#and i dont wanna keep spending money on a game that cant at least give me decent make up 80% of the time

[gifti3]

time princess is starting to seriously annoy me but on the bright side i just learned about infinity nikki

[mako-neexu]

.

[hekkoto]

Hello my darklings!

Here I come with lil post with update cause I feel like you deserve to know how things are going and why lately Im barely online

My main issue is my poor mental health, I again struggle with constant, daily suicidal thoughts. Im kinda used to this as I struggle with this since I was teen, when I was kid they werent daily at least. They stopped like 2 or 3 years ago but now they are back. Its really hard to live like this but I try to keep going, no matter how much it hurts. In case you dont know – I suffer from borderline which means Im constantly jumping between very strong emotions and my actions are often reckless. Usually you can see me being super euphoric but also very depressed. Lately those depressive moments started to be very long and harder than usually. Adding awful heatwave we had since few weeks it caused me to be on edge of giving up. Here I want to thank a lot everyone who was leaving nice comments or talking with me and trying to cheer me up, I know it might be tiring that I keep saying Im worthless and such but thats how I feel. Im not used to people being so nice to me, really thank you, you are saving my life. I would love to be able to ask for help but sadly Im not, I feel like Im burden to everyone. Its something I need to work on, it will take some time but sadly for now Im still struggling with this. But Im always super grateful for everything you do <3

In last days I sleep a lot, like up to 18 hours per day, right now Im not sure if thats cause of my chronic fatigue or depressive state. Im also wasting a lot of time watching lets plays from The Binding of Isaac: Repentance cause its my comfort game and it really helps me. So yeah, I barely do anything.

I struggle a lot with substance abuse, starting from overdosing antidepressants constantly just to survive, I also drink and such. Im aware its bad, Im aware that I cross the line but Im doing it to go through those days. I will try my best to limit this when I will feel better, when I wont need this to stay alive.

Here I want to apologize my Patrons, Im so so so sorry that in last months I dont post most of promised stuff and a lot of things are late ;-; and I want to thank you a lot for still being here, I cant express how happy I am. I promise that when I will feel better everything will be on time, I will also give you some bonus for your patience <3

Please, give me some more time to sort things out. I know that the best thing for me now would be therapy but sadly Im not able to afford this. I will ask my psychiatrist to prescribe me therapy so if in some magical way I will have money I will be able to start it. I start to consider asking my parents for this but honestly? They spend 1000PLN every month just on my meds, they also pay for my doctors, from time to time my mom goes with me to do lil shopping of hygienic stuff and home supplies and pays for everything. They also pay for my flat and all the bills. So yeah... they already spend a lot on me and I feel so bad about this and asking for more feels awful. But if this is something I need to stay alive I guess I have to...

My physical health isnt the best too, I suffer from quite bad pains of joints and muscles. I have bigger dose of meds for this but its still not perfect. Also on days when heatwave hits Im kinda trapped in my house, I cant go outside when its super hot cause its dangerous for me

Thanks to your support and my husband's help things arent super bad yet, thankfully I was able to not go back to self harm and my suicidal thoughts are just thoughts an Im not doing anything to actually kill myself. Without you... welp, I would be dead

I plan to use the best my time when Im feeling fine, I wanna draw and record a lot. So yeah, for now I cant promise any time when stuff will be there but I will do it. I will be working on one project which is very important for me, you will see it soon [I hope haha]. Right now I will focus on commissions and stuff for Patrons so if you wait for something from me – it will be there soon <3

Thank you a lot for your patience and love, you are awesome <3 I dont know how long it will take for me to get better but I will keep fighting and hopefully at some point I wont suffer so much. My past was awful and it damaged me a lot, fixing it will be very long and hard but I must stay strong. I will keep fighting and perhaps I will be able to make my dreams come true

Love ya, Hekkoto

[flowerslightning]

Wanna be a Game Character?

And now, who's up for a physical torture??

Inspired from Saitama's 100 days challenge, since this will only be for ' 7 ' weeks only, Im gonna name this workout challenge as "TIFA LOCKHART WORKOUT".

I like Lightning Farron more, but she has a God-like power. While Tifa is an ordinary girl who train her body to be in the same level as the hero. So I use her name for this workout. Besides, I want to have what she has - the agility, power and speed.

I.. Have.. No.. Idea.. My weight .. Has .. Increased.. A lot 😂😂😂 no wonder why I feel my body is heavier than usual. I didnt train a muscle during the quarantine and the last time I trained seriously with my coach was in January and then my intern shift interrupted most of my training seasons.

I got scolded by my coach for being weak and unmotivated today 😂😂 and today was be the last time I saw him bfore moving 500km away from my hometown bcause of this intern for 7 weeks. I need to get back to my usual figure before meeting him again.

Disclaimer : I'm not a coach nor someone who has knowledge in nutrition. I once used this method to reduce 8 kg in a very short amount of time for my sparring tournament and it worked (but previously the workout was a lot more intense than this). And my weight maintained for several years, not until my sleeping schedule got crazy from the past 6 months and I have to stay indoors 24hrs and eat midnight snacks almost everyday and 0 hrs of exercise for 3 months straight.

Hah-hah.

★Tifa Lockhart Workout★

Tifa has light build, superb strength, slim but fit figure, high agility and speed. She has abs but not the 6 pack type and her female appeal still maintained. A body where lots of women admire. While genetic does play a huge role in a person's body, but I believe Tifa does not have restricted diet but still train herself intensely. This workout should be light and easy to follow (well at least for me it is easy).

So, overall, the main objective is to regain power and speed. Which I assume I can achieve this by loosing weight and increase muscle endurance through out the 7 weeks self train. I will focus more on full body workout which involves cardio and strength exercises. [Pls note that I hate dumbbells and dislike gym. I like cardio and love pushups and plank]. So, this workout is really simple but effective (for me) and may torture ur mental a bit. It doesnt need equipment (but u need a jump rope)

★ Ready to go? Lets check the schedule first

F - Fasting | INT F - Intermittent Fasting

I will give myself 2 days rest to allow my body to heal. I have extra time doing the weekends, so I will push myself to do more workout. Doing the selected days, I will try to spend at least 2 hrs for weekdays and weekends at least 3 hrs.

★ Move on to the diet

I'm not a foodie person. So I can survive a day without eating heavy meal while still being active. I choose Mon and Thu to fast, and Tue, Wed, Sat for intermittent fasting. Fri and Sun are my super 👻 cheat days. And dont forget to drink ur water 3L/day. I like to add a few slices of lemon in to my plain water for no proper reason. I just like to watch the lemon floating inside my bottle 😂

Rice is our main dish and we often have it during breakfast, lunch and dinner. Rice is a form of high carbs, so Im gonna cut it completely from my diet, along with bar chocolates, sweet drinks, candies while still eating breads and cookies, less intake of salty snack and more in protein and fruits. And the rest, Im gonna eat it like usual but in smaller portion- noodle, kuey teow, oden, mee, oatmeal, etc.. Will be away from home for 7 weeks though, I'm a cheapstake to myself so I dont really spend money on food 😂

And i dont take any extra supplement. I hate drugs..

★ And here's what the activity will look like

Dont forget to do warm up! We usually rope jump for half an hour before stretching.

Since my only problem is my weight increased and I feel my muscle endurance reduced, I will immediately start at Level 3, then jump to Level 5 and then to Level 10. Im not an expert though, I just like to push myself to my limit and see how far I can still proceed.

If ure new to any type of exercise, pls try to do this activity level by level. Increase ur level every 2 weeks. Eg - Level 1 rpt 10x push up, 10 mins rope jumping, 1km jogging for the first 2 weeks | Level 2 rpt 20x push up, 20 mins rope jumping, 2km joggin for the next 2 weeks | Level 3 - and so on. Make sure to have 5-3mins rest before doing the next activity.

Agility workout aint fun without a partner, for me, at least. But, yeah, none of my female intern friends like sweat 🙃 so I have to train agility.all.by.my.self. (or probably will skip it and change to strength workout) Hmmm

Friendly reminder : Do it slowly but constantly. If u cant finish the 10x burpees, u can rest 2-3 mins every 5x. No need to push ur self too hard. Unless if ure stubborn like me, then have it ur way. Do this at ur own risk.

As a summary to this challenge ;

Right now, I am 166cm tall and 56kg. Perfect BMI u may say, but I feel heavy, unlike when I was only 54-52kg. Besides, I'm in class B sparring tournament. Cant let my weight be more than 54kg and less than 50

☆ Mission : Reduce weight - From 56kg to 51kg

☆ Objective : Regain strength, speed and muscle endurance

☆ Workout focuses : Full body workout - Cardio + Strength

☆ Time limitation : 7 Weeks

Keep in mind that this is not about trying to be like Tifa Lockhart, but instead, u may have abs and lean muscle like her through this workout (depends on ur genetic, routine and diet). If u want to reduce weight and bcome light like how I want it to be, then this simple exercise is for u.

Alright, that's it. Feel free to join my 7 weeks challenge ! If u participate in this challenge, do tell me ur result and ur experience. I'm eager to listen to ur story 😆😆

I will be in hiatus for 7 weeks straight. Was told the internet line at the village clinic is horrible. So, will come back on 23rd August. See ya guy later ! 🤗

[msf-diamond-dog]

I SAID ANSWER ALL THE MF QUESTIONS BEECH DONT MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

Okie dokii

1. What’s one animal you wish you could have as a pet but can’t?

jellyfish

2. Favorite thing to wear to sleep?

Usually just shorts and a tshirt

3. What song really gets you going?

Right now, Lights Out by 3Teeth

4. Where do you usually eat your meals?

In my bedroom

5. Favorite meal: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

I dont eat breakfast or lunch so

6. Most embarrassing habit?

Bein an asshole

7. Chocolate or fruity candy?

Fruity

8. Soft or hard tacos?

Depends on the taco, man.

9. Worst way to break up a fight?

/ryan stiles voice/ you guys wanna stop a fight

10. Best thing to say in an elevator of strangers?

I aint talk to people

11. What color/design are your bedsheets?

Just gray flannel

12. Any hidden talents?

I aint even got any obvious ones,

13. Favorite thing to drink out of (mug, glass, etc.)?

I love a good pint glass.

14. Socks or bare feet around the house?

Barefeet

15. Favorite board game?

Candyland bitches

16. Do you sleep with the fan on or off?

Always on

17. Heat on or keep it cold with lots of layers?

Cold with lots of layers.

18. Do you sing in the shower?

Always

19. Favorite song to belt out at the top of your lungs when you’re alone?

Grave by Hellyeah

20. Last thing you cried about?

Anxiety attack a couple weeks ago

21. At what age did you first have alcohol?

21, didnt have any before then

22. Relationship status?

Single but into someone

23. What’s the most amount of money you’ve spent on a single item of clothing?

I dont spend a ton on clothes but I think I payed like 60 dollars for a band shirt once

24. What do you typically wear to formal events?

Nicer clothes than usual?

25. Favorite memory?

Just bein a chill happy kid honestly,

26. Gum or breath mints?

Gum

27. Favorite shoes?

Mah boots.

28. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

This whole how I look situation.

29. What is the natural state of your hair?

I gots a shaved head

30. Have you ever had braces?

No, wish I did though, I hate my smile

31. Most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?

Overdose.

32. Most embarrassing thing your parents have caught you doing?

I dont know really. I think I embarrass my parents more than the other way around

33. Last time you had an orgasm?

A couple nights ago

34. Celebrity crush(es)?

Legit dont have any. I have no connection with any of them so

35. Windows or Mac?

Windows

36. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?

Uhhh 7. Our neighbor taught me.

37. Makeup or natural?

Both. Both is good.

38. What color do you wear the most?

Black!

39. Favorite season?

Winter all the way

40. Umbrella or rain coat?

I live in the desert and it hasnt rained in like 6 months so neither. Whenever it rains I just stand outside.

41. Have you ever fallen out of a tree?

Prolly happened as a kid but I dont remember. We had a tree we all used to love climbing at the house I was a youngin at.

42. First car you ever owned?

Same car I have now, my 91 Nissian Pickup.

43. What time do you usually go to bed?

Anywhere from 12 to 2 am.

44. Are you a competitive person?

Not really no.

45. Least favorite color?

Yellow

46. First pet you’ve ever owned?

A fishy

47. Sweet or salty?

Why not both

48. Favorite pasta dish?

Anything with basil and olive oil 👌

49. Favorite kind of chips?

Nitro Takis are the shit

50. Talk about something you’re passionate about.

Music. Nuff said.

51. What are some of your hobbies?

Music, video games, gunpla, legos, anything that kinda creative really

52. Caffeine? If so, what kind?

Monsters

53. Favorite kind of pizza?

Extra pepperoni with anchovies 👌

54. Fast food or sit-down restaurant?

Fast food. I dont like eating around people

55. Lots of acquaintances or a handful of close friends?

Close friends.

56. Something that ruins your appetite?

Being in a bad mood

57. Favorite labels about you?

Eh

58. Are you a religious person?

Not anymore. I grew up that way but organized religion always pisses me off. Im much more spiritual

59. Night out with a bunch of friends in public or night in with one friend having deep conversations?

One friend

60. What size shoe do you wear?

11 1/2

61. Favorite thing about yourself?

The fact most people cant read my sarcasm

62. Have you ever told someone you loved them first?

I dont think anyone has ever told me first

63. Have you ever had sex on the first date?

Kinda sorta?

64. Heroes or villains?

Maximals all the way.

65. Favorite fruit?

Prolly mangos or strawberries

66. Least favorite fruit?

Unripe melon.

67. Favorite vegetable?

Potates

68. Least favorite vegetable?

I like all the ones ive had Im not picky but the lowest prolly be carrots?

69. How many plates can you eat at a buffet?

Usually 2 or 3

70. Favorite dessert?

Whiskey

71. Do you play any sports?

No, never been my thing

72. Age you learned how to swim?

7 or 8 I think.

73. Tell a funny story.

My boss keep salt lamps in every room of his house "just in case" of rfid waves (???) but refuses to wear a mask when he goes out cause "theres no proof it does anything".

74. What’s one interesting thing about your culture?

How much closer the brown side of my family is compared to the white side

75. What’s one annoying thing about your culture?

All the gossip, man.

76. What job would you be terrible at?

Math teacher.

77. Would you rather watch a TV show or a movie?

TV shows

78. What’s your favorite compliment to give?

Anything that makes someones day a little better!

79. What’s your favorite compliment to receive?

I do not like receiving compliments i always feel awkward

80. Has your opinion changed on something recently?

Not that I can think of off the top of my head

81. Do you always order the same thing at a restaurant or order something different each time?

Usually the same thing

82. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?

drug

83. If you could learn to do anything right now, what would it be?

Record

84. Favorite physical feature about yourself?

Ew

85. Least favorite physical feature about yourself?

The whole the things

86. What’s one amazing thing you did that nobody was around to see?

Survived 👈👈😎

87. If you could change your height, would you?

Maybe, I feel pretty short

88. What’s something you would rate 10/10?

Holding hands

89. Heels or flats?

Why not platform boots

90. What’s something you wish you had more knowledge about?

Music

91. Would you want to be famous?

No

92. What’s something you would get arrested for?

Prolly trespassing

93. What’s your spirit animal?

Water bears 🤔

94. What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you?

Won tickets and got to meet Jonathan Davis so that was pretty cool

95. Are you the type to have an organized mess, or no mess at all?

Organized mess

96. Do you tend to make decisions based on the past, present, or future?

All of the above if able

97. Are you a planner or a more spontaneous person?

Planner

98. Thoughts on the oxford comma?

Important

99. What do you hope never changes?

How close the sun is to the earth

100. How would you celebrate your 100th birthday?

I aint ever wanna be that old.

Thank you Audi!!

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[tumblunni]

I cant believe ive progressed from "im gonna buy this slightly updated rerelease of a game i already own because science grandpa" to "im gonna reenter the kingdom hearts fandom and catch up on all the games i missed because science grandpa" to "im gonna get into an entirely new fandom literally just for science grandpa i mean dad"

Its probably best i start with the first game in the series tho, rite? Theyre all in continuity with the same protag and stuff unlike pokemon, apparantly. But still i worry that it wont be able to hold my interest in the first game cos apparantly THE FABLED SADDAD is only a late game boss with barely one single scene compared to his more fleshed out appearances in the sequels. I can only hope that everything else lives up to the power of he cuteness and every other yokai is equally monstery huggables! And im totally unspoiled for LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THE GAME EXCEPT FOR MADDIMAN so lol for all i know it could be exactly my ultra fave and i just never knew it! I can at least give credit to the wiki makers for having it be easier to learn about one sad dad's plot without spoiling the rest of the game for yourself, thats better than pokemon and kh!

Oh but the one thing i do know is that everyone in the fandom is universally sad that they removed the female character option in the third game. Apparantly its cos now you have a second scenario with a new female character but it sucks that this means they canonized the male character as the "real" one for the first two games. Really sucks cos he's also the canon protagonist in the anime too and already gets 100% of the screentime in all promotional materials so i didnt even friggin know there was a girl option until years after i first heard of the game! JUSTICE FOR KATIE YO!!! Her design is infinately better than the ultra generic one for the dude. Like if their excuse for removibg her is "but theres a different female character who's nate's new friend and they both exist simultaneously" like why not have it so that if you play as katie you get a male version of that same character? Or if the excuse is to save cartridge space then literally just replace the new girl with "katie moves to america and has this separate adventure". Or even mix both and have it so that you can pick which protagonist is the one that moves and which stays? And have a prologue segmebt where the one who wasnt already the hero comes along and somehow something gets a yokai watch too and then new scenario, the end. Cos what ive heard is that both nate and katie are characters anyway, even if you dont pick them? The leftover one becomes your non yokai powered friend/love interest. Or is that just in the anime? But like if thats how katie is left canonically in the final game in the trilogy REGARDLESS OF YOUR GODDAMN CHOICES then yo it could be cool if the love interest got powers and joined you on a super double adventure! Thatd actually get me invested in your love plot! You could have loads of sweetness of them being long distance pals and maybe getting closer to confessing now theyre spending time apart. Cos a friend moving away is always super stressful and keeping in touch makes you worried theyre gonna forget you and all. Maybe have Katie finding her own yokai watch and entourage of spooky monsters while she's off in her new home and then nate is half AAAAA THIS IS SO COOL I CAN FINALLY TELL YOU MY SECRET and half OH GOD SHES GOT NEW BETTER FRIENDS SHES GONNA FORGET ABOUT ME. And katie maybe is worried that nate doesnt trust her as much as she thought he did, if he kept the yokai secret from her. And they could have awkwardness due to miscommunication and anxiety and RELATE THAT TO MADDIMAN'S FAMILY TROUBLES AND HAVE HIM BE A BIG ROLE IN THE PLOT RESOLVING IT BECAUSE MADDIMAN IS THE GODDAMN BEST! Also honestly the new girl character they replaced katie with DOES seem cool, im just mad that she replaced katie. So maybe keep her as an npc and she could be a cool new friend katie makes in america? Or yknow if they felt like ditching the "katie only exists for love interest uwu shes not the canon protagonist and never will be" crap then HEY MAYBE NEW GIRL COULD BE KATIE'S LOVE INTEREST?

ALSO maybe add a button to hug my yokai and have them follow behind you and also make custom rooms for them and decorate them and also give them snacks. Note: bunni has not played this game and does not know if any of these things have already happened and if they have then FUCK YEAH IM EVEN MORE EXCITED YO!!!!

Oh also i was checking up the version exclusives for the second game cos huh thats weird that only YW2 has two versions and both thw first and third game dont. I think i might go with bony spirits cos i had a good giggle at "herbiboy and carniboy" and i wanna throw my money at whoever made that pun. Like i kinda like how nonsensical it is in english where the pun doesnt exist? Its equally great either way! Why on earth does eating fried chicken make you a casanova! Well in japan its a pun but a dude holding a fried chicken bouquet is even funnier with absolutely no context. I honestly think his herbiboy form looks cuter tho and im sad that cos of his outfit people in the west will probably make jokes about him being an incel even tho his concept is meant to be "socially anxious dude who has no interest in dating women" rather than "those shallow fake shy dudes who whine about women not letting them smash". Since he turns into Carniboy by fusing with another male yokai i'd rather interpret it as "he was gay all along and only becomes a confident casanova when he embraces his true self". Like carniboy is the garnet of yokai? HERE AGAIN I GO GETTING ALL HYPED AND ATTATCHED TO RANDOM YOKAI BASED ENTIRELY ON THEIR CRANK-A-KAI DESCRIPTION ON THE WIKI

Also yo did u know theres a fuckin crank-a-kai?? Aka a gachapon machine of the damned?? Created by a punny gas(c)hadoro yokai whose giant towering skeletal scaryness is all wasted on being addicted to gacha games?? I love this. I especially love it cos gacha machines were the original inspiration for pokeballs so its like a fun callback to the franchise's bigger brother! But im also glad that the gacha thing is just one of many different minigames to catch yokai, cos i really dont like games thatre 100% random chance with no choices at all. THO STILL WHERE IS MY CHOICE TO HUG MADDIMAN....

[trickstarbrave]

today in reasons i feel shitty: my friend blew up on me on twitter bc i kept ASKING him if he wanted to play dnd with us bc hes a part of our group. i asked him if he could LAST WEDNESDAY and he has been giving me the run around since then. saying “i dont know yet” and “ill tell you when i do”. i tell him to let us know sunday at least, because the only days off he has are monday and tuesday. he says okay

sunday evening comes and he hasnt said shit so i ask him. hes drunk and i tell him we’ll talk tomorrow. monday i ask him if he can play tomorrow and he says hes “not sure and will need to ask if theyre playing mtg” so i say “okay”. he doesnt reply back all day. TODAY i ask him if he wants to play today or not and he says “i have to pick up a court summons” (not, “actually sorry i am playing mtg today”, not “i dont feel like playing, im sorry”). i sound suspicious but say “okay” and remind him we havent played in over a week AS IS. and he then GOES OFF ON ME for “guilt tripping him” and “making it an ~obligation~ he plays” and how i “stress him out by asking over and over again”. when i tell him he should have told me straight out he didnt want to play instead of just giving vague “maybe i dont know” answers he gets defensive even more and says “I DID” and when i say “no, you didnt, the only thing vaguely like that is you saying “im gonna be tired” on a question about your days off. thats not a yes or no answer and lots of us play while tired so why would i assume it was something else” 

“WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOURE A BUNCH OF SADISTS WHO HAD TO TURN A FUN CASUAL GAME INTO A OBLIGATION WHERE YOU ALL ARE FORCED TO PLAY SICK OR TIRED! i cant even SAY i dont want to play because you all guilt trip me and get mad when i do.” 

see, he doesnt say “sorry guys my next days off will be full and im not up to it.” and apologize for keeping us waiting or giving us the go ahead to play without him (WEVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE and PURPOSEFULLY made the game so if he doesnt want to play he can leave whenever so long as its not in the middle of a fucking mission. okay. its not like we just sit there doing nothing but complain if he cant play). he waits until the DAY OF OUR GAME to tell is he purposefully made plans on game night, no he cant change them, no he was absolutely always forced to do them right now during game time, and then get pissy when we all complain because we dont even have time to plan around him and have cleared out our evening for nothing and our time is wasted. 

he then keeps going on and on because apparently i was just supposed to know the words “im tired” and his vague answers like hes genuinely unsure about the state of tomorrow were him “actually” telling me he doesnt even want to play and i should have fucking caught on, he wanted to quit this game MONTHS ago. i was just supposed to know him being ‘busy’ was a ‘secret message’ that actually meant ‘just stop even asking me when i want to play a game and hang out with my friends! just stop inviting me in general! i dont like you or the game! its not fun and stresses me out and im LYING to you.” and we just all fucking ignore him and play without him and let him figure out we havent even been giving him the opportunity to join to play

which is so fucking. terrible. who would just assume “thats what you mean”???? like imagine if you WERENT doing this and actually were really busy and your friends just eventually stopped even inviting you to game night, only for you to check the group chat months later and find out they have been playing without you and having fun and didnt even bother inviting you to anything at all. you just find this out. and by the time you figure it out they might have done a lot stuff or played games YOU wanted to play and they arent going to go back and replay the stuff you missed bc they just assumed you were lying to their faces and it wouldnt matter anyways if you were there or not. how hurtful would that be? imagine if some of your friends did that to you, would you be HAPPY they did it??? 

keep in mind HE is the one who picked out the VERY NEXT MISSION WE”RE ABOUT TO DO so fucking sorry if we assumed “HEY HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PLAY IT. YKNOW THE MISSION HE FUCKING PICKED OUT. THE MISSION INVOLVING STUFF SPECIFICALLY FOR HIS CHARACTER” oh my fucking god. 

now i dont know the state of our group bc he yelled at me more and said he quit and deleted all his tweets and our dm is miserable and put the game on hiatus for 2 fucking weeks. i feel miserable too bc my friend has been lying to me and called me a guilt tripper and manipulative for reminding him hes stringing along 5 other people by not being fucking honest with us and said its OUR PROBLEM he cant be honest even though we structured the game so he can take MONTH long breaks if he needs to just give us the heads up. i told him he could quit once we got more than 3 players bc do you know how annoying it is to do a full campaign w only 2 characters playing???? bc one of the three dropped out??? i told him to just fucking play until then and he could quit for real and he went “but i DO wanna play : ( im just stressed!” 

well now ill just fucking believe every time he complains abt smth like “man i have to spend money on this thing” that means we’re just not hanging out like we planned. im not gonna ask him if hes actually going to the ren fest even tho the bed situation was taken care of bc i just assume now that he only brought up the bed to tell me hes not fucking going and to fuck off. im not making a costume for it either if my best friend doesnt go im just gonna stay home. 

i cant read the fucking air and he knows this. hes known me forever. he knows im ignorant and dont ‘get’ stuff like “if someone keeps canceling plans that means they want you to leave them the fuck alone and stop even inviting them or talking to them”. he knows im probably autistic and struggle with ‘unsaid” social cues like that and he just STILL does this and calls ME terrible for not ‘getting it’ and ‘forcing him’ to yell at me. im rtired.

[nylenol]

ALL OF THEM. 1-50. GO.

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

yes and no! i value the idea of fate a Lot a lot and idk i believe things happen to certain ppl for a certain reason whether in this life or others so. yeah. i also think that everything i’ve been thru makes me a certain way, and throwing that away to go like,,, possess another body or some shit makes everything not worth. i wish i had better financial status and had more resources at my disposal tho! so if i could change my social/financial standing thatd be hot as fuck

2: What is your full name?sandra whot (thats what i write on my physics tests)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?im 17 but god knows i still look 12

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?no but ppl ask me if i’ve dyed it bc the natural colors kinda wack! also i spray painted it blue once does that count

5: What’s your eye color?healthy soil mmm wormy

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with iti like my body! i used to not bc shes a little chonky but its okay now^^

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?i really wanna get an industrial/helix piercing in my ear but im scared of piercings djhgggg i used to have those little asian baby hoops that all asian babies have but it got caught in my necklace and started bleeding like fuck when i was little so i was kinda traumatized, dont wear earrings anymore and the hole closed up on one side ; as for tattoos i want one eventually! maybe something small and meaningful on my ankle/wrist or smth

8: What would you say is your best quality?i’m really tolerant of a lotta bs tbh; a lot of times when my friends cant handle a person/situation i still find myself p okay with it and they tell me that so ya!

9: What are you really bad at?oh my god so many : cant dance; cant sing; drawing mediocre; meeting deadlines? whos she! etc etc my work ethic just sux

10: What talent do you wish you had?i wish i could sing well/play an instrument!! love live renewed my love for music a lot and not being able to express that love for music IN music makes me rlly emo

11: Are you nice to everyone?yeah i’d like to think so,, sometimes i shittalk if they like do something Genuinely Morally Wrong like hello but for the most part i think everyones deserving of kindness even if i dont know them that well!

12: What do you think about the most?i spend a lot of time thinking abt the past and what i could have changed and the future and what i could have been and its ugly dont like it but it nags at me!! thanks obama

13: Things you like/dislike about yourselfi like the fact that i have a lot of passion for certain things and dedicate myself to them!! but i dont like the fact that i get demotivated rlly easy and let things pile up after signing up for too many things that i care about; ; ;  then i dont drop these things and end up in a shithole of responsibility like hello o o o o 

14: What is your least favorite word?i dunno! but any word i cant pronounce correctly is my mortal enemy (colosseum)

15: What is your favorite word?idk but i say hello so much ,, about time i start punctuating my sentences with goodbye.

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?i look exactly like my dad but i like my mom more! i wanna be like her, that woman works so hard to keep me and my sister alive hello

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?yeah! but honest to god if the strangers a crusty man then no i aint risking shit

18: A reason you’ve lied to someoneuhh the other day i went out for dim sum w benji and told my mom that only BENJI was buying dim sum but actually he paid for both of us bc im a broke bih (my mom hates owing ppl money) and yeah i feel terrible i dont lie often

19: Are you lying about anything right now?i dont think so ? only person im lying to is myself kek - John 1:14

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?never kissed anyone ! but wheres my milf @ god

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?yes in a way ??? but i think thats a superficial, physical kind of love and the love that matters can only form after like. years of both platonic and romantic bonding

22: Do you believe in soulmates?yes! the definition of a soulmate to me is someone who would fit best for you both romantically and platonically - but while there will always be someone who fits the best, there will always be someone who fits about the same, and someone who fits about the same right under that, etc etc. while we dont end up w/ the OG Soulmate tm in most situations, we do find a variation of them somewhere in the world.

23: Are looks important?a little bit?? but it doesnt matter in the long run, if you love someone then you’ll also grow to love the way they look its a package deal brent

24: Opinion on relationship age differencesi like ppl around my age or maybe a year younger/older but if ur 25 n dating a 35 yo then thats ur business! idc as long as neither party is in their teens and its healthy

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?unless i met them irl? no

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?lol yeah in part, i normally dont cry until i have 6000 different reasons to cry and sufficient hydration (like 3 times a year hello)

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?lol

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yeah! my friends disliked one of my best friends for like a Long time, me n her aren’t close friends anymore bc shes kinda snakey but w/e

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?lol

31: How does someone win your heart?be a good friend! same humor helps a lot, if someone’s aura is comfy for me to be in then hhhello ;; also genuine concern and compassion is my biggest turn on yeet

32: What turns you on?having enough food on me to eat every single period of the day, fruit, vidya games, sleeping,,, when teachers extend deadlines mr. geil i love you ? i lo

33: What turns you off?ketchup poured over fries like hello what is wrong with people.

34: Do you get jealous easily?yes cerritos auto square

35: What is your definition of cheating?cheating (noun) - the conscious pursuit of non-platonic relations with a person other than your significant other

36: Do you forgive betrayal?not really but depends on the situation

37: Have you ever been cheated on?nop i gave someone my hw to copy a few times tho

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?nop but i copy other ppls hw on a daily basis :)

39: How often do you listen to music?24/7 all the time always every waking hour right now immediately at the moment, this bitch DEAD without her earbuds

40: First concert you attendedactual actual concert in a venue was the AX one where Aqours performed!!

41: Last movie you watchedCarol it made me sososoos emo i was watching it on a bus next to a bunch of hetties i was Crying. crying

42: Favorite type of movieromance! and for some reason disaster movies,,, also psychological movies r Really up there

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?hoohooheehee

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?yeah when i need to, its obvious to other ppl tho i think

45: Do you fall in love easily?not really

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?yes and no, it depends on context and frequency

47: What’s your favorite holiday?tet bih

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?im pretty forgiving i think, i wish i wasnt

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?right here in my bed! wish i could sleep forever

50: What’s your “type”?idk if i have a type but ppl are hot and this lesbian is too weak to go on! i like ppl who are kinda similar to me tho: little crazy little wack but ultimately well meaning

[contactlense]

wanna read something absolutely batshit insane?

???

each time i look at my reflection im not quite sure who’s staring back

now i carry all these ghosts but i dont think i’ve ever known

each time i close my eyes i think maybe i’ll be different when i wake

but every day’s the same

they go just as they came; as if no time has passed at all

it’s as if i’m waiting for an apparition of

someone i haven’t met yet

will i ever get that?

i want to run away,

ditch the phones, ditch the games

but something like fear of missing out

keeps me here, exactly the same

i’ve got a lot to lose. or so i thought.

(people to disappoint, people who love me a lot. )

whats the point of all that love when i don’t know who i am?

that stranger in the mirror needs to grow/ into someone that i can understand.

im not sure how i can do it/ when im afraid to let go

money to spend, money to waste,/ jumping around from place to place

its not my shit to jerk around, /just use it wise and settle down

finish what you started before you run again

finish what you started and maybe you’ll find you can/ finally get to know

that stranger in the mirror

maybe you’ll have to stay here for now

maybe you’ll actually figure out how /to stop romanticizing the lives you’ll never live

or maybe, just maybe, you’ll get it

i want to leave

for something uncomplicated

i dont think ill make it

things stay complicated

you’re kidding yourself

life isnt that simple

life isn’t the story you think you can write

do you want to live inside your stories?

do you really want that life?

the thing about being alone is theres no pretence to uphold

nobody to lie to

but your own reflection in the mirror

if you can even see it

im not alone

but sometimes i wish i was

so every time that i fuck up theres no one else to clean it up

no more guilt

but thats not something i can just make up

maybe the pain would be easier if my life was actually tragic

something real to cry about instead of the thoughts inside my head

only you can change yourself but not enough

not enough to get it

with all the people tying you down

its not enough room to grow, to really grow

but loosening those ties would mean i’d have to make it on my own

i need my medication. thats the part that fucks me up. if i leave i wont be stable, i wont be able to get by.

i get so dramatic when im sad, but am i telling the truth?

is this how i really feel?

when im lying by myself in bed it seems like the biggest truth

but morning comes and the alarm goes off

and i think how silly, how dumb, how crude

unrealistic, privileged thoughts

maybe i’d be better off

going to sleep at 8:30.

this isnt a new feeling. year after year i have the same thought. if i could just run away from here, maybe i’ll find what i want.

“here,” where is “here”? i’ve been so many places and i always want to go. and so i leave but where i land is not where i want to go.

its where i think i should be, to please the people who keep me on my feet

unrealistic, privileged thoughts.

if one of them was gone you’d regret everything you ever wrote. you’d beg god to bring them back but no one’s listening, and you know

that all the things you think you want

would kill you just the same

as the life you think that you resent

so maybe all you’ll ever feel is pain.

sick. twisted. ridiculous. privileged thoughts.

just because others have it worse doesnt mean that your feelings mean any less

but how the fuck can you say you’re unhappy when you know you’d feel worse if you were them

since i feel this type of pain maybe giving it all up is what i deserve

if i’ll be unhappy anyways, why not give me a real reason? i need a real reason. it doesnt make sense. i feel alone, but not in the way that i want. i want peace of mind.

the only way i think i’ll get it is if i move to the countryside

only do the work to get the money that i need to survive.

otherwise i’ll tend to plants, read a book, count the ants

count the stars

and hope a new life will find me here

without ties to who i was

just being who i am

i am who i am from moment to moment

i dont think im ever the same

when i started writing i felt i had a different name

a different face

there is no future

there is no past

if one day at a time is all we’ve got

i’ll erase it all, close my eyes, and hope that when i wake up it’ll look a different way

i should send this to my therapist. theres a lot to unpack. but i think i laid it all out, rearranged it, and put it back together, the same way i always do. i get upset. i get angry. i reframe it. and it feels empty. an empty promise of tomorrow. there’s nothing to be upset about. just finish all you started. the same cycle every time.

cycle. im about to get my period.

if none of this is how i really feel, then why does it happen Every. Single. Time. ????

the same thoughts. the Same Shit. it must be true. i think im deluding myself every time i get through it because it’s the only thing i know how to do. the only thing i think i should do. lay it out, reframe it, pack it all back up for the next time it explodes.

im fine. im alive. but am i? doesn’t feel like it.

every time i take a breath i feel like i have to document it. i have to write it all down. if i have nothing to show for it, did any of it really happen? in 100 years someone may find this and know that something happened here. someone felt something.

when i write things down i feel like im not alone. there are no people around, how i like it, but at least i am known. i want to be known. in anonymity. i want to be known when it’s all over. that’s all. but we’re all marks that get worn away by time. we sink into the ground and make way for new things, new life. nothing is permanent, except it feels like it is when you’ve only got so much time. it feels like the clock is running out when i haven’t even been here long. how do i have all these thoughts when i haven’t even been here that long??? things move too fast for me. i need everything to slow down. to experience a year for the length of a year. all 525,600 minutes of it. instead of being worried about whats coming next. it feels like a bunch of cars are speeding at me and i have to get out of the way. i just want to get out of the way but there’s nowhere to go but between the cars or under them. it feels like they’re just narrowly missing me. my heart beating fast, thinking “that was close,” over and over. i’m tired of it. i’m tired of mental and emotional labor. i’m so tired of it i think about defaulting to physical labor. moving things around from place to place for a living. helping life move along for a living. not bringing new things into it that no one needs or wants. nothing to complicate anything further. less thinking. more doing. having something to show for your labor instead of an obscenely long note in your phone and dried tears on your pillow and a C+ on a computer screen.

sometimes i think maybe i should fuck it up on purpose. make them kick me out. show my parents i actually couldnt do it. that i wasted time and money. make them cut me off financially and fend for myself. then it wouldnt feel like quitting or running. it would feel like this is how my life is now. this is what i have to do or i’ll drown.

life is really forced upon you. i did not ask for this. i did NOT ask for this. i feel like i cant control anything.

i feel like im lying all the time. lying to everyone around me and to myself.

[baconpal]

since ive been complaining about shit already tonight i might aswell just mention random crap that i’ve been thinking about, but ill spare your dash, feel free to read me rambling about absolutely random shit if you want

first some video game stuff i guess;

the good: I don’t have a switch and still definitely cannont justify getting one yet but woo boy does ARMS look good, i wanna try it, and also splatoon 2, i really liked splats when it was first out, and martyo kart, but its p spensive stuff and im a cheap-ass 

the new thing code vein thing is simultaneous promising and incredibly boring to me, cus anime styled action game with the potential for cute girls to be wielding giant fucking weapons is like, my dream, and the boss designs looked pretty good, if a bit unrelated in the trailer, like the moose knight dude is fucking sick and i wanna use his armor, but then there’s also like, abyssal spear lady miku whose fucking cute, and they’re shown right after each other and it becomes a bit hard to follow, and the story seems to be just fucking dark souls “wah we go hollow and the world is a fuck”, i wish it wasnt that, cus dark souls alone made that setting overused, and while a modern-ish universe certainly sounds nice, it looks fucking bleak and they spend half the video in places that just look like bluer versions of DaS3 areas

the bad: so ive already complained about momodora 4, some people like it for some fucking reason but i dont, and now 5 is happening because they cant just make a new fucking series i guess, and it looks awful, like honestly horrid, its fucking shitty 3d when nobody asked for it, and it’s like, all the worst parts of something like dark souls, and none of the good parts and it angers me to no end that they keep dragging this sorta cute and okay free game series into the mud like this when they could make new games and try new things

the ugly: i never funded or thought about supporting indivisible because i had zero fun with the demo and i never really cared for any of the designs other than the redesigns of other characters from other games, and maybe the big fist girl, who didnt really fit in the style to begin with, but now they’re going and doing major redesigns and model updates that just look stupid and lifeless, like “wah wah diversity” drama aside, that cowboy guy went from a gritty, perfectly decent design to like, fucking nothing, he’s nothing now, i cant even identify him as something because he’s just nothing, and the entire cast seems to have been stretched up for no reason, and now a lot of the interestingly wide characters arent very interesting anymore, im not mad about it cus i never planned on getting it, but as an artist when i see artists take a very solid and nice character/design and just make it fucking awful, it makes me mad, especially cus i’ve seen some artists i used to know do it too, not starting drama or something it just seems pretty dumb to take things that are nice and people like and make them into different things when you could just make a new thing and have both

also uh like my friend showed me this jap band called uplift spice and at first i thought they were meh but i cant stop listening to them now its fucken cute rock stuff and it kills me

now art stuff. these are the things i really wanna talk about but they’re really just me problems so if you’ve already made it this far maybe you’ll care about this random shit

so like commissions have gone decently recently, not complaining about nobody wantin em or something, but for the longest time i’ve had people ask me about commissions, ask if there’s slots open or something, or even straight up say they intend to commission me, and then i’ll never fucking hear from them ever again ever, and like, if you just ask “hey got slots?” doesnt mean i expect you to actually get a comm, but it usually suggests there will atleast be a follow up response like “okay thanks but nevermind” or “ok cool ill be contacting you soon” and then actually following up on it, cus without any closure i just get stressed out thinking about why they never get back to me, are the prices too much? are they worried i won’t accept the comm? did they fucking forget i exist? did they get hit by a car? like even if you fucking told me “nevermind i dont want a comm you’re fucking SMELLY and i HATE YOU” i’d feel better cus at least i wouldnt worry about it for a week or something, none of the people reading this are likely the kinds of people who do this, most of them dont even follow me, but cmon man why you gotta make me worry about this shit

and last thing probably (hopefully jesus what am i even typing all this for) so like now that i’m doin comms more to support my own ass i’m really not pushing for requests in my inbox since a lot of them i’d never do anyway unless i got paid, but at the same time, i really liked drawin the ghost lady for that one ask, cus nobody is ever going to comm me for my own characters unless your one of my super good friends and youre just looking for an excuse to give me money, if you DID honestly comm me my OCs i’d fucking love you that’d be sick, but regardless i think that the only requests ill end up doing anymore are cute megalo1 and 2 ideas or stuff of my OCs, but i dont even know if you guys remember or like any of them, i actually have way more of them than i post because i like to design for fun sometimes, but like other than maybe neon idk if any of my OCs are know to any of my followers other than good friends, so idk if you guys would even care enough to request my OCs, but they’re mine and they make me happy so if you wanna see more of them or ask questions about them or anything, feel free to send me asks or messages or whatever, it’d be cool

so ye that’s all the shit im thinken about right now, if you actually could read all that you’re fucking weird and i like you