#The whole experience of posting online really ruined the fragile ego I have because while I obsess and adore compliments

[tottymatsuno]

Since I'm not as over it as I initially thought I was another aspect of this is once you really get down to it, at least from my personal experience with this concept is that when people are honest when they don't reblog/compliment your posts but are camped out in your notes or reblog your friends posts from you.

Is that often the reason why is exactly what I feared. I had multiple people tell me straight up they thought my art was ugly. I had people tell me while they found my comics funny, that I needed to go back and learn the basics such as how to draw a circle. I had people who told me my art isn't aesthetically pleasing, or it embarrasses them to reblog until other people did it first.

These same people who then begged me to continue to post so they can access the art & writing they deemed unworthy. The person who told me I needed to learn how to draw circles also suggested that I spent my time tracing bases from clip studio, and went on to tell me to never stop creating. In their tags on one of my fics they said "give it a chance, it's not that bad!"

I'm disabled. I have 75% grip strength in my right hand, 90% in my left, some days it's better, some months it's worse. I write a lot because it's easier. I have a heart condition that mimicks rheumatoid arthritis in my joints that I've got to physical therapy over.

Not that it effects much of anything, but I stopped posting serious art specifically because I'd been told "it's much harder for fic writers to get seen, fan artists have it better" and it shattered my heart bc there were pieces I uploaded, that weren't self insert, that I spent hours on and only for 3 likes.

What does get reblogged are my low effort jokes. And then people had no idea I actually have a serious art style, which then became a "Well, Robin can't draw so it's okay to talk to him like that if I frame it 'nicely'. He'll respond kindly to my critiques."

I get incredibly anxious posting my art that I worked hard on specifically because of these things so I don't do it often. I try not to post things close to my heart online anymore specifically because of how I was treated, both directly and indirectly.

I have friends I trust now, and friends that I really care about but even with them I don't really post often in a group setting because of how sensitive I am to what I perceive as rejection.

Ik my art isn't the best, I know my doodles aren't that great, but I don't think my story is unique. I think the way that fandoms treat the artists who prop them up has changed a lot. I think people have become consumers and don't particularly care that there are real human beings with real circumstances which extend beyond their usernames on their screen

So its become easier to chew them up and spit them out - there will be 10 more in their place by tomorrow.

I went through the tags of that other post I reblogged and the universal answer was "if I like something it's just fine, if I reblog it then it's worth putting on my blog" which is another direct confirmation of the very thing I was paranoid of.

I also saw several "if you get your motivation tied up in the likes/reblog game then you're wrong" and advice on how reblogs are.... Advertisement? Or promotion? And not just how content is spread across the platform? Which was strange because literally if everyone only posted and liked, there would be no tumblr.

That isn't how people frame the likes and reblogs. When I reblog a post about Osomatsu’s long tits I'm not giving the op advertisement on Oso's saggy boobs? It's not like I'm promoting long cup bras 😭

Anyways, the entitlement of having new content to consume, and then not providing your half of the bargain in the way the OP would like - its at odds.

When i realized, and have been proven correct in the assumption that when a post is exclusively liked that means it isn't good enough to be reblogged

I didn't stop creating. I didn't stop writing or drawing, or really anything. There is a huge archive of things I've made that I just don't have the energy to post for 3 notes. Idk if yall ever tried to upload fics onto tumblr but it's not easy. The formsting and tumbles half baked 3 text post editors that don't accomplish anything on their own was a hassle and took forever.

I write for my friends, and I write for myself. Writing for myself was the big advice I'd been given, not to tie up my self worth with it, that I didn't need or shouldn't need the validation that came from comments & reblogs and that 4 notes was a fair exchange for four hours of effort.

But I always write & draw for myself. I just don't post it anymore. I remember people were begging me not to stop making things when the truth was they were begging me to POST what I'd been making. It felt very much like I was being a treated like a content mill instead of a person who they could be friends with. So now I have several friends I exchange/do trades for or just show my stuff too! it's pretty easy to become my friend and with just a little encouragement I'd share any and all of my works, but I upload what I don't care about or I upload stuff for my friends.

Anyways the post really reminded me that artists were correct in the assumption likes meant it wasn't good enough. Yall said so yourselves