#and i was like “i am in enough pain that i don't want to move right now. i can't do that” so i got permission to go to the nurse's office
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Was reading some posts about HDG, written by someone outside the community.
What absolutely struck me is the lack of understanding about how the setting works.
First and foremost, I don't care what anyone says, it's a disability narrative. All the kink, and layers of horror and imperialism is in service to the disability narrative.
Because when your body or mind do not function like you expect them to, it's fucking horrific.
It's goddamn terrifying when my legs give out climbing the stairs, it's horrifying when I lose my ability to speak when I get overwhelmed and my stutter comes out full force, when I can't move because the pain from my knee is so intense I lose vision.
Quite often when I am like that I don't want help, I don't want anyone near me, I will actively refuse assistance. This is because of pride, fear, shame, a multitude of reasons. I don't want care, but I need it nonetheless.
One of the most powerful and meaningful things my current partner has ever done for me was telling me to shut the fuck up and let her help.
I needed to be forced to let her help me, despite being in so much pain moving made me scream.
She still needs to make me take painkillers, because I won't on my own.
This kind of care is an intrinsic part of HDG, you are so hurt you can't figure out what you need, so we will do it for you, and we will make you if needed.
Additionally, at least for me, another aspect is knowing that the people you care about are being cared for too.
A huge chunk of my life and daily stress is making sure my friends and lovers are okay, making sure I have enough reserve cash if I need to support or be able to make an emergency trip, anything at all to prevent another fucking lost friend and tearful memorial before their names get added to my sad list of loss.
I *know* I am deeply traumatized by loss, by closed casket funerals, of self inflicted wounds. Because I wasn't there, or fast enough, or didn't notice the signs in time.
I have as a result made myself into the kind of person that will drop Anything to be there. To drive across the country at a moment's notice because there was a Possibility that my friend needed me.
In the world of HDG, that isn't needed, everyone is going to be cared for and safe, and I would be able to finally rest. To relax. To enjoy the beauty of my friends instead of standing watch.
And that is a disability narrative too.
301 notes
·
View notes
Text
This is the part of the helicopter crash fic I started writing today. I don't know if I'm going to post it to ao3 but I did want to share it here. Now, this first update is angst so read at your own risk, but it will be a happy ending, I promise. This is Tommy's pov and I'll be back with Buck's side of things and the aftermath as soon as I have finished writing them —
The silence is stark in the aftermath and Tommy’s ears ring like they are still expecting the screech of the altitude alarms or the roar of metal crashing into rocks and trees. He’s not sure what happened, one moment he was flying his helo back to Harbour and the next, the altitude alarms started going off one by one. He had tried to fix it, tried to pull the bird up even as it became amply clear that nothing was working. They had dropped fast, swinging this side and that with the wind and then his tail had hit the cliffside, sending him and his medic rolling down the mountain in a 30-tonne metal can. He doesn’t know what happened to her, Amy, a new recruit with a penchant for keeping to herself. That’s why they worked together so well, a good thing until it led them here.
“Amy?”, he manages to ask, his voice coming out hoarse. “Medic Garcia?”
There is nothing. Not even the sound of feeble breaths. Tommy swallows the burgeoning feeling of grief and panic and tries to think of a way out. It’s dead of the night, the scenery outside the broken glass of his wind-screen pitch black, the flickering lights of the city not even visible from where he’s landed. He tries to move himself and then immediately freezes as the pain threatens to take away his consciousness.
This is bad, he thinks. I don’t know how to get out of this one.
He is still strapped into his harness and beneath that, his flight suit is soaked with blood. It feels tacky and slippery against his skin, enough of it that he knows wherever it’s coming from, it’s not good news. It’s not survivable. His legs are pinned and he’s pretty sure the wet feeling around his eyes is blood. His ribs hurt and when he tries to move his hands, his shoulders refuse to bear the weight.
Oh, I am definitely not getting out of this one.
The realisation hits like G during a rapid climb and for the first time in long while, Tommy’s scared. He is terrified, as terrified as he hasn’t been since he was a wet-behind-his-ears boy seeing war for the first time. He thinks his hands would shake if he could move them that fast, his breath would stutter if it already wasn’t, wheezing past the damage, past the blood and tickling at his lips. He doesn’t want to die like this, the thought occurs to him. He doesn’t want to die at all. He wants to turn back time and return to those scant months when he had been, for once, truly happy. He wants . . . he wants Evan. Beside him, holding his hand, his fingers tracing the lines on Tommy’s palm as he talks about anything and everything that comes to his mind.
Maybe that is the thing about impending death. Its finality, its loneliness puts things into perspective really fast. When he had all the time in the world, he had faltered, he had a thousand and one excuses ready as to why it was a bad idea. Now that Tommy’s out of time, there is not one that seems to hold up to reason. He wants Evan, he loves Evan and he should have told him that when he still had the chance. He should have spent every second he had left loving him.
He somehow manages to take his phone out of his pocket, surprised to see that it’s still mostly intact, except for the one thin crack down the middle. He thumbs it open and there he is, brushed golden in the sun and laughing at something Tommy had said. It’s a damn shame he can’t remember anymore what that something had been. There’s no cell service on his phone, which is bad but it also relieves him. He doesn’t have to make a 911 call, only to tell them they are already too late and like this, he won’t give in to the urge to hear Evan’s voice one last time.
He opens their message thread like he has done so many times these past couple of weeks, typing and deleting messages that never seem to be able to convey his complicated thoughts. He clicks on the typing bar, watches the keyboard pop up and then just keeps on staring, looking at the bloody fingerprint on his screen as he tries to think of what to write. What last words do you text your ex-boyfriend who you broke up with? That I’m sorry and I think I’m an even bigger asshole than you probably think I am?
The pain in his body notches up, so spread out that he barely knows where it originates from and he grits his teeth with an effort to keep himself from screaming. Eventually, it passes and Tommy takes the opportunity to click on the voice message button to the right.
“Buck.”
He hates that name on his tongue.
“Evan.”, he starts and then stops again because it still doesn’t feel enough. It doesn’t feel like it encapsulates everything Tommy associates with that name — the warmth, the safety, the incredulous how is he real? and the helpless adoration that he just can’t seem to keep at bay no matter how much he tries. So, he gives it one more shot, “Evan. My Evan. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about a million things.”
A cough stops him, the movement jostling him enough that pain rips through him anew and he is left gasping and sobbing.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stay away. I’m sorry I didn’t leave earlier and I’m sorry I left when I did . . . I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He swallows the blood in his mouth or at least, he tries to but all of it comes out with the next cough.
“I should have stuck around. I should have stayed and I should have loved you as long as you let me. I should . . . I should have told you I love you. Even—even if you don’t and that’s okay. You should— you shouldn’t love someone like me but that was no reason to not tell you I did. I just . . . I should have loved you as hard as I could while I still had the chance, Evan. You, at least, deserved that.”
He’s getting colder by the second and the part of his brain that still works, tells him that he is going into shock. Tommy’s running out of time and he’s running out of time fast.
“I don’t want to die.”, he manages to say through the sobs racking through his throat. He thinks he should feel pain but there isn’t anything beyond numbness anymore, “I don’t want to die and I don’t want to go through death alone. I want you . . .”
No, but that’s not right, is it? He doesn’t want Evan in this mess. Evan doesn’t deserve to get hurt again just to accompany Tommy in his last moments. He should be far away, happy, healthy and at peace. Maybe it is better that they broke up. If this was always supposed to be the end, it is surely better that Evan no doubt hates Tommy a little bit now. Maybe, if he’s lucky, Evan will leave a flower on his grave one day.
“I really wanted to be your last, you know?”, he finally says after a minute of silence, the words spilling out almost conversationally, long after he thought he’s run out of things to say. “But more than that, I wanted you to be my last and I’m happy that I got it, even if it’s not in the way I wanted it to be.”
And it's so fucking typical of him, isn’t it? He is being so selfish right now, ruining Evan’s life like this just so he can get some things off his chest. And he knows Evan, he knows what this message will do to him. Evan will go through life with the burden of Tommy’s regret on his shoulders and he hates how tempting that thought is, that if not in his heart, Tommy’s existence will at least have a place in the scars he carries for the rest of his life.
Here lies Tommy Kinard. He’s the bastard that broke my heart once upon a time.
But no, he can’t do that to Evan. He’s been selfish when he kissed Evan the first time, when they decided to give it a second try and when he hurt Evan to protect himself. He’s been selfish every moment that he managed to steal in between.
“Nevermind.”, he breathes out, smiling through the blood that’s threatening to choke him. “Nevermind, Evan. You— you don’t need to know all that. You should forget me. Forget there was ever a Tommy Kinard who loved you. Live a happy life and maybe . . . maybe in our next one, I’ll get to keep you. I’ll delete this now. I would have deleted myself out of your life too if I could’ve but this will have to do. I’m really outta time here, kid.”
He tries to blink away the blind spots around the edges of his vision but he’s fading fast. He fights against the unmoored feeling that is taking over, tries to swipe his screen in hopes of deleting the message but his hands are too slick and too weak to do anything anymore. The phone slips from his grasp and falls with a thunk somewhere near his feet, not that it matters. Not when he can barely remember what he was doing with the phone in the first place. Something to do with Evan. Maybe.
He huffs at his uselessness.
“Evan.”, his lips shape the word with care even though his voice doesn’t quite manage to colour it fully but it’s enough. It’s enough to have that be the last thing he speaks, to be the last thing he thinks about. The name washes away the cold like dawning sunrise on a crisp winter morning and Tommy is at peace, he is content.
“Tommy?”
That’s Evan’s voice. He has to go. He has to answer. He has to—
76 notes
·
View notes
Note
Buck inhales sharply at the admission. Confession.
What he would have given to hear this before all the hurt and all the pain.
His thigh pumps against the hardness pressed against him, and he has the distinct and vindictive pleasure of seeing Tommy tremble, his mouth falling open on a pleading gasp. That's me. I did that. I did that so easily.
Possessiveness uncurls like a snake, ready to sink its fangs. Keeping his eyes fixed on the chiseled face currently flushed with need, Buck trails a finger around the shell of Tommy's ear, a feather-light touch, and down the wanton arch of his neck, over the darkening bruise of his bite, dipping into the hollow of his clavicles. Then he spreads his hand over the column of Tommy's throat, his Adam's apple resting just above the web between Buck's thumb and index finger.
Tommy bites his lower lip before gasping, his lashes fluttering as he tries to keep his eyes open.
"Look at me," Buck orders. His voice is low and rough.
He waits, counting in his head. It takes five seconds before Tommy turns to look at him.
It's clear who is in control here; Tommy's eyes are so dark that all that remains of his irises is the narrowest band of storm blue around blown pupils. There's no fight at all in his muscled frame. He rides Buck's leg almost mindlessly, rutting against a thick thigh.
He's breathtakingly beautiful in his surrender. Buck wants to bathe in it. But first things first.
"Where's your phone?" he demands.
Tommy gulps. Buck feels the muscles of the throat move under his hand. "Bedroom."
Buck slides the hand around to the back of Tommy's neck and drags him in for a punishing kiss, tasting blood from Tommy's lower lip, and straightens. "Go."
They stumble to the bedroom. Every few steps, Buck feels an overwhelming need to grab Tommy and reel him in, kiss him again or suck on the bruise or grope him through his sweatpants, snarling in pleasure when he feels the wet spot growing. Tommy whimpers when Buck latches onto the bruised spot, testing his teeth once more.
"You think you deserve this?" Buck whispers, skimming his lips up to Tommy's ear. "You think you deserve to be marked by me?"
Tommy huffs. "I already am."
Buck pushes Tommy ahead of him until Tommy's lying on top of his rumpled sheets and Buck is straddling him. The room reeks; Buck remembers with a start what spurred him to drive here and go a little mad mauling his ex.
"Phone," he demands.
Tommy's breathing hard under him, eyes wide and jaw slack. He licks his lips, hesitant, before his left hand slides up towards the pillow.
Buck sees the half-hidden device and snatches it up. He keys in the passcode and unlocks it. The wallpaper is one of them both, from their date at the aquarium, making goofy fish faces into the camera.
It makes something hurt hot and sweet in his heart, but that's not what Buck is looking for. He goes to the chat and finds the voicemail.
"I don't remember sending this," Buck says, then sets the phone down next to Tommy's right ear. He stares into Tommy's eyes. "Let's find out what I said to get you all worked up. Maybe this time I can find out what I should do to keep you mine."
He presses play.
"Daddy." Drunk Buck whispers into the quiet between them. Drunk Buck sounds needy.
Sober Buck presses pause. His ass is grinding slow circles on top of Tommy's hips, and he smiles down on Tommy like a shark about to feast. "Daddy," he repeats, adding a breathy little whine.
"Tell me Daddy, how many times?"
"Yes, Daddy," Buck repeats, almost scornful, even as heat crawls up his spine and over his cheeks. "Give me a number."
"How many times... Am I supposed. Supposed to sleep with someone else... Before. Before I'm good enough f'r you?"
The words sting. Buck rips off his hoodie and grabs Tommy's hands, planting them on his waist. It's gratifying when Tommy's fingers immediately try to dig into him.
"Ri' now is just me. I'm just... Just me. Missing you, Daddy. Miss the way... you'd touch me."
Drunk Buck is too fucking honest. Sober Buck pauses the clip, bends down to kiss Tommy ravenously and uses the chance to wiggle out of the rest of his clothes. Tommy jolts when he realizes what Buck is doing. Buck chuckles darkly. They're already listening to how pathetic he is, he might as well work Tommy up and get a good fuck out of him. He presses play again, sliding down Tommy's body, pulling his sweatpants and briefs down low enough to free his cock.
"Right here, kissing up along my thigh... Your scruff."
Buck gives a demo, watching Tommy twitch and shudder beneath his lips and his cheek and his teeth, watching precome beading from the slit of his erect cock and rolling down his shaft. His mouth closes around the shiny head, the tip of his tongue probing and drawing out more and more of the familiar flavors; the taste makes his whole body shiver. His body remembers. It's waiting to be claimed, again.
His gaze slides up to Tommy's stunned face just as Drunk Buck moans "...you'd look at me, like I meant everything to you."
Tommy is still looking at him like that. A burst of helpless anger floods Buck and he surges up to kiss Tommy again; anything to not see the expression on Tommy's face. Drunk Buck is begging now; Tommy clutches Buck close while he kicks off his sweats and briefs.
"You taught me how to... How to make you happy. Please."
Sober Buck pulls away from Tommy just far away enough to murmur, exactly as broken and desperate, "Please, Tommy."
Oh we are putting Tommy through it with the voicemail and the photos 😆😆😆
Tommy should get drunk and leave a voicemail for Buck next. Quid pro fucking quo and all
I mean...I'm down if you are!
What's the saying, team work makes the two sad blorbos fuck or something? 🤣🤣🤣
#baton received 🫡#tommy kinard#bucktommy#evan buckley#tevan#wow this is getting long#maybe we should start a new post idk#anyway just mute the following tag if it bugs you#voicemail fic
218 notes
·
View notes
Note
angst prompt #21. "you don’t get to walk back into my life like this." with female reader and mingyu
of course! 🫶
request your own: full prompt list!
check out my masterlist! // gyu's m.list
angst prompt #21: "you don't get to walk back into my life like this."
mingyu hadn’t expected to feel this much.
he’d thought he could handle it—seeing you again after all this time, just a chance encounter. but the moment he saw you, his heart had dropped, and all the walls he’d built around himself crumbled.
he hadn’t realized how much he missed you until now.
it had been months since he walked away from you, and the emptiness he tried so hard to fill never truly went away. he had convinced himself that leaving was the right thing to do, that you’d be better off without him, that you deserved someone who could give you more. but the truth was, he had been too scared to face his own feelings, and in the end, he left you behind.
but now, standing in front of your door, mingyu felt the weight of everything he had done.
he had to see you.
“hey,” mingyu said softly when you opened the door. your eyes went wide in recognition, and he felt a pang of guilt at the guarded look in them.
“mingyu?” you asked, the surprise quickly shifting into something harder, colder. “what are you doing here?”
he swallowed, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, feeling small under your gaze. “i just... i saw you earlier, and i couldn’t stop thinking about everything. about us.”
you raised an eyebrow, stepping back slightly, but not enough to invite him in. “us? you’ve got a funny way of showing it. you didn’t seem to care about ‘us’ when you walked out without a word. remember that?”
the words hit him like a punch to the gut.
“i know,” he whispered, his voice breaking as the weight of his regret crushed him. “i know i messed up. i didn’t mean to hurt you, but... i didn’t know how to fix it. i thought i was doing what was best for both of us, but i was wrong. i should’ve never left.”
you let out a bitter laugh, the sound sharp and almost mocking. “you think you can just come back and undo everything? you can’t just walk back into my life and act like nothing happened. you hurt me, mingyu. you hurt me more than you’ll ever understand.”
mingyu’s chest tightened as he watched the anger and pain in your eyes. the person standing before him wasn’t the one he remembered—the one he used to joke with, the one who smiled when he walked into the room. no, this was someone who had healed, someone who had moved on without him.
and it hurt.
“i’m sorry,” he whispered, shaking his head. “i can’t take back what i did, but i want you to know how sorry i am. i wasn’t ready before, but i am now. i want to make things right between us.”
you shook your head, a sad smile curling on your lips. “you don’t get it, do you? i moved on, mingyu. i had to. i can’t just forget everything, and i can’t just let you back in because you finally decided you made a mistake. it’s too late for that.”
the words hit him harder than anything. too late.
“please,” he said, stepping forward, but you took a step back, closing the distance between you with an air of finality.
“no,” you said firmly, voice trembling but steady. “i can’t keep doing this. i can’t keep hoping for something that’s never going to happen. i’ve moved on. i’ve let go.”
mingyu felt like the ground had been ripped out from beneath him. he opened his mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. what could he say? how could he fix this when everything he had done was unforgivable?
he couldn’t.
“you don’t get to just walk back into my life, mingyu,” you repeated, this time quieter, but no less painful. “i can’t keep waiting for someone who’s never coming back.”
mingyu’s throat tightened as he stood there, watching you—the person he once thought he’d spend forever with��walk away from him, slipping behind the door with a final click.
he stood there for what felt like forever, frozen in place.
he thought he could change. he thought he could fix what he had broken. but some things couldn’t be fixed. some mistakes were too big to come back from.
and as he stood outside your door, the reality settled in.
it was too late.
#seventeen imagine#seventeen#svt#svt x reader#svt angst#seventeen angst#angst seventeen#kim mingyu#kim mingyu seventeen#seventeen kim mingyu#kim mingyu angst#kim mingyu fanfic#kim mingyu imagines#kim mingyu x reader#mingyu angst#mingyu fanfic#mingyu imagines#mingyu seventeen#seventeen mingyu#mingyu#mingyu x reader#daisymbin: reqs
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
🌛Empowering Messages From Hecate🌜
(top to bottom)
I have been wanting to post a spirit guide messages reading for awhile, but this idea really clicked for me.
For those of you not familiar with the goddess Hecate, she is one of the bad ass goddesses. She has a really interesting story for anyone that is into greek mythology.
Pile 1
You have more options than you realize. You are more powerful that you allow yourself to be. Some of you may have a domineering figure in your life that you are trying to separate from. I think you will probably know who or what this is, because it is a chapter you know you need to close out. If you have been fighting some kind of uphill battle it is okay to walk away. There are good things waiting on the other side of this decision. Amazing things that you deserve. There's nothing wrong with being your own person. Sometimes you will have to go it alone.
Affirmation Card: Today I am resourceful; Today I will turn anything into an opportunity.
Pile 2
You should stand in your power fully. I'm not sure what that means but the vibe I am getting is that you have a lot of internal strength you can rely on. I think right now would be a good time to manifest some bigger things, because I keep hearing "ask and it is given". For some of you, this could be you milking a certain situation and getting what you can out of it. For example, your job didn't appreciate you much before, but now you have another offer from a different company. The ball is in your court now. If you wanted to stay at your current job, you could ask for anything you want and probably get most of it. So, I think this kind of energy is surrounding you at this time. This could honestly be your energy in general but you don't tap into it often enough. Start using your gifts and connections to benefit you!
Affirmation Card: Today I am adventurous; Today I will get out of my comfort zone and try something I've never tried before.
Pile 3
All piles kind of had a theme of "standing in your power", but I guess that makes sense given the topic. This pile seems to have more fear. Fear of letting go. Some of you want a divorce or to back out of a wedding? That is what the imagery looks like. For others of you it's like someone is coming back around, trying to make you second guess leaving them behind? You are being encouraged to remember who you are, and who you are becoming. Don't regress to past versions of yourself or let the pain of the past keep you chained up. If there is happiness and ease entering your life, embrace it. It doesn't mean something is wrong, it means things are going right! Finally, you don't owe anyone shit. You have new, amazing things to look forward to. You have every right to move on.
Affirmation Card: Today I am brave; Today I will step up to every challenge with courage. (Accidentally pulled two cards! I confused myself). Today I live in the present; Today I will start with a smile. I am in control of my attitude
I hope you enjoyed your reading! If you would like a personal reading, check the pinned post for info.
~ K
#tarotcommunity#tarot reading#tarot#intuitive readings#pick a card#pick a pile#pick a card reading#love reading#love tarot reading#divination#oracle cards#channeled message#hecate#spiritual growth#spiritual journey#spirituality#spiritual awakening#spiritualgrowth
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hurry Home
Husband Joel Miller x pregnant f!reader
Summary: Your due date is fast approaching and the last thing you expect is to go into labour when Joel isn't home, meaning you have to call him out of work. Even more so, you don't expect that Joel will end up delivering your daughter in the truck on the way to the hospital. Content/warnings: TW-Childbirth. Joel being the cutest most supportive husband. Accidentally giving birth in Tommy's truck on the way to the hospital. So much fluff. No outbreak/ no use of y/n. Word count: 3.4K A/N: Another cute pregnancy fic because I am obsessed with making them! Hope you enjoy!
Main Masterlist I My other pregnancy fics
It’s 6am and you’re not usually awake but in the final stages, final days of pregnancy you’re finding yourself restless so you’re awake usually before Joel’s alarm is anywhere near ready to go off.
This morning is no different.
He’s only just got up himself when you walk into the kitchen. “Mornin’ baby” he utters sat at the table sipping at his coffee. He observes how sunken in on yourself you are, and you only give him a small smile in response. “S’wrong?” He sits straighter immediately noticing something’s amiss.
“Just real tired and achy” you moan as you move over to grab yourself some coffee “please don’t lecture me about coffee today I need it” you speak over your shoulder before turning back to pour.
“Baby m’not gonna lecture you.” He chuckles “you know I only do that as a joke about you sendin’ the baby crazy, you know I don’t mean it. S’goin on? I can tell somethin’s up.”
“Like I say I’m just really tired but no matter what I can’t sleep. And my backs absolutely killing” you utter back still to him as you add sugar. With your coffee made you turn to face him leaning on your elbows against the kitchen island.
He can see just how tired you are so doesn’t want to push anymore. Changing the subject seems the right port of call. “Shall I pick up some takeout for dinner on my way back?”
You could really go for eating your body weight in spring rolls right about now…
After taking a sip of your coffee which perks you up instantly you reply “yeah sounds like a plan. Chinese?”
“Whatever y’want baby.”
“I’ll let you know if baby changes her mind but right now it’s Chinese for the win.” You laugh taking another sip of your flawless coffee. Joel always makes it so perfect and it’s one of the very first things you bonded over when you met. Strong black coffee. You know after a few more sips you’ll have had enough and you know that your midwife advised against it, but being as exhausted as you are you rely on that morning coffee boost.
“Which job are you working on again today I keep forgetting?” You chuckle cursing your baby brain for making you forget literally every single thing of importance. The only things you remember now are which shops supply your favourite snacks, most of which you feel bad for eating but then say fuck it and eat them anyways because the baby wants them, and calories most definitely don’t count when you’re pregnant.
He takes a big swig of coffee, and you watch the way his throat moves as he swallows it. Fuck… it should be illegal how sexy he is. As he toys with the mug he replies “workin’ at the Stevenson’s again. We’re behind schedule ain’t we and I don’t think the weathers gonna hold out on us again today so that’s probably gonna fuck it all up.” Great which most likely means he’s gonna be late back tonight. You huff as he continues. “N’Tommy hurt his back yesterday so that’s gonna slow us down, plus I still haven’t heard back from the suppliers and without them I can’t fin- baby?” He stands and instantly runs over to your side.
Whilst he’d started droning on about his day which you are genuinely interested in no matter how boring a pain had begun washing over your body and from that point on you weren’t able to hear what he was saying. You just leant against the island as you held the underside of your bump groaning softly. The second he noticed he jumped into action.
“Baby what’s wrong?” He rubs at your back waiting on a response.
You take a deep breath as you stand up straight “I don’t know, that wasn’t nice.”
He keeps rubbing at your lower back as he stares at you. He knew something was wrong he could sense it the moment you entered the room.
“Do I need t’have the day off? You know I will baby just say the word.”
“No I’m sure I’ll be okay, just a bit crampy today. Maybe it’s them Braxton hicks the midwife was telling us about?”
Joel’s eyes keep flicking between your bump and your face, nerves evident. You chuckle softly as you stare at him “look I promise I’ll call you if I need you, but you’ve got a busy day you said it yourself you’re behind.”
“Yeah, but you’re more important than work you know that clients will understand if-”
You smile up at him jumping in placing a hand to his chest. “Joel, I promise I’ll be okay.”
He nods definitely reluctant to leave placing his hand over yours and stroking it “Fin, but I want you restin’ up today, okay?”
“Promise.”
“Good girl.” He kisses your forehead as he moves his hand to stroke over your bump.
—-
It’s a few hours later whilst he’s at work that his phone begins vibrating in his pocket. With the noise going on it’s impossible to hear anything so with the worrying morning you had he made sure vibrate was switched on. When he takes it out and sees your name lighting up on the screen, it’s like he knows instantly that something’s wrong. You’d never just call unless you know it’s his lunch break so it’s serious. And he’s sure he knows what’s going on before he’s even hit accept.
He quickly removes himself from the house to a quiet place and rips off his gloves.
“Baby you, okay?”
“She’s coming, this is for real.”
“Shit baby really?”
“Yeah, they’re getting worse. I thought I’d be able to get through it till you got back. I thought it was just Braxton hicks, but I just had a really bad one a few minutes ago, it’s happening I’m sure of it.” You pant heavily down the receiver.
“Okay baby, it’s okay you’re okay, you’re okay.” He repeats and isn’t in hundred percent on if the words are actually for you or for himself. And he’s pretty sure if you tell him your waters have gone that he’s going to have an aneurysm. “Have your waters broke?”
“No” you pant “not yet.”
He can’t help the slight sigh of relief that leaves him. “Okay baby m’comin’ just gonna tell Tommy n’I’ll be on my way, okay?”
“Oh god I’m having another one!” You begin moaning down the phone, it’s agonising and it’s even harder having to do it alone.
“Just breathe. Just breathe that’s it, I’m on my way baby I won’t be long.” He reassures as he runs through the house to find where Tommy is.
“It really hurts Joel!”
“I know baby I know, m’comin’ I promise, sorry m’not there but m’comin’.”
Having found Tommy outside on a what he’s calling a ‘cigarette recharge break’ he runs over to him.
“You best not be comin’ here t’scold me again I told you they help with stress.”
“Tommy I couldn’t give a flyin’ fuck about you smokin’ right now. I gotta go babies comin’” he utters quickly moving the phone to press against his shoulder as he speaks to him.
“Really?” His shocked expression making Joel chuckle as he freezes cigarette millimetres from his mouth.
“Yeah, m’serious I gotta go.”
“Shit.” He takes a quick puff before throwing it to the floor putting it out with his boot. Puffing out the smoke. “I’ll drive you. I’ll tell Bob t’hold the fort, I’ll leave and come back.”
“Sure?”
“Definitely.”
He nods moving the phone back to his ear. “Baby y’still there?”
“Yeah m’here, shit they’re getting close Joel. I can’t talk through them anymore that’s when the midwife said it’s getting serious!”
“S’okay, Tommy’s gonna drop me to yah okay, is the bag still ready?” He’s out of breath as he questions running to Tommy’s truck.
“Yeah, it’s by the door and the- ugh- the car seat. I’m so glad we planned ahead.” You’re breathing heavily still recovering from the pain.
“Okay, good that’s good.” You can hear the truck door slamming in the background “we’re in the truck we’re comin’, okay? Did y’call the midwife?”
“Yeah, I called earlier. When I called, she said they were still too far apart to go yet either wait till they’re closer together and lasting longer or if my waters break and they’re getting closer so I don’t think it’s gonna be long till we can go.”
“Okay, okay baby m’comin, I’ll be there soon baby I love you. You get yourself ready and call me again if y’need me.”
—-
When Joel makes it home, you’re trying to put your shoes on but are instead struggling through a pain. He rushes to you rubbing at your back as you pant through it. “You’re okay baby I’m here I’m here.”
“We need to go! They’re so close now they’re basically on top of one another, I called triage again the midwife said to go now.”
“Okay baby. Tommy offered t’take us save me drivin.’ You get ya shoes on I’ll get all this in the truck.”
You nod watching as his flustered figure leaves with the bag and car seat. When you’re able to move again you slip on your slippers and he’s back to help you walk towards the truck.
You’re leaning on him as you walk and when he gets to the truck, he releases you to open the door. That’s when you feel something major change below and you gasp as you hold onto the underside of your bump.
“What? What is it?” He looks back at you.
You look down at the floor the puddle now growing surrounding your feet. “My waters Joel!”
“Okay it’s okay it’s fine means it’s definitely happenin’, but we are gonna go now, okay?”
“Oh fuck Joel!” Your body keels over as another pain rips through you. “Fuck holy fuck…” Joel’s quick to be rubbing at your back, hoping to help if only a tiny bit.
He’s so beautiful when it comes to helping you through the pain, he’s exactly what you need. “You’ve got this baby.” He whispers as he holds you close whilst still pushing on your back. It’s agonising, but slightly more bearable now he’s at your side.
Once you straighten, he looks into your eyes with a smile brushing shine hair out of your face. “Okay?”
You nod, and with the all clear he helps you climb into the truck. You can’t help the way you groan uncomfortably at the movement.
“Hey sugar.” Tommy looks back to you.
“Hi” you groan as Joel shuts the door when you’re in. “I’m sorry you had to come out of work.”
“I’m glad of the break don’t worry yourself sugar, you’re more important than work. This niece o’mine is so much more important.”
Joel climbs in the other side groaning as he pulls the door to.
“I’m not strapping myself in I’m too uncomfortable” you groan as you move to sit leaning against the door, kick off your sodden slippers and put your legs over Joel’s lap. He rubs your shins gently with his hand as he studies you. “That’s fine baby.”
The journey is agony every pothole and bump in the road moving you in ways they shouldn’t. Causing extra spasms in your back.
After ten minutes of driving your pains still getting worse with hardly any space between them anymore you can’t help but work yourself up. “Fuck it wasn’t supposed to be like this.” You groan as you squeeze onto the hand Joel’s given you.
“Baby, you know that this baby don’t ever do anythin’ by the book how long did it take f’us to find out she was a girl cus of the way she was dancin’! And how many times has she scared the shit outa us by goin’ quiet. She likes to do her own thing that’s all.”
You just huff struggling as another pain begins to take over. “But I need everything to be okay, what if it’s not okay!”
“Hey, no no do not start doin’ that, calm down and just breathe take it easy, she’s comin’ in her own time and she’s gonna be just fine.”
It’s when you’ve been going another fifteen minutes or so and the hospitals another ten minutes away that you suddenly feel like you need to push. When you think on how fast that seems to be you don’t believe it, but the pressure tells you it’s time.
You reach the hand that isn’t squeezing Joel’s into your leggings and that’s when you realise what’s going on “oh god.”
“What baby?” He turns to look at you worried as your eyes bug. He notices where you’ve put your hand, and it sends his heart racing.
“I can feel her head. I need to push!”
His body jolts. “Shit really? We ain’t too far from the hospital now.”
You nod eyes wide. “Joel she’s coming!” You scream as another agonising pain takes over.
He unbuckles his seatbelt as he turns to face you fully. “Hey shhhh, It’s okay baby don’t panic we’re here to help. If y’need t’push an’ get her out just do it okay? Tommy’s gonna keep drivin’ we ain’t too far away now, but if y’gotta get her out just push darlin’.”
“But I don’t want you to look at me down there like this you’ll think I’m gross. You’ll hate me!” You groan tears welling everything feeling way too much right now.
Fuck… You’re about to have your baby in Tommy’s fucking truck…
He chuckles softly “I’d never think that ever when it comes to you darlin’, you’re brinin’ my baby into this world I could never think that’s gross.”
You’re not a hundred percent on if you trust him, but you don’t have time to dwell on it as that wave begins taking over again. Rendering you unable to focus on anything but that feeling, it consumes you as it rips through you. Like absolute fucking torture. “Oh god there’s another one coming I need to push!”
“S’okay baby just do it, lemme get your leggin’s off you just push if you feel like y’need to okay?”
You nod before taking a deep breath and begin pushing before your leggings are even down. Making the most of pushing with the pain whilst it’s there. Joel quickly takes off your leggings and panties. He then spreads your legs so he can watch what goes on.
Whilst the thought of it has you more embarrassed than you’ve ever been. You don’t even bat an eyelid on him looking down there now. You’re in too much pain to care, are too determined to bring your child into this world to focus entirely on the fact that your husband is watching you basically split into two.
You push for what seems like eternity trying your best to put as much energy into it as possible before taking a deep breath.
“I can see her head” he looks from between your legs to your red sweaty face. “She’s really comin’ baby; you were right she’s right there!” He explains in praise as you pant. You don’t miss the way his eyes go misty; he’s really trying to hold himself back from getting emotional.
“I don’t wana wreck Tommy’s truck!” You utter through pants, your chest heaving like never before as you cry softly.
Joel’s lips part and he places his hands to your knees as he’s obviously about to scold you for even thinking that, but Tommy beats him to it.
“No problem sugar I wana meet this niece o’mine I don’t care. My truck should not be a concern o’yours right now honey.” He utters through a chuckle eyes still focused on the road.
Joel nods, “let’s just get her out okay, no one’s gonna be mad if y’ruin the seats in his truck, they can be cleaned, heck replaced if necessary. Just go with what your body is tellin’ yah and push if y’need to.”
You nod. Okay it’s time to do this.
You continue pushing with the next few pains that hit you which at this point with them practically on top of one another it’s a case of push, breath, pant repeat.
“Okay her heads gonna be out on this next one baby, I got a feelin’, keep goin’!” He exclaims and that’s all you need to hear to push again screaming the truck down as you do, you grab your thighs pulling them towards you as you put all your energy into pushing down, and with that her head pops out. You gasp releasing your thighs throwing your head back as you swallow and pant.
“God baby she’s so beautiful, almost there now come on let’s get her out.” He chokes.
“Wait, I just, I wana…” you struggle to get the words out so instead just move your hand so you can feel her. You chuckle wetly as your hand makes contact with her head. You look down between your legs mesmerised by what you’re seeing. You can’t see her face, but her tiny head is covered in brown hair identical to that of her fathers. “Oh my god she’s got you hair.” You cry looking to Joel who is very clearly still fighting back tears of his own.
“Yeah, she does baby. Now come on push and get her out, okay?”
You nod psyching yourself up ready to push with the next pain. It isn’t long till you’re pushing with all you might, grasping your thighs to help you push, having full understanding getting the shoulders out is even harder. You feel her slowly making an appearance and after a final push she’s here!
You cry out as she leaves your body crying instantly and when Joel picks her up to hand her over to you, you sit up slightly and take her against your chest. Crying uncontrollably in cries that match your newborn tiny daughters.
“She’s here, she’s finally here!” You weep as Joel moves closer to you brushing a hand over her tiny head.
“You did it baby m’so proud of you.” He chuckles through cries as he leans over to kiss your forehead. The second she was here he couldn’t keep the tears in any longer. So here the three of you are in Tommy’s truck crying your eyes out.
“Oh my god I did it!”
The shock is so real. It’s all official now…
Parents for life.
“Shit did I ruin the truck?” You quiz trying to look down at the seats.
“Fuck the truck sugar you just had my niece I couldn’t care less.” You can hear the wetness in Tommy’s voice as both you and Joel look in his direction. You meet his eyes in the centre mirror, and you can see they’re red.
“Tommy miller, are you crying?” You chuckle wetly.
“You know I am sugar. How could I not be she’s here!”
“She’s here!” You exclaim again looking down at her kissing the top of her head as you wrap your jacket around her to keep her warm till you make it to the hospital.
“She’s so beautiful baby m’so proud of you.” Joel sobs with a smile.
“Look how tiny she is” you chuckle moving one of your fingers to brush over her forehead to her nose and then over one of her tiny ears. “She’s absolutely beautiful.”
When she stops wailing and is content wrapped in your jacket you pull her away from your body holding her cradled in your arms so you can study her.
“Babe, she looks just like you.” You chuckle as he moves nearer to admire the other most important woman in his life.
It hurts how much you love her already.
When she scrunches her face obviously not happy and wanting food you can’t help laughing. The way her eyebrows furrow, her face goes red, it’s miniature Joel. “Look it’s angry Joel! She’s your twin!”
He sniggers wetly watching the way she wails softly and hating seeing her that way he brings a hand to brush over her head as you bring her back to your chest. The way he shushes her is beautiful to listen to, how attentive he is with her already is something to be admired. As you both try to soothe her Tommy pulls into the hospital.
Thank god you finally made it.
#the last of us#no outbreak!joel miller#joel miller#tommy miller#pregnancy#fluff#family#so much family fluff#domestic fluff#pregnancy fic#pregnant#tw childbirth#childbirth
24 notes
·
View notes
Note
queen you know ily but i still want y/n to be bitter and resentful pleeeeaaaaase
One moment you were texting with Kyungsoo, the next you were lying on the floor of the apartment you shared with Yoonsu, ears ringing from how hard he had hit you on the side of your head from behind. You saw his feet appear in front of your face, then he pulled your head up by your hair, making you wince.
Shit. You didn't even hear him coming. He caught you red-handed, then—like you gave a fuck. The blackmail was gone now, there was nothing he could use to threaten you anymore.
He scrolled on your secret phone, reading the messages you exchanged with Detective Do.
"Wow, you're one disloyal bitch. You've been talking to another man behind my back." Yoonsu seethed, letting your hair go.
Your head dropped to the floor, and you could finally move freely again. As you struggled to get your bearings (why the fuck did he hit so hard this time?), Yoonsu sent a reply to Kyungsoo's text and threw the phone out of the window.
You were trying to crawl away from where he was, your head spinning too wildly to let yourself stand back up, making him scoff at the pathetic sight. He followed you closely, actually curious to where you were heading.
You were heading to the kitchen, it seemed.
"Good for you for getting rid of the blackmail, Y/N, but you do know what this means, right?" He sounded off—talking to you like you were an audience member of his own live TV show.
When you could finally stand up again, getting to your knees as you began to stand on your feet, he kicked you in the stomach. Cheap shots and low blows—Cha Yoonsu, how he has fallen so far from his fearsome status. Pathetic and cowardly was all that remained of the man who had been subjugating you through blackmail.
You had to laugh at it—how could you not? Never mind the stabbing pains in your stomach as you gurgled in laughter while writhing in pain on your back.
"Fuck—do you remember when people used to fear you, Yoonsu?" You giggled out.
That earned you a kick to your arm.
"Are you gonna talk about how much of a coward I'm now? Wanna talk about how I have no dignity left?" He hissed, crouching down next to you.
He watched you closely as you sat up.
"You know how to read minds now?" You bit out and that earned you a punch to the face.
He didn't give you a chance to recover, pulling your hair up so your face could face his. He was beyond angry, you could clearly see that, but he had always been angry. This time, he was being reckless with his anger, explosive instead of simmering. You held your cheek, the warmth of your hand easing the pain.
"Well, maybe I am a coward now, but so are you. You have always been a coward, Y/N. Sure, I pushed you to isolate yourself from your people, but it was you who still did it anyway—all because you didn't want those slutty pictures of you to spread. And you wanna make me believe you pushed them away because you were being selfless? Didn't want them to get involved in our mess? No! You were being selfish, Y/N, so stop deluding yourself that you're anything but." He tugged on your hair so your face was pulled closer to his.
Your spunky behavior from just a moment before was wiped out of you. No more gutsy comebacks, no more smart quips. No more being a smartass. When fear surfaced in your eyes, Yoonsu didn't dare to delude himself that you were getting afraid of him—he knew it was actually you fearing what was coming out his mouth.
Because both of you were taking what he was saying as the truth.
"If only you were actually brave enough in confronting your past, accept that it happened to you—but you didn't want to. You wanted to live in a fantasy land where none of it even happened in the first place, all the while whining 'You don't know what I've been through! I don't deserve this! Wah! You hurt my feelings! You don't know that the things you said just hurt me!'—GOD! Those guys were saints for putting up with you." He laughed, patting your cheek.
"You're so selfish, you fled Gangnam after that botched operation to arrest me—because you couldn't stand facing Detective Kim anymore when everyone knew that Junyoung got killed because of you. Because that idiot cared too much for a selfish, cowardly girl like you. He's probably rolling in his grave at your school's abandoned plant nursery, Y/N, because you ABANDONED HIM." You shrieked when Yoonsu began to yell at you, and it annoyed him so much, he slapped you.
"I did your brother a favor for making you isolate yourself from him. He's better off without you. A rising star like him would be better off without a dead weight. I did everyone in your life a great favor. Since you love them so much, you should be grateful to me, you selfish bitch."
He threw your head to the ground, watching you break down in tears. Since you were already in the kitchen, he headed to the counters and took out a knife.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kyungsoo pressed on the gas, knowing the way to the apartment you shared with Yoonsu like the back of his hand—he's been prowling around the apartment for days now, of course he'd know. He cut off a Ford F150, tuning out the honk directed at him.
"Detective Do!" Taeyong let out, and Kyungsoo pressed on the gas more.
"We're running out of time, Taeyong!"
Geonwoo held his breath when a car suddenly cut him from his right, while Woojin let out a string of curses that would have his own mother petrified if she heard it. Mark and Yuno held on their seatbelts, shocked when the car almost did a break check.
"You both okay?" Woojin asked with a firm tone, Geonwoo still focusing on the road.
"Y-Yeah. What was the guy's problem?" Mark choked out.
"Who fucking knows—but don't mind it too much. We have a big celebration tonight. We're almost there anyway."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
You stared at Yoonsu bleeding out right before you, as you pressed on your own stab wound. It all happened so fast, and you wanted to yell at him, ask him why he so suddenly stabbed himself in the throat after stabbing you in the stomach.
But to watch Yoonsu bleed out while wearing Junyoung's face was a stuff of your nightmares, and Yoonsu was staring straight at you until the light in his eyes was finally snuffed out.
It felt like you were watching Junyoung himself dying in front of you.
You crawled over to his body, taking out his phone. You stared at it for a while, your hands shaking from the shock of the pain. With the amount of blood you were losing—was it gonna make a difference if you called 119 now?
Were you going to die this way?
You dialed Yuno's number, devastated when he didn't pick up after you tried three more times. So you gritted your teeth and started to put in Mark's number instead.
If you were going to die, you at least wanted to talk with your loved ones before you...go. You put the phone to your ear, tears dripping down your face, like the blood that dripped down your wound.
"Listen, Jaehyun's gonna sue you if you—" You hear Mark's heated voice, and you realise that since you were calling him using Yoonsu's phone, it was an unknown number to them. They probably assumed you were one of Jaehyun's stalkers.
"Minhyung." You slurred out.
Mark on the other end of the line froze in his steps, standing stupidly near the truck as the others were already entering the café. He pulled the phone away, but it still displayed the unknown number. Why were you calling through an unknown number? He then realised you had called him 'Minhyung' instead of 'Mark'.
"Y/N, why are you calling through this number?" Mark sighed, pinching on his temples.
"Can't find my phone. Is Yuno with you?" You slurred on your words, staring out the windows, feeling weaker by the moment. It made it sound like you were drunk, and Mark seethed at your inebriated state.
"Are you drunk? At 7 PM? Seriously?"
"Please just give the phone to Yuno, I—"
"No. If you really want to talk to him, you'd come here. No one's gonna lock you and your Junyoung out the doors, Y/N. Just show up, for fuck's sake." Mark held himself back from raising his voice, and that's when he noticed Haechan was beckoning for him to get inside the café already through the windows.
Mark held up a hand, then pointed at the phone, mouthing your name. Haechan rolled his eyes when he understood Mark was on call with you, and left him alone.
"I can't come, Minhyung, but I...I still want to congratulate him. Just please—"
"No, I don't wanna do that, Y/N! Jaehyun wants you to show up, not hear you drunkenly give out a half-assed congratulations through the phone. You'd just make him sad at his own party. If that's all, goodbye."
He dropped the call, turning off his phone and shoving it into his pocket before getting into the café.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kyungsoo kicked on the door, but it didn't budge, so he rammed at it instead. It resulted in him falling into the apartment face first, but he got to brace the fall with his knees and hands—so he didn't faceplant into the floor this time, thank you very much. When he raised his head, he saw the blood trail in the kitchen area.
Taeyong saw it from the front entrance and he beat his partner to it as he raced into the kitchen. He felt his breath getting stuck in his throat when he saw the two bodies on the tiled kitchen floor, blood everywhere. He went straight to you while Kyungsoo from behind him went to Yoonsu as Taeyong was already checking for your pulse.
Taeyong felt your pulses, it was there, but it was weak. He took out his walkie talkie and immediately called for the ambulance.
As you were getting wheeled into the ambulance with Kyungsoo by your side, Taeyong got into the car, determined that he would be the one to inform the people you wrote out in your list. He opened his jacket, and—the list wasn't there. Feeling himself panic, he began to search the whole car, as Kyungsoo was already getting into the ambulance.
The list was gone.
The list was gone.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
You woke up to the sound of the heart monitor beeping, and you turned your head to the side to see Kyungsoo getting up from his seat to look at you more closely. You were wearing an oxygen mask and you pulled it to the side.
"Taeyong, get the doctor! Shit—keep the mask on kid. The bastard stabbed you through your lung. Do you—do you wanna say something?"
You nodded, placing the mask pressed against your cheek.
"Have you reached the people on my list?"
Kyungsoo felt his heart constrict at your question. Dumbass Taeyong—he lost the list. And even when they did retrieve your brother's address and contact information, he neither picked up his phone nor was he at the condo. He was currently unreachable—and so was your dad.
He shook his head, regret marring his expression.
"I'm sorry, Y/N, but we lost your list. If you could—"
"Good."
Kyungsoo snapped his head at you, eyebrows furrowed.
"What?"
"I said good. I don't want them to be here, and I don't want you to try and reach them anymore. I'd rather be alone right now, so I would appreciate it if you kept it this way."
Kyungsoo was just about to ask you what you meant by that, but that's when Taeyong came in with the doctor and nurses. They pushed the detectives away as they checked on you, and Kyungsoo finally noticed just how empty you looked.
You looked utterly defeated.
A/N : since y'all wanted to see Y/N be bitter so much, here you go then 😒
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
im being so so brave but also i am gripping you by the shoulders and leaning in and letting you know i am so tired of being brave
#my job has invented new and even more agonizing ways to make itself stressful to endure#and that isn't even counting the fact that i've now seriously fucked up my wrist transporting 30lb boxes up and down stairs#or the fact that i occasionally get piercing shoulder pains if i'm not super careful about how i use the hand truck#or the fact that whenever i come home on mondays my entire lower body is so sore that i can't move beyond a weak shuffle#it's the fact that my boss has no sense of organization#so my supervisor and i are basically salvaging or starting from scratch every week#it's the fact that some of our clients are asking for things we're not even contracted to provide#like access to our company materials or additional resources outside of our scheduled bookings#and that there's this constant looming threat of 'ohhh don't be bad at your job!! or else we'll lose our contract with these people!!'#but 'bad at your job' in this case means 'not bending over backwards to accommodate the least accommodating circumstances possible'#like 'hey you need to lead this training exercise meant for 20 people except actually you only have 4 people'#'and actually none of them are familiar with the prerequisites for this training or have any experience with the skills'#'and also none of them want to be there and half of them just Don't Do These Things as a rule'#'and if you try to make them do anything they don't want to do (even if it's literally the point of the training) they Will leave'#'and then we will no longer have enough clients to pay you'#like. what am i doing. this company was not designed to work with this format. we're not an arts and crafts group or a club meeting#hi so i wrote this post before starting weekend work prep#it has been 3 hours now#im still not done#i haven't eaten and my wrist hurts so bad#i need to.................. take a break................................
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
The older I get, the more I see constant unhealthy social dynamics/connections between people and it just makes me feel so ill and not wanting to connect with others- just cause they're not aware at all of what they're doing and they're gonna hurt me through their own unresolved life patterns and pain
#like i see it every day in my family... work... people i know it and it literally makes my stomach turn#i am too aware and sensitive cause i know this shit is hurting me cause many have placed their issues/pain on me and have been evil to me#like i gotta move away and cut so much off and just be alone + never make friends again for a long time#cause by the age of 25 i will be content with everyone who is in my life and i don't want anymore people in#ive fucking had enough#like i know that i must set up boundaries/try to separate and not take it personally but it deeply upsets#upsets me#i dread being around everyone irl the older i get#and i keep getting reminded of painful things like everything is coming back to me + hitting me harder
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Actually, I like codependency in fiction. Let people love each other exactly in the way they long for and need. Just because they are capable of functioning seperately doesn't mean they have to when all they want to do is spend their days together and share the tiny blip of existence they have left with one another. And I'm sorry but I'm tired of screenwriters pretending that learning to be miserable on your own is somehow a superior story arch as well as a moral virtue somehow. Maybe you want realism in your fiction but I for one want my comfort characters to morph into a singular entity. I want to treat them the way I did gummy bears as a child and just leave them out in the sun until they melt together into one solid block of sweetness. Reality is already depressing enough. Friendships end. Love fades. Life gets in the way and seperates people who aren't ready for their journey together to be over yet. Loved ones leave us all the time and sometimes there's no good explanation and it's unfair and painful and too often there's nothing you can do about it. And sometimes the one person you wish you could talk about it with the most is the one that's leaving and it fucking sucks. [And I get that this is precisely why we need these themes in fiction to confront these feeling and cope with them in a setting removed from reality but that's not what this post is about damn it.] I just wish this weren't the only angle we got. I wish we also got the "easy" happy endings, the unrealistic friendships, the kind of closeness that isn't portrayed as weighing you down but rather lifting you up. I wish fairytales weren't only for children and I wish adults didn't take such pride in forgetting they were children once, too. Can't we at least have the nice things in our little made up worlds?
TL;DR: Girls should get to have their little escapist delusions. As a treat.
#was this prompted by a fucking buddy comedy show about two guys bitching at each other over zoom? well#staged finale really poked some Painful places#not saying the episode itself should go differently btw it fit the show and the pandemic setting very well#like it was actually an amazing piece of writing and performance and the ending was symbolic and bittersweet and very true to many people's#actual experience at the end of the pandemic. it was glorious and good. but I'm also depressed about it. and this is my post to cope so...#I'm just very emotional at the moment and Sayning Things. don't expect me to fully Mean them too.#there's a much bigger narrative and a more nuanced take here but I don't feel like writing it atm. this post is about found families and#platonic soulmates and life partners in fiction getting to stay together and about not being forced to move on when the people involved#don't want to move on and don't need to move on. this post is about comfort and that's enough. please don't expect me to be eloquent today#staged#found family#platonic soulmates#and yes this is also very much about stranger things okay I am not rid of my other demons yet
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
1 note
·
View note
Text
i think i am probably physically disabled
#i've known for awhile now that whatever is wrong with me is probably ''enough'' to be considered a disability#it's. disabling.#i live my life in between excruciating pain that leaves me unable to move much less walk and nausea so severe i can't breathe.#but there's a mental block in my brain that wants to downplay that#i work with a disability activism group because i am autistic and i've loved getting to know other disabled people#but even typing the first part of that sentence is difficult because of how hard it's been for me to accept my own autism (& often i can't)#i just. i don't know. i have very complicated feelings but i think this is probably a true statement and i don't know how to feel about it.#especially since it's starting to feel like i spend every fucking day waiting for the pain to stop
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
how fleeting huh
#🌙.rambles#i rlly need to be more consistent in sleeping earlier bcs these thoughts r just#ah no. they're always there. most of the time. i just take my mind off them throughout the day n.#idk i'm not in the mood to expound on that rn but it's just so bittersweet#i'm. the kind of person to keep on looking n moving forward. onwards. ever towards the morrow.#can't be helped after all when. i genuinely am curious n interested in life. i want to reach far n high n yeah#but i'm sentimental too n sensitive n emotional n i want to hold on i want to remember#but even that's just not enough n at times it really gets so hard to live w the burden of it all. it's so heavy isn't it?#i'm passionate with literature n games n music n.. i want to take in as much as i can. learn. but also create. bcs there's a lot in me too.#n it#it's just. yk when it's simultaneously so confusing n comforting. with how life is just so full of possibilities n so full of depth n#meaning n then there's stuff too like not only my personal life n the personal lives too of the ppl i personally love but#the world as a whole w. just. all the pain in general. it weighs me down too which is why when i was younger it'd be rlly#draining to be more politically-aware but. i don't fare well with ignorance either n life is just so full of contradictions#n sometimes i think too much i feel too much#too fast too slow too little too much.#but that thinking is.. i think bcs there's a standard or smth that we have in our minds#if we just. embrace who we are at our core. as humans. n let go of all those extra stuff n all#then i think i'd be more at peace. with more freedom. i feel so restrained in this#uh. it's nearly 2 am n i'm multitasking smth before i sleep so i'm not sure if this is the right word but postmodern society? not sure#but yk this society where.. toxic social media culture n then. the distance between us. the lack of understanding n sincerity#just. hurts me so much. i hate it. it's so lonely. this world is so lonely yk? as a whole#but ahh i'm thinking too much again n that combined w my own personal struggles w pushing myself to do the best i can#& then. fuck social anxiety i just can't help overthinking too often but yeah. Yeah.#i'll go sleep in a bit tho. i think i'll just do more tomorrow.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
trying to deconstruct my mountain of feelings about the dunkie donut interview tomorrow
#my diary#I'm smad because this is not the work I've been training to do and it feels really unfair and cruel#I'm also a little embarrassed and ashamed of being smad because like. is being smad just me thinking fast food is 'lesser' employment?#am I really just disappointed that I failed to find a job in my field despite TWICE now training for growing job roles#or am I just being a capitalist pissant who thinks they're to good to sling coffee all of a sudden#there's also a lot of fear#fear of having to exist in the real world as a physical person actively transitioning#in a state that's kind of famously gone super red in the past few election cycles#the fear that I don't actually know if I can be on my feet for a whole fast food shift anymore with my back and hips the way they are#just standing for extended periods of time is really hard#thinking back to my last run w/ fast food there was enough moving around and bending/squatting that I could be okay#esp if the shifts are fairly short#but I won't know until I get there and well being in excruciating breath-taking pain sucks ass so I'm not looking forward to that#and also just the fear of not getting hired LMAO which loops back into the 'oh god I secretly think I'm better than a dunkin barista'#bro I am SO tired of everything being complicated and feeling ungrateful for what I get in life#I just want a spreadsheet job and enough money for a studio apartment and a dog why is this too much to ask for
1 note
·
View note
Text
Ennies Lobby 3.0. yes that's happening I have too much to yap about
Omg look at these freaks
Franky is so real.... look at him....
Omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I have teared up so many times just bc luffy smiles with meaning at some point. insane btw.
MY GOOOOOOOD!!!!!! AAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The neutrality of it all....
I forgor about aokiji revealing that he was friends with Saul and that he was protecting her because of it... the "live life and prove to me that ohara is still alive"... damn reminds me of garp saying to ace that he would find out if it was wrong for him to be born. "I don't know if it was right or wrong for saul to let you live" yeah that's it. But anyways all this happened because aokiji was loyal to his friend and now we know that he didn't even kill him!! So why is he with blackbeard?? I can't shake it!!!
I can't do it.... I can't.....
Luffy and franky talking about how mich they like the ship while he's chasing his speedos bottomless through the city 😭😭 it's so sweet actually... Franky only has one pair of speedos... thats why he ran thru the city to get them I get it now
"If you don't mind being a little rough I'm wiling to help" robin you freaky girl. But truly that is one of many robin and luffy's autistic communication moments they just know. Also if robin stopped crushing his balls but everyone could see the hands being there that means that she was just holding them for a while while he wept. Normal things here.
Franky blaming himself all this time... 🥺🥺
And he just takes his trunks and walks to the ship without putting them on akdjaosnso alpha moment while saying a melancholic goodbye to your family... crazy
What.... what is he doing
Luffy's fake ass laughing and saying how usopp will do great on his own.... I am seeing you cold sweat
This shit has always been so funny to me.... luffy definitely suffers from nepotism
Usopp asking if they don't know he's sniper king skdbjs no, they (luffy) don't know akdjaons
Look at these wet little beasts omg. Matching icons akdhaksjks
DADAN MENTION????? IN THE ACE VS BLACKBEARD CHAPTER????? AAAAAAAAHHHHH
Face card and pose unmatched as of yet. Look at the evidence.
I am killing myself now. Goodbye.
But I'm already dead!! Yohohoho... Anyways water seven and enies lobby is done.... I am scared (thriller bark) of what is coming you have no idea. Also!! Luffy nearly dying after hia battle with lucci starts the domino effect of luffy being barely strong enough to save everyone until it climaxes in sabaody and then culminates in marineford which is crazy to me btw. Luffy's evolution until then is about how no matter how strong he is it would never be enough. Insane. I don't know what else to say. I love you robin and franky. ACE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. nvm it's too late already. AAAAAHHHHHH
#kokoro teling robin how he didnt believe luffy at first but now he does and robon just laughing... thats a luffy believer now#zoro just saying to luffy to beat lucci and then fucking off with his head down is so good HE IS SO REPRESSED he is so scared deep down IK#why is the guy who rots swords so sultry... with that mouth covering.... so mysterious.... this is a metaphor for zoros swords as homosexua#usopp unmasked and i am crying again... reading the manga has made me cry more than the anime I AM SURE!! it is witchcraft#usopp just telling luffy to stop lying there like a dead man bc its not like him...THE FACT THAT IT IS TRUE AND THAT IF HE DOESNT GET UP#HE WILL LOSE EVERYTHING AND NOT JUST HIS LIFE. BECAUSE IF LUFFY IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH HE LOSES EVERYTHING. SICK AND TWISTED#franky and zoro are so inch resting bc they are both so masculine but zoro represses his feelings a lot and franky does the opposite...#luffy being so scared about not being able to move... when i first saw this i was SO WORRIED like wdym you cant move were all dying (me too#i knew what was going to happen woth the merry but damn didnt that first time hit... after all the anguish with luffy being immobilized#usopp not getting a reaction panel when luffy begs iceburg to fix the merry.... criminal#the volume starts with garp saying who luffys father is and ends with ace fighting blackbeard.... christ#garp knowing luffy met his father means dragon told him?? or did smoker know who luffy and dragon were??? also luffy looks so cute this ep#luffy apologising to merry... i thought i could resist.... luffy crying got to me but omg the volume 45 cover.... ACEEEEE!!! ACE GO BAAACK!#luffy asking robin what is going on with his father because she knows about current affairs :))) the first of many#nami wiretapping luffys conversation with koby is so smart she knew luffy would find out something but would say fuck all bc he doesn't car#WHITEBEARD GOT HIS SCARS FROM THE SAME GUY WHO SCARRED SHANKS??? ✍️✍️#There is so much omg. The buggy past mention. Shanks coming from the west blue and his duel with mihawk...#Whitebeard saying “If you don't have any regrets then that's fine” you know who didn't want to die having any regrets? 🥺🥺🥺#OH IT WAS BLACKBEARD??? WHY DID HE FIGHT HIM??? THE THREE LINES!!!#Whitebeard saying vengeance is what he wants when he tried to stop ace....#not even defending him just proclaiming ace's wishes as his own... I can't....#Ace saying blackbeard's sniper has no manners.... the lore. Also ace just looks so good all the time...#I'm scrolling up and down just seeing him over again afjakdhsk (<- the madness begins)#Luffy having a zoan fruit that looks like a paramecia now scares me because balckbeards logia functions like a paramecia.#Is something weird going on with his one too??? Is his a zoan too??#anyways water 7 enies lobby over. i survived. i cried i wept i feared for ace's life. truly has it all#now to have some fun adventures until Zoro gets consumed by luffy's pain and nearly dies and luffy learns ace's life is in danger!!!! CHRIS#AND THEN ANOTHER FUN SLAVERY STORY!!! WITH MERMAIDS!!! AND KUMA AGAIN!!! GOD!!!! IT IS SO BAD FOR ME NOW#reading one piece#enies lobby
1 note
·
View note