#and i end up struggling for a lot longer than needed like wtf am i doing

[eggbertith]

me with my aphantasia thinking i can draw without references and, amazingly, it never works

[suuho]

How has the vocal training been going?? <3

hey!!! initially i wanted to wait with answering this until after my vocal lesson on tuesday but eh, what the hell. i am just gonna... very tentatively say that i am slowly regaining my footing. which, it feels like it happened so quickly i think but the truth is that i have been struggling for well over a year now (in april it will have been a year since i had covid, so that pretty much checks out. that was like the final nail in my coffin, lol), and i probably struggled even longer than that. if i am brutally honest, which. uh. once again, lol. that is why i honestly find it very encouraging when singers i look up to confess that they also struggle and question themselves and their skill; it is normal and human, and it isn't the end of the world either or makes me a terrible singer.

anyways. the thing is, i really truly and well feel like i am fifteen again just with a different skillset. i have started from scratch, mostly. i sing a bunch of the same stuff i sang ten years ago, a lot of rock and pop-punk stuff that taught me how to sing to begin with, like fall out boy and paramore. because those are songs i could already sing, so they are familiar but i have to force myself to sing it properly, stop singing so much from my throat (which i most definitely got rid of before and now i am annoyed that it happens basically unconsciously. it sucks.) i think i need to get an ab workout in again, lmao, because i NEED the support to come easier for me. yoseob, i understand you and your crazy abs wholeheartedly. 😭

my last two vocal lessons went pretty well, though! i am pretty happy with my mix these days, i think i managed to push it a little higher while maintaining the volume, and i am working so hard to not go thin when i sing high anymore, which is another annoying thing that has happened to me after covid. never happened before, now i am like wtf is this???? so i try to consciously adjust that too. the song i picked for my lesson right now is a straight musical theater piece with lots of high belting and it sits right where my voice breaks these days (also smth i worked out before that is now back, lol) and i am not letting up on working through it because i need to figure out how to sing this fucking song properly. technique and all. i need to go through every section and adjust my voice, like i am really treating this like i did when i was fifteen and sang way less challenging songs. so, at least i know i made SOME progress in ten years. lmao.

i sing a lot at work now, so i have gotten rid of most of my anxiety surrounding singing in public. that used to cripple me to death until, like, three years ago or something? i couldn't even sing in front of my teacher, it always fucked me up. but it's nice because now people come up to me and tell me i either have a great voice or they like my music!! lmao.

ok, so!!! uh, i think i am hopefully getting over the hurdle now is what i am saying. and i hope that the progress is not just temporary and that it keeps going like that. i wanna feel comfortable and confident singing again, because i know i can do it. and i know what i am capable of.

yoseob posted videos on his stories of him warming up and singing these past days and that was so encouraging, man. idk. it just made me feel so happy. i admire him so much, i think he is one of the best singers ever and his technique is soooo good. it's so cool how dedicated he is to keep himself in shape, and he also still takes vocal lessons!! he really is such an inspiration to me. i remember when jongdae and jinho would post bits from their vocal warm ups or lessons, that inspires me so much as well. it's just that normal stuff that keeps me going. i guess.

but!!! thank you so much for asking!! this made me so happy. i hope you have a wonderful day!!! 💘💖💓💞💗

[helloalasdair]

What the Funny?!, 9th June

Ah, Pride gigs. WTF is generally queerer than most nights although it's not an official policy exactly - they just book good line ups with demographic diversity in mind. It's also in Totterdown, which is just close enough to the centre that I reckon people are willing to amble over from most places if it takes their fancy.

I have my friends Ellie, Hugh, and Emily there - Ellie lives literally around the corner so she would struggle for an excuse. She also, very gracefully, cooked for us beforehand and it was delicious. I do feel bad that I feel like I only see them at comedy nights, but they're more spontaneous than I am with meetups so I often can't make things last minute. That said, I really appreciate the fact that they've both come to see me a few times now. They've gone way past being polite with it; I never want to hound people to come and see me so it means a lot that they have done seemingly willingly.

Back to the night - I've got an opening 15, it's fine. The real stumbling block is that a work friend and his wife are in the front row. I don't have any jokes that might be, as my manager puts it, a career-limiting manoeuvre, but it's more that Jim and I talk about comedy a lot and his opinion matters to me.

Thankfully, they seem to enjoy themselves (Jim, his wife, my friends, the rest of the audience) and I don't go home worrying I'm going to get fired.

I experimented this evening with putting the boat metaphor earlier on. I don't hate it, but more thought is needed as to how I then get out of it. I think if I bring back an old line (the Head Lad, or ladmiral, if you will) I can put that in longer sets and the callback right at the end of boat isn't such a stretch to remember.

[breezyrainybaby]

also 9 Mar 2022

A small talk to myself

I’m thinking of taking a break from everything for a while, and I’m thinking of you.

I kinda had a breakdown last Tet lol. Mom and dad and grandma and grandad kept complaining about how late I was staying at night and how bad the light was regarding my working conditions (at their home). Bruh they were sooo annoying that I couldn’t hold back one or two teardrops, because ya already know how much of a mess our thoughts are and how silent we can keep until it’s too late not to burst out. Other than that, mom and dad and grandma and grandad were very lovely and family love was great, but I strongly recommend staying home no longer than a couple of weeks to avoid conflicts and stress lol.

I miss us a lot. Bro your fashion was the worst seriously. We didn’t have a lot money, or it might have been the lack of access to the right supplies, or the courage to go out there to the shops and be like “Miss, how much are those pair of trousers?”. We relied on mom for a living, and would wear whichever she bought. To be honest I prefer to be dead than to wear our style back then.

I wonder if I would have a crush on you if I were not you. I doubt that. Some girl that is not so pretty, and a bit pretentious. Perhaps it’s because I’ve got to understand you too well to love you. I could be proud of our unlike-anybody-else type of personality, but how would I ever fall in love with you?

And hey guess what, you would change a lot as you grow up, but not that much. You would hate the same people you hated, despite how hard you have tried to find a reason behind their actions and to force yourself not to judge. You would always thought you’re special and the world kinda needs a living thing like you, though in fact, the only people that think so that often, are mom and dad. You are shy, and find it hard to express yourself to the world, well, less than in your teenage time, as you have grown comfortable with your flaws somehow, but the struggle would still be real. You feel lonesome sometimes, if not all the time, as the core trait to your existence is being insecure.

I miss us a lot.

You wouldn’t believe this, but I do auditing. Bet you’re gonna be like “Bruh?” because me, too – even I still can’t believe this is happening. Wtf is accounting and what does it have to do with our 24/7 obsessions? Such a weird dilemma it is that in the most pessimistic scenarios, I still appreciate what I am doing in this place and these people around me wholeheartedly.

The thing is it’s not about how your life would change for the better and how accomplished you could be in the future. You are a human being not with a head full of dreams, but rather with lots of unrealistic and unqualified fantasizes.

The moment you breathe, you live, you become what you are, and that’s it.

Like shaking uncontrollably when delivering a 2-minute presentation. Wandering through Vũng Tàu. Suffering through the thesis semester. Playing with the kids in the English center where you used to be a teaching assistant. Feeling ugly. Studying and being indulged in a subject you love for hours in high school. Feeling uncertain and lost in college. Smelling the freshness of the air while seeing the city sparkling in the bright sunlight. Listening to some songs and watching some movies - nothing was real but the experience. End of the day, getting on the bus, floating in the ocean of thoughts like, “How could I ever be a part of this hustling, bustling city?”, and just heading home. All the things that have ever happened and gone without your notice, were the only things that were real.

Why are we realizing this just now?

Btw I don’t know why but I’m listening to some Christmas songs in the middle of February when the peak season is at its peak, after a good cry. Yay. Santa Claus is coming to town~

[whyamistillwatchingtheseshows]

This is really long. I am not joking, but I couldn't stew in my incoherent thoughts any longer:

I wanted to express about how three episodes ago I was like “I’m a Kinn apologist now” and how I totally somehow understood his intentions…and how I might be a little like a Kinn with the NOT COMMUNICATING and the major TRUST issues. However, my soul has left my body and I am now and forever in Pete’s shoes. Don’t ask me to elaborate, I just am. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention to the story and KP itself. In fact, it was what I was consistently talking about up through episode 9. Basically, I was all in for KP and didn’t quite give any notice to Vegas (literally didn’t even bat an eyelash at him) and/or Pete for that matter. Did hold onto the assumption that there was always something about Pete and now here we are so sucked into the VegasPete vacuum that we’re choosing to live there.

Still unsure of what else the show could’ve been titled because I get it. It’s called KinnPorsche and so everyone wants the focus there, but coming from a Supernatural watcher who spent most of their days arguing why in the living freaking world did Sam and Dean Winchester have to do this alone? Why did the freaking story just have to be about them when SPN had such an elaborate world system with plenty of side A and side B characters that could’ve remained as part of the integrity of the show (aka as part of the Winchester family business)? Does that even make sense? I don't see why more characters can't surround the main characters of a story, unless you’ve written a one- or two-person theatre production.

However, such series or shows exist as ENSEMBLE casts. And now is there a hierarchy to an ensemble cast? Yes, and it’s all dependent on INDIVIDUAL story as well. Most importantly, the individual story must also serve the MAIN plot, or some circumstances within an episode (which the show 911 does a lot- it serves purposes through each episode while in the end culminating their character/family stories together). Take for instance, (going back to KinnPorsche) we know more truths about Vegas and we know Pete must go back to the main family at some point; thus, relatively speaking it SERVES the PLOT while the last two episodes have ALSO served as individual character “growth” for Vegas and Pete’s characters.

Now, are there decisions story and plot wise that you as the viewer will go WTF over? Of course! But there’s civil discourse and then there’s just being reactionary for reactionary’s sake (aka hate watching). For example, I kinda felt a bit meh when Porsche did the thing of listening in on Kinn (AGAIN) and assuming he is cheating. Also, Kinn still doing that thing where he can’t just speak about his feelings? Could he at this point, plainly tell the man flirting, yeah, um no can do, there’s someone. No names, of course. Just basically saying it won’t happen and technically in his position he need not divulge any more information to the man (and yes, this would be a plausible scenario but the show elected not to do that).

Which also leads me to the fact that Porsche is no longer supposed to be his bodyguard so he's acting as the protective (jealous) boyfriend (AGAIN). And if Kinn is still going to be in this job and Porsche doesn’t have any AUTHORITY (because he's no longer working for the family) then Kinn won’t or can’t tell him shit anything? It feels like a vicious cycle and at the end of it we see Kinn choosing Porsche, suggesting he could and would relinquish his title? But then we still have this matter concerning Porsche’s parents’ death and how that’ll cause yet another rift between KP? Which Kim be out there solving but also not telling anyone what he knows for some reason because he knows more than KP, right?

Meanwhile, Vegas is eventually confronted by his father (which will SUCK all of us, Vegas included out of the VegasPete vacuum) and somehow Pete will "escape" that vacuum. Pete has his struggles back at the main family compound and then we’ll go back inside the VP vacuum when we see both VegasPete actively choose one another (LIKE FOR REALLY REAL) somehow…?

Ironically, KP is also inside a vacuum, consumed by the overwhelming need to hold onto what they have, but there always seems to be obstacle after obstacle (which could be natural for relationships- those bumps in the road kind of thing, but this is on such a dramatic scale, these bumps). Also, inside this KP vacuum, I kinda went WTF at how easily Porsche was like sure give me your lucky gun, Kinn, I’m going to kill this man. Immediately knew it wouldn’t happen at all, regardless of a child showing up. But that moment did showcase just exactly HOW MUCH PORSCHE HAS NOT LET HIMSELF BREAK DOWN OVER HIS PARENT’S DEATH.

To sum up my MAIN point that I never really established in this, but here it is:

In stories, it’s possible to focus on more than one thing and possible to say I like just this one thing and then also say there isn’t enough of that one thing. In stories, it’s possible to also have individual character growth that might be separate to the plot (aka how technically speaking VegasPete ain’t gotta go that hardcore for each other, because really does it serve the plot which could probably still be executed without the VP vacuum? But hey I live in that vacuum now and it’s such a HOT and DELICIOUS journey for the characters. Feed me, please). VegasPete exists in a vacuum because these two characters happened to be intertwined with one another and KinnPorshce exists in a vacuum because those two characters happened to be intertwined with one another too. Yet (as we've been told) each of these 4 characters are connected to the overarching PLOT and inherently SERVE the MAIN story; like a bridge.

[2-cute-4-school]

NCT Dream reaction to you getting your wisdom teeth removed

Mark

babysitting the dreamies is part of his daily job so he thinks ‘how hard can it be to take care of you for a few hours pffft’

he’s never regretted underestimating you so bad in his entire life ◑.◑

you’re not just a nightmare

you’re THE ULTIMATE NIGHTMARE

he was so embarrassed when he had to gently drag you out of the dentist’s office while you were crying cuz

“mY TOOTH!! mark, i lost my tooth, what am i gonna do?!?! i should have put a leash on it, i knew it!!!! now it’s gone and it’s all my fault!!!!” (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

*ugly sobbing* *mark awkwardly patting your back while pulling you away from the scrutinizing glares of a few karens in the waiting room*

“mark. i didn’t even get to name it!!!”

poor bby cheetah mark is SO lost

“baby, hey, don’t cry! we’ll uh…. i’ll get you a new one!” ヾ(ﾟДﾟ;ヾ)

you look up with your glassy eyes and your right cheek chubbier than your left from the cotton lodged where your tooth used to be, your bottom lip trembling oh so cutely 

and mark just…stops functioning for a moment because

‘HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO CUTE BUT SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS AT THE SAME TIME IT’S NOT FAIR !!??!?!?’

“ rweally? would you really do that for me, markie?” (◞‸◟；)

“ASFKSFRDACGCS YES LOML ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING JUST SAY THE WORD AND I’LL BRING THE MOON TO YOUR FEET YOU PRECIOUS LIL BABY” ⊂（♡⌂♡）⊃

 and he still insists he’s not 120% whipped for you can you believe it

he ends up piggybacking you all the way back home because your giggles were just too cute for him to resist so he can’t even get tired with how happy he is to witness you so carefree and joyful

and his heart just melts when you leave a huuuge kith with the loudest *MWAH* ever on his cheek and you nuzzle your nose in the crook of his neck that’s like the fatal combination of cute acts ʚ♡⃛ɞ(ू•ᴗ•ू❁)

in conclusion : this man just adores you with every bit of his heart :((((

Renjun

probably asked kun to pick you both up from the dentist 

you’re just too much for him smh

you’re cute and all but renjun is a tired uncle

so you’re both in the backseat with kun as your driver and it’s silent

renjun just knows something is wrong there’s no way you’re so calm 

but you’re just staring at him like ◎_◎

“uh..babe, you alright?”

silence and then *GASP*

renjun just knows he’s about to facepalm himself into another dimension when you grip his cheeks in both hands

“you’re a fAIRY!!!!!!!” (*ﾟﾛﾟ)

*sigh* *muffled words* “y/n let’s calm down and just-”

he doesn’t get another word out before you shove his face in your lap and literally raise his shirt up to the nape of his neck

damn beach you know what you want huh go off

“where are they???!!?!?! where are you hiding them you impostor??!!!?”

and then you start slapping his back

“ow ow OW, Y/N WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? STOP !!”

“YOUR WINGS!!! WHERE ARE YOUR FRICKIN’ WINGS ?!?!?” (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)

renjun is this 👌 close to knocking you out for good with a karate chop

so he just pushes you off and straps you to your seat with a second safety belt as he huffs under his breath

“i can’t guarantee you’ll live to see next week” (⊙_◎)

kun watching in the rear mirror like （͡°͜ʖ͡°）

“you know what? i’d really eat some chicken wings right now!! jun, let’s go get chicken wings!!!” ⊂((・▽・))⊃

he’s surprised you even remember his name

but you eventually exhaust yourself and pass out in the backseat of the car so renjun and kun drag you to bed 

and renjun just tucks you in like the soft loving boyfriend that he is

and he just stares at you fondly and smooches you all over your face cuz

“how tf can you be so cute, you lil overexcited evil? you’re like the cutest thing in the world and it just!!!not!!!fair!!!!!” (♡ ‸ ♡ )

so even though he complains about you a lot, he’d sell his kidney just to see his lil cute bub happy i’m so soft :((((

Lee Jeno

“let’s go to the playground!!”

“y/n, no, let’s go home and put some ice on that cheek”

“but baaaabe i wanna go one the swing” ( ´•̥̥̥ω•̥̥̥` )

“then we’ll have to ice both cheeks”

“what did ya say???!!?!”

so jeno’s headache only worsened once you both arrived home with no prior stop to the playground

and as much as he loves you he also wants to bang his head against a wall and end his suffering yay o((*^▽^*))o

“just stay still for a second please, i’m really trying to tie this thing properly around your head”

you’re just so restless and jeno is just so done

“does it hurt?”

“ywes, my heart hurts because my own boyfriend doesn’t love me!!!”

“y/n, we already had this conversation, now just-”

“i just wanted a swing!!!” *bursts into tears* *jeno sighs half of his soul out* ଽ (৺ੋ ௦ ৺ੋ )৴

so jeno sits down beside you and pulls you into his lap gently, rocking you back and forth in an attempt to soothe your sobs jeno best boyfriend no cap

“there there, baby, we can’t go out-” *sobs intensify* “BUT i promise i’ll get you a swing right here if you let me take care of you first”

you leech yourself onto jeno’s sleeve and wipe your tears on his shirt but he doesn’t seem to mind the wet patch left on the material as he watches you with that soft look of his (´-ω-`)

so you let him patch you up after his reassurance and after he just pats your head affectionately and motions for you to stand up

and this man just flexes his arms and nudges you to latch on

that’s how jeno ends up with a squealing you as you swing back and forth with your fingers gripping his arm ╰(✧∇✧╰)

Lee Haechan

you want to pretty him up

because “since my left cheek looks like it’s stuffed with a tennis ball, i can’t carry the visuals in this relationship for a while, so i need to hand the responsibility over to you”

“who even said you’re the one carrying the visuals” ℃ↂ_ↂ

“oh honey you’re only now realizing?”

(╬☉д⊙)⊰⊹ฺ

he blames the anesthesia for your severe accusations

but the only way to shut you up is give in to your wishes

so that’s how he found himself seated down on the carpet of your home with your legs draped over his and your totally professional make up applied over his face

“i look like a clown”

“not even make up can cover your true identity, hyuck”

deep breaths, donghyuck, in and out, take it easy (◎ω◎*)

“any preferences for the nail polish color?”

“to match my soul”

“so hot pink” o(≧∇≦o)

*poker face* “you know i could obliviate you if i wanted to clown you”

*pout that hurts hyuck’s lil heart* “but you wouldn’t do that to your hurting baby, would you” *blinks rapidly with puppy eyes*

“you bet i would” (no he wouldn’t you’re just too cute and he loves you too much) *totally not whipped (♥ω♥*)*

painting his nails is the hugest struggle in your entire life

“WHY TF ARE THEY SO SHORT, ARE THEY TAKING AFTER YOU”

on second thought, mercy is no longer available for you

“hyuck, you should tape your fingers so you won’t bite your nails like a preschooler anymore”

“i’ll tape your mouth shut, that’s what i’ll tape” *_*

“hUH???!?!!?”  (*ﾟﾛﾟ)

Na Jaemin

“okay jisung is an easy task compared to you right now”

even though this man is used to being the mom of the group

he’s still most likely in disbelief watching his otherwise angel flap around like a headless chicken 

but you’re even cutter with your swollen cheek so he forgives you (︶▽︶)

“hey, jaem, did you know i’m closely related to snails??”

“entertain me” (∩_∩)

“they can sleep for years at once. that’s like my main talent.”

“it would be great for me if you’d put this talent of yours to work now”

jaemin ends up sprawled over the couch and watching dramas like a tired mom of 3 hyperactive children with you curled up at his side playing games on his phone

*hiccup*

jaemin’s brain before he even registered the sound : something’s wrong

“y/n baby?” (｡•́︿•̀｡)

*hiccup* *sniffle* *hiccup* 

jaemin’s overprotective instincts kicked in ಠ╭╮ಠ

he knocks the phone out of the way and swings your legs over his lap to cradle you against his chest and hush you with the gentlest coos while rubbing your back up and down softly

“what happened, my love? does it hurt? tell nana what’s wrong and he’ll get rid in a second of what dared hurt his precious baby” just imagine this man this would be like the peak of my life  🥺

so in between your boyfriend’s comforting whispers and your harsh breaths of air you managed to let out a few words

“e-elephants, nana”

he already knows the biggest facepalm is coming his way -_-

“tHEy CAn’T jUmP, tHE poOR ELephANTs”

(ノ-_-)ノ~┻━┻

he just sighs and continues rocking you in his arms until you doze off, slumped on his chest, your head cushioned by his shoulder

he softly shakes his head at you and lays a butterfly kiss on your forehead

“i would make elephants jump just for you, my cute big baby” ♡♡(￫ε￩*)

Zhong Chenle

he halfway panics at the way you act

you’re usually the one who takes care of him so your childish act that surfaced because of the anesthesia took him by surprise

“dude they brainwashed y/n” (ﾉ｀□´)ﾉ

once you start babbling to him about the end of the rainbow and the elf that awaits there with a pot full of golden coins he knew you lost it

calls renjun

“hyung i’m sorry for saying you’re batshit crazy with your conspiracies, but aliens kidnapped y/n”

*muffled voices on the other side*

“NO, I’M NOT DRUNK!! they brainwashed y/n or even worse… returned a cheap copy of them”

renjun probably just tells him to put you to sleep and advises chenle to do the same with himself -_-

so chenle just approaches you very carefully, his voice barely above a whisper

“hey, babe, aren’t you tired?”

“actually no, how about a walk in the park???”

“idk y/n, it doesn’t seem like the best idea”

“PLEASE”  🥺

“THIS IS THE BEST IDEA OF THE YEAR BABY!!!11!!”

this man is royally whipped for you so he takes you to the nearest park and keeps a careful watch on you as you bend down to pet every dog that passes by ⊂((・▽・))⊃

while he would do anything for you, he’s very panicky about your safety so he has to hold your hand the entire time and you’re not allowed to leave his side for even a second overprotective boyfriend check

mid walk you take a break on a bench and you lean your head on cheble’s shoulder before muttering sleepily

“lele, i’m tired, imma take a nap”

“are you serious rn” (ಠ_ಠ)

but you’re already a goner and chenle is left fuming by himself

despite his annoyance he still adjusts you so he can piggyback you home and hums songs softly every time you stir (灬♥ω♥灬)

you’ll have to baby him an entire week to pay him back

Park Jisung

this boy is actually quite pleased

because for once he can take care of you and not the other way around without any complaints coming from you

so you both end up curled into each other under a blanket while watching the Frozen movies :((((((((

and for once he ends up watching you more than he watches the movie because you’re so cute reciting all of Olaf’s lines ꒰˘̩̩̩⌣˘̩̩̩๑꒱

but the fun can only last for so long

and when your mouth starts feeling ‘funny’ jisung’s mind goes haywire

“sung, i’m gonna die”

panic panic PANIC (ｼ;ﾟДﾟ)ｼ

“they poisoned you didn’t they??? i knew it!! i knew dentists are evil, how am i gonna explain i let crazy doctors perform dark magic on you???!!?!?” no offense to dentists y’all are life savers

so you have at least 2 ice packs and a bag of frozen peas clutched against your cheek and you swear you’re about to die from frostbite rather than the weird feeling coming from your teeth 

and then jisung wraps you in a mountain of blankets cuz ‘we can’t have you catching a cold now too’ as if sweating your ass off is gonna fight off the numbing cold on your face  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but babie is confused a tad lot bit scared for both his and your life

and you’re kinda very dazed so comforting him isn’t really in your agenda

he probably worries within an inch of his life ヾ( ๑´д`๑)ﾂ

too afraid to let you fall asleep just in case

so every time you doz off sweet cutie jisung just kithes you (๑°꒵°๑)･*♡

and you wake up just to kiss back your cute boyfriend

and he just chuckles and blows raspberries on your neck man jisung would be such a cute whipped boyfriend

but he ends up asleep next to you with his face buried in your hair and arms tightly wrapped around you cocooning you close to himself ah i’m getting soft again ♡(㋭ ਊ ㋲)♡

[makeste]

Newest theory of the day. Shigaraki after finding out he can't steal OFA from Deku tries to dust him, the decay spreads across his arm and to keep Deku alive because his specific order from Endeavor was to protect him~ Bakugo severs his arm with an AP shot, because some of us are still on about Deku losing an arm in this arc. Then we can get from mentoring from Miruko, you know bunny themes, using your legs, and now how to be a hero with prosthetics.

anon I disagree with basically all of this, but I just want to be clear that it’s in a totally respectful “that’s just not how I see things going/where I’d prefer the story to go” way, and it’s more just a matter of my personal preferences than anything else! like, I’m about to break down every specific thing I disagree with, but I hope it doesn’t come off in an attacking way. I kind of feel like I’ve been shooting down pretty much every theory people have thrown at me lately, and I don’t mean to be a buzzkill about it or anything. but since you did send me an ask about it I’m assuming it’s all right to give my opinion. lol I’m probably overthinking this. anyways.

1. so first, I personally don’t think Deku is going to lose his arm, at least not in this arc. I just can’t see any kind of purpose for it. particularly since Deku has already injured his arm very badly in the past and has already gone through the associated angst, and had an arc of learning how to fight without it (for the most part) and learning to fight with his legs instead. I just don’t see this bringing anything really new to the table. and Mirko and Hawks already have the “working to recover from/adapt to disabling injuries” thing covered between the two of them, I think. I also am not a believer in the foreshadowing power of popularity poll covers, at least to the extent of using them as a basis for theories. I know this last part is an unpopular opinion lol.

that all being said, I do think he might lose the arm maybe towards the end of the series, but if it happens it would be from overuse of OFA. and it’s still not something I actually think should happen or think we need to see; Deku is someone who’s already struggled in the past with being differently abled from his peers due to being quirkless, so I’d rather see a different character go through this arc if it does happen. and I’ll also add that I’d be more interested in seeing Ectoplasm mentoring a student in regards to the prosthetic thing; no disrespect to Mirko, but he’s been dealing with it for a lot longer, and would probably have more insight to share.

2. Katsuki saving Deku at some point on the other hand has been foreshadowed, but if he does it won’t JUST be because he was ordered to watch his back. I don’t know if you were necessarily implying this; probably it was just the wording, but regardless, I wanted to throw that out there.

3. you’ve probably figured out my opinion on this already lol but I do think we’re more than likely heading for quirkless Bakugou.

4. Bakugou hasn’t experienced a so-called trauma in a long time, and also I think fandom has a tendency to exaggerate the number of traumas he actually has (and here we get into another unpopular opinion, but hey). canon!Bakugou is a very different beast from fanon!Bakugou, and I think there’s a tendency to conflate the two. canon!Bakugou, from what we’ve seen, does not have any lingering trauma from the sludge monster attack, being chained up at the sports festival, or even from being kidnapped (aside from the “blaming himself for All Might’s end” part of it). canon!Bakugou’s confirmed sources of angst are 1) him feeling guilty over All Might, 2) him feeling pressure to prove to the world that he’s not a villain, 3) and him not wanting to ever lose to Deku. that’s basically it. I know fandom likes to throw all sorts of other stuff in there (PTSD, child abuse, his quirk being toxic to him; you name it), but he’s really not like that in the canon at all.

he definitely has been through a lot, don’t get me wrong. and also I should add that just because I don’t think these things are canon doesn’t mean I’m not interested in exploring them in headcanons or fanfic. on the contrary, I have a fanfic rec list consisting almost entirely of Bakuangst for a reason lol. but the suggestion (not necessarily made by you, but other people have brought this up) that he shouldn’t lose his quirk because it’s “yet more Bakugou angst” or whatever is just something I don’t agree with for a lot of reasons.

here’s a spontaneous list which nobody asked for of all of the other characters who have experienced trauma since the last time Bakugou last went through anything of note.

Aizawa - had his childhood trauma revealed to the audience in a Vigilantes flashback, and subsequently went through the angst of realizing his dead friend had been brought back to life and brainwashed into becoming a villain. also recently watched a man die saving his life.

Present Mic - same as Aizawa minus the “someone died for him recently” stuff. also has to carry Ujiko around everywhere right now which I sure would find traumatizing.

All Might - had his “you are going to die horribly” prophecy revealed. watched his former sidekick die and was helpless to do anything. struggled with the guilt of having not reconnected with him sooner. grappled with trying to figure out how he can help people now that he no longer has OFA.

Ochako - struggled with survivor’s guilt over not being able to save Nighteye.

Kirishima - had his past revealed in a flashback and was shown to have depression and self-worth issues. struggled with those same issues during the Basement arc and was also horrifically injured. most recent response to being asked whether he was okay afterwards was “I’m getting there/working on it.”

Shouto - watched his dad come within an inch of being murdered on live television. is still struggling with reconciling his very complicated feelings about his father and his past actions vs the man he is trying to become now.

Tokoyami - saved his mentor’s life at great risk to his own; was nearly burnt alive; was told that he shouldn’t save Hawks because he killed someone (my poor baby bird is going to have a lot to work through after this arc).

Kaminari - had to overcome his fear of fighting on the front lines in a very real and potentially deadly battle.

Iida - yoinked part of his own leg out to get stronger wtf.

Mirio - lost his quirk; watched his mentor die.

Tamaki - was and is still grappling with severe anxiety. was nearly killed during the basement arc. dealt with boyfriend losing his quirk.

Endeavor - had his goal finally realized in the most hollow, meaningless way possible. realized he’d basically acted like a complete monster in regards to his family for the past two decades. came to terms with the fact that nothing he can do now will ever make up for it (although he is still doing his best to make amends and atone however he can). nearly lost an eye and had his face scarred pretty badly. also has a dead son who secretly isn’t dead so that’s fun.

Mirko - lost an arm and a leg and came within an inch of death and Endeavor had to cauterize her wounds on the spot.

Hawks - ahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Deku - learned about the All Might death prophecy. grappled with feeling like he wasn’t worthy enough to inherit OFA. dealt with the angst of not being able to save Eri sooner. watched Nighteye die. had a secret fight with a villain while worrying about the school finding out and also feeling conflicted the whole time because he empathized with said villain a lot. had his quirk suddenly flare out of control during an exercise and nearly killed everyone around him and subsequently learned that he’s getting a bunch of new quirks and has to learn how to control them all. was informed that all of the past users of OFA have died young. and last but not least, has now learned that Shigaraki Tomura is specifically targeting him and his quirk.

anyways that’s not even complete because I skipped a ton of other characters, but you get the idea. basically the “Kacchan has already had a lot of trauma” argument falls flat to me as a reason why he shouldn’t have anything else happen to him. if anything, looking at everything that’s happened to him recently in comparison to the other characters makes me wonder if he’s not overdue. Kamino was almost two hundred chapters ago. Ground Beta was a hundred and sixty chapters. there has not being anything else since. this is one of the reasons why I want there to finally be something else. I don’t get this idea that we’re done with him now or whatever. not that I’m being all “yes!!! more tragedy for Kacchan!!!”, but this is a story, and characters grow in stories by facing and overcoming obstacles. so let’s give him a new obstacle already. (and I do mean a new one, which is another reason why I’m not sold on the “has to blast off Deku’s arm” angst; him feeling guilty and blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault is the exact kind of angst we’ve already explored with him, and which we don’t necessarily need to rehash just with minor adjustments.)

Deku has already struggled with his own physical limitations. Kacchan never has. he’s been frustrated with the pace of his growth, sure, but that was more or less just comparing-myself-to-Deku angst disguised as thinking-I’m-weak angst. which is something he’s still doing even now, by the way. he was literally doing it a couple of chapters ago. Ground Beta didn’t fix it; it gave him something new to work towards, yes, and a new perspective regarding his relationship with Deku being something he could use to grow stronger. but it never actually addressed the root of the angst to begin with, which is him only seeing himself as worthy if he’s above Deku. it never addressed the issue of him being so fearful of being “weak” to begin with. he’s so determined to prove that he’s not, because even now he’s still secretly afraid that he is. and this is something I very strongly believe that he needs to confront, one way or the other.

but anyway, this turned into yet another “reasons why I think Bakugou should lose his quirk” meta, which I didn’t intend it to, so I apologize. this pretty much veered way off track so I should probably wrap it up. again, I apologize if any of this comes off as needlessly blunt, as that’s not the intent. and we’re all reading the story in slightly different ways, and we all have different things we want to see explored, and I’m sure as heck not going to say someone else’s view on this isn’t valid! this is just my own personal take. but we’ll see what happens, and I’m going to be wholeheartedly along for the ride pretty much no matter how this turns out.

[werevulvi]

I haven't made much of any personal posts here lately, and it's mostly because I've been too busy burying my feelings to be aware of them, and too busy living my life. Don't really remember what I posted here last time, but was probably either that bisexual coming out post or a gender ramble about identifying as a trans man again. So let's take it from there.

I intend to make a youtube video on this topic as well, in which I'll go more in depth, so I'll try to keep this short...er than usual.

For most of this year, I've been back to "presenting male" (i.e. not trying to pass as female again, and instead going with my "new" default which is that I just look like a dude) and for the past few months or so I've been back to labeling myself as a trans man again.

However, I still see myself as a woman deep down. I'm just terrified of facing the consequences yet again, of being open and honest about it, without detransitioning. Because I don't want to detransition anymore. Only re-identify. And I wanna go back on testosterone again simply because I felt better on it, and its pros outweigh its cons for me personally. It even feels like I was somehow healthier on it, actually. Or at the very least, testosterone has been very kind to me.

Also, I've been thinking lately that maybe I don't actually have any sex dysphoria anymore. Because I don't wanna be male anymore, and I've come to truly like being female, after overcoming my past trauma, which caused my hatred of being female to begin with. However, I also genuinely like my transition traits, which I always have, and cling on to them firmly. My discomfort with looking clearly female on a clothed surface level seems to be more similar to how any/most masculine women feel discomfort in dresses and makeup.

It's only dysphoria in the sense that it's a persistent and consistent pattern of comfort/discomfort with my gender presentation - NOT in the sense that I actually wish I was the opposite sex. And I'm actually grateful that transitioning can't take my female nature away from me, only change what it looks like. So, the reality of what transitioning can do, is EXACTLY what I want. Transitioning is not an escape from my sex; it helps me connect better, more positively, and more strongly to how great it can actually be to be female. It's just my strongly preferred presentation and social role. I do not wish to actually be male for real. So basically, I'm just gender non-conforming in an unconventional way. I've thought that thought many times before, but never quite managed to understand what it means until now.

I'd still prefer being able to continue presenting very masculine/male, but just declaring myself as a woman instead of as a trans man. Problem is though, that doesn't work particularly well in practice. Unless I wanna explain wtf I mean by "I'm a woman" while looking like a whole ass man, to every single person I ever meet. And frankly, I don't have enough spoons for that shit. No one fucking does.

I don't mind being seen as a man by default. The only thing that's missing is that I can't help but feeling like I'm not allowed to speak my truth in its full honesty, be vulnerable and real with people about myself. Not everyone needs to know how I see myself deep down, but sometimes I just want to be able to speak freely about things relating to me being a woman when that is relevant, you know. And believe it or not, that comes up rather frequently.

But I feel like I can't do that because people are only ever interested in debating whether I'm actually a real female or a zero effort trans woman, and question my reasons for living as a man. People don't have to agree with me or validate me, but what I can't understand is what's so difficult to understand about a woman choosing to live as a man? The only difference is that I choose to do it by medical means additionally to dressing and the social roles I take on. Because we have that option now in the 21st century.

The idea that I have to put in effort to even just be believed to be female... it upset me so bad that I basically started feeling that I can't ever talk of myself as a woman again, and have to keep pretending that I'm a man at all times, only because of the way I choose to look. Despite my female nature is a permanent condition, I feel like I'm often not allowed to reclaim my womanhood unless I desecrate my body first. I was flabbergasted by the astonishing absurdity behind that. It made reach out for the trans man label once again, but unfortunately I ended up hiding behind my same old lie a second time. Because I was essentially bullied away from identifying with my own sex, because I wasn't performing womanhood "right." How far am I willing to go for the sake of authenticity...?

To clarify, I'm not speaking of wanting any "right" to have others recognise me as a woman or to call me by she/her or any of that shallow shit - I'm only speaking of my wish to call myself a woman, and the extremely disheartening backlash that comes as a result of doing so. And how much I've debated with myself whether it's even worth it then. And I guess I've realised that it is worth it. Because I'd rather hurt from the other people's shit getting thrown in my face, than hurting myself. But I have no idea how to actually handle it in practice.

I feel a lot of shame about it, admittedly. I feel like it's shameful for a woman to look like me, let alone willingly. I've seen the frowns on people's faces after telling them, and I can't help but interpret their narrow mouths and upturned noses as expression of disgust at my character. And oh fuck it hurts so much, it sends me spiraling into dark places, until I can't stand my own reflection anymore. In my panic and desperation I then turn to other labels to call myself, to hide under and -protect- suffocate myself with.

Truth is I'm incredibly ashamed of being this extremely masculine, hairy and balding, as a woman. But I like it if I just don't think of myself as a woman. And it's not because I feel bad about the way I look. On the contrary... it's because I genuinely like the way I look, but society's standards on women eat away at my confidence. Oh why does it fucking matter, it's just a label? You might be thinking. I'll tell you why it matters: I feel empowered and proud of myself, at being credited as a woman. But I feel robbed of that power and pride, when credited as a man. As though I am being over-shadowed by a lie which was put in place only for the comfort of others. Because a man did not accomplish what I did. A man did not struggle through the hell I lived. A man did not learn to love himself after a lifetime of self-hatred, against all odds, to overcome what he hid. A woman did. It does make a difference whether I speak of myself as a trans man who grew up female and is happy with his transition, but no longer hates the nature of his biology - or if I speak of myself as a woman whose traumatic female upbringing brought her through a gender transition, which she now refuses to leave behind, just like her womanhood. Because it is those two aspects combined, that truly makes her shine. And I want to shine. I hope that clears it up.

[hopetofantasy]

Entire translated interview 'Nathan Bouts had nog nooit een onenightstand’ - FLOWJOB

Source: YouTube - Studio Brussel - FLOWJOB

Nathan Bouts was on the explicit, sex-positive show ‘Flowjob’ from the radio station ‘Studio Brussel’. Under the ‘read more’ is an explicit interview about his sex life and preferences. If you don’t want to read this, please scroll ahead.

Nathan Bouts: “Mirror mirror, on the wall”

Flo Windey: “Who is the best fucker of them all?”

Nathan: “You, dude.”

Flo: “This is ‘Flowjob’. We’re still talking openly and explicitly about sex and now we’re doing it even more about things you want to know. Because you have filled in surveys and send us questions. You were with 25,000 people who’ve done this, which is a whole fucking lot, but thank you. The guest this week is: Nathan Bouts. Are you lying okay?”

Nathan: “I’m lying okay!”

Flo: “Do you have a relationship at the moment?”

Nathan: “No, I don’t have a relationship at the moment.”

Flo: “So, are you dating?”

Nathan: “Yes, sometimes, but I’m not great at it. I’d rather get to know someone, that’s a bit cliché, but meeting someone in real life…”

Flo: “Yeah”

Nathan: “That you don’t have to look around very hard, that you don’t have to do Tinder, that you don’t have to go on weird, forced dates... Because then I shut down.”

Flo: “Do you have a lot of sex?”

Nathan: “At the moment, no. I’m running a bit dry at the moment.”

Flo: “So, do you have a onenightstand here and there?”

Nathan: “I’ve never had a onenightstand.”

Flo: “Never?”

Nathan: “Never. I tried it once and it didn’t end well.”

Flo: “Spill!”

Nathan: “I had the thought: now I really have to have sex, it’s been too long. So I met up with a girl, we went to my place and it was too planned. She was lying there, fully nude, and nothing happened. That was fucking embarrassing. So I went down on her for a long time, hoping that it would stand up, but it didn’t work. It wasn’t fun for her as well, because she started doubting herself, then the girl thinks there is something wrong with her.”

Flo: “Do you doubt yourself sometimes?”

Nathan: “Yes, doesn’t everybody?”

Flo: “I have that as well. That I sometimes think: ‘What am I doing? How do I look like now?”

Nathan: “I have that no matter what, I’m very self conscious. But really too much.”

Flo: “Also during sex?”

Nathan: “Yeah, when I’m busy during, and thinking ‘What the fuck am I doing actually? Two naked people, who are making weird sounds and touching each other.”

Flo: “That you suddenly realize…”

Nathan: “Yeah, that’s really annoying, when you’re doubting. ‘Keep him up, keep him up, keep him up’ and if I’m thinking that, it’s ruined.”

Flo: “That’s a struggle girls don’t have.”

Nathan: “No, see, that’s a luxury!”

Flo: “What does help at that moment?”

Nathan: “Finding a moment to relax, using your senses, a bit of touching, kissing always helps.”

Flo: “Is there a difference for you between love and lust?”

Nathan: “For me, it’s a bit the same, I only have lust if I’m in love. Then the beast gets loose. If I’m not in love, if there isn’t a deeper connection, then the beast won’t get loose. Then there isn’t much of a beast.”

Flo: “I understand that. Out of the survey with 25,000 people, we’ve learned that 47% never had a onenightstand.”

Nathan: “Aha, so I don’t have to be ashamed, for anything really.”

Flo: “Ofcourse not. I think we keep thinking that a onenightstand is normal and that it’s cool-”

Nathan: “Why do we? Why do we think like that?”

Flo: “I blame Sex And The City.”

Nathan: “I thought it was good. Sex And The City. My mother used to watch and I watched it with her. It was really good.”

Flo: “Really good.”

Flo: “We have a question from a special someone: granny Flowjob. This is her.”

Granny Flowjob: “Nathan, can I ask you: do you always use a condom?”

Nathan: “I’ve only had sex in a relationship. In the beginning, I always use a condom, especially the first time. You don’t know each other, you don’t know what they’ve done in bed. Then I use a condom, for sure. But I have to admit, if the relationship continues…”

Flo: “When you’re starting to trust each other…”

Nathan: “You trust each other, you’re honest with each other, you know what everyone has done. Then I admit the condom…”

Flo: “When you know if she has the pill or any other form of anticonception…”

Nathan: “Then we toss the condom in the trash. It’s just nicer without one.”

Flo: “Is it more fun without one?”

Nathan: “I personally think so, yes. It’s just more contact, it feels better. Sometimes it can kill my mood. You’re in the mood, but then you have to put on a condom, you have to search for one, taking one, opening them, your fingers are covered, it smells…”

Flo: “Then it’s gone.”

Flo: “When do you get turned on? In which part of the foreplay?”

Nathan: “I can really get turned on by something a girl says. That gets me triggered.”

Flo: “Very nice!”

Nathan: “Yeah, that’s nice.”

Flo: “So is dirty talk your thing? Or intellectual words?”

Nathan: “During sex you’re not using intellectual- It doesn’t work like that. But dirty talk does something. Sound is very important.”

Flo: “Really weird, right?! People who don’t make sounds? Or not?”

Nathan: “That’s weird, right?”

Flo: “You want some feedback, right?”

Nathan: “Then you know if you’re doing it right. (Flo: “Motivation!”) It does a lot, if you get good sounds, that turns me on. Also, during the music and then sounds… If I have sex with music, then it’s much longer and more extensive. If it’s without, it’s shorter.”

Flo: “Shall we make some ambiance?”

Nathan: “Okay, what really gets me into the mood, is ‘Climax’ (good name) from ‘Slum Village’.”

Flo: “How many times did you have sex on this? On top of your head?”

Nathan: “At least… 300 times. Certainly, that song just asks for sex.”

Flo: “I’m curious.”

Nathan: *sings along*

Flo: “But he’s so aggressive in his tone, but-”

Nathan: “But still subtle and in his flow, you know, very careful and still so touchy and-”

Flo: “Like: ‘we’re gonna have sex’ ’we’re gonna have sex’ ”

Nathan: “But this is for when the sex is already happening, for before that, then I need other songs.”

Flo: “Calmer or ‘Darude - Sandstorm’?

Nathan: “That’s the song to have sex on, like…”

Flo: “But really, I thought about it and to have sex on this number, it would be fierce”

Nathan: “Fucking fierce, I couldn’t do it.”

Flo: “You’d be tired, coming after 10 seconds.”

Flo: “Do you masturbate?”

Nathan: “No! ... Ofcourse, I do.”

Flo: “A lot? Or?”

Nathan: “Surely every day. Usually in the mornings, you wake up with it, you know? The best way to make it disappear is…”

Flo: “Wanking.”

Flo: “I’m gonna bring out my box.”

Nathan: “Your box? Okay…”

Flo: “My box”

Nathan: “Ooooh, okay, the box.”

Flo: “You’re allowed to go in there.”

Nathan: “What’s in here?”

Flo: “Watch out, you’re stretching my vag.” (= drawing outside the box)

Nathan: “Oh, what’s this, a kitchen timer? An egg? Wtf is this?”

Flo: “That’s a masturbation egg.”

Nathan: “WTF, a masturbation-, oooh, okay, I get it.”

Flo: “You can hold it over your dick head.”

Nathan: “That’s really ingenious. Yeah… Do I have to try this or what?”

Flo: “You don’t have to try it now, you can take it home.”

Nathan: “Really? Exciting.”

Flo: “Do you think you’ll use it?”

Nathan: “I’m triggered, yeah. Later on, on the train…”

Flo: “I wish I had a penis, so I could try it out.”

Nathan: “I’ll let you know how it was.”

Flo: “Really good.”

Nathan: “Thank you!”

Flo: “You’re welcome.”

Flo: “A question that was send to us: is it normal that if I touch myself, that I come faster than during sex?”

Nathan: “I have the same thing. You know your own penis the best, you know how it feels, you know faster- you’re the expert of your own body. I think it’s logical that if you do it yourself, then you come faster.”

Flo: “Is it necessary, is it the ultimate goal to come during sex?”

Nathan: “You don’t have sex purely just to come, right? That’s primitive. That’s until the (Flo: “Ejaculation.”) I’ve had good sex where I didn’t come at the end. It’s also your mood. If you had a lot of stuff in your head during the day, you’re thinking of things or you’re distracted. Then it’s not bad, per se, that you didn’t come. Then, the next time.”

Flo: “And if a girl or boy is watching and thinking: ‘My partner doesn’t come.’ What do I say, what do I ask?”

Nathan: “You have to talk about, I think.”

Flo: “How can you do that?”

Nathan: “Just be honest. If you don’t communicate, then you don’t get to know each other, that you don’t know what you like, what’s your struggles, what’s your insecurities.”

Flo: “We also asked our panel  (Nathan: “Oh, a panel.”) ‘Is it necessary to come during sex’?

Enderscholtens: “I don’t think I’ve had sex without coming.”

Jietse_pauwaert: “Most of the time if I didn’t come it’s because it was good, because I want it to last longer and if I did, it’s because I wanted it to be done, I want it to be over.”

Amsmeysmans: “Coming once, I’d like that to happen, haha, hint!”

Susanfromgrindr: “I notice that after the sex, if I’m still horny, then it’s more difficult to go to sleep.”

Nathan: “That’s a bit mixed.” (Flo: “Yes, right?”) That’s interesting. For me, it’s not necessarily the goal. Otherwise, I’ll just masturbate.” 

Flo: “I’ve said it once before, when it was done and he didn’t come, I said ‘do it yourself’.”

Nathan: “That’s good that you can say it like that, right?”

Flo: “50% of men of the ‘Flowjob’ community think it’s important to come during sex and the women from community, only 15%.”

Nathan: “15%? That I didn’t expect. And I didn’t expect more than half of the men thinking that it’s not important.”

Flo: “But it takes away the pressure. The pressure that you have to perform. I have to come and the other person too.”

Nathan: “Yeah, that’s a lot of pressure, if you have to start sex like that, if you start with the thought: we have to come, the both of us, and together - it will not result in good sex, I think.”

Flo: “Together, that’s a myth.”

Nathan: “I’ve had it a couple of times.”

Flo: “Me as well, but not a lot and if you had it, then it’s wow.”

Nathan: “That’s really wow. It’s so magical, it’s really good.”

Flo: “It’s like finding a four-leave clover over here.”

Flo: “We have a few dilemma’s. You may answer-” 

Nathan: “I may or I have to?” 

Flo: “You have to, I’m sorry” 

Nathan: “No, it’s ok. It’s good.” 

Flo: “Always sex with the same person or with someone else?”

Nathan: “The same.”

Flo: “Spanking or bondage?”

Nathan: “Spanking.”

Flo: “Already done this?”

Nathan: “Yes.”

Flo: “Fun?”

Nathan: “Fun. Nice.”

Flo: “Tits or brains?”

Nathan: “Brains.”

Flo: “Lingerie or naked?”

Nathan: “Naked. I think lingerie is bullshit. It’s about what’s inside.”

Flo: “Yeah? You don’t get a lot out of it, it’s mostly the woman who feels...”

Nathan: “Yeah, as a woman, it might be fun to feel like-”

Flo: “Empowering. So, Rough or soft?”

Nathan: “If I have to choose: rough.”

Flo: “Sober or high?”

Nathan: “Sober.”

Flo: “Yeah? Why?”

Nathan: “Because you feel everything better and you get with the program. It’s an experience then.”

Flo: “Did you have sex while high?”

Nathan: “I did smoke and had sex, yeah. That’s kinda fun.”

Flo: “So under the influence of weed, you thought was fun, but you’d rather have sex sober?”

Nathan: “Yes, rather sober, because (under the influence) you might feel everything more intense, but you’re not there for the full 100%. (Flo: it’s vague.) It’s very vague. And because I’m already easily distracted, the smoking doesn’t help. If I think about something then, it’s ‘aaaah’ and then it’s done.

Flo: “Did you ever - during sex - look at the side and notice there is a mirror and think: euhm... It happens in two ways...”

Nathan: “On the one hand, it could be ‘weeeh nice’ or on the other hand, it’s ‘stop it’.

Flo: “ ‘Stop it’, but that’s the thing with mirrors on the ceiling. In a typical whore movie, motel thing...”

Nathan: “That I haven’t...  (Flo: No?) No. Mirrors. Mirror mirror on the wall.”

Flo: “Who is the best fucker of them all?”

Nathan: “You, dude.”

Nathan: “Much better. Hopla!”

Flo: “How was it?”

Nathan: “Good.”

Flo: “Was it good for you?”

Nathan: “Yeah, it was good for me. Was it good for you?”

Flo: “Yeah, actually, it was.”

Nathan: “Excellent bed. ”

Flo: “Yeah, excellent bed. Something you want to take home.”

Nathan: “I’m surely taking that egg home.”

Flo: “I want to know how it was!”

Nathan: “And now I’m in doubt to install a mirror above my bed. However, I have a slanted roof, so that’s not going to work.”

Flo: “Oh no, it’s not going to work.”

Nathan: “Ah fuck.”

Flo: “That’s unfortunate.”

Nathan: “Moving away, then.”

Flo: “Ok, let me know.”

Nathan: “Moving away, then, with my egg towards a flat ceiling, so I can install a mirror.”

Flo: “Goals!”

Nathan: “Goals!”

Flo: “Thank you for coming.”

Nathan: “No problem.”

Flo: “Bye!”

[for-ests]

Always Enough- Peter Parker x Reader

Okay so this imagine was an anon request that I had previously posted, but I accidentally deleted. I didn't mean to, so here’s a re-upload. Happy finals & sorry my dumbass clicked the wrong button on tumblr mobile because im stupid

Summary (bc the request deleted w/ the post): The reader realizes she had been neglecting Peter because she was stressed over school. Peter thinks there might be another reason because she has become distant. Confrontation and angst follows!

Word count: 2, 360

✭♡✭♡✭♡✭

Finals were a killer, especially for a nursing major like yourself. The stress of it all made you want to curl up into a ball and cry. Cry for hours until you couldn't cry no more. 

But that wasn't an option. What you dreamed of becoming, something simple, yet incredibly difficult, was growing out of reach. Your hours of studying had led you nowhere, only to barely tangible grades. Grades that were barely above average. You were disappointed, discouraged, and running out of options.

What else would you do with your life? Becoming a nurse was the only thing you had ever wanted to be, it was all you knew. Ever since aliens rained in the sky, your only motive was to help the ones who couldn't help themselves. But how could you ever hope to do that when you couldn't pass biochem?

What didn't help your anxious mind was the house you had to stress over, and your minimum wage restaurant job that didn't add to your required expertise. Tears welled in your eyes as you remembered you had to lay a payment down on your ever-increasing student loans. Maybe college wasn't for you. Perhaps it was never meant to be. Your summer money was running out and fast.

Just breathe. You repeated. I don't have time to cry.

You could cry after you studied. And right now, you had barely glanced at your flashcards for more than ten minutes. It seemed like you were paralyzed, sitting in bed with your flashcards scattered around you, all of them laid out and waiting for involvement.

Just as you were about to pick up the first card, your phone buzzed beside you. Instinctively, you glanced at it, your heart dropping when you saw Peter's name flash across the screen.

Date. You had a date night, and you forgot.

"Fuck!" You cursed out loud, the tears you had tried so hard to control seeming to burst over your eyelids. How could you forget?

Peter: I'll be there in 15 minutes :D

You replied immediately, glancing at yourself in the phone's reflection. You looked terrible and distraught beyond compare.

Y/N: Peter…im so sorry I forgot, i'm not ready

Peter: oh

Y/N: i have a huge exam soon, maybe its for the best that we rain check? i'm sorry I know ive done this before but im really stressed about it

Peter: we havent talked for days, y/n, i think theres more going on than what youre telling me

Y/N: what? of course not wtf

Peter: im coming over anyways, ill be there soon

Y/N: why?

Peter: we have to talk.

Your heart dropped down to your stomach. Those words were what you had been dreading, and all focus you had managed to gather vanished into thin air. You knew you had been neglecting Peter's affections. Even if every fiber in your being wanted to make him the single most important thing in your life.

It had been almost a week since you'd seen him, and honestly, it was painful in the most innocent way.

But Peter didn't have to worry like you did. He was gifted and already had his entire life ahead of him, set in the middle of Stark industries. But you never asked for a handout, you never asked for help. Even though you knew he was the smartest young man around. You were proud to be his, and the thought of that disappearing was more detrimental to you that failing your upcoming exam.

Y/N: ok, front door is open

Tears were rolling down your cheeks at this point. You had been with Peter for over a year and had gone without seeing him for longer, but he was right. This time was different. This was the third date you had canceled without wanting to, but sometimes apologizing wasn't enough. Peter deserved a lengthy explanation of what you were really going through.

You were so used to holding back your emotions, that times like this were an occasional reoccurrence. You had always been so afraid of unloading your burdens onto others that you still sometimes forgot that having a boyfriend came with that perk. He was still going to love and cherish you if you asked for help and advice. Hell, you needed to realize that he wanted to.

That was a factor of why you were so in love with Peter. He always listened, and sometimes, even push the truth out of you when he could tell you needed it.

"You're already crying, huh." A sad smile was on Peter's face as he opened the door. His sudden appearance startled you, and you managed to chuckle despite the circumstances.

"You know me." You sniffled, immediately embarrassed by the state he had caught you in. Instinctively, you brushed your hair to the side and dabbed the tears from under your eyes. You could feel the remnants of Make-up drying to your skin.

"I didn't mean to ruin your study-"

"But we need to talk." You finished, shoving your school supplies to the edge of the bed. You made enough room, so he was able to sit comfortably.

Slightly embarrassed, you kept your gaze averted as best as you could. Just Peter's presence made your heart flutter, and a part of you was trying to prepare for the worst. You might really lose him this time. And for what? Yes, school was incredibly important, so, so important. But so was Peter, and you needed to find a balance.

Your silence was enough to beckon Peter's thoughts into the open.

"I just need to make sure you're still serious… about us." His voice was soft as if it was struggling to stay neutral.

Finally, gaining the courage to look at him, you locked eyes. Peter's gaze was heavy and forthcoming, and it took all of your willpower to swallow the knot in your throat.

"Of course, I am." The conviction was entirely evident in your tone. So much so, that Peter fell silent. His accusations seemed to die in his throat, but he knew that if he didn't get them out now, they would creep back to him later.

"It's hard to tell sometimes," Peter muttered, unable to gaze at your confused expression. You looked so hurt.

Your silence beckoned him to continue.

"I haven't properly talked with you in a week. You've canceled our last three dates… it seems like you never want to hang out with me anymore."

Peter winced. He was a grown man, and he sounded like a child. Yet, he had let so many things slide, hoping you would come around, hoping you would make it up to him. Perhaps he had been selfish to only think of himself in the relationship. He failed to realize that maybe in attempts to please him, you were putting your own future on the line. 

"I know you're going through a lot, but you can't even seem to talk about it." Peter's shoulders felt tense, his eyebrows knitting together in an agitated expression. His leg was bouncing up and down uncontrollably. He looked like he was about to burst.

"I'm sorry." You said, trying to swallow the knot in your throat. Pausing, you tried to gather your thoughts into cohesive sentences that would soothe his anxious mind.

"There's nobody else, right?" He suddenly blurted, actually turning his head to look at you. Insecurity was glazed in his eyes for the first time.

"Why would you even think that?" You said, startled. The question felt as if he had shoved your head underwater and held it there just long enough for you to choke on the liquid.

His expression was blank for the first time. Vulnerability at its finest. "My life isn't perfect, you know. I overthink just like you. I need reassurance."

Peter was so calm, so calm that it worried you. Though you were already afraid of how this conversation would go, it hurt you to realize that this conversation was the result of your actions. You failed to make Peter feel special like you had promised. Like he had promised you. Relationships go both ways, and for the last couple of weeks, it had only gone one.

"No, Peter. There will never be anyone else."

He sighed, relaxing slightly. "You've been acting weird. I don't really know what to think."

"I told you a billion times, I'm studying. After work, that's literally all I do. And I need to focus."

"I feel like there's more. It feels weird to not see a text from you when I wake up. It feels weird to not hear your voice. I don't… I don't like it, Y/N. Even if that's selfish."

And selfish it was. Peter expected you to be transparent while he was hiding possibly the biggest secret in the world. Maybe that was why he was so worried about how much you loved him. Peter wanted to be honest with you. He wanted you to know he was spider-man, but right now, he still couldn't bring himself to. Perhaps he was looking for a reason.

"I'm sorry." Your hands were clenched in your lap. "I've never had to deal with this before. Everything is so new, even if we've been together for a year. I've never cared about anyone like this, and I can't manage my time."

Peter paused as if every word in this conversation pained him to no end. His eyes were glossy, his mind unclear. He was desperately trying to understand why you were isolating himself. "You can't make any time for me?"

"That's the thing, I can't focus on anything else when I'm with you." Your lip quivered. "And that's a problem."

"It's not for me." He said quickly. "I make time for you, and you don't for me. And you need to tell me why."

You glanced away, embarrassed. No matter what you said, the reason wouldn't be good enough. You were just a bad girlfriend.

Peter reached his hand out and pulled you to him. You rested your chin upon his shoulder, soothed to feel his warmth once again. "You need to tell me, Y/N. We've made it work for this long, and all of a sudden, it stopped."

Your body started to shake. Trying to muffle your sob, you brought your hand to your mouth. It was all too much.

"-You have your whole life together, Peter. I have nothing, I still have to work for it. I'm not as smart as you, I'm-"and that's when the tears started to flow. It was a literal flood, tear after tear poured over your eyelids until they were bloodshot, until pressure pounded through your head.

Before you could finish, your face was pressed against Peter's chest. He held you tightly, his sweatshirt dabbing up your tears of sorrow. You gripped tightly to him, releasing the stress that had been building up inside of you for the last two weeks.

He did not know what else to do. Showing you that he loved you seemed like the most viable option. Sometimes all you had to do was listen, and that was enough.

"I got a bad grade on my midterm exam, one that I didn't study for because I spent my time with you—I thought-"

"Shh." He stroked your hair, understanding what you meant without a complete explanation.

"I work so hard, and it's never enough-"

"It's always enough, Y/N."

"I got so caught up in it that I neglected you in the process. So much so that you thought I was cheating on you" you inhaled sharply, whimpering against him, so many different emotions swirling through your mind. "You're the best thing in my life, and I put you second…"

"Look at me, Y/N." He cupped your cheeks in a swift movement, forcing you to look at him through tear-filled eyes. "You are enough for me. That's why I bothered to have this conversation with you. That's why I care." He pressed his lips against your forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too, Peter." You tilted your head up to kiss him wholly on the lips. You were a mess, but Peter had always told you that you looked beautiful when you cried.

"Rosy cheeks." He whispered, patting down your hair, inhaling your scent, and appreciating the beauty you constantly radiated.

You chuckled, sniffling loudly. Peter always said that after you had a successful mental break down, your cheeks brandished a rosy shade.

"Shut up." You whispered, tightening your grip around his torso. His back fell against your bed, and you shifted to lay completely on top of him. The firmness of his chest underneath you caused instant relaxation, instant relief. Maybe, just maybe, being in his presence was enough to get rid of the stress from everyday life.

The corners of your eyes were raw and red, yet it complimented your shade. Peter vowed from the moment he had met you, that he would never let any harm come to you. The last thing Peter had ever expected was that he might be the reason, instead of the world.

At least, for now, he had the power to fix it. You were the love of his life, and he had never felt so gratified to be in anyone else's presence.

Peter's fingers traced light, small circles on your back. He could hear your heartbeat slow. The softness of your finger against his was enough to help him close his eyes.

He was at peace, real peace for the first time in weeks.

"We need to remind ourselves to talk about shit more." You mumbled sleepy, almost inaudible. "So this doesn't happen again, because I hate it."

"Me too, babe." He whispered, content with watching you rise and fall in sync with his breathing.

"I couldn't bear to lose you."

[missvalerietanner]

The Last of Us - Part II

Completion time: 24 hrs. 48 mins.

After lots of reflection on the story and reading a lot of other people’s takes on the game as a whole, here’s my two cents:

The #1 feeling I had at the end of TLOU2 was relief.

And I’m SO surprised I don’t see more people saying they felt this way. 

After almost 25 hours of emotional turmoil and a lot of tears and rage and disgust, I felt as weary and drained as Ellie. I was ready for it to be over. No matter the outcome, I wanted an ending. I wanted everything to stop.

When we’re first placed in Abby’s shoes, I knew it was leading no where good. And when Abby starts saying she’s looking for “him,” I know the “him” is Joel, no question. Then Tommy and Joel stroll into that room, the Wolves close the door behind them. Joel says his name. Everyone sits up a little bit straighter, and the camera widens to show Abby holding a shotgun. 

I jumped when she fired the shotgun, and I was instantly in tears, just chanting out loud, “Don’t kill him. Don’t kill him.” The tears slowed; then we pan down to Joel’s grave, and I lost it again. 

From that point on, I wanted Abby to die. I wanted revenge as badly as Ellie. But as the story crawled onward, Dina almost dying, struggling to catch up to Tommy, Owen and Mel’s deaths, Jesse’s death, the looming threat of Tommy’s death, I started thinking, “Maybe this has gone too far.”

Then we get placed in Abby’s shoes again. That was a real struggle for me. I didn’t want to play as Abby. I didn’t care about her (and after finishing the game, I still don’t care about her or her loss or any of her friends). Honestly, Mel was the only one I really felt anything for, and that was mainly because Owen was a total piece of shit, clearly didn’t want the baby, and was willing to run off and leave her and the baby behind. Otherwise, her death didn’t really shake me ‘cause ultimately, I still didn’t care that much about her fate.

Then we have to play as Abby and attack Ellie. Excuse me, Naughty Dog, but wtf? Also: I did resist fighting Ellie at first, but she legit kicked my ass a LOT. But the conflict ends, Tommy’s bleeding out in the main hall with an arrow to the knee and Dina’s got a knife to her throat, and all I’m thinking is, “Tommy has to live. We can’t lose him too. And Dina has GOT to live ‘cause we (Ellie) dragged her down with us.”

Then we cut to the farm, and I think this is the end, the game’s over. But no. Ellie’s starving herself, suffering from PTSD, and having flashbacks and horrible nightmares. Then Tommy shows up just to be a dick.

1. That scene with Tommy felt really out of character. I was even yelling at screen: “Don’t do that, Tommy. Don’t you put that off on Ellie. She’s just a fucking kid.” But I think Tommy does what he does, placing the need to “finish it” at Ellie’s feet because he’s mad at himself for not being able to finish it. Maybe he even blames himself for not fighting Joel harder and being the one to take Ellie to the Fireflies in the first game. If Tommy was the one to deliver her to Saint Mary’s, I think he would have left her there. He would have let the cure be made. And I think that is part of his anger here. Even though he told Joel he would’ve done the same, I don’t believe him.

2. Dina became my absolute favorite character when she passed JJ to Ellie and stormed onto the porch to get in Tommy’s face like an absolute perfect wife should. I was so proud of her. You go, Dina!

Side Note: I adored Yara and Lev. Their whole story is tragic, and huge shout out to Yara, Ms. MVP, for killing Isaac ‘cause damn, he needed to go. He was a sick fuck. The Apartments? Housing and torturing Seraphites like that? Yikes, and the WLF acts shocked when their kind is being strung up and disemboweled. Yara’s death was almost as horrible as Joel’s; it certainly was more violent, but damn, she was a fighter. It sucked she had to go through all the pain of losing half her arm just to be gunned down, but Lev is an absolute treasure. I am so proud of him.

By the time we make it to Santa Barbara, I honestly didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if Abby died. I didn’t see the point in it any longer, and much like Ellie, I was just tired and drained and emotionally empty. I had nothing left. 

So we start in Santa Barbara as Abby. I still don’t care about her at this point, but the radio call to the Fireflies? Honestly, I’d love to make it to Catalina Island and see what they’re up to. I would absolutely play DLC of Abby and Lev making it to that island and meeting the Fireflies. That radio call was the first moment in TLOU2 that I felt any kind of hope. 

Then the Rattlers appear. For maybe half of the game, I thought the story would turn and have Ellie and Abby working together. When the Rattlers came in, I thought, “This is is. Abby got taken, so now as Ellie, we have to save her.”

Eh, I was half right.

So we fight through Santa Barbara. We cut through the Rattlers, as mentally fucked as they were, and reach the end. We finally confront Abby after months of traveling to Seattle for 3 blood-filled days, then two years of some kind of peace on the farm, and now weeks of traveling to Santa Barbara.

Again, by this point, I was so tired, so ready for the game to end, I didn’t care. We find Abby as tired and beaten down as Ellie. She saves Lev, and we walk together to the beach. I thought that would be the end. But Ellie felt guilty; she felt she owed something more to Joel, something conclusive. So she pushes the fight, loses her fingers, and as she’s drowning Abby, she finally lets herself cry. She finally pushes through the wall of anger and cries, openly and honestly. 

I cried right along with Ellie, and I really felt nothing when she let Abby breathe. Her and Lev are gone, and there’s Ellie, all alone. 

I was relieved. There was an ending. It wasn’t a warm hug from Dina back at the farm. It wasn’t a huge party in Jackson with everyone smiling and laughing, but there was happiness in the ending.

Abby moved on; she found peace and a new family in Lev, and I know she’s on her way to Catalina Island. And Ellie set off to Jackson to makeup with Dina and try to heal her relationship with Tommy. And I hope when Ellie sees Tommy and he asks what happened, if Abby’s dead, I hope Ellie looks him square in the eye and says, “It’s finished.”

‘Cause it is. It’s over.

Abby lost herself and refound herself in her mission to save Yara and Lev, letting her life hold some value again ‘cause she had been so blinded by her rage and her need for revenge for too long. She probably hatred herself for what she had done, even though she felt compelled to do it. (Look at the way she talks about herself to Mel early on, “What kind of a person could do something like that?”) She thinks herself a monster, but by saving the lives of those kids, she balances the bad with the good and forgives herself. 

And Ellie stopped just shy of losing herself ‘cause she thought her life had no meaning because of Joel’s choice to save her form Saint Mary’s. But she let go of her anger and her hatred. She forgave Abby at the last moment ‘cause she knew she had already found her new purpose in Dina and in JJ and in her life in Jackson as a whole. And her anger was misguided the whole time anyway. She hated Joel for taking away her choice. She hated Abby for taking away her chance to find forgiveness and time to heal with Joel. But in the end, as others have pointed out, that’s all she really wanted: to forgive Joel. And in the end, she could do it when she finally let herself truly grieve losing him. 

Whew.

I really don’t know what to think of this game as a whole. On one hand, it’s hard to argue that is isn’t a masterpiece in all aspects: sound design, animation, visuals, controls/gameplay, acting, and of course storytelling. But on the other hand, this is the most depressing shit I have ever played, and I wouldn’t recommend that anyone play it. It is 25 - 30 hrs of pain that I don’t think I’ll ever revisit.

I don’t even feel any compulsion to edit GMVs or even think about the game, really (which is odd for me). The whole experience was so draining for me, emotionally and mentally, that I just feel exhausted by the very thought of the game.

And throughout the experience, I found myself comparing TLOU2 to Bioshock (beginning with Joel’s death, since he literally got Andrew Ryan’d via that golf club). And since Bioshock 1 & 2 both deal so closely with similar themes as TLOU2, I really feel like those games did a better job in all aspects; they found a better balance between the gruesome cruelty, the themes of loss and found family, and ultimately offered better resolutions to their stories with small glimmers of hope.

Sure, the fantastical side of Bioshock (splicers, plasmids, etc.) offer some relief from the intense brutality, but I can and have played B2 countless times. I still tear up at the end when Subject Delta dies, but your choices, good or bad, are reflected so immediately in Eleanor, that I really felt more connected to their struggles than to TLOU2. Despite all the pain and heartache, B2 inspires hope. TLOU2 just left me empty. For that reason, I don’t feel it was a great game. A brilliant movie, yes, and a compelling and gut-wrenching story, but not a great gaming experience.

It’s not the TLOU2 I would’ve wanted, but that’s obvious. I do feel that it is an honest game. It is the best answer to the first game because Joel’s choice at the end had to mean something. We needed to see the consequence of such a monumental decision. 

Mostly, I’m just glad it’s over.

So there’s my recount, as messy and wild as it is. 

... last thing, the birthday flashback to the museum was my absolute favorite segment. Joel is such a wonderful father, and when Ellie wanders into the space side of the museum and loses her shit, and Joel goes, “You don’t like this? Ok, we can go.” I started crying immediately. Then she says the fact about fruit flies being the first animals in space, and Joel is all, “You’re smart, kid.” I became a blubbering mess. 

And when they’re in the shuttle and he gives her the Apollo 11 launch tape and the camera hovers on her face just like it did in Left Behind when Riley acted out the Angel Knives segment: I cried through the entire scene. Joel is the best fucking father; he is a prize, and I miss him terribly. 

[aesirfalling]

From your writing asks: #1, 8, 10, 26, and 28 :) I wasn't sure if you had wanted me to answer any specific ones myself, but since it was an ask I wanted to respond properly~

I definitely wanted you to answer some specific ones yourself :^)

What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

I think this is obvious to everyone who’s read my more recent fics (so like... my fics from 2016 onwards?), but I like to write “realistically,” especially in regards to joys and pain. When people write about angst things like breakups and depression and physical illnesses they are sometimes hesitant (rightfully or understandably so, in many cases) to really get into the nitty gritty, and in many cases, uglier parts of them, but like, they’re a part of life and people in our lives don’t have a good time (or even many good moments at all) when these kinds of things happen to them. Those moments are still important, though, and I personally feel like embracing the dark aspects of those things makes getting through them in the end more emotionally and existentially powerful? If that makes sense. I’m definitely still wrestling with, like, the extent to which I should write such things (esp. since like, in most cases, fic readers are not reading your fic to suffer), but I think my underlying sentiment as a writer is to examine/meet feelings and life unflinchingly and with some kind of grace.

(I’ll get to the joys eventually. I swear. I have that draft of the second chapter of Lost and Found in my Google Drive. There’s Radiance and the mood in that, too. I just don’t like to write too much preemptive joy.)

The other thing I want to bring up as well is a kind of like... infrastructural realism? Or is it like, socioeconomic, worldly things? Like we’ve talked about this as well RE: how I’m covering Hope in my fics and how you worldbuild a lot around missions and such in yours. I think this is mostly a fic thing since to do this well requires a longer fic with a lot of forethought, and most people don’t have time for that. And honestly most people don’t like Hope for the structural engineering work he put into building new planets either

Favorite dialogue in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

Oh man this interlude is going to be CHOKE FULL of dialogue that will kill me and most of them haven’t even been written yet

But the things that I’ve already put down on my dump file are like all dialogue

Here I just wrote up this thing

Snow: Go on then. Tell me that you don’t miss the stars. Tell me that you are okay with just sitting here day by day, pretending that you don’t know anything, pretending that you don’t have regrets and wants. Tell me that you don’t care if I won’t invite you to the wedding with Serah, if Light finds another man, or if some orphanage is burning on the other side of town. Tell me - 

Hope: I don’t think you understand. I never needed anyone to motivate me.

Hope: I needed someone to stop me.

What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

Hmm... we might have to establish a definition for ‘fun’ :P

I think in more recent memory, I’ve had the most fun writing the dialogue between Hope and E1 in the Intermission, because I relish all opportunities to write him (especially in FWWCH where I’m usually banned from writing in his POV) and writing two of him is just double the fun. I also adore all occasions where introspective idiots have to talk to other versions of themselves because it’s kind of like. The inevitable 404 error when they realize they are actually empathizing with themselves is tearjerker and heartwarming central.

What do you feel like you need to work on as a growing writer? How can you improve?

Oh lordy there are so many things. Lemme just list a few off the top of my head

1) Linguistic ability: There is definitely a part of me that is sad about the fact that leaving my home country at the age of 11 has left me in a place where I am kind of bilingual but kind of... not really “Native” in either. Like, I have this lingering feeling that I’ll never get to the level of a “Native” English speaker/writer, and I definitely hit like language ability walls all the time when I write - things wouldn’t feel naturally lyrical, I’d run out of words, I wouldn’t know how to describe something the way it should be described, the sentence structure variety is pitiful, etc. I think it’s especially apparent when you’re writing a long fic, where like you have to deal with the same things over and over (e.g. writing Hope cooking, or how Lightning physically perceives him, etc) and there’s more of a limit on where natural inspiration can take you. I should read more good prose (since that’s apparently how I get better at English) but, ugh, effort.

2) Characterization: how many times have I whined about how much I suck at writing Lightning lmaooooooo I think the general thing is like, everyone is decent at writing someone they personally relate to, but we struggle when we try to write outside of our comfort zone. Lightning is definitely the poster child of “character unlike me that I’m trying to get a hold of,” but I think I struggled even more trying to write Fang, and I’d probably struggle trying to write someone like Cid seriously. I think a large part of the struggle is trying to morph yourself into that character (or, like, dissociating from yourself and just... “becoming” that character depending on how you view writing meta??) since like, just understanding someone is not enough. Just understanding someone won’t let you write convincing dialogue where they talk and move around the way they usually do. You have to like, become them and that’s really hard when you have a strong writer’s ego (I know, shocking, coming from me.)

3) Worldbuilding: wtf am I even doing with Hope’s White Lotus thing lmaoooooo anyway a world could always be more interesting, consistent, realistic, nuanced etc. And not necessarily through more word count on the worldbuilding-y stuff. I think it’s more about understanding the factors driving the world than anything else. Like what the resources are, who has power/agency, how things are done (e.g., in our world, decisions are mostly made by individual nation states, although large corporate entities often have immense political influence). AND THEN JUST LIKE CHARACTERS THERE’S THE STRUGGLE WITH EXECUTING THEM - like just because I understand there are rich oligarchs behind things doesn’t mean I’m good at writing the Great Gatsby. I dunno, I have a perpetual sense of imposter syndrome when I try to understand and write things about the world, regardless of whether or not the world is real. I feel like a large part of this goes back to the fact that I’m still only in my 20s and haven’t seen much of the ‘real world’ as they say, although I guess I’m technically still way ahead of most fic writers.

4) General writer’s attitude: this influences themes and the heart of one’s writing. When I say that I care a lot about the grace and dignity of my narratives and my characters, it ties back into this - I want to tell human stories, and I want to tell stories that reflect on our struggles and our faith despite said struggles. It’s the kind of lens that I filter all my words through and impacts every word I write. The obvious problem, then, is that my writing’s only ever going to be as perceptive or sympathetic as I am, and that’s something that I can and should always work on. Am I too obsessed with tragedy? Am I honestly far better at posing questions than providing solutions, even when I highly value solutions? How do I become the kind of writer and person that I want to be without driving myself insane or losing touch with the people that I want my writing to speak to?

5) Discipline: Am I ever going to finish FWWCH (or H&L or any of my other WIPs lmao)? Stay tuned.

I think a lot of my self-doubt as a writer comes from just how much I know I can improve on tbh

Do you need background noise to write? If so, what do you listen to?

I wouldn’t say I work with “background noise” - I work with mood-appropriate playlists (did you know I’ve been gratuitously naming all my fic chapters after songs?), or you know, the good ole 2 o’clock cosmic silence. It’s pretty interesting to me actually, since I also have an engineering degree and like... I need silence when I’m trying to logick things like math or the correct wording for a formal writing thing (e.g. a grant or policy proposal). So my creative hemisphere wants stimulation while my mechanical brain wants silence. Figures.

[yaboylevi]

What about this chapter did you not like? love your art btw ❤️

Thanks!

Sorry for the wait, I wanted to read the official chapter and wait for a bit to see if my feelings changed (spoiler: they didn't).

It would be way faster to list the few things I enjoyed but alas.

VERY negative opinions under the cut. Seriously, if you liked the chapter, don't read this, I don't want to spoil your fun or upset you. I didn't bother to write this in a respectful tone, it's not an analysis, it's just me venting. That being said, if you guys read this ignoring my warning and get upset, it'll be your fault and responsibility, yeah.

The Annie's father stuff was okay, though I hope it's gonna be explained why he was the only one in Liberio running against the flow of the screaming crowd.

Then we get Reiner being pathetic once again, I am so tired of this. What's his purpose in the story aside from killing people, being a nuisance and or dead weight to others and feeling sorry for himself? I would've appreciated if he had had some introspection on how his rushed plan was partially the cause for Porco's death and Falco's transformation (and all the other deaths bc Zeke would've never screamed in Shiganshina if Reiner hadn't pushed for another attack there). But anyway if he'd had introspection, it would've been about self-pity and NEVER growth because he seems unable to have that, so I would've disliked it anyway. 

If I wasn't already rolling my eyes this hard at Reiner, then I would've started at Gabi. She's all over the place and I guess it's understandable since she is a kid and also deeply shocked and in pain. I understand it. But I don't like how Isayama made her go from despair, to murder instinct, to calm and collected in 2 pages. It's just ???? Then we have the Eren parallel and I groaned out loud. Whatever its meaning is. It's just forced.

One of the things I hated this chapter for and that I'm becoming so annoyed at in general lately, is that EVERYTHING parallels something that has already happened, and I don't understand if Isayama thinks he's being smart or if it has some deeper meaning like "oh see, history repeats itself!! wow!! a concept that is not being repeated ad nauseam in the series, not at all!! /s". I don't need it to be shoved into my face.

Idk. Also Reiner, of course, being safe in a house amongst titan territory...of...course...

Then the 104th scene. Ugh. Jean's delusion is so annoying. One moment he's rational, the other is like "muuuuu ereh is doing this for us!!! we couldn't do anything!!!", then he's rational again. Maybe if they had paid attention to Eren, and didn't only take into consideration stupid ideas that would've never worked for 4 years, maaaybe yeah, this wouldn't be happening. Who knows. I'm just tired of the 104th whining about their situation. I understand where they're coming from, their feelings, etc, I understand it's a crazy and emotional situation and all, but we already have SO MANY CHAPTERS about it, it's time to move on at least with the plot. It's just so pathetic and annoying. It makes me angry how he's basically trying to avoid responsibility or rationalize genocide like all the Eren goat stans in the fandom. I hate this mentality so much. "if they disappear, so will all the hatred! Do we really have to stop him?" JESUS CHRIST JEAN..............yikes

And then of course they (and Isayama) had to ruin chapter 108.

Then Jean also had the guts to say they should kill a kid so they can revive a commander, just bc he's too scared to take the reins of the situation. Again, I understand the struggle, it's the same as Hange afterall, it's just very, very ugly how he didn't even waver. Connie's been acting irrational, and he's been swept up by his anger for a while now, so I understand his development. Plus I find it more relatable to wanting to make a big sacrifice for someone you love, rather than someone you (think you) need. But Jean???? wtf. He doesn't even think back on the sin he was willing to commit, he isn't ashamed.

Armin as well doesn't even care that it's a kid they're talking about, he's only strategizing. And here's another annoying point: he's able to make these calculations now but when it comes to Eren his brain freezes and he becomes a delusional kid. Where were his brains when he had to think up of ways to negotiate with the world? Anyway, I get it, it's because Eren's his childhood friend and family. I am just so tired of seeing this again and again, and again. We've been stuck on this for over a year... Nothing has changed, they're just dejectedly going back and forth on their opinions and feelings. Really goes to show that Eren was the real heart of their group...

Connie flying away from the battlefield, effectively splitting again the povs we need to follow is...big yikes.

Parallel to Trost, parallel to Serumbowl. Yeah wow so interesting.

Nile dying so quick like that was also underwhelming. And it was unnecessarily cruel, imo, that as a titan he tried to kill children when as a person he was so sweet with kids (except with Eren, of course...).

The Gabi-Sasha parallel left me a bit confused. On the one hand, I don't like the killer being paralleled to the murdered. But on the other hand, I understand why that is [/inserts meta that i don't care about writing]. The Kaya-Gabi moments were also cute + Nicolo's little speech was nice, though a bit awkward, imo. I bitterly laughed at Gabi finally admitting that she mindlessly killed people just to be praised. At least she can better herself from now on! If only her cousin could take his self-pity and do something to change himself with it, but no, he just wants to change others or run away (and this is why i don't like reiner anymore).

Shadis saving these ungrateful kids was pretty cool.

I felt bad for Yelena, I want to see more of her (and maybe Mikasa+Louise), but instead, we have Jean vs Floch angst and I'm already sleeping, because I care so little about both of them.

Isayama painting Jean as a cool leader is just embarrassing when moments before he was pathetically whining and trying to kill a child (to which there was no setup, especially comparing it to the setup for Connie's plot thread. The last we saw of Jean with a kid was him wondering if he hesitated in killing the Cart because of Falco 15 chapters ago...and that was a compelling doubt but I guess he hadn't hesitated at the time, after all lol). The pages dedicated to the killing of the titans were boring, occupying space for nothing imo. Glossing over them would've sufficed, there could've just been the Pixis stuff, and it would've been fine. Which, btw, made me laugh a little in retrospect, because Armin is once again involved in the death of a Commander. Oh well.

I also didn't like that mini-flashback with Eren&Pixis. I guess Isayama wants to ruin every single nice moment Eren had with other people, because Eren is soooo so so bad now uwu, for no good reason, and it's only his fault right? people were nice to him and look at how he repaid them uwu. Big yikes for me.

I expected more from that Louise panel because it made me go [EYES EMOJI], but I guess I'll have to wait.

It's also unbelievable that NO ONE IN THE WHOLE STORY has thought of stopping Floch, when last time they arrested him, so technically why would they even leave him running around NOW? It's beyond me. Do they have a brain?

As for the basement conversation with Gabi, I hope that "I won't give up on Falco" panel + Armin looking at Gabi thoughtfully will start a "We can't give up on Eren" mindset for the 104th, but I doubt it's gonna be handled in a non-pathetic way, considering how's been done as of late.

Gabi screaming to talk to Eren was also very embarrassing from a reader pov (well, my pov). Because she was RIGHT THERE when EMA talked last time, and she should know that would most likely not work (I guess she's talking out of desperation but still...ppl be like "yeah!! they should talk to ErEn!1 why didn't they think of it!?!?!" and I mean it's probably gonna come down to that if the final audio is of any indication...I just find the presentation of this concept awkward and forced). 

I really disliked most of Gabi's part, even though she's a character I have learned to enjoy. I guess what shined through in this chapter is exactly what I don't like about how Isayama uses Gabi's character: it seems like she's just there as a fast-paced mini representation of the story themes, so she's just an instrument to the story. Sometimes I feel like she's a real character, sometimes I feel she's just a tool for the story and the themes.

Armin's reaction to hearing about Annie is...I don't know. aruani has been one of my first ships and I used to be obsessed, but this is just awkward and forced, just like the previous aruani scene that made me angry at Armin. I don't even understand if Armin's shocked, scared or happy. All of these don't make sense to me, because I have no clue what he even expects from her.

Annie's release from the crystal happened in an unexpected way which i appreciated, though I would've liked it more if she had decided to get out on her own. But it depends on if she was stuck in there or if she was still willingly escaping from reality. If she was stuck, I will love this a lot more, because basically Eren set her free.

Also, Eren's radio podcast was longer I guess ("Eren said he would undo all the hardening"), and I wonder why we couldn't hear it all. Sigh.

In general, the "theme thread" of the chapter (adults & kids) felt really pushed in our face. I appreciate when things are a bit more subtle, this just came off as...boring, because every scene made me go "well, of fucking course this scene would end like this...". The only tense moment was the Connie part, let's be real.

And yeah, my perception may be also partially because I am so tired of no Eren pov and "eren is the evil, evil villain" rhetoric, so maybe I will appreciate this chapter more once we get his pov at the end of the story (bc i have no illusions left that this won't happen anytime before the finishing line). For now, I'm just frustrated because I didn't care about ANY of the things that went down in this chapter. Like, okay, let's move on, ffs.

Everything felt forced and contrived, like, Isayama must know that nobody cares about this stuff that much and everyone would prefer to see literally anything else amongst Eren, Historia, Levi&Hange, the Colossals. Hell, imagine if this chapter didn't have Annie at the end. That was the only thing that made this chapter barely worth the read for me. I hope the next one will at least follow Connie and Annie, if I can't get any of the other things that interest me.

[writings-from-the-hart]

Writebr Intro

Writeblr Intro Time!

Hiya! This is so overdue and I apologize for that lol. I’ve been meaning to write this but school seems to always be getting in the way of just that. Writing. But here I am finally writing this! And yes my username is a pun of my own last name but I just couldn’t resist.

So basically, I really want to surround myself with other writers and have stumbled across tons of writeblr’s (I think that’s what they’re called lol). Instantly I was in love and wanted more of what the community had to offer. I’ve been a self-proclaimed “author” or writer since my early years of grade school. I was that child in the back of the class with ADHD that couldn’t sit still (the cliche bouncing leg and always chewed down nails) and had what my mother called an “overactive imagination”. My notebooks in high school were often filled with wild stories about “galaxies far far away” or dystopias with cruel governments ruled by dictators. Now I’m in my second year of college swamped with classes about the Psychology of criminals (or I like to call the science of murder), and trying to find time to write a novel. So the struggle is real my dudes.

A little about Me:

Hana

20

She/Her

Pisces

Asexual

Forensic Psychology Major and English with a concentration in Writing Minor

Book hoarder

Dog Mom

Vintage AF

Low Key Emo Punk because I’m no average white girl!

History nerd (Love learning about the old wars and cultures)

Movie nerd (There’s an endless stack of DVDs in my house)

Fandoms:

The Mandolorian (or the ManDADolorian)

Star Trek

Star Wars

Hannibal

X-Files

King Falls Am

Welcome to Nightvale

Transformers (Obviously not the bad movies lol. Bumblebee is baby and must be protected always.)

Good Omens

Sherlock

Lord of the Rings

Marvel (There are so many shows and movies in this category we would be here all day if I tried to list them.)

Timeless (Not sure if the fandom is still alive after what the writers did to one of our ships lol)

DC (I’m a huge Batman geek and adore Wonderwoman, but I take the good with the bad when it comes to this fandom. Especially movie-wise anymore.)

And there’s probably more but my memory isn’t working currently.

Goals?. . . maybe:

Get my novel finished (This has literally been on my To-Do List for who knows how long.)

Meet more writers/new writers.

Improve my poetry (I suck at poetry so I bad I never let it see the light of day, so I need to work on it.)

Start my bullet journal.

Wips:

Okay by now you all know I have at least 1 Wip because I mentioned getting a freaking novel done, but just as a precaution as to what I mean by Wip or Wips. I get distracted quite easily, for some odd reason my brain absolutely loves to jump from one idea to another for no absolute reason. Like WTF dude we already have an idea we’re working on why do you keep bringing all these new ones to me like stray dogs. And like any good dog Mom or distracted writer, I want to keep all the ideas/stray dogs. So, when I say Wip I mean “Look at this cool idea I came up with” and I’ll make sure to specify which one is hogging most of my time.

Renegade: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

This is my baby. Most of my free time is dedicated to adjusting plotlines, character arc’s, fixing freaking plot holes, and other important stuff other than just plain writing. I’m hoping to finish this also monster of a story by 2020 and get it published. So big stuff!  

“So tell me little wolf do you want to punish those who have wronged you?” An assassin known as the Crimson Ghost makes their way through the corrupt city-state of Ashton completing a job given to them by the Black Rose. What is a seemingly normal job though turns into something far more complicated when they stumble upon the fractions of an abandoned notebook from the past. A past the Republic is trying to desperately hide and bury no matter what. On the other side of the world in the Republic’s capital Eshar, plainly referred to as “The Prodigy” or “machine” by his superiors,  Eric Coalwood has built a life upon the ashes of his family, striving to meet the high expectations set before him by his mentor General Wolfheart. However, his life falls out of its normal day to day routine when the unexpected is asked of him. Command a task force made up of the Republic’s most wanted or his life is over. Eric doesn’t need reasons for why he must do what he has to, all he needs are orders and the Republic is more than happy to give them. Either way the clock is ticking for both the Crimson Ghost and the Republic’s prodigy and with time running out they both have two options. Either get over their different beliefs concerning the Republic or allow the world to once again succumb to war but this time nobody is going to survive it. “Legends are slippery things. For the glory that coats them hides the pain, suffering and death that created them.”

The Trouville Files: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

Not my biggest priority but definitely one of them considering the plot of this story. I mainly use this wip as a reference for Renegade because it’s actually the prequel to it. Also, it’s great to use as writing practice when I’m plagued with writer’s block for Renegade or frustrated with a plot hole. So this is my double-edged sword that does a lot of good.

“Death in these black days is neither kind nor quick.” The year is 2153, the world we know is nothing more than a wasteland strewn with the dead and a sky being choked by their ashes, not glorious and thriving but desolate and starving. The Red Death, a pandemic with a steady progression and a gruesome countdown to the demise of those infected. No one outruns it or survives it. “United we stand, divided we fall.” The Allied Nations, a totalitarian superpower, promised a united people but all they gave this world was more death and destruction. The Red Death isn’t the only thing slowly killing humanity anymore, we are in the form of the War of Broken Pacts. The spark of revolution is lit, but if it will remain so is a question asked by everyone. Does it stand a chance against the iron-fisted government holding the people in shackles? “Rebel with a cause.” Genius Medical Officer for The People’s Republic, Cyprus Ramiro works day and night in search of a cure for the Red Death exterminating hundreds, at least before this war kills him first. But he is also a man on the run and the rebellion can only shelter him for so long. “Duty over pain.” Cunning Spy and Soldier, Orion Ultor is ordered by the Allied Nations to infiltrate and gather information on the ever-growing People’s Republic. In bold letters is Search and Destroy; make a ruin of the rebellion and ensure the Allied Nations remains as it should -- unquestionably in power. No matter the cost unless he wants to suffer the consequences again. “If we fall we shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix.” They should have never met, battlefields don't make good friends. It wasn't fate, it wasn't destiny, only war throwing people together.  The Allied Nations is trying to stamp out something they fear, but can they before the Red Plague? Or will humanity find itself extinct.

Beyond his point is where I house my stray dogs/ideas

Hiraeth: Paranormal, Horror, Mystery, and Thriller.

Scooby-doo who?

Hiraeth means a homesickness for a home which you cannot return. That is how Arcane feels like she’ll never be home no matter how hard she tries to connect with her family. The closest she feels to being home is with her friends and in the worn leather seats of the van they all pitched in to buy. It all started out as a way to pass time and for all of them to escape their families because to be honest parents never understand, but it all turned sideways when a simple “ghost hunting trip” stirred something that was meant to remain buried. The truth never remains buried though, not really, somehow it will always creep back in ugly and twisted. Arcane has never felt “at home” but she’ll do whatever it takes to keep what she considers her family safe.

Sweet Dreams: Historical Fiction, Thriller, and Romance.

A literal dream turned into story plot and no I’m not kidding.

The Red String of Fate, The Lovers, and War. These are the three elements intertwined within the plot of Sweet Dreams but before anyone makes any assumptions this isn’t some chummy rom-com. There will be tears and heart strings may get yanked clean out because the angst is real. War and love never mix well, it leaves a sour taste in ones mouth and makes the mind question things it shouldn’t. Like is the woman in his dreams the same woman he sees in all his dreams? Constantly he somehow ends up spotting that same ruby red lipstick, honey golden eyes, and brunette hair laying in perfect curls. She’s everywhere except in his actual life. They say you and your soulmate share dreams, living proof of how intertwined souls are. She doesn’t believe in love or the idea of souls, not with the monsters roaming around the countryside and battlefield carrying assault rifles. Society tells her where her place is, but she disagrees and rather create her own destiny.

The Prophet: Paranormal, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.  

A short story I can’t seem to let go or it doesn’t want to let me go, but either way, this story has the makings for something great. It also at times seems strikingly similar to Good Omens, so don’t be surprised.

There’s no anti-christ in this story, he already has a book about himself so let’s not make another one besides there are other stories that need to be told. Such as, have you ever heard of modern day prophets and I’m not talking about those people with cardboard signs saying “the end is near!” or giant churches with people preaching about the end times. No, I’m talking about a kid with messy hair and dark circles under their eyes because sleep is no longer a choice due to migraines that plague them every night. Migraines that bring weird cryptic messages that make one question their own sanity. And what happens when strange people start asking about said migraines and messages?

Virago: Fantasy, Thriller, Historical Fiction, and Romance.

I’m not a huge fantasy reader, for some reason I can’t stay invested in them, but here I am with a fantasy story in my wips. It has mages, knights, assasination plots, and one super badass general who takes zero shit from her king. That’s right women empowerment, my dudes! I don’t really have much of a synopsis inline or a plot because this is only of those wips I let rattle around in my brain from time to time. But I will say it does give me that LOTR vibe but also Game of Thrones.  

Don’t be surprised if you see my stray doggos from time to time because I will admit I love to play around with storyboards. Even if I don’t have a fully planned out plot put together for it.

And that concludes this what was supposed to be short Writeblr Intro. I hope I have peaked some of your guys’ interests because the community definitely got a hold of minee. Feel free to send me a message about anything I mentioned (even if it’s just fandom shit I don’t care) and don’t be shy. I’m a huge introvert but somehow love talking, so don’t worry it won’t be awkward and odds are I’m equally nervous about conversation lol. Also, feel free to add me to any taglist and reblog/like if you’re active and would like more Writeblr mutuals!

Happy Writing,

Writings-from-the-Hart

[sometimesrosy]

Anonymous said:Have you ever thought about the possibility of your theories about the show ending up being wrong? Because when someone gives an opinion different than yours, you like to make them feel like they're wrong. In the end everything you say is an assumption, so don't act like you know what's really going to happen.

Have I...

lol.

Yes dear. 

I think about how I might be wrong ALL THE TIME. 

That’s why I double check ALL (every single one) of my theories against the canon text and show, and then double check it again. Does this work? Has it been jossed? Was I off? No? Cool. It’s still working now that we know more? All theories are an interpretation of canon. A speculation on where it might go. An understanding of what it means. Stories are about making meaning and there is room for many interpretations within the canon. I say this all the time. This is part of what “ship and let ship” is about. That’s in my header.

(long rant ahead. also note how much MORE time I spend thinking about this issue than you do. thinking thinking thinking. you ask, i think about what you said. it turns out i think you’re wrong. go figure.)

A different opinion is never a problem. What a silly statement. The problem is when people ignore canon. Or create their own. Do I LIKE to make them feel like they’re wrong? Again. Silly. This isn’t about feelings. People send me asks about what I think about canon. If I think your theory doesn’t work, that’s what I think. 

Literary analysis is NOT actually just guessing. A speculation is not an assumption. An interpretation is not an assumption. A theory must be supported by the text. If the text does not support your theory or in fact disproves it, then your theory doesn’t work. I’m not the one that makes it wrong. Your lack of evidence is. An assumption lacks supporting evidence. A theory should have canon evidence and logic and use literary or film techniques to defend it. (if you pay attention in class in high school or study it in college you can learn these things.)

BUT if you don’t follow the canon and check your theories against canon, your assumptions will fail to be proven and then will actually be wrong. It IS possible to have wrong theories. It IS possible to be wrong. If you say, for instance, that Clarke Griffin is NOT the hero, you are wrong. This is not an opinion or an assumption. In fact that’s such an OBVIOUS bit of canon fact that I am astonished at how often I have to call fandom on being wrong about it. Yes. Wrong. It is NOT a valid interpretation, I don’t care how much you don’t like Clarke.  And you know what? It’s kind of funny when people are shocked that, say, season 6 spent so much time on Clarke and not enough on their fave. LOL. I mean. The posters didn’t give it away? I mean you didn’t even HAVE to stick to the text on this one although you could. ET is the actual star of the show. 

Ok well, in some shows the villain is the star could be your argument. In which case you NEED to have the evidence that she’s the villain not the hero. And, that, is actually not there. Morally gray hero? Yes. Villain, no. Moments of villainy? Yes, that’s part of the story, but when people say she only thinks of herself, the canon disproves that again and again. And again. Sometimes directly after a side character calls her selfish. Shaw calls her selfish? 2 minutes later she risks her life to try and save his. If you ignore that, your theory just falls completely apart. And if I say you’re wrong about it and you decide to attack my character instead of coming up with the evidence for your theory to dispute me, then fuck you. You’re no longer worth my time. Stick to the text. Ad hominem attacks do NOT support your damn theory.

Sometimes people ARE wrong. Sometimes theories are wrong. Sometimes, even feelings are wrong when you’ve misinterpreted the situation and are jumping to conclusions about what it means. Sometimes fandom is full of shit. Sometimes everyone goes off on some sort of groupthink dogma and they don’t bother paying attention to canon because they think their opinions and fanon is more real than canon. That may be true with fanfiction, which is a fan created content, but it’s not true with canon. CANON is on the screen and nowhere else. If it’s on screen, it’s canon, and that includes camera work and costumes and editing and music as well as dialogue, even if fandom doesn’t know how to interpret those things because they don’t study it, it’s still part of canon. Fan commentary, reviews, cast and crew interviews even JR’s tweets-- none of that is canon.

I have been checking my Bellarke theories against the canon since 3.05, Hakeldama, when I came up with them. We are now going into season 7, and the Bellarke theories are STILL working, even if I have been off on the timing of them. (I have adjusted those theories by double checking with the canon and seeing what I might have been wrong about [the story is longer term than I thought, not as focused on some things I thought were important, one whole story instead of seasonal, and more interested in building the love story than in resolving it.])

BUT I am also aware that even if I triple check my theories against canon and am super sure that the story is going that way, that The 100 is NOT my story, it’s JR’s, and he doesn’t have to go the way I want him to. Sometimes I get so enamored of a story I’m telling that I think it has to happen, like the time travel theory I had this season. I said from the outset that I was getting too attached to it and asked people to talk me down. They didn’t. But when certain details started popping up in canon, I let go of my theories that no longer fit. There’s nothing wrong with this.

I think JR’s a good writer and is staying true to his story, so that’s why I put so much effort into trying to figure out what story he’s telling. But there’s also the possibility that he’s not as good a writer as he seems, and he won’t be able to pull all the threads together. In which case, my theories would be wrong. And then there’s the possibility that I’m looking at the wrong things and he’s not really as good as I think he is, like with D&D and GOT, the evidence of misogyny and racism and toxic masculinity was all there and I chose to overlook it and focus on the good things. And also, Hollywood is a shallow business and it is ALWAYS a possibility that a show will sell out audience and story for the glam and cash of hollywood. There is no guarantee that I’m right about my theories on how The 100 will end, even if I’ve been right so far. If I am wrong, nothing will happen. It’s a tv show. I’ll move on. Did GOT break me? no. I moved on. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am aware I can be wrong. Lol.

But as far as I can tell, I’m one of the only ones who actually pays attention when I AM wrong and says, “okay, I was wrong about that one. Where did my theory go wrong and why? How far can I take it back so that I can come up with a theory that works?”

When I’m wrong, I’ll fucking TELL you I’m wrong. I’ll tell you where I went wrong. HOW I went wrong. And why. But for some reason, that’s not enough with you guys. You want me to GROVEL. You want me to fall to my knees and tear my hair out and declare that I am not worthy to theorize and then to toss all my other theories out too because I am BAD BAD BAD SHAME ON ME. 

no.

Part of analyzing a show as it goes along is taking chances on theories that MIGHT NOT WORK OUT, and then changing those theories when you get more canon information. It is OKAY to be wrong. That’s how you refine your theories. 

Being good at interpreting fiction happens BECAUSE you don’t think your theories are right and canon is wrong. You have to let go of your ego enough to say, “hmm, I was wrong, that’s not the story that was being told.” A lot of fandom decides that their theories are right and CANNOT be wrong and anyone who says they are wrong is down right EVIL. Listen. They gave me the name Demon over that. Not just me. They call canon evil for not sticking to their theories. They call JR evil for telling his own stories and not the one they think is happening. When he killed off L or didn’t make Bellarke happen when fandom thought it was time, or made Bellamy struggle when they thought he should be fine, or made B/E happen when fandom didn’t want DIDN’T WANT, instead of letting the man tell the damn story he wanted to tell, y’all said he was evil, a bad writer, failed. Y’all said the story was wrong and fandom was right and HAD BEEN BETRAYED. 

Me? I was like, ok what did I miss? Oh there it is. That’s the story JR is telling. YOU, you’re like YOU ARE A HUMAN FAILURE FOR NOT COMPLYING WITH MY HEADCANON. wtf? When I don’t understand a storyline, like Clarke in s3a, I don’t say that she’s OOC or the writing is bad, I ask myself “what does this mean?” and I try connect the dots of canon and understand what the writer is saying. Because when you are analyzing a piece of fiction, it’s the CREATOR you need to understand, not your own feelings. When you’re doing therapy, that’s when you investigate your own feelings about canon. I’ve done that too, and it is a perfectly valid way to engage with fiction, but it is NOT interpretation.

As much as you hate to think the world doesn’t revolve around you, there’s a lot of this world that exists outside of you. There are things you don’t understand and there are things you are not even AWARE existing that you don’t know about. I have never said I can’t be wrong. That would be stupid. But I do understand how stories work, how they fit together, how you can make sense of them. All theories are just that. Theories. A speculation on where the story could go or what it means based on canon. The speculation part is our thoughts. But it’s BASED on the canon.

This is an ask blog. People ASK me for my opinion. I give them my opinion. I do not say everyone’s theories are delightful, because everyone’s theories are not delightful. Sometimes they don’t work. I am a book nerd, a sci fi geek, an english major, a high school english and humanities teacher, a writer, an armchair psychologist, and obsessed with storytelling, archetypes and mythos... and you want me to pretend that people who don’t follow the story are just as right as the people who are rigorous about canon? Nope. 

DO THE WORK. YOU get it right. Stop pretending that you can spout any bullshit you want and be crowned a smartypants. 

You wanna ask me about your feelings and life trauma and how you loved CL because you want to be as strong and beautiful as L?? Hell yeah. I will sit with you and work with you through your story. Completely valid and supremely important. Actually more important than fandom or the 100 or any ship. But that’s YOUR story, not JR’s. 

If you want to tell me that CL is the main relationship of The 100 I’m just gonna tell you you’re wrong, because you’re relating to YOUR story, not JR’s. JR’s story is Bellarke as the central relationship. That is canon. The theory that CL is the main ship and endgame DOES NOT FIT WITH CANON. It cannot be supported in canon. When I analyze the 100 I am analyzing JR’s story, not fandom’s stories.

THIS IS AN ASK BLOG. When people send me asks, they are going to get my perspective as an authority about stories, science fiction, symbolism, archetypes, story structure, character development, how stories work, analysis, etc. If you send me an ask assuming that I will just nod along to whatever you say, you are making an error in judgment. 

I am a literal high school teacher. I have the authority to assess your damn theories. I have the education, the training, the experience, the authorization to do so. I have assessed state wide exams, grading essays and theories and analysis and writing. This is not some esoteric skill. It’s rather boring. It is high school english. I could post a damn rubric for how I assess theories. If you came up with theories like a high school essay (intro, 3 supporting statements/pieces of evidence, conclusion) I’d probably agree with you a lot more than i agree with some of the nonsense this fandom comes up with.

My standards for you are apparently higher than your own standards for yourself. You’ll just babble any shit you want and think it’s awesome. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? I am not faking it. I actually know what I’m talking about I worked hard at it, for DECADES. And I refuse to pretend that some silly, unsupported assertion is true just because some cool fandom person says it. First of all, not all of them know how to use a dictionary. And if you’re going to build a theory based on a phrase that you don’t know the meaning of, then your whole theory falls apart. You’d think this would be a rare event but it is sadly not. I’m not better. I just know how to google terms I’m not clear on. I also have the ethics to not lie about what things mean just to push my agenda. (sadly also not a rare event in fandom. you should google things to make sure people are not lying to you.)

This is an ask blog. I pretty much only post responses that people have ASKED for. You ask me a question. I answer. I do NOT go to other people’s posts and tell them they are wrong. That is an unsolicited opinion. All my opinions are solicited. I don’t want to argue with anyone. I try to stay out of conversations of theories I don’t like. I don’t dispute their theories unless they ask me (by sending me an ask) to dispute them. Do I have opinions? Yes. Do I make statements about general fandom theories? Yes. Do I ALSO critique fandom, you bet your sweet patootie I do, that’s part of being a teacher, evaluating how the class is learning, understanding the dynamics, analyzing the culture of the class. Do you like that? I DONT CARE. It’s my blog. My thoughts. My theories. Who asked you to read my blog anyway? Not me. I don’t beg for followers. And fandom is so slow right now, i have hardly any interaction. I keep controversial ships and names out of my tags. What the hell are you doing in my inbox, anyway?

Where did you get the balls to go to someone else’s blog and complain that they think their theories are right. I came up with them. With evidence to support them. I wrote essays/meta about them. If I thought they were wrong I wouldn’t think them, i’d change them. I work hard on making sure they’re right. When the canon moves forward and leaves my theories behind I drop the theories or adjust them. 

You are so rude. And so ignorant. And I’m supposed to be the wise and mature one and not give offense. 

Screw that. THIS is why I can tell people that sometimes they’re wrong. 

BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY ARE WRONG.

Get used to it. You. Personally. You are wrong. If you don’t like being told you are wrong. If you don’t like the FEELING of being wrong.

THEN DO BETTER.

Those theories you’re spouting that are wrong? 

FIX THEM.

Go back to the canon and look for evidence to support your ideas. Think about what the story is saying and where it is going and how things are connected. Compare it to another story. Look for symbolism, parallels, character development, story arcs. Speculate about what it means and where i could go, and use evidence from the text to show how it all goes together. 

I have an OBLIGATION to point out when theories are wrong because THAT IS MY JOB. I am an educator even if I don’t teach in classes anymore. 

I honestly don’t understand people who send their asks to a fucking high school teacher and then get pissy when she, like, assesses their theories as if she were a high school teacher. Do you not GET it? Do you not understand who you’re sending asks to? Do you think I won’t be me when confronted with your ask? I’m not a wide eyed ingenue who just loves how awesome fandom is and thinks it’s the superest bestest thing in the world, and can do no wrong and is never wrong. I’m a cranky middle aged geek lady who has been writing and reading and watching science fiction since the 70s. I am not particularly social and am very independent and am not asking for anyone’s permission to think for myself. I’m sarcastic and overly analytical and can get swept away into stories. And I am a HARD worker. I put more energy into analyzing your asks and theories than you put into analyzing the show. And that’s despite having chronic fatigue. 

If your theory is pointed out as wrong, then examine it. See if the criticisms might be true, where you might be off, and figure out a new theory that works. I do that all the time.

I am not the one who makes your theories good or bad, you are. I’m just the one who points out what you’re missing and why I don’t agree with you. 

If you care about my opinion so much 

THEN FIX YOUR DAMN BAD THEORIES and stop blaming me because you don’t get a not very complicated tv show. ALL you have to do is pay more attention to canon than you do to fanon/headcanons/fandom. That’s it. Just stick to the text. 

[fleetofshippyships-archive]

Fanfic Author Meme

Tagged by @diligent-thunder and @rockmarina​ =)

Okay, so I’m me, and I talked way too much, so I’m putting this under a cut to save your dashes. You’re welcome 😘

Please do not reblog this post.

Author Name: 

Fleetofshippyships + Knowyourincantations + Legendaryroar

Fandoms You Write For: 

(in order of decreasing # of fics) Harry Potter, Voltron, Merlin, Yuri on Ice, Star Trek, Star Wars and then a few one-offs that aren’t really worth mentioning.

Where You Post: 

AO3 primarily, Tumblr, trying to post more on Pillowfort, I also post on a couple of sites for knowyourincantations

Most Popular One-Shot: 

Fleetofshippyships: Potter’s Insatiable Cock (Drarry, Explicit (duh XD), 20k (viewable only for logged-in AO3 users)).

Knowyourincantations: A Decent Start to Things (Pansmione, Teen, 7k)

Legendaryroar: Finding Time for Rest (Sheith (Voltron), Teen, 3k)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: 

RestraintNone of my old multi-chapter fics are available to read at this time and I don’t really write multi-chapter fics anymore.

If oneshot/drabble collections or two-shots count, then:

Fleetofshippyships: Vanilla and Sweet Spices (Drarry, Explicit, 2 chapters, 20k)

and this really doesn’t count, but technically it has multiple ‘chapters’ soooooooooo

Legendaryroar: Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships (Voltron), Explicit (duh), 31 ‘chapters’, 26k)

Favourite Story You Wrote: 

I don’t think I ever have a static favourite, I’ve just written too many things, I too quickly move on to the next (and frequently forget some of my own fics exist XD), but recently I re-read In Pursuit of Red Wine (Dreville, Teen, 29k) and really enjoyed that again, and I am really attached to it cos it was my first longish rarepair fic, kind of proving to myself that I can write longer rarepair stuff. 

I also recently re-read Unburdened (Merthur (BBC Merlin), Explicit, 2k) and really enjoyed that too, had a total disconnect from having written it since it’s been so long, so I was able to read it without self-judging, and oh boy that was nice. 

I’m also quite proud of Healing What’s Left (Parkgrass, Teen, 2k) for some reason, I dunno, maybe the dark political backdrop of the fic, or maybe just cos it’s the first time I’ve written Daphne as the main character and I’m happy with the result and now have some headcanons about her rather than her being an unknown blank character to me. 

I also binge read a lot of my Voltron stuff recently and had big feels over that so....I also specifically enjoyed re-reading The Perks of Skincare (Klance (Voltron), Explicit, 3k) again cos I dunno, I like how I wrote Lance XD and also the Sheith fic I linked earlier is a fav for sure. Shiro/Rest is the ultimate OTP.

It really depends how soon after I write something or when I go back to re-read it as to what my fav is at any given time (or people commenting on it and hyping me up for it again).

Story You Were Nervous to Post: 

Everything. But most recently I was terrified out of my mind before posting: 

Friday Night by the Fire (Harry/Neville, Teen, 583 words) because I have a lot of fears about screwing up trying to write ace characters and somehow not even making that a focal point of the drabble made it even more terrifying,  No More Waiting (TianShan (19 Days), Teen, 2k) because it was a new fandom to write in, Harry Potter and the Maudlin Merman series (Drarry, Teen+ Mature, 3k +6k) due to my feelings of inadequacy because it would be better as long fic but I struggle too much with writing these days to write long fics and can only manage short things. I’d rather write this as a long fic, but then I’d never finish it so connected oneshots are the best I can do right now, but I still feel it’s not good enough and have a meltdown whenever I post one. And speaking of which, I’ve been sitting on the next one for months and should probably just fucking post it already.

Actually, most recently: Minding One’s Limits (Cho/Ginny, G rated, 1.5k), because I gave Cho a disability modeled off my fibromyalgia and wrote a scenario similar to something I’d dealt with myself, it was incredibly uncomfortable to write in the first place, and then terrifying to post, even though it’s so short. But in the end I’m proud I finally wrote about it a bit? I dunno, might take me a while to work up the nerve again though XD (also was my first time writing that ship, so there was a lot of nervousness over that too)

Oh, and I was a super ball of anxiety posting  Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships, Explicit, 31 ‘chapters’, 26k) because for almost all of those it was the first time I was writing those kinks (and some were kind of squicks for me but I wanted to see if I could write them anyway cos I’m dumb like that) and in a lot of cases those ships were completely new for me to write too, in addition to trying to write and post 1 a day, so...yeah. Also that was my first time writing tentacle and human/werewolf smut so...yeah. I was an absolute mess that month and not in a fun way. But I’m still really glad I did it, it was fun =D

In summary, I’m always an anxious mess posting anything, but most especially if it’s something I’ve not written before or is personal to me XD

How Do You Choose Your Titles: 

Most of the time I’m staring down the empty title field in AO3 cursing like a fucking sailor when I choose titles XD Sometimes it’s a line/theme/feeling from the fic. Sometimes it’s totally random and just comes to me. Sometimes I just grasp the first thing that I can no matter how stupid it sounds cos it’s been three days and I still don’t have a title and I’m over it and ready to post before I lose my nerve.

And tbh, it’s only getting harder to think of titles as my number of fics increases, and I’ve now started thinking of the perfect titles only to realise I already have a published fic by that title so....TITLES CAN DIE A FIERY DEATH

Sometimes, not so much anymore, it would turn out that I would give a wip doc a name just so I’d know what it was, sometimes as a joke with whoever was reading it and cheerleading while I wrote it, and then I would refer to it by that and think of it as that so much that when it came time to actually give the fic a title, it was too late and I could not think past that stupid file name, and that’s how Potter’s Insatiable Cock happened, and how I very nearly called a Merthur fic Arthur’s Wanking Tower (saved that one at the last moment thank god cos the tone of that fic is actually really serious and emotional and wtf was I even thinking with that file name and actually I linked to that fic above XD it ended up being called Unburdened). 

Potter’s Insatiable Cock slipped through cos it’s actually relevant to the fic content and I could live with it.

But needless to say, I don’t give my wip docs joke names anymore XD

Do You Outline: 

Only if I never want to actually write the idea...once I outline, it’s over. I can’t write to a detailed plan. It stifles me. I’ll always get stuck having to try and think ahead to the plan, and then I lose the flow and nothing works because I’m a pantser/intuitive/instinctive writer not a planner. Sometimes I jot down ideas but in like, the vaguest of ways, usually more focused on emotional development than actual scenes or events or anything because then I won’t be able to write it (and I rarely stick to those vague ideas anyway). 

I can really only write when I’m staring down a blank doc with no idea where it’s going and discover it as I go (which is why writing is so fun for me). I can only finish a fic if I don’t think too hard about what’s going to happen next and just let it happen as I write. 

This of course means that editing is a fucking bitch when I finish anything, beginnings often get totally re-written, but if I plan, it just doesn't happen at all, so I’ll take the extra editing if it means I manage to write something.

I do have a lot of detailed plotty fic idea outlines...and I mourn them cos I’m never going to write them now, but they’re so goooooooooood XD

Complete: 

Online (across all 3 accounts): 381 (incl. my hidden drarry fics as they are technically online just hidden, not incl. individual oneshots/drabbles in collection ‘fics’, of which there are ridiculously many). Offline: 20 (I have the worst habit of just sitting on completed fics and I really need to stop)

In-Progress: 

Too many to name, last time I counted it was ~60 but that wasn’t even including my vld wips so...I don’t actually know. I hoard wips and just switch up what I work on all the time depending on mood/interest levels/effort required. 

Current main focuses are a 50k+ plotty Drarry (*fingerscrossed* cos this is my first time seriously attempting something long (will probably reach 80k at least) in a very long time and I put it down for a few months and thought that was it but then I picked it up again recently, yay!), and re-writing some hidden fics I can’t put them back up in the quality they’re in, I just can’t guys, they’re awful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about working on the longish 8th year Pansmione fic I started for the wlw big bang before I had to pull out of cos stupid life stuff. I might pick that up again for a bit too, couldn’t be more different from the Drarry one so it’d make a nice focus break =)

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: 

I don’t even plan fics I’m writing, I sure don’t plan ahead to stuff I haven’t even started XD The only think I can think of for this category would be me re-writing my hidden long Drarry fics.

Oh, and there will be a Merthur oneshot coming (hopefully) soon, because @april-thelightfury115​ won my custom fic giveaway with a merthur idea. Just waiting for my brain to cooperate so I can start that and not suck XD but I’m so fucking excited to write some Merthur again, you have no idea.

Oh, and lots more Sapphic September drabbles coming too, I’m way behind and only just posted day 11 cos this month is literal hell for me, but I am still planning on finishing the prompt list, no matter how long it takes, but no plan for those, not even which ships, I just sit down with the next prompt and a blank doc and see what happens.

Do You Accept Prompts: 

Yes, I love writing to prompts, I’m take them via google form here, but I’m in such a bad space with my health I’ve been really struggling with writing lately, managed to do a bit of editing (fuck knows how), but writing new stuff is so hard, so there’s a long wait while I wait for my fibro fog to ease off to the point I can write new stuff with more regularity (and less stupid errors I have to edit out later).

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: 

Again, I so don’t plan. But I really want to be making more progress on the long plotty drarry wip I’m trying to write. I’m still not sure I’ll have the guts to post it even if I do finish it, given its subject matter (it would make a great careers or consent fest fic tbh), but damn I’m really excited by it. Not sure I can maintain it being plotty and not revert to focusing on the relationship (which is easier for me), but I can only try and see what happens. (trying to write a non-relationship plot without planning is a nightmare but I don’t have a choice if I want to write it at all XD)

I’m also now excited for my longish pansmione wip too actually, just because it’s already longer than my Dreville long-ish fic and it’s exciting and scary to do longer rarepair stuff. I’m way out of my comfort zone with the fic itself, but I dunno, I re-read some recently and fell in love with it all over again, like, flustered lesbian-awakening, disaster for Pansy (but sure she still hates her) Hermione? YES PLEASE! and also, I am guilty of not writing female characters as much as I should because, well, canonically, they don’t have much depth and I’m very meh about them, but in this there’s a huge focus on them because they’re all determined to band together for 8th year and Hermione is making friends with them (Parvati is like, dragging her along all the time XD) where she once dismissed them so it’s scary but exciting =D I’m getting more practice with all the sapphic I do over on knowyourincantations, so I feel more confident working on this wip now =D

I’m also kind of excited about re-writing my old long fics, because they’re all 3 years old now, and my writing tastes (and skill, yikes) have totally changed, so it’s like I’m writing the story again but how I would write it now while maintaining the overall same plot, so it’s really interesting, like discovering the story all over again. Like in one (Making Malfoy Blush) I’ve gone as far as introducing a new side character to replace another’s parts because I no longer feel those parts are in character for them. It’s super terrifying, but it’s fun at the same time =) it’ll take me forever to do these though, so I dunno about ‘upcoming’ really, I only chip away every now and then when I’m unable to write new stuff but am still coherent enough to do something.

Eh, it is what it is, I can’t write like I used to, hence me being inactive more than active these days, but I’m trying to work within my new limitations instead of getting frustrated with them and just giving up entirely =)

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Now, who to tag....I think anyone I would tag has already done it, and if not..I blame the fog if I’m forgetting someone obvious, if you wanna do it just say I tagged you so I can be nosy and take a look =)

Again, please do not reblog this post