#and i love acting but. basically it's been very very difficult this year - more than any other

[zahri-melitor]

One of the many tragedies of Jack Drake is that not only was he bad at being a parent, but that he had the perfect person to discuss how hard the experience was for him right there and yet the only conversation they ever have about parenting Tim is conducted at gunpoint.

Because look at Jack Drake. As far as he was concerned, he had everything under control until Janet died and his world fell apart.

Tim was a Good Kid™ as a kid. He was well behaved and polite and not a difficult child and that's obvious from the fact that many of his memories of his parents together are of being taken out in public. Jack and Janet had one kid and they clearly wanted that kid to enjoy the same things they did, so they took him with them to restaurants and museums and art galleries and the opera. And he enjoyed it and enjoyed that time with them.

Jack however clearly saw his role as a father and a husband in the very traditional position as the main provider. It was his job to work and bring in the income that supported their lifestyle (his depressive episode after losing the company and their having to move makes it very clear how much of his self-worth was tied up in that role). He had a son, but his time with Tim was pretty clearly about taking Tim out with him on a Saturday afternoon to watch sport, or play tennis with his friends, or go to the monster trucks, or go fishing: being able to spend a few hours with Tim and show him off to his friends and then return home and someone else took over looking after Tim. And in his mind, he clearly thought he was a good parent! He spent time with his son! His son was a credit who was worth showing off! He could take Tim with him when he and Janet went out for the evening, and Tim could be relied upon to behave. He was winning at being a father!

The part Jack never realised, of course, was that like many men in his position, he'd handed the day to day logistics of raising a kid over to his wife (Janet) and to people he paid to do it for him (Tim's boarding school). He wasn't the disciplinarian parent. He was the 'fun' parent, who got to have the good times with his child.

If Jack was ever actually involved in decisions about discipline and consequences of actions, it was probably at the ultimate stage: the 'wait til your father gets home' sort of threat. The nuclear option. He didn't handle the everyday stuff - he probably never SAW the everyday stuff.

So, Jack thinks he's a great parent. He can brag to his friends about how well behaved HIS child is, unlike those little ruffians you see screaming in public or whose parents can't take them anywhere because they're disruptive.

Then his world falls apart. He's injured and disabled and grieving. He's a single dad. And the kid he's got is suddenly not the child he remembers. Tim frequently acts out, lies, runs away and comes home with bruises and notes from school saying they’re worried something is going on. He also starts dating and possibly trying to have sex ‘too young’ (being caught with Ariana sleeping over and the couch situation, Steph being pregnant even if Tim insisted it wasn't his).

Jack Drake has to suddenly step up to be the main parent of a 14 year old who he's probably never had that dynamic with. He doesn't have the years of experience in how Tim reacts to various forms of boundaries and punishments, because he's never been the one who set them or enforced them. He's probably never sat down and talked to Tim about his feelings in his life. And Tim, I repeat, is fourteen years old, possibly one of the most difficult ages for a kid. Everyone's 14 year olds are suddenly more difficult than usual and pushing boundaries.

On top of that, he's got to learn this all on the fly, in circumstances where he basically has no support. "Help, I'm a new single father to a teenager' isn't really a genre of self help book or parenting group that gets a lot of love - most people who are single parents aren't men, and most people looking for advice on dealing with problems with raising their kids are talking about under-5s, because by the time kids are out of the toddler stage most parents have a reasonable idea of what works and what doesn't, have networks set up, and are usually reaching out for a bit of advice or support about a specific situation, not Dealing With It All.

What Jack really needs is a buddy or two who are also single fathers to teenage boys, who have experience navigating this, maybe who also acquired responsibility for their son in his teen years. Wow. I mean that's a big ask, but funnily enough, there's someone who lives right next door who exactly fits that description...

(The tragedy that Bruce and Jack only ever have the one discussion about parenting Tim, the kid they've been effectively co-parenting since Tim was 13 years old, and that that discussion took place with Jack holding a gun on Bruce).

So of course Jack is terrible at being a parent to Tim. He's inexperienced, he doesn't have any support, he doesn't SEEK support outside of marrying Dana (and Dana clearly while lovely is both ineffective and reluctant to interfere in Jack and Tim's relationship). Now, he fails on very specific axes, in ways that are both understandable and also signs that Jack has a bad handle on his temper.

His go-to threat is sending Tim back to boarding school, because: when Tim was at boarding school, Jack didn't have any discipline issues with Tim! It clearly worked!; Tim doesn't want to go back to boarding school, making it a threat to hold over him; again, Jack's seeing a kid who is sneaking around, lying, running away and he's at his wits end - there's a narrative in the circles he lives in that such kids DO need to be taught to behave and sending them to boarding school is a way to do that.

He runs hot and cold on paying attention to Tim because up until Tim was 14 that was...what he did! And it wasn't such an issue then, as he wasn't a single parent. And when he pays attention, he does tend to be focused (laser focused, in fact), in getting Tim out of No Man's Land, of the dramas at school during Cry of the Huntress when Jack's getting outraged over Tim's bruises and getting into fights, when he's arguing with Ariana's uncle over whether Tim and Ariana's relationship was going too far.

It's just that he never developed the day to day, in between level of parenting and boundary setting and discipline. He's got a temper, and he swings between "it'll be fine, Tim's a smart kid, I trust him" laid back permissiveness, and getting mad and going immediately to the nuclear option: "You are going back to boarding school!" and so on.

He doesn't know how to walk away and calm himself down when he's worked up. He's not particularly good at redirecting his aggression. And he gets easily frustrated, because in his mind everything went smoothly for years...until it was all his responsibility.

And the thing is, there are so many ways Jack could have tried harder to be a good parent, that were available to him. But because of his background and the culture he lived in and the demands of storytelling he never reached out for any of them.

(And Bruce was right there! They knew each other socially! Everyone knew Bruce had worked through having two teenage sons on his own! He could have asked for advice, and he even knew Bruce knew Tim, given Bruce had officially fostered Tim while Jack was in a coma and in hospital. If you were putting together a specific support group you'd kick yourself over how perfect this was)

It's just such a part of the tragedy of Jack Drake.

[cutielando]

Hello love, how is everything going?🫂

I'm the one from the Jay in the truck fic, which was amazing, you made someone very happy today (someone is me)😚🩷

If you have time you could write one where Jay dates the reader but he is a few years younger than him, but he's so proud to have met a girl like her, maybe someone on the team makes playful comments about it because he is tough in part but it is as if he was always so soft with her that they come to not know him. maybe they even see a couple of hickeys on him but he looks proud because he is LITERALLY so in love that he kisses the ground where she steps and he loves that they know he has a girl, a little pretentious about it🤭

Maybe also after a difficult case he looks for her because she is his safe space.🫶🏼🥹

This is a bit messy but I'm not good at putting ideas together, I apologize, also english is not my first language in case this is something difficult to understand.🥹🫶🏼

Also sorry that there are so many haha you can take them if you want or just let them pass if you don't feel comfortable, sending you love!💌

comfort person | j.h.

my masterlist

Jay couldn't believe his luck, in all honesty.

Ever since he could remember, his luck when it came to love and personal relationships was close to being non-existent. His relationship history was excellent proof of that.

But everything seemed to change for the better when he met you.

You had met in a bar, out of all places. Hit it off right away, chatted over a drink, promised to stay in touch.

And oh boy, had you stayed in touch.

You were wary of hanging out with Jay at first, mainly because of the dangers of his job (that he sometimes reminded you of) and because of the age difference.

5 years was not that much, if you were being realistic, but it was still something. You were afraid that you wouldn’t be the woman he was looking for, maybe his expectations in life didn’t align with yours.

Thankfully, you were very wrong about that.

And so, you found yourself together, 1 year later, happier and more in love than ever. Much to the joy of his team, who made it their mission to tease the fuck out of Jay every single day at the precinct.

Especially when they would notice certain marks on his neck after a wild night in bed.

Such an instance was right after the team had finished a very hard case involving a child kidnapping. When Jay got home, you could tell he was absolutely hammered and needed to unwind, so you did the thing you knew would help him out.

The next morning at the precinct, you went with him to say hi to the team, but you got teased instead.

“Woah, did an animal attack you last night?” Adam asked Jay as soon as he got a good look at his colleague.

Jay furrowed his eyebrows, while you were trying to hide your blush in his bicep.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, checking his arms for any kind of marks.

Adam smirked and pointed to his neck, which immediately made your boyfriend realize what he was talking about.

Even though you couldn’t see it because you were hiding your face into his arm, you could tell Jay was blushing furiously while being teased by his close friend.

“Don’t you dare say a word” Jay threatened Adam, who could only laugh at the situation between the two of you.

“I’m gonna go now” you murmured to Jay, quickly standing on your tiptoes to peck his cheek before basically running out of the precinct.

Jay could only blame Adam for your quick departure, much faster than what he had been hoping.

“She certainly keeps you active” Ruzek said once he came back from their break room with a cup of coffee.

“Shut up, Ruz. You’re just jealous you’re not getting any” Jay commented, making Adam act offended.

"I'm just saying, she's sure keeping you busy and fit" Adam continued, giving Jay a sly smile.

"She makes me happy" Jay confessed, smiling to himself when he thought about you and your relationship.

The conversation died with that, a new case putting a pause on Jay's thoughts about you for the time being.

Jay hadn't expected the case to be as rough as it was, and he felt awful by the time he got home to you. He was tired, his limbs were sore and his heart ached. The only thing he wanted in that moment was the sole comfort of your presence, your comforting hugs and just quality time spent away from his job.

When you heard the keys in the lock, you excitedly ran to the front door to welcome him, but your smile was instantly wiped off your face when you saw just how broken and tired he was.

"Rough day?" you asked as you cautiously watched him taking off his shoes and hanging his coat on the hanger.

"Yeah, got a tough care after you came home" he sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before going into the bedroom, placing his gun and badge into his safe before coming back out and joining you on the couch.

He melted into the soft couch, his hand finding yours instantly. You felt for him, not even wanting to imagine how tough his job must get on the hard days, like this one.

You moved Jay's head off the back of the couch and maneuvered him until he was resting his head into your lap, your fingers softly running through his soft hair.

"You want to talk about it?" you asked softly, careful not to disturb the serene atmosphere that had settled between the two of you.

His eyes opened and looked at you, dozens of emotions swimming behind his irises. The only thoughts that occupied his head were how lucky he was to have you, how cared for he was and how much he loved you. He cherished you more than you could ever know, especially in moments like this one, when he is reminded of just how grateful he should be for the life he has.

"I love you" he whispered softly, making you smile at him and lean down to peck his lips, your free hand caressing the side of his face softly.

"I love you more" you whispered back, licking your lips.

And so, the entire evening was spent exactly like that, whispering love confessions to each other like they were a secret to the entire world.

But you loved every second of it.

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[lenaswritingandstuff]

Dating Barty Crouch Jr ◼ HEADCANONS

Requested: No

Characters: Barty Crouch Jr. (+ y/n)

Warnings: NSFW mentions, English is not my first language

A/N: Oh my sweet Barty. I think I'll write a one-shot based on these headcanons one day. This will include also the pre-dating stage as well. SORRY FOR THE TYPOS. Comments and feedback are always appreciated. Enjoy! ^^

Tag list: @helendeath @im-jesus @wolfyychan @blocked-zombieartist

At first you guys were great friends, but you secretly had a crush on his best friend Evan, who you were also great friend with

And, unbeknownst to you, Barty had been in love with you for years

But after his best friend somehow broke your heart, Barty was there for you

He would discreetly hold you hand or have an affectionate gesture when Evan and his girlfriend would be there together, and also in public 

He would spent most of his time with you - as Evan has now become insufferable - doing homework, studying, reading or just talking

Every time he goes to Hogsmeade he brings back your favourite sweets or a gift

The more time you guys spend together, the closer you grow, and you realise Barty is even more awesome than you thought he was 

He truly is the kindest, and sweetest boy ever 

Little by little, you’re less affected by Evan’s relationship thanks to Barty’s presence and support

You know he has a difficult relationship with his father, so during holidays, you accept to spend half of the holidays at his house, and the rest at your horse

And you constantly tell him that it’s not his fault that his father acts like that

He gets along so well with your parents, they adore him and basically ship you guys 

That’s when he stays at your house that you first share a bed, and sleep while holding each other

And, without you realising it, it happens every night after

You also start to cuddle in the morning, and after class 

He gives you nicknames, like “sweetheart” or “love” 

And sometimes put his arms around you

Once you’ve completely forgotten about Evan, you wonder why you didn’t realise that Barty was right here the whole time 

You realise one day that Barty is now the most important person in your life

One day, you get drunk at a party and accidentally kiss him, and, despite not wanting to take advantage of you, Barty can’t help but kiss you back

The day after, Barty thinks you don’t remember the kiss, but you do. You’re embarrassed about it, but you soon realise the kiss was an expression of your growing feelings for him

But the difference is, you loved an idea of Evan, while you love Barty for who he is

But after a while, when Evan breaks up with his girlfriend, he tries to get closer to you, but you put boundaries 

But while you know you love Barty, you can’t help but be scared he won’t return your feelings and you’ll end up hurt again

BUT when Evan confronts you and Barty about what’s going on between the two of you, an argument between them follows, and Barty ends up screaming that he loves you

Once Evan leaves, you tell Barty you love him too and he kisses you - telling you he’s been craving to kiss you again 

You guys naturally start dating afterwards, and the first night together is spent kissing, cuddling and enjoying each other’s embrace

Everyone is surprised to learn you two are a couple - Evan more than the others, and he’s actually pissed - but they’re happy for you

Barty is the cutest boyfriend ever, like a labrador 

Totally fine with PDA, will always hold your hands or have an arm around your shoulder 

Overprotective 

He’s always kissing your cheek

Tries to make you laugh during lessons - succeeds most times

Will go anywhere and do any activity with you

Sex with him is a bit rough but still very romantic 

He loves praising you ( “Fuck, baby, you feel so good. So, so good”) - and has a praising kink

He LOVES fingering you

Jealous sex doesn’t really exist, but he will keep you up all night if he gets jealous

His aftercare is cuddling, kissing your temple while praising you, and a bath most of the time

Sex means a lot to him, and he’s so thankful you trust him enough to let him share that with you

Loves to shower with you - and most of the time it doesn’t even end up with sex 

Can’t start/finish his day without kissing you and telling you he loves you

He absolutely loves to sleep in your arms, with his head on your chest or belly and his arms around you

He also loves to put his head on your lap 

Deep down he’s very insecure, and is afraid you will leave for someone better 

Gets depressed when you’re mad at him

Gives you the best gifts on your birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas 

Since his father probably works on Christmas day, you invite him and his mother to your hose to celebrate it, and it’s the best Christmas ever

He loves how you get along with her 

Won’t probably join the Death Eaters because he doesn’t want to disappoint you, and doesn’t want to put you in danger

But if he does, he’ll do everything he can to hide it from you - and screams your name while in prison

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[absolutebl]

TOP 10 BL Trends of 2023

This is just me with my analysis hat on. 

1. 2023 = the year EVERYONE went outside their lanes

Everything went topsy-turvy this year in BL. 

For example, Korea gave us agonized yearning and outright queerness (The 8th Sense, The New Employee) while Japan served up soft office workers and tender family (Our Dining Table). 

The BL world went askew for a while, especially in the spring of 2023. 

Not that we still didn’t still get Korea’s soft angsty bubbles or Japan’s “what are you doing and why does it hurt?” kink-fests. But there were quite a few BLs that made us chronic watchers sit up in confusion and wonder if Korea was dabbling in Taiwan’s territory or Japan in Thailand’s. Then they fudged the kisses and we were like... okay, back in familiar territory. 

In contrast, Thailand stayed course-correcting for the damage they’ve done in the past with tropes (2022) and self referential meta criticism (2021), but also almost aggressively returned to their BL roots after last year’s series of shockers. Certainly, they are reexamining those roots, transplanting some, aerating others. But they really went back to classic Thai university and high school BL and pulps in a big way in 2023. 

Taiwan is always difficult to gage because they produce so few but they seem to have stuck with what they do best with no deviation while producing more this year than they have in ages. I’m happy for that, why change a good thing? But there is a tiny part of me that really wants them to hit it out of the part with a quality piece soon. For me, We Best Love still reigns supreme, but I would really like the HIStory franchise to give us that level but longer - like a happy version of Your Name Engraved Herein. I think Taiwan has the chops to give us something as good as The 8th Sense or Old Fashion Cupcake but in their style, and I would like to see them exercise their talent for good rather than just profit. 

I know, what a very odd thing for me to say. But if any BL is going to break into the mainstream American market, I genuinely think it’s most likely come from Taiwan. 

Vietnam and the Philippines are falling behind, in general. They just didn’t bring out very many shows in 2023, and what the brought out tended to fub the endings. This is forgivable in Japan (because of their style and quality) but not what watchers want in the lower production value propositions. In other words, if you do a pulp, you can’t mess up the ending (by romance standards). that doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon. 

2. The Office Romance Dominated

After years of Thailand serving us an endless (and slightly bland) buffet of university (and a few high school) BLs, this year Korea was basically like...

Ofiice. We like the Office. It’s cheap to film we can use grown up actors, acting (mostly) their actual age. 

And yeah... it totally worked. 

To be fair, Japan has always given us office live action yaoi from the beginning (they had the source material) but this year everyone else, including Thailand, seriously started playing in this setting. 

3. Boys Danced with Boys

The darling @heretherebedork​ was a big fan of this one, and I rather like it myself. Prior to this boys dancing together was very very rare in BL, but this year we got way more than our fair share. It was lovely. 

Never Let me Go

My School President 

Bed Friend 

The Day I Loved You 

Step by Step

Be Mine Superstar

Tie the Not 

Dangerous Romance

I think there were a few more. These are the ones I remembered to write down. 

4. Getting (even more) Meta With Tropes 

BL has been getting more and more meta over the past few years but this year they really focused in on tropes specifically. Calling out their own biggest and most favorite tropes in a massive way, especially Thailand and especially GMMTV. 

Like they tunneled in on damaging tropes with Bad Buddy and the like over the past 2 years, and now they are just having fun with us. 

I mean they just started the dancing trope and already they are calling it out? That’s like rapid-fire regurgitated meta there, GMMTV. 

5. Cameos are the norm now 

Taiwan has always loved cameos but in the past the other countries have been show and steady with only one or two a year. (Unless Japan does a parody.) 

This year Korea got in on the game.

Korea rarely starts trends but they do adopt smaller and lesser known existing ones and make them super popular. 

This year they did that with cameo couple appearances, even borrowing a few of Thailand’s pairs (TutorYim and MaxNat traveled north). They did it so much I stopped tracking. Love Class 2, Why R U?, and Jun & Jun were the heaviest hitters. 

Taiwan, of course, came back swinging. Kiseki was the gum-ball machine of pair cameos. (In Taiwan mafia = gay.) 

6. We are entering the cross pollination age

The number of remakes picked up or started this year was startling, not just countries revisiting their own content (Thailand, Japan) but countries revisiting OTHER countries stuff.

Lemme explain...

Korea has started remaking Thai content (Why R U?) alongside cameo'ing Thai pairs.

Thailand is doing Korean IP (My Dear Gagster Oppa) and has 2 Chinese ones slated for next year. 

GMMTV acquired a lot of Japanese IP (Cherry Magic, Ossen, and My Love Mix Up) - and then had problems distributing it. 

This is probably the most surprising trend for me. Especially the Japanese stuff. I would have thought these properties well outside of Thailand's price range (even GMMTV's) not to mention Japan’s legendary IP issues (I swear I typed this pout before the pulled TayNew’s excellent Cherry Magic). 

Also why not option some of the older popular manga instead? Bet that's much cheeper. (I did see a NEW Thai translation of Finder into Thai, which is 90s yaoi, so I have my fingers crossed on that front.)

I shouldn't be too surprised. 

Thailand is running out of y-novel content. Their publication industry is just not robust enough (I was just talking to a friend about this at length recently). But I didn't think they had the funds to option, especially from Japan. 

Perhaps the option deals are for peanuts?

7. Korea got cheeky

I’m not sure quite how else to put this. 

After finally figuring out boys can kiss, Korea started to do not just higher heat but playful higher heat, with more aggressive word play and linguistic innuendo, like they are entering their racy rom-com teenage years (Why R U? Love Class 2 and Jun & Jun in particular.) 

I guess: Welcome to your BL teens, Korea? 

It’s cute of them. I am very much enjoying it. 

And now that comedy is warming them up, we get to see them play with actual queer burgeoning physicality in shows like The 8th Sense. 

It’s nice. I like seeing Korea stretch its wings. They still stick to their bubble, but that bubble seems to be expanding. 

8. The Amnesia Trope is back

And I, for one, would prefer to forget about it. 

9. BL got trendy 

I’m not quite sure how to articulate this category but basically we started seeing a lot of “modern” romance trends out of the west (like a/b/o) show up in our BL. Not a ton and sometimes quite small, but there has a been a steady rise of things like: no seme/uke, femme gay, out gay, condom use, messy gay. 

We also got an increasing range of sub genre frameworks (like mafia, office setting) that’s moved BL pretty firmly (even in Thailand) out of school and into the workplace, whether actual working is involved or not. 

It’s not to the point where it feels like we get more non-school BL than school BL (if I include all countries in this assessment).

Japan, in classic Japanese fashion, quietly started moving in the opposite direction. It’s what they do. 

10. The Vampires are coming 

This is an announcement trend, which I don’t usually report on but it’s so CLEAR. 

So last year we had a spate of announcements of possible Omegaverse (2 from China, 1 from Japan, 1 from Thailand - the only one that’s happened). 

This year we got 5 Vampire (or vampire-esk) Thai BLs announced including one from GMMTV. 

Whether all 5 will actually get made is unlikely, but having had (basically) none prior to this (Kissable Lips), I’m pretty confident that we will get at least 2 of them. And I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one other country made one as well. (Side eyes Taiwan with interest.) 

Final thoughts

It feels like we are also seeing a decline in BL (both by quantity and quality) from Vietnam and the Philippines. As you all know, I don’t track or really watch either of these two very closely. But it feels like, now, no one else is either. 

I think we have likely seen the BL heyday already in both places and their industries are now on the decline. 

We might be witnessing a thinning in the players in the BL field. 

FYI we had approximately 

136 BLs in 2023

Previous Years

2022: 117

2021: 95

2020: 62

2019: 40

2018: 30 

2017: 44 (China’s last gasp)

2016: 27

2015: 17 (50% micro)

2014: 17 (50% micro)

And that’s it! Let me know in the comments if you’ve spotted any additional trends you want to call out.

Last year, 2022′s trend report

2021′s Trend report

Last Year’s Stats & Predictions

(source) 

[ryuichirou]

I really love the lengthy analysis you wrote about Vil and Jamil in the past! Do you have anything similar to say about Riddle, if you haven't already? Or maybe about Riddle and Trey, if you're more comfortable with talking about relationships between characters.

Dear Anon, I am very happy you liked my analysis of these two! It’s been a while, I even forgot that I wrote it, so it’s insanely nice to hear that someone still reads these posts and enjoys them. As you might have already noticed (it seems to be my mission to keep repeating it to make sure no one ever forgets about it), I am not as speedy with my replies as I used to be, so this reply is long overdue. But I always have stuff to say about these boys, and Riddle very interesting and very dear to me as the boy who introduced us to how broken these boys are and how interestingly TWST plays with the theme of trauma.

We don’t post about him very often, but I like Riddle a lot. I think out of all of the housewardens he has the biggest vibe of a broken kid hidden behind his strong facade. I guess this is my way of saying that Riddle is the most childish out of all of them lol It shows not only in his tantrums (Ace compared him to a baby for a reason), but also in how obviously excited he gets when he sees anything that is fun; it’s like his inner kid reacts before Riddle composes himself and acts like he isn’t interested. We’ve seen a bunch of moments like this, I think. In a way, all of the overblot boys didn’t get to live through their childhood in a “normal” way, but Riddle expresses it in a very obvious way.

But it’s not only about cakes and games: Riddle is very immature emotionally too, and it’s hard to blame him for that, because let’s be honest: this is the first time Riddle deals with people. Isolation is a difficult thing to come back from, and if you shove a heavily sheltered boy into an high school/college and put him in a position of housewarden, of course he’s going to act like a little dictator: this is the only way to assert authority he’s ever seen. And since Riddle himself is a good kid (i.e. a kid who is terribly afraid of making his mother angry) and doesn’t misbehave, he is completely unequipped of dealing with a whole dorm of teenagers who aren’t very good or excited to live by the Queen’s Rules. Even those who don’t want to cause trouble can’t remember all of them, they’re basically written in a way that are meant to sabotage you, but Riddle would never acknowledge that: if he learned them, others must too, otherwise they just didn’t try enough. But they just won’t listen, and Riddle gets frustrated instantly: it’s them who are unreasonable, not him!

Of course it is a metaphor and an exaggeration, but I think Riddle portrays a very real thing that a lot of us have either seen or experienced. His standards for himself aren’t just high, they’re absolutely unreasonable, but this is his entire reality and he can’t even see that this isn’t how things are for the rest of the world. He’s like a little goldfish (lol) who lived in a tiny aquarium for its entire life and then got transferred into an ocean without any kind of adaptation or even a quarantine. Riddle is already a second year, but I think the shock of everything around him still hasn’t gone away completely, partially because Riddle spends a lot of time stubbornly ignoring the feeling that he is the one in the wrong. If he is wrong, than mother is also wrong, and that can’t be – this is the only thing he is sure of.

You know, there are some people who really enjoy having a system of rules in their head, or rather principles, and it gives them a very valuable and helpful structure (even if that system of rules/principles isn’t perfect and backfires sometimes). Vil is that kind of person, Sebek is that kind of person... Riddle isn’t. I genuinely think Riddle is the type of person who would enjoy living without a set of rules, but with basic logic to help him navigate the world; does that make sense? Anyways, unfortunately, Riddle can’t live without a manual: he never learned how to. We see it both in his book and in book 6, when he shocks Azul over and over again by just how rigid he is.

Speaking of which, I love that Riddle didn’t have a 180 degree turn after his book. Of course, it’s partially because we have to keep the status quo intact a little bit, and he wouldn’t be the personification of the Queen if he didn’t have his rules; but I also think this is very true to life. Just like the boys said at the end of the book 1, you don’t have to change everything at ones, taking baby steps is okay.

But taking baby steps also means that you will keep bumping into issues and conflicts, which is crucial for growth, but also could make Azul fucking Ashengrotto say that he will beat the shit out of you if you won’t shut up lol

Their entire dynamic in book 6 was very good. Both Azul and Riddle are horribly stubborn, obsessive freaks, but for entirely different reasons and in very different ways. And both of them have their guard up, but interestingly? I think Riddle is better at trusting people and being genuine about his feelings or thoughts about them than Azul. Maybe he’s made a better progress than Azul in that sense, maybe he’s always been better, but this is what I mean: Riddle doesn’t mind genuinely complimenting Azul for his achievements, and a lot of time he didn’t even mean to offend Azul with his remarks. To Azul, however, every compliment is given with a reason and every snarky comment is given to metaphorically push someone down the stairs. Both of them have a lot to learn though lol but it’s fun to see them working through this misunderstanding and actually working together.

You asked about Trey; and honestly, even though we kind of liked him from the beginning, we didn’t think much about him (mostly because we met the rest of the characters whom we were very excited about). But the more I think about Trey, the more I get amused by how much of a dark horse he is. I feel like Trey’s forced neutrality and desire to stay “hidden” from any kind of event or conflict or attention at all is interesting: it’s subtle, but it’s definitely there. He has this inoffensive image of a good and caring older brother type, and it’s true that he is caring and supportive, but it’s also isn’t entirely out of his desire to do good things. I’m not saying that he is an asshole, but he isn’t like Silver or Kalim, if that makes sense, he doesn’t have this hero-like desire for everyone to be happy or to protect the weak no matter what and to help out everyone: whether Trey wants to admit it or not, he has his priorities. And I feel like Trey doesn’t even want to necessarily be “the good guy”, he really just wants to be “the normal guy”, and sometimes “the normal guy people could rely on”.

What I wanted to say by that is that Riddle is Trey’s main priority no matter what. I’m stating the obvious, but this is why he didn’t protect Ace and Deuce (who were in Heartslabyul for less than a week) from him, this is why he kept asking everyone to just be patient with Riddle and to tolerate the way he treats everyone. Because it was more important for him to protect Riddle and to avoid him feeling like he does the wrong thing.

And while it’s partially due to Trey’s personality and his relationship with Riddle, I feel like Trey is also kind of traumatised by what happened back then. Not to the degree that Riddle is traumatised of course, but it’s probably tough for someone who’s always been a good kid to get yelled at by someone else’s mother for hours for doing something that you believe wasn’t even bad. I think Trey feels extremely guilty because he knows that whatever he felt, Riddle had it even worse. So it’s not surprising that he is terrified of hurting Riddle even more: every time he looks at the way he acts, he knows that it’s a result of him being abused. I’m stating the obvious here lol but I like that Trey is stuck in this “sorry, but I will keep hurting all of you because not hurting him is more important”.

We watched Ghost Marriage Event recently (haven’t seen the vignettes and voice lines yet) and I think it’s very interesting that it was kind of tied to the Trey/Riddle situation, which Ace even directly addressed. We even got Trey (and Cater too, to be fair) going yikes because he felt called out by what Ace was saying to Chubby about the way he treated Eliza. Even if you love someone, you can’t just let that person get away with hurting others. Even if you think it will keep them happy, it will never help them in a way you think it will. Riddle gets hurt by staying a tyrant that everyone despises, and Trey knows that he does, but doing that important step of stopping him and having a talk with him is too scary to even consider. This is why he needed that wakeup call from Ace of all people.

I guess that makes Ace more emotionally mature than Trey and Riddle both in a way lol

Anyways, I love their relationship a lot, and even though I’ve mostly been talking about the very basis of their relationship, I think there is a lot to explore with these two.

[hedwig221b]

HIIII can you list some of your favourite angst heart-wrenching sobbing sliding down the walls fics ? idc if it’s short or long i need some angst rnn please and thank uuu <3

Hi, sweetie! This was difficult for me, bc I'm a sucker for angst, basically all I read is angst and I have like 200 fics saved. Here's a looong list of the ones which I know for sure I can always come back to for some good old angst.

STEREK ANGST FIC RECS from HEDWIG221B

By Any Other Name by entanglednow

(Explicit, 33k, Amnesia, Violence)

He doesn't know his name, he doesn't know who he is, and neither does the werewolf he's on the run with. But he's pretty sure they hunt monsters, because they seem to be really good at it.

all roads they lead me here by spaceprincessem

(Teen, 39k, Mates, Emissary Stiles)

“Then why wouldn’t you be Derek’s emissary?” Stiles asked. He just wished Deaton would get to the fucking point. He was tired and he hated playing twenty questions to figure out what the older man was getting at.

“Derek’s emissary needs to be someone who he trusts completely,” Deaton explained, “and it’s time I passed on my wisdom and expertise to that person.”

The beat of silence between them stretched for too long before Stiles realized exactly who Deaton was talking about.

“Me?” He asked incredulously.

A Princely Knight by Dexterous_Sinistrous

(Mature, 25k, Medieval, Royalty, Pining)

He would stand by Stiles’ side, a constant shadow of protection until his death. A life for a life, one worth much more than an orphan turned thief turned royal guard could comprehend.

In truth, Derek saw the one person he would gladly give his life for, because Stiles made this world better.

~*~

Or, Stiles is a prince and Derek is his knight.

won't you torture someone else's sleep by redeyedwrath

(Gen, 3,6k, Pining)

I love you, Derek thinks, but he doesn’t say it, just watches Stiles throw his head back in laughter that isn’t for him and never will be. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Maybe if he thinks it hard enough, Stiles will hear him.

Wants & Needs by MadcapRomantic

(Explicit, 33k, ABO, Mating Run, Bad Peter)

Derek Hale has been participating in the Beacon Hills Mating Run for a decade, each year coming up without a mate. His mother, convinced this is his lucky year, persuades him to run one last time.

Enter Stiles, a young Omega with an unwanted Alpha nipping at his heels.

Family or not, Peter is determined to have Stiles.

But convinced they are True Mates, there isn't anything Derek won't do to keep Stiles safe.

To Whom The Wolf King Bows by MadcapRomantic

(Explicit, 108k, 14/?, Courting, Fantasy, Royalty)

Stiles Stilinski meets The Wolf King, the very boogeyman he'd spent his younger years terrified of; yet the man is little, if anything, like the tales he's heard. But, Stiles has spent the last ten years of his life as a slave, under the harsh whip of the cruel King Gerard Argent, and trusting Derek - trusting anyone - is beyond difficult.

xcaellachx

Just check out this author, there's some major angst in a lot of their works, a lot of ABO

Hung The Moon by nrnyx

(Explicit, 85k, ABO, Pack Dynamics, Heavy Angst)

Slowly Stiles got control of himself again. His heart calmed. His breathing evened out. The anger was gone. In its place, a bone-deep weariness settled. He couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t survive this.

A gift worth giving by Nival_Vixen

(Mature, 2k, Historical Fantasy, Royalty)

A person’s virginity is not only the physical act itself, but also an object that can be gifted to someone else. Stiles has given his virginity to Derek, one of the soldiers in the King’s Guard. Despite his parting promise to return the next month, Derek still hasn’t returned two months later, and Stiles doubts that he ever loved him at all.

The Bargain by dr_girlfriend

(Teen, 9,7k, Arranged Marriage, Regency AU)

Time drags on, and it becomes apparent that this is not a part of the tradition. The wolves start to shift on their feet and murmur, but no one attempts to speak to Stiles. He stands, feeling the back of his neck growing red from the sun and his face growing red from embarrassment.

What will happen if Derek Hale cannot be coerced to the altar? Will the bargain be revoked?

Perception by DiscontentedWinter

(Mature, 5,4k, Horror, Nogitsune, Murder)

Peter Hale's client is a murderous sociopath. The best thing Peter can do is get him committed to Eichen House, where he'll never see daylight again.

He thinks.

The Omega Spark by misteeirene

(Explicit, 62k, ABO, Alive Hales, Pack Dynamics)

John lived a sad and lonely life after the death of his wife, until one day when he noticed someone had breaking into his home while he was at work.

Second Chances by rootbeer

(Gen, 2,6k, Soulmates)

"A lot of times the ‘markings’ were common, simple things you said to strangers all the time. 'Excuse me'; 'thank you'; 'hello'. Some got extremely romantic things like 'it’s you isn’t it? I’ve been waiting for you' or 'Wow you’re really pretty'. And they were always the first words their soulmate would ever say to them.

Of course, having 'You are the fucking worst kind of person in the world' tattooed down your side, didn’t bode well. How fucked up was Stiles Stilinski that even his fucking Soulmate hated him? High School had been a special kind of hell when all the kids learned what his tattoo said—despite his best efforts to keep it a secret."

My Wolf by Dexterous_Sinistrous

(Teen, 7,6k, ABO, Full-shift werewolves, Pack Dynamics)

“If he wants to mate Stiles, why not let him?” Jackson asked, ready to part with Stiles if need be.

“Because if I did that, I’d be demoting Lydia,” Alpha Stilinski replied.

“We don’t even know how good of a Beta he is,” Lydia countered, bristling some that her status was being challenged.

“That’s because he’s not a Beta,” Alpha Stilinski stated. “He’s an Alpha.”

I Shouldn't Love you Anymore by wulfarchival (wyrmwolf)

(Mature, 2,2k, Established sterek, Feral Derek)

After Stiles divorces Derek under mysterious reasons, Derek moves out into the middle of nowhere loosing himself to the wolf after the ache in his chest becomes too much. But after weeks of being lost to an animal someone he thought he'd never see again returns in his life.

This time to stay forever.

Cut to the Bone by standinginanicedress

(Explicit, 112k, ABO, Secret Relationship)

“Not that it’s any of your god damn business, but my name is Stiles. Do you need something?”

The alpha grins. All teeth, shiny white, straight as an arrow. He’s got this sculpted perfection to him that Stiles is sure has worked on all the omegas he’s ever encountered before, but Stiles stands his ground and narrows his eyes. “A date.”

Stiles looks him up and down, slowly, from the black shoes on his feet, to his uniform khakis and blazer littered with pins, to his face. He frowns, makes a face, and says, “pass.”

Life After This by Nimpalous

(Mature, 5,1k, Violence, MCD, Soul Bond, I consider this having a HE)

Feeling his weight shift backwards over the ledge when another bullet hit, Stiles closed his eyes and whispered the name of his beloved as he fell.

“Derek…”

Derek woke up with an agonising scream, his body curling in on itself in pain. He wasn’t aware of having wolfed out, he didn’t know he was clawing himself as he clutched at his head, willing the agony to go away… but to no avail.

Daybreak by TheObsidianQuill

(Mature, 70k, Time Travel, Mates, ptsd!Stiles)

"There . . ." Stiles swallowed and looked down at the bottle in his grasp as he slowly swirled the amber liquid inside. "There's really nothing left. For me. Everyone is . . . gone, and it feels like I haven't thought of tomorrow in years." His words rang in the air like a gunshot, he took another heavy drink. "I would trade every last breath I take to just have another shot—not even a guarantee, just a chance to make things right and bring back even one of them."

The pack was gone. He had nothing left. He had no one. With nothing to lose, Stiles puts everything on the line to go back in time to try to prevent the future from becoming his past. Broken, guarded, and haunted by his past, only one overgrown-pup of a wolf seems able to get past his defenses. Changing the future? Easy. Finding a place for himself in the Hale Pack? Impossible.

It seems wasted now by DaaroMoltor

(Teen, 48k, Slow Burn, Miscommunication, Stiles is pushed out of the pack)

It's been months. Months of lonely days and lonelier nights.

And Stiles can't understand what he did wrong.

Under Glass by calrissian18

(Mature, 6,6k, Pining, Cursed Stiles)

The pack goes looking for a cursed artifact. Stiles would really like to go back to the time before he found it, thanks.

Time To Say Goodbye by matildajones

(Teen, 34k, Time Travel, Mates, HE)

Derek finds an older version of himself at his front door, along with Stiles, a boy from the future.

Emissary by dragon_temeraire

(Teen, 3,7k, Alive Hales, Bonding)

To keep the peace, Stiles agrees to be emissary to the Hale pack.

One Thread by RurouniHime

(Mature, 11k, Established sterek, Grief, HE)

In the middle of the night, his dad comes into the room and crawls onto the bed behind him, easing Stiles into the vee of his legs. He settles back against the headboard with a groan and doesn’t say anything for a long time. Stiles wraps his arms around one of his dad’s legs, presses his cheek to warm flannel, and tries to be still.

“Oh, kid,” his dad exhales. His hand comes down on the side of Stiles’ neck and his fingers press gently. “I never wanted you to know this pain.”

(Or, Derek dies. Stiles reacts Badly.)

[mariamariquinha]

Bossa Nova (Benny 'Borracho' Magalon x f!reader) - Ten

Nine | Eleven

Summary: Benny's pov (my boy is so stressed).

Word count: 7.482.

Warnings: Bad words, slightly talks about cop corruption, violence, crime, talks about mental/physical health, mention of use of pills, hospital environment and police work.

Author’s Note: I like my men like how I visualize myself: stressed and in need of a fucking break.

I'm also on AO3 now!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Join my taglist! Don’t forget to reblog, comment and like! As always, I would love to know what you’re all thinking! ❤

****

If someone asked any woman who was involved with Benny at some point in their life about him, there would always be a universal phrase: he's complicated. Not 'complicated' in a 'he has a difficult and unstable life' way, because he did, but in a 'he hasn't known how to be a nice guy for a long time' way. 

Daddy issues. Classic. 

He was committed to the Major Crimes guys, especially Nick, because there was a part of him that hated to disappoint. Aside from ego or personal compensation, Benny saw a lot of his own father in Big Nick, so despite the two being almost the same age, the position of power gave O'Brien a very complex image of a patriarch – flaws and all. When Debbie left, it was clear that Nick would follow the same path as that father, with the difference that he would at least try to spend weekends with the children; Benny wouldn't be able to recognize what the 'head of his family' should be if he had to. 

It had been years since he was just Benicio Ramirez Magalon and not Benicio Ramirez Garcia Magalon, as if he erased every particle of his father from his own history in an arbitrary way, but still having that ghost on his shoulders with O’Brien. 

He didn't think much that night, but he knew it would be natural for him to walk away. It must have been the most genuinely decent thing Benny did for any woman under those circumstances. Maybe it was the fact that you knew how to set limits, that you recognized your weaknesses with an ease that Benny couldn't.

In conclusion, he was disappointed to not find you more resilient than finding out Nick slept with informants, which soon enough he caught himself being a fucking asshole. Maybe that's why, because of this lack of cynicism on your part and the excess of the same feeling on his part, Benny concluded that you were destined for good guys. Some who, at least, didn't make the decisions he made.

****

“And we have a fireplace.”

Yeah, indeed, they had a fireplace – one that was basically turning into dust. You stood there with your arms crossed, letting your mother inspect the apartment and make comments about it. While she and the realtor (a small woman named Eidra) went back to one of the bedrooms, you sat on the small bench left behind on the miniscule living room by the last residents, watching your father look through the window.

When you two shared a glance, the answer was all over the place: a huge and big and extreme and frustrated and disappointed no.

****

Listen, it could always get worse. That was life, you know? And you should know better than to expect that the divorce and the whole Isla stuff would pass by you. Well, it passed through you. With a delay, but still. 

Some of this was your fault, you could admit. Your brother had already advised you to negotiate the sale of the house as soon as the divorce procedures were in progress and you were so catatonic, in a way, that you didn't want to add more to what already seemed too complicated. After months, you found the buyers – good price, you made a profit. 

During Christmas, you ended up tripping over the closed moving boxes and spraining your foot, so on New Year's Eve you didn’t enjoy the trip as much as you could. A bad start to the year, but not the worst thing that happened to you in a long time. 

They were organizing a farewell party for Emma; by March, she would be at DEA headquarters leading their forensic team. You had to act surprised, and politely refused to help with the details ('I'm busy with this moving thing'), which she probably took as a bitter departure. Well, it was what it seemed to be. You didn’t call her off with that, but some part of you was feeling that pit of disgust. There was a murmur about whether or not to invite Major Crimes (even though they never attended that kind of thing), which everyone ended up looking at you for clarification. You didn't know, and that's what you said, accompanied by a modest shrug of the shoulders.

“Send an invitation by email, it's less work if they say no.”

Even because you had time to rethink the unfortunate occasions with O'Brien. You felt offended but you also felt guilty, which was a rather cruel conclusion that Nick was indirectly manipulating you. When you told Gina this, she just gave a genuine shrug and sighed.

“It isn’t like he wasn’t that kind of person before, you know.”

You felt bad – you felt used again. Doubted, discredited. And the fact that you thought you wouldn't care if it happened, that you would be as strong as you had been through the divorce, just showed that you had an ability to lie to yourself. Benny left that night and you knew he had the same realization too; you found yourself believing that the opinion of someone who still followed such strict orders from someone like Nick had no opinion value in your life.

You no longer fit into LASD.

****

“You have insomnia and lack of nutrients. I'll prescribe you some pills and vitamins for both, but I need you to pump the brakes. Burnout has been killing people lately.”

Perhaps, deep down, you knew that this distancing also came with your need to hide that your physical health had worsened. It wasn't that bad, but you had barely been eating and… yeah, you really didn't need another surprise with so much going on.

The doctor pondered something, eyeing the papers and you with a serenity that was closer to reticence. You waited, shoulders slumped and eyes heavy, lacking energy to ask anything else. 

“... This seems like a pattern. The lack of sleep, your headaches… Have you considered another type of approach?”

Long short story, no. And he probably knew that too, since you were there and not in a therapist's office, so you saw him lean over the desk and give you one of those scolding looks.

“It’s very normal for people in your profession to have this type of behavior. Considering what has happened in your personal life, I would advise a psychological reevaluation.”

“I’m not depressed.”

But he hadn't hinted at it, or said anything like that out loud, which only made it all make more sense. He sighed in defeat, then signed the recipe and, alongside with it, put a flier about mental health just in case.

The medicines would be an unforeseen additional expense, but it should give you some peace of mind. At least you hoped so. 

****

“Yes.”

“Bad time?” Gina sounded quite confused on the other end of the line, so you frowned at her tone and stuffed the pills into your bag irritably, the breeze not doing much to cheer up your mood. It wasn't even summer anymore, but the day still felt unbearably hot.

“I’m not on my peak, no.”

Gina went quiet for a bit. In the background, you could hear the noise of people coming and going, as if she were in a crowded place. Calmly, you backed up the sidewalk until you were under the awning of the pharmacy you had just left, switching your phone from ear to ear to hear her better. 

“... What was it? Did someone die?” 

“Where are you right now?”

“I am…” You looked over your shoulder, then at the sign of the pharmacy printed right above your head. “Had to run some errands.”

“How far are you from the Good Samaritan?”

“Good Samar-Gina, I was joking about-”

“You won't believe who's here.”

****

He had been quiet since he arrived and it was understandable. Apart from the answers he gave to the police, there was not much interest in having any type of social interaction, which was respected: it was not as if he was or should have been accustomed to the context in which he was placed.

It was different from the other cases they had been following, Z mentioned. Maybe a slip, but no one could be sure because they weren't experts in psychological profiles and the idea of ​​involving the feds was out of the question. For a lot, there was intuition, experiences on the streets, informants… Murph had already checked, there was a strong lead and they were almost there.

No one wanted to mention the damn coincidences that led them to that hospital and, more precisely, the crime scene. Gina, perhaps, had reacted in some way that revealed a truth that no one wanted to verbalize, and Nick asked them to keep an eye on her – Emma’s leaving, until further notice these people would be a bit of a smartass. 

But what would Gina do, anyway? If she could? Would she call you of all people and ask you to pray for your ex's life? 

Still, Benny stood guard at the hospital until Gina finished work and kept an eye on the news, or at least Twitter. If you had known about it, there would already have been news on the internet and, if you had appeared, taken by an immaculate concern towards the tragedy, you would’ve already done so. All in all, the reason why everyone was on their last strings was how you going there could be harmful to the case.

Maybe that was the problem, after all: he didn't know that side of you. What kind of wife you were, what kind of friend you could be. Everything was too casual, limited to observations he made and the things he remembered when you talked. There was no more karaoke, nor costume parties or Cosmopolitans in your cards or a brother to rely on; he knew these things, but none of them were valid at that moment.

So when he saw you peeking down the hall right after Gina had left (when he himself was already determined to get out of there), Benny didn't feel so surprised because he had tested the odds. Cautiously, he stood nearby, watching your diminished, secretive posture pass by the nurses' table and take slow steps to where Theodore was at. He was frustrated, in fact, and maybe a little stressed by everything, because he certainly didn't expect you to make the dumbest decision possible.

You stopped at a safe distance from the room and didn't come any closer. With a bag slung over your shoulder, you gripped the strap tightly, standing still there as you saw what was left of a guy after getting his ass beaten up, perhaps processing things that Benny would never know about. 

The girlfriend appeared: Aileen. She also hesitated when she noticed you, holding a cup of coffee in her hand as she came up from behind. At this point, Benny became more alert, ready to intervene. Interestingly, Henderson was also returning from somewhere, certainly to pick him up, and his louder voice calling your attention caused a beautiful disaster, like an announced tragedy.

You turned around too quickly, right when she was already on your trail, and hit your arm on the coffee cup that seemed hotter than expected. It hurt, of course. You screamed as the liquid burned the skin of your hand, leaning down just in time for one of the nurses to come to your aid. Aileen stood there in confusion as the liquid hit her clothes, and before Benny could take any further steps to take action, the reality that everyone was in a hospital dawned on him and he stopped.

He exchanged a glance with you as one of the nurses took you to the emergency room. 

“What the fuck, is she out of her fucking mind?” Henderson asked eventually, even if they both knew he would apologize later. 

Benny didn't answer him, however; he doubted the answer even though he thought he was aware enough of your behavior. He just watched you go in silence, both fists clenched in anger. 

****

You had your head down, your eyes still wet from the tears from the pain you had felt. The nurse had been delicate and, considering it was relatively calm, was going through the entire process in a well-rehearsed way. The emergency room was still lively, with people going from one side to the other. When you weren't watching her clean the burn, you looked up at the other patients waiting: broken arms, bloody noses.

Last time, you saw Benny with his arms crossed near the curtain that separated your space, even though it was the only one far from the others.

You knew at that moment that you were fucked.

“Boyfriend?” The nurse asked, making you eye her then him rapidly. 

“No,” You two answered in unison, to which you ended up averting your gaze in embarrassment. 

“I'd like to talk to her privately, anyway. If you don't mind,” He pressed a little, not minding the rude tone he was using. 

She eyed him, then you. With a small nod of yours, she sighed in tiredness and rolled her eyes, tidying up the bandage before leaving. 

A silence hung in the air, tense and with a hint of the impatience he was clearly feeling. You ignored this, however, glancing at your injured hand here and there before adjusting yourself better on the stretcher.

“You know, when I was a rookie I used to get quite excited with the prospect of being heard just showing my badge,” He commented, so you couldn’t help but scoff.

“Yeah, yeah, perhaps the biggest problem in America is men with damaged egos because no one cares about the size of their dicks anymore.” 

“You always seem to have a metaphor for dicks.”

“It’s a talent.”

“As is your ability to put yourself in shitty situations.”

You looked into his face for a few seconds and found an anger that, in general, seemed to be the only thing available to you from him. No more smiles or sympathy: Benny had chosen his side of the story and, really, that was fine. Still, you couldn't help but miss the other version of him as much as you did at that moment.

“I'm not going to ask who told you because that would be a really stupid question,” He took one, two steps closer to the curtain, slightly pushing it to cover the both of you. “Let's be adults and then you tell me why you came.”

Good question. Great question, actually. Why were you there? Why did you make the fucking dumb decision to be the bigger person and show up? And, by all intends, to end up with a coffee burn from… 

Yeah, it wasn’t your prime, you could give him that. 

“He wasn't just my ex husband. And I didn't want to come, but I thought I would be an asshole if I didn’t do anything.”

Benny stared at you for a long moment then; he stood there, still, eyeing you as if he was looking for something – to the point of discomfort. You averted your gaze to the floor. 

“I've read your file, did you know that? As soon as you came in and became the talk of the team, I went to find out who you were,” It made you raise your head to him, taken aback by his sudden change of subject. “First in your class, completed a specialization while still graduating. You're kind of a genius, and honestly, you had every right to be a bit of an asshole to people.”

“... You don’t need to say this,” You said.

“What should I say then?”

“I can work with nothing,” And then you snapped at him, seeing his expression shift from serenity to full annoyance. “We’ve been doing this dance very well over the last few months.” 

When he didn't offer any further comment, sighing in impatience from your stubbornness. 

“What I mean is, you're a fucking smart scientist and everything, but you still insist on being naive like that.”

“I know,” You mumbled in defeat. 

“Do you now?”

In other times, there would be a cunning answer on the tip of your tongue; hell, in other times, you wouldn't even let him or anyone talk to you like that. The point was that you were so tired of putting yourself in this position, of facing things that weren't even your business because you had been in that defensive and combative mode since things started to get out of control.

You sighed and ran your good hand over your face, rubbing away the melancholy expression.

“Do you still like him?” You couldn’t help but raise your eyebrows in surprise at his question, watching the way he was so serious about it. 

“What’s that supposed to fucking mean?” 

He shrugged. 

“Means whatever.”

“I don’t like him.”

“It wasn't what it seemed.”

“Are you serious?” You couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. “You don't know anything about my life to insinuate that kind of thing about me.”

“So answer me without sounding like I'm accusing you of something.”

“Well, then ask questions that don't sound like you're accusing me of something.”

And that seemed to have ended the argument (not the conversation), but Benny didn't move or seem willing to do anything to end the topic. 

“... What?” You asked with impatience. 

“The girl who spill the coffee on you, she-”

“Aileen,” Your interruption came with a huff, while wiggling the fingers of your bad hand. “Yes, she’s a stunning woman my ex cheated me with, if that’s what you’re trying to ask.”

“I’m not trying to ask anything,” Benny frowned. “You're the one on the defensive. I don't want to know the details, I just need to make sure you don't put yourself in the front line of something that’s none of your business.”

“He’s someone I know!”

“Are you serious right now?”

“No,” You used a firm tone, watching him go from stern to doubtful in a beat. “I’m a human being and unfortunately I’m sensitive enough to visit my ex who was beaten by a gang of robbers. Do I wish I had done something to her for what happened? Of course, but unfortunately I also like my job. And my ethics, if that matters.” 

“I just don't want to have to clean up any messes again.”

Deep down, if you really cared, you would’ve been more outraged by what he had said to you. In the end, you just became even more pissed off, so it probably meant that you were mad. The audacity, the… That seemed like the kind of thing that put him closer to what Major Crimes really was.

“... You're quite an asshole, you know that?”

He sighed, looking away and probably reevaluating a route. 

“I didn't mean it that way.”

“Sure. How lucky would I be to endure two public humiliations without having provoked them? I really must be a saint.” 

“Then I’ll be the bitch. I meant exactly what I meant,” You both shared a stare. 

In fact, he was right: you were complicating everything. If you had just done what you meant to do, maybe you wouldn't have acted so immature, but there you were, holding your ground because you were an idiot. This was so frustrating, so stupid. You didn't need to do that, you didn't need to try to be something you weren't. No one ever imposed this type of behavior on you, there was no gun in your head telling you that things should be that way. 

You felt defeated. Your physicality, your face, everything exuded the reflections of a woman well out of orbit. 

“I'm going to tell you something very honest,” He took a few steps closer, searching the eyes you’d been avoiding until you could be looking at each other again. “I want you away from this case. Not because I think you're gonna mess something up, but at this point it's clear that your judgment can prevail over the evidence.” 

It wasn't like he was wrong, so you stayed quiet.

“Nick is going to end up being pretty scathing about what happened here today, so believe me when I say that this time I'm really going to let you off the hook. You'll owe me one.” 

Again, you remained silent, which was a bit surprising since you almost always had something to say. He was there, stern, giving you a well-deserved scolding, pointing a finger in your face, and it was as embarrassing as it was incredibly satisfying. It wasn't like what happened in your kitchen or anything like that, because he was truly mad at you, not the circumstances. Without Nick, Isla, Emma; it was you and him. You were the target.

His eyes were focused on yours, because he wanted to say it in all words. They seemed even darker, more powerful compared to yours, and that made you move in shyness. It was a side of Benny you didn't know yet.

“And please wake up. That girl isn’t half the woman you are,” This shocked you even more, since he hadn't stopped looking visibly irritated while passing his eyes over your body. “Nor half-experienced.”

Okay, well, that was… Well… 

He shouldn’t have that right, did he? Why were you blinking several times and not saying anything then?

You stayed quiet – you didn’t want to embarrass yourself somehow. And with your silence, Benny just nodded while averting his gaze for a beat too long, passing a palm over his mouth with a tense sigh. 

“She's going to discharge you and I want you away from here, understand?” He murmured, both hands placed on the mattress to cage you. 

If he asked (which he clearly wouldn't), you would explain the details of your drunken confession from that first date. Benny was very intense, definitive; that was his version a little beyond what happened in your kitchen, and if you pushed a little harder, you'd notice that his eyes were darker than normal, putting you in an instant trance, whether out of fear, regret or… something else.

His eyes, at that moment when you just didn't say anything, went from your eyes to your eyebrows and then to your nose and mouth, agitated about how to actually look at you. 

“Am I understood?” Benny pressed with a growl. 

You nodded. 

“Yes or no?” 

“Yes.”

“Great.”

He walked away with some hesitation, but opened the curtain to leave with a brutality that made you jump instantly. You let out a heavy breath, bringing your injured and closed hand to your chest in a somewhat unconscious act of protection, but not necessarily because of him. Benny was right; reactive, but right. 

What the fuck were you doing in that place?

****

“Why did you do that?”

Henderson was driving back to the station when he asked. The car remained silent, with no answer for a long time, and Benny continued to stare at what he had written down of what Theodore said.

“She’s a partner. Big Nick would do the same.”

“I don't think so,” Henderson snorted. “You like her.” 

Benny didn't comment on that either, because there wasn’t anything to add. In any case, the lack of a reply said everything his friend needed to know.

****

Okay, Benny did like you a little. Amicably. At first it was purely sexual, and he even thought about bragging to Connors that he had managed to fuck you first, because he was sure he wasn't going to make it past the first date. But even with all the other interesting women he did the same thing with, the indifference you had made it for him. If it was just that, if you had drunk a little less and gone to bed with him that night, that would be fine to you; maybe you even expected the other guys would know about it. 

Then you two kissed and he didn’t mention anything to anyone. You became funnier and prettier and he noticed the things about you. Benny found out he liked the idea of it being a secretive thing, to remember how you sounded, the texture of your skin and the smell of your hair and keep it to himself. You were an irredeemable nerd, but you were rebellious: you clashed with Big Nick, you had a beautiful, huge tattoo on your leg, you smoked marijuana, you messed with other girls.

He enjoyed your closeness, whether as a friend or as a lover. It was advantageous to have you around.

Since what happened at the hospital, Benny thought about apologizing and saying that he was just upset. They were really close to get that guys, there was a lot of pressure from above after the debacle with the DEA, no one was in the thick of the fucking around. He didn't apologize despite wanting to, though, because he knew things didn't feel easy for you either.

Well, he couldn’t be sure of it, if he liked you as if in a crush or just as a person who he got along with. You made him hesitate to make some kind of mistake towards you, so what Benny could say for certain was that he liked you. Just a little.

****

“Do you know anything about this?”

You and your dad were in the kitchen washing the dishes when he asked. His tone was low, almost discreet to be heard only by you and, hopefully, distant enough for your mother to take note of the question. The room was small, very different from your old house, and the walls provided good coverage so that she, who was on the emergency stairs smoking a cigarette, was at an even safer distance.

Still, you peeked out the small window above the sink and could see the smoke rising from the exact place you saw her climbing. 

Earlier, they arrived talking about how the newspapers and Twitter had reported what had happened to Theodore. You did no more than say that Gina brought it up, but you weren't on the case and it was ethically (as well as judicially) wrong for you to get too close. Still, you tried hard to say that you knew he was okay – which your father clearly managed to see as a half-truth.

“... I went to see him at the hospital,” You mumbled, eyes fixed on the dishes in front of you, not daring to find out how he was looking at you. 

“You two talked?”

“No,” You paused. “But I saw Aileen.” 

He didn't say anything; the tap was still on, but the noise of dishes being moved had stopped. You pretended you hadn't noticed, going to the cupboard and putting away the already dry glasses, trying to stay away from the excruciating gaze you felt on the back of your head.

That silence had meaning; your father could go days without bringing up the subject waiting for you to talk about it. Like it or not, you could let him use this strategy, and you would have more time to decide how to talk about it, but your mother knew this habit better than you and, well, there was a reason why you were talking away from her. 

You closed the cabinet and turned around, moving closer to him before leaning the small of your back against the table, defensively crossing your arms. He turned off the tap, dried his hands; the worried expression never left his face.

“I was in the hallway and one of the detectives in charge called me. I turned around without realizing she was behind me, so she accidentally spilled hot coffee on my hand,” You held up your hand wrapped in the bandage.

“So you two didn’t interact? Aside from this?”

“Like in an indian soap opera, yeah,” Your answer made him hiss. “She apologized, I think. I don’t remember a lot.”

Well, it was a lie – one he could catch from a mile away. You remembered each piece of moment you could grab from that mess: the way her eyes widened at the sight of the coffee being spilled on your skin, the way she raised her hands to reach out, the pain, the step back you gave to make sure she wouldn’t get any closer and, specially, the way Benny and Henderson were watching the whole scene. 

The reason why you didn’t go into a spiral of remorse was this fact, that amongst Z or Nick, the ones who were there were the least worse. Gus was nice, polite and Benny was… Benny. And for days you expected for something, for Emma to give you one last penitence or for O’Brien to spill some shit on your face; God knew you deserved it all. It was a bad feeling. You didn't like the idea of ​​feeling embarrassed, the exposure or even your lack of reaction, but more than that, you felt torn by the idea that you hadn't felt as sorry for Theodore as you thought you would.

“It’s just… I’ve been punching myself for even going there in the first place,” You sighed in defeat, your good hand passing all over your face. 

“Maybe we raised you way too well.”

“That’s not entirely true… But not because of you, that is.”

And you knew you shouldn't have said that, at least not in those words, because then he would come with more arguments about how you should let your mother in, about how she wanted to be part of your life and how it would be better to have her as a support – as a woman-to-woman conversation would be more enlightening.

He didn’t even need to point that out, in fact; you already slipped in before he could open his mouth. 

“I think it's better not to.”

“Because she could be too harsh?”

“Because she could be too honest. I love her, dad, I really do, but I had a hell of a moment with a coworker that makes me ashamed to even look at his direction because of it. I…”

I don’t want to disappoint her again. I don’t want to be a burden. 

It was always much easier for your brother when it came to your mother: she welcomed him and they just understood each other. With you it was always a problem. She said you spent a lot of time with your dad, that you must be like this or that, that, honey, Theodore is a great kid but I don't think he'll come back after college. He returned. You got married. You got divorced and, during all the crises, you were also embarrassed to come back with your tail between your legs to say that she was right in a way. You made your brother swear under professional secrecy that he wouldn't tell her anything, but you still contained details just in case.

So no, it was better not to. It would be another shame, another thing that she would look at you with great pity, and you were tired of putting yourself in that position.

“I'm off the case anyway. Gina doesn't report to me, just like she gave the tests to the person on the other shift. There's no risk of me getting closer to Theodore again.”

“But you were looking for something when you went there. Did you find it?”

You stared straight at his eyes for a long, beating moment. 

“... I did.”

“And what was it?”

For a brief second, you could still feel the sensation of seeing Theodore beaten up, the dried blood and lowered eyes. Could see the way he seemed fine, injured but not unstable, able to still be operative, essential to the industry. 

“Relief.”

****

“I know you.”

You didn't expect it to come out so full of doubt, but you expected him to have some memory lapse in the time you had seen him.

Dr. Cillian Byrne was a professor you had at university just before you changed your major. It was in your first year, at the end of the first semester, and with the changes in the curriculum for your audiovisual expertise, you only had the chance to attend, roughly, three or four of his classes. He was a bit young for the position, people said, and when your academic psychopathy caught other people's attention, they told you the same thing. Unlike him, you never went that far. After you graduated, you joined the LASD and managed to pass the evaluation for field CSI, but with so much bureaucracy in the way, you ended up stationed in the laboratory for good.

Looking at him there, it felt like a full circle moment. You didn't connect the dots until that last name took place and you exchanged glances with Emma from afar, who just shook her head lightly as if to say you shouldn’t mention Ballard. 

“I took some classes with you in college,” You mentioned after saying your name, watching his eyebrows raise in recognition. 

“Right, I remember you. The girl who ran to the second boring stuff in CSI.” 

“The second?”

“It's the rule. First come the academics, then the laboratory rats, then the coroners and only then the self-centered field ones.”

Emma was walking towards you when he said that, so when she got closer and saw that the two of you were sharing friendly laughs with each other, she went from confused to pleased in seconds.

“It isn’t that usual to see a successor at a faraway party, but I feel like it’s going well,” She said.

The hotel ballroom was full (exaggeratedly, but fair enough) and judging by the amount of times you saw Dr. Byrne going from group to group with smiles, you could agree that he was breaking the awkwardness of being there under these circumstances. Maybe it was the mood itself. Everyone was well dressed, sipping expensive drinks they could only have on special occasions, laughing at whoever was on duty and taking photos for Facebook; the boring part could wait until the next day.

“I was telling her she’s the first familiar face I've seen here, which is a surprise,” Dr. Byrne lied, so you sipped on your soda to avoid giving that away. 

“... Oh,” Emma frowned, a confused smile fighting for its life to not make her discomfort so evident. “You do know each other, then.”

“He was one of my professors in college.”

“Almost,” He teased, eyes swiping from you to her. “I found out just after two weeks that she fled to the computers.” 

“You seem to have been upset about this,” She was the one teasing now, on the verge of embarrassment to be honest. 

“Well, when you start hearing how much this student who changed majors became one of the bests… It’s hard not to feel at least jealous, right?”

And perhaps Emma and you would talk about this in the future if it hadn't been in that sensitive context, because it was clear that Dr. Byrne had looked into everyone in the department and was perhaps doing background checks as if he were doing his homework. It was the first time in months that you and Emma exchanged a similar look, raising your eyebrows and understanding the situation right away, sharing glances with an inside joke that you hadn't told each other for a long time.

“She’s really great, I have to admit. Hurts me to leave this whole amazing team, to be honest,” She went the easy and polite way, one hand tapping on your arm. “I'm sure you'll get along great on a daily basis.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Who else would give me a better report on what’s up with the infamous Major Crimes’s gang?” 

This time, the discomfort that had been eating away at the edges and that you were able to overcome came to the surface, which made you step back with confusion close to indignation. Dr. Byrne seemed neutral despite this, smiling from ear to ear as he watched Emma unsure of what to say and then you, coming to the inevitable conclusion that he was an idiot.

“... I’m afraid that I’m not the best person to expect that. Perhaps the sheriff?” You gave one more chance to get away with the topic, but he shook his head and insisted, keeping that smile that started to scare you off a little. 

“Why wouldn't it be you? Emma told me that you all have an extensive professional partnership. Not to mention the quality of your reports on Ballard's cases.”

“Oh.”

“I just told him that you could explore more of your expertise with the complex cases they work with,” She rushed to add, the glare on your face now clear as the day.

“I see.”

“But I believe, Dr. Byrne, that I also added that she knows how to limit herself to technical reports, all personalized for each context. You saw it yourself, as she was an expert on a case with one of our most senior detectives.” 

Only then, perhaps added to the way you were no longer so interested in being friendly around the subject, did Dr. Byrne step back and nod, praising your ability to remain professional in the work environment or something. You honestly stopped paying attention, eyes swiping over your drink in hand to avoid any signs of clear embarrassment. 

“I’m really excited to start this new journey with you all. See you on Monday?” He turned to you, giving just enough time for your reaction to snap your head up and force a smile. 

“Of course. Welcome to LASD.”

You two shook hands, then he left. 

But Emma stayed. 

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Did you also mention your friendship with Walsh?” You couldn’t help the venom on your voice, which made her sigh. “Very professional, Emma. Very professional.”

“He just did the research, okay? I wasn’t intending to share everything about you guys, but he just came by with a fucking folder with all your names on it. Not to mention what the sheriff told me…” 

Not that you were in a position to speculate, much less to sympathize with whatever she had faced, but Emma lost her neutral posture as soon as he walked away, that you lost some of your irritation and eyed at her suspiciously, seeing her looking around and making sure no one would hear.

“I made a list of recommendations, but he didn't even read them and said that Byrne had already been chosen. Nick came up to me and said that-”

“You talked with Nick about it?”

“See how weird things are,” She rolled her eyes. “I think he feels threatened. Byrne is close to the sheriff, this could undermine O’Brien's freedoms.”

“And is it bad?”

“I don’t know… I mean, when you know how someone operates, it can be easy to guess, but I’ve never been around him enough to be sure of anything.”

“So you’re suspicious because of this,” You concluded and she agreed. With a deep breath, you looked around just as she did minutes before, catching sight of Cillian and Lennon talking. 

“He’s… an academic.”

“He’s a brat,” You shook your head, biting your lower lip while still staring at him from afar. “Older men, high IQs... Just the smell of testosterone bothers me.” 

“It's not like my feminine presence made any difference.”

When you looked at her again, surprised by her condescending tone, Emma was sipping her own drink with some embarrassment. You didn't know if you should give any approval, if you even had the right to do that, but you knew that it was just her trying to have a clearer conscience about what happened. Byrne was going to take over, and she admitted she had misgivings about the guy – it was noble, like a last shred of ethics in the middle of what seemed like a specifically planned transition.

“... You made it easier for Walsh to take over the case once and for all, didn't you?” 

Emma kept quiet, which was enough of an answer. Not knowing what to say, you nodded along in that silence, unsure if you were shocked or just… relieved. 

“I can understand your disbelief in Nick's methods. Take it from me, I had some problems because of it,” You conceded, so she raised her eyes at you sheepishly. “It's hypocritical to say that in parting, but I was upset that you did that knowing that Walsh would somehow throw me into the fire.” 

“You better than anyone could understand that it was an inevitable consequence.”

“I do, that’s why I never tried to make it a big deal all these months. God knows we have a lot to be forgiven for, so… Be careful with Mathias, ‘kay? Just as you’re telling me to be careful with Byrne.” 

It was the closest you and she could get to resolving the problems. In the future, perhaps, you could look at it more coldly and understand that it was too dramatic, but it wasn't the time; at the moment, the two of you have reached a consensus for the greater good.

The kind that included men with a lot of midlife crises.

****

Benny had seen the whole scene, from Byrne approaching you, the jokes he made you laugh at and even the moment he made you throw a look of disgust at him. He shouldn't even be there anymore: he had a date that night, one that would probably result in a good fuck and none of Emma's rascality. Still, as he watched you interact with those people, Benny ended up traveling in thought again.

He thought he missed what you had risked before. You were more relaxed, determined; you had no way of deciding what he was because the two of you barely knew each other. The dress you wore there was similar to the one on your first date, but not the same. If he tried, he could still feel your awkward drunken ways or, with more effort, visualize the result of an alcohol-free night like the one you were having at that party.

Deep down, Benny wanted to feel like a good guy because, for some reason, he didn't want to put you in that trophy position like he did or would do with other women. This comforted him; encouraged him. If he got closer again, if you started a relationship again, he was afraid that he would succumb to the boredom of not being able to hold on to that heroic feeling of having spared you from something toxic, that would soon hurt you or he would hurt himself.

“Are you going?” Connors asked as soon as he felt Benny shift beside him. “She’s gonna say some words.”

So he stayed, both feet firmly planted on the floor as long as he could, watching each other as Emma went up on the small improvised stage to test the microphone and you, who remained in the same place, one arm resting on the bar counter as you looked at the scene with a blank expression.

“You know, I never thought I would go through this before I was 60, but I think destiny is something impressive,” Emma said. “Having to say goodbye to you all is painful, but I know that this new phase will be transformative for all of us. In a positive way, that is.”

You passed your hand (the injured one) over your mouth, as if you were hiding a reaction even though no one other than him was paying attention to you.

“Since I'm not much of a talker and since I know I said my private goodbyes to everyone here, I'd like to recite one of the emails I received from my mentor once I got my position at LASD.”

Everyone got quiet. 

“True peace is only truly achieved when we realize that we cannot be all good and, therefore, we will be villains for some and heroes for others. It’s an unfair and cruel measure, but despite being protagonists of our own stories, our moral compass will not always point in the right direction. It’s up to us, as human beings, to embrace our weaknesses and ensure that, within our obligations, we can do our best. Therefore, our sacrifices will soon be seen as choices, which will or will not shape who we’ll be as people.”

It was only for a second, a thousandth of a second, when Emma finished that corny speech and everyone applauded, that Benny looked at you again and saw that you looked back. It shouldn't have meant anything to you, just like it did to him, but he knew that, perhaps, that adventure should’ve ended before it began.

That was the choice you two made.

****

No pressure tags:

@cheesybadgers

@thoroughlymodernminutia

@seaweeden

@thesandbeneathmytoes

@eclecticfashionbookszipper

@servenas-inner-fangirl

@mysoulisasunflower

[genshinconfessions]

Honest to god, the more I see people behaving like actual monsters or children throwing a temper tantrum over characters not having skin as black as the abyss the more I flat out just do not have the capacity to care. I get it sucks that the characters aren't being diverse enough, I get it, but throwing death threats, slurs and god knows what else at the devs while behaving like spoiled rotten brats just makes me not care to any degree. If people can't behave like ACTUAL ADULTS and genuinely have polite points to say other than "Time to attack the devs again/slander the VAs or whoever for agreeing to go with this" whenever a character isn't dark skinned, they have no one to blame but themselves if the devs elect to not listen to what basically amounts to spoiled two year olds not getting what they want. I genuinely feel bad for people who want more diversity but are less hateful and end up being lumped in with the assholes who think threatening the devs lives is a okay, and I also feel bad for anyone genuinely excited about the Natlan characters getting absolutely harassed and ripped to shreds for not "thinking they're ugly for not being dark enough". I feel like if the fan base were ALOT LESS VITRIOLIC about the issue of diversity the devs would likely listen more. But as it stands now I can't wait for the harassing and death threats being thrown around to die down again so I can actually browse genshin twit and tumblr again in peace without having to worry about running into anyone being genuine human trash towards the devs over the color of fucking pixels. I've got enough stressing me out like grieving the loss of a parent, I don't need people being assholes to add to it and it sickens me that they don't see anything wrong with how they're acting. I'm just. I'm tired and wish people could be less like bullies or arseholes for once over a silly little gacha game they claim to love yet act like this. Sorry for this being a long confession, I just needed to get this off my chest cause it's been bugging me and stressing me out so much since the Natlan teaser got released whenever I've gone to look at Genshin stuff practically everywhere lately.....

i'm very sorry for your loss :( and if it will help you feel less alone, i generally agree with your sentiments.

for me, i am a pretty staunch hoyo defender (evident in previous posts when we used to comment on asks more frequently), but i must admit, i was slightly disappointed in the natlan characters since i believed the fan edits with darker skin did look better, and i wished hoyo would have listened to the intl fandom regarding south american/african/indigenous poc things.

that said, it's never okay to send death threats to anyone for any reason. i'm sure the devs are a lot less willing to make changes if all they're getting is death threats and, like you said, vitriolic hate. constructive criticism helps ppl realize where they're wrong and how to fix it; unconstructive criticism is generally useless and tends to be ignored.

the societal issue of colorism runs very, very deep, both in asia and generally around the world. it's not something that hoyo can fix singlehandedly by changing some characters. granted, i'm sure it would set a very good example for future game devs, and it would be really great if they did listen to intl feedback! but if they choose not to, that's not smth we can change their minds about.

side note, regarding a lot of the 'natlan is colonized' comments, we don't know the story yet. it's possible that hoyo will address it as social commentary, or it might be something totally different. leaks and the search for instant gratification have really made it difficult for people to enjoy a drawn-out storyline, and that's really sad.

we've said this a lot on this page but i'll say it again: why spend so much energy hating fictional media? if it no longer brings you joy for whatever reason (i.e. you dislike the natlan characters), stop playing. if the fandom is the main source of negativity, stop engaging with the fandom, block users and tags, curate your own experience. if you claim to hate everything about it but continue to engage with it, that's quite hypocritical and unconvincing.

in any case, if you like the game well enough to keep playing, keep playing. you don't need to justify your reasoning to anyone, and you definitely don't need to fall into a trap of radicalized (and dare i say often performative) social justice.

[neerons]

Kind of curious about what you think of Yuzuru. In terms of him as a character, his storyline, and his friendship with Kaz and Kei.

Hi there!

[Warning: Mentions of a spoiler from Yuzuru's S3]

What do I think of Yuzuru's route and characterization?

I will be discussing this more in depth in my character analysis on Yuzuru, but I think Yuzuru has a lot to offer and is equally as interesting as the other LIs!!

Years ago when the title started releasing, Kazuomi had instantly caught my attention, followed by Kei and the Boss who was way too mysterious and handsome to be ignored.

When it comes to Yuzu, I didn't focus on him right away simply because I usually need more time to develop an interest for "cold" characters like him. But back then I didn't know I would become obsessed with this title, so I fell into the abyss and checked out Yuzu's story as well soon after Kazuomi and maybe even Kei, and he then became as interesting to me.

Out of the 3S's, he's the most difficult to approach in his MS and it's harder to really bond with him at first. He basically doesn't give you any space in his heart for you to occupy. He wouldn't give you the time of day if it weren't beneficial for him to have you.

This is why, in the universe of MK, he was probably the hardest target to ever approach for MC. She had to hope she'd be able to see him again to continue her mission, otherwise she'd have been in trouble.

Because compared to Kei and Kazuomi who themselves gave her a reason to meet again, she had to go find Yuzu herself with an excuse that could have failed.

Also, what I appreciate in a way is that he truly is a "cold" character when you first meet him. His words are cold and sharp. His attitude is also pretty shocking at first. And he's not just someone who acts cold for a specific reason.

Being almost robotic and set in his ways is just part of his persona. And he doesn't mean to be cold, he just is, because of his own overly logical mind.

It makes him practically inaccessible, which makes the challenge even more worth it at the end, when you finally find the way to his heart and get to see his human, emotional self.

He is also extremely well developed throughout his stories. I'm currently re reading every MS for the guys' character analyses, and although I didn't re read Yuzu's S3 yet, from what I remember, this is the season that had a lot of moments I loved in his development.

Especially the part about him choosing MC over Victoria... This is the kind of thing that can make me cry 🤣

One thing I also really like about Yuzu's personality is that he is very realistic. I wouldn't know how to explain it, but the way he forces himself to be constantly logical and rejects his emotions at first is something some of us might have experienced, when we try to take the "right" decisions.

Something extremely realistic too in my opinion is the fact that his actions speak louder than any words. Personally, I was raised by a father who is like that, so I really enjoy seeing how Yuzu's personality is depicted. And I appreciate that despite how bad he is at conversing, he'll try his best to communicate with the woman he loves and will work for the relationship just as much as her.

Speaking of MC, what I absolutely love is how Yuzu always respects her and learns to rely on her, even in other routes. (Although all the LIs respect her, it feels even more meaningful with Yuzu due to his personality and the way he used to treat women).

He redeemed himself pretty well after recognizing he didn't compromise enough in their relationship and said he'd respect her more. I absolutely love that side of him. The way he is able to see his own mistakes and then acts to fix his poor attitude shows how truly intelligent and mature he is.

His friendship with Kazuomi & Kei

Now, when it comes to his relationship with Kazu and Kei, I really REALLY love how they all came to meet and share a bond.

Because if we think about it more in depth, how the hell did these three manage to become friends when they're practically opposites!?

We have Kazuomi who is so free-spirited he does whatever he wants, is also hedonistic and can socialize very easily.

Then there's Kei, worshipped by many because of his nobility and charming, angelic looks. Also a social butterfly and can learn anything he wants about anyone.

And finally Yuzu, who focuses all his senses on his work, sucks at handling conversations and understanding others. Hates anyone nosy who might disturb his perfectly organized schedule and lifestyle.

Let's just say that for Yuzu, Kei and Kazuomi simply sound like his worst nightmare. However, they both become extremely important people in his life later on without him even realizing it, when they were simply supposed to share a transactional relationship.

What I personally really love that they all complete each other. While for Yuzu conversing is not really his forte, he has Kei and Kazuomi serving as examples and means to build his network.

As extremely observant people, his friends are also here to notice Yuzu's troubles and help him out even if he insists he doesn't need it. They often make him realize things he doesn't see himself when it comes to his own emotions.

The pattern I love the most in their friendship is whenever Kazu and Kei tease Yuzu 🥺❤ He's just so easy to annoy, I can see why they'd be tempted to do that, since they are both so easy-going and relaxed compared to him, who is always so uptight.

I love when they manage to make him frown just as much as them hahaha:

As I mentioned, I will be working on analysing it all better and more in depth in their character analyses, but I hope I satisfied your curiosity for now!

Thank you for the ask, and have an amazing day! ❤

[thehollowbackroomsuniverse]

The Hollow: Backrooms

The Kai&Co System

This has been something that has been casually mentioned in the past, but Backrooms!Kai becomes a System and splits and forms a few alters!

I (@ahyesthesufferingoftvteens) may talk about some of these goobers in the future. Some basic things to note: Blaze, Coco, Alter Adam, and Kitty form in The Backrooms. Alter Reeve forms right before Kai&Co escape The Backrooms, and Kai (Part 2) and Cinnamon form after The Backrooms. All of the special designs for these headmates are how they dress a year or two after The Backrooms story.

Slightly more detailed information about each of the members of the Kai&Co system are listed under the cut:

Blaze: One of the alters that split from Kai. A host of the system. Bi Aboy, He/They. Trauma Holder; Anger, Fear, and Depression holder; BPD holder; and Emotional Protector. Formed as a persecutor; used to be extremely explosive and had really destructive mental breakdowns. Heals with therapy. Likes to set things on fire and shop at Hot Topic. Is the reason the body is taking Abilify.

Coco: The other alter that split from Kai. A host of the system. Pan Nyan-binary Boy, He/They. Inner Child and Trauma Holder; Age-slides. Had really bad Stockholm Syndrome; found it very difficult to make decisions for themselves due to conditioning. Heals with Therapy. Loves Chococat so much that they kin the character and sometimes assumes Chococat’s form in headspace.

Koda: Kai rejoined after a year of being split apart. Now goes by a different name. Eventually, Coco and Blaze permanently fuse into Koda. A host of the system. Omni Demiboy, He/They. Trauma Holder. A bit more cheeky and dark-humored than he used to be, but it’s still the Kai you know and love. Shops at Spencers. Manic pixie dream boy energy. Can’t stop dating the emotionally unavailable and volitile Latinos in his area (He has nine exes). FINALLY found a good boyfriend (He’s a Wolf Therian, his name is Cillas).

Adam: The first alter to form after the “big split”. An introject of Adam. Gay Man, He/Him. Physical Protector. Formed as a persecutor; used to enforce the paranoid thinking patterns and distrust that the original Adam instilled. Heals with therapy. Likes to go fishing and thrives in a Bass Pro Shop.

Kitty: The second alter to form after the “big split”. An introject of Kitty, an entity from The Backrooms. Demi-Aroace Kenogirl, She/It. Caretaker, Soother, and System Overseer. Nonverbal: texts using emojis. The only way she can best communicate is with cards and drawings. Doesn’t front much; she’s more of a background alter. When she does front though the entire day is usually dedicated to her for her hard work. Loves Hello Kitty and dressing up in frilly dresses.

Reeve: Formed right before the system escaped The Backrooms. An introject of Reeve. Gay Trans Man, He/Him. Physical and Emotional Protector, and a Caretaker. Formed to do Adam’s job but better. Really happy about being in a body that was born male (his euphoria is through the roof). The only alter in the system that is religious.

Kai (Act 2): Formed after the system escaped The Backrooms. A host of the system. Bi Man, He/Him. Social Protector. Is exactly like Kai before the split, and is very detached from the memories of the Backrooms. The “Singlet-sona”. He identifies with the body’s known identity and fronts to interact with family members and pre-Backrooms friends, and when talking to strangers. He also primarily fronts while live-streaming video game play-throughs, but other alters pitch in as well.

Cinnamon: Formed after the system escaped The Backrooms. Aroace Boygirl, They/Them. The only perma-little. A fictive of Cinnomoroll. Excitable and annoying in a little sibling sort of way. Really likes gifts and eating food. No one knows why they formed, they just showed up one day. They exist now.

[dingodad]

who's your favorite character to analyze? has that ever changed?

this is an interesting question & i don't think i've ever thought about it this way. because i don't know if i've ever really thought of myself as being particularly involved in "character" analysis up until a few of my more recent posts, i've always been a lot more concerned with the story's overarching mythology and the themes that transcend individual characters... but part of that is definitely just homestuck's sheer length bc i don't mind thinking in more character oriented terms when i'm engaging in shorter form storytelling. i just haven't read homestuck back to front possibly since it ended so starting to look at the characters as individuals the way i see other writers do would require the reread i've been daunting all this time 😭😭i know this is terrible of me to admit. do you guys forgive me

to steer more in the direction of your question i suppose as a consequence of the above i've basically always been most interested in the characters with the larger, more mythological presences in the story. and though that group of characters has pretty much remained the same, i think it has an interesting relationship with the characters i actually enjoy the most. like, you'll find i write a lot about the alpha kids and the parental shadows they cast over the story, and Dirk obviously looms larger than most in that respect. but i find it really difficult to care about Dirk outside of that analytical context! LOL. though i guess this relates back to what i was just saying about having spent a lot of time identifying the broad strokes painted over the whole comic without spending all that time down in the weeds. i'm sure there is something cute about Dirk that makes everyone love him i'm just not worried about that righnow

i would say i do find myself compelled especially to look at characters that i feel are heavily misrepresented in popular thought. like alpha kid fans have developed a very particular way of thinking and talking about those characters over the past 10 years and a lot of my writing on the subject very deliberately goes against those established modes of thought. so i won't act like the way i approach my analysis doesn't change over time, homestuck fandom is very much a communal project and i am occasionally subject to the broader conversations going on about these characters, whether i choose to follow these streams or consciously swim against them

[29daffodils]

Ik you have a lot of asks from this post, and if you choose not to reply, please feel no pressure to do so

I am by no means a 30yo, nor do i think i have a long enough experience in this fandom to make a huge comment- but i do have experience in being in fandoms that ship very real people and have dealt with that for as long as i remember.

This has basically enabled me to separate most bs from reality when it comes to fanservice. FKT and a very few other ships (or sometimes just one half of the ships) are people with whom i find myself staggered to think whether they should be behaving the way they so-comfortably do, just for the sake of fanservice.

Another thing that I'd add is- directors such as P'Jojo and P'Aof have known and worked with most GMMTV actors in some scope or the other. In FKT's case, it has happened multiple times, and they have essentially seen these two grow up to become the brilliant actors and people they are. These two directors are also known to take a lot of inspiration from life around them, including experiences of friends, family, themselves and ofc the actors who are playing their characters. They have even made characters with specific actors in mind. Which may have lead to Khao's dreams bleeding into Bison's, and we might see the same for other bits of the characters as the show airs.

hi nonnie!

haha yes i do have quite a few asks and honestly, than you (and others) for your insight. I haven't shipped any rpf before last year : accidentally watched kpts and shipped vegaspete so hard and thought “oh bible and biu have a really comfortable relationship with eo” and look how that worked for me lmaoo

i think i still have ptsd from that alone lol, but I'm in general a very cautious and distrustful person, so fanservice — especially the more intimate moments about sharing dreams or spaces and such, i kinda hate it when they turn out to be fabricated. in that sense, it kinda just left a bad taste in my mouth.

but now that i know khao has talked about the whole aurora thing before mentioning it recently, and that the directors do take inspiration from the actors themselves, i think I'm more at ease. it still doesn't feel entirely right to me in terms of storytelling perspective because, if you squint, then kantbison essentially becomes fkt fanfiction lmao, and i am a fanfiction author.

i've only recently realised that this whole thing — being inspired by actors — is pretty common in thailand with BLs, at least a friend told me how kinn's character in kpts is literally drawn from mile.

so yeah. all in all i just hope the story isn't entirely a fkt fanfiction. i have watched bits and pieces of the “get to know your killers” interview and so far kantbison really seem wayyyyyyyy too much like firstkhaotung. which maybe alright for most people, but... i dunno, except for me. i will still love the show and gush about it and the acting, i know. but since I haven't been in rpf for long, sometimes it becomes difficult to separate the truth from what's being fed to us in the name of a CP. and honestly, believing that people share dreams only for them to have fabricated all of that some characters, makes me, as a fan, feel incredibly stupid.

like I don't even ship fkt, neither did i ship biblebiu, but i do value friendships between people a lot, and I'm.. a little sensitive about it , i guess. hahah, my bad.

sorry this got long but you sent a nice ask. thank you again, hope ya have a good day!

edit : whoop, i didn't see that it wasn't anon. I'm sorry. forgive this old blind woman.

[misscherrys-world]

Jung Tae Ju x fem!Reader

It’s my first fic since long time ago 🤭

Also English is not my first language so please forgive me for any grammatical mistakes. 🫶🏼

It turned a little bit darker than I intended it to be so enjoy!

Relationship status: ✨ enemies to lovers ✨

✨Trigger warnings: injuries, insults, blood, the reader has a crush on taeju and taeju doesn’t know, drugs, gangsters stuff. Slight mention of sexual activities. Mention of death several times. If there’s something else tell me.

✨No usage of Y/N

Third POV:

Feet steps echoed the hotel room where she stayed close to the infamous Jung Tae Ju, he hated her guts. Of course he should hate her she’s the daughter of that one family that betrayed Dongcheon, she was on the run for several months avoiding getting herself killed by Taeju’s cold hands.

She shared a history with Taeju though, before everything went downhill, she was only 17 years old and she was growing that little crush on Taeju. In her perspective he was tall, handsome and everything she wanted basically for a teenager. Although he was way older than her, he was in his late 20’s when they first met.

When she turned 18 her father decided to throw her a huge birthday party and invited Choi Mujin. Of course Mujin won’t come alone he would drag Taeju with him. It was their first interaction, he wished her a happy birthday and gave her the present he bought. She was a blushing mess, she thanked him in a very timid voice. He was just acting emotionless and professional like always. He was clueless about her little crush over him.

Time passed and she turned 20, she got more involved with her family business, more interactions with him, exchanging information, drug deals and lots and lots of money. And her little crush turned into something bigger.

She won’t forget the very first time he touched her like a man would touch a woman. She was only 21 when she got shot, a single bullet to her thigh, he was the only one not busy while both your father and Mujin had to deal with someone. Taeju was the one who took out the person who shooted her, she felt like it’s true love. That night after he helped her with her wounds she was the one who made the first move, a very soft kiss on the corner of his lips, he was confused maybe it was the pain killer she took. He connected their lips together, he’s after all a man who is stressed out and she was a very fine woman in his eyes, he didn’t have any romantic feelings for her though. The night air was very thick as they slept in the same bed, sweaty and relaxed.

That didn’t become a habit, because soon everything was crashing down. Her father betrayed Choi Mujin. At the same time she was in Taeju’s embrace, he got the call, he knew what to do, but he didn’t, he didn’t kill her, he informed her about her father’s betrayal and gave her time to get the fuck out of his sight. It was humiliating. She was treated like a prostitute, and she didn’t even blame Taeju for his actions.

Soon after that incident, she learned that her father was a stupid man, he did that to get his hands on the drugs all over South Korea and to get his only daughter killed. She was the only inheritor of her mother’s wealth, since her beloved mother died in a car accident it’s been clear that her father has set it up. So she learned her father wanted to inherit all that money from her.

She ran away, after several months she send a message to Taeju explaining everything, explaining she was a victim too. He saw the messages, no response though. One day Dongcheon found her hideout, 3 men were sent to kill her one of them was him, Jung Taeju, she managed to escape for the second time but with several wounds from Taeju’s pocket knife. He wasn’t aiming for several cuts but to end her that day. What she doesn’t know that her father was dead the day after she left Taeju’s arms.

It’s difficult time for both of them, she is hurting physically and emotionally, he wasn’t able to kill her with an ease as he thought, he learned that as he hated her he loved her more.

They decided to put an end to this situation. She went to Choi Mujin’s hotel, she knows Taeju would be there. Taeju at the same time he decided to face her, kill her, hug her maybe. He was confused. He reached her side at the hotel room, left all of his weapons and his logical mind out side the room.

“ Taeju..” she said softly with a nervous sigh. He almost lost his cool the way she said his name, he was weak for her voice. “I want to sort things out, your father is dead the day you left my home.” Taeju informed her, she didn’t feel sorry for her father, she stayed silent nodding to him to continue, “It means you’re the one now in charge of your family business and your family did betray Dongcheon-“ she cut him off “I never wanted this life, I’m not responsible for my father decisions, that bastard killed my mother, and he tried to kill me too, my life is fucked up!” She exploded with tears, it wasn’t easy for her to cry in front of someone.

Pity filled Taeju’s eyes, her father betrayal for her was way worse than his betrayal for Dongcheon. He lowerd his head not knowing what to say next, she moved closer to him with a small pocket knife in her hands he recognized it, it was her 18’s birthday present, he’s the one pick it up at the store and request to carve her initials on it. She puts that knife in his hands “Please end everything here, don’t make me feel this pain anymore I-“ he cuts her off placing the knife on the coffée table at his side and cupped her face with both hands to place a kiss on her lips, it was deep, said many things without saying a thing. He broke the kiss and looked her in the eyes “We don’t have to be this way, I can’t kill you, I just can’t..” he said with a very soft tone, a tone she never heard from him before, it was a tone you’d hear between two lovers. She felt for the very first time she is loved. Taeju for the very first time he is in love.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: Two Can Play by Ali Hazelwood

4.25/5. Releases 10/1/2024.

The Vibes: video games, workplace rivals, snowed in, pining

Heat Index: 7/10

The Basics:

Rival indie video game design companies end up on a work retreat to collaborate on a new project. The problem for lead designer Viola? Her co-lead is Jesse, the quiet expert she had a crush on for years... until, of course, he made it very clear that he wasn't interested. They're equally invested in making this project a success, however. And as the snow falls, extending the retreat even further, Jesse and Viola realize there's a lot more to their friction than what initially met the eye.

The Review:

So cute! I needed something quick and refreshing, and this was exactly it. With a heavy dose of heat, especially for how quick a read (listen? This is a Spotify exclusive and audio only) it is. I actually started the book a little curious as to whether or not it would feel too crunched; it's half or less than half the listening length of a typical Hazelwood audiobook. But it kind of worked perfectly?

The retreat is key, I think. This is going to be perfect as the autumn and winter temperatures close in. I loved the details of the retreat, the snow, the hot tubs, the warm beds... it was all very cozy, and coziness is absolutely in Hazelwood's wheelhouse. However, it's never a boring coziness. The snap of her dialogue, the humor in the character dynamics, keeps it from being slow even when it's wholesome. Which is easier said than done!

Viola and Jesse are charming, likable leads. Speaking of Hazelwood's wheelhouse—nothing here reinvents her wheel. Which I think is less "big guy, small heroine, they are nerds" and more "He's into her from afar but for reasons can't act on it and she interprets his ambivalence as loathing" (though Not in Love was a notable exception). Personally, I think she does it very well, and as long as I'm entertained, I'm good with it.

You're not going to be shocked by the fact that Jesse's feelings for Viola may be more complicated than she thought. I found his reasoning to be pretty solidly realistic, even if the problem could've been resolved sooner. It's a normal miscommunication to me. Not too dramatic, not too slight. Just right.

I found the video game backdrop pretty fun and not too difficult to follow (I say as someone who knows approximately nothing about video games). I actually really liked the insight on the art of designing a video game, which I've always been tangentially aware of but enjoyed learning more about. There was a sweet, not super subtle but still fun, connection between the love story and the game—and speaking of? Kinda want to play the game now.

Side note: There's a subplot that's not quite a secondary romance between Jesse and Viola's bosses... I want SO much more of that situationship. I'd take a whole book, Ali!

The Sex:

OOH BUT THIS WAS SO GOOD? And I didn't expect it. I mean, Ali always writes good sex scenes, but I kind of thought this might skimp a little since it's on the shorter side. But uh... no. You get several sex scenes, and they're all very hot (I didn't expect THAT in a quick book, but I wasn't mad about it) while also maintaining a bit of emotional softness.

But what I loved most about the sex scenes was how confident Viola is. She's a good lay! Jesse's very overwhelmed! We love an overwhelmed hero!

It's quick, it's to the point, it's going to scratch your itch for a Hazelwood "nerds in love and also banging" book. And it's ideal for fall and winter.

On an audiobook note, Kelsey Navarro Foster did a great job with this one. This format served the book well; it felt like a little treat. I'd definitely recommend, especially if you're going through a bit of a reading slump.

Thanks to NetGalley and Spotify Audiobooks for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[nbrook29]

Some thoughts on s3

I just need to get it off my chest:

I missed the casual intimacies this season. We got so many Wilmon seasons being cute, and yet I missed those little things in between, something that a better director would come up with, something we had in season 1, some improv

I don’t know whether it was a directorial choice or Edvin’s choice, but Wille comes off as an asshole multiple times this season. There’s some warmth about him missing, some tenderness. Even the questionable lines on page could’ve been saved by a different acting choice, different delivery and more of that caring that was present in Wille’s character in previous seasons. Fr, I felt sorry for Simon several times. He doesn’t deserve to be a punching bag

Can Wille FOR ONCE STOOD UP FOR SIMON PLS when he is being mocked smh

Sara and August getting back together (cause I'm assuming this is going to happen) is something I don't understand at all - it's not going to magically be ok now for Simon and Felice that she's dating him so??? And his explanation for his behavior was basically that he was bullied as a first year so he wanted to be on the other side xd Not to mention that he calls people like Sara "poor white trash" in this very season

The storytelling is all over the place. It's a montage of scenes (cute ones and fights) that don't have logical follow-ups

Boyfriendy scenes from ep1 and 2 was adorable, but as the season progresses it's difficult to enjoy them when they keep NOT communicating about things that matter and when your opinion on Wille's behavior takes a dive

It's funny how most people thought the Royal Court is gonna be so against Wilmon etc and it's gonna be the biggest problem between them, but it turned out to be not that at all. And yet, Wilmon STILL doesn't work as a couple, and they don't face problems together, they just fight. As someone here already said, they're in lust more than in love tbh

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

BUBBLES!!! okay first um are you okay babes???? I'm kinda worried about you so please keep me updated and tell me how you're feeling!

I promised a headcanon today so here I am!! and I'm gonna talk a bit about Ellie (because she's baby <3)

So you're welcome to expand as much as you want but basically, in my mind, Reader/you and Ellie are very close. There is this very nurturing and motherly bond between the two of you even if you're close in age and you're not her mom. Just like Joel, you feel the need to protect her and make sure she's okay but you actually are open about it. Joel adores her but he's quite clumsy with his feelings and their relationship is just based on the both of them 'acting tough' With you, it's different and when you arrive in Jackson, your caring nature becomes even more indispensable than before. You may ask why as you're all safe, you have a house, food, etc...but because you're not surviving anymore you have to find a new rhythm, discover what 'living' means and for a kid like Ellie who only knew the cruel, harsh world within the QZ, it is particularly difficult. She can't form a bond with children her age and she's also deeply traumatized from the different tragedies in her young life. And she relies on you a lot. I'm going to use the word 'clingy' but really, not as a negative remark. It's just that her development is a bit...backwards? Her early childhood until her teenage years were spent in force independence when she needed love and stability the most. So now that she has this 'stability' she finds herself completely lost and she doesn't know what to do, all she can hold on to is you. Of course, you allow her and encourage that behavior because it's important for her to feel safe and to finally have this 'normalcy' you've known from your early years. Anyway, you have a very close relationship with Ellie and it quickly became a habit that she slept with you while you were camping. Nights were often very cold and it was easy to get scared in the middle of the forest so naturally, you started bringing your sleeping bags together. That habit certainly didn't stop once you arrived in Jackson. Every night, you would take some time after dinner, etc...to tuck Ellie in, make sure she knows she can tell you anything she needs to talk about, remind her you and Joel are right down the hall and kiss her goodnight. Ellie will probably never admit it out loud but the attention and the love you give her make her feel all sorts of ways, it's so pure she almost wants to cry when you treat her with a gentleness she's never been accustomed to before. There are some nights though where Ellie feels worse than others. Sometimes she wakes up screaming from a nightmare and you and Joel found yourself rushing to her bedroom, holding her until she calms down. Sometimes, she wakes up randomly in the middle of the night and she just can't sleep. Sometimes she just needs you. Like tonight.

Aaaaand that's it for tonight!! what do we think?

I really really really hope you're already feeling better when you find this or at least that it could bring you some comfort and yeah, take care of yourself my little bubble ily <3

-🪷

Anh let's break it down.

She's seen way too much for a 14 year old. Done things that no kid should do at age like that as well. Of course it had scared her. Being an orphan, loosing people she loves, never having anyone to lean on had left her broken. So the fact that you, someone who had shown her emotions aka love, care, affection and so on. You are her main source of comfort. Cause now after 14 years of trying to survive on her own she actually has someone who cares.

It scares Ellie though. Probably even more than Joel but since she's a child she very naturally leans to the nurturing mother role that you hold. Because everything in her body is telling her that that's safety, that that's where she wouldn't have to be afraid. For that fact alone I think that the whole adaptation period in Jackson where everyone is like pufff there's nothing to be scared of here would be extremely hard for her. Because big walls, lots man with guns might read safe for most but it ain't for Ellie. So she requires your nurturing even more. She gets worried more easily, her brain still searches for bad things, for a way that she could lose this all.

I think you would be sleeping with her for the first week or so. The room feels strange, the hallway to your room is way too long and way too dark. She's not used to staying in a house. The sheets fell weird. Everything is way too comfy. I feel like you would find her on the floor the first couple of nights. And no matter how much you'll try to convince her to sleep in the bed, she just wouldn't do it. So you have little sleepovers on the floor instead.

You and Joel encourage Ellie to speak about the fears in head. Both sharing your own worries and how communicating them to someone you trust is a great way to let it go and to see a different perspective. But there's never any pushing in it. It she just wants to sit in silence that's what you three will do. Joel is big on taking her out to the farm so she could be around animals. Sticks around to watch her pet them and feed them. Challenging her to a pun war once in a while.