#and i won’t watch anything that smells misogynistic but i won’t watch a new Woke Show

[livvyofthelake]

like do i need to just take the L and watch psych. is that what i need to do. i mean i’ll do it if it comes down to it but jesus is this what we’ve come to

[spn-asks-00-blog]

Soulmates

Request: Hi there! I have a cas x reader request in which the reader is captured by Metatron and when Cas comes to save her, Metatron reveals that the reader is Cas' soulmate.

Word Count: 

Warnings:

be sure to check out the special message at the end of the post!

---------------------------------

“I dont like this.” Cas said for the millionth time. You, Sam and Dean exchanged a look.

“We’ve been over this Cas. Like twelve times.” you reminded him, “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“I don’t want to use you as bait.”

“Well the ghost is only going for biological females, and seeing as the rest of you don’t have a-”

“I understand.” Castiel said pointedly, making it clear you didn’t have to elaborate. “I just… I just have a bad feeling.”

Sam and Dean rolled their eyes, but you couldn’t help but think it was kinda cute, the way Cas was so concerned. His forehead scrunched up and his eyebrows knitted together slightly. You and Cas weren’t together, but some days- make that most days- you wished you were. He was adorable and loveable, and he was also genuinely a good person. Sam and Dean were nice and all, and there was no denying that they were hot (like really hot), but there was just something about Cas, something that gave you a tingle in your stomach and a flutter in your heart. You could have sworn that sometimes he did little things that showed he liked you in the same way, looking at you when he thought you didn’t notice, always choosing to sit in the back of the impala with you, instead of shotgun with Dean, brushing his fingers against yours when he walked past. You had always thought you were imagining it. Cas was a powerful beautiful angel (or he was before the fall, anyways). Why would he be attracted to a puny hunter human like you?

“We’ll be there the whole time, just hidden.” Dean said, snapping you out of your thoughts, “We’ve done this with Y/N at least a dozen times.”

“Yeah. Bitter old spirits tend to be misogynistic. Probably because women didn’t like them when they were alive.” you joked, trying (unsuccessfully) to set Castiel at ease, “I’m a good hunter, Cas. It’ll be fine.”   He sighed, realizing he was fighting a lost cause.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

~

You walked through the dark halls of the abandoned house. This was it- the place Elija Greenbay had died fifty years ago, and the place he still haunted, according to the lore. The boys weren’t far off, but you had your salt-loaded pistol hidden in your coat pocket. You heard a bang around the corner, and whirled around, clutching your gun more tightly in your pocket. The last thing you saw was a white flash that was definitely not ghostlike before everything went black.

~

When you woke, the first thing you noticed was that your wrists hurt. A lot. You blinked a few times, trying to clear your vision. You glanced down and realized the reason your wrists hurt is because they were bound tightly to the arms of a chair. So were your legs, and your mouth was duct-taped. There was no way you were getting out of this without help. But how could a ghost have done this? And that light… it had looked-

“About time you woke up.” An overly cheerful, slightly manic voice rung through the darkness.

“Angelic” you finish yourself bitterly. Metatron.

“I gotta say, the sexist ghost was a nice touch on my part,” he mused, stepping into the dim light like the dramatic he was, “No way the Winchesters and Castiel would leave you alone otherwise.”

Unable to say anything, you simply glared.

“Aw, don’t look at me like that. I like you Y/N. I really do.” He said sincerely, “But the neutral faction won’t join up until I’ve got a way to control Castiel. In fact,” he glanced at his watch, “They should be here any minute.”

Despite your circumstances, your heart soared. If he was meeting other angels, you had to be somewhere on earth. And if you weren’t in heaven, the boys could find you. Cas could find you.

Metatron laughed, as if he were following your train of thought.

“Don’t get too excited, Y/N. There’s no way your angel boyfriend and boy toy one and two can find you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Metatron whirled around, only to find Castiel standing in the doorway. And he looked pissed.

“What-? But there’s no way-” Metatron spluttered, looking back and forth between you and Cas.

“Let her go, Metatron.” Cas said, his deep voice echoing through the abandoned warehouse.

“But wait,” Metatron said, ignoring Cas and taking a closer look at you, “He couldn’t have found you unless-”

“Stop.” Castiel said, and there was almost a hint of desperation in his voice. Then Metatron started laughing, a real, deep, clutching-your-stomach-for-air laugh.

“It really is more than a crush! What a plot twist!” he giggled.

“What are you talking about?!”  you wanted to scream, but the stupid gag wouldn’t let you speak.

“It’s nothing.” Castiel said, and this time there was definitely a nervous note in his tone.

“Nothing?” Metatron said, raising an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t call soulmates nothing.”

Soulmates?

“Free her Metatron. I won’t ask again.” Cas said, refusing to meet your eye.

“What are you gonna do, blow your love-dust on me?” Metatron snickered.

“No.” A new voice from the back of the warehouse spoke, “I’m gonna do this.”

Dean slammed his hand on the Angel banishing sigil, and Cas and Metatron disappeared in a flash of light.

“CAS!” you tried to scream, but with the duct tape it just sounded like a muffled shout. Sam ran over to you, ripping off the tape and slicing your bonds.

“Cas! Wh-”

“He’s fine, Y/N.” Sam reassured you, “It was part of the plan. He said he could use the power of the sigil to direct himself to the bunker.”

“But how-”

“I don’t know, but we have to get out of here.”

You nodded, still dazed from the new information.

You?

And Cas?

Soulmates?

Yeah right.

But still, Cas had been nervous when confronted with it. Was it just an act to further the distraction? To give Metatron the juicy plot twist he wanted?

Your questions would have to wait until you were home.

~

When you finally pulled into the bunker’s garage, Cas was there waiting for you. As soon as you stepped out of the Impala he encompassed you in a hug, pulling you in close and holding you tight. You melted right into it. Cas always smelled nice, like honey and fabric softener- two things that shouldn’t go well together but somehow did.

Sam cleared his throat awkwardly.

“I’m just gonna go… study some lore.” He muttered, making a quick getaway from the garage.

“I’m gonna help.” Dean said, winking not so subtly at Cas.

The angel released you, and you leaned against the side of the Impala.

Cas sighed.

“I’m sure you have questions.”

“Yeah. Was Metatron… was he lying about us being… soulmates? Whatever that means.”

Cas bit his lip in a way that made you want to give him another hug, but you restrained yourself.

“No,” he said, “It’s true. That’s how I was able to find you. Our souls are connected. I knew where to look.”

Your stomach unintentionally did a backflip. But Cas didn’t exactly seem happy, which made you nervous.

“You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Cas bit his lip again.

“It’s common for an angel to be bonded to a human, but for the human to not feel the same affections. I always thought-”

You grabbed his tie and smashed his lips onto yours. He seemed startled for a second, but then regained his composure and deepened the kiss. You could feel his lips smiling beneath yours as you pulled away.

“You,” you stated, “are an idiot.”

He grinned happily, kissing you again.

“So it seems.”

-----------------------------

Hey fanfic reader, @fandomadocumentary here. We’re two students making a documentary about fandom, and we’re trying to do some research on reader insert fanfiction. We have an anonymous 3-question survey designed to understand how people interact with reader insert fanfiction. You can answer it for this fic, or any other reader insert fic you’ve read! If you have a spare 30 seconds, please check it out! Take the survey here: https://goo.gl/forms/wAtmk07tz3u3If7w1

Thanks for reading! The Fandomentary team

[liberaleffects]

 FROM HELEN:

Don’t get me wrong, I love my home.  Unfortunately, my home is located in Texas, and in this state, we liberals are all tired.

The rest of the country woke up last November and said, “Oh Shit.  What just happened to this country?”.   But all of us in Texas woke up and said, “Oh Shit.  The rest of the country just became Texas.”

We’ve been dealing with race baiting, misogynistic, religious nut-jobs for decades.   For us, the craziness started when George W. Bush became Governor in 1995.  Now just imagine how tired you would be if the government had been trying to grab your pussy for 22 years.  Even my husband gave up sooner than that, God rest his soul.

Yes, Texas has a long history of electing morons and, somehow, we’ve survived.  But I warn the rest of you, if you think Texas is the benchmark you might want to consider these recent headlines:

Texas Industrial Plants Spewing Pollutants Illegally

Abandoned Texas oil wells seen as “ticking time bombs” of contamination

Environmentalists Ask EPA to Strip Texas’ Regulatory Authority

In Washington, Texans Continue to Question Ozone Science

Texas Governor Abbott Signs Bill to Limit Pollution Lawsuits

Abstinence-Only Texas High School Hit By Chlamydia Outbreak

Texas School District Sex Education Compares Non-Virgins To Chewed Gum

Texas Governor Rick Perry Struggles To Answer Question About Sex Ed: ‘Abstinence Works’

Texas Governor Tweets Marriage Was Defined by God

Texas places 43rd among states in national education ranking

Texas has the highest rate of repeat teen pregnancy in the nation

Texas has highest maternal mortality rate in developed world, study finds

Now any of those are reason enough for most Texans to not want to get out of bed, but that last one is particularly alarming.   When Texas moved to defund Planned Parenthood our maternal mortality rate doubled.  Doubled. Texas politicians are literally killing women.   And you might not have heard this expression before, but it is becoming agonizingly clear – As Texas goes, so goes the nation.

Our President admitted on camera to molesting and assaulting women.  That alone should have disqualified him to be anything in politics.   But what I fear now is that his politics won’t just assault women, it will kill women.  And for those of you hanging on to the hope that Ivanka is going make it all better, I offer you this headline:

President Trump signed legislation Thursday allowing states to withhold federal family planning funds from Planned Parenthood

The election of Donald Trump was alarming to the majority of voters because the majority of voters did not vote for him.  And those that did, usually defended their vote by saying, “I like him because he speaks his mind.”   Well I say, if your mind is full of shit, speaking your mind is akin to farting in public.  And if you think I am wrong, then smell these quotes from The Donald himself:

Donald Trump at the third presidential debate: “Nobody respects women more than me.” Three minutes later: “Such a nasty woman.” (October 19, 2016)

“I sorta get away with things like that.” —Donald Trump, on bursting into Miss Universe pageant dressing rooms

“Believe me, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell you.” –Donald Trump, mocking the women who alleged he sexually assaulted them, suggesting his accusers weren’t attractive enough to earn his attention. (October 14, 2016)

“You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” –Donald Trump in a 2005 interview with Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush

There was a time when Texas got it right.   We ushered in the great Ann Richards as Governor when her Republican opponent, Clayton Williams, joked, “Rape is kinda like the weather. If it’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”

If only jokes about assaulting women were still reason enough to lose an election…

I watch the news everyday waiting for a reporter to ask Sean Spicer if being President means  Trump has been able to grab even more pussy.  It hasn’t happened, but an old gal can dream.

Both Texas and the U.S. used to be great.  In a few years, maybe we can elect someone who can make them great again.  I mean it.  Really.

 FROM MARGARET

Cheer up, dear.  Our favorite new movie Silver Skies is out.   And knowing that you live there, I have no doubt Texas will be great again.  You are not too much older than The Donald.  Run for office.  I’d vote for you.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Women’s March

Summary: Steve watches over the safety of the Women’s March... but he didn’t realize the threat was Y/N. 

I wrote this through my frustration and anger at our country’s current political situation. It was somewhat cathartic...

Pairing: Steve x Fem!Reader [Platonic Bucky]

Word Count: 1,472

Steve was in full Captain America gear: mask strapped on tight and shield securely on his back. He paced the length of the roof he was observing from. Every so often, he’d glanced down at the marchers below. Seeing a wave of pink brought a small, content smirk to his lips.

Someone’s feet landed behind him. Steve remained calm. He’d know those footsteps anywhere.

“It’s sort of amazing, isn’t it?” Bucky said as he walked up behind Steve. He too was watching the women below.

“Sort of?” Steve scoffed at the use of vocabulary.

“You’re right… it’s more than amazing. A racist, misogynist gets elected president of the United States and 2 million people march against it.” Bucky said in awe.  

Steve had rallied some of the team to stand guard at the marches across the country. He said these women should feel safe while they fought for their rights. Vision was the one to state the low statistics of any harm coming to the marchers, but Steve didn’t care. Bucky was the first to volunteer. Natasha, Wanda, and Y/N had already planned on joining the march incognito.

“What do you reckon Peggy would’ve said if she could see this?” Bucky asked.

Steve finally glanced up from the crowd and met Bucky’s gaze. “I think she’d be ashamed that they’re still protesting these things.”

Bucky chuckled at that, realizing now that his question was stupid.

Steve sighed, looking around at all of DC’s buildings. Their view was amazing. “I gotta be honest, Buck. Sometimes I wonder… if we woke up another 100 years later, would we still be fighting these battles?”

Bucky nodded. “I know what you mean, Steve. But you have to admit, things have still improved since our day.”

“Things are looking good in Chicago. How’re you in DC?” Sam’s voice spoke into both of their earpieces.

Steve’s finger went to his ear. “So far, so good.”

Then he turned his attention back to his friend. “Did you see Y/N leave before you did your rounds around the capital?”

Bucky looked confused. “She wasn’t with Nat or Wanda when they left.”

Steve instantly had a bad feeling. His finger when back to his ear piece, “Romanoff, is Y/N with you?”

Static came back to him before she responded, “She said she wasn’t feeling well when we tried to get her to come with us.”

Steve was with her this morning. She looked completely fine and never mentioned anything about feeling sick to Steve. But she had also been uncommonly quiet. Steve knew something was off, but Y/N had been angry and dejected ever since Trump was elected.

Then Steve realized what was happening. “Shit!” He snapped before sprinting toward the door that would lead him to the ground level.

Bucky was running after him. “What the hell is going on?” He yelled behind.

“Y/N…” was all Steve managed to sputter out before he was fighting his way through the crowds of people.

“What about-” Bucky stopped mid-sentence, having put it together. “Jesus Christ.” He muttered to himself. Then he put his finger to his earpiece. “All DC divisions, I need all eyes on the lookout for Y/N.”

“Well that might be a little difficult, seeing as she’s a damn shape shifter.” Nat was the first to respond.

“Just do it!” Steve yelled back. He was working his way in the direction of The White House. Him and Bucky stuck out like a sore thumb. Even if they were out of uniform, their height and bulk contrasted against all the women.

“I…I can sense her.” Wanda chimed in.

“Wanda, I’m going to need you to try a little harder than that.” Bucky clarified as he tried not to pummel everyone keeping up with Steve.

“She’s…she’s at 10th and New York Ave.” Wanda cheered in excitement. Then her voice changed. “Oh, god. Steve, you have to hurry!” She had seen enough of Y/N’s energy and mind to realize what was going on.

“I’m trying…” Steve muttered back.

The crowd was thinner the further away from the stage they got. Steve was in a full on sprint as soon as the space allowed it.

“Wanda, can you tell what form she’s taken?” Steve huffed in between breaths.

Bucky could see The White House in the distance. They were getting close.

Wanda started rattling off description of the form Y/N had taken as best she could. Bucky and Steve’s eyes raced around the streets. They were further away from the march, especially now that the rally had started a while ago.

“I think I see her!” Steve yelled out to Bucky. He didn’t run this time. In a calm, forceful walk, he made his way to the person as their back was turned to them.

Steve grabbed them by the jacket and planned on dragging them behind a building that was in shadow. To his surprise, they flipped around in his grip landed a punch to his face immediately followed by an elbow jab.

“Yep…that would be Y/N.” Bucky said in a sardonic tone.

As soon as she was shocked by Steve’s appearance, her body morphed back to its true form. “Steve!? What the fuck are you doing here?” She yelled.

Steve touched his lip to find it bleeding from both of her hits. “Where exactly were you headed, Y/N?” His held absolutely no humor and his gaze darkened.

“I was scoping out the area.” She replied confidently. Y/N was an amazing liar. She came from the same Black Widow program as Natasha, only she had been cunning enough to escape. While Natasha needed to be saved, Y/N was dangerous enough to fight her way out.

“Don’t lie to me, Y/N.” Steve’s tone sounded hurt.

Y/N’s eyes blackened. She knew he figured it out. “It needs to be done.” She started walking away but Bucky blocked her path. “Move Barnes. You know you can’t stop me.”

“We can’t let you do this, Y/N.” Bucky felt torn. He didn’t want to fight her.

“Y/N,” Steve called behind her. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing. But you can’t. You’ll be betraying yourself more than anything. You won’t be able to live with it.”

Y/N whipped around to face him now. “Look what he’s done already! Doesn’t this look familiar to either of you?” Her voice was desperate, yet utterly frustrated. “He’s going to hurt people…you don’t understand what he’s capable of!”

“This isn’t you, Y/N.” Steve whispered.

“I was a killer before, I can do it again.”

“You’ve changed. You’re better than that now.” Bucky added.

“Y/N… I-I can’t protect you if you kill him.” Steve sounded destroyed.

“Back then... you’re saying you wouldn’t have tried to kill Hitler? If you knew you could do it, if a chance was given to you… you wouldn’t have taken it?” Y/N hissed at Steve.  

His head bowed, knowing she was right. “Times were different then. We were at war.”

“Don’t you see it, Steve?” Y/N whispered. “History is repeating itself.”

“You’ll go from being an Avenger to being an assassin, Y/N. We can’t let you do that.” Bucky tried to reason with her, seeing Steve fading.

Y/N slowly turned to face Bucky. “If I have to give that up to save people, I’ll do it.”

“What about me? Will you give me up?” Steve murmured brokenly.  

It made Y/N’s heart stop for a moment. Then tears started to sting her eyes. “I-I don’t know what else to do, Steve. I’m scared. I’ve never been scared in my whole goddamn life…and now I’m terrified. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Next thing she knew, Steve had his arms around her. She started crying into his chest. His warmth, his smell, just his mere touch broke her down.

“I feel helpless. I don’t know how to fight this type of battle.” She sighed as she rubbed her back soothingly.

Bucky looked at the two with empathy. Steve and Y/N would do anything to help those in need. The scary part about Y/N though was that she didn’t know where to draw the line. At some point, the KGB had broken her moral compass. That’s why they needed one another, Bucky thought to himself. Y/N needed Steve to stop her from destroying herself in her efforts to protect. And Steve needed Y/N to force him to take risks in his personal life, not just in saving the world.

Steve now barely pulled away, but kept Y/N close with his hands tightly gripping her shoulders. “I know things are going to be hard. But we won’t let history repeat itself. I will fight with you through all of this. But we’re going to do it the right way.” He kissed her forehead. “I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“It’s not just our country that needs us, Steve. It’s the world.”

[idratherbebaking]

Bachelorette Cast Preview

Y’all, I’m so psyched for this season of “Bachelorette.” Rachel is so amazing, and I expect she won’t take any shit. (Or at least I hope so!) It’s awesome that we’re finally (finally!!) getting a Bachelorette of color, and one who’s so obviously smart and funny and put together and gosh I just want to be friends with Rachel so much!

So, since the premiere is tomorrow, they put up the cast bios!! Let’s get down to judging these men...

First, though, we’ve got our lead.

my fave!!

Rachel Lindsay, a fan favorite on the 21st season of ABC's hit romance reality series The Bachelor, starring Nick Viall, is the next woman to hand out the roses and attempt to find her own happy ending when The Bachelorette premieres for its 13th season on May 22.

Rachel's enchanting smile and laid-back southern charm landed her Nick's first-impression rose. From then on, the jury's been in, and Bachelor Nation has been unanimous in its support of the bright and beautiful attorney from Dallas, Texas.

Rachel, 32, obtained her under graduate degree at University of Texas at Austin, then went on to receive her law degree from Marquette University in Milwaukee. Driven and passionate about her career, Rachel quickly joined a prestigious law firm in Dallas after graduation. Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open. [I see what you did there, ABC]

When she's not in the courtroom, Rachel enjoys jamming out to Michael Jackson and Prince, playing basketball and watching scary movies. Her future husband will need to be smart, funny, have a decent jump shot [A+ checklist, it’s working for me so far] and be willing to compete for her attention with the two other men she holds dearly: her handsome nephew, Allister, and her adorable dog, Copper.

Rachel went through the trials and tribulations of falling in love with Nick on The Bachelor. Now it will be her turn to "investigate" a group of wonderful men and find her soul mate.

idk why “investigate” is in quotes there? I guess it’s tangentially related to her being a lawyer? Weird.

They’ve got a profile for Chris Harrison, but I don’t really care, so we’re gonna skip right to the boiz!

Adam, 27, Real Estate Agent

Generic White Guy #1, possible douche

What is your most embarrassing moment? When I told my mom I was going on The Bachelorette. [ha! okay, i’m into it]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Jennifer Lawrence because she is every girl's goal. [okay, JLaw’s great, but I’m not sure how I feel about you liking her b/c you think women want to be her... that seems less than ideal to me...]

Do you consider yourself athletic? Very! Collegiate letter winner in football. [translation: i was on the team but rarely played]

What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday. [ugh. +50 Gross Points. look, i’m not here to judge your definition of romance -jk i totally am- but i’m pretty sure they’re asking why it was romantic, not why you received it.]

Do you consider yourself a good cook? Yes! I used to cook four-course meals in college and charge people. LOL [LOL!! 😒]

Verdict: unimpressed.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor

French Soccer Team Haircut, A+ eyebrows

What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic [sounds less than ideal, but i guess good on you for knowing your flaws?]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander [WHAT THE FUCK DID SALAMANDERS EVER DO TO YOU?!?!?! those beautiful, good good amphibians, my babies 😭 ]

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can't really think of a third one. Music isn't a big part of my life. [is this guy secretly a robot]

Who is your favorite artist? The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) [fair enough]

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you and why? I like a woman that pursues me. I like an aggressive, go-getter type. [oh, buddy, you are on the wrong show. do you know how the Bachelorette works??]

Verdict: meh. Possibly a monster (who eats salamanders???? this is very distressing to me)

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager

v pointy head; POC count: 1

What are your best attributes? I'm reliable and self-sufficient, emotionally intelligent, and generally very positive. [i’m liking this one]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Taking a job to teach English in Indonesia with minimal preparation. [v brave! world traveler!]

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better. [is this one... woke??]

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of? Probably those flesh-eating plants from Life of Pi. [oh, shit, that’s dark, dude! but also showing off some literary knowledge, nice job]

What is your greatest achievement to date? Getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. [holy shit, Anthony, you are seriously winning right now]

What are your top 3 favorite movies? The Iron Giant, Moonlight, The Matrix [yup, Anthony is #1 so far]

What is your favorite all-time book and why? Tough. The most recent is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami. It's like a dream I don't want to wake up from. [yesyesyes. i hope he’s as good on person as he seems on paper!]

What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom? I'll just say I have virtually no limits once that connection is there. [*wolf whistle*]

What is your ideal mate's personality like? Curious. Able to laugh at silly things, but also hold her own in an intellectual conversation. [oh, anthony, you seem too pure for this worldshow]

Verdict: 😍 Top Contender!!

brief side note: there are way less tattoos than i expected. none so far on these first 3 guys.

Blake E., 31, Aspiring Drummer [not a great start, Blake]

looks Country

Tattoos: I have "LRLL" (drum rudiment) and "D" (for the dog I rescued) on my left arm. [...drummers...]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Get engaged to a crazy girl. [i am not into the trend of calling women you break up with crazy. she’s generally an actually reasonable, sane person so this just makes you seem misogynistic]

What are your 3 worst attributes? Sensitivity, procrastination, and patience. [sensitivity actually sounds like a great thing to have. ditto patience. Blake, you’re like 30 points in the red rn]

What is your favorite flower? Red roses, because I am a classic gentleman. [unoriginal. do you know any other flowers?]

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff. [problematic]

What is your favorite memory from childhood? Horseback riding camp. [+5 points. so now we’re at like -45]

What's the closest you have ever come to being married? I was engaged for 48 hours. [ah, yes, to the “crazy girl”...]

I hate it when my date…tells me about her cats. [do you hate cats or just women who want to talk about things they’re into?]

Who is the person you dislike most in the world and why? Parking ticket people, because they don't have souls. [come on, dude, they’re just trying to do their jobs]

Verdict: Gross. Smells like a Nice Guy, aka misogyny cloaked in “chivalry”

Blake K., 29, US Marine Veteran

cute, looks like a sweetheart; POC count: 2

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, because he's the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack. [i dig it]

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life. [idk whose typo “dessert” is. i’m confused about why you’d want a dessert island made of Chipotle, but i can understand why you’d want a desert island made of Chipotle.]

What is your favorite flower? I'm going to go with roses. I'd like to receive as many as I can in the near future. [yes, lean into the pandering!! haha]

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My beautiful mother! Words can't express how grateful I am to have you in my life. I love you mom! [aww, sweet!!]

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? My father. He passed away a few years back and it would mean so much to speak with him again. [sweetheart status confirmed]

Meatloaf said he would "do anything for love, but he won't do that." What will you not do? Wrestle a crocodile or eat monkey brains. [fair enough]

Verdict: sweetheart!

Brady, 29, Male Model

probably decent, but v good looking so also possibly douchey

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Besides applying for The Bachelorette, probably moving to Milan on my own for two months. [so worldly!]

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Channing Tatum so I could be rich, good looking, have a hot wife and bust out some sweet moves. [Channing Tatum does have sweet moves]

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen. [“tackle snowmen”???]

What's the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats. [ngl i love the sweatpants i got for the fiance they are so soft and i just want to touch him all the time]

Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English. [uh-oh, i’m sensing some douche-ness. look, i don’t believe guys should always pay on dates, but when i’ve paid for dates, i’m happy and excited to do it b/c i feel like i’m doing something nice for my date. and frankly i’m a little leery of people who think non-English speakers are the worst things in any given situation.]

Who is the person you dislike most in the world and why? Mike The Situation from Jersey Shore. He's just a total bro that I wouldn't be able to stand. [i’m sensing some top-notch drama potential!]

If you could live in any other time period, what would it be? The '80s. They had a cool era and style. I couldn't go too primitive. I like my modern luxuries. [“too primitive”??? what does that even mean???]

Verdict: might be alright, but I’m sensing some not great things under that model veneer.

Bryan, 37, Chiropractor

Generic White Guy #2

What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart [sir, that is 7 things, not 3]

If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be and why? Bill Gates, just because he's so selfless and charitable. I would want to feel the gratification of donating billions of dollars to help so many people around the world. It would be the best feeling. [Bill Gates is cool, but you could probably get a similar feeling from donating like $100 to something. js]

What's your favorite flower? Orchid [translation: “i know like 3 flowers and want to seem fancy”]

What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I'm fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc. [”most information”??!!?! dude please watch or read some non-sports news on occasion]

Do you speak any languages other than English? If so, which one(s)? How did you learn them? Spanish. I've spoken Spanish since I was a child. Taught to me by my mom who speaks to me primarily in Spanish. [update: Generic Hispanic Guy]

What's the most embarrassing style you've rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous! [yes, you definitely did]

Do you plan on having kids someday? If yes, how many and why? Yes, 2 -3 kids, preferably two boys, one girl. A boy needs a little brother and they both can protect their sister. [or just teach your daughter to stick up for herself?? and teach your sons that women are fully capable human beings, not otherworldly entities to be put on a pedestal and guarded from other men?? plus one of your sons is going to be the younger and therefore not have the little brother he “needs” so i think your plan needs work]

Verdict: meh. not awful, not impressive.

Bryce, 30, Firefighter

Secret Superhero Identity: **THE JAW**

Would you describe yourself as "the party-starter," "the wingman" or "the laid back one"? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die. [?????]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? High speed pursuit on a motorcycle. Saved someone's life. Outrageous is relative. [you’re not... wrong...]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Matthew McConaughey. I could see myself being him. [*sigh* classic White Guy]

What's the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Handwritten letter. I feel like handwritten letters are one of the purest forms of materialized emotion. [”materialized emotion”!!! 😂 ]

What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom? Caught a girl's hair on fire once while having sex. [excuse me what??? - good thing he’s a firefighter, i guess!]

What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, athletic, soft features, eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun. [how many poems is this guy gonna write for Rachel?]

How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning. [i’m thinking at least 3 poems. also this description sounds like, “briefly refreshing then deadly”]

If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? Professional Instagrammer? How cool would it be to travel the world going on adventures and helping people solely funded through pictures you post of living your dream life! [Bryce do you understand how Instagram works]

Verdict: not the sharpest crayon in the box. also minus a zillion points for being uber transphobic. transwomen are women, not “dudes disguised as chicks” you cretin.

Dean, 26, Startup Recruiter

Babyface

Tattoos: Mom's initials on chest, artwork on back, friend's initials on back, "Righteous" on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm [inner lip tattoo seems not great... they don’t even last that long?? also you gotta tell me what the latin says so i can use my latin knowledge for something!!]

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream [i’m still confused about whether this is a desert or dessert island, but Hot Cheetos is 100% the wrong choice]

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? My mom. It's been over 10 years since she passed. Lunch would be amazing. [aw, sweet]

If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where would you go and why? Hawaii, I've never been. Also, my mother wanted her ashes scattered there. [bruh it’s been over 10 years what have you been doing?!?]

What is your favorite memory from childhood? When I was very young, my family lived in a mobile home. I remember sitting on top with my brothers watching a demolition derby and eating Oreos. [okay, dean, you got me. this is a legit sweet answer]

Describe your idea of the ultimate date. Anywhere that's fun where we can laugh and do new things. Pushing the limits of what both of us are comfortable with. [i’ve got good news for you there!]

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? Whenever a girl tries to bite me I have to stop everything and have a discussion. [guess i know who not to call if the fiance and i break up haha]

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you and why? A woman who demands to be pursued. Nothing good comes easy. [this man DOES know what show he’s on!]

What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment. [this makes no sense?]

Verdict: seems sweet and like he knows what this show is about. he’ll go far.

DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter

Hello, beautiful!; POC Count: 3

Would you describe yourself as "the party-starter," "the wingman" or "the laid back one"? 100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!! [oh man this guy seems like a one-man party!]

Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No pets but when I'm married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, "Denzel, the lion." [this is a terrible idea!! don’t own lions period but especially not when you’ve got kids they will get eaten!!!!]

Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits. [hahaha this guy is great]

Describe your idea of the ultimate date. No cell phones, technology, just two people geeking out about life, love, goals, family, friends, music, movies, food, etc. [i can get behind that]

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Strawberry cheesecake!!!! [exclamation points!!!!!!!]

Do you have any phobias that would prohibit your participation in certain activities? No, I'm perfect. [hahahaha demario you’re killing me!!]

What is the most romantic present you have ever given and why? Surprise tickets to see Beyoncé and Jay Z, because Bey and Jay = everyone's relationship goals. [true statement]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel Washington because from the time I watched Malcolm X he was incredible. And through the years he has told some incredible stories through film and he is an incredible human, husband, father and mentor. [good answer good answer]

Verdict: Huge Nerd disguised as Cool Guy (i like it)

Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst

Cutie, but is he nerd or hipster???; POC Count: 4

What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Now, I'm trying to recover from all the day drinking! It can consist of napping to go back out or just recovering. [i, too, am An Old who can’t recover like i used to]

What's the most outrageous thing you have ever done? A trip to Cancun on Spring Break where we had a "sexual positions" contest [...oof...]

What's your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade [i need to know this story!!]

Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I love being the center of attention when I put myself in it. [always this. granted i only want to put myself in that spot like 5% of the time...]

Describe your idea of the ultimate date. A date where we're both experiencing something new together and step out of our comfort zones [good news for you, sir!]

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn't have to help! [did you miss that this was supposed to be a “fun story”??]

Verdict: hopefully he’s growing out of his frat-boy ways

Eric, 29, Personal Trainer

Brows On Fleek; POC Count: 5; also how is this the first personal trainer?

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Tony Robbins because he hosts amazing seminars and impacts the masses. [oh, sweetie, no!]

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people. [terrible choices]

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Tough question! Blue Chips, Bad Boys and Equalizer [i have heard of only one of these]

What's your favorite book and why? As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Simple format for being human and living life. [had to look this up. it’s from 1903. nothing more recent came to mind?]

If you could go anywhere in the US, where would you go and why? New Orleans during Mardi Gras week because I've never been. [this is weird for a guy that i’m getting an uber-Christian vibe from]

If you could live in any other time period, what would it be? Before money was involved [so, like, pre-agricultural hunter-gatherer days]

Verdict: too pious for my taste

Fred, 27, Executive Assistant

Sweater Man!!!!; POC Count: 6

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people's days are brightened when they are around her. [A+ choice]

What is your greatest achievement to date? My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend. [mother of everything that sounds like hell, good on you for surviving that]

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat [i had to look him up. a real Artist.]

Describe your perfect hometown date. Where would it be and who would be there? My perfect hometown date would be with my sisters and my mom and we would go to Pappadeaux. [sweet and simple. nice.]

How would you describe yourself as a lover? I would describe myself as an unselfish lover. I wouldn't feel satisfied unless I knew my partner was. [nice nice]

What's your biggest date fear? The fear of having my card declined [i, too, have had this fear]

I love it when my date… pays for the meal. [who doesn’t amirite?]

Meatloaf said he would "do anything for love, but he won't do that." What will you not do? There isn't anything I wouldn't do. [fred i know you’re trying to be romantic but boundaries are not necessarily a bad thing]

Verdict: seems nice. i like his sweater.

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician

A Real Bro

What was your college experience like? It was great! I had a work hard, play hard attitude. I was the social chair of my fraternity and involved in on campus organizations while also getting accepted to medical school a year early. [update: A Real Frat Bro]

If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be and why? President of the United States. I like being in charge of making big decisions. [no one over the age of 13 should want to be president b/c obviously it’s kind of a shitty job]

What is your most embarrassing moment? I once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in a cut open 2-liter coke bottle in the back of a tour bus. [you already told us you’re a doctor, no need to show off the vocab]

Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I like being the center of attention while appearing to maintain a humble outlook on it. This allows for others to envy and respect you more. [you sound like a real asshole]

What kind of music do you listen to most often? Anything I can dance to. "Ice Ice Baby" is also one of my favorite songs because I used to sing it at Bar Mitzvahs on stage. [of course you did]

What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? ;) [dear lord save us from this man]

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports? Probably solo sports because then there is no one to blame for a loss but yourself. [translation: “i’m definitely not a team player”]

What's the most embarrassing style you've rocked? As a joke, I once shaved a brain into my hair. Embarrassing, but yet awesome. It was when I took a neuroanatomy class. [doesn’t count if it was related to a class.]

Verdict: the Douchiest of Bros

Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO

Cutie-pie; POC Count: 7

What are your 3 best attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty

What are your 3 worst attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty [this is not a job interview]

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Usain Bolt. It's got to feel crazy to be that athletic. [added bonus: gold shoes]

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Banana float… get it?? [haha this is kind of quality humor i love]

What are your favorite magazines? Harvard Business Review [please try less hard]

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down. [good recovery]

I hate it when my date… is dumb. [maybe try to be more tactful in the future]

Verdict: seems fine. not the worst, not the best

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney

NO.

Who do you admire most in the world and why? Admired my mom. While battling cancer, she always stayed positive and had a zest for life until the very end. [Tragic Backstory Unlocked!]

What's the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Skydived in the Swiss Alps. [is it more outrageous because it was in the swiss alps?]

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There's a metaphor somewhere there. [first of all, no, tulips are not roses without thorns]

Who is your favorite author? John Grisham [this is just because he writes about lawyers isn’t it]

What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom? Plead the fifth [option a: he doesn’t want to say. option b: this is actually a reference to courtroom roleplaying.]

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you, and why? Wants to be pursued. She knows how to play the game. [sweet baby jesus this had better not be a reference to that fucking awful pua shit]

Verdict: jury is out, but polls don’t look good. ACTUALLY NO. THE VERDICT IS NO BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS THE LITERAL WORST.

Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive

Bland White Guy

Tattoos: One on my left shoulder that's currently being removed. [translation: won’t commit]

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Someone less fortunate, so I appreciate my life more. [gross.]

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of? Chocolate and peanut butter [see, this is a desert island, not a dessert island]

What is your most embarrassing moment? Getting caught masturbating. [understandable]

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I am trying to not make plans in life. [terrible idea]

What kind of music do you listen to most often? EDM/Hip-hop [bleh]

What is your favorite all time book and why? The Power of Your Subconscious Mind. It was a gift. [but was it also a good book??]

What does your ideal mate look like? A model [ew]

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends. [huge red flag!!!!]

Verdict: Gross. I hope he goes home night one.

Jedidiah, 35, ER Physician

Country Man

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf. [this statement is probably false. if true, it’s a horrible HORRIBLE idea.]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Stripped once in high school for a friend's big sister's birthday. Fifty dollars was a lot at the time. [haha what a rascal]

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana. [well damn! color me impressed!]

What is your favorite flower? Wildflowers that grow in high altitudes, above tree lines. [thank goodness he didn’t say rose]

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? South Africa is incredible. Raw and beautiful; great coffee, tea, wine, fruit, food, beautiful animals and landscapes, amazing people and very real problems like HIV and violence. [i’m glad you acknowledge the problems, but idk what they have to do with it being a great trip]

What is the craziest place you've had sex? Just off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains. [this sounds too cold to be comfortable]

What are your favorite breakfast foods? LOVE scrambled eggs. [but what about waffles? bacon? biscuits?]

What makes you the happiest, what makes you mad? Happy: New socks, nice hotel rooms, good pens, in-room coffee. Mad: Wasting any time, when kids get hurt. [sweet answer]

Verdict: A Man’s Man

Jonathan, 31, Tickle Monster [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

Skinny Weirdo

Tattoos: Not yet [keeping those options open]

What are your 3 best attributes? Easy to get along with, funny, driven!

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Skydiving! Twice [single exclamation points make me suspicious]

Do you consider yourself neat, messy or in between? Organized, but dirty. When you walk into my house it looks neat and in order, but if you took your shoes off you'd realize there is sand all over the floor from the beach. [messy but clean >>> “organized but dirty”]

What is your favorite flower? Now, it's a single red rose [LOL]

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists and why? Elvis Presley, Britney Spears, Flo Rida [i don’t buy it]

Tell us about when you lost your virginity – or if you haven't yet, why? With my ex-wife. Pretty uneventful. [let’s hope she never reads this]

How would you describe yourself as a lover? I ensure both of us are satisfied. Pretty open to most things. Usually last a long time (in a good way.) [tbh i’m really uncomfortable with specifics in answering these questions]

Verdict: Not Feeling It

Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney

Josiah the Well-Groomed; POC Count: 8

What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Going out to a cigar bar then heading down to South Beach with a group of friends [no cigars are the worst!!]

What are your 3 best attributes? Height, smile, hair – (physical), personality, public speaking [not counting b/c this is 5]

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My father. He spent his entire life taking care of at-risk youth. After his first-born son committed suicide, he remained a strong head of the household. [found the Tragic Backstory, but it’s weird that he says “first-born son” instead of “my brother”]

Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? No, I can't dance at all. [BOOOO]

Where is the craziest place you've had sex? In my office at work! [oh dang!]

What's your worst date memory? Being catfished! A girl arrived on the date pregnant!! [i don’t think that’s really what it means to be catfished]

If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? Head state prosecutor in my community to affect real change. I would help those that have made mistakes. [update: Josiah the Realist]

Verdict: Fine I Guess

Kenny, 35, Professional Wrestler

Michael Strahan; POC Count: 9

Tattoos: A cross on my right arm, caveman on my chest and Japanese Kanji for "fearless" on shoulder. [how sure are you it says “fearless”]

What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Either wrestling in my underwear in front of thousands of people or at home with my daughter. [d’awww]

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? The Rock. We are very much alike. [invite me?]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel Washington. Power screen presence. Complete emotional control. [solid choice]

What is your favorite all-time book and why? The New Jim Crow. It enlightened me to a whole lot. [oooh, i’ve been meaning to read that!]

What is the most romantic present you have ever given? Different Edible Arrangements every day for a birthday week. [food gifts are always a good choice]

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! There was about two weeks when I first started dating my ex that I was Quick Draw McGraw. [haha poor guy!]

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better. [everybody loves a dad]

If you could live in any other time period, what would it be? Ancient Egypt [decisive. i can appreciate that.]

Verdict: Solidly Good Dude

Kyle, 26, Marketing Consultant

Open *ALL* the buttons!; POC Count: 10

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Donald Glover. I respect him on so many levels as a musician, actor, general creative, activist and businessman. Or Ed Snowden. [this is an odd combination of people]

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can. [ugggghhhhh the woooooorrrrrrsssttttt]

Do you enjoy camping? Yes! Camping is awesome. I like hiking, fires, pitching tents, fishing… hate bugs though, so bug nets and spray are essential. [omitted the #1 best part of camping (s’mores): -10 points]

What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom? Ex was into BDSM and introduced me to being a dom. Interesting, but don't like hurting people, so it's weird. Fun with her though. [willing to explore partner’s interests: +20 points]

What does your ideal mate look like? 7+. Looks matter for the ideal candidate. Any culture or skin tone. Big butt. I'm definitely a butt guy. [ranks people’s looks on a scale: -7 points, a bit skeezy]

How would you describe yourself as a lover? Intimate, emotional, fun, supportive. If you mean specifically during sex, "athletic," lol. [“lol��� 😕]

Verdict: Avoiding gluten for no reason is the worst. I’m out.

Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter

Oof, that hair

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family. [he’s a country boy for sure]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Matthew McConaughey! He is insanely talented, accomplished and has very strong family values and dedication. [why do white guys love matthew mcconaughey so much]

What are your top all-time favorite movies? Gone with the Wind, Inglourious Basterds, and Scarface [i do not believe “gone with the wind” is one of this man’s favorite movies]

What do you do for fun in the city you live in and why? Music in Music City. I listen and I've played at just about every venue there! [he’s talking about nashville, right?]

Do you consider yourself romantic and why? Absolutely! I'm a "pleaser" under wraps! I like to do things to make someone emotional and happy. [i’m 100% sure that his “pleaser” status is not under wraps]

Verdict: Probably Fine

Lucas, 30, Whaboom [STAAHHPP]

Awful White Guy

Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Had a dog and cat growing up. Now an ant farm, fish and I'm an uncle to a cat. [“uncle to a cat” oh no]

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo. [I don’t know that we would call Bruce Jenner dead, per se...]

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? 1. Waterproof lighter 2. Spear gun 3. Cast of The View. Couldn't tolerate The Situation from Jersey Shore. [i haven’t thought about jersey shore in years, now 2 guys have said they can’t stand The Situation. weird]

Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Love dancing. Tango, Swing, Ballroom, Russian dance, Freestyle …. and good old bump and grind. [nice nice nice okay cool... huh.]

What is the most embarrassing style you've rocked? Chiquita Banana outfit [there’s a story behind this and the people need to know!]

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. Threesome at a wedding party. [some talented authors might be able to tell a story in 5 words. lucas is not that talented author.]

What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit! [very specific... and very specifically not Rachel.]

Verdict: Hopefully Going Home Very Quickly

Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep

White Bro

If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be and why? Maybe Matt Lauer so I could help people start their day off on the right foot. He seems like a genuine guy and a class act. [“and i wouldn’t even have to change my name!”]

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists and why? Justin Timberlake, Train, John Mayer. All three have gone their own route and still stood the test of time. [confession: i unabashedly love train. also this answer is the most obviously honest one about musical taste so far.]

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports, and why? Team sports. I've always thought they are a good metaphor for life. [good news: this guy will work with others!]

What is the most romantic present you have ever given? Why? Lingerie. I knew I was in love once I found myself shopping at Victoria Secret. [p sure lingerie is a gift for yourself and therefore not actually romantic]

What's the craziest place you had sex? The balcony of a cruise ship. [i really hope it was a private balcony]

What's your worst date memory? I went on one Tinder date a few years back. Right away I realized why I wasn't the online dating type. [details, please!]

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? Telepathy because it would make dating so much easier. [bless your heart, i don’t think you really want to know what every woman around you is thinking]

Verdict: Average Joe Matt

Michael, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player

Token Former Pro Sports Man; POC Count: 11

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Sign a contract to play professional basketball in Bulgaria. [suspicion (not an NBA player) confirmed]

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? President Obama, because I want to hear what obstacles, hardship and challenges he had to face to attain the highest position in America. [omg please bring me along!!]

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive. [denzel is cleaning up on these favorite actor answers]

What is your favorite television show and why? Martin, because even though I've seen each episode more than 100x each, it never gets old. [me: “what is this tv show?” fiance: “are you fuckin’ kidding?? you are SO WHITE!”]

What's your biggest date fear? One of my friends hooking up with my date in the past. [but then she’ll have heard how amazing you are, right?]

Do you follow a specific diet? Paleo. [oh nooooooo]

Verdict: Middle of the Pack

Milton, 31, Hotel Recreation Supervisor

Looks like one of my college drum majors; POC Count: 12

Tattoos: Yes, inside my bottom lip. [why is this a thing at all???]

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Live four months without power. Cold showers are no joke. [this is only “outrageous” if you weren’t living outdoors at the time]

What is your greatest achievement to date? Dominating my basketball league after college. I was Kobe back then. [i’m skeptical]

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Spiders [me, too, dude. me. too.]

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting. [at least he’s honest??]

Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Salsa. I love spinning the girls. [nice]

How would you describe yourself as a lover? Good. I like to take care of my lady first. [so says every contestant]

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Kinda. I don't mind being romantic, but it can show you're weak. [showing emotion does not mean you’re weak!!!]

Verdict: Not Here for the Right Reasons (Minor Points for Honesty)

Mohit, 26, Product Manager

First Ever Indian Dude!!; POC Count: 13

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be? Elon Musk. I'm a fan of his fearlessness. [elon musk gets 2 lunch dates with bachelorette contestants!]

Gluten? I'm going to dress up as that for Halloween. [haha mohit you’re the greatest]

What is your favorite memory from your childhood? Meeting the Power Rangers. [luckiest kid in the world!]

What kind of music do you listen to most often? Rap and country. Yes, you read that correctly. [those usually do not go together]

What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco. [that sounds horrifying]

Verdict: Seems like a Funny Dude

Peter, 31, Business Owner

TV Normal

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? I moved to Athens, Greece for modeling for three months. It was everything! I saw the world, made friends, was forced to grow up and be self-sufficient. Learned a lot! [sounds p cool]

What's the closest you have ever come to being married? My ex of two years. I was looking at rings after just three months. [slow that roll, peter!]

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I woke up naked on the cold floor of a pitch-black room. Thought I had been abducted. Then there was a knock and a woman's voice at the door. "Are you ok?" she asked. I asked her to open the door. Turns out it was a girl I had known for a while in the bar scene. I was on the floor of her bathroom where I passed out after going home with her. I was 19 or 20. [there’s a real strange definition of “fun” going on with these guys]

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot. [peter seems like one of those people who legit go insane if they don’t exercise. my friend sarah is that way. she was practically climbing the walls when she broke her foot and couldn’t do mma.]

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? A professional football player. It is my favorite sport with an awesome paycheck. They're superstars for playing a sport, a game. It just seems so easy. [it seems easy b/c they’re really good at their jobs]

Verdict: Might be alright

Rob, 30, Law Student

Cross between James Marsden & James Franco, weirding me out

What was your college experience like? Good! Lots of travel and exchanges. I did half of my university overseas (China, Taiwan, Peru, Spain.) [lucky duck!]

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity. [that’s hardcore lunch talk]

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He's got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me! [this explains calling it “university”]

What's the most embarrassing style you've rocker? Blonde highlights and diamond studs. Back in my boy band phase, '90s/early 2000s. [i think you get a pass since you were like 12]

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who purses you, and why? I prefer a woman who pursues me. It shows that she has the focus and the courage to go for something that she wants despite the cultural expectation that the man do the pursuing. [you know you’re on the bachelorette, right?]

Verdict: Seems Cool but is on the Wrong Show

Will, 28, Sales Manager [thank jeebus finally on the last one!]

Best Smile; POC Count: 14

What are your top 3 all-time favorite movies? Shawshank Redemption, Star Wars, Jurassic Park. [A+ picks]

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Dubai. I love experiencing new cultures. [fancy!]

What's your worst date memory? Every Tinder date ever. [i know online dating can be the worst but surely you had 1 date that went okay??]

If you're interested in someone, do you tend to become shy or outgoing? I can be slightly more reserved at first. [bad news bears]

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? How would you use it? Teleportation. I love to travel, but hate the waiting. [BEST ANSWER]

Meatloaf said he would "do anything for love, but he won't do that." What will you not do? Be someone's second choice. [fair enough]

Verdict: Cool, but shy people tend to leave early

Phew!! That was intense. 31 GUYS. Too many. But 14 are POC, which is the most ever, so good job ABC on actually getting some real casting diversity happening.

My faves: Anthony, Blake K, Dean, Kenny, Jedidiah, DeMario

I’d try to pick my top 3, but frankly it’s taken me 3 days to get through all these bios so I am way too mentally exhausted to bother with that. I’ve already forgotten who some of these dudes are. But I’m psyched for the drama to start!! And ready for Rachel to be ✨amazing✨ as always!