#and i really just haven’t been in the right headspace to write this week

[bookinit02]

hey guys!! for anyone following my s5 series, i’ve decided to delay today’s chapter by a week, because i’ve been extremely swamped with school & work, and it’s also just not been the best week for my mental health in general. i could rush through and post today, or in the next few days, but i really want to take my time and post something that i’m proud of! thank you all for understanding🫶🏻 the next chapter of the end is here will be up next friday, 11/24, and then we will return to our regular schedule!🥳 have a good weekend!

[junezsq]

high school reunion

steve harrington x fem!reader

summary: when returning to your old high school five years later might turn into a run in with your ex, you’re not sure if you should even go. what you did not expect was that seeing him again felt like no time had passed at all. he was just so easy to talk to

right person, wrong time -> right person, right time

warnings: a few swear words, make out scene, mentions of stranger things season 2, 3 & 4, mention of nightmares & migraines, flashback

word count: 3.5k

a/n: this took me about a week but i’m honestly really proud of it :’) the steve brainrot is real so i really didn’t mind spending everyday thinking of this fic lmao. i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i did writing <3

── ᵎᵎ ✦

the usually neatly made up bed that had now formed into a heap of discarded clothing items was the first sign of chaos. the desk and vanity full with hair and make up products was the second. a loud groan filled the room as you threw yourself onto your bed, feeling bumps of clothing poke into your back, but you didn’t seem to mind. “ugh, i’m not doing this.”

robin gasped and instantly turned her head to look at you, her hands still buried somewhere into your closet, “what do you mean?!”

“i’m not going.” you sighed, your eyes going over the ceiling. your hand found a piece of clothing to play with while you spoke, “i really don’t feel like seeing all of them again.” the material felt soft, like one of your sweaters, or maybe a t-shirt, “besides, i’ve got nothing to wear.”

robin raised her brows, retracting her arms from your closet so she could wave them around, “uhm, hello?? have you seen your room?” she exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips, “you’ve got clothes for an entire orphanage.”

you scoffed playfully, “nothing feels right to wear, though.” you mumbled, glancing down at the clothing item you’d been playing with; it wasn’t a sweater nor a t-shirt, but one of your favorite skirts, and even that didn’t live up to your expectations for tonight. a breath left your lips before letting go of the fabric and sitting up to look at robin, “i don’t want to get there and disappoint. you know, the girl who was supposed to be successful, but failed. miserably.”

“you didn’t fail miserably.” robin shrugged and you raised your brows at her. “okay, maybe, you didn’t go to college like you wanted, and moved back into your childhood bedroom,” she turned back towards your closet to continue digging through your clothes, “but who cares?? it’s only been five years, who knows what might’ve happened this time next year. right now, you’re single and living the life!”

you let your head fall into your hands with a sigh. your brain went over everyone that could possibly be there and when a certain name popped up you stilled. a gasp left your lips as your head snapped up to face robin’s back, “oh my god, what if steve’s going to be there?”

robin chuckled, “of course he’s going to be there, he was in your year.”

“ugh,” you groaned, letting yourself fall backwards onto your bed, “what if he wants to talk to me?? what am i gonna say?”

“just be yourself,” robin pulled one of your shirts out of your closet and assessed it before throwing it over her shoulder, “it’s not like you don’t know how to talk to him, i remember you two were, like, attached to the hip a couple years ago.”

“until we broke up.” you huffed, closing your eyes in remembrance. “i haven’t spoken to him since.”

robin didn’t seem to notice the somber undertone in your words, “yeah, but remember what happened 4 years back?.” she took out another shirt but also discarded it, “we all went through some heavy shit and you both weren’t really in the right headspace after, you know?” she pulled her attention away from your t-shirts and turned to your dresses, “maybe you just needed some time for yourself. both of you.”

you turned her words over in your head, opening your eyes again to let them go over the ceiling. when robin didn’t hear you speak up she continued, “i’m not saying you should jump on his dick the second you see him—“

“robin!” you exclaimed as you sat up again and watched how she threw another one of your dresses onto your bed. her arm basically disappeared into the back of your closet, “what i mean is, it might be awkward at first, but isn’t it worth it to talk to him and give it a shot? even if it’s just as, i don’t know, acquaintances.”

“maybe,” you mumbled, anxiously running your hands through your hair and over your face, “i just don’t want it be all awkward, with annoying small talk, which i hate, and—“

“holy shit!” robin’s voice stopped you from rattling. you watched as she pulled a long red dress from the back of your closet, “it’s perfect!”

your breath hitched when you saw the dress she’d picked. it was the dress you’d bought especially for a date you and steve were supposed to go on. you’d bought it months in advance, as a surprise, but never got to actually wear it since you’d broken up only a few weeks before you got to go.

after your and steve’s break up, you’d stuffed the dress in the back of your closet, not wanting to be reminded of how embarrassed you had felt about spending all that money on a stupid dress you never even got to wear. seeing it again, years later, made you remember why you’d bought it in the first place; it was gorgeous.

robin’s voice pulled you away from your thoughts, “what do you think??”

your eyes flickered between robin and the dress for a moment, eventually resting on robin, “i don’t know…” you sighed, “it’s been in my closet for years, i’m not sure it’ll still fit.”

robin narrowed her eyes at you, not believing your excuse for even a second, “your body type hasn’t changed at all.” she threw the dress in your lap, “and i mean that as a compliment, go on, try it!”

you sighed once more, “fine.” you mumbled, taking the dress in your hand and standing up from the comfort of your bed. you pointed your finger at robin, “but only because you’re annoying when you don’t get what you want.”

"thank you!" robin sing-songed, turning to the vanity on the other side of your room to busy herself with your make-up while you changed. your eyes stayed on robin for a moment before glancing down at the dress in your hands. while playing with the satin fabric you bit your bottom lip in uncertainty.

after standing in thought for a moment you mentally rolled your eyes at yourself. it was just a dress and it was definitely way too pretty to stuff it back into your closet for another five years.

with a light shake of your head you pealed off the clothes you were currently wearing and slipped inside the dress. while adjusting the straps on your shoulders you looked at your reflection in your mirror. a small smile grew on your lips as you let your hands glide down your hips to smooth out the fabric.

"holy mother of god." robin's voice pulled you away from your thoughts, "god is a woman, and that woman is you." you raised your brows at her words and a laugh escaped your lips, "you're insane, you know that, right?"

she smiled at you, closing the distance between you two to grab your hands and pull you towards your vanity. she moved her hands to your shoulders and pushed you down onto the chair. "okay, so, I've thought out this look that i think pairs so well with the dress." she spoke quickly as she grabbed your desk chair and sat down opposite of you, "close your eyes."

you giggled, following her orders. when you felt one of your make-up brushes touch the skin of your eyelids you smiled to yourself, appreciating this moment. after about a minute of silence, robin still focused on your make-up, you decided to voice a thought, "i know steve's your best friend, but thank you for helping me get ready for tonight."

"correction; you're both my best friends." robin slightly tilted your head up, "and do you really think steve was going to let me do his hair and make-up?" she snorted, causing you to giggle softly.

when robin moved onto your lips you opened your eyes again, seeing robin's brows knitted together in focus. "yes, perfect!" she exclaimed as she pulled back, closing the lipgloss she'd used. you turned your head to face your vanity mirror and a soft gasp left your just glossed lips when you saw yourself. "robin..."

you leaned in slightly closer to get a better look at yourself. robin had used a deep toned red to create a soft smokey eye and a gorgeous red tint lipgloss you didn't even remember owning.

"no need to thank me again," robin smirked lightly as she watched you admire the look she'd created, "i did it with love."

you turned to look at her with a wide smile, "thank you." robin threw her hands up, "i told you not to do that!" she stood up and pulled you along with her, "okay, now go kick some ass! not steve's."

you laughed at her words, again. robin had a way with words that would make sure she could get you to smile every damn time, and you adored her because of it. "I'll try my best."

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:

as soon as you stepped inside the familiar hawkins high gym you let out a strangled breath. a sarcastic laugh bubbled up in your throat when you noticed the school board had decorated the hall as if it was a regular high school dance. besides the cliché 'welcome back class of 1985' posters plastered all over the walls, they'd re-used snowball decorations, and the signature punch and drinks table was stood in the same spot you remembered it stood when you were in middle school.

to try and get over your nerves you decided to head to that exact table. you tuned out the sound of music and chatter as you grabbed a cup and filled it with punch. a soft breath left your lips before turning back to let your eyes glide over everyone mingling on the dance floor. when taking a sip of the punch you noticed how the recipe must not have changed at all, since it tasted exactly the same in your memory.

"it's weird, isn't it? to be back here." a voice you recognised all too well pulled your thoughts away from your old classmates. you snapped your head to the side to be faced with the one person you were hoping not to bump into tonight. your eyes glided over his side profile as he was focused on the dance floor.

"yeah..." you spoke after a moment of silence and turned back to look in front of you and took a big sip from your punch, "not even the people, it's just," you breathed out, "something about this place, you know?"

he hummed, crossing his arms, "yeah, i mean, what other school would use the same snowball decorations for every event they hold."

a chuckle left your lips before you took another swig from your drink. "you took the words right out of my mouth, harrington." you smiled lightly, turning to look at him only to find him already looking at you with a small smirk playing on his lips.

“how have you been?” he asked, sounding genuinely interested. you looked at him for a moment longer but eventually tore your eyes away from him, focusing back on everyone happily moving around the hall, “do you want me to tell you what i tell everyone else, or do you want me to be honest?” you asked before finishing your punch, placing your empty cup on the table behind you.

“whatever you feel comfortable telling me.” he noticed how your expression was tense and how there was a slight strain in your voice as you spoke. he spoke softly, not taking his eyes off your side profile, “but you know you can be honest with me.”

the fact you hadn’t seen him in years but he still spoke to you like he cared. you swallowed, knowing you’d tell him everything in a heartbeat, “can we go for a walk?” you glanced at him, his eyes still on you as he nodded, “yeah, sure.”

you internally thanked him for not joking around or completely dismissing the fact you wanted to get out of the over stimulating gym hall. you wrapped your arms around yourself as the two of you made your way out, through the hallways and eventually all the way outside. you felt almost instantly relaxed when taking a breath of fresh air, “it’s been difficult these past few years.” you eventually spoke up, your eyes fixed on the ground as the two of you walked side by side.

you had picked the honesty option. steve glanced at your side profile, but didn’t say anything; giving you the chance to speak your mind. you swallowed, "i'll think i'm doing alright, but then i wake up in the middle of the night, crying because i somehow got transported back in time and one of those stupid demodogs is trying to attack me." you tightened your arms around yourself, "or vecna's back to take max again, but we can't save her this time."

steve grabbed your arm, stopping both of you in your tracks, "hey, you still get nightmares?" he asked quietly, and when he looked over your features he noticed the tears forming in your eyes. "i thought those were over? you told me you didn't get them anymore."

your breath hitched slightly, remembering how you'd lied about your nightmares years ago, "I didn't want you to worry."

his brows raised, "you didn't—" he shuffled on his feet so he was standing directly in front of you, "you could've told me. i was your boyfriend, it was kind of my job to worry about you."

"i'm sorry." you smiled softly at his words, glancing down at his hand that was still secured on your arm, "I know that now, but i was—"

"don't apologise." he cut you off, following your eye movement with his and with the realisation he'd been clinging to you he retracted his arm. "do you still get them often?"

you looked back up to meet his eyes, "i used to get them almost every night, but it's gotten better over the years." steve nodded, still going over your features. you didn't want the silence to grow so you decided to redirect the conversation over to him, "how about you? are you doing alright?"

he shrugged, "besides the occasional migraine, i'm doing alright, yeah."

you slightly tilted your head, "you still get those?"

steve chuckle softly, "yeah, those russians must've known what they were doing." he ran a hand through his hair, "fucked me up pretty badly."

"i know, i'm sorry..." you smiled sadly, instinctively placing your hand on his upper arm, as if to comfort him. "stop apologising for shit that's not your fault." he reached up and took your hand in his, "can't really do anything about it anyway."

you gave him a singular nod and you felt him softly squeeze your hand. the conversation fell silent as you both basked in each other’s company. even though it had been five years since you’d seen him, for some peculiar reason, it felt like no time had passed at all. talking to him had always been easy and clearly nothing had changed.

after a couple minutes you lightly shook your head, finally realizing you’d been staring at him. you averted the gaze to your surroundings and found you’d ended up at the backside of hawkins high, close to the big willow tree that was now slowly going out of bloom.

a small smile formed on your lips at the thought of the two of you ending up here. the willow tree had always been your spot; you and steve having spent most of your high school days there. hiding from the rain or taking advantage of the shade during hot summer days, it never mattered.

you were sure your laughter could be heard over the entire schoolyard, but you didn’t care. “steve!” you exclaimed as he dragged you along with him, eventually stopping right underneath the willow. he leaned against the tree and pulled you closer to him. “steve, class starts in a couple minutes.” you giggled, placing your hands on his shoulders.

“which means we still have those couple minutes to do whatever we want.” he looked at you with his signature smirk as he placed one of his hands on your waist and the other on your cheek so he could pull you flush against him, dipping his head to connect his lips with yours.

you smiled against his lips, taking hold of his arm. “steve.” you mumbled. he hummed, moving his hand to the back of your neck, as if wanting to pull you even closer even though there was no space left between you.

“steve.” you tried again, moving slightly back with a small giggle, your eyes going over his features, “miss. thomson is going to kill us if we’re late.”

“who cares about miss. thomson.” he shrugged, moving his hand that was on the back of your neck to your waist as well so he could softly squeeze your hips. you playfully rolled your eyes, “i do. if i wanna keep my perfect attendance.”

he ignored your words and kissed you again, mumbling against your lips, “missing one class won’t hurt.”

you decided to just give in, already knowing there was no chance in hell steve was going to let you go. your hands found their way to his chest and up to his shoulders. he smirked against your lips when he realized he’d convinced you to stay.

you melted into the firm, but also soft, kiss. you and steve had kissed a multitude of times, but you knew you’d never grow tired of it; there was just something special about the way his lips felt on yours. your let your hands tangle up into his hair as you raised yourself to stand on your toes, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

the sudden blaring sound of the school bell interrupted you and you pulled back with a gasp. you glanced backwards to see everyone making their way inside the school building, “shit!” you cursed, looking back to steve who still had his eyes focused you, “come on, we gotta get to class!”

you untangled your hands from his hair and grabbed one of his hands. just when you started to take a step away from him, wanting to take him with you, steve pulled you back against him and placed his lips on yours once more. you immediately melted back into the kiss, but detached yourself from him not even a few seconds later.

“steve!!” you looked at him with wide eyes, “i hate you. come on!” you turned and started running off towards miss. thomson’s class, dragging him along with you.

your eyes were focused on the willow as you smiled at the memory. it was one of many, but all memories you had created with steve underneath the hawkins high willow tree were some of your favorites.

“what are you thinking of?” his voice pulled you away from your thoughts and when you turned to look at him you found him already looking at you, the exact same smirk as all those years ago playing on his lips.

you returned his smirk as you let your eyes wander over his features; they had matured but he was so obviously the same steve harrington as years ago, “i think you know.”

he chuckled, “i’m pretty sure all we did here was make out,” he glanced at the tree before focusing back on you, the smirk still playing on his lips “or maybe you remember something different.”

you laughed and lightly shook your head, “you haven’t changed at all, have you?”

he returned your laugh, running a hand through his hair. when a soft wind rustled the willow tree, he noticed how you shivered at the cold air, “wanna go back inside?” he asked softly.

“yeah, maybe we should start mingling with all the others,” you smiled softly. steve chuckled and offered you his arm. you smiled in appreciation, looping your arm through his and placing your hand in his bicep, “we have got to find out how many boyfriends christine martin has had by now.”

steve smiled but kept silent as you made your way back towards the school entrance. it was a comfortable silence and you cherished the moment you had just shared with him. when you were about to set foot inside, steve leaned closer, “you look beautiful, by the way.” he whispered in your ear, “i haven’t had the opportunity to tell you, but i’ve been thinking it since the moment i first saw you tonight.”

you turned your head to look at him and could tell he was slightly nervous telling you that, not knowing how you would react. however, you just smiled, reached up to place a soft kiss on his cheek and pulled him inside with you before he could say anything else.

[spenceragnewfics]

YOU WRITE FANFICTION? | Spencer Agnew x F!Reader | 100 followers special

I hope you all enjoy this little thing!

TW: None

Word Count: 845

Summary: As one of the scriptwriters for Smosh, you've always loved writing. It's just that no one knows you also write fanfiction, including your boyfriend...who is one of the people you write about most.

The mood was just perfect. Her headphones over her ears as the playlist played music that fit the perfect mood, the lighting in her apartment dimmed just enough for ambiance to get her in the right headspace. It had been a long week of work and all Y/N wanted to do was relax and write. It’s been a hobby that has helped her destress for years, and now she gets to do it for a job.

She’s a writer for the scripted department at Smosh and so what she usually writes is definitely different than what she writes at work. In her off time, Y/N is a fanfiction writer and a pretty popular one at that. It started off as nothing but a way to get her creative juices out but now it’s become a community she loves and adores.

It’s something she has kept close to herself, not telling anyone, not even her boyfriend. It’s not that she’s scared that Spencer might think she’s weird…but more that he’s one of the people she writes the most fanfiction about. She can’t help that her followers love her boyfriend as well and want to read things related to him.

That’s what she currently doing, fulling a request someone sent in a while ago. Her head was so into her own world that it took her a minute to hear knocking at the door. Moving one headphone off her ear, she closes her laptop before walking over to the door to peek. A smile pops onto her face when she sees a familiar man at her door.

“Baby!” She says excitedly when she opens the door before pulling him into a hug. “Hey, lovebug. You act like you haven’t seen me in a while.” He jokes, his arms wrapping around her waist. “I know, but I miss you. You know that.” She fake pouts before pecking his lips. “What brings you to my little area?” She asks as he walks into her apartment, “I was bored and wanted to come see you. I was thinking I could make dinner and we could have a little date night.” He suggest casually, his hands in his jean pockets.

“That sounds wonderful. I’ll go get changed because I feel a little underdressed but you can start cooking.” She says, gesturing to her pajamas she was already in. “What? Dude, you look hot.” he says with a teasing smile that makes her cheeks heat up as she rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” She kisses him quickly before walking to her bedroom.

Left alone, Spencer takes off his jean jacket before he walks into the kitchen. His eyes look around at the ingredients to try and figure something out to make when his eyes land on Y/N’s laptop. Grabbing it, he signs in with the intention of going to her pintrest account and looking at a recipe she had pinned but he’s shocked to see a word document up.

Not thinking anything about it, he starts to read, thinking it’s something for work. That thought is completely erased when he sees what his girlfriend is writing, it makes him blush reading everything. He quickly closes the laptop when he hears footsteps approaching, “Damn, I really need to laundry.” She says walking into the kitchen with jeans and one of her favorite shirts on. Her eyebrows frown when she sees him looking so flustered, “What’s going on? I know I didn’t leave you looking like that.” Her arms cross as she looks at him.

“O-Oh, it’s nothing. Just something stupid crossed my mind. Umm, is there anything you want to make? I think we can make just about whatever.” He says, his voice noticeably shaky. She raises an eyebrow before nodding, “Yeah, there was something I saw on-” Her voice stops when her eyes catch her laptop on the counter instead of where it was before.

“Spence, did you-”

“I’m sorry! Okay, I’m so used to just being able to open and do whatever you need for me to do. So I thought I would again and then I saw…” She groans, putting her head in her hands. “How much did you read?” She asks, nervousness in her voice. “A-A-A good bit.” He stutters out, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Look, I’m sorry. I know this is probably really weird for you but, I’ve been doing this for years and it’s just such a-”

“Wait, wait, do you think this is making me uncomfortable?” He asks, interrupting her. “Well duh.” He chuckles before wrapping his arms around her, “If anything, this is actually pretty cool. Also, I think my girlfriend writing fanfiction about me is about as real as it can get.”

She looks at him with loving eyes., “You are so one of a kind, Spence.” He shrugs. “If you say so.” He says before leaning in to kiss her. The kiss is sweet and calm, a showing of their love for each other. Once they pull away they rest their foreheads against each other.

[persephone11110]

To Be Loved | B.B + J.S

T/W: 2+1 fic, past abusive relationship, hurt|comfort, cheater bradley, self esteem issues, dub con— sexual assault the reader never in the right headspace, coercion— bradley emotionally manipulates the reader into having sex bradley pulls the reader hair, he also chokes the reader despite her knowing she doesn’t like it , no aftercare, kissing but its fluffy, pre-top gun maverick, allusions to jake childhood

Summary: Two times Bradley makes you cry and one time he doesn’t.

important note: this fic is heavily about abuse, which can be very triggering I think I put a trigger warning for everything but If I haven’t please tell me. - PLEASE BE CAREFUL -

A/n: finally back with a fic i really wanted to a do a b.b x reader fic by im still on a Jake kick, so why not kill two birds with one stone?, also i wrote it pre- tpgm bcus i couldn’t figure out how to write jake being the boyfriend to his teammate ex girlfriend.

Word Count: 2.2k

—

one.

Its started a few days after celebrating another successful mission pulled of by the dagger squad.

You watched the brunette woman hanging off your boyfriend arm the entire night. Bradley spent his entire time in her face, laughing at her jokes—smiling at her when she suggests taking her home. “Remind me next time Rachel”. His words left a sour taste in your mouth after hearing them. Bradley says it with no hesitation— it rolls of his tongue so confidently that you believe he truly will do it next time. Little did you know that Bradley would stay true to his word.

You should’ve know better.

Past relationships taught you, you’d never be the woman men stayed for. Your the woman they leave for a prettier woman, a smarter woman— the woman who deserves to hang off their arm. Your the woman men need for a quick fuck—not an actual relationship. You naively thought Bradley loved you—that he enjoyed being with you.

Nothing would fix your relationship with Bradley, no amount of fucking— apologies could fix what you broke between you and him. If only you tried harder to keep him happy, to keep him. Why did you let her into you and his bubble— why didn’t you tell her off?

Probably because it been weeks since Bradley looked at you with a smile. Anytime you met his gaze he seemed so irritated with your presence. His jaw clenches whenever you go on for to long about your workday. There were more signs, weeks ago you stood in the mirror putting on his favorite lingerie set. Out of the corner of your eye, Bradley had been wrinkling his nose in digust.

You just wanted Bradley to be happy, hated being the reason of why he’s been so upset lately. You do anything to make Bradley happy again even if it meant him fucking another woman.

You get jealous when you find a newly bought engraved necklace in Bradleys nightstand. You’d been looking for extra batteries for the remote, you get startled by the perfectly wrapped necklace in the drawer. Running your fingers over the initials, small tears fall from your eyes. B+R— To be loved.

He bought her the necklace you asked for three christmases ago. You wanted to walk around with piece of him every where you went.

Sitting on the bed with the necklace dangling in your hands. Its a beautiful piece of jewelry for a beautiful woman— no wonder why he bought for Rachel and not you.

You slip the necklace back into its case, sliding it back into Bradley drawer.

“Darlin just your smile alone makes me want retire early”. He smiles into your hairline, “fuck”. he muttered, how Bradley supposed wake up in the morning and leave this gorgeous woman behind.

Bradley swore to you nothing whatever make him leave you, your body changing, pressure from his job—a woman.

—

two.

You don’t remember much of what happened. One minute Bradley has you forgetting your own name— making you screaming till your throat dry. The next minute your laying there in pool of your own tears, shivering with fear.

He pressed his hand down too hard on your throat. Bradley knows how much you hate any pressure being on it—“Me and Rachel do this all the time baby”.

“Just lay there and stay quiet baby”, Bradley shushes you and you can’t but stare in awe in at the affection hes giving you. For once your making him happy, for once its you on his mind instead of Rachel.

“B-Bradley?” your trying to lay still like he told you to but you can’t help the anxious feeling cursing through your veins when his grip on your throat gets tighter.

Can’t take a little pain Y/n?

“Baby stop whining, I know it been awhile but jesus”. He sighs, and you feel so upset at how pathetic you sound, he just wants to be happy and your not letting him. “Jesus Y/n stop moving”. he rolls his eyes at the sound of you whimpering.

Your face heats up in embarrassment, you weren’t good like used to be. You stifle the sob thats crawling up your throat threatening to escape.

Just stay calm.

Just stay quiet.

But you can’t, your vibrating with so much fear that it makes Bradley more angrier than before. “If your not gonna fucking stay still”, he hisses at you spit flying all over your face, “I’ll glady take myself over to Rachels”.

Your breathing picks up at the mention of her name, you don’t want Bradley leave again— you just got him back again.

You can’t tell if he’s touching you anymore.“Fuck Y/n”

The bed dips as Bradley crawls off of you, his footsteps are heavy with anger. You hear him moving around in the bathroom, the water turning on.

Bradley leaning over you staring at you with a confused look. You think he’s trying to figure out how to pick you up and take you to the bathroom with him.

But he isn’t.

He toss a rag at you, “I don’t want stains on the bed”, Bradley tone is harsh, he’s already walking back to the bathroom, he doesn’t stay to see if you give him a response. He doesn’t wait and see if your okay.

The sob you’d been holding back finally escapes, but it hurts when it does. You can still feel Bradley finger nails digging into your throat-it even hurts to swallow air.

Your skin hurts after you clean yourself with the dry washcloth Bradley gave you. You don’t have enough energy to stand and walk to the nearest sink and run the washcloth under water.

Your eyes must’ve been closed for a while

The bathroom door opens, Bradley standing in the doorway with his toothbrush in his mouth— shaking a towel through his wet curly hair. You meet his eyes and he seems so disappointed in you— you can’t do anything right Y/n.

He moves around the room, grabbing clothes from the drawer to make an outfit. You decide it best to lay there in silence— you can tell Bradley not in the mood to talk , especially not now.

When Bradley does decide to speak to you, he leaning aganist the doorway with his arms crossed over one another. You assume that he draws his eyebrows together at how disheveled you looked.

Your skin is paled and clammy- when’s the last time you’ve had water, food?

Your hair matted from Bradley pulling and tugging at it the entire time. Your scalp sore even when your trying to flip on the less sore side of your head.

“I’m going out Y/n”, his tone flat. Going out doesn’t mean spending time with Phoenix anymore, he’s missed months of Hard Deck nights. It means going to her house, laying in bed with her,fucking her.

He leans off the doorway walking away leaving you in silence. It sounds like Bradley almost stopped at the sounds of your sobs, like he almost cared that you were in pain. His footsteps become out of ear shot—your sobs get louder.

There’s no point of holding them back anymore.

—

three.

Jake Seresin can do alot of things without care, being asshole to his teammates— leaving them behind, picking up random women from the hard deck and having a one night stands.

What he can’t do is watch the love of his life struggle to believe that she’s capable of being loved.

“Just the thought of sex makes me uncomfortable”. Your head laying across Jake stomach, he running his fingers through your hair. “I might not be comfortable for awhile Jake, and if you don’t want that I suggest you—”. Jakes cuts you off, he presses a kiss into your skull, you began to fumble for words.

“Sweetheart”. Jake’s pushing himself from the laying position he was in, his head aganist the headboard. You can’t help but notice the flick the anger that passes through Jakes face , a lump fear settles in your throat-you can’t fault him for being angry at you.

“Did you really think I leave you just like that?”. You can’t tell if Jake really wants you to answer the question because he cares, or because he’s seconds away from hitting you. You figure its because he cares, since his jaw isn’t clenched, he’s not rolling his eyes at you and he hasn’t raised his voice yet.

“I’m sorry Jake”, tears glistening in your eyes—“I know you never would I-I don’t know, can you forgive me”. A couple of tears slide down your face, Jake raises his hand towards your face wanting to wipe the tears away. You almost flinch, forgetting that the man next to you isn’t him— the man next to you despite the rumors is the kindest man known to man, he would rather walk through fire than hurt you.

Its breaks Jakes heart to see Y/n look so distraught. Nothing will ever make Jake Seresin leaves his girl, not even death. He knows about his doll ex-boyfriend, he knows how much that asshole made Y/n feel so little about herself, Jake knew if he ever saw the son of bitch he throw his entire career away just to beat the shit out of him.

His Y/n comes first.

“Jake I-” you started.

“Baby”. Jake pushes himself off the headboard, pulling your head under his chin. “Gotta stop apologizing for things you didn’t do doll— I wish I could put my hands on the man who hurt you”. Jake laces his fingers into yours-“You shouldn’t be sitting here questioning my love for you”. Your head hangs low, your ashamed of yourself for thinking so lowly of Jake.

You can’t help it, he you told all the sames things just the words were different from Jakes. Its only a matter of time until Jake comes home smelling different, till he pushes you away– he can’t stand the sight of you.

Somehow you didn’t realized Jake had changed his positions again, his fingers under your chin forcing you to look at him. You and him hold eachother gazes neither one of you knew what to say to the other, Jake unsure of what to say afraid he’ll accidentally hurt your feelings, he seen what a abusive man can do a woman. Your afraid that whatever words that leave your mouth will push Jake into the arms of woman better than you.

“Thank you Jake”. you whisper, tugging at the dangling thread hanging from the hem of your sleeve. You hate being so insecure, its going to drive Jake away. At one point he’s going to grow tired of reassuring you every two seconds, grow tired of the no sex. He going to get tired of you.

Jake running his hand through your hair again. “Y/n you don’t thank me for loving you. If anything I should be thanking you for letting me in”. He sighs-your looking straight in his eye, and his expression becomes unreadable.“I love you - Y/n L/n, there’s nothing I mean nothing that will ever stop me loving you”.

You blush at how sincere Jake sounds, “I—”. your brain practically shuts down once you realize what Jake saying.

Jake forces himself to not show how frustrated he is, he isn’t trying to make his girl feel uncomfortable. It just angers him to know she has trouble understanding what he saying. Jake wonders what else Y/n isn’t telling him about her ex-boyfriend. What else did he do?

“Sweetheart don’t say it till you comfortable, alright Y/n?. Sorry got carried away reassuring you that I’ll never leave despite that negative thoughts in your head”. It was Jake turn to blush, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

God what did you do to earn a man like that?

Choking back a sob, Jake Seresin is the opposite of the rumors attached to him. You attack him like a koala bear, wrapping your arms around his back — legs around his lower back. He doesn’t lash out at you for the need of physical touch.

He’s whispering god knows what, at some point your loud sobs become quieter and your just sniffling. “Lemme grab the glass water Y/n, M’not leaving ya sweetheart”. Jake southern accent thick with emotion, he leans over to the nightstand grabbing the tiny glass of water. Pressing it up to your lips, “Drink it sweetheart you need it”.

Handing Jake back the empty you see how badly your tears soaked his sweatshirt. You feel bad and of course he notices your upset expression. “Sweetheart its fine, If you must know the navy hands out like candy- its a gift for being the best pilot”. He smirking by the end of that sentence and so are you.

Jake takes his thumb and softly wipes away the single tear falling down your face.“I love you so much Jake Seresin and I’m not saying it just because”. Your running your hands through his short blonde hair.-“You make me feel so loved and no one done that in awhile. Your great fucking man Jake”. You two smile at eachother- “Kiss me Y/n”, he whispers-your lips crashing into his.

Your kissing him all over the neck, his cologne smells like heaven— it feels so nice to be content with life, to be loved.

[merrybloomwrites]

Little Things (Chapter 3)

Summary: You finally feel comfortable enough to slip into your little headspace. It's scary at first, but Harry and Louis are there to care for you, no matter what age you are.

Word Count: 3.8K

CW: mentions of past abuse, dom/sub au dynamics, littlespace, non sexual age-regression

Previous chapters: one ; two

AN: This chapter focuses on reader slipping into little headspace, and really is what I've been waiting to write and share for months. I woke up this morning and sat to write the entire thing basically in one go, which never happens for me. I hope you all enjoy it!

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Your first few weeks living with Harry and Louis are wonderful. You had never let yourself imagine what it would be like to live in a loving home. Not when you never had hope that you’d escape the nightmare you’d grown up in.

But now here you are. Living in a beautiful house, the adopted submissive of two dominants who love not only each other, but you as well. They show how much they care for you every day. They made routines and rules that aren’t overwhelming but still cater to your submissive nature. 

They were even gentle the one time so far when you’d broken a rule. It was three weeks in, and part of you needed to test them, to see if their love really is unconditional. You needed to make sure that they wanted you even when you acted out. So you’d broken a rule, then had an attitude when they asked you about it. 

As your punishment they gave you a gentle spanking, just three swats each over your clothes, then had you write lines. They made sure to give you aftercare, then served dinner and tucked you in that night, same as always. The whole incident made you feel ever more secure in your situation, now knowing that they’re willing to keep you even if you’re not perfect. 

You’ve been living with them for about five weeks now, and still haven’t slipped into your little headspace. There have definitely been a couple of times when you started to get fuzzy, a telltale sign that your mind wanted to regress, but you just weren’t ready yet, so you fought that off and managed to stay up. 

Louis and Harry were doing everything they can to help you be comfortable with slipping. You’ve all had a few conversations where you explain your past, and therefore, your hesitancy with trusting anyone when you’re not fully able to take care of yourself. 

Harry had suggested a pretend little day, where they’d do everything they would have to do when you regress, but while you’re still fully up. That way you would know exactly what they would do even when you aren’t fully present mentally. You hadn’t agreed right away, but last week you’d finally caved. 

The need to drop is weighing on you, and it’s only a matter of time until you succumb to your nature. So you’d spent a day pretending you were in little space, specifically that of a four year old. They’d help you eat, played with you and did crafts, and bathed you that night before bed. It had been odd letting these men help you with these things, but the day had done its job. You were no longer scared to drop with them. You knew they’d be gentle and loving and would take good care of you. 

You’re thinking about this one morning while you finish washing the breakfast dishes. It’s one of your daily tasks. Harry makes breakfast and you clean up. You love being able to help out in this way, and it always starts your day on a positive note.

Just as you’re putting the last dish in the washer, Harry says, “Mitch and Sarah asked if we could watch the kids for a bit so they can go Christmas shopping. Would you be up for that? If not I’ll just go and you and Louis can stay home.”

You think about it for a second before saying, “That sounds fun. I’d like to go.”

“Great, it’ll be a family outing then,” he replies. It makes you feel warm inside, the way he refers to you as family. You’re not sure you’ll ever get over how good that feels to hear. “Once you’re finished here, go get ready and then wait in the living room. We’ll be leaving in half an hour.” With that, he places a kiss on your head and walks out of the room. Those are other things you love, the little shows of fatherly affection as well as clearly stating what you’re meant to do when there are any routine changes. 

You’re excited to spend some time at Mitch and Sarah’s. You’d met them a couple of times and they’re always so kind to you. Plus they have two adorable sons, Rory, who is almost four and Theo who is only a couple months old. And you don’t really want to be away from Harry right now. For some reason you feel a deep need to be close to both of them at the moment, and the thought of one of them leaving the house makes you anxious. 

A short while later you all arrive at Mitch and Sarah’s and the couple heads out to run their errands. This leaves the three of you to watch over the two young boys. You get to feed Theo a bottle and help Louis put him down for a nap, and then you play with Rory while Harry and Louis watch. 

But as time goes on, you start to feel kind of out of it, more shy and quiet, so you head to the living room for a couple minutes. Louis finds you there and says, “You alright, love?”

You smile and say, “I’m okay. Just wanted to sit for a couple of minutes.”

“Okay, if you need anything tell us, okay?”

“I will,” you reply. Just then, sounds come through the monitor alerting Louis that Theo has woken up. Everyone ends up together in the living room and you spend the next hour watching Louis and Harry play with Rory and Theo. You watch how sweet and gentle they are, and you realize that’s how they’ll be with you when you slip. And you start to crave that. You want to be coddled, and held, and cared for. 

The fuzziness starts to get overwhelming, but you do your best not to slip yet. Not while you’re still out. You want to be home with just the two of them.

You’re grateful when Mitch and Sarah return and it’s time to head back to your place. You do your best to act normal when saying goodbye, but it’s clear the others pick up that something is bothering you. 

You struggle with the car door, needing to try twice to get the right grip to open it. The same thing happens with your seatbelt, Harry eventually coming to sit beside you and click it in. He stays with you as Louis drives home, and he asks you what’s going on.

“I’m slipping,” you quietly explain. Both men hear, and are filled with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. They love everything about you, and can’t wait to meet and learn about the younger versions of you. And yet they know how big of a deal this is, and they need to be careful right now to make sure this is a good experience for you. 

Harry reaches out and holds your hand, helping you stay grounded for the rest of the drive. Once at home, the three of you head to the living room. It’s become your favorite spot in the house, and you love sitting on the couch with Harry on one side and Louis on the other. It’s where you want to be when you finally enter headspace. 

The two men cuddle up next to you, giving you the support and comfort you need to allow yourself to slip. It’s noticeable when you finally do. Tension leaves your body and when you open your eyes there’s a glimmer of childlike wonder there. 

“Hello there, little one,” Louis says.

“I’m not little!” you reply, but not in your normal way. “I’m six! That makes me a big kid.”

“Ah, well yes of course you’re a big kid!” Harry says. He won’t admit it, but he’s slightly relieved that you didn’t slip all the way, and you’re still old enough to clearly communicate. 

“And what would our girl like to do today?” Louis asks. 

“Hmmm,”  you say, putting on a big show of thinking. “Can we play dress up?”

“I think we can make that work,” Harry answers. Half an hour later finds the three of you in Harry and Louis' large bathroom. You and Harry are in big dresses, pretending to be princes, while Louis is in an outfit similar to that of a prince. You’re doing Harry’s hair and makeup, bright colors splashed on his cheeks and eyelids. You look at your masterpiece with pride, and don’t notice the proud look Harry and Louis share as well while they watch you. 

The three of you spend the afternoon playing prince and princesses, then coloring, then making a pillow fort. Dinner is a simple meal, and you discover they’ve been hiding mac and cheese in the house this whole time! After dinner you all get into comfy pajamas and watch a disney movie together. You start to nod off during it, and Harry carries you up to bed with Louis following. They tuck you in as always, but this time they stay and sing until you’ve fallen asleep.

The next morning you wake up and you’re no longer in headspace. You're nervous to go downstairs, not sure what to expect.

“Good morning, love,” Louis says in greeting. “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m good. Not in headspace anymore,” you reply, nerves clear in your voice and you sit next to him at the table.

“And that’s completely fine, Y/N,” he says, reaching out a hand to hold yours. 

“You’re not disappointed that I’m already big again?”

“Not at all!”

“And you didn’t think it was weird yesterday when I was?”

“No sweetheart. We’ve told you before, we love you, every version of you. It doesn’t matter what age you’re at, we love you just as you are.” 

Tears fill your eyes at this, and you look to Harry who is nodding along to show he agrees with everything Louis just said. You’re speechless as they both hold you. It’s hard for you to believe that just months ago you were still living in a house of horrors, afraid to slip even a little bit, and now here you are. Safe, loved, and looking forward to entering littlespace again. 

It happens a week later, but under much different circumstances. You’d felt just fine getting into bed, but halfway through the night you have a terrible dream. You’re stuck in it for what feels like forever before you finally wake up crying, yelling out for your Daddy and Papa.

Harry and Louis hear commotion and quickly run to your room. They’re shocked to see you sobbing and reaching out for Harry while saying daddy repeatedly. He picks you up and you wrap your limbs around him, holding on tight. He feels dampness where your waist rests, and realizes that you’ve wet the bed. 

Louis is rubbing your back when Harry tells him this, and he walks away to feel the sheets. The wetness there confirms Harry’s theory and Louis quickly begins to strip the bed and clean it up. But you notice his absence and start crying out again, this time for papa. 

It becomes clear in that moment that little you has chosen names for both Harry and Louis, but they can’t focus on that right now. Getting you changed and calm is their only priority. 

“Papa’s here, baby,” Louis says and he comes over to rub your back once again. “I’m just cleaning up your bed honey. Can you let daddy clean you up as well and then we’ll all go cuddle? How does that sound?”

“Okay,” you finally say between gasps of breath. Harry stands and rocks you for another moment, whispering calming words like, “Daddy’s here”, and “you’re safe,” and “Papa and I have you now”.

His soothing finally works and your sobbing turns into an occasional tear. Harry places you on the changing table and cleans you up, getting you into a new outfit, a pullup going on in place of underwear just to be safe. 

When he’s finished he goes to lay you down in your bed but you fuss once more and say, “No, daddy! Wanna stay with you and papa!” 

“Okay honey, you can stay with us tonight,” he says. Louis grabs your favorite stuffed animal and the three of you make your way to their bedroom. Harry places you down and Louis quickly lays next to you, knowing you’ll be upset when Harry steps away to change his dirty clothes. 

As predicted you start to ask for daddy again just Louis reassures you that he’ll be right back. Finally, all three of you are cuddled together in bed. You’ve forgotten all about your bad dream and are quickly lulled to sleep, surrounded by the warmth of your Daddy and Papa.

The next day you’re still in the headspace of a three year old, but this time a happy one. It’s a day filled with play and giggles, ending with a bubble bath and time in the rocking chair with your daddy as you drift off to sleep.

Once again you're slightly unsure how to feel when you wake up out of headspace. You know they’ve said they love you at any age, but this time they had to bathe you, help you with using the toilet. That has to change the way they see you, right?

You know they’re watching you through the monitor so you say, “I’m not in headspace anymore,” just to let them know. You get up and do your normal routine, and when you get downstairs you see they’re going along with a normal day as well. Nothing has changed, and they still act the same as usual. You’re once again reassured by this, and you’re really starting to believe them when they say that no part of you regressing bothers them. 

Time passes and you slip into headspace more and more, typically for just a day at a time, and always somewhere in the four to seven year age range. 

But now it’s almost the anniversary of the day you were rescued and brought to the shelter. This has you thinking more and more about your home and all the abuse and neglect you experienced there. Your anxiety has been rising for days, and your brain needs to shut down. It needs rest, and an escape. It needs to slip even further than you have yet while living with Harry and Louis.

You just don’t know how to tell them that. It’s scarier than all the other times you’ve slipped. You know that you’ll be fully dependent on them if you allow yourself to do what your mind needs. 

For days you keep it to yourself, hiding the fuzziness you’re feeling and doing everything in your power to stay out of headspace. 

Louis has to head out of town for a couple of nights in order to get prep work done for a few festivals he has coming up. This adds to your anxiety, since you’ve never been separated from either of them for more than a few hours. 

He leaves Monday morning, and you’re good. You’re managing. Tuesday is harder, and most of your energy goes into fighting off the need to slip. 

By that evening you’re exhausted. You’re cranky, and scared, and that causes you to act out, throwing a tantrum unlike one Harry has ever seen. 

He goes to reprimand you and that tips you over the edge. You start to cry, big tears rolling down your cheeks. You fall into Harry, no longer able to support yourself. He carries you over to the couch and places you in his lap, rocking and shushing to soothe you. 

When you’ve finally calmed down you look up at him, your wide eyes red and glimmering from your tears. 

It isn’t until you start calling Harry “Dada”, that he realizes what’s going on. You’ve gone into headspace, and you’re younger than he’s ever seen you before. He doesn’t know what to do, but when he sees your eyelids droop, he decides the first order of business is to get you ready for bed. He starts with a warm bath, then brings you to your room. He opens a drawer they’ve never used before, the one with nappies and onesies. He gets you dressed and cozy and then sits with you on the rocking chair. After singing you to sleep he gently places you in your bed and raises the rails on the sides to ensure you won’t fall out. 

Finally he turns on the monitor so he can watch you and then goes back to the kitchen. He makes himself a cup of tea, and calls Louis.

“Hi love!” Louis says cheerfully as he answers the phone. “How’s it going? How’s our girl?”

“It’s uhm. She’s-” Harry stutters out.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks, immediately picking up on Harry’s tone. 

“It’s Y/N. She’s in headspace.”

“Is she alright?”

“Yea it’s just- She’s young Louis. Like, I think infant young. I got her in bed but, Lou, I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to mess this up.”

Louis is quiet for a second, thinking of the best way to reply, and finally says, “Harry, listen to me. You absolutely know what to do. I trust you completely with her care. But, I’m going to talk to Oli so I can come home right away. Not because I don’t think you can handle this on your own, but because you shouldn’t have to. We’re a team, and we always work together. Hopefully I’ll be home in a couple of hours but if she wakes up, you know what to do. Change her, soothe her, feed her. Those will be her main needs right now. If she’s as young as you think she is then we have those meal replacements in the pantry to make her a bottle.You can do this.”

It’s Harry’s turn to take a pause before he says a quiet, “Thank you, Louis. I feel like I should have seen this coming. She was off all afternoon and then just exploded on me and the next thing I knew she was in my arms calling me dada. It just scared me. But I helped her calm down and then gave her a bath. She’s in bed now.”

“It’s completely understandable to be scared. But it sounds like you did all the right things. You should get some rest in case she wakes up in the middle of the night before I get back,” Louis says.

“Yea, I think I’ll do that. I love you, Lou.”

“I love you too, Harry. I’ll be there soon, definitely by morning but hopefully earlier.”

“Be safe,” Harry implores and Louis assures him that he will be. After saying goodbye, they hang up and Harry listens to Louis’ advice. He gets ready for bed, and goes to lie down, but he’s too worried about you to sleep. He instead goes back to your room, settling in on the rocking chair so he’s close by in case you need anything. 

Harry doesn’t know when he falls asleep, but he’s woken up by sounds in the room. He’s confused when he sees two people in the bed, until he pieces together that Louis is home. Louis is home and sitting in your bed, holding you in his lap and feeding you a bottle. Harry watches for a moment before getting up and moving closer.

“Hi, sun,” Louis says, smiling up at Harry. 

“Hi,” Harry replies sleepily. “Is she alright?” 

“Started fussing a few minutes after I got home. Gave her a change and figured she might be a little hungry. Why don’t you head to bed and I’ll settle her back down?”

“Are you sure? You just spend hours on the road.”

“Ah, well, I spent hours sleeping in the car while Oli drove. So I’m good for a bit. Go get some rest.”

“Okay,” Harry says. He leans down to press a kiss to Louis’ lips, then one to your head, and then heads to bed.

Louis stays with you until you’ve finished eating. He lays you down and makes sure you’re asleep before leaving the room as well.

After a quick bathroom break, Louis climbs into bed next to Harry, who is still awake. 

“How is she?” Harry asks.

“She’s perfect. Peacefully asleep, and well cared for. You did a good job, Harry. You don’t need to worry. I’ve got the monitor going, we’ll hear her if she needs something. Let’s get some more rest.”

Finally they both fall asleep, and the house is peaceful.

For the next two days, you remain deep in littlespace. Louis and Harry diligently care for you, ensuring you’re clean, fed, and happy. They do start to worry and call Emily from the shelter who reassures them that this is normal. She explains that it’s a good thing. It shows how much you trust the two men. And it’s giving your mind a much needed rest.

You finally come up a little at a time. It’s hard for you to readjust to being big again. You’re unsteady on your feet after a couple days of not using them, and Harry and Louis support you to make sure you don’t fall. They give you soft foods at first, scared that you’ll choke on anything else. You have an accident that night while you sleep, and Louis helps you clean up. You’re surprised to find that this no longer embarrasses you. It’s a form of intimacy you never thought you’d have, but you trust him and Harry so much that it doesn’t feel weird. It feels right, letting them in and allowing them to see all of you, both physically and mentally. 

The next night after they tuck you into bed, you think back to one year ago. At that time you never could have imagined this. Having a home full of love where you’re wanted and protected. You can’t help but get back out of bed to find Harry and Louis one more time before you go to sleep. They’re in the kitchen, worried when they see you out of bed, but you smile at them to tell them nothing is wrong. 

“Thank you,” you say. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I love you, daddy, I love you, papa.��� You give each of them a kiss on the head and they give you one in return. 

From then on you’re never afraid to slip into headspace again. You know that Louis and Harry will always be there for you, and that’s all you need.

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AN: Thank you for reading! I have a couple more ideas for this dynamic but I'm not sure when I'll do those. If there's anything you want to see let me know!

[anti-dazai-blog]

Regarding the current Situation in the BSD Tumblr fandom

[note: I typed this in a hurry, so it may not be phrased properly. Please understand that if I was harsh or disrespectful here, it was entirely unintentional and due to the lack of time I have to write this]

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to scroll a few feet down my dashboard without finding a friend getting harassing and bullying asks from “Melozai” (also known as “Dazai anon”, as well as other nicknames I’m unaware of).

You’ve probably seen people receiving asks from her too— typical trademarks of her asks include long blocks of a single repeated phrase sent multiple times (ie a block of text reading “dazai supremacy” around 50 times), censoring names of character she doesn’t like (ie “ch**y*”), and using “jobless” and “probably 30+” (in reference to the poster’s age) as insults (which I believe are Twitter things, because I’ve never seen stuff like that on Tumblr prior to her arrival.)

I’ve also seen people making fun of her after receiving these asks, which makes sense— it’s frustrating to have to deal with, and it can be exhausting to have someone target you over a difference of fandom opinion. 

Regardless,, we. shouldn’t do that.

Please, please if you get asks from this person, just delete them. I know it’s tempting to respond— I’ve responded in the past and made fun of her too. But at this point it’s really clear that this person isn’t in the best headspace at the moment and isn’t doing too well mentally (not sure if I phrased that right but I know you know what I mean).I’m not a doctor so I don’t want to throw around medical terms, but it’s clear that there is a problem here that runs deeper than fandom discourse.

If you’re seeing this post because you follow the Anti-Dazai Blog (ie me.), then please don’t participate in provoking this person further via responding to her. 

If you’re seeing this post through the tags, then chances are it’s because “Melozai” is something new and exciting on your side of tumblr. She’s been here for a while. It may be funny now, but after the 3,000+ ask from her, you will see that this is not a standard hate anon, but rather there is something deeper going on.

[kitthepurplepotato]

Hey fellow potatoes!

I’m sorry to do this to you guys (again) but it’s inevitable;

There will be some changes in the upcoming weeks.

There are quite a few reasons for it:

1.) My life hasn’t been to great in the last few weeks and I haven’t been in the right headspace to write and I’m out of spare chapters to post which means I’m not going to be able to keep posting weekly for a while. (Or I might, it really depends on how my current situation gets sorted out, and sadly, it’s not something I can control.)

2.) I also had to take some overtime at work because my rent went up a ridiculous amount and I can’t afford it otherwise, which means I will have even less time to write/post. Being an adult sucks.

So what does this mean on the long run?

- I’ll keep posting as frequently as I can, but I won’t force myself to try and do every single story weekly, but I’ll try my best to keep it as frequent as possible.

- Some chapters might be late and I’ll post more randomly. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

- If anything changes or my life goes to utter shit instead of being fixed, I’ll make sure to keep you updated about it. I really don’t want to abandon any of my stories and I’m absolutely going to do my best to finish everything up before I disappear. (This sounds so dramatic, but so am I.)

So yeah, don’t worry, I’ll still post stuff, just don’t wait for the next chapters to be uploaded on the same day next week. I know how annoying this is, but trust me, I would rather post weekly than be in the situation I am in right now, I’m so mentally exhausted it’s ridiculous 😂😂 send me cuddles 😭

Love you guys and hope you are all doing okay!

I’m finishing up the next chapter of the Aizawa fic, hopefully I can post it today!

Cheers!

Kit

(This gif is genuinely me right now.)

[madsworld15]

I Am Still Right Here Chapter 2 Part 1 (Brian x Justin, QAF, Support Group AU)

I have been a writing fiend when it comes to this fic. I have uploaded all of Chapter 1 on AO3. This fic will have 2 chapters in total.

As always, I wouldn't be here today writing for the QAF fandom if it weren't for the support of @winderlylandchime @maryp50 and @lostcol

Two Weeks Later

Justin was getting better about being around crowds. Something about having met Brian really eased his mind, even when he wasn’t around the man. Which, if he was dead honest, wasn’t very often. Brian’s cancer treatments had really started to take their toll on Brian’s health. Justin still saw him because he would go to Brian’s office sometimes just to hang out. But, it seemed like each time he went, Brian appeared more and more ragged.

True to his word, Brian never turned him away and never complained about Justin being there. In fact, if Justin were a gambling man, he would bet his next paycheck on Brian getting as much comfort out of his presence as Justin got out of Brian. It was very clear to him that Brian hadn’t told any of his clients or employees that he had cancer. Well, aside from Cynthia and Ted, who seemed to be readily there to cover for him more times than Justin had been able to count. 

Justin wasn’t worried about Brian until he didn’t show up for support group. It had been two weeks since the night he stayed at Brian’s loft, and they’d seen each other every few days since then. The previous Thursday, they had done their now routine visit to Emmett’s business after their group sessions were over. However, this week, Justin waited in the lobby for Brian to show up and was almost late to his own support group because he couldn’t leave the lobby without seeing him. But Brian never showed up, and walking past the room where the cancer group met, Justin could see that Brian wasn’t in there either.

The whole time Jessica was talking, Justin couldn’t focus. He wanted to desperately find out where Brian was and be sure that he was okay. Only, in all their time hanging out together, Justin still didn’t know Brian’s number, nor could he remember the address of his loft, considering how messed up he was that night. So, he worried his lip and played with his fingers while everyone else in the group shared and discussed coping methods for moments of extreme anxiety.

“Justin.” He was pulled out of his thoughts by Jessica’s gentle voice.

“Huh?”

“I was wondering if you would like to share how you are doing with your tolerance of crowds.” She was kind, but Justin wasn’t in a headspace to talk about that. 

So, instead, he talked about what was going through his mind. 

“I met someone. Actually, I met him that night we had to combine the various support groups. Since then, we’ve kind of been hanging out and looking out for each other whenever we happen to cross paths. But tonight, he didn’t show up, and now I’m kind of worried. I haven’t seen him in a few days.” Justin could feel his chest tighten, and the words came out in a panicked squeak by the end.

Jessica got up from her chair and approached Justin’s. She moved slowly and didn’t break eye contact with him.

“Justin, breathe in. Out. Focus on the sound of my voice. Breathe in. Breathe out.” By the time she finished her first round of reassurances, she was standing in front of him. Jessica kneeled down to get level with him.

Once Justin’s breathing calmed down, Jessica came back into full focus, and he could feel tears streaming down his face. Justin swiped at them to make them go away.

“Better?” Jessica smiled and gave his upper arm a squeeze. Justin nodded.

“Is there a reason to be concerned?” Jessica’s question was an attempt to get Justin to rationalize his feelings. At first, his brain resisted, but after a few moments of thinking about it, Justin was able to understand that she only meant well.

“Well, he’s receiving radiation for cancer treatments. And the last time I saw him, he looked really tired and ragged.” Justin bit his lip, “But he was at work at the time, so I figured he must be okay if he was still working. It’s been three days.” 

Justin could feel the tears streaming down his face again. This time, he let them out and even allowed himself to sob.

“Did you try calling him?” Jessica continued to pepper him with questions.

“I don’t know his number. If I want to see him, I usually just go by his office, where he lets me hang out when I get too overwhelmed. Or I see him here.” Justin could feel his chest getting tight again. “What if he’s really sick and no one knows to tell me because the only person in his life that knows about me is his friend Emmett?”

“Do you know Emmett’s number? Maybe you could call and ask him.” Jessica gave his arm a squeeze once more.

Justin shook his head and wiped at his nose, which had started to drip snot. “I know where he works though. Maybe I could go by there.”

Jessica nodded at him encouragingly. “I think that is a smart decision. Allow it to ease your mind and your fears. Or if by some chance something is wrong, it will allow you to know and then deal with it accordingly.”

Justin nodded in agreement and let Jessica wrap him up in a hug. 

“I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough week. I know how important it is to have people in our lives who keep us grounded. So for that person to be unavailable must be very challenging.”

Once their support group session was over, Justin bolted out the door, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone. He ran until he was standing in front of Milk & Honey. Justin wasn’t sure how he’d managed to get there without even thinking, but he was beyond grateful to see lights on in the building. It meant that Emmett was there. Sure enough, the minute Justin knocked, Emmett opened the door and stood aside to let him in.

“I figured I would be seeing you tonight. It is tradition, after all.” Emmett’s voice was flat, unemotional. It wasn’t the same energy Justin had come to expect from the man, which was his first clue that something wasn’t right.

“I haven’t heard from Brian in a few days, and he didn’t go to support group tonight,” Justin said around each heave of his chest as he tried to catch his breath. “What’s wrong? I know something is wrong. Please.”

Emmett turned ever so slightly away. Justin’s heart fell into his stomach. This couldn’t be good. At all.

“Justin.” Emmett turned back to him, wringing his hands, concern all over his face. “I decided to be here tonight because I figured you would come by and that you didn’t know.”

Justin could feel a lump forming in his throat. “Just tell me,” He begged.

“Brian passed out at work two days ago. Cynthia called an ambulance, and he’s been in the hospital ever since. It turned out he hadn’t been able to keep anything down, and his body had gotten too weak.” Emmett moved forward and placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder.

Justin’s tears began anew. He couldn’t breathe, his chest tightened. He couldn’t lose Brian. Sure, he’d only known him a month, but already he’d become Justin’s anchor, his rope when he felt untethered. His vision started to swim as the tears streamed down his face, and his throat swelled up from the excess spit that had nowhere to go.

“Justin. Breathe. Please.” Emmett’s voice sounded extremely far away. But Justin couldn’t latch onto it like he always could to Brian’s when the panic set in. Justin stumbled away from Emmett’s touch and fell to the ground in a ball.

After a few minutes, his tears subsided, and he could slowly breathe steady again. That had been the worst panic attack he’d had in months. Not since before he met Brian. Justin sat up and stared out at Emmett. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” Justin suddenly felt self-conscious.

“I may not know how to help you, but I understand. Brian helps you feel like you won’t float away. The prospect of him being really sick sent your brain into a panic.” Emmett came forward and extended his hand out.

Justin glanced at it, and then into Emmett’s eyes accepting his help. “That’s why I knew I should be here tonight. I’m the only one in our group who knows about you. I didn’t have a contact for you, so I waited.”

“Is he okay?” Justin’s voice came out small and scared.

Emmett gave him a fixed smile. “Oh baby,” He rubbed Justin’s hair soothingly, “He sleeps a lot. He’s not awake much at all.”

Emmett gave Justin a look that silently asked if he could hug the young man. Justin nodded his head in agreement. Not because he fully trusted Emmett’s touch but because he needed a hug from someone he was familiar with, and Emmett was the best he had.

“Tell you what. I’ll call us a cab, and we will go over to that hospital right now.” Emmett clapped his hands and walked over to the phone on his wall.

“But it’s after visiting hours.” Justin knew enough about hospitals, having recently been in one, to know that they had strict rules about when people could come by to see patients.

Emmett dismissed his concern with a wave of his hand. “Baby, I’ve been sleeping with the male nurse who works on Brian’s unit. He would do anything for me. Even a short unauthorized visit.” The Southerner gave Justin a wink and dialed the number for a cab.

When they arrived at the hospital, Justin shuffled along behind Emmett. He was still nervous in hospitals. Emmett either didn’t notice, or he didn’t mind. Whatever the reason, Justin was grateful he could just exist in his shadow.

Emmett directed him up to the third floor. Once they got there, Emmett was greeted by a crowd of people Justin didn’t know. Everyone started chattering at once, excited to see Emmett. Justin pulled away and crossed his arms around his chest, staring down at his shoes. He was trying to prevent another panic attack from surfacing, but all the excitement and loud voices were already too much. 

Then, someone was standing in front of him. He looked up to find Ted. Justin let out the breath he’d been holding and gave a small, appreciative smile. 

“Hey, Ted,” Justin mumbled.

“Hey, Justin. I wondered if anyone had told you. I asked Emmett yesterday, and he said he didn’t know how to reach you. I’m glad he figured it out.” Ted started to reach out and place a hand on Justin’s shoulder, but Justin flinched, and he thought better of it. “Anyway, he’s stable but sleeps a lot.”

“Yeah. Emmett mentioned that.” Justin whispered, dropping his gaze to the linoleum floor once more.

“Hey, baby.” Emmett came up and addressed Justin in his kind, gentle tone. “Deb said the nurses weren’t around, so if you wanted to see him now might be your chance.”

“Deb?” Justin looked up questioningly.

“She’s our mom. Well, not biologically, unless you’re Michael, but yeah, she adopted all of us.” Emmett motioned to a woman with red hair and very loud clothes.

Justin nodded. Emmett wrapped his arm around his shoulder and led Justin down the hall. At about the third room on the right, Justin found Brian in a bed. He looked so pale and small under the fluorescent lights. He sucked in his lips and fought back another round of tears.

“Come on,” Emmett whispered. “Deb also said that when he was awake earlier, he was lucid enough to ask for you. She was very confused, but I cleared things up.” 

Justin slowly approached Brian’s bed. It felt like every time he got up the nerve to take another step, the machine measuring his heartbeat would signal a new beat. After what felt like ages, Justin was close enough to him to touch. He took a deep breath, steeled his nerves, and grabbed Brian’s hand.

Brian’s hand almost immediately shifted in his and their fingers linked. Justin stared at the hand incredulously and then glanced up toward Brian, who was waking up. The older man turned his head and slowly opened his eyes. 

With the tiniest of smirks, Brian croaked out, “Hi.”

Justin let out a sigh of relief, and his tears escaped, falling down his cheeks once more. “I was so fucking scared.”

Brian shifted, his face looking concerned, “I’m fine. Just needed a little R&R.”

“Nobody told me what had happened. I showed up to group today, and you weren’t there and I had a panic attack. Then I went to Emmett’s, and he finally told me.”

“I’m sorry,” Brian’s voice was sincere, but that didn’t mean Justin trusted it. After all, Brian wasn’t one to give apologies.

“I have been really out of it for a few days. I didn’t even think that no one would contact you.” Brian continued, his voice low, no higher than a whisper.

Justin immediately jumped to reassure him. “No, don’t. No one knows me, and the ones who do definitely don’t know where to find me. It doesn’t matter. I know now.”

“But you had a panic attack.” Brian was clearly more concerned about Justin, despite the fact he was the one in the hospital. It warmed Justin’s heart to know this man cared that much.

“Yeah, well, I have them all the time. You aren’t special.” Justin quipped in an attempt to lighten the mood. Brian gave the tiniest of smiles. It wasn’t much, but Justin would take it.

Just then, a nurse came in with an irritated look on her face. 

“Mr. Kinney needs his rest. Visiting hours ended two hours ago. I don’t know what it is about you people thinking you can bend the rules. OUT!” She motioned for Justin to leave.

Justin leaned over and placed a kiss on Brian’s cheek, not stopping to think they didn’t do that, and told him to get some rest. Once he was in the hall once more, Justin started to freak out about the fact that he had broken the rules and had gotten caught, but also that he had kissed Brian.

Emmett gave him a questioning look as Justin returned to the waiting area and collapsed into a chair. He didn’t even give attention to any of the people milling about. He didn’t know most of them, and he needed time to unpack what had just happened. He kissed Brian without even thinking, it was like second nature to him. 

Why did I do that? We don’t kiss. We aren’t even dating. The fuck, Taylor!

“Who the fuck are you?” A voice screeched out, drawing Justin back to his surroundings. Before him stood a short, dark-haired man, his face was contorted into an indignant expression, and his eyes were shooting bullets at Justin.

“Oh, um, I’m Justin Taylor. Brian and I met at support group.” Justin shrugged and looked beyond whoever this man was to the familiar face of Emmett, who also shrugged.

“Oh honey,” The red-haired woman named Debbie stepped forward with pity in her eyes. “You have cancer, too?”

Justin forced a smile and shook his head, “No, I go to a support group for PTSD. We just happened to meet because one night, about a month ago, our groups were combined into one due to staff shortages.”

“So, you met Brian once, and what, now you are stalking him?” The short, dark-haired man piped in again.

“No, Brian and I hang out sometimes.” Justin shrugged. 

“It’s true. I’ve seen him at Kinnetik regularly for the last few weeks.” Ted piped up in Justin’s defense. “Brian doesn’t talk about it, but it’s a thing.”

“So, you bother him while he’s trying to work? What is wrong with you?” The angry man continued. Now Justin was irritated.

“Michael,” Debbie warned.

“What is your problem with me?” Justin stood up, going toe-to-toe with the man named Michael. “Is it really that threatening to you that your friend met someone going through something similar, so he started spending time with them?”

“How the fuck is PTSD anything like Cancer?” Michael spat out at him in response, not answering the initial question.

“What the fuck does it matter to you.” Justin was done. He had seen Brian, so now his brain had settled, but he didn’t have the mental capacity to stand there and be attacked by other people in Brian’s life.

“Justin, please don’t go.” Emmett stepped forward and begged him.

“I should get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow. Thank you for bringing me here, Em.” Justin surprised himself and Emmett by wrapping the man into a deep hug.

“Come by tomorrow after work, honey. I’m sure Brian will be grateful to see you.” Debbie spoke up.

Justin nodded and gave Emmett another hug. Then he went back down to the hospital’s main lobby and walked out into the night air. It was only just now 9 pm, and the weather wasn’t too cold. Justin needed the time to think over everything that happened, so instead of calling a cab he decided to walk the mile to his and Daphne’s apartment.

As he walked, he thought about how much his life had become intertwined with Brian’s without actually being introduced to the whole picture. Somehow, Justin had come to rely on Brian without knowing his family or his friends. And while Brian had repeatedly told Justin he was never in the way when he came by the office, Justin couldn’t help wondering if it had all been a lie.

Michael’s words rang in his ears. Was he being weird and inserting himself into Brian’s life where he wasn’t wanted? Did Brian feel the same way about it as Michael? Sure, in the hospital room Brian had seemed concerned about Justin, but that could just be an act. It could just be human decency, worrying about someone you know as an acquaintance. There was no way Brian actually wanted Justin around or even wanted him to visit him in the hospital. Once was enough. He wouldn’t bother the man again. After all, the nurse had said he needed his rest.

[hadesforpreswrites]

somewhere in neverland, pt. 1

a/n: after much deliberation with myself, i decided to continue "emotional support boyscouts" with a jk fic where the reader battles bipolar (type ii) disorder. again this is something that i deal with and this is similar to what happens to me. everyone's experience with mental illnesses is different and i understand that.

there is no romance in this particular part but there will be a part two, so bear with me. i didn't want it to feel forced and i think i've laid a decently solid groundwork for a strangers-to-friends-to-lovers story.

as always, please let me know if you like this and maybe even what you'd like to see in a part two so i can keep that in mind when i write it. 🥰 AND if i missed any tags you think should be in the warnings, let me know!

banner made by yours truly

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

genre: hurt/comfort

warnings: bipolar (type ii) disorder, mental health issues, playfully light bullying of one kim namjoon, jungkook gets attached to reader quickly

word count: 2,733

summary: jungkook hasn't left his house in days and barely answers texts, namjoon has a friend who does something similar - so he introduces them

jungkook lets out a groan as he hears a knock at the door. bam is already waiting expectantly for the visitor to enter. when he doesn’t immediately answer, he hears the door open to reveal namjoon carrying bags of takeout. 

“hey, bam,” namjoon cooed at the doberman. “where’s your dad?”

“in here,” jungkook’s voice came muffled from the couch in the living room.

after removing his shoes, namjoon padded into the room and set the food on the coffee table in front of the couch. “we haven’t heard from you in a few days. i was getting worried.”

“so you break into my house?”

“not breaking in if i have a key, kook.”

jungkook huffed. “i’ve responded to group chat messages.”

“using emojis and one word responses.”

“still responses,” he mumbled.

“right, sure,” namjoon replied, getting the food out of the bags and placing them on the coffee table. “come on, eat.”

the two men ate in silence for a few minutes until namjoon could no longer take it. “man, when was the last time you left this house?”

jungkook looked up at him with wide eyes and noodles hanging out of his mouth and shrugged.

in truth, it had been a couple weeks since he properly left his house. he hadn’t been feeling up to doing much lately so he hasn’t been. he didn’t realize it was a big deal until namjoon showed up.

“you haven’t left the house in a while and you’re answers to texts leave a lot to be desired,” namjoon then sighed. “we’re worried about you. i’m worried about you.”

namjoon knew that coming from him, jungkook would listen. he knew that he had somewhat gotten through to him when the younger put his bowl and chopsticks down with a sigh. 

“i don’t know, hyung. i just don’t have it in me right now.”

“i think i understand,” namjoon thought for a moment. “let me take you somewhere.”

“where?”

“it’s a surprise. finish your food and go get dressed.”

jungkook knew that it would be in vain to try to argue with the older man now so he ate and dressed.

while he was getting dressed, namjoon called for a ride. when the ride arrived the two were on there way to whatever namjoon had planned.

after about half an hour, the car pulled up in front of a cozy-looking bookstore. “hyung, why are we here? i don’t even read that much.”

“a habit that should be changed, but that’s not the only reason we’re here. i want you to meet someone.”

jungkook sighed. “i’m not really in the headspace to meet anyone new.”

“which is why you’re going to. besides, i think you’ll enjoy her company.”

“please tell me you’re not trying to set me up.”

“please, i know better. besides, i don’t want to lose her as a friend because of you,” namjoon teased, bumping his shoulder into the younger man’s.

“first of all, i’m not the worst one in our group and you know it. secondly — actually i don’t have a second thing. let’s just go.”

a small bell above the door jingled as they entered the small building. “friendly reminder that cameras are not permitted in this establishment,” said a feminine voice from behind the counter, the woman it belonged to not even looking up from her book. 

“wow, not even a ‘hello, how are you, joon?’” namjoon teased the girl.

“nope. you’re not special,” she jabbed, sticking a bookmark in her place and looking up with a bright smile.

“well, you are,” namjoon winked as the two men approached the counter.

“nice try, kid.”

“kid?! i’m like two years older than you,” namjoon whined, causing her to laugh.

it was a laugh that jungkook would not soon forget; it sounded magical to his ears.

“this must be jungkook,” she said and oh god she’d said his name and suddenly he didn’t want anyone else to say it again.

“i seem to be at a disadvantage.” it was something jimin was more likely to say than himself. “you know my name but i don’t know yours.”

“y/n. i must not be that special if joon hasn’t even told you about me.”

y/n, he thought to himself. beautiful name for the beautiful girl standing in front of him.

“how did this turn into a kim namjoon roast? you know what? don’t answer that, i’m going to browse to make myself feel better,” namjoon huffed, playfully.

“for what it’s worth, i do think hyung told me about you. i just haven’t been great at retaining information lately,” jungkook blushed, trying to make amends for his friend.

she smiled at him, making his heart race and his blush deepen. “you must be the one he’s worried about. don’t worry he didn’t tell me specifics, didn’t even tell me which band member it was. i’m glad he was able to get you out of the house. though, i didn’t doubt he could. he’s very persuasive.”

jungkook breathed out a small laugh in agreement. “yes he is. he broke in with food.”

she gasped, feigning fear. “what a scary burglar.”

a moment passed. “you know,” she started. “he’s done that to me before too.”

jungkook looked up at her, stunned. for all he knew the two had only met recently, but as he said: he hasn’t been retaining much information.

“well, not exactly. he doesn’t have a key or anything,” she clarified. “but he did show up unannounced with food and drug me here.”

“he made you come to work?”

she let out a small laugh of her own. “believe it or not: this is my happy place. my mom bought this place when i was in my teens. she won’t admit to it but i know it’s because of how much i’ve always enjoyed reading and just being around books. she let me make little reading nooks out of thrifted furniture in various spots around the bookshelves. before i started working here full-time, and sometimes while i’m on the clock, you could find me curled up in one of the oversized chairs.”

he looked over at one of the old, large leather chairs and imagined her curled up with a blanket, book, and cup of tea. it was an image that somehow brought even him peace. to know that somewhere there was someone who wasn’t burdened by the weight of the world, at least in these little moments, made him feel a little better. 

“why’d he feel the need to do that?” jungkook asked before he could stop himself.

“because my mom asked him to…and he’s a good friend,” she gazed over at the older man who had taken a place in another chair with his nose in a book. 

he was looking at her. for the first time in their short meeting he noticed a sadness in her eyes, worry on her brow.

“i hadn’t left my apartment in weeks, had honestly barely come out of my room. barely ate anything. couldn’t be bothered to answer texts let alone calls. all i could get myself to do was sleep.”

it was sounding all too familiar to jungkook.

“i hadn’t even showered in a week by the time namjoon made it over. i opened the door with greasy hair, a sweatshirt and shorts that i’d been wearing all week, and a headache. he didn’t judge me, just ushered me back inside. told me to get in the shower while he laid out our food, he even did my dishes. after we ate he said it was time to get out of my cave and brought me here. it was the first time i’d smiled in weeks.”

he felt a pang in his heart at the hurt in her voice. he saw a tear fall from her eye and reached over to wipe it from her cheek. he swore he felt her lean into his touch. 

“sorry,” she said when he pulled away. “i so didn’t mean to unload on you the day we first meet. you must think i trauma dump on everyone.”

“i think you’re brave for being able to talk about it. even to a relative stranger.”

~a few weeks later~

jungkook found himself occupying space at the bookstore at least once or twice a week now. he and y/n found themselves growing close, becoming friends. he still couldn’t shake his listless feeling but coming to hang out with her while she worked, or read, helped. he started being more active in his group chat with the boys and started working out again.

“there’s someone i want you to meet,” he said one day out of the blue.

“oooh, do i finally get to meet jimin?” she teased.

“i mean i could arrange that. but no, that’s not who i was talking about,” he said, unsure of why his chest tightened and why he suddenly felt a pang of resentment toward his friend. “i think bam would really like you.”

he reveled in the way her eyes brightened. “oh my gosh. i would love to meet bam.”

“can i bring him here? he could use a day out.”

“absolutely. bring him here. i’ll read all the books to him and make him love me,” she said, causing him to laugh.

he didn’t know that every time he smiled or laughed when she at something she said or did, she felt a little lighter.

“excellent,” he said. “i’ll bring him tomorrow.”

and he did. he was right, bam did like her a lot. he commanded almost all of her attention. jungkook found himself smiling just watching the two interact. 

“i think i like him more than i like you,” she told him. 

“well, he is objectively better than me.”

~

she had quickly become one of his favorite people. which is why when about two weeks later when he walked into the bookstore and saw it was closed he began to worry. he pulled out his phone and called namjoon.

“is it weird for the store to be closed randomly?” was the first thing out of his mouth when the older man answered, not a greeting.

“well, hello to you too.”

jungkook sighed. “sorry, hyung. hello, how are you? is it weird for the store to be closed randomly?”

“y/n’s store?”

“yeah.”

“maybe she had appointments or something. is there a sign on the door?”

“no.”

“shit. hold on, let me call you back.” with that namjoon hung up quickly.

jungkook paced in front of the store, worry growing in his chest as he sent her a quick text, not wanting to pry too much in case she really was busy.

“where is she?” he mumbled to himself. he didn’t realize how important this new routine had become to him until this moment. he answered his phone immediately when it rang.

“she’s at her apartment. her mom said she hasn’t left since the last time you were at the store.”

“hyung, that was like a week ago. can you tell me where her apartment is?”

namjoon gave him his address, not thinking of the potential consequences because they were both worried.

jungkook walked quickly back to his car and tried his best not to speed to her apartment building. traffic was not on his side today as he hit every red light and there were many vehicles on the road, more than he remembered when he was on his way to the store to begin with.

besides their first meeting, they never really spoke about the time namjoon pulled her out of a dark place. he didn’t know what to expect when he pulled into a parking space in front of the tall building. he pushed the button to the elevator and bounced on his feet. it was taking too long. he let his eyes flit back and forth between the door for the stairs and the elevator (that still wasn’t here). he shook his head and kicked the door open.

not once did it cross his mind until later as to why he opted to run up twelve flights of stairs for a girl he wasn’t dating and/or sleeping with - a girl he’d only known a matter of weeks. adrenaline must have kept him going because he ran all the way to her door and knocked. after his frantic knocking, he doubled over, hands on his knees, breathing hard.

it took a couple of minutes but soon the door began to open slowly. jungkook lifted his head, peering through his hair, and saw that the door was only opened slightly and there was no light but he could make out the rough shape of a human.

he stood up to his full height. “i wasn’t sure you’d open the door,” he said, hoping to lighten the mood.

“couldn’t see anyone through the peephole. thought it might be a child.”

“half right. can i come in?” he asked, smiling big at the girl.

“i don’t know, jungkook. it’s kind of a mess in here and-”

“i could not care less about the state of your apartment. i only care that you’re breathing and if you’ll let me in so we can talk.”

she let out a shaky breath, “okay.”

the door opened wider and she shuffled back, giving him space to enter. once he was in her apartment and the door was shut again, he searched for a lamp or some form of light. 

does she have blackout curtains up in the living room? he asked himself.

once he located a lamp by the couch, he made himself comfortable. it was her effect on him, when she was around he felt at ease, even when she was in this state.

she sat down on the opposite side of the couch, facing him, legs bent in front of her, like a shield. “did my mom call namjoon again?”

“no, i think he called her actually. i went to the store and it was closed so i called him.”

“and then you pulled a namjoon and showed up? but without food?”

“he’s more nurturing than i am. plus, i was in a bit of a rush.”

“why? i was just sleeping.”

“for a whole week?”

“maybe.”

“y/n…” he sighed.

he didn’t know what to say to make this situation better. so he opted to ask the question that had been on his mind since the day they met.

“why? why does this happen?”

she looked down at her hands, picking at her cuticles. “i-” she sniffled.

“hey,” he said quietly, moving closer to her and taking her hands in his. “whatever you’re going to say, doesn’t change anything. let me in. please.”

she didn’t look up at him when she said, “i’m type two bipolar. and when i’m on my medication i feel fine. but the pharmacy is having some issues getting it this time so i haven’t been able to take it.”

“i’m not gonna try to pretend to know what that’s like but i’m so sorry it’s happening.”

“thanks,” she mumbled. “most of the time, i’m fine. or i can pretend. but sometimes when i’m off my meds, before the mania can set in, i end up sleeping. a lot.”

“what happens when the mania sets in?” he wanted to be prepared for what she might need from him. he wasn’t prepared this time and for that he’ll always feel a little disappointed in himself.

“it changes every time. one time i decided i was going to grow my own vegetables and bought all the things, including soil, to do that.”

“how’d that go?”

“it didn’t.”

they sat in silence for a few minutes before he broke it. “i’m sorry.”

“you don’t have to apologize for something that’s not your fault. my brain just doesn’t behave right without help. it’s no one’s fault,” she smiled sadly at him.

before he could stop himself, he pulled her to him in an awkward, tight hug. “okay but promise me one thing.”

“what’s that?”

“you’ll let me know when it gets like this again. i don’t want you sitting here alone.”

“i can’t promise that, jungkook.”

“what if we set up a simple code? like you send a not very used emoji. like that one that has smoke covering its face.”

“what is that one even for?”

“it’s for this, obviously.”

“okay, i promise.”

“good.”

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter One

“Okay girls, turn over your papers now.”

The whole hall fills with the sound of rustling paper as sixty of us flip over English Paper One in tandem. I take a deep, shuddering breath and read the first question. 

SECTION 1. TEXT 1. This text is taken from An Irishwoman’s Diary by journalist, Lara Marlowe. She was Irish Times correspondent in Beirut and Paris, and is now based in Washington. Here she responds to an article critical of cats written by her friend and fellow journalist, Rosita Boland.

I read the article. Then I read the questions. Then I read them again. From my seat at the back of the hall I glance up the aisles of students, most of them already writing something. I hold my pen over the blank, lined page in front of me, my hand trembling slightly as I write down Question 1. Then I hesitate, I try really hard not to panic and then I read all the questions one more time. 

Claire, who is one aisle over and three desks from the front, turns around slowly, knowing she’s not allowed to look at anybody else but does anyway, checking first that the examiner isn’t watching her. Her eyes widen to saucers and she shakes her head at me in disbelief. “What the hell is this?” She mouths, and I shrug. We’ve already talked about this. Neither of us is going to do well in our Leaving Cert, it’s not just speculation. It’s fact, and I’ve never been more convinced of it now as I sit in this hot room, day one, paper one, question one, and I can’t even think of how to begin. 

It had all seemed a lot funnier a few weeks ago when we agreed upon how ill prepared we were. Claire has never done well academically, in fact I’m almost sure she’s got undiagnosed dyslexia, even though her proud-as-punch parents refused to have her assessed even after the guidance counsellor practically begged them to. Meanwhile I spent the whole year in the art room working on my portfolio instead of joining the after school study group, mostly because Kelly was doing it, but also because I haven’t been in the headspace. It’s been a strange year. Now though, on this bright June morning with a three and a half hour exam ahead of us, nothing seems that funny anymore and the choices I’ve made throughout the year seem to be nipping at my heels. The terror in Claire’s eyes illustrates exactly how I feel. I’m not sure how we’re going to get through nine more of these truly harrowing papers, but I know that I have to try. I put my head down and start writing something – anything at all. 

When we finally spill out of the hall that afternoon I feel like my body is made from rubber. Claire and I console one another outside the doors, arms around one another in defeat. 

“That was awful.” She complains. “I’ve failed.”

“You haven’t failed. Nobody fails English.”

“I’ll be one of the few that does.”

I let her go and start digging around the bottom of my bag for my keys. “Let’s go to Starbucks. We’ll get chai lattes and try to make ourselves feel better.”

Right then Kelly comes sweeping out of the hall, her new best friend Cristina at her side. She’s one of those mousy brunettes who wears her school bag straps tightened all the way, and has a particular fondness for horses. I’ve seen her show jumping at the agricultural fairs before, and I’m convinced she’s the one behind the fan page on Facebook that’s been set up for herself and her horse Barney. It’s just a stream of photographs of her on the horse with weird captions like Cris and Barney looking fab! I distinctly remember Kelly complaining about how strange she was before, but now here they are, joined at the hip, and I know purely because she needs to have someone in her corner. It doesn’t even matter if she likes her or not. 

“That was so easy.” Kelly says loudly. “I thought they’d at least make paper one a bit of a challenge, but it was a breeze. I’ve never felt more confident” She’s trying very hard not to look at either Claire or me, thinking she’s being sly, but Claire gives my ribs a little nudge with her elbow and I know that we’re going to be laughing about this over coffee in about ten minutes. Kelly thinks these types of statements are devastating to our psyche, but when we’re together she holds no power over us anymore, even if sometimes when I’m alone I remember the fun we used to have. She wasn’t always awful, she wasn’t always mean, and there’s times that I feel sad for what’s been ruined, but I’d never ever admit those things out loud. 

Claire and I leave the school building and climb into my car. I can drive now. I passed my driving test in April, much to her delight, because now that Shane is away at college she needs someone to transport her wherever she wants to go. My car isn’t very good, actually, it’s my dad’s car, and it’s from 1995. The shine has worn off the paint so that it’s this weird, matte, chalky texture, so it’s not good looking, but it’s better than nothing at all in a town that doesn’t even have public buses. We spend so much time in this car, just driving around and talking and eating McFlurries. We used to talk about boys a lot. She’d tell me all about Shane and what he was doing and how she felt about it, about how weird it was to be away from him and to not ever really know what he was doing up there in UCD.

“Studying science.” I’d always tell her jokingly. 

“Yes, but what else? Did you see all the hot girls they had in the prospectus?”

“And he isn’t looking at any of them. If he was, he’d be some fool.”

“He’d be a dead man.”

“Any messing from him and we’ll drive through campus and plough him down.”

“I love how you always have my back.”

She listened to me talk about boys for a while too, but it was really only ever one boy. It was fun while it lasted, going into depth about all these tiny details like the way the muscles in his arms moved when he changed gears in his car, the curve of his nose bridge from his side view, the exact places where he put his hands and the way he turned his head when he kissed me, but after a while she began to get bored of hearing it. 

“You know, there are other fellas out there.” She started saying. “The world is filled with hipster-y arty type boys, you just have to go out and look for them.”

“I don’t want other boys.” I’d said. “I want him.” And I did. I still do, even though we don’t talk to each other anymore. Sometimes, late at night when my head is swirling and I can’t sleep I’ll open up our old email thread from last autumn and read through every message until I reach the last one. It’s from me, sent on the 6th of November, and it says: Happy birthday! I hope you’re going to do something fun today. Do you think your new friends will get you a cake, or maybe take you to a bar? It would be great, and I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. I’ hope that your project is coming along well. I don’t know how you do it, and in German too! Das ist klasse!!! I better try to learn a few words for when I get to visit you. All the best, E. 

He never responded, and it feels like my message is still hanging somewhere in the ether, just waiting to be acknowledged, for him to remember that it’s there, to pluck it out and finally type out his response, but I know now that he won’t. Too much time has gone by, and too much has happened. Still, there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about him, looked at a picture of him, googled his name. 

Prev // Next

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

✨✨✨✨✨ANGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ✨✨✨✨✨

Okay hiii ~~ I’m dumping all these thoughts on you so be prepared 🤭

So like I said in my last message, I’ve been a very dark place recently where everything seems like it’s constantly hitting, but after asking for your advice, I took it to heart and really followed if, finding it really did help taking it one tiny step at a time with the simplest things. Life is still throwing every little shit it can find at me, but I’m dealing with it much much better, and I feel like I owe you some thanks to that, so again, I don’t think I can ever tell you how much I appreciate you and enjoy your presence!! I never got to respond to it, but I read your post recently and felt like this was more important to respond first.

Two, I’m so saddened to hear you’re feeling a bit lost about the writing and fandom. I haven’t been on much trying to focus on my self so I don’t know much, but when I do check in every now and then, it does seem… quiet? I hope and think it’ll liven up the closer it comes to June. But regardless of that—

I ADORE YOUR WRITING. Your writing is some of the most thought-provoking, emotional pieces I’ve read, and it truly shows and reflects just how much heart and soul you put into it. I’ll be honest, there’s some times when I can’t read certain fics of yours because I’m not mentally in the right headspace for some, but— to me— it just reflects on how great and impactful your writing is!!! Idk if u remember, and this was when I newly started following you so I was like extra super nervous and shy lol, but the person that requested the jealous Ettore was me. I think I remember sending an anon back and thanking you bc I was impressed and thankful you accepted it, but also I was so shy my hands were shaking the entire time so it was a bit blurry lol. I remember literally fangirling and gushing to my two friends (one who doesn’t even care about Ewan lmao) about how I was so impressed and blown away by it!! Your Ettore series had me hooked (AND IM STILL NOT OVER HOW IT ENDED— I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I will sue you for my emotional damages 🥺)! The Aemond one where after a toxic relationship, the reader tries to escape and he doesn’t let her literally made me want to wallow in the despair. And the Michael Gavey one where I basically wrote an essay of how much I loved it is still one I think about way too much for it to be healthy— plus it’s given me some really crazy dreams 🤭 Those are just my top three! Much to say, I adore your writing. I adore the commitment and dedication you give and feed us. And most importantly, I adore you. Although selfishly I hope you continue, I hope you know no matter what you ever decide to do, I’ll always support and follow. I am a la loyal after all 🤭😂

In all seriousness, I hope life is treating you well, and i hope you’re being kind to yourself. I’m sending all my love and support!! Please stay safe and healthy. Much much much love to you, Ange 🩶🩶🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

Post Scriptum:: this was insanely long and completely manic-produced, I am so so sorry !! ✨

I am so glad that my advice has helped a little and things are starting to improve for you. I hope they continue to get better!

I had no idea your were my jealous Ettore anon! I had so much fun writing that, thank you for sending it! And thank you for the kind words, they truly mean a lot. You have never been anything but kind and supportive to me, and I hope you realise how appreciated it is!

I've no plans to deactivate this blog. I enjoy reading other people's fics, and looking at all the pretty gifs. I just need to do something for myself that makes me feel better about my own creative output. I've no idea what that is yet, but I will figure it out!

Thank you for taking the time to check in. I hope the rest of your week is a good one. Sending so much love to you! xoxo

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Hey guys.

So I know I’ve been really quiet lately and I haven’t updated anything in over a month and I just wanted to address that. Things here aren’t great, I’m in a really weird headspace because I’m going no contact with mum once I move out and it’s just making me feel really weird and out of place while I’m waiting for that, not to mention the fact that she’s up to her usual bullshit which leaves me drained and exhausted. I also don’t have a functioning space to write atm because while I moved out last year I got demoted to the box room and my sister took my old room (which y’know, it’s fine I get it) but that comes with all my shit having to fit into a room that has furniture that’s way too big/takes up too much space even before I’ve gotten my stuff in, and I’m just cramped and claustrophobic with no access to my desk or a surface that I can write on, and it’s created this perfect storm of lack of writer’s block and zero motivation that I just can’t defeat right now.

So, I’m going on an indefinite hiatus. I wish I could say it’s only going to be a few weeks or a month, but I can’t put a time frame on it. Hopefully, everything lines up for me to move out in August and once I have some peace and some space for myself I can get back into my fics again. But for now, everything is on pause, and I’m so sorry for disappointing people waiting for updates, I promise that I’m trying to get back to a place where I can write again, but I just don’t see it happening any time soon.

Love and big hugs to you guys

- G

[gyuwoncheol]

Hello, lovely people.

Sorely aware that I haven’t been active at all the past weeks ☹️ Work has been beating me down to the bones and will probably continue to do so until the whole month of January. As much as I want to get writing and continue my many wips, I’m just not at all in the right headspace to do that because my brain. is. just. so. tired.

I’ll try to work on a few thoughts that are in my askbox, and well, I think I have a short break between Christmas and New Year’s so hopefully inspiration and energy comes through. Other than that, I really hope you’ll stay patient with me. I’ll still be on here to reblog works of friends/moots and other authors I admire 💛 love you guys! I hope the holidays are treating you well!

P.S. I just realised now that Sir, Please, 15 Minutes and Room Service have passed the 2k notes mark. I am amazed and also very amused. Those 3 are literally my filthiest pieces 😂 but thank you guys so much! The love, and especially replies and reblogs are so appreciated 🫶🏼

[moonlinos]

Milaaaaa!!! I love you so so much, I really love your work. I know you've been working on a bunch of things, and I cannot wait to read them all! Buuuut, I know this takes time, so please, do not rush yourself. In the making, male sure you drink lots of water, eat and sleep well. 🩷🩷🩷

This was such a sweet message thank you so much, I really needed this 🥺🩷💞💘💖💝 my mental health kinda peaced out these past couple of weeks so I really haven’t been writing at all. I’m slowly getting better though!!

I’m really close to finishing a story, I just need to be in the right headspace to think of a way to wrap it up nicely. I feel bad about not posting anything for so long, but I really have not been well enough to write 🙃 but everything always passes and this will not be any different 🫡 I love you too, thank you for this message, it made my day 🩷🌷

[tsukiida]

I haven’t used this blog for more than three years now. I really meant to, and I had so many ideas that I wanted to write (and started writing). But somehow, life went from one place to another and I just fell out of writing (the specific works I planned to share here), despite still keeping up with the manga. I also took some long breaks from tumblr. As time passed, the idea of being active here without having anything to post became more and more daunting.

Earlier this month, I checked my drafts for this blog and found so many works that I liked and planned to reblog “when I would be active”, but they were from people that deactivated in the time that I wasn’t here. That gave me a perspective I’ve not yet unpacked and don’t know how to. It sucks that I never got to let those writers know how much their work brought me happiness and comfort.

I’m sorry if I let anyone down who was looking forward to more of my writing. I still have my phases where I want to write for bnha every two years or so, but it’s so hard to commit to maintaining a whole blog for it. I don’t think I can. Not right now, at least. I still read fics now and then, but I don’t feel I’m in the right headspace to write. (Catch me unexpectedly getting obsessed with a college!lov au, or the single dad aizawa that has been in and out of my head the past few weeks 😩)

I’m not expecting a response (not that those aren’t appreciated, I would just be super surprised if anyone still saw my posts). This is mostly a personal message to myself— it’s my blog, but somewhere down the line, the idea of being perceived (by my 50 or so followers) made me tiptoe around tumblr and essentially act like a ghost who hasn’t been around despite still sometimes being around, you know? I think I want to dis-associate my identity as Tumblr User Tsukiida from my identity as an anime reader-insert content writer, and use tumblr again without any self-imposed expectations of performing as a writer.

I said “mostly a personal message”, because I just wanted to give anyone who still sees my blog a heads up if I start posting/reblogging stuff other than bnha/hq fics. Rebranding, losing a brand, whatever it is. I guess I’ll be doing it.

IF I still end up writing on this blog again, kindly pretend I didn’t make this post, teehee. More than anything, I wrote this because I needed to use this account again. It’s been so desolate and demotivating without any activity.

I hope life has been treating you all kindly. Remember that you are precious. Cherish yourself. I’ve enjoyed the memories we made here, even if they are more than three years old and spanned over a month at most. 😝 Love you all! Cheers! 💖💞

[letterstoponyo]

08/30/23

dear ponyo,

i’m sorry i haven’t been writing to you. i have not been in the proper headspace to articulate my thoughts. all i kept doing was tuning out everything in my head, even the good stuff. i’m not okay, and i don’t know how to tell people that i’m not. i’m about to start a semester with a lot of classes to take on and i have the faintest idea if i could pull any of it off. i’m sorry if this isn’t a letter updating you of what changes our home underwent recently, i just really need to get it out in the open that i’m in a terrible place mentally and i want to tell people about it without dragging them down with me.

i miss you ponyo. i always do. my belief in a lot of things is always tested by the odds i’m dealt with but i never not believe that you’re still out there, someplace fun and painless. and that you pay us a visit when most warranted.

i know you still visit us. and i know you’re here right now. earlier tonight i told your dad that i cannot wait for ponpon and yoshi to grow a little bigger so they’d be able to climb up the shelf you used to sleep at, right beside the lamp. and before i even finished the second paragraph of this letter i found yoshi walking back and forth that shelf. they weren’t able to do that before tonight and i know that was no coincidence. that was you, and it was such a warm moment. how do you make us feel loved even from a place unseen? i needed that. i vehemently, desperately needed that. i know you taught yoshi how to climb the shelf. i know you wanted to alleviate what i was carrying in my chest and head even just slightly, in your own little ways. you didn’t just do slightly, you did the whole nine yards and more lengths after that. i love you ponyo. you’re a hero. i don’t know what good i did in life to have ever deserved to be your parent in the 9 months you were alive. i’m still your mom and your dad is still your dad beyond death’s schedule. our bond cannot be severed by even the sharpest of the grim reaper’s blades. you’re ours and always will be.

you’re gone two weeks now. no it doesn’t get easier. but the little gifts you leave through the whole of our home help remind us that death isn’t like a period that ends a sentence, but a comma that pauses but allows you to carry on still.

yours always,

mom and dad