#and i just don’t see myself learning french that fast. plus i don’t trust those insanely expensive listings

[fingertipsmp3]

Hate when you finally find a copy of a book you’ve been searching for for ages and then as soon as you start it you’re like “actually I’m not in the mood to read this right now”

[bouwrites]

Even Heroes Have the Right to Dream: Chapter 3

He’s a hero, a lover, a prince. She’s not there.

First, Previous, Next. Ao3.

Story under read-more.

Marinette has to admit that she is a little nervous to be sharing an apartment with a boy. She’s been sharing with Adrien, of course, but Adrien is her boyfriend. Jon is a stranger. But, meeting him, Marinette’s fears calm a lot.

Jon is big enough to hurt her if he wants, and would take all of Marinette’s skill and training to fight just for his size and strength advantage, but he’s so gentle and earnest that Marinette is convinced startlingly fast that she needn’t be on such guard around him.

She notices, as they ease into a routine on their first week living together, how he’s always careful to give her space, as if he’s afraid of crowding her with his height over her. He never intrudes in her room, either. In fact, the only time he even steps foot inside is when Marinette grabs his arm and drags him in to get his help in hanging up some fairy lights she needs higher on the wall than she can safely reach. (She gets most of it done herself. Over her desk and bed, she just stands on those to give her the height, but one wall doesn’t have any convenient furniture under it.)

Jon is a remarkably great roommate, actually, whom Marinette counts herself lucky to be stuck with. He’s friendly and invites her out with him when he’s going to do fun things and he’s always willing to talk and listen if she wants to, and he cleans up after himself and stays out of her business for the most part, which Marinette appreciates. They go for coffee a few times in the mornings leading up to their semesters starting, taking advantage of the time to get to know each other before they’re swamped with work, but most of their days are spent either exploring their respective colleges, exploring the city (which they do together once or twice), or at their desks preparing for the semester ahead. By the time classes do start, Marinette considers him a friend.

Adrien isn’t too happy about her rooming with a guy, which Marinette understands, but she tries to assuage his concerns. “It’s fine, Adrien. Jon is very considerate. You don’t have to worry about him. Besides, I always have Tikki.”

Adrien pouts at the screen. “I know you can handle yourself, my lady. I just don’t like the idea of some strange guy living with you.”

Marinette rolls her eyes. “You don’t know him.”

“Neither do you. You’ve only known each other for a week!”

“And he hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him.” Marinette says. “Of course, I’m cautious, but I won’t assume the worst about him when he hasn’t shown any sign of deserving it. Just relax.”

Adrien sighs. “I’m trying. I just… I worry about you. Are you sure you’re doing okay?”

“I’m doing great. There’s nothing to worry about.”

His eyes flicker downwards. “If you say so. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, chaton.”

Adrien is quiet for a while, and ultimately breaks the silence by asking, “So, how’re your classes?”

Marinette smiles. “Not quite what I was expecting.” She admits. “But interesting!” As she talks about her classes, Adrien listens attentively, looking just below the camera (at her image) with the same look she always sees on him. That love for her that makes her heart flutter.

It’s not quite the same when she knows he’s an ocean away. It doesn’t make her heart flutter. It makes it hurt.

But she doesn’t regret her decision. She can’t. University is more than she can imagine, and she’s only just starting! Already she’s learning things she’s never even thought about, and it’s still hard to fight the itch to go out and patrol the streets, but she takes solace in the comforting notion that it’s not her responsibility anymore. She’s not a hero. Besides, while classes are manageable now, she’ll be thankful for the extra time when things really get into full swing. Already she’s planning out her time carefully and doing everything she can to stay on top of her work.

She won’t go back to clumsy, overworked, stressed-out, hot mess Marinette. This is a new chapter in her life, and she’ll take full advantage of the ability to get a head start on organizing it.

The first day of classes, as soon as she gets to the apartment, she copies down all the dates in her syllabi to her schedule, on a calendar directly over her desk where she can’t miss it if she tries. And every day after class, she writes all her smaller assignments and readings on a whiteboard in the same place over her desk, which she can plan her time around to tackle one at a time without overworking herself.

(When she mentions this strategy to Jon, he slaps a hand to his face and exclaims, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Marinette laughs at him and is flattered when he mentions a few days later that he got a similar set-up for himself, thanking her for “saving his life.”)

“Shoes, Jon!”

Jon freezes in the doorway, groaning as he looks down at his feet. “Sorry, Marinette.”

“We have a shoe closet for a reason, you know.”

“That’s a broom closet!” He protests, already on his way back to change his shoes.

“Our shoes are in there!” Marinette calls down the hall to him. “So, it’s a shoe closet!”

“The broom is in there, too!”

“I didn’t buy you indoor shoes for you to sass me, mister! You’re just tracking dirt all over the place, and you’re going to have to clean it up!”

“Then I’ll clean it! You know I don’t mind cleaning duty!”

As Jon reemerges into the living room, Marinette says, “And that’s fine, so long as I don’t have to use the floor before you get to it and get my fabrics all filthy. Again.”

“I said I was sorry.” Jon whines. He makes a cute pouty face for a moment before his attention turns to what she’s doing. “What’s for dinner?”

“Spaghetti.” Marinette says. “Can you take over? I really want to go over my essay one more time.”

Jon adjusts his glasses and carefully examines the pots on the stove. “Which you can do in the… ten minutes it’ll take to finish this?”

“Every minute counts! I’m also working on a new design, so I want as much time as possible tonight to finish it up. Plus, I have to call Adrien before it gets too late. It’s already getting late in Paris.”

Jon chuckles. “Sure, sure. Go do your thing. I’ll finish up dinner.”

“Thanks! You’re the best.” Marinette hands off her spoon to him and dances around him to get to her room. “Call me when it’s ready!”

“I will. This ain’t my first rodeo.”

Marinette sticks her tongue out at him when he shakes his head at her, and then she hurries off to her room. Her essay isn’t due for another week, which is why she takes the time to start dinner in the first place, but she has a presentation to prepare that’s also due next week, so she wants to get this essay done tonight so that she only has to worry about the one thing.

And while Marinette may be fluent in English – her parents taught her English as well as French growing up, a useful thing to know while in a store in a place with so many tourists – She’s still much less confident in it than in her French. She has to go over her essays very carefully for grammar, and then she takes full advantage of the writing center and the tutors there who will go over it with her. She’s taking this essay in tomorrow, and then will use the weekend to perfect it with her tutor’s recommendations as well as get her presentation into a better place.

It’s a lot, but she’s on top of it for now and she’s going to use everything at her disposal, including Jon so long as it doesn’t hinder him, to stay on top of it. Every minute counts, and this essay needs to be ready to turn into the writing center tonight.

She’s, predictably, still on the phone with Adrien (and multitasking, reviewing her essay at the same time) when Jon knocks on her door and calls her to dinner, and then she runs out to grab a plate and asks, “Do you mind?” as she tentatively steps back towards her room. She can talk with Adrien and eat and then do all her work right after dinner.

Jon chuckles and shakes his head. “Go talk to your boyfriend.”

Marinette is frustrated. Who in their right mind decides that three classes are allowed to have their tests on the same day? Why is Marinette taking three classes in one day in the first place? I should have done two and two like a sensible person. She grumbles to herself. Of course, her lab also has a test, so her other day still has two tests at once. Which is, quite frankly, utterly ridiculous.

It’s not like she isn’t prepared for them. She’s known these tests are coming since the start of the semester and has been preparing accordingly. She’s as ready as she can be, and she worries cramming now won’t do anything for her at all. Even still, it’s three tests to worry about tomorrow. So, she’ll review her notes one more time before bed, but before that, she’s going to stress-sew.

Stress-relief will probably help a lot more than a few hours extra studying at this point.

Vrrrr. Vrrrr. Thunk.

The sewing machine is familiar and calming and it helps her get her thoughts in order.

Vrrrr. Vrrrr. Thunk.

Repetitive and mindless. She can do this in her sleep. And she knows all the material, she can take the test in her sleep! Right? Right. Definitely.

Bum-bum-bum.

Marinette raises her head to the door of her room. She carefully stops the machine and goes to answer it.

And there is Jon, glasses askew and hair a mess, rubbing the bags under his eyes. He peers over her shoulder at the machine not far from them. “Hey.” He says. “Is that, uh, urgent?”

Marinette glances back to her project. “No. It’s just a thing I’m working on for myself. Why? Is the machine too loud?”

He slowly nods. “Sorry. Could you put it off until tomorrow or something? I’m- you know. Cramming.”

“Of course. No problem. Sorry for bothering you.”

He yawns. “No worries. Thanks. I should get back to studying.”

Marinette watches as he zombie-walks back to his room, shutting the door behind him. Frowning, Marinette wonders how she can help him. Sewing calms her, but her machine is bothering him, so she has to find something else. She can just leave him alone. Study herself or find a book to read so she’s in silence and not making any noise that can disturb him. That’s probably what he wants her to do, but…

Marinette puts her project away, takes out her own notes, and then tip-toes out of her room. Mid-terms are tough, no doubt about it, but if there’s one thing she knows from being Ladybug it’s that when the going gets tough, keeping her cool is what will lead her to victory.

So, she makes tea. It’s not much, but it’s what she can do for him, and for herself, right now. She pours him a cup and carefully knocks on his door. “Jon?”

“Come in.” She hears, weakly.

She enters, frowns at how the lights are off even as he stares at his laptop screen, and places the cup of tea on his desk next to him. “You’ve been studying all semester.” She says. “You’ve got this.”

Jon slowly reaches out, takes a sip of the tea, and sighs. “Thanks, Marinette.”

“Also, don’t study with your lights off. It’s bad for your eyes, and it’ll only make you tired and you won’t retain as much.”

He chuckles. “Hit the lights for me?”

“Yeah.” She pats his shoulder once before turning away. “Good luck, Jon.”

“You too.”

As she exits the room, she flicks his light switch, flooding the room with light. That alone perks Jon up even more. Marinette rolls her eyes as she closes the door behind her.

As for herself, she grabs her own cup of tea and settles down with her own notes. Maybe she’ll get an early night, if this doesn’t take too long. It’ll be good for her, anyway.

Marinette expects the party she walks into when she returns to Paris. With her family and friends, it’d be silly to expect anything else. But the fanfare dies quickly enough. After they drag her around for a while and waste the whole day away spending time with each other.

Adrien is a strange mix of ecstatic and subdued. Marinette suspects the latter is because he can tell what she’s thinking, even as she figures it out herself, but he’s still overjoyed to see her and he sweeps her up into his arms like he hasn’t been able to for months. (Because he hasn’t.)

And when the day drifts into its close, it’s odd, living in her old bedroom again. It isn’t just her time at University since she’s lived in the bakery, after all, but also her time living with Adrien, so it’s strange to be in this room again.

Adrien is still with her for now, standing in her old bedroom feeling two years too old for it, because he wants to be with her as much as he can and she wants to spend the break with her parents.

“I always loved this room.” Adrien says suddenly. “It’s so you. And look!” He rushes over to her bed, scaling the stairs up to it to poke at the latch above it. “Your balcony! Remember all the nights we’d spend up there?”

Marinette smiles. She remembers. All the nights Chat Noir would drop by her balcony. How they’d talk and talk late into the night about everything and nothing, before and after the reveal of their identities. How many hours have we spent up there? She follows him up, taking his hand when he offers it to pull her through the skylight onto the balcony proper.

It’s just like she remembers it. A little barren, maybe, with not quite so many plants out here to keep them company, but her old lounge chair and sunshade are still out here. It makes her feel nostalgic.

“I should go patrol.” Adrien says looking out over the city. “Do you… want to join me, my lady? For old time’s sake? Paris misses you.” He leaves the “I miss you” out for her sake, but Marinette hears it.

She shakes her head. “I’m not a hero anymore, Adrien.”

Adrien swallows thickly. “Right. I’ll… I guess I’ll see you soon, then.”

Marinette searches in Adrien’s eyes for answers to a question she doesn’t want to ask. “See you soon.”

He looks away. “Plagg. Transform me.” He turns, readying himself to leap to another roof, but looks back.

It’s strange, when he looks back. It makes Marinette feel out of place. Like she’s not where she’s supposed to be and he’s surprised to see her there instead of at his side. It makes something inside of Marinette twist painfully, but she ignores it for now. It’s probably nothing. She’s just not used to staying behind yet.

Marinette takes for granted the normal things in her life. She shouldn’t, considering how abnormal her life is, but she does. Things like cooking dinner for two knowing someone else will be home by the time it’s done, or petty disagreements over inside shoes that never heat up to the point of actual argument, or work catching up with her despite her efforts to stay on top of it and working late into the night to get everything done.

Adrien never stops asking her if she wants to go on patrol, and every time he leaves without her, she feels more and more alone. During the day, Alya badgers her about Ladybug, too. And she doesn’t mind it. She understands where they’re coming from. She just… misses when superheroes and crime fighting wasn’t a thing she had to worry about. Even if it only lasted for a couple months.

“What’s troubling you, Master?”

Marinette closes her eyes and sighs at the floor at Wayzz’s question. “Nothing.” She says. “It’s almost Christmas! Are you all excited?”

The kwami all chirp happily and voice their excitement and Marinette uses that to derail their concern. The way Wayzz and Tikki look at each other, though… Marinette knows this isn’t the end of it.

Christmas comes and goes. It’s a lovely affair. Marinette goes to Alya’s holiday party, and then spends Christmas day with her family, Adrien included. (He’s been part of the family since his dad was arrested for being Hawk Moth.) It’s a day of warmth and cheer, and Marinette kisses Adrien under the mistletoe, and then Chat Noir leaves to sing carols on rooftops, and Marinette wonders… she wonders where normal went.

She feels selfish. Mean and cruel and selfish, because she doesn’t hate this. It’s fine. She’s okay with Adrien leaving every night to be a hero, despite how lonely it makes her feel. She’s content with her responsibility of taking care of the kwami. But she isn’t happy. It hurts, that she’s not happy. But on some level, it feels like she’s still expected to be Ladybug. Every time Adrien asks her if she wants to suit up, every time Wayzz calls her “Master,” every time Alya shows her the pictures she takes of Adrien late at night, it’s like they’re quietly egging her on, nagging her, asking why she isn’t doing what she’s supposed to. Asking where she went.

It’s uncomfortable, and even though she has a lot of fun being back home with her family and friends, it pervades everything in Paris. It’s as if the city itself is crying out to her to come back to them.

In some cases, it literally is doing that.

Alya has more tact than to post such an article, but other news sites, ones who don’t know who Ladybug is or her reason for leaving, still ask what happened to Paris’ heroine. Adrien still dodges questions about it, still never giving a firm answer on whether she’ll come back or not. Marinette thinks he doesn’t want to say that she won’t, because he’s still hoping that she will.

“How could she just abandon us like this?” People ask. “She’s supposed to be our hero.” They say.

It’s too late for that. Marinette can’t turn back now. Not after she got her one sweet taste of normal. Besides, she still has the rest of her University life ahead of her. It’s only been one semester. She can’t come back now even if she wants to.

But how can she turn her back on this?

It’s a few days before she leaves that she makes her decision. “Marinette.” Tikki says softly. “You’ve been quiet all break. What’s going on?”

Marinette sighs. She doesn’t want to say. She wants to deny that anything at all is wrong. But she’d be lying. She made a promise to Adrien to be happy, and if she lies now… Marinette resigns herself to the inevitable. It’s better to do it now than later. Rip off the band-aid, so to speak. “I went to America because I wanted to start over, Tikki. To start… normal. Because being here, where being Ladybug is so important – not just to me but to everyone. Adrien, Alya, all of you kwami, it… I feel trapped here. And Paris is… they’re mad at me, Tikki. For leaving. They’re mad at me because I did something that made me happy! I just- I’m mad at them! And I…” She sighs again, shaking her head. It’s not worth getting angry over. “I don’t want to stay here, but… I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Marinette, you’re the guardian of the Miracle Box. You have t-”

“I know! I know I have responsibilities! I don’t want them! I’m not trying to slack off or shirk my work, I just… university isn’t easy, Tikki.”

“I know.” Tikki laughs lightly. “I saw.”

“It’s not easy, but it’s normal. It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile for me. It’s a lot of work, but it makes me better. It makes me happy. Being Ladybug, being a hero, it’s a lot of work, too, but it makes me feel… empty. Am… Am I a bad person for not wanting to do that?”

“Of course, you’re not a bad person, Marinette! You’re the best person I know!”

“…Even if I’m not Ladybug?”

“You don’t need powers to be good, Marinette.” Tikki pauses for a long time, looking away and, perhaps, a bit ashamed. “I’m sorry if we put too much on you. I’m proud of you for doing what makes you happy. You know all I want is for you to be happy. If that means you have to be normal, then that’s okay.”

Marinette sniffs and reaches out to hug Tikki. “Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

She tries and tries to think of how she’ll tell Adrien, but all she does is make herself cry. And she keeps crying until Adrien finally gets back from patrol.

“Marinette!” He’s startled, confused, scared, because his girlfriend is crying, and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He reaches out to comfort her, but Marinette weakly pushes him away.

She can’t summon words for a long while. All she can do is stare pitifully at his concern, that love and worry that shows her so clearly how he feels about her. And ironically, despite how much he loves her, and how much she loves him, that’s exactly why she needs to do this. Because they have to be honest with each other, and Marinette needs to honor the promise she made to honor that love. She can’t draw this out any longer than she already has, even if she desperately doesn’t want to let go. “I’m sorry, Adrien.” She finally says. “I’m trying, I really am. But I can’t… I can’t do this. I… I’m just starting to understand what normal is, and I can’t… every time you leave, I feel this obligation and hate and hurt and I… I can’t.”

Adrien sits back on the bed, struck more painfully than he ever has been before in costume. “…Are you breaking up with me?”

Marinette nods. “I’m sorry.” She says. “You’re a hero. You’re a wonderful person, and I love you so much, but I just… I can’t do this. I can’t be happy this way, so…”

Marinette can hear a long, shaky sigh. “I understand, my lady. We both kind of knew this was coming, didn’t we?”

“Yeah. I guess we did. You’re a hero. I’m not. We worked great when we were fighting together, but now that there’s no bad guy…”

“You’ve been quiet.” Adrien says. “And I’ve been spending more time out, away from you. And you going to America makes it even harder.”

“That time of our lives is over.” Marinette summarizes. “Everything that brought us together in the first place is over.”

“Yeah.” Adrien frowns. “I guess we… outgrew each other.”

“…Each other?”

Adrien flinches. “I love you so much, Marinette. You know that. But… I know what you mean. To me, we were Ladybug and Chat Noir. Even as Marinette and Adrien, we were the hero duo. If we’re not heroes anymore, or worse, if only one of us is, then what are we? You’re always going to be my hero, and I’ll always love you, but… you’re right. It’s not the same.”

Marinette screws her eyes shut, trying in vain not to cry. “I think I saw it the same way. You’re a hero. You’ll always be Chat Noir. And while I still liked being Ladybug, we made sense. Now…”

“Now we don’t.” Adrien says, voice fragile and quivering. “Even if it hurts.”

“…Yeah.”

“Do you think we can still be friends?”

“I think it’ll hurt.” Marinette says. “But I think we can if we try.”

“It’s worth it.” Adrien says. “However much it hurts, it’ll be worth it.”

Marinette giggles softly. “Agreed. So… friends?”

Adrien smiles back at her, weak and struggling but a smile, sincere, nonetheless. “Friends. Forever.”

“Friends forever.” Marinette echoes.

Marinette throws her bags into her room and collapses on her bed. It’s still unbelievable to her that she’s single now. She’s been with Adrien since collège. They dated for six years! The last two years of collège, all three years of lycée, and another year on top of that, plus Marinette’s whole first semester of university. It’s another thing that she’s not sure how to live without.

But she’s adapting to not reaching for Tikki whenever she hears trouble. She’s adapting to not checking on the kwami every night. She’s adapting. She’ll adapt to life without Adrien as a boyfriend, too. At least he’s not completely gone from her life. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

And now that she’s alone… she has nothing left to stop her from crying.

“Marinette? You back?” The voice is cautious, ready for danger, calling out for confirmation that it’s okay to let down his guard. She stifles her sobs, but still doesn’t hear Jon’s shoes on the floorboards before there’s a knock on her door. “Are you… crying?”

“I’m okay!” She calls, sniffling.

There’s a silent moment between them. “You left the door unlocked.” Jon says gently. “I just wanted to make sure it was you.”

“Y-yeah. It’s me. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jon says. “…What happened?”

“It’s nothing.” Marinette says. “Just… Adrien.”

“Adrien?” Jon’s voice takes on a dark quality that she hasn’t heard from him before. “Did he do something?”

“No! No, he didn’t do anything wrong.” Marinette says quickly. Hearing that threatening tone in Jon’s voice frightens her more than she thinks it should, considering it’s for her sake. She’s never seen him angry before, not after a whole semester living together. Subdued, quite a bit, sad, sometimes, like he has a lot on his shoulders, but never angry. She really doesn’t like hearing him that way. “We broke up.” She says, finally. Jon is a friend, and he’s going to be putting up with her missing Adrien one way or another, so she figures it’s just fair to at least tell him what she’s crying over.

There’s a soft, “Oh,” from the other side of the door, and then Jon says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. Thanks, but… no. I don’t.”

“Okay.”

And that’s it. He doesn’t say anything else, so Marinette sighs and sits for a while longer in the dark. A few minutes later, there’s another knock on her door. “Marinette? Come out into the living room.”

Marinette frowns through the dark at the door. “Why?”

“Please? Just come out.”

Marinette debates with herself for a moment, glances over to her nightstand where Tikki’s earrings rest in their box, and slowly rises from her bed.

She opens the door, peeking out to see Jon there with a gentle smile on his face, big, concerned, blue eyes magnified by his square glasses, with one hand held out to her. She frowns at him but takes his hand and lets him guide her to the living room.

And what she sees has her crying all over again. He’s pulled out an old quilt she didn’t know he has, the kind of warm, grandma-crafted thing that just screams safety, homeliness, and comfort. It’s draped over the sofa, and there are two pints of ice cream on the coffee table, glowing softly in the light of the television playing the intro of a Disney movie in English, one spoon placed carefully on the lid of each pint.

Did he buy ice cream before I got back? Neither of them eat that much ice cream, so when they do they usually go out specifically for it. They rarely just have it in their freezer. She can’t help but wonder where he got them, but… she’s not going to think about it too hard. It’s just her ladybug luck. How helpful it is. Or maybe Jon has some sixth sense for this. He has always been sensitive to her feelings.

She just can’t believe him right now. He keeps smiling at her, carefully guiding her to the sofa, and sits her down and throws the quilt over her and hands her one of the pints of ice cream before grabbing the other and slipping under the quilt on the other side of the sofa. He doesn’t say anything, he just opens his ice cream and starts digging in, watching the movie like this is just a regularly scheduled movie night. (Maybe, Marinette thinks, they should start having movie nights.)

Marinette opens her pint feeling guilty, because this is so… normal. It’s so sweet and thoughtful of Jon, and it makes her so happy, and it reminds her why she broke up with Adrien and that reminds her how much it hurts.

This is her normal. Life in this little apartment barely big enough for the both of them. Jon from Hamilton County putting his shoes up on the coffee table despite Marinette having spent a semester trying to train him to leave his shoes by the door. Ice cream and Disney movies to get over a breakup. It’s so pedestrian, so normal, so much exactly what Marinette wants that it hurts.

Because she does love Adrien. He’s like the sweet frozen cream on her tongue. He’s a hero, and he makes her feel good when she feels bad, but it’s just not enough. Because he’s a hero, and she’s a world away in America, searching for her own life and future.

Because here under Jon’s old quilt, eating ice cream and watching Disney movies while he’s just on the other side of the sofa doing the exact same thing like this isn’t because she’s feeling terrible but just because it’s a normal thing to do, she feels normal. And safe. And it feels like a betrayal to her home, to her family and friends, and to Adrien. That they aren’t good enough. That she can’t be satisfied with them.

Marinette is confused. She’s feeling too many things and it’s hard to sort through it all, but she supposes that’s why normal people drown their worries away in ice cream and silly movies. Because those are so much simpler and bring such a simple pleasure that they’re easy to focus on.

She looks over to Jon, and he’s attentive of her, glancing her way now and then, checking in on her, but he doesn’t bother her. He lets her sit in silence as she pleases. She did say she doesn’t want to talk about it, so she’s thankful for it. Even so, she has to say something. The only thing she can say to him for doing this for her without question. For being so kind and patient and normal. “Thank you, Jon.”

Jon beams at her. “Don’t mention it.”

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Tag List: @moonystars14 @pawsitivelymiraculous @magic-miraculous @vixen-uchiha @buticaaba @bigpicklebananatree  @lozzybowe  @moonlightstar64 @amayakans <3

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

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Hi!~ you can just call me Alex, please!~ I would like to be anon if that is ok lol the fandoms I want are A3!, Haikyuu!!, and Naruto! 🥰 SFW and NSFW is alright with me! 😉 whatever is comfortable lol

Alright so, intro info! I’m a Capricorn sun, Sagittarius moon and Virgo Ascendant. My modality is Cardinal 53%, Fixed 37%, Mutable 11%. My elements are Earth 51%, Water 36%, Fire 10% and Air 3%. My MBTI is INFJ. I’m also a HuffleClaw with a bit of Slytherin. I have was born with Turner Syndrome. I have ADHD, Autism, Anxiety and Depression. I am agender and I use they/them pronouns though she/her are alright since I’m used to those pronouns lol I am still exploring my sexuality, I am very open dating anyone of any gender so I would say I’m bi/panromantic, however I do strongly connect with the asexual spectrum since trust is a big deal for me lol

I had a coarctation or narrowing of the arota at 6 days old and was pronounced dead on the way to Children’s Hospital. I had open heart surgery soon afterwards. My grandmother was told that with all the mental health issues I could have due to TS, I could be super smart or I wouldn’t even be able to remember my own name. The doctor’s said I would be bad at math. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my little brother was 6. Both of them remarried, my dad once and our mol several times. Though, I won’t go more into that lol just to save you the details, our grandparents raised us and life was -is- really messy ahah

I’m currently going to college. I was supposed to graduate last semester, but I changed my major several times in the last 2 years lol 😂😂 I was a biology major and wanted to work in marine bio/ wildlife conservation and start my own rehab places for marine/terrestrial mammals. I am now a Middle School Education major with areas of concentration in science and language arts with a minor in TESL ( Teaching English as a Second Language). I want to teach English in Japan! 😊 As far as grade school, I always made As/Bs witout even trying and I loved to read, so much so that I got an award for it in 5th grade! I was quiet yet loud and super awkward as a kid 🤣🤣 I actually loved science a lot and even took AP courses until highschool because the teacher I would have taken in highschool was a really bad teacher who if he had family members and didn’t like them, he wouldn’t like you. He taught my father and his sister and didn’t like them, so least to say young and impressionable me noped out of that fast 😂😂

For a while, I wanted to be a Forensic Antropologist like Temeperance from Bones! 😊 however, we didn’t have a anthro major at my college, only chem lol so, when I started taking upper level courses, I quickly found I much prefer bio to chem 🤣🤣 I still dislike math as I have my whole life, but since I got to college, I’ve only made below a B in one math related course! 🥰

Ok sorry for a lot of random info 🤣🤣 onto other things! So, I’m very shy and quiet at first, but when I get comfortable around someone, that’s when the wierd comes out 🤣 I’m very passionate about education and science! I am a Christian and am very passionate about equality. I also firmly believe in redistributing millionare/billionares’ wealth.

I grew up watching anime and still love it to this day. I have strong connection with Japanese culture because anime was the gateway into learning about it and anime will always have a special place in my heart because of it! Japanese culture and really most if not all Asian cultures resonate with me because of the morals anime had taught me. I firmly believe in balance and hamrony with nature! I was introduced to kpop in middle school and have been a fan ever since lol 🤣 I also like pop/alternative music lol I like P!NK, Linkin Park, Adele and a few others lol

As I mention with wanting to be a marine biologist, I really love animals!~ 💕💜 my favs are otters, foxes, cats of all kinds, dogs, wolves, dolphins, and honey badgers! I currently have a Korat named Lila (li-lah like lilac) she is a very unique cat 🤣 she’s super curious and sorta a crackhead lol I did have a yorkie terrier named Sarah and a miniature schnauzer named Star, but since last June, we had to put both of them down 🥺 Sarah got cancer suddenly late last year and a few months ago Star had congestive heart failure. They were 13 and 14 respectively. They were amazing dogs! Sarah loved to swim and hunt little creatures and was the energetic one while Star was the grouchy old lady 🤣🤣

I also love anything fantasy/superhero! I love HP, LOTR, and Marvel! My fav genre of anime is shounen obvi lol 🤣Lol I also love learning other languages! I took French in highschool and two semester of Mandarin in college lol ( I need to brush up on both 🤣🤣) I am currently trying to learn Japanese! I wanna also learn Korean, Welsh, and Irish! I hope to go teach English in Japan via the JET program at my college! 🥰 I will more than likely stay in Japan after I stay the 5 max years through the JET program!

I also really love video games! I wanna play Persona 5 soo bad 🤣🤣 Horzon: Zero Dawn, the Legend of Zelda series, the Pokemon series and Animal Crossing: New Horizons are some of my favorites lol

Hmmm… what else to say? 🤣 I am typically the mom friend of the group ahaha oh! I am 4’9” and weigh 140 so I’m kinda chubby 😅 I am very self concious about my body. I have green eyes and I wear small, black rectangular glasses. I have moles and freckles all over my body. I have a dyed blonde bob with a brunnette undercut. I don’t have any piercings yet but I do have one tattoo on my inner left ankle!

I am stubborn, passionate, caring, empathetic, understanding, loving, loud, quiet, awkward, hyper, enthusiastic, curious, and I can procrastinate at times due to my ADHD lol I also love to have plans lol I like things to be organized and clean, but I don’t mind ‘organized chaos’ sometimes lol I am also very loyal to my friends. I prefer having a few super close friends than having tons of aquaintances.

Ok so dating lol um I’ve never actually dates anyone before 🙈 I’m also a virgin lol trust is a big issue for me, like aforementioned my parents divorce affected me a lot and I have a strained relationship with each of them due to the divorce and the events over the years afterwards. Plus, as a Capricorn, school/career is my main focus. I’m so busy with college and trying to figure myself out, I haven’t got time for dating ahaha so my irl soulmate will need to be a hell of a person and have the patience of a saint to deal with me 🤣

Even though I have never been in a relationship, out of curiousity and wanting to be knowledgeable, I have researched BDSM lol 😂 I am definitely not into slave/master, whipping, or anything super hardcore at all lol though, mild stuff like toys, handcuffs, spanking, biting, dirty talk, brat/tamer or daddy (mommy)/ little girl and blindfolds would be stuff I’m willing to try out lol basically, some light pain, toys and anything where I can be submissive and cast my cares away while still being able to be sassy/defiant suits me 🤣

Oh! For the purposes of this matchup, just male characters is fine lol like I said, I’m still trying to figure myself out so, for simplicities sake, assuming heteronorms is alright lol

Hmm as far as a type of guy I like, I can give you some anime examples 😂 Portgas D. Ace from One Piece, Itachi/Kakashi/Shikamaru from Naruto, Roy Mustang (also shoutout to Solf J. Kimblee as a guilty mention 🤣) from FMA!B, Kisuke Urahara from Bleach, Zuko/Sokka fron ATLA, Gintoki/Kamui/Takasugi/Shinpachi/Hijikata/Katsura from Gintama, Daisuke Kanbe from The Millionare Detective- Balance:Unlimited, Shinso Hitoshi/Shindo Yo from BNHA/MHA, Levi/Beel from Obey Me!, Itaru/Omi/Sakyo/Misuki/Tsuzuru/Kazunari/Banri from A3! And many more 🤣🤣 sorry for the long list lol basically to sum it up my type is kinda laid back, a lil perverted, confident, dominant, funny, teasing/flirty, caring, intellgent, mysterious, passionate and stubborn lol

Well, I hope that was enough info to get a good in depth matchup 🤣🤣 I feel like I gave too much but I wanna try to make it as detailed for y’all as possible so you can have an easier time with the matchup ahah thanks a lot, I love your blog and keep doing the good work you are doing! 🥰❤️💜💕 be sure to take care of yourselves and I hope y’all have a great weekend!! 🥰

( I apologize for sending it a second time, but there was some stuff I wanted to add that I forgot to mention until I after I sent in the first one 😭 again, I sincerely apologize!)

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Hello Alex and thank you for submitting with us! And thank you for supporting us! I hope you enjoy the boys I paired you with!

>Admin 𝕋

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𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

I choose Kiba to be your Naruto boyfriend! when he first sees you, and how quiet and shy you are, Kiba will definitely want to bring your inner playfulness out! And when he sees that you do have some playfulness in you, he will see that you became comfortable enough around him that your inner weird came out! And that would really pull at Kiba’s heartstrings! Kiba will also find it fascinating that you like different types of culture, and how the world works via science and education! He isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he will definitely appreciate how you think, since he wants harmony in the world too! He will love the fact that you love animals and he will love the fact that you want to be a marine biologist! Being an animal lover himself, he will marry you right on the spot, just for that!

Since you are the mom friend of the group, you can totally take care of Kiba! It might not be the best, but Kiba would really love and appreciate you taking the time out of your day to do stuff for him, even if he didn’t ask for it! He will love your buddy, it being curvy and easy to hold onto, if you know what I mean wink wink. He will find your little beauty marks to be charming and I see him poking your moles and freckles every so often when he is bored! And when you tell him that you want to get tattoos, hell yeah! He will want to be there for when you get your first one!

Kiba will love the fact that you are passionate about your studies, and you main focus is school and your career! He will love the fact that you are don’t want anyone to mess up your future, and where you want to go in life! He may be a bit on the impatient side, but when he is with you, he will understand the need for patience and why it is important! He will also love the fact that you are so loyal to your friends! He doesn’t want to date anybody who isn’t loyal or isn’t compassionate to the people around them, so that will definitely be a plus in your book!

For the spicy stuff, Kiba at first would not know what he is doing but once he figures it out, ho boy, you are in a for a treat! Biting, lots of biting, and him being just very dominant, wanting to please you and make you feel like you are on cloud nine! He will let you do what you want, if it means that you are going to like what you guys do in the bedroom! From the biting to the dirty talk, he is up for anything!

I choose Sakyo to be your A3! boyfriend! Sakyo will see your shy and quiet persona and think nothing much of it, but once you get comfortable around him, enough so that your inner weirdness comes out to play, he will be surprised that you were hiding such a fun and cheerful person away from him! He will also like the fact that you are passionate about science and education, since Sakyo himself is definitely one to go to science for something that can’t be explained, and he is one to like education too, since it gives you wisdom on subjects you didn’t know about before! He will love the fact that you love his culture so much, from the anime to the actual history of Japan. He will feel that you super educated on the subject, and will be appreciative of how much you love where he is from! 

Sakyo will find it adorable that you love animals, and he find it admirable that you want to become a marine biologist! It is a hard job, learning about all kinds of animals, and then discovering new ones! Yeah he will find it very impressive! And if you were to ever tell him that you want a dog or some kind of really cute animal, he will never able to say no to you! So you should use that to your advantage! As for video games, he isn’t one for the, but if you ever try to get him to play with you, he will have a hard time saying no! It will frustrate him though, that you’d keep beating him at all of them!

As for appearances, I feel Sakyo wouldn’t care about what you like, it’’s all about what is on the inside, and when he sees that you are a passionate, loving, caring, a mother figure to your friends, loyal to them, and empathetic to the people around you, he will just know that you are the person for him! Seriously, yeah he might like your curvy body, but what will really give make him like you is the fact that you are just a really nice person for people to be around! He will definitely understand the sentiment of having just a few close friends, than having like twenty acquaintances.

Sakyo will love the fact that you’d rather focus on your studies than have a boyfriend that could distract you from your future career! He would be glad to wait for you to accept him, until you are stable in your career and would be able to start dating you like he wants! And for a little spicy time, he would be a dominant as all hell. Like he would be so into dirty talk and taking you to heaven with his mouth. You might tell him you want to some like spanking and biting, and he might be into the biting, but the spanking makes him feel a little weird, so he might do it as often. But! If you ask, him he will have no reason to say no! So you better have fun with him!

I choose Iwaizumi as your Haikyuu boyfriend! Much like Sakyo, Iwaizumi will see you shy and timid demeanor and think nothing of it, and if anything, he will think it is kind of cute, but would have an inkling that you are more than you put out. And once Iwaizumi sees that, yes, you are more than shy, that you have your weird quirks and can be quite loud, he will find you even more cute, what with the way you act around him and not the others! He will find it so cute that you only act like that with him and nobody else! And much like Sakyo, he will find it awesome that you like his culture so much! From the anime to the language, and everything else! He would even offer to help you learn the language and such, to help you better understand his culture! Iwaizumi love the fact that you like superheroes and practically anything fantasy! I suspect that Iwaizumi also love Marvel and such! I also feel like Iwaizumi is extremely good at video games, so when he plays with you, make sure you try your best to win against him!

Iwaizumi will feel a bond with you being like the mom friend, since he has to constantly watch over Oikawa like he is his child! And for appearances, much like Kiba, I feel as though Iwaizumi will see your blemishes and your curvy body and think it is just uniquely you! Something that he associates with you alone! And the uniqueness will definitely get him to really like you! But I feel like he will really like girls in glasses so that is a definite plus for you!

Iwaizumi will love the fact, like the others, that you are a loving and caring person. Someone that is passionate and driven! And the fact that you have all your plans thought out and organized in your own way? Oh yeah, he would definitely like that! And the fact that you are so passionate about your future that you’d much rather focus on that instead of being in a relationship! He’d understand, would he hate that fact that he has to wait for you to be stable in your career? Yes, he wouldn’t like it one bit, but he wouldn’t leave you because of it! Will he wait for you? Most definitely!

For the spicy stuff, ahahahaha Iwaizumi. He is like. A dominant bottom, he’s okay with essentially whatever you want to do, as long you both are having a good time, and you guys are feeling good! As for the biting and the spanking and all the kinky things you want to try out, he’d be into it, he’d just wouldn’t know how to go about it, so it would be a learning experience for the both of you! In the end, Iwaizumi would be into a lot of things you guys tried! So beware what he has in store for you in the future!

[strangelyokay]

A How To on Acrylic Nails

Beauty tends to change just about every month and depending on the location it can be entirely different than what it is at a different place in the world. Sure, people like to advocate for the natural beauty for the simple and just be yourself platforms but sometimes what we add to our appearances define our moods and confidence. Accessories are part of our self-expression and I like to believe it adds extra personality to someone's individual style. Now am I a certified person to be talking about the beauty trends of the world?  Simply put no. I am not a fashion student or guru for that matter, but I do have interest. Specifically, in one beauty trend that seems to change and grow each year. Nails!!!

Well acrylic nails to be more specific. They have always interested me, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. See, as a kid I didn't understand them. I remember seeing girls around school with perfectly French tip nails. And as a young naive kid, I used to believe that those were their original nails. I always thought, “Wow their nails are so pretty, why are my……” Yes, I used to think my nails were less than desirable but hey can you blame me? No one told me the secret. My mom didn't understand the concept of spending money on unnecessary things. And to be honest I thought the same into one day I walked to my very first nail salon. I felt powerful, beautiful, different. When I got my very first set of acrylic nails something clicked. Sure, there were downfalls like not being able to open jars, sodas, and sometimes doors, but the perks were so good. I felt like an inner diva rose and said,” You look good.”

Now this blog isn't just me going on and on about how I love Acrylic Nails or how they are a good accessory or even about how they fit in in the new beauty era. Nope, I was interested in how to affordably get my nails done. I figured YouTube is popular with “how to” videos so I figured it was time for me to get a new hobby. I know very little on how to create beautiful nails, but I can give you the information that I have learned from my new hobby, first with what you will need and second the steps to create.

What equipment/products are needed to achieve beauty long acrylic nails?

●       Acrylic Nail tips- These are used as a template for nail shapes/lengths and it makes the nail stronger. Also, if you are like me and nervously chew your nails, these help a lot.

●       Nail Glue- Self-explanatory but this is needed for the fake nail to stay on your real nail.

●       Acrylic Nail Clipper/Nail File- Used to cut and shape the nail. I don't recommend using scissors, because they wouldn't be able to clip the nail even, and it would look bad.

●       Electric Nail Drill- Use to file, buff and shape the nail so that it doesn't look like a hot mess. You don't have to have a drill, you can always use a simple file, but it will take longer, like a lot longer.

●       Acrylic Monomer/ Acrylic Powders- When combined they make the substance use to create acrylic nails. They smell bad.

●       Acrylic Dish- To hold Monomer and the brush

●       Acrylic Nail brush- It's a must to have a good quality nail brush, because if not it wouldn't last long and it can even make your application impossible to make.

●       Nail Polish Remover- It helps to clean off the brush and fix small mistakes, plus it removes you know, nail polish.

●       Nail Primer- Use to make nails last longer, I personally don't use this because I am still learning how to create good nails and they are easier to take off without the primer, but if you really want to use it go ahead.

●       Nail Dust Remover/ Mask- Trust me, there will be a lot of nail dust everywhere.

Acrylic Nails Application steps.

Clean your nails- Your body naturally creates oil. Remove all nail polish and overall make them look neat.

File- File your natural nail so that it's in manageable length and then file the top of the nails so that it leaves a little rough surface. This is to help the fake nails stay longer but be careful and don't over file them.

Cuticles- Now you can put cuticle remover and push your cuticles back, but I like removing them with the drill. If you don't know what cuticles are, they are that thin layer of extra looking skin on the edges of your nails. If you don't remove them. It looks like your nails have grown out and they will make your nails look, well messy.

Fake Nail tips- Make sure to take your time getting the right sizes for each finger. If they are too big, it will cover the skin and your nails will hurt, especially if forcefully removed (I used to laugh at any girl who cried for a broken nail until it happened to me, it hurts really bad).

Nail primer- After your nails are in place put a small layer of nail primer. I usually skip this step and I recommend it, if you are new to the nail game like me.

Acrylic monomer/ powder- Acrylic dish and Nail brush will be needed. Put the brush inside the dish with the monomer. Gentle rub the brush against the glass side to remove excess liquid. Gently place on powder and create a bead and then place on the back end of the nail. Repeat the steps but this time apply the bead on the middle of the nail and then on the tip of the nail. Each time you do this remember to swipe the brush so that I combine gradually and nicely with the fake nail. This takes practice and I mean a lot of practices. You will mess up but don't get discouraged and try again and remember you can always use the electric drill to fix your obvious mistakes. Make sure to apply the mixture fast because it will dry out.

Electric Drill- With the drill you will trim the bumps and undesirable mistakes, then file and buff.    

Overall

It's fun to create the nails I want but it does take practice, and patience. I sometimes take a day to finish a set of nails. I manage to do one hand and I get too tired to do the other one. After they are created the fun part is decorating them. I personally like gel nails because they last longer than regular nail polish. To decorate with gel polish, you will need a UV Nail Light because gel polish only dries under it. I am serious, you can wait 20 years and gel polish will not dry on its own. Now after all these steps you are probably thinking,” I prefer paying for acrylic nails” or “this is too much work.” But let me tell you, you will save money and it's actually very rewarding when you create them on your own. Sure, nails aren't for everyone and with the way beauty trends change there's a good chance acrylic nails will be a thing of the pass. But I still recommend learning to create them. It's a form of art, which helps reduce stress, you save money in the long run (well if you get your nails done regularly), and it's a form of expression. It added a spice of, THIS IS ME, vibes and you get to create something from nothing. Plus, you can also show off your new skill to your friends. If you do decide to learn this skill remember to keep practicing, it's okay to take your time and don't give up. I advocate for this trend because it gives me confidence that I can do anything. I like to express my mood through the colors that I chose and give my personality a voice with the designs I chose. I also ran out of things to do in my time off and when thinking about what to do in my isolated boredom I came to the realization that doing acrylic nails could be fun. I did think of the more common hobbies to pick up like exercising , painting, even writing, but I wanted to challenge myself in a way that those other hobbies couldn't ( I hate running, I paint like a three year old and writing acquired extra focus/ thinking). Creating nails challenge me on a creative artistic level. It also gives me motivation to succeed because doing all that effort for them to come out ugly was not an option. I recommend looking at a lot of videos and overall staying positive. Yes, they will come out looking a bit funky at first and your fingers might feel like they are going to fall off but it's really fun to try. Whether it's this beauty trend or a different one just remember don't let others stop you from expressing your individuality.

Here are a couple of links to some helpful videos:

Acrylic Nails At Home: Step by Step How-To Tutorial

💅🏼Acrylic Nail Tutorial - How To Apply Acrylic For Beginners 🎉📚

DIY Nail Workshop - Acrylic Application

[prorevenge]

Revenge for the boss from hell. 30k+ payable to me, thanks.

Greetings,

I posed this story once before in days past but deleted it in fear legal reasons. I’ve revised it and feel more comfortable sharing. I enjoy the heck out of this blog along with @r-maliciouscompliance and @petty-revenge-stories. I can tell you as a long time lurker this story is worth the read for the most deserved revenge.

TLDR: Boss was a d*ckhead all the time, then insulted me while I was eating lunch with a client in public. I painfully planned and executed a plan to make him pay me over 30,000 dollars as punishment , I was successful.

I worked for this small business IT Consulting firm for seven years. Owned and operated by a person we will call d*ck.

First two years things were fine. Occasionally this guy would take things a little too far, he was just passionate about his opinion and always had to be right, so I’d always give him that. I don’t have to agree but I saw his need and left it at that.

What I started to discover however is the turn over for the company is a couple of years and I began to realize why. The Boss (d*ck), picks one worker and makes it his life’s work to make that person as miserable as possible. I’m guessing the reason, ego purposes?

For months I’d hear him shouting all the time at this one guy. The co-worker after leaving the meeting would go back to his office from where I had a view and I could just see the stress and misery in his face. Till finally I said to him, “what the hell man? He’s always giving you a hard time here lately, what did you do?”

He didn’t seem to know. He confided in me right there the level of hell he’s in and some of the things d*ck has said or done. I couldn’t believe some of the details he shared on what d*ck both said and did. I felt things were embellished because people just don’t do some of the things he said. I would realize much later he was telling the truth as crazy as it sounded.

A few months later he finally found another job and left. I talk to him couple times a year and he always said it was the best choice in his life he ever made.

d*ck’s sights then narrowed on to me. I can take a lot. So for the next five years I took it. He would insult me pretty much every day, each day more and more colorful. I didn’t really care or take it home with me so it wasn’t a problem for me, for d*ck I would learn it was.

Unrelated, five years in I put in my notice because he asked me to get a couple certifications and if I did he would take care of me. Once I did what was requested he backed out of the agreement and played coy. Once he received my notice a couple months later he called me up within a minute, begged me to stay. It’s important to note he only asked for two certifications, I not only obtained those but an addional fourteen on top of that. Each time he would tell me “Great job, you will be well taken care of”. He lied 16 times in total on this matter. He matched the offer and increased my Salary up another 15k. Not looking forward to starting a new job I decided to stay.

What I learned is I was a fool to do that and money isn’t everything. Go where you’ll be the most happy. Best life advice I can give after this experience.

He left me alone for a couple months after that, he wasn’t in the office much either. Then a day struck his fancy to start things up again only he ran out of material. My work is solid and he had no opportunity to criticize that.

The only method he had was bashing his ego and sarcasm around but he realized it had no impact on me. Here is a Brief snippet of any given day of what it’s like to be selected as his target. He would communicate a problem he was having in length. Let’s say he complained about his cell phone. After he finished his story you would provide a helpful suggestion or advice from your experience. In turn he would ask with an entitled and sarcastic tone if you were an expert on the matter and wanted to see those credentials. I learn fast, just never speak unless spoken too. Any comment or insult he made I would respond without emotion and just say ok.

Because d*ck wasn’t able to get a rise out of me the old fashioned way he decided to create fictional content for a new direction.

Our small company would go out to eat as a whole, or just order in on Fridays. I ate half my sandwich, and wrapped the remaining to take home. He saw me with leftover food and claimed that I was taking home dinner on his dime. Any time there was any leftover, even a single French fry he’d be there with a magnify glass for inspection to find any conceivable way to yell.

So on Fridays I started packing my lunch, I’d order a beverage and a side. I’d finish the beverage and the side. Then eat what I brought, if I didn’t finish it he had no opportunity. You could see his look of disappointment when he would scan my plate.

This went on a couple weeks, he had no opportunity and couldn’t complain. He realized he failed again. So then he came up with the next item.

The Bathroom. This I actually did a little research on and couldn’t find anything legally I could do. But anytime anyone would use the rest room he would blame me for the smell. Instead of hello when passing in the highway he would say “Did you use spray” or “Did you light a match” as hateful as he could, but that was his normal. It went much deeper than this, more then I care to share. But I honestly believe d*ck has a fetish on this topic which is why I looked in to it legally. It was just always on his mind and a little too important to him, let’s just leave the rest unsaid.

I must have visually tipped him off I didn’t approve of this because he never got bored with it. However I did at least get him to stop asking about if I used spray. Anytime I used the bathroom, even to take a piss I’d use the entire can of air freshener. This wasn’t an easy task as I’d have to mask my face to empty that entire thing. Takes a while surprisingly to empty an entire can in a session. One thing is for certain when I was finished, someone used the “spray” and d*ck was buying a new can. Took about five weeks but I think he figured it out spending so much on spray, he stuck to just asking about matches after that. He even provided them in the bathroom.

One day we were out with a client. The current topic at this moment was “what is your favorite meal? My answer was “hot wings, I could eat those every day!” d*ck jumps in, his comment “Just think how bad the bathroom would smell”. Most at table wouldn’t get the context and direction of that comment, but I knew. He did this in front of a client, in public, while people are eating.

I almost walked out. Then I remembered he drove and it’s a long way back. Plus d*ck is over 60, what kind of person knocks out a senior? I had to chant that in my mind to keep control. I never get pissed but after years this was the last straw! I seriously pleaded with myself all day not to do it because I’d go to jail and he would win.

During this time period he also started playing with my money. Behind 4-5 months with reimbursement, week late on paychecks, stuff like that. You ask where it’s out, he says “next week” you explain he already said that last week, then he’d play coy.

I finished out the day without reacting somehow. Took everything I had but I’m not going to allow this to be unanswered. That was dangerous and too close. If he want’s trouble, I’ll give it to him! I will get even in a lawful way, somehow.

Then the idea came to me that night, did my research and odds were in my favorite that it could work. I’m just going to mirror him until he fires me. When he fires me he will have to pay half my current salary of 65k until I get a new job. You know what? I can live perfectly fine on 32.5k. Why not make him pay out of his pocket 32.5k for everything he had said and done? He would have to pay this over the course of six months or until I found a new job. So my goal was to make him pay me $32,500 to be exact over 6 months as restitution for what he said at that table.

I read up on all the rules in my state for Unemployment. Each state is different. But basically to qualify for it, it can’t be your fault if you were fired. So If I stood there and told him where to put it, that’s a no go. However if I was laid off I would qualify.

So I hit him where it hurt first, his favorite thing in the world is meetings. Because he loves to hear himself talk and take you step by step through his thought process with a noble tone congratulating himself for his thinking and why his way is the best way. So I started speaking up and illustrated a more efficient way that cost less.

He would argue, sometimes red in the face mad. Especially if others in the meeting liked my idea. He knew he was wrong but he would dismiss them and demand it be done his way.

I then started talking about him within ear shot on purpose. I’d say things like “Make sure you perform that d*cks way, takes longer but it’s better than him releasing the Kraken”. It would make everyone laugh, but it wasn’t a direct insult.

Trust me when I say this guy has a massive ego and I was counting on this for pissing him off. I laid it on thick, in time it took its toll. I knew it did because what came next.

His retaliation was the kitchen sink, he had nothing so he started accusing me of things, then playing coy when it came to reviewing the details or facts. He would put words in my month, I’d state he was wrong and then he would tell me I was. All he was doing was opening the door so he could play a revengeful sarcasm game. I know it’s a game so I decided to take his new toy away from him by just going along with whatever it is he said. Which further made him mad because what he was doing had no effect on me.

Fast forward six months, yes I’m STILL working here. But were only receiving a couple calls a day which are fifteen minutes each. This was due to d*ck’s bad business discussions.

While I took delight knowing he was hemorrhaging money for months, I was hoping for a lay off to execute my plan. Nothing. I have to make him want to fire me, it’s the only way. I have to beat him at his own game while providing the illusion he is in control.

So I turned up the heat. I was asked to travel to a client by the 2nd in command. I said “I’m sorry man, I haven’t received reimbursement in six months for travel expenses and I just had my work cell phone service turned off. With the way business is right now things aren’t looking good, I’d be stupid to take on more expenses, and I’m owed over two thousand dollars as it is. Once that’s paid in full I’d be more than happy to continue on a week to week bases after reimbursements”.

That day d*ck had a meeting with me and setup a payment plan to pay the money back. After three weeks it would be paid. So I said to d*ck “understood, after three weeks I’ll be on the road again, cool” just making sure he understood because he wanted to play games and not pay the amount in full d*ck is now going to pay me my salary for three weeks to do nothing until the reimbursement fee is paid.

Guy has a several million dollar house, goes on vacations has a boats, etc. Out of all the things I’ve done so far, this had made the most significant impact. Because I out whit him at his own game, it embarrassed him in the eyes of others. Why? Because the second of command was instructed to drive me anywhere I was needed. So I had my own personal Taxi driver for the few calls we had over the next two weeks. Two weeks he paid two people, me and the admin to drive and watch me work. I was friends with the admin and he knew exactly what I was doing and he loved every second of it.

Then on the third week, three days until the final payment, it happens. d*ck enters my office, and gives me the filmier demeaning dog wave gesture to follow him without speaking. We sit down and he asks me what the problem is?

I told him the problem is he needs a new hobby. In one hand you have someone sitting here that busted his ass for the last seven years, in the other your need to bash someone’s face in the dirt with your ego. The problem with me is I won’t conform and provide both.

He asked for some examples. I said you know what I’m talking about and even if I did review them you’d play coy. He then played coy about being coy, I laughed.

After a pause He said if you feel that way why didn’t you speak to me about it? I reminded him that I did twice and both times you humiliated me for it and said “this is I.T!” What the I.T Career that I’ve done the last twenty years had to do with his ego I’ll never know.

He responded with I’m behind the times, my work has been poor and out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a raise after I demanded it. I responded with Ok.

Then he finally said what I wanted to hear “I want to call it quits”.

I remained professional and communicated I’m sorry things didn’t work out and spent the next two hours reviewing stuff with co-workers on how to handle certain things. I shook his hand with a smile and left without saying anything negative. The fruit of my labor will do the talking for me shortly.

In route on the way home I called family members to tell them the good news. Everyone was so happy for me. It finally happened.

When I arrived home I promptly adjusted the dates on the unemployment forms I had filled out already in wait and submitted them. I called the state and confirmed everything was documented on my end accurately and now it’s the waiting game.

My plan wasn’t realized until my boss receive the letter in the mail about a week later stating he’s going to have shell out my Salary for the next six months or until I found a job.

Panicked at this point he realized what I set him up for. So He claimed he fired me for poor work performance. The state said, ok prove it. In this state it’s the employers’ burden to prove it. My record had no blemishes and he couldn’t use a client because a number of people at any given client would vouch for me and the truth as they all liked me and appreciated my work.

Realizing the shit storm he’s in now I’m told from the admin friend he was on the phone with them quite a while twisting and turning the fake stories out. Bottom line, the state needed to see documented verbal and written warnings, signed so he couldn’t fake them. He called his lawyer and his lawyer told him he’s screwed.

Later my boss told co-workers he felt bad for me that I couldn’t find work and he decided to give unemployment to me to save face of his ego. That made official that his ego was effected, he didn’t want anyone to know the truth. At this point he realized I got the better of him when I fought back and I won, big!

In a last ditch effort he lied about how much I made. The state sent me paper work stating this fact and asked me to prove my salary. So I gave them copies of checks and pay stubs for the last six months. After that things went easy, he was flagged for lying which made the reaming steps effortless the state rep told me.

For the reason I was terminated I said “d*ck the owner made some poor business discussions that impacted the company losing business and clients. He let me go as a business discussion, in his shoes I’d of done the same and understand.”

I wrote it that way for a reason. But d*ck didn’t realize why. I knew what his reaction would be. The state saw a down to earth guy that was honest and understanding on paper. Then they saw d*cks predicted response of being a d*ck, most likely yelling and of course lying. I had no doubt that would seal the deal simply on the evaluation on character before the facts even entered in to it.

His reaction being, his ego had to take it up the ass. Once for failing as a business man, another for me saying so on state paper work, and lastly accepting that I got the better of him and all this time I have been coaxing him to make this move.

The only thing left to do is pay me, every single week. And his money goes to the state first then the state sends it to me, so he can’t play games with my money or the state is coming after him.

Over the next six months I took that time to enjoy myself, pursue hobbies and lived life to the fullest on his dime as a reward for his comment. Once the letter came to renew unemployment, d*ck would no longer have to pay or only a parentage I forget, the important thing to know is tax payers would have to pay after six months not d*ck. So I declined the renewal. Three weeks later I had a new job.

It was either that or knock him out during that lunch, It wasn’t easy, took work but I’m proud of the way I handled it. I feel vindicated, it’s pretty rare the world is balanced, evil often wins. But not this time. This time it cost d*ck, 32,500 dollars to be exact. All in all I can say 10/10 would do it again.

Due to his age I can’t imagine that it would be a humbling experience at this point. But it was for me, money isn’t everything, there is only one thing of true value, your happiness. A year later, I’m very happy now, I enjoy my new job and my new boss. I discovered myself again, who I really am. The goofy friendly guy, my light is no longer dimmed by a dark presence and I can be myself without punishment.

(source) (story by Divine_Squire)

[synkiller82]

Collapse Into Me Chapter 17 - Illustrious

“Stop.”  Gabriel’s harsh voice cut through the low music in the background.  “Are you not taking this event seriously?”

“I’m sorry, Father,” Adrien started, only to be quieted by his father’s hand.

“Don’t be sorry, be better.  Your gait is too wide and fast for the music, your expression leaves something to be desired, and those clothes are still too tight,” Gabriel noted without the slightest hint of emotion.  “You will continue on your diet and start an exercise regimen until they fit properly, and correct yourself immediately. Now, go back and start again.”

Adrien moved to the beginning of the small walkway and waited for the music to start again.  He was trying his best, but this week had been exhausting, and there was still another week before the opening gala and Fall Fashion Week.  After a few more passes, he was finally allowed to change into his regular clothes and instructed to return to Gabriel’s atelier.

Adrien made his way back and stood by the door.  “You wanted to see me, Father?”

“I will be unable to attend the opening gala for Fashion Week.  As the heir of this company, you will take my place next to Nathalie.”  Gabriel looked up from his tablet. “You need to start learning how to run this company, Adrien, not just benefit from it.  As such, you will be shadowing employees from varying departments during your breaks from school in addition to your modeling responsibilities and lessons.”

“Yes, Father,” Adrien replied with resignation.  He had hoped to discuss his future with Gabriel, but Adrien knew the tone in his father’s voice meant there was no room for negotiation.  “May I go?”

Gabriel waved dismissively and turned his attention back to whatever project was on his tablet.

Adrien walked back to his room.  While he didn’t want to be CEO of Gabriel, he should’ve known his dreams and desires wouldn’t be taken into consideration, even if he had voiced them.  His future had been laid out for him the moment he was born, and he was supposed to follow the plan without argument or hesitation. He wouldn’t be surprised if his father had already chosen a wife for him, too.  Adrien just hoped he had a say in who he spent his life with, because there was a beautiful, smart, and compassionate aspiring designer that he was becoming more smitten with every day.

---

The next week flew by for Adrien in a whirlwind of photoshoots, interviews, and practices on top of school, homework, lessons, and Chat duties.  By Friday morning, he felt like a zombie as he made his way to school. He noticed Marinette looking almost as tired as he sat down next to her.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Alya inquired, leaning over her desk to flick Marinette’s messy bun.  “You both look like the walking dead.”

“Give it a rest, Alya,” Marinette groaned as she buried her face in Adrien’s shoulder.  “It’s been a long two weeks and we still have to get through the gala tomorrow.”

“What has kept you so busy, hmm?” Alya continued.  “I thought you were just going as Adrien’s plus 1.”

“I’ve been working with Maurice.” Marinette looked back at her friend with an expression that clearly indicated that she was done with the conversation before resting her head back on Adrien’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Marinette,” Adrien whispered into her hair.  “I didn’t know it would be this stressful on you too, or I wouldn’t--”

“Please stop,” Marinette whispered back, her blue eyes looking up to meet his green ones.  “I want to do this, Adrien. Maurice told me what was going on and I want to help. We will get through tomorrow together, okay?”

Adrien reached for Marinette’s hand, which she had placed on his thigh when he sat down, and brought it up to brush a kiss on her knuckles.  “Sounds perfect, Marinette.”

---

Adrien stood at the entrance to the ballroom at Le Grand Paris, welcoming everyone as they passed.  It was a tedious and boring task, and Adrien could not wait until Marinette arrived.  

“Adrien, you look fabulous,” Audrey Bourgeois complimented, taking in his black tux and white shirt with red bow tie and vest.  “Where is your father?”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Bourgeois, but Father was called away.  Nathalie will be back in a moment if you need to discuss business.” Adrien recited for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Adrichou,” Chloe called, hugging him and giving air kisses.  “You owe me a dance for not bringing me as your date this year.”

Adrien untangled himself from her and the monstrosity that was her yellow ball gown.  “As you wish, Chloe.”

“I saw Dupain-Cheng outside,” Chloe whispered as she leaned in.  “She doesn’t look nearly as good as I do, but she cleans up well enough.”  Before Adrien could respond, Chloe winked and walked off. He shrugged. At least Chloe didn’t completely insult his date.

A few more guests passed before Adrien caught the sight of red in his peripheral.  He turned to greet his date and he was temporarily stunned. Marinette stood in front of him in her dress, her blue-black hair pulled into a waterfall French braid with the ends curling over her shoulders.  Her makeup was subtle, allowing her natural beauty to shine through.

“Evening, Adrien,” Marinette greeted quietly.  “You look great.”

“Not half as good as you do.  You’re positively radiant.” Adrien countered, giving her a chaste kiss on her cheek before offering his arm.  He still had about half an hour before he could leave the door, but Marinette stayed by his side and greeted the press and VIPs as they arrived.

Once Nathalie relieved them, Adrien and Marinette made their way into the ballroom and were pulled into a conversation with a reporter from L’Officiel.   “Adrien, what is the status of the spring collection?  We have been waiting weeks to hear something from Gabriel .”

“The spring collection is a global theme,” Marinette answered.  “ Gabriel currently has designers traveling the globe, taking inspiration from multiple cultures to incorporate into the collection.  I’m sure Mr. Agreste will have a preview ready within the month.”

“Fantastic, Ms.--”

“Dupain-Cheng,” she replied.  “Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

The reporter nodded and thanked them before walking away to her next interview.  Adrien looked over to Marinette. “That was a great answer.”

“I was only repeating what Maurice drilled into my head,” Marinette admitted.  “We weren’t just going over how to eat and walk these past two weeks.”

The couple continued to flit through the room, answering questions and making conversations.  Adrien marveled at how easily Marinette melded into the situation. She exuded confidence, even though he could feel her shaking a bit on his arm.  By the time they sat down to eat, her shaking had calmed.

“I can’t believe the gowns here,” she whispered as they ate.  “This is a designer’s dream come true.”

Adrien quietly smiled and nodded as Marinette went into exuberant detail about which outfits she loved and which she thought should never see the light of day.  He had to admit that she really did make this night not just bearable, but enjoyable. Her enthusiasm was contagious and he was more than willing to be caught up in it.

Soon dinner was over and the chamber orchestra began playing a beautiful waltz.  Adrien held out his hand as he stood from his chair. “May I have this dance?”

“I don’t know, Adrien.”  Marinette bit her lip as she looked from his outstretched hand to the cleared dance floor.  “I’d rather not open up the opportunity to humiliate myself in front of everyone.”

“Do you trust me?”

Marinette looked up and saw a small smirk on his lips.  She had to giggle at his Aladdin reference as she placed her hand in his.  She did trust him, almost as much as she trusted Chat.  

When they reached the dance floor, Adrien moved them into position and Marinette couldn’t help but remember their first dance at Chloe’s party as he led her around the dance floor.  She lost herself in the feeling of their movements and the music, secretly wishing that this could last forever. She tripped a few times, but Adrien was able to counter her each time so no one saw.  

After a few dances, Adrien excused himself to dance with Chloe, and Marinette made her way back to the table to rest.  She jumped when she heard a chair move, and looked up to see Chloe’s mother take a seat next to her.

“So, you’re dating Adrien?”  Audrey started without any fanfare.  “You two seem-” She searched for a word.  “Good, together.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Bourgeois,” Marinette replied, wondering where this conversation was heading.

“I have been keeping an eye on you, and your talent continues to impress me.”  Audrey took a sip from her glass as she looked Marinette over. “My offer is still open for you to come to New York.”

“That is very kind, but I can’t leave Paris.”

Audrey waved her words away.  “Fine. I was going to stay in Paris for a while, anyway.”

“I don’t understand,” Marinette stated, her eyebrows furrowed.  “Why do you need to stay here?”

“I want you to feature in Style Queen as an up and coming designer.”  Audrey stood up. “I want three designs delivered to my suite no later than Friday after next by noon.”

Marinette was practically vibrating when Adrien returned to her.  “Adrien, you won’t believe what just happened.” She grabbed his hand to ground herself.  “Audrey Bourgeois just requested three original designs to feature in her magazine.”

“That’s great, Marinette!” Adrien wrapped her in a tight hug.  “I knew you would turn heads in the fashion world.”

---

The rest of the week went by in a flash for Adrien.  He was absent from school while he attended events throughout the city.  Thankfully, he got to see Marinette every night after he was done so she could drop off his notes and homework.  It wasn’t ideal for either of them, but they cherished the time they got.

Saturday and the fashion show finally arrived.  Adrien was a mix of nervous and excited energy, as this was the last event of the week.  After this and the after-party was done, he could go see Marinette. Well, that was his plan anyway.  He knew he had to get this perfect or his father would probably spend the rest of the night letting him know everything he did wrong.

“Calm down, Kit,” Plagg grumbled from his place on top of the bookshelf.  “You’ll do great and then you can go see Baker Girl.”

“You do know she has a name, right?”  Adrien asked, glancing in the mirror at his kwami.

I know more about her than you think, the tiny cat thought to himself.  He just shrugged.

A knock on Adrien’s dressing room door interrupted their conversation.  He sighed and plastered on his best model smile. It was time to go to work.

Four hours later, he found himself outside the Dupain-Cheng residence, ringing the doorbell.  He heard hurried footsteps drumming down the stairs before the door flew open to reveal a flustered Marinette.

“Adrien, what are you doing here?  I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to come by until tomorrow.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the ground.  “I got done early. I wanted to see if you wanted to get coffee with me.”

She reached out and pulled him inside and into a bear hug.  “Be right back.” She ran back upstairs and a few moments later, was back in front of him with her coat, sliding on her boots.  “Let’s go.”

[gobigorgohome2016]

All the Cliches

When I started writing this post in my head, I was going to title it something like Out of Hibernation, yet make it known that I wasn’t planning to bore you with a 1,300 word soliloquy comparing myself to a Bleeding Heart (which is apparently a Spring perennial and, you know, we’re all about cliches here) blooming through the last remnants of Winter frost.

Then I thought, no, do I really need an intro to tell everyone I’m back on my bullshit after a few steps forward and another step back?  

Then I realized...isn’t running really just the epitome of a giant cliche?  

TL;DR I had a big accomplishment in the fall and thought the momentum would carry over super easily into the Spring.  I ignored some symptoms, realized I was anemic, felt really sad, and now I’m starting to feel like myself again.  aka, the simple, common, cliched journey of every.single.runner.

Even though this experience is the embodiment of what it means to be an endurance athlete, why do we act surprised every single time?  Leading up to Philadelphia, after my year of mystery illness [which, it turns out, had another plot twist.  Remember how I was having a massive immune system reaction and pretty terrible quality of life?  Well, after we found mold in the house the problem went 90% away.  The remaining 10% was still driving me crazy.  Long story short, the installation of a whole-home water filter has returned me to a fully functioning human being.  Hello, my name is Anna and I’m just your local canary in the coal mine] I vowed I would do a better job about just letting life go with the flow and not try to fight the current every step of the way.  I guess I got too big for my britches because - lo and behold - I found myself avoiding what I pretty much knew all along.

After Philadelphia, I took 2 weeks off and really enjoyed my down time.  The highlight was a day trip to French Lick, where Dave and I hit the casino (I won $25), ate all the sweets, shopped, split an amazing kobe beef burger, got day drunk, and took the scenic drive home.  The next day I started running again and, much to my surprise, felt way better than I normally do after two weeks of zero exercise.  This felt like a big win. 

December turned out to be extra crazy, then at the end of January I co-hosted a women’s running retreat, BAnna Camp.  Any fatigue I was feeling during December and January I just chalked up to stress and the typical things you do when you’re in that awkward in-between period from one race to another:  less sleep, less healthy food, less fitness.  

^have to make sure this post never dies

The first day I was in Austin, Becki and I did a workout together.  It was my first “real” workout back (other than some fartleks and strides), and it wasn’t even supposed to be hard:  3 x 7 min @ 6:00 pace.  I STRUGGLED.  I couldn’t breathe, my quads were heavy, and the paces felt much more difficult than they seemed like they should.  But, there were plenty of excuses:  it’s windy, we were running a net uphill, I was dehydrated from travel, I was stressed about the upcoming camp, etc. etc.  Midway through that workout I had a very distinct thought of oh shit, this feels very anemic right now.  That night I texted my friend who would be joining us later in the week and asked her to bring some iron pills, since I had forgotten my supplement.  

The following week my workout didn’t feel great, but again, it was easy to make excuses.  I was on a treadmill.  I was still catching up on sleep from camp.  Maybe I’m more out of shape than I thought. 

Longer efforts didn’t feel great, but I was getting them done.  My paces felt quick, but, winter training never feels amazing.  Plus, it seemed like every workout I did was into a strong wind, so how can you really judge pace and effort?  

In early February, I had my first race of the season which was a 5 miler in downtown Indy.  I had told Dave I was going to hold 5:30 pace for as long as I could and see what happened.  My first mile was 5:54, and Dave said he could hear me breathing before he could see me.  I was 3rd that day in just under 30:00.  Again, there were plenty of excuses.  It was windy.  We had celebrated Valentine’s Day the night before, so maybe steak, lobster, buttered mashed potatoes, and wine wasn’t the best pre-race meal?  

During my sulking about the race I had an aha moment.  In December, prior to realizing we had an issue with our water, I was trying to figure out what was still causing skin rashes and GI issues.  The only thing I was taking every day was ferrous sulfate, which is an iron supplement that is gentle on your stomach but has some suspect ingredients (food colorings, sorbate, etc.).  I decided to switch my supplement (one that had worked for me for YEARS) to something that seemed “cleaner”:  ionic iron.  While I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what could be wrong, it occurred to me to check my iron dosage.  

I was taking ~10% of my normal ferrous sulfate dosage, and honestly don’t even know how absorbable ionic iron even is.  That day I made the switch back to ferrous sulfate, but knew that if my iron/ferritin was low, it would take about 6 weeks before I felt a difference.

If at this point you’re reading along and thinking to yourself, it’s not expensive to just go and get a blood test to find out whether your iron is low - you are absolutely correct.  I should have just scheduled an appointment to take a blood test and find out.  But, I’m stubborn.

Two weeks after my 5 mile race I flew to Atlanta for the Road to Gold, an 8 mile race on the 2020 Olympic Trials course.  This is a whole other post in and of itself, but I will say that the hype is real.  That course is going to be hard.  

While the experience was great, my time was not.  My goal had been to run 5:45 pace through the first 4 miles and then pick up the pace.  While I did go through the first 4 miles in 22:50, just under my goal, I went through the next 4 miles in 24:20ish, and again felt as though I couldn’t breathe.  I finally conceded it was time for a blood test. 

The results were pretty much exactly what I thought they would be:  low ferritin, high CO2 in my blood, and borderline-low Vitamin D.  After weeks of agonizing over whether I was out of shape I finally had an answer (albeit one I should have just figured out sooner).  So, I upped my iron supplement and looked ahead.  

Nowhere to go but up, right?

In the following weeks I paid better attention to meal timing (i.e., if I was having a steak for dinner I wasn’t pairing it with red wine or other iron-inhibiting foods).  I cut out my second cup of coffee in the afternoon so that my body could have a better chance at iron absorption.  I focused more on sleep.  I got back on nutrient tracking to make sure I was getting everything I needed from my diet.  

and it paid off

6 weeks after my miserable 5 mile race where I could barely run faster than 5:58 pace for 5 miles, I ran 1:16:37 in the Carmel half marathon on a less-than-ideal day with rain and wind.  

During race week I cut out all caffeine and red wine to hopefully give my body the extra boost it needed to absorb iron.  I meal prepped early in the week so that I had nutrient-rich options readily available.  I said no to a couple work-related opportunities that popped up in favor of less stress, and I gave myself my best chance to succeed.  

In truth, sometimes setting yourself up for success is scary.  What if you do everything possible and you don’t succeed?  I have seen so many talented athletes give up because they went all in and it didn’t immediately pay off.  But, that’s probably another post for another day, too. 

Come race day we had 15 mph winds, pouring rain, and puddles on the course.  It will sound sarcastic when I say this, but that truly is my favorite racing weather.  Going into the race my A goal (not accounting for weather) was 75 min, B goal 76 min, and C goal 77 min.  My plan was to run the first 10 at 5:45 effort, then see how fast I could go the last 5k.  

Starting off, I was very pleased to find myself in a pack of men and through the first mile around 5:40.  I NEVER trust my GPS, so all splits I give will be those from the course.  I went through 4 miles in 22:50 - the exact same time I went through 4 miles in Atlanta, only this time I felt so much better.  I went through 6.55 (again, as marked on the course, not my GPS) in 37:26 and felt like I really had a chance at sub 75 still.  Through 10 miles I was right at 58 min.  I felt strong for the first time in a long time. 

Around mile 11 I started to get tired, and just focused on getting through 0.5 miles at a time.  T last couple miles were definitely the toughest, as they were mostly uphill/into the wind.  76:38 is my fourth fastest half [74:03, Houston, PERFECT weather; 75:20, ‘17 US championships, goal race full taper, 75:59, Columbus half, 4 weeks out from Philly], and this gives me a lot of encouragement considering some sub-par months of training.    

Now that I am feeling the effects of higher ferritin, I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t a little bit low during my Philly build up.  I have had some of my best long runs and workouts the past couple weeks - ones that would have blown away what I did leading up to Philly.  It also makes sense, given how I felt the last half of my Philly race, that my ferritin may have been low.  Moving forward, I’m going to schedule blood work much more regularly so that I don’t have preventable problems like this occur.  Definitely kicking myself, but, as with all failures in life it was a great opportunity to learn and grow.  

My next race is in 6 weeks and I’ll be at the 25k championships in Grand Rapids.  I’m looking forward to seeing what another 6 weeks of quality training and (hopefully) warmer weather can do for my fitness!  

[huesofthemorning]

Yours Truly, a Friend: Chapter 2

Pairing: NozoEli, NicoEli, eventual NozoNicoEli

Words: 3300

Summary:  Nozomi knows well of friendships lost, but it’s time she learned of friendships gained. A simple letter from thousands of miles away can be the start of everything.

Notes: The next chapter, as requested by several people. I’ll make an attempt to continue and finish this story, but unfortunately I can’t promise anything

Prologue | Chapter 1

Dear Eli,

How’s Japan treating you so far? Two weeks in, and surely you’re a pro already! How is it? Are you finding your way around okay? Has anything exciting happened yet? Are you remembering to take your shoes off when you get inside? That’s important, ya know! As for me, I’m nearing the end of my current project, I’m sad to say. I’ll miss the girls when it’s over. And I guess I’ll have to find a new job, huh? The trials of adulthood never end.

It’s strange, though… I feel like I’m right on the edge of something. The edge of a cliff, perhaps? And it’s a long way down to the bottom, but there’s a bridge I could take… I just have to be brave enough to take that first step. Or maybe I’ve already fallen? Maybe I’ve caught myself on a ledge, unable to move, and there’s a hand reaching out to me from above. Should I take that hand, and risk slipping and falling farther, or should I stay where I am, stuck but safe? Surely the reward for getting out must be far greater than the risk.

What do you think? Have you ever felt this way? Is my imagination getting away from me?

Lots of love,

Nozomi <3

~*~

Eli liked to think of herself as someone who was composed, someone who could adapt flawlessly to any situation with grace. She had cultivated that persona for years, holding her head high and hiding all traces of bewilderment she might feel when the world throws her for a loop. She had mastered the art of it all – or so she had thought.

“I’ve been to Moscow a hundred times,” she muttered under her breath, “I shouldn’t be this lost in a city.”

Eli glared at the gps on her phone, then spun in a circle and glared at the buildings surrounding her. People pushed past her on all sides, chattering away; cars flew down the road; even the wind whistling through the tall buildings was deafening. It near overwhelmed Eli, and the knowledge that this was a quiet time of day terrified her.

Already, Eli was missing her quiet life in her small Russian village. Sure, there was nothing to do there, and she had long grown tired of seeing the same faces day in and day out, but at least she could breathe. Even when she managed to find her way back to her apartment, she wouldn’t be able to block out the noise.

“Oh my god, you’re gorgeous,” a voice said.

Well, Eli wasn’t a quitter – except sometimes, when she was, but that was in the past, and she wasn’t going to be like that anymore – and she was simply going to have to get used to it. She just needed some time, is all.

“Hey, do you have a map?” the voice continued. “Cause I think I’m lost in your eyes.”

“Oh.” Eli finally noticed the young woman standing in front of her. She was short, even for the Japanese, and she wore a bright smile that Eli felt she could trust. What had she said? Everyone spoke so fast here – was it something about being lost? That must be it. “Ah, yes, I’ve gotten a little turned around.  Would you mind giving me directions?”

The woman looked surprised for a moment – had Eli said something wrong? – but she bounced back instantly. “Oh, you’re new here! That’s great! I’m Yazawa Nico, just Nico is fine, and I’ll be your tour guide! I’ll show you alllllllll the wonders of Japan, don’t you worry.”

Nico hooked her arm through Eli’s, who for the first time in years found herself unable to keep up with what was happening, and pulled her down the street.

“So! European, right? You’ve got to be, with those blue eyes. What country? My first guess was France, but you don’t sound French, at least I don’t think so. German maybe? Russian? What other countries are over there… Ukraine? Norway? Chile? Wait, no, that’s one of the Americas, isn’t it? I was never very good with geography. Hey! Have you ever thought about dancing?”

Eli gaped at Nico. What had she gotten herself into? At least Nico’s barrage of questions had been said at a slower pace than before, and once Eli pulled herself together she realized she had managed to understand it all.

“Yes, I’m Russian, but I’m actually more Japanese than Russian, it’s just been a while since I’ve been here…” Fifteen years, to be exact. Eli had planned on coming back sooner, possibly for high school, but life got in the way, and now she barely remembered anything about the country. “And I used to dance, but not anymore.”

“Perfect! I knew it the moment I saw you!” Nico nodded to herself, as if acknowledging what a genius she was. She dragged Eli into a random building, sat her down at a table, disappeared, and returned a few moments later with two steaming cups of something in her hands. Nico moved fast, slipping around people and darting through the crowds, and between watching her and breathing in the smell of coffee that filled the small café, Eli was almost dizzy. She took the cup Nico handed her gratefully.

“I forgot to ask what you like,” Nico said, “so I just got hot chocolate, because who actually likes coffee? I mean, my friend Maki does, but she’s a med student and I think an addiction to coffee is required for graduation, so she doesn’t count. Also, what’s your name?”

“Elizaveta Alexandrovna,” Eli said, sipping her hot chocolate and grimacing as it burned her tongue. Nico gave her a blank stare and Eli sighed. Right. Japan. “Eli in Japanese. Ayase Eli.”

“Cool. What’re you doing in Japan, Eli? Visiting? Moving?”

“Moving. I graduated university a year ago, but I couldn’t find any interesting work back home, so I thought I’d try here. Plus…” Eli hesitated a moment, then continued on. “I have a friend here, we’ve been sending each other letters for years, and it’d be nice to finally meet in person.”

“What, you two were pen pals or something?” Nico scoffed at the idea. “That’s stupid. This is the twenty-first century, we have phones and webcams. Use those and you can find out someone’s abandoned you after a week, instead of waiting 3 months for a letter that will never come.”

“What?”

“Anyway!” The odd darkness that had clouded Nico’s eyes vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and she was back to her sunny and dazzling self an instant later. “When are you going to meet this mystery friend of yours?”

“I don’t know… We haven’t really talked about it yet.”

“Seriously? Come on! How long have you two been friends?”

“About ten years.”

“Ten years! And you’re not racing down the streets to throw yourself in their arms? What kind of friends are you?”

“Well… It’s kinda nerve wracking, isn’t it?” Eli gave a sheepish grin. “I like to think I know her pretty well, but talking in person is a lot different than writing. And what would we do? We’ve never had to… do anything together before.”

“You could see a movie? Go bowling? Go to an arcade? An amusement park? Take a walk through the park? Go to the beach? See touristy stuff? Go-”

“Okay, okay, I get it! There’s lots of things to do!” They laughed together, and Eli felt her nervousness ease, just a little.

They left the café a little while later, Nico leading the way to Eli’s apartment. She pointed out various landmarks that Eli tried her best to commit to memory, and talked nonsense the rest of the time. Eli had tuned her out by the end of it, which she felt bad about, but it was exhausting going from Japanese class once a week to full immersion with native speakers. She needed a nap.

“And ta-da! Home sweet home, right?” Nico gestured to the apartment building, which Eli was slowly beginning to think of as hers.

“Yes, thank you Nico. You were a great help.” Eli made her way to the door with relief, Nico following a few steps behind.

“So, hey, Eli, you want to go out with me?” Nico asked, and Eli paused on the threshold.

Did she? She supposed it wouldn’t hurt to have another friend here, especially one in the area. Somehow, she got this feeling that hanging around Nico could lead to more trouble than it was worth, with her impulsive actions… but Eli had had fun, and moving to a new country meant taking risks, didn’t it?

“Alright,” Eli decided. “Message me if you want to meet up, then. My job doesn’t start for another couple weeks, so I should be free whenever.”

Nico grinned, raising her hands up in some weird pose. “You got it!”

~*~

Dear Nozomi,

I ran into the oddest person the other day…

Nico’s words kept spinning around in Eli’s mind. There was no doubt about it: the correct course of action was to ask Nozomi to meet up. She couldn’t imagine Nozomi saying no, and surely they would be able to find something to do. Still, there was that fluttering of her heart that came up whenever she read one of Nozomi’s letters, or whenever she looked at that jar slowly filling up with paper stars, and it made her hesitate.

Eli folded the 484th star, finished the letter, and didn’t write anything at all about getting together.

~*~

Eli’s phone buzzed early in the morning, and she groaned as she opened her eyes to sunlight. Buying curtains was moving up in her priority list. A fan, too, she decided, as she spotted the blanket lying on the floor. She had vague memories of kicking it off during the night, unable to deal with the heat. The phone vibrated again, and Eli fumbled through the clutter piled on her night stand until she found it.

11:03 am, the screen read. Not that early, then, and she couldn’t use jet lag as an excuse anymore. Well, she was technically on vacation, so she was allowed to sleep in. Eli yawned and pushed herself into an upright position.  

“It’s your favorite up and coming idol, Nico-Nii!” the message read, “I compleeeeeeeeeeeetely forgot to ask you something important the other day. Think you can find the coffee shop again and meet me there? You won’t regret it, I promise!”

The gps said the café was a 20 minute walk. Eli gave herself an hour to hunt down the place, and prided herself on getting there in 45 minutes. She bought a chocolate latte and sat down at the same table as before. Nico walked in a short while later, looking almost dressed up in her pink blouse and doodle-print skirt. It was a cute look.

“You actually made it!” Nico said, dropping herself in the chair. “I’m surprised. I thought I’d have to rescue you again.”

“I’m not completely hopeless.”

“Yeah? How long did it take you?”

Eli took a sip of her drink instead of answering and ignored Nico’s smirk. “Anyways, what was that important question you had?”

“Oh yeah! You said you knew how to dance, right?”

“I did, but…”

“What about singing? You have any experience with that?”

“Not really, no.”

“Well, that’s fine. Your accent is a bit thick, but your voice is nice, so there shouldn’t be any problems.”

“Wait, problems with what? What are you talking about?”

“My idol group, of course!” Nico said it with such confidence and energy that Eli almost nodded in understanding before she realized that she still had no idea what Nico was talking about.

“Your… idol group? You mean, like a celebrity?”

“Sure. But idols are better, and a whole lot cuter! I’m aiming to be the number one idol in the entire universe! Me and my friend Maki are forming an idol group together. We’re going to debut soon, but we’re looking for one more member first. That’s where you come in!”

“What? Hold on-”

“You said you’re free for a couple weeks, right? That’s plenty of time to catch up on the dance moves, and we’re almost done with the song, and then we can find time to meet outside of work. Of course, once we make it big, we’ll have to practice full time, so don’t get too attached to your job, okay?”

“Wait, wait, I haven’t agreed to anything yet. Why are you picking me for this?”

“Uh, because you’re hot? And you just have that talented look about you, too. I’ve got a sense for this stuff, you know! I can see it now,” Nico said, stars in her eyes, “your face on magazine covers, the headlines crying out about the new foreign star, Ayase Elizabeth-“

“Elizaveta.”

“Same thing?”

“As same as Nico and Nicole.”

“That’s kinda cute, actually.”

Eli sighed heavily. “Nico, I appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested in joining your idol group.”

“Aw, come on. Why not?”

“Because… because I have enough stuff to do right now, and I’m going to like my new job, and I haven’t danced in over eight years and I’m not planning on starting again.”

“Why not?” Nico asked again, and this time she had a more serious look in her eyes. Still, Eli wasn’t about to open up to someone she had just met, new friend or not.

“It’s complicated,” Eli said, and met Nico’s suspicious look with a firm one.

“Well, fine,” Nico decided after a moment. “But you’ll still come with me to meet Maki, right? I told her I was bringing you over, and she’ll make fun of me if I don’t.”

“I suppose that’s fine, just meeting her…” Even as Eli said it, she had a nagging feeling that she should be saying no. The more distance she put between herself and dance, the better, and this was getting to close for comfort.

“Awesome!” Nico jumped out of her chair, full of energy. “Let’s get going then!”

Eli shook her head helplessly and followed Nico out the door. What had she gotten herself into?

“So, our group,” Nico started, leading the way down the street. She grabbed Eli’s hand as they walked, and Eli almost jumped at the contact. Nico didn’t seem to notice. “Right now, we’re thinking of calling our group BiBi. It doesn’t really mean anything, but it sounds pretty cool, right? We’ve got that one song I mentioned mostly done, and I’m writing lyrics for a second one. Maki’s the musician, except she only plays piano, and who’s ever heard of a classical music idol song? No one, that’s who, so I’ve been helping her play around with some fancy music software. It sounded pretty terrible at first, but I think we’ve finally gotten somewhere! And of course, dancing is easy. Maki could use a little more enthusiasm though. She’s kinda bland sometimes.”

“Uh huh,” Eli said, still distracted by Nico’s hand. Was this what friends in Japan did? Hold hands as they walked down the street? She had so much more to learn than she thought. Normally she’d be bothered by it, but… it was kind of nice, actually. For some reason, it made her think of Nozomi. Is this what Nozomi would do, when they finally met up? Eli still felt a pang of regret for her inaction. Next letter, for sure, she would ask.

Nico didn’t let go of Eli’s hand until they reached their destination. She led the way through the building, past classrooms filled with tired looking students. It was Maki’s university, Nico explained. She had gotten permission from the school to use the auditorium for a couple hours every few days, which was much nicer than Nico’s cramped apartment.

“Sounds like she’s already here,” Nico said, hearing the faint music floating down the hallway. They found her at the base of the stage, completely at home on the grand piano, playing like the rest of the world didn’t exist. They listened quietly, Nico with impatience and Eli with awe at the beauty of it. Maki hit the last few notes with a lingering sadness for the end of the song, and the music faded away. She ran her fingers silently over the key before turning around.

“You’re late,” Maki said, throwing Nico an annoyed look before turning to Eli. “And you’re the new member Nico is dragging into this mess?”

“Yes. I mean, no, I’m not joining your group, I just came because Nico wanted me to meet you, or something…” Eli paused, glancing between Nico’s smirk and Maki’s disinterested look. “I’m Ayase Eli, by the way. Your piano playing is marvelous.”

Maki’s whole expression changed at the compliment, mouth dropping open and eyes widening. She forced her surprise into a frown, but she couldn’t hide her red cheeks. She coughed, turning away and playing with a lock of hair. “Er, thanks. I’m Nishikino Maki.”

Nico laughed. “Oh, man, this is going to be fun. Hey, Maki! Why don’t we show Eli our song? Give her a taste of the idol world!”

“Do we have to? I’d rather do singing warm ups first.”

“That’s boring, I don’t want to. Oh, yeah, speaking of boring things – you find a producer yet?”

“How is that boring? We can’t do anything without a producer. And yes, I think so. My friend says she knows someone.”

“Your giiiiiiiiiiiiirlfriend, you mean?”

Maki turned truly red at that, standing up and stomping her foot. “She’s not my girlfriend, stop saying that!”

Nico practically cackled at that, and even Eli wanted to laugh at the childish display, though she hid her smile behind her hand.

“Anyways!” Nico said, setting up the speakers she pulled out of her bag, “let’s do that song.”

“Fine,” Maki growled, “but just one run through. Then we’re doing warm ups.”

“Sure, sure. Whatever you want.” Nico hopped on stage and gave Eli a bright smile. “Here’s the deal, okay? You said you’re not going to dance again, and that’s fine. I’ll respect that. But you didn’t say that you didn’t want to dance again, so I’m guessing that, maybe, deep down, you actually want to keep going. I could be wrong! But if you truly don’t want to dance again – prove it. If you watch us dance, and you don’t feel any urge to join us, then I won’t bug you about it anymore. But if you do feel that urge, if I see you tapping your foot or singing along – you have to join us. Got it?”

The speech was the last thing Eli expected. She would have to join them? If she showed any enjoyment in their performance, she would have to join them? There was a heat growing in her chest, and as she pushed through her shock, Eli realized she was angry. She’d met Nico three days ago; this was their second interaction; how dare Nico try and control her life?  What gave her the right? Eli had quit ballet because she was a failure, through and through, and that was never going to change. She would never be good at dancing. She would never get better. That’s the way it was, and as much as it hurt, it would hurt even more to pretend there was hope. Did she want to keep dancing? Of course she did. Of course. There was nothing she wanted more in the world, and Nico was treating it like a joke. Like Eli was hiding that desire away because she was scared. Like her soul could be bargained with.

Eli glared at Nico, fists clenched, fury burning in her blue eyes – but Nico didn’t back down. And for some reason, once again, Eli thought of Nozomi:

Maybe I’ve already fallen. Maybe I’ve caught myself on a ledge, unable to move, and there’s a hand reaching out to me from above… Surely the reward must be greater than the risk.

Surely the reward…

Have you ever felt this way?

The anger drained out of Eli.

“Alright,” she said softly, collapsing into a front row chair, “You have yourself a deal.”

[a-how-to-guide-to-nothing-blog]

Benthos Chapter One

Chapter One: When I explore Memories

“Breaking News: Election results are in! It certainly has been a close election this year, and most definitely not a calm one. Benthos, please welcome your new president: Mr. Oz Hutchinson”

Guinevere Nolan’s voice was stiff as ever, but she kept talking.  

“The new president elect has many plans for the Precinct Of Benthos, including lowering the categorizing age to 16 and possibly trying to reconnect with the Foras. But here to talk about them -and more-  is Mr. Hutchinson's vice president, Mr. K.C Willow.”

The TV screen switches to Mr. K.C. Willow, but his heavy French accent- which was funny up until now- is drowned out by my thoughts, or rather, my memories.

The first time I heard of the Rebellion- hundreds upon thousands of Americans rebelling against the president at the time. Seeing the wonder in Grandpa Oliver’s eyes as he talked of it.

“The power the people had- we were unstoppable”

Asking what we were rebelling for, and why?

“For freedom, of course. That’s what all rebellions are about- If you think about it”

Being suddenly whisked away by someone- a forgotten someone by now. Looking the Rebellion up and suddenly choosing not to read the article I had chosen, because I wanted to hear it from Grandpa Oliver- a man who had experienced the power of the people. The freedom of the Rebellion- something I’m sure the internet would surely contradict.

I remember talking to Pa about the politics of Benthos.

“An imperfect mix between dictatorship and presidency”

Pa would explain how a ‘president’ would get elected by the people, and then serve in the position for as long as they live, and have unstoppable power. At least, that’s how he would explain it in front of other people. But in private, his rants would go on forever. Pa’s yells would echo through the little condo that we and other families lived in. He would shout about how the government manipulated everyone into thinking that women are disfigured forms of men, like the Ancients. Or how no one- no one would ever think up the mutated system we have now.

The System that says we must surrender our daughters at the age of 17 to become servants. How the President's Cabinet are to sort the girls into two camps, Elegants and Plains. Elegants are to serve as models, celebrities, and the lucky ones are to be bought as trophy wives. Plains, however, are fated to be factory workers, laborers, and medical testis. The women power our country, harsh labor it is, but we are all grateful for it. Both Elegants and Plains are to serve their purpose until the age of 24, where they are to bare a single child that is ripped from their arms as soon as the baby is confirmed to be healthy. Then, the woman are sentenced to death one year later because- according to the government- they have served their purpose. Also, the whole thing is televised. The categorizing of the Elegants and Plains, constantly checking in on the district's new celebrities, even the executions.

And finally, I remember sneaking out of our condo, telling myself that I would never return to a place where I was fated to die. Double, triple checking my backpack. Stepping into dark, unmapped night. I recall my thoughts;

“Where am I going? Will I camp in the woods? No, you can’t survive there. Then where will I go? You’ll have to learn then. To survive, to thrive. Remember, there's a difference.”

The ruffling of leaves halts the rumble of thought that is about to emerge from my brain.

“Wait. What was that? No matter, I need to go back inside anyway, for Pa’s books. There’s a couple I forgot.”

I’m about to go back to my familiar home. Partly because I need those books, but mostly because I’m scared of the unfamiliar dark. While I’m digging through my pack for my keys, I jump. Something has made a sound, I don’t know what it is, but instinctively I respond

“Excuse me?”

Usually I blurt the phrase out at parties, all decked out in silver. A silver dress, earrings, necklace, I even put gray contacts in occasionally. ‘Excuse me’ I say, interrupting the director, or a member of the president's cabinet, or the secretary of somebody else important . When whoever it may be is in the middle of a monologue about whatever it is and I see some real food. Not scallop sashimi or sea urchin, but real food. A burger, fries, and a eunoia (a drink, invented by the president's cabinet back in 2054). The words are said in the most innocent voice as not to anger the powerful men.

But this time, it comes out as a squawk, a desperate cry for help disguised as a polite remark. The something laughs, and while it may sound bubbly and friendly to the untrained ear, it is not. It’s not your typical laugh. It’s one that is forced down upon us to use at parties and social events. It makes girls sound cute and well-liked, anything but bothersome. Good. I’m safe, it’s a girl. Only girls use that laugh. Relaxing, I hear I not-so-feminine-voice.

“Trying to sneak out?”

I tense up, going into fight, flight or freeze mode. Dammit, my body chose freeze. Guess I’m not so safe after all.

“Oh, no need to be scared, I was just doing the same thing”

Scratch that last statement.

“How ‘bout we go together, we’d be better as a team. Plus, I have no idea where I’m going, you?”

I’m so surprised that I don’t even have time to think out what I’m going to say before I say it. 

“The woods, I was thinking I could live off the fat of the land, to quote Steinbeck. Anyway, I was just going inside to get my Pa’s gun.”

All of this is a lie, of course, but it sounds better than: I have no idea where I’m going but at least I have books.  I can’t tell what my possible companion makes of this, their figure hidden by the dark. But all they say is,

“Fat of the land? Steinbeck? I thought girls aren’t supposed to be educated”

I don’t know what it was that set me off, but I started to shake, my mind froze and I felt as if I was drowning. My impending death staring me in the face. I knew how to stop, but I couldn’t, or I wouldn’t. Right there I remembered some very important information: I am a girl, I am to be categorized and will die at 24. There is no escape. I will bear a single child, possibly my only happiness left, that will be torn from me. There is no escape. Then, I will be executed in front of all of Benthos, my child watching his- Oh, please, let it be a boy-  his mother die, right in front of him, without him ever knowing. There is no escape. For the first time, I suppose, I feel real terror, my eyes widen, my thoughts chanting There is no escape. I’m lost in them, until a voice brings me back. I don’t know who it is, but I know this: It’s saying something.

“Hey, hey, I didn’t mean to offend you” They pause. “I’m sorry”

I’m thinking, do I trust this being? They seem nice enough, but safe? I don’t know. The voice is deep but quiet, and while they aren’t necessarily loud, there is some un-human noise that surrounds them. I don’t care, any companion is a good one.  

“It’s ok” I say. I don’t know what made me panic. The excitement? Terror? The sadness of leaving home, however terrible it may be? Or possibly the growing feeling of dread as I approach my 15th birthday. Birthdays are hard to enjoy when you know when you are going to die.

“I’m sorry if I made you freak out.’

As there all for all first encounters, the awkward silence prevails.

‘Do you have a name? I figure if we’re going to run away it’d be best to get to know each other. I’m Jaclyn.”

Says Jaclyn, speaking very fast at this last part. Before I can stop myself, I mutter

“Ramona”

“What? Well,  I heard something of a Mo in there somewhere. Mo, yeah, can you deal with with that, Mo? I smile at the nickname, it appeals to me, more than any other. “Sure” I say into the night.

“Good.” I think they are smiling, it sure sounds like it, that is if smiling has a sound, which I think it does. 

“Meet me here here tomorrow, same time, 10:31 sharp?”

“Got it” I say, smiling.

The next night, I return, not to find Jaclyn, but instead, a note. Without permission, my hands pick it up, and without permission, my eyes read it. Sighing, I go to the address it directs me to. Sector unit: B, Building 1, Housing 7Z .

I’m trusting the note was from Jaclyn, but I’m nervous nevertheless. Sector B makes all of Benthos’ mechanics, weapons included. For all I know, someone could have seen me- a girl- talking to Jaclyn, and is luring me into sector B to die.

[rimalupin]

50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Thank you for tagging me @theempresskaizer & @kakihoden! :D <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Anything fermented. Like, ew. Also brussel sprouts (Then again, I have yet find someone who can cook brussel sprouts “well.” :b)

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Public transit schedules. They’re so darn inconvenient (And yet I’m commuting for the remainder of my uni career. At least I’m saving money..?). -.-’

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I try to make use of my talents, so I’m gonna say no. :b

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Taking (good & worthwhile) risks because I’m always so darn careful so I end up not trying new things sometimes.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I KNOW AND LOVE. <3 Oh, also Emma Watson, Gal Gadot, Shawn Mendes, Tom Holland, and all the other celebs I tend to fangirl about (I can’t name them all rn, haha sorry~. :P).

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Singing all the Disney songs (Which I still do nowadays, haha~.). I would also read books, write my own stories, and act as if I was on a Disney Channel show (I was quite the Disney fangirl back in the day. xD)

7. What is something you’re proud of?: My friends who are just starting college/uni this year. Most of them are already setting up their dorms and getting ready for classes. They’re growing up so fast! :’)

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Dishonesty. I don’t associate with phonies.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I’m a bit of both. Then again, being a follower makes you a kind of leader: you essentially lead people to follow your leader, if that makes sense Okay I’ll shut up about leadership theory sorry y’all. :P

10. What kind of student are/were you?: The diligent one (but people often claim I’m the overachiever even tho I’m not always a straight A student lololol).

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: Ohhhhh yes. This kind of thing has happened to me many times (In like the best ways possible, thankfully.).

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Being alone/left out (Even though “I’m never really alone” ((Which I know I’m not. Hence the “irrational” part of this particular fear/aversion.)).)

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Yup. Plenty of ‘em.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I don’t drink... Yet. My Canadian friends are trying to get me to drink with them since I’m now legal in Canada but I’m scared heeeeeelp. :b I’m usually the wallflower if I don’t know anybody too well at a party. However, if I find people I’m comfortable hanging out with, I’ll stick with their squad throughout the event, talking, eating, dancing and taking pictures/SnapChats to our hearts’ desires~. ^-^

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Nope. I have to get to know the person before I “fall in love” with them, let alone having a crush on them. Which is why the biggest crushes I’ve had were on some of my closest friends. But I’ve never told them because I didn’t want to risk our friendships IDK I’M A NOOB WHEN IT COMES TO LOVEY-DOVEY THINGS. :b

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. <3

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: Neat-freak. Definitely a neat-freak. xD

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: 

Both of these locations are places where I’d have more than enough room to move or think. ^-^

Outdoors: Somewhere near the sea, where I could feel the sand on my toes, hear the waves splashing onto the shore, smell the ocean breeze, and watch the orange sunset glowing along the horizon.

Indoors: An empty practice room. Wooden floors, large mirrors in front of the room, dance barres along the side walls, a few windows displaying the outside world, and a speaker/stereo system perfect for blasting the music around the room.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids atm, but I love working with them! Yes, I’d like kids someday~.

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: I read many books as a wee child. But one book I can clearly remember is Stellaluna. It’s an adorable story about a bat who discovers who she truly is thanks to both her adoptive and biological families (The former being a family of birds and the latter being a family of bats.).

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Fidget spinners. I’m still seeing people freak out about those things. Didn’t the trend die a month or two ago?

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Myspace. *evil laughs despite the fact that I never had a Myspace account* :P Sorry I couldn’t think of anything else bahaha~

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: I mean, I’ve never met MYSME’s 707 IRL, so I’ll stick with him And we can visit his space station, haha~ ^-^

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Act in a theatrical production. I haven’t done theatre in a year and I already miss it. T.T

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I’ll definitely speak my mind if I’m well-versed in the topic and if I’m passionate about it. If I want to present a controversial opinion, I have to be sure that I can articulate my POV eloquently and professionally. I’m also more than willing to listen to the other side, as long as they fully know what they’re talking about (Frankly, I will not take any B.S. if I suspect B.S.).

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: I’m blanking... Yeah, IDK, but I’m pretty sure I got caught up in some kind of dumb fad back in middle school. *shivers b/c I don’t want to relive those years*

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: When I was younger (like elementary/middle school-age), I dreamed of becoming a singer. In order to accomplish that dream, I joined my school and church choirs: however, that turned out to be a pretty toxic experience since almost everyone I was singing with treated every single practice and performance as a singing competition. Like, c’mon you guys: we aren’t on Glee. -.-’

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: Honesty: I admire people who are genuine and true.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): Books (people know I’m a huge bookworm), clothes (b/c I’m usually too lazy/don’t have time to shop for my own clothes, LOLOL), stuffed animals (I’m a child at heart and I love cuddly & cute things), sweets (especially chocolate).

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: 

English is my mother tongue.

I apparently used to speak Tagalog fluently when I was very young, but then I stopped speaking that language once I started preschool; however, I’ve picked up some terms over the years, so I can sort of dissect my parents’ conversations w/ the other adults (”Yes, Mom, I knew that you were talking about my uni stuff with Tita *insert name here*.” :P), plus I’m going to take a Tagalog 101 class in Autumn Quarter, so I’ll (hopefully) learn how to say complete sentences instead of just the names of foods, holidays, and Filipino Folk Dances. xD

I learned Spanish throughout my high school career, so I’m okay in that department even though I haven’t practiced speaking/listening/writing in that language recently. I’m still fluent enough to help my sisters with their Spanish homework, so that’s something. :P

I tried learning some French, Japanese, and Korean through various language learning apps, but to no avail.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Can I choose like a little town instead? Big city: the countryside would be MUCH too quiet for me (Plus I’d be much too tempted to run atop every hill Sound of Music style and start singing at the top of my lungs - which would probably annoy a lot of people, myself included. :P).

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Giles Christophe a.k.a my Midnight Cinderella bias. Ironic, huh? xD <3 Also Jumin Han from MYSME. :P

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I will hide from the spotlight like I’m a friggin vampire unless there’s a damn good reason for me to be under it.

34. Favorite holiday?: CHRISTMAS!!!

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: If I’m in charge of scheduling something, then I MUST have everything carefully planned. If I’m leaving the scheduling to someone else, then I’ll just go with the flow~.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): My first trip to Hawaii: I’d love to explore the islands and swim in its oceans again.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Reading, writing, singing, dancing, listening to music, playing the guitar or ukulele, checking social media (JKJK :P), drawing/arts & crafts (If I’m EXTREMELY bored), playing video games, watching TV/YouTube, exploring places both old and new Yeah, I do too many things, haha~

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: “Mildly useful?” (O.o) I guess the ability to learn things VERY quickly - like, master an activity on the first try. I actually have a friend with that ability, which has allowed him to almost effortlessly master almost every sport he’s ever learned: he’s basically a superhuman and I admire and envy him for his “superpower.” :P <3

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: My age: people think that I’m much younger than I actually am, mostly because of my shorter-than-average height and my baby face. I’m basically an adult stuck in a teenager’s body. xD

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: How to apply the Unit Circle to various math problems eff you precalculus and calculus never again ugggghhhhh.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: My broken heart (JKJK, sort of. :P) I got burned by the metal tip of a very hot glue gun. Thanks to that, I have a tiny scar on my upper right arm.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Does watching playthroughs of horror games through YouTube count?

43. Describe your sense of humor: Clever/witty, sarcastic, sassy. Oftentimes unintentional: jokes will usually come to me naturally through conversation. If we’re close, plenty of embarrassing stories, inside jokes, and horrible puns will be part of our daily doses of humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: I’d want to be born in Canada, mostly because I’ve got a lot of family living up there, plus I’d love to live in a place that isn’t completely messed up rn. #SorryNotSorryAmerica *crosses to the Canadian border like a badass*

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: LOL, WHAT’S A SPORT? :b

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Freshman year of high school. I first moved to my new home that year, so being the new kid sucked for a while, but I eventually made some friends and found more opportunities to grow as a person (through writing and theatre).

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tat. At least I’d have a place to hide it. xD

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Realist. Leaning on the pessimist side. However, I do try to believe that things will get better, that there’ll be more bigger and better opportunities out there, etc. etc.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: That I’m a hardworking and genuine person. Then again, I don’t do well compliments anyway: I’ll definitely blush and stutter and try to hide behind some kind of an object while complimenting you back. xD <3

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I’m often quiet and reserved when I’m meeting new people. Some may think I’m naturally calm and composed, others take it as slightly intimidating. But I’m just quiet because I’m awkward, plus I don’t usually start conversations. :b

Tagging: @princessofwysteria, @sukio-sakamaki, @allforthecrown, @o0w0o, @widzzicles, @rizosrojizos, and anyone who wants to do this! (I would’ve tagged more peeps, but I didn’t know if they had been tagged already. So please join in if you haven’t done this already~.). ^-^ <3

[thebackroadtourist]

How Do You Say Ljubljana?

Ahhh the city of Ljubljana. (lube-lee-aun-a). The land of mystical dragons, beautiful hills and delicious potica. I chose this destination before I learned how to pronounce it. Why? Because curiosity hasn’t killed me yet! Where the hell is Ljubljana? In the country of Slovenia, of course! Not Slovakia. Not Scandinavia. Slovenia. Formerly part of Yugoslavia along with Serbia, Croatia, Montenegro, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Albania. With Slovenia’s population just a quarter of New York City it boosts a rich history filled with castles and World War II bombs sunken beneath the surface….seriously. There’s a story of a man who found a large bomb in his backyard with a metal detector. Slovenia borders Eastern Italy and is just a hop and a skip from Venice, though a place where most tourists don’t consider going. To make matters more interesting for myself I decided to spend two weeks here with a host family…from the internet. www.workaway.info, a site I used in Central America where I spent two weeks living in a small wooden yoga hut with three foreigners and a lot of creepy crawly’s. That story is for another day.

“This could go one of two ways” I thought to myself as I exited the bus and walked into the McDonalds down the street, the meeting place where I would meet my host family for the next two weeks. The mother and her 11 year old daughter waved enthusiastically at me as I scanned the circumference of the fast-food joint, noticing how pretty the working women were behind the counter. My first impression of Ljubljana was “Damn it’s hot.” I was greeted by a scorching 41 degrees celsius, global warming was saying hello to the land of Melania Trump (not joking, she’s from this town).

I was greeted by the broad chested father upon pulling into the dirt driveway located 30 minutes outside Ljubljana’s city center in an agricultural development surrounded by green hills and the faint smell of cow manure. The father, a banker, was big dude - standing 6′6″ weighing in around 220 lbs a former truck driver in the Yugoslavian army in the early 1990′s. Intimidated at first I learned quickly that love and laughter was his default state. His goofy, silly outlook on life and his gift of telling jokes and poking fun at those around him lit the room and made me feel at ease. The caring and animated mother, the blonde-hair and olive oil skinned daughter and the 15 year old amatuer kayaker son took me in as one of their own; a warm welcoming that felt as if I truly belonged there. They fed me delicious home-made bio-dynamic food which often consisted of a meat and a starch; they took me hiking, swimming, kayaking and showed me historical sites and look-out points with stunning views of the countryside. We drank local beer, picked blackberries from their yard each day and stayed up late on their patio to talk - just talk, about anything and everything. They grilled me with questions on the social-political state of America and shared their insights and cultural knowledge on Slovenia and Central Europe as a whole, educating me on things I never knew existed. Their curiosity for my points of view was impressive to me considering Slovenia is a bubble consisting of mostly all white people in one of the safest towns in Europe.

Speaking of living in a bubble. Let me tell you first and foremost - Slovenia is LIT. Free healthcare for all. Free college tuition for all (#debtwho?). Where 33 days of paid vacation is the norm and where nobody works past 40 hours a week. Slovenia is the #1 country in all of Europe to be a child - which was proven by the daughter’s math skills and her fluency in Slovene, French, and English. Slovenia is also the greenest and most environmentally conscious country in the continent. Slovenia - WHAT! I was blown away. So much so that I think I subconsciously had to see for myself. In other words, I was struck by a nasty virus half way through my stay. I think the excess accumulation of sugar, alcohol, dairy and gluten (4 things I rarely consume in the States) had caught up to me, plus having previously been in Spain and Italy where gelato and pasta made up 80% of my daily consumption. *watch for my next blog post about eating foreign foods* By the second day of my sickness the mother became concerned with the pain in my ears so she took me in to see a doctor. What I experienced was something quite unfamiliar: immediate attention, no waiting lines, personal care plus an on-the-spot blood analysis including a full physical, pathological and nuerological examination. 1 hour later I was out of there with my diagnosis and a peace-of-mind. And guess how much I paid. 18 Euros. That’s right, 18. For something that would have cost $150 in the States.

I also got the dentist experience. I had lost my night denture in Barcelona weeks prior so I needed something to protect my teeth against my fierce nighttime grinding. I was just as impressed with the dentist as I had been with the doctor: greeted by warm smiles, immediate care, no waiting lines, and get this….they gave me a second night guard for FREE. Two for the price of one. And the price of 1 was about $100 less than what I would have paid in the states.

The parent’s worked during the day and the older brother had daily kayak practice so each day I hung with the daughter. The parent’s didn’t even vet me - leaving me alone with their daughter in their house less than 24 hours after meeting me in person. Each day was a different activity, funded by her parents. One day we walked to the bus stop and journeyed to the pool, the next day we took the bus to the city center and ate lunch at a local food fair, the next was an indoor waterpark. We even went to an escape room. Other days we stayed in the house and sheltered ourselves from the heat while keeping busy with Yugoslavian monopoly, chess, bridge rummy canasta and tarocks (a confusing German card game). We instantly bonded as if we’d known each other for years. By the end of my stay we had our own inside jokes and even our own dialect. Everything was so easy with this family. They put their full trust in me and treated me as their son. They served me first at the dinner table and covered every meal we ate out with no exceptions. Did I mention the food here? They took me to the best spots, the hole in the wall places that food network lovers would obsess over. My first night there we went to a pizza joint in their local village where the waitress taught me how to say thank-you “Hvala” and please “”Prosim”. Another night was an authentic Serbian spot outside of town unreachable by tourists. The owner was a friend of the family, we took shots of “Qunice” an alcohol that’s apparently illegal in Slovenia, and ate our weight in Serbian bread and sausage. We woke up early one Saturday to eat pogača, a traditional buckwheat pizza with smoked ham. They also fed me the finest of sweets: kremšnita, flancat, apple strudel, potica and pumpkin oil ice cream all traditional in Slovenia.

I often thought of the slogan “Pura Vida” used in Costa Rica, a place I’ve explored twice and love dearly. I can say with confidence that Slovenia can also have that same slogan. Besides, Slovenia has the word “love” in it’s name. From the amount of play and laughter the family shared on a daily basis, to the pesticide-free food, to the local villagers up in the Kranska Gora mountains who cooked us a traditional Slovene meal of buckwheat polenta topped with pork fat, sour milk from their cows and pine-butt water from their trees. It was a magical place, as the father and I scaled up the rocks to the reach a gorgeous waterfall as I drank the crystal clean water from it’s stream. From the beautiful lake of Bled where we swam with the fish to the kayaking trip down the warm transparent stream of a Balkan lake.

To conclude, Slovenia has it all - the scenery, the people, and the food. If you come here do not skip out of what nature has to offer. And bring your own vegetables ;)

[alsharqawy]

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s    

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

💫

Don't ever "hurry to judge ; nor to make any assumptions ;

no matter what"...

Please, I ask you this,

because I (for an example) am "unpredictable" in every way & so is my fate/destiny, as it actually been always, and will continue to be... Therefore, I've learned a lot, to not ever do or think or feel in such a way that made me realize through the experiences that it'd turn the whole fated-specific-situations into an entirely different "mixed-up, foggy" outcome...

💫 May be this is why I've been keeping it all out there, on the table, with all of my cards are being faced-up...

💫

Then I even have brought it with me to that point/level of both:

"Authenticity, Integrity, Honesty and Being-truly"

&

"Letting-it-all-go

and

Creating-anew"

🌟

I

"by the way"

work

as a freelance-

"Writer/Editor/Translator along with all the writings & editing in these languages (Arabic+English+French)

+

"All Inclusive Computing Services"...in which I can apply all of the mentioned above while using the programs that I personally installed on my computer 💻 along with all the windows installation specifications and working professionally on most of the common programs including the "Office suite" & the "Photoshop" of course.... And I have added the services that's relevant to the e-marketing + web-development & such... And that's when I ran by chance to work with one of the famous business leaders in our city (which is also famous for its unique location "on both the River-Nile & the Mid-White-Sea) and on top of all that, its famous Carved/Engraved Wooden Furniture, which I had the chance to work with one of the most popular & successful business-men during the time period of 2008 till February 2012... I worked with several factories & establishments during those years, had many positions in each one of them, specifically in the "exporting department"🏬 till I made enough knowledge, awareness & worldwide connections that could be "way good enough" + my own specialized skills in doing my own work-services to any one who's actually seeking a good & better service than the rest of the nonsense we all witnessed all the time, every where...

That's all good of course, and you may have wondered why have I been transferring myself from one business/work/place to another all the time... And the answer is simply united in all the world🌍 Working for "others" is always draining one's own life' energy...etc... They all are alike, in each country, every where, like a real-life' vampires or something more like it!... Even that 1st one I have ever worked with "my uncle", he's actually the middle son of the only sister to my late father... And that "uncle" turned out to be vicious & has so much weird unexplained hate in his twisted self, to the point "as I remember" he once came to our house to argue with my father about {how rightfully he thinks of himself as he has the right to claim a part of our own"owned" house🏡}, I never forget how angry & sad he caused my father to deeply feel, while my dad was the only one who actually always visited them before & after his sister died & her husband too, my dad never saved his energy in whatsoever as long as it was going to help his nephews & nieces feel better about their lives, in every which way he could...

And although all that contrast & oppositions between such close-humans-relationships ; but that never let any of us down "concerning humanity at least", we (specifically, my father & me) were always up-to-help, without never thinking of any return nor even a "thank you"...

My Dad has passed-over in November 4th 1998, he was my Idol in every way, even though, as a very "rebel" teenager back then before 98 of course, we both were like one & his opposition, with so many arguing situations which all of course been caused by me being...well "me", and he being "his", and with saying "his", I mean a very "idealistic" man who's so compassionate, talented, home&family-oriented with very iconic & still reasonable high standards, modest, down-to-earth human-being!"... That's he being "his".... His birthday was in mid-July (15th) & my mom's in mid October (15th)!  I pray for my father to be in a beautiful better place & resting in peace as I hope for my own self one day, to be all together in the heavenly garden of Aden, and I pray for my mom to be in a good health and to be able to let her worried mind be at ease and care-free as she should very well be in this stage of her life of course, I try & I do help a lot from time to time, if not on a daily basis, indeed... As do my sister as well, my sis is July 31th 1974, single, working as a Doctor Teaching French-literature in the college in the same city, we still all living together, for we already have a home/house of our own, that has 3 floors, my bro (November 3rd 1971) got married & living in the apartment above since 2004, has Jana & Jodie adorable two little angels, he's a Chemist at the Official-Water-Company in the city...

And as I was saying we all (mom, sis & I) have got to be together through this, specially since 2000, when mom had a stroke & moved to be hospitalized in the main "Heart Academy" in the capital city of Cairo, and stayed there for months, and I was forbidden by "her 4 brothers" my uncles, to even go to check on her, ever, they "between themselves & their wives" have considered/announced me as an outsider, since I "in their book" wasn't good enough for their standards & how life should be lived!!!

Because of the way they were "hearing" about me "being me" before that in years!!!

in that mean-time, I was here in my same-old-same-city all alone in the whole house, because my sis did of course go & stay with my mom during the whole time, except for 2 or 3 days to come in here to get something done & go back to mom, while I am still all alone in this house... my bro? You can say I was even loner with my bro at home, than with him not at home at all!

Yes, he's just "being him"!!!

Anyways;

I did "rebel"

as I always do,

but this time in a very different & unexpected way, even from me to me...!...

I (before this rebellion to even begin) was smoking two packs a day, along with pain-killers of very powerful type of course, occasionally drink or smoke weed, both, or not at all,

I just wasn't labeled

nor attached to anything whatsoever...

So, coming in those "testing days" while mom & sis away from me (5 hours car-travel) with no ability to go and see her, I could of course, against all restrictions, I would, but I didn't, because I knew how "caring" mean indeed, than they mistakenly thought they did... for if I ever went there & caused any kind of upset in the atmosphere around my mom, while she's in that very critical condition, they would all "point fingers at me" saying, "he is "meaning I am" wronged in everything and came to make my mom even more ill than she already is & may even cause her to...heaven forbid...! God! Of course, I didn't hand them that satisfaction & just stayed "low", very-unusually-for-my-own-habit "low".... And even did cut-down smoking at once without even noticing any feedback from its own withdrawal-influences & of course, along with whatsoever else that's mainly "bad", for my own health at least & also was a very bog factor of a distraction in a "time" that's just needs a hell of a "fighter", not a "smoker" or another shit... So, I developed everything "good" that's in me, and made it "in deed" out there in the "normal daily life", through at least making the house/home as much as mom would do when she's good as new, so I did it all, I went from a person who don't even make simple fast Sandwich of cheese or any other something, to a person who make a "Cake au chocolat" & a very good one indeed, in each and every morning when mom got home, plus making luch for all of us, and of course I cooked two types of meals as the list of mom's forbidden food on her health was quite long... I made it my job, to just take care of the whole home, basically "mom" and the rest is just as one... every day for 2 years and a half, cleaning, rearranging, cooking, making-errands, taking-care of mom, sis & even my bro... till she got a bit better with keeping on her "med" on due time, and started to get slowly step by step again to make a life on my own for my own... And within a year, I did it, in a very Aquarian way, I became a very artistic hand-writing-designer in the city, making banners by my own bare hands with specific stuff that mold & spark & shine even on its own, with no lights attached to it, not around it... among other advertisements ideas & .... just in 3 or 4 months, I became dealing with the top-business-men & women in the city, without even having an office of my own that they could come by & see it, I worked from home, without a business card, nor a mobile phone, nor any "usual" thing, and they all trusted & dealt with me, on just because I was "being me"... those 3 to 4 month were exactly happening in the winter & spring of the great year of "2003"!!! Only to get a partial "Amnesia" accidentally on 1 sec around 6 or 7 pm on June 12th 2003... I lost a lot of my existing memory back then actually, really, even when my sis came (as they afterwards told me all about what I still not remember at all), when my sis came to visit me at the hospital, I said to her in a very innocent & spontaneous way: "if you just have came 15 minutes earlier; you'd have caught "dad", he was just her & left before you come"!!! AND she just went outside-all-crying....

And the "journey" went on.....

Thanking God in everything & for everything

of which some I know and a lot that I don't, as we all...

💫

Although all of the heartbreaking that I have had my very own large part of, during the very welcoming-heart-open- spontaneous journey of my own way in life...

Through it all ;

along with all the turned-double-face/backstabbing "friends"... And each & every single thing/experience/feeling that you'd actually think of...!

👀

👀

👀

Here

I am

Mahmoud Souliman Alsharqawy

that's my 1st - middle & last name

Born on Jan 26th 1978,

10:30 am (local-time),

Damietta - Dumyat, Egypt.

I really don't know how to be so focused enough to come-up with a specific question that would in its answer open the door for me to a paved road of spontaneity, productivity & prosperity...

I'm just so confused by all that life has already let me go through for all my life, because I have literally been living my life "LIVE" ever since I was just 5 years old... which was the first year I ever worked and began working & continued working ever since, at first it was at my uncle's fashion-factory, they "my family" decided to let me be with him each summer "working", only because they couldn't "handle me, nor my rebel-flowing-energy", I therefore wanted just to be "out & about", no matter what///.... still, I was among the top 3 of my class in school, each year, my overall marks at the finals of every year were all FULL-MARK 200/200. Till the next phase of my life came along & I became so divided on so many varieties of activities & interests that no 24-hours could ever be enough for'em... Practiced Kung-Fu, Gymnastics, Creative-writing {had my own poems in both languages English & Arabic}, Basket-ball, Foot-ball, Swimming, Ping-Pong, and so many other interests/hobbies that all were equally interesting to me & I Aced them all as well...!

Not to mention my ever-lasting-on-going "relationships", world-wide, since the mid-90's through (remember those organizations that were able to let people from all around the world could write to each other, through 1st we send our own info & they compare it to what they have from others & do matching, we wait about 3 weeks or 2 at best to get a letter through the local post-office & all, and see who would be our match is, and gladly write be to her "in my case", and... wait another weeks... I think the organisation named "ICS" & the other organisation was "TransWorld" and both were in Finland as I can recall, I got their address from their own adds in a local popular magazine that was a hit in our country in those days, it was called

"The Youth"  So many great things have happened, in a blink of an eye, in both the 80's & the 90's and suddenly came the 2000 & life just took a whole different turn & a whole different way of turning!!!

💫

As I mentioned before when I fell down on the edge of the sidewalk that we were setting on... with my height 6.1 & without choosing a way of falling as it's all sudden in very fast speed of very short time, and I fell on the back of my right-ear, that thing that is responsible of channeling the fluids from the spine to the brain & also for balance...

I took 2 years in treatment... One year & a half I was re-educating myself from the scratch

"talking & speaking the words that are actually on my mind".... & then 3 years more to remember my own way in living, my skills, my talents...!!!

In the very beginning, after I got home🏡 from the hospital🏥

One night, after midnight,

One of the high-school "sweethearts" when she knew about what happened "she knew from one of the female friends that came and visited me while I was in the hospital laying in bed with those salty-fluids attached in my veins... And when she knew, I was already in the house continued on the medical treatment from one famous doctor specializing in the surgery of the brain and its nerves... And I was working on my "talking" which was so much getting on every sensitive nerve in my already damaged brain... So, that girl 👧 phoned me one night in the very late hours of it... I was setting up on the small sofa that I like, after I turned it around to face the TV 📺 and my headphone 🎧 bugged into the TV so I can watch & hear the voices out loud 🔊 in the MBC 2 movie channel without hurting anyone in the house with any of the noise... So, she called me & after saying hi and how am I feeling during all of this, she noticed that I'm not "being me" at all as she surely could know even on the phone, specially on the phone... So, while she sensed that I'm being hurt deeply inside, for just not being able to speak my mind normally & spontaneously as I have always been... So, without even saying anything about it, she just went from talking with me smoothly in whatever general matter & then into the next, nonstop, with that sense of humor that could actually let me even continue with her in that "life'talk"

&

Continued doing that in every single late-night, for more than 3 to 4 months, as I can remember!

Adding that the entire right-half of my body 🌗 from head-to-toe was hardly feeling anything when touching or even pinching (if I said it right)

And those two very obvious signs "the difficulty in talking & the senseless half of the body" those were just the two obvious signs

about

"me being"

"not me at all"

those two have took over 2 years & 4 months to actually get "better" & then another few years to just be "okay" and as that "doctor" said to me during that last part, he said:

"whatever you do ; do not include (staying-home-till-getting-better) as an option at all & no matter what...

For your real unique treatment is actually during "you being" in living-life-itself... It's always has been the greatest teacher to all & also the most efficient and effective healer of all".

That session was just supposed to be a normal checkup, my mom & sis were inside the the room & setting on the doctor'office-table-chairs that are facing his own main chair, but they're listening to the doctor' as well as me, while I was setting on the side of the Chaslong or what's its proper name?! Anyway, I, during the very first words of his, just put my hand in my pocket & brought-out my cigarettes'box & the lighter and opened it & took a cigarette into between my lips & just lit it up during all the time I was eye-to-eye with him, nodding, not even a blink👀

"mom and sis" could really have a hard/heart-attack, and she both sigh out loud saying my name with a very not believing tone, but the doctor swiftly & smoothly raised his hand ✋ to them while saying "it's okay" and looked at me ; saying "but I'm just concerned if you're a heavy smoker or just occasionally"... In that one moment of pure spontaneity, I actually regained a very important part of my memory, which is "speaking English" and I instantly replied to him saying in English "no, no worries doctor, it's just occasionally & I've been out of it several times as I please when I do, thank you so ; though"

& he in return responded to me with that line I mentioned a bit earlier "about : whatever you do...." he said all those words back to me in "English"

&

The weirdest thing of it

That none of us was even a little surprised by the other... Except of course my poor mom & sis 😂

As life & living go by ; I found myself having spent more than

10 whole years

in life itself

as it is my own completion of the rest of that very treatment!

🔆

& ever since

I've been in & out of jobs

(in which I was working for others)

till I had it

&

got it all over with...

And been on my own,

very very "own",

since March 2012 till this very moment...

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s    

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13lW93YL37I)

[prorevenge]

Revenge for the boss from hell. 30k+ payable to me, thanks.

very long story. TL;DR at the end.

I worked for this small business IT Consulting firm for seven years. Owned and operated by a person we will call Dick.

First two years things were fine. Occasionally this guy would take things a little too far, he was just passionate about his opinion and always had to be right, so I’d always give him that. I don’t have to agree but I saw his need and left it at that.

What I started to discover however is the turn over for the company is a couple of years and I began to realize why. The Boss (Dick), picks one worker and makes it his life’s work to make that person as miserable as possible. I’m guessing the reason, ego purposes?

For months I’d hear him shouting all the time at this one guy. The co-worker after leaving the meeting would go back to his office from where I had a view and I could just see the stress and misery in his face. Till finally I said to him, “what the hell man? He’s always giving you a hard time here lately, what did you do?”

He didn’t seem to know. He confided in me right there the level of hell he’s in and some of the things Dick has said or done. I couldn’t believe some of the details he shared on what Dick both said and did. I felt things were embellished because people just don’t do some of the things he said. I would realize much later he was telling the truth as crazy as it sounded.

A few months later he finally found another job and left. I talk to him couple times a year and he always said it was the best choice in his life he ever made.

Dick’s sights then narrowed on to me. I can take a lot. So for the next five years I took it. He would insult me pretty much every day, each day more and more colorful. I didn’t really care or take it home with me so it wasn’t a problem for me, for Dick I would learn it was.

Unrelated, five years in I put in my notice because he asked me to get a couple certifications and if I did he would take care of me. Once I did what was requested he backed out of the agreement and played coy. Once he received my notice a couple months later he called me up within a minute, begged me to stay. It’s important to note he only asked for two certifications, I not only obtained those but an addional fourteen on top of that. Each time he would tell me “Great job, you will be well taken care of”. He lied 16 times in total on this matter. He matched the offer and increased my Salary up another 15k. Not looking forward to starting a new job I decided to stay.

What I learned is I was a fool to do that and money isn’t everything. Go where you’ll be the most happy. Best life advice I can give after this experience.

He left me alone for a couple months after that, he wasn’t in the office much either. Then a day struck his fancy to start things up again only he ran out of material. My work is solid and he had no opportunity to criticize that.

The only method he had was bashing his ego and sarcasm around but he realized it had no impact on me. Here is a Brief snippet of any given day of what it’s like to be selected as his target. He would communicate a problem he was having in length. Let’s say he complained about his cell phone. After he finished his story you would provide a helpful suggestion or advice from your experience. In turn he would ask with an entitled and sarcastic tone if you were an expert on the matter and wanted to see those credentials. I learn fast, just never speak unless spoken too. Any comment or insult he made I would respond without emotion and just say ok.

Because Dick wasn’t able to get a rise out of me the old fashioned way he decided to create fictional content for a new direction.

Our small company would go out to eat as a whole, or just order in on Fridays. I ate half my sandwich, and wrapped the remaining to take home. He saw me with leftover food and claimed that I was taking home dinner on his dime. Any time there was any leftover, even a single French fry he’d be there with a magnify glass for inspection to find any conceivable way to yell.

So on Fridays I started packing my lunch, I’d order a beverage and a side. I’d finish the beverage and the side. Then eat what I brought, if I didn’t finish it he had no opportunity. You could see his look of disappointment when he would scan my plate.

This went on a couple weeks, he had no opportunity and couldn’t complain. He realized he failed again. So then he came up with the next item.

The Bathroom. This I actually did a little research on and couldn’t find anything legally I could do. But anytime anyone would use the rest room he would blame me for the smell. Instead of hello when passing in the highway he would say “Did you use spray” or “Did you light a match” as hateful as he could, but that was his normal. It went much deeper than this, more then I care to share. But I honestly believe Dick has a fetish on this topic which is why I looked in to it legally. It was just always on his mind and a little too important to him, let’s just leave the rest unsaid.

I must have visually tipped him off I didn’t approve of this because he never got bored with it. However I did at least get him to stop asking about if I used spray. Anytime I used the bathroom, even to take a piss I’d use the entire can of air freshener. This wasn’t an easy task as I’d have to mask my face to empty that entire thing. Takes a while surprisingly to empty an entire can in a session. One thing is for certain when I was finished, someone used the “spray” and Dick was buying a new can. Took about five weeks but I think he figured it out spending so much on spray, he stuck to just asking about matches after that. He even provided them in the bathroom.

One day we were out with a client. The current topic at this moment was “what is your favorite meal? My answer was “hot wings, I could eat those every day!” Dick jumps in, his comment “Just think how bad the bathroom would smell”. Most at table wouldn’t get the context and direction of that comment, but I knew. He did this in front of a client, in public, while people are eating.

I almost walked out. Then I remembered he drove and it’s a long way back. Plus Dick is over 60, what kind of person knocks out a senior? I had to chant that in my mind to keep control. I never get pissed but after years this was the last straw! I seriously pleaded with myself all day not to do it because I’d go to jail and he would win.

During this time period he also started playing with my money. Behind 4-5 months with reimbursement, week late on paychecks, stuff like that. You ask where it’s out, he says “next week” you explain he already said that last week, then he’d play coy.

I finished out the day without reacting somehow. Took everything I had but I’m not going to allow this to be unanswered. That was dangerous and too close. If he want’s trouble, I’ll give it to him! I will get even in a lawful way, somehow.

Then the idea came to me that night, did my research and odds were in my favorite that it could work. I’m just going to mirror him until he fires me. When he fires me he will have to pay half my current salary of 65k until I get a new job. You know what? I can live perfectly fine on 32.5k. Why not make him pay out of his pocket 32.5k for everything he had said and done? He would have to pay this over the course of six months or until I found a new job. So my goal was to make him pay me $32,500 to be exact over 6 months as restitution for what he said at that table.

I read up on all the rules in my state for Unemployment. Each state is different. But basically to qualify for it, it can’t be your fault if you were fired. So If I stood there and told him where to put it, that’s a no go. However if I was laid off I would qualify.

So I hit him where it hurt first, his favorite thing in the world is meetings. Because he loves to hear himself talk and take you step by step through his thought process with a noble tone congratulating himself for his thinking and why his way is the best way. So I started speaking up and illustrated a more efficient way that cost less.

He would argue, sometimes red in the face mad. Especially if others in the meeting liked my idea. He knew he was wrong but he would dismiss them and demand it be done his way.

I then started talking about him within ear shot on purpose. I’d say things like “Make sure you perform that Dicks way, takes longer but it’s better than him releasing the Kraken”. It would make everyone laugh, but it wasn’t a direct insult.

Trust me when I say this guy has a massive ego and I was counting on this for pissing him off. I laid it on thick, in time it took its toll. I knew it did because what came next.

His retaliation was the kitchen sink, he had nothing so he started accusing me of things, then playing coy when it came to reviewing the details or facts. He would put words in my month, I’d state he was wrong and then he would tell me I was. All he was doing was opening the door so he could play a revengeful sarcasm game. I know it’s a game so I decided to take his new toy away from him by just going along with whatever it is he said. Which further made him mad because what he was doing had no effect on me.

Fast forward six months, yes I’m STILL working here. But were only receiving a couple calls a day which are fifteen minutes each. This was due to Dick’s bad business discussions.

While I took delight knowing he was hemorrhaging money for months, I was hoping for a lay off to execute my plan. Nothing. I have to make him want to fire me, it’s the only way. I have to beat him at his own game while providing the illusion he is in control.

So I turned up the heat. I was asked to travel to a client by the 2nd in command. I said “I’m sorry man, I haven’t received reimbursement in six months for travel expenses and I just had my work cell phone service turned off. With the way business is right now things aren’t looking good, I’d be stupid to take on more expenses, and I’m owed over two thousand dollars as it is. Once that’s paid in full I’d be more than happy to continue on a week to week bases after reimbursements”.

That day Dick had a meeting with me and setup a payment plan to pay the money back. After three weeks it would be paid. So I said to Dick “understood, after three weeks I’ll be on the road again, cool” just making sure he understood because he wanted to play games and not pay the amount in full Dick is now going to pay me my salary for three weeks to do nothing until the reimbursement fee is paid.

Guy has a several million dollar house, goes on vacations has a boats, etc. Out of all the things I’ve done so far, this had made the most significant impact. Because I out whit him at his own game, it embarrassed him in the eyes of others. Why? Because the second of command was instructed to drive me anywhere I was needed. So I had my own personal Taxi driver for the few calls we had over the next two weeks. Two weeks he paid two people, me and the admin to drive and watch me work. I was friends with the admin and he knew exactly what I was doing and he loved every second of it.

Then on the third week, three days until the final payment, it happens. Dick enters my office, and gives me the filmier demeaning dog wave gesture to follow him without speaking. We sit down and he asks me what the problem is?

I told him the problem is he needs a new hobby. In one hand you have someone sitting here that busted his ass for the last seven years, in the other your need to bash someone’s face in the dirt with your ego. The problem with me is I won’t conform and provide both.

He asked for some examples. I said you know what I’m talking about and even if I did review them you’d play coy. He then played coy about being coy, I laughed.

After a pause He said if you feel that way why didn’t you speak to me about it? I reminded him that I did twice and both times you humiliated me for it and said “this is I.T!” What the I.T Career that I’ve done the last twenty years had to do with his ego I’ll never know.

He responded with I’m behind the times, my work has been poor and out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a raise after I demanded it. I responded with Ok.

Then he finally said what I wanted to hear “I want to call it quits”.

I remained professional and communicated I’m sorry things didn’t work out and spent the next two hours reviewing stuff with co-workers on how to handle certain things. I shook his hand with a smile and left without saying anything negative. The fruit of my labor will do the talking for me shortly.

In route on the way home I called family members to tell them the good news. Everyone was so happy for me. It finally happened.

When I arrived home I promptly adjusted the dates on the unemployment forms I had filled out already in wait and submitted them. I called the state and confirmed everything was documented on my end accurately and now it’s the waiting game.

My plan wasn’t realized until my boss receive the letter in the mail about a week later stating he’s going to have shell out my Salary for the next six months or until I found a job.

Panicked at this point he realized what I set him up for. So He claimed he fired me for poor work performance. The state said, ok prove it. In this state it’s the employers’ burden to prove it. My record had no blemishes and he couldn’t use a client because a number of people at any given client would vouch for me and the truth as they all liked me and appreciated my work.

Realizing the shit storm he’s in now I’m told from the admin friend he was on the phone with them quite a while twisting and turning the fake stories out. Bottom line, the state needed to see documented verbal and written warnings, signed so he couldn’t fake them. He called his lawyer and his lawyer told him he’s screwed.

Later my boss told co-workers he felt bad for me that I couldn’t find work and he decided to give unemployment to me to save face of his ego. That made official that his ego was effected, he didn’t want anyone to know the truth. At this point he realized I got the better of him when I fought back and I won, big!

In a last ditch effort he lied about how much I made. The state sent me paper work stating this fact and asked me to prove my salary. So I gave them copies of checks and pay stubs for the last six months. After that things went easy, he was flagged for lying which made the reaming steps effortless the state rep told me.

For the reason I was terminated I said “Dick the owner made some poor business discussions that impacted the company losing business and clients. He let me go as a business discussion, in his shoes I’d of done the same and understand.”

I wrote it that way for a reason. But Dick didn’t realize why. I knew what his reaction would be. The state saw a down to earth guy that was honest and understanding on paper. Then they saw Dicks predicted response of being a dick, most likely yelling and of course lying. I had no doubt that would seal the deal simply on the evaluation on character before the facts even entered in to it.

His reaction being, his ego had to take it up the ass. Once for failing as a business man, another for me saying so on state paper work, and lastly accepting that I got the better of him and all this time I have been coaxing him to make this move.

The only thing left to do is pay me, every single week. And his money goes to the state first then the state sends it to me, so he can’t play games with my money or the state is coming after him.

Over the next six months I took that time to enjoy myself, pursue hobbies and lived life to the fullest on his dime as a reward for his comment. Once the letter came to renew unemployment, Dick would no longer have to pay or only a parentage I forget, the important thing to know is tax payers would have to pay after six months not Dick. So I declined the renewal. Three weeks later I had a new job.

It was either that or knock him out during that lunch, It wasn’t easy, took work but I’m proud of the way I handled it. I feel vindicated, it’s pretty rare the world is balanced, evil often wins. But not this time. This time it cost Dick, 32,500 dollars to be exact. All in all I can say 10/10 would do it again.

Due to his age I can’t imagine that it would be a humbling experience at this point. But it was for me, money isn’t everything, there is only one thing of true value, your happiness. A year later, I’m very happy now, I enjoy my new job and my new boss. I discovered myself again, who I really am. The goofy friendly guy, my light is no longer dimmed by a dark presence and I can be myself without punishment.

(source) (story by Divine_Squire)

[juliannajymetz-blog]

Julie Eating Healthy

My birthday may be in the summer and Christmas is in the winter, but my favorite time of year is the fall.

As I a child, a new school year begun each September, and there were new colored pencils, Halloween costumes, jumping in piles of leaves, carving pumpkins and trips to the apple orchard. In high school, there were swim meets, homecoming dances and parades, and back to school shopping. Later in college, there was football Saturdays in Ann Arbor. And every year, there were cool breezes, colorful trees, sweatshirts and jackets, chicken noodle soup, apples, zucchini bread, and the return of favorite television shows. It only gets sweeter in the city, with fashion week, a welcome lull in tourism, the cooling of the subway stations, and marathon season.

Training for this marathon has brought a whole new perspective on New York, and it has made me love this city even more. There are so many things you see when you are up and about the city at 6 am or when you dare to venture away from the avenues where you live and eat and work and play.

Despite what you might believe, anyone really can run a marathon. I know you don’t believe that right now, so instead of convincing you that you can, I’m just going to bribe you, brag a little, and basically get all sentimental about all the great things that running for long distances can bring to your life.

Cupcakes, cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese, chocolate. Whatever food you turn to when you are celebrating or depressed, you can now eat without the worry of gaining weight. Yesterday, I had a giant cookie the size of my head. I literally had to use two hands to eat it. Do I feel guilty about it? Nope? Do I have to skip lunch to compensate for those calories? Nope. I already ran that cookie off this morning.

Sunsets and sunrises. Chances are that you will need to squeeze your runs in early in the morning before everyone is awake or at the end of day, and this means you will witness almost daily sunrises and sunsets. Trust me on this: you will never get sick of a sunrise.

Salt. You know how your doctors are always saying that you need to cut out the salt because it causes heart attacks and high blood pressure? Well, when you sweat profusely for four hours, you lose so much salt that you become in danger of either severe cramping or dehydration. Bring on the potato chips, french fries, and bacon! Shorelines. Maybe it’s because I’m from the Great Lake State, but something about being by water just makes me happy. A lot of great running spots are along the shore, and there is something about the ability to see miles into the distance which helps to clear my head and focus on the future. Plus those cool breezes don’t hurt either.

Eating healthy. I know I already mentioned that you can eat whatever you want, but unless you have the stomach of a rat, you probably won’t be able to eat everything you want all the time. Not if you want to run after eating all that food. Even what I eat the night before a run matters significantly. And so I’ve learned to pick filling, tasty and healthy options before any run over 5 miles. It’s an amazing gift for me to finally understand that a cheeseburger can barely fuel me through a fiver, but whole wheat pasta and vegetables plus a salad with walnuts, blue cheese and apricots can carry me though seventeen.

Dessert for breakfast. Because after rough workouts, your bodies needs calories – and fast – to start repairing and rebuilding muscles, and the best way to refuel is with liquid meals. This morning, I had a strawberry, banana, and vanilla soymilk smoothie with some extra protein powder thrown in.

Discovery and exploration. You might have lived in the same town for twenty years, but when you start running for a marathon, you can’t just run the same three mile loop seven times to get a twenty-miler in. This year, I have run across the Brooklyn, Manhattan, and George Washington bridges. I’ve been through Riverside Park, Battery Park, and Central Park . I’ve seen the Statue of Liberty, run through the South Street Seaport, past the Intrepid Ship, through Columbia University’s campus and pretty much everywhere else in between.

Muscles. I have known about my biceps, quads, calves and a few other muscles well before I started running, but now that I’ve started running I’ve become aware of a whole new set of muscles. Plus all the old muscles I already knew about have become stronger and more ripped than I ever thought possible. Thankfully, running is a lady’s sport and it doesn’t impart big, bulky muscles – just small, hard ones.

Music. Rock, reggae, rap, classical, electronic, indie, emo, alternative, classic rock, country, Motown – whatever it is that moves you to shake your hips, or clap your hands or bop your head, will move you to run, faster, harder and longer than you ever thought possible. And for this, I love my music a million times more. It has become my running buddy, coach and personal cheerleader. I look forward to my long runs, when I always download a few new songs for motivation. Fuel to my fire, if you will.

Sweet dreams. Running exhausts me. Not in the, I’m-so-tired-all-day-that-I-can’t-do-anything way, but in the way that I am asleep minutes after my head hits the pillows. The quality of sleep is deeper and more fulfilling too. When I wake up in the morning, I feel rested and ready for a full day. A good night of sleep is like a weekend getaway, but a month’s worth of good sleep? Like the serenity of a yogi.

Lose yourself. I started running to lose weight, and over twenty pounds were lost. I haven’t missed them since. No matter what your shape, running will make your body look better. It might be better muscle tone in a few troublesome spots, or it might be inches melting off your body. When I set out to lose weight by running, the goal of losing weight became secondary to completing my half marathon. I was no longer obsessing over every bite of food, or worrying about getting in a minimum number of fat burning sessions per week. Everything became about the run, and in turn, I finally was able to lose the weight.

There are many days when I can barely drag myself out of bed to do my morning run. When the only thing that keeps me going is that fact that I’ve already run three miles away from my apartment, and I have no other way to get back home except to run. More than once, I’ve had to stop on the side of the road and have a little cry because the day’s run is so frustrating that I doubt my ability to complete a marathon.

But then there are the days when running is effortless and exhilarating, when my stores of energy seem endless and my strength is downright inhuman. It’s the moments when I’ve run clear across the airport with a huge piece of luggage in my arms and I am startled to realize that I’m not even slightly out of breath. Quite simply, it’s the feeling that anything might be possible and that is the beauty of running a marathon. Because if a slow-poke like myself can do it, who can’t?

[saundrahuff-blog]

A love of history

If you love history, few things are better than going to that place you've read about, and stand in the same place, touch the same thing as someone who you just read about. Standing on a battlefield, knowing that people who believed in something enough to die for, or how are trusting someone that is betting on your life in a battle. You can go to almost anywhere, history is there. Strangely, if you love history, a lot of things are better than being able to say I was there when that happened. During something that will become a turning point in history, living it, watching it happen, you loose the romance. Case in point. I was stationed in Berlin, Germany during the fall of the Berlin Wall. I was in the army, a SPC, assigned to US Command of Berlin. I saw and heard a lot. I saw more than what is taught in books. No one hardly mentions about the uncertainties. I used to joke that it is impossible to get lost in that city. Walk straight until you hit a wall, follow it around until you reach your sector. It was divided into three sections, French, British, American. The Russians built the wall around those three sectors. When the demonstrations started in east block countries, when we watched so many protesters risking their lives to get a chance at freedom, we knew how the Russians were not sure what to do. Ever see an uncertain Russian? Now think. During this time, communications between troops and Russian command wasn't reliable. There was a whole troop of Russians who disappeared. There last command given to them was to attack if things go bad. So, word is give to open the wall. Yay! Great! Where the hell is that Russian troop? No clue? Should we be worried? Yes? Well fuck me sideways with a cactus. Just what the hell do we do now? Wait? That seems good. We knew they were out there. We also knew exactly where their weapons were pointed. If we arm ourselves, will that just provoke the Russians into attacking? Who knew! As soldiers, we were given a list of rules in hopes that it would not create further tension. First, stay away from the breaches in the wall. Stay away from East Berliners coming over to west. O not tell anyone you are an American soldier. Do not participate in anything. Those rules were the best shot we had of not creating tension. But...... Being the fact that most soldiers were in their twenties, yeah, that realistically had no chance of happening. Any of it. I worked in the Generals office. The highest military position. He only answered to Washington. And guess where me and everyone else was that worked in that office? There was no way this was going to happen and me not see it. It was scary. The first ones to walk and drive thru to west side were the bravest people alive. You have to understand what life was like on the east side of that wall. Their version of the KGB was called Stassi. They were everywhere. You didn't say anything bad about the government. You don't know who was listening. It was common for people to never come home. And a fear of asking what happened. Whole families could disappear. If you did come back, it was years later, broken. Their fear was real. There was a definite reason for them to fear. The wall on their side was more than that wall. It was land mines, barbed wires, guards with guns loaded and cocked, dogs trained to kill. To come over either side, you went thru Checkpoint Charlie. You had a pass that was stamped by American, British, French, and Russians. The Russians would count you, if you were in a group. There were cameras everywhere. No attempt to disguise them. They were there, letting everyone know, they can see you do anything and everything. The soldiers were in charge of stop lights. It turned red every time, so they can count you and confirm same amount of people are in that group. Imagine how it was to live that way 24/7. So the ones taking those first steps over had to be the bravest, most scared people ever. But, once that part was over and nothing happened, it became a flood. Families who were separated by the wall would finally see each other again since decades ago. People who had no freedom, finally saw what freedom was. And to be completely honest, it was a fucking party that lasted three months. Beer was cheaper, people bought drinks for everyone. Bars wouldn't charge, at least some of them. It was festival time. Celebrations going on every day, everywhere. How in the hell my office thought we would be able to resist that much temptation is a wonder. I only got caught once. I would like to claim it was accidental, but I would be lying. I got my picture in one of their newspapers, in a big ass crowd. I assumed I was safe because there were hundreds in that picture. But damned if my COL didn't recognize me. When he handed me that paper and asked if I recognized anyone, the words left my mouth even before they hit my brain. Fuck. Thank God this man was a saint. He yelled at me for being so stupid not to notice who was taking pictures. And the next time I was so stupid to get myself on film, he was going to let happen what was threatened. Lesson learned. Lots of things happened in those first three months. Parties. Even the Russians came over and partied. They didn't have a lot of money, so they would "borrow" a tank and drive it to the bars. Now, honestly, seeing a tank parked outside a bar wasn't the scariest thing. It was when those drunk Russians decided to go home with the tank. I will never forget the time I watched a tank drive over cars, medians, everything. It's not something you forget. The damage those things did I think were the reasons our commanders silently let us go. At least our guys weren't driving a tank. And we learned about East German cars. There was only one brand, called a trabount. Spelling could be wrong. But to get one, your parents needed to put your name on a waiting list, pay for it, and wait 30 some odd years to get it. And it broke down a lot. It was also very common to see the streets littered with these cars. The best part was that since they used the crappiest parts, it was light enough that about four people could lift the son of a bitch up and move it to the side of the road. That was weird watching that. Everyone got used to seeing a lot of new and strange things. One of my best memories was when there was a meeting with top commanders of all the battalions, and in the middle of it, sounds of shouting and metal meeting metal. My COL asked what was going on, so I looked out the window. "It's nothing. Just a drunk tank going home." And the meeting continued. It happened that much. But still, that lost Russian troop was a concern. No one knew where they were. So in the back of all our minds was this reality. The party could end in a really bad way. The actual wall did not disappear. So if those soldiers decided to attack, the thought that we were literally trapped and surrounded with no way out was never too far away. Plus, the city of Berlin became a refugee camp. East Berliners didn't trust their government. It could come crashing back down and they would loose their freedom. So there were thousands that left the east and refused to go back. We had to find places for them, food, shelter, and as safe a place as we could find. All of us did. The Americans, French, British, and west Berliners. We saw a lot of people step up and help out with impossible numbers. But together, all of us, we managed. And to listen to them, what they lived thru, the missing family members, the prison camps, the torture. I honestly can't say I would trust them either. So all of that was what was going on. But reading about it, you don't add in about the idiot soldier getting caught being were she shouldn't have. You don't know about the daily fear of where in the hell were those troops. You don't think how commonplace a group of drunk Russians driving a tank home was. You don't know the agony of trying to do normal things at work when every last one of you is hungover. You don't even realize how much it stank from all those shitty East German cars. And tanks. And when that drunk tank ran over cars with people in them, how do you bring that up to the Russians. And during all this, remember the stassies. Once the people realized that this reality and freedom was for forever, they wanted to know what happened to their loved ones. If someone found out someone was a stassi, they would take that person and gather a group together and beat them. No one survived one of those beatings. If they found one of their offices, there would be this huge crowd of very angry people who could tear that building apart. They kept records of who was taken and what happened, so the goal was to find the records. Before they were destroyed. I accidentally walked into one while I was very pregnant with my daughter. It happened so fast. One moment I'm just walking with a friend, and the next I'm in the middle of hundreds of very angry people carrying what ever weapon they had. But as angry as they were, Germans have a love of children that is so wonderful. Once they noticed a pregnant me, they surrounded me and walked me out and gave me some very good advice I didn't need, to go home. I had the quickest route already mapped out in my head and my feet pointed in that direction. I thanked them and followed their advice. Fear is a great motivator. Say what you want, it is. I took my ass home and didn't go anywhere else besides work and back home. But I have a piece of the wall that I actually took from it. I have commemorative books and photos from the ceremonies. I have a cobble stone from checkpoint Charlie. And when someone talks about it, I can tell them the parts that are wrong or missing. But I don't look at any of those as I do something historical that I read about. I've caught myself thinking about how much I would love to have something that came from some historical event. I don't really think of that time as historical, it's more a memory. That distance that is in place when you are engrossed in learning about one event is gone. And sometimes it makes me sad that I can't view that time as I do other events that I study.