#and i dont see many ways to do that without at least a bachelors

[anotherpapercut]

hey what do you do about the intense feelings of dread and anxiety when you think about getting a college degree and also when you think about the alternative (not getting a degree)

[oni-verse]

just here to blab cause i havent been having much fun drawing lately, and ive been sick a lot which is abnormal for me, and i got them chronic headaches,

but at least i can project thoughts on silly gay characters and pretend like theyre the main characters in the shows and movies i watch

reviewing past ideas this week since its nice when i dont have anything else i want to do. its nice to go back and see their beginnings again which is mostly just gil being unreadable and emotionally distant and cas being so desperate to keep gil in his life that he ignores all those red flags & pines painfully.

but i write pretty much everything down, so i have all those random thoughts like Domestic Moment #4306 and What If They Were Strangers, or the alternative, What If They Got Together Much Earlier. yknow how it goes. being my own fanfiction writer.

i like writing gil as being inexplicably alluring and its usually just because of small things like how he talks or his body language, on top of the fact he's tall and hot in a grungy way. and cas, even though he's gil's oldest friend, has such a hard time reading him because of gil's unique brand of being guarded (never being vulnerable or transparent). it all adds to the mystery and people (/cas) wanting to get in close for a chance to figure him out.

even in high school, cas wouldnt always be aware of what was happening in his best friend's life. gil's guardedness manifested in his teenage years as keeping the secret of his father's abuse, whether he was just scared of the consequences of others knowing, or he's embarrassed for his own circumstances, but cas' ability to look closely and be a friend without making gil feel bad about himself is part of why they were best friends. that, and cas being (at the time) a good cishet ally boy that respects his friends ;0

while this isnt what happens in their lil story, i do also like to consider what itd be like if cas was brave enough to recognize/act on the feelings he wouldnt admit he had for his friend, back when they were teenagers. cas thought he was straight for many years after high school, but i could also see a reality where ~ally~ cas becomes "experimenting doesnt inherently mean anything". hehe. would make their separation all the more heartbreaking for lil cas.

then, in a universe where they don't meet until theyre adults with separate lives, how that could look. like because of everything above, maybe it'd be expected that gil wouldn't give a person like cas a real chance, that he'd be especially difficult because the lack of history makes it that much harder to break down his walls. but then, what about exhausted gil, alone for the same reasons as usual, choosing it & all his connections with other people usually not extending beyond a single night. this guy, meeting someone who responds to gil's flirtation without going the obvious route and taking gil home for the same reason as everyone else-- but instead, just talks to him, and is oddly the nicest and easiest person to be around. gil's experiences creating expectations thatre shattered by a lil punky guy who doesn't make gil feel alone or like he's around for only one thing.

commitment-phobe gil meeting cas in his mid 20s and somehow agreeing to a date because his curiosity is honestly piqued by this surprise encounter. it seems like it shouldnt be shocking to have a decent conversation with a decent person, but a messy person can somehow manage to completely avoid any positive people. especially if they surround themselves with stoners, dealers, and club rats.

ive said it before but ig they really do have a "i can fix him" dynamic but it actually sorta works? gil isnt as messy, eventually lol. kinda the point.

but i love a circumstance of a guy being all "i don't do relationships, i don't believe in love, bachelor lyfe 4eva, ima fuck this whole city" and then going completely mushy because someone is patient and committed to him. gotchu now bitch... u DO relationship.. u DO believe in love, you are settling down and fucking one man only. i would say sorry but youre happy now bitch ✋caught in 4k

[tokyogruel]

🎥for the hyperfixation ask? :3

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

MAN THIS IS DIFFICULT,, can i be extra and do one scene per prisoner? im going to GFHJK

it used to be a different scene for haruka, but i started thinking too much about this chair

it has so much weight and focus in his video, i started writing a whole post about it i. (grips my head) i cant think about a chair for an hour straight

the scene where yuno smashes the "rose-tinted glasses"

also there is so much cat stuff in her video. theres no way shes not kazui's daughter. i stand by it

when i first watched this scene it was on a small phone screen, the mound in front of them looked so much like flesh for a moment it gave me shivers

this isnt my favorite scene i just wanted to point out theres a noose next to her ^^

this whole scene leading up to rei's death got me. its just a little wild to me how muu's perspective didnt obscure her crime in any way- we explicitly see her stab rei. for most of the other t1 videos, their murders were(/are) a bit of a guessing game

im still writing my shidou theory i cant stand this man and how much he's occupied my brain. do you know how many fuckin times ive watched triage? like. ????? DO YOU UNDERSTAND

anyway, i dont think he's in a relationship, at least not a committed one. this is shidou's room- it's large and dark and unfurnished. its empty. this is not a house that a wife and children live in- this is a bachelor pad. also this is maybe my fav scene at the moment cause its just eating at my brain. why do you fucking live like this

also me laughing if this is where he got his "wife" from in his memory:

anyway i love his songs, i love him. his videos are boring without the flower symbolism. L

i woke up at 3:30 am to watch this video premiere when i was working a job that i hated and my life was falling apart, this hit me like a truck and i dont think ill get over it<3333 ily mappi youre so interesting but holy shit. you turned my brain into mulch for a week after this. inconsolable

i almost put one of the gif previews for cat here, but i think id rather avoid spoilers atm. the gifs are driving me up a wall though !!!

but ugh this very last moment in half? i fucking love the whole song and video. it's touching, it's soft, the music is beautiful. yes king, put your mask back on. i love a theatre actor

this is here for an observation: all of the other characters hurting amane at this part have the cult symbol clearly displayed on their design (the overlapping clouds) but yuri does not! it's only on his donation box

man i know its a little lame to enjoy the very end of these videos the most but. this scene always fucks me up. dissociating to cope with the hell that her cult puts her through as a child

im not explaining myself here

kotoko eats my brain away i love her and her pack of wolves in her brain. i love you girl. im going to dissect you and your video before deep cover comes out. i promise you.

[quokkacore]

with great power I [lee jeno]

summary: there are two things jeno loves most about his life. one being spiderman, the other being you, his best friend. there’s just one issue: after your father’s death, you decide you hate both spiderman and yourself.

pairing: lee jeno x reader

genre: superhero au, high school au, coming of age, best friends to strangers(ish) to lovers, fluff, ANGST, minor crack

warnings (for this chapter): language, violence, gun violence, the mafia, parental death, police presence, sexual references, bullying (ily san im sorry), the dreamies being dicks to each other, police corruption, towards the end jeno experiences something similar to sensory overload, americanized names, pop culture references, VERY jeno centric

song rec: we go up - nct dream // any song - zico // 21 questions - waterparks // talk (remix feat. megan thee stallion & yo gotti) - khalid // sunrise - ateez // i really like you - carly rae jepsen // dare - gorillaz // stray kids - the tortoise and the hare

word count: 10.5k

a/n: this is so late...... i blame attack on titan. but hey!! better late than never :] a huge thanks to @doderyscoffee​ for beta reading <3

main masterlist // story masterlist

chapter one: jeno and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

Jeno despised Tuesdays. He was pretty sure that Tuesdays despised Jeno as well because all of his worst days just so happen to be Tuesdays. He was 96% sure that, if there was a god, his day off was on Tuesdays, or that the planets aligned in such a manner on Tuesdays that it caused universal despair and misery. If he was to take Donghyuck's word for it, his chakra attracted negative energy the most on Tuesdays.

When Jeno was 5, his goldfish Pippin had died on a Tuesday. When he had his ass handed to him on the playground by San Choi in the third grade, it was a Tuesday. And in the seventh grade, he'd failed his Spanish test, missed his bus and walked home in the rain only to find out that his Aunt Sunny was at work, he'd left his keys in his locker and that had to wait an hour before she got home to unlock it for him, all on a Tuesday. 

And wouldn't you know it, here he was, late for the first day of senior year, which was, of all days, a godforsaken Tuesday.

In his eternal wisdom, he'd stayed up gaming with Renjun until two in the morning, and because of it, slept through his three alarms, one set at six-thirty, the other at 6:45, the last one at 7:00. 

He'd woken up at 7:17, to the sound of his elderly neighbor's pet chihuahua barking at a pigeon, checked the time, immediately panicked, sped into the shower, gotten dressed in a haste, grabbed a few granola bars from the pantry, and ran out the door while trying to jam his backpack closed, and managed to catch the train at 7:40, which took about twenty minutes to get to his stop, plus a ten-minute walk to school, and class started at 8:10. Not to mention he’d have to stop by the office and pick up his schedule. At best, he’d be five minutes late to his first class. But tardies were tardies, regardless, and the last thing he needed was to lose his perfect attendance streak. 

He fished out his phone while standing on the train, waiting for his stop, scrolling through Instagram, and liking random pictures. A ping! from his phone caught his attention, then two, then a third. He smiled softly when your name popped up on his screen.

[7:48 AM]

y/n: pssst

y/n: shithead

y/n: where r u ????

[7:49 AM] 

y/n: i can sEE u online on ig u know

jeno: …… i'm on the train

jeno: woke up late

y/n: YOURE GONNA BE LATR

y/n: LATE*

y/n: ON THE FIRST DAY OF SENIOR YEAR

[7:50]

jeno: probably, yeah

jeno: it's the school district's fault, why would they make the first day of school on a fkn TUESDAY 

y/n: ohhh yeahh its terrible tuesday

y/n: [sent an attachment!]

[7:51 AM]

jeno: SHUT UP

jeno: you're not funny >:(

jeno: how dare you laugh at my misfortune

y/n: au contraire im hilarious

jeno: meanie :(

jeno: im gonna be late i hate it here

jeno: it'll end up on my permanent record and i'm not gonna get into college and then i'm gonna die,,,

[7:52 AM] 

y/n: sometimes ur worse than hyuck i swear 

y/n: FIRST OF ALL permanent records dont even exist !!!!!! its propaganda duh

y/n: also ur literally never late 

y/n: im sure o n e tardy wont do anything chill

y/n: dont be stupid youll be fine

Don’t be stupid. Too little, too late, he thought, already having got off the train at a previous stop. Now, he was looking for an unoccupied street or alleyway, which, for once, was easy, taking a deep breath before he did the exact opposite of what you’d told him not to do. Don’t be stupid. 

The buildings are low, he thought to himself, it’ll be easier to see me. 

Don’t be stupid.

Too late!

Thwip!

Jeno didn’t hesitate to use the web fluid to pull himself up onto the wall, climbing in a haste, before running and jumping onto the next building. He quickly built up a quick pace, using the web fluid occasionally to swing onto a building slightly out of jumping range. 

Signs in English, Chinese, Korean, and Spanish flew past him as he seemingly flew over the Queens traffic, leaving Flushing behind and crossing quickly into College Point quicker than he would if he took the train. He glanced to his left and caught a view of the bay, and far across it, the LaGuardia airport watchtower.

Jeno had lived in New York City his entire life. He knew Queens like the back of his hand, knew every dingy alleyway, every sketchy street, which restaurants to avoid if you didn’t want to get food poisoning, which convenience store aunties were the nicest and didn’t pinch his cheeks too hard. It was his home, and most likely would be for the rest of his life. 

But seeing it like this, flying past him below as he glided with ease from building to building would never cease to be a sight to him. It was like watching from the perspective of an outsider, seeing people in their cars, walking along the street gave him a brand new perspective. A Jeno’s eye view, he called it, since he was pretty sure he was the only one in New York City.

Another noise from his phone brought him back to reality. He shook his head, stopping briefly to catch his breath and fish out his phone briefly. 

[7:57 AM] 

y/n: let me know when u get here !!!

No time to respond, he put away the phone and continued his trek to school. He had less than ten minutes to get there. But he knew he was already at least five minutes away, much quicker than he would be if he had decided to stick to the train. He smiled a bit to himself, feeling ever so slightly smug.

The hustle and bustle of the city definitely proved challenging to find a place to land without many eyes, but he figured it out eventually, landing behind a dumpster in an alleyway behind a restaurant that he knew was about three or four blocks from the school. He figured it would be a lot better to take it on foot from here. The notebooks he was carrying in his backpack bounced up and down with every step he took. 

After what seemed like forever, the gates to the school appeared in his view, and Jeno felt a joy in his heaving chest, something he would have never thought would happen upon seeing the absolute hellhole that was Samuel Morse High School. 

[8:06 AM]

jeno: just did >:D

Picking up his schedule was both quick and insanely long. He couldn’t stop himself from tapping his left foot while the secretary found his schedule and handed it to him. “Kibum, please hurry,” He muttered, and Kibum raised an eyebrow at him, but his gaze was teasing. “That’s Mr. Kim to you, in school at least.” 

He handed Jeno his schedule a few seconds later. “Tell your Aunt to come pick up her casserole dish, by the way. She left it at my house after my last viewing party.”

“The Bachelor?”

“Please. We’re too classy for that. Drag Race.”

“Ah. I see.”

“Jeno,” Kibum said, staring up at him from his desk, his gaze now much more serious, “Get to class. Happy first day of senior year.”

“Thanks, Mr. Kim.”

He managed to make it to chemistry class at 8:09 with seconds to spare. His eyes quickly scanned the room upon entering, hoping his friends were in the class with him. He caught a few familiar faces, most of which, like San Choi's, he wished to avoid. No one paid him any mind. Everyone was still speaking to the people next to them, no doubt exchanging stories of summer vacation. 

  A hand shot up towards the back, waving at him. A smile stretched across his face as he registered your face, feet not hesitating to carry him towards the empty seat next to you. His heart skipped a beat at seeing your smile, and he tried his best to ignore it.

“Hey,” You greeted, “That was fast. I thought you said you were gonna be late.”

Jeno shrugged, eyes landing on the dark shade of the lab table. “The train was a lot faster than I expected, apparently.”

You wrinkled your nose. “Why do you smell so bad?”

“I, uh… ran a little.” 

You grimaced, and Jeno tried to casually sniff at his slightly sweaty clothes. It’s not that bad. “I still don’t understand why you won’t let me drive you to school. You’re literally next door.”

“I don’t know,” He answered, rolling his eyes, “Maybe it’s because when it comes to that truck, you are absolutely insane. You won’t even let me drink water in that thing.”

The truck in question, a faded red 1998 Chevrolet S-10, had been your gift to yourself for your 17th birthday. You’d spent two summers saving up to buy yourself a truck, and that was what you were able to get for what you had. To say it was a huge piece of junk on wheels was an understatement. 

The thing smelled like mothballs no matter how many air fresheners you bought it, the engine sounded like an old man having a coughing fit, and there was a very suspicious stain in the backseat that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times you scrubbed it. But for some reason, you treated it like it was your own baby. The amount of times you’d yelled at Jaemin for trying to put his feet on the dashboard was too high to count.

You mirrored his movement, eyes rolling as you sighed. “At least let me drive you home after school today. Maybe you can stay and we can finally watch Blade Runner.”

You’d been trying to get him to watch the film for almost a month now, begging and pleading because you insisted that he’d love it. He offered an awkward stare, before opening his backpack and pulling out a notebook. “Can’t,” He mumbled, “I’m headed into Manhattan. I have my internship afterwards.”

“Oh, yeah,” You said nonchalantly, eyebrows shooting up as you remembered, “Park Industries.” 

He was about to reply when Mrs. Baker, the chemistry teacher, finally entered. She’d been working at SMHS for 30 years and had never, apparently, been nice, if his Aunt Sunny’s stories were anything to go by. However, she had apparently always spoken as if she smoked two packs a day. She was rambling about the importance of making the most of senior year academically, adult responsibilities, college, and whatnot. You and Jeno exchanged glances often throughout the monologue, hoping it would end soon. 

“Enough of that,” She said after what seemed like an eternity, “Everyone quiet down, I’m going to call roll.”

Names were quickly called, and Jeno was ready to pull out a pencil and start working with you until Mrs Baker demanded a switch in seats, beginning to call on random names in an effort to deter everyone from speaking. 

"Please not with Choi, please not with Choi," Jeno muttered under his breath, glancing warily at San, who was staring ahead, looking bored. 

San had had it out for Jeno ever since day one, in first grade. For some reason, everything Jeno did seemed to annoy the other boy. He wasn't funny enough, or too nerdy, or too quiet. Jeno was always too much or too little for him. 

You touched his forearm, and he looked towards you. 

“You’ll be fine,” You said softly, trying not to alert the teacher, “You’re not gonna get paired up with him, and you can take it to the office if you need to.” “Yeah, because I’m sure Coach Peralta would be thrilled if someone tried to get his precious midfielder in trouble.”

“Choi, San,” Mrs Baker’s voice rang throughout the room, and Jeno braced himself for the worst, eyebrows furrowing with worry. 

“You’ll be sitting with… L/N, Y/N.” 

Jeno’s shoulders slumped, but your face remained impassive. You picked up your stuff, and pouted silently at Jeno in apology, before making your way to the front. 

“Lee, Jeno,” Mrs Baker called a few minutes later, “You’ll be sitting with Jang, Yeeun.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief. Yeeun is nice, Jeno thought to himself, I could sit with Yeeun. She wasn’t part of his main friend group, but he had tutored her in math during sophomore year in exchange for her helping him with Spanish, and they’d been pretty friendly ever since. 

“Hey,” Yeeun greeted as Jeno sat down, and Jeno smiled at her. 

“Remember, these will be your assigned lab partners for the rest of the semester. No changes, no exceptions.” Mrs. Baker sat down at her desk, before beginning to talk about something Jeno didn’t really pay attention to.

You exchanged glances with Jeno, and he gave you a look of sympathy as you gestured at San with your eyes. San was talking to you about something—probably bragging about some soccer achievement—but you weren’t paying him much attention. Jeno swallowed something growing in his throat as he looked at how your hair looked today. 

It was nothing relatively new, the same hairstyle you used on most days. But still, there was a bit of a shine to it. He wondered vaguely if you had changed your shampoo, the other day you’d been complaining about how itchy your normal shampoo made your scalp—

“You still haven’t told her about how you feel?” Yeeun asked quietly, and Jeno’s head snapped back to look at her, eyes wide.

“W-what? Me. Like Y/N…” He laughed nervously, trying to keep his voice down. He scratched the back of his head, avoiding Yeeun’s accusatory stare. “You’re hilarious, Yeeun. Tell another one.”

Yeeun shook her head. “You’d better hurry before someone else snatches her up, Jen. She’s not gonna wait around for you forever.”

 “I don’t like her, Yeeun.” 

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Hey! Jeno Lee!”

“Hey! Jaemin Na! What do you want!” Jeno answered as he sat down, mimicking Jaemin’s tone next to him.

“Well, for starters, a million dollars, and second, a date with Yiren Wang, but I doubt you can help me with either of those, so...”

Jeno glanced at the rest of the table. Along with Jaemin, Mark,  Renjun, Donghyuck, and you were watching the interaction between the pair. “Where are the munchkins?” Jeno asked, noticing Chenle and Jisung’s absence. No one could really call them munchkins anymore. That nickname dated back to middle school, before the two underclassmen had gone through growth spurts.

“Eh, they should be here soon,” Renjun said, chewing on a french fry, “How’s your day been?”

“Pretty good so far, I guess. I got AP Calc with Mr. Washington later, though. That man wants me dead.”

You rolled your eyes. “He doesn’t want you dead. I’m telling you, you and Hyuck have been spending way too much time together. You’re being more dramatic than usual and Hyuck’s being more… weird than usual.”

“And just what is so weird about being enthusiastic about senior year, Y/N?” Donghyuck asked, shaking his head, “It’s our last year in this hellhole, I’m excited that we’re finally getting out of here. And besides—”

“Please don’t bring up the fact that you’re abandoning us next year.” Chenle seemingly appeared out of nowhere, sitting next to Renjun, Jisung following quickly behind him.

“Hi, Sungie,” You said with a smile, and Jisung smiled back. “Hi, Y/N.”

“What were you saying, Hyuck?” Jaemin looked at Donghyuck, who had taken the quick interaction as an opportunity to take a bite of his sandwich. His wide eyes darted to the slim boy, cheeks stuffed with chicken. 

“Oh,” He replied after swallowing, “This is gonna be my year. I’m getting male lead for the winter musical and no one is gonna stop me.”

“Do you even know what musical you guys are doing yet?” Mark asked, “What if it’s like… Shrek?”

Jisung made a face. “There’s a Shrek musical?”

Mark nodded, and Renjun laughed.

“I don’t know about male lead, if it’s Shrek. You should try out for Donkey,” The Chinese boy joked, “With those front teeth, you’re a shoo-in.”

The entire table was silent for a moment, before snorts and chortles started pouring out from everyone except Donghyuck.

“Fuck you, Huang.” 

Renjun flashed the friendliest smile he could muster. “Not if you paid me a million dollars.”

The subject remained on extracurriculars, everyone in your group except for Chenle and Jisung now wary of college applications. Donghyuck had been in theater ever since middle school, Renjun was in the robotics club and the debate team with Jaemin, who was also in the student council. Mark was on the math team with Jeno, and you had founded the film club. 

"You're not gonna believe who asked to sign up for film," You huffed, looking kind of confused. The rest of the table looked at you expectantly, and you pursed your lips, almost as if you were trying not to laugh.

"San Choi."

Renjun scoffed. Jaemin raised his eyebrows before letting out a single, humorless laugh. Jeno made a face, poking his plastic fork at you. 

"What is San Choi doing asking to sign up for film?"

"Fuck if I know. He said he needed one more extracurricular if he wanted to get into some college in Florida and he liked going to the movies, so he wanted to try out film."

Mark rolled his eyes. "I swear there's nothing in that guy's head but hot gas. It blows my mind."

"He's a dick," Chenle grumbled, "I'm still not over how he and Wooyoung taped Jisung to the flagpole last year."

Jisung scowled. "I thought we agreed to never bring that up again."

“Do you think they’ll finally calm the fuck down this year?” Jaemin wondered, looking wistful.

You took a sip of your coke and shook your head. “Doubt it. They’re not the hateful eight for a reason.”

The mood at the table turned tense, until Jaemin frowned at his french fries, before sighing and clapping his hands together dramatically. “I would like to hear,” He mused, “About the nuance that theatre gives the cinematic masterpiece that is Shrek when converted into musical form.”

Donghyuck beamed. “Oh, it’s amazing. You see…”

If it was difficult to get Donghyuck to stop talking in general, it was impossible when it was about theater.

The conversation continued on until the bell rang, and the eight of you had to go your separate ways. Jaemin and Jeno had the same class, so they both walked together down a relatively calm hallway. Jaemin looked both ways, before finally lowering his voice. 

“So, you’re going to see Mr. Park today?”

Jeno nodded, looking down at his shoes. “He said he wanted to give me an assignment. Says there’s something big going on.”

Jaemin’s eyes lit up with curiosity. “Did he say what kind of something?” 

Jeno shook his head, pouting slightly. “I’ll let you know tomorrow.” 

Once school was out, Jeno was getting ready to get onto the subway once again, this time heading towards Midtown. It was only day one and, as Jeno had predicted, Mr. Washington probably was out to get him, because he’d swamped the class with homework.

As he left the school, he spotted you in the parking lot, leaning against your car door, texting someone. He glanced at his phone. He still had plenty of time, he figured. He walked over to you, and when you looked up, you smiled. 

“Hey!” Your voice had that signature tone of enthusiasm to it, and Jeno smiled back immediately. 

“Hello,” He sing-songed. “So, I was thinking… are you free on Friday night?”

You looked somewhere above his head, furrowing your eyebrows before you perked up again and nodded. “Yep! Why?”

“I’m free after nine. Maybe then I could come over to your house? So I can finally get you to stop harassing me about Blade Runner.”

You grinned, pumping your fists enthusiastically. “Hell yes,” You answered, “Do you want me to get like, some frozen pizzas or something?” 

“Pizza sounds good,” He said. “Who are you even waiting for?” 

You made a face that made it seem as if you’d just gotten a whiff of rotten milk. “Well—”

Your response was interrupted when the school doors slammed open, and eight figures poured out, carrying themselves with confidence Jeno both envied and despised. He frowned, trying not to react at their loud whooping and laughing. The Hateful Eight.

“Oh.” Jeno averted his gaze, meeting your eyes again.

“Yeah. If you don’t hear from me later it’s because I jumped out of my truck because I don’t wanna work with—”

“Well, hello, gorgeous!” San’s voice filled the parking lot, and Jeno took a deep breath. Your mouth stretched into a tight-lipped smile at the unwanted ‘compliment’. 

“Hey, San.” Your friendly passive aggressive tone almost made Jeno smile. “I’ve been waiting here for like, fifteen minutes. You could have just given me your number and asked me to send you pictures of my notes, you know.”

He shrugged, turning his body so that his back was turned to Jeno. “Sorry, babe. Coach wanted to talk to us about the upcoming season. When he gets going, it’s hard to get him to stop. And besides, where’s the fun in just asking for pictures when I could come here, talk to you, and take the pictures myself?”

You didn’t respond, but rather pulled out your backpack and began digging through it. When you pulled out your notebook, you handed it to San, who flashed a wink at you. You barely held back a gag. 

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll just be a minute.” 

He walked over to the hood of your truck, and just as you were about to continue your conversation, two figures slung their arms around both of Jeno’s shoulders, causing him to flinch. 

Out of the fifteen soccer players on the team, San and his best friends—seven of them, to be precise—were the worst. The others were pretty nice. But right now, seeing two of those seven surround your best friend made you uneasy. 

Wooyoung was loud. He was also a temperamental brat. His dad owned three used car dealerships over in Brooklyn, so naturally, he thought he owned the entire world. He wasn’t someone who would get too physical in fights, like San, or Jongho, or Yeosang. But when he was angry, he could easily get you to jump into the stratosphere by yelling at you once. Over the years, he’d made several teaching assistants and substitute teachers cry, only getting let off with a slap on the wrist every time. 

 Yunho was terrifying for completely different reasons. He was friendly, but a little too friendly to the people he wanted to control. He could read people like books and could easily manipulate whoever he wanted. But he wasn’t afraid of getting physical either, especially not when he was built like a goddamn Power Rangers Megazord. 

All in all, they definitely weren't anyone you wanted near you, near your friends. Especially considering how much they had it out for your friends. 

"Hey, buddy," Yunho said, looking down at Jeno with a wide smile. "How was summer vacation?"

Jeno gnawed on the side of his cheek as he considered his answer. "Um, it was okay." He looked at you to catch your eyes darting between San, Yunho and Wooyoung, like you were analyzing the situation. "I kinda stayed in and played video games most of the t—"

"Cool, cool," Yunho answered, carding his free hand through his bleach blond hair. "What about you, Woo?"

"Oh, dude, it was so cool," He bragged, "I went to Brazil for like, a month. I went clubbing with Instagram models and shit, it was wild."

You stared at him as he patted Jeno on the back rather aggressively. "Where did you go? Have you ever even left New York?" 

You knew the answer. Only a few times when the debate team went to compete in different states. Jeno spoke up again. "Well, yeah a few t—"

"Doubt it," Yunho scoffed. He craned his head back. "San, you done yet?"

"Almost!" San answered. Yunho turned to face you, and for some reason his smile seemed genuinely kind. “What about you, Y/N?”

You never understood why it was that the soccer team hated your entire friend group, but seemed to tolerate you. It made no sense.

So you shrugged. “Not a lot, I guess. Did my summer reading. Hung out with my friends.” You flashed a reassuring smile at Jeno. “Right, Jen?”

Immediately, he relaxed a little bit. “Yeah.”

San appeared from behind Yunho, Jeno and Wooyoung. “Thanks, Y/N. I owe you one.”

You waved your hand, wanting them to get rid of them quickly. “Don’t mention it. But next time, just text me for my notes. I have to get to work, so…”

“Oh! My bad,” He answered with fake remorse, before unlocking his phone and handing it over to you. “Here. For next time.”

You stifled a deep sigh, punching in the numbers hesitantly. “Just for homework, got it?”

San took his phone back, holding a hand over his heart and raised his head. “On a gentleman's honor,” He declared, and you bit back a laugh. Jeno looked like he was going to hurl.

“San!” The team captain—Hongjoong—called from a few feet away, “Are you guys done yet or what?”

“Coming!” San yelled back.

“Alright, we’ll let you go,” Wooyoung said, patting Jeno on the back again, a bit too harsh for comfort. “Bye, Y/N! See you around.”

 The three of them stalked off, leaving you and a very frazzled Jeno. “Dicks,” You muttered once they were out of earshot. “You good?”

Jeno shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. “I’ll be fine.”

You tilted your head, frowning. “Jeno—”

“I gotta go,” He said quickly. “I’ll see you later?”

You nodded, offering a lopsided smile. “Yeah. Be careful!” 

Jeno offered a deep bow, fluttering his eyelashes. “On a gentleman’s honor,” He sighed, adding a very bad British accent to it. You burst out laughing, eyes squeezing shut.

You didn’t catch the way Jeno’s shoulders relaxed at the sound.

I want you to know now

Baby, it could go down

I don’t wanna talk about it

Baby, let’s just go now

The train ride into Midtown didn’t take too long. He spent it digging through his backpack for his Park Industries lanyard, listening to music and thinking about you.

When you talk right to me 

You gon’ have to do me

Every time you think you’re leaving 

You running back to me

You’d met Jeno when you were six. Truth be told, he didn’t really remember. For him it was like you weren’t there at one point and by the time you were, you were thicker than thieves. It was a difficult time for him. He had just lost both of his parents, and was moving in with his Aunt Sunny and his Uncle Jinki, who were barely out of college at the time. He’d had to move to a new school and basically restart his entire life. You were the first sense of stability in his life for months. 

Your mom lived next to his aunt and uncle. So naturally, you went to the same school and went on the same bus. And somewhere along the way, you two clicked. You’d introduced him to Renjun, Jaemin and Donghyuck. You were there to comfort him whenever he got pushed off the slide by San or Wooyoung. 

He was there for you when your stepdad and stepbrother moved in when you were nine and you weren’t sure how to deal with it. He was there when your mom died when you were thirteen. He’d introduced you and your friends to Mark, Chenle and Jisung. 

And you were there when his Uncle Jinki got killed when he was fifteen. And because fate had an especially cruel sense of irony, it had happened on a Tuesday. You didn’t know, but at the time, he had just gotten his powers. Your comfort and words unknowingly had a secondary effect: he made the decision to use them for good, and… well. The rest was history. 

Can we just talk? Can we just talk?

Talk about where we're goin'

Before we get lost, lend me your thoughts

Can't get what we want without knowin'

Just like when he met you, he didn’t recall an exact moment where he realized he’d fallen in love with you. He knew there was a world where he loved you, but wasn’t in love with you. And he knew that there was a world here he’d fallen in love with you—he was living in that world now. He realized he was living in that world maybe when he was sixteen, and had been stuck in it ever since. 

You were it for him. He’d had crushes before. But never something like this, where he was so aware of your presence around him. It wasn’t the way he was hyper aware of someone like San, or like Yunho or Jongho. It wasn’t out of anxiety or fear, where a shift in mood activated his fight or flight. He was aware of you in a way that only people who truly know each other do, where he could pick up on subtle changes in your behavior, but not out of fear. Rather, out of a desire to take care of you and to not have you worry about anything. 

I've never felt like this before

I apologize if I'm movin' too far

Can we just talk? Can we just talk?

Figure out where we're goin'...

As the train rolled into the station that was a fifteen minute walk from Park Tower, Jeno put away his headphones and took a deep breath.

The “Jeno Tingle” as his Aunt Sunny called it—Jeno hated the term—had taken him a few years to gain control of. And while he could never truly turn it off, he could at least tune it out enough to be more at ease. The only time he did so was at school or when he was studying, just because he wanted to feel normal, and because being aware of everything going on around him really messed with his concentration. 

Jaemin didn’t understand. “If I was able to tell whenever Seonghwa was behind me because he wanted to scare me into doing his chemistry homework, I’d never turn that shit off,” He’d said once. But truthfully, Jeno didn’t really care. Because while yes, he was still slightly scared of the “hateful eight”, he knew damn well that if things got to be too much, he could kick their asses if he wanted to. 

It was his friends he worried about. He couldn’t be around them 24/7. You, not so much. He knew you knew how to fight. Even worse, he knew that San had the hots for you so you were off limits to the rest of them, be it bullying or flirting. But for everyone else… Well. He couldn’t hover over them like some guardian angel. 

Now that the “Jeno Tingle” was on, it allowed him to sense everyone within a certain range around him. He could zero in on certain sounds with ease, and his reflexes became heightened. Halfway on his walk up Park Avenue, he jumped away from a chihuahua on its leash a second before it started barking at him.

When he entered the first floor lobby of the Park Building, he scoured the crowd of employees and visitors until he landed on one familiar face. 

He'd met Doyoung about a year after his dad started dating your mom. Things between your parents were starting to get serious, and Doyoung was four years older than you were. When they moved into your house, Doyoung as your new stepbrother became the de facto chaperone and babysitter. If you wanted to go to the mall with Jeno, he had to take you. Every time you dragged Jeno to the movies, Doyoung had to go also. 

To an extent, it wasn't that bad. Doyoung was cool, and he was smart—he was the one who got Jeno interested in computers and chemistry. He graduated high school at 16, and finished his bachelor's degree at 19. He'd also interned at Park Industries, and secured a job there almost immediately after college. 

To an extent, he was the whole reason Mr. Park knew who he was, because of one incident. It was relatively soon after he started the whole vigilante thing. Jeno, still figuring out how to maneuver on the webs that shot out of his wrists, had accidentally crashed into your backyard late at night, when only Doyoung was awake. He was standing in the back door while he was waiting for his dog to finish peeing. 

Initially, the older boy had freaked out, thinking that it was a burglar or something. When he yelled out that his dad was a cop and was asleep in the house, Jeno panicked, and pulled off his mask, holding up his hands.

“Woah, woahwoahwoah! Doyoung! It’s me, it’s me!” 

Doyoung’s eyes had widened to the size of saucers, paying no mind to the dog as it sauntered up to Jeno, before turning onto its back in a request for belly rubs.

"You're the spider guy everyone's been talking about!?"

"Spider man," Jeno had answered, voice cracking as he dusted himself off. He cringed at the sound of his voice. "...and yes."

Of course, his cover was blown, and he'd begged Doyoung not to tell anyone, especially not you. And while Doyoung had promised not to tell you, it didn't stop him from telling his boss. 

That had been almost three years ago now. The rest was history, and after that Jeno didn’t have to run around in bright red sweatpants and dollar store swimming goggles. Now, he had a nanotech suit that allowed him to activate protocols of the suit through voice commands using something top-secret Mr. Park called D.R.E.A.M technology. Direct Response Engaged As Machine—yeah, Jeno didn’t get it either. 

Doyoung offered Jeno a smile as he escorted Jeno past security, showing them his employee clearance pass. "Hey. How have you been?"

Jeno shrugged, recounting his day in minor detail as he was led into an elevator labeled authorized personnel only. 

This elevator only went up to the 35th floor, seeing as everything past that was only cleared for a certain list of people approved by Mr. Park and his security team, and everything past the 90th floor were Mr. Park's private living quarters. 

Now, as Doyoung led him to another elevator to head up to the 85th floor, which was always where Jeno got to meet with Mr. Park—which wasn't often, maybe once or twice a year—he wondered where he would be if he hadn’t surprised Doyoung that night. He would probably still be using those ugly red sweatpants as part of his disguise.

"How's Y/N?" Doyoung asked. 

"Oh, she seems okay. That guy who hates me keeps coming onto her though. He's a huge douchebag."

Doyoung frowned. "He's not harassing her, is he? Because if he is—"

"He just won't stop flirting, even though she clearly isn't interested," Jeno said bitterly, "He isn't physical or anything. Trust me, it wouldn't end well for him if he was."

Doyoung wasn't quite sure how to respond to the younger boy's dark tone. He looked down, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“So… how’s the apartment?” Jeno asked. Doyoung perked up instantly.

“Oh, now that Taeyong’s moved in and did his interior design thing, it looks great. He’s really done a great job at it.”

“When am I gonna meet this guy? He sounds cool.”

“He’s really cool,” Doyoung hummed, cheeks heating up. “Things are getting really serious.”

Jeno smiled at how flustered Doyoung, who was normally so level headed and calm, became at the mention of his boyfriend.

“You guys sound like a really good couple,” He said. Doyoung chuckled, waving his hand. “Oh, well—” 

 The elevator dinged, and Doyoung sighed. “I’ll tell you later. C’mon.”

The hallway it opened up to was lined with pictures of the company's history, starting from pictures of black and white of people in vintage clothing, to pictures in sepia tones to finally pictures of the current CEO at locations around the world: Chanyeol Park.

Jeno walked behind Doyoung as he led him down the hallway, before stopping in front of a door, and a friendly looking man in a suit. 

Junmyeon was a part of Chanyeol’s Security and Intelligence team, and often sat in on these meetings with Jeno. The chain of contact also included him. If Jeno couldn’t contact Doyoung (which rarely happened), he’d contact Junmyeon. And if he couldn’t contact either of them, or it was an emergency, only then could he contact Chanyeol. So far, that had only happened once.

"Hey, Junmyeon," Doyoung said, "Mr. Park's 4:30 is here." 

Junmyeon nodded, before smiling at Jeno and giving him a wave. "Hey, kid."

Jeno offered an awkward grin. "Hi, Mr. Kim."

Junmyeon rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Kid, you're making me feel ancient. I've told you a million times, just call me Junmyeon."

Jeno shuffled awkwardly, before nodding at the older man, watching as he pressed a button on his earpiece. "Hey, Yeol. Jeno's here."

The muffled response was barely heard, but Jeno automatically understood what Mr. Park said. Junmyeon turned to open the door, and let the pair inside. The “office”—if it could even be called that—opened up to more of a lounge, than anything. A wall of glass overlooked the Manhattan skyline, but Jeno knew that from the outside it looked only like a wall, due to camouflage technology developed by Mr. Park himself. As Doyoung and Junmyeon stayed back, closer to the door, Jeno took a few steps toward the man in question.

Chanyeol was standing a few feet in front of the glass window, working on a holographic model of a new piece of tech. His face was turned downward in a concentrated frown. He barely spared the teenager a glance as he said fondly, “Hey, kid.”

Jeno was used to this. Chanyeol wasn’t cold per se, but he wasn’t warm at all. He knew that Chanyeol cared about him, even if he didn’t really show it in a conventional way. Chanyeol was a very… eccentric man, so he had his own way of saying and doing things. 

“Hi, Mr. Park. Um… you wanted to talk to me?”

“Yep! Needed some help from the friendly neighborhood Spiderman… A little birdie told me about something going on in Queens.”

“Queens?” Jeno asked, gripping the straps of his backpack. “You mean, other than the usual stuff?”

“Other than the usual stuff,” Chanyeol repeated, nodding. With a wave of his hand, the hologram disappeared, and another one appeared in its place. This time, instead of a 3D model, a few pictures and another, smaller 3D model appeared. Chanyeol turned to face him, frown deepening. He pointed at the model—a long, shiny oval-shaped purple stone. It reminded Jeno of an amethyst, but instead of turning white at the base, it turned to an iridescent jade tone. “You know what this is, right?”

Jeno nodded, remembering seeing the rocks all over the news when he was a kid. “That’s… that’s a Chitauri stone. From the invasion a few years back.”

Chanyeol nodded, standing up straight. “These stones have the potential to power weapons with no need to recharge, or change them out. They’re an infinite, extremely strong power source, Jeno, and in the wrong hands can be very dangerous.”

Jeno took a deep breath, feeling his stomach sink slowly. Chanyeol sighed. “Cleanup of the city after the invasion was long, and difficult, and obviously the government and the company weren’t able to get everything. It caused a black market to pop up. Now, the NYPD has been investigating it for years, but they have their limits… that’s where you come in.”

“M-me, Mr. Park?”

Chanyeol gave him a crooked, reassuring smile. He pointed at one of the pictures, which was of a man who most likely didn’t know he was photographed. He was walking somewhere, face looking angry and stern.

“You don’t know who this is, right?”

Jeno shook his head, and Chanyeol turned his head to nod at Junmyeon. “You’re up, tough guy.”

Junmyeon huffed, before walking up to Jeno. He put his hand on Jeno’s shoulder as if he could tell that he was growing anxious. 

“Jeno, that’s Henry Duke. From what we understand on the intel team, he’s one of the cornerstones of the alien tech black market. He’s one of the top dogs. From what we understand, he likes to be present for all major negotiations that his group makes. A source of ours told us that there’s going to be a negotiation on Friday night not too far away from LaGuardia. We want you to go out there and just get a feel of what’s going on.”

“Just watch them, right?” Jeno looked at Junmyeon, who patted his back reassuringly. “Just watch. Don’t engage unless you absolutely have to.”

“You can do that, right?” Chanyeol said quietly, crossing his arms. “Because if not, then it’s totally—”

“Yeah, of course I can! Friday—shit, Friday. At what time are they supposed to be meeting up?”

Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows, before answering, “Around eight or nine.”

Jeno bit his lip, thinking about the promise he’d made to you. It would just have to wait, he supposed. Chanyeol rarely asked anything this big of him.

“Alright,” Jeno agreed, “I’ll do it.”

Chanyeol grinned, clapping his hands together. 

“Perfect.” 

They discussed logistics briefly after. Doyoung would be on call with Jeno, his custom made suit allowing them to communicate, letting Doyoung see everything Jeno was seeing via a video feed coming from the ultra thin lenses placed in the white eye sockets of the mask. Doyoung would then report to Junmyeon, who would report to Chanyeol, who would probably report to the FBI. Jeno was only to engage if absolutely necessary.

After that, he set out on patrol. He usually found some discreet place to hide his backpack, and then went all over Queens looking for trouble, quite literally. Around five thirty, he stopped a robbery in Murray Hill. Then, around seven, he stopped a man from stealing a woman’s purse in Elmhurst. Nothing too much.

Around eight, he finally headed home, this time dressed normally, using the train and not web fluid. He walked home, tired, knowing that he’d immediately have to do that cursed AP calc homework. When he got home, he opened his backpack pocket to look for his keys, rummaging between his notebooks and other things. 

Shuffling through his stuff, he furrowed his eyebrows as he couldn’t find them. Thinking back, he remembered this morning, when he’d left in a rush… and had very obviously left his keys on his desk.

“Shit,” He muttered to himself. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, remembering that Aunt Sunny had said she’d be working overtime tonight. He could very easily sneak in through his window, but he was pretty sure he’d locked it the night before, and it was too early. People’s lights were still on—anyone could see him if they just looked up, and then he would be screwed. 

Huffing and zipping his backpack up, he marched up to your house, before ringing the doorbell. He shifted his weight back and forth, from his heels to the balls of his feet, until the door opened up. A familiar man with a face just like Doyoung's, but older, with graying hair and arms scarred and muscled from years of working on the police force stood in the doorway.

“Jeno?” Your dad offered him a warm smile. “Hey, kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hi, Mr. Kim,” Jeno said, smiling back. He shifted nervously. “I, um… I left my keys in my room this morning, and my aunt’s working late, so… could I… maybe wait here? Y/N’s home, right?” 

The man nodded. “Of course, of course. Come in!” 

Your dad had always been super friendly, even from the day Jeno had first met him. You'd told Jeno once that he was the only real father figure you'd ever had. Once everything settled after him and your mom got married, you started calling him dad altogether. And since you and Jeno were practically glued at the hip, he got along with your dad almost as well as you did.

“Okay.” Jeno stepped in and set down his backpack at the base of the coat rack next to the door, as he’d done a million times before. Jeno stepped into the living room, and sat down on the couch. He folded his hands in his lap and looked up at your dad.

"I think Y/N's in the shower, but she should be done soon. You can just wait here if you want… have you eaten anything yet?”

“Uh, I had a granola bar on the train, but that’s it.”

“We have some leftover pasta here, if you want—”

“Thanks, Mr. Kim, really! I’m fine.”

Your dad nodded, sitting down on his recliner. “So, have you started your college list, yet? Y/N said you wanted to stay here in New York.”

Jeno nodded, pushing some hair out of his face. “Well, yeah. It would make things a lot easier, I think. I might want to apply to NYU, but I think I’ll just go to community college, or something.”

Your dad shook his head. “You’re a pretty smart kid, Jeno. I think you could get into Columbia if you set out to. Plus, Chanyeol Park doesn’t give out internships to anybody. That’s your secret weapon.”

Jeno smiled. “Well, you’ve got a point.” 

Your dad gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “Come on, trying won’t hurt!” Your dad made a face, and then rubbed his knuckles. “Have you been working out? Those muscles weren’t there the last time I did that.”

Jeno laughed, trying to think of an excuse. “Oh, a little bit? The house needed some fixing up over the summer, and I wanted to help Aunt Sunny, so…”

“Jeno?” 

He turned immediately, eyes landing on you at the base of the staircase. You’d changed into an old t-shirt and pajama pants. Your hair was slightly damp. “What are you doing here?” You asked, with a curious smile.

His shoulders slumped, and he grinned sheepishly. “Terrible Tuesday strikes again. I forgot my keys.”

You grimaced. “Brutal, dude. You wanna come up?” Your eyes moved to your dad. “Or am I interrupting guy time?”

“Oh, definitely,” Jeno answered, playing along. He took a cocky tone as he rested his hands on the back of his neck. “Your dad was just telling me about how much the NYPD needs me.” 

You stifled a laugh. You dad seemed to be holding back a laugh too. "Hey, you're joking, but if you keep working out like that, and if by some impossible chance, the college thing doesn't work out… We might just be able to catch Spiderman if we finally got some brain cells on the force."

"Ugh, dad," You groaned, unaware of Jeno's gut twisting, "Not again."

"Yeah, Mr. Kim," Jeno said, scratching the back of his head, "He's not that bad."

Your dad shook his head. "Look, I don't hate the guy. In all honesty, crime rates have dropped since he started doing his thing. But he thinks he's above the law, and his methods can be a bit… unorthodox sometimes. He’s been undermining us for years and his tech is state of the art. Makes me wonder about what we should do to modernize the force."

Jeno looked downward, wondering what would happen if your dad knew the truth.

"Well, I guess we may just never find out. Jeno'd make a horrible cop. He couldn't hurt a fly if you paid him a million dollars."

But you came to the rescue as you grabbed his backpack, and soon enough he was up the stairs with you, heading into your bedroom, laughing to yourselves when you heard your dad jokingly call out, "Fifteen inch distance, you two! Door stays open!"

He sat on your desk chair while you lay on your bed, limbs splaying out. 

"So you left your keys."

Jeno groaned. "Don't remind me. I was in such a rush to leave, that I… I forgot. I'm so stupid."

You rolled your eyes, rolling over onto your stomach to look at him. "You're not stupid, Jen. You made an honest mistake because you were in a hurry." 

Standing up, you walked over to him and leaned against the desk. "Seriously, Jeno. What's gotten into you, lately? You freak out about every little thing. It's starting to worry me." 

Jeno shook his head. "I don't know," He admitted. "I think I'm just scared about how after this year, everything changes. Renjun’s headed upstate. Jaemin’s going to Boston. You want to go to LA. I think Hyuck and I are the only ones who want to stay here. I just… I don't want things to change." 

Your expression turned sad as he continued. "Everyone is expecting great things from me. You're smart, Jeno. You can get into an Ivy. Or, you have a Park internship, you'll be fine. What if I don't want things to be fine? What if I want them to just stay the same?"

You stayed silent for a few moments, trying to think of what to say. Jeno was relatively level headed for someone your age, but even he had moments of doubt and panic. It made moments like these difficult.  You sighed before grabbing him by the hand. Wordlessly, you tugged him over to the bed, sitting him down and leaning your head on his shoulder. He could feel the dampness in your hair seeping slowly into his shirt.

"I guess I understand what you mean," You mumbled, trying to reason with him, "But come on. You wouldn't really want everything to stay the same. You can't tell me you want to keep getting AP calc homework. And I definitely doubt that you'd want to have your ass kicked by San for the rest of your life."

Jeno looked at the floor. "You're right. But you know that's not what I mean—"

"I know," You huffed, "I'm just saying. Change… it's inevitable. The longer you fight it, the harder it is."

Jeno nodded. "This sucks."

"It does," You agreed, taking his hand in yours. "But at least we have each other's backs, y'know?"

Something of a smile appeared on his face. You were so close to him, leaning on him, stroking his knuckles with your thumb. He hoped you couldn't hear his heart pounding in his chest. 

"We really do, huh?" His voice turned quiet, with a bit of a sleepy lull to it. He allowed his head to rest on yours. "You're so comfortable. Can I like, use you as a pillow for the rest of my life?"

You giggled. "I'll consider it on two conditions."

"Oh, you'll consider. How generous of you."

"Yes, I'll consider. Now, do you wanna hear my terms or not?" 

Jeno raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead," He said, before putting on his best Marlon Brando voice, "Make me an offer I can't refuse."

Snorting, you lifted your head off of his. "Okay. One, you finish your calculus homework here before Sunny gets home."

He pursed his lips. "Okay, I could probably do that. What's the other one?"

"Let me drive you to school for the rest of the year." 

Jeno stared at you, and you nodded, eyes wide. "Trust me, Jen. You wouldn't need to wake up so early! And plus, you can't text the guy manning the subway asking him to give you five minutes because you need to find your keys."

Jeno gnawed on the inside of his cheek. You did have a point, and to be honest, he could probably refrain from putting his feet up on your dashboard.

"Deal." 

You grinned. "Awesome," You answered, before nodding towards his backpack. "Now get to work, Einstein."

The rest of the week wasn't that bad. Yes, you were absolutely batshit insane about your truck in the morning, but he soon realized he didn't really mind. Not when it allowed you both to spend some twenty extra minutes together in the mornings, and they were spent joking around and listening to your extremely varied playlist. 

On the other hand, he was saddled with more and more homework, greater and greater expectations. The looming threat of Friday's mission rolled around, and it made Jeno feel like time was passing much too slowly but also way too quickly. There was so much on his mind. He had chemistry with you on Thursdays in the afternoon, which also meant that San was there. Which also meant that sometimes, his heightened senses would pick up on San dropping a tacky pick up line which made Jeno want to punch him in the jaw.

Finally, finally, Friday afternoon rolled around. As he bid you goodbye and promised to see you later, he tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach. The feeling that something was about to go very, very wrong. He went out on patrol, ready for Doyoung to set up the call and tell him where he needed to go. It didn’t help that there wasn’t a lot for him to do that day. Crime had seemed to slow down altogether. 

When the time finally came, and the sun was beginning to set, Doyoung rang in at about 7, telling him the location. An old warehouse near LaGuardia airport, hidden from prying eyes. Jeno made his way to the place, avoiding security cameras Doyoung warned him about, and found a place to hide. There was a hole in the warehouse roof, which allowed him to peer right into the building without being seen. It was about thirty feet from the ground.

“Why is it always old, abandoned warehouses?” Jeno grumbled. He heard Doyoung laugh quietly. 

“Beats me,” Doyoung sighed. 

And so they waited. Jeno wondered vaguely if you were still working. He wasn’t sure. They made time talking quietly, until a black SUV rolled into the warehouse. “Woah, Doyoung,” He murmured, “Hold up.”

Jeno leaned forward, but quickly realized he probably wouldn’t be able to hear what was being said. “D.R.E.A.M, activate Heightened Intelligence Protocol.”

Activating Heightened Intelligence Protocol.

The protocol allowed Jeno to use the lenses over his eyes to zoom in on specific targets, as well as use a microphone embedded in the suit to pick up audio from far away and feed it directly into his ears.

He watched as three figures got out of the car, a fourth remaining in the driver’s seat. The trio stood in front of the car, and Jeno recognized the man in the middle as the man Junmyeon had been talking about.

“Alright, there’s Henry Duke,” He said, “The one in the middle.”

 “Got it,” Doyoung replied, sounding satisfied. “Now all we have to do is wait for the other party.”

“Did Junmyeon’s sources say anything about who it would be?”

“No. They weren’t able to find that out. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Jeno’s eyes never left the man. “Do you think it’s something international?”

Doyoung sighed. “I’m not sure. If it is international, then you need to be even more careful.”

“Got it. I think—Wait, here they come.” 

A second vehicle, this one another black SUV, rolled up not too far away from the first car. The lights turned off and the engine sputtered to a stop, and four men stepped out of the vehicle.

Jeno’s stomach dropped, and of its own accord, his mouth let loose a quiet, “What the fuck,” as he registered the person leading them. 

“What?” Doyoung asked, before realizing what—who—he was looking at. “...Is that my dad?”

“I think it is,” Jeno whispered, fingertips suddenly numb. Who was he kidding? They both knew who it was. 

“So,” One of the men next to your dad said, “You show us yours, we’ll show you ours?”

Henry Duke clapped his hands together with an impish grin. “I suppose. Reagan, get the case.”

One of the two men standing beside him started off toward the trunk of the car. “It caught me off guard when I heard that the force wanted to purchase these. Almost made me wonder if this was your attempt at a sting operation.”

“What made you change your mind?” Your dad asked. Jeno swallowed at how cold he sounded. This wasn’t your dad, and it didn’t seem like Officer Kim either. This was someone Jeno had never met before. 

“Honestly, Kim?” Duke raised an eyebrow, shrugging. “It was you. Your cooperativeness and willing to feed us information, as well as your… insurance agreement. And besides, you made a very interesting point when you said that the Avengers Initiative and Park’s alum Spiderman is ruining the way the law operates around here. That type of bitterness… hard to fake.”

Your dad huffed. “We’re fucking tired of it.”

The man leaning against the car your dad had stepped out of scoffed. “If this helps us catch the little asshole, then so be it.”

Jeno frowned. “I’m not little—”

“Jeno, shut up!” Doyoung snapped. 

“—Alright, then.” The man holding the briefcase—Reagan—clicked it open, as if it were a prize reveal on The Price is Right. Five guns, all modified to hold glowing Chitauri stones were placed carefully together side by side.

“You know the basics. No radiation. Keep it away from security scanners and x-rays. They will blow up. And second of all, these are at half the price, along with the promise from the chief of police that my business won’t be touched, and will only be distributed to officers in on the operation and have agreed to turn off their body cameras when they decide to use these weapons. Should this not be a sting operation, we’ll be back here to negotiate.”

Jeno leaned forward, watching anxiously.

“Yes, sir,” Your dad answered, nodding. “We have the money here.”

“Hand it over, then.”

That was when Jeno made his mistake. He leaned forward too much, and proceeded to fall right through the hole, bringing down some scraps of the roof with him. As he tumbled through the air, the zoom on his lenses caused him to grow dizzy as he had no idea what he was looking at. He caught himself before he could fall, clumsily commanding D.R.E.A.M to go back to turn off the current protocol. His vision returned to normal, and he swung up onto a rafter holding the warehouse up.

“So, we have company.” Duke didn’t sound as amused as he had before. His face turned into a sneer. “Get him.”

In less than a second, before Jeno could say anything, five guns were pointed directly at him. He managed to swing away before any bullets could hit him. 

“Jeno, get out of there now,” Doyoung ordered. 

“What about the guns?” Jeno asked, swinging to another rafter. “They know I’m here, I might as well get them before I go—”

“No! Jeno, listen to what I’m telling you. You’ve done more than enough, and you need to let it g—”

Your dad aimed, and a bullet fired right at Jeno’s chest. For a second, he forgot that the chest area of the suit was lined with bulletproof material. While it didn’t shoot into his chest, it ricocheted right off him, and since he was in motion, it somehow caused the bullet to bounce back in the direction in which it came. 

The wind was knocked out of Jeno, but it was nothing compared to watching the bullet land in the middle of your father’s chest. On the other line, he heard Doyoung yell, followed by the sound of something falling. And then, as he made his way back towards the hole he’d fallen out of, he couldn’t rip his eyes away from the body as it crumpled to the ground. 

The others around him scrambled to get back into their respective cars. Jeno was back on the roof now, trying not to hyperventilate. “I’m sorry,” He gasped, “Do—Doyoung, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to—”

“Jeno, you need to get out of there, now,” Doyoung said, voice raspy. “GO!” 

So he did, and Doyoung cut off the call once he was out of the vicinity. Jeno didn’t blame him. He swung across buildings, feeling numb as he looked for the apartment complex roof where he’d decided to hide his backpack.

When he finally did, he changed in a hurry, before slumping against the wall and forcing himself to take deep breaths. 

Doyoung’s dad—your dad—was dead. And it was all his fault. 

He cried on the way down the staircase. He cried on his way to the subway. The entire time, he ignored people’s stares. Suddenly everything was too loud, and if he met someone in the eyes he’d just about break down in the middle of the station. 

As he got onto the train, Jeno thought about all of the things your dad had done for you, and for Jeno. All the times he'd taken you both to Coney Island in the summer when you were younger. The year Pokemon Go came out he took the both of you driving around in his car so you and Jeno could catch as many Pokemon as you could. 

He’d formally adopted you when you were thirteen. You were his daughter in nearly every sense of the word, regardless of blood. And now he was dead, because of a stupid mistake that Jeno had made.

What would you say if you knew? He didn’t want to know. Checking the time on his phone, he saw he’d gotten a message from you just three minutes ago.

[8:36 PM]

y/n: lemme know when ur outside!! :)

“Fuck,” He murmured, wiping his eyes. He knew he needed to stop crying before he got to your house, and he had about ten minutes before he got to his stop, and then another five minute walk to the neighborhood. He focused on taking deep breaths and taking long swigs from his water bottle in the meantime, trying to tune out the sound of other people talking and the sound of the train on the rails.

The walk was the longest five minute walk he’d ever taken. The flashing lights of convenience stores did nothing to calm him down. As the stores in his peripheral vision began transitioning into suburban homes, he felt his heart speed up again. The constant movement as he walked meant he missed his phone vibrating in his backpack as you rang his number.

After what seemed like an eternity, two familiar houses came into his line of vision, and his shoulders slumped as he spotted you on your porch, looking small and teary, curled up into a little ball. In one hand, you were clutching your phone.

His stomach twisted as he put on a confused tone, even though he knew damn well that you knew. “...Y/N?”

You stood up, running to him and burying yourself into his chest, crumpling into his arms. You would have fell over if Jeno hadn’t held both of you up. 

“Jeno,” You sobbed, “You’re n-not go-onna believe it.”

He brought a hand up to caress your hair, holding back tears of his own as he asked a question he already knew the answer to.

“Y/N, what happened?”

taglist: @decembermoonskz @itsapapisongo @lenaluvs​ @crescentjen​

[chellestrash]

Casual!Neil Headcanons

warnings: mentions of sex

authors note: okay christ, finally! I promised these headcaonons some time ago so im really sorry im just posting them now. I dont have much time to write since my bachelor's degree prep is taking most of my free time right now. Im not sure how I did with these I hope you’ll enjoy this and please let me know if you did.

Thank you all for your support and patience, I appreciate it a lot.

- Neil would never complain about what he does for a living, but saving the world from the potential threat of world war 3 and other disasters does get a bit tiring after a while

- So as much as he appreciates his work, he enjoys his downtime a bit more

- You usually spend your time off together, enjoying each other's company when you don't have to worry about running around the world and reversing yourselves for some bizarre reason.

- On the days he's not needed at Tenet, he never puts his suits on.

- He's a hoodie and sweatpants kinda guy but not many people know about it.

- Not many people get to see that side of him.

- But you do.

- You like seeing him relaxed like this, in his a bit oversized hoodie you plan on stealing later.

- In his loose trousers that seem to be at least 15 times more comfortable than his formal trousers.

- You usually spend a lot of time together during those days.

- Sometimes you go out, on walks, trips, sometimes even bike rides.

- And other times you just stay inside for a while, together.

- Neil cooks, and he's good at it, he knows it but won’t admit to it, definitely not in form of you.

- He finds joy in surprising you with different interesting dishes from time to time but what he enjoys most is seeing your reaction when he prepares your favorite food.

- Hot tea is an essential part of his day.

- He's not much of a coffee guy but yes, tea?

- You stopped counting how many cups he can drink per day.

- His favorite past time activities include reading, cooking, and playing chess…with himself

- You still find it funny sometimes but more so just extremely impressive.

- You did manage to put his own spin oh his hobby and nude chess became a thing you two did quite often.

- „It's a pleasure for both your body and soul.” He says. sitting on the couch without his shirt on as you sit on the floor in your underwear and try to focus on remembering who’s turn was it.

- Ask him to prepare some drinks and the fun usually lasts the whole evening.

- His mornings off are usually very calm and slow.

- You both wake up usually around the same time and get the kitchen together.

- You often help him around the kitchen, it's nice, you enjoy it.

- He prepares your breakfast and you prepare his.

- It's just one of the things that came naturally to you two.

- It's like a little gif for each other early in the day.

- On some days tho, he liked to sleep in.

- He enjoys staying in bed with you for a while.

- You lay together, cuddled up together.

- You mumble a quiet „morning” as he strokes your head softly.

- „Do we have any plans today?” You ask and he switches his position to wrap his arms tenderly around you.

- He pulls you in closer and buries his face in the nape of your neck.

- „Plan is, whoever leaves the bed first, has to wash the dishes from yesterday.”

- „Right, what if I have to shower?”

- „I don't care love.”

- „What if I tell you I have to shower and ask you to come with me?”

- Before you know it he carries you staring to the bathroom.

- He enjoys morning sex for sure.

- „If we're not counting breakfast, this might be my favorite way to start the day.”

- Later he often enjoys naps (I mean come on have you seen how sleepy he was in the movie?!)

- Sometimes he falls asleep while you two are watching a movie, and very often, he was the one who picked that movie in the first place.

- The evenings he prefers to spent inside.

- Sure he’ll go out from time to time, he'll have a few drinks and some fun but he does enjoy spending time alone, or alone with you a bit more.

- He often stays up for a long time, reading a book in bed.

- You woke up to him reading at 2 or 3am more time than you probably remembered.

- You don't want to disturb him because you know how much he enjoys this but at some point, you sit up on the bed next to him.

- „Is a good read?” You ask and he snaps out of his thoughts immediately.

- „What time is it? …shit.” He looks at the clock „How did I do that again?”

- You shrug with a small smile and he outs the book away quickly.

- „Right, come on, you should get some sleep love.”

- He pulls you close so you can rest your head on his chin and turns the night light off.

- „If ill sleep in tomorrow ill tell John it was your fault.”

[atissi]

What advice would you give someone who wants to play Pathologic but is also terrified of screwing up really badly because I've played just enough of it to feel like there's no way I can succeed without looking stuff up but I don't want to do that! Just basic tips and/or reassurances if you have any?

Updated: Feb. 27 2021 (since I've finished and am replaying P2)

See, the thing about Pathologic is that it’s not possible to “succeed” like you do in other video games. There’s no happy ending for everyone. In the same sense, you can’t really fail. The game accommodates a wide variety of deaths and mistakes—even in Pathologic Classic HD, you can get a character's ending if you hoard enough medicine by the end of the 12 days, no matter how many people get sick or die. In Pathologic 2, everyone can die, but you’ll still be able to get an ending. Even some of the "bad" endings are fun in their own right. Sometimes, the game will reward you with more content because you failed in the first place.

All that being said, I totally relate to your fears. I’ll start by talking about Pathologic 2 first, since I’m more familiar with it. Then there will be some tips on playing Pathologic Classic HD.

Pathologic 2 is incredibly punishing, both emotionally and mechanically. I’ve seen people adapt to this through 3 different playstyles. I’ll rank them in terms of “least close to the intended gaming experience” to “most close”.

1. Just cheat.

“wrt cheating, as a notorious cheater, id recommend trying to do the game as legitimately as possible regardless! if there are some aspects that you absolutely do not vibe with, even with reduced difficulty (for me that's hunger mechanics), i would say that you can load in items to mitigate this aspect. and, tying in with the second point, if you complete a run this way you can always go back and try it legitimately since you've (sort of) gotten an understanding of the mechanic.” - Onion

If you have really bad anxiety, or just dont have the time available to do the other playstyles, cheating is a way to engage with Pathologic 2′s excellent story. Fiddling with the difficulty controls is allowed. Spawning in endless food for yourself is possible. I can even get you in touch with someone who uses cheat codes in the game regularly to get game assets. If changing the game is what it takes for you to get through it, I think it’s better than nothing. But I’d personally at least encourage you to try an Imago playthrough first. Decide if it’s too difficult for you after that. And again: Pathologic 2 is constantly trying to trip you up. It’s meant to be difficult. Sometimes you’ll fail and the game won’t tell you if you could have prevented it. Just keep going. But like Onion said, cheating works as a supplement.

2. Replay, replay, and replay, until you get it right.

“You can always replay. You have more time than they do. Also save states are your friend.” - Alex

“reload as much as possible, do NOT look things up. your first playthru WILL be bad, and thats good!!! experience it fully yourself first. [and] “reload as much as possible” meaning like: [it] isnt a crime, you can do it as many times as possible. but dont get stressed about doing everything perfectly. its an experience!!!” - Zee

There’s no penalty for using your save states. If you get stuck in a death loop, go back as far as you need to in order to get things right. Hopefully this means starting a day over and using your time more effectively. Personally, I got to Day 7 before realizing I had to restart from Day 1, because I was doing that badly. Trust me, if you’ve gotten one miracle cure and 10 bottles of water by then, you’ll be doing better than I was. My friend Bee had trouble too, and took 92 hours to finish their first playthrough. A replay playstyle takes a LOT of time. But Pathologic 2 is so rich in content that replaying isn’t even as annoying as it could be. And this is also the best way to complete as many quests and save as many people as you want. Whenever you’re scared, just remember: you can always go back on your choices! (Other than the theatre’s death penalties. But nothing can help you with those.)

3. Just go through it.

Again. You’re not supposed to succeed in Pathologic. In the words of the lead translator Kevin Snow, “…I know [Pathologic 2’s] script and this is different from other games: there’s so much story locked behind failure and death. You’ll die, and you can’t save everyone. That doesn’t gate you from story; it gives you more. Resist, survive, but continue.” It’s only when you’re suffering that you experience the story so viscerally. That’s when the choices mean something. Sacrificing your own health or the health of others–saving tinctures for yourself, breaking into houses, killing people, choosing not to help people because you just don’t have time–these are impactful because you’re experiencing the mechanical repercussions of your actions. You are not a removed arbiter of the Town’s suffering. Everyone in Pathologic is having the worst 12 days of their life, and you’re dying right alongside them. Spoilers for Day 4, but I don’t think visiting the Rod and seeing the Tragedians would have affected me so deeply if I wasn’t actively starving for the entire sequence. It served as a reminder that I wasn’t the only one in pain; it was heart-breaking and heart-warming. Which I think is Pathologic at its core.

Try to see your failures in the game as another form of success. You’re experiencing the game as it’s meant to be played. And when you feel bad about all the people you’ve failed, remember that this is all a play. The game knows it’s artificial. You can replay the game after you finish–and feel free to use cheats or lowered difficulties on a replay–in order to get everything right. Your mistakes aren’t permanent! But on a first playthrough, try to tough through the hardships. You’ll have a more fulfilling time.

Other tips

You can use these 3 playstyles in combination if you need to. I let myself die when I feel like I deserved the punishment, or reload when I feel like I don’t. Bee managed to finish Day 11 by lowering the game difficulty in the final stretch. Just approximate the intended gaming experience as much as you can.

As for gameplay guides, I don’t think anyone I’ve met recommends it (at least for Pathologic 2). The game does interesting things with when and where it reveals information to you, often in ways that are deliberately inconveniencing. You want to experience that on your own. I also think Pathologic 2 is relatively good at telegraphing mechanics or quests. compared to Patho Classic. That said, I do have tips that I wish I knew before playing:

Sprint everywhere. I know the town is beautiful. But you’re on a hell of a time crunch. If you finish your quests early you can forage or trade for more resources, or just bottom out your exhaustion bar. Sprinting does not make your exhaustion go up faster, and water is plentiful in the first few days. Just do it! Save your own time!

Save a lot. Even if you’re not gonna die on your way in and out of the Broken Heart, this game is chock-full of choices, down to the resource management. If you waste a swig of twyrine, you’ll want a good save point to reload at. You can load any save point in your timeline, so save as often as you want. Keep track of where clocks are on the map--the game tags these in the building descriptions. (For that matter, keep track of where beds are. I didn’t realize I could sleep at Vlad Sr.’s place, which made me waste SO much time travelling between the Shelter and the Lair.)

Learn the trading economy. Everyone holds items at different values. Even the kids value certain nuts over others. There are also some interesting conversion rates between items, like peanuts to soap to pemmican. Make the most of the items you’re bartering. And for that matter, try to build up a cache of items valuable to little girls, in case you find one with a schmowder. The kid’s caches are valuable for trading too: twyrine can show you the locations.

This is also a good spoiler-free guide to Pathologic 2′s mechanics.

For Pathologic Classic HD, I haven’t personally played it, but I’m under the impression that it’s easier than Pathologic 2 because there are less character perma-deaths and no death penalties. The advice about reloading still applies. Here’s what Ally says:

“id recommend using a spoiler free guide (Bachelor, Haruspex, and Changeling guides) but other than that read the diary and letters carefully and try to keep track of npcs that could be affiliated with quests. also! some quests have different options for endings so there could be multiple ways to complete them. stock up on food on the earlier days, and after the inquisitor arrives because the prices drop. try to stealth kill with melee weapons when you can, and also reserve your bullets. …also make sure to trade with the children a lot! hold onto objects like the hooks and flowers [to get schmowders. Like I said before, to win the game you only need enough cures to heal the Bound.] …another tip is to keep a pen and paper around to take notes. like when i got the tincture recipes instead of keeping them in my inventory i just wrote them down.”

And that’s it! If you need specific advice or clarification, feel free to DM me! I love talking about this game. I can also get you in touch with anyone mentioned in this post (except Kevin Snow LMAO). Pathologic has an amazing story and I want everyone to experience it!!!

[shadedrose01]

La Vie en Rose

Ship: Parkner (Harley Keener/Peter Parker)

Summary: Parkner, but with The Batchelor, because I said so

Tags: Febufluff, Day 13, bouquet of roses, Roses, the bachelor - Freeform, Harley is the The Bachelor, And Peter is a contestant, Bisexual Harley Keener, I love how thats not even a real tag LMAO, Bisexual Peter Parker, Love at First Sight, First Impressions, Good first impressions, First Impressions Rose, Fluff, Why Did I Write This?, The Author Regrets Everything, Boys In Love, Happily Ever After

Day 13 of Febufluff: "Bouquet of Roses"

Author Note: I'm considering writing a Flower Shop AU as an extra fic for this day if I have time. If that's something you guys want to see, let me know! :)))

--

Harley doesnt know why he decided to do this stupid show. He huffs in annoyance as his appointed hair stylist starts playing with his hair again, like the first twenty times she had done it wasn't good enough, trying not to duck away from her hands. Because that would be considered rude, seeing as he chose to be here.

On set. Surrounded by cameras. On the Batchelor, of all shows. Really, why couldn't he have signed up for Survivor, or Big Brother, or something? Why did he have to choose the one where he had to dress up, and put on an act? Why did he have to choose the show about love?

Because he's a hopeless romantic who's been alone for way too long and is started to become extremely desperate? Because he just wants to find the one for him without going through another thousand assholes and heartbreaks? Because he's just trying so hard for people who don't even want him?

His face scrunches up as he glares at the bouquet of roses placed beside him, something he's supposed to give to someone who makes the best first impression or something, ignoring the team around him as they pick at his clothing just it's just right, perfect for the cameras, perfect for his suitors, who are going to be walking through those doors right in front of him in about 2 minutes and give him plastic smile, fake personalities just as he is going to give to them. Because they dont want the real Harley, the nerdy, clumsy guy who stumbles over his words and rambles about the things that he likes, who's normally an introvert and adores his days staying indoors with a good book and a movie, oh no no no. These people, they want the image of Harley Keener, the rich, strong, tall, perfect man who could do no wrong, and who is always romantic, always outgoing, always on.

God, why is he doing this? Why did he decide to do this? He's never going to find anyone real on here, and he's just going to get his heartbroken again, and make a fool of himself, this time it'll just be on live television for everyone in the world to see-

The producers start to count down, and the red light starts to flicker on the cameras, so Harley's plasters on a big, handsome smile, even if he has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

The first person out is a nice woman named Macy. She's pretty, kind and soft spoken, but her smile doesnt reach her eyes, and those very same eyes flicker over Harleys body way too many times as they talk, that when she finally walks away, Barley feels a little frazzled. A little objectified. He feels like he should get used to that.

After that, there's a man named Bryan and another woman named Suzie. They were  both nice people, and both easy on the eyes, but still, there wasn't a connection to either of them, they weren't what Harley was looking for. He didnt know what he was looking for, really, but it wasn't them. At least, Harley didnt know, until another man steps out after Suzie steps away.

Harley looks up, planning to plant another painful grin on to his face until he freezes, his heart stopping in his chest. Woah. His chestnut hair is slicked back, with one stray curl falling into his chocolate brown bambi looking eyes, wide and full of glee and a trace of hope, a wide smile on his face pushing up his thinner lips and lightly freckled cheeks, shining with the faintest hint of makeup. His jaw is so chiseled, and his shoulders are broad, and holy moley Harley cant breathe. He feels weak in the knees, staring at what has to be a Greek God, ethereal in his beauty, and completely missing whatever he just said.

Harley blinks down at him (he's shorter than Harley by a few inches, just his Harley likes it, god is he perfect?), knowing hes gaping at the man who's now staring back at him with a flicker of amusement in his eye, like he knew Harley didnt hear a word he just said. "Uh, I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

Peter's grin widens, like he confirms his suspicions, and holds out his hand again. "I said," he emphases teasingly, his gorgeous, twinkling eyes full of mirth. "my name is Peter Parker. Nice to meet you."

Harley shakes himself out of his stupor, and shakes the man's hand firmly, confidently. "Harley Keener."

The twinkle in Peter's eye grows. "I know."

'Of course he would know, you're the batchelor, dipshit.' Harley berates himself, wincing a little externally, taking a deep breath and smiling sheepishly, trying to pull himself back together. "Sorry. I'm not normally like this, uh." 'Dont start rambling, dont start rambling,' "What are some things I should know about you?" Harley flinches again at the terrible wording of the phrase he was told to say, but Peter just laughs lightly, apparently taking it all in stride.

"Well," his voice is so soft and silky, and Harley is gone for him, oh no, this is so bad- "I'm 23," 'so we're the same age, that's good, cross that off the list,' "I have a bachelor of Biochemistry at MIT, and going for my Masters soon." 'smart, intelligence is sexy, another checkmark there,', "I'm a dog person, but I love all kinds of animals," 'I've always wanted a dog, check', "and I love going out, but I also enjoy indoor time, just relaxing and doing nothing." 'Check, check, and check, perfect, he's actually perfect, I don't understand, what the heck-'

"What about you?" Peter breaks through his box, still grinning that stunning, toothy grin of his, and normally, Harley would lie, say hes an outgoing guy that loves to go out on the town, say that he loves to go out on dates and go out to parties, anything to sweep them off their feet. But he doesnt want to do that with Peter, doesnt feel like he has to with Peter, so he blurts out the truth before he can think.

"Pretty much everything you said." He chuckles awkwardly, partially dropping his act as he rubs at the back of his neck. "I'm also 23, got a bachelor's in Engineering, work full time, I love animals too, and always wanted to have a dog." Peter's grin softens, turning into a warm smile as he listens that has Harley's heart warbling, making him relax even more. "I love movie days, and am pretty much a really big nerd."

Peter brights at that. "Me too! What's your favorite movie?"

Harley ponders on that for a second, while simultaneously wondering how he's gotten this lucky, 'this stupid show is actually working?' "Probably Indiana Jones, though Star Wars comes in a close second."

"Dude, I love Star Wars! Oh," Peter looks cheeky, his eyes wide and shining with excitement. "Harrison Ford fan?"

Harley can't help but to smile back, Peter's radiating positive energy infectious. "You bet. One of the best actors of our time. Who's your favorite character??"

They keep talking for a while, longer than he normally gets with the contestants, before the crew is ushering Peter away, needing to make time for the others in their busy schedule, and Harley looks over his shoulder, staring after him with warmth unfurling in his chest.

Later that night, everyone gathers together in a large room, cameras still surrounding them, for the Rose Ceremony. Instead of being nervous, uncomfortable and bitter like he was earlier, Harley is stood with his back straight and his head held up high, holding onto the bouquet of roses tightly, knowing exactly who he's going to give them to. Even as Harley meet more and more people, there was only one person that stuck into his mind like glue, filling his almost every thought.

Chris Harrison explains what will happen in the rose ceremony, how it works to the audience, before the cameras pan on to him, expectant and waiting.

Harley takes a deep breath, knowing hes probably going to get some shit for this, but deciding he doesnt really care all that much. "You are all amazing, wonderful people who made good impressions on me. But there was only one person that made me feel relaxed, like I could be myself, and that stuck in my mind for the rest of the night. So, Peter Parker, I give you the First Impressions Rose."

Peter's face lights up as he makes his way to the front, ignore the grumbled or disgusted looks coming from the other contestants, his eyes full of shock, like he didnt expect to get it, and so much gratitude it practically knocks Harley off his feet. Peter gently takes the flowers with a small, quiet "Thank you," his gaze giving away every emotion that his words can't.

"Of course," Harley murmurs back, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before he turns away again, grinning as he sees the crew start to panic from behind the cameras. Peter flushes so prettily, giving him one last, soft, beautiful smile before turning and walking back to his spot, joy radiating off of him in waves.

Harley just watches him gently, his entire face soft, before he wipes the expression away and goes back to the regularly scheduled program, getting ready to pass out the other roses. But even as he does, he feels Peter's gaze on him, following his every movement, and feels giddy, hopeful, finally feeling like something good is going  to come out of this.

Harley doesn't know it yet, but he ends up proposing to Peter in the finale. They get married a few months later, and go on to become the longest lasting couples in the show's history.

[greenwaterskeeter]

College Advice

My brother was like, hey if you have any tips… So i wrote this! And then thought, there’s lots of people on tumblr just now going to college too…

Theres nothing in here about covid or making sure you have enough money– because i dont know anything about being a student during covid and i wouldnt give the same advice for getting money to everyone (and i wouldnt always know how anyway). I assume in the advice that the reader has enough money, because my brother does. That makes a big difference! Someone struggling for money wont have the bandwidth or time, probably, to do a lot of the stuff i advise. Edit: ugh i forgot, this is about US schools, specifically liberal arts US schools. Sorry about that!

Also, I didnt feel right taking the affection out of it once i decided to share it publicly. Help yourself! I may not have as direct an interest in your life, but there’s nothing in there i wouldnt wish for anyone going to college right now. (there’s also quite a bit that I think applies to anyone regardless of whether they do college or not).

Hi ******!

College Advice:

Work: No matter how important your work is or how much you have, take at least one day off a week. No schoolwork or working for money or any kind of work at all that day! (if it works better for you to take a half-day here and there instead of the whole day, that will do). More than one day is preferable, but there may come times when you have So Much To DO that sacrificing your free time doesn’t seem so bad and even one day off feels like too much.

I’m sure you’ve had plenty of this already, but people will keep telling you (by things they say and don’t say) that what you accomplish is the most important thing. It is not. What is most important is up to you– but I think it’s being your own authentic self. That’s complicated of course, but it boils down to: you already have everything you need in yourself, and keeping in touch with what you really truly want and love comes before everything. 

If you flunk out of school and all your nightmares come true and you still remember who you are, I will consider you to have succeeded. (but if you do forget– and so many things conspire to make you forget!– I will still be proud of you). 

GPA: It’s not the same as it was in high school! I won’t get into specific numbers because different schools have different ways of calculating it, and different rates of gpa inflation etc. It’s mostly bullshit. Unfortunately, if you want to go to graduate school, it is bullshit you have to pay attention to, but even then it’s not as all-important as it was in high school. You don’t need a 4.0, not even to become a doctor or a lawyer. A 3.5 or 3.6 is plenty for the highest ambitions, especially given that you’ll be doing extracurriculars. 

I would advise keeping half an eye on the numbers, and not straining yourself for even one additional 0.1 above your target, whatever you decide that is. If you decide not to do graduate school, you honestly could get any GPA as long as you don’t end up on academic probation (which i think goes on your permanent record? Or maybe not. I was on academic probation my last semester of senior year and i’m still not clear on whether it’s on the transcript somehow). After college, people only care that you have your bachelor’s, not what your grades were while you got it. They mostly won’t even care what the bachelor’s is in! It’s very strange, after all the work you’ve put in! (many of them only care that you had the money to go to school, very disappointing)

Extracurriculars: I did a lot of different ones, and still don’t feel entirely qualified to advise about them, because I hated most of them. My mistake was doing things I thought I should do instead of what I wanted to do. I think you should do what you want, even if there’s no existing group for the thing you want to do, for a few reasons. 1. You should enjoy yourself! Having fun is a very serious matter! Keeping the joy of living alive in your heart will make living feel worthwhile, of course, but it will also give you courage and the power to stick by your principles and keep pursuing your goals. 2. It doesn’t actually matter to graduate schools WHAT you did for extracurriculars; what they’re looking for is evidence for what kind of person you are, and they judge that that’s shown through HOW you do your extracurriculars (with commitment and integrity etc) rather than which ones you do. (even so, don’t let the “commitment” part keep you stuck in a soul-sucking activity!)

Choices: You’ll be told you’re supposed to choose your major on a certain timeline, do this and that and everything to very specific deadlines, all very proper. Of course, the more deadlines you meet, the easier things are. But on the other hand– human beings are not machines. You’re allowed to change your mind! Even after you were supposed to be sure! It’s much better to listen to your own misgivings and really look at them to figure out what you want as soon as you know they’re there rather than pushing them down in a panic because you’re not supposed to have them. If they’re ignored, they won’t go away, and they’ll eat at you, and one day they’ll ruin things. (this may be what midlife crises are made of). 

Friends: I know you have an established way of having friends, very different from mine, and that’s a good thing! I also know a lot of people take going to college as an opportunity to finally allow themselves certain things. There’s all kinds of takes on this, from putting on a poorly-done accent to binge drinking to coming out. It’s much better to stretch your legs this way than otherwise, I think. We need all the autonomy we can get! 

My advice here is: trust yourself. Listen to even your very quiet instincts. They’re there for a reason. You may elect to ignore them, but consider them first, and reject them afterwards if you must. The extreme end of this is Having A Bad Feeling. Listening to that has saved me from some sticky situations! A more mild form is the weird feeling of dissonance between you and an old friend. There are many reasons you may feel that, but unfortunately, in college, one of the most common reasons is that you’re becoming different people who aren’t so suited to being friends as your high school selves were. It’s painful! At the same time, it’s okay to love someone and not be together forever– but I suspect you already know that!

The one thing I would absolutely forbid is isolating yourself. It may seem impossible from where you are now, but that’s what I thought at the beginning too. College is a weird place, not exactly school and not exactly work and not exactly home, and it’s too easy to slip into anonymity. Tell your friends how you feel, good or bad! If you feel like you’re imposing on them, impose!! If they love you, they will prefer inconvenience over learning later that you were in pain and said nothing.

How to Learn: It’s true what they say, that teaching is the best way to learn. Your peers may not always welcome this– I was rather disliked in study groups for always explaining the answer, before I reined it in a bit (things were still awkward unfortunately! possibly for other reasons lol). Of course, other people’s jealousy isn’t your responsibility, and you may sow discord with your brilliance with my full blessing. If you’d rather not do that, my advice would be to become a tutor and/or TA in the subject(s) most important to you at your earliest convenience/whenever they allow you to. It really does make you an expert!

Humanities: They’re going to make you read a lot. Excessively, some might say! You’ll learn which readings are actually necessary to pore over, which ones you may skim, and which ones you may skip altogether. Please don’t feel guilty for not always doing all the reading! Almost no one does all of them. I didn’t even do all of them, and I was a stickler for Doing It Right.

Papers: my tricks are the Purdue OWL website (for brushing up on grammar, looking up how to do those goddamn finicky citation styles, seeing examples of finished papers in those styles), outlining, and rest time. Leaving time between drafts of a paper helps a lot! (that being said, I will be very surprised if you make it all the way through college without turning in at least a few first drafts. It’s not the end of the world, and if you’ve got a knack for it, the professors may not even know the difference! Very amusing). Reading through what you’ve written out loud also helps, however silly it may feel. It has to do with how your brain processes information, and hearing what you’ve written is different enough from seeing it that you’ll be more sensitive to errors and weirdnesses. 

STEM subjects: For these ones, it’s more important to do all the homework, because they may only give you one problem per concept. Be very literal about how you interpret things, that’s how folks in STEM usually expect you to think. Office hours are gold, if you can get them (and if the professor isn’t an ass). TAs are hit or miss. Readings are usually super important, relatively short, and can be read multiple times for more benefit.

General knowledge: Don’t forget to think critically! You’d think that’s all you’ll be doing, but in fact most professors only want you to regurgitate their own thoughts back to them. Very disappointing. However, that doesn’t have to stop you! You can always think: “Who benefits from this? What voices aren’t I hearing from in this story?” (even in STEM there are stories). “Why is this important?” In general, don’t stop asking questions! This is where I think true intelligence lies.

I’m sure you don’t need ALL of this advice– please don’t think I don’t think you know what you’re doing! I’m being a little over-cautious not because I don’t trust you but because if there’s any chance of my mistakes and accidental successes helping you do better than otherwise, I want to give all of them that opportunity. Kind of a shotgun approach!

All my love,

Autumn!

[taketheringtolohac]

simon for the ask game!

jshkajhja god victor i love him so much thank u for sending me this ok here we go (sidenote i know theres ppl who follow me who havent finished dd so if you dont want to get spoiled dont read this!! i talk about a LOT of spoilers!)

send me a character ask and i’ll answer!

favorite thing about them ok so heres the thing. i know that there is a lot to be said about him and just the way that he does like genuienly care for people even if he has a funny way of showing it but honestly? honestly? i LOVE a funny king. like his own brand of humor is just so good and when he laughs (at his own jokes, like a real Uncle Figure) he laughs with his WHOLE BODY which. yes king go get em. also hes sexy <3 not in a rat kinda way but he LOOKS like he should be just, outwardly, but simon blackquill himself is just a HOT MAN. yes im a lesbian and what about it.

least favorite thing about them this isnt about him but you know when aa fandom makes him a weeb? bad. stop calling urself/other ppl weebs in 2021 especially if u arent using the term critically/as a way to talk about ppl who fetishize Japanese culture tho most ppl who call themselves weebs dont realize theyre doing this anyways which. ok this isnt the post for this im just (rightfully) Mad

favorite line its not exactly a LINE, per say, bc i dont remember a lot of them, but remember when he shakes athena in SOJ and its like that kermit strangling meme? top 10 ace attorney moments EASILY

brOTP LITERALLY ATHENA AND SIMON BROTP LIVES IN MY BRAIN AT ALL TIMES LIKE theres so much healing that they both have to do from the 7/8 years since the incident and focusing on literally just that one incident and how to fix it (or in his case how to just like. live with it in a lot of ways) and they do some of it together but some of it they very much do NOT do together and i think like the setting boundaries that they do is just. its good. also i love the idea that he lived with her for a while after he was released like. just from a general perspective i love them sort of being a patchwork family but also just imagine being 18 and living on your own then suddenly you invite your 33 year old uncle to live with you who’s been in prison for the past 8 years. he doesnt rlly know how the world works from a cultural perspective and you dont know what its like from a “how do i use a can opener” perspective. together you’re a functioning adult.

OTP honestly i see him as very gay man in his 30s bachelor just living his post prison life and figuring stuff out but i’d be lying to myself if i said i didn’t read nahyuta/simon fics that shit is cute as FUCK and also ppl do a really good job of writing them like??? its about the understanding whats its like to go through an incredibly fucked up situation and not feeling the need to EXPLAIN yourself but to just understand that its beyond your control sometimes and gently helping them through without being making it about you because YOU wouldnt want that and. yeah.

nOTP if you ship simon with the phantom i’m knives out IMMEDIATELY i understand the want for angst but it makes me uncomfy and man has already been through enough please. also You Know What Else. i will not say it but it should be self explanatory.

random headcanon him and aura were REALLY close pre UR-1 incident. like i think they had a lot of issues but i think its just because they probably had to raise themselves in a lot of ways and pretty much really only looked out for each other for awhile. i like to think that he visited the space center a lot bc he was visiting her and thats how he got to meet metis and he was like huh maybe i could use this physcological stuff in court hmm and like thats how he became her student but i ALSO think that aura is just. SO mad at him for what he did about UR-1 and how he handled it because now SHE has to be alone and its not fair to him and she knows its not but she can’t help herself. Not just that but Simon hates seeing her lose it a little every time she visits him (which is often, he doesn’t get many visitors and even if he did he’d ALWAYS take her visits bc he misses her even if they don’t see eye to eye they’re all they’ve GOT) and just. seeing her become more cold and somehow thinking maybe its his fault and her not knowing if she does think its his in some ways but them still loving each other even if they have funny ways of showing it just UGH!!!

unpopular opinion he doesnt talk all posh why do ppl do that he’s literally a funny garbage man who like kinda hates himself a bit. also yes he’s emo but i think he would absolutely ROCK a printed neon button up with like. really loud socks specifically stupid steel samurai/anime socks. ik i said dont call him a weeb but theres a difference between liking anime/samurai/japanese culture and being weird about it. also he’s Japanese die mad about it

song i associate with them god i dont know i dont really listen to music but i GUESS i will say Mike Townsend (Knows What He’s Gotta Do) by the Garages because they’re very similar “i’m gonna do what I think is right to protect/save this other person and these people I care about even if the consequences are extremely detrimental to me”

favorite picture of them i will not say the simon shaking sprite again but you know that funky one with the bird? the one where he’s got taka just. perched on his arm. perfect photo i use it for everything <3

[big-bad-shorty-king]

Death of a Bachelor 4 Years Later

I love this album and it hold’s a special place in my heart and I cant believe it’s been 4 years since release.  

Victorious: Still not my fave Panic! song, dont love it but it’s not as bad as I remember because it isnt being forced into my ears constantly anymore. It’s better at concerts though. That being said it’s my least fave on the album. 

Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time: Still a fantastic song. Have a lot of memories associated with this one. Also holds a special place in my heart as it was the first song by them I heard live because my first Panic! concert was the Death of a Bachelor tour in Phili. Also you havent lived if you havent been in a room of 15 year olds screaming “CHAMPAIGN, COCAINE, & GASOILINE” at the top of their lungs. 

Hallelujah: First song I heard new. Hallelujah holds a special place in my heart because it was the first song by Panic! that I heard that was “new” because I got into them towards the end of Too Weird era. Still a pretty good song that will always hold a special place in my heart. I heard it literally 200 times the first day. Never really realized how much it sounds like a Too Weird era song.  The video was pretty cool. 

Emperor’s New Clothes: One of my fave Panic! songs but not on my fave off of the album. This album contains many of my fave songs by them so this is a common theme going forward. I remember when the video came out being so excited and honestly the song didnt disappoint either. It was a very neat part of the Devil’s Key saga and I LOVE how it linked to This is Gospel. 

Death of a Bachelor: Oh my god I remember the hype as Pete Wentz introduced this on apple music. Loved it the moment I heard it and still love it now. Really love the Frank Sanatra-ish vibes off of this song, it’s just a fantastic song. 

Crazy = Genius: My absolute fave off of this album. The energy off of this song is insane. I still think it’s criminal that they dont play this and Roaring 20s in a sequence without stopping in concert. It’s not one of the more lyrically meaningful songs but it gets me pumped every time I hear it and go fucking feral every time i hear the opening notes. It’s so much fun live. Im really sad that this song is so overlooked considering it’s one of the least popular songs on the album if iTunes is anything to go off of. I adore the mix of big-band and Brendon’s flair in this song!! 

LA Devotee: Such a fun song. The energy and the flair in the song really made it one of my faves upon release. It’s one of those songs that you just belt out when hanging out with your friends and scream the lyrics to out the window. 

Golden Days: One of my other faves off of this album. Golden Days is just a hella good song. This song is also criminally underrated much like Crazy = Genius and House of Memories.  It has a weirdly classic rock vibe to me that I can’t really explain? I love the beat of the song so much. 

The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty: Another fave bc the entire second half of this album is filled with faves. I adore the chorus on this track.  Yet another criminally underrated song off of this amazing album. 

House of Memories: Another one of my faves. The lyrics really do it for me in this one. “Promise me a place in your house of memories” is totally one of those quotes you would see on r/im14andthisisdeep but it just works.  It is criminally underrated. The vocals in the song are godly and some of the best that we have seen from Brendon thus far. 

Impossible Year: It’s a slow song, but it’s an absolutely beautiful one. I love how mellow it is and the lyrics. I love the way the song fades out into static so much. Can’t ignore the Frank Sanatra inspiration in this song, it’s done masterfully. 

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 2.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for chapter 1! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 1 HERE

                                    2.0  ♥ DEALS & FEELS ♥

(almost 5 years later)

HIM

I've dated girls, i've had sex with girls, too, but in the end, I never really fell in love. Love is a weird concept I have a hard time to grasp. Wanting to spend the rest of your life with the same person, living with them, always having them in your personal space... It didn't seem to be for me. I never had to share a house with anyone, and if I spent too long with people it actually bothered me. I needed my alone time, I needed space and time to relax and think, and there was no reason for me to give this up. At least, not now, and not soon. In fact, maybe I never would.

Did I still think about her? Yea, from time to time, but it seemed to have happened in an other life, and the only feeling inhabiting me was one of regret. I regretted the way I treated her, and the way we broke up. After all these years, I had to admit that my outburst was ridiculous. I was younger, stupid, and slightly more selfish. There was no excuse for the way our story ended and even if some people told me the blame was shared, I was ready to take all of it.

It was over and there was clearly not much else to add to this sad love story. I didn't know where she was, or how she was doing, but I like to believe if she needed me, Louis would tell me, since we were still extremely close. But we never talked about her. I knew he was still seeing her from time to time, even more often now that the band went on hiatus, but i never asked anything and he never shared anything either. We seemed to have this unspoken agreement to never discuss her and Iit was definitely better this way.

My solo career was going well, and on the rare occasion I could see my old bandmates, it was just like it used to be between us, especially when it came to Louis.

"Neil! Where the fuck did you put that damn watch!"

I chuckled, shaking my head as I opened the fridge to grab a beer. I threw the cap in the bin and leaned against the counter just as Louis rushed in the room, making me smirk more. His hair was a mess and watching him running everywhere to be ready on time was entertaining.

"Seriously, I can't believe I'm spending Christmas Eve without my girlfriend!" he mumbled under his breath, making me roll my eyes.

"Oh please, you two can spend ONE night apart, can't you?" I argued with a shrug. "Or is it some superhero thing where you both will start getting weaker and eventually die?"

Louis stopped dead in his track and turned to show me an annoyed face that made me laugh again.  His eyes became smaller and he pinched his lips. I knew he was half-joking and I played along.

"Some of us actually care about love, you know?" he expressed, turning around again to open my pantry. "And when I say 'some of us' I mean like, 90% of the world population."

I grimaced and took an other sip of my beer, putting it back on the counter.

"I'm fine being a part of the smart 10%." I admitted. "And I'm pretty sure you're not gonna find my watch there. Why don't you try the fridge instead?"

He closed the pantry a bit too roughly for me and turned to face me again. I loved Louis, I knew he was not holding back, not with me not with anyone.

"Yea I know, you're an eternal bachelor. When I first met El-"

I pushed myself from the counter to get back on my feet and cut him before he could add anything.

"When you met El you fell completely in love with her. You loved her through thick and thin, whether you two were together or separated. She's the love of your life, and you don't see yourself with anyone else but her. I know."

He stared at me and blinked a few times before nodding.

"Yes, and one day, you'll find yours, too." he said, making me scoff, as he walked past me.

"I've never loved anyone, and i'm not gonna start any time soon." I replied, turning to him.

He stopped walking completely, making me frown, and finally turned on his heels. His eyes stuck into mine, he waited a few seconds and finally shook his head.

"You never loved anyone?"

I frowned and shrugged, glancing away and putting my hands in my pockets.

"Nop, never."

I was lying through my teeth and just repeating it made my heart jump in my chest. I knew it and Louis knew it too. His gaze was burning me and I finally closed my eyes with a sigh. I didn't want to talk about it and I hoped he would let it go. He normally does, we don't discuss about that time of my life. Louis was my best mate, he could sense it, I knew it. He finally turned around and walked back to my room, yelling as he reached the hall.

"That's a lie, Neil! And we both know it!"

I was happy he was not in the same room anymore. I breathed in deeply, my eyes still closed, and tried to get all these thoughts out of my head. The first time I saw her, the first time I kissed her, the first time I touched her... and then, all these last times too. Falling in love was like trying to swim in quicksand: totally useless and scary. There was no way to get out of it, no way it would end well, no way not to hurt. Love was complicated and hard.  I didn't want a complicated life. I wanted things to be easy, and fun. I wanted to lay down on my couch at the end of the day and be content. I didn't want to owe anything to anyone and the obligations I already had were enough. To be responsible for someone's happiness was something I didn't want to take or risk. There was too much at stake, too many mistakes to make, too many hearts to break.

The more I thought about it, the more I tried to convince that I did the right thing, and that this relationship was inevitably going to end anyway, no matter how hard we would have worked on it.

I was completely stuck in my thoughts when Louis reappeared. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before noticing he was putting my watch on. In his other hand, though, something was hanging on what appeared to be a necklace. A heart. I recognized it immediately and suddenly felt extremely nauseous. Why didn't I get rid of this again?

"Mate, I found this." he chuckled, moving his arm up and making the silver of the heart shine with the artificial light of the kitchen. "That's not your type of jewels, where is this from?"

I stared at it a few seconds and walked the few steps separating us very quickly, snatching it from his hands. The metal felt cold in my hand but at the same time, it was burning my skin in a way I couldn't explain.

"It's nothing, just something a girl I brought here forgot." I walked to the counter and opened one of the doors to throw it in the bin. "I'll never see her again anyway."

"You never bring girls here..." he started, realizing what I was doing. "Hey wait, it seemed quite expensive."

Of course it was expensive, I would never buy something cheap for her. I turned around and shrugged, reaching for my beer and trying to act like it didn't matter.

"What do you want me to do? Sell it?" I let out with sarcasm, chugging half of what was left in the bottle.

"Give it back, maybe?"

He rolled his eyes and walked up to me, opening the door to search the bin. I stopped him, closing the door again without saying a word. He looked up at me, clearly getting pissed at my behavior, but i didn't flinch. I didn't have to talk, the expression plastered on my face said it all. Louis sighed and backed away.

"Whatever, we need to go or we'll be late."

I followed him to the door and grabbed my coat, quickly putting it on before searching for a beanie that would fit.

"Is your son with your sister?" I asked casually, putting the beanie on and making sure it hid my ears. "I haven't seen him in so long."

"Yea, we'll just pick him up on our way."

As soon as we walked out, Louis rubbed his hands together and blew on them to get them warm and I closed the door behind us, locking it quickly. I followed him to his car and sat on the passenger's side, glancing back to see the cute baby car seat. It made me smile and I turned my attention back on the road. I was not a fan of Louis' driving, I thought he drove way too slow, but since it was his car, I tried not to comment on it.

"Thanks so much for coming with me Niall." he let out after a few minutes of silence. "I know it's mostly a christmas party for kids, and that it's not really your cup of tea, but I appreciate it."

I patted his thigh gently and shook my head, glancing by the window.

"Don't thank me, you're very welcome. I'm sure it's gonna be fun with a couple drinks."

"It won't last too long too, ya know we can go back to my place after and drink a few beers." he proposed with a shrug. "I know you're going home only tomorrow."

"Alright, deal, but not too late, I gotta fly early tomorrow."

HER

Whenever I looked at my daughter, she reminded me of Niall. At first, it was almost torture but now, after over 4 years, I was used to it. She caught some of my facial expressions, and she talked a bit like me, too, but when she smiled, I saw Niall, when she laughed, I heard Niall, and when she looked at me with her tired eyes late at night, I could see Niall. Every single time, my heart would jump in my chest before melting immediately. I loved my daughter more than anything in the world and the truth was, I had never really been over Niall.

There are people you know you'll feel connected to all your life. Those two, Niall and my daughter, were on the top of my list. I felt something for them I knew i'd probably never feel for anyone else, and even if I knew it would be better for my sanity to forget about Niall, I couldn't. I had tried, I had made huge effort, I even saw a therapist, but deep down, I knew he was the love of my life, even if I'd never be the love of his.

I sat on my daughter's bed and pulled her closer, sending her a small smile.

"Come on, arms up!"

She stared at me and did as I asked, raising her chin up at the same time. It made me smile and I put her dress on, pulling on it at the bottom gently.

"Alright, turn around."

She moved quickly and gracefully enough for a child, her hair flying around her head, along with the skirt of her dress, making me chuckle.

"I love that dress!"

I tied it on her back and licked my lips as she turned around again to face me.

"I knew you would, that's why I bought it."

Her eyes softened and she let herself fall in my arms. I brought her closer to me, holding her against me and hugging her tight. It was always so surprising to me that she'd be so grateful for things like that. Kids tend not to be that happy about little attentions and it's totally normal, but my daughter was different.

"Mommy?"

I smiled and raised my eyebrows, knowing she had clearly something to ask me. It was in the tone of her voice, and the way she glanced down quickly before looking back deeply in my eyes. Every single time, it made my heart jump. It was definitely just a coincidence, but Niall did the exact same time and somehow, I think both of them were aware I couldn't refuse them anything, or almost.

"It's Christmas and you always let me unwrap a gift every year."

I laughed again and shook my head, twisting her gently and grabbing a brush, bringing it to her hair. She didn't complain, but I knew her eyes were shut tight, as if it would stop the painful feeling of the knots in her hair.

"First off, it's Christmas' Eve, sweetheart." I pointed out, trying to be as gentle as I can. "And second off, you're gonna get a bunch of gifts tonight, which makes me believe you can wait tomorrow to open your gifts."

She didn't wait until I was done and made a volte-face, surprising me slightly but mostly amusing me. She tilted her head and sent me puppy eyes but I shook my head again with a chuckle.

"How about daddy's gift?"

That word always made my heart jump in chest and I swallowed the pain it brought me to send her an other fond smile. It was true. Every year, I tried to give her a gift from Niall. He didn't know of her existence, and she didn't know who he was, but I had a bunch of stuff that belonged to him or reminded me of him, and I thought it was more important for my daughter than it was for me.

Last year, it was an old t-shirt he left at my place and the year before, it was a guitar pic I pierced to put on a bracelet. I knew she desperately wanted to know her dad if only for the fact that her dad's gifts were always her favorites, no matter what i'd buy her. She was wearing the shirt every night to sleep and I had to literally wash it during the day because she wouldn't fall asleep without wearing it. As for the bracelet, she wouldn't even take it off to take a bath.

I looked at her and saw how bad she wanted it. I would even say she needed it.

"Alright, wait for me here."

Her expression turned into an excited one and I quickly walked to my room, grabbing a small box and getting back to her. This time, I sat on the floor and she got on her knees, sitting on her legs. Her dress was spread around her and all I could think about is that she seriously looked like a princess. Or at least, she would when I'd do something with her messy hair.

She stared at the little box in my hand, her eyes so large that her impatience was almost palpable. She didn't say anything though, she waited and waited until I handed her the box. It's not that it bothered me to give it to her, but this jewel meant more to me than I wanted to admit, and although I knew it was just an object, letting it go, even to my own daughter, felt like a sacrifice.

She didn't even take time to try to guess, she simply opened the box and her lips curled into a large smile. She stared at the silver key with a very small purple gem and my heart twisted in my chest again. This brought back so many memories I felt myself tear up but swallowed my pain and sent her a smile.

"You like it?"

She didn't look at me at all, she kept staring at the necklace, fascinated but after a while, I cleared my throat and licked my lips.

"Okay my love, it's time to go or we're gonna be late."

"Can I wear it tonight?"

I held my breath, knowing very well that she expected a positive answer, but if I wanted to be honest with myself, I was so scared she was going to lose it that it made me want to throw up. Perhaps she was still too young for that necklace, but now it was too late.

"Mm, alright, but you need to keep it under your dress at all times, deal?"

I raised my eyebrows, looking at her and raised my hand up in a fist, sticking only my little finger up. A large smile appeared on her lips, showing her cute slightly crooked teeth, and she finally did the same, intertwining her pinky with mine.

"Deal!"

I grabbed the necklace and put it around her neck, sighing as I watched it hang loosely on her chest. She grabbed it with her tiny fingers and put it under her dress quickly before shaking her head, making an even bigger mess of her hair.

"Hey! Come here you little minx!"

She started laughing and my heart melted as I grabbed her and threw her softly on the bed to tickle her. She laughed harder, her legs moving and kicking me, making me laugh too. It lasted a few minutes before we stopped and I tilted my head as she sighed exaggeratedly.

"Okay, your hair now."

I started brushing it and we kept silent, probably both lost in our thoughts, but when she started talking, I knew we hadn't been thinking about the same thing.

"Is uncle Louis gonna be there?"

"Mmhm, yes, he said he would. He's bringing Freddie." I added, trying her hair unto a braid.

I turned her around again and grimaced when i noticed a lock of her hair was falling. It was too short to stick in the braid and even if I was sort of used to it, it annoyed me and I quickly pushed it behind her ear.

"You are the prettiest little girl in the world, you know that, right?"

She sent me a smile and nodded. "Yes, I know!"

"Good."

I walked to my room and she followed me, as usual. We always got her ready first, and then it was my turn.

"Will aunt Eleanor be there too?"

I looked through my closet found a pair of pants that were not jeans, throwing them on the bed.

"No, she already had plans tonight." I replied, trying to find a shirt that would fit and getting slightly annoyed.

"I wanted to show her my dress! I wanted her to see it! She said I could model you know!"

I laughed and glanced at her, noticing her disappointed face.

"You know what? Maybe we can take a picture and send it to her, how's that?"

I watched her quickly nod and did the same, walking back to my bed with a shirt of the same color shade as the pants. I hated getting dressed and I had no idea what was the point. If I could go in sweatpants, I definitely would.

"Noooo no no!"

Without giving me time to react, my daughter walked up to my bed, grabbed the outfit I had picked and tried as best as she could to put it back in my closet, without much success. It ended up in a pool on the floor but I decided to ignore it.

"It's Christmas!" she pointed out, her eyebrows raised as high as possible. "You're putting on a dress."

Her words were firm and her statement final, so I decided not to argue even if being uncomfortable in a dress for the whole evening seemed to be the worst idea I had heard today. We spent too long finding a dress in my closet since I was not even sure I actually owned one but when we were both ready, I got down on my knees to put her some baby pink lipstick with glitters.

"You look perfect." I pointed out.

"You too mommy, your make up in on point."

Her comment made me laugh and I bopped her nose gently.

"Yours too."

The ride was quick enough and we blasted our favorite spotify list on the way, singing loud together as I glanced at her a few times in the rear view mirror. We had out habits and I knew how close we were. We had people we loved and that loved us, but at the end of the day, it was just me and her, and I liked it that way. I wish someone would have told me five years ago how happy i would be with a daughter, but when I thought of the time I was pregnant, all I could really remember was crying myself to sleep every night and feeling extremely lonely. When I gave birth, however, it was a new beginning, and that new life was everything I wanted, everything I could have wished for.

I parked where I could and we walked inside together. I didn't even try to find Louis. knowing he would send me a text when he'd be there and I made my way to get myself a glass of wine, holding my daughter's hand firmly.

"There's chocolate milk, you want one?" I asked over the Christmas music playing.

She nodded quickly and I opened one for her, slipping a straw in it and handing it to her. I poured myself a glass of red wine and suddenly felt something pulling on my dress.

"Mom! The tree! The tree and the gifts!" she yelled looking up, showing me her perfect chocolate mustache. "Can I go!"

I sent her a smile and nodded.

"But stay where I can see you!"

"Promise!"

She ran away and I walked closer to the tree to check on her, staying up but leaning against a wall. A voice made me smile and when I looked up, I noticed Louis walking in, his son in his arms. I waved and he saw me, sending me a big smile and pointing me to Freddie before grabbing his small arm and shaking it to make him wave at me too. I laughed and they walked in my direction, my smile growing with every step they took.

"It's so nice to see you, Lou." I let out, kissing his cheeks.

"You too, where's the little princess?"

I pointed out next to the tree and Louis smiled again as we both stared at my daughter. She had already made friends and it made me chuckle.

"Look, I don't have time to explain, but please, love, forgive me."

I frowned and turned to look into his eyes, noticing guilt written all over his face.

"What for?"

He sighed and glanced back. When his face turned back in my direction, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Just, I hope you forgive me one day."

I opened my lips to ask for more details but I didn't have to. I saw him, and my lips remained parted. He looked good and my heart jumped in my chest. It's been five years, five long years without him, and I thought I was almost healed. But here he was, his charming smile and his light and powerful eyes, and I was in it again. Totally ill. I held my breath as he turned around and when he noticed me, we stared at each other, both speechless and surprised by something we would never have expected : each other.

[beesmygod]

i watched “crazy rich asians” and im mad i didn’t see it in a way where i could directly give the creators money to keep making movies like this: a review

i’ve been flying 6 hours back and forth on a plane recently to go apartment shop in the exotic and very sexy local of rhode island and to celebrate, i decided to introduce myself to a new culture that i’m typically cautious of: romcoms. the plane was STOCKED with oscar bait and romcoms, but i was really only in the mood for something light and breezy to ease my quaking stomach and addled mind.

pals, i liked this movie a whole heck of a lot. its a B+ movie, held back by a single, solitary, yet very important thing. otherwise the movie is a truly delightful story about a woman coming to love herself against a new kind of adversity that a lot of us have had to deal with growing up: a cold and unwelcoming family that is obsessed with keeping up appearances.

THE PITCH: constance wu and her boyfriend, henry golding head to singapore for a family wedding, only for her to discover that his family is one of, if not THE, most rich family in the nation. she is not welcomed with open arms.

PERFORMANCES: constance wu is a terrific and wonderful lead lady and i really desperately want to see her in more roles as a protagonist/central character in a romantic comedy. she plays the role perfectly, balancing a tightrope of both being vulnerable (due to being uprooted temporarily and having her legitimately impressive credentials as a new york professor stomped into dust by the financial success of this family she had no idea she was every going to come in contact with in her life) and standing firm, refusing to concede any ground to the family trying to drive her out,

henry golding is a very handsome and extremely charming man who was done dirty by the script. more on that later. he elevates the role just by being naturally charming and pleasant, radiating a warmth through the screen that makes you be like “hell yeah i wish i was learning to make dumplings with henry golding”

and last but def not least: michell yeoh takes the cake for the best villain ive seen in a movie in a while. she’s perfectly well rounded, her motivations are distasteful but not cartoon-ish to the point where you wonder why henry golding wants to be around her at all, and she glides through every scene so frigid you’d think she’s carved from ice. she’s poised and cool and collected and unflappable and proves to be a legitimately disruptive force in the plot that doesn’t make you frustrated as an audience member to watch so much as “rightfully furious” on the protagonists behalf. watch for that scene that takes place in the stairwell to have your socks blown clean off by her speech.

A SIGNIFICANT DISAPPOINTMENT: dont get me wrong: henry golding the man himself is great in this movie. the character of nick young, (who he plays) is kind of a dud. he’s not a monster (doesn’t even APPROACH being a bad guy in any sense of the term) and passes every boyfriend test thrown at him by the plot (a part where a person at the bachelor party makes fun of his girlfriend’s body results in golding standing up to knock his ass out and i was like YEAH DO IT) but hes.

boring.

he’s just really boring. its too bad because rich people should be at least a little neurotic (look at the rest of his family) but hes just like 100% perfectly well adjusted and says the right thing at all the right times and does everything right and after a while you just kinda wish he’d trip and fall on his face or something just to make him feel a little more human. he never really says anything too funny. he never really does anything too spectacular that isnt induced by the other people in his life. he’s great! he’s just, you know. a little too perfect.

we’re still perfecting the tech needed to make truly Great male romcom leads. we’re almost there. we just need to implant personality technology.

THEMES: but, ultimately, crazy rich asians is about constance wu finding her own worth in a sea of people telling her she’s nothing; and proving to them she’s worth more than all of them combined. and that? that’s fucking entertainment to me. THAT’S a story i love and can get behind.

NEAT STUFF IF YOURE IGNORANT AS HELL LIKE ME: a friend linked me this really great breakdown of the final scene (spoilers, obviously) that added so many legitimately interesting layers to a scene that worked perfectly well without it, but if you had the cultural and gameplay understanding to know what was happening, it really knocks it right out of the park. im one of those people that breaks out into a cold sweat when a videogame has anything locked behind a mahjong game so this article was cool as hell to me

4/5 stars its good i’d watch it with both my mother, and my grandmother.

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 053.

do you sing in the shower? oh every single time. Its something I look forward to. 

do you think money makes people happy? As someone who currently relies on birthdays and holidays as her income, I can tell you it would relieve a bit of stress from me to even have like 100 bucks a month.

what's your relationship status? single.

what time is it? 12:25 am

what emotion are you feeling right now? I’m all over the place. Tonight Kile and I were messaging back n forth in a consistent manner which we haven’t done in a long time. Things were a bit romantic, which was extremely hard for me to deny participation in, and then it ended with me saying bye. boy it is hard to let go of him

do you have netflix? I do.

have you ever traveled outside your home country? no. Sadly, without a shot I will not be getting, I’m unsure of how I’ll be able to until the restrictions lessen.

coffee or tea? teeeeeeea pls.

shower or bath? Shower unless the bath is deep enough to cover my long self. 

what's your favorite pizza topping? depends on what kind of pizza. For instance, Jacks just GETS how to do supreme. some places nail the pepperoni, or fresh garlic or whatever. 

what's something that makes you happy? thinking about decorating my own place one day.

do you have siblings or are you an only child? I have 2 brothers and 1 sister

what's your favorite instrument? Piano, cello, drums

what's your favorite food? today it is fruity pebbles.

what is something you are always losing? I am pretty consistent on things going back to their original spot. I suppose if I’m losing something maybe it’d be like a scrunchie.

are you good at spelling? a good amount of the time.

what is one goal you have? all my goals are shifting.

did you get a flu shot this year? Nooo. never have. 

what's your favorite Disney movie? oh boy. i am not good with narrowing down those. are you bored? Not really, I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until I’m sleepy.

what are you listening to? serendipity, bennys tail hitting my pillow, and my fans.

what's your favorite foreign language? I think it depends. are we talking for the way it sounds? or one that I’d want to learn?

what do you do when you can't sleep? this, read, find quotes, do puzzles, stare at the ceiling.

do you like cats or dogs better? this is one of my very least favorite questions to be asked. why would anyone want to choose between the two? both are so great.

do you have any piercings? Just my ears

what's your favorite vegetable? Potatoes

do you eat meat? Yeah.

what's your favorite season? any of them minus summer. Honestly, probably winter. 

do you still write letters? I love to, but I no longer have anyone to write to. 

what would make you really happy right now? i think a distraction that comes from having a crush.

what's your favorite song? ooo this changes but right now i’m into a lot of blue october.

are you good at giving advice? so, I’m the person you go to for advice if you want the moral, behaved, “you won’t regret this later” type advice. I’m great at giving that.

what's your favorite hobby? Right now, this.

do you prefer to talk or text? That is going to depend on the person. almost always text. But some people.. their voice is just intoxicating.

what's your favorite pair of shoes? I’m going to have to trash all my shoes for ones with heel support. 

how often do you read? (as in books) usually daily, but I’ve fallen out of that lately.

do you have any pets? I have 2 cats currently. I really want a golden retriever, but hey.

what's your favorite day of the week? they’re all similar at the moment, but probably saturdays

are you in college? I’m in the inbetween. Finished 2 bachelors, but am waiting for grad program

are you/have you ever been in a long distance relationship? I have been,

how do you typically listen to music? I use Spotify. either thru my headphones, my bluetooth speaker, the kitchen google, or my phone.

do you like going to the beach? I do so long as I have shade or the water is good to swim in.

did you make any new year's resolutions? I think pandemic NY resolutions were all about survival thru mentally exhausting times.

how old are you? 29 yrs young

do you know anyone who is blind? I do

who is someone you admire? My mom

do you have a good singing voice? when I was a kiddo, preteen, and teen yes. not any longer.

are your nails painted? Nope. I just wanted a break from keeping up with them.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? I’m an introvert but I can behave very well with the extroverts.

what are you having/had for dinner tonight? I had some tacos.

do you ever write in a journal? I would like to begin again, but this is a decent makeshift option

if you could time travel when/where would you go? I mean I’d love to go back to some great memories, but I worry that could be painful beyond repair.

what's your favorite animal? whales.

what's your favorite kind of cereal? honestly my cravings for cereal are for any kinds that I can no longer have. so dont ask.

how was your day? I’m only 44 minutes into it.

do you ever listen to classical music? I do. Clair de lune is one of the best 

what inspires you? learning. learning always inspires me.

how many pillows do you sleep with? I have like 20. OK huge exaggeration. I believe the true number of sleeping pillows is 4 large, 1 mini. 

how many hours of sleep do you need? I typically run off of about 3. I’ve had sleep studies done regarding that. But If I’m getting good oxygen and the temp is coooooooold I sleep so good.

do you have big or small feet? I have pretty average to slightly bigger. 

what's the weather like where you are? It’s been in the upper 80s.

what's the most interesting thing you can see out the window? just the reflection from my TV. it’s real dark out.

does/did your high school have a school song? no.

what month is your birthday in? July.

what's your dream job? the brain.

are you excited for summer? I’ve had a lovely summer, truly.

what foreign country would you want to live in for 6 months? switzerland.

did you have to go to school today? No, no I have not.

win a million $$ or never have to pay for anything again? Never have to pay for anything. Why would that even be a question. do you throw coins into fountains? when I was a kiddo

do you have a trampoline? Nope

what's your favorite song lyric? what if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world, I would meet you... would you meet me? 

what did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Ill be honest IDK if we even got food.

do you ever measure time in songs? only if I’m in the shower. I’ll be like ahhh I’m 4 songs in.

do you know how to play chess? I’ve been taught MULTIPLE times. have I retained any of them? na.

what's your favorite game? (any type) right now I’m digging skipbo, trionomos, rummykub, and trouble.

do you enjoy traveling? I love it. so much.

do you tend to wait till the last minute? nope. I’m almost always 2 weeks prior

have you ever owned a goldfish? Yep!

how do you relieve stress? go on a drive. 

without looking it up, guess the outside temperature? I’d guess maybe 70. lemme see how close I am. 68!

now look it up - how close were you? woops. 68! two off.

do you prefer digital or analog clocks/watches? Digi. 

do you prefer to shop in stores or online? I almost always prefer online, but in store has its own perks like seeing the quality of things.

do you enjoy coloring? oh heck’n yea do you like to dance? I do!

have you ever owned a horse? my family did, yes

do you take selfies? oh i do. MUCH less now, than I did before. before I used to send kile like 10 a day. now I might take 2 per week.

do you ever listen to music in languages besides English? Not often, but on occasion

have you ever cried from listening to a song? absolutely.

do you prefer headphones or earbuds? so I appreciate how headphones are safer for the ears, but i typically wear earbuds.

can you speak Spanish? Very little. like a few words

what's the last thing you watched on youtube froggy freshhhhhhhhh dunked on now what time is it? 12:57. Im getting sleepy. --------- ok now it’s 859 am. I passed out last night.

do you ever watch musicals? sometimes. it’s not my favorite thing

do you know anyone who's a twin? Yeppp

do you ever get carsick? oh heck yeah, i do love the windows open

what's your opinion on wolves? I really never had an opinion. check back.

when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? sad. indulge me

do you like seafood? Nooo. i wish

do you enjoy going to the zoo? no. i really dont. are there any celebrities from your hometown? uhhhh not that I know of

do you shower in the morning or at night? morning if I was great hair. If I want meh hair, night

do you prefer to work alone or in a group? Alone. ALWAYS.

do you go to the gym alone or with a friend? I don’t go to the gym. < problem solved.

do you like coconut? I like the scent but not the food. <<< SAME who is someone you're jealous of? JV for her abs

what's your favorite place to go out for breakfast? eggheadz

do you still have your christmas tree up? nah. its a tickle early (july)

do you have a favorite type of bird? cardinal.

have you ever had an overnight flight anywhere? yup. plenty of times.

if you use them, tell me 5 of your recently used emojis heart eyes, disappointed looking off to the side, sad face with eyes closed, hearts all over the face, and rolling eyes.

do you know anyone that plays the violin? yep. 

how much money is in your wallet right now? I would need to count

anything you're looking forward to tomorrow? having been done with packing lol

have you ever auditioned for anything? yeah I used to do auditions all the time for plays I was in.

did you have a webkinz when you were younger? No.

how would you describe your aesthetic? airy, comfy, inviting, warm

have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? yeah a couple times but its like not even a tiny bit close.

when was the last time you rode a bus? i have never.

if you saw $50 on the ground what would you do? is there a wallet attached?

do you know how to play any unusual instruments? yeah. don’t ask me. I’m not pleased about it.

are you an early bird or a night owl? kind of both. 

have you ever had trouble understanding someone because of an accent? oh yes. But the more time you spend talking to those individuals who have accents stronger than what you’re used to, become very easy to understand over time.

do you ever go to Massachusetts? I’ve never been but I’d love to go.

do you personally know anyone who is transgender? yeah a few people I’ve met through school. 

do you remember anything from when you were 5 or younger? yeah a few very small memories. 

do you need to do laundry? yes I desperately need to pack and I’m waiting on the laundry for that to happen. 

do you know anyone (including yourself) who actually enjoys math? NOT ME. not even close to me. Kile seemed to like it. 

do you have a favorite poem? the one written for meeeeee

if you were from somewhere else, would you visit your town on vacation? I don’t think i’d think of it, it’s not near anything specific.

where would you spend $100 if you had to spend it all in one store? amazon.

would you rather go to Japan or Greece? Greece.

now what song are you listening to? Gilmore girls, text notifications, fans

what are you wearing right now? shorts and a blue teeshirt. Bout to just be in a short shorts so I can tan. 

any fun plans for the weekend? travelingggggg.

[rotten-sunflower]

mental health and these experiments at my uni

so, my uni has experiments for studies that you are supposed to take part in and tbf, I really like them. one the one hand, I like to schedule sth to fill up my day, take my thoughts of things, give me a little structure and something to feel accomplished about. also, a lot of these experiments are really interesting and I like to try out new things this way. we are supposed to collect 130 points or so in all of our bachelor and now, in the first half of the second semester I am basically already finished with it. 

usually, since you have to pretty concentrated in an experiment, Id really focus on it and forget everything else for an hour or two. recently, that somehow changed. 

there have been 2 incidents already, when I started feeling dissociated WHILE in an experiment and really had to pull myself back “into my body”. so far, I really have no idea where this feeling of dissociation comes from, if it is from stress or sth because really, in these situations I wasn't particularly stressed, just really trying to be focused.

now, while dissociation in those situations is certainly annoying, its really sth that I can kinda deal with it.

then, recently I was to two experiments that really required a lot of concentration, because they tracked your eye movements and you really need to be all in you to control where your eyes are going and be absolutely 100% concentrated. in the experiments, I really dont know why, but it just didnt work. I think it is because I needed to be so focused and couldnt be unconcentrated for one second, that it was even harder to concentrate. 

in 2 instances, my thoughts just like.. overrolled me. suddenly, while I was supposed to focus on my eye movements and do some brain exercise, my thoughts just like ran away and out of my control. suddenly, I was contemplating my situation in my brain and one time, I suddenly thought about sth my fp said like a week ago or so and it was something that you could see negative, but so far I kinda managed to look more or less calm at it but then in that situation, in front of that eye tracker, I suddenly had all bad thoughts about it, like all the bad things, all these abandonment issues came all at once. I really tried to fight back, telling myself that I would think about that later, after the experiment ended, but it somehow didnt work. I tried really hard to focus on that experiment and somehow got my concentration at least partly back but I could tell that I was less focused and scored worse in the exercise.

then, this 2nd experiment had kinda been hard since the start. already at the first session, when I went there, I felt like I wasn't really fit for it or just generally bad at the exercise. 2nd session was equally bad and this 3rd session was when my thoughts completely ran off. each time I went there I was at most at 60% of my mental state and accordingly unconcentrated and exhausted. each time, I thought that next time I go there, I want to have slept enough and be in a better state mentally to actually be like completely at my whole capacity there. but I was always so low mentally.

so then, after the 3rd session, the experiment leader told me that we won't continue, cuz I like wasn't fit for that exercise and she gave me part of the points and also said some people are just not fit. I honestly dont mind this that much since the sessions there were a pain in the ass anyway and gave me headaches. and after all, I got some points there.

but I know, even though this exercise was difficult, I could've done it if I was more focused and more there mentally. I know myself, I know I can accomplish hard things when I really focus on it and give 100%. I could've done this. I know it. but every session, I was so low and felt like I was not really myself in that moment that I fucked it all up. 

I really dont like this. I want to be my old self, that can force myself to concentrate, that can accomplish hard things, that is ambitious and self disciplined enough to actually do things. now I feel so fragile and so low and like just everything is so too much for me.

its kinda the same in class; sometimes I do manage to focus on only class for the whole 1.5 hrs but thats not the normal case. usually, I try really hard to focus, concentrate for a few minutes, zoom out then again into bad thoughts and contemplating my issues, force myself back to concentrate on class. that way, my notes are always inconsistent; a few pages I took all good notes, then its a few pages missing when I was thinking about other stuff, then note pages again and so on. 

I am really trying but sometimes I feel like im legit unable to focus on class for the whole lesson. I just cant do it. my mind won't go along with it. after a while, it zooms out again. 

and its like this in experiments as well. I really try but like sometimes trying is not enough when you rly should do sth and accomplish sth and not just try to.

also, there is studies where you just need to fill in like a questionnaire about a certain thing. and recently I felt like I wasn't really “fit” to participate in these studies. like these studies wanna find out correlations or trends in things for the average person, so for normal people, mentally healthy people. I cant fill out a questionnaire about stress without my anxiety influencing a lot of my answers. my mental illness just interferes with so many things in these studies and I feel like its not really me and its not really what these studies are searching for. 

all these issues with experiments are not really that serious since im gonna be done with the experiments im obliged to do pretty soon anyways but

I think im just realising that like mental illness really impacts every part of your life.

It doesn't just come when your alone at home at night, its everywhere all the time. I cant run from it and now its creeping into places where I thought id be safe from it. 

[ruslanalekseev]

Was Hiruzen a Good Hokage?

No. As many people have already pointed out, Hiruzen was very indecisive, and he always did what his advisors told him to. Which wouldnt be that bad, if not the fact that almost every single one of their decisions were suggested to them by Danzo.

Hiruzen might have had good intentions, but good intentions wont do you much good, if:You orchestrate the massacre of one of the founding clans in your village. You dont react to bullying towards the villages probably most valuable shinobi.You cant even bring yourself to killing one of the greatest criminals from your village

· Suggested Reading

What if a gay person was elected as the POTUS?

We have already had a gay President. James Buchanan Jr. was the 15th President (18571861) He was a member of the Democratic Party.

The only president to remain a bachelor, Buchanan's personal life has attracted great historical interest. Buchanan had a close and intimate relationship with William Rufus King, an Alabama politician. Buchanan and King lived together in a Washington boardinghouse for many years, from 1834 until King's departure for France in 1844.

King referred to the relationship as a "communion", and the two attended social functions together. Contemporaries also noted the closeness. Andrew Jackson called King "Miss Nancy" and prominent Democrat Aaron V.

Brown referred to King as Buchanan's "better half", "wife" and "Aunt Fancy"

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How did Canada manage to control COVID 19 so well despite its shared border with the US?

When doctors and scientists here in Canada told us that the COVID-19 virus would not only kill some people, but others who contracted the disease might suffer permanent damage to organs and body systems, we listened and became afraid. Then, when it was shown some young children also suffered devastating organ failures, we knew we must all do what we can to protect ourselves and others.

We didnt each need to personally know someone who has been so affected, we just imagined how our own actions could cause this result. For some reason, Americans do not seem to feel that same empathy for their fellow citizens. Tragic and sad

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What is the significance of WhatsApp for Facebook?

Why did Facebook acquire WhatsApp at such a hefty price of $19 billion?

Let us think about it. Say you are talking to your girlfriemd and you decide to go for a movie coming weekend.

It is not a big information for you. But for facebook it is a priceless piece of information. Since it they know now that you ar going to the movie they will project all the ads that is pertaining to movie going.

. Hence facebook achieves a greater accuracy of targeted ads. And hence 19Billion dollars.

Also facebook knows everything about you except your messages to your intimate people. Now that they bought whatsapp they literally know everything about you to sell you out when the time comes.

------

Will Joe Biden be worse than Trump?

Worse at what? I guess it depends on what you value and what you place importance on. If youre a Republican partisan it doesnt matter what Biden does itll be worse than Trump.

If youre a Democrat partisan it doesnt matter what Biden does because itll be better than Trump. If youre an independent youll recognize that all Presidents have pluses and minuses. Theyll do things at annoy you and things youll applaud.

I didnt vote for Trump in 16 and hes done things I despise and things I applaud. I didnt vote for Obama either time and he did thinks I liked and things I hated

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Do many Chinese people hate Fujianese people?

I don't know where did you get this view.

In college, I had a roommate coming from Fujian who is an authentic, courteous, helpful person with lots of computer's knowledge. Every time our computers occur in problems, our first thought is to seek for his help not to go maintenance store straightly because of its expensive charge. There are a few Fujianese.

as far as I'm concerned, They all good person through conversation and cooperation. But, I can't say Fujianese all good people since I had met all good Fujianese. In working with people, The significant thing We need to do is giving our sincere heart to them.

Similarly, you will be rewarded for your sowing.

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How old should a kid be before seeing Deadpool?

FWIW, the airline cut is devoid of *all* sexual content (to the point of blurring out the slight glimpse of butt-crack visible in the opening credits, as well as losing the Stan Lee cameo), but I dont believe they removed *any* of the violence or swearing.

What a country!As for child-appropriateness, it depends on the child. I was OK with my kid seeing the airline cut because he never swears and he doesnt like gory violence (it wasnt too gruesome on my 5 phone screen).

Other kids his age may not be able to handle this material. Heck, I know adults who wouldnt do so well with this material

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How can we stop people from throwing garbage in the empty plots?

Please know that if people throw biodegradable garbage only in an empty plot after removing all plastics and dry wastes, you are actually replenishing the ground.

This will improve vegetation of the plot.The second approach is to promote home composting and community composting. This can happen only if there is source segregation.

Third approach is to penalize through a law.Instal leaves composter in the entrance of the plot and encourage people to deposit the dried leaves into it. Many aesthetically good looking composters are available.

The process is very simple and no stink involved.Be creative and you will have many more options. Cheers.

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Could we derive energy from gravity in space?

You mean free flowing gravity? Yes.

Look at a grandfather clock and see the weights it has to keep it going. Except for dams most of the ways are small but all together make up huge amounts. You could use the same clock system method with a much larger counter weight and just by hand moving it back up daily to the top would generate constant power.

In other words you could produce huge amounts of potential power by a little daily hand labor.Now you got me wondering if there is a natural limit it this because it is not being done or that people are just lazy in not doing this

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How will the GOP change if Trump loses to Biden?

I dont think they will change at all, at least in the short term.

Trumps presidency has done one useful thing - exposed the corrupt innards of the Democratic party, and the Republicans, with or without Trump, are going to want to follow through on things, especially when the Durham report comes out. Trump has also shown how to do things economically, such that even Biden wants to plagiarize him. Theres been absolutely nothing wrong with his policies.

They were working great prior to the pandemic and theres no reason to think they wont work again when things finally get back to normal

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Who is the best teacher for sociology for the UPSC optional preparation in Delhi?

Hello there .I am a Civil engineer , who did not have any prior knowledge about sociology .

I was an expressive person and with the suggestions of friends , I chose sociology as my optional .I went to Pranay Aggarwal Sir and that was the best decision I made . Reasons :-He took classes in small batches with led me to focus more on the subject .

He is very interactive which makes sociology come out very naturally from oneself .He is very helpful and extremely accepting of different ideas which gave me confidence and started loving the subject . His notes are all encompassing and I can vouch for it

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Why was Paul Manafort sent to prison?

This just reported by NY Times:Banker Accused of Arranging $16 Million in Loans to Manafort to Gain High-Level Trump PostA banker in Chicago has been changed with trying to buy an appointment as Treasury Secretary. He arranged $16 million in loans to Paul Mafort. I dont know if the prosecutors knew about that alleged crime when Manafort was sent to prison.

This news certainly speaks to what kind of person Manafort is. It continues to astound me how corrupt Trump is that he picks people like Manafort. How can Trump voters have been so clueless to have voted for this narcissistic(oops, I better restrain myself).

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Why was the Roman Empire so successful?

the roman empire was successful in its government form.it probably had the most advanced government in ancient times, a republic which represent each of the classes in society.

Outsiders or barbarians could also aspire to gain citizenship if they work hard enough, slaves could gain or buy their freedom. This makes roman empire have a equal opportunity system similar to the american dream.But things slowly deteriorated once ceasar become dictator for life, or sulla and marius trying to monopolize power through using the military triumphs.

It lead to rise of emperors and rulers not acccountable to the public, and right to rule slowly degenerate into hereditary succession or military coup.

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Did the music of led Zeppelin change your life?

Yes!

As does every song does, some more than others. The Rain Song played while I was enjoying the company of a young lady I met on Manhattan Beach as I was coming out the ocean, exhausted from surfing for 5 hours. I collapsed on my board and was laying there taking in the scene when this beautiful blonde girl with curly hair, piercing blue eyes, and a body of a Black girl, blocked the sun, looked down and said are you ok?

. That was the beginning of summer of 91 and we had fun. Especially the night we spent in a motel on the beach, listening to led Zeppelin

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Who is the most under appreciated American president?

Adams greatest war president in our nations history.When almost everyone in the young country wanted war with France egged on by that snake Jefferson. Adams held back, he understood war was not necessary would be destructive and would cripple the country for decades, he also well understood his stand would likely cost him his reelection but he stood firm.

The country did not go to war but he did loose his office. Such a shame the country remembers the man who did his most noble service as a citizen under an English king and not the man who formed the nation after the Revolutionary War

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Why did you leave Hinduism for Islam?

People group or regroup into religion for rudimentary security reasons, not due to any love for a religion.

Any person who understands the first alphabet of any religion will know the purpose of religion is to help and serve the society he or she lives selflessly, particularly those who donu2019t follow his/her beliefs and faith has to be served, loved and cared.If someone thinks that his/her religious group is better than the other, it discredit the fundamental first alphabet of the religion. Islam, Hinduism or any religion in the world, if it is practiced by grouping and subgrouping its practioners, it is deplorably divisive for the society and in general human welfare

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In WW2 during the Battle of France, why did it take so long for France to surrender?

Why didn't France surrender earlier?

France waited so that the English could be evacuated from Dunkirk. They held the German back while the small boats could get in and get the boys home.

Then they had a resistance to organise not easy when you have a whole lot of tanks running over your toes. Finally, the Italians decided to pop in for a late entry in the game of conquest so they had them to send packing. Then they surrendered.

That is to say the French Government surrendered, the French people on the other hand fought on.If you have ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you see just how ferocious the French can be in their taunting of opponents.

[twenty-nothing]

OneHundredSixtyOne

On Saturdays, I like to… hang out with a friend and go to lunch

Where would you like to be a missionary to? No where

What’s better — toilet paper rolled over top or underneath? Over the top

Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?) No idea, I didn’t really watch Scooby-Doo

If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why? A blizzard. I already live in an area that gets A LOT of snow during the winter. Natural disasters scare me because you can lose your house and everything you own. So at least a blizzard sucks and might lose electricity but you will keep your home and everything in it.

What movie or TV show do you take guilty pleasure in watching? Any of “The Real Housewives”

If you had to describe your day as a traffic sign, what would it be? Green

What traditional stereotype would you classify yourself as? Prep

What “group” did you belong to in high school? Cheerleader

If you wrote a book about yourself…what would it be about? My life

If your house were burning down, what would you take and why? My dog, phone, laptop and my favorite sweaters and blankets

Describe your favorite pair of PJ’s. Soft sweatpants with lightweight baggy tshirt

How many handbags do you own? A few crossovers

If this were your last day alive, what would you say to your friends? I’d tell them I love them and was so glad I met them

What is your very favorite part of your day? Leaving work lol

What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it. LMAO I have a scar in the middle of my left forearm because I got a pen cap stuck in my cast when I was 13 years old. Old enough to know not to stick a pen, cap side down in your cast to itch it lol

You win a million dollars, but you have to give half to a charity. Which charity do you pick, and what do you do with the rest of the money? I would have to do a ton of research before I choose the right charity to make sure the money doesn’t go to the CEO’s like they usually do. The rets would pay off my student loans, my parents house and put the rest in savings

Describe your dream wedding where money is no option. I’d get the most sparkly dress I can find, Somewhere overlooking a waterfall in the fall, amazing plated dinner and fresh flowers ending with a fireworks show

What kind of deodorant do you use? Dove

If you were a spy what would your alias be? No idea

Do you have a birthmark? Where? Does it look like anything? Yes, just a brown large dot in the middle of my thigh

You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list to keep the dinner talk interesting? Gordon Ramsay, Sandra Bullock, Harrison Ford

What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for? Hockey. Syracuse Crunch, local team. Need to find a good NHL team to root for

Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug? Why? From someone I’m dating, a kiss. Everyone else a hug, but I rather not hug lol

If you could be a pair of jeans what style would you be?  Why? Ripped skinny jeans. The best ones lol

You have multiple personalities, describe some of them. A bitch

What is the best thing you have done in your life? I can’t think of anything...

If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most? Fall foilage

What household chore do you hate the most? Dishes

What is your most disappointing moment in life? Seeing how long it would take me to pay off my loans after only going to a community college, made me wish I never went

When have you laughed the hardest? Cried? I’ve been laughing the hardest with Elaine at work, I cry the hardest when I think about any part of my life...

If you had a “theme song” that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be? I dont know, I’m awful trying to think of shit like that

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile

What time period from the past would you most have liked to live in and why? the ‘50s. Just seems like an easier time. No technology really and just seems like a nicer time.

What is the best reward anyone can give you? Gifts

If you had a band what would you name it? No idea

Do you like fruit? Vegetables? Both!

What can someone do to encourage you? Show me encouragement by showing up for me

If you could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would you be? Why? lmao who the fuck knows

What was the best thing that happened to you this weekend? The steak I had at Longhorn was PERFECT and amazing!

What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Koala. Grey, Cute, Small

What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Mint. Cool, Relaxing, Pretty

It’s a very hot and muggy day. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to quench your thirst and revitalize your body. What would you drink — either make your own or store-bought. Ice cold lemon water

You discover that the person you’re head-over-heels interested in loves a good homemade & handmade dessert. What will you concoct when you have this person over? Chocolate chip brownies

What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most?

Everything

What do you consider to the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now? I don’t own anything really valuable

What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done? Just people giving back and being selfless

If you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? Forensic Accountant

What are your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now? Best was science and worst was math, I’d love to learn all about history from start to now!

What are you most talented at? Nothing lol

What is your worst nightmare today? Lose my job

How often do you clean between your toes? Every time I shower

What is your favorite way to waste time at work without getting caught? Incognito internet lol

If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick? Mean Girls

If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? The ones that fly and flip in the air

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be? If it didn’t affect my health, brush my teeth lol

You were just given a yacht. What would you name it? Dreamer

If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard? Really research what you want to major in, look up the jobs in the market that relate to that major, what do you really need? An associates or bachelors?

You’ve just been hired to a promotions position at Kellog Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick? Coupons for free cereal

Just like “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”, what action would your name be if it were a verb? What the fuck???

Name your favorite song. Right now it is Santa Baby because its like 4 days til Christmas lol