#and i still find so endearing the fact that Logan loves fishing

[imerian]

Made this keychain while i was sad for Logan after the race. I'm so happy with the result and also i think doodles and references come out good ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

I put more pics under cut if you want to see!!!

There some photos without any drawings plus just doodles bc it's easy to miss something with how much I going on there 😭

Also i finally have plase to rumble about every little detail (tags)

[peggyrose19]

Amnesia

Hehe. You knew it was coming :) I have no regrets. More Harvard FinnLo angst. This is not an amnesia fic, as the title may suggest, but rather a song fic based off Amnesia by 5SOS. Companion fic to Bablyon, which you can read here if you’d like. Characters as always by @lumosinlove <3

Also, I tried so hard to proofread this and it just did not work. So... oops?

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted

When he felt particularly self-deprecating, Logan would drive. It didn’t happen often, but sometimes the night became too dark and the house became too bright and he needed to get away from it all. Sometimes remembering Finn hurt too much. 

He would drive in circles, no real direction, just burning time and miles. His mind would take him unwittingly to all the places he associated with Logan, as if reminding him of all he used to have. The coffee shop they frequented each morning. The pizza place two doors down they always went to Fridays after practice. The library they always ended up at whenever Finn had a test. The bar they frequented with the team after a win. The rink they spent most of their days. 

Logan would drive by every place that broke his heart and wonder where they had gone wrong. Wonder if they had just talked, if they had stopped for one moment, if Finn would still be his. Wonder if he ever truly had him. 

When he really felt bad for himself, Logan would head to the frat house where they had kissed for the first time. It had unlocked something in him, feeling Finn’s lips against his. All night he had watched girls touching Finn and kissing him, wanting him for nothing more than his body. And Logan suddenly couldn’t stand it anymore.

Those nights he would go home with tears in his eyes to find their dorm room exactly the way Finn left it. His stuff was gone, and so was he, but his presence remained. On those nights Logan would get in his bed and cry, remembering their last kiss the night before Finn left him, curled in this tiny twin bed together, Finn begging for his forgiveness.

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all 

“Hey, Fish,” Logan’s voice came through the phone. He sounded normal. It hit Finn like a truck.

“Hey.” Finn swallowed hard, throat tight. He and Logan had only talked a few times in the month since he’d left for Gryffindor. With so many practices, he had little time to himself these days. 

“How’s the team?” Logan always asked that, these days. Finn was getting kind of sick of the question. He didn’t say that though.

“Good. They’re good. It’s all… it’s all good.” It wasn’t but Logan didn’t need to know that.

Finn could hear his smile as Logan said, “I’m happy for you.” He wanted to scream. He wanted to shake Logan, get him to stop sounding so happy and chipper all the time, get rid of that stupid endearing accent, thicker since he’d gotten home for the summer. 

It felt sometimes like nothing had ever happened between them. Sometimes Finn wondered if he’d just dreamed it, Logan’s lips against his, their bodies pressed together, the emotions swelling in his heart. He wondered if they’d ever meant anything at all. Hearing Logan sound so normal was just the final nail in the coffin. 

“Hey, Lo, I gotta go,” Finn said, interrupting the story Logan was telling him about an old teammate. He wasn’t sure he could sit here anymore and pretend everything was fine. “My uh, my mom’s calling. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Oh.” He sounded surprised. “Yeah, okay. Say hi for me.”

“I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line clicked and went dead. Finn put his phone down and cried.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving

I remember the make-up running down your face

And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them

Like every single wish we ever made 

Logan could see it clearly when he closed his eyes. He could hear the silence closing in around him, the shakiness in Finn’s voice, the ringing of a cell phone. He saw it all in reverse, standing in the middle of their old dorm room. 

“What-” Finn’s voice was shaking as he hung up the phone. Logan watched him, curiosity and dread fighting in his mind.

“Who was that?” Logan asked, fighting to keep his voice steady.

Finn swallowed hard. “I’ve been drafted to the Gryffindor Lions.”

“Holy shit. Holy shit. Finn, that’s incredible!” Logan launched himself at his best friend, pulling him into a hug. 

“Yeah, I can’t… I can’t really believe it.” He let out a laugh. “I mean… me? Playing pro? Can you imagine?”

“Of course I can. Fish. You’re gonna do amazing, I know it.”

“It means I’m leaving.” 

The elation drained from the room. 

“Well… not for a little while, right?” Logan asked hesitantly.

Finn shrugged. “Pretty soon.”  

“Finn, I-” Logan opened his mouth, searching for the right words. But he found nothing. There was nothing left to say. 

Something painful twisted in Logan’s chest as he watched Finn pull away. It was too soon, far too soon. 

“Lo.” The familiar voice shook him from his thoughts. He looked up at Finn, who was staring at him with sad eyes. 

He sighed, “Finn, don’t look at me like that.”

“I don’t-” he shook his head. “Please be happy for me?”

“Fuck, Harz, of course I’m happy for you. You’re in the NHL now. It’s what we’ve always dreamed about, remember? Going pro? It just also means you’re leaving.”

“Logan…” He looked up at Finn again and there were tears in his brown eyes.

“Finn, don’t-” Logan stopped, squeezed his eyes shut, opened them again. Finn was still looking at him. “C’mere,” he muttered, and hugged Finn again. Despite the height difference, Finn buried his face in Logan’s shoulder, holding him tight. 

Logan remembered all the times Finn had held him, after a win on the ice, late nights out when he got drunk and couldn’t walk straight, early mornings getting coffee before either was fully awake. He remembered all the dreams Finn had whispered into his ear when they’d climb up to the roof after everyone was asleep, about going pro, meeting their idols. About one day writing a book, maybe on hockey, a true literature nerd to his core. And once, when Finn was drunk and exhausted, a future of them, together. 

It seemed Finn’s dream was coming true.

One of them at least.

They never talked about those nights after. It left Logan to his skewed memories of Finn’s words, his delirious confessions to the stars. All those dreams he shared that he never seemed to remember. It was like Finn didn’t need them anymore, didn’t need him. He was a thing of the past, a part of a bigger story. They still talked, sure. But it was different. Finn wasn’t there anymore. And there was no breaching that gap. 

So Logan kept the memories and the promises to himself. He went to class, he did his homework, he talked to friends. He worked hard at practice and he called Finn and he buried deep the yearning in his heart. And he pretended it didn’t cut him to the bone.

 The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone

I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone

Finn’s home screen was a picture Logan had taken, that Finn didn’t have the heart to change, no matter how much it hurt anytime he looked at it. It was of the two of them, one morning after practice, cheeks flushed and smiles wide. Finn couldn’t remember now why they’d taken the picture, just the hours he’d spent staring at it, Logan’s smile and bright eyes and mussed up hair. 

He kept hoping he’d feel better the longer he looked at it, as if it would bring Logan back to his side. It never worked, in fact it did the opposite. All it did was widen the yawning cavern in his chest. He just felt alone, staring at their smiles. And he was alone. He was all alone in a different city and a foreign hotel room and a new team. 

So Finn looked at pictures of the two of them, of when his world still had stability, and ignored the pain they brought. He pushed it down, the loneliness and regret. Pretended he wasn’t missing Logan like crazy, like it wasn’t a bullet to his heart each time. 

He wanted Logan back.

 It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

Finn seemed fine. He sounded tired, perhaps a little lonely, but overall fine. So why did Logan feel like such a mess? Why did he struggle to get up in the morning, the bags under his eyes growing darker as he fought back tears anytime he was reminded of Finn. Why did it feel like nothing had ever happened at all? 

As the call connected, Logan took a breath. He knew Finn didn’t have a lot of time, knew he would have to go soon. He pretended to himself his call wasn’t timed on purpose.

“Hey Fish,” he said as brightly as he could manage. Finn replied, voice steady. Logan didn’t know what to say after that, wasn’t sure what you asked the boy you were crushing on when he was hundreds of miles away. 

It hurt, knowing seemed so okay after everything. He wasn’t sure what was true and what was a lie anymore. He could still remember Finn’s choked-off breaths that first conversation after he’d left. Logan had pretended he couldn’t hear Finn’s cries, pretended everything was fine. He hadn’t known what else to say.

Maybe neither of them was fine.  

“Hey, Lo, I gotta go,” Finn said, breaking through Logan’s thoughts. He had been talking, although now he wasn’t sure what he’d been saying. 

Logan said goodbye quietly, Finn’s voice still ringing in his ears as he hung up the phone. Oh how he wished the pain would fade. 

 If today I woke up with you right beside me

Like all of this was just some twisted dream

I'd hold you closer than I ever did before

And you'd never slip away

Logan hadn’t realized all he’d had until suddenly Finn was gone from his side. He didn’t realize how much he loved him until he was no longer by his side, making him laugh and leveling him out. He missed him. He loved him.

And he wished he hadn’t wasted it all out of fear. He wished he’d had the courage to realize what he wanted, to reach out and grab it. He wished Finn would come back. He wished he could just wake up and Finn would be by his side once more. 

Except he wasn’t sure what he’d do when he saw Finn again. Pretend nothing between them had happened, nothing had changed? Or would he hold him close and whisper in his ear all the words he’d never said before. He wanted him close, he knew that. Wanted it so bad he didn’t know what to do with himself. But he knew, he knew no matter what happened, he would never let Finn slip away. 

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia

And forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you

And the memories I never can escape

Finn slumped onto the couch of his hotel room, feeling the loneliness creeping in again now that he was alone. It was just him these days, the homesickness finding him each night, the newness wearing off now three months in. Some days he wished he would wake up and he’d be back at Harvard, the familiar sounds of the city and the frat house surrounding him, Logan lying in the bed beside him. 

Finn grabbed for his phone, finding in between the cushions, and unlocked it. A moment later he hadn’t moved, staring unseeingly at the bright screen. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d been looking for in the first place. 

His home screen was a picture Logan had taken, that Finn didn’t have the heart to change, no matter how much it hurt anytime he looked at it. It was of the two of them, one morning after practice, cheeks flushed and smiles wide. Finn couldn’t remember now why they’d taken the picture, just the hours he’d spent staring at it, Logan’s smile and bright eyes and mussed up hair.

Logan. 

At the heart of everything lay Logan. A constant presence in Finn’s mind, always there, always hovering at the edge of his thoughts. He never left, not really. Every little thing Finn did Logan somehow crept in. Every memory, every store, every play on the ice was tainted with Logan, unavoidable no matter how hard Finn tried. Even lying in bed at night, he could remember his last morning in Boston, pressed against Logan as he fought tears in the early-morning heat. 

Some days Finn wished he could go back there. Go back to the late nights and early mornings, hard practices and too-sweet coffee, his best friend by his side. He wanted to go back and tell Logan, tell him how he felt. Tell him that he wanted him, damn the consequences, damn the pain. He was already in pain. He was tired of it. He wanted him. 

Some days Finn wished he didn’t remember him at all

 I'm not fine at all

No, I'm really not fine at all

Tell me this is just a dream

'Cause I'm really not fine at all

[dukeofonions]

Season Two Episode Ranking

Warning: I get very, very, very, critical in this ranking. Like, angry ranting that’s almost laughable. Should I be getting this worked up over an online series? Eh, probably not. But this is my life and I’ll get outrageously angry over whatever media I want. 

Seriously though, this is all just my personal opinion. I’m not saying you have to agree with me and if you like the episodes that I don’t then that’s perfectly fine. 

I tend to overthink things a lot and I spend most of my time analyzing every little details of this series because what else am I supposed to do at work?

So yeah, this ranking is definitely less positive than the one I did for the first season. But I hope y’all can still have some fun going over it! And if anyone does their own rankings be sure to tag me because I’d love to see them and see how mine compare! 

Anyways, enough of me acting like this is more important than it is, on with the ranking! 

I can’t believe season two only has 12 episodes. Now I went ahead and counted Moving On as one episode in this ranking since my opinions on both parts are pretty similar, but sweet cheese and fish this season started on September 1st, 2017 with Fitting in and right now is left on Putting Others First which came out on May 1st, 2020. And as of me writing this it is now May 2nd, 2021. It’s been a whole year since the last episode and we still have no idea when the finale is coming. 

Like, bruh. 

Also remember how the longest episode in season one was only about 15 minutes long and the shortest one was barely four minutes? 

Well the shortest episode in season two is Crofters- The Musical which is 8:42 seconds. The longest episode is Putting Others First which is a whopping 51:09.

And I wish I could say that the writing was on the same level it was in the first season, but there’s a reason I put that warning up there. 

Well, enough stalling, let’s get this ball rolling.

#11 Embarrassing Phases

There are no words in the English language that can describe the sheer amount of hatred I have for this episode. If I could rank this any lower, I would, which will happen once we finally get the season finale. I don't know how that episode will go but it'll definitely be better than whatever dumpster fire this was.

Like, okay. I have some positives. Roman, Patton, and Virgil's costumes were cool. I won't lie I live for vampire Virgil. And the message about embracing your past "phases" and exploring how they helped made you who you are. That's neat. I like that.

And that's it.

My biggest gripe with this episode is Virgil. He just acts like a complete bitch in this! And I don't mean that in an endearing way he's literally so mean for no reason!

He's all "You guys are trivializing my past!"

In response to them going "Hey Virgil, we're glad you're part of our group now and are proud of how far you've come!"

Like okay, even if it was insensitive to call it a "phase" literally there was no reason for him to get as angry as he did.

Just a simple; "Hey, I don't like it when you refer to what I went through as a phase because it feels like you're not talking it seriously."

Isnt that what this whole show is about? Communication???

It wasn't fun watching him just insulting the others, it was annoying!

Like poor Patton, just trying to help and be encouraging, only for Virgil to keep treating him like dirt.

What did I miss here? Virgil was fine in the last few episodes, so what the heck happened?

Oh and let's not forget the great advice Thomas offers Patton at the end of the episode in regards to handling Virgil: "Don't do anything to get on his bad side or else he'll do bad things to you!"

Okay I'm paraphrasing here but that's basically what he says! And since Virgil is supposed to be a representation of anxiety, this is a horrible message!!!

What happened to finding healthy ways to cope with your anxiety? What happened to keeping it in check so it didn't take over your life?

Yeah I'm definitely gonna make a full post about this one episode later because there's a whole lot more to unpack here. But yeah -10/10

#10 Putting Others First

There is just way too much going on with this episode. They try cramming so much in here that I don't even remember more than half of it.

I remember the opening song, then the Lilypadton fight and everything that happens from there. That's it.

And those are the best parts of this episode, but even that has problems because everything with Janus feels like a completely different episode.

Also the whole way they try to teach about morality is all over the place. How did we go from choosing a wedding over a callback to deciding whether or not you would die for your friends to self care is important?

And while the video game sequences, while utilized well in some places, were way too distracting and it felt like they were just trying to shove as many video game references in as they could.

You could take out just about all of them and the episode wouldn't change. Everything they were used for could have been done just through having the characters talk to each other, and knowing this makes the fact that this video was delayed for so long because of it just makes the whole thing worse.

Like the animations were well done, and I don't want to downplay the hard work the animator did. They were just doing their job after all.

But the trolley scenes (especially the second one) hurt my eyes with all the flashing (would have been nice to have some kind of warning for that) and some of the voice effects (especially on Logan's) were grating and distracting.

I want to rank this episode higher, but it has almost zero rewatch ability and honestly besides the ending, when I first watched this episode I was just kinda let down.

#9 Crofters- The Musical

Okay look, the song is a bop and I adore the fact that Logan and Roman got two episodes in the spotlight, but it's just kinda "meh" to me. Plus I get just a tinge of second hand embarrassment but that's just me.

And I know this is kinda unfair but another reason why this one isn't higher is because of a couple of things. One is that they set up some angst for Roman, he's clearly not doing well and Thomas thinks the best thing to do is tell him that he might get his own jam flavor.

Then he does, and instead of following up on that little plot point from this video, they just rushed out a commercial and completely ignored and potential story telling or character development for Roman.

So yeah "Return of the Jam" is the main reason why I don't like this one as much as I used to. And I actually just got an idea for a new post comparing these two so add that to my to-do list.

#8 Fitting In

I actually skipped this one during my first official watch through for one reason and one reason alone: I wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter.

But I realized that my parents wouldn't approve of me of watching a gay man's content either so I just said screw it.

And luckily I understood enough Harry Potter references to get what they were talking about and honestly, this episode is a lot of fun.

It's a good follow up to Accepting Anxiety, and a nice way to kick off season two. Virgil is finding his place among the group and everyone is trying their best to make him feel welcome, it's really sweet.

And of course we get the new costumes (which i hadn't even noticed that they were wearing their old costumes at first) and I dunno it just gives off season one vibes and it makes me happy.

#7 Moving On Part One/Moving On Part Two

Yeah honestly my thoughts on both parts of this episode are the same. What can I say? It's really good.

This definitely one of the more emotionally heavy episodes in the series, and we see the characters at their lowest for really, the first time in this series.

I adore Patton's room and how each side gets their own corners. All the little details they add in, including the changing picture in the background, it really gives off that nostalgia feel they were going for.

What I love most about this episode is how (unlike some other episodes) they actually let the emotional moments sink in and don't throw in a joke immediately after. Like the ending is bittersweet, sad almost, and I love that they stuck with the mood up until the episode ended.

Not to say there weren't some jokes here and there (mostly in the first part) but once the mood shifts and things become more serious they let that mood stay. And when there are jokes they all work really well.

This is one episode I've actually watched the least out of season two, so it'll be interesting when I go watch it again to see if any of this holds up.

#6 Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?

Honestly I only put this one above Moving On because Logan and Roman are my favorites.

This episode is actually one of the weaker ones, which hurts to say because again, favorite characters, but goodness it's all over the place. It feels like a precursor to POF and not in a good way.

Logan and Roman just basically argue back and forth throughout the whole episode, never seeing eye to eye with each other, to the point where I think think the writers realized they couldn't find a way to get these two to agree so they just had Thomas step in and be like, "You guys make a really good team!"

Dude, were you even paying attention? They never even reached a conclusion on their own. And even though they have their little moment at the end, it's all kinda ruined when nothing in their relationship changes.

Yes, in Learning New Things About Ourselves, they acknowledge that there's more work to be done in regards to them, which makes sense. People aren't going to suddenly change overnight.

Yet despite having come to some kind of understanding with each other twice now (both here and LNTAO) in the following episodes they still act like they hate each other! Heck Roman is downright nasty to him for seemingly no reason and I don't really blame him for it.

More like I think the writers just don't know how to develop their relationship and just aren't as interested in them as the others. Logan's been reduced to being Mr. Exposition and apparently Roman's personal issues aren't enough for him to carry a room episode on his own because they felt the need to introduce two new characters before he finally gets it.

Sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the episode.

There's some funny bits here and there and the little animations are cute (even if unnecessary) but really it's only saving grace is being Roman and Logan centered.

Even though they felt the need to include a cameo from literally every other character because apparently no one has any faith that Logan and Roman can carry an episode on their own.

#5 The Sanders Sides 12 Days of Christmas

This episode is just pure fun. Look, I'm not a big fan of Christmas, even less of a fan of Christmas songs, but my gosh this episode almost makes me appreciate the season.

The way they're all just bickering the whole time, being very confused, and how there's just so much personality from each character even when they're not talking/singing and just being in the background is *chef's kiss* perfect.

There's so many fun little details to pick out during the song and it's fun to go back and watch how each side reacts to different things.

#4 Selfishness vs Selflessness

Gonna be real, this used to be my favorite episode. Until my overly critical brain started finding all kinds of problems in the writing department but I think I’ve been negative enough on this post so I’ll save it for another time. 

Janus steals the show in this one, it’s his first official appearance since his debut and he just soaks up the spotlight. It’s refreshing to have an antagonist in the show again, and he’s the perfect foil for each of the original Sides. 

He knows how to play into Roman’s insecurities, know how to feed into his ego and get him on his side. He’s in direct opposition to Patton, who believes that everything Janus represents is wrong. He’s able to silence Logan and take him out of the conversation, speaking over him most of the time. 

And I guess he and Virgil have some beef I dunno. 

The courtroom scenario is fun, and I love how Janus is the only one who sees how ridiculous it is (even though it was your idea in the first place, Jan) and everyone else seeing it as perfectly normal is hilarious. 

I do like some of the more dramatic moments in this episode, especially that final bit with Janus questioning Thomas until he finally gets him to admit the truth. It was intense and reminded me of the scene where Janus confronts Roman in a similar manner. 

While far from perfect this is still a good episode and I can find a lot to love about it, like Janus in a suit. 

#3 Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts

This episode scared the shit out of me and I loved it.

Okay it didn’t actually scare me. But I stayed up to wait for it to be posted, which wasn’t until 2 or 3 in the morning. So by the time I finally watched it I was half awake and not expecting anything that I witnessed. 

The result was me being terrified of Thomas with a mustache and it prevented me from sleeping. I was over it the next day though and had Forbidden Fruit stuck in my head all day. Which isn’t good when you’re running the register at work and you can’t stop singing it. 

There’s a lot of reason why I love this episode, Remus being the primary thing. His entrance is iconic, the first few notes from his theme play as he creeps up behind the TV, him smiling at Roman all creepily until he whacks him over the head and knocks him out for most of the episode. 

Then we get the song, Forbidden Fruit, which is just great. Slight secondhand embarrassment but seeing the finished product and all they put into it, I can’t help but love it. 

Still miffed that Janus hasn’t gotten a song... specifically a villain song... I won’t ever let that go...

Logan is another highlight in this episode (no surprise) and seeing him go head-to-head against his polar opposite without batting an eye was interesting since I was kinda expecting them to show Logan having trouble dealing with Remus but nope. He handled it like a champ and I love them both. 

Now I am kinda wary as to how they’re going to handle Remus in the future, especially with the intrusive thoughts aspect. It’s a sensitive topic and they’re already screwing up anxiety. But Remus has only been in one episode so far which means I can’t make any solid judgments until he’s appeared in more episodes, so I’ll have to wait and see. 

All in all, great episode! Definitely deserves to be in my top three. 

#2 Learning New Things About Ourselves

This episode made me feel so nostalgic. I freaking love puppets and grew up with Sesame Street and the Muppets, so I’m probably biased towards this episode but to me this is really one of the better written episodes. 

Perfect? Heck no. But really, really good. 

I love that we get to explore a bit more with Logan and Roman’s characters, in a lot of ways this is kind of a Logan episode which has him standing against the other Sides, and it’s really interesting to see just how different he is compared to the three of them and it could just be me but it seemed like he’s becoming more of an outsider and isn’t as close with the original four as he used to be, and this episode is what really kicks that idea off. 

I can also relate to the “Well that’s nice but what do you do for a living?” message, except in my case it’s more like I want to quit my “real job” to pursue what I’m passionate about while people tell me it’ll probably never happen or “Yeah that’s a nice hobby!” So this episode really struck close to home and I just have a lot of sentimental feelings towards this one. 

I love all of the designs for the puppets, they all just fit perfectly and I wouldn’t mind seeing them make a comeback one day. I know that’d be difficult since they’d need a professional to puppet them but hey, one can dream right?

And oh my gosh the song, it just gives off the same feel from Sesame Street and Muppet songs with it’s jazzy feel. And I won’t lie I flipped my lid when Logan and Thomas were in the same shot together. We hadn’t seen any of the Sides share the screen with Thomas yet and the fact that it was Logan, and he was arguing with Thomas and they were singing over each other? Ah I love it!

Also don’t get me started on how Logan’s bit in the song sounds more villainous than the others. I’m not saying anything just a neat little observation. 

I have a lot of happy feelings attached to this episode, so despite the few problems I have with it I could never bring myself to hate it. The only one that tops it is...

#1 Can Lying Be Good?

The episode that started it all. The one that caught my attention and sparked my new fixation on this little series that I had just glossed over before.

I really don’t know what prompted me to watch this episode, other than I wasn’t in the best place and it just happened to pop into my recommendations one day and I figured, “Huh, haven’t watched this guy for awhile. Let’s see what he’s been up to.”

Once the episode was finished my first thought was “Holy shit when did this series start having lore?!”

This episode is probably the closest thing to perfect out of all the season two episodes so far. The writing is clever, pretty much all of the jokes land, and oh my gosh the editing in this one is phenomenal. 

The way they show Roman shifting between himself and Joan throughout the episode is what sticks out the most. Having Roman’s voice coming from Joan, or having them briefly change back to Roman, I love it so much. 

Not to mention Thomas’s ever changing shirt that reflects what he’s thinking/feeling is a neat little detail.

Did I mention this episode is hilarious? The ridiculousness of each scenario that they act out, with all the little inputs from Logan and Virgil who are both trying their best to do their jobs besides not even wanting to be part of it in the first place is adorable. 

And of course, the man of the hour, Deceit. Or Janus as we now know him as. 

Is it weird that I like Deceit more as a name? Probably, but that’s just because I don’t like how early his name was revealed. 

Okay that was my last negative comment. Promise.

Now since I hadn’t watched Sanders Sides in a while I didn’t notice anything off about “Patton” during my first watch. But going back after seeing the rest of the series helped me catch all the little hints they added to clue in the audience that something wasn’t right. 

A lot of it is really subtle, mostly in the acting department, but once you’ve caught on to everything it makes you wonder how you didn’t notice the first time. You can even see Logan and Virgil throughout the episode, knowing that something is off with “Patton” but holding back their concerns until Virgil finally calls Deceit out. 

I’ve rewatched Deceit’s reveal so many times. When he finally drops the act after Thomas makes up his mind not to lie, you can just tell he no longer cares whether Thomas knows or not. Then things get even more tense when Logan is silenced, and everyone knows what’s going on except Thomas. 

The music starts to build up, Thomas is flipping out, then after Deceit taunts him again he finally demands to know what’s going on and BAM there he is!

I love everything about this. 

Like, what else can I say? This episode is brilliant. It really shows exactly what this team is capable of when they’re at their best. The pacing, the build up, the writing, all of it combined together to make the perfect episode.

Season Two has been, interesting. The long waits have caused some problems with the pacing and characters, not to mention the departure of Joan from the writing team with new writers entering the room, not to mention the first welcome now unwelcome arrival of Asides, and with only the season finale left before season three, it makes me wonder just where this series is headed.

I know this series is capable of doing incredible things, season one is still solid and it really holds up even after all this time. But season two just feels like a jumbled mess. Sure, it’s easy to enjoy the episodes individually, but once you try to fit them all together it’s like trying to jam a puzzle piece into a place where it doesn’t fit. 

The best way to describe this season is as an experimental season. Each episode has the team trying something new, sometimes it seems these gimmicks take precedence over the story itself. Of course, some of these can work to the episode’s advantage, while others are just distracting and you’d know you wouldn’t miss them if they were gone. 

It’s a mixed bag that’s for sure. One that has me watching in morbid curiosity as I wait to see whether it’ll crash in the end or blow my expectations out of the water. It really is fun to analyze these episodes, and yes I know I can be very harsh but believe it or not this is how I engage with media that I love.

My hope is that team will learn from season two and try to take a more simple approach with their production once season three roles around. Because if they continue at the same pace they are now I doubt there will be many people around to see this series through. 

And on that note, that was my ranking of season two! I’m actually kinda excited now to go back and rewatch everything, I hope I don’t have to wait much longer to do so but that all depends on when the season two finale comes. Whether it ends up exceeding my expectations or just being “meh” I know it’ll be interesting regardless and I can’t wait to see just how they plan on wrapping this all up before the final season arrives. 

[thelillykane]

26

A/N: Okay, so, I was innocently sitting on my couch living my life when I got hit with the strongest desire to write something femme!logan which is weird because while femme!logan was a bit of craze back in the day and I read some of the material and thought yeah, that’s nice writing the idea just never connected with me because I think a lot of the importance and endearment of Logan’s character is directly tied into the fact that he’s a male anyway blahblahblah all this to say I’m writing a femme!logan thing and yeah it is going to be sad. But really the idea that Aaron has two daughters but is only abusive to the one just had to be written, so. Also!! they’re like 14/15 or 15/16 in this. (also parts of this are a little in conjunction with this) 

A/N 2: The line for this one doesn’t really have any significance to the plot even though if I tried hard enough it could totally be a mystery Veronica solves or whatever but that’s not the point of this so 

1. “Your dad’s really cool,” Veronica says out of the blue while they’re all hanging out by the Kane pool. 

Duncan – because he’s a coward and he hates it when the girls fight –immediately climbs back into the water and begins doing a lap in the opposite direction. 

“I thought you were past wanting to suck Aaron Echolls’ dick,” Lilly giggles, fishing a strawberry out of her empty glass. 

“Lilly! Don’t be gross!” Veronica admonishes, swiping at Lilly’s leg. “I just mean not a lot of parents would be totally okay with their kid being a lesbian, especially since Bush is president and don’t ask don’t tell is still a thing.” 

Logan’s eyebrows are somewhere near her hairline, but Veronica is speaking so earnestly and Lilly’s eyeing her like one wrong breath and they’ll spend the rest of the day fighting, so Logan forces herself to relax, takes a sip of Sangria and shrugs. 

“Yeah,” She agrees, fake cheerful with a big, sickening all-teeth grin plastered on her face. “I got lucky.” 

2. Veronica slips up a lot, uses the term “lesbian” instead of “bisexual”, but Lilly pinches Logan hard in the side whenever she tries to take Ronnie’s head off over it, and Veronica is always so apologetic afterwards and uncomfortable a bit maybe too, so now Logan just bites her tongue until she can taste blood whenever it happens, which is only three or four times a week. (Veronica says lesbian out loud more than is necessary, trying to prove how totally cool she is, how she’s easy-going-Veronica-Mars and her two friends finger fucking doesn’t bother her. She doesn’t even notice she’s overcompensating, and Logan hasn’t decided if that’s worse). 

Her dad, though. Her dad uses “lesbian” instead of “bisexual” on purpose. Dares Logan to speak up. Aaron doesn’t think bisexuality exists. Told Logan as much after Trina – the fucking bitch – outed her. 

Logan had been eleven at the time. She remembers it vividly, Aaron yanking her up the arm and dragging her into the study, wrenching her shoulder out of her socket in the process. Of course, nothing good ever happened between them in the study, and when it was over – when Logan’s back was only welts and shredded skin, and her legs had given out and she was on her knees crying, shaking, furious – Aaron choose for her. 

“My daughter likes girls,” He’d said aloud, testing the sentence on his tongue. “’My first daughter likes boys and my second daughter likes girls and that’s not a problem in my family. We shouldn’t dictate who people love.’ Yeah, that sounds good. I think I can sell that.” 

“I like both,” Logan sobbed, even though she knew it was pointless, even though she knew she’d already forfeited this part of her.  

Aaron crouched near her head, ran his hand through the mass of Logan’s dark hair like he used to when she was really little and she got sick. The belt was still dangling out of his other hand, shiny and slippery with Logan’s blood. 

“You’re pushing it,” Aaron said simply. “I’m displaying great patience and understanding right now and you oughta be grateful. When some kids pull this shit their parents toss them out into the street like garbage.” 

Aaron kissed the top of her head and then shoved her sprawling onto the floor, rising to his full height above her. 

“You like girls,” He tossed his head back and laughed. “I can make that work.” 

// 

The week before they moved out to Neptune, Aaron did a live interview about it, talked about how no age is too young to know who you’re attracted to, how he’s been totally supportive of the news, how he’s so proud to have a close, loving relationship with his daughters that they trust him with stuff like this. 

He makes Logan come on stage for the last few minutes, sit next to him and smile and spew some bullshit about how much closer her and her dad are now. 

In the last few seconds, the interviewer, maybe to make sure, or because it’ll be good representation to actually have Logan own her sexuality on live TV, turns and says: “Wow, so you’re really a lesbian?” 

“Yeah,” she smiles, her eyes burning with tears. “I’m really a lesbian.” 

The camera fades to black as Aaron hugs her, crowing, “That’s my girl!” 

In Neptune, she’s only clarified being a bisexual to Lilly and Veronica (since Duncan already knows the truth of what happened), but she finds herself saying the word less and less nowadays. Lilly knows, Lilly gets it, but Veronica scrunches her face a bit whenever she clarifies and Logan knows Ronnie’s thinking of that interview– the one that made Logan want to crawl back into the closet. 

3. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.” She hears the TV say, and she’s really, truly, going to start screaming if this turns into another day of listening to Veronica hero-worship her dad. Especially if it’s in the form of watching one of his worst acted films, some frothy spy thing where Aaron only ever spoke in hushed, hurried stage whispers and shot people. 

“Ronnie, I’m turning the TV off,” Logan calls upstairs. “You can thank me later when your brain doesn’t melt from watching this fucking piece of shit movie.” 

To the left of her someone clears their throat and Logan wants her Dad’s character from the movie to crawl out of the screen and shoot her because of course Keith Mars is home and heard her drop the F-bomb. 

“Logan,” Keith greets steadily, eyeing her in his usual manner– like she’s a rabid dog only one fever away from tearing somebody’s throat out. 

Logan half-waves nervously in return, wishes she was wearing a long-sleeved shirt she could try and drown in, wishing Lilly had come inside with her so she could feel brave and a little invincible. 

Keith glances upstairs, makes sure Veronica isn’t about to come down soon, and lowers his voice just in case it carries. 

“There will not be any illegal activity while on this outing. You will not drink, or drive, or speed if you end up behind the wheel and you will not end up behind the wheel because you don’t have your permit and no, driving golf carts around is not the same as driving a vehicle,” Keith pauses, expecting an argument, even though it had been Lilly who said golf carts and cars were the same thing last year, not Logan. “Veronica will make her curfew on time and when I interrogate her later she will not lie to my face in an attempt to cover up for you. Or Lilly.” 

He tacks on “Or Lilly” like an afterthought because Keith Mars doesn’t perceive Lilly as the danger. Logan thinks the only constant in her life is that Keith Mars won’t like her no matter what she does. 

Fleetingly, she thinks Keith might be the only person –aside from Lilly, Duncan even if DK never says it aloud– who wouldn’t totally lose his mind upon hearing Logan call herself bisexual. He’d probably just accept it and then go right back to hating Logan and telling her not to copy off of his daughters homework anymore. 

“No promises,” Logan mutters back just because she can. 

4. They’re in Lilly’s bedroom, Lilly brushing out the tangles from the edges of Logan’s hair. 

“You’ve really got to stop chewing on your hair, babe. It’s gross and you have split ends everywhere.” 

Logan shrugs, hopes Lilly will massage her scalp when she’s done brushing because Lilly’s hands are like magic and Logan’s head is killing her. 

“At the mall today, when Dorkus kept saying ‘lesbian’ while we were modeling our bikinis for her, I totally thought at one point you were going to snap and kill her but you didn’t,” Lilly sets the brush aside, crawls so that she’s on-top of Logan’s lap, moving her hands to cradle Logan’s cheeks. “I know that’s really hard for you.” 

“I’m bisexual,” Logan spits out, her nails digging into her thighs. Saying the word makes her angry, makes her remember the world is trying to rob her of this, makes her remember how it took her back months to heal that time and how Trina got to roll her eyes and scoff and say she told Logan she had nothing to worry about.  

Lilly kisses her soft. Everything about Lilly is soft and fluid and vibrant and Logan wishes she could be like that, wishes she didn’t have any sharp, half-healed edges.   

“You’re bisexual,” Lilly soothes, parroting the words back. “You know it and I know it and nobody else matters, okay? Nobody else can touch us, not when we’re in here.” 

Logan wishes she could believe that. 

She pulls Lilly in for a kiss and tries to lose herself in it, tries to go back in time to before she told Trina, before Aaron knew, before her sexuality was another tool Aaron used to hurt her– tries to go back to being eleven and thinking that getting to kiss girls, love girls was going to be soft and delicate and taste like freedom. 

[mystomachfeelsawful]

4:10 PM

I can’t say a lot of things for lots of reasons.

TOP 5 (which I can talk about). In no order.

PLAYS

The Last Wife was my biggest surprise of the year. I went into it thinking I’d hate it, but was charmed by the pace of the script, the quick staging, the ensemble and pretty much everything about it.

Passing Strange made me actually appreciate a musical which I’ve long hated. 

Prince Hamlet made me get Hamlet for the first time. 

Fish Eyes Trilogy was a masterclass in BAM.

Superior Donuts had one of my favourite fights I’ve ever seen on a Toronto Stage. Corner Gas meets violence. So much heart and an incredible set.

BONUS CREDITS: Delirium, Pearle Harbour’s Chataqua, True North Mixtape, Less, Dolphin, 

FILMS

3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - Loved how you cared about every single character. 

Lady Bird - Coming of Age done right. So economic aside from a kind of extra ending.

Get Out - I’ve never seen Luke cry in a theatre before or an entire theatre cheer when a hero finally gets his justice. I’ve also never felt as relieved as I did when the ending came. So well thought out.

Baby Driver - Style for dayyys. Jamie Foxx, Eiza Gonzalez and John Hamm kill it.

The Disaster Artist - Made me sniffle a bit I loved how they didn’t go for the cheap laugh in making fun of Tommy Wiseau. You really get that he tried to make this movie in spite of his utter lack of ability.

Bonus Credits: It, The Florida Project, Ingrid Goes West, Coco, Shape of Water, Logan, Wonder Woman, A Silent Voice, Your Name

Games

Dragon Age Inquisition - I sunk 80 hours into this and still haven’t beaten it.My quinari mage will reign someday.

Persona 5(!) - Futaba’s social link is probably my favourite social link in all personas because it deals with anxiety, trauma and agoraphobia in a way that I dunno....just works for me. I also love how you’re actually an underdog in this one. Everyone hates you because you’re a criminal, so the bonds you form are actually REAL. Sure there’s a load of problematic stuff (which is IMO, more a problem with Japanese RPGs as a whole regarding the way they treat women and queer folk), and the villains are saturday morning cartoon characters, and the plot falls apart at the end, but I think the idea of a bunch of losers banding together will ALWAYS appeal to me. It’s the only Persona where i cared about the main story more than the social links. In fact, it’s also the only persona where I didn’t want to romance anyone because they seemed like real, cool, people.

Breath of the Wild (my first Zelda! - If Studio Ghibli and Skyrim had a baby. I loved how the story existed if you sought it out, but wasn’t there if you didn’t make an effort to find it. I loved Zelda’s character development. I loved how much PERSONALITY the world had and how sparse it was. I didn’t like the young female voice acting (why are they speaking in their headvoice). And that SCORE THOUGH.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mETAEJY_rk8 

Tales of Berseria - Combat was completely underwhelming and the backtracking sucked, but there was something so endearing about playing as antagonists that I really appreciated. Especially considering how in the first hour you burn half a bishonen’s face off. I also cried like a baby. Next to Abyss, one of the best Tales stories for me. Too bad the combat is broken and the world is boring af. If only they could have the world of Vesperia, the story of Abyss/Vesperia and the combat of Graces (which they almost did, but Velvet breaks the game), then we’d be set. Also, get Go Shiina back. Motoi needs a break.

Doki Doki Literature Club - Um. Yeah. I beat this 12 hours ago and can’t stop thinking about it. 2017′s undertale for me. I loved how not only it bent the game save file, but also fucked with the game files itself. One of the more interesting meta narratives I’ve come across. It also raises (though could be explored deeper) some of the problematic elements of moe visual novels, especially in that Monika seems to be unable to control how much she loves you due to her programming. Monika’s awareness that she’s in a game and her frustration toward her affection toward the player created some neat subtext in terms of female characters’ agency vs how they’re written. Super well thought out. 

Experiences 

2017 was a year of trust for me. Trusting myself, processes and knowing when to let things be. 

Silk Bath - continues to be an unexpected surprise. We nearly sold out our entire NSTF run and have a little residency through tarragon’s workspace program. I also think that we’re finally learning what the heart of the play is about and how to work together as a collective. 

Bathtub Girls/Weesageechak/Cahoots - I got my first pro dramaturgy gig this year and finally worked with artists who I’ve never met before. AHHH. Both experiences were illuminating in radically different ways. I think, if anything, working as a dramaturg has given me the ability to trust in other artists more. From the work with the foremen, to being in natural resources and now training as a dramaturg, I’d like to think I’m becoming a better collaborator and facilitator rather than dictator director. Madeleine Says Sorry this summer (an unexpected hit) had a very different directorial process because I feel I trusted the artists more than I usually do. I still have my usual rigor, but sometimes letting things happen and planting seeds is better than bluntly throwing someone down a corridor so to speak. 

Knife - continues to be developed at Factory. I’ve never been in development with a script this long, but it’s so informative to be in a process where a company is invested in it’s development first rather than rushing it to the stage. It’s been all sorts of challenging in ways where I feel I’ve almost got it, but then missed, or moments where I think I’ve blown it and it actually works. I think one of my biggest realizations from 2016 was that I can’t rush work out. And with Knife, I’m learning the benefits of taking my time, but also what a longer commitment feels like when the inside (does that sound gross). As it continues to shift and change, I’m excited to see where it goes. It’s good also knowing that someone has your back. I’m going into a workshop in April, but there’s still loads more work to do, which is both daunting and exciting.

I NOW KNOW HOW TO MAKE BEEF STEW WITH TENDER MEAT - So like not really an accomplishment, but fuck it, it’s actually a big one. Beef Stew is my favourite food of maybe all time. More than sushi, more than pasta, more than anything. My family on my mom’s side used to run the only Chinese restaurant in levack. They had to feed miners, so they learned how to make their food. It’s a family recipe that’s not really a secret, but no one knows how to make it as good as my Poi Poi. My version is a little different, but it tastes great! - and this is weird - it makes me feel more a part of my family than anything else. 

Knowing when to leave - I left two theatre companies I helped found this year. There are a lot of reasons associated with this (both personal and not so personal), but I think I’m figuring out what I want as an artist and my personal ethos in making work. And there’s some things I’m not willing to compromise.

2017 was a development year, but strangely enough by NOT putting out so much work, I feel even more connected to my community and my peers through my work. I feel like - if just a little - I’m more present in shows and conversations. But most importantly, I think I’m not trying as hard as I used to. I’m trying to let my work speak for itself and live a normal, beef stewy life.

Onwards!