#and i know i made a post about her being kind of? homophobic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

acciocriativity · 18 days ago

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... MEET CUTE? - A POLY!ATEEZ ONE SHOT

Ateez Masterlist

Pairing: Non-idol!Ateez x Non-idol!Ateez (established romantic relationship); Non-idol!Ateez x Non-idol fem!reader (platonic); Yunho x reader focused (platonic)

Genre: fluff, tiniest bit of angst

Warnings: implied mention of a homophobic father; one suggestive comment; a lot of loose ends that may or may not thighned up in future;

WC: 3, 4k

N/A: This concept has been on my mind for a few weeks now, so here it is! BTW, I really missed posting here. Hey, pretty people ��

When you moved away from home to attend Seoul University, it felt like the world suddenly became bigger in front of your eyes. You remembered all of your mother’s warnings about how it would be harder now, more responsibilities and obligations would be coming your way, how it would be different from the relatively small high school you were used to. Of course, it was all true, and it was hard to adapt at first. However, you didn’t have the heart to tell her that college was nothing but a bigger high school if you met the right people. That was always the impression you had when the name “Jeong Yunho” was mentioned, or God forbid, if he ever walked by one of your friends.

One of the first lessons you learned was that an A-list celebrity wouldn’t have a chance against Yunho. You knew that for sure because someone made an online poll on the college forum for people to vote on it a while ago.

Some knew him by his excellence in hockey back in middle and high school, which still stands untouchable for his age. At least, that’s what you heard from one of your roommates.

“People dug it in the news?”. You were flabbergasted. You looked up from the open notebook on your small desk to your friend, who showed you the photo from an old news article back in 2007.

It was no surprise that prestige and recognition could get anyone far in life. It was much less surprising that people’s eyes shined at someone who had it all. But the lack of having better things to do was truly impressive. You knew you had 3 essays and a quiz coming up, so that effort would never cross your mind.

“I know, right? But don’t you think he was kind of cute then?”

It was a blurry picture of him on the ice, his face barely there. Still, the number 9 on his back clear as day.

“Yeah, kind of…”. Your voice trailed away as you read the small lines under the photo. “Don’t you wonder why he stopped?”

Others had the chance to cross paths with him in a way or another. That took up most of the surrounding rumors to this day. He was an angel, a true Disney Prince and no photo could ever make him justice, which you believed as much as the next person. You knew he was on the last year now, so the fangirling died down from the original fuss. It was worse then, you guessed.

Still, people were fascinated by him in a way that fascinated you. As far as you were concerned, he could drop everything and become a true movie star, a legendary hockey player for the national team or a worldwide famous model, yet here he is, a diligent student on a path to continue his father’ legacy someday and everyone loved and admired him for that. He truly had it all, but wouldn’t those same people take everything away from him if they could? But who are you to say anything, right? You only ever known him by name and a vague description of how much tall and handsome he was, what would you know.

If his father saw them, no, if he ever dreamed about both of them being anything more… his father would never step foot in a place like this. Those thoughts plagued his mind in moments like these, so it took him some effort to think rationally again. The cold sweat only made him more uncomfortable, waiting for his boyfriend in a simple chair in the so familiar corner of their favorite restaurant was never this nerve-wracking. The window showcased the snow slowly cascading outside. It was supposed to be a nice date, the first snow of the year and all of that, so why. was. he. still. alone?

No sign of an answer from Mingi, he checked his messages again to be sure.

There was no denying that Yunho was an impatient man. He never knew how to wait to get what he wanted, that also apply to have a nice alone time with his boyfriend.

The bell ringing from the entrance bell caught his attention and he fixed his hair on instinct, but it wasn’t Mingi.

There was a uncomfortable pressure slowly forming on Yunho’s chest as he tried yet another failed phone call. Mingi would never have stood him up like this, something must’ve happened. He debated calling Hongjoong, who was still working late shifts and Yunho knew how busy he’s been, nobody really called him at work unless it was a true emergency. So he called Seonghwa instead.

He did his best to seem as casual as he could. Mingi wasn’t picking up his calls, has he left the house yet? It seemed calm enough. Seonghwa told him about a massive traffic congestion on a main street close to their house, but he only seemed to breathe properly when the forgotten phone was found on the couch. Seonghwa tried to ask him if things were alright and he was quick to say yes. They exchanged ‘i love you’s and Seonghwa said something like ‘don’t get home too late’, which made Yunho laugh, because he was the one who told them to “have fun wink wink”. He hang up feeling a bit better.

Mingi was on his way, he only had to be a bit more patient.

His little bubble popped when Mister Kim left a warm drink on his table.

“I didn’t order this, Mister Kim”, Yunho said in a soft yet warning tone as he looked up at the old man smiling at him. “I said I was going to pay for everything today”.

He already drank two cups of coffee in a span of 15 minutes, which he insisted on paying overprice for. Mister Kim is too good for him own sake, and he was away too nice to Yunho and Mingi, both boys he took under his wing a long time ago.

“This one wasn’t me, I swear on the Lord’s name”, Mister Kim said quickly. “This one is from the nice lady who just left”, he whispered as he leaned in.

“Is it? And somehow she guessed my favorite order, hm?”

“Just enjoy it, wouldn’t you? Stubborn boy, tsc, consider it an act of kindness after a rough day”. Mister Kim left shortly after, just as stubborn.

Yunho was speechless for a moment, but couldn’t help his smile. Usually, he doesn’t accept drinks or anything really from “ladies”, knowing well the intentions and feelings behind it. Mister Kim really was too kind for his own good, wasn’t he? Yunho knew he suggested the drink, more than willing to make it for him. Was he really having such a rough day enough for a stranger and Mister Kim himself to notice? However, that was a thought for later, when he finished the warm green tea.

It was only after Mingi and him helped Mister Kim close the restaurant, that he noticed the small “cheer up, bro” written in a black marker on the cup with no pickup line and no phone number.

What a wake-up call right there.

Mingi almost broke his neck from laughing when he saw it. That’s when Yunho decided right then and there he liked that lady, whoever she was.

By the time you were back to that restaurant a week later, you only remembered the taste of the best moon cakes you’ve ever had in a while. You always crave some when you missed your mom’s desserts, but none ever got close to hers as those. Hopefully, there’s still some left to take home with you.

The place itself wasn’t modern by any means, it felt like a voyage back to your childhood the moment you first came in. You were desperate to escape the cold and the smell of fresh coffee and baked cake led you right to the front door that first night. Although old-fashioned to its core, every surface seemed pretty clean and organized. The soft music playing was a plus for you, so you slowly walked to the empty front counter.

This time was no different, except the distinct smell of strawberries and the fact that there was no client in sight. The nice old man was cleaning one of the tables while humming along, it seemed like that was his favorite song. Since he was in no rush to greet you, you slowly looked through the displayed options, happy to see 3 moon cakes left.

“Excuse me, sir?”. You looked at the man once again. He was now working on another table, but he stopped humming, so you took as a sign to keep going. “Perhaps is there a strawberry cake on the oven right now?”

“Do you like strawberries?”, he asked as he took off his gloves and looked in your direction. His tone was as soft as the first time. He really doesn’t look like he ever yells.

“Oh, yes, I do. It’s my all-time favorite flavor”. You couldn’t help the excited tone on your voice. Strawberry cake always meant something good happened, the only good luck charm you still believe in.

“Really?”, he chuckled. “It’s a shame not a lot of people think like you these days. It rarely sold in the past, so I only make it for special occasions”

You nodded, trying not to look so disappointed. “I understand. Would it be possible to place an order for it? I know it’d be an inconvenience and I don’t mind waiting as long as it’s needed to”.

This time he laughed wholeheartedly, so much so his eyes seemed to disappear. You were surprised to say the least at how delighted he was. “Of course, I could. Why don’t you come back later in the evening? I’ll have one ready to-go”

“Wait, really? Thank you so much, thank you”, you bowed down as many times as it felt right to, which he was quick to wave it off. “Before I leave, can I have those 3 moon cakes?”.

Your hopeful eyes amused him to no end. You were an expressive person, it reminded him of someone dear to him, and he could tell you seemed kind and genuine, the type of client he wanted in his restaurant around his boys.

“A diverse taste bud, I see”.

“It’s thanks to my mom”, you smiled and your eyes lighted up when you mentioned her.

You felt like it was your lucky day as you watched him pack your order.

You felt mortified as you hugged the neatly packed strawberry cake in your hands.

Slowly, you blinked as you processed the name you just heard from the tables on the left. There were three round tables together, around 8 boys in total. They were impossible not to notice as soon as you came in the late evening, because not only they were loud, they were all well-dressed and good looking. Maybe there are truly God’s favorites, it was your only thought about them before you moved over to the counter. But now you were sure you heard the name Yunho in the middle of their conversation and you brain stopped working for a second. That was not in your Christmas bingo card. If it was the Yunho you thought it was, then you were just being weird for no reason. It’s not like he was an actual celebrity. But if it wasn’t him, then it was even worse to you. Maybe you were too invested in those silly conversations you had with your friends.

“Miss Strawberry, are you alright?”, Mister Kim, you found out his name, stared at you with genuine concern.

You stood paralyzed in the front counter.

“Yes! Yes, I am”. Your voice reached a few octaves higher and you looked down as you felt some stares on you, your hair covering the left side of your face. “Can I have those, please?”. You didn’t even see what you pointed at on the display, you could only see your reflection. Why were you even hiding? There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you did nothing wrong.

“All of them?”

“Yes, all of it, please”, you said as you suddenly stood tall again.

The determination of your face was enough to tell him you were being serious and he had to try hard not to laugh at your expression.

“Yunho, can you come here for a moment?”, Mister Kim gestured for him to come fast as he moved to grab some to-go bags.

That was enough to direct everyone’s attention to you. Then, it downed on you how silent, except a few whispers, the small restaurant became. There was no music playing, which only now you were able to notice it. Those boys’ voices took so much space and created a new kind of ambiance to the point you didn’t notice the soft hum you became such a fan of. But now that it was all gone, you felt awkward and out of place. At the same time you knew nobody really cared about you, there was an immense pressure on your shoulders to act like they did.

“Can you bend down and help me bag all of the croissants?, Mister Kim asked.

Yunho, who was quick on his feet, started to work with a smile on his face. Even if he wasn’t asked to do so, he’d jump to help as soon as he saw it. The display was too low and Mister Kim’s back is not the same anymore.

“Are you taking the back pain pills the doctor told you to?”, Yunho’s tone was light, but he seemed genuine on his concern.

You heard some murmurs as an answer, but your focus was elsewhere.

After a quick glance anyone could tell that Yunho was as tall and handsome as the Jeong Yunho. But what does that even proves? Yunho was a good name to give a child? You were intrigued, the possibility was there after all. The normal man in front of you could be the Jeong Yunho, which if true, would leave you a little bit upset. You heard Yunho was nice, of course he was, but not ‘helping a grandma cross the street’ kind of nice like this. If that was true, people would have to put more credit on the man’s name, he’d be truly just fucking perfect.

Unbeknownst to you, Yunho’s glance on your direction was as quick, but he didn’t remember seen you there before nor he ever heard of a “Miss Strawberry”. Nonetheless, he was happy the restaurant was getting new costumers.

“Making him work on his birthday, you’re mean Mister Kim”, someone said from one of the tables, the light teasing tone made it clear they knew each other for a long time now.

Although those words weren’t meant for you, still, it was you fault he was helping out on his birthday. Yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop him now that he started it. Yunho worked in a efficient and smooth manner, like that was his day job to do so.

“It’s alright”, Yunho said, but nobody seemed to notice but you, it felt like it was for you after all.

“Should I call you instead, Wooyoung?”, Mister Kim said in a serious tone and the boy was quick to apologize and stuff his mouth with the same strawberry cake you had.

After that, the room slowly filled up again with small conversations here and there while Yunho whispered to Mister Kim and once in a while, met your eyes with a gentle smile on his face. The light exchanges were interesting, but you tried not to pay much attention on the words, because you felt like you were intruding on something you were not supposed to, like coming to a friend’s house while they were having family dinner.

The bags of croissants soon took up the whole space on the counter. At the end, there were 9 bags waiting to go home with you and would’ve be impossible for you to carry everything on your own with the cake bag.

“Mister Kim, don’t you happen to have a giant bag, do you?”

He wasn’t sure he had one big enough, still, he went to look for something and this time, he did asked for Wooyoung’s help.

“I can help, Mister Kim”, Yunho said.

“You can help making some company to the nice lady and maybe thank her as well for the tea”, he said as he walked to the back, leaving you just as speechless as the man in front of you.

Yunho saw how surprised you seemed as you realized it was him all along and couldn’t help but chuckle. Now he didn’t feel as bad for not noticing you that day, you didn’t stop to do so yourself.

“You seem caught off guard”, he said as he giggled to himself. Your expression went from shock to embarrassment, he could read you like an open book, which was a nice change of pace. Now that he had a good look, he understood what a deer caught in red lights actually meant, you truly looked like one.

“I’m so sorry, you were in a dark corner and I just thought you seemed a bit upset, I didn’t mean to be rude or anything like that at all and…”

You were rambling, you didn’t know how to stop yourself this time. Your face was hot, you could feel it and the fact that he was actually giggling wasn’t helping your case at all.

Maybe you wouldn’t have stopped talking if you haven’t heard a “hey” that grabbed your attention.

“Are you the green tea lady from last week?”, one of the boys asked you. The first thing you noticed was that he was kind of tall for something sitting down and had a pretty smile.

“Yeah, I am. Didn’t know I got a nickname though”, you managed to say after you took a few seconds to breathe again.

“Would you like to come sit with us?”, the same boy asked again. He had that chill guy kind of voice, that anything he said was cool, laid back and pretty simple.

Now you were truly jealous, that’s how you wanted to when you grew up. You tend to forget there’s people like that, on the other extreme of you.

“Hum, I don’t want to intrude in your gathering, I was on my way home”.

“If that’s the only reason, then let me tell you you’re not intruding. You can take my word for it since it’s my birthday party”, Yunho said and you felt he was sincere with the invite.

Whether he was Jeong Yunho or not, you decided then you liked him.

BONUS SCENE

“Are you all sure it’s alright? No one is going to feel left out if I only take Mingi out?”, Yunho asked once again his six boyfriends.

This was a serious matter to him as he fears he prioritizes Mingi a little much sometimes, even when he tries so hard to give equal love and attention to them all. It’s a constant fighting battle for him, when it doesn’t need to be. This much was said countless times before, yet here he is feeling guilt for nothing.

Jongho felt like they were in a movie or something, because there was no plausible reason for them to be whispering to each other in the small kitchen while Mingi was showering, especially not over this.

“Yes, we are sure. Don’t we all know how he is?”, Jongho asked as he looked around the table and he saw San nodding along. It was a no-brainer for him. Mingi was just… Mingi, there was no other explanation needed.

“He’s going to love the idea, that’s all that matters”, Yeosang said in agreement.

“Isn’t he the sweetest, hum hum? Caring about our feelings and all that”, Wooyoung teased as he pinched Yunho cheeks and anything he could get away with that moment. “You loooveee us so much, don’t you?”, he hugged Yunho for the nth time this morning.

Yunho stared him down, a failed attempt to seem intimidating. He was way too soft with Wooyoung, that’s why he’s such a brat.

“That’s right, unfortunately I do”.

“What the fuck do you mean unfortu- OW! Meanie, we never said slapping as a punishment”, Wooyoung caressed the reddening spot Jongho slapped on.

Jongho only shrugged.

“We should get going, Mingi is going to be suspicious of us like this”, Hongjoong said as he lightly pushed Jongho out of the kitchen.

“Th’is unfair”, Wooyoung whined on Yunho’s chest, who could only giggle at the scene.

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saltpepperbeard · 1 year ago

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Call It Through as a Crew: Alleviating Some Phone Anxiety

Hello everyone! So as you probably already know, there has been a recent call to make, well, calls! Another member of our crew figured out that the max customer service line (855-442-6629) is a very effective way to get our feedback heard, as the feedback gets transcribed and shared to a multitude of teams.

I already sort of briefly shared my experience on this post, but I wanted to go a bit more in detail to offer some solace for those who are also phone averse, as well as share resources and get the word out even more.

And y'all, when I say I'm phone averse, I mean PHONE AVERSE LMAO; MY FEET WERE SWEATING JSDKLS LIKE I WAS FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. So I totally, TOTALLY get it, and am here to walk you through everything in detail!

So I called that number and was on a brief hold--probably like 5 minutes or so. The customer service representative (Margot my bestie Margot) then picked up, and asked for the email associated with my account as well as my full name.

I was extremely extremely worried and anxious about being bothersome/annoying the person on the other end and just being able to feel it in their tone, so I was shivering and sweating all the while. But then when she asked for my reason for calling, I said, "Oh, it's actually in regard to some feedback," and she went, "Is it for Our Flag Means Death?"

And we both laughed, and I was like, "Haha how did you knooooowww?" And she laughed some more and was like, "Let me tell you, I have never seen anything like this in all my years working here. We are getting so many calls. It's incredible."

And by that point, a large weight was off my chest because she was friendly, I was friendly, EVERYONE WAS FRIENDLY.

I laughed and told her that we were a very passionate and concerned bunch, and she told me that she thought that was so cool and also super important. She then allowed me to tell her my feedback, and she transcribed it as I talked. This was the little script I had prepared in case you'd like to reference it:

I just wanted to call and express my disappointment, dissatisfaction, and concern with the recent cancellation of Our Flag Means Death on Max. As a queer person myself, this show has a tremendous impact on me. And in a climate where so many diverse and LGBT-centric shows have unjust ends, I’d just like to express my wish for reconsideration, and just the hope that…Max will allow LGBT stories like ours to live and flourish. And I’m really worried about there being some kind of…homophobic angle to the cancellation, so it would mean the world to myself and so many others if the decision could be reversed, and we could get our third and final season.

I went a little graver than originally planned, because I saw talks that taking a DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) angle, as well a "hey I'm a queer person and this feels like a decision made for a nefarious purpose" angle, are supposedly more likely to be noted.

Anyway, she allowed me to say my piece and wrote it all down, and then actually stayed with me on the line to chat a bit more. So, the phone call didn't feel rushed or anxious which was SO so huge to me; it felt far more conversational.

She was like, "I don't want to toot our little horn or anything, but Max really takes all this feedback into consideration. It will be passed to the properties team (or something equivalent, I can't remember the EXACT term she used), and they're in charge of what goes on Max and why. So, I really feel like you guys have a fighting chance with these efforts."

And of course I was thanking her profusely for telling me all of this, and for listening; polite menace, that will be my brand!

But man, the coolest part of all? She told me that she was POC, and a queer person herself, and that this was all so cool and so amazing to see. She applauded our efforts, and expressed interested in the show. I laughed and said, "Well uhhhh I might have a BIT of a bias, but I cannot recommend it enough."

And then she proceeded to tell me that it might be even MORE effective to hit from different angles. So, keep calling (they're available 24/7), and also keep utilizing the online feedback form. Basically just keep FLOODING them with how much this means to us and why.

I then expressed a lot of gratitude, we exchanged pleasantries, and there was a brief survey at the end. I don't think the survey is necessary, so you can probably hang up by this point, but I stuck around for a little more horsepower. It tells you to rate the customer service on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the highest, and you know I gave my bestie a fivvvveee. It also tells you to press 1/2 if your issue was resolved or not. I said HELL TO THE NO, DUDE SJDKLS. And THEN, it asks you to leave a voice message after the tone describing your experience. I said that I was with the customer service representative Margot, and that she was extremely friendly and helpful, but that the issue at hand will not be resolved until Max reserves their decision about the recent cancellation of Our Flag Means Death (I'm also always saying the show title in full as opposed to just the acronym, just for more OOMPH).

...And thennnn I proceed to shake it/shriek it all off LMAO.

Buuuut yeah! Probably took a total of 10 minutes or so. @xoxoemynn also shared with me that she's seen people say that these customer service representatives likely deal with older folks who need help with technology, and are subsequently stunned (and maybe even excited) to talk to younger people who just want to voice concerns instead of chew the poor customer service people out lol! And Margot also mentioned that they were eager to take calls no matter what, so as long as we're all polite and succinct, I don't think we'll have to worry about a very tense and awkward call.

I hope this alleviates some fear a bit! We got this, crew. We're doing so, so much. And it seems like it's being heard all over the place; it also seems like we've got so many people on our side, too. Big big hugs, and I'll share the necessary resources once more-

Customer Service Number: (855) 442-6629

The Online Feedback Form:

The original tumblr post with all the information:

The tumblr post where Fox and others were sharing even more information:

#OFMD #Our Flag Means Death #OFMD Season 3 #Renew as a crew #SaveOFMD #RenewOFMD #Be a lighthouse #WHEW LMAO #WE'RE TRYING #i told em this but you KNOW it's dire when all the anxious/nd individuals are cALLING PEOPLE SJDSHDLKS #WE SIMPLY: DO NOT DO THAT EVER <3 SKDJLSDS #IF WE CAN HELP IT #SO IT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING #And also again-- just want to reiterate that this is great practice for calling local representatives and politicians too!#ESPECIALLY if you're phone averse #It just gets you used to the whole process in a BIT of a less formal scenario

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thegayloragenda · 2 months ago

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Okay I want to put all of my current predictions out here (these are subject to change, of course):

• I think this show is going to get a little more colorful or a little bit more gay with each show because I think she’s running out the clock.

• I am CLOWNING for an eventual pronoun change during surprise songs.

• I think Karlie will probably show up again. And if she shows up for the rep announcement I will die dead.

• I’m also clowning for a rainbow variation of every outfit or perhaps a debutation variation if she plans to drop them together. Maybe a karma outfit. Idk. I don’t really know what is coming next in regard to music or if there will be anything (what if she just went black out for a year and then dropped rep next December 😂).

• I’m split because I think she’s either going to continue this Travis stunt until the Super Bowl or she’ll break up with him while on tour (if it’s real that’s totally fine but the way this relationship has been crammed down our throats gives me the ick so bad). I have no idea how that breakup will go down especially since they’ve made an entire Christmas movie about this relationship.

• I’m still assuming we’ll get a proposal / breakup.

Overall, I don’t think Taylor Swift would pander to this side of the fandom the way she has if she didn’t have a plan to blow everything up. I assume she’s a good person. I assume she’s supportive of the fans who see her. I’ve been in this fandom long enough to know what it looks like when she’s in the closet and when she isn’t. The closet isn’t even glass anymore. The closet is just invisible at this point so if she’s just a straight girl who loves rainbows, she’s absolutely diabolical in the very worst ways.

And before anyone comes for me, yes she can be bi or pan or whatever she wants to be. I don’t care about muses or labels. I notice patterns and I can’t help but connect the dots. I see bi and lesbian dresses and her calling attention to them so that’s where my focus is. I care about freedom for her (whatever that looks like) and I also think some clarity about who she actually is will help a lot of us decide if we want to keep supporting her and giving her our money. I’m placing my bet on her being who I think she is so I’m here to support her until the end of this roller coaster ride.

I will make a post on the final day of this tour but I just want to say this: I have had the TIME OF MY LIFE in this labyrinth. I have made lifelong friends because of this side of the fandom. Thank you to ALL of my friends on here who have followed me and commented on my posts and said such kind things. Thank you to everyone who has messaged me their insights and theories. And finally, thank you to my fans who have messaged me your homophobic, brain-rotted hate comments. Good luck in the aftermath!

And to Taylor (if you ever see this), thank you for keeping my mind so stimulated. I will probably never get dementia because of you. You have been so good for my brain health. Thank you for teaching me about my own history as a queer girlie. Thank you for helping me heal my relationship with my neurodivergent self. Thank you for being the “mother” who saw me when my own mother just talks about how gross and wrong gay people are. Thank you for being kind and strong and brave in the face of shame and fear and danger. Thank you for leading a revolution of New Romantics! No one does it like you, girl. I love you so much. I hope you got a giggle over the chaos and the wrong predictions. I hope this tour brought you joy and hope and peace and healing. I know I haven’t always seen eye to eye with some of your choices, but I do respect you and I do hope the rest of your life is sunshine and rainbows and you get to hug your mom forever and take really long naps with your person after all of this is over. Long live 💜

Update: I do think the election plays a big role in how loud she can be. @casuallycruel131313 pointed this out, too. We’ll get way more once Kamala has been elected! I think Canada shows will be wildddd.

#gaylor #taylor swift #kaylor #swiftgron #lgbetty

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thecoolerliauditore · 5 months ago

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long post: the neck kisses playlist on joel's spotify is about jimmy (and kind of etho too a little bit)

it's not actually about jimmy it very much is not about jimmy. however I had visions when I listened to it and I know at least one person really wants me to put this into words so

"I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore" is a pretty straightforward song about Awsten Knight's post-break-up life as well as his frustrations with his fanbase.

The feelings post-break-up are described as freeing, hence the title ".. don't wanna die anymore" but the ending of the song hints at some nagging regret despite that, with the desperate repeating mantra of "but I think it's fine, it's cool"

While I don't think all of these songs signify chronology (and some I don't think are literal at all unless c!Joel has some weird daddy issue lore I'm unaware of), I do like to think the start of the playlist calls to pre-3L jimmy/joel, most specifically their relationship in x-life.

In x-life, Joel establishes a totally-not-cult religion he dubs "Jeremyism", Jimmy being his first member after he fails to trick Lizzie into joining. He later gives up his leader title, quote, "for content". Jimmy is unhappy with this development and begs Joel to stay, but Joel refuses. While their relationship in x-life would be hard to define as romantic in any sense, they were clearly fond of eachother before Joel eventually broke away.

Things get a bit hazy here since "for content" doesn't really translate to anything in-universe, but I think it's interesting to note that both the song and Joel mention an audience, specifically one that they feel the need to appease. Whether this is a metaphor or watcher lore or some secret third thing I have no idea but it sure is there 👍

In my mind, it goes like this: Jimmy and Joel meet, they hit it off, Jimmy is affectionate and Joel starts to catch feelings. Joel cuts Jimmy off for making him feel weird.

the second song in the playlist reinforces this, being a much angrier post-break-up song.

While this seems out-of-order (why does the immediate anger come after the song about life after the break-up?), I think it's interesting if you look at it from an angle of this not being fully Joel's feelings towards Jimmy, but Joel's frustration towards himself for messing it up.

with a little bit of frustration being placed on jimmy too:

pictured: joel in third life with a message from jimmy that he very much. does not answer.

personally I like to think Joel held a lot of resentment towards Jimmy in Third Life, both for homophobic reasons (i.e. you made me feel gay and now I'm gonna punish you for it) and for jealousy reasons (start of his number one scott hater arc)

this one's just in the wrong playlist first of all why does he insert this between two waterparks songs. whatever man.

anyway this song's interesting to me because it's literally just about a hot babe getting rejected by some fuck who refuses to be ball-and-chained.

there's two directions this could go imo: one is that this is, once again, evoking joel and jimmy's relationship. Joel acknowledges that he a life with Jimmy would be nice, but he refuses to settle down because it would rob him of his identity/freedom.

the other is that brandy is joel and the sailor is etho, since brandy shows an admiration for the sailor but also an awareness that he loves his job more than her

this storybook like description of how brandy saw the sailor's tales is very smalletho to me idk. very hand-in-hand with joel's child-like view of who etho is.

I don't have much for this one tbh it's pretty much just a love song and Joel really liking waterparks (king)

That being said, there's some fun imagery to play with here:

yellow = jimmy makes a lot of sense (blonde hair, canary imagery, yellow also representing people on their second life in the life series which evokes neither the assumed skillfulness of a late game green name nor the danger of a red name), as does green = joel (the green streak. shrek. yeahg. and while red joel is iconic "green like my insides" could also be read in this context as "deep down, I am safe to be around" which I think is neat)

"natural blue" is a bit harder to interpret (especially considering the original context of this being a joke about Awsten dyeing his hair) but blue is of course scott's colour. this could be read spitefully as Natural blue (was in love with jimmy first) vs scott's dyed hair or it's. joel saying that's he's gay idk man.

"at least I match your eyes" is pretty simple, with both of them having brown eyes, "jealous and hypnotized" once again alluding to some jealousy, likely towards FH again if you believe the blue line is alluding to scott.

however joel has plenty of people to be jealous of in regard to jimmy so. shrugs. hey you can even interpret this line as talking about jimmy's desirability. neat.

there's also this, which again might allude to flower husbands, implying in this fake world I've created that Joel doesn't view them as actually "married"

ok this is getting too long lmao see you guys next time i feel like writing about this stupid fucking playlist again

#random thoughts #trafficshipping #smallidarity #do i tag joel/effo if they're only mentioned like. once #nah i don't think so

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youremyheaven · 9 months ago

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Outcaste Nakshatras: The Misfits & the Misunderstood

Yesterday I made a post about how outcaste nakshatra natives tend to be anti-establishment thinkers and how many of the most well known radicals & revolutionaries of our world tend to have Outcaste nakshatras.

Outcaste or Mleccha nakshatras belong outside the caste system and aren't given a place in the caste hierarchy. Shudra nakshatras are the lowest caste to occupy the hierarchy. Mleccha is considered lower than that and thus outside the system.

(Ashlesha, Bharani, Shravana and Vishaka are the Mleccha nakshatras)

Thus it comes as no surprise that those who have Outcaste naks often experience being socially outcast, excluded and like they don't belong anywhere.

Shudra nakshatras also experience these themes to a certain degree as these two are at the lowest end of the pyramid.

Shannen Doherty (middle) was fired from 2 shows, Beverly Hills 90210 and Charmed because of issues among the cast members & rivalry between them. When she was starring in 90210, her fellow cast member Tori Spelling whose father Aaron Spelling produced the show, asked her dad to fire Shannen. Aaron Spelling also produced Charmed and subsequently fired her after 3 seasons due to her conflict with cast member Alyssa Milano, who later admitted that she was responsible for a lot of the tension at work. Rose McGowan who replaced Shannen on Charmed also accused Milano of creating a toxic work environment.

Shannen acquired a "bad girl" reputation and was known for being "difficult to work with"🙄I feel like she was pushed into a corner by her male producers and bitchy co-stars and felt excluded among them as a girl from a small town in Tennessee :(

She has Revati Sun, Vishaka Moon, Uttaraphalguni Rising and Ketu in Ashlesha

Revati is a Shudra nak whereas Vishaka & Ashlesha are Mleccha naks

Isaiah Washington was fired from Grey's Anatomy for using a homophobic slur against gay co-star T.R Knight. Washington has come out saying that this is false and that he said the f word during a dispute with Patrick Dempsey who had a tendency to provoke him (he apparently said: "Isaiah, do you know that white men are the masters of the universe?")

He also said that he was always excluded on set and they tried to pay him to NOT audition for the role. Washington also claimed that star Ellen Pompeo was given millions of dollars to stay silent about Dempsey's on-set behaviour in the #MeToo era, and alleged that she was racist, saying, “She really thinks that she’s cool with Black people like that, but she’s not.” There have been many rumours over the years about Greys being a toxic work place so tbh I am inclined to believe him.

He has Ashlesha Sun, Uttarashada Moon and Jupiter in Revati amatyakaraka

Not everyone tries to expose their former bosses or colleagues but given his Moon in a Kshatriya nakshatra (or warrior nak) I see how he's brave enough to risk everything to speak his truth.

Brendan Fraser has had a lot of setbacks in his career and for a good period he just sort of disappeared from Hollywood; in recent years he has come out saying that it's because he was blacklisted by the then President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association who had sexually assaulted him. He did make a career comeback and won an Oscar but man's been through a lot in life.

He has Jyeshta Sun, Krittika Moon & Bharani Rising

Although he has a Mleccha nak in his big 3, since he also has a Brahmin & Vaishya nak, he has enjoyed immense public support and sympathy which not very many other people on this list have. Not everybody gets to make Oscar winning comebacks either.

Tatjana Patitz was one of the 90s supers (she's the one in the back in this picture) but unlike Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington or Cindy Crawford, she's hardly ever mentioned in conversations about the 90s OG supermodels. She received very little press coverage and unlike the others who've made career comebacks or enjoyed sustained fame, Tatjana kind of vanished. She unfortunately passed away in 2023 from breast cancer and even then I haven't seen the industry mourning for her or anything :(

Tatjana had Bharani Moon

George Clooney has spoken about how in high school, he was nicknamed Frankenstein because of Bell's palsy which caused the whole left side of his face to be paralysed, his eye rarely opened and he had problems with eating. Because of the constant bullying, he had to move to another school. After a change of scenery and active sports, the disease receded.

George has Bharani Sun, Uttarashada Moon, Shatabhisha Ketu & Rising and Mercury in Krittika atmakaraka

Even though majority of his naks are Mleccha/Shudra, he subsequently became an A list actor and enjoys immense wealth, popularity and good will. His moon is in a Kshatriya nak and his atmakaraka is in a Brahmin caste nak. He fought his way up.

Amal Clooney was born in Lebanon into a well-off family but they had to flee Lebanon due to the civil war and settle in England. Amal is a human rights lawyer whose clients include refugees. (I had previously spoken about the outcaste nakshatra tendency to be anti-establishment or to dedicate their life to causes which had initially affected them personally).

Amal has Shravana Sun, Jyeshta Moon and Venus in Dhanishta atmakaraka. Due to the presence of Vaishya naks, she gets to support these causes from a position of immense privilege and champions them through her position as a lawyer, i.e, using her intellect not armed struggle or some other form of activism.

Megan Fox's career was full of ups and downs and for a period she was pretty much blacklisted from Hollywood and labelled "difficult to work with"🙄

She has Krittika Sun, Ashlesha Moon and Purvashada Rising

Even though her moon is in a Mleccha nak, due to her other luminaries being in Brahmin naks she's enjoyed immense popularity among the public for years and has always enjoyed a certain status or level of fame (largely due to her looks but honestly Hollywood is full of gorgeous women, how many enjoy the same popularity or public interest as Meghan?).

Billie Eilish, Shravana Moon grew up lower middle class and was home-schooled. Even though now she's rich & famous, she still acts like an outcast and "does not fit in".

Angelina Jolie, Revati Moon & stellium has spoken a lot about being unpopular in school, being a punk, being misunderstood. She has Mercury in Mrigashira atmakaraka and Saturn in Punarvasu as her chart ruler

Revati is a Shudra nak, Punarvasu also experiences themes of being an outcast, Mrigashira nak has themes of abuse.

It makes sense as to why she has dedicated most of her life to helping refugees and championing numerous causes and has even said if she were young now she would never have become an actor. She enjoys immense popularity and is very privileged (lots of Vaishya gana naks in her chart) but to this day she's condemned for her weird behaviour in the 90s and early 2000s and can never seem to shed her past image completely which is crazy because she's not the first or last person to have an affair with a married man (not condoning adultery just saying that it happens all the time in Hollywood and people hardly bat an eye but for her, her reputation as a homewrecker has come to define her).

Claire Nakti had done a survey on nepo babies and concluded that Revati was the most common nakshatra among them. This is very interesting to me because I feel like most Revati nepo babies including Angelina, Jamie Lee Curtis, Robert Downey Jr etc acquire fame that far exceeds that of their parents. It eclipses any privilege they already had; all these individuals are far more successful than their parents ever were. Obviously being privileged helps and this does not apply to all Revati nepo babies ofc but many people mentioned on the list are total superstars who you'd never guess came from famous families, this is to say that they're not famous for being famous or because of their families, they're icons in their own right.

And even with Angelina, she grew up with a single mom and was estranged from her dad for most of her life so her upbringing was rather modest even with the showbiz ancestry she had.

Olga Tokarczuk has Shravana Sun, Vishaka Moon & Purvaphalguni Rising

Olga is a Polish writer who is known for the weird, quirky, mystical, and philosophical nature of her novels (She received the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2018). It can be said that many of her characters live on the fringes of society but have a very strong sense of justice and fairness despite their position that renders them powerless. She has 2 Mleccha naks in her big 3 and a Brahmin one, I thought this particular quote was very interesting because its Mleccha naks who acutely understand the nature of human suffering but the Venus ruled Brahmin nak insists on how being deluded, that our psyches prevent us from seeing the true nature of human suffering. If you saw everything exactly as it was, you'll die. In order to live, you must be willing to be deluded.

Lindsey Lohan, Ardra Sun, Bharani Moon & Mrigashira Rising plays a social outcast in Mean Girls who tries to infiltrate a popular girls group (despite having a Shudra & Mleccha nak, her Vaishya asc helps her ascend the social hierarchy to some extent). The movie ends with her having managed to destroy the clique of the Plastics and create a new social order at her highschool.

Miley Cyrus is a Vishaka Moon & Demi Lovato is a Bharani Moon and its pretty well documented how they both didn't feel like they "belonged" or "fit in". They rebelled in different ways and have opened slammed Disney on multiple occasions.

Presley Gerber who has the word "misunderstood" tattooed on his face has Ardra Sun, Dhanishta Moon, Jyeshta Rising and Ketu in Shravana

Ardra is a Shudra nak, Shravana is a Mleccha nak whilst Dhanishta & Jyeshta are Vaishya naks

As a result of feeling left out, misunderstood, isolated, excluded etc Mleccha nak natives often tend to keep to themselves and are very very private. They are loners at heart.

This is by no means a comprehensive list but off the top of my head here's a bunch of celebrities who are very low-key and very private. There are no rumours, no pap photos, nothing, just silence (for the most part).

L to R

Denise Richards- Vishaka Moon

Christian Bale- Shravana Sun, Mars in Bharani amatyakaraka

David Duchovny- Ashlesha Sun

Shakira- Shravana Sun

Elijah Wood- Shravana Sun

Harry Styles- Shravana Sun

Saoirse Ronan- Bharani Moon

Penelope Cruz- Bharani Sun

Beyonce- Vishaka Moon

Uma Thurman- Bharani Sun

L to R

Charlize Theron- Ashlesha Moon

Amanda Seyfried- Ashlesha Moon

Joseph Gordon-Levitt- Ashlesha Moon

Paul McCartney- Ashlesha Moon

Ryan Gosling- Vishaka Sun

Adam Driver- Vishaka Sun

Leonardo DiCaprio- Vishaka Sun

All of these celebrities maintain a pretty low profile and only interact with the press when they're promoting something.

only 30 images are allowed per post acc to tumblr so there will be a part 2!!

I hope this post spreads some light into the nature of Outcaste naks, I have a lot more research that I'll share in my next post<33

#astrology notes #astrology observations #sidereal astrology #vedic astro notes #nakshatras #astrology #vedic astrology #astro notes #astro observations #astroblr #jyotish #vishaka #ashlesha #bharani #shravana

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athenaluciscaelum · 5 months ago

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Pairing:DMC5 Dante x Reader

Rated: Mature

Words: 3134 word

Warning: unprotected sex, nsfw, talk of marriage

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Disclaimer

A constructive criticism in right tone can be welcome. But anything unkind or disrespectful or homophobic or any hate shall be deleted. I do not entertain such things and I do not mind simply deleting them. This being said I will try my best to put trigger warning rightfully in every post but if sometimes, I miss something. You can let me know and educate me on topic respectfully and I will add it promptly.

My Beautiful Bride

Summary: You and Dante have been dating for the longest time. Surprisingly, it was not you who wanted marriage, but Dante.

You and Dante had been dating for quite a while, it's been more than two years now, since you first met, and about 18 months of dating. You still remember the day you met him in the library, and you acted all weird. Later you think to yourself, 'why does it matter? If I was weird, it's not like I might see him again. But you saw him, again and again and again and again. Dante was like a sweet drug that you need in your life. He smiled, people claimed he rarely smiled. But you always saw him smiling and you loved that smile. You swear to yourself this smile is worth everything, and you swear to make him the happiest man, so no matter how hard it gets, nothing will stop you from making this man smile.

You were a little selfish, you wanted him to always smile, yet wishing that if not all, most of those smiles were because of you.

The first time you two decided to get intimate. It took time, not because you didn't crave Dante. You have wanted him since the day you understood he is all you ever wanted...yet you understand this is special, and you wanted nothing in this sacred connection you two shared to be some rushed sex on his desk, or somewhere insignificant.

You wanted it to be special. Dante was on the same page, you were all he ever knew he wanted, but now he needed. It was a soul mate kind of feeling. Though he never believed in one. And he wanted to do everything right. He got clean, got his act together, took jobs which were within his principles but also made money, he even paid attention to making space comfortable for you. All sorts of furniture in your shared bedroom, a bathtub for you, all the little decor you bought for Devil May Cry to make it home. Dante needed this to make a perfect nest for his bride. Bride? Wait. You were not his bride yet, he wanted to do it right with you. And the idea of exchanging vows to be each other. It is a perfect way to show you how much this whole thing means to him.

You both were on the same footing in most things, like the idea of humanity, how important empathy is, the idea of family, etc.

So Dante started planning. He knew he needed the whole crew to get this party started. So he got your ring size with the help of Trish. And also an idea about what sort of jewelry you like and which precious stones. You were in the shopping center with Trish...as you guys strolled around. Trish took you to a jewelry store. You didn't think much of it...just usual shopping... Trish looked at the rings, she spoke in her usual calm voice,"Anything that catches your eye, Y/N." You looked at the display and answered, "yes, this, I think you're a gold kind of girl with yellow Montana sapphire..." Trish nods trying the ring, she spoke composed, "Nice...is this what you like?" You shook your head, "No... I'm more of a platinum kind of girl.... And a ruby in the middle.." Trish raised her eyebrows, "Ruby? Huh?" You blushed, "I don't know, I wanted a red stone in my jewel for long...reminds me of Dante..." Trish smiled, her mission was a success.

Trish and Dante were on a mission. When they reached the agency, you were asleep in the shared bedroom. Dante peaked in and smiled and graced his lips as he saw your pretty sleeping form. He still remembers when he took you to his room to have your first night of intimacy together. Back then, he only had a single bed in his room, you squeezed in with him without complaining, you suggested how it meant you were closer to Dante. He held you throughout the night. He couldn't let his precious angel fall and hurt herself. And soon enough, as he spent more and more nights there, he was quick to buy a king-sized bed. You comfort was his priority. He couldn't give you all the luxury in the world, he think you absolutely deserved it. It's not like you ever complained about trivial materialistic things. But he made sure to give you all he could.

Dante went downstairs, Trish was sitting on the desk... He looked at her, "Soo?" Trish looked up at him from a magazine, "She likes platinum with ruby and I marked some design she liked in this magazine with her ring size above." Dante grinned, "Jackpot! I will ask Morrison to get me in touch with a jeweler..."

Trish smirked, "you're planning to spend a fortune on this...huh?" Dante nodded, "Best for my girl!" Trish let out a small chuckle..." So when you're proposing..." And for the first time, Trish saw Dante nervous... Trish sighed, "You ever asked her about her views on marriage or getting married." Dante was a mess, running fingers through his hair..." Not exactly..."

Trish patted his shoulder as she got ready to leave the agency, "You will figure this out." Dante sighed, sitting on his chair, his feet propped on his desk, looking at the picture of Eva on the desk, "You would have loved her.....she is not perfect, yet she is everything right in my life. A new beginning, right, mom?" Dante smiled to himself and got up to shower. He put on his sweatpants as he walked into the room drying his hair. You were sleeping, but as soon as his heavy body got deposited beside you to dip in the bed, you smiled and turned to look at him sleepy, "there is a handsome devil in my bed, I should call a devil hunter." Dante wrapped his hands around your waist and pulled you flushed against his body making you giggle, you were already nuzzling his silver chest hair, you lip softly feeling his skin... Dante let out a sigh of satisfaction, "At your service...and I give discounts to beautiful babes…" He smirked as you laughed, looking up into his icy blue eyes. The room was dark and only moonlight poured in. Dante was a handsome man and this moonlit room only made him more handsome, if it was possible... you touched his cheek, your thumb softly caressing his face, he closed his eyes. You pulled yourself up a little to place soft kisses against his lips, he snaked his arms around your waist, tightening his grip to deepen the kiss, he licked your bottom lip, and you complied, as you opened your lips for his demanding tongue to come in and explore your mouth.You followed his lead. He shifted you carefully without breaking the kiss..he was above you now. He made sure his weight was not directly on you, you were so small compared to him, he wouldn't risk crushing you. You cupped his face and kissed him again and again. As his hand worked the delicate strings that were keeping your night dress tied behind your neck. Dante pulled it and started to pull the dress down, exposing your chest. He was greeted by the sight of your pretty breasts, he groaned. His hand was flat on them, feeling them taking a nipple between his index finger and thumb to squeeze it. you moaned in the kiss. He pulled away from the kiss with a string of saliva attached and lowered his head a bit, both his hands kneading your breasts. He loved how they were perfect in his hands, not small or big, just perfect, made for him. He left a trail of kisses from near your mouth to your jaw line to your neck. Now kisses turn into sucking, enough to leave marks, while sucking turned into little bites, as he trailed down from your neck to your breast. His hand feeling your curves from down the waist, stomach to your hips... keeping you firm and grounded on the mattress. He licked one of your areoles with his tongue flat, the tip of his tongue assaulting your nipple, your fingers in his soft silver hair. You moaned, as he sucked on your nipple...it was torture how good he made you feel, your core throbbing. Yet his hands keep your hip grounded on the mattress, you were flustered, he always knew how to rile you up. You let out a whine, he smirked against your nipple and let it go with a pop. He gave the same treatment to your other nipple. You tried to move your hip up for much-needed contact, but his grip was firm, he pulled up to look at your needy face, caressing your cheek with the back of his finger, "my precious angel, you're so needy..." Your eyes were full of desire, and you let out a whine, "you're such a tease..." Dante chuckled, "C'mon, babe, I just enjoy your needy face, now tell me what you want." You closed your eyes as he pulled down your dress to take it off and spread your legs, starting to rub a finger along your slit through your panties... Dante smiled, "I love your sweet noises."

Dante pressed his forehead against yours as he took off your wet panties and threw them, who knows where? His thick finger. He slid up and down your folds.....and then inserting it in as you were slick and ready, you moaned as he slowly put his middle finger in your throbbing core, he smiled, "your pussy is practically crying for me baby..." You nodded moaning, "love you so much, Dante..." Dante sighed as he kissed your lips with unadulterated love, "And I love you princess." Dante start to drag his finger in and out building up pace and making you comfortable to put second finger in..he was patients and curled his finger in as he reached your familiar spot. He was caressing your spot, making you see starts and knots in your stomach snap...as you came, he dragged his finger in and out slowly to drag out your orgasm...you were a sweaty, panting mess, hair stuck to your forehead. Dante is proud of the beautiful renaissance painting he made of you. As you were collecting yourself, Dante positioned himself between your legs, taking his sweats off, his thick and veiny cock sprung out, leaking pre-cum. Dante was big, but by now, you have got used to it. He knew how to make it all comfortable and you trusted him. He grabbed your calves, your feet on each of his shoulders. Kissing, sucking and biting the inside of your legs and thighs to litter them with his marks, same as he did to your upper body. You were sleepy and gripped onto the pillow above your head, your eyes were so beautiful, glistening, and he wanted nothing more than to get lost in them. You smiled tired, "sleep is winning." Dante pumped his cock and rubbed it against your folds to gather slick, your thighs stained from your last orgasm, Dante groaned, "Don't worry, I will leave you satisfied, and then you will be set free." You laughed but soon, he pushed himself balls deep, his eyes squeezed shut...air knocked out of your lungs as you gasped. Dante stood still cherishing how perfect your pussy felt. No matter how many times he has had you, he will never be satiated enough. He gritted his teeth and started to move, slow and deep...it was all sweet and passionate. You were sleepy, but how can you sleep when the love of your life was balls deep in you...you smiled, eyelids closing yet refusing to fall asleep..."so good... Dante...so good...." Dante picked up his pace and thrusted in and out, but not rough or fast, he wanted to feel you tonight. He will savor you. Dante snapped his hip, wet noises filled the room. He puts down your legs and lets them wrap around his waist...he leans down to entangle his fingers with yours, holding them above your head, and kiss you deeply. As he moves slowly and deep, hitting all the right spots. You came again, this time with no warning. His eyes closed as he nuzzled your face. He loved how you came around his cock, "I'm close, babe, one more for me, together?" You nodded drunk on his cock and sleepy, you were overstimulated by and aching a bit "anything for you..." With few more thrusts of his added with him cupping your face with one hand and his thumb rubbing your clit with another. You both came together. His hot cum filling your pussy, he collapsed on top of you, so satisfied. You were both sweaty and tangled, you held his face against your chest, as he nuzzled it. You softly swept his hair sticking on his forehead... He smiled and pulled out. Your pussy dripping with his and your combined fluid, making the demon inside him crave for more...you shook your head nervously, and he smiled, burying your little form against his big furnace-like body. He chuckled, "It's okay...your no is a no...my angel..." You smiled and felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

The next day, you and Trish were in the office sitting on a couch talking. You both have a curiosity about knowledge, somehow the topic of marriage came and it's technicalities. You were trying to make a comment on how marriage is, in a way no guarantee, unlike what is believed, it was seen as a safety net throughout history or said to be a safety net for women throughout history, when men benefited more out of it. It was by no means a comment on Dante, or your idea of your own life, but a general statement on how it goes with majority, in your mind, you and Dante were special. You made a hypothetical statement, "I mean think Trish. What if Dante and I were to get married? What is even the point? About the legality of it, or even church. It's not like any court or religious authority can hold him to the sanctity of marriage." Trish was shocked and quiet. You didn't understand it and smiled, "What?" You turned around to see Dante, who looked visibly hurt....but quickly tried to mask it with a smile. He grinned, "Hey babe," you stumbled on your words, "H-H-Hey, love, I-I-I-I just want to clear....." Dante laughed to cut you off in the middle, and spoke calmly, "Can we do this later, babe. I'm really missing some strawberry sundae, I'm off to Freddy's..." You were a mess and tried to grab his shoulder, "Let me come...." Your eyes pleading with him. Dante looked away keeping a fake grin, "Aren't you busy with Trish? Keep her company, I don't want to interrupt you ladies."

Dante walked off quickly, as he was away from the agency, he just walked mindlessly, his hand in his coat pocket feeling the ring. He went to his mother's grave before, his way of getting her blessings. He looked up at the sky and thought, 'What an idiot I am. Of course, why will she settle for me? Sooner or later, I always knew she would know what an idiot I am. I should cherish her, as long as she will let me have her.'

You were back at the Devil May Cry agency, but as hours passed by and Dante didn't come back, you went out. Freddy told you Dante never came. Lady didn't know, neither Morrison, nor Nero. You were so worried, you could always recognize his fake smile. You just wanted to cry, what an idiot you were, you should have never said it, even hypothetically. You have to find him and explain this to him, you can't bare the thought of losing him. Your heart pounded in your chest, the sound drumming in your ears as you ran to one place Dante would be.

You walked to the lake in the forest, moonlight glowing on it. It was a little place you both found and a secret you two share. You sat beside Dante, sitting near the lake. You wrapped your hands around his arm and put your face on his shoulder. You spoke in a small nervous voice, "Hey..." Dante sighed, "Hey." Your hands cupped his face, "I love you, I didn't mean it that way." Dante chuckled sadly, "yeah....." You wanted to explain it, "Dante...." You were blank. Dante looked at you, "You should find someone better than waste your time on me." You were shocked, hurt and eyes wide, "Dante! How can you say this!? I love you! There is no one else! Nor ever will be!" Dante looked at his reflection in the lake. He hated seeing his reflection, "I always mess up, you're right. Nothing can hold me to sanctity of marriage." Your face showed pain and guilt for making him go through this, "We all mess up, like I did today, it's only human, but we got each other..." You held Dante's hand in yours, taking off his glove, bringing his hand to your face, pressing soft kisses to his knuckles. Dante said nothing, you sighed, summoning all courage, your head pressed against his, "nothing can hold you to the sanctity of marriage, no power, except our love. And I dream of the day when I will exchange vows with you. Marriage or no marriage. I am not leaving your side." Dante melted, the word took his breath away. He kissed your lips softly, and you kissed him back .....you pulled away and smiled, looking into his beautiful icy blue eyes, caressing his face. "Let's go back home...." You stood up and dusted your dress, as you turned around, Dante was on one knee with a ring in his gloved hand. Dante spoke, clearing his throat, "Miss Y/N L/N, will you marry me?" You were ecstatic, this was perfect. The forest, lake, moonlight and Dante, you nodded and threw yourself in his arms. You kissed him deeply as he twirled you and slipped a beautiful platinum ring with a ruby on your delicate finger...you smiled, laughed, you were red, you were a flustered mess. Your stomach felt thousands of butterflies, you were trembling from happiness. You can't contain your smile, your legs feel wobbly. Dante picked you up bridal style, "My bride! My beautiful bride!"

You swear you could hear Dante's demon and see it's flash, only making you happier. "My handsome devil..."

Next day, you both visited Eva's grave together. Dante smiled, "She said yes, mom." You smiled, "Thank you for raising a kind and thoughtful man."

Tag: @marshmallows-and-champagne

#dante devil may cry #dante sparda #dante x reader #devil may cry #dmc dante #dante #dmc fanfiction

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gracieheartspedro · 1 year ago

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Cool About It

it's here. the third and final part!

joel miller x fem! reader

Description: it's been over a year with joel and some things have just fallen apart. you miss him, more than you'd like to admit. after some time apart, you find yourself at tommy's christmas party. your recent endeavours catch up with you, and joel doesn't like the way it's looking.

Part 3/3

Links for Part 1 Part 2

Word count: 6.8k

Warnings: MINORS DNI! this is 18+, post!outbreak joel, very angsty, age gap, joel being very protective, use of homophobic slang, guy being creepy towards reader, very smutty, unprotected p in v, fingering, oral (f and m receiving), overstimulation, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, orgasm denial, pet names

Author's Note: I'm so happy to bring this final part to you beautiful people. I've loved writing this series so much! Thank you for your patience and kindness. please leave feedback, I love hearing from you guys.

Once, I took your medication to know what it's like

And now I have to act like I can't read your mind

I ask you how you're doing and I let you lie

But we don't have to talk about it

I can walk you home and practice method acting

I'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning

Tellin' you it's nice to see how good you're doing

Even though we know it isn't true

“So are you and Joel going to work it out?”

It was a question bearing on your mind for months. You really didn’t want to hear it from Ellie.

You and Joel had officially been broken up for three months after seeing each other for over a year. It was never a concrete thing, the foundation of your relationship was cracked due to some unresolved trauma from both of your pasts. Joel was in the same boat as you when it came to not being able to cope with his grief. His daughter being taken from him so young, the horrors he went through trying to survive the end of the world, and of course the deep and complex relationship he had with Ellie. You had a lot of unsettled trauma from losing your entire family and being alone for most of your life. You also always had this sinking feeling that he was not telling you the full story about the last couple years. He seemed hesitant to discuss how he found Ellie in the first place. You could tell there was some awkward tension and unresolved issues between the two of them. You just wanted to help.

He started drinking a whole lot towards the tail end of the relationship and you weren’t sure why. He’d stumble back home drunk, not even able to kiss you goodnight.

It was getting complicated. He was terrible about communicating his feelings and you were too stubborn to accept you were ever wrong.

Of course, there were good times. Like all of the Saturday nights going out dancing with Tommy and Maria. The game nights with Ellie. Sitting outside on his front porch with nothing but his guitar, making you sing songs only your father would know.

You missed him terribly. But you knew it was for the better. It has to be for the better.

Ellie sits next to you at the annual Christmas party which was hosted by Maria and Tommy. They usually did it at their house, but with a toddler, it just didn’t seem realistic there anymore. So instead, they had it at the large food hall and invited all of Jackson.

You glance over at her, your eyes glazed over from all the alcohol you’d been consuming.

That was another thing. You couldn’t stop drinking, now. It was the only way you could get to sleep at night. You had even started going to the Tipsy Bison every night to get wasted and on some rare occasions, have a guy take you home.

You were almost positive Joel was sleeping with one of the other patrol leaders too, a girl named Kelly. She had made eyes at him before you two got together. You’d seen them around a couple times, just talking and getting close. The first time you saw them, you got wasted at the Bison and threw up your entire breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It only made you want to get over him faster, so having those guys take you home was a distraction. But you’d never fully admit that.

“I don’t know, kid,” Is all you could think to say to Ellie. Your mind was muddled with stupid emotions and disgusting whiskey.

“He’s nicer when you’re around. Now, he’s just… angry.”

You felt bad. But you couldn’t fall back into that routine with Joel. Fight, makeup, fight again. There was an extreme disconnect in communication. It was exhausting.

You stand up on wobbly legs, “I’m gonna go grab ‘nother drink. You want somethin’?”

Ellie was technically underage but you knew she drank with her friends sometimes. She looked at you with a bit of contempt.

“No, thanks.”

You shrug, sauntering back over to the bar.

You notice a familiar silhouette at the end of the bar, but don’t bother glancing that direction. You knew he was watching you and Ellie talking a second ago, his eyes always trailing you. You didn’t want to look over and see Kelly beside him, so you act like he isn’t even there.

“Another whiskey, pleaseeee,” You beg the bartender standing nearby. He doesn’t look too happy about serving you more, but you had lost all sense of self control about an hour ago and he knew that by the look on your face. He pours you some more dark liquor and sends you on your way.

As soon as you turn to walk away, you spot another familiar face walking directly towards you.

Josh Hall.

He was one of the guys you slept with. He was a nice guy, kinda. He was a know it all, shallow, and a bit arrogant. So maybe not a nice guy.

You slept with him twice, both times when you were drunk. From what you could remember, he didn’t make you cum.

He was only a bit taller than you, blonde hair and blue eyes. He was cute enough to get into your pants. But every time you thought about any other man, you reminded yourself that it wasn’t Joel.

“Hey there,” You try not to slur, “How are ya?”

“Hi beautiful,” He grabs your hand, pulling you in for what you assume is a kiss. You wince, directing his lips to your cheek. He presses his chapped lips against your skin.

“What are you doing?” You ask, trying to avoid the gazes of the people around you. You could feel his eyes on you even from 50 feet away.

“Thought you’d wanna come dance with me,” He has his hand slipping around your waist. You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach. He knew you were drinking, your glass swaying right in front of his face.

Your red flags are raising quickly. Josh never approached you any other times of the day. Never during patrols, never just around town. He only showed interest when you had a glass of liquor in your hand.

“I am actually bringing this drink to someone, so please get off of me,” You lie, trying to get him away.

You had to be patient with a guy like Josh. He could be pushy sometimes, so you had to be firm but sweet. You wouldn’t want to start a stir at a party with a bunch of families, right?

But he wasn’t letting go.

His eyes were piercing into yours. You could tell he was drinking, his eyes a bit glassy like yours. You hadn’t even seen him come into the party. It’s like he just appeared to make you mad.

“Just have one dance with me,” His breath stunk of alcohol and unbrushed plaque. You wanted to vomit.

“No, I need to bring this drink to someone.”

His grip is getting progressively tighter and he’s walking you backward.

“Who? Who’s drink is it? New boyfriend?”

You swallow hard, not knowing who to say.

“It’s for Ellie.”

He smirks, “You givin’ an underage dyke a drink? Don’t think her daddy would like that.”

Something in you flips. Rage. Pure unadulterated rage. Your body doesn’t even give your brain a moment to mull over your next move. You throw the drink on the ground, the glass shattering all over the floor. You step back, finally breaking away from him.

“What did you just fuckin’ say?!”

He releases you, backing up. He had this offended look on his face, like you had kicked a puppy.

Liar.

It made you even more mad.

“What did you say, Josh?” You emphasize his name, never breaking eye contact, “You fuckin’ call her that again I’ll fucking kill you.”

You stomp forward, your hands reaching up to him. You had never snapped so quickly in your life. Something about him saying negative about Ellie made your protective maternal instinct go into overdrive. Ellie meant a lot to you, especially after spending the last year with her and Joel.

Your fingers wrap around his scrawny little throat. He was trying to back away, but a table stopped all his movements. He was pinned.

“You fuckin’ dare talk about her or anyone I fuckin’ know, I will make sure you never utter another wor-“ You feel hands around your waist, pulling you back from possibly choking him out. It almost takes the wind out of you. Your hands let go of his neck, but not without digging your fingernails into his skin.

You are so blindsided, you don’t even know who has a grip on you.

“Hey, hey, stop!” His voice is familiar. Almost Joel’s, but not.

No, because Joel is instead grabbing Josh from the spot you pinned him to. You look back and see Tommy, his face panicked and confused.

You watch as Joel grabs Josh by the shirt, throwing him towards the middle of the dance floor. A bunch of people are standing around watching Josh stumble, trying to gain his composure. The music completely stops, bringing the hall to complete silence. Joel doesn’t give him enough time to stand up straight. You try to push Tommy off of you, but he’s got an iron grip on you.

“What did he say?” Joel yells towards you, gesturing towards Josh. Everyone has completely stopped what they are doing to watch the scene unfold.

You look towards where Ellie is, her face twisted in horror. Jesse stands next to her, his face serious. You know this is probably embarrassing for her, so all the anger leaves your body, replaced with guilt and shame.

“Joel,” You warn, “Please.”

Joel was extremely protective when you two were together. Ever since you two split, he has tried his very hardest to not snap. Once he sees a man’s hands on you, though, he can’t help but let fury fill his entire being. Tonight was no exception except this time, you got violent before he could. Which only meant you had no other choice. You usually keep a calm exterior, trying not to step on anyone’s toes. When you drink, you’re actually sweeter and more complacent.

“What did he say?”

Instead of you saying anything, Maria steps in. She wedges herself between Joel and Josh, making sure neither one of them takes another step.

“Cool it!” She yells, her eyes flying over to you being held back by Tommy.

“He better get his ass out of this tow-“

“Shut it, Joel,” She warns, reaching out for his arm, “Let’s take a walk.”

“‘m not going anywhere,” His voice is booming which sends a chill down your spine, “Get this fucker out of here and away from her.”

He looks towards you, Tommy slowly loosening his grip on your upper body. You wiggle out, trying to steady your breathing. You didn’t even realize that you were panting like a dog.

You’ve completely sobered up. The dizziness you feel is just from adrenaline.

Maria guides Josh to the door, listening to him rant about his side of the story. You look back at Tommy, who’s obviously taken aback by the way you snapped. He’s never seen you so mad.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Tommy. He just said something about Ellie,” You whisper it, trying to ensure Joel didn’t hear. You know well enough that if he found out the words Josh uttered, he would have a pistol between the poor guy’s eyes.

“I think you need to go home and cool down,” Tommy suggests, “This is not the place for that.”

You felt horrible. Everyone’s eyes were still on you. You nod, understanding Tommy’s reasonings for practically kicking you out of the party. He gestures Joel over, grabbing him by the shoulder.

“I’m gonna have someone walk her home,” He nods to you, “Would you be willin’ to or should I ask Jesse?”

Joel shakes his head, “I’ll get her home.”

“I can get home myself,” You retort, trying to regain some sort of control over the situation. You didn’t want Jesse or Joel walking you home, it felt like a walk of shame times a million.

“Get her home safe, Joel,” Tommy remarks, tapping you on the shoulder. He wasn’t giving you an option.

You step over the shattered glass, while Joel guides you to the door. You felt so humiliated, not knowing what face to make at the people who were scowling you. So you keep your head down, grabbing your coat from the chair beside Ellie. Joel is trailing behind you. You look up for a second, meeting Ellie’s brown eyes.

“I’m sorry, kiddo,” You mumble, “For everything.”

She shakes her head, her lips thin, “It’s okay. Get home safe.”

Joel taps your shoulder, nodding his head towards the door. You put your winter coat on, pulling out your hair that’s stuck between it and your thermal.

It was snowing, soft pillows of white ice covering all of Jackson. You breathe out a loud sigh when you get outside, while Joel shuts the dinner hall door.

You didn’t know what to say to him, really. You felt like he shouldn’t have stepped in, but deep down you were glad he did because it probably put the fear of God into Josh. Maybe he won’t ever speak to you again.

When you start on your journey home, you and Joel are silent. You hadn’t spoken much since your separation. You two got into a huge blowout fight in which the both of you said some pretty terrible things to each other. It was the first and last time you yelled at Joel.

“Why can’t I just make my own decisions?”

“You almost got yourself killed! You almost got Ellie killed. How the fuck am I supposed to react? Just let you two back on patrol like nothin’ happened!? No fuckin’ way. You’re not going back out unless I’m with you.”

Your heart was going to beat out of your chest, “I had it under fucking control, Joel! You always find ways to blame me for something! I brought her home. I did. You weren’t fucking there because you were too fucked up to even get up this morning,” You knew that stung, the way his face twisted in disgust, “You’re the last person on Earth to make decisions for me or Ellie.”

You struck a nerve, you could tell by the deadly serious look on his face.

“You don’t know what’s good for, Ellie. Stop actin’ like you fuckin’ do. You have manipulated her to believe she knows what’s good for her. She doesn’t, okay?”

He couldn’t be serious.

“You’re not even her real father, Joel. She is going to remember all the times you shut her down and made her feel like she didn’t have a choice. Is it really worth your pride?”

He slams his fist on the table, “Get the fuck out!”

You accept that as the end of the conversation and the relationship.

You start to walk through the slush, knowing you had a good 15 minute walk home. You felt sick with anxiety.

“How have you been doin’?”

You laugh, “Fuckin’ fantastic, Joel.”

“Yeah me too,” He lies. He clears his throat before continuing, “So, what did he say?”

“Drop it Joel,” You warn, a hiccup coming up your throat, “Let’s just not talk about it ever again.”

“I’ll get it out of ya one day,” He comments, zipping up his jacket some more. You shake your head, chuckling a bit at the absurdity.

“You didn’t have to step in,” You add, “I had it handled. Like I always do.”

His pace picks up, matching yours.

“Wrapping your hands around ‘nother guys throat is not very you, darlin’,” He says, grabbing your arm to halt your next step, “He had to of said something pretty bad for you to throw your drink and choke him out in front of a bunch of people.”

You knew what he was trying to do. He wanted to lure it out of you, but you weren’t caving. He was good at making it seem like there was no choice other than tell him what happened.

“Guess you’ll never know, Miller,” You tug your arm away, “Tommy said you’d walk me home, not interrogate me.”

He huffs, “You are so stubborn.”

You stop mid step, turning to look him in the eye. You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re the one to talk, Joel.”

“And you need to quit the drinkin’. Makes you sloppy.”

His tone was condescending and for him to call you out on drinking? No fucking way.

“You sure were sloppy the last couple times I saw you drinkin’. Remember the four patrol shifts you had last summer you couldn’t get to cause you were too fucked up the night before? Or how about a couple weeks ago when you tried to fight that guy at the Bison?”

He takes note of your aggressive tone. You weren’t just going to cower your head and take his shit.

Maybe you were using the drinking to not think about the fact that you missed his stupid ass. Maybe it was to medicate the anxiety that rattled your bones every time he slipped your mind. Either way, he was such a hypocrite for trying to use that against you. Make it seem like he wasn’t doing that same thing when you were still together.

“I’ve quit all the drinkin’… and hey, he called you a name,” He mumbles, “Had to put him in his place.”

You furrow your eyebrows at his statement, “What do you mean he called me a name?”

He continues to walk, almost trying to physically dodge the question. But if he was going to be persistent, you were going to be, too.

“Joel-“

“Garrett said you were whoring yourself out to him and a couple of the other guys. Called you a slut,” He confesses, not looking towards you at all.

You felt sick to your stomach. Garrett was a guy you had patrolled with, a guy who seemed really nice to your face. The same guy Joel gave a black eye to.

“I’ve only slept with like, two other people.”

You could tell it rattled him a bit. It was a statement he couldn’t be mad at, really. He was a man with needs, too.

“Well, the word’s gettin’ around. He said you told him he had the best dick you’ve ever had,” He laughed as the words slipped his tongue, “God knows that’s ain’t true.”

You push your hands into your pockets, “I never slept with him. It’s only been Josh and…”

You stop yourself, instantly feeling sick to your stomach at the next name that almost came out your mouth. It was something you regretted so deeply in every fiber of your being. Something you tried to forget the very second the interaction.

“Who else?”

“No one,” You say, trying to steady your voice, “None of your business.”

“It was Jesse, wasn’t it?”

Caught.

You cough, clearing your throat. You never wanted to talk about this to anyone, let alone Joel. You were desperate and no other guys really made you feel appreciated.

The wind picks up, which causes the snow to billow towards your face and take your breath away.

“Can we just,” You shake your head, trying to get the hair out of your face, “Can we just discuss this when we get to my house?”

He leads the way, moving quickly. You follow close behind, almost using his body as a shield from the snowstorm. When you finally see your house through your frosted lashes, you feel some sense of relief.

Joel walks up to your front porch, gesturing to you to lead the way. You knew you’d have to light a fire in the living room and warm up the small abode, so once you open the door, you rush to your fireplace. You stack wood, not taking much mind to Joel who’s kicking off his shoes and removing his coat.

You didn’t want to do this with him. You didn’t want to discuss anything, explain yourself, or hash out any unresolved bullshit. After the night you had, you wanted to carry yourself straight to bed.

“Want help?”

You crouch down, flicking a match into the pit, igniting the old coals.

“No, I got it, Joel.”

He huffs, sitting down on your slouchy red couch. Nothing in your house was particularly nice, but you kept it clean and tidy. Everything had a spot, except for the man taking up space before you.

“So,” He slaps his hands on his knees, “You want to explain or?”

“No Joel,” You respond, “I don't feel like I owe you an explanation, truthfully. I honestly don’t wanna rehash all this shit with you.”

His lips tighten into a half smirk, “Okay, that’s fine.”

Silence fills the room again. You were shocked he didn’t press it further, but a bit relieved.

“Just wanna ask one thing,” He grumbles. You stand up straight, shimmying your coat down your arms.

“What?”

“Was his dick the best one you’ve ever had?”

You feel like all the air has left your body.

“What?”

“Jesse. Josh. Were they the best you’ve ever had?”

Hearing their names made you cringe. You knew your answer, but you wonder if you should indulge him in the truth.

He knew it already, but he wanted to hear it from your lips. The haze and exhaustion from the crazy evening makes the confession slip from your lips.

“Joel,” You whisper, “You know damn well they aren’t shit compared to you.”

It’s like you blinked and he’s on you. His hands slide up your waist, grabbing your hips and pulling you into a bruising kiss. You don’t pull away because this is what you’ve been wanting.

The sex with Joel was like nothing else. Maybe your relationship was rocky. Maybe you hated the way he spoke to you sometimes. Maybe you hated the way he tried to control every little thing.

But the sex made it all worth it.

The way his hands molded around your body. His lips trailing up and down from your neck to your calves. He knew your body better than you probably knew it yourself. He never walked away from an encounter without making you cum several times. He could play you like his guitar.

You two are falling all over your furniture to make it to the couch. He sits down, holding you close while you straddle his thighs. He’s not letting up, his kisses feverish and hurried.

You pull away to catch your breath. His pupils are huge and his lips are already swollen.

“What are we doing?” You whisper, using your thumb to brush across his pink lips.

“This is what we do, baby,” He grabs your ass, pulling you flush with his crouch, “We fight and fuck. That’s all we do.”

You lean up, grinding down on his growing bulge.

“I shouldn’t want to, but fuck,” You throw your head back, trying to ease the throbbing you feel, “I always want you, Joel.”

“I always want you too, sweetheart,” His hand finds the back of your neck, rubbing circles into the sides while you grind yourself on his lap, “I don’t want any other pussy but yours. No one else compares.”

You smile in sick pleasure, “We are so fuckin’ toxic, Joel Miller.”

He laughs, pulling your head forward. Your eyes meet his and it’s a sudden realization that you two are just actually insane. That after all the bullshit you put each other through, your horniness always wins. He wants you just as much as you want him, and yet you two can never figure out how to work problems out like actual adults.

“Tell me you don’t fuckin’ like it that way,” He trails a kiss up your neck to earlobe, “And I’ll stop right now. Leave you alone forever. Keep your dirty little secret that you like to fuck guys half your age.”

The rise Joel Miller can get out of you should be studied. He knows exactly how to push every button you’ve ever had, even the one’s you didn’t know existed. The idea of people knowing you fucked Jesse makes your stomach twist, especially since he was Ellie’s friend.

You and Joel’s age gap never really bothered you. Maybe it was because he was older than you, but he didn’t feel that much older than you. You felt ancient with Jesse and even Josh. Joel made you feel like you were on the same level with a man.

You stop grinding on him, grabbing a handful of his hair and pulling him back to meet your gaze. He’s smiling a shit eating grin, knowing you’re pissed.

“You’re the guy who’s fucking people half your age,” You lift yourself a bit, looking down at him with half lidded eyes, “And you flaunt it. You love having me as your little play thing. Y-”

“And you fuckin’ love it.”

“I’m talking,” You shush him, “You are going to let me talk.”

You grab his belt undoing it like you used to almost every night, “You’re going to sit back like a good boy, and let me remind you why this is the only pussy you want to fuck.”

Joel has never seen you like this. It’s like the distance between you two gave you time to gain more confidence. You tested him now, and he kind of liked it. He’d never say but he loved when you were bratty to him. Sure, before you were a little smart ass, but you were practically dominating him. It was a good change of pace.

“Talk ‘bout toxic, baby girl,” He groans, “You know I can’t sit back and be a good boy.”

You use one hand to reach into his pants and grab his hard on.

“You’re going to learn today,” You smile, “Because if you don’t, you’ll walk home with blue balls and you can call Kelly over to fuck you.”

He chuckles a bit, “Sounds like you’re jealous.”

You stop your actions, looking at his smug fucking face.

“You literally just interrogated me about how I fucked half of Jackson,” You spit, “I can continue adding to the tallies. Have you watch me whore myself out to all of your patrol partners.”

“You ain-”

“Maybe I’ll get even bolder,” You continue, “Maybe I’ll even try to fuck the other Miller boy.”

You were completely fibbing. You’d never cross that line. You loved Maria and you respected her more than any other person in Jackson. You just really wanted to get under Joel’s skin.

And you quickly realize you did.

He flips you on your back and cages you under his arms.

“You’re a fuckin’ dirty slut,” He is grabbing at your pants, yanking them down. Your jeans were skin tight and wet, but it took no time at all for him to tear them off your body, “You ain’t in charge here.”

“Let me up,” You demand, pushing at his chest. He wasn’t budging, he was on a mission. He tears off your underwear, exposing your wet slit. You didn’t even realize how dripping you were for him.

“Look at you,” He teases, “Fuckin’ pathetic. Tryin’ to say you’d fuck my brother?”

He shakes his head, using his fingers to trace up and down your slit. You wanted to scream out, but your mind goes blank. You were quaking with anticipation. You surrender to him pinning you against the couch. You’d get him back eventually.

“He’d never fuck a slut like you,” He continues, “No, he doesn’t know how to handle someone like you.”

“And you do?”

“I’ve been at it for awhile,” He sticks a single finger in you, making a squelching sound as he does, “Think ‘m gettin’ pretty good at ruinin’ you. Puttin’ you in your place.”

You finally moan out in pleasure, which makes his face twist in satisfaction.

“Fuckin’ Christ, I’ve missed how tight you are,” He groans, “Squeezin’ my fingers and cock so good.”

You’re practically soaking the couch with how wet you are already. All the build up and smack talk really put you in bind, his fingers driving you absolutely wild.

He eases out of you, tracing your body to begin lifting off your shirt. He throws your shirt across the room, noticing you were actually wearing a padded bra. You smile at his realization.

“Found one of these,” You gesture, toying with the straps, “Bet you’d never see the day.”

You had gotten used to never wearing a bra and Joel usually enjoyed it that way. You could never find a comfortable one and all your old ones were ragged and gross. On a recent patrol, you found a red bra in your size in an abandoned home. You stole it, tucking it carefully in your backpack to try on back home. Lucky enough, it fit and made your boobs sit better than they ever have.

“Jesus Christ,” He mutters, lining the bra with his fingers, “As pretty as it is, it needs to go.”

You reach around your back, undoing it without another word. As soon as it is off, his fingers make work at pebbling your nipples. He smacked one with a gentle open hand. You squeak at the impact, watching Joel’s eyes revel at your bare body. He loved seeing you like this, crumbling under his touch.

He props himself up on his knee which is wedged between your thighs. He pulls his shirt over his head, discarding it on the coffee table next to him. His buttons are already undone after you found yourself with your hands down his pants, earlier. He pulls those down too, letting them pool around his ankles.

“For being a brat,” He nudges you, making you move your legs and plant them on the ground. You sit up, his hand ripping you off of your spot on the couch. He positions you between his legs, his cock standing up waiting for you. You sit back on your heels, enjoying the view.

“You’re gonna try to be a good girl and suck me off.”

You smile eagerily, slowly running your hands up his thighs and to the base of his cock. Instead of getting straight to it, you bring the head of his cock to your lips and kiss it softly. You toy with the idea of completely ignoring his demands, but you come to the conclusion that you’d probably get nothing if you did that. And you wanted him so bad. You thought about this moment for so long.

“Stop playin’,” He groans, watching you with his arms laying across the back of your couch. He looked like one of those statues you saw in old textbooks when you were a teenager. The ones you’d see at an old art museum scuplted from marble. The ones with the small dicks. That’s truly the only thing that differentiated the two. Joel was massive.

“I’m not playing,” You disagree, “Shush.”

Before you can continue your tease, he grabs the top of your head. He is usually pretty assertive, but good God, he was not letting you get away with anything. You widen your lips, taking his cock into your mouth. Instead of progressing down his shaft slowly, he makes you take it fully down your throat. It causes you to gag a bit. You pull back, only for him to push you down again.

You grip onto his thighs, digging your nails in a bit. You knew you would probably leave marks with how hard you were pressing into his skin. He winces, but continues to practically face fuck you.

“You don’t tell me to shush, little girl,” He moans, watching your saliva drench his cock. He finally lets you pull up off him, holding your face in the process, “You hear me? You take this cock like a good girl.”

“Yes,” You manage to say, your throat already hurting from taking him in.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good, now come sit on my face.”

You oblige, standing up to let him reposition himself.

You two have done this maybe twice. Each time you practically suffocated him, but he fucking loved every second of lapping you up. You knew that you were in for a ride with the way he was toying with you.

He lays on his back, his hands keen on pulling your legs up to his shoulders. Your ass is positioned on his chest, his face between your thighs. You look down at him, sitting up straight before you ease down, letting your pussy take up the bottom half of his face.

He dives in instantly, his mouth hungrily devouring your pussy. You scream out, letting your body relax against him. His facial hair brushes across your folds and inner thighs while his tongue begins tracing your insides. He stops at your clit, flattening his tongue and pressing forward. You couldn’t control yourself, sinking yourself down further onto him. His nose nudges your folds before he runs his mouth down your slit again, so his nose is now pressed against your clit. He moans into you, the vibrations sending you into ecstasy.

You cum, your juices flowing down his face and your legs. He is moaning so loud, mewling at the fact that you never warned him you were about to cum.

He taps your thighs, advising you to get off of him. You shakingly remove yourself from his face, standing up to look down at him. He was so hard and his lips and beard were soaked with your cum.

“You fuckin’ squirted on me,” He laughs, sitting up. You felt kind of embarrassed, like you couldn’t even contain yourself for more than 2 minutes. “I’ll forgive you since it was hot. No cummin’ without permission.”

“Okay, sorry.”

Even though you weren’t sorry.

Your legs were practically numb and still quaking from your orgasm. You’re breathing heavily, trying to regain your composure. He notices your quivering and starts pulling you into his lap. You widen your legs, mounting his thick thighs. You look down at his cock, it sliding so perfectly between your pussy lips. He was a fucking dream.

He doesn’t even say anything, just watching you try to catch your breath.

“Relax baby,” He mumbles, “We haven’t even gotten started, yet.”

He grabs his cock, stroking it a bit before having you lift off of his thighs. He eases you up and onto the head of his dick. He spits into his hand, coating his shaft with it.

One thing about Joel, is he’s still the biggest you’ve ever had. No one ever got close to him.

The stretch makes you moan out in pure euphoria. You missed it so much. It was something you craved almost every night.

“Fuck,” You whimper, “Never gets old.”

He laughs at your admission, “Likewise.”

He snaps his hips against yours, settling into a slower pace. He was dragging it out, letting your walls become accustomed to him again. After a minute of slow strokes, he picks up his pace. He repositions, kneeling with his one leg extended out to the floor. You’re lifted up in the air partially, grinding down as he meets your motions with his strokes. Your hands are wrapped around his neck, your fingers finding his hair. His hands and grappling at your sides while you two moan in unison.

You two were finally on the same page, not bickering, just fucking out your feelings. You felt the aggression, resentment, and fear dwindling away from you as you sweat out the brutal pace he’s bringing to the table.

“I don’t want anyone else,” He sighs in between his cock hitting you at the perfect angle, “I only want this.”

You don’t think to hard about it, whimpering your response.

“Please let me cum. Please.”

“So pretty when you beg.”

He’s drilling into you at this point, your tits bouncing right into his face. You lazily throw your head back, letting him take one of your nipples into his mouth. You’re so overly sensitive, you don’t know what to say other than beg him to let you release.

“Fuck Joel, I’m gonna cum. Please, let me cum.”

He releases your tit with a pop, “Cum for me, baby.”

After two more strokes, you’re falling apart in his arms. He wraps himself around you, fucking you through the second orgasm.

He’s a whimpering mess, chasing his own release.

“Fuck, baby, fuck.”

“Cum for me, Joel. Moan out for me.”

His deep and guttral moan sends shockwaves through your body. You could feel his cum release inside you, while his arms grow tighter around you. After he finishes, he lays you back onto the arm of the couch. His cock still rests inside you, twitching at every little movement your hips made.

He swipes his forehead for sweat, marveling at you. He looks so endearing, like he didn’t just fuck your brains out and call you a bunch of names. The thought makes you giggle.

“What?”

You shake your head, touching his chest with your fingers, “You’re just handsome.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

You swat him while he slowly eases out of you. You whine a bit, letting the heat from the fireplace warm your body as oppose to Joel’s body heat.

He stands up, abandoning you on the couch as he picks up his discarded clothes. You prop yourself up, trying to sit up but your body feels like jello.

Your really didn’t want to watch him go.

“You should stay.”

His back is turned away from you. He freezes as he grabs his shirt from the coffee table where it landed.

He clears his throat, “Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to leave.”

It was true. You wanted to figure it out. You wanted so badly for this to change everything. But it was just sex. Exactly how this trainwreck started.

He starts to get dressed. You didn’t want to take that as his answer, but deep down you knew this is how things worked. You’d been through it with Joel before. You just had to wait for Ellie to come in and call you his “lady friend” and have him demand you “go get dressed”. It was the same thing every time. You thought it meant something but it really didn’t.

Once he slips his shirt over his head, he walks back to sit next to your naked frame. He brings his hand up to trace your leg, which is perfectly nudged up against him.

You really don’t want to believe all the things running through your mind. You craved an explanation.

“You said you only wanted this, Joel,” You grab a blanket from the back of the couch to cover yourself. You could tell he was at war with his thoughts, “Why can’t we start again? Do I seriously not mean anything to you?”

He realizes you’re pleading with him. He felt so guilty and it was written all over his face.

“Of course you mean somethin’ to me,” He acknowledges, “But we can’t keep doin’ what we were doin’. We always end up screamin’ bout somethin’ stupid. I don’t want to make you unhappy. You deserve to be happy.”

You contemplate for a moment, unsure how to respond.

“If being with you means screamin’ about something stupid and fighting over patrols and drinking too much and bickering over Ellie’s future,” You huff out, trying to not let the hitch in your throat become obvious, “Then I want it. I want it all. All the shit, all the fights. I want it because it’s with you.”

He doesn’t say anything immediately. The silence was deafening.

“We can try,” He mutters, “But we gotta stop tryin’ to fix everythin’ with sex. We gotta like… talk about things.”

You laugh out loud, noting his seriousness. You two were seriously thinking the same things.

“Can we talk about our problems, like, during the sex?”

You were completely joking. You wait for his response, but it comes with him shaking his head. You wrap your arm around his shoulders, pulling him in. Your boobs press against his now clothed chest. You feel his hands slide up and down your sides. You groan in pleasure, his touch sending chills down your spine. You wanted it like this. Forever.

He clears his throat, “Well if I’m sticking around… round two?”

THE END.

taglist: @pedrotonin @mysingularitybts @harriedandharassed @paleidiot @misatoad @lottieellz101 @cool-iguana @bbyanarchist @am-3-thyst

#joel miller smut #joel miller #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader #the last of us #joel miller the last of us #cool about it #joel miller one shot #pedro pascal #joel miller tlou #tlou smut #tlou fanfiction #tlou x reader #the last of us smut

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meryachkins · 5 months ago

Text

so. um. i wanted to post something about my mc. but i realized i need to Explain her a little. even if my english is wonky. even if no one besides me will like her. i'm willing to sacrifice my pride lmao ( pls don't beat the shit out of me because of misspelling or weird use of words or horrendous grammary. i'm silly your honor )

SO. there's her profile thing ?? i guess ??? and yes. my every character is armenian, thank you very much. es hay em what can i say 😭

cr for sheet: @kiwiplaetzchen

aaaaand there we go with A Lot Of facts sbout her ...

about blood status ! i believe she doesn't really know about all that stuff. in my head magic armenia is tied together with non-magic one, because there's no magic school and communities are small and local. wizards live like muggles, live side by side with them. therefore blood of her family is so mixed, that i can't even say is she half-blood or what.

and she doesn't know english very well. her handwriting is in block letters and it's stiff and sloppy. often when she's yapping about something she switches to her mother tongue without realizing it. and then she tries to translate her rant, but fails miserably lmao. that's why she asks her friends for help with textbooks in classes and why she hates potions ( she doesn't know all that terminology for ingredients )

during the first days at hogwarts she was a little shy, but quickly became friend with poppy and natty. then she beat the shit out of sebastian in the duel and felt Very confident because of everyone's vivid reaction, so she started to befriend every person in this school lol. she's very tactile and kinda touch-starved even though she always pissed her siblings off with the need to touch and hug and peck Everyone ( but they always let her do it )

also. she's aroace. she really loves her friends, but she do not understand ( and need ) romantic love and relationshisp. i mean, she doesn't really know she's aroace she live in 19 century lmao. but not once in her live she fell in love

she have 5 siblings: two oldest siblings zabel and levon, older siblings lilith and masis and smol sis asthik ( who's a menace to society. ) she loves them to death, but in the summer after 5th year there was a huge drama about levon and maro was Fighting for him with zabel ( who's a homophobic bitch, but i'm the one who made her like this so i'm not shitting her 😭 )

and they lived in constantinople, but when father died they moved to erivan, hometown of their mother. after this she have some kind of prophecies about something bad happening with their family and maro being their "savior". that's why maro ended up in hogwarts, like it's the only school except koldovstoretz that her mother know about. and there's some relatives in england, who left erivan when it became part of russian empire in 1829 ( i think ??? i'm not too familiar with dates, but i want this story to work ... )

also her patronus was the van cat ( or vana katu, it's a landrace of cats found around lake van ) like her father's. but she doesn't cast patronus often so she found out that her patronus has changed to the borzoi at 6th year. her neighbor from a wealthy family bred borzoi from russian empire and she fell in love with these dogs from the very first time she saw them. it's kind of a symbol of her homesickness and yearning for family, for her life in erivan.

so. um. if you read all that text above. thank you. i really want to be in fandom and to show my maro to everyone 🤲 i will post arts with her. i guess ........ and i really want to draw other people's characters !!! i just like the vibes in here lol

#hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy oc #hogwarts legacy art #hogwarts legacy fanart #hufflepuff #maro terzian

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aftonfamilyvalues · 5 months ago

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how women on here are reacting to the boxing situation is the final straw for me with radblr tbh.

like imagine this scenario for a second: people are making false claims about you that you not only can easily disprove with a simple, uninvasive test, but you've ALREADY DONE said test in the past so you'd just need to ask them to publish the results. you can debunk these claims with the same amount of effort required to push a button.

but you don't. you have Literally The Easiest Option In The World to prove you're right and you don't do it.

and yet because women have created their own OC for this guy in their heads who is a female with androgen issues they'd rather defend their self-made blorbo as a way to peacock about how "yes all women" and/or "not racist" they are than do 2 seconds of research and critical thinking to realize "hey maybe this situation that fits literally all the criteria for the dude being a male, including the fact that he's been previously disqualified from competing in the women's league TWICE yet shows up for the Female Olympics anyway, means he's actually just a liar and cheater"

i'm open to having some sympathy for him if his parents (tried to*) raise him as a girl but like. he's a fucking adult. he took a sex test. he knows who he is now. he's making his own decisions. one of these decisions is choosing to hide who he is.

*idc how misogynistic his parents are in believing "no vagina??? but no penis. no penis = female. because female = non-male.", if they knew he had a male-specific dsd that coloured how they raised and treated him, even if they tried to hide it. the act itself of hiding it from him and trying not to raise him that way makes their treatment of him already inherently different from how they'd raise him if he were actually female.

link here

im going to try to go about this in the most respectful way possible.

i cant say i agree with everything youre saying here. theres still a lot of misinformation about this and i cant say a slatz tweet is very satisfying for me given the racist and homophobic things ive seen from her. but, if what you say is true, that this boxer is an intersex male who was assigned female at birth, i think its completely unfair to treat her entirely as a man. the community tends to regard itself as a place for intersex women too, those with this particular dsd were not spared misogyny just because they unknowingly had xy chromosomes. learning they are biologically male with a dsd doesnt mean they have a desire to completely restructure their lives and identity around being men, i think thats kind of insane to expect.

that being said, i think there needs to be a reevaluation of fairness in sports and how intersex people fall into it. what advantages or disadvantages do intersex women carrying a y chromosome have over those that dont? what male charactistics (bone density, for example) still exist in these women? do they pose a danger to other women in their sport? what about other intersex conditions? at what point does it become unfair? unfortunately it could lead to their exclusion, and if that happens will there be another place for them? theres a lot to consider and things will have to change as we learn more. its not really a black and white situation in my opinion.

#ask

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n3felibata · 4 months ago

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I made a post on Reddit titled "Hot take but I feel like many if not most Stolitz antis are either homophobic or just hypocrites" and I even had to clarify at the end that not all Stolitz antis are like that. Cue the replies harassing me, taking it as a personal attack on them and making baseless accusations about me. One of them even sarcastically said "Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and bigoted" as a way to make fun of me. I never said anything remotely similar to that. I don't think they bothered to actually read past the title where I explained that Stolas and Blitzø meeting as children is compared to a bad fanfic when that never gets said about straight couples in media who met as children and that people who hate Stolitz for what it is now only tolerated it when it was just a running gag, as if they can't stand it when gay relationships are being taken seriously. I also mentioned that even non-homophobic Stolitz antis complain about how toxic it is and then turn around to ship Blitzker. (Blitzø x Striker)

I had a similar experience. It's so stupid because like, some of them aren't even subtle about it. Same for chaggie antis. I remember seeing a post talking about how much Charlie doesn't get enough dick, so she's unsatisfied and needs Alastor. Like... I'm sorry, what?

A lot of the arguments stolitz antis are literally inherently bigoted. Like how they want Stolas to be paired with Stella instead even though he's gay. And STILL hating him for "cheating" after The Circus even though he's a gay man being forced to marry an abusive woman? Idk, that's... a red flag 💀 The same people saying stolitz is one sided were the same ones saying that Stolas and Stella were in love not to long ago... sounds like heteronormativity...

And a lot of them are Stella defenders? Sorry that I came to the conclusion that the people doing mental gymnastics defending the cishet abuser calling the gay male abuse victim the abuser may be homophobic 😭

Like, it's not that different from female characters who get hate while the same people shitting on her praise fictional men who are worse or do the same shit. There are clear double standards here. These people turn around and praise cishet media with very similar writing, characters and tropes as Helluva Boss. And not only that, but it's not even just about their relationship specifically. Like, I have a theory that the whole controversy about Stolas being an "abusive" father is because of the stereotype that queer people can't be good parents. And the whole "child and parent have conflict but make up in the end" trope happens in fiction all time (example: Danny Tanner, Jeff Morales, Doofenshmirtz, ect.) Weird how it only became abuse and neglect with Stolas and Via.

Some people are blantly saying they wanted stolitz to "stay a joke", and it feels obvious to me that a lot of them just like queer characters who are queer in a goofy "dark humor" way and not an actual character with queer struggles and/or queer relationships.

People who say "but I disagree and I'm not homophobic!" Be expecting you to give them a pat on the back or something, I swear 💀 Like... good for you? Thanks for not being a bigot? Do you want a reward?

What I don't think people understand is that if they're not homophobic, then the post isn't about them. The fact that they're getting so defensive about posts directed at no one in particular is just weird because it looks worse than it would be if they just kept scrolling. Now it just kind of seems like Freudian Slip.

No one was looking at you until you said something

Of course they're not all the same, but I've seen people straight up call them the f slur

Sorry that happened to you. Just remember that Reddit is INFAMOUS for being toxic, so don't take what people on that app have to say to heart. Like, it's up there with Twitter and Tumblr...

And wouldn't you know it? Those are the 3 sites I see the most Stolas and Blitz hate.

Interesting

#hellaverse #helluva boss #helluva #stolas #stolas goetia #blitzo #blitz #prince stolas #stolitz #long post

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noihavenosanitythanksforasking · 15 days ago

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tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

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