#and i mean to add that truly i dont care if im included or not bc tbh i kind of dont care for his friend that much

[satuurnos]

I think its so funny when ppl have this attachment and loyalty to this one person in their life where they kind of just like them better and therefore listen to whatever they say like it's not only a little strange

[shiopi]

Soft

pairing: dazai osamu x fem insecure reader

a/n: just had a small idea bcuz my mind has been full of my lil pookie and i love soft dazai<333 this is really self indulgent. not proofread im lazy.

SFW part

Dazai is literally the best person at comforting you. when he first notices youre insecure, he will literally be so shocked because youre so pretty and beautiful! how could you not notice that about yourself? he thinks youre joking at first honestly because in his eyes, you are literally the most gorgeous being ever, no one could compare to you.

he will kiss every part of you while holding you close in his arms. he will whisper sweet nothings into your ear telling you how wonderful you are with a breathy and low voice. "Bella...youre so pretty and cute...ah look at how much of a blushing mess you are for me. youre truly so adorable and pretty. i love every part of you. your body and existence in itself is pure art, darling..mm what a sweet and good girl you are.."

if youre feeling extra sad about it one day, he will literally go and buy all your favorite snacks and flowers. he may not have a lot of money but for you, he will do anything. and that includes postponing his plan to buy more bandages. he bursts the bedroom door open with his hair stuck to his forehead and him a panting mess from running from the shop to the house to give you these treats. he just wanted to surprise you and make you happy and all smiley again that he couldnt contain himself! his hands are full with a bouquet and multiple bags hanging from his hand all full of your favorite snacks.

oh? you dont want to eat them because they will add to your weight? he will assure you multiple times that you are beautiful just the way you are and eating just a few snacks wont do any harm. if you still deny them, then he will offer to go to gym or work out at home together to burn the calories if you want to. although, he thinks you dont need to do anything because youre perfect the way you are but anything to make his love feel better!

NSFW part MINORS DNI

warnings under cut

contains: soft dazai, soft sex to slightly rough, oral sex (reader receiving), mentions of scars and stretch marks, bunch of kisses, body worship, aftercare. lmk if i missed anything

Sex with Dazai is always warm and sweet. he makes sure youre comfortable with whatever you two are doing, he absolutely doesnt wanna force you into anything or having to go along with him because you would feel bad denying him. your pleasure is what matters the most to him.

when you attempt to cover any part of yourself in embarrassment with your hands because you dont wanna show him the sides you claim to be ugly, he will smile softly with a sigh and kiss you softly before pulling your hand away gently. "Bella, you dont need to hide anything about yourself. youre so beautiful, theres not a single ugly thing about your body. youre perfect, my love. please let me see all of you? dont be afraid, you should learn to accept yourself. i love you just the way you are"

to show he means his words, he will also take off his bandages and show his scars that he might have to you. he will even let you touch them if you want to.

his words are so gentle and sweet. he handles you with utmost care as if youre so fragile to him. hes afraid you will break if he even slightly treats you roughly. "ah, youre so pretty, sweetheart. mm...look at how wet you are for me...let me have a taste baby. youre so cute..ill be gentle, i promise."

his thrusts are gentle but also a bit rough, a lot of thought and care are put into behind them. he doesnt wanna hurt you. he wants you to have a good time. he will kiss any stretch marks, scars (if you have) you have. his lips are so gentle and sweet. he does this while still thrusting into you. he will hold onto your hands tightly as if to say hes here for you, that he will never leave you. "youre doing so well for me, love..ahh~ you feel so good..oh god, what did i ever do to deserve someone so wonderful as you? i love you so much.."

he isnt afraid to hide his moans, he wants to let you know just how good youre making him feel and bcuz hes just a slut. he will thrust into you gently at first but later on he finds himself so lost in the pleasure that he will start picking up the pace a lot more while murmuring soft apologies. "ah! ah...mm...im so sorry, bella...haah...i cant handle it, you feel so good. can i go a bit faster? am i hurting you? im so sorry, ahh~"

hes so skilled, he will bring you to an earthshattering orgasm. his movements are so precise but also gentle, lord knows how he does it. he continues to thrust in a bit more after you finish to help you ride it out. he cums balls deep inside you, filling you up with his warm seed.

after you two finish, he will get you a towel to wipe your sweat off and get you some water as well. expect a lot of cuddles and kisses all over your body because man loves you so much and is completely head over heels for you. he wants you to know how much of an effect you have on his life, in a good way of course. he cups your face in his hands, planting sweet kisses all over your face. from your forehead to your nose, your cheeks, the corner of your mouth and your lips.

his lips trail down to your breasts, kissing them softly. he doesnt forget to give your thighs some love as well, which may or may not potentially turn to him eating you out. he wants to make sure you know how loved and beautiful you are as he worships every part of you. "i love you so much, bella. you did so well for me. you deserve everything in this world...i will protect you. i love everything about you, sweetheart. your body is so lovely"

overall, he will treat you like an absolute queen and is a 10/10 boyfie. not a single red flag<3

[brokenhardies]

so im thinking of having jane actually get involved with the plot of the giggle instead of being shunted away, so here are some moments im including

-after the doctor's "humans are no darn good" speech, jane asks him if he truly feels that way or if he's just angry and under pressure because of everything that's happened. the doctor responds with "you shouldve left when you had the chance, jane" referencing how jane was planning on leaving following the timeless child reveal (and the reveal that the doctor knew the whole time) but chose not to which leads to jane referencing the "do you think i care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?" line from dark water

-okay this is just a concept that probably leads into the next one but jane finds a wind up doll version of herself in the toymaker's realm that performs a version of dont tell mama from cabaret - which is a double whammy reference as the toymaker's actor and jane's fifth fc have both been in cabaret

-jane's game with the toymaker is actually a game with her 'not-self' from wild blue yonder, who, as it turns out, is one of the toymaker's pawns. idk how to summarize the game but its a game like tricky cups in which her copy shows her 6 tarot cards with one of them face down (based on the incarnations of the doctor jane has travelled with) and places the rest face down, asking her to focus on one card. slight problem is that jane winds up outsmarting her copy, because her copy seems to have forgotten that the card she picked was ten's card, and considering that both ten and fourteen have the same face, jane just focused on fourteen's card and process of elimination-d her way out of it

-and yes the 6th card - which is permanently face down - is based on fifteen, but jane doesn't know that :')

-during the "well thats alright then!" puppet show, the toymaker references the timeless child, the division and the fact the doctor knew the whole time while keeping jane in the dark. jane tries to rebut that the doctor didnt know about his past incarnation's connections to the divsion, but before she can finish, he cuts her off with "well thats alright then!"

-rose joins the doctor, donna and jane in UNIT, but because she has a zeedex on her - due to her main way around the giggle being the metacrisis and her not having travelled in the TARDIS - she stays behind while they all go to the past to confront the toymaker. the toymaker ends up using rose at one point, possibly in the hypothetical 'dont tell mama' sequence as a backup dancer? idk tho lol

-the spice up your life sequence has both jane and rose get manhandled by the toymaker as well, with him purposefully bumping them together to make it appear like they're kissing - diversity win, the trickster god from another dimension who is racist sexist and vaguely transphobic supports lesbians!

-its rose and martha who pull jane into five and six after she's hit by the galvanic beam. when rose hears jane v screaming after vi appears she immediately goes on the defensive :')

-back to the toymaker being gross he keeps referring to jane as 'herr jane' and 'the timeless child' - herr is the german equivalent to mr, meaning that the toymaker now adds being openly transphobic onto his list of grossness!

-also during the "well thats alright then!" puppet show, jane asks about ryan and dan, two companions who did not die and both left on their own accord. however, the toymaker specifically brings up jane's feelings for ryan, how she never acted on them until it was too late, and how she pushed him away before he left the TARDIS. much like when the toymaker brings up the flux, jane is understandibly a bit pissed that he made sure to emphasise that

[stayxlix]

hellooooo!!! how are you?? i hope well🩵

i have a small question, so, as anyone on this earth should i obviously love off the deep end! I've been looking for a long and really good felix fic for so long (i feel there's a high chance that i already read all of them pls help) and this like exactly what ive been looking for!! It had me hooked the moment i saw the masterlist! Your writing is exceptionally amazing, i really cant put into words just how much and i genuinely enjoy reading this story a, like so mich so that i reread it quite often.

Kinda went off the rail, but the question is, how many chapters do you presume there'll be? It doesn't have to be an exact number, just how much you expect! And my other question is, when do you think a new chapter will come out? Obviously, you don't have to be exact, just what you think! I hope it doesn't sound invasive or something, I'm just really really REALLY excited for what's to come and honestly can't wait so i just wanted to know how long we're approx gonna wait for!! I definitely don't mind waiting as much because I know the next chap will be absolutely breathtaking like the rest! 💗

A little side note, i feel like Decode by paramore and sacrifice (eat me up) by enhypen fits this story so much (maybe not neccessarily all of the lyrics but they just give me the same vibe like decode IS this story) !! I'm even considering making a playlist specifically for this story because I just LOVE IT so so much and wanna be in the right mood when i read it, if yk what i mean??

This is super long, so I hope it's not that bad but have an amazing day, week and year, you definitely deserve that and more! 💓 ily, take care and stay safe, love🩵🩵

hiii anon🩵🩵i've been doing pretty well these days thank you for asking, i hope you can say the same :)

(i apologize in advance for how long this response is lmao)

"as anyone on this earth should" this made me smile so hard omg the entire EARTH lol i truly admire the ambition.😂💕thank you so much for such kind words and high praise, it makes my heart so happy to know you feel this way about my little story💕 tbh im pretty sure ive read all of the felix fics on here too so you're not alone there lol (someone pls help us both)

to answer your questions, i'm not quite sure how many chapters otde will end up with....tbh (much like how i go about my life in general) i have been writing this story without much of a plan in mind aside from like a general outline of how i want it to go/end.😂 maybe the chapter number will end up somewhere in the teens? of course i dont want to drag it out indefinitely..but its also my only project right now so i dont want to rush anything either ya know? :)

as for your second question...well i dont have much of an answer for you here either (im horrible im so sorry lol) my life seems to go in periods of either being super busy or so bored that i dont know what to do with myself and right now things are starting to slow down a bit again, so i'm hoping to have the next chapter out in the next couple of weeks??? (if i can manage to keep a few of my weekends free). so with that being said...i guess i kind of failed to answer both of your questions (again i am so sorry lol i wish i could give you more😭) but either way i do hope you'll stay along for the ride. 💕💕

"I'm even considering making a playlist specifically for this story" ah you have no idea how much this means to me.🥹🥹 i love both of the songs you included here and i think they would be perfect additions to an otde playlist. to be honest i have a little playlist i listen to get into the right mood when i write it (only like 30 songs or so) but im always always looking for more to add. if you might be interested in the link let me know and i'd be more than happy to share, and if you do end up making a playlist i would absolutely love to give it a listen🤭🤭 thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide your feedback anon, i truly appreciate it so very much. i hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/evening/night whatever it may be :) much love🩵🩵🩵

[hellfiremunsonn]

you look so pretty i didn't even notice the size difference for a second. Like, mine aren't that noticeable, but I guess cause my nips don't line up on a horizontal line it has to be mentioned?

Yeah, I was pretty sure these men weren't shit but also...like it felt good to be flirted with? To be seen as desirable? I have never really been in a "relationship" always the let's not label it or the "oh im talking to a guy who showed interest in me and- oh he's married well im blocking you now" (which the married thing has happened more than once, making me feel bad. Like, if they were in an open marriage or poly or whatever, I wouldn't care. But its like im like "isnt that...your wife?" And they get upset i find out like obviously you don't want her to know).

I know my friend didn't mean anything by her comment, so I'm not really mad at her. I think its moreso the guy who said it was a handful (I am a b, maybe c cup depending on the bra (usually its the band) but I think that because I have broad shoulders and a big rib cage, I am big boned i guess cause I am tall, they expect more??)

It just really fucked me up cause I was sitting here and I thought okay he was a piece of shit, and so I started scrolling through Tumblr and reading fanfiction because why not escape reality for a second, and it ended up being smut and I was like ah....my body doesnt...do that normally. And then it made me spiral thinking about every fic I've read (for example, Steve or Eddie) and how its all similar, and then I was like shit maybe I am weird? Like I get i shouldn't let fictional stuff bother me, cause it is fictional, but then I am like hm the men irl suck so why wouldn't it translate (I am not making it make sense like the characters would be fine I think but its like the fics all have similar anatomy i dont have making it seem as though it is normal, and the guys irl suck so they probably also expect that idk im gonna stop this sentence now).

I think the thing that truly bothers me is the fact that, if I am getting close enough to you to feel comfortable topless, because typically I am not, then that means I'm vulnerable and you really just basically stab me. You basically get me in a vulnerable state and go straight for the jugular

Ohgod, yeah I used to never take my top off or my bra off cause I was like nOPE YOU CAN'T SEE MY BOOBS!!!!!

Now I don't care as much because I've thankfully had more positive reactions?

And with fan fic, I try to write sex for reader how I enjoy sex? Which too be fair isn't much because I haven't had a lot of GOOD sex. I've had good moments in sex but never the whole thing. So I don't include a lot of nipple play or stimulation, because I personally don't get much pleasure from it, but I know my partners have so I let them do their thing, thus briefly adding it into fics just cause a mouth on a tit is a common occurrence for the most part.

I also always make sure to get reader to cum from clit stimulation because most vagina havers cannot cum from penetration alone. And I also add it hurting at first, because for me OFTEN times it's really uncomfortable at first, and sometimes it has felt like I'm losing my virginity all over again.

ANOTHER THING. This helps me when reading fics, but (Y/N) isn't me but she is me... Like she's a version of myself I have created to fit these fics, but it's not me me, she's her own character but she is MINE. if that makes sense? Like I have no interest in anal or anal play, but like (Y/N) ??? she'll do anything, and I love her for that.

ALSO, My titties literally get stuck in my armpits when I lay down and I have to pull them out before I get comfy. They be doing what they want I swear.

MEN ARE SHIT

But also voicing your insecurities, and just laying them out on the table sometimes helps! It's something I started to do unconsciously, but I would basically point out these things before someone else could do it, and do it maliciously. Like if I did my eyelashes wonky, I'd point it out right away, or maybe if my ass looked extra flat, or my hair was greasy. Because all our lumps and bumps and ridges, and dips, hairy, smooth, discoloured bits are all part of us, and make us each our own person.

idk where I was really going with this again, I kinda just started typing. But I hope you at least find the tiniest bit of comfort from talking it out with me.

[elliesguitarstrings]

Ok ok ok so how about this! Reader is scared of horror movies and spiders! Like shit scared and Peter constantly teases her about it (her knowing about Spider-Man is up to you). So one day him, reader, mj, Ned are having a sleepover at peters and during the horror movie reader gets scared n screams..and Peter teases her again so she gets hurt and runs to his room. He goes after her to apologise but then tells her not to turn around or something and reader thinks he’s just teasing her again and wants to walk away but then peter just kisses her! Cause there was actually a spider behind her and Peter panicked cause he didn’t want reader to get scared again.

Cue Ned n mj being so happy cause they finally confessed and end up embarrassing Peter.

This is so specific sorry but thank you🥺❤️

this is so cute!!! i wrote this really quickly so sorry if there are some typos :/

~~~~~~~~

“Okay guys, what should we watch?” Peter asks as he crawls out from the makeshift pillow fort in his living room.

You, Ned, MJ, and Peter were all spending the night at his house. Seeing as it’s already the middle of the night and you’re all extremely tired, you decided to watch a movie before you go to bed.

MJ smirks, “We should watch It!” This earns nods of approval from everyone... well everyone except for you.

“Absolutely not!” you deadpan, “I am not watching a scary movie before I go to seep. No way.”

Ned laughs, “Come on Y/N, it’s more funny than scary. Plus it’s not even that scary anyways, you’re such a baby.”

“Am not! I just don’t like scary movies!”

“Y/N, you made me turn off A Bug’s Life because you were too freaked out that the bugs were talking. You’re a baby.” Peter chuckles.

“I just don’t like bugs okay? Sue me!”

“Yeah I’m surprised she still lets you hang around since you’re Spiderman Peter. Hey Y/N did you know he can summon an army of spiders whenever he wants?” Ned jokes.

You’re eyes go wide, “What? Peter is that true? Please tell me that’s a joke.”

“Oh no it’s not a joke, I can control all spiders. Actually, why don’t I get some to come over here right now?”

You shriek, “Nononono! Peter don’t please don’t!”

Ned, Peter, and MJ all burst out laughing. “He can’t actually do that Y/N, he was just being stupid.” MJ giggles.

You breathe out a sigh of relief, though you’re extremely embarrassed. You did just kind of prove their point that you were scared of basically everything. You know that they’re just joking around, but it still hurts your feelings a little.

“You know what,” you announce, “let’s watch It, who cares if it’s scary.”

Peter raises his eyebrows, “Oh, are you sure? We really don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine. I want to. Let’s do it.” You don’t actually want to watch it. But you do want to prove your friends wrong. So you’re just going to have to push through for this one.

“Well okay then, guess we’re watching It!” Peter grabs the remote and turns on the movie, crawling back to his spot next to you.

Already you’re hating this. Even the intro has creepy music that puts you on edge. The movie hasn’t even properly started yet and it’s still freaking you out. You snuggle deeper into your spot on the couch and hope that you are able to fall asleep before any of the really scary parts. You figure that nothing super scary will happen in the first ten minutes, so as long as you drift off before then you’re fine.

Unfortunately, you’re very wrong. Not even five minutes into the movie and there’s already a creepy clown pulling a kid into a sewer. You aren’t expecting it, and the jump scare makes you scream. You bury your head in the pillow, trying to get the terrifying image of Pennywise the clown out of your head.

Instead of comforting you or making sure you’re okay, your friends just laugh.

“Hey, guys, maybe we should turn this off I think it’s a little too much for baby Y/N here.” Peter chokes out in between laughs.

“Yeah, maybe we need to turn on a Disney movie instead.” Ned adds.

“I don’t know guys, the villains can be pretty scary, that might even be too much for her!” MJ giggles.

You’ve had enough. You don’t want to spend any more time with your friends tonight if all they’re going to do is make fun of you. You throw your blanket off and stand up from the couch carefully as not to knock the fort down. You quickly crawl out from under it and storm off to Peter’s room leaving your friends in silence. You slam the door shut, but question when you don’t hear it click. You spin around to see Peter holding the door open, staring at you.

“Peter, go away, I don’t want to hear you make fun of me anymore.”

He slips into the room and closes the door behind him. “I’m not here to make fun of you, I promise.” he pauses. “Y/N I’m sorry, we were just trying to poke fun, we weren’t trying to hurt your feelings. Well, at least I wasn’t, I cant speak for Ned and MJ but Im sure they weren’t either.”

“Well it wasn’t funny Peter. I get that you think of me as a baby because I’m scared of everything but I can’t help it. The least you could do is make sure I’m okay.”

“I know, and again I’m really sorry for not doing that. It was stupid of me to make fun of you and I should have just turned on another movie. I hate seeing you hurt and now I can’t even tell you how bad I feel.”

You can tell that he’s being genuine and that he truly feels bad, so you decide to forgive him. He is your best friend after all, he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. “It’s okay Pete, that you for apologizing.” you smile.

“Oh thank god. I thought you were gonna be mad at me forever.” He rushes towards you and engulfs you in a big hug, nestling his face in your neck. “I swear it won’t happen again.”

You giggle, “Thank you Pete, but can we please go back out there and watch a different movie?”

He looks up at you, his arms still wrapped around your middle, “Oh, yeah sure.” He pulls away from you slowly and you start to turn around towards the door to head back out until his eyes widen. “DONT TURN AROUND!”

You’re taken aback, staring at Peter with furrowed brows. “Huh?”

He looks at you sternly, “Don’t. Turn. Around.”

You sigh, “Peter come on, we just talked about this. I told you not to make fun of me like that anymore. You promised.”

“I’m not joking. Seriously don’t look behind you.”

“Oh my god Peter you’re too much.” You start to turn around to head back out when he grabs your arm harshly, pulling you towards him. Before you know it, his lips are on yours and his arms are back around your waist.

Holy shit. You’re best friend is kissing you. The boy you’ve liked for years is literally kissing you!

Before you get the chance to really kiss him back, he pulls away. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that I just didn’t know how else to make you not turn around so I kissed you and I shouldn’t have done it and now I’ve messed everything up and-”

You cut him off by pressing your lips to his once again, this time truly getting to kiss him. You wrap you arms around his neck with his still snaked around your waist. He pulls you impossibly closer and your lips move in sync, as if they were made for each other. You finally pull away when you run out of breath, your forehead resting against Peter’s.

“Woah.” he whispers.

“Yeah.”

“So I take it that you like me back?” Peter asks.

You giggle, pressing another quick peck on his lips, “Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Awesome.” he pauses, looking behind you at the door. “There’s a spider behind you by the way.”

“What?” you freak out, jumping up and forcing Peter to catch you. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Peter laughs, “I did! But you insisted that I was just joking. So I had to kiss you instead.”

“Oh. Well, sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry. I got to kiss you.” Peter smirks causing you to blush. “Can I put you down now so I can take are of this spider?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

He captures the spider and throws it out the window, not wanting to kill it. You both walk back to the living room hand in hand to see a giggling Ned and MJ.

“I was wondering how long that was gonna take for you to finally get together.” MJ smirks.

You blush, “How did you-”

“We heard everything, including you screaming about the spider.” Ned laughs.

“Shut up!” you giggle.

“Whatever, just please don’t be making out in our fort while Ned and I are trying to sleep. At least get a room.”

You and Peter blush, but MJ and Ned usher you over into the fort. Peter sits down and you snuggle in his lap, his arms wrapped around you to keep you warm. Much to your chagrin, MJ turns It back on, but Peter’s warmth lulls you to sleep quickly and you miss the majority of the movie, sleeping comfortably in his arms.

[saintobio]

i´ve been waiting for so long to leave an ask here :d. i really love sn and its one of my favorites series rn, i really adore how you put the characters and the amount of detail and work that you put in it is the best and makes me think that this would look in the big screen or something like that cuz ive never seen a plot so messy (in a good way haha i really love the twists and development to every single character including the ones that dont play a huge role into the novel) hope i can read++

++ more of it and see what is gonna be at the end !! <33 im glad i found this work ( ill tell u my final thoughts at the end of the series or at least at the end of the 1st season haha)

@japanesevenom said

saint holy shit it’s been a while since I’ve caught your inbox after reading a chapter and I’ve got to say…. I’m speechless I having nothing to give apart from tears and the broken pieces of my heart god damn I mean we knew it all from the start but I’m still really hurt by the revelation honestly you’re going to give me a heart condition it’s not healthy for my heart to hurt this much I feel like It’s caged in metal im crying

But oh my god I love sad desperate satoru it’s truly questionable how much I reread his reaction to the divorce announcement and now to this something about men when they’re begging for forgiveness and professing their love that hits different well I love u

Damn… at least we had lots of fluff on his birthday now we got to figure out custody of the baby my god

Anonymous said

This isn’t really an ask but thank you so much for writing Sincerely Not, I never knew a post that I happened to fall upon at 3 am one morning would take over about 4 months of my life. It’s crazy that it’s coming to an end and I’m excited to see what you have in store for us readers !! Take care 💛💛💛

Anonymous said

im nervous for sn2 omg >///< also tmi was listening to this song "i love you so - the walters" and reminded me of sn ❤️ thank you sm for the great series saint!!! i hope ur getting enough rest stay safe 💟

Anonymous said

i haven’t been able to interact or read the latest chapters because of uni but just wanted to check in! hope you’re doing good and that your days are well Saint!

-🦢

@natsukashii-ai said

Yayy!! finally! i just wanted to addressed your AMAZING work for “sincerely not” wow such a treat 💖 keep the good work sweetie ✌🏻

Anonymous said

i havent written an ask in so so so so long because i know you have a lot on your plate and didnt wanna add to it but i just want you to know that your works are absolutely amazing, ik you hear it from many people already but i just wanna say i appreciate you a whole lot. you stories are fucking amazing i dont know how many times I've reread all of them already. sincerely not keeps me going lately its something that i look forward to every week something that makes me wanna get up everyday 😭😭 i love u and ur works so much words arent enough!!

@sin-with-quiche said

I just want to say I'm a huge fan of this story. I love everything you put into it. The thought, the dedication, the love. I'm sure us readers can feel all of it. I recommended this to my friend, and she absolutely loves it too. We fangirl & discuss about the story! I swear to God, you have first class material to make this into an excellent drama! Do take care of yourself, and don't mind the negative remarks. I love you & your work so much!!! <3(btw I sent another ask long ago, hope u read it!)

THANK YOUUUU SO MUCH 😭😭😭 sn1 is ending soon and i’m really grateful for the love u guys have given this series <33 i appreciate the feedback and support !!

[all-things-mlqc]

Boys reaction to MC who never have date before meeting them. Like, the boys as MC's first love.

My first HC on here and I was memeing half the time while writing it. Included what the boys would do after hearing this news as well because why not. I’m not a Lucien fan but lord have mercy on my soul, I couldn’t help making his romantic af. He is the ideal boyfriend/date minus the l i e s that come in the MS and I hate it. All the crossed out stuff is just commentary because I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy~ Thank you for your ask <3

How the MLQC boys react to being MC’s first love below the cut~

Victor:

Follows with some snarky comment after he calls her “Dummy”.

Let’s be real here, if he doesn’t call her dummy immediately, then something is wrong. Reminds me of when we streamed the first episode of MLQC and we were all yelling “CALL US BAKA” the second Victor came on screen.

While he seems cool and collected on the outside, you can hear the computer shutdown sound play on the inside.

To him, this is a shocking confession.

Victor: I’m not surprised a dummy like you hasn’t been in a serious relationship before.

Victor, internally: How has she never been in a serious relationship before??

He’s not very good at expressing himself honestly through his words but he truly admires MCs hardworking nature.

He finds that very attractive in a woman and is surprised that other men in the line of business haven’t taken their shot with her yet. it’s because they can feel your death stare on the back of their heads, kind sir

One thing he struggles with is being himself. He tries to act like everything is in his control all the time.

Because of this, upon hearing MCs confession, he invites her to a fancy dinner at his penthouse insert Victor’s Dazzling Date because THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. Jkjk haha... unless...

He wants to impress her as much as possible even though he knows deep down that she doesn’t care about what a person has and rather how they are as a person

BUT ALAS. The stress be real for her first boyfriend.

He wants her to know she made a good decision without verbally telling her out of his own bitch mouth I love you, please call me baka so he goes over the top with their first date.

Basically pulls a Mr. Krabs when taking Mrs. Puff on a date. Just add shades to Mr. Krabs to represent Victor’s “I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m all good. We vibin out here.”

All MC wants from him is his honest and genuine thoughts. and a lifetime stock of pudding because good god a girl has chocolate needs

MC eventually figures out Victor’s intentions with all the gifts he rains on her because hE dOesNt nEeD tHeM he can’t give her anything more than a cup of pudding up front

MC knows this and accepts the secret gifts with a smile.

She sends a gift in return to his office the following day along with a thank you for the wonderful date.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of Victor’s heart rate slowing to the average persons.

Kiro:

insert pikachu meme

This boy is mind blown.

“How have you never been in a relationship before??? That can’t be true!”

Kiro sees the good in everyone, so hearing that MC has never been in a relationship before him is

He gives her a bright smile and playfully hugs her from behind.

The two of them laugh together as he whispers genuinely in her ear,

“I promise to make you happy. You won’t regret it.”

He immediately drags her off to Loveland’s Amusement Park, where they spend the whole day together.

Rides, snacks, games, you name it, they did it all.

Kiro naturally spoils MC without putting much thought to it.

It’s like a reflex for him. It’s just who he is as a person. Always wants to share the happiness in the world with the people he cares about.

As for how anxious he is after hearing the news about being MC’s first love, he is screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Almost 100% of the time he has a smile on his face and even convinces himself that he’s not worried about it.

But he is.

It only hits him when he thinks about another man taking MC away from him after seeing her talking with another guy.

MC will catch him without his carefree smile at times and eventually confronts him about it.

He shows her a wide smile and says there’s nothing to worry about.

L I E S. BABIE LEMME HOLD YOU I PROMISE YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY.

After a few attempts of trying to get Kiro to open up about it, he gives in and says he’s worried he’s not good enough for her HAHAHHA, GOOD ONE KIRO

MC, however, turns it around on him

MC: I’m afraid IM the one who isn’t good enough for you.

They both smile and embrace each other, knowing they’ll get through any little concerns like this.

Gavin:

He knows.

We’re talking about the boy who has been in love with MC since high school; Who has protected her behind the scenes ever since he laid eyes on her.

He would know if she had been in a previous or current relationship.

It only comes as a shock when she says she’s never been interested in anyone else romantically before. Lies. Have you seen the other suitors, MC. In a world where guys are that hot, you must’ve had at least 1 crush, c’mon sis.

Gavin respected her personal boundaries and never looked into her personal affairs so he had very little knowledge of her views on other guys.

He gets a little bit nervous, since he believes her standards must be high if she hasn’t been interested in anyone else before.

Does the full on soldier oath, bend the knee cliche which includes “I promise to always protect you” and “Nobody will ever be good enough for you”

Mc: Gavin no...

Gavin: NOBODY WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Spoiler alert: You are waayyyyy too good for me, Gavin.

He doesn’t have too much anxiety over the thought of being MC’s first love though since he’s very good at staying true to himself and knows MC is one to admire that about others.

Gavin is a quiet guy in general. He’s more of an observer and watches MC to take note of what she enjoys.

When he sees her eyes shine bright after seeing a delicious dessert cafe, he offers to take her. He makes sure to express how he also wants to go since he knows she won’t accept unless he is interested as well.

Boy literally has no interests the moment he’s with MC. He is essentially that vine

Doesn’t even wait until the question is over and just “Absolutely. Let’s do it”

MC: But I haven’t even said anything yet...

He isn’t much different from how he is now. Has around the same amount of anxiety just from being in MCs presence.

Boy just wants to PROTECC and is always panicking on the inside but tries to remain calm.

He is very good at calming his anxiety though since he’s had so long to understand what MC values and knows she just loves people for themselves.

That’s all he needs.

Lucien:

His eyes widen slightly at MCs confession.

It’s nothing too mind blowing for him since he knows how refined MC is and how dedicated she is to her work.

It’s still surprising to him that nobody has tried to sweep her off her feet yet.

With how kind MC is, it would be hard for her to refuse a date with a gentleman.

Lucien gently presses a kiss to MCs hand upon hearing her confession.

Lucien: I am honored to be given the opportunity TO WOO to take such a beautiful lady out on a date~ AND MORE PLEASE

Lucien is the definition of a gentleman shhhh we aren’t speaking of current chapters in the main route Lucien. Cover your eyes. Pretend you do not see.

With little to no anxiety showing on his face after the reveal that he is MCs first love, he insists on taking her out to a nice restaurant the most classy and romantic 5 star restaurant Loveland City has to offer as a way to thank her for dealing with his bs (both his bullshit and black swan hahaha I’m so funny oml) being given the opportunity to treat her as a beautiful young lady should be treated.

He’s also more on the less anxious side of being MCs first love.

Lucien is a traditional man and does stuff by the book.

Because of this, he respects and likes the idea of being MCs first love.

He doesn’t go over the top yet isn’t cliche with dates and little actions.

He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Though he may struggle with being openly honest about his own thoughts and feelings, he tries his best to express himself for MC. a lot of the time he just assumes talking to her about his personal affairs would bring her down.

This, however, gets better overtime as they continue to date.

They spend a lovely evening at dinner together and take a midnight stroll through the city oh god city stroll PTSD

He gently wraps his jacket around her bare shoulders with a soft smile as he thanks her once again for believing in him believing he is worthy of her

Bonus:

Shaw:

Shaw, smirking: Is that so?

Oohhhhh you know what that smirk does to me. DOWN BOY D O W N.

He’s surprised but his reaction is very mutual.

His internal thoughts are more on the line of “Hmm I’m her first boyfriend, aye?” and “OYA OYA”

He very likely most definitely places his hand on the wall beside her head and leans in closely to get a reaction from her as he growls,

Shaw: So that means you really like me, yeah? I’m making this way too hot gdi. Shaw stans please enjoy your food

MC looks up to see that same playful smirk resting on his face.

highkey don’t know how to respond because Im just “ok think of 3 things she would probably say and go from there” while my brain just computer error sound

MC: and what about yourself? I’m sure there are tons of girls throwing themselves at you yet you choose me.

He pulls away and places his hands in his pockets with a chuckle.

Shaw: I’ve had my fair share before.

iVe HaD mY fAiR sHarE bEfoRe MY ASS

I’m convinced he’s had one time things with girls purely for information or he isn’t the least bit interested in relationships because he thrives on stimulation and entertainment and nOboDy iS gOoD eNouGh plus he literally asks what people do on dates when taking mc out in his first date in game SO

Either way, this is a LIE. The man can’t relationship for the life of him so he has no RIGHTS to tease her.

Just let him believe or you can try to tease him about it in hopes of getting a little pouty face out of him.

Honestly, their first date would just be the first date we got in the game and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Shaw is a wild child and doesn’t care for romantic dates. at least that’s what he wants you to think

A little insight on his character: He’s very blunt and easily pushes people away all the while keeping them close enough to gather intel. He doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone and makes sure it’s mutual on both ends. Personal relationships only drag him down, especially in his line of work. He prioritizes other things before relationships which makes him so damn FRUSTRATING BUT I SWEAR I WILL CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE A WALNUT JUST YOU WATCH ME.

With that being said, after actually being in a relationship with MC for a while and opening up about their personal lives more, Shaw can be very romantic. He may be awkward for a bit at first since he literally doesn’t know what a date is but he gets there eventually.

He’s still full of fun but is also very gentle and makes sure MC is enjoying herself.

I got sidetracked with the actual HC on this one but Shaw stans need food I NEED FOOD

[chrisbangs]

✨ 😚

another one of my all time favs... sorry for the person i'm about to become (aka listing like 50 of your sets babe ... sorry queen you're just uh... too good <3) i literally adore EVERYTHING you make..

SKZ Yearbook: i think this is one of my all time favourite gfx ever ever ever like i mean ever ma'am... you really slapped me in the face with this one... i say it every time you recolour smth or edit smth but.. your BLUES... you are fucking CRAZY... like everything you make looks so clean but this one fr... god... you really did break my heart using their trainee and babie pics :-( cannot stop looking babie... you did such a beautiful job

Jeongin Bday Set: speaking of blues !! this set is so pretty and clean but you already know i love literally every birthday set you make :-( (ahem shout out to this one).. like they're always so clean and idk man you just make them look so well compositioned and put together?? like i truly am always in awe of everything you make but your bday sets wow...

Princes x SKZ (but specifically Chan's.......): yes so the whole series was INSANE... and SO beautiful but okay......... flynn was my favourite prince when i was little like i watched tangled in the theatres and i was convinced ill marry this 3d modelled man like im sorry i have problems yeayyeah who cares hes FUNNY AND STUPID !!!!! and the fac t that you did CHAN as FLYNN........ god good........ central nervous system DOWN. the colours of this :-( ha... they make me so happy... like this set i always cheese SO hard whenever i see it dude TT TT

Headband!Hyunjin: wow.. the reds and greens... do you know how talented you are miss ma'am :-( <3 literally i remember this set all the time and it makes me so ^ u ^ .. its truly such a NICE set... i love headbands >:) and this set is just so beautiful coloured so lovely... i know i say it all the time but you probably have one of my all time favourite colourings baby.. like maybe im biased bc i've known you so long and seen your gifs since so long but :(( you really are such a talented person ;;

Be Original God's Menu Hyunjin: omg i remember when you first posted this i was so O___O i love how you did the set... normally i dont like narrower gifs but this just adds to the effect and the vibe?? like this is so sick really...

Honorable Mentions: this hyunjin set!! the blues and the reds look so good together.. from what i remember this stage was soooo ugly... faowneifaonw but you made it looks so pretty and consistent.. your tags are so wrong op it was beautiful! also this chan set! how can i not mention it :-( when i saw your tags i CRIED.... straight up real tears... not that im biased or anything but they are such nice gifs and fjoaiweowa youre so sweet to me always... and also this chan set!! ONCE AGAIN SORRY IM BIASED !!!! you included literally soooo many of my favourite looks :( the one from isac... fainting .. im FAINTING... thats my bf.. it really is... :( like you made this for me?? for ME??? so biased but who cares im a leo i can do what i want <3 fnaoiweonaw

[shijas]

hi chel! i hope this is ok to ask but if it isnt, you dont have to answer. lately, ive been struggling with my writing. i do still enjoy writing, but i find myself doubting myself more often. i sometimes wonder if what im writing is realistic to how the characters would act, or if my writing is embarrassing. i started posting my works on ao 3 more recently and... while my writing gets a somewhat decent? amount of attention, ill see other works with a lot of engagement and wonder if im doing

heyy nonny! ofc this was okay to ask!! firstly, i totally feel you. it’s completely natural to have moments when you’re unsure and dissatisfied with your writing. if you still enjoy the process of writing, then that’s great! i want to make it clear that your feelings may linger but they will pass!!

i talked about this in an ask on my writing blog once but my three biggest writing tips are: “a first draft is a first draft”, “if you’re writing is indulging you then it’s met your target audience” and “as long as your characterisation is consistent to how you feel about the character everything is fine”.

i think, especially, when you’re writing fanfiction that these are things that you keep in mind! when characterising characters, i can’t personally tell you whether how you feel and thus write about them is ‘correct’ or not! no one can, because the lens of which you read and write them is dependent on your whole life worth of experiences!! and this is fine!! you don’t have to write characters exactly as they are in canon, and in all honestly no one truly expects you too. people read fanfiction because they want other interpretations of a story/characters that they love!! as long your characterisation is consistent to you, rather than realistic to someone else’s standards i think you’ll be okay!

now, posting on ao3 is always a double edged sword, and once again, i totally get where you’re coming from. i think everyone who posts semi frequently has a work that they love, which gets barely any attention, and other works that maybe are more of a joke or a quick thing that do surprisingly well. sadly, you can’t force readers or engagement, you can only put your stuff out and hope. if your numbers seem small and the engagement does seem low in comparison to other people, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong and as hard as that is to internalise or believe, please trust me on this!! i’ve read many a fic with barely any interaction and they’ve been brilliant, likewise i’ve read a lot of fic with a whole bunch of engagement that i personally didn’t enjoy.

a quick initial solution that helped me when seeing numbers really started to bog me down was using the site skin that removed all statistics from every work, my own included. this meant that i could still read fics, but i wouldn’t see anyones numbers, and it also meant when i went on my own page i was forced to look at my works for what they’re about rather than how “well or not” they did by numbers.

another thing that really helped me was advice from a tiktok i can’t currently find which basically said: “30, 60, 100 views might not seem like a lot on the internet, but imagine if that many people walked into your room and saw what you’ve created. they chose to come and see what you’ve created. 15, 40, 60 likes may not feel like a lot but imagine if that many people who had walked into your room to see what you’ve created and told you they liked your work. it would be pretty overwhelming.” i think there’s a really important message in that tiktok. every view, every kudo, comment and bookmark — even if it’s few — is an individual who chose to take a look at your work! they wanted to read it! some of them felt brave enough to kudo and tell you they enjoyed it! some of them were even braver and left a comment saying what they enjoyed! sure, it can feel underwhelming in comparison, but people are engaging, people do care and like your work!

the only person your writing has to be ‘good enough’ for is yourself! and if you enjoyed writing it then external numbers are just a bonus, no matter how big or small!! dissatisfaction is natural and expected from time to time, like i said earlier it will pass. sometimes it’s even a good thing, because if you finish something but feel dissatisfied, that might motivate you to write another draft, or redo a section or take a section out or add a section in! as long as this process is because you want to and it’ll make you happier with your work that’s good. if it’s draining it might be a hint that you should take a break from that project and try something else that you enjoy. you can always comeback. and on that note your ao3 and the fics you post there are not set in stone. if one day you decide you want to revamp a fic, do it! that’s allowed! it’s not a printed published fic! just hit that edit button and change at your hearts content. no one will mind! if anything those few people who might love you fic may be super happy that when they reread it, there’s something new or things have changed a bit!!

i’m really lucky that i have a friend that is not only is doing an english degree but writes fanfic herself, and other friends who frequently read fics and hc stuff over shared fandoms, so there’s always someone there to read my stuff — if you’ve got irl friends that are in your fandom spaces that you trust, i say subject yourself to the mortifying ordeal of being known and talk to them about it!! writing fics in isolation can be pretty hard!! online, i think if you’ve got the nerves to handle it (i do not OTL), twitter is a great place to interact with other writers!! my tips are maybe follow some of your fave writers and try and strike up a conversation?? be wary of the numbers again on twitter!!! similarly, if you do have a tumblr, talk to some of your favourite writers on here, and follow some writing/ao3 based blogs to see whose in the community! apparently there’s even discords for writers these days, so if you’re up to it that’s a great shout. if we’re in overlapping fandoms i love hearing people’s hcs so you can always throw them at me here or on my writing blog!!

i’m sorry that my reply got so long!! i hope that in some way it helps you even a little!! i’m sure you’re writing is pretty amazing and that it’s only going to get better the more you read and write!! have a great day nonny, and good luck, you can push through this!! 💗

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[iridescentides]

hi again dia! happy first day of december ❤️💚 i wanted to ask you what, in your opinion, are the 5 most underrated dcoms? i remember you saying before that you've watched all of them so i'd love to hear your opinions 😊 - 🎅🎁🎄

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH secret santa you are so good! asking me all the best questions 💜

okay so i literally had to make a list of all the dcoms i consider underrated and then narrow down a top 5. theres lots of dcoms that i love, but that i think got the right amount of attention and care (like lemonade mouth and the teen beach movies, for example), so this list just focuses on ones that deserved more hype for their quality level.

5. The Cheetah Girls: One World (2008)

okay so even as i type this i feel like a hypocrite. i have only watched this movie one time. BUT i can acknowledge that its one of the most criminally underrated dcoms ever, tons of people didnt watch it simply because raven wasnt in it. thats why i avoided it as a child, and i didnt get around to watching it until i did my big dcom binge in 2016. and it was so good. theres a really long post floating somewhere around tumblr full of specifics on why its actually the best cheetah girls movie (my favorite is the second one purely out of nostalgia), so to paraphrase some points from that post:

its a solid example of cultural appreciation, rather than appropriation, as the girls go and learn about bollywood and indian culture together

the indian characters arent treated like props or unimportant sides, they get their own agency and storylines that are important

the songs are good!!!

basically this movie was overlooked and slept on even though in terms of role modeling and social value, and just like the first two cheetah girls movies it was important and impactful.

4. Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure (2011)

okay so as someone whos very neutral and occasionally negative-leaning towards the hsm franchise (mostly bc its overhyped and not really representative of all dcoms), i was pleasantly surprised by sharpays fabulous adventure. this is another one that i know lots of people skipped right over and dont hold with as much esteem as the main hsm franchise, and that doesnt sit right with me.

i do not agree with the “uwu sharpay was the real victim in hsm” arguments bc in their efforts to look galaxy brained the people who say that overlook the fact that she was a rich white woman who used her power and status to exercise control over opportunities that should have been fairly and freely available for all; they were not “making a mockery of her theater” in the first movie, they were literally just kids who wanted to try out a new school activity that everyone was supposed to be allowed to participate in; and despite allegedly learning her lesson and singing we’re all in this together with everyone at the end of the first movie, she literally showed no growth in the second movie as she fostered an openly hostile environment and favored troy so heavily that it literally cost him his friends, all as part of yet another jealous plan to take things away from people who already have less than her. she was NOT the victim in the main franchise, and she did not seem to exhibit any growth or introspection either.

and that!!! is why sharpays fabulous adventure was so important. in focusing on sharpay as the main character, they finally had to make her likeable. they did this by showing actual real growth and putting her outside of her sphere of influence and control. we saw true vulnerability from her, instead of the basic ass “mean girl is sad bc shes actually just super insecure” trope (cough cough radio rebel), and this opened us up to finally learn about and care about her character. throughout the movie we see her learn, from her love interests example, how to care for others and be considerate. she faces actual adversity and works through it, asking herself what she truly wants and what shes capable of. and in the end, when she finally has her big moment, we’re happy for her bc she worked hard to get there. she becomes a star through her own merit and determination, rather than through money and connections. this movie is not perfect by any means, but it is severely underrated for the amount of substance it adds to sharpays character.

3. The Swap (2016)

okay i know im gonna get shit for this but thats why its on this list!!! just like sharpays fabulous adventure, its not perfect and definitely misses the mark sometimes, but it deserves more attention and love for all the things it did get right!

the swap follows two kids who accidentally switch bodies because of their emotional attachment to their dead/absent parents’ phones. and while i normally HATE the tv/movie trope of a dead parent being the only thing that builds quick sympathy for a young character, they definitely expanded well enough to where we could root for these kids even without the tragedy aspect. we see them go through their daily struggles and get a feel for their motivations as characters pretty well. as a body switching movie, we expect it to be all goofy and wacky and lighthearted, but it moves beyond that in unexpected ways.

the reason the swap is on this list is for its surprisingly thoughtful commentary on gender roles. its by no means a feminist masterpiece, and its not going to radicalize kids who watch it, but it conveys a subtle, heartfelt message that deserves more appreciation. the characters struggle with the concept of gender in a very accurate way for their age, making off-base comments and feeling trapped by the weight of expectations they cant quite put their finger on. we watch them feel both at odds with and relieved by the gender roles they are expected and allowed to perform in each others bodies, and one of the most interesting parts of the movie to me is their interactions with the other kids around them. as a result of their feeling out of place in each others environments, the kids inadvertently change each others friendships for the better by introducing new communication styles and brave authenticity. 

the value of this movie is the subtle, but genuine way it shows the characters growing through being given the space to act in conflicting ways to their expected norms. ellie realizes that relationships dont have to be complex, confusing, and painful, and that its okay to not live up to appearances and images. jack learns that emotional expression is good, healthy, and especially essential to the grieving process. one of the most powerful scenes in the movie comes at the end where, after ellie confronts jacks dad in his body, jack returns as himself to a very heartfelt apology from his father for being too hard on him; the explicit message (”boys can cry”) is paired with an open expression of love and appreciation for his kids that he didnt feel comfortable displaying until his son set an example through honest communication. this is such an empowering scene and overall an empowering movie for kids who may feel stuck in their expected roles, as it sets a positive example for having the courage to break the restrictive societal mold. for its overall message of the importance of introspection and emotional intelligence, the swap is extremely underrated.

2. Freaky Friday (2018)

this is my favorite dcom, and probably my favorite movie at this point. ive always assigned a lot of personal value to this movie (and i love every freaky friday in general), for the message of selfless familial love and understanding. i know i can get carried away talking about this topic; i got an anon ask MONTHS ago asking me about the freaky friday movies and i wrote a super super long detailed response that i never posted bc i didnt quite finish talking about the 2018 movie. and thats bc on a personal level, i cant adequately convey all the love i have for this movie. so i will try to keep this short.

first lets state the obvious: the reason people dont like this movie is bc its not the lindsay lohan version. and i get that, to an extent, bc i also love the 2003 version and its one of my ultimate comfort movies, and grew up watching it and ive seen it a billion times. i even watched it a couple days ago. but the nostalgia goggles that people have on from the early 2000s severely clouds their judgement of the wonderful 2018 remake.

yes, the 2018 version is dorky, overly simplistic plot wise, a bit stiff at times, and super cheesy like any dcom. the writing isnt 100% all the time. the narrative takes a couple confusing turns. the song biology probably shouldnt have been included. i understand this. but at the heart of it all, this movies value is love. and its edge over all the other freaky friday movies is the songs.

on a personal level, the movie speaks heavily to me. i cried very early into my first viewing of the movie bc i got to see dara renee, a dark-skinned, non-skinny actress, playing the mean popular girl on disney channel. that has never happened before. growing up, i saw the sharpays and all the other super thin white women get to be the “popular” girls on tv, and ultimately they were taken down in the end for being mean, but that doesnt change the fact that they were given power and status in the first place for being conventionally beautiful. so, watching dara renee strut around confidently and sing about being the queen bee at this high school got to me immediately. and in general, the supporting cast members of color really mean a lot to me in this movie. we get to see adam, an asian male love interest for the main character. we have a second interracial relationship in the movie with katherines marriage to mike. ellies best friend karl is hispanic. and we see these characters have depth and plot significance, we see them show love, care, and passion for the things they value. the brown faces in this movie are comforting to me personally. additionally, the loving, blended family dynamic is important to me as someone in a close-knit, affectionate step-family.

but on a more general level, this movie is underrated for its skillful musical storytelling and the way it conveys all kinds of love and appreciation. in true freaky friday fashion, we watch ellie and katherine stumble and misstep in their attempts to act like each other. its goofy and fun. but through it all, the music always captures the characters’ intimate thoughts and feelings. the opening song gives us a meaningful view into ellie and katherines relationship and the fundamental misunderstandings that play a role in straining their connection. ellie sings about how she thinks her mom wants her to be perfect, and her katherine sings about all the wonderful traits she sees in her daughter and how she wants her to be more open and self assured. this is meaningful bc even as theyre mad at each other, the love comes through. the songs continue to bring on the emotional weight of the story, as ellie sings to her little brother about her feelings of hurt and abandonment in her fathers absence. the song “go” and its accompanying hunt scene always make me cry bc of the childlike wonder and sense of adventure that it brings. for the kids, its a coming of age, introspective song. for katherine who gets to participate in ellies body, its a reminder of youth and the rich, full life her daughter has ahead of her. she is overcome with excitement, both from getting to be a teenager again for a day, and from the realization that her daughter has a support network and passions that are all her own. today and ev’ry day, the second to last song, is the culmination of the lessons learned throughout the movie, a mother and daughters tearful commitment to each other to love, protect, and understand one another. the line “if today is every day, i will hold you and protect you, i wont let this thing affect you” gets to me every time. even when things are hard and dont go according to plan, they still agree, in this moment, to be there for each other. and thats what all freaky friday stories are ultimately about.

freaky friday 2018 is a beautiful, inclusive, subversive display of familial love, sacrifice, and selflessness, and it is underrated and overlooked because of its more popular predecessor.

1. Let It Shine (2012)

this is another one of my favorite dcoms and movies in the whole world. unlike the other movies on this list, it is not the viewers themselves that contribute to the underrated-ness of this movie. disney severely under-promoted and under-hyped this movie in comparison to its other big musical franchises, and i will give you five guesses as to why, but youll only need one!

let it shine is the most beautifully, unapologetically black dcom in the whole collection. (i would put jump in! at a notable second in this category, but that one wasnt underrated). this movie was clearly crafted with care and consideration. little black kids got to see an entire dcom cast that represented them. the vernacular used in the script is still tailored mostly to white-favoring audiences, but with some relevant slang thrown in there. in short, the writers got away with the most blackness they were allowed to inject into a disney channel project.

the story centers on rap music and its underground community in atlanta, georgia. it portrays misconceptions surrounding rap, using a church setting as a catalyst for a very real debate surrounding a generational, mutlicultural conflict. this was not a “safe” movie for disney, given its emphasis on religious clashes with contemporary values. it lightly touches on issues of image policing within the black community (cyrus’s father talking about how “our boys” are running around with sagging pants and “our girls” are straying away from god), which is a very real and pressing problem for black kids who feel the pressure (from all sides) of representing their whole race with their actions. its a fun, adorable story about being yourself and staying true to your art, but also a skillful representation of struggles unique to black and brown kids and children from religious backgrounds.

on top of crafting a fun, wholesome, thoughtful narrative and likeable protagonists, let it shine brought us what is in my opinion the BEST dcom soundtrack of all time. every single song is a bop. theyre fast, fun, and lyrically engaging. “me and you” is my favorite disney channel song of all time due to its narrative significance; i will never forget my first time watching the movie and seeing that big reveal unfold onstage, as a conversation and a plot summary all wrapped into a song. the amount of thought and care that went into the music of this movie should have been rewarded with a level of attention on par with that of other musical dcoms.

if disney channel had simply cared about let it shine more, it couldve spanned franchises and sold songs the way that other musical dcoms have drawn in success. i would have loved for a sequel that explored and fleshed out cyrus’s neighborhood a little bit more, and maybe dipped into that underground scene they caught a glimpse of. i wanted a follow up on the changed church community once cyrus’s father started supporting his sons vision. i want so much more for these characters and this world than disney gave them in just one movie.

for its bold, unabashed representation of blackness and religion, subtle, nuanced presentation of race-specific issues, strong, likeable characters, and complex, thoughtful songs, let it shine is the most underrated dcom.

and because i made a full list before i started writing this post, here are some honorable mentions:

going to the mat (2004)

gotta kick it up! (2002)

tru confessions (2002)

dont look under the bed (1999)

invisible sister (2015)

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[illusionlockarchive]

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick! 

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

[pathos-logical]

One Picture, a Thousand Words

Roman is a wonder that cannot be put to words, Logan a marvel that ink cannot capture. They try anyway.

Hoo, this sure was a labor of love! Love because I love @bleepblopbloop56​ with all my heart and labor because HOLY HECK WAS THIS HARD TO WRITE. But never mind any of that, because HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my friend!!! I absolutely adore you, and I hope your year is as fantastic as you are!!!

Trigger warnings: Food mention; a joking mention of hallucinations. I think that’s it, but please tell me if I need to add something!!

There are a thousand words Logan could use to describe Roman. He would pull a Shakespeare and invent a thousand more if it meant finding a word that could accurately chronicle the tapestry of Roman, all colorful patches and carefully stitched seams. But Logan is no artist, and his words seem an inadequate medium. 

Beautiful, he thinks and immediately discards. That is too obvious, the truth of it plain to see. Lovely is- better. More intimate. But too soft, perhaps, for Roman’s flame-edged hair, the bronze of his skin and the steel in his spine.

He has tried countless words, none of them quite right. Larger-than-life. (And no, his charisma and magnetic smile absolutely did not excuse the way he didn’t seem to know how to shut up.) Captivating. (Roman did have a way with words, when he wasn’t being an idiot.) Extraordinary. (He was quite the artist and actor.) Brilliant. (Again, Roman was rather intelligent when it came down to it.) Perfect. (Technically impossible. But.)

All those words he longs to say, not one spoken aloud.

(Or- once. Alone in his room, he had tried the shape of mine on his mouth, thought about how it tasted on his lips and imagined the look in Roman’s eyes if he ever dared to say it in front of him. Once, and never again.)

Oh, he wishes. But Logan has always been better with words on the page than to other people.

Well, he thinks, looking down at the piece of paper in his hands, I suppose that’s what this is for. His eyes rove over the paper, skimming over phrases without really taking them in. If he reads it he’ll try to fix it, and at this point there’s too much of his heart in the words for him to change them.

He looks at the last paragraph. It’s the kind of declaration he sneers at in the romance novels Roman so adores, the kind of thing he would’ve sneered at barely years ago. But Roman always did have a way of making him question things he’d taken for postulates- himself included.

I tried, over the course of this letter, to pin down what exactly about you has drawn me so irrevocably into your orbit and left me floundering in unfamiliar space. However, as the length of this might indicate, I soon discovered that I could not.

You know me. It is very rare that I find myself lost for words. But I find myself unable to find the correct words to describe you, or even the correct words. Not because I have run out of things to say, or even because you have left me speechless, but because I could use a whole dictionary of love letters and fail to find the words that capture the way your eyes shine in the light when you laugh at your own jokes, and all the cliches in the world cannot express how I feel about every mundane, breathtaking thing about you.

But despite all that, I have three words for you, Roman, and I suppose there is no better day to deliver them than today (as of the day you receive this, at least).

I love you.

 Roman has a sketchbook no one but him has ever seen.

The drawings are all in pencil, and Roman aches to paint them, to mix his colors until he finds shades that will truly bring them to life. But Logan is a peculiar kind of monochrome, with his navy hair and black polo shirts and countless blue ties, and Roman fears that no amount of paint could do that justice.

It’s undeniable that the warm brown of Logan’s eyes is a color he itches to find in a colored pencil, that the almond of his skin is one he longs to see redden at his touch. But those aren’t the things he really wants to capture when he puts pencil to paper anyway. No, when he draws Logan, his focus is on the subtle gleam that comes to his eyes when he speaks about something he’s passionate about, the curl of his lips when his emotionless facade breaks at some stupid comment Roman made.

Roman wishes he could show Logan the notebook, sometimes, the days when his longing overpowers his surety in the fact that it could never be reciprocated. He imagines coffee-colored eyes looking through the pages with delight, taking in the devotion clear in the meticulous lines. He pictures the hands he’s spent hours perfecting skimming over paper, taking care not to smudge the lead.

(He sees disgust settling in the curve of Logan’s lips and rejection showing in the set of his shoulders, and he pushes away the thought and hides his notebook under his pillow, pretends that he hasn’t memorized the shape of Logan’s smile.)

But he doesn’t think of any of that today. It’s Valentine’s Day, and Roman is dressed for it. He dons his armor that he definitely did not spend a whole two hours deliberating on and sets out the door armed with a kind of desperate false bravado, which is immediately undermined by how he jumps at his roommate Patton’s encouraging “go get ‘im, tiger!” shouted through the walls.

Still scowling at the door behind him, Roman briefly debates how desperate a text will make him sound before deciding, screw it.

Hey, we still on for lunch at Cream of the Cup?

The reply is prompt, as always, and Roman makes a futile attempt at smothering the smile he knows is blossoming across his lips.

>> Of course.

I’ll see you then!

Roman can so do this.

Virgil I can’t do this

>> why not?? youve been planning this for weeks, youll bbe fine

actually, knowing you, orobably months

Jfkdkfkfkfk

it’s

LOGAN

>> im aware, weve only veen best friends for years now

… 

if yoy send a long rambling text ahout how wonderful logan is and how you dont deserve hkm im gonna lose it

roman i swear to god

HE’S JUST SO SMART AND AMAZING AND I’M JUST ME I DON’T DESERVE HIM AND WHAT IF I SCREW THINGS UP BETWEEN US FOREVER AND HE HATES ME OR WHAT IF IT’S AWKWARD I’M OKAY WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS REALLY HE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN LIKE ME THAT WAY ANYWAY I MEAN WHY WOULD HE

Whoops sorry

>> youre not

I’m not

But

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>> okay roman, listen up, because I’m only gonna say this once. 

first of all, cut it with the self-deprecating crap. one, that’s my thing. and two, I WILL pull a patton and fight you.

stop doubting yourself, it doesn’t suit you

I might not have known you as long as I’ve known logan, but I know 

I can see you typing. shut up.

maybe I haven’t known you as long as I’ve known Logan, but I do know you’re a good guy, and you /clearly/ love him

KSKFKFKKFKGD W H A T

>> yes, everyone knows, no, Logan does not, LET ME FINISH

it means a LOT to him that you actually read the articles he sends you about mars rovers at 3 am and that you don’t tell him he’s annoying for infodumping about alpha centauri or whatever star system he’s planning to go to and that you deal with his hypocrisy about sleep schedules and his general inability to do emotions

also, knowing him for years means I know his type, and trust me, you’re it

and even if by some miracle he doesn’t like you back, you guys are too close to ruin your friendship. okay? so however this ends, I promise you’ll still be friends

>> But

ROMAN

listen, you don’t tune him out when he starts babbling, and he does the same for you. he loves listening to your rants about art theory, he goes to every single one of your shows, and he started learning Spanish just to impress you. yes, he’s learned more phrases than just insults, he’s just been hiding it so he can surprise (aka impress) you later

and roman? he really really does value your friendship. you know that we’ve known each other since forever, so you know I mean it when I say that I’ve NEVER seen him get so close to someone this quickly.

and… you’ve been good for him too, okay? he’s not really the type to get lonely, but that’s just because he gets so tied up in his giant brain he forgets there are people in the outside world to talk to. but it really is important to him that you’re always there for him, and… I can tell you right now that he’s told me how much he appreciates you for it

after all that? I’d say he loves you too, dude. go for it.

you can talk now

Holy heck you DO love me

>> eh

Holy HECK

Wait

Did you turn on autocorrect just to yell at me???

>> Only for you, babe.

Please never do that again

yeaj that was oncredibly unconfortable

now GO GET YOUR MAN

 Roman, for all his theatrics about love at first sight and true love’s kiss, hadn’t mentioned Valentine’s Day plans once in the weeks leading up to it. Then, exactly one week ago, he’d texted Logan with a simple request to meet up at a nearby cafe. Logan knew him too well to miss the possible connotations of such an invitation. But it was entirely possible that this was merely meant to be an outing between two friends. A platonic outing.

A platonic outing where there was barely room to stand, forget sit. Logan curses under his breath. He’d decided for once to not show up fifteen minutes early, as that would only give him more time to second-guess himself, especially as Roman was notorious for being chronically late. But he had failed to account for the obvious fact that, it being both a Saturday and Valentine’s Day, the usually quiet cafe is filled to the brim with couples ordering the heart-themed specials and kissing and generally clogging the air with sweet words and PDA. And no, Logan is not irrationally annoyed about this, he’s just worried he won’t be able to secure an empty table for him and Roman.

But just as the thought crosses his mind, he catches a familiar head of fiery hair at a table against the wall, bent over his phone and apparently completely absorbed by whatever he was looking at. An incredulous “Roman?” slips from his lips unbidden, because- well, Roman had once nearly been late to the first show he was the lead in. But there he was, reserving a table at exactly 12:30 with a croissant in front of him. Maybe today really was a day for miracles.

He watches with amusement as Roman jumps and looks up at the sound of his name. His face lights up as soon as he registers who it is, and Logan abruptly goes from amused to filled with some kind of fluttery warmth he doesn’t want to quantify.

“Logan!” Roman exclaims, hurriedly tucking his phone away. “Hey! How are you?” His smile beams out like the sun, but it dims upon Logan’s next words.

“Not well, unfortunately,” Logan informs him gravely. “I fear I have been having severe auditory and visual hallucinations. For example, I am currently experiencing one so vivid that I believe I am conversing with a friend in a cafe when I know that there is no chance of him being here yet.” Maybe Logan should feel bad about the way Roman’s expression morphs from worry to alarm to overblown outrage, but the challenging gleam in his eyes arrests him as surely as that of of Roman’s heart-shaped studs, and he can’t bring himself to regret it.

“Hey, I’m not always late!” he protests so loudly several patrons turn to look at him, perhaps expecting a scene.

Logan can’t help the smirk that creeps across his face as he slides into the seat opposite Roman, surreptitiously tucking a navy blue folder besides him. Thank goodness for Roman being typically Roman and reserving a booth that could seat six for a party of two. “Roman. Once Virgil and I deliberately told you to meet up an hour after we were actually supposed to meet so that when you inevitably showed up late, it would only be by five minutes rather than fifty. And the very idea that you could be on time for something went so flagrantly against the laws of the universe that the universe struck back by making your car break down, and you missed the meeting entirely.”

“Is that what happened?” Roman asks, looking so genuinely gobsmacked that Logan can’t help the snicker that escapes him. Roman’s expression flips to one of self-satisfaction, and Logan tries to ignore the little burst of fondness in his chest at the sight. Even if the rest of today goes horribly, at least he can savor this easy banter between them.

And banter they do, debating over whether Logan’s physics professor or Roman’s marketing professor is more inept before commiserating over the “perpetual hell week” that is college. They bounce from the disappointing latest installment of one of Roman’s favorite series to a terrible documentary on aliens Logan had found on a “science” channel (“It’s called a having a basic grasp of eighth-grade geometry, Roman- which, unlike this nine-thousand year old civilization, these morons have clearly never achieved!”) to every little thing in between, their food forgotten in front of them.

It’s nothing special, technically- they’ve been friends for years now, and they often have talks about everything and nothing. But today Logan can convince himself that an electric current is charging the air between them, flushing Roman’s cheeks and lighting up his eyes as Logan is drawn in, helpless against his magnetism.

There’s no decisive moment where Logan thinks, this is it. There’s just Roman, his laughter like bells in the breeze, and Logan, gazing at him like he’d put the stars in the sky.

“Roman,” he says. That’s it- Roman.

Roman is still giggling at his rendition of the student who’d spilled their coffee on the drama professor on the first day, but he sobers at whatever look is on Logan’s face. “Hey- you good, Lo?”

The nickname catches at something in Logan’s chest, pulls it open so the next words come just a little harder, just a little easier. “Roman,” he says again, looking down. “I do not wish to… ruin the mood, but I have something to confess.”

(He’s looking down, so he misses the way Roman jumps at the last word.)

But when he meets Roman’s eyes, open and curious, Logan’s confidence abandons him. He exhales slowly in an attempt to regain some of the feeling from before, like the memory of Roman’s voice will fortify his. But all that comes out is: “I wrote- would you-” 

Logan’s throat fails him entirely, something a little like dread and a little like hope clogging it up. Without another word, he slides the folder he had kept tucked at his side to Roman. When Roman raises a curious eyebrow, Logan simply smiles- a quick, brittle thing- and motions for him to open it.

Earlier, the noise in the cafe had distracted Logan, had made him frown when it rose over Roman’s voice. But suddenly it all fades into the background, the chatter of voices and clatter of spoons receding in favor of the thwip of the folder opening, the little breath Roman takes when he reads the first two words.

Dimly, Logan thinks he must have used up all his words in the letter. His fingers lay still at his sides, mind is utterly blank as he watches Roman read it. But his heart is pounding loud enough that for an absurd second, he’s sure Roman can hear it in the sudden quiet.

Logan waits for a minute, maybe five. He thinks he’d wait for Roman forever if he asked. But Roman doesn’t make him wait that long, because when he looks up his eyes are wet with tears, and when Logan uselessly opens his mouth- to do what? His voice certainly hasn’t returned- Roman lurches forward, clumsy in a way Logan has never known him, and seals their lips with a kiss.

And when they finally draw apart, Logan thinks he’s regained his words (or maybe just these three), because they force themselves out of his lips like they’ve been waiting to do so since Logan said Roman’s name. And Roman, his face a study in the kind of shock and delight that can only come from a thought-to-be-hopeless dream coming true, returns them.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(1/2)🐛? (on mobile cant find your faq sorry) My mom raped me for years and i recently escaped now that im 18. I didnt remember the sexual abuse when i made the decision to leave but i randomly realized it a few months later. I have found little support and therapy for an hour a week is all i can afford but is not enough. I am at the end of my rope with my trauma and DID and i dont know what to do. The biggest issue is the overwhelming shame, and feeling like i deserved it.

(2/2)🐛 I keep falling into saying it didn't happen/wasn't that bad/others had it worse to the point I get sick when I deny it too much. An alter keeps saying the rest of us are lying and mom is a good person and we should go back. I feel like I made everything up because I read a lot of noncon fic to try to punish myself. Every grounding technique I have tried has failed. Sorry, I know this is a lot. Any resources for female survivors of maternal incest? Or any advice at all? I feel so alone.

Hello,

I’ll separate this into parts to hopefully help with converting clear information. 

Denial, believing it’s fake. 

Fake memories, or just “made up” memories do not happen commonly,  [information here The False Memory Myth & Memory Repression].  there is nothing wrong with feeling that way however, self-denial and downplaying of our one trauma is really common. 

Having “denial of parts/alters” is really common. I personally have DID as well and we have alters who deny our abuse, blame our abuse or have a deep attachment to our abusers. That is so normal! You are not alone, In this struggle. If you have any internal communication you can talk to the other alters who share this trauma for support these internal connection are god for recovery. 

If you have the stability or any parts wh are good at working with there might also am them why they feel the need to defend the mother. communicating can also help ease your feeling of overwhelming and denial. 

One key way to help with downplaying of abuse is to imagine a friend came to you and told you what happened to you happened to them. And think about what you would tell them, I bet it’s not. “it wasn’t bad” or “well other people got it worse”. 

When you have worked out the kind of compassionate language, start picture the little girl inside you who went through the trauma. This can include talking to some of your young alters if you have any communication methods with them. Sometimes pulling them forward through focusing on your internal child might happen and sometimes those with DID can access the internal child through more basic IFS (internal family system) and Part Work methods. And offer them compassion for what they are going through. 

Shame

When you find thoughts of shame start to spiral, not the thoughts and the feelings in your body. But then take a long breath and work to not identify with that thought. The emotion and thoughts exist but you don’t have t push yourself to think about it r feel it. Picture the emotion and try and let it pass.

Working towards self neutrality is also a good goal. Refraimging the language you use to talk about yourself, and in your case, your alters, to something that lacks overly negative connotation ill help change the schemas of shame.  Coping Skills: Ditch Value judgments

Those words of compassion we talked about early when you find yourself starting to feel so down on yourself and shameful try saying these words to yourself. Along with some positive self aspirational mantras, you can help start to reshape the patterns your neurology follows. You won’t believe them at first but saying these will help with healing. 

Practising good self-care can be super important. When we can treat our body with honesty and respect that helps shape our internal sense of being respected and being care for. It’s also just good for general depression and health. [Coping Skills Masterposts: Self-Care]

I know how hard things like showers can be but starting with just tooth brushing and face washing can be important. If brushing of teeth is a trigger I suggest buying a smaller toothbrush like a kids size and changing toothpaste to one tat either foams less, is another colour or if the taste carries. Using baby whips or a wet cloth to areas like the groin, armpits, under breasts and behind knees would be another important step towards overall health. 

Keeping the living space as neat as possible also counteracts feelings of overwhelming shame and self-esteem issues.

The use of sexual material to cope

When we struggling to deal our tendency to self-harm is very common as it’s a maladaptive attempt to cope. Using the stories as a way to in your words punish is a form of self-injurious behaviour. Factors like lack of regulation, compulsive behaviour, intrusive thoughts and being manipulated by users to believing this is a reaction to perceived threats. [Coping Skills: Combating Self-Harm Urges]

This doesn’t invalidate abuse as having been abused is not contingent in never interacting with sexual content, up to and including having sex, afterwards. CSA often predates other unhealthy sexual behaviours as a reaction to our sexual traumas. No way our trauma reactions show mean our abuse didn’t happen or didn’t hurt us deeply. 

Coping Skills

 It makes sense a lot of the mainstream grounding is hard and lack effectiveness. Much of the meditative type skills intensify dissociation. We also often struggle with our automatic nervous systems being even more fractured than those with PTSD. Our neurological behaviour will also be more likely to take any stress or confusion and push us to dissociate. Visualization also tends to work poorly for many of us with dissociative disorders for the same issue of a tendency to dissociate. Focusing on a singular self to ground into can also become hard for us too and trigger depersonalization. 

If there are skills you liked in theory and didn’t have direct negative effects it might be worth trying them again. I do understand the frustration I really really do but it can be worth it. especially as you learn what coping skills can work with different somatic sensations and cognitive distortions. 

I would suggest using some of the most basic coping methods of deep breathing. I would guess this already takes a lot of brainpower as even basic things like breathing regularly can be hard for those who have extreme dissociation. So it takes a huge amount of practice for us and time for it to be effective but it’s so very important. 

I would suggest still trying to practice focusing on our body sensations even if we don’t add the subsequent suggestions for grounding. Knowing what sensations tend to present themselves when certain stimuli and thoughts are present is really important for coping. It can be true that the coping skill you are working at isn’t addressing where you are. For examples, our nervous system can be in hyperarousal but many grounding skills counteract hyperarousal. So try and look for engagement over relaxation or visa versus.

I am a big believer in the body-mind connection and import of the brain-body connection and coping that is body focused. Cogntive skills like thought stopping and replacing can be truly helpful in the short term for trauma survivors.   

Talk to your alters as well, coping can be influenced by the emotions land somatic states trauma we are carrying along with the ones within our consciousness. They might also just have opinions on what you ought to do. This can be done internally or through other means like writing notes. 

Mother-daughter incest

I have found very little survivor orientated material that could be helpful, I found mostly news sources about how it exists and academic texts.  

If any of our community knows of survivor focused materials for survivors of mother-daughter incest please reply or submit them. 

We do have a discord that you could join and we have an incest support channel we are still growing the members of the server but it might be a place to have peer support. 

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2