to John and Paul unnecessarily touching to girls passed out on the ground to John and Paul desperate for each other's attention to girls waving signs to John and Paul sharing weird eye contact to girls physically mobbing them to John and Paul beaming at each other to a question about Jane. It really does drive home the immense pressure of compulsory heterosexuality back then. 

Then a question that's obviously meant to poke a nerve and start some bad feelings. “Paul. Is John the leader of the Beatles?” Easily rebuffed with “no I'm not” and “there's no real leader”. I know I'm dramatic but really it's like every aspect of that society was against them you know? And they just kind of said "fuck you, we're crazy about each other."

Question: what do they think about when they're imprisoned in their hotel rooms? John: we don't think about one thing. *Whips head to look at Paul* well, some of us do. Oh and you know that how exactly? What, do you just have a printout of his every thought? Do you keep constant tabs on his dick?

Someone give me the heterosexual explanation of that moment when John very clearly and obviously checks out and appreciates Paul's ass as he and Ringo are pretending to be cowboys. Seriously. I'm at a loss here. 

Poor George tally number six? Seven? They're asked what they'll do if England reinstates the draft. John brings up Southern Ireland. George brings up Germany. Paul and John plan their joint escape to Southern Ireland as if George hadn't even spoken. 

The choice to play “Another Girl” over that quote of John's being like ‘Paul's actually much meaner than i am’ is great. Because that's seriously such a jerk song. I don't much like Jane, honestly, but fuck, she deserved so much better than Paul. He was such a douche.  

Literally all the song choices in this are phenomenal. “Hide Your Love Away” over the montage of 60s homophobia moments? It's so genius. Saying everything without saying anything. Letting the Beatles do the talking. 

The laugh track over the cartoon is honestly so sad. Nobody asked them if they were okay with being mocked like that and they never even made a dime off it. What would that have felt like to know that your being “too close” with your best friend was a running joke on TV?

“It's only love and that is all. Why should I feel the way I do?”

[zerobaselove]

sharing sunsets | sung hanbin

pairing: sung hanbin x gn!reader

genre: fluff

word count: 871

warnings: none! lowercase intended, not proofread

prompts: 23. "why are you looking at me like that?"

notes: genuinely this had me giggling n kicking my feet! anon who requested this i hope u like it and that it's what you hoped for!

more often than not, you spent your summer nights with your best friend hanbin. calling him your best friend didn’t feel like enough, the way he made your heart race had made you realize that your feelings were far from friendly. and hanbin was too hard to read to gain any insight on how he felt; sure, he was always smiling around you and he had become more fond of skinship with you as time went on, but he was just that kind of guy.

the kind of guy that people fall for. the kind of guy you can’t help but admire as if he’s the most beautiful person in the world; and in all honesty, you were convinced he was.

these were the nights you cherished the most, the ones where you were sat on the blanket he kept in his car, watching the sun fall over the skyline, much like how you had fallen for him. 

“isn’t it so pretty?” you wondered out loud, admiring the way the shades of orange and pink blend into the horizon. “so pretty,” he muttered; not taking his eyes off of you, unbeknownst to you. you smiled, your eyes trained on the setting sun for a few moments more, “it just feels unreal, no matter how many times i see it.” you rambled on before turning to look at the boy beside you, only to find him looking back at you with an undistinguishable look in his eyes.

“why are you looking at me like that?” you questioned, tilting your head slightly as you waited for a response. he shook his head for a moment, almost as if trying to return to reality before his lips parted. “because you’re prettier than any sunset.” he said matter-of-factly, as if unaware of the effect that confession would have on you.

you weren't sure how long you had sat there, mouth dry and head empty of anything other than the boy in front of you. the pinkish orange hue being cast on his skin wasn't helping your case, not able to form a single coherent sentence. you stuttered out a few syllables, being met with his ever so patient and loving smile.

you were a goner.

"was it something i said?" he giggled after another few moments of silence from you which finally brought you back down to earth for a moment. "was it something you-" you paused, in disbelief. did he really not know what his words were doing to you? "you can't just say that to me hanbin." you whined, smacking his arm in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere and get out of your own head.

"but it's true," he started, fully turning his body to face you as you subconsciously mirrored his movements. "i mean it's no wonder i'm in love with you, look at you." now it was his turn to sit there in disbelief over his own words. "shit, i-" his hands came up to cover his face. "i really blew that didn't i, pretend you didn't hear that." the words rushed out of his mouth like a waterfall of unfiltered thoughts.

peaking through his fingers for a moment, he made eye contact with you, hiding behind his fingers again as if playing hide and seek with his feelings. "god, now why are you looking at me like that." his words had been muffled by his hands, but you could still make out what he had said, and it was your turn to be bold.

"because hanbin," you grabbed his hands in your own, "i love you more than any sunset we've seen, and i've been wondering how you've felt about me for ages now."

"we've seen a lot of sunsets you know," he joked, still trying to process the mutual confession that was happening in front of his eyes. "i know, and i still love you more than every single one combined." you both breathed a sigh of relief in sync, the anxiety of not knowing how the other felt had dissipated, blown away by the warm breeze, leaving you with a new feeling amongst yourselves.

while the sky had turned more of a blue hue, the pink had remained dusted on his cheeks, and it was the prettiest he had ever looked. he was your own personal sunset.

"is it okay if i," he hesitated, leaning in closer to you in hopes of you getting the hint. you nodded, albeit a little too eagerly, "more than okay." his hand had come up to rest on your cheek, so gently, as if you would break, before connecting your lips. the feeling of his lips on yours was better than you could've imagined. the perfect moment with the perfect boy.

"god you're so pretty," he muttered, pulling apart from the kiss with a smile spreading from ear to ear despite trying to contain it. "you can't keep saying that to me hanbin." your blush intensified, looking down at your shoelaces to avoid his gaze, but he wasn't having that at all; lifting your chin to look at him, being met with a smile that you were sure would kill you. "i'm going to keep saying it, so get used to it."

[fuckyeahdindjarin]

how tf to start

hi babes, first *big fan big fan*. i used to write a bit on here and honestly just got too out of it but your works high key kinda inspired me to get back into it. i've had this idea for a whiskey fic and like started an obnoxiously detailed outline but since i'm not rly in the fic space, i'm hoping to find someone that i could bounce ideas off of. could i ask what you did when you first started? i want to be able to continue to motivate myself, and obviously while external validation is not the most important, it is a part of it lmao. i appreciate you and hope you're enjoying your august, you talented thing, you!

Hi lovely! Thank you for your kind words, I'm seriously blushing so hard and so happy for you that you're getting back into writing! I got a bit nostalgic looking back at my Tumblr journey, but here it goes -

I started off on Tumblr the same way many did - by lurking 😂 Coming from FF.net and a few years away from fic in general, I was amazed by the community I saw. It took me a few months to work up the courage to reblog and comment on the fics that I was silently reading, and I was amazed when writers replied! It was such an adrenaline rush, being part of a community, which I've never experienced before.

When I posted my first fic, a Din oneshot, I didn't have any friends or mutuals. The fic got mostly likes, and I was so happy about it because I used to get so little interaction on FF. Everything changed when I posted Consent. It gained a readership thanks to all my wonderful readers who reblogged it, and I was very fortunate that a couple of established writers very very kindly read and reblogged it.

One thing that I've always done from day one is to respond to every single person who interacts with my fics. It's so important to me that my readers know that I appreciate them so so much. It's through interacting that I met my first friends - both fellow writers and readers - most of whom I'm still friends with today.

So what I'm trying to say, very ineloquently, is that I got started by getting involved in the community, and I still do my best to be as active as I can. I (try to) read fics (sorry time is so tight lol), I reblog fics/art/gifs, I signal boost fics that I don't have time to read, I chat to my friends. Interaction is the bedrock of our community, and especially for creators, it's the way to meet like-minded people. And in building your community, hopefully you'll find people who will become friends who will cheer you on, and you will cheer on.

Having said all that, everyone goes about Tumblr differently, this is just my experience. I didn't go into Tumblr with a 'plan' either, this is just the way things panned out for me over the past year and a half. I hope you have fun getting into the community! If you do end up writing that Jack fic, let me know, I would love to signal boost 😘

[mairen-marionette]

Top 5 fandoms for the ask game?

Thank you for the ask! Like, in terms of the actual fandoms and stuff- 1. SCP- I've been into for a very long time and it's the one I'm currently most invested in right now I'd say. Like the majority of my Wips are for this fandom, I'm actually properly active in a discord server now, I've met some really cool people, and something about the resurged interest has been fueling me for some time now and I'm loving it. I was into it before I even really looked at mcyt, have always been interacting with it in some way ever since, and now I'm here. And I'm doing great.

2. General MCYT- Inactive as I may be now, dsmp/tftsmp and Hermitcraft will always hold a special place in my heart, The Life Series lives in my head rent free, and I still enjoy watching mcyt stuff even though I've burned out of the things I got really invested in for a hot minute. Especially considering that dsmp and tales are the things that pushed me into being more active on here and how I gained so many of my wonderful mutuals!

3. Lotr + Silmarillion- the things that made me get tumblr so I could see more fan stuff, first watched the Jackson films when I was very young and actually discovered the Silmarillion from ffnet actually (long story there) and while I'm not like, as active in the fandom anymore it, again, is an interest that's ways going to be there in some way I'd say. Hobbit's also lumped in there somewhere but it's mainly Lord of the Rings and Silm. I have the books too. 4. The Silt Verses- I'd feel weird if I didn't put this one somewhere on here, I'd rank it higher because I love it dearly and check the tag daily it's just that I am not too active in the fandom outside of reblogging stuff and going insane. I am not ready for the ending I am not.

5. Star Wars- Another childhood interest of mine that I also ended up using Tumblr for. I've like, largely drifted away sadly but will always love it and will probably cycle back to it at some point.

[dangerscully]

I just had a browse back through some of my IRL adventure-related tags on my blog and then I realised that it’s been 3 years (to the month, I don’t know the date) since I started watching this Dumb Show. And the places that it’s taken me, taken us, as a result... it’s Wild.

I have so many close friends who I’ve spoken to on a daily basis - or near enough to it - for over two of those three years. 

I’m so grateful to the good parts of this community, and I’m so excited that All About Eve is going to bring so many of us together (both physically, and spiritually) all over again over the next few months.

I’ve been lucky, and everyone I’ve spoken to as a result of this fandom is a real good egg. Love yous.

[cherry-bomb-ships]

Hi everyone today has been a Lot, but I just wanted to bring up real quick that today was the third-year anniversary of me being in the self-ship community!! I created my old blog, tuff-and-fluff, on this day back in 2019, and despite all the things both I and the community has been through, I've still met so many wonderful people and gained so many wonderful f/os!

These anniversary posts of mine are usually much more lengthy and full of thanks to mutuals and all that, but I really just do not have the energy right now so let me wrap it up like this: when I made my self-ship blog, I had five f/os. Now I have 19. And when it came to friends here on Tumblr, I don't think I had any. But now I can't even count how many great mutuals I've connected with!!

So thank all of you for being here with me. Whether you've been following me since the start, or just hopped on board recently, I really do appreciate you all being here supporting me and my silly little self ships. Once again, thanks so much, y'all. 🥺💖🥺💖🥺💖🥺💖🥺💖

[atzsslut]

Bask In Your Scent | fluff

Florence, 2020 with Jung Yuno 

fluff : (as a writer, fuck the pandemic i am not writing abt smiling thru a mask so this is no pandemic 2020!), PLS Y/N AND YUNO ARE PAINFULLY CLUELESS HERE, english-speaking, reader owns a candle shop / jaehyun (yuno) owns a flower shop, florence is slightly romanticized (but it is very beautiful), slow burn, mutual pining, etc. ♡ 5.43k words

Florence. The roofs were all tiled with brown ceramic, the rays of sun reflecting entirely over the mountain to the buildings so close by. In the morning, it was incredibly serene. The cobblestone streets sounded with taps from your feet walking over from your shop to the one beside you—something you did every time the clock hit 8:00 AM. Or something he did every 8:00 AM. Sometimes you two met in the middle. 

Let alone in November, the sun still came up over the cold weather, perfectly blanketing the city with a slight warmth despite the temperature being below freezing. Romantic, and yet no ounce of love was ever proclaimed between the two of you. Not that it was faraway. 

Looking up to the sky, past the beautiful architecture that vastly lingered in every inch of the city, you admired the moving clouds. It reminded you of his favorite colour; white. You watched him through the glass doors of his shop, which was a similar size to yours. Breathing out, you pushed the door open with one hand. 

"Benvenuti!" was what you heard the second you came into the shop, the usual 'welcome' that the boy yelled whenever he listened to the bell on the glass door ring. 

"Yuno," you chuckled, "It's just me." 

"Oh? You're later than usual," he interjected, knowing that you usually came at 8:00 O'Clock on the dot (and it was 8:45), "Good morning." 

He wasn't looking to the door, as he was prepping a pot behind the counter, back facing the storefront. Typically, when you did come into the shop, Yuno was looking ahead and greeted you with a smile. His hair was a mess this time, and his apron, much more than usual, was dirtied with soil and water. 

You were busy packing up the big order you had gotten to make hundreds of taper candles, hence your tardiness. Going to visit each other in the morning was something like brushing your teeth, normalized and constant; you both couldn't go without it.

"Are you busy? I can come back later," you suggested, holding the door, prepared to go out if you were a burden to him, "Because..."

He could tell that you were implying to his unkempt appearance. Yuno had gotten a last-minute order a week ago to prepare over a hundred small bouquets for a wedding ceremony. Since he owned the flower shop alone, he had stayed up to finish everything before the time due. Luckily for Yuno, you had come when he was doing the last one. 

"No, no," he quickly denied, "Please, come in." 

Shifting your feet, you closed the door and took gradual steps up to the counter where Yuno was, the shop relatively spacious as it was distributed with bloomed flowers and packaged seeds. Compared to your shop, Yuno's was just a tad brighter and looked the most beautiful during the day. As for you, yours looked mesmerizing when dawn came, the candles you made lighting the store. 

Yuno had always relished your presence, even if it meant that he'd lose a few minutes from his morning to plant in the garden out back or prep flowers. Unbeknownst to one another, the redamancy you both had for each other was visible through the small acts done on a day-by-day basis. 

Often enough, Yuno had provided you with flowers that were left over so you could make scented extracts and decoration for your candles. You were eternally grateful to him, as your candles wouldn't look as pretty as they did without his offerings. As for you to Yuno, you were the reason he never had a single plant put to waste, and you knew all of the best patisseries around. More than enough times, you'd brought him a different kind of pastry in the morning to wake him up. 

Was it gratitude, or was it merely because two shop owners were all too scared to face their feelings? 

"So, what do you have to do today?" you asked, pacing around the counter, never not in awe by how messily the flowers were organized, yet how lovely it was. Much to say the least, it was very Yuno-esque. Disordered yet still admirable. 

"I have to drive these to the wedding in Villa Cora. You?" 

"Wait, actually? You're going to Villa Cora?" 

Yuno furrowed his eyebrows, not knowing that you had any business there as well. It seemed that the daily conversations you two had passed the topic of going to the same destination, both for different reasons, yet on the same day. 

"Yeah, a hundred bouquets I told you about, those are for a wedding there."

"They hired me to make candles for their decor. I need to send it to them today by 10:00 AM. What time do you need to go?"

"When you came in, I was finishing up the last bouquet. And I've gotta be there pretty soon, by 9:30." Yuno said, hiding the fact of him having to be there the same time as you was bringing him some joy, "Would.. you like me to drive you there?"

"You want to go together?" it felt like rhetoric more than anything since you were well aware that the answer was 'yes.' 

"Yes." Yuno was always poised about asking you things that seemed romantic or doing acts of service that could possibly be his love language, but you two had been each other's 'comfort people' for so long that it was impossible to tell. 

"Besides, a little bit of company in the front seat never hurt anybody." Mostly if it was you, Yuno thought. 

There was this charm about Yuno that always managed to fill the whole room. Despite his face, which was too handsome for you not to be caught staring, Yuno had a personality that matched yours like a puzzle. No, he wasn't perfect, and nor were you, but it was accepting that everything about him couldn't always be as poise as his appearance was how you fell for him. And him to you. 

There were one too many favors that you both have done for one another that seemed to parallel. You both would come running to each other's shops if Yuno were to prick his finger with a thorn, or if you were to burn yours from hot wax. You both would be each other's noses when the other was having the flu to check if the flowers were right or if the extract in the candle wasn't pungent enough. 

It seemed that your game of Tom & Jerry to gain each other's love continued to go on, albeit you two were already in love. Only painfully unaware of each other's doting. 

"I just need to go upstairs first and change," Yuno said as he struggled to take his apron off. For the past three days, he barely took it off, and it seemed the knot tightened. 

"Yu-" you bit your lip to hide your unmistakable laugh, "Yuno, come around here. I'll help you."

Hesitant, his footsteps were heavy on the ground, eyes refusing to look at yours as he walked to where you were. Since he was taller than you, whether it was by a lot or not, your hands went above eye-level to untie the knot. 

He smelt of pure earth mixed with the slight fragrance of white roses and baby's breath flowers, but it was the pollen stuck in his hair that made your lips go from ear to ear. Adorable, you thought, seeing the little dots of yellow litter his dark hair. 

Managing to untie the knot from both the neck and the waist tie, you tapped his shoulders to signal that you were done. Spinning his body 180 degrees, his eyes met with yours, and your breath hitched. Your eyes blinked profusely, shocked at the sudden gaze. 

But it seemed impulsive when Yuno breathed in, taking in a scent that he never usually associated with you. Whenever you came into the shop, he never failed to pick up the signature scent that lingered whenever you were around; eucalyptus and chamomile. Yet somehow, this time around, you seemed to smell like nutmeg and neroli, maybe cinnamon too. 

"Did..." he was reluctant to ask, in the fear he'd seem peculiar, "Did you get a new perfume?" 

You were surprised by his question, shellshocked that he even noticed how the new concoctions you were making for your ordered candles completely overpowered your routine perfume. You tried to hold back the urge to grin, your teeth showing as you failed to do so. 

"For the Villa Cora order," you welled up to him, "I guess what they asked for was rather strong. I'm... surprised you even noticed." 

"It's like when you're used to seeing something every day. When it's not there and out of your site, you question its absence. It was odd for me to not get a routinely whiff of your usual perfume, Y/N." he admitted, only making you feel more lauded than before. 

"Oh." was all you could spit out before Yuno awkwardly cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his apron. 

He gestured towards the door behind the cashier, where the stairs that led up to his room were. The same structure adorned your shop, where the door behind the counter would lead to your home. Small, but nowhere near worn. 

At this point, Yuno wasn't necessarily sure if his house was simply everything he asked for, or he was able to make it through with you around. 

Not wanting to make you wait any longer, he ran up the stairs to rush to his room (to which you had heard every rushed stride, not that he knew). Indeed, you thought, a gentleman.  Sometimes, Yuno gave you your daily dose of comedic relief, his actions bringing a laugh out of you until your stomach hurt. You wondered, does he feel the same? 

Does she feel the same? He wondered the equivalent, this time as he was picking out which sweater to use this cold November. Since the one he was wearing previously was dirtied, despite his apron. 

Yuno always wondered if it were a fate that brought you two together in Florence. He remembered the first day that he had gotten there two and a half years ago, the shop that remained vacant up until his moving boxes filled the room. The cost of living wasn't as expensive as he predicted, but he needed many things to change. 

Unlike Connecticut and Seoul, Florence was just about perfect for allowing flowers to continually bloom. If it was too sunny, the architecture had a form of protection. Even if the weather changed, another plant species would simply replace another, filling Yuno's shop with a new flower. 

As for you, you got there a week before Yuno did, your shop already entirely set from the way the candles were displayed at the storefront. Intrigued, he stepped into the shop to find you behind the cashier, only for you to be his only fluent friend in English. He had asked you why you kept all the candles in black glass, leading to a conversation that went on for three hours about flowers and candles. 

To say the least, there was much more in common than what met the eye. 

Since then, you two have always just been intertwined. Whether it was an invisible red string of fate, the reality was that destiny might be real for the two of you. If and when the love is proclaimed, that is. 

Throwing his apron towards his bed, which then became dirty (assuming it wasn't already), he picked out a sweater in peach. Putting it on over his head, Yuno walked over to his bathroom and kicked the door open with his foot. Looking in the mirror, he took his chain out of the under of his sweater to make it visible, pushing his bangs back to fix his hair. 

He looked at the time, seeing that it was precisely 9:00 AM already. A string of curses followed along his lips as he ran to his closet once again, grabbing his coat. Rushing downstairs, the same way he did before going upstairs, he was now met with you in a coat and a few other boxes. 

He guessed that through the time he was upstairs, you'd grabbed your packages next door to not waste any more time. It was a good thing that he had loaded all except one of his boxes the night before, as he finished the last bouquet this morning. 

"Ready to go, Jung?" you teased, using his last name to provoke him. 

Yuno took his car keys from the drawer with a nod, clicking the button that turned on the truck outside. Packing in his last bouquet, you went ahead to the vehicle as you opened the door with your back while carrying one of the boxes you had. Setting it down on the street for a short second, you opened the trunk and placed the first one inside.

You weren't surprised by the numerous crates that were already inside the truck, knowing that Yuno didn't often get big orders, but when he did, it was the ones that caused the skin around his eyes to whither. The same went for you, most of the time having customers loyal to your shop rather than commercial purchases. 

You still had about four boxes left to stuff into the trunk, absolutely exhausted from the constant melting and molding you had to do for taper candles. Much to your surprise, Yuno was carrying his own crate while carrying two of your boxes. 

Racing over to him, you scolded him for doing that, knowing that a large number of candles carried substantial weight. He argued that he could do it, but you rebutted back, saying that it didn't matter. As you quickly finished packing up the things, shutting the back with a loud noise, you both got into the front seats by 9:05, driving away as the engine turned on. 

"Did you stay up all night last night?" you broke the silence, fiddling with your bag that was on your lap.

"Yeah," his eyes didn't leave the road as he spoke, determined to drive exceptionally well in your presence, "Didn't you too?" 

"Only to fill in the last batch into the molds. Meanwhile, you had to assemble all those flowers into those glass pots. Please tell me that you didn't break any."

"How... how did..." he remembered that you were his next-door neighbour in a way, and you had a knack of staying up late too. More or less, the chances of you hearing him accidentally break glass was heard. 

"Yeah. How many did you break?" there was a slight pause, making you sigh out, "Be honest."

"Two..." he admitted, his gaze sticking to the road, not even sparing a glance at you out of embarrassment. You knew him so well. 

There was a brief stillness before you began to laugh, trying not to as you clasped your hands on your mouth, mumbling out apologies in between each sound from amusement. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is my suffering funny to you?"

"Yeah!" you said in between gasps of air.

"Y/N, don't make me talk about the time you were too impatient for the purple-coloured lavender wax to cool, and you ended up overheating the glass, and it broke." 

"Hey!" you resisted, "At least it was ONE glass. It wasn't TWO like you did." 

"Okay, but it takes a lot to break the thick glass you use for candles. Please Y/N, there is no argument here." Yuno glimpsed at the GPS, "Oh, we're almost there." 

"What are you on about?" you giggled, "There is so much room for argument here, especially if we're talking about mishaps. I may be caught off guard sometimes, but no one can match how clumsy you are, Yuno."

"Well," he spoke as he took the turn up the hill to Villa Cora, "I cannot count the number of times I've seen you through my window, tripping on the cobblestone." 

Although you were embarrassed, it was humorous that maybe you were more clumsy than you anticipated. Knowing well that Yuno was somebody who didn't only see the good sides of you, and yet he didn't judge you for them, it never failed to astonish you. After knowing him for quite a while, you knew that although Yuno was patient, he also had a side where frustration could take him over. 

You've seen him angry, comforted him through sadness, and you've never thought of him as a bad person- not even once. You remembered when he snubbed you for the first time, finding out that you had gone on a date with the waiter who worked in a restaurant nearby. No, he wasn't mean or harsh, but the cold impression he left on you for a few days made you question his motives. 

But you let it pass since you only said yes to the waiter because you wanted to stop thinking about Yuno. You always thought (and so did he), why risk ruining a dynamic that was already well set in stone? 

"Are you going from the back too? I think that's where they collect mass orders," you asked, not knowing if Yuno would be going from the back towards the wedding's area.

"I'm going from the east entrance, straight to the venue." he answered, going straight to where you needed to be, "But, I'm pretty sure you'll need some help with those boxes, and I'll need help with the bouquets. We'll drop off yours first, then go to mine." 

"Ooh! Smart, smart." you acknowledged, liking the fact you wouldn't be separated from Yuno at Villa Cora. 

"As if I have ever been stupid." Yuno bickered. 

"Mhm." you sarcastically agreed, unbuckling the seatbelt at the same time as him to get out of the truck. 

Heading to the trunk, Yuno opened it and helped you take your things into the villa. After chattering about with the stock manager, who checked the boxes and assured everything was safe, you two were then given clear instructions on how to get to the wedding venue. 

In the short drive there, you told Yuno how satisfied you felt to drop off the hundreds of taper candles you had made in a short period, not being able to count the number of times you had to put a pain relief patch on your neck from crouching too much. 

"Yuno, it's fine," you said sternly, assuring that hard work came with a bit of pain, "I'm used to it, you know that-"

"Woah." you both said in unison, looking at how the venue looked from the outside. It seemed that Yuno's bouquets were the finishing touches, as everything was mostly set already. Like the colour of the flowers he had chosen, the decorations were white and gold, with a few turquoise touches. 

Elegant and enchanting was how you could explain it. 

You've always had a complicated relationship with weddings. You didn't know if you loved or hated them. You questioned the concept of loving somebody so much that the law had to be involved. Why couldn't the universe just let love be love and not need a marriage's social construct? Or registering your names into city hall to proclaim the marriage? 

But at the same time, with the weddings you had gone to (which was your aunt's third wedding, your older brother's, and your eldest cousin), you were not in awe by the beauty of them. 

 And you've always had dreams of saying those "I do's" or vows with tears streaming down your face, your face not beaming from them but from your eternal happiness to be bound to the person who's it. 

But as you were lost thought about weddings, it seemed that your body had acted on its own when you realized that Yuno had settled all the crates. You two were already in the venue, Yuno greeting the bride who apparently was friends with one of his friends. 

"I really didn't know that!" Yuno exclaimed, "Oh, excuse me. This is my... friend, Y/N. She works at a candle shop beside me and just dropped off an order for the villa."

You always liked it when Yuno spoke Italian. Anyone in the world could say Spanish or French were the two most romantic languages, but you would oppose. When Yuno began to speak in the language you had to learn before coming to Florence, you began to feel lightheaded hearing how he sounded. 

All too attractive for you to take in. 

"Y/N! It's nice to meet you, I'm Sofia. I'm the bride for today's wedding!" 

"It's very nice to meet you too. Everything is so beautiful," you then faced Sofia after looking around and shaking her hand, "You look wonderful."

"Thank you. Yuno tells me that you make candles. When my house is settled, and I come back from my honeymoon, I will definitely call you." 

"Of course, I'd love to satisfy a new customer." you then looked at Yuno, who was standing by your left side, "Should we take care of the glass bouquets now?"

"Oh, of course, of course." he said, "Sofia, we'll set them up then leave right after. You said that the guests are coming soon?"

"What? You two don't have to leave so fast!" she exclaimed, "Some of my family members from another town suddenly can't come. I have a table that you two can settle in. Please, I insist."

You took a glance at yourself by facing down to your clothes, questioning if they were appropriate. Sofia argued that they were and said that it didn't matter. Although the wedding was set very extravagantly, she explained that her family came from "humble beginnings" and that they wouldn't care. 

As time went on, you two were almost done setting all of the small glass pots, one on the center of each table. They were simple, but it made you happy to see a bit of Yuno in a grand place you couldn't believe was real. Associating white with the colour of Heaven was right when it could be used to define Yuno. 

After all, he was your paradise. 

"You did a great job, Yuno," you admitted, walking beside him to the table that Sofia had said was for you two, "Everything goes so well together, and you worked so hard."

"Thank you." the porcelain skin of his face, reddened, "And thank you to you for accompanying me."

"You should never say thank you when I'm around. The things I do aren't for 'thank you's. I do them because I want to." you shrugged, "Besides, spending time with you like this is nice."

"You don't get too tired of seeing me everyday?"

"No, of course not. I'm surprised you're not tired of seeing ME-"

"I would never be," he answered too quickly. He knew because he noticed, and by the way you looked at him with widened eyes told him so. Clearing his throat, hand scratching the back of his neck, Yuno then looked at you. 

"I.. uh.." you paced awkwardly. You then saw people begin to fill the room, giving you an excuse, "I need to go to the bathroom and freshen up. I'll be right back. Okay?" 

"Okay," he answered, his eyes not leaving you until you were out of his sight, "Fuck."

He muttered to himself swears, confused on why he had to be painfully apparent on today of all days. He was relieved to some extent that you weren't nonchalant and cold, but he also questioned certain things you said that could stay on his mind for hours. 

Him not having to give thanks to you, you admitting you loved the time you spent with him, all those things lead to his question now; Are we just friends, or have we ever been since the first time we met? 

Friends don't love him like you do. 

Friends don't treat him like you do. 

Friends, it was something you both didn't want to be. And it was clear. Yuno, not defeated but wearied from all the uncertainty, sighing in the wooden chair provided at the venue. You, washing your face with cold water in the villa bathroom, taking a breath in to realize that he had hesitated when he introduced you as just his 'friend.' 

The night went on, admiring Yuno's bouquets displayed at the center of the round tables throughout the tall-ceiling room. You gave yourself some time when people started to come in to clean yourself up, not that you weren't well put already, but you were the only lady in casual wear. You felt a little bit shy, seeing the little kids who were in fancy, glittering dresses that made your nicely knit creme sweater to look shabby. 

When you got back to Yuno, he was sat at the table alone, admiring the decorations on the walls. You couldn't help but let the fondness you had for him take over your expression. Although he was a simple man, he loved paying attention to the details that surrounded him. Even if that meant using a different sized chain for different types of clothing, his consideration of those kinds of things made him better. 

Before he noticed you were there, you took the time to look around, which then automatically made you look forward towards the dance floor. Nearly all of the seats were empty, and crowds, as the bride and groom were dancing the center, had filled the space with excitement. 

Your eyes drifted back then to Yuno, who had now noticed that you were back from the bathroom. He had his elbow on the seat, looking back at you with his signature smile. You didn't know what it was, maybe it was the flare from all the lights or the pollen that was previously stuck in his hair, but it seemed that golden specks were beginning to circle around him. 

Your chest tightened as you silently came up to him, not knowing exactly what you were doing. Your body was impulsively moving on its own when you opened your palm to him and asked, 

"Would you care for a dance?" 

Your tone came off more as a joke, but you meant it all the same. It shouldn't be weird, right? You thought, this is what friends do. He stood up, taking your hand in his, immediately moving with a groove to the upbeat song. No, this doesn't seem weird at all, you thought again, as he waved your arms around with his. 

Goofing around as if no one was looking, not that they were, this was the most fun you had had in weeks. Not that the mornings you spent with Yuno weren't lovely enough, or the time you met up with your friends wasn't great, but it seemed that both you and Yuno never got to spend a moment like this. 

But as you two had your fun, every moment you two spent with each other got more and more agonizing. The uncertainty of seemingly never knowing that you two were absolutely in love with each other was consuming.

But tonight was different. 

Tonight, when the MC announced the next song to be slow, both you and Yuno were breathless as you both had sat down for a break. In unison, you both looked towards the speakers when it began to play James Blake's rendition of 'The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face.' 

"I love this song," you whispered. It reminded you of when you first met Yuno, coming into your shop with surface knowledge about Florence. 

"Me too," he said back, your gaze meeting his. 

Standing up once again, this time offering your hand in a more careful manner than before. For a bit of time, just for a bit, Yuno stared at your hand in doubt.

He didn't doubt that he wanted to dance with you because, God, you were the only person he'd like to dance to this song with. But wanted to know if this was real. 

With your hand in his, as he took it, it seemed a bit odd at first. It was different from all the times you had touched his hand to bandage a small wound from a few rose thorns, and it was different from when you invited him to dance before. Unlike then, it felt more still. More intimate. 

You only then noticed that it was just the two of you, not on the dance floor, near the end of the tables. Even the children were dancing with their parents, staying put to space. As it was a wedding, the focus was on the bride and groom. Barely any light emitted on you two, only the orange-toned lamps screwed into the wall structures being the only source of light. 

Dark, yet it felt like home. Filled with warmth and reassurance. 

Yuno spun your body with his hand, giggling when you dizzily caught yourself on his chest. Your right hand feeling the material of his sweater, the other hand interlaced with his. It seemed that the fun had faded, but not happiness. Nothing was heard from either of you except for the faltering breaths that both you and him let out. 

As you tried to somewhat space yourself away from his chest, Yuno let go of your left hand and instead snaked his arm around your waist. Although much doubt came into his head if it was appropriate to do, he could tell that you weren't pulling away any time soon. 

Maybe, if he was right, that meant something. 

Unlike before, you had given up on separating yourself from him, laying your head against his chest. Now that your left hand had been let go off, it trembled as you brought it to his shoulder. 

A surge suddenly ran through the both of you when the tips of your fingers accidentally brushed against the bare skin of his neck. It wasn't much, but you tried to blame it on his warm skin and your cold fingers. Knowing that wasn't true, you let out a shaky breath from your nostrils. 

You felt like you wanted to cry when Yuno placed his chin on the top of your head, cupping your right hand in his. Once again, the same feeling came about when your skin touched his. 

Something as simple as skin touching skin managed to make your heart palpitate, thankful he couldn't hear it. But as he couldn't listen to yours, you could listen to his. With your head against his chest, facing your intertwined hand in his, you counted the beats.

One-two ... one-two ... one-two ...

One-two .. one-two .. one-two.

It sped up, you thought. It made you wonder if you were making Yuno nervous; if you've ever made him nervous like this before. Maybe there was a reason you two never spent any nights together, often seeing each other in daylight that this was new. 

New yet inviting. 

"Do you hate it?" Yuno suddenly asked, feeling the vibrations against the shell of your ear when he spoke from his chest. 

"Hate what?" you asked, not knowing what he was implying.

"This." he said, "Us."

You pulled away from him. He looked down at you, his eyes filled with questions, hope, anything, and everything, including love. Again, the same feeling of wanting to cry washed over you. You weren't disgusted, miserable, or disappointed. In the rare case that you were feeling one too many things, it seemed that you wanted to shed tears of joy. 

This was it. You thought, He's it. 

Is this it? He asked himself, Will she finally understand? 

Your nose twitched, holding back with whatever strength you had left. For a split second, you averted your eyes to the crowd, then back to Yuno. The people’s appreances, the bride’s primarily, the venue, the flowers he had used, and they were all beautiful. 

But at this moment, the two of you were the defining image of passion at a wedding that wasn't even yours. 

Using a tone a tad higher than your usual voice, due to your attempt to not cry, you gave him the answer he had been waiting for two years. Well, not only him, but it was for both of you. For the sake that God, or whoever, whatever controlled the universe would finally let out a sigh of satisfaction when you answered, 

"I could get used to this." 

[pendragyn]

To anyone wondering why I'm so cynical about this one compared to the other scam asks, here's why: I received 4 begging asks all at the same time, all with a similar sob story claiming to be in Gaza. 2 were the typical 3 random words usernames and 2 were names recognizable as Muslim by an American. I deleted and blocked the first Muslim-ish named one before I realized there were three more to deal with. Mohammed-665 and a 3wordname had the same date on their first post.

Do you know how scammers find users to message? The bots find popular posts and scan the notes for active usernames. Every time the one viral post goes around about ask culture, I get inundated with scam asks.

So I ask myself; How did this one find my blog? I haven't reblogged a charity post that wasn't from a mutual in recent years so it's not like I'm known for that. But more than that my queue ran out and I haven't made any posts in a week or more, so how did 4 of them miraculously find me, if they aren't from the same bot farm? Seems a really low likelihood that they not only have the same first post date as a 3word scammer blog but also just happened to find me by accident *at the same time* as 2 3word scammers do.

The fact is that at this point I don't trust anyone who sends random people they've never met messages begging for money. I've seen dozens of scam asks over the years with every kind of sob story, no tragedy bad enough be left unmarked for profit. Alleged cancer patients, child cancer patients, single Black moms with sick children, diabetics struggling to get insulin, and now Palestinians trying to escape the genocide in Gaza.

Strangely enough, a random anonymous blog on Tumblr that messages me out of the blue with a sob story and says essentially "trust me bro" does not actually inspire trust.

Could they be real? I guess? But there are too many red flags for me to think so.

Frankly I wish the worst to all these scammers using other people's tragedies as digital camouflage for their thievery, and I hope they suffer from their ill-gotten gains. I hope their friends and families find out what they're doing and drop them like the pieces of shit that they are.

Hello dear.. Please don't skip my message My name is Mohammed, from the afflicted and destroyed Gaza Strip, where life has become impossible and tragic, and where we see death and pain every moment and every day. Our children suffer from hunger, pain, deprivation and lack of medicine. The war deprived them of playing, school, and their most basic rights. They are now suffering from woes and tragedies. 😭😭 During the war, my wife gave birth to a child and I could not find any milk for him Our conditions are tragic, and we live in a shelter that lacks the minimum requirements for life and is plagued by diseases and epidemics Please help me save my children from the hell of the Gaza Strip and provide them with a decent life 😔 Your assistance, no matter how simple, is enough to ease the burden on us and help us overcome our crisis. Please sympathize with me and donate to me or contribute to sharing the campaign and spreading it widely

another scam blog made at the same time as the previous one. shocking.

[aestuavis]

I have a question for you. I'm sorry if this seems a little odd. But I've been roleplaying on Tumblr for years now. With the obvious pull from the site, a lot of my roleplaying partners has left or just stopped completely. Myself included. But I want to start roleplaying again. I've been a follower of you for awhile now so I just want to ask one thing: how do you remain so active on your account?

[ hellu hellu ! omg it’s not odd at all, really ! no need to apologize ! i’ve been here for like ... six years ( wow, had it been that long ? ) i’ve seen so many people come and go, have lost a few partners and gained new ones along the way but it had been really enjoyable journey for me. okay, i’m not sure if my advice would be anything useful but i’ll try my best !

tbh, there are a few things that help me stay active and not lose motivation here. one of those is the fact that this blog is a multimuse.

i cannot stress this enough, and i’m not sure how long you’ve been following me but those who had been with me since the very beginning would know that i started this blog as a single-muse blog with only akane as my muse. that was six years ago. along the years, i’ve added other protectors, then adding a whole list of my side muses to expand on that. this, right here, is what helping me keep my motivation on being active. this is due to the fact that, no matter how much i love akane, there would come a time where i have run out of ideas to write with her. it doesn’t mean i love her any less as a muse, but it’s because i’ve expanded and written so much for her that i’ve hit a kind of block to move forward. this is where having multiple muses on the same blog come into play, and this is why i like having multimuse blog where i have many muses in one blog than having many blogs that i have to jump around all the time.

when i don’t feel one particular muse, and i’m sure everyone has that day where you don’t feel your muse, you can move to other muses that fit your emotions, your feelings, and your mood at that moment in time. i find this to be very helpful, tbh ? like really helpful for me who had so little time after my full day of work ( i work 9-6 weekdays. ) some days i’m really stressed, and i don’t want to write heavy things, so i would lean towards writing muses who are more lighthearted, and cute, for example. having one blog containing many different muses help me juggle my own state of mind and churn out content that i’m able to create without stressing myself out too much !

another important part for me is to take a break when you need to. when real life things are getting too much, or your time to be online is lessened, when things are too busy for you to be online, don’t force yourself to be here. treat roleplaying as it is, a stress-reliever and a hobby. you’re supposed to have fun instead of feeling pressured to write. you’d lose motivation to roleplay so easily when you force yourself to create while your mind isn’t in the condition to. i actually had taken many hiatus before, ranging from a month to longest was six months, i think ? but i find myself coming back because writing is one way for me to relieve stress and to let my creativity run wild ! i’ve been blessed by such wonderful people and mutuals who had been so understanding that my activity is sometimes sporadic, and i can take quite a bit to answer threads. i’m fortunate to have them being patient and kind with me !

lastly, communication. roleplaying without talking to your partners could end up with either of you running out of ideas or thoughts to continue the threads. i find that talking to my partners had helped me think of scenarios, to skip the repetitive first meeting or do some memes/asks that has timeskip towards where the muses are more acquainted can help you renew the feel to write when you’re stuck at a scenario ! i’ve met so many people and made so many friends during my time here. roleplaying is creating stories with your partners, after all, so talk to them, bounce ideas off one another, and have fun !

i’m not sure if these advices are helpful for your case or not, but please feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk ! you can always come off anon and nudge me in my IM if you wish to plot something or get back to writing ! i’d love to help you get back to roleplay again and write with you ! X33 hope you have a wonderful day on your end ! ]

[sunnymooo]

today, i laughed so much. i smiled from ear to ear every moment i could check my phone, and i got lost in my happy little thoughts in the moments i couldn't. joining stan twitter was one of the best decisions i've ever made. it's been a long time since i felt this giddy. i love mamamoo so much, and gosh do i love our absolutely gay as fuck fandom.

context for all the giggles - basically mamamoo who hasn't been altogether in ages (to the point where weirdos on the internet are always spreading rumors they disbanded) finally joined each other as four again this past weekend for a kpop festival that took place in germany and this experience single-handedly revived the fandom on all of social media. not only did old moos come out of the woodworks to hang out again, but new moos rode the wave of excitement and joined the fandom to be welcomed with open arms. on twitter, we had a seriously huge following spree trend take place, where everyone was introducing themselves as new or old moos asking for more ot4 mutuals. i waited until after the concerts ended and the girls landed back in korea to post mine. but i didn't expect to get... that much interaction on the tweet???? woof! i mean every minute of today i either gained a follower or received 5 notifications of new mutuals liking and commenting on my content. honestly, it's so wonderful! i made so many friends today! omg! and i still am!

so all day i've just gotten to be silly with my mutuals - new and old. i know they're just internet friends and i go through a lot of internet friends phases and usually end up losing them to time, but still, i'm really attached to everyone and really happy to get to share the love i feel for these girls with others who are so similar to me. in this fandom, there's a lot of simping, a lot of memeing, a lot of joking, a lot of flirting - we're honestly just a bunch of lesbians and queer people having a good time and sincerely loving mamamoo with all our hearts.

before coming back to work i knew i needed to get involved with something outside of the resort so that i could understand myself and see a future outside of the place that runs so much of my life. it isn't exactly what i had in mind, but it actually works pretty well. the cast of characters i interact with on a daily basis over stan twitter is so far removed from tdlr; with them i can truly feel like my own silly self, and my interactions with them serve as a direct reminder that i exist outside of the place in which i work. even though some of us have barely met, i already am so comfortable and giggly with them on my silly little account. it's just so nice to be me in more places than just............ disney. lol.

anyway, i just wanted to say that it feels really healing. to pick up my phone and have something to laugh about - something that has me grinning from ear to ear - that's incredibly precious! especially when i've been so stressed out seeing people i super don't want to see lately. i instantly feel grounded when i remember how large and wonderful the earth is. i mean seriously. i have friends now all around the world now, isn't that crazy? i may have lost shitty people i thought were friends but i'm really good at making friends so i really haven't lost much in the long run, only gained a higher confidence in my ability to have fun with others.

i'm so happy to have something to think about that has nothing, nothing at all, to do with you.

[a-mutual-killing]

Tell me something sad? Please? Lately I've been sort of hovering over some kind of brink and I just need /something/ and I like the way you phrase stuff whenever you post your personal stories but I really, really just need something sad I think. Please?

i’ll tell you something nice before i tell you something sad:

i’ve been in love with my friend’s brother for the longest time. i’m talking i first met him when i was around eleven and haven’t stopped being in love with him since. 

anyway, a few weeks ago, he’d come into the restaurant i work at and we were making small talk when he mentioned that he’d gotten a job at the new aquarium they built the town over and how his favorite part of it is feeding the otters and just generally playing with them. we laughed over a story about how one of them bit his bum because it was upset that he hadn’t yet given it a fish. then he goes, “i’d really love to show them to you, i think you’d really enjoy it.” the way he said it made my heart fill up my entire body and turned me into a puddle because it was so fucking intimate and gentle and sweet are you kidding me. i shoved those feelings aside because it’s kind of a dick thing to flirt with your friend’s brother, especially when your friend knows you’re something of a slut. i told myself he meant it in a friendly manner. 

skipping ahead to today, i found out that we’d been mutually pining over each other, repressing whatever feelings popped up because, like a bunch of idiots, we didn’t want to put his sister in a weird spot. 

i’m to go with him for a private tour of the aquarium on friday and i think i’m going to sink through the floor i’m so, so, so very excited. 

here’s the sad bit:

(i waffled about whether this would be the right thing to share or if it was crossing some kind of weird boundary i’d drawn between myself and this site. i’ve kind of flitted around this before, though, and i think, despite it being very personal, it’s very prevalent right now for me and it’s good to share those things. i’ll consider this as throwing it away, or donating my grief to you, used as it is, junk as it might be to anyone without the sentimental connection i have to it.)

it’s not a secret that around this time last year/early this year (the year before last, too) i was very, very seriously contemplating killing myself. what i did keep close to my chest, however, is how i worked my way through that, excluding shame and guilt, or ego and what have you. 

i don’t know why this instance sticks out so prominently for me when the rest of that time blurs together, but one day i was laying in my bed, wedged between the wall and the mattress, the springs of the box spring digging into my ribs and my breath fetid and my hair greasy. i remember staring out across the garbage piled up on my floor for hours before turning away from it, disgusted by myself. my eyes fell on the ghastly rainbow ceiling fan hanging precariously over the bottom of my bed. 

i had this image, vision, whatever, of pulling myself up, tossing something over the fan blades and stepping off into nothingness. i didn’t have a picture in my head of what i’d use, if it was a rope or a blanket twisted into something skinny enough to tie into a noose. i didn’t know what i was to be stepping off of, if it was my bed, an open drawer of my bureau. i just knew that it was over as soon as it had stated but i was left with this terrible uneasy feeling because i swear i felt my muscles act out those motions, felt my throat and chin screaming, the base of my neck raw. if it hadn’t been for the springs still poking me, i don’t think i would have been able to tell what was real and what was fake. 

i scoffed at myself, ignoring the tears slowly leaking down my face, and turned back to my initial position, this time staring at the wall in front of me instead of my trash. i laughed about how even if the distance was great enough for me to successfully hang myself (i couldn’t tie my hair up in my room because every time i did, i’d bump it against the light bulb in the middle of that damned rainbow fixture), the fucking thing would come out of the ceiling under my weight. 

i think i stared at that wall for a minute or two before my fingers started itching and my mouth felt raw from all the things trying to claw their way out of me. i sat up and lifted a pile of loose leaf paper into my lap and started writing. 

i don’t know if it was that i’d remembered my older sister going to therapy and us having to write fake eulogies for her, in turn getting a letter filled with things she’d say to us before she died if she could; or if i was remembering how in a course i’d taken we’d had to write letters to people thanking them for their place in our lives, having the choice to send it or not and learning that it helps to just spit everything out sometimes; maybe it was something reminding me that my youngest sibling used to always tell me i should write an autobiography or something; but for whatever reason, what i wrote was a letter to my youngest sibling. i felt better after i’d written it. i started writing letters to them constantly, sometimes daily, sometimes spaced over weeks or months.

this is a a chunk from the one i wrote january 30th, 2019, the only bit of it i have in my possession, actually (some parts of it might be confusing because i’m not giving you the background pieces required to really sink into it, but i don’t think that’s important): 

Looking back, life seems somewhat easy, doesn’t it? Or have I wrapped an ugly thing once more in a beautiful packaging, decorated a molding cake in bright coloring to hide the fact that it is, indeed, rotted? I have a propensity to do so. 

I know there must have been bad times, just as there must be something I have a fond memory of, but they all just blur together. I know bad things have happened - I can recount them. I know there have been good experiences - I can recall those, too. I can’t, though, remember the emotions in them beyond what I imagine life through the eyes of a doll would be. Surely I have laughed and cried, but the constant pressure in my head makes those times feel dull and unreal. It’s dissociation, I know. I wonder who I would be without it, if I didn’t feel strangely removed from everything.  Every time I smile, it feels like something is pulling up the corners of my mouth from over my shoulders. It’s hard to cry. 

Sometimes, I think about the way you seem hesitant to laugh. I take in the way you avoid people’s gazes one day and then make nothing but eye contact the next. I wonder if you’ve experienced the same things I have. Has anybody told you your laugh is too big? Your eyes are too unsettling? I know they’ve tried to shame the anger out of you. I’m glad they haven’t managed that yet. Your anger is, sometimes, the only thing you have to keep you going, and there should never be a moment where you are ashamed of that. 

I wonder, too, if I’m just weak. I know it’s embarrassing for me to look at my younger [sibling] and envy the way you seem to carry on despite the weight laid over your shoulders. It should be the other way around, shouldn’t it? You most definitely shouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. I wonder if you will be drawn into the same deep pond i’m currently tied to the bottom of. Will you surround yourself with stuffed animals and soft blankets with even softer pajamas just to give you a tactile reminder that the world is real, that you are real? I hope not. One of the things I hate most about myself is the way I can never seem to get over stroking my fingers across surfaces just to experience their presence and therefore know that my own is real. 

I wonder when I become so needy? When did I start needing to feel things just to assure myself of my own being? I remember life used to unapologetically fill every crater in my being; I used to take up more space than I needed and laugh at the people who would push me to be smaller; my laugh would be as loud as my joy was big; my eyes were just my eyes. I wonder when my shoulders gained this stoop. When did my laugh change from earth shattering to airy? Why are my eyes no longer just eyes? 

My hands are no longer steady, like they were the first letter to you. My eyes are still dry, though there is a prickling behind my lids. My organs have stopped trying to push their way out of my mouth - they’ve settled for the base of my throat, and to be curled in my sternum. Is it the thought of weakness that’s making it so? Is it the thought of how you might take it? Is my body trying to tell my mind it’s not ready to die just yet?  I wonder why being weak unsettles me more than the thought of death. Is it because death hasn’t been a stranger to me in such a long time? You and he have crossed paths more often than you should have, as well. Do you no longer shy away from his company? 

Uncle John died not but thirty-six days ago. You’ve had friends die. Will it crush you if your sister dies, as well? I hope not. It isn’t your fault. Your grief shouldn’t be your ruin. 

Should I tell you some of my grief? I’ve carried it around for a while. Maybe it will help you to know about it. Maybe not. I don’t know if I’m ready for anyone to know it so intimately. Perhaps that’s why I’ve gotten to this point. I can’t exactly hate myself for it. I’ve always been greedy - what’s one more thing to keep for myself?

[whatever i’d written between these is lost to me]

Regardless of how I’ve treated you, know that I’ve cherished you. 

Regretfully, 

[My Name]

this is from march 25th, 2019:

It’s 10:44 p.m. right now. I woke up three hours ago. I know I won’t fall asleep for another nineteen. 

I’m so cold. All the time. “That’s nothing new, [My Name],” you’ll say, “you’re always cold.” This is different. It doesn’t go away, no matter how many layers I put on or how close I sit to the heater, it doesn’t go away. Maybe it’s inaccurate to call it a chill. There’s just this wrongness settled in my flesh that I can’t get rid of. It makes my fingertips tingle. 

I’ve just finished crying into a bowl of cucumbers - the only thing I’ve eaten today. It was over a TED talk, but I’m not so sure how much of it was because of the talk and how much of it was because of me.

those are the only bits i have with me here and, see, i’ve since stopped writing those ‘letters’ (😂 in the one from march, i go on a tangent about how i’m not even sure what i’m writing anymore, or who i am writing them for)–i can’t even remember when the last time i did was–but the thing that’s nausea inducing about the whole thing is that the rest of whatever i’d written is still in my room, at my parents house. the room that they’ve been steadily pawing through for the past however long. my mother is going to read those letters and for some reason i feel disgusted thinking about it. 

maybe it’s only sad for me, personally, but who knows, bro. 

[realtalk-princeton]

@pablo abt pre-law: what are some types of summer activities law schools look for if I've already interned at the DA's and a public interest firm and a lot of volunteering? A lot of formal internships only take 1/2Ls (frosh)

Response from Pablo:

Hi there—this turned out way longer than I thought it would, but I’m procrastinating and I wanted to give you an exhaustive answer! 

So, first (and before I start talking internships), make sure you do your best to keep in contact with the people you interned with at the DA’s office and the public interest firm. Like over breaks maybe go back and just check in with them, wish them happy holidays, etc. And maybe get more involved with them as you go through college because that sets you up perfectly for fellowships. For example, I considered applying for the Truman earlier this year (but the deadline approached and I was not satisfied with my sprint of an application), and consistent volunteering with public interest law would have really set a candidate apart. I should mention that many people take a year off and do a fellowship of some kind before going to law school, and this is a great way to position yourself well for that. Sorry, that doesn’t really address your question, but it is advice I wish someone had impressed upon me two years ago.

For summer activities, I would explore various kinds of law and, perhaps more importantly, gain exposure to the legal field as a whole. There are a lot of avenues for doing this. Right off the bat, there are some interesting IIPs, some cool PICS, the Guggenheim internships for criminal justice, etc. I would highlight PICS if only because you make brilliant alumni connections by virtue of being involved in the program, which are tremendously helpful for finding even more opportunities. For example, this summer, I met some cool folks (legal counsel, partners, etc.) from all over (Hogan-Lovells, the ABA, the HRC, Kelley Drye & Warren LLP, the ACLU, the DOJ, Georgetown U, etc.) all of whom were also alumni and they LOVED meeting young people interested in law. I’ve mentioned this before, but a friend of mine reached out to almost every judge in DC that was a Princeton alum and I’m sure he found himself something great. Really immerse yourself in law and different legal fields in some way or, if you know what you like, really own it and build yourself some nice relationships. As much as law schools will be looking for real legal scholars (aka checking out your academics and LSAT), it never hurts to show true interest with either glowing recommendations from people already in the field or internship experience. 

You can also take a look at the Law and Public Affairs program at Princeton—they have this internship program that directly serves public interest and I believe they would help you find internships as well. I would actually connect with them early on to see how you can get involved. The undergrad point people are absolutely wonderful. I would also take a look at the SINSI program that offers funding for public service internships—it’s competitive, but many of my law school friends are SINSI scholars. There are also a ton of summer opportunities out there devoted to law itself. For example, Georgetown Law offers its own program that exposes you to the program there. The Public Defender Service also offers a neat internship. Not to mention legal counsel internships on Handshake, LinkedIn, etc. I think Goldman offers a particularly interesting one! Also, another fun fact, WWS has an entire binder of potential internships (WHICH ARE NOT PUBLISHED ONLINE), so there’s that too.

Also, are you interested at all in policy or research? Some of these positions would go a long way in helping as well. A friend of mine worked with a poverty/race research group in DC and is now getting some really nice interviews.

Ultimately, do you need to do legal internships every year to go to law school? Absolutely not. But, if you’re looking for some internships, I would pay attention to some of the opportunities I mentioned above as a starting place. Also, why not do some stuff on campus that exposes you to close-reading, investigative work, etc. Maybe act as a Peer Representative, work on the Honor Committee/COD, join a public advocacy group like SPEAR (which does phenomenal work btw), join USG Senate, even look out for the pre-law group on campus! Take courses with professors involved in the legal field—Kim Scheppele is an absolute monster in international law, as an example (I love her)! Robbie George is also a legal scholar, or so I am told. If you hit it off with a professor, that’s awesome, but make sure to put yourself out there even more and you never know what legal internship you could find. I got into a spat recently with my roomie about whether this is snakey or something, but it’s totally not meant to be—just explore your mutual interest with some talented professionals already at Princeton! 

And do you NEED to do any of this to go to law school? Of course not! My roomie from last year is ready to hit the consulting world by storm and then jump into law school somewhere down the road. But, from one avid pre-law to another, it sure makes the road getting there a lot more interesting if you do. I’m thinking about creating a Breakout Trip in DC devoted to public interest/human rights law this summer (and will eventually start a search for a co, if anyone out there is interested :D) because it sounds interesting and why not! Who knows what will come from that? I guess we’ll find out! 

Anyways, I hope this helped even a little bit. If you want even more specific info, just feel free to ask! :)