#and i rly wanted to share some of my designs eventually SO !

[upsidedowngrass]

hiiii quick thing BUT.... decided i had to post them some day!!!!

[antoncore]

no cuz same i’m at work but so bored sometimes so i just think up headcanons and scenarios and bother ppl on here😓😓

i’ve been convinced to read romance books recently?? i’m not rly one for it but from like.. a nerdy🤓 perspective i like learning about all the different tropes and cliches (even if some of them are cringey asf??) and i was wondering if u had an opinion on which riize members fit different tropes best?? like.. i’ll try to remember 7…

grumpy x sunshine

friends to lovers

enemies to lovers

fake dating

arranged marriage/dating

billionaire romance🤭🤭

second chance

idk if you’ll think this is fun or not but i thought i’d pitch it to you!! lol

- 🧸 anon

you don’t bother me at all!! you’re rlly cool and u give me rlly good ideas!! this took me abt 3 hours in total i think and i loved writing these so enjoy :D

friends to lovers is so anton coded!!! he would fall in love you over the years, from a little crush when you were kids to being teenagers and being absolutely enamoured with you. he just wanted to show his love to you so badly, throwing subtle hints e.g buying your favourite snacks for you and bringing up things he knew you liked. he would be so happy when you finally told him you liked him :( i was actually going to write a little something about this but i have so many others in my list of things to write that idk when it’ll happen (inspired by this song)

billionaire romance instantly made me think of eunseok who would always take you out for shopping sprees, buying you multiple designer items in one sitting. he would also take you to the fanciest restaurants, insisting that you order anything you want. would also take you anywhere in the world you wanted, ticking off many places on your bucket list that you had since you were young. anything you could ever ask for, you would have it as soon as possible.

grumpy x sunshine reminds me of sohee!!! when you first met, he was so intimidated by your cold persona and had no idea how to approach you. eventually, he got the courage to do so by asking you to go on a walk with him. you’d come to learn that you actually had a lot in common despite the contrast in your personalities. as you started to date, you began to see that opposites do attract as his warmth and optimism complemented your coldness and bluntness.

enemies to lovers with shotaro where you were part of rivalling dance teams in the same area. it was so extremely childish how the tension between your groups has escalated this far over the years. at school, you had been paired for the end of year showcase. this forced you to spend hours together in the school’s dance studio, figuring out the choreography and practicing. you began to see that shotaro was driven, not just by competition, but by a genuine love for dance which you shared. after you’d finished your performance, he complimented you on your skills and offered to take you for some boba (on him of course). and it was that moment that you’d finally realised that you were both falling for each other.

seunghan and fake dating goes perfectly to me. he needed to make his ex-girlfriend jealous so he asked you and of course you accepted, anything for a friend. as you did romantic things together such as holding hands and going on cute ice cream dates, he felt himself loving you more and more with each passing second. you were shocked to hear the words “i love you” as you walked home with him after classes. you said it back, wanting to say the words ever since you initially agreed to this fake dating situation. and with that, it wasn’t fake anymore; you were really together and in love, something his ex didn’t have.

i see sungchan as second chance. the breakup was nasty, both of you saying hurtful things that made each other’s heart shatter into a million pieces. sungchan would do anything to have you back, delivering flowers with handwritten messages to your doorstep every week telling you how much he loved and missed you. with time, you realised just how much you couldn’t live without him and his contagious smile. you’d walk to his house with a box of homemade cookies that you used to bake together with the words “i love you.” he swore he could’ve cried when he opened the door to see you there, instantly hugging you. he let you in and you talked for hours, finally agreeing to get back together before having makeup sex, the room filled with i love you’s as he fucked you so well.

an arranged marriage situation made me think of wonbin. it had happened because you both hadn’t found someone yet, too quiet and reserved for the chaos of the dating world. your families were desperate to see you settled so they took it upon themselves to find a match; each other. you surprisingly found peace in each other, enjoying quiet evenings in together. you found yourself slowly falling in love with him, drawn to his calm demeanour that was similar to yours. life with him was so easy and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

[scourgefrontiers]

HONESTLY..ive been thinking a lil.

so i started down my path to becoming a professional character designer in 2013, when i designed my very first character who was MEANT to be a character design exercise. i cant exactly remember what prompted me wanting to go into character design--it could have just been that i was passionate about designing characters to the point of where i had looked up if that was a job or not--but it had become such a passion of mine that i would go on to study and practice character design for like 10 years afterward.

in 2018 i started to take this career path more seriously by enrolling in stephen silver's schoolism class, the fundamentals of character design. this was significant for me because stephen was at the time a very recent idol of mine and i admired his abilities--plus this would count as my first "formal" character design learning experience. i didnt feel very good after taking the class; it was critiqued, and i kind of got ripped into lol. but after i recovered, i didnt give up and just worked harder, eventually taking his second class a couple years later. that time i did pretty well and i came out feeling like i was finally ready to apply to jobs in the industry!

unfortunately, erm...the job hunting was not only Not a success, but it only served to kind of kill my passion for character design. every time i applied i was rejected and every critique i asked for gave me something new i had to do differently. one critique in particular hurt me a lot and killed my passion for art overall (obviously not completely, i have the art autism so i could never fully fall out of love for it lol). it got to the point where last year (2023) i made the decision to give up on character design as a career and just do commissions full time.

dont get me wrong, i am very happy doing commissions as my full time job!!! i love drawing people's blorbos :]...but also, its a very inconsistent income, and theres been a couple months where i couldnt make rent without help, and that doesnt feel good at all.

so ive been thinking. i dont rly wanna go back to the industry--it still feels bad to me and right now it seems as though the industry is not in a great environmental situation anyway, so i dont wanna even attempt to try getting a job there again. however........i was honestly reconsidering if i had actually lost the passion for character design because it just genuinely wasnt my true passion, or if i had only lost it because the industry killed it. and i think the conclusion i came to was that yeah it was the industry's fault that made me fall out of love with it because it made me feel like i was doing everything wrong and nobody would like my design style.

so now my thought is like...maybe i dont HAVE to work in the industry to be a professional character designer? sure itd be AMAZING for my work to be on like. cartoon network or something. but i dont think i Have to work at a studio to be happy in that career path?? like..idk. maybe i can be a freelancer or something. if an industry opportunity shows itself i dont think i'll decline, but i wont actively seek them out anymore.

its just that i feel like ive put too much work and time and money and effort and passion into character design yknow? i dont feel right anymore just letting the industry kill that passion. i wanna reignite it and use the knowledge and skills ive gained over the 10 years ive been working at it to make a good living for myself. yeah itd be great to get guild pay lol, but if i can just...figure out how to do freelance character design work, then i think it can be just as good and fulfilling

sorry for the long post i just needed to air some thoughts out as usual <33 i guess this does show that character design still is my passion LOL i talked so fucking much about it after all. if u have any thoughts to share feel free i guess

[princeoferror]

Redesigning Myself?!

Error has come a long way, I'm very excited to share this latest design of them!

Commission info | portfolio | Twitter | insta | Discord server

Design process below if you're interested!

Error has gone through multiple iterations. It all started with a scrawny looking nerd, who then became a twink, which then became a blue elf thing but unfortunately I don't have art of that design- and then we got the goblin era which stuck around up to this more polished design. Currently I'm a basic green demon BUT it's time for a change.

Starting with getting some reference pics of myself, I began sketching out different body types. I essentially just kept shrinking myself til it didn't look stupid in a bad way, I'm aiming for silly not dumb. Eventually I ended up with this goat dude! They're very gender I hope when I'm a few years on T I can grow goat legs.

I did also do a quick test of a cyborg Error which actually looks rly cool- but unfortunately I don't draw sci-fi and I think this would be too different from my fantasy art I post.

The body was sorted, next up was to stop being a nudist and pick out an outfit. You can see my slow progression towards the vibe I wanted, my main mission was to add in the ERROR vibes of error, I need tech stuff. I got that by adding circuit board shapes to my skin and some glitch patterns to my cardigan. And then ofc my famous broken crown!

And so- HERE THEY ARE! I love him a lot this is 10x better than the last Error designs. They're a silly little bastard imp.

Error is an internet demon, a low level one he just crashes websites and influences the dumber fights in comments sections- and I think what I've got rly reflects that! This design is also a bit of a gender outlet as I got to whack a beard on my own face while I can't grow one yet :p Error will also get top surgery when I do :3

K bye!

[jellypawzy2k]

UTM AU IDEA?

OKAY SO WHAT IF THERE WAS AN AU WHERE ROBBIE FINALLY STANDS UP FOR HERSELF TO BLUSTER AND LEAVES TO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE WHERE SHE CAN FINALLY MAKE THE RULES FOR HERSELF.

BUT SHE DOESN'T GO TO THE CARE BEARS FOR HELP AND REFUSES THE HELP TOO, BUT INSTEAD GOES TO HIDE IN THE SILVER LINING FOREST TO BECOME ONE WITH IT'S NATURE AND CREATE A HOME FOR HERSELF FROM SCRATCH, WITH THE WHIFFLES HELP, BY USING HER INTELLIGENCE AND BLUEPRINTS.

AND OVER TIME, SHE FINALLY HAS A HOME TO CALL HER OWN, WHICH IS MOSTLY DESIGNED BY HERSELF AND SHE BECOMES A SCIENTIST / INVENTOR.

SHE STOPS TRYING TO DESTROY THE SILVERLINING AND BECOMES VERY FACINATED INTO IT, AS SHE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO LOOK INTO IT BEFORE WHEN LIVING WITH BLUSTER. THEN STARTS CREATING INVENTIONS TO HELP THE WHIFFLES, AND ALSO FOR HERSELF OF COURSE, ONES SHE HAS BEEN DYING TO CREATE FOR AGES BUT COULDN'T BACK IN THE BAD CROWD.

AND INSTEAD OF WEARING A BLACK LEATHER JACKET, SHE WEARS A WHITE LABCOAT INSTEAD, THE CRACK IN HER GOGGLES HAVE BEEN FIXED, AND SHE GROWS A BIT MORE HAIR.

I ALSO WANT PLUNK TO COME BACK, AND HE BECOMES ROBBIE'S LITTLE SCIENTIST SIDEKICK, BUT HE ISN'T TREATED LIKE CRAP BY HER. ROBBIE IS FINALLY THE ONE IN CONTROL, BUT MAKES SURE NOT THE REPEAT WHAT BLUSTER DID WITH HER AND THE CROWD. (Plunk doesn't rly live with her, since he's got his own home, but he works with her as co-workers and visits her the most. They become besties.)

I'D ALSO LIKE TO THINK THE CARE BEARS VISIT SOMETIMES FROM CARE-A-LOT TO CHECK UP ON HER, BUT ONLY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS BECAUSE SHE LIKES HER OWN SPACE AND SHE DOES THINGS A LOT DIFFERENT FROM THE CARE BEARS. BUT SHE WELCOMES THEM IN AND THEY SEE HOW HAPPIER SHE IS WITHOUT BLUSTER, AND SHE FINALLY KEEPS HER ROOM CLEAN CUZ SHE'S NO LONGER MENTALLY ILL. I ALSO WANT HER TO GET CLOSER WITH GRUMPY, SINCE GRUMPY IS THE ONLY CARE BEAR SHE CAN PROLLY FULLY TOLERATE SINCE HE DOESN'T PESTER HER ABOUT SUNSHINE, CUPCAKES AND RAINBOWS. HE FULLY UNDERSTANDS HER WAY OF LIVING, RESPECTS IT AND LEAVES HER TO IT. THEY CAN ALSO SHARE GADGET / INVENTION IDEAS TOO MWAHAHA

I am a huge enthusiast for mad scientists so she'd prolly have her own laboratory in the basement of her home and work on experiments / gadgets.

Also I'd like to think Bluster is homeless with barely nothing so he can't destroy the Silverlining again. He's probably living in a cave and eating wild plants or something. HE DOES TRY TO BEG ON HIS KNEES TO ROBBIE TO LET HIM LIVE WITH HER, BUT SHE'S LIKE: ''Naw bruh, you'll only boss me around again and mooch off my stuff. Here's some materials, go make your own home, squirt!''. SHE PROLLY LETS HIM VISIT SOMETIMES, BUT HE HAS TO GO BY HER HOUSE RULES, NOT HIS BUT SHE ISN'T MEAN ABOUT IT. THEY BOTH KINDA GET ON GOOD TERMS WITH EACHOTHER AGAIN, BUT NOT TO WHERE THEY WERE IN THE BEGUINNING, THEY BECOME MORE LIKE MUTUALS AND SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM LIVE WITH HER. BLUSTER HAS RUININED THEIR FRIENDSHIP TO EVER HAVE IT STRONG AGAIN. But that's prolly a few months or a year after she leaves the bad crew cuz he eventually finds out where she's living at.

And Malcom, I'm gonna give him the funniest future story ever. He's gonna have a wife and children and owns a huge company that makes something rly dumb, prolly like tooth brushes or massage chairs and he gets into co-operate greed in the care bears universe equivalent of New York. And Robbie's like: ''Lol, I saw that coming tbh. His eyes were always on the prize. Good for him I guess?'', whilst reading a news paper.

I'M PROLLY GONNA NAME THIS AU, Care Bears Beyond The Silverlining (Care Bears BTS for short)........ Uh oh... BTS... PFTYDFSUTGGJ BYE (Or maybe Care Bears BTSL)...

[disgruntleddemon]

uuuuh, toadfoot and rippletail (the riverclan one) for the hypokits (i have this random au that toad and ripple crushed on each other during their beaver quest adventures; never has it been founded on canon, i just decided they were gay)

so my pen decided to eat shit on me mid drawing hhh. i should have it fixed soon, but in the meantime, i have some wip stuff saved. the designs might be tweaked for the finished product tho. i'll post n tag u when it's done!

i always approve of making random ass cats gay, totally on board for this ship now. i ended up getting rly attached to this gal, her name is Dusklight! I have a whole backstory for her now, which is part of why i wanted to share the art while it's still a wip. anyway, story under the cut cause it's p long lmao

Toadfoot and Rippletail have a fling/budding relationship during the journey. i think they would have eventually broken up on good terms, and be awkward cross clan co-parents, but with everything cut short by Rippletail's death, Toadfoot was left with a lot of what-ifs and became very depressed and wistful about it

when he comes home and eventually has Dusklight, he's secretive and defensive about her parentage. especially after the whole Hollyleaf fiasco before. he only tells Tallpoppy and Applefur. they help him raise Dusklight.

Toadfoot does very much care about Dusklight, and shows it, but there's always an odd distance between them. i mean, what do you do when your daughter looks so much like your dead forbidden summer romance? Tallpoppy and Applefur are close to Dusk, but they're secretive about her other parent too. and can also be akward at times

Dusklight grows up always feeling like she never quite belongs. no one speaks about whoever her other parent is, but there's always whispers. Dusk assumes they must've been evil or something, and that's why no one ever says anything. Dovewing is eventually the one to tell her the truth (they end up pretty close too). Dusklight doesn't tell her dad she knows at first.

she starts fishing and swimming alone, to see if that's what she feels like she's missing. maybe she'll feel like she belongs in riverclan. she likes fish, and swimming is fun enough, but it's just not what she's looking for.

she tells her dad after that, and they have a heart to heart. they have a much better bond from then on out, and understand each other more. (although Toad is pretty pissed Dove told her.) Toad asks if she wants to find her living relatives i riverclan, but Dusk isn't ready for that yet. (Rippletail doesn't have any cannon ones, so uh, just vague relatives ig)

Toadfoot dies during the great battle, which i decided to keep. before that happens tho, Dusklight is able to meet Rippletail, and fight alongside both of her dads. she's devastated when Toad dies, but is able to say goodbye to him before he leaves (probably off to finish his doomed fling in starclan lmao)

after the battle, Dusk does find her riverclan relatives, and tries to connect with them when she can. she decides to stay in shadowclan, but she tries to do things for her half clan heritage in small personal ways. she still swims and fishes on her own, speaks to her relatives (who agree to keep Toadfoot and Rippletail's secret), and decorates her nest with feathers and stones. she's also still very close to her aunt and grandma, even more so after Toad died.

but ye!! Hope u like her!! i love her sm now honestly lmao

[tortoisebore]

what do you think the girls and regulus would study?

these guys are characters that i don’t feel like i know as intimately so bear with me here i’m just spitballing

reg is a tough one i genuinely have no idea what he’d want to do & idk if he would either. in a world where he did eventually get to leave home and make his own decisions, i think he’d either pursue something that helps other people (social work, maybe a public defender, etc.) or something purely selfish that he just thinks he would like and be fulfilled by (like….idfk what if he went to culinary school or something) (or maybe music school bc he grew up playing violin or cello & found he enjoyed it outside of his parents’ expectations)

ugh i feel like lily could go a million places too. i like her as a lit/english major bc i think she’d be a lot like remus in that her childhood was a little lonely and books kept her company. but i also love the idea of corporate titan lily running shit and being In Charge. or like being a partner at a law firm or something. like that’s hot & i think she would be a great leader & her employees would love her idk. now that i’m talking ab it Hot Businesswoman Lily is rly doing it for me

marlene is an artsy girlie!!! she has impeccable style!!! and amazing taste!!!! of course she’s a graphic designer!!! she comments on font choices on the menu at every restaurant. she takes pictures of albums at the record store for design inspo instead of buying them. she has a subscription to a vintage advertising site and wins free old posters & plasters them all over her walls. she hates the idea of working for an agency so she finds some hole in the wall business to design for in-house after graduation (no of course i am not projecting) (not even a little)

i love literature girlie dorcas. i think she’d be a really phenomenal writer and have a book of poetry and short stories published by the time she got to college. like she’s been hired by local musicians & bands to write songs for their new albums. she performs at poetry readings at a little bookstore a few blocks from campus & her gf records it and posts it to tiktok, where she has several thousand followers & shares drabbles & new poems & updates about her next book. none of us are as cool and interesting and talented as dorcas & we just have to be okay with that

i feel like i know the least about mary than anybody else in this list ugh. in my head she’s extremely eclectic with her personal style & would either go to fashion school or just say fuck it & start her own line while getting a business degree. like maybe she’s got her line as a side hustle that she wants to be her full time gig eventually, but in the meantime she’s getting a BA in marketing & then a masters in business so she knows how to make it successful

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

i can see why some people may dislike elysia at a surface level (she certainly needed to grow on me just as much as she grew on mei)… i mean, its p clear what kinda demographic mhy was targeting w her character design & her cold open at the end ch25, which can definitely rub some people the wrong way

but then u get to kno her thru the elysian realm story and she… actually has in character motivation for presenting herself in such a way. she clearly wants to be loved by everyone, and her cheeky persona allows her to share the boundless love she has for everyone & everything around her w/o being all that disruptive (she rly is rather considerate, all things considered). the constant flirting can definitely get on some peoples nerves, but if you pay a little attention, u can eventually see a difference between just small-talk flirting (like w kevin, which mostly amounts to ‘i wish u sweet dreams of me’ ;P), and the actual genuine interest she shows in mei , and her feelings, and her life (…and yes, her horns).

i think the moment that finally endeared her to me was her strutting around the realm w a megaphone telling anyone that will listen that she finally got to touch the horns! bc heres a girl that knows what she wants & goes for it, and just has to share her joy w the world! and if thats not sickeningly cute & unbearably attractive at the same time, i dont kno what is.

so anyway, i forgot what started this, but enjoy my brief elysia character analysis in rebuttal to strawman nonexistent elysia haters (and yes, i did have fun w the color formatting)

Hahaha the colors did make this easier to read, too? x)

Well here’s my two cents to add onto this: Agree there’s legitimate reasons you can dislike Elysia, just like there’s legitimate reasons to dislike certain types of people. Some find loud people endearing, some find them annoying, that’s just life.

I personally don’t think her expressing how attracted she is to Mei is an issue, especially since it’s used for comedy a lot and isn’t meant to be seen as serious. Some people thinks she’s crossing Mei’s boundaries though! And that’s okay! That’s their interpretation of the text! As long as they actually read the text to know what they’re talking about, of course, I’ve got zero issue with it.

(Badmouthing a character off first meeting vibes because you skip all their dialogue would just feels like bad faith. Yaknow? If you can’t bear to read em don’t talk about what you don’t wanna know~)

But yeah like. If someone’s reading “I really want to touch her horns” as “I want to touch her d—” that would be inappropriate, so I understand some people think it’s sexual harassment.

Personally I feel like it’s closer to “I really want to touch her hair” as if Mei had a mohawk. It’s fancy and looks fun to touch! The sexual dimension is there but it’s less from what Elysia is wanting to touch and more superposed with her being attracted to Mei. You can make hair touching feel sexual if you’re flirting with the person, but it’s not the same thing as fondling them? Something like that.

There’s also the question of consent, since Elysia always asks for permission first, but you could see her insistance as pressure. It comes down to what you believe Mei thinks and feels. What I see is that she can get exasperated or embarrassed by the PDA but not really angry, so she’s probably okay with it. Someone else might think she’s given up because Elysia can’t be tamed. Both are fine way to interpret the situation since they’re based off of facts.

The important point is that we have to be aware we’re all just interpreting the text. There can be multiple valid readings! And that’s good. Diversity of angles is interesting.

Problems mostly just arise when you start going “I can’t believe ANYONE would love this character who EATS BABIES”.

Issue being, the interpretation isn’t necessarily wrong, but you’re being mean to the people who are seeing things differently and attacking their character based off your view of the story, the hurt has crossed into the real world. That’s just a no-no.

Respect is key!

[veganmikehanlon]

are there any other characters that you headcanon as vegan? if yes, can you explain why you do? 👀

in my lucky seven sanctuary au bev, richie, bill, and mike grow up in derry or just some small town, although the idea of the losers club being called to derry so that Their kids can defeat It like mike’s dad was is👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽 but without the supernatural element they grow up in a small town, mike on the farm that he swears he’s gonna get away from, maybe open up a sanctuary, create a new legacy. richie just wants to Get Away from all the small town small minded people, he wants to get out in the world. he’s also a total hippie. peace, love and happiness, my friends. bill is just regular and bev doesn’t know them.

so bill just completely fucks off for college like who knows what the fuck he’s doing there’s just some random obscure instagram posts and that’s it. then he publishes a book and suddenly he’s Everywhere, then he publishes another one you know a real stephen king insert and next thing you know there’s a movie! and wow! hot new celebrity couple bill denbrough and audra phillips seen eating at trendy vegan restaurants across europe! audra worked on a movie early in her career that totally changed her life and lead her to go vegan and bill was like this is the coolest woman in the world i’m gonna follow her to the end of the earth (which is 10 yrs away now according to the UN).

mike and richie go to separate but close colleges so they can stay together. richie majors in environment and sustainability and minors in theater. mike majors in business and dabbles in poli-sci and veterinarian studies which is where he meets eddie!

eddie had it rough growing up he was rly isolated and lonely and barely allowed to do anything. one day he’s exploring the woods by his house and he finds an injured bird and it just hits him the similarity between this helpless bird and himself. both in situations they’re unable to fly away from. so when he has the opportunity to leave for school he decides that he wants to be a vet bc animals don’t have the agency to decide to change their lives, but eddie can make them healthy and strong (and maybe he can make himself healthy and strong too). it isn’t until he meets mike though that he makes the connection between the pets he’s being taught to care for and the animals on his plate.

richie meets this really great guy, ben hanscom, around the same time. ben is studying architecture and has been getting really into sustainability and how to build for the future! ben and richie meet at this sustainability talk their school is hosting and really hit it off. after, richie is like do u smoke weed and ben who’s never had a weed in his life is like oh yeah ofc so they go get blasted in richie’s car where he just drops truth bomb after truth bomb abt sustainability and how animal agriculture has to fall for there to even be a future. poor ben who’s high for the first time in his life is just like oh my god oh my god oh my god but i want some doritos RN and richie is like i have a family size bag of sweet chili doritos in my dorm which are vegan. ben almost cries. and that’s the start of ben going vegan! it’s nice to have an experienced vegan (and snacker) to show you the ropes!

fast forward to graduation, mike and richie get engaged, mike buys the family farm, hires eddie as an on-site veterinarian and ben as a consultant (and hands on, bc it’s ben) for the redesign of the farm.

beverly rogan has a small clothing business in chicago. her husband tom works the finances and she makes the clothes. it’s nice for what it is, although her friend kay tells her she could have more than a shitty husband that controls her life and business. bev and tom go to derry for a funeral and while there happen upon this adorable little store. it’s got recycled fashion, art, tools. bev suggests starting their own sustainable fashion line bc this is awesome and worthwhile and tom is like lol fuck you no that’s not the way we’re going to do things. they leave the store but bev Remembers. she goes back by herself and meets mike hanlon, one of the owners. she tells him how she’s a fashion designer but never thought abt not using animal products. they talk for a long time and mike invites her to dinner at the farm. mike introduces her to his fiancé who she Immediately loves bc he’s such a weird guy, and to some cows. mike shares his own story about how all this came about and the importance of fighting for freedom for everyone and bev just, breaks down just cannot get it together crying bc holy SHIT there’s a whole world that she never knew about that alines with this missing piece in her heart. and mike let’s her cry on his shoulder for as long as she needs to and tells her that she’s welcome anytime.

she leaves tom shortly after, shows up at lucky seven sanctuary’s door, and never looks back. she’s got a home and a family and a part time job in the store. when she isn’t helping on the farm, she’s creating designs for new sustainable clothing lines made by beverly Marsh.

stanley uris has been an accountant for one whole year out of college and it’s fine, but he’s got no connection to the work, something just doesn’t feel right about his life. he’s always been a confident, decisive guy and so this new feeling of being adrift kind of makes him lose it. so he quits his job and pursues his hobby which is nature photography (birds). he travels all over and starts learning abt conservation bc a lot of the birds he wants to photograph are dwindling in numbers bc their homes are being excavated for, and this is the thing that really sends him over the edge, animal agriculture. and like. that’s Not Right. it Should be empirically impossible for one business to be so powerful. so he makes the change to veganism about a year into his new nomadic lifestyle. so he actually meets mike in a photography facebook group and they hit it off and are pen pals for awhile. stan happens to start thinking about settling down when mike tells him they have to hire an accountant bc the farm and their business ventures have grown so much and stan is like well shit, i’m an accountant! so he goes out there and meets everyone and gets the lowdown and just absolutely falls in love with all of it and the next thing everyone knows, he’s moved in.

eventually bill hears about lucky seven sanctuary and he’s like holy shit i grew up with those guys! i can’t believe they really did it! and so they reconnect and they all live happily ever after!

[alterlifes-a]

tag muns you want to know better; repost - don’t reblog.

What inspired you to try/create that muse/s: well , if you’ve been with me long enough then you know that tooru started out as an AU ! o.ikawa t.ooru, where instead of attending s.eijou , he went to s.hiratorizawa ! to be honest , i kind of just wanted to try my hand at writing that kind of thing ? it was the very first time i had made a tumblr rp blog , so i had no idea that people rp different verses of the same character on one blog !! i originally rp’d on deviantart , and it was very commonplace to have different blogs for different verses ... i had over 70 rp blogs on there and most of them were literally the same 2 characters but in different AUs LMAO ... so imagine my surprise when i saw people rp’ing different AUs on one blog ... RP’ing multiple muses on one blog ... !! but i kinda just stayed with my iteration instead of playing canon ! kawa anyway , since i didn’t really see the point in starting over . as tooru developed more , though , i began to use him as a venting tool because this was a part of my life where i was really depressed . but as time grew on and i eventually made him into an OC , he became a much happier character . he really is my best friend ; he’s been there for me through it all , and even though he’s just fictional , i really owe him a lot for helping me out during rough times .

What is inspiration for that muse/s: well , currently , a lot of things ... lots of music , japanese culture + religion , and also my own experiences . in general , i have a p.interest board for him , so ... maybe you could say i draw inspiration from that , too ! i also rly enjoy the band MILI . their songs really fit tooru , like ‘ bathtub mermaid ’ . i’ve also been listening to hello , again and am planning on drawing something based on it for him ( + the song’s prequel , “ goodbye ” ) . i mainly tend to daydream while listening to songs , so ... yeah . as for characters who serve as inspiration for tooru ... well , i think that’s an artist meme , so i might just fill it in in lieu of answering this properly lol ... but two i can think of off the top of my head are leon from f.ire e.mblem e.choes and n.eferpitou from h.xh ! 

Thread/AU that made you really happy: B.NHA AU ... !! i’m hyperfixating sm on that one ... idk , a lot of planning and plotting goes into it , esp since a lot of my mutuals are in the fandom . in particular , i love love love the story i’ve created with @noquirk . i literally cannot envision a more perfect plot for tooru in this verse . heck , it’s literally my main go - to timeline when i draw / write for it . tooru is , quite literally , not very much in this AU without deck .

Something really special on your wishlist: sh ... more ships ... ships to draw and animate and make animatics to ... also i need to get my butt into gear and finish my JRPG AU group lol .

Something you are looking for in short future for your muse: blease tooru help me get thru the school year ... also i have some animatics in the back burner so i’m looking forward to getting those done !

Share something related to your muse!: his canon story , in parallel motion , deals with existentialism and alternate universes . ultimately , it’s a story that serves as a physical manifestation of my own struggle with depression , and while it’s sombre in tone , i want it to tell whoever’s reading it , “ you matter . ” it’s why tooru is placed into so many marginalized groups ; he’s fat and trans and biracial and bi and suffers from bpd + depression + anxiety but he’s a good person through it all ... his story is tragic because he’s not allowed to exist and will be forgotten when he dies , but his existence impacts so many other characters’ lives ... it’s a butterfly effect kind of thing . because you exist , you’ve made so many peoples’ lives better . and i understand it’s rough and i understand depression + sucky real life aspects try to convince you otherwise , but just ... think about it . there’s an alternate universe where , because you don’t exist , something huge was probably impacted . and even on a smaller , more intimate scale --- if you hadn’t existed in another life , then one of your friends might not be here . they might not be as happy as they are now , because you make them happy . life can be awful . but it’s wonderful and beautiful , too . that’s what i want tooru to be to others . someone to look up to and relate to , and someone who tells you , “ it’s okay ! ”

What do you think about character’s design/how do you came up with this: he’s ... kinda generic LOL mainly cause he’s based off of o.ikawa looks - wise due to his origin ... but part of his looks also derivate from an old ask blog muse i had :

i just really like that bangs - over - one - eye hairstyle ngl ... also i have no idea how / when his hair became maroon - brown since o.ikawa’s hair is chestnut brown , but ... yeah . also have no idea when he gained red eyes HDKJSFS,,,, i find fangs appealing on a character though , so that’s why he has fangs and does the :3c ... honestly i think i kinda just slapped together what i like in a design and put it on him , so even though he may look like an NPC ( lol ) , he’s still appealing in my eyes .

What your muse taught you: how to love being alive ... ( i’ve actually written an essay for a class about how he’s helped me through depression haha ... he means a lot to me , can you tell ? )

What is roleplay for you: all of you are awful and yet here i am anyway so really this says more about me than anything else .

Just say something nice about other mun!: @onfaith you are my ANGEL you mean sm to me and i wish u all the best with your studies  /  @tikkvn i love u sm cass ur an amazing person n a wonderful existence never forget that  /  @juuheart notay is my fave bleach chara also ur art is so cute  /  @wuvlite if i die all my money goes to u so u can keep drawing holy SHIZ ur art is #inspiration  /  @queznak ur very interesting and charismatic as a person  !!!  /  @uzvisen idk how to spell ur url this took me 3 tries but also ilysm  /  @conhnhaketon i also cant spell ur url but i hope ur doing well n ur eid was good , ik we’ve both been busy but i would live for u  /  @quirkthief ur one of my fave ppl i will forever tag u in shibes also i’ve supported u in u saying afo was hot even when he looked ugly n now i get to watch everyone who made fun of u writhe bc he is rly rly hot hahaha  /  @noquirk you’re so talented pls never stop what ur doing  /  @aerve you’re rly cool !!! 100% support u in everything u do ! >:0  /  @starbooms aries ur so creative ugh ... ur mind !!!!!! ik we don’t talk much but ur v fun  /  @bendsair i forget what other blogs ur on but chris ur the coolest #TalkRomania2Me  /  @creatied we don’t talk much either but ur graphics r so aesthetically appealing wowzers !!  /  @daimnas i’m wuv you amari !! also my french sucks but uhhh comment ca va ( i’m too lazy to find the accented ‘c’ dsfhi ) ??  /  @soarsun i’ve only known u for a few weeks but if anything happened to u i would kill everyone on this website n then myself  /  @quirkgifter nanners is the coolest n nana is the best grandma in town  /  @natsutodoroki im so jealous u got a canon url as ur rp url LMAO but also ur rly cool n fun even tho we dont talk too frequently !  /  @lechors​ LINNEA I WILL DIE FOR U RIGHT HERE RIGHT N---  /  @ YOU READING THIS BC I’M ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP : YOU’RE AWESOME AND GREAT !

Tagged by: stole it from @queznak Tagging: whomstever 

[neonlaynes]

I was actually tagged on my main but I’ll just copy it here WAHAHA

get to know more meme under the cut! it was fun to do and maybe (definitely, tbh) offers more insight on me as a person rather than just another local art peddler....lol.......

1. What is the favourite item of clothing you own?

god I really.......it’s soooo hard to choose between my regular clothing and my lolita wardrobe but I’d have to say my daydream carnival tiered JSK in ivory....it’s got such a gorgeous pastel palette and I could stare at the print for days!!

2. Tell me about the first time you watched your favourite movie?

do....do I even have one?! I think I have many....but a super memorable experience was in high school junior? senior year? where we had to read the great gatsby for class and it was coincidentally the year that the baz luhrmann adaptation came out so I went and watched it together with my friends. breathtaking visuals that I absolutely will not forget, especially the scene with 9000 flowers and the silk rain scene. we watched it a second time too, but that time we sat in the Very Front Row so our necks hurt afterwards from looking up and seeing everything at an extreme angle HAHA

3. What was the last book you finished?

it is soooo awful (to myself, if anyone shares this sentiment then welcome to the club) that the only true reading I’ve done these years are textbooks and fanfiction. I cannot for the life of me recall when I’ve read an Actual Book and I hopefully can change that eventually!!

4. What is the next book you want to read?

I am Totally Open to recs but I’m probably going to finally get to reading the myriad of design and art books that I got last year ;;;

5. When is your birthday, and what do you want for it this year? (If your birthday has already happened this year, did you get what you had your heart set on?)

oct 12! I am sadly very materialistic and impulsive and I tend to get the things that I want myself, so. I’ll go abstract and say maybe a sense of direction or something along those lines haha!! feeling like I haven’t stagnated for the past few years and being able to feel in control of what may come would be lovely. please I am quite desperate!!!

6. If you were given one month and $10,000, where would you travel to?

either japan because although I’ve been there, I feel I didn’t fully enjoy the beauty of the culture and especially the nature of the area (I went to tokyo) so I’d love the chance to go again!

OR!! a europe exploration trip with focus on italy! getting my minor in italian and it’d be a shame to not experience the rich culture of italy at least once in my life, but also bc I hear that it’s pretty economical to travel around while in europe and I might as well visit the other lovely countries!!

7. Cake or pie?

Cake!! I adore cheesecake!! literally whenever I go someplace and they have cheesecake I HAVE to eat and taste it I love comparing them... I actually hardly ever eat desserts but also catch me eating fondant abominations and LIKING IT!!!!!!!

8. Name 3 things you think you’re really good at.

hyperfixation (on a MEANINGLESS task like searching for a post buried underneath several layers of Hell, on a fandom/pairing, etc.)

retail therapy!!! you feel bad??? don’t worry!!! ADD TO CART!! CHECKOUT!!!

Art (one of my Only Skills bc I kept building on it and ignoring everything else so I’m Kinda Decent)

9. Name 3 things you’d like to be better at.

Focusing on the Right Things. it’s ridiculously hard to get me excited/passionate on something especially if it’s to do w academics so I Always procrastinate and never put 100% effort into things and even though it’s my last quarter in uni I want to see Some Modicum of change

Making friends and being social.........it’s not good to compare myself to others but I’m still rly beat up over not being able to be charismatic enough to Attract people but I also spend most my time worrying about social cues anyways so uhm?? spend less time Thinking and more time Doing!!!!!!

Art. I’d really like to see where the next years will take me art-wise. still don’t know what I want to focus on like painting, or developing my style, or just.......revisiting the fundamentals but it’s gonna happen y’all!!

10. Name 3 far-fetched dreams you’d like to do someday.

be Completely Fluent in Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Italian. I’m Chinese-American and I’m woefully inept in that I can speak like a native and pretty much comprehend most things but I’ve got the literacy and handwriting of an elementary school kid and BOYYY I am Truly Regret at this age, just like my mom said I would be, at not spending more time with my mother tongue. also ngl I fking love language and it’d be great to complete that East Asian Trifecta and be able to not have too much of a problem traveling in those countries. Italian I actually took because fresh out of high school I had a brief infatuation with assassin’s creed, namely II, and on a Damn Whim, I chose to take italian in college instead of japanese which was my high school language course that I took up til honors. REALLY ENJOY IT THOUGH, NO REGRETS HERE FOR ONCE!!!

Travel to the places that you see in nature documentaries...like what an EXPERIENCE that would be!! esp waterfalls?! beaches?! sightings of unique species?! okay actually now that I think about it this is going to involve a lot of camping stuff which I am painfully not ready for but would be willing to prepare for.....worth it though!! I just (clenches fist) really love nature

this isn’t so much a dream but like......Finding the One and not being in a loveless relationship/marriage. I don’t rly have any place to say this considering I haven’t dated Anyone ever at the ripe old age of 21 going on 22 but like a kid, I can still fantasize abt being with someone in a textbook romance,I hope. kind of Deathly Scared of becoming what they call in China “leftover women” who can’t find a partner and end up being single well into their late 30s ;; and since I’m gonna be out of college and graduated there’s even less chance to meet someone unless I Actively throw myself into shit which I am notoriously!! bad at!!! so that is a Saga for another time.......

11. If you had to dye your hair, what colour would you dye it?

PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wish dyeing hair didn’t mean signing off your hair quality to a death sentence (I am aware there’s methods/products you can use to make it better but... AAAAA) I’ve bleached my hair before and Already it was significantly.....Sadder

if you made it here I applaud you and appreciate you!!!! thanks for listening to meeeee

[pacman-tattoo]

connect [rich g. x fem!reader x jake d.]

( Can you do a Poly Rich x Fem Reader x Jake fic? Preferably where the reader is a big geek and likes to cosplay. (Probably met when reader was doing the costumes for the play)  )

ok but i love this

ok this also went from ‘big geek who likes to cosplay’ to ‘geek, likes to cosplay, does costumes for drama dept. and knows shit about theatre’ because i couldnt resist tbh

this is 10,000 words. brb gonna go die

pls dont expect this from me since this was just something that i got rly rly into writing and got rly carried away

warnings: uhhh none that i can think of other than general language but let me know if im forgetting stuff

        Alright. You could do this. All you had to do was come up with costumes, take measurements, make everything by yourself, and have everything ready in time for dress rehearsal to begin - along with keeping up with schoolwork, going to Hobby Lobby (which, thank fuck you were getting a huge discount for, because otherwise you’d basically be destroying your own shit in order to make anything) to get everything you needed,  and basically do everything your average person needs to survive. So basically, you were ready to die a bit more inside and start multitasking - and lose sleep, but that was normal. What wasn’t normal was the show you were doing costumes for. When Mr.Reyes mentioned doing Midsummer, you imagined you’d be spending your nights sewing costumes for fairies - not... zombies. But you forced a grin and told him you’d do your best, and clutched your sketchbook to your chest, the paper with the cast list and roles jammed in, and the script for the play sandwiched between binders in your bag.

        This was fine. You’d go and watch one of their rehearsals to get an idea of how long everyone would have between costume changes, and Mr.Reyes would be speaking his vision to you as you would hastily scribble notes down, basically becoming a bobble-head as you tried to take into account everything. You’d start doing homework during classes, read online for whatever book and bullshit your way through any quizzes. Maybe you could copy some (or almost all) answers off of Christine if she’d let you. Then eventually you’d start spending your last class taking a nap with Christine in the drama room while the rest of the class did whatever - or working on whatever schoolwork you could if you weren’t tired.

        The things you did for costume design.

        Christine was the first person you measured. She’d been through this numerous times before, telling you her height and weight happily and smiling at you. Her smile fell at one point as you were measuring her chest.

       “You might want to be careful, [y/n],” she said softly, “I mean, I don’t mean to be rude but...” She glanced over to where the rest of the cast sat, chatting among themselves. “I don’t think they know how this works?”

       “You don’t sound rude!” You chirped, “they’re new to drama, right?”

        She nodded. “I don’t mean to sound mean or anything - I just thought I should warn you that someone might take offense to you asking their weight? Sorry, I know that sounds kinda weird-”

       “Nah, it’s cool, Christine,” you shrugged, “I’ll explain that this is just for me to know and that this won’t be shared with anyone else. Thanks for the heads-up, though.”

        Christine only smiled. After her, you had Jake Dillinger next on your list. He gave you the information you needed without question, and you took to measuring. After the awkward silence began to creep in between you, he finally spoke.

       “Do you do this a lot?”

        You hummed as you looked up. “Measuring people?”

       “Yeah!” He smiled, “like... costume stuff.”

        You nodded. “It’s kind of my passion.”

        Jake smiled at you. God, you knew how many people would kill to have Jake Dillinger even look their way - and here you were, tape measure around his waist without a second thought to it while you were fairly sure you had at least one pair of eyes on you. It didn’t click until half-way through measuring his inseam that some of these people probably have never seen anyone taking anyone’s measurements. 

        Well, this was going to be fun.

        Next was Rich Goranski. He raised a brow when you asked for his height and weight, but the moment you were about to launch into your ‘I need to know this because it’s legit important for costuming-” speech, he shrugged and told you. 

       “You do realize how this looks, right?” He said, slightly smirking while you slightly slapped at his leg. “What?”

       “Move your leg.”

       “What?” He repeated, before moving his foot slightly, “oh.”

       “How does this look, Rich?” You said, looking back up at him.

       “You don’t know?”

       “Enlighten me.”

        After a pause, he only frowned. “Never mind.”

        That’s what you thought.

        Jeremy was fine. He might have been somewhat awkward for a second, his eyes kept flickering from a spot on the wall to you as you measured anywhere below his waist, but he was quiet and didn’t ask questions and let you work - taking any instructions without hesitation. Brooke was similar, although much happier and barely hesitated to give you her weight and height. Heck, she actually complimented you on your dress at one point - something you’d made earlier in the year. Jenna was similar, although much chattier - which was definitely fine. You actually liked it, compared to how quiet everyone else had been while you’d taken their measurements.

        Then came Chloe. You’d known about her and Jake’s relationship in the past, so maybe that was why she’d been glaring at you the entire time you basically breathed around Jake. But she smiled.

       “Height and weight?”

        She hesitated. “Why?”

        You sighed. “This will stay between you and me - I just need it for costuming reasons.”

        Chloe clicked her tongue before answering your question. Barely half a second later, she spoke once more. “I saw Jake was talking to you.”

       “And so did Christine and Rich and Brooke and Jenna.” You shrugged, “look, Chloe, if you’re trying to say there was anything going on - there wasn’t. I took his measurements, he asked if I do this a lot, and I told him I did since costumes are my thing. Heck, we haven’t talked before today, so if you’re worried about anything between us-”

       “I’m not worried,” she snapped. “I just-” She frowned as she watched you fumble with the measuring tape, “I wouldn’t want you to get any ideas since Jake obviously has his eyes on someone else.”

        You finally looked up after straightening out the tape. “We’ve barely ever talked before. I’m not going to fall in love with him after one talk.”

        Chloe only stared at you for a moment, before letting you finish up your job. You shut the folder you kept, making sure all the papers were secure, shoving your measuring tape into your pocket, and snatching your bag from a chair. You thanked them for being patient, forcing your smile as you make a comment about how you’ll pick up supplies and get things done as soon as you can, only receiving a halfhearted response from everyone but Christine and Mr.Reyes, which managed to evoke something from both Jeremy and Jake, which in turn managed to get the rest of the cast to give you more than you’d expected.

        Well, that really showed you how fickle people could be. Not that you needed it - but still. You weren’t sure whether it was Jake or Jeremy that made them change their minds, but you left without thinking too much into it. 

        You had work to do.

        A week later and you’re already buried in your work. The contents of your room have practically been shoved into the closet as you invested all your time into each little detail in each costume. You spent your days either working on small details while in different classes, spray painting shoes during drama, or scribbling in answers to homework due the next period (or day, if you were lucky), courtesy of Christine. If you had a chance, you’d crash on the small, cheap couch in the drama room for a bit, and then you were back home and sewing and (rarely) burning your fingers on hot glue.

        It was hell, but it was worth it.

        The rustling of paper and plastic bags caught your attention, snapping your attention away from the warming glue gun, which wasn’t warming up fast enough for your liking. There stood Christine, admiring the different pieces of costumes that were strewn about - the bare bones of Brooke’s dress that still needed the bows fixed and lime green details, Christine’s own dress hanging on a hanger only needing tiny touch-ups, a shirt you found for Chloe that you had yet to touch, and one of Rich’s costumes already near completion.

       “Wow.”

       “Yeah.”

       “You need a break. C’mon,” she said, sitting on the edge your bed, “I brought food... and more hot glue sticks.”

       “Yes!” You smiled, hopping up. You shoved your backpack from it’s spot, sitting cross-legged as you took one of the Chipotle cups from her.

       Christine sat on your bed, unfolding the bag as she hands you your usual order. You thank her and almost immediately break into your food. Sometimes you wonder how you ended up with such a great friend, considering she lets you copy off her work without question during your sleepless weeks and memorized your order (not that you haven’t done the same, but still). Then again, ten years of friendship have made the two of you this close. Sleepovers and doing theatre together until high school - when you decided you didn’t like doing it as much - and movie nights where the two of you screamed at stupid horror movies or shifted uncomfortably at random sex scenes or jammed out to movie musicals; all built up your friendship over the years, even if there were a few fights from time to time. In the end, you two were closer than anyone else you two knew.

      “Jake asked me to come to his Halloween party on Friday,” she said as she opened the container containing her own order.

       “And?”

      “I think I might go.” She shrugged, “he’s so sweet, [y/n]. He suggested that we go as prince and princess.”

      “That’s cute,” you smiled, “do you still have that-”

      “Renaissance costume? Yeah,” she smiled, “it still fits! I mean, it was only a year ago, but still.”

      “Well... have fun, I guess,” you shrugged. She stared at you.

      “I was... actually going to take you with me? Jake said it’d be okay, and you’ve been pretty stressed about all the costumes, and I just thought you could use a night out-”

       You traced circles into the condensation forming on the cup, awkwardly taking a sip. You did have a costume, so it wasn’t like you weren’t prepared. Albeit it be based off of a video game character, it was still something. “People are gonna say I’m a geek.”

      “So? People know that I’m a theatre geek. Besides, if anyone says anything, at least you have the satisfaction that you made your costume yourself!”

       You eyed the pair of long-fall boots in the corner of your room, the portal gun you’d ordered resting against them. Maybe you’d at least ditch the portal gun for Halloween - you didn’t want to risk damaging it, considering the house would probably be full of drunk teenagers. You looked back to Christine.

      “I’ll go if we can have movie night on Saturday. Me, you, and a couple bags of discount Halloween candy,” you brushed a lock of hair behind your ear. 

       “No horror movies,” she said. You frowned.

      “Fiiine. No Singing in the Rain.”

       She was taken aback, “but [y/n]-” She paused, “actually, I have something better. I’ll pick you up.”

       The backyard was the quietest place, for some strange reason. The music wasn’t threatening to knock pictures and paintings off of the walls, there wasn’t the blazing heat of a hundred teenager bodies - quite the opposite, in fact, and you were wishing you brought some sort of jacket - and the lighting was dim. Sure, it wasn’t dead silent - people littering the porch and lounging around the pool (or, if they didn’t care enough, they stripped down to next to nothing and jumped into the icy water before letting out a scream at how fucking cold it is), but it wasn’t too much. You sat in a porch swing, hugging a pillow and swaying back and forth as you wondered where Christine was. Maybe you’d convince her to leave a bit earlier than the two of you had planned, and you’d crash in her bed since fuck the couch, the couch is always cold. 

        The swing suddenly jerked back, sending you immediately gripping onto the back and arm. When you turned to confront the fuck that decided to throw themselves into the spot next to you, you were met with the familiar face of a certain boy who asked you if you realized how ‘this’ looked when you measured him. He sort of grinned at you, as you sink back into your spot, clutching the pillow closer to your chest. Just what you needed: Rich Goranski.

        “Y’know, I didn’t expect to see you here,” he began suddenly, not caring to greet you, “but Christine n’ Jake both mentioned you were around here somewhere, so...”

        “I’m taking a break.” You ran your thumb over the corner of the pillow. “From costumes,” you added on, “Christine’s making me.”

        He nodded and smiled again. “Good. You deserve to let loose sometimes.” He paused, “who are you?” You looked at him, before he just gestured toward your body.

        You glanced down to your costume. “Just a video game character.”

        He didn’t respond at first, but the moment your attention drifted back to the pillow, he spoke. “That’s cool. I’m Jason,” he said, “from the movies? Friday the 13th?” The mask gleamed in the low light from overhead, and you could barely see the red streak peeking out slightly from underneath it, boldly standing out against golden brown.

        You sort of smile. “I know. I like horror movies.”

        “You do?” He sounded genuinely surprised. You didn’t blame him, honestly - especially with the reaction you had earlier when all he really did was sit next to you.

        “Yeah. I mean, I get fucking terrified, but they’re still good.”

        He chuckled a little, reaching up and pushing at the edge of the slipping mask, poising it back at the top of his head, “you wanna grab a drink?”

        “I’m fine.”

        Rich pressed his lips together, obviously not expecting you to reject his offer. He pushed back slightly, basically swaying the swing back and forth slowly. “You do costume shit often?”

        You had to admit - you weren’t fond of his word choice. But you shouldered your thoughts, squirming uncomfortably against the wood, “yeah. Kind of my passion.” You nearly decided against it, but you were already speaking, “I made this,” you gestured slightly toward your outfit. “And the boots, too,” you tapped your fingers against the metal curving out of the back.

        He didn’t speak, just staring. “Can I?” He reached out a hand. You slowly nod.

        You barely knew Rich Goranski - at least, personally. He sprung up during sophomore year and was Jake’s friend, and has slept with numerous girls if the rumors surrounding him were anything to go by. Plenty of people didn’t catch his attention - you and Christine were never the object of his eye, as were many of your friends - but the ones that did seemed to be the popular, gorgeous girls that seemed fawned about by everyone. You heard about how he was one of those guys who’s focus was basically getting into girls’ pants and to watch out because his fingers like to roam or some bullshit.

        But here he sat, right next to you, tracing over the detail of your boots. His attention didn’t wander to your thighs or chest or anything, and a smile tugged at the corners of your lips as he let out the softest gasp at the metal curve of the brace of the boots. Rich seemed genuinely interested, soaking in every part of what would be a complete cosplay if you had your portal gun - and heck, you kind of regret not bringing it if your boots were enough to stun him. For a moment, the cool Rich Goranski who makes stupid sexual comments faded away. For a moment, you saw someone else.

       And within a moment, his hand jerked back and he was gone. He leaned back, gave you a half of a grin, and eased back into his usual cocky, too cool for this shit persona. “I’ll, uh, see you later,” he stood, the swing drawing back a little too quickly.

        The swing threw itself forward, and you nearly fell out if it weren’t for Rich, quickly catching you by the shoulders, his fingers warm against your bare skin. He chuckled softly, tracing circles in your skin with his thumb.

        “You alright?” He said softly. You dumbly nodded, movements slow as you leaned back. He smiled again, and for a split second, you swore you saw the fainted, thinnest pattern of a circuit creep onto his features, etched out across his freckled cheeks ever so faintly. “Good. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to someone as cute as you.”

        His touch lingered a few seconds more before he stepped away, making another comment about how he’ll see you later. The warmth of his touch seemed to haunt your skin, the circles he traced feeling as if it had been tattooed there, just as a reminder that that was real and Rich had just been talking to you. You dismissed the thoughts quickly, standing slowly and stretching, bones popping softly. You’d find Christine and see if you two could leave. Passing out in Christine’s room sounded amazing, and the promise of sleep sounded like it might be able to wash off the ghost of a touch.

        You eventually found her on the couch, talking to some kid in a cyborg costume - Jeremy? You remembered his face and his body too well, honestly, but his name seemed to slip your mind - albeit it looked more like he just wore a onesie to the party as a last minute option. You couldn’t really judge - he seemed happy. Whether it be from the fact he was talking to Christine, because who wouldn’t be happy talking to Christine, or because he was at this party or because whatever, you couldn’t be sure.

        “Hey, [y/n]!” She smiled, “you remember Jeremy, right?”

        Awkward kid that kept getting nervous when measured below the belt. “Yeah. Hi,” you said, sinking into the spot next to Christine, waving at Jeremy. He sort of awkwardly smiles - that sort of smile that’s just oozing with damn it her friend is here. The sort of shit you often saw in movies.

        “Anyway, you were saying?” Christine said, looking back to Jeremy.

        He stared, looking from her to you before deciding on whatever he was about to say. “I was wondering if, uh, you wanted to go out with me?”

        Oh shit, he actually went for it. You looked to Christine, before snagging the keys out of your pocket after seeing how tense she had immediately grown. You whispered, “I’ll go get the car. Meet you in five.” And left the living room as quickly as you could.

        Thirty minutes later and you’re almost to Christine’s house, listening to her ramble about how Jeremy used to be kind of a sweetheart in the past - he didn’t really talk to her, but he was “kind of adorkable” whenever she saw him. Awkward, but adorkable. And now he’s changed and he’s changed from a dork to a dick sometimes, being one of the popular boys who hangs out with Rich and Jake. 

        You ditched your boots in the car, following her into her house, listening to her now talk about the shit that Jake pulled and how she dumped him after seeing that he wasn’t over Chloe. Within the next few thirty, you had showered and had donned the comfiest of pajamas and crawled into bed next to Christine.

        When you woke up, she was crying.

       “It’s Jake.”

        buzz

       “They’re saying Rich burned down his house-”

        buzz

       “Jake had to jump out of a window-”

        buzz

        buzz

        “[y/n]-”

        You took her phone, it buzzing to life endlessly against your palm. Rumors were flying, blocked by your palm “hey, c’mon. Halloween candy, movie day. Singin’ In the Rain. Alright?”

        Her arms were wrapped around you within seconds, her face hot with tears and buried in your neck. “... Yeah. Alright.” She felt your arms wrap around her, and you peek at her screen. Numbers she didn’t know, numbers you’d never recognize, kept spitting rapid-fire across the screen. 

       You shut off her phone. Sure, none of it was directed toward her, but jesus it was a lot to take in - especially because you knew where Christine’s mind was, even if it wasn’t an active thought. There went multiple roles - roles she and Mr.Reyes probably couldn’t handle alone. You traced circles in the thin fabric of her shirt.

        “Everything will be alright.”

       click click click

      “He-ey, [y/n]!”

       click click click

       Was it rude to speed up when the other person was on crutches? Well... at least you had somewhat of a reason. You were Christine’s friend, and you still weren’t completely sure how she felt about him - so you’d play it safe and avoid him as best as you can. But you slowed eventually, turning to face him, smiling a little.

       “Hey, Jake,” you said, awkwardly shoving your hands into the pockets of your dress, rocking slightly on your heels. “... How are you?”

        He doesn’t seemed phased by the fact you were kind of ignoring him, but smiles ever brighter now that you are talking to him. “I’m great!”

        For a second, you swore he didn’t even realize he broke both of his legs. “That’s good.” You sort of smiled, “where’s Chloe?” Fuck, why did you ask that-

       “I’m... not really sure. Probably with Brooke,” he said, “hey, have you finished any of my costumes?”

       “You’re still in the play?” You asked slowly, before he nodded.

       “Yeah! It’s been pretty great, and I can still do most of my stuff, so... why not?”

        You nodded slowly, “I’ll talk to Mr.Reyes about a costume parade tomorrow, since almost everything's done,” dear fuck, was that a lie, “and I’ll make any fixes necessary!”

        Jake nodded, still smiling. He had no idea what a costume parade was, did he? Whatever - he was smiling and he’d learn eventually.

        Time to buy as many energy drinks and stay up finishing every costume you could. Scratch that, finish every costume because you needed to. Would Christine probably get mad you were pushing yourself like that? Probably. Were you going to tell her? Nope. At least, not until after everything was done.

       “Tomorrow I won’t be here to help you all with costume changes.” You announced, standing next to a rack of costumes backstage, “so I ask that you all please be careful and to help each other if possible. Yes, you might miss a cue since this will be the first time,” you ignore the look Christine gave you, “but I will be here specifically to help with the quick changes after that. I’ve spent weeks making these costumes with quick changes in mind,” you plucked Jeremy’s reversible off of a hanger, “which is why I’ve kept most things simple and things that don’t need much help getting in and out of. For example, this-” you hold up the jacket- “is what’s called a reversible.”

        You slid your arms into it, it hanging slightly longer due to Jeremy being a bit of a string bean, “on one side, it looks like this. But,” you removed the article of clothing, flipping it inside out, “it becomes this when reversed. Hence the name: reversible.”

        At the lack of questions, you went on. “I assume you all have been informed of the costume parade? Basically, all you all will be doing is trying on your costumes and I’ll be discussing any changes that need to be made. Understood?” You barely had any reaction, before forcing another smile and continuing, “good! I’ll be sitting out in the audience, so just come line up at the front of the stage when you’re all in your first costumes.”

        At the lack of any protests, you were out n the audience, planted in a seat next to the kid who does lighting - Josh. He didn’t look up, eyes pinned to the phone in his hand as he switched from app to app, not really giving a shit. Eventually, after moments of dreadful silence, he looked over to yu and smiled a little.

       “Costume girl, right?” He said, and you realized the smile had been more of a smirk, as if he was planning something. You shrugged off the thought - he wouldn’t be that stupid, messing with any of your costumes... unless he had a death wish.

       “Yeah. Lighting boy, right?” You replied. If he wasn’t going to even ask your name, you wouldn’t use his.

        But he chuckled. “Yeah. Right.” He looked back to his phone. “So I hear you and Jake are... something.”

        What the fuck. “We aren’t? Where did you-”

       “I dunno. I don’t just ask a cute guy’s best friend shit about how to woo him when I like him,” he shrugged, “I get my friends to do that shit so that I don’t fuck it up halfway through saying his name.”

       “That doesn’t mean-”

        He cut you off, “plus, not naming any names, but a certain someone kept blabbing about how Jake never shuts up about you sometimes.”

        You rested your hands in your lap. How many times had you and Jake actually talked? Then again, how many times had he and Christine said a word to each other?

        Jake was cute - you couldn’t deny that. But... did you really know him? At all? The question weighed down on you - and to no one but Christine, it was obvious you were distracted as you made small comments about each costume. You all but completely skipped over Jake, dealing with the thought that he was talking about you proving to be more difficult that you first hoped. Soon enough, you packed up your shit and left, practically dashing to the school parking lot, jamming your key inside the car and throwing your shit into the passenger seat.

        Jesus, fuck, you needed to be alone. Just for the rest of the day. You had plans you had to take care of tomorrow.

        The hospital was quiet, the only noise being the soft bustle of nurses and family members or friends and such. Your steps felt like they were echoing around you, your bag hanging low on your back as you searched for Rich’s room. Eventually you find it, knocking softly first before slowly pushing the door open and slowly walking in. The lights were dim and you almost left, only to end up lingering for a moment. Was he asleep? Or... had he not woken up?

        The pale light of a cloudy morning flooded in the room, brushing over Rich’s features and causing the faintest glint of light to reflect onto the floor from one of the balloons. You felt like an intruder, standing in near silence as  Rich breathed, burn scars creeping slightly up his neck and into sight. How badly was he hurt? Hell, how did the fire even start? He was fine when he was talking to you, wasn’t he? Fuck if you knew. Part of you was glad that you and Christine had left earlier - but still rested the pit of dread in your that maybe you could have stopped this or something. Maybe you could have helped him, even if you weren’t sure how. The gentle, doe-like eyes that greeted you as he stared in wonder at your effort, your sleepless nights, your patience - all wrapped up in a pair of fancy cosplay boots. His eyes were burned into your memory.

        You should go. Maybe you could come back in a few hours and maybe Rich would be awake-

       “.... [y/n]?”

        It was broken through a yawn, but Rich had definitely called your name. You turned away from the door, and his eyes were on you, squinting as he tried to make out your features before he suddenly smiled at the sight of you. You sort of smile awkwardly, walking in but pausing a the light switch, reaching up only to be stopped by Rich.

       “Don’t. I... like it dark in here.”

        Whatever. His decision, right? Your hand fell back to your side slowly, and eventually you walked over to his bed. You hesitated to speak at first, but finally settled on the only question you could muster up, s you wrapped your fingers around the straps of your bad awkwardly. “... How have you been?”

        He frowned slightly. Oof. Probably not the best question to ask. He answered with a soft, “I’m here.”

       “A lot of people miss you,” you said, cautiously sitting at the foot of his bed, ready to move back up if necessary. He doesn’t say anything about it. “If anyone wanted to find your locker, they could. A lot of notes and shit are all over it,” you forced a smile. “It’s really sweet, honestly.”

        He doesn’t respond at first. Rich just sat there, eyes on you as he tried to think of something - anything - to say. Gone was that cocky, flirtatious exterior for a moment. He was unsure, trying to muster up any words. “What have they been saying about me?”

        Holy shit, Rich Goranski has a lisp. You sort of smiled at the thought - what a cutie. “Different shit. I... think there’s a couple people try to curve the rumors, but-”

       “Yeah. I get it.” He frowned.

       “Rich?” You were going to regret it, you knew it, but you couldn’t shake the desire to ask. “What happened?”

        He doesn’t answer again. 

        “The play’s going well,’ you said, breaking the silence.

        “Good. Is... Chirstine mad about-”

        You cut him off quickly, “no! Definitely not, dude. No one could be mad at you.”

       “What about Jake?”

       “Jake’s... Jake. He hasn’t been holding anything against you, honestly,” you said slowly.

       “How’s Jeremy?” He suddenly asks.

       “Jeremy? He’s... still Jeremy, I guess.”

       “Alright.” He paused, studying your face. How tired did you look? Fuck, you knew you should have put on something - just enough makeup to cover the bags under your eyes at least. “Have you been sleeping?”

        You tensed at the question. Maybe not as much as you should... Fuck, you downed a energy drink just an hour ago to give you the strength to live through Sunday and not sleep until five in the afternoon.

        Apparently, your silence was enough of an answer. “Go home and sleep,” he said softly, “I’ll still be here, i-if you want to come back-”

       “Yeah. I’ll be here the day after the show.” You stand, “we can talk more then, alright?”

        He nodded. He wanted to say something, but he left the words unsaid as you slowly leave the room. He looked over to the bear sitting on the table next to his bed, and frowned. “Fuck.”

        Jake missed one of his cues the first night you helped him. Could he help it? He had a cute girl helping him in and out of his costumes. He liked the way you’d gently smooth out a wrinkle in a shirt or the way you’d smile after making sure everything was right. Was it stupid that he thought about your fingertips running across his chest as you blindly found the edge of his jacket, and that the fact your arms were around him for barely a minute drove him crazy? Fuck, he wasn’t sure, but you were cute and it distracted him because you were so serious about this and he didn’t wanna mess up but how could he focus when he had a cutie like you hanging around him, specifically there for him. Everyone else was fine on their own for the most part - maybe you had to zip up Brooke’s dress and help Jenna at least once, but other than that, you were the center of his attention.

        Was it bad that he really liked that? Fuck if he knew.

        He was going to ask you out. Sbarro? Sbarro. Sbarro was a good option - who didn’t like pizza? He at least knew you did, considering one night Mr.Reyes ordered pizza for all of you before the second run through of the night. Then again, maybe Sbarro wasn’t a good idea then - you’d probably be tired of pizza. Maybe just the mall in general - he’ll try to pay for you if he can and maybe you two could just talk and maybe there wouldn’t be someone to steal the attention away with their performance art. 

        Did that sound needy? Fuck, it probably did. He’ll have to figure out how to ask you out. Hopefully Christine didn’t say anything to you - then again, she didn’t seem like the person to, and... she was oddly okay with him subtly bringing up the idea of dating you.

        "I can’t believe it,” you hissed softly, “I spent weeks making costumes - and now Jeremy doesn’t even fucking show up!”

        Jake frowned. You were pissed. 

       “I mean, Jake, you broke both of your legs and you’re here. I just... I don’t know,” you murmured. Your gaze fell to the floor, your arms crossed across your chest as you held back tears. You worked so fucking long and Jeremy just straight up blew off the entire play. Now Mr.Reyes had to make time to get through Rich’s changes, and Jeremy’s and-

        Jake’s hand was on your cheek. “Hey,” he cooed softly, “it’ll be alright. Jeremy will be here - he wouldn’t blow off something this important.”

        You looked up at him and he was blown away. God, you had beautiful eyes. “You think so?”

       “Yeah!” He smiled, slowly tearing his hand away from your cheek, gripping the handgrip tightly. He hesitated for once, unsure about the timing, but decided hes go for it. “Hey, [y/n]? I was wondering if maybe you’d-”

       “Jeremy!”

        The two of you looked up as Jeremy strolled in, usurping your attention away from him. He could tell it was taking everything to prevent yourself from marching over to him and chewing him out. Maybe he’d tell you after the show - give you time to calm down since you were practically burning, hatred oozing out of every pore. He watched as you stared, watching Jeremy talk to Christine, holding up something before watching her turn and walk away from him.

        “Places for scene two, people!”

        Jake left you standing alone, seething as you stared down Jeremy. If looks could kill… Jake left you after a few moments, hesitating slightly.

        You kept staring at Jeremy. Something was off. He seemed… anxious, uncertainty beginning to practically drip from every inch of him, his hands still clutching some pink shoe-box he had drawn out of his bag. What was wrong with him? He used to be different - acting cool and so sure, save for Halloween night. He moved, intending on running out on stage - something that’d ruin the show for sure - and before you could stop him, Mr.Reyes was already there, hand curled around his arm, fingers digging in and likely leaving bruises. He spat something in his face, only to push him back, exiting onto the stage.

        “[y/n]!” He said, voice shrill as he grabbed you by the shoulders. “You haven’t drank from that beaker, right?”

        You’re confused, staring him down. “Dude, that’s a prop - I’m not going to-”

        “Good! Fuck, I need you to go out there and take the beaker-”

        “Jeremy, that’d ruin the show for Christine, I can’t-”

        “No, you don’t understand-”

        “I’m sorry that some of us care about the show! Seriously, call time was an hour ago and you’re late-”

        “[y/n], I wouldn’t-”

        You were caught off guard by the sound of Brooke’s voice becoming rougher as she spoke her lines, filled with an newfound passion. You looked back to Jeremy. “What. Did. You. Do.”

        He tensed immediately, “I need you to get that beaker.”

        You nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

        He tore away from you. You’d apologize to Christine later, as you crept into the shadows of the curtains, putting on the headset, hearing soft humming.

        “Josh?”

        He’s immediately quiet, “huhwhat-” and, you assume, scrambling to sit up. “What? You aren’t supposed to be on here-”

        “I need a blackout on stage.”

        “Uh… it’s not the end of the scene? I mean, I’d do it but I don’t have a death wish right now since my life’s been pretty baller-”

        “Fuck, Josh, I need-”        The door swung open, and in strolled some nerdy looking guy with glasses and a red hoodie, holding up a bottle of red soda. You nearly snapped at him if it weren’t for the relief that immediately washed over Jeremy. You grew silent as you watched the two talk, Josh questioning everything as you then watched Jeremy go near silent before beginning to attack his friend - Michael, you were pretty sure. You whipped off the headset, tossing it down as you went to try and stop him.

        “Jeremy! What the hell-” You managed to say, only to be met with the cold wooden floor seconds later.

        He had shoved you away, before he tearing himself away from Michael. “It’s taking over my body,” he said, “I need your help - I’m sorry!”

        Michael was immediately after him, managing to somewhat hold him down. He nearly spoke to you if it weren’t for the familiar click of Jake’s crutches - and maybe it was better than he ask Jake, considering how Jeremy flailed against Michael’s grasp and considering you probably wouldn’t have been able to do shit with Jeremy writhing like that.

        “Jake! This is gonna sound weird but -” he was cut off for a moment, tightening his grip around Jeremy’s wrist as he struggled, “if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?” He didn’t wait for an answer before tossing the bottle over to him, immediately returning to the task of keeping Jeremy down.

        Jake stared at the bottle, eyes catching a glimpse of you. He looked back to Michael, “actually… that doesn’t sound weird at all.”

        Pain overtook him, spiraling through his head as the bottle slipped from his grasp. His head hung low with his face scrunched in pain, before it suddenly evaporated from his features, and he looked up. He felt…

        Pretty fucking amazing, honestly.

        “Jake?” You said softly, standing as you stepped over. “Are you alright?”

        When he looked back up to you, you recognized everything. The familiar, faint circuit pattern you swore you had seen on Rich seemed to disappear within seconds. And he smiled at you, unnerving you completely as he reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair out of your face.

        “[y/n], I feel boss.” He didn’t stop smiling. Dear god. “No,” he said quickly, “I feel more than that. Here, watch-” He said, throwing down his crutches. You nearly scrambled to pick them up if it weren’t for Jake stopping you. “Don’t. I don’t need them anymore.”

        Jeremy piped up softly, staring at the phenomenon before him. “It… healed your legs?”

        Jake only chuckled softly, “no! But I can’t feel the pain anymore - it’s awesome!” He smiled, “you could be like this too, y’know. Painless,” he lowered his voice as he looked to you, “happy. [y/n], you could be pretty boss with-”

        “What’s wrong with me now?” You said, staring at him.

         He seemed at a loss for words for a second. “Nothing! But you could be more-”

        “Jake,” you tore away from him slightly, “I’m fine with the way I am. I don’t need,” you motioned toward his head, “whatever you have to change me.”

        He seemed rejected. The moment Brooke and Chloe walked in, however, you had stumbled into his arms, scared from the sudden appearance. He didn’t feel content, though. There you were, in his arms, warm underneath his touch, and he didn’t feel as good as he should feel. 

       The voice in his head snapped at him. Kiss her, was spat into his ear, or... get her the Mountain Dew yourself. She’ll be much happier if you-

       Then you were gone, out of his arms as you moved out of the way of everything - trying your best to avoid anything. Everything. You were fucking terrified and it showed in your eyes and in the way your arms were folded too tightly across your chest as you only took in everything that occurred before you. Michael had sprinted out after seeing the bottle resting at Jake’s feet, the pool of red soda hiding in the bottom. When the other four circled around him, you broke out of your spot, shoving past them.

        “Michael!” You had cried, arms ending up around him as the two of you fell back. When the group parted around you, you were awkwardly squished against him, both of you completely disheveled. You didn’t notice Jake’s eyes pinned to you, the voice in his head cooing it’s bullshit as it mocked him because look at her, she’s all over Mell - she probably likes Michael because Michael Mell is a loser who likes video games and Michael wasn’t like him-

       �� When Christine walked backstage, she was positively glowing. You went to say something, only to realize there was something so fucking wrong and that wasn’t Christine. She was too rehearsed - as if every step had been laid out in front of her, every motion planned down to the exact millisecond, her smile plastered onto her face as she approached Jeremy. She said something to him, and he just stared in awe. You balled your fists, Michael’s hoodie becoming crumpled in your hands. He reached up, fingers brushing over your arm.

        “[y/n], right?” He said softly, “look, fuck, I’m sorry-”

        You watched Christine lift the bottle to her lips, drinking. And then she screeched. One right after another - Chloe, then Brooke, then Jake, Mr.Reyes, then Jenna - and finally, Jeremy. And then they all collapsed around you, leaving you and Michael to cling to each other as you two let out a scream.

        Well. You two were fucked.

        A month later, your friend group had grown from just Christine and a couple other people to include not only Jake and Rich, but the rest of the play’s cast. Jeremy and Michael were giant nerds and you actually had plans to go to a con with them, them maybe also in cosplay if they could pull something together in time. The three of you spent the day sending endless selfies to the group chat of you all in last minute cosplays. At some point you fell asleep in the backseat of Michael’s car, and when you checked the group chat later, found a picture with “she slep” underneath it. You expected to see some sort of comments from anyone else, but only saw a “let her slep” from Christine. You shrugged it off.

        At least, you did until Rich was sitting at the end of your bed one day, watching you sew a dress for a Zelda cosplay you’d been planning for months. It was only in the bare bones stage, but he was entranced with your fluid motions. He was supposed to be focused on math homework, pestering you with questions over content if he needed it. Heck, that’s why he was there - you were going to tutor him unless he waved you off, telling you to work on your cosplay and he’ll ask questions if he needs it. But he ended up getting through two problems before he gave up, watching your face as you furrowed your brow, humming softly as you continued to work. Fuck, the amount of concentration you had was adorable.

        … Adorable? No. No, you weren’t adorable. Well, you were, but you and Rich were only friends. He liked Jake, didn’t he? Jake was cute and tall and kind of interested in him except neither of them made a move toward each other because… because.

        Because Jake was conflicted. Rich didn’t know it, and neither did you, honestly -  but Jake often sat between the two of you, his heart aflutter in his chest as he realized almost daily that he was absolutely smitten with the both of you. But he was convinced you didn’t like him - you liked Michael because Michael was kind of a dork and you were kind of a dork and why wouldn’t you like Michael? Michael didn’t try to convince you to change yourself. Michael didn’t try to convince you that you could be better if you took some… weird thing that caused a voice in his head - hell, he still wasn’t sure what happened that day. But he remembered what you told him, burning with anger as you recounted the shit he said to you only to realize that wasn’t him and profusely apologize. 

        Jake liked you. Jake liked Rich.

        Rich liked you. Rich liked Jake. 

        You liked Jake. You liked Rich.

        Fuck.

        And there you sat, Rich’s eyes practically burning a hole in your back as you worked, not knowing that you were busy shoving thoughts about how soft his hair looked sometimes and how you kind of wondered what it’d be like to kiss him out of mind. He didn’t know your fingers fumbled and that you sort of ended up nicking your skin - not terrible, but breaking the skin enough that there was a bead of blood as you hissed. You heard the clatter of Rich’s binder hitting the floor, breaking up as he’s beside you within seconds, taking your hand in his own.

        “I’m fine,” you mumbled, “sorry-”

        “Fuck, hold on- where are the band-aids?” He said. You stared at him, before softly chuckling.

        “I’ll be fine, Rich. It was just a little nick.”

        He stared at your finger, before his eyes met yours after a moment of hesitation, “you sure?”

        You couldn’t help but smile - was he worried about you? “I’ll be fine, dude. Unless you wanna kiss it and make it better or some shit,” you laughed softly.

        Dear god, did you not know how much he wouldn’t mind doing that? Even as fucking joke, it was probably the closest he’d get to kissing you honestly. He couldn’t fucking help staring at you and wondering what it’d be like to smash his lips against yours and run his hands through your hair or what it’d be like to explore every inch of your skin. His thoughts kept running elsewhere and you chuckled as your attention wandered elsewhere. What were you-

        “You should probably clean up your binder, Rich.”

        He followed your line of sight, only to find that his math binder had snapped open upon hitting the floor, papers askew. He sort of smiled, the warmth of his fingers leaving yours as he walked over, picking it up and throwing it onto your bed. He carelessly snatched up his papers, not caring whether shit got folded or crumpled as he shoved it all into the open plastic - he’d just fix it later, probably.

        “Did you finish your work?” You asked softly, bouncing on your heels. He looked to you, swiftly nodding -which was a lie, but you didn’t know that.

        Before you knew it, he shoved his messy folder back into his backpack and left you, making up some excuse about how he needed to get home or whatever. He was gone before you could protest in any form, not giving you a chance to muster up any possible excuse for him to stay a bit longer.

        And you had to wonder. What made him leave so quickly?

        “So… let me get this straight. You like Rich.”

        “Mmhmm.” 

        “But you also like Jake?” 

        You turned over, resting on your stomach as you watched Christine look through her closet, trying to find a cute shirt. “... Yeah.”

        “Why don’t you tell them that?”

        “Christine-”

        “No, [y/n],” she said, “tell them that you like both of them?”

        “Christiiiine,” you whined, “then I’m gonna ruin everything because they probably don’t even like me or - if they did, I can’t have two boyfriends, can I?” 

       “Who says you can’t?” She shrugged, pulling out a black shirt with flowers on it. “It’s called polyamory-”

        “I know about polyamory,” you cut her off, “but I don’t know about Rich or Jake- I mean, they’d probably laugh at the idea, right?”

        She frowned as she looked back to you, “why don’t you just… ask them?” 

       “Christine-”

        “Just… try?”

        What you didn’t know was that Christine knew. Jake and Rich trusted her enough - and honestly, who didn’t trust Christine? She was an angel and you often considered yourself blessed to be her best friend, honestly. Jake came to her days before you did, mentioning something about how you were cute and vaguely mentioning Rich in the same, love struck way. Rich, on the other hand, had been blunt - asking her for advice straight out only to be told the exact same thing she told you: to talk to both of you.

        The situation was this: you definitely weren’t going to make the first move. That means you had to actually mention the idea and kind of confess your feelings for the both of them and essentially make the first move, which was just a thought that absolutely terrified you. Rich wasn’t going to say anything either - more out of the fact he wasn’t sure how to bring up the idea that he’d basically be down for banging both of you (without saying it like that, since he wasn’t sure how you’d take it considering he was... kinda serious about it) without blurting it out. And Jake wasn’t going to say anything, mainly out of the uncertainty about how to bring up the topic at some point.

        So that left Christine with the decision that she’d try to push the three of you together, with some help. She may have vaguely mentioned the idea to Jeremy, and eventually managed to convince the rest of the group to get on board with this little scheme. They’d find a way to push the three of you together, since it was beginning to get blatantly obvious that there were mutual feelings between the three of you.

        One day, you and Jake and Rich ended up at the mall all at the same time, the rest of the group nowhere to be found. Then one-by-one, texts came in, an excuse given to why the rest of them weren’t there. Sure, it was weird, but Rich won you and Jake stuffed bears out of a claw machine after betting that he could beat the machine, and the three of you ended up getting pretzels so the trip wasn’t a waste at all.

        One night you ended up sitting in Jake’s hotel room with both of them, watching some crappy movie. You forgot about the homework due the next day, the impending weight of a test in a few days or weeks, the world outside passing by. For once, you were content. Rich was happy, his head in your lap as you absentmindedly messed with his hair - which was definitely as soft as you thought it would be, honestly, what is his secret? And Jake had rested an arm around you, pulling you closer to him slightly, his other hand resting near Rich’s. You’d barely remember the movie, as you sort of sunk into Jake, his warmth lulling you to sleep. Rich looked up as he noticed you slowing to a stop, your head resting on Jake’s shoulder. He couldn’t lie - he was pretty sleepy too, but the sight of you snoozing away was adorable.

        The next morning, you woke up tangled up with Rich and Jake, the awkward imprint of a zipper going down one of your cheeks, and Rich’s arms around your waist and his face pressed against your back. You didn’t want to move - the both of them sleeping soundly. So you didn’t - or at least, you avoided moving as much as you could. You only listened - the rise and fall of Jake’s chest underneath you, his breathing soft and quiet, and Rich at your back, shifting in his sleep, snuggling closer to you. Everything felt tranquil, as if the world wasn’t bustling outside with the business of morning. As if the only three people that existed were you and Jake and Rich. You smiled a little - because, well, that was a thought. Eventually you shut your eyes and somehow managed to realize one thing.

        You loved both of them.

        The group was conflicted. Because on one hand, the three of you were extremely close and seemed like everything had been resolved and that this was happening. On the other hand, none of you said a word about any of it. No announcement that hey we’re all dating, that’s cool right of any sort, no kisses, nothing that would give anything away. Because, apparently, you three weren’t dating. No matter how much Rich’s hands rested at you and Jake’s hips, sometimes squeezing gently to get any sort of a reaction from the both of you - usually a gentle nudge from you while Jake would become slightly flustered and glance down to Rich. You had the habit of bringing the two of them little things more often than anyone else - setting down one of Rich’s favorite energy drinks in front of him on the days he needed it, or bringing them both coffee and muffins in the morning. Jake would get invested in what you or Rich was doing - plans, current problems, anything and everything. 

        So then there was a bet. Christine said you weren’t dating officially, and Jeremy sided with her. Jenna had bet that it was just a secret. Michael shrugged and said it hasn’t happened - and after a moment, Brooke agreed. Chloe didn’t bother to look up from her phone, hanging onto every word.

       “Why would they hide it from us?”

       ���I dunno, maybe they’re just nervous-”

       “Rich would have blurted it out by now, and [y/n] tells Christine everything.”

       “Exactly!”

       “[y/n] doesn’t tell me everything. She still has her secrets and I have mine-”

       “Christine, we all know that’s bullshit.”

       “Oh my god, they’re dating,” Chloe said, breaking the conversation up, “and Jake’s not going to say anything about it yet because this is new to him. Rich respects that, and [y/n] obviously wants to tell Christine but she doesn’t want to ruin everything. Let. It. Go.”

        The first time Rich had kissed you was after a convention. You had just gotten back to your house, fumbling with yours keys when he had turned you to face him, smashing his lips against yours. Your keys hit the ground, your hands finding their way into his hair and he tugged you closer to him. It was sloppy and quick, but you didn’t care. Thirty minutes later, you were curled up  with your head on his chest and dressed in the softest pajamas, looking up at the phone in his hand as he texted Jake to get his ass over here. 

       The first time you and Jake kissed was the following morning as the two of you were up before Rich and the house was empty, so breakfast seemed like a good idea. Besides, Jake had bragged enough about his boss cooking skills, it was time to put them to the test. So while Jake searched your fridge for ingredients, you sat on the kitchen island, humming as you watched him. At one point the two of you began making small little comments toward each other, before Jake ended up standing between your legs, forehead against yours. You had closed the distance, pressing your lips against his for a quick, gentle kiss.

       A gentle kiss that ended with Jake all but on top of you, hungrily kissing you. Rich swinging into the kitchen was what broke you two up. He chuckled, made some comment as he walked over, getting a quick kiss from Jake - and then another from you - before the three of you teamed up to make breakfast.

       And by team up, you and Rich watched Jake make pancakes.

       The group found out one day when you had accidentally sent a selfie into the group chat, Rich in the background with a dog that was definitely too big to be called a puppy, captioned with “jake our bf is paying more attention to this puppy than me and i dont blame him” and then a quick “ hurry up and get here before we buy a dog love you” before you shoved your phone in your pocket. You realized your mistake the moment there was a symphony of buzzes and chimes, and you saw literally everyone but Jake or Rich.

       “Rich?” You croaked, pulling his attention as your nerves bundled themselves tightly, your hands shaking, “Rich, fuck-”

        He was up and to you within seconds, “babe? You alright?” He said softly, only to look to your phone once you held it up. “Wait-”

       “Rich, Jake didn’t want us to say anything and I fucked up and texted the group chat and not him a-and he’s going to hate me-”

        So Rich did what he could: he called Jake, and within the next hour, the three of you were sitting on the bed in near silence. Phones kept buzzing will calls every so often - Christine being the most predominant of the names that popped up. Jake wrapped an arm around you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. He wasn’t mad - you didn’t mean to and he saw how upset you were over the entire thing. Sure, the three of you probably would have waited a lot longer to say anything to the group, but at least that wasn’t a problem anymore, right? That picture of Rich was cute.

       Speaking of Rich, he had been the first one to break, checking his phone. After all, everyone could learn to love the real Richard Goranski and his lovers. Instead of happiness or anger, you and Jake were met with Rich’s silence. When you looked, you saw why.

       First came a chorus of “i knew it” in varying forms, before then there was the realization that none of you had responded. Then the chat turned to love: Christine beginning with saying she supported you three, and then there was just messages upon messages of how they supported the three of you, that they wouldn’t go parading this around the school because who the fuck would do that, that they’d all be here when you all finally decided to say something.

       You had to wonder how you came to have so many people like this in your life. First Christine, who you had years of friendship solidifying your bond stronger than steel. Now you had two boyfriends who you adored more than anything, a constellation of pure love developed between you three as you had nights where you three would just sit around and watch dumb movies and eat pizza while making stupid jokes, or dates around the town where the three of you played Pokemon Go and argued about who’s team was better over lunch. The days where you and Rich would find Jake at work, making jokes about how he worked at Dick’s Sporting Goods (one time of which Jake responded with how Rich is “sporting goods,” which ended that conversation as you laughed and Rich grew flustered) or when you started working at Pinkberry and you had both of them with the rest of the group “bothering” you during work. And dear god, how you loved the rest of the group. They all supported you all, refuting any rumors before they could really take off (especially Jenna and Chloe, the two being extremely fast to stomp out anything before they could really start blazing). The three of you had undying support from them: something you all were grateful for. Heck, you had noticed that Christine had put stars by your, Jake, and Rich’s names. When asked about it, she smiled.

       “You guys are a constellation. That’s what poly relationships are called!”

       For the first time in months, you realized how loved you were. Jake had pressed a gentle kiss to your neck, arms around your torso. Rich pressed a soft, quick kiss to your lips, arms wrapped around you and Jake awkwardly as the three of you laid in near silence, the soft chatter from the TV filling the room.

      “Hey... Rich? Jake?” You mumbled, “I love you.”

       They had both smiled. “We love you too.”

since people wanted me to mention them:

@love-doesnt-discriminate @fly-like-a-grayson @heatherchandlxrs @linslovelylocks @1two-player-game1 

sorry if i forgot anyone!!! this is just based off of the list i have

[snap-spark-blog]

In regards to nct’s art, marketing, reality

This is a post loosely about NCT’s

artistic vision

modus operandi

marketing strategy

and me trying to (invite conversation and) define the line of reality within what is the “NCT” that I love, and to understand to the best of my abilities why it is I love it

All these thoughts came from the cherry bomb showcase. I think, now, in the aftermath of promotions would be a rly good time to write about it.

Below are my own observations and opinions! It gets quite long but I hope you stay with me throughout and leave your thoughts too afterwards!!

The incident

I was watching the cherry bomb showcase for the first time (it turned out very different from my expectations) and it was going unbelievably well until this part during the interview-performance intermission gave me a jolt.

The MC, Eana Kim, is a well-known lyricist for the industry. I was grateful that throughout the interview she continued to ask NCT about their process of artistic creation, about the visual, audio, and conceptual aspects of their Cherry Bomb album, which is indisputably a collective work of art assembled by many creators on and off stage. She pinpointed some phrases from the lyrics of individual songs, and pinpointed Taeyong as a writer for his observational skills, which I found super impressive--although not surprising given her experience. When the song talk finished, NCT went backstage to get ready, and here she is left on the stage to “entertain the fans”, and begins speaking (with little fan interruption) what is essentially a very gentle monologue after a comment about the fan energy:

And here’s the thing: in this brief minute or two, Eana Kim basically analyzed my entire experience as an NCT fan, especially highlighting very sensitive details that aren’t something I see people easily identifying as common about this fandom. Of what she said, here are the points I strongly agree with:

1. I feel that NCT are very different from other idols, music wise, group dynamic wise, and also in their connection to their music, the honesty in their music as representative of themselves, the artists

2. I think they are special, rather than something common

3. As a consumer and fan, I am strongly attracted to something high quality, well made, and perfectionist (I also strongly believe this is a trend for many SM Ent fans, some obsession with pefection which SM always delivers)

4. I will be upset if NCT doesn’t do well in the industry 

5. I believe NCT will produce many things with great quality because they are very talented artistically

6. And that given the niche status of their group within the current circumstances of the industry, I have become aware that I will have to play an especially large part in promoting NCT’s contents 

7. I feel especially that being in this fandom, I am blessed with more reciprocity from my idols than I normally expect (in a sense, the lack of some distance which I’m used to there being, a barrier)

Why does this matter?

Everything fans come to naturally synthesize about their own fan experience and understand about their own attractions starts to sound different when they’re acknowledged by an official party. On one hand, I’m elated to think that a very respectable, experienced, and observant MC from within the industry has noted the same things about NCT that I have, and that she too thinks they are quite special, and it somewhat validates my observations. On the other, it leaves me with the urge to wonder how much of this short and concise speech is a fantastic summary of the group (during their showcase, an appropriate time to showcase their essence) and how much of it is conveniently too spot-on to be spontaneous.

I personally think it’s difficult and risky to be a fan of the industry if you’re not constantly conscious of “intention”. Especially fans of large companies, if you want to maintain liberty over your own freedom as a critical consumer without being easily sucked into “entertainment”, these are things you have to question. 

What is SM’s intention, with NCT?

To me, SM is a company with especially clear vision at all times, and enacts tight control around their vision. This often results in executing plans to force certain results. They might not always do the right things, and things might not always go as they plan, but as a principle, before doing anything, they know what they’re doing. They know what they want, what they need to achieve it, and can subsequently plan out how to achieve it. 

The make-up of NCT is not a coincidence--to me, what I feel SM wants to achieve with NCT is more or less this:

1. Create a truly international super group, drawing on and adding to the growing power of hallyu overseas

2. Experiment with new styles of music and group structure, in order to challenge, advance, and redefine k-pop

3. Strive for higher artistic excellence and create art that is more emotionally connected than ever seen before within their own production powers

And all three of these points SM Ent expects, when executed correctly, to tackle an untapped market and prove uniquely profitable to the company, whether this will be gained in the form of money, fame, power, or even pure artistic elation. 

What was the speech’s intention?

What Eana Kim said about NCT feels basically like a sweetened, humanized version of these selling points of NCT crucial to SM’s vision. The showcase is broadcasted on vlive, which eventually did receive translations for many languages, giving international access to this information. The showcase itself has substance, and delves in a critical way into the visual design of the album, lyric writing and concept ideation, into each and every song from the perspective of the members who explain their own experiences with the song and music making (rather than break down the technical composition of it in a memorized speech).

This touches on all 3 of the main points I derived. They are coming at us with new music, and they are presenting it to us in a new and different way which is more honest. There is no aegyo being shown on stage--instead there are questions like “what were you thinking about when you made this conscious, formal, artistic decision?” And it’s not hard to see SM is trying to alert the world of these differences: they are doing interviews in all languages, they are filming NCT life in all these places, and every time I see a comment that goes “I’m surprised to see NCT at KCON I thought they only did SM concerts” I think yes, you are right that not many other SM groups go so far abroad and that yes it is intentional! But the last crucial message that Eana Kim’s speech pointed out, something I thought I came to decide on my own, is that NCT actually needs fans to give back and reciprocate to continue. 

To me, SM took a deep financial risk deciding to market NCT this way. They have the means to, of course, and they are probably the only company that has the means to, but they didn’t have to. And they certainly didn’t have to continue when it didn’t seem to be immediately paying off. 

There is something about this that I respect: no one expects it of SM to change and progress, and they don’t expect anyone to easily follow. It’s not the best decision, but it means that, in addition to maintaining what is conservatively SM Entertainment’s philosophy, maintaining a degree of their standard of perfection, SM finally wants something real out of their music, and they care about it enough to maintain their artistic integrity in the face of many setbacks so far. Why would they do this, instead of the tried and true? I like to believe that, aside from the continual race for setting new global trends, on the part of the company and its artists, it’s a pure pursuit for a more connected, higher level of art and music. 

And so, for them to take this risk and give us something real, if we can feel the heart of someone speaking to us, we should give back our own share to the experience, to the collective effort of artist and fan, to keep this up, to make meaning, to prove something together.

It would all sound innocent without the last part about fan support, but I’d argue that this isn’t the only thing it’s trying to convey. It’s a fair effort to gently point out some things to the many young fans in the audience (who did listen very quietly to the things she said) that they have indeed become a part of something special, how it is special, and only upon achieving this kind of consciousness can anyone willingly spend their money on NCT and not somewhere else. 

Regarding reality

It shocked me to hear all this from their official comeback showcase because.............honestly I feel played............

I can’t be the only one who feels personally called out by all this “you love perfectionism and art”, and it feels kind of unsafe, like SM is one step ahead again, having analyzed exactly how fans would respond if they marketed a certain way, and that I’m simply doing everything they predicted. Honestly? I respect that, I expect no less--again, SM knows what it’s doing. And I honestly don’t mind spending my money exactly as they want me to, given the sole condition that all these human moments, sparks, connections, the love that is shared for art and music, are not a part of the money equation.

In the end it boils down to the question with no answer. Did NCT come together as something SM planned and wanted, or is it something developed after thorough observations of its artists and perfected into something mutually beneficial to both parties? In other words, which question was asked, between “How do I want them to be represented?” vs “How can I best represent them?” Did SM see a group of friends, good and honest kids and think, maybe we don’t have to change this, maybe it’s their charm? It’s an ambiguous reality. In the end I only want the NCT members I love to be able to be themselves and be truly happy. I’m a little obsessed with reality, and I want that to be real, I want to be able to believe in this world. NCT makes it so easy to want to believe in them, they feel so pure and real. :’(

In conclusion!

Please don’t be alarmed, but please be aware. I honestly think that’s the best way to enjoy any kind of media in this world. Also the showcase is hilarious and pls check it out if you haven’t

The point is that the more SM contributes to a fan’s understanding of their meta role in this system, the more I’m scared reality isn’t as believed. Still, there is nothing I can do but believe and hope for the best!! Eana Kim really did a great job hosting their showcase and promoting what I think are their most important qualities to fans and non-fans, and the cherry bomb comeback has brought so much to the fandom, even I feel making a conscious effort to be more inclusive within their very exclusive style of music. 

Please keep supporting NCT!!! Thank you so much for reading, and I would LOVE any kind of responses I get to this post. I’d rly love to get to know the fandom better!!!!

Ty for your time ♡

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[blookmallow]

hey im giving away some fandom junk

ok i mentioned this a while ago n then didn’t get around to dealing with it for ages

ive decided to open this up to anyone and not just mutuals !! 

SO heres the deal: 

i have some old anime stuff / a couple doctor who things / etc i dont rly want, and don’t rly care to try to sell either 

so: im givin em away. i am not asking for money for any of these. it’s a giveaway, friends

this isn’t a “reblog and ill randomly select one” giveaway tho, it’s a first come first serve giveaway: whoever claims stuff first gets em and when everything’s claimed that’s it (u cant go “i claim everything” ok thats cheating :V) 

list of the things im offering along with pictures of em will be under the cut below 

note:

- you gotta be in the US unfortunately, bc shipping costs get expensive (@ one friend in germany iM SORRY I KEEP FORGETTING ill see what we can do about the stuff i talked to u about before. im holdin onto those for u) 

- u gotta be off-anon 

- i have really limited transportation and have a shit memory so it will VERY LIKELY take a while for me to get around to sending them out (tho i intend on doin so as soon as i can). however, i will keep note of who claimed what and it will, US postal service permitting, get to u eventually. ill let u know when i send it :’) sorry

- i also have a lot of pokemon cards and am willing 2 share, if u would like some bonus pokemon cards with something, either pick a couple out of these ones (these are my extras/duplicates/ones im not terribly attached to, note that if someone else claimed some before you i might not still have everything in the pictures tho) or just lemme know ur interested and ill throw some random ones in for you. i also have some yugioh cards but i am way too lazy to take a billion pictures again lmao so if u want some yugioh cards ur gettin random ones :’) i think i still have some naruto cards somewhere too 

- theres a 90% chance of me giving u random lil Mystery Extras regardless since im getting rid of a buncha stuff besides these (they’re just not Fandom Related so. most of that’s probably goin to a thrift store) 

unless u like... specifically Don’t want me to do that, i guess. i found an entire box of various tiny finger puppets in my closet if anyone wants some of those too :’) uh 

ok anyway moving on to The Stuff Itself  

- these lil bleach figures. they are small and come apart very very easily but they’re designed to just snap back together again (so if it gets to you in pieces, Fear Not, they are easily re-assemble...able). i doNT think they’re missing any pieces. i dont remember enough about bleach to remember who these are :’) u can claim all three of em if you want 

- the Naruto Collection. the magazine is in good condition and still has all the like... game board/poster/manga insert/etc stuff in it im pretty sure/puzzles arent written on already/etc (the trading card isn’t in there anymore though). the figures are the same type as the bleach ones, aka: they fall apart super easily but are designed to be easily re-assembled. kakashi’s tiny lil kunais will not stay in nm what i do but i thiNK he still has all of them. i also have naruto cards somewhere??? i dont know where they are/which ones i have but if ur interested i can probably find em and toss some in  (Naruto stuff is currently claimed!) 

- doctor who stuff; the pin says “KEEP CALM I’M THE DOCTOR,” the shirt doesn’t have a tag anymore but im guessing its probably a medium or small 

- this dave strider shirt that i got ages ago which turned out to be too small for me (im usually size medium/small in most things. apparently this is a Very small :’) oops) but APPARENTLY I STILL HAVE IT. are u small and interested in it. great its yours

if somethin disappears from this post it means ive removed it bc someone has claimed it !! 

[daehquns]

( * kyong dae-hyun. )

♡ — * » KYONG DAEHYUN looks so cute on the beach !! apparently, ( he/they ) come from ( south korea ) and are a ( twenty ) years old ( pansexual ) ( demiboy ) ( med student ). other hotel residents described them as ( gentle + sage ), but also ( ambivalent - faint-hearted ). don’t you think they look a bit like ( PARK JIMIN ) ?

WARNING: this is really long, my dudes. so long.

hello hi hi, it’s SKY ( 2-o, she/her, cest tz, but an insomniac ) & this is my smol blob of confusion, so if their story confuses you, i succeeded. also this is easily my absolute favourite character ever, so ,,, idk random info. ALSO: i have an exam tomorrow, my peeps, so i don’t think i’ll be around till tomorrow but !! i can’t wait to plot & interact with all of you.

SORTA BIO THING:

[ MISCARRIAGE TW ] kyong daehyun was born in daegu, south korea on the 22nd of february 1997. they were sort of a miracle baby bc their mom went through two miscarriages before them ( she’s rh negative & the babies were rh positive n ,,, i wont explain the biology behind it, im sure yall know that ). they’re an only child. they’ve always wanted a sibling ( an older one ,,,, they always want the impossible things smfh ). so yeah, they were a bit lonely while growing up

they were a very weak child who’d fall ill quite often (their family used to call them aga/aggie/babybc of it … sorta stuck with them to this day ), so much that it affected their education. the poor bean skipped a lot of classes, so eventually their parents decided it was best for them to leave school. they were homeschooled !! altho they now have incredible work ethic bc of this, they didn’t have many friends while growing up :( they sorta didnt even get the chance to develop n test their social skills. they came in contact with their parents, nannies, parents’ business partners, etc … long story short, they were surrounded by adults. this made them VERY mature for their age, even back then.

the greatest discovery of their life was the internet. they had little interest in sports & going outside, so they’d spend their free time glued to the screen of their laptop, either watching movies, youtube videos & tv shows or getting to know strangers from across the world thanks to various websites & apps. they’d often stay up all night n ruin their sleep pattern in order to talk to their friends from other timezones. they made them so happy. so. happy.

their parents sort of made them pursuit a medical career, though, they literally have -10 interest in it. not 0. -10. they just want to make them proud, ok ?? especially since they’ve always been an incredible student n studying came easily to them. they were praised while growing up, so naturally they started thinking they were exceptional as well.

COLLEGE ! they. hate. it. hate it. like, they are fallin apart n are like “wow so what is this, i thought i was smart ?? they told me i was the most intelligent kid in the world wHY cant i do literally anything now w o w im so average yUCK”.  i mean, they still get good grades, but they ARE struggling.

[ PROFESSOR/STUDENT RELATIONSHIP THING TW ] … idk maybe someone’s triggered by that. anyway, there was a class that made them 11/10 done with life & they were sure they’d fail it n ruin their entire life, so they approached the professor ( who ,,, was rly hot n made hyunnie weak in the knees ok ) n were like “i will literally do ANYTHING in order to pass this class ,,,,,, pls”. like, they had 0 shame bc they were so done with it. n ,,, long story short, they ended up sleeping with the professor … ,,, multiple times. t was bc of the grade the first time, but … they’re pretty much in love with him now. and they’re a bit foolish, they hope he’s in love with them too. n idk they sort of dream about being in a real relationship with them.  l mao … my poor kiddo.

COOLER INFO THING:

nicknames include: hyunnie, dee, mochi ( i have to steal that from jiminieeee bc yes. my squishy bol of cuteness ), aga/aggie/baby. or just call them dae or  hyun honestly

daehyun is a demiboy ( they/them or he/him. if you refer to them as she/her, they will feel uncomfortable, but they will not have the guts to correct you. lmao one time they watched a woman make them european-style pancakes with nutella & cherries, even though they asked for a nutella/banana combo. they did not correct her. they ate half of it, left with a pout on their face n were sad for the rest of the day tHATS HOW ANXIOUS N SHY THEY ARE BYE ). anyway, as i said   ——   demiboy. panromantic ( very romantic, a huge dreamer. the type to imagine cute scenarios with their crush before falling asleep ). pansexual, though the most attracted to masculine physique buT !! they’re too self-conscious n emotion-dependent that they can’t have sex with just about anyone. n o. byee. like, the thought of getting naked in front of someone is terrifying to them, so they really need to trust n know the person. i wouldn’t call them demisexual though, since they do experience sexual attraction without having an emotional bond, they just … can’t let go of their ~stupid insecurities~

[ FOOD TW ] they don’t eat meat. yes, they do love animals n feel sad about those poor things, but that’s not the main reason why they don’t eat it. the smell, the look, the taste of meat makes them incredibly sick. when they were smol & had any sort of meat for lunch, they’d sit at the table for 5 hours n eat everything BUT the meat. most of the time, they used to give it to their dog who was v chubby bc of them. lunch was the worst time of the whole day for them, it was suuuuuuuper bad, especially since their parents didn’t understand their problem n called them spoiled. now that they are away from home, they’re super happy cause they can eat whatever they want ( sweets n pastries ). this bish ALWAYS has a lollipop in their mouth n a candy bar with them.

why are they obsessed with lollipops ? thanks to them they destroy their nails n cuticles LESS when bored, since their mouth is occupied. you can determine how life’s goin for daehyun just by looking at their hands. when everything’s good, their nails are painted ( the execution n design also say a lot about how much free time they have n how clear their head is ). when everything’s shit, they aren’t painted, they are bloody and sore, skin completely damaged, so much that it hurts to touch items with the very tips of their fingers. everything burns n they’re wincing 25/8.

they always have literally everything with them. you need a tissue, a comb, a hair brush, a band-aid, a hand sanitizer, a nail polish, some water, something sweet, a set of stem cells & a cure for every illness in the world ?they have it all. they’re always prepared for every situation. this is bc of their huge fear of facing a situation for the first time unprepared. also … you should never make them order food on their own or make a serious phone call or wtvr bc .. they can’t do that.

they’re fluent in english, but pls don’t throw big words at them :( they feel so embarrassed when they don’t know what something means. they go home & write the new word on one of their colourful cards, along with its translation to korean, a smol explanation & an example sentence n they have loads of those cards that they reread whenever they have time. when they learn a new word, they love showing off lmao dumbass

while they were back in korea n spending time on youtube, they used to watch a lot of kpop mvs + makeup tutorials n fell in love with makeup n wanted to look as beautiful as the people in those videos. they started stealin their mother’s makeup n used to be awful at paintin’ their face, but got better with time. they used to save money for eyeliners n primers n highlighters n all sort of shit n they’d hide all the products in their room n play with them whenever they were home alone. they know it’s their true passion& call, but they are so discouraged by the fact that they can’t even walk outside wearing makeup. they aint confident enough & still don’t think they can pull it off.

they made a new youtube account with the intention to post their own tutorials, but … mm, there’s still 0 uploaded videos on that channel

i’ve been struggling to decide which hair colour to go with … black, platinum blonde, silver or pink n i chose …pink.

they’ve never been in an actual relationship. never cuddled, or did couple-y things. their professor took their virginity, so … ya. that’s one of the reasons why they’re refusing to let him go.

[MEDICATION TW] as i mentioned before, they were a weak child who was often sick and had bad migraines ,,, this sort of got them hooked on medication ?? like, they will convince themself that their head is hurting and jus pop a pill without any need to do so ,,,, like, they are 110% sure they need pills to function normally every single day.

nature !! the world !! they love it.

aesthetics hoe !!!!!!!!! will sell their soul for the things that please their senses

they know how to draw well. they lololololove drawing comic book characters. like, they have their own characters already

dancing !!! especially contemporary ! bc ,,, i have a lot of those gifs n icons that i gotta use

loves apples ?

wants a cat. d e s p e r a t e l y

PERSONALITY:

i think it’s quite obvious that they’re a very anxious, shy & alert person 24/7 and i guess that you can see how their upbringing had a lot to do with it. i don’t view their shyness as cute and adorable, but they definitely aren’t grim either. they’re just closed-off. they’re not used to sharing personal stuff with other people, at least not face to face. online, everything’s different.

most of the time they’re like … “uhhhhh, people - i’d rather not. that can get me in a lot of awkward n uncomfortable situations n i’d rather avoid that’. they don’t find solitude depressing. they enjoy their alone time, they find comfort in it. they are very aware of the fact that their social skills suck & as i said a part of them doesn’t give a damn, but … another part is worried bc if they truly want to be in the makeup world, they will have to learn to be a people person, have a fantastic charisma n ,, talk to people ? lmao

their zodiac sign is pisces n they HATE IT lol they’re like “i’m not a whiny baby emo dreamer ew go away” so they keep telling people that their zodiac sign is aquarius bc it’s close enough n they find them cool n admire the description of the seemingly stoic sign that goes through life with their brain rather than their heart. they love to think that they’re strong n logical, that they’re not emotional … but that’s not the case. it’s all an act really

once you demolish their shell, you’ll find the most adorable creature in the whole entire universe ?/ they also love tellin stupid jokes. they almost never finish them bc they laugh too hard at em

they get attached to people VERY easily n then they can’t live without them n that freaks them the fuck out. like. they fall in love ten times a day. im. not. kiddin.

they’re all about living life to the fullest, they just have a bit different vision of what true livin is lmao

philosophical af ? hates small talk, always wants to talk abt deep shit

the type to send you memes and stuff that reminds them of you

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

this is so important. online friends. they met online a couple of years ago ( we’ll figure out how ) n now they’re both here and ? hyunnie is so scared to meet them bc they’re afraid that person won’t like them irl, but the desire is bigger than the fear !

similar to the previous one, but it was a long distance relationship ( it ended bc the distance was too much ig ). they only chatted, but they know everything about each other. they were infuriated every single day bc they couldn’t physically feel each other, but they still planned a future together, or at least meeting irl … maybe they now finally have a chance ?

crush. as i said, hyunnie falls quickly for a person. it can be unrequited. it’s just someone they daydream about n sigh over. or it can be the other way around, but hyunnie is quite clueless n doesn’t pick up on their hints.

friends ?? the plot depends on your charrie tbh but dw about it, i usually have 57430865026701348 ideas, so ya.

i have no idea what else ,,,, imma go make a wanted connections tag n reblog some plots probably. bUT HEY feel free to send plots my way, i luv that