#and i’m worried abt my grandmother too bc she’s upset about all of this

[cxsmicmyeon]

hey

warning for talking about death in the tags

[s0apshipping]

i don’t like to make depressing posts anymore but i need to write a vent post abt my current headspace

tldr i’m not in an exceptionally good place mentally right now bc my grandmother is dying

i know this isn’t fc related but i figured id post this here to my side blog too so my followers here are aware of how im doing in case im more quiet than i already am

so i’m not doing super great ATM to say the least. im going thru a depression bc my paternal grandmother doesn’t have much time left. for months she’s been complaining of various health problems and was finally rushed to the ER early tuesday morning and has been there since. she has been diagnosed with a heart attack (her 3rd one), pulmonary embolism, sepsis, failing kidneys and extreme hyperglycemia all in a matter of days. her condition has taken a nosedive since then and she’s no longer coherent and is hallucinating likely due to sepsis. they have her on a variety of meds but it’s still a poor prognosis. she lives in an apartment complex but if she survives she’s not going to be able to live on her own. she is going to be in a nursing home and will probably not make it more than a few months.

i really need to be there for my dad and his sisters and be strong for them. but it’s so hard. my father’s work is being very demanding of him on top of this, and i’m really worried about his mental state as well as his physical health (he has high blood pressure and neurological issues and i’m so worried he’ll have a stroke)

don’t usually like to make sad/depressing posts online anymore because i don’t like upsetting people and bumming them out. but i want ppl to be aware of my current mental state in case im acting different or being even more inactive on social media than i already am.

[happystonedhippie]

i’m no longer living in silence. you want to drag my name thru the mud? guess what? you forgot that i know the truth avery.

TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS AB*SE SH UNALIVE DR*GS ALC AND MORE

it started freshman year of high school. my bsf introduced the two of us to each other and i took one look and thought “omg she’s so gorgeous”

from that moment on, i was entirely enamored with you. i spent every day, worrying abt you. if you had eaten, if you were ok, if your parents had done anything. i spent HOURS on the phone with you trying to talk you out of unaliving yourself, self harm, drugs, starvation, and more. it had gotten to the point where i literally had no idea what my own feelings where anymore, because i ignored them so much to help you with your own.

i was constantly trying to shower you with attention and love.

sophomore year.

shit started going down hill. the manipulation kicked in. when you’d get upset w me, you never communicated. you’d just get angry. leaving me to think it was my fault. that i deserved to be called names.

that’s just a short summary of that year too 🙄

junior year

i went to texas with my grandmother to see my baby cousins. you knew i was deep into my depression at this stage. you knew i was struggling. i woke up one day, to my phone blowing up. someone had hacked into my old snapchat, sent messages to themselves that were inappropriate to frame me as a cheater. you believed them. you told me i was a slut. you sat by as Rose told me i was an attention whore for wearing shorts. you constantly told me to kill myself. that i was nothing. that i was worthless.

senior year

we didn’t date much this year, but somehow you still found ways to hurt me. you constantly lied and manipulated me, gaslit me to no end, and more.

after high school

we moved in together. i thought this would be the end of the pain. that we’d be happy. but i was wrong. we agreed to an open relationship, which i will say was a bad move on both of our parts. but we had rules.

no sleeping w others

we both have to be ok w the person

and we have to communicate and establish boundaries

not only did you ignore every single one of the aforementioned rules, but you slept with Derek while i was in the same house. i was in the living room, i heard you. and then you had the audacity to lie to me about it the next day to my face

when i needed you, you weren’t there. so i went to your work to wait for you to get off bc you were the only person i knew in that city. you called me insane and told me to fuck off.

when you moved out, you swore it’d be just like normal. but instead, you ghosted me for two months after leaving me with all of the rent and utilities for a house we rented together.

and then finally, after all that happened, i texted you and said i still wanted to be friends. you said you had just had a threesome.

now? now you’re deliberately trying to ruin my life to this day. move on avery. leave me alone. for once, just let me be happy.

i’ll be reblogging this with the last messages you sent to me. i’m done living in silence.

Avery Madison Clark is my abuser. and i’m so tired of being ashamed of my past because of her.