#and i feel my memory has improved though that's probably more from quitting my meds that were giving me brain fog than the drug itself.

[teethcore]

i'm so jealous of everyone online who describes having breakthroughs while tripping and coming out of it with significant mental health improvements and whatnot. i feel very hopeful and confident about my future if i start introspecting while i'm actively high but it all goes away after.

[frostmoths]

Might regret posting this. cw alcohol, suicide ideation

Let me preface by saying I wrote this, and a much more emo version before, over the course of a week, and I’m feeling a little better now. It comes and goes. It's everything I’ve been handling since late May, and I want to open up about it.

I have extreme depression and recent happenings have tipped the scale to make me nearly non-functional. I started therapy and medication a year ago because of the world’s most passive-aggressive rejection. I’m way worse now. I’m on my third med and if what happened Sunday (I was very ill) was a side effect, I’m going to have to quit it too. I don’t believe in antidepressants as a cure-all and I’ve only been conceding because I’m tired of wanting to lay down and die. Not kms necessarily, just stop hurting. Though I’ve got like 10 bottles of various prescription insomnia meds which don’t do any good on their own, so maybe if I take them all at once

One weeknight in early June I tried to drink myself to passing out and forgetting what broke my heart. Instead I threw up and went to work the next day hung over. And it was an embarrassingly small amount to drink. Just that it was cheap and I had it on an empty stomach because I was too enraged to make dinner. I haven’t had alcohol since. I dumped out what was left. 

My idiot father, who has dementia, has taken to dragging his guns around everywhere because he’s paranoid they’ll be stolen, and gets angry if he's confronted about it. I’ve alerted several authorities but unless my mother complies, nothing will be done. She won’t because she’s also insane. In May I had a full nervous breakdown expecting me or my cats to get murdered. It was probably the breaking point for my short-lived girlfriend dumping me two days later. Once again my shitty family has ruined any chance of happiness for me. 

When I saw a pistol on his chairside table the other day, instead of blind panic, I felt nothing. I kind of hoped it was loaded and he’d do it, so everything would stop.

My new house is a shitshow and I got ripped off. I have approximately 6 hours a week to work on it and zero help so I’m still not moved in. At this point I hope to sell it after a couple of years of improvements (if I can afford them), get my money back, then maybe flee this godforsaken country and go live in the mountains in. Fucking Iceland. idk. My mother promised assistance for certain things and took it back because that’s what she does. I’m about ready to cut her out of my life.

I can barely eat without getting sick in one way or another. I no longer enjoy things like cooking, EDM, watching anime, and, worst of all, writing. Last month I started poking at [redacted]’s outline as a way to keep my head above water, only to realize it’s way more vague than I remember and that some parts make no damn sense. This is a thing I’ve been bragging about for 3 years as proof that I know what I’m doing, so I feel like a fool. I deleted everything I ever posted about it on my sideblog. I’m tempted to wipe what’s started off AO3. Tempted to delete the entire account tbh, too many memories which are too raw right now. I’m not a skilled writer and the pros (plural) were right to call me out on it last year. And this has been the one thing about myself I was confident in my entire life, that I was banking on making a career now that I finally, finally have my own house with peace and quiet, and now I can see I was fucking delusional. I give up.

My therapist says I have trauma and that I never healed from what happened in 2020 (not Covid-related). I can only see her every 5-6 weeks because she’s that booked. She said she argued with administration because she can't focus on her current patients but they keep throwing new ones at her. Kind of like my job. Everyone everywhere is overworked.

To cope I’ve been indulging in something that’s frowned upon — not a substance abuse thing, but an ethical thing? I guess? Among creatives. I don’t care because it helps me. My psych and my therapist both told me to seek supplemental therapy in between appointments. I think they had something more like b*tterh*lp in mind, but that’s a proven pyramid scheme so lol no thanks. Psychology books and imaginary friends it is.

My employer is closed today and tomorrow for the holiday, and I’m on vacation next week. Much-needed extended time off for me. If I don’t make headway on the house then I don’t know what. I didn’t want to spend my one week off a year moving in the middle of fucking summer during the worst heat on record. At one point I had much more pleasant plans but that’s no longer happening and I can’t think about it. I can’t, but I still do. 

I wanted this house to be my success story. Having worked hard, she rescued herself, escaped her toxic family with her fur sons and flourished creatively, healthfully, and romantically. All was well. The reality is that I was likely conned as a first-time single homebuyer and I'm so mentally ill now that I may not be able to meet the demands of maintaining a 70 year old house with nonworking appliances I can't afford to replace, let alone my own well-being. How did I get myself into this. 

There's one last-ditch effort I can make to pull myself through, but not properly until I move. It sounds like a lame excuse and it probably is, but whatever. Better later than never. However, I tried this last fall, went too hard too fast and burned out after 4 months. I threw a lot of money away doing it. I keep hearing push yourself, go intense, you'll never get there with baby steps but I also think you have to take baby steps if you're starting from zero because otherwise you'll burn out? I'm so tired of conflicting information everywhere. One tells me one thing, another says that's wrong. I can't trust anyone. 

There are a couple of other things I’m looking forward to trying more than exercise. Which are probably less healthy for me. Who is going to stop me. hashtag yolo

I keep telling myself it won’t be this way forever. Just like summer. It comes around once a year, it feels like death, and then there’s relief. But it’ll happen again and again. Just like summer. You have to adapt.

I'm glad pride month is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be so proud of.

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[delicateheartstranger]

March 16, 2020

Dear world,

This has been started actually on the 15th, but since it will take awhile to write out everything I will mark it the 16th. 

So here begins my crappy 2000s movie start of a blog. Unlike the movies where at some point my blog will blow up and my life will take either a turn for the worse or better I have nothing to fear because that was barely realistic even back then. Since I wanna make sure though just in case any chance someone who knows me finds this I will not state my name. I’ll tell ya’ll this, I’m 19 years old and will be 20 in October, I like fandom shit, I’m trans, I’m pan, I wish I could go back and kill baby Hitler so I would never be born and no ww2, I’m in love with one my best friends, I have feelings for a guy I met online that lives in Norway while I’m stuck in the U.S., I suffer from ptsd/depression/anxiety/a fuck ton of just not being mentally stable, live at home with my parents right now, have no job, most of my close friends are toxic, and I have no privacy.

I was at college for a few month, but then a bunch of things happened and I had to drop out. When I came back home my parents I feel resented me a bit for not being stable enough to stay at that college (they loved it and want to send me back) so now my home life became a lot worse. I’m in a php program currently so even if it weren’t for the fact that my parents would rather roll over dead than have me work (earn money to get the fuck out) I can’t get one since most conflict with time. I’m 19 and only ever held one real job because my parents claim the house needs to be clean before I can work. I’m not the only one who lives here, but okay. Also I would make less messes if I wasn’t home. Top it off it’s like “we don’t want you working for other people before you do the work you owe us at home.” They have this whole family first idea, but the thing is I don’t feel a part of the family. They decided I had no say when I was younger when moving far from home, I wasn’t a part of it enough to get attention while my brother was sick, I wasn’t a part of it enough for them not to judge me to the point where I quit lots of things I loved just so they’d stop hurting me, I wasn’t enough a part of it that they would do things for me that would be what “family” does.

So yes I will put myself aka my mental health first because you guys never will. Because of the Corona outbreak my area has been quarantined. It means 2 weeks no school (wasn’t enrolls), no physical php, less people in public, and that good old shit. Thing is now my parents are trying to force my brother who’s off in college to come back home AND not let me see my friends physically while locking me up in our home. The most I can do if I wanna leave is go for a walk for like 30 minutes near our house. I hate walking as it just riles me up ever more and brings back bad memories of my parents forcing me to. They tried super hard when I was younger to walk the fat off me. Worked like a charm, said no one. If anything the many years of fat shaming made me gain weight as they didn’t get me a therapist, didn’t think I was depressed, didn’t let me take meds, and all I had was eating to comfort me. So yeah I’m basically trapped in my own house. I think I may fuck up. I’ve been around a month or two clean of self harm, but I know that will change in these coming weeks if I am forced to stay here alone with my folks and brother.

I usually have passive SI and SH thoughts, but within this weekend I’ve had so many that I was close to acting on them. They’ve gotten to the level of overwhelming that it’s like I’m back in 11th grade again. Which by the way, found out one my few friends from that time tried to MURDER my other friend (who is a bit newer, but still) is living in a house for people with murderous tendencies. So that’s just peachy. Oh another friend from high school has a brain tumor which probably will kill him and it makes me super sad even though we haven’t talked in years. I am currently upset about my life choices of who I made friends with.

My three best friends would be LM, DW, and LL. 

LL is a friend I made in my third high school. He’s kinda going through lots of shit right now. He used to realize that he couldn’t drink and that he could only smoke in small amounts. Now he’s back on his bs. He’s also having unsafe sex with strangers he met on tinder. Now it’s find to fuck around. Go live your best life. But if you are having unsafe sex that’s a problem. He is constantly having pregnancy scares (he’s trans). All of this while on the fact that when he’s not too fucked up he’s like kinda self center. I told him like the other night when he was doing better that I was feeling really down given some shit I got for being fat, but I was fine talking. This man goes ahead and spends the whole time talking about all these stories about himself and doesn’t let me speak for like the whole time. And he was like on this thing about how I need to do something, but he never got there. Don’t tell me how to self improve when you’re in a worse state than me. 

Then there is DW. I’ve been in love with him since middle school. We met at this outside of school after school activity. I fell hard. When I first confessed to him he didn’t really speak to me and avoided me for about a year. Then we became friends again due to weird grouping things at that after school activity. Irony was I was trying to get into the group he wasn’t in so I would lose my feelings. Then after we got close again I confessed my feelings, again. Some how that made us best friends? I mean I’m glad he didn’t cut me off again don’t get me wrong, but it just wasn’t what I was expecting. Now here’s some hard shit. About almost a year ago over the summer (2019) we were talking about my weird love life. You see I still tried to date outside of him. Can’t keep going after something that won’t happen. Then I asked about his love life as it’d been like months since I brought it up directly with him. Turns out he’d been dating a girl for almost a YEAR. He just “forgot” to tell me. I understand he could’ve been worried about my feelings, but I’m more hurt that he hid something that big away from me and lied about it too. We’re supposed to be best friends. Course I don’t wanna hear about how he fucks her or whatever. I just wanna be there for him. And so now I’m getting a taste of my own medicine. He is talking about her. How they go on dates, how they had a dear valentines day date, how he cares about her, how she even was in the same php program as me. I wanna fucking strangle her. She used to be my friend, but we grew apart. Then of course I find out that she’s dating the love of my life. Cool. Worst is when me and him are texting and she has the NERVE to try and talk to me. I don’t ever wanna speak to her again. I will if it makes DW happy, but for my sanity and her life I will avoid that. She’s a fine person, props forgot about me and my feelings for him, and doesn’t deserve the utter rage I hold for her. That don’t change it though. All of this on top the fact we’ve been distantly lately. I noticed about like 5 months ago how I was always the one texting DW and that started our convos. How I was the one putting in effort. So I started to text less. He only about 5 times started the conversations. It was over memes and reply to my general instagram stories. I’ve given up and realized if I want him in my life have to do the texting. I won’t let him go anymore. I’ve tried in the past, it don’t help anything. No matter what I try I need him and even if it’s bad for me it’s no worse than not having him.

Now we are on my closest and most toxic best friend. LM. LM I also met in my third high school. She was kind and charismatic. Thing is she is unstable, manipulative, controlling, hurtful, and just really toxic to me. She’s the alpha of the friend group I’m in with her. She can hurt me so much. I’ve tried taking breaks from her in the past, but when that happens she gets angry. She tried in these times to ruin my reputation. She has so much dirt on me. Top it off she lies like crazy and people just like, believe her? The only ones who have been able to see through her shit would be: Me, LL, and MA. That’s it. Not even her own sister can, least she doesn’t show it. It’s shit like, let’s say I was embarrassed by something and felt bad. LM would say I sobbed over it and yeah. Or she also just full on lies about me doing or saying something. It’s too the point where she’s said things about me that could get me in legal trouble if she told some authority figure and they believed her. Like she claims one time that I was about to drug one my crushes if she wasn’t there to stop me and that I masturbated with his jacket when he left the room in his closet. Yes I’m not proud of it, but when I was in a bad head space I thought about the idea/fantasy of having him take horny pills that SHE showed me and offered me. I did also once smell up my crush’s jacket in the closet. Not proud of it at all. I wasn’t stable and wasn’t thinking in my right mind. Doesn’t make what I did okay, but I did not do anything that would be as fucked as she claimed. Sometimes with that old crush she’ll bring it up saying straight up lies like I went to his house. Never did. Did find my crush on white pages (again not okay, but I wasn’t healthy), but never went anywhere near him outside of our setting. So yeah if I cut her off or just take a break she could realllly ruin my life given everyone believes ever word she says. All of that and I’m still a bit bitter over her manipulating a situation where me, her, and a few friends had a crush on the same guy. She lied saying she didn’t have feelings for him. She told us to confess and when we were like ‘idk not to ready for that’ she went ahead and did it for us. He didn’t like us back which is valid. But then she got really handsy and did things that basically helped him fall for her. Now I don’t have feelings for him anymore. If I do imma just push em away given he wouldn’t be good for me. But they constantly do things now as a couple that feel like an invasion on my being. THEY HAD SEX WITH THE DOOR SLIGHTLY OPEN IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME ONLY TO LIE STRAIGHT TO MY FACE. So they couldn’t see I’d woken up. I was facing the door and they were full on sex. Like I heard the moans. I heard it all. I knew they were fucking. So when they finished and went to wake me up I pretended to be asleep. Then later that day I brought it up to my friend CS (her boyfriend/ex crush) I thought they were having sex cause I could heard them in my dream, he lied to my face saying I was crazy. Straight up gas lighting tactics LM would use. This isn’t the first time they tried that. Even when I was with someone and we both were like yeah we heard ya’ll having sex they denied it and said we were crazy. Like please just don’t fuck when there are others around or at least have the decency to do it where we can’t hear/wake up from it.

All of this said about each one I love them all dearly. And it’s hard the idea of losing them. It’s just so shitty dealing with all their shit on top of my own. 

Now the worse thing happening right now that I can’t even talk to a friend about it that I got my new name outed. So my parents are transphobic, but diet transphobic. Like they “support” trans rights yet do really transphobic things.I came out to them a few months ago and not a SINGLE time have they used the right pronouns. Then when bringing up trans things they have shot me down claiming xyz. I just wanna be me, but the same time I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. At my php program I go by my chosen name. I told all the staff my situation at home yet the nurse managed to fuck up when emailing and wrote in an email that was attached to my parents my chosen name. So great my parents probably know something is up. I’m gonna fucking cry if they hurt me more. They already invalidate me on so many things I can’t stand the idea of them doing so on something so close and core to my identity. They do it with everything else and most things core to who I am. I had one safe space and the nurse had to fuck it up for me. I just can’t fucking deal with all this.

Top it off the one good person in my life, ESK hasn’t spoken to me in about 3 days now. ESK is someone I met online who lives in Europe. He’s genuinely the only good thing in my life. The only non toxic source of happiness. He brings me so much joy. I’m pretty sure he also has feelings for me or had them at one point. He’s 2 years younger than me and is turning 18 soon. I wanna get him a gift, but not only would that be weird, but he also hates celebrating his birthday. So I’ll just wish him a happy birthday when it comes around. Regardless I might not even be able to since he hasn’t responded in awhile. He has some serious health problems so I am worried he could be really sick. That or he’s angry at me/hates me/doesn’t wanna talk anymore. It could be just my anxiety, but the same time it could be true. I hate that I can’t tell. I can’t even talk to any of my bffs about it since they’ll all be super judgmental. Maybe DW, but even then it’d be hard. I just wanna make sure ESK is okay. He means the world to me. I don’t want to lose him. This is all happening after we both showed full face selfies of ourselves in our last convos. I hope he doesn’t think I’m ugly. It’d break my heart into toooooo many pieces if my looks scared him away or made him lose his romantic feelings for me. It’s not like we could date rn as not only are we an ocean away, but I’m far to emotionally unstable to. But hey that won’t matter if he drops off the face of the earth.

Lastly before I go I wanna talk about this girl in my php program who is legit making me crazy. We will call her LLL. She looks and acts just like my first crush, but if she’d grown up. The only difference is her eye color, age, and where she’s from. She isn’t her, but boy that doesn’t stop my lizard brain. I feel like a piece of trash whenever my eyes wander over her more revealing parts. It’s bad to objectify women and bad that I’m placing this role on her. Plus I’m like 90% sure she’s straight and like 60% she has a thing for a guy in our php group (who is much hotter than me). It’s just so hard since I lost my crush via my abusive grandma. It was her fault I didn’t wake up in time (I was 9) which meant I never got her number. I remember my heart sinking seeing her wave good bye to me from her car window as she drove off. I never really got over her as I just repressed any sense of being not cis het. I only really realized what I had for her was more than “wanting to be bffs” like a year or two ago. Still haven’t had the proper therapy to undo all my baggage. I really hope she hasn’t realized that my eyes linger on her just a little too long or that my feet are always pointing towards her. I want it to be a safe space for her.

SO yeah. That’s like 2% of my life rn plus 1% back story. You guys can tell I say like, so, and ya’ll a tad too much. I don’t know what to do and I have to wake up at 7. If anyone sees this I hope you can give me advice before it’s too late.

Yours cordially,

A.

[permian-tropos]

Hi! you said you only like particular types of Kylux, do you have any stories to recommend? How do you feel about gingerpilot, hux/rose (hose?) and hux/cardinal?

It’s actually been a few years since I shipped kylux. My absolute ultimate Star Wars OTP that has consumed 50% of my waking thoughts has been gallirae, which is such a teensy Imperial rarepair. Even with it being so teensy, just myself and some friends, I haven’t run out of ways to explore it. There’s so much untapped potential. I’ve shipped it for longer than I shipped kylux. Rae Sloane in particular succeeds at being the villainous archetype that a lot of people including myself had to work to transform Hux into. An ambitious, talented, career officer and underdog with reasons to passionately defend the system and other reasons to doubt or resent it. 

Back when I was more kylux-exclusive, once I got into the idea of creating my own content, I was very fixated on that and found other fic to be somewhat distracting. Also lately my attention span when it comes to reading fanfic has drastically improved. (Going back on ADHD meds has... been part of it). So back in the day, I noticed plenty of cool stories, including stuff friends of mine wrote, but struggled to read it. My impression of fandom was more the stuff that wound up on my tumblr dash. Plus I did a ton of RP. There’s probably a lot of really good kylux fic out there that I never got around to reading, also a lot of good kylux fic I read but forgot. I didn’t keep good records on AO3. I just now checked my bookmarks list for you and the kylux fics on there? I do not remember anything about them and I really did read them ages ago. I don’t even have enough links to fics my old fandom friends wrote. I really just wasn’t much of a content curator. 

I think my ideal kylux (The Fic I Never Truly Wrote) would be something with a truly sci-fi, fantasy, or paranormal plot. Something besides romance is going on, danger and intrigue especially coming from extraordinary sources. There’s a whole chunk of worldbuilding, intrigue, suspense or danger. Kind of action-adventure buddy-dramedy-ish (I said kylux isn’t like ineffable husbands in personality but that doesn’t mean they can’t be thrown into slightly alike plot circumstances).

That being said. There’s one kylux fic I still remember liking AND remembered enough identifying info to find it again on AO3 (there’s a couple of others that I just... FUCK... I can’t remember the author or fic name even though a lot of other stuff is really clear in my mind. Sorry. I was depressed and disorganized for the past few years). I’m not saying this one’s the best of everything I’ve read, or exactly what I might have been looking for. But I remember it. It’s quite old by sequel trilogy fandom standards. Also if it turns out to have been right about Palpatine possession being the endgame thing, that will be neat as heck.

Saint by @ofcorsetstrash​ lol I think I’ve told them once before that this is inexplicably one of my favorite fics (not that it’s inexplicable because it’s not good but that I read it very early on and it remained memorable with how huge the fandom got) it just resonated with me maybe I really liked the way it represented mental conversations with use of text formatting, that’s something I did in one of my first fanfics and it’s a very cool and vivid technique.

Also there’s these fics my best friend Mads @honeypothux wrote a while back: 

Seasons Greetings From the Solo-Organas -- a holiday comedy with a cool background element of a modern AU with Star Wars infused history (I’m a sucker for modern settings that are like what medieval fantasy is to medieval Europe -- very similar normal everyday life, very different geopolitics and history. It has the same intrigue for me as magic realism.) 

When the Crypt Door Creaks -- sadly unfinished but it’s young adult Kylo and Hux in a haunted Disney ride adventure. The Haunted Mansion itself. A lot of cool ideas, reminds me a teeny bit of a Henry Selick animated film. 

And the ones of mine I like:

Flashburn -- very very weird context for this one, fandom got obsessed with tentacle rape for a brief while and I found it squicky and started a fic to work through that squick by taking the idea seriously, but it’s not at all explicit, it’s about as implicit as you can get without actual ambiguity. Rated T but check the warnings. It’s more about Kylo and Hux discovering ways to not hate each other. 

Our Wicked Home -- maybe my favorite kylux fic I’ve written. Senator Hux returns to the abandoned Arkanis Academy as part of a truth and reconciliation, alongside his Jedi bodyguard Ben Solo. Hux doesn’t have a bad relationship with his family in this (and his parents were happily married), and it’s hard for him to cope with having nostalgia for a place where there was so much suffering.

Memory of Snow -- quiet alpine angst post-canon with hermit Kylo finding outcast Hux has tracked him down 

Moving on: 

How I feel about gingerpilot? Never really felt like my thing. 

Hux/Rose? I have never seen it called Hose that’s hilarious omfg. I didn’t passionately love it at first but my pal @tobermoriansass got me into it. I definitely don’t ship it in all possible configurations. Not as a cutesy sort of ship, definitely. Something raw and rotten and intense. I have a half-finished Hux/Rose fic that I wrote for a fic exchange. Still feel guilty about not completing it. But I kind of gave myself a writing injury trying to finish it, pushed myself too hard. I’ll come back to it when I’m ready. 

If you want a smut rec here’s a wild ride of a Finn/Rose/Hux weird alien psychic bond threesome 

Hux/Cardinal? I haven’t read Phasma yet, just had other people tell me about it. I’d kind of like to ship them as brothers. This is mostly because I don’t like canon Brendol Hux having no complexity in his relationship to his son. I think he was once an interesting character who could have been even more interesting and who can’t be interesting when he’s too repulsive to linger on for long. So having Cardinal and Armitage develop a strong brotherly bond adds to a complicated family backstory. Deep down I want to do a Fullmetal Alchemist AU for them where Cardinal is the disembodied suit of armor brother to Armitage the shrimpy irascible genius, though they’re far less heroic than the Elrics. 

Ummmmmm

I think that’s about it except that one major reason why I don’t read kylux is that I’m absolutely obsessed with my OC of his mom and I so vastly prefer the universe where she exists because she’s like a weird overpowered feral ocean witch. If only canon had invented her instead of me. 

OH ALSO I FORGOT THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION ANON YOURE VERY LOVELY HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FICS I JUST GOT SO FOCUSED ON ANSWERING I FORGOT I WAS VERY HAPPY TO GET YOUR ASK LOL

[artificialqueens]

Red Tulips

Hi there! This is my first fanfiction in this fandom. I plan on updating it and I’d really like to hear what anyone has to say about it! If you like angst, this is your cup of tea.

I would really like to thank dany-lovely21 that helped me with grammar since English isn’t my first language ❤

Adore was staring at the window, completely enamored with the way the sun hit the flowers on the little balcony her room had. It made the colors even brighter than they were on their own, the petals soft at the touch – she already knew it, she had been on the balcony all morning to draw them – and Adore felt like she could just stare at them the whole day without getting bored at all.

She would’ve stayed outside forever if it was possible, but miss Act, her nurse, told her it was best if after lunch she stayed inside.

 “You can go to the garden, miss Delano, but I can’t let you stay on the balcony alone”.

Said the blonde woman to her, making Adore pout for few seconds – it ended fast, but miss Act still managed to see her disappointment and smiled to her like asking for forgiveness.

“We have strict rules about this. You-“

“You can’t be left unsupervised. I know Courtney, you already told me that plenty of times.”

Adore interrupted her, with a defeated sigh. Miss Act – or Courtney, since she decided to call her by her first name while the nurse kept using her last name, which made Adore just feel uncomfortable since they were around the same age – was always with her when she wasn’t in any public room, something that happened quite often. Adore was usually easy going, or so she remembered – but since she was closed in the facility, she didn’t really want to socialize, especially not with other patients. She wasn’t like them, she didn’t have any kind of mental ilness, she was just… confused.

She didn’t remember anything of her life before waking up there, true, but she knew she had a life, probably people that loved her, a job, friends – maybe a cat even, she always wanted a cat called Nancy. The only thing that kept her going, at that point, was the idea that one day she’d finally gain back her memories and she’d be free to live whatever life she was living before ending up there.

Courtney smiled softly. Even if she tried hard to be professional, the two of them ended up talking about everything, and most of the times Adore felt like she was with a friend, and not a nurse. I mean, what kind of nurse would stroke her hair like she was doing in that moment, in some kind of maternal way?

“I’m sorry. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll be out of here sooner than you think.”

“You always say that, day after day after day. It’s been two months, and the doctor said there hasn’t been any improvement.”

Courtney sat on the chair right in front of Adore’s as soon as she heard the defeat in the younger’s voice. She didn’t have a lot of time, the girl knew it – she heard Mrs Davis talking about something the blonde had to do that afternoon, even if she didn’t catch exactly what it was – and just the fact that she decided to sit down with her for the few free minutes she had, made Adore’s heart warm a bit.

She was so lucky to have a nurse that actually liked her; while most of them had been always nice to her, there was something about Courtney that just made her feel like she could trust the woman, and not only to go to the doctor every week or to remind her to take her meds, but also to talk about whatever she had in mind – from a movie they both watched to what kind of color Adore should dye her hair once she was out of there, to heavy topics like politics and such. Even if Adore didn’t know much about those, Courtney always helped her understand a lot of things and made her open her mind a lot more.

She always knew what would make Adore feel better. In that case, it was a hand on her shoulder and a smile. Courtneys smiles were always bright, sometimes even too much, but they always made Adore smile too because of how friendly they were.

“I can only imagine how tough it’s been, Adore- I mean, miss Delano. But you can’t give up! If you do, you lose any chance of getting better. I know it sounds silly, but hope and determination can do a lot for situations like this.”

Adore sighed. “I just wish it was easier. I’ve seen my mother in so many pictures and I still don’t remember anything about her.”

“We just have to find what will trigger your memory. We tried so many things, I’m sure we’re getting closer.”

“I hope so.”

It wasn’t enough to make her feel better, but it was difficult being negative when everything Courtney has been doing since they met was cheering her up and rooting for her. Yes, maybe there hasn’t been any improvement, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t going to be any at all, no? She had to believe that.

Miss Act got up, stroking her hair once more. Adore stopped paying attention to that weeks ago, even if it was still nice to have that kind of contact with someone. It made her feel appreciated, protected.

“I’m sure of it. I have to go now, so behave and stay here – or, if you want to get out, just tell miss Velour about it and go to the garden, all right?”

Adore nodded, smiling at the blonde nurse while she left the room. Maybe she could try and actually enjoy a day in the garden, even try to talk to other patients… maybe it could help her memory. At that point, she’d try everything to get out of there.

_____________________________________

Courtney sighed while parking her car. She could see the bars entrance from there, and she could’ve recognized Bianca’s silhouette from miles away. She was sitting at one of the tables, clearly waiting for her; unfortunately, between finishing her turn at the facility and changing into something that wasn’t her uniform, Courtney had been late to their meeting. She felt guilty: considering in what conditions her friend was, she should’ve been faster.

She entered the bar, waving her hand so that Bianca could see her. She got thinnier, and not in an healthy way. She clearly had eye bags, her hair wasn’t as healthy as usual, and even her makeup looked less polished than usual. It broke Courtney’s heart to see her that way; it had been months since last time she saw her friend smile and actually have a good time.

“You’re late.”

Bianca greeted her, without even looking up from her glass. Courtney and her used to drink a lot together, but now, with Bianca in those conditions, she couldn’t help but worry everytime she saw her with alcohol in her glass.

“I’m sorry, I ran late at work and, well, I didn’t want to show up in my uniform.”

Bianca simply nodded, tapping her nails on the glass for few seconds. Courtney wanted to ask how she was doing, but she already knew the answer. She simply stayed silent, like the last few meetings, the only time she spoke was to order something for herself.

They remained silent until Courtney got her glass, then Bianca spoke first.

“How is she?”

“Like last week. She still doesn’t remember anything, but she looks healthy. She’s impatient though, she can’t wait to finally remember everything and get out of there. She’s still the same Adore we both know.”

Bianca let out a little chuckle, but it wasn’t as cheerful as it used to when everything was fine. It was like, in the past few months, life had been sucked out of her.

“She’s never been good at waiting. One time the delivery guy was late with her pizza and as soon as he arrived she threw a tantrum that scared the poor boy.”

Courtney smiled without saying anything. It always felt like Bianca wasn’t talking to her everytime she spoke about Adore – it was more like she was just trying to remember how good the old days were. She didn’t want to interrupt her, so she simply took a sip from her glass.

Unfortunately, those meetings weren’t just to catch up, like they had always been before… and in a matter of minutes, the real reason of why Bianca still asked her to meet in the same bar, drinking the same drink, came out of her mouth.

“When can I see her?”

The blonde woman lost any kind of smile she had on her face before, and sighed heavily. It pained her, to give Bianca the same answer every week – and it hurt her when she had to see the same reaction everytime.

“I don’t know, B. The doctor still thinks it wouldn’t help her, it could either be an emotion too powerful for her or she could not remember you… and that wouldn’t be good for you-“

Bianca slammed her hand on the table, and Courtney winced at the sound. Few clients looked over at them, but she didn’t care: everything she could see, in that moment, were Bianca’s eyes on fire, like she was ready to punch her. She knew her friend would never do anything like that in normal circumstances… but these weren’t.

“It’s been months! Nothing has worked so far – not even seeing you everyday, and you’ve been her friend since she was a fucking baby! Maybe seeing me would make her remember something, maybe your stupid doctor isn’t as good as you all think, maybe-“

“Maybe you’d end up more hurt than you already are.”

Courtney snapped, even if with a calm and cold tone. Yelling against Bianca never helped, the only way to make her understand someone else’s point was to wait until she was calm and reasonable. She could see her friend’s point, probably in her shoes she would’ve asked the same thing… but Courtney trusted Bob, he’s always been nothing but kind with his patients, especially Adore. He also knew Bianca, to a certain degree, and he told Courtney multiple times she wasn’t emotionally stable enough to be able to handle Adore not remembering her even after seeing her. It hurt her to keep her friends apart, but it was the right thing to do.

Bianca was silent again. She emptied her glass, stared out of the window like a stubborn child… and then the mask broke. Courtney could see her lips trembling, while she kept torturing her hands, tense but with the most tired face she’s ever seen on her friend.

“I’m her wife. It’s not fair.”

Just at that point, hearing how broken her voice was, Courtney reached and held her hand. Bianca put up a little fight at first, but in the end she knew she needed someone to support her – and who better than Courtney, the one that was going through the same thing? Even if the blonde woman hid her pain better, Bianca knew she was hurt too by her friend’s memory loss, even if she managed to see her everyday. She couldn’t help but feel like she should’ve been the one at her side, she promised to keep her safe the same day they decided to get married… but no one would let her do it. They kept telling her that it was best that way, but she couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be better if they were apart, nothing was alright when she couldn’t be with Adore.

“It isn’t. I know it isn’t, but B… I’m not a doctor. As a nurse, I can give you some insight, but we have to trust Bob. He knows what he’s doing, and if he thinks both of you aren’t ready yet, we can’t do anything about it.”

Bianca sighed, holding Courtney’s hand with more energy. It was like she was drowning and had only her hand to count on.

“I miss her so much. Our place isn’t the same without her… I still wake up every night expecting to find her sleeping next to me, you know? Snoring like a damn train, and then refusing to believe she does.”

The older woman was smiling now. It was a sad smile, and Courtney could see her eyes getting watery, but decided to say nothing about it. Instead, she stroked the back of Bianca’s hand, trying to reassure her a bit.

“I miss her too. And I’m asking Bob every single day when you can see her… I will never stop fighting for her. Just trust me and his judgment, all right?”

Bianca nodded a little, furiously rubbing her eyes. She never liked crying in front of someone else, not even Courtney.

“I will talk to him as well.”

“Everything you wish, B. But please, try to understand he’s only doing what he thinks is best for both of you.”

“I can’t promise you that… but I will try.”

Courtney bit her lip, worried – not about what Bianca just said, but mostly because now she even looked more depressed. She wondered when was the last time she got a good night of sleep, if she was eating well, or if she was still going to work. Even if it was Adore, the one suffering a memory loss, Bianca was looking just as broken as her.

“Thank you. And you know that I still have a spare room if you don’t want to be alone, right?”

Bianca smiled softly at her, even if for just few seconds before shaking her head.

“I know, but that would only hurt more. Just… come here next week at the same hour?”

Courtney nodded, getting up so she could go around the table and hug her tight.

“Wouldn’t miss our little chats for anything in the world.”

[pomrania]

Mandarin journal, week 3c

(week 3b) (week 4)

Bit of an update, so I won't be as swamped tomorrow.

I bought the other texts on Friday, the general workbook and the character workbook. The latter has the character, pinyin, and meaning; stroke order; and a bunch of square spaces in which to practice that. (Part of our homework was to write out the assigned ones, five times each.) The "practice" squares were divided into four equal squares, to guide the shape and size of the character I presume; however, they'd be more useful if those guidelines had been given on any of the completed characters. It doesn't do me much good to know where the midpoint of the space is, if I don't know what stuff is supposed to go to which direction of the midpoint.

Aside from that minor annoyance, I was indeed correct: writing the characters out myself, multiple times, helps set their form in my memory. I can't reproduce all of them without reference, yet -- that'll take some more practice -- but I can accurately recognize almost all of them. That is, I'd know the meaning of the individual character, when I see it; the actual sound it represents, and particularly the applicable tone, not so much.

But speaking of tones, I was able to find a way to fix them better in my mind. Simply going by the "rhythm" of it doesn't work sufficiently, since I also have to remember the individual sounds, and those can struggle for the same mental space for me. What I've come up with, is that I assign a colour for each tone. High is yellow, rising is green, low is blue, and falling is red. I think in colours, and I've previously had lots of success with remembering things by a colour I put to it.

I can foresee that this method will run into some difficulty, when we get to words that already have a strong mental colour in my mind. Names of colours, definitely, but also a bit with numbers, and other things. Hopefully by then I will have improved my mental "ear" for tones, so it'll be less of a cognitive load to remember the whole word sound (phonemes and tones) and I won't HAVE to rely on mental colours. If not, then I guess I'll just suffer.

I've previously mentioned that I was watching a video series on youtube, by Yoyo Chinese, about pinyin pronunciation. I finished it yesterday, and I have to say, it has proven quite useful. She explicitly stated which of the initials have it so that the "i" final is just a filler sound, and not the actual vowel. I probably could have figured that out myself if I'd worked at it, but it's the "if I worked at it" which is unlikely to happen.

Now, onto the homework. The simplest bit of it was "write out these characters five times each", which I completed yesterday. I should probably do some more of it, to get a better feel for them.

The stuff for the workbook, the first thing I saw when I looked at it was exercises which relied on some audio (that thankfully the prof has provided online so I don't have to hunt it down). That's a few exercises, but not too many. Most of them are pretty standard, for a language class, albeit some I'm not overly familiar with due to Mandarin using a different script which also needs to be learned. These are things that aren't particularly hard, they just take time to do.

Having said all that, I should clarify that I have not completed all of the exercises yet. I might encounter something unfamiliar and/or particularly frustrating.

My biggest worry at the moment, for the homework, is how I'm supposed to hand it in. Both workbooks have pages which tear out. I don't want to tear out any of the pages! Especially with the character workbook, where I'll want to keep it available for future reference and practice. I also don't want to photocopy any of it, because that would be a waste of paper. Most importantly though, is that I have NO IDEA how the homework is supposed to be handed in. I don't remember anything about that (unsurprising given how my memory works), and I can't easily find it online on the class site.

We also apparently have a presentation which we're supposed to do today. I think I mentioned this last time, but I still haven't put any work into it. Let's hope that I can manage something before my turn comes around in class.

My predictions for how my presentation will go: a) I will pause before each word, needing to retrieve it from my memory. This is common when learning a language, for everyone. But just because it's expected, that doesn't make it not frustrating. It could be avoided by memorizing the whole thing ahead of time, but that's not how I roll, and I feel that doesn't help you learn the language. b) I will start speaking German at some point in time, if I get distracted or frustrated. In my mind, currently, it's the most accessible "non-English language". (When I was learning German, sometimes I'd slip into French because that was the non-English language I knew the most of.) I might catch myself in time so only half a syllable comes out, but I also might start just speaking German and/or French directly to the prof, without necessarily realizing it. Please note that I am not actually FLUENT in either French or German, in the sense of being able to easily carry on an understandable conversation; I am only "fluent" as in "fluent aphasia", where I can speak without hesitation (but possibly without meaning). c) I will start panicking before my turn comes up, because I don't know what I'm doing and I haven't prepared anything and I feel so stupid and why did I even take this class and I'm going to do horrible and.... You get the picture. Hopefully I won't start crying or hyperventilating, because that would be awkward to explain. However, I've found that "predicting future panic" tends to have a bit of a protective effect for me, so maybe I'll just go up with an easy smile and an "I have no idea what I'm doing here but let's do it anyways".

(I feel slightly bad in spending the time to write this now, instead of studying and doing my homework, but I can justify this by that it will hopefully be useful for future SLA stuff.)

I'm definitely feeling more confident in the language, and my ability to learn the language, than I had before. (Practice is important, y'all.) Even though I'm expecting that feeling to abruptly disappear as soon as class starts, and a) I'm expected to produce spoken Mandarin, and/or b) we learn more new things that I wasn't prepared for.

For tomorrow's reference: last night I went to bed at around 10pm. This morning I woke up some time before 6am, but went back sleep at some time before 7.30am. I got up and had my meds (which one of them has a side-effect of keeping me more awake) at around 9am.

[braindamageforbeginners]

Some writing prompts

Cycle 7, Day 7

So, as some of you know, I go to a writing class/seminar for cancer patients. I realize that’s not exactly something pre-GBM-me would’ve been interested in, particularly the warm, fuzzy, safe, and judgment-free aspects, but, again, if the choice is adapt and evolve or die, well, I haven’t been to Jiro Ono’s sushi place, yet. Also, I like the folks there.

Anyway, there isn’t anything big or terribly interesting in today’s post, I’m still scheduled to get strapped down and injected with Marizomib tomorrow morning, and I didn’t feel up to writing about the weird lizard situation in the backyard, so I thought I’d give a better conclusion than I gave in the group:

Prompt - Affirmative writing: Imagine 6 months from today. Looking inot the future, write a descriptive portrait about yourself. To guide your writing, consider: What do you look like at your personal best six months from now? What is the image that comes to your mind? Describe your face and how it reflects your state of mind... AUTHOR’S NOTE: I trimmed the prompt quite a bit, because the outcome wasn’t what I originally thought, and it did bring to mind a very serious question that I will have to face in the next six months even if this New Jersey wetlands of a body exceeds every expectation (in my body’s defense so far, I’ve dramatically exceeded everyone’s expectations at every turn, which is one of the few things holding me together psychologically). Also, even though I usually try for a mostly-accurate recounting of events, this is more-fictional-than-real (about a 65-35 split). DECEMBER, 2017: “What is my long-term prognosis, really?” I asked Senior Warlock. I didn’t expect him to give me a real answer. One of the first things to go out the window when you get diagnosed with a disease for which science has no established, effective treatment is useful data, terrifying as it might be. Mad Scientist occasionally gave me full information, but we’d had a ten-year doctor-patient relationship at that point. “Excellent,” he said, “we’re putting you on the very most aggressive, successful treatment we can, and you have several genetic markers hat are extremely favorable.” MID-FEBRUARY, 2018 “The scan looks great. Based on your interest, you’re already in the extended treatment trial,” said Research Coordinator. “You’ve tolerated both the chemo and radiation much better than most patients.” “I tolerated it well?!”  I sputtered, “I spent an hour a week complaining about side effects to you!” “Yeah, but compared to average, you’re doing much better.” That was the moment i began to realize that Senior Warlock wasn’t being cheerful, or even terribly honest - he was striking an odd Faustian pact, “We will kill either your disease or you; right now, we’re betting on you.” JULY 31 2018 “The scan looks great. No growth in any of your tumor sites, and improvement in the stroke area here, and here,” said Senior Warlock. I hope everyone reading this feels - at some point - the wash of relief I did in that moment. It’s also easy to idealize how I’ll look six months from now, because it pretty much looks how I look at this moment. After realizing just how dangerous cancer treatment can be, I’ve put myself on a training regimen and diet that I’m sure would wear out some semi-professional sports teams. I took my end of that deal with the devil very seriously - I’m at near-peak cardiac health, I’ve lost multiple inches from my waistline, and I’ve put on five kilos of muscle. I know from reading the fine-print (and my own experience in the med-tech industry) that patients can be cut from an experimental program for almost any reason, including (and most-likely) that they aren’t tolerating it well. I’m not complaining about these rules - they exist to prevent the sort of corruption and medical malpractice we’ve seen in inhumane experiments like Josef Mengele or the Tuskegee airmen, even if those rules occasionally cut both ways. I’ve gone for the approach from the film “Miracle,” when the coach shouts to one of the players, “If you want to make this team, you’re going to have to perform at a level that forces me to keep you here.” Same goes here; if I want to continue in a potentially-dangerous, experimental chemo program, I am going to have to be so absurdly healthy that it would reflect poorly on my physicians and the biotech company that owns the Marizomib patent if I were to suddenly die or refuse treatment. For those of you wondering what that looks like physically, well, my DMV photo was taken when I was 19, over a dozen years ago. The TSA now doesn’t give me a second glance to double-check my photo (for better or worse, my physical best and worst aren’t as far apart as my sense of vanity might like) “Do you want to continue treatment at this point?” asks senior Warlock. At every two-cycle check-in, he legally has to ask me this. Fortunately, I’ve also figured out the dialogue that orients me properly and establishes some level of informed consent. “Well,” I started, “Given the probabilities on cases like mine, and the symptoms and complaints in those patients, and compared to the side-effects I’ve complained of and other patients in the program have established; do the likely risks of treatment outweigh the benefits?” I asked. For those of you following at home, this is part of the core of medical ethics, beneficence vs nonmaleficence (the dictum to do good vs not actively worsening a situation). “No,” he says. :”Then I’ll be in the infusion center on Tuesday,” I say. MID-FEBRUARY, 2019 “The scan’s clean,” said Warlock Junior. This is it. The moment I’ve worked for the last 15 months. On the other hand, physically miserable as it’s been this is the longest I’ve been unquestionably tumor-free since 2007. And, even though the side-effects of long-term treatment are unpleasant, i know that, given enough time, they will become lethal. On the other hand, GBM tends to come back more frequently than that shark in Jaws, and if it does so now, it’ll likely be resistant to the only two established, effective forms of GBM chemotherapeutic agents. On the other hand, this is a chance to have my Tuesdays back, not to feel confused or disoriented five days of the month. The general rule of chronic cancers is that patients have to go five years before they’re considered medically cured. I’ve only made it a little over one. Just a measly 20%. I feel - for the first time in a year - calm and quiet. Possibly even confident. I know it’s an illusion that will last less than a minute, because, for the first time in over a decade, I also know what the next five minutes will look like,. “Given how well you’ve tolerated treatment, you’re a candidate for several other long-term therapies that are in clinical trials,” he continued. I hesitate, weighing the options.

The Prompt: Breaking your heart, both in the negative connotation, but in a sense of opening you to the beauty and possibilities of life. “When you see beauty in desolation, it changes something inside you. Desolation tries to colonize you.” - Jeff Vandermeer When you’re young, everything moves quickly, far too quickly, really. Remember before you were ten? Before you were five? I’d bet those memories are filled with noise and light. Then you move - imperceptibly in an ideal situation, in a few stuttering leaps in mine, when you no longer have to worry about being the center of the world you inhabit; you have to become comfortable imagining the world without you in it. It’s beyond frightening, until you realize that much of the planet will remain unchanged. We are guests at the art museum, not residents. As disturbing as that is, it’s also a little comforting; we can’t take it with us, but we can’t burn it, either.

[iatethepomegranate]

Homecoming Chapter 20

@iontorch @prettybeefballs @darkmagicianknight

(GUESS WHO’S BAAAACK)

The whole fic is a sequel to Human Connection (can be read as a standalone, but character personalities make more sense if read together)

Tag, in chronological order

Shiny New Masterlist of the entire fic series (including AO3 link because I don’t trust tumblr to behave regarding external links anymore)

Pairing: DickTiger

Rating: Mature

Length: 5k (this chapter)

Summary: It's been a rough ride. As everyone slows down in the wake of the past week, dark feelings rise to the surface.

Notes: TRIGGER WARNINGS: Loved ones in medical danger & requiring hospital treatment, not knowing if the loved one is going to survive. 

I have included specifics on the medical danger and a summary of that scene in the endnote of my AO3 post on this chapter. You can find the AO3 link to the full fic in my masterlist. I don’t trust tumblr to NOT shove me out of the DickTiger tag if I post external links again.

The scene in question is the final one, when Tiger, Tim and Dick go to the Batcave.

Chapter 20

Helena took point for the journey to the rendezvous point with Jason watching for attacks from the rear. Tiger was sending updates to Batman, who had successfully taken over the facility. The rest of the family had dispersed throughout the building, collecting prisoners now that the immediate danger had passed. No one had come to an agreement about what to do about them yet.

Dick leaned heavily on Tiger while Gloria stuck to the wall, unsteady but moving. Walking was hell. Dick's legs didn't want to support his weight, even without the bullet wound in his right calf. But clinging to Tiger was exhausting in itself and his arms were already shaking. Symptoms were slowly trickling back now that the fight was over. His vision kept swimming and his head kept throbbing and his neck felt like the victim of a bad acupuncture session.

“This is not working,” Tiger said. “We need to stop.”

Helena paused. “Make it quick.”

“You should stop walking,” Tiger said to Dick, lifting him into his arms.

“I swear everyone I've dated has done this at least once,” Dick semi-complained. In all honesty, though, he was just glad Tiger had saved him from admitting defeat a few metres later anyway.

“How are you, Gloria?” Tiger asked.

“Sweet of you to ask, but I'll be fine. We should keep moving.”

Dick rested his head against Tiger's shoulder. Even though Tiger took great pains not to jostle him, every step was like a hammer against his brain. Now would be a great time to go to sleep and get away from this, but he had hit his head a few times today so it probably wasn't the best idea until Alfred could examine him. Damn it.

They passed into a room. The light was too bright. Dick squeezed his eyes shut.

“We have injured,” Helena said. “How close are we to extraction?”

Then came the voice Dick had been wishing he could hear for days. “We need time to clear out any remaining resistance,” Batman said. “Is immediate attention required?”

“No one is about to die,” Helena replied, “but sooner is preferable.”

“We'll need a few more minutes to secure safe passage. I'll send Red Robin and Batgirl to Gotham with the injured as soon as possible.” A gloved hand grasped Dick's, who reluctantly opened his eyes, just a touch, to take in the concerned set of Batman's mouth beneath the cowl. “How are you feeling?”

“Been better. Light hurts.”

“There is a small office in the corner. It should be darker in there.” Batman called for Red Robin to move blankets they had collected into the office. There were enough that Tim was practically invisible behind them. Seeing a pile of floating blankets did nothing to improve Dick's opinion of his own health.

But, soon enough, he was lying on a stack of them behind the desk in the office, largely shielded from the light of the next room. Gloria was set up on the other side, closer to the door, since she didn't seem quite as sensitive.

Dick rested his hand over his eyes, letting out a long breath. The worst was over, and the rest would be done in a matter of minutes. Then he could go home and deal with whatever the fuck was happening to him.

Tiger squeezed his wrist. “Do not fall asleep yet, jaanaana.”

“I know, I know.”

Tiger let him go and there was a shift in light Dick barely noticed through his closed eyelids, but Tiger was definitely moving away from him.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I should help Batman lock down the facility.”

“Unarmed?” came Jason's voice.

Tiger sighed. “I'll need my gun back.”

Dick wanted to stop him, but had no idea how to do that without sounding needy. He hated that feeling. He wrestled with that in every relationship he'd had. He could sometimes be suffocating and too intense and just too much. No one knew how to handle him, least of all Dick himself.

Fortunately, Jason was fighting on his behalf. “We've got it handled, dude.”

“Is anyone watching the front entrance?”

“Red Robin's traps have got it covered.”

“Just give me the gun.”

Jason sighed. “If you insist.”

Then Tiger was gone.

“Maybe he just needs a few minutes,” Jason said. “It's been a long couple months.”

“I need a few minutes for my head to stop murdering me anyway,” Dick said. Then he fully intended to go after Tiger because fuck this insecurity bullshit. He had every right to be needy after everything he'd been through. He just had to figure out how to drag his wounded ass to the front of the building.

The sounds of activity in the other room were slightly muted, but Dick could pick up a few snatches of conversation. Tim and Barbara were discussing data with Helena. Jason was guarding an entrance to the room and Steph the other. Cass and Damian were sneaking up on stragglers together. Bruce was coordinating everything.

Barbara ducked in to shine a light in Gloria's eyes to make sure she didn't have something worse than a concussion. “No pupil contraction,” she said. “You should be okay, but we have a friend in Gotham who can perform a more thorough exam.”

“I can't see Batman letting her in the cave,” Dick replied.

“He's not. Leslie's on standby at her clinic.”

“Oh. Okay. Cool.” Dick couldn't wait for Alfred to clear him for sleep. His body was absolutely done with him.

“Just lie there and look pretty, okay?”

“Will do.” For now. Just being horizontal was doing wonders for his entire body, especially his head. There was still a good old-fashioned marching band wrecking the joint, but at least the drummers had calmed down a little.

Barbara left them to rest. Dick felt well enough to push himself into a sitting position. He rested against the wall while his head protested. He breathed through it.

Bruce and Jason were talking nearby, voices hushed. But Dick and Gloria were nowhere near as loud as everyone else, so the sound reached them anyway.

“What happened in there?” Bruce asked.

“That Daedalus guy,” Jason replied. “He'd taken over that agent's mind. Nightwing called her Alia. I think Helena called her Agent 8 in the briefings she sent.”

Bruce's glare was almost audible. He didn't need to ask why there was a dead Spyral agent.

“Daedalus was literally about to take over Nightwing's mind,” Jason said. “There was no time to waste, so Helena and I shot him. Alia was long gone.”

More silent glaring.

“You wanna hate me? Fine. Nightwing's alive because we chose his life over a dead woman's possessed corpse.”

Technically true, but maybe a little harsh.

“...where was Tiger in all this?”

“With me.”

“Why didn't he shoot? Since you insist it was the only option.”

“One of my guns jammed. He lent me his.”

Dick reached up and got a grip on the desk, pulling himself to his feet. Jason was good, but Bruce was a master of making people confess the truth. They'd committed to this path. If Bruce even got a hint that Jason was lying to protect Tiger, things would be much worse than they would have been if he'd admitted Tiger shot in the first place.

Dick made it to the doorframe, light hitting him in the face. Not great for the headache. He reached for the brightness setting on his mask and tinted his lenses, which helped a little.

“Where is he now?” Bruce asked.

“Watching the front entrance,” Jason replied.

“Fetch him. Red Robin and Batgirl are taking our injured to Gotham in a few minutes.”

“Let me handle that,” Dick said. Neither Bruce nor Jason seemed surprised to see him; it wasn't like he was trying to be sneaky.

“Lie back down,” Bruce replied.

“Yeah, that's not gonna work,” Jason said.

“Let's be honest here,” Dick said. “Alf's gonna have me glued to bed as soon as I get to the Batcave. He will probably drug me. I need to sort a few things out with Tiger, preferably one-on-one and before I'm high on pain meds.”

“We are morally obligated to respect the injured guy's wishes, you know.” Jason patted Bruce's shoulder and joined Dick in the doorway. “I'll help you get down there if you're sure you're up to it.”

“I have a limited window of time. So quit asking questions and help me already.”

Jason bent down and let Dick put an arm over his shoulders. “Of course, your majesty.”

Tiger had found himself a quiet spot near a window that gave him the best view of the gravel road leading away from the building. He wanted more than anything to leave this place, but the best he could do until then was find a few moments to himself. The gun felt heavy in his hand as he leaned against the wall, letting his arm hang loosely by his side, barrel pointed towards the floor. He wanted to throw it. He had to keep reminding himself that was a bad idea. He had no idea how Dick threw loaded guns without accidentally shooting himself, but he certainly wasn't about to attempt it. No matter how much he wanted it gone.

It was worrying to think that, only a few months ago, he had been so determined to find Alia and eliminate the threat she posed. The memory felt like it belonged to a different person. He was never going to enjoy her death, but the man he once had been would have shed a few tears for her and then moved on, confident in the knowledge that he had done what was necessary.

Now, it seemed he questioned everything, even the things no one else struggled with. Dick and Helena had been so doggedly determined throughout this past week, even as Tiger wavered. He had once been so confident in his actions. The man he was now couldn't have spent years infiltrating a rival spy organisation, doing everything necessary to climb the ranks and become entrusted with the kind of information he needed to keep Spyral from threatening the world.

The past few months had been difficult enough. This past week, even more so. He still hated himself for bringing Dick into this. They didn't know about that machine, or that Daedalus had taken over Alia's body, but he couldn't stop thinking he never should have even considered involving him. Helena thought Dick had provided a useful distraction for Bannon so she could search for intel, but was that really worth it?

That torture machine caused lasting medical problems. Dick could never be the same again. And it was Tiger's fault for being so weak, so desperate to have Dick close while he and Helena pulled the scraps of Spyral apart.

If this wasn't the end of Spyral now that Daedalus was gone (hopefully), then everything Dick went through would have been pointless. At least if they managed to destroy Spyral, some good would have come out of Dick's suffering. Even if he didn't think it was truly worth it.

“Hey, handsome.”

Tiger flinched more than he would have liked, jerking his head to find Dick approaching him slowly, mouth stretched in a thin smile that did not hide his pain as much as he probably hoped it did. Jason watched them from the nearest doorway before he shrank away.

Dick leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the window. Poor visibility there, but it wasn't like Dick was in any condition to do much anyway.

“You should be resting,” Tiger said, quashing a surge of annoyance that Dick was pushing himself now that his fight was over.

“Tim and Babs are taking us and Gloria back to Gotham soon,” Dick said, evidently ignoring what Tiger had said. “I wanted some one-on-one time while I'm still mostly coherent, because you bet Alfred's gonna drug me six ways from Sunday.”

“What does that even mean?”

Dick shrugged. “Idiom. Doesn't matter. The point is, I wanna take advantage of my brief burst of lucidity before either pain or drugs take my brain for a ride.”

Tired, shaking, in visible pain and Dick was still playing with the English language in ways that should have been illegal. So he really was quite coherent.

Tiger gestured vaguely to the window. “I am working.”

“Yeah, you looked so focused with the way you were glaring at the floor.”

Tiger came perilously close to snapping at him. He took a deep breath and tried to blow all his misplaced frustration out on the exhalation.

“There is a lot on my mind,” he admitted.

Dick rested his head against the wall, his face twisting for the barest of moments before he smoothed it out again. “We couldn't have anticipated things would go like this.”

Tiger had a sudden urge to deny he was thinking about that, purely out of frustration that Dick had so easily dug into his thoughts. The man was supposed to be resting, but he was on his feet with Tiger, thinking about him rather than his own health. That was infuriating. Even more infuriating was the fact he just knew Dick wouldn't listen if he tried to tell him to worry about himself.

“It is our job to anticipate as many worst-case scenarios as possible,” Tiger muttered.

“So, you're telling me we should've anticipated the existence of a mysterious torture machine that isn't supposed to exist, and that a murderous ghost dude we thought was gone was just gonna show up in the body of your ex-partner?”

The absurdity of this whole situation was beginning to give Tiger a headache of his own.

“I'm sorry about Alia,” Dick said quietly.

“I'm the one who—”

“Shh!”

Something else Tiger was not happy about. They were lying for him. He helped kill Alia and they were hiding it so Bruce wouldn't have cause to throw Tiger to the wolves, even if he deserved it.

“Look,” Dick said, “we can't talk about everything right now. But we will. This is the best thing for everyone, okay? Please trust us.”

Tiger didn't want to leave Dick again. He had to hold onto that. They had spent more than enough time apart. Thinking about it left a sick feeling in Tiger's stomach that he did not want to examine.

“I don't like it,” Tiger admitted. “But it is done. I have no choice.”

Dick sighed, and his calm mask slipped just enough to betray the utter exhaustion lying underneath. “Okay. I can work with that.” He smiled weakly. “I love you.” He reached for Tiger's hand. “Come on. We're leaving soon. I also might need help walking. I mean, despite my rugged good looks, I'm actually wiped right now.”

“Yes. I definitely had not noticed that.”

Jason stepped out from wherever he'd been hiding, holding out his hand. Tiger passed him the gun, pushing down the immense relief he felt now that he no longer had to carry it.

“Get back to rendezvous,” Jason said. “I'll take it from here.”

Barbara took Gloria to a Wayne family friend for medical treatment while Tim took Tiger and Dick to the batcave. Alfred had already prepared a bed in the med bay. Tim helped Tiger get Dick sitting on it before heading out to work on the computer.

“You can remain for a moment,” Alfred said to Tiger, reaching for a tiny flashlight. Tiger crammed himself into a corner, arms crossed, hoping that would be enough to stay out of the way when all he wanted to do was curl up around Dick and go to sleep with him.

“Light hurts,” Dick said quietly. He listed in the seat a little and Tiger expected him to fall. He caught himself, but it took him a while to straighten up properly.

“I am sorry, sir. I need to check your eyes.”

Dick sighed. “Fine.”

Alfred shone the flashlight into each of Dick's eyes while Dick dug his fingernails into the leather gurney and visibly tried not to flinch.

“Hm.” Alfred tapped a note into the computer nearby. “You have unequal pupil dilation, sir. We'll need to isolate the cause.”

“Did Tim send you any data?” Tiger asked. “Dick was subjected to a machine that causes long-term medical problems.”

Alfred clicked around. “Ah. Here we are.”

Dick was swaying a little again. Tiger gave into the urge to steady him. Dick rested his head on Tiger's supporting arm. He leaned more heavily against him with every passing moment Alfred spent reading the files Tim had sent him.

Dick mumbled something that Tiger couldn't understand. He tried again:

“Idonfeelright.”

“You don't feel right?”

Dick nodded weakly.

Alfred stepped away from the computer. “Let's get you lying down, sir. We can do a preliminary brain scan here, but we may need to commandeer a hospital's equipment for an in-depth diagnosis.”

Dick tried for a smile, but only one half of his face cooperated. Tiger's blood turned to ice.

No. No, no, no.

Did they even have the resources to treat a stroke?

Tiger and Alfred got Dick lying down. Dick was too weak to offer assistance. His right side seemed unwilling to cooperate.

Dick shut his eyes, face only half-twisting with apparent discomfort. He didn't try speaking again.

“I can take it from here, Master Tiger,” Alfred said, pulling a machine from the ceiling that hid the cave from view. The machine was a huge white arm with a box on the end that had a half-cylindrical piece cut from it. Tiger had never seen such a machine before and had a sneaking suspicion it was not a standard piece of medical equipment used in hospitals that had entire rooms for brain-scanning equipment.

“Are you sure? I can... hold things.” Tiger absolutely did not want to leave Dick in this condition. If this really was a stroke, it could be fatal. He wanted to punch himself for not insisting they get Dick medical attention sooner. He hadn't seemed in immediate danger. If that decision killed the man he loved...

“I'm sure.” Alfred pressed buttons on some kind of box machine that started a whirring in the arm-end. “There are snacks in the kitchen. Eat something. Rest if you can.”

Dick held out his good left hand, giving Tiger's a squeeze before pulling away. Tiger got the message. This was up to Dick and Alfred now.

“It may not be a stroke, sir,” Alfred said as Tiger forced himself to back away. “There are other medical conditions that cause similar symptoms. Do not panic.”

Tiger didn't have it in him to speak. He swallowed around the lump quickly forming in his throat, nodded curtly, and stepped outside. He shut the door behind him, leaning against it.

He was panicking. Definitely panicking. Dick could be having a stroke. Dick could be dying and there was nothing he could do about it.

“How is he?” Tim called from across the cave. Tiger took a few quick breaths—shallower than he wanted—and joined him at the computer. Tim shoved out a wheeled stool for him.

“We don't know yet,” Tiger said, slumping onto the seat. Talking hurt. Thinking hurt. “Fatigue. Unequal pupil dilation. Speech difficulties. Weakness on one side of the body.”

Tim had changed out of his uniform into civvies—a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants that looked older than Damian. A pair of glasses was set on his nose as he squinted at the data flitting across the computer screen.

“Okay, so, I think we both know the obvious possibilty,” Tim said, with an even tone Tiger envied. “If it's a stroke, we'll deal with it. People survive strokes all the time. It could also be something else. Some migraines do that.” Tim pushed his glasses further up his nose with a finger, offering Tiger a serious look that was somehow reassuring in the fact he wasn't trying to feign a lack of concern. Tim was as calm as possible without being in denial. Tiger appreciated that.

“I didn't take you for an optimist.”

“I'm not.” Tim refocused on the screen, tapping the keys every so often. Tiger had no idea what he was doing. “Listen. I get migraines sometimes. Not the type Dick might have, but I did plenty of research on the various types when trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. Bruce benched me for a bit when they got bad, but I got medication and function pretty well most of the time now. Whatever is happening with Dick, we'll handle it. We always do.”

“You still sound like an optimist.”

“In this family, it's more like stubbornness. Examine all the options, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's all you can do sometimes.”

There was something soothing in listening to Tim talk like this. They'd never spent as much time together as some of the others, but Tiger had always liked him. Matter-of-factness was more comforting than empty platitudes.

Of course, that didn't mean Tiger was going to stop panicking. His heart pounded something terrible and his throat hurt. He was also probably shaking but didn't want to check his hands to make sure.

Tim let Tiger sit there while he worked. Tiger wanted to pace around and probably throw things, but that would require energy he did not have. One part of him longed for sleep. The rest of him was too restless to even consider it until he knew whether Dick was going to be okay.

They'd been through so much. Dick had been through so much. He couldn't lose him now. What would he even do if Dick died tonight? Tiger had dragged out every ounce of strength he had and shoved it into getting them home safely. He had nothing left. He couldn't take one more piece of bad news. Not tonight. Possibly not ever.

Tiger didn't know how long he sat there, before a roaring sound echoed through the cave.

“That'll be the fam,” Tim said, swivelling in his chair. They watched the batmobile and a fleet of motorcycles roll in from the deeper recesses of the cave and park on a wide platform that held a few other vehicles in various states of disrepair.

Bruce and Damian hopped out of the car. Jason and the girls swung themselves off motorbikes. By the time they reached Tim and Tiger, cowls and masks had been discarded and other various accessories—mainly gloves—were in the process of doing the same.

“Snacks are upstairs,” Tim told the group, who all headed for the stairs except for Bruce.

“Report,” Bruce said. His hair was moulded to his head with sweat.

“Gloria has a concussion,” Tim replied. “Barbara's keeping an eye on her at one of our safehouses tonight. If there are no complications, Helena will get her home tomorrow.”

“And Dick?”

“We don't know yet.” Tim paused for a moment, face grim. “There have been some... complications. Alfred hasn't given any updates so far.”

“What kind of complications?”

“Fatigue, speech difficulties, weakness in one side of the body.” Tim listed the symptoms without inflection. Tiger could feel a swell of anxiety rise in the boy next to him, before he beat it back. “We don't know the cause yet.”

Tiger was grateful no one had tried speaking to him. He wasn't sure what would come out of his mouth. Sobbing, most likely.

Bruce sighed, unlatching his cape from the rest of his uniform. “He's strong. If anyone can survive this, it's him.” There was something about his voice that almost made that sound believable.

Tiger bit his own finger to stop himself from bursting into tears.

Jason came back down the stairs. “If you three want anything to eat, you better get up here now.”

Tiger's stomach felt like knives. Eating was the last thing on his mind. Maybe he could drink some water and try to take his mind off Dick for a moment. That second thing was unlikely but at least he could try.

Bruce stayed downstairs to update computer files based on intel received from Spyral, but Tim and Tiger both followed Jason into the manor.

The rest of the family was standing around the kitchen benches, munching on sandwiches and cookies and fruit and a vegetable platter. Jason shoved Tiger towards the food, so he grabbed a tiny stick of celery. Celery was close enough to water that maybe he wouldn't feel sick eating it.

Cass offered him a reassuring pat on the arm, but mercifully did not attempt to hug him. Embarrassed that she had read him so well, but relieved that she could, he gave her a nod. Smiling was beyond him in that moment.

Tim told the group about Dick's condition. Possibly because they were tired after a long night, everyone quietly absorbed the information and kept eating. Tiger was also grateful for that. He was barely holding together. He did not need sympathy. He kept his gaze on the counter so he wouldn't make eye contact with anyone.

Tiger ate his celery as slowly as possible, but there came a point where to continue gnawing on a piece the size of his thumbnail would stick out as particularly ridiculous. Jason shoved a glass of water into his hand instead.

Most of them were still wearing their earpieces. Bruce's voice crackled to life in Tiger's ear.

“I have an update from Alfred,” he said. “No blood clot in the brain. Dick is not having a stroke. He is in severe pain, so it would appear that he has a particular type of migraine.”

The room collectively exhaled. Stephanie quickly passed the information to Damian, who was the only person not still wearing his earpiece. The group gradually began to trickle out for showers and bed. Tiger stayed put, sipping his water slowly. If he made any sudden moves, he definitely would start crying.

Jason stayed with him. “You'll be pleased to know Helena blew up the place, with a few extra explosives in that torture machine for good measure once she'd extracted all the data from it. She's hanging out in Gotham until Gloria's up to travelling. Don't know what she plans after that.”

Tiger shrugged. Helena had been tight-lipped about what she wanted once Spyral was no longer a threat. St Hadrian's still existed. It was a school as well as a headquarters. Perhaps Helena could shut the school down or replace all the staff and change it into something less espionage-oriented. Tiger didn't much care at this point.

“You've totally got a right to freak out, you know.” Jason leaned against the counter, ducking his head into Tiger's line of sight. “You've been through a lot.”

“I'll consider it once I've seen Dick,” Tiger said, draining the last of his water. He wasn't sure when Dick would be well enough for visitors. Migraines could last hours. He didn't want to make it harder on him just to satisfy his own anxiety.

His earpiece crackled and Alfred's voice floated in. “Master Tiger, do you have a moment?”

Tiger's heart jittered in his chest, which was simply ridiculous. This was not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe Dick was feeling better.

“Yes?” Tiger managed to keep his voice relatively even, but Jason still gave him a look.

“Master Dick is asking for you.”

“Is he well enough?”

“No, but he insists.”

Tiger felt a surge of warmth, tempered by frustration. Happy that Dick wanted to see him, but not so happy he was going to make himself feel worse just to have a few moments with him.

“I'm on my way,” Tiger said.

“What's up?” Jason asked.

“Dick is in no condition for visitors,” Tiger replied, rinsing his glass out in the sink. “But he wants to see me anyway.”

“Classic Dick.” Jason waved him on. “Go forth, my friend.”

“Never speak like that again.”

Jason snickered, shoving Tiger towards the door. “Get outta here.”

Tiger headed back to the batcave. Bruce was still working on the computer, but a sandwich had appeared beside him. Either Alfred was, in fact, a superhero who could be in two places at once, or someone else had brought it to him.

Alfred was waiting outside the door to the med bay. He beckoned Tiger over and said, in a low voice, “He is sensitive to light and sound, sir. Be careful.”

“I'll be quiet.”

“Only a few minutes. Then he needs to rest.” Alfred opened the door, waiting in the doorway while Tiger crossed to the bed in the middle of the med bay.

Dick was laid up on his back, a dark sleeping mask over his eyes. Alfred had covered him with soft blankets with a damp towel on his forehead.

The fingers on Dick's right hand twitched a little. “Tiger?” His face pinched with pain best it could, his right side moving the tiniest amount. The paralysis didn't seem has complete as it had before, but it was still there.

Tiger gently took his hand, running his thumb over Dick's knuckles. He wasn't entirely sure how much Dick could feel, but apparently it was enough. Dick let out a breath and sank a little into the pillow. He was still holding himself tightly, tensing every so often.

Dick squeezed his hand. There was no strength in it. Tiger brushed his lips against his knuckles and Dick managed a small smile.

Alfred put his hand on Tiger's shoulder, nodding towards the door. Tiger gave Dick's hand one more kiss and gently laid it back down, stroking his knuckles as he worked up the willpower to leave.

Then he left Dick to rest, hoping the pain would be gone by the morning.

[pisati]

well I wanted to put off writing about it bc I probably need some time to calm the fuck down but it needs out.

as we were closing up and starting to clean at the end of the day today my co-receptionist told me she and the head vet wanted to talk to me when we were done; nothing bad, but, you know. talk. I know I’m not fucking up that bad, but I still wondered how bad it might’ve been to warrant a meeting. 

and it wasn’t that bad. the vet even opened with the fact that I’m doing a good job and I’m learning a lot despite this not being my field. but they did have some concerns about a few things. namely 1. the other team got two complaints from clients who had had questions and food things and didn’t get answers. they saw that the clients had spoken to me and I had told them they’d hear back and there was apparently no note in a doctor’s list or anything, 2. I’ve apparently told people doctors on the other team would be getting back to them thursdays when they’re back in (though I swear I’m wording it like “they’re next in the office on thursday”, I really try not to make promises on when the doctors can get to clients’ concerns because I have no idea when they’ll be able to and I really am trying to not put undue pressure on them; apparently I have been?? somehow??), and 3. I’ve been scheduling things as tech appointments that should be doctor appointments and it’s causing delays and schedule overload. 

these are all valid concerns and are things that I’m aware are problems and am specifically trying to avoid, so it’s upsetting to me that it’s still happening despite my trying to avoid them and that it’s upsetting the other doctors and putting unnecessary pressure on the other team. firstly it was hard enough learning the ropes when we still had the team together, but nobody really gave us guidelines on how to deal with having half the doctors only available on days we’re not. with having potential gaps of days before clients can hear back from the doctor they want to hear back from. some clients are doctor-specific. I’m not trying to create an us-vs-them split here, I’m trying to help with continuity of care but also get people’s needs met within reasonable time. I offer quite a bit to ask a doctor currently on staff if they’d like an answer promptly. like these things are at the forefront of my mind all day every day and I’m honestly beating myself up because I still can’t seem to make that happen.

and this isn’t constant, thankfully, but it’s enough that it was brought to the managers’ attention, likely by multiple people, and the office manager, both head receptionists, and head vet drafted up a memo with specific instances of my fuck-ups and basically wrote prompts for me to explain what happened and what I can do to avoid doing things like that again. like... that’s honestly embarrassing. I know I can’t be perfect, but I don’t feel like this is a thing that happens to most people. I don’t know how I always end up fucking up badly enough at just about everything I do for this to keep happening. 

the worst part, especially about the client complaints, is that it’s an honest mistake that I am not aware of having made until a client calls upset that their needs weren’t met. by that point it’s too late, the damage is done. the two biggest things with things like that for me are 1. memory and 2. knowing what information to field where. it’s hard on mondays when clients have questions for their specific doctors that they saw the thursday/friday/saturday before and their doctor won’t be back in the office again until thursday. I do offer to follow up with a doctor on-staff if their questions need to be answered, of course, I’m not going to make an owner wait 4+ days for a response to a problem. some of them decline this, they say it can wait. many of them I do leave in a doctor-on-staff’s worklist, because I want someone to get back to this person about this issue. I also have left multiple notes, both in the worklist for a doctor on-staff AND for the doctor they wanted to speak to, so when that doctor comes back they know what happened and who this information went to. like, I really am trying to be good about that. but then comes the problem of memory. we’re being pulled in at least 3 different directions all day for 12 hours a day now. it’s hard and sometimes near-impossible to remember everything, every detail of every conversation you have with people, and I’m not even aware of what goes on inside exam rooms so when clients call about issues specific to their pet and the case that the doctors/techs are the only ones with direct knowledge about, it’s really hard to gather relevant information at lightning speed and either get questions answered or appointments booked. everyone else is going through the same thing, we all understand that feeling. I try to keep sticky notes, so I can get back to the thing I was doing if I got interrupted. they are really helpful, and most of the time I can keep track of the things. but occasionally there’ll be a time when I think I’m getting something done, forget to write it down if I get interrupted, and then forget the thing entirely. sometimes I’m VERY lucky and I remember later. I had a moment like that yesterday; I remembered a double new-patient appointment that I had spoken with earlier in the day; one of our clients was adopting two new pug puppies and since she booked online and they’re new pets, the system just blocked off the calendar spot as “unknown”. so I had to call her, get profiles set up for the new pets, and replace the appointments. she had asked me a question while I was putting in one of the appointments, and thankfully I thought to at LEAST block off the time slot for that pet. but then I got distracted and another thing came up and it took me til the end of the day to realize I’d put in one incomplete appointment for one of two pets. for a doctor on the other team. I didn’t want to know how many things I haven’t been lucky enough to remember, but I guess these are a few of them. what sucks, again, is that I don’t know I’ve fucked up until someone gets upset. 

I accept full responsibility for those fuck-ups. I really am trying to be better about writing things on sticky notes. but I guess I need to double and triple check everything I do now to make sure all these batons have been successfully passed. for many things it’s a case-by-case issue, and that’s where a lot of my challenges are, still. I have been improving on knowing what information to pass to what person, what information is urgent, and what I need to place more urgency on than the owner is letting on. it’s hard not being from a vet med background. I’ve had to learn all of this over the last 8 months and I learn new things literally every day. I think they know that, and the head vet says she’s reminded people of that fact. but it still bothers me that this is continuing to happen. mostly that I’m not always sure what to do with an owner’s request or what exactly they want from me. sometimes they’re clear, sometimes they’re not, and I try to get what information I can so I can get a better idea of what to do. but that doesn’t always happen. I’m still trying to think of how I can do better with that. 

the other ones are really getting to me, though. I know in the past people have given clients narrower time windows as far as hearing back from doctors about things, and I know to avoid that. it’s common sense; I try to be vague when letting owners know when doctors can get back to them. I don’t know their schedules, and most times doctors can’t get back to clients until the evenings after their last appointments leave. I know this. it’s not something I need to be told. it may have happened once or twice that I don’t remember, telling someone their doctor would be back thursday and could get back to them then, but that just means I need to be better about verbiage. because I never mean that the doctor will absolutely get back to them that day, least of all that morning. 

the one about scheduling things as tech appointments that should be doctor appointments... some of that I know where it’s my fault. when I get an owner calling to schedule a nail trim or a booster shot that can be done as a tech appointment, I go ahead and do what they ask of me. it’s been pointed out to me a few times that sometimes there are reminders on a pet’s chart that they’re either coming up due for or are overdue for services that should be doctor appointments, and I admit that is a fault I need to work on, that I should be doing better about by now. there’s a lot to juggle and it’s going to take a perspective change. but it’s a simple habit change to glance over at the reminders box when I pull up a chart, note what needs to be done, ask the owners about it, and that will result in fewer doctors and techs being mad at me. the only issue I think I’ve run into with that is that I’ll tell owners they’re due for something they don’t want, but that might be a matter of me understanding what requires an exam in what window of time. there’s some I know; like we can’t prescribe gabapentin without having seen the pet for an exam within 6 months. no preventatives without a heartworm test within a year. but the doctor mentioned one today about someone who’d booked a nail trim appointment and hadn’t been seen for an exam in a year or so and that’s entirely my fault for not noting that. again, it’s a matter of looking at the reminders. I need to stop myself before just doing what a person asks me to do (i.e. “my pet needs a nail trim, when can I bring him in?”). I know this has happened a number of times and I’m really not happy with myself that it keeps happening. 

I’ve learned from being burned on this a few times to ask first before I schedule, or before I move online appointments to tech slots. I have been trying to do better about that. there was one today that the doctor brought up to me specifically, because it really did end up backlogging her whole day. if I had known that would happen I wouldn’t have moved one of this lady’s two dogs to a tech appointment. this particular client apparently is a tricky one, so the doctor doesn’t entirely fault me for not knowing better, but apparently when this lady brings both her dogs in at the same time they both should be doctor appointments. the one dog just needed a lyme and lepto shot, which can be done as a tech. I swear I asked someone if that was a move I should make, and when I called the owner I swear I asked if there was anything that dog needed to see the doctor for. that’s literally what I ask if an appointment can be done as a tech; “I can move it over, unless there’s something you’d like for them to see the doctor about”. I can’t remember the details of this one though. so maybe I did manage to fuck it up myself.  there was another one they brought up, though, and I can’t for the life of me remember the details of that interaction. I’d have to go into the chart and see what exactly I said. but apparently I’d booked a pet for a tech appointment when the owner had questions about the dog’s teeth and medications and either it’s my fault for not making that an exam because I figured the tech could make a quick determination on whether we should book an exam (stupid idea, now that I think about it, because it could just be an exam??), or because I misunderstood what the owner wanted. I was about to be annoyed that maybe the owner suddenly brought these doctor issues up at her appointment, but I’m sure I wrote a note in the chart about my interaction with her and therefore it’s my fault. one of those is an easy fix. I just need to ask the owner to be clear about what they want. do they want a doctor to look at this? a lot of clients are concerned about the exam fees, and I would be too; especially if I just wanted a doctor to have a quick look at my pet’s teeth and ended up charged $90 for an exam. I might need some clarification on appointments like that. it doesn’t happen often, but I do know I need to do better about knowing what exactly the techs can do and what needs to be an exam. what I need to be insistent on, even if an owner doesn’t want an exam. at what point I should offer alternative options, and what those might be. 

I know the head vet knows I’m trying and knows I mean well, that I want to help people best I can. she’s understanding of my issues with memory and I hope I don’t seem like I’m not trying hard enough to do better. or like I don’t want to. I know these are simple issues and they can be fixed with time and a little more self-discipline and taking the time to step back, even when interacting with clients, look at a chart for a few more seconds, and make sure I’m doing the right thing. but this all still feels shitty.

I think part of my issue is that I really am trying to be more independent at my job. I do have a number of things down pretty well (the doctor and even some of the techs have told me I enter really good, detailed notes about interactions into charts), but obviously there’s areas I can improve on. and in trying to be independent and not lean so much on my co-receptionist with questions about every little thing, I’m apparently fucking up. I know when I need to ask for help, and I try to do that when I know I need it, but some of these things I feel like I shouldn’t need help on. and so I do what I do, and apparently I’m still fucking up. 

like, I know what I have to do. I know there’s phrases I need to practice, like “the doctor is in with a patient right now, can I get a good number for her to call you back when she can?” shit like that. those are minor fixes. the other things, I think I just need clearer guidance on what things need to go what places. we did already have a meeting on that a few months ago, and I was embarrassed then that I knew it was my fault for fucking up on fielding information to the wrong people. I’ve improved, but still not well enough apparently. there are some real grey-area cases that I sometimes struggle with. I might have to talk to my co-receptionist and ask if it’s okay to ask her about them as they come up. I usually do anyway, I think, but ugh.

doc also mentioned that sometimes some people get overwhelmed with so many things in a day, and I’m really not trying to overwhelm people with “what should this owner do” because they’re expecting an answer, but I like to think I’m doing a decent job at balancing cases? if there’s a thing that should be addressed by a doctor that day, I try to put it in the worklist for the doctor that has the least in theirs. I try not to go to the head vet too much unless it’s a particularly difficult client or someone who’s specifically requesting her or something; I know she’s got a ton on her plate and I really don’t want to overwhelm her. but there are times when the other doctor(s) are on the phone or in with a patient and I have no other doctor to go to. I might need to lean more on the techs if I can, let them decide if it’s an issue that needs to go to a doctor. I just don’t like running around looking for the right person to talk to when I have an owner holding on the phone and their pet is having an issue, and I end up getting passed around to multiple people. I also might need to ask the head vet what’s appropriate to put in her worklist, because as far as she’s concerned it’s a dead zone. there’s too many things to get to and she likely won’t see it. I know that urgent things for her need to be written on a sticky note and put on her desk so she knows to get to it, but what things are okay to sit in the worklist? I’m not going to write a sticky note for every cytology result of hers that comes back, but I also don’t want those things to float into the ether where they don’t get addressed.  

as I’m sitting here I’m thinking I might need to come up with a list of things I hear a lot on the phone and make like... a chart or something. ask the doctors questions about what they would ideally like to see as far as information flow, and make a chart for myself of what needs to go where, or what I’m allowed to tell people. like, if a dog’s only thrown up once but it worried the owner, what should they feed it? what answers am I as a receptionist with no medical license and limited experience allowed to give them? what exact questions to ask for what scenarios so I have enough info for the tech or doctor? how urgently does this issue need to be addressed, because sometimes the owner’s tone is misleading or their sense of urgency is bad? what exactly can a tech do and when is it time to hand it to a doctor? (and this one I think I do have a pretty good sense on, but there are a few borderline cases I could use some guidance on without having to put a client on hold and go bother someone to ask). if it should be a doctor visit but the owner doesn’t want an exam fee because someone can just look at the thing real quick, what do I tell them? obviously medical questions need to go to doctors, some tech questions can go to techs, but then what exactly can wait? how long should it be allowed to wait? it really is case-by-case and I don’t want to have to go back to putting everyone on hold and asking someone because I’m not sure; obviously the point is to do my job better. 

I hate that I get involuntarily teary when I talk about my health, but I had to bring it up today. and of course I started crying, and I was like “I don’t even know why I’m doing this”, lmao. I know everyone struggles to remember things but for me this is not normal. I struggle so hard to pull shit out of my brain and it’s so much effort every single day, I’m amazed I get as much done as I do. that I can remember even what I do. I really am trying to work around it, do the best I can with sticky notes, and really trying to listen and commit things to memory. but there’s only so much I can do. it gets to me when things slip through the cracks, and I fear that that’s inevitable, even if I push to work out a better system for myself. I can’t expect perfection, nobody can. but even improving feels like it’ll be a struggle. and it just can’t be. 

I told the doctor about my physical health, how it’s been deteriorating over time and I don’t know what to do. I’ve seen every specialist, I’ve tried different meds, yes I’m seeing a psychiatrist, yes I know I need a therapist and it’s on the back burner for right now because I just don’t have the energy or the money to find a good one. I’ve tried to exercise, I’ve tried to go on walks fairly regularly, I’ve tried to rest up and get my head back on right. I’m just never any less tired and I can never predict what’s going to cause a crash or how bad the crash will be. I told her about how I went on a 2m walk a few weeks ago and crashed so hard I couldn’t move, but then the next week I did the same walk and was definitely tired, but could still sit up. I walked 3-4 days a week last year, 1-2 miles each, and some days I’d have to peel myself off the floor when I got home, some days I’d just need to lie in bed for 30-60 minutes or so until I felt more able to get up and do things. I started crying harder than I wanted to when I told her I had a whole year off of work and thought I would be able to spend that time recovering and I just don’t feel any better. I wanted to go to grad school, but I just can’t make my brain work right and I don’t know if it’ll ever be possible for me. she put a hand on my knee and told me she knew it was hard, and therapy would definitely help with the emotional part of this. and we’re a team, we care about each other and want to help each other do the best we can, so I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what help I need. I already know that, and I am trying. I think I just need to figure out exactly what I need first. 

she did mention it, but I already know that this is grief. I’m grieving a future I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have, but I’m also trying to remedy it by finding things I can do and letting that be enough. I told her I’ve spent a lot of time alone and needing to force myself into doing things that help me, because I knew that’s just what I had to do. I told her I’m on meds and am doing a lot better than I used to be. she said she’s glad I’m working on it. I am too, honestly. I know I’ve come a long way and I’m really in-tune with myself and my emotions and I know what works for me. I do still deal with some things in unhealthy ways. all the self-loathing I’ve been feeling over this all evening is making me wish I drank, or that klonopin would shut my brain up instead of just fucking me up the entire next day. I just want to forget I exist for a bit. I’m sick of being sick of myself. this is all fixable and I know it, but I’m taking it so hard even though they tried to assure me it wasn’t a bad thing and that everyone has things they can work on. I know that’s the truth. but I still struggle with knowing I’m messing up.

it did help writing it out. I do have to fill out that fucking packet they gave me. but at least working through my thoughts on it now while I’m still kind of upset gives me a better sense of what I want to say. what I can try to do, what I can ask for to help me do better within my limits. 

I know all this, and it still feels shitty. the doctor told me not to go home and beat myself up over it, and I joked oh, I absolutely will. and I am. I knew it would happen. but I also told her that despite hating criticism I know I need it. that’s how you do better. know what you’re doing wrong first. maybe I hate the wrist-slap more than knowing I need to improve. I always think I suck and I’m not good enough at anything or for anything, I always want to do better. I mostly hate how this was brought to my attention. a bunch of things all at once. granted they have brought up individual things to me in the past and I really have been trying to work on them. maybe it slips my mind, I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve gotten into the habits I’ve gotten into and they just need some tweaking. it’s shitty knowing that people have been talking about me and my performance without me knowing. I hate feeling watched like that, like people have been making mental checklists of the things I’ve done wrong. I know why I needed to hear this. I know all of it. I just hate it.

part of my brain even wants to go to the extreme of “guess I can never do a fucking job because I always fuck something up, might as well either do something completely on my own or just straight-up die bc I’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything” and that’s so shitty because they literally just told me it’s not the end of the world. I’m sure it’d be a fireable offense if it kept happening and I made no effort to fix it but. I clearly want to fix it. I don’t know why I’m just nonstop berating myself and jumping to that nonsense.

even though I got a lot of it out and managed to calm myself down a little, I’m sure I’m going to forget everything I just wrote and have to come back to this a few times so my asshole brain doesn’t spiral again and again. this doesn’t warrant hating myself, and yet here I am. I’m glad they chose to tell me this before I had a few days off to gather my thoughts but I’m also a little upset because I know it’s going to ruin my entire weekend mood-wise. it shouldn’t, but I know it will. I know I’m going to go back in on monday with my tail between my legs. maybe it’ll help to have a plan with what I need and set aside time with the doctors to get that information. I do think I just need a little more clarification on a few things, and if I’ve already gotten it and keep forgetting, I need to have an accessible place for that information so it’s not vanished into the sludge bucket that is my brain. I hate having to ask people to repeat things I feel like I should know. maybe I really am the type of person that needs a step-by-step flowchart kind of deal, at least for the most general of interactions. if this, then do this. if client says this, then say one of these things. I know it’s not always that cut-and-dry, but I do feel like having that at a basic level and then “anything outside this? ask a doctor/tech” would be really helpful for me. I’m not sure if that’s too much to ask. at least until I can manage to get those things habitual enough to not need to consult a reference.

ok I need to stop. the more I keep sitting here writing about it the worse I feel. again. I hate that I can’t stop dwelling on stupid shit like this either. it’s only going to ruin my whole weekend because I can’t just work out what I need to change and move the fuck on with my life.

[sprucebodylab1]

Pure Essence CBD Tincture Oil Review

Pure Essence CBD Tincture Oil Review

Hey guys! Guilherme here.

Today I am going to talk about my experience with a great CBD hemp oil I have been taking during the last month: Pure Essence CBD Oil.

I suffer from chronic pain and a lot of anxiety, which is why I decided to give this product a try and write about my experience.

Hope you enjoy it!

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Summary of my experience

What is CBD Oil?

My Experience With Pure Essence's CBD Hemp Oil

Verdict

I’ve been trialing Pure Essence’s CBD hemp oil for some weeks now - originally because I wanted to find a healthy and sustainable way to deal with my chronic pain condition, but over the last few days I’ve also been using it to fend off insomnia, soothe jangled nerves and boost my overall brain function.

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When I first added CBD oil to my healthcare routine, I have to admit that I was fairly skeptical; news of CBD oil’s many health benefits hadn’t passed me by completely, but I wasn’t fully convinced that a simple, cold-pressed plant extract could really affect so many disparate and seemingly unconnected parts of my life - from pain right through to mood.

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Three weeks of daily use have completely changed my mind on that though, and I’ve found myself seizing every opportunity to tell my friends and family about its benefits.

In this review, I’m going to explain why CBD oil works, and then walk you through my experience with the supplement so that you can see how it has helped me to improve my life.

Summary of my experience

Helped with my pain a lot

Improved my anxiety

Helped me with my sleep

Improved focus

Convenient to take

What is CBD Oil?

First things first, it’s important to establish what CBD oil actually is.

As you may have heard, it’s derived from hemp which is - technically speaking - the same plant that cannabis is sourced from.

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CBD oil won’t make you ‘high’ though.

It’s a strictly-medicinal preparation that’s made by cold-pressing strains of the hemp plant that are very low in THC (the active compound in marijuana).

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Once it is in your system, CBD oil is understood to interact with the body’s own endocannabinoid system; a specific subsection of the peripheral and central nervous system that helps to regulate appetite, pain-sensation, mood, memory, fertility and sleep.

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​Rather than directly altering your state of mind, studies show that the active compounds in CBD oil actually help with the uptake and expression of the native endocannabinoids that are produced by your body.

It essentially ‘kick-starts’ your system and helps the body to mitigate the negative effects of conditions that cause anxiety, persistent pain or insomnia.

As I mentioned before, I was initially quite skeptical about the way CBD oil would affect my body; I didn’t see how taking a few drops of plant extract could have such a positive effect, but long-term use has shown me that the hype surrounding this natural hemp product is, for the most part, grounded in reality.

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Studies have shown that long-term use can help with:

​Inflammation

Joint pain

Aching muscles

Poor or disrupted sleep

Anxiety

Low mood

Poor concentration

Focus

And there is some suggestion that phytocannabinoids like CBD might also be naturally antioxidant, which means that they can neutralize the harmful, oxygen-free radicals that are understood to damage your cells on a daily basis.

I can’t speak to the veracity of claims about the antioxidant effects, but I can definitely confirm that Pure Essence’s CBD tincture oil really did help to boost my focus, reduce my pain, ease my anxiety and improve the quality of my sleep, which has always been troubled.

Like most of us, I have a high stress job and my busy modern lifestyle means that I’m often plagued by fatigue, pain and sleepless nights.

However, a few weeks spent taking regular doses of CBD oil has mitigated a lot of these problems, and I do feel like it has improved my life significantly. To give you some insight, I’ve detailed my experience below - starting right at the beginning of my journey, and working through to the point I’m at now.

My Experience With Pure Essence's CBD Hemp Oil

I first heard about CBD oil online; reading forum threads about chronic pain management.

A few hours of browsing later, I’d settled on Pure Essence’s product - partly because it’s one of the few options that’s pressed from organic hemp plants, but also because the manufacturer uses a CO2 extraction method, which is designed to keep the product nice and pure. The snazzy green label didn’t hurt either.

Once I’d picked a CBD oil, actually making the purchase was incredibly easy.

Almost too easy, considering that I was ordering something that had been extracted from a cannabis plant.

 I just had to fill out my details, verify my payment and, after a couple of days, I had a small glass bottle of CBD oil lying in my hand.

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​It did take me a couple of days to actually try the stuff though.

When I decided to try it out, I’d had a busy week and I’d just got home after a long shift.

My back, hips and neck ached, but the usual OOC pain meds just weren’t taking the edge off, so I decided to give my new purchase a try.

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​As has now become habit, I squeezed a few drops onto my tongue and lay back on my couch to see what would happen.

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​I didn’t feel anything particularly significant to begin with; my joints felt a little looser, maybe, and I noticed a slight reduction in pain but it wasn’t until 20-30 minutes had passed that I noticed a significant change.

It felt like I was soaking in a hot bath, and all of the pent-up pain in my joints was slowly floating away.

I wouldn’t describe it as euphoric, per-say, but I definitely felt more relaxed than I had done for a long-time, and I could move freely - without the ​usual pain.

The next morning, I decided to try some before work; hoping that I could prevent the aches and pains from starting and reducing my anxiety.

Following the instructions on the bottle, I dropped another 2-3 drops under my tongue and let them soak in before downing my morning coffee.

And it might be because Pure Essence’s cold-pressed CBD oil is a really concentrated product, but those 3 drops really were enough to keep me from feeling any real pain until the latter-half of a very busy day.

I’m on my feet a lot every day, rushing from meeting to meeting or standing by the water-cooler to brief people on the mornings activity and I generally find that I’m in pretty pronounced discomfort by around 10am.

That second day though, I didn’t even stop to think about the pain until I was winding down in my office.

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I did notice another advantage too.

My morning sailed past, and I found it very easy to focus on my work and my usual anxiety was, surprisingly, not there. 

I didn’t find myself sitting back to rub my eyes.

I felt sharp, focused, more alert than usual, and I found it really easy to blaze through all of the mundane tasks - even things like answering all the emails that were filling up my inbox, which is probably one of the most mentally taxing parts of my day.

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I think it was that second day that made me really want to keep using the CBD oil. Taking away the aches and pains felt amazing, but the enhanced clarity and focus was another huge plus point, given that I used to find myself wandering around in something of a fugue by 1-2pm.

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​After I noticed that I was genuinely feeling more focused after a small dose, I started taking it regularly for a couple of weeks; once in the morning, and once when I got home from work.

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​After a while, I began to notice that I was much more likely to sleep right through the night, and I did also notice that it felt much easier to fall asleep in the first place too.

I wouldn’t say it was a hugely significant shift and it definitely took some time to materialize but, by the end of week one, the pesky thoughts that normally stopped me from dozing off slid away much more easily, and I woke feeling much more rested every morning.

​At this point, I was pretty sold on regularly taking CBD oil, but I was also aware of the fact that the human brain is prone to suppressing pain when it feels it ought to be pain free, and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t the placebo effect.

To verify, I stopped taking CBD oil for three full days and while the first day seemed just as good as the preceding weeks, I really did notice an increase in the pain, soreness and fatigue that I was experiencing by day three.

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​I also had a near-sleepless night towards the end of day two and while these used to be fairly commonplace, it felt very unpleasant after a couple of weeks spent being permanently well-rested.

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​And this does correlate with some of the reading I’ve done around the subject: several recent studies show that your endocannabinoid system is very delicate, but also show that it has a definite rhythm, which means that anything which changes the way your receptors work takes a few days to really sink in.

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​This would explain why I didn’t notice the improved sleep until the end of my first week, and it would also explain why it took a couple of days without CBD oil for me to start feeling like I used to feel.

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I’m taking CBD tincture oil again regularly now, and I think it’s fair to say that I’ll do so for the foreseeable future.

It’s definitely helped me to cope with my pain, and I find that it also improves my anxiety and everything from my ability to focus, right through to my general mood.

It’s not a cure-all, by any means, but it can be a big help if you suffer from a lot of persistent pain, anxiety or sleeplessness.

It’s also useful for those of us that find it hard to focus at work, or spend a lot of our time feeling worn out. I’m a big fan of the fact that Pure Essence’s CBD oil is a very concentrated product that you can just drop under the tongue.

I hate having to mix things into my drinks and I much prefer to just get my medication down my throat as fast as I possibly can.

That said, you can add some CBD hemp oils to hot drinks, and you can even vape some varieties so there’s an option out there to suit everyone.

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One of the great things about Pure Essence’s CBD Oil is the fact that it’s made in a way that’s designed to ensure that all of the delicate antioxidants are preserved during the creation process.

It’s worth noting that all of the studies that have verified CBD oil’s ability to fight oxidative damage, protect neurons and reverse the effect of diseases like Alzheimer's have been conducted using cold-pressed oils.

Verdict

I am glad I decided to try this product out.

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I honestly thought CBD hemp oil was more of a hype/marketing scheme than an actual quality product for pain and anxiety.

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Boy was I wrong though.

I have been taking Pure Essence CBD Tincture Oil for a little over a month now and I extremely satisfied with the results.

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As I stated before, not only did my everyday pain decrease almost completely, I felt a lot less anxious throughout the day, I slept a lot better and my overall mood improved.

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Now you see why I recommend this product?

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If you suffer from any of these things, you should definitely try this product and thank me later! 

Go To Pure Essence's Website

source https://sprucebodylab.com/mind/pure-essence-cbd-tincture-oil-review/

[amberjacksonart-blog]

Community and Togetherness - Depression research questionnaire

In order to accurately inform my audience for this project, I decided to carry out a questionnaire on depression. I accumulated data on potential causes for the illness, ages, environmental influences, etc. This also included how depression makes the individual feel. Attached is the results of that questionnaire. 

Upon advertising my intent to carry out a questionnaire, I realised how no men applied for the questionnaire, which I felt was tremendously telling of how men are the smallest demographic of society to seek help for mental illnesses. I found this to be just awful.

Click “keep reading” to view the results. 

What is your age?

17 30 46 29 22 23 33 19 19

What is your gender?

Female Female Female Female Female Female Female Female Female

What is your sexual orientation?

x Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Bisexual/Heterosexual Bisexual Bisexual

What is your ethnicity?

White British White White British White White British Hispanic White Eurasian mixed White British

What are your religious views? (Christian, Buddhist, atheist, etc)

Christian Christian Christian x x Catholic Atheist Agnostic Agnostic

What form of depression do you suffer with? (Clinical, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, etc)

Clinical depression Postpartum and clinical depression Clinical and Seasonal Affective Disorder Not certain Not certain Clinical depression Clinical depression Clinical depression Clinical depression

How long have you suffered with depression?

Diagnosed for 5 years, symptoms displayed for 8 years. 6 years 28 years 4/5 years 5+ years 4 years 3 years 2.5 years Diagnosed for 3 years, symptoms displayed for 8 years.

How frequently do you display signs of being depressed?

Weekly, but when I spiral the signs are constant. Often Weekly On a fairly regular basis Daily Every couple of months. Sometimes every month in a row. Weekly Can be every few months or weekly. Every day

Do you suffer with any other illnesses, in addition to depression? (Cancer, anxiety, diabetes, etc) If so, do you feel these illnesses have an effect on or caused your depression?

I suffered from insomnia and anxiety before I was diagnosed with depression. I feel as though all three of these illnesses exacerbate each other. When I don’t sleep I am more anxious, when I am more anxious I become more depressed. When I am in a depressed state I stop sleeping which aggravates the insomnia and anxiety etc.

Postpartum anxiety

I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Feeling constantly tired and in pain has a significant impact on my mood.

x

Anxiety

Anaemia and I’ve been told it directly affects it.

Anxiety, which makes depression a lot worse. Anxiety causes the inability to think clearly in moments of distress. When depressed, this adds just a state of almost panic with the distress.

Higher functioning Autism and Anxiety - yes, Autism affects the way I behave in situations that may be unusual which has made me a target for bullying. My anxiety has meant that I cannot deal with stressful situations or makes me overthink things which has lead to negative thoughts about myself and my lack of ability to cope as well as others.

Anxiety. Anxiety has coupled with my depression, as the two commonly come together. Both prevent sleep and my anxiety makes my depression worse in the sense that I can’t interact with people and leave my house.

Are you aware of any biological factors which might have caused your depression? (Hormonal imbalances, hereditary factors, etc)  If it developed with no cause, or no clear cause, please state.

Hormone imbalance.

I think it runs in the family. Probably genetic.

My Dad's family all have some form of Mental Health problems, so yes I believe it is hereditary.

It seems like it’s a hormonal imbalance since it often coincides with my period, but it doesn’t always, and the symptoms started without warning fairly recently, even though I’ve been having my period since I was 12.

No known cause.

Iron deficiency but I’m not entirely sure.

PTSD, and life changing injury mainly triggered the depression. No hormonal imbalances or heredity.

Family history of mental health (Inc. depression).

Hormone imbalance. It occurs at its worse during the start of my menstrual cycle. It also runs in the family on my mum’s side, so is likely hereditary also.

Have you experienced any traumatic or distressing situations which might have affected and/or caused depression? (Assault, homelessness, racism, bullying, unhealthy relationships, etc)

I was severely bullied for 10 years.

Spiritual abuse/trauma.

I was bullied at school, but I am unsure if this contributed to my depression.

Sexual assault as a child, abandonment from a parent as a teenager, bullying in middle school.

Bullying, child abuse and childhood rape.

I was kicked out of my previous university right before it started.

Sexual assault, bullying through social media, car accident and leg injury. All contributed to depression.

Victim of child abuse, kidnapping, sexual harassment/assault.

Bullying, parents’ divorce, grandparents becoming ill, psychological manipulation.

Which symptoms do you experience as a result of depression? (Irritability, difficulty sleeping, suicidal thoughts, etc) Please list all, unless not comfortable to do so. Suicidal thoughts, difficulty sleeping, binge eating, self harm, poor concentration, the need to

isolate myself, no motivation.

Insomnia, occasional suicidal thoughts, compulsivity, abuse of food/alcohol, irritability, terrible anxiety.

Irritability, difficulty sleeping, suicidal thoughts, although I have no real desire to harm myself, low mood, tearful, irritable bowel syndrome, frequent viral illnesses, memory problems, poor concentration, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, self hating, weight gain.

Lethargy, irritability, lack of desire to do things I’m interested in, occasional suicidal thoughts, inability to have even the most basic social interactions.

Suicidal thoughts, wanting to hurt myself, nightmares.

Irritability, anger, lack of sleep occasionally, loss of appetite, loss of interest, sadness.

Irritable, loneliness, isolation, suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts (without intention), low mood, irritability, self harm, periods of insomnia, withdrawal from other people, lack of motivation. Suicidal thoughts, self harm, lack of energy, lack of motivation, insomnia, overeating, vomiting, feelings of not feeling good enough, irritability, sensitivity.

Have you sought medical help for depression? Yes. Yes. Yes. I started taking birth control to help with the hormonal imbalance, but I haven’t specifically sought treatment for the depression itself. No. No, not yet. Yes. Sought counselling (unsuccessful, I believe it made me feel worse). Trying to avoid need for medication. Yes.

Are you currently receiving any help for depression? (Counsellors, talking therapies, medication, etc)

Not currently but I have had CBT and three years of counselling.

Talk therapy, medication for anxiety, etc.

Medication, although I have tried one to one Counselling, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and a group depression group all without any improvement in my mental health.

No.

No.

I’m not taking any meds for the depression directly but the medication I’m taking formy anaemia seems to be helping.

Yes, therapy.

No. I am on waiting lists but have had no response.

Yes. I have doctor’s appointments every two weeks and am currently taking medication.

Have you ever reached out through helplines for help?

Yes.

Not as of yet.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Yes, in suicidal moments, twice.

No.

Yes, when I was feeling suicidal.

Do you have loved ones who you can turn to for help? (Friends, family, etc)

Yes, friends, family and a supportive online community.

Yes.

Yes, both family and friends.

Yes.

Yes, but I struggle to talk about it. I would have to go into my reasons for the way I feel and I don’t feel that I can tell members of my family because of how it would affect them.

Yes.

Some, yes, but I don’t typically like to.

Yes, friends. Yes. I have an online group of friends who are always there to talk to, as well as family who are loving and some who also suffer with depression. My local friends do not understand and don’t offer much support, so I don’t feel as close to them anymore. 

How easy is it for you to talk to others about depression?

It can take a while to build up the confidence or comfort to be able to open up about it as it is a very personal and sensitive subject for me and I am fully aware of the stigma that still surrounds mental illness.

Fairly easy, depending on the person.

Not very easy, because most people don't understand.

It depends on who I am discussing it with. I am better at discussing it with my close friends who I met through social media than I am my mom or people I know in real life.

Very difficult.

It’s pretty easy if I or someone else bring up the subject. But I have trouble coming out and saying something’s wrong.

Not usually easy, but I’m getting better with some friends that have been open to talk with.

Not easy. Usually if I'm talking about it I make light of it and make jokes, I don’t like speaking about my depression, although I feel as if joking about it makes it seem not so real/not a big deal and I can get through it.

Easy with friends on social media, and family. I have an understanding doctor, though it is hard to talk to her about my suicidal thoughts. I don’t talk to my local friends about it anymore. They don’t understand and it makes me want to hide away. I never bring it up with not so close friends or those at university. I did once, and the person didn’t understand. I felt like a freak. 

Do you feel depression is a condition that affects or hinders your ability to function in a work, education or social environment?

Yes, in the past it has caused me to stop attending school, I temporarily quit my part time job. In secondary school I was given two days off a week in year 11 as I could not handle the full 5 days without having a breakdown. I don’t really go out as much as my friends do, especially if I’m in a depressive state.

I have intense social anxiety with it, so yes, I often don’t want to leave the house. Yes it greatly affects it. Sufferers are often affected by a severe loss of energy, they suffer concentration problems, therefore impacting on their work output, colleague relationships can be affected because of other people not understanding why a depressed person is acting the way they are. Often sufferers become very isolated and don't feel comfortable around people, they need space and to deal with things in their own time and without pressure.

Yes

Yes

It doesn’t anymore but when it was starting out, it affected my wanting to take pictures and work on my photography edits which I’m currently majoring in.

I still am able to work, but social situations can be harder with depression.

It affects my motivation and can also affect my sleep, this means I am either too tired to work or I do not have the motivation to complete set work.

Absolutely. I am now working on university projects primarily from home, as it is too hard to travel to university every day and sit in lectures I often don’t have the mental focus for. I am also unemployed, as I can’t cope with more than university at the moment. Even then, I’m not coping well.

Do you feel depression has an effect on how you interact with others? Does it put strains on your relationships?

Definitely, I am quite guarded and paranoid about people intentions and judgements. I have lost friends due to depression and I do feel like a burden to my friends sometimes.

Absolutely.

Yes very much so. I don't enjoy the company of other people, other than close family.

At times, yes. There are time where it feels almost physically impossible for me to interact at all.

Definitely.

It makes it hard to sometimes even talk to people.

Yes it does and has.

I am often irritable or short with people which can cause people to become annoyed with me. Some choose to ignore me completely when I am like this which makes me feel even worse.

Yes. I no longer spend time with friends. I don’t attend parties, I don’t go out for meals. I miss family occasions and I have lost friends as a result. When they don’t reach out to make sure I’m okay, it makes me feel worse. And when they stop inviting me places altogether, it makes me feel unwanted and likely to never hang out, should I ever feel better. Not extending an invitation at all feels far worse than inviting me and having to decline the offer.

Do you feel society’s misconceptions and stigma are preventing you from seeking help?

It did to begin with.

Not necessarily. I don’t feel a stigma on me but I do think most people truly don’t get it.

No

No, not me specifically. But I feel like the lack of understanding of it on part of the older generations - my mom or her boyfriend, for example - has hindered my desire to get help.

Yes

No I think my own thoughts are the ones preventing me from seeking help.

I think it delayed my getting help a LONG time, and that’s unfortunate, and I didn’t have to suffer alone. The stigma still hangs over us and we tend to still think that we’re just broken. I feel that the stigma around seeking medication especially has made me hesitant to see about going on antidepressants. Also I feel as if I am not allowed to feel depressed because of my circumstances, almost as if my depression is a weakness caused by the fact I am not working hard enough to be content/happy and that I need to try harder to be strong. Not medical help, but reaching out to friends who don’t suffer with a mental illness is hard. They think I’m simply sad or need to hang out somewhere to lift my spirits. It makes me less likely to talk to them about how I’m feeling.

How easily accessible do you feel medical help is for depression and other mental illnesses? Do you feel other social groups, ages, genders, etc, have greater access to these services than yourself?

Not easily accessible at all, for anyone.

Not particularly. When I had postpartum depression I was constantly assured to seek help.

GP help is readily available, but often there is insufficient funding put into services for mental health problems. I particularly feel that more needs to be done to address mental health problems in children.

x

Not very accessible.

I’m not sure.

Not really, I do have good insurance, but at the same time it’s difficult to find the proper help either way.

I feel that while there are a lot of services to help young people with mental health issues, they often have long waiting lists and (in my experience) after waiting so long the help you do receive is minimal and impersonal, like you are just another person to get through and move on. The best help seems to be out of reach. I feel that adults have better services for mental health (maybe they are taken more seriously?), however the issue of waiting for treatment can be much worse so it almost evens out.

I don’t particularly feel any other social groups have greater access, but I do think mental illnesses as a whole are hard to find help for. People tend to disregard you and make automatic judgements. Those with physical illnesses you can evidently see will find help a lot faster.

Do you know other people who suffer from depression? Are they close to you? Are you someone they turn to for help?

Yes, I have friends who suffer depression. I do sometimes ask for support from them because I know they have an awareness of the degree of feelings however I do worry about subjects being detrimental to their mental health so sometimes I just keep it to myself.

A couple of my friends struggle but they don’t often discuss it with me. A few friends I have in online communities often discuss it with me and offer support and seek help and support with me.

I know lots of people with depression, in fact I know more people with depression than without. There are some people who I would be more willing to approach for help.

Yes to all three.

I do. Yes they do turn to me a lot. I try and talk them through their problems and they say that it helps.

I have several who do and I always make it a point to let them know I’m always open if they need someone to talk to.

Yes, I know several friends who have various forms of depression, and yes they sometimes turn to me for help.

I have friends and family who suffer from depression. I always try and be someone they can turn to because I know how it feels to be ignored or pushed aside because of their feelings and I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are alone in their battle.

Many family members suffer from depression, and a big volume of my best friends suffer from depression. They are in an online community of mine, so it’s easier to open up. We’re there for each other.

Is there anything else you would like to add? 

Regarding the medical help for depression I was referred to a specialist clinic when I was 15. The wait for the appointment was 9 months. They graded me as a high risk service user who needed help but they said I still wasn’t unwell enough to qualify for care and I was essentially left to my own devices. This has somewhat put me off from wanting to seek more help. x x x x x Depression is just like any illness, and I wish it was recognized as such. It needs to be talked about, people need to understand it and understand how much it can affect people and their lives and the others in their life. It’s a dangerous disease just like cancer can be, but it’s in the mind, so harder to pinpoint. It’s very powerful and can affect one’s physical health. We need more people to take the time to listen and open up to the concept of how often and how many people suffer from depression in some way. Some people have it in waves, some have it with triggering events, it can come at any time. x x

[0225pm]

currently listening to: nothing without you / 10cm please click on the link and give it a listen while reading the english translations of the lyrics because it speaks for me.

yo haha

han is probably not gonna like that i posted that first photo of him and his bird’s nest hair because he thinks it’s ugly but he’ll always sparkle in my eyes hehe.

anyway on this day i decided to run away from responsibilities (i need to find a shorter word or phrase for skipping work other than just “skipping work”) and went to see the doctor at bedok polyclinic.

did you know? bedok polyclinic has moved! after god knows how many years but ya they’ve moved to a new location situated in a building right beside fairprice. i forgot what’s the name of the building. i think heart@bedok or something idk LOL but yay to new facilities and the hospital-like interior! i actually really dig the new place.

ok so the night before i asked han if he can accompany me and he was like sure what time? and i said idk maybe around 2? and he’s like okkkkkk but then he came late anyway but haha forgivable cus i’m forever late also besides, even if he came early we would still have to end up waiting anyway cus even after he arrived, i was still waiting for my number to be called e_____e 

me: so long sia the person at the registration counter say maybe must wait 2-3 hours and told me probably around 4:20pm my number will be called han: ya la everyone today monday blues then want to see doctor cus all never go work me: >____> 

and then he went to the vending machine and bought some drinks and a snack. we decided to sit at the area near the vending machine for awhile before moving over closer to the tv screen thingy where your number will be shown when it’s being called. we sat there for like idk i think 15-20 mins just talking shit and me touching han’s face and neck LOLLLL because his body’s so warm and i was cold af even though i was wearing a pullover, until this lady asked us to move and sit inside.

lady: hi are you still waiting? if waiting you can wait inside. me: oh but my room isn’t in hub A, mine’s hub B.  lady: then you cannot sit here because here only for hub A. me: ?????????? han: ????????  me: oh really ah....... han: duduk sini bayar lain pe (i can’t rly rmbr what he said but i know he sounded annoyed hahahaha damn funny and he even said it loudly wtf gile boi want to carik pasal) me: *stands up* hahahaha let’s go bb there got seats *points to hub B area* (which is fucking just beside hub A LOOLLLLL) han: *moves along with me while still muttering the duduk lain bayar lain thingy*

and then!!!!!

me: bb come sit beside me la *there were two empty seats and i already sat in one) han: *moves his butt* random lady: *sits beside me* me: LOLLLLLLLLL  han:  me: you so slow LOL han:  han: *continued sitting on the arm rest of the sofa couch* me: are you comfortable haha do you want to move? *points to another area of empty chairs* han: i’m ok baby i’m sitting also what here me: um okkkkkk

but lol tbh i wasn’t even complaining bc him sitting on the arm rest thingy actually made me feel so fluffy bc i can grab his arm and smell his old man perfume jacket. idk why la but just holding his arm makes me feel so safe and warm and nice wtf idk how to like describe the feeling but i love it la ok. and then he pat my head hahahaha and i was being so passive aggressive about cus i said smth like it’s r00d but actually i like it wtf bodo sia me *facepalm* then he talked about how it doesn’t matter cus he’ll be paying for my head anyway and i was so confused at this point cus like uh what do you mean paying for my head??? then he explained about the zakat thing and how the man in the fam must pay all. quite interesting bc my parents did talked about zakat thingy before but i don’t really know much about it.

also!!! i’m not tryna like stir beef w old men out there but like i described the perfume as old man bc it smells exactly like the perfume my nose sometimes decide to take a whiff of when i walk past old yalam men going to the mosque. also!!! apparently the perfume is from a small bottle that his grandad gave him/used to use or smth i can’t rmbr clearly sorry this post is like 2 days old my memory is shit i need to learn the mind palace thing!!!

i also saw mustakim and his boyfriend!! at first i was like ooooh who is that familiar person and then i realised it was him but we didn’t acknowledge each other hahhahaha 

///////

ok ya so i went to see the doctor and decided to ask for doxycycline again to help with my acne and bumps. she also prescribed some 2.5% benzoyl peroxide for me though i’m currently tryna steer clear of any acne treatment products at the time being cus my skin is already super dry after washing my face and all those products i dumped on my face to help soothe and relief the pain when my face had a crazy ass breakout party the other time. also apparently you’re supposed to religiously take doxy for like 6 months before you can really see the difference wtf. i’ve been taking them for only a month and then i stopped cus i thought it wasn’t helping at all and the doctor before this that prescribed me doxy the 1st and 2nd time didn’t even tell me such basic info. but ya you’re supposed to take it for about 6 months but some people can see some changes in the period of 3-4 months. then she told me to just come back for monthly visitations and see if there’s any improvement. i should have probably also set an appointment for next month so i don’t have to wait so long for my turn but i didn’t ahhahahahaha

////////

then after more waiting for the collection of the meds, payment and official stamp for my mc, we finally went to eat!!! yayerz

han told me that there was fish n chicks at the coffee shop beside princess and i was like ?????? really???????? omg wow i didn’t know they have an outlet here in the east wah damn near leh!!!!!! so we decided to eat there! i would have taken better photos but nvm la hungry already also hahaha! i got chargrilled chicken with cheese pasta and fries for the sides, and han got black pepper chicken with the same sides. i’m gonna try their popular hawaiian chicken next time cus i saw a photo of it on the internet and it looks frikin delish!!! kinda wish i had ordered that one instead but it’s ok there’s always a next time!

and then we sat there for a really long time, the sun even set and the evening skies started taking over the day. we talked about so many things, mainly about what happened the other time at the hotel (will be in another post!), how cheated he felt when i didn’t wear matching outfits with him on the day we went to afa, how disappointed he was when he knew i wasn’t able to come on the day his mom got married after telling his cousins about me and styling his hair, grooming himself just to see my reaction when he pick me up, and then about NS stuff.

i felt so sorry.  and felt even shittier after he told me that he doesn’t wanna wear or try to initiate wanting to wear anything matchy anymore. but i guess, i understand. he doesn’t really like matching things (kinda sux bc i like it) and when he tried to do it, i ended up just brushing his efforts aside. 

sigh.

i was even more sorry about the day of the marriage. cus it was also our 9th month, an even special day for us. yet everything was ruined when all he wanted was to see me. i wanted to see him too, but circumstances wouldn’t let us. 

but i learnt something through this talk we had.  i’m also glad that he tells me things now without me having to force it out of him. i’m not sure if he realised that he tells me things but i really like that raw and vulnerable side of him when he talk about how he feels. not because it makes me feel like i have authority or whatever, but more so because he trusts me enough to confide and have a h2h talk about whatever he feels displeased with rather than just keep it to himself and letting his true thoughts and feelings consume him from the inside.

also by knowing our mistakes, and the hurt we caused each other because of our actions, we can learn from the mistakes and work things out together to try and prevent the same or similar things from happening again in the future. 

communication is really the key and i’m happy to know that han feels the same because he wants the relationship to go far. damn i’m starting to sound old. or maybe this is part of me adulting in a relationship. 

(to be continued)

[sanguinesprout]

@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!

[practicalhelp]

THE BORING STUFF

It’s been a helluva couple of weeks and it’s reminded me that there are soo many irritating things involved in keeping yourself afloat in the midst of a flare up. I’m actually not even sure where to begin but it seems logical to list the issues that have come up for me recently as I know that unfortunately, they will come up for everyone who suffers with a chronic condition at some point. In the past few weeks I’ve started a new job, had my first pain clinic appointment, had a day treatment at the hospital (requiring sedation and day or two of recovery), had my period (awful), had a number of GP appointments, sent off a claim for DSA (disabled students allowance), applied for an extension on a uni deadline (due to hospital/period/illness/work) and attempted to keep up with all missed lectures and tutorials due to work and sickness whilst trying to keep myself fed, watered and relatively sane. And if that doesn’t seem like a lot, imagine doing all those things while feeling like you’re dragging a led weight behind you everywhere you go, having a hazy memory and slow reactions due to heavy duty pain meds as well as the extreme fatigue and low mood that endo flare ups bring. Not to mention my fun new symptom.. completely numb legs and horrible joint pain?! What is that about. Ultimately having a chronic illness (or two, or three!) feels like a part time job. There is so much planning involved, so many forms, calculating the best dates to do things so that you don’t let people down and the financial stress of working out how much medication and hospital trips are going to cost you. I don’t know if people realise quite how much work has to go into these things before you can allow yourself to relax and heal. I’m so so lucky that I have a network of extremely supportive and helpful people at my fingertips, who overwhelm me with their kindness and understanding, but I’m sure many of you are familiar with not wanting to feel like a burden on them and trying to do everything yourself. It gets overwhelming. The past few weeks, I was overwhelmed. I feel quite positive at the moment having come back from my treatment last week with news that there doesn’t appear to be endo on my bowel and that the extreme pain is just (another) unfortunate side effect of the condition. It sounds strange to be positive about that, but it means going ahead with trying some different pain relief targetted more to IBS symptoms rather than surgery (for now) so it feels like a small victory and I think it’s important to treat it like one. BUT the general chaos has caught up with me and I know I’m trying to cram too much in at the moment. Although they’re all positive things that will improve life in the long run, the combination of them is exhausting and finally, this weekend, I have a couple of days to regroup and readjust. I try really hard to handle things practically and as efficiently as possible these days, rather than let my worries build up and feel like something unmanageable. This is a lot easier said than done and luckily I’m in quite a stable and positive mental state at the moment which helps HUGELY in the organising of my day to day routine. For me, it helps to divide my life into five sections: uni, work, money, health and social life. Instead of feeling completely overwhelmed by a swirling mass of problems, I’ll think about how I can improve each of them in small ways and it feels a lot less daunting. I often feel like as one gets worse, so does another. What happened this past couple of weeks goes like this: work was busy and stressful, so uni work suffered. I was feeling tired and ill so was spending money on unnecessary things to perk myself up as well as more expensive food because I had no time to food shop. I got my period which along with being mega painful, turned into a vicious coldy run down bug which dragged on for longer than it should have because I wasn’t letting myself rest. And the idea of a social life at this point is laughable, although going for a drink on Monday night in an attempt to be a regular carefree young person resulted in me throwing up all of Tuesday because my body likes to punish me for trying to be normal. And why the throwing up? Probably because I’m out of my stomach meds and had no time to get them as well as the fact that I’ve started a new contraceptive pill which has historically given me an upset belly for the first couple of months. Constant, niggling, little problems that add up total stressy meltdown if not monitored. Incredibly boring explanations aside, I guarantee that if you separate your life into sections right now and try to think up easy solutions to the problems in each you might feel a bit less overwhelmed. If you’re thinking that this method seems familiar - you got me. It’s typically used in CBT sessions for anxiety and quite honestly it’s the only useful technique I ever got out those sessions. I’m thinking I’m gonna do a post on each of these five topics separately because I have been blessed with two solid days off and also - there’s a lot of shit to get through. For now let’s talk about moneeeeys and how to not lose it all on paying for meds! Essentially, financial help means a million forms that can be difficult to fill in. As I’m a student I can claim for DSA (Disabled Students Allowance) which is relatively straight forward. If you’re in education and suffer from endometriosis or any long term health condition (including a mental health condition) it’s definitely worth getting in touch with the Disability team at your college/university. I initially felt as if I wasn’t ‘ill’ enough to be entitled to help from them but a quick chat with them let me know that they would help me in any way they could. Sometimes you get so used to the complications and negative aspects of managing illness that you forgetting they’re even happening to you, and it’s useful to make a third party aware of that they can remind that you that you do need extra support. I’m also applying for financial help with prescriptions and travel costs through the NHS, using an HC1 form, Again, this is a super long, boring form to fill out and because I now have a part time job I’m not sure what I’ll be entitled to. But it really is all worth doing and you never know what you might gain from it. Head to the NHS website and you’ll find a form for almost every situation that is usually worth having a skim through. You can also go to a local pharmacy and ask if they carry any of these forms or even if they have a moment to speak to you about getting financial help with prescriptions and hospital visits. The same can be said for your GP and they’re usually very willing to help. Aside from HC1 (and HC2) forms, there are Prescription prepayment certificates which allow you pay for prescriptions in 3-month or 12-month blocks which ultimately saves you money and mean you pay no more than £2 a week for the meds. Obviously, this is dependent on how many prescriptions you’re currently on, and this is something I need to speak to my GP about because I am confused and maths is not my strong point. There’s also a page specifically for students on a low income here. On that note, a lot of the financial stuff is difficult to get your head around and it might be helpful to ask a friend/colleague/medical professional to help you understand it, especially if you’re pain and have a lot on your plate already. The theme that will run through these posts is this: don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Even if it feels difficult or awkward at first, it will get easier as soon as you realise how much it will benefit you and how willing people are to help. If you buy any over the counter medication AT all, always ask your GP if it is cheaper on prescription because it often will be. This goes for any pain you may have, even if it isn’t necessarily related to your condition. For example, I would pay a fortune for fancy herbal IBS remedies and peppermint oil capsules and god knows what else when there is usually a very similar product available in bulk from the GP (i.e. mebeverine/colofac). This was also the case with the antihistamines I was taking and can even go as far as medicines you buy and don’t think about like antacids and vitamins. It’s always worth explaining your situation to your doctor and seeing if there is a more cost effective option. The same rule applies when you are buying over the counter, for example when you don’t have time to get a prescription or when what you need can’t be prescribed (like my beloved heat patches waaahh). The pharmacy will have branded products and then they’ll have other options with IDENTICAL ingredients for a fraction of the price. Ask the pharmacist for the cheapest possible option as long as it has the same desired effects and basic ingredients. Don’t buy health stuff from Poundland though because in my experience you will get a rash (and use their heat pads with extreme caution - they’re lethal). LASTLY, sounds like an obvious one but it’s where I often let myself down health wise - know what to eat to make you feel good and always have a lot of it in the house! Ultimately you never know when you’ll be struck down by your temperamental illness and it’s best to be prepared and not fall into bad habits (like constantly ordering pizza even tho it is godly and delicious). My advice is to online grocery shop (Asda is a great option with only £20 min delivery) and stock up on cheap, healthy food whilst monitoring what you spend. My latest trick is to always have excellent smoothie ingredients in so that if I’m mega busy and feeling run down I can make super nutritious, filling, vitaminy, tasty, drinkable meals. Vitaminy is a word, I’ve decided. Have a gander at Holland and Barrett’s website as they always have mega good deals on vitamins and smoothie mixes to keep your immune system in a good state! But also don’t replace meals with smoothies because that’s mad. Also eat non liquid food plz. Next post will beeeee… how to stay sane when your employer doesn’t give a fuck that you’re in debilitating pain! Or more eloquently put: knowing your rights in the workplace as someone with a disability. Hope this made some vague sense and feel free to message me with questions!

[easyweight101]

ICool Review (UPDATED 2017): Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

ICool is an over-the-counter supplement designed to reduce the severity of menopausal symptoms. ICool is intended to reduce hot flashes and night sweats, but also offers some nutritional support.

ICool relies on the key ingredient, genistein, a phytoestrogen, to deliver the menopause relief benefits. ICool also contains ingredients like fish oil and vitamin E and biotin, which provide some nutritional support to the rest of the body.

We’ve discovered that Femmetrinol is the best herbal menopause solution on the market. Made from a blend of ingredients like wild yam and black cohosh, this product delivers relief from mood swings, night sweats and other unpleasant symptoms without any negative side effects. Click here for a closer look at how Femmetrinol can provide some much-needed relief.

Do you know the Best Menopause Supplements of 2017?

ICool Ingredients and Side Effects

The ICool provides an official label that showcases the ingredients. Here’s a look at what you can expect to find in the formula of ICool:

Genistein Vitamin E Biotin Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Genistein: An isoflavone found in soy, this ingredient has a structure similar to that of human estrogen and acts much like the hormone when ingested. Genistein is thought to help prevent osteoporosis and cancer, as well as reduce menopause symptoms with use.

Biotin: Biotin is a vitamin found in a number of foods and is often used to treat thinning hair and support the growth of healthy nails.

Vitamin E: Vitamin E dissolves in fat and can be found in a variety of foods including eggs, meat, poultry, fruits and vegetables. It may have an effect on PMS and menopausal symptoms and is thought to boost energy levels and endurance.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids: Derived from fish oil (in the case of this supplement), omega-3s are used to lower triglyceride levels, as well as help prevent heart attack and stroke, as well as help with cognition and memory.

Click here for a closer look at the ingredients best for hot flashes, mood swings and more.

EDITOR’S TIP: Combine this supplement with a proven menopause pill such as Femmetrinol for better results.

ICool Quality of Ingredients

ICool contains the phytoestrogen, genistein, which has long been studied for its purported effects on helping prevent a variety of hormone-related cancers, as well as its ability to help soothe the more uncomfortable symptoms of menopause.

Unfortunately, the official website does not offer much information about the ingredients included in this blend and has made it rather difficult for users to even find the label on the site. Ingredients like fish oil and the vitamins are well-regarded for their many combined benefits, but they are unlikely to yield any major changes in relation to menopause and the symptoms this transition is generally associated with.

We’re also not sure that genistein, as the sole item that specifically treats menopause, is effective enough on its own to produce the type of benefits advertised on the ICool website.

The most effective herbal treatments for menopause — click here if you’d like to learn more.

The Price and Quality of ICool

ICool is an over-the-counter product sold in a variety of stores, both in person and online—Target, Walmart, Amazon, just to name a few. The product generally costs users about $15 per pack of 30 capsules. The recommended dosing is one pill taken daily, so a pack should last consumers about a month.

The maker of this product does not offer this for item sale directly from the official webpage, though they do offer some coupons accepted at the retail stores mentioned above.

Take a deeper dive into the world of hormone replacement therapy alternatives—experts share their thoughts here.

Business of ICool

ICool is made by a company known as i-Health, a manufacturer of a number of over-the-counter supplements, vitamins and more. Here are their contact details, as well as a bit of background information:

Phone: 800-722-3476

Email: cs@i-healthinc.com

Address: 55 Sebethe Drive Suite 102 Cromwell, CT 06416

The ICool website has a lot of information directed at women starting the menopausal transition—there’s a lot of text space devoted to hot flashes, night sweats and the fact that this product is designed to help users cool down.

Unfortunately, the navigation is really difficult. For all the information about why someone might need this product, there’s no mention regarding the ingredient profile, nor how the product works.

The i-Health website is basically a showcase for its many products, which includes drug store staples like Culturelle and Azo, as well as some lesser known supplements.

This company has detailed their history and commitment to sustainability in great detail, but don’t provide much info about the range of products they sell. Granted, most people will look at a label if they’re purchasing from a brick and mortar store, but online shoppers may have trouble tracking down the right information.

Customer Opinions of ICool

Reviews for ICool documented a wide range in experiences from those who loved the product and declared it a “godsend” and those who did not get the results they were hoping for. Many consumers wrote very little about this product, so it was a challenge to get a good sense of why in worked or didn’t from a large portion of the audience:

“ICool has greatly reduced the severity of my hot flashes, bringing them down from a level 10 to a 4 or 5. It’s not perfect, but I feel like I’m back in control over my body once again, and couldn’t be happier.”

“This is a great alternative to my prescription hormone replacement meds, which usually cost me about $80 a month. This is much more affordable and offers almost the same level of relief.”

“I really didn’t think this product was helpful at all. Thought it would work for hot flashes and night sweats, but no change. As a small consolation, I liked that I was getting my omega-3s out of the way.”

“I get hot flashes multiple time a day, and after taking the whole box, I’ve noticed there’s some improvement, but it’s not enough, I’m still really uncomfortable and probably won’t buy again.”

ICool did receive quite a few positive reviews, but it’s hard to ignore the large portion of consumers that did not receive the results they were hoping for with this purchase.

Many people mentioned that they appreciated that this product was relatively affordable, especially as compared with the prescription drug alternatives to isoflavones or other phytoestrogens. It seemed there was a consensus among a number of users that mentioned that they were pleased with the results given the low cost of the product, but that ICool didn’t exactly exceed any expectations.

In considering the reviews, we’re not sure that ICool is the most effective OTC menopause product, but it’s clear that there’s a following, and that users shouldn’t expect any adverse effects. It’s possible genistein simply doesn’t tackle all menopause symptoms on its own and users should consider a supplement with a more potent formula.

Read our experts’ take on the best ways to naturally soothe the symptoms of menopause. Click here for the lowdown.

Conclusion – Does ICool Work?

ICool appears to be a safe and affordable solution that can be found just about anywhere. And while these factors make this sound like a good product, often, you truly do get what you pay for.

Users did give this product a decent amount of 4 or 5 star ratings, but many came with a caveat—this product is great for the price or that it worked to some extent, but it’s better than my symptoms were before.

Based on the customer information, we’re not convinced this formula of genistein and fish oil is enough to take on serious hot flashes or night sweats, despite the name suggesting otehrwise.

It’s also worth mentioning that i-Health doesn’t do a great job educating website visitors about how, exactly ICool works. The web copy reiterates that this product provides relief for those suffering from menopause symptoms, but doesn’t offer any studies on the whole product, or even any of the ingredients.

Just because i-Health is quite well-established and has a number of high profile retail partners, doesn’t mean consumers don’t want to learn more about what they are putting inside of their bodies. There’s nothing listed in the formula that leads us to believe that this product poses a risk to most consumers (barring those with hormone-sensitive conditions), but we’re not sure ICool is as effective as it says it is.

After looking at the full profile of ICool, we’ve come to the conclusion that we’d rather recommend a product with more ingredients that target menopause, instead of a product that offers a few extra nutrients along with some lukewarm menopause relief benefits.

We most often recommend Femmetrinol to women with moderate to severe menopause symptoms. This product is made from herbal ingredients and is designed to address everything from night sweats to hot flashes and emotional imbalances.

Femmetrinol is made following good manufacturing practices, and has been subject to a number of quality testing measures to ensure maximum benefits. Click here to take a closer look at the ingredients used to make Femmetrinol.

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