#and i genuinely hope this lets you have an introspective to think what happened over and it helps you heal

[kindestegg]

Anyway. My veryyyyy summarized thoughts are however that I think people, specially minors, need to stop projecting their personal insecurities and trauma onto fictional characters and acting like that makes them more knowledgeable about the characters and the relationships they hold than everyone else, and maybe try getting into healthier ways to take care of such manifestations of traumatic stress

[fala-alfredo-pasta]

Going further with the Eren + Nagito comparison, what if Nagito has another "revelation" of sorts. Wondering to himself, was it ever truly hope that he yearned so much for? Or was it freedom? A sense of autonomy and control over his life. Not a life dictated by the whims of his luck cycle, by the diseases limiting his body, and of course by some bitch mind-raping him into a despair addiction.

And this extends to how he treats his luck cycle. Finally reaching the conclusion that no, it has never been a fair balance and it has always just been Ultimate Bad Luck. Deciding that the "good luck" is just a bullshit illusion to get his hopes up and then be crushed again. So he goes out of his way to spite the cycle. Passing over and deliberately sabotaging every single bit of "good luck" that comes his way from there on.

"Fuck off, I'm not falling for that shit anymore. Go ahead, toss me all the bad luck you want. See if I care."

It would probably feel weirdly uncomfortable for the rest of Class 77. Because like...yeah, he's finally shut up about hope and luck and all that. But it also feels kind of wrong. Like the world has turned upside down. And a number of them probably realize that they actually do miss that sense of irreverent optimism. Which in turn would likely make Nagito even more irritable and lash out at attempts to cheer him up.

"If I recall correctly, all the time you'd say stuff like 'I wish that moron would just shut the hell up about hope'. And yet...now you're upset that I've taken your advice? Make your damn mind up."

The idea of believing in hope "in a healthy way" sounds good on paper. But like...I think it would take a very long character arc to come around to that idea. As far as Nagito is concerned (and let's face it he's not exactly wrong here), hope or fate or whatever spited him from the moment he was born. It doesn't smile upon him the way it does people like Makoto.

"No. Fuck that. I'm never going back to that lie. Looking back now...I was a slave long before I ever had a chain around my neck. It doesn't matter that I'm gonna die a miserable death. Nothing's gonna change that. What matters is whether or not I die free."

This would be quite the intriguing concept to explore indeed though as you mentioned it would be a long work-in-progress for Nagito to open himself up again to believing in hope from this point.

Here's hoping that things don't end as tragically for him as they did Eren--though I suppose some argue that Eren did die "free" to an extent. Though really did he ever truly escape? I mean he died a Titan and there was really no way at all for him to be able to remotely have a normal happy life with how deeply involved he was with, well, everything. To that effect, at least Nagito in way has a shot of finding some sort of contentment in life. Yeah, he'll never be truly "free" from his luck the same as Eren will never be free of being a titan, but Nagito has time. As ironic as that may sound for someone with terminal illness, if there is a constant about Nagito's luck is that it does first and foremost ensure his survival (whether it's painful or not). Along with the fact that they really aren't any obligations or responsibilities he's tied (not in the way Eren had), Nagito is at least free to spend his recovery period well...recovering and allowing for introspection to happen. And, because of that, I do think at some point he'll be able to see some sort of reason to genuinely smile again and be happy despite his luck.

I don't think he necessarily needs to be hopeful for the future--because that could feel like you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead I think Nagito will do better simply allowing himself to find enjoyment and be happy in the present. He won't fool himself by claiming that everything in the future will be okay, but he won't let his bad luck continue to control him by sapping away all his happiness and making him an empty husk. After all, the freedom of feeling and expressing all the emotions he has, the good and the bad, isn't that really what he's striving for? I can't imagine a bigger "fuck you" to that chain of bad luck he was born with than living and enjoying life despite it.

He won't make plans but he'll enjoy the moments as they come.

[kiisuuumii]

some introspection this morning abt a feeling from last night abt social interactions, letting ppl in, fear of everything coming to a sour end, and hope

up until this past february, i hadnt allowed a completely new person into my life, like really into my life, for quite a long while; the last person was an old coworker, who id met two years ago now. and ive always been the sort to struggle w social interactions and connections of all types, so when i made my first blog and decided to start posting poetry there, i had prepped myself mentally somewhat to interact w others (last time i put myself out onto the internet was in 2020 lol), but i dont think i was as emotionally ready as i shouldve been, to the point of letting my emotions get the better of me and hurting myself and others twice now since march

its safe to say that im scared, of letting ppl in, of my emotions taking over, of hurting someone else again. its safe to say that i dont trust myself to not let any of this happen again. and maybe its a control issue thing. i know that nobody's perfect, let alone me, and yet i find it difficult to extend the sort of grace id give to others, to myself.

so when someone reached out to me last night to tell me that theyre there if id like a friend (and hello friend if youre reading this sorry im making an example of you), it brought up the question of whether i felt i /could/ let someone new in. and ik that its not like i have to be vulnerable, spewing every little thing abt myself, right from the start, and ik that how connections progress varies from one to another. i think the question really becomes whether i trust myself to know how navigate new connections in ways that are not only true to myself, but also with my highest good in mind, and whether im willing to take the risk that someone's presence in my life wont last forever

thats another thing with me; when i grow fond of someone, i want them to always have a presence in my life to some degree, because i love them, and i want to not only be apart of their lives, but also them apart of mine. but thats not what happens every time; people come and go, thats just how it is, and i struggle horribly with letting go, even since i was a kid

but i dont want to let the fear of losing someone keep me from letting people into my life. i crave connection, i crave understanding. i cant have those things without letting someone in and letting them try, and letting myself try.

i want to live this life with as few regrets as i can. yet it seems like ive just been piling them up over the past four months. am i just going to regret letting other people in going forward, too?

theres only one real way to find out. and im terrified. genuinely terrified. bc im sick of hurting others. im sick of beating myself up. but you have to do the thing scared. you have to. or else you wont do it at all. you'll keep making excuses for yourself, saying you arent ready, but when will that be? are we ever truly ready for anything, let alone change?

you have to hope that the next time'll be different. statistically, its not impossible. you have to hope. how else can things change if you dont have hope that they will?

hope doesnt have to mean trusting yourself completely. it just has to mean believing in the small part of you that wants things to change to do what they can with what they have to bring about that change.

i'll always believe that so long as i have the hope that i can change, i'll be able to find whats the best decision for me, in whatever moment i find myself in. that, that hope will eventually usher in the change im striving for, someday, one way, or another.

[castlebyersafterdark]

What you wrote about giving blowjobs was just one of the most beautiful descriptions of that sex act I've ever read, and I've read a fair few sexology books.

The isolated point of focus? The strangeness of being physically close but also still kind of far away from them, from their face, their breath and expressions? It's not something that's discussed but I've always been fascinated with the physical spatiality of sex. Camera angles in porn and movies can also make lovers look oddly far away from each other, whereas it's not that far irl. it's like looking at your foot and thinking it's so far away from your body yet it's still part of you and controlled by you. I also think dicks have this energy - a hard dick is just there, it almost doesnt look like it can fit or belong to the body haha (see those steve + jeans gifs you posted - he is BUSTIN out of those pants hahaha it's obscene!)

i too want that magic for mike and will - imagine how will would feel when he looked up and saw that mike was not only allowing him to do this, but enjoying it? and thank you as well for talking about this because i definitely grew up thinking that giving a BJ was debasing and i would only ever be at the whim of the man, and that he might even do something that would hurt me because it felt good for him (happened to lots of friends) and i couldnt find a way to make that kind of submission gel with my values, so i've ended up avoiding giving BJs in general. reading fic and seeing headcanons like this makes me feel like it could be possible i would find a partner who is respectful and let's me 'go at my own pace' like you said. maybe its just because i can't believe i would ever be able to make anyone give me 'that expression' just by touching them.

vinny i genuinely thought your fav sex act would be the same as will's (🍑🍑🍑), so im surprised by this revelation! hehe

Oh geez, that makes me feel some sort of way, so thank you 😌 If you have a passion, speak from the heart I suppose 🤣🤣🤣

But jokes aside, it's the honest truth! What I hope I do here is give a little different sort of introspection and just a different viewpoint on this sort of stuff, because I just enjoy speaking freely and honestly, sure there's fun in the crude and silly, but I also think that bringing back a little romanticism to talking about sex just helps when the vibes too many places only treat it as a total joke or a taboo. Normalize. Get a little lofty. Embrace being passionate. Explore a fantasy. Look at things from different viewpoints. I'm a really, really sappy guy. I'm know I'm pretty different. And I like that.

Glad you enjoyed my vision for them, it's just so!!! Yeah. And everyone has different journeys. I've alluded to certain things about myself and your mindset and comfort levels and interests can change over time. Or you decide, hey, that's actually not for me. But at least thinking and considering things is good, no matter what. We're always learning and growing.

And we would think, right??? Hahaha. Definitely a big fan, but not quite the number one. I don't know, I can't explain it. Well, I totally can, but something about framing personal insight through the guise of fictional characters is one thing, but when i shift too specifically and too directly about myself, it feels overly graphic haha. But I uhhhhh. I really really love doing that. It is what it is. Live without shame I guess, that's what I've been trying to say 😘😉

[bcnes-archived]

"You'll have to reimburse me if that's what you're after. My brandy's almost out." That's how you know they've been out here too long without stopping by a Federation planet or starbase: the medical supplies are doing fine, sure, they can only run into so many injuries when they're out in space. But the genuine, high-quality alcohol? That dries up pretty quickly in times like this.

But it wouldn't be the first time he split the last of it with Jim. It's one of the more simple reasons why he wouldn't really leave. It's nice to have a relationship with your captain that isn't just that; a genuine friendship that involves drinking on the clock and bruising the floor of the Enterprise's bowling alley ( Bones has a tendency to throw, not roll, the ball when he is losing ) and getting invited to Spock and Jim's stupid-ass chess games that he doesn't even like watching. Before the Enterprise it had been years since Leonard had anything like this. He's spent an entire lifetime driving off people that tried to love him, from the father he gave up on to the marriage he could have tried to save. It's a deliberate, calculated move, the more-than-prickly - mean, even - wall he's built up and the constant jabbing, the not giving in, the making sure Jim really only ever knows how badly he annoys him and that Spock is an unwanted thorn in his side. And not an ounce of it is true but it's an easy lie to keep up, bolstered and compounded the more mistakes he makes, and he feels secure in the knowledge that by now most folks on the Enterprise have finally gotten the message: he's an asshole.

Except Jim doesn't get it, because Jim Kirk seems to make a habit of not learning from his mistakes, which might be why he's always the last person to beam up no matter how many times it means he's stranded without hope of rescue. And why he goes through five shirts a week and won't stop bringing Bones with him on away parties when he doesn't want to go, dammit, let him get some reports done for once in his life. It makes it impossible to formulate another tactic to push the man away and what's more frightening than that is that McCoy isn't sure he could bring himself to do so in the first place, not now. It's happening with Spock, too, and that's just as scary - he can throw barbs at the Vulcan all he wants, but they're always easily caught and returned in a way that feels routine and it doesn't seem to really matter all that much when the arguments are over or when one of them is left injured or Jim leaves them to work as a duo.

He's not sure he can get these people out of his life. He's not sure he'd be able to even if they gave up on him, because he feels like a third of a person without them.

"It has to be you," he tells Jim matter-of-factly, "because he'd think it's a joke if I said it." Spock thinks everything is a joke regardless but he seems to be deliberately obtuse when it comes to Leonard, who has tried on more than one occasion to offer sincere thanks and reflection towards the Vulcan only to have it snidely returned. "And anyways, you're his superior officer. Doesn't that mean he's got to listen to you? Isn't that the logical thing to do?"

He scans Jim's face but isn't sure the other man sees it, the way his eyes have closed, lost in thought. Despite all his extroversion Leonard has found Jim to be a highly introspective man and it isn't all that uncommon for him to seemingly tab out of a conversation right in the middle of it, perhaps just intently listening while his two counterparts verbally spar in his absence. But McCoy knows he does listen, all the same - he suspects there's just a lot going on in that head of his and maybe it takes some time to sort it all out every now and then. So he waits, just standing there with Kirk's arm holding him in place, and Bones rubs his fingers very gently along a subtle seam on Jim's shoulder where he can only assume this shirt had to be patched up once or twice. When he glances back up from it Jim is looking at him again with that smile of his, and he stares back dumbly for a second or two, never sure of how he's supposed to feel when the captain's intense attention is directed towards him. He has the inexplicable urge to say something very stupid like god, you're handsome, and if he were a little younger and dumber he probably would have. Instead he chews on his cheek for a moment, aiming to give off the impression of being equally lost in thought.

"Bet he's just fuming up there," he settles eventually with a chuckle. Absently, he brushes his fingers over a stray curl of Jim's hair next to his ear, a careful and casual gesture to tuck it back into its rightful place. "Probably knows we're talking about him but can't leave the conn."

Kirk throws his head back , eyes rolling. He knows full well that Bones would lie to him - albeit , not about important matters , of course , but everybody tells a white lie every once in a while. Especially if it's to make their good ol' captain happy. ❛ Well , I don't see drinks being completely out of the question. ❜ He replies with a smile , lowering his head back.

Being Captain was something he always carried with pride , although he does has his moments where he wonders if he's really good enough. Sure , if the Enterprise is still standing and the crew is all in one piece , he must be doing his job. But with every speech given and every captain's log made , that small voice in the back of his head asks him if he really thinks this is worth it. If being in this tin can in the middle of the vast nothingness of space is what he truly wants. God , he really is starting to sound like Bones. Both Bones and Spock have rubbed off on him far more than he cares to admit , and maybe that's where half of his wisdom comes from. He doesn't know where he hides it , and how it only comes up when he's deliberately not trying to be wise. He's passionate , that's what he hinges most of his leadership on. The passion he has is one that's contagious , one that spreads to the people he meets like wildfire. That , and just how much he cares for everyone he meets. Even if they betray him , even if it leads him astray - he cares. He loves. It is something that should have burnt him out ages ago , but that love is something that he cherishes more than anything.

It keeps him going , unlike the people he surrounds himself with. His relationships , being vulnerable with those around him , it's what makes Kirk who he is. He's an emotional man by nature , empathetic at heart. He cares more about the feelings of those around him more than he ever will himself. Maybe that is why he's so attuned to the constant arguments that surround him whenever Bones and Spock are around. Their two different viewpoints should make them incompatible : the Vulcan's insistence on repressing every emotion , the doctor's insistence that emotions couldn't possibly be more important. It's funny , how a passionate man like Kirk ended up being the middle man in a relationship such as this. He wouldn't have it any other way , though. It was like clockwork , how the three of them functioned. You couldn't have one without the others , you couldn't have the others without one. It makes him think , in the late hours of the night , lying on his bed awake : just how much he needs them , and what a shell of a man he would be if he didn't have them.

He snickers at that , softly , gaze settling on Bones' face. ❛ Maybe you're right. I don't know why it has to be me telling him to hurry up. ❜ Oh , he absolutely knows why it would have to be him. Spock wouldn't even listen to McCoy if he brought up anything regarding emotions. Jim , on the other hand , may have a fighting chance. As Bones finds his place where Kirk guides him , he smiles.

The hand resting on the doctor's waist gently tightens it's grip , fingers grabbing ahold of the shirt's fabric. It amazes him , that with how open he is about his emotions , how he feels , that nobody has picked up on how he uses his touch. How , once Jim Kirk grabs your hand , it's almost impossible for him to let go. Especially for the other two , the men that have the closest bond to him. Every time his hand brushes against Spock's , with every time he grabs Bones by the waist to pull him closer. It may just be Kirk being Kirk to them , but to him , it's an unspoken confession of his love. Love. He's a man who loves , and he loves hard. This is different , though. A love that takes him by the throat , choking everything out of him until all that remains is thoughts of his companions. Every time he runs into danger head first for them , it's an unspoken vow of 'til death do us part.

Kirk's eyes flutter shut , and yet he can still see Bones' face in his mind's eye. Every detail - the blueness of his eyes , the gap between his teeth. The doctor may have reduced Kirk's comments earlier to only be a symptom of his wanton flirting - but he meant what he said. Bones is one of the most beautiful men he's ever met in his life. It scares him , though. That he can close his eyes and see the faces of those he loves. That's why he hasn't confessed , yet. He's not scared of the rejection ― if he was , he would've confessed ages ago and gotten it over with. But no , he's scared of what will happen if he gets rejected. If he tells them , they may just up and leave , disgusted that their best friend feels something more. He can't live without them. He fears what it would be like if he closed his eyes and saw their faces , but when he opened them nobody was there. His face twists for a moment at the thought , eyes squeezing shut. Mm. Not great. He focuses instead on the pressure on his shoulders , knowing now that Bones was there , he would still be there , when he opened his eyes.

Slowly , his eyes open , and he smiles. As if he were just thinking. ❛ It always comes back to logic , Bones. I certainly wouldn't be surprised. ❜ He murmurs , quickly shaking his head. Trying to shake off the creeping feeling of the inevitability of being alone.

[ceterisparibus116]

For the asks: Favorite quote and a character everyone else loves that you hate.

Thank you for this ask! It led to, uh...a lot of introspection, as you'll see.

Favorite quote: “You don’t get to destroy who I am!” I discussed more in another ask why that’s my favorite (I think), but in short, I read that line as Matt reclaiming the value of Matt Murdock after an entire season of trying to just be Daredevil.

Character everyone loves but you hate: ooh, spicy. ;) I don’t think I hate any character; I see the value all of them bring to the narrative, even if some aren’t my favorites. But I’m gonna take this a slightly different direction and talk about a character that I think I’m more critical of compared to how the rest of the fandom views them. And that would be Foggy.

Disclaimer: THIS GETS LIKE SUPER LONG AND SUPER PERSONAL GUYS, HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY LEARNING A TON ABOUT ME.

*buries face in hands*

Don’t get me wrong, I love Foggy. Foggy’s a brilliant character: comedic, but also competent, and able to influence the plot and have emotions and reactions that feel genuine to him. And not only is Foggy a great character; he’s a great person, too. He shows over and over again that he’s willing to get out of his comfort zone (with only mild complaining) to help people. He’s creative and persistent in how he encourages those around them, especially Matt who is kinda a walking cloud of broodiness sometimes. And although he walks away from Matt twice, he comes back, and clearly tries to be a loyal friend. Murdock without Nelson is just wrong. A huge element in my Ella series is focusing on Matt and Foggy’s friendship and how both of them can treat each other better.

But I have two serious objections to Foggy:

His (apparent) inability (for the most part) to see things from Matt’s perspective; and

His (apparent) inability to take responsibility for and control over his own emotions.

Before I unpack that, let me explain why I think I’m so critical of Foggy. I think it’s because, although I relate to Matt more in terms of personality, I relate to Foggy in terms of privilege. I, like, Foggy, come from a solid, stable, supportive, and overall loving family. I’ve been through hard times, but only one situation that I would deem “traumatic,” and that didn’t happen until I was 20 years old, so my formative years weren’t affected by trauma. This means that the way I grew to see the world (and my place in it) was marked by love, not fear or anger or anything else.

At the same time, I grew up trying to help my friends with their traumas, some of which were horrific. As a kid, I was put in the position of basically being my friends’ therapists despite the fact that I was woefully unqualified. (And I don’t blame my friends for this. I understand why they couldn’t tell anyone else.) Naturally, I got a lot of things wrong and made a lot of mistakes.

One big mistake was imposing and projecting my expectations of what “healthy” looked like onto my friends: both the ultimate end, and the steps necessary to get there. This was done from a place of compassion – I was genuinely freaking out over the ways they would hurt themselves. But I didn’t see things from their perspective. I thought I got to decide what was best for them. As a result, I made them feel hurt and judged, and at times I stopped being a safe space until I slowed down and took the time to understand their perspective, with their premises and worldviews, even if some of their premises were ideas I just didn’t think were true or healthy. But only when I first showed that I understood them could I really walk through their struggles with them. And only after I walked alongside them was it appropriate for me to give advice. Sometimes they listened; sometimes they didn’t. But that was okay (impossibly hard, but okay) because the point wasn’t about me fixing them or saving them from themselves. The point was about being there for them. Those experiences have been absolutely foundational for me, shaping both who I want to be as a lawyer specifically and who I want to be as a person in all other relationships.

(An idea I love to remember is: empathy is not endorsement. I can understand you without agreeing with you.)

Another mistake I made was letting my emotions dictate how I saw the situation (and, sometimes, how I treated my friends). When my friends ignored my advice or didn't tell me things until after their choices had blown up in their face, it felt like they didn't trust me even though all I was doing was trying to help them. I also was genuinely terrified for my friends’ safety, and I felt incredibly frustrated and helpless because, as far as I could tell, I was objectively correct that their behavior was dangerous, and they still persisted in doing it. And when when my friends made choices that terrified me to the point that I couldn't sleep, and I'd told them this, and they kept making the same choices...well, what else was I supposed to believe except that my friends don’t care about how their choices effected me? Emotionally, I was a wreck. And sometimes I vented those emotions on my friends just because I didn't know what else to do or how else to get them to listen.

But I had to learn to be responsible for my own emotions. Sometimes that meant setting better boundaries. I’ve gotten some distance from friends when I realized I simply couldn’t handle watching what they were doing while knowing that they weren’t going to stop. It felt like betrayal, it felt like being a bad friend, but it was the only thing I could do to make sure I was healthy enough to be happy (as well as to help other people in my life). And as I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve been able to increase my tolerance, so to speak, such that I can handle being closer to, well, trainwrecks, without getting emotionally wrecked myself. And when my emotions do get all tangled up in something, I know that the best thing to do is get some space to cool off if I can, and revisit the issue later. If I can't cool off, I basically have to decide which should be the priority in that moment: my emotions, or my friend. And I try, as much as I can, to prioritize my friend over my own emotions. My emotions can be dealt with later, but if I lash out when I'm in the heat of fear or anger, I could accidentally deal wounds that might last a lifetime.

And so, as I've grown and matured, I've realized two things:

Good friendship requires understanding the other person’s perspective (even if you don't agree!); and

I am responsible for my emotions and what I do based on them.

I don’t think Foggy has learned either of these lessons. And so I am continually discouraged (and frustrated, because tbh my default emotion is frustration when something isn’t the way I think it Should Be) with Foggy.

See, unlike Karen, Foggy has no experiences that we’ve seen that let him innately and automatically understand Matt’s perspective. He doesn’t have a history of being rejected by those he loves and trusts; he hasn’t been shown over and over again (like by Stick, by the Catholic Church, even maybe unintentionally by Jack’s focus on the value of work) that his value lies in his skills and accomplishments rather than who he is as a person; he certainly hasn’t been repeatedly warned that everyone he loves will die; and as far as we know, he hasn’t even experienced the death/loss of loved ones. Certainly not to the extent Matt and Karen have.

So from the beginning, Foggy is at a disadvantage in helping his friends, the same way I was as a kid, simply because he has such a different perspective on life. To him, things are very simple: “Recognize that you’re not the only person trying to help people, and prioritize your own wellbeing.” Oh, and “Be honest.” For Foggy, I doubt either of those things are even very difficult; in fact, it seems that everything in his life has made those things quite easy. But he fails, over and over again, to actually understand how hard that is for Matt. He fails to understand why Matt can’t (and in some instances won’t) just change to fit what Foggy thinks is right and healthy.

As I’ve said in other posts, I don’t believe Foggy really understands Matt. He understands his version of Matt, the Matt he met in law school. He doesn’t understand who Matt really is: Matt + Daredevil. This is evidenced by when he insisted in Season 2 that Matt and Daredevil weren’t “always” the same person, despite Matt telling him otherwise. Or maybe you could say he only said that out of anger and didn’t mean it, but I honestly can’t think of a single point when he affirms the importance of Daredevil to Matt. He acknowledges the importance of Daredevil to the city in Season 1 (“Go be a hero!”) and he acknowledges the importance of the armor when he brings Matt the armor in Defenders, but other than that…. Even in Season 3, his focus was basically getting Matt to be Matt again, which is valid and needed, but what about still letting Matt be Daredevil? I just think Foggy would be happier if Matt just hung up the mask for good, and I can’t think of anything he’s done to suggest otherwise except that one line in Season 1 (which is quickly undermined by…well, all of Season 2).

My question is, has Foggy thought about what it would like for Matt to hear the city’s screams and have the skills to do something about it, and yet not take action? (Which, according to the comics, is literally and explicitly Matt’s greatest fear.) If so, has he ever shown Matt that he understands that? I just…I don’t see it, guys. Maybe would’ve gotten that in Season 4, and that’s certainly something I’ve tried to incorporate in my fics. But I don’t think we’ve seen that in the show. And until that happens, I simply can’t speak of Foggy with the glowing words that much of the fandom uses to talk about him.

And not only does Foggy not understand Matt, but Foggy takes Matt’s difficulties personally! As a result, Foggy's emotions essentially dictate whether he treats Matt well or poorly. When Foggy feels happy and/or calm, he and Matt are friendly like they were back before Foggy found out about Daredevil. But when Foggy gets scared or angry, he lashes out and blows up (and, of course, Matt shuts down).

See, Foggy's conflicts with Matt keep circling back to how Foggy feels. He feels betrayed and lied to, he feels afraid Matt will die or that they’ll lose the firm, he feels frustrated that Matt keeps doing the same things. Although those feelings are valid, they’re not the only consideration. Matt’s feelings (like the feeling that his failure to stop someone from getting hurt means the person’s hurt is his fault and the feeling that he’s worthless if he’s not protecting people as much as he’s able) also matter.

To be fair, I think Foggy’s emotions are genuine. I think it was inappropriate for Foggy to say he was scared of walking up Matt’s stairs to find him dead (inappropriate because Foggy used it as a weapon against Matt rather than just a statement of how he feels), but I think Foggy absolutely meant it. Foggy is convinced that Daredevil will kill Matt. And the thing is? Objectively? He’s not wrong to think that! He’s not wrong to be terrified of that!

But here’s the thing. Mature people feel emotions in reaction to situations, but they don’t let reactive emotions dictate their behavior. Have we ever seen an instance where Matt made Foggy angry or scared, and Foggy chose to wait until he'd calmed down before responding? I honestly can't think of one.

I mean, the mature thing for Foggy to do way back in Season 1 when he agreed that they could try to find a way forward with Matt being Daredevil was for Foggy to figure out what he is and isn’t okay with in terms of Daredevil – and then stick to that. Note: being okay with Daredevil requires, to some degree, being okay with Matt getting hurt. Maybe not beaten half to death, but hurt. Foggy has to be okay with that – not happy about it, but certainly not guilt-tripping Matt over it.

And yet what does Foggy do in the first episode of Season 2? Matt is bleeding a little (with no indication that it is a serious injury), and Foggy says, “I hate this.” How is that moving forward? And how is that in any way fair to Matt? Then later in Season 2, when Matt gets shot in the head, Foggy angrily tells Matt he should give up being Daredevil—which is definitely not moving forward. I get it: Foggy thought Matt might die, and Matt very well could have. But Foggy’s genuine fear is no excuse to basically order Matt to give up something so important to him, and it’s certainly not an excuse to do so in a heated argument. Foggy absolutely could have come back later and said, “Hey, can we talk about how concussions are a serious problem, and can we talk about the fact that I am terrified by the thought of you going out to face the guy who shot you in the head.” And if Matt’s being a good friend, Matt should listen and try to compromise. But instead of doing that, Foggy loses control of his emotions and blows up. Which, surely to no one’s surprise, accomplishes nothing except driving a wedge between Matt and Foggy, and (I believe) reinforcing Matt's belief that Foggy is better off without him.

Foggy’s got to be better. Do better. He’s a grown man and a lawyer, and he’s got to reach a point where he can logically and cognitively see things from Matt’s perspective and realize that, frankly, Matt’s struggles are about Matt, not Foggy. If Foggy can’t handle that, he needs to set better boundaries.

And so here is, ultimately, what I need to see from Foggy before I can enthusiastically join in the "Foggy is wonderful" discourse (and before I can really ship Mattfoggy):

I need Foggy to accept that Matt needs to be Daredevil (and express that acceptance to Matt); and

I need to see Foggy deal with his emotions by either walking away to cool off, or choosing to prioritize Matt over venting his emotions at least sometimes.

Whew. All that said, I want to end on a higher note. One moment that I absolutely adore of Foggy’s is in Season 3 when he and Karen are grappling with the possibility that Matt will kill Fisk. Karen, being Karen, tentatively points out that maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. But Foggy’s the one who says no. He explains exactly what killing Fisk would do to Matt, and why.

Here’s why I love this so much: we know Foggy is against killing for his own moral reasons. But he doesn’t say “Matt shouldn’t kill Fisk because killing Fisk is wrong.” That would be, again, projecting Foggy’s perspective onto Matt. Instead, he talks about how killing Fisk would go against Matt’s convictions. Not only that, but he specifies that killing Fisk would go against Matt’s faith. Why is this so important? Because, as far as we can tell, Foggy is not religious! Foggy has no personal understanding of the Christian concept of redemption even for those who commit the most evil acts! There is absolutely no way that Foggy could reach this conclusion unless he well and truly saw things from Matt’s perspective. Not to mention, he was able to reach this conclusion despite feeling scared and hopeless. I love it. I love it so much.

All I want is to see more of it.

oh my gosh this was such a long answer for such a simple question I'm sorry

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter six - “lake, the sequel”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: reader seeks out bucky after his dramatic exit and they find themselves earnestly conversing... back at the lake

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this story is available on my wattpad as a bucky x OC fic @ / typicaldaze :)

He didn't like this feeling. No, he didn't like this feeling at all. He hated it, in fact. It was betrayal, bodily betrayal. He just could not sit in that room any longer or he would've peeled his skin off. His lungs felt as if they were bound with barbed wire and the state of his stomach had him worried he was going to throw up. Most of all he felt guilty. How could he have just stormed out of the room like that? She was going to hate him now. How could he let this happen?

He was thinking this over whilst sitting at the lake, hands in the grass, trying to distract the physical body from the mental cacophony he had just endured. He had somehow found his way there after leaving Y/N. These extremely unpleasant sensations were unfamiliar. Was he sick? Could he have been drugged? He was so confused. Bucky realized he seemed to be confused most of the time. Following that realization, he became mildly pissed off.

The super soldier stared out at the lake. It was a calm day, the water tranquil and clear. It was a stark contrast against his stress. He leaned forward and looked into the water at his reflection.

"Damn," he said out loud.

Is that really what I look like now?

His eyes traced over the long shaggy hair, dark under eyes, and the subtle but noticeable worry lines. This sight reminded him of when he broke the mirror at his old place in Bucharest. Now he remembered why. God, he looked as fucked up as he was. He leaned back and tossed a stone at where his reflection had been.

A deep sigh left his lungs, which were now conveniently working properly.

"Fuckers," he muttered, referring to the mercurial organs.

He had spent nearly two years alone in Bucharest, and he had grown accustomed to living in this new body. He was always on edge, that much he could tell. However, he was never too introspective; he never thought about his feelings or his behavior. All he was focused on was surviving. When there is more to life than survival, that's when things get complicated... not that they weren't complicated before. God, he was running in circles inside his own mind. His scarred and ruined and manipulated mind that resided in this body that was used as a tool for destruction and violence and death-

"Hey."

His head whipped around, startled out of his thought frenzy. Always on edge. Mentally, he shook his head in disappointment.

"Oh! (Y/N)!"

He stood up immediately. "Listen, I'm so sorry about before, I don't know what-"

"It's okay," she said quickly, holding up her hands. "Bucky, you do not need to apologize, everything is totally fine."

He was taken aback. Words didn't seem to work.

"I'm not mad if that's what you were thinking," she said.

"You're not?"

"No, of course not. If anything I was worried."

"I- Worried?"

"Yes, you were clearly in distress, and that room was the last place you wanted to be. I'm glad you found your way back here because you look much better now," (Y/N) explained with earnest eyes.

She could tell he was freaked out? She probably thinks he's insane.

"Yeah, I... I think I'm better now."

He was far from okay, but definitely better than before.

The psychologist sat down next to where he was standing. He didn't move, but looked down at her.

"I don't think it'd be wise to leave you alone here considering you're supposed to be in a session with me right now and you can't go anywhere without an escort. It would most likely lead to suspicion and then trouble you don't need. I'm going to stay with you. We can continue the session if you'd like, but if not we can just sit."

She said this all while looking straight forward at the water.

In all honesty he wasn't sure what to say, so he settled with a breathy, "Okay," before sitting down next to her.

"I'm getting the vibe that this is more of a just sit situation..."

"Yeah... I think I'm all therapy-ed out for today," Bucky said in a meek attempt at a joke.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a wide smile. He then realized that she didn't know he could see it, and that's why this smile seemed different. Most differents in Bucky's life hadn't been outstandingly pleasant. But this was a welcome different. This was a good different. It was genuine and unbridled. That was the most open he'd ever seen her.

Every now and then he forgot that he was a literal trained super spy. He may not have any PhD's, but he had his own way of reading behavior, cues, and subtleties. Perhaps he'd make an effort to be more observant. Perhaps he wanted to learn a little more about what else was behind this new different.

A few beats of comfortable silence passed before he heard the word again.

"Hey," (Y/N) started softly. "I'm sorry if I went a little too far today. I know I said our first session wouldn't be much, but I realize I was pushing too far."

"Oh, it's okay," Bucky replied, looking down at the grass between his knees. "I think it's more my fault anyway. It's not like the questions were super intense."

He let out a loaded sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Bucky it's really okay. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. This whole process is supposed to be based on your comfort levels and at your own pace. And there's nothing wrong with you. Your reaction was completely normal given the circumstances."

Bucky wasn't terribly familiar with reassurance. He turned his head, looking at her dead on. She was so genuine, like she knew all of what she was saying was the all encompassing truth.

Echoes of different combinations of "there's nothing wrong with you" and "completely normal" and "your own pace" flitted around inside him until they melted into a feeling he hadn't felt in so long: hope. It was horrifying... yet it gave him a kind of relief he didn't know he could feel.

The super soldier then realized that (Y/N) was looking right back at him dead on. He was about to stumble through some sort of apology for staring or thankful expression for her kindness, but he noticed that she didn't look like she was necessarily waiting for a response. She was just... looking.

Bucky tried to say something, anything. But he just couldn't seem to pull his eyes away. In this brief moment, he felt crystallized. His conscious, logical brain was somewhere far away, hypnotized by the stillness of the moment. It was only a few seconds, but somehow felt longer. These very few seconds of mental sedation were soon over.

Speak, idiot.

He snapped back to reality, suddenly finding himself inspecting at the grass below him.

"Thank you."

"Of course," she replied without missing a beat. Her tone of voice was water soft.

"(Y/N), do you... do you know what happened with me earlier?" he asked, cautiously. "Like, what was wrong- I mean, not wrong but why I-"

He sighed frustratingly, cutting himself off.

Her face was patient, but she was waiting for a description of something he didn't know how to describe.

"I know I said we were done for today, but I-I don't know how to explain it, and I want to know what it is," he confessed.

"I think you had an anxiety attack."

Anxiety? That couldn't be right. There's no way that could've been from being nervous.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Anxiety. It seemed as though you were experiencing high amounts of anxiety. Most people get nervous at times, but those tiny amounts are normal. But, some other people are a lot more nervous a lot more of the time. Sometimes, these peoples' anxiety can get particularly high and be so overwhelming that their body kinda takes over, and they can experience really uncomfortable physical symptoms, and this can turn into an anxiety attack."

"I thought I was... sick or... or drugged or something."

"Well, I'm almost certain you weren't drugged, and I'm pretty sure you can't even get sick."

"Oh."

He honestly didn't know what to say.

"Bucky," she looked straight at him again and he almost felt himself slipping. "In terms of psychology, a lot has progressed since the 40's. I'm not sure how anxiety was presented or studied then, but there's really a lot more to it than people think. And honestly, given your situation, it would be strange if you didn't develop an anxiety disorder."

Anxiety disorder?

"Anxiety disorder? I have that?"

"Well, again, I think we have to do more work to confirm, but that's what it seems like."

"I thought you said I had PTSD?"

"I do. I think you have both."

Christ.

"Wow, I'm a whole sack 'a problems, aren't I?" he chuckled, giving up on trying to internally oppose his short comings.

"You're not a problem, Buck. You had to deal with a whole sack of problems, though," she smiled.

The nickname didn't miss his radar. Was that the first time she's called him that? He ignored how he liked it.

"That's for damn sure."

They conversed for a while after that, and didn't seem to notice how late it was until the sun began to set. The ending day's reflection on the water created an aura so relaxing Bucky didn't want to move. But alas, reality calls.

(Y/N) stood up. "If you're not back soon, they'll start looking for you. We should probably get going."

Bucky stood up, too, following her request.

"I'll walk you back to your quarters," she offered.

And so they went, conversation continuing naturally, as if they were old friends. Bucky found it strange that someone he knew so little was so easy to talk to. He brushed it off as some inherent therapist quality.

He still found her hard to read although he knew her more with each passing word between them.

Despite all of this, the walk back, with cool air, a melting sky, and languid steps, was the best thing he had experienced since coming out of cryo. His memory may be spotty, and his mind may be rough, but this, this he was sure of.

[likeiwishiknew]

Azriel x Gwyn - The Jump

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29716227/chapters/73319802

He was not a fan of birthdays. 

He certainly never celebrated his own. 

But the Night Court, his family, enjoyed them plenty. Though, admittedly, they enjoyed any occasion where they could all gather together for good fun and good wine. 

Tonight was Nesta’s birthday, and Cassian had gone all out on decorating the House of Wind. Rhys had gifted the place to Cassian and Nesta in honor of their mating, but Azriel still kept rooms here. The pair had insisted upon it, saying that it was much his home as it was theirs. 

Azriel wasn’t so sure about that. Home...he didn’t quite know what that was supposed to feel like. 

He stood off to the side as he always did, watching the revelry. 

Mor was speaking to Emerie. There was an ease between them that he was quite certain he’d never before seen from the female who’d once consumed his thoughts. 

It was no question that Mor was beautiful. He would always acknowledge that, would always care for her, but after centuries of pining after her, he found, in recent years, she no longer affected him the way she used to. And in truth, he was grateful for it. 

Over the centuries he’d tried to convince himself to be content with what they had. That her companionship, her friendship was enough. But that was the thing about one-sided love. No matter how hard you might feign contentment at being able to remain by their side, a part of you would always hope for more. And a heart that yearned for someone who showed no reciprocation was bound to become bitter. 

He was no exception.

One would think it would’ve made him wise enough not to ensure he never fell into the same pattern again. But he damn near had. 

Elain Archeron was lovely, gentle, and seemed to have shared his attraction. 

She was also another’s mate. 

He and Rhys had almost come to blows over Azriel attraction to the middle Archeron sister. His brother had gone as far as ordering him to stay away. An order that had irked him and had the dominant side of him almost determined to go against his High Lord’s order, if for no other reason than to prove his will was no one’s to command. However, time and some distance had given him perspective. He’d come to realize that perhaps it wasn’t so much Elain that he wanted but the idea of her. The idea of belonging with someone so beautiful and soft. The idea of being made whole, the way his brothers had when they’d found their mates. 

That was what he wanted, to feel whole. To be unbroken. 

His quiet introspection was interrupted by a burst of laughter. His eyes darted across the room at the almost musical sound. He caught sight of Gwyn speaking to Nesta and Cassian. Her face alight with happiness.

He hadn’t seen her since their uncomfortable encounter at the shop.

The sight of her put him in good spirits. Until he noticed the excessive rosy tint to her complexion. It took him a second to realize the issue. 

She was drunk, or at least well on her way to it. 

What the hell? 

He headed to where she was, eating up the distance in a few long strides. 

Cassian was the first to notice his approach. His brother gave him an interested look. Perhaps, surprised to see him headed toward people rather than away from them. 

He came up beside Gwyn, something she would normally detect immediately. But with her dulled senses she took far too long to notice. 

When she finally did she only looked up at him in confusion, like she did not know who he was. 

“Are you drunk?” he asked concerned. 

A mischievous smile crossed her face, recognition in her eyes at the sound of his voice.

“Maybe just a tiny bit,” she admitted, raising her fingers to emphasize how tiny. 

Nesta spoke up, “It hadn’t occurred to me how low her alcohol tolerance would be. Though, in retrospect, it should’ve. I doubt she grew up drinking much at the temple.” 

“I feel great though,” Gwyn interjected. 

Cassian gave her an affectionate smile. His friend looked as though he found this amusing. Azriel did not. He wanted to insist she go rest and sober up, but he knew in his gut she would not appreciate being ordered about. 

“Perhaps, you should like to get some air,” he offered instead. 

Her smile grew wider and she nodded, “That is a most excellent idea.” 

She turned to Nesta and Cassian, “Would you the two of you like to join?” 

Nesta smiled at her friend.

“I think we’ll stay inside, mingle with the others. But you’ll be safe with Azriel,” his brother’s mate started saying, only to meet his eyes, “Right, Az?” 

He returned her stare, “Of course.”

Nesta gave an approving nod and took Cassian by the hand, leading him away. 

Azriel offered Gwyn his arm, uncertain she’d be able to make her way to the balcony without some assistance. He waited for her to scoff, offended, but she took it with no protest. 

He led her over to the double doors leading to the balcony and pushed them open.

Releasing his arm, she rushed to the edge. Her face was awash with wonder as she took in the light of the stars, almost as if seeing them for the very first time.

He quietly observed as she took a deep breath, taking in the cool night air. 

“You know I never knew how much I missed the sky until I saw it for the first time again after spending nearly two years locked away in the dark,” she confessed, a smile on her face, “I thank the stars, that I found the courage to meet Nesta and Cassian up here that first day.” 

He did too. 

In moments like this, he was in awe of her. This young woman, whose soul remained bright, whose heart still managed to be grateful, even after all she’d endured. 

Gwyn spun back around to him, “Shall we play a game?” she teased. 

He smirked at her, “What sort of game?”

“A trust game,” she hopped up onto the ledge, sending his heart damn near leaping out of his chest.

“What are you doing?” 

She stood facing him and shot him a playful smile. 

“Game starts...now!” she called out, letting herself fall backward off the ledge. 

Fuck. He cursed. 

He spread his wings and jumped after her. 

She was falling fast, but he was faster. He swept her up into his arms and pulled her close. Moments later, he had them touching down gently on the ground below. 

“What the hell was that!?” his voice near shouting. 

Gwyn tapped her chin in thought, “I believe humans call it a trust fall.” 

His brows furrowed in annoyance, “You could’ve been hurt.”

She stared at him, looking genuinely surprised at his frustration, “I only did it because I knew it was safe.” 

“Jumping off a balcony when you cannot fly is hardly safe,” he admonished.

“It is when I know you’ll catch me,” she all but sang back, grinning up at him. 

He fell silent at her admission. He wasn’t sure how to respond. 

So, he shook his head and changed the subject. 

“Let’s get you back into the house.” 

As he readied to fly them back up, she spoke. 

“About the necklace...” she started. 

He winced that the mention, uncertain he wished to discuss it with her in her current state or any state. 

But she was too drunk to pick up on his mood.

“I want you to know I was never angry I was...hurt some. But mostly I was...embarrassed...I think...I don’t...it doesn’t matter,” she trailed off, “I know you didn’t have ill intentions. I’m the one who made assumptions.”

He paused. About what?

“So it wasn’t you who hurt me. It was me. I - never mind, it is silly anyways.”

“No. It’s not. Tell me,” he insisted. 

She hesitated, “I was silly for thinking someone like you would like someone like me.” 

Her admission floored him. Why would she think that?

Any male would be so lucky to -

He stopped himself. He couldn’t have this conservation now. Not when she likely wouldn’t even remember any of this come morning. 

Tucking her close to his chest, he went ahead and winnowed them back upstairs. 

Gwyn glanced around, clearly not understanding how she’d gotten from one place to the next. 

“I’m taking you back to your room,” he declared. 

She shook her head, “You can’t enter the dorm area, priestess’ only.” 

Damn, that was right. Funny how she happened to remember that little detail. 

As though summoned by her sister’s presence, Nesta appeared.

“She’s a bit of mess so it probably would not be wise to bring her downstairs,” the female pointed out, “I’ll take her back to my old rooms, that way if she needs anything I’ll be close by.” 

“It’s alright. I’ll bring her,” he insisted. 

Nesta raised a single brow. 

“I want to make sure she’s fine,” he defended, holding the female’s stare. 

“And you don’t trust that I’d make sure of that?” Nesta returned, with the barest hint of offense. 

“I - Nesta, please, let me do this," he requested. 

She took him in with her all too seeing gaze. 

They stayed like that. Assessing each other, until she realized he wouldn’t yield on this. At which point, she only nodded her assent. He gave a single nod, passing her to take the stairs up. 

Reaching the room in little time at all, he opened the door - taking care not to jostle Gwyn in his arms. 

With steady footsteps, he headed over to the large bed. Kneeling on the edge, he laid her down as gently as possible. 

His shadows danced around her, kissing her skin as though wishing her good night. 

She curled up with his arm. He tried to pull away but she held on tight. 

“Gwyn, Gwyn,” he whispered, to no avail. 

He brushed back a strand of hair that had fallen into her face, and she nuzzled his hand. Her hold on him loosening. 

He was about to pull away again when she whispered his name, “Azriel.”

The sound was so faint he wondered if he’d imagined it. He stared down at her, trying to discern if she was awake. But she did not stir. 

His name on her lips brought the tiniest smile to his face. Carefully, he extracted himself from her hold and reluctantly got off the bed. Something inside him calmed at the sight of her peacefully sleeping face. He stared down at the hand she’d held in hers. 

“If there’s anyone who isn’t good enough, it’s me,” he whispered, eyes returning to her.  

He stroked her cheek with his thumb, “Goodnight, Berbara.” 

- - - 

Her head was pounding. 

She had a sour taste on her tongue, and she was unbelievably thirsty.

Turning over in bed, she opened her eyes. It took all of two seconds for her to realize this was not her room. She sat up and frantically looked around. Absolutely nothing looked familiar. 

Staring toward the door Gwyn willed herself to remember how she’d gotten here. 

She took a deep breath and counted down from twenty. By the time she reached ten, everything from the night before came flooding back. Her face heated from embarrassment. 

God, she could not believe she’d done and said those things. 

Glancing on the nightstand she realized someone had placed a jug of water there, along with a glass. She smiled at the thoughtfulness. 

Filling it to the brim, she took a large sip. When she suddenly remembered she had morning plans. 

With Azriel. 

Oh, gods. 

She was never drinking again.

For a brief instant, she considered not showing up. But that idea went as quickly as it had come.

She was a grown woman. She would not hide from her mistakes and avoid Azriel when he’d been nothing but good to her. Despite her ridiculous behavior. With that in mind, she jumped out of bed and quickly hurried back to her own room, to change out her clothes, before heading up to meet him.

Gwyn had just made it past the archway when Azriel turned. He looked almost surprised to see her. Which was strange because surely his shadows had warned him of her approach. 

He watched with keen focus as she approached.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” he admitted.

She met his handsome gaze head-on, “I wouldn’t miss this. I know how busy you are, and I’m the one who asked you to teach me the technique I found in the old tome.”

For a moment, Azriel said nothing. She started to grow a bit anxious, but thankfully he put her out of her misery. 

“Shall we get started then?” he asked. 

She nodded, getting into a fighting stance. 

And with that, they fell into familiar territory.

- - -

Any unease and tension between them had faded with each calculated movement.

He would have to leave soon. Spymaster business. Nesta mentioned it to her the other day in passing when she’d visited her in the library.

In one final attempt to take him down, she darted forward. But just before her hit landed, he stepped out of the way. Her momentum had her tumbling forward, but before she started to fall Azriel caught her by the arm and pulled her back.

Still off-balance, she didn’t catch herself in time and wound up crashing into his firm chest.

Palm pressed against him, she pulled back. Praying she managed to keep from blushing, she looked up into his warm hazel eyes. 

“Thank you for catching me,” she voiced, and then, remembering events of the night before, she added, “Both times.”

A smile slowly curved his lips. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “You’re welcome, on both counts.”

She knew she was doing a piss poor job of not blushing.

“Oh, also, I meant what I said by way. I know you giving me the necklace didn’t mean what I thought it did. So you don’t have to worry about me having any silly ideas.” 

Gwyn felt him stiffen. Turning her head, she saw his expression had shuttered at her words. Which left her a bit confused. 

Perhaps, her words hurt because they made him think of his own situation. How he pined after a female who already had a mate. It pained her to see him this way, but it wasn’t her place to address it. He wasn’t hers to worry over. 

“Right...well I should go. I mean, I know you have somewhere else to be and so do I so...”

When he said nothing to stop her. She turned to leave.

His voice was so quiet, she almost didn’t hear him, “Gwyn...are we okay?” he asked hesitantly.

She looked over her shoulder at him. She was the one who’d made a fool of herself yet he seemed to be the one beating himself up over his own mistakes. 

She smiled, meaning every word, “We’ll always be okay.”

~~~

Author notes: I thankfully have not been privy to much the fandom drama that apparently has been occurring as of late, and for that I am grateful. But knowing that it is happening somewhat inspired the ending for this chapter. The reminder that no matter the drama: We will be okay. I genuinely enjoy this series, and I obviously ship Gwynriel. But I know that at the end of the day, this is a work of fiction. We’re meant to get enjoyment out of it. Not start petty wars over it. Anyways, that’s all I have to say on the topic and I promise shall not bring it up again because I don’t like to invite negativity into my life. I hope you all enjoy the latest chapter, and if so do please like and comment =D

Bonus notes: 

Me: You’ve determined a schedule Cindy. Do not post until Saturday.

Also me: The world needs more Gwynriel / Azriel x Gwyn content now!

Me:...

Me: Random whims you win again! 

So yeah, let’s just say I’ll post once a week whenever I fancy the chapter complete 😆

~~~

@azrielsshadowsdanceforgwyn @bittermuire @ofstarsanddreams @corrdolium

@brucexselina @inejjg @rhysmoira @gwynnight @fairytamy @bluegold08 @amandapearls @highqueentaey @lioness-says @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens​

@my-fan-side​

[purplerose244]

My thoughts on Seabound!!! 🌊🌊🌊 (2/4)

SPOILERS ALERT!!!

For now, nothing to complain about! We got Nya, we got MAYA AND RAY, we got GILES PANTON BACK A LEGO SHOW!!! 😍😍😍

Of course now I'm definitely curious about what the story is really about, like I'm guessing Wojira will wake up at some point so... Great Devourer all over again maybe? 😅 Idk, for now I just wanna enjoy Nya having her moment 🥳

Alright, here we go!

GENERAL THOUGHTS

New alert for reader, during the Nexo Knights period I was and still am the hugest Clay fan. Now that his voice is in this season I might scream more than necessary... keep that in mind 😅

I love the humor in this, all random but still kinda clever 😂😂 Maybe I'm biased because I love Jay but still 🤷‍♀️

I really like the design of the marine world, very cool!! 🌊🌊🌊

I guess I'm not really seeing any big plot twist moment for now? Ninjago seasons have history of basing seasons on a "we need to prevent this event from happening but it will happen anyway", so I can see Wojira waking up no matter what 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if that will be shocking? Usually when this situation happen, someone makes a major sacrifice (Zane with the Overlord, sensei Garmaron with Chen, again sensei G with the Preeminent...). Maybe Maya? I DON'T WANT THAT 😭 But I am curious, everything is going nicely and I'm not sure what it will bring! 🤩 I'M EXCITED SO LET'S GO!!!

THE WRATH OF KALMAAR

So this is the name of Clay's new incarnation, neat! 👍

Okay really, for having a season lately the main character just can't help but be trapped by the villain: kinda Zane in the ICE Chapter, Jay in Prime Empire, Cole in Master of the Mountain... we can call it a tradition at this point 🤷‍♀️

Giant serpent, yadda yadda, I wonder if we're gonna address the Great Devourer at some point? Not mandatory, but the reference would be very cool 🤩

Clay's new incarnation is a prince I- *hyperventilates in awe*

Nya playing dumb lol, I don't know if that's personal experience as she used to get kidnapped a lot in the past or she just have too many idiots in her life 😂

ALSO ANOTHER BEST GIRL'S SMIRK

NYA YOU'RE TOO MUCH ILY ❤💙❤💙

Jay I love that you're so worried about Nya but maybe try NOT TO DIE? YOU'RE WITH LLOYD AND ZANE YET YOU'RE THE ONE GOING FOR THE SACRIFICE WTH?? 😱 But he's worried about his cool GF I kinda get it, also he didn't do it so good...

WHAT. THE. HECK.

WHO ARE YOU OH MY FIRST SPINJITZU MASTER YOU'RE ADORABLE I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU YOU ABSOLUTE CUTIE 🤩🤩🤩

So Giles is doomed to voice LEGO characters with daddy issues 😂 That being not having a dad at all or having one that is... a good guy? Idk he seems chill with the surface at first glance, I wonder what's the story of this family

Maya reminds of my mom, she also mentions her work a lot and I study the same thing. But she doesn't want to brag, it gets annoying but she just wants to give me advice. It's nice to see actually 👍 Also Ray reference NEAT ❤❤❤

Wow, if any child-parent couple of this show was doomed at going semi Emperor's New Groove style, I would've bet on Ed and Jay honestly 😅

Oh HECK yes I knew that with my water girls things were BOUND to get cool 😎 ... yeah I know where the door is *goes away*

JAY NO WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TRYING TO DIE STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! 😱😱😱

My GOSH that scared the crap out of me 😅 Jay honey we have too many deaths in this team, you're not helping... BUT YOU POWERED AN ENTIRE SHIP BECAUSE YOU LOVE NYA AND YOU DIDN'T DIE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BLUEBELL 💙💙💙

They were all so worried, I love this ninja family so freaking much 💜💜💜 Also better not tell this one to his GF 😂

And Bluebell?

Welcome to the "change eye color because of elemental power" team! WE GOT ANOTHER ONE I LOVE WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! 😍😍😍

Awww, Zane letting Jay be the captain, that was so cute of him 💕

Another great episode! Doing great so far but I still wonder if we got into the main story. Feels like there should be more, well we got time! Next one! 😊

LONG LIVE THE KING

Sooooo... that's one very telling title 😅 If we're going full Lion King on this one, I think I know where this is going 😵

Maya: Don't they know that metal taste terrible?!? (Again feels like Kai could say something like this 😂)

FINALLY NYA USING FREAKING WATER POWERS UNDER THE SEA!!! Thank you Maya for saying out loud what we were all thinking 👌👌

NINJA TO THE RESCUE!!!

Pff, okay, the fact that Kalmaar is all evil and cruel and then he gets startled like that, it's kind or adorable! 💕 Honestly Giles got such a deep voice, with Clay it was firm warm and reassuring, here we got plain devious and I ADORE it 😍😍😍

Maya come on don't doubt your daughter 😅 But I like her, and if she knew Nya they way we all do she wouldn't doubt that she could make it every time 😎

Yeah I was right, the king seems chill... oww I fear what's coming then 😳

Okay, so Kalmaar thinks that the world should go back to be lead by them like in the past, while the king just wants peace with the surface. And as we know, no drama no season so...

Yep, saw the death coming 😅

WHOA DID NOT SEE THAT LITTLE BLAME ACT COMING KALMAAR IS SO EVIL!!!... with a glorious voice but still (Rose focus on something that is not that godlike voice, you can do it 💪💪)

THE OLD ONE TWO I LOVE THIS SO MUCH COMBO ATTACK!!! 🌊❄🌊❄

Awww Benthomaar is actually really cute, he's so worried about his father 😢 And he's adopted apparently? I wanna know the story!!! 🤩🤩

Yep, there's the reason why Zane got a mask even though he doesn't need one, it completes his attire 😂😂😂 My gosh how I love this nindroid ❄

Did... did Jay just say phooey? Dude Ducktales ended a while ago but I'm still not over it 😭

I said it once before I'll say it again, Ninjago is really REALLY good at making death scenes. Like, omg, I genuinely felt sorry for them 😢😢 I also really liked that the king didn't ask to be avenged, he still wanted peace and he asked his son to protect the ninja and he cried actual tears...

MY HEART WTH 😭😭😭 So we're adding this to the real tears moments of the show, with Jay crying over pie, Zane with the flashback of his dad, Jay crying over Nya and Lloyd thinking the ninja are gone... my world this show is angsty 🙂

Third startle for prince Kalmaar, I love the gag 😂 Oh wait, king Kalmaar 🤷‍♀️

Okay, we got a coup, the ninja running away because they got framed, Benthomaar is most likely going to join them or at least help them, I guess Wojira will come out at some point while... Kai, Ray and Cole are still playing videogames? 😅

THIS IS GETTING COOL I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT AAAAHHH HECK YES THERE IS THE HYPE!!! 😍😍😍

Although I hope we get more stuff with Nya and Maya, that's what I like 🤩

ESCAPE FROM MERLOPIA

I'm good at English and I can follow most of it, but the fantasy names are tricky so I didn't get before that this was the name of the place 😅 It's nice, at least it's not another Atlantis 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

LLOYD I SWEAR TO YOUR GRANDPA IF YOU TRY TO DIE AGAIN 😱

NYA YOU ARE NOT A GOOD SUBSTITUTE NONE OF YOU ARE OMG 😱😱

Ah, there he is, my new son Benthomaar 💙 He is so lovable already, I know nearly nothing about him and I like his character already a lot! He could relate with all of the ninja really, but maybe with Jay the most? They were both adopted after all 🤔🤔

*scribble note for a fanfic for later if this doesn't come up in the season*

Alright moving on 😗

I am so happy Nya gets a season, Kelly got a great emotional range that doesn't come out often in my opinion, but with a full introspection of water goddess we are all blessed by her voice acting 😍

Gotta say, admitting that Bentho didn't have to help them to answer the usual 'Can we trust him' question is pretty reasonable, like, better than other stupid answers 😅

Also don't mind me

Just screenshotting by ship 💙❤💙❤

Somehow lately we are letting Jay do the talking and I both hate and LOVE the fact 😂😂 Plain Bluebell nonsense, heck yes that's my jam👌👌

MAYA IS SO COOL OMG 🤩🤩

I literally can't not laugh at the startle gag with Kalmaar 😂

LLOYD WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT SELF SACRIFICING!! PLEASE IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR SEASON!! 😱😱😱😱

Aww Jay is still the Captain, nice! Wonder if it's giving him Skybound flashbacks... I hope not considering all he went through that time, poor Sparky 😅😅

ARE THOSE LITTLE WU ROCKETS?? 🤯

Can we skip a season and hang out with Pixal one time? I really wanna know how she organizes her free time to create these things 😍😍😍

THANK YOU LLOYD FOR NOT DYING ONCE AGAIN, MUCH APPRECIATED!!! 💚💚💚 My green bean needs a vacation... they all do 😅

THEY ARE

SO BEAUTIFUL 💙🌊💙🌊

Alright, back to the island hoping Kalmaar will not track us and follow us so he can get to the place and discover the amulet 🙂

Are we not calling the others? I miss my flame babe and Rocky ❤🖤❤🖤 Also RAY WATCHA DOIN I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING 🤩🤩

THE TALE OF BENTHOMAAR

Wait what? Shark boy backstory? SHARK BOY BACKSTORY?!? 👀👀👀

Wow, I see that Kalmaar didn't change a thing growing up, still the same gonna-be-a-villain 😂 Of course his voice got a lot deeper and cool and okay you know I love his voice moving on

I find it kinda funny that Kalmaar is so focused on royal blood and superiority, while Clay was basically a farm boy who worked his way up. Giles knows how to get the character no matter what 😍

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

BABY BENTHOMAAR AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

The king seems like such a good pers- fish- creature 😅 Now I'm double sad that he died, my world, why do I always care so fast, it's not healthy in this show where everyone could die 😰😰

I'M SORRY IS THAT KAI'S HAIR??? 😂😂😂 I LITERALLY CAN'T LOOK AWAY WTH I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

Literally every frame of Benthomaar makes me love him even more 😢

Interesting that we got an academic villain, he kinda reminds me of Clouse in a way, maybe even Harumi since she studied her way to her plan as well? I like that we got a bit of personality too!

Using your little bro for your own purpose... it's very evil but kinda also brotherly like 😂

Benthomaar really gives me that very PRECIOUS vibe, kinda the perfect son but also a naive and unaware BABY 💙

LEGO HUG 🤩🤩 Not exactly reciprocated but still 😅

Ooohhh, so this is how he found the temple! I like this, it shows that Bentho is most likely physically stronger than Kalmaar, while evil brother is focused on brain and studies. They are planned differently, I like it! 😚😚

Ouch, peer pressure... sibling pressure? Eh you get what I mean 😂

POOR BENTHO 😭😭😭 YOU GOT THE NINJA NOW DON'T WORRY WE'RE NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE YOU PRECIOUS SHARK BABY!! 🦈🦈🦈

Bentho: will I really fit in with you guys? Do you really understand how I feel?

Lloyd: Jay was adopted, Nya's parents were gone most of her life, Zane lost his father while mine turned evil

Bentho(tearing up): yeah that can work

Okaaaaayyyyy, I like that we got a bit of backstory for Bentho too! We didn't get much for Vanya in Master of the Mountain, which is the only thing I was sad about (very little detail, AMAZING season 🖤🖤🖤), nice to see it here!!

But I really want more Nya and Maya interactions, I hope we'll soon get to them again!! 😍😍😍

Alright, getting somewhere here! I'm very curious about what's next 🤩🤩

[thatwasthenightthingschanged]

so, I personally think The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky is one of the best (if not the best) teen book of all time and in general just one of the best books out there and I’m tired of it being slandered as “pretentious” so here’s a list of reasons why it’s so freaking good:

first things first, I feel like Stephen Chbosky is one of the few (adult) writers who truly gets what it’s like to be a teen. some writers pretend teenagers are unknowing little kids, some do get closer to what the reality looks like but he just. went all in. Charlie has so many of the typical teenager experience while also being a really deep character who has profound conversations about his friends but sometimes also just gets really high

Charlie in general is one of my favorite fictional characters ever. as a teen, I was struggling with similar feelings as him, and I felt so undersood by him. like how he would sometimes just spend hurs looking at other people asking himself what their life might be like. how he is painfully awkward and doesn’t know how to tell a girl he actually doesn’t like her that way because he doesn’t want to hurt her. how he literally says he doesn’t want to be dead, he just wishes he could fall asleep for a little while. the way he so deeply cares about his friends even if he sometimes goes about it the wrong way. and so much more

the quote “we accept the love we think we deserve” has literally changed my life. like, I think it’s so true and oftentimes when I looked back on toxic people I couldn’t let go I would think back on this quote and be like. oh. yeah. it makes sense.

the fact that I’ve read the book over five times now and watched the move like 20 times and every time I still find something new and intriguing about it. like, it just never gets boring

the first time I read it was when I was 15, like Charlie, and I felt really down and sad all of the time and this book gave me a sense of hope. Like, maybe not everything will be perfect one day, but it will get okay, eventually.

I just generally like the message it carries about mental health. I literally have the quote “So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. Maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even though we can’t choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” memorized. Whenever I experience a difficult time, I remember this quote and know that yes, what is happening to me is shitty and I can’t do anythign about that or what has been done to me in the past and traumatized me but I can still choose how I want to proceed. I also love the notion, as I said, of “we can try to feel okay about them”. like, I don’t even have to feel happy about my life. Maybe okay is enough. Okay is achievable.

while we’re on the topic of its messages, I also like that it tackles the issue of feeling as though you cannot complain about difficult stuff that’s going on in your life because others have it worse. Several of my friends (as well as I once) struggle with reaching out to others because we think our problems are not worth talking about. I really like that Charlie concludes that yeah, there will always be people who have it worse but that doesn’t make your struggle less valid. If it’s difficult for YOU, it already deserves to be talked about.

quick not-that-serious note but THE MUSIC? okay that’s not so prominent in the books but Charlie’s music taste is just. impeccable

(SPOILER) I love that the book talks about sexual assault both on men and women. Sexual assault is still a topic of taboo, but definitely was even more so one when the book was released. And it also tackles it in such a good way imo.

LET’S TALK ABOUT PATRICK. I love how the book and Charlie don’t make a big deal out of Patrick being gay. I mean this book was written from the perspective of the 90s, still the author chose not to focus on homophobia towards Patrick, but rather on how he’s a normal person and just wants to love and be loved like everyone else, and everyone in his closest circle supports him wholeheartedly.

one thing that is diferent from the movies which I love about the book is its talk about masculinity. In one scene in the book, Charlie remembers how his father went into the kitchen and cried after watching the last episode of M.A.S.H.. He teaches his sons that crying in public is not acceptable and I love how the book discusses the negative influences of toxic masculinity on men and how it might lead to them feeling as though they cannot express their emotions, ever.

another scene I love in the book is when Charlie talks about his grnadfather and how he grew up poor and wanted his daughters to do better and so he slapped them if the got bad grades. I also love the introspection of his grandfather and how he recognizes that some of that might have been the reason why Aunt Helen turned out the way she did. The book also talks about Charlie’s dad, and how his father was abused by his father as a kid, and as a result he promised himself to never do physical harm to his kids, ever.

another thing that I found really relatable is how Charlie is constantly not really there. He either, as I’ve already mentioned, wonders what other people’s lives might be like or thinks about how someday all of what is currently happening to him will be just a story, and that also prevents him from really being there. I am definitely guilty of that too and sometimes I have these moments of coming back down to earth and realising that all this time has passed and I never really participated in life.

honestly I could go on and on (for example about Sam and the discussion of making onself small so that a love interest might like you, or his sister and her abortion, etc etc) but I’ll stop now. All of this to say is that The Perks seriously improved my life massively and I think it’s not only relevant to teens but also adults, since it tackles a lot of big life questions in such a good and valuable way. I actually find it far from pretentious and rather a very realistic depiction of so many people’s life and mental issues and undermining the way it has genuinely improved other people’s life is shitty and I think people should, just, stop it. Just because it’s a teen book doesn’t mean that it cannot be good

[buckys-arm-and-rios-dagger]

Alright, look. Because of the truly exorbitant amount of Bucky/Sebastian Stan content I put on this blog I'm gonna make one post re: the most recent controversy because I feel it important to do so. Just bc I like him and the character he plays in the MCU does NOT mean I think he's immune to criticism. That said, reblogs and replies are turned off because I'm saying my one piece on the matter and have been having a string of real, genuine good days recently which even on meds doesn't happen often and I don't owe a single one of you on either side of this my mental health over a subject matter I really just don't want in my head any longer than it needs to be in there tbh

Also I'm doing this in bullet points bc that makes sense in my head and also am on mobile so can't put a read more on here so I'm sorry in advance for the wall of text. Without any further ado, let's unpack this.

Full disclosure: I am a 23 year old individual who did watch the series not knowing until after that it was made without Pamela's consent, only watched it bc Seb was in it, and was only tangentially aware of who the titular characters were (like I knew Baywatch and Motley Crüe and had heard Pamela's name before but like I knew nothing about any of it). I was born like 2 years after everything with the tape in question went down and really knew nothing about the situation with it. Thats not me trying to defend anything, I'm just laying everything out ahead of what I'm about to say.

So like most people at this point I read his insta post and I personally, GENUINELY think he did write it with the best of intentions. I don't think he was trying to be outwardly malicious or drag Pamela into it or invite harassment of her or anyone tbh. And like, dude got nominated for an Emmy, odds are he probably wrote it the midst of or coming off of a lot of excitement and probably wasn't thinking clearly. God knows I wouldn't be if I was in that situation

HOWEVER

This is NOT me excusing it as "well we all say dumb shit sometimes". Because that would be bad imo. Actors are not infallible or immune to criticism just because I like them imo. I'm currently going through a similar thing with my feelings on John Mulaney but that's a rant for another day and another blog.

Like I said, I don't think his intentions were anything other than good, and that he was trying to be genuine

That said I am a firm believer in the idea the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and that when you are a part of that you do need to own up to it.

His tagging Pamela (and Tommy for that matter, but for different reasons) was definitely a bad move, and the post overall read as extremely tone deaf. Like. Royally so.

And I definitely think the response to it, while a little harsh in some cases, isn't undeserved. What he said was a bad take and really poorly worded, and he needs to be called out

And I do hope he addresses it and apologizes in a meaningful way and does some introspection. But also I know there is a crowd that no matter what he does they'll say it's not good enough because there always is.

And that's NOT me saying every time a celebrity apologizes and people say it's not good enough it's undeserved (if I had a nickel for every Notes App Apology™️ one has made that was DEFINITELY not enough I could pay off my student loans)

And it's a valid take, people can do what they want. I don't expect to sway anybody.

But also I dunno. I don't think he's exempt or immune from criticism because he's famous or my celebrity crush or anything like that and I do think he needs to be held accountable for what he said and needs to address the backlash

But also he is a human being and human beings fuck up sometimes.

Both of these things can be true and not cancel out the other imo.

I do think the 'if you still support him you support abusers and seb needs to be blacklisted in Hollywood' takes are a little fuckin much honestly

But also the fans who are just sweeping this under the rug and dismissing it as 'everyone hating for no reason' also need to take a long hard look at it because what he said is kinda messed up seeing as he was talking about consent and exploitation whilst profiting off of a show made without consent about a victim of exploitation is Not Great

And like. You can like someone and acknowledge that they did a shit thing. These 2 things can coexist.

But also this isn't me trying to be some faux intellectual claiming moral superiority because I'm in the gray area or anything

I'm a Literally a 23 year old barely out of college person on the internet with limited life experience who likes the MCU and majored in theatre, I'm not going to pretend I'm some final authority or expert on this

I'm just one (1) person saying I see both sides but also maybe both sides need to calm down a bit

I know I'm just a drop in the ocean of discourse and I'm fine with that

Basically tl;dr: I think what Sebastian said and that he tagged Pamela was messed up and Hope he apologizes in a meaningful way but also know that means different things to different people, I am the farthest thing from an authority figure on the situation and just decided I wanted to say at least something based on the content of my blog.

I'm never sure how to end of of these but this is the end

[relaxxattack]

(i dont care to do c! tags bc theres. so many characters. if i dont say cc! then im talking abt the characters) normally i am not one to think much about the syndicate bc outside of ranboo being there to protect tubbo the syndicate Frustrates me a bit but. if phil starts to realize just how fucked over tubbo got by schlatt being erased from the narrative (and especially how shittily techno has treated tubbo) then i really hope they lean into like. the fact that the syndicate may soon turn into phil, niki, ranboo, and possibly the mystery member (im including mystery member mostly because i think tubbo is on good terms with almost everyone except like. dream, possibly wilbur but we'll see, and like the eggpire ppl but none of them are likely options but it is possible that the mystery member could just be neutral) all like. wanting tubbo to be safe and phil is *just* reasonable enough that i think he'd realize how unfair it is for tubbo to have been subjected to so much shit just for techno to introduce even more fear and the need to hide in his life

like phil already keeps the bee duo marriage and michael a secret, he lets tubbo come over and while of course its mostly from the semi lore vibes phil seems vaguely fond of tubbo already (i dont think phil and tubbo have father/son vibes tho, more just like. tubbo is just That Kid that adults cant help but adore even though the kid will rob them of house and home. slightly amused elder watching a tiny fucking gremlin make sex jokes and talk about soviet russia), niki from what i remember still cares about tubbo (probably because she cant redirect any anger towards him without realizing how unjustified it would be kcnsks she can come up with excuses for hating tommy but tubbo didnt do anything that niki has a problem with outside of her maybe having a bad view on butcher army if she knows about it?), ranboo is. ranboo. i dont need to clarify. and then like said theres a very low possibility of the fifth member *disliking* tubbo or being unable to sympathize with him.

people talk a lot about how techno needs to lose in a way that he cant easily come back from without introspection and i think while the rest of the syndicate standing up for tubbo would increase technos grudge against tubbo initially its also like. something that i think would maybe force techno to see tubbo as a person because now theres nothing techno can box (haha gettit. tubbox tubbo in a box tubbo getting boxed into certain roles by people who refuse to let him out techno esp doin this teehoo) tubbo into that wouldnt just. acknowledge that tubbo is a person. hes not apart of the government anymore, not planning any failed revolution, the most negative title to his name is being one of the nuke makers but even then thats out of fear and safety and techno knows that. otherwise tubbos current crimes are nothing thats special to tubbo (like. stealing and searching for evidence in ppls homes and stuff, the latter of which techno doesnr even know about). right now tubbos a husband, a father, a friend, a kid, *ex*-government, a person. and just.

i think that with how much foreshadowing about tubbos execution no longer being a secret amongst the witnesses and tubbo himself and soon being something that people close to techno like phil and ranboo know about as well (in that i want phil to learn that techno did it and for ranboo to learn about it in general bc hes just biased enough for tubbo and just smart enough that i think even if somehow he wasnt told who did it he could figure it out), and with the fact that tubbos lore has been confirmed to now be something thats actively going to be played into? i think (or at least hope) that it might spur phil and techno into finally seeing tubbos side of the story (and probably also get into the possibility of tubbo opening up to tommy and ranboo but i do think realistically either tubbo will try to play it off/not truly open up about how much its effected him or tubbo will at first shut down or go into complete repression mode, especially if phil and ranboo get the story from other people rather than tubbo himself [but god do i hope they confront tubbo himself]. either those two or tubbo talks about his emotions through fucking snapping at something/someone like he did at quackity when reminded of his execution, which as long as its Not tommy or ranboo ill absolutely be cheering on him for)

which is all a very convoluted way of saying uhh. *grabby paws at the ccs currently involved in the arc of clearing up personal misconceptions about l'manberg (and especially tubbos involvement and how easily those around him judged him based off of their versions of the story)* tubbo lore? tubbo healing tubbo talking about his problems? characters learning to see him as a person and recognizing how traumatized he is and that hes not uneffected but actively repressing any effects? please? (also ending note as the cherry on top of this essay that im sorry for dropping into your inbox: im kind of glad that tommys healing arc and tubbos possible healing arc are going to happen at similar times but are still separate. something something its nice to see acknowledgement that tommy and tubbo wont heal in the same way and arent going to know how to help each other but theyre still going through it together. their arcs are intertwining without removing their individuality and as someone w major co-dependency issues its kind of nice idk. you can be there for someone and still acknowledge that you have your own things to go through too and that while you wont be alone you shouldnt force those around you to support you. the bench trio are all helping each other out of free will and genuine love for each other while still realizing they have some problems they arent ready to talk about yet that arent forced to the open because theyre all doing their best to handle each other with care and i just. bench trio my beloveds. the kids are alright.) -🎭🎪 (also as the actual end note if theres ever a need to refer to me as something other than the emojis mask or eyez works fine but the idea of my name being the emojis is also Very Funny to me so do what you will)

im working on my aperture camera college assignment rn and my brain is sort of fried so i dont have an intelligent answer, but i got the happy chemical reading this.

yeah. i think we all know here that my favorite character is tubbo, and i REALLY hope we get him addressing anything that’s happened to him in canon. pretty much all of what you said sounds very good. *grabby hands* spare tubbo lore? please? spare tubbo lore?

perhaps during the three weeks wilburs off in the fucking woods (/lh) we could have a the-others-find-out-what-happened-to-tubbo-(and in DETAIL)-arc. pleaseeeeeeeee and ty

[inkweaver22-blr]

Welcome to chapter nine! This one was meant to just be another filler with one of my own AU’s, but Tang just had to be introspective and have a moment of character growth. Hope you enjoy!

EDIT: This chapter has been edited to include some new info dropped on the same day I originally posted this! More info in the End Notes!

AO3 Link

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Scattered Cicadas - Chapter Nine: Rocks and Roles

Tang knows how to act. That doesn't mean he likes to play every part.

----------

Tang liked to think of himself as a decent actor, at least back in the original timeline. He had been part of the theater class in high school and telling stories required a bit of a dramatic flair if you wanted to keep your audience entertained. Convincing Pigsy he was a popular food critic hadn’t been too hard back then.

The many cycles he had been through had certainly helped polish his skill into a genuine talent. That one time where he and everyone else had been professional actors playing the roles of themselves from the original timeline as part of a show had especially allowed him to hone himself to a greater degree than before.

Being stuck jumping through time had practically made it a necessity.

It wasn’t that Tang enjoyed what was essentially lying to his family. It was more for their protection. He had almost broken the “No Interference” rule a few times when he hadn’t properly reacted to events that, while shocking or upsetting to his family, were simply part of his routine by now. He couldn’t allow the repetitive nature of the cycles to make him slip up and potentially cause more harm by being confronted by his lack of surprise or fear.

So he acted. He gasped at all the right moments or screamed in fear when in danger. Every laugh, every sigh of exasperation, every freak out over something related to Wukong was perfectly performed so as to not to raise suspicion. So long as the proper reaction occurred in response to the correct effect, everything went smoothly.

It wasn’t too hard or taxing as he never needed to fake his enjoyment of being around his family. Luckily for him, he also didn’t have to act exactly as he had been in the original timeline, or he may have gone insane from the monotony of it.

The cycles where his background was entirely rewritten were blessings in disguise, really. They were new. Fresh experiences for Tang to have and not have to work as hard to realistically react to.

He treated them like a method acting exercise. The new memories as part of Tang’s new backstory was the motivation for the ‘character’ he was playing. He didn’t have to fully adhere to them, but they certainly helped him play the role provided to him for the cycle.

He still disliked playing the villain however.

It happened a few times before already. The most notable had been when Zhu Bajie was in the role of Sun Wukong as MK’s mentor.

Tang shuddered at the memory of that timeline.

Saying that version of him had been unhinged was severely downplaying the many atrocities he had performed on both himself and others. Committing suicide to erase his name from the books of the dead, killing demons to absorb their lifeforce, and cutting open his own chest to manually insert the gem holding that lifeforce into himself for power were simply the tamer actions he had committed.

He supposed that heartbreak, jealousy, and internalized insecurities could drive even the most benign people to madness so long as they properly justified their actions to themselves.

It had been the first time in quite a while that Tang seriously considered intentionally breaking the interference rule and just running off to live in solitude for the entire cycle. Getting “redeemed” had been one of the most difficult things he had tried to pull off.

Tang dodged a swipe from the Monkey King’s staff as he was brought back into the present.

He was the villain once again this cycle. Luckily though, he was much less of a threat to his family this time around.

He was replacing Red Son as the demon child of Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan.

Tang, Son of the Earth.

He wasn’t the only one who was switched around. Pigsy, who went by Bajie, was a human who had become Wukong’s successor. MK was a boar demon who ran the noodle shop. Red Son was a scientist and engineer who frequented the restaurant.

It was almost an opposite reflection of the cycle he had just been musing about.

“You’ll have to do better than that, noodle boy,” Tang taunted as he swung his arms to pull chunks of stone from the ground, his hands and the Earth he controlled both glowing with a golden-yellow light.

He supposed that it made sense for him to have some sort of elemental power if he was this timeline’s Red Son. Earth fit as he had certainly mellowed out over the course of the cycles, becoming more focused and self assured. His original self would have most certainly been associated with air with how flighty he had been.

Tang made sure to keep his full concentration as he attacked Bajie. Earth may be the element of the sturdy, but it had the potential to be much more volatile than fire. It was easy to let loose and cause a catastrophic earthquake. It took precision to control smaller pieces of rock without causing too much collateral damage.

Bajie batted away the earthen projectiles with ease and rushed into an opening Tang had intentionally left. He had to do his best to not rely on the fighting skills he had from previous cycles and use only what his memories knew when playing a villain. Otherwise he’d easily beat the fledgling hero and that certainly would be treated as interfering.

Tang winced as the staff connected with his ribs and sent him flying. He coughed as he pulled himself up, holding his injured side as he glared at the now smirking Bajie.

“How’s that for better!”

“This isn’t over,” Tang cried out dramatically. He activated his powers, this time summoning a whirlwind of sand to teleport away.

Another scene as the villain successfully played out.

----------

Tang sat in his workshop, calculating the specific size of a rune circle he would need.

It seemed that similarly to how Red Son was a genius that incorporated magic into science, this version of Tang was one who incorporated science into magic. Not a big distinction, but important in how the process worked. It still took an impressive amount of knowledge on both subjects to work them together in the end.

Setting his pen down to take a break, Tang looked around as he stretched. He caught his reflection in a nearby piece of metal machinery he had been fiddling with and examined himself once again.

He didn’t look too different from his human self, his face remaining the same. His hair was now a dark brown with yellow highlights and his glasses were much smaller. The biggest difference were the bull horns sticking out of the side of his head.

He didn’t mind them too much, but having to give up any pull over shirt for button downs was a hassle.

Looking at his horns lead the demon scholar to think about his parents in this timeline.

Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan.

Tang frowned as he recalled the less than comforting welcome he had received after returning from his defeat. The disapproving dismissal from his father and scathing taunts from his mother had been demoralizing. It would have hurt more if he hadn't had the years of time jumping behind him.

If this was how Red Son was commonly treated, it was no wonder he worked hard in everything he did just to gain a scrap of approval and praise.

And yet he knew they loved each other. The moments he noticed didn’t happen often, but he could tell that his parents held some affection for him, and he obviously cared for them. He just didn’t understand why they acted so cruelly to one another.

Was it a demon thing? Were they afraid that by showing their love they were showing weakness?

That was certainly possible, but Tang disagreed with the sentiment. He had been through enough cycles to see that love made one stronger. It wasn’t the weakness their enemies thought it was.

Tang was already planning on becoming redeemed in this cycle. It hurt to think his parents would disown him, but what if that didn’t have to happen?

He thought about that one specific cycle and how he had become so twisted. All of it could have been avoided had his past self simply let go of his long held beliefs and went with Bajie.

Now he just had to make two powerful demons do just that.

Tang was an amazing actor.

He also had many years of watching the people around him and knew most of them almost better than they knew themselves.

His current parents were no exception.

He could see the potential for a loving and healthy family, buried just beneath the surface.

It would take some work, but he was sure he could unearth it and polish that potential until it shined.

With renewed energy, Tang pulled out a blank scroll and began planning.

He had a family to save.

----------

Welcome to what I’m calling the Noodle Swap AU! It is named that way because the only change is that the pairs that make up the two most popular noodle ships (SpicyNoodles and FreeNoodles) swap places!

Shout out to @winterpower98 for their amazing Actor AU and Dad Swap AU mentioned in this chapter! Go check them out!

Yes, yes, I know I’ve basically made Tang here Terra from Teen Titans. Most people would give him Air as an element, but 1) we already have an Air user in Princess Iron Fan and 2) Tang has changed quite a bit since the start of this Time Hopping experience, as he states himself in the chapter.

I do genuinely believe there’s a loving family hidden somewhere underneath all the cruelty the DBK crew throw at each other. It’s already been hinted that Red Son will get a redemption arc in the show, but I want one for his parents too.

That’s all for now! See you in the next chapter!

:IMPORTANT EDIT!!!!:

There's been a few paragraphs changed and added to include the new canon lore for Tang in the Dad Swap AU! Go check out @kitkat1003's absolutely ASTOUNDING work, When the Tide Pulls Away and the Earth Sharpens to Steel! It is INCREDIBLE and if it was finished, you'd absolutely know there would be an entire chapter dedicated to it here.

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[yikesharringrove]

PT. 1 this isn't really a headcanon cause its heavily based on one of my favorite fics from you- but steve and his mom had a good relationship for a while, he takes after her a lot and they got along (or at least better than the one with his dad) Or at least he thought, one night hes going out for a date with billy and his mom is home for some reason, he goes to say a quick goodbye and asks if she needs anything before he leaves but she is super drunk and just responds with 'I never loved you'

PT.2 and I think after that he just broke for a good week, like he shut down cause for the longest time his mom was the only person he had, he couldnt get out of bed or even dare go downstairs and look her in the eye cause he just feels so betrayed and disappointed. Billy and Robin had to come over regularly to keep him company cause steve just needed reminders just they still love him and people still love him

-

This is either modern au or no homophobia/steve is out to his mom au

-

Steve’s father hated how close Steve was with his mother.

Ever since he was a little boy, he was always trailing behind her, one chubby hand fisted in her skirt.

He would toddle up to her, a big smile on his face as he made grabby hands and said uppie, uppie Mama! until she picked him up.

He would sit on the counter of her large vanity, watching as she did her hair and makeup. He held her hand walking down the street long after his father deemed him too old for such nonsense, Steven.

He loved his mother.

Loved her with his whole damn heart.

He tromped down the stairs, shoving one arm through his jacket as he went.

“Mama, I’m going to meet Billy.” He poked his head into the sitting room. She was perched on the couch, glass of wine in her hand. Steve glanced wearily at the two empty bottles on the coffee table.

He didn’t like how much she drank. Knew it was because she was unhappy. And he never wanted her unhappy.

“You need anything while I’m out?”

“No, Stefano. Thank you.” He smiled brightly at her.

“Okay, well, I’ll probably be home late. I love you.”

Her eyes were glassy when she looked at him, cold and dead.

“Do you?” Steve’s smile slid off his face. “I think I loved your father once. It’s been a long time.” She always got like this when she drank, all introspective. “And I certainly never loved you.”

It felt like all the wind had been punched out of his lungs.

“Wha-what?” She sneered at him.

“See? Very stupid. Always so stupid.” His vision was beginning to tunnel. He felt like he was gonna pass out. She just turned back to the television, staring at the infomercials.

“You, you think that I’m stupid? And that’s why you don’t love me?”

“One of many reasons, Stefano.” She sipped her wine, not looking at him.

Steve fidgeted with the zipper on his jacket. She sighed.

“Must you be so infuriating?”

It was like being kicked in the stomach.

He thought they were close.

But she had been pretending all this time. Pretending to listen to him, pretending to care about him.

Pretending to love him.

He raced back upstairs.

He tossed off his clothes, tears in his eyes, and dived under the covers.

He curled up into a tight ball, stifling his sobs into his pillow.

-

Billy parked next to Steve’s car in the driveway.

Fucker had stood him up.

He figured he like, forgot they were going out or something, or got caught up watching a movie with his mom while she was still in town.

He let himself into the house, found his mom in the kitchen, washing a wine class.

“Hello, Mrs. Harrington. Is Steve in?” She smiled brightly at him.

“I don’t know where he got off to. Maybe check his bedroom.” She swept past him, heading for the master bedroom on the main floor.

Billy raced up the stairs, barging into Steve’s room.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the words died when he realized what was going on.

The room was dark, the curtains closed tightly, all lights off.

Steve was huddled under his bed covers, not moving.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, when Steve buried himself in his bed and couldn’t get out.

Billy sat down next to him, pet over where he figured Steve’s hip would be.

“Sugar, it’s me.” The little lump under the blanket gave a hoarse hmm noise. “You missed our date.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve croaked out from under the blanket.

“It’s okay. I know how you get.” It was quiet as Billy took off his shoes, sitting on the bed further. “Can you talk to me?”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Baby, I just wanna help you.”

“Can’t.” Billy sighed.

He was mostly just fishing to figure out if he had done something to send Steve into a spiral like this.

“Can you please tell me what’s causing this?”

“My mother.” Billy furrowed his brows. Steve always referred to her as Mama, talked about her like she hung the damn stars.

“What happened.”

Billy felt Steve shift under his hand, give a big sigh.

“She told me doesn’t love me. That she never has.”

“Oh, holy shit.” Billy was fucking gobsmacked.

Steve and his mom had always been really close. Steve told her everything, said she was probably the most important person in his life.

And she had pulled the rug out from under him and went to bed like nothing had happened.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Am I unlovable?” Steve’s voice was tiny. Billy’s mind was reeling.

“Of course you’re not unlovable. I love the fucking garbage outta you.”

“My own mother doesn’t.” Billy stood up, shoving himself under the bed covers with Steve.

He was curled in a tight ball, just in his socks and underwear. Billy wrapped himself around Steve as best as he could.

“I’m so sorry, Stevie. I’m so sorry.”

Billy had always kinda figured his mother didn’t love him. Figured if she left him with Neil there must be some disconnect there.

But Steve had felt loved by his mother. And apparently, it was all fake.

“I’m not faking anything. I really do love you, Stever.” Steve hummed. “I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a dick in my eye, or whatever it is.” He wanted Steve to huff a little laugh, maybe loosen up a bit, but nothing happened. “I mean it.”

He laid with Steve for a while, just tracing patterns on his skin.

-

“She told him she doesn’t love him. That like, she never has.” Robin’s jaw dropped open.

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah, right?”

“That’s fucked.” She shook her head.

Steve didn’t come to school today, and Billy had filled her in, wanted her to come over with him to Steve’s after school.

Steve was still in bed when they got there, didn’t move or make any sound when Robin pulled open his curtains.

“Hey, Dingus.” He hummed at her. “Billy told me everything.”

Billy sat down on Steve’s other side, patting his back.

“Did you get outta bed at all today?”

“Don’t wanna see her.” His voice was rough.

Robin fluttered about.

“I’m going to go make him something to eat. She closed the door quietly behind her.

“Have you eaten?” Steve huffed at Billy. “Right. Dumb question.” he tugged down the blankets to expose Steve’s head, brushing his fingers through his hair.

The product from last night had gone a little greasy.

“Robin’s making you some food. Because she loves you. Because people love you.” Steve remained quiet.

Robin came back quickly, turkey sandwich on a plate.

Billy manhandled Steve until he was sitting up.

His eyes were red and glassy, and he looked pale.

They sat with him as he slowly ate.

“Dingus, people care about you.” Steve gave no reaction to Robin’s words. “Sometimes the family you choose is just, better.”

He finally looked up at her, his bottom lip trembling.

“I just, I want my mama.”

Billy thought he was gonna start crying as Steve dissolved into tears.

He pulled Steve into him.

He genuinely had no idea what to do.

-

“He hasn’t left his bed in four days.”

He curled up tighter as he heard Billy on the stairs.

“We’ve been forcing him to eat.” Robin’s voice was there too.

There was a soft knock on the door, and a gentle weight on his bed.

“They told me everything.”

Joyce’s voice was soft in the darkness as she addressed Steve. “I’m sorry.”

He kinda wanted to cry, but it felt like he had no more tears left.

“I remember the first time Lonnie got mad at me. Got really mad. I felt like you do. Completely betrayed. Realizing this person, this person that promised to love me forever, didn’t. It felt like my spine had been ripped out.”

And Billy watched from the doorway as Steve actually pushed away the blanket, as he sat up to look at her. Eyes dull but focused.

“What did you do?”

“Focused on my boys. The people that I could say without any doubt that loved me. You’ve got a lot of people that love you, Steve. But I know it hurts, and it probably will for awhile.”

Steve’s eyes found Billy’s. Billy offered him a small smile.

“You’re not unlovable. She’s incapable of love. And that’s not your problem to fix.”

And Steve looked back at Joyce, and nodded at her.

Joyce smiled.

“How about you come over for dinner tonight? We always love having you over.” Her tone left no room argument as she stood up. Steve nodded at her, and actually smiled. Just a tiny thing.

“That’d be nice.”

[thevirgodoll]

How to get over someone when they are the only person around and you are literally lonely and alone without theirs presence? Or just how to not tie my happiness with a person? I’m really not doing good

It’s actually not as bad as you think to depend on yourself. Being self reliant means you can depend on yourself and as a result, other people will find you more pleasing to be around.

You have to become comfortable in your own skin and learn how to stop being emotionally dependent. If you’ve been in codependent relationships and friendships, this may be why you have thought 100% reliance on another person was healthy.

No friend or partner should complete you. You are a complete person with complete attributes, and so is another person. They should simply add to your life. That is it.

It’s not good to rely on another person for guidance, reassurance, and clarification all of the time. Doing so objectifies them and makes them a tool that can fix your every problem.

1. You are responsible for your own feelings.

No one else is responsible for what you feel. You have to take accountability. It’s not anyone’s job to serve happiness to you on a platter.

Letting someone else’s actions control your every mood is a recipe for disaster. It can make one thing the other person does ruin your entire day. You’re giving your power to another person, and this will follow you in every friendship and relationship if you do not take accountability for your own problems.

2. You are responsible for your own growth.

A marker of growth is introspection. The ability to self reflect is crucial to your growth, and if you are looking to other people to validate everything for you, you may never get where you want to go. You have to discover yourself on your own terms, and by feeding into another person, you don’t have time for yourself.

You’re the only you you’ll ever have, so to waste time projecting your desires and dreams onto someone else is futile. Other people have their own needs to fulfill. You have to reframe your relationship with other people and yourself. The expectations you have created with other people is quite unrealistic, because it’s not another person’s job to be everything for you.

3. People don’t owe you everything.

You have to learn that we aren’t inherently owed anything in life. People don’t owe you a response when you deem fit, for example. They have their own lives, and you have yours as well.

On another note, people change, and can become incompatible. No one inherently owes you anything, except respect and decency.

You have to be appreciative of things and people in your life and understand that every moment is valuable. This appreciation should never morph into idolization.

You have to learn to look inward for solutions, because you know yourself best. Over time, you should know how to solve your own problems, and you should know to look at yourself first.

Blaming other people will never lead you to a positive outcome, because you’ll be waiting for them to give you the perfect solution. Instead of waiting for someone else to show up for you, you have to show up for yourself and validate yourself.

4. Loving yourself is not a waste of time.

A waste of time is worrying about everyone else and what they’re doing. Most people are too busy with their own lives. You do not want to be emotionally dependent for the rest of your life, because you do not love yourself enough. By being emotionally dependent, your needs aren’t met and you fail to meet them as well.

You need to practice these things:

•understanding your needs and how you can meet them

•pampering yourself

•inspiring yourself

•embracing solitude and embracing self reflection

•allowing yourself to be vulnerable with yourself, free of judgment

•be compassionate with yourself

•know the difference between realistic desires and unrealistic desires

•learn to recognize infatuation versus genuine attraction

•learn to recognize fear of abandonment

•practice shifting your focus away from things you truly do not need

5. Let go of your need to control others.

Recognize that it’s okay to be angry with what has happened, but there is nothing you can truly do. You can either do something reasonable within limits to improve the situation, or you can accept it for how it is. Your need to control others can limit your requirement to take better care of yourself. Which leads me to

6. Take other people off of pedestals.

Looking at people from a view of idolization can do more harm than anything else.

Change your thought processes.

•”My problems aren’t as important” vs. “My problems are equally as important as theirs”

•”This person is probably always right so I’m wrong” vs. “This person is like me, sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

•”I am nothing without this person” vs. “They add something enjoyable to my life, but I believe in myself and I trust myself. If they leave, I will be okay with myself.”

Avoid idealizing anyone to a savior extent. Nobody is your savior, nobody needs to save you. Think of Cinderella by the Cheetah Girls.

You are rescuing yourself, you are making yourself the best you can. If you idealize someone, you escape reality, and that is something we cannot do. Wishful thinking sometimes can hurt you. The more you can do for yourself, the less you need others to do things for you - it’s more so an addition to your life.

If you find yourself interested in someone who shows little interest, engaging with someone who is emotionally distant, holding out hope for your idealization of who they are but they haven’t changed, or that you’re the only one doing anything for the dynamic, then you have to acknowledge the truth and take accountability. Let everyone be responsible for themselves rather than you taking responsibility for someone else. Don’t think in black or white and all or nothing thinking such as “If I don’t get what I want from them life is meaningless” just because of one person. You have to regard yourself higher than that.

You have to be determined in order to develop self reliance. It takes time.

Your job is to now:

•find things that make you feel good in life - new hobbies and activities

•accept that alone time is a normal part of life, and embrace it

•reframe your negative relationship with yourself

•learn to stop creating unrealistic expectations in your head of other people that cause you to need extreme amounts of reassurance and validation

•practice thinking rationally instead of extremes... “He/she broke up with me because I’m ugly...” versus “We broke up because it wasn’t meant to be. Now, I can work on myself and so can he/she”

•make a list of progress that you’re making, make a list of goals you want to achieve for yourself, make a list of things you want to change

Eventually, you will be so busy with yourself, you won’t have time to entertain ideas of “happiness being another person”. Cut out all ideas of this person, and let them live their life. Let go of any refusals to be happy. You have to tell yourself you’re going to do your best in spite of what may be happening. Go through my confidence tag and let yourself live! Be gentle, be kind, and know that it takes time, but it will be worth it.