#and i've been friendless since like i was 18

[bandzboy]

i wanna talk about how... i had my last class today and we presented our final projects and everyone was so nice about my song and my teachers gave me 18 out 20 and i was surprised because even tho they literally mentioned that they think art should not be graded simply because it's subjective and all, i don't think i've ever had a grade this high on really anything ever? so i really felt very proud of myself on that moment but LATER ON... they asked us individually what we thought of this course and funny enough... i was the last one to talk about my experience and i said that i felt very fulfilled because i never did collaborative work with people before and i learned so much from my classmates! ever since the first day i felt so welcome and since i'm an introvert it's very hard for me to feel comfortable with a group of people immediately and so i was very grateful for that and as i got to talk with all of them individually about music i always felt like i was on the right track and this is honestly what i wanna do because in the end, this career with bring me a connection with people that i never really had until now with any of my friendships and so i'm very grateful but other than that... i also said that if they wanted to reach out to me and collab and do music with me i would always be available and honestly i don't even know how i could be that straightforward it was a first for me i was like wow i really did that??? and they agreed and it made me so happy and especially because i wanna keep being friends with these people like i was on the way there and i thought that i didn't want to not want to see them again after today and hopefully we would keep in touch for anything and we keep being in community hopefully so yeah... i never thought i would feel comfortable to even ask people to keep in touch and actually mean it and hopefully that our friendship will grow over time

[melancholicscoundrel]

just read My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness. bawled my eyes out. never felt so seen. considering hiring myself an escort.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

tumblr "deep friendship advice quotes" thoughts, 10 years later:

y'know i oft go all the way back in my draft posts, where i saved some of the popular deep ~friendship advice quotes~ back in the day (well, more like copied and pasted them, so that i coud use them on fb at a later date). but maybe. hm. maybe all those "don't chase people. let people come to you" or whatever the fuck posts i saved at like 18 to 22, mostly.... and actually did post on fb at some points in time, when i was younger.... really did ruin my self-esteem and ability to make friends or date people when i was younger.

yeah. they are good quotes, don't get me wrong. but like. they're made for a slightly older audience, really. like people in their late 20s- ie like me right now actually lmao. who have a bit more self assurance (although this is the internet. so maybe not. who knows) and judgement skills. as opposed to a lonely 18-22 year old who got caught up in the memes around fuckbois and losing friends at the speed of light in their 20s.... so, then you might as well cut out all strangers anyway. bc apparently everyone is "wasting your time" if they don't come to you, and you "don't wait up for those around you" and whatever utter bullshit i've got saved there in my drafts.

i get that some of the sentiment is that "you're marching to your own drum" and shit like that, that i ALWAYS got when i was in high school.... and posts in my early 20s on fb..... when someone would do one of those dumb asf "like and i'll tell you what what i like about you" statuses in like 2016..... so people would remember that they existed. but on the other hand, trying to cut out everyone for the weird stance that they're "wasting your time" and "NEVER chase people. wait for them to come back to you. those who care will always come back. they're the real people to fuck with. they give you the real universe vibrations" or w/e the fuck.... really did make me friendless in my 20s.

the above probably made my anxiety about having barely any friends, other than my primary school besties, and a couple of high school besites from public school, that i still talked to semi regularly.... worse... all bc i was also obsessed with the "keep your circle small. they're the ones who care deeply about you and give the energy when needed" or whatever the fuck. how the fuck will i know how to keep my circle small????? when like, yeah i've kept those 5 friends... which is cool... but when they're not available (i obvs give them space lol) or they move away etc.... who the fuck else do i turn to, when i believe EVERYONE ELSE is wasting my time... all bc they NEVER talk to me????

obvs people did try to talk to me in a way, when i wished them happy birthday, or when they seldom wished me happy birthday on fb.... but i always left those conversations at that precursory "how are things? i hope you're doing well!" from them, and a like on their post. bc it'd been so long since i'd talked to those people (say some of the girls from catholic school drama class in like 2017 bc i'd run into them at uni once or twice or while they were at work once.... or even Rich Boy™️ from the same school in like 2016- i hadnt spoken to him in 3 years, and it felt weird. like what the fuck do i say??)... but since they only did that nicety of wishing me happy birthday or vice versa that one year, i never bothered inboxing them bc.... again. they're wasting my time and they're "fair weather friends" bc they don't talk to me except once every 3 years or whatever.

"CUT THEM OUT bc the universe says they're not for you. they give you the LOW VIBRATIONS in your spirit" those posts advise. like honestly. i couldn't keep up with those people from catholic school anyway. bc they're the ones who bought houses in their 20s and some of them do expensive ski trips to europe or japan or america or canada (or do our summer abroad in the peak snow season in those countries working at the snow fields); or just generally here in winter in australia. i can't afford that. one of them proposed to their partner in fucking fiji. i could NEVER afford that, if that were me. or lived abroad for a year and a half in thailand and vietnam bc of their family's charity. something, again, that i COULD NEVER AFFORD. but again. i digress. but according to these posts, i cut them out (partially) bc the universe said that they're not for me, so therefore they're a waste of my time. and that also means that i shouldn't chase them or hit them up, ever. bc what if i end up chasing them anyway???? like yeah. it HAD NOTHING TO DO with the so-called "low vibrations in spirit" that those dumb posts espouse.

not only did this make me friendless, it made me unable to learn the lessons of shitty friendships in my 20s. all bc i believed everyone was either secretly, or VERY OBVIOUSLY wasting my time.... but how was i to know that.... when i never befriended jessica or dean or bella and hayden from my uni classes?? and ok, some of it did actually come from my shitty group at uni, who couldn't fathom why i picked philosophy over history and shit like that. but the thing was, i was so desperate to have any (semblance of) friends.... that i clung to that group out of sheer mortification, terror, and anxiety. despite that, i barely ever ended up in the same classes with them.

however, the girl who fashioned herself as the leader, always seemed to tell me that "you are too highly strung for law" whenever i expressed interest in doing law 101. she would openly mock my handwriting as "looking like a 5 year old's" whenever she could (including when i signed up for her history and archaeology club ans she manned the booth for it, and told me VERY DELIBERATELY to "pLeAsE pRiNt nEatLy *insert my name here*- turning to the guy next to her- see jordan, i told you she writes like a toddler")..... like this group was VERY obviously wasting my time.

but i didnt care, just as long as i had someone to eat thai food with every once in while. as long as i could turn up to engl336 social justice in kids lit, and sit with them and have my very seldom coordinated tute with them too. all despite *alex* (not her real name) constantly speaking to me like my year 7 (2008) geography and year 9 (2010) commerce teacher from catholic school, who would do this shit in front of the 25 kids of both those classes, who i L O A T H E D (and still do to this day tbh. the same guy also fyi.). but i didn't care, as long as i could have a subway and share a cookie with her once a week. uni is hell. and we're in it..... together??? i guess???

but yeah. my point is that, observing my saved copied and pasted drafts of all those typical like "friendship advice" quotes of "don't chase people. let people come to you" or "keep your circle small. they're the ones who care deeply about you and give the energy when needed" et al.... and all the sentiments and memes about people "wasting your time", really fucked up my social skills and friend making skills in my late teens and early 20s. bc they kinda almost gave me a reason to brush off EVERY interaction with other people- be it dating to just making friends or trying to keep old friend ties around (which i didn't/couldn't really do) as "time wasting" and "low vibrations of the universe" and whatever other fucking garbage.

i think younger gen z and the generations after them, need to be wary of this advice when they're young. because it's aimed at older people. who probably have better social skills and thinking skills etc, to ACTUALLY weed out people who waste time and energy... rather than an 18 to 22 year old who is just starting out in life... who is so paranoid about being friendless and single (relationships wise).... that they, in turn, make themselves these two things anyway..... bc for some reason they're also conversely terrified that everyone is either secretly or very obviously wasting their time......

when honey. you're wasting your own goddamned motherfucking time worrying about "they give me low spiritual and universal vibrations. so snippity-snip ✂️" (when like. what the actual FUCK does this even mean, for goddamned starters???) for some fucking reason... also, "not chasing people" and having such a minute circle of friends, that like.... when EVERYTHING goes to shit (ie 2020 pandemic and ALSO my health troubles in late 2020 and 2021), and they're suddenly NOT there or CAN'T be there, who else do you have to turn to (not counting family)???? or in general, if you need to to vent about someone you know, who else do you have when you're buried so deep the mindset about "never chase people, let them come to you" and again, the spiritual vibration tribe bullshit???

these posts are made for people in their late 20s and 30s. not your late teens and early to mid 20s, when you're actually meant to learn this shit. you're wasting your time talking about "the vibrations of the universe" whatever the fuck that means. you're not manifesting any-fucking-thing. get the fuck out of the house (maybe drop the hash brownies or shrooms too, every once in a while, if that's your thing) and ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE. maybe message people from old groups or something, and see if they wanna hang or get a coffee or something. don't cut SO MANY people out of your life so swiftly because the memes say "wait for your tribe and high solar plexus and third eye vibrations for your complex mercury retrograde libra in the 10th house scorpio self"... maybe learn to chase people (and then don't); so you learn from your mistakes.

don't waste away on the depths of the internet- ranging from twitter (oh wait. sorry. X) to discord groups or reddit to this here hellsite. go and experience life, instead of letting your lack of social skills rot your brain away because you, "don't cut ties" instantly bc someone is "wasting your time".... bc again it bleeds into those small talk memes asking someone's fave coffee and you haven't instantly bypassed into "deep conversations about wasted opportunities and vibes with my fave 5 high spirit tribe girlies".

because the only way you'll find those people, is by actually talking to people and teaching yourself the lesson. that, for example, ben is wasting your time bc he never follows through on shit. or he was an absolute bum in your relationship.... bc he used all your money for weed and refused to pay rent bc apparently his NFTs count as rent. that francine is an absolute cow, bc she thinks it's great that she CAN NEVER let people have their say and settle in an argument bc of *insert excuse here*.... or that she's one only person in the world that has EVER SUFFERED EVER legitimately. and this is why it's healthier to cut both of these people out of your life, if you can't reach a compromise.

anyway, my point is, instead of desperately trying to "will into existence/manifest your tribe of high spiritual people" from shrooms_and_liquor_wisdom_thoughts-xoxo-761 or "shower thoughts" or "high vibe society" and whatever dumb asf title pages/groups/chatrooms on any of these sites.... that you'll magically have this fictional tribe of "high vibe people" by ironically NEVER interacting with people and having to learn life lessons the hard way, by ACTUALLY experiencing them.... you've got to literally go out and practice this shit..

younger generations need to learn that most of these sentiment posts are for an older audience.... not a teenager or early 20 something WHO NEEDS to learn these lessons.... but they use them as an excuse not to. go learn to chase people from time to time, even if it is a bad idea. you're young enough to do that shit. you are not wasting time learning these lessons. take it form me, from someone who took them too literally and was proud that she only spoke to 5 people. now im in my late 20s.... and am nearly 30, i realise what a fucked up error this was. (also, i don't condone purposely throwing yourself into unhealthy or toxic relationships or situations, just for the sake of learning these lessons, btw.... but that's a whole other post).

[confessions-official]

biphobia making me wanna end it all fr, i likely will never date a man bc i don't fit heterosexual beauty standards and have no interest in doing so (or in living a stereotypical heterosexual life getting married having kids etc), and biphobia is getting more and more normalized in queer spaces anyway like i just wanna experience love :| but the last 3 girls i've messed with were so intent on letting me know that i was just a fling i haven't had sex in like 6 months cus it was just self-harm atp. i called my (gay) male friend "love" at this lgbt activism group i started showing up w him to and this cis gay guy gave me the hardest side eye like what just bc im a bi woman do you think i'm trying to hop on the dick of any cis guy i talk to?? straight girls show up to queer spaces w their cis gay male friends ALL the time but bc i'm bi i'm a sneak and i deserve to have people in ACTIVISM GROUPS gossip about me?? (based on a true recent story!). i've been in militant groups since i was 14 and active in my local queer nightlife since i was 17-18 and i'm telling you shit is not normal. i've never felt as unwelcome and constantly questioned as i do now in my mid-twenties & i'm strongly considering simply going back into the closet and dying friendless and in celibacy bc atp the hetero world don't want me either it never did and i have no interest in it lol.

 

[dxpressed-stxrs]

HEYYY MY NON EXISTENT READERS!!!! lemme tell you all about how I've started college (UK) this week!!!

so it's been okayy. much better than I thought it would go tbh, so that's good. my timetable is also good!! I've spoken to some girls and we made a snap group chat but we start our proper subject lessons next week, so that's where making friends actually matters. I'm praying praying praying I actually make friends or I may very well tip over into the dark side and completely lose it.

I also spoke to one guy too (after five years of having no male contact since I went an all girls school!) we spoke about machetes (?!?!) and he remembered me awkwardly saying i liked books during the icebreaker?!! but then he overheard me talking to a teacher about how i have hearing loss and wear a hearing aid and how I was too anxious and depressed and suicidal to go to school last year so my attendance was really low. so now some random guy knows two of my deepest secrets!! bless him he looked so shocked too when he found out. it's fine I don't think he'll tell anyone and I'll just ask him next week please not to.

This one girl walked into the room wearing the shortest crop top ever and sat on the table full of guys and in the moment I judged her so hard. but now I spoke to her and she's so so sweet, I feel awful.

There's this one guy in my tutor who's fine af and I was sitting down on a bench with some people and he walked past and i looked up TO FIND HIM STARING RIGHT AT ME AND WE MADE EYE CONTACT?? (he was probably just trying to see better the people in his class but you know, delulu is the solulu). And also I was walking out the door and he was in front of me and HE STOPPED and held the door open for me and waited for me to go through LIKE HELLO MANNERS??? Also I swear he glanced at me a few times but I'm also short sighted so he was probably looking behind me or just in my direction. BUT STILLLLL it feels nice being silly and delusional again. Besides.... I'm not likeable. at all. I doubt I'll see him around, he's in my tutor class which is only twice a week so im trying not to get too hung up on him and he seems like the depressed broody type of guy to not show up since you don't have to go. I also found out he lied about his full name (not lied but just kept it hidden) and im like hmmm why. I found out his ethnicity from it though and lowkey wanna randomly go up to him and be like "hey, so random but are you ___" . it's way too soon for that though

I saw this girl who was my best friend (but we had a fight) in primary school too! I didn't even recognise her, she looks so different. She was the purest innocent thing ever and now she's a chav hello?? but people change. It's been 5 whole years. I'm sure I've changed a lot because she barely recognised me too. It's nice to see her again though

I lost 4-6 pounds this week?!?! tbh I've hardly eaten apart from a few bites a day and I dragged my 'friend' around with me all over the town centre and college because love love love walking. She doesn't though. She's not street smart at all either and it's pissing me off a bit but at the same time, I'm probably just overthinking it. having an eating disorder and depression makes you so so irritable :/

I haven't even been formally diagnosed with clinical depression but I'm 99% sure I have it since I've been feeling all the symptoms for a solid 2 months. usually it's just been on and off for the past few years but this time it's not budging. I wanna ask for meds but I'm under 18 so there's only 2 available and both of them have low success rates.

I'm trying to 'be myself' but I'm always so shy and quiet at first. I'll give it a few weeks and then I'll probably be my usual outgoing funny self. also I've defo made my mark I hope because a philosophy teacher gave us a riddle and I was the only one who guessed it and I came third in kahoot, so i was on the podium yayyy.

This feels so stupid to write about. But like I'm literally friendless right now and I need to carve out time to journal this haha xxx

im nervous for lessons but it feels better after induction. but please PLEASEEE let me make some friends

- musings of a dying star

[upperranktwo]

Sorry this got long

One of my longest best friends dropped me two days before my wedding. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. She was to be a bridesmaid in mine and due to some transportation and commitment issues she was having due to travel, I told her not to worry about bridesmaid responsibilities and time commitments. Just come as a guest. She was welcome to the bachelorette and all that still. She and another friend blocked me and didn't show up. It had been 18 years. I knew her since 7th grade. We'd had two other falling outs. One that involved two other friends (which left me basically friendless in high school for a year), then another that involved the one who also blocked me. Lowest points of my life and no friends to turn to. Highest day of my life and she refused to show up.

Losing friends is never easy. Especially when it comes out of nowhere. Even when I know that I didn't do anything wrong (three other people helped make sure the message was understanding and gentle as possible) and tried accommodating as much as possible, it still hurts sometimes when I have so many memories triggered. 18 years is a long time, a lot of memories, and it's the nostalgia I miss more than anything at this point, realizing we'd been drifting apart for a while. People drift apart, people change. And sometimes things flip on a dime when you didn't do anything wrong.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find which friends will walk through fire with you. After our second falling out, I met a girl who became my maid of honor. starting from scratch, with someone new helped change me in some ways I didn't know I needed. Made me a better person who got out of my box while still being fueled in areas that still made me me. The one who pulled me out of the darkness and helped me through all my ups and downs. She crossed the country for me multiple times and has been my biggest supporter. I don't know if I would have found her if I hadn't lost the others first. May this help you find true friends. You don't need a lot, just a few or even one great one.

I am so sorry that happened to you :( and especially just before your wedding which should be one of the best days of your life spent with the people who you love the most :( but its great you managed to find someone new! And i'm glad they are someone who is so dedicated to you 🥺 I've never had large groups of friends before, in school and university people only spoke to me because I'd help others with essays 😭 I wasn't very good at them myself but I am always willing to help others because I think it's very important to do so! In my final year I refused to do so because I had to focus on my own work and I saw as soon as people couldn't use me they didn't want to know me.

I met this person after uni so I knew they couldn't use me for essay work and we 'bonded' because we liked the same character but now I don't even feel like I can be attached to that character anymore because I just associate him with them... (character is not Douma but they did mention him a lot... knowing it would make me happy. But they also made a lot of sexual comments about him to me and some of them were even about me regarding him which made me uncomfortable. I was willing to let it slide because i do know some very sexual people but yeah...) to suddenly be dropped as definitely hurt me a lot. At first I thought maybe they were just busy with life and that's why they weren't replying to my message, to be blocked really told me everything I needed to know 😭

I'm just glad I have a lot of sisters who always try to support me! I think as long as I have them I can kinda get through anything