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mdzsartreblogs · 2 years ago

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Recognizing AI Generated Images, Danmei Edition

Heyo, @unforth here! I run some danmei art blogs (@mdzsartreblogs, @tgcfartreblogs, @svsssartreblogs, @zhenhunartreblogs, @erhaartreblogs, @dmbjartreblogs, @tykartreblogs, and @cnovelartreblogs) which means I see a LOT of danmei art, and I go through the main fandom tags more-or-less every day.

Today, for the first time, I spotted someone posting AI-generated images (I refuse to call them AI "art" - and to be clear, that's correct of me, because at least in the US it literally LEGALLY isn't art) without any label indicating they were AI generated. I am not necessarily against the existence of AI-generated images (though really...considering all the legal issues and the risks of misuse, I'm basically against them); I think they potentially have uses in certain contexts (such as for making references) and I also think that regardless of our opinions, we're stuck with them, but they're also clearly not art and I don't reblog them to the art side blogs.

The images I spotted today had multiple "tells," but they were still accumulating notes, and I thought it might be a good moment to step back and point out some of the more obvious tells because my sense is that a LOT of people are against AI-generated images being treated as art, and that these people wouldn't want to support an AI-generator user who tried to foist off their work as actual artwork, but that people don't actually necessarily know how to IDENTIFY those works and therefore can inadvertently reblog works that they'd never support if they were correctly identified. (Similar to how the person who reposts and says "credit to the artist" is an asshole but they're not the same as someone who reposts without any credit at all and goes out of their way to make it look like they ARE the artist when they're not).

Toward that end, I've downloaded all the images I spotted on this person's account and I'm going to use them to highlight the things that led me to think they were AI art - they posted a total of 5 images to a few major danmei tags the last couple days, and several other images not to specific fandoms (I examined 8 images total). The first couple I was suspicious, but it wasn't til this morning that I spotted one so obvious that it couldn't be anything BUT AI art. I am NOT going to name the person who did this. The purpose of this post is purely educational. I have no interest whatsoever in bullying one rando. Please don't try to identify them; who they are is genuinely irrelevant, what matters is learning how to recognize AI art in general and not spreading it around, just like the goal of education about reposting is to help make sure that people who repost don't get notes on their theft, to help people recognize the signs so that the incentive to be dishonest about this stuff is removed.

But first: Why is treating AI-generated images as art bad?

I'm no expert and this won't be exhaustive, but I do think it's important to first discuss why this matters.

On the surface, it's PERHAPS harmless for someone to post AI-generated images provided that the image is clearly labeled as AI-generated. I say "perhaps" because in the end, as far as I'm aware, there isn't a single AI-generation engine that's built on legally-sourced artwork. Every AI (again, to the best of my knowledge) has been trained using copyrighted images usually without the permission of the artists. Indeed, this is the source of multiple current lawsuits. (and another)

But putting that aside (as if it can be put aside that AI image generators are literally unethically built), it's still problematic to support the images being treated as art. Artists spend thousands of hours learning their craft, honing it, sharing their creations, building their audiences. This is what they sell when they offer commissions, prints, etc. This can never be replicated by a computer, and to treat an AI-generated image as in any way equivalent is honestly rude, inappropriate, disgusting imo. This isn't "harmless"; supporting AI image creation engines is damaging to real people and their actual livelihoods. Like, the images might be beautiful, but they're not art. I'm honestly dreading someone managing to convince fandom that their AI-generated works are actual art, and then cashing in on commissions, prints, etc., because people can't be fussed to learn the difference. We really can't let this happen, guys. Fanartists are one of the most vibrant, important, prominent groups in all our fandoms, and we have to support them and do our part to protect them.

As if those two points aren't enough, there's already growing evidence that AI-generated works are being used to further propagandists. There are false images circulating of violence at protests, deep-fakes of various kinds that are helping the worst elements of society to push their horrid agendas. As long as that's a facet of AI-generated works, they'll always be dangerous.

I could go on, but really this isn't the main point of my post and I don't want to get bogged down. Other people have said more eloquently than I why AI-generated images are bad. Read those. (I tried to find a good one to link but sadly failed; if anyone knows a good post, feel free to send it and I'll add the link to the post).

Basically: I think a legally trained AI-image generator that had built-in clear watermarks could be a fun toy for people who want reference images or just to play with making pseudo-art. But...that's not what we have, and what we do have is built on theft and supports dystopia so, uh. Yeah fuck AI-generated images.

How to recognize AI-Generated Images Made in an Eastern Danmei Art Style

NOTE: I LEARNED ALL THE BASIC ON SPOTTING AI-GENERATED IMAGES FROM THIS POST. I'll own I still kinda had the wool over my eyes until I read that post - I knew AI stuff was out there but I hadn't really looked closely enough to have my eyes open for specific signs. Reading that entire post taught me a lot, and what I learned is the foundation of this post.

This post shouldn't be treated as a universal guide. I'm specifically looking at the tells on the kind of art that people in danmei fandoms often see coming from Weibo and other Chinese, Japanese, and Korean platforms, works made by real artists. For example, the work of Foxking (狐狸大王a), kokirapsd, and Changyang (who is an official artist for MDZS, TGCF, and other danmei works). This work shares a smooth use of color, an aim toward a certain flavor of realism, an ethereal quality to the lighting, and many other features. (Disclaimer: I am not an artist. Putting things in arty terms is really not my forte. Sorry.)

So, that's what these AI-generated images are emulating. And on the surface, they look good! Like...

...that's uncontestably a pretty picture (the white box is covering the "artist's" watermark.) And on a glance, it doesn't necessarily scream "AI generated"! But the devil is in the details, and the details are what this post is about. And that picture? Is definitely AI generated.

This post is based on 8 works I grabbed from a single person's account, all posted as their own work and watermarked as such. Some of the things that are giveaways only really show when looking at multiple pieces. I'm gonna start with those, and then I'll highlight some of the specifics I spotted that caused me to go from "suspicious" to "oh yeah no these are definitely not art."

Sign 1: all the images are the exact same size. I mean, to the pixel: 512 x 682 pixels (or 682 x 512, depending on landscape or portrait orientation). This makes zero sense. Why would an artist trim all their pieces to that size? It's not the ideal Tumblr display size (that's 500 x 750 pixels). If you check any actual artist's page and look at the full-size of several of their images, they'll all be different sizes as they trimmed, refined, and otherwise targeted around their original canvas size to get the results they wanted.

Sign 2: pixelated. At the shrunken size displayed on, say, a mobile Tumblr feed, the image looks fine, but even just opening the full size upload, the whole thing is pixelated. Now, this is probably the least useful sign; a lot of artists reduce the resolution/dpi/etc. on their uploaded works so that people don't steal them. But, taken in conjunction with everything else, it's definitely a sign.

Those are the two most obvious overall things - the things I didn't notice until I looked at all the uploads. The specifics are really what tells, though. Which leads to...

Sign 3: the overall work appears to have a very high degree of polish, as if it were made by an artist who really really knows what they're doing, but on inspection - sometimes even on really, REALLY cursory inspect - the details make zero sense and reflect the kinds of mistakes that a real artist would never make.

So, here's the image that I saw that "gave it away" to me, and caused me to re-examine the images that had first struck me as off but that I hadn't been able to immediately put my finger on the problem. I've circled some of the spots that are flagrant.

Do you see yet? Yes? Awesome, you're getting it. No? Okay, let's go point by point, with close ups.

Sign 4: HANDS. Hands are currently AI's biggest weakness, though they've been getting better quickly and honestly that's terrifying. But whatever AI generated this picture clearly doesn't get hands yet, because that hand is truly an eldritch horror. Look at this thing:

It has two palms. It has seven fingers. It's basically two hands overlaid over each other, except one of those hands only has four fingers and the other has three. Seeing this hand was how I went from "umm...maybe they're fake? Maybe they're not???" to "oh god why is ANYONE reblogging this when it's this obvious?" WATCH THE HANDS. (Go back up to that first one posted and look at the hand, you'll see. Or just look right below at this crop.) Here's some other hands:

Sign 5: Hair and shadows. Once I started inspecting these images, the shadows of the hair on the face was one of the things that was most consistently fucked up across all the uploaded pictures. Take a look:

There's shadows of tendrils on the forehead, but there's no corresponding hair that could possibly have made those shadows. Likewise there's a whole bunch of shadows on the cheeks. Where are those coming from? There's no possible source in the rest of the image. Here's some other hair with unrelated wonky shadows:

Sign 6: Decorative motifs that are really just meaningless squiggles. Like, artists, especially those who make fanart, put actual thought into what the small motifs are on their works. Like, in TGCF, an artist will often use a butterfly motif or a flower petal motif to reflect things about the characters. An AI, though, can only approximate a pattern and it can't imbue those with meanings. So you end up with this:

What is that? It's nothing, that's what. It's a bunch of squiggles. Here's some other meaningless squiggle motifs (and a more zoomed-in version of the one just above):

Sign 7: closely related to meaningless squiggle motifs is motifs that DO look like something, but aren't followed through in any way that makes sense. For example, an outer garment where the motifs on the left and the right shoulder/chest are completely different, or a piece of cloth that's supposed to be all one piece but that that has different patterns on different sections of it. Both of these happen in the example piece, see?

The first images on the top left is the left and right shoulder side by side. The right side has a scalloped edge; the left doesn't. Likewise, in the right top picture, you can see the two under-robe lapels; one has a gold decoration and the other doesn't. And then the third/bottom image shows three sections of the veil. One (on the left) has that kind of blue arcy decoration, which doesn't follow the folds of the cloth very well and looks weird and appears at one point to be OVER the hair instead of behind it. The second, on top of the bottom images, shows a similar motif, except now it's gold, and it looks more like a hair decoration than like part of the veil. The third is also part of the same veil but it has no decorations at all. Nothing about this makes any sense whatsoever. Why would any artist intentionally do it that way? Or, more specifically, why would any artist who has this apparent level of technical skill ever make a mistake like this?

They wouldn't.

Some more nonsensical patterns, bad mirrors, etc. (I often put left/right shoulders side by side so that it'd be clearer, sorry if it's weird):

Sign 8: bizarre architecture, weird furniture, etc. Most of the images I'm examining for this post have only partial backgrounds, so it's hard to really focus on this, but it's something that the post I linked (this one) talks about a lot. So, like, an artist will put actual thought into how their construction works, but an AI won't because an AI can't. There's no background in my main example image, but take a look at this from another of my images:

On a glance it's beautiful. On a few seconds actually staring it's just fucking bizarre. The part of the ceiling on the right appears to be domed maybe? But then there's a hard angle, then another. The windows on the right have lots of panes, but then the one on the middle-left is just a single panel, and the ones on the far left have a complete different pane model. Meanwhile, also on the left side at the middle, there's that dark gray...something...with an arch that mimics the background arches except it goes no where, connects to nothing, and has no apparent relationship to anything else going on architecturally. And, while the ceiling curves, the back wall is straight AND shows more arches in the background even though the ceiling looks to end. And yes, some of this is possible architecture, but taken as a whole, it's just gibberish. Why would anyone who paints THAT WELL paint a building to look like THAT? They wouldn't. It's nonsense. It's the art equivalent of word salad. When we look at a sentence and it's like "dog makes a rhythmical salad to betray on the frame time plot" it almost resembles something that might mean something but it's clearly nonsense. This background is that sentence, as art.

Sign 9: all kinds of little things that make zero sense. In the example image, I circled where a section of the hair goes BELOW the inner robe. That's not impossible but it just makes zero sense. As with many of these, it's the kind of thing that taken alone, I'd probably just think "well, that was A Choice," but combined with all the other weird things it stands out as another sign that something here is really, really off. Here's a collection of similar "wtf?" moments I spotted across the images I looked at (I'm worried I'm gonna hit the Tumblr image cap, hence throwing these all in one, lol.)

You have to remember that an actual artist will do things for a reason. And we, as viewers, are so used to viewing art with that in mind that we often fill in reasons even when there aren't. Like, in the image just about this, I said, "what the heck are these flowers growing on?" And honestly, I COULD come up with explanations. But that doesn't mean it actually makes sense, and there's no REASON for it whatsoever. The theoretical same flowers are, in a different shot, growing unsupported! So...what gives??? The answer is nothing gives. Because these pieces are nothing. The AI has no reason, it's just tossing in random aesthetic pieces together in a mishmash, and the person who generated them is just re-generating and refining until they get something that looks "close enough" to what they wanted. It never was supposed to make sense, so of course it doesn't.

In conclusion...

After years of effort, artists have gotten across to most of fandom that reposts are bad, and helped us learn strategies for helping us recognize reposts, and given us an idea of what to do when we find one.

Fandom is just at the beginning of this process as it applies to AI-generated images. There's a LOT of education that has to be done - about why AI-generated images are bad (the unethical training using copyrighted images without permission is, imo, critical to understanding this), and about how to spot them, and then finally about what to do when you DO find them.

With reposts, we know "tell original artist, DCMA takedowns, etc." That's not the same with these AI-images. There's no original owner. There's no owner at all - in the US, at least, they literally cannot be copyrighted. Which is why I'm not even worrying about "credit" on this post - there's nothing stolen, cause there's nothing made. So what should you do?

Nothing. The answer is, just as the creator has essentially done nothing, you should also do nothing. Don't engage. Don't reblog. Don't commission the creator or buy their art prints. If they do it persistently and it bothers you, block them. If you see one you really like, and decide to reblog it, fine, go for it, but mark it clearly - put in the ACTUAL COMMENTS (not just in the tags!) that it's AI art, and that you thought it was pretty anyway. But honestly, it'd be better to not engage, especially since as this grows it's inevitable that some actual artists are going to start getting accused of posting AI-generated images by over-zealous people. Everyone who gets a shadow wrong isn't posting AI-generated images. A lot of these details are insanely difficult to get correct, and lots of even very skilled, accomplished artists, if you go over their work with a magnifying glass you're going to find at least some of these things, some weirdnesses that make no sense, some shadows that are off, some fingers that are just ugh (really, getting hands wrong is so relatable. hands are the fucking worst). It's not about "this is bad art/not art because the hand is wrong," it's specifically about the ways that it's wrong, the way a computer randomly throws pieces together versus how actual people make actual mistakes. It's all of the little signs taken as a whole to say "no one who could produce a piece that, on the surface, looks this nice, could possibly make THIS MANY small 'mistakes.'"

The absolute best thing you can do if you see AI-generated images being treated as real art is just nothing. Support actual artists you love, and don't spread the fakes.

Thanks for your time, everyone. Good luck avoiding AI-generated pieces in the future, please signal boost this, and feel free to get in touch if you think I can help you with anything related to this.

#resources

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boopsiesdaisies · 4 months ago

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As You Wish (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Spencer Reid x Reader | Halloween Fluff | 1,255 words

Masterlist

You talked Spencer into a couple's costume and it's the day of Halloween, but you still don't have any ideas.

Note: Reader wears a character costume that identifies as female. Spencer Reid has sensory issues.

Am I a few days early? Sure. Did this make me giggle and kick my feet? Absolutely.

Halloween. Your favourite day of the year and you finally had a day off. But even better you had finally talked your boyfriend into a couple's costume. Everything was going to be perfect. A few of your friends from college were hosting a very low-key adult-only Halloween costume party. All of you were going to sit around, have a few drinks and just catch-up. It was a perfect time for Spencer to finally meet your friends from outside the BAU and get to have a bit of normalcy. You and Spencer would then go home early and you would let him pick out a horror movie for you two to watch together. Which typically looked more like Spencer pointing out various facts and you listening to him talk and completely missing the point of the movie, but you could listen to him for hours. Spencer Reid’s tangents were your favourite part of him, the passion in his eyes everytime was what drew you to him in the first place and it never ceased to make you smile.

Unfortunately, due to the time commitment being in the BAU, you and Spencer had yet to actually buy a costume and the party started in about four hours. So there you stood in the almost empty Spirit Halloween trying to talk him into any couples’ costume that was left.

“Okay we could do like Daphne and Fred from Scooby Doo! They solve mysteries, we solve crimes, it's perfect” You held up the bags to see the very disappointing look on Spencer’s face.

“No, I’m not blond,” Spencer replied without even looking up from the aisle, wiping it hands over and over on his pants. “Plus, they barely solve anything most of the time it’s handed to them or achieved through deus ex machina.”

He didn’t make eye contact with you the entire time he spoke. Choosing to glance around the floor to the empty shelves and then back again; relaxing and tensing his jaw as he tried to focus on anything but the world around him. You knew this was a bit overwhelming for him. It was such a last minute ordeal, you completely screwed his schedule up as the vacation day was so last minute, and every Spirit Halloween insisted on never turning on the air conditioning making it far too warm. Not to mention the mother and son arguing in the background about Paw Patrol characters. You were grateful Spencer was even here, but he was really giving you nothing.

“Spence, it’s a costume! You don’t have to be blond to be Fred,” you explained, putting the costumes back, knowing that arguing wasn’t going to achieve what you needed.

You needed two costumes and fast. Time was ticking and the selection of the store was dwindling fast. Plus, you knew your boyfriend was stubborn and sometimes it’s easiest to pick your battles.

“Oh! Oh! We could be Barbie and Ken!” You run across the aisle finding the last two bags of the costumes and bring them back to Spencer.

Spencer turned from the aisle to look at the costumes, “that’s an extra large Ken costume.”

You looked Spencer up and down and put the two costumes back on the shelf where you were standing. Normally, you would go out of your way to put things back in the proper place but considering there were 6 total costumes in this aisle the change of distance wasn’t going to change anyone’s life. So, there you stood looking at the last option, a sexy police officer and a prisoner.

“Sexy Captain Miss Behaving and her latest catch,” you read of the label.

You were terrified to turn to Spencer’s face as you felt the blush begin to spread on your cheeks. God, why was this Spirit Halloween so warm?

“I could point out a plethora of misattributions in just the label alone,” Spencer goes to start reading off the label, but before he can you just put it back on the shelf.

“Spence, I really appreciate you going out of your comfort zone this year and agreeing to do a couple’s costume with me, but you’re not really giving me anything to work with,” you lightly touch his arm.

“It’s just – These costumes don’t even make sense and even though polyester is apparently the fabric of the future, it’s extraordinarily coarse and unbreathable because of the shape of the molecular structure. Plus because it can’t absorb moisture for the same reasons, you’re just sitting in your sweat and then I can feel it and it’s awful. But also it can contain antimony oxide which can cause skin irritation to the point of mimicking burns, and long-term exposure can lead to chronic bronchitis or chronic emphysema.” Spencer rambled.

“Spencer, first off you’re not going to get chronic bronchitis just from one night in a Halloween costume, but I appreciate the concern. But why don’t we just try to find something else? I’ll just let my friends know that something came up for work and we can’t make it. They get it,” you understood that this was something that maybe you just wouldn’t get to do this year.

It was so last minute anyways, you knew you probably weren’t going to get a costume anyways. Plus Spencer seemed to be dreading the idea of meeting your friends since you broached the topic this morning, but he seemed to be playing along for your sake.

“No, I want to go.” Spencer said.

“Spence, don’t force yourself to go just because I want to, you can just meet them all another time,” you smiled.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go, I just…” He paused and then sighed. “I don’t want to make a bad impression and polyester isn’t the way to do that, and I don’t think these costumes suit us. I want to go to the party with you because I want to get to know the people that make you happy.”

The admission was so sweet you almost walked out of that Spirit Halloween and wept tears of joy, thanking every holy being for bringing you to him.

“Wait! I got it!” You yelled a bit too loud for being in public. “Stay right here, I saw the costume for me on the way in and then we will run home and make your’s!”

“How are we going to have time–” Spencer started, but you had run off before you had even let him start.

Standing in the doorway of your friends’ house, you knew the costume was perfect. Spencer seemed so much more comfortable in his own clothes, a black button-down and black slacks – two items that he practically lived in at work. And there you stood in a long red dress; the two of you were Buttercup and Westley from The Princess Bride.

“I still don’t think that the costume really suits me,” Spencer looked over at you, wiping his hands on his pants again.

You grab his hand and hold it in your own hand hoping to help calm him down, “I think it suits you perfectly, you’re brave in the face of danger, who really believes in right and wrong, and you’re my hero.”

Spencer smiles at you, “as you wish.”

The grin that covered your face must have been ridiculous as you turned around to look at him and leaned in to kiss him. You let him close the space between the two of you, the silent confirmation of your affections towards each other always made your heart flutter. It was really going to be the best Halloween.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #fanfic #halloween #princess bride #couples costume

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chronicbeans · 1 year ago

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Queerplatonic Alastor x Reader Headcanons

Hehe my plan of writing headcanons for various Aroace-spec identity Alastor headcanons has begun. This one is with a cupioromantic and asexual Alastor in mind. I haven't seen enough of them, and as they say! "If you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself."

TW: Frustrations regarding romantic identity, complete unawareness of certain LGBTQ+ topics (my man's from the 1920's, he's almost completely in the dark), slight yandere behavior? (I feel he's just obsessive by default, regardless of the relationship type)

• So, this man has never necessarily identified himself with any sort of LGBTQ+ labels. Back in his day, there weren't any terms to use for being asexual or aromantic. At least, not any that he knew of. He's always been comfortable with his sexuality, though! His main thought process was always "I'll probably find someone that I'm attracted to at some point, and if I don't, that's alright." That thought process has also followed him down to Hell, and stayed the same for all these years.

• However... Whilst he's very comfortable with his sexuality... His romantic feelings are very complicated, now. He's always desired to have one, and he's very confused as to why he hasn't felt any romantic attraction, yet. It makes sense that someone who wants a romantic relationship to be able to feel romantic attraction, yes? He's very much in the dark to the complexities of how these things really work, mostly due to him being from the 1920s-30s. He's caught up on slang and technology, but he hasn't bothered to keep up with sexualities and romantic identities, as he doesn't think about them much.

• So, does he ask any more modern demons and sinners for help? Ha! No. He's too prideful, and simply assumes that there probably isn't much of a difference in knowledge on romantic attraction as compared to his day. Yes, he's aware that there's way more identities for sexualities. People talk about them often, and he hears terms thrown around here and there as he walks through Hell. He never hears anything in regards to romance, though. It's simply not talked about as often, from his experience. So, he's completely in the dark. If anything, he's probably completely unaware that there are identities for romantic attraction.

• He does what he can to cope. This whole situation is very frustrating for him. However, at the same time, he thinks that it shouldn't be so frustrating. So, it's embarrassing to him, and he doesn't tell anyone about it. Instead, he does what he believes everyone who is single and ready to mingle does: reading romance novels. More specifically, he flips to parts where said attraction is described, or little scenarios that he wants is going on. Restaurant dates, walking through the park, dancing, holding hands and cuddling. Those sorts of things! Things nobody would ever expect someone as unhinged as him would want...

• The most frustrating part, however, is that he feels he should already be feeling such an attraction to you. You, being his most close friend. You're the one he trusts with certain secrets, one of the few people he doesn't mind touching him unprompted (besides, say, Niffty), and probably the only person he lets his smile down around. Though, he rarely does so, as he doesn't want to worry you. Unlike Niffty, who he sees as having a more familial feeling towards, he sees you as a close friend. His closest friend, but just a close friend, which frustrates him to no end.

• It takes him a long time to even think of mentioning it to someone. However, when he does, he'd feel too awkward to bring it up to you. So, he decides to speak to Charlie about it! After all, she has one of the more "modern" relationships. So, she probably also knows something about whatever is going on with him! And after the long and grueling process of talking to her? He comes out even more frustrated than before. Being unable to feel romantic attraction, but still want romance? Cupioromantic? It is all so confusing. However, he won't question it. He's clearly out of his zone, and he was horribly wrong when assuming the world of romance hadn't progressed...

• You, however, are his most trusted friend. His closest friend. So, he decides to waste no time in deciding to propose an idea to you. He's heard of these things called "queerplatonic relationships", and his understanding is that they are like friendships, but with some more traditionally romantic interactions involved. Which, whilst his understanding of the nature of queerplatonic relationships may be a bit off, he's trying his best. Once you explain it a bit further, emphasizing that they're closer relationships than friendships, but not romantic and can vary widely in affectionate interactions, he is immediately is set on trying to start one with you. Luckily, though, you agree rather quickly.

• Despite him wanting many of your interactions and ways of showing affection to be more traditionally romantic, such as cuddling or going out on friendly dates, he won't cross any boundaries. Both because you're his closest, most prized relationship with another person, and because he can't think of many other people who would even be willing to enter such a relationship with him if he ever asked. Not that he'd want to ask anyone else. There's a reason why he immediately went to you. It's hard for him to describe it, though. Despite being a man of words, whenever he tries to explain why he feels like you are the perfect person for him to enter this queerplatonic relationship with, he stumbles heavily.

• His little ideal for this relationship is, essentially, the types of things he's read in the romance novels he has. Sure, a little bit of a twisted version of it, but at it's core it's the same. He wants to cuddle in a nice, safe, and warm room (while there's probably the screams of an extermination going on the background). He wants to go to restaurants (this man's a cannibal so check your food). He wants to do the cheesy move of handing you red roses and candy as a gift (do not ask how he was able to buy such an expensive brand, or where the two large, heavy trash bags came from or what they are filled with).

• He's going to be very, VERY protective of you. Almost, if not completely to an obsessive degree. He knows how Hell is. People want power, and he's powerful, and you are close to him. He's sure many people are going to go after you, in order to get to him. So, your little relationship is going to be as well protected of a secret as it can be, at first, until he believes he can properly protect you from any danger. And after the secret is out, he's going to be right by your side the entire time. Literally. Whenever he can be, he's next to you. Nobody, except maybe Vox or another pesky overlord, is going to try to hurt you as long as he is there. Even then, he could completely destroy them, anyways!

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor the radio demon #alastor #hazbin hotel headcanon #alastor headcanons #lgbtq headcanons #lgbtq+ headcanons #queerplatonic #cupioromantic #aroace spectrum #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x reader

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a-dragons-journal · 2 months ago

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How exactly is being otherkin any different than being transracial by idea? I’m not pro-transracial, but I can’t really formulate an argument on where the difference is and why one is okay while the other isn’t

The difference, in my opinion at least, basically comes down to the fact that race and ethnicity are things other real people deal with and which have big cultural impact for a lot of people; species is not. You can't hurt theriform wolves by identifying as a wolf because wolves are not people and are not aware of any of this. Dragons may be people depending on the dragon, but they don't exist physically in this world to have an opinion. You can, however, hurt people of color by identifying as transethnicity and approaching it in a disrespectful way.

And I say it that way because if I'm honest, transethnicity is one of those transIDs where I'm... a little torn on it. I can understand the feelings and experiences they're describing, but I struggle to find a way to engage with the idea of being transethnicity that isn't going to wind up being racist in one way or another. And while I haven't exactly spent a ton of time in radqueer/transID spaces, when I've gone into their tags and such to do a little research on them, I have overwhelmingly seen transethnicity people being kind of if not extremely racist about it. The experiences are not inherently harmful, but it's really easy to slide into engaging with those experiences in a way that's harmful.

And yet... in this community we have, for example, fictionkin whose fictotypes are a different race than them all the time, and sometimes that's very important to who their fictotype is and how they view the world. And that works out fine. I think the primary difference is that fictionkin are generally expected to acknowledge that they're not a part of that group in the present and can't speak on the group's issues or experiences as if they were, whereas the minute you put a trans- label onto the word, the expectation is that you should be treating a trans[x] person as if they're [x]. (And if it's not, then... why are you calling it trans- anything to begin with when that's what trans- means in an identity context?)

So, I do genuinely believe that they're having these experiences, but... idk, there has to be a better way to frame and engage with those experiences. I don't know what that is, but it's got to be out there somewhere, though it may not be a one-size-fits-all answer. (And maybe there's a transID community out there that's found it, I don't know.)

Anyway, open invitation for POC to give their thoughts on this, since they've probably got better-constructed ones than me; if I'm honest, I haven't spent all that much time thinking about this issue. I think about it on and off here and there when it comes up and then it gives me a headache so I move on.

#otherkin #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #my opinion on transid stuff kind of boils down to just #50% of it is 'do you know you're allowed to just want things?' (transoccupation; transhaircolor; etc)#30% of it is 'you are almost certainly not trans[x] you're just [x] and are gatekeeping yourself/enshrining questioning doubt -#- as part of your identity instead of getting over it' (for the last time you cannot be transotherkin. you're just otherkin. it's okay)#(see also transplural and a lot of transabled)#10% of it is 'oh my gods you should under no circumstances be making that part of your identity' (transharmful; transabuser)#and 10% of it is this 'your experiences are real but there's gotta be a better way to engage with them than this' (transethnicity; transage #a LOT of it is just... why do you feel the need to put EVERY aspect of yourself through a trans lens #it doesn't have to be trans to be valid. you can just want things. in some cases you can just Be Things #anyway. that's my ramble for the day #transid #transethnicity #i am intentionally using that term preferentially bc i know transrace can mean something non-transid #just for the record on why i made that change from your original phrasing #anyway. brace for 48 hours of arguing about radqueer stuff in my notes and inbox o7

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honeylemony · 3 months ago

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i would love to understand this better.

Was having a conversation with another lesbian today who had issue with me saying "if you're open to men you can't call yourself a lesbian". She said that if she's horny enough she would "use a man" but doesn't ever see herself asking for sex from a man. I asked her how does she expect a man to approach her if she identifies as a lesbian. Does she expect men to feel comfortable approaching lesbians for sex?

Like, this is just a fundamental issue with the identity wars we have going on lately. In practice, labels are only ever meant to communicate in shorthand a relationship you want with other people, a request for how they interact with you. One single label was never meant to encapsulate an entire complex human experience. But if you're using an accepted label you need to understand that it is communicating things about you that other people will understand in the most dominant definition of the word.

I asked her more about it. It came down to, she was asexual but had high libido. She said she didn't really want men OR women approaching her, and only ever wanted a relationship with women. I said that that seemed like a personal intersection between her identities that didn't equal a problem with the lesbian label as a whole. I asked her why she didn't feel comfortable using bisexual and she reiterated she doesn't want to approach men for sex or have them approach her. I asked again how she ever sees herself having sex with a man, how would that initiate, and she couldn't answer me.

Like. And this is the problem. Why aren't we using labels to describe the behaviors we want? Why are we using labels as a "maybe, kinda, sorta, I could see myself doing this" instead of a communication and request between yourself and other people? I fear we are rapidly approaching an area where "any label can mean anything" becomes a band-aid for not actually externalizing asking for certain experiences from other people. A mental thought-stopper that prevents true introspection of your own personal needs from taking place.

If you're expecting a relationship with the world and not asking for it, that is literally your fault. No one else knows to provide you things if you aren't communicating them. It is not a problem of the label you're using (that asks men not to approach lesbians) if the behavior you're receiving is that men don't approach you.

#Anti bi lesbian #anti mspec lesbian #Lesbian #LGBT #Queer theory #Bi lesbian #Mspec lesbian #Asexuality

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irazai · 8 months ago

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. . . (🍷) ֶָ֢ 𔓘 MY EYES ARE GRATEFUL, THEY BOW INFRONT OF YOU ; a dazai osamu fic. ❞

SUMMARY . dazai is a coward. he knows it. and he is damn sure the universe hates him to put him in this predicament -- a rainy day, you and your flirty mouth, alone in one house with his heart beating and stomach churning in desire. he only has so much self control to refrain himself from pouncing onto you when you ask him to teach you to dance.

❛ ━━･❪ my brain always cowers in fear ;

when the heart of a lover is near.

and why do i still feel shame?

when even my heart ignites in flames.

flames of resistance light me up ;

oh, how do you resist the line separating you from inanity?

drown with me and frown at me ;

you are insatiable, really you are.

the sight of a lover fills me with regret ;

and i drown in the river of love.

for this love of your's is a desire.

had i resisted it any longer,

would i continue to cower in fear at the sight of a lover? ❫ ･━━ ❜

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . um i tried writing poetry yet again and if no one appreciates me and especially on dazai's bday then i will be very sad \●o●/.

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . tw ; bestfriends's older brother!dazai, fem!reader, angst, nsfw, slow burn.

desires. hidden or not, everyone has some or a certain kind of desire to some extent which should never be revealed to a second party or acted upon due to our own conscience and morals labeling this desire as 'scandalous', 'forbidden', 'wrong'.

but humans act. we act. on desires too tempting, we act.

and if the desire is a man named dazai osamu, it's hard to not act on it.

the man is wrapped with temptation, oozing with illicit desires everytime he opens his mouth or as much as looks at you.

yet funnily enough, you always find yourself waltzing between the border of temptation and desire, on the line of conscience. everytime you somehow find yourself in a situation where you are alone with dazai.

you smiled as you thank him before even entering the car ; for going through the hassle of picking you up from your viola lessons as the weather isn't ideal for a pedestrian.

with a sheet of grey covering the sky and asking the clouds from nearby to gather and be its audience, the winds blew in a chilly excitement yet that didn't affect you as soon as you closed the car door, smiling at dazai as you were about to thank him again. but he is aware of your habits and personality by now.

so dazai leaned a bit near you to place his index finger on your lips, gently silencing you as he smiled charmingly, "uh uh, not another word out of those preety lips darling. you don't gotta thank me, you know i would never mind doing anything for you, right?"

he says to move your heartstrings to his likings but your brain knows not to let your heart fall for this. he has been doing this ever since you first knocked on their house door, a innocent smile on your face as you told the charming boy that you were here for his younger sister due to being partnered up for a project. and at that time, you were naive and blinded by childish innocence to not notice the charming smirk laced with flirtation was the only sign to identify him as the devil.

that was then when you were fourteen and he was sixteen and the present is now when you are nineteen and he is twenty one.

you part your lips a bit to let your tongue out and licked his finger, you watched with mirth how his eyes widened and he immediately pulled his finger back though the faint pink which settled on the shell of his ears isn't a detail you can ignore now, not after spending years admiring him.

"looks like you have no self control darling." dazai muttered, grinning a bit as he turned the key to start the car again and you scoffed playfully, shaking your head to let go of the hesitance that's holding you back.

". . . if it's for a man like you, i don't have self control or resistance then." you smile as you flirt in an attempt to gauge out his reactions. one hint is all you need to retreat or continue with these feelings you have been harbouring since so long. one hint at whether he feels the same or not and you will be content till your heart aches once again for your fantasies to become true and till your brain pities your heart enough to go against its usual rational ways to go with the flow of feelings and emotions.

"keep speaking like this and i am sure to melt." dazai continued to grin yet that grin faltered soon when you raised your hands slightly over your head to strech them, bending to the side as much as the cramped space of the car allows and a deep sigh left your lips the moment you felt your stiff muscles being streched, the pleasantly specific sensation had taken over your body for a mere few seconds.

and in those few seconds, hands of temptation that dazai always holds, now began to wonder all over his own body.

it had been definitely the work of the sweater you wore above the black bodycon dress reaching just a bit above your knees. the sweater was loose and hanged loosely by your shoulders but when you stretched your hands a bit, it moved up to reveal your covered clevage a bit. maybe it was the bold dress itself or maybe the fragrance you used -- either way, something made dazai fall on his feet and the hand offered to help him on his feets were you, dressed in temptation.

swaying him by tilting your head, you waltzed and led him deeper into your web of temptation while he let you, watching you dreamily.

"you are staring." you point out after finding him nor his gaze faltering away from you and truthfully, as much as it's making you nervous, it's also making your stomach and lower abdomen feel tingles of joy.

"mhm." he hummed.

"you do that alot."

maybe it's the weather letting you two be carefree or perhaps the frustrations finally breaking. desperation taking charge of the revolution which is the confession of the state of the heart, prepared to overthrow the brain and its tyrannical ways of controlling the heart by throwing fears and doubts towards it. fear and doubts who were birthed from insecurities.

"do what?"

"stare at me. why?" you look at him curiously and dazai furrows his eyebrows as he too thinks on why he does this. what exactly makes him do this.

he slowly parted his lips as he stared at his bandaged hands, eyebrows still furrowed due to focusing on trying to decipher each and every feeling and thought of his.

"i just do . . . i can't really help myself. whenever you walk in our house as well, it's like i just can't look away from you. i don't know why but it's like you are a magnet. my eyes always find you." dazai quietly and lowly admitted. to him and to you.

"always?" you tilt your head. goosebumps rised on your arms to bid goodbye to the dictatorship of the brain and insecurities which took a step back.

dazai looked at you and gulped. he stayed quiet for a few seconds as he let temptation in the form of you to wrap your arms around him in the ballroom and allowed you to pull him towards you till your noses bumped.

you are temptation. he is tempted.

he looked at your features quickly and nodded, whispering, "always."

oh! eyes are the beholder of the truth and lies,

and staring at you would perhaps be dazai's demise.

"that's good to know." you softly tell as you look out of the window and at the same time, dazai too looks away from you as he stares at the road ahead and begins to drive.

you lean your elbow against the window as you cover your mouth with your palm, smiling shyly at the way his words repeat in your mind and makes all your cells to celebrate in joy.

dazai glanced at you when you had rolled down the window and he felt his heart stop beating for a mere second when he watched you, the way the wind from outside had you closing your eyes ; he truly can never take his eyes away from you.

tragedy it is!

he has to drive the car or else he would've loved to sit in silence and mindlessly admire you, once again memorize the curve of your nose and jaw, your eyebrows and eyelashes and your cheeks which he wants to cup and caress with his fingers.

dazai shook his head a bit to get rid of these tempting thoughts and looked forwards though the way his heart had lifted the ends of his lips into a small smile isn't something he could or would get rid of. letting the serendipity of this moment convince his brain to let his heart control for once and to give priority to emotions rather then rationality for this one moment.

a romantic tragedy!

how his hands itch and twitch to grab yours which lays on your lap yet he can't.

why?

because some desires should not be acted on, ever. or that's what a coward says to himself.

but humans act! the world is our stage. a man performs till he dies and when he dies, his successors perform!

and no human lived without performing. without acting.

acting to hide oneself. acting on one's desires.

dazai lifted one of his hands and placed it on top of yours, watching from his peripheral vision as you looked startled and looked down at his hand on top of your's. your breathing quickened a bit but soon it went back to normal again and you relaxed even more then what you were before.

dazai felt himself getting relief in exchange of the breath he exhaled when you didn't say anything or try to push his hand off. you just looked out of the window and dazai focused on driving again.

yet he felt blood rush to his cheeks and settle over there in the form of a faint pink blush when only a few seconds later, you lifted your other hand and placed it on top of his, squeezing it lightly.

this must mean you share some feelings for him too, right? should he take a step forwards or should he stay in this lane and just continue to playfully flirt and tease you?

but what about the coil of confession in his throat that is begging to be let out right now, begging to be uncoiled and let you hear his words of vulnerability.

but a step forwards initiates a change and dazai would hate if the change between you two and the relationship you share now is bad.

so he stays. like the human he is, he hesitates and he acts!

not on his desires but by wearing the mask on self restraint.

for a few minutes in the chilly and descending into chaos like weather, you and dazai sat in silence as you idly caress his knuckles with the pad of your thumb before you remember something and you softly gasp, making dazai look at you as he hums at the sudden noise.

"i have a dance on next friday. my professor said if i danced at the freshers party with another senior, she'll give me extra credits points." you tell as you raise your head to stare and dazai and he hums, telling you silently to continue.

". . . i dont know how to dance. never did it." you admit quietly and watch the first flower bloom when spring approaches and in the same sense, dazai's lips curve upwards as he throws a quick glance at you.

dazai looks good no matter what. and only if your eyes could look past the nonchalant exterior, you could've seen bitter jealousy take over him at the thought of you dancing with someone else and being in the arms of another man who isn't him.

dazai looks good no matter what he is feeling though.

but you decided that you prefer him the way he is now. quiet yet sincere and a bit of a coward to face his feelings head on but this has dazai. a charming loser.

"you want me to teach you?"

"yeah."

"why?" dazai asked and it was your turn to go silent now but unlike him who did so to search for the right words, you went quiet to search for courage to tell what your heart carved out of its flesh.

"because you . . are like a breath of fresh air which burns my lungs." raw and sincere, words spoken without fear then why are your words so confusing.

"pardon?" dazai looked at you with furrowed eyebrows as he stops the car infront of a red signal. "what do you mean?"

you take a deep breath as you stare at him, the soft frown on his face as his eyes are filled with confusion.

he must've made amends with gravity or the one who controls it. because you have no other way to explain why you are leaning towards him slowly. dazai found his eyes staring at your face and then your lips and then at your chest which was rising and falling and he loved how you were always so open and easy to read yet at the same time so hard to reach and touch and to cherish.

"you burn me because . . ." you trail off. the words to end this sentence are hanging from the tip of your tongue but they refuse to fall and ruin the glass surface of this relationship you two have, the words are afraid to break the glass and discover what is hidden under it in fear of being rejected. you stop leaning closer.

dazai didn't like your sudden stop and so, he continued on the journey you abruptly stopped on, leaning near you as he lowly spoke, "because? complete your words darling."

"because . . ." you breath out as you see him leaning near and your eyes nearly fluttured shut when the tip of his nose bumped into yours but he still did not stop and so you softly called, "dazai?"

"osamu. don't call me dazai, it's osamu for you." he corrected you and the moment his lips lightly touched your's, hearing your incomplete words didn't matter anymore. dazai wanted to close his eyes, to grab your face and pull you closer, to explore your body and tightly grab and squeeze your hands but the red light turning green from his peripheral vision stopped him. it woke him from his dreams and told him to get a grip of himself.

and when he turned around to focus on driving again, you leaned back on the seat with widened eyes. you wonder till how long can you control your desires anymore.

. . . you can't. not when the situation played out in your favor in such a weird way.

to put it simply, a chain of events took place once dazai parked the car infront of his house.

it began with light drizzle as you stepped out of his car and by the time you and dazai jogged towards his house, the drizzling turned into full blown rain. the moment dazai opened the door and allowed you inside first, his hand brushed against your ass or maybe that was your imagination. maybe he didn't actually touch your lower waist as he gently pushed you inside the house and maybe his ring and index finger didn't graze over your ass due to his outstretched hand.

that may have been your imagination but the next moment wasn't. you immediately made your way into his sister's room as you've been here many times before to recognize the creak of the stairs beneath your feet immediately. you did not imagine it when you saw your bestfriend's room void of her presence and you certainly did not imagine when dazai entered the room while you were trying to remove the wet sweater.

and this is certainly not a fragment of imagination for no amounts of imagination can mimic the actual feeling of dazai's cold fingertips sliding up your arms as he silently stood infront of you and helped you lift the wet sweater.

you couldn't look at him and so, you closed your eyes but dazai did the opposite as he refused to close his eyes, intensely staring at you.

"mom and dad are stuck with the little brat. they went to a relative's house . . . and won't be returning till the weather turns a bit less violent." he told you in a low voice, void of his usual playfulness and that cherry tone but instead his voice holds a volume of calmness and sincerity and its seducingly dangerous.

his voice reached your ears and the sound waves which traveled through your ear to your brain strayed a bit, reaching to your heart to smile at it. and the way your heartrate accelerated was a clear sign for your brain on how seductive dazai is.

"do you have any idea when they'll return?"

"why? do you not like the idea of being alone with me?" dazai smiled at you as he leaned down after helping you remove the wet sweater, his hands gripped your wrists as he tilted his head.

"that's not what i meant." you try to defend yourself as you gulp at the close proximity and you had spoken up so slowly and nervously that it gave dazai sufficient time to eye you up and down.

"be careful darling," dazai muttered as he raised his eyes to stare at you again, "you are hurting me alot here."

he grinned boyishly at the way you had stiffened up nervously at the beginning of his sentence and the way you blinked after being caught off guard with his joke.

"shit, you are so cute. just wanna kiss you." dazai flirts again yet the way he does so is by using his genuine words and wrap them with the tone of playful flirting.

the line between resistance and desires is the one dazai dances on.

you shake your head as the smile becomes hard to be hidden on your face and away from his sharp eyes. you raise your hands (his hands are still gripping your wrists) and place them on his shoulder before gently pushing him.

"get out, i want to change."

"and? do it infront of me. what's stopping you?" the boyish grin didn't leave dazai's face the way your own amused one didn't leave your's as you continued to talk to him.

and when you two talked it always became hard to keep a track on when a playful banter turned into a confession disguised as flirtation.

"what's stopping you from undressing me?" you reply back but the way his grin faltered as the exact reasons of what is stopping him comes to mind makes him loose the playful aura, like it always does.

your own shoulders dropped when you saw dazai standing straight as he smiled in a flirtatious manner once again but you knew the way he is smiling now and the way he smiled before are very different and this one is far less sincere.

"i'll wait for you in my room." dazai said and oh, why act like nothing happened when a lot clearly did?

"why?" you didn't mean to snap but it happened, since your heart held onto a thread of hope which snapped and now, the heart grew hopeless.

"didn't you say you wanted me to teach you how to dance?" dazai slowly spoke, he watched the temptation dressed in you running away from him and he hopelessly watched you go.

"i changed my mind. i don't want you to teach me . . . anything." you say as you take a step back from him, feeling your knees about to give up. why do you two find yourselves in this predicament every single time? every time when you feel as if you two will develop something and change something, he always takes a step back.

dazai osamu is the biggest coward when it comes to facing his own feelings and emotions.

and who is the fool who said indirect rejections hurted less?

they hurt less? but they are crushing your shoulders under the weight of sorrow and your knees can no longer support your body and carry it.

"are you sure?" dazai quietly asked as he looked at you even when you had turned your head to stare at the curtain flowing due to the windows being opened and letting in the harsh breezes before you slowly looked at him again.

"very." you whisper out as you take another step back while dazai took one forward.

"who will teach you to dance then?"

"i will ask any other guy." you tell the thought which began to plague his mind.

he stood at the entrance of the venue and watched temptation dressed as you stop on your way out to talk to another man, the man began to lean towards you as if with the intention to kiss you and dazai immediately snapped back into the possibilities of reality.

the thought of another guy wrapping his arms around your waist and pull you closer as the two of you waltz and what if your knee brushed against his and this makes the guy lean towards you?

won't dazai be absolutely crushed?

"change. and you will come to my room. am i making myself clear?" dazai demanded and somehow his low tone which is void of any playfulness makes him sound more intimidating and hot.

he reached for your hand to grab your wrist and pulled you towards him, glaring at you but not in anger, his soft eyes told that he isn't angry at you. he is merely jealous at his own imagination and irritated at the possibilities of them becoming the truth in the distant future.

you gulp. why are you feeling butterflies right now?

you could only nod and do nothing else. even after dazai smiled a bit at your obedience and patted your cheek before leaving you.

it took nearly ten minutes for you to change into a oversized t-shirt and some shorts. changing out of your partially wet clothes wasn't what consumed most of your time. rather it was the process of gathering courage and preparing yourself to face the man who makes your heart beat fast and also somehow its him who makes your heart sink too.

you knocked on his door with the back of your knuckles once and entered as you heard him tell you to come in, you closed the door with your leg as your eyes stayed on him as he too had changed into more comfortable and dry clothes which consisted of brown sweatpants and a beige oversized t-shirt.

you aren't supposed to stop in your steps and stare at him but you do because when dazai looks at peace and comfortable, there is no better sight to admire.

"come here darling, you know i won't bite." dazai mocked but he did it so gently that you couldn't even think about getting offended.

you can't bring yourself to take a step forwards and when one becomes unresponsive, the overthinker thinks over and over again.

"i am sorry." dazai slowly begins as he takes a step towards you, "was i being too mean? did i scare you?" dazai asked as he continued to walk towards you and when he stood infront of you, you raised your eyes to look at him as if you are hypnotized.

dazai runs a hand through his hair before he leaned down to kiss your forehead and he stayed there to whisper, "i am sorry darling. please forgive me?"

"do you always apologise this sweetly?" you ask as you smile at him to let him know you don't hold his words or action against him and that he can stop overthinking because most geniuses overthink and this is a disease.

"i don't even apologise much." dazai snickers as he grabs your wrist, taking a step backwards so you would be forced to take a step forwards.

"then why me?" you ask as you continue to smile and relish in the feeling of his slender fingers wrapped around your wrist in such a gentle manner, it made you feel as if you are made of fragile glass.

"because . . ." dazai began as he stopped walking and freed your wrists from his grip. instead, he wrapped his arms around your waist and clasped them around your back, letting his clasped hands rest dangerously near your butt. "i don't want you of all people to hate me."

"but i can never hate you." you answer immediately as you understand his intentions and raise your arms to wrap it around his neck. dazai raised his eyebrows as he muttured a small, "why?"

"because i love you --" you abruptly stop speaking and quickly try to save yourself from your self impaled fear of being rejected, "-- your company. i love your company."

you look up at him as you nervously smile and hope he didn't catch on your lie but is he dazai osamu if he doesn't notice the smallest shift in someone's muscles or the change in their tone?

dazai doesn't speak though. he smiled as he pulled you closer to him, you pursed your lips as you felt his hands grab your ass but when you looked at him, he looked so nonchalant that you felt maybe you are overreacting due to overdosing on the ecstacy of him holding you in such a way.

you barely registered the wink he threw in your direction before he pulled you even closer and gently began to move your body along with his as he hummed, making you sway to the rhythm of his hums.

"many people tell me my company is valuable. what makes you any different?" dazai tried to provoke you as his hands came to rest on your hip and he used your hips to guide you to move in the same direction as him as he noticed your stiff movements.

"because i am funnier?" you say in a confusion as you are unsure yourself on what would make you different from others.

"that's a shit excuse.'" dazai snickered before he winced a bit as you pinched his shoulder and in return, he turned you around using your hips and pressed himself against you,

"but if it's from you, it's the best shit excuse i've heard." dazai leaned down to whisper and you snicker as you look at him over your shoulder with a amused smile.

"if you are trying to be romantic then sorry to say but romance isn't for you." you tease as you feel your chest flutter when he pushed himself closer to you and you could feel his length against your ass and thigh.

dazai leaned down near your ears to reply back while at the same time he wrapped his arms around your lower stomach to pull you back towards him, making you two press against each other even more and he spoke only after he heard and smiled at the quiet gasp you released, "you want to talk about romance with me? you'll never find a guy as romantic as me."

"everyone knows you aren't romantic osamu." you quietly reply back as you take a shaky breath while his fingers teasingly tapped and trailed up and down your stomach.

"i can be for you darling." dazai muttered as he rested his chin against your shoulder and you scoffed in amusement, "why?"

"because i love you --" dazai smirked as you cursed him under your breath for mocking you, "-- your company. i love your company darling."

"very funny." you grit your teeth as you try to move away from him but dazai's tight grip doesn't let you and rather, your movements of trying to get free makes your ass brush and bump against his length and it was when he released a low shaky breath, that you stopped and widened your eyes a bit.

"fuck no, don't stop please." dazai murmured and grabbed your hips again to move them and hid his face against your shoulders at the nimble pleasure your soft grinding is providing him with.

". . . osamu?"

"yeah?" dazai whispered out. the temptation dressed as you stopped and turned to look at him, smiling seductively and he gulped.

"you are like a breath of fresh air that burns my lungs bec --" you stop as he thrusted forwards towards you, leaning your head back on his shoulder, you turned your face towards his ear (as his face was still hidden against your shoulder) and you whisper out, " --because i love you."

dazai felt himself stopping momentarily as your words repeated in his mind and with a unstable tone, dazai asked, "can you repeat that again?"

you tightly close your eyes as it feels as if repeating your words a second time is harder then when you had first spoken them but with a lot of efforts and courage, you do nevertheless, "i love you osamu."

your words hang in air and the impact of them makes your heart sink as you felt your throat tightening when your mind immediately assumed the worst.

it's over now, the change is in motion and things will never be like what they were before between the two of you.

dazai raised his head and gripped your hips tightly, turning you to face him once again as he stared at you, "repeat it again." he rasped out.

he took a step towards temptation dressed in you and you extended your arm for him to grasp.

". . . i love you." you whisper for with every minute, his voice grows strained while yours grow weaker.

dazai blinked, a faint pink blush began to coat his cheeks as he stared at you and seeing the man look so flustured and out of his usual element or arrogance gave you a temporary confidence boost.

you took a step near him, your body pressing against his as you slowly cup his jaw and rub your thumb on the underside of his jaw. you look down as you can't look at him but repeat yourself for the last time, "i said i love you, will you please give me an answer?"

you speak with a tone of urgency in your voice but dazai's lips were sealed and his ability to talk was stolen. to understand dazai's current situation better, one should think of what they desire the most and then imagine they are slowly working towards achieving it but then suddenly one day, due to random course of events, the thing they desire the most is infront of them and waiting to be claimed.

it feels surreal and confusing and dazai wonders if this is one of his daydreams which just looks super real so would his subconscious laugh at him if he made any moves under the influence of joy?

you begin to feel cold dread and it's tentacles slither up your legs and wrap around your thighs, making your knees go slightly shaky at the sudden amount of weight kept on it but you try once again to speak your feelings out and get an answer.

because sure, rejection may hurt but it doesn't hurt as much as being left in confusion without even getting a definite answer.

the temptation dressed as you smiles as dazai grabs your hand and pulls you closer to him before he leaned down to kiss you.

"i said i love you osa --" your words stopped, caught on the edge of your tongue when dazai seemed to suddenly wake up from whatever confused trance he was in, he leaned down to press his lips against your's while he raised one hand to cup your's (which was on his jaw).

you stood motionless for a few seconds as he just stood with his lips pressed against yours incase you wanted to pull back but when you did not, he took a step ahead by beginning to slowly move his lips against your's and this snapped you out as your grip on his jaw tightened, pulling him closer.

you feel dazai's hand grab your ass as he pulls you even closer to him while he tilted his head to be able to kiss you better, parting his lips to pull at your bottom lip. your grip on his jaw tightens while you part your lips for him and feel his tongue entering inside.

your other hand slithered down to rest above his crotch as you slipped it inside his t-shirt and began to rub your thumb over his slightly toned stomach, making him shiver as he felt sensitive.

dazai pressed his lips even harder against your's as he licked at your tongue before he gathered some saliva and spitted into your mouth. the action definitely took you by surprise as you loudly gasped.

dazai pulled back to look at you with a grin as he licked the saliva on his lips while you panted before moving your (which was still inside his t-shirt) hand downwards and slipping it inside his sweatpants. your other hand left his jaw to wipe the saliva dripping down the ends of your lips and down your chin but dazai stopped you by grabbing your wrist.

"wanna see something fucking dirty darling?" dazai whispered as he leaned near you, you nodded. you watched as dazai maintained eye contact with you while leaning down and parting his lips, licking the saliva dripping down before he tilted his head down to suck at your jaw and at the same time squeezed your ass.

"dirty osamu, you are so disgusting." you breath out as you whimper, the action of his making your core drip wet and dazai snickered as he nodded his head in agreement, tilting his head back to look at you again with a smug grin to which you replied by squeezing his dick through his boxers.

"you are the dirty one -- stop it darling." dazai hissed out and you did it again, rubbing your palm against his length.

"you are playing with fire right now." dazai hissed again yet you once again squeezed his dick as you smiled innocently at him, "but osamu. i'm not even doing anything."

dazai scoffed as he looked down at you while you squeezed his length again and again and again till he groaned. dazai's hand tapped on your ass while the other gripped your hip and he lifted you up a bit as he made you wrap your legs around his waist.

he turned around to walk towards his bed while carrying you.

"you have been tempting me a bit too much darling. thinking i will let you do as you please." dazai whispered with desire being thick in his tone, the low and seductive tone making that apparent.

you look at him as you bite your lips, the raindrops hitting the pavement outside making it more harder for you to think of anything else other then the obvious route the (approaching) night will play at.

"have i?" you whisper up and dazai hummed, cocking his eyebrow before he made you lay down on your back, pressing his semi hardened dick against the inside of your thigh and the feeling of it, the obvious pain he is going through due to having to restrict himself from acting on his urges and desires, you felt it all.

"definitely. i never felt so pathetic." dazai snickered before he leaned down more to whisper in your ear, "my fist felt so pathetic while i was trying to chase my high. isn't it enough to be on my mind during the day that you won't let me rest even at night?"

your breath hitched at his words though a wave of euphoria traveled from your feet and all the way to your heart at this revelation.

"then why did you never do anything about it? were you scared?" you softly scoff.

dazai's slender fingers slithered down your sides till they rested at the edge of the t-shirt you are wearing ; his which his sister had borrowed once and never returned as she claimed it to be the perfect oversized shirt to sleep in. curling his fingers, he lifted the t-shirt up slowly to reveal your skin to him. he looks at you for a few seconds to watch you staring at him with anticipation and with a small smile, he leaned down.

"you don't know how scared i was." dazai muttured against the skin of your stomach and planted a peck, your breath was once again stolen from your windpipe as you let out a shaky sigh, "what if you rejected me? it would've been so awkward between us after this. how could i live without seeing your preety face and without hearing your preety voice call my name?"

dazai muttured again and the impact of his words along with his lips moving along your stomach, kissing it and letting his tongue out every few seconds to lick your skin to tease you ; it had you being a withering mess underneath him.

"rejected? you love me?" you ask with wide eyes and watch as dazai hums against your skin.

"more then you can comprehend though i didn't know if you felt the same or not." he nibbled lightly on your skin while humping against your inner thigh.

"were my lovesick puppy eyes not obvious?" you ask with a smile as you find this situation to be entertaining, you grabbed the hair on the back of dazai's head to pull him towards you, bringing his face closer to your's for a kiss as you gently cupped his jaw.

"you look so cute all the time, how was i supposed to find a difference?" dazai smiled, laughing when you tried to raise your knee to knee him on the stomach, he immediately grabbed your knee and wrapped it around his waist while he leaned down to kiss you.

it happened somewhere in the kiss that dazai's fingers slipped down to remove your pajamas (which were not really your's but his sister's) and he rubbed his knuckles in circular movements against your clothed clit to enjoy the sound of you whining and shuddering as his lips still stayed connected to your's. he then went on to hook his finger under the waistband of your panties and remove it too, separating his lips from your's despite a weak beg from you not to and he looked at the wetness that stayed on your panties.

he swiped the pad of his thumb to gather some on his thumb and raised it near your lips but you scrunched your nose as you looked at him, "ew no. i am not tasting this."

"you are seriously no fun." dazai pouted and teased, bringing his thumb near his own lips as he kitty licked your wetness while not breaking off his eye contact with you and this sight made you want to clench your legs but he immediately placed his leg between your thighs.

"you are a disgusting man osamu." you huff out as you look down at his leg which refused to bulge, you looked at him again and by the way he smiled smugly, you knew he would go hours and hours to tease you.

"told ya, i am a dirty man." dazai smirked and looked down to catch your eager hands from undressing him, smiling when you whined. "so impatient, aren't you darling?"

he tsked when he saw that despite him grabbing your wrists, you tried to get your eager hands on the waistline of his sweatpants to tug it down. dazai raised his eyes to stare at you again, smiling at the way you immediately stopped clawing upon seeing him look at you with raised eyebrows, as if you are embarrassed or shy.

"you know how i don't have the ability to tell no to you? so why not try asking me nicely for what you want?"

"why don't you tell me what you want?" you throw his words back at him with the intentions of getting an answer to your still unanswered confession.

"you."

"you have to be more specific osamu." you tell as you lean your head up a bit, he stopped gripping your wrists and so you leaned on your elbows.

"how?"

"i don't know. perhaps by giving me an answer for my confession? do you know how hard it was to confess? and you aren't even giving me am answer. shit. i feel like i'll die of a heartattack . . . why are you looking at me like that?" your complaints come to a stop as you grow shy under his soft stare and dazai tilted his head, his lips curling into a smile.

"like what?"

". . . like you always do." is all you tell for you cannot grasp this look he gives you. it looks so soft and he looks calm yet the gaze is so intense it makes you shy.

". . . and? does it not ring any bells?" dazai raised his eyebrows and watched you furrow your eyebrows in confusion as you stare at him in disbelief before it turned to you pondering and then you finally realised.

you realised how you always looked past his unspoken and silent confession.

"exactly." dazai nodded. he leaned down to kiss your chin and then went down from there. "i love you. loved you since a long time, oblivious little darling."

he muttured as dazai removed his leg from between your thighs and grabbed one of them instead as he gripped it, squeezing the fat.

dazai looked up once his kisses traveled till your chest and smiled as he blushed a bit for words so sincere were something dazai is a sucker for and these sincere words only come to the tip of his tongue when his eyes land on you, "i love you."

you got your answer. your body relaxed as your head fell back on the pillow and you closed your eyes while you calmed down, feeling as if the nervous and anxious feelings in you were for no reason. you feel lightheaded now that the weight of anticipation was lifted.

dazai's lithe fingers slipped under your t-shirt while he kissed your collarbones and left open mouthed kisses, his fingers traveled up and he used his other hand (still gripping your thigh) to tap on your thigh as he looked up at you and you got the hint, lifted your upper body up a bit for him to have access to remove your bra.

dazai gripped and pulled your bra along as he pulled his hand out of your t-shirt.

your legs tried to close when dazai kissed your breast over your t-shirt before he parted his lips to encircle them around your clothed nipple, licking at it. his hand on your twitching thigh stopped it from closing as he wanted you to feel how he gets you wet and how your hole sucks in air in anticipation.

"osamu." you moan out his name as he nibbled very lightly at your nipple though once he heard you calling him, he raised his eyes to look up and once he saw your bothered face, he grinned. without having to exchange any words, dazai's hand left your thigh, light pink prints of his fingers displayed on your skin.

he rubs his thumbs across your inner labia to feel your wetness before he inserted his index finger into your hole which sucked his finger eagerly.

dazai pushed his head to lick at your other breast before he looked up and spoke, each word of his was accompanied by a thrust of his fingers, "sorry darling but you are a little girl. don't think you are ready yet for me."

"a-asshole." you spat out with great difficulty as he added a second finger and scissored you to loosen you a bit, both of his fingers pulled out before he thrusted them inside again and he pulled them out again. he added a third finger and watched your walls squeeze his fingers making him nibble on your perked nipple as he watched the wet patch on the t-shirt where your breasts are.

"you are the one who's an asshole darling." dazai snickered as he raised himself and leaned on his elbow, looking down at your greedy hole now sucking in three of his fingers and he looked up, seeing you about to reply and so, he added a fourth finger and watched as you let out a cry and closed your eyes immediately.

"i mean, look at you. imagine if my sister came home to see her close friend spreading her legs for her older brother." dazai mocked you as his fingers sped up, the sound of his palm hitting against your ass and the wet sound produced every time he thrusted his fingers inside.

dazai watches as you brought your legs closer to yourself and tried to close them but he used his knee to pin one of your legs to the mattress and this position enabled his fingers to reach even deeper.

his middle finger touched that one spot and you moaned loudly to which he thrusted his fingers again and this time, two of his fingers brushed against that spot. dazai looked at you to see your chest heaving up and down and pulled his fingers out. immediately watching your body twitching due to being denied of the on-growing pleasure. he looked at his glistening hand covered with your slick and sighed out lowly.

you frowned and raised your head and watched dazai sit back as he fumbled with the knot on his sweatpants, raising himself on his knees to push his sweatpants and boxers down.

"come here darling." dazai told but didn't look at you as he pushed his boxers down, his dick springing up and hitting against his abdomen. he grabbed his t-shirt and raised it over his chest, grabbing the cloth with his teeth as he rubbed his hand covered with your slick on his length as a natural lube.

he looked at you again and you shakily leaned up on your elbows before crawling towards him a bit as you looked up at him, he leaned closer and grabbed your hands, wrapping it around his waist while he used his hand to grab his dick and brush it past your stomach and down your thighs to let the slick and precum on him get smeared on your skin.

"osamu please." you whisper as you lean up to peck his adam's apple and dazai immediately pushed you down, grabbing your legs and parting them open. his hands left your legs to grab his dick and position it at your entrance.

"i love you." he whispered before he inserted himself inside and the prepping from before had no use as you remained tight and he cursed before he slowly thrusted deeper and deeper.

"osamu." you let out a breathy moan as you feel him pierce your walls as he tries to go in deeper and deeper and dazai hummed as he closed his eyes, eyebrows furrowed.

"please let me darling. i don't know when i'll be able to say this to you the next time without feeling scared so let me tell it all i want right now." he rasped out in a throaty tone and you nodded.

dazai didn't speak anything till he was bottomed out in you. after which he grabbed your waist with both of his hands and raised himself on his knees and told you to part your legs.

"i love you." dazai confessed again as he looked at you and slowly began to thrust in and out, his length penetrating your walls.

dazai grabbed your hips instead to lift you up and began to quicken his pace and soon felt his dick rub against your g-spot. your legs shook and he raised one of them towards his waist to make you wrap it around him and yet you wrapped both of your legs around his small waist to give him more angle to thrust in, this new angle provided him more access and his dick touched your cervix as he thrusted.

dazai raised your t-shirt up to your collarbones to be able to watch your breasts bounce with his thrusts, a bandaged hand coming up to fondle with one of your breasts as he tilted his head back.

"i love you." he repeated himself as he leaned down to press his chest against your's, burying his face against the crook of your neck and he muttered out, "i love you. fuck i love you. i love you."

its important for us to know that every word of his was accompanied by a peck on the skin of your neck, below your jaw.

dazai's thrusts sped up, bullying and abusing not only your g-spot but also continuously hitting your g-spot and you wrapped your legs even more tightly around his waist when you felt your orgasm approaching.

dazai squeezed your breast, the fat spilling from between his fingers and he shuddered, using his other hand to grab your ass and push you up to push his dick even more deeper into you. your ankle hooked around one another as you let out small whines and cries of pleasure.

dazai hissed as he thrusted into you again, watching you crumble beneath him as you cum, your body shaking as you do so and he thrusts again and again to help you ride out your orgasm.

after which he leans his head up to look at you with a tired smile but gasped instead when you tried to move yourself on his dick. you looked at him when you heard him gasp and panted out, "it's not fair osamu. i wanna watch your fucked out expression. i want to make you feel good. i want . . . to be the cause of your happiness for once."

"for once?" dazai laughed as he thrusted into you again as he lowered you and himself on top of you so that now you both laid on the bed with a pillar of comfort hiding you two and your act. "you make me want to laugh at midnight due to joy. joy i feel whenever you pop up in my thoughts."

dazai told and his hands left your hip and breast to cup your jaw with both hands as he slowly yet deeply thrusted into you.

"a man dreams. dreams make a man. you are my dream." dazai muttered softly and closed his eyes and he thrusted again before letting out a loud moan. thick ropes of white sprouted out of his dick and coated your walls and you felt your walls clamping around him again as it happened, your body shaking as you came for a second time.

his body relaxed immediately as the pent up pleasure was released and dazai slowly rested his body on top of your's, grasping your hand as he brought it closer to his lips to kiss the back of your hand. "i love you."

and when you smiled, the hair on his nape stood up while he closed his eyes, smiling back shyly as he hid his face against your neck again as if bowing and he repeated, "i love you darling."

#⋆˚࿔ ira #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x you #bungou stray dogs x you #bsd x y/n #bsd smut #bsd x female reader #dazai x reader #dazai x fem reader #dazai x you #dazai x y/n #dazai smut

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cardentist · 11 months ago

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Fam how can one be trans in the direction of their assigned sex? I'm not even trying to make the idea sound ridiculous or anything. I'm genuinely curious and want to understand. I thought the whole meaning of trans was that you feel or act in the opposite direction of your assigned sex; if you're transfem but you're afab then to me that's just cisgender??? But like please explain to me how that's not the case if that's what you and others strongly feel so I may grow my compassion

Context: [Link]

well ! while I personally am not intersex, I DO want to highlight intersex people first and foremost.

gender and sex are very Very complex, and I think generally people don't consider the way that being intersex can play a big role in that!

there are intersex people who are afab who are also trans women, there are intersex people who are amab who are trans men, there are intersex people with many Many different relationships with sex and gender and anywhere in between !

an afab person can be born with masculine sex characteristics and transition the way trans women often do. that person May identify as trans, they may not ! that trans person may not even consider themselves a woman depending on who they are and what they want !

I Do think there needs to be an effort to be aware of and make space for intersex people within the trans community, and really the wider queer community as a whole. as it's often something that's given a footnote without deeper thought into the ways that intersex people Actually interact with our communities.

which I don't blame people for not already knowing ! that's the whole point of trying to educate people in the first place ^^

and as for Myself

labels are, ultimately, a form of gender presentation. what you call yourself is an extension of not only how you see yourself, but how Other People perceive you.

I could call myself nonbinary or I could call myself trans masc, and both would be Accurate. but people have certain traits and expectations and associations when they see those labels. there are assumptions made about the kind of life that I live, the things that I want, the things I might experience, that change depending on which labels that I use.

and that's not Inherently a bad thing ! I mean, that's part of why people Like labels. but it Can be a struggle for people whose gender is Funny.

I could Also describe myself as genderqueer or multi-gender or genderfluid or gnc or-. I've tried on lots and lots of labels, and for the most part I haven't thrown any of them out, I just keep them in a box under my bed and take them out when relevant.

I've been wrestling with the feminine aspect of my identity for a very Very long time. I've been aware that I'm some level of trans masc. that part was easy. I want a deeper voice, I want things about my body to change, I don't want people to look at me and see a cis woman.

but I Also like femininity. I've found that after accepting myself as trans masc and slowly growing an environment where I am Perceived as masculine, I've started getting euphoria at presenting femininely in the Same way that I did (and do!) get about presenting masculinely.

but that feeling doesn't carry over when I'm perceived as a cis woman. it's Quite Uncomfortable for obvious gender reasons.

and while I may not know the exact Words that I'd use to describe it (as I've said, I've been chewing on it for Many years now), I've gotten a clearer idea of how I Feel.

I want to be Visibly trans. I want to be perceived masculinely And femininely. I want to transition masculinely to present femininely (and sometimes butch, sometimes like your dad at the ace hardware store, I contain multitudes).

and of course, figuring out what I have going on has involve a lot of exploration ! it's the same way I figured out the whole trans masc thing in the first place. seeking out other trans people and other Things About trans people feeling things out.

I find ! that I have a lot of shared experiences with transfeminine people. both in how I feel about certain things, some of the presentation that I want, and in how people would React To said presentation.

my femininity Is Trans, I don't relate to cis womanhood. but I Do relate to trans femininity. which is really awkward for me, because it's difficult to describe it to other people fjksldljkasfdjklfasd

(I don't personally consider myself a trans woman mind, but I'm certain there Are people who are trans men and trans women at the same time. gender is complicated, sex is complicated. labels are malleable and sometimes situational)

Could I describe myself with a different label? probably ! I've got lots of them. but when I Don't put emphasis on this aspect of myself people assume that it's not there. insist that it Couldn't be there, and I don't know what I'm talking about. and those people who Would act nasty towards me probably aren't gonna change their mind just because I changed my bio. but it feels Nice to assert that aspect of myself when other people are trying to tear it down.

part of me feels like I should post the intersex portion of this by itself, because people tend to engage more with shorter posts and there's nothing Short about my gender situation ljkfdasjkls

but ! I dunno, if this makes even one person understand the gray areas of gender and presentation a little more it'll be worth it.

thank you for taking the time to ask ! and especially for doing so kindly ! I do hope you'll see this

#discourse #long post #intersex #genderqueer #nonbinary #multigender #trans unity #queer unity #moral of the story is that gender is a fuck

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certifiedsexed · 2 months ago

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is it normal to identify as just queer? I'm an afab genderfluid person and I've gone through many identities (ex: pan, lesbian, pomosexual, bi), but queer was the only one that feels accurate. I mean, my sexuality is weird and so am I and queer is a synonym for weird so (sorry for some reason that's how my brain works it out). But whenever someone asks me and I say queer, they always act as if I'm supposed to say more. Then sometimes I just say I'm gay, but then it feels inaccurate and usually they question it anyways. Am I saying something wrong? Is it not an accurate representation or something? Sorry I'm really confused. I'm a minor btw with same aged friends if that adds any context to why they act like this.

There's nothing wrong with identifying as queer, Anon. If that's what feels good for you, then good for you! You've found a good label.

As for how people are reacting, you're not saying anything wrong. Often with people who react like that, there is no "right" identity you can chose that will make them stop acting like your identity doesn't make sense.

They just haven't learned yet that your identity isn't any of their business and doesn't have to make sense to them. If they're your friends, then maybe you can tell them that queer is your identity and that's it, you don't want to answer any questions on it.

You're allowed to do that. You don't owe them any identity in particular. You're not representation, Anon. You're just a person, living your life and your sexuality/gender/etc is no one's business but your own.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions! <3

#sex education #asks #lgbt education #queer

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mrghostrat · 10 months ago

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hey happy trans day of visibility. i'll get visible why not

i'm nonbinary, specifically genderfluid. i identify with this label because idk, even though i look back at my childhood and spot signs of dysphoria and gender fuckery, i don't feel like i was ever masquerading as something i wasn't. i'm just different now. and i may be different again in the future. i was a little girl then, and i'm a little bilv now.

i'm AFAB and just passed my 2 year T anniversary. i'm loving it, and just like putting together a pinterest board of hair and fashion styles to figure out how i wanted to present my truest self, starting T to change my voice and body and facial hair was just another step in that. i love how i look now and love all the changes T has brought me.

at this point i plan to remain on T indefinitely, but knowing a friend who took T for four years then stopped because she got to where she wanted to be, i feel safe and comfortable enough to stop if i ever change my mind. this is why visibility is important 💕

i don't plan on having any surgery at this point. i thought about top surgery for a while, but considering my fluidity and how much i've enjoyed tits in the past, i think i want to keep them in case i ever want to focus on them again in the future. this is the only thing i "struggle" with; how much i would like to have a flat flat chest right now, but know i may not want that in future, and surgery is so definite. thankfully i'm happy with binders and am small enough to live in a comfy middle ground.

i'm so grateful for all the trans art in the good omens fandom, especially @chernozemm's explicit illustrations that highlight how fun and sexy tcocks are. i did look into phalloplasties and matoidioplasties once before, but never felt as strongly about it either way, which didn't seem like a good basis for such an intensive surgery. now i'm less ambivalent about my genitals and actively love them

(i also suffered from vaginismus my entire life, until about 2 or 3 years ago when i started engaging with more nsfw content and must have just? exposure therapy'd myself out of it?? it feels like i didn't do anything at all and it just went away on its own, which made me personify my vag a bit, bc i'm so fucking proud of her. now we're finally getting along, i'm taking her to my grave)

keep drawing, keep writing, keep sharing. every little thing you put out there helps people like me love ourselves more, and hearing other trans stories only helps solidify how real and genuine we are for feeling the way we do about ourselves. happy tdov

#ghost scribbles #tdov #trans day of visibility

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drdemonprince · 4 months ago

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i’d love to know your perspective on the substack essay “of course people make up disabilities” that freddie deboer just posted today (09/30) if you felt inspired to write about it. no worries if you’d rather not of course! i appreciate your work very much (and i’m expecting to agree with your perspective on this topic wayyy more than with freddie’s btw)

This would make SUCH a good livestream topic to be honest. That would allow me & others to really go through the weeds of it and be appropriately nuanced.

I have several thoughts about it, which I'll just bullet point here:

One of Freddy's big issues whenever he discusses the neurodiversity movement is that he still presumes the pathology model is always correct and appropriate, and should be applied to even how neurodivergent people experience being themselves. This means that throughout his piece, he describes the massive uptick in people identifying as "systems" as there being this very sudden, very large increase in what used to be a very rare and debilitating disorder, DID -- but that's conflating a bunch of different communities into one. Not everyone who identifies as a system identifies as DID. Not everyone who identifies as a system exhibits or even claims to exhibit the symptoms of DID outlined in the DSM. Lots of people who identify as systems are median systems or are heavily masked, which means they don't look anything like what psychiatry has typically understood DID to be, nor does it match with the pop cultural stereotypes. Obviously these are many people who would not be captured by a DID diagnosis in the past. And just like many Autistics who were not diagnosed in the past, many people who were not diagnosed with DID but do identify as having DID argue that the diagnostic process for the disorder up to this point has been highly limited and biased. Of all the conditions in the DSM, DID is the one MOST attached to a small cluster of diagnosticians -- most people practicing psychiatry and psychology have no expertise in it, and NEVER diagnose it because they don't know anything about it. And so obviously, a lot of people have slipped through the cracks, if we view DID as a real, useful clinical label. Furthermore, talking about oneself as being a system serves a variety of functions, and not everyone who identifies as being a system (or even as having DID) sees themselves as debilitated by it. So Freddy's concern that a huge contingent of people are suddenly claiming to be debilitated by a severe disorder is just misrepresenting what a large number of these people are saying about themselves, and how the diagnostic process for DID works.

Freddy takes it as a given that some kind of apparatus for investigating disability claims is necessary, because people lie. He provides no support for this assertion. I'm happy to allow that of course, sometimes human beings lie (or fool themselves), but we don't have any evidence that people doing this places some massive strain on the social welfare system. We have every reason to believe that like most other humans, disabled people are motivated to feel capable, challenged, and engaged, and we know that disability benefits are meager and come with conditions that trap a person in poverty for life -- so why are we worried about too many people accessing disability services? It's an absurd claim for a leftist to make, but then again, many Marxist do have this kind of shitty attitude toward disability, and carry within them the presumption that people need to get stronger and should be pushed to work, so. It's of a piece with that.

I do see some merit to Freddy's observation that disability and one's self-conception as disabled is often a shadowy, shape-shifting thing -- some days you convince yourself you really do have this disability, other days you are kind of rounding up the truth, other days you don't know at all -- but this is because of the subjective nature of how these conditions are defined and measured, and because of the inherent value judgement that psychiatry makes of anyone who appears to be operating differently as somehow inferior or "sick," even if it can't explain how or why they are. I don't understand how he can openly explore just how difficult it can be to figure out whether you are a system (or Autistic, or struggling with bipolar, as he was for years before he got a handle on it) and then conclude that these categories can be assigned to others with full objectivity. He seems to think individuals CANNOT know our own mental health status categorically but that psychiatrists infallibly can? That there is some objective truth to the question of whether a person is DiD or Autistic or whatever else that can be easily determined -- and he's a smart enough and data driven enough guy to go figure out that's not the case. Psychiatrists exhibit frighteningly low inter-rater reliability in their diagnoses!! Diagnostic standards change over time, and are applied differently to different groups of people! Symptoms come and go! How we explain what is going on inside of us is culturally influenced! How could he not understand how complex this all is?

His anecdote about lots of young women suddenly using canes is so needlessly cheap. He's a better writer than this. Why might a lot more young people be physically disabled all of a sudden? Something about a pandemic maybe?? Does he not know POTS is a common side-effect of long COVID? Among many other conditions that would require using a cane?

I do agree with him that sometimes people do fake conditions to make money from fundraising online, or for the attention! Yes, undeniably, it happens! We're on tumblr, we remember the Hatsune Miku binder girl pretending she had HIV. Scammers exist. Fantasists exist. And people who tend to make up elaborate lies about themselves and their lives are typically SUFFERING -- even if we concede that some girls on tiktok are faking having DID (I am happy to concede that, yes, it happens), if someone goes to great and repeated lengths to create false alters and produce endless content about their condition to an audience of thousands, they're obviously struggling in some way most of the time. For some maybe it's some dispassionate grift. Sure. Whatever. It does happen! But in Freddy's own framing, we are talking about a lot of people who are only half-willfully self-deluding, and desperate for attention online -- so would he say they are faking DID but are clearly mentally ill in some other way? Or does he think they just need to toughen up and stop thinking these irrational things about themselves entirely? How does he think that would work? Being so miserable and confused about yourself that you convince yourself that you have a disorder that you do not have and orienting your whole life around that doesn't sound like a person Freddy would call "well." So are they lying? Still not mentally ill? Or mentally ill in a slipperier way, where the way that you think and feel affects the way that you think and feel about yourself, which helps to create your new reality, which then is true for you? If you think you're DID, feel like you're DID, act like you're DID, are debilitated like someone who has DID, are you not DID?

Freddy seems to think of mental illness diagnostic categories as far more contained and distinct than they actually are. Trauma symptoms can morph into OCD, attachment dysfunction can look like Borderline at one moment and then Bipolar the next, Autistic people can become eating disordered for Autism reasons, and people who are desperate for acceptance can take up cutting and then just have a cutting problem. there is no brain scan or genetic test that can definitively tell you which one of these disorders you have, because they are only defined through self-report and observation, and our behavior and feelings continually keeps changing. And so it's useless to talk about what the rates of any given disorder "should be" because there is no objective metric for that, and there is no objective, set in stone standard for what any disorder really is. The eating disorder rate has certainly changed over time as a product of all manner of cultural influences -- was that a bunch of people faking it for attention too?

I really struggle to understand why Freddy, a Marxist, has refused to engage with Marxist critiques of psychiatry at all whatsoever. SO many excellent books have come out on the subject in recent years, from Micha Fraiser-Carroll's Mad World to Robert Chapman's Empire of Normality. He seems, for his own reasons, to be heavily invested in the pathology paradigm and to view regular people as completely lacking meaningful insight into their own mental states, and those with forma diagnoses as utterly incapable of determining what is best for themselves (while also arguing that people with such diagnoses should always be held accountable for their actions). It's frustrating because I like to read his perspective on many topics, even when I disagree with him, but I can't find his work challenging or interesting here because he's so steadfastly incurious about the scholarship that goes against his own pre-conceived notions, so he ends up writing rants on the subject that feel at once earnestly felt but ignorant and reactionary.

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