#and i have to be kind to myself because there may be times ot sitations when no one is gonna be kind to me

[tayliii]

i am actually healing, i still sometimes cry at how i have been treated in the past but i am genuienly content with myself. the thing is i am not used to that, when you have been depressed for whole 3 years and with no social life and only one friend that you base your entire worth of them liking you, you aren't used to having more friends who actually care about you and talk to you daily and also some other friends who you arent that close with but are glad to have them in your life because they make it more positive and lively. and oh god it feels so weird and uncomfortable when some days at like 3 am when you feel down and just wish that you could sink into your own sadness and drown in it but you can't because you are not the you from one or teo years ago, the you who felt sad and numb daily, and yes you do feel numb at some days but it's a content numbness it doesnt feel isolating and lonely and it feels more like peace. it feels really uncomfortable because i was comfortable with my sadness it wrapped me up like a soft blanket and protected me from being hurt. because when you have hope and something dissapoints you, you become extremely sad but when you are constatly sad it doesnt hit you as hard as it would if you had hope so it did protect me in some form of way but it also took many many good things away from me. and now i dont have that blanket on me anymore that would protect me from the monsters named dissapointment, sadness, loneliness so i don't know how i am meant to protect myself know i know the best i could do is just pick up the pieces of me after being broken, i have no clue if one of my friendships from now broke apart i dont know how i can go about my days without sending them tiktoks,reels texting them and videocalling them because i am used to that right and i fear change so much i fear that we will grow up, they will find husbands, and have kids, and then have no time for me and our friendships are gonna go weird there will be space between us, the people that know everything about me is gonna forget all of these and i am so scared of being forgotten and forgetting things please give me the blessing that is to remember. and i don't know where to put this sadness if our friendships falls apart, before i had this hollow space in me and i put this sadness inside me over and over again until it was too much for my inside that it started to show on my body too, on my arms, on my thights, on my belly. but my inside is full right now with happiness and i dont want it to be hollow again to store my sadness inside it. i dont know what to do with this feelings i don't know where to put it, i don't know where to put the love i have for them when they are not a part of my life anymore. and i can't give it to someone else because every friend is another love because they are different and uniqe from each other i have different types of love that i have for them and since there will be no one like that again that love i have for them is gonna have to exist somewhere but i will always be either inside me or linked to me someway. but it going to be okay because i am actually healing