#and i have an addictive / obsessive personality where i rely on coping mechanisms instead of therapy or something

[gladiatorcunt]

my icky feelings about drinking

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 430

Hey Tumblr! I thought this info was interesting and wanted to share. More thoughts later.

Codependency

Codependency is defined as the excessive emotional and/or psychological reliance on someone. It is more likely to occur if the person in question is an addict, or if he or she has an illness of some sort.

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

How to Know if You're Really in a Codependent Relationship

(1.) Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?

(2.) Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with them anyway?

(3.) Is the relationship maintained at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?

Symptoms of Codependency

(1.) Low Self-Esteem

Feeling that you're not good enough or comparing yourself to others. Feeling unlovable and inadequate. Hidden feelings of guilt and/or shame. Using perfectionism as a coping mechanism, because when everything is "perfect," you don't feel bad about yourself.

(2.) People-Pleasing

Not having a choice in helping someone else because saying "no" causes anxiety. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people. They care for others while neglecting themselves, often causing exhaustion and even resentment. There's also the worry or fear that not helping someone will either offend them, or hurt their feelings.

(3.) Poor Boundaries

Boundaries are an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what's yours and somebody else's, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts, and needs. Codependents tend to feel responsible for other people's feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Codependents can often have rigid boundaries as well, meaning they are closed off and withdrawn.

(4.) Reactivity

A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone's thoughts and feelings. With boundaries, you'd realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

(5.) Caretaking

Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up on yourself. They keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn't taking their advice.

(6.) Control

Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. For codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don't feel out of control. Codependents also have the potential to be controlling themselves, either in general or through their caretaking or people-pleasing. They can feel a need to utilize manipulation when they "need" the people around them to behave in a certain way.

(7.) Dysfunctional Communication

Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Sometimes, you know, but you won't own up to your truth. You're afraid to be truthful, because you don't want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, "I don't like that," you might pretend that it's okay. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

(8.) Obsessions

Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and their anxiousness. Their fears play a role as well. They can also become obsessed when they think they've made or might make a mistake.

(9.) Denial

One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they're in denial about it, meaning that they don't face their problems. Usually, they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don't know what they're feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people's needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they're self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won't reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy. They may lapse into fantasy to avoid pain by imagining things differently. This ultimately keeps them in their denial state.

(10.) Problems with Intimacy

By this, it is not in reference to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. This is more in reference to being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, a codependent might fear that they'll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, they may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing their autonomy. They might deny their need for closeness and feel that their partner wants too much of their time; their partner complains that they're unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

(11.) Painful Emotions

Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected, abandoned, making mistakes, being a failure, feeling trapped by being close, or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, a codependent can feel numb.

(12.) Dependency

Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They're afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others may always need to be in a relationship because they feel depressed or lonely when they're by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful and/or abusive. They often end up feeling trapped.