#and i realize its a theme i find myself drawn to

[nostomannia]

It's kinda funny.

I talk about how I don't want people to misunderstand Solita as a character. There's no easy answer to her. Where do the sins of an abuser end and the sins of the victim begin? There's no simple path forward. You can't just separate Solita from Deity, there's a long, convoluted path she has to walk to be able to walk away.

But Solita is also meant to be misunderstood. She's purposely misleading. She's a habitual liar, and not even honest to anyone, not even herself. She's confusing and unpredictable, and shapes herself to what others want her to be. A friend, an enemy, or anything in between. She's approachable and yet unreachable. An actress in life.

[artofmaquenda]

I began creating my "moonpaintings" in 2020, back when I often felt intense physical pain each month. I’ve always felt compelled to make art, though it’s rarely easy to explain why. Often, it feels like I’m driven by pure curiosity—or maybe even a touch of madness. When I started, I didn’t fully understand what this process meant to me. Sometimes we think we know why we’re drawn to something, only to realize it reflects something deeper or unexpected within us. Painting with my own blood became a raw way to explore emotions I couldn’t easily put into words.

Looking back, I realize this art was also a response to emotions I didn’t know how to handle. I carried a quiet sadness, though I never wanted to be defined or judged for it. People often think depression means you don’t enjoy life, but that’s not the case for me. I feel deeply connected to life—I laugh, I feel moved by beauty, I’m grateful. But I also carry grief and a kind of sorrow I can’t always explain. Maybe it’s about the world, personal losses, or just the heaviness that comes without reason. I’ve even had people assume my interests—like vulture culture and themes around mortality—stem solely from depression or past traumas. While my experiences have certainly influenced my art, my curiosity reaches far beyond them. I’m fascinated by life in its many forms, by the mysteries of nature, by cycles of renewal and decay, by everything that exists beneath the surface of what we think we know.

I’ve often felt like I had to control my emotions to be accepted, but not only for others’ comfort. Growing up in a home where emotions sometimes felt unstable and the atmosphere unpredictable, I learned to keep myself in check, to be “small” and steady even when I felt anything but. That need for control became a habit, a way to feel safe—but as I kept it up, it also became stifling. The more I tried to manage or conceal my intensity, the more isolated and disconnected I felt, and the heavier my emotions became.

I’ve sometimes worried that sharing these parts of myself might lead people to feel sorry for me, to try to “analyze” or “fix” me, even while I feel they may hide similar parts of themselves. It’s complicated, wanting to be open without being seen as fragile, and hoping others would feel safe to be open too.

Over time, though, I’m beginning to accept these parts of myself, and my moonpaintings have been a big part of that. Through them, I’m learning to embrace everything I am—light and dark, joy and sorrow. I’m still working on releasing the shame around my sadness and intensity, allowing myself to see these emotions as valid and worthy. I’m not fully there yet, but with each piece, I feel closer to showing up as my whole self, without needing to hide or “fix” anything.

This journey isn’t about being completely healed or “done”—it’s about letting all parts of me exist without judgment, about finding a kind of peace in the messiness. And maybe that’s the real beauty of this work: it gives me a place to honor where I am right now, embracing all the parts of me that are still growing, still struggling, still becoming.

[newbiespud]

I'm sure it's been said before but I'll say it myself because why not

The game In Stars and Time makes for a revealing contrast to the movie Groundhog Day in how they treat their final time loop and how that reflects on the main character. (Even though, if I remember right, the dev largely wasn't aware of Groundhog Day when they came up with ISAT.)

Spoilers for both after the break, I guess.

In Groundhog Day, Phil starts out narcissistic and self-centered, has the realization that he can live life without consequences, gets depressed after having tried and done everything that he's got everyone and everything memorized so that nothing can delight and surprise him anymore, and finally escapes when he performs a loop that proves that a better, happier world is within his grasp to make, not something owed to him, and that he is happy with the life he has today, not always pining for his ambitions for the future.

In... In Stars and Time, Siffrin starts out deflecting and aloof, has the realization that they can do this perfectly - 'this' being not only the impossible challenge of defeating the King but navigating their relationships with their party - gets depressed after hitting wall after wall and repeatedly fumbling into faux pas after faux pas with their party, and finally escapes when they perform a loop where their true feelings come out, no matter how ugly, and they're honest about their own desires and wishes rather than trying to keep up an ideal façade.

Plenty of people have pointed out that In Stars and Time subverts the 'escaping on the perfect loop' time-loop trope that Groundhog Day largely codifies. Not only does the 'perfect' loop completely fail, Siffrin escapes on arguably the 'worst' loop, the one where they rightfully worry that they've hurt and alienated their loves ones forever and cannot escape those consequences anymore.

But I don't think this contrast is as direct as it seems, even though one could say that Phil got away scot-free compared to Siffrin and that In Stars and Time is the superior story for portraying a harsher outcome. (I do think that exploration and advancement of tropes is just inevitable and even healthy over time, and Groundhog Day came out in 1993 so of course it and the tropes it spawned deserve modern critique, but I digress.) I actually think that it reflects how both stories and the mechanics of their time loops are built around their main characters. (There's also something to be said about how genre shapes narrative since GD is an existential comedy and ISAT is an action-adventure focusing on interpersonal drama, but that's another digression.)

ISAT makes an impact on the whole time loop genre with its clever subversion, but like all the best subversive stories, it's couched in strong characters that embody its themes.

And to take a broader perspective, the best time loop stories are allegories for the real-life situation of making the same mistakes over and over again caused by your own deep-seated personality flaws, and being forced to finally confront your inner demons and overcome them and become a better, healthier person. (Relatable, much?)

Phil is a man who's never happy with his lot in life, so he needs to learn to find the eternal richness and beauty of what he has within his grasp, and that a better, happier life is something he can make for himself. Thus, he escapes on the 'best' loop.

Siffrin is a person who refuses to share their true feelings and problems with others to the point of self-destruction (and complete reinvention in one aspect), so they need to learn that no matter how ugly and twisted they think they are, being open and honest doesn't mean their loved ones will care about them any less, even when Siffrin is seen at their lowest point possible. Thus, they escape on the 'worst' loop.

It's not just clever subversion, it's holistic circular story structure!

...Though maybe I'm just drawn to these stories because I, too, would like some extra time to Figure Some Shit Out and have that time come with some superpowers along the way, even if it nearly destroys me in the process.

[fuddlyduddly]

Hey, I saw you talking about reading The Haunting of Hill House via a trans lens and I got curious. Could you elaborate on that, please? Cause I found it really interesting.

yeah I can! I've been meaning to write some sort of article about why I feel Hill House is trans, so this is a good excuse to get these thoughts written out.It's mostly that I find the story and its themes to be very trans to me, specifically with the character of Eleanor; when I was a teen and didn't know I was trans, and I found myself drawn to her for reasons I couldn't understand yet. There are a lot of things about her that spoke to me as a pre egg-crack trans woman; the way she feels like she's been waiting her whole life for something, anything, but she doesn't know what; the way she's felt trapped by the expectations of her; the way she's so shy and withdrawing (she reminds me in a way of this quote from Imogen Binnie's Nevada: "Maria is transsexual and she is so meek she might disappear"); the ways in which Eleanor constantly feels out of touch with the people around her and can't figure out social situations; the ways she's never felt wanted ("I am a sort of stray cat aren't I?"); the way she is prone to misreading casual relationships because she isn't experienced enough to know she's mistaken; and especially how she so desperately wants to belong. Eleanor is so withdrawn and desperate for connection that she lets the House take her over because, at last, “something is at last really, really, really, happening to [her]”, and unfortunately I could relate to that; she's so desperate to belong that she'll let anything happen to her, even if it kills her.

One line in particular really speaks to me every time I reread the book: “—and then each year, one summer morning, the warm wind would come down the city street where she walked and she would be touched with the little cold thought: I have let more time go by.” To me, that's what it felt like pre realization, every year would go by and I'd feel like I'd missed something; I wouldn't know what, but I'd know I'd let more time go by. Eleanor's story is one of a person who's been waiting so long to make a change, that when a change finally happens, it's too late for her; she's waited too long, and she's out of time. It's rather bleak, but so is gender dysphoria.

I think for me ultimately, any story about a woman who feels trapped and out of touch in some way will feel trans to me (I have a Letterboxd list about that with all sorts of movies on it), but Hill House really sticks out to me because of how acute and specific Eleanor's pain is, and how relatable I found her; her pain feels very transfeminine to me in ways I'm not quite sure how to articulate. I've found a lot of other transfems on tumblr who are also very drawn to Hill House, and in a way its very nice to see us all have a special connection to this book.

also part of this realization came from this post!

[starvingnarcissistmusic]

totally completely unrelated to my last message on Orchestra but any chance you could do a analysis/breakdown of We Sapient Stardust?

Alright so for the sake of not regurgitating things I've already said, I'm not going to go in depth about any of the songs in particular. I've already written loads about them on Genius so if anyone wants to know What's Up With [insert song here] they can go there. Instead, I'm gonna talk about what went into making the album as a whole.

We Sapient Stardust's """production""" began pretty much as soon as And That Means Everything finished. In fact, I'm pretty sure I had written most of Sleepless Friends before And That Means Everything even came out. After spending a whole year making an album about the past, I was really itching to write about how I felt in the present. And I felt.... bad. A friend has told me that We Sapient Stardust feels like "dealing with the condition of Being 17" and like. That's honestly exactly what it was. I was 17, limping over the high school finish line, feeling tired and sad and anxious about the future pretty much every day. The opening line of There Are Some Things I'd Rather Not Say was pretty much a summation of how I felt then. One year left till I fell apart.

Attached: Old cover idea/placeholder I had for Limbic System's Rag Doll. Was originally playing with the idea of it being part of the Burnout Series (Dysania, Anemia) but ultimately decided it didn't really fit in with those songs.

Initially, the album was a lot less existential. It was more just songs about how badly I felt, with most of them trailing off into angsty self-loathing. I had kind of made up my mind from the start that this was going to be the sad album, but at the beginning a lot of that sadness and misery was specifically centered on me. I felt really bad so I wrote a lot of songs about feeling really bad. At some point I leaned more into the existential themes, because honestly you can only spend so much of your free time writing songs about how much you don't like yourself before it feels just a little bit counter-intuitive to your mental health. Writing songs like that doesn't really feel like catharsis to me, it just feels like kicking myself while I'm down, and I didn't want my second album to feel like a thirty minute self hate session. Some artists can pull that off really well, I definitely can't.

Attached: The first demo of Sleepless Friends (at the time called Anarchist Cookbook), featuring slightly different lyrics and my (sickness afflicted) out of tune singing.

The cover started as just a test to try and make something in a collage style, I was really inspired by The Altogether's Silo EP cover art and wanted to make something in that vein. The oldest version of it on my PC I could find is from February 2nd 2024. It went through a few changes, at one point I had drawn a little figure in the sky in place of the plane, and at another point it had the album title and drawn-on stars like ATME, but eventually I just settled on using the collage as it was. It felt strong enough with to stand on its own. It was a little weird having something and knowing it would be the album cover, since for pretty much all of ATME's production I had convinced myself the cover was a placeholder.

Attached: collage album cover attempt.png, the first ever version. Kind of mostly the same, although the saturation was way down and it didn't have the outlines drawn in. These are how the photos looked when I took them, but then I realized the saturation made it look 1000% better.

The name was also a bit subject to change, as there was a lot of places I wanted to go with the album. I think at one point it was called "Songs For Scum". A few others include "Wish It Would Settle In", "Something About Drowning" (if I used this one the acronym wouldve been SAD which I think is funny), and "The Boy Who Cried Lonely". A lot of these names were made around the same time I was writing all of those self-loathing downer songs, so they were all vaguely angsty. Once I landed on We Sapient Stardust though, it was pretty much set in stone. Although, at one point there was going to be a companion EP called "Searching For Solace", filled with outtakes. I scrapped it mostly because I just didn't have enough scrapped material that I liked enough to release.

Attached: The moodboard I made for the album a month before it came out. The cat is the same one from the Blacktop Angels cover, because at the time Kafkaesque was Blacktop Angels Pt II. I didn't end up going with that though, so if I could remake it now I'd probably replace it with a dog instead. Fun fact: The cat was a stray at my high school, and my friend named it Chickpea.

Honestly between the two of them, We Sapient Stardust was a way harder album to make then And That Means Everything was, on pretty much all fronts. It's definitely my favorite between the two of them, but in my head, they're sister albums that are meant to go together. I'm incredibly proud of We Sapient Stardust, and I think I'll stay proud of it for a long time. I hope anyone who listened to it connected with it. That's really all I could hope for.

(And, as a final note, thanks to everyone who provided their voices for the group chant! That moment is probably my favorite thing I've ever made, and I couldn't have done it without them. All of their names are listed in the description of the YouTube video and in the Bandcamp page. Some of them even have their own music, so check them out!)

Anyways, hope that sufficed as enough rambling for a satisfying answer, haha

[personasdestinyy]

Sorrowful Love | Ch#3 | JJK

↳ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬; All he desires is vengeance.

⇢ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: thriller, angst, love at first sight, au! sexting

⇢ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢��𝐠: jungkook × Sena oc!

⇢ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: This story contains explicit language, graphic violence(murders, blood etc), and other mature content, If you are easily affected by such themes, it might be best to avoid reading it.

⇢ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.3k+

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 | 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐱 | 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭⇢

Sena's Pov:

It's been a whole week of non-stop hustle and bustle, and today, as I reluctantly opened my eyes at 8:00 am to start another day at work, I was greeted by a pounding headache and an achy body. It felt as if every single part of me was screaming in pain. To make matters worse, I had a strong suspicion that I was running a fever.

Realizing that going to work in such a state was out of the question, I reached for my phone on the table beside me. With a heavy heart, I composed a message to one of my colleague, explaining my deteriorating health and requesting a two-day absence. After sending the message, I placed my phone back on the table, feeling a mix of relief and disappointment.

As I sat there, tears began to well up in my eyes. The realization hit me hard - when I'm sick, it often feels like I'm all alone. The thought of reaching out to someone for help seemed daunting, as if they would only look at me with pity and sympathy. So, I kept my suffering to myself, silently battling through the pain.

I get up from bed to fetch some medicine, but as I take each step, a dull ache pulses through my body. I shuffle over to the kitchen cabinet, my hand reaching out to open it. Inside, I find the painkiller I desperately need. With a sigh of relief, I grab a tablet and then head to the refrigerator for a water bottle. I twist off the cap, taking a long sip of water before swallowing the pill. Sitting down on the kitchen stool, I cradle my chin in my hands, hoping for some relief.

After a few moments, the pain begins to subside slightly. I rise from the stool and make my way to the bathroom to freshen up. Once I'm feeling a bit more presentable, I select a sky blue crop top and a pair of blue trousers from the wardrobe. After changing, I slip on a pair of my sneakers, secure my mask in place, and grab my phone from the table along with my handbag from the dressing table.

Stepping outside, I make my way to the medical supply store to pick up some much-needed medication.

After a brisk 5-minute walk, I finally reached the pharmacy, eager to pick up my much-needed medication. As I push open the door, a mysterious figure materializes out of thin air, startling or fluttering me to the core. My heart instantly goes into overdrive, pounding against my chest like a wild animal trying to break free. I can't quite fathom why this stranger's sudden appearance has such a profound effect on me, but as he walks past me, time seems to stand still and my gaze fixates on his back.

Feeling my cheeks flush with embarrassment, I gave myself gentle pats on my cheeks to regain my composure. Determined not to let my emotions get the best of me, I take a deep breath and step into the pharmacy. As I make my way towards the counter, I can't help but notice that the enigmatic stranger is already standing there. Once again, my eyes are drawn to his back, and I can't help but marvel at how it manages to send my pulse racing like a Formula 1 car.

Shaking off my fascination, I focus on my purpose and head straight for the counter, and stand right beside with this captivating stranger.

'Fuck'

My mind was supposed to be focused on my purpose, but instead, it seemed to have a mind of its own. As I stood there, waiting, I couldn't help but mentally compare my height to his. And of course, I came up short in comparison. It was as if my heart was playing tricks on me, refusing to listen to reason. I tried to ignore the rapid beating in my chest, but it was impossible.

Then, something unexpected happened. He started talking to the pharmacist right in front of me. His voice was like music to my ears, so captivating and wonderful. At that moment, I felt a surge of emotions. It was as if I was falling in love with him right then and there. My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn't help but be mesmerized by his presence.

As I continued to stare at him, I couldn't help but notice every little detail. His jawline was so perfectly chiseled, his side posture exuded confidence, and his hair was effortlessly stylish. Everything about him seemed perfect, and it made my heart flutter.

But then, he looked directly at me. It was as if time stood still, and everything around me faded into the background. At that moment, I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. Excitement because he acknowledged my presence, and fear because I was afraid of what he might be thinking of me.

"Uh, you have been staring at me for two minutes straight. May I ask you why?" he asked, his eyes filled with curiosity. It was at that moment that I realized just how long I had been lost in my thoughts, fixated on him. Panic washed over me, and I desperately searched for an excuse.

"Ahh, I'm sorry," I stammered, avoiding eye contact. "I didn't mean to... I was just... I'm sorry." I quickly turned around without purchasing medication, not daring to look at him again, and hastily made my way out of the pharmacy.

As I walked away, my heart still racing, I couldn't help but wonder what could have been. Maybe one day, fate would bring us together again..

As I finally reached my apartment, my heart continued to race, pounding in my chest for the entire five minutes it took me to get there. The adrenaline coursing through my veins made me feel both excited and anxious. Seeking some relief, I made my way to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle. The simple act of drinking the water felt like a temporary distraction from the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside me.

But no matter how hard I tried to focus on the task, thoughts of him consumed my mind. It was as if his presence lingered in every corner of my thoughts, driving me to the brink of insanity. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. Was it love? Infatuation? Or something else entirely? All I knew was that my heart couldn't seem to calm down.

Placing my palm over my chest, I could feel the rapid thumping of my heart beneath my touch. It was beating far too quickly, as if trying to escape the confines of my ribcage. I knew I had to find a way to suppress these overwhelming emotions, at least for now. So, I took a deep breath and tried to push them aside.

‘shit’

How foolish of me? I forgot to buy the medicine, the reason I went to the pharmacy, but I came back with a fast beating heart and still aching body from fever. And there's nothing I can do now, I can't go again to the pharmacy.

‘because I'm lazy’

I made my way to the bedroom, seeking solace in the comfort of my bed. I settled down, making myself cozy amidst the soft blankets and pillows. As I did, I reached into the bag’s pocket and pulled out my phone. With a quick swipe, I unlocked the screen and opened Instagram, hoping to find some distraction in the colorful world of social media.

But as the app loaded, a sudden realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. I had completely forgotten about the painting I had been meaning to order, one that maybe would capture the essence of my tumultuous emotions. Without wasting another second, I accessed my contact list and scrolled until I found 'jungkook' name on my contacts.

With a mix of anticipation and nervousness, I tapped on his name and then on the call icon. The phone began to ring, and with each passing second, my heart rate seemed to rise once more.

© 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐬𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐲𝐲 (𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐝)

[baby-yaga]

i totally get why art that seems "shock for shock-sake" is a turn off for some people. it honestly wasnt until earlier this year, after i remembered some really fucked up shit that happened to me, that i realized why i am so drawn to that kind of thing.

making a work that is shocking to be shocking isnt easy--decent writing, composition, themes, those all still apply. and then, theres the added challenge of writing about topics that are ~controversial~

i think the immediate thing that comes to mind is rape revenge, one of my favorite horror subgenres. one of my favorite rape revenge movies is i spit on your grave, the 2010 remake of the 1978 film. the original is, by todays standards, much more tame. the attack is far less brutal, the murders are less graphic, even the scenery [ connecticut in spring, as opposed to the remakes setting of louisiana in fall ] is much more green and vibrant, and more pleasant to look at in my opinion. i think both of these films have a reputation for being shlock--exploitative, misogynistic, torture-porn. and i dont even think they arent those things [ and the victim being a rich white woman, her attackers impoverished white men. these films are very classist in my opinion ].

rape revenge is a very controversial genre, made even more so by the fact that many of the most well known films are written and directed by men [ i spit on your grave, the original and its remake, same of the last house of the left and its remake, in fact female writers and directors are relatively new to this subgenre ]

if id been asked earlier this year, "what is it about this genre that you find so compelling?" i wouldve struggled to answer. i think the best i couldve come up with is something like, "catharsis." and i do find these films cathartic. they are tense and brutal, and at the end, when the bad guys have died their grotesque deaths, unable to harm anyone anymore, i breathe a sigh of relief. but the truth is, i like that they make people uncomfortable.

to me, these pieces of work existing, even though i havent made any of these works myself, are my own revenge. i want people to watch them, and i do get offended when someone finds them morally wrong. in the evilest parts of my soul i want to force people to watch these devastating, "pointless", "shocking-for-shocks-sake" films and feel even a fraction of what i do. for even a moment, feel as helpless, trapped, terrified, hurt, disoriented, enraged, and humiliated as i do. yes, i want people to be shocked. i want them to be shocked because i want them to feel it. i want their hearts and minds, souls and bodies to be as tainted as mine, even if its just a little bit. i want people to be as traumatized as i am.

i understand this isnt rational. for one thing, i am far from the only rape victim in the world. im not even the only childhood rape victim in the world. im not even the only victim of csam/sex trafficking victim in the world. im not the only person whos family had a "weird uncle", that everyone, even his victims, refused to acknowledge what he was. im not the only victim of sexual harassment and stalking. im just one of perhaps millions, a victim of all of those things. there are perhaps thousands of people with a history nearly identical to mine. but i dont care. i want them to hurt too.

art is supposed to make you feel something. its often said that art is a conversation between you and the artist. how do you feel when the artist wants to abuse you? how do you feel when the artist, knowing nothing of your own history, shows you the ugliest, most rancid, most infected parts of themselves, and they ask you to look?

look at me. look at what i am missing. look at how i am mangled. look at how i am ugly. i am not a palatable victim. i wasnt saved from abuse. the fbi never broke in while i was being photographed or molested and saved me from my fate. the worst happened. and it happened again, and again, and again and no one noticed, and no one saved me. i didnt even save myself. i didnt move away from it all, abandon everyone id ever known, and change my identity like i desperately wanted when i was a teenager. im broke, and i still live within a 1 mile radius of where all the worst things in my life happened to me. i live just 2 blocks away from where i was trafficked and used to make csam. i live just 2 houses down from where i was groomed and repeatedly raped by my best friends dad. im not there anymore, in the sense that years have passed, and i am an adult now. but i still live here, still see his house every day, still see the tree in front of the house where i was nearly drowned to keep me quiet and afraid.

yeah, i want the art i make to shock you. i dont think i have anything else to say.

[lockandkeyhyena]

Another ask! Wowie Kazowie. I wanted to say I just went through the Alvin's Infurno tag because I realized you've been answering questions about it and it's prompted me to think about my own anthro story and how much they contrast with each other.

I have some similar themes in mind, including my own 100% terrible character who is also someone who grooms a 16 year old (is also a serial killer but thats a whole other can of worms), however in mine it's more of a commentary on the systemic aspects of grooming and the sexual abuse of teenagers.

Specifically I decided to make the abuser in question a straight, cis white-coded woman in her twenties who had wealthy parents, and her victim (the main character) a latino black-coded queer kid dealing with mental illness.

Though I agree a lot with your philosophies, I made the abuser extremely unsympathetic because personally I was really worried about people excusing the actions of someone adjacent to white femininity. Particularly, a lot of black kids are seen as aggressors and I didn't want to compromise on the main character being kinda shitty because I know myself as someone who can be quite shitty sometimes. So making her as unsympathetic as possible in actions was the compromise I chose in order to highlight how its privilege which allowed her to do what she does to her victims, not skill or being a mastermind. Despite everyone knowing her to be terrible cruel and mean, nobody investigates it because she is harmless to authority as someone in the position of authority.

Seeing your story come to fruition makes me wonder how I would've done this aspect of my story differently had I wanted it to be the whole focus of a story rather than just one piece of my comfort oc's torture nexus. I think it's likely I would have had something similar to your story, but I do think I would've approached hell differently.

I always imagined hell to be a place where people who feel guilty go to, and not necessarily people who 'deserve' (in quotes because its subjective) it go to. Like you I've always found the idea of christian heaven and hell to be strange, I found myself drawn to the idea that the afterlife is a state of mind you walk yourself into.

I love the shitty motel.

I've been in positions where my family was unable to find homes and I've had to stay in motels and hotels on several occasions (i lived in a hotel for three months at one point) and there's something oddly nostalgic to me about being stuck in a place - a motel/hotel - that you're not supposed to be in for a longer time than you should.

Anyways thats my ask box ramble I hope this gives you thoughts? I don't know?

thank you so much for your thoughts! i love it when people come and tell me about their own stories that deal with similar issues. i think in your story’s case highlighting the abuser’s unsympatheticness works given you’re going for a critique of systemic and societal power structures and how they intersect with race. of course you can deal with more than one idea per story but if you’re going for a more straightforward critique rather than an introspective character study, it makes sense to put the brunt of the empathy you want your reader to feel on the victim, rather than the aggressor.

thank you also for your compliments of the motel! i wanted a really liminal feel for it and i’m glad that comes across :)

[cinnamons1999]

UPDATE TO THIS POST (TW FOR MENTIONS OF HARD DRUGS, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THEMES ON THAT POST)

also this post is QUITE LONG so if youre an "i aint readin all that" person (tbh me fr im just a yapper i cant listen for nothin) then maybe its best not to int w this post, cuz discussion will require you to read the entire thing for you to know what im on about.

TW FOR ( DRAWN AND MENTIONED) SH AND SADLY, MENTIONS OF ROMANTICIZATION OF SH, SUICIDE, DRUGS ETC.

ok so the prev post was about how much i realized menhera-chan was kinda like an inspiration to me, both in my art style and in the way i saw my own mental health. but honestly im way more detached from her now.

i've been clean for a good while since yk, its easier for me to distract myself from punching my own face now that i have wifey around. i honestly just dont think menhera-chan seems to encapsulate what menhera can be for me anymore, and knowing what type of person bisuko ezaki is i just don't feel comfortable knowing i used to look up to that work.

even with my recovery i still am going through therapy and potentially finding a diagnosis at the hospital, meaning i probably still have shit to work thru tho i cant predict the future

and with this i just dont relate to menhera-chan anymore, not just bcuz bisuko is a shit person but bcuz im more stereotypically masculine (obv, shes a girl in a sailor uniform what am i thinking), but bcuz even when some of the menhera-chan comic shorts seem genuine in the way they tackle self harm and mental health, but then i remember he made THIS ONE DRAWING (THIS IS NOT A CALLOUT POST. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL LIKE BRINGING THIS UP)

and apparently?? yamiko no seigi fetishizes girls who do SH, and even when im not a girl it all just feels less genuine bcuz of this. how u sexualizing SH yet still have comic shorts abt how you shouldnt upload your self harm scars bcuz ppl who romanticize SH could get to it.

(this comic short is the one im talking about btw)

it just feels less genuine to me bcuz of this, cuz if you really want to care abt mental health, spread awareness and share your struggle, then why make that shirt? thats just me tbh.

i've started liking the idea of making my own menhera mascot thing (menhera angel, who's kinda like menhera X by diy-menhera-blog in the way that they are completely genderless, also menhera angel is an angel ragdoll creature thing?? meaning they are completely raceless too.)

this image is also in a diff art post of mine.

my mental health has just gotten a bit better but cuz of therapy and school, and the stress of going to a gymnasium soon (yeah, SV system) i honestly just don't think im experiencing mental health struggles in a different way than menhera-chan is shown to be, and in a different way than most people who relate to menhera-chan/momoka sakurai do.

i respect those who are attached to her and can point out that ezaki bisuko is still a shit person but idk,, maybe when i can find community in the menhera space i can find others who are also not as attached to wrist-cut warrior manga like me.

just,, man. im really trying to find community w menhera people and in the menhera sphere so i hope i get welcomed with open arms but idk,,, (cuz a lot of menhera stuff crosses over w/ jirai and landmine and i feel like theyll see me as "too stable." n shit or just wont welcome me at all and will chase me out but thats just my anxiety talking.)

TL;DR: im more detached from menhera-chan's character cuz of bisuko himself and changes in my mental health, and i might find comfort in the menhera sphere if i get welcomed.

[onyxandemerald]

I wouldn't call myself an expert by all means but having a tarot deck that I truly resonate with has changed my life. This deck has changed my life.

I chose this deck for a few reasons.

Its not my main pantheon (for obvious reasons) but my ancestor work has put an interest in Slavic reconstruction in my head as I'm fairly proud of my polish heritage. Many of the themes of the cards relate to Slavic mythos, and the architecture, style, symbolism, and clothing of characters depicted reflect those cultural traditions. Another detail that sealed the deal for me was that is uses "wheels," in place of pentacles. I struggle with interpreting anything with association to capital or currency. Finding a deck with different iconography wasn't one of my big requests when looking for a deck, but I felt so drawn to this one intuitively that when I realized this, it felt like fate. Each card is hand drawn and painted with beautiful watercolors. The guidebook is hit-or-miss; some of the entries make the connection between the art and the myths, but not much of it is new to me. Some of the cards' designs rely on the Rider-Waite iconography and symbolism, but many of them are totally unique and honestly, I find myself resonating with these pictures without even trying. They're so loud and clear for me. I love being a witch.

[himboskywalker]

SPEAKING of omegaverse Tag I’ve been wanting to ask you what it is about a/b/o that you like so much and are especially drawn to?im very picky for my a/b/o and you somehow always get it exactly right so I’m curious what you look for in your omegaverse content?

Oof this is a complicated question for me actually lol Keep in mind I’ve literally been reading a/b/o since it’s origin in the Supernatural fandom on LIVEJOURNAL. I read the first a/b/o fic,I was in the fandom space and on the forums when it emerged,so I have quite literally followed along with it since it’s inception,and have kept tabs on its various evolutions through the years and through the different fandoms I’ve been in.

Originally it was much more about the animal characteristics and what I was seeing was very coded into werewolf verses or other creature societies very similar. What drew me in originally was a lot of those animal instincts of dominance and submission,especially with the alpha biting to enforce submission. As everyone on here knows I really really like biting,it’s kind of intrinsically tied in with my views of eroticism,so anything that heavily features biting kink will have my full attention. It’s why I love vampire content so much,or a lot of creature content.

I also have a really strong sense of smell,and in the more creature focused a/b/o fics,and then in Teen Wolf when a/b/o was interwoven with werewolves,scent played a big part in their characteristics. I really really like scent based stuff,in real life the way a partner smells is a large part of my attraction to them,it’s usually one of the first things I notice. For a lot of people,even if they don’t realize it,scent and pheromones play an important role in attraction. I love universes where this is played up,and scents become,not just a more blatant form of attraction,but also a vehicle for characterization and even communication. In a lot of next generation a/b/o the scent component has veered away from the wolf stuff in the OG omegaverse,but it’s something I hold onto and love. Like the force in Star Wars,it offers an opportunity to me as a writer to explore an alternative form of communication and recognition between characters.

At its core a/b/o is a really fun way for me to explore dom/sub dynamics too and in fact the dom/sub universes you see in fanfic now stemmed from omegaverse. There’s something about these sexual preferences being instinctual in these verses that made my own exploration for these wants and preferences somehow safer for me to accept when I was younger. And being able to read stories where a submissive male partner isn’t mocked for wanting these things while also being able to be a strong and independent person helped me realize a lot of things about myself that I always found confusing.

And on that note when done right I thing a/b/o is a wonderfully subversive and unique way to explore gender and gender roles. When I wrote conceal me what I am it was intrinsically interwoven with trans and nonbinary themes and was a very safe way for me parse through my own emotions of how I perceive myself and how the world perceives me. In all,exploring a submissive male character with certain cis female sexual characteristics has been a decade long process of coming to terms with my own gender-fluid ness,and being very comfortable with it,when I think without certain fictional avenues,I would have had a much harder time wrapping my head around it and how I perceive myself.

I think maybe what you see in my a/b/o writing,and what others have seen in it,is my dislike for feminizing male characters that I use as a vehicle for gender and sexual exploitation. This is no hate in any way to writers who do,there’s nothing wrong with it,but it’s something I always found personally distressing without being able to articulate why. More recently I’ve been able to identify that I find being feminized distressing,even though I identify as a woman some of the time.And so I find reading a male character being feminized as distressing because of my own life and raising. I like a/b/o as a means to look into the other,into the liminal inbetween and the hard to identify and parse outside of the rigid gender structures society has given us. So when I go into an a/b/o story with a wanting for that exploration and then it’s a projection of typical heteronormative gender ideals onto a not typical heteronormative dynamic,I find it upsetting. So in my own writing I avoid that at all cost. Again this is not a judgement of anyone who creates or engages with content that does embrace that,I don’t view it as a moral failing in any way,it’s simply something I don’t like and so something I specifically try to circumnavigate in my own art. Or when I do explore the intervening of male and female and other,it’s in a way I understand and perceive the world,and so is a comforting navigation of things I myself am unsure about or don’t quite understand.

It doesn’t have to be this deep. All a/b/o doesn’t have to be a societal deconstruction of gender and sexuality and queer coding. Sometimes it’s as simple as mmmm inherent attraction because of instincts sexy. It can also be mmmm character smells good BITE BITE BITE. It’s what you make it and what you find meaning and/or pleasure from. There’s thousands of interpretations of a/b/o because it’s a wonderful vehicle for exploration of many things. This is just my own relationship with it.

[princeinsomniavoid]

Living

In which guts are spilled, feelings are realized, and a cliche isn't really a bad thing.

huge tw for graphic suicidal ideation/attempt, non-explicit themes of child neglect, general homestuckness, gay people [eeeewww/j]

[TG]: Sitting at the precipice of an endless fall into the void all by yourself handsome?

Dave flops down next to Percy with a muffled grunt and playfully nudges him in the shoulder with a fist. The page snorts through his nose and rolls his eyes.

Dave leans back on his palms and looks out at the void of the Furthest Ring

[CC]: That was awful, even for you Dave.

[TG]: Well excuse me princess, its not like I scoured the entire meteor trying to find your elusive ass, the least you can do is appreciate my dated references and witty non-sequitur.

[TG]: I can see why you come out here, there sure is a lot of... of... of space... aha.

This earns him a light punch in the arm. He shrugs it off with a light laugh and the banter truly begins. They’re good at that, the talking, like they’ve known each other their whole lives. Aside from John, Rose, and Jade, Dave is pretty sure that he’s known Percy the longest. He can’t remember a time when he didn’t have cadaversCavelry [CC] in his pesterchum window. Seeing him in person like this again after such a long absence gives him an odd feeling in his chest, but not an uncomfortable one.

He’s not sure when it reaches this point, the point in their conversation when they’re both laughing so hard that Dave is sure he’s going to pass out, but sure enough he’s gripping his stomach and wheezing so hard he can feel himself getting lightheaded.

Percy coughs and falls onto his back trying to catch his breath. At some point Dave’s glasses have been knocked askew and he’s blinking back tears. The laughter and jokes continue until Dave is certain he’s going to get a migraine. Sooner or later they fall back into silence, an easy sort and the kind Dave has vague memories of sharing before. He looks over to see that Percy has sat back up and drawn his knees into his chest as he stares nearly unblinking out into the void with a far away expression, and something about that makes his stomach hurt and he can’t for the life of him think of why.

[TG]: Ok- ok dude T.O T.O I can feel the blood rushing to my head oh my god-

[CC]: Sorry- Sorry- Just the- oh jeez I remember the guy’s delivery on it too-!

Woah. Holy shit. What? What?? What??! The question hits Dave in the throat like a brick. Definitely not, he thinks, Dave is pretty sure he’d remember a fucking bombshell like that. He realizes that his mouth had dropped open as his line of dialogue was unceremoniously shut down. His voice catches in his mouth before he clears his throat to respond.

[TG]: So uh… How are you holding up? Y’know with all this crazy shit going on, like with the Trolls and the whole dying thing-

[CC]: Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill myself?

Suddenly Dave is very aware of the location this conversation is taking place in, and mentally notes just how close to the edge of the meteor they’re sitting. A very loud little voice in his brain is rattling the bars of its enclosure and yelling at him to grab hold of his friend very firmly and drag them into the housing block. He nods mutely instead for them to continue speaking.

[TG]: no…? I uh, I feel like Id remember something like that man- Uh wheres this going- or like coming from? Like not to sound like a total douche wipe but-

[CC]: I was around 10 I think. I don’t exactly remember but it was definitely a good few years after the move.

Dave is pretty sure he can see Percy’s shoulders shaking, can hear just the faintest tremble in his voice. Unconsciously he’s scooted a little closer to him and has his arms hovering around his frame which seems so small. The Percy he knows is larger than life despite his stature, but now he looks so frail, staring off into the void like Dave doesn’t even exist.

[CC]: My brother had just gone on a business trip i think, or maybe he was on his way home from one? Who cares, he was never around and that was sort of the fuckin’ problem.

[CC]: I don’t really remember a lot from the night before i tried it, you know the whole Big Sleep thing, except that maybe i had talked to you for a little while

[CC]: but I definitely remember calling my brother and trying to ask him to come home early from whatever bullshit work trip he was on.

[CC]: you know, to take care of his younger fucking brother like he said he would when he moved us all the way into the middle of frozen fucking nowhere

Percy grips his knees so hard his knuckles are white, the fabric of the borrowed sweat pants bunched up in his fingers to a degree that Dave is worried that he’s going to tear a hole in them.

[CC]: when he said no like he always did i remember being so angry

[CC]: I had threatened to do something drastic but it was mostly just a lash to try and get it in his head i needed him home.

[CC]: the thing that put the real nail in the coffin so to speak is when he’d just said, “And what? Put all my work to waste?”

[CC]: I remember that fucking sentence like he said it yesterday, and you know what?

[CC]: I DID want to waste his fucking effort, I WANTED that pretentious PRICK to understand that his work? His talents? Didn’t matter.

Ok its official Dave wants to throw up. Jesus Christ on a fucking saltine what the fuck. He finally commits to putting his arms around them, one around his back the other on his knee over his trembling hands. Hell he thinks his own hands might be shaking.

[CC]: So that night after i hung up on him i grabbed every bottle of pills i could find and slammed them back with a bottle of my brothers shitty whiskey that he thought he kept hidden well enough

[CC]: and then for good measure I locked myself in the bathroom and sat back to wait

Percy turns to look at him finally, eyes welled up with tears, glasses foggy.

[TG]: Dude- Percy I’m so-

[CC]: and you know the worst part Dave? I think the worst fucking part of that entire shit storm? I didn’t even fucking think to tell YOU!

The silence returns. Percy looks way again, looking out into the Furthest Ring over his knees. Dave finally properly settles up into giving Percy a proper hug. Its the most awkward affair in the history of fucking existence, but that very loud little voice would not be silenced on the matter. He’s so unsure what to say until he isn’t.

[CC]: not you, not John, not Jade, not even fucking Rose even though I think she would’ve been obnoxious about the whole fucking debacle, calling it a- a fucking cry for help or attention or SOMETHING- god I’m probably not giving her enough credit I know she means well but god.

[CC]: course it didn’t work obviously, but when I woke up in the morning in bed with a vicious fucking hangover my brother was passed out in a chair next to me so I guess that counts for something

He pauses, feeling his breath catching in his throat, but persists nonetheless, giving the boy a squeeze, maybe a touch too hard given the soft whimper he hears.

[TG]: when uh… I found you washed up on that beach, I think it was like… the scariest fucking thing I’d ever experienced.

[TG]: like hands down, I don’t think anything is going to top seeing your corpse half hanging out of the water like that. And sure like, I knew you were going to be fine, probably, but I don’t think I was really aware of that.

He hears and feels Percy chuckle wetly in his arms, a sure sign that his rambling tendencies are good for something at least. He feels himself smile and presses on through the shitty maze that made up his train of thought.

[TG]: I don’t think I’ve ever really told you how important you are to me man-

[TG]: like

[TG]: I don’t really know where id be without you

[TG]: and thats really hard to admit dude- like for real I don’t mean that metaphorically

[TG]: or rhetorically

[TG]: or figuratively or even as like, an allegory- that makes no goddamn sense but you get the idea

[TG]: I care about you a whole fucking lot Percy, and thats saying something coming from me

[TG]: not to sing my own praises from high fucking heaven or anything but Im sort of a big deal- like the coolest mother lover on this side of anywhere ever contrived by man

His train of thought derails when Percy shifts in his grasp to wrap his arms around his middle and bury his face into his neck. He feels the tears seeping into his shitty cape, and feels Percy’s glasses get pushed up off of his nose. When his body finally gets the message that he should probably adjust his arms he flails around desperately for a good few seconds unsure of where to put them, before finally settling on wrapping them around the Page’s neck and shoulders. Something about the position feels natural and easy, like this is the easiest thing he’s ever done, easier than breathing. He heaves out a sigh when he realizes he hadn’t been and on a vaguely selfish impulse he buries his own burning face into Percy’s hair, his shades getting pushed up onto his head. The way they fit together makes his stomach ache again, makes him feel giddy, like he never wants to be separated from this ever. Like he’d rather die.

[TG]: I guess what I mean to say is because you matter so much to me that you’re like, honorarily the second coolest guy in existence

[TG]: like you just won the coolness lottery

[TG]: passed Go collected 200 dollars

[TG]: collected every red coin in the mushroom kingdom

[TG]: is this fucking anything? I feel like im saying words but nothing of actual for real substance is being said

[TG]: like a broken record or something over here

[TG]: the point is getting away from me but you get what im putting down right? This making any sens- ohgodok-

Cool. Cool. Dave is going to fucking explode he swears to any god that exists. He’s not even sure he heard that right, but he feels his body tighten his hold on Percy like a vice, he’s not even sure if Percy cares either because he feels their hands grip the fabric of his cape tighter in response.

[CC]: Dave I wanna live.

Holy goddamn fucking shit. Hell yes. Hell fucking yes. Wait what.

[CC]: I want to live so bad Dave- and not even just because dying for real scared me so fucking bad.

[CC]: I think I want to live for you.

[CC]: I think I love you, Dave.

Dave pulls away and grips Percy by the shoulders, not even bothering to push his shades back down, squinting in the void light at his tear stained face.

[TG]: wait what- like

[TG]: hang on wait

[TG]: wait wait wait

Percy kisses him. On the mouth. Dave is pretty sure he can hear the windows 97 dial up tone because good fucking god his brain is empty. Every single thought completely out the window. Back flipped gracefully out off the goddamn handle. The page leans back to look at him again.

[TG]: I gotta make sure I heard that right and I’m not like

[TG]: hallucinating big time or something

[TG]: like I gotta make sure I didn’t just die 2 seconds ago and I’m dreaming or something

[TG]: you what?

[CC]: well… I don’t think you’re dead anymor-

With said thoughts out the window like that he doesn’t even know where the hell he gets the idea to kiss him back, but it comes anyway and he does it. It feels so correct, like the powers of narrative causality nudged them towards this eventuality, like an inevitability. He feels hands come up to hold his face, one of them gingerly pulling his shades out of his hair and setting them aside, not that it matters. His own hands shift to rest tentatively at Percy’s sides and it feels like an overstep somehow, but the Page doesn’t seem to mind. He wishes that he didn’t need to breathe ever again, but they pull away from each other anyhow. Dave feels his nerves buzzing under his skin, his fingers fidgeting and tapping at Percy’s waist. They stay in each other’s space for a good moment, foreheads pressed together and breathing the same air, until something in Dave’s brain regains sentience again and hes fumbling with his arms like an idiot before he covers his mouth with a hand and avoids eye contact like the plague.

Percy laughs at him and honest to god its the single greatest sound he’s ever heard, the fucking ironic sound board air horns don’t even come close.

[TG]: wow

[TG]: cool

[TG]: cool cool cool

[TG]: uh sorry I guess I just had to double check

[TG]: that I hadn’t died or whatever

[CC]: well the results are in captain, you’re certainly still in front of me and quite monochromatic

If his face got any warmer he thinks its going to catch fire or something this is fucking ridiculous. He finally looks up at Percy over his hand still firmly pressed into his mouth, and despite the embarrassment he can feel himself grinning like the world’s biggest idiot.

They laugh again. Good god what he would give for a microphone and tape recorder.

[TG]: uh in case it wasn’t very clear

[TG]: I think I love you too

[TG]: or whatever

[TG]: well no not whatever just

[TG]: god this is so uncool of me

[TG]: I don’t have an ironic joke to make about this

[TG]: this is just pure unadulterated straight unfiltered inelegant brain rot

[CC]: well done Casanova really getting the message across.

The Page reaches out towards him again and Dave doesn’t waste a second enveloping him into another crushing hug. Without the hindrance of his shades in the way he fully hides his face into Percy’s hair, and not to be one of those weirdos, but he breathes in a deep sigh and savors the soft smell in his nose. He wishes he could bottle it up like a shitty cologne or something equally embarrassing.

They stay out there like that for what feels like forever, Dave’s pretty sure he could probably fall asleep like that. Its not until a familiar grating voice cuts through the moment like a katana from the fucking dollar store on a discount.

[TG]: for real man…

[TG]: the feeling is very mutual.

[TG]: like you have no idea…

With that Karkat turns on his heels and storms back inside muttering under his breath irately. The two of them take a moment to process what exactly he had just said before the sentences finally arranged themselves into some semblance of order and slammed true like a semi-truck. They burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, each clinging to the other for support before they can straighten up properly.

[CG]: THERE YOU ASSWIPES ARE I’VE BEEN TRYING FIND YOUR DUMB ASSES ALL MORNING

[CG]: ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU GOT YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL FUCKING SAND AND SEALED THE DEAL ON THE MOST OBVIOUS FUCKING CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS CLICHE I’VE EVER GODDAMN SEEN

[CG]: NOW WILL YOU GET YOUR ASSES INSIDE? KANAYA SAID THAT ROSE IS DONE MAKING LUNCH AND I SURE AS HELL AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU TWO TO FINISH COPULATING OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE DOING I’M STARVING.

They untangle their limbs from each other and stand up, Percy handing back Dave’s shades as the Knight stretches and cracks his back. He slips them back on his face with a smile. His heart feels light for the first time in a long time. As they start to head back inside he finds himself reaching for Percy’s hand, a gesture that they reciprocate as they grab hold of his own. This is the single coolest thing in the history of ever. If he notices any of their meteor-mates staring no he doesn’t.

[CC]: I guess we should go huh?

[TG]: yeah

[TG]: wouldn’t want Karkat to have a fucking aneurysm waiting on us

[hollow-dweller]

Talk shop Tuesday: which themes do you find yourself drawn to when writing/creating? How come?

i've talked about Grief and Complicated Relationships a lot, which are themes i personally believe i am interested in for purely intellectual reasons and definitely say nothing about who i am as a person or anything about my emotional state or the things that have happened to me hang on where did this photo of barbara streisand come from-

anyway.

something i actually find myself exploring a lot is the theme of parenthood. and that was something that emerged, not necessarily without me being aware of it, but it took me a little by surprise when i realized exactly How Much i engage with it.

like i wrote the irondad platonic soulmates au that is actually about May and Pepper being besties specifically as a SUBVERSION of the trope in irondad where Tony finds out that he and Peter are "platonic" soulmates and becomes the Best Dad Ever. and while that fic is very much about the May & Pepper friendship, it is also about parenthood--specifically motherhood--through the lens of two women who have zero biological tie (and in Pepper's case, no traditional familial ties of any sort) to their child.

the twilight au started as an april fool's day joke/avenue to bully @seek--rest specifically and personally, but over the course of writing/plotting it, it rapidly became apparent to me that the May & Peter relationship, and specifically the conflict generated by Spider-Man and its impact on their relationship, was a driving force for the tension in that story. there is the petermj of it all, but really if that fic is about anything it's about May & Peter. which does reflect the impact of parentification/complicated parental relationships on bella's story in twilight in this essay i will-

by the time i got to fics like some way of being human and we said our dreams will carry us, which were conceived around MJ's complicated relationship with her mother and Miles' loss of his mother respectively, it was much more apparent to me how interested i am in Exploring Parenthood. it was always an element in my fics, but for a long time i thought about parenthood as a secondary theme, not a primary one. whereas looking back it's like. you dolt.

i am always Intentional with my writing, but as i have progressed in fandom, i have a) become a better writer and b) achieved more clarity on what exactly i want to explore in these kinds of fics. looking at parenthood, warts and all, is something i am constantly consciously thinking about now as i write. and it's interesting to me to look back and see that evolution through the past few years as my interest--and ability--has refined and crystallized.

also this is again one of those Purely Intellectual things and indicates nothing deeper BARBARA PLEASE-

[marley-manson]

i want to know everything lol but let's try 4, 8 and 11 for now. i'm sure you'll get other asks but alsoooo curious about 15 but for your top 5 fave characters since you are a talented vidder, i'm sure you have interesting thoughts.

Thank you, both for the ask and the comment on my vidding 💖 Sorry I couldn't answer this last night lol, it actually took me a while to answer the song question.

4 . what’s your favorite line ?

lol it's so impossible to choose, I've seen this in a few mash themed ask memes and I have a different answer every time. Today I'm gonna go with a fave gay joke: "Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah. He's Gomorrah."

8 . what’s your favorite ridiculous storyline ?

Hmmmm well I love the vibes of Adam's Ribs a lot. Klinger's subplot in The Trial of Henry Blake is a stone cold classic. Lyle's crush in Springtime. God the pony contest in Life With Father. Genuinely love the erectile dysfunction episode for the freudian stuff. The Klinger/Zale fight in End Run for the sardonic commentary on the war. The tray subplot in The Life You Save for the complementary absurdism.

Uhhhhhh I'm going with pony subplot. It's fun, it's shippy, it's cute, it's light, it leads to one of the best episode endings ever, and it thematically ties into the rest of the episode in a neat way.

11 . favorite random object in the swamp ?

I love the basketball with a jack o lantern face drawn on in marker in Trick or Treatment. It's that or Hawkeye's picture of Truman, because I like to imagine him occasionally directing exasperated commentary towards it.

15 . pick a theme song for one of the characters . why do you think that song suits them ?

Oof lol this is hard because the hardest part of vidding for me is finding the right songs. I actually don't have very many associated with Mash characters for some reason. But I'll give it a shot!

I am going to go with my first vid song for Hawkeye, Waltzing Along by James. May your mind set you free, may your heart lead you on. It's perfect for his vibe imo. The rebellion in spirit despite being trapped, the ways he keeps sane, the love.

I do already have a main song I associate with Margaret: Happy Meal II by The Cardigans. Margaret always on the search for someone to complete her, faking her way through relationships by presenting a facade and trying to be perfect for them, the insistence that she's happy that sounds more and more forced the more it's repeated.

Arrange my books in order Make up some nice stories to amuse you Make things look smart and easy Shape up the place Hungry for the meeting The dinner we'll be eating Wine that we'll be drinking And kinky thoughts I'm thinking All because of you

Though actually I've mentioned that before in another meme, so have a different Cardigans song for her as well lol, Slow:

There'll be rain on our wedding day Rotting roses in my bouqet There'll be rain on our wedding day Gray be the sky Too late to cry

For Trapper... okay I consulted my tiny Mash playlist and found one that I think fits him. Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans. Not the type of song I usually listen to but hey it works.

The sidewalks are watching me think about you Sparkled with broken glass I'm back with scars to show Back with the streets I know

Okay BJ might not be in my top 5 but I actually have a few songs associated with him so he gets to jump the queue. I'm going with GMF by John Grant. I wanted to vid it but it's such a long song with some tricky lyrics to match I couldn't get it started, but I dig it for BJ. Especially this bit:

I am not who you think I am I am quite angry which I barely can conceal You think I hate myself, it's you I hate Because you have the nerve to make me feel

I wanted one for Klinger but if I had one for him I'd be vidding it lol :( So I wracked my brain to think of one for Frank, and realized my all time favourite song actually fits him lol: Lovefool, once again by The Cardigans. Just genderswap it and it's perfect in its pathetic shallow neediness.

ask meme

[keliharuza]

Going into the Dragon Ball fandom, I wasn't expecting it to resonate with me as much as it did. Initially, I had only really heard about the "It's over 9000" meme, until a friend in my Discord community shared clips of DBZA in October of 2023. While watching the parody, I was immediately drawn to the relationship between Gohan and Goku, which felt surprisingly genuine, even amidst comedic exaggeration. This led me to dive into the actual anime series, and I was captivated by the intricate storytelling, intense battles, and the development of characters beyond their initial impressions. I found myself drawn towards the Tournament of Power arc and, having been part of the Ninjago Fandom, another community that took stories meant for a younger audience and expanded upon them unexpectedly, I appreciated the depth that Dragon Ball offered.

The Tournament of Power, with its vast array of characters from different universes, each with their unique abilities and backgrounds, was a spectacle that kept me eagerly anticipating each new episode. The stakes were high, the action was intense, and the emotional moments genuinely moved me. It was during this arc that I truly understood the enduring appeal of Dragon Ball. As I explored the lore and intricacies of the Dragon Ball universe, I was impressed by how the series evolved. It wasn't just about the battles and power-ups; it was also about exploring the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, the consequences of their actions, and the exploration of the multiverse concept.

What struck me the most was the complex character development. Dragon Ball went beyond the stereotypical hero-villain dynamics, portraying characters with shades of gray, making them relatable, and adding layers to their personalities (something I've been exploring in my FSMR Ninjago AU). Being part of the Ninjago Fandom, where fans often contributed to the narrative through various mediums, I was pleasantly surprised to find a similar creative energy within the Dragon Ball community. Fan theories, fan art, and fan-made content added a new dimension to my experience, allowing me to engage with the series in ways I hadn't anticipated.

Thus began my journey with this story. I initially read stories revolving around the post-Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero movie and my adoration for Gohan reached an all-time high. As a character, Gohan had already become a favorite of mine during the Tournament of Power arc. His growth from a timid child to a formidable warrior and his genuine kindness and intellect resonated with me. He reminded me of myself at times, and the headcanons revolving around his trauma struck a chord within me that I hadn't expected. The exploration of Gohan's character, both in the official material and the fan-created content, became a focal point of my journey into the Dragon Ball fandom.

Gohan's evolution remained a central theme in the post-Super Hero movie stories. The narratives delved into the aftermath of the events, his relationships with other characters, and his personal struggles. The fan-created stories, much like the Ninjago AU content I was familiar with, showcased the depth of creativity within the Dragon Ball community. Fan writers and artists took Gohan on new adventures, exploring facets of his character that hadn't been fully realized in the official material.

The themes of trauma and personal growth became particularly poignant in these stories. It was fascinating to see how the fandom took the foundation laid by the series and expanded upon it, addressing the psychological impact of the battles Gohan had faced. The parallels between the struggles of fictional characters and the complexities of real-life experiences were unexpectedly resonant.

As a participant in the Ninjago and Dragon Ball fandoms, I found a common thread in the fan communities' ability to use creative expression to explore deeper themes within the source material. Whether through fan fiction, art, or discussions, the fans contributed to the narrative in a way that went beyond mere entertainment. It became a means of introspection, empathy, and shared understanding.

The unexpected connection I felt with Gohan's character and the nuanced exploration of his experiences in fan content added a personal layer to my journey. It was no longer just about watching an anime or reading fan stories; it became a form of self-reflection, a way to connect with others who found resonance in the same narratives.

As my appreciation for Dragon Ball deepened, I enjoyed the official content and actively sought out the diverse expressions of creativity within the fandom. It was a testament to the enduring power of storytelling and how fictional narratives can become a canvas for personal exploration and connection within a community of like-minded enthusiasts.

[gnc-culture-is]

"what counts as gnc" anon, different ask. maybe not a question.

im no stranger to being gnc (i just didnt have the words for it yet...), i grew up a pretty dedicated tomboy, but it came from a place of internalized misogyny. but once i realized i was nb, i started to explore femininity on my own terms, as well as reconstructing my knowledge on gender and presentation as a whole. cool! felt really good. i really enjoy dressing up, i really enjoy being multigender-flux. i feel good about that.

the thing is, im really drawn to the idea of being butch now. AND dressing in my own weird feminine way. but i dont wanna dress masc again bc it felt forced, it felt like the only other option than being a "regular girl". i dont actually understand masculinity. i find it difficult to feel like myself in masculine clothing, ive tried. but the idea of being a gnc girl... or being the "man in the relationship" (really outdated but you know what i mean.) sounds so appealing. i also dont have the typical butch "build" so thats already isolating on its own.

i dont know. i have no clue where to go from here. any advice, big or small, would be greatly appreciated.

i've recently finished reading Stone Butch Blues - if you're up for it and not triggered by the darker themes i'd recommend it, might help you figure some stuff out about butches and queer culture.

i think this could be another form of gender non conformity? like having your gender be butch, but being non conforming to that gender might be what works for you. following the societal role of a butch while dressing up more fem might be a good option.

this is your journey, however. whatever you end up in is completely valid and understandable.