#and i drank A Bit and next thing i know it my brothers driving us back home in dead silence and everything awkward as hell

[todayisafridaynight]

Okay but the BEST people to drink with hot take: The dojima lieutenants (excluding shibusawa hes LAME)

shibusawa kind of a lamer this is true but youre SOOOOOO right. i know awano parties like a motherfucker....

[lukeywritesstuff]

Sand In My Boots

Cowboy!LukeXOC

(Part one of my ‘Everything I Loved’ series)

Word count: 745

Warnings: drinking, mentions of sex and intimacy.

Isabella’s POV

It was a usual night at the local bar, college guys trying to get with college girls, older men trying to get with college girls, and then there I was, staring at him. The most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen wearing dirty jeans, a wife beater and an old pair of boots. He was sitting with what seemed like a couple friends but he seemed like his head was elsewhere, so I decided to go up to him.

I tapped on his shoulder and he looked back at me.

‘Hey, I’m Isabella honestly you caught my eye from across the bar and I wanted to know if you wanted to play pool with me?’ I asked and he smirked.

‘Sure, just know I’m really good. Ask my brothers. Just kicked their asses a few minutes ago. By the way, I’m Luke.’ He said and the bearded guy rolled his eyes.

He got up and I then realized how tall he is. That’s hot. We made our way to the table and we played a few rounds, he kicked my ass every time, but I still had a ton of fun.

When we finished his brothers said they were leaving but Luke wanted to stay. So then we had a few drinks and then we went outside and decided to walk along the beach. He left his boots by the bar covered in a little bit of sand to try to hide them and I kept my flip flops right next to them.

‘So Luke, where you from?’ I asked wanting to get to know him.

‘Eh… somewhere you’ve never been to.’ He said making me roll my eyes. He smiled and continued, ‘little town by Knoxville hidden by some trees.’

We continued to talk for a little bit as we did I made fun of the way he talked and he did the same to me. We walked on the shore of the pacific holding hands and he played some music on his phone which we danced to in the water.

We walked for a good hour before Luke suggested to go back to the bar.

Once we got there he suggested to have tequila but I rolled my eyes and said in a challenging tone ‘don’t cowboys drink whiskey?’ So we drank that.

We then left the bar again and went to retrieve our shoes.

I looked up at the starry night and smiled, ‘Damn that sky looks perfect.’ I said.

He smiled and looked up at the sky and said ‘girl you’ve never seen stars like the ones back home.’ And I smiled at him before telling him I should come see em for myself.

After all that we decided to head back to his hotel. ‘Don’t worry, Jack and Quinn have their own rooms so they won’t know nothing’ Luke said to me because I was worried about his brothers hearing something they wouldn’t like.

The second we stepped into his small hotel room our faces and bodies almost intertwined and clothes immediately started to get removed.

Once we were in the main bedroom area we were only in underwear which quickly changed as I unclasped my bra and took my panties off and he took off his boxers.

Luke lifted me and put me on the bed I shimmied my way to the headboard and he crawled towards me, immediately pulling me into a kiss as he reached me.

What was sloppy kisses soon turned into the best sex of my life.

After the second round he wrapped his arm around my waist and said ‘meet me in the morning.’

I sighed and looked at him, ‘Luke, you’re crazy. This is only a one night thing. You’re hot and all but I’m not looking for something serious right now. Specially not long distance.’

I got up and went to get dressed and I left his hotel and went back to my place.

Luke’s POV.

She left. I was hoping she’d stay the night. Maybe reconsider all this, but right after we spoke she got dressed and left.

The three of us only came for the weekend for the California night life, so now we have to go back home and I’ll probably never see Isabella again. No matter how much I’d love too.

So here I am driving myself and my hungover brothers home in our dad’s old sunburnt Silverado, with sand in my boots.

[windandwater]

dispatches from new orleans:

my family kept a lid on politics, mostly. at one point my uncle started ranting about how he doesn't understand how east germany could end up like that he'd do anything rather than be a slave and I felt all the mean words build up inside me and that's when my mom and I left. and my grandmother remembered she's supposed to not talk politics around us so she didn't.

the thing that kind of. makes me crazy. is that all of them are smart people who on and individual level love having people from different cultures and backgrounds and identities around. so I mostly feel deeply sad that they've been preyed on. because they have. news reports and headlines have taught them to fear people who they interact with every day and they aren't able to put the dots together that they're the same people.

they were terrified of us going into new orleans, as always, and as always, it was not just fine but completely fine. my mom always tries to justify their (fake fake fake) fear by citing the news reports they've read or maybe places really are dangerous and every year I come away thinking they really are just being terrorized by news headlines and inclined to believe them because nola has black people in it and god forbid we go listen to their music for a night.

my brother's girlfriend shut it down so easily though. "that sounds like their feelings that they have to manage on their own." and I said you know what. you're right. I'm not spending any more energy on this.

but it was incredible. it was fucking incredible. we went straight to Frenchman Street and we also took my cousin who is 23 now but the last time I saw her she was 15 and she's one of the babies of the family so my grandma had no idea her big city cousins were taking her bar hopping in big bad new orleans (the most we drank was coke and a couple mocktails lmao we are not drinkers). but it was beyond fun. brother's gf had been pushing for us to find a band/bar ahead of time (we need a plan!!) and I kept saying that's not how this town works, we just walk down the street and go wherever we want.

I was of course right because my memory isn't that bad. that's how it's always worked. god it was so fun. we found a grateful dead store and a queer bookstore and a huuuuge brass band playing on the corner and we only had time to hit two bars (we were driving out early the next day, this was not our most responsible plan). and I want my cousin to come to new york and visit so badly, I adore her. I also had one of the best po'boys I've ever had in my life out of a dive we picked at random. I fucking love new orleans. I want to go back sometime in secret and just explore the town with no family.

but they did behave. I got to know my younger cousins better and they are the fucking best. I hope I am giving cool wise city vibes and not know it all. I hope I can mentor not preach. I adore them. I want them to find their way away from their parents but still with a good relationship, like I did. I think it's possible and I'm so goddamn proud of them already. we went shopping a bit and got ice cream and food away from the adults and I'm like fuck y'all are already cool. having your baby cousin drive you around would have been humiliating a few years ago for me but my coworker in her 40s just got her permit last week so I'm just sitting there like I'm a whole personality category, my whole city hates driving and won't do it. come at me. not in an aggressive way. I just refuse to be embarrassed.

I got to show the rest of the family pictures, mine and their own baby pictures, which I have plans to send them on backup drives and CDs. they never got their dads photos but my dad scanned them all and he had intended to organize them more but never got to it in all the other things going on. so I'll just send them out to everyone.

I showed my uncle who isn't the most demonstrative emotionally but he has my brother's smirk. he had it on very wide when I showed him his pictures. and then he sat down and started telling me about everything about the house which only my mom has ever done, and *then* my mom kneeled down next to him and started telling me things too with him and it was like seeing them as siblings for one of the first times ever; I normally only see her with her sisters joking with each other. and his wife loved them all.

I saw my cousin who I've never gotten along with but has always liked my brother and we're finally building a relationship especially after the funeral. she's always cared so much what other people think while aggressively saying she doesn't. that always got on my last damn nerve as someone with actually nothing to prove and someone who rebelled or didn't when I wanted to or didn't. but she's grown up a lot and she was really kind last year (after a brief moment when I had to get her to shut the hell up). we have a lot of health shit in common and if there's one thing my family loves it's talking about health shit.

idk. it was a good visit. but I will be sneaking back there at some point to spend time with none of them and only listen to music and bum around the swamp to get eaten by an alligator. I've been so often but I've barely seen any of it. gotta fix it that. I'm here in Tennessee wishing I was there again.

[mariacallous]

When people ask what I’m doing for Christmas this year, I’ve been replying, with not a little bit of glee, that we are “going nowhere and entertaining nobody”. The almost universal reaction is one of wistfulness, if not envy.

Taking the pressure off the festive season and choosing to please only yourselves is something many people fantasise about. Some people feel so hamstrung by responsibility to others (and dare I say it, perhaps are so used to that well-established feeling of Christmas martyrdom) that they never get the Christmas they secretly want.

Thankfully, my husband and I have no such qualms, and for our son’s third Christmas, we’ve decided to do what makes him happy and have it just the three of us. For his first, we hosted my mum, and his second was spent in my husband’s home town at a huge gathering of grandparents, aunties and cousins. Both were lovely, if not entirely stress-free. During the first Christmas, no one was sleeping; during the second, which included a potluck for which I made two massive nut roasts for more than 25 people, only my son was: outside in the pram, being pushed by me, while the food was being served. My sister-in-law took a photo of me through the window: I am standing in the rain, parka over my nice dress, holding a flute of champagne. “I know it’s not funny now, but you’ll laugh at this one day,” she said, and she was right, I did. Eventually.

Despite the challenges of parenting a small child, I have wonderful memories from these Christmases, and we are still seeing loved ones over the festive period, just not all in one go. In a way, this makes it easier. I know some people are heavily invested in everything being on the 25 December, but it’s never been that way in my family, and there’s something about a movable feast that makes everything a bit looser and more relaxed. My son got to see his paternal grandparents earlier in December, thus skipping the hell of train travel over the Christmas period (I’m still haunted by our return journey via Coventry last year, which was spent in a vestibule), and celebrated with his nonna on the solstice. This spreads out the relatives and makes it less overwhelming for our toddler.

I know not everyone’s family are as understanding as ours, who have been happy with this arrangement. My dad, in particular, was almost insistent that we do our own thing and see him, my stepmum and my brothers at a quieter time – perhaps remembering his own days parenting young children, and the tug-of-war between the grandparents, which would have involved driving to opposite ends of the country. Like me, he thinks it’s important to create your own traditions within your smaller family unit, and over the past few years we have started to do that. That 2020 Covid Christmas, while incredibly sad at times, in a funny way gave us – and I imagine many others – the breathing space we needed to think about how we wanted to celebrate on our own terms: such as what we ate and drank, what the day’s timings would be, and what we most wanted to get out of it.

Our traditions have evolved quite organically, and are mostly to do with food. On Christmas Eve, we have a huge glazed ham alongside a range of salads. My husband will make Diana Henry’s winter panzanella, alongside something like a halloumi, orange and green bean salad and Ottolenghi’s squash recipe from Jerusalem.

On Christmas Day, after my not-entirely-sane husband plunges himself into freezing cold water, we will eat a bird that isn’t turkey, usually duck breast, and often far later than planned. The next day, we chop up the ham and use it to make our Boxing Day carbonara, an invention of my mother’s that has become a mainstay. In between we drink martinis, listen to carols, watch telly and dance to the Ella & Louis Christmas album, which, incidentally, includes the best version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside (far from being a sexual harassment anthem, it’s really a 1940s in-joke about how much two people want to shag each other, as the audience laughter and knowing ad-libs make abundantly clear). Dancing with my son and seeing his sheer, uncontrollable excitement at the sight of the Christmas tree has already got me in the spirit.

There is, of course, a part of me that will miss what I have come to think of as the “Euston sprint” from concourse to platform, stumbling through a morass of harassed northerners, blue Ikea bags overflowing with presents, and small children. But not that much. Hardest of all will be not having a G&T with my mum during Nine Lessons and Carols on Christmas Eve. Whether we are together or apart, I always raise a glass to her, and I’ll cherish it all the more the next time we spend it together.

This time of year can be stressful, and so often we find ourselves staggering towards the day exhausted and overwhelmed. However you’re spending it, and even if you have obligations that are harder to negotiate than ours, I hope you find a moment this festive season to do something for yourself. It’s wonderful giving joy to others, but never at the complete expense of your own sanity.

[whiskawaybelf]

Little bit of the next chapter of Ink and Water, easing into some backstory and some silly childhood chats.

Ao3 link

“So you’re a wine connoisseur out of spite?”

Éomer dried his hands and came back to sit, Éowyn beat him to the couch and sent him to the armchair. 

“Out of necessity. Rohirrim would have gone under if we didn’t retain our staff.”

“I didn’t realise you helped too. I thought it was just Théodred manning the fort.”

“It was both of them,” Éowyn sighed, she reached for the joint and came to standing, not happy to talk about her family without a little assistance, “They were gone all the time, never talked about anything else. It was the worst three years of my life.”

Lottie saw Éomer’s face. He was very still and his lips pressed together. He looked like someone bracing himself for a crash. 

“Boys and their cars. I can’t believe you sell cars for six figures. You’re basically the bourgeoisie.”

“I’m not the fucking bourgousie,” Wynn snapped, resisting the distraction for only a fraction of a second.

“You are the nouveau riche, coming to topple my aristocracy of old money.”

“It doesn’t help that you’re a duchess. You’re just asking for the guillotine.”

Éomer frowned as he watched them speak a language he didn’t know. Something to ease the transition from dangerous to here. She redirected naturally, she gave Éowyn a path to follow that didn’t lead to those three years. He was incredibly grateful. 

Lottie came back to him. Or rather she invited him back in, “My dad always wanted a Rohirrim car, the one with the... leather? Do they all have leather interiors?" brother and sister nodded like she might be an alien, learning the very basics of luxury cars on earth, she huffed, "They are shockingly expensive. Entirely impractical.” 

“How much practicality do you need? Your dad makes instruments. That's inherently impractical,” Éomer tried to start and she was protesting before he even finished.

“No. My dad manufactures the best instruments. And music is practical. It’s one of the very first things humans did together.”

“Don’t argue with her. You’re already in danger of getting kicked out,” Éowyn wore a fondly pained expression, this was a conversation they’d had a lot and she couldn’t seem to tell Lottie enough times how boring she found it. Each time Lottie would begin and Éowyn would refuse to listen, she wouldn’t believe her roommate roped another person into talking about her father’s instruments and the essential humanity of music. 

“We will continue this later,” Éomer said with his hands up, “When I’m in less danger.”

Wynn sat on their front step and lit up the joint, “I hope you love learning about the history of music. I sure did.”

Lottie ignored them both, she was right and they all knew it. Music was a heartbeat, everyone also knew that, “You know, if we could fit a piano, we would have a piano.”

“A six figure piano?”

“To make up for the zeros I lost on my paycheck. It seems fair,” she took the smoke and tried to make a ring. She didn’t know why she tried, she’d never made one before, but it would have been very cool if this was her first time, “I have us sorted for munchies.”

“A famous croissant?”

“Not practical but delicious.”

Éowyn cheers-ed to that and they began their second pass, the neighbours must be fuming. 

“Tell me about Wynn,” she turned to Éomer, “I want to hear all the childhood stories. The embarrassing ones first.”

“There’s nothing embarrassing to say,” he said and Wynn began to laugh at the smoothly bullshit tone he used, “She was pretty perfect. The perfect sister.”

“I can tell you all sorts of embarrassing things, if Éomer can’t think of anything,” Éowyn drank out of her nice wine. Lottie could see Éomer watching her, wishing she wouldn’t ruin the nice wine with weed smoke. Now it was just alcohol juice. 

“Actually, I’ve remembered some now. Do you know why she doesn’t drive?”

“Because she’s shit at it.”

“Yes, but no. She took one of the cars out for a joyride when she got her licence-”

“Fuck off, Éomer!”

“-and crashed it. A hundred k, gone. And all she got was a few stitches and whiplash.”

[reigningqueenofwords]

IRL

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Final part of the Games We Play

For the first time in your life- you were throwing in the towel. You were walking away from the case, and getting far away from Dean Winchester. Far away from the man that couldn’t even be bothered to show up to talk things out. You’d been willing to hear him out, to talk to him, to see if there was hope outside of World of Warcraft. 

Dean looked around, looked in every car window. You were nowhere to be found. “Fuck.” He felt his heartbeat speed up. If he didn’t find you now, he’d never see, or hear from, you again. You’d be lost to him. He’d seen your car that first day, so he figured he’d drive around. The first place he would look was the police station, hoping that maybe you went about working on the case.

The moment you walked into the room, you let yourself break down. You sobbed, your back hitting the door. Letting yourself slide down to the floor. You were a hunter, and you felt weak. Weak enough to let him break you like this. Kicking off your heels, you wiped your cheeks. Your chest ached as if someone reached into your chest and was crushing your heart.

There was no luck at the police station. Your car was nowhere to be seen. Dean kept driving towards the crime scenes that you’d visited the day before. As he neared the first scene, he forced himself not to hope to see your car. However, it swelled inside him, burning like a fire.

When he didn’t see your car, it was like he’d been punched in the gut. He wasn’t about to give up the search, however. He couldn’t.

You’d stripped from your ‘FBI’ gear, dropping it piece by piece onto the end of your motel bed. It was like the world was pressing down on your shoulders, making you feel like you weighed a ton. Taking a deep breath, you unhooked your bra, and slid down your underwear. Actions you had done a million times, but felt so foreign.

All you wanted right now was a long, hot shower to relax, and focus on what you planned to do next.

The second scene passed. Then the third. He was nearly at the edge of town when he stopped. Nothing. No sign of you anywhere. Dean put his head on the steering wheel, closing his eyes, and taking deep breaths. All he could do was turn around, head back to the motel, and hope for the best. Not that it had done him any good up until that point.

Stepping out of the shower, you grabbed one of the cheap, slightly scratchy towels and wrapped it around your body. Your hair hung at the sides of your face like curtains. As you opened the bathroom door, the steam billowed out into the rest of your room. It was like you were on automatic.

The whole way back through town, Dean had the music up, shutting down his angry thoughts. Anger mainly as himself, but that would have to wait.

As he pulled into the motel parking lot, he had his first speck of luck that day. There sat your car, trunk open. He parked the Impala behind it, forcing you to need to talk to him.

You froze when you saw Dean as you walked out of your room, your last bag over your shoulder. He was leaning against the back of your car, arms crossed. “What do you want?” You snapped, putting your bag in the trunk.

“I want to talk to you.” He shrugged.

“Oh, because doing that this morning at the diner, like we agreed would have been too much of a hassle?” You shot back. “Late night with one of the women from yesterday?”

He groaned. “No!” Standing up, he took a deep breath. “Last night I drank a bit too much, passed out in the back of my car. I got to the diner two minutes after you left.”

Shaking your head, you moved to shut the trunk. “I’m leaving. You can finish the case yourself. Or wait for Sam. I don’t care either way.”

Dean clenched his jaw. “You can fucking at least talk to me! I think that finding out the woman I fell in love with happened to fuck my brother, and me getting to the diner late makes us even.”

“Are you an idiot? I didn’t know who you were! You knew about the diner, and yet, you still went out drinking.” That made no sense to you. Moving to get in your car, you groaned. “Really? Blocking my car with yours? Are you a teenager?!”

“I’ll move Baby, and tell you why I was out drinking if you agree to talk to me.” His eyes locked with yours.

“You have 15 minutes, and that’s being generous.”

He smiled, although there was still sadness in his eyes. “Uh, can we go to one of our rooms so this isn’t in the parking lot?”

“It’ll have to be yours. I’m all checked out.” You pointed out, and he simply nodded.

You were sitting in one of the chairs while he paced. He had yet to really say anything, and you were currently staring at the floor. After what seemed like an eternity, Dean broke the silence. “I’ll start with the drinking.” His green eyes looked over to you, where he could see the heartbreak in your eyes. “I was fucking angry, okay? I realized that the woman I’m in love with, had slept with my baby brother. He knew what it felt like to hold her, and I- I…” He sighed, trying to control his emotions. “I only wanted to have a couple beers. Help myself think, and calm down. When I got to the store it hit me- we would never work out. Just for how you saw me act. Knowing that the woman I’m in love with would probably never speak to me the same way killed me.” Your eyes were watering. “I shot myself in the damn foot without realizing it!”

“You flirted with everything in a skirt! AND the bartender we spoke to.” You pointed out. “Hell, I was the only one you didn’t flirt with.”

Dean nodded, hands on his hips. “I know. And I didn’t flirt with you because you’re a hunter, and you’d slept with Sam!” You raised an eyebrow.

Standing up, you ran your hand through your still damp hair. “How am I supposed to feel? How you are online, and how you are in real life are two completely different people. Online you’re funny, caring, sweet, and caring. Here? You’re brash, you’re crude, you flirt like crazy, and I’m pretty sure you’re ‘every hunter for himself’. Well, except for Sam.”

“I know. I know.” He groaned. “You got the real me. You got the me I can’t show in our line of work. You got the me I can’t show anyone else. Aside from Sammy, you know me best. Hell, in some ways? You know me better than him!” His eyes were begging you to believe him, but you weren’t sure that you could. “I meant every word that I told you online. I love you, Y/N. That woman that I met online, I see standing in front of me. I see the sassiness, I see the spunk.”

You were torn. You wanted to trust him, wanted to run into his arms, but you also wanted to run- fast, and far. “H-how do I know if I choose to trust you, that you won’t be off being exactly how you were yesterday?”

Dean took a hesitant step forward, not wanting you to simply bolt. Reaching out, he cupped your cheek gently. “I know that trusting me wouldn’t be easy, and that you would want to take off at the first sign of trouble- but give me a chance. I will fight every day to be with you. I will group up with you, just like in game. I’ll share my inventory with you. I’ll open fuckin’ trade windows. Stop me at any time, because I’m running out of things to bring from in game, to real life.”

Sighing, you couldn’t help but smile. “Trying to get me with the nerdy talk?” You teased him, enjoying the way that his hand felt on your skin. He chuckled, and you swore you saw him blush. Biting your lip, you gathered your courage, leaning up and very gently brushed your lips against his for a moment. “I will…give you a chance. I’m not saying that I trust you just yet, but you couldn’t have pulled that online persona out of your ass, right?”

His face lit up at the fact that you were giving him a chance. “I promise, I’ll earn that trust.”

–1 year later–

“What the hell?!” You laughed. “I’m dying! HEAL ME!”

Sam groaned. “Give me a break. I’m new at this.” He gave you a quick heal, trying to keep up. “Why would you take on a mob that size?”

After you died you shook your head and sighed. “Because I thought that we taught you well. Turns out, you suck at healing.” You laughed.

“Of course I do! I kill things all the time. What makes you think I could do this?”

Dean walked in, eating an apple. “Is he still bitchin’?” He asked as he chewed.

You looked over your shoulder at him. “More like moaning and groaning. Trying to tell me he can’t heal because he’s a damn hunter.”

“He just doesn’t want to admit that he sucks.” He smirked.

Sam got up. “Okay. I’m done.” He chuckled. “I’m not playing healer anymore.” As he walked out, he patted Dean on the shoulder. “You can deal with her.”

Dean gave him a funny look and watched him walk out. “What the hell’s up with him?” He asked as he sat down. You shrugged. “Wanna do a quick instance before we head out?”

“First…” You logged off the character you were on. “Hop online. I want to show you a new character I made.”

“Why make a new one?” He asked as he sat down across from you. “You’re a level 110 with awesome gear. Don’t tell me you want to do that all over?”

“Just log on your damn toon.” You chuckled, waiting for his name to pop on. “I’ll send you a group invite. Don’t give me that look!” Sending the invite, you bit your lip, waiting for him to realize what the character name was.

Dean was staring at his screen. “Ar- wha- does that say what I think it says?” He pointed at the screen, his eyes looking up at you.

Smirking, you nodded slowly, your eyes looking at your screen. The character was a level one Goblin hunter with a very special screen name.

BabyWinchesterDue2018

Normally, you hated names like that, but you never planned to play it. You just found it fitting telling him the same way you met him.

Taglist:

@rebecca-hvnstn

[pbandjesse]

We are on the cruise!! And I am so ridiculously tired and also dizzy. It's crazy pants. But I am also having a very good time. I am also just so very very excited to go to sleep.

I did t sleep amazing at Jess's. The room was a bit to warm. My body hurts a bit. I woke up a lot but it was fine. My alarm would go off at 8 and I got up and would say hello to Jess. I took a quick shower and felt a lot more human.

I was feeling kind of sad though. My body is being very weird and confusing and I don't know what's up. I didn't want to feel unwell or uncomfortable on our trip. I would take some Tylenol and try and remain positive.

Jess had some last minute tasks to get the house ready. We decided to leave my keys just in case Nick needs to move it. And made sure our things were packed properly. And pretty quickly we were on the road. Ice teas in hand.

It was a pretty easy drive to her parents. It felt weird to be so close to my parents but not see them. I have requested that we stop there on Saturday when we are back from the trip.

When we got to the Barnes' home we would leave out things in her car for now. Going inside to say hello and hang out for a while. We wouldn't be leaving for an hour and a half. So there was a lot of debriefing and chatting and catching up. It was nice. Jess's brother can be a lot, but I don't mind to much. And Kerry is great. Tom, Jess's dad, said we would stop at Wawa before we got on the road so I was very excited about that.

And because I was excited I got us to leave a half hour earlier then originally planned. We would spend some amount of time Tetris packing the car. We have the whole small truck pack packed. And then me and Jess packed in the back row with both of our suitcases. Then Kerry and Scott in the middle row with their big suitcase. Then the parents up front. We were pretty tight but not uncomfortable.

We went to Wawa and got sandwiches. I got spicy chips and pickles on the side to share with Jess and Kerry. And we had a pretty nice and easy drive. We had lots of laughing and story telling. I listened to music and made a playlist to share with Jess. Because although we have been friends for 13 years, we don't have a lot of overlapping musical taste. So it was a fun little project to try and pick a bunch of songs I like that I thought she would also like.

When we got to the cruise port I was nervous! But it ended up being a wildly smooth and easy process. Even if Scott got very very upset when he had to take his belt off for security. Me and Jess quickly drank the last of our ice tea so we didn't even need to worry about tossing it. And got checked in really fast. It was painless.

And we were lucky that our muster station was right after the gangway so we got to finish the safety stuff quick and went right to our room.

It took us a minute to find our room but once we did I was really pleased! It's nice! Like it's dated for sure, an older ship I guess.

But it's cute! And we have a window! And lots of storage. And a couch. It's neat.

I have the bed on the left if you are looking at the window and Jess has the one in the right where the sofa is. It's really cute. But man was it hot in here. It took a while to get the AC to kick in but later, when we would come back, it would cool down significantly.

I wanted to fully unpack before we went to do anything else. Jess would struggle to figure out where she was going to keep her stuff. She brought a whole bunch of magnet hooks though and we are using those all over the room.

Kerry would come over from next door and Jess would braid her hair. And she would eat us come over to see her and Scott's room later on. But for now we were going to go search for our drink package things. Jess needed a lunch card and I needed a cup. So after Kerry helped us get on the Internet, we were off.

And we found ducks! Over the whole day we would aquire 5 ducks. 2 I found right away. Then our room attendant, Nadine from Jamaica, gave us one, then Kerry found one and gave us that one, and finally I found one right at the end of the day. I am very excited to find ducks again!! It's such a nice little thing to focus on.

The ship is a bit wild. It has such a mall in the 1980s fell to it. Lights and music and shops and people. It's a lot!! But it is also really fun.

We would run into Jess's aunt and cousins. Who I haven't seen since they were 3 and 6 respectfully. And they are 13 and 16 now! Mieke has grown up so beautiful and her older brother Dalton is quiet but seems very nice.

We would go and figure out the drinks and I got my cup (I would get a color I didn't love at first but was able to swap it for a blue and purple one) and we would head to Jess's parents room.

Theirs is very nice! Fancy. They have a balcony and while we were in port we were able to see the Statue of Liberty! Which was really neat. We chatted with them for a while and decided we would go investigate the buffet situation.

My biggest confusions so far on this ship really is the food. The hours are very strange. And by the time we got to the buffet it was closed for an hour and a half?? So we headed back to the 5th deck where there was pizza. And we would all sit together and have a few slices. It was pretty good. But the space was a little overwhelming. We would help her parents figure out the app and how we can message each other.

Soon though we went out separate ways. We had an hour and a half until our dinner reservation and so we went back to our room to chill. Got cleaned up a bit. Enjoyed the view.

Kerry would come over for a little. But pretty soon we were off to the main dining room to meet the rest of the family. Because Jess's aunts and uncle and cousins would be joining us.

We beat them all there. And would get to our table. And man were we able to feel the boat rocking.

Everyone else would soon join. Sadly some of Jess's family are stuck in Atlanta because of the cloudstrike issue and so their flight was canceled 3+ times. I feel so bad for them. Especially because their bags made it to Newark still! But we still had 3 aunts, 2 cousins, and 1 uncle to add to the original group.

We would lose Kerry pretty quickly though. She had to go to the medical bay because she was so dizzy. Which ended up costing $250. I really feel terribly for her. Because like I'm dizzy but I think sipping water and laying down will fix me. Scott would bring her dinner back to the room though and she would rest.

I didn't love dinner but the company was very good. Jess's dad's sisters are great conversationalist. And I really enjoyed talking to them. I also enjoyed Mieka and hearing about the books she has to read this summer for school. Scott and Dalton were talking about TV shows. And I was having a nice time even if the rocking of the ship is a lot.

We would have three courses. I had spinach and artichoke dip for my appetizer. Tomato soup and a Caeser salad for my main. And Boston cream pie for dessert. It wasn't the best food but it was fine. But once we were done I requested we head back to the room and get ready to go hang out by the pool.

I figured today is the warmest day. As we are heading north. And I didn't know if we would occasion to swim again.

So we said goodbye to everyone and went back to our room. We got changed and got our crafts (my knitting and Jess's reverse coloring book) and went to the adults only pool.

And the water was warm and there was a bar in the pool we could sit at. It was just us and one other person. And we just talked and talked and honestly the nausea wasn't so bad in the water.

We were in there for a half hour. Until I got to chilled. And we dried off and went to find a nice place to sit.

We ended up on a porch swing. Which I loved. But Jess was still really dizzy so we moved to a couch. But that made me very dizzy. So we couldn't win. We would still craft for a half hour before deciding to hit the buffet before it closes at 830. This was a good move.

I would get French fries and it would settle my stomach. I would sip water and chat with Jess and tried to not feel so dizzy. But we were struggling.

We wanted to explore more but the dizzy and tired was to strong. We would started walking. Stopping for a piece of water melon (me) and a chocolate ice cream (Jess). And went back to the room.

We walked all the way from the 11th deck to the 2nd where we are. And it was tough being so dizzy. Jess said it was like being drunk. And then we were on the wrong side of the boat and couldn't get over so we went back to 5 and then back down again. I found my last duck of the night. And then we were finally back.

Jess took a shower and I worked on this post. And I have been chatting with my husband the whole time too. I miss them terribly. But having this connection is worth any amount of money it cost. They are either Brandon and I'm glad they aren't just alone.

Now though I am going to shower and go to sleep. Tomorrow is a day at sea. And I hope we explore and see interesting things and rest and relax and it's just fun. I hope we aren't so dizzy and it's an enjoyable day. I hope you all have a great night. I love you all so much. Until tomorrow!!

[possibly-a-secunit]

Hi I just need to scream here for a bit bc I been holding it together irl and need to get this out

Tw for death of a loved one, abuse, drug addiction, mental illness- possibly more

My mom died last year. November 15th. I will never forget the phone call from the woman she was staying with.

"Your momma died last night."

What do you say to that?

"Oh."

I loved my mom, and I still do. But her dying has forced me to look back on my life and, unfortunately, revisit all the trauma I experienced at her hands. Not ALL of my trauma, mind you, but... Enough. She was supportive of me as a person and that made the abuse very difficult to process mentally. She didn't care that I was bisexual, she was too. When I came out as trans at 14, she supported me fully, going so far as to buy me a new wardrobe even though I didn't live with her at the time. When I fucked up and got pregnant at 16, she moved me back down near her and was the most amazing Mima my daughter could have ever wanted.

But she was also a manipulative abuser, and an addict. I was physically abused in place of my siblings, blamed for things going wrong in her life, accused of sleeping with her drug dealer boyfriend and doing crack, and, coming to a head at the ripe old age of 14, she tried to kill me. I was put into foster care after bouncing through a few family members houses, and I didn't speak to her for about a year. When we did speak, it was very limited and I was hesitant.

When I found out I was pregnant, she was one of the first people I called. I moved in with my grandma and Megan rekindling my relationship with what I thought was a changed version of my mother. Little did I know.

The entire time I was gone, she continued abusing my siblings, her and the guy she was seeing mutually abused each other for YEARS, she continued doing drugs and drinking, and then we all moved into a house together. She did meth. She saw people in the trees. She was only happy if she was drunk or high, but even that was 50/50.

The slightest thing would set her off, and she would go feral. One of my siblings moved in with their dad, the other stayed with my mom and my daughter while I moved to the next town over to get away from the drugs and toxicity of my hometown, start a career, and get financially stable enough to have my daughter. (Remember, I was a teenager).

The cops were called one night when the fighting between my mom and her husband got really bad, and my brother and daughter both ended up staying with me in my tiny apartment, until my brother also moved in with his dad.

After that, my mom got clean! She stopped doing drugs AND drinking, and even smoking cigarettes! She moved in with me, started an LGBTQ pride based small business, donated her proceeds to organizations like the Trevor project, got her license and car fixed... it was nice. She worked her way up to be a support counselor for LGBTQ victims of abuse of any kind, worked with organizations to set up needle drops for people with addictions to dispose of used needles and obtain clean ones and Narcan, and fentanyl test strips, all for free.

And then, one day, she just... Gave up. She struggled with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses I'm sure I had no idea about, and I think that it was just... Too much.

She relapsed. She drank, she smoked, she shot up, she snorted. She got kicked out of the recovery house she moved into, moved back in with me, fought with me and was subsequently kicked out of and banned from my house, attempted to drive to her exes house an hour and a half away drunk, crashed her car, moved back in with her ex, broke probation and got arrested more than once.

When she went to court, her options were:

A: 5 years in prison, out in as little as 3 on basis of good behaviour

Or

B: 2 years in prison, 8 on probation.

And you know what she decided to do?

She fled the state. She fucking left. She bounced around the country with money from who fucking knows where, stayed with other addicts she had met along the way and saw all the things she wanted to see. National landmarks, mountains, and even the snow for the first time.

And then, she died. She was 45 years old.

And now... It's her birthday. She would have been 46.

If you stuck around all the way to the end of my tragic story, I'm sorry. There is no happy ending. There is no justice. I just needed to get this off my chest. Her life was a rollercoaster of tragedy from beginning to end, crashing through and derailing other people's rides in the process. I'm 23 now, and I'm doing... Okay. I struggle with my own mental illnesses, as evidenced by this very blog. I don't really know how to end this, but... If you think this story is bad, you should hear about the rest of my life.

- Ransom.

[blizzardfluffykpop]

alrighty!! Now here's your free time to also talk about everything you wanna about the trip!!

Also no rush, lovely 💜 I understand real life happens so if it takes a bit or a while that is totally okay!! Just pretty please know

(Also also if it's okay to share a little bit: before I had visited my brother and his wife out in Seattle, the only bigger city I had been to was Kansas City. And before I went out there my brother explained that the suburbs of Seattle are the size of Kansas City. Once I got out there I definitely found that to be true. One thing that I thought was super interesting that also has to do with the pigeons, is not only the number that there were but the fact that they were just so freaking chill around people. Like there was a time in walking around downtown Seattle to get to where Pike's Place Market is - and I'm in the one time where just my brother and I were waiting for the crosswalk, a pigeon just walked up and stood next to us waiting too. Once the light changed and my brother and I started to cross, the pigeon walked with us for quite a few hobbles then decided to finally fly away lolol!! I was laughing so hard thankfully my brother made sure we got to the other side with plenty of time and gave me a second to catch my breath. He was chuckling and ended up saying "Big city pigeons are pretty funny to be honest. They're around so many people I think it starts to rub off on them. So yeah, that's my experience with big city pigeons lolol)

I'll warn you this gonna be long and I'm gonna ramble and there's sm I have to say. And I'll add little photos to go along with it!

So- it took 14 hrs to drive out there (which was one stop at Denny's *which was actually vv good* and quite a few gas station stops). I drove for a small portion there. But omg- it was crazy there was this bridge that reminded me of this bridge in Cleveland- and all of the sudden you could see the three cities- you could see New Jersey and all island of Nyc- and it was just breathtaking. We drove through the Lincoln Tunnel and that was interesting- but when we came out of it... my god we were in Times Square. (Tbh before this I didn't know shit about nyc- I thought it all happened on one island... Turns out it's got like 4-5 islands!?) Anyways that was beautiful- (it looks so grainy... but Tbz Nectar joke "So sweet like nectar-" "A taste worth more")

Then we made it to our hotel in Queensboro (at 11:11 pm) and I don't know if you've ever watched Taxi- but the bridge (Queensboro Bridge) that is like synonymous to the tv show- we got to drive over it- and we were staying right beside it on Long Island. In The Ravel- it might be by the same hotel that produced Days Inn but it was sososo nice- (maybe not as nice as a Hampton Inn or a Marriot but vv nice -if I wasn't paying for it we would have slept in the car/in a motel...). And maybe it's my inner carat but- we stayed on Vernon Blvd. Literally right on our balcony when you went out- you'd see it and I laughed so hard "Vernon?! Chwe!? Hansol?! You're so handsome!"

The next morning we went over the said bridge, over Roosevelt Island, and onto Manhattan island. Where we went to see central park- specifically the Strawberry Fields part. (Which is across from The Dakodas where Lennon... yeah...) Anyways- the fields itself is completely gone since John's passing it's been in disrepair. But there was an "Imagine" circle dedication and people were singing and it was really sweet. Then we looked for Radio City Music Hall (where the boyz would be performing) and found it! Then like a street or two over? We ate at Bill's Bar & Burger- My mom follows this Buffalo youtuber and she had went there with her 12+ kids and mom wanted to go to- so we did! It was expensive for what we got... But the water? Omg it was delicious... Knowing I had to go back to my water back home while it comes from the lake it still tastes like gravel... yeah was unpleasant so I drank it to death ebhbhhea-

--*this is inserted later cause I just thought of it*--

But I nearly forgot about you don't know you're next to rockfeller center only know it because of F.A.O Scwartz (the center looks like a prison & bank tbh)- and we got to see the skating rink (well where it would be) but the fountain was beautiful- we went past fox news and nbc- and the tonight show (crazy how it's all packed in there) and threw a wish (a penny) into a huge fountain. before getting water at a food truck and then see below

---

Then before we saw the boyz my dad and I had to walk to the atm- it was like 43rd street I think- it was in hotel... and when I tell you this reeked money I would never be able to spend... Oh my god- it was black marble everywhere you looked- but the hotel people were so nice! But on the way is where I would see all these pigeons come down and there were so many and I loved them each- but the brown and white ones were my favorites... Anyways- we came back and got ice cream from a frostee's truck- sth my mom grew up doing. Cause I guess in NY that's their icecream people? Idk... It was okay. But then I got to go over and get merch with mom and then we both had went and seen the boyz~ (Again it was unforgettable I still am having a hard time understanding that it was over a week ago...). Anyways we went back home on the Queensboro bridge. And I was so tired but I wanted to share with my one friend of what I saw (my phone fucking sucked so bad- and the car not having the right usbs meant that I couldn't charge it and talk to people & take photos... It was the worst but-). falling asleep after that was crazy.

My mom got me up the next morning and was like "Let's sit on the balcony." And I never really knew that I was missing that in my life? It was always my dream to have one. And another thing was knowing I was missing the city life. My mom's family is from major cities. I've never really felt like I've fit in anywhere? I've always felt vv ?? in my small town. And finally enjoying all of that finally made it click. Like I was finally where I was meant to be. Having to leave made me a mess. Anyways....

I bought tickets to the Brooklyn Museum for one reason- and I had known about this before the exhibit even opened. It was Paul McCartney 1934-1964 Eyes of the Storm photos exhibit. What was sweet was you could get in through general admission. Instead of paying another 10 on top to go to a ticketed exhibit. There was this sweet little girl who asked the people in front of when we were waiting for the elevator (that had no rails I have a slight fear of elevators this made it so scary). She asked, "Wher'u going?" "The 5th floor" and it was so cute- I love how adults talk to kids so sweetly... It heals my inner child sm. And she had a little conversation with us all while her dad watched before he grabbed her hand and led her away so everyone could get on and whatnot. Georgie & his many hats

Now if you know I am a big lover of George... that's my man 😌🤭 and he had such cute photos. It was so cool how it went from black and white to when they made it in Miami it turned colorful cause he had a kodak? (idk a color camera) finally- and it was so cool. But one of my favorite photos is the police officer with a gun. Because you and I prolly wouldn't have thought of that being odd. But when you put into perspective that it is only our officers that have em... And these four british boys were just "??!?!?!" seeing an officer with a gun for the first time and idk it puts such a cool perspective on it for me. I had been looking forward to seeing that photo the most tbh. But seriously it was such a beautiful exhibit and we had walked through two other exhibits the asian print maker one (oh my god it was so colorful and beautiful... I loved that sm) there was the painting of george washington that his wife had saved in the white house. It was okay. The american art didn't feel nearly as cool as Paul's or the Utagawa *I just found out since someone made me rush thru it... 😒* which is actually Japanese art come to find out- sorry I'd correct it- but this is literally when I found out. Anyways my mom's man is Paul- so seeing these photos for her was so much fun she loved it sm! (look how pretty my goodness)

Then I didn't realize it was the day for the 1964 things until I went to journal about it- because the next place we went to was in Queens (specifically Corona park). Both of my parents had gone to the 1964 world's fair when they were kids- and it's sth I kind of wanted to see to cause it fascinated me. But seriously almost all of it's gone... They're saying they're going to reconstruct the Pavillion and the Sky (thingies) but I sadly doubt they'll do it... It's mainly been the people- Nyc just doesn't care sadly. But "The Rocket Thrower" statue was the coolest imo- But "The Unisphere" was vv cool too- the water wasn't on and I didn't expect it to be- But there was granite pavement in front of it that was just vv cool it told the history of the place with picture inscriptions. And we saw the two buildings in disrepair- which were just beautiful if they would ever be rebuilt, I think it would be amazing. And then we saw the time capsule and the old water fountains. Along with "Freedom of Human Spirit" statue there is one statute we did end up missing. But honestly idc- but then we ran into retired central park animal statues that kids used to play on- (imo if they really don't want kids on them- they shouldn't put them in a park btw).

Then we got home and mom and I enjoyed the balcony talking about the boyz and all of nyc and how we would both miss it. Sadly the other person we went on the trip on was soooo excited to go back. (ofc 😒). And then there was a kpop channel and I was able to watch Youngji before the show ended! And then I turned on Men In Black III (My personal favorite). Mom got up again and we had gone out on the balcony until she was tired. She missed the city life... And imo she should be back at least in Cleveland. I've always wanted to live there but after that trip ik where I dream of living.

Oh- I forgot to mention in between we did eat at a place called Tom's Dinner- and I don't like chicken- but I gave it a try... and when I say that chicken died for a good reason it was delicious- I had a hot chocolate with chicken caesar salad it was divine. Mom had a cherry lemonade- and it was delicious too and she made me try her bagel and god... I'm so going to Wegman's near me someday to get their bagels... It's the closest I'll get to nyc bagels for a while...

Then we went past Grand Central Station and that looked vv bank like building it was crazy. I'm a big Ramones fan so I did have to see 53rd & 3rd knowing this where the song was from. And seeing it was so cool to me!

And then we were on the road home... It cost toll wise altogether 18.25 which imo to go there and back isn't bad. And we had stopped in Jersey to get dinner- Cutest name ever "Time to eat diner" I loved it- both diners were so classy. (We have nothing like that back home even tho it's a small town you'd think we would- we don't). And it was so fun the hustle and bustle and it was delicious- I got a caramel iced coffee- sth I hadn't had since I was a high schooler- And it was delicious! I had a bagel with cream cheese, whipped butter, one side grape & one side strawberry jelly. It was so delightful. It only took 12 hrs to go back but I was a mess.

Changmin had posted his post of missing New York (with Vienna) broke my heart to pieces why? Because I had finally found my Vienna. And leaving it- and him pairing that song with it- had me in pieces. I just wanted to curl up and bawl.

I really could talk about those emotions but that's something I'll see my journal for. I hope to visit my "Vienna" lots of times, and if not stay there for the rest of my life. Ik it's expensive but it's where I finally felt comfortable.

It's also crazy to watch tiktoks/videos from nyc and go "I know where that is" now- but it makes me so happy. I can't wait for the day I'll get to go back.

Anyways special mention to these photos: Green Taxi & Yellow Taxi

Then ofc Younghoon pc with the Queensboro bridge & the buildings on long island (I have so many more photos tbh but I choose some of my faves)

(I didn't get to say this before- but this part really comforted me- and it seems silly- but it did... I didn't want to reply to it until I was better. But thank you. Anyways let me get into what you said! It was wonderful that you shared a little bit- it made me feel better about me missing pigeons tbh. Seatle sounds so cool and so does Kanas City even tho it's not huge in comparison to Seatle it does sound fun to visit! Like the Canadian Geese have absolute fits you get close or the Seagulls- and the pigeons you're so right- they're so chill- and I loved that sm- ik it's part of their domestication but like it was just so interesting to see!! OOOOOOHHH THAT SOUNDS SO CUTE!!! That was your little buddy!! I'm so glad you got to laugh and have fun with the little guy- that sounds so fun! That's so cute about your big city pigeons- god I love big city pigeons!! They're so funny- I'm glad you got to experience them too! To more pigeon experiences!! 🤭🥰💖)

[ayearlaterletters]

10JUL2024 - 14JUL2024

This letter will mark the first letter I am writing to you. My letters will consist of randomness, my pov, thoughts and emotions. Most importantly, from the heart so please bear with me.

I want to recap our days together, every day. Something for us to look back on and remember the little things and the good days. I'll try to remember the little things you do or say to me that made me feel good.

On July 10th We went to karaoke for less than 2 hours. I sang L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole and you sang do for love, sail away, Telephone Man, and Michael Jackson love song lol. After karaoke, we head on over to Claudia Birthday celebration at Dave and Busters. We got to see Janel and Mya, Gaby C and her daughter, Sean, and Claudia's co-workers from her other job. We threw up the 4's as a bit and you bought the photos! I loved it for the frame because it's hilarious - what were we thinking we are just goofy lol. After we ate pretzels and garlic fries and drank your alcoholic beverage we played games. I got hit smacked on my face with a basketball because I wanted to win so bad on tic tac toe basketball, which I did win! After gaming, we went to the parking lot because I needed to go home and rest. I also accidentally took the night medication instead of the day one so that's why the alcohol was hitting fast but I was still functional! That day you wore your hawaiian button up, black trousers, docs, and a jacket. I wore a mini floral dress, jean jacket, and white heels to match your style. I wanted to dress up with you because I thought you looked handsome. When you wear trousers and a button up I think you're dressed up even though you don't agree. We were kissing pressed up against your car then we hear Mya say we left 30 mins ago when we really didn't lol. we were just admiring each other looking into each others eyes. You and I took a drive to Sunset Cliffs and we were intimate until 1am. I went to work on 1 hour of sleep lol. I would do it again.

On July 11th

I took an 8-hour nap according to you lol. I know for sure I took a juicy nap. After my much-needed slumber, I texted you and you scooped me up to attend your brother's volleyball practice at the YMCA. That day I learned about slapbox and it's such a guy thing to do. Apparently, you are a champion at this boyish sport. Attending the YMCA felt very nostalgic and I learned you were a YMCA kid too which made me smile. Little things I learn about you make me feel a closer connection to you because of the little things we have in common. After rooting for Marcus, he is extremely good at serve jump, we went to baked bear in PB. I learned Marcus and you had a bowling arc. Custom bowling balls too! Next time we go bowling or anytime we go bowling, Marcus is more than welcome to join us and he said he was willing too. Also, you sitting on my itty bitty lap with all your weight and all legs on top of me was so heavy but I love feeling you on me and then I sat on your lap and you picked me up surprisingly. you're so strong. You drove me home and it was a great evening spent with you and your brother.

On July 12th mid-afternoon, we went out to get So Saap - fun fact it means " Very Delicious" in Thai. My grandma taught me the translation and I didn't tell you that day because I forgot, but I just remembered since I'm now writing this. After lunch, we took a nice drive to Balboa Park. I pointed out a vegan restaurant that offers vegan Caribbean options. That place has been on my bucket list of places to eat. You told me you went to a location nearby to play the bongos and you have a homegirl that teaches something there - not sure. Fun fact: I played bongos too in the 5th grade - very fun. I showed you my magic card trick that my mom learned from somebody she knew in prison. My mom is very impressed I remember the card trick after all these years. I wish I could show you another card trick that my cousin showed me but I forgot and I couldn't figure it out, oh well. You also showed me Yu-Gi-Oh on your mobile and I was just clicking on random buttons but yeah I never understood the game when I was younger nor will I know now haha.

After spending time together at Balboa Park, you dropped me off at home. That was the day I told my mom I'm with you seriously. Her advice: have fun, be happy, and don't argue. I'm very happy she is supportive of my choice. I couldn't wait to tell you about my conversation the next day but it was news that was much needed to tell in person rather than over a phone call or text because this is something serious to me. It's a lot for me to tell my family something serious like that because we usually don't - family dynamics.

You went out about your day with Ezra and Oscar to Red Robin to get some milkshakes and have a boy's day. Oscar wanted to cancel on ya'll because he was tired. that had me dead lol

I missed you that evening. I contributed to the playlist you shared with me and then I was knocked out from the medicine.

On July 13th

I had a good day at work, came home, and took a good nap before I would see you to have some energy. You scooped me up around 3:30 we drove to Otay ranch and got some vegan orange chicken from panda express. We made our way to Plaza Bonita to attend our showtime Long Legs and sneak in some snacks from Target. On our way there I told you the news I've been needing to express to you in person. You were so happy even though you were just joking about me not telling my family and keeping you a secret but I can tell you were genuinely happy because I sure was. We make our way to target watched a really fascinating movie that captured us both and we were definitely feeling each other that night. On our way to sunset cliffs, you said " I feel like I finally hit the jackpot" that statement alone made my heart just M E L T. I just felt so special. You also called me divine. out of your league. words and statements I don't understand or can't comprehend because I didn't know those words could apply somebody like me. i am the apple of your eye. Sunset cliffs was so beautiful that night. clear skies, Waxing Gibbous as bright reflecting off the ripples of the coast. God, you took so good care of me that night I wasn;t keeping track of how many times I came because I just came when I felt like you were getting me there. As we were driving home too we kept getting flashbacks and you said me sucking your dick was heavenly lol. i love when you're in charge of me. I can't believe you became soft after coming once. i did that lol. What a beautiful night to end with my lover. Came home, knocked out, woke up, took a shower, then went to work.

Today is July 14th

Establishing this blog has been on my mind since July 12th. I originally wanted to do PowerPoint presentation leading up to our one month officially. I have that folder on the side, I just have to scroll through messages if I want to really to go deep but I'll find a way to deliver my message to you. Today is a rest day between the both of us. we got to catch up on some things before you start your new job tomorrow and I need to do laundry, clean, and go for a walk. I'm so happy for you and I am proud of you.

I miss you always. you leave such an everlasting impression on me.

angel numbers today: 11:11, 4:44, 5:55

[nikkireedsource]

Nikki Reed Doesn't Believe in "Good" or "Bad" Dieting Days

Everyone thinks actresses deprive themselves and have ninja-level discipline. I'm here to tell you that healthful habits needn't be synonymous with Hollywood thinness.

Welcome to Take Five, my new recurring beauty and nutrition column on ELLE.com culled from a lifelong passion for animals, the outdoors, and feeling good. For me, the notion of taking five—whether the number pertains to ingredients in a food or just a moment to ask your body how it's feeling—can make all the difference. Consider this your 300-second-long wellness retreat.

Last post I sort of introduced my ethos as well as ideas and beliefs that govern my own relationship with health and wellness. I want to say one thing before I dive into today's topic: Please know that everything I do in my life (and explore here on ELLE.com) is based on what makes me feel good, what I have read, and what I have learned from the people with whom I surround myself. In fact, I am still finding what works for me and discovering the balance through trial and error. If you are fueled by what fuels me, please read on!

Just over six years ago, I quit smoking. This decision was, to say the least, a major turning point in my life. It was one of the greatest challenges I've ever faced and I had little to no guidance nor a strong example leading me. I remember calling my dad during a very delicate time in our adult relationship and saying, 'I don't know if I can do it.' At the age of 21, I had never even stepped on a treadmill. I smoked and I drank Diet Coke; that was my life. Somehow I knew it had to change, and this was the first step.

While most people turn 21 and decide to go out and party, I turned 21 and decided that I was going to become somebody that I never thought I could be: somebody who cares about herself and her body, her future, and her health. I remember crying on the phone on day one of quitting, and my dad (even though he didn't smoke) just saying, 'Hey, we'll do it together. No big deal. We'll get healthy together.' It was that simple to him, and it unknowingly created a bond between us that has evolved into one of, if not the, most important relationships in my life. We rely on each other for motivation, we share articles about health and food, and we inspire each other in ways I could never imagine. He and I began talking on the phone while holding onto the counter and doing squats (I'm not kidding). As a result of creating a more thoughtful regimen for himself, my dad lost weight, lowered his cholesterol—which was the main objective—and felt better about life, his career, the way he looked, and the way he felt. He essentially became the life example I needed. It's worth noting that, if you look at my father now, he looks younger than he did 20 years ago.

The reason I am telling you this story is because there is no right time to decide to get healthy. You can be 21 and starting over, which can have its downsides—let's just say I wasn't the "coolest" kid on the block because my lifestyle shifted in a way that made me a bit of an outcast. (Not drinking or smoking wasn't really on-trend back then.) You can also be 50 and decide that you need to make a change. It works at any age, so long as you're committed to seeing it through.

Honestly, it's the little changes that make the difference. I've embraced the mentality that while I work I can also be working out. For example, for my birthday this year, my brother and father decided to make me a standup desk; now, while I'm on a business call, I'm also going to be moving my feet a little bit or walking around. You can also sit on a ball at your desk so you are forced to work on posture. I ride my bike when I can so that I don't have to drive, and this leads me to my next thought: being mindful when it comes to our environment. In California we're currently in a drought. In the last two weeks since I've been back from Europe, I've seen a drastic shift in our water supply. When your home relies on a well as ours does, you are extremely aware of what is actually happening amidst a water crisis. Ian and I have spent a lot of time figuring out ways to avoid water overconsumption. We no longer wash our dishes with the water running, instead we soap them up and do a quick, one-time rinse. When we brush our teeth, we don't let the water run. I've also taken to shampooing my hair and then turning the water on to rinse. It's the little things we can all do, we just have to make it a point to actually do them. We have to hold ourselves accountable, not for validation, but simply because we understand what it means if we don't. Okay, PSA over.

Now, just because I love writing and talking about this stuff doesn't mean that I'm always strict with my intake. For the most part I try to stay away from high fructose corn syrup and citric acid. I try to eat things, as I wrote before, with less than five ingredients. Other than that, moderation is pretty hard for me. I wish I could be the woman that was like, 'Yeah, I can have cookies in my regular diet because I can just have one bite of a cookie and walk away.' Nope! When I see a tray of cookies I want the whole fucking tray. That's just how it is. I believe in the cheat day. Instead of saying, 'I'm going to have one pancake for breakfast and then one bite of a dessert at dinner,' I try to eat clean six days a week and then on Sundays, I have a free-for-all. Now, I definitely don't eat seven pizzas and 20 donuts, but I have days when I'm not constantly monitoring what I'm doing. It really is all about the majority. (See some of my must-have healthstore items, below.)

Clockwise from left-to-right: Numi tea; goji berries; Ezekiel bread; Go Raw protein powder; Manna bread; Brain Octane; Two Moms in the Raw granola; Kale crunch snacks; Raw-revolution snack bars; local honey.

I try to think of food like fuel. I don't look at calories; I just look at ingredients. If my body were an engine, what would make it run? What would make it perform at its highest level? If I want to be able to go for a three mile run in the morning and I wake up and eat a plate of waffles, I know that I'll feel less motivated and more sedated due to all that wheat and sugar. I try to think, 'What makes me feel strong?' But that doesn't mean that the things I put in my body have less calories. They could even have more calories, but I wouldn't know because I don't count them! Sometimes I make smoothies that are at least 800 calories per smoothie; I eat an entire avocado with a spoon as a snack; I consume more than most men I know. This lifestyle is not about being skinny.

Also, can I just say it? I hate the word "good" when its used with regard to food, and I really hate the word "dieting." Dieting, to me, refers to some temporary solution to feeling insecure. I like to look at my last six years as a lifestyle shift, not some temporary fix so that I can look better in tighter clothing. I wanted to feel better, stronger, and more confident. If I sent you a picture of my body right now—which, of course, I am reluctant to do because inevitably people will go, 'Oh, she's so full of shit'—you would see that I don't have a perfect, "fat-free body." In fact, I don't even know what that means. I have all kinds of "flaws" that, by industry standards, make me "imperfect." Here's what I do know: I'm healthy and I exercise. I also know that that is all I care about. I have a beautiful body, but it doesn't include a six pack. And, at some point, I will show you photos of what a normal-bodied, actress/writer, animal loving chick who's not super skinny looks like. Until then, take five.

Original article

[is-on-its-way]

Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more - 3 But is was merry. Very.

Post-Episode: s06e06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Part of the Scully is a human Series

———

She walked outside expecting to see Mulder pulling out or already gone. Her heart fluttered when she saw him standing by his car leaning on the door. Seemingly waiting for her. She walked across the lawn to him and dropped her bags in the grass. She stepped off the curb and leaned on the car next to him, still holding the bottle of whiskey. They stood silently for a while before Mulder spoke.

“If I was a smoking man I'd be having one right about now.”

“Mulder I’m sorry.” She turned her head to look up at him.

“Don’t worry about it Scully.” He looked back at her “Its not Christmas in the Mulder household without someone screaming about repressed emotions. It was like home. You’ll have to excuse me for leaving I didn’t want to ruin the rest of your very normal family’s night.”

“Were not normal. We’re Irish. I could tell you a ton of stories just like this.” She sighed.

Mulder laughed “Well I think getting into a fight with your brother would’ve ruined the night for everyone.”

She laughed for a split second but it turned to tears. Mulder put an arm around her and squeezed her close. She wiped her tears and shook her head trying to smile. 

He looked up at the stars. “You’re not responsible for Melissa’s death Scully.” He said quietly. “Krychek is, and I promise you one day, I’ll be there when he faces the consequences.”

Scully sighed and leaned into him.

“I left. Im going back with you.”

“No, you’re going to go back inside to work it out with your family.”

She pulled away and gave him a determined look. A look Mulder knew well and adored. “Mulder I’ve had enough of people telling me what I can and cant do for one night. Besides I told Bill I’m dead to him, I cant go back in there now.”

Mulder looked sheepish “I’m sorry Scully, I shouldn’t have come.” 

She put a hand on his cheek. “Mulder this isn’t your fault.  My brother takes after my father, he’s controlling and he thinks thats love.” She turned back to the car crossing her arms “But my dad was good-natured and cheery. Bill’s devoid of humour and has a mean streak like no other.”

Mulder played with a pebble in the road and nodded.

She pursed her lips and tilted her head.

“Drive to my place and I’ll make us some tea.” She held up the whiskey and Mulder laughed.

“We can watch a movie or I can tell you about the great Scully feud of ’83.” She didn’t want to let him alone after the things Bill had said. She didn’t want to be alone after the things Bill had said to her either.

Mulder smiled at this and looked up at the stars again. 

“I rented Die Hard” She said in a sign song voice.

He smiled at this and met her eyes. “The answer was going to be yes anyway.”

“Good” She said smirking. She gathered her things, went to her car and got in. 

She pulled up behind him and parked, he was leaning against his car again apple cake container on the trunk. She climbed out of her car and got all of her bags. 

She walked up to him a smile on her face

He said “Beat you” 

“I didn’t know we were in a race” she said playfully defensive.

He scooped up the apple cake.

“We’re always in a race” he smirked and took the bags from one side of her shoulders.

She laughed as they made their way inside. 

“This is incredible” Mulder said his mouth full. “I completely renounce apple pie.”

“It's good isn’t it.” Scully smiled taking a bite of the piece in her hand.  

They were sitting on her striped plush couch facing each other. Scully was cross legged, the bundt shaped cake between them a knife lying on the top. They had no plates and were eating with their hands.

“I hope your mom knows Ill be expecting one of these every Christmas.”

“Ill let her know” Scully smirked.

They washed the cake down with healthy pours of the whiskey. Mulder sipped. Scully downed hers in one. She drank whiskey like it was water, there was no trace of disgust on her face. It impressed and intrigued him. 

Mulder raised his eyebrows. She shrugged back.

“What” she said

Mulder shook his head, “You’re impressive thats all. Where’d you learn to drink whiskey like that?”

“I think it started with whiskey on our gums when we were teething.”

Mulder blinked

“Cradle to grave” she said pouring another glass and setting the bottle down on the coffee table.

Mulder couldn’t help but find this version of Scully extremely attractive. 

He finished his piece, put the cake on the coffee table, and put his knee up on the couch getting more comfortable.

“How was it growing up with that many cousins and siblings and aunts and uncles?”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t have much family growing up, I just want to know how you liked it I guess.”

“Well… it was a lot of fun. The was always someone to play with or to talk to, or someone coming over with food or games or something. I guess I never really thought about what it would be like not to have all that. Even when we moved to San Diego, there was always family coming to stay during summers, and school vacations.” 

He nodded “What’s you favorite childhood memory?”

Scully thought for a moment “The summer before we moved to San Diego. We all went to a beach in Maryland as a sort of farewell. I don’t even remember where, it had cabins and barbecues. The grown ups set up hammocks and a campsite, and everyone played in the water and spent the whole week in swimsuits. We ran through the woods playing cowboys and Indians and Missy, Corinne, Connie, and I teamed up against the boys.” She smiled fondly “At the end we went out on boats and watched the 4th of July fireworks on the bay as the sun set. 

“That sounds like heaven”

She nodded “A perfect summer memory. Whats you favorite childhood memory?” Scully faltered she hadn’t been thinking when she turned the question back around. Mulder hadn’t had the happy childhood she’d had, it had been marred by his sisters abduction.

Mulder saw her apprehension and said “Its okay, I do have happy memories from before Samantha was taken.” He looked off to his left, remembering. “She called me fennec when we weren’t fighting.” He smiled at the confusion on her face. “Because her favorite animal was the fennec fox, she’d seen one on some tv report about Algeria or something. She went to the library and checked out the one book they had on foxes and sent away for a poster."

Scully's eyebrows knit and she pressed her lips together in empathy. He looked at her quickly before continuing.

"We used to ride our bikes around the whole island in summer. We'd skip rocks in the ocean, and collect mussels, and sit on the bluffs and watch the sun rise. We had a tab at the local ice cream shop and we'd get some every day. She'd try every flavour by the end of every summer, but I just stuck to rocky road. I… That was when I was younger, I wasn’t so nice to her that last year, somehow she turned into my annoying little sister.” He looked down shamefaced.  

Scully said "Mulder" quietly.

“I was horrible to her. I was impatient and mean.” His voice grew husky with emotion and he blinked his eyes rapidly. “The last thing I said to her was…” he shook his head, he couldn’t say it out loud. ‘Get out of my life’ he’d told her. And then she had.

“You sound like me and Charlie. You know, you remind me of Charlie sometimes. He was always getting me into some sort of trouble.” She said fondly and the edges of Mulder’s lips turned upward against his sorrow. She put her hand over his resting on the back of the couch. “Thats not mean Mulder. You sound like any two brother and sister with a bit of an age gap. You just never got the chance to grow out of it and get close again. You don’t have it in you to be truly terrible.”

Mulder looked like he was having trouble believing her. She said "I mean it. You're a good person, Mulder." 

Mulder swallowed but didn't say anything. He didn't think he'd be able to if he tried. He settled for taking her hand from where it rested on his and giving her a squeeze.

Scully’s face fell slightly, pensive, then she said. “Bill liked to torture all of us, me especially. I think because he could tell I was our fathers favorite. He’d take pleasure in seeing me cry, he’d shove me to the ground any chance he got, and throw things at me." she gave a hallow laugh. "but only when we were playing in the woods, away from our parents.” 

“He sounds like a great guy” Mulder said grimacing.

“I never tattled on him. I knew our dad would punish him for touching a girl. And I was one of the boys.” she said the last bit with a sarcastic smile.

Mulder squeezed her hand again.

She looked down and whispered “Do you know once I got this bunny from the yard. I spent days making friends with him, he’d hop right up to me. I called him Hops. One day it was raining and he hopped up to me soaking wet. So I bought him up to my room. Bill found out and was so enraged I had him.”

“But why?” Mulder asked enthralled.

“He… I don’t know” She looked ashamed. “He told me he’d cook him and turn him into stew and I’d seen him kill animals before, I knew he'd do it if he got the chance, so I hid him. I put him in my lunchbox and gave him water and a paper towel and I told him I’d be back to get him in a little while.”

“Oh no.” Mulder said looking stricken

She looked up at him chin quivering “Well I went back the next day. He was dead by then, suffocated.” Scully had tears streaming down her cheeks. Dripping on her collar bones. 

“It had been a heat wave.” She whispered “I can still remember the smell.”

Mulder stroked her arm. 

“That wasn’t your fault.” He said gently

“I guess I know that now, but I spent so many years after that praying for forgiveness. Knowing I was going to go to hell for it.” She took a deep steadying breath and shook her head “He’s always been horrible and Ive always excused it and forgiven without question. Always.” She looked at him with devastation on her face and whispered “Why did I do that?”

“He’s family." Mulder said gently. "It's hard when your family lets you down, you know what they’re supposed to be to you. Kind. Loving. A safe place to land when the world beats you up. So you see that idea of them, instead of what they actually are, because if you acknowledge the pain they cause…” He shook his head.

Scully nodded. “Yeah, thats it exactly.” She had an inkling he was speaking from personal experience. 

She let go of his hand and leaned into him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

She breathed a long sigh “Thank you for coming here Mulder” she said quietly

He was lost in thought. Of his parents and his childhood and his sister and Scully’s family and her childhood. 

A while later he asked “Do you want to watch that movie now?”

Mulder looked down, she was asleep, mouth slightly parted. He chuckled softly. He loved this Scully. This wild out of control version of her that sometimes reared its head. She was a sight to behold when she was indignant and offended. When she let her guard down. She was normally so exquisitely controlled and sensible. He loved that about her as well. 

He slid his other arm under her thighs and picked her up easily. she slept on, as he carried her to her bed. he placed her down and with trouble took her shoes off. He got her under the covers with some difficulty, pulling them out from under her. She turned over and muttered 

“Don’t make the fish drink the whiskey.” 

He chuckled again, they were going to be so hungover tomorrow. He returned to the living room. He was too drunk now to drive home. He flipped on the tv and played the movie. Wrapping himself up in a crocheted blanket.

[deathly-toxins]

"Huh... Still, I will admit, it IS kind of nice to know that what me and Daki do isn't 'abnormal'." The whole remaining so close as siblings even in demon-hood thing. But to hear that Muzan-sama was doing this whole shared rank with them as something new? Well, he felt a bit of Pride at that! A testing field for something going forward.

Though Gyutaro found him doing something he didn't often do, simply.. listening. Well to anyone other than his own sister. Sure, he could sit for hours, braiding or brushing Daki's hair while she went on and on about every bit of gossip she over heard, or something she saw in a shop window that she wanted to try on.

They'd established themselves well in an orian house and because of such, they'd started actually having money to their name. Making up for what had fallen through their hands before their human lives went to shit.

But to hear one of their own brothers was struggling with the whole 'hunt and eating' part of being a demon, made him a bit relieved. He was sure Daki would come around to it eventually, she was strong willed and always wanted to prove herself, so the drive was there. There was just a bit of mental gymnastics to get around.

But.. hearing that this other demon had taken an interest in them now? He was.. baffled. He..

He wasn't used to anyone wanting to look after him. Sure, Daki did on occasion, she felt that she had to support him as the little sister just as he supported her. But this was someone they'd only just come to meet. Someone high up in the ranks that they never even thought they'd get to even speak to in the Lower Moons.

They were at the very lowest rung.

Yet here he was, sitting next to one of the higher ranked demons, just.. talking. It was a weird feeling. But he couldn't help but chuckle as his shoulders slumped, relaxing into the conversation.

"I'm honestly hoping they do fade on their own, replaced with good memories. Mine and Daki's life was shit before any of this. Becoming demons was the best thing we've ever done." Even if he was the one to do so willingly, while Daki? It was to save her life...

But he looked out toward the beach itself.

"I'm.. I'm fine just loookin' at it. Maybe another time." He rather experience it with his sister. She'd like something like this, he just knew it.

But he almost froze as she took his hand in hers, eyes wide. He just.. stared at Astra, not sure what to do in the moment. His sister did this to him when his mind whirled into a dark place. Where his anxiety would get the better of him. She usually grabbed his hands in hers, or his face. Depending on if he was sitting down or not.

Though that silence broke with the ruffle of his hair.

"OI!" He yelped, almost lightly shoving her hand away as his grin returned, a chuckle. Damn it, first Douma was doing that to him.. now this one!

"Hades and Atreus, that makes you.. Astra right? I saw all of you during the blood battle, talk about intimidating seeing you all watch the fight." He looked at her curiously, as if trying to make sure he could place and remember the name to her face.

"Heh.. damn. It's just been me and Daki, our mother was.. well.. bad. Really bad. Abusive, drank, all that shit. Didn't even so much as look at her after she was born. Pretty much scorned my existence..." He stared out at the beach itself.

"I raised her, taught her everything she knows. From her manners, to etiquette... As much as I wish we had a better upbringing and that I could do more, I'd never change a single bit of the time I've been with her." And will continue to be with her.

"Yeah.. she.. fought back against some washed up samurai who tried to get her attention by constantly insulting me. Stabbed him in the eye, but.. that got her in trouble. They burned her alive for it." He grumbled, one hand scratching at his forearm. A habit of his...

"So I killed the samurai who caused it all..." Then Douma found them, and the rest was history.

"Yeah.. we're.. still figuring that all out. The Temple is.. okay and all? But, we want to find our own place." Daki had a few ideas, a way to work the system they used to slave away in. They had the power too really take back what they were owed now. And they had their eyes set on Yoshiwara.

"And now that we're part of the moons, I don't think we're gonna stop here." A grin pulled at his lips.

"I wanna make sure no one can pick on my sister ever again.. so we're gonna try to climb as high as we can." A glint of determination in his eyes.

[ ― ❝By all technicalities, we don't share ranks like you both do,❞ she said, ❝That's a rather new thing that Muzan-sama's trying out.❞ There was a somewhat-fond smile on her face. ❝But yes, there are. One is by blood and the other by choice, but they're just the same to me. I care for them the very same. My life taught me that family isn't necessarily the people that you were born with, but with those that you choose to spend your time around.❞

She paused for a moment.

❝Atreus had that problem, too. Hades was turned about a year before me, and then there was an incident where I was turned, and then we came back to Japan and Atreus was turned not too long after that. Atreus was a pacifist. He had trouble with the 'hunt and kill' aspect of being a demon... and he still does.❞ Of which, Astra or Hades took care of that little problem for him -- ❝But more and more often, he's adjusting. I have a feeling it'll be that way for Daki. She's a smart demon. Very keen. She'll catch on quickly. And I'll be looking out for her, too. I don't usually meddle in the lower ranks but after the last few, I'm becoming increasingly hands-on with them.❞

❝And that includes you, as well.❞

And then --

❝... They'll fade as the years go on, but if they were particularly traumatic, they're likely to stay for a very long time. Unless, of course, you have perfect recall. ❞ Like her. She would never escape her own, no matter how hard she tried. It was a trait she shared with Atreus...

❝The beach always calmed me. Nakime's blood art is truly that -- a work of art. It's nighttime, if you would like to step out for a little while, but if you would rather stay inside, we can do that, too.❞

There it was.

A nightmare.

And the fear associated with it.

She gently reached out and took his hand in both of hers.

❝You are a demon, now. And a moon demon, at that.❞ She reminded him. ❝The streets are no place for you. They've never been, and will never be. That period of your life is over and you're safe, now. Daki is safe, now. We're demons. I can't promise that things will be perfect, but I can promise that you both have a better chance at having a much better life. A lot of us...❞

❝Are rather like you and her.❞

They were hurt, betrayed, nearly killed by their parents, or their 'family'.

She let go of his hand, and on impulse she reached up and ruffled his hair. ❝Mine and Atreus' Mother wasn't exactly Mother material. She-- and my Uncles, tried to sell me, and I fought back, and ended up in a very bad situation. I suffered for years over it.❞ That was the easiest way to explain it. ❝Hades and I stumbled in to each other, and we ended up leaving, and then we returned for Atreus. Which was how we ended up in Japan.❞ If anything, that explained her strange accent.

❝Family has a bad connotation to a lot of demons, but I would like to say I've found mine. From now on... you don't have to suffer under someone else's roof or control.❞ She couldn't imagine what it was like... living with Douma. ❝For the most part... you're free to do as you wish, and live how you want without anyone looking at you too much. Muzan-sama always has things for us to do, of course, but I don't think they're anything too bad. I've dealt with worse.❞ And worse... was very awful.

❝The worse is over, now. You're free. You can live how you like. It was that way before, of course, but the only ones that can actually bother you are the demon moons. But you'll move up quickly. I can see that now.❞ ― ]

[creativeashproductions]

Proceed With Caution // Evan Buckley

IN WHICH: The reader doesn’t expect to become involved in a hostage situation with her fiance’s older sister, the older sister’s best friend and the best friend’s date from hell. With the addition of a SWAT member, how will the taking of dispatch change?

Warnings: Swearing, blood, threats, angst, guns, hostage/kidnapping

Words: 5.9k

A/N: Recently got into the tv show 9-1-1 and completely fell in love with Buck so here I am writing for him as well. This takes place during the season three episode ‘The Taking of Dispatch 9-1-1’. Reader and Buck are already in an established relationship.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

The apartment was quiet as the sound of your keys clattered in the bowl on the countertop. It was pretty early in the morning, so you had no doubts that Buck would be just waking up. On his days off, he would use the first day to catch up on sleep; based on prior times, he would be up in half an hour.

“Buck?” You called out from the kitchen. You heard a groan from the loft where Buck was in the process of waking up, “I forgot to drop off that book Maddie wants to borrow. When I get back, do you want to get breakfast?”

A grumble you somehow translated to approval was what you received in response. You jogged up the stairs to the loft to grab the book from your bookshelf. Buck’s bare leg stretched out from underneath the comforter on your side. The soft sighs Buck made in his sleepy state tugged at your heart; the sighs grew louder when you bent to kiss his head.

“See you in a bit.” You whispered to the sleepy soft male. He sleepily grinned in response before curling into your pillow.

The sound of your footsteps softened on the steps back to the main level of the apartment. Your keys snagged from the bowl before you gently closed the door behind you. The sun was gorgeous to be awake to see and had Buck not worked a long shift, you’d have adored watching it with him.

Your car pulled out of the parking spot in the Los Angeles Service Center’s direction that Maddie worked at. Your lips quirked as the radio spewed out the station that Christopher listened to in the car. You could even pick up the book in the backseat where he called his spot. The book could be found in Buck’s Jeep as well.

It had maybe three days since you’d seen the young Diaz, and damn did you miss the kid. Christopher has his enigmatic quality that demanded you love him for all that made him simply Christopher. The second you’d met him, you knew he would mean a lot to you.

You hummed in time with the song that was currently Christopher’s absolute favourite. Slowly you went from humming to singing along when the light turned green. A handful of songs came and went on the admittedly long drive due to traffic.

It was about forty minutes after leaving your apartment that you parked next to Maddie’s car in the parking lot. Lucy was sitting at the front office with a grin you matched. The woman buzzed you before she clocked out with her reprieve Jake.

“Hey, Sue!” You grinned at the older redhead. Sue had absolutely no problem seeing you, given that you were welcome in the building.

Sue’s first interaction was when you came to the centre to pick up Maddie when she came to work sick. Maddie had managed to keep it under wraps for an hour before Sue caught on. Ever since, Sue was fond of asking Maddie about her brother and you.

“Maddie’s not in just yet.” Sue spoke with a kind smile, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to meet with one of our sit alongs.”

You nodded towards her while beelining for the woman’s bathroom, hoping to catch Maddie after using it. You’d drank too much water on your run earlier this morning. Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate in the time you’d entered the bathroom, several things happened. Lucy ended her shift, Jake started his shift, and a group of strangers entered the building.

Your hand went to push open the door when through the crack, you saw two men you’d never seen before. Years of your job gave you enough feeling to know that something wasn’t right. That being said, you eased the door closed and attempted to find a hiding spot.

The garbage was too narrow and had no lid. The few seconds you had left, you glanced up. The ceiling hadn’t been renovated in many years. Rectangular sheets could be raised. Thankful of the rock climbing lessons you’d done with Maddie, you managed to crawl into the ceiling just as the two men entered.

“Nobody’s here.” The one-man with his head as pale and shiny as a cue ball. He gave off the most creepy vibe; the shorter Hispanic man wasn’t as violent looking, “Kinda hoping someone tries something. I’ve wanted to try out this.”

The man waved the large gun in his hand with a sick smile that twisted your stomach. That was the moment you’d realized something was very wrong. The second they left, you gently dropped back on the ground. Your first instinct was to send a message to Athena, but there was a fatal flaw. You’d expected to be in and out of the building quickly, so you’d left your phone in the car.

“Fuck.” You swore. One hand roughly running over your forehead as you contemplated figuring out a plan.

The building had many cameras throughout that you knew the blindspots for. The year after high school and during the summers, you’d worked in the building. Despite having worked here when you were younger, it was never during Sue’s shift. Over the years, you’d come to know the blind spots and a few cameras that were decoys. You even remembered Maddie and her friend Josh complaining about three cameras not fixed yet.

“Think.” You breathed, making a pattern of pacing, “They’ll need a lookout. They’ll take out the security guard first. The front doors are out. It’s a team, so they’ll also need eyes on the building. Terry is definitely a hostage.”

Of course, you’d end up in a volatile situation during the first half of your day before your shift started. The only comforting thing about the situation was the holstered gun on your hip and the badge on your belt. Maybe you should backtrack to why you had a gun and badge; you were an LAPD member, specifically SWAT.

“The changeroom.” You breathed, recalling it was down the hall with no camera. All you needed to do was pretend to be a dispatcher. The changeroom, now mostly a file room, had a few extra maroon and blue uniform shirts.

You timed it. The man holding Sue’s tablet was in the process of talking with his cohort, so you dashed to the room. You took no time in changing into a loose maroon shirt with your thick sweater overtop to hide the gun in the small of your back.

Your holster, badge and personal shirt tucked in the bottom of a box for safekeeping. As soon as you saw your entry, you sat with the group of hostages a hall over. A few looked surprised but let it go when you raised one finger to your lips.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” Maddie hissed from the other side of a startled Josh. Both of them were surprised at seeing you here, “Oh my god. Buck is going to kill me.”

“I was dropping off your book before I get breakfast with Buck, but it appears my small bladder saved my life.” You snarked with your eyes scanning the room, “What’s going on?”

“That is my date from hell, Greg.” Josh inconspicuously pointed towards the man, clearly giving orders. The anger flared inside you, “You need to get out.”

“Josh, no offence, but I’m an officer with the LAPD. I work with SWAT. I’m your best bet of making it out alive.” You informed the dispatch duo, who went still as Cue Ball patrolled the hallway with a sadistic glint in his eyes.

“They took control of the building for a reason we don’t know about. We’re still working but under strict monitoring. They said it will be an hour, but we’ve seen their faces.”

“No witnesses.” You finished for Maddie with a deep sigh, “Unfortunately I left my phone in the car. Did they take yours-”

“They took Linda’s EpiPen. Of course, we don’t have phones.” Maddie sighed, leaning back to rest her head against the wall. Not even having a SWAT member by her side was comforting; your badge put a more significant target on you.

“We have to warn someone.” Josh mumbled to both Maddie and you, “You’re on shift Y/N?”

“Not for a few hours. I was supposed to drop off the book and get breakfast with Buck before my shift. This was supposed to be five minutes tops, so I left my phone in my car.”

“I already did.” Maddie spoke with a sad look on her face that overtook the fear, “I just hope he gets the message.”

Your hand reached out to squeeze the woman you’d had a hand in raising Buck more than their parents. Maddie had become family when you first started dating Buck. The in-law part of her familial relationship to you never crossed your minds; you were simply sisters to each other.

“Who?”

“Chim. I told him I loved him.” Maddie finished with a teary gaze. It made you sick seeing that look again after Doug.

You remembered seeing that haunted look when she stumbled out of the thicker woods covered in blood. You’d stayed by Athena’s side when Buck clutched her so tight and sobbed with her. It had been before you’d become serious with the man, but it was that frightening day that Buck fell for you. You’d just finished a taxing shift with your team when you heard about Maddie was missing, and Chim was in the hospital. You’d ignored the exhaustion to search high and low through your work contacts before narrowing the search area.

“Good thing Chimney obsesses over the little things.” You spoke, slouching down against the wall, “We’ll get throu-”

“Don’t do anything stupid.” Maddie warned you with her brows furrowed together, and you saw what she was doing. Despite your years of experience and the gun you had, she pushed her fear down behind the concern that a big sister shows her young siblings.

“I won’t.”

At 8am, Buck was just entering the apartment building from grabbing the mail addressed to both you and him when Chim had called.

“Yup, go for Buck.” Buck spoke, opening the door to the apartment he’d only temporarily left. His morning had been late after his long shift the night before. The most productive thing was dressing for his breakfast date with you and grabbing the mail.

“How come 9-1-1 doesn’t respond when I call?” Chimney questioned the younger, now confused male.

“Uh, is that some kind of riddle? Like who watches the watchmen?” Buck asked, closing the door behind him. His eyes scanned around for any indication you’d returned home, but the bowl was vacant of your keys.

“Neither of those things are riddles. Okay, I just tried calling 9-1-1, and I got the high call volume message. Did I miss an earthquake or something?”

“Nope, pretty chill morning.” Buck responded as he closed the fridge door with a bottle of water in hand. The entire conversation wasn’t concerning to him, given that Chimney was often like this.

“Where’s Y/N? She’s the police she’ll know-”

“She’s not home right now. Wait, why are you calling 9-1-1? Is everything okay?” Buck slowly asked with his brows coming together. The sigh of frustration from Chimney was answer enough.

“Your sister said that she loved me.”

“Yeah. Wasn’t that uh, the whole point in that big date you had last night?” Buck inquired on his way to the table. He had a feeling this was going to be a long conversation that would hopefully pass the time until you got home.

“You declare your love, and she declares hers? That’s how it went with Y/N and me.”

“Yeah, I know, okay, but she didn’t, all right? At least not last night. Look, she made this big deal saying that she couldn’t say those words, and then this morning, she blurts them out and hangs up on me.” Chimney speaks, pacing in his own apartment. The side by the side of Chimney and Buck’s separate apartments told different tales of their states.

“It’s still not quite sounding like an emergency.”

“’Cause I sound insane.” Chimney spoke, staring up at the ceiling with a battle in his mind. He wants Buck to talk him out of this, but he also wants Buck to agree with him, “She’s at the call centre. What could happen there? You know what, forget it, I’ll try Y/N again.”

“Again?” Buck questioned just as his co-worker ended the call. Buck tugged his phone away from his ear to stare at it confused.

You always answered the phone if you weren’t working at the moment, but given you still had hours, he found it unsettling. After seeing the news report with the ladder truck on top of him, calls weren’t ignored between you two. That feeling of concern grew when you didn’t answer his call either. Nor the second one.

“Nah, she’s probably talking with Maddie.” Buck spoke, but that second-guessing feeling didn’t dissipate. 

In the call centre, you’d been marched to one of the stations with a deep hope that you’d remember everything. It had been years by then since you’d worked as a dispatcher. It didn’t help with the gunmen patrolling the room.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” You calmly questioned the caller.

“Hi, my cat is up the tree by my house. Could you send someone?”

“Can I get your name?” You went through the motions of getting her name and address before you informed the woman, “Okay, the LAFD and LAPD no longer respond to calls of cats in trees. The cat will make its way down on its own. If the tree is in your backyard, I’d use the time to garden or read a book on this beautiful day.”

“Oh, thank you. I’m sorry for taking up your time.”

“It’s no problem. Having a wonderful day Susan.”

In no time at all, you’d been rotated into the board room away from Josh and Maddie. It gave you time to inspect everyone you hadn’t made contact with yet. No one appeared harmed other than in distress with the situation.

“Downtown. They don’t want anyone downtown.” Linda whispered as Maddie was guided onto the floor by the elbow. You’d only gathered her name from her near-silent introduction to you when the hired guns had been far from your area.

“Let’s go.” Greg snapped, roughly pushing you towards the conference room. Something deep in your gut already predicted that someone was going to be stupid.

It was your sharp eyesight catching the minuscule agitation in Greg’s interactions with the Cue Ball guy. The slight tightening of his grip on the gun, the tension in the room growing stifling. And everyone knows that when emotions run high stupid things happen.

“Why do they keep moving us around like this?” The man beside Maddie questioned. He was definitely the most shaken of the group. He was basically shaking like a chihuahua.

“To disorient us.” Maddie spoke, staring at the group monitoring the dispatchers currently in play. Her eyes refused to leave them.

“So, we can’t make a plan.” You finished for your sister-in-law. Objectively out of everyone, Maddie, Sue and you were the most collected individuals for various reasons.

Maddie had lived in a volatile house with a man that could be unpredictable if a situation called for it in his mind. Sue had been working in the centre for years to navigate the emergency while you walked into dangerous situations.

“Jamal.” The shaking man spoke, holding his hand out towards you, “Are you new?”

“No.” You spoke as you shook his hand, “I’m Y/N. Maddie’s sister-in-law. I’m filling in as a favour for Sue.”

The lie slipped off your lips a little too quickly. You decided to come to this hostage situation as if you were undercover. It meant having to ignore that Maddie was in the situation with you.  

“Worst day for a favour.” Jamal snorted with his eyes pinned on one of the armed men holding all your lives in their hands. You’d have spoken, but Jamal checked out mentally from the conversation waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The shoe dropped when the IT Specialist announced numbly, “Jake’s dead. They shot him.”

It didn’t matter how long you’d been working for the LAPD, any death, whether it was a civilian or a criminal, it was still was startling. Jake, the security guard that alternated shifts with Lucy, wasn’t someone you spoke with. He was on shift when you weren’t here or just missed the shift change.

“We need to get a message out.” Jamal spoke, glancing at the only people in the right state of mind, and those were Maddie, Josh and you. Terry had seen the violence these men had no issues with.

“I did.” Josh breathed, thinking of the arguably cute security guard he sometimes liked to stare at, “A woman called about onions in an omelette. I dispatched an officer.”

“To the restaurant?” Maddie inquired with her pinkie connected with yours for comfort. Both of you would prefer your SO’s hand instead.

“Not exactly.” Josh replied, staring at his best friend with a glimpse of hope in his brown eyes.

Hope may be the only way you could get out of this without hurting anyone in your admittedly surface level plan.

“Buck will think something is up.” You added 

Buck had begun pacing the kitchen of the apartment with Chim adamantly telling his friend his plan to go to the centre. Buck had joined Chimney in the concerned department when you had failed to return to the apartment, return calls and to make matters worse, so was Maddie. His texts had gone unanswered as well, not even having the read receipt on.

“She’s not picking up either. I tried Y/N and Josh, but neither replied. When I tried Maddie and Josh, it went straight to voicemail.”

“Now, I’m definitely going.” Chimney announced, shoving his wallet into his pocket just as someone began knocking on his door.

“What if something is wrong? I know Y/N is a member of SWAT but radio silence? No text to let me know she was called in early?” Buck thought aloud with his finger dragging along his thigh, “Maybe we should call the police.”

“I...think someone already did.” Chimney informed Buck as he stared at the sudden appearance of Sergeant Athena Grant at his door.

“What? What do you mean?” Buck hastily questioned, leaning against the kitchen island. He could just faintly hear Athena speaking on Chimney’s end of the phone, “Chimney? What’s going on?”

“Athena was sent to my apartment. Hang on, Buck, I’m just gonna tell Athena what’s going on.”

Buck stepped away from the island to settle on the stairs to the loft, impatiently waiting for Chimney to finish speaking. That fear of losing pieces of his life expanded deep in his gut, just like the times Maddie left in his childhood. That fear of being left behind.

“What’s she’s saying now?”

“She’s making her case.” Chim whispered as he continued to eavesdrop on Athena’s call with her higher-ups, “Now she’s folding like a cheap suit.”

“All right, let me talk to Athena.” Buck demanded antsy to figure out the situation that clearly had something wrong. That fear he’d thought of early flared catching the tail end of Athena’s conversation, “No! No, no. We can’t just send in SWAT. If there is someone inside the call centre doing something, they’ll know we’re onto them.”

Unfortunately, Buck was correct in this thought process, all thanks to living with a SWAT member. He knew these things after the years he’d been with you.

“Maddie? I think I can sneak up to Terry’s computer. Maybe get eyes on the place-”

“No!” Terry nearly shouted, stiffening when Cue Ball hesitated in the doorway at his sudden shouts. You all held your breath for his reaction, but thankfully he was called away by one of the men, “They have-”

“Terry, I need you to calm down. I’m familiar with these types of situations. I’m SWAT. I need to get on top of this. Don’t be a hero.”

Maddie’s head began to shake when your arm was roughly grabbed by Greg, “Your turn.”

You were separated from Josh and Maddie, but instead of being pushed into one of the dispatcher seats, you were pulled to the original hallway.

“I don’t like how friendly you are with them.” Greg spat, shoving you to rest against the wall, “Don’t move.” 

You catch the eyes of Maddie with an apologetic expression before you used the pacing routine to sneak away. You didn’t release your breath until you were attaching your holder to your hip in the change room. By now, your team would be aware that something was wrong, Hondo would be hell-bent on finding you.

Until you had help, you were on your own.

You used each blindspot of the cameras in the halls to the stairwell, and you used a broom to adjust the cameras. The cameras not kept you from view but not appearing suspicious. Once at the floor where Terry was practically always at you softly closed the door. 

You’d only started to sit down when you heard the ding of the elevator, “Shit.”

You slipped into the closest containing extra parts if anything broke. Through the crack, you saw Terry being held at gunpoint. The gunman that had been holding the tablet on the floor, Ellis as you’d heard.

“You’re telling me every cop in the city has just disappeared?” Ellis demanded as Terry, and he disappeared around one of the corners. The tapping of a screen indicating Ellis was searching for something with Terry’s involuntary help.

“I’m telling you, I don’t know!” Terry snapped back, creating even more tension in the room, but Ellis didn’t move to grab his gun.

Ellis appeared to the only one reluctant to discharge your weapon, unlike Cue Ball, who just happened to join the party.

“Figure it out!” Ellis spat, turning on his heel at the sound of approaching footsteps. You could see him roll his eyes at his team member walking into the room.

“What’s going on here?” Cue ball questioned the duo in different kinds of distress, and you swore Cue Ball enjoyed the intimidation from his teammate and the IT specialist.

“That police car’s not the only one that’s gone dark.” Ellis nervously spoke, stiffening for the volatile reaction that one could expect from Foster.

“You think they know we’re here?” 

“Foster, it could be a system glitch.” Ellis offered keeping one eye on Cue Ball while monitoring Terry’s work as well.

Cue Ball spoke a sentence that sent chills up your spine, “Time to cut our losses.”

As Foster and Ellis began going over their personal plans made out of Greg’s knowledge, you noticed Terry glance over. His eyes widened slightly before quickly looking away when you raised a finger across your lips.

“We can go down the back stairs. I have a car waiting around the corner, we split the art up between the five of us, and we go our separate ways.” Foster spoke, revealing his plan to double-cross Greg, which in all honesty made sense. Greg was ill-fitting to be in charge of their operation, unable to control his lackeys.

“I like that part of the deal.” Ellis breathed, skirting around the trigger happy criminal only to halt in his steps, “Wait, you’ve got a car parked down the street? You were always gonna double-cross Greg.”

“You weren’t?”

“If we’re gonna do this, you can’t just sell famous works of art on eBay.”

“You can’t sell them from prison either.”

At that moment, something almost shifted in the area, something that made you pull your gun from your holster. Your body telling you something was about to happen. It happened in a split second. Foster fled the room leaving only Ellis just outside. With Terry frantically shaking his head, you tiptoed to the unsuspecting criminal.

“LAPD!” You shouted, pointing your gun towards the shocked man, “Put the gun down and put your hands up.”

“Aren’t you a dispatcher?” Ellis questioned, blinking in surprise.

“Aren’t you supposed to be intelligent? Next time check the schedule I haven’t worked here in years.” You spat, keeping your gun pointed on him, “Do I say-”

The sound of two guns going off made Terry flinch and scream as he instinctively dropped to the ground. IT was supposed to be safe, but Terry had now heard three gunshots in under two hours. He really didn’t want to see the outcome of the shots.

A moan coaxed Terry to peek out through the privacy glass. Ellis was on the ground while you kept your gun on him. He didn’t see anything else when the power went out. He didn’t see you drop to your knees, but he heard you.

“Terry...get down. Lay on your stomach with your hands insight, and don’t move.” You informed the terrified IT just as the floor was swarmed.

“Put the gun down!” The sound of Tan’s voice was welcoming as you slowly placed the gun on the ground. “25-David I have Y/L/N. The suspect is down, need medical.”

You got back to your feet when Tan nodded his head, “Thank god. There’s a possible body in the IT room along with the It Specialist Terry.”

“You got your badge on you?” Tan questioned as he cuffed the moaning Ellis up, “Street can you escort her down?”

Street nodded from his position, watching Tan’s back before guiding you to the stairs with hawk eyes. Even off duty, you kept your head on a swivel.

“You caused quite the commotion.” Street spoke halfway down the stairs when you barely mumbled. He caught you as you went down like a sack of potatoes, “Y/N!”

“Adrenaline is crashing.” You moaned, looking at your shoulder where the maroon had grown darker, “I think he shot me.”

“26-David I’m in the stairway. Prepare a medic.” Street spoke into his radio before he strapped the gun away and swept you into his arms, “Think you can have my back?”

“When don’t I?” You wheezed, with the sweat starting to bead on your forehead. As you crashed from adrenaline, you barely noticed being placed on the ground at the main entrance.

A paramedic cutting your borrowed shirt to reveal the bullet hole in your shoulder courtesy of Ellis, the only member who’d thought wouldn’t shoot his gun. You could vaguely hear Maddie calling out your name as you were loaded onto a gurney.

“M-Maddie?” You spoke, tilting your head to see Chris holding Maddie back from, “Chris! That’s my sister in law.”

Chris only let Maddie go when Hondo gave the all-clear, and you were so thankful when Maddie’s hand encased yours.

“Don’t close your eyes.” Maddie pleaded sick with the amount of blood on your skin and soaking through the gauze, “Who’s gonna help me put up with my little brother?”

“Buck.” You breathed sluggishly, blinking as the artificial lights changed to natural with the gun shining through the glass front doors.

“You didn’t let me close mine in that ambulance, so I need you to do the same. Don’t close them. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” Maddie cried as an officer pulled her aside as you were stopped. You wouldn’t remember it, but Maddie had to watch as you coded right in front of her.

Maddie had to watch them perform CPR on you and fight for a pulse. She had to think of how’d she’d tell her little brother she’d killed his fiance. The counting of the paramedics sounded as if underwater, and as they did, the world went quiet. Her mind checked out as the trauma settled in.

Maddie stumbled out of the building into a zoo of officers, medics, and news reporters almost robotically. She barely felt Chimney hug her, but she wrapped her arms around him and sobbed.

“It’s all my fault.” Maddie gasped, collapsing against him, “If I had-”

“Maddie?”

Chimney felt Maddie stiffen at the sound of Buck’s voice amidst the multiple voices milling around. Maddie raised her gaze to meet Buck’s blue eyes dripping in relief and question.

“Buck.”

“Maddie, where’s Y/N? Her car…” Buck trailed off, catching the utter heartbreak in his big sister’s eyes. A look he’d come to know in his line of work as a firefighter. The utter devastation that came with watching someone you love die, “No. No.”

“I got a pulse!” Came from the nearest ambulance, and Buck skirted around his sister and Chimney, “Ready to transport!” 

Your eyes slowly blinked at the white ceiling of the ambulance with pain in your midsection courtesy of chest compressions. Breathing came painful, and the bullet wound throbbed, but it all faded when you saw blue eyes above you.

“Buck.” You sobbed, more like groaned, as he was urged to sit on the bench holding your hand, “Maddie?”

“She’s okay. Chim’s got her. Can you keep your eyes on me? I need to see those big beautiful e/c eyes.” Buck soothed, bringing your hand to his lips, “Did I ever tell you my favourite colour?”

Despite Buck’s best attempts, you continued fading in and out of consciousness but continued to be stable. He spoke about the funny video Eddie had shown him of Christopher at the end of their shift last night. He talked about everything and anything under the sun during the short ride to the hospital.

The last thing you saw was Buck being held back as the paramedics pushed the gurney into the ER. Everything turned black.

The beeping was the first thing you heard before your eyes fluttered open to a stark white room and that unmistakable hospital scent. You noticed the second thing as Buck holding your hand in both of his with his forehead pressed against them.

“Buck?” You moaned to the one person you had wished to see. The man whose eyes were bloodshot from crying, “What’s wrong?”

“Your heart stopped beating twice. I thought I was gonna lose you.” Buck cried with his lips pressed against your hand, “I was so worried.”

“Hey. I’m fine. I’m here.” You cooed, tugging one hand away to run through his messy hair with a soft smile. His blue eyes brighten at the familiar feeling of your digits in his hair, “I’m not going anywhere. This isn’t here for decoration.”

His eyes found the ring he’d gently placed back on your finger from when the nurses had removed it. It only left your finger when you were on duty, in which it was slung on a necklace hidden under your uniform.

“Better not be.”

“Does the hospital have a chapel?” You questioned out of the blue leading to Buck snorting as you giggled, “I’m serious. When I was bleeding in that building, all I could think about was you. If Maddie is anything like you, she’s waiting in the waiting room with Chimney.”

“You aren’t wrong. All the chairs are taken. Our family was waiting for you to wake up.” Buck breathed, leaning closer to press a sweet kiss to your lips, “Are you sure?”

“About marrying you?” You softly questioned the man who couldn’t help but believe this was a dream. How he’d somehow got the girl of his dreams to agree to marry his ass, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. All I want to share is your last name for the rest of my life. You are it for me, Evan Buckley. All the flaws you see are beautiful to me.”

“Only you would want to get married after being shot mere hours ago.” Buck chuckled with a sigh pulled from his pink lips, “I’ll get the doctor for you and find out if we can be married here.”

While you were checked out, Buck left the room to go back to the waiting room where the 118 and your co-workers waited. Everyone perked up at his appearance, Christopher asleep on Eddie’s lap.

“Is she okay?” Bobby questioned as the tension in the room grew more and more. It shattered into relief when Buck grinned.

“She’s sore as expected. She’s gonna catch some sleep, but she’d like to see Maddie.” Buck replied, pinning his gaze on his big sister with her curled into Chimney’s body. Her cheeks flooded with tears of absolute relief, “C’mon.”

The waiting room started emptying with Buck’s promise to keep everyone updated, but before Bobby could step away, Buck asked for him.

“Do you need a few days off?” Bobby questioned just as Buck came closer to the seasoned firefighter.

“No. But could you spare an hour?” The expression on Buck’s face was enough for Bobby not to ask any further questions. He simply followed Buck back towards your hospital room, where Maddie and Chim waited.

“What’s going on?” Bobby inquired, with the addition of the hospital assigned Priest holding the standard bible. Chimney could only shrug in response to whatever was going on.

“I know there have been times we haven’t seen eye to eye, but Bobby, you’re like a father to me. You gave me chance after chance when anyone else would have given up. You guided me on how to be a man. Y/N and I would like it if you’d be here for this.”

“Wait, are you getting married? What about the wedding?” Maddie spluttered, flicking her gaze between her brother and you. Her question surprised her boyfriend and Bobby.

“We’ll still have it. But I want to marry her without the pressure of our parents. Just a private ceremony with some of the people that mean the most to us.” Buck answered for the two of you, “Would you stay?”

“Of course.” Maddie softly spoke with a slideshow of memories playing in her mind of watching Buck grow up.

Watching Evan go through all kinds of injuries, all in the name of attention but never getting it the way he deserved it. She remembered giving him advice for asking out Donna and holding him when he was rejected. The little toddler with the impish grin somehow turned into an idiot in the hospital.

Maddie saw the man her little brother had turned into with the help of the 118 and you.

Buck’s fingers made quick work of buttoning his short-sleeve uniform with the sudden appearance of his friend.

“That’s new.” Eddie spoke from his opened locker holding his uniform and a picture of his family on the door. It was a picture of Christopher, Buck, you and Eddie from the zoo a couple months back.

Buck looked over at his best friend, “Hm?”

“The ring.” Eddie snorted dramatically, looking at the ring that had been living on his finger since he married you five days ago, “Did my invite get lost in the mail?”

“Nah, we just got married in the hospital. We’re still planning the wedding to appease both sides of our family. And I promised Christopher he could be in the wedding. With Y/N on medical leave, the planning will be faster. She’s going stir crazy after five days.” Buck finished tucking in the shirt into his work-issued pants. Lastly, he slid his ring onto the metal chain he had bought recently.

Like you did, he would wear it around his neck when working for safety reasons.

“I’m happy for you, man.” Eddie told his friend just as the bell rang, “You’ll have to tell me how you’re liking the married life.”

“But first, we have a job to do.” Buck supplied all the while jogging to suit up in his turnout gear with Hen and Chimney.

[helliontherapscallion]

Heya. I know that requests are closed and I totally respect if you ignore this because of that. Two hours ago my dog had a seizure and my mom and I are currently in the parking lot of the emergency vet waiting for an update. I’m normally “the rock” for my family (if that makes sense) when shit hits the fan, so I feel like I need to hide my panic so my mom doesn’t worry more. I claimed to need to use the restroom (there’s those portable bathrooms outside) but I’m actually just having a panic attack on a stairway nearby. Most of my friends are asleep or offline right now so I don’t have anyone to help ground me. I know my mom would, but she’s already dealing with enough. Your writing has never failed to calm me down or cheer me up, so I was wondering if you could maybe make headcannons or something about how texts or a quick phone call with the SBI would go and how they would help a teen friend who’s going through this situation.

I don’t want you to feel pressured to do this because of guilt or anything of the sort. I understand that requests are closed, but I thought it was worth shooting my shot. So it’s completely okay if you ignore this.

(A/N): I wrote this as fast as I could, so there might be a few mistakes here and there. I really hope your dog gets better soon and nothing major is wrong with them, I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts. If you wanna talk about it, my DMs are always open love <3

Warnings: mentions of dog seizures, vets, panic attacks

Your pleasant day had gone so wrong so fast 

You had a blast hanging out with your neighbor and childhood friend Techno and his brothers

You spent most of the day at the park hanging out and generally goofing around

That was until you received a phone call from your mother 

She was in a panic telling you to come home, telling you that there was something wrong with your dog

You quickly excused yourself by telling them that your mom wanted you home as soon as possible suddenly and ran home in tears when you were out of their line of sight

When you were running you could feel yourself being filled with dread

Your chest felt tight as you fought off a panic attack, you needed to be strong for your mom

You were her rock

It was only natural to comfort her, she helped you so much with your anxiety and panic attacks even when facing her own troubles and stress

So you did your best to stifle your panic

When you got home, you could hear the loud sobbing of your mother, the faint sound of heavy breathing, and rustling 

The sight in the living room broke your heart

Your beloved pet was on the floor having a violent seizure while your mother was looking on in horror

You quickly took action, moving the stuff around the dog away from it

The only thing you could do was wait it out, so you made quick work of comforting your mother

After the seizure, your dog was looking around confusedly and whining slightly 

He seemed very tired 

Doing some research, you found out that it was best to let the dog rest after such a seizure because it takes a lot of energy out of it

The nearest emergency vet was about ten minutes away so you picked up your dog and escorted your mom to the car

You drove to the vet, your mom was too distraught to drive

The vet immediately took him in and got to work, leaving you and your mom in the car waiting for an update on the pooch

She had calmed down for the most part, but you could still feel the panic brewing in your chest threatening you with a full blown panic attack

You held it off so you could be strong for your mother, but you were spiraling and fast

When it got to the point where you couldn’t hold it back anymore, you quickly excused yourself to the portable bathrooms

You ducked into an abandoned staircase and the panic attack quickly reared its ugly head

Your breaths came out in short hyperventilations, your chest feeling like an elephant was sat on it

You couldn’t breathe

When it got to the point where you were dry heaving, you knew that this one wasn’t one that you could calm yourself down from

You had to call someone

Your mom was immediately out of question, even if she would gladly help you

In your point of view, she had enough to worry about

Your best bet would be to call Techno

You had extreme difficulty finding his contact because your vision was tunneled and blurred and your hands were shaking, but you eventually found it

He and his brothers should still be at the park

You felt guilty for calling, but you knew you needed help and Techno and his brothers were your best bet

“Hey (y/n), uh is everything alright with your mom? You left in a hurry.” Techno saw his twin and Tommy look at him in question. He wove them off.

He was only met with heavy breathing and sobbing from your end, which worried him to no end. He knew damn well about your anxiety and panic attacks, in fact he was the one that encouraged you to open up to your mom about it and ask her for therapy sessions. He’s calmed you down from enough panic attacks to know exactly what to do to help you.

“Hey you’re alright,” he cooed to you in a soft voice, “take deep breaths. Where are you?” His brothers looked at him in alarm. They also knew about your panic attacks as you were basically like another sibling to them. Wilbur grabbed the car keys and the three made a dash towards the family car. 

“Techno…” Your breathless and strained whimper on the other end made his heart break for you. “Where are you?”

When you told him that you were at the nearby emergency vet, he could feel his heart sink. Your dog was growing older and older and his health was declining. That dog was with you two through thick and thin when your family got him in middle school. You were seniors in high school now, so that dog was old for his breed. 

“We’re on our way, just hang on tight buddy. What’re five things you can see?”

After you got through the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you still were in the midst of an intense panic attack and it worried Techno to no end. Usually you would be calmed down by now. Luckily, they arrived at the vet and quickly found a parking space. 

You could hear running coming towards you and looked up to see the brothers running towards you. Techno kneeled next to you and attempted to give you a smile, “we’re here. Is it okay for me to touch you?” At your nod, he grabbed your hand and put it on his chest. “Breathe with me, okay? Do you think you can do that for me?” You didn’t respond to him. Your hazy eyes darted to his face when he gently called your name and asked you again. You nodded making him smile at you, “good, we’re gonna do the 4-7-8 breathing technique,” he told you softly, “do you remember that? You breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold it for seven, and exhale slowly through your mouth for eight. I’ll do it with you,” he took in a deep breath through his nose and you tried to follow suit but failed. Your breathing was just too erratic. 

“Tech, I-I can’t. I…”

“Hey you can do this, I know you can. Let’s try again, it takes time to even out breathing.” He said something to his brothers you couldn’t hear and they ran off. “Deep breath in,” he breathed in and you tried to follow him, “hold,” you held in the breath for about two seconds, “and out,” the breath ripped itself from your lungs. “You’re doing so good, I’m proud of you (y/n).”

The breathing continued for a bit with you getting nowhere before you heard the boys return. They had a couple of ice cold water bottles in their hands. Techno let go of your hand and grabbed one of them. He turned to you with an encouraging smile, “okay, we’re gonna try something new. I’m gonna have you touch this, is that alright?”

You reached out with a shaky hand to touch the plastic and jolted slightly at the temperature, a gasp ripping itself from your lungs and your eyes focusing slightly better than before. “I’m gonna run this up and down your arms, focus on the feeling of the temperature and the feeling.” As he ran the bottle down your arms, you could feel your heart rate drop at the temperature and your heated skin cooling down. Your breathing eventually evens itself out leaving you panting and shakily reaching up to wipe at your tears. 

“Are you good now?” You nodded and leaned against the brick wall tiredly. An open water bottle was put into your hands. You drank it and relished in the feeling of the ice cold drink slithering down your throat. It even heightened your senses. 

Wilbur sat on your other side and slung an arm over your shoulders, giving you a side hug. Tommy sat across from you while Techno sat on your other side holding your hand, lazily rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. 

“Do you wanna talk about what caused this?” You nodded and told the three everything that happened today and why you were at an emergency vet. 

After you finished telling them, Wilbur turned to give you a full hug. Your face was against his chest, faintly you noted that he smelled like grass with hints of earth. “He’s gonna be alright. He’s a fighter, do you remember when he ate that bee?” You nodded, remembering that even if he was swollen, his tail was still wagging and he was as happy as he could be. He recovered quickly from that, never once losing his excited and loving personality. You thought about how even in the car he was licking away your mother’s tears and nuzzling into your hand even though he was exhausted. 

“That dog has lived through so much health shit,” Tommy chimed in, “a seizure isn’t gonna take him out anytime soon.” 

They stayed there for a while with you giving you reassurances and reminiscing on stories of him until you felt better 

Eventually you had to go back to the car to wait with your mother, so they left to go to their house

Your dog was returned to you and your mom with the instruction to give him some medicine and come back for further examination

They didn’t find the cause for the seizure, which bothered you but relieved you that he was alright

When you got home, it was late at night and you honestly felt so drained 

The next day, your dog was still slightly tired but he was slowly returning to his playful nature as the day progressed

When you were laying in the grass in the backyard with him reading a book, you saw Techno poke his head over the fence and smile at you. “Hey, how’s (dog name)?”

You ran your fingers through his fur as he slept peacefully, “he’s doing better. The vet still doesn’t know what’s going on with him, but he’s still himself.”

“We’re having some cookies and lemonade over here, do you wanna come over? (Dog name) can come too.”

“You’re more than welcome, (y/n)!” You could hear Philza’s voice chime out from their backyard. You got up and (dog name) followed you into their backyard slowly. They were sitting at the picnic table that was there since you and Techno were kids. The paint had long since chipped and faded with each year that passed. Tommy loudly cheered while Wilbur and Philza gave you gentle smiles as you walked next to Technoblade. 

You sat next to Techno and a glass of lemonade was placed in front of you. (Dog name) laid at your feet and resumed his nap. You grabbed a cookie and took a bite, humming at the taste of your favorite flavor dancing across your tongue. 

Being with the family was something that always made your worries fade away into nothingness and get replaced by lighthearted and refreshing happiness. You spent most of the day laughing with the family and petting your sleeping dog. Everything was going to be okay with them.

[godlygreta]

i never stopped loving you | j. kiszka

title | i never stopped loving you

summary | jake and y/n have known each other since grade school, they’ve been neighbors forever. a bit of romance ensues, but ends fairly quickly when complications arise while the boys are touring. a trip home from college ends in a slightly drunk confession.

warnings | some mature themes (bit of sex, but not explicitly), swearing, slight angst

word count | 2.5k+

author’s note | hi! this is the first thing i’ve written for any of the boys, so i hope you enjoy. i’ve written for other bands before, so writing isn’t new to me, but writing for greta is.

“I never stopped loving you.”

It slipped out. It didn’t mean to come out. Jake didn’t necessarily want it to come out. They say drunk words are sober thoughts, right? At the same time, who trusts the words of a drunk person? Usually it’s just brushed off as babbling, but Y/N couldn’t ignore what Jake said. Especially because she couldn’t blame it on not hearing him. There was no music playing outside the bar. The music was faint enough that anything Jake had said was heard.

High school was rough for Y/N with hormones mixed in with academics, horny teenage boys at every turn. Y/N wasn’t even interested in dating, not due to the fact that nobody was necessarily interested in her, but because she was too focused on her studies to even give a damn. School dances were a nice break from academics. There was a shift, though, when one boy in particular would start to really pay attention to her.

Jake Kiszka was charismatic in every sense of the word. Him and his twin brother, Josh, were always the two sweetest, yet most famous troublemakers in all of Frankenmuth High School. It got even worse when their younger brother, Sam, ended up in high school with them as a freshman. Jake had girls wrapped around his finger from the moment he had gotten a haircut. His hair was a lot shorter than before and barely even touched his forehead. Y/N didn’t really give a damn. To her, he was still Jake Kiszka, neighbor.

Their parents were friends and always hungout on the weekends. Y/N’s family had a cabin on the lake which they always vacationed at and occasionally would bring Jake’s family with. One particular summer, they stayed there for a week between the summer of sophomore and junior year. The summer’s were always hot, but this week in particular was hotter than the other summer’s before. “It feels like the Devil’s asshole out here.”

“I know, Mary, but that’s the exact reason we chose to come here this week. The kids can swim in the lake, it’s a lot cooler in the water than on the grass.” Y/N’s dad spoke, returning the conversation from her mother. He gave her a quick kiss on the side of the head and returned to unpacking the car. Y/N and the boys had already gone into the house and picked their rooms. The boys shared one, and Y/N got one of the spare bedrooms. 

Dinner was made as soon as everyone was settled in. Everyone sat around the dining table, laughing and eating as they did almost every weekend. “You excited for Junior year, Y/N?”

“Yeah, I’m sort of nervous about taking the SAT and ACT. I’ve been studying when I’m not working at the shop.” She picked at some asparagus on her plate as she answered Mrs. Kiszka’s  question. Jake and Josh weren’t entirely ecstatic about it, it didn’t really matter to either of them. Music was their passion and that was never going to change.

Smores after dinner was a tradition that started when they were all really little, barely old enough to eat them. The fire was lit by Mr. Kiszka and Mr. Y/L/N. Jake, Sam and Josh had always played music while the rest of them made their smores. Y/N always made extras for the boys for when they were done playing music. Whenever they had no idea what to play, Y/N always knew the answer. Running out of songs to play, though, was a rarity in itself. The Kiszka’s knew so much about their sound, nothing was in their way of playing songs that fit it. However, every once in a blue moon they would ask their friend what she would like to hear. “C’mon now. You should know I’m a sucker for The Beatles.”

Y/N could recognize the sound of Blackbird the second it started playing. She had only listened to it eight million times that summer. She hummed lightly along as they played. Everyone clapped as soon as their song was over, the boys immediately delving into their smores. Y/N had finally taken a seat next to Josh when she was finished making their smores for them. Once their parents had gone inside, though, Y/N and the twins dipped into their parents' cooler of beer.

Neither of the sets of parents cared, they knew their kids would be safe and unharmed if they drank at the cabin. Jokes were told and stories of the past school year were discussed, as well as the future. A topic so vast for high schoolers. “I still can’t decide between a lawyer and an art teacher.”

“You’ve always been great at arguing,” Josh joked, “Practically got fuckin’ Lindsey McNeil out of that suspension.”

“It wasn’t fair. All she did was stand up for herself and what she believed in, plus that teacher is fucking creepy and everyone knows it.” Everybody laughed, the beer in everyone’s hands was getting a little warmer with every minute that passed by. Everyone filtered out one by one. Sam went in first, followed by Ronnie (she was slightly upset about coming, having made other plans with friends for the hot weather), and then Josh followed, leaving behind Jake and Y/N.

“Did you want to go inside yet or stay out here for a bit longer?” The silence beforehand hadn’t been awkward for the pair. “Cause I was thinking of going swimming for a bit.”

“I’ll join you, we haven’t swam yet today.”

The sand leading into the lake was met with a bit of rocks. It was picturesque under the moonlight. The pair discarded their clothing, leaving their underwear and got into the water. The coolness of the water sent goosebumps along her skin, leaving no piece without some. Jake followed in behind her, coming up next to her before completely dipping under the water. He popped back up and shook his head.

“You know,” Y/N started, “I think you’d look really good with longer hair.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. You should grow it out.” She swiped his hair out of the way and giggled a bit. “You’ll still never be prettier than I am.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, darling.”

The rest of the summer followed with light flirting and spending lots of time together. Junior year came around and nothing changed a bit. Prom was spent with the Kiszka family, Josh driving the three of you, as well as Josh’s date. The dance was lame, the songs were overplayed pop music, which Y/N secretly had a bit of a soft spot for. She would never tell that to Jake, though.

The pair ended up back at Y/N’s house, giggling all the way up to her room. He went into the bathroom to take his suit off, using one of Y/N’s hangers to make sure it wouldn’t wrinkle. However, Y/N was still having issues. She couldn’t manage to undo the zipper by herself, waiting for Jake to come back into the room to do it for her. He came back in, saw her still in her dress. “Need my help?”

“My zipper -- I can’t reach it.”

“I can do it,” he whispered, knowing Y/N’s parents were asleep. His hands were warm against her back, undoing her zipper slowly. The moonlight coming in from the window felt like that hot summer night at the cabin. He slid the straps down her shoulders, his mouth slightly agape. How could someone look so beautiful and delicate at the same time?

She turned around, her body facing Jake’s. He stuttered, telling her he could leave and he was honestly about to. Until he felt her hand grab his wrist. “Don’t go.”

He nodded his head, helping her get the rest of the way out of her dress. She stepped closer to him and put her hands on his chest. She could feel how fast his heart was beating. She had a hard time meeting his gaze, nervous of him not feeling the same way she had been. “You looked really good tonight.”

“Me? Everybody was staring at you the whole time, Y/N,” he spoke, one hand finding their way to her waist, the other pulling on her chin to force eye contact. “You looked absolutely breathtaking.”

There was a split second where both of them second guessed themselves. But it was over when Y/N pressed her lips lightly against Jake’s. It was such a feathery light touch, it almost felt like she wasn’t even kissing him. She pulled away slowly, her eyes closed, not really knowing what to do next. She didn’t have to figure it out though, Jake’s lips returned to hers with more pressure.

His hands had found their rightful place on her back, bringing her closer to him. Hers found their way into his hair. It felt so natural - the need for each other grew stronger with each passing minute. His mouth never wanted to leave hers, it felt as though her lips were coated in fucking drugs the way they were so addicting. He couldn’t get enough. “Do you want to..?”

“Yes, please.” It came out so needy - desperate. Y/N didn’t even care about how that presented itself to Jake. She just wanted to be even closer to him than she already was. And she got to be right where she wanted to be.

Her bed was more comfy than Jake had previously remembered. Or maybe that was because they were here under different circumstances, not just studying algebra because Jake wasn’t quite getting it. All he knew was that he wasn’t ever going to forget it. He wanted this moment to replay forever and ever. Not because he was just some horny teenager, but because holy fuck, this had just been some random thought - a daydream, almost. But this was real. This was happening.

A tangled mess they were when climaxing. “I love you,” came out as barely above a whisper. It took Y/N a half of a second to register what he was really saying before it finally hit her. She didn’t feel as if she had to say it back, if anything, he should realize that she loved him too.

“I could honestly stay here forever and stare at you until the end of time.”

“So do it. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

They didn’t though. And it wasn’t that simple. Complications arose after that night. Everything got messy and trying to tie in a relationship while the band was traveling and on the road became increasingly difficult, especially when Y/N went to college.

She came home to Frankenmuth while she was off for the summer. Her mother and father missed her a great deal and the first weekend home was spent in the Kiszka’s backyard, the boys excluded. It was weird to be at their house and not see them littered around anywhere. Ronnie was full of stories though, telling Y/N about previous times the boys have come home from touring and the memories they brought back with him.

It was painful to hear, but she was so incredibly proud of everything they had accomplished and done. Every once in a while, Y/N had checked up on their band's Instagram account. When she was really nervous — having a hard time not worrying about them — she texted Josh or Danny. Neither of them were ever going to say anything to Jake or mention it to Sam.

The two families decided to get together and have dinner at a local bar. The boys were still away, they weren’t scheduled to come back to Michigan for at least another month and a half. Ronnie and Y/N spent most of their time talking about future plans for the upcoming weeks while their parents discuss their weekend plans — what to have for dinner and who’s house to have dinner at. Time had passed quickly and before they knew it, it was 10pm.

The parents had left, leaving Ronnie and Y/N at the bar by themselves. At least, that was until the boys walked in.

Ronnie smiled widely, hugging her brothers but then proceeding to punch them for surprising her and not just telling her. Josh and Danny hugged Y/N first, Sam leading after. Jake didn’t hug Y/N. It stung a bit. It made sense though. The last time they talked — it ended in an argument which was the resulting cause of their breakup.

A few drinks were downed, a couple shots thrown in there as well. Y/N figured it was time to throw the towel in. She couldn’t handle the awkward glances and forced conversation on their part. She grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair and put it on as she said goodbye to everyone. “Boys, lovely to see you again. I’m sure I’ll see you this weekend.”

She wasn’t going to. She was gonna avoid them at all costs. Come up with a lie — say she had the flu or something. Her mother would believe her either way, as well as understand where she was coming from with her avoidance. Her mother was there for her while she cried her eyes out.

She didn’t notice when Jake had followed her out. She didn’t notice him calling her name. The only thing she could notice was the tears falling down her cheeks, wiping them as soon as she felt them.

“I never stopped loving you.”

It slipped out. It didn’t mean to come out. Jake didn’t necessarily want it to come out. They say drunk words are sober thoughts, right? At the same time, who trusts the words of a drunk person? Usually it’s just brushed off as babbling, but Y/N couldn’t ignore what Jake said. Especially because she couldn’t blame it on not hearing him. There was no music playing outside the bar. The music was faint enough that anything Jake had said was heard.

“When we broke up,” he started. “I was a wreck. I was immature. It could’ve worked out - it would’ve worked out if I wasn’t such a child about everything.”

“Jake —“

“No, Y/N, I need to say this now. I’m a little drunk so I actually have the balls to say everything I want to. It was stupid to break up over something as menial as distance. The things I feel for you are so intense it scares the fuck out of me. I was so afraid of being gone all the time. You deserved someone who could be there to help you study for midterms. I was always in another state and sometimes another country. I wasn’t… there to be able to help you through anything. Everything’s different now, though.”

She sighed, not entirely sure on what to do with the information that was thrown at her. She was sober enough to remember the conversation tomorrow, but not nearly drunk enough to be able to deal with it tonight. “Do you wanna just come home with me? Talk about this tomorrow morning when we’re both sober.”

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”