#and i’ve had a headache for 3 days that wont fucking go away

[sanguinewolves]

& now im crying. great.

[jeanvanjer]

This fandom gives me a headache 😂

In my mind, two trusted people in the fandom have seen the screeners and had a very positive reaction to them. On top of that, you have multiple cast members and Julia Quinn saying it’s amazing, we’ve had SO MANY articles this last week about this bond between Kate & Anthony which pretty much confirms any triangle isn’t anything to worry about. So literally this week I’ve been cruising through life excited for 25th as all that took my anxiety down!

AND YET! I’ve seen people moaning the last few weeks about not enough promo (fair enough) and honestly have seen people moaning the last few days that there is . . . too much now, in reference to stills.

We then had people moaning about the original poster, when in my mind I was always thinking be careful what you wish for (I was very relieved the first time round Edwina wasn’t in it), and now people are disappointed - and I am slightly too. Of course they can react however they want but you then have to deal with the consequences of how that makes people feel! Plus, in my mind, yes I would have preferred a cover with just K&A, but regardless I know how it ends and that all the signs point to us being satisfied with that, so why make yourself miserable, we can’t change it.

I know people want more but it’s just the entitlement for me - the messages I saw to CVD were just so childish. There was an article someone posted about the triangle and how it may not be a conventional one, and A&E actually finding connection in their love for Kate. CVD replied positively and loads of people were saying ‘you missed the point! I didn’t want a triangle!’ when they clearly hadn’t read the article, or lack the ability to understand you don’t get what you want by insulting the showrunner. And the same with Charithra, guess what, she can literally do what she wants and block away to her hearts content. Does it not dawn on people that there is a big change the cast and crew are talking about the reaction and might be more cautious now? She has been really generous to fans as far as I can see, and some of them have pushed it too far now and can’t deal with having to reflect on their actions.

The next thing is going to be the trailer - I’ve seen so many people demanding it and saying we should have it, despite it being a Netflix pattern to get it 2 weeks before. And based on the promo - it’s going to be pretty clear there will be some kind of triangle angle/head vs heart and people will be in uproar - I’m dreading it in all honesty.

And then you have people throwing around terms like toxic positivity, what the actual fuck, no one is feeling positive because this fandom wont let them, I just physically can’t wallow in misery for 3 weeks when I have faith that the show itself is likely going to be great based on what we know (and the areas that aren’t, let’s pick apart afterwards)

Anyway, I needed to rant haha, I haven’t been part of a fandom in a very long time, and this is making me extremely puzzled.

I’ve never been a fan of the marketing strategy either but at this point, when we’re so close to to actual premiere I don’t even care anymore. We all want a KA content/poster but things are definitely spiraling into some nonsense

I never participate in fandoms either but I joined tumblr because I wanted to interact with fans that love KA just like I do. And yeah I’ve definitely been a negative Nancy on here too so I’m not gonna be all high and mighty to others about it but but guys just relax already.

The show is going to be what it is. All we have to do is just wait a few more weeks.

[nosferatyou]

New Tune: Part 2 (Jake Kiszka x Reader)

WC: 1.8k 

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of drugs and alcohol.

 Summary: Two guitarists meet at a Rock Festival, only having a week with each other before they have to return to their own lives. The bond they create is unfeigned and resolute.

I wake up in my bunk to pounding headache. That's what I get for drinking everything away last night. The sun brightly shining through the windows caused me groan and grab the pair of sunglasses next to me. Always there just for that reason. A voice from the other side of the bus suddenly spoke, startling me.

“Jesus!”

I look up to see Eli, the bassist for our band, giving me a smug grin, and carefully cradling a cup of coffee in his hands.

“What did you say?” I get up from my bunk and stretch, and grab a seat across from him on the couch.

“I said. Have a fun night?” He asked again with the same grin.

“Oh fuck off, Eli. For what it's worth that was one of my tamer nights.”

“You could be heard from across from the park, quite the tame night you had.”

You lightly kick his leg and crossed your arms, a smile crossing your lips. Remembering the two boys you'd met the previous night. “Hey you know what I’m like when I make new friends, but enough about me we always talk about the crazy shit I get into. What’d you do last night?”

He relaxes more into his spot, taking a quick sip of coffee. “Went hiking and found this really cool spot that overlooks the desert. It's also a bit hidden away. If you know what I mean.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“Eli please don’t tell me about your fuck spot.”

He gave a quick laugh, seeming pleased with himself. “I’m kidding, it's just a good smoke spot. No need to fret.”

I perked up when I heard “Smoke spot.” It had been a bit since I last smoked weed and honestly waking up hungover everyday consistently is starting to get old. I mean i'm not gonna stop, but a different poison could be fun for a night.

“Wait hold on you have weed? Could I buy from you? I really only need enough for tonight.” He looked hesitant, which frankly I understand. You don't want to give it away.

He looked me up and down then squinted his eyes. Really considering his options. “Mmmm” He hummed, hesitance in his tone.

“Come on please? I wont be as annoying and rowdy.”

“Fuck, fine. Just give me cash tonight.”

He got up from the couch and started walking to the back of the bus. “I’m not rolling it for you, though! That's all you.”

I let out a long groan and dramatically flopped down on the couch. “But I’m shit at that.”

“Find a buddy.”

That wasn't a half bad idea. It couldn’t be Matt though, hes strictly an alcohol man, he gets anxious when he smells weed. Maybe one of those guys from last night would be fun. He came back into the room wielding a little Doggy bag, throwing it over to me. Heading to the back of the bus again yelling, “Have fun. And there's no more coffee, but there is coffee in the break room in the venue. Gotta fuel up before Practice!” I groaned again, Sitting up and grabbing some random clothes strewn about. I'm sure boots are fine for the desert.

Even with the sunglasses, I could barely stand the bright light, and the heat for that matter. I don't know why I thought jeans would work for this weather. The camp was jumping with life, artists were quietly playing guitar outside and everyone seemed to have the same idea about coffee. The heat was unbearable, it was dry and unwavering. I was dressed in what seemed to be one of my band mates button up shirts, black jeans, and a pair of black leather Chelsea boots. Which was the general consensus for clothes here, which meant we were all suffering. After what felt like a painfully long walk, I finally made it to the venue and spotted the coffee line. Which in hindsight wasn't that long, but in this moment it was miles long. I quickly spotted a familiar face at the end of the line, and poked his back. He turned around, sporting a very confused look on his face, before he recognized me. A smile adorned his face, and he turned around to face me.

“I think know why you're here.” He said with a smirk.

“Oh?”

He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

“You had too much to drink this morning and your brother broke the coffee machine attempting to cook food in it.” the smirk disappearing, being replaced by a goofy smile.

“How’d you know? He broke it three weeks ago trying to make brownies.” You laughed and then continued, “No we just ran out of coffee beans like two days ago and have not attempted to restock.”

“Well, I currently have no machine because of… mysterious circumstances.” He winked and moved up in line. “Anyways how are you feeling after last night? Because I'm pretty sure we are in the same boat.”

“Bold question, my friend. I'll give you the answer I give everyone. I feel exactly like I do yesterday morning, extremely hungover.”

“Does that answer ever change?” He asked, moving a little closer.

“Ask again tomorrow and maybe you'll see.” I say with a smug grin on my face, unconsciously moving closer to Jake.

Despite his hangover his skin seemed to glow, all of his features did. His hair slightly unkempt, yet it works out perfectly. The highlights of his face accentuated his nose and cheekbones. I looked down to see that we were essentially matching, clothing wise. The only exception was the three buttons keeping his shirt closed. I mean I can’t say I’m any different, but my navel isn’t showing. I looked back up to catch his gaze staring back at me. “You’re staring.”

Fuck. I straighten up and adjust my shirt slightly, “We’re matching.”

He let out a small laugh, “What?”

“I mean I could wear my shirt and actually say I'm wearing it, but our clothes. We’re matching.”

He looked at himself up and down, then me. “Well so we are.” He looked scanning over my body again, not hiding that he's fully checking me out.

“It’s a universally good look.” I winked, then pointed behind him, insinuating it was his turn. While he started making two cups of coffee I started to ask, “Have any plans tonight, Rockstar?”

“I don’t have anything planned, Rockstar.” That smile from before returning back to his face.

“Well I have practice until like 5? Anyways I feel as though we should jam before the week is up. Its required, were guitarists.”

Jake with his back turned to me, still preparing the drinks questions, “Required?”

“I’m requiring it. Bring an acoustic and meet at my bus at 5.”

He turned around handing me a paper cup of coffee. “Well if ‘required I guess you'll just see me then.” His eyes soften and a small smile tugged at his lips.

“See you later, Rockstar.”

We somehow had created a space for the whole band on the bus, practice is hard enough to schedule in as is, but fitting the whole drum kit in there is a nightmare. There was practically no standing room, because of all the amps and rigs. Me and Eli were stuck sitting on our amps while Matt tried to prance around the space. Finally Asa’s kit was tucked in by the kitchen area, clustered together to save space. We have definitely had worse conditions so no one was complaining. Our playing stopped because Matt wasn’t happy about something in the song, but honestly my mind wasn’t all there. Though this was one of the first times in awhile I had showed up sober, but I was distracted for completely different reasons. My phone next to me was vibrating every 30 seconds, I kind of had it shut off for a day or two because of it. My boyfriend gets to be a bit paranoid and overprotective whenever we tour. I know its pretty fucking rude to ignore him, but its just so constant. I couldn’t handle it sometimes.

Y/N its been 24 hours are you alive?? Seriously what the fuck I'm legitimately worried I don’t know why i am this isn't new behavior When you want to fucking act like an adult feel free to reach out.

“Y/N!” Matt suddenly yelled, pulling me away from my phone. I pulled my eyes away to look back at him, annoyance visible. “Shes finally back.” He grabbed the microphone and looked away, “Lets go from the bridge.”

I grabbed my phone and went into our tiny bathroom to find some privacy. My finger hovered over his contact for a few seconds before finally pressing call. He just about instantly picked up, sounding disheveled.

“Y/N?”

“Hi.” I said meekly.

“That's all you have to say? Hi?” Anger more present in his tone.

“I.. No. Listen I've been a shitty girlfriend-” He suddenly cut me off.

“You bet you fucking have. You ignore me for two fucking days and when you do talk its so sparse i could barely call it a conversation.” He said basically spitting every word.

“I've been busy..”

“Like hell you have been. We all know you’ve just been getting fucked up and messing around.” His tone sounding more condescending.

“Sam I'm sorry! I’m just going through some stuff, you know I love you.” I practically had to yell to get anything in.

“Sure you do.” You could practically hear him rolling his eyes through the phone.

“Sam I do!”

“Oh don’t waste your fucking breath lying to me.” He paused for a moment, the line going quiet.

“You know I only stay with you because we both know i’m the best you’ve got and the best you’re ever going to do.” His voice quiet but laced with poison.

“Go have fun, Y/N. Doing whatever you’ve been fucking doing for these past few days. Maybe you’ve started shooting up, bound to happen with the crowd you hang out with.” He paused for a beat. “I'll see you at home, Y/N.”

Chapter 3

[damdahdi-studies]

exam season

the last 2 weeks have been exam season. leading up to exams i ran week-long blocks of distracting websites on my mac, so I haven’t been able to get on tumblr.... so finally updating now: (more like ranting.) 

one math exam left, on thursday morning

exams so far have been.... okay. none of them i feel particularly good about, but overall i think i managed to deal with the stress/anxiety better this semester than last, just a little bit 

some nice things that happened before exams: 

100% in Chinese speaking mock exam, listening and writing section of written mock exam. i didn’t really realise it until i looked back on my old posts and read how i felt after first set of exams just now, but i have come ... maybe not a long way, but some kind of way :] at the time i was very insecure about just myself and barely believed i could improve on my own; yet i did to a standard i never could’ve dreamed even start of this year. 

somehow obtained 90% in an oral presentation i made about The Crucible by Arthur Miller. i still don’t know how I did it, but I’m glad i improved from the 60s i got last semester in presentations. public speaking still felt like hell though 

top female scorer in my state for some maths competition. also have no idea how i did this, i thought i would get distinction at best. 

changed piano teachers (previous teacher recommended the new one) 

dress for year 12 ball next year arrived. it’s a soft grey pretty thing 

my birthday was during exam season :/ 

also first set of my own prayer beads arrived. have been using them daily since 

reflecting on each subject: (so I can read back on this after i get my marks back and be like haha....  you fool.) 

Literature: better than last time is all i can say... it was okay (still felt like hell during the exam because it’s Literature) managed time during exam slightly better, I didn’t panic as much, but that’s about it lmao i’m crossing my fingers for a low 70s and double crossing for an A. i wasn’t able to or simply didn’t contribute much effort/time to literature this semester, so a B wouldn’t really be a fuck-i-tried-so-hard-why-did-i-get-this-grade kind of punch in the gut, but it would be really nice to not break an all A streak... but I highly suspect I will get a B

Methods (maths): exam was harder than i expected. hoping for a 90s though, a mark that wont bring my average down. i think i was best prepared for methods compared to other subjects, emphasis on COMPARED to other subjects. -_- 

Physics: ahh physics. a whole debacle happened during the exam, please see below. other than that the exam was... kind of expected difficulty? which is difficult, but it wasn’t terrible-terrible. i’m hoping for an 80s. i really can’t hope for much, i was probably delirious half the time. i did manage to ‘finish’ (attempt every question) though i wish i got more time... i couldn’t double check many questions and there was this one question i wanted to spend more time on but oh well... 

summary: i threw up once before the exam, twice during.  

ate a blueberry bagel with cream cheese, with some salmon on top for breakfast. looking back, it was probably the salmon. 

didn’t feel good after. got to school feeling pretty sick in the stomach and a pretty bad headache.... which escalated to one of the worst headaches ive had in the last 3 years in 20 minutes 

at this point i could tell something was wrong and that i was about to throw up 

went to the toilet, tried to throw up whatever was causing pain to my body, but couldn’t. only ended up scaring away some poor kid in the next cubicle 

FIRST TIME: left toilet. sit still for 10 minutes outside, feeling progressively worse. go back to the toilet, then throw up a lot. gargle, wash face, go back to find everyone filing into the exam room. 

feeling slightly better at this point since ive thrown up (i thought i had emptied most of my stomach by then. spoiler alert: no) and decide internally to just do the exam. (if i don’t, then i would have to fill out some form, probably do the exam way later. too annoying) 

SECOND TIME: so i sit the exam. 5-6 minutes into reading time, i feel another wave of throwing up coming. i raise my hand, i’m at the very back of the hall, so examiner takes a bit to notice. my brainwashed ass brain thinks i can’t stand up and leave without the examiners spoken permission, so i persist in sitting in my seat for around 10 seconds until she’s there, i’m already throwing up in my mouth at this point. finally something snaps and i make a break for the toilet, but it’s too late and i throw up all over the floor. in the exam hall. Fuck. i immediately apologise on the spot. 

examiner leads me to toilet. i throw up some more. gargle, wash face. she asks me to step outside for a couple of minutes for fresh air and i do. 5 minutes later she comes back and asks me if i want to continue the exam. i say yes. we go back in, the vomit is gone from the floor. she moves my seat closer to the exit, and tells me i can bolt out whenever i need to throw up. i sit the exam. 

some time after this, the other examiner leaves a vomit bag next to me just in case

THIRD TIME: an hour in? i feel another wave coming. i grab the vomit bag, make a dash for the toilets but the stupid old door won’t open properly. the examiner helps me open the door and i throw up in the toilets, in the vomit bag this time. it’s not as much as the previous two times. tie up the bag, throw it in the bin, gargle, wash face. 

instinctively i feel that this is the last time i’ll throw up, that i’ve truly emptied everything from my stomach this time. headache is way weaker at this point. 

go back in and examiner asks me if i’m really sure i want to continue the exam, whether or not if i want to fill in a form excusing myself from the exam. i say no.

about an hour left in the exam, which i sit in utter peace 

didn’t get any extra time. 

apologised to some people around me after the exam while filing out of the hall... i suffered but they did too. 

went home and drank some stomach soothing tea. slept

ate porridge for the next 2 days. 

Chemistry: it was.... okay. i did finish and attempt every question. there were a couple of questions in multiple choice i was iffy about and a question in short answer i was like um... what? to, but other than that it was.... eh. i didn’t study much for it, so whatever mark i get i deserve. if i do defend myself it was 3 days after the shit show that was the physics exam, and i felt sick for at least a day after.... but yeah. should’ve tried more. 

during reading time, the examiner who saved my life put the vomit bag on my desk in the physics exam came and asked me if i was feeling better 

i said i’m feeling good thanks : ) 

like an hour later? i feel sickness coming. not stomach this time, just general sickness. somehow i get a fever and subsequently, the FLU in the middle of the chem exam- 

i highly suspect i got it from the examiner 

come back home to find out that i really do have a fever

this was yesterday. yes i’m sick now. like, more sick. 

Chinese: this was today. i’m still kind of too traumatised to reflect on it properly. Chinese is the only subject that ive studied the yr 12 course for this year, so this exam really counts. like 35% of my final grade counts kind of counts. and i did pretty bad. like pretty bad. it was definitely more difficult than the mock exams, and the recordings in listening section were quicker than previous years. the writing section was... traumatising while writing i kind of had a wave of anxiety/panic hit me? i could feel my heartbeat my face was burning and i started sweating ;-; and even the reading section, which is usually okay, was a bit hard. i’ll get the marks back and my final grade for this subject in December - we’ll see until then. got a slightly overdue birthday present before the exam tho :) 

So yup. that’s my exam season. i’m typing this instead of studying for my maths exam day after tomorrow but hey, i’m sick and need rest, right? 

overall, these exams i managed to keep control of my stress a bit better, i wasn’t so overwhelmed like last time. last semester i could barely live, literally. this time i made the habit of living at the library which i found really helpful and comparatively productive, i’ll definitely be using that strategy more often. i’m just glad i managed to study SOMETHING or prepare for exams explicitly this time, because i was simply too overwhelmed to do that last time. i improved. maybe not by much, maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s better than none... 

i’m not saying i don’t have regrets or shortcomings in these exams. i definitely do. DeFinITEly. but doesn’t mean i didn’t improve. i did improve. just, maybe not as much as i wanted. 

i really learned to the bone this time that learning during the semester is so, so important. i think that’s just a wisdom i’ll have to carry through the rest of my academic career. 

wish me luck for my maths exam on Thursday 

my friends and ive already planned an outing for after the exams :) 

also getting overdue birthday presents next monday! :D 

[ticklikeabomb]

The Language of Limbo  - Part 6

Pairing : Chris Evans x Plus Size Reader ; Marvel Cast x Plus Size Reader

Warnings : Language ; Angst ; Drinking problem ; mention of throwing up ; fluff

Word Count : 2k

The shooting began 3 months and a half ago and you were all entering the last week of the shooting. Today's shooting was special because you would finally shoot the scene at the mansion where you received the 'good' news to be part of Marvel. The production rented a private jet and you all flew to Los Angeles to debut the end of the production. You took a seat and saw everyone look at the seat beside you, without actually sitting on it. You were accustomed by now, to their little looks and didn't mind it, if it would benefit you in being left alone and in peace. You took place at the end of the engine, hidden from everyone but unfortunately your seat had a prime view to the people on the other side who were none other than Rebecca and Chris, all lovey dovey, cuddled together. By cuddled, it was more like Rebecca was stepping on Chris' space with her tight across his lap. He kept his hand on her leg but from his facial expression you clearly could see that he was being oppressed by her presence. His eyes locked with yours once in a pleading mode and you just turned your head at your right indifferent, looking at the clouds. The waitress asked you if you wanted something to drink and you whispered to her to bring you the strongest thing she had in store. Her eyes widened but didn't question it further. She came back with a glass and the bottle. You thanked her before stopping her hand and indicating her to leave the bottle. That's when she was about to question you but you didn't let her the chance and said, "I'm afraid of highs and planes. Please? It helps." It technically wasn't a lie but the wound was much deeper. She eventually left the bottle and you in peace. You hid the bottle and took it discretely everytime your glass emptied.

"You should go easy with that", whispered RDJ beside you. You rolled your eyes before turning to the source, who was already occupying the seat next to yours. You fake smiled at him but he kept a firm and worried expression. "I don't like planes", you replied. He chuckled before asking you the one question you were avoiding. "What about on set? Mixing it with coffee, if we could call that a coffee. Being completely wasted. I still don't know how you managed to keep it neat during the scenes but once the directors would yell 'Cut', you would stumble on your feet." You laughed, a mix of amusement and pain. "What can I say? I guess I'm a good actress then", you replied sarcastically. You didn't stop there. "Apparently I'm so good that I managed to turn everyone against me without knowing why. Well I have an idea how but I'm afraid there's a better player in here", you said while glaring at Rebecca with a look full of hatred. He followed your gaze and his suspicions were cleared. "I knew she was shady. It's just that vibe of hers and concerning you, I'm not against you." This time you couldn't contain your laughter to the point that several other actors turned their heads to you.

"Pff such a freak", commented Rebecca. That's when you lost your cool. "Hey Rebecca why don't you chock on a dick and leave me the fuck alone? Oh wait, I'm pretty sure you already do that." Your comment made some gag and Elisabeth laugh. "Oh you find that funny? At least I finally got a reaction from YOU", you said towards Elizabeth whose smile faltered and bowed her head. "Y/N that's enough. Your behavior has been anything but kind and professional. I -..", stated Chris but you cut him with a laugh. "You still here?", you told him in sarcasm not really bothering to get an answer. "And ohh by the way I'm still waiting for that thank you note regarding your bday present but I guess I'm not worthy to receive that from the one and only Captain America, the most righteous man on Earth", you continued between giggles, the liquor getting the best of you. "Ohhhkayy, come on", said RDJ while helping you stand up and leading you to a more seclude place. That's what you thought but he led you to the bathroom. "Wtf are we doing here?", you asked in confusion. "Kneel and throw up !", he said with a firm tone. "What?"

"You need to get it out of your system. Either you kneel and do it yourself or I'm helping you", he stated with his arms crossed. "Just because your RDJ doesn't give you the right to-." He stepped closer, "Y/N, I'm trying to help you here. I know what's like to be prisoned by those demons and trust me, it will end you. Not only physically but especially mentally. If you're not willing to do it for yourself, I'm doing it for you because I believe in you. I believe in your talent, I believe that you were the one for Y/C/N and I BELIEVE IN YOU." His words shot daggers in your heart and you couldn't contain your tears. You fell to the ground, holding yourself tightly while bitting on your lip to not yell your pain and frustration out. He sat beside you and embraced you in comfort. "I know, I know", he kept whispering until you calmed down. 

You stepped closer to the toilets and before doing what you were about to do, you advised Robert to leave. "Nope, I'm staying with you. You don't need to be alone anymore." You nodded weekly and a few silent tears streamed down, while you tried to purge the booze from your system. Robert stepped closer and held your hair off your face while looking away. Once you were done, he mentioned he was just stepping outside to get you some water and aspirin. "Robert? Could you please text Aaron through my phone and tell him I need him, with a red cross emoji. He'll know what that means", you whispered with a raspy voice, shame and pain flashing in your eyes. He nodded, "Of course Y/N." "Thank you, for everything !" He nodded and exited the bathroom. 

"Is everything alright with Y/N?", asked Hemsworth and Scarlet while they stood outside the bathroom. The fifty year-old only had to give them a knowing look for them to understand that it wasn't. Before he walked away to get the water, he looked both of his colleagues and quietly said, " You can do and believe however you want but I'm not giving up on Y/N and I surely wont stand on Rebecca's side." His words triggered the others insecurities and they sighed. "I've been thinking about this shit show for days now and talking with Hiddleston put some perspective in my mind and from now on I'm standing behind Y/N !", commented Hemsworth before leaving Scarlet and take his designated seat.

The actress not knowing what to do, walked to her seat and took her phone out. She typed frantically and showed it to Elizabeth who was standing beside her.

Lizzie's face turned crimson and she clenched her jaw, still not facing Scarlet. The actress retrieved her phone again before typing away and shoving it back to Elisabeth's lap.  

Lizzie took a deep breath before finally replying.

Scarlet kept pushing on Lizzie. She needed to know the truth, she needed to know if she's was being a jerk to you, if she was an accomplice of some kind of vendetta against you, ruining your life in the process.

Lizzie grabbed the phone tightly, typing furiously and silent tears sliding down her face in shame.

Scarlet's face paled at the last message. She looked up at the actress with widened eyes and saw her quickly clean her face so that no one would see how upset she was. Scarlet closed her eyes and shook her head in anger and disappointment, upset she was mislead by an outsider. Scarlet saved the draft preciously as prove material.

You exited the bathroom, sat down on your seat and drank on the water along the aspirin, Robert gave you. "Thanks", you mumbled. "Here take this and try to rest a little. There's 3 hours left until we land", he said while handing you a cosy blanket. You nodded and turned around, facing the window and trying to forget about how you fell so quickly in an abyss. You were woken up 3 hours later by Scarlet slowly shaken you and calling you. "Y/N? Wake up we've arrived", she sweetly said. You woke up with a terrible headache and frowned when you saw her shyly smile at you. "Scarlet? Why are you here with me, I mean waken me up?", you mumbled while cracking your back. She squeezed your hand tightly and looked deeply into you soul. "I'm so sorry. For showing you the cold shoulder and for my behavior. I hope you find the strength to forgive me", she said with a cracking voice. Your eyebrows raised, taken aback by this sudden change but saw the sincerity emanating of her. You nodded not being able to turn her off, not after seeing and feeling how truthful she was but also because it wasn't in your nature. "Yeah ok, I forgive you." She let out the breath she was holding and leaned forward embracing you. You awkwardly hugged her back still not recovered from your hangover but glad that things were looking forwards for once.

You arrived at the Studios and settled down in your new trailer, feeling like some drummer was doing the performance of his life inside your head. You took another aspirin before crashing once again on the bed and falling asleep. Because you've been early to bed, you woke up along with the sunshine. You cleaned yourself and headed out, enjoying the magnificent star rise and the sky switch his color pallet from orange to blueish. "It's beautiful isn't it?", the voice you came to love commented. He placed himself next to you and impregnated himself with the scenery in front of him. "Yeah all these colors. It is indeed beautiful." Mason chuckled before replying, "Oh the sky? Nah I was referring myself to something else. Someone else." A sad expression crossed your features at the mention of him liking someone that wasn't potentially you. Every day since you started the production you grew closer and closer to the point that so did your feelings. His next comment caught you out of your thoughts. "Yeah it's such a shame that the one I'm fond of is so oblivious about my feelings for her." You nodded still with that small sad expression that caught his attention. He smiled and said, "She's in a rough place at the moment but I will stand beside her, no matter what." You turned your face to him, shocked and not completely believing he was referring to you from the beginning. His hand caressed your cheek and looked in your eyes. "Having a chance to be with her, even the slightest, is worth the wait." You hand reached his and when you were about to drop a small kiss on it, someone cleared his voice harshly. Mason broke the contact and stepped slightly back. He gave a deadly look to Chris (Evans) who dared to interrupt his intimate moment with you. Chris clenched his jaw, upset. "May I talk to you Y/N?", he asked firmly and giving a deadly look back at Mason. You took a deep breath before answering, "I'm sorry Chris but can it be for later. I'm in the middle of something important." You didn't gave him the opportunity to reply back and dragged Mason along with you for breakfast. Chris clenched his fists, annoyed that you turned him off for Mason.

* gif not mine, credit to owner* * screens are mine*

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[uberfluss]

1-97 xoxo

1. What’s your middle name? i forgot i needed one

2. What are you listening to right now? this baby dont cry by K. Flay!

3. What was the last thing you ate? oatmeal

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my aunt

5. Do you drink? occassionally 

6. Do you smoke? nope

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? usually their affect

8. What is your hair color? naturally dark brown currently fire engine red that wont fucking fade

9. What is your eye color? blue green grey 

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? both

11. Dogs or cats? cats!

12. What’s your favorite animal?cats oscars or ferrets

13. What’s your favorite television show? myth busters or how its made

14. What’s your favorite movie? beetlejuice!!

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Billie Eilish Grandson Kflay and Mallrat have been the most recent

16. How old are you? i literally dont know half the time

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? not to my knowledge

18. What’s your sexual orientation? bi

19. What’s your favorite color? honestly i think pink

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? i literally dont know 

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? all the fucking time

22. What were you like when you were a kid? annoying as hell never shut up and never stopped moving

23. What would your dream house be like? a small little apartment that i could safely afford

24. What last made you laugh? shaving cream in a crock

25. What is your favorite word?idt i have one 

26. What is your least favorite word? not sure

27. What turns you on? no

28. What turns you off? someone being a fucking asshat

29. What is your star sign? triple sagittarius

30. What are your favorite books? hunger games, illiad, mary shelly’s frankenstein, les miserables, and donte’s inferno.

31. Do you have any siblings? too many

32. Do you like to dance? only by myself

33. What is your definition of cheating? starting a relationship with no intent to tell your other partner(s)

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no

35. Do you regret anything? loads

36. Do you have any phobias? driving through farmland gives me anxiety if that counts

37. Ever broken any bones? i’ve only fractured my rib the rest have been just dislocations and subfluxes which are daily occurances 

38. Ever come close to death? we all do

39. What is your religion, if any? a mess

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? yep currently seeing one

41. Are looks important in a relationship? not really?

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? hopefully neither

43. What is your favorite season? summer!!!

44. Do you have any tattoos? like 2

45. Do you have any piercings? like 9 hopefully gonna make it 11 soon

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? three

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? lydia deetz when i was like 7 

48. Who is your celebrity crush? winona ryder 

49. Are you a virgin? not answering

50. Do you get jealous easily? i literally cant name a time i’ve been truly jealous

51. What is your favorite type of food? sweets

52. Do you ever want to get married? i see no point in signing a legally binding document that ties me to a person for the foreseeable future. if anything it sounds like really bad dangerous idea.

53. Who was your first kiss with? a girl named maggie in the 6th grade and not the maggie that i post about

54. Have you ever been cheated on? no

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? sitting on a rooftop of a parking garage downtown at night taking photos and enjoying the view of the buildings around eating fries from some fast food place

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? extroverted introvert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? i wouldn’t be suprised

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? a way with words that doesnt make me seem like an asshole half the time

59. What is your saddest memory? when i lost contact with my parter for two and a half years

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? all the time

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? no

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 1 i have a kid 2 im partially deaf 3 im in mensa

66. Who are you jealous of? no one really

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? a plush heart from my partner

68. How long was your longest relationship? dont know

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? the glass is half full of air and half full of liquid and therefore completely full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? no

71. Who is your most loyal friend? Maggie Lizard U.

72. Are you in a relationship?  yes

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? everything

74. Are you a bad person? it feels like it some days

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday? i dont do anything for my birthday ever

77. What is your favorite quote and why? 

“ there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planetAnd I have the audacity to think I matterI know it's a lie but I prefer it to the alternative”Because you do have to convince yourself there’s value to your life. even if you know deep down there’s nothing because if  you dont you’ll walk down a very dark and dangerous road with only one end. and its not a very pleasant one

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? given she’s the reason im alive i’d probably be completely unable to cope 

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? i dont even know

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? i’d call the people i love and tell them i love them and try to hang out with them if i could

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? the only dream i can remember is sitting on a curb with maggie playing some jenga like game next to a crashed helicopter surrounded by terrified people with guns and we were just smiling watching a giant giant gaint ship come barreling towards us and i KNew that it was the start of the end of the world. 

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? i think the same. depends on the relationship.

83. Who were you in a past life? some Victorian bastard

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? driving around around midnight through downtown milwaukee after a death cab concert at the rave

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? yes

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? no but my sister had an imaginary friend called mr fork taht she never questioned and she thought when she got older he’d turn into mr knife. she didnt like mr fork and she wanted him to leave

87. If you were the president, what would you do? step down

88. What is your ideal career? i plan on going into phsychology and becomning a therapist ideally i want to run a shelter for run-aways or kids that got kicked out that would provide a stable enviroment and gave kids a place to stay as long as needed and if possible get the parents into therapy with those kids and resolve the home conflicts while the kids are still in the care of the shelter to ensure that they’re not mistreated as a result of anything that was said 

89. What is your political affiliation? socialist at minimum

90. Are you conservative or liberal? liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? what the hell is perfection??

92. Do you like kissing in public? depends on the place

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? create healthy equality 

94. Where would you like to live? in the middle of a giant bustling city like new york or hong kong or in a secluded pine forest running on solar pannels and well water and being completely sustainable

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

everywhere

96. Describe yourself in one word.

headache

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

a dumbass who is really trying their hardest and it just doesnt wanna work

[inbtswethrrust]

MASTERPOST!

Hello I’m alive (barely!!!) I’ve decided to make this random masterpost (of yoonmin, for now) bc I feel really bad that I haven’t been able to be an active admin on here because Life(TM) and I’ve been too tired to go on tumblr :( So, here’s a bunch of stuff that I’ve read recently (never too tired to read fics amirite ha h a send help) and I hope you enjoy them! Drop a fanmail in the inbox and yell w/ me when you’re done!!! More random masterposts coming your way soon~

This is a long one my dudes, so all the juicy goodness under the read more :)

~YOONMIN~

Sleepovers in My Bed by baepce [T, 12k]

“You should just sleep here, hyung. It’s still raining hard.”

“Should I? My house is literally in front of yours though.”

The fingers in Jimin’s hair continue combing through the locks, soothing and gentle. Yoongi’s ministrations help him dip slowly into sleep. “Just listen to me, hyungie! I’ll make you pancakes in the morning.”

How can Yoongi say no to that?

; or Yoongi and Jimin get to know their selves, each other, and fall in love through a series of sleepovers.

Admin’s Note: SO GOOD!!!!!!! Friends to lovers always gets me especially when it’s one of those that start off as childhood friends it got me right in the heart strings

all the currents lead back to you by anyadisee [M, 19k]

Jimin doesn’t really lie so much as he chooses not to mention a certain truth to a certain witch, but he has his reasons. And they’re perfectly valid reasons, thank you very much, as a certain fairy and a certain half-human, half-pixie have constantly reassured him. Reasonable reasons. A surprise won’t exactly work if the person meant to be surprised gets a heads-up about it, after all.

Still, that logic doesn’t stop the little twinge of guilt in Jimin’s chest when he sees Yoongi’s text saying, Have a safe trip, I’ll see you in two days <3 (he even used a heart, Jimin thinks dazedly) when in fact Jimin a) is already out of Busan and has been crashing on Taehyung and Jungkook’s couch since yesterday, and b) will be seeing Yoongi not in two days, but just one. He just tries to shake it off by imagining the surprised look on his boyfriend’s face when he comes knocking on his door bright and early tomorrow, armed and ready for their first date.

And, wow. Their first date.

;;

[or in which jimin and yoongi finally go on their first date]

Admin’s Note: This is part of the moonlight on your skin, ocean in my veins series w/ witch!yoongi and mermaid!jimin and lemme tell u this is the fluffiest and sweetest thing I’ve read in a long time

What's Up, Buttercup by springrain21 [Not Rated, 14k]

Jimin meets Yoongi, the grumpy buttercup fairy, and proceeds to worm his way into his heart.

Admin’s Note: I was so surprised when I first read this because buttercup fairy???? What type of Soft am I gonna witness and then I was attacked by Actual Softness you won’t regret reading this (and squealing)

Love me this Christmas (and forever) by Imperatritsa [Not Rated, 12k]

Jimin had an album full of his most precious memories. He started it two years ago, going through his parent’s physical albums and his friend’s digital ones, picking all the pictures that made him smile bright enough to hurt his cheeks, the ones that made him feel warm, made him want to never stop looking at them because they brought back the sweetest memories.

Also all the Holidays he spent with Yoongi.

-

[or "childhood friends!au/friends to lovers!au where with each Christmas & new year's yoongi and jimin's feelings grow for each other"]

Admin’s Note: More friends to lovers!!!! This kind of reminded me of the sequel to When You’re In Love by jflawless bc of the photo album so if you liked that softness you’re gonna love this Trust

a gift wrapped in yellow by abdicar [T, 15k]

It was perfect.

Yoongi had taken a single look at it and decided that it was the ideal gift for Jimin. Yet, somehow, he managed to underestimate exactly how much his friend would love it - or how much Yoongi would resent having bought the damned thing in the first place.

(Or: the one in which Yoongi is Jimin's Secret Santa and gives him a really good gift which ends up backfiring. Or maybe not.)

Admin’s Note: More friends to lovers bc ohohohohoh also mutual pining and a super oblivious yoongi pls help him

Peach Kiss by BabyLove (sugamins) [T, 92k]

Includes:

Pepsi Cola Queens Hang On, Baby!

Admin’s Note: 80s!au and I suddenly feel the need to wear bell bottoms again

what the headlines don't tell you by anyadisee [T, 14k]

People call them Shadow and Hurricane.

Jimin calls them a pair of giant headaches, one a lot more so than the other.

;;

it's already difficult having a college-student-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night kind of lifestyle. jimin doesn't really need to be stressing over reckless fellow superheroes and crushing on cute bookshop workers on top of everything going on with his life, but here he is anyway.

Admin’s Note: Superhero au!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So good s o g o o d!!!!!! Warning: some violence but not anything super graphic or anything like that :)

in this blue light by anyadisee [T, 20k]

For a second, the dragon looks as though it's going to bump its head against Jimin’s palm, giving him the chance to graze his fingers over its glinting scales.

But then the second is over, and the dragon snorts instead, warm smoke coming out of its nostrils and blowing Jimin’s hair back. Then it turns around and goes back into its cave, leaving Jimin standing there and feeling like an idiot.

Taehyung appears by his shoulder seconds later, whistling lowly. “Well, that didn’t work. No worries though, Jimin! I’m going to find another way to get my necklace back. Sorry for dragging you all the way out here.”

Jimin says, “It laughed at me.”

Taehyung blinks. “What?”

“Taehyung, that dragon bastard laughed at me.”

;;

[or in which taehyung asks jimin, who has a calming aura towards animals, to help him get his necklace back from a dragon. only, it gets personal.]

Admin’s Note: This was so cute the dragon yall the d r a g o n

stay up (talking to the stars) by realitygetsdestroyed [t, 4k]

“Do you believe in the stars?”

Eight year old Jimin’s eyes bug out before he rapidly turns his body to Yoongi. “Do they have magic powers?”

Yoongi laughs, his chubby fingers rubbing against each other in order to get his blood circulating. “Sort of.” He looks up at the sky. “If you wish on some of them, they will grant that wish for you."

in which childhood friends yoongi and jimin stargaze every Christmas.

Admin’s Note: This was angsty but cute and growing up makes me emo

Sleepy by Whatev3rs [Not Rated, 1k]

After that, it's quite. Jimin starts getting very sleepy, and he's so comfortable right there, in Yoongi's bed, with his arms around the older's neck. So he doesn't realise it when his thoughts drift to his hopeless, hopeless feelings. And the illusion that everything was so perfect at that moment that he could get away with anything.

And before he realises it, he tips his head up and places a small kiss on Yoongi's neck, making the older's breath hitch and his own heart stop beating.

Admin’s Note: Non au gets me in the liver

After-school Deception by AriaHann [T, 7k]

She was the most beautiful girl Park Jimin had ever seen.

And yet, she was a strange girl. She was as tall as him, acted slightly boyishly, and had a deep voice. Her hobby was breaking other boys' hearts. Despite this, Jimin was only intrigued even further.

Jimin learned her name: Min Yoon(ji).

Admin’s Note: MIN YOONJI

Best Kept Secret by small things (lost_things) [E, 2k]

Yoongi is a lot of things, including something that A.R.M.Y. doesn't suspect. Jimin is a good dongsaeng in the best way possible.

Admin’s Note: who would i be if i didnt put any smut

soju and i love you by daegu1310 (jeonseokf) [T, 1k]

jimin is a star, yoongi wants to watch him shine.

My Soulmate Who Reads Smut by pseudo_nim09 [T, 2k]

Prompt: On some days, whatever your soulmate thinks of is something you can hear in your mind and your soulmate is currently reading smut fics and you’re trying so hard not to mess up this class presentation which shoulders half your mark for the semester.

Or

Where Yoongi is going to strangle his soulmate for reading some Taekook smut fic at a really shitty timing.

Baby Fever by sobermilk [E, 9k]

Jimin wakes up one afternoon feeling like he's been set on fire. Yoongi's not there to help him, so he helps himself instead.

I Swear by bramblejelli [M, 10k]

You gain a tally mark every time your soulmate swears.

Jimin swears like a sailor and Yoongi's never sworn a day in his life.

Bring On The Sunshine by smoljean [G, 42k]

With the help of their five year old "matchmaker" Taehyung, Yoongi and Jimin stumble into each other's lives. Cue the awkward, messy pining and dating adventures with a noisy kid in their way.

I blush every time I see you by dmingi [T, 10k]

After the incident, Yoongi the wizard and Jimin the water nymph met again at Santa's Christmas party where they share their first ever kiss.

Or

Magic AU where if you get stuck under the mistletoe, you wont be able to get out until you get kissed.

I Call Him Daddy (He Calls Me Baby) [Not Rated, 8k]

Jimin likes money. Yoongi likes fucking. They work out a deal.

Practice Makes by signifying_nothing [E, 4k]

the facts in the case of the unfortunate min yoongi: the Gay that Can't Suck Dick.  

i'm just going with the flow by arsen [T, 3k]

"I took advice from my friend and pretended to trip in front of you to get your attention except I fell harder than I thought and now my arm is broken can you drive me to the doctor please"

-

park jimin doesn't know if he should punch kim taehyung or thank him. kim namjoon either will go to jail or will be killed by kim taehyung and kim seokjin. min yoongi is confused and he takes advantage of namjoon's card, jung hoseok and jeon jeongguk just hangs around.

Yuletide Baby by MiniBunny [Not Rated, 12k]

With the help of their friends, Jimin and Yoongi realize their feelings for each other. And it goes a little too well.

Santa tell me (don’t make me fall in love again if you won’t be here) bySlytherintimelord [T, 4k]

- jimin, a 22 year old man, still believes in santa claus, and on christmas morning he finds a man not much older than himself sitting on his couch -

“At least you’re not like ‘Santa doesn’t exist’”, Mystery man whined and made air quotes, “I’m supposed to be the next Santa, but red is not a good colour on me. Also, I’m not short. And reindeers are useless in this day and age, when I can just ride a motorcycle or some shit. I mean, my grandfather was Santa, and he learned from this other old dude, and apparently I’m supposed pass down the lineage, but honestly, it’s a boring job-PUT THE BOOK DOWN,” hot mystery man yelled in panic as Jimin held the book up again from where his arm had lowered.

Minutes to Midnight by WeirdButIloveIt [Not Rated, 9k]

Park Jimin was your average fanboy: Poor, sleep deprived, and in love with someone who didn't even know he existed. A surprise Christmas gift may change that though, and maybe he was a little bit in over his head.

Yoonmin YouTuber AU

What I Like About You (Everything) by DIMPLEDJIMINIE [T, 3k]

After a long day for Jimin, Yoongi just wants to remind him why he likes or— loves him so much.

Yours by mochiJimin [Not Rated, 4k]

Jimin has a habit of not returning anything he borrowed from Yoongi. The older guy never complain tho until one day he did. And it just happen to be at the time when Jimin was drunk.

All I Want For Christmas (Is You) by ayumin [G, 6k]

So, yeah, it is likely that at some point in their lives everyone has had a crush on Jimin, or still has one, but at least Yoongi has the privilege of being one of his closest friends.

(Except Yoongi doesn't want to be Jimin's friend. Yoongi wants to kiss his neck.

And, unfortunately, it seems like his friends are very aware of that.)

No Spell Can Cure Shyness (except maybe love) byMissterMaia [T, 29k]

Yoongi really doesn’t expect the witchboy who sent him an accidental text to be the prettiest boy he's ever seen in all his life. Or the nicest. Or the kindest. Or just the best in every possible way.

Painfully shy and (un)smooth as he is, Yoongi decides the best way to approach this Jimin person is in the form of a cat. A cat who can't talk.

Great plan, Yoongi.

Admin’s Note: YA L L F L OOF TO THE M A X

Red's Big Bad Wolf by TheOrgasmicSeke [E, 31k]

Yoongi takes the journey to see his Nana once a week but ending up with a wolf stalking after him was the last thing Yoongi expected. Add in that the wolf is maybe the most gorgeous creature he has ever seen, and seems intent on making Yoongi his, just completes the list of problems Yoongi never wanted to have.

Or, Yoongi is Red Riding Hood and Jimin a rather gorgeous wolf who has easily fallen so very in love with him.

Admin’s Note: who’s cryin itsa me also i love yoongi’s grandma that is all

- A

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[vulnarablefic-blog]

1 - THE END OF SUMMER

"Lily... Lily. Lily! Lily..." I opened my eyes and saw the silhouette of my 9 year old brother under the sun's rays. "Dad is having breakfast he's about to leave the house!" I looked around and noticed that I wasn't in my bed. Shit! I fell asleep again in the garden outside my house. Joey continued to look at me with concern. "Lily, he must be about to leave. I don't want you two to fight again..." "Okay, okay! I'll hide in the back." I got up and noticed his anxiety looking at the door, praying that our father would not leave the house and see me with the clothes I wore the night before now all dirty because of the grass. "Hey! Calm down." "GO!" He says irritably as we watch the door open. Fortunately I managed to get away in time. "Joey, can you go wake your sister up?" Mr. Green, also known as my father, dressed in his suit, questions while his eyes don't leave the phone. My father works from Monday to Monday. When a person loses their mother to fucking cancer you expect to have your other parent present 24 hours a day, even if it is only in the first week when you're still assimilating. But my dad preferred the office instead of dealing with a angry teenager and the constant questions of a 7-year-old. "You have the cereal and milk on the table. Ask her to heat the milk for you, I don't want to have to buy another microwave." "I know how to heat my own milk!" Joey protests while my father closes the car door. I could and should go take a bath but I don't have the energy to do so. I have 3 messages on my phone from Timmy asking me if I got home yet. He always texts me to see if I got home safe and I never reply. The difference between a good friend and a shitty one.

As I remove my clothes to get into bed, I notice the kid under five feet at the door of my room. "I'm just going to get some rest, okay?"

"Can we play basketball later?" I hadn't heard yet the ball hitting the floor but the headache was already starting. "I don't know, We'll see it later. Now, I'm in my underwear, Joey. Learn the limits." "Were you with Julia?" My heart sinks in my stomach as I crawl into bed and pretend that the question hasn't affected me. "I've said over a thousand times that I don't want to hear the name Julia. Just let me get some sleep." "I can't talk about Julia, I can't talk about mom, I can't talk about dad, I can't talk ..."He vents down the hall while I search in my shorts for what's left from the night before, sniffing it. As soon as my head feels the pillow and I close my eyes, I see Julia's smile. The best part about drugs is that suddenly I no longer need Julia, I manage to reach the state I was with her without needing her. When I close my eyes it feels like I feel her and when I open it wherever I look she's there.

The feeling of emptiness inside me disappears. Everything disappears. It's just me and her.

But this story is not about me and Julia. Is about what happened after me and her. How fucked up my friends life got. Someone needs to tell that story and here I am. And trust me, you wont need drugs for this.

"This one would look good on you". Matilda picked another dress at the fourth store she already had been that day. She was helping Carmen to choose the ideal dress for the end of summer party. Party that I do not know who remembers to throw, but that makes people like Carmen and Matilda feel like their life depends on them. "Do I need more cleavage?" Carmen analyzed the dress. This party was crucial for her, she knew that her ex-boyfriend Thomas would be there. And although I do not understand the logic, getting back with him was the last thing Carmen wanted, but she wanted more than everything to make him want her back. "More cleavage??" Matilda showed how tired she already was in her voice tone. "Okay, I'll try this one too." She added the dress to the rest of the clothes that were already on her arm. "Is Noah going?" "I don't know". Matilda looked way and Carmen immediately knew something was going on. "You don't know? You've been dating for seven months and you don't know what he's going to do on Saturday night?" "I don't know! I haven't asked. He's probably going." Carmen and Matilda were best friends since they were six years old. When they gave their first kiss, the first person they told to was to each other, the same happened when they lost their virginity. The good and the bad they could always count on each other. When Matilda watched her father leave the house after hitting her mother in front of her and her twin sister Mary when they were only 6 years old, she told Carmen the day after. "Don't cry! My abuela yesterday sent me some money. You could go shopping today with me and my mom. We'll buy the same top! A pink one!" She raised her tiny arms. "With the money that my abuela gave me." Carmen smiled and Matilda knew she had a friend for life. She knew that if she told her there, at that moment, that the reason for not knowing if Noah was going to the party and for not talking to him for 2 weeks, is because they found out she was pregnant. Carmen would end up supporting her.But she couldn't say it. There are no perfect friendships and if there was something that Matilda absolutely hated in Carmen was how fast she was to judge others. Especially Matilda. Whenever she had a bad grade, Carmen didn't told her "you'll do better next time." instead: "you didn't study any way, stop whining". When her first boyfriend decided to shout to the the whole school that Matilda cheated on him, of course Carmen said she would cut his dick if he didn't shut up but while a Matilda cried in the bathroom, her words of support were "Seriously, with so many guys you decided to cheat with his best friend? Think Matilda! Think!" "Why don't you choose something for yourself, too?" Carmen wakes Matilda up from her thoughts. "Um? No... No... I have an outfit. I think." "Is it because you gain a little weight?" Carmen asks quietly as Matilda raises her eyebrows. "I'm not judging!" She defended. "I already realized that things are not okay with Noah. When we're not eating dick, we tend to eat other things... another dick, or food! You chose food! Nothing wrong with that. But why don't you sign up in my dance class? It's great cardio and I'm sick of going alone anyway. " "Carmen!" Matilda finally interrupted her. "I already have clothes to take." Carmen puts her hands up in defense and Matilda is relieved that conversation is over. She knew she was already more swollen, but hoped that she would be the only one to notice. After taking a deep breath and clearing her throat, she decided to change the subject while they both walked to the changing rooms. "And Thomas? Are you sure he'll be there?" "Thomas can go fuck himself." The shop assistant quickly looks at Carmen surprised by her choice of words while Carmen smiles and says "I would like to try this 5 pieces, please".

***

"Emily, It's just me here! Can you take off your winter clothes and get in the pool already?" Mary asked Emily for the third time to enjoy her own pool. She was already starting to feel selfish, she was always invited to go to Emily's pool, but she was always the only one to enjoy it. "I don't want to go to the party with a sunburn!" She hides the real reasons while fixing her cardigan. "Right..." Mary dived in the pool and Emily quickly remembered  something to tell her. "Do you know who sent me a message last night?" "Who?" "Julia!" Emily showed in her facial expression the bomb she just dropped while Mary with her jaw dropped walked out of the pool. "Julia?? What did she say? The nerve!" "She asked how I was doing, how the others were doing... how Lily was..." Mary rolled her eyes "Sure! How's Lily doing? Like shit! Thanks to you Julia! Did she say when she was coming back?" "She... She's not..." Emily said with some fear of Mary's reaction. Mary was always very protective of Lily, but in this situation Emily was unable to side with Lily. "We shouldn't blame her. Lily fell in love. Julia never asked for such thing."

"What? You must be kidding!" "Not everyone is ready to love. I'm certainly not. Are you?" Mary was confused by the question. "If the right boy appears, of course I am! And you're just not because you have to learn to love yourself first!" Emily was not understanding why Mary was being so aggressive and Mary quickly realized what she said. "Sorry, Em. I'm just a little bit irritated because I miss Lily." She tries to explain while Emily nods. "And when there was Julia, we had our Lily with us. Finally we became the trio we used to be and now she's gone again." "She didn't want to be with us during the summer. But we don't know what will happen when school starts." "True." Mary set next to Emily and hugged her carefully to not get her wet, apologizing again. "Can I sleep at your house after the party today? My mom has another hot date." Emily lets out a little laugh. "Of course you can."

[coolgirl]

Fic recs masterpost

ok so i used to have a lot of fics masterposts on my old blog and people keep asking for recs + i wont be able to upddate them or anything anymore so i decided to just move them all to this blog

under the cut: AUS / arkham knight / jaykyle / jayroy / robin!jason / gen / angst fics 

*: last added (april 4) //   for some reason the links arent working so go to jasontodd.tumblr.com/ficrecs for the links, sorry!

AUS

The Virtue of Revenge | young justice au with jason as red x making his own team with roy, starfire, raven, and others. i love it, even if it has shaky moments and stuff pls give it a chance.

crystal silence creeping down | young justice/lost days au

Flicker from View | another young justice au

Live to Rise | yes. you guessed it. young justice au.

Collide &  Convergence | au where post crisis jason goes to the young justice universe

The Changeling Sequence | series where jason meets damian before he went to gotham. The last part is a wip that i doubt will ever get updated again, so uh be careful. read only the first or second part and forget about the third.

The Drag of Fate | au where jason is lady shiva’s son as well. Part of a series, which i also highly recommend but idk if they would be au as well

heavy on the heart | another jason and cass are bio siblings. A+.

Didymous | cass and jason are twins.

repairing the world | i dont know how to explain this series.. its an au and really really good. Jason doesn’t appear in all the pieces.

just go  | jayroy, wings au

In the Shadows (of Who We Used to Be) | jayroy, black widow & hawkeye au

The Family (or how Jason Todd was adopted by the Avengers) | marvel crossover

bad boys bad boys (whatcha gonna dooo) ♫ | jason is damian’s batman. iconic fic imo.

Rise (And Try Not to Fall) | star wars au

A Bird in Morning | bruce finds jason when he’s at the hospital after crawling out of his grave

Moment Between | ghost jason & ghost martha and thomas wayne

We’re not in Crime Alley Anymore | au where jason was younger when bruce took him (and he didnt become robin)

Perhaps The World Ends Here | marvel crossover, future jaykyle

Batten Down the Hatches | a few different aus here. young justice + helena wayne

My Brother's Keeper | jason & damian knew each other from before + damian arrives to gotham just for jason

When the Moon Found the Sun | main story is clark/bruce but it’s preetty cute. soulmates au.

Between the Light and the Dark* | damian & jason uuhm i cant remember what this one was about per se bc im reading like 5487 similar fics but yeah

Two Dead Birds  | time travel stuff

Red Blood, Blue Blood | jason (and the rest of the batkids) are bruce’s biological kids, yeah i wasnt a big fan of the premise at first either but its gud

Rebirth | talia & jason, mind the warnings

you belong among the wildflowers | kate n renee adopt jason instead of bruce

We're the warriors of tomorrow |  Cass, Jason and Damian meet while with the League of Shadows

Can You Hear Me?  | ghost jason

to death's other kingdom I will not go  | bruce makes it on time au

The Ties That Bind  |  The pit restores Jason's body but not his mind, Ra's makes him one of his assassins and Talia adopts him as her own.

death’s outlet song of life* | the gordons find jason before the events of lost days

reflections on shattered mirrors.* | talia & jason stuff

Come Alive* | young justice s3 based

A Path Upon The Ground* | au from lost days, eddie and jason meet again

ARKHAM VERSE

If He Had Come & the sequel  Desiderium | au where bruce rescued jason before he could become the arkham knight.

the roads we know

this gun needs no bullets

JASON & BRUCE CENTRIC (not romantic)

Quack | this one is so crackish but so so cute i love it, robin jason

If He Had Come & sequel Desiderium  | arkham knight verse and its so good and has a lot of bruce & jason feels

Neverland /  Keep Lying To Me | deaged/ little jason from another universe.. sad and cute

Icarus and Bubble Gum | fluff, robin jason

Knock On Death’s Door | bit of both but not so so so angst, red hood jason

dead and dying things | au

In Memoriam | angst, trying to fix their relationship, red hood jason

If the Fates Allow | angst, red hood jason

The D-Word | fluff kind of.. red hood jason

This Place We Built With Grace and Guilt | angst angst angst, red hood jason

I Love You | robin jason, fluff

Wayward Birds | fluff and angst, robin jason

yesterday’s gone, yeah it went away (i’ve been lost but i’m here today) | another trying to fix their relationship fic, its cute and sad

We’re not in Crime Alley Anymore | au where jason was younger when bruce took him (and he didnt become robin)

Little Absences | sad, robin & red hood

Schrödinger's Honest Man | sad, drugs tw, absolute fave

White Christmas | bruce & robin!jason

Frozen History | de-age

Stargazer | jason n bruce patching their relationship.. its iconic

Unconventional Family Reunions | bvs setting

Prompt: Trapped | mind the warnings

Safe In My Arms 

The Failures of Reverse Engineering  | ghhm not really bruce & jason maybe?

to death's other kingdom I will not go | bruce saves jason au

points of impact  | glass case get fucked

is it my fault? (we've been missing each other)*

waiting for you. *

The Little Things*

World's Finest* | my uwus my uwus have fallen everywhere

JAYKYLE (all iconic)

In Which Kyle Confesses The Same Thing Six Times

milk and honey

Batman vs Space Bureaucracy

deadlock

attention to detail

tempest in a teapot

violet tendencies

no love, no glory (no hero in his skies)

keep the door open for me

waffles and war 

The Art of Subtlety (jason lives au)

Perhaps The World Ends Here | marvel crossover, future jaykyle

Riding in Batcars with Boys

boy, you fill my lungs with sweetness

no chance, no way, i won't say it (no, no)  

a change in the atmosphere

invitation to commitment

Overexposed 

i deserve that, don't i, some sort of blazing love that i can live with 

i won't say 

The water is always warmest at dawn

JAYROY (all iconic too)

sleepless 

Countdown

just go (wings au)

Unspoken

(for thy love is) better than wine (E)

Rooftops

Dick Wolf is a Really Funny Name

A headache isn’t always a bad thing

sad eyes, bad guys, mouth full of white lies [high school au]

kairosclerosis 

The Night They Met 

march down an empty street (like a ship into the storm) *

Archange de la mort (rallume ton flambeau) * | hic warning lol

this time, the loser wins | steph & jason centric though

So Baby Come Light Me Up *

Little Talks *

All the light is never ending, much like you and I; *

Don't let me go, for I feel I may fall * | soulmates au

Something Reckless * 

OTHERS

how to make a home. * | some eddie/jason if you squint, rose/eddie/jason team up

This Car Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us* | could be read as jayconnor :3

Robin/young!Jason

The Art of Subtlety | jason lives au, jaykyle

Little Absences | sad, robin & red hood

I Love You | robin jason, fluff

Wayward Birds | fluff and angst, robin jason

Icarus and Bubble Gum | fluff, robin jason

Quack | this one is so crackish but so so cute i love it, robin jason

we were not tragedies | jason & babs, read warnings

Heavy Home | gen, alfred & jason

Good News (No One Mourns the Wicked) | Jason & steph & damian. harold they’re dead (kinda robin!jason??)

Love Yourself (So No One Has To) | good amazing au with some selina & jason (not really.. robin but it starts as robin!jason i guess?)

Moment Between | ghost jason & ghost martha and thomas wayne

We’re not in Crime Alley Anymore | au where jason was younger when bruce took him (and he didnt become robin)

Tired &  Laundry | kinda au, read tw!

Smoke | jason & jim gordon

White Christmas | bruce & robin!jason

is it my fault? (we've been missing each other)* | mix of present and past jason

Sidekick* 

waiting for you.* | technically baby jason

The Little Things*

World's Finest* | oh this one.. my uwus

GEN

hold on to what  we are, hold on to your heart | gen, Barbara & Jason friendship. Some dinahbabs & jayroy

gotta give the boy points | gen, absolute fave

Strangers in Nothing but Name | marvel crossover, side steve/bucky

If He Had Come |  Desiderium | Arkham Verse, gen

I can’t  think up a good  name for this | young justice verse, gen apart from canon relationships

A Better Thesis | gen, p short but i loved it

The  F-Word | gen, batboys being batboys

until i’m in my grave | gen, wip 

Robins United | gen, batkids bonding, except for cass, thats my only complaint

Free of Dogma | gen, canon divergence, marvel crossover w Jason & Bucky

bad boys bad boys (whatcha gonna dooo) ♫ | au where damian is jasons robin and not dick’s, obviously damian & jason brotp. 

Heavy Home | gen, alfred & jason

In the  Shadow of Two Gunmen | gen, Marvel crossover

Flicker from View | side Barbara/Dick, young justice verse

I Love You | gen, Bruce & Jason

how to  hide a stray resurrected superhero from your parents/parental figure | au, jason & tim friendship kinda

One For The Road | Jason/Roy/Koriand’r but its SO cute

Baby,  It’s Cold Outside | gen, Dick & Jason

The  (Family) Doctor’s  Appointment | gen, batboys bonding

The Family (or how Jason Todd was adopted by the Avengers) | marvel crossover, gen

Reason | wip, gen, canon divergence

Soliloquy | gen, tim & Jason brotp,  and really cute batfam moments

Red As The Shadow Of Death | gen, young justice/under the red hood verse

Give Yourself a Chance | gen, duke & Jason & leslie brotpish

homecoming | outlaws brotp fic, could be considered shippy if you want to

And I Said What About Breakfast at Tiffany’s | jason & steph

Of Bats and the Forsaken | jason & all the batkids, side steph/cass and jay/roy if you squint

this is a long drive (for three robins who don’t agree on much) | no capes au, steph & jason & damian, background tim/tam

The Dying of the Light | marvel crossover, bucky & jason, canon divergence

Cat | selina &  jason, catlad au

Killing for Love | cass & jason, au  where jason was lady shivas son  

Keep Lying To Me | de-aged au, just heartbreaking imo, cursed fic

The Social Habits of Robin | gen, batboys. Where_is_cass.jpg tho

Steph and Jay’s Excellent Adventures | series, Steph & Jason

Neverland | jason & batkids, young!jay travels to the future. sad asad sad

on a thin chain of moments and something like faith | gen, jason & cass & steph mostly. really good

Good News (No One Mourns the Wicked) | Jason & steph & damian. harold they’re dead

In a Parallel Life | batboys focused, it has amazing dialogue, dynamics, and characterization. It’s only missing Cass and the rest of the girls.

repairing the world | series, not everything is about the batfam.

Born to Run (Born to Rise) | Jason & Talia having a mother/son relationship reblog if you agree

Live to Rise | it updated again p recently so yay! young justice verse

To Save a Dying City  | jason + other people

Let’s Have Some Fun This Beat Is Sick | mostly damian centric

Movie Night: The Mummy  | read trigger warnings, batboys

The Trading Chain  | not jason centric, but it has cass being older than jason and calling him “little brother” so noice

we sure know how to run free  | jason & cass

Yesterday’s Voices | bruce loses his memory au

Nests and Cages series | read trigger warnings

Roots | barbara centric, really good plot and characterization

Love Yourself (So No One Has To) | good amazing au with selina & jason

Retrograde Motion | de aged jason au

Provenance | mostly roy centric, bruce fucks oliver’s life for what he did to roy. iconic

Schrödinger's Honest Man | sad, drugs tw, absolute fave 

Batten Down the Hatches | a few different aus here. young justice + helena wayne

My Brother's Keeper | jason & damian knew each other from before + damian arrives to gotham just for jason

White Christmas | bruce & robin!jason

until i'm in my grave v2 | this one is already mentioned in this post BUUUT the writer started rewriting it so!

Frozen History | de-age

Stargazer | jason n bruce patching their relationship.. its iconic

show me yesterday, for i can’t find today | time travel au

Warm Enough | alfred & jay fluff

Parallels | mia & jason team up

Legacy | reverse robins, not jason centric but hes there alright.. i think.. i cant remember :D

What are the words I'm forbidden to say?* | damian & jay fluff

Cracked Foundation| jason n damian

Cat's Cradle  | more jason n damian

spaces in between  | damian & jason again

When the lights go out  | damian & jason, theres a pattern here

in my head, i do everything right | some jason & steph

is it my fault? (we've been missing each other)* | past & future jason

life, if well lived* | jason travels back in time and meets martha & thomas wayne

In Charge * | babie jason

Pyrrhic victory* | jason & damian stuff

Twists and Turns* | more jason & damian bonding

Of Brothers and Batcows* | guess what.. yes! more jason & damian

This Car Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us* | jason & connor.. say no more!

First Gear* | back to jason & damian please read this.. damian tries to teach jason to drive

changing, falling, fading (please watch over me)* | jason bonds with damian & steph

ANGST

Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death [read the trigger warnings!!]

in the repairing the world series there are a lot of fics dealing with jason, tho Warm Enough ugh not all are centered around him. I would say read  Escalation | Coup de Grâce |  Interlude for the rh!jason arc, and  Tired &  Laundry for robin!jason. [also read trigger warnings]

Countdown | jason/roy]

those six days [trigger warnings again!!!]

Call | angst

the tune without the words  | kind of character study from jim gordon’s pov

Unspoken | jason/roy, really angsty if you remember how red hood arsenal ended

If He Had Come & Desiderium | arkham knight verse, read trigger warnings!

Reason | on hiatus :/

hold on to what we are, hold on to your heart   | this is my favorite ever.. read trigger warnings

Heavy Home | alfred & jason

until i’m in my grave [trigger warnings!]

Keeping Broken Pieces Together

Monsters | marvel crossover

gotta give the boy points | this one please!!!! another fav. read trigger warnings

The weight of it [trigger warnings!]

Live to Rise | young justice verse

Neverland | THIS ONE IS PURE ANGST!!! please its so sad..

Keep Lying To Me | this one has some angsty scenes too im sad emoji

hangman is coming down from the gallows  | some angst

Movie Night: The Mummy  | read trigger warnings, batboys

Love Yourself (So No One Has To)

All in the Blood [read trigger warnings]

Little Absences

Stargazer | jason n bruce patching their relationship.. its iconic

Rebirth * | mind the warnings and its really. sad.

The Failures of Reverse Engineering *

Eternal Soliloquy * | sad sad

throw me a lifeline (I might even catch it) *

changing, falling, fading (please watch over me) * | jason & steph & dami angst

[ohnohetaliasues]

Zila Umbra (Fairy Tail)

 (Kat)

I'm not sure if I've reviewed this before, but I don't think I have. Let's begin.

I was asked to delete the art by the artist, so I have. It was very well done, though.

i haven’t written her complete background yet but i have it written in my minD

This is off to a rocky start...

I’m curious about the issue with putting the ideas down on the profile, but I’m not here to nitpick.

Hello, yes, this is my blog, where I nitpick things. Enjoy your stay!

sOOSOoo her name is Zila Umbra and shes a lil bae and im still kinda n the process of designing her character so yee

Don't describe your OC as a 'bae' or I will kill you violently.

Also, 'bae' means 'poop' in Danish...

ok so when she was younger she found out that she could talk to the dead,

Okay, no. We haven't seen any ghosts in Fairy Tail other than Mavis, but she's only there because of her residual magic and the guild seal that acts as an extension. This is not Supernatural, contrary to the gif I just used.

and it completely paranoid her and her parents.

That's kind of mild....?

Just paranoid?

Her parents where completely religion based and basically thought she was the spawn of satan or something

The only church I can think of in Fairy Tail is the Church of Zentopia, and that was a filler arc. So please explain why her parents are Fairy Tail puritans.

and sent her off to a mental hospital that completely isolated her from others besides her ghosts

And they didn't just say 'Oh, that's your magic'? No, they just jumped to "SATAN!"

and thats really not something a little girl should have to deal with sOOOO she made friends with one specific ghost who actually turned out to be her mentor in magic.

That's... convenient.

She taught her that the reason she hears all the ghosts and voices is because of the eye she was born with is basically the sorce of most her magical energy so she started covering it up and her everlasting headache went away.

...No. Just no. That is not a thing. WHEN DID THE HEADACHE THING COME IN? Body parts are never magic in Fairy Tail, other than Erza's artificial eye. 

She was also taught that if she wore sage it would ward off bad spirits, so she put some sage in a small vile and put that on necklace and put the necklace around her neck and she wears it to this day uwu.

THIS IS NOT SUPERNATURAL.

she still could talk to ghosts and stuff though.

Oh yes, all benefits and no cons. She can still use her magic usually even though she covered up her eye?

Her mentor ( her name is darcy) taught her all the basics of magic and such as she lived in her little cell.

This is too dark for Fairy Tail.

Darcy though specialized in shadow magic, so she passed it on to zila (along with some knowlege on spells that let you use ghosts as your allies and stuff).

This is not okay. 

once zila had been taught all she could darcy taught her how escape and about a guild called fairy tail she could go to for help

Why wasn't she like 'Go to a soup kitchen' or a homeless shelter, but nooo, let's go to a MAGIC GUILD.

Also, Darcy is a ghost. Of course she's an expert at escaping. She can WALK THROUGH WALLS.

Zila made it out succsesfully after 3 years of being isolated ( and thus began her fear of being alone uwu)

i don't think she'd be able to function properly in society after being isolated for three freaking years.

once she made it to the guild she was let in and made friends quickly ( which really suprised her because she haddnt interacted with real people in like forever eheh)

Like I said, she wouldn't be able to function properly. She'd be quiet and reserved.

This is so improbable I CANNOT EVEN.

out of the children in the group

She is a CHILD WHO WAS IN ASYLUM FOR THREE YEARS WITH NOBODY BUT GHOSTS. ERZA WAS TRAUMATIZED WHEN SHE JOINED THE GUILD AFTER THE TOWER OF HEAVEN DEBACLE. SHE HAD TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS. SHE TOOK A VERY LONG TIME TO ADJUST. THAT'S JUST BEING HUMAN. THIS GIRL IS DEFYING LOGIC. BEING ALONE FOR SO LONG WOULD HAVE A SUBSTANTIAL IMPACT ON HER PSYCHE. 

and was usually the peace maker between gray and natsu bUT ITS ONLY BECUASE SHE LOVES THem,

She literally just stole Erza's job.

once erza came she was always trying to talk to her and make sure she wasnt sad because she felt sorry for her and knew that if she was going to be alone that it would be sad

It feels like this OC is ripping of Erza's struggle. 

anddddddd yeAH THATS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY BUT THEYRE BASICALLY BEST BUDS KINDA ANd they go on jobs together a lot ( like i imagine her being with erza when they came into the story line )

If she's S Class, I will scream.

shes such a little sweatheart too.

I am suffering.

Vehemently. 

She hums when she fights easy battles 

That... makes her sound insane. Nobody does that in Fairy Tail.

and will only cry if someone tells her its okay  

That is not good for your mental health.

Personality wise shes veRY VERY VERY VERY LOYAL AND PROTECTIVE OF HER FRIENDS

Oh gee, I didn't see this cliché coming.

LIke if she let a friend get hurt when she couldve prevented it she would be so dispointed.

Of freaking course.

Like every OC ever.

She DOSENT like seeing a people she cares about in pain

Nobody does, sweetheart.

so she’ll do her best to prevent it like rub natsus back while they’re on a train or in a car or somethin u kno.

Not even Lucy does that. Nobody wants him to puke on them. 

Shes pretty caring and forgiving unless you break a promise or betray the guild or somethin, but shes not overly forgiving of people who used to be bad and are now good unless shes had time to understand them and stuff idk. ALSO PLS DONT TrY TO HURT JUST HER FRIENDS IN FRONT OF HER BECAUSE SHES GOING TO tRY AND KILL U NO MERCy.

Wow, I so haven't seen that before in my three years of reviewing OCs.

ALSO she’ll straight up be like “I love you” if she loves you bUT JUST AS A FRIEND OK if she loves u romantically shes gonna hide it a bunch or iF SHE FInds out that you like her shes gonna blush all the time around you

Please no.

You know, for someone who was stuck in an asylum, alone, for three years, she sure acts like a normal teenage girl.

and just omg i love her.

You don't put that on an OCs profile.

You just don't.

She’s also pretty comfortable around people she knows so like if she’s on a train or somethin she will use grays shoulder as a pillow because iTS COLD AND SHES TIRED AND NOBODY CARES BECause it’s her and it’s completely normal for her.

Juvia would mind. Juvia would mind a lot. And so would Gray, to be honest. 

OveRALL SHES NICE AND FRIENDly and shes a pretty strong fighter and stuff and shes calm and optimistic and encouraging even though when shes fighting shes scaRY

There are no flaws anywhere.

a babe ok shes just a babe 

The more you say that, the more I want to kill her.

negative characteristic wise shes really paranoid still due to all the ghosts and shit,

Wouldn't she be used to that? Also, can't she keep away the bad ghosts?

SHE HAS THAT BIG FEAR OF BEING ALONE LIke she will stay by whoever shes with and usually they make sure they stay by her too because they kNOW SHES SCARED AS FRICK OF BEING ALONe.

The creator is trying to make a flaw. But these will not effect the OC in critical moments. 

but if shes confined in a place and has no idea if people are near her or not shes rEALLY SCARED EVEN THOUGH SHES A TOUGH MOMMA SHES SCAREd.

You are running in circles here. What is her weakness? The situation you provided would scare anyone! 

shes forgetfull but wont ever forget things really important eheh,

Yay, another weakness that isn't a weakness. 

I do this all the time. Many people do. You aren't a special snowflake.

she can get really anxious and worried for others, and when you upset her in a fight she might get upset and start being reckless but yOU REALLY GOTTA TUG ON THOSE HEART STRINGS (unless ur like ’ ima kill ur bud’ then its really easy for her to go cray on you, but usually

Okay, no. That is literally Natsu. This person is ripping other characters off.

Also, that was a run on sentence. It stars at "She's forgetful" and ends at "when that happens uwu." USE PUNCTUATION.

if the person being threatened is with her they’ll calm her down and she’ll be able to fight in a less reckless way), but once you do she goes a little insane and is more powerfull but gets hurt eaiser and dosent even care just as long as she fucks the other person up aND SHELL TELL EM TOO idk shes really violent/crazy/scary/blood-thirsty when that happens uwu.

What happened to "She's such a lovable sweetheart?"

Shes super ’ no mercy’ in fights too, mainly because thats what darcy taught her,

Was Darcy evil? Because in Fairy Tail, mercy is a virtue. Lucy would hate her if she showed no mercy. Even Natsu shows mercy, though he goes kind of ballistic if someone threatens his friends (especially Lucy). How did she get in if she shows no mercy? How did she even make friends?

and because she has no trust in the enemy to not hurt her after shes won. 

That doesn't justify that.

She has a bad sense of humor too ok shes a cutie

OH YES, SHE'S STILL A CUTIE.

Zila also has a little ghost friend named Boo ( it’s cliche but idec) who wears a bow with a spell that let’s other people see her on it.

Is Boo more powerful than Mavis now? Because Mavis's residual energy let the members of the guild with a mark see her, but that was the only reason. Nobody else could. But apparently, Boo is so powerful everyone can see her. 

Boo would have to be god-like in terms of power.

I call nonsense on that.

Boo is only with Zila when theyre ina care-free environment but Boo can’t talk and can only use facial expressions. Boo is bae too

If you call something 'bae' one more time, I am going to lose it.

Also, what sense does that make?

None.

(also heres what her eyes look like without her eye patch uwu)

That is such a generic thing to do with an OC.

Literally, just no.

Overall, this OC was terrible. She had no flaws, no weaknesses, and her ghost friend had god-like powers. I cannot even. I'll see you guys later.

~Kat

[joa123]

Chapter 1: Oblivion

*Knock knock*, that was about the tenth knock I heard on the door. Damn these fucking loan sharks and furniture people didn’t rest. I even caught one trying to turn the knob on the front door. Can you believe that. Son of a bitch was actually crazy enough to think that I had left the door open. What the hell did he think I was gonna do, let him come in, sit on my couch and eat my pop tarts, and let him berate me for 2 hours as to why I was late for the fifth week in a row, again, fuck that. If I just stand here long enough they have to leave eventually. It looks like mom forgot to pay Rent-a-Center for the 5th week in a row. Not at all surprising to be honest. But what did I expect. We were struggling to keep our heads above water for some time and at this point struggling had become an art form. Hiding from loan sharks was the tequila that burned the back of my throat and hiding from these assholes was the lemon that quenched the burn.

My knees were hurting from leaning over on the floor trying to look under the door to make sure the rent-a-center collectors had left. They started getting smart on me. Covering up the peephole so that way I would just reluctantly open the door without looking. HA! Those morons, their balls would fall off before they saw this pretty face again. After about 5 more minutes I left to my room and locked the door. I threw off my shirt, pants and accidentally flung a sneaker at the mirror from trying to take it off so bad and walked to my bathroom. It was probably the only thing good about living in this freaking house. I had my own bathroom. Not that it mattered a whole a lot considering my mom walked in whenever the fuck it suited her. Jesus Christ, Dominican parents are the worst. If you don’t live with them they bitch and moan about how you never visit them. And if you do live in their house and pay about 80% of the bills in this bitch like I do, you get no privacy.

You have to send out memos and public service announcements to let everyone and their mother know when and if your going to fuck, shower or shave and how often your gonna do it, just to make sure that someone unexpectedly doesn’t pop in and witness your tit halfway down someone’s throat. That is if you have tits, if you have something else, then just use your imagination. Over the years I had begun to hate being home. Vacations to me were a must every so often and I felt like I was losing oxygen all the time. I felt trapped, unfulfilled and literally felt like everyone was moving on with their lives.

They say never peer through someone’s window unless you want to live in the house, but from the outside looking in, anything is better than this. I mean look at me, Jo. Living in the same house I lived in since my senior year of high school, and I’m about to turn 26. And let me be clear, there's nothing wrong with being a fully grown adult and living at home, it just wasn’t my cup of rum. Besides this house felt tainted and dirty, not to mention the shit it has seen over the years. I mean I’ve been through 9 jobs, 5 boyfriends, 4 cats, 3 graduations, 2 siblings born, 2 cars.

But today was the day I was out of my wits. Anyone, from old man jenkins to the girl scouts could catch a beating. Real life lately had depleted me of any and all available fucks I had left to give. I needed something exciting, fulfilling, new and life changing. I had just started a new job in the city, I thought maybe that would do the trick. New environment, new people and it seemed easy enough. But I always felt empty. I slipped into the tub with seething hot water, hoping it would burn off the stench of misery. Today had just been a particularly rough day. Nothing and I mean nothing was going my way. Bill collectors were calling, the mailbox was filled with disconnection notices, it felt like my world was caving in. And all mom could do was cry. If you’re wondering why I don’t mention Dear old Dad, well don’t. I don’t necessarily have a problem with him. I guess if you’re an outsider looking in, he’s funny, charismatic and great with friends. The man could sell you water.

But if you’re on the inside looking out, like me, I can’t unsee the manipulative, devious, wife beating, bastard that he is. Nothing about him said father to me, and nothing about him made me want to reach out and try, so I never did. And here I am, 2 arms, 2 legs and a head later. Still walking, still breathing, still living. Well, surviving was more like it, but he didn’t need to know those details now did he. Once I saw that the tub filled up to a decent depth I closed the nozzle and let the heat overwhelm me. It felt amazing. As if the beating that reality was giving me was almost all worth it for this...well, I did say almost.

The water felt like a much needed embrace. I watched as the water first covered my toes, my legs then my stomach and watched as it eventually worked its way to my face. I completely submerged underwater, wetting my hair and felt the smooth liquid finally take my hair with it. I stayed underwater for bit, wanting the dirt from this weeks headaches to run away from my scalp. When I emerged I felt cleansed and soothed. I laid there for a few minutes, letting my thoughts run through me. I was so over it, if you know what I mean. I felt as though peace had evaded me and it has been that way for years now. I started to think, when is it all going to stop. The thinking, pondering, the yearning. Then I thought to myself maybe I should just take up a hobby, maybe that would make me feel better.

But what could be something that isn’t time consuming, expensive, yet that was invigorating and could stir up passion in me? I thought maybe writing would suit me. I had always loved English, loved reading stories and deciphering meanings, analyzing characters, maybe I could write about my shitty life and how there were days when I so badly wanted to end it. “I don’t know, I’ll think about it”, I said to no one in particular. The problem with me has always been that I lose interest in things quickly. If I start painting I'll like it for about a week. Then I’ll get bored and move onto something else or even worse, I’ll stay on airplane mode and wont even attempt to try something else. I have grown comfortable with mediocrity. What’s even worse, was that I wasn’t even attempting to make change, I just existing. Slowly but surely blending in with the rest of the mundane world. I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt my promise ring effortlessly slip off of my finger and fall to the bottom of the tub. Goosebumps ravaged my body and it felt as if someone had pulled it off and let the ring slip though their fingers. Which was strange since it fit perfectly. But maybe I had fiddled with it while I was sorting through my midlife crisis and hadn’t noticed thatI had loosened the grip on the ring.

I turned around in my tub so as to face the drain to catch the ring before it swam down the drain. It felt like the ring was running away from me. I kept smacking the bottom of the tub trying to grab the ring and it felt as though every time it slipped away, the ring was laughing at me. After about a minute of this charade, just when I thought I grabbed it, something entirely different grabbed me. I didn’t understand it then, but in that instance I was pulled under. By what, I don’t know, seeing as that my bathtub was only a foot and a half deep and about 3 feet wide, and this is me being generous.

What the hell could possibly be dragging me down a drain. A better question would be how the hell do I even fit in the damn thing. I felt as though I had gone through a door. Everything was pitch black, I felt movement but I couldn’t move myself, whoever or whatever pulled me under had an iron grip and was not about to let me go. Let it be noted that the had, although forceful in purpose, seemed soft and smooth to the touch, even though we were under water, or at least I think I’m underwater. Through my eyelids I could see colors both bright and beautiful. They reminded me of when you get hit across the face and all of the sudden these colorful circles would dance around your face.

It was strange that I couldn’t smell anything, I’m usually really big on smell. I couldn’t hear anything either I heard water splashing but I was neither wet, hot or cold. “What kind of fuckery is this,'' I thought to myself. Oh yea did I mention I couldn’t talk either? So any thought of asking my captive, “hey asshole, where exactly am I going butt ass naked”, was obviously out of the question. I finally hit the ground on what felt like dirt and rocks. It felt plush, the ground was soft and moist, not a great combination for the face but better than landing on concrete. I stood up immediately assuming the fighting position, I looked like I was in the middle of realizing I was high as a kite, knowing damn and full well I was acting ridiculous because I was high. I was ready, ready for what exactly I didn't know, but whatever brought me out of my bathtub was not about to catch me off guard, not if I could help it. Whatever happened, I was going down swinging.

I took a good luck around me, and just that quickly, all of the fight left my breath. The scenery before me captivated me and rendered me still. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Fields of grass and several different types of flowers laid before me for miles. Daisies, daffodils, sunflowers, you name it, all bloomed vibrantly and filled the air with rich fluorescent smells, and saturated the scene with vivid colors. It was as if the earth began and would end in this one place. The garden of Eden was a child’s coloring project posted on the refrigerator compared to what I was looking at. Further past the flowers was a mountain. The contrast between its snowy white peak mixed with the dark colors of the earth with the greens reds and oranges of the field, made the scenario all the more picturesque and surreal. Just when I was beginning to notice that there was no sign of life I noticed butterflies, at least that’s what they looked like, fluttering about I noticed that they had kaleidoscope colored wings that were transparent. This contrasted with the black details and definition of their antennas.

They were beautiful works of art that flew majestically. Unbeknownst to them, I envied them. Not only were they indescribably beautiful, but they were free, free of burden, free of remorse, debt, hatred and all of the things that plagued me on the inside. I bet they didn’t even know how beautiful they were or how pure they seemed. After all, how could something so beautiful carry any sort of malevolence. How I longed to be this free and transparent with my surroundings. I wanted to feel anxiety free, stress free. Perhaps if given time, this too can happen for me. “One day”, I muttered to myself. Just as I was about to grab this so called butterfly, as I was mere inches away from it, it popped right in front of me, as if I was blowing bubbles. It disappeared completely and not a single trace of it was left. “This day is just getting weirder and weirder”, I said to no one in particular.

I decided to walk around and see if I found anything to give me a clue as to where I was. The atmosphere was so clean, warm and inviting. I couldn’t really describe it. I was feeling everything at once. Happy, excited, wanted. It had felt as though no matter how nervous I should be in the not knowing where I was, nothing mattered more than being in this very place right here, right now. I had noticed that not a single piece of trash littered the ground anywhere. How the city paled in comparison to this paradise. There was no smell of waste, no debris, nothing even remotely unattractive.

Whoever came up with this place, must’ve been God himself. I saw a stream and walked towards it wanting to see if I recognized any animals. It was a dumb idea, I know but call me optimistic. I walked over to the bank, knelt down as carefully as I could not wanting to fall in the small body of water and risk getting wet this time. I looked at my reflection and it suddenly hit me. Why wasn’t I wet? Or cold? Or naked? I looked over at my reflection closer this time and saw that I was wearing what I could only describe as a large sheet cloth with an off white color.

The dress wasn't accentuating my curves at all, but nor did it make me look or feel any less feminine. I had just realized right then and there that this was the first time that I had seen myself all day. Lately I had felt so disgusted and disappointed in my life that I had left the thoughts of vanity to elsewhere. I brushed my hair aside and tucked it behind my ear. I had just recently cut it into a bob hoping that was the change I needed, sadly it was not. I got a good look at my tan skin, very smooth and blemish free, my small head in which I saw the high cheekbones, a plump bottom lip,a nose that I finally grew into and hazel eyes with a slight hint of yellow with an eerie glow. “What a minute”, I said silently as I leaned in closer to the water and was shook. My eyes were glowing. There was no way of unseeing what I saw. Not only did I see the yellow glow beam from my eyes. I could feel it. It felt as though my eyes were so bright from within me that it bothered me to have them open for too long.

I stood up quickly as if not looking in to the water would make what I saw any less true. I walked backwards, turned around on my heel and once turned around, tripped over a vine on the ground. My hand landed on what felt like a shoe. I looked up, effectively shaking the dirt off of my chin and saw a rather shiny shoe, both sturdy and leather. I looked up with hesitation and saw the most beautiful deep sea green eyes stare right back at me. The owner wasn’t half bad either. As I steadied myself back to my feet I noticed he was excessively tall probably around 6’4, if I had to guess with strong arms, a puffed up chest, steal muscles, and long hair, right around shoulder length but definitely longer than mine.

He was about two shades darker than me in skin tone. with a straight nose, high cheekbones and powerful legs that could probably outrun a horse. Yup, this dude definitely took his fitness seriously. He looked calm, yet a little too smug for my liking. I thought I’d take the initiative in the conversation seeing as we both stood what felt like an eternity staring at each other and neither one of us said a word. Although I have to admit my stare was more like ogling him with googly eyes, his was more out of curiosity and yet, with a slight hint of satisfaction. Almost as if he had caught what he was looking for. “So is the part where you try to kidnap me and I fight you to the death or what”, sure that’s what you say to a guy twice your size. He cocked his head to the side, it reminded me of when you were disciplining a puppy and it didn’t understand what you were saying. “I am confused, do you think me capable of hurting you,''he said calmly and soothingly. I could hear this guy talk to me all day. It definitely was not the answer I was expecting, but I’ll roll with it for now.

“Well I just fell through my shower drain into a magical universe with a Thor looking wanna be I don’t know, so my guess is yes Hercules”. The scrunched look on his brow indicated how annoyed he was at my description of him. “I am not Hercules, my name is Magales, warrior of the Western Pavilion and I am here on an assignment of which I intend to complete”. If his physique wasn’t going to make me like him even more, his name sure as hell would do the trick. He was sexy, in an ancient kind of way. His body was young looking but he looked wiser beyond his years. He looked to be about 30 years of age, but could pass off as someone in their mid twenties. The man named Magales folded his arms and held his position, letting it be known that he wasn’t budging. “Oh yea and what sort of assignment is that? Cause from over here it looks like your trying to win a staring contest”. He took two steps and was meet inches from my face. I was stunned at how broodily gorgeous he was. “ I am here to return you back to the land where you belong. With that being said, Welcome home, Guardian.

[depressionisabiotch]

Today was a bad day

May 9th

today was a bad day. this week hasnt been great but today was the worst and its partly my fault. you see, im currently going to uni for engineering bc i hate myself apparently. and im a dumbass, so you can see the issue here. I go to a very good uni reputation wise, but its hard as fuck, and engineering is hard as fuck. lets just say 2 students from difficult degrees commited suicide in the same campus building within a year of eachother. so, its some hard shit. 

i did not do well first semester, but i had extenuating circumstances, filed a petition and the uni was nice and withdrew the 3 courses i had absolutley tanked. so yay! you werent the only reasoning i had on my petition but depression you were finally good for something. So i then repeated the 3 courses i had tanked in second semester along with 2 other courses, and a seminar course, so 6 in total. then i was going to take the 3 courses i pushed from second semester during the summer term.

good news is: i passed 4/6 courses! bad news is that i failed linear algebra again, along with my electrical course, and i had only just scraped by with a 50 in calc and static mechanics that i repeated. so i was fucked. my average was 50.4% for 2nd term (as seminar course doesnt count towards it) which means i was so fucked. 

basically i have to repeat 1st year again in september. Don’t have to repeat the 2 classes i passed 1st semester the first time i did it, but have to repeat Linear algebra bc i got a 45, and i have to fucking repeat Calc and mechanics a-fucking-gain bc i got below a 70 so i dont retain the credit for them from 2nd semester bc i failed that semester. and i’ll actually only be a part-time student bc im only taking those 3 courses. And then the next semester ill be taking the electrical course i failed, and the 3 courses i was going to take this summer. dont have to retake the seminar or the 6th course bc i got a 68 in it and my advisor says that theyll most likely let me keep the credit bc its a v v work intensive course and my grade is close enough to the 70% requirement. 

so getting that news sucked major ass. and it really threw me off balance bc it changed up my entire plan for the summer and took away my routine. I dont do well at all with sudden change. if i know its coming then i can mentally prepare, but if its sudden like this then my entire world feels off. So my mental health has not been the greatest during the school year and then this curveball just took me out. ive just been sleeping the past 3 days which i know is bad, and then yesterday i ate absolute trash all day, and i hadnt been outside except for a brief 15 minute trip to the store for the trash i ate at like 10pm on the 7th. i was goign to go outside yesterday, the sun was out, but i just didnt. slept instead. which was bad. if i had gone out then maybe today wouldnt have been so bad

i woke up today and was just bad. my head hurts with a headache and just thoughts as well. didnt want to get up or do anything. wanted to rip my skin off. i accidentally kicked something on my floor and almost had a breakdown. couldnt sleep but was so tired. didnt want to read anything or watch anything. cried a bit in my bed bc i was so frustrated. just wanted it to stop and to feel better, but i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. 

i did what felt impossible. i put on some music to try and give me even a tiny boost and i got up out of bed. i went downstairs to the bathroom, put new clothes on, and laid on my floor and put a podcast on. had a small snack. just chilled on my floor for a bit. Then i went outside to go run the errands i had to do today. went to the grocery store to get sauce for my dinner, went to the drugstore to pick up my meds refill and my insurance wasnt on file or something and im still in no headspace to actually think correctly or interact with anyone so when the lady asked me if i had private insurance and i said yes then she asked if it was through my school i just said yes bc i was about 3 seconds away from a breakdown if she asked me another question. so then i gave her my student card and she went and did the thing. I technically should have given her my parents insurance, but i dont have a union card or any of the info for it, and i paid for the student healthcare plan anyways so you know what, fuck you uni, you can pay for my meds this time. then i ended up going back to the store to get a salad for lunch with leftovers for tomorrow as well.

when i got back i was so exhausted, so i laid down for a few minutes, had lunch and then got back into bed. I’ve now just been laying down in my bed since then but i havent gone back to bed yet so thats good. then i had the wonderful idea to make this blog bc i needed to get it all out. and maybe this will help, talking about my feelings and all that shit. a therapist would probably be a good idea, but this is what i’ve got for now. my headache is back in full force, and i still just feel icky all over and like my head is full of clouds and fluff and fuzziness and like i wont ever feel joy again, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

going to write a list of things i have to do tomorrow bc im heading back home on the 11th and need to get things sorted. 

i’ll lay here for a bit longer and then i’ll have to get up and make dinner eventually. going to learn how to make minute rice for the first time. maybe i’ll watch something nice on netflix, dont have the energy for reading right now. maybe some john mulaney, or ill rewatch avatar again.

until next time, keep kicking lifes bitch ass by being alive

[ohhhhmyblog]

#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

[fraudulence-paradox]

01/31/2021

So this is sort of weird but, I found this box of old letters from my exes. Only from M---- and K----y. I’m not sure why I kept M----’s, but then, I was going to throw them out, but I just couldn’t. Maybe after this I’ll be able to. It’s so fucking stupid that I cant. It makes me mad. I’m just too nostalgic for the past. For the past me, not even for the past them. I just liked who I was better 4 years ago than I do now. But anyway. To maybe help me get rid of them, I wanted to document what they said here so they wouldn’t be totally lost no matter what happened.

M----’s letters were pretty sparse. The first is from when she first moved to FL when we were dating for the winter season to go do her horse stuff. The second is from that same stint in FL (we only dated for like 1.5 years) and basically says “I miss you, sorry the letter isn’t longer, but I’m busy”. So, yeah. Probably gonna toss those now.

The ones from K----y feel different. Different because we were so young and dumb and stupid and thought we were in love. And they just get sadder and sadder as they go on. I’ll put them all here, in chronological order, with dates if applicable, or my best guess:

Letter 1:

5/9/12 (that’s all it says)

[I wrote this so I wouldn’t forget our anniversary. It doesn’t really count, but I thought I’d include it.]

Letter 2:

circa September 2012

I know I’ve already told you this a hundred times, but a hundred times more you’ll have to hear it. You are the luckiest and greatest thing to ever happen to me. You’re just so perfect and amazing and smart and gorgeous that it’s still so hard to believe that you’re even mine. I love you. I love you and I’ll never stop. I will love you forever no matter what. For real though, every time I look at you it’s like I just completely want to be burst with how much love I have for you. And because of how cute and insanely gorgeous you are, but mostly from love. You really are extremely attractive though, and I don’t know if you believe me or see it or whatever but you really are. I still haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly what it is about you that makes you look that way, but I think it’s either your eyes or your smiles. You’ve got an absolutely flawless smile. That alone can just make me happier than anything. Same with your laugh. Like when you are laughing, really honestly laughing, its just, god, the most crazy awesomest thing I’ve ever heard. I actually can’t even begin to describe how happy it makes me. I love you. I never want to go back to what everything was like before I met you. Oh and apart from all this stuff, you’re like the first person I have met so far that actually looks beyond the surface. That is the one quality in a person that I had above all the others. (wow I’m starting to get ranty and repetitive). Well anyway, my point is you are completely irreplaceable to me. I’ll never stop being completely in love with you. You are my whole existence and I know that whatever happens, I’ll be fine as long as I have you.

With love, forever and always

-K----y

Letter 3:

circa January 2013?

So I just want to talk and talk and talk and never shut up because I’m just so stressed our right now you would never believe it. I’m not trying to worry you or anything. I just need to get something out before I burst.

I just actually can’t focus on anything right now I’m just like gah! And I have a headache and want to get up and wander around or something. I want to just get the fuck out like a seriously can’t handle this right now. It’s not even boredome it’s more of just, “oh my god I cant” like oppressive emptiness. No, not emptiness, more like nothingness? I don’t know how to explain it other than I just don’t want to sit around and listen to people talk. I think I want to be alone, but Ihave no idea and got theres nothing I can do but sit here and think about it. I want to go home but I don’t and seriously it’s just freakin me the fuck out. Oh my fuck I actually cant go home that wont help but I really don’t know what to do! Maybe I actually want to talk to people but no but yes. Too much energy. Can I just cry and break something? This is just way too much stress to be having on a Friday. I’m worrying so much about god knows what and holy hell I want to stop but I cant. I need to stop. Just stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. That’s a funny word like top but with an s. What am I even doing serioiusly. This is just totally freaking me out ugh. Sorry, I’m really not trying to get you worried. Seriously. I just need to throw everything up out of my head.

I think I should do something when I get home like I don’t know, something other than watch TV or homework or draw or read because that will stress me out more. I don’t know what even seriously maybe you could tell me a story? Why am I even asking that… but seriously, I kinda want that. And I could watch the history channel or something but I just want to watch a history documentary. That’s actually what I want to do. And eat something like pasta or maybe a taco. I can paint my toenails maybe.. and clean my shoes. No just kidding I don’t want to do that. Tell me more about, I don’t know, everything. Please? Okay actually I’m feeling a little bit better now, but I need to keep writing until this class is over to make sure…

So I just went up to the teacher for her to check some stuff. No idea why you’d care about that but I had to say it. Einsam apparently means lonely. But it’s an annoying word because it looks like an indefinite article when it’s actually an adjective, I think? Not that I got that wrong on my work, because I did know that before, I was just saying. This is too easy but I still hate adjective endings. Whatever, it has to be done. I’d rather do this than go to government. Okay, I’m actually a lot more relaxed now. Ignore the front side of this paper; I couldn’t find any other. It’s relative clauses if you’re wondering.

Now I’m kinda hungry for a burger. Like really hungry for one… I should be finishing my work though… but no, I can do it for homework. I like having German homework. It makes me feel like I’m actually learning something. It’s the only thing in school so far that I’ll actually use later in life, and is fun. There's five minutes left. I don’t use apostrophes… is that a bad thing? [transcriber’s note: oops, I’ve been adding them back in] I think maybe it is. I don’t know if I’ll do anything about it though.

Yeah okay I feel so much better now. I don’t know if you should worry anymore. Maybe a little but I’m sorta good.

Okay, I love you! Gotta go!

Letter 4:

Circa January 2013?

I swear I could never tell you enough just exactly how much I love you, how much you mean to me. It just makes me want to hold you tight and completely melt into you so I’d never have to leave your warmth and never ending kindness and love. You’ve just made me happy and feel so much better. It’s like just seeing you can make my worries go away and I know that I can face anything the day throws at me. You have no idea how much that means to me. And god, you’ve seriously made me feel just so much better about myself. The way you seem to see my flaws as perfection (even though you argue that I have no flaws) is just… I seriously can’t tell you how that’s helped me. I love you so much. You’re like heaven rent or something, really. I don’t even get how you can see any imperfections in yourself, because honestly, you’re like exactly how a person should be. You have all the good qualities a human could ever possess. If everyone were like you, this world would be such a better place. But everyone is not like you so that makes you the rarest treasure of all. And you’re mine. You’re my treasure. Because of that, I will always keep you close and value everything about you and everything we share. Forever, until the day I die, and much longer.

With all my love,

K----y

Letter 5:

Circa October 2013

I’m sorry. For everything. Do you want me to step out of your life forever? Because if that’s what you need, I’ll do it for you. Sorry I couldn’t say this out loud. I’ll just end up crying if I do. And I don’t want you to feel guilty about this. I’m terribly sorry that I’m not perfect for you. I did my best, but I fucked up (even if you won’t say it). You deserve a less clingy and a smarter girl to be with. It’s so hard to say this because whether you like it or not, I’m still very much in love with you. I’ll still do anything for you. This is just so hard though… harder for me than for you, I know. But no matter what you want, I’m not going to be happy for a long time. I can’t get over you that fast. You still mean the world to me. I’m not going to be looking for anyone else for a couple years. At least until college or whatever. But regardless, nobody will be able to replace you, and I don’t mean getting married and stuff. Just little things. But it’s okay. It really is. Sorry to be bothering you more. I know that you just want to move on. I just wanted to say that I love you one last time.

Letter 6:

Circa November 2013

[Written on the outside of the folded note]

Please at least read this before you throw this out.

[Content of the note]

Hey I know that you’re pissed off at me for some reason and you want me to cut off all communication with you, but honestly I just want the awkwardness to go away. It truly doesn’t have to be this awkward. I’m just trying to be polite with you. Yeah, I know, I’m not one hundred percent over you, but I’m doing the best I can. I’m not trying to get with you, or break you and C---- up. I know that there’s absolutely nothing I can do about the situation, so I’m just trying to wait the pain out. I’m not waiting for you. The only reason why I hang out with your friends is because I like them. I’m really not trying to seduce you. If it hurts you too much to see me (which I seriously doubt since you’ve made it very clear how you feel about me and you’re so over it) then you need to man up and just tell me. Talking to me won’t be leading me on. I have no idea what I did to you to make you hate me so much. I’ve apologized and apologized and I seriously meant it. Yeah, I slipped up about the texting thing, but that won’t happen again. I don’t know your motives and they’re none of my business anymore, but please just be polite to me. If you’re truly upset with me, just tell me why. I’m not angry with you, I just seriously have no clue why you’re acting like I ruined your entire life. So please don’t be mad at me for giving you this. I don’t even need an answer.

I just don’t give much of a shit anymore. I know you’re never coming back and I know you’re much happier with C---- than you ever were with me. And that makes me happy. So I don’t care that you never want to see me again. Just please know that you don’t need to keep dragging this out. I just want to be friendly with you. So yeah.

I’m not trying to make you mad or annoy you, I swear it. I just felt like you needed to know. For my own sanity, as selfish as that is.

-from you know who