#and i have enough rage issues that i will get blocked by everyone on tumblr over pointless shit

[transgenderastarion]

This site is supposed to be my break from the scary outside world but now im constantly being bombarded by posts on my dash saying im not allowed to be upset by the american election because of gaza even though i now have to worry if im gonna be legally considered a human being in a few months. I can worry about 2 things at once you pea brained fucks. If u don't want america talked about on the american .com website go join a local social media

Ya im blocking politics stuff now

[vtoriacore]

✧ it shouldn’t have been you

tw: death/murder/mentions of mental disorders (slightly?) 

note: guess who’s on very thin ice with tumblr lmao. refused to post this for 10 minutes straight; i think tumblr had enough of the angst i was writing so maybe it’s a sign i should stop. will i ever do that tho? no. i also wrote this on a whim because of stress so i sincerely apologise if there are any mistakes or something, i hope you enjoy anyways!

synopsis: in which the boys discover your body.

shuichi saihara

when he arrives at the scene, he cannot comprehend what's happening at first

it's almost like a state of denial; it felt too surreal yet legitimate at the same time

while everyone else starts investigating, he doesn't even move a muscle as he just zones out 

the sight of your motionless body was too much for him and he wanted to avoid looking at all costs

cannot even bring himself to cry 

it's most likely that kaito will bring him out of this trance like state with a right hook because otherwise he's completely unresponsive as the cogs in his head are turning 

can only think of three things really, 'why did it have to be [y/n]?' , 'who could have possibly done this to them?' , 'this can't be happening'

once everything truly sinks in, he's absolutely heartbroken and ready to just be the next victim 

falls on his knees as he finally takes your lifeless corpse in and just cries right there

no one can console him as he refuses to be comforted and just blocks everyone's voices out

not even determined to find the culprit, he just wants to see you smile at him one more time 

might just lose all resolve to live all together 

once he does find out who the culprit is, whether by accident or not, he might just lose it 

rantaro amami 

does a double-take upon seeing your body 

his first thoughts are, 'is any of this actually real?' 

probably pinches his arm to make sure he isn't actually dreaming 

he had a suspicion something would happen soon, but would never prepare himself for losing you

doesn't cry initially, is most likely stone-faced and whatever trust he had in anyone in the room has dissipated completely

on the outside he doesn't show much but on the inside he is completely heartbroken 

you were the only person he had trusted the most in this entire killing game and probably the only person who wasn't suspicious of him 

he valued that a lot so having it ripped away really struck a deep chord within him

investigates on his own and doesn't let anyone talk to him or even look at him for longer than five seconds

completely detaches himself from the group before the trial

he won't wait for everything to sink in as he's all too aware of how hard that will hit 

a part of him might grow some severe trust issues after this 

once he finds out the culprit he might do something he regrets

kokichi oma 

at first, he thinks it's all a massive group joke to get back at him for being an ass

but when you don't move or ever wake up he starts to realise the situation

his grin instantly vanishes and he starts to eye everyone around him with a cold, hard glare

just like rantaro, whatever little trust he had in anyone is gone and never coming back

most likely threatens people if they get too close to your body 

will probably find the culprit quicker than shuichi and once he is certain it's them, he will go absolutely mad with rage 

takes every ounce of his control to not rip them a new one 

will wait for the trial to completely destroy any of their hopes of escaping and will use mind games in the mean time to make them paranoid and anxious 

once everything properly sets in, he might actually cry (in private of course) and will curse out the entire universe 

there will be a lot of broken stuff laying in his lab and dorm room after this 

everyone best pray they don't come across him in this state, especially the culprit 

kaito momota

screams so loud that everyone else is immediately alerted 

cannot do anything else but cry and feel extreme anger at both himself from failing to save you and at whoever has dared do this to you

his chest throbs very painfully for the entirety of the investigation and he only trusts shuichi and maki to get anywhere near you 

refuses to let anyone else inspect your body 

everytime he looks at you though, he feels overwhelming worthlessness and pure anguish 

frequently zones out and begins thinking over what has happened

if shuichi tells kaito his suspicions on who it might have been, they better start praying for forgiveness from the lord himself because kaito will give them a punishment worse than monokuma ever could

people will have to hold kaito back from physically disabling the culprit both before and after the trial

will probably still manage to hurt them somehow 

after everything is over, he'll go to the rooftop and observe the stars and imagine you were still next to him

i can definitely see him becoming a little delusional due to the amount of pain he feels 

korekiyo shinguji

you know how he finds every part of humanity beautiful? well not anymore

seeing your lifeless corpse made him instantly freeze 

he wanted to trick himself into thinking everything was alright very badly but that didn't work 

refuses to talk with anyone during the entirety of the investigation and probably puts extra effort into finding the culprit 

he definitely thinks that your death was very undeserved and unprovoked which just sends his mind into a spiral of madness

you were such a beautiful being and someone dared to taint you and ultimately put an end to your existence 

it definitely drove him into a depressive state where all he can think of is you

is most likely planning on committing his own murder on the culprit if they're found just to see you in the afterlife 

is literally willing to sacrifice all his previous goals and achievements if it meant he could be with you again 

definitely the type to overtime delude himself into thinking you're still alive and might begin to hallucinate or develop a second personality and make up conversations etc. 

you were the only person he ever loved so freely so having that ripped away would drive him into utter insanity 

gonta gokuhara

doesn't realise what is happening at first because he assumed everything would be fine, as it always was

but when he gets a closer look at your lifeless corpse, he just screams and falls to his knees 

his heart is absolutely torn into shreds and he is crying hysterically 

no matter how much people comfort him, he just cannot seem to calm down 

can only look at your corpse as his mind screams, ' why? why? why? ' 

he will probably cradle your corpse in his arms when everyone else stops investigating your body and just keep crying

will think over all the times you two spent together and how happy you made him

no matter what has happened, he still trusts everyone else but once the culprit gets founds out he will just shakily question them as to why they did what they did 

cannot bring himself to be mad at them, he just falls into a depressive state that prevents him from thinking about anyone but you

blames himself for not being able to protect you once everything is over

kiibo 

when his eyes scan your body, he immediately gets this weird feeling in his chest

doesn't understand what it is entirely but it's almost like something between complete sorrow and fury 

finds it extremely hard to believe that anyone would ever target you but begins investigating with a heavy heart anyway 

he's so out of it that he doesn't respond to kokichi's usual teasing comments and ignores his entire existence as a whole

he only bothers to talk to people like shuichi or miu to see whether they gathered anything

probably consults miu to ask about the emotions he's feeling after some time because he cannot focus with them clouding his mind

immediately declines a reboot/memory cleanse as he doesn't want to forget you at all and would happily endure these conflicting emotions if it meant he could still feel the pleasant ones from his memories

doesn't know how to cry but that feeling of wanting to would hit him hard at some point 

if he finds out who the culprit is, he might end up seriously hurting them 

miu would most likely have to shut him off for the time being as kiibo would refuse to cooperate 

will probably spend time reflecting over everything in his room or lab after everything is done 

ryoma hoshi 

when he sees your body for the first time, he pretends as if he wasn't affected to not garner anymore attention that he does from the fact he was your s/o

on the inside however, he's facing a lot of turmoil and feels as though his heart just shattered

he feels much worse than when he had to give tennis up and that says a lot 

disregards anyone and everyone if they try to talk with him or comfort him

this time, he truly feels as though his will to live is lost

you were his foundation and support and without you he just cannot do anything 

is back to being his previous 'use me to keep everyone else safe' state and there is nothing that can bring him out of it now 

investigation is hard to carry out but will definitely hear shuichi's opinions after some time just to get the gist of everything

god forbid he finds the culprit early on or there might be a repeat of the mafia boss situation or worse

ryoma is just mad at the fact your life was ended in such a way when you haven't done anything wrong and he would definitely like to serve some very needed justice 

[musical-chick-13]

*Imagine the heaviest sigh you’ve ever heard*

Okay. Now that I’ve calmed my rage a little bit, let’s talk about why I hate Raúl/Sofía as a pairing. I’ll start with the things that bug me the (comparative) least and work up to the things that I hate the most, because essay structures are the only thing I willingly retained from high school English class.

Because this show is what it is, a major trigger warning for discussions of suicide in regard to mental illness, non-consensual outing of queer teenagers, ableism and other forms of prejudice, and mentions of sex crimes against minors. If you need to block this post via tumblr savior or xkit, you can block the tag I always use when I discuss this show in writing, which is:        mc13 watches ctrlz

SO. The first thing is that these two characters ending up together makes no narrative sense to me. I’ll get into characterization reasons in a bit, but from a purely interpersonal relationship standpoint, they never talk. They had maybe two sort-of conversations-that weren’t Raúl making fun of Sofía’s mental health issues or uncritically watching his friends do so-before Raúl complains that Sofía “never has time for him,” as if he’s entitled to anything from a girl, especially one he hasn’t consistently treated well up to this point. They work together on mystery stuff occasionally, but they don’t have any actual conversations about their relationship. There are no discussions of personal information or boundaries or expectations, which, especially if you are a person suffering from mental illness, is really fucking important.

From a characterization standpoint, Sofía’s primary trait is that she is a nice person. She’s ostracized by her peers, everyone makes fun of her for her mental health issues, she has very few friends other than maybe Luis, but when she’s approached for help with the hacker issue, she accepts. She helps even the students who have been nothing but horrible to her because it’s the right thing to do. She stands up for Luis time and time again, even when she has nothing to gain from the situation. She allows Isabela to lean on her for support after she’s outed, despite Isabela having been not-particularly-kind to her in the past. In season 2, she’s genuinely concerned with Dario’s and Ernesto’s safety, even though they have done nothing to atone or apologize for the way they’ve treated her. She protects her dad’s secret and doesn’t tell anyone else, not even her mom, just because she wants to keep him safe. This last one involves her keeping a promise to the point of unhealthy self-sacrifice because the stress of it leads to her making a suicide attempt and taking up self-harm. Sofía’s role in the narrative, as set up from the very beginning of the show is that she is a kind, caring girl.

Raúl leaked sensitive information about his peers, including: nude photos of Pablo having sex with Maria (which is. you know. child p*rnography), information regarding the private sex life of a boy who didn’t know he liked men (Gerry), outing Isabela-a trans girl who wasn’t ready to disclose her identity yet, revealing that Claudia had an abortion, was ready to out Luis (who was already a victim of truly horrifyingly violent bullying, primarily for being not stereotypically “masculine” enough), and telling everyone about Sofía’s dad-a secret so precious to her its seriousness was literally contributing to making her sick. And then, at the end of season 2, he’s made aware of the fact that Natalia’s life is in danger, and still only cares about his money. Dude literally doesn’t even spare a thought for this teenage girl who needs help.

Sofía has been friends with Luis for awhile. Raúl’s project (done by a guy she only spent, at most, a couple of weeks with) was one of the contributing factors in his death. So her friend’s murder means nothing to her now? Her sole focus, to the point of, need I remind you, unhealthy suicidal ideation was protecting her dad, whom she loves very much. Raúl’s exploits fucked that up, too. And still, it’s somehow not enough to stop her from being attracted to him. I...genuinely. Do not comprehend. He claims he “wanted to make things better” because “secrets are bad,” but there is NO WORLD where ANY of the things I’ve mentioned above could be seen as a positive. Sofía knows all this. At the end of season 1, she explicitly tells him “You’re going down.” Putting Sofía with Raúl goes against everything we know about her character. In order to make this ship work, her fundamental personality and values have to change.

And this brings me to my second major point of contention. This isn’t just some sort of badly-done Corruption Arc™. Sofía is a suicidally depressed, mentally ill teenager. There are very few characters in media who are written with explicit mental health issues, and even fewer who are not demonized for being “inherently violent and unstable” and/or killed off. Sofía is one of the few we actually have who gets to be mentally ill, kind, and alive. Her mental illness makes her empathetic. It’s part of her life experience and informs decisions she makes, but it’s not her whole personality. And most importantly, since she’s the protagonist and explicitly written to be a kind person with sympathetic struggles, we are supposed to want her to get better. She is not going to do that if she’s in a relationship with Raúl. He lied to her the entire time he was trying to date her. His idea of teenage courtship is taking a comment she said in the middle of a depressive episode completely out of context and turning it into a motto to ruin the lives of everyone around him, including Sofía and people who didn’t even do anything wrong like Claudia or Isa or Luis (or, hell, even Gerry, who at the time had just watched p*rn privately in his room on his private computer like lots of teenage boys do). This boy, who can’t even admit that what he did was messed up and wrong, does not know how to be in a healthy relationship. He won’t stop lying to Sofía if he thinks that’s what he needs to do to “keep” her. Sofía lost her virginity to this guy because of an elaborate con he was playing on her. And not that a girl’s (or anyone’s) virginity is The Most Important Thing Ever™ or that anyone should expect the so-called “loss” of it to be any kind of transcendental experience, but Sofía said at the party where everyone was playing the kissing game that she didn’t want to kiss someone she didn’t know. And when she did kiss Javier, she said she really didn’t have any experience. Sofía is a loner. She has very few friends and keeps to herself. Making the decision to engage in a physical relationship for the first time (or at all), for her, is a big deal. And everything that went into that decision was all based on a lie. You don’t forget something like that. Raúl calls Sofía crazy, before and after she knows he’s the hacker (which, I promise you, no mentally ill person is ever going to just...forget...about...). He tells her she’s the only thing he cares about and is continuing to exist for. And to make a teenage girl suffering from serious mental illness your emotional crutch? That is...such a bad idea and such an unfair, harmful thing to do I’m not sure I even know where to start. Neurodivergent people already get abused, gaslit, and forced into unrealistically harmful expectations on a regular basis. Sofía being with Raúl would be a nightmare in terms of her coping with her mental illness.

So, basically, a canon status for this ship can really only come at the expense of the identity and recovery of a mentally ill teenage girl. If we had more sympathetic mentally ill main characters, that would be one thing. But we don’t. If they portrayed this as an impulsive decision by Sofía that she grew to regret and use as a catalyst to get help (which...I thought was what the show was doing in season 1, but I can’t be right all the time), that would also be different. But after having them hook up again in season 2, it’s obvious that we’re not meant to view their relationship as an unhealthy coping mechanism on Sofía’s part. I could also see it as Sofía reaching out to the first available person who showed her attention because she was so lonely, but even that doesn’t work, because she has Javier (and, to an extent, Luis, and, later on, Isa and Alex-though that last one is...a little more complicated and I don’t have time to discuss it here). And far be it from me to police what people ship. I don’t believe that any fan of this particular pairing is a Giant Raging Ableist. But what I am concerned about is that this isn’t being talked about by anyone, at all.

Which brings me to the final, most frustrating part of this whole thing. IF YOU DON’T READ ANY OTHER PART OF THIS READ THE FOLLOWING. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.

Given how purist fandom tends to be in liking “unproblematic” ships and how much people cry for positive and empowering representation...why do so many people ship Raúl/Sofía?

And the only answer I can come up with is...because Raúl is conventionally attractive. He’s a skinny, cis, light-skinned, cocky “bad boy” who rides a motorcycle and has messy hair and blue eyes. There’s no communication to point to or any kind of well-established previous relationship between him and Sofía, there’s not an equal level of self-destructiveness on both sides, there’s not a “secret Dark Side™” that Sofía’s always had that Raúl allows her to unleash (which...hoo boy, it’s bad optics to suggest that your mentally ill character is dealing with a Secret Evil Personality Buried Inside Them). Raúl doesn’t make any effort to better himself, and even sticks to his guns that he was “just trying to do the right thing :(” (and, as mentioned above, the last thing we see him do is selfishly scream over his money when a girl’s life is in immediate danger). The only thing that’s left is...that Raúl is conventionally attractive.

And, honestly, I think this is what it is. I think that’s the reason. The few times I’ve gone into the general tag (especially after season 1 dropped), it’s been almost nothing but thirst posts for Raúl. I’ve seen so many comments about how Raúl is “so complicated” and “oh, but he meant well,” but I haven’t seen any for Javier (who actually does mean well most of the time) or Natalia (who actually did become more complex as time went on) or Alex (who had a much more justice-driven goal than Raúl ever did). And I keep hearing about this supposed Amazing Chemistry his actor has with Sofía’s, which is of course, a subjective thing; but the chemistry™ defense curiously only ever seems to pop up in regard to pale cis so-called “attractive” guys. If Raúl had been plus-size or a woman or a darker-skinned man or disabled or neurodivergent or even just anything that wasn’t considered by biased society to be ““““conventionally attractive,”””” he would not be receiving the kind of love and sympathy and shipping preference that he is.

And you know how I know that? Every time, in every fandom (including this one) that even remotely-morally-ambiguous characters exist who are those things (i.e., dark-skinned POC, disabled, female, “““average-looking,””” etc.), everyone hates them. Maybe, if those characters are lucky, they’ll be ignored. But if they aren’t, then the fandom at large is picking them apart to criticize their place in the narrative, harass people who like them (which sometimes escalates to bullying the actors themselves on social media), and praying for these characters to die a slow, painful, gruesome death. They’re certainly not rooting for them as love interests. This ship is only as popular as it is because Raúl fits a predetermined standard of attractiveness.

And guess what, I’m fucking tired. The way fandom treats characters like this and ships like this tells me that the only thing that matters is how attractive you are. Everything people do and want and gravitate toward should be decided solely based on someone’s appearance. Your actions don’t matter. Your integrity doesn’t matter. Your values don’t matter. Only your level of attractiveness does. Being “““conventionally attractive””” gives you leeway to treat people like shit or be praised for doing the bare minimum. It’s seen as necessary for you to be liked, for you to be hired, for you to be successful, and for you to be seen as worthy of love. People excuse not only characters, but real-life young and attractive cis white male celebrities and musicians for heinous crimes all the time. People take appearance so seriously (especially in the entertainment industry) that being “hot” is frequently used as grounds for hiring. The whole thing is so incredibly shallow and rooted in prejudices such as ableism and transphobia and sexism and racism, and it is everywhere.

I was probably giving this show too much credit, but I thought back in season one, after the reveal that Raúl was the hacker, that the whole point was to defy the idea of “beauty” being inherently good. That sometimes the assholes or abusers or criminals or villains are conventionally attractive, and that doesn’t make what they do okay. Raúl, with his sense of entitlement and poor choice in friends and weird vibe around Sofía with trying to share headphones always seemed...off. I thought the point was that sometimes these sketchy Jerk Bad Boys™ don’t have some secret heart of gold, sometimes they’re just mean people. I (stupidly) thought the whole point was that physical attraction is not enough. That it’s a shallow thing to base a relationship on and only ends in disappointment. But season two showed that they just wanted to play all those concepts completely straight without an ounce of self-awareness. I have waited my entire life for some work. Any. Work. To have a message other than, “All that matters in getting what you want and living a happy life and receiving support from other people is being pretty.” But fandom keeps trying to shoehorn that narrative in every single time, so that’s the story we keep getting. And Control Z is no exception.

[kaishun]

Fanexus - Upcoming Fandom-focused Platform

Hey y’all, Kaishun here, who hasn’t spoken in 85 years but still vaguely lurks around in the corners of your peripherals. As you guys probably know, with the tumblr ban on NSFW (both for things that actually were NSFW and vaguely fleshy colored), a lot of big folks in the fandom left for twitter. Well, twitter sucks, as it’s impossible to finding anything. Nobody tags stuff, because there’s not enough space to do so, and harassment’s pretty bad (both due to lack of tagging and due to tagging).

Fanexus is a platform wanting to change that! It’s kinda’ve the love child between tumblr and livejournal, and with the beta coming up soon, they’re trying to drum up some hype. I’m hype, so, I’m gonna go over some of my fav official features so far:

Proship / Anti-Harassment / Anti-Censorship

Useful Tagging System ( #Saix = #Saïx )

3 Accounts in 1 (1 login for 3 different blogs)

Details on^ below the cut. Here’s a pretty picture from their blog @fanexus-dot-net​ to show its progress:

Proship, Harassment, and Censorship (Don’t Like/Don’t Read)

A lot of platforms and people are aggressively censoring fictional content they don’t like. Whether that be two characters lewding in general, those character being in an abusive relationships, noncon, age gaps, underaged, incest, etc.-- a lot of people get harassed for drawing that kind of stuff. But, y’know-- it’s fictional. No different from the whole “video games cause violence” scare from moms in the 90s. But the harassment from people has gotten really bad, especially on twitter.

Fanexus allows whatever you want to draw/write/etc., as long as it is of fictional characters--with a great tagging system to support it. If you don’t like something... you block the tag! Bam, that simple. You shouldn’t see anymore.

For those of you who went to Pillowfort, and were displeased with the sudden rule change & bans regarding some content, Fanexus should have no such issue. They’re hosting in Denmark, where the country’s sex specialists determined that underaged content of fictional characters did not have a negative impact on actual children.

Useful Tagging System

idk about you, but I hate looking under the 10 different names for the same ship. Every other new artist seems to have another name for their fav pairing. Fanexus has a tagging system that support synonyms-- meaning “#XemSai”, “#Xemnas x Saix”, “#Xemnas/Saïx”, etc. will all show up under the same “#XemSai” search.

Its tagging is also hierarchical-- so if someone tags something with just “#XemSai”, it’ll show up under show up #Xemnas, #Saix, and #Kingdom Hearts. While this may come off as a bit scary at first (there’s such a “don’t put X in the main tag!” concern on tumblr), it normalizes letting your art/fics to be actually, like... seen. And if someone doesn’t like it #XemSai, they can just block the tag. This greatly decreases the chance of shy people with rarepairs just being lost to the abyss, never seen again. As someone who’s in some small fandoms, “forcing” everything to go into the series tag is a great feature to me.

It also lets people completely block series-- block the #Kingdom Hearts tag if you don’t want to see Melody of Memory spoilers. As long as they’ve tagged their posts with anything regarding the series, it’ll get caught up in that block filter, so you can safely play the game and still browse your feed.

Aliases (3 Accounts in 1)

With one account, you have three different “Alias” blogs. These generally function like completely different blogs (none of that sideblog shit); with their own posts, their own followers, their own following, and their own memberships to communities. You can switch between them with an easy click, instead of having to open a whole new browser or logout/login like on tumblr.

My plan is to have a SFW alias, a NSFW alias, and a RP alias. I can enjoy my SFW alias at work and on the go, as well as post some OCs to it; I can switch to my NSFW alias if I want to see some juicy smut on a lazy weekend; and to my RP alias to catch up on what’s been going on and write some replies.

Miscellaneous 

Communities: You ever think about making a blog exclusively for one character, but go “ugh sideblogs suck and I don’t want to do this by myself”? Well, Communities allow everyone who joins to share content to it, easily gathering art/fics from your favorite character or series in one place. It’s a great way to find people with similar interests, follow some new artists, etc. Roleplay-wise, theoretically great for “Worlds”; tossing an opener into the themed world and getting some replies.

Funding: They’re currently planning on no ads, and funding via premium features, such as buying extra aliases. There’ll be a Kickstarter later for server cost and additional features.

People/Fans: I’ve been on their discord for a few weeks, and holy shit, these are my people. I’ve never felt so comfortable just like... chatting about my interests with people. I’m not the #1 sinner in the server at all times, like I am everywhere else. Discussions I’ve normally seen blow up into huge raging disagreements kinda just simmer to slightly irritable but still civil conversations. It’s kinda bizarre to witness, like... mature people talking to mature people.

Minors: Minors will not be able to see posts marked as 18+, full stop. You can also mark your entire blog as 18+, but you’re not required to. Minors who lie about their age will have their accounts banned.

Interested?: Their beta is going to be starting sometime late this month. You can find more details on their tumblr blog ( https://fanexus-dot-net.tumblr.com/ ) or their twitter ( https://twitter.com/fanexus ). You can sign up for their forum/discord/beta over here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1-Ll_vb1bukbnxHpaQcuxUikUu1NtqDk3-AsD4gZkjiY/viewform?edit_requested=true 

[rpbetter]

Everyone out there looking forward to Rolescape, a lot of you have my concerned about its longevity already and it hasn't even gone into testing. So, let's talk about something in brief.

The right way to think about this:

Rolescape has a numerous promising features in the works that will allow you to better cultivate your space. You'll be able to better insulate yourself from drama and muns you need to avoid, have a great deal of privacy, and be better able to deal with problems in a meaningful way.

The wrong way to think about this:

Rolescape is a fix for all of the RPC's problems, I cannot wait to be away from all this drama and negativity.

The right way still keeps the responsibility on you, on everyone in the RPC, to not create, foster, or refuse to stay away from problems. It acknowledges the reality that two of the most awful RPCs to ever exist are the target user base for RS - tumblr and twitter. And it expects only what RS's responsibilities should be (coincidentally, what other platforms should have been as well, but we wouldn't be having this conversation if they didn't abysmally fail there) - providing functioning ways of blocking, filtering, and otherwise cultivating one's space. The behavior is up to you.

The wrong way poses RS as an unrealistically utopian place no matter its user base. These are not alright expectations from any platform, places are going to be what you make of them. The same muns are going to be there, the same problems will come with them. It's great that you're excited to have a fresh start with promising features that allow greater comfort and cultivation, but these expectations I see many of you expressing are only going to result in you putting the blame on RS when you run into the handful of muns you have issues with or discover that purity culture and callouts are everywhere.

Let me repeat: It's great that you're excited to have a fresh start with promising features that allow greater comfort and cultivation.

But I'm excited for RS as well, and I'd really rather not have it bottom-out before it really gets rolling when too many muns rage quit because a new, improved platform did not fix every issue they had with the community itself.

Please:

be excited

support RS with reblogs, donations, giving feedback, and/or joining the team

tell your mutuals about RS and why you're excited for it

join the discord server if you're into that

stay realistic that the site will be in testing when you get to join, there will be bugs and things both added and removed, that's what happens during testing phases

stay realistic that the same blogs and RPC issues will only be moving over to a new location, not ceasing to exist

appreciate that you'll be able to control this environment a thousand times better to stay away from all that, know that you will need to do that

I cannot say enough how relieving it is that Rolescape is happening, it has so many great things that can improve the experience. Every day, at some point, I think, "I wish Rolescape existed right now." But it will not fix the problems in the RPC simply by existing. Do not set yourselves up to be disappointed and angry, and in doing so, set up RS to fail. This is the single most promising RP platform I have seen in all two decades of RPing online, please don't do that.

[adiwriting]

FYI thanks for mocking me on discord that was fun to see my heightened emotions of the day mocked by my fav writer. I wasn't planning on saying anything but I figured if it stops you guys taking the piss out of other asks you said you weren't even going to publish in the first place then perhaps I should. Be aware some of us don't have tumblr accounts. This is not the friendly fandom I was led to believe if you enjoy doing that with friends on discord in the public chats. Thanks for educating me

First of all, I’m not even sure how this ask got through except to say that Tumblr is buggy AF and I’m angry about it. Most people that have anon off, have it off for a reason, so that fact that Tumblr can just up and ignore that to let anons through is pretty shitty and @staff should look into that. 

But since this is not the first time that somebody has accused me of trigging them over the entire Tyler Blackburn situation, I’m going to write up a response and hopefully everyone that’s been triggered by me and my words can all read this and perhaps have an ounce of self-awareness and empathy for others. 

12 days ago, I wrote a post about fandom racism that also apparently was the first time most of fandom was learning about the fact that Tyler Blackburn was not an indigenous person. I expected about 10 people to read it and for it to anger about 1-2 people. Those were my expectations. To get an angry anon or two. To have somebody pop into my replies to argue DNA testing. So when the post blew up and I became the subject of fandom rage, with new people vague blogging me by the hour, my DMs and my inbox filled with hate, and this became “the topic” of fandom on multiple platforms... I wasn’t mentally ready for it. 

Despite all of that, I still stand by the spirit of that original post. I still stand by the fact that I posted asking people to stop calling Tyler a POC and using that as a defense of their own racist behavior. I DON’T stand by my argument of using percentages or DNA testing to “prove” Tyler wasn’t NA. I’ve learned better over the last 12 days. I don’t stand by my statement that we shouldn’t cancel Tyler. As a white woman, that isn’t my call and I don’t get to decide how the indigenous fans respond to this hurtful news. But the things I regret revolve around not being a good ally. They don’t revolve around regret posting about Tyler’s actions and they certainly don’t revolve around any regret for calling out fandom racism. 

Back to my response and my “mocking” behavior. 

I want anyone who says that I triggered them (because it’s been a handful of people by now, either directly or through vague blogging about me) to understand something.

Most of us have been in the situation where you post something and you get 1-2 hate anons. You bitch about it, you complain to your friends, then you move on. Few of us have likely ever woken up day after day to 25+ messages calling you an awful person for having the audacity to share news about an actor who shared the news about himself first. It, understandably, gets to you. And yet, I’m not out here blaming those hate anons and DMs for being the reason I couldn’t sleep for a week, the reason I had full blown panic attacks, or the reason I couldn’t eat more than a bite of food each meal. Because at the end of the day, this fandom wasn’t the SOLE reason for my mental health issues and I refuse to blame other people for my own mental health issues. I refuse to say that anyone else “triggered” me, because the fact remains that anyone who triggered me only did so because I gave them the power to do so. Just like I would argue, I don’t have the power to trigger anyone else, you’ve all given me that power and you can take it away. You can unfollow me. You can block me. You can chose not to read my thoughts on things and let it affect your day. I’m not remotely worth anyone’s stress. 

Did I publish anons after I said I wasn’t going to? Yes. Though, I’m 99% sure every anon I published were ones I received BEFORE I said I wouldn’t answer anons, and thus I’m not sure anyone sent me anything under the guise it wouldn’t be published. I’m pretty sure fandom etiquette is that you don’t send anon asks you don’t expect to be answered publicly. You can ask anyone who DM’d me their hate, I didn’t respond to any of THOSE things publicly. It isn’t the proper etiquette. But yes, I published the handful of anons that I found funny in a sea of ones that were truly disgusting. So disgusting that i had to delete them the moment they came into my inbox. But I kept a few that I found entertaining because I honestly, needed a laugh. And in the middle of a panic attack, I snapped, and responded to a handful of the funnier asks. Do I regret it? Sometimes. I don’t think it helped make the situation any better... but I also don’t think I said anything that I don’t stand behind either. 

Did I talk to my friends on Discord about the asks I received? Yes. My friends were, understandably, worried about me and trying to show support. They asked me if I was getting a lot of hate about my post and I answered them honestly. And yes, the discussion did lean towards making fun of the more ridiculous defenses of Tyler’s actions. Because most of my friends on there still struggle to understand why we are defending Tyler’s actions. And most of my friends, I think, were trying to help me make light of a truly awful week for me. 

I apologize if you felt we were mocking you. But considering any ask I got was sent in an effort to silence me and make me feel bad for calling out racism, I question why I should be apologizing to you and why there’s no expectation that anyone apologize to ME for the hazing I just went through. I ask why one specific group of fandom continues to use emotional manipulation to try and silence me for simply stating facts: Tyler is NOT a POC. Why is it okay that one group of fandom can continually attack others but when those blogs say anything, then we are suddenly told that we don’t respect anyone’s mental health. I have NEVER in my life bullied anyone. Even the Tyler Stan blogs that have come to me personally, off anon, to talk about their problems with me can hopefully have enough self awareness to let you know that I was apologetic for snapping and sympathetic to their mental health issues but also stood by my opinions that racism is real and I won’t apologize for posting about it. 

I don’t care if people like Tyler. I don’t care if people’s favorite character is Alex. That is all fine with me. If you want to keep stanning Tyler and loving Alex, do so. Just know that I’m going to stand by my fans of color on this issue with Tyler and continue to post about racism. If that is something that people cannot get behind, they should 100% unfollow me and block my name. 

If you want to read my writing but disengage with my opinions, I suggest you subscribe to me on AO3 and block me on Tumblr. But also, you can just stop reading my fic too. I promise you that nothing I write is remotely special enough for people to continue risking their mental health if the things I’m doing trigger you in any way. 

Finally, I can empathize with you not having a Tumblr account to come at me with. But it sounds like you have a Discord account that you could have DM’d me on. And if you had come to me off of anon, I can 100% promise you that our interactions would have been respectful even if we disagreed. They also would have been private. But what I won’t apologize for is the fact that YOU came to ME on anon expecting some level of respect when the asks being sent to me weren’t respectful. I was accused of being the reason for Tyler’s anxiety. I was accused of being unsympathetic to a man who didn’t know his dad because his dad COULD have been native american and how did I feel about that? I was accused of trying to get Tyler fired. I was accused of a lot of awful things. 

And yet... all I did was make a post about fandom racism. And anyone getting triggered by that should perhaps ask themselves this: 

If you’ve never been racist in this fandom, why did my post feel like an attack against you? 

[vampireqrow-moved]

um its my birthday so wait until 12:01am pst to block me if u hate this post 🥰🥰

long story short the pansexual label is redudant and actively harmful (its far from the worst problem bisexuals face but it is one issue) and i dont hate anyone who identifies as pan because A) those ppl are bi like me and B) i used to identify as pan myself.

if thats enough for you to block me and make a callout post for me then i cant stop you but pretty please either read this whole thing or just wait a few minutes for my bday to end 🥰🥰

anyways im kicking off this point with some personal experiences bc i love to talk to myself. i got introduced to the pan label at maybe 10ish years old, and started identifying with it pretty much right away. i heard about it before bisexual and it was pitched as attraction to all genders and of course trans people. i was of course a trans ally! i had trans friends! i was trans also but hadnt figured it out yet! the way i had heard of it, there was no bisexual, there was no need for bisexual, and identifying differently was excluding trans people, which I was certainly against. being bisexual was trans exclusionary and why would i exclude trans people? the 'hearts not parts' slogan was thriving around this time and i genuinely said it and meant it.

as i started to become more online, mostly through roleplaying websites and tumblr here, i started hearing of bisexuality. it was supposedly an older term, so older people still used it, but it was common knowledge that pansexual was the better, inclusive label and younger people should adopt the new inclusive language instead of the old and transphobic words like bisexual. /s

and then bi and pan solidarity was all the rage! pansexual wasnt erasing bisexuality, why did anyone ever think that? bi and pan were two separate and complete identities that were valid and had to be respected or youre a mean exclusionist. and an asexual person, hearing people labelled exclusionist always meant they were excluding people from the lgbta community who rightfully belonged, denying peoples lived experiences, and generally telling people theyre wrong about their sexuality because theyre too young. and all of those things were bad and had hurt me, so it would be ridiculous to change labels and support "pan exclusionists" because they were just as bad as ace and aro exclusionists, and they were all the same people. or so it seemed to me at that time.

then, 'hearts not parts' began getting called out for blatant transphobic by insinuating that pansexual was the only identity that loved people for their "hearts" and personalities instead of those gross gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and even straights who only saw people for their "parts". (STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THAT PANSEXUALITY WAS SHOWN AS ABOVE ALL OTHERS.) many pan people, including myself, began to denounce the slogan and insist pansexuality wasnt transphobic, there had just been a coincidence that a transphobic slogan was everywhere and a huge part of people's explantions of and associations with pansexuality. hint: it wasnt a coincidence.

from my perspective, this is when i began to see people discussing dropping the word pansexual. that seemed to be a huge step from getting rid off a transphobic slogan, and these people were just meanies who hated microlabels. and i like microlabels! as a genderfluid person, and someone who has friends who use specific aro and acespec labels, ive seen how people can use them to name specific experiences while still acknowleging their presence underneath umbrella terms like aromantic, asexual, nonbinary, lgbta, and for some people, queer.

pansexuals dont do that. they dont label pansexuality as a specific set of experiences under the bisexual umbrella, they see themselves as a separate identity, and even if they started to, the history of biphobia and transphobic undeniably linked to the existence of pansexuality in enough to stop being worth using. but i digress. pansexualitys shiny new definition that many people cling to is that pansexual is attraction to all genders. bisexual is two or more genders.

which. frankly? doesnt make any sense. my guess is that its supposed to be inclusive of nonbinary genders and those a part of cultures who historically have not had a binary gender system in the first place. i cannot speak for the latter group, but as a nonbinary person, its not inclusive. anyone can be attracted to nonbinary people. literally anyone. theres no way to know if everyone you meet is nonbinary or not. whether or not a nonbinary person reciprocates those feelings and is interested in pursuing a relationship is completely up to the individual, regardless of the sexualities of the people involved.

bottom line is that you cant number the amounts of genders someone can be attracted to, thus rendering those definitions pointless. people can be attracted to all kinds of people regardless of gender, even if they are gay, a lesbian, or straight. all people can date thousands of nonbinary genders if all people involved are interested and comfortable with it. numbering the genders you can be attracted to diminishes the post of nonbinary, as it is not a third gender, it simply any experience not fitting within the western concept of the gender binary (if the person so chooses to identify as such. if you cant tell already, the nonbinary experience is varied between every single nonbinary person.) important to note also that no widely accepted bisexual text defines bisexual as attracted to exclusively two genders or even the "two or more genders". i know this is used a lot but please read the bisexual manifesto. its free online i promise.

some people also claim pansexuals experience "genderblind" attraction while bisexuals feel differently attracted to different genders. this is very nitpicky for whats supposed to be two unconnected idenities, but thats only part of the problem. this definition is also not in any widely accepted bisexual texts, and bisexuality has never excluded those who experience genderblind attraction. i am in fact a bi person who experiences genderblind attraction. this does not mean i am not bisexual. it simply means i experience bisexuality differently than other bisexuals, and thats wonderful! no broad communities like bisexuality are expected to all share the same experience. we are all so different and its amazing were able to come together under the bisexual flag.

last definition, or justification i should say, is that yes these definitions are redundant and theyre the same sexuality, but people prefer different labels and thats okay. i agree in principle. people can define themselves as many things like homosexuals or gays or lesbians or queers or even other reclaimed slurs, while still not labelling themselves under the most "common" or "accurate" labels.

but pansexuality isnt the same as bisexuality, which may sound silly but hear me out. it has been continually used as a way to further divide bisexuals, who are already subject to large amounts of lgbta discrimination. "pansexuality was started by trans people who were upset with transphobia within the bisexual community! it cant be transphobic OR biphobic!" except of course that it can and it is. to say that trans people cant be transphobic is absurd. transmedicalism is right there, but thats not what im getting at. all minorities can have internal and sometimes external biases against people who are the same minority as them.

pansexuality was started as a way to be trans inclusive at the expense of labelling bisexuality as transphobic when its not. transphobia is everywhere, and bisexuals are not exempt. instead of working on the transphobia within the community, the creators of pansexuality decided to remove themselves from it to create a better and less tainted word and community, and the fact that pansexuality is intended to replace bisexuality or leave it for the transphobes goes to show a few things. pansexuality and bisexuality are inherently linked because the pan label is in response to the bi label. due to its origins, it is inherently competing with bisexuality and it cant be "reclaimed" from its biphobic roots. pansexuality is not a whole, separate, and valid label. its a biphobic response to issues within the bisexual community.

to top off this post, heres something a full grown adult once said to me. in person. she was my roommate. "i feel like im pan because im attracted to trans people. trans women, trans men, i could definitely date them. but not nonbinary people because thats gross and weird." she saw pan as trans inclusive and defined herself that way as opposed to bi which is shitty!

also a little extra tidbit about my experiences identifying as pan. i saw myself as better than every bi person. all of them. even my trans and bi friends. whenever they brought up being bisexual i would think to myself "why dont you identify as pansexual? its better and shows people you support trans people." because i was made to believe bisexuality didnt and was therefore inferior. thats the mindset that emerged from my time in the pansexual community. i am so sorry to all of my bisexual friends even if they never noticed. i love you all and hope you have a great day. this also goes to any bisexuals or people who identify as bi in anyway, such as biromantic or simply bi. love you all.

ummm yeah heres some extra reading i found helpful and relevant. here and here. also noooo dont disagree with me and unfollow me im so sexy 🥴🥴🥴

[ngame989]

SVTFOE: A Retrospective

Happy Mama Star Day!

OK, first and foremost, a quick update on TGG: I plan to have something ready for at least one of the major anniversaries coming up, and hopefully will resume slightly more regular updates from then forward. Thanks to everyone for your continued support, it’s been a rough year so far for me personally and for everyone in in the current pandemic situation. The anniversary of both STH and Mama Star seemed like a fitting time to get some things off my chest, both good and bad, so I’ll do that now and get it out of the way to focus on bigger and better things in the future. Fair warning, this is gonna be long and rambly and personal more than it is any sort of serious show analysis. If you’re looking for fun, feel-good celebration of what definitely were some of my favorite moments in the series, I’m not so sure this is gonna be the post for you.

It goes without saying that Star vs the Forces of Evil, for better or worse, is incredibly important to me and has been without fail for years. How are you supposed to feel when something that important lets you down so hard? Is having such strong, mixed emotions and attachment better than having nothing you care about at all? The past year hasn’t answered these questions for me, and this post certainly won’t either. There’s no thesis or likely any kind of closure here, just me baring a bit of my soul here on tumblr dot com.

It’s been a rough year or two for me. I don’t want to get too much into the specifics, but let’s just say I hit a crossroads where the entire path I’d envisioned for myself in life came into serious question, and I had been spiraling into depression and paralyzing anxiety over a complete lack of any fulfillment in my “professional” life for months before I even recognized it for what it was. Season 3 finished airing around the last few months of my undergraduate degree, which (while obviously it significantly emotionally impacted me) was a generally happy and stable time in my life. As things started to change and get worse for me, SVTFOE S4 was my ray of hope. I’m not kidding when I say that some days in the hiatus leading up to it, the thought of S4 delivering on its potential for emotional fulfillment and Starco goodness (consistently, not just at the end) was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning and the only positive thing I could see in my future. 

When we got the S4 we got, it shattered me, utterly and completely. This isn’t an attempt to dunk on S4 in some “objective” manner - hell, I even like a lot of the things about it that the fandom despises (the ending prioritizing character closure over lore, the upheaval of the political structure rather than just having Star become the Goodest Queen, etc). I’d still make the argument that a lot of the character development was very flimsy and poorly paced, a very clear effort to force the relationship resolution to be delayed until the end at all costs, but that’s not the point here. Life felt dull and lonely and warm fluffy Starco was my vicarious escape from that, and the season we got left me so completely hollow insid that it felt like I couldn’t breathe for its first more-than-a-dozen episodes, and I was so burnt out that I couldn’t even properly enjoy the parts that were genuinely good.

Even earlyish on, I was already fearing that things wouldn’t be resolved till the end and that there’d be almost none of the content I actually longed for from the show. As I’ve mentioned before, The Greatest Gift was born the morning after Lake House Fever’s late night release, out of salt and spite and a need to give myself something good to look forward to, even if it would be something I’d be making myself. I completely removed myself from even passing conversations with my best friends in the fandom because it hurt too much to even think about. I even had Seddm give me summaries of episodes before I watched them so I could take some time to emotionally prepare (at least until the 2nd to last week). And to the show’s credit, its last few weeks of episodes (with some exceptions) tried their absolute damnedest to right the ship (pun intended) and bring back the sorts of things I wanted with a vengeance. I was smiling like a complete fool for 12 hours straight after Here to Help. The ending didn’t fix my issues with the show, not by a fucking long shot, but it at least left me on a positive enough note that there was a feverish enthusiasm to continue it further on my own.

But it’s been tough. Have you or a family member/friend ever gotten bad food poisoning from a restaurant you really liked, and the smell of it makes you queasy afterwards even though you do really like it? That’s probably the best analogy I can draw to a lot of my relationship with SVTFOE since it ended. PLEASE NOTE I’M IN NO WAY TRYING TO EQUATE THE MAGNITUDE OF MY IRE WITH A CARTOON WITH SERIOUS DISORDERS THAT PEOPLE SUFFER FROM, but I’d almost be tempted to liken it to PTSD. Seeing reminders of the painful parts can put me in a bad mood for hours, and on some days even just dwelling on the show in any way will invite creeping negativity and “why the fuck couldn’t it have just-” types of thoughts taking over. There have been some days writing TGG where having to draw inspiration from or reference events/dialogues in S4 was so emotionally taxing that I had to stop writing for the night. I blocked Seddm’s entire askbox tag because I’d find my own emotions frothing into a rage over things in the show people would bring up. I’ve lost acquaintances and potential friendships over my bitterness. I instantly block anyone who posts even a hint of Tomstar/Kellco content in the Starco tags on any site because it induces such palpable negativity in my heart - I think I’m up to 1000 accounts blocked on Instagram right now, which is why Toxic runs the TGG page over there. If you’re one of the people out there that tried to strike up a conversation with me over a shared interest in the show and I vomited bile into your DMs, I sincerely apologize. And to anyone who got wrapped up in the brazen high hopes I put forth here every day as S4 approached and came crashing down with me as a result, I’m sorry for that too.

And yet... I can’t say there’s not a genuine love I still have for a lot of it. I still have my little shrine of stickers and pictures that I’ll sometimes just get let myself get lost in. There was a recent postcanon fic started by someone who just caught up on the show that brought such a depth of warmth into my chest that I’m smiling like an idiot just now thinking about it. I haven’t watched even a clip (let alone a whole episode) that Star and Marco’s voices in my head feel distant and abstract, but when I’m writing chapters I can still get emotional imagining them saying and doing things out of their devotion to one another. I’ve made no secret that I (to put it very very very lightly) have a strong distaste for the vast majority of this fandom, and yet the joy of knowing I could make people’s days or lives brighter gives me a satisfaction I can’t put words to. Don’t get me wrong, writing quickly just isn’t my thing normally anyway - I’m not trying to suggest that the sole reason for TGG downtime is that I’m driving knives into my own heart and pouring my blood onto the page. Just that that’s part of it, and it takes its toll. 

The last few months, although I have missed the joy of brewing up fluff ideas and seeing them come to life, have admittedly been a welcome reprieve just not having to think about this stuff so much. In the last few weeks I’ve finally been coming around to a bit of a better place where the good bubbles up without bringing as much of the bad with it. It will likely still wax and wane, and I can’t guarantee if or when TGG will fully finish. And this isn’t my entire life - I have MMOs and card games and all kinds of other hobbies that suck up lots of my time, so don’t worry about me just lying in bed sobbing over S4 for 12 hours a day. I don’t know if the day will ever come when I can truly be at peace with it all, but I don’t want to toss out the good with the bad. All I can ask is for your patience as my own journey evolves alongside my writing, until the day comes when perhaps this story can finally come to a close. Thanks for reading, and stay safe.

Ngame

[mc-slowwalker]

MULLET MULLET MULLET YES

philza being 100000 years old is something I can get behind tbh. my least favourite age hc, which I think I actually hate with a burning passion, is the tommy and tubbo were 9 during the first l’manberg wartime actually ignites a visceral rage in me

yeah!! I managed to make it to pink’s bedwars stream the other day and it was great. yeah lol I was lowkey upset too when foolish was added cause I had no idea who he was but he’s super fun so that’s cool! I like high energy stream more too cause I zone out super easily. unless it’s dream, he can stream anything and I’ll try my hardest to pay attention the whole time

ooooh vet that’s cool. oh my god c!dream going into the dentist after months in prison😭😭😭 I’m imagining c!techno as a beefy pig sitting in the kind of small couch/seats we have in the waiting room. Tommy would 100% bite and then get really mad about getting a toy that we give to little kids after their treatment lol

omg the pet wars 😔😔😔 so sad. everyone in the dsmp is emotionally attached to their animals than anything else and what can I say, I’m the same

oh yeah I also tend to take c!dream criticism to heart more idk why. I’m definitely way more defensive of c!dream apologists than any other they get so much unnecessary shit. though from your other anons it looks like c!sam apologists are getting more shit too which sucks but solidarity ig. oh man I get you I have to tell myself to like take a step back and not take everything so personally. another thing on twitter is that people who vehemently hate c!dream will sometimes just refuse to use /dsmp /roleplay tags like it’s not that hard, tweets without that have already been misinterpreted to hate on cc!dream which just pisses me off like you can have your shit opinion just tag it properly. and like when people tell them to include it they’ll be like “ohh the dream apologists harassed me.” and yeah people genuinely go around calling c!dream apologists abuse apologists and it’s terrible. like I don’t care if you have your bad takes and aren’t willing to discuss them, just tag it properly and don’t shit on c!dream apologists it’s not that hard. though it’s funny the other day, the first time I replied to some shut take on twitter, in a lighthearted manner too, I got instantly blocked and there’s this on person on twt, they’re also on tumblr, that blocks anyone that even slightly disagrees with them. oh well ig

also did you see about that lore that foolish did? it was certainly something

sorry for the late and shorter reply I got halfway through writing this then went to do something then just fell asleep and I just got a notification that ponk is live! and I’m awake so Imma go watch them

Jack Mulletfold I’m on my jack manifold mullet truther arc

The 9 year old thing was bad and I also hated the c!dream was 13 during the l’manburg war thing too like no this is all so much funnier if they are the ages that they are now. And like father like son fundy tried to set a timeline up too (his it’s been a year comment) like no dude stop time doesn’t exist unless it’s real world

With watching streams I’m the exact same way but I usually tune into quackity and tommy’s chill streams as well. I think it’s because I know them enough to care about what they’re saying so the lack of mental stimulation is made up for by my want to care

Wait fuck with the dentist thing would c!techno actually have to go to a vet instead because of anatomy stuff or-

C!Dream is probably missing a few teeth and after not brushing so long ugh

I would joke that c!sapnap’s done nothing wrong but I haven’t forgiven him for henry

I simply don’t user twitter I tried to post a shit post but I don’t understand the tagging system so it flopped. Stopped using it there and then. say what you want about me but you guys gotta know that I’m a petty bitch first and foremost. With the “harassment” stuff I’ve had my fair share of sending anons asking people to tag stuff right and half the time they just say why and then don’t do it. You wanna know why? Please thats why. I have a real issue with the abuse apologist stuff because like bro that’s a serious accusation and it’s overall just seems super inappropriate. It usually doesn’t get to me but if I’m in the wrong mood it can really fuck me up. When cc!wilbur said that every character was morally gray and that c!dream apologists were right & wrong about somethings I was kinda like “oh thank god a streamer I like doesn’t hate me for liking c!dream” and was hella embarrassed that I even let it get me that far skdhfk. Oh yeah about people blocking you there are so many people who have me blocked on here and while I totally encourage using your block button liberally and often I still notice and its like aw man… creeper…… so we back in the mines…….

You’re gonna have to be a little more specific I feel lije foolish has done a lot of lore, though I think I’ve missed most of it. Are you talking about truing to break into the prison? Hilarious that every character despite their opinion on c!dream has at one point attempted to break into the prison. If only c!dream knew that the only common enemy the server needed was a building they were supposed to stay out of

dont say sorry that’s illegal (/j) also the thing I like about anon is that you can come back and respond when ever is best for you? Makes me feel like an old western bar tender who is just vibing. That’s the dream social interaction tbh

[sitontheground]

#WitchesForBLM

So, I know I don't exactly post much, if at all, but in light of recent events in the US the majority of witches on both tumblr and tik tok have decided that on Friday June 5th, we were all going to be casting spells of protection for the protesters as well as hexing and cursing the cops and the white supremacists who oppose them.

While I am not American (I'm from Canada) nor am I a person of color but I have always been one for activism and fighting for the rights of those whose voices aren't heard or are purposefully silenced. I don't post about it because I don't post much of anything at all. This platform, for me, isn't about making my voice heard but appreciating others' work and words. I also don't particularly care for speaking about my craft much because it is something I find very personal and don't much wish to have others peering in on my personal affairs.

And yet, despite my private nature and lack of desire to post about my activism, I have made the decision to share what I did during the full moon to work this cause into my craft.

For any who have questions or complaints about how I did what I did or why, my craft is my own and I just follow what feels right. If you try and do or say anything to me that I feel is in anyway attacking me and my practice I'm just going to block you. You have no place sticking your nose in my work and I'll not thank you for it.

My Full Moon BLM Support Ritual

As a preface, a lot of the ingredients and items I used were already prepared. Most by happenstance as they are things that I typically keep on hand. The only thing I didn't have in my back pocket before I began was one of the sigils I used.

I also meditated facing the south. Facing the direction of the people I wanted to protect.

Ingredients:

Charged water (I used storm water*)

Charged crystal (I used my fluorite point for the reason that it often amplifies my emotions*)

Needle

Black thread

Orange paper**

Purple paper**

Stick of charcoal (for drawing)

Sigil of protection

Sigil to hex the oppressors

Sachet of protection powder***

Music to increase emotion**** (optional, to be played during both halves of the ritual)

Note: both of the sigils that I used will be shown below

I started when I heard whispers from the witchblr community members that I follow about the full moon being used to help the protesters. That day there was a storm where I live so I was already collecting storm water, but I made sure to separate some for the specific intent of using it on the full moon.

Friday night, I gathered my ingredients and created a sigil for protecting the protesters. I am aware that the eclipse would likely have a negative effect on most protection spells, but the spell I used was one that I created and use without the power of the full moon more often than not. The power of the spell comes entirely from a sacrifice I make for it, which I will explain in more detail later.

Take the storm water, the sigil of protection and the protection powder.

Meditate on the sigil to charge it.

Take a pinch of the powder (A Pinch. You don't need more than that!!!) and sprinkle it in the water.

Swirl the water clockwise 3 times to increase the power of the powder while mixing it in (I had the water in a small Mason jar with a lid so I could swirl it in large movements to incorporate the powder properly without spilling)

Take your right index finger and dip it in the water

Drip 3 drops onto the paper with the sigil

Meditate on the sigil again, focusing on the power of the water sinking into the lines of the sigil

Drink the water with the protection powder to cast the spell

Fold the paper with the sigil on it 3 times, being careful not to rip the wet paper, and leave it in a window or outside until daylight.

Note: the protection powder tastes Bad. Really really really bad. This is why a pinch is more than enough. I usually keep something around to wash the taste out of my mouth when everything is all said and done. This time I used hibiscus water, but usually I use tea.

And that's all there is to the first part of the ritual. Really that can be done at anytime for anyone as long as you have a sigil that corresponds with them.

The next part of this was the part where I actually drew upon the power of the moon.

Take the other sigil, the needle and black thread, and the charged crystal.

Meditate with the crystal in your dominant hand and the hexing sigil in your other focusing on the power that the crystal is feeding into you and pushing it out with your intent through the sigil in order to truly focus the energy you're sending out.

Tear the paper with the sigil on it in until it is in small pieces. As you rend it apart, feel the fire of your anger and the anger of all those fighting for this cause and send it out into the world with every tear in the paper.

Using the needle and the black thread, pierce the center of every piece of the paper until they are all strung up.

Bring all of the pieces together on the string and wrap the thread around the 3 times

Tie a knot in the thread.

Wrap the thread and tie the knot 2 more times.

Cut the thread and cast away the bundle of thread and paper however you see fit (burning, burying, tossing in the trash. whatever works for you)

And that’s that on that. I began my work at midnight on the full moon and when I was finished I was exhausted. I had a headache and my hands were shaking and I just wanted to crawl into my bed so much that I almost forgot to ground myself at the end which would have made everything so much worse the next time I woke. If I were to do it again, and I probably will, I’d make sure to give myself some time in between spells, which I did not in this case. In fact, I’d suggest that if you were to attempt something similar to this you should do them completely separately. However, due to that fact that the moon was in Gemini it felt right for me to complete two spells during it.

And now onto the notes.

*In regards to my choices of charged water and crystal, I have to note that I base my practice by what feels right at the moment. I’ve gone into spells with something in my hand that, by the time I get around to using it during the casting process, it no longer feels like the right tool/ingredient to use and I have gone to find what does feel right, or at least what feels best. The use of storm water has to due with how the chaos and anger that comes from the people on the front lines of this movement feels to me like a storm overhead. They were patient and they brewed this storm for centuries, waiting for us to notice it and do something to lessen the blow that it would cause. But eventually, as all storm must, the thunder rang out and the sweeping gales of wind told everyone just what was going on. Storm water, for this particular variation of my protection spell, seemed very appropriate. I used my fluorite point because whenever I’m working a particularly emotional spell, whether it is my emotion or someone else’s, I use this crystal because it amplifies what I’m feeling and it gives that emotion power.

Also this is my fluorite point.

**As most will suspect, the colors of the paper do signify different things, but if you don’t just happen to have colored paper hanging around white paper would work too. Again this was something that I just figured felt right at the time. I used the purple paper for the protection sigil. Purple, to me, is a regal color that signifies wisdom, power and good fortune. I used the orange paper for the hexing sigil because orange is the most infuriating and aggressive color I could think of (psychologically speaking the color orange is the most likely to send a person into a fit of rage). 

***Alright, so for most of the above I have been rather vague when it comes to the protection powder, but that’s because it is a recipe of my own creation that I have reliably used for a couple of years now and I’m proud of it. It was one of the first things I ever did when I started my craft and I haven’t ever felt like something that I should spread to the masses. Now, however, I don’t feel that same hesitation when it comes to giving the recipe so here it is. 

1 part garlic powder

1 part  cumin

2 parts cinnamon

1 park Himalayan pink salt

1 sprig of cedar, dried and crushed as small as you can make it

When I first made this recipe, I didn’t do anything with it besides mix it all together and put it in a small velvet bag that I got with an old pair of headphones. I soon learned that just mixing together a couple of spices doesn’t exactly create a protection spell and thought it a failure. right as I was about to tear the page with the recipe from my spell book, I decided to meditate on it for a while. That night, I took the little bag with the powder into both of my hands and began to meditate. When I came out of it, I realized that 4 hours had passed by and I could feel the energy from the powder in the bag. So, to make long stories short, you have to key this powder to yourself first. Since then, I have used it as a protection for others by using the same powder that I mixed a couple of years ago that has protected me for that long. I take some of that powder and, using the charged water, I key it to the other that I want to protect, and then by drinking the water I am sacrificing the strength of my protection spell in order to cast one on someone else. This is why I didn’t see an issue doing this spell during the eclipse, which I have read can be a force of undoing. I had no issue casting a hex during the eclipse because I wanted to see the undoing of those that I was trying to hex, but the protection spell will not fail because I didn’t pull on the power of the moon.

****Yes, I listen to music while I work. On the night of the full moon, I was listening to Freedom by Beyoncé ft. Kendrick Lamar on repeat during the whole shebang. When I work, I am incredibly focused, so much that even the slightest disturbance to my balance will send the whole spell crashing down at my feet. If I were to work in silence, a single pin drop could cause me to lose focus and the spell could go awry. So, usually I will put on a single song that reflects the work that I am doing. Either that or I go to ambient-mixer.com and find some background sounds that I can customize and put on for myself. I chose the particular song that I did because both artists are POC angd it sends a message that aligns with the intent of both of these spells.

Sigil of Protection

This one I created myself.

Hexing Sigil

This one I did not create myself. The wonderful ceramyn here on tumblr created it, so this is me crediting her work.

[youveneverbeenalone]

Inktober for Writers/Fictober:

Day 31- Final (Darejones)

So even though it may have looked like I forgot about this project or abandoned it, I never did. It just took me... a long while to finish the last prompt. But I finally did it! So for anyone who’s still interested, here’s the final day, and with the prompt of “Final” which seems fitting. Holy cow, I can’t believe this is finally going to stop taking up space in my head. More space for other ideas, then. Or at least I’m crossing my fingers about that. 

This one is a culmination of pretty much the whole month of other prompts, and features our two favorite idiots hashing out their issues re: Matt’s recklessness and Jessica’s protectiveness. Hopefully it feels like the bookend it is meant to be.

Just in case anybody needs it, prompt list here list here, and links to the previous day, the tumblr masterlist, and the completed AO3 collection at the bottom. Let me know your thoughts if you’re so inclined. If you’re still here, thank you all so incredibly much for reading and sticking with me. I’m so glad to have found so many other Darejones fans along the way with this endeavor, and even though I disappeared for a while, I hope you’re all well! Cheers! ______

Day 31 - Final 

The night he decides to stand his ground takes her by surprise, though later, as she reflects on it, she guesses that they’ve been building to this for a while now and he was well within his right to do so (even if she’s loath to admit it). 

The call he makes to her earlier that afternoon to invite her along to help him with his vigilante-ing is vague enough that it gives her the impression that the whole gang will be joining them in whatever do-good actions they’ll be enforcing; so, when she shows up and sees only him on the warehouse rooftop, dressed and ready for action, she’s immediately suspicious. And that suspicion comes out in her voice, making her tone pointed, maybe even a little accusatory.

“What the hell is this?” she says, gesturing to the empty space around him.

“Well, hello to you too. But what are you talking about?” he asks, face distorting in confusion. 

She fights back a snarl because she already has a bad feeling about the direction the conversation is heading, but she really hopes she’s reading him wrong. “Don’t act like an asshole. Where is everyone else?”

“It’s just us tonight,” he says, adjusting his gloves and helmet, as though he can’t wait another minute to bust down the doors and start kicking asses.

“‘Just us’? Up against an arms’ dealer and eight of his most well-armed buddies. But you didn’t think to call anyone else? Even when you took a round in the stomach last time you barged ahead and tried to handle something like this solo, and I chewed your ass to Brooklyn and back for it?”

“Jess, look—“ He has his hands up in a placating gesture, one that she can’t help but notice puts extra space between them. But that does nothing to cool the fury building in her stomach. If anything, it stokes the flame.

She stomps into his personal space and bats his hands away before using a strong finger to poke him in the chest of his suit.

“What the fuck is your problem, Matt? This is exactly the kind of thing I was on you to ask the team for help with.”

“And I did. I called you.” He sounds genuinely baffled as he points this out to her and for reasons that she can’t articulate, it causes her blood to boil. 

“Yeah, and I’m fucking ecstatic. But that’s not what I meant, and you know it,” she snarks as she rolls her eyes at him.

“Jess, it’s not the first time I’ve been up against these guys. I can handle it. No, let me rephrase— we can handle it.”

“That’s not the point. It’s an unnecessary risk when we have a guy that’s literally bulletproof not even a borough away who would be all too happy to help us, I’m sure—”

“Yeah, but he was busy. It doesn’t matter anyway though, because you and I can handl—“

She barely even pauses enough to let him speak, let alone registers his words before cutting him off; she’s too busy digging her heels in. “You say that like we’re actually going to go through with this plan.”

“Because we are. Or at least … I am,” he says with a shrug. “I told you, I’ve taken this guy down before, guns and all, and he’s really not as dangerous as you seem to think—”

“Right. So was that before or after you nearly got yourself killed under a collapsing building?”

She can’t see his eyes, but she can tell his face has fallen by the pout of his mouth and the way his whole posture shrinks, like she’s punched him in the gut. “Jess. Come on. What does that have to do with this?”

At the sight of him, Jessica notices prickles of guilt that begin to gnaw at her stomach, but his words continue to fan the flames of anger, burning the guilt away. “Are you kidding? It has everything to do with this.”

“But I’m not being reckless. I’ve got a plan and I have you to help me. Plus, I’m in a much better head-space than I was last time. I could have already handled this on my own, but I was trying to show you I was making an effort by asking you to come with me.” He actually has the audacity to let incredulity slip into his voice. She nearly pops a blood vessel at the sound.

Jessica’s hands reflexively begin to ball into fists at her sides. Because he still just isn’t getting it. “Are you deliberately misunderstanding me at this point? Because, honestly, it’s kind of amazing if you aren’t.”

Matt puts a hand on his hip while rubbing the back of his neck with the other. “I don’t know what to tell you. I heard you and I took what you said to heart. I’ve been involving the team more often, and I’ve been making a conscious effort to be less reckless with my own safety. But I know what I’m doing. I was a vigilante long before I met you or the others, and I got along just fine—“

She doesn’t even try to stifle her scoff. “Judging by the patchwork of scars all over your body, that’s debatable at best, if not a full-fledged lie—“

Instinctively, she flinches as he interrupts her, voice raised and hands splayed out and pleading before him. 

“Jess, please. What do you want me to do? Hang up the mask altogether? Because that’s what I’m really hearing you say. But I-I can’t do that ... I won’t. This is a part of who I am, and I won’t give it up. Not even for you. No matter how much I … care about you.”

Jessica blinks at him, her fight, flight, or freeze response engaging as the hair on her arms stands on end. She sucks in a shaky breath as he continues, voice low and raw, like he’s struggling to get the words out.

“I know you don’t like ultimatums, Jess. I don’t either, but I’m tired of this … ” he sighs heavily as he gestures between them, “ … this argument. I don’t want to fight about this anymore.” A red-hot flare of anxiety goes off in Jessica’s stomach as his voice trails off to a whisper. The words are nearly lost to the light breeze picking up on the rooftop. 

But she hears him anyway, and her heart plummets to her feet. And suddenly her tongue, which moments before was lithe and fiery is now leaden and stuck in her mouth. A tense and silent beat passes as she struggles to remember how to breathe. Before she can, though, he continues.

“So I guess it’s your turn to decide what this relationship really means to you. Because if we’re gonna be together, I need you to believe that I’m trying. And I need you to trust me with this.”

Jessica stands completely still for a beat— freeze the survival response winning out for the moment— save for her trembling lip as the rage and heartbreak warring in her chest threaten to break through the mask of her face. Her breathing is an exaggerated rhythm of shuddering inhales and harsh exhales while she tries to quiet her rushing thoughts, and just as she thinks the heartbreak is about to win, one hot tear slides down her cheek. But as soon as she feels it, she wipes it away with an angry hand and that’s all it takes for the rage to win out.

It’s a quiet rage, though. A focused, white-hot kind like a laser shooting from her eyes and her mouth, all but immolating the world before her. She looks directly at him and dares him to cower from her gaze. 

“Don’t act like that’s not a big ask, Matt. It’s fucking huge and you know it. So forgive me if I can’t find it in me to watch you walk headfirst into your grave— again — for the ‘greater good’.” 

He doesn’t cower, doesn’t even flinch at the caustic tone she uses. All he does is swallow and drop his head to the ground silently as she finishes. 

She lets a tense beat hang in the air between them, waiting, giving him one last chance (and praying to a god she doesn’t even believe in for him to ask her, beg her to stay). But when he still says nothing, she rolls her shoulders and adjusts her jacket, then scoffs. 

“Well, good fucking luck, Daredevil. I hope you don’t get shot,” she spits at him, as she turns on her heel and bounds off toward the edge of the rooftop, jumping to the next building over. 

When she hears him call out her name, voice raw and desperate, she can’t help another tear from rolling down her cheek.

“Jess, hey, come on. Please? Jess? Come back, Jess. Jess?” 

But with another few bounding leaps, she loses the sound in the ambient noises of the city.

“Dammit, Jess, don’t … Jess! Please... Jess… Jess…”

—-

Jessica waits until she’s jumped a few more blocks over (Matt’s super senses be damned) before she yanks her phone out of her pocket and dials Trish.

“Hey Jess. What’s up?”

“You still got my whiskey of choice on hand at your apartment?”

“Yes … but do I want to know why you’re asking?” Trish asks with palpable hesitation.

She sighs, eyes closing as she replays the last thirty minutes in her head. “Well, I think Matt and I might have just broken up, so—“

“Oh my god! Jess, what happened?!”

“Look, I’m already on the way. I’ll tell you when I get there. But I’ll need booze first. Lots of it.”

“Yeah, I’ll have it ready for you.”

“Great. I’ll be there in like, ten minutes.”

“Are you alright?”

“No. But that’s why I’m inviting myself over. ‘Engaging my support system’ or whatever the fuck. Be proud, or something.”

“Jess, where are you? I could come pick yo—“

“And Trish?”

Jessica would almost swear she can feel the reverberations of the sigh Trish gives travel through the phone. “... Yeah?”

“Leave your balcony door unlocked.”

“... Right.”

—

As soon as Jessica gets to Trish’s apartment, she makes a beeline for the counter, where an unopened bottle of Jim Bean waits for her next to a glass tumbler. She bypasses the tumbler and cracks opens the cap, swigging generously from the bottle. 

Trish watches from the end of the counter in concerned bafflement. “Please, don’t stop on my account.”

Bringing the back of her hand up to wipe her mouth, Jessica sighs. “Hi. Whatever. Sorry. It’s been a pretty fucking shitty night, okay?”

“So I heard. What exactly happened?”

Jessica takes another swig, then leans forward on the counter with her elbows, picking at the label on the bottle.

“Matt called me earlier and said he had a job he wanted to do tonight— an arms dealer he wanted to put out of business— and he was requesting back-up. So I show up at the spot, but it’s just him and me there. No Danny, no Luke.”

Trish nods at Jessica, encouraging her to continue. “Uh huh. So?”

“So, I immediately get pissed because I thought all four of us were going to be taking this operation down, but apparently he wants to do it with just the two of us.”

Trish narrows her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest, leaning a hip against the counter. “And you were pissed because…” 

“Because this is the same kind of bullshit I’ve been warning him not to do, since the last time he tried, he got shot in the fucking stomach. So I remind him of that, and then he acts all confused about why I’m mad, saying he called me for help and asking me what more I wanted him to do.”

Trish hums. “So how did you respond to that?”

“I told him he was missing the fucking point and that he still wasn’t taking his safety seriously enough. And I reminded him of his genius plan at Midland Circle.”

“I’m guessing that went over well,” Trish says with a flat voice.

“Like a fucking lead balloon. And then he got all pissy and hurt and basically told me I was being unfair and that what I was really asking was for him to quit being Daredevil.”

Trish looks up at Jess, her eyes as big as dinner plates. “Wow.”

“Yeah. And then … he said that he couldn’t do that, no matter how much he might care about me.” Jessica stares into the distance for a moment after she speaks, then chugs at least a shot and half’s worth of whiskey in one swallow.

Trish sighs, concern on her face. “What did you do when he said that?”

“Nothing. I was shocked. And so fucking angry I could barely see straight. So then he gave me some bullshit ultimatum that I either learn to trust him as Daredevil or we’re done because he couldn’t stand to have this fight anymore.”

Carefully edging a little closer along the counter, Trish’s voice is very quiet when she speaks. “And what did you say?”

“I told him that it was too big an ask and he knew it. Then I told him not to get shot. And I was bitchy about it. Then I left.”

“Oh god.”

“Yeah, I know. What a dick move, right? I mean, you think you know a person—“

“What, Jess… you can’t be serious.”

With an appalled scoff, Jessica turns a deadly glare on Trish that communicates the fact that she is very serious. 

But Trish is unfazed. “Don’t you think he has a point?”

At this, Jessica turns from leaning on the counter to face Trish directly, mirroring her pose with her arms crossed over her chest. “No. I don’t.”

Trish uncrosses her arms and steeples her hands together, as if searching carefully for the exact words to use.

“Jess, you know I’m the first one in your corner. Always. But I don’t think he’s in the wrong here. I’m just saying—“

Jessica interrupts Trish with a wounded look. “How could you… ? Have you forgotten what he did? How reckless he was?”

“You mean what he did months ago when he almost died? And after which he has been making a serious effort to be less reckless? At your insistence?”

“Yeah, until tonight,” Jessica counters with a pointed look and biting tone to match.

“So, what would you have wanted him to do differently? He already called you,” Trish says as she leans one hand on the counter and places the other on her hip. 

Jessica pauses and glares at her, not liking where she thinks the conversation might be headed. “Y-yeah. Well ... he could have called the rest of the team. Or at least Danny, since Luke was busy-“

A sudden shock runs through Trish and her jaw drops. Eyes wide, she gasps and crosses down the counter to Jessica. “Wait, how do you know that?”

Jessica drops her arms flatly to her sides. “Well, Matt said—“ 

“What was that?!” Trish interrupts Jessica, urgency on her face and in her voice that Jessica can’t place.

“Jesus, what? Why are you freaking out?” Jessica says as she turns to take another drink of whiskey.

“Jess, are you hearing yourself? Matt called Luke. In addition to calling you. He asked for help, but apparently Luke was busy. So who knows? Maybe he called Danny too, but they were both busy. But just because Luke couldn’t come doesn’t mean you should be punishing Matt for still wanting to be Daredevil. Don’t you think he’s more than paid his penance at this point?”

The flame of anger in Jessica’s stomach that had been slowly guttering and dying as she put more distance between herself and Matt now flares to life again, blazing bright. She chugs two shots’ worth of whiskey and slams the bottle down as hard as she dares without breaking it against Trish’s expensive marble countertop.

“Not if he’s going to continue to put himself in the same needlessly life-threatening situations over and over again.”

Trish shakes her head and seems to deflate, giving a resigned shrug. 

“Then is Matt right? Do you want him to quit? Because that isn’t fair. You knew being Daredevil was important to him going in. And his desire to save the world is actually part of what you love about him, whether or not you’re willing to admit it.”

Jessica pushes off of the counter and starts pacing, running nervous hands through her hair. “Well I don’t love it enough to sit around and wait for him to die because of it. Again,” she snarls. 

Trish’s entire demeanor changes at that. She sighs, melancholy in her voice. “Is that really what this is about?”

Instead of answering her, Jessica returns to the counter and slams another shot. 

But Trish correctly (and annoyingly) interprets her silence as confirmation. Trish creeps closer, voice soft and low, as if in an effort not to spook her. “Have you considered trying to explain what it is you’re afraid will happen?”

Jessica snaps her head over at Trish. “I’m not afraid. Why the hell would you think I’m afraid?”

Trish crosses her arms again and fixes Jessica with an arch look. “Hmm. Of course not. So you’d feel perfectly comfortable explaining to him why you completely lost your shit tonight? ‘Cause you know, some people actually share their thoughts and feelings with those they care about.”

“Yeah, and some people walk on burning hot coals for fun, but that doesn’t mean I plan to do that,” Jessica says with a sneer as she takes another drink of whiskey. She feels Trish’s gaze on her but ignores it, staring blankly out into space as a heavy silence falls. 

Eventually, Trish shakes her head and rubs her eyes before turning to Jessica with a solemn look on her face.

“You are standing on a precipice right now. Depending on how you choose to handle this, you could lose him. For good. You do understand that, don’t you?”

“Better now than when he’s lying dead under a pile of rubble somewhere because he just couldn’t quit being the hero,” Jessica spits, throwing back one last shot.

“... Right. Because if you leave him now it hurts less or protects you from pain in the future somehow?” Trish poses it as a question, but uses a tone that sounds like she’s not really asking. And Jessica doesn’t like the air of judgement she hears instead.

“At least it gives me the fucking choice.”

“So you’re telling me, honestly and truly, this is what you want? This is the ‘choice’ you want to make? To walk away from the one person who you’ve ever really cared about— and who cared about you— because you’re scared?”

This is the last straw. Jessica has let Trish say and get away with a lot tonight (and in general, lately) but this is a bridge too far. Her hands curl reflexively into fists at her sides and she turns on her heel, acidic words already forming on her tongue. 

“Fuck you! You’re one to fucking talk about being scared in relationships—“

But Trish seems to have prepared for this storm, and doesn’t so much as flinch against Jessica’s words. “Which is why I still go to therapy, Jess. To own my shit. And to continue to work through it. Maybe you should try that sometime. But that’s beside the point and I won’t let you derail the conversation by trying to change the focus to me. Are you seriously okay with him walking out of your life like this? Because you might not be able to fix it later if you’re not.”

Just like that, all the fight goes out of Jessica. Because for the first time all night she starts to seriously consider the possibility of losing Matt. And where anger had been raging in her stomach moments before, now only an endless, horrifying black hole of pain and doubt and terror remain. 

“...F-fuck! I don’t know,” she sputters, anxious hands back in her hair.

“Well, I think you should take some time to figure that out. So you can be sure.”

Forcing a deep, slow breath, Jessica closes her eyes and leans against the counter while she regains her composure. “Fine. Point taken.”

She pushes off the counter and reaches for the bottle of Jim Bean, but Trish catches her wrist and gives her a meaningful look. 

“Some clarity of thought might help you too.”

Jessica shoots her an irritated glare. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Trish closes her eyes and sighs, dropping her hand from Jessica’s wrist. “Jess, do what you want, but I’m just trying to help. You two have a good thing going here, and I don’t think it’s too late to fix it. Not yet.”

With a derisive scoff, Jessica snatches the bottle by the neck and puts it in her messenger bag. “Gee thanks, Dr. Walker. Be sure to send me a bill for all of this fan-fucking-tastic advice.”

“You couldn’t afford me,” Trish deadpans as Jessica turns and stalks to the door of the apartment. Jessica scoffs and flips her off over her shoulder for good measure. But as she opens the door to leave, she catches Trish’s eyes one last time and the hope and encouragement she sees there gives her a modicum of comfort for what she has to do.

---

The whiskey bottle clinks and sloshes inside of Jessica’s bag with every movement she makes, but she doesn’t reach for it as she walks. After fuming for a few blocks about Trish’s insight and inability to let her get away with shit, Jessica’s anger recedes and she begrudgingly admits to herself that Trish might have been right— she needs to be sober if she has any hope of making a decision she’s not going to regret for the rest of her already miserable life. Or at the very least, she needs to not be drunk. 

Having gotten lost in her thoughts, she stops walking and looks around to find she’s gone on autopilot, walking mindlessly in the city she knows as well as her own name. But her feet have not been steering her home. Instead, they’ve been taking her on the increasingly familiar route to Matt’s apartment. And that has to be indicative of … something, even though she’s not sure quite what yet. 

She pulls out her phone and sees that it’s 10:39 pm, meaning that he’s likely still out and about Daredeviling … assuming things went fine with the arms dealer and he’s not bleeding out in an alley somewhere. She blocks that thought and decides to knock to see if he’s home, and if he doesn’t answer, she’ll wait for him on the rooftop. She’s honestly hoping he isn’t, as it will give her some time to think. 

When she gets to his place, she jogs inside and up the stairs and knocks as she planned to, and much to her relief she gets no response. So she jogs back down the stairs, then walks around to the alley and jumps up to the roof to wait him out and to do some serious processing. Finding a vent to rest against, Jessica plops down, one leg up and the other splayed out on the rooftop, as she grabs the whiskey from her messenger bag. She unscrews the cap and takes a sip, but she’s mindful not to take too much. She doesn’t want to get drunk. She just needs to take a little of the edge off. 

And then she waits. She waits and she thinks. She thinks and she waits. And occasionally she drinks. But mostly she forces herself to really consider how she’s going to feel if she wakes up tomorrow knowing she can’t call or text or touch or kiss or see Matt ever again. And when she can barely stand to entertain the thought, that’s telling in and of itself. 

A part of her tries to argue that she knows what it feels like because she’s done it already— when she thought he was dead after Midland Circle— and though it tore her to pieces, it’s better than getting closer and closer to him until the point where he might actually die (whether from his own pride and heroics or due to the inevitability of the human condition). But then she pictures his smile, the smirking one that’s her favorite, that spreads across his face like a sunset and sets off sparks in her stomach. And she imagines his voice, soft and low like it gets when it’s just the two of them, like he knows mysteries she can only imagine. And then she remembers the warmth of his embrace, and how it makes her feel safer and more secure than she’s felt in years, as if the mooring that she thought she had lost, he helped her to regain. And tears start streaming down her face. Because she’s made a mistake. A big one. Maybe the biggest of her life, and she has plenty with which to compare. One she’s praying to any and all deities who will listen that she can fix before it’s too late. 

Because she knows in this moment that she’d rather spend whatever time is given to her— a month, a week, a day— with him than live another hour without him. In spite of how much she knows it will one day hurt when, for whatever reason, they aren’t together, she doesn’t want to be the reason they aren’t together now. 

And Trish was right. She’s being unfair. Matt has been trying and she hasn’t wanted to see it because she’s been so afraid. Afraid of being honest about her true feelings. Afraid of losing the only successful and healthy relationship she’s ever had. Afraid to upset the carefully constructed balance she has achieved in her life. But she has to afford him the trust he’s asking for. The trust he deserves. Daredevil is a part of him and she loves that he is so idealistic and cares so much about helping others, even if it sometimes makes her sick with worry. But when she takes a step back, that worry seems a small price to pay in exchange for all that she gets in return. 

A thud at the other end of the rooftop breaks her out of her thoughts and she startles, her heart racing. She looks up to see Matt has landed on the building and is standing from a crouch. She forces herself to take a deep breath because that means it’s finally showtime. 

“Gotta be honest— I really hoped you’d be here. Especially when you weren’t home,” he says, voice neutral and calm. But his careful pace belies his anxiety as he slowly moves across the rooftop towards her. 

Jessica stands and adjusts her jacket as she does. “You trying to stalk me, Murdock?” she asks, her voice a more tame and only slightly forced version of the typical teasing drawl she’d use in a situation like this.

But he doesn’t tease back. His tone is as earnest as the expression on his face as he removes his helmet. “Jess, I wanted to apolog—“

“Why?” she cuts him off with an even tone and a shrug. “I think we both know I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

Matt blinks a few times at her, but otherwise hides his surprise at her sudden self-awareness. He crosses a few steps closer to lean against a vent jutting out of the rooftop floor as he puts down his helmet and begins pulling off his gloves. 

“Yeah, okay. I’m listening.”

A flush rises on Jessica’s cheeks because she hates being put on the spot. But she knows she needs to do this. So she puts her hands in her pockets and looks down at her shoes for a moment while she practices the words she plans to say in her head. Matt is patient all the while, giving her a curious, almost baffled expression.

“You were right,” she finally sighs, the words stiff and stilted in her mouth. But she forces herself to continue. “I was being unfair and I wasn’t acknowledging the efforts you were making. And … I’m sorry.”

Jessica glances up to check Matt’s expression to see how he’s responding, and she’s surprised when he’s basically beaming at her. 

“Wow, Jess. I appre—”

“Wait,” she says, holding her hand up to halt him, afraid to lose her momentum if she stops now. “I’m not done, and I’m only gonna say this once.”

Matt flattens his lips to swallow a chuckle and gives a small nod for her to continue. 

Her hands don’t return to her pockets as she prepares to speak again, but her gaze does return to her shoes. She doesn’t think he’ll mind. It takes a little longer to work up the courage to open her mouth this time, because these are harder words to say. So much harder. But she’s come this far. She takes a deep and slow breath hoping it will give her some strength. 

“I know you don’t want to have this argument anymore, and honestly I don’t either. So, I know I need to trust you with your vigilante bullshit. I never really meant for you to give up Daredevil. It’s just …” She trails off, emotion swelling in her chest and closing up her throat. 

Matt gives her a sad smile as he takes a step in her direction. “Jess—“

But she blows out a long exhale and flexes her hands a few times as the feeling passes and she cuts him off, eager to keep her momentum. “Look, I’m not trying to beat a dead horse here, but in addition to the handful of minor injuries you’ve sustained since, you almost died last year, Matt. And you disappeared for months.”

Chagrined, he rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “I know—“

“But it’s more than that,” she says as she continues to talk over him, refusing to stop until she’s done and the weight of her confession has lifted. “I almost lost you then, and you weren’t even mine to lose. You were just some blind but surprisingly coordinated asshole in fetish gear who had managed to worm his way into my head over a period of several crisis-fueled days. But now? If it happens again … I don’t know what I’d do. And I don’t want to know. Because I don’t honestly know if I could handle it. I just … can’t. Not again. Do you get me? I can’t.”

The other words she can’t say, those humongous and terrifying three words that underline this whole argument hang in the air between them. She spares a passing thought of gratitude that he can’t truly see her, because she’s sure they’re written all over her face. But she’s probably just fooling herself. Even if he isn’t sighted, he can likely read all the other signs that give her away, if he isn’t just reading her mind (and there are times she’s still half convinced he can).

An excruciating beat passes and Jessica starts to give serious thought to all of the different ways she could escape the rooftop, how quickly she could snatch her messenger bag and whiskey before breaking into a run, or whether she should leave it all and circle back later. But after a few seconds that feel like eons, Matt crosses to her, close enough that he could reach out and touch her, though he doesn’t. Not yet. 

“I understand, Jess. Very well. Because I also had a similar realization after you took off tonight and left me standing alone at that warehouse. And I can’t lose you either. I won’t.” Matt reaches out and takes her hands, which she reluctantly gives him, a guarded look on her face.

“Unfortunately, I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen, or that I’ll always be safe or that I won’t ever make a mistake or an error in judgment ever again.”

Jessica rolls her eyes and scoffs at him as she pulls from his grasp, but he gives her the slightest bit of resistance with his right hand and holds it out to her for a moment as she pulls away. 

“ … But I can promise you that I love you. And if that’s not enough proof that I am fully committed to keeping myself as safe as I can for as long as God will allow me to walk this earth? Well, at this point, I’m out of ideas.”

Her heart starts beating in triple time at his confession, and she is suddenly certain that he must have understood what she was not explicitly saying earlier. But for the first time in her adult life she allows herself to truly believe that it might not be a bad thing. To love. To be loved. To be vulnerable and invested in another person, even if losing that person one day would cause an incredible amount of pain. She’s already survived a lot of pain in her life, so she could probably handle it. Maybe it’s time to fully embrace the good she could experience by admitting her feelings, in spite of the what future pain may or may not be a product of such good.

“Typical lawyer. Always got to throw yourself on the mercy of the court and make an impassioned speech.”

“Is it working?”

She crosses the distance between them in one heartbeat, wraps her hands around his head and pulls him in for a fiery kiss in the next.

“Does that answer your question?” she asks flatly after finally releasing him as they both surface for air. 

“It lacks a certain eloquence, but it’ll do,” he says as he smirks at her. 

She kisses him again, hard, before he can say anything else. What need does she have for eloquence if she has him? And for now, she is content to know that she will have him as long as she can, whatever length of time that might be.

Day 30 | Tumblr Masterlist | Full Series Collection on AO3 

[ask-de-writer]

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : Part 29 of 83 : World of Sea

Return to the Master Story Index

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SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

Part 29 of 83

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2020

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users   of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may   reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information   remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in   my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical   compositions.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

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New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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“Kurin and I were playmates when we were young,” Silor began earnestly. “We didn’t know what Cat was back then.  She was just someone who was always there.  Cat knew lots of good stories about the First Ships.  That’s where it started.  Kurin started asking for more stories and Cat started teaching her apart from the rest of us.

“One night, Kurin’s father died.  He was only twenty nine or thirty. Kurin found him.  Within a short time, her mother went raving mad, then ceased to move or do anything.  She’s still like that. Afterwards, Kurin and Cat, the Dragon, became inseparable.  I think that her parents were a test of Kurin by the Dragon but I’ll never know for sure.

“A little after that, Kurin beat me out of the boat-shop apprenticeship under Master Juris.  I was two Gatherings older and considered likely for the job.  Then, without any explanation, no other Craft on the Longin would have me either.  Her influence was spreading.

“To be fair, I never heard of Cat doing anything evil.  She wasn’t human, so she may not have realized what kind of person she was teaching.

“I became a deck-hand.  I was a good one.  In only one and a half Gatherings I was made lead deck-hand, the youngest ever on the Longin.  Ask anyone, I was well-thought-of, maybe officer material in a few more Gatherings.

“I admit that I fell asleep on watch.  It was only a nap, and I was on duty in the hold.  How much trouble was that?  I’ll tell you.  They stripped me of my lead deck-hand job!  Only three of her lousy crabs died, and they broke me for it!

“Later, I was in a class,” Silor paused, torn between ingrained loyalty and his tale.  “I can’t tell you what the class was about.  That’s Ship’s Business.  The important thing is this.  She was in the class, too.  Captain Mord told me that I was doing well and then threw me out of the class.”

Huh, she thought, hearing this out, If he believes what he’s saying there’s enough emptiness in his head to make a good float out of it.  I’ve heard some of these tales from other sources.  It’s obvious that he’s left out more than he’s told.  “Ye make a start on yer case but i’ t’is come up in t’e Arrakan fleet, ye’d lose.  Oi need more proof.  Especially about t’e fleet bein’ under ‘er control.  Ye’ve nae even addressed t’at.”

“Tanlin, love, I can attest to at least some of what he says.  He first brought the matter to my attention five Gatherings ago, as a lad of nine.  Since then I have watched the surreptitious machinations of Kurin.  She does far more than make toys!”

“Oi fail t’ see ‘t, Barad, m’ luve.  T’e fleet dinnae revolve about ‘er.  She commands nane, nae is she any but kind.”

Silor started to rise up in protest but Barad waved him down.  “That is true.  She is far too clever to put herself in so exposed a position. Why should she take risks when others will do so for her without even knowing that they serve her?  She has real power — — and no need for the trappings of power.”

He appeared to be hit by inspiration.  “Stand up, Silor!”

Mystified, Silor did so.

“There you are, Tanlin, the proof stands before you.”

“Oi’m now confused.  Enlighten m’.”

“Why was he exiled?”

“‘E slept on wotch, w’ich ‘e admits, an’ gave away Ship’s Business.”

“What business did he give away?  I’ll tell you.  He told amusing stories about their crabbing venture, which I grant is a main business for them.  The deadly revelation?  That they had special nets for crabs and knew where to find them.  Both are obvious to anyone who thinks for ten seconds.”

“Oi’m beginnin’ t’ see.  T’is wa’ a mere pretext.”

“Exactly. Once he was ejected from the Longin, his credentials should have gotten him an immediate berth on almost any ship in the fleet.  It didn’t happen.

“I was at the Captains’ Council.  Everyone agreed, even the Longin, that he had done nothing to die for but no ship would save him.  And they agreed that he was worth saving.  Thus, exile.  She rid herself of a nuisance, and no blood shed, nor clue that it was even her doing — — unless one looks at the whole unlikely chain of events.”

“Wy’d ye nae just take ‘im up t’en, like so many ot’ers ye’ve ‘elped?”

“Yes,” said Silor.  “Why did you let me be sent away?”

“Safety,” said Barad solemnly.  “Yours and mine.  You opposed her openly and she determined to have you removed.  That is why the others would not help you.  

“What would have happened to your only refuge if I had opposed her will by taking you openly?  I play the part of buffoon, many laugh at this ship and myself.  Let them.  It keeps her from taking us seriously. That is the only safety that there is.”

“Now Oi see ‘t.  Wye wa’ ‘t so ‘ard t’ see?”  You do play well to his madness, Barad.  I would not have tried to turn this one to a tool.  I must learn what you plan to do.  This one is dangerous.

Solemnly Barad said, “This is why only she, of all who claim to be Dragon-witches, is dangerous.  She never owns-up to her power.  She never claims it.  She just uses it, hidden from all.”

There was a discrete rap at the door.  They all quieted at once.  Barad went and opened it a narrow slit.  A whispered conversation followed.

“That was the watch officer.  We need to go up on deck.”

As they were going up the companion-ladder to the deck, Barad asked casually, “Have you ever seen your boat before?”

“Yes,” said Silor tightly.  “In the Longin’s boat-shop.”

“Master Juris must have been pleased with it.”

“He was but he didn’t build it …”  A look of fear washed across Silor’s face as the realization hit.  “Kurin did.  It was her journeyman’s submission piece.”  He ran to the rail.  “Where is it?  Where’s the boat?”

“I’m Officer of the Watch, Theld Elon, Sir.  Boat’s at the end of its line.”  The line went down into the water, drawn tight and pulled back at an angle by the Grandalor’s speed.  “Went down sudden a few minutes ago.”

Tanlin looked calmly over the side.  “‘T appears t’at we almost missed pickin’ ye up.  Oi wonder ‘ow t’is ‘appened?” How did you do this, you old dragon?  What a touch!  I would never have thought of this!

“Mister Theld, heave to,” ordered Captain Barad with quiet authority.  “Get a diver on deck now!  We need to secure that boat for lifting.  With the water in her she’ll be heavy when she breaches the surface.”

Theld set to issuing orders, and the tocsin began its tattoo of command, bringing the watch to deck.  A diver, roused from her bunk, came up still yawning and stretching.  A pair of ungainly looking flat things were hung over her shoulder.

“What’s the problem, Captain?”

“We need to retrieve the boat that’s on the end of this line.”

Without any question as to why or if it were urgent, the diver got straight to business.

“What kind of boat is it and how big?”

“Day-sailer. About twenty five feet long, loaded for a month’s voyage.” Captain Barad looked for confirmation to Silor, who nodded.

“How long is this line?”  She had stripped, leaving only a pair of tight fitting shorts.  Sitting on the deck, she began strapping the flat things onto her feet.  She tied her hair into a tight bun.

“About forty feet.”

“OK, I’ll need two fifty foot, number three cables.  Attach the first one to the cargo block of the heavy crane.  Get the portable crane over here and secure it to the mizzen mast.  Put the other cable onto its cargo block.”

There was a lull for Captain Barad, Tanlin and Silor, as the watch crew prepared things to the diver’s satisfaction.

“What are those things on her feet?” Silor asked.

“Arrakan diver’s flips,” Tanlin answered.  “Our divers ‘ave used t’em for Gat’erings past remembering.”

“I thought that you lost your memory,” said Silor curiously.  “Did it come back?”  At her look of distress and Barad’s of rage, he feared that he had made a serious mistake.

“Nae, Luve.  Donnae ‘old ‘t against ‘im.”  She was biting back tears.  The more I do this the easier it is to forget that it’s an act.  “Ye cannae protect m’ from t’e world forever, an’ Oi must learn t’ cope wit’ ‘t.” She turned to Silor.  “Tis like t’is.  Oi lost only ane t’ing from m’ memory.  People. M’sel’ an’ eveyane t’at Oi’ve ever known, until Oi awoke t’ t’e Orca song.

“Oi can draw ye t’e plan an’ lines o’ ever’ ship Oi‘ve lived on.  Oi know all t’at Oi used t’ know.  Oi ‘ave t’e ’ule Arrakan fleet, ‘ts laws, customs, navigation, ever’t’in’s ‘ere,” she tapped her temple.  “But t’ere’s nae ane person t’ere!  Nae even m’sel’!  Tis worse t’an ghosts.  Tis utterly empty an’ never stops ‘urting, unless Oi can focus on somet’in’ new.

“Barad’s precious t’ m’ because ‘e keeps m’ safe at night.  ‘E ‘olds m’ an’ keeps t’e emptiness inside from swallowin’ m’.” Strange, but that’s nearly true.  Even if what we did was wrong, what’s done is done.  We were married before the whole Naral fleet by Arrakan law and, as it was accepted, it’s now legal by the Third Great Law.  I’m being treated like a partner and friend as a wife should be.

“I’m sorry,” said Silor sincerely.  “I have some idea of what you must feel.  I’ve lost my ship, too.  Also, my fleet, all that made home for me.  They’re gone but I remember everything and everyone.  It hurts.”

“Oi donnae t’ink Oi’d like t’ trade places wit’ ye, Silor.”  My act is sailing closer and closer to reality.  Your madness is driving you ever further onto dry land.

TO BE CONTINUED

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[drakrite]

UNPOPULAR OPINIONS... raileon edition

i’ve mentioned this to you a lot and it’s something i’m always preaching here but i really hate how they strip both leon and raihan of their characters for the sake of a ship. i mean, we’ve both spent HOURS building up the dynamic for ours but i really feel like the fandom and their take with these two specifically really needs to get their shit together purely for the sake of them not being written off in rather racist and demeaning lights. like, a lot of people treat them both like utter idiots and they’re literally ??? the complete opposites? also don’t get me started on how people make raihan this forceful and aggressive guy?? and like, how he’d treat leon horribly or just really be in it for the sex and that’s it? idk like that’s really dehumanizing to his character and it’s really disrespectful to leon as a character as well because they just... use this guy’s anguish in a way that doesn’t sit right with me. i’ve seen a lot of unhealthy tropes with them and a lot of abusive things and i just. can we not make such a harmless thing abusive?? it’s bad enough we have people out here fetishizing them both on separate occasions and together as a ship.

you also mentioned to me about my opinions on raihan but tumblr ate your ask so i’m tacking it here. it’ll be under a read more.

as someone who genuinely loves raihan’s character even canon - wise. it really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable with how a lot of people reduce him to e boy status with fuckboy vibes. like, where are you getting these vibes from?? because all i see is a guy who, in the beginning, struggled a great deal with his losses against leon and used social media as an outlet to cope. however, due to this and many of the pictures he’d take and post, he gained a following, his coping mechanism became a part of his lifestyle but he is ??? so humble? in fact he’s one of the most humblest characters in this game? sure he has an ego, that much is certain, hell you can tell bc in the jpn version he uses “ ore - sama “ to address himself. but all in all, he’s a highly respected individual??

like, he’s also described as a gentle dude, he’s kind, tpc literally state that he’s a gentleman and he’s VERY well mannered in their interview about him. he loves battling and leon is the one that gives him a run for his money, yes, but that merely motivates him even more. sure i love testing the waters about his possible distaste towards leon because when he loses to the protag, he literally degrades himself right in front of you. he calls himself out, he really does and he isn’t nice about it, but he doesn’t aim it at you, he aims it at himself. he keeps himself in check and he stays humble in the worst way possible and it’s through him legit degrading himself. this guy DOESN’T hold back with it too, it’s very clear he has high expectations to live up to because he’s leon’s rival and with the large following that he has. there’s surely many people biting at his feet.

so for people to reduce him to an idiot who can’t accomplish anything, y’all really do fail to recognize all of his other achievements. y’all really just reduce this successful black man to a joke, or to make him an aggressive man, or a fucking rapist of all fucking things, y’all make him the abusive boyfriend in your fucking ships or the raging alcoholic or druggie in your fucking portrayals. you make him the one with anger issues for no fucking reason but for angst sake, y’all really make him nothing more than shipping material or some sex god that’s in everyone’s pants and has all the men and women at his feet. y’all make the most racist shit up for this man and NONE of you double take on it and the moment i call that shit out you bitches wanna hard block me. full stop, y’all bitches racist as fuck if you can���t even learn and apologize for it, hard blocking me, a woman of color calling out RACISM when i see it says SO much and if y’all think i don’t know who does it, y’all wrong bc i know damn well the bitches that be doing this. you’re not slick, you’re ugly and you need to get your fucking priorities straight when you reduce a black man to an idiot who can’t think with anything but his dick in his hands or his hands in someone’s pants.

y’all fr piss me the fuck off with this nonsense and y’all don’t deserve raihan at all, if i could take him from the bitches that do this i would bc y’all tire me the fuck OUT with this shit on so many levels it’s unreal. check yourself when you wanna block someone for calling out the racist undertones in your behavior.

[purplesurveys]

883

1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I love chewing on any meal that involves rice. Born and raised with it, can’t feel full without it. I’ll give a special mention to slimy too, because I love seafood.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season? No. My mom removes our Christmas decor by late January, which is when Christmas season ends here. We don’t decorate for other holidays.

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Ugh god. Any time I’m left alone with Gab’s dad is bound to be awkward because he’s very quiet and stoic and I tend to be a vibrant, cheery people-pleaser and nothing I do will muster more than two words out of him...but our most awkward moment has to be when I was at their place and he had to leave to run some errands. I stood up and walked over to give him a hug, but for some reason the floor was slippery and I started to do the world’s clumsiest and longest stumble. As an instinct, I held on to his arm and shirt so that I wouldn’t fall flat on my face. It was terrible and nothing I could’ve done or said would’ve saved that situation. EUGH I’m wincing right now lmao

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? [trigger warning] Would have to be the time when my grandfather got too drunk off his ass that he physically assaulted one of my cousins, then a toddler. My aunt (cousin’s mom) is a little on the delicate and petite side and couldn’t do anything to confront my grandpa, who went on his rage for like 10, 15 minutes. Certainly felt like forever. Nothing has traumatized me more and that’s saying a lot, considering it’s been 13 years and I’ve been through tons of shitty situations.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? It’s not very weird but I did install an extension on my browser that would let me list certain sites (usually social media) I’d want blocked whenever I have work. I suppose not everyone has that kind of program so it kinda counts as unusual.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? With my dad, yes. My mom tells me enough stories. I know her family hit a rough patch when she was a teenager and they had to sell a bunch of their stuff, including a grand piano. She went from living a comfortable life to having to skip meals in college because she only had enough money for her daily commute.

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" Groan, this is so triggering. I’m not elaborating on this, soz.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? “>> I think having to deal with a murder investigation would be terribly messy and intrusive, and would add more trauma on top of what I’m already dealing with.” < All of this. You don’t always get closure with murders, too. And I would hate that.

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Raping an infant is definitely up there for me.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? Be a positive change or impact in someone’s life. Idk, I’m easy to please.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ll change the context of this question to Tumblr so I can answer it. And yes I do, sometimes. Not in a creepy way or anything; it usually happens when I encounter something in real life that I know another survey-taker likes.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Fort Bonifacio.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? We don’t get winter but yeah, December is the best time to leave the windows open throughout the night. It’s also a great time to be able to save on electricity haha

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? I’ve lived in a tropical country all my life so I’m a big-ass wimp when it comes to the cold, even though I love it more. I start shivering at around 23ºC. Too hot is anything reaching the 40s.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? Legs. I use my hands a lot more, so it would be slightly more difficult if I suddenly had to move about without them.

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Death. I get to have the infamous ~last meal~. Lol in all seriousness though, I’d pick it because it would be a quick release for me, I guess. It’s a big reason why I’m not a fan of death penalty...it’s too easy an escape for criminals who deserve a lot worse.

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? After Laughter - Paramore

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? I don’t have talents that would make me succeed in any of these fields...I guess it’d be fun to be a movie star though.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? Yes. I’m from a Catholic family, so we pray before every meal. I do a sign of the cross but barely, just so my mom sees I move my hands when we start the prayer; but I haven’t recited grace since I told myself I was going to be atheist.

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? I’d go with Evil Santa mostly because I have no attachment to the Easter Bunny whatsoever, and because it’d be hilarious to see a man with reindeer be mean.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Yes. That girl who wears a ribbon around her neck still gives me the fucking creeps.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? Black. I’ve done that many times, so it wouldn’t feel weird.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? I’m almost certain there are underlying issues on my mom’s side but seeing as none of us have ever gotten ourselves checked (and most of them don’t believe in mental health problems anyway) I doubt I’ll ever find out what exactly’s wrong.

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? They are both doing surprisingly well considering how long I’ve had to stay home and how much everything has turned upside down. I’ve only had two bad breakdown in four months and I’ve since recovered from that nasty fever I got, so I can’t complain.

25. If you found a suitcase (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] “>> See, a million dollars is an exorbitant sum. There is no way I could just casually make off with a missing million and not suffer repercussions. It's just too much goddamn money, and in this particular scenario, it's highly likely that it's a trap of some sort (whether set for me, or set for someone else and my dumb ass just happened to stumble across it). I'm not dumb enough to try it.

Neither would I necessarily want to turn it in, because that might cause me to get involved in something I didn't want or need to be involved in. The most logical course of action for me would be to leave it the fuck alone.” < Yeup.

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? Stars. The fact that they’re so much farther away makes them more fascinating to me.

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? There’s a certain brand of frozen sisig that I used to looooove and would have multiple servings of every time I had it. But I had it one too many times and now I can’t even stand the smell of it. On the other hand, I hated chicken curry as a kid, but I can’t get enough of it now.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Neither. I just feel 22.

29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? I mostly got along with kids of the same age. I found younger kids too rowdy and being around older kids always felt intimidating.

30. Do you know any magic tricks? Nopes.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? A lot.

32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? For sure. I always want to see how far FX artists can go; and if used correctly, gory scenes can be super integral to the movie. Midsommar is a really good example.

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? Not anymore. I used to check it a lot while I was still in school. Sigh, I miss that life so much. Anyway, time definitely felt slower during the first few weeks of the lockdown, but now that I’m used to it days just fly by. I can hardly believe we’re nearly in the middle of July. So much of this year has been wasted. It’s miserable.

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I’m taking the great location. I don’t know if I can last living in a shady area, no matter how beautiful my house is.

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? Domestic violence is the worst thing I can think of. I enumerated one of them in one of the earlier questions, but I witnessed several other cases as a kid.

[mahvaladara]

Shah Talks - Simblr, George Floyd, Racism and Accountability

Non of you need to know, from a white person, why racism is bad and why reverse racism doesn’t exist and why you need to be held accountable for your actions. We all know that, but it seems some people still think there’s no racism.

Racism is a problem.

Long talk ahead.

Now, racism is not a problem of “late”. Racism has always been a problem. 

Police has been killing black men and women for decades, people have been saying racist remarks for decades, people have had racist behaviours for decades. 

It is not a problem of late, every few weeks someone is being called out on simblr, SIMBLR, a Sims tumblr community, for being racist. And you’d think there’s nothing about sims to do with race, but there is! 

In a game you can literally make purple vampire alien dragons if you have the right mods, a world with no sims of colour is a red flag.

The latest problem in the simblr community was related to racism.

I don’t know both sides of the story, so I will take a neutral stance. But I do agree it is fair for people, for the followers of our stories to see more diversity expressed in them, to see their own ethnicities and groups portrayed respectfully in stories and not just as caricatures or token.

It’s like Tolkien saying there are no black people in his world because it’s a fantasy world. So basically, you created your own world, with talking trees, and you decided it didn’t need black people, just caucasian people of tall, dwarven, normal and hobbit sizes. So four different species of white people, but not black people, or people with different skin colours and ethnicities, just a bunch of different white people who are very tall and can have blond or white hair depending.

So basically racist.

I mean, if it was Avatar and you decided to say my world has no black people and no white people either because it’s a fantasy world where it’s inhabitants are all tall, lanky blue apes and not humans. Cool, makes sense. Not human.

But if you create a world with humans, and don’t give humans any different skin colours (as if the sun and tans and melanin and evolution don’t make part of humans) because it’s a fantasy world? I’m sorry, but it’s not because magic means the sun doesn’t hate us, it’s because you’re a racist who doesn’t like black people so don’t want them represented in your media or world.

The person of colour does not have the duty to educate them about it, but I think it should stand as a way for the person that was called out to look well at what they have done and how to fix it. 

Give them a chance to better themselves. But if they don’t improve, call them out. Don’t let it go!

AND RIGHTFULLY SO!

And for the person called out? It is a chance to grow, instead of running away.

Because you know what? I was a teen once, and I was young and ignorant once, and we grow, we learn and we evolve. It is up to you to know if you wish to grow or remain in the dark ages.

This just to show, racism is transversal to every topic, every community and every platform. And it’s not an issue of late.

What’s really happening is that people, namely white racist assholes, don’t like how vocal people have become towards racism and towards stopping it. And it’s letting some people (racists) very uncomfortable.

And that is good! We should not stand for racism. We should not let people get away with racism. And people should be very vocal about it. We should make them very uncomfortable!

It’s 2020, nothing justifies four types of jokes: racist jokes, homophobic jokes, sexists joke and rape jokes.

(If we’re lucky and Covid teaches us anything to mankind, by 4040 we can also outlaw blond jokes).

On twitter, facebook, reddit and even here, on tumblr I have been following actively the news. I am a supporter of the Black Lives Matter movement, so I have been watching what happened to George Floyd and the riots and this terrible, terrible tragedy. It has actually crossed international waters.

Not kidding.

Like today at work, this french kid who practices Taekwondo with me shared the “I can’t breath” poem and I am like: Oh my dragons! Make this shit be heard! Yes! Cross sea boundaries. Black lives matter!!" And of course, there was that white dick commenting on it, being a racist asshole.

(I have actually learned something from tumblr. I don’t block anyone on tumblr, I like to give them a chance here to redeem themselves, but I have certainly started blocking people on Facebook. So many racists, everywhere... So many idiots...)

And today the internet has brought something very dangerous for racists.

And that is ACCOUNTABILITY!

You no longer can be a closet racist, or just racist with your friends, or a joke racist. Basically RACIST, because people will find out and call you out. It’s not cool to do racist jokes anymore.

AND RIGHTFULLY SO!

(Reminds me when Borat came out and those two kids who made sexist remarks on film without knowing got a fine. I hope they learnt from this experience, grew up and are now better people - they probably didn’t, they’re probably still sexist dicks).

Nowadays if you’re racist online expect to be fucking crucified.

AND RIGHTFULLY SO!

Now they no longer can be racist pricks because the world won’t find it as funny as their racist prick friends do. 

Boohoo.

White girl tears.

(I never got this term. My tears are usually of pure unfiltered rage, pretty sure you can light them up on fire).

Now, on simblr I have tried to stay out of “drama”, as people sometimes like to call it, but a man’s death, an innocent’s man’s murder is not drama you stay out of! The abuse of authority that causes the suffocation and murder of a man is not something you should choose to stay out off.

I let my privilege speak for me. 

I am caucasian. Fate decided I should be white (tan easily and get vitiligo. Because fuck you, you get localized sunburns for the rest of your life). And as a white and furthermore european person I will never experience racism. I will experience other things, such as sexism, queerphobia or ableism, BUT racism is something I will never experience.

Because of this I have the privilige to chose not to comment on it. But this is what is wrong, choosing not to comment on an issue just because it doesn’t affect you is a problem!

By being quiet you are being compliant and an accomplice of problem displayed. It’s like if you just saw someone be bullied and you decided to be quiet instead of warning the teachers!

You just helped that bully ruin another kid’s day!

The same way, if you stay quiet, just allowed a murderer to get away with killing another black man.

Because truth is, this affects us all. 

This affects PEOPLE! This is what humanity is! People, white’s, blacks, reds, yellows, greens, grays, pinks, blues and purples, bieges and browns. But Caucasians are safe, everyone else is in danger, with black people being the ones more affected by this!

The great problem is this, racists, white people, somehow have divided humanity in two. Whites, and People of colour.

(I’m not even going to throw religion into the mix because Akatosh knows that’s one can of worms not even Namira will willingly open!)

It may be the result of decades of racial societal segregation and even continental division that has lead us all to think in an “us-them” mentality, but it is time to stop this. 

This is dangerous, for we should not stand idly while people are being abused, opressed, persecuted, having their rights stripped or their lives violated just because some trigger happy asshole thinks he deserves to be alive more because he gets to look like a lobster if he tans too long.

(Racism is white people being jealous at the fact the sun hates us *shrugs*. Just saying.)

And the anger white people, racists, feel when called out is ebcause they don’t want to be held accountable for being dicks to “the others”. 

“But he is great man. It’s just black people he doesn’t like.”

If you’re shity to people just because they have more melanin than you, you’re not “a great man”, you’re a racist prick.

White people, RACISTS, hate being held accountable for being racists, they hate being called out by the outrage of people rightfully have against them. 

And what does a racist do when he’s held accountable for his behaviour? 

Cue in:

“Well” Reverse Racism exists too!”

No. It doesn’t!

Let’s talk about George Floyd.

Now, I’m not going to speak on the why and how it happened. There are literally videos on it. 

But, as someone who practices martial arts, who is trained by a cop I have been thinking. 

If you are a person and you have the strength to immobilize an adult man and hold him crushed by the neck with your knee under you, you clearly have the strength necessary to easily handcuff and throw this same man in the back of police car without the need to FLAT OUT MURDER HIM. Because this is what happened, MURDER. 

A police officer killed a man just because. 

Homicide!

Now, I am not going to talk about the allegations or the accusations that lead to this event, because they don’t matter. They don’t change the fact that a police officer, a man whose duty is to protect the public and uphold the law, killed by choking, an already handcuffed and immobilized unarmed man, to death. 

Now, in the comments on the whole tragedy, there were comments about him resisting arrest officer fearing for his life. Now, I am sorry, but if you’re that strong, strong enough to hold an adult man crushed and struggling under you, your life? It’s not in danger!

Even if he resisted arrest, again, they immobilized him, handcuffed him, from there on, the police officer’s actions are unjustified. It is disgusting what the officer did. Murder happened on that day.

My Taekwondo master, a police officer, is a skinny man, and slightly taller than me. Which isn’t much because I’m like probably 5′4 in the USA metric system. The man’s a hobbit, and I have seen that hobbit of a man throw and immobilize a man twice his size and weight like he was a ragdoll in seconds!

So don’t tell me that cop had to do that, because that is bullshit. 

George was not carrying weapons, he was not resisting. All he wanted was to breath and live and he wasn’t allowed either. George was murdered.

That cop was neither alone or in danger. That cop acted on whatever delusions of power and justified racism and killed a man just because he could and he knew there wouldn’t be any accountability.

Normaly. But we have the internet. And the internet tell us it’s not the first time this cop abuses his authority.

But!

Because there’s always a butt.

Somewhere along the line appears the comment: “You white people are the ones that are dangerous to us.”

Wait, that’s not the but. That’s actually true.

I think that if that white Karen in that NY park taught us anything is that that comment is 100% true. White people hold the power to harm people of colour with just a phone call. And that is very dangerous and very scary for any black man or woman, to any person of colour, to anyone who doesn’t appear “white”. 

Because this again takes us to that divide, where these people, these heartless racist assholes see “The White (TM)” and “The Others(TM)” as two different things. "The White” don’t see “the others” as people, so they don’t see the harm in their actions and they don’t think they should be held accountable because they’re not really harming “people”, in their twisted mindset. So when you yell “you’re racist” you’re suddenly calling out their behaviour and holding them accountable for it and telling them “this isn’t okay!”.

Now, comment section. Facebook comment, section, twitter comment threads are where the gold is. There is where you find the people to block. Where you find the racists, the ignoramous and the idiots. And, as a therapist, I love reading them.

And there it was. The ugly can of worms, thrown straight as an answer to the above comment. The dreaded monster - “Reverse racism”.

“*annoying Karen voice* You can't say that! That’s reverse racism.” Followed by the obvious slew of not all white people are like that.

And you’re right, not all white people want to harm black people or people of any other ethnicity. But that doesn’t change the fact that they are dangerous still because they will always have the racial upperhand. 

But saying “all white people are evil” is not reverse racism. It is discrimination, though that sounds more like a joke, but definitely not racism. If there’s two black men walking down the street and they step to the other side upon seeing my white ass, they are not racist, they may be discriminative by thinking I may pose a danger to them, but they certainly aren’t “reverse racists”.

If a white person, a person in a position of power, a person from a specific ethnic group known for oppressing other ethnicities, were to say “Black people are good only for basketball”, that’d be racist. 

If a black person was to say “All white people want slaves”, it would be prejudice.

Racism is discrimination or prejudices based on beliefs imposed, unwillingly, in minority groups of another race by the oppressing or majority race. All prejudices have been imposed, mocked, caricatured and created by white people and placed on people of colour and other ethnicities. Every single racial prejudice was created by a white person. “Latinos are drug lords, blacks are thugs, asians are cheap, jews are greedy.” And so on, so on, so on.

Prejudices in white people however, are born from cultural differences and NOT race, and are usually created by other white people. These prejudices have no weight, whatsoever in the wellbeing or opportunities white people have access to, while racist prejudices actively hinder the life of people colour and put them in danger.

Portuguese people who are caucasian have this cultural prejudice that we are always late, but if I go to a job offer at no point will this cultural prejudice hinder my chances to get a job.

It is this main difference that makes it so clear, there’s no reverse racism! There is discrimination, but not racism. 

Second thing is that most prejudices associated to white people can literally be applied to anyone, while racist ones instantly connect to one specific minority group.

Thirdly, often reasons of discrimination towards white people result of previous experiences, needs for self-preservation, or equalitarian policies of opportunities given to minorities harmed by racism.

One common complaint white people have against black people are towards scholarships given only to specific communities and minority groups, very common in USA. Though these scholarships can be considered discriminative in a positive way because it helps people less fortunate to have opportunities, they are not racist. For a matter of fact, these policies often exist to try and fix what racism and segregation have caused.

This doesn’t make it racist because it does not, in any way affect the ability for a white person to reach the exact same opportunities.

Again, it is only racist when a prejudice associated with your race affects your safety, your access to opportunities, the way people treat you or see you.

So it can’t be reverse racism because discrimination towards white people usually affects other people too and it’s rarely ever caused by their race alone.

And this can of worms is a long one.

And I have so much more to say, but this has gotten so long and way out of control I think I’ll end it here.

Bottom line.

Stop being a racist dick.

Be vocal when someone is acting wrong.

And Reverse Racism is bullshit.

Also sign the petitions to bring justice to George Floyd. This man has died, brutally murdered by an officer, no amount of justice will ever fix this, but making sure the officers that allowed this to happen will never have the power to do it to another black man, woman, person again should be the first step of bringing justice to his family.

And if I said anything here that was wrong or inaccurate, don’t hesitate to let me know.

This was Shah,

Stay safe, be vocal and don’t let wrongdoings slide away.

I’m done here.

[spacegaywritings]

"Take Me Or Leave Me" - Chapter 1: A Decision to make

 Summary:  “Take Me Or Leave Me”(from “Rent” soundtrack), Logince, human au - Roman and Logan could not be happier on their wedding day. Except, Roman flirts too much and not even on their day of romance can he hold it. The two get into an argument as everyone watches.

Will Roman fight for their marriage or flight? (multiple endings)

ao3: 1 / 2 (angst) / 3 (comfort) // all. Tumblr: 1 / 2 / 3.

My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

Story under the cut:

Logan narrowed his eyes as he saw Roman offer the barkeeper a hand, the two already lightheartedly joking as the latter handed him a drink and spilled a bit. The nerd bit down onto his bottom lip, the bruised skin throbbing and turning from a faint pink into a more prominent and darker shade. He has had enough of the charmer he was dating, of him making his blood boil and palms sweat. It felt as if his heart was the only thing racing in this relationship and it seemed driven by the fear of being replaced, of not being good enough for the confident and painfully flirtatious actor.

Without realising that he had already stepped forward to the two handsome man who were having too much of a good time with their charismatic chuckles and light touches. Those touches were coming from Roman and Logan had a difficult time acknowledging it once more. The thespian would never be satisfied with him only, would he?

Slam!

Logan’s slender, pale arm, covered in a navy blue sleeve of his button up dress shirt slid over to Roman’s hand that held the drink eagerly. He gripped his wrist and pulled him closer.

“What do you think you are doing”, he hissed.

He could not bring himself to have more patience. It was not the first time. It had been various occasions before and this time it was just the top of it all. If Roman was good at one thing, then it was melodrama and topping himself again and again. Logan did not know how he was still surprised but it left a deep cleft within him and it felt as if Roman’s flirtatious eyes glancing at yet another person just bore daggers through his heart and it squeezed him in anguish.

Logan wrapped his slender fingers over Roman’s warm wrist. Even their skin tones were so different. Roman was tanned, seemed bronze  and  their body temperature contrasted like a sudden clash. It was an icy force shocking through Roman’s veins as the abandoned finger pads tapped onto the inside of his wrist and made him shift his attention. The source of pure charisma seemed oblivious as always and simply downplayed the whole incident, making Logan swallow down his emotions. A jingly laugh rattled the jealous pit in his stomach and he felt a sudden wave of nausea and bile biting into him as the warm green of his now-husband’s curious orbs dove into the distraught storm of his steel blue orbs.

They were not valid. There was no reason, no cause and no justification for him to feel like this, to be this jealous and demanding, right?

But damn, this was their wedding! Could he not be a little more decent and maybe flirt with him instead? Would he ever be happy with Logan only or was the latter damned to be the second in place, the warm, safe spot in bed that Roman would be happily accepted back in no matter the escapades previously.

Roman’s lips twitched from a playful smirk into a slight scowl. It felt as if the sunshine was blocked by a rainy cloud that demanded to dominate the weather now instead and started darkening the sky by covering the sun and isolating it for itself.

Logan wanted to go back, wanted to have a dance with his handsome man on supposedly their most fanciful and happy day in their lives but instead, he was standing in front of Roman whose mood seemed to sour as he put down his drink, his white button-up wrinkling up like his nose as if curling in disgust. But he was trapped in this situation and he was sick of swallowing down his feelings, letting the other trample on his freedom and his expression because he did not take him serious. Logan deserved as much.

He returned the scowl and pushed the hand away, out of reach of the barkeeper and the man got the hint, quickly inching away.

“Can’t you keep it to a limit, once? Just show me some decency on our wedding day. This ceremony and venue is so fanciful for your sake and you cannot even appreciate it for a few minutes? We got wedded minutes ago, Roman!”

The thespian sighed and freed his wrist with a sudden jerk of his hand and he pushed himself from the counter he was leaning against during his conversation. His casual and comfortable posture changed as he straightened and his shoulders seemed to bulk up. Logan could not have cared less as the burning fire in his pit did away with the gutting tug within him and the roaring nausea. He just wanted to have peace and not be betrayed in his deepest trust that he foolishly put into someone who did not appreciate it, did not appreciate him.

Roman stepped away and cleared his throat as the calm curiosity in his eyes compiled into a fierce fury of defiance. The green seemed to swirl into a compromised forest green

“Every single day, I walk down the street I hear people say “Baby,” so sweet Ever since puberty everybody stares at me! Boys, girls, I can’t help it, baby!“

The wholesome, engulfing voice of Roman’s singing caught Logan and seemed to steal his breath once more. It felt as if these sounds rendered him defenseless as he suddenly felt all his anger vanish. His body seemed empty and the sweet temptation of giving in, forgiving him, swayed him and made him go weak in his knees. But he refused.

As Roman inched closer, attempting to engulf him in a hug with his apologetic yes shallow arms, he backed away and let the thespian grab the air as he turned on his heel to face his prey. Feisty as always.

’‘So be kind, and don’t lose your mind: just remember that I’m your baby!”

Logan shook his head, clenching his fist as the last sentence, the last word in particular drove his rage back, this time more like him and his character. It was calculated and calm, it was direct and queerforward just as he believed his character to be.

“Take me for what I am”. he demanded and Roman started moving around him, twirling lazily around him as he circled the nerd. The red vest hugged his torso as his body danced around the room as if he tried to distract Logan from the issue by showing off his body and qualities. He was a win for Logan.

“Take me for what I am”, he purred as he lifted Logan’s chin despite Roman being about an inch smaller than his usually stoic and composed husband. He graced the pale and cool skin of his face as he stroke the chin with his caramel fingers, movements smoother than pooling honey as the words dripped from his lips like the sweetness that wanted to convince Logan, coax him into moving along to Roman’s pace.

“Who I was meant to be~ And if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me”

Logan’s eyes widened, the calm steel suddenly filled with a darkening realisation as Roman sang the part into his face. Was it just him or did the room suddenly become cold and frozen? He stepped from his husband’s poisonous temptation once more, fighting how much his body seemed to want him,

“A tiger in a cage can never see the sun- This diva needs her stage baby, let’s have fun! You are the one I choose. Folks would kill to fill your shoes. You love the lime light too now, baby. So be mine and don’t waste my time, cryin’ "Oh honey bear are you still my, my, my baby?” “

Roman jumped onto the stage, grabbing a microphone as he started singing. The wedding guests started looking around in confusion, some staring at Logan for an explanation. His family stared at him and he could feel the dreading look in Patton’s concerned eyes that were just as blue as his but in such a different way.

The nerd adjusted his glasses.

This game could be played by two and he was done with Roman putting on solo shows, no matter how nice his affection was. It was time to really stand up to him and not back down with a compromise this time. For the sake of himself, the lawyer needed to be just as professional and persistent as he tended to be in court.

This was his turn now and he would write the rules.

He grabbed a headset from the band and joined his husband on the stage. Maybe this would be their last performance together but that did not count now, it did not matter because right now, Logan was fighting for himself and his validity that he had struggled with all along.

As Patton and Emile had taught him, it was important to put himself first and recognise his emotions as justified and important. He would finally stop backing down on this subject and instead insist.

’'No way, can I be what I’m not. But hey, don’t you want your man hot? Oh, don’t fight, don’t loose your head ‘cause every night who’s in your bed?’

That was it.

Logan clicked his headset’s microphone to ’'on” and stepped to Roman’s field of sight who had previously focused on the audience rather than his own husband he wanted to address in the first place. Was he even talking to him? Roman’s usual grin of self-assurance and superiority tried hard to convince the others of the feelings he was supposed to feel to match his words but Logan was having none of it and he started his part of the discourse.

“It won’t work. I look before I leap, I love margins and discipline. I make list in my sleep, baby~ What’s my sin?”

It was his turn to lean and he made sure to actually reach out to the other as he sung and took Roman’s hands. He let their fingers intertwine and the soft smile of Roman returned, taking over his lips and softening the narrow persistence on his face. Logan moved in, leaning down and dipping the other as he arched his back with perfect precision as if he had measured and exercised this very move for years just to perform it in this context. He saw a pink dust cover Roman’s cheeks, the tanned skin turning a traitorous rosè shade as Logan held him close. Maybe the thespian should value him more, should make amends and actually be grateful for being capable of actually impressing a solemn and stoic mystery such as Logan. It was a fleeting thought but it held on long enough for Roman to admit that he was more serious about their relationship than it seemed.

“Never quit, I follow through”, Logan continued and suddenly Roman was back to his feet but in his mind, he was still swept off by the mesmerising blue storm in his husband’s eyes, by the mix of gentleness and fierceness in these bold yet graceful movement. A twirl made him rotate around his own axis like the earth he was and he ended up  catching his movements by arranging his feet in a stable position on the ground. He had arrived at the end of Logan’s slender arms, their fingers intertwined still but it was the only connection their shared.

“I hate mess but I love you. What do with my impromptu baby?”

Logan’s voice resonated within him and something stirred in him, a familiar but at the same time all too dreaded feeling bubbled up inside of him and as much as he wanted to be back against Logan’s chest, he also wanted to run from him, run for his life and pride because this was all he had.

“So be wise, 'cause this man satisfies”, Logan continued and Roman needed to face that he was still struck in his state of breathlessness after the dance and the sudden bold words. The refreshing change seemed to revitalise his attraction to the usually composed man whose grip was all to keep him in the dream-like state of their .. argument? Right, they were still arguing, somehow.

“You’ve got a prize so don’t compromise: You’re one lucky baby”

Roman nodded carefully, his voice stuck in his voice and his realisation clawing at the back of his throat as every word of explanation died on his tongue and left the bitter after taste of knowing that he had messed up big time and he started understanding why.

Logan’s fingers slipped from him and the nerd stepped back once more, increasing their distance and it felt like a slap to his handsome face as reality pulled him from his thought. His lips were slightly parted but Logan had been more than right with his assumption and this sight was the desired empirical evidence the slender man enjoyed so much.

“Take me for what I am”, Logan demanded, the singing sound of his voice fading as his words slipped into Roman’s blood stream like a deafening numbness that spread within him. It felt like pure anaesthetics and the tingling excitement of Logan’s confidence and his own adoration of it betrayed him.

The prince owed his husband a decision. It was cowardice or courage, fight or flight. It was all he had avoided before.

He regained his composure and straightened his back as he locked their eyes together, his green eyes shining in sincerity. A sudden emotion flashed over him like a quick lightening and it brought Logan’s attention to him as he twisted the ends of his lips into a weak smile before falling back into a helpless expression.

It was now or never.

How would he decide?