#and i havent even had the time to listen to their full album

[nalyra-dreaming]

hello! two things

first, ive been hearing that the show was greenlit many months ago and its confusing me? rolin from the way he spoke at comic con and interviews sounded like they had to rush the teaser and have literally nothing written down yet, just ideas and a lot of talking about music. which makes the official announcement legit. of course just in case rolin was already brainstorming as i said. but if they had months i guess now it is the right time to say "hey actually...", you know? season 2 was renewed so early because eventually they explained it was supposed to be one season, but amc told him "make two actually" and they had to rewrite for more episodes (so thats why assad could do the santiago monologue for his audition). and then they told us afterwards. so why dont tell us now they knew a long time ago? it would be the right time. but in the last interview rolin literally said "this is all bullshit (they were talking about what will happen in season 3) because we havent wrote down ANYTHING yet". so i guess they never lied about the show not being greenlit yet... i mean i cant see it, in months they should already have a full on trailer, not a teaser that rolin said was even rushed. its a confusing piece of information...? i guess when they will start shooting in fall it will include the documentary parts, the ones we saw in the teaser felt more like experimenting with season 3 vibes, "a sort of sneek into a POTENTIAL season 3", quoting rolin. and till then they will do all the music and write scripts and do the auditions. if not, it doesnt make sense. with months available they had the chance to do much more...?

second, (more lighthearted), considering this taylor swift situation (sorry im not a swift listener but i heard there is a feud sort of with lestat? lol?) he didnt have to say justin bieber in that teaser... he had to say TAYLOR SWIFT in hindsight (oh, if rolin knew). just imagine... just imagine. i would love a playful feud between fiction and reality. totally fantastic, in the lines of that vulture article. also like the boys' vought international youtube channel and people in the comments going with it. it would have been mindblowingly hilarious.

Hey!

So I think the season was indeed greenlit for months (I know others knew about it), but they were under gag order, because the focus was on the second season, and they didn't want to take away from it. And, given history, the announcement would have overshadowed it. I think it was a good move.

But in order to have music DONE, and a teaser video?! They have been on this for months. I also think they have been casting, and doing chemistry tests and so on in the meantime. That takes time.

I do believe Rolin when he says he has nothing "written" yet - remembering Sam saying they had only two(!) scripts ready when they started shooting season one, it means that Rolin has a LOT in his head that he then churns out.

As per Justin Bieber... I believe that is a play on an article that happened ages ago, where someone confused Anne Rice with Anne Frank, and Justin Bieber visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. I remember that throwing some waves ... back then (cannot believe the site is still up).

But yeah, I think "The Vampire Lestat" will - maybe has already - breached pop culture beyond fiction... if they really release a double album with music that hits like the first single???? We're in for a ride, baby :))))

[bxngthedoldrums]

a petekey reading of so much (for) stardust

aka you knew i'd do this aka i didnt take four literature classes in college for nothing aka make sure your tinfoil hat is SECURED to your noggin aka dear lord forgive me for committing sins of petekey in the year of 2023

look. i have to do this or i don't deserve this blog. amen

~ love from the other side

okay. yea, immediately the "you were the sunshine of my lifetime" thing is sort of sus, because we all know pete wentz and anytime sun or summer is involved it's Something. this is solidified in "summer falling through our fingers again" in verse 2, but it's interesting that he uses "ours" in this lyric bc i feel like recently most of pete's summer lyrics have been pretty self-inflicted. it's impossible to not note the whole "inscribed like stone and faded by the rain" in the bridge v. "the tombstones were waiting" line in bang the doldrums. i shant even elaborate u can pick up what i'm laying down!

~ heartbreak feels so good

i think this song is pretty light on petekey imagery but "light from a screen of messages unsent" kinda reminds me of "some nights it gets so bad i almost pick up the phone" in ginasfs but i could be reaching for Sure. let's be real that's all i do

~ hold me like a grudge

honestly i think this is one of the worst petekey offenders on the album. this one had me gawking at my screen as i read the lyrics. "thaw out my freezer burn feelings for twenty summers" ??? be SERIOUS pete... "part-time soulmate, full-time problem" yeah I GET IT I GET IT !!! the whole thing reeks of 2005 summertime fling

~ fake out

"do you laugh about me whenever i leave?" bonkers ass line,,this reminds me of pete's lj writing in those years after 2005,,,"my mood board is just pictures of you, but i'm not sad anymore" YEAH. this is SO pete holy fuck. that classic wentz obsession,,"we did for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never gonna change" this line's got me on the fuckin FLOOR. also classic pete!!! his perchance for nostalgia is just insane and he really feels it huh

~ heaven, iowa

i dont even know how to get into this one. "kiss my cheek, baby, please/would you read my eulogy?" SICK and TWISTED evil!!! evil!!! "i will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me" jesus h christ the melancholy is off the charts but holy fuck this song is so,,,tender? i dont know wht to say but i know this was written w summer of love intention. i know this in my heart. "scar-crossed lovers, forever" OKAY I KNOW !!! this song is DEVASTATING verse 2 is fucked UP and the bridge is too!!! "closed my eyes inside your darkness and found your glow"???? i cantr og on

~ so good right now

i can't really discern any particularly petekey lyrics in this one right away but the whole "i cut myself down to be whatever you need me to be" is pretty fucking wild

~ i am my own muse

there's some really sad lyrics in this one ab the whole future-not-going-as-planned thing that comes up so frequently in pete's writing but honestly the whole "let's twist the knife again, twist the knife again like we did last summer" thing made my head explode. every lover's got a lil dagger in their hands!!!

~ flu game

im not gonna sit here and type out ths whole fucking song but oh my GOD bro. this song to me is a really nice callback to pete's older style of lyricism but that comes with the self-deprecation and all the other really sad shit. it's beautiful! it's horrible! i love it!!! its about mikey i cant even pul out a few lyrics just LISTEN

~ baby annihilation

another fucked up one that literally anyone else in fob should have vetoed but OKAY?? "time is luck and i wish ours overlapped more or for longer" MAN SHUT UP. "self sabotage at best, under your spell/but you know what they say, if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself" ..........dude. if you're like me and you've poured over pete's oooold lj posts from the mid 2000s you already get it, but if you havent,,,go do it and get back to me bc this is TOO MUHC im unwell. "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" i think i hauve covid

~ the kintsugi kid (ten years)

this song is really fucking sad actually. there's so much fear of being forgotten on this album and it's showcased really beautifully in this song,,,mayhaps not the most obviously petekey song but god damn

~ what a time to be alive

this song's about covid and quarantine n it's pretty easy on the whole suffering from a fling in 2005 thing! good job pete and fob

~ so much (for) stardust

this song is kinda suspicious but there's very few lines that really solidify it as a petekey song,,, altho "i think i've been going through it, and ive been putting your name through it" is a really interesting lyric. and OF COURSE, "in another life, you were my babe/in another life, you were the sunshine of my lifetime" happy xmas war is over

[jokerlennon]

how do i get into the monkees because based on the community of people that blog about them on here it seems to go beyond the usual ‘listen to their albums and read some interviews’? afaik there’s a movie where they play fictionalised versions of themselves? help a girl out wouldya

okay well first of all there is indeed a movie but most importantly theres a tv show. the monkees were originally a fake band for a sitcom where they also play fictionalised versions of themselves (i honestly havent even been listening to the music on its own yet hashtag fake fan....) but there was some batshit stuff going on behind the scenes they were given basically zero autonomy over the music they played (also the drummer didn't even know how to play the drums at first apparently) etc etc i am no monkees expert i couldn't tell you the full extent of All That . i watched head (the movie) first bc i was told it was weird and about performance and trying to rebel and not being able to step out of the role you're playing and being sold as a product and it was indeed about all of that and it was very cool even with the very limited context of All that i had at the time it's a really fun movie .. the show is a sixties sitcom it's not exactly narratively fascinating but it's entertaining enough i am charmed by the constant costume changes and silly effects. and also the implied horrors of it all. i'd say do as i did - start with head (1968) bc it really is very good and then go see if it interests you further from there

[row666]

i want to spend a whole day doing nothing but listening to all of techdog. i want to be alone with nothing but my thoughts and this project.

techdog 1-4 are full of fun rhythms and melodies, that keep lasting longer and longer as the albums progress. when listening to the albums sequentially, you dont really notice the track length increasing. 4’s tracks feel as long as 1’s did, at least in my memories of it.

techdog 5 is where we reach act 2. uncertainty permeates through this album. the tracks become more ambient, and more ominous, hinting at whats to come. despite this, i still hear some hope in the tracks. it ends on a track that reveals what is coming, but i still hear hope through the noise. it ends with a sudden drop, then silence.

6 begins immediately. the first track starts with complete noise. the only constant being a low drone. the track spends over a minute fading out. then we are back to noise.

this album is the first noise music ive enjoyed listening to. i normally get bored by it, but this one showed my that noise music can be interesting to hear. i still feel the idm of techdog 1-4 in the tracks, the origin of these albums being vaguely gestured at through all the sound.

6 ends with a very hopeful track. did we leave the storm? or did we reach the eye? i dont know, and i dont think it matters. we have found a relief from the noise, and we celebrate in triumph. and we end on a happy note.

7 starts in silence. the storm has faded, and we are left. the slight breeze is all that remains. we’re happy to be out of the noise, but we’re left with nothing to focus on, and nothing to do. we cant go back to the start, the fun of 1-4 is many hours behind us now. we are left with nothing.

i dont normally like ambient/drone music. i normally get bored by it. even when trying to use it as background sound to do something else to, i dont really care much for it. i planned to play a game while listening to 7, but as i listened to the first track, i sat there in silence, unable to focus on choosing a game. i was fully focused on nothing but the slight breeze, and i realised i was fine with that. i was doing nothing. normally i tend to push myself into doing something, because otherwise i feel like im not being productive. but for once i was fine with just listening an empty track. there was nothing, and it had my full attention.

after listening to wind for longer than the duration of techdog 1, you get to hear a note. it didnt feel like i was waiting that long. my internal clock was broken by these tracks.

i havent finished 7 yet. i dont have enough time today to listen to it all, but i will soon. out of what ive heard so far, its been amazing. i could probably write a whole essay on just how the radio silence voicemail track made me feel.

i want to hear this full project, in its whole over half a day length, from start to finish, without anything else to do, left with just these albums and my thoughts.

[discoidal]

did you ever listen to the recent fob album? id love to hear your thoughts!

omggg i LOVED so much (for) stardust i have an abundance of thoughts!!

love from the other side is a good opening, i think it's a good song and sets the tone for the rest of the album well plus i love the sound and it gave us "what would you trade the pain for / im not sure" and other cool lyrics. one of the best choruses of the album also imo 8/10

heartbreak feels so good DOES feel pretty damn good no lie i lovee fall out boy cheesiness! 7/10

hold me like a grudge got me like i dont want heartbreak anymore i want to be loved now. the prechorus in this one is sooo addictive so good gets stuck in my head every time. patrick stump gets to sing his heart out i love it ALSO gave us "part time soulmate full time problem" 9/10

fake out understands me like every fob album has that song thats like My song and this is it . it's mine. THEE best chorus. i cant even articulate my feelings fully here. i feel a little cringe listening to it on repeat but thats my business and my business only 10/10

heaven, iowa is one i didnt rlly connect with unfortunately. ehhh 6/10 it sounds good naman and lyrics are good my heart just isn't in it

so good right now WHAT did i say about fall out boy cheese! i <3 mania the album and mania the psychiatric symptom and it shows. 7.5/10

the pink seashell i missed u fob spoken word....

i am my own muse i acc havent listened to this one that much which is a shame and i aim to rectify that immediately. 8.5/10

flu game my FAVORITE song on the entire album! i LITERALLY carved out a place in this world for two but it's empty without you..... also pretty cheesy but earnest and true last night i dreamt i still. knew. yOUUUUUUU!!! 10/10

baby annihilation I MISSED YOU FOB SPOKEN WORD...

the kintsugi kid not many thoughts abt this one actually. lol 6.5/10

what a time to be alive this song makes me soooo depressed you dont even know. 7.5/10 with the caveat that this song is the most likely to make me cry on the album

so much (for) stardust DESERVED title track what a song omfg. 9/10 we thought we had it all!!!! one of fob's best for sure like it is Up There for me. this entire album was so honest and this one is just as honest but more morose and more operatic which i think works WITH not against the rest of the album. optimism's dark underbelly. smth like that ANYWAY. loved.

thank u sm arby for asking this im sure u didnt expect this length but well. i have things i want to say and i thank you for hearing them 🥰

[pnuk-r0ck]

confession time: when ls dunes started releasing music i was just starting to get into trap and metal and other shit and didnt check em out. so. ive only listened to bombsquad and permanent rebellion like. once.

i havent even listened to the full past lives album. but i will. today. ive just had that realization.

YEAH YOU BETTER.

[electrificata]

having music critic thots abt the weeknd im so so sorry

i saw the weeknd in concert last summer, it was amazing. i really dont like stadium shows usually, but his was killer, he had a cool stage concept (gently mad max-ish cult leader and his dancer-disciples, giant inflatable moon) and he's got the presence to fill up all that space. and ive been listening to him for almost a decade, obviously the music's there. actually the show i was at was where he debuted the trailer for the idol. its out now and i havent watched yet. i thought it looked cool then, but after everything ive heard.....im just really ambivalent.

in the early days, when he was keeping mysterious, no press, no photos, you didnt even know if the weeknd was a band or a guy. just this chilly, atmospheric, sleazy/sexy horror-movie r&b. nothing supernatural. but cruel. the lyrics were all about the worst kind of fuckboy shit, and obviously drugs, and the music really seemed to give proper weight to it. the speaker in the songs was awful, the music was telling you that his actions were violent and terrifying for the women he's hurting and for toxic for himself. if youre a person attracted to men, you know what its like to see how awful a guy can be and still be into him, maybe even BECAUSE of how awful he is. thats a fucking horror movie. those first xo eps are crazy, i still listen to them.

then he goes pop star. i remember the collab w/ ariana grande in 2014 was surprising but it found a perfect, plausible midpoint between their two universes. then he goes full max martin in 2015 with "can't feel my face" and again, bizarre to see this plausible way for the prince of darkness to get to the top 40 via a neo-michael jackson jam with a veiled drug reference as opposed to multiple explicit ones. but it made sense! he danced onstage now! i remember hearing it on the radio when i was picking my cousins up from middle school, that felt surreal.

and he just kept on doing the popstar thing. i dont think the sleaze ever really left, it just receded into the background. killer atmosphere, more pop hooks, a general darkness that felt credible coming from him because of the early stuff, its just lit with neon now. he gets increasingly more conceptual, which i love. i love a concept album. its still about fucked up relationships and now death more generally instead of drugs specifically. cool, great. i've been with him the entire time. that brings us up more-or-less to the present.

im not gonna recap all the shit around the idol, if you want it im sure theres an article or youtube video thatll do a better job than i can. ill just summarize my own thoughts: it feels like the sleaze is back, maybe some of the horror, but also Glamour. johnny depp's supermodel daughter has cum on her face. we're seeing headlines about how gross the sex scenes are. look how Glamorous this is. classic showbiz trick of using a cautionary tale about gross men preying on women to just....create images and narratives about gross men preying on women. this might be the place i cant follow him. i cant rule out watching it, i am a habitual hater and i might be in the mood to hate soon. but its making me think about the way we use glamour and beauty in entertainment. it cant be a default, it has an effect on the story.

[butcharyastark]

Speaking of jcs, can I have a rating of the musicals/ different versions?

HOWDY, IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

keep in mind ive only watched a handful of recordings or productions compared to other ppl but i do have Opinions on the ones ive watched. [cracks knuckles] so:

1. biased maybe because i just watched it but the 50th anniversary arena tour (circa early 2023, there have been other castings last year ik but this year's one is the one i love). i had the chance to go see it bc it was in my state this month and its the latest one i've watched but it instantly blew away all the other versions i've seen. just... the great singing of 1996 london cast and great acting of 1973 movie and creative staging like the 2018 live in concert.... it had everything and there was not a single ball dropped or a single bad or even meh actor or song or artistic decision. i am usually not one to rec ppl to go buy a ticket to an event but seeing it was the best intro to musical theater or live performances i could have ever had and AHHHHHH. sm details of this will stay in my mind forever re: jcs i can't pick one thing to deacribe bc it's Everything and i'd be here for two hours if i tried. it has my FAVORITE ending of any jcs production and idk if any other production will compare to the high intensity emotions and poetics and symbolism combined with amazing singing like this one.

2. have to go with 1996 london cast recording. i havent seen it and idk if there are even any bootleg recordings of it, but the album is The jcs album i relisten to. fucking A+++. again, maybe i'm biased bc this was my first full jcs album (as opposed to random songs), but idk if anything else but the 1973 movie studio recording album can compare purely musically to me. i love how you can HEAR the acting in the emotional singing while also not sacrificing the singing itself (looking at you 2000 movie judas), and idk i feel like it so clearly tells the story in the tone even without being able to see it, and that's fantastic. every other jcs production in terms of singing and audible acting gets compared to this one, for me. this is the one i hear in my head when i remember or mentally sing the lyrics.

3. 1973 movie. carl anderson. first official filmed jcs production. 70's outfits. meta narrative. do i need to say anything else? this was my second jcs version i consumed when i Got Into It and man im glad it was. when i first watched it, it seemed kinda just alright (probably bc im not a huge fan of movies from the 70's or 80's), but the further time goes on the more i realize this is kinda just The jcs. the classic jcs. i said 1996 london cast recording is what i compare everything else to musically, but i feel like this version is the one that every other version has to live up to. simple question: is your jcs production better than carl anderson painfully crying out "he won't listen to me!" on a mountain in the desert in a fringe outfit as jesus steps out of a tour bus, yes or no? and most of the time the answer is no.

i'm not a huge fan of older movies but the acting and music in this is top tier, the costuming is fun most of the time, the sets are neat, and the underlying metanarrative about an acting group performing jcs inuniverse for a film or smth is rlly interesting. it's the only other jcs album i have saved in my music folder besides the 1996 london cast recording. 9/10

also as a judas fan this is also the judas i compare every other judas to bc... goddamn carl anderson covers every base. desperation and anger and righteousness and tenderness and pain and bitterness and longing.... he has the range. and honestly it's got my favorite version of Superstar so far. i don't think anyone else has topped carl anderson's version yet.

4. swedish arena tour (idr the year). amazing casting, AMAZING acting, fucking incredible costumes, great singing. the only reason it's this far down this list is bc i prefer other character interpretations, but like, the appeal of bisexual vampy switch jesus who flirts with most of the apostles inbetween his main love interests of biker milf mary magdalene and legolas-in-a-mesh-shirt judas... simply cannot be understated. pretty much every artistic decision is 7 or higher out of 10. it's a very consistently good production, and a very gay one. i like the swedish translated lyrics also.

5. 2000 movie. i think everyone knows by now how bad this one is but it's so campy and jcs is inherently ridiculous as both the appeal and the concept that it loops back around to being good. it's not my fave version but it was my third jcs version and it was honestlly rlly fun to watch. what it lacks in singing, it makes up for in acting. i think Heaven On Their Minds, Everything's Alright, This Jesus Must Die, The Last Supper, and Superstar are the numbers that shine here. i think this movie is actually my favorite versions of everything's alright and this jesus must die. i really like the symbolism they try to use in this one. ik i said i genuinely think the acting makes up for the singing, but this might be higher if judas actually SANG. or if pilate was less sympathetic bc i actually hate this pilate djdjfj this version gets points for being much less antisemitic than other jcs productions with the priests, and then immediately loses them by being noticibly more racist than others in the temple. also my favorite peter is in this one. his acting in the last supper is like 25% of my enjoyment of this version.

6. 2018 live concert. full disclosure, i haven't finished this one yet, but i love it so far. i love the outfits and the staging and the energy and casting. this singing is not my favorite and i'm genuinely not sure if john legend knows how to act or if they just cast him bc he's john legend (i'll find out in the second half ig bc i also didn't like the acting of the 50th anniversary tour jesus in the first half and THEN--) but judas does a good enough version of heaven on their minds which is my main criteria for judging a jcs production in personal likes and i do Love the meta themes of casting a real superstar singer as jesus christ given the themes of the musical. i like the dynamics between judas and mary in this one. i think judas is in the closet in this one which is very sad but his outfits absolutely make up for it. it is a spectacle and a half and i'm enjoying it so far. it might get bumped up to #5 depending on how the second half goes.

7. original concept album. i know it's very weird putting the origin of the whole thing at the bottom, but that's not because it's bad, it's just not smth i'm in love with as a whole. i do need to relisten to it--actually i will do that today--but it was really good the first time i heard it, i'm just not a fan of the sound of early rock and prefer the way various versions adapt the music in progressively more modern times. objectively talented singing tho and heaven on their minds goes OFF. i may have more takes after relistening, but that's it rn.

8. i've listened to a bunch of other tidbits of assorted performances, mostly judas solos, bc as i said, i judge a jcs production by its heaven on their minds performance and i went scouring through classic and modern versions of that at one point. this is not part of the proper ranking bc i haven't listened to them in full, but i wanted to mention them here at the end. if anyone wants a list of my fave recs of that to look into:

original mexican cast (1975)

original japanese cast (1976)

mexican revival cast (1984)

original russian cast (1992)

original czech cast (1994)

jesus christ surferstar (2003)

all female jcs recording (2022)

most of these albums can be found just uploaded on youtube or even spotify which is very cool, please check them out, i had fun skipping thru them.

and uhhhh there's all the versions i've watched in full, or mostly watched, and a few of the ones i've done neither! ik this is very long (longer than i intended) but i hope this is what u were looking for and was entertaining or helpful!!

[daisies-on-a-cup]

deeply deeply sorry it took me 12 billion years to play the game, but here it is!!! my current top 5 no skip albums <33 @brutaliakhoa

151A, by Kishi Bashi- everything in this album is just soooo mesmerizing, truly ethereal. the first song i heard from this album was Manchester and i think it literally rewrote something in my brain... like come ON wdym my favorite part's when i die/ in your arms like a movie/ it's tragic but now the story has its proper end LIKE HELLO???????

Amir, by Tamino- thanks to @dandeeliion and @dustorange who got me into this man's music, he is literally sooo lyrical and such a great storyteller. Amir is my favorite album of his, although i love all of his songs, and i think Tummy and Sun May Shine are my favorites from that album

Landmark, by Hippo Campus- i dont remember where i first heard Monsoon but ohhh my goddd my world changed. it's comforting, it's slow, the album is nostalgic but also youthful and upbeat. Monsoon is esp so different from all the other songs in the album, and is my fav for that reason, but ough its just a very chill album to listen to, it would make a great addition to like a driving in a car in the summer playlist

Citrona, by flipturn- okay time to be like super honest but i havent listened to this whole album. i really liked August and it got me through some harder times in 2022 and it's just kind of become a comfort song to listen to when i need a pick-me-up, so the album gets an honorable mention here

All My Demons Greeting Me as a Friend, by AURORA- okay time to be honest again but this was like peak imagining my fav characters to all of these songs way back when the album came out in 2016. i havent had the album on repeat really since i got over that extreme phase but it's still one of the few albums i actually listened to in full and i really loved it. AURORA is ethereal and her voice is enchanting and she has such a vision with all of her songs- another amazing storyteller and i cant even pick a favorite song from that album because they were all so amazing

[lou-blooms-bitch]

diary entry/vent

its currently 3:44 pm but i just wanted to do this real quick while im here

anyways i havent been the best these last few days, i feel like absolute shit and i just want love really. i feel like im just unlovable and unwanted and ugly and just like im worth fuckin nothing. i feel like im worth the same amount that washer lint is worth. maybe even less than because i really like washer lint, i like lint in general i think its cute. but i just feel like im absolutley nothing and i dont know why. i really just want someone, literally just anyone, to be my person. i want my person, someone who will always be there for me, someone who knows exactly how i feel and how i have to live and shit, someone who understands the levels of pain ive endured and am currently enduring by taking my first waking breath in the mornings. all i want is to just have MY PERSON, a person thats mine and mine only.

away from the depressing shit, the holiday is nice. its very warm. i have a little tan too. i wish i had someone else here with me like emily or something. i feel like my sister doesnt like me.. well no not doesnt like me but just doesnt fuck with me, like we dont have anything in common and we never really talk its just like damn. and shes 10 years older than me so like were very different. sometimes i hear her in my voice, it makes me feel closer to her in a way. but yeah the holiday is nice i just feel very lonely. i also dont feel too great in the head either. i think somethings wrong with my hormones or something, my period is supposed to come soon so that might have a factor in why i feel this way. i wanna sell my uterus. i dont ever want kids because i

dont wanna bring a kid into this shitty world

feel like i would emotionally neglect/abuse them due to my own problems (neglect being i wont be able to actually help them and abuse being my mental instability and my failure to commit to things ie. failing to committing to taking full care of my children or when i get bad mentally and break down i dont wanna have them witness it and/or feel the need that they have to help me)

if i have a girl i dont wanna have to worry about all the shit that happened to me happening to her

i hate hormones. i hate struggling like this every month. it takes such a huge toll on me every time it happens and i know it doesnt last forever but its still there and it still lasts for a short while. i dont want it to be there full stop.

ive been getting more into sabrina carpenter recently, i really like good graces. ive been listening to some taylor swift too, her first album of course. i like our song and picture to burn. i cant relaaaate to desperationnnn.. sorry had to do that god i fucking love espresso i really hope that on the way home i can go to dunkin and get her drink it looks ssoooosososossooso SO good.. need to try it so bad. my twitter oomf also told me to listen to matt maltese, i like tall buildings its a nice little song. not too big on his music tho its not really my style at all but its really cute music. very jazzy vibes, its calming. its like something id hear in a resteraunt or an elevator. two very different things i know but it makes sense to me so idrc

my nails have grown a bit too, theyre all nearly the same length im really happy about it. im just hoping that my index and middle nails grow okay and stuff. those are always the ones i have problems with like them breaking or whatever.

ive been playing plague inc a lot too, its pretty fun. i got the virus level (???? i rlly dont know what to call them) so now i dont have to play with just bacteria anymore so thats good. im hoping to level up again and get to the parasite.. parasites are interesting. the next level is fungus though so that seems cool aswell, i dont know much about fungi apart from that theyre mushrooms

WHEN WERE ON THE PHONE AND U TALJK EREAL SLOW CUZ ITS LATE AND YOUR MAMA DONT KNOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry i like this song but yeah to get to the next plague type (i just read what they were called idk why i thought theyd have some fuckin level name theyre straight up just called plague types lol) i need to kill the world on either normal mode or brutal mode which so far has not been too good to me.. last night i tried to kill the world and i got SO CLOSE but get this i wiped out greenland BUT PUNY LITTLE FUCKING ICELAND HAD NOT A SINGLE INFECTED PERSON !!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME ??!??!?!?! god that was so annoying. and then the second round i did people died quicker than they were being infected so it eventually just died out. so annoying. at least i have something to do in this game tho.. im embarassed to admit but i never knew you could unlock them all by just playing on normal difficulty. i only ever played casual lol.

well im gonna go i dont have much else to yap about. im really sad though. i just want a lover, someone who can hold me and just tell me its gonna be okay. i guess i could hold myself and tell myself itll be okay but its just not the same. i cant trust my own words if i cant trust my own thoughts. its awful. god if youre a real one youll send a lover my way.

well bye i feel sad

[72000]

idk how to even look at my "profile" anymore

I lied when i said i would post more art here. I didnt really, and i havent, really. I still do prints, I still do music. I sometimes do videos. I post on instagram to the two people who love me and see them in person first. https://www.instagram.com/d722220

instead i will throw 200 words you.

I have decided to listen thru all of Prince's discography. I've fallen in love with every single one so far (For You, Prince, Dirty Mind, Controversy, 1999, Purple Rain, Around the World in a Day) EXCEPT for Parade. still revisiting but its not grabbing like the others did. I did not like Dirty Mind at first. I also didnt care for Around the World in a Day, but both i have come full circle on. Particularly ATWIAD. I am now in love with them and Do Me, Baby is a perfect song. It's funny to think (and read) that people weren't crazy at ATWIAD when it came out and last 3 songs are an incredible run (Pop Life, The Ladder, Temptation). It is also over started how Purple Rain is a 10/10 perfect album but let me be the 249,406 person to tell you that it's a perfect album. I was moved to tears on the first listen. Very few albums have done that (Kate Bush Hounds of Love being an example duh). Decided to take on this task on a whim and I'm so in love.

I had also decided to revisit and continue listening through Alan Vega's discography. Once again, 10 years ago when i first heard Just a Million Dreams i HATED IT. a lot. its so vastly different from anything Suicide related, and though you could say the same for the first few Vega solo albums, something about JAMD irked me. I even liked Saturn Drive more. I revisited it last week and only days later drove to the record shop to buy it, I NEEDED IT. it's really fucked up he could start as protopunk protoindustrial w Suicide then do rockabilly (S/T - collision Drive) dance pop and dance rock, then go totally avant garde(?) once you hit Deuce Avenue. it's still dance oriented but not in the same way Saturn Drive and JAMD are.

I cannot lie I love dance music. I also picked up Sheila E. " The Glamourous Life" and Nik Kershaw "Human Racing". I love dance music. The last haul was Toni Braxton first album (s/t ?) and The Time s/t.

Other than that I've slowly been working my way through Dean Blunt discography. (pattern?) I made it through Jill Scott Herring OST and Narcissist II but once I hit The Redeemer something in me knew I liked it but I couldnt articulate why. Still kinda can't tbh. after the 3rd listen it finally clicked and I "got it". The only thing I didn't care for up to this point is the last song Gass on Babyfather. I've only made it up to Walhalla. I'd always seen BLACK METAL be a topic of discussion any time his name is brought up but The Redeemer is the one I come back to the most. time will tell.

The funny thing is i live alone and have been for almost a year now and normally I would come home and throw 1000 words at my then roommate about what I'd been listening to and what I thought. Now that I can't do that maybe I'll bring it here. maybe I won't. maybe I'll delete this out of some sort of weird humility and temporary attempt at pretending to be elusive ?

I keep track of full albums I listen to on a monthly basis a la Topsters so maybe I'll start posting them here. Nobody will see this and I feel like posting them to twitter is a little to revealing. I've been kinda showing my ass lately.

how many words was that ?

9/25/23

[heonie-ween]

.

[cosmicallyavg]

my thoughts on seeing coldplay last night:

very fun, overall good vibes, good visuals, good setlist

opening act was good, have never listened to H.E.R. but i might try to listen to some of her stuff after the fact

disgustingly hot, have never sweat that much in my life, when the band came on stage for the first time they were drenched in sweat just the same as everyone else and the show hadnt even started. props to them for doing a whole 2 hour set in 100 degree heat

speaking of, the actual show didn't start until like 9:15 even though it was supposed to be 7, opening act came on at like 7:30 and was done by 8. so that's a whole dang hour of waiting for the actual show to start 😩 maybe they were just waiting for it to be completely dark?? but it still sucked

the crowd did the wave a couple of times while we were waiting tho which is always a good time

higher power as the opening song was literally so cool? hearing the intro immediately gets the adrenaline going

chris messed up the words to adventure of a lifetime

enjoyed having the light up wristbands, haven't been to a show that had them before this and it was very fun and pretty

i liked having the bouncy ball/balloon things that was fun

the bikes and kinetic floor concept was cool, people were on the bikes all night which was surprising!! glad they're trying to make more sustainable entertainment

while the overall visuals were good, they did clocks dirty. easily the worst visuals of the night. such a banger and i didn't enjoy the performance of it 😶

there were so many points throughout the show where me and one other lady were the only ones standing in our section like people only stood for the popular songs what the Heck

like genuinely no one knew any songs from the new album except my universe and half of it isnt even english

literally NO ONE knew people of the pride and its literally such a lit song??? the visuals for that one were amazing 

i kept bumping into the guy next to me (i tried not to, and kept saying sorry) but he eventually got fed up with me and made his wife stand next to me instead 💀

someone asked to propose while the band was on the cstage and it was awkward but cute ig (chris politely told them to hurry up bc they were on a schedule)

chris dedicated sparks to a 9 year old girl in the audience at the cstage... why would you dedicate a sad song to someone like that bro 💀

we got a special song that they wrote specifically for our tour date about the pirate ship in the stadium

chris kept going on about "tampa bay tuesday" which was funny 💀 like i bet he came up with that and thought it was hilarious even if no one else in the band did so he just kept saying it

they started sky full of stars but stopped after the first verse and asked us to put our phones away to enjoy the performance (also as a tribute to aviici) and then they restarted it so that was fun

they left the stage as if the show was over after sky full of stars but we knew it wasn't over so the crowd started doing the viva la vida bridge which was fun

during my universe the couple in front of me were being all cute with the video the guy was recording he kept holding her hand and took a video of their wristbands it was cute 😭 me and who

people started leaving before and during the finale song like why you gotta do that

overall very fun but also lowkey miserable because of the heat 💀 i am still recovering

10/10 would recommend seeing coldplay in concert if you havent it was amazing

[geffenrecords]

u should give ME recs of the bands u like

srry i take 4ever but OF COURSE 💪

first of main recommendation 4ever is flatsound I KNOW he has popular stuff but he gets me like no one else my bff since i was like 13. he gets a bit overbearing and a bit like. idk too much occasionally buttttt i pgive him a pass. generally id recommend anything from his 2011 album "i clung to you hoping we'd both drown", GOOD SHIT on there but scotland i wish you had stayed/last minute cycle/four songs for losing you/if we could just pretend/losing intrerest and the trust i had in you r all reallly good. heat death, eight months, computer wound, soap, prayer beads, syrup, old lumina, i lost control, meow meow meow, last minute cycle, im so concerned about the ending that i dont even know the plot, cute stuff like that. theres probably more but thats just off the top of my head. idek. he has some good instrumental albums too :)

speaking of if u like instrumental stuff -> BUCKETHEAD. HIII. hes so funny i love him my fav album by him is colma my mom and dad used to play it in the car all the time and it still makes me cry. i wouldnt say his stuff is lifechanging but i use it for bg drawing noise all the time and its sweet stuff + hes really really fun to watch live and play. cool guy.

be your own pet is. well honestly im not relly sure what they are but they are fun ive only listened to their one album and it wasn't the best but it doesnt need to be. theyre so loud i need like ibuprofen if i ever listen to it full length again but the 2 songs by them i really really like are "stairway to heaven" (not a led zep cover) and "bog" (if my chem did a cover of this it would be unbelievably lifechanging).

megadeth I WILL RECCOMEND TO YOU idk if ur a metal person but uhmm give it a shot ? i dont really know how to say this in a good way so here. i think dave mustaine would really strike a note with you. in some aspects. HES FUNNY WEIRD ! and also hes really all you need yto know about them. they've switched out sm guys just keep him in mind. my fav lineup is peace sells bc chris poland was sweet looking and i just like gar samuelson for no discernable reason. they had a good ass bass player with GOOD ASS basslines but well he fucked that up! i honestly have no idea whos even in the band now. im basic w them i like rust in peace a lot and so far so good so what. they generally have a good few songs every album, enough for you to buy it but id never say theres like. an actual ass album thats like. i like every single song on it forever. SRRY LOL but i do really like his voice. song picks for them would be hook in mouth, 502, into the lungs of hell, honestly anything from rust in peace (ESP dawn patrol), peace sells title track, good mourning/black friday, n whatever else. im not the biggest fan of them but they have some good stuff. first album isnt bad either :o

KITTIE you should try rn. im fake i only listen to their first album but im working on it...lol. a bunch of 14 year old girls who met in highschool gym class and said hey lets make a band and well. it actually turned out super good. theyve also had sooooo many lineup changes idek but listen to the entirety of spit and the title track for until the end.

for a real dumb stupid emo band -> nightmare of you. i STILL ALSO havent listened to their other album but their self titled is very cute lol. theyre sooo fucking cheesy and stupid but theyre so fun. saw a pic of mikeyway with the lead singer once and also i reccomend watching their music vids bc theyre funny as FUCK. songs picks are thumbelina, my name is trouble, why am i always right?, i want to be buried in your backyard, and in the bathroom is where i want you. silly.

one of my favs ever EVANESCENCE. or at least their fallen album )are u noticing a pattern yet). i used to drive around and have that one playing on repeat like literally for weeks straight i luvv her sm. going under, whisper, tourniquet, and imaginary are the top Hits from there.

also im not sure if you want like mcr or fob hits BUT ill give them to you because i have the best ever taste are years of soul bonding with them. mcr hits -> drowning lessons, our lady of sorrows, headfirst for helos, early sunsets, best day ever, CUBICLES, helena, to the ed, not okay, interlude, fashion statement, cemetary drive, i never told you, dead, how i disappear, sharpest lives, i dont love you, famous last words, bulletproof heart, only hope for me, save yourself, SCARECROW, boy division, ambulance, heaven help us, burn bright. fob hits -> grenade jumper, patron saint of liars & fakes, sixteen candles, our lawyer made us change the name, 7 minutes in heaven, get busy living, im like a laywer, HUM HALLELUJAH, golden, after life of the party, youre crashing, ive got all this ringing in my ears, DISLOYAL ORDER, shes my winona, headfirst slide, 27, w.a.m.s and west coast smoker. srry people are about to get on my ass but i dont care very much for their stuff post hiatus. I DONT THINK ITS BAD its just not for me. i listen to it with simone all the time though it has my respect blah blah blah.

okay i hope that waz good enuf for you. have fun <3

[bbboar]

@boogerwookiesugarcookie asked me to answer ALL of the end of year asks so here we go! Thanks Naja!

Going to put it under a readmore bcs long

1.Song of the year? Dream Girl Evil by Florence and the Machine So nice of Miss Florence to make a song thats not only a bop but also specifically the theme song for my oc Hydrangea

2.Album of the year? I don't listen to many full albums but for me it would have to be a tie between Give me the Future by Bastille and Impera by Ghost 3.Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? Ghost 4.Movie of the year? Everything Everywhere All At Once! Like i don't even need to think about it. Unlike anything ive ever seen, so interesting and heartwearming. Excellent performances and costuming 5.TV show of the year? Oh man this one is touh bcs i had 3 shows ive been obsessed with this year…. Our Flag Means Death, Severance or Interview with the Vampire 6.Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? Not defined the year but the best ep of anything ive seen this year was the the season finale ep of Severance. It was so excellent at keeping up the tension for the entirety of the ep. I was pacing and yelling and restless for the full length of it. Just amazing storytelling of everything coming to a head and the editing...my god!!!

7.Favorite actor of the year? I don't care that much about actors to have a fave of the year 8.Game of the year? I was a teenage exocolonist. Just finished my 4rth playthrough and i think i may have 2 more in me bc i want to see different outcomes/choices 9.Best month for you this year? Idk they sorta all blend into one? But December is when i have 2 weeks off work and also the weather is beautiful and sunny so im going to say that and not think about it too much.

10.Something that made you cry this year? A friend was never available to see me despite my multiple attempts to meet up and even though i didnt mind for a lot of it, eventually it started hurting my feelings. 11.Something you want to do again next year? Go on a mini vacation. I took a week off work to visit friends in Tasmania and i think i would be nice to visit some other place next year as well. 12.Talk about a new friend you made this year? I think we'd chatted a little on twitter and also possibly met irl once? But anyway yeah i formally met and befiended the partner of a friend and we rly got along! 13.How was your birthday this year? I went to this super expensive viking themed restaurant ive wanted to go to since 2019! Food, drinks, service, all excellent. I was dressed to the nines in my sequin dress and after i went for a little night walk around the city. It was gr8! 14.Favorite book you read this year? A nobleman's guide to scandals and shipwrecks by Mackenzi Lee. The Montague siblings series is such easy reading for me so i had a fun time! 15.What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? Forgetting to take my acne medication but i also took steps to prevent that so were good now 16.Post a picture from the beginning of the year Actually the first pic i took in 2022

17.Post a picture from the end of the year

Food from yesterday (27/12/22)

18.A memorable meal this year? Oh i already mentioned my birthday dinner so instead ill mention the brunch i made for my friends when i visited them in Tasmania.I was going to make eggs, bacon, homemade flatbread and some other stuff but my time management was off and it took me sooo long to make everything.In the end it was more like a lunch than brunch^^; But everyone was so patient with me and in the end the food was yummy and everyone liked it and we played dnd and had a great time :) 19.What’re you excited about for next year? Going to be getting a new phone and also....idk i havent made any big plans but i look forward to the little moments of joy and indulgence that will come. 20.What’s something you learned this year? Im sure theres life stuff i learned but what im psyched about is learning how to make scones. Its so freakin easy!!! 21.What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? After living here for about a year,i decided to finally put shit up on the walls of my room.Paintings and fairy lights and i plan on having a little colection of magpie prints too.It rly lifted my mood and brightened up the space. 22.Favorite place you visited this year? Oh man i was just stoked to visit Tasmania and see friends! I need to travel more bcs i love seeing new places. 23.If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? Do not catastrophise when someone upsets you. Just sleep on it and then act. People sometimes are stupid and thoughtless,not secretly malicious. 24.Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? I usually have a few and some years i end up completing them, other years i dont. This year my only resolution is to comment on people's art more. Thats fucken it. 25.Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one. Many actually bcs aside from various ocs, i run some trp games where i make 10+ npcs for. I guess one would be Winnie an npc i made for a game who i put so little thought in. Like i needed a character to fullfill a certain role so i recycled an old oc design and gave her like 2 personalty traits. Then though as we played, we all ended up liking her way more than id planned so anyway now she's in the queue to be an upcoming pc for a dnd campaign (with a slight redesign)

[seokstrivia]

And So It Begins | jhs

✽ Summary: You thought you had missed your chance, but you’re just an idiot and Hoseok is bad at communicating 

Or, Hoseok lets you know he’s single

✽ Teacher AU | word count: 6.1k

✽ Jung Hoseok x Reader: fluff, angst, friends to lovers, implicated cheating, but no cheating, pining, slow burn, hoseok is soft, namjoon is your brother and jungkook is a child with taehyung, including a lot of frustration

A/N i havent wrote in ages, but i hope this one is as enjoyable as it was when writing it! please let me know what you all think and thank you for reading<3

The sun was bright as it shone through the orange-coloured leaves. It was warmer than usual, even though the air was still crisp. Your classroom was brightly lit by the natural light seeping through the wide-ranging windows, accompanied by the sound of children playing outside.

A sigh parted your lips as you continued to mark the tests you had handed out that morning. The complaints and whines from your students were still buzzing in your ears making you smile. You loved your students; they were always so full of life and eager to learn.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” a familiar voice drew you out of your trance.

Hoseok. Jung Hoseok. A colleague— a fellow teacher you had been working with for almost three years. He was sweet, always knew what he was doing and was always so helpful.  

“I am in a good mood, thank you,” you answered with a cheeky smile.

He returned the smile with a fond gaze in his eyes, talking to you always cheered him up. Just seeing you seemed to lighten his day, and you would’ve thought or felt the same if he didn’t have a girlfriend.

It was your own fault; you missed the chance to go on a date with him because you were sick and busy grading papers. However, what made it worse was that you couldn’t even hate the girl he was with because she was so sweet to everyone.

Two-faced as fuck, but you had yet to witness it.

“Do you want to have lunch with me?” He asked, shyly.

Another smile made its way to your lips as your eyes made contact with his. A red hue accommodated his cheeks while he waited for a response. It was easy to say yes to him, easy to give in and have lunch as friends and nothing more. But when he was with the woman he was with, then it wasn’t that easy or simple even.

“I’ll have to get back to you. I think Mr Park and I are having a meeting,” you told him.

The way the smile fell from his lips made you feel so guilty. You weren’t lying but it wasn’t the truth either, Mr Park, better known as Jimin, wanted to meet you after school not during lunch.

“I’m sorry,” you added before he could leave.

Hoseok seemed to avoid you after asking you to lunch, Jimin didn’t seem too pleased with you lying to him. It seemed like he told Hoseok the plan was to meet after school hours.

It was your own fault for lying and beating around the bush. More so, it was childish and immature, you could’ve just said yes like you wanted to and then dealt with his girlfriend later.

Too late now. You sighed.

“Parents evening is coming up,” Namjoon said trying to lighten the dull mood.

He was a single dad to a beautiful girl; he was also your older brother who seemed to know every little thing about you.

“Did Yerin remind you?” You smiled.

Namjoon shook his head in full offence, “I remembered by myself,” he berated like a small child. “I have a good memory.”

You chuckled at the scowl on his face making him smile in return. The atmosphere did lighten up thanks to your brother, and the sour memory of Hoseok avoiding you was quickly forgotten about as the night went on.

“So… has she been a good girl?” He asked quietly.

~

The coffee on your desk was getting cold, but that was the last of your worries. One of the students in your class was beginning to slack in terms of homework.

You weren’t one to tell children off for not doing their allocated work at home, especially when you never did yours as a child. However, it was worrying when the smartest kid in class was falling behind.

Hence why, when the end of the day bell rang, you were quick to call him over before he could leave. There was a sad look in his eyes and you instantly knew something was wrong.

The talk with your student went on longer than you anticipated, but when he told you how he felt and what was going on, you didn’t have it in you to tell him to stop talking.

He trusted you.

“Is it ok if I call your dad and speak to him?” You asked, carefully.

Jungkook slowly nodded his head, his eyes were brighter as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, miss!” He beamed as he left the classroom.

A sigh of relief parted your lips as you watched him run towards his dad. The clouds were grey and dull, but that didn’t seem to faze the two standing outside, and when it started raining, the smiles on their faces only seemed to grow wider.

When Namjoon called you that night to see how you were doing, you were more than happy to tell him you were doing great.

After that, things seemed to be going well until you ran into Hoseok. He was holding two small boxes of art materials and was out of breath from running down the flight of stairs.

It was awkward but at the same time it wasn’t, just because you didn’t speak to each other anymore, didn’t mean you were now nothing but strangers.

At the end of the day, you were both adults and he was your colleague. One little mistake shouldn’t ruin what you two had, hence why an apology was in order and maybe lunch to make up for things.

“Would you like some help, Hoseok?” You offered with a smile.

Hoseok seemed hesitant at first, but he nodded his head, answering with a short, ‘yes, please.’ You took the box on top before following him to his classroom, it was now or never.

After placing the box on his desk, you turned around to face him. There was still a friendly smile on your lips, but he could tell you had something to say.

Hoseok was different from your other friends, he was sweeter than honey and brighter than the sun. He was careful with his words and actions, more so, he was loyal.

“I’m sorry for lying to you. I hope I can make it up to you by… maybe… buying you lunch?” You offered.

The way his face lit up at your words caused your heart to jump to your throat. This would’ve been so much easier if you didn’t have feelings for him.

“I’d love that, y/n,” he beamed.

You returned the smile before telling him to text you a day and time. That night, you went home with a light heart and skip in your step.

“Auntie, are you ever going to find a boyfriend?” Your niece asked you.

Namjoon choked on his chicken, eyes wide in surprise, he never thought his daughter would ask such a question. But you didn’t seem surprised, instead, you laughed in response and sent her a wink.

He wasn’t sure what that meant, but Yerin seemed to like the answer since she winked in return.

Namjoon sighed, girls were a mystery.

“Does Yerin know something I don’t?” your brother asked while washing the dishes.

You retired your chin on your hand while you watched him. He was bound to drop a plate or glass soon, it just meant you would need to finish off the dishes and clean his mess.

“I’m not going to drop anything tonight,” he declared while turning his head around.

There was a frown on his face as he glared at you, and It reminded you of the times your mum would tell you off or the times she would shout at Namjoon for breaking something.

“Do you remember when mum would get us in trouble for silly things, like laughing?” You reminisced.

Namjoon chuckled in return as he nodded his head. Of course, he remembered. While raising his daughter he’d come to learn that he was very much like his mum.

“I got Yerin in trouble for whistling the other night,” he snorted making you laugh.

“Mum would be so proud of you, Namjoon.”

He gazed at you with so much parent-like love, “and you.”

The rest of the night was spent looking through old albums and laughing at embarrassing photos while drinking wine and wishing time would slow down.

~

Winter was right around the corner; nights were colder, and the days were shorter. Now school was the last thing on children’s minds as they spoke about Christmas, and what they wanted from Santa Clause.

You smiled as you listened to your students talk about candy canes and finding the perfect Christmas tree. It reminded you of the times you would go sledging with Namjoon and have snowball fights with Yoongi.

“Miss, what are you doing on Christmas?” Taehyung urged with eagerness.

His question seemed to pique interest in the whole class as they had stopped colouring in. Their eyes were shining under the bright lights as they waited for you to answer his question. Truth be told, you didn’t have an answer. Well, you didn’t have one that would satisfy their minds or excite them further.

“She’s having dinner with me.”

The girls squealed at Hoseok’s’ answer while the boys sniggered to themselves. You playfully shook your head while asking them to quieten down so you could speak to Mr Jung. They were quick to do as they were told, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t try to listen to your conversation or watch on with eager eyes.

“What can I do for you?” You greeted as you approached him.

“I don’t know if you remember, but you offered to buy me lunch,” he stated.

The few giggles heard behind you made you laugh to yourself easing your racing heart. You didn’t think he’d take the proposal since it’d taken him almost a month to get back to you.

“You’re right, I did offer,” you nodded.

“How’s Friday? I know it’s late but—“

“Friday is fine,” you cut him off before he could apologise or give an excuse for why he’d taken so long to get back to you.

His smile was contagious enough to make your class smile. But it wasn’t enough to make you forget about his girlfriend, the one woman you were trying to stay clear of.

It was when you were walking to your car you felt a hand on your shoulder. There was a strong feeling in your gut telling you not to turn around, but you still did.

And there she was.

“Hi Irene, can I help you?” You inquired politely.

She shook her head while slipping her hand into her pocket. Her long eyelashes fluttered over her tinted cheeks as she blinked. She was annoyingly very, very, pretty.

“I know you’re getting lunch with my boyfriend. So, I am only here to remind you that he is taken, and he’s mine,” she told you.

You were slightly taken aback by her strong demeanour, but it was a given that this would occur. You even had nightmares about it.

“I’m not going to steal him from you. He wouldn’t cheat on anyone and I would never do that to anyone,” you replied, trying to remain calm.

There was a smirk on her lips as she flicked her hair over her shoulder and fixed the scarf around her neck.

“As if he would want you anyways.”

The snicker that followed her words, in the process of her turning around and leaving, caused a heavy shiver to shoot up your spine.

You had a bad feeling about this.

~

Namjoon was rambling on about how Yoongi and Jin kept arguing about shoes when your phone buzzed in your pocket. You weren’t shocked to see multiple texts from Jimin but when you saw Hoseok's’ name, you felt yourself stop breathing.

A part of you knew it was a text to cancel plans, you didn’t want to believe it, but you knew. So, when you opened the message to read the text, you weren’t surprised.

However, you were disappointed.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Namjoon urged, softly.

You shook your head in reply and shoved your phone in your pocket. There were two ways to deal with this 1) to become really angry and never talk to Hoseok again, or 2) pretend you’re ok and move on.

He wasn’t single anyways; he was just a friend.

“Nothing, it’s just Jimin and his workload,” you lied while keeping a small smile on your lips so he wouldn’t worry.

Namjoon didn’t believe you, but he didn’t question you further either. If you wanted to talk, you would and he, of all people, knew that.

Still, at this point, option number one seemed to be better than the one you picked. But, at the end of the day, you were an adult with a full-time job.

And it sucked.

“I wish I wasn’t at home sick the day Hoseok asked me to dinner,” you voiced. “We wouldn’t be playing this stupid game and I wouldn’t have missed my chance.”

Namjoon remorsefully shook his head and hauled you in for a hug. He was quick to kiss your forehead and rub your back in comfort.

“If all these thoughts are coming from Jimin’s workload, you better ask him to stop messaging you,” he joked trying to lighten the mood.

It didn’t work of course, but it did bring a genuine smile to your lips. Hoseok would always be just a friend, and that was something you had to accept.

The very next day you were back at work, and so far, it seemed to be going okay considering you’d yet to come across Hoseok. However, for whatever reason, it seemed like he was avoiding you.

…Which was fine since you didn’t really want to talk to him, even though it was kind of childish…

“Auntie, I forgot my lunch,” a small voice spoke making you smile.

You felt the need to coo at your niece for being so adorable, but that would embarrass her, and then you would never hear the end of it.

“Come here, your dad texted me this morning. I picked up your favourite sandwich and drink at the supermarket before coming to work,” you grinned seeing her eyes shine at the sight of food.

“Thanks, Auntie!”

Yerin was quick to hop into a chair at one of the many desks in the room and eat her lunch. She would chat with you almost after every bite and tell you about her day like she would at home.

It was nice having company… maybe you should ask Jimin to meet you for lunch, it does get a bit lonely sometimes.

“Mr Park said he has a someone special,” Yerin voiced with a mouth full of food. “He said she works here.”

You rolled your eyes at the little girl; she was just as bad as her dad.

“Yerin-ah, you were supposed to eat the sandwich, not destroy it.”

She giggled in response while hopping off her seat, “thank you, auntie! I’ll see you at home time.”

You watched her throw her trash in the bin before running out of the room. It made you feel a little sad to see her leave, but there was nothing you could do about that.

~

“Hey, you,” Jimin beamed when you stepped into his class.

He was marking papers, something you should’ve been doing too, but you didn’t want to sit alone anymore.

“Let’s get dinner,” you proposed just as you stood in front of his desk.

The sun was setting behind Jimin producing golden hues. It made the room look different, more intriguing rather than dull and boring. Jimin stood up and stepped around his desk after reaching for his coat. He must’ve agreed to your suggestion because he was already walking towards the door.

“What are you waiting for?”

His smile made his eyes disappear, and it made you laugh to yourself as you remembered him complaining about how he couldn’t see whenever you made him smile.

Jimin was a good friend, he always would be.

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

When you invited Jimin to dinner, you didn’t think he would invite Hoseok and his… girlfriend. It’s not like this was a double date, more so, you just didn’t want to speak to them.

The sun had set long ago, the stars were shining, and the moon long replaced the sun. A sigh parted your lips as you felt cold air seep through your coat. Maybe you could cancel last minute and go home. They would understand since you took care of Yerin a lot when Namjoon worked.

Another sigh left your lips.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked with concerned eyes.

You smiled at him and nodded your head. He must’ve known you were lying, or you’re just a really bad liar because he was quick to pull you aside.

Why were you so easy to read?

“Is it because I invited Hoseok?” He questioned further.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s really immature but I just— I can’t,” you told him.

What you said didn’t make sense, but Jimin seemed to understand.

“Let’s go somewhere else. Wait here.”

You watched him step towards the couple, watched him take Hoseok aside and tell him he was taking you somewhere else. Hoseok’s smile fell as his gaze met yours, he didn’t question further but you knew he wanted to.

Jimin didn’t say anything when he led you out of the restaurant. He didn’t say anything when he ordered the food. He didn’t say anything when he paid for the bill.

You were thankful that he didn’t pry into your mind, to be honest, you didn’t have an answer yourself. Maybe you were jealous of Irene or maybe you hated yourself for not trying with Hoseok.

It was too late now anyway.

“Thank you for dinner, Jimin,” you beamed. “And for taking me somewhere else.”

He shyly shook his head, eyes small crescents as he smiled widely.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry I invited them without asking you,” he replied sheepishly.

“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.”

Jimin was sweet and careful with you, his touches were soft and words sincere. Sometimes you wondered what it would be like to be in love with him. However, in the end, you really just wanted him to find the perfect person, someone who would love him forever.

“I hope you work things out with Hoseok,” he shrugged, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

You disregarded what he said. Instead, you smiled at him again and kissed his cheek before thanking him once more and letting yourself into your home.

It’s not that you didn’t want to ‘fix’ things, it’s just that you didn’t know what needed fixing. Was it miscommunication? Or were you simply overthinking everything?

Probably the latter.

“Namjoon-ah, I’m home.”

~

“Enjoy your Christmas break, class, and don’t forget to leave out cookies for Santa,” you winked as you dismissed your class.

They happily said goodbye while they trailed out of the room, one by one. You could see Hoseok down the corridor waving bye to his class too. It had been a while since you spoke to him, to be honest… you missed him. A lot.

He made eye contact with you before stepping back into his room. Hoseok looked good in a suit and tie. But he looked better with a smile on his face and you hadn’t seen one in a while.

A deep exhale left your lips as you pulled your phone out of your coat pocket. There were multiple texts from Jimin and a few from Namjoon; as usual.

However, there was also one from Hoseok.

From Jung Hoseok:

— I was wondering if we could talk.

— Maybe over a cup of coffee?

You were nervous. Really nervous.

To Jung Hoseok:

— Make it a hot chocolate and you have a deal.

From Jung Hoseok:

— Done ;)

Sometimes you wondered what it would feel like to belong to someone. Other times, you wondered what it would feel like to belong to Jung Hoseok.

“Thanks for meeting up with me.”

You blinked out of your daze when you heard his voice. It took you a few seconds to realise you’d reached the chosen cafe.

“It’s ok. I really needed a hot chocolate,” you chuckled nervously. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Hoseok seemed nervous, well, more nervous than you. He had a woolly scarf wrapped around his neck while a black coat engulfed his body. It made him appear smaller. Cute.

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but he kept his gaze locked on yours. As if he was studying you, memorising your features to secure it in his memory forever.

It was a comfortable silence. Almost.

“I—Well… I wanted to talk about us,” he muttered, eyes dropping to his hands.

You nodded your head, silently prompting him to continue. However, you had a few things to say too.

“It’s just that… We used to be such good friends, and then I asked you out and everything kind of… fell apart? I don’t know,” he sighed in frustration as he thought about it. “I’m sorry if I ruined things, I just, I guess I wish you told me how you felt sooner.”

Now it was your turn to be frustrated, not only because of the obvious miscommunication between you too but also because of how stupid he was. It was almost as if he didn’t know anything.

“You didn’t ruin anything, Hoseok. I explained why I couldn’t meet you that night, I really wanted to, but I was sick,” you told him.

Hoseok seemed even more confused than before, he couldn’t get his head around what you’d just told him. Mainly because he didn’t receive a text from you that night.  

“I didn’t get a text.”

That couldn’t be right. You remember sending a text to him because Namjoon told you to stay home. So, how?

“I really didn’t, y/n. If I did and if I’d known you were sick, I would’ve come to see you,” he added.

“It’s ok, I believe you. I’m just confused.”

He nodded his head in relief and finally smiled at you. Everything seemed to be making sense between you two. The only thing left to figure out was how this miscommunication occurred.

“Me too,” he chuckled breathlessly. “But it’s weird because Irene turned up out of nowhere.”

Your eyes were quick to meet his, to see how he felt about her as if you could. It was strange because he didn’t seem too pleased about the way her name rolled off his tongue.

“Are you two… like… a thing?”

It was a stupid question because everyone who worked at the school knew. But they’d all heard from Irene, that was one person. That was one side of the story, no one had ever heard anything from Hoseok.

More so, your question seemed to throw Hoseok off guard.

“We’ve never been a thing!” He suddenly argued. “Why would we be when everyone knows I like you?”

“I’m sorry! There’s no need to get angry, it’s not like it’s my fault. You never told me how you felt.”

He scoffed in annoyance while rolling his eyes, “y/n, I asked you out on a date! That’s bound to tell you something.”

You’d never seen him angry before. Hoseok didn’t even get angry at his class when they misbehaved.

“I didn’t know, okay. Irene told everyone you two were together,” you muttered under your breath.

Hoseok shook his head in disbelief, you didn’t know if he was angry at you, Irene or himself. Maybe it was your fault for believing someone like Irene. You sighed.

This wasn’t going as well as you thought it was. The guy you liked, liked you back but you were too oblivious to see that and now, now he was leaving.

You wanted to cry. Why was the universe never on your side?

To Joonie:

— Can you pick me up? Please.

From Joonie:

— I’m on my way, love

What a great start to Christmas break…

~

“Y/n, you need to get out of bed,” Namjoon scolded once again when he opened the door to your room.

He had been trying to get you out of bed for two days now, but you weren’t listening. A deep exhale parted his lips when he saw you pull the covers over your head.

This was ridiculous.

“What kind of example are you setting for your niece? This is not how you deal with your problems, now get up before I drag you out of bed.”

You groaned at his words and reluctantly threw the covers off when you heard him walk away.

“At least shut the door, you asshole!”

“Language!” He yelled back making you cringe.

This was not going to be a good Christmas break, and to make it worse, you still wanted to cry.

It was nearing 4pm when you finally dragged yourself out of bed. The moon had already replaced the sun, and a thick white blanket covered the city.

You felt like going back to bed and never waking up until you really needed to. But you opted for your phone instead since Namjoon was extra scary when he was in mom mode.

From Jimin:

— Text me for plans!

From Yoongi:

— I think we need to organise a horror movie night!

— But just us… if you know what I mean ;)

— Jokes… text me!

From Jung Hoseok:

— We need to talk.

From Irene:

— You made Hoseok cheat on me!

— You said you would never do that. Lying Bitch.

Wow, okay.

To Jung Hoseok:

— Screenshot sent.

You didn’t get a reply when you sent the screenshot, not even hours later. To be honest, you tried not to care.

But it was hard not to.

“Good to see you’re finally awake. Come and eat something,” Namjoon shot without giving you a second glance.

At least your brother cared about your well-being.

~

Christmas break was going as well as you expected it to. Most days were spent having coffee with Jimin; small outings with your friend… which he called dates. You didn’t think much of it, friends could have friend dates, right?

But then, then, after one too many coffees, he asked you to be his date to his parents Christmas party. Something about wanting to introduce his favourite person to his family. You didn’t know what it meant—what he meant, but you couldn’t say no.

Namjoon was over the moon when you told him. He said something about finally getting over a long crush and moving on. He was wrong, you weren’t moving on. The last few days had been somewhat like an out of body experience, leaving you confused and annoyed.

You don’t know what you were doing.

“Wear a nice dress for him,” Yerin voiced while she watched you raid your closet.

“I don’t have any.”

She clicked her tongue as she slid off your bed. Yerin was a sweet little girl, but sometimes you believed she was an old soul. The way she spoke or acted only proved your assumption.

“Auntie, wear the dress you were going to wear on your date with Mr Jung.”

You let her move you out of the way and observed her draw out a bag from the back of your closet. It was buried away so you would never need to see it again, not like you had anywhere to wear it anyways…

“Here,” she forced, giving you the bag.

Sometimes Yerin reminded you of your mum.

“Thanks,” you muttered, earning a smile in return.

The dress fit better than you remembered. It looked nice. Who were you kidding? It was perfect… just perfect for the wrong guy. Still, maybe dating Jimin won’t be hard.

You say that while your heart sinks at the sight of Jung Hoseok.

Jimin didn’t tell you Hoseok was invited, he didn’t tell you he would wear a black suit with a tie that somehow matched the colour of your dress, he didn’t tell you he would smile and shine.

More so, he didn’t tell you that Hoseok would avoid you.

There was nothing you could do about that though. If he wanted to avoid you so be it… the whole situation, however, annoyed you more than you thought it would.

“You look beautiful, y/n,” Jimin complimented.

He reached for your hand and interlaced it with his. Your eyes caught Hoseok’s before you turned your attention to your friend.

“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself,” you teased making him laugh.

“I need to be honest with you,” he sighed with a small smile. “I didn’t invite you to be my date. I invited you because you and Hoseok need to talk and sort out all the misunderstandings.”

This wasn’t the first time Jimin had been so serious, but it was the first time he had been serious with you. More so, he was right.

You really wanted to talk to Hoseok and ask him what his problem was, because who acts this way with the person they like? But then again, you didn’t tell him how you felt, you were too worried about Irene. Someone who meant little to nothing to Hoseok.

The whole thing was really fucking stupid.

“Okay, thanks for being honest, Jimin,” you replied.

He drew you in for a hug before pushing you towards Hoseok, “talk it out and thank me later.”

It was awkward for about five seconds, but then it seemed like things were going to be okay when he smiled at you. Not at Jimin or Jin but you.

There was no exchange of words for the first few seconds, it was obvious a lot had to be said but the two of you didn’t know where to start. First of all, there was the situation with Irene. Second of all, there was the screenshot and then, then there were your feelings.

“We have a lot to talk about,” Hoseok finally addressed.

You nodded your head, “I know.”

He held onto your hand and led you into Jimin’s room. He closed the door before stepping onto the balcony for fresh air. It was stuffy inside, and the air was nice and cool against your skin.

The stars shone brighter than the city lights– the city which seemed to go on forever over the horizon. It made you feel small and incapable. The world was a big place waiting to be explored.

You had a lot going through your mind, but you didn’t know what to say.  

Although it was Hoseok who spoke first. He had his hands in his pocket as he stared at the city ahead.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you. There was a lot to deal with after we spoke, even more after you sent me that screenshot,” he spoke quietly as if afraid to wake the world.

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.”

Hoseok turned around to stare at you– properly stare at you. It’d been a while, he regretted not speaking to you sooner. So much went through his mind when Jimin told him you two were meeting up for coffee or lunch.

It annoyed him when Jimin called them ‘dates’, but there was nothing he could do or say… until now.

“Irene won’t be bothering you anymore, I sorted it all out,” he said while gazing into your eyes. “You won’t need to worry about her.”

“Tha–That’s good.”

He nodded his head before dropping his gaze. So far things were going well, so far it seemed like it would go back to normal. But then, then you hadn’t really voiced your mind or told him how you felt.

You didn’t know if it was a good time. He deserved to know, of course, he did. How would you tell him though? Hey, I’ve liked you for so long now? No, that’s embarrassing.

“You don’t need to force things to get better or be okay because I know they will be,” Hoseok voiced as he offered a smile.

It was almost funny how he always seemed to know what to say.

You presented a smile in return as you asked him to dance…

~

Namjoon was as dumbfounded as was your niece. They stared at you with wide eyes and dropped jaws. This wasn’t the reaction you were expecting on Christmas Eve when you told them about your talk with Hoseok.

“You didn’t confess?” Yerin almost screeched. “What kind of romance drama is this?”

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, “this isn’t a romance drama. It never was.”

“Watch your tone Yerin-ah,” Namjoon added in a stern tone.

Yerin was quick to shut her mouth, she knew not to get her dad angry. However, she also knew when she was right, and exactly what to say; it was a similar trait to your mum.

“I just think auntie should go and confess. Like, now.”

Namjoon stared at his daughter for a few seconds before turning to stare at you, his expression told you everything, and it was hard not to roll your eyes.

“It’s Christmas Eve,” you deadpanned. “He’ll be spending time with his family.”

Your brother shrugged his shoulders at you as he drew Yerin onto his lap. She was smart for a seven-year-old it was scary.

“You might never get the chance again,” he told you matter-of-factly. “It’s better to say it than regret it later, isn’t it?”

“I hate when you’re right.”

A lot went through your mind when you texted Hoseok. So much more rushed through your mind while you waited for him next to the Christmas tree. There was no one at the park except you and the fear of him not showing up.

It was nearing midnight. Three more minutes and it would be Christmas. Three more minutes and then you were leaving. He wasn’t going to show up. He wasn’t coming.

“Why are your eyes closed?” Someone asked,

A long exhale, you didn’t know you were holding, escaped your lips while you slowly opened your eyes.

“I was scared you wouldn’t come.”

He smiled his bright smile making you blush.

“That’s silly. We have a lot of missed time to make up for, so here I am,” he winked.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Sure, he was right about all the chances you missed, but did he know you liked him? Surely, not.

However, the smile on his lips and the gaze in his eyes said otherwise. He had to know… if he didn’t before he definitely did now. You asked him to meet you at night, next to a Christmas tree because you had something to tell him.

How obvious could you be?

“Hoseok, I think you already know… but I like you too.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he chuckled. “I already know.”

You laughed in return earning a soft gaze from the man in front. It kind of was like a romantic drama as your niece had said, just one with a little less drama. It was nice especially when Hoseok tucked a strand of hair behind your ear before kissing your cheek.

“Merry Christmas, my love.”