#and i'm very hard on myself but i held onto that somehow ;___;

[septembersghost]

Hi, Jess! Just wanted to say your voice is ABSOLUTELY beautiful and breathtaking, wow! May I ask, do you have vocal music education or is it self-taught? You sound like a professional singer amd the way you're using and working with your voice is so impressive! Your voice is mesmerizing and unique and it also reminded me a little of Susanne Sundfør, who is one my abslute favorite female singers, and if you ever do a cover of Christine Dae's parts, I think you will nail it. I cried when I heard your cover of Safe and Sound, the words along with your singing leave such a sharp, evocative feeling, it's so comforting and painful at the same time, and I love this. "Don't you dare look out your window, darling, Everything's on fire. The war outside our door keeps raging on. Hold on to this lullaby, Even when the music's gone{...} Just close your eyes, You'll be alright. Come, morning light, You and I'll be safe and sound" I'm truly shaken. It hits close to home and it's such a masterpiece of a song. I'll listen to Taylor Swift version as well, but you singing it absolutely blew me away! Thank you for sharing this with me and making me feel all of this. And thank you for you being you. Hugging you❤️

ELLIE 🥺😭🥺😭💖💞💖💞 this is immensely kind of you and the sweetest thing, thank you so much.

my music education is admittedly limited to being in choir throughout school, music theory 101, and some very limited voice lessons (we couldn't afford them independently when i was a kid, but when i started college they were offered/covered by my scholarship, so i had them for a little while. it was something i'd planned to pursue further though!), otherwise it's self-teaching and just the hobby of singing recreationally all the time since i was little. i know i could've benefited from more real training. my favorite dream was always musical theatre (then there was my dad, who wanted me to be a country singer 😂), but even if i hadn't ended up as a performer at all, i still wanted to do something with music as a part of it, like education, or music therapy. being separated from that due to the constraints of illness was one of my deepest heartbreaks, so when i (a decade ago?! HOW) started singing for fun in my little lq voice memos on tumblr, it was so consoling and made me feel closer to that again.

Your voice is mesmerizing and unique and it also reminded me a little of Susanne Sundfør ohhhh i will have to look her up! that's an honor to remind you of a singer you love.

the way you phrased this is SO lovely, and that's how i feel when i listen to safe and sound. it's so comforting and painful at the same time exactly, it's that mix of heavy sorrow and unbreakable hope. it's such a beautiful song. recording that with my friend hannah was one of my favorite things, i remember hearing her vocals and feeling the tug of that melody in my chest. and of course i always recommend checking out taylor's originals of any song, but i'm very grateful and touched that hearing my rendition of it moved you like this. 🥰

thank YOU for your thoughtfulness and for making me feel heard and encouraged, and for being who you are too, ily so much. *HUGS YOU CLOSE* 💕🎵💕🎵

[ectoentity]

Ectoplasm Gives You Wings 0.?

Hey here's a scene that happened long before Danny showed up have fun

Here is the subscription post

Need to know concept:

When you're in a world where wings are associated with ghosts, you're gonna assume that coming back from the dead with wings means you have some unfinished business. Harley Quinn POV.

Ever since Joker died, Harley expected his killer would come after her. She hadn't been with him for a couple years, but that hardly made up for the shit she'd done while they were together. Really the only surprise was that they hadn’t killed her first as a warning to him.

So when she walked into her apartment kitchen to see a guy with huge wings wearing a red helmet, Harley wasn’t terribly surprised. Not about the break-in or the gun pointed at her, at least.

"How'd'ya manage to fit those things in here?" she asked. The guy didn't answer. The wings flexed like he wanted to open them, but there wasn't any room.

"Harley," the Red Hood said, sounding very intimidating with some kind of voice modulation. "You know why I’m here."

"I can make a guess, big guy," Harley said sadly. "Nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"You let it happen. You helped him. Why should you escape justice?"

"I did my time for most of it. And I spent the last couple a years trying to put him in the ground. That doesn't fit into your equation somehow?" She tried edging slowly to a shelf where she had a gun of her own. Red Hood noticed. He stepped forward and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt.

"Did any of that bring back the innocent people you killed? The children you tortured?"

"Woah, woah, woah, time out. I never did anything like that to kids." Harley held her hands up in a T shape above Red Hood's fist. "I did some awful stuff I ain't proud of, but I never tortured kids."

"You didn't seem to care that he did."

Harley sighed and lowered her hands onto Red Hood's arm and tried to look into the eyes of his weird helmet. "What do you expect to happen here? You want me to beg until you feel satisfied? Sorry, buddy. Not really my style! I don't like a lotta what I did back then, but I can't fix it. I'm trying better now. If that's not good enough for ya, that's too bad."

The Red Hood didn't move for a moment. It was kind of creepy, if Harley was honest. He didn't say anything, he didn't twitch. Was the guy even breathing? It was always hard to talk to someone in a full face mask. There was no way to tell whether they were even listening. Contrary to popular belief, Harley didn't talk just to hear her own voice! Not often, at least.

The hand let go of her shirt. Harley pulled back to regain her balance, but she didn't relax just yet. There was still a big murderous birdman with a gun in her apartment. Even if he wasn't about to shoot her just now, he was still dangerous.

"Fucking hell," the guy said. He seemed to stagger backwards until one of his wings clipped the half-wall separating the kitchen from the living room. Then he leaned against the pillar heavily.

"Shit. You're right. This is pointless. Why am I here?"

Harley took her chance to grab her gun just in case, but Red Hood didn't seem to notice. She stared at him with suspicious, narrowed eyes. "Do you mean here in my apartment, or are you really having an existential crisis right now?"

"I'm not having a- Fuck. I guess I am." He held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Harls."

Well, that was an unusual nickname. It wasn't something she heard much outside of kids from the Bowery or Narrows. Most other kids in Gotham got swept up by their parents before they could talk to her.

"You lose somebody?" she asked softly, gun tucked in her pocket. "Sibling? A kid?"

Red Hood choked out a bitter laugh. "Myself." When Harley's eyebrows did a wild semaphore of emotion, the asshole deigned to explain. "He killed me. I... I came back. Figured, y'know, I must've been brought back for a reason, right?" He sunk down further against the pillar, the white tips of his mostly-black wings spreading across the floor like the fabric of a cape.

Damn, Harley thought. That made a fucked up amount of sense. "I can't really blame you for thinking that," she admitted. "The feathers a new fashion choice then?"

"You could say that. Shit." Red Hood reached up to the bottom of his helmet and depressed some trigger there. Harley heard a hiss of pressurization before it popped off the guy's head. The first thing she saw was black hair. That wasn't surprising. The surprising thing was when he leaned his head back against the pillar, revealing a young face and a shock of white hair in his bangs. Then he opened his eyes, and they were as blue as the sky.

"Hey kid? What did you say your name was?"

He took a devastatingly long time to respond.

"They called me Robin, once."

[thebelugawhalefriend]

Connection: Kris x Reader

CW: Y/N insert, Gender Neutral reader, Slow burn (?)

Part Two

Please Note: This will be a spin off starting from Chapter 2's ending! While new tidbits from future chapters will affect new aspects, this will be a fanfiction based on my own thoughts and story direction. Please take this as an "alternate universe/ending" piece rather than pure canon material. Thank you!

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Connection [TERMINATED]

All I can feel are my muffled breaths as I struggle between couch cushions.

"Kris... Stop struggling! I'm trying to sleep!" A black boot shoves my face further into the coarse fabric prison I'm in. "Wait a minute- That's not Kris' kickable face!"

Just as suddenly as I had woken up in peril, a tight grip on my head pulled me from the cushions. Yellow eyes peer through me in suspicion.

"Just who the HELL are you?!"

"Wait- I can-!"

"Why am I waking up in the Dark world, huh?!"

"Just listen!"

"AND WHERE THE HELL IS KRIS?!"

...

"...Susie?"

A soft yet familiar voice interrupts the barrage of demanding questions before I can even process what's going on. The pause gives me just a moment to look around to what just might be happening. My head? Currently being held by Susie, an armor clad purple monster whose bite would most likely end me. My surroundings? None like I've seen in the game before. Card castle isn't anywhere near that I can see... And yet the friendly green dressed goat, Ralsei, is here to greet us.

"Just who is that you're holding...?" Ralsei tilts his head.

"I don't know WHO they are, but they better explain why we're here..."

"Maybe instead of gripping them like that, you could let them down? Maybe they'll tell us on their own!"

It takes Susie a long moment to get used to this idea. A few glances shared between Ralsei and myself too. But, it isn't long until she releases her claws and lets me back down onto the couch. "Fine, but they have FIVE seconds to explain themselves..."

I stand right up from the couch and dust myself off, shivering and shaking from the encounter. Unlike the others, I'm still in the plain clothing I typically wear. It WOULD feel unfair if it weren't for the fact that... Well, where am I? More importantly- HOW am I? How could this happen?

"I'm (Y/N), but... You've known me as Kris for the past few days-"

"YOU'RE KRIS?!" Susie sounds exasperated, but a nudge from Ralsei quiets her down.

"Kind of? It's hard to explain but I've kind of... Been like a guide for Kris. Telling them what to do to stay on the right path. Their Soul, if you will. I know you two very well... But, Kris... They pulled me right out of their own chest and stuffed me into the couch cushions! I don't know how, I don't even know why, but all I know is that I'm somehow here...?"

"...And you expect us to believe that?" Susie raises an eyebrow.

"I know it sounds ridiculous! I don't even believe that I'm here! Shit, I'm still dressed in what I wore yesterday and I'm not even FROM your worlds!"

While Susie was giving me the most menacing glare, Ralsei was scratching his chin in thought. "It does make some sense... I don't see anything that would make you a lightener, but you can't be a darkener either. Though, can you remember how you got here?"

"No... All I know is that after finishing this chapter, I-"

"Chapter? CHAPTER?!" Susie interrupts again, yet Ralsei doesn't stop her this time

"Look, I don't think I have time to explain all of this! We have to find Kris- If they pulled me into this mess, they're going to get me right back out of it!"

While the tall purple monster was hesitant to agree, she crossed her arms and nodded, "We will have to find them, regardless of you. I doubt you're telling the truth..."

Ralsei stops her thoughts, "But! (Y/N) very much could be! And if they are Kris' SOUL, we need to find them and fast. Who knows what could happen to Kris if them and (Y/N) are separate too long...

[artistic-argonian]

TL,DR: Being autistic and overwhelmed by touch sometimes and wanting it other times is weird. Throw sensual attraction in the mix and it becomes even weirder and I'm still processing it all.

Long explanation below the cut.

Realising more and more every day how strange and contradictory it is to be an autistic person who doesn't like being touched by strangers or just randomly without warning or permission (even by family), but also really enjoys and somewhat craves close physical contact with people.

To an extent it makes sense, like I wouldn't want a complete stranger or someone I don't know very well to just hug me, but even with people I'm close with I internally freak out if I'm approached from behind, for example. I sit with my back to the wall most of the time in restaurants after an incident with family members and friends constantly touching my hair as they walked past years ago that made me very uncomfortable. Touch can be overstimulating for me in situations where I'm suffering from sensory issues. But other times it's really soothing for some reason, like when I'm upset or feeling low, I love the warmth and sensation of being held tightly. Or on the rare occasion someone's either put cream onto or just scratched my back for me (I have to have medicated lotion put on my back where I can't easily reach by myself) I love it and don't want it to stop.

Somehow I'm simultaneously the "don't touch me or I'll freak out" and "please crush my soul into my body" kind of autism depending on my mood and the situation, as well as the person/people. I don't really get physically close with people outside of my family, mainly because I don't feel I'm emotionally close enough to/it'd just be plain awkward with anyone I know IRL, or the people I am close enough with to feel comfortable are all online and live very far away from me.

Realising I have this desire is so weird because I used to think I was just "no touchie" with everybody, but it turns out there are people I like being close like that with. There are people I want to hug hard when I get the chance to meet them and I want to be held by (especially with realising I can experience what I believe to be sensual attraction, which makes that desire even stronger with certain people). And that opens a whole new issue of potential awkwardness; not wanting to seem like some kind of weirdo or creep because while saying "Hey if we ever meet IRL I'm gonna hug you" is fairly normal and something I've said to most of my online friends, I worry it'd be weird for me to be like, "Hey if we ever meet IRL, I not only want to hug you, but I want to cuddle and embrace you. I want to hold you close and feel your warmth around me and be physically affectionate in a casual, platonic, yet intimate way. But only with explicit permission/consent because I know a lot of people probably view that sort of thing as strictly romantic or even sexual and I really don't want to make things weird between us."

Like I'm still struggling with the thought/feeling of wanting that, not knowing if it'll ever happen (because distance), and being afraid of it being too weird for the other person if the chance ever did arise so just not doing it or bringing it up anyway. I feel like this post already makes me look a bit unhinged in that regard so I'll leave it there. A long, kinda aimless rant, but there you go.

[luminecho]

An acquaintance once stopped me on my way to class.

"Are you happy?" he asked me.

"What, just like, in general?" I said, confused.

"Yeah, just in general."

And it's not exactly the sort of existential question you're expecting to have dropped on you at 11 am on a Wednesday. And it was actually my birthday that day, but he didn't know that and it didn't feel super relevant so I didn't mention it. But the question itself made me stop and think after.

Because it's this question that gets asked of us so often in life. Are you happy with where you are now? Do you think you'll be happy in the future? You were so happy when you were a kid. What changed?

And I think when you start to get into adolescence and adulthood, it becomes expected of you to not be happy. Because that's the sort of society we live in today. It's so damn hard to be happy. And it shouldn't be. But it is. Happiness is like this fleeting thing way off on the horizon that people constantly grasp for, and we all do things in desperation to finally reach it, and maybe it works for some and maybe it doesn't for others.

I don't know if the typical college student is happy or not. But I do know that I don't really consider myself the typical anything, and one thing I pride myself a lot in is that I have a very strong understanding of exactly who I am and where I am in life. I'm at a school that I like taking classes that I enjoy. I have a bunch of friends who I love, and maybe they're all online and far away from me but that's okay. I have a bunch of hobbies that I love doing and a bunch of interests that I share with others and each day they bring me a little bit of enjoyment.

So, in that moment, I didn't even really need to think before replying.

"I am," I said with a smile.

And my acquaintance turned to the friend beside him.

"See?" he said, "I told you!"

I chuckled to myself and walked away.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Because like... what were they talking about? The scenario I found myself crafting in my head was one where this friend of his was saying that most people these days aren't happy. And maybe they're right. But that doesn't mean no one is happy. And that doesn't mean you can't find happiness. It's out there. It's out there in the little things. In the smiles of strangers and in the soundless laughter of text conversations, in music and poetry and art and the hot lights of a stage. It's in butterflies landing on flowers just beside you, and taking the time to stop and admire it for several minutes even though you know you're missing your bus because somehow the butterfly is just so much more important.

And I think my favorite part is that not only did I get to prove to a stranger that day that happiness exists, but I also got to prove it to myself, both in the past and in the future.

Because what if I had been asked that question a few years ago? In the middle of a pandemic, stuck at home attending high school in front of a computer, feeling like I'm drowning because I don't have the motivation to do my work and the one hobby I've held onto so dearly, drawing, feels like it's slipping through my grasp and I just can't enjoy it anymore and it's this real grief that's weighing me down. Telling my therapist that I wasn't sure who I was yet because I felt like this walking contradiction who longed for things I was too afraid to act on. Would I have said I was happy, then? I don't know.

And what about in the future? When any number of possibilities could happen. Will I say that I'm happy, or will I be stuck in a rut and not know the answer?

I didn't have a good birthday. Some days I'm stressed more than others. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, sometimes I feel like the world is caving in on me.

But the question wasn't, "Are you happy right now?" It wasn't a "How are you doing today?" or a "How's your morning?"

The question was, "Are you happy?"

"In general?"

"Yeah. In general."

And even if today is hard, tomorrow may be better. And if tomorrow is hard too, then you have countless weeks ahead of you that will look different and brighter than they did before.

I'm happy. I'm not happy every second of every day, because no one is. But that's not what "general" happiness looks like. General happiness is just... being satisfied with where you are now. Being comfortable in the new and unfamiliar experiences you're sitting in. And being comfortable with knowing it's all going to change soon.

Happiness is real. And if you don't have it now, then it's still out there, waiting with open hands.

And I just think that's neat.

[lizard-shifter-noms]

Still Subject to Change Chapter 22 (NEW)

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Hello everyone! i decided to repost arc 1 of SSTC

(the chapters were way too long and had a bunch of typos but hopefully this will make reading easier)

this Story contains Vore, Dont like dont read.

if there are still any grammatical errors i’m sorry.

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He really was feeling guilty about stabbing me, That was strangely relieving to know.

But I couldn’t blame him, he thought he was going to die.

“Im fine, just saw a dead mutilated body and my pouch hurts from my body attempting to get rid of its own guts”

I tried bringing some humor into the conversation but I felt like that failed.

From the look Rikaad gave me that definitely failed, I probably wouldn’t attempt humor again anytime soon.

At least that made two of us who had a skewed sense of humor.

“Maybe we can find something you can use as a painkiller back at the castle? Or we should probably ask Oakley, he knows more about Ardua than we do so he might be able to help”

I nodded at him, something to make the horribly itchy ache go away would be great, and Oakley, well he was the one that read about Ardua so he’d probably know what to use to make the itching stop.

I’d ask him later as for now it wasn’t that bad, just annoying.

Also maybe I should offer help in transporting Nea back to the castle, while she wasn’t okay with being carried she might not mind if I offered to let her sit on my shoulders.

Or maybe she would also hit me with her helmet if I suggested that, fifty fifty chance, but I’d still rather not be hit with a solid metal object.

I wouldn’t know until I asked though, so I went over to the angry woman that currently tried to use a really long stone brick as a crutch.

Even I could tell that that wouldn’t work, but she looked really determined.

“Nea? I don’t think you can walk on that foot, maybe i could help?”

“I don’t need help, i need an usable crutch, i'm not going ta be carried like some stupid helpless maiden!”

Well technically it wasn’t carrying, more like a piggyback ride but i would not say that out loud.

“That is not what i meant, i don’t have thumbs right now anyway, I wanted to offer that you could just sit on my back?”

She looked a bit confused at that but then seemed to remember that Robin had already done that, Arthur too.

“Fine! If ya wanna play horse i’m all for it, maybe those idiots will stop fussin when i don’t walk myself”

She grumbled and using the stone as an anchor slowly stood up.

I could see some of the guards slump over a bit, clearly in relief and I went over to Nea who had managed to climb a broken wall with one leg.

I bent down so she had an easier time climbing on and she just jumped using her good leg up onto my back.

While I stood back up she made herself comfortable by sitting like a man on horseback.

Right, she said she used to be a farmhand so surely she had sat on a horse before, she even grabbed some of my scruff like it was reigns.

I started to feel like this was a bad idea, I didn’t know her very well and she was in the prime position to stab my spine at the base of my neck.

But somehow I doubted she would do that, tugging at my fur however…

“Let us all go then! I can’t wait tha get home and toss tha stupid snow gear in tha closet!”

She softly yanked at one of the handfuls of fur she held like she wanted to steer a horse.

This was gonna be really stupid, at least for me.

But on the bright side the tugging actually distracted me from my aching pouch so I let her.

If she did yank too hard I would just tell her.

The thing that worried me was that her injured foot still felt cold even against my thick fur, and with the way it looked I really hoped she wouldn’t have to amputate it.

I didn’t want to paint the devil on the wall with such thoughts but it was a valid concern, none of these people knew what to do when dealing with magic as today had shown.

The only one with any knowledge on such things was Oakley and I hoped he’d be willing to help.

Since all of the Guards were now ready to move we could finally go.

Now that all the snow was gone I had thought we would have an easier time traversing the ground but as it turned out everything was mud now.

It clung to my legs and I accidentally dipped my tail into a puddle, making a lot of wet dirt cling to the fluff at the tip.

Somehow this was even worse than the snow but at least I wasn’t the only one that would have to scrub all of this muck off.

Rounding the corner of another broken wall I had to stop dead in my tracks as a human shape with red hair barreled into my leg.

“You fixed it! It’s not cold anymore! What even was it?”

Now i was more glad than ever that i had told him to hide, I didn’t think he would have had an easy time handling that.

Now I had to come up with what to tell him what even happened while leaving out the gorier details.

I myself had not really a clue what was going on most of the time so-

My thoughts were interrupted by Nea, loudly proclaiming.

“There was some ugly guy with a magic staff but we kicked him and took his staff, so no more ice magic fer that idiot “

Well, that was one way to explain it, and it seemed Robin only noticed someone else was on my back as she spoke and looked a bit surprised.

And now Arthur finally showed up from behind a fallen boulder, panting a bit, looking at me then at Robin before doing a double take back at me.

“Why’s Nea on your back? Nevermind, i’m just glad the snow is gone”

“We all are, though now everything is full of mud and that’s going to be a nightmare to get out of fur”

I got a laugh out of Arthur for that comment.

“Yeah it think you have it the worst, but at least it fits the green colors”

I had to smile at this, yes the mud was stupid but that would go away, My friends wouldn’t go away though.

Maybe I should offer to take them back also?

Not like they could put much more of all this muck on me.

And looking around, i could see that all of the people involved would need a bath, though i couldn’t see Oakley, he was probably flying ahead or something.

Lucky fucker avoiding all of the dirt like that.

Rikaad who was on the front of the convoy with Norrin again somehow managed to only have some mud on his shoes and pants.

Norrin however looked like he’d been thrown into a puddle of it, and he also was back to looking uncomfortably uptight.

Nervousness in front of a higher ranking indeed made him act a bit weird, poor guy.

I looked back to Robin and Arthur, Both of whom looked like they had tried to stay out of the muddy puddles by climbing the ruins around us.

“You guys want a ride also? Not like i can get that much more muddy anyway”

Robin enthusiastically nodded while Arthur shook his head.

Well that were two completely different reactions, Then I remembered that Arthur said he had motion sickness.

Made sense for him to avoid anything that would cause it, and it wasn’t like I could go much faster than the rest of the group anyway.

I’d still give Robin the ride though, he seemed to love not being so small for a bit.

So I bent down again, being mindful of Nea, and let him climb up once again.

He adjusted himself about three feet behind Nea and clung to my fur, Carefully holding on.

I was glad he wasn’t tugging at it like Nea did, but since Nea was injured I figured to let her have that, it didn’t really hurt after all and she wasn’t ripping it out so it was fine if a tiny bit annoying.

But not nearly as annoying as my itching pouch, I really should ask Oakley if he had anything to make it stop.

Well Oakley was who knew where right now, and I had the suspicion that he went and hid the staff like he said he would.

He’d come back soon enough. 

He did want to live in the tower with the Oaktree next to it after all, and then I could just go over to him and see if he had anything that could make the itching stop.

I hoped he had something to make the itching stop, this was annoying as fuck.

Well, first we had to make the trek back to the castle, and now it was the middle of the day, Fuck.

That made it a hundred times more likely for the townsfolk to see me.

If this ended with pitchforks in front of the castle I would have a real problem.

Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that, …right?

Well the only thing i could do was hope for the best.

The trek back down the hill was a logistical nightmare as everything had turned into one giant mudslide and nobody managed to get down without slipping.

At some point i decided fuck it, and laid on my front just sliding all the way down even if that made my entire underside completely soggy from the mud.

That would be hell to get off, not to mention that if it dried it would get uncomfortable and stick to me even more.

At least Robin thought sliding down was fun judging by his laughter.

I was also pretty sure that I heard Nea giggle a little too but I wasn’t sure.

I would never mention that to her though.

Looking back at everyone else I could see that Rikaad was the only one that somehow did not fall into the mud.

He must have a good sense of balance.

Looking at myself I could see that my entire underside and legs were dripping with mud.

Yeah, I definitely needed a bath later, maybe dip myself in the ocean before shifting to avoid dragging mud everywhere.

That would make the castle staff hate me for sure.

It took another five minutes for everyone to get down, most of which just slid down like me either on purpose or as an accident.

This did not look like the royal guard at the moment, more like a bunch of kids that had gotten outside after rain.

I would have liked to shake the mud off of me like a dog but with the two on my back that wasn’t a good idea, I’d fling them off.

Suddenly Nea yanked on my fur again, this time with both hands like she wanted to stop a horse.

I looked in her direction as well as I was able to, and the guards around us also noticed that I had stopped dead in my tracks.

“Wait a second, we can’t just waltz right through town with tha big guy here! Now that everyones awake there would be a panic!”

She was right, and now that she pointed it out I realized I should have said something about this sooner.

But being around so many people made me nervous, especially since they all had weapons.

Norrin looked between me and the way to Tunstead, before going over to Rikaad and quietly speaking with him.

It wasn’t long after that that both came over to us.

Robin waved down from my back at both of them earning little waves back in return.

Then Rikaad and Norrin turned to me, with Rikaad not talking long around the matter at hand.

“Nea is right in that aspect, having you walk through Tunsted in the middle of the day is going to cause chaos, maybe you should walk the longer route around? If not i’m sure someone else can help Nea get around so you can shift down”

I could practically feel Nea glaring at the prospect of being carried like an helpless damsel, but she couldn’t refuse the king after all.

Though-

“Wait, shift down? Ya tellin me this muddy furball can shapeshift???”

Well that was not how i wanted people to know, and I for sure would take the longer route now to avoid getting stared at by all the other guards.

Not to mention that I would be covered in mud even more if I shifted.

I really didn’t like mud anymore after so much of it.

“I think i’ll just go around, gives whoever medic you want to call for her foot plenty of time to prepare, and i don’t want to be stared at if i’m honest”

Both Rikaad and Norrin nodded before Norrin spoke.

“I think the fastest way would be to head northwest a bit until you see the treeline and then follow it until you get closer to the ocean, by then you should see the castle anyway, good luck”

He had pointed in the direction we needed to go while he talked, not that that was necessary as I could see the trees in the far off distance quite well, then again I had the height advantage here.

I nodded at them and Norrin went back to organize the rest of the division who in the meantime had tried to scrape some of the mud off using whatever they could find to do so.

Rikaad lingered a few more seconds with us though.

“Stay safe, since you are between the forest and the city there still might be either People or Monsters so keep an eye out”

After that he went back to the group next to Arthur who tried to wring out mud from his shirt unsuccessfully.

Since they would now go back through Tunstead I decided to ask if Robin wanted to go with them, since I would take the longer route around with Nea he might want to stick to the other two.

“Hey Robin? You wanna go with the other two?

The long way around might be a bit boring”

I could feel him lean to the side a bit and I turned my head accordingly so he could see at least one of my eyes.

“I think i’ll stick with you, i don’t really know what to do in the group anyway and they make me kinda nervous”

I nodded and turned to walk towards the trees.

Robin was right, the guards did have a tendency to make me nervous as well so I could perfectly understand what he meant.

“Then let’s go, who knows how much longer this will take”

I settled into a steady walking pace, but that pace was still at least twice as fast as that of a jogging human.

The four legs really were practical in that sense, I could walk very fast and having people sitting on my back like this was almost no inconvenience.

I still was careful though, I absolutely did not want them to fall off.

That would not bode well for me, or my sanity, not to mention that Nea was already injured.

I did have to admit that she was one tough Woman though.

I probably wouldn’t be this calm if my foot had been hit by an ice blast, An event that she was currently telling Robin after he had asked what happened to her.

“-and that’s why my foot looks so ugly right now, but don’t worry, at tha castle they are gonna get tha boot off and fix it, I’ll be good as new in no time!”

Yeah that about summed it up, i just hoped she didn’t have to amputate it, that would suck.

“Yeah, as soon as we get there some doctor is going to help with that so we better get a move on”

I slightly sped up my gait, much to the amusement of the two sitting on my back, and it made mud drip everywhere.

I didn’t think I had that much of it in my fur but apparently I was mistaken.

Suddenly Nea leaned forwards a lot, and with a mischievous tone asked.

“Hey ya walkin mud puddle, how fast can ya get?”

There was amusement clearly evident in her voice and I decided to indulge both of them as Robin had started to chant for me to go faster at Neas suggestion.

“Alright, but if you feel like you can’t hold on anymore tell me and i’ll slow down”

I could feel both of them grip my fur even tighter and I slowly accelerated, gaining steadily on speed.

I went faster and faster as neither of them told me to stop and eventually the ground was just a blur underneath me while I leaped over the earth.

Ohh this was fun!

I didn’t even care about being covered in mud anymore.

I just went as fast as i could get all the while i heard Robin and Nea laughing.

“WOOHOO! Now that’s what I call fast! Well end up in tha castle before them if ya can keep that pace up big guy!”

Nea seemed thoroughly amused by the prospect of being there before the rest of the division.

To be fair it would be funny, so I kept the pace I was at, making the ground almost fly away underneath me.

Being this fast was weirdly fun, I hadn’t anticipated being able to go at such a pace but I wasn’t complaining.

The four legs clearly were an advantage for this.

The ground was far from even so it was a bit of a bumpy ride, but none of the humans on my back complained, instead they cheered when I had to take a particularly big leap to get over a ditch.

That made me wonder how far I could actually jump.

I decided to test it out by jumping over a small stream that came up ahead.

The Stream itself had swollen with melted snow and was an ugly brown color from all the mud, I’d guess it to be about eight feet across.

There wasn’t really any way around it, only a small dingy bridge that would never hold me so I had to jump regardless, and slowing down wouldn’t help me so I went even faster.

“Are you gonna Jump over that water?”

I heard Robin call from somewhere behind Nea.

“YES! So hold on and do not let go! This is going to be a rough ride!”

I could feel both of them lean forward as much as they could, which meant they were half lying half sitting on my back as I prepared to jump.

The water was now right in front of me and I jumped as soon as I felt it on the tip of my front paws, near flying over the mucky water.

I could hear Robin let out a squeal of joy and landed a few feet after the water on the other side.

I didn’t really know how far exactly that was but I would put it at about twelve feet.

Huh, that was impressive, I wondered how far exactly it was.

Suddenly I heard Nea call right into my ear.

“That’s tha fastest I have ever traveled!

we’re going to be at tha castle first fer sure!”

I just grinned and kept the pace I was at, occasionally jumping over various obstacles.

At some point not even five minutes later I could see the Castle in the Distance, yeah, we’d be first for sure.

Another good thing about being this fast aside from the obvious joy of my passengers was that the mud on me had mostly come off and only some dried bits were still stuck to me.

I’d still take a dip in the ocean to get it off though, that would make the bathwater itself less muddy.

I’d bet that the castle even had hot water, That was something I had always wanted to try.

On the streets it was either rainwater showers or a dip in whatever river I could find.

I’d shift down for that though, I didn’t think anyone would have a bathtub big enough for an Ardua.

Now that the Castle was within sight I changed course slightly to steer away from the treeline and towards the imposing building.

it was a good thing that i remembered where exactly the door was i had used when i first arrived here, even if it meant that the two on my back had to get down for a bit.

I was suddenly glad Robin had come with as he could help Nea getting down and then climb up again.

And he could also go ahead to inform a medic about Nea so they could prepare for whatever was wrong with her foot.

After that we could wait at the gate for everyone else, they’d be really confused as to why we were here before them.

Maybe Nea was lucky and got to see their reactions from out of a window.

I gradually went slower and came to a halt right before the closed door that led into the garden so as to not throw the two on my back off.

The door was still closed and I doubted anyone would open me without orders, sooo.

“Hey Nea, can you tell them to open the door?

I don’t think they’ll do it if i ask”

She leaned forward a bit and out of the corner of my eye I could see her nodding.

“Sure! I can do that!

OI YA FUCKERS OPEN THA DAMN GATE ALREADY!”

I took everything in me not to flinch at her sudden outburst, but at least I could hear the creaking of the door mechanism already.

“Nea! You are right behind my ears warn me please before you just holler so loudly”

“Sorry big guy, didn’t mean ta do that, also i don’t know how sensitive yer ears are but i won’t do it again”

I just huffed and bent down so Nea and Robin could climb off.

“Whatever, but you have to get off for a bit, i just barely fit through the frame and you would just fall of, you can get back up after i went through the gate though”

Robin immediately slid off and then stood awkwardly near where Nea would climb down as if to help.

Nea herself carefully swung her leg over and then slowly climbed down as well as she was able to with only one functional leg, and having to be caught by Robin after stumbling for a second.

“I’m fine, don’t make such a fuss! I can stand on my own”

She did not look fine, at least her foot didn’t but I chose to not say anything about it.

Robin also kept his mouth shut, instead just offering support by standing next to her so she could grab his shoulder if needed.

At this point the Door had completely opened and we could go through, I let Nea and Robin in first so I didn’t have to worry about accidentally hitting them with my tail.

The thing still was rather unusual to have and I didn’t exactly have full control over it so I’d rather not have it smack someone.

That would be really awkward.

Better not dwell on it, instead I focused on getting through the door myself, by ducking down again and shuffling forward while trying not to scrape my entire back on the top of it.

It only half worked and I hoped there wasn’t too much mud on it now.

On the other side of the gate I found a lot of guards, not the royal one but the ones stationed on the defense walls.

PREVIOUS / NEXT / OVERSIGHT

[rainbow--panic]

I write a lot of rdr2 myself, but I don't have many people who write for me!

I'd love to see someone elses take on Arthur with a chubbier woman who also happens to be a virgin, i am a slut for him in all directions and I'd love to see someone elses writing for him!!!

If you don't get to it don't worry about it!! But i figured I'd ask if you're taking rdr2!!

Dun du du daaaaaaaaa

and just like that your request is severed, hot ans spicy for ya

hope you enjoy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pairing:Arthur Morgan x Chubby!Virgin!Reader

Warnings:NSFW, Bit of self body hate, Being r@wdogged by a cowboy

Only lightly proof read this as I am very tired and want to nap

MINORS DNI

It was the middle of the afternoon and you and Arthur were planning on heading into Rhodes to get some supplies from the general store. You had gotten a list from Pearson of everything you needed, plus a small list of some other essentials needed around camp from Hosea and Dutch. You had changed into the one nice dress you had, which was reserved for days going into town, much like this one, and special events outside of camp. As you walked out of your tent you quickly locked eyes with Arthur. It hadn't been long but he was waiting for you and put his arm out for you to wrap your arms around as the two of you made your way to the wagon.

Arthur helped you up and then got up himself, taking the reins and riding out of camp. You held onto his right arm loosely as you laid on him, enjoying his company.

"So how have you been, dear? I know we haven't had a chance to be together lately with Dutch havin me run around like a chicken with its head cut off" Arthur said with a grin. You smiled at him, Arthur always......had a way with words, I guess you could say.

"Oh I've been alright, just dealing with Ms.Grimshaw bossin me around as if I'm just a no good lil hussie" Arthur chuckled. "Well ain't ya?" he jokingly asked, you playfully smacked his arm.

"Only for you Arthur" You said as you kissed his cheek.

Though he may have never admitted it to you, he loved leaving camp to be with you. It's not that he didn't want to tell you or never actually wanted to admit he loved you, it was more that he couldn't bring the right words together to say it. He loved the gang, he would gladly die for the gang, he knew you of all people were loyal to the gang, but if he had the chance to go live with you someplace beautiful where no one could ever find yall, he would. When you joined the gang it was no different then when Karen, Mary Beth, or Tilly joined. But with the way you were, how hard you worked in all the different camps, and the way you seemed to light up a room, it brought a strange feeling to Arthur, one he hadn't felt in a long time, back when he was younger and with another woman who he knew could never truly love him enough to stay by his side.

"You know, I am so glad Micha is gone" A smile was plastered across your face. "For now, anyways" Arthur added. It's been a little while since Arthur had busted him out of prison and now he's still hiding out somewhere behind Strawberry. You looked at Arthur and frowned. "Ain't there a way we could get Dutch to kick him out of the gang? I know I ain't of power to make requests like that but-" You trailed off, looking at the road ahead.

Safe to say Micha didn't get along with anyone in camp, especially you. Micha was the type of man who liked women to be, as he said, 'woman shaped not boar shaped' to which he immediately got an ass whoopin by Charles on Arthur's behalf as Arthur was out that night robbing a train. Arthur nudged you and smiled. "When I get the chance to, I'll shoot 'em for ya" both of you erupted into laughter. Micha was only good at causing problems but you both knew that somehow he was a part of Dutches' master plan.

"Don't you worry little missy, when he comes back I'll make sure to make it clear to him that if he messes with my girl, I'll deal with 'em'' He wrapped an arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him as he planted a kiss on your lips. As you part, a sigh escaped your lips. It always feels so nice to be alone with Arthur. At camp he has to show himself around as the top gun who fears no man. After all he is, but alone he's able to calm down and relax to your touch, he wants nothing more than for you to be his and for you to be happy.

The wagon stopped on the side of the store and the two of you went in. You began to look around with Arthur but then he split off to speak to the shopkeeper about rhodes. You noticed a mirror off to the side of the store. Wasn't a huge mirror, but it was big enough for people to see their whole bodies, more than likely put in by the shopkeeper so people could see what they look like in the clothing he sold. You looked at yourself in the mirror at both a front and side angle. You had never been too concerned about your figure, after all the bigger you were the more of you to love, but what Micha said had unfortunately got to you. He always found a way to get to people and now you started to imagine yourself looking more and more uglier. 'How could Arthur love someone as hideous as me?' you had asked yourself at one point. You really hadn't changed much from when you first joined the gang and even before then, but now your looking at yourself through hateful eyes you had seemed to change immensely.

Arthur came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and giving you a kiss on the neck. "Hey beautiful, whatcha doing?" he asked as if he hadn't been watching you from the moment you walked up to the mirror, with an expression showing your disgust for yourself. Your face grew red as you brushed it off saying 'nothing', the last thing you wanted was for Arthur to worry about your mentality. He held you for a few more moments before releasing you. The two of you went about your business in the shop and gathered all of the supplies needed. The shop keeper had offered to get the wagon all loaded since it was a decent amount of supplies and figured it would take a while. Arthur agreed to let him do it and decided that the two of you could go and have some fun. "Come on, women.''He said, waiting for you by the door. He held it open for you like a proper gentleman. He was always sweet on you and you loved it, so kind and gentle and yet so strong and fierce.

"Where are we off to Arthur?" Sweetly asking as you took his hand. "Well I figured we head off to the hotel, get a room while we're waiting and spend some time together." You could tell he was thinking of something, his eyes looked at you differently, not in a bad way, or so you hoped. Yall walked into the hotel and there just so happened to be a room for rent. You made your way up there and opened the door to see..........it wasn't as bad as the outside. In fact it wasn't bad at all. The inside was lovely. The bed was made up, the walls were a nice dark red with some black patterning, there was a chimney to keep warm in the winter, and the carpet looked as soft as could be. You sat yourself atop the bed as you looked around the room in awe, then to Arthur.

"So what is it yer planning? Finally gonna take me like a babe in the woods now?" You asked half jokingly. Not that you would mind. You've never actually had sex before and for how long you and Arthur had been together you would have thought he'd have taken you by now. You smile, then he starts walking towards you, hands at his sides. When he gets to your feet he bends down, placing his hands at either side of the bed as he leans into you and places a deep, passionate kiss on your lips. Moments later when he breaks it off, you are left slightly panting, wanting more.

"(Y/N), I see the way you look at yourself in that mirror, I've heard every goddamn awful thing Micha has said to you and the way he laughs at your figure, but he doesn't matter, he ain't with you because, to put it straight, he can't handle having a beautiful women such as yourself at his side. He doesn't deserve a woman like you and therefore he ain't got none." He grabs your right hand with his left, gently as he looks deep into your eyes.

"You are my everything, you are so beautiful to me, I would rather die than live a day without ever meeting you. You are the reason I love coming back to camp, you are the reason I love early mornings and late nights, I want you to be with my till the end, and I want you to be mine, if you'll have me" He finishes with a rasp in his voice, bringing your hand to his face and kissing it. You are left there with tears forming in your eyes and cheeks burning. You struggle to find words as you are left speechless. Never before have you been able to find a man who treats you so tenderly, who opens up to you, and values your time.

Taking in a deep breath, you say "Arthur, I love you so and I would love to be yours till the end, and I would greatly love if you were to take me here and now" He smiles and nods, putting his hat on the nightstand before grabbing your waist on either side and kissing you passionately, slowly lowering you to the bed as he begins to rub your hips, then moving slowly to your thighs. You try not to laugh as you gently push him away. "Arthur, perhaps we could get somewhere if our clothes were off, hmm?" He smiles sweetly at you. "'Scuse me there missy, I was trying to take it slow for you, considering' I'm yer first after all."

The both of you had gotten up and undressed, now you were embarrassed being in the nude with your lover but he didn't seem to mind as he took you in. He grabbed you and held you close, planting kisses all along the side of your neck and shoulder, meanwhile you could feel his dick getting harder. You draped your hands on his shoulders and soon enough they started to travel down to his chest. You decided that you should be brave and make the first move to initiate something, as he said he was taking it slow for you but you had wanted him for so long you could hardly wait any longer.

As you were softly moaning from the hickies he was giving you, you started to gently grasp his cock and start rubbing it. Taking his length in, feeling how thick it was. He grunted, obviously enjoying someone else touching it for a change. That's when you decided to push him on the bed then bent down. Karen had walked you through how to please a man properly, gave you all the tips and tricks you would need cuz she said "You never know when Arthurs gonna take you out on the woods and expect you to bend to his every whim."

Arthur looked at you, obviously intrigued. He knew you had never been with another man before, you had told him this many times, and yet here you were taking the lead. You spit on his tip and began to spread it around as a makeshift lubricant. You licked his tip before taking it in. Slowly you bobbed your head, taking in more and more of him over a small amount of time. Grunts frequentied out of his mouth as he leaned back, using his elbows for support, head leaning back. It was a sight to behold, here you were, pleasing one of the roughest, toughest, outlaws of the west. You held on to one of his thighs as you quickened your pace, his hand found his way into your hair. His grunts become louder as you edge him. Before his climax you hold your head down as he cums in your mouth. Warm, salty, liquid filled your mouth as you pulled back, coughing up some of it. Breathing heavily, Arthur quickly got up and apologized. "I'm sorry darlin', I don't know what came over me." He said

You wiped any remaining cum from your lips as you regained your breath and laughed. "If I knew you were that needy I would have taken you to town myself long ago." He chuckled as he helped you to the bed. He laid you down on your back and placed himself at your entrance. His thumb had traced small circles around your entrance before landing on and rubbing your clit. A surprised gasp left your lips as you felt this new sensation.Arthur humed, pleased with himself.

With his free hand he grabbed his throbbing cock and gave it a quick stroke. It was obvious that he was far too excited to do this with you as touched you, then rubbed his tip on your entrance. As his tip went over your now sensitive bud you had let out a small mew. Arthur leaned down and planted a kiss on your lips, tasting some of his own cum that lingered on your lips. He grabbed onto your legs and spread them, then with one of his hands he inserted himself into you, slowly. It was slightly painful at first, and Arthur took note of how tight you were, having trouble fitting all the way in. He let out a gruff "Damn women '' as he made his way completely inside of you. As you adjusted to him, some tears fell from your eyes. He kissed all over your face, cheek to cheek, landing on your lips.

"Darling' just let me know when you're ready" He had said between kisses. With a sigh and a wiggle of your hips, you looked at him and nodded. Gripping your thighs, he spread them once more. Slowly he thrust out then back in. The pace stayed slow until you bucked your hips.With a grunt he quickened the pace. You moaned, it felt so invigorating, finally having him inside you made you feel whole. You loved the way his strong arms held you, how no matter how badly you wanted to squeeze him in your thighs, your strength was nothing compared to his. The thought that, if he very so wanted, he could crush you right now. He could put a hand around your neck and fuck the living daylight out of you, could have you in a complete moaning mess, all sweaty and dumb.

"Arthur~" You moaned. He seemed pleased with that. "Mmm? Yes darlin? what can I do for ya?" He smirked. He could see it in your eyes, you wanted more. He began going rougher, he started to drill into you faster. Your moans became louder and more frequent. Your eyes started watering up as you closed them. "C'mon darlin, look at me" with that your eyes snapped back open to look at Arthur in all his glory. The light showed off his skin as the two watched each other for mere moments before locking lips together. Arthurs pace not faltering for a second as he mercilessly pounded into you. You felt a knot in your stomach as he went on.

"A-Arthur I-I Oh~" you tried to tell him but your moans had overpowered you. "Already, Sweetheart? maybe you were needier than me!" He laughed as he trudged into you, letting you reach your climax with his following soon after. You were not both just laying on the bed, panting, holding each other in your arms. With a kiss and some pillow talk, yall cleaned yourself up and made your way back to the wagon. All the while getting stares from other people in the area, including those in other rooms, the hotel clerk, some men and women outside, and even the man who had conveniently finished loading your wagon. Arthur helped you up once more and pulled himself up after you. For the short trip back to camp you remained on his lap, loving on him while you still could. Maybe one day he'll bring you out here again, can't say that the clerk will rent ya another room though.

[aurumacadicus]

What about "I'm sorry about waking you. You looked like you were having a nightmare." with Tony/Thor?

I always have Thor being the soft one 🤔 Maybe it's Tony's turn.

Just kidding even when I try to make Tony the softie it still somehow turns into Thor comforting him. In my defense, Thor's hundreds of years old and has had time to learn patience.

--

Thor was twitching.

Tony sat up a little, frowning, as he watched Thor's mouth twist into a grimace, his brows furrowing, muscles spasming in whatever dream he was having. He lifted a hand, reaching out toward him, then pulled it back to his chest nervously. Should he wake him up?

Thor had never had a problem waking him up from a nightmare, even if JARVIS found it an ill-advised decision. But then again, Thor was also physically on par with the Norse God most people thought he was. He could handle Tony's punches and scratches and screams of terror until he figured out when where he was, at least physically. Tony couldn't say the same. Thor might actually really hurt him if he woke up abruptly, groggy and in the residual throes of his dream.

He looked like he was in pain.

Tony swallowed thickly, hand hovering out again. Thor let out a grunt, which made him pull his hand back again. He hovered, feeling useless. This was why he hated being the squishiest member of the team; Steve and Bruce would have brushed off a hit, and Natasha and Clint would have simply avoided it. Tony was slow, at least compared to everyone else. He might not be able to get out of Thor's attack radius if he woke up aggressive.

Then Thor made a sound, soft, agonized. Broken.

Tony grabbed his pillow and crawled off the bed, then took a few steps just for good measure. Turned. Took aim.

Threw his pillow as hard as he could. It hit Thor smack in the face.

Thor jerked upright so abruptly that Tony skittered back a few more steps, just in case. He breathed in deeply a few times, then finally let his breath out slowly through his teeth. Looked around. Frowned in confusion when he finally caught sight of Tony standing across the room.

"...What's going on?" Thor asked when Tony said nothing, instead just watching him, eyes wide and wary.

"I'm sorry," Tony said quickly, and then, when Thor's eyebrows furrowed together, added, "For waking you. You looked like you were having a nightmare."

Thor blinked at him slowly, as if he was still trying to figure out what happened. Finally, though, he held his hand out to him. "Come here."

Tony drifted closer, shoulders hunching in with every step. Thor didn't look upset, but he also didn't look very happy. He didn't know if it was because he'd remembered the nightmare, didn't and was taking Tony's word for it, or if he was just upset he'd been woken up. Maybe he should have asked what to do when they'd talked about starting to sleep together. He just... hadn't thought about it. He'd gone out of his way to tell Thor what to do if he was having a nightmare. He'd just... foolishly assumed that Thor never had any of his own when he hadn't returned the sentiment.

Thor took his hand, carefully drawing him back onto the bed. "I was. Having a nightmare," he offered gently. "It was horrible. Thank you for waking me up, beloved. Don't ever do that again."

"That's what I thought," Tony sighed miserably. He looked up at Thor through his lashes, frowning. "You looked like you were in pain."

"Emotional only," Thor promised, hand coming up to cradle Tony's cheek in it. "Bad memories. I've lost a lot." He leaned in, brushed a kiss over Tony's lips, then leaned back, smiling a little. "I appreciate you trying to rescue me from them, Tony. More than I can properly convey, I think."

"But don't do it again," Tony surmised, and Thor leaned in to press another kiss to his lips. He didn't say anything, but the kiss felt like a 'yes.' He sighed quietly as Thor leaned back, dropping his gaze to his lap. "What should I do?"

"Ideally, you'd let me work through it myself. I always pass through a nightmare eventually," Thor said. Then he sort of smiled and shook his head. "However, if you're really in distress, I suppose chucking another pillow full force from the other side of the room would be a viable substitute."

Tony huffed, unable to stop the way the corner of his mouth curled upward too. "My aim will only get better, you know."

"Tony, if there's anything I would never doubt, it's the fact that you'd get better at something just to spite me," Thor said, voice fond, and leaned in to kiss him again to smother his startled bark of laughter.

[the-fiction-witch]

Little Darlin'

Media Godless

Character Whitey Winn

Couple Whitey X Reader

Rating Sweet + Cute

Concept The Fall

I finished tying my boots and headed off my little wooden porch into the dust and dirt of Labelle with the other ladies as I walked I heard a cocky tone

"Mornin' ladies." I glanced over seeing whitey Winn the deputy boy sat in his small wooden chair on the office porch clearly having been woken from a recent nap in the chair. His boots close to the end of the porch covered in a years worth of dust and dirt, his pants tight to his thin frame, his gun Belts sat crossed over his hips, his shirts so dirty I'm almost convinced you spilled a glass of water on them and left them in the sun a day or so they'd start growing shoots from within the fabric, his skin caked with dirt in various layers his hat sat on his head keeping the sun from his eyes he saw me looking and his lip curled up he moved a hand to the rim of his hat tipping it to me as he spoke "Hiya little darlin"

I rolled my eyes and continued walking, whitey knew I didn't perticularly like him Be honestly I don't think he perticularly liked me either being a dirty, sharp shooting cowboy and myself a pacifist and gardener with a cleaning compulstion. Natural the two of us wouldn't exactly see eye to eye over things didn't help we were the only two of a similar age, everyone else in town, old enough to be our parents or young enough to be our children.

I continued in until I reached the frame of the church hitching up my skirt and starting to work on the roof.

I did my work hammer in hand making sure the church was as good as it could be humming my little song as I worked, I set my hammer down a moment getting another nail from my box but as I went to grab the hammer it slipped and fell to the earth breaking the wooden handle and taking off the metal hammer as it hit the ground "ohh fiddlesticks" I sighed I turned trying to get back to the ladder to climb back down and get a new hammer but somehow my dress even though I had pinned it up considerably got caught on something not sure what, so as I tried to carefully walk away down the small wooden beam my dress tugged me back causing me to slip my dress to rip as I tumbled down from the top beam of the church following after my hammer. I screamed trying to grab for the beam but it was too late I knew I'd impact the ground soon and very likely crack my head open but i landed and immediately felt like nothing hurt

"Whoa whoa there. You alright little darlin?"

I opened my eyes and saw I wasn't actually on the ground, whitey Winn had caught me in his arms holding me close to him as a husband hold a new bride his arm under my knees holding my legs and the other around my waist keeping me in his arms my hands gripped onto his shirt tightly in my panic it was strange as much as whitey did annoy me and frustrate me it was a different feeling utterly to be held in his arms so sweetly my heart a flutter at the dirty cow boy as I saw him in a way I never had before sweet, careing, protective. He made eye contact with his face, reading genuine concern for me. And suddenly it all came together with what girls like about law men. The way he held me, looked at me, spoke to me the way his hat protected the sun from my eyes and his facial hair made him seem so much more manly and strong I felt butterflies in my stomach for the first time ever since knowing whitey Winn.

"Uhhhh yes. Yes I'm fine" I nodded trying hard not to blush "thank you whitey"

"No trouble little darlin, couldn't let you fall now could I?" He says "you ready to go down?" He chuckled

"Yes please" I smiled

So he gently lower my legs letting me stand being gentle and careful the whole time barely letting me hold my full weight making sure I was alright "there we go. You sure you're alright?"

"I'm sure." I nodded

"Okay then, you be careful up there I can't always be around to save ya" he joked "I'll leave ya to your work" he says tipping the brim of his hat to me before he wandered off into town, I straightened myself up and grabbed a new hammer heading back up the ladder.

I felt so nervous, so embarrassed about doing this but I don't know I couldn't help myself I knocked on the office door a few times holding my basket in my hand

"It's open!" Whitey called from inside so i pushed ooe rhe door snd headed inside seeing him sat at his desk reading the paper he glanced up at me and smiled as he usually did "AHH Hiya little darlin. Something I can help you with?" He asks setting the paper down on his desk and leaning in his elbows his chin in his hands

"I uhh I just wanted to pop by, I have something for you"

"For me?" He asks

I nodded pulling back the gingham cover to reveal the silver pan and small jars and I'd never seen him smile so widely his face utterly lot up

"Pie!"

"Blackberry and spiced apple pie" I smiled

Immediately he took it eagerly from the basket grabbing a fork from within his desk draw and immediately having some looking utterly smitten

"Ummm your pies are the stuff of legend little darlin" he says "ohh and some little preserves" he smiled spotting the jars getting them out to read the little labels "all this is for me?"

"Of course, as a little thank you for catching me the other day. When I fell from the church" I smiled

"Oohh. Aww that's sweet of ya" he smiled "Well thank you very much little darlin, I shall have to keep my eye out I'll catch ya again if these are my rewards" he smiled

"I'm sure you'd get lots more rewards if you did" I smiled "have a nice day whitey"

"You too y/n"

I quickly hurried out shutting the door behind me immediately being revolted by myself as I stood on the porch hand sweaty, stomach full of butterflies and heat in my cheeks uhhhhh god! It's whitey Winn! For goodness sake get a grip.

I smiled as I worked humming my little song as I collected eggs up from my many hens adding each fresh eggs to my basket with wipe on my apron in-between.

"Hello little darlin" I heard from the door making me immediately jump and blush as I turned seeing whitey in the doorway

"Ohhh hello whitey" I blushed

"You had a little escapist" he says holding one of my chickens "she's lucky I brought her back I was gonna make soup," he says

"Ohh thank you whitey" I smiled taking my chicken "silly Harriet go on now" I told her setting her back with the others "thank you for bringing her back"

"It's alright least I could do. I know you not found of me hurting them"

"Not perticularly no. I like my chickens." I smiled continuing my work as to distract myself and he even came around to help me reaching in the back of the box and under straw where I couldn't see

"I also like your chickens for very different reasons however" he says "oww!" He complained as hetti pecked his leg

"Understandable, they are delicious"

"I thought you wouldn't kill them?"

"I won't but sometimes one must when they get too old or too sick or if someone gets them" I glared

"I didn't mean to shoot the chicken, I was aiming for the wall" he says

"Still, she made good roast though"

"I can imagine so. In that note if you do have any eggs?"

"Course" I smiled sorting through the eggs into those I'd put back for future baby chickens and those I could sell to people in town as they had no baby chickens. I made him up a little box of those and handed them over

"AHH thank you, that'll keep me going a while" he says "here you go" he says grabbing the coins from his pocket which he handed over I counted up the coins and found he neede change and I didn't have any

"Ohh fiddle sticks. I don't have any change"

"Oh? Don't worry about it take it off next time"

"No no I'll forget" I sighed and suddenly I hatched a small plan "I can get you your change if you close your eyes" I smiled nervously

"Uuuuuuuhhh…okay?" He says clearly confused but doing as I asked anyway once his eyes where shut I blushed hard a moment for a second too nervous to even try but I stood in my tip toes and pressed a little kiss to his cheek I quickly moved away and focused on the chickens but I couldn't help looking out the corner of my eye as his eyes opened and he gave me a strange look the sort of look you'd give to a child you completely don't believe when there telling a lie "right" he nods with a smile "I'll see ya in town little darlin" he says taking his eggs and heading out shutting the coops door behind him

Immediately I turned bring red and giggly.

I stood humming my little tune brushing my horse Rosie as she stood in the labelle stables I wanted a stable of my own but given the chickens I didn't have the space so she had to stay in the stable with the fee other horses in town.

"Hiya little darlin" whitey smiled as he arrived to take care of his own horse ted who was up the other end of the stables from me

"Hi whitey" I blushed

"How's she doing?"

"Good, how's he?"

"Fine. You just keep that little lady of yours away from my stallion" he told me as he worked "I can't hold him"

"I will, then again it would give you opportunity to save me again"

"It would. If I was to save ya would I get one of your delicious pies?"

"Of course"

"Cut it out" he chuckled

"What?"

"Cut it out"

"Cut what out?"

"Quit being so damn nice to me"

"....uuhhh"

"You're not going to admit you've been a hell of alot nicer to me lately"

"No I've been as nice to you as I always have"

"You little liar. You hate me. And I don't know what kinda cruel game your playing but cut it out" he says

"I don't hate you whitey" I said coming over to peek into Ted's stable "I've never hated you"

"Really? You called me a gun toating moron"

"... you did shoot my chicken"

"You said I smelt like a prisoners unemptied chamber pot"

"... It was a very hot day and you hadn't had a bath in a week"

"I know why your being nice to me"

"You do?"

"Yes. And cut it out. It's a crush you'll get over it"

"Excuse me"

"You'll get over it. Your only being nice to me because you got a wave of adrenaline and fear when you fell off the church roof. It's a crush you don't actually like me you probably still hate me. It's a crush you'll get over it" he says

"Screw you whitey!"

"There's the harsh insulting I'm used to"

"How dare you tell me what's going on in my mind! Like you know! My opinions and emotions are my own and if I decide to fall madly in love with the gun toating rarely bathing deputy then god damn it that's my business!"

He was stunned for a moment utterly unable to speak. "M-madly in love?"

"Yes, you idiot!"

"You - you actually like me?"

"Yes!" I yelled grabbing his face and pulling his lips to my own initially he was in an utter panic for a moment but soon relaxed and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me back softly till we pulled back 

"You actually really like me? I really liked you, but I thought you hated me. and you being nice was some kinda horrible rug pull" He explained 

"Of course not, I admit I never much liked you but after the church I saw you in a different light. I always thought you where a cocky asshole but you've been so sweet ever since. I really do like you whitey" I smiled nuzzling with his chest 

"I like you too, did you maybe wanna pack up the horses and go on a little picnic by the river?"

"I'd like that whitey" 

"Okay, come on little darlin' we get down there now we'll be able to watch the sunset" He smiled before giving me a little kiss 

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

curious to know what you have been planning for this week 👀

well well well, wouldn't you like to know 🤭

there is one thing i know for sure will be posted this week and that's night out, which is a second part (out of three) to that bodyguard fic i wrote a few months back. that is already done and ready to drop on saturday.

other than that there is another fic in the sugar and spice au (the one i had you all vote for a few days ago) that i am actually just finishing up right now as we speak, so i hope i'll get to edit that and finish it up so that it can also come out either this week or next week. idk, we will see. i have a super stressful meeting planned for on wednesday, so that's kinda bleeding over and making it hard for me to work the days close to that...

i'm also just working on a ton of other wips, so you never know, maybe i could have an explosive session with one of them and finish. maybe i'll be too excited about it right now and just post it immediately and not schedule it into my calender like i often do.... you never know...

but also, i have already been mildly teasing about this, but i have something VERY special and exciting planned for next week (the first week of september, the first week of autumn if that gives you any clues) but get motherfucking ready. i am so excited that i nearly clicked to post it like a billion times but somehow held onto my self control enough to at least wait till september hit to start burying myself in it.

[karmas-chameleon]

Chapter 9 is done! Not gonna post the whole thing here, it's on Ao3 if anyone wants it, but here's the best part

My gaze fell to the ground along with some unnameable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Somehow, I hadn't been able to explain myself. He still didn't understand. My words, or my mind, weren't enough to express what I wanted to, and that was all it took to break the dam blocking off my swelling emotions, after I'd brushed aside every little crack that tried to warn me. I felt my body start to move against my will, my lips trembling and my eyes tearing up. The opportunity to talk my way through my experience was pulled from me as I sniffled loudly - no longer the functioning adult I'd worked so hard to put together, but the pathetic child that I feared would be seen.

I felt an arm wrap around me, heard something hit the pavement, and another arm pulled me close. Not an hour ago, in nearly the same position, I was incapable of speech. After a date full of overwhelming emotions, I could only sob.

“It's alright,” Manfred said softly. “It's alright.”

He held me tight, rocking gently, shushing me, and whispering comfort. I could understand his words, up to a point, and when his voice changed to a sing-song cadence, I realized he'd stopped speaking English. Still my tears flowed, and my breath hitched in my throat as I tried in vain to control myself, weeping and sniffling beneath the words of a German lullaby.

My tears eventually had to run out, though it felt like they'd keep going forever. And whatever dripped from my nose eventually stopped coming out as well, but it seemed my body might actually have a limitless supply of that. It covered my nostrils, then lips, then chin, and I didn't want to look at where it fell next. On any other day, getting snot on Manfred's clothing would've been the worst of my worries. But I had far bigger problems to take on.

I sat up straight, pulling away but still staring down at the ground. I saw a handkerchief enter the corner of my vision, and took it. An attempt was made to clean up my face, though I knew from experience that just wiping my nose did very little. I'd seen this same face in mirrors before, at school, at home, at my old job. The bloodshot eyes, the red, swollen skin - it was a face I wished for nobody to witness, not even me, and especially not others.

“I'm…sorry,” I whispered. My voice came out thin and trembling, and far less confident than I'd hoped. It was almost enough to make me start crying again.

“There's no need to apologize.” Manfred lay his hand over mine, squeezing gently as I held onto his snot-filled handkerchief. “There never was.”

“I-it's just-” I sniffled, “a lot. Everything is.”

“Hmm?”

“When…whenever I touch you, it's- it makes me feel a lot of…stuff. And when we talk, and when I look at you, and everything- and it's just,” I wiped at my eyes, “...too much, sometimes.”

“You’re overwhelmed. Overstimulated.”

“Uh-huh,” I nodded.

“Is there anything you need? If there's any way I can help, I will.”

“I just need…time, I think.” I slumped against Manfred's shoulder and closed my eyes, finally capable of taking a deep breath.

I focused on the sounds around me. The birds chirping in the trees and the wind whistling through the branches calmed me, while the sound of nearby human activity made me worry about just how many people may have passed by in the middle of my meltdown. And it still wasn't over, not quite. I could feel myself cooling off, but I wouldn't be back to normal until I got to my apartment, turned off all the lights, and took a long nap. Even then, ‘normal’ would still be painfully relative - my normal, but not the normal. Such a quality was out of my reach.

“I'm glad you told me,” Manfred said quietly, “even if you may not feel the same way. I realize it must've taken a good deal of courage.”

I nodded wordlessly into his shoulder.

“And it reminds me how I should treat you.”

My heart sank. This was the beginning - the pity, the babying, the ‘you poor thing’ looks that I'd dreaded.

“With politesse, and chivalry, as a gentleman ought to. Taking things slowly, and always requesting permission rather than assuming. And no more messing around trying to fluster you, as amusing as it may be.” 

I felt him squeeze my hand again, and sighed with relief. “Thank you…Manfred.”

“Of course, Miss Martin.”

[random-lil-illing]

so, no art today because i'm trying to take a small break from drawing so i don't burn myself out. i do, however, bring a poem (?? a speech? a fanfic? technically counts as all three) !! i'll let you figure out who it's being told to (who the angel is), who the devil is, and who's saying it all. the tags might give a few hints :)

"did it hurt? it must've. getting dragged away from heaven can't have brought you anything less than agony. 

the devil tricked you, didn't he? he dressed and talked like an angel, sneaking his way into heaven. i don't blame you for trusting him - he looked just like you and offered you his hand, which radiated warmth. your hands were always freezing, of course you'd be attracted to someone who ran hot, even if it was in all the wrong ways.

you were always so naive, so trusting. you always saw the best in people. how were you meant to see a devil in disguise, when he was offering to bring your dreams to life? to bring you down to earth? it was something you'd always dreamed of, the mortal plane - a beautiful paradise where you were in control, where you'd be worshipped for just being yourself - for being an angel.

but when he took your hand and started leading you down, he didn't stop at the mortal plane, no, he kept going until he reached the deepest damned pits of hell. somewhere you'd never be cherished like you were promised you'd be, not in the slightest. no, down here in hell, you were only his puppet, used for everyone's entertainment. but what the devil didn't realize is that, just like him, angels changed when they were in an environment opposite to theirs. heavenly beings like yourself were made for the gentle breeze and soft lifestyle the clouds brought, not the daunting flames and the stress hell threw onto you. and everyone knows that things that are meant to stay cold melt when brought into a hot area. and melt you did - you melted right in front of everyone. and did the devil bring you back? of course he did. he didn't go through all the effort to bring you down here just for you to turn into a puddle on your first day. 

he tried, he tried so hard to turn you into something you never were, he tried for days to form you into a demon's view of an angel. but, as with all the devil's ideas, it didn't work out very well. he brought you back, sure, but you didn't quite turn out right. you were different than before, than what you were meant to be in his eyes. his little experiment on you failed. it wasn't your fault, no, it never was, but did you really think the ruler of hell himself would take the blame? of course not. so he hand fed you lies with those claws of his, while caressing the face that didn't belong to you, only ever responding to a voice that wasn't yours. he told you were hideous, ugly, terrifying. you believed him, and you had every reason to. the demons, they mocked you, they compared you to what you looked like back in heaven, to what an angel is supposed to look like. and you looked nothing like either of those, you looked nothing like what you had known your whole life. of course you'd think you weren't pretty. of course you'd turn to the devil's ways just to get your beauty back. 

oh, how i wish i was there when it all happened, so i could tell you the truth. so i could tell you that you were never scary or misshapen. no, you were always gorgeous in my eyes. even when the devil tainted your mind with his words, even when you continued with your immoral ways long after the devil's chains that held you back snapped. you're not ugly, never were, you just weren't meant to be down here.

what he did to you was twisted, sickening. and yet, you're somehow the villain in this story. in your story."

[ironcherryblossomphilosopher]

The Healing

~ Story by Stormi Dawn

She: It's beginning to make sense, this change inside of me.

He: You mean, growing in wisdom and understanding, learning what makes you - well... you?

She: Well, I've been trying to steady myself, but allow myself room to breathe. Like as I do, I'm finally bringing myself together, piece by piece.

He: So, does this unfolding surprise you about yourself? Are all the emotions, all the varied beliefs, accomplishments and failures, beginning to weave a more congruent line in behind and, most importantly, in front of you?

She: The things I think are out of place, I'm finally finding myself able to find the containers they properly belong in, but that's really just beginning. It just feels so neat. Until now, it's as if I had been scattered all about my history, emotions, bad people, and even across some melodies.

He: Is it like you're on a journey underneath all that is happening round and about you?

She: I don't know. It's just like...I think I'm finally healing... like somehow I'm finally setting myself free from all the bondage I've placed upon me.

He: Or, more likely, had placed upon you. [Clears throat] So, are you finding some moments you're actually present, where you can feel and cherish things?

She: It's hard. A lot. But it's happening more frequently. And I'm finding connections where I thought they'd long since past.

He: Are you laughing more often?

She: Yes, and genuinely.

He: Are you beginning to see the lessons more clearly as you navigate your history?

She: Moment by moment, and without all the searching. It's like these moments that come to me are finally setting me free as I figure them out and accept them without judgment. There's just so many!

He: Never healing the wounds means each encounter was even more devastating. It's like a wounded horse staying in a race, his rider not stopping even though the horse is down to three legs. Next you know, the horse starts to get worse and worse off, every gallop is bringing defeat to his body and spirit. As there rider keeps going, the horse rides on bravely obeying his rider and as the rider drives him farther, one small pebble or clump of dust might be all it takes for the horse to fall down completely.

She: So, like, never taking a pause to understand the injury completely, let alone heal. And blaming myself for even getting injured each time as I forced myself to go on without understanding or healing, only applying external disciplines.... that's what's been making me so hollow, detached, and empty within?

He: Exactly. Take all the time you need. Pretty unique you've made it this long functioning with the analogy, huh?

She: Geez. Guess it is. Is it unique that I'm healing these things?

He: That you've never stopped searching for a way to heal, without any proper resources or diagnoses or guidance... that you've held onto finding a way to heal, knowing deep inside something wasn't quite right - that you didn't give up trying for THIS long - that's very unique.

She: So, do you think I'm a bad person?

He: What do you think?

She: I don't think I am. But I think I could've been perceived that way by being so disassociated, so dead inside, so unaware, so shattered, so weird that everything was a tremendous struggle for me. Oh, and quite more naive to things than most adds even more to the complexities I've been navigating. Because, given my age and the current century, not many understand that I'm kinda like a cave man, outta sync, place, and time.

He: You're over explaining again. Do you feel like you need to justify saying you think you're not a bad person?

She: Yeah, I'm still pretty insecure about how I'm seen or, like, taken...or, mostly, I want people to understand I'm just ... really different.

He: [silently thinking, Oh, they know you're different, sweetie. But you're right on their assumptions, they don't understand your story. How could they? How could anybody?] That's why you make it funny. But you've still got work to do on your opening. You been practicing it lately?

She: No, I still have a hard time seeing myself when I look in the mirror some days. It's hard to remember who I am a lot still. But it's getting easier.

He: And more clear. And happening more often. Have you done any rehearsing as you fall asleep?

She: When I'm not lost in longing, yes, definitely.

He: Ah, yes, the longing. It's from spending so much of your life with CPTSD amnesia among other things. You are recalling the things you missed because you couldn't be present when they were happening. That's part of the healing too.

She: Yeah, it does get confusing and makes me wanna run away again.

He: You're figuring out what keeps you steady now, aren't you?

She: Some things. Things are slow some days. Those are when I heal the most and feel the most whole and present. But that madness, that running girl, well, she tempts me to keep up with her.

He: Are you able to talk to her directly yet?

She: No, but I'm learning how to calm her down.

He: You're getting there. I'm so proud for you. Keep up the good work, sweetie.

She: Always. [she winks]

[memoriapraeteritorumbonorum]

Letters to Makalaurë - V

I am going to tell you a story, Makalaurë. One musician to another.

There is one piece I never finished playing. One piece that shatters me to my very core every time it falls on my ears. It may not sound like a big deal when I say it like this, but there is so much more to this story than what meets the eye.

The second I had heard the first keys being pressed, I had known I would never be the same. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was young, confused and frustrated. I didn't know where I was emotionally, at all. You see, Makalaurë, this piece touched me in ways I had never experienced before. I had never felt this way in my entire life. It was like some otherworldly force had decided to sprinkle some of its magic onto me. I felt the caress of welcoming arms holding me, reassuring me that everything would be alright. That it was okay to feel this way.

I felt seen, heard.

Never before had a piece comforted me so and ripped me apart at the same time like this. It reminded me of the loneliness that was eating away at my insides, but at the same time praising this feeling. This romance inherent in solitude.

Oh, how my soul would cry out every night, begging to just be held. To be seen. To be loved and understood. I had felt so very lost, and for the first time, something seemed to have found me. Some divine, motherly force. It felt like all these years spent longing for love and warmth had finally paid off. To this day, I cannot hold back my tears when hearing that familiar melody.

I decided I would take on that piece. That it would be more than just another project for my musical journey — it would be so much deeper, more significant. I decided that I would battle the tears. That this piece, that somehow brought out every ounce of pain I had ever felt in my life leading up to this moment, would be the epiphany that I had been desperately searching for. I would finally feel enlightened.

I have always been a very sensitive individual. You see, music would always bring tears to my eyes, from a young age. How many tears have fallen onto the keys of my piano. How many times have I punched them too hard out of frustration. How many times have I tried to tell my story through these melodies.

Lots of years have passed now. I evolved into a person that my younger self would be proud of. I have found other ways to express myself creatively, to take care of myself when nobody else does.

The loneliness never really went away after all, I'm afraid.

I still reminisce about the times spent playing. My pianist days have been over for a long time now, and while I know that I could easily take it up again if I really tried, something inside me tells me it's too late.

I feel shame.

Shame that I didn't keep the promise I made to myself all those years ago. In a way, I feel like I let myself down in more ways than I could describe to you now. I feel like I lost a part of myself and just watched her vanish right in front of my very eyes, knowing I could have changed that outcome, knowing I could have brought her back, taken her by the hand and let her know that I didn't forget about her like everybody else. That she is still relevant and wanted.

And yet, I watch as the dust accumulates on the closed keyboard cover of my beloved piano, which stands there in the corner now, all by itself.

It breaks my heart, Makalaurë, knowing how neglected it must feel. How out of tune it must sound. And still, I do not dare touch it. I have the sheet music hidden away somewhere, but I cannot bring myself to actually gaze upon it. It brings back so many memories that I wish I could relive and change. Do you ever feel like once you quit something you shouldn't take it up again?

I still feel lost. And intimidated. And this piece stitches everything back together. Temporarily, at least. Until I get reminded that I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Where I once couldn't go a day without playing, where playing to me was like breathing, I have now become estranged. I have this ever strong urge to just let my fingers glide across the keys like they last did. To feel the liberation, the ease of just letting go, of escaping into melodies as colorful as flower fields on a warm spring day. But every time I sit down in front of my piano, my once closest friend, I find myself frozen. Helpless. My fingers are heavy and unable to move, seemingly having forgotten every technique they have learned over the past twelve years.

It's as if I had never played at all.

Can I even call myself a musician?

[okamirayne]

I finished the entire BtB series (and HHU) about a week ago and it hasn't left my mind even once.

I'm not quite sure how to put my thanks into words: You managed to make me feel so obsessed with reading like when I was a kid. I stayed up until 4 am, had to literally force myself to sleep because I was (am!) so incredibly invested. No other piece of literature has done that since like... 6 years? I cried, screamed, laughed, gasped, blushed at so many scenes - the heartache was genuinely so beautiful.

I know the first part of BtB is quite old and your writing has improved a lot since then but all the parts read incredibly seamlessly.

I could *hear* the characters voices in my head while reading, picture the scenes like a movie in my head. The attention to detail and the accuracy of the characters makes me so incredibly happy. Usually when reading, I notice every single distraction going on around me and it's so rare that something pulls me in to the point I just zero in on the story.

There's a lot of scenes that stuck in my mind and to my surprise, I resonated most with your characterisation of Genma. I went in a die-hard Neji fan (and still am) and came out with a deep appreciation for Shikamaru and Genma. (That being said, I also really love then way you portray the other characters, especially Hiashi and Ibiki who I really didn't like before.)

Genma's story just... God it has my heartstrings in a death grip. His never-ending jack-assery and dirty jokes and the way Raido sees right through it.

The fact he held onto items important to him and related to the people he loved most...

The way he handled Shikamaru and Asuma and Kurenai's baby while still insisting he doesn't do well with children.

The way he made Kakashi say what he feels near the end of UtS in an ass-backwards way but a way that didn't allow for deception and empty words.

But, I think the moment that made me sob and laugh and feel the most was when he said "You ruined it" - that fucking killed me right then and there.

When I first met Genma in your story I was really sceptical and suspicious of him, thinking he was somehow the bad guy. And then I grew to love him and hurt for him. That was so extremely well done.

I also have to get off my chest that I love, love, love the way you described his drug trips (and Kakashi's little endeavor with medicines) as well as dreams and flashbacks. I find that these things are mostly feelings and oh so confused and confusing that it's hard to put into words but you genuinely excel at it.

I also love the transitions of dreams back to reality. Keyword here being "back". God, nothing hurt me more than reading that word in HHU. I think you know which scene I mean.

I also read through old asks and found out more about Naoki and Karibi. I love these two so much as well. Karibi struck me as very interesting and I'm glad I got to find out how she lived and died. Especially because HHU kind of alluded to her commiting or attempting suicide.

Naoki... My heart hurts for him. This poor, poor man. I'm so fucking glad he didn't have to die alone. He was so strong for Genma though, building him up, putting him on the right path and giving him a verbal slap for being an addict, giving Kakashi and him his blessings eventhough he used to be so possessive and protective of Genma.

His story really is tragically beautiful and incredibly complex. I really wanted him to live but realistically I knew it wasn't going to happen.

How old were Karibi, Naoki and Genma when they joined Team Yokai? When Inoichi saw Genma and Naoki kiss and Genma talks about his Senbon hitting certain nerves (hehe), they're said to be about 17 and I remember it being mentioned that Naoki took a while to "bottom" in bed due to his childhood trauma.

Also can we talk about the Tsubomi poem? That is so *beautiful*. Did it come easy to you or was it hard to write? It fits so incredibly perfectly to Naoki and Ino.

One thing that confuses me about the storyline is the epilogue of Requiem, where Genma has a flashback(?) about Shuken holding Naoki hostage and making him reveal his name. Could you explain to a confused-maybe-stupid-me when that takes place and how Genma and Naoki escape from that situation?

I can't stop gushing about your story so i won't:

Shuken's character is also so well written. When we first meet him in Shikamarus flashbacks, I was also oddly intrigued eventhough I had an idea about what sort of fucked up things he'd done to Shikamaru. You wrote his seductiveness really well. And then he reveals his age and I got *deeply* disturbed and as we learn more I just got more and more disturbed. The progression was so well done, I felt like I was sort of experiencing what Shikamaru was going through. The use of "Shika" sent cold shivers down my spine.

I also really loved your wheels within wheels and walls within walls metaphor for the ANBU. It creates such an amazing mental image that can be played around with so creatively.

Aaa. Okay. I think I got most of my thoughts down so far. I'm sure I'll come back to gush some more, maybe ask some more.

Thank you so much for this amazing story and all the work and hours you put into it. I can't wait to read more from you 💙

My dear @sunlightrays 💙💙 Thank you so much for both your patience with me as I finally secure the time to respond, and of course, for the phenomenal feedback you've given me. As expressed in my private DM. It impacted me immensely...and I am still moved and altered by it -- thank you. I will endeavour in this reply to answer your Qs to the best of my ability, given that I do tend to revert back into a blob of incoherent feels every time I revisit this message...💙

I know the first part of BtB is quite old and your writing has improved a lot since then but all the parts read incredibly seamlessly.

Oh dear lord...that first installment....*cringes* oh the temptation to rewrite it, luv...THE TEMPTATION....(aww, thank you though, I appreciate that you felt it all flowed together).

There's a lot of scenes that stuck in my mind and to my surprise, I resonated most with your characterisation of Genma. [...] Genma's story just... God it has my heartstrings in a death grip. His never-ending jack-assery and dirty jokes and the way Raido sees right through it.

Oh, luv, I do so love writing Genma and his respective relationships, whether platonic or romantic.

I'm so freaking happy you took a shine to his portrayal in BtB! The feedback you have given me with WHY and WHAT you loved about Genma's portrayal and story was just...I can't even begin to describe how nourishing that was to my writer's soul. If every writer were to receive this kind of feedback, I can see their proverbial cups running over with gratitude and inspiration. Thank you so, so much.

I also love the transitions of dreams back to reality. Keyword here being "back". God, nothing hurt me more than reading that word in HHU. I think you know which scene I mean.

Ah god damn, but you hit me hard with the love you showed my OCs. Thank you so, so much for that and for sharing what it was that drew you in -- especially with Naoki. 💗💗💗 (Even Shuken, dare I say)

How old were Karibi, Naoki and Genma when they joined Team Yokai?

13 to 14 years old. Naoki joined when he was 13, Karibi and Genma at 14. By the time they were assigned to Team Yokai, they were all 16.

When Inoichi saw Genma and Naoki kiss and Genma talks about his Senbon hitting certain nerves (hehe), they're said to be about 17 and I remember it being mentioned that Naoki took a while to "bottom" in bed due to his childhood trauma.

Correct! They'd have been 17/18 years old at that time. Age 19 is when Naoki tragically accepted Danzo's offer and was listed as KIA after his 'fake death'.

Re: intimacy issues. Right you are. Due to his childhood abuse, Naoki refused to "bottom" for the longest time. It took a hell of a lot for Genma to work through that with him. Karibi helped with this too.

Also can we talk about the Tsubomi poem? That is so *beautiful*. Did it come easy to you or was it hard to write? It fits so incredibly perfectly to Naoki and Ino.

Aww....I'm so touched you felt that way about Naoki's poem for Ino. It's such a tough question to answer. Anything that is deeply personal or painful for the characters always twinges my heartstrings when writing...but for Naoki, his guarded emotions came out in his seldom seen/heard creativity / art, so writing it was easy in the sense that it flowed into my head easily from the character, but it was hard in the sense that it reflected so much of Naoki's pain as well as his love.

One thing that confuses me about the storyline is the epilogue of Requiem, where Genma has a flashback(?) about Shuken holding Naoki hostage and making him reveal his name. Could you explain to a confused-maybe-stupid-me when that takes place and how Genma and Naoki escape from that situation?

Oh my dearest, YOU are in no way the confused-maybe-stupid party in this. In fact, "I" am the idiot who cut a LOT of scenes surrounding Naoki's torture at Shuken's hands and the escape situation *epic facepalm* In hindsight, I would love to go back and edit that by re-writing/editing and INCLUDING those scenes. I can see the holes there from the reader's perspective, and if I hadn't been operating like a runaway train at the time, I'd have slowed down to correct that error.

So, that scene where Genma has the nightmare flashback of Shuken holding Naoki hostage. Let me do a breakdown chronology as it's the easiest way my fucked-up spiderweb mind-map can be translated into a linear sequence....

Naoki gets stabby-happy with Shuken (plunges that needle into his neck) and fucks up his ROOT mission, but prioritises saving Shikamaru

Naoki needs Genma to "buy him time" while he tries to fix the trauma and everything coming undone in Shikamaru's head

So Genma goes happy-hunting on the Freak Show as Naoki deep dives into Shikamaru's brainpan

(DELETED SCENE) Naoki stablisies Shuken so the natural energy doesn't kill him. Then Naoki deep-dives into Shikamaru's brainpan and meets with some complications because of the natural energy swimming around inside him.

(cont. DELETED SCENE) Naoki tries to stabilise Shikamaru too, but gets interrupted mid-brain-and-body-fix by more Freak Show cross-breeds looking for bossman Shuken. Naoki can't complete what he's doing with Shikamaru and needs more time. He hides Shikamaru and takes out the opponents interrupting him before rushing to assist Genma

He assists Genma lol -- ends up getting injured (takes a nasty blow to his hip, if I recall)

He tells Genma he needs more time with Shikamaru to fix the kid

Genma is too busy freaking out about Naoki stabbing his mark/Shuken in the neck and the consequences of this action

They get interrupted by more Freak Show mutants, which sabotages Naoki's plan to regroup with Shikamaru and use the Nagu blood vial to get them the hell out

Naoki opts to stay behind to distract the Freak Show and give Genma time to get Shikamaru out, so he kisses Genma in a heated moment to shut him up and save time by connecting their minds where he " communicated in seconds what would've taken minutes to put into words; why Tenka had killed those children; where he'd hidden Shikamaru; what he'd tried to do to fix him; the secret route he planned to use to get them out; and lastly, what he was asking Genma to do – no, ordering him to do." -UtS

He tells Genma to get Shikamaru out, basically, even though he hasn't finished 'fixing' the kid. Naoki gets caught (DELETED SCENE)

Genma does as he's ordered, only he can't bring himself to leave Naoki behind again so after crossing through the portal so Shuken can't reach the kid, he hides and secures Shikamaru (DELETED SCENE) and returns to go and help Naoki, letting himself get caught in the process

Naoki in the meantime has been at Shuken's mercy (or lack thereof) and is receiving a traitor's punishment (DELETED SCENE) -- it is at this point that Genma's flashback dream comes into play where Shuken is starting to shown signs of transmogrification due to the natural energy in his system (think Sound Four on steroids) and wants to know Genma's name and where he stashed Shikamaru

(LONG DELETED SCENE) Meanwhile, Kurayami is borne in Shikamaru's consciousness and THAT is the person that wakes up when Shikamaru finally comes to. He secures himself some Nagu blood, re-enters the portal and goes on the hunt for Shuken

(HUGE DELETED SCENE - hinted at in Genma's memories when he's talking to Tsunade) Shikamaru/Kurayami finds Shuken. He goes for Shuken like a heat-seeking missile, taking out mutants as he goes, unintentionally freeing Genma in the process, his shadows bringing chaos. He does damage. A lot of it. But in the last minute Naoki comes between Shuken and Shikamaru and gets Shuken's knife in the back. Shuken is out for the count after that. Naoki, knife in back, prioritises clamping his hands to Shikamaru's head, trying to shut down Kurayami and lock the alter away, as the whole building is coming down.

This was Naoki's last bid effort to try to save Shikamaru's mind by sealing off all the alters, knowing he didn't have time to integrate them.

Shocked Genma snaps into Kaika mode and gets his shit together, scooping up unconscious Shikamaru and running like a mo-fo with Naoki in tow

Naoki can't run any further, he falls and is bleeding out, tells Genma to run one last time and get the kid to safety, reminding him that Shikamaru can't be allowed to remember etc. Makes Genma swear an oath to him.

Though it costs him his heart, Genma does as he's told one final time. And it's too late to go back again after getting Shikamaru to safety at last. He believes Naoki is dead.

Phew! Sorry for that LONG list. I hope it clarifies for you those missing/deleted scenes, sweetie? Sorry again for any confusion. I own that as a big mistake on my part; sadly at the time, the mammoth wordcount and my runaway brain steamrolled ahead. In hindsight, I'd absolutely fix those gaps upon revision.

Aaa. Okay. I think I got most of my thoughts down so far. I'm sure I'll come back to gush some more, maybe ask some more.

You are most welcome to, luv. I am delighted and humbled by your interest and your huge support for my fic. Thank you for your patience with my response and thank you again, so, SO much for such an outstanding response to my insane contribution to the Naruto fandom.

I am grateful beyond measure and meant every single word I wrote you in that DM. I repeatedly revisit this review and I shall for as long as I write. 💗💗💗 Thank you.

[yearofglass]

Kiss the Carnage: A Stu x Billy Fanfic. Chapter 1

They did it.

Somehow, by some miracle above, they managed to pull off this whole situation flawlessly, and no one was the wiser. To the the town of Woodsboro and to the rest of the nation, he and Billy were the only surviving victims of a heinous murder suicide plot by a crazed, merciless killer.

Stu couldn't believe it.

Sure, he had almost died in the process but what was some bloodshed in the grand scheme of things? His wounds were much more serious than Billy's, but it didn't matter. Surely Billy hadn't meant to nearly kill him. Stu clutched at his bandaged, healing abdomen as thin fingers deftly stroked through his hair.

He was laying on his side, long legs bent at the knee as his head rest on Billy's jean-clad thigh. Ever since that fateful conclusive night a couple of weeks ago his shorter friend had been much more touchy feely, insisting that Stu be in physical contact him nearly all the time they were alone together. Which was suddenly a much more common occurrence, what with all their former friends being dead. Stu could privately admit he missed them, but the first and only time he spoke his thoughts on the matter aloud to Billy he ended up with a pair of hands tangled around his throat squeezing just hard enough to not cause bruises but enough to wrench the air from him. The threat was clear.

"Don't you EVER say that again."

At times like this though, the tall boy couldn't complain. It was silent in the bedroom they were in, and comfortable. Billy idly stroking his hair while Stu slipped in and out of consciousness. It was nice. He wished it meant something more, but he was sure his friend was just feeling starved of physical affection now that Sydney was no longer around. Nothing more.

Stu could be a substitute until Billy found his rhythm again.

(Though why that thought hurt almost as much as Billy stabbing him he wasn't sure. It was probably best left alone.)

A voice rose him from his state of half-conciousness. "...Stu."

He didn't open his eyes. "Mm? Yeah? Wha's up?"

The hand moving back and forth in his hair paused. "I was thinking. About the sequel."

Stu opened an eye at that and slightly angled his head to look up at Billy. The brunet was staring out the window, seemingly at nothing. It would've been too dark out to see much at that time of night anyways. Stu's house was far away from other sources of light, not even a streetlight around for the next mile to cast a glimmer on the ground. "Oh. Sure, yeah, what about it?"

The dull, nonplussed look in Billy's eyes didn't change. "What if we went after your folks?"

His other eye shot open at that, a chill running down his spine, and he began trying to sit up abruptly, wincing at the pain in his abdomen from the sudden movement. "Hey, hey, uh, let's not be too hasty there man! Why d'ya-"

He was cut off as the hand in his hair turned into an excruciating grip, fingers winding around in the short strands and roughly pulling Stu back down onto Billy's lap, cry muffled as his face was smushed into the toned thigh.

"Listen here, fuckwad. They're catching onto us. I know you're too stupid to notice, but I have. It's plain as day. The way they look at us, the way their eyes follow me around everytime I'm over here. They're figuring something out. In case I haven't made it clear enough, if someone found us out that'd be bad. Very bad. Did that get through your pea size brain or do I have to repeat myself?

Stu's eyes watered from the sharp sensation of his hair follicles being tugged so roughly at as his irises darted up to look at Billy's face.

His friend's eyes were no longer dull or nonplussed. He gulped at the crazed glint in Billy's dark glare and the shadow that fell over his otherwise expressionless face.

"Clear," He mumbled out the best he could, lips mashed against the jeans beneath him.

Billy expression changed so quickly it nearly gave him whiplash, glare replaced just like that with a soft smile that still held an underlying smugness to it. "Right. Good boy."

Stu's heart skipped a beat, face flushing deeply as he attempted to look away from his friend to no avail. Though Billy wasn't pulling at his hair anymore thankfully, there was no way he was goung to be allowed to move his head away unless he wanted to end up with a chunk of hair missing in the process.

And he knew he had to keep one of his assets around. After all, when Billy was ready to find his next girl to satisfy him, Stu would have to move on and let go of... whatever this thing was. And the ladies loved the hair, it seemed.

And Stu knew it would help secure the next whore he would fuck, zeroing only in on their brown eyes while pretending they were another darker and more dangerous pair, just like he had done so many times with Tatum before.

So Stu let his head continue resting on Billy's thigh, desperately trying to somehow will his blush away. "Don't- don't call me that, man!"

The brunet leaned his head back in laughter, before looking down at Stu again and smirking, cocking his head to the side sightly. "But why? You are being a good boy."

Stu's cheeks flamed even redder but before he could respond Billy's eyes widened before they narrowed cruelly, a twisted smile on his face. "You know, you should really be more aware of where your head is at"

Stu frowned, eyes moving away from Billy's face to directly in front of him, to come face to face with Billy's crotch.

He recoiled immediately only to be met with a searing pain on his scalp, a high pitch yelp escaping his mouth as Billy tugged him back even closer to his crotch.

"Oh? What's this? Coming back for more I guess," He sneered down at Stu, lip curling, cruel amusement in the black pools of his eyes. "What a pervert. You're no different from all those sluts that flock around you, are you?"

Stu's eyes watered for a second time that night, but not from physical pain this time. A small whimper escaped him and he scolded himself for letting the show of weakness show. Billy leaned down until he was low enough for his lips to brush the shell of Stu's ear. "You know, tomorrow's the first time we'll be back at school since the incident," he whispered, breath fanning across Stu's skin, sending butterflies to his stomach. "Are you going to be able keep your cool? When all the whores swarm you, asking "Oh Stu, is it true? Are you alright? Please oh please tell me exactly how it went down. Say, isn't it weird how two of your previous girlfriends were victims?" Billy laughed softly. "What are you going to do then? Better stick with me. I'll handle it."

A tear escaped Stu's eye. "Yeah, uh... yeah man. You do it. I trust you."

Billy withdrew from his bent over position. "Good. You always can. After everything that's gone down, I'm really the only one you can trust." He released his grip on Stu's completely, pulling his hand back to run his fingers through his own messy hair. Stu blinked and cautiously sat up, moving slowly with not only his present injuries in mind, but ones Billy could potentionally inflict upon him as well.

His friend had been especially unpredictable tonight. He didn't feel like taking any chances.

"Okay," He said, eyes trained on Billy like a frightened animal. "I'm gonna just head to the other room an' sleep 'cause I'm majorly tired-"

"Why would I give a shit?" Billy didn't look at him, head turned to gaze out the window again.

Stu opened his mouth once before closing it, taking it as his cue to leave without speaking and nodded instead.

He closed the door as he exited and moved to his room, locking his own door behind him and sitting down on the edge of his mattress. He let out a breath and sighed, before tugging his shirt over his head and throwing it off onto the ground on the other side of the room.

Grimacing he placed his hands lightly over the mess of bandages and gauze arranged on his stomach and torso.

It was times like these he could wonder if Billy truly didn't mean to nearly leave him for dead. If instead he actually meant to kill him then and there.

It was times like these he half wishes he never met Billy Loomis in the first place.