#and i got completely sidetracked defending myself lol

[playingplayer2]

Oops. I started rambling/venting/ranting. Didn't mean to do that.

mildly judging myself over my own taste in people/characters, yk, as you do.

The difference between people I've dated vs characters I like is a little... Hn.

Like I don't think I have bad taste. With characters. Clearly I'm doing something wrong w/ choosing partners.

It's just for some reason i've never dated anyone who's actually been "my type." Like I think the whole "type" thing is kinda bs but like, people vary greatly and i've only ever been in 1 relationship where I didn't already have a strong friendship w/ the other person. Or thought I did, at any rate.

I have a (imo) very clear type when it comes to fictional characters, but when it comes to irl people I've only ever dated/attracted stalkers or pushy-self-centered- flakey-assholes and I m a little confused how that kept happening. Like I've got:

creepy stalker guy 1 who wouldn't leave me alone and later got into a knife fight (over me??????) at school while I was out sick one day and then he got suspended and expelled

a super pushy ex bf who tried to pressure me into sex, repeatedly, who only stopped when I broke up with him (under a different pretense bc he was freaking me out)

an incredibly abusive ex gf who sexually assaulted me and then proceeded to bully me extensively for over a year and worked very hard to isolate for the rest of high school (she failed and she's a bitch)

creepy stalker guy 2 who I'd initially thought was a friend until later when refused take no for an answer and kept asking me out until I was dating smbdy else AND kept getting increasingly aggressive despite this

Off and on FWB for like a year, I recall him fondly even if he was a little bit of a flaky friend, I mean so was I we were idk 15/16??? We got along great and he wasn't any more of a bitch than I was

an ex boyfriend who I forced to go to a local cafe so that I could formally break up with him after he stopped responding to text messages for two months and got fucking fed up (and then he started dating the bsf of my manipulative ex bsf less than 2 weeks later. Funny that)

And then an ex gf, my most recent relationship, who. Would. Not. Listen. To. Boundaries. And would repeatedly (like every time) forget and/or miss the time we'd scheduled for dates and then we'd talk about boundaries and communication etc etc and w/in less than a day she'd rinse and repeat. Which. AgavahdkdjdjshGHHH.

Like???

I mean granted. High School is always messy. But. None of my (actual, not stabbing me in the back) friends went thru that shit. S'wild lemme tell you. But also I was a suicidal, depressed, socially anxious, anxiety ridden, traumatized, touch-starved, touch-averse, jelly-spined, crybaby 13-18 yo back then.

I'm still a suicidal, depressed, socially anxious, anxiety ridden, traumatized, touch-starved, touch-averse, crybaby but I managed to wack my backbone back into place outside of life-or-death scenarios after I turned 18 and wasn't hanging by the noose of the American family court system.

I'm sure part of my issue was also always giving and giving and giving and letting people walk all over me. And maybe the "omfg I like girls too?" Crisis I had at 11 and promptly shelved until I was 13 bc little me was like "hmm teenager problem!" And the fact that everyone around me kept dating and I thought I had to be dating too so I could fit in because dear gods was little me insecure asf.

Big me has realized that while I find many many many people aesthetically and sometimes sexually attractive, I've barely ever found other people romantically attractive. Big me would also like to shake little me until little me's head is screwed on tightly and then I wanna smack the little bitch ass fucks who pushed me into dating that first ex gf and tell little me to get new friends.

[blackdreamsoffashion]

Well, well, well…

Guess who’s back after over a year of hiatus (currently barfing at all hiatuses as a socio-phonetician…)!

My friends and family know that these past 12 months have probably been the busiest months of my life. I was working through co-founding an organization, dissertating, taking classes, and more recently searching for a new job…. while also trying to exercise, cook, be a decent wife, daughter, sister, friend, cat/dog mom. The whole nine yards. So, it’s safe to say if it wasn’t a necessity, I pretty much wasn’t doing it. So clearly, blogging se fue a la mierda.

With all that said, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! I’ll be defending my dissertation mid-June, and moving to Erie, PA for a new job shortly after! I couldn’t be more excited, as I feel the faculty I’ve met so far is pretty kick-ass, and I’m stoked to be able to grow as an educator and researcher. A bish can spread her wings and FLY!

I haven’t announced the good news through a classic social media post because it feels shady af since people are literally dying, losing their jobs, and suffering on a daily basis as we try to navigate this new way of life, while Rona’s out here runnin’ rampant.

Speaking of Rona, before I get any more sidetracked, since being quarantined beginning March 20th (or 44 days, or 1056 hours…. but who’s counting?), I’ve been thinking about my family a lot, particularly my dad. Living in NY and working in an Arab grocery store is a recipe for disaster, which has got my stress levels #allthewayup.

I call him daily to do a little check in, and recently, he’s started to use more Arabic with me… even sending me Arabic memes #mamaImadeit! It’s crazy how after spending 29 years on this planet, I’m FINALLY able to take part in that aspect of my dad’s culture. (Shout out to Dr. Zafer for really pushing me in Arabic this semester!)

Sin embargo, even though I can hold my own in Arabic, I’m far from native and even though it’s the native language of one of my parents, it’s my THIRD language! When I think about it, which I’ve been doing a lot lately since thinking about existential questions is the new dissertation procrastination technique, it actually makes me more confused when I try to “define” myself.

Most likely, if I have a kid, I won’t teach him/her Arabic. My husband and I will pass on Spanish, which will be hard since it’s not my native language, meaning that Arabic will pretty much die with me…

On my wedding day, my dad asked me “so, are you planning on changing your last name?” and I could see he was literally holding his breath as he waited for my response. When I told him no….. chacho, that sigh of relief he let out could literally be felt by all of my Sudanese ancestors LOL. But all jokes aside, it’s truly heartbreaking to think that with me, that cultural tie will die.

How do you pass on a culture that’s not truly yours? Identity is so complex, and even if I wanted to identify as Sudanese, I couldn’t. The moment another Arab hears my Arabic, it’s like …… “ohhhhhh so you’re American! I was confused because your last name is Mohamed” and then the “wait you’re not muslim…? But your dad is muslim sooo??” Literally, I’ve heard that at least 67 times.

At LEAST!

Let’s also not forget the fact that I didn’t visit Sudan until I was 18, and I’ve only been there twice. Let’s ALSOOOO not forget that I’m black lmao. Can’t really hide that one lol, and I could literally write a book on the complexities of being black, but for the sake of this post, I’m just gonna leave it at that.

Actually in Saudi Arabia

Literally, no caption needed. 

To further complicate the identity mierda, I was also 18 the first time I went to Puerto Rico; but, I’ve been so many times that I’ve literally lost track. My husband’s Puerto Rican, I’ve been given an honorary Puerto Rican/Caribbean card by several Puerto Ricans, including my suegra. I speak Spanish fluently and have a slight Caribbean accent when doing so, I worship Marc Anthony and Hector Lavoe, my favorite dessert is flan, favorite music genere is probably reggaeton (#rachetontheinside)… así que….. What the heck am I?

Better question. Where is my honorary Arab card, because nobodyyyy has offered that up to me yet and I’m pretty sure a bish will be waiting on it until she dead dead.

How does one construct their identity, and what factors play a role in that construction? Is there some formula I can throw together that will give me my identity. Like, Flan de queso + Bad Bunny = Boricua, kinda? Is there a certain amount of times I need to go to Sudan before I’m accepted as a “true Sudanese?,” a certain amount of lexicon I need to acquire before I can claim that dialect of Arabic?

      Classic.

    Most days I’m black. Punto. But some days, I’m confused and unsure. My hispanic friends tell me I’m Puerto Rican. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not, but I find it so interesting that I can be completely accepted in that culture, but struggle to be accepted by those with whom I share heritage. I also think, since I basically just became a real adult, what type of identity/culture will I pass on to my potential kid… or maybe my 10 cats… It’s a toss up at this point.

First trip to PR with my favorite meerkats!

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

At the end of the day, as I reflect and basically find no real answers lol, one thing I can say is that at least I know how to navigate so many spaces and cultures. I’m literally a freaking chameleon. There’s “yasss sis” black Sherez, “Hacho mano ehto e’ un palo” Caribbean Sherez, “ship ship wen?” sorta Arab Sherez, and even “Excellent! I can certainly have that to you by 5pm,” navigating-white-spaces Sherez. LOL Maybe that’s what I’ll be passing along. Chameleon training 101.

  So anyways. Congrats! You’ve made it to the end of this stream of consciousness blog post. I guarantee this is not how my academic writing is LOL.

If YOU have any struggles, comments, insights, lo que sea, about identity, feel free to share! And share this post too lol. I’m tired of hearing about Rona. Let’s change it up and talk about some existential ish!

-Sherez ❤

  Identity crisis... existential questions during cuarentena! Well, well, well... Guess who's back after over a year of hiatus (currently barfing at all hiatuses as a socio-phonetician...)!

[cutegirlmayra]

Can you do a story where Amy gets mad at Sonic and tries smash him with her hammer and Sonic tries to calm her down, something around that scenario? I don't know why but I enjoy Sonamy stories like that lol

(x) Permission given by artists to use, please support them as well! (Author’s Note: If you or your artists friends are alright with me using your art as ‘preview images��� to my prompts, please contact me! I could use all the help I can get :) *You will always be credited!)

I was going through some things, so sorry if this is late! But because of the time I was able to take some time to think about it, I got a really cute and cool idea! I hope you enjoy it, my friend! :)

Prompt:

After receiving a distress call from Amy, Sonic hurried over to her location before spotting Shadow and getting sidetracked by the suspicious behavior of the G.U.N.

Finding a scammed hedgehog and corrupted Military system, the two reluctantly teamed up and put an end to the robotic imposter leading the G.U.N and tricking Shadow!

However…

Amy rolled to dodge the large, circular robot as it’s center cube opened to reveal scanners.

Detecting her movements, it was able to lock-and-load, to speak. It would target her and withdraw it’s connected metallic shards and form into a tight ball, resembling Sonic’s ‘spin-dash’ as it charged her like a rolling boulder.

Tails had analyzed Amy footage of the robot, trying to desperately find an opening, and after hitting the cube-eye that now disabled it’s locator; he could confirm that only Sonic’s quills could shred through it’s exterior to successfully destroy it.

Amy was a hard-hitter, but in no way could scrap through and destroy it’s core. With it’s hard-hide, Amy had no choice but to dodge it’s now random and blind movements.

It broke down trees in it’s wake, trying to listen now to detect movement before reeling itself up and charging in a random location. Amy had to lay low, worried now that Sonic hadn’t shown up.

She turned on her communicator, taking a risk. “…Tails?”

The robot turned to her.

“Eeep!” she got out of the bush she was hiding in and started racing to another location, but the Robot got smart…

Knowing she was only going to make sound while moving, it charged it’s roll up and jumped itself to a rock, using it to spring it in the air and come at her as if to squash her for good.

She looked behind her shoulder, fear tainting her eyes as she couldn’t possibly knock away a robot carrying so many tons of metal!

All seemed to go dark for a moment, the robot’s large, circular frame blocking out the sun.

Then another noise from the side, as a blue streak darted into the robot, taking only seconds to shred through the impenetrable hide of the robot and have it shake in air.

It excited out like a projectile from the robot as it uncurled and smashed into the ground, Amy being pushed out of it’s way and grabbed before thrown to the ground for safety.

She face-planted, her legs still slightly up in the air from the impact, before falling and spitting out dirt.

She turned around, huffing and puffing as she saw Sonic continue to shred through the hide with sparks of light flying off the sides. A saw to the now downed robot, before spinning out of his ball and folding his arms, watching the explosion.

“My favorite part!” He smirked, “Ahh…” he turned his head away and placed both hands to his hips, “Makes such a nice wind…” he seemed very confident, as if nothing was wrong…

“…You…”

Sonic’s ear twitched, and he happily turned around to her. “Hey, Am-” he twitched back his hand when he saw dirt all over her face, and her head down…

Her hands scrunched up the bottom of her red dress… her mouth formed a dangerous scowl, before she flung her head up to him.

“WHERE WERE YOU!?!?”

He flinched back, before trying to keep his ‘pleasant’ smile from looking terrified at her angry expression.

He leaned his head back, “F..Fighting?” he then shook himself out of his nerves, “Why do I need to explain myself? I got your distress call, and Tails told me about the robot’s weakness! You know that!” he gestured a hand out to her, slightly defending himself before placing a hand to his hip…

She looked down, closing her eyes and turning her head away, her anger only growing…

His eyes widened at her shift from anger to pain, and then shook his head out, trying to convince himself he wasn’t in the wrong here.

He sighed and dropped his arms, “Look, you’re okay aren’t you? You always tend to be…” suddenly seeming to get the idea she wasn’t, he moved in closer, leaning towards her.

“Amy… you are alright… aren’t you?” a new stance was taken, and he slowly bent down to examine her more closely.

Unable to see her up close, she shot back to her feet and swung a hammer at him.

“Yikes!” he leaned as far back as his spine could allow him, and waved his arms out around to balance himself; one foot dangling above the ground before finding it’s place there again.

“Amy! Calm down, I-!”

“You…! GRRR..aHHH!!!” she swung it some more and he ran, ducking and dodging.

“Amy! Let me explain!”

“You gave that up a moment ago!”

She threw her hammer out, summoning a new one instantly the second the last one missed.

He didn’t notice her hunching over…

The limp in her leg…

He barely noticed she hadn’t moved so quickly to run after him…

As he darted away in a serpentine motion, he suddenly dove into a bush, and peeked up.

His expression completely changed when he saw her collapse to her knees.

The friendly game they usually played suddenly ceased in his eyes as they narrowed and a new figure arose from that bush.

Taking on a new persona, Sonic suddenly seemed very serious, standing over Amy and looking to her arms.

They were shaking… twitching every now and then from stress and over-exhaustion.

Her mouth had some spit drip here and there that she wiped away, but her panting was dangerously convulsing her throat and stomach.

She shook her head to try and regain herself from dizziness, and Sonic’s fists clenched.

“You…” she barely got out.

“…Wasn’t here sooner.” he crouched down beside her. “I’m sorry.”

His apology hit her hard as her eyes widened at the sudden acceptance of his fault, and looked up.

“…I should have prioritized better. I thought you’d manage until I made it there.” His tone was dead-set on being honest and sincere- serious - without a shred of a hidden joke or punny phrase tied in there at all… 

“I saw Shadow in a strange predicament and found some deceit in G.U.N’s management… I thought you’d understand…”

He looked straight into her eyes, pausing her long enough to allow her body to breathe a bit more normally now that she wasn’t shouting so much.

He pressed a hand to the ground to hold himself up, but lean closer towards her face, allowing her to examine his own eyes and make her conclusions about his words.

“If I had known you were struggling so much… even a fraction of what I’m seeing now… I wouldn’t have goofed off so much.”

She saw no fault in his eyes… he was just being a hero. Being himself. And he hadn’t realized…

She forgave in a small surrender, looking away from his eyes and down at the ground.

“…You were right to trust I could handle it… under normal situations.. but.. it was designed to take my heavy blows…” she saw her body tremble violently for a moment before stabilizing itself…

In panic, she gripped her shaking arm and looked away, ashamed at her appearance to him…

She worked so hard to become strong in his eyes… and the second he had finally trusted her to be alright, she proved all her efforts wrong.

She squinted her eyes.

“I… I wish I could have proven you right.” she ducked her head further behind her, not wanting him to see any tears that may threaten her face.

She heard footsteps, but knew he couldn’t just be up and leaving.

He came back, and she wondered what made him walk away in the first place.

Suddenly, he was back to one knee and stringing something through her hair, under her headband; something stiff and pointy…

“H-hey..” she lifted her hands up to try and feel what it was, but his words stopped her.

“You know, Amy… you’re very strong.” he continued to startle her with more things being stuck through her hair that she couldn’t identify.

But her hands hesitated and her heart paused.

She had always wanted to hear him praise her efforts.

Her eyes pulled up to reveal small tears threatening, before he continued, her lower lip also strained to remain calm.

“… And I’m not just talking about your hammer’s strength either.” he smiled, and pulled away. “I’m talking about what’s inside. You’re sheer determination to never quit. That’s why you were able to keep fighting. Believing I would come…. it’s because you refused to quit. On both the battle… and on me.”

He gestured his head to her own, and she rose her hands to touch whatever he had put in her hair.

Her eyes widened.

“What’s inside… comes out as outward beauty.” he admired the decorative work he had done, putting a hand to his knee to push off from and stand up straight, then that very hand to his chin.

“Heh.” he smirked at the flower crown, before Amy removed her hands and revealed her watery, glossy eyes to him.

“Sonic…” she tenderly spoke out.

He winked to her sweetly, and then offered his hand.

“Let’s get you home, Amy… you deserve a hero’s rest.”

She smiled and jumped into his arms, sobbing as the flowers let some petals fall through the wind she created with her thrust towards him.

They softly, slowly… fell to their feet as Sonic awkwardly chuckled and let her embrace him with tears.

(This… was precious ;A; )

[ifuckinhatemymom-blog]

Letting go of my fp

I was obsessed with him so much it put a strain on my relationship. It started before I was diagnosed. I didnt even know what was happening to me. Think of the biggest dickhead in the world, and imagine yourself infatuated with him. I even wondered if I had genuine feelings for him. I didnt, fucking obviously I didnt It was this fucking disorder warping everything and making my life a living hell Im not even sure why it happened. I usually keep people at a distance from me. I dont value peple in my life but he suddenly came in my life and he was the coolest, funniest, most charming son of a bitch I ever laid eyes on. (Seriously though, he is a fucking asshole.) He has a lot of issues of his own. Like super super depressed and self harming in every way you could think of. The friends group I was in? Everyone hated him. Treated him like shit, talked shit about him behind his back. I didnt understand why people could pretend to be his friend but hate him so much. It is so fucked. Anyway they probably had reason to hate him (theyre not excused from being fake assholes, he is still a fucking human being) because he was rude and mean. I was the only one who would properly call him out on his shit. I was also his biggest cheerleader and defender. I saw the positive side of him, saw how much pain he was in. I took it upon myself to try and "fix him". Lol. Obviously, that wasnt and is not and never will be possible. I became obsessed with helping him, being there for him, I forced my way into his life, I sledge hammered through the walls he had up whether he wanted it or not, and for a moment I felt so close to him and so happy because this was also the first time I had a friend of MY OWN? MINE? MY friend, because everyone-- including my girlfriend-- fucking hated him. I hadnt had an FP since I met my girlfridnd and that was 8 years ago. I had been giving HER my heart mind body and soul (dealing with the torment of that not being reciprocated for years. Honestly I feel like ill never trully feel im 100% her priority or like she loves me as much as I love her but fucking what ever). Anyway she was the one everyone was drawn to and I was always kind of the one off to the side, she would introduce people to me and thats how I would make friends. Do you see where im going with this? The preference everyone had for her over me was clear as day and I struggled with that and her being the center of attention for years. I was shy, awkwardly ugly as fuck, my fat didnt fall well on my young body yet, I was shit. Fucking pathetic and gross. She has BPD too. (Invalidated me alot when we were younger, I couldnt share any of my feelings without her making it obvious that I, and I quote, "will never be as crazy as her". I shit you not.) It all shifted when we joined a larp at this dingey little alternative school. By then, my skin was clear, my hair was the BRIGHTEST fucking pink you could imagine, still fat but I honestly wear it very well now, and my confidence was higher than it was since I was maybe 6 years old. Bitch. That group was eating out of the palm of my fucking hand. It was the first time that I was the group leader/head bitch in charge. She didnt seem to mind it! Said she was happy for me. But again. First time for me. He wanted to be my friend, too. He was intimidated I could feel it off him. It felt great. He respected me more than he did anyone else in the room and he made it apparent. I guess I internally knew him and I would be close friends and that everyone would be mad about it. One of the guys at the program was oddly possesive over me and he particularly hated my FP the most out of everyone. Started treating me different as FP and I got closer. Exluding me, doing things to pin me and FP against each other. Shit got weird. There is a whole ass history when it comes to that boy but ill bitch about that in another post. Anyway as I was trying to say before getting sidetracked, the minute I laid eyes on FP it was almost instant? I could read his vibe(badass bad boy asshole the fucking works), and on top of that he was attractive. Instant. I needed him to be my friend. My close, cool, bad ass friend. Fast forward to me crying to my brothers because my girlfriend was fed up with the little relationship I had going on with him. I began to resent her, thinking that she wasnt allowing me to have friends of my own when deep down I knew what the fuck I was doing was wrong and if I were her I would have cussed me AND FAUGHT HIM a looooong time ago, but I was lying to myself and to her. He has a girlfriend he loves very much, yet he would do things on purpose to make my girlfriend jealous? Like one time when I was running late to the program (no surprise) my girlfriend didnt have a phone at the time, I was texting him and shit telling him when I would be there and shit like that. And you know what he does? He says "its a shame you dont have a phone, because shes texting me instead of you right now." To my girlfriend. Needless to say when she told me this shit I was pissed off but did I say anything to him? No. I was hurt, though. Because just like everyone else in my fucking life, he was using me to get to her even if in a negative way. He kept doing little shit like this. He invited me over his house to play with his pets in front of my girlfriend and purposely excluding her (he had promised her she could visit and meet his cat a few weeks prior) And what did I do? Like a giddy pink school girl, I anxiously agreed to go to his house alone. in front of her. I did it because I never get asked to hang out on my own. I wanted him to be my friend and have someone be only mine for once. My distorted thinking was making me not care about how it made my girlfriend feel, because inside I was in her shoes countless times and it was sort of a silent revenge. He was toxic. I mean toxic. I felt ignored often, belittled, made to feel like I was a stupid little girl and like he was above me and like he needed to baby me, when really I was helping him better himself. A real asshole. Class A shit. My best friend and my girlfrend hated him so much at this point. It must have been so obvious to everyone else. I feel so fucking stupid. Just the other day I was trying to talk to him about some basic shit and he again ignored me and sent a meme instead. He did that thing often where you can say something to him but he will change the subject to what ever it was he wanted to be talking about, completely ignoring anything I had to say. Questions, statements, talking about my dreams or wants, opinions, all fucking ignored like it didnt fuckng matter. The other day I brought it up. He used excuses and didnt even try to listen or say sorry or that he would try and fix it. None of that. And I guess im just going to have to accept that I will never be special to him, im not valuable enough to him for him to even care or listen. Fuck him. Im fucking done with him. My girlfriend and I and the relationship isnt centered around him and I anymore, I think ive let go of him months ago but its becoming more concrete these days. I let him go the first time for her, because at the end of the day I love her over everyone and no one will ever change that... but it wasnt for me. I didnt do it to save myself I did it to save the relationship, I distanced myself. This time im letting go because im finally accepting that I need to do it for my own sake. For me. For my health. My sanity. Good bye FP. I hope this never happens to me again. -nani P.S I will try and dissect this entire situation in bpd terms at some later point. Like what caused my certain behaviors, what was happening because of my illness and trauma, a general analysis of it from what would maybe be more of a psychiatric view. Im no professional but despite all my shit im super analitical and im good at looking at cause, effect, rationalizing etc. When it comes to others and after im finished having a personal experience.