#and i have this paranoid anxiety thought that's like if I don't tell people he's gone they will ask about him

[monstermoviedean]

if you have a good vibe/kind thought to spare and could send it my way. i'd really appreciate it.

[alicerosejensen]

Heyyyy hope you’re doing well!!

Please can you imagine Leon (re6) loosing his shit because they kidnapped his girlfriend and he’s like trying everything to get her back? Imagine him crying as soon as he gets to hug her again!😭

I'm fine as long as I have a laptop connected to the internet and food)

In fact, this is one of my favorite plot tropes, when someone is kidnapped, and the main character is ready to burn the whole world to the ground, but to find an expensive person.

Leon, despite his moral principles, I think he could have made many sacrifices. In particular, he would definitely lose his temper if he grabbed onto any thread to find his beloved. At least he didn't stand on ceremony with Patrizio.

Thus, there will be little left of the scoundrel who kidnapped his girlfriend.

Something constantly happens to the poor girl of Leon (either she runs away from him, or she is stolen from him). Sorry, I just love their relationship and Leon, who is ready to kill for his loved ones :D

I still know shit English, but enjoy it if you're interested.

Please read with extreme caution! There are mentions of physical violence, kidnapping and a maniac!Yandere

Leon is a little paranoid when it comes to protecting his loved ones, so most likely he will insert some tracking device into your phone or earrings to be sure that his beloved is safe.

He tries not to violate personal boundaries, but understands that his beloved is in potential danger in relation to him. Therefore, you are under additional invisible protection.

All you need to know is that Leon is not abusing his position as a federal agent. There is no surveillance on you, it's just that if something happens, he wants to have time to prevent it before the irreparable happens (or he goes on a binge again).

His heart sinks at the thought that he may lose you for some reason. Any encroachment into your personal space by outsiders who create discomfort for you make Leon enter the defender mode (aggressive if necessary). You should be safe.

Since Leon is known to a minimum of people about Leon's love interest, the risk is minimal that you will be harmed. At least Leon considered the threat from various corporations and bioterrorists. He didn't even think about the fact that there is some bastard stealing your things.

It was some little things: pencils, hair bands, a pocket mirror, lip gloss. Yes, you said something to him about it, but maybe you just dropped them out of your backpack?

He was calm exactly until you became too nervous. It seemed that you were afraid of something and called him a couple of times with a request to meet on the way home. Leon is not one of those who will refuse, but your behavior worries him.

And when you were walking home, Leon felt your painful grip on his arm.

His main priority is your well-being. "So tell me, pretty girl, what's going on with you?" Don't think I haven't noticed this nervousness.

He will be wary when he hears that someone is following you and dragging your things. Of course you could have lost them yourself, but the chiffon scarf that Leon gave you was the last straw. In addition, you showed him the abnormal love notes that someone constantly threw into your purse.

Outwardly, it did not affect him in any way, but the stingy "I'll deal with it" means a lot. The anxiety level has increased and Leon is worried that some kind of psycho might hurt you.

He often calls and asks if everything is in order and when you need to be picked up from college. However, when you don't answer the phone, everything dies inside him.

The moment he realizes that you have been taken away, a monster wakes up in him, which can bring down hell on your abductor.

His emotional state constantly fluctuates from constant fear for your lives bordering on panic to Ustanak whose task is to find you and finish off the son of a bitch who dared to take you away from him.

"No god will help this son of a bitch when I find him."

It's sad that you lost your phone on the day of the abduction and did not put on earrings. But a nice little bracelet will save you.

are a fucking goddess.

When you wake up, of course, you will be scared. However, you will try to intimidate the criminal by saying that he is so obsessed with you in vain. "Seriously, my boyfriend will come after me and gut you" You don't think Leon will kill anyone at all, so maybe your words don't sound too confident when the kidnapper's hand is stroking your head.

Do you panic when a fucking psycho says it's some kind of date? No one here hears your screams, you can't run away because you're handcuffed. You can't even go to the toilet on your own only under his control, and this causes you a deep psychological trauma. He brings you a fucking lilac, weaving thin twigs into your hair.

"Why me?" - This is the only question that is spinning in your head when you are hysterically pulling out purple flowers, throwing them away from you. - "Am I going to die here?"

You literally go crazy from the smell of dampness and lilac. Constantly shout Leon's name as if he can hear you and immediately breaking into a loud cry, banging on the walls and the locked door.

You're clearly getting claustrophobic.

While you're suffering, Leon is trying to track the fucking signal on one of your trinkets, but he's afraid that you left that day without any jewelry at all.

Claire is definitely one of those people who can talk some sense into Leon while he's looking for you. Considering that the bug gives a bad signal (or maybe your bracelet was damaged due to the fact that you constantly pull it from nerves) from the basement and your location is difficult to track, Leon has already yelled at Chris

You feel like a frog in formalin or even some kind of toy when your abductor brings you clean clothes, which you throw back to him. It's risky to make him angry like that and you really regret it when brute force is used to force you to change clothes.

Yes, then they "take care" of you, but you are already a cornered mouse. The purple marks on your skin and the marks from the handcuffs are now a reminder of who is in charge here.

And you hate that bastard more and more. Unfortunately, you have absolutely nothing to even hit him with. The food that he brings you in plastic dishes, as well as cutlery. You try not to eat, fearing that he might have mixed something in there, but you are forced by force.

It's been three days, and Leon hasn't found you. You feel like you're starting to go crazy until you hear a muffled noise from somewhere above.

All your belongings (including the bracelet) were seized and probably thrown away, leaving you in one long T-shirt, the smell that causes you to have a gag reflex. You literally have nothing on but this rag and underpants

All your belongings (including the bracelet) were seized and probably thrown away, leaving you in one long T-shirt, the smell that causes you to have a gag reflex. You literally have nothing on but this rag and underpants

Has anyone ever told you that you are not the luckiest person?

You tried to attack from behind when they stopped stroking you. It was risky and you failed because the kidnapper reacted before you swung to strike.

You were very painfully punished, left lying on the damp floor in a terrible state, all in tears and without an evening meal.

It's been four terrible days in your life. All because you fiddled with your bracelet too much, which turned out to be thrown away quite far from the place where you were, forcing Leon to go on a false trail.

You felt terrible. It didn't take long to break you. You no longer hoped to see daylight or your loved ones, so you crawled into the farthest corner curled up in a ball and cried.

Having lost track of time due to another fit of hysteria, you did not want to pay attention to the opening door and hurried steps in your direction.

Preferring not to pay attention to your enemy, you became even more hysterical when he tried to turn you around to face him, affectionately calling you "angel".

That's what infuriated you. But when you opened your eyes in another attempt to attack, you froze in disbelief at your own eyes. Have you already gone crazy in this place? So fast, or was Leon really in front of you?

His light blue eyes were dark. Not as bright as usual, but maybe it's because of the lighting… Strong hands carefully examined your body for the number of bruises.

You looked away in the direction of the open door - your freedom, but you felt Leon's fingers gently tracing over your split lips.

You've never seen such quiet hatred before. You were shivering from the cold, feeling that tears were still flowing down your cheeks, and tried to snuggle up to Leon in search of protection and warmth.

But Leon himself pressed you to him, slightly lifting up his T-shirt, checking for underwear. You flinched, and then you heard a single question when you grabbed his back with both hands, pressing your head against his chest.

"That son of a bitch…" - Leon gritted his teeth, still looking at your stolen things on the floor. - "I'll kill him"

The fuse clicked.

Leon took off his jacket, putting it on you (with great difficulty, because you did not want to interrupt close contact with him), and then easily picked up in his arms, like a small child, carrying out of this basement. You closed your eyes just to not see anything else. Leon's scent worked better than any strong sedative, and you wanted him not to let you go anymore.

So small. Defenseless. Bruised all over. He will kiss you on the temple, looking at the sprawled bastard with such a look that it will be clear how it will end. Leon will hand you over to Claire, despite your growing hysteria over the loss of hugs, and do what he has planned.

It's going to be pretty bloody. He expressed some regret about Patricio, but Leon will never forgive someone who hurt you, leaving a scar on your soul. So he'll empty the whole clip on him.

Because of this, he will have some problems, but you are the priority. You will undergo a full examination at the hospital, where Leon will be reassured (partially) that your violence ended with beatings. In general, there are no physical injuries, but both Leon and Claire understand what condition you will be in.

He will take care of you. Try to do everything so that you don't remember that four-day nightmare. He will find a good therapist, but if your brain decided to erase these memories on its own, a kind of protective reaction to stress, then it will even calm him down.

Leon understands the reason for your detached behavior. He is glad that you are not afraid to let him near you, thereby subconsciously making him your shield. he's ready to be one before you start trusting people again.

No one heard it, but Leon was really crying quietly when it was over. You were sleeping after taking a sedative dose, and he was sitting in the bathtub thinking only that he could not save you faster.

He won't touch you once again for fear of triggering some kind of trigger, but in your head it is Leon the hero savior. Therefore, if you are looking for protection in him, then it's even good, because this is how he hopes to redeem himself before you.

In the end, you are faced with dissociative amnesia. You realize that something terrible has happened, but you have a lapse in memory. Leon will be the one who will start distracting you from your memories by persuading you not to remember. He really considers it a gift of fate and will go out of his way so that you don't touch this moment of life at all, leaving him behind a black curtain.

And yet one day he burst into tears clutching to his chest. While you sleep next to him feeling completely safe, Leon will need to hug you tightly and come up with better ways to protect you. He feels guilty that he did not save you and this feeling of guilt will gnaw at him for a long time.

"I'm sorry… sweetheart, I'm so sorry… - what you hear in your sleep. - "Never again…no one will hurt you. Never."You don't remember a damn thing, but you're scared because Leon is crying kissing the top of your head.

He won't let anyone else take you away.

[maiiuelle]

i'm so happy my worms could help !! because i have more!

so stalkers like, ramp up in severity when they feel like whatever they're obsessed with is threatened or is threatening to leave (personal experience) , so what if kook!reader gets a boyfriend? she gets one that's a kook for added drama, who tells her that jj has been snooping around her house, and she's so paranoid to be alone so she has him help her confront him, but that just makes him even worse?? BONUS POINTS if it's Rafe!!

cause he'd genuinely be so devastated that you don't feel safe because of him, but him finding out you have a bf would make him so much more reactive in general to the point that the pogues would start pointing out— hey, you keep pullin your gun on people, bud, what's up? AS HE'S GENUINELY TWEAKING ABOUT YOU WITH SOMEONE HELLO??

Rafe catchin JJ stalking you as he is also stalking you 🫢

-🪻

omg rafe passes by your house a lot during the day — he calls it being a good boyfriend, and everyone else calls it obsessive. he just likes to drive by a few times in between meetings to check up on you, taking his role as your protector very seriously — so you can imagine his surprise when he found jj maybank doing the exact same thing.

rafe did not appreciate that pogue lurking around your house, but as much as he wanted to slam on his brakes and cause a scene in front of your home right then and there, he decided to play the long game.

he tells you all about what he saw later that night, framing it like he had already been driving that way and just happened to notice the blonde peeking over your fence like a serial killer.

“fuckin’ creep’s so comfortable sneaking around your yard, who knows what else he’s doing.” rafe shakes his head, rubbing his jaw in thought. the picture he’s painted in your head makes a chill run down your spine. he notices your unease and continues. “listen, i can take care of it if that’s what you want. swear to god, you’ll never see him again.”

it’s all too much too fast. jj seemed completely harmless the few times you’d hung out, you’d never tell rafe but you thought he was sweet. you never would have thought he’d do something like that, you almost can’t believe it’s true.

at first, you tell rafe it must be a big misunderstanding, but you can’t help the building anxiety that he really is out there watching your every move. so, to ease your mind, you accept his offer to confront him.

you’re not too sure what happened after that — all you know is rafe came back to your place with bruised knuckles and a promise that pogue would stay away.

it works, but only for a little while. who knows what rafe told him — but whatever it was, jj could barely hold it together. he knows you’re not safe with rafe, even if rafe is thinking the same thing about him. he’d get you away from him somehow, no matter what he had to do.

[i-drop-level-one-loot]

Hiii!

I found your stories a few hours ago and they are perfect, I don't think I ever went through someone's account so fast hahah

If it's fine with you, could you do a sequel to the yandere bully story? Maybe what would happen if reader ended up too scared of his bullying and decided to change school, or had to move away due to personal reasons! What would be yandere's reaction?

Of course, it's just a request, so feel free to not do it if you don't feel like doing it!

Loving your stories, keep it up, I'm rooting for you! ❤

Yandere!Bully x Fem!Reader part 2

CW: Bullying, breaking and entering

Simon's mind went blank. It was as if the organ didn't want to process what he had just learned, so it decided to power off instead.

"Yeah, apparently she started homeschooling." The sharp nosed boy tried his best to bite back his smile. A year younger than Simon, Nicky looked up to him, aspiring to be just as (much of a bully) cool as he was. So when he overheard the office ladies sympathetically discussing Simon's favorite victim, he made sure to gather as much information as he could in order to try and impress Simon; gain his favor.

The squirrelly brunette had prepared mentally for a number of different reactions Simon could have had to the news: anger, disappointment, mild amusement.. but when he turned his eyes away from his milk box it confused him to see Simon's stare empty.

Thinking that Simon didn't care Nicky doubled down. "My sources say she was too scared to name her bullies, and that she just wanted it to end without a confrontation."

'She left because of me??' Simon squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to shut out the kid yapping beside him. When (Reader) didn't come to school Simon was, of course, worried. He thought that she might have gotten sick, or worse. The worry over not being able to see her beautiful face was eating him up, and he admittedly began lashing out at other people, really making him into the bully (Reader) thought he was. But now he was hearing that she had left the school because of him??

"It's a good thing she didn't snitch, huh?" The prideful child said in a haughty way, pleased with himself (even though Simon didn't know, or care, why).

"Why are you telling me this?" 'Can't you see how fucked up you got me right now??'

"Huh?" Startled and suddenly nervous, Nicky wrung the bottom of his hoodie in an attempt to calm his stutter. "B- I just, I thought, because you- you seemed to hate her, ya know? So I thought- I just thought you'd be interested to know.."

"Great. Now I know." Simon's voice was hard and sharp. He wanted to cry, but he sounded like he was on the verge of attacking the younger kid. "What am I supposed to do with that information?"

Heart in his throat and lip trembling, Nicky handed over his phone with the camera open. "I took a picture of her address.."

Knock knock knock!

(Reader) happily rolled off the couch and made her way to the front door. Neither of her parents were home and she had already finished all of her classwork, so the student had been relaxing while scrolling through her phone. She had only been homeschooled for a week, but was already back to her old self again. (Reader) was so stress free that she wasn't as paranoid about an unexpected visitor as she probably should have been.

She opened the front door without peaking to see who it was, and she didn't have time to process that it was Simon until he had already shoved himself inside and closed the door behind him. All of the fear and anxiety that (Reader) had finally worked through snapped back like a rubber band, physically hurting her chest.

"What- Get out!" Her shaky voice commanded.

"Shut up." Simon had planned on being comforting and sweet, rehearsing the entire trip on how to apologize and finally woo (Reader) correctly. To mend all the damage his foul personality had accidentally done. But then he was there, in her hallway, and she looked so scared of him.. "What were you thinking? Not coming to school. I thought you might've killed yourself." His attempt to show how worried he was for her only sounded like a threat as it left his lips.

(Reader) thought about her phone she left on the couch, and wondered if she could get to it before he could grab her. "Please leave me alone.." If only she could inch backwards as subtly as possible..

"Why? I came here to make sure you were okay." Simon grabbed her wrist and squeezed tightly enough for her to bite the inside of her cheek. "Come back to school."

"..No."

His grip tightened.

"I- I can't!" (Reader) struggled to break free as the tears began to pool up. "Do you know how difficult it was to get into homeschooling?? More than half way through the year?? I didn't drop out!! I couldn't go back, even if I wanted to!" Her pleas made sense, but Simon was already too heartbroken to hear them.

"Then I guess I'm going to be your new study buddy." His smile was supposed to be kind, suave. He wanted to look caring and dashing. But to (Reader) his half lidded eyes and tight smile looked like a malevolent smirk.

"What?"

"What? You thought you could run away from me? It's not like your family has enough money to just up and move whenever they want." Simon glanced around at the furniture visible from the entrance to double check that they, in fact, were not rich enough to move whenever. "And now I know where you live."

(Reader) parted her lips to talk back, but Simon quickly closed the gap between them, pulling her into his chest and kissing her painfully. He had imagined their first kiss many many times, and it was never like this. But it didn't matter if it was rushed and he pulled her in too hard and he slammed his lips against her's too forcefully. The young man wanted to beg her to never leave his side again, but instead as he turned around to leave he only left her with another warning.

"Don't even think about calling the cops. I'll be back to check up on you again later.. and if you try to run again, I'll fucking find you."

[mrsnancywheeler]

the lakes (13) // finnick odair x f. reader

summary: it's supposed to be over, you and Finnick are supposed to spend the rest of your lives helping each other heal. living as peacefully as possible, but the the third quarter quell throws a wrench in your domestic bliss.

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masterlist

4.9k words

warnings: angst, lots of it, fluff, mental illness, self hate, self destructive behavior, paranoid, scared, unreliable reader, gore, death, violence, cursing, bad familial dynamics, mentions of drinking and partying, unedited, no use of y/n, terms of endearment, allusions of dissociation

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

You don't know for how long you'd been sitting in the water when Beetee and Johanna joined you. Their presence startling you out of the bliss of just holding Finnick in the water, as if it was a night back in District 4. But, this would never be that, this was just something Capitol citizens would cry over until they eventually forgot, moved on to new victors.

“We're going to head to the tree where the lightning strikes, so I'll have enough time to set up. Johanna will go with Katniss to the beach and take care of her after they get off the sand.” Beetee adjusted his glasses, you all had to be so careful with your words. To the people watching it had to seem like allies turning against allies, not a cleverly thought out escape plan for the rebellion. You nodded, but not a single molecule of your body wanted to move from where the ocean could rise and fall on you while Finnick's warmth shielded you from any chill.

���With the sun setting, we better start heading that way, then." Finnick began to stand, much to your chagrin, but the sooner this was over you could be safe with each other in District 13. At the very least out of the dangers of the arena. "C’mon, sweet girl.” He pulled you up from the water without a second thought, pulling you comfortably back into his side.

The trek to the tree felt long and grueling from the time you'd spent in the water, you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about your bed back at the house in District 4. That lovingly, delicately made bed where you'd processed the worst and best moments of your life before you slept. “I love you." It was unprompted, but it felt right for you to say to him as he walked, arm firmly around you.

Finnick tilted his head down at you, a soft smile on his handsome face, “I love you too, angel." He kissed your forehead, "Don't ruin the moment by telling me some plan you have of sacrifice.” Although it was playful, you knew he was somewhat serious, he knew you.

You lightly elbowed him and he exaggerated his wince, "I just spend a lot of time proclaiming how I can't live without you and not enough just say I love you, so yeah, I love you.” It felt almost embarrassing to admit, but your brain always felt like a cesspool of anxiety and fear, it had been too long since you'd been able to just be the two of you without a care.

"You know how complicated it is to be married to someone when their way is to live and die for someone when you love them so much all you want is for them to live an eternity?” The smile is still on his face and so’s that playful tone, but it fits where it needs to. If the world was a better place it would never have been a problem that you would follow him to the ends of the Earth. That you refused to wait for him when asked and followed him to the battlefields, but the world was not a better place and you'd dug your own grave in blissful acceptance.

“Yes I do, I'm actually married to him right now." He rolled his eyes at you with a scoff. As the sun faded the more thankful you were for Finnick’s warm touch that made it feel like there were a thousand fireflies under your skin. The closer you were to the tree, the closer you were to Beetee blowing the arena open, so you could live in some semblance of peace for at least a little while.

“Oh, be careful, angel." Finnick steadied you when you almost tripped over a stray root, a reminder that even if you'd been focusing your energy on not losing him, you were injured. The faster you could be in a hospital bed and without a lightness in your head, the better.

“Thank you." The words had barely rolled off of your tongue when you were suddenly in the presence of the lightning tree, which was monstrous as it towered over the other greenery.

“Minimal charring, it's an impressive conductor. Let's get started.” Beetee's voice is clear in the crisp night air, the fluttering and chirps of birds filling the air. Finnick’s warm hand guides you towards the tree, which you would consider to be rather intimidating. Beetee is instantly wrapping coils of the wire around the tree's branches. While he works you let yourself fall into the comfort of Finnick's neck, his scent, the warmth he exudes onto you. His free hand thrumming against your hip and you feel your brain leaving the moment before it's slightly occupied by Beetee's voice once again, “Typically a lighting strike contains five billion joules of energy, we don't want to be anywhere in the vicinity when this hits.” He's seemingly finished with his circles around the tree as he begins walking towards Katniss with the coil. “You and Johanna can go together now, take this, unspool it carefully, make sure the entire coil is in the water, you understand? Then head to the tree at the two o'clock sector. We’ll meet you there.” He's so precise, like a typewriter as it clicks out each letter.

From the look on her face Katniss seemingly does not understand, even in your slightly cloudy state you can tell she's unhappy with the letters clicked out. Peeta must feel the same way as he insists, “I'm gonna go with them as a guard." Johanna and Katniss would be just fine as each other's guards, and you can tell the so-called star crossed lovers plan to flee as soon as they can, not that you blame them. If there was no certainty you could survive with Finnick you would beg to do the same.

“No." Beetee instantly replies, his plan has made it through every cog in his brain. Peeta cannot be the wrench in the system that leads to freedom. “No, no, no, no, you're staying here to protect me and the tree.” The cloudy state is dissipating, if there's a plan you believed in it was Beetee’s and this stopped it from going off without a hitch you could feel the spiral around the corner.

“No, I need to go with her." Peeta stood his ground and you felt Finnick stand up straighter. Your own heart felt like it would thrum right out of your chest if the delay continued.

“There are two Careers out there, I need the guards."

Peeta pointed at you and Finnick, “They can protect you just fine on their own, two for two Careers." You cursed Peeta Mellark for trying to make holes in a plan he didn't even know about, but what he was aware of was irrelevant when you were all so close.

“If you want three, why can't Johanna stay with them too and Peeta and I will take the coil." Katniss interjected, the air was now tense.

Beetee walked closer towards her, “You all agreed to keep me alive until midnight, correct?”

"It's his plan, we all agreed to it.” Johanna chimed in, her voice still full of its usual blunt aggression, but you can sense the anxiety involved in keeping the plan on track.

“We should just stick to the plan and after we'll all meet up in sector two anyways." You try to say it softly enough as to not imply some sort of scheme worked out against the couple.

“Is there a problem, here?" Finnick tilts his head in Katniss' direction. She stares back at him for what feels like hours, like she's pondering her own response.

"Excellent question." Beetee has taken another step forward.

“No, but it should be three and three." Katniss eventually says, looking firmly at Finnick and then at Beetee. “She comes with me and Johanna." Katniss nods to you and suddenly your fogged state is truly gone.

“No." Finnick says too quickly.

Katniss shrugs, “Then we find another way to split it, but three and three is fair." She's trying to use you as leverage to keep Peeta safe, if any cannon goes off she'd attack you, you're sure of it.

The familiar sensation of nausea has once again nestled itself inside of you. How could you leave Finnick after you'd sworn to stay by his side as a reminder of your mutual safety, of you future together? Yet the plan needed to be executed in even less time now, regardless of what the cost may be. Your nose felt congested with the panic, but slowly you forced your heavy head to nod. “It's okay, I'll go."

The way Finnick looked at you for that you're sure will forever stay etched in the darkest caverns of your memory, like you've betrayed him. “Great, there's no problem then.” Katniss has already moved on to say her farewell to Peeta, but the pit in your stomach makes it almost impossible to look at Finnick.

"You said-” You have to stop him before he begins because you know you'll fall into a ball on the ground if the tensions rise anymore.

" I know what I said.” You croak out, "Finnick, there's no other way. We have to do it and I'll be back as soon as it's over. I really, I'm telling you I wouldn't do it if there was. Please, please, Finn believe me. And I'll find you right after.” You imagine you must sound somewhat incoherent in the way you can feel your own voice rushed and shaking, trying desperately to affirm your words. “Please." It's a plea for him to know you're doing it for him, for both of you, not because you didn't sincerely mean what you said. He nods slowly and you almost gag when you can't read the expression in his eyes.

Softly and slowly he taps part of your arm, ‘don’t forget,’ he's trying to say as he kisses your forehead before pressing his own to yours. He's shallowly breathing through his nose as he grips your shoulders.

Your voice is breaking as you beg for his trust, “Please, Finnick."

"It's okay.” He whispers and your brain screams that he's a liar. You don't deserve to have your feelings protected and you'll gladly spend the rest of your life making up for this. Then Finnick’s lips are on yours, the honey, the saltwater overwhelming your senses and you wish you could pause like this forever.

“We have to go." Johanna's gruff voice leads Finnick to pull away and you wish you could cry, grovel at his feet, and refuse to go with them. It's like weights are on your body when you begin to walk away, go back, go back, go back you tell yourself repeatedly. Yet you can't and you have to force your voice back to a normal volume, give a small smile. You've had years of training to act okay, but people from the Districts have always been more perceptive of the acts then those in the Capitol. At least you assume so, other victors at the very least know, the possibility that Katniss could fall into either category means you have to be extra careful. Make sure that she doesn't sense what has to be done to get them out of this wretched jungle.

“Yes, we're on a schedule.” You follow the two of them away from the lightning tree, your saving grace, Katniss is looking back at Peeta, but you know if you look back at Finnick the never ending, nagging self-reproach will make itself known. “We can trade off the coil if it feels too heavy, it's been a long day."

The rocks you're having to climb through don't make the trip any easier and the wounds still untreated in your back get increasingly sore. There's no telling how much distance you've actually put behind yourself and the tree, but it feels like an eternity. Which could just be due to the awkward silence that settled between you all. Apparently Johanna wasn't pleased with however much distance you had made in the time because her voice broke the quiet air, “Come on, I want to put as much distance between me and this beach as possible. Frying is not how I wanna go.”

You murmured out an agreement, somehow in the muggy air your body was still finding ways to be cold. You must just run cold because you could swear there were goosebumps taking over with every slight wisp of the wind. It made you miss having Finnick there with you, to keep you warm. Katniss seemed put off by something you couldn't see, “There's something…” She trailed off, pulling at the coil of wire that refuses to move. With a sudden jerk the wire bounced back, someone had cut it, Katniss dropped the coil behind her. You had less then a second to be caught off guard when Joanna shot you a look and you grabbed the coil, using all your force to knock out Katniss. There was no longer time to wait until after you'd taken the wire to the beach.

Katniss fell over and you tossed Johanna one of your knives, she swiftly was cutting the tracker out of Katniss' arms. Katniss was crying out in pain, you crouched over her shushing her as you saw Brutus getting closer. Johanna's bloody hands surrounded Katniss’ neck, if you were lucky she'd look close enough to death they wouldn't bother checking. Enobaria was in view now too and you took the knife from Johanna, throwing it in their direction which missed miserably, you were off your game.

“Stay down." Johanna hissed at Katniss before throwing her ax which also missed. Then the two of you were running the other direction. Brutus and Enobaria chasing you through the darkened jungle trees.

You could hear, far off, Finnick calling your name. “Where are you?" Yet before you could reply a spear was whizzing past your ear, you ducked, falling into the ground to keep you safe. Maybe if you buried yourself deep enough into the forest floor they would no longer be able to see you, but that was wishful thinking. You could hear grunting that just be fighting and your eyes searched in the dark for where the spear might have been, but you couldn't find it. Then there was a yell, your brain took a moment to register who it must have been, Chaff. A cannon echoed, your brain flashed with memories of how kind he'd been, drunk, reckless, how he could always make you laugh and loosen up at Capitol parties. You didn't know who'd killed him, but he was gone. Another reminder of what you needed to fight for, to escape for.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

District 4 was the same as you remembered it, while almost, even though the attitude was celebratory everything seemed much more bleak to you. You'd stared out the windows as you arrived at the outskirts, the waters were still glittering with the sun, no one was out working though, they must all have to be waiting for me, you told yourself. Sandy beaches and fields rushed past, you were excited to feel the heat underneath your feet once again.

“What's going on in that head of yours, sweet girl?" You'd nearly forgotten that Finnick was sitting not far off, letting you absorb the silence of the train car.

“Just ready to be home.” You allowed yourself to smile, to be excited, you felt like a pendulum of remorse for any positive thing happening, to elation that it was you who'd get those things. Maybe there would be no expected future of a crabbing business with Conway in a small, rickety beach house, but there was a grand home in Victor's Village now waiting for you, its own backyard being the expanses of the beach.

“You won't have much free time for a while, but I'll find time for us." Finnick scooted closer to you, “To picnic and swim as long as we can.” His ocean eyes are so talented at pretending to be okay, it hurts to think about it too hard.

"I'd love that.” He kisses you so softly you feel like the waves are slowly rippling around your body. You want him to consume you like the waves would, for your struggles to be washed away, and to live in the facade of a carefree, partying life he portrays for Panem. Even when you'd dated, sometimes he'd let it slip when it was the two of you, be resigned to his emotions, but most of the time he was full of adrenaline, excitement, laughter, and smugness. Maybe that's what you found so comforting, he could be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows which is how you felt. Conway was peaceful in a way that was almost dull, Finnick's chaos gave you, the peace that you supposed Conway would have given anyone else.

His hands, always radiating the heat of the sun and a thousand other stars, cradled your face when he pulled away to smile at you, “I'll be right by your side for the roughest parts and everything else, we can pretend it's just us, partying and thriving.” You didn't know if you could thrive, but you trusted him, if playing pretend made it easier you'd gratefully live every day in a fantasy.

You were both still young, if you could push away the dread thinking about what your actions had caused, then it would be a cake walk to act like you were still innocent on top of being young, dumb, and fun. Maybe it was true that there was nothing a few drinks couldn't fix, something you'd get to try out tonight, at the party where District 4 welcomed you back as their glorious, crowned victor. When you stepped off the train into the warm breeze made you smile at its familiarity, and the smell of fish that could sometimes reek simply made you ecstatic to be back, especially with the hints of salt water. It was hot and you were so blessed, the train had been blasting cool air as you sat in your tiny sundress, you would've sworn they were doing it on purpose, keeping you cold to remind you of how they'd nearly brought you to death and could do it again if they wanted to. You had no reservations of the Capitol’s cruelty, yet here you were so ready to lap up the rewards for being such a good puppet.

The train station was filled to the brim with familiar faces from all across the districts, school mates, buyers and sellers from the markets that you'd also missed so much, fellow crabbers your father was in competition with, cheering, smiling. Your win meant Parcel Day, meant pride for the District, it had been years since they'd won, not since Finnick, and here you were. You let yourself smile and wave back, trying to not let it falter when your eyes finally grazed over them. Conway’s family, it definitely must have been a requirement to come because they could not have been more than a cloud of complete darkness, a cloud that seemed like it would drag you in if you looked any longer. Some of them with their anger, seething as they started, others with a heartbreaking look of betrayal, and worse of all was his mother. Her numbness that you recognized from yourself that made you want to revert back into it. A voice you recognized called out to you, so you slowly peeled your eyes away from Mrs. Delmare.

Your sister, any feeling of dissociating into yourself fled when you saw her, helping your sickly mother stand. For what felt like the first time in years, they were all smiling. Of course they were, you'd saved them, you could give endless medicines, medical treatments, no one needed to worry about work anymore, not when you'd ensured it for them. Conway's family, the Delmares had a better off business, they had each other to stay afloat. If your sister took your place in the markets, trying to charm buyers, your mother would wither away and so would your shy sister. Maybe you weren't a part of their tight-knit group, but you still loved them and they needed you. Conway had said it himself, had validated that reason.

“Avonlea!" You smiled brighter, waving until your arm hurt. Eventually the Peacekeepers indicated it was time for the train station to empty out, you'd finally get some time with your family before rushing to get ready for a party with District 4’s finest, richest members. When the station had cleared of everyone except them, and of course your escort chatting excitedly with your designer team who'd been dragged along, Finnick and Ondine whispering something amongst themselves you'd run to your family.

You were shocked by your fathers hug, so loving, “Welcome back home, sweetheart." He whispered gruffly, voice deep and scratchy, the last time he'd hugged you was before you left for what he probably assumed was your certain death, and you couldn't remember one from before that. He pulled away from you, "I love you, we all do.” He said firmly.

You hummed out some sort of confused noise, "Everything was televised so when you talked to Conway about…” Your mom's frail voice trailed off into a cough that had you wincing.

"You're an important part of this family, we're sorry if you don't always feel loved, but you are.” Your father finished, gripping your shoulders like you'd slip away. It was sweet, but you'd never had any reservations about them not loving you, it wasn't just about love. It was the way you were never a part of them, whatever things they did together, was for them to do together, you'd go off, find Conway, find a party, and eventually you'd even found Finnick to keep your attentions occupied.

“I love you too." You kept smiling sweetly, “Mama, the new house is gonna be perfect for you, no leaks in the ceiling, the windows will stay shut at night regardless of the wind, the beach in our backyard, and I've already heard of all these new medicines."

“You're a sweet girl." Your mom smiled, reaching out for her cold hands to grab yours, “People might think differently around here after what they watched or think they saw in you, but you've always been caring to the core.” It meant a lot, you'd always envisioned your sister as the caring, compassionate one, not you with your days spent talking at the market as you sold your father's catches, before running off to find the excitement of other people. You felt like you were endlessly selfish, but maybe she was right, maybe your downfall would always be wanting to take care of someone else.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

It was more painful to get up than you'd anticipated, rocks scraping your hands, but you couldn't just lay there and play dead. In the faint light piercing the darkness you could make out Brutus fighting with what seemed to be Peeta. Where had he come from? Finnick was supposed to be keeping him safe, when had that all gone out the window?

Johanna and Enobaria were also in hand to hand combat, with one swoop Enobaria could knock Johanna over and rip out her throat with those formidable teeth. The part of you that yearned for Finnick, to listen to him, told you to run, call out, find him, apologize more for leaving once again, but you couldn't leave them like this. You'd have to resign yourself that no matter what you did, you lived in a tragedy of eternal guilt. You threw your remaining knife and it landed on Enobaria's shoulder. Her screech was almost animalistic, she turned to you and that was when Johanna had her swept onto the dirt.

In a mess of grunts Peeta had tackled Brutus. With the way Peeta presented himself it was shocking to see the brutality of his strength especially against someone who you would've ranked among the stronger of the tributes. What looked to be a rock was in his hand, crushing itself into Brutus’ skull, over and over until another cannon went off. Quickly followed by the rumbling of thunder, “Finnick!" You screamed instinctually, you needed to find him. Weren't you all supposed to be far from the tree and in sector two? You didn't even know what sector you were in or where to go from there.

“Where's Katniss?" Peeta asked, his voice rushed.

“She's okay, she's safe." Johanna responded, to the citizens of Panem it would seem like a clever lie, but it was at its core an honest reassurance. Suddenly your body hit the ground again, head hitting a rock, the way it seared made you think it tore open the wound that must have been trying to scab. Your assailant is almost growling, Enobaria trying to rip your throat open. You screech scratching at her hands when what you assume is Peeta throws her off of you.

Johanna helps you stand, but you feel like passing out as she pulls you up. There's something you're forgetting, something that needs to be done, Finnick needed you to do it. The pain burning into your head makes it nearly impossible to focus on what, “Johanna, there's something, god, I can't think of it."

“What do you mean, there's something?" Peeta asks when suddenly there's a buzzing noise, you think it's your head, but the others look up. Something pulses through the dome and suddenly the sky, the real sky is shining through. It's not night, it's bright as day.

“We have to go, sector two." Johanna pulls at your arm, you're excited, this is it, freedom, but you pull away from her.

“Finnick! Finnick!" You yell as loud as you can, stumbling forward when suddenly debris starts to fall from the sky. A tree catches on fire, quickly engulfing those around it in flames.

“We have to go." Johanna urges again, Peeta is confused, stunned.

“No, I told him, I promised." You insist, trying to forge on ahead although you feel like you're going to faint. “Finnick, Finn, where are you? It's me!"

Johanna grabs you again, her pulling is harsher this time, “He'll find us, let's go." But his lack of a response has your blood fused with anxiety, what if he was standing to close when the lighting struck? You had to find him, to make sure he was okay. She pulls you away and you lose balance as another piece of the dome falls. You're forgetting something, you all are, something on the tip of your tongue and you need to find Finnick, he'll know, he'll remind you. It has to be figured out now, he has to be found now, so later he can joke about how helpless you are, how glued to each other you are. A hovercraft, Plutarch should have a hovercraft, but that's not the missing thing.

Tears are filling your vision, fuck, fuck, fuck, you're so stupid, he told you something or showed you something. Why isn't Johanna more concerned, has she forgotten too? You've thrashed out of her grasp when this time a beam falling from the sky is about to fall on you. There's an attempt to move, but before it had you somewhat trapped beneath it, screaming in agony when the pressure hits. “Finnick!" Your screeching is out of breath, but you need him to find you. You're sobbing, too overwhelmed, this is not how it's supposed to go, back aching, head throbbing, burning pressure laying on top of you, and without the one person you need. This is why he didn't want you in here, why you should've resisted Katniss and stayed close.

You were stubborn and now you're going to die here, Finnick's going to spend eternity cursing your name for refusing to just listen to his needs, to his love. You can't hear what Johanna and Peeta are saying, you think they're trying to move the metal, but you can't feel your legs. All the pain is too much that it's suddenly like you can't feel too much of anything, except the fact that your eyes are begging to close. To fade into the darkness, to welcome death, at least you won't have to see his anger, his grief.

Oh your Finnick, the way he tasted like honey when he kissed you, how he smiled and it blinded you, the way his touch was like sunshine. Your Finnick who took care of you at your weakest moments, who took care of you in your best moments. The Finnick you read to, the Finnick who'd always remembered how much you loved peaches, the Finnick who owed you a proper wedding. Your last thoughts would be of him, his brightness before the darkness entrapped you forever.

You woke up to a blinding light, white walls making it even more grievous on your eyes, it was freezing, when you went to move your hands they rattled to the sides of the stiff bed you lay on you realized that death would have been a much kinder master. The vase of white roses already told you your fate would be a lot worse than then the death would have bestowed. When your mind finally caught up with itself, the surroundings had been properly recorded, the first thing you did was to pray for death.

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒂, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

thank you to all of those who've read and supported this series so far, I'm so excited to start the river and explore finnick's perspective during the events of mockingjay. in the mean time feedback is appreciated, comments, likes, reblogs all make my day! I'm always excited to answer asks and requests are open, I'm working on some right now for you guys. thank you all so much for all the support and I love you all 💋

(also lmk if you guys want to be on my normal taglist as well, I haven't been tagging anyone because I'm just running under the assumption most of you just want to be tagged for this, so lmk if you want to be tagged in my one-shots too! you're all so appreciated, I genuinely can't believe people want to be notified to read this little series I made up anyways ❤️)

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[hollowsart]

@chromacryptid

HONESTLY Yeah. That and like.. the flanderization….

Otto is a meek character who stutters and shows signs of struggling to stand up for himself. He bottles up his thoughts and sometimes it gets the better of him. He's paranoid and has so much at stake and feels he literally cannot escape.

Doc Ock is the release of Otto's frustrations and also his succumbing to his paranoia. He's bottled himself up enough to lash out and demand "respect" in the form of fear cuz that's all he's ever been shown from all we could tell.

People take these two sides and have kinda turned him into a parody of his character. This is a phenomenon that happens so often within fandom spaces. it's one thing if you're doing it as an obvious joke and you're more than aware of the deeper elements to the character and how they truly act.

it's another when you're doing it seriously.

Also, I don't think a whole lot of these people really understand what it's like to be a shy/timid/meek person, especially as an adult and how it's not something that can be easily overcome. There's a whole other world inside our minds that we battle with. our experiences are completely different from how media will often depict it. I know from my own experiences and my own personal struggle to find any characters who I really truly relate to without them being subjected to the one trope I hate the most "shy character learns to be bold and brash and confident and is no longer even the same character by the end"

Anxiety and paranoia and especially social anxiety.. they create one heck of a cocktail combination. a real nasty one.

allow me to go on a slight tangent here:

The way in which Otto acts as Doc Ock after the incident really shows how he still has elements of his old self in there.

He doesn't truly know what he's doing. He's acting how he thinks a strong person acts.... he's acting kinda how he thinks Norman does, if you really think about it. After all,

Otto thinks a LOT about his actions and what he's going to do next and what is probably a good plan. He tries not to just jump right into things, shutting down some of the others in the Sinister Six when they mention stuff that can be awfully rash. but even Otto has resorted to that himself. "Sorry Rhino, but we are doing this my way" and his outbursts when he is being belittled and rendered helpless by Spider-Man.

He holds his actuators in high regard and it feels like all an act in a sense when he's in prison and breaking out with the others trying to maintain his facade of confidence and superiority over the other members of their group. That is, until he gets his actuators back. without them he feels he's back to being weak and he has had enough of that, he doesn't want that. he's gotten a taste of the freedom and he wants to chase it.

He was so good at pretending to be back to his old self during that therapy session and when he plotted his own kidnapping, the fear and behavior.. it was all so natural for him.

but you could still tell with a couple lines when Electro was talking to him that he was acting, the lines he said sounded off. scripted almost.

[brucie-baby]

pls share your ocd Bruce thoughts. as in your thoughts about Bruce having ocd. Pls and tanks

[big warning for intrusive thoughts, compulsions, paranoia. i do list specific ocd thoughts in this post. please be careful and don't read if those might affect you in any negative way.]

his compulsions mostly lie around keeping his family safe. he spends a while each night after patrol doing a perimeter check and ensuring all the security is online/working (one night he accidentally fell asleep in the cave and didn't wake up until morning - alfred woke up startled to see bruce checking his pulse because you fell asleep without checking and now he's dead he's dead and it's your fault).

he struggles a lot with intrusive thoughts; they're quite difficult to combat because he knows they aren't real but also a fair few of them are based on things that have happened to him in the past so he's more than aware that they're still possible (e.g. your son is dead somewhere, go find him; your friend has turned evil, check you have your defence against them and get ready to use it). he often just gets incredibly graphic images in his head, and he digs his nails into his skin until it goes away.

another thought he struggles a lot with is 'this person is an imposter. they are wearing someone else's face. this is not the person you know'. this is one that he definitively knows isn't true but also it's happened before so it can happen again. it makes him feel a little silly whenever this happens, because his way around it is to find somebody he does trust in that moment and stay near them whilst keeping a subtle eye on the 'imposter', and it makes him feel like a little kid hiding behind his mother's legs at a gala all over again.

there are some positives though!! he's not too sure why but these paranoid thoughts aren't often in regards to j'onn, so occasionally he'll request for j'onn to scan someone's mind to check if they are who they say they are, and j'onn does it with no questions asked. j'onn doesn't fully understand why bruce needs him to do this but he does recognise the spike in anxiety just before bruce asks and the relief bruce feels after, and so he does it because he knows it helps his friend, even if he doesn't know why.

(sometimes, when it's just him and the 'imposter' in the room, he just leaves. he doesn't explain. he doesn't say goodbye. he just leaves. he tells himself that it's to ensure his own safety. he ignores the way it feels like fleeing.)

he has a lot of little compulsions too, like rapping his knuckles against a specific part of the wall before using the zeta tube (if he doesn't, the transport will rip them apart). whenever somebody questions it, he says it's for luck. this leads to the team believing batman to be incredibly superstitious. the only people that know the truth are dick, jason, tim and alfred. eventually he does tell clark and diana, and he stops trying to hide it around the rest of the batfamily, but he does not like people knowing about it.

[thefrogman]

On fucking up...

The house has been incredibly quiet since my dad passed. And that quiet turns into loneliness quite often for me. So last night I decided to use every spoon I had to go to the movies. I swallowed my social anxiety and went out into the world.

The theater had these recliners that sit on a raised step. But when you are actually sitting in the seat you can't see that step. Once the movie was over I forgot about the step. I got up to leave and my ankle caught it on the way down. I flew forward and crashed into the back of a row of seats.

A middle aged gentlemen saw this and said, "Gee buddy, this your first day walking?"

And the other 8 people in the theater gave a boisterous laugh.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Making a mistake feels bad.

Making a mistake in public is an embarrassing lesson in humility.

And making a mistake witnessed by 15,000 people is terrifying.

When you get something wrong and people call you out, your first instinct is to dig in. Everyone wants to dig in. Which is usually the worst possible reaction. You want to defend yourself. You don't want to believe you were wrong. And you start spewing out reasons why you can't be wrong. I think the current vernacular calls this "tweeting through it."

Over the years I have tried very hard to fight that instinct to dig in. To consider what people have said and recheck my facts to see if my original information could be inaccurate. And sometimes you find out you were right and strengthen your point of view.

But when you find out you were duped or misunderstood the information, there is nothing quite like that sinking feeling.

And when you are wrong in front of 15,000 people... that sinking feeling goes to the center of the earth.

You get sucked into a thought spiral...

"How do I fix this? Do I send a message to all 15,000 people? Do I just post a video of me repeatedly punching myself in the face? Do I delete the post? No, can't delete the post, people will think you are trying to hide your mistake. Plus all those reblogs."

You have to accept the fact that even if you publicly admit you were wrong, a lot of those people are never going to see it. They are going to believe the thing and possibly spread it to others.

You've created a runaway freight train and you just have to watch it crash into stuff.

The sad thing is I have learned this lesson a few times in my 10+ years of being a minor public figure. It has caused me to be so paranoid about passing along bad information that I will fact check things to death. Sometimes 5 or 6 sources. I'll look at reputable sources and disreputable sources. And I'll try to corroborate those disreputable sources just as an exercise to give me confidence I have the best information at that time.

But the other night I finished watching John Wick 4 and was high on action juice. I started watching every John Wick video on YouTube. My history shows about 40 videos. And at 2 or 3am I heard the director being hyperbolic in a podcast clip and thought a fun fact was too great not to share.

I thought, "I'm not telling people to eat horse paste for COVID. I'm not pretending I'm a submarine expert who knows exactly how to save people at the bottom of the ocean. It's just a flippy gun maneuver. I'm sure Chad knows what he is talking about."

So I posted the thing on my personal blog with sleep in my eyes and figured it was fine. And after 500 notes no one had really said anything, so I thought it was okay to share on my main blog.

And that was my biggest mistake. I deemed the subject matter to be trivial so I lowered my standards.

I forgot that damn step was there and flew into the seats.

There are dishonest people on the internet. Tons of them. People who will post dangerous misinformation without a care. People who have a pattern of lying. Grifters who thrive on baiting people for clicks. And I think it has caused us to react to bad information with hostility by default. People forget that there are still honest people who just make a mistake or get duped. Yet they can still feel the need to make people feel stupid for believing something that seems so obvious to them.

I have been guilty of this myself. I have called people out forgetting they are a human being behind that social media avatar.

The first person to call me out just said, "This is not true, LMFAO."

That's not helpful.

People made me feel like I was a liar. And I am very sensitive to that. For years doctors, family, and friends were skeptical of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And when someone accuses me of being dishonest, I get very anxious and see red.

But I tried very hard not to dig in. I asked for more information--for evidence. Just point me in a direction so I can figure out what's true. But I got angry when all they said was that I was wrong without elaboration. Which is another form of digging in.

I guess I'm asking people to start with compassion before hostility. Maybe if we don't know the person or they have been a mostly reliable source, we can give people a chance. If the person has a history of deception, that's a different story. Bad faith is usually pretty easy to spot.

I remember for a long time I used to love telling people their blood was blue until it was exposed to oxygen. It was just the funnest fun fact I had ever heard and I *needed* others to know the thing I knew. Giving people knowledge can be intoxicating. But then I told my good friend who just became a medical resident and he was like, "I don't remember that in medical school. I think that might be an urban legend."

I still got that sinking feeling and I still had flashbacks to every person I told... but I was grateful he was so kind when he corrected me.

You can correct someone with kindness.

I'd ask that you imagine yourself in their shoes. Think about how embarrassing it is when you get something wrong. And just be like, "Hey, I think you got some bad information. Here's why."

When someone faceplants into a row of seats, metaphorically or otherwise, maybe ask if they are okay before laughing at them.

[s1llynjury]

Caught in the rain ★ Hobie Brown x gn reader ★

★

Hi! how are y'all doing? It's been raining so much where I live lately...so I'll make a problem to everyone lol😔 as always, hope you enjoy the fic ans have a good day🫶

word count: 1.3k

★

The bustling streets of downtown seemed endless, with the sounds of life enveloping you and Hobie as you strolled together. The city was alive with the energy of people going about their day, street performers creating melodies, and vendors shouting out their wares. Hobie, ever the embodiment of cool nonchalance, walked beside you, his arm casually draped over your shoulder, grounding you in the midst of the chaos. "Got any plans for lunch?" Hobie asks, his voice effortlessly cutting through the noise. "Not really," you reply, shrugging lightly. "I thought we'd just see what we stumble upon." he grins, a flash of mischief in his eyes. "Sounds like a plan."

As you continue walking, suddenly, the sky darkened ominously. Thick, heavy clouds rolled in, casting a shadow over the city. You felt a familiar pang of anxiety gnawing at the edges of your mind. You tried to focus on Hobie’s voice, his easy banter about a new song he was working on, but the first raindrop splattering on your cheek sent a shiver down your spine. Your heart skips a beat. The unexpected downpour catches you off guard, and a familiar, unwelcomed feeling starts to creep in.

Rain. It's just water, you tell yourself, but it doesn't help. "Hey, you okay?" Hobie's voice broke through the rising tide of your anxiety. His eyes, sharp and attentive, searched your face for an answer. "Yeah, just... it's starting to rain," you replied, your voice wavering slightly. He tilted his head, concern etching lines on his otherwise carefree face. "You don't like the rain, huh?" you shook your head in response, the memories flooding back with the downpour. The rain had always been a trigger for you, a stark reminder of a night you had tried hard to forget. The sound of rain hitting the pavement, the cold seeping into your bones: it all took you back to that time when you had felt utterly helpless and alone, it was a suffocating feeling, that over the years made you paranoid to avoid the rain as much as you could, this time too: you had checked the weather beforehand, since lately had been pouring every other day, but it wasn't supposed to rain today, you even took a different bag from your usual one and forgot to bring your umbrella, the added layer of unexpectedness just made you feel worse and even more defenseless over the gloomy weather.

Hobie seemed to understand without needing further explanation. He tightened his arm around you, steering you gently but firmly towards a nearby alley. The narrow passage offered some shelter from the rain, the overhangs of the buildings creating a small, dry space. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to get you out of the immediate downpour. "Let's get you somewhere dry," Hobie murmured, his voice a soothing balm. "There's an old bookstore around the corner. It's usually pretty quiet." You nodded, grateful for his understanding, you appreciated him being there with you to help, still you couldn't help but feel the lingering anxiety that made your heart shrink: your jaw clenched tightly, your heartbeat basically drumming in your chest as your eyes hitched with tears threatening to spill out. You were grasping to Hobie, not really registering his words, if he was saying any at all, you just looked down, trying to focus on your steps, hoping to get somewhere indoors as soon as possible.He led you through the rain-slick streets with a determined stride, his presence a beacon of calm amidst the chaos.

The bookstore he brought you to was a small, cozy place, its warm light spilling out into the dreary street like a promise of comfort. Inside, the air was filled with the rich aroma of aged paper and the soft rustling of pages. Hobie guided you to a corner of the store, where a few worn armchairs offered a comforting embrace. He slid into the chair beside you, his hand finding yours as you were trying to dry yourself a little as best as you possibly could, besides all the negatives connotations rain had for you, you just hated the lingering coldness that being wet from the rain brought. As the rain hammered against the windows, you felt the tightness in your chest begin to ease a little. Hobie picked up a book, flipping through its pages, his voice a steady, reassuring presence as he read aloud a passage. His words, simple and sincere, wrapped around your heart like a protective shield. "Talk to me," he urged gently. "What's got you so worked up about the rain?" You took a deep breath, the scent of old books grounding you. "It's... it reminds me of something that happened a long time ago. I was caught in a storm, I was with a few friends...it had been such a draining and stressful day so when it started pouring I just... exploded. It was a particular situation were we couldn't get to a shelter right away, so we had to walk under the downpour for a long time before being able to get somewhere dry...it was terrifying, I felt horrible and I know I just annoyed and unnecessarily worried the others around me... and ever since then, heavy rain just brings it all back." Your voice was slightly quivering, to you it felt a little silly talking about how basically water falling down from the sky scared you, but at that moment it wasn't something you could brush off, as you not liking the rain, like you always did in the past with other people when talking about not wanting to go out during bad weather.

Hobie nodded, his eyes filled with understanding. "I'm sorry you went through that, but you're not alone now. I'm here with you." His words, simple and sincere, wrapped around your heart like a protective shield. You leaned into him, drawing strength from his unwavering presence. The rain continued to fall, but it felt less threatening with Hobie by your side. He kept you distracted with stories and jokes as you looked around the vary bookstore's aisles, his voice a steady anchor in the turbulent sea of your emotions. Gradually, the anxiety ebbed, replaced by a warm sense of security. Hobie’s hand remained in yours while you walked around the place, a constant reminder that you weren’t facing this alone. As the storm outside began to wane, you realized that the rain no longer held the same power over you. With Hobie beside you, you felt capable of weathering any storm, both literal and metaphorical.

"Thank you, for being here." you whispered, your gratitude spilling over like the rain outside. Hobie smiled, squeezing your hand. "Anytime, love. Anytime." You kept looking around the store for a little longer, talking to him about some particular books you liked and others you were interested in reading, before getting outside again: hands still intertwined, with the sky back to a much clearer look.

"Now what? Somewhere else you want to go to?" Hobie asked warmly, his gaze fixated on yours. "Oh no... nowhere at all, my clothes are still drenched. I just want to go back home, take a good hot shower, and get all comfy on the couch, with a tons of blankets making me forget about the turnout of events." you quipped jokingly, even though you actually meant what you said. Hobie couldn't help but laugh at your words as he gave your hand a little squeeze. "Well, I'm sure I can help you with that." he murmured, a bit of mischief in his tone as you were already looking at the map on your phone to figure out the way back to your apartment while he wrapped his arms around your waist, the damp sleeves of his jacket making you shiver a little as you were just wearing a thin shirt. "Hey you, stop it!" you whined, he didn't budge at your words as he leaned his chin on the top of your head, keeping the playful banter going until you two were back home.

★

[creedslove]

hello could you please do an imagine of being nervous to tell pedro your pregnant then how he would be throughout the pregnancy please.

Agent Whiskey (Jack Daniels) x f!reader

A/N: I changed your request to Whiskey because it screams Whiskey honey, I'm sorry if you're disappointed 💔

When you found out you were pregnant, you never such anxiety before

You were sure you were taking your birth control pills correctly so it was a huge surprise when you felt the classic symptoms: nausea, tiredness, delays in your period and of course you also knew contraception could fail but it was usually that kind of thing you thought that would happen to other people, not you

And the fact Jack finished inside of you most of the time didn't help

At your first symptoms, neither of you even thought of the possibility, brushing it off as a cold or something simple, but as he left for a mission you got intrigued and by the time you decided to take the test, you weren't sure if the symptoms were so evident or if you were too paranoid and it was the only thing you could think about

So you took the test and you couldn't believe it when it came out positive

So you decided to take a blood test to be 100% sure

And you were 100% pregnant

And then you spent the rest of the days wondering how you could tell Jack about it, as you two never really discussed about having kids but you knew all about his past and all the trauma that came with it

So you were really really scared of his reaction. What if he didn't like it? What if he sent you away? Broke up with you? So many scenarios ran through your mind and it all increased the worry you felt

And then Jack returned home, he had missed you so much, he could swear he was getting too old for that, before you he loved the thrill of going on a mission, flying the world and kicking bad guy' asses, but now all he could think of was coming back home alive for you

So he thought it was a little odd how startled you were around him and how you'd jump whenever he entered a room unannounced

Jack was great at observing and he could tell something was definitely going on, you were never wary around him like that and you definitely didn't refuse his touch like you were doing

So he just cornered you and demanded to know what was going on. A lot of insecure thoughts also ran through his mind. Were you in love with someone else? You didn't love him anymore?

But all these thoughts were dead and gone the moment he saw your eyes filling up with tears and your shaky voice admitting you were pregnant

Jack's mouth went dry, his own eyes filled with tears and he was sure the air escaped his lungs

He could feel his own hand shaking with nervousness and shock but he still touched your womb, he smiled at you and kissed your lips, his heart racing at the happiness he felt at that moment, he was going to be a dad after all

And during the months that passed, Jack was nothing but loving and protective of you and the baby, he would cuddle you at every single opportunity, his hand on your belly, stroking it and talking to the baby inside so the baby gets used to his voice

Jack taking you to all the appointments and always being with you, holding your hand and crying when the two of you listened to your baby's heartbeats every time

Jack building the nursery by himself, panting the walls, fixing up the room, picking the decoration, helping you place the baby clothes in the dresser

Getting a tiny little baby stetson hat so your kid can be a cowboy like their daddy

Massaging your swollen feet and your aching back

Making sure to remind you how beautiful and desirable you are even if you don't feel that way as your due date approaches

Jack freaking out when your water broke and rushing you to the hospital

Holding your hand through the whole thing, praising and encouraging you for doing an amazing thing which is literally giving birth to another human being

And finally Jack not being able to hold back his emotion and crying when he holds his newborn for the first time, being so mesmerized at how perfect that tiny little baby and how much he loves them

_____

[schizoem]

TW: REALITY CHECKING, SCARY BELIEFS

I fear I'm faking being on the schizospec, although my psychiatrist thinks otherwise. I hope this isn't taken in the wrong way, but I don't seem schizophrenic.

As in, I've never been hospitalized for it, how do I know I'm having hallucinations, my delusions?

I feel as though I've been lied to. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder... but I don't think I have those disorders... I feel that my anxiety and my depression are caused by psychosis.

I literally couldn't leave my house because If I did then the Earth would lose gravity and we would just fly up into the sky. Or other times I was too afraid to move because I knew I suddenly turned into a huge spider and If I moved and looked down, I would see my legs.

Since I was thirteen, I started thinking existential thoughts and had these beliefs, "I'm not real" "the world is not real", "what if I died or I'm in a coma?" (Sometimes I can hear the heartbeat monitor). I hear people say my name, and I ask those around me, and they tell me they didn't hear anything. I hear a voice that says, "HEY!" Really loud every now and then. I see bugs out of the corner of my eyes. I feel like I am not in my body but rather in my eyeballs and my brain is in my eyes.

I can't look around corners or outside my windows in fear that the alien creature is watching me. He is always there. He clicks his tongue, and I can HEAR IT! I hear constant ringing in my ears, my head. What if God decided he was done with the Earth and just poof! The existence ended. It's just abrupt.

I can't watch certain movies, videos, or content that talks about existential ideas. What if I'm dreaming all of this? Every morning, I pinch my skin to see if it hurts to know if I'm dreaming still or not. One time, I told my teacher to stop reading a book because I had woken up that day and I felt super off and not real.

The "panic attacks" I get, I become stiff and can't move at all, it feels like I'm slipping between dimensions and reality is shattering and I'm gonna find out that I'm really being controlled like a Sim. Someone is making me do these things. My family is not my family, I've been adopted even though there is proof that I belong to them. I don't know who I am, my name is not me, I am not me. I share bodies with someone else. I feel that I woke up at age 13 and I don't remember anything before then.

Anyone who is on the schizospec, is this familiar? Does what I experience seem to be the beginning phases of schizophrenia or other spectrum? I'm so paranoid about faking and thinking I'm just making it up, but I live daily, so paranoid of my brain and the thoughts I have. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, and I'll speak to my psychiatrist about this, but I feel safe asking the Schizospec community because you are the ones who live with the disorders.

Thank you if you respond. I sincerely appreciate it.

[silviakundera]

I'm gonna need kunning palace to give me a lot of the main otp in the last episodes, we have 8 left (this is why I don't f*ck with this 40 ep rule because now that we're getting the main relationship the show is over and everything that came before was also necessary). I'm gonna need to see how deep JXN's love for him becomes, I know people are obsessed with dedicated ML but I enjoy otps where it's more equal and I love seeing a female lead protect and support her otp the way he does her, even if it takes a while like in ming lan she had completely reasonable issues and took a while to warm up to him but when she did she was 1000% in and showed just how much she loved him, I personally don't appreciate unbalanced relationships where it's just one party sacrificing and being a lot more dedicated no matter the genders.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS WARNING MAJOR SPOILERS

Hard to say, depends on how close they stay to the book. They've been quite faithful to the novel so far but at the point we are now is where I feel fairly confident that we're gonna diverge. Because in the novel the otp gets VERY dark before they get better. There's a reason why Xie Wei has been holding himself back & restraining his emotions. He's a whole mess of anxiety & PTSD and he has to work through his traumas. Both these characters have been a burningdog.gif meme and saying everything is just fiiiiiiiine but in the novel when they finally get alone on center stage together things get REAL because it's masks off. And underneath they are a whole mess.

imo the key to this pairing, and why we don't get a love confession from her until the very end, is what she thinks when she finally publically claims him (fittingly, she doesn't claim the lauded scholar but the unhinged figure that the public now finds monstrous):

Shen Zhiyi asked: "Ning Ning, do you know what kind of person he is?”

Jiang Xuening said, "I know."

This person forced her to kill in his previous life; even in this life, he still thought about taking her to die with him. He is definitely not a good person. How could she not know?

It can even be said that she knows better than anyone else. Because she has seen his truest and craziest side.

Shen Zhiyi asked again: "Do you like him?"

Jiang Xuening thought for a while and said, "I like him."

At this moment, Xie Wei's palm trembled slightly, but there seemed to be thousands of lights and shadows passing by in his mind, and finally there was nothing left, just staring at her blankly.

Yan Lin stood too far away, no one could see his blurred expression clearly.

Shen Zhiyi also didn't speak for a long time.

She didn't fully agree, she was afraid that her Ning Ning would be sad because of the wrong choice, but she couldn't stop her, and all her worries finally turned into one sentence: "Then you really know what you are doing now?"

Jiang Xuening smiled at her: "I understand."

And not only know what to do now, but also what to do in the future.

So calmly: "I want to marry him."

"..."

That night, he asked her once, but she didn't answer, so he never dared to ask again.

But now she says she wants to marry him. Xie Wei suddenly couldn't tell whether this was real or a dream: didn't she want to leave him and go find Zhang Zhe?

Jiang Xuening also saw that he didn't comprehend. "You are really, extremely smart, but you just don't like people."

Talking about love, this person is stupid to death.

I am too afraid of losing what I have, and I seem to think that what I have will eventually be lost, so I am paranoid, extreme, and I refuse to show weakness to others and say all those words.

Jiang Xuening felt that this person was too similar to her previous self.

There are some things that I don't understand, so I bash my head against it.

She blinked, with tears in her eyes, but took his hand, tiptoed to kiss his cool thin lips."

//

Part of the reason she feels so deeply for him is their deep down similarity, but the novel is Jiang Xuening's journey to love & accept herself, letting go of the pain & shame from the past. She doesn't reach this point until the end, where she recognizes and accepts her own darkness and thus his, and also believes it doesn't need to define their future. Everyone now thinks she is the saint and he's the sinner but she knows they are both.

The novel epilogue shows they are finding a peaceful life together, the urge to fight and claw at life and each other has finally passed. But though in the last 30% of the novel we get tons of couple-time, all the gestures of devotion are coming from him. She's not ready. I frankly have no idea how much the drama will change the last 30%, and it won't land the same cause I'm sure they have to tone down how scary the ML gets...but regardless I do think we won't get a confession until the last act.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for arguing with my mom over cameras?

For context, my (19F) mother (40sF) lives alone a majority of the time. She divorced my father (40sM) years ago and so she has split custody with him of me and my brother (15M).

Recently I arrived home from work to find a home-security camera facing towards the entryway to the house. I thought this was weird. I went upstairs to the living room and there was another camera in there, this one facing the couch. Uncomfortable, I turned it around so it faced the wall. When my mother came upstairs, I asked her about the cameras, and she said the one downstairs is for security- she lives alone, she wants to see who comes in and out of the house. The one upstairs, she said, was so she can watch our dog (12M) when she's not home.

I took issue with the cameras because I think they're a major invasion of privacy. At my dad's house, he also has lots of cameras and motion-activated lights set up around all corners of the outside of the house, because he's paranoid about intruders. I hate his cameras and lights, as it makes the house feel like a prison, and I can't leave or arrive without him seeing. I've tried talking to him about his cameras, but he won't listen, even when I tell him he's way overstepping in his guarding against "intruders".

My mom also thinks my dad is ridiculous with his cameras, but now I feel she's doing something similar with hers, except worse since they're inside the house. I told her the cameras (especially the one in the living room facing the couch) made me feel like my privacy was being invaded. I asked her, if she was so worried about intruders, why she doesn't lock her door (that's another thing- a majority of the time my mom leaves her front door unlocked). She told me she does lock her door, and that she's more worried about people breaking in at night while she's sleeping, or during the day while she's away (even though we live in a safe area where this hardly ever happens and her apartment is pretty hidden from the road). She also told me it's so she can check to see if my grandparents are entering the house without her permission since they have a set of keys, but that's another can of worms entirely. Basically, she has the camera because it gives her peace of mind.

I asked her why have one in the living room, since the dog has been fine all day by himself for years. She said because he's getting older she's worried about him. She also said she's worried about having people she doesn't know in the house to watch him-apparently she thinks the dogwatchers we hire when we go on trips are going to hurt the dog? I'm really not sure. She said she wants to be able to check on the dog to make sure he's not anxious during the day, but I asked her even if he was anxious, what could she do about it if she's not home? She works 8 hour days 5 days a week. If she sees the dog is anxious, she can't just drop everything and run home to check on him. I think the camera would make her anxiety over the dog worse. My philosophy is what she doesn't see, she can't worry about.

I told her she sounded super paranoid, and that I thought the cameras were an invasion of my privacy, since I know that home-security cameras can get hacked by bad actors, and also I didn't want her watching me enter the house and hang out in the living room. She told me I could just unplug the camera in the living room when I got home, which yeah, I can do, but still. It's a camera in the house. I don't like that. I'm already watched on cameras at work, I don't want to be watched by cameras at home.

Anyway, this whole thing devolved into a big argument that led to her saying me and my brother make her feel bad about herself as a parent because we "always argue with her about things she wants instead of being supportive" and just generally making me feel bad for even saying anything.

Maybe I'm the asshole here. I understand her point of view- it is scary living alone, but I hate cameras and I don't want to live in a surveillance state in my own home. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable here, but maybe I am. I want her to feel safe in her own home, and if this is how she feels safe I suppose I should just accept it... idk.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[kale-smoothies]

I really want to hear someone ramble about music and characters, and this is the second time I’ve seen those songs being used to describe Scourge so please explain away.

if you want of course.

OKAY OKAY GIRL ANACHRONISM MOSTLY FEELS LIKE PRISON SCOURGE

everytime i listen to the song i imagine an animatic so ill do my best to explain why I associate the song with Scourge.BUT ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS LIKE THESE so forgive me if it doesn’t make sense

From the scars on my arms And the cracks in my hips And the dents in my car And the blisters on my lips That I'm not the carefullest of girls

Scars on his arms and blisters on his lips cause he’s always fighting AND being tossed around like basketball (He was used as a basketball in one panel) so I always think he had some small lasting scars on his body or something

And the strings that're breaking And I keep on breaking more And it looks like I am shaking But it's just the temperature

Okay FIRST TWO LINES, I like to take it as a metaphor for losing control. Scourge lost control over his life and KEEPS losing control in prison, OR it could be a metaphor for losing sanity. As Scourge was seen being super paranoid at one point, maybe everything he’s going through is slowly chipping at his sanity.

last two lines, shaky hands due to anxiety but also because he’s cold at night since he doesn’t have a mattress or a pillow or a blanket

If it were any colder I could disengage If I were any older I could act my age But I don't think that you'd believe me

It's not the way I'm meant to be It's just the way The operation made me

“I could act my age..” GUYS HE’S 17!! He did all he did when he was 17! Barely 17 too. “The way the operation made me.” IT’S THE NARRATIVE! HE’S TALKING ABOUT THE NARRATIVE! HE WOULDN’T BECOME WHO HE WAS IF HE WASN’T SHOVED INTO THE VILLAIN SHAPED COOKIE CUTTER THAT THE UNIVERSE WANTED TO MOLD HIM INTO! He accepted and embraced his role as Anti Sonic which is WHY HE’S SUCH A DICK! HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SONIC! BUT THAT’S WHAT FLOWING

And you can tell From the state of my room That they let me out too soon And the pills that I ate Came a couple years too late And I've got some issues to work through

State of his room AS IN solitary confinement. They DEFINITELY tossed his ass in SC multiple times in the first week, BELIEVE ME. And he’d go crazy over no chaos energy, no movement, no running, no form of communication, just him, himself, and the darkness of his thoughts and his past regrets IT WOULD EAT HIM ALIVE

also he has ALOT of issues to work through Imposter syndrome, Superiority complex, parental issues, possible feelings of inadequacy. Which is probably why he never went to therapy with Zouge. He doesn’t want to open up and admit he has problems with people he doesn’t know

There I go again Pretending to be you Make believing That I have a soul beneath the surface

“Pretending to be you.” HE’S TALKING ABOUT SONIC!! Like? Like?? “I’m sonic at his fullest potential.” IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT THIS IS LITERALLY HIM!!

I was taken out Before the labor pains set in and now Behold the world's worst accident I am the girl anachronism

Literally him went he went green! He was taken out before he turned super AND so behold the world’s worst accident: scourge. He was never meant to be green, he just jumped off the road of the narrative with that little escape

And you can tell By the red in my eyes And the bruises on my thighs And the knots in my hair And the bathtub full of flies That I'm not right now at all

Red eyes due to insomnia, bruises because of fights, knots in his quills because of lack of self care…

There I go again Pretending that I'll fall Don't call the doctors 'Cause they've seen it all before They'll say just

Let her crash And burn She'll learn The attention just encourages her

“Don’t call the doctors!” THATS HIM! NO BODY CALLS THE GUARDS WHEN HE’S BEING BEATEN SHITLESS! BECAUSE ZOBOTNIK DOESN’T WANT THEM TO!!!!1! “Let her crash and burn she’ll learn. The attentoin just encourages her.” DO YOU SEE MY VISUON

And you can tell From the smoke at the stake That the current state is critical Well it is the little things, for instance

In the time it takes to break it She can make up ten excuses Please excuse her for the day It's just the way the medication makes her

First part is probably Moebius after Scourge disappeared? Did it fall into anarchy? Did Alicia Acorn or the supression squad take control?

I genuinely don’t know how to explain the last line but its him its him its so him AUGGHHHHHHH

[misc-obeyme]

Really random, but I think Barbatos would be very good at calming down paranoia. It's pretty obvious why; his calming presence, his calming tea, his overall comfort. While all of that is fine and dandy, I think it would also be in an "I'm the most terrifying thing in this house" type of way!

Mc being paranoid about the cursed paintings in the Demon Lord's Castle and Barbatos is just like "You need not worry about them. I am far more dangerous, and you have me on your side." This makes sense, right??? Idk, it makes sense to me.

Maybe it's because he practically raised Diavolo. Maybe it's because he's practically raising Luke, but he just has that supportive vibe!!

Same thing with anxiety. You're anxious? There's a delicious tea for that! You're not in the mood for tea? Well, I've heard mearly having someone else's presence with you could help! You don't want me near you right now? That's alright, I'll wait for you!

He definitely keeps things to help with nerves on his person at all times. He pays attention. He learns through trial and error and observations the things that help you and the things that don't. He's always there looking out for you.

Even if you're just feeling a bit down. He'll either be upfront about it and give you something to cheer you up, or out of nowhere, your favourite treat has magically appeared next to you! Or if you'd like, tell him what's wrong. He's always up for listening.

Honestly, you don't even have to be upset for him to do these things! He'd just go above and beyond whenever you are.

But really, it wouldn't take much for him to calm me down or cheer me up. Just imagine chilling in bed together, not actually doing anything yet still loving the moment. No words even need to be spoken to appreciate the romance of the moment. Just being near him would make me feel so incredibly peaceful and relaxed, I'd most definitely fall asleep.

Anywhoosies, I know this is probably a very popular thought, but I wanted to share silly style anyway!!

Also, I'm happy you think my sleep purring is adorable, I was giggling about that for awhile djwjdwk You're really fueling my late-night-scenarios-to-fall-asleep-to

This is exactly why I love Barbatos so much.

I have a lot of anxiety and I have a lot of shame and guilt around that anxiety. So I don't usually tell people when I'm anxious. I try as hard as possible to hide it.

But Barbatos is observant. And if you spend enough time with him, he'll be able to tell when you're dealing with a lot of anxiety, even if you don't say anything.

The idea that someone is paying enough attention to notice these things about you even when you try to hide it is just... top tier romance for me.

And Barb's whole thing is taking care of people. He wants people to be happy and comfortable. So I can just imagine him doing exactly what you say - kind of trial and error figuring out what works best for you when you're struggling with something.

Add to all that the fact that Barbatos is considered one of the most powerful demons in the Devildom and you've got no reason to feel anything other than calm and safe in his presence.

There's just something about knowing that the person who is being all calm and comfort with you is actually extremely dangerous and everybody else should be wary lol.

And I think it would help with any kind of issue along those lines: anxiety, paranoia, depression, etc etc. Anything where your mind is the culprit and it feels like nobody could possibly understand because they can't be inside your mind with you. Barb can see how it changes you, he can tell when you're suffering, even if you do everything you can to keep it in.

And he's going to be able to give you the space you need to be honest about it. He would sit with you, like you said, he would listen to you if you needed to just rant, he would let you cry on his shoulder if that's what helps.

He isn't afraid of your emotions. He's not going to judge you for them. He's just going to help you however he can.

So yes, I fully agree with you on all of this!

[skys-archive]

In case you haven't been able to tell from my recent posts (or just haven't seen them, which, fair) I have psychosis. And I decided I wanted to talk about it while I was thinking about it.

I'm not going into detail of symptoms, but if conversation around delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, and disassociation could potentially trigger you please keep yourself safe. I do describe symptoms a bit and give a few examples. Also warning - a very brief mention of self harm.

Anyway, I've suffered with some psychotic symptoms since I was really little. (Side note - on its own these aren't psychosis. But because I have psychosis I noticed these are tendencies I had as a child that are similar) I would mix up dreams and reality very very often, even take out anger of things that happened on people in real life, or believe things even if I knew the opposite where true. For example I had a fantasy dream when I was very young, and in it one of my friends sisters was our neighbor. I went years legitimately thinking that friend was my neighbor, even when I would pass by her real house. Also, I was very very sure I could not be killed. This is a delusion I still struggle with, the idea that I'm unable to be harmed a significant amount. I believed I was a prophet, and my dreams held meaning of what would happen. It didn't help that I grew up Christian being told stories of spirituality coming to you in dreams. All of these were relatively harmless on their own aside from the delusion I still struggle with, I mostly just mention it because it reminds me of my more severe psychotic symptoms now.

I'm not really diagnosed with a reason for these symptoms right now, my doctors don't want to diagnose me. I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety, as well as panic disorder. Though now I don't really meet the criteria of panic disorder because I don't have panic attacks very frequently. I think I actually maybe never did, and what I thought were panic attacks were more minor psychotic episodes. I personally think I may have a schizospec disorder, but again not currently diagnosed, though I am on medication for it. I do notice my doctors have never called it psychotic symptoms.

I'm not super familiar with the terminology behind psychotic symptoms at the moment. I know there's positive symptoms, things that are added like hallucinations and paranoia, and negative symptoms that take away things like lack of interest or focus. I know there's another category as well. And I know medication only really treats the positive symptoms which is also what I've noticed.

I started noticing my positive symptoms a little over a year ago, about April of 2023. I was having a really hard time seeing the difference between dreams/thoughts and realities. I would hallucinate conversations and interactions that would make me very upset and sometimes I would just see things. Paranoia I've had for much longer, but I didn't start recognizing it as paranoia until around the same time. I don't often have paranoia of very specific things, just a general idea that people are out to get me. I think people are lying about so many things. Often my paranoia goes hand in hand with delusions. For a long time, I was convinced that my boyfriend didn't actually exist. I thought that everyone knew I was making him up and so they lied about knowing him in order to appease me and that everyone who didn't know I made him up had just never met him and assumed he was real. So, I was paranoid about people lying not to hurt my feelings. I'll have delusions about the whole world being specifically tailored to hurt me, or that it's not real and it's some special kind of hell made just for me. This leads to paranoia about nothing and no one being a real thing.

My medication has definitely helped these symptoms. I didn't haucinate often anyway but that pretty much went away. Paranoia could be triggered but I didn't find myself having it as often as I was, same with delusions. The two kind of go together.

It's been hard learning and setting boundaries for my triggers. I've noticed a big one is miscommunication. Communication is very very important to me in any kind of relationship. When there are misunderstandings, my brain kind of takes that as lies. Kind of like when there's a plot hole in a franchise, my brain finds a way to make it make sense but often it uses the worst outcomes it can imagine. When things aren't communicated properly I start thinking people are lying and then I get paranoid about being paranoid wondering what to believe. I try to make people understand that communication is just, really important. Obviously it's important for everyone but especially for me because without it it sends me into mental health crises.

With medication, psychotic episodes have become a lot more bearable. Before, I would spend hours upon hours physically unable to control myself. I'd cry and scream and kick and pretty much anyone I had a conversation with I would be so unbelievably nasty to. I would have specific racing thoughts I couldn't control and everything felt like it was fighting. It took me days to recover but I didn't have days because I would have multiple of these episodes a day, just spending energy that I didn't have. I either waited until I wore myself out or I would hurt myself to shock my system out of it. The latter was the only effective thing I knew to help me get out of it instead of losing too much energy.

Now it's different. Again it's usually because of a miscommunication. I have a fear or a paranoia, I believe no one is listening. I have one clear thought of what's wrong instead of the racing and fighting. I'm very torn on the thought, but it's only one thought. I can control myself physically and if I need to I can continue my tasks. Not to a very good standard but I can do it. It lasts maybe an hour, and it takes out a lot of energy. It doesn't happen nearly as often, I'm able to recover more. With therapy it's been easier to find ways to distract myself and shock myself out of it more healthily and successfully.

I still have the symptoms but it's bearable.

There's more to talk about but that's all I feel at the moment.

Psychosis is something I live with, I don't have much of a reason for this other than I wanted to bc I was thinking.