#and i'm like ok so you want me to break out my notes from grad level calc-based statistics for stats phd students right?

[wickedhawtwexler]

i'm doing some hardcore prep for my interview tomorrow and y'all. i just love math. it's just so satisfying to look at something that is taken for granted and prove WHY it's true

[celestie0]

what kind of things do you do at a research lab? sounds like it kinda pays good. also, how was that presentation you had to give a few days ago? 🤔

hiii bb thanks for askingg the presentation went okay it was pretty brief lol i just had to present for something my PI has been researching haha it only took like fifteen minutes

OUU my job is so boring but yes i will indeed yap about it. yeah so i think my day to day varies a lot but i'm a research assistant n help out the doctorates/post doctorates with prepping things for their research so it's like. grunt work LOL but yeah stuff like purifying proteins (i purify a lot of fruit fly proteins since that's the model organism the biochem phd students i work with use) it's just a lot of pipetting and chromatography to make a bunch of little samples that the grad students can use to run their experiments!! some other stuff i do often is do plasmid transformation with agar plates, usually for the botany grad student i work w since he's researching transgenic plants for sustainable agriculture (his research is my faveee it's srs so interesting n he has like a whole walk-in plant chamber at work it's so cute lol) but anyway most of making agar plates is just......suspending n then centrifuging n then suspending n centrifuging SFKJSHL it's boring. yeah n then making buffer solutions, restocking other equipment n calibrating machines, all that stuff

that's kinda 50% of what i do where i'm on my feet, but the rest of it i'm just at my desk n helping my PI w proofreading his research notes bc he doesn't know english very well so i help him out w that even tho technically it's not part of my actual job LOL but it helps me get more hours in at least bc otherwise i'd be working very less. i only have two other coworkers w the same role as me so we try to split up work so my PI doesn't realize it's a one person job n fires two of us but sometimes there isn't much work to split hahah or one of us just accidentally does too much n then the next time i go in im like...there's nothing to do SDJKFHSDK it's kind of case by case cuz the grad students are really bad at telling us what they want us to do ahead of time lol. but still all in all it's pretty cool n def more chill than the hospital jobs i've worked haha

pay is a bit better than most part time jobs for sure, i get $24/hr (idc ab wage transparency hahah) and i work around 25 hrs a week. i used to work a different job after i graduated from july-december of last year that was full time but it was tooooo far from home i had zero work life balance so i just switched to this one n yea it's less hours but that's ok, tbh i kinda wanted a bit of a break before i go back to school and the lighter schedule has been nice. i think it's really helped w my post grad burnout sfkshdkfjd

HOPE THIS DIDN'T BORE YOU TO DEATH IT'S JUST NO ONE'S EVER ASKED ME THIS QUESTION BEFORE NOT EVEN MY FRIENDS LOL SO I GOT CARRIED AWAY thanks for ur ask bb<333

[raideo]

Issey drama anon here, please tell us about Romance Doll because I have not heard anything about it

also, have you heard of Quartet? I've seen like 50 gifsets from it and it seems legit funny as hell

UMMM WELL- I'll put my thoughts on Romance Doll under a break at the end because the movie is pretty nsfw and weird and yeah...

Quartet is on my list! I'm definitely going to watch it at some point, but I also really wanna watch Miracles! Honestly that one has been the most interesting to me from the beginning but my adhd is just causing me to watch whatever's convenient first, not the ONE IVE REALLY WANTED TO WATCH THIS WHOLE TIME. I still have to finish Koisenu Futari too... I stopped that one cuz I was watching it with someone and we had a long period of time where we couldn't watch it. And then also it's just VERY HEAVY as a person who happens to be demi who has gone through periods of feeling like I could be aroace in the past. It's so realistic and deals with the painful things as well as the funny things and I am scared to finish it bc I KNOW THERES MORE HEAVY SHIT TO COME but it's an amazing show AND I DO WANT TO FINISH THAT ONE TOO.

And on a completely polar opposite note: ROMANCE DOLL, LMAO

Ok so, this movie is very much one of those WEIRDLY REALISTIC stories where all the characters are so real and flawed and HUGE MISTAKES ARE MADE by characters and it's just such a wild ride. You probably haven't heard about it because its FUCKING WACK.

Without giving too much away in case you wanna watch it (netflix dropped it last monday, which is actually why I ended up watching it over the weekend at all, but it's still available to rent on amazon 🙄) Issey plays Tetsuo, an unemployed art college grad who is desperate for a job. His friend gave him a tip about this sketchy job opening but told him literally nothing else about it. He shows up and this old woman greets him and shows him around and he's a bit shocked to find out it's a shop that makes SILICONE SEX DOLLS. The woman is like "your friend didn't tell you that???" And Tetsuo was like "he literally just said there was a job here-" and she laughs and says "Some friend he is then!" Honestly I loved the old lady she's great, I wish I could remember her name I'm too lazy to go look it up rn.

Anyway so yeah, he takes the job even though the interview was super awkward and there's this gross pervy old guy who works there and he doesn't really care about the subject matter he just needs money (mood)

One thing and another happens (and a lot of me wanting to slap the old man into next tuesday, seriously he's the worst) and a little bit later Tetsuo meets the love of his life through some bullshit connection to his job, and they end up getting married some time after, but she doesn't know what he does for a living and ITS ALL VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY HE KEEPS THAT FROM HER without spoiling things but just- the movie is wack, I really didn't like it in the beginning but it pulls a complete 180 and ends up being this weirdly emotional and AT TIMES, a holesome wholesome slice of life movie??

Don't get me wrong it doesn't sugarcoat things like objectification of women and there's some degree of realistic portrayal of that bc of the whole Tetsuo working at a sex doll shop thing, it is very true to life- how men can be gross even if they aren't going so far as assaulting anyone. It doesn't excuse it either it just presents it as it is, which is good I think. But then there are OTHER moments where the movie is very sex positive- so its a wild fucking trip tbh. Definitely don't watch it if you have sensitivities to the things I mentioned above bc bro omg the first half almost had me like "yeah I can't watch this" a couple times jfc.

BASICALLY by the end of the movie the message is that communication and being open with people you love (and not getting bogged down with anxiety and guilt) is important, because on top of not being fair to the people who are important to you, hiding things from them can eat you up inside and make you act irrationally and hurt them even more whether you realize it or not. And also, you never know how someone will feel about the things you don't want to tell them. Something that could be huge to you could be no big deal to another.

Its just a very interesting movie. I don't know if I'd recommend it, theres some NUCLEAR SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT CRINGE MOMENTS like oh my god i wanted to die- and like I said above, there's lots of intense subject matter and some not so pretty moments that a lot of people may want to avoid. Id for sure check one of those sites that gives content warnings before watching bc hoo boy...

But all that aside, once again Issey is an incredible actor and his range is apparent in this movie. I saw some like- borderline SLAPSTICK physical comedy moments that had me so surprised bc he did them so well but its so new and different from anything else ive watched him star in. Dude is just unstoppable tbh. He HAS 👏 THE 👏 RANGE!! 👏

Also you get to see him naked a lot. So there's that!

[violette-lewis]

I'm going into my second year of grad school as a master's thesis student in the US, hopefully finishing my Christmas. I'm considering starting a PhD program in August 2024, how do I prepare for my PhD (it's in a totally different field) and how do I recover from 5 straight years of university with no summers off so I don't burnout fast in my PhD program?

Hello, thank your for your question! Ok wow that is a lot, you are a hard-working and ambitious person, good qualities for a PhD.

The PhD is all about reading what's already there surrounding that topic. If you want to get ready for it, you can start reading scientific articles, books, essays about the topic in question (obviously add them to a reference app like OneNote or Zotero). Take a few notes of what you read so that you will remember it in a few months/years. Depending on where you go, you can ask the current PhD students what softwares they are using, because you might be asked to use the same ones. Learning how to use a software takes a while. You will also need a healthy routine and balance, I mean enough sleep, healthy food, some breaks during your day. A PhD is a marathon, a silent war. It's all about planning and doing a little every day. As I procrastinate a lot, it is hard for me but I still manage to get things done because I am really good at lab work and writing fast. If you can have a nice time off before starting a PhD to recharge your energy, that would be ideal.

Ah yes, not burning out. I know how in the US, PhDs are hard and all about finding grants. During your first-year, take courses if you can, to learn how to write grant applications, papers and stuff like that. Organise your time in a reasonable manner, always assume it's going to take you two or three times the expected time. You will need academic friends with whom you can vent about your PhD, and non-academic friends to remind yourself that not everyone does what you do, and that there are other things in life. Practicing some sport to release the pressure is quite good for your mental health. Also, take the holidays if you know you have holidays (In the UK, we are allowed five weeks per year), they are here for a reason.

[ballet-symphonie]

Follow Up on Fethon Mizzoi's post

I'm not going to be giving my opinion about whether I think Russian students should be allowed to compete at PDL because that's a whole complicated situation that I'm honestly not prepared to discuss and I know I don't have the answers to. However, since so many people have asked, I will break down his statement a bit further.

Are there non-Russian ballet schools that produce highly capable dancers, absolutely. Do Russians have the tendency to discredit them and their students to hold up their own, absolutely. That being said, Vaganova Ballet Academy has been consistently reluctant in terms of sending its students to competitions, specifically competitions that are not in-house or held in Russia. Important to note: If someone wants to compete at a major ballet competition, they generally need to be officially 'sent' or nominated by the school itself, you can't just sign yourself up unless you want to compete as an 'independent' which is generally looked down upon.

Thoughts on Why Vaganova Ballet Academy isn't Winning:

Generally, VBA's 'top' students either don't go or have pulled out at the last minute with injury or some other issue. I'm thinking about that now *iconic* year of Ludmilla V. Kovaleva grads in 2018, where they had 4 girls who are now MT soloists (Khoreva, Ionova, Bulanova, Nuikina). Yes, Khoreva got injured and didn't end up going, but they certainly could have sent someone in her place? Or even two of them from the start (the 'favored' school(s) that Mizzoi alludes to generally send several competitors yearly) Or any of them the next year?

Similarly, Lizi Avsajanishvili was sent to compete but pulled out at the last minute. Her classmate Anastasia Smirnova was never sent. The same applies to Ksenia Zhiganshina who had done zillions of competitions as a young student. Yet they were willing to send someone like Laura Fernandez-Gromova twice? Now, why is that?

Nikolai M. Tsiskaridze, Rector of the Academy, for all he has done to foster a relationship with the competition, never sent his own students. A major missed opportunity IMO as he has graduated a LOT of foreigners recently that could likely have benefited from the exposure to European companies. In fact, the VBA students who have been the most successful in recent times are foreigners, perhaps this is because they know they're not 'guaranteed' MT contracts in the same ways their Russian classmates are and often have limited opportunities for growth comparatively. Now, most of Tsiskaridze's guys are sitting in MT corps, walking around holding swords in the background, and generally doing nothing. So no, VBA isn't winning, but they're generally not sending their "best and brightest" onto that stage.

The 'biggest' name that has been sent recently is Alena Kovaleva, but she wasn't 'supposed' to be a star. She was in a desperate situation, having already been told that MT wouldn't be taking her because she was too tall. And she didn't even make finals, was that politics? Who knows? I'd argue not, because she was quite weak in contemporary and perhaps didn't choose the best variation.

Thoughts on Why VBA Doesn't Send their Stars:

Now part of me knows why they don't send their top students: they want to keep them for MT. Arguably, VBA students don't 'need' the benefits of PDL to have a great career due to the pedigree and connections that come with a VBA diploma. Now I personally think that VBA still wants the attention and wants everyone to acknowledge "Russian Ballet" as the best. But you can't have it both ways, either VBA management sends more students which gives them chances to be recognized/acknowledged by the western audience but also opens the door for their students to head elsewhere. The school would have to be ok with some of its best talents choosing to leave Russia and not dance for Russian theaters. Keep in mind, that VBA is responsible for producing government-employed dancers to fill the government-funded, highly respected theaters. How foolish do they look if their best students start jumping ship to go abroad?

About PDL Favoritism:

This is where Fethon's argument has a bit more merit, there is favoritism all over this competition. You can see it in their preselection events, the jury, and certain schools they partner with, especially when you look at the top winners from the past decade. There are certainly... common schools that appear a lot and that are known to have influence. There are schools that have shifted their curriculum to prepare their students for this competition. PDL is a big deal, and it can open lots of doors.

And if I'm going to be honest sometimes I've watched, checked the results, and thought hmmm would *this person* really have gotten that high of a prize (or any prize at all) if they were from a different school? But it's not like VBA hasn't had a working relationship with PDL in the past. The two have been explicitly connected. The PDL literally hosted pre-selection events at the Vaganova Academy during the Vaganoxa Prix (pre-pandemic, has not been repeated since). VBA scholarships are consistently offered and accepted to candidates. Of course, Mizzoi doesn't mention this, it doesn't fit the narrative. There absolutely is a lot of favoritism going on, and certain schools benefit more than others but VBA certainly isn't exempt from it.

[thecandlesticksfromlesmis]

My sister's college's theater group decided to FILM their musical one person at a time and edit it together(!!) and I'm in engineering grad school, and am aware that art school is a v v different experience but this made me think: how are you guys doing this? Are you ok? How do you learn to direct if there can't be two people on screen together? Is it like the Tom Holland thing where he didnt know who was in scenes with him? Are the editing students happy about this? If you dont want to answer I totally get it but I'm asking because engineering not in person kills me so I just. Can't fathom what you're doing. I wish you the best 💙

HEY omg yeah it’s a mess. It’s been a mess since this all started and I think it will continue to be a mess for the rest of this year. 

Rest of post under the cut cause I’m just ranting.

So when everything first hit, all filmmaking was stopped completely, which for me as a screenwriter was fine because I am not required to be on set unless I wrote the script (or have been bamboozled into script supervising ugh) anyway. But I know it hurt literally every other discipline, especially cinematographers because they need to touch cameras in order to learn and the school provides all their tech. 

Towards the end of last year, the school started back up with productions, making it mandatory for all the films to be shot on our big sound stages (usually we have free rein of all of LA and a little outside it in shoot in) and to include a COVID safety supervisor. Our sound stages were upgraded with new air ventilation systems and the school also rented out other stages to accommodate the huge number of shorts that needed to be shot. 

In order to be on set you had to have proof of a negative COVID test and have isolated in your home for two weeks before shooting. On set was a big production of face shields and masks and sanitizer and staying six feet away from each other---except for the actors. The actors could be in scenes together, provided they did all the steps above and agreed to be close to someone in a scene.

No one is happy lmao. It’s pushed back thesis schedule SO MUCH, that lots of people in my class will still be having to shoot and finish thesis after we technically graduate this year. Technically, I’m still responsible for writing a script for a project that was cancelled and removed from the “you need to do this to graduate” list. It’s been rescheduled to shoot in August when I will be rigorously prepping for the huge event where I pitch all my project to industry execs. I don’t wanna do it, but my whole team still wants to so ya know 🤷🏼‍♂️

I have no clue how the fuck the production designers are functioning. I hope they’re still able to go to the school to access the building stations and literally all their materials. Editors have to go into the school to do their work because AVID costs so much money and no one is gonna buy it personally and that’s what they edit on! Directors are being dramatic as usual (lol I love some of them but goooood the shit they’ve put writers through y’all). 

Basically, it’s all around absolutely NOT what we signed up for to earn our masters. This school’s big selling point is hands on, collaborative work, and it’s really tough to do that now. Writers have less to deal with, but what I wouldn’t give to be sitting in workshop, giving notes to people in conversation form, rather than trying to have a natural dialogue over zoom. It sucks! And I miss my friends. 

There was this beautiful room on campus, that was a “no talking zone” in the library, that I used to work in every day. It was a room full of screenplays--like stacked shelves top to bottom of bound screenplays, some original behind glass doors, some signed by writers. It was really good place for me to focus on what I came here to do. I really really miss it. It made me feel a part of something! I have barely left my house for a year and now all the words I’ve written are trapping in our one bedroom apartment and it’s so stifling. The stories are blending together and GOD I can’t wait to get a break. 

I’m burnt out and tired of the one thing I know how to do. 

But I’m going to end this on a bright note! Mike and I are getting our second shot soon, we’re working on a film project right now, I’m finishing drafts of stories I’ve been working on for so long. If everything was the way it was before all this, the things I’m accomplishing would feel so small and not impressive. But now I’m realizing just how hard they really are to finish, and I should be less hard on myself in the future! 

Anyway, thanks for asking! Hope engineering grad school is going well. I’m sure it’s hard with all this going on too! Wishing you the best 💚 

[spencers-dria]

Trauma

Someone To Stay Ch. 9

Spencer x fem reader

It's been several weeks since Y/N and I started our weekly movie nights. After starting Harry Potter we decided that we would keep watching our way through the series until we finished them. Last week I was out of town on all of her days off, but tonight we get to watch our favorite together, Prisoner of Azkaban. Seeing as we both love Halloween, this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Last time I had asked to borrow her Harry Potter cookbook. As a surprise I've been cooking pumpkin pasties. I normally don't do much cooking, but this was well worth it. Movie night has become incredibly casual, so i slip into some purple pajama pants and a black t shirt before driving to her apartment. We decided movie nights would all take place at her apartment, seeing as she had the nice TV with a decent sound system. I had previously spent almost all my time reading, so all I had was my mom's old TV tucked away in the corner, only used when I felt the need to binge Dr. Who.

It's not long before i'm knocking at her door, warm snacks ready to go. She opens the door and looks down with a huge grin.

"Are those what I think they are?"

I nod, glad to see she's excited about them. After a moment I notice a pleasant smell wafting from the kitchen.

"You made something too?" I peek my head into the kitchen hoping to discover the source of the scent.

Y/N pulls out two mugs topped with foam, smiling like a giddy little kid. We both take a sip, and I feel the warmth filling me up as I take in the drink that tastes like Autumn in a cup. I've never had butter-beer before, but this is perfect. I look up to see whipped cream coating Y/N's upper lip, and based on the laugh she's holding back, I would guess I am sporting the same foam mustache. We both bust out in laughter. Something about spending time with Y/N makes me feel like a kid again. I know I can share my knowledge with her and she actually encourages me to do it quite often. But she also makes me feel like I can be goofy and silly and just have fun. I had almost forgotten what that feels like.

After we each curl up on our end of the couch with blankets and pillows, I can't help but realize how happy I have been having her as a friend in my life. Something about this realization pulls my mind in the opposite direction, and I suddenly find myself remembering why happiness feels like such a long forgotten stranger...Maeve. The name had not crossed my thoughts in weeks. This realization leaves me with a guilt that sits like a pit in my stomach. Before I know it, I am no longer focused on my favorite Harry Potter movie, but am spiraling into a dark hole once again. I lose myself so far into my thoughts that I almost don't notice that Y/N has stopped the movie and is staring straight at me.

I turn to her. "What is it?"

Y/N furrows her brow, a deep look of concern filling her eyes.

"Spencer, you're crying."

"I am?" I reach up to feel the wet streaks left behind on my cheek. I hadn't even realized. Now not only have I been crying in front of Y/N, but she knows something is wrong. Knowing her, she won't let this go so easily. I also doubt she'll buy any lie I try to feed her. She may not be a profiler, but she sure knows when someone she cares about isn't being genuine with her.

Luckily, she must also know me better than I realize. She doesn't push me too hard for information. She scoots over to my side of the couch before laying a hand on my shoulder. I keep my eyes glued to my lap, avoiding eye contact as best I can. I'm afraid that if I look into her eyes now, I'll completely fall apart. Something about telling your friends about your trauma makes it very real, and I don't want to relive that day, not again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure..." I answer honestly.

Instead of pushing me, she moves her hand to rub my back as we sit there in silence. Something about the kindness of this gesture finally breaks me. I let my head fall into my hands as tears start streaming down my face, and I don't even bother trying to stop them. I can't hold this back anymore, not from someone who's become like a best friend to me.

We sit there just like that for several minutes, Y/N silently rubbing my back, me crying like a big baby. Part of me feels embarrassed, breaking down like this, but the other part is too tired from holding all of this back to even care anymore.

Finally, I think my body has run out of tears when I hear Y/N say "What can I do? What do you need?" It's so quiet I almost miss it.

"Her name was Maeve." I am surprised to hear the words leave my mouth. I glance over to Y/N to gauge her reaction, but she's only sitting there, listening patiently.

"I started getting these headaches. They became so crippling that they started affecting my work. It scared me because...well my mom is schizophrenic. I guess I have always been a little paranoid about showing symptoms. The doctors ran tests, labs, scans...everything they could think of. As a last resort I reached out to this geneticist. After a bit of correspondence, it wasn't difficult to see that she was brilliant. She seemed to enjoy keeping in touch, so we would write one another letters. We eventually started calling one another. But...she had a stalker. She didn't know who it was or what they wanted, but she was scared. That's why we wrote letters. And I only ever called her from telephone booths, never the same one twice. I ended up sharing a large part of my life with her... One time before hanging up the phone she even said "love you" like it was the most normal thing in the world. I never said it back, but even if what I felt was love I never got the chance to say it to her. Her stalker was a former grad student, and she got to Maeve before I could."

I stop and take in a deep breath, swallowing the growing lump in my throat before continuing.

" She shot herself in front of me, killing Maeve along with her. It was the first time I had ever seen her in person too. It happened a couple months ago. Every time I think i've moved on it feels like the pain starts all over again. I sometimes feel guilty for even trying to move on, for ever being happy."

Y/N doesn't say a word as she lets me speak. She just nods, taking in every word. After a couple minutes of silence, she lets out a large breath before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Spencer, I can't pretend to even come close to understanding what you are going through. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could tell you when the pain will go away, but the truth is it will probably never fully leave you. Trauma has a way of sticking with us. We learn how to process it and cope with it more efficiently, but it's never truly gone. Now I can't pretend to know what Maeve would have wanted for you, but as your friend who's with you now I want to tell you its okay to be happy. Its also okay to not be okay sometimes. No one has it together all of the time. It's ok to talk about it, to cry about it, and there's no right or wrong time. Trauma has a way of sneaking up on us, triggering us when we least expect it. And whatever you need to be ok, whatever you need to do in order to deal with this, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. You can always call me if you need to talk or come over. Even if you just need a distraction from it, if you find yourself slipping into a dark place, you can call me, and we will talk about literally anything else or go find somewhere to grab dessert or watch a movie. If you need someone to just sit with you, I'll be there. What I'm trying to say is whenever you're ready, just tell me what you need and I'll be there for you."

I feel like I could cry again, but luckily I don't. Instead, I turn on the couch to face Y/N and just pull her in for a hug, resting my head on her shoulder. This alone is all I need to at least be okay, even if just for tonight. As someone who lives alone, my only real family living across the US, no one ever really knows just how much I crave touch. It's not exactly like I can just approach JJ, Garcia, or Morgan and say "Hey I could really use a hug today." It's a love language for me, but I go weeks without touching a single person. It wears me down sometimes. Sitting here, hugging Y/N, is the most comforted I have felt in a really long time.

I want to tell her the other reason I'm struggling. About the cravings I have to battle when things are already emotionally challenging. I decide I'm not ready to share that quite yet. It's not that i don't trust her, but if it's going to affect the way she sees me, I want to put that off as long as possible.

I also take a minute to go over the words she's said to me. I can't help but notice her tone, her body language, the look on her face. She may be great at comforting people, especially since it's part of her job, but those were the words of someone who knew. She spoke from a place of fully understanding trauma, which tells me one thing: She has had trauma of her own. I make a mental note to bring it up later. I don't want to push her, but I want to make sure she knows she has the same support from me incase she ever needs to talk.

We sit there for a few more minutes, her arms wrapped around me. My breathing eventually slows down as I try to get my sniffles under control. I feel my head start to pound from how hard I have been crying. I sit back to rub my hands into my temples. Y/N stands up and makes her way into the kitchen, returning a couple minutes later with a cold water bottle, a box of tissues, and some aspirin.

She starts to walk out of the room before turning to me.

"I think I've got something that might help you feel a little better. It can't heal with heartbreak, but maybe it can help you to relax and take your mind off everything, if even for a little while."

"Y/N, you take care of people all day at work you don't have to..,"

"Hey!" She cuts me off before I can finish. "Why do you think I became a nurse huh? I enjoy taking care of people. And if I can help, even just a little, I won't feel so completely useless in this situation."

"Y/N, you've already helped. Just listening, being here with me. But I guess its no use arguing with you, you're too stubborn." A small breathy laugh leaves my nose and I glance up to see a small smile before she steps out of the room.

She returns a few minutes later and doesn't say a word. Instead she grabs both my hands and pulls me off the couch, leading me into the guest bathroom.

A take a look around at everything she had gotten ready.

"A bubble bath?" I shoot her a look of uncertainty.

"Just trust me okay." She rolls her eyes playfully. "I'll be in the living room. Just shout if you need me okay?"

I decide to just go with it. She leaves, shutting the door behind her and flipping of the lights. The room is suddenly glowing in light from candles scattered all around the bathroom. After slipping into the bath, I tense up at how hot the water is before it finally relaxes all my muscles. Breathing in, I notice the smell of eucalyptus and lavender filling the air. There is also a bluetooth speaker in the corner, softly playing zen spa music with the trickle of a rain in the background.

I have to admit, this is the most relaxed I have felt in...well I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. Baths always seemed a bit girly, but this was incredibly therapeutic. I may have to try this again after my next difficult case.

When I finally decide to get out, I realize I'll have to change back into the same clothes. I quickly realize Y/N had also laid out a  star wars t shirt and black sweatpants for me. She thought of everything. With her being on the taller side and enjoying baggy clothes, they actually fit me fairly well.

When I finally step back into the living room she looks up at me and grins.

"Looking good Dr. Reid!"

She never calls me that, and for some reason it makes me blush just slightly. She pats the spot next to her on the couch, signaling for me to come over.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Umm I wasn't sure about the whole bath thing but... I feel fantastic actually! How did you know that would help?"

"When you do what I do, you have to find multiple ways to unwind" she laughs.

I glance down at the shirt I'm wearing.

"So Star Wars huh?"

Y/N smirks "Are you really that surprised?"

I answer with a laugh "No I suppose not."

"Well I hope you like them too, because that's what I had lined up when it was my turn to pick for movie night!"

I can't help but hide a giant grin. I was happy to hear she wanted to continue our movie nights. Between all the Harry Potter movies and Star Wars movies combined, it seemed like we'd be spending a lot more time together.

"Is it okay if we finish the movie?" I am hoping I didn't completely ruin the night with my breakdown.

"I thought you'd never ask" she smiles before turning to the TV and resuming the movie.

As I watch the characters making their way into the shrieking shack, I feel my eyes grow heavy. I guess I had gotten a little too relaxed, as I am now struggling to stay awake through the rest of the movie.

When I open my eyes I notice the room is no longer glowing from the light of the TV but from the daylight streaming in through the windows. I realize i'm stretched across Y'N's couch, under one of her many fuzzy blankets. I sit up and look around, noticing Y/N is no longer there. After checking her kitchen and bedroom, I start to worry. Before I start to call her on the phone, I notice movement outside the window. I make my way onto the patio balcony to see her sitting on her bench with a book in her hands. At the sound of the door, she looks up and meets my gaze, smiling as she closes her book.

"Good morning sunshine" she says laughing just a bit.

"What happened?" I ask, joining her on the bench outside, running my hands through my hair as I attempt to fully wake up.

"Well, after awhile I noticed you fell asleep. I really thought it would be best to just let you get your rest."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." I start before she cuts me off.

"Its no problem! Not last night and not any other time. You are always welcome here." She gives me a warm, genuine smile. I know this is a sincere offer, one I'm sure I will take her up on again.

[resident-of-storybrooke]

Csss here! I'm so sorry it's been so long since my last note. I've had the busiest week and i haven't been online. I'm going to be here more from now on though, you've got to have a good secret santa experience for your first time! Sorry you never got a real Christmas tree, i can't believe your brother was allergic, that must get difficult for him this time of year, they're everywhere! You can buy mini trees, maybe you could get one for your room. (pt 1 of 5)

Wow 40 people, that’s crazy, how do you all fit around the table and who does all the cooking and washing up lol. If you have Chinese i’m guessing you order it or do you cook it? I love Chinese takaway! It sounds like you all get on so that must be really nice to see everyone. My family is smaller so at one time there is never more than 5 of us around the table.Since my parents are divorced me and my sister will spend sometime with my mum and then a little with my dad. We take it in turns on who to see on actual Christmas day. It like it though, i don’t find Christmas stressful it’s really relaxed. Ok i’m happy to surprise you on your gift, that’s fine with me! I love rewatching cs scenes they have so many amazing moments. The pancake scene is one of the best, good lord that scene is good. Cute, sexy, funny. it has everything. We kept wanted some domestic stuff with cs didn’t we and then pow we got that scene. Amazing! So tell me what things you are watching on tv and have you been to the cinema lately? I’m going to see Star Wars on Thursday, my ticket is booked. I can’t wait! Are you a fan or are you one of the rare people in the world that isn’t and hasn’t seen a single film haha. Talk to you again very soon. csss x 

Real quick I do tag this for you, I hope that helps!!!!

Hey love!! It’s okay no worries!! I’m a grad student and I have 2 jobs, I know what it’s like to have a busy week. I’m already having a fantastic experience, so you need not to worry! 

Yeah he’s allergic to so much actually it’s crazy, so I’m kinda used to it at this point. He never seems to really complain about it too much. He gets shots and such to manage his allergies, so it helps a lot. I should get a small one for my room, but I’m leaving my house soon to spend the week at my parent’s otherwise I would’ve. Maybe next year!!! 

Literally parties with my family are insane!! We don’t all fit around the table, we all eat in different rooms haha. And yes we have the kids table, the older kids table, the adults, and then the parents all in another room. And only half of us grandchildren are married with kids so it’s only going to grow from there hahah. But see this is only on my mother’s side of the family, my dad was an only child and sadly both his parents have passed. So it’s really weird having one huge side of the family and then literally nothing else on the other side. We order it!! we’ve been going to the same shop for this will be 12 years haha, they’re great! And that must be nice though, having a small intimate time with your family. So I’m guessing with the fact that you said takeaway and mum you’re not from the States like me? Hahah sorry really weird thing to point out I know!! I literally am obsessed with all things Europe and my goal for after I graduate is to go visit. I’m happy you enjoy this time of the year, a lot of us get stressed out and lose the magic that is Christmas.

I literally died at pancakes!! I have this rule that during OUAT I don’t have my phone out expect for commercial breaks, and I was putting my phone away when that scene started and thank the CS Gods that I did because whoa what a scene!!! Domestic!CS is the gift I never knew I wanted, but was always waiting for. 

So with my crazy schedule I don’t get too much down time haha, but I started izombie, which I love! Oh and I love Grey’s Anatomy, been a favorite of mine for years now. BUT my absolute favorite show ever is Push Daisies, if you’ve never seen it ugh strongly recommend! That show was gone way too soon and was ahead of its time!! So I don’t go to the movies too often, granted my boyfriend and I went a few weeks ago to see Bad Moms 2, but we do like to watch Netflix! AND I MEAN ACTUALLY WATCH IT hahaha. He always lets me pick so we’ve watched Pitch Perfect 1 and 2, Beauty and the Beast, Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, …. a lot more we love watching movies together. What about you????????? And well….I hate to say this but I am one of those rare people who’ve never seen it, I’ve seen bits but never any full movie. Which is weird cause I know I’d love it so maybe once I get some free time (one day) I’ll start it! I can’t wait to hear what you think of the movie!!! LONG LIVE CARRIE FISHER!!!!

Have a good night love, talk to you soon!!! 

[lazylacadaemon]

(1) hi! this is a similar question to the other anon asking advice, but with a different twist. i'd like to ask specficially if you have any advice for uni students planning to major in classics/classical studies? how was your experience with it? did you end up focusing more on the history/archaeology side of things or the ancient languages? is it possible to do both? also, on a somewhat related note, how do you find doing your masters in classics in canada? i'm briefly (cont..)

(2) considering it (i’m on the west coast), but job prospects look…. a little dismal. is that just me, or is that a legitimate concern? would you happen to know what kind of options are out there in academia now for people who’d like to pursue more than an undergrad in the humanities? sorry that this ask is a little out of control with the questions. feel free to filter out your answers; i don’t want to bother you too much or take up too much of your time!

Hey thanks for dropping by to ask, I’l do my best to account for as many things as I can. This could get long haha. A lot of this is from my (limited) personal experience and the experience of people I know, so don’t take it as the be all end all answer.

1. Classics in general

I adore the discipline, I adore my profs, and while I complain a lot about dead languages I really don’t have any regrets doing it. I think the experience will vary from school to school and country to country, but I just want to get my overarching fondness for the ancient world out of the way.

In my undergrad I focused mostly on art history and archaeology (though my minor is in linguistics) because I’m a very visual person, I’m a self-taught artist, and it was interesting to me. My supervisor (who sort of adopted me because I took so many of her classes) is the one who really loves getting down in the dirt and she’s always trying to get me to get out there too but I’ve never been on a dig and I honestly don’t know how useful I’d be on one. xD In grad school now I’m in a program called Ancient Societies and Cultures which is an interdisciplinary program- there are people like me who are Classics majors that want to bridge that gap between literature/language and archaeology and history, but there are also people who major in things like math/engineering who want an older perspective on things too. As far as I know, my university is the only one with such a MA program in classics. 

But yeah it’s certainly possible to do both in undergrad- I took a lot of myth courses, a lot of history courses, and a few courses I wouldn’t have thought to take due to limited options in certain years (but tbh I nearly died in 500 level Roman Monarchy because I know pretty much nothing about Late Imperial Roman History, just the art lol). I of course took a lot of Greek and Latin- I was going through a bit of a crisis in my first couple years trying to decide between East Asian Studies and Classics, and taking Intermediate Japanese at the same time as Intro Ancient Greek was… interesting. I didn’t take Latin until my MA- I don’t think it was a Super important requirement for what I was doing, but I’m very glad I did it anyway. Also… a shameful admittance… I have my BA in Classics, I am maybe 2 months tops from getting my MA… and I have never read the Iliad- the closest equivalent to a bible there is- all the way through. In English. (I’ve read the Odyssey twice to make up for it though)

2. Classics in Canada

The first most important distinction in Classical studies: in North America, Classics is usually put together with the history department. In Europe, Classics is still fundamentally linked to its origins in philology. Classical archaeology in particular is actually a really niche discipline, at least in North America- the anthropologists don’t want it because we have “too much literature”, the historians don’t want it because we have “too much dirt”, and the art historians sometimes begrudgingly take us in even though they aren’t super fond of dirt either. I had a colleague who referred to a complete and utter lack of good programs in classical archaeology at “the university that shall not be named” in Toronto (whatever it was, it did leave quite a sour impression on him).

Secondly, Canadian students relative to American and European students entering classics are at a particular disadvantage if they want to dive right into languages: in the States, there seems to be a Latin revival in secondary school- maybe even in primary school- so you can legitimately have people with 4 years of Latin straight out of high school under their belts. In Canada, the last private school that offered Latin at the secondary level dropped the program. It’s not a big problem if you are doing an undergrad and are super interested in doing languages (although they’ve cut the Classical Languages Major here because only like 2 people did it… pretty ridic still and a lot of my profs are Very Angry), but say you are me who took Greek in undergrad on a whim but no Latin, and then looking at grad schools like UBC who seem to cater to American/International students by requiring a minimum of six years of Latin or Greek and four in the other- friggin impossible when you only have been doing Greek and no Latin for half your undergrad. However, if you love Latin there are (or at least… there were, idk what’s up with this political mess) a lot of prospects in the US for teaching Latin and it’s an easy straight shot from uni into the field (easy if you don’t mind living in the States).

Finally, specifically, I don’t know much about Classics outside my university. I’m a student at the U of A and, being the filthy rich Albertans we are, we tend to have a lot of advantages that other universities might not. We have a tidy little collection of artefacts in our museum from Greece, Italy, Egypt and the Near East, the UK, and so forth. We have regular exchange programs in Italy for students interested in poli sci, history, art history, or classics, and we have regular digs in both Italy and Greece. We also have pretty decent entrance requirements and great profs- still pretty limited to Greece and Rome, but I think we recently got someone who is an expert in Sanskrit for instance, which is great. I don’t know much about other universities- I’ve heard gossip that U of T has some interesting department drama, and I had a former classmate who really really really loved a particular school on the east coast (the name is escaping me right now but it was clear she would have much rather been there- I want to say it’s in New Brunswick). 

3. Job Prospects

ok let me get one thing very clear: i’m really

really

rEALLy tired of people who have only taken high school repeatedly telling me that the Only Thing you can get with a History/Classics Degree is being a professor (or a teacher). The professor life is a very viable option and a lot of profs will either nudge you toward it or away from it- my dad is a prof (not in humanities) and is really pressuring me to do a phd because ‘its the best job in the world’ etc etc but I’m not sure if it’s what I wanna do, at least not yet. I really don’t like the idea of moving around where the jobs are, and a lot of it does depend heavily on travelling around to lectures and talking to people and hoping you make a good connection. It is dismal, as my profs will be the first to admit, but Classics is definitely still hiring new profs- my uni just got a new mediterranean archaeologist I believe after holding auditions for a couple months. 

This is a worry that comes up so often in classes and there isn’t a straight answer for it- the terrifying and also liberating answer is that life is messy. It’s not terribly likely you’ll get a job in your field- but that applies to classicists and historians just as it does to engineers and microbiologists. The degree, the specialty, isn’t that important. Getting it done, doing something is more important. 

I’m not the best person to ask about what happens after university because I’m right on the brink of moving to Toronto to do another MA in Museum Studies/Information Studies - I’ve been in school from Kindergarten with no breaks and I’m going to be in University for exactly 10 years- not too keen on spending another 7 doing a phd. I’ve been in a very lucky position and my parents have been very supportive of me, I can’t thank them enough. They’ve been saving since I was born to send me to university, and my dad was very supportive of my arts degree because I get to do a lot of the things he didn’t have the option to do when he was going to school and I get to provide his discipline with a new perspective and vice versa every time we talk. I have a great support network of family and friends who have made this possible for me and I’m forever in their debt.

Knowing ancient greek isn’t going to get me a job, but knowing how to talk about ancient greek to people who are curious, knowing how to communicate in writing, how to communicate orally, how to make my subject less impenetrable and elitist for other people are all skills that are invaluable to me. Who knows, maybe some employer will look at a resume like /you know greek AND latin? you must be a crazy hard worker and disciplined to pick up dead languages/. If you get wrapped up in the “what am I going to do with this”, you’re not really focusing on the right things? Sometimes it won’t be obvious until you’re looking back on it, or until someone else is looking at it. I’ll pull up the typical ‘JK Rowling was a classics major’ of course, and I’ll point out that there are so many many many more jobs out there than there are fields that account for them. If that piece of paper gets you a job you enjoy, regardless of whether you use 100% of your skills and knowledge every day, then enjoying the road to getting that piece of paper is worth it imho. 

Think beyond teaching, think about archaeology, museums, archives, local history, information, movies and documentaries, writing fiction or non-fiction… and there are possibilities out there that haven’t occurred to me only because I’m still in school. You can’t predict what jobs are going to look like in the future and hell, job prospects for snake people are dismal enough as it is. I live in a province that’s absolutely flooded with engineers for example, and a lot of them face difficulties because of the rollercoaster economy here regardless of how ‘useful’ the degree is considered relatively. Might as well do something you enjoy, something that is applicable to multiple disciplines (Classics is like history, language arts, art history, etc all rolled into one and they all teach basics of communication, critical thinking, etc. that are indispensable for any society). Also, Classics remains desperately isolated from other disciplines in part because people have been avoiding it- there’s a lot that could be done uniting it with other disciplines like cultural studies or computers - especially because so many profs make new websites that look straight out of the 90s. -cries-

I know this wasn’t part of your question but also consider it from a social angle- Classics is considered to be a dying discipline in part because it is considered “useless” and partly as it has been historically perceived- correctly- as “elitist”. However, you’ll notice that classics is becoming more and more relevant, particularly with the rise of extreme right, white/euro supremacist groups appropriating the imagery of “western civilization”. The discipline desperately needs fresh ideas, new perspectives, and challenges to the status quo to keep idiots like this from misusing the ancient world for their own racist, sexist agendas. My thesis is getting increasingly relevant to this as I continue writing it, and though it will ultimately reach a small audience the knowledge that I’ve researched myself and have had peer reviewed will become invaluable to me in dispelling misconceptions and outright lies about ‘western’ civilization. Please consider it from that angle as well. 

[cancerbiophd]

hello! i was looking through your career stories tag and was inspired to ask for some advice of my own. lately i've been feeling very lost in undergrad. in high school, i was super successful, had goals and stuck to them, and had a path in mind. however, i ended up revising that plan a million times, and now i feel super behind in comparison to my peers. i feel like i lack a ton of skills and that i'm not where i should be (1/2)

(2/2) do you have any advice? and do you/your followers have any stories about people who were successful, got stuck in a rut, but found their way back? i keep reading stories about people who didn’t do well in school then found a successful career, but i never hear about people who were successful in school, got lost, then recovered, and it makes me wonder if there’s hope for me

Hi anon! (Thanks for sending in that 2nd part again after tumblr ate it the first time round)

I fee like I took a similar path to you, and before I launch into my story, here’s my advice on some things you can try:

Break the bad habit of comparing oneself to others. We are all unique, with unique pasts, presents, and futures. To compare two people’s achievements or lack of achievements is unfair. That’s giving an experimental treatment to a sick person and another to someone already healthy and then comparing the results directly to each other. Not a good scientific study huh. Well, we should look at our lives like that too. It’ll take time and practice and a lot of active thinking, but let’s all try our hardest not to compare ourselves to others. We are all carving out our own paths. 

Talk to others with experience and get their insight. Talk to your professors, your counselors, your parents, your parents’ friends, and even older students (like me!). Ask them for advice. Ask them what opportunities you have. Ask them what career choices one can make with your interests and goals. Basically, broaden your knowledge of what’s out there in the world so you can find a niche to fit in. I really wish I had done this because I was very myopic in that “interest in biomedicine” = “clinical doctor or bust!”. I didn’t know that I could go to grad school to study cancer research and then go work in a biotech company (my current path and goal). 

Once you find a career path that interests you, try to experience what “a day in the life of” is like. Because something that sounds great on paper may not be a good fit in person, and vice versa. Options for this include: volunteering, internships, entry-level jobs, shadowing, informational interviews (where you talk to someone in the field in a casual setting and ask them what their job is like), and well-rounded research. Doing things like working in the field or even shadowing also gives you the benefit of learning transferrable skills that could help you on your next step. And that brings me to:

Take a gap year (or a few) if you feel like you need it, especially if you need to gain more experience in a certain field. It’s also a great way to give your body and mind a well-deserved break after decades of school! I took a gap year (well, 2.5 years) to work and get lab experience and it was the best. 

Do not give yourself a timeline. This sounds… counter-intuitive, but what I mean is: do not set goals like “dream job at age 30!!” “a house at age 31!!” because they may be a) unrealistic, and b) could set us up for disappointment. Also, we need to realize that we don’t know what the future will bring, and that it’s also ok to take one’s time. We’re all gonna live until we’re 70-80 anyway right? So let’s just take things one step at a time. We’ll set goals and work towards them, yes, but let’s not set deadlines for ourselves. We’ve had enough deadlines in school already! 

Don’t give up. Things will be ok. I know it’s not.. super helpful for me to say this, but it’s a real point to make. No matter what happens, keep trying. We can’t reach the light at the end of the tunnel if we stop walking forward, yeah? 

I hope those points are helpful. If you’d like more detail, or have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

Alright, now to my story, because I feel like I may have gone through the same thing you’re going through right now, so I want to let you know that times may get tough like it did for me, but if you keep going and trying, things will eventually be ok:

Just like you, I was pretty darn successful in high school, also did well in college (like good grades, had goals and met them, etc). I always knew my path was going to lead me somewhere amazing, because that’s how I was brought up my entire life. Then I got stuck in a rut because my original plan A (med school) turned out to not be right for me, and then plan B also turned out not right either (pharmacy school), and then I got straight out rejected from plan C (physician assistant school). I even had to change my major 3 times because of my change of plans (well, one change was because the US recession hit and my college had to cut my original program ugh), so I had to really cram my classes into the summer. I graduated college with a degree that wasn’t going to get me where I wanted to (B.S. in Microbiology, and jobs were still hard to find because of the recession, and basically nowhere to go. I had no job and had no idea what to do (or what I really wanted, really). So I moved back home with a feeling of emptiness that no end in sight. 

My plan was basically to find a job that would open doors for me in the biomedical field. I even got my pharmacy tech license, and I was applying to receptionist positions at clinics. It got to a point where I was so desperate I interviewed to be someone’s personal assistant and they were like “you are way too qualified for this I can’t hire you”. 

And I was so confused as to how I could’ve ended up on the wrong path. I mean, I knew what I did wrong (I didn’t do those point of advice I gave earlier because I didn’t know I had to do them). But I didn’t know how it went so wrong. How did I go from straight A/B’s and proactive student leader in a bunch of clubs to unemployed with no concrete plan in sight? I was bright. I was a hard worker. A fast learner. I knew I could be good at anything I did. This rut I was in wasn’t really supposed to happen. And all the while my friends were going to grad/med school or starting successful careers–a fact my narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother would remind me of every. waking. moment. She would scream at me every day that I was an embarrassment, a disappointment, a “poor investment”, etc. The look of pure hatred she would give me–I have never seen that on another person’s face ever. I couldn’t even see my friends because she essentially put me on house arrest as “punishment”. 

It really was absolute hell. I was cleaning some old storage boxes recently and I found my old diary from that time, and inside was a note. It was a note of despair and resentment and an ending that may have happened… I don’t remember how I got the strength to keep going, but I think I had conjured up the slightest sliver of hope that night, put down my pen, closed the journal, and went to bed. 

So, I kept at it. I studied for the GRE, I looked up grad school programs, and I kept applying to jobs in the biomedical field. I got picked up by a temp agency that was hiring out contract workers to local science companies, and even interviewed for a few available positions. Things were looking a bit better. 

Then I saw a job ad on craigslist looking for a research tech at a lab at my old college. I applied, interviewed, and was turned down. Bummer. Then my mother (in a rare moment of helpfulness) asked a friend of a friend who was a PI in a research institute in Florida if they wanted a totally free unpaid intern. I had a skype interview and they accepted, and I was getting ready to move halfway across the country to be a volunteer with a Bachelor’s degree when I got an email from another new PI at my old college. She had gotten my application from the first PI who I had interviewed with and wanted to meet to see if I could be her research tech. And then literally a week before I was supposed to move to Florida that PI told me she wanted to hire me. Oh thank god. I had graduated in May, and got hired at this position in October. Even though it was only 5 months, it felt like forever for me to finally find my way out of the dark cave and back into the light. 

This PI did research on cancer biomarkers. Working in her lab was one of the best things to ever happen to me: I got the lab experience I was missing, I found a love for cancer research in particular, I applied for (and got into) grad school to study Cancer Biology, and I met a coworker who eventually became my husband (and you betcha we invited the PI to our wedding and asked her to give a speech lol). 

I graduate (hopefully) next semester with my PhD in Cancer Biology, and my husband and I plan on moving to Seattle (a biotech hub) afterwards. I plan on getting a post-doc position at the Fred Hutch Cancer Center, then a scientist position at a local biotech company, and then see where that takes me. Life is good now. Things really did turn out ok. 

I’m so glad I never gave up. 

And I hope you won’t give up either, anon. I pray you don’t have to go through anything as tough but! Yes there’s still hope for you! There is always hope