#and i wish that mindset wasn't so pushed a lot of the time

[multi-lefaiye]

not sure who might need to hear this or if it's just me that needs to, but i've had this thought for a bit and i wanna write it out

you are not a machine that exists to make art. you are a human being, and human beings need rest and breaks.

creative block happens. it's natural, and embracing it as part of the process is far better in the long run than stressing out over it.

we live in a world that emphasizes productivity above all else and needing to Make Something, but truly it is not the end of the world if you're not productive 24/7.

[neverchecking]

Maybe some yandere legend headcannons with a reader that dotes on him as they are aware of the things he does for them but loves him back close to a yandere degree and shows public ways of claiming him to other people like sitting in his lap or kissing him so much to the point he turns the same color as his hair.

Legend is like that fugly little rat in the corner that I tried hating but now he's just my baby boy.

Fugly ass rat (affectionately).

This was written under the idea that Reader, when paired with Legend like this, takes no shit. Eats name and takes ass. Stays in drugs, doesn't do school. You know, the Cool kid.

The Cheaper Things in Life

・❥・So, Legend isn't used to open affection. And I know the obvious route is that he's against it, he hates PDA, yadda yadda yadda, BUT-

(It's my comfort character and I'll mis-characterize him if I want to-)

・❥・Hear me out. It's the exact opposite. With the Yandere mindset, Legend is constantly reminded that things can be torn away, just like that`, constantly. Marin was a grim reminder of this fact. Honestly, Legend swore of love entirely because of the trauma the loss of her left him with.

・❥・But then you, in all your divine glory, come bulldozing into his life, probably flipping off his trauma along the way, and throwing him on his ass along the way.

・❥・He didn't even know how to react when you went right up into his face, barking at him to back off from the taunts when he pushed a little too far one too many times.

・❥・He had been stuck falling for you ever since.

・❥・It took a lot of pride time for him to apologize to you, but he did so, gently asking if you could give him a do-over. And to his surprise, you eagerly agreed, holding out his hand with a wide smile. Reintroducing yourself as if every syllable wasn't already branded onto his tongue.

・❥・He played along however with a small tilt to his lips and a cheeky bow-- even going as far as to take off his hat and holding it in the hand that folded against his torso.

・❥・From then on, your interactions become much more amicable. He'd even go as far as to say (Heart-racing, soul cleansing, spirit leaving-) friendly.

・❥・You seem to be a relatively affection 'friend' however. He can't number the amount of times you've bounced up to him, pressed a sin stained peck to his cheek before bounding off with a laugh on your lips and his hat on your head, leaving him sputtering for a second.

・❥・Or how many times you've come to lean on the back of his chair, arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders as one of the others goes on about a battle plan.

・❥・Or how many nights you've spent cradled in his close embrace, muffling your sobs into his shoulder as you mourn your life previously lived and have broken his heart with your cries about you miss it.

・❥・He would do it all over again, in a heartbeat though. He would fight Hylia herself should you wish, just to minimize your anguish.

・❥・That all being said, he can't even find himself to think of you two as friends anymore. What sort of friends do that? None that he knows of (Never mind that he never lets anyone close enough to do that sort of thing).

・❥・So you must not be friends! You must be too shy to call him otherwise! Which just wouldn't do. How could he let everyone else know you were his and his alone and he would die to keep you by his side or pit his blade against anyone who dares to try and take your place were taken?

・❥・He's the one to ask you out, sitting on a high enough branch that the others couldn't hear you, but you could still watch over them.

・❥・He took a mental picture of your red-cheeks and flustered expression as you stumbled over your words before ultimately nodding slowly.

・❥・After that, it was as if you had been dating for years rather than hours, days, weeks, etc. He just made it so easy.

・❥・You spoke of him with such awe and grace, like you believed the hero title bestowed upon him. You spoke of the little things he did like they were worth tenfold what the monumental ones were.

・❥・And it was so perfect. You didn't care for all the heroics or the adventures, you cared for him. You didn't care if he could take out armies of bokoblins, no, you cared much more when he took the time to fix a hole in your pants. You didn't care if he had solved more puzzles than he cared to remember, but you did care when he took the time to set your bed mat out near the fire before you got ready for bed to ensure it was warm enough for you before nightfall. You didn't care for all the trinkets and rings and items he had that did incredible things. But you did care when he let you lay against his chest, watching him work through more sewing work, with some tune hummed under his breath.

・❥・Golden three above, he couldn't get enough of you.

・❥・At first, he assumed that you were taking your time to warm up to him, and he was giving you your space to do so lest he chase you right out of his arms and into someone else's He wouldn't let that happen, he wouldn't, not again, not again, notagainnotagainnotagainnotagain- . He was fine with that.

・❥・But when he's talking to some unnamed daughter of a merchant, who's much to talkative and trying way to hard to show off her chest to him-- something he took no interest in, not when he had truly ethereal you-- he figures that no, you are in fact holding yourself back.

・❥・You had gone off to some stall, looking at an assortment of fabrics with Legend following obediently after you, aweing over the different textures and colors as he stood on watch. That was when this...wench appeared, twirling a long lock of red hair around one of her fingers. He merely scoffed at her, turning his attention back to you. You were carefully examining two different red fabrics, pinching them closer together to view them side by side. You had an absolutely adorable little pout on your face that he just ached to kiss. He went to do just that before this HARLOT was getting in his way.

・❥・Could she not get the hint?

・❥・Scathing insults laid on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be fired before your hands, soft and understanding, full of nothing but pure love in touch alone, landed on his bicep. Your gaze was sharp and dangerous, honeyed lips leaking venom as you feigned innocence, asking what she was doing.

・❥・He knew he was completely ruined for anyone else when your smile turned razor edged, now a full blown smirk, and your tone remained saccharine sweet.

・❥・He was down so bad.

・❥・You, without breaking so much as a sweat, much less this character you had donned, tore this witch to absolute shreds, watching with some sort of amused glint in your eye as tears welled in her eyes before she was storming off in an embarrassed huff before you were dragging him in the opposite directions, completely oblivious to his lovesick gaze.

・❥・"Their fabrics were cheap anyway."

・❥・Great Din's tits, he was going to marry you someday.

[lunar-rcp]

When you saved me (And now, I'll save you)

☆ tags ; . . Hurt/Comfort, fluff!

!! note : this is practically an epilogue to “The justice that lies within my heart”, please read that first to understand this oneshot! This is basically Roy taking care of Poli after the gunshot, and the entire shock of the gunshot settled in (so much poli angst..)

. . .

There he was, nestled deeply in the comfort of his own bed. Poli had been off duty for a while now, more than he can count. How long has it even been? Time felt endless for the police car, but at the same time; It also felt too fast for his liking.

The others had tended to him during those times. Something he really appreciated. However, there was a singular person who had visited him the most.

A peculiar kind fire engine, with a soft spoken voice that could soothe others to ease. Roy.

Out of all the people who had visited him; Roy visited him the most. Roy always managed to crack a joke, tell Poli about the stories he had while he was on patrol, and occasionally even bring him food.

He cared so much.

So why couldn't he even manage to have a small grin throughout this week?

Poli was in a daze. He didn't understand.

Poli drew a long sigh, pulling the covers closer to his face. This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions for everyone and yet he hasn't even felt an ounce of emotion. Poli felt like he was ungrateful.

“Pfft,” Poli snorted. “Imagine not even expressing your emotions properly, god– get a hold of yourself, Poli.” He silently ranted to himself as he gripped the sheets tighter.

“Uh, Poli?” A distant voice came from outside the door. A voice all too familiar.

Roy.

“Mm,” Poli hummed. “Come in.” Poli replied in a monochrome tone.

Roy couldn't help but feel a little saddened by how lifeless Poli had looked throughout the week. He wished that he could just see a smile, any emotion would suffice, really.

The fire engine was worried sick.

With a deep exhale, Roy hesitantly pushed open the door with his free arm. On his other hand he was carrying a tray with a porcelain bowl filled with rice. A smaller dish was also next to the bigger one. As to not leave the rice tasteless, Roy had also prepared a few layers of kimchi on the smaller plate. Roy easily had claimed the title of being the best cook out of the entire team, something he admittedly held pride to.

“I, uh–” Roy stammered awkwardly, reading off the script he had mentally prepared before going in. “Brought you some food. Do you need any help with eating? Because, Y'know–”

Roy sighed. “Your arm.”

“Hm.” Poli gave it some thought. He wasn't really hungry the past weeks; not even in the slightest. He had only eaten revoltingly so as to not worry his peers further. “I'm not really that hungry, but you can place it on the nightstand.” Poli gave a small weak smile. “I'll be.. fine.” Would he, really?

“Ah, okay.” Roy averted his eyes towards the side. He knew Poli a little too well to know that smile wasn't genuine. Though, he thought it was best to not push it too far. Slow, little steps were the key to dire situations in Roy's mindset.

Roy gently placed the tray of food onto the nightstand. “Do.. you mind if I sit here?” Roy shuffled his foot.

Poli gazed wearily out of the window, not facing the fire engine. “Like I've said, go ahead. You don't need to ask, it's alright.” Poli answered Roy's question in a dull tone. Poli had also noticed that his tone of voice changed a lot compared to his usual cheerful demeanor.

“Alright, thank you.” Roy slid a wooden stool next to Poli's bed and sat down on it with his hands on his knees.

A minute of silence passed by. It was.. rather hard for Roy to speak out for whatever reason. Usually, he'd have no problem chatting with Poli. But this time it was different.

And he wasn't liking it.

“Uhm, so–” Roy broke the silence. “How's the shoulder? Is it, uh–.. Feeling better?” If Roy was in a competition of the worst small talker, he'd win with flying colors.

“I suppose.. It's fine.” Poli turned his head towards his shoulder, softly brushing over it with his hand. “It's not unbearable anymore, at least.” Poli faked out a chuckle. Anything to brighten up the impending tension.

God, he felt so selfish. He became this sullen, weary person.

He couldn't even muster up the emotion towards the fact he had just been shot just a few weeks ago.

Was this.. his mindset blocking out his feelings?

He didn't know. But.. he wasn't liking this. He noticed over the past weeks, everyone has lost their personality.

This was all his fault. Looking at Roy's saddened expression felt like his heart shattering into millions of pieces.

Roy doesn't need to tirelessly deal with him. He'll have to deal with himself, even if it means he'd add up to Roy's worry.

“Just go, please.” Poli quickly spoke out. Roy's eyes slightly widened at Poli's sudden words, taking a moment's time to even comprehend his request.

“A–Are you sure?” Roy sheepishly asked, fidgeting with his hands covertly. Poli only nodded his head before turning away. He felt too cruel to even look him in the eyes.

(Poli, you monster.) Were words repeated in Poli's head like a carousel at the amusement park.

“Ah.. alright, then.” A sad glint shone in Roy's eyes, but there was nothing he could do. Roy softly breathed out as he pushed the wooden stool back into its proper place.

“See you, Poli.” Roy said his goodbyes, leisurely stepping towards the door.

Poli wanted to return with a simple goodbye, but something held him back.

He felt spewing emotions preparing to erupt out of him.

“By–By..” Poli's voice trembled at the same pace his hands were. Tears pricked at his eyes, it stung.

Instead of a goodbye, it was a plea.

“P–Please,” Poli stuttered. “Don't go!” Poli loudly exclaimed, stopping Roy in his tracks. It was so different from the tired voice he spoke with.

“Huh, Poli? Is there somethi–” Roy turned to face Poli, but that was the arrow to break Poli's ice-cold mask.

Poli cried. He was crying.

“I–I'm, ohmygosh–” Poli could barely muster a coherent sentence over the tears that overflowed from his eyes. “I didn't mean to– I–” He desperately tried to speak out, but to no avail.

“Poli!” Roy made quick steps to his now sobbing best friend. He carefully took Poli's hands into his. The fire engine tenderly rubbed the back of Poli's hands with his thumbs.

“It will be okay, just breathe with me.” Roy exhaled softly, in which Poli had done the same. It didn't take too long for their breaths to be in sync. Although Poli's breaths were shaken, the breathing exercise did help.

“You're doing great.” Roy's face softened. “You've calmed down a little. Now, could you tell me what's wrong, Poli?” His gaze was set on his hands. He didn't want to freak out the police car if he had stared directly back in his eyes.

“It's– J–Just,” Poli sniffed. “I feel so terrible. I--I've been terrible to all of you– And I'm just so sorry.” Poli escaped one of his hands out of Roy's grasp, he frantically tried to wipe away his tears. But, that was when Roy stopped him when he gently wrapped a hand around his wrist.

“You aren't terrible. Please, don't say that.” Roy let go of his hand to wipe away a tear with his thumb. “Remember? You're the heart of the team, Poli. You have saved us countless times.”

“So, please,” Roy placed a hand onto his own collarbone with a determined look that had sparked. “Let me save you, just this once.”

“Roy..” Poli muttered quietly. “How did I even deserve you?” Another tear formed in his eye.

But, this was a different one.

A happy one.

The road may be bumpy, but there were always others for him to help him along the way.

And Poli truly appreciated that.

[sophaeros]

julian casablancas for mojo magazine, november 2024 / issue 372 (x x)

Rock'n'roll Confidential: Julian Casablancas

The Strokes/Voidz mainman talks entitlement, respect and Arctic Monkeys

3AM (Pacific Coast Time) is an atypical hour to schedule an interview. But here's Julian Casablancas, zooming from Los Angeles, where the singer, for so long synonymous with the grit and glamour of New York City, has lived since 2020. He's a busy man: as well as fronting long-running garage rock classicists The Strokes - whose sixth album The New Abnormal won a Grammy in 2020 - he's found a refuge of sorts in his experimental, '80s synths-enabled group The Voidz, whose new LP Like All Before You is imminent. Talking to MOJO, Casablancas remains in shadow, his eyes occasionally reflecting dim light. "I can be a vampire," he promises. "You want a real rock star, bro? But I can be flexible and go into family mode too…"

What are you doing up at 3am, talking to MOJO? It's about the only time I have free. The rest of the time, it's videos and working with managers, going to concerts, social things… so l go all the way around, to crazy night hours.

The new album starts with Overture and ends with Walk Off - is there a concept lurking within? I guess a little. Maybe subconsciously. It hopefully hits if you have taken mushrooms. I had just watched Gone With The Wind, and they used to have overtures at the beginning of movies, and then we end the album with a synthesizer version. But it is not a rock opera story. If anything, the concept was going to be a one-word album title. At first, it was Zeal, then Perseverance.

How do you switch mindsets between Voidz and Strokes songwriting? Voidz songs are where my mind has been pushing me, and where I want to go, and where I am. But the ability or capability or muscle memory of writing Strokes-sequel stuff is just always going to be there. When those songs appear, it makes more sense to put them in each category, but it's not always that clear. But there's more 'no-limits' with The Voidz.

You recently said, "My current solution is to tour with The Strokes and then use the money to record with The Voidz." How did that happen? Years of drama and betrayals and horseshit (laughs). Honestly, l am cool with most of the dudes, and now we're more mature. It's not what I set out to do, but it's a fun, cool day job that I feel blessed to have. But let's just say I was only in a band called Zog, and whatever I worked on 10 years ago in Zog, I would not be interested in any more, I'm only interested in what I'm working on now. It's just the nature of music and creativity, you know?

What did you set out to do with The Strokes? I just wanted to challenge boundaries, and to have an ambitious collective of respectful teammates. Is that The Voidz? For me, yes.

The cliché about Strokes issues is that you were rich kids who weren't hungry enough. Any truth in that? Success affects people in different ways. I'd say there are some elements, probably from me as well, where you can be entitled… all kinds of bands have fallings outs and drama. It wasn't like, Oh, we don't need the money. I think it did take a lot of hunger to get there, but then after you've achieved something, when everyone is kissing each individual member's ass… OK, let's get back to work and do it again. It was like, Uh, no thanks. That's my assessment.

The Arctic Monkeys song Star Treatment starts out, "I just wanted to be one of The Strokes." What was your reaction? I thought, Be careful what you wish for. It was funny, and flattering. I have a lot of respect for Alex and those boys.

Tell us something you've never told an interviewer before. I've been trying to communicate with crows lately. I heard they have an intricate sonic language, but I haven't had any luck. It occurred to me that food would help, so I was trying to feed one M&M's earlier, but he wasn't having it. People can catch me making weird noises, trying to mimic the crow. I think the crows are more startled than the humans.

As told to Martin Aston

JULIAN, DOPE Five of Casablancas's crackers.

Brian Eno Burning Airlines Give You So Much More (ISLAND, 1974)

Benny Goodman Good-Bye (VICTOR, 1936)

Kate Bush Why Should I Love You? (EMI, 1993)

Max Richter Path 5 (Delta) (DEUTSCHE GRAMMOPHON, 2015)

BEAK> Secrets (INVADA, 2024)

[wolfyaka]

Has anybody else been overanalyzing All Might's hallucinations? Because I have and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this:

All Might has literally said twice that they are hallucinations and that those are things he's telling himself, so either for some weird reason he just can't and won't accept these are actually Nana and Nighteye talking to him (which would be weird but it would explain how Nighteye knew that was the actual vision) or they are indeed representing his own mind, which is clearly divided. I'm not saying he's two different people, of course, All Might and Toshinori are one and the same, but he does have a complex and contrasting personality and he can oscillate, just like he shows different aspects of himself as All Might and Toshinori.

Either way, if that's the case, I believe Nana represents his heroic, self-sacrificing to a fault self, always pushing him to keep going no matter what, which we saw in the two fights with AFO actually, and which makes sense because that's what she represented as well; and then, there's Nighteye, which represents his humanity, his fragility and in the end, his inherent value as a human being, his right to live; which is beautiful considering Nighteye is probably the first person that actually cared for his life and worried enough to have an argument with him, mind you, I don't agree with the way he handled it, but his heart was in the right place and he did what he thought was the best.

Which leads me to All Might's mindset when acting. I believe in this whole arc after he retired, he struggled with those two sides:

At times understanding his life was worth protecting and wanting to do so. Pushing himself to believe he could change his destiny and thinking of ways to do so, that is, when he promised to live to Izuku's mom, when he told AFO he'd keep living, when he made the promise to bend his destiny with Izuku, when he talked to Aizawa and said he had decided to live, when he decided to ask Melisa for help, when he used his student's quirks as support, when he started streaming his battle and just being aware of people asking him to live.

But at times, there was also the feeling that his life made no sense without helping as a field hero, mourning how weak his human body was, falling into depression, still craving to hold on to his dream, to his heroic core, and in that, doubting that he'd be able to bend his own destiny because in the end, he'd go as far as it was needed, and that, ultimately, it was fine because that was the heroic thing to do.

I believe he went into the fight with AFO with both mindsets at the same time and that's why in his hallucination he jokes about the mentor being meant to die, just for himself to answer back that no, that's just for comics, heroes are human too.

Also, as a side note, I love that the way Izuku's and All Might's destinies changed, wasn't because they stopped being crazy heroic (which yeah probably don't do that in real life, but hey, they did risk their lives for a very huge, good reason), it was because they allowed other people in, to be inspired, to care, and to help and save them, be it with their wishes and will or directly like Eri in Izuku's case and Bakugo in All Might's case. It seems so beautifully poetic, just like someone else said with the wordplay of the Three Musketeers, they gave "One for all", and everyone gave them "All for one" back, which is what society needed to begin with; the fault wasn't in All Might carrying everything on his shoulders per se, it was that he felt the need to do so because a lot of people didn't care enough to move one finger, like we saw with Shigaraki.

By the way... this expression is everything I ever wanted T^T

[akiyamastar]

Do you ever think about how Chiaki just never gets genuinely mad about anything? He's practically devoid of anger.

Even for the things that he'd be totally justified for if he snapped at someone, he never does it. It's not a new mindset, considering he sucked up all the horrible things that happened to him in Meteor Impact. Generally, he's always been reaching for the ideal of a hero so much that he just... pushes away his own emotions deliberately, seeking to elevate someone else's.

It's something I wish was explored more: how he's bottled up his emotions so much to the point that he doesn't even express anger in a healthy manner. He thinks he needs to fulfill that hero role at all costs, and in order to do that, he suppresses any sort of ugly emotions, replacing them with this sense of energetic happiness that he tries to display to his juniors.

In a way, he's put on a hero facade that even he can't separate himself from. One that could be prone to shattering if he pushes himself too hard. He does loosen up around Kanata and the other graduates a little, acting a bit more like the "boring adult" version of himself, as he calls himself in Comet Show. Even then, not once does Chiaki ever completely put down that act, because he needs to be that hero, or else what will his worth be?

Interestingly, even though he's always been too self-sacrificial for his own good, his facade actually seems to have gotten worse over time, compared to the days of Meteor Impact. This also was probably due to the fact that he had nothing to lose when he was a second-year. He had no friends, no groupmates, and no responsibilities he needed to fill in for others. His mindset and personality were the same in many ways, but the reason why Chiaki seems so meek in Meteor Impact is that there's no one he can be a hero for.

But now, he has Ryuseitai. He now has something he can lose.

Because of wanting Ryuseitai to last at all costs, he's tunnel-visioned so much on seeming like a "cool" reliable senior in front of his juniors and not showing any weaknesses because, inherently, there's a part of him that's scared it's all going to be gone if he doesn't do that.

Whenever Chiaki feels responsible for others, he takes it too harshly on himself. He doesn't confide in his juniors in the same way that he pushes them to lean on his shoulders, and this is a problem. Confiding in someone should be a two-way street, and not something one person can handle alone.

It might even explain some of Tetora's mixed feelings about his leader role being taken away; the problem wasn't necessarily just that it happened, but the manner in which it was done. Chiaki stated that it would be for the better, and of course, you can't completely pin the blame on the guy for looking out for his junior. However, while it's definitely unintentional, his martyr complex and need to be the hero has led to the juniors feeling as though they are throwing a "tantrum" and being looked down upon for their skills, despite being not that much younger than Chiaki and Kanata. Tetora especially feels indignant as a result of these feelings, and he's the most vocal about this even in Submarine.

Thinking back to the recent Ryuseitai event, Universe, I can't say I expected a lot from its writing, and it'd be a bit funny to hold Ensemble Stars' writing to a high standard to criticize things. Nonetheless, there were a lot of missed opportunities that I can't help but think about, and that includes Chiaki's dynamic with Tetora, something that has been vastly unexplored despite the two of them being the leaders of Ryuseitai-N and M at one point.

The part that I particularly enjoyed the most from Comet Show was Chiaki and Midori's conversation because Chiaki starts showing cracks of his serious self. It was something that I thought would be elaborated on more in Universe, except instead of doing so with Midori, it'd be Tetora this time. But, while they did talk to each other, even about how Chiaki wasn't always the strong, cool upperclassman he presented himself to be in front of Tetora, their conversation felt... not nearly as impactful as I hoped it'd be. And I do not know how to personally feel about it turning into an "everyone is the leader" situation. But those are my two cents on it.

TLDR though: Chiaki should be allowed to be a little angry. As a treat. Please.

[egg-emperor]

I don't want to vent much here anymore aside from health update stuff but this ends on a positive note and might help some people so I'm dropping it on main

I've been noticing that a lot of people are very anti recovery in multiple ways and that anon seals it. like the people who have a problem with you and call you out for every little thing they can to have a reason to hate you never actually want you to improve and change for the better

they never want you to recover. they never want you to become a better person. they never want you to heal from harassment and pain they put you through. they don't even give you the chance to change and get better if they really do think you did something wrong

and they're like that when it comes to health as well as behavior, wishing people they hate won't recover from their health issues and deserve it just because they don't like them. as if good health and life is only deserved by those they like personally

their idea of "holding you accountable" for things they think is wrong is by turning everyone against you to try to leave you alone in shame and self loathing, or try to push you to suicide. they don't tell you what you did wrong or suggest how to improve other than backhanded condescending "you're horrible I hate you get therapy and touch grass" comments

because they don't want you to improve. all they want is a reason to hate you and get rid of you one way or other, so you're alone feeling terrible mentally and/or physically because it satisfies them and they get to keep hating and disguise it as morally correct and have everyone else hate you too

those people are not worth your time and stress. they don't want what's best for you. being hurt alone and isolated after people turn against you and try to hurt you, and fearing that continuing to post and trying to get to know more people will end up getting you hurt again, or that nobody will like you is no way to live. get out there do it anyway

and don't ever let them think you don't deserve to heal physically either. they pushed me to hurt myself and spiral into many self destructive behaviors where I was sabotaging myself and I kept letting my physical health get worse while feeling like I didn't deserve the help. I came to regret it and realized I deserved better. and so do you! call your doctor

I say this wholeheartedly instead of the condescending backhanded ways those people said to me while actually just contributing to the problem knowingly. you're not manipulative or selfish for acknowledging that you're hurting and expressing your pain and you deserve to get the help you need. I wish someone had said this to me instead of accusing me of just that

realizing this and thinking this way has helped me a lot. it wasn't thanks to them that I realized my mental health was getting worse and resulting in bad behavior when I was unstable last year and that I needed to make some changes, I noticed that on my own. all they did is push me to the breaking point. and I'm convinced that the stress contributed to my chronic pain worsening and my faints increasing lately too.

they act like they're trying to help when they tell you to get therapy and touch grass but then treat you like a criminal and tell people not to interact with you like you're dangerous. or they don't even try to disguise it as help like that anon and are honest about their intentions

but it was me who realized that I needed help and decided to pick myself up and fight to get better. their cruelty and pushing and pushing me until my mental and physical health got worse did the opposite of that and made me feel like I didn't even deserve the help for a while

but I decided on my own that it was time to make a change and I've improved mentally over time with a new more positive mindset that I'm trying to stick to. but then my physical health got worse and I finally starting seeing a doctor to try to find out what's going on

I will get better. they don't want me to believe I can but I've been getting better mentally as challenging as it can be at times and I hope that has been showing in my behavior. I have anger issues and I get stressed easily but I've been working on controlling that and have been feeling calmer and more at peace

my biggest issue right now is my physical health but I feel that my mental troubles causing anger and stress have contributed to the chronic pain increase and faints from being overwhelmed by it all. so it emphasizes to me that I need to be kinder to myself and not let anger and stress consume me

and now it turns out my hate anons are anti recovery in the physical health sense too. but I'm not going to let that stop me, I deserve to get better no matter how much I'm hated and told to die. those cruel words mean nothing to me anymore with my new more positive mindset. I know their intentions and I know I deserve to get better

now the more people try to make me feel bad about myself and work to isolate me so I feel trapped in it, and the more they tell me I shouldn't recover health wise and should die, the more I want to fight to keep thriving and proving that I'm stronger than that and that they can't bring me down!

I hope I can inspire others do the same because it's really a terrible place to be when people make you believe your existence is the problem and your behavior and mental health can't improve, or that you don't deserve good health and that the only solution is to be isolated or to die, it's not true. you can and you do.

[malepresentingleg]

A little late after the episode but I do have some (over 1k worth) thoughts on BMF and how they handled the whole sex thing that I need to let out before I even go into the tag.

I'll say this show has been very pleasantly surprising the last few episodes, and I was quite impressed with how they handled and addressed very real queer experiences - if it's Pisaeng's beautiful journey with the gay bar, his mom's "acceptance", and the beautiful beautiful rally with the wonderful speakers discussing queer struggles and more.

That's why I had a tiny bit of hope for an asexual Kawi following his comments about sex (can two people who date never have sex? YEAH!), but I wasn't holding on to it very much because I'm a realistic not delusional leg :') So as much as I LOVE this idea and think it could have been very interesting and important and a great opportunity to explore asexuality and relationships - I will write here under the assumption that Kawi is allo and is meant to be sexually attracted to Pisaeng.

One of my least favorite tropes in bl is "the blushing maiden"- where one character really pushes the other into intimacy and the other is avoiding it. If two characters are in a relationship- let them both be interested in each other!!! (uwma and between us are two of my least favorite bls from those I watched bc of that. Bad Buddy is probably my favorite because they show the mutuality of the relationship very well). Some examples for it being done well are MSP - they're BOTH shy and both do want it, they're just kids. When Tinn asks for kisses Gun is flustered and Tinn does it in a teasing way, and very much respects Gun's wishes. Not to mention, he ends up being even more shy.

I think the most similar to what BMF seems to be trying to show would be The Eclipse. Akk is extremely repressed. He's full of self-loathing and internalized homophobia and every time Aye pushes it's to help him be able to do what he wants without needing to admit it. Credit is definitely due to First's superb acting skills because he's effortlessly able to show the audience how much he's torn inside, how much he's very much into Aye, how he WANTS to touch him and be intimate with him, but he's scared and has a lot holding him back. Of course it's not perfect but it didn't give me the ick as much as uwma did, and not as much as BMF did too.

Which brings me to Kawi and Pisaeng.

Pisaeng made this beautiful journey for self-acceptance and embracing his queerness. We as the audience also know how easily things could have turned different and he would marry Pear without even coming out! So we know how much of a struggle it was, and it's reasonable to think- still is, for him to accept his attraction to men. I think that is part of what makes this dynamic between them so jarring - I want to celebrate Pisaeng's confidence, he's being sweet and romantic and giving his bf positive attention in an unapologetic queer way - but then the way Kawi reacts to it makes me also wants to hate it, to feel like Pisaeng is pressuring him and being predatory, demanding without consent.

But it's not what happens. Because of everything I mentioned about Pisaeng, and because he's charming and cute and has been through all that, I find myself "rooting for him" (why are there sides to be rooting for???) and thinking man Kawi is annoying! Didn't he say he's into Pisaeng?? Why can't he show it too, make him feel loved and wanted like he deserves? But that's a mindset I don't want to fall into.

But what I'm missing to feel more sympathetic towards Kawi is what I found in MSP and in The Eclipse - show me he does want it but he's scared, he's not ready, he's shy, anything! But now what I'm getting from him is that he doesn't actually like Pisaeng at all, and all that changed was their official status.

I was very excited for the chat he had with Max (a little bit because he really did sound like an asexual there and I had hope), because up until now he had very good advice and gave great queer insight.

I loved how he talked about his experiences, and said that yes, sex is an essential part of his relationships but - I was so sure he was gonna say it's different for everyone, that Kawi shouldn't do anything he's not ready for and that he should talk to Pisaeng about it.

Instead, when Kawi said he doesn't find sex to be that important in a relationship (ace Kawi! ace Kawi!!), Max kinda shamed him with "well you're a virgin so you don't know", and basically told him "you're gonna do it eventually so might as well now, you're lucky it's with someone you love". Which is kind of a horrible advice IMO. Another approach they could take is tackle why it is that Kawi is so reluctant, discuss his internalized homophobia that still makes him perceive gay sex as wrong and how he can get over it and embrace this part of himself. But the reasoning for him to do it being "just do it" ugh. No thanks.

Another direction I thought it might take and I would have been happy with is Pisaeng maybe apologizing for pushing and expressing hid sadness that Kawi doesn't want him or isn't into him or something like that, and Kawi would then explain and express how much he DOES want him but he's just not ready. ANYTHING. to make me believe Kawi is into Pisaeng and not just forcing himself because he's told he needs to.

The amusement park analogy was a bit on the nose - if you don't try the rollercoaster it's like you haven't really been here = if we don't have sex our relationship doesn't count. Which, ouch. But yeah "it's ok if you're scared, I'll be with you and hold your hand the whole time".

I was a bit surprised they ended up not going, and then again at the car with the roof, but after further thought I realized it was - Kawi saw Pisaeng respects his wishes and doesn't actually cross his boundaries and so he trusts him enough by the end of the episode. Still, the fact they had sex felt... wrong. After Kawi spent the whole episode being scandalized by anything touch related, his conversation with Max, him being scared shitless to find lube, the theme park and then the dinner - the transition to having sex felt lacking. Them just having sex without any sort of discussion about Kawi's reluctance, talking about how it's actually both of their first times (I assume? at least with a man), how it's ok to take it slow.. Idk, Kawi couldn't bear KISSING Pisaeng up until this point, so now they're having sex? It made it feels like he's forcing himself which is the last thing I want for their relationship. I want to see them both wanting each other :')

There were some great highlights like Kawi staring at Pisaeng in bed or calling his mom but for me it wasn't enough to make me feel like their relationship is built on mutual attraction.

[ben-talks-art]

Why I like Rachel

(Spoilers for Tower of God)

If you're somewhat familiar with webtoons, there is a small chance that you've heard at least one of the two most hated names amongst all female characters.

The first one being Rashta, the concubine from "Remarried Empress" that is looked at with a lot of disdain because when the emperor showed up to take her away from a life of slavery and offered her a life of luxury, safety, wealth, and healthiness, she dared to accept it... Truly a hideous monster... Never mind the fact that the emperor himself that cheated on his wife doesn't get nearly as much hate as her, but I'm getting off-topic...

And the second name is, of course, Rachel, a "major" antagonist from the series "Tower of God" that nearly killed the main lead who loved her like a sister and separated him from all of his friends for years by pushing him into a pit where he kept bleeding and agonizing until he was found by a secret society that turned him into a living weapon while all of his friends assumed he was dead.

Yes... She is one of my favorite characters.

While I feel the hatred towards Rashta is kinda overkill, Rachel is someone that I totally get why people feel the way they feel about her.

Aside from the whole "trying to kill the protagonist thing," Rachel is just not a very enjoyable character to watch for most. She isn't particularly clever with her plans and mostly just feels like she's lucky, the ways she keeps escaping death feel like forced plot armor, every time she enters the plot the main lead pauses whatever it is that he's doing to go after her which just breaks up the pace and halts the story, and finally, she just doesn't have that much chemistry with other characters, mostly just acting like a bossy brat giving orders and complaining about not having something she wants.

So why do I like her so much?

Clearly is because I like freckles!

This might be a hot take but... I kinda feel like all of her character flaws are somewhat earned.

Anyone ever seen that episode of Powerpuff girls where Mojo watches an alien invasion doing all the things he always wanted to do with barely any struggle and basically taking away all his dreams from him? That's basically how I feel about Rachel.

The girl's backstory is pretty much that she wanted to be the main character of the story. She wanted to climb the tower, reach the top, get her wish, and see the stars... But for whatever reason anytime she tries she just keeps getting a "no" for an answer, as if the world is conspiring for her to fail.

Not only that, as if being denied her dreams wasn't enough, she also has to watch this kid that she was taking care of go and get it all in her place.

The protagonist, Bam, is constantly doing all the things Rachel wanted to do. He's climbing the tower, he's receiving support from higher-ups, he's making billions of friends, unlocking dozens of power-ups, getting tons of influence, growing stronger and stronger... Meanwhile, everyone just looks at Rachel as if she was a dead weight that's stopping Bam from reaching his true potential because he won't stop thinking about her.

I don't know about you but that to me just sounds so frustrating, as if you were being punished for having your own goals and having to stay still as someone keeps living the life you always wanted, someone, mind you, who you sacrificed years of your own life taking care of, someone who didn't even want this kind of life.

Rachel's biggest crime is that she wanted her own life, a life without Bam, but the dude just wouldn't leave her alone.

I have this personal mindset that any story can be summed up in three words:

"Someone wants something."

A character's motivation is the main core of what drives a story forward and determines how interesting it is, and Rachel's motivation is in my opinion just fascinating.

Like I said, she's basically the side-character who wished she was the main character and has to live constantly being reminded that she isn't and never will be the main character, and the more she tries to be, the more hate she gets, both from the rest of the cast and from the fanbase.

Because of that, even though she committed so many crimes like hurting or killing several of the other characters I still find myself feeling sorry and sympathizing with her because I can see where she's coming from and how that drove her to her current point.

I don't know... I just feel like Rachel has a really interesting and well-earned tragic motivation. At the end of the day it's just jealousy but it feels like such an understandable and relatable jealousy.

That said, I have no idea where the story is going with this character. I don't know if they'll give her a happy or sad ending, and I'm not sure what I would prefer... And I'm not gonna sit here and go "#Justice_for_Rachel" or anything like that. I know she's a villain.

But I at least wish that at some point we could get a bigger exploration of things from her point of view and had one of the good guys also try to understand how Rachel became who she is today.

Favorite character list>>

[sirsell]

I'm here

Quick Authors Note: This is the fourth chapter of my story I'm here. You can find the first chapter here.

I'm a lot more active on wattpad so if you want check my wattpad out.

English is not my first language do feel free to correct me if you find spelling or grammar errors.

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

Chapter 4

The tea helped a little, at least I wasn't trembling as bad anymore. The police had arrived around twenty minutes ago, but I still hadn't managed to say a word. 

"Lottie you have to talk to the police. We can't help you otherwise." Scarlett tried to get me to talk but I just shook my head. I'm not stupid. If I talk about my father, then someday he would find me and get revenge. And in the end it was just my fault, I had killed my mother. If I hadn't done so, he wouldn't have to punish me.

"Miss Johansson." One of the officers talked to Scarlett. She looked up and sighed. "One second. Lottie, baby. I'll be right back. Lizzie will stay with you okay?" I nodded a little, my cold fingers, wrapping around my tea cup. There was warm steam and the smell of chamomile coming from the mug. Somebody had placed a blanket around me and by now I had wrapped it around me. I saw Scarlett talking to Lizzie, who nodded and then walked over to me. I watched in silence as the brunette sat down, giving me a sad smile, one I couldn't return. All the energy left in my body was spent on not going crazy. "Hey Lottie." She said quietly, but I didn't look up. I couldn't look her or anyone of my 'friends' in the eyes. The worry and pity in their eyes, because they didn't know the whole truth. If they did, they would let my father go and understand that he hadn't done anything wrong. I took another sip of the tea and felt the warmth of the drink warming me up from the inside. 

"Lottie." I heard the voice of a man, probably Robert. "Can you look at me, darling?" I shook my head, but a big hand gently pushed me to look up, forcing me to look up. "I know that your father was drunk and I'm very sure that this wasn't the first time." I looked him in the eyes before looking back down. "I don't know if he hurt you before today, but I'm sure that he has been drinking for a while. And I also know that addicts don't know what they are talking about. So no matter what he told you, no matter what it was, just forget it." I looked back up. For the first time into his brown eyes. "How?" I asked him very quietly. He looked surprised that he broke the spell and I finally said something. His eyes widened a little and he gave me a small smile. "When I was younger, I used to do drugs and drink, but I got help and got better. And now I know that I hurt a lot of people, but once you're in this bad mindset you don't care about others and their feelings, all that matters is the drug." He let out a breath and breathed heavily. You could see that it had cost him a lot of energy. I nodded a little trying to sort through everything he said. 

After everything he said I should forget everything, but my father was right wasn't he? He was just punishing his wife's killer. In my head there was one giant chaos and I had absolutely no idea what to think anymore. Scarlett was walking back over. She gave me a smile but she also seemed concerned. "Hey Lottie. I talked to the police. For the time of the shooting you'll stay in my care here, we'll have to see what happens afterwards." I nodded. Robert had gotten up and Scarlett had taken his place. She gently took the mug out of my hand and put it on the table next to me. She gently cupped my face and pushed me to look up at her. "Baby you have to talk to us. I promise you'll never have to see him again, but for this you'll have to talk to us." Her voice was soft and loving and in this moment I wished nothing more then to curl up into her arms and cry, but I couldn't do this. Not now. Not here. Not after everything that happend here. "Lottie please." She was begging now. And in her eyes I could see the worry. "I'm fine." I somehow croaked out. What happened to her pull me into her chest and letting out a sigh. "You're not okay. You're hurt." She replied, but I just shrugged.

"I deserve this." I heard a strangled sob. Definitely not mine. Scarlett was crying. Tears were screaming down her face and she was sobbing. She pulled me closer to her chest and kissed me on my hair. 

"No you don't. Nobody does and if this has to do anything with your mother. It wasn't your fault." She somehow brought out, when she calmed down a little. I shrugged, but this time she didn't let me off this easy. "Say it. Say, you know that you know that her death was an accident." I shook my head. "Father said something different." I mumbled and she looked mad. Her whole demeanor changed. From soft and loving to mad, angry and filled with murderous Fury. "Lottie. He lied. He can't accept that your mother died and now blames you. But it's not your fault." Now the tears were streaming down my face as well and the trembling I had just shaken off, was coming back. Scarlett brushed her hand over my hair, before she got up and held her hand out to me. "Come on, baby. You gotta talk to the police. They'll ask you some questions and you'll have to answer them completely honestly." She took my hand and pulled me in a standing position, before she gently pulled me towards the two cops.

"Sit down love." She was starting to walk away, but my hand gripped onto her wrist. "Don't leave me, please." She looked to the cops who nodded and then she took a seat next to me. 

"Okay let's start with the basics. What's your full name?" 

"Charlotte Louise Young."

"Birthday?"

"09.05.2002"

"Parents?"

"Mary Young and Charlie Young."

"Okay." The officer nodded and wrote the answers again. 

"Now to the difficult topics. When did your father hurt you for the first time?"

"The day after my mom died." "What did he do?" He asked and I tried to  resist the urge to roll my eyes. "In the beginning he just yelled and then he slapped me. Afterwards it was like a dam broke and he didn't hold back. But it's okay I deserve it. I killed my mom." Noe both officers were looking at me. Her eyes were wide and both seemed shocked, while Scarlett just sighed. "Her mother died in a car crash, picking her up from school. I think her dead made her believe she killed her mother ever since." The officers nodded and leaned back a little. "One more question. According to what Misyer Evans and Miss Johansson told us your father was taking of your clothes, as they opened the door. Did your father ever sexually assault you?" I shrugged and looked down. I hadn't been prepared for this question. "Lottie." Scarlety next to me started to stroke my arm and try to calm me down. "It uhm wasn't his fault. I look like her and he was drunk and I and…" I broke down in tears. I was done. I had no more energy left. No nothing mattered anymore and I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. 

"Baby. Let's go. You can sleep in my trailor." Scarlett said and helped me up, but ChrisH who was close around was faster and picked me up and carried me to Scarletts trailor, where she convinced me to go to sleep. 

"Go to sleep love. I'm here. Nobody is going to hurt you. You're safe." I heard the blonde say, as I cuddled closer to her and her hand carefully combed through my hair.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Hi ! Sorry to pop out of nowhere like that but I wanted to ask what keeps you motivated to write ? Because I've been writing for a few months but the more time goes by, the less motivated I feel.

People rarely interact with me, they just like and scroll. I'm trying to engage interactions but it doesn't work like that. I feel like I'm pouring my entire soul and energy in my writing but I don't have get much in return. I really don't know how I should feel. Sometimes, I'm wondering if my writing is the problem. I don't know. You're kind of a popular writer around here so I wanted to have your opinion or advice on the subject. If you don't mind of course.

Sorry for the long rant 😓

Hey anon.

No, you're good, no need to apologize. I am sorry it took so long to reply to this I didn't forget and I wasn't ignoring it. I get asked this a lot and I just wanted to compose something thoughtful and honest and hopefully helpful. Buckle in this will be long. I apologize in advance.

Honestly, I understand your feelings on this. I can understand it gets really hard to write when interaction is minimal. I can understand that it makes you feel like what's the point and make you want to stop or even doubt your ability to write well even when you feel like you are putting everything into your writing. I know so many people who feel this exact way and I get it.

So here we go. The advice I can give, and I hate to give it because in no way do I feel like I am qualified to give any (that damn imposter syndrome is a bi*ch🥴), is instead of writing with an expectation to get something back i.e interaction, likes, reblogs, popularity, etc, write for YOU. Write every single day, write everything you can, especially things outside your comfort zone, and genres you would be normally, try new ways of writing because through that you get stronger and better and your ideas also get stronger and better.

The one thing many don't realize is that most and probably all writers whether indie, traditionally published, freelance, or hobby go through this. Either their work isn't picked up for traditional pub, or their indie work gets such low to no sales, or their hobby writing gets little to no hits. It's a rite of passage I've learned. It is also a test to you not only as a writer but of your character and drive. either one quits and moves on or they say hell no and push forward.

For me, it means I can't just give up on it and mope because of it. If writing is truly something you (and to be clear, I use you loosely and generally, it is not pointed at you) love and wish for as a career you have to push forward through it, you have to develop really tough skin and a seriously strong neck to keep your head high and in the direction of your end goal.

When I started writing on here when the 1st Black Panther movie came out (holy hell it's been such a long ass time) my writing didn't blast off and I didn't gain tens of thousands of likes or readers who interacted regularly by liking and reblogging right away, it took time. There was no instant gratification. In fact, it took a lot of work, dedication, consistency, and effort into developing a way to set myself apart from other writers because there are a lot of us on here.

Nevertheless, for me, writing has never been primarily about interaction and things of that sort. It's been about sanity and finding a way to keep sane in this world as well as escape a little through my worlds and characters. I don't write on here and post for anyone other than me. I've found a way to let all the other stuff fall to the wayside because it will mentally trap you and make you go on this endless loop

And I know this is so much easier said than done. I get it completely. It does take time and work to change your mindset and not allow the things you mentioned to bog you down. I know the work and introspective it takes and it's hard. Yet, it is worth it.

I stay motivated because it is still fun for me. Writing is still something that doesn't feel like a job, it is something I can always depend on to get me out of a bad mood or lift my spirits when I'm not feeling my best. I stay motivated because my head still produces the ideas and it is still exciting to plot out worlds and characters who are assholes, angels, and everything in between and I still have plenty of stories to tell that I know no one else will be able to tell like I can, in the way I can, and the way I envision it.

The same is true for your writing. You have a story to tell in your way and you should write it and share it because no one will tell it like you. No one has the ability to. I doubt that your skill as a writer is the problem. That is always our go-to intrusive thought that maybe our skill is subpar or the content is not engaging enough to capture the readers. If you feel that way truly find someone you trust on here or in RL who can serve as a neutral reviewer and have them provide constructive criticism.

Push forward. I like to hold on to the saying "Build it and they will come". It's stupid but it applies to writing, write it and the readers, etc will come. It may take time but it will happen.

Also, think of it this way a like is an interaction too. Yeah, we may want paragraphs of praise or thoughts and feedback on if it was good and j get it, but a like can also be someone's way of saying "I enjoyed this, I have no thoughts that are worth sharing but I read it and enjoyed it." I know it is the bare minimum that can be done but it is something.

I am all about looking at the small victories these days, the small accomplishments, small gestures, etc. It can help.

I hope this was helpful and it didn't come off preachy, harsh or condescending because it absolutely wasn't meant that way at all.

[eggxdragoon]

I hope to stop talking about my personal life and circumstances to anyone now because the only times I have, people claim to understand and support me through it but then instantly switch and rudely use it against me as if they want to blame me and say it's my fault, as a way to insult me the second they start to hate me for other reasons

anyone who blames me for being stuck in life at the moment and finding it hard to progress in any of the ways one is expected at my age, despite knowing the reasons are fucking scum. especially when they rub it in my face like I'm just some lazy horrible stubborn piece of shit despite the mental and physical agony I'm in on a daily basis

I had years of my childhood stolen by all the horrible traumatic and depressing shit I went through that I don't even speak of and also forced isolation throughout all teen years so I never knew what it was like to be social. I'm still a stranger to the world who hasn't talked to anyone outside family in years because it's so hard and scary to even fathom now

I have anxiety that can be debilitating because the reason I was successfully lured into forced isolation is when it was initially taken advantage of by an abuser saying "see everyone hurts you and is dangerous and out to get you and are your enemy, people suck and it'd be better to live far away from all human life" and I was manipulated into believing it was true for years and when I tried to break out of that mindset I was still trapped physically because they had me trapped

I'm sick of people just being like stfu idiot and get meds and go into therapy in a condescending way even when they know this. it's so insensitive and rude and I don't care if their intentions are to help. motivation and support is going to be better than "it's all your fault you're a fucking idiot go take meds and therapy and become someone I like better and is accepted by society" those are reasons my brain tells me I deserve to suffer already, it's encouraging me to stay in it

I can't take meds for all that because the amount my mom has to be medicated and how she still uses drugs and alcohol to cope on top, how she still treated me despite that, and all the side affects that would massively fuck up my life even more as someone who already has low empathy, bouts of intense numbness where I'm especially suicidal, and how the last thing I need is for that to improve and for my dick to stop working on top of that has made it not for me, I have to find other ways

and therapy is a lot and something that's taking a lot of effort to even consider let alone push myself into it, going from someone who hasn't talked to anyone outside family for years to talking to a stranger about darkest thoughts and memories and secrets would be scary. either way I don't feel I'll ever be able to properly talk about my worst problems anyway because the things I'd have to share would be incriminating for abusers so it could be genuinely fucking dangerous and I'm scared

and then there's the way I'm so depressed it kills me and it's like I've I inherited my mom's major depression but again I can't be medicated for it. and I have to act used to it and joke about it a lot to family but the physical fatigue and chronic pain I feel is really fucking agonizing. I can't remember what it's like to not be tired and aching and sore. I can't remember what it's like to sleep normally. I wish just getting out of bed wasn't such a challenge for me mentally and physically

so fuck you for saying they're just excuses and that I'm just rejecting the idea of getting better. I CAN'T right now because the abusive fucking assholes made sure of that. I can't be a normal functioning adult because I didn't even get to be a fucking kid. not that I'm going to let the abusers win but just staying alive as long as I'm stuck in this will always be enough of a challenge as is. I'm fighting so fucking hard and nobody will understand or appreciate that effort when all I want to do most of the time is die

and this is the tip of the fucking iceberg because all the disgusting and fucked up things that happened to me that I can't talk about causes enough deep mental anguish that I can't even bear to uncover and consider taking with me to the grave. and then comes my living situation and all the tragedy in my life. but even when people know all this, as soon as they hate me I'm apparently just a liar. apparently I'm just a suicide threatener and manipulator. apparently my pain isn't real. I fucking wish it wasn't. fuck you

I've been given every reason to start repressing myself and my feelings around others again. I'm spiralling back into those thoughts of "everyone hates you and wants to hurt you" like I was taught. everyone who yelled at me about needing therapy and blaming me for not being able to and all the reasons I need it made it even harder and set me back in it. thanks a lot assholes it was already fucking hard enough as it is and you just make me reflect on it even harder when you push the idea that I'm not even trying and haven't made any progress at all

I'm sick of being so angry and miserable and in pain everyday.

[keefwho]

September 02 - 2024 Monday

10:30pm

6/10

Today went by kind of quickly, I basically jumped from one project to another and didn't really stop aside from my normal breaks. I watched some more of that wolf show this morning and Summer Camp Island. I wish I could put more focus into it though. Something I did notice about today is how easily I can get into this cycle of work where I burn myself out and it's simply because I'm trying to do too many things at once in my head and not taking even small meaningful breaks. I think I've attuned myself to this kind of behavior and it is not healthy or efficient so I've been trying to think of ways to improve. I think even 10 minutes of whimsical focus on my funny little cartoon would be great for me.

I had to sketch a lot of commissions today which was a lot of reading/thinking and less drawing which is stressful when I do it on stream because there are big chunks of time where I am doing nothing on screen. It didn't help that I didn't wear my avatar today since I was tired and didn't wanna deal with it. Speaking of tired, I really had to push through my small workout this morning because of that and I did not clean anything. RS joined the stream this morning while he waited for PZ to get to his house. We chatted a good bit and even got some basic plans in the works that I'm kind of interested in. He got me intrigued to do work for TDS again except this time I'd insist I'm paid properly and I'd work at a reasonable pace. This could be the extra income I want to make for MFF in december. I had meant to take a nap before lunch but I didn't have time.

Lunch was weird because I didn't have an appetite but I was hungry. I made soup and I put garlic in it which was a mistake but I still ate it. I also had crackers with cheese and a couple with jam.

I think I did decent on today's request and I finished a personal drawing of mine. I'm not too proud of how it came out and the numbers reflect how mid it is, it wasn't a very good composition or anything. It has flaws I've been repeating lately regarding how I do limbs and how I organize the foreground objects. I didn't put in the patience I should have. After that I worked on DS's Adora avatar getting it rigged up all nice and tidy in the up to date Unity project I have for her avatars. I was freaking out trying to make sure I didn't screw up any of the animations and toggled because there were so many things connected but I ended up doing it flawlessly and I am very proud. I also added a couple of little things I think she'll like. I was in BR's discord while I worked but I shouldn't have been. I knew I could have used some alone time to decompress and focus but I also haven't been in there for awhile so my obligation to catch up with them defeated my self preservation. When I was done working I played this worm game with them which they were doing for someone's birthday whom I do not know. Then I left to search for avatar hairstyles with DS. We found a few decent ones but we still gotta search more before I'm ready to put them on her.

How I felt tonight highlighted one of the subtle issues I face regularly. I'm not enjoying myself as much as I think I should. I'm moreso in a state of stress during almost anything. It's not severe to be like "hey I'm stressed" but it very slowly whittles me down. I think mindfulness could have helped with it but tonight I'm only mindful after the fact. I feel like anything could be the "break" I need if only I can do it right. It's more of a mindset thing than an activity thing. I also want to figure out how I can get myself some more of that me time I want without having to do something extreme like isolate for 2 days in VRchat. It's hard to do it in small doses I'm finding. With VR, especially on the first day, it was easy because I knew this was all I had to do so there was nothing else to think about or look forward to. How do I operate like that in a shorter time span with stuff around every corner?

I want to check in with my friends tomorrow I think. Maybe I could make some kind of little perspective taking exercise out of it. Just gotta figure out how.

[hyperfixation-or-death]

sam deslandes is haunting my thoughts today. i am rotating him in my mind like a microwave.

headcanons (with a Lot of angst, you have been warned):

he academically peaked in middle school. post-canon, high school is extremely difficult for him. burnout, anxiety, dropping grades, family issues, everything just kind of piles up on top of each other. he gets through it, but it's really not a good time for him.

he's bi. he doesn't realize this until high school.

when he and victor have arguments, the tension goes on past the point when they've both stopped being mad, because of a specific communication issue: sam needs verbal confirmation that victor's not upset with him anymore. victor, meanwhile is of the mindset that words are meaningless, and needs proof that things are actually fine and that sam's not just saying that. mutual miscommunication usually ensues, and causes a fair amount of issues until they work it out.

he gets good at de-escalating family conflicts post-canon. well, depending on your definition of "good" - there's a significant amount of pressure on him to do it, and he keeps forcing himself to do it, with some degree of success, but it's not good for him. he'll regularly find himself managing to keep it together long enough to defuse an argument, then breaking down once he's alone in his room.

post-canon, he considers sofia the most trusted adult in his life.

he and romane have a mutual understanding that when one of them doesn't want to talk about something, the other won't push it. they usually go to each other when they just want the comfort of having someone close by.

he and bilal, on the other hand, are almost always each other's first person to talk things out with.

maybe there's a part of him that almost envies the fact that victor got to break down. that his brother was able to completely fall apart in the most destructive circumstances possible, and still get pulled back from it. and have it all reset. maybe there's a part of him that almost wishes he got that chance, that kind of catharsis. and he knows, he knows that's an awful thought to have. he knows the whole thing was awful, that victor's still dealing with the memories and the powers and the hurt and the guilt. he shouldn't be anywhere close to envious of that. and, really, why would he be? he got off easy. he didn't have to deal with any of the real problems. not like the other three. he was lucky, and now they're all hurting because of things he can't fully understand, so he can shove down his own problems and help them through this. it's the least he could do, he thinks.

he knows victor didn't set the fire on purpose. he never thought it was intentional. but that didn't change the fact that it happened. that didn't change the fact that he got hurt. when he brought it up in that argument, he was mad, and he was frustrated, and he was sick of being the one to watch someone else lose control, sick of holding things together. it wasn't fair. they had to talk about it, about any of it. and maybe part of him wanted what he was saying to hurt. maybe he and victor were both trying to find the words that would cut deep, maybe they both just wanted to win at this confrontation. and it does hurt, and so does victor's accusation of sam being just like their dad. and no one wins, because then victor's gone and sam's left wondering how they had gotten to this point.

victor had a hard time falling asleep at night when they were younger, so sam would let him hang out in his room until he got tired enough to sleep. this worked well for a while. then the fire happened. victor stuck to his own room after that, at least during the night. for a little while post-canon, though, they have a combination of mild separation anxiety and mild insomnia between the two of them that adds up to them staying up late to watch movies in sam's room pretty often.

anyways yeah. sam deslandes. rotating him in my mind.

[celestialtrolls]

Hi, I'm not the best at describing my own characters, but gonna give this a try--? ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Well to start off he's a super geeky Teal. Really big into fantasy stories and settings, and a massive fan of dragons. Life on Alternia hasn't been the kindest to him due a history of seizures, so he spends his time and money playing as a character he wish he were in real life - a retired adventurer-turned-shopkeeper. He speaks with intense grandeur, like every waking moment is just another act to the story.

He's a trained tailor who also makes his own clothes and costumes! Patient, skilled and precise. Though he has some issues with burn-out so he'd be best with someone who can insist for him to take breaks when it's clearly needed rather than pushing him further. Also some issues with self-image (he's a bit of a chubby boy) even with high self-confidence.

As for where he would take somebody, it'd definitely be some place with one hell of a view. Under the aurora, up high on the edge of a precipice or within a glittering grove. Though for an everyday hangout, either a comic/video game store or some sort of pub.

Likes would include: listening to the radio, bonfires, anything with dragon-fruit in it, hiking, jewelry, candles, steak in pretty much any form, playing dress-up, and the occasional round of paint-ball.

Dislikes would include: lawyers, losing his balance or when the ground shakes, peanuts, and general corporate/anti-art mindsets.

At the moment all quads are open, actually so it's free reign :^>

Thanks!

Wao okay so this is a lot of information that my brain got a bit overwhelmed but from what I can parse I THINK...

This is. Paidra! Her sprites are old don't look too closely okay

She's a cerulean/cobalt cusp who was definitely a sort of fantasy idealist when she was younger, but very much decided that she wasn't content with that and wanted it to be reality!

She is now a streamer + fighting game tournament player who has an absolutely ludicrous collection of limited edition game merchandise because her lusus is a half-dragon and she has very much got the hoarding tendencies.

She is not the type to stop someone from burn-out directly, however she keeps herself awake regularly for 3 nights at a time with an insane amount of caffeine and then crashes for entire days and is very aware that sooner or later she is just going to burn out and collapse completely, making her a very tangible example of to. Not do that.

She's also anti-empire and secretly helps rebel causes. Her red is very taken and she is a lesbiab in concupiscent quadrants but that still. Potentially pale? Or just friends too.

[allycat128]

~VENT~ tw also

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The truth is when people try to deliberately destroy you, you have two options end it all or go through a massive rebirth situation not to long I had a pretty coincidencedentil relationship he was rather abusive physically emotionally mentally psychologically he completely destroyed parts of me but they were the parts of me I didn't want to exist I had to become some form of darkness to protect myself from him I engaged with highly risk taking behaviour that probably could have killed me I had to be stronger than I had to be when I was I child BC he trapped me but truth is he didn't trap me for ever I saved myself no one saved me I didn't need anyone to pick up my broken pieces I'm doing it myself when he isolated me from everyone and everything I was the only person I had once again but it's always been that way even when I had friends they were pretty shit anyway people don't seem to like constrictive criticism but back to the trauma dump my whole entire life I let people drain me in every single way possible and once they hurt me they didn't really get to know me any further than that I hid myself from everyone BC people always hurt me last year and til now I had this very destructive attitude towards everyone who hurt me BC that's all they were doing they didn't respect me my property or home I respected them tho I don't anymore but I decided to be a "bitch" I wish all the best for them I hope they accomplish all there dreams meet all there goals and find themselves and all but there no longer welcome in my life that chapter is done I can't go back anymore there's to many unresolvable issues I can't fix myself and everyone else at the same time sometimes I think I was the bad person of it all yeh some situations I was 100% I'll admit that but it's pretty sad when I think about I put so much effort into friendships just to destruct them for my own benefit but having no one is better than having fakes and copycats if they don't have access they can't copy and I couldn't even be who I was I wasn't a bitch I wasn't a cunt I wasn't all those bad things I was protecting myself in a harmful to other way but pretty much I'm doing a lot better now I'm not starving myself anymore I'm not even gonna say why that started its quite sad I'm actually eating normally again finally it was all because of people who put me down and my weakness I used to be really weak I'm not anymore I'll drop someone as soon as they disrespect disregard and blantly lie to my face I don't take shit anymore I'm finding re inventing/discovering myself for the millionth time but what pushed me to this stage is pretty much on a daily bases for 2-3 months I was told to kill myself to cut my wrists the last time I saw him he actually watched me do it he wouldn't stop yelling so that's what I had to resort to it felt like the only option he was still degrading me afterwards then I got him to stop and he comforted me while that was all happening I sent a voice recording to my brother BC I actually thought something bad was gonna happen he went to the police and he partook in the reason I got out that was the last time he also sa'd me multiple times he wanted to destroy every part of me but in all reality it made me stronger in the end it didn't permanently set me back the mindset I got into is I'm living out of spite I'm saving myself out of spite I'm looking after myself out of spite I'm cleaning out spite Ive become quite the exact opposite of everything he said I was I'm proud of myself to say the least