#and i just finished Sending Emails. and now all the Adulting i have to do today is go to rehearsal heavily caffeinated

[scattered-winter]

i would literally have not made it this far in the semester without caffeine and chocolate smh

[hannahssimblr]

“I do. You always look pretty. Every time I see you, I think that.”

With this, she bursts into a flood of fresh tears. “Oh God, you’re so nice.”

“Look, I know this isn’t helpful, probably, but if things were different, if I wasn’t leaving, then maybe… maybe things would have turned out another way. I know you don’t think much of yourself, but I think you’re a great person. You’re really sweet and sensitive and talented and you make me laugh, and from my point of view anyway, you light up every room you walk into. Whoever the next person is that gets to be with you is lucky.”

“But it won’t be you.” Her mouth is so down-turned at the edges that she looks almost cartoony. Those looks are one thing I will miss most about her. If I were lucky enough to know her for longer, I think I’d fill a hundred sketchbooks just drawing the expressive shapes of her face.

I simply shake my head, and my arms are outstretched and ready to catch her as she falls into them for another round of sobs. There’s nothing I can do. I learned this a long time ago. Sometimes all you can do is hold someone until they’re ready to be let go again. I’ve spent whole nights holding Ivy like this, and I’ll spend hours with Evie if it’s what she needs.

Into her hair, I murmur an admission I have never made to another person. “Leaving is going to be so horrible. Sometimes I can’t think too much about it. Like, I know I won’t be that far away, but it’s going to change everything. I have amazing friends here that will be so hard to leave behind. And my family, obviously. I have a sister who’s nine. Ivy. She’s in that stage where she’s obsessed with me. She wants to do everything I do… Jesus, it’s going to be rough. I’ve never lived away from home before. I don’t really know how to be a functioning adult who, like, pays electricity bills.”

“It will be hard at first, but then eventually it will be really good,” she sniffles. “You’ll meet all these cool new people and you’ll forget all about everyone here.”

“Is that your way of telling yourself that I’ll forget about you, too?”

“You will.” 

“I won’t. We’ll still be friends. I’m not great at keeping up with people, and I don’t use Facebook that much…”

“So you’re saying we’ll be friends, like, on a symbolic level, but we’ll never actually talk to each other ever again.”

I laugh. “Shut up and let me finish before you start getting cross with me. I’ll email you. Old school, like.”

“Hm. That will be nice, like sending letters.”

“Exactly.”

She squeezes me, and I squeeze her back, gazing down at her face, red nose and smudged makeup, and I still think she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in real life. “How are you doing?”

“Very badly.”

“Well, one day, you won’t care about me at all. And maybe when you go to college, in like a few months, a year, or after that, you’ll look back on this and think ‘oh, ew, I can’t believe that when I was seventeen, I liked that lanky guy with the weird accent. That was so embarrassing.’ And you’ll wonder why you ever cried over this at all.”

Her face becomes fierce, like she wants to be serious, but it’s hard not to smile when she sticks her lip out like that. If I was being stupider, I might like to push my thumb into that crease between her eyebrows. “You don’t have a weird accent.” She insists. “Well, okay, you do, but I like it. And there’s nobody on earth that’d be embarrassed to have ever liked you.” 

“Okay, Evie.” I chuckle. “Lets see how you feel in a year.”

“A year?”

“Yeah, one year from now, I’ll email you, like I will every single week, mind, and you’ll roll your eyes and think, ‘oh God, him again?’ I’d be willing to bet on it.”

“You underestimate my feelings.”

She overestimates them, more likely, because we’re young and stupid and that’s just what we do, but it’s fine. She’ll learn, like I did with Michelle and all the girls that came before her, that the things that feel raw and real in the moment, the people you swear you’ll spend your life loving and wanting and missing, you forget them in the end.  

We lapse into silence as the grasshoppers chirp in the long grass. The cleaner comes by to pick some of the rubbish nearby and makes small talk with me about various happenings at the festival. Ignoring Evie, firmly locked in my arms with her damp cheek against my chest.

When he finishes, and the rubbish is gone, and the music in the distance goes silent, it is just us and the insects and the blanket of dew, and the smell of lingering summer in the air. Evie shivers, and I draw back to look into her sad little face.

“Are you cold?”

“No.”

“I think you are.”

She smiles, and her teeth chatter. “If I say so, then you’ll make me go back to the tent.”

“We have to go back eventually, don’t we?” I take the opportunity to stretch out one of my legs, which is cramping. “What time is it?”

“Don’t care.”

“It’s got to be… I don’t know. You can see the sun rising a bit.”

“If we leave, then it’s over,” she whispers.

I murmur, “It’s over, anyway.”

Green eyes skim my face in one last pursuit of a truth they won’t find. And then she sighs with resignation. “You’re leaving.”

“Yeah, I’m going away.”

“It’s just sad.”

“Of course. For me too.” And I’m not sure there’s much left to say. “Come on. Let’s just end this day.”

She doesn’t protest. Climbing to our feet, we make our way back towards the campsite, hand in hand. Though she’s not my girlfriend and never will be, it feels good to pretend while I can.

It’s lights out in our circle, embers smouldering in a campfire that we missed, and someone’s, Joe’s, Kasper’s, snores float from their tent. Evie’s is wet with morning dew as I unzip it for her with the same chivalry as any man opening a door for a lady. She shuffles inside, and the moonlight shows up the goosebumps on her arms and legs. Claire is not inside, her shoes stacked neatly outside Shane’s tent instead.

Evie grabs my wrist before I zip her inside. “Do you want to come and stay with me?” She whispers. “We won’t do anything. I just think it’d be nicer than being alone.”

We will do something. I’ve been a teenage boy for long enough to know the score, and tempting as it is to have one final, movie-magic experience with her to round off the summer, I know it is different for her than it is for me.

I shake my head. “Not a good idea, Evie. Sorry. Goodnight.”

The last thing I see is the dismay on her face before I zip her inside the tent, and head for my own.

There is Jen, cocooned in her sleeping bag. She stirs as I fumble with my clothes.

“You’re back,” her voice cracks with sleep. I ignore her, as the anger I felt for her in the woods resurfaces with a vengeance. My heart thuds with the memory.

“What time is it?” she says, and again, I say nothing. I struggle into bed and turn my back to her.

“Jude?”

“Talk to me in the morning.” I whisper sharply, and I shut my eyes, willing away the heaviness of the day, and all the things I know are still to come. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

Corresponding LG Chapter

[chicgeekgirl89]

Festive Friends- Read on AO3

Rating: T

Words: 8600

This one is for @strandnreyes as part of the @tarlos-santa 2023 exchange! I chose the prompt: AU - Carlos and TK unknowingly have each other for the office secret santa exchange. Up to you if they’re pining idiots, “enemies”, secretly dating, or anything else! Hope you enjoy and have the most festive of holidays!

“Good morning Mr. Reyes.”

Carlos looks up to find the office intern, Mateo, standing cheerily next to his desk, a stack of envelopes in his hand. “Good morning Mateo. And again, you can call me Carlos. Mr. Reyes really isn’t necessary.”

“Sorry Mr. Reyes, I’m just not really used to being like, a real adult yet I guess,” Mateo says sheepishly. 

Carlos keeps a chuckle to himself and doesn’t admonish the kid again. “I understand. Whatever you feel comfortable with is fine.”

“Cool. Thanks Mr. Reyes. I brought your mail over for you.”

“Thank you,” Carlos says, accepting the stack from him.

“Can I get you anything? A coffee? Oh! I think Mr. Strand has some new kind of energizing smoothie or something in the break room. Although, it looked kinda gross to me,” Mateo says.

The thought of that smoothie sends a shiver down Carlos’ spine. He hasn’t known Owen Strand for very long, but his health nut tendencies have quickly become too much for Carlos’ taste. “No, that’s okay. I don’t need anything right now. Besides, your job here is to learn about the business, not fetch everyone’s coffee.”

“Right. Yes. Learning. I love learning all the things. Hey, are you coming to the office tree lighting on Friday afternoon? I heard they’re gonna have those little pigs in a blanket.”

Carlos’ eyes dart back to his screen and the half finished email staring at him. “Um, yeah. I’ll be there for a little bit.”

“Awesome!” Mateo seems genuinely thrilled and Carlos once again has to bite back an amused smile. The kid is ninety nine parts enthusiasm and one part overly helpful. “Well I’ll let you get back to it. Lots of…what exactly does HR do?”

“Emails,” Carlos says. “Lots of emails.”

“Right. Sounds fun. Good luck with that!”

Mateo sends him a parting wave and then disappears around the side of his cubicle. 

Things have been absolutely crazy at PD and Sons since they merged with 126 Designs a few months ago. Owen Strand had been brought in to manage the merger and insisted on hiring a significant number of new staff. Onboarding the new hires like Mateo has been a ton of work, especially since Owen insisted on being extremely involved in the entire process. Carlos has been in non-stop meetings for weeks and today is the first day he hasn’t felt completely overwhelmed in forever.

He flips through the stack of mail, tossing a few random flyers in the recycling, and setting aside the important envelopes to open later. He wrinkles his forehead when he finds a folded up piece of red paper at the bottom of the stack. When he opens it his eyes immediately widen in horror.

What. The. Hell?

“Lexi.” He stands up and looks down into the cubicle next to him where his work wife is busy with some kind of design project. “Why did I just get a paper telling me who my Secret Santa is this year?”

“I signed you up because I knew you wouldn’t do it otherwise. It’s the season of giving and part of that means giving up your Grinchy ways and pretending like you’re interested in getting to know all the new people in the office,” Lexi says without looking up at him.

His jaw drops. “Okay, first of all, I’m not uninterested in getting to know them. I just haven’t had time to get to know them. And secondly, I hate Secret Santa. Nobody ever really knows what to get you, so you end up with all this random crap and candy that you don’t want and it all sits in a drawer for three or four years until finally you throw it out.”

She finally stops and turns to look at him. “Wow. Okay Uncle Scrooge. First of all,” she echoes him, “it’s not Secret Santa, it’s Festive Friends. Not everybody celebrates Christmas. Get your terminology right. And secondly, it’s not about getting good gifts, it’s about spreading joy for the holiday season. So take the Christmas tree out of your ass and start fa la la-ing with the rest of us.”

“Lexi,” he grinds out her name between his teeth and quickly glances around to make sure no one is in earshot. “I got T.K.”

Lexi is the only one in the office who knows what an incredible disaster meeting T.K. Strand has been for his life. A week after the PD Austin and 126 Designs merger the entire office had gone out for drinks. One thing led to another, which led to another, and ultimately ended up with T.K. very naked in Carlos’ bed. 

They’d been incredibly hot and incredibly heavy for a couple weeks after that, sneaking around together, making out in the supply closet, booty calling each other in the dead of night, and Carlos had been so ridiculously happy. T.K. Strand had turned him into a horny freaking teenager.

And then he’d made the mistake of surprising T.K. with dinner. He’d thought it would be romantic. That it might move them from booty call status into something a little bit more permanent. 

But T.K. had freaked out, stormed out, and shut Carlos out of his life. Thank god his cubicle is all the way around the corner on the other side of the building. They barely have to see each other except for the occasional awkward brush in the break room or men’s room.

Carlos’ heart has been more broken than he’d like to let on, not to mention his ego is bruised too. The whole thing has made getting to know the other people from 126 Designs like Marjan, Paul, Nancy, and Judd very awkward.. They’re T.K.’s friends. And he doesn’t want to piss T.K. off anymore than he already has. 

Of course he has to interact with T.K.’s father, Owen Strand, he is the manager after all, but other than that he’s kept everyone else at an extremely polite and professional distance.

So finding T.K.’s name in his hands is like a punch in the gut.

“Good,” Lexi says, surprising him. “You’ve been pining for him for weeks anyway. Might as well do something about it.”

“Lexi, this guy hates my guts,” Carlos says. “He doesn’t want presents from me.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. You’re Carlos Reyes. No one hates you.”

“Please switch with me.”

“No.”

“Lexi!”

“No! I got Paul. I already have ideas. I’m not switching. It’s only three gifts, you’ll be fine.”

“Three?! I thought Secret Santa was only one gift!”

“God, do you even read your email? It’s three gifts in the week leading up to the holiday break. This will be good for you. Now go away. I’m working.”

Carlos sinks back down into his chair, misery settling in his stomach. This is going to be absolute torture.

He takes another look at T.K.’s scrawl. His writing looks hurried in a way that suggests he’s so excited that he can’t be bothered to slow down and shape his letters more carefully. It has that same kind of frenetic, joyful energy that drew Carlos to him in the first place. Now the only energy he exudes toward Carlos is coldness.

Carlos catches himself tracing his fingers over the letters of T.K.’s name and balls them into a fist before forcing himself to read T.K.’s answers to the Festive Friends questionnaire. T.K. has written down that he likes sour candy, Harry Styles, boba, and interesting tea flavors. He doesn’t like black licorice, the Mets, or anything with alcohol. 

Carlos frowns at that. He doesn’t remember T.K. mentioning anything about alcohol during their weeks together. But then again, they didn’t exactly spend much time talking. Their mouths had been occupied with other things.

It feels unfair to have this scrap of T.K., to get this little glimpse into his life. These are things he doesn’t want Carlos to know. He made that clear when he stormed out the door of Carlos’ condo and left nothing behind except Carlos’ fractured heart. 

He takes a breath and squares his shoulders. It’s just a stupid office tradition. They’re colleagues. They’re going to have to become cordial at some point. Maybe this is how he can start to smooth things over. Besides, it’s not like he has to talk to the guy. That’s literally the point. To keep it secret.

This is going to be fine.

It is not fine. It’s not fine because Carlos is the type of person that agonizes over gifts. And in this case, there’s even more pressure because the gifts have to be perfectly impersonal so they don’t say, “Your dick was life changing and I don’t think I’m ever going to recover because now you hate me and I don’t really know why.” He’d much rather they say, “I’m fine and I don’t ever think about you and that thing you did with your tongue that one time.”

Ugh.

He arrives Monday morning the week before Christmas with a gift bag in hand, a Yankees baseball cap tucked inside. It’s a lame gift. Perfectly impersonal. And the rest of his gifts for the week aren’t much better. There’s a small part of him berating himself for not doing a better job. He could at least try. The guy broke up with him, he didn’t murder anyone.

But then he remembers how miserable he was in the days after T.K. had stormed out. Whatever. He didn’t sign up for this anyway. T.K. deserves his boring gifts.

The office is quiet as he makes his way to T.K.’s cubicle. Even just the sight of his desk makes Carlos’ heart ache a little. There’s a picture pinned to his bulletin board of T.K. with their other co-workers, Marjan, Paul, Judd, Mateo, Nancy, and Tommy all smiling and having fun, clearly out for a night on the town together. He’d known 126Designs was small and that was part of the reason for the acquisition; to bring on a tightly knit team to help their own, but seeing T.K. so happy with them all doesn’t really feel great.

He’s been so preoccupied by his own shopping that he completely forgot that he is also getting gifts until he steps into his cubicle and sees a bright green bag with little white Christmas trees all over it. He inspects it carefully, relieved to find there’s no glitter anywhere. 

He hates glitter.

There’s a little card attached to the handle and when he opens it it reads “Hope you have a Write Christmas- FF.” It takes him a second to figure out that FF must mean Festive Friend.

He carefully extracts the tissue paper and looks into the bag. It’s office supplies. Pens, post-its, a new stapler, blue paperclips, and a ball of rubber bands.

The pun on the card makes sense, even if it is as terribly lame as the gifts inside. At least it’s practical. He can always use new pens.

“Hey!” Lexi pokes her head in. “Ooh what’d you get?”

He shows her the bag and she nods in approval. “Your Festive Friend knows you like office supplies. Nice.”

“If you’re expecting a thank you for going behind my back on this, you’re going to be waiting a long time,” Carlos tells her as he sits down and opens up his laptop.

“Pretty sure people with that attitude get coal in their stocking,” she tells him, flipping him off before heading to her own cubicle.

It’s midway through the morning and Carlos is about to make yet another phone call when Owen Strand steps into the middle of the bullpen. “All right, attention everyone!” he calls.

The ambient sound of typing and low chatter ceases. “Thank you,” he says. “I just wanted to remind everyone that we have our first team building activity this afternoon. So if you have anything scheduled this is your last chance to rearrange. Mandatory fun is in store for all!”

Carlos bites back a groan. He is really not into mandatory office fun. Especially when it means he’ll be in close proximity to T.K. But he’s also not one to flaunt the rules, so he’s going to have to suck it up and deal.

No one has been allowed in the conference room all morning and when one o’clock rolls around Owen waits at the door with a massive grin on his face. The man is clearly thrilled with whatever he’s cooked up to torture them today.

When Carlos walks through the door he sees why. The tables have been covered in red plastic tablecloths and every two feet or so sits a pile of materials like graham crackers, marshmallows, frosting, and candy. It’s immediately obvious how they will be team building today.

“All right everyone!” Owen says when they’re all assembled. “As you can probably guess our team building activity for today has taken a turn for the festive. And I’ve taken the liberty of assigning you all a partner to work with. Each team will be assembling a pre-determined part of our gingerbread village. Paul, you’re with Marjan.”

They immediately turn and high five, clearly thrilled. 

“Nancy with Lexi, Judd with Tommy, Mateo with me,” Owen flashes him a smile and Mateo lets out a whoop.

Carlos’ stomach drops. That leaves him with—“T.K., you’ll be with Carlos.”

Fuck.

“Send one person to grab your pre-assigned building assignment! Remember this is not a competition. We’re all working together to build our village. Just like it takes a village to run a company.”

There’s a brief silence in which everyone internalizes what a dumb, schticky thing Owen has just said and then he claps his hands. “Okay, get to work!”

Everyone claims a spot around the tables. Carlos takes a paper slip from Owen and then looks around to find T.K., who is sitting across the room with his back to Carlos.

Carlos reluctantly walks over and sits in the empty seat next to him, all the while wondering if he can fake sick or claim a family emergency to get out of this. When he finally looks up at his partner he recoils in shock. T.K.’s lip is split and swollen, and there’s a dark ring of bruising underneath his right eye. “What happened to you?” Carlos asks, a surprised reflex releasing the words from his mouth before he can stop them.

The look T.K. sends him immediately reminds him that they’re not friends anymore. It’s full of vitriol and misery and…Carlos looks a little closer. Pain. There’s a rawness there that Carlos doesn’t remember seeing before.

“Sorry,” he says. “I just…that looks like it hurts.”

“Doesn’t feel great,” T.K. agrees, his voice stiff. “What are we supposed to be making?”

Carlos looks at the paper. “Police station.”

“Perfect. Way to read the room Dad. ACAB and all that,” T.K. grouses as he reaches for a pile of graham crackers and immediately begins squeezing icing all over.

“Um,” Carlos hems and T.K. stops.

“What?”

“Don’t you think maybe we should make a plan first?”

T.K. sighs and dramatically drops his piping bag onto the table. “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

“No I—I didn’t mean—” Carlos struggles to find the right words. “It’s fine. Let’s just try and get something standing first. That’s the hardest part anyway.”

They spend a couple minutes in silence gluing graham crackers together with icing and using some marshmallows to prop them up until they have something that roughly resembles walls and a roof. “You’re kind of good at this,” T.K. says. 

It’s the closest thing to niceties that they’ve shared in weeks.

“I have a lot of nieces and nephews. Not my first gingerbread house. Although it is my first police station,” Carlos admits.

“Cool,” T.K. says, then winces, his lip clearly hurting.

“You sure you don’t want to tell me what happened?” Carlos asks, feeling a little emboldened by T.K.’s compliment.

T.K. shoots him a glare. “You’re kind of annoying. You know that?”

“So I’ve been told,” Carlos says, trying to let the jab roll off his back. “But I know you’re new around here and you’ve obviously gotten into some trouble. Sometimes it helps to talk things out.”

He gets silence in return. God what the hell is wrong with this guy? He’s literally just trying to help. “Fine. You don’t have to tell me. But you should probably tell someone before whoever gave you that shiner comes back to give you a matching set.”

T.K. goes quiet, fiddling with the icing bag in his hand. When he speaks his voice is soft.“I went to a bar last night.”

“Ah. A little drunk and disorderly,” Carlos says, aware that he’s being snarky and not caring in the least. “So you have an idea of how the inside of this police station should look then.”

“I wasn’t drunk,” T.K. says quickly and Carlos remembers his Festive Friends answers. He looks down. “I just went through a really bad break up. Like nuclear bad. And then I relapsed.” He looks around and lowers his voice. “I relapsed with substances.”

Oh.

Carlos sets down the graham cracker in his hands, his full attention now on T.K. as memory slices through him. “I tried to pour us champagne during dinner. I’m such an idiot I’m sorry—“

“It’s fine, ” T.K. cuts him off quickly, like if he gets interrupted now he won’t ever be able to find the strength to share this again. He fiddles with the peppermint wrapper in his hands. “Ever since I’ve gotten here it’s just…it’s grey. And I just feel numb all the time. So I went out to a bar looking for trouble. And I found it. Big time. I guess I just…I wanted to feel something.”

He’s pulled in on himself, his body looking vulnerable and wounded. Carlos gets it now. The overenthusiastic sex. His no-strings attached mentality. The complete meltdown during dinner. This is a man who has been hurt, and he’s struggling to find a way to heal. Carlos had unknowingly probed at the wound in his soul and T.K. had lashed out. It makes sense, even if it wasn’t fair.

T.K. looks miserable and despite their history all Carlos wants to do is make him feel better. “Judging by that lip, I’d say mission accomplished,” he says, trying to lighten the moment.

“You’re really busting my balls right now?” T.K. asks, an unreadable expression on his face.

“No,” Carlos says. “I’m busting your jingle bells.” He tries and fails to hold back a smile at his incredibly stupid joke.

T.K. blinks at him. “That’s terrible,” he says, but he is also struggling to keep his face neutral.

“And yet you’re smiling,” Carlos says. He feels lighter, like there’s been an ominous blizzard hanging over him in the weeks since they stopped seeing each other. Now it feels like the snow has finally started to fall and all the ugliness of the bare world in winter is being covered in a fresh layer of soft white powder. There’s a sense of hope to it.

“I’m laughing at how stupid it is,” T.K. says.

“Well laugh while you work,” Carlos says, reaching for a bar of Hershey’s chocolate to put on the roof. “I know your dad said it wasn’t a competition, but Marjan and Paul seem to be working on a second story. So I’m not sure they know that.”

Together they finish the roof, adding on lots of dripping icing as snow and icicles. Carlos carefully starts to add windows while T.K. works on the landscaping. 

“Tommy I don’t know why you’re trying to make me do these little details when you know I’ve got fat fingers,” Judd is saying across the way as he and Tommy try to add a steeple to their church.

Marjan and Paul’s apartment building does indeed have two stories and they’ve somehow managed to chisel out actual windows in the graham crackers. Lexi and Nancy are creating a ski chalet that includes a chairlift, and Owen and Mateo’s fire station sports a fire pole made of pretzel rods.

“There,” T.K. says, plonking a creation down in front of where Carlos has crafted a front door out of Kit Kats.

Carlos raises an eyebrow. “What is that?”

“A snowman.”

Ah. Now Carlos sees it. There are two marshmallows stacked on top of each other and T.K. has shoved pretzel sticks in each side for arms. There is a lifesaver on each one and they’re connected by a thread of Twizzler. “What’s on its arms?” he asks.

“Handcuffs,” T.K. says.

“The snowman is getting arrested?”

“Or getting ready to do something kinky.”

“In front of a police station?”

“Some people get off on a little exhibitionism. Don’t judge Carlos,” T.K. says, a smirk on his face.

Damn it. They should have stayed mortal enemies. Now that they’re talking again, Carlos feels the urge to drag T.K. into the nearest cubicle and kiss the shit out of him. He didn’t need to go to a bar to find trouble. He could have shown up on Carlos’ doorstep and gotten into plenty.

Carlos’ attempt at a police cruiser has them both laughing; the oreo wheels keep falling off the rice krispie body (which T.K. snuck out and stole from the break room and has loudly been declared illegal by half the staff in the room) no matter how much icing he uses to try and stick them on.

“Stop eating our building materials,” Carlos admonishes a few minutes later when he goes for another red gum drop and finds they’re nearly gone.

“Why? They’re delicious. Tis the season for sugar,” T.K. says.

Carlos goes to give him a look and notices a dab of frosting on the corner of his mouth. “You’ve got some—“ He mimes brushing it away.

T.K. grabs a tissue and wipes, but misses completely. “No other side,” Carlos directs without success. “Here just, let me.”

He swipes the tissue from T.K.’s hand and dabs carefully, taking care not to pull on T.K.’s split lip. Their eyes meet and a heat passes between them, setting Carlos’ bones on fire. He clears his throat. “Got it.”

“Thanks,” T.K. says quietly.

They spend another half hour decorating before Owen makes them put all the buildings together into a little town while he snaps a picture for the company social media accounts. It’s actually pretty adorable once assembled and Carlos goes home that night strangely optimistic about what the rest of the week has in store.

Tuesday is business as usual and by the time Wednesday morning rolls around Carlos finds himself excitedly driving into work, his gift for T.K. in the passenger seat. He’s scrapped all his other gifts and spent the last two days looking for better items. Last night he visited a local tea shop and probably went a little overboard. They’d definitely upsold him on a few things and he’d let it happen because Monday’s gingerbread decorating had put a kernel of hope in his chest and…it can’t hurt to make sure T.K. likes his gifts, right?

He drops off T.K.’s gift bag and is only mildly disappointed when he walks into his own cubicle to find his desk is empty. It doesn’t matter; at least, that’s what he tells himself. Honestly, he’s not surprised. People are terrible at doing Secret Santa, it’s very likely that his person has forgotten him in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.

He heads to his desk and gets right to work because they’re all heading out early to help with a toy drive at the local fire station; another of Owen’s brilliant ideas to encourage office camaraderie. It means he has a lot more to take care of than usual to try and make up for the lost time, and by mid-morning he’s in desperate need of a second coffee.

He’s about to get up and make one when his phone rings. It’s Ernie, their security guard from downstairs informing him that there’s a delivery waiting for him. Confused but intrigued Carlos heads for the elevator.

“Hey Ernie, all set for the holidays?” he asks when he reaches the desk on the ground floor.

“Just about. Got a couple more things to pick up today, but then I should be good to go,” Ernie tells him. He nods toward a bag and a coffee cup on the desk. “That’s for you.”

“Thanks.”

Carlos picks up the white paper sack and has to hold back a snort when he sees what’s written on the side. Hope the holidays don’t make you “cronuts”- FF. He peeks inside and inhales the scent of cronuts from Twiggy’s. Cronuts are a massive weakness of his, and a sip of the coffee tells him it’s made just to his specifications, a little bit of cream, no sugar. Whoever his Festive Friend is, they know him well. His suspicions are definitely leaning more and more toward Lexi.

He gets back in the elevator and when he steps off he nearly runs over T.K. “Whoa, sorry,” he says, holding up the coffee so it doesn’t spill all over T.K.’s chest.

“Lunch?” T.K. asks, nodding toward the bag.

“A snack from my ‘Festive Friend,’” he says. “Cronuts from the Twiggy’s.”

“That place is great. Enjoy,” T.K. says. 

“Do you want one?” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. God he’s needy. “I um, I got two and I can’t eat both. They’re really only good fresh, it’s not like I can save one—“

“Sure.” T.K. thankfully interrupts his ramble and the affirmative response sends a jolt of electricity through him.

They step into the break room and T.K. boils some hot water for tea before settling down across from Carlos at one of the high top tables, a kitschy little vase of fake flowers between them. 

Carlos pulls out the cronuts and puts each one on a paper plate. They’re decorated for the season as little Santa bellies, and hopefully they’re as delicious as he remembers. He slides one toward T.K. before picking up his own and taking a massive bite. He has to hold back a groan. They’re freaking amazing.

When he looks up he finds T.K. staring at him with an amused smirk on his face. “Sorry,” Carlos says, feeling his cheeks heat. “I um, these are my favorite.”

“So I can see,” T.K. says, the smirk widening a little. “The last time I saw that look we were both way more naked.”

Carlos feels his entire face go red at the reminder. He finishes chewing his bite, trying not to let memories of said naked time take over his brain. “So your dad,” he says. “He’s really into the holidays huh? We’ve never had so many festive office events.”

“Yeah my dad doesn’t really do anything by half measures,” T.K. says. “I think he might be overcompensating on the holiday cheer a little bit this year. The move down here was kind of a lot and I haven’t exactly been a bundle of joy lately, so he’s trying to fix it with cocoa and faux Christmas wreaths.”

Carlos takes another bite and thinks carefully about his next move. This new dynamic between them still feels tenuous, and he doesn’t want to fracture it. But at the same time, he can see the unfiltered hurt in T.K.’s eyes and he longs to help bear the weight of it. “You mentioned a breakup the other day,” he says quietly. “Is that part of why you came?”

T.K. blows out a breath and looks down at his cronut. “It’s the whole reason we came.”

Carlos watches as he wrestles internally and he’s just about to say that T.K. doesn’t have to tell him anything, when T.K. starts to speak again. “I had a boyfriend, in New York. Alex. We were together for like…I don’t know, a year I guess? He was the first boyfriend I’d had since getting sober and I wanted it to work so badly. Like this relationship was proof I finally had my shit together, you know?”

Carlos nods.

“I had this plan, I was going to propose to him. Had a ring, a restaurant, the whole thing. I was basically down on one knee and he—he told me he’d been cheating on me. With his spin instructor.”

Something hot and violent shoots through Carlos. “That motherfucker,” he says, before he can stop himself.

T.K. looks up in surprise and lets out a startled laugh.

“Sorry,” Carlos says. “That’s just…wow what an asshole.”

“Yeah he definitely was,” T.K. says, looking a little more relaxed now, as if Carlos’ angered sympathy has put him more at ease. “For a long time I think. I can look back on it now and see little moments. We only ever went where he wanted to go for dinner. He was always busy when I asked him to meet my friends. There was stuff I was overlooking because I was trying to prove to everyone else that I was stable.”

“I get that,” Carlos says.

T.K. shifts a little. “I went home after that, found a bottle of pills and…took them until I couldn’t feel anymore. My dad had to bust down the door to save my life.” He shrugs. “And that’s how we ended up here. He knew I needed to get away, so he took me as far as he could get.”

He looks up at Carlos. “I’m doing better now. Well, kind of.” He indicates his black eye. “But that’s why I freaked out on you that night. It wasn’t the champagne or anything you did. You were—you were so kind to me Carlos. I just wasn’t ready for it. And I’m really sorry that I walked out on you.”

The urge to reach over and touch him, to hold his hands and soothe away the hurt that’s painted into the lines of his forehead is overwhelming. But he’s not sure T.K. would be into that so he grips his own thighs instead. “Thank you for telling me,” he says. “That all sounds really difficult. I’m sorry I ambushed you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more understanding when I realized you were uncomfortable. I think um, I think my ego took a little bit of a hit,” he says sheepishly.

“Oh you think Mr. ‘I Know It Doesn’t Look Like a Lot of Work’?” T.K. asks with a grin.

“Hey, that fish took me like three hours to make,” Carlos teases. “You missed out.”

T.K. sobers a little and fiddles with his cronut again. “I think I missed out on a lot.”

Carlos opens his mouth to offer a response, but Lexi pokes her head into the break room. “Carlos, your phone is ringing off the hook.”

“Coming,” he says, sliding off the stool and picking up his plate with the last couple bites of cronut on it. “Are you going to the toy drive this afternoon?”

“Boss dad said be there so yeah, I’m going,” T.K. says. “Thanks for the cronut.”

“You’re welcome,” Carlos says and then hustles back to his cubicle, where his phone is indeed ringing off the hook. He shoves the last bite of cronut into his mouth as he sits down, chewing furiously before he picks up. “This is Carlos.”

An HR crisis means Carlos is the last one to leave the office and arrive at the fire station’s toy drive. He looks for T.K. as soon as he gets there, but Lexi pulls him over to a table where they’re taking donations for one of the local food pantries. 

“So,” Lexi says as they fill boxes with canned beans and stuffing mix and mac and cheese, “looks like someone’s back on Carlos Reyes’ nice list. Although with the way you were looking at him, seems more like you’d prefer he stay on the naughty list.”

“Lexi!” Carlos hisses, looking around. “There are kids here!”

“Oh they can’t hear me,” she scoffs, handing him a bag of flour. “They’re all at the make-an-ornament station.”

Carlos looks over and finds T.K. hunkered down by that very table, laughing and smiling as he helps a couple kids glue pompoms and sequins to colored paper. It’s adorable and Carlos’ heart melts a little at the sight.

“See? That look right there. You’ve got it bad. You want him to jingle your ba—“

“I’m going to remind you that I’m your HR rep and you probably shouldn’t finish that sentence,” he says quickly.

“Fine.” She rolls her eyes. “But you two did look pretty cozy in the break room earlier. The great branzino war is over I take it?”

“Yeah we had a good talk,” Carlos says.

She clears her throat. “You can say thank you anytime now you know.”

He furrows his brow. “For what?”

“For making you do Festive Friends and fixing your broken heart.”

“My heart was not broken,” he scoffs.

“You have been acting like you’re in the last ten minutes of a Hallmark movie for weeks. Time to finally realize you’re in love and kiss under the mistletoe,” Lexi tells him.

“Just because we’re friendly now doesn’t mean we’re going to kiss.”

“Okay. Sure. Believe whatever you want.”

There’s a massive influx then from a church group and thankfully the matter is dropped for the rest of the night.

On Friday Carlos stops at home to change his clothes before heading to a local bar for their holiday party and the big Festive Friends reveal. He puts on a pair of dark jeans and winces when he pulls on the ugly sweater that Owen insisted they all wear. As far as they go, his is pretty tame, albeit with a bit more sparkle and pizazz than he usually goes for. It says Feliz Navidad in tinseled letters with some primary colored pom poms decorating the rest for good measure. It had been part of a family white elephant a few years ago and has sat in the back of his closet since for good reason. 

He gabs the box he wrapped up for T.K. on the way out the door. It’s nearly as brightly colored as his sweater. Generally he tries for a more sedate theme in wrapped gifts, but T.K. is so vivacious and colorful that he broke into the stash of wrapping paper he usually saves for his nieces and nephews.

He’s nervous as he drives and he can’t quite put his finger on why. Is it because he wants T.K. to like his gift? Because things between him and T.K. have shifted in a more positive direction and his stupid heart can’t quite stop believing that tonight might be like that first night at the honky tonk? Is it because he feels very stupid in this sweater and he really hopes everyone else obeyed Owen’s instructions from the email invite?

Probably all of it.

Ah well. At least if things don’t go well there will be liquor around to help drown his sorrows.

There’s immediate relief when he walks in through the doors of the bar and sees holiday themed knit-ware all over. “Hey Carlos, glad you came,” Owen says, greeting him at the door in a sweater with a massive reindeer head on the front.

“Mr. Strand,” Carlos says, giving him a nod.

“Carlos we’ve been over this. You can call me Owen,” Owen says, a tinge of good natured exasperation in his tone. 

“Yes, right, sorry” Carlos says, embarrassed. Didn’t he just chide Mateo for the same thing last week? Somehow this seems different. And definitely a weird way to address the man who fathered his most recent hookup.

“Go ahead and grab a drink, there’s hors d’oeuvres, I highly recommended the stuffed mushrooms, and then when the time feels right make sure you deliver your gift to your Festive Friend,” Owen says brightly. Then he leans close. “I got Judd a new belt. Italian leather, handcrafted, this thing is a masterpiece. He is gonna love it!”

“I’m sure he will,” Carlos agrees.

“Oh! Nancy! Come on in!” Owen gives Carlos a pat on the shoulder and moves past him to greet her.

Carlos says hello to Judd and his wife Grace, his eyes searching the room and finally landing on T.K. who is standing at the bar chatting with Mateo. Carlos’ heart flutters at the sight of him even as he tries to figure out what the heck is knitted on the back of his sweater. It appears to be a long, yellow tail, but that can’t possibly be right, can it? He takes a breath and then abruptly loses courage and goes to find Lexi instead. “Nice earrings,” he says when he gets to her table.

“Thanks,” she says, pushing her hair back so he can see them better. “They’re from my ‘Festive Friend’ Marjan.”

“Great,” Carlos says as he grabs a chip from a bowl on the table. “Did you give Paul your gift?”

“Yes, he is thrilled with the crime novels I got him. He hasn’t read that author yet so hopefully he likes them.” She gives him a look. “Why do you still have T.K.’s?”

“I haven’t seen him yet,” Carlos says defensively.

“You mean you saw him and you’re too chicken to go over there because you’re having feelings and don’t know what to do with them,” she says bluntly. “Are you going to ask him out when you give it to him?”

“I—I don’t know,” Carlos says. “That seems pushy.”

“You two were practically making out in that break room.”

“We were literally sitting three feet apart,” Carlos says dryly. 

“Fine. You were emotionally making out.”

He wrinkles his nose. “That’s not a thing.”

“I think you should ask him. It’s Christmas. The season of miracles. And wishes. And Santa shit. This is your chance!” she says enthusiastically.

“How much have you had to drink?” he asks.

She scoffs. “This isn’t drunkeness. It’s my Christmas wish that you grow a pair and ask T.K. out.”

“That is a terrible wish,” Carlos says. 

“Well it is what it is. You wouldn’t want to break a girl’s heart at Christmas would you?”

He opens his mouth to respond but Paul calls Lexi’s name and beckons her toward him. “That’s my cue,” she says, hopping off her bar stool. “Gonna go kick Paul’s ass at darts. Good luck!”

And with that she’s gone, leaving Carlos alone with his feelings and his gift box. He stares at it for a moment and gives himself a stern pep talk. It’s a gift. Not a marriage proposal. If T.K. hates it, it’s whatever. 

“Hey Carlos.”

He’s waited too long. He looks up to find T.K. standing on the other side of the table, a smile on his face. Carlos can now see the front of his sweater. Some kind of lizard smiles at him, clearly the front end of the tail he spotted before. Above it are the words “Merry Crickets.” It is truly the most hideous thing he’s ever laid eyes on, but somehow T.K. makes it look adorable.

“Hey,” he replies..

Excellent. Great. He’s crushing this.

“Nice sweater,” T.K. says, taking a sip of the drink in his hand. 

“Thanks. This is some party. Your dad is quite the host.”

T.K. rolls his eyes, but there’s a fondness to it. “Just be grateful I talked him out of chartering a party bus. And roller skating.”

“Your dad thought our holiday party should be at a roller rink?”

“He was going with an 80’s holiday theme at first,” T.K. says. “It took a lot of bargaining to get him down to ugly sweater instead. I think he was an event planner in a former life.”

“He definitely has a flair for it,” Carlos agrees. He looks down at the present in front of him. He should have gotten a drink before doing this. “So um, actually, I’m your Festive Friend. Surprise. This is for you.”

He slides it across the table and T.K.’s eyes immediately light up. “Can I open it now?” he asks eagerly.

He looks like a kid on Christmas morning and it’s so endearing that Carlos can barely breathe. “Yeah, yes, it’s all yours.”

T.K. pulls off the bow and rips open the paper, lifting out the soft yellow sweatshirt inside. He doesn’t say anything for a moment and Carlos feels a flutter of nerves. “It’s—“

“The sweatshirt Harry Styles wore in New York last summer,” T.K. says. His tone is almost reverent, his thumbs moving back and forth to stroke the material. “Oh my god. I have Harry Styles’ sweatshirt.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not the exact one he wore,” Carlos says, feeling sheepish. “But I know you like him and hoodies so it seemed right.”

“It must have taken forever for you to find this,” T.K. says.

“Oh, no, it was…it was no big deal,” Carlos says, omitting the entire night he spent on instagram combing through Harry’s outfits of the last few years and trying to find them for sale. 

“Thank you Carlos,” T.K. says, sincere gratitude in his voice. “This is amazing. All your gifts were amazing.”

“I mean, that hat was kind of lame,” Carlos says, still embarrassed that he bought something so generic.

“No it’s great! I’m going to wear it the next time I go to an Astros game,” T.K. says, a twinkle of mischief in his eye.

Carlos chuckles. “Yeah good luck with that.”

“Did you get your last gift yet?” T.K. asks casually.

Carlos shakes his head. “Not yet.”

“Any guesses who it might be?”

He has no idea. There’s no one in the office that knows him well enough to send him cronuts besides Lexi and he knows she had Paul. “No,” he says. “Usually I’m pretty good at figuring this kind of thing out, but everyone in the office is so new I haven’t really been able to get a read on anyone.”

“Marjan?”

“She had Lexi.”

“Paul?” 

Carlos looks around until he finds him standing in a corner next to a Christmas tree, laughing at something Lexi just said. “I don’t think so. He’s from Chicago, I doubt he would know about Twiggy’s.”

“Judd?”

“Something tells me he wouldn’t know about cronuts either,” Carlos says with a laugh. “I feel like it has to be someone who knows me pretty well, but Lexi is the only one—“

His eyes land on T.K.’s face and he knows. He can see it in his eyes and he feels stupid he didn’t realize it before when T.K. used that false casual tone. “You?” he asks in surprise. “You’re my Festive Friend?”

T.K. reaches into his back pocket and pulls out an envelope. “Merry Christmas,” he says as he hands it to Carlos. 

Still in a little bit of shock Carlos carefully lifts the flap on the envelope to reveal a printed out email inside. “A cooking class?” he asks, looking up to search T.K.’s eyes. 

T.K. nods, a flicker of nerves flashing over his face. “It’s bruschetta, pasta, and a dessert. A husband and wife team run it out of their home. I thought, I mean you obviously know how to cook, but I thought it might be fun.”

“It sounds amazing,” Carlos says genuinely. He’s always wanted to try his hand at homemade pasta.

T.K. nods and takes a breath. “I um, I got you two tickets. You can take whoever you want, but I—“ He runs his hands nervously over his jeans. “I know I fucked things up between us, so I was hoping that maybe this could be kind of a do-over for us. If you want?”

“Yes,” Carlos says immediately. It’s embarrassingly fast and absolutely gives away how badly he wants them to try again, but he doesn’t care. “Yes I would love a do-over.”

“Yeah?” T.K. asks, his eyes full of hope.

“Yeah,” Carlos says. A smile plays on his lips and he’s about to thank T.K. for his other gifts when something occurs to him. “You little shit!” he says incredulously. “You bought me those cronuts and then sat there and ate one like you had no clue who’d given them to me!”

T.K. sends him a wicked smile. “I was counting on your holiday generosity,” he says.

“How did you even know about that bakery?” Carlos asks.

“You mentioned it,” T.K. says. “I don’t know, it was the second or third time we hooked up. I saw a flyer for them on your fridge and you told me how good they were.”

“You remember that?” Carlos asks in surprise. After their blowup he’d convinced himself that he was just a warm body for T.K. to be with, another notch in his bedpost who’d meant nothing to him.

T.K. looks at him, his face serious. “I remember all of it Carlos.”

The words make his heart swell and he hysterically wonders if this is how the Grinch felt when he heard the Who’s singing on Christmas. “I remember too,” he says. “It was incredible.”

“That first night, in the honky tonk. Best bathroom hookup of my life,” T.K. tells him.

“Only bathroom hookup of my life,” Carlos says.

“Yeah, I know,” T.K. says with a roll of his eyes.

“How could you know that?”

“Because you kept looking around like it was the most unsanitary thing you’d ever seen in your life,” T.K. tells him. “So I made it my mission to make you forget all about it. Pretty sure I succeeded.”

Carlos flushes as he  thinks about T.K.’s mouth and his hands and the way they felt on his body. “You definitely did.” His gaze drops to T.K.’s lips. “God, I want to kiss you so badly right now.”

T.K. smirks, clearly please that he’s turned Carlos on in the middle of this bar. “What’s stopping you?”

“Um the fact that all of our co-workers are here. And also your dad,” Carlos says with a laugh.

As if on cue Owen’s voice rings out over the crowd. “All right everyone!” He claps his hands a couple times. “If I could have everyone’s attention please! Thank you all for coming to the 126 Designs holiday party. I have a little surprise up my sleeve. Tonight, we are going to be participating in some holiday karaoke!”

A bar employee rolls a karaoke machine in out of nowhere to cheers from the crowd. “Did you know?” Carlos asks.

“No,” T.K. says. “But I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Get on over here!” Owen encourages them. “Judd! Let’s hear a little Deck the Halls buddy!”

“Come on.”

T.K. reaches for Carlos’ hand and pulls him toward a side door. “Wait, what about karaoke?” Carlos asks.

“Do you really want to stay here and listen to my dad attempt a version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town?”

Carlos considers this. “Actually…”

T.K. laughs and tugs him again. “Come on Reyes.”

They step outside into the night, the door closing behind them. It’s quiet and the air has a slight chill. Nothing that would even hint at a white Christmas, but enough that it feels like the holiday season instead of the dead of summer. A few stars have managed to permeate the light pollution and the moon shines brightly above them.

The side of the restaurant is lit by a single streetlamp, giving them just enough light to see each other, but also the illusion of privacy from anyone else who might be walking by. T.K. leans against the brick of the wall and tugs Carlos toward him, dropping his hand so he can grab his waist, his thumb pressing into the crease between Carlos’ thigh and his hip through his pants. “Well,” T.K. says, the cocky ass smirk on his face that shoots something hot through Carlos’ veins. “Go ahead. Kiss away.”

Carlos looks around in fake concern. “Mmm, I don’t know. Someone could still see us out here.”

“Don’t worry,” T.K. pulls a sprig of mistletoe from his pocket and dangles it over their heads. “I swiped this from inside. Now you have to kiss me. Christmas rules.”

“Oh is that right?” Carlos asks with smile, pressing in a little closer, and lifting a hand to run it through T.K.’s hair before sliding it down to cradle the back of his neck.

“Definitely,” T.K. says.

Carlos doesn’t waste another second before leaning in and fitting their lips together. The sparks inside him whirl and dance before bursting into full on flames. It feels like coming home. 

T.K. opens up and invites him in, their bodies coming flush together, searching for as much contact as possible. Carlos fists one hand into T.K.’s hair, the other landing solidly on his lower back and urging him closer, while T.K.’s roam everywhere, traveling Carlos’ biceps, his chest, his back, his ass, and everything in between. 

Carlos slots a thigh between T.K.’s legs, pressing into him and T.K.’s head falls back against the wall, eyes closing as he lets out something between a groan and a sigh. Carlos smiles and uses the change in position to press kisses into the sensitive spot just below his ear. “I missed you,” he says in between breaths.

“I missed you too. Am I going to have to report this to HR?” T.K. asks.

Carlos pauses and pulls back, sending T.K. a withering look. “Haha,” he says dryly. “Thanks for reminding me that I’m going to have my hands full with this one in the new year.”

“My ass is quite a handful,” T.K. says with a smirk. “But you can handle it. It’s just a little bit of paperwork. And someone got you really nice pens for the holidays.”

“Yeah someone did,” Carlos says, poking him in the side until he squirms. “Speaking of paperwork, you owe me a thank you note for your gifts.”

T.K. bites his lip. “Why don’t you take me back to your place and I’ll do a little better than a thank you note?”

Fuck. Carlos swallows hard. “What about the party? Won’t your dad be upset?”

“I’m spending Christmas day with him. He’ll live.” He slides a finger along the waistband of Carlos’ jeans. “We can go back in if you really want to though. I do a mean rendition of Jingle Bell Rock. We can stand in there with all of our co-workers and you can try not to think about how good I’d make you feel if the two of us were in bed together.”

Carlos strokes a thumb across T.K.’s cheek. “As much as I would like to hear you sing Jingle Bell Rock, I think I’d rather take you home.”

T.K. gestures toward the street. “Then lead on Festive Friend.”

It’s the merriest Christmas Carlos has had in a long time. 

[gamerbunny1996]

Our Secret

Warning ⚠️: mention of abuse that's all. No it's not Schlatt doing it either.

You just started streaming on twitch in the last couple months and you already have a few thousand that watch you. It's probably because your brother was a famous YouTuber after all. Your brother was very hesitant to let you stream. With lots of begging and threatening you doing it anyway because you're a grown ass adult he let you. You already help him with his stuff anyway you film and edit for him and his friends,so you can only stream once in a while anyway.

You even just got invited to join a Minecraft server. So every Friday when you're not traveling you stream it. You decided to build your house away from everyone. Not many people came and visited you and you were okay with that. You would drag your brother in your room to show him all the work you have been working on in the world.

One day when you were doing a chill stream just building on the world a couple others on the server came over to your area. “So this is where you have been hiding '' one of the three guys said. “Um yes it is well I mean I didn't mean to hide away” you replied back. “Wow you have done a lot” you looked at the name tag of who said that. Mikasacus the name tag said. “Yeah I play off stream sometimes I don't have a lot of time to play so I do when I can” you told them. “Well let us introduce ourselves, I'm Mika,” he said to you. “I'm Aztro," the other one said. You walked up to them, punching them away. “Hey that was rude” they punched you back. I laughed at them.

Now you know the other one, he was the one that invited you, schlatt was his name. We haven't talked other than him sending you an email about joining the server. “You should show us around,” Mika asked. “Yeah sure follow me” you started to run off. Showing the three around your base. You would catch schlatt stealing something once in a while and yelling at him to put it back. After that Aztro and Mika left to go find their other friend. “How are you liking the server?” Schlatt asked you. “I'm liking it. I should go explore more and talk with the others here as well but I like staying in my area” you told him. “I'll have to come visit more often then” he said. “That would be wonderful” you got excited that someone wanted to play with you. “Alright but I gotta go finish filming for sleep deprived talk to you later” he started to run off.

Weeks have gone by and you have been talking to Schlatt everyday most of the time you're not even live on twitch. You guys just like talking just the two of you. You found out a lot about schlatt. One, he lives where two of your brother's friends are. So you have a chance to meet him one of the times you go over to Texas to film. He also owns two cats so you two show off your cats to each other all the time. Well yours isn't well yours she is your brother's cat but you still show the little cat off all the time.

It was time for you to travel again so streaming is going to have to go on hold for a while. You leave in a week to Texas. You really wanted to meet up with Schlatt but your brother is super protective of you and you don't know how to go off without him noticing. Plus you also won't have time. So you decided to just ask your brother to stay an extra day so you can meet up with schlatt. You just won't tell him who. Walking up the stairs you see your brother on his computer.

“Hey Gaege can I ask you a question”

“Yeah what is it?” he turned around in his chair to face you.

“Can we maybe stay an extra day in Texas”

“Why?”

“I have some twitch friends out there I want to meet”

“No” is all he said turning around

“Why not I'm a big girl I can take care of myself” you started to walk farther into his room.

“I said no and that's that”

“Please Gaege” you tried begging

“You know why I don't like you meeting up with people without me”

“Then you can come with”

“Still a no plus I don't even know who your meeting with”

“I knew I shouldn't have moved in with you” you yelled walking back down the stairs. Walking to your room slamming the door. You can hear Gaege yelling back at you. “You would have been on the streets then” crying in your pillow. You hated how protective your brother can be sometimes. He was right though, without him you would be on the streets with no job. You're 21 years old and can't even be left alone without him there. His girlfriend is the only one that's allowed to be left alone with you.

You text Schlatt that you won't have time to meet up with him when you're in Texas. Hugging your pillow to your chest. Soon your phone went off. Looking at it, it was Schlatt replying to you. “That's gay” he replied. Laughing a little you just typed yeah and sent it. You get why your brother is protective; he doesn't want anything repeating from your past. Soon a FaceTime call was coming through. Seeing the name you answered.

“Hello” schlatt said

“Hi”

“What wrong”

“My brother is just a jerk is all”

“Why you say that”

“i tried to get him to agree to stay one more day so we can meet up but he wasn't having any of it”

“That's okay will meet soon”

“That's the thing he doesn't want me meeting anyone I'm not even allowed to be left alone with his friends”

“What why that's a little bit protective don't you think”

“Yeah he has a good reason though”he gave a curious look.

“Long story”

“I got all day”

Rolling your eyes “I also rather not get into it. It's a hard thing for me to talk about”

“Gotcha we'll find a way to meet I promise”

Smiling you rolled out of bed. Going to your desk you sit down in your chair. Putting your phone up against your computer screen. “It's just heartbreaking that I can't do anything”

“Why don't you just move out you a big girl”

“I would but my brother has done so much for me and I don't want to lose him because I moved out”

“Why would he be mad at that”

“Like I said he is protective doesn't want me going out and meeting people and living life”

“I really want to know why he is so protective like it's bad y/n you got to have some freedom”

“I do I get to travel a lot and I hangout with all his friends all the time”

“His friends”

“Yeah I don't have any”

“Wonder why” Schlatt sarcastically said.

“Well I got online ones”

“It's more fun hanging out in person”

“Yeah I know”

“I think that's why all the friends I do make online stop talking to me”

“That's fucked up”

“Yeah it is. It's okay I get it”

Soon you heard your brother coming down the stairs. “I got to go,” you said, grabbing your phone. “Aw fine talk to you later toots” waving bye you hung up the phone. A knock came to your door. “Come in” your brother opens the door leaning on it. “I don't like you slamming doors in my house” rolling your eyes “okay dad” you said in a sarcastic tone. “Why do you want to meet this person or people so bad” turning to look at him. “Because I want friends too Gaege” you're getting upset again. “Last time that happened you got hurt”

“I was a dumb teenager, I'm not a kid anymore, I know how to get out of a bad situation now” you tried to argue.

“Do you. You tend to hide things from me alot”

You started to cry “why are you acting like this not everyone is asseholes”

“They are to me if it involves you. I seen you so broken and I don't want to see that again you lived in an abusive relationship for three years y/n, three years you didn't come to me when you need help”

“I was scared he threatened me so many times. I was 16, Gaege I didn't know what to do”

“Who”

“What?”

“Who do you want to meet”

Staying silent afraid he would flip if he found out it was Schlatt. “Who please tell me” he sounded so calm. “Schlatt” you said. “Fine” is all he said walking out. What did he mean by fine you thought. At this point you had so many emotions going through you. You just cried your eyes out. Moving to your bed you cried yourself to sleep.

It was the day of your trip. You have been down a lot lately just upset with your brother. You made sure all your equipment was packed and your clothes. Driving to the airport you just stayed looking out the window not wanting to talk with your brother.

Making it on the airplane you just played on your phone texts Schlatt once in a while to help distract you. The flight wasn't super long; it was just Florida to Texas. Once landed you go grab your bags. Gaege leads you through a crowd. Seeing your brother's friends you walk up to them.

You so badly just want to jump out of this car and run to Schlatt's place. You knew better though. A notification went off on your phone looking down, you saw Gabby texting you. Looking up because she was sitting in front of you. Confused, you looked back down and opened the message. “You okay. You seem really down then normal” smiling at the concern she had for you. Typing away, you replied back. “My brother is just annoying me like a lot” looking back out the window you just watch the car drive past different buildings. Your brother and his friend was talking about video ideas they could do while we are over.

Another ding went off. Looking at the message she sent you. “What happened?” Sighing, you replied back. “I just really want to meet a friend but he won't let me. It's annoying how he is so protective I just want a normal life” you are just getting frustrated all over again. “If I can convince Gaege to take you shopping I'll take you to meet your friend” your eyes lit up. “Really?” Gaege was now looking up at you. “What you are excited about” you tried to think of a lie. Soon Gabby buts in “I was telling her if I asked you for permission that I can take her shopping there this new clothing store nearby the house” you gave puppy eyes. “Please I'll stay by Gabby the whole time” he sighed. “Fine” you jumped in joy “yay I need so many new things” you tried to play along like you were actually going shopping. Look at your phone and you text Schlatt really quick. “Guess why we can meet up but it can't be for long and my brother can not know about this ever” you looked back out the window with a smile. “When can we go” you asked out loud. “How about once we get to the house the boys are just going to be playing drinking games plus once we come back I can bring them all dinner how does that sound” Gabby said looking at Gaege. “That would be perfect actually” you looked at your phone ready to text Schlatt where and what time to meet. “Bet” is all he said.

Once to the house you put your stuff in the spare room you're staying in and get ready to head out. Walking up to your brother you hugged him “thank you I needed this” he hugged you back “please stay near Gabby” looking him in the eyes you nodded in agreement.

You and Gabby walked out of the house and got into her car. “Thank you so much you don't understand how much I appreciate this” smiling at her “You know I need to know who your meeting” she wiggles her eye brows. Blushing a little”I just a friend I stream with” you try to dodge the question. “That not what I'm asking I'm asking for a name” you signed out “His name is Schlatt” she gives you a look “A boy ooooo. If it was a girl I feel like your brother wouldn't be as cautious but a boy he will kill him then me for taking you then you for lying” looking out the window”believe I know” well will do everything we can do he doesn't ever know about this so that means we got to actually buy some clothes” smiling at Gabby you nod your head in agreement.

Pulling up to the mall you both get out. “Okay once the two of you meet I'll just stay in the mall you can do whatever you want but message me once in a while and meet back here in two hours you hear me.” Gabby held onto your shoulders making sure you understand what she is staying. “Yes ma'am” rolling her eyes as you guys head into the store. You sent a quick text to Schlatt asking where he is. Soon you felt someone pick you up “right here” you heard the person say. You recognize that voice. Turning around once he puts you down, you hug him. “Alright you know the plan all is on my way” Gabby said heading off.

“How did you convince your brother?” asked, still hugging you. “believe me I'm just as shocked as you are but to be fair he thinks I'm shopping with Gabby and have no idea I'm meeting with you” you told him “well then let's make the best of the time we got” taking your hand into his he started to walk out of the mall. “I'll take you out to dinner then will come back and just chill in the mall until you have to leave” he told you, opening the car door for you. Getting in he closed the door and walked around getting in himself. You made it to a very nice restaurant.

Sitting at the table the two of you just talked away about different things. Ordering your food and eating. You guys just stayed and chatted for a while. Enjoying each other's company. “I told you we were going to meet one day” he said to you. Smiling you replied back “Didn't think so soon though” he ended up paying the bill to your dismay. Getting up you both left to get back to the mall. “Thanks for meeting up on such a short notice” he smiled at you still keeping an eye on the road “of course I dropped everything to come see you” you gasped “you shouldn't have done that” you looked worried now. “it's okay it wasn't that big of a deal” you smiled looking out the window soon you felt his hand grab yours.

Getting back to the mall you two just walked around and soon you saw a Build a bear. Gasping you started to drag Schlatt there. You picked out a black bunny. Schlatt picked out an orange cat. You smiled. Happy he was joining you in getting one. Once filed with the stuffing you picked out the outfits. Schlatt dressed his with a sweater and shorts with little light brown boots the bear even had a little baseball hat on. I dressed mine in a little black dress and tiny black shoes. Schlatt yet again paid for both the stuffed animals.

Walking out of the store you grabbed your bunny and handed his to you. Confused you looked at him “that one's mine” he gave you a smirk. “Well now you have something to have that reminds you of me and I have one that reminds me of you” with the biggest smile on your face you guys went to do some clothes shopping for you so you came back with stuff not to look suspicious. With a couple bags and a stuffed cat it was time to meet back up with Gabby and leave Schlatt.

You had a sad face not ready to stop spending time with Schlatt just yet. He grabbed your chin and made you look up at him. “It's okay we will meet again I promise” he gave your cheek a kiss. You started to blush crazy. Smiling at him not knowing what to say Gabby came up. “Alright time to go” nodding your head as you looked at Schlatt one last time. “Bye hope to see you again soon” he waved at you and you and Gabby left.

Once in the car Gabby looked at you “sooooo what did you guys dooooo” she said in a sing-song voice. “Um well we went out to eat then we went back to the mall and walked around we went to build a bear. Both of us got a stuffed animal and then I bought some clothes to not look suspicious and yeah. It was a lot of fun” you smiled through the whole thing. “Like the matching cat” she said looking at the road. Blushing hard, you hugged it tighter to your chest.

Picking up dinner for the boys you headed home. Walking in we set the pizzas down on the table calling the boys in. They rushed in grabbing slices. Your brother walked up to you. “How was the trip with Gabby” you looked at him “lots of fun Gabby even took me to build a bear see” you showed him the cat dressed just like Schlatt. “How nice of her, got any good clothes? '' nodding your head, you showed him the couple of bags you got. He hugged you from the side. “Glad you had a fun time” you smiled only if he knew.

[patibato]

[Bitter Sweet Sixteen] 002-B06 - Attack of Booksmart

Yumenosuke: Greetings. My name is Kuraku Yumenosuke! The other day, I heard the bold, wonderful announcement of you inaugurating active high schoolers as Tourism Ward Mayors.

It may be audacious, but as I have studied hard to someday become a Tourism Ward Mayor as part of my own life plan, I would like to use this video to introduce myself.

……

If you've watched this far, that means you've decided to give me at least a small chance… Thank you! Moving on, I would like to explain my plan!

The concept is "My Town, Future Dreams".

I have devised a tour aimed towards both prospective students and guardians there for the open days, as well as residents of the wards, where they can enjoy themselves by depicting their dreams for the future while contributing to society!

New students at Asu-High will naturally bear the burden of Hama's future, and aim to become Rank Fives like myself.

That's true not only for them, but for the guardians and adults as well. All people have a duty to aim for greater heights, to reconstruct ourselves—our community—our country—into something even better!

Our first step shall be to change the Hama we live in. This tour will prove that we have the power to do so.

In short, my tour will not simply be showing people around and introducing the school, but will include booths from local businesses, segments to experience local specialties and traditional crafts—

And I propose we include volunteer activities as well!

Volunteer activities provide not only real-world experience, but also the emotional benefits of contributing to the area, and are the best way for people to make connections with kindred spirits they meet on the way.

Now then, allow me to introduce the businesses that have offered their support. Please make sure you have the 254 page document I sent on hand!

Yumenosuke: —With that, I believe my explanation is finished. Thank you for watching this far!

I implore you to consider recruiting me! I, Kuraku Yumenosuke, shall be in your hands!

…

Cut.

*clapperboard sound*

Kuraku Yumenosuke: … Isotake Akuta-kun.

From this point onwards, I am speaking to you alone. Somehow or other, I hear you've taken on the role of leader.

What did you think of my plan?

I, personally, feel it ended up being a very honest piece, befitting of a student Ward Mayor.

Now—I've sent this video to all your teammates as well. Naturally, I also took the initiative to send it to Hama Tours a few days ago.

There's little time left until the open days. I think it would be best to change personnel sooner rather than later…

Despite waiting until the deadline, I have not received a response from Hama Tours; and so, I would like you to speak with them as well. With that, I shall excuse myself.

Akuta: …

……

(Aaaaah… What the hell, I don't even have the energy to eat anymore, or like…)

…

Like, I just feel super tired…

*door opens*

Momiji: Is everyone—oh, Akuta-kun.

Is nobody else here yet?

Akuta: …

Momiji: (He seems stupefied… It's clear he's not well.)

What happened? Did you eat something weird?

Akuta: ……

Momiji: Hey, come on, Akuta-ku—

*door opens*

Ushio: Hey! What the hell is this!?

Kiroku: -… I got, an email… from… the Student Council President.

Nanaki: It had some video about him showing off a proposal.

Muneuji: Even at 1.75 speed, it was ridiculously long.

Ushio: Could someone explain what this is? What's going on right now?

Momiji: Th-that's—not an issue! You don't have to worry about it one bit!

Akuta: …

Momiji: Me and Akuta-kun are planning to finalise the concept later. Right, Akuta-kun? It'll be fine.

Akuta: …nough…

Ushio: … Don't tell me, you think this plan—

Muneuji: Surely you're not thinking it'd be fine to go with this.

Akuta: ……

Kiroku: … Are you… thinking, that…?

Nanaki: Akuta, why aren't you saying anything? It's not like you.

Muneuji: Isotake, answer us.

Nanaki: Just keep going with your own style and—

Akuta: Man~~ the President sure is amazing! That Rank Five pin badge ain't just for show. When he talked about, uh, "e-mo-tio-nal benefit"? He looked so grown up!

Ushio: …

Don't fuck with us. Didn't you say you'd think it up yourself?

Kiroku: You're, not… feeling… fainthearted, are… you?

Akuta: No no, you're the ones acting weird! Don't be biased and look at it calmly. Can you think of anything this peak? Huh?

Muneuji: Are you being serious right now?

Akuta: That Yumenosuke guy's a genius! Doesn't it feel like he was born to be a Ward Mayor!?

So let's go with it! Would be great as the Day Team's leader, too! He's got my vote!

Ushio: Hey, what's with that attitude!

Akuta: I only have three followers!!

I only have three…

Ushio: …Huh?

Nanaki: ……

Momiji: H-hold on, let's take a moment to calm down. Follower count isn't relevant here. For now—

Nanaki: I'll step down.

Momiji: Nanaki-kun!?

Nanaki: I'll step down, and the President can join. Then the case is settled.

Akuta: …-.

Kafka: Alright, that's enough. I could hear you from the hall.

Momiji: Kafka!

Nanaki: Oguro-san, I'm stepping down—

Kafka: Nope. From the very start, I nominated you as a candidate to Principal Naoe.

I decided based on your activities as unlove.

I had expectations for you, and now that you've passed as I thought you would, I can't accept you stepping down.

Nanaki: …

Akuta: I'll drop out, then.

Momiji: Akuta-kun! You don't have to do that!

Akuta: I will. …Staying's just gonna cramp my style.

It's not a big deal. My stage just isn't here, that's all.

*door opens*

*running*

Momiji: Akuta-kun! Wait!

Akuta: -…! Let… go!

Momiji: Come on! Listen to me…!

*smack*

Momiji: …

Akuta: Don't touch me. …You're just going to give the usual lip service adults do.

Momiji: —

Akuta: I'm not going to become an adult like you, Sensei.

*running*

Momiji: Akuta… kun…

…

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Masterlist

[datamodel-of-disaster]

I am in a weird place right now. Maybe it’s because it’s still January, and my good resolutions haven’t *quite* gone the way of the dodo, but… Idk.

I feel like I’m getting used to being sober. And not sober of drugs and alcohol, but of… Excitement. Hype. Joy.

My life is so fucking boring and uninspiring right now. I’m not obsessed with anyone or anything. I’m not hyper focusing on anything. I’m meh about all stuff. I can’t create. And yet. My house is tidy. I’ve read like 5 physical books in two weeks. I’ve brushed my teeth semi-regularly. I’ve been productive and confident at work.

I feel like an animal, following instincts rather than thinking and feeling. It’s all one thing into the next, rinse and repeat, boring boring boring boring… but I’m getting used to it. It’s strangely comforting, almost… satisfying? Just living day by day, moment by moment. It’s all utterly dull but well, I have nothing better at the moment, nothing I’d rather be doing. So… I might as well vacuum the kitchen, I might as well finish up that documentation, I might as well send that email, I might as well go shower. You see?

Is this what maturity is? Or am I just depressed?

Bottom line: I think I’m better at human-ing when I don’t have anything I really love in my life, nothing that lights up my eyes. When nothing ever alleviates the drudgery, the drudgery becomes easier to bear, and the desire for it to be alleviated fades.

Maybe this is what they mean when talking about enjoying small things.

I didn’t know that a clean space was attainable, or that I’d find it pleasant. I didn’t know that I was still capable of reading real books. I didn’t realise how nice it is to have a skincare routine. None of these things give me Joy, or make me Excited. But they’re nice. And I didn’t appreciate them when I had other things in my life that gave me the Capital Letter Feelings, often to my own detriment, and the detriment of my space, my body, and my relationships.

I don’t know if I’m ok with Never feeling anything big or hype again. And yet a part of me is like… I hope it never comes back. I hope life will just be tidy kitchens and clean teeth and vacuumed floors from now on.

I guess it’s nice feeling like a capable adult for a change.

[altschmerzes]

also. once a-fucking-gain The Fuckening Continues To Continue With My Fucking Dad’s Fucking Estate and the way everyone is handling it in a way that seems COORDINATED to be as cruel to me specifically as possible. sorry for Continuing Oversharing lmao hopefully this is just. done now.

to recap the previous Fuckening, i was misled in a way that feels extremely clear and deliberate by the HR lady at my - abusive, now deceased - father’s work to think i was a beneficiary of his life insurance policy. I Am Not. my sister is the sole beneficiary and im named as the contingent which based on surrounding context is something he did as a “fuck you” to me for not having anything to do with him for the last seven years. as a result of the way the HR lady spoke to me about it - grouping my sister and i together as a unit, as Beneficiaries, plural, etc - i ended up under the clear impression i was one, until a phone call with the insurance company cleared up that he basically disinherited me as directly and deliberately as possible. even so, i have been dealing with the major bulk of the stuff his work and associated accounts and estate stuff needed from the family, because my sister is too despondent to want to deal with any of it and is refusing to answer phone calls, emails, or do any paperwork. my mom is babying and coddling them about it, as per the usual approach to my sister, who it is a cardinal sin to upset in my family.

so today i get Another email from the HR woman at my dad’s work. she is like haha yeah too bad i wasn’t clearer that you don’t get anything before making you do all this work! anyways, we need xyz paperwork from you guys still :). and i just.

she is. STILL hounding me for shit i dont have and am not INVOLVED IN because my fucking sister - who by the way is a grownass adult, and i know i sound insensitive but they’re almost 24 and i know they’re grieving but im not exactly having a fucking awesome time here - is dodging all attempts to contact them.

so i email her back and say i am almost entirely uninvolved in any of this please contact my mother or sister for further assistance. and then screenshot the email and texted it to my mother and told her hey. im done dealing with this. please take point on this because my sister’s inability to answer an email has caused ME to carry the burden of all of this constantly and i have compassion for them and what they’re going through but im fucking done. but in like. lawyer speak.

mistake, clearly, to mention my sister at all bc in the ensuing back and forth where im attempting to make it clear that my sister’s consistent non-responsiveness from the very beginning have made me the only person who will answer a phone call or email from this HR lady who has important paperwork she needs to do, and i am fucking Finished and will Not be doing this anymore because for obvious fucking reasons im uninterested in doing any more work for this estate situation - and fuck this lady for effectively lying by implication to get me to chase my mom and sister down for her. and all my mom is doing is getting defensive and protective of my sister. ignores a message i sent her that was long enough it wasn’t containable in a single phone screen and sends back two brief sentences about how my sister is completely blameless for anything and they don’t even have the paperwork HR Lady wants from us. and goes around and around about how my sister has done Everything Right and any contact i’ve gotten from HR Lady is not related. despite this woman saying to me repeatedly “we have not heard from your sister” as an explanation for why she was emailing to calling me.

the whole time too im like. texting her in Lawyer Speak lmao i am writing this as if i am communicating with Combative Opposing Council.

and it just. my fucking mom. the fucking fact that my mother is prioritizing my sister over me even in a direct conversation with me when she knows well and fucking good why i might be KIND OF UPSET RIGHT NOW - and it’s something she herself seems upset! - about is just like. gd. yeah. this isn’t news but this is such a clear and fucking. ice cold reminder that she has one child she will invest any amount of energy into and it is not me and it never will be. she has room in her heart to care about One Kid At A Time - which she has fucking all but TOLD ME to my face before - and it will never, ever be me.

“i know we’re ignoring you lately but your sister needs us and the squeaky wheel gets the grease” real thing my mom said to me when i was like, sixteen. fucking incredible. nothing ever changes does it.

like i know my sister was getting really close to the fucking bastard before he kicked it and is devastated about this but does anyone want to spare two fucking seconds to consider that my father fucking died too and just because im not SAD about it doesn’t mean im not dealing with some seriously upsetting and emotionally heavy shit. like perhaps the administration of my abuser’s estate - which he CUT ME OUT OF as directly as he could without writing a will to disown me in - isn’t something i should be forced to deal with and be retraumatized by because my sister, the precious baby of the family, is fucking sad. my mom said to my grandmother at some point about all this that “[gav] and [sister] didn’t get the same dad” and the fact that she is at least that aware of how this is impacting me and is still getting defensive of my sister when talking directly to me about how this is impacting ME is like. jesus jennifer.

they can just all go to hell and leave me the fuck alone.

[morvantmortuary]

Sorry to hear you've had a rough day. Sending you good vibes and virtual hugs 🖤🖤🖤

thank you for this, darling, I super appreciate you thinking of me 🥰

some of it was honestly funny in hindsight? like, the two campus buses I have to take to get to work somehow stretched my commute into an hour each way

…I live ten minutes from my office 🙃

then I sent this job listing I really liked to the director of our professionalization committee for this year, which I knew wasn’t my exact specialization but I have other circumstances that made me think it would work, only for the director to explain I would be a super duper long shot (if I was considered at all) bc they’re actually looking for an MFA student but they didn’t outright say it in the listing

did I mention I switched to applying for my phd five years ago even though I originally wanted an mfa, I somehow thought a phd would be more practical

so then I went looking through all the job app websites I’m signed up for, and while I found a lot of openings for other specializations (ukrainian lit, italian lit, pre-1000 bce), I found maybe one or two for what’s considered the most general application of what I do

and they were both for military academies :’D which I really, uh, don’t want to work at

so then I was like “okay, boot and rally, it’s gonna be fine, let’s just finally get the committee together” and sent out an email being like “hey guys we still haven’t decided on a date to meet and it’s like month 2 of the semester, how about [x day]” bc I’m feeling really unsteady about my dissertation and I’m under a lot of pressure from my dad to finish as soon as possible, so I’ve been trying to get ahold of them for weeks now it feels like

only for my new chair to immediately be like “nope sry”

so then I got home (an hour later) (I still only live ten minutes away) and realized that I think my best friend since I was little forgot to send me a birthday present when she usually always remembers

which she’s not obligated to do obviously, we’re both adults and she’s had some stuff going on, but between that and the fact that the two friends whom I supported through their dissertation/defense periods have just, like, left - one is on the other side of the world, one might as well be - I just got feeling very lonely :’D as much as I love all my friends in my phone, it’s just kind of hard sometimes in meatspace. no one else in my family has been to graduate school before (hell, I’m the second person in my immediate family to graduate from college and the first to not fail out temporarily in the process) and sometimes I feel weird talking to my non-grad irl friends bc they treat me like I’m still in college/don’t have a real job yet (they don’t mean to, it’s just how people think of grad school in the states), so. yeah.

…and then the scary possession movie I rented to feel better turned out to be a conservative religious propaganda movie in disguise, which was just the cherry on top

(that’s the last time I rent a movie without checking imdb first)

but then the next day was better: my committee chair swung by my desk himself (we work across the hall from one another) and hung out and talked me through some of my biggest worries for a bit (and even said he liked my chapter, which was amazing bc I was afraid it was hot garbage), and my boss was really nice and gave me some cake balls from the local bakery for a belated birthday present (I can’t eat them due to food allergies but the thought counts!!), and I actually drove myself to work instead of taking one of the buses, which shouldn’t be a big deal but is for me bc I hate driving anywhere after a bad accident I had a few years ago :’D then my committee members emailed me like “hey how about next week!!” and I was like “oh phew okay” and found out one of them hasn’t been avoiding me, he’s just on teaching leave for the semester lmao (he’d sent me comments first and I hadn’t seen him since, so I was like “omg was it that bad” even though his comments were fairly chill) so I guess my lesson for the week is that I just need to be patient and let things work out

…then this morning I woke up with a migraine :’D but it’s not the worst one I’ve had so far, so. it evens out I guess!!

anyway, sorry to hurgle all this at you after your super nice ask, it’s just been A Lot. if you read this far, you’re a saint and I love you 😂🖤

cheers to the rest of this week looking better!! hopefully!!! knock on wood!!!

[justauthoring]

Commissions Are OFFICIALLY Open

Hello, my name is Olivia and I’ve been on Tumblr for over five years. I have always written completely free content on here as it’s always been a hobby of mine that I’ve adored and loved doing as a way to keep my mind off of things.

However, now 21, I would love to be able to turn this hobby into something I can put more focus and attention to. I am currently trying to save up for University which I will be attending in this Fall and it would mean the absolute world to me if you all could help me out.

There will be three slots open for now and I will keep this post and my pinned post updated with however many or if any slots are open.

THREE SLOTS LEFT

It will be $10.00 per 1K words.

If you’d like to see examples of my works, you can find all my main masterlist HERE and my older pieces HERE.

You Can Request:

500 words ($5.00)

1,000 words ($10.00)

2,000 words ($20.00)

3,000 words ($30.00)

4,000 words ($40.00)

5,000 words ($50.00)

6,000 words ($60.00)

(Possible discussion of more is available)

I Will Write:

OC x Character

Character x Character

Self-Insert x Character

Fandoms I Will Write For Are:

Attack On Titan

My Hero Academia

Demon Slayer

Jujutsu Kaisen

Chainsaw Man

Naruto

Fairy Tail

Tokyo Revengers

Blue Lock

Haikyuu

Final Fantasy 7 Remake

Non-Anime:

Teen Wolf (Stiles Stilinski, Theo Raeken, Isaac Lahey)

Stranger Things (Steve Harrington)

Cobra Kai (Eli ‘Hawk’ Moskowitz, Miguel Diaz, Robby Keene)

What I will Write For:

Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Death, Angst, etc.

Specific Pronouns

SFW, NSFW, Smut, etc.

Dark Content (within reason)

What I Won’t Write For:

Illegal Ships (underage/adult, incest, ect.)

Certain Kinks (just ask)

All commission inquiries will be made through my email. Do not message me through Tumblr, I will not respond. Any questions and if you’d like to request, please reach me at oliviaanscc@gmail.com.

Half of the payment must be made first. Once received, then I will get started on a rough draft. When that’s done, I will send it to you to show proof of work, to make sure everything’s going the way you want and then you will send the rest of the payment. The piece will not be finished until the rest of the payment is received.

All payments will be made through PayPal (CAD$) or online banking E-Transfer (information will be provided upon request of commission).

When sending in a commission, you must answer these questions:

How many words do you want?

Is it SFW or NSFW?

Is it character x character or character x OC (reader)?

Any kinks, tropes, or specifics?

Fluff or Angst?

What fandom do you want?

What character or characters do you want?

(If you want a OC or self-insert) Description of OC or reader.

Once all of this is sent, I will reply with a estimate for price, what the first half payment will be and how long I expect it will take me. I will also send updates if you want along the way on how your piece is going, if it’ll take longer or less time then I estimated, ect.

Please understand that I am currently still working so there might be a bit of a wait for your piece. 

I also have the right to request or deny any request that I am not comfortable writing.

I can’t wait to see what you all send in :)

[saltiestcoconut]

aiyusa prompt: something involving ai wearing a maid dress <3 eg, link vrains cosplay event/working part time at a maid cafe/dressing up just for fun/etc

Thanks nonny for the prompt! It was super fun to write something I love maid outfits 😂

This was supposed to be edited and released a few days ago but bleh it be like that forgive me if some things seem a bit wonky I based everything off my memory of a video I watched a few weeks back and can't be bothered to rewatch

Everything aside I hope you enjoy~

"You should check your personal email," Ai suggested. While it wasn't unusual for Ai to backseat Yusaku's internet use, checking his email wasn't an activity Ai usually suggested. 

"Why? There's nothing there." 

"Just check it or I'll check for you." Ai threatened as he pointed at Yusaku’s computer screen.

Yusaku stared at Ai, a frown on his face as the two stared each other down. They both knew Ai wouldn't hesitate to take over the computer screen. 

"Fine, but I'm sending you to Kusanagi if I find out you've been messing around again."

Ai crossed his arms. "It all worked out in the end anyway. You were the hero you always wanted to be." 

Yusaku rolled his eyes but turned back to his computer as he ignored Ai. The sounds of typing and mouse clicking filled the room until Yusaku mused to himself, "Since when did I make reservations?" He glanced at Ai again, this time with a more baffled expression than a tense one. Ai whistled innocently as Yusaku opened the new mysterious email to read it in full. "Ai… I don't have time for a vacation." 

Ai placed his hands on his hips. "Yes, you do! Check the date, it's during summer vacation! You would officially be done with your first year of high school, you should celebrate with a nice vacation."

Yusaku looked sheepish. "Since I missed three months of school, I need to catch up…" 

"But the vacation is only three days long! It won't interfere with anything."

"But I don't have money…"

"Excuses! It's already paid for, just go!" 

"How?" 

Ai pushed his fingers together. "Don't worry about it. The money was obtained legally." And by legally, Ai meant that Akira Zaizen sent it willingly. After a few threats, a few Uno reverses, and a few promises, of course.

Yusaku's frown deepened, and his stare intensified, as if he was trying to see into Ai's past actions. Finally, his eyes slid back to the screen, and he relaxed. "I guess I'll take it. If anything happens in Link VRAINS— no, Duel Links, while I'm gone, we can just deal with it when I get back."

Ai waved a hand around. "Nothing's going to happen. The 'Action Duels!' event is still ongoing, Duel Links isn't going to change for at least another few days. Since you already finished the event, you have nothing to worry about."

"It's not about finishing the event, I need to figure out who— or what— runs Duel Links' events. If I can figure that out, then that would get me closer to figuring out Duel Links itself."

Ai leaned close to Yusaku, hands on his hips again. "You say all that, but I know you just wanted to have fun." 

"I—" 

"I'm your precious partner, you can't fool me! If you want to have fun, why don't you go on a vacation? Have you ever traveled outside of Den City?" 

Yusaku looked away and glared at the computer screen as if it could help him but refused to. "You're starting to sound like Zaizen or Kusanagi."

Ai jolted like a bolt of electricity ran through his head. "Don't compare me to those two…! Maybe you need an adult figure to constantly nag at you!" 

"Maybe," Yusaku said as he returned to the computer. 

Yusaku glanced at Ai as he deflated, head hung low and fingertips brushing the duel disk's surface. "Why are you so stubborn? Surely you can afford to relax a bit now?"

"I already said I would go."

Ai pumped his arms as he cheered. He would get Yusaku to have fun on their vacation, somehow.

#

Yusaku's arms were crossed the whole train ride. He had elected to sit at a window seat, duel disk pressing against the train’s wall that would make it difficult for Ai to pop out. However, even if Ai couldn't come out, he could still talk to him. 

"Are you still mad?" 

"Pissed." 

"But why? I don't see the big deal."

"You booked a love hotel! A love hotel! What the actual hell, Ai." 

Ai rolled his body as an attempt to roll his eyes. "I didn't take you to be such a macho man that you'd be embarrassed to be in a love hotel."

"It's not that! It's scandalous, Ai, only couples go there to… to you know…" Yusaku crossed his arms tighter around himself, too embarrassed to finish his thought.

"... Yusaku, are you a foreigner? Love hotels are cheaper, safer alternatives to regular hotels. I wasn't thinking of anything debaucherous when I booked the hotel." Admittedly, Ai did have something in mind, but Yusaku didn't have to know his plans until it was time to execute it. 

Yusaku still seemed upset, but he looked more pouty than angry, so Ai was confident he could still woo Yusaku. 

Once they arrived at the hotel, Yusaku was easily able to check in the hotel via the self-serve kiosk. Yusaku didn't know how draining travel would be until he finally stepped into his room. 

Yusaku half-heartedly inspected his room. A large window took up most of the right wall, a couch placed below the window. A long stand with several cabinets was pushed against the left wall, a large TV rested on its surface accompanied by a karaoke machine. The cabinets contained small vending machines that sold drinks and held the room's mini fridge and microwave. In front of the cabinets was a coffee table that was accessible from the couch pushed against the window. Next to the TV stand, a machine sat, one that Yusaku speculated to be a type of massage machine based on a wand with a ball embedded on the tip. 

On the opposite side of the room, the bed and two drawers occupied most of the room's space. One drawer had the room's phone and several catalogs on it while the other had a lamp. Another larger drawer occupied the space between the massage machine and the rest of the room. A massage chair occupied the space between the corner of the room and the window, which cycled back to the room entrance.

To the side of the entrance was a small hallway that led to the bathroom. One side was dedicated to sinks, with two sinks and a large mirror hung over both of them. Each sink was accompanied by toiletries appropriate for a man and a woman. The other side had separate rooms for the toilet and the bath, the bath taking up much more space due to its massive size. 

"Whoa! That bath might be big enough to comfortably accommodate my SOLtis form!" 

Yusaku jolted as if he had forgotten Ai was still around his wrist. "You don't have a SOLtis anymore," Yusaku said instead.

Yusaku eyed the bath in interest. He reached into the basin and plugged up the drain, then turned on the water to fill up the bath. 

"Oh! A bath! Good thinking, baths are so relaxing and so romantic, it's the perfect way to start off a vacation!" 

Unfortunately for Ai, Yusaku set him down at the television stand before gathering his pajamas and disappearing into the bathroom again. Ai couldn’t help but sigh in disappointment as he remembered a time where Yusaku would unabashedly change in front of him— even if at the time Yusaku didn’t believe Ai had sentience, and Ai wasn’t too serious about forming a relationship with his cold-hearted origin. Even if those days were long gone, Ai hoped one day Yusaku would bring him in the bath, and maybe if he asked nicely enough, that day would be some time during this vacation. 

For now, Ai activated the duel disk’s droid function, surprised Yusaku hadn’t removed that moderation yet. He successfully landed close enough to the room's phone, where several of the hotel's catalogs were also located. Ai casually flipped through the catalogs to decide what he should get Yusaku. 

Since Ai was small, ordering room service was a more difficult task than he anticipated, but he hoped it would be well worth the effort once he finally got all his requests in. Since Ai didn't have to satisfy any biological needs, all that was left for him to do was wait for Yusaku to finish his bath and hope he got out before the food got too cold. 

While both Yusaku and the hotel service took their precious time, Ai was able to remotely turn on the TV and entertain himself by watching a new soap opera he missed out on during his three month absence. Finally, after nearly half an hour of waiting, room service arrived, and he was able to execute his plan.

Ai picked this particular love hotel for a very specific reason— it was one of the first hotels to adopt a full SOLtis workforce for the sake of the anonymity love hotels are famous for. This allowed Ai to take over a SOLtis once the poor worker came close enough for Ai to transfer his data. With its own programming suppressed, Ai returned into the room while bringing in the things he ordered. 

Yusaku's katsu bowl dish went on the coffee table, and Ai swamped out the SOLtis' minimal uniform for the surprise he bought. By the time he finished his preparations, Yusaku had been in the bath long enough for Ai to think he fell asleep. 

Ai tapped two curled fingers against the bathroom door. "Yusaku? Are you dead?" 

The sound of water splashes after a short pause. "No." 

"Did Yusaku-chan fall asleep in the bath? How cute~"

"Be quiet." Water splashed around some more, then the faint sound of water draining. Ai moved away from the door but remained standing in the hallway.

Finally, Yusaku got out of the bathroom, towel casually slung over his shoulder and fully dressed in his pajamas. He quickly ran his eyes over Ai, Ai himself quickly jutting out his hips and lightly pressing one fingertip against his lips. 

On Ai's head was a headband with poofy white lace accompanied by two small black ribbons on either side of the headband. A detached collar rested on Ai's throat, held closed by an ascot that did nothing to hide the SOLtis diamond. The apron's frilly straps framed both sides of the detachable collar, the dress' puffy sleeves spilled from underneath the straps. Black bows were attached to the area where the apron's straps met the torso, a band made to resemble a small laced corset, giving way to the apron's protective covering. The dress had a sweetheart neckline, topped with white frills with a black ribbon along the center of the frilla. The dip of the neckline was adorned with a black bow. The dress was pulled tightly over Ai's body, as if the dress was a smaller size.

Ai's other hand lifted up the dress' skirt, showing off the ruffles hidden underneath. Underneath the skirt, Ai wore knee-high socks, the seams clamped tightly just above his knees adorned with white frills and black ribbons accompanied by a black bow. 

"Welcome back, master~" 

Yusaku stared at him. "Ai, no." 

"Why not?" Ai whined as Yusaku gently nudged Ai to the side so he could pass. 

Ai turned to face Yusaku's pointer finger standing tall and proud. "One, I'm not in the mood to play. I'm not used to traveling long distances, so I want to relax and try to get some sleep."

Ai deflated. He couldn't argue against Yusaku getting more sleep, and he knew it. 

A second finger went up. "Two, that SOLtis belongs to the hotel, please return it, I don't want you to get in trouble over something that can be avoided."

Ai crossed his arms, Yusaku was worried about him and he knew it. Still, he wanted to take advantage of at least some of the benefits of staying at a love hotel. 

Then Yusaku's ring finger. "Three, I don't want to be responsible for anything that might happen to that SOLtis, and that outfit."

Ai covered his mouth with a hand and giggled mischievously. "Oh? Am I imagining things, or is Yusaku-chan perverted now?" 

Yusaku's face turned from slightly annoyed to a cross between a pout and a frown. "I— no— you're the one who—"

Ai squealed and tugged Yusaku into a hug and peppered small kisses on his cheek. Ai now understood why humans were so obsessed over kisses, it was a gratifying way of expressing his love. "Don't worry about the dress, I bought it, but I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway. You have nothing to worry about." 

Yusaku waited until Ai was done rubbing their cheeks together and pulled away. "Then why the dress?" 

"Yusaku, you're perverted. Come, come," Ai said as he tugged on a baffled Yusaku and sat him on the room's couch. He dragged the room's table closer to Yusaku, the food ready to eat. 

"Oh, the food's cold," Ai pouted and opened the cabinets. "Where is the microwave…" 

"It's fine, I don't mind it cold." 

Ai turned his head. "Are you sure— NO! Stop!" 

Yusaku jolted and lowered the katsu piece he was about to eat. Ai launched himself to the couch with enough force to rattle it. "Ai! Calm down," Yusaku scolded, but Ai didn't listen as he plucked the chopsticks from Yusaku's hand. 

"Allow me to feed you, master. What kind of maid would I be if I couldn't even feed my master?" Ai asked as he pressed a curled finger against his lips and batted his eyelashes at Yusaku. His gesture was meant to be accompanied by shoujo sparkles and a rosy background with large iridescent bubbles, but the chopsticks still in his grasp might have ruined the image. 

Yusaku, however, in all his cold-hearted glory was immune. "This again? No, it's fine, I can feed myself."

"But I want to! Besides, you said you were tired, which means you're too tired to feed yourself." 

Yusaku's eyebrow furrowed as he stared at Ai. "That makes no sense. It's fine, Ai." A pause, then a sigh as he leaned back slightly. "Fine, you can feed me." 

Ai cheered and picked up the piece of katsu Yusaku abandoned earlier. "Say aa."

Yusaku did not say "aa," but he did eat the katsu when Ai brought it close to his mouth. He's pouting again, eyebrows locked in his signature frown. 

"Aww Yusaku-chan you look so cute when you're grumpy like that. How's the food?" 

"Alright. I've had better leftovers."

"I'll be sure to leave a one star review for you master." 

"You will not." 

"Yes master." 

Ai gradually fed Yusaku the bowl until Yusaku held up a hand. 

"Just one more bite, master, you're almost done." 

Yusaku ignored Ai's request and instead pulled at Ai's ascot, which easily came undone. He froze as Yusaku clenched the cloth strands together and tugged him to crush their lips together. 

Yusaku's fist was a heavy weight against Ai's throat, preventing an easy escape. Ai looped his arms around Yusaku so that his hands met at the base of his back. 

Even if they had kissed plenty of times, nothing could prepare him for the pleasure of being able to properly return those kisses. To feel Yusaku's lips pressed against his own, to cradle his head in his hand and entangle his fingers in his short hair. Ai slipped his tongue past Yusaku's lips and he let out a surprised hum. 

Yusaku placed his other hand on Ai's shoulder and pushed down his sleeve as he moved closer. Ai briefly thought about teasing Yusaku but decided against it as that would mean stopping the kiss to speak.

The kiss didn't last much longer as Yusaku pulled back and released his hold on Ai's clothes. "I'm going to sleep now. Return that SOLtis to the hotel already." 

Fans working on overdrive but still feeling heated, Ai stood with automatic stiff movements, embodying the robotic nature he was supposed to be. While Yusaku wandered off, Ai put away the leftovers and replaced his maid dress with the SOLtis' clothing, then relinquished control over the captured SOLtis, which returned to work without a fuss. 

#

On the journey back to Den City, Yusaku was in a much better mood as he leaned against the train wall, his duel disk arm slung over his abdomen.

This time, however, Ai was in a worse mood than he was at the start. "Well, that wasn't much of a vacation at all!"

Yusaku blinked down at him. "It was relaxing."

"We only went out for one day! And it wasn't even a full day either, I had to spend the first half of it begging!"

"But we went out." Yusaku frowned. "Didn't you have fun? I thought the local shrines were pretty." 

"You worked almost the entire time!" 

"At my own pace, with no outside interference." 

"No! You're supposed to go out and eat to your heart's content on vacations!"

"If that's your standard of a vacation, then it's not a very good one." 

Ai crossed his arms. "Your standard is even worse! You're not supposed to work on vacation!"

"It's a shame about that maid dress. What even happened to it?" 

Ai brightened immediately. "I put it with the rest of your clothes! I got it in your size so you can wear it whenever you want~" 

Yusaku made a slightly disturbed face. "I'm not wearing that." 

"Oh, which reminds me." Ai sunk into the duel disk and popped back out arms raised high, wearing a miniature version of the maid dress. "Tada! I made a small version of it for your viewing pleasure." 

Yusaku looked away with a bored expression. "Thanks."

"Hey! Pay more attention to me! I worked hard making this for you!" 

[tonguetiedraven]

Seeing that adult bonrin fanart sent me feral, can you possibly write something where Rin and Suguro grew apart a little after highschool, like they got busy with their own careers or something like that, and when they finally meet again after a while bc they collab on an exorcism or smth Rin just starts hitting on Suguro HARD.

The fantastic @marble-wolf helped me write this one <3 It's a little long, so only part of its going here but you can check the link at the bottom for the full story! We tweaked the prompts some but I hope it fits any way :)

(Also, you can check out my for here I am standing here loving you for more aged up bonrin stories)

— — — — — —

The mission report was handed to Ryuuji by Lightning, and the Arch Knight didn’t even pause to act like there was anything unusual in it, so when Ryuuji opened it up to peer at his newest assignment, he got a double shock.

The first was that he was leading a team on resealing Ix Chel, a goddess, so that she didn’t go on a bloody and destructive rampage.

He hadn’t led a mission against such a powerful demon before. And shouldn’t Osceola be handing this mission out? Why had Lightning—

Flipping the page to the list of his team members answered the question of why Lightning. The head of his defense was the one and only Rin Okumura.

Ryuuji stared at the picture for a moment, snickering a little at the wide-eyed shit! You’re snapping the picture now?! Sort of expression on Rin’s face, and felt a swell of emotions that were a tangle of too many things to possibly name.

Working with Rin Okumura on an actual mission. Not a text or a call or a group chat or an email or a note left in an office when they’d missed each other (again.) Not a picture from his ma saying “we missed you!” because everyone always went to her ryokan for their vacations and so she got to physically see his friends more often than he did.

An actual mission where they could catch a meal together and talk and do one of those back breaking hugs Rin always gave, and stay up way too late and get into a competition they absolutely shouldn’t because they were adults now, and just see each other.

Nirvana, he missed Rin. They talked but it wasn’t like school had been. They couldn’t just take a short jog across campus and crash in the other’s dorm and spend hours talking about everything and nothing or just sitting in silence together. Just being together, uncomplicated and right and peaceful and fun and hard and too many things to possibly ever describe, all of them vital and all of them something he’d wanted back and could only hope to find a way to get back someday. (He was so close to being able to settle down at Joukhai-ji and lead the Myodha from there. So close to having the resources they needed and being done with this endless travel and someplace different to spend every night.)

But he’d get to see Rin in a handful of days. They’d fight a goddess together. (Maybe finally get the promotion to Arch Knight. He had to beat Rin to that one. It was the final challenge before he tapped out. He had no interest in Paladin.)

He finished the report, buzzing a little with excitement and got up from his desk, snatching his phone up to type on his way to the library to start on his research for sealing the demon goddess. 

He typed the message up as he walked, sending it to Rin with a toothy smile he didn’t notice.

[Ryuuji: Get your new assignment yet?]

[Rin: Not yet 👀 why?]  

Ryuuji just smiled.

— — — — —

Rin stepped over the threshold into hot and humid misery which wasn't a surprise because even he knew that Cozumel was going to be hot. But that didn't stop it from being utter misery. 

The sky was cloudless, the air hot and the floor under his feet rolled gently with the gentle sound of ocean waves splashing against the sides. The yacht was obviously Mephisto's, with a pink floor and everything was sparkly and shiny which was painful to look at with the heaviness of the sun. The yacht pitched slightly, making a soft bumping noise and a rumble and Rin abruptly flinched at the realization that the yacht was most definitely alive and a demon. 

Rin squeaked an apology and ran off the yacht as quickly as he could, sighing in relief as his feet landed with a thump against the wooden bridge. The demon yacht had a figurehead of a rather Mephisto-like statue that nodded his way and tipped a solid gold hat before beginning to move. 

Rin caught a glimpse of horribly long fangs sticking out of the water and sharp fins on the sides and forced himself to look away. No. He learned long ago to not question Mephisto and his entourage of demons. 

Rin didn't let the weather or his weird arrival get him down though, because he was going on a mission with Ryuuji Suguro for the first time since they graduated and that knowledge made it easy to push past all that and start off down the bridge, searching hopefully for a familiar face. 

When he had been given the mission, he had been skeptical at first. They somehow hadn't gotten a mission together since they graduated and he had wondered "why now" but then he decided he didn't care about that and he was excited to see the Aria after years apart. 

And just thinking about the man made his cheeks go red, but he could play it off as the heat. And even without that, the heat was way too much anyway and he paused, setting his duffle bag down with a thud and scrambled to remove his coat. (Why did no one tell him to change? At least Yukio who has seen him off, should have said something.) 

The heavy black wool coat was off, leaving behind just a sleeveless shirt that he wanted to shed as well and he made up for the lack of uniform by keeping the True Cross emblem on his necklace with his keys. (He should have found something like what Osceola wears.)

Rin moved to continue his quest to find Suguro and made it another couple feet (why was the bridge so long?), his thought on Suguro and seeing him again but then he was seeing the shine of the sun on the water. He rarely got a mission on an island like this and he wanted to see if the water was nice. 

(Nice enough to maybe swim in with Suguro but he wouldn't admit that outloud.)  

It took Ryuuji all of a second to spot Rin. The halfling had never blended in when they were younger, and he still wasn’t blending in now. 

He’d gotten a bit taller since Ryuuji had last seen him. Broader too. Handsome as always, but he’d grown into the wild looks. He was in the standard True Cross Unifor, and either no one had bothered to tell him there was a hot weather version, or he’d forgotten to bring it. The boy was already covered in sweat, flushed from heat, and hanging over the edge of the bridge like he wanted to flop into the water. 

(Ryuuji had no doubts he did. Rin was always the first into the ocean.) 

“Oi, Rin!” Ryuuji called, drawing Rin’s attention before tossing a bottle of sunscreen at him. “Put that on. We gotta get you changed into the other uniform before you pass out. It’s hot and bright here.” Not that the bright would bother them too much. They were here for a moon goddess after all.

His own shirt was long sleeved to help fight the sun (and bugs), loose, fast drying, light enough that he barely felt it, and with a few vents he’d already opened up. He had a hat to block some of the sun, but he’d also left his hair loose to block some of his neck. The cargo style pants had enough pockets to make up for the lost coat. 

His sunglasses didn’t do anything to block the first real sight of Rin, and it had his heart squeezing. It really was Rin. A couple of years hadn’t changed those eyes, and Ryuuji would know them anywhere.

The water was every bit as cool as Rin had hoped and it felt great but then Rin's name was being called and then he couldn't breathe. Suguro was talking to him, tossing something at him that bounced off Rin's hip and landed at his crouched feet and Rin couldn't hear a word he said, just heard the low familiar voice that had somehow gotten deeper as he blatantly stared. 

His eyes looked Suguro up and down, appreciating the proper clothes he wore and the fact that the shirt was blowing in the soft breeze and showing off Suguro's muscled arms. Suguro's eyes were hidden by the sunglasses and his hair, partially hidden by his hat, was a longer version of his high school undercut that Rin immediately wanted to touch. 

Suguro had gotten taller and he was standing more confidently, as if he had settled into his role and enjoyed it. 

"Suguro!" Rin cried, scrambling to stand and he bounded forward to tackle his old friend in a squeezing hug, lifting him off the ground a little with Rin's delight.  

“Woah!” Ryuuji yelped, and then broke into a laugh as his arms wrapped around Rin. Still just as much of a monkey as he had always been.  (And just as dizzyingly strong.)

He hugged him back, not caring that he was already a sweaty mess (it was hot as hell here and everything was a sweaty mess) and just stayed there for a moment, registering some of the differences and feeling like he was stepping back into a dusty old dorm as Rin’s scent of campfire smoke and something a little spicy filled his lungs. It had him holding tighter for just a moment, and then swallowing a bit too thickly and letting Rin go, settling back on his feet and giving Rin’s arm a light punch.

“Didn’t anyone tell ya it was gonna be hot? You’re dressed like this is another arctic mission.”

"I didn't think it was gonna be this hot! But Yukio watched me leave, so it's his fault." Rin returned the punch and leaned back to look Suguro up and down. 

"You're looking great!" Rin exclaimed, moving to pick up his duffle bag, discarded coat and sunscreen. "Mature. Hot."  

“Probably not as bad as you,” Ryuuji said, moving to help with the luggage. “I actually realized we were going to a sub tropical place and planned.” He gave his head a fond shake. “Was that all you brought? I got some spare stuff you can wear, but it’s gonna be baggy on you. Even if you have grown.”

He paused, tilting his head and taking in the difference. He didn’t have to look down quite so much. “When did you get taller?”

Rin gasped and jabbed Suguro with his finger. "I did know! I just didn't expect it to be so tropically."

He stood straighter, beaming. "I don't know when it happened but I think I'd look great in your clothes." (He had brought other clothes. Just not exorcist clothes.)  

“Probably feel great too.” Ryuuji motioned towards the other side of the dock. “The hotel we got is over there. The air condition isn’t great ‘cause True Cross is still cheap as hell, but it’s better than that shithole dorm was.” 

Didn’t expect it to be so tropically. Rin was an utter nut and Ryuuji was so happy to see him. 

“Did you actually read the report?” He asked, lifting one of the supply bags and leading the way, tempted to snag one of the handles of Rin’s duffle bag to keep him from getting distracted and wandering away. “Know what we’re doing here?”

(Aside from hopefully catching up with more than typed messages.)

"Yuck, so a shit hotel and hot as hell." Rin grumbled before answering Suguro's question. 

"We're here for the Itchy god demon." Rin told Suguro. He had read the report but only understood a part of it. 

"Oh! Look at the bird! It's green!" Rin gasped and turned completely around to watch the bird fly.  

Ryuuji gave into his earlier urge and snagged one of the handles on Rin’s bag. He’d lose him otherwise. Then he let his gaze follow Rin’s to see what had caught his attention. 

“Parrot,” he supplied, grinning himself. It was a beautiful bird.  He’d never seen one outside of a cage. 

(A benefit of hanging with Rin that he used to see as an annoyance. Rin always saw and got distracted by the things Ryuuji didn’t see.)

Satisfied with that answer, Rin turned back to get to the hotel. If nothing else, he hoped it had cold water. 

"But yeah! We're going to hang out and then we're going to catch Itchy and…" he paused and looked over at his old friend. "Seal? Exorcize?" 

Rin was enjoying how they had fallen into their old roles but it was different now. Easier and something was softer, and Rin was sure it was from the years they had spent apart. (And Rin needed to not fall victim to the urge to flirt continuously. His earlier efforts had been… Well, Bon seemed oblivious to them.)  

“Seal. There isn’t a known exorcism method and she’s a lot to try and kill. We’re gonna try and put her back to sleep. Apparently it was last done around five hundred years ago.” He gave Rin a teasing grin. “Which you would know if you had read the report.” 

Looking back ahead, he led Rin towards the beach path to their motel. It was away from the bigger tourist spot, which was probably just as well. 

Confident Rin had his footing, he let himself give Rin a poke. “You’re still skipping out on homework.” 

"I read it! Skimmed but I still read it!" Rin corrected, swatting away Suguro's hand and his fingers brushed the prayer beads on Suguro's wrist. 

"Some things never change! That means you will be writing the reports." Rin said. 

Ryuuji looked ahead, feeling his cheeks go a little warm at Rin’s fingers on his wrist. (Stupid reaction to have over what could barely even be called a brush.)

“Guess that means your chicken scratch hasn’t changed either?” 

Rin was getting sweatier by the second. Ryuuji was actually starting to worry about that. Rin really wasn’t equipped for this kind of weather.

Ryuuji pulled his sun hat off and plopped it down on Rin’s head. The wide brim blocked some of the sun from hitting his shoulders as well as shading his face and neck. It also was too big for his head and sank down a little, drawing another laugh from Ryuuji. 

Rin looked up at Suguro with a grin, making the hat sit crooked. "Thanks Suguro! This will help! I was tempted to just start taking stuff off." 

It was so gross under his shirt and he hated the sticky humidity. 

"My writing has gotten better!" Rin told him before humming as he thought over the mission. "Five hundred years… so we're going to kick her ass and make her take a longer nap!"  

“She’s a goddess of destruction. We’re gonna try and keep her asleep and get everything done before she wakes up properly.” 

Ryuuji started up the steps to their hotel and pulled the door open. A weak puff of cooler air washed over them as he did, and he motioned for Rin to go inside, closing the door behind them and waving off the desk staff because he already had Rin’s key. 

“We don’t know what all she controls on this island. The exorcists from five hundred years didn’t really take good notes. We know she’s powerful and that they felt the effects of whatever she was doing on the mainland.” 

The elevator wasn’t working, so it was the stairs. “We’re on the third floor, by the way.”

Rin nodded and walked towards the stairs, already mourning his cool apartment. "On the bright side, the exorcists in the future will have your notes and you do take good notes!" 

Rin took off the hat and put it back on Suguro's head, following it up with a bump of his tail against Suguro's side. 

"And I would complain about this hotel to Mephisto but then he'd put us somewhere worse next time!"  

“A tent.” Ryuuji decided, and found himself falling into memories again. He hadn’t gotten bumped or tickled or poked or whacked by Rin’s tail in years. It was weird how much he immediately adjusted his weight to anticipate the sway from the poke. 

Honestly, they’d probably end up in a tent before the end. Ryuuji had a twelve hour aria he was going to have to perform with only a few drinking breaks. He might not have a voice at the end of this.

“This is you.” Ryuuji stuck the key in the door and unlocked it, shoving the door open and sweeping his arm in a ‘tada’ motion. 

It wasn’t anything to write home about, but it was much cleaner than Ryuuji had anticipated. 

He motioned to the room across from Rin’s. “I’m there, and I will be getting you up in the morning.” 

"Awe, you didn't get us one room?! No sleepovers?" Rin teased. "I wouldn't mind sleeping with you." 

The words were out before he had time to think them over (never did anyway) and it made him bark a laugh.  

“Yeah?” Ryuuji asked, dropping one of the bags on the bed. “‘Cause I get up at four-thirty now.” He gave Rin a wink, trying not to think of sharing a room with Rin. (A bed with Rin. Rin who knew Ryuuji’s preferences on that sort of thing. One of the few people who did.)

“A.M.” He added, just so it was clear. High school Rin had slept in until noon when he could get away with it, and Ryuuji rarely got a text before ten in whatever time zone Rin was in at the time. He was pretty sure Rin would try and burn him if he got up and did things at four-thirty in the morning and woke Rin up.

Rin scrunched his nose and rolled his eyes. He leaned against the doorframe, dropping his duffel bag in the room with a careless toss. "Why would you do that? Shouldn't you be sleeping later with this mission anyway? All that moon stuff? Princesses need their beauty sleep. Not that you need it."  

Ryuuji shrugged. “I like mornings.” 

And what did Rin mean by that? That he didn’t need the sleep? Was he saying that it wouldn’t help or that he didn’t need it? 

He was blushing a little more. “Hang on a sec and I’ll get ya some stuff to change into that won’t make you melt.” He set the key down on Rin’s dresser and moved to his own room, opening it up and going to his suitcase, pulling out one of the spare uniforms, an extra hat, a spray bottle, and some bug spray. He came back to the room and set it all on Rin’s bed.

“They’ve got a ‘conference’ room downstairs we’re gonna meet in. It’s not a conference room, but it’ll work?” He paused, not quite wanting to leave, but not wanting to overstay his welcome. “Still like strawberry tea?”

Rin sighed in relief at the lighter uniform and immediately began shedding his thicker one. "Yeah, still like to drown yourself in green tea?" 

He tossed his clothes on top of his duffle bag and delayed putting on the other uniform, not wanting anything on when it was so goddamn hot.  

Ryuuji tried not to look, but there was a lot to look at. And he had always found Rin attractive as hell and time had been kind to him. It wasn’t quite fair that he’d filled out in all the right places and —

“Is that a tattoo?”

When had Rin gotten that?

Rin gave a gasp and whipped around to fully face Suguro. 

"Oh yeah! I haven't gotten to show you!" Rin trotted over, and showed off the reddish orange tiger on his chest. It stretched down to just below his belly button, the twin tails curled and the back angle of the tiger showed off the intricate design of the stripes. The tiger's face was turned to the side, a fierce snarl on it's face and it's eyes a vibrant shade of blue. 

"Pretty cool, huh?" Rin proudly asked.  

Ryuuji stared (and tried to do so respectfully) and was fairly certain he was nodding. It was a fantastically done piece of ink, and the details were intricate and the double tails were an obvious nod to Kuro (and the tiger itself had him remembering too many things and Nirvana, he was going to just be stuck in memories this entire week.)

His hand had moved when he wasn’t paying attention to it to hover over the eyes. “Cool,” he agreed, “Same color eyes as yours,” he said, and dropped his hands back to hang against his side. 

Meeting Rin’s eyes, he gave him a smile. “That’s a summoning tattoo? That where Kurikara is?” He’d noticed the bag missing, and if it was, that was a relief. Ryuuji had stressed about that sword. Rin always seemed a fraction of a second from losing it from that old bag.)

"Yeah! I should've gotten it in school. It's handy!" Rin said, tracing a hand down the tiger's back before he beckoned to the bed. "Wanna sit down? It's been way too long."  

Ryuuji was too old to be blushing like this.

“Sure,” Ryuuji said, still staring at Rin’s very bare chest before lifting his eyes towards the boring ceiling. He was not going to stare. He was not. 

Sitting down on the bed, he took the hat off, setting his glasses and the spare key down in it and turning a little to face Rin. (And it had to be an attention drawing bright orange reddish tiger.)

Rin got the pants on, tugging them up and laughing a little at the looser waistband. He looked over at Suguro as the hat came off and he grinned, reaching over to satisfy his curiosity and flicked the longer and wavy, nearly curly hair. It was as soft as it looked, a little frizzy from the humidity and the hat. 

"I like your hair! You look so cool!"  

Ryuuji grinned, feeling a bit embarrassed about his hat hair, but mostly trying not to stare at Rin’s chest and shoulders that were now way too close.

“Gotta keep up with you—” And he cut himself off before the tiger could escape him. That was probably too much. 

“Besides, it’s easier to manage. Kinda curling like my ma’s.” He brushed some out of his eyes and shifted on the slightly lumpy bed. “Probably gonna regret the length here.” 

Pushing that aside, he fixed his gaze on Rin’s face, taking in the freckles and frowning at something else. 

“Hey,” he brushed his fingers over a scar on Rin’s cheek. “When’d ya get this?” And why hadn’t he been told? He’d told Rin about his new scars. (Not that he had a lot. Just a few close calls he didn’t want Rin hearing about from any of the other people they knew.)

Rin's hand lifted to cover Suguro's fingers and the scar. He could see the concern on his face and Rin tilted his face so Suguro could peer at the scar if he wanted to. He could feel a flicker of shyness at the soft tone Suguro was using and the gentle touch.

"'Bout a year ago. Just a fast demon, was all. Nothing bad." Rin comforted, and his hand was still covering Suguro's fingers but he didn't want to move yet. "I missed having my favorite mother rooster to fix 'em up though."  

“It’d be a mother hen,” Ryuuji corrected, even though he’d been a rooster since he’d met Rin. He couldn’t decide if he believed that it was just a fast demon or not. Whoever had tended to it hadn’t done a good job if it had been. It frustrated him that he hadn’t gotten the chance to help. It wouldn’t have scarred.

He brushed his thumb over the spot again, met Rin’s eyes, realized that was a bit of a mistake with how close Rin was, and let his hand fall.

He smiled, and tried to ignore how it didn’t quite feel right. It was a little too soft. “I’ll make sure you don’t get any here.”

But it wasn’t going to be that long of a mission. A week and then Rin would be running off somewhere else and getting hits and doctors would be doing shitty jobs on him. (And he was willing to be Yukio chewed whoever did that shitty job out.)

Rin lifted his hand to brush back Suguro's hair, humming, "rooster." 

"And I'll make sure you don't get any either!" Rin returned, "I'll keep ya safe!" 

Satisfied, he turned back to throw the rest of the uniform on with a groan. "I'd rather go in my underwear everywhere. Still hot." 

But not deadly hot like the goddamn coat. 

"Know what? I bet I know why Yukio didn't correct me." Rin realized abruptly. He snapped his fingers and felt the urge to go bitch at his brother. "I… may have picked up a demon on my last mission. And I asked him to take care of her while I'm gone. She's just a Kotobuki! Harmless!"  

“Harmless?” Ryuuji cackled. “You’re lucky he didn’t threaten to shoot you. Tell me it’s at your place.”

Apparently Rin picking up strays was never going to change. 

“And keep that on. The uv rays here will get ya and I don’t know if your regenerative stuff will help against that kind of damage. If you go around with out anything, you’ll need to be putting sunscreen on every five minutes.” 

"She is at my place but she gets lonely and Kuro doesn't like her much. She's… different." 

That was putting it lightly. Rin flapped his shirt, scrunching his nose at Suguro. "This is going to suck, isn't it?" Then he continued before Suguro could answer. "But I mean… we could go swimming."  

“It’s the year of the rabbit. Kuro probably knows she’s going to get wild.” 

Ryuuji reached up and started to pull his hair back into a pony tail, stretching his arms a little as he gathered most of it up. There were a few strands that fell around to frame his face no matter what he did. 

“Yeah, it’s gonna suck, but most of the real work should be at night. She’s a moon goddess after all.” His nose wrinkled. “A bit of a weird one. Destruction, death, weaving, childbirth,” then with a blush because he was still on Rin’s bed, “physical love.” He shrugged. “No telling how she’ll respond if she wakes up.”

It was a lot of responsibility for his first entirely solo leading experience. This was a far cry from his usual job of following Lightning and cleaning up whatever messes were made.

Rin paused in his clothes fussing (it was quite large on him but he liked it… it smelled like Suguro. Suguro was talking about a god with physical love in their domain. That could be a problem.) "Oh. But aren't these— what is she, Mayan?— gods all complicated like that?" 

Any demon that was considered a god was a lot harder than the typical demon. (Rin did not let himself slip into the past as a certain demon declared himself god.) 

"Destruction, death, fucking, birth and… while she does all that she weaves?" Rin laughed a little, unable to come up with a better response.  

“Yep. Or fucks with weavers—not in that way. Maybe she gets frustrated with it and goes off on a rampage.”

Ryuuji exhaled tiredly. “Ready for the debrief? We’ll have a couple of hours free after that, if you want to, uh, get dinner.” 

Rin groaned and threw himself on the bed next to Suguro before sitting up with a grumble. "Lumpy bed… yeah, I guess we can get that over with." 

"Then, we can absolutely get dinner."  

Find the rest of the fic here! (Rated T)

[pbandjesse]

I just finished up my ceramics class. And it was a lot of fun! I did cut myself on some glaze almost as soon as I got there and the blood was welling up very badly from my one finger but I put a Band-Aid on and I was okay.

Today was a lot of fun honestly. Kind of like a low low key day. But not a bad one. I did get stuff done even if it wasn't a ton of things. It was a nice time.

I slept all right last night. But I woke up very cold and had trouble falling back asleep because I was so cold. And then when I woke up at 7:15 I went and got washed up and dressed and I really liked my outfit today and I was perfectly cozy. Wearing a long sleeve shirt under this jumpsuit I think is going to be a staple this year. And I really love this fleece because it's so long. I can wear it basically like a dress.

James had packed me a very good snack and breakfast and lunch. And they collected all the trash before we were leaving the house. I will go down first because they said they needed a minute but then I realized I forgot all my rings upstairs so I backtracked and we got to leave together still.

We talk outside for a minute before they left and got a smooch which was very nice. And then I drove into work. And it was a fine drive. Nothing exciting happened. It is always interesting to see which exit is going to be the one where everybody else is and then all of a sudden I'm alone. And I have a pretty quiet drive to camp.

It was already very cold when I left the house today but it was like 15° colder at camp. It was 21° this morning. Crazy. Thankfully I had worn my fluffy boots and my layers kept me nice and toasty for most of the day.

Honestly at times I was too warm. But for the majority I was the perfect temperature.

No one came to work for a very long time. I felt like I was alone for so long. I got there at 8:00 and would have my breakfast while I worked on finishing up a couple things inside of the schedule that needed to be fixed. But mostly it was just some finishing work. It's not totally done and I still have everyone else to look over it before I can say that it is ready for next summer. But I'm really pleased with the progress and I fel t com to share it with everybody else.

I would also work on some feeding tonight. These are actually probably going to be Christmas gifts but it's also practice for teaching the TVs how to do feeding next summer. And some practice for different directions so that I can have a better handle on showing some adults how to do it. I'm just doing random rainbows right now but I would like to do some actual imagery. And in the coming weeks I hope to practice that.

But work on that for a lot of today. When I wasn't poking around on my schedule or thinking about programming stuff. And I was just having a nice time chilling in the office. It was warm in there and I sex and was watching a video and it was really good.

Sarah would come in a little before 10:00 and she was the first one but pretty quickly after that other people started to come in. Elizabeth and Alexi. Heather stayed home today to work on something there. And then after talking with Sarah and Elizabeth we kind of made a plan for what we would do for the rest of the day.

Elizabeth is in the middle of moving and she would leave early so that she could go work on packing. Not as early as she had planned because she got distracted by talking to us. But in the meantime she had a couple emails to send and a couple things to get ready for tomorrow's field trip. Me and Sarah were going to go set up the lodge for our group and do a couple odds and ends around camp. Alexi had a tour with a day camp not too far from here and they would come and we would all have a very long discussion with them and they were really cool. Really interested in the way that we do camp and also we were really interested in the way they do camp. I'm glad that we can have these interesting collaborations of ideas. And they seem like really chill guys.

Me and Sarah would head over to the lodge and set up all the tables. It's pretty big group so we're having all 13 tables set up but we would be pretty efficient so it didn't take too long. And then we walked back towards the office and I peeled off to go to the art building.

I have a bunch of stuff I should be putting away but I just don't want to It's too cold. So I set out some paper on the table for tomorrow and put a couple things to the side and then I grabbed the wooden box that I hope to use for the market that I found. And carry that down to the car.

When I got back down to the office I continued my bead work. I would stop and have a discussion with Alexi for a bit about the tour that she just had and some ideas for stuff that I can work on. I think she's worried that I'm going to be upset that they don't use my designs in the first draft. They can tell me to change things in a million times I literally do not care. I'm having fun designing them but I'm not going to be heartbroken if we need to change something. Not a big deal at all. And it was just a funny conversation because I think she was worried about hurting my feelings and I'm like you are not hurting my feelings that is fine. They're all living documents and we can continue to change them.

Around 2:00 I went for a walk and went down to the Glen to work on my bug snug. And I got the structure and I'm starting to fill it but there's not enough dry leaves around the Glen. Everything is too wet. So I think tomorrow I'm going to get a bag and fill it with leaves from somewhere else and bring them over. I would also like to get some more like smaller sticks and grasses but for now at least I have something done and I work on that for about an hour. Just kind of traipsing through the woods and looking for loose sticks and trying not to disturb too many covered areas so that the bugs and things that are overwintering there already are disturbed. I did find some snail eggs which was neat and just listen to music and had a nice time.

Speaking of music Spotify rap came out today and mine made me laugh because it was very expected. But it was also just Very funny to hear about everybody else's. Me and James's were pretty similar in taste. Justice was a little bit different and more poppy. Elizabeth was ruined by listening to sleep soundtracks. And Sarah's was way more Taylor Swift than I was expecting. But I really love Spotify rap and it was really cool to see what you listen to all year and get that little trailer that they make for you. It makes you feel seen and that's really nice.

for the last hour or so of work I just worked on my beating and worked on blanket stitching the edges of my little ornaments. I'm hoping to make a bunch. I plan is to get some more felt from home tonight so I'll have it tomorrow so I can work on it. But it's not a rush. It's still November. And it's also today my mom's birthday! Speaking of the end of November.

I love my mom so much and I wanted to make sure that I said happy birthday to her as soon as I get to work so I wouldn't forget. I took a picture of her birthday page in my birthday book and have been thinking about her all day and I hope that she had a good birthday. I love her very very much. She's a great mom. The reviews are in and she got 100% on the mom raring score.

A little after 4:00 I got an email about the house that we put an offer in on. It was impending sale and it was not for the price that we had offered. So I could kind of assume we didn't get it. So I texted James and asked them to reach out to our realtor. And I'm not going to lie and say that I was in the best mind space. I was a little angry because I felt like we have been doing a lot of the work of trying to find places and I thought maybe he didn't get our offer in on time or something. But it turns out we were in the top two of the five offers that were put in on the house. And the reason that the other person succeeded in getting the house was because they agreed to buy the house without any inspections. That is so incredibly foolish. Like I get it because the market is crazy and everyone just is trying to get in and we probably would have bought the house no matter what the inspection would have said but it just sucks. And I'm not going to say I'm not upset about it. I'm sad. I kind of done the same thing I did with the last house you put an offer on and built it up in my head and how we would decorated and where things would go and I just love the second floor of that house so much. So I'm sad but we're going to look at other places and it will be okay. It's just not the right one right now. And honestly there was a lot of water issues in that house that we probably were not prepared to deal with and so we move on and that's all there is to it.

As the sun went down I was sitting and talking with Alexi and Sarah would say she was going to go get dinner before our class. Alexi told me that she went to school for advertising which I did not know. I knew she went to the law school so I just assumed she was pre-law but no she went to school for advertising and that's like that's really cool. And then I wrapped up what I was doing and headed out.

I went to 7-Eleven and got pizza and a donut. I would eat one piece of pizza before my class and one pizza pizza after my class and I think that was a good call because I never felt too exhausted. And I got to class around 5:30.

I do not enjoy the drive in the dark. It is too windy and too many chances for deers and the speed limit changes up and down or 25 to 55 and it's very bad and I don't enjoy it. But I got there safely and when I parked my car Sarah was there. But she said she was going to sit in her car for a while and eat before she came in.

So I went in without her and got to work looking for my finished pieces. I had a couple glazed pieces and a couple that needed to be glazed. Have a good little rotation of stuff. When I found my glazed pieces I had to pop one off that was stuck on a tile and I cut myself on the very sharp glass. And it bled a lot. But it was fine. And I'm really excited about some of my pieces and how I'm going to use them for gifts this year. What I'm going to keep. I have decided that I don't think we'll throwing is for me. I'm much prefer hand building and sculpting and stuff but I'm glad that I did it. And so today I decided that I wasn't going to throw anything I was just going to play with the clay.

And some of that was waxing the bottoms of pieces that are going to get glazed next week and some of that was trimming my bare pots from last week. Which I love and I think are so cool. And then I had some time and I decided at 7:00 I would spend the second half of class working on the rest of my clay because the idea was that today is the last day that you can make wet stuff. But then we decided as a group that we're going to bring in a bunch of cookie cutters for next week and we're going to use any of our leftover clay and we're going to make cookie cutter ornaments. I am so excited about making these ornaments. So I put a bunch of clay to the side and then I just used a couple good size balls and I made some interesting shaped pinch pots and two candle holders and I was just having a great time just making silly stuff.

I also just really enjoyed the conversations tonight. I had my voice back so that was nice. Chloe and I believe the other man's name is Chris, we're not there tonight because I'm assuming they were sick. But Sandy was back and she's really sweet and I always enjoy talking to Sarah and Lindsey. So we had some very interesting conversations talking about authors that we enjoy and books and shows art and different projects that we could do and it was just a really really nice time. I just felt like I had a little community tonight and it was really good.

I would finish up my last little piece of clay and made a very silly cat pot. Or bowl maybe. I'm not sure. But it was a lot of fun making it. And then I cleaned everything up and decided it was time to go.

I headed back out into the very cold world. And I'm almost home now. I am still a little sad about the house. But we're hoping that we can go see something else this weekend and keep moving forward. I'm excited to go see my husband and wash my hair and go to sleep. Tomorrow we have a field trip and it's going to be a pretty quick one only being about 2 hours. And then I hope to work on my behind bug snug and who knows what else the day will hold. But I hope it is a good one. Good night everybody. Until next time.

[wolfanddragon98]

Guys I just got a letter from myself in my inbox. XD

Basically 6 years ago I wrote a letter to my future self and now that it arrived I am for a lack of a better word DYING as I am reading it. Here’s my favourite lines. 

I hope that wherever you're working is not too bad and you're actually enjoying it.

Me: I mean...I work at school so it’s pretty challenging at times. The students are...a lot to handle sometimes. There’s good days and bad days. But the staff is really nice. And they pay REALLY well. So I can’t complain. 

What about love life? GIRL please tell me that you're not SINGLE!!!!

Me: *laughs in single*

If you're still single......

*shakes head and gives a judgemental look*

Girl..... WHY????!!!!!!!!

Me: Okay, calm down. Like damn, why are you pressed about this?

After you've finished reading this email call a close friend and plan a night out tomorrow! That’s an order!

Me: Girl, that’s cute and all, but I have a job now. You should have given me a heads up. Sorry, not sorry. That’s how adulting works. 

What about home living situation? Are you living by yourself? If so... YAAAASSSS QUEEN! ♕ 🔥 If you're living with someone... I hope it's a nice someone if you know what I'm saying ;)

Me: Damn! Like, why was I so thirsty?

Do you have a driver’s license? My (and your) past self is scared of sitting behind the wheel so I'll admit that I'm going to be quite surprised to hear from you that you can drive.

Me: Nope. I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m not planning on having one. *shrugs*

I just want to wish you all the best! I hope that you're healthy, surrounded by people you love and in general you love what you're doing with your life. I'm sending you massive hugs and kisses your way! Stay positive and hold your head high, because you're amazing and hopefully proud of yourself.

Me: Okay, the last paragraph is pretty cute.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Unlikely Places - Chapter 16 - Part 2

*Warning - Adult Content*

Chapter: 16 - One Track Mind

"If you don't want to, just say it, Jackson. I'm a big boy and it won't affect your job."

I floundered at the assumption he was making.

If he had just given me a chance to explain I would.

I open my mouth to try again but the sudden click and the deafening muffled silence that resulted told me had had disengaged our call.

Surprised by the unexpectedness of the call and the speed with which it had taken place, not to mention what had happened in between baffled me.

It frustrated me a bit as well.

Pierce hadn't given me a chance to talk.

His automatic inclination to jump to erroneous conclusions puzzled me even more?

It made me a bit angry, too.

Pierce was complex.

I didn't know if that quality would end up being a good thing or bad.

Right now, at this moment, I had no choice but to admit it wasn't pointing in his favor.

Even if he had baggage from his past that affected him now, I knew I couldn't continue to take the brunt of that person's wrong doings.

Pierce may be changed by what happened to him but I couldn't allow myself to be punished for the other person's sins.

I hoped Pierce figured things out soon.

My stomach sank at the thought that he might never be able to.

It had taken me twenty-six years to feel even a spark of interest in someone.

To me, Pierce wasn't just someone.

I knew not just anyone would do.

I thought back to yesterday and that tidal wave of feelings I had experienced by spending time with him.

I wanted to hold onto that a little longer.

I hoped Pierce could find a way inside himself to let me.

My computer monitor flashed an incoming email down in the bottom right corner of my screen.

I immediately caught sight of Mr. Johnston's email address.

I moved my mouse and clicked.

[Jackson, due to time sensitive issues, management has moved the deadline for project D2114-20 up to Tuesday 11:00 a.m.]

I frowned at the message.

It was simply impossible.

I immediately replied back feeling my stomach lurch.

My instinct was to always meet a deadline regardless of how impossible it seemed but this weekend made it impossible.

Archer and Percy's wedding had to be my priority.

Knowing I was doing the only thing I could, didn't make sending the email any easier.

I began to type.

[I cannot promise to have the complete project finished by this new deadline. I will gladly strive for Thursday at the same time, considering the previous allocated deadline was for the following Monday. This newest deadline simply does not give me enough time to assure complete accuracy or the thoroughness this information requires.]

I hit send and started drumming my thumb nervously on my desk.

I knew if we didn't get this resolved in the next couple of emails, I would have to call Mr. Johnstone and explain the situation.

I hoped it didn't come to that.

I wasn't the rebellious type.

Saying no was not easy.

Doing it by email had already been difficult.

Verbally, I knew would be tougher.

Ten minutes later I received a reply.

[Please clarify why you are unable to meet the new deadline.]

I frowned.

Hadn't I already explained?

I reread the previous emails.

I shrugged and began to type.

[My best friend is getting married this weekend. I am not only in the 'Wedding Party' but have other duties. I will be busy all-day Friday and Saturday and part of Sunday. I absolutely cannot cancel any of these plans. I will be able to give my attention back to the project once my 'best-man' wedding duties have been fulfilled.]

I quickly clicked send and then bent down to rub at Cicero who was still lazily sleeping at my feet.

Petting his sleek short coat, I let the soothing repetitive motion calm my unease.

He opened his soulful liquid brown eye and peaked up at me.

I blew him a kiss.

He blinked and then shut his eyes once again, going back to sleep.

I glanced back at my monitor and saw a new email appear.

I swiftly clicked on the message and read.

[That is acceptable. We will leave the original deadline in effect. Have a good time.]

I stared at the message and reread the short missive in bewilderment.

'That had been... odd.'

[justcallmedust]

Reasons I cant let this go:

One time he made a comment alluding to being unfaithful prior to me actually seeing Becky walk off our property at about 3:30am on 6/11/23.

A few weeks after he introduced me to her, when they were secretly meeting to take walks together and I was sure something was going on.. he got mad at me for some stupid thing in the kitchen, no it was because I didn’t want to have sex because I had another UTI and made the comment "you keep accusing me of cheating and you wonder why". When I questioned what he meant by that, he got mad and left for work.

But the thing is, I wasnt accusing him of cheating, I was upset because I saw the closeness between them and I was trying to convey that it was hurtful and inappropriate.. but any time I tried to bring it up he got mad at me and shut me down.

I was also aware at that time that he was intentionally picking fights with me so he could easily stomp off mad and go walk with her or whatever.

And of course the incident where she went to grab him without realizing I was sitting right there, and her face told on her.

Those red flaggy feelings initially went away once we talked and he admitted to what I had already seen and couldnt be denied, but now they are back doubletime.

I cannot get past his whole "I sent her a text saying we were spending too much time together and my wife is mad and that was it" thing. They carried on a pretty insense emotional relationship for 2 months - possibly sex too - and I just cant buy that one text ended it. I know he has private messaging apps on his phone and possibly an email that I don't know because he also had 2 seperate email apps aside from the iphone mail app I know he uses because I set it up for him with the only 2 emails I know he has - AND there was one day he was all flustered with his email notifications were going off and he was trying to figure out how to silence the alerts but he wouldnt let me just do it for him like usual, he kept his phone hidden from me and was angrily demanding I help him.. So he definitely could be in contact with her without me knowing. He already admitted that shes been on his phone so she could have set something up for him.

Then there is the emails he's gotten from match.com alerting him to people noticing his profile and sending him messages. I confirmed he has a current account on match.com - I am trying to confirm if it's paid for or not. It's possibly an old-ish account, I have confirmed he had an account back in 2017 that I think is now closed so either way he made another one since then.

Then there are the craigslist ads searching for a 'female accomplice needed' or 'female friend needed'. These he claims were just scambait.. which there is a degree of evidence of. But the intent of the ads was not initially scambait.

Then there are the google chatrooms labeled 'Adult Secret Community' that he joined just last year.

We can also look at the massive amount of females he follows and interacts with on tiktok.

There were also the weird shirtless selfies he took while in PA, that he claimed he was going to send to me but was unable because of service.. however, the Verizon message logs show he sent out plenty of pictures.. just not to me. He never intended me to even see those photos. He was scrolling through pictures of the work he allegedly did - but I never saw a picture of the other guy he supposedly worked with, no after shot of finished work. There were pictures of the inside of the house, like 2 shots of something being painted and 2 shirtless selfies of him .. which he got flustered when I saw.

He said to me that he has this overwhelming need to know that women think he's the shit and find him attractive and that's the only reason he is constantly seeking out other women. This could be valid, I mean he is a classic narcessist - but I don't buy it. There have been many times in the last 20 years that I saw all the signs of actual physical cheating, aside from all the emotional cheating.

I never thought he would bring it onto our property. That changed me forever. I will never get past it. I will never trust again.

[raspberryconverse]

Something I often think about is whether I should have gone to the college I went to right out of high school.

I graduated in 2007 with a degree in Radio Broadcasting and the economy tanked right as I was entering the job market. I honestly think if that hadn't happened, I would have gotten an entry level job at WXRT. While I was interning there was a programming assistant who got fired for spending too much time on MySpace (which is really funny to think about given how integral social media is now). I think they might have hired me for that position, but the economy was showing signs of slowing down and it was basically eliminated.

I spent my 20s floundering. I know I wasn't the only one, but I didn't pick as practical of a career path as I had originally thought (I mean, I really wanted to be a singer, but there was no way I was going to major in music performance). Part of it was my anxiety about being on the air.My anxiety got so crippling I couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to do voiceover for my upper level production classes. I think if I could have gotten over that, I might have had a shot, but anxiety still plagues me 15+ years later. Chicago is the 3rd largest market in the US and they have the money to have dedicated production assistants and music directors (my dream job). Smaller markets want you to do that and be on the air, so I was basically fucked.

At 29, I went back to school for web development. I worked really hard and graduated at 31. I only got 1 B the entire time. It took a few months to find a contract job and I actually left it early to go to my current job. I've been slowly getting myself on track for all the adulting. I moved out of my dad's house at 32. I met my spouse later that year. We U-haul'd it and moved in together about 6 months later. After about 3.5 years of living together, they proposed to me and we got married last May. We closed on our house a week before our wedding and left Wisconsin behind about a month later.

I'm writing out this tumultuous timeline to remind myself of all the good things that happened because my life took the course that it did. I would have $22k less student loan debt right now, that's for sure. But would my life have ended up the way it did if I hadn't gone that route? Probably not.

But one this is for sure: if I had never gone to the college I went to right out of high school, I never would have met Lin Brehmer. Sure, I can pick up WXRT in my hometown, but I didn't even know it existed. I went into that internship knowing basically nothing about the station other than it was some kind of alternative station, but not the same as Q101 or The Loop. After being educated in the AAA (adult album alternative) format, I fell in love. This was a radio station format that satisfied all of my music preferences. WXRT's tagline is Chicago's Finest Rock and that it most definitely is. But also, going in blind made me not the least bit starstruck about working with these DJs who have been at the station since before I was born. Lin was special, though. He was goofy and nerdy and gave really painful high fives. He used to call me John Ford Coley (and once Francis Ford Coley). He actually introduced me to his brother as "the best intern ever" and to Billy Corgan (who just randomly showed up at the studio one day with a CD of what was going to be the next Smashing Pumpkins album, Zeitgeist) as a radio savant. He and John Farneda (the music director who actually passed away about 2 years ago) definitely saw something special in me and even though I went through almost decade of struggling after finishing my radio degree, I wouldn't trade it for the world because I wouldn't have met either of them.

The last 2 weeks I tuned in to listen to Lin's Bin, a weekly radio essay to answer a listener question and was puzzled that I seemed to have missed it. I thought about emailing Lin to have him send it to me (they can't post it on the website because of all the TV and movie clips) like I had in the past, but I never got around to it. I'm a really bad radio broadcasting major in that I really only listen to the radio when I'm driving (and to listen to Lin's Bin). Since going completely remote, I started listening to podcasts instead of music while I'm working. I kind of regret that change (although when I was in the office, I'd listen mostly to what Spotify recommends to me) because now I can't remember the last time I heard Lin on the air. It might have been awhile back, when my spouse and I had our chiropractor appointments together (they insist on morning appointments and TBH, hearing Lin on the air was the only redeeming factor in it). He wasn't on last week when we went, but again, I thought nothing of it.

And now he's gone.

I've been really struggling lately with my anxiety and been a really terrible wife by lashing out. Add to it all the things we've had to fix in our house (I apparently fucked up the plumbing by dumping coffee grounds down the kitchen sink and that's why our utility sink isn't draining) and I've been pretty down. I had been diagnosed with MDD (formerly called dysthymia) many years ago, so everything that's been piling up has not left me feeling that great about my life most days. I've never been suicidal because I actually have a major phobia of dying (atheism FTW!), but I definitely haven't been wanting to exist most of the time lately.

So even though I would never end my life, when I'm feeling really down, I have to remember: Take nothing for granted. It's F. great to be alive.

I have no words. Now the two people who made my experience interning at XRT so good are gone and my heart is broken.

— Coley 💗💜💙 Bisexual people exist (she/her) (@raspberrychucks) Jan 22, 2023 January 22, 2023 at 01:57PM via Twitter https://twitter.com/raspberrychucks