#and i have a VERY strong feeling — no actually I’m CERTAIN — that it’s just biphobia repackaged

[slcklekind]

im not arguing this tonight but I’ve noticed there’s one key difference between inclusionists’ idea of what the words “gay” and “lesbian” mean whereas everyone else has something entirely different: us inclus recognize that gay and lesbian can be umbrella terms.

like fuck, queer people say “im so gay” all the times even if they aren’t exactly gay because you understand, in contact, what that’s supposed to mean (“I’m so gay” as in “oh she’s so pretty and I’m attracted to women”.) but i have a partner, a bi woman, who said something along the lines of “im so lesbian” in that EXACT context and people suddenly lost it? at the idea of a bi woman having Lesbian Feelings, explicitly described as such? (side note you know sapphic and lesbian as adjectives are interchangeable, right?)

and it’s not like people don’t use the labels/identities themselves as umbrella terms. example. first we say being a gay man means you’re a man attracted to men — okay, we’ll what about masc-aligned enbies? ok so now it means being attracted to both men AND masc aligned ppl. … now what about nonbinary people who aren’t male or female? ok so now I’m gay for anyone who isn’t a woman. what about nb people who are men AND women? and the list goes on. you’re generally understood if you include trans and non-binary people in your definitions of gay. (and BEFORE you try me- no this isn’t a bad thing. It’s good, that’s my whole point!)

now maybe im just old but i remember a time — not too long ago actually — when you were allowed to use as many labels as you feel comfortable with. I see that shit all the time on here, genderhoarder is a whole label of its own now! so why is it a problem when someone wants to use multiple SEXUALITY labels to describe themself.

i mean i personally don’t think the fellow member of my community who uses pan, bi, and omni to describe themself because they feel comfortable and accurately described with all of them is such a big deal. nor do I see the point in fighting them. i kind of have bigger issues to worry about, like the people who want me dead for being queer.

[yrbutchgf]

so I realised I’m bc not a lesbian a few days ago and it’s been very difficult trying to let go off thinking of myself as butch. I know that I’m the past bi women have used it but I know a lot of lesbians who really don’t like bi women using it and say lesbians should at least have some words to themselves so I figured I’d be better off respecting that

i'm going to be honest with you. if you feel safer not calling yourself butch i can't fault you. i myself am currently closeted to most people IRL about being bisexual. but you should know:

- the terms butch and femme didn't originate in lesbian bar culture; they originated in ballroom culture, where they refer to people of all kinds of genders and sexualities. click here for more information about the origins of butch/femme as well as the use of butch/femme by all lgbt people.

- regardless, plenty of lesbians recognize and honor the place that bi women have and have had in bar culture regardless (see: leslie feinberg). we have been there, continue to be there, will be there tomorrow and and a month and a year and a decade from now.

as always, the feinberg quote:

“And I would say that people who were referred to as drag queens, [sh*m*les], female impersonators, drag kings, diesel [d-slur]s, butches, et cetera, uh… Nowadays we think of them sometimes as just being synonymous with a certain kind of sexuality, but in fact there’s a lot of butch women who sleep with other butches, or who are bisexual, and the same thing is true with feminine men.”

- at the same time, bi butches, femmes and futches have spoken at length and for decades about their struggle with biphobia in the butch/femme and wlw scenes in general. you feeling "better off" minimizing your place in the community isnt a new thing, nor is it your fault. on that note,

- if the people around you hate and deride bi women who call themselves butch and femme, they're likely going to deride bi women for other things as well, because that's how biphobes work. you need better friends.

more than that, the very idea that lesbians' and bi women's experiences are necessarily, always, and completely separate is flawed to begin with. who gains anything from that, in reality? who gains from the belief that lesbians and bi women have only surface level traits in common, that the only thing they share is an attraction to women, that lesbians are alone in their experiences just as bi women are alone in their experiences? nobody. there is nothing we stand to gain or better understand by pushing each other away, nor by tamping down our truths.

nobody's taking anything from anyone by identifying this way or that, that's not how it works. there's no harm or dilution of the terms "butch" or "femme" or "lesbian" that comes from you calling yourself bisexual and butch at the same time. these identities are strong and self-sustaining, and the idea of people using them who have different experiences or different sexualities is not going to destroy them, nor does it preclude butch lesbians and femme lesbians from being lesbians rather than bisexuals. does that make sense? you being what you are isn't some residue that rubs off on your community and makes the members of it or the terms you use somehow impure. it's actually a startlingly beautiful thing to be who you are. it's okay. and you deserve to have people around you who will convince you of that.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey, I've identified as bi for a few years now,but lately I feel very unsure and insecure about my sexuality because most of my crushes have been guys, and the one time I was in love,it was a guy too, but I also have major daddy issues and I get attached to men and idolise them very easily and I sometimes wonder if that's the reason why I feel more strongly about men,any advice how to be more confident in your sexuality and how to know if it's actual attraction or if it's just my daddy issues™? (I'm a girl btw)

This isn’t that easy to answer tbh. I’ve seen people say “real attraction is supposed to feel good” especially in regards to the old “am I bi or a lesbian”-question but that kind of disregards all the bisexual women who have internalised biphobia and struggle with accepting the attraction they feel for men (or other genders, too, for that matter). So, yeah... real attraction should feel good but societal pressure, sexual shame, internalised biphobia and other shit can make it really hard for some people to enjoy the very genuine attraction they feel.

All I can say, which is what I say to any person doubting themselves like that, is that your crush history alone doesn’t define your sexual identity. Identifying as bi is about recognising that you have a potential to be attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t matter how many crushes you’ve had or what experiences you’ve made with which gender(s). At least it doesn’t have to matter. If it feels relevant and important to you then of course you can incorporate those past experiences in your identity-finding process. But you don’t have to. You can also just say “in theory I can see myself being attracted to people of multiple genders” and call it a day bisexuality.

Maybe you have a preference for men. That itself is debatable bc how does one even “measure” a preference like that... and again, it’s something that only you can figure out if you even want to figure it out. You are not obligated to analyse every tiny aspect of your sexuality. Unfortunately m-spec people tend to over-analyse things and we fall into this trap of thinking we have to justify every little nuance in attraction that differs between different genders in order to prove that we really are still bi and worthy of being part of this community (hint: that’s internalised biphobia!). But you can also just not give a fuck. You don’t have to write a thesis about your sexual identity and you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for why you have only had crushes on guys or why you still identify as bisexual or why you changed your label (if that’s what you want to do) or why you have a preference one way or another or how your daddy issues influence your preferences.... nobody is entitled to know any of that.

And let’s say you do have a preference for men (which I wouldn’t know but for the sake of the following let’s assume it for a second) who cares if that preference comes from daddy issues or something else? Also, “daddy issues” isn’t a diagnosis and it can literally mean anything from a completely absent father to an abusive father. You say you tend to “idolise” men and I agree that this can become a problem if those men that you like are all assholes and you end up being blind to that bc of an unhealthy attachment. If that is the case then I recommend therapy to get over those ”””daddy issues””” or... childhood trauma... or whatever it is. If you struggle with that then ask for help from a professional to unpack whatever those “daddy issues” actually are.

If I try to bring this all together then I’d say: you don’t have to find some “meta explanation” for why you are so attracted to men in order to justify that attraction. It can just be what it is and it’s not more or less “valid” if it is influenced by daddy issues. Let me tell you, when I was a teenager I was constantly accused by my peers of having “daddy issues” bc I was attracted to older men. Funny enough, at the time I had a great relationship with my dad (the issues started way later). Deep down I knew that daddy issues weren’t the reason for being into old guys but I still spend my entire adolescence wondering why I’m so fucked up that I can’t find boys my own age attractive. Turns out: there doesn’t have to be a big reason or some trauma or “issues” to explain why someone has a certain kink or type or preference. A lot of the time people’s sexuality is just what it is without any deeper Freudian meaning behind it. And likewise... you might just have strong feelings for men because, well, maybe you are very attracted to them - regardless of any issues with your father or not. You are allowed to be attracted to men and still be bi. You are allowed to be VERY attracted to men and still be bi.

Anyway... whether your attraction to men is real™ or not is for you to decide. You have to look at what you feel and what you want and interprete that in a way that feels right and authentic to you. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but you. And it’s fine if you make a choice to back away from men for a while to sort this out in your head first. It’s also fine to try out other labels if you want to see if any of them feel more accurate than “bisexual”. It’s also fine to keep exploring your attraction to men and keep identifying as bi. It’s all up to you.

Maddie

[vomara]

Another thing that's a pet peeve of mine and connects back to the Avatar fandom, but also just fandoms in general, is that whenever there is a WLW relationship and those women have had previous relationships with male characters, everyone acknowledges and respects them as bi or pan or such queer women. And doesn't disregard them as just lesbians. But whenever it's male characters, they always gotta be just gay regardless of previous relationships with women. As if bi/pan/queer men don't exit.

Why do you think it is that we have that double standard? I myself think it's odviously biphobia and panphobia that play into it, but also misogyny to want to distance the women in those men's lives from them. And also honestly the lack of bisexual and pansexual men in fandoms. Like let's be honest it's almost always anything but MLM men that get involved in these pairings, and if they do it's usually gay men. So bi/pan men go almost entirily ignored. (2/2)

i've noticed that, too, vaguely. personally, i can't talk like CRAZY about biphobia/panphobia against mlm (i'm bisexual and nb) but i'm familiar with the fandom behavior you're talking about. and yes, usually big slash ships like z*ukka are the ones that have like, the least mlm shipping them in proportion to other ships. hm. 🤔 that being said, i don't actually think there's a huge lack of bi/pan men in fandom, or that they're significantly outnumbered by gay men.

when it comes to assignment of sexuality in fandom, there's, for women, a vein of lesbophobia, and for men, a vein of bi/panphobia, as you said. but i don't think there's that much of a lack of bi/pan men headcanons, nor a lack of lesbian headcanons -- just that other headcanons seem louder and more militantly enforced. a good portion of it also has to do with how much a fan likes the character, prefers a certain ship with them, or has rival ships.

when it comes it insanely big ships like z*ukka, for example, there's this rampant headcanon of zuko being gay and sokka being bi amongst the more intense fans. (as in, those fans that near-exclusively ship z*ukka.) z*ukka shippers are fine with sokka being bi because they really don't see sukka as rival ship, and are willing to acknowledge its existence in canon as a result. it doesn't contradict their fanon. (also, there's a tendency with men who are so-called "womanizers" in canon, or just those who have undeniable heterosexual attraction to be labeled bi -- a.k.a. sokka.) zuko, on the other hand... z*ukka shippers tend to very strongly headcanon him gay unless they ship him with a girl or in a throuple. why? because they have a MASSIVE rival fanon ship -- z*utara. and people who prescribe to z*utara have their own elaborate fanon that often directly opposes z*ukka fanon. so headcanoning him as gay and becoming aggressive about that particular headcanon ("if you headcanon him any other way, you're being cisheteronormative!" shit like that) allows them to both feel like they have moral high ground over the het rival ship, and have moral ammo if they want to start a ship war with them. it's... really dumb, but it's really common in many fandoms with aggressive rival ships.

when it comes to female characters, sexuality headcanons also are somewhat concordant with what rival ships are in the fandom. another atla fandom example: the recent growing prominence of mai*lee. i like the pairing, but for intense z*ukka shippers, it's simply a good way to get maiko out of view. so headcanoning those girls as bi... works for them. but there's a very strong element of preference when it comes to girls, because many ships involving them tend to have less steam than the big slash ships that dominate fandom. women are, simply put, not as liked as men. (misogyny!) in that aspect, they tend not to be a focus of fandom and fanon. those people who ship things like z*ukka focus so exclusively on the z*ukka part that when they look at, say, katara, they don't actually have strong shipping preferences. they just throw her with aang, or maybe azula, or suki, or somebody to get her out of the way. and because there's a large plurality of shipping amongst the females within the dominating fanon interpretation (in this example, z*ukka), most of those shippers tend to just let their female characters be bi.

personally, idgaf whatever people want to headcanon these characters, though i'm opposed to their sometimes militant way of enforcing these headcanons. for me, sexuality is a weird amorphous blob that exists in a constant state of motion and reflection between the internal and external self. everyone in my headcanons are ambiguously bi unless i want to explore otherwise. [shrugs]

[portraitofadumbassonfire]

On Biphobia

I’m an empathetic person, there’s good & bad things that come with it. When it comes to why people (especially those in the LGBTQ+ community) are biphobic, I think there are different factors to why they are other than plain ignorance. 

Those factors? Jealousy, Insecurity, & “Passing”  

Dating and finding love is difficult  but being in the queer community dating is an uphill battle, and it’s even harder for those who identify as bisexual. I identify as gay so I know how strong the loneliness can get, I also know how strong the jealousy can get as well. (I can be the jealous type i will admit) A lot of biphobes say they don’t want to date someone who is bisexual because they think they’ll cheat, despite the fact that there are a LOT of gays who cheat pretty much for fun, they feel like they will have to compete with the rest of the world if they like someone who is bisexual because their dating pool is bigger and they’ve probably dealt with people who have played games with their emotions while at the same time making a bad name for actual bi people. But the thing is....from what I’ve from many bisexuals, dating isn’t easier, some don’t even disclose their sexuality or just say they’re gay so they don’t have to explain themselves because I’m sure at this point they’re tired of having doing that.

That jealousy bleeds into the argument that Bi people whom are with someone of the opposite sex can pass as straight in public much easier than the rest of the community. Personally....I feel like Bi people can, but that’s only when they’re around straight people, when they come to their own community where they SHOULD feel safe and yet... here they are being ostracized by people who they thought would be more accepting of their sexuality, because yes they can blend in easier but that doesn’t mean straight people can’t be biphobic. (And i’m gonna go on a small tangent and say y’all kill me with this “gold star” shit, we’re not in a fucking kindergarten class) 

I will admit, I have been that kind of person and will slip up sometimes, I can be jealous and selfish when I like a guy and pretty much just want him to pay attention to me only (Ik i sound insane), but I have to remind myself of what I dealt with eternally with figuring out my sexuality (even as a virgin) and how I HATED having it be invalidated or even judged for not being “gay enough” because I’ve never been with a woman, so how can I know I’m gay? I DON’T HAVE THE DESIRE FOR WOMEN SEXUALLY that’s how I know. No one, especially in the queer community likes to have their sexuality or their gender to judged by someone else’s standards, I know i don’t like that, why should I do that to someone else, especially someone form my own community?

On insecurity.... I’m gonna on another tangent but it’s related to insecurity(This is gonna sound pathetic) I’m a big Harry Styles fan (yeah no shit) and I’ve loved how over the past few years he’s been expressing his sexuality, but being in his fanbase, or even being in the 1D fanbase can poke at my insecurity at times, it’s not really anyone’s fault, it’s just how I feel about it. Most of H’s fanbase is consistent of str8 girls/bi girls/and lesbians, which is not a negative thing, but as a gay man, I can feel like a fish out of water at times. It kind of goes back to why I previously thought I’d never fawn over a boyband member because I thought “I’m not gonna play with my own emotions like that” I’d see millions of female fans lose their minds over these guys and some of them hope they have a chance to date any of them, I thought if I joined in on their fawning, I’d look and feel stupid because none of us would have a chance with them and if we did, I’d have a MUCH lesser chance than they did, so I vowed I’d never lose my mind over a boyband member. That’s until I found out about a certain green-eyed MF and the rest is history. It’s part of why I’ve been secretly dreading his upcoming music video after seeing the filming of it because it reminds me all too much of that insecurity; That I have no chance at all with the men I’m attracted to. (Not to mention the song where it’s suggested he’s talking about sucking dick is unreleased and only sung on tour, yet the song that’s suggestively about eating pussy is a single and has a music video) I know that’s a very negative thing to think about, but it’s something that’s been stuck in the back of my head for years and I know there are other gay male fans of Harry but let’s be real the last time I’ve seen some acknowledgement was that gay vodka moment & the “yes daddy I will” moment (A black gay male fan yelled that at him and he repeated it and I saw so many pretend as if he wasn’t responding to a guyor straight up say a female fan said that even though there is video footage of the dude saying it) I’m not gonna get on the topic of H’s fans who disregard his attraction to men, I’ll be here all day unsurprisingly the queer fans are the ones whom I’ve seen call out that bullshit. That’s my own personal insecurity, but I know I’m not the only one who feels or has felt that way. That’s at least one place, I’m sure some people’s biphobia stems from, personal insecurity.

I think a lot of biphobia comes from ignorance, but I think it also comes from hurt or the fear of being hurt even more. I can understand that fear all too well,  I’ve been hurt by other people, not romantically (yet) and honestly I have and feel that fear strongly, but so do Bi people, we’re all humans with emotions that don’t have an off switch, and I also know that being oppressive toward someone else in an already oppressed community won’t help in any way, no matter how much you convince yourself it can. I know i’m not saying anything brand new or ground-breaking I just felt like airing that out.

I hope I don’t cussed out for this post.

[simplythebestbug]

Day 2: Convention AU (Felinette)

AO3

@auyeahaugust

(Note: In this AU, Marinette and Félix are not heroes. In fact, The Heroes of Paris is just a large multimedia experience- there isn’t a real LB, etc.)

Félix sighed, straightening his bow tie. He stood outside the convention, already regretting the decision to come. He was dressed in a Marinette-brand Ladybug themed suit, and he was unhappy. Not with the suit, of course, it was practically flawless, as was everything she made. No, he was unhappy that he had been coerced into attending a ‘hero con.’ 

It was Marinette who found out about it, her parents catering the event, and Claude who had insisted they all attend. Félix was all too happy to decline the invitation… but then Marinette started talking about her Ladybug suit designs, and how they would be just perfect for him, and she looked so excited, and- well, he wasn’t a monster. 

Claude and Allegra were approaching, and when Claude spotted him, he broke into a sprint, “Fé! Baby!” He struck a pose, “I’m looking pretty foxy, don’t you think?”

Félix looked him up and down critically. He was wearing a Rena Rouge themed magical girl dress, with an abundance of ruffles and six inch wedge heels- how did he run in those? It was quite an outstanding dress (Marinette’s talent guaranteed that).

Claude was grinning, “Sexy, right?”

Félix raised an eyebrow, “Indubitably.”

“See, Queenie? I told you! I’m hot as hell!” Claude said, shooting Félix a wink.

“Yeah, yeah,” Allegra laughed, “Fé, what do you think of the outfits? Your girlfriend is pretty talented.”

He glared at her. The Queen Bee suit was impressive, and Félix could freely admit that. After all, it would be wrong not to compliment such beautiful craftsmanship. He was, however, growing unbelievably tired of Allegra’s not-so-subtle prodding of him towards a romantic relationship with Marinette. The nature of their connection was between him and her alone, and if there were to be a change of any kind, it would be a mutual decision on both of their parts. Allegra- and to the same extent, the rest of their friends- had no business interfering.

She poked his nose, ignoring when he recoiled, “Relax, darling, I’m just joking.”

“Don’t worry, Félix, buddy! I gotcha!” A green blur dashed in front of him, holding up a shield, “Shelter!”

“Allan! Rude!” Allegra pouted.

“I will not allow you to torment this civilian!”

“He’s not a civilian, he’s Ladybug! He can take it!”

Allan narrowed his eyes, “That’s just what an akuma would say.”

They broke down into laughter, meanwhile, Claude was eyeing the shield.

“You got your signature weapon? Lucky! Why didn’t we get weapons?”

“Oh, we did,” Allegra pulled out her spinning top.

“Well, Fé and I didn’t-” Félix gestured to the yo-yo strapped to his hip.

“What? I’m the only one without a weapon?”

Allegra shrugged, “Sorry, darling.”

“I bet Mari knew better than to give you a flute-sword-combo thing,” Allan shuddered dramatically, “You would have wreaked havoc!”

“Exactly!” Claude groaned, “This is biphobia at its finest.”

“Speaking of Mari,” Allegra began, looking around, “Where is that girl?”

“I’m here! I’m here!” Marinette yelled, rushing over to them. At the last step she tripped, falling right into Félix’s arms. 

He chuckled, “Hi, Nette.”

She stared up at him, blood rushing to her cheeks.

She was beautiful, in a sleeveless black dress with green accents, a staff strapped to her back. She was wearing fingerless gloves, her nails filed to emulate claws, and her muscles were on full display. Félix knew Marinette was strong, but he was convinced that actually seeing her biceps was almost a religious experience. The only thing more attractive than her arms, were her eyes.

Allan cleared his throat, “Are you two done staring at each other?”

Félix flushed, setting Marinette safely on the ground. He was glad she had opted out of heels.

Her eyes flitted away, “You look nice, Fé.”

His eyes widened.

“Not like, nice-nice!” She spluttered, “Just- you look good! I look good on you- no, I mean, I compliment you nicely! No! My designs compliment you nicely! Not that you don’t look good without my designs! You’d look good without anything- no I just mean that you always look good and-”

Allegra laughed, placing her hands on her shoulders, “Mari, deep breathe. In. Out. There you go.”

She smiled, nodding, “Do you all like your designs? You look amazing!”

“We love them!” Allan said.

“Same here, Mari! They’re gorgeous!”

“I’m the magical girl I’ve always wanted to be,” Claude said, eyes welling up.

“Oh my god,” Marinette gasped, “Claude, are you crying?!”

He wiped away a tear, “I’m just so pretty!”

Allegra leaned up to plant a kiss on his cheek, “Yes, you are, darling.”

“Totally, bro!” Allan said, patting his back.

“You know who else is pretty?” Allegra said, “Marinette. Isn’t that right, guys?”

Félix was a fan of words, and yet knew of none that properly described Marinette. Pretty wasn’t nearly strong enough, but he supposed it would have to suffice. He had yet to tear his eyes away from the girl. He had known that he was to come as Ladybug, and her as Chat Noir, but it wasn’t until now that he fully understood the feeling of being cast as her other half- even in a fictional scenario. 

“What do you think, Félix?” Allegra asked with a sly grin.

“I- uhm. What was that?”

She blinked innocently,“Do you think Marinette is pretty?”

“Well, I- I mean, if you think- well, if by which you mean- I don’t really- um.”

“It’s ok, Fé,” Marinette rubbed her arm, looking away, “You don’t have to answer that.”

He froze. No. She didn’t think- no. He had to fix this, “No! I- that’s not what I mean, I,” He took a deep breath, swallowing his nerves along with his pride. He could do this. He straightened his shoulders, and said, “I think you look absolutely purrrrrfect.”

Allegra broke into a wide grin, and Allan was staring at him in shock.

“Did he- Did he just pun?!” Claude asked, “I’ve been trying to get him to pun for years! Years!”

If Félix hadn’t been so very preoccupied with the exact shade of pink currently occupying Marinette’s cheeks, he might have found it in himself to glare at them. As it was, however, he was far too busy staring in awe, as he watched the emotions racing across her face.

First, shock. Then, flattery, glee, and a giddy smile. Then- cunning? What was she- oh no.

She slunk towards him, brushing a thumb along his cheekbone, murmuring, “I am but a single star in the night sky, when compared to the beauty of you, m’lady.”

Félix couldn’t move.

She traced her fingers along his arm, pulling his hand to her lips, and pressed a single kiss to his knuckles.

He was almost certain that the entire universe had shifted to put her at its center, for he could not imagine anything of more importance than the smile she graced him with. He could not imagine anything at all, for that matter. At the moment, it was only her, and it was only him.

That was, until, Claude clapped his hands with a request for snacks.

Marinette broke away to show him to her parents booth.

Allan patted him on the shoulder, “Might want to close your mouth, dude,” Before trailing after his friends.

Félix snapped his jaw closed, his face heating up as he attempted to process the last minute.

“Félix, darling, you’re blushing up a storm!” Allegra said, laughing.

He was still staring fixedly at the spot where Marinette used to be.

She smiled, starting to walk away, “Come along, lover boy. You know Chat Noir doesn’t want to be away from her Ladybug for too long!”

Try as he might, he could not find it within himself to scowl at her- or anyone else, for that matter, for the remainder of the day.

[flying-elliska]

Have you ever got that feeling that being bisexual is like having a double life? Like you can enjoy straight things and culture but you can also enjoy from the LGBTQ+ community. Sometimes I feel like a double agent and I feel privileged in the community because there is the possibility of not being judged if I decide to date someone who has a different sexual orientation than me. I feel like I’ve been too brainwashed after reading how bisexuality is being “half straight half gay”

It’s like living in a gray zone where you feel like you have to play for either team, but you don’t identify with either of them. And I was reading some discurse in radical lesbian pages that say that we only bring trouble by bringing men into the LGBTQ+ community. It really got to me and now I question what is my position there. Sorry if I bother you with these questions, but you’re the one I’ve seen that can tackle these kind of issues sensibly.

Hey, don’t worry anon you’re not bothering me, thanks for trusting me with these sort of issues.

Bisexuality is its own sexuality and it is fully valid on its own and part of the LGBTQ community on its own, no matter who your long term partner is. You don’t have to pick a side. LGBTQ culture is yours, as much as you want it to be. Bi people have been there at its onset and still are - for instance, the woman who organized the first Pride march, Brenda Howard, was a bisexual rights activist ! Of course, there is a small but vocal minority of the community that derives their clout from wanting to exclude others (be it bi, trans, ace people…) who are not up to their purity standards. To me, this vision of community as a small set of resources to be hoarded and defended from those who are not oppressed/deserving enough is extremely damaging (and ultimately plays into the hands of conservative ppl who hate us all but love seeing us tear each other apart.) Honestly I would stay away from radical feminism shit if I were you, that stuff can be extremely toxic for bi women (and plays into super crappy essentialist visions of gender). You are not ‘bringing men into the LGBT+ community’ anyway (lol there are already plenty of men there ! trans men ! bi men ! gay men !) and even if your partner is a straight dude, I think as long as he knows how to be respectful, there is nothing wrong with that. You’re not straight, your relationship isn’t straight. The mentality of ‘us vs the rest of the world’ is often, I think, born out of trauma, and there is a lot of that to go around, but some people choose to take it out on other people instead of choosing healing. Also this idea that men are necessarily horrible dangerous people ‘polluting with their presence’ is just...bad on so many levels (women can be terrible too lmao). Having women centric spaces can be helpful and great for certain things, but the LGBTQ community should be more expansive than that. I mean - if you go that way, there are trans people with opposite sex partners too, should they not bring them to Pride either ? It’s a very slippery slope there, and it goes down to a garbage chute where we start overanalyzing each other and our sexual behaviors that starts to resemble a 19th century Puritan village which is...completely nuts, for real. 

 My perspective is that the more we grow as a community, the more people realize that they might not have been as straight as they think they are, the more powerful we are. You are not taking anything away from anyone or anything, you’re not polluting or invading. Your story and earnestness in love are an asset to the community. This diversity is what makes us strong and beautiful. Of course, we might be joined by people whose same sex attraction is rare, people who earlier in human history might have been closeted, even to themselves their whole lives. But this freer society is giving them the opportunity to be honest about the full extent of their capacity to love, and I think that’s beautiful. This need to draw lines can be so toxic for questioning people, too. Human sexuality is often a fuzzy, fluid, complicated thing, for a lot more people than we are willing to admit. 

Besides, axes of oppression don’t only work along sexuality lines. It’s much more complex than that. And even if yes, things might be easier for you in certain respects if you are in a ‘straight passing’ relationship, and it is important to recognize that ; if you have to dismiss your sexuality, if you’re not able to be open and are pressured into sweeping a whole part of your identity under the rug, if you’re not taken seriously and excluded from a community that is important to you, then that can cause a lot of damage and mental health issues. Being bisexual is a specific LGBTQ experience which comports challenges of its own ; the insecurity and pressure to ‘choose’ is part of the burden. Not having the exact same experiences as a lesbian doesn’t make you ‘less valid’. One sign of that is that bi people are a lot less likely to be out and a lot more likely to have mental health issues, and I very much think those two are linked. 

Anyway, if i have to give any advice - some parts of the LGBTQ community are shitty, esp those who play the ‘you must be this oppressed to ride’ game. But there are also some that can be wonderful. If you have the opportunity, it could be a really empowering experience to get in touch with your local, specifically bi community (it was for me), read bi focused books or stories of other people ; to help you grow your own sense of confidence in your own sexuality. My hope is that in the future, as bisexuality is represented more fully in the media and more bi people are open and further generations grow without those toxic ‘either/or’ mindsets, this damaging feeling of being double agents/having to pick a side will fade. And that we have a more distinct sense of bi pride/culture etc without being continually erased or seen as gay/straight by default. 

At the same time, of course…I think it’s very much part of the human experience to navigate between social environments where the microcultures and codes are different. You don’t behave similarly with your parents and your friends, I’m sure, or at school or a party, but neither of these things are dishonest ! So there is nothing wrong with behaving a little differently when you’re surrounded by queer friends and making references to a specific culture. You’re not dishonest and you’re not in hiding, it’s just a different part of you that is coming to the front. And you can bring your own bisexual self and experiences to LGBTQ spaces, as well, to make it richer and more diverse. If you can’t…that’s a bad sign. 

And finally…living in a ‘grey zone’, a more liminal space, can be a wonderful thing in itself ! It’s sort of amazing to be able to be attracted to people no matter what their gender is, don’t you think ? Or to be attracted to different genders in different ways ? I actually think it’s really fucking cool to be bisexual. Despite the stigma and the headache it is, often, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It can be such an exhilarating experience realizing you don’t have to reproduce heteronormative patterns in your life, that you can find similar things attractive across genders, or not at all… I just find it so interesting and so freeing. Especially since as women we are given such a narrow view of what we are supposed to find attractive and how to be attractive and how to do relationships. And to me being bi just helped blow that shit up sky wide. And it allows us to stand in solidarity with other minorities who are not always given their space in LGBTQ spaces. Honestly, the few bi spaces I’ve been in were so much more open, making efforts to be accomodating to people with disabilities issues, were so much more diverse in terms of gender/class/race/culture/body type etc…I’m not saying all bi spaces are inherently superior but I feel like bi people, at least those i’ve met, are often more prone to think about those questions and it’s been absolutely delightful. Because we understand what it’s like to stand at an intersection and not feel entirely part of something, and so we want to foster spaces where people can be themselves in all their myriad identities, and that this feeling of ‘being at a crossroads’ can be so rich and beautiful. 

 I hope you can find that same sense of pride and certainty in yourself. Of course, it’s not always going to be easy, and I understand these doubts. You are definitely not alone with them. I mean, we say we don’t have to choose, but we do have to make choices in where to look for partners, for instance. I hope you can listen to your desires without crowding them out with pressure from outside, and follow your heart where it leads you. 

[reaching-for-roses]

Alright tumblr, I'm doin' the thing.

I know this blog is supposed to be focusing on the Theoi and my beliefs as a Hellenic Polytheist but I'm gonna get personal here for a sec. In the spirit of real self care and being true to myself and taking some steps in my personal journey, I have something to say. Not because I feel like I have to, or for the attention, or because I feel left out. But for myself, as a first step towards being more honest about my feelings and my identity and for Aphrodite, who is constantly pushing me to be the best, most truthful version of myself. And maybe, other people who feel the same way will see this and know that they are not alone, and it is okay to feel the way that they do.

This is something that has been on my mind for a long time, but especially since I joined tumblr, probably because the people I choose to follow, and those who follow me are all very inclusive, welcoming and beautiful, like-minded people. There is a lot more LGBTQIA+ visibility here than there is in my home town. In other words, I feel more comfortable doing this here first than doing this publicly in my own offline life.

So.. here goes nothing...

This is my coming out post.

From a young age I have felt attracted to both men and women. Mostly that was a super secret sexual attraction to women, and both a sexual and romantic attraction to men. I only ever dated men because I just couldn't see myself dating a woman. I would have all sorts of fantasies about it, but couldn't see myself actually putting it into practice. It just didn't seem realistic for me.

Around puberty when I was really discovering these feelings I kept them quiet because at the time I lived with my aunt and uncle who had guardianship over me. They are super religious "Christians" and homophobic and were constantly making their disgusting opinions known and just generally being bad examples of true loving Christianity. I didn't subscribe to these same ideals but I have always been a sensitive person who cares deeply about what others think about me and how I am perceived.

Although I didn't live with my mom and dad (who are separated), I did get to see them fairly often. They are a lot more openminded, but still cannot see past certain things. I have wonderful relationships with both of them, and feel like I could tell them anything but they have such strong opinions of me and the way I am that I'm not sure they would be able to see me in this new light. I know they are accepting of differences, and have taught me to be so as well but sometimes the prejudices of their generation still peek through. To use my mom as an example, I have heard her say things like, "I just don't understand people that swing both ways. Are you gay or not, just pick a side! I feel like it's just kinda slutty." And yet, when she met my trans friend (who is dating my best friend) she was very careful not to misgender her and couldn't stop talking about how much she just adored her and how pretty she is, and how glad she is for my best friend to be in such a happy relationship. It seems to me like she just has a lot to learn and could probably be educated but comments like the one I mentioned, coupled with my aunt and uncles homophobia, really shut down any thoughts of being more open about my sexuality when I was younger. As for my dad, he wasn't exactly supportive but more "eh whatever" when my step-sis came out as lesbian. Sometimes he can also make some (unintentionally, I think) hurtful jokes about LGBTQIA+ folks. So I'm really not sure what his stance is on the whole thing, or how he would feel if I came out to him.

I was the first person my best friend came out to. I tried my best to be incredibly supportive and become an ally for her. I had a lot to learn (and still do, as the community is always evolving) but I knew I had to be there for her, and anyone else who felt like they didn't have support. Somehow this just never translated into letting myself be true to who I was.

Over time and through many relationships, I would jokingly throw out comments about how I would sleep with a girl if I ever got the chance but I just couldn't date one. I actually said that. Looking back on it now makes me cringe. Deep down I didn't really feel that way. I knew I had the capacity to love a woman, I was just too ashamed to say so. How could I be so supportive with my best friend, and not be there for myself? Not allow myself to feel what I really felt?

As I've gotten older I started to realize that this attraction to women wasn't going away, it wasn't a phase or just an "aesthetic appreciation for beauty". But I am still just as attracted to men, if not more so than women. I also realized, as I learned more about gender that there are many different gender identities and I could have the capacity to love anyone. So I started to feel like there was something there, but I didn't necessarily want to be labeled for it. Who was I to join this group of people who had been harrassed and bullied and abused for their sexuality when I could so easily pass for straight? So I continued on not telling anyone about it and calling myself heterosexual.

Now, as I speak, I am still in a long term relationship with a guy (marriage has even been considered) and I love him very much. It is odd coming to these conclusions while dating a man, and never having had a relationship or anything to speak of with a woman or anyone other than cishet men. Coming to the community at a time when there is so much discourse about bi-erasure and biphobia feels confusing and stressful to say the least. But after some deep soul searching I have realized that these feelings I have are real. My lack of experience doesn't matter, because I still know my body, my mind, and my heart. Being in a relationship with a cis man doesn't matter because I know now that I have the capacity to love someone of the same gender as me and those of a gender other than my own. I realize now that internalized biphobia and compulsory heterosexuality is what I have been experiencing and what kept me from admitting that I could also love and date someone of the same sex. That's not to say that I have won the war just yet, fighting my own anxieties is a daily battle. But I am going to make an effort now to remember that I am valid, no matter who I am dating and no matter how anyone makes me feel and if someone can't give me their love and support then that's just their problem!

I am bisexual. I am valid. I am proud.

[borispav]

you mentioned it in one of your previous replies so now I'm curious: we talk a lot about how Theo represses his sexuality as hell, but what about Boris? how do you think he feels about his (obvious) bisexuality? because I have the feeling he falls into a sort of personal biphobia: he has no problem whatsoever with queer people (Hobie, Sasha, he's a lot chiller than Theo regarding the subject) but when it comes to himself it's like he's suddenly scared to be associated with that kind of sexuality

Yes, I completely agree with the biphobia comment, I do think he represses his bisexuality a bit, it’s just not as blatant or severe as, say, Theo’s internalized homophobia. While Theo is very clear and conscious of the fact that homosexuality is something he doesn’t want to be associated with (we can see this in all the times he explicitly writes off everything he did with Boris as “nothing” as well as in his blatant fear of things and people that would be considered gay or effeminate), Boris is far more subtle and—in my opinion—unaware of it. On the surface he, of course, seems unbothered, as you said. He tells Theo that it doesn���t matter if Hobie was an “old poofter” or not, and he was also never afraid to physically express his attraction and love. He took the initiative during most of those cases—spooning Theo first, kissing him first etc.— which leads me to believe he has no issues with physical affection, however “gay” that affection may seem. It doesn’t matter to him, whether he’s kissing a guy or a girl, because I think he just perceives it as gratifying a natural sexual attraction, and to him gender has no place or consequence in that.

The repression, I believe, comes into play when considering emotions. After all, you can separate attraction from actual love or affection etc., those two things (while often paired together) do almost reside in completely different realms. My theory is that Boris subconsciously felt the need to reel himself in a bit once his feelings for Theo (not just his attraction) began to really materialize and gain weight. I don’t believe this is something he would have ever actively chosen to do, just something that happened of its own accord, without him really realizing. I think the thought of actually, genuinely, loving someone was terrifying enough to him, let alone loving a member of the same sex. For as incredibly progressive and all inclusive Boris (for the most part) is— there are some things that are just ingrained in the psyche, things that take root in childhood and never really dissipate without proper addressing. I’m sure Boris was exposed to homophobia throughout his youth (undoubtedly made worse by his father), so even if he didn’t have any qualms with the overall concept of homosexuality/bisexuality, I do think that the core issue is as you mentioned: bi is just not something he can reconcile himself as being. It’s fine from a certain distance, fine in his friends, coworkers, the people he loves, but when it comes to himself—he just doesn’t really know what to do with that bit of info.

But anyway, the why/how of his biphobia doesn’t matter so much as the knowledge that it is indeed existent within him, and that it does hinder his relationship with Theo. I mean, why do you think he is able to tell just about everyone else that he loves them (people who he sometimes doesn’t even know that well and/or hasn’t spent much time with), and yet can’t tell Theo (the one person it’s obvious he cares the most about) the same? He’s so verbal when it comes to everyone and everything except for Theo, there’s an evident block there, something pulling him back from going all the way. And it’s only the “I love you” that he can’t say, because he has no problem addressing the fact that they did sexual things (he’s even the one to bring it up when they’re adults), but he just can’t openly acknowledge that they had romantic feelings for each other, that what he felt was something more than a physical need. He’s afraid of the finality that would come with an open admission like that; I don’t think he’s ready to perceive himself as bi, and so the consequences of talking about actual love are just too weighty and risky to him. So instead he deflects, he does a good job of pretending like he’s indifferent, like Theo’s the only one that was in too deep. In fact, he explicitly says to Theo “I think maybe you thought it was something else” (in reference to their sex), as in: you’re the one that feels this way, not me. You’re the gay/bi one, not me. He says this even though he was the one to bring the topic up in the first place.

I do also think it was biphobia, and the subconscious need for heteronormativity, that shaped his relationship with Kotku. I read it as Boris’ attempt at running away, distancing himself from something he was beginning to sense was dangerous. The intense interdependency growing between him and Theo was just too much for him, too strong and unknown. He probably felt rooted, too tied up in one person—which is something we know he’s not used to and is therefore somewhat afraid of (remember, his entire childhood was plagued with losing people and having to say goodbye). This is why I think he threw himself so deeply (and quickly) into the fling with Kotku. It was a very rushed and fervent thing, an emergency distraction he had to craft for himself. Spending time with her, instead of Theo, became an obsession within itself, which is really telling.

But yes, in short, there’s more than enough evidence to tell us he harbors a certain amount of biphobia, and does repress his bisexuality. Again, I don’t think it’s something he is aware of, or would actively choose, but it’s there nonetheless and shapes quite a bit of his actions.

[nonbinarysasquatch]

An Argument for Rebecca Bunch’s Bisexuality:

So first things first: it should be clear that this post isn’t exploring whether Rebecca is intended to be seen as bi. It’s clear from Rachel and Aline’s comments, and Rebecca saying that she has certain bi tendencies in season 3 are just an exploration of sexual fluidity that Rebecca is not intended to be bi.

It’s also clear that a lot of the things related to Rebecca’s seeming queerness come from Rachel Bloom and I also want to be clear that this isn’t commenting on Rachel Bloom herself as she’s a real person and her business is her business.

This is purely examining why Rebecca can be read as being bi when only looking at the show itself.

In an interesting way, I think Rebecca seems the closest to the experiences of myself and other bi people I’ve known out all the characters. The other queer characters on the show largely eschew stereotypes, but if we ignore authorial intent, in a funny way Rebecca seems most the stereotypical in terms of a queer narrative. She seems a lot like a closeted bi woman who hasn’t broken through her own internalized biphobia.

The hints that Rebecca could be bi begin very early on, particularly in the first episode when she goes to the strip club to look for Josh. Rebecca is sitting right in front of a dancer (in the original pilot she apparently stuck her face in the dancer’s bare chest) and only vaguely seeming to look for Josh. Now, this could be read as Rebecca being in denial (as we know she is) but still… it’s a weird thing to do if you’re a straight woman. But admittedly, this is not out of character for Rebecca.

In the second episode, we are introduced to Josh’s girlfriend, Valencia Perez, who herself is confirmed to be a WLW in season 3. Rebecca, still very much in denial about her feelings for Josh, tries to befriend Valencia, inadvertently becoming the first woman Valencia has ever been able to be close to (and possibly helping to awaken her own queerness.)

Rebecca is clearly jealous of Valencia but also seems to genuinely like her and be attracted to her (keeping in mind “Feelin’ Kinda Naughty” was originally “I Want to Fuck You With My Jealousy Dick” before the show moved to the CW.) And obviously, Rebecca tries to make out with Valencia and is swiftly rebuffed (again, by a woman who herself will later realise her own attraction to women.)

Why does Rebecca do it? She wasn’t doing it to impress Josh, he was clearly uncomfortable with Rebecca and Valencia having anything to do with each other. Valencia wasn’t giving her any signs. And wanting to make out with someone isn’t a typical expression of jealousy. The simplest explanation is that Rebecca misread Valencia’s actions as evidence of attraction, and being impulsive and having boundary issues, Rebecca acted on it, probably with little thought to why she was doing it.

There’s not much for the rest of season 1. Rebecca spends most of season 1 dealing with her feelings for Josh and Greg. The big thing I would talk about though with season 1 is the ways that Rebecca and Darryl are paralleled (something deliberate on the part of the writers.) Both are lonely characters with identity problems. When it comes to loneliness, Darryl and Rebecca do act in similar ways, hatching schemes and even being in denial about their own stalking behaviour. Both can be inappropriate in their efforts to deal with their loneliness.

As far as identity issues goes, when faced with who she really is inside, Rebecca buries it (in season 2 outright expressing disgust for who she really is inside.) Darryl, on the other hand, quickly adapts to realising he’s bi, even proudly announcing it to his employees at work.

The show does other things to parallel Darryl and Rebecca. For instance, they both fall for men named Josh. Darryl even gets Rebecca’s heart flutter theme when he and WhiJo first kiss, something that is otherwise exclusively used for Josh Chan (until “Getting Over Jeff” when it’s used for Paula and Jeff.)

Another interesting level is that Maya is a character that mirrors Darryl. She is also bi and Darryl initially bullies her because she reminds him of himself, especially the parts of himself he doesn’t like.

In the first episode of season 2, one of Rebecca’s most bi moments happens and much like her kissing Valencia in season 1, it makes so little sense if she’s intended to be straight. I am naturally referring to her attempting to seduce Paula, literally feeling up Paula’s crotch with her foot, not even realising she was doing it. Then, having successfully convinced Paula to help her find Greg, Rebecca is clearly turned on by Paula’s hacking. Why? There’s no context for any of this ever given.

It’s not like Rebecca is super horny all episode long or something. Contrarily she has recently been having sex with Josh. It’s not as if there was some subplot about her being sex starved. Rebecca just inexplicably tries to seduce Paula, then gets horny from Paula’s actions and it’s not set up or brought up again.

Several episodes later, Rebecca tries to re-initiate her friendship with Valencia, erm, kidnapping her and taking her to Electric Mesa. Rebecca and Valencia take drugs (accidentally) and bond over both having gotten burned by Josh Chan. They pee on Josh’s equipment and Rebecca expresses excitement over the best part of the experience being that she and Valencia saw each other’s vaginas. And of course, in the tag we see Valencia, ask to see Rebecca’s vagina again. Valencia, who will later end up in a relationship with a woman…

Two episodes later and Rebecca and Valencia are still bonding, Valencia for the first time partaking in criminal shenanigans. Rebecca, apropos of nothing pretends she and Valencia are lesbians who are house shopping, even though no one is actually even around. It should be noted that at the end of the episode, Valencia decides she needs to get laid, picking up a guy at the bar, disappointing Rebecca. Valencia at this time obviously hasn’t embraced her queerness (in fact that’s something that we never really get to see, since it happens in the time jump.)

The rest of season 2, mostly has Rebecca dealing with Josh and Nathaniel, but there is a tiny beat in the video for “So Maternal” when Rebecca imagines two grown women breastfeeding from her. Objectively, this an odd thing for a straight woman to imagine herself doing.

Season 3 is possibly a bit lighter on these Rebecca moments of apparent bisexuality. I’m admittedly in the middle of my current rewatch so I only have notes for the first half of season 3 to look at it.

But obviously, the show for the first time directly acknowledges Rebecca’s apparently bi-curiosity, when Stacy misunderstands, thinking that Rebecca is bi and possibly seducing her. Rebecca denies that she’s bi but backtracks a little and clarifies that she does have certain bi tendencies, saying she’s a 1.8 on the Kinsey Scale. Now obviously, the Kinsey Scale is a very, very outdated model, but even taking the model as it is and looking at Rebecca’s behaviour, a 1.8 seems a bit low.

A point of interest is obviously Valencia ending up in a relationship with another woman. It’s impossible to look at Valencia’s queer narrative and not talk about Rebecca. Rebecca was the first woman she has ever loved. The show makes it abundantly clear how much Rebecca means to Valencia, not only via her outburst in “Josh is Irrelevant” but simply in the number of times Valencia forgives Rebecca. Rebecca has given Valencia every reason to give up on her but Valencia cares enough to remain her friend.

Rebecca is a part of Valencia’s queer narrative. That much is incontrovertible.

The final point I would make about Rebecca really relates to what it can be like to come to your bisexuality (or any sexuality really.) In general, even now, we still live in a culture that is very homophobic and particularly biphobic (which are related things, but biphobia has threads in both other queer people and straight people as well.)

I didn’t wake up one day and realise I was a bi. There was some denial and personal dismissal. I was a teenager in the 90s and back then most people didn’t think of bisexuality as a real thing. So when you are confused because you feel this other thing but are afraid of it because what if it means everything you know is wrong… it’s weird. And it’s easy to dismiss it.

Personally, I was in a relationship for most of my 20s that kept my sexuality (and gender issues) buried. I knew they were there but I chose to believe they weren’t significant or important. And I thought, well, maybe it just isn’t strong enough to call myself bi. I was aware of sexual fluidity. It took time to even let myself explore it.

Rebecca has spent her entire life seeking male attention, obviously eschewing close female relationships until she came to West Covina (and I’m not even going to touch on the DELIBERATE romantic parallels they do with Paula and Rebecca here.)

To me, Rebecca Bunch, regardless of intention, feels like a bi narrative. Will there be any payoff? Unlikely. And hey, this show has done a lot for the bisexual community (literally gifting us with an anthem) and it has multiple bi characters (though I do think readings for Valencia’s sexuality are still open as long as they don’t label her.) So it’s not like I’m going to be pissed and the fact that they even took the time to acknowledge Rebecca’s bisexual tendencies as being a real thing and not just a joke is kind of remarkable.

But it’s not going to be explicit canon. Rachel and Aline don’t think Rebecca is bi. But I certainly do.

[prinsesopdepingpongbal]

A talk about labels

Watching a couple of I Don’t Bi It videos, I kept thinking about why I chose the labels I use today. 

Alayna Fender explains bisexuality as the attraction to two groups of people, your own gender and other genders. Even when I started coming out as bi at age 19, I had discussions about this definition with my friend. We talked about how I felt that bi hinged on two genders and, being uneducated and problematic at the time, I categorised transgender as another gender (sorry). Even when I finally started coming out using a label, I knew I didn’t feel completely comfy using bisexual. I think biphobia might have contributed to my denying multiple attractions as a teenager. I basically paused exploring my orientation when I was 13, because I thought I would only be able to ‘know’ for sure after I went through puberty without all the raging hormones. I knew I had girlfriends as a child, but I always thought that was me either not getting how that worked or it didn’t count cause I was a child. 

As a teenager, I experienced attraction to multiple genders (there were no out non binary students at my school, but we did have a ton of queer and androgynous people) but I often ruled it out because of confusion around intersections of spectrum identities. Yes, I knew you could be bi, gay or hetero, but that was about the extent of it. I wasn’t really aware of gender identities or of sexuality (ace to allo sexual spectrum) which might have cleared somethings up for me at the time. I would have very strong feelings for a friend and have almost relationship like friendships, without feeling a strong internally driven need for romantic relationships. I liked the idea, but only from afar, from the perspective of somebody else. Me and my friends used to joke that I was just a gay man, because I would often crush on very effeminate, often queer, boys (oh honey if only you knew the possibilities that lay at your fingertips) But whenever I thought I was attracted to someone (beyond friendship feelings) I became so confused. I would think I had a crush on a girl, but I would rule it out because I thought I just wanted to be like her, have people be attracted to me like I was to her. Or I would have a crush on a boy, but didn’t feel the need to act on it and became hella intimidated thinking about physical intimacy. I would crush on boys and girls at the same time and be so confused, because yes you can like both but not at the same time, right?! (hi polyamory, nice to meet you) my feelings for one didn’t contradict the other, so I decided it must me friendship feelings then, or just thinking they were cool. So this brought a lot of confusion in my hormone riddled brain. I once even tried to start a rumour that I was gay, to get a girl’s attention, but it didn’t really catch on. When I joked about it to my friends they were like “yeah that’s not true I mean like you’re bi right?” And I would scoff and laugh and awkwardly leave being like “psh me nooooo why would you even think that???” #closeted

So at college I tried to be more open about my feelings, sharing my multi gender attraction without labelling myself as anything (which is totally fine, you don’t need a label) and at age 19, when I finally started to use bisexual as a label to define my orientation, I knew I would technically be categorised as pansexual. However, at the time I knew nobody who actually used that label, but in the back of my mind I knew that was the label I would eventually settle on. Funnily enough, this has happened more and more throughout my discovery journey, where I know I will eventually identify as something, even if I’m not there yet (such as with genderfluid and asexual spectrum identities). So when I was becoming more comfortable with being openly queer, still without ever dating a girl (which was something that made me mistrust my own feelings), I became more comfortable thinking of myself as possibly pansexual. I became more interested and involved with the transgender community, through friends and fiction, without realising I might have been not-cis myself, I started to see the importance of using pan as a prefix. For me it emphasised the attraction to non-binary, gender variant and transgender people, which I discovered I had a preference for. So now whenever I told someone I was attracted to anyone (boys, girls, whatever) and they would label me (so you’re bi) I would actually correct them (well pan, yeah) instead of just going along with it (I guess). 

Nowadays I like the fact I use the prefix pan, because it’s less known and potentially hides the full meaning of the word, to me at least. I use panromantic, but see it as being under the bisexual umbrella (even though that umbrella should be the multi attraction umbrella). I like the idea of using bi meaning two groups of people, own and other gender, but I thing that might have never worked for me, seeing as I still don’t know what my gender is and who I would categorise as my own gender and other genders. I don’t know exactly what sets pan apart from bi, because for me it’s not being indifferent to somebody’s gender. But I guess I do see bisexuality, at least in head canon, as being more static and direct (like John Watson really likes women and really likes men, he is determined 50/50 (or 100/100) and is secure in his identity, the pool contains both, ladies on the left, gents on the right, and he fishes them out) whereas pansexuality is more of a constant state of fluidity, looking at everyone but possibly experiencing more attraction to one group depending on the situation, being flexible and open (like Dorian Gray, who keeps following his heart and walking after beautiful people, immersed in the pool of gender and being led by experience, instead of fixed preference). 

Like a stupid analogy would be like bisexuals like both sweet and savoury meals and pansexuals like all food and eat intuitively, maybe not even stopping to think about it being sweet or savoury, but definitely liking certain foods because they are sweet or savoury. Queer means you like food, but it doesn’t state any of your preferences. Polysexuality could be you like most foods, but with a few expections, like everything but spicy food, just not your thing. 

So that’s where my brain goes when I watch Youtube videos. I like looking back on this stuff and seeing when and why I made the choices I made and how it has shaped me as a person.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey Maddie, I know maybe you can't help me with this, but I don't like very much that I feel more attracted to guys than girls. And I don't know if that's bc I don't have the best history with men, but I've heard that most bisexual women end up with men, and I feel like that will be my case? I know it's probably bc of heteronormativity but, how do you even go on finding other women to meet? (Sorry if it's an obvious question, I'm new to this) thanks Maddie.

Hello,

I’ve also heard this before that bi women are more often dating men than women. However, I don’t know if that really reflects the truth. I don’t know which study had claimed to have proven that and how they got their data. So I’m taking that information with a grain of salt. Bisexual people are so invisible in our society that I think there might be a lot who are getting classified as lesbians or straight women despite actually being on the multi-spectrum.

But let’s assume that it is true that bi women are more likely to date men then the explanation is relatively simple. You already brought up heteronormativity - that is definitly one important aspect. Some women just don’t live in a place or culture where dating a woman or non-binary person is an option because being openly queer puts them in danger. Or they have internalised biphobia that prevents them from embracing their attraction to multiple genders so they stick with only dating men. There is also biphobia from within the LGBTQIA+ community that many bi women (and other bi people) find alienating and is causing them to just not engage with the queer community at all, so there is less chance of meeting queer women they could potentially be interested in dating. And then at the end of the day there’s also the simple mathematical aspect that there are more men who are attracted to women than there are women attracted to women. So the pool of potential partners is bigger on one side.

Now, about your problem..... I find it notable that you say you do not like that you prefer men and that you don’t want to “end up with one”. I don’t want to discredit your bisexual identity and I hope you don’t take it that way but I’d feel like I was omitting something if I didn’t bring up the possibility that you might not actually be attracted to men. Looking at the future and thinking “I hope I’m not one of those bi women who end up with a man” doesn’t really sound like you’re all too comfortable with your feelings towards men. Have you thought about that possibility? Maybe you have and if you’re certain that you really like men and that the issue lies elsewhere then end of discussion! I believe you and won’t argue with that. But if you’re not really sure or find yourself re-questioning that a lot then I think you should know that this could be a sign of being a lesbian. Doesn’t have to. But could. 

But there are other explanations as well that don’t end in “might actually be a lesbian”. So assuming you are really attracted to men then, as you already said, your past negative experiences with men could explain why you are hesitant about dating men again. It may take some time (or maybe even help from a therapist) to work through those bad memories and to learn how to trust men again and be comfortable with your attraction to them.

Then there is also that nasty motherfucker called internalised biphobia. Many bi women feel like they aren’t allowed to identify as bi anymore if they date a man. They are afraid of “not being queer enough” and biphobes make us feel like we have to hate men and hate ourselves for being attracted to men if we want to be a part of the queer community. Bi women who have internalised that specific type of biphobia (often that is coming from within the LGBTQIA+ community) feel like they have to apologise and repent for their attraction to men and like it makes us second-class queers or “unpure”. If that is the case here with you then I’d recommend you check this post with detailed advice about internalised biphobia and keep reminding yourself that even with a strong preference for men you are 100% bisexual and biphobes can go fuck themselves.

A different (also internalised biphobic) aspect in your personal journey might be that you seem to be inexperienced with women? Are you maybe afraid you will miss out on making that experience? You can still identify as bisexual even without ever having kissed a had sex with a woman, but it’s also understandable that you may want to explore this and for the time being would like to focus on dating women, instead of men. Maybe that could even make your preference shift or even out (or maybe not, just saying: it’s a possibility). Just because you currently prefer men doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way (but it is fine if is always that way!)

How can you meet other queer women? Well, if there’s a queer space in your area, like a cafe or party or resource center with meet-up groups that could be a good start. There’s also online dating (which I’d only recommend if you’re of legal age!) and once you have built a friend circle of queer people over time you might just meet your future girlfriend through that. And generally, if you want to and can safely be more open about being interested in women (through wearing Pride colours for example or playing with some queer stereotypes in your appearance) then the lesboons and m-spec ladies might be able to spot you from afar and come running towards you ;-)

Maddie