#and i've basically been conditioned to not talk or beg for anything

[caelcstis]

small apologies to anyone who saw me have a whole breakdown on the dash over the weekend

essentially money's always an issue in my house.

rent's bumped up to $1610 but they didn't bump it last year so my mom and i couldn't complain. her car got repossessed late friday night into early saturday morning because my friend and i were out swimming that night and we saw it still there when i was dropped off damn near midnight and i didn't get the dogs back out until 1 am before crashing in bed.

i only just got my permit again, and i have no car because we sold mine when i was like 20/21 to just have extra pocket money for rent and a car payment. it's been an issue since i was a kid, and my mom's kind of been bringing me down that path now that i have a job and was capable of building credit. i now have shit credit, which means i can't get a new place to live for the both of us since she's getting older, it'd be hard for me to find a place to sell me a car. i work a job that's pays me now $12.70 and have been told since april i would be getting full time and a raise. credit cards have been charged off, i still have one company down my throat to pay them back by the end of the month which if i had the money, i would.

regardless, money's always been an issue, having lost our one vehicle of transportation just kind of made me snap. my friend who was supposed to pick me up had her boyfriend - who i am not fond of, pick me up because she went an hour away for fucking fish being sold at her campground. i was at work, i had a new person working up there with me and i just couldn't babysit. i got through it since i convinced my morning worker to stay. i bought her a coffee with whatever money i had, i made sure she got a scratchy that lets her get money off groceries and i was basically in tears saturday night that everyone knew because i just couldn't keep myself together.

sunday it was a little better, especially when my sister said she'd help my mother get her car back and even chewed her out for not telling us sooner - not that i could help much. but if i knew she was struggling that much i would have taken on other bills like more for electric, internet, gas - but she never told me. especially when i was working 40+ hours a week for a month and a half.

i was just really stressed, overwhelmed and mad at my whole situation because we've been living like this since i was 11 and i'm turning 25. it's exhausting and i was just so pissed off between the situation with the car, my friend abandoning me it felt like, and just having to be at work when i wasn't in the mental state and i knew i couldn't leave because no one would come in or stay for me. no one fucking cares about the work i do or how hard i work. they just care it gets done. just hope asset protection enjoys me collapsing in the corner of the cash office bawling my eyes out because i just couldn't stop myself at one point because of my anxiety.

but yes, i apologize if i worried anyone, especially when i never really responded to anyone. i just needed more of a place to vent it out in the small ways i could. i'm okay now, my sister help pay off what was owed and hopefully my mother gets her car back tomorrow.

it's not perfect for me still, but it's a little lighter.

[cherryredstars]

could you write something for simon with an asexual partner please :)

luv ya have a nice day<3

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x Asexual!reader

Warnings: Fluff, Indirect Mentions of Simon's SA

A/N: I hope your day is amazing, lovely anon! Haven't written for Si in AGES!

Unedited

It's a whole conversation. You have to really take time to sit him down and talk about it and what it means/how it will play a part in the relationship. The discussion is like two hours long. He truly just doesn't understand. Not in a 'wtf are you on, humans are made to want to have sex' way, but in a 'I'm literally an old man and I've been too busy trying to not die in foreign territories' way. (Let's be real, this man does not know any LGBTQ identities besides gay and lesbian and has no idea the f slur refers to anything other than a smoke).

He honestly thought you were telling him you were 'a sexual' when you said it to him. He just blinked at you slowly in confusion because he had genuinely no idea if this was your way of demanding sexual intimacy or like some weird foreplay. Like are you demanding him to treat you like an animal in heat or is this some weird test? And his way of asking for clarification?: "...like Johnny?" (A man who has no-filtered talked about wanting to pound into the first person he got his hands on at the nearby bar over lunch at your dining table).

Please be patient as you're explaining it to him, I beg you. He's repeatedly asking the same questions over and over again and repeating everything you say back because he's actually trying to understand and he doesn't want to mess anything up. Every other sentence he's nodding his head slowly and then just going, "so...basically-?" insert thing you just said but reworded. Please just explain it to him like he's a five year old, he really does feel like one right now.

Totally respects your choice and feelings around sex. He doesn't really go jumping for joy or is in the constant need for a release with everything he experienced in the past, so sex isn't a deal breaker for him in a relationship. You want zero sex because you just don't feel the need for it or simply don't like it? That's a-okay with him, he wasn't having sex before he met you and he doesn't see a reason why that needs to change now that you're together. You're okay with having sex but only under certain conditions and with a few boundaries in place? Can you wait just a moment while he goes to get something to write it all down on so he can make sure he doesn't accidentally overlook something in the future? You wouldn't mind him adding a few boundaries too, right? He doesn't object to anything you say, just asks for clarification from time to time and writes down notes on the side.

He's your number one defender when friends or family or nosy strangers ask about the intimacy aspects of your relationship. Shuts them up real fast when they start to show a hint of judgement towards the choices the two of you made or tries to insinuate you're 'depriving him' of something. Gives them the nastiest glare and bluntly asks them why they care so much about people's sex lives or asks them really uncomfortable questions about their sex life with a straight face until they awkwardly excuse themselves.

This man just loves you for you and reminds you everyday that you're his luvie and he wouldn't have it any other way.

[stellaluna33]

just watched the article episode of s7 and will never not be infuriated about the way logan yells at rory in this moment and throws the fact that she lives in his apt in her face! “youre no better than me” actually she is….like do i think rory fully acknowledges her privilege? no. but the narrative trying to make her recognize that rings really hollow when its logan of all people saying it. we have two full seasons before hammering home that actually the huntzbergers are on a different level of wealth! not to mention the way its handled later is more about how she hurt his feelings rather than being like i was being a little too hypocritical i’ll change some stuff. also not as related but i always found it ooc that rory just lets her grandparents donate that building in her name

OMG, YES!!! Thank you!!! And it's bad enough on its own, but the thing that makes me even angrier is the way I've seen some of the fanbase react to it, because people are like, "Yeah! Logan really put that spoiled b*tch Rory in her place!" and that's just so... It's so gross? Like, really? You see a rich guy talking down to his girlfriend and basically calling her a "hanger on" for accepting his invitation (out of "love!") to live with him, and you're celebrating that he "put her in her place?" Wow.

I'm not sure what the Season 7 writers were trying to accomplish with that... Like if they wanted to tackle Rory's privilege (and her mental disconnect with it), was having her be "called out" by her even more extremely privileged and wealthy boyfriend really the way to do that? It just makes it look even more like Logan can't handle anything even vaguely adjacent to a criticism of his lifestyle without taking it personally and lashing out at his girlfriend (I'm thinking about their fight in Season 6 now).

And yeah, the whole building thing was... so very over-the-top and embarrassing. It was a weird writing choice all around, and Rory was clearly uncomfortable with it anyway... but I'm also not sure what else she could have done, haha. I guess she could have begged them not to spend their money in that way? But Rory has always seemed to equate rejection of a gift with rejection of the person giving it (and Lorelai unintentionally fed that idea sometimes, too. Her chiding Richard for saying that Rory "shouldn't accept" the literal car Dean wanted to give her, because it was "a nice thing" and he meant well?). And this may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think that means she's "spoiled" (even though I also don't think it's probably healthy). I don't see much evidence that she expects or feels entitled to any of these things... But she's been conditioned to understand that some people express Love in this way, and feels it would be rude to seem "ungrateful" for it.

[arenabreadandbiscuits]

✨ Art Commissions Open w/ Writing Commissions Mentioned Too ✨

PLEASE READ AND MAKE SURE YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE HERE ON KY ACCOUNT PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

~

Hey everyone!

Give me ten dollars and I'll draw you a profile pic of your OC or a favorite character of yours.

Give me twenty and I'll draw you your OC AND your favorite character together. Something basic like cheek to cheek, cheek kisses, side hugs, etc. Just depends.

OPEN BELOW FOR MORE IMPORTANT INFORMATION BELOW PLS! Also please answer the poll below the cut if you really want to help me out.

If you don't have the money please reblog, reblog, REBLOG!

It's August 5 as I'm making this so I'll keep this open until September, meaning until then anyone and everyone can send in their comms before I shut this post down and start over in September. Let's see how this goes, if we do a good job I'd love to do something like this every month just to draw for people.

Imma push myself so I'll open 15 spots to do these commissions. I think well for one, outside of the fact that I get to practice my art if people pick me I do actually enjoy talking to everyone. Especially fans.

Notes to Consider:

Artist who needs and wants money. Been talking about getting one of those at home treadmills and other home gym equipment so I can work on my body and get it back to the right shape I want it so it doesn't play with my head and trigger something

I'll do lineart, coloring, and shading for these of course. I only take Cashapp, Venmo, cash one, etc.

I plan on returning to school next year if my body is up to conditions by that time. To do that I really want this at home gym equipment stuff. I was even thinking that if I get it I can make another account and document my workouts. Probably will be on discord or things like a second Twitter for me but it depends on y'all.

Please be above 18 when commissioning me. I'll check your account for one...and for two these things can already be stressful, I don't need someone else's child being added to that.

Other art commissions are available, highest pricing is like $105 but I gotta check again. I'll link the post HERE.

I'll do 10-20 for chibis, 15 to 25 for sketching, 35 to 45 for lineart and basic coloring. 50 for regular shading and highlights, 60 for second line of lineart because going over it a second time is better for me but also looks neater. 75+ dollars include multiple (up to five sketches) of how I thought about drawing your character/s. For the $105 I'll give the sketches but they'll be lineart neatly, the time lapse videos for your main piece and the sketches after, shout-outs to you for working with me, a short blurb for your character and/or ship. I know with the art community some argue that we over price. This is literally the bare minimum especially with everything I'm going through between being immobile for the most part, living with trauma in a household where people gave me said trauma, being mentally unstable and even needing money to get that checked on. I would prefer $105 for the whole bundle I listed above. If you don't want to pay the $105 then you aren't paying for the bundle. So don't worry.

Outside of school I'm hoping I can join a more serious outside gym later to keep my body in shape. I have an interest in boxing and tai quando so I'd love to join a community for that around me. Same for some sports like tennis which I used to play when I was a lot younger. I love swimming so a swimming class could be fun and I've always been anxious about this but I'd love nothing more than to join a fun dance exercise group thingy.

Gotta keep my dog up to date, I've been talking about getting his next check up but disability bills go so far when you are helping others in your house to pay for things... I went from 802 to currently 200 in just a few days. Please help me out guys I'm begging. I've started a thing for piggy banking but I've never done it before so it definitely takes self discipline. I'm hoping that with the funds I make here I can just put the money in the piggy bank and open it by January...

Um if check ins are needed I don't mind give one every couple days to a week.

I have to pay for some stuff a sibling broke while I was sicker and couldn't keep things safe...I'd like to get those fixed or replaced but a few hundred dollars were lost there too..

I still do writing commissions as well. Check that post HERE.

Here's some art that I've done recently for reference of what you COULD get but with these the characters will probably be more chibi-ish compared to my normal style ^^`

MY ART VVV:

Some of these I'm sure I've posted before but I need more things to draw y'all! Outside of the money I really hope I get to practice my drawing skills some more..

DM me or comment if you are interested.

Also here's a poll to enforce engagement ^^`

I'm serious guys. With the last poll on commissions people voted but I have yet to actually have anyone ask me about commissions or to do anything for them. If you don't have the money please don't vote, in a situation like mine the last thing I need is to get my hopes up.

If you are also serious and stand of your word then I'm happy to meet you in my dms for further communication.

Oh and preferably I would appreciate drawing for characters that are in the same fandom I'm in. You'll find a list of those fandoms HERE so check those out before texting me or asking me anything. No I will not conform to a request just because I need the money, pick a fandom that I share with you and we should have no issues.

I'll also post any commissions I get either here on Tumblr, on Twitter, deviantart, and/or Tiktok. (I'll post on all.) If you want to be mentioned when I post let me know that before I actually post. I'll warn you when I am.

If you have any questions on these RULES or anything please dm me before ever actually sending in money. DONT SEND ME ANYTHING UNTIL WE BOTH COME TO A FIRM AGREEMENT ON WHAT OUR INTERACTION WILL BE, pls and thank you. I already had one person who didn't read my rules before sending money and tried to put that all on me...I don't need that again.

Just to make sure it doesn't happen again I'll even ask you three questions revolving around this post when you dm me just to make sure you ACTUALLY read it.

Thank you to anyone who's made it this far, bigger thank you to those happy and ready to help me. I look forward to hearing from you guys!

I'm really hoping I blow up for this post Lord Please.

[purring-tiefling]

another vent btw

the amount of effort and money and energy and, once again, genuine, wholehearted effort I've put in the relationship, honestly doesn't come close to the amount of benefits I'm getting from it. and not that it should be equal for everyone! but i find it harder to justify staying in a relationship in these conditions.

i do love her, i find her cute, we're really compatible when everything's alright, we have similar hobbies so we have lots to talk about, and we have some different interests that we can share and teach each other about.

but staying means, for me,

- to be her personal therapist

- to not be offended or hurt by anything she does, understand why she does it and explain how to avoid it, and forgive her (basically be her therapist, again, but with stripping myself of some rights i feel i should have)

- to give her money from time to time

- to help her be stable in tough situations (or not really tough)

- to be her parent

and more, all while the things i get from her are: a person to talk to, and a person to rp with?... i can count maybe like 5 times where i needed help and support and she was successful at providing it... we've been together for 7 years. a lot more calls for help were left without sufficient care, or without care at all.

and it's like. i don't need much. if she could control herself, be more adequate, i could close my eyes on not getting enough from her, because i at least wouldn't have to be both her parent and therapist, right? but her irrationality and emotional instability creates situations where i have to exert a lot of mental energy to help her and us both, and i get more and more tired as a result. so in the end, I'm going negative.

I'm very conflicted. on one hand, i love her a lot. and i want to keep this relationship going. because I'll never find a better fit for me, or the search will be too long, etc. on the other hand, the amount of energy and money and emotions and nerves and whatever the fuck else I'm spending just can't justify me staying in the relationship.

I'm practically begging her to go to a psychologist. i can't do it anymore. i keep trying to help her but it has no effect. she either doesn't listen, or can't figure out how to change herself accordingly, or something else. that's not something I'm able to decipher. so a professional should take a look at... that. i have a feeling that if she doesn't go soon, I'm going to snap. and i do remind her that she should go, but it's always "not the right time".

[bloemenbed]

Blades of Light and Shadow

Vampire!au: chapter 1

Warinings: none(vampires ig??), 1k+ words

Author's note: this one is short because I wanted this to be a sort of introduction! Check my "blades vampire!au" tag for more of this. Anyway, here's he fic I've been holding for months now

The peaceful silence was under broken by the 3 knocks on his castle door. Tyril walked his way there before coming to a halt. Hesitantly, he opened it.

“There you are.”

A brown haired man with a cape draped around his shoulder and dozens of golden rings stood before the entrance.

“Excuse me? ‘Here I am’?

The man shrugged. “I guess introductions are needed. I am Mal Volari, a pleasure to meet you.” Mal bows in the most dramatic fashion possible before flashing a smirk. Tyril sneered.

“I don’t remember inviting some lowlife to my home.”

Mal raised an eyebrow before sighing. “Look, I’m not here to bicker with you, I just want to talk and for that I’ll need to go inside.” He pointed at the entrance hoping that Tyril would move aside.

“Fine. But do not try or dare to do anything funny Mal Volari.” He moved from his spot and let Mal inside.

“Oh you will not regret this!” “Or at least I won’t.” He thought to himself satisfied the plan is going well.

Mal's footsteps echoed through the hallway while he looked around. Golden chandeliers, fancy tables and armchairs, elegant spiral staircases that seemed to go on forever, age old paintings and a few million weapons.

Mal turned around to face Tyril. “So then, Tyler was it?” “Tyril.” He shrugs, “same thing.”

He plops down on the nearest chair. It slightly creaking under the sudden weight.

“Look Tyril, I’ve heard from certain…” he trails off. “… News that you’ve recently been turned into a vampire. And I think I could help you.” Tyril’s eyes slightly widen but he quickly regains his composure.

“You mean to tell me that people already know what has happened to me?” “Now now- before, you start freaking out, please, just listen to me,” he leans on the armrest, slightly leaning closer to Tyril.

“as I was trying to say, I’m sure that I can help you.” “Help me how so?” Mal grins. “I can turn you back.”

“Turn me back?” “Into a human, yes.” Mal obviously had no plans to help Tyril turn back. He wouldn’t even help him if there was a way to do it.

“But I’ll have to stay with you for a while so-” “I can’t accept those conditions.” Tyril stops the conversation before it gets too far.

“Oh, come on! Do you really want to stay here without any company? You should be grateful that I even suggested staying here!” Mal said in a half shout.

“Do you think of me as a weakling?”

Mal violently stands up from his chair making it tumble over. “I certainly do think that if you’re going to be fighting against an army.”

“Listen well Tyril,” Tyril reluctantly loosens up. “when a noble finds out that there is a deserted castle basically begging and waiting to be taken over they will not hesitate to take it. And do you know what that noble is going to take with them? An army. And I know for a fact that some new turned vampire is not going to be able to defend themselves against a whole army”

Tyril ponders for a bit before looking back at Mal.

“Even so, how can you confirm that I won’t get targeted again when I turn back into a human?

“Ah, don’t even worry about that, I of course also have a plan for that but you’ll have to accept my conditions first before I say anything.”

Tyril sighs before giving his answer. “Fine, you are welcome to stay here as long as needed to make me human again. But you’ll have to accept my conditions too, you will turn me back before any army comes over here, got it?”

Mal brushed off the obvious threat with a mumbled ‘fine’.

“Now Mal Volari, tell me how on Earth did you find out about this?”

Mal looked up from his hands to see Tyril towering above him. Mal lets out a nervous laugh while looking away from Tyril’s eyes and looking to the side.

“Now aren’t you a scary guy! At least let me explain before you’re going to what? Bite me? Rip out my throat?”

Tyril frowns before taking a few steps back. “I- I would never do such a thing I-”

Mal looks back at Tyril and mutters under his breath. “I have my doubts about that.”

Mal started messing around with some vases on a table. “To answer your question: rumors.” “Rumors?”

“2 royals suddenly missing and their only son is nowhere to be found… anyone would be suspicious of that, don’t you think?” Clenching his jaw, Tyril responds with silence.

“Rumors started to form: ‘his parents abandoned him’, ‘the family left the country to start a new life’. But one particular rumor spread around like wild fire: ‘the son murdered his parents’.”

Mal looked over his shoulder and saw Tyril tense up. “Got him.”

Leaning against the table he dismisses Tyril’s worrying. “Oh, but I’m not here to arrest you, am I? I’m here to help.” Frowning, Tyril stumbles out a ‘right’.

Mal cleared his throat. “Now Tyril, I’ll tell you my plan but I want you to listen well because I don’t want you getting confused and ruining the whole thing, okay?” Tyril gave a quick nod. “Alright, so here’s the plan: we are going to mess up their communication and turn them against each other.”

Tyril scoffs. “How in God’s name would that work-” “Could you shut up and listen for once?” Mal sighs.

“Look just listen- this noble won’t be working alone: he has to be teaming up with different people who also want a share of this place, right? More cooperation means more soldiers. We just need to find out who the people he’s working with exactly are and find a way to mess up their whole plan!”

Tyril pursed his lips at the idea. It isn’t exactly a foolproof plan, but not idiotic either. Full of anticipation, Mal glanced at Tyril.

“Fine.” “Wait, so you’re on board?” “Yes, yes- don’t make me say it again or I’ll reconsider.”

The darkness in the castle hid most of Tyril’s hopeful expression, Mal decided to not bring it up unless he wanted to get kicked out.

“So… about the sleeping arrangements-” “Christ, just wait here.”

Tyril disappeared into the dark shadows of the castle while Mal’s face was dimly lit by a weak candle light.

Stretching his arms and legs Mal mutters. “Like taking candy from a baby.”

Leaning back onto the wall as he sees Tyril, he immediately changes expression.

He smirks.

“Glad to be working with you.”

[abyssalzones]

tell me your calamity trio headcanons... please im begging 💜

Oh you are enabling me in TERRIBLE ways right now thank you so much. I'll try to keep this from getting long winded.

I'll start with the basics-- I've actually changed my mind a bit since I posted my other hc art about the characters and their personal styles, I was gonna draw something more up to date with what I meant but chronic fatigue is kicking my ass right now so I’ll make something... later. For now you get words, enclosed under the cut for everyone else’s sake.

Just to get this out of the way, Anne is a trans girl lesbian who uses she/her, Sasha is a transmasc-leaning lesbian who uses she/he, and Marcy is a transmasc lesbian who uses he/they. Whoops all lesbians y’know how it is. If I wanted to get specific I think Anne started transitioning in early middle school and her parents got her puberty blockers, while Marcy realized they were Genderweird in like 6th or 7th grade (so, semi-recently) but stayed closeted from everyone until amphibia. Sasha, meanwhile, was firmly under the impression she was cis until being in amphibia gave her more opportunities to think about how she Wants to present. He still likes "girly" clothes though I don't think that personal style would entirely go away.

ANYWAY UHHH let me just get through the other stuff quickly to avoid this getting too clogged:

ANNE

-She has ADHD for sure. Mixture of inattentive and hyperactive but mostly inattentive. This is related to how in canon she seems like the kind of B-student who fails on purpose a lot-- she just doesn't bother to try because she's already used to struggling in school and doesn't think reaching out will help.

-c-PTSD also. This one is obvious I just feel like it should be said. I think she'd ignore it or try her hardest to just will it to go away once she's back home-- I think especially right now she's in a lot of denial about her experiences in amphibia.

-At some point Anne talks about just pushing herself to just play harder when she's losing in tennis and I think that kind of says a lot about how scarily determined and competitive she can get. Sasha's the only person who can really keep up with her for this reason-- they both drive themselves into the ground when they have something to prove.

-On that note, I think she's gotten carpal tunnel at least once. Might turn into a reoccurring thing if she isn't careful.

-Clearly pretty athletic, as well as fairly lanky, but still a little shorter than Sasha and probably will continue to be a little shorter than Sasha for the rest of her life. 

-Anne is the only member of the group who is good at self care. Sasha varies wildly between periods of treating herself and ignoring base needs like, eating real food. Marcy is horrible at anything more than remembering to shower once or twice a week.

-...So even if pre-amphibia Anne couldn't be called responsible, she looked out for them a bit. Sasha probably resented her attempts at making sure she was eating well-- just because Anne has parents who actually cook, who have an entire restaurant and would go out of their way to set aside leftovers for her (and Marcy.)

-Very warm-natured, having spent her entire life in Los Angeles. Even if Amphibia can get unbearably muggy and humid at times, it’s been mostly comfortable for her. Most air conditioning probably feels pretty weird for the first few weeks she’s back on Earth.

-The only way I can figure she hasn’t gotten like, horribly sick from hanging out with human-sized frogs for so long is that she has a godly immune system or something. Viral diseases fear her.

-Anne is kind of scarily prepared for each situation, mostly due to her parents' and her friends' influence. This is based on her backpack when she came over to amphibia-- I know it was her birthday, but jesus christ that's a lot of seemingly arbitrary stuff to fit in your school backpack. A bath bomb, a swimming outfit with sandals, toothbrush and toothpaste, several magazines ?? I think it's likely that after a while she just started keeping extra supplies in her backpack for whenever she'd be going over to Marcy's or Sasha's place after school. Maybe one of them has a pool at their house?

-Similarly she has, like, at least 10 chap-sticks on hand at all times. Marcy keeps asking to use hers anyway.

-I can't decide if I think she'd lose a hand/arm because of the events of Amphibia in some way, but I do like the idea of her having burn scars. Not minor ones, either.

SASHA

-This 13 year old can fit so many problems in his brain it's unreal. In my mind he has BPD but I don't think this necessarily has to do with all of his behavior-- it's just another thing that might explain Why he acts like that. (Also worth noting that I have BPD, so this is... partially based on experience.) In general I just want to see him learn to cope with it better not only for his sake but for others'.

-I don't know if she would pretend to like guys for the Social Points or not but I think she just wouldn't... care? Maybe Marcy or Anne have claimed to have crushes of the week but I just can't see her bothering. She could look at a guy and point out all the reasons why he might or might not be attractive but otherwise she wouldn't bother. Sasha might have a wide circle of friends and influence, but Anne and Marcy encompass what Matters to her, in her world.

-In the same vein she has had horrible jealousy problems and this is just canon. Goes about it in her own petty little teenager way, like prioritizing Anne or Marcy's input above whoever else they've invited along.

-Hair isn’t naturally blonde I’ll die on this hill. Was born with dark hair but her mother dyed it when she was young and she just kind of kept up the tradition ever since. I like to think she lets her roots grow back in over time and keeps it dark post-amphibia. She also has dark brown eyes :]

-Lives with his mom. His father is mostly responsible for paying his tuition. Not much else, though. I do not think he has a good relationship with his mom at all. Might be part of where his desire for control stems from-- witnessing an adult who can't put in the effort, can never control a situation, and deciding he had to be the strong one who would always step up, and do better. He always has something to prove.

-Has a bit more muscle tone than Anne, but could definitely afford to eat more, and more regularly. Very feast or famine.

-Sasha pushes himself in a lot of ways that aren't always seen. He can run on less sleep, go longer without breaks, lift more than his own weight, push through pain-- he takes pride in it, even when it's horrible for him. It proves in his mind that he's stronger than other people. He either doesn't understand that there are forms of self harm that are less "obvious," or doesn't want to. He'd hate the term anyway- just sounds like pity.

-I don't know if she'd actually want to go on T after amphibia or not, I think in a lot of ways she might be comfortable with a change of hair and pronouns and not care about much else. She likes "girly" stuff as well as a more masculine association, enjoys the personal freedom it gives her.

-I do think it'd be cool/interesting if her eye was injured during the events of amphibia, possibly during the fight with Core Marcy/Darcy? I like it better if she's actually half blinded though, so one eye is left completely non-functional. Wouldn't bother with an eyepatch.

-Matt already said she owns a PS vita but I'm expanding on that by saying she loves fighting games. There have been many intense nights of mortal kombat and street fighter v. tekken between the girls where Marcy almost certainly wins but Sasha and Anne vie tooth and nail to be second place.

-Sasha's Mongolian/Ukrainian on her mother's side and German/American on her father's. Her mom's side of the family have been in the U.S for a few generations, though. She has little to no connection to any of her cultural ancestry I just think it's neat. Also I used to hc her with Japanese/Filipino origins like her voice actress and I still kinda like that but Matt said she has germanic/slavic heritage so I felt like getting different with it. I like either though :] 

MARCY

-Just... a litany of mental health problems with very little done about it. Has had a general mixture of depression/anxiety for a long time but doesn't recognize it because it's not like he's apathetic. He feels very intensely about everything.

-Autistic for sure. Extremely passionate about all of their interests, but especially biological sciences (with their specialty being evolutionary science.) I also think they have dyspraxia, which would at least partially explain their history of accidental injuries and "clumsiness."

-I think before Amphibia it might’ve been too minor to have much of an affect on their life (beyond not bothering much with gym or other physical activities) but Marcy has some form of chronic fatigue syndrome. Gets sore/worn out/all shaky and exhausted Way way sooner than either of their friends, which is only made worse by the whole... self-neglect thing

-Speaking of which, he’s always really struggled with base needs like hygiene or eating. Anne and Sasha have a long history of trying to show Marcy how to wash his face ‘properly’ (or, y’know, at all) but it just never sticks/he doesn’t have the energy so it never gets done. Marcy combats acne by picking his skin and he doesn’t really care if he gets scars or not. 

-They’ve been shorter than both Anne and Sasha for their whole life and the gap is going to get even wider between 13 and young adulthood. Probably never going to get taller than 5′1. 

-Obviously I draw Marcy fat but I also think that while they’re possessed by the Core, their health is neglected even further and they eat far less. Becomes a little emaciated from what a comfortable weight is for them because the Core drives the body regardless of what physical state it’s in-- it just has to be alive. 

-VERY into speedruns. Loves collecting information about weird speedruns and attempts their own. Probably has a small youtube channel that’s a mixture of speedruns and critical media analysis over video game footage.

-I really like the idea of post-amphibia Marcy being disabled and using a wheelchair most of the time, I honestly wish it could be canon? I don’t know, I just think it’d be cool to have a disabled character be a member of the main cast. Specifically I think Andrias’ sword fucked up his spine real bad and the Core piloting his body meant they were pushing him beyond his physical limits. Might be able to walk with a cane sometimes but not for long. 

-I think it’s pretty obvious they’d suffer from some pretty severe PTSD after amphibia and might be mostly dependent on others for a little while. I think they’d still want to go to college eventually though... they’re a very determined scientist through and through :] 

-Favorite game is the original MGS. Big otasune fan. That one’s just for fun sorry.

Okay I lied that got really long-winded. In summary: I am autistic and I like amphibia. I think about these 3 a lot. 

As for closing thoughts I obviously like sashannarcy but I’ll be honest I’m happiest if it isn’t super simple. I think they’ll always be very important in each others’ lives and that’s what matters most, even if it’s going to be a very rocky road to regaining their close relationship. Endgame is they all share a shitty apartment together while Marcy gets through college though. 

[preciouspeterbparker]

i wish i were

inspired by conan gray’s “heather”

warnings: stepsibling incest (not yet but that’s the whole premise), underage masturbation, underage sex, angst. peter’s like 16 and a half, Tony’s almost 18

word count: 2.2k

summary: peter’s in love with his big brother. no biggie. (spoiler alert: it’s a big deal)

(A/N: okay this has been living in my head rent free for over a month. i've written more, but it's not fully fleshed out yet. 

i figured i would post this and see if anyone is interested in reading it before i put a bunch more effort in lmao. this is filth. most of the angst comes later lololol (and more filth).

i hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think / if you'd like to read more!

- bloo)

PART ONE

Peter stands at his locker, desperately trying to blend in and remain unseen as he switches out his English textbook for Physics. The school year is basically over, given that it’s the last week of May but he’s still not comfortable in the junior-senior hallway. He’s always been the youngest (and therefore smallest) kid in most of his classes, given that he’s been in the ‘gifted & talented’ track since middle school. (He’s on track to graduate next year, taking his last few mandatory classes and completing an internship for additional credit.) This year, Peter feels even smaller than usual; maybe because most of the seniors are already eighteen, while as a sophomore, he isn’t even seventeen. He doesn’t have many friends this year, because of it. Ned moved away last summer because his dad got a new job, and, well, he’d never really needed more than Ned before. 

“Hey Pete-squeak,” comes a voice from behind, making him jump. Rolling his eyes, Peter pivots slightly to face the newcomer. The infestation of butterflies that he's been harboring for the past few months begins to flutter immediately, tickling the walls of his stomach as his cheeks flush lightly.

The voice belongs to a tall (or, well, taller than Peter, anyway), ridiculously handsome boy with dark hair and dark eyes, walking towards Peter with his hands in his pockets. The cheeky smirk on his face is all but permanent, but the small, genuine smile it slips into is something that Peter holds close to his chest, something that is typically reserved for him.  

Tony, his older brother, is pretty much Peter's favorite person in the world. Technically, he’s Peter’s step brother. Maria, his mom, and Peter’s dad Richard got married when Peter was a year old and Tony was almost three. They’d essentially spent their whole lives together; neither of them could really remember anything before. They’ve always been close, but that’s changed a little bit this year.

“Hey Tony,” Peter chirps, reaching back into his locker to grab his physics binder. He tries to act natural, even though he feels anything but. His heart’s going a mile a minute inside his rib cage. He feels a little ridiculous, he has for the past few months. Swallowing, he manages to sound relatively calm. “You read the last 2 chapters of Beowulf, right? Mrs. Herrera gave us a pop quiz last period.” 

The older teen groans. Closing his eyes, he throws his head back, a metallic thunk sounding as it collides with the locker he’s leaning back on. “Fucking hell. The final paper is due in like four fucking days! Is that not enough?” It’s quiet for a moment as Tony pauses before he opens one eye, cutting it to look at Peter. “What were the answers?” 

Peter snorts in response, shutting his locker. “Not happening, T.”  He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time and lets the left side of his body rest against the cool metal. Three minutes til the bell rings, and Mr. Riley’s class is right across the hall. So he’s essentially got three minutes to indulge himself and the fuzzy warmth that’s running through his veins. He loves any time he gets to spend with Tony. “You’re lucky I told you at all, be grateful.” 

Tony wrinkles his nose at him. “Rude,” he scoffs in mock offense. “I know you can remember them,” comes his teasing accusation. (And he’s right. Peter can recall the entirety of the quiz, but he’s still not going to enable Tony.) Then he pauses and raises an eyebrow at his younger brother. “Is that my sweatshirt?” The garment in question is a worn and slightly faded black Led Zeppelin USA 1977 crewneck sweatshirt. Peter’s wearing it over a charcoal and white check button-up. The sweatshirt is one of Tony’s favorite pieces of clothing, he wears it all the time (hence why Peter...borrowed it...without asking).

Having mentally prepared himself to be questioned at some point, Peter’s reply is already on the tip of his tongue. “Yeah, it ended up in my laundry and once I put it on it was too cozy to take off. And it looks good with these jeans and the button-up. And my boots. Trying out a new look,” he finishes, smiling as he pushes his glasses further up his nose. Tony often teased him about the thick, clear-but-slightly-pink frames, but Peter hadn’t wanted glasses at all (he doesn’t need any more reasons to be teased, thank you), but he likes these. They make him look cute, more feminine. More like someone Tony could want. 

“You’re right,” Tony smiles. One of his hands comes up to playfully ruffle at Peter’s russet hair. “Looks great on you, kid.” There’s warm affection in his voice. 

Peter feels his cheeks go hot again, and he wills the flush to go away. He can’t take compliments from Tony, now- they make him ache and preen simultaneously. He knows that Tony doesn’t mean it the way he wants. Peter knows that Tony would never speak to him again if he knew what was really going on inside his little brother’s head. The thought makes him sick to his stomach. 

Speaking of stomachs. “Hey,” he starts as he fingers through the papers in his physics binder, attempting to find the problem set that’s due today. “Did you ever catch up on Hell’s Kitchen? I’ve been rewatching episodes trying to wait for you, but you’re taking too long. You saw the episode where Gordon-” Peter’s heart falls to his stomach and he abruptly stops speaking when he looks up to notice that Tony isn’t looking at him anymore, barely seems to be listening. 

It falls completely out of his ass when he sees just what, just who, has stolen his attention. 

“Sorry, Pete, gotta go,” Tony mutters once he realizes that Peter’s stopped talking, shooting him a hasty smile and shoving off the navy metal. He skirts past Peter, a slight skip in his step as he makes his way down the hallway. 

Peter's swallows and clenches his jaw as he watches his brother walk straight to her, the bane of his existence. The reason he and Tony don’t spend as much time together anymore. The object of Tony’s affections. Pepper. She's...everything Peter wishes he could be, honestly. Tall, somehow a perfect mix of skinny & curvy, bright blue eyes, long strawberry-blonde hair. She's perfect. And not only in looks; she's also ridiculously smart. If Tony wasn’t valedictorian, she surely would be. She even volunteers at the local soup kitchen every weekend, and Peter’s pretty sure she reads to dogs at the animal shelter once a month. He hates that Pepper is so nice; he hates that he can't hate her without hating himself for it. 

As if he didn't have enough self-loathing already.

***

Peter exits the bathroom that connects his bedroom with Tony’s after gently flicking the lock on his brother’s door to disengage it, the soft ‘snick’ ridiculously loud in the quiet of the house. He’s the only one home; Mom and Dad are at some sort of event for Dad’s law firm, and Tony went to a party at Rhodey’s house. (Tony had insisted that Peter was invited, but he had to know that the younger would never go- why would he want to be surrounded by drunk, horny, belligerent teenagers? The last thing he wanted to see was Tony and- )

There’s a dark gray towel loosely wrapped around his waist, so loose he has to clutch it in his hand to keep it from falling. He closes his own bathroom door behind him and drops the towel, digging through his underwear drawer to pull out a random pair of plaid boxers. 

After sliding them on, the brunette takes a deep breath and lays back against the pillows, arms behind his head. He tries to consciously relax his muscles, the tension of the day not having melted away during his shower like he had hoped. Time for Plan B. It’s never let him down before. Peter reaches for his phone and unlocks it before swiping through his apps to open Spotify. The sound of “Dazed and Confused” fills the air through his speakers, and he sets it to repeat on a loop. It’s a little fucked up, the way he’s conditioned himself to respond to this song, but- Peter knows the whole thing is fucked up; he’s fucked up. 

Closing his eyes, he does the only thing he’s been capable of for months: he thinks of his older brother. 

He’s growing fond of the new facial hair Tony’s trying out; he wonders how it would feel against his skin. Which areas would be the most sensitive to its touch? His thighs? His neck? Peter’s head tilts back and to the side as he imagines wet, warm lips and the scratch of stubble. Just the thought, the phantom sensation, makes a soft mewl leave his mouth. It’s a little ridiculous how easy he can get himself going, when he thinks of Tony’s touch, of his body. Of his love. In his boxers, his cock shifts against his thigh as it begins to fill out. 

The sensual, plucky bassline and wailing guitars of the song drag along, and so does Peter’s breathing as he brings a hand up to pinch at one of his nipples. He imagines the way Tony would tease him until he was whining, begging for release. He supposes it wouldn’t be dissimilar to his older brother’s typical manner of playfully taunting him. Maybe Tony would pin him down like he did when they were younger, climb on top of him and hold him there with the muscles he’s gained from boxing in the garage. The opportunities he’s had to see the older teen breathing heavy, shirtless and glistening with sweat, would be forever ingrained in his mind. The mental image sends more blood rushing south and his dick throbs as it quickly reaches full hardness, drawing a gasp from his mouth. 

Peter takes himself in hand, studying the details of his cock. He knows he’s not huge, but he’s at least on the larger side of average. It’s flushed a deep, mauve-y pink, and he traces the line of a vein on the side with the tip of his pinkie. A shiver shoots down his spine. He wonders how similar it is to Tony’s. Is he circumcised like Peter is? Is he bigger? Longer, thicker even? Sure, he’s seen him naked before, when they were younger changing or in the bath, but that stopped around the time Tony was seven or eight. 

(Tony and Peter had come home from school one day, and Peter’s head had been reeling over what he heard some older girls saying on the bus. He’d decided to ask Tony about it. His big brother knew everything. ...Mom & Dad caught them kissing in their bedroom. That was the end of bathing together, and Tony got his own room, too. Peter never forgot about the way his big brother’s lips felt against his own.) 

A bead of precum oozes out of his tip and Peter rubs his thumb over it, smearing the liquid over his cockhead. Robert Plant’s voice moans over the speaker and Peter echoes the sound as he slowly strokes himself with a loose grip, his hole tightening around nothing. Biting his lip, he hesitates before slipping his left pointer finger into his mouth, rolling his tongue around it sloppily. Once it’s wet, he reaches down and gently presses the pad of his finger against the tightly furled muscle between his cheeks. His breath hitches as the sensation; he’s only touched himself down here a couple of times before. 

The tip of his finger begins to breach his opening and a whine leaves Peter’s mouth. It stings a bit so he tries to relax, muscles fluttering, making a mental note to grab some lube next time he goes to the drugstore. He wants to be able to stretch himself out more, to imagine Tony’s fingers, Tony’s cock, splitting him open and stuffing him full. Fuck-

Tightening his grip on the base of his cock, Peter grits his teeth and grunts softly as he pulls his finger from his ass. He can’t cum yet- he’s not done. He reaches under his pillow, pulling out the balled-up t-shirt that’s taken up residence there. The black fabric has faded in some spots, and the Black Sabbath logo is cracked and worn; it’s one of Tony’s favorite shirts. Peter brings the soft cloth up to his nose, fumbling with it to find the area with the strongest smell. There are hints of Tony’s Old Spice deodorant mixed with a scent that’s distinctly Tony, a warm, masculine musk that has saliva pooling in Peter’s mouth. Delirious, fucking his hand to the beat, he wishes he had dug a little further in the hamper, pulled out a pair of Tony’s briefs. 

That’s the thought that does him in. Peter cums into his fist, gasping his brother’s name, the sound getting muddled in the maelstrom of guitar and drums. Thick ropes of jizz splatter on his stomach and chest, entire abdomen heaving with his breaths. 

He wipes the mess up with Tony’s t-shirt before tucking the fabric back under his pillow for safe keeping.

to be continued???

[mysticpetals]

Farewell, sunshine

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: Jake × f!mc (Syianne)

𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚: angst, a sprinkle of fluff

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: 4.9k (oof)

𝙎𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮: All Jake ever wanted was to find his sister and protect the person who had helped him more than anyone. Only, he slowly began to realise that bringing Syianne into this had caused more harm than good.

𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: mentions of blood, physical attack, violence, hospitals, medical coma, panic attack.

𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙨: Anonymous asked: 5. “Wake up! Please wake up.” MC and Jake finally get to meet for the first time, but everything is heavily dipped in angst. 😂 Also I adore your writing and keep up the good work!

Anonymous asked: Can you give us the most angsty jealous filled over protective short with Jake x MC i want all the ANGST to be seeping out of my screen

@mnrangera asked: Here's a nice angsty scenario for you: MC is in Duskwood continuing their investigation but is caught out in town after dark. They are on the phone with Jake when they are attacked by the Man Without a Face like Jessie was.

𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙨: I know this has been LOOOOONG overdue and I apologise for the wait. Thank you to all my followers for being patient, especially those who sent the requests in. I hope the long wait is worth it and you enjoy it. Also, please read the warnings before proceeding, I don't want any of you to be triggered by something I wrote. There may be inaccuracies in how I progressed medical conditions and general working of the hospitals so I apologise for that. Please do not repost or translate this fic anywhere else!! I'm literally begging you, please don't ruin my hard work like this. I would love if I could get some sort of feedback, whether it be reblogs or comments or just anon asks. I've tried to improve my writing and I hope it shows a little in this. This is my Christmas and New Year present all wrapped in one! I hope you all have a great 2021 <3

It was a cold, winter evening with the sky painted in a plethora of warm colors and Jake felt like finally things were going his way.

He, along with Syianne, had been working tirelessly for the past few weeks to find out what happened to Hannah. They had faced a lot of challenges along the way, with cryptic diary entries and threats directed towards them and their loved ones, but still, they'd prevailed and spent every ounce of free time, getting more information about Hannah's perpetrator.

They finally had the facts about what happened the day she was kidnapped and only the identity of the criminal was hidden. Syianne had suggested that she should go to Duskwood to try and find the last puzzle piece, to which Jake had been a little apprehensive. She argued that the rest of the group had already been through enough, with getting stalked and receiving threats and insisted that she should be the one to carry out her search in secret.

She never once asked for him to come along because she knew how dangerous it would be for him and she didn't want him to get caught. Jake was instantly warmed by the thought that someone cared so much about him, to think of his well being first.

So that night, as she called him to update him on her findings and plan after she went to Duskwood, he found himself speaking his thoughts impulsively.

"What if I came too?"

There was silence on the other end and Jake thought he might have overstepped or made it weird but she answered before he could stammer an apology.

"I'd like that. But only if you're comfortable and safe."

She told him to ruminate on it for a while and bid him goodnight. Jake thought about whether it was a logical thing to do. If Syianne planned to go undercover, he couldn't very well let her go into the lion's den alone. So he made up his mind and texted Syianne to let her know.

Jake [10:46 pm]

I'll come to Duskwood too.

Is it okay if we don't meet straight away?

I...I don't think I'm ready yet.

Syianne [10:47 pm]

I was lowkey hoping you'd say that ahaha

And of course! Take as much time as you need :)

That night, he slept with a smile on his face, excitement churning in his stomach.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Syianne was looking forward to her trip to Duskwood.

She knew it was a potentially dangerous situation and she was only going there to investigate but knowing that Jake might be there too, sent a spark of thrill through her body. They had been speaking non-stop for the past few weeks and she really liked talking to him. His answers to questions about him or his life were adorably confusing and Syianne realized that she really wanted to get to know him, be his friend or possibly something more, if their flirty banter was anything to go by.

Her bag contained all the essentials she could need, along with a sketchbook and pencils to use in case of boredom. She couldn't leave Matrix with any of her friends as they were either busy or allergic to cats so her only option was to take her along.

She had never booked a flight so fast. Knowing she would have to take a car from the airport to the rest of the way to Duskwood did nothing to damper her excitement. She couldn't wait to meet everyone once they found Hannah, some more so than the others.

The trip was nothing eventful, just a lot of travelling and it made Syianne a little tired but the idea of meeting her friends and finally putting a stop to all this madness, made her keep going. She wouldn't admit it if you asked her but she was looking forward to possibly seeing Jake as well. She knew he might not be comfortable enough to meet her yet and she completely respected that, but the thought still lingered.

She checked in to the only hotel Duskwood had, not meeting the receptionist's - Lilly's - eyes and was eternally grateful that she had only leaked her number and not her photo in that video. It would have been much more difficult to move about Duskwood, if that were the case.

The room they had was pretty basic, but not too bad for a few nights. Matrix prowled around the room, getting herself comfortable in the new environment while Syianne slowly unpacked the few clothes and necessities she brought.

In the corner of her mind, there was the thought that Jake might be staying at this hotel too and that sent a shiver of excitement down her spine. But she was a woman of her word and would wait until Jake was ready and would not try to look for him.

She had a mission here and she wanted to be damn sure that that's what she would be focusing on and save Hannah.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jake was supposed to be in Duskwood about two nights ago.

He had encountered some issues with removing his tracks from the internet, as well as trying to find a safe way to drive to Duskwood without exposing himself. Working as a hacker did have some benefits and finally he managed to find a guy who made him three fake number plates that he would interchange every once in a while, so his whereabouts couldn't be traced.

He had let Syianne know of the unexpected delay but to his surprise, she was enjoying herself in Duskwood. She had told him that Jessy gave her a virtual tour of the town once and she was excited to explore all those places in person. She talked to him at night, describing the beauty of the small town and Jake felt himself growing wistful, wondering what they could do together if he had been there. But then again, hadn't he said that he wouldn't show himself right now? He was cautious - just as he had been all his life - but something about Syianne just made him want to let his guard down, to just be selfish for once.

He had no time to think further on it because finally, all the preparations and precautionary measures were done and he could drive to Duskwood. He couldn't leave Glitch at home because he had attachment issues and couldn't go without Jake for a long period of time. So he ushered him into his carrier and told him he could claw all the wood he wanted when they reached their destination and Glitch meowed in agreement. He had always been a smart cat, after all.

Changing the number plates every hour was exhausting, especially when he didn't do much manual work but he endured it, if it meant he was one step closer to finding his sister.

When he finally reached Duskwood, he was in awe of how normal it looked, how silent; how someone who didn't know that a girl had been kidnapped would think of this place as the perfect getaway. But he knew better, didn't he? This town held dark secrets, secrets that people weren't willing to acknowledge and he was going to expose them for what they were, no matter what it took.

Signing into the Duskwood hotel was as awkward as he imagined it to be, his half sister having no idea who he was and looking at his dark, baggy clothes suspiciously. He wasn't blaming her, he would have probably done the same if a strange man came out of nowhere to stay in Duskwood of all places. Lilly gave him a tight smile as he picked up his bag and key and made way to his room.

Syianne had texted him earlier that day that she would be checking out the lake in the evening, where Jessy was attacked. Jake was against it from the start but he should have known how stubborn she could be and eventually, he had to agree but only on the condition that she stays on video call with him the whole time. Syianne was evidently bewildered by his request, judging by the way she kept writing and erasing her reply but after a while, she managed to ask if he would be comfortable with that. Jake's heart warmed at her considerate words, never really having anyone who would care about his emotions, he was always surprised when Syianne said something like that. He replied that he would just turn off his camera or point it at the lamp or something but he had to be sure about her safety.

And that's why, he was sitting with his phone in front of him in the evening, camera turned off as he watched her fondly, pointing out the strange birds she saw.

"Ah, I wish you were here! The lake is so pretty this time and the light from sunset is reflecting off the water and it makes an amazing view," she said, voice breathy with the exertion of walking for a while and a tone of awe towards the scene in front of her.

"That's sufficient sightseeing, don't you think?" Her voice suddenly took a serious note and Jake straightened up in his chair. He was afraid but couldn't say anything. He had already agreed to let her go with a condition and he feared if he asked her to not investigate, she would probably end the call and keep looking for clues by herself. At least on the phone, he could look at her surroundings and made sure no one sneaked up on her.

"If you say so," he said half-heartedly, glancing at the surroundings behind her as she narrowed her eyes at his dismissive tone.

The next twenty minutes were spent with Syianne looking around the lake and Jake looking over her shoulder virtually. She had scouted the edge and went a little deeper into the forest, looking for a car, a boat, a mask - anything, really - but the search had proved to be futile so far. Everything was as peaceful as ever, no signs of any disturbance and it made Jake a little antsy. Nothing was ever this perfect.

"Well, since we can't find anything here, I think you should come back. It's getting late," Jake said, looking at the already darkened sky. It was an ominous red color and Jake was getting more and more worried as people left the lakeside.

Syianne frowned but didn't argue and that made him sigh in relief.

"Yeah, you're right. No use trying to find something that isn't there," she said and started walking again.

"Wait, you walked here? Didn't you bring your car?" Jake asked and she shook her head.

"Nope, I wanted to enjoy Duskwood and being in a car wouldn't have helped," she smiled at the camera and Jake let out an almost inaudible sigh. Why couldn't she care about her safety a little more? She was going to give him grey hair before he reached his thirties, that was for sure.

As he began to reply to her, he caught movement from the left side of the screen and instantly grabbed his phone, expanding the background.

There was a silhouette of a hand.

"Syianne, run!" He shouted, as the figure's arm came into view and she looked back in surprise before starting to sprint, the camera shaking from her movements.

Jake scrambled to get his car keys, not bothering with what he was wearing and ran towards the hotel parking, getting into his car and connecting the GPS to his phone, all the while listening to Syianne's panting breaths as she ran away from the man without a face.

Getting her location was no problem for him and he just hoped he would arrive there on time.

"Jake, I'm scared. I'm hiding behind a big building and I think he went on ahead," she whispered, voice shaky and trembling and Jake's hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he glanced over at his phone to watch her looking around herself in a panic.

Five more minutes and he would reach her location. Jake had never been more thankful that Duskwood was a small town and the hotel wasn't so far away from the lake.

"I'm coming, Syianne. Just a little while more and we'll go back together."

"Okay, I think I'm safe for now," she said. There was a sound of slow careful footsteps as Syianne came out from behind the building.

The abrupt sound of a gasp almost made him lose control of the steering wheel and he increased his speed as he heard what sounded like a scuffle. Syianne had probably dropped her phone because it only showed the dark sky and sounds of her struggling against her attacker.

"No! Let–"

Jake let out a harsh breath, jaw tightening as he heard Syianne's scream. He drove straight for a bit and turned the next corner and saw the man trying once again to restrain her. His eyes saw red and he honked and honked like it was nobody's business, speeding towards them.

The man without a face seemed to have realised that someone was coming to help as he pushed Syianne roughly into the wall and ran away towards the forest. As much as Jake wanted to go after him, Syianne was his first priority and he quickly got out of the car, dashing towards her crumpled form, lying on the ground.

He fumbled with his phone, calling the local police and asking for an ambulance, his body shaking all the while, as he knelt down next to Syianne.

He felt tears welling in her eyes as he looked at her battered form and realised that she was bleeding.

"Syianne?" He spoke in a scared voice.

"Syianne!" He said more forcefully, repeatedly patting her face in hope she'll look at him but her eyes were still glassy and unfocused as if she couldn't comprehend anything.

"I'm...so sorry. I…" her voice trailed off as she struggled to breathe and Jake cried, seeing her in so much pain, when he couldn't do anything except wait for the ambulance to arrive.

After a moment, Syianne's eyes fluttered closed and Jake's panic rose to new heights.

"No, no, no! Wake up! Please wake up!" He shouted and begged but she didn't respond to his calls.

His hand was soaked in her blood from where he was applying pressure on the wound at her side. The blood hadn't stopped flowing and Jake was worried that she was losing too much, too soon.

"What do I do? What do I do?" He muttered to himself, adrenaline coursing through his veins, with only one thought in his head – to save her.

He heard sirens in the distance and was relieved to know that help was coming. He pushed up the fallen hood of his jacket up on his head and looked at Syianne for any signs of consciousness. Her breaths were shallow and eyes still closed.

Soon enough, paramedics rushed to the scene and immediately started tending to Syianne's wounds. Jake felt as if he was just a spectator, not being able to do anything but watch. Someone came up to him and started asking him questions, about how he found her, who he was to her and if he knew anything about the attack. He answered all the questions as carefully as he could, giving a fake name, because he still wasn't sure if the police department was in league with the kidnapper or not.

As soon as he was done with the questioning, a paramedic approached him, letting him know that they were taking Syianne to the hospital and he would have to come there for a bit of paperwork. Jake hesitated and said he'd drive there in his own car and the paramedic nodded in response and left.

He got in his car and put his head in his hands, shaking at the unfortunate turn of events. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Syianne was just going to check out the lake and then surprise her friends the next day by telling them she'd be here for a few days and enjoy Duskwood together.

Jake was even thinking of meeting her in person and telling her that she had changed his life for the better. But his cowardice, his meticulous nature to not let anyone know who he was or where he was might have cost Syianne her life tonight. Even thinking about it had tears pooling in his eyes and he took a deep breath to bite back the sobs that were threatening to break once again.

He felt guilty, so so guilty and couldn't bring himself to start the car. He was pretty sure that if – no when – Syianne woke up, she would want nothing to do with the man who put her life in danger. With that thought rooted in his mind, he opened his phone and with trembling hands, sent Jessy a text about Syianne's accident. He received a reply almost immediately.

Jessy [8:46 pm]

What?

How did she come here?

You know what? If she's not okay, I'm going to hunt you down and make you pay.

Jake had no trouble believing she was telling the truth. All he wanted to do was help and now everything was falling apart. Taking a deep but shaky breath, he started the car but instead of going to the hospital, he turned towards the hotel.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jessy had no trouble believing that the hacker was telling the truth. His texts were frantic and he practically begged her to go to the hospital to see Syianne. She had no idea how she got here, but hearing that she got attacked, just like she was, was enough to make her worry and drive to the hospital, after letting Cleo know. She figured that the rest of them deserved to know too.

She rushed to the front desk, breathless and worried, and one of the nurses told Jessy that the doctors were with Syianne and she'd have to wait until they were done to know how she was.

After some time of relentless pacing, Cleo arrived and Jessy filled her in on everything that the hacker told her, which wasn't much, but it gave them a good idea of what had happened. Cleo said that she hadn't told anyone else yet and that they should do so as soon as the doctors had an update on Syianne's condition.

About an hour later, a nurse came upto Jessy and Cleo, asking if they knew Syianne and upon their confirmation, led them to the room she was kept in. They weren't allowed to enter yet as the doctors were still in the room, but Jessy gasped when she saw Syianne's scratched up face, with bandages covering her head.

"Oh my gosh." Cleo breathed and Jessy felt a rush of sorrow as she averted her eyes.

The doctors after completing their examination, told them that Syianne was stabbed in the side but luckily it didn't puncture anything important and they closed up the wound to allow it to heal. What was more concerning, was the fact that she was hit on the back of her head.

"She most likely suffered from a concussion, in which case, it is of the utmost importance that the patient doesn't fall asleep," the doctor said and Jessy and Cleo looked at each other uneasily.

"But Syianne fell asleep…" Jessy began and the doctor gave her an apologetic smile.

"That's right. She was unconscious when she was brought here. The superficial wounds are taken care of, we just don't know when she'll wake up."

Both of them were too stunned to say anything and a call for the doctor from one of the nurses broke them out of their stupor.

"So, she's in a coma?" Cleo asked.

The doctor hesitated before answering.

"Essentially, yes. But we can't know for sure without further observation. If the injury isn't severe she'll wake up soon, we just have to monitor her constantly and look for any changes." He then walked off when his pager went off, most likely to see another patient.

"Don't worry, Jessy. She'll wake up soon," Cleo said, placing a hand on her shoulder, as they looked into Syianne's room, seeing her sleeping peacefully, as if nothing was wrong and she was just taking a nap.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

As soon as she got home from the hospital, Jessy sent out a row of furious texts to the hacker, clouded by her anger and hopelessness. In her head, it was all his fault that Syianne was twittering between life and death. He was the one who asked her to come to Duskwood without letting any of them know, which caused her to be in such a terrible condition.

Everything was crumbling.

They were a tight knit group, always there for each other but when did it turn into a nightmare, Jessy didn't know. Emotion overtook her and she suddenly collapsed against the wall, keeping a hand on her mouth to muffle her sobs, and cried.

She cried for Hannah, who she had no idea whether she was alive or not. She cried for Syianne, who had become such a great friend to her. Most importantly, she cried for her relationship with everyone, that was slowly but surely, withering away.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jake had been pacing in his hotel room ever since getting back, waiting on a word from Jessy. Glitch watched him with big eyes, as he stubbed his on the bedside and cursed. Sighing in defeat, Jake realised that it won't do any good to worry himself to death, but that didn't mean that his mind didn't drift off to the earlier scene.

Syianne lying on the ground. Blood pooled around her.

He shook his head in frustration, trying to get that image out of his head but to no success. Glitch, sensing that something was wrong, strolled towards him, rubbing and purring against his legs. Jake softened at seeing his efforts to calm him and he picked Glitch up, moving to lay down on the bed. He petted him, smiling at the way the cat burrowed himself further against Jake, curling his tail around his wrist.

After a few peaceful moments of cuddling, Jake's phone lit up with a text, which had him scrambling to grab it from the bedside. Glitch meowed in protest but Jake was too wound up to notice.

Jessy [10:25 pm]

She's in a coma

They don't know when she'll wake up

Jake felt all breath leave him as he read Jessy's text. He didn't know what to think, what to do, what he could do. Jessy didn't give him a chance to respond.

Jessy [10:26 pm]

Don't contact any of us ever again

I don't want to find Hannah this way…which leads to everyone else getting hurt

Please leave Syianne out of this

Saying her mind, Jessy went offline again. Jake took a shaky breath, trying to ground himself. Syianne might never make up.

No, he told himself.

He couldn't think like that. He knew she'd wake up, it might take a little time but she will. Because if she didn't, Jake wouldn't be able to live with himself.

He got another text from Lilly, saying she was sorry that it happened but he couldn't bring himself to write back. His mind was empty, body numb to everything around him and he was cursing himself for being so careless.

If he hadn't been so selfish, if only he didn't put all of this on her, if he had just reached on time, if, if, if.

That's all he thought of, as tears continuously trailed down his cheeks, an arm covering his eyes, the only thing on his mind being Syianne, just as it had been ever since he started talking to her.

⊱⋅ ──��───────── ⋅⊰

The next day, Jake found himself holding a large flower bouquet and walking to Duskwood hospital's reception. He was trembling, scared out of his mind but he just had to see Syianne. So, he had braved his anxiety and was now standing in front of the receptionist, who looked at the abnormally large bouquet in his hands and raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat.

"I'm here to see Syianne King, she was admitted here yesterday."

The receptionist's gaze sharpened as she looked him over and he partially hid behind the flowers.

"Only family members are allowed to visit," she spoke slowly and Jake bit his lip in frustration.

"I'm her fiance," he said and before the surprised receptionist could say anything, he continued, "I drove here as soon as I got the call but they wouldn't tell me what happened. Only that Syianne had been in an accident and I needed to get here as soon as I could and I—" he cut himself off, shuffling nervously and wiping away the tears that had managed to escape from his eyes.

The receptionist softened, seeing his genuine sorrow and care for his fiance and warmed her voice.

"Of course, I'm sorry for what happened. She's in room 309, third floor. The elevator is down the hall," she pointed and Jake thanked her profusely before walking ahead.

Him being Syianne's fiance might have been fake but everything he had felt was the truth and he felt overwhelmed now that he was here. Should he see her? Did he even deserve to see her after he put her in danger? Thoughts like this plagued his mind all the way to Syianne's room and they only stopped when he saw '309' written in bold letters on a grey coloured door.

His breath stuttered in his chest. He was second guessing his presence in the hospital, thinking whether he shouldn't have come. He stood in front of the door for about ten minutes, contemplating but when the nurses started giving him suspicious looks, he swallowed thickly and with shaky hands, opened the door.

Nothing could have prepared him for the utter despair and helplessness he felt, as he saw Syianne's motionless form on the bed, breathing as if she was just sleeping and would wake up any minute. But he knew that wasn't the truth.

She was here and it was his fault.

For the longest time, he just sat on a chair beside her bed and just looked at her. His eyes traced every injury, every bruise that was visible and he felt sick, blaming himself for letting it happen. She was still sleeping and suddenly, it just got too much.

There was too much light, too much beeping, the walls were too white, the flowers in his hands digging into his skin and he got up hastily, dropping the bouquet and backed into the furthest corner of the room.

His breath was coming in short bursts, it hurt to breath, to think, to stay upright—!

His legs gave from under him and he slid down, back against the wall, shaking hands coming up to wipe the wetness on his face.

He didn't even realise he had been crying.

His vision was a blur of dark shapes and in a distinct corner of his head that was still sane, he thought of what Syianne would have done had she been awake. He was sure she would kneel down in front of him and take his hands, running her thumbs against the back of his hands to calm him.

'Breathe slowly, Jake. Deep breaths with me, come on,' he heard her in his head and tried to slow down, breathing harshly at first but after a few minutes, his vision cleared and his breathing stabled to an acceptable rate.

His whole body shook with the sheer suddenness of the panic attack and he slowly tried to get up, holding onto the wall as a support as his gaze, once again, landed on the bed and it's occupant.

All at once, his head cleared and he knew what to do.

Snatching a sheet of paper from the notepad lying near her chart, Jake penned his thoughts, all his anguish, and his apologies on it. Not once did his hand shake as he wrote the note and not once did his mind waver from the decision he had made. At last, when he had said everything he wanted to, he put the pen down and glanced at Syianne's peaceful face.

His throat closed up but he swallowed once to make sure he didn't cry. No, Jake had no time for tears. It was his fault that this happened in the first place, so it was his responsibility that he would make it right.

He didn't know when she would wake but whenever it might be, Jake had everything he wanted to say, already written for her.

He bent down towards her and placed the softest of kisses against her forehead, knowing that it would be the only time he would ever get to do it.

She did not open her eyes and Jake stepped back with a miniscule tilt of his lips.

Yes, he would make everything right.

[illyaana]

4 to 10 - Sugawara Koushi

credits to @kvsagi for the Suga art!

Tags: Timeskip! Sick Suga x Doctor! Reader, No Specific Gender for Reader, Angst

Synopsis: Suga has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis ever since he was 18, a few days after he graduated from high school. He works as an author in the hospital room he currently lives in. When he was 26, you entered the hospital as an official resident doctor and you were assigned to him.

In the beginning, it was just wheezing. After serving a ball to the ace, Suga just needed a few minutes to breathe air back into his system - nothing else.

It slowly became long nights of consistent coughing. It was just a dust allergy - nothing more. Almost all his family members had it - his allergic reactions were just stronger.

It became shorter hours of practice and any forms of exercise. His lungs were just weaker than the rest of the team's. It didn't mean that he was not as skilled as them - he just had to work more efficiently - more success, less time.

Then came the first lung infection.

Then the next.

Then the next.

Then the next.

It was no longer something he could just write off anymore.

Then came the tests; one sweat test and one genetic test.

The next time people saw him, he carried a bag connected to a tube that was in his nose.

He could still live his life normally - he just needed regular checkups. The only thing he needed to do was keep his distance, keep clean and not mess up.

That's all he needed to do, right?

The attacks got worse and worse.

His lungs became so fragile the slightest amount of dust or germ could kill him.

If he wanted to live, he needed to live in the hospital.

Until his clock stopped working, he needed to stay in the white walls of the Hospital of Tokyo forever - and that is what he did.

For the next 8 years of his life, he stayed in the hospital as a 'permanent resident' and lived peacefully.

His life consisted of college online, eating, studying, cleaning his lungs, talking with the other 'permanent residents' or just 'guests', playing with kids in the pediatric ward and sleep.

That was his life - and he didn't hate it.

He soon graduated from college and university and became an author - a well-known one, may I add.

He still talked to his friends from high school - Daichi and Asahi being common visitors with the occasional visit from Kageyama and Hinata.

This was his life until his life ended.

But all that changed when you came into the hospital for the first time.

Sugawara was never one to eye at the doctors or the nurses in the hospital - he believed that it was irrational and very wrong. Yet, you somehow changed his mind almost instantly.

He couldn't muster the bravery to even welcome you on your first day by himself, despite everyone who knew him literally pushing him to do so.

He begged all of the nurses to introduce him to you, but they all wanted him to do it by himself.

"Staring at our newest doctor, huh?" said Sugawara's doctor, Hizashi Yamada from behind him.

"You want me to introduce you to them?" He asked, smiling deviously.

Soon, Suga's doctor brought him to meet you, despite all of Suga's resistance to it.

"Hello, Y/N-sensei. Welcome to the Hospital of Tokyo. It is a pleasure to have someone so well-versed in our hospital as a permanent doctor," said Hizashi-sensei.

He placed his hand out, only for you to shake it. "No need for the praises, Yamada-sensei. The fact you recognized me is a privilege itself."

"This," Yamada-sensei pulled Suga forward, "Is Sugawara Koushi. He has been admitted to our hospital ever since he was eighteen."

Suga blushed furiously.

He wasn't ready to meet you up close so quickly. He wanted to admire you from afar for at least another two more days so that he could learn about your interests, but fate wasn't on his side this time.

Not to mention, you were a doctor, too! One of the younger ones, too... and hotter...

Suga awoke from his daze when he saw your gloved hand reach out to his to give him a handshake. "Pleasure to meet you, Sugawara-san. I believe you are an author? My sister loves your books!"

Suga was internally thanking Daichi for telling him to become an author.

Suga raised his hand to meet yours in a handshake. "The pleasure is all mine."

"As you both know, I am retiring this year," Yamada-sensei said, making both you and Suga face him.

"I've discussed with the board. Y/N-sensei, you'll be in charge of Suga starting tomorrow. I will send all the information about his condition soon," He ended off with a smile.

Wait - you were in charge of him?

Suga was shaking even more now.

It would no longer be Yamada-sensei seeing the uglier side of him but the very person he was developing a crush on.

"Fate works in mysterious ways, huh?" you said, breaking Suga's train of thought.

"I guess it was good I met you today then, Sugawara-san," you ended with a cheerful smile.

"I leave myself in your care then, Y/N-sensei," Suga said while bowing to you.

"Just call me Y/N. I think you're older than me, anyway," you said, laughing a bit. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

You walked towards the nurses that were calling you, leaving an extremely red Sugawara in the middle of the foyer.

The next day stood as a challenge for the silver-haired male.

He was going to act as good as he can so that your job could be as simple as it can be - no cheeky comments, no playful jokes.

Just being a boring, normal patient for the few hours you'd be in his room.

Well, that resolve almost failed immediately when you came in and begged for a conversation with him.

"It's too quiet for me to work properly, Sugawara-san. I know you think that keeping the room quiet helps, but the tension in the room is a bit too strong for me to work normally," you said, aching for some noise to come out of him.

But he didn't say anything - not even a noise.

"If you don't say anything in the next few minutes, I am going to begin talking a bit too much and trust me, you don't want that."

You turned to prepare the machine to remove the excess mucus in his lungs.

"You can call me Suga-san if you want," Suga whispered, scared to speak as loud as he usually does.

You chuckled and turned to face him. "I was going to call you Koushi-kun, whether you liked it or not."

"So, Koushi-kun," you started, "where and when does this author's life begin?"

He chuckled softly. "I was actually born in Miyagi. I was a replacement setter for the volleyball team in my school. Then again, I played a few times even when our main setter was there."

"What school?"

"Karasuno."

You opened your eyes in shock. "Wait - you were part of the Karasuno's volleyball team that went to nationals back then!"

He stared at your wonder-filled eyes and smiled. "Yeah, I was."

"So you know Hinata Shoyo and Kageyama Tobio? The Japan players?"

Pride swelled in him when he heard those two names. "Yeah, I do. I actually taught Hinata the basics."

"You've done well, my friend," you said, earning a laugh from the 26-year old.

And that small conversation began the long conversations you both had when you were doing long hours in the hospital.

After handling other patients, you'd often spend time with Koushi in his room with the pretence of 'I'm his doctor - it's my duty to be with him most of the time.'

But that was far from the truth, wasn't it?

You were developing feelings for your own patient.

How could you not fall for him?

Behind the beautiful exterior of his was a man of true beauty itself.

He was a hard worker - spent most of his time working on his new project.

He was kind - helped the nurses with managing the kids in the pediatric ward when they went for their lunch break.

He was the ideal man for anyone.

Time passed and you had been taking care of the former setter for the past two years.

He introduced you to his friends - Asahi, Daichi, Kageyama and Hinata, if you remember correctly - when they came over.

They soon became close friends of yours too - despite your fangirling over the Japan volleyball players. They often spent hours on end with Suga in his room.

All of you enjoyed the small talks you all had together and talked about the things happening in the outside world - be it a small injury or someone's wedding.

"Y/N-san, what about you? Are you in a relationship?" the orange-haired man asked, a small yet beaming smile on his lips.

You instantly blushed and looked at Sugawara. His eyes focused solely on you, taking you in.

"I've been single my whole life. I don't think I'd be getting into a relationship soon, too. The doctor's life doesn't really revolve around romance, despite all the TV shows and movies," you ended, earning snickers from almost everyone in the room.

"How about the rest of you? Is there a conquest of love happening in your lives?" you asked. Now my turn to grin.

Both Kageyama and Hinata stared at one another, faces beet red.

Koushi sighed. "Why can't you both just tell that you're a couple? We all knew ever since high school."

"How did you all know?" Kageyama shouted. You immediately shushed him, earning a small 'sorry' from him.

"You both aren't quiet in the storage room, you know?" Daichi said. Everyone except the couple began laughing hysterically.

"Damn, the money I'd get if I leaked this to the news," you jokingly said, teasing the two players.

When the clock showed 8pm, you pushed the four of the visitors out of Suga's room.

Their time had ended and they needed to head home.

Once they left, you felt a tug on your doctor's coat. You saw Koushi asking you back into the room, not ready for you to leave yet.

"Is everything okay?" You asked him, worried about his health.

"Do you feel like there isn't enough oxygen in your tank? I can always get you a replacement right now-" Koushi placed his finger on your lips.

"Please, just listen to what I have to say," he asked, his eyes begging you to listen to him.

You closed the door behind the two of you. He pulled you to sit beside him on his bed.

"I know I don't have much time left. I already had 10 years after diagnosis when the norm is 4," he said, chuckling.

You wanted to intervene - hell, the sentence was already prepared in your head - but you didn't. From what it looked like, he wanted you to just accept whatever he had to say.

"My drive to write is long gone - I can barely write a sentence I like anymore. I love playing with the kids, but I feel like I would just disturb them rather than entertaining them. I - I feel my life slipping away from my fingers, Y/N..." he said, tears forming around his eyes.

"Yet, when I see you walk along the halls of the hospital, I feel re-energized. I only met you two years ago, but I already am so dependant on you - and not just as a doctor. You are the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. You are the only thing I think of when I fall asleep. You are..." he gripped on your wrist, "the only thing I want right now."

"Koushi-kun..."

"I love you, Y/N. I didn't want you to leave today without knowing this. I love you so much - as a doctor and as a person."

You hugged the male in front of you, letting his tears fall on your jacket.

"I know you can't reciprocate my feelings, but I just needed you to know."

You gripped on his shirt.

This was the only man you've ever wanted, but you could never have him.

You held your tears back as you walked out of his room.

The next day was just a blur.

The mucus in his lungs built up at an extremely fast pace.

A severe infection formed in his lungs.

You rushed from your apartment to the hospital to conduct surgery as fast as you could.

Luck, however, wasn't on your side.

In the midst of the surgery, the electrocardiogram flatlined.

Sugawara Koushi was pronounced dead at 3:45 am at the Hospital of Tokyo on the 19th of December in the year 2022.

I hope you enjoyed the fanfic! As always, if you have ideas or tropes you'd like me to try, don't hesitate to leave a suggestion here! Thanks for all the reblogs and the likes too! <3 If you want to learn about Cystic Fibrosis, I watched this video and it helped me in understanding the science part of it~

[lewdladylily]

How many days has it been at this point?

Its been just under 5 months now. Its kinda weird, tbh.

Its not that I don't want to cum, some days I am incredibly desperate and want to cum so, so bad. But its not like I need to? Despite how I beg or how it feels sometimes. Being left desperate and horny and needy is just what happens now. I'm more or less acclimated to it.

To be clear, a lot of the reason I have had to wait so long has been practical. Mentally I've been somewhat unstable for quite some time and we have not really been able to jump back in fully, so we are doing mostly light play right now when we get the chance. Most of the time I spend with Owner is actually more along the lines of watching shows together or chatting about video games. So we have not gotten back into it deep yet, and I really, really want my first orgasm after all this time to be given to me by owner under proper conditions, so I have not wanted to safe word or do anything else to bring it all to a stop. That's all my rational brain talking when it comes to my denial.

Thing is, we masochistic sluts are not known for keeping rational when we are horny as hell. I know I've said some things that got me in waaay deeper than Owner would have otherwise. Begging to be treated cruel, being denied until I regret it, all sorts of stuff like that. Inevitably I end up begging for mercy and saying I was being a stupid horny bitch, etc. Raven wouldn't actually go to far, she takes care of me so well, but she is more than happy to push me right to my limits if I am foolish enough to ask for it.

Basically, horny slut is stupid. And horny slut has been having really foolish fantasies about more denial, and about even more cruel denial. It is hard to explain how much I want to be completely out of control of how I am used. No matter how much I want to cum there is always part of me desperately hoping owner is going to say no, that she will be even more cruel.

I'm kinda stuck in a loop. Being more acclimated means I have less long term desperation to cum, and my own stupid horny masochist brain keeps on betraying me and wanting me to be denied in as cruel a way as possible, so I spend very little time in the middle where I actually am motivated to try to earn a proper orgasm. I still want it, but often I want it less than I don't want it, if that makes sense.

I am sure it doesn't help that its almost an abstract thing to me now. I honestly kinda struggle to construct in my head what being allowed an orgasm would be like. Orgasms in my head feel more like fantasy material than a memory.

Thank you for the question :)

[scarecoen]

Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

[littlejowo]

So I've made an AU. I'm on mobile, so I can't make a read-more, so I hope you like text walls! Forgive thr goofy sketches, though; this AU gets pretty angsty.

I've been referring to this as the Rogue AU, but it could also be referred to as a Future AU. It's mostly Donnie-centric, but I'll also explain the changes the others went through.

The premise of the whole thing is that Donnie gets kidnapped by Baron Draxum for his brains. Draxum wanted to force him to create various weapons, gadgets, and other such things. Obviously, the other turtles came to save Donnie.

What nobody expected, however, was for Donnie to go rogue and become a traitor.

He managed to break free of his binds, but instead of escaping with his brothers, he helped Draxum to drive them away.

For the next three years, Donnie worked with Draxum to turn as many humans as possible into mutants. He also made traps and weapons, and improved upon his battle shells. With Draxum's youkai tech, he was able to make and do things far beyond what he ever could with scraps and junkyard findings.

Donnie's reasons for helping were that he was tired of feeling unappreciated for his work, and like his brothers only cared about him when he made something he thought of as trivial or useless. He also felt that Splinter's love for him was conditional, whereas Draxum seemed to show genuine appreciation and adoration for Donnie.

Whenever his brothers came and tried to confront him about it, Donnie would tell a half-lie and say that he WANTED the world to be mutated, so that nobody would have to hide anymore. He played up his mad-scientist persona to the max, making it seem as if he cared more about the science behind the process than how it would affect people. The hurt he felt when his brothers believed it drove him even further into Draxum's clutches.

After three years, however, there was an accident.

Donnie grew tired of needing to wear battle shells. He wanted his real shell to be hard enough to protect him. So, he decided to take after Draxum and dabble in genetic modification.

He was not very good at it.

His shell remained soft. However, he grew much taller, until he was almost 8 feet tall. He managed to grow some thin facial hair, which he secretly loves. He also became physically stronger (even if not by very much), he became far faster than before, and his senses dulled slightly. Despite these changes that he admittedly liked most of, even if none of them were the intended effects, he ended up regretting it severely.

The next time he had to go into battle against his brothers, he found that there was one other side effect, and it was the most serious of all: When his heart rate went above a certain level, his form woulf change into what would later become known as his "hulk" form.

Depending on why his heart rate increased, this form would change slightly. In anger, he would become large and monstrous. In fear, he would become slimmer and more stealthy. In fluster, he would become more turtle-like and evasive.

During this first change, however, he lost control. He would become angry and deadly, and the realization that he wasn't himself led him to become the more fearful creature, and so on. His emotions ran wild, and his form became an amalgamation of all the creatures who's DNA he used to modify his own genes.

The battle had ended when Draxum foolishly tried to get Donnie under his control. Baron Draxum ended up severely injured, and Donnie took the chance and ran away from everything.

For the next year, Donnie lived in solitude, spending his time trying to undo what he'd done to himself. When he realized that he could not, he came up with various ways to keep his "hulk" forms in check. He never fully mastered it, but he did get to a point where he could mostly keep it under wraps.

In the meantime, the other turtles searched for him tirelessly, never giving up. By the time they found him (4 years after his initial kidnapping), they had also managed to finally take down Draxum. The ooze-squitos were still loose, and they had other enemies to fight, but the Evil League of Mutants was disbanded.

After these 4 years, Donnie was found and finally brought home. He didn't make it easy for them, but once the turtles convinced him to come home, he was glad to know that his brothers truly cared for him all this time, and that they loved him. And he realized just how much he loved them, too.

The next year was spent with everyone trying to figure out their new dynamic, and how to get around all the changes that had gone by in the last 5 years.

Donnie became more open and affectionate, and much louder. He's still the master of sarcasm and sass, but he evens it out with sudden declarations of adoration for his family, random hugs, meaningful gifts, and obnoxious games and sports competitions.

Around 2 years after Donnie's initial kidnapping, Leo took over as the team leader. He earned his place there by proving his worth in giving up his mystic weapon.

Initially, this was not a choice. When he had just turned 16, he tried to make a TikTok video to celebrate his birthday. It went wrong, however, and he ended up losing his right arm. Raph and Mikey tried to cauterize the wound, but did very poorly and left him with severe burns that ended up scarring permanently.

His odachi was nearly impossible to use with one hand, so he had to give it up and replace it with dual swords (like before) one of which he wielded with his mouth. He has some scarring around the corners of his lips from getting cut so often when he was still learning how to master his new weapons.

Leo quickly became fairly these weapons, and was a fearsome fighter. When Raph saw the progress he was making, and the potential he had to be something greater, he willingly gave up his title as leader and gave it to Leo.

After that, Raph started to have issues with his feelings of self-worth. He couldn't figure out his new role in the team now that he wasn't the leader. He refused to talk about them, because he didn't want Leo to think he didn't deserve to be leader. So Raph bottled up his emotions and festered.

He's still the lovable teddybear we've grown to love from Rise, but he became very angry over the next year, and he began to lash out. However, when he saw how this was hurting his brothers, both emotionally and physically, he found a different outlet. And in that, he decided on his role for the team.

He designated himself as their shield. He took the hits, and dished them out twice as hard. His strength was soon unparalleled, and he struck fear into any opponent they encountered.

After the rise of Shredder (nearly 3 years after Donnie's kidnapping), however, Raph sustained severe injuries from their first battle. This resulted in many scars all over his body, a cracked shell and plastron, broken-off spikes, and the near-loss of his right eye, which lost about 80% of its vision.

He still struggles with his anger, even after all of this, but Raph has also become much more self-aware, as well as aware of his team at all times. He's gotten very good at reading others, and has decided to learn how to work with first-aid in the hopes of also becoming the team's medic.

Mikey developed an unnamed illness when he was 17 (4 years after Donnie's kidnapping, and just a few months before bringing him home). This illness attacked his eyes.

It started with a gradual loss in vision. Things were blurry, and eventually light began to look like smears and streakes. Colors began to dull.

Then began the headaches. It started in his temples, but would eventually come to settle in his eyes, and after another month or so, it started to feel like needles prodding around his pupils.

Nobody in the family knew what to do for him aside from medication, which did not work. No doctors were able to figure out what the problem was, and all they could do was perscribe pain meds. By the 3-month mark, Mikey had become completely blind.

About 6 months into the development of this illness, which was two months after Donnie came home, Mikey's eyes began to physically deteriorate. They were essentially rotting. It was incredibly painful, to the point where he eventually begged Donnie to remove them.

Mikey still sometimes feels some pain from this illness, but after the removal of his eyes, the affected areas had stopped spreading, and he was deemed clear of thr illness itself. However, he is very prone to other illnesses and infections, and spends much of his time in bed.

Despite these hardships, Mikey is still an incredibly valuable member of the team. While his vision is long-gone, his other senses have raised exponentially, to the point where one could forget that he can no longer see. He often uses his mystic weapon as a "service dog" of sports, and it has essentially become his new eyes. He's now a master of stealth, and prides himself in his ability to catch any enemy off guard.

I still need to figure out how the other characters fit into this AU, haha.

So, there's the basic idea behind the Rogue/Post-Rogue AU. In the current events, Mikey is 18, Donnie and Leo are 19, and Raph is 20.

If there's anything else you'd like to know about this AU, I'd be more than happy to answer any questions!

[tottymatsuno]

Since I'm not as over it as I initially thought I was another aspect of this is once you really get down to it, at least from my personal experience with this concept is that when people are honest when they don't reblog/compliment your posts but are camped out in your notes or reblog your friends posts from you.

Is that often the reason why is exactly what I feared. I had multiple people tell me straight up they thought my art was ugly. I had people tell me while they found my comics funny, that I needed to go back and learn the basics such as how to draw a circle. I had people who told me my art isn't aesthetically pleasing, or it embarrasses them to reblog until other people did it first.

These same people who then begged me to continue to post so they can access the art & writing they deemed unworthy. The person who told me I needed to learn how to draw circles also suggested that I spent my time tracing bases from clip studio, and went on to tell me to never stop creating. In their tags on one of my fics they said "give it a chance, it's not that bad!"

I'm disabled. I have 75% grip strength in my right hand, 90% in my left, some days it's better, some months it's worse. I write a lot because it's easier. I have a heart condition that mimicks rheumatoid arthritis in my joints that I've got to physical therapy over.

Not that it effects much of anything, but I stopped posting serious art specifically because I'd been told "it's much harder for fic writers to get seen, fan artists have it better" and it shattered my heart bc there were pieces I uploaded, that weren't self insert, that I spent hours on and only for 3 likes.

What does get reblogged are my low effort jokes. And then people had no idea I actually have a serious art style, which then became a "Well, Robin can't draw so it's okay to talk to him like that if I frame it 'nicely'. He'll respond kindly to my critiques."

I get incredibly anxious posting my art that I worked hard on specifically because of these things so I don't do it often. I try not to post things close to my heart online anymore specifically because of how I was treated, both directly and indirectly.

I have friends I trust now, and friends that I really care about but even with them I don't really post often in a group setting because of how sensitive I am to what I perceive as rejection.

Ik my art isn't the best, I know my doodles aren't that great, but I don't think my story is unique. I think the way that fandoms treat the artists who prop them up has changed a lot. I think people have become consumers and don't particularly care that there are real human beings with real circumstances which extend beyond their usernames on their screen

So its become easier to chew them up and spit them out - there will be 10 more in their place by tomorrow.

I went through the tags of that other post I reblogged and the universal answer was "if I like something it's just fine, if I reblog it then it's worth putting on my blog" which is another direct confirmation of the very thing I was paranoid of.

I also saw several "if you get your motivation tied up in the likes/reblog game then you're wrong" and advice on how reblogs are.... Advertisement? Or promotion? And not just how content is spread across the platform? Which was strange because literally if everyone only posted and liked, there would be no tumblr.

That isn't how people frame the likes and reblogs. When I reblog a post about Osomatsu’s long tits I'm not giving the op advertisement on Oso's saggy boobs? It's not like I'm promoting long cup bras 😭

Anyways, the entitlement of having new content to consume, and then not providing your half of the bargain in the way the OP would like - its at odds.

When i realized, and have been proven correct in the assumption that when a post is exclusively liked that means it isn't good enough to be reblogged

I didn't stop creating. I didn't stop writing or drawing, or really anything. There is a huge archive of things I've made that I just don't have the energy to post for 3 notes. Idk if yall ever tried to upload fics onto tumblr but it's not easy. The formsting and tumbles half baked 3 text post editors that don't accomplish anything on their own was a hassle and took forever.

I write for my friends, and I write for myself. Writing for myself was the big advice I'd been given, not to tie up my self worth with it, that I didn't need or shouldn't need the validation that came from comments & reblogs and that 4 notes was a fair exchange for four hours of effort.

But I always write & draw for myself. I just don't post it anymore. I remember people were begging me not to stop making things when the truth was they were begging me to POST what I'd been making. It felt very much like I was being a treated like a content mill instead of a person who they could be friends with. So now I have several friends I exchange/do trades for or just show my stuff too! it's pretty easy to become my friend and with just a little encouragement I'd share any and all of my works, but I upload what I don't care about or I upload stuff for my friends.

Anyways the post really reminded me that artists were correct in the assumption likes meant it wasn't good enough. Yall said so yourselves

[jackednephi]

I usually try to keep my drama to myself but I just can't right now

My mother abused me as a kid and and it messed me up so bad, I have PTSD, 3 different personality disorders, and at one point a cousin of DID wherein I worked to reintegrate all the pieces of myself back into one whole me. Like I also had a traumatic life (my older brother abused me, I was sexually assaulted a few times, etc) so it wasn't all her fault or anything but the personality disorders definitely were

I set parameters for an adult relationship. She had to keep making progress. Then I found out she'd hidden my nephew's suicide attempt from me. The kid was 8 years old at the time. I was like that's not acceptable behavior and wouldn't talk to her for two months over the whole thing. She apologized and I said that she would get one final chance but that chance hinged on her not hiding heavy stuff like that from me ever again

Well, I found out from my little brother this same nephew was diagnosed with SZPD (schizoid personality disorder) and is currently in a psychiatric care facility and he's only 14. I deeply suspect they've misdiagnosed PTSD and other mental and emotional issues tbh. They insist his belief that people are "out to get him" is a delusion indicative of schizophrenia when like 1 that shit doesn't run in our family 2 his whole life experience of being horrifically abused has told him otherwise and 3 he's literally 14 for crying out loud. There are other details but you get the gist

And not only did my mother hide this from me which was against our agreement, she lied about it. When I asked about the suicide attempt, she told me it had "been handled" and at the time I had no choice but to believe her because I was dealing with a miscarriage, disability, and undergrad at the time. I didn't have spoons to question it. She kept telling me my nephew was fine and that things were good. She straight up lied to me

So I left a mile long string of messages in her Skype basically reading her the riot act. We're going to pay back every red cent ever borrowed but that's it. I can't trust her. She broke the conditions because guess what! Abusers never change! They just cover for other abusers and do whatever it takes to look good to others! That's all they care about!

I don't care that rent has been tight because of the virus! If I'm short, I'll turn to tumblr begging and sex work! I will literally sell my body on the street before I ever turn to her ever again! She broke her word and this was the very final chance she got!

I'm so upset I can't sleep. Like I feel so betrayed! She covered it up and now I'm going to have to harass CPS and try to find some way to get my nephews away from their abusive father. I'm in the middle of trying to adopt Alex and getting all those legalities ironed out. But here I am honking my clown nose having to get this sorted and handled

Like so far as I'm concerned my only biological parent is my father. This woman is dead to me. She broke my trust, kept a little boy in an abusive home, and covered it all up and expected it to go well because she's Donna fucking Jackson all high on her own ego and shit

I woke up on Saturday expecting to have a nice time with my friend on his birthday, to have made it to one November where something didn't fucking happen and now I'm going to bed Monday morning without a mother

I hate this

I hate that I'm sealed to her and to my brother but not my spouses or my daughter or as siblings to my daughter's birthgiver. I don't want to be with them forever. I don't want to face eternity with two of my abusers who have lied to me and broken my trust. I want those sealings broken! I don't want people like that attached to me! I want the people I've chosen as family instead!

I've been crying on and off about all this too. I don't know what it is about me that expects different of her every time but I have. I can't continue to let her hurt me like this. Alex deserves a mom who's emotionally available and present for her and not the mess I am now. I don't want her seeing our relationship and thinking that's normal when it's not!

But yeah that's what's going on with me lately. I'm a whole mess

I had to disown my mother tonight

How are things for everybody else 🙃