#and i didn't even lie on my cv that's the thing!!!

[kittychicha]

the problem of being hired to be an accountant and not actually being an accountant is that sometimes....there are things....that an accountant should know how to do that i have no idea about. now my question is why didn't they hire an actual accountant if they had this big of a mess on their accounts :)

[msommers]

riya youtuber AU and maeve magnus archives AU!

thank you!! finally a reminder to get back to those abandoned maeve thoughts lmao // send an au for 5 headcanons

riya youtuber au

in true riya form, i can't imagine she'd have a single type of content. she'd be all over the place, uploading whatever the fuck she felt like making. also in true riya form this chaos somehow works for her, algorithm gods be damned. (it's bc she's hot and has hot friends/family)

honestly she's probably one of those youtubers who has like 3 different channels because she let a friend talk her into at least trying to be a little organized and yeah it worked, things are sorted, but sometimes she'll go over a month without putting anything out on one of them because she didn't feel like making anything for it lmao

in this world she'd actually get to live those dreams of traveling with victor and they'd have the most envy inducing vlogs about it. like wym they're so carefree and privileged enough they can do shit like “we spent 3 months visiting the most romantic destinations according to [insert site here]” why can't that be ME

i just know one of her most popular videos would be “grwm but my brothers do the voice over” (daimon knows the most bc he's the married one and listens to his wife lmao) 

she does grwm livestreams before she attends concerts and almost all of them start several hours before she’s set to leave because she’ll have the artist’s music playing in the bg and waste an ungodly amount of time dancing to it + talking with her chat. the eyeliner can wait she’s gotta shake ass to this chorus real quick

tma maeve au (which i did partially write a statement for all those months ago but never finished lmao)

she had 2 encounters with the lonely. the first happened when she was a little girl and home alone, the forsaken playing with her belief that her parents wished they'd never had her by having her walk through a version of her home with all trace of her existence removed. when she ran outside to look for help, it appeared that nobody could see or hear her whatsoever. naturally she had a massive breakdown after that, blacked out, was woken up by her irritated mother, and found out she'd lost about 2 days to the "nightmare".

her second encounter came nearly three years into her marriage to carden, the lonely returned in a familiar horror but this time working in tandem with the stranger. her home once again warped by the fears, this time everything of hers replaced to display the version of her that carden tried so hard to mold her into. surrounded by people that she knew because of him, all seemingly blind to her panic and speaking to her like it was a casual gathering with nothing amiss. she's married to that man for another two years and almost certainly recovering from that encounter the entire time, often stumbling two steps back because of his gaslighting aligning perfectly with that encounter's reality. 

i still believe it’s super funny for maeve to lie her ass off on a cv and in an interview with institute head ilya (he’s a knowerTM but goes along with it anyway) to get a job there because she believes it has answers for her experiences, and those will help to heal her. and then it’s even funnier bc she’s unwittingly signed on for exposure to a third entity and even more horrors. like yikes, sorry bestie, you really don’t deserve all that. at least she can flirt w her co-workers to cope

maeve recording her own statement is fun for many reasons but i think #1 is the concept of after finishing the stories, her saying into the quiet, “ilya. i know you’re listening.” and hearing the static grow just a little bit louder bc yes. yes he is. do i know all of the surrounding circumstances or place in the story?? absolutely not. and idc. i think it’s cool and fun and sexy for king voyeur himself to be Seen in return. to get called out when he's just sitting there in his office having a peep lmao

lysandra (lonely avatar) and ilya (eye avatar) having a turf war over who has the claim on maeve because lysandra’s been tormenting her for [indiscriminate amount of time here] and wants the treat, but ilya's formed an attachment + maeve's so effortlessly started easing into the domain with her dedication to research, writing, and aiding archivist-in-training dietrich over there.

[skaruresonic]

"I won't forget the time another games fan admitted on my old Twitter account that the current fannish climate was such that they were going to limit their Sonic discussion to private channels."

Funnily enough, something similar happened to me on Twitter. Someone contacted me in private because they wanted to talk about CV with me, but "I didn't want to message you so publicly because there are some people who don't like you that follow me"

And my reaction was... cool? Thanks for telling me? I'm not even super active on Twitter and I can count on one hand the amount of times I complained and attracted discussions. I just felt sad that this person treated me like a clandestine. It reminded me back when I was in high school and my friend back then was like "don't help these people, they talk shit about you" - what am I supposed to think, other than "oh :("?

And the CV fandom is all but dead, even the NFCV fandom is certainly more active but currently resting. The Sonic fandom, especially on Twitter, is an absolute nightmare. People really do pounce you for any reason they deem justified, and all sorts of petty discourse is pushed in front of your face for the sole reason of making you angry.

Anyway, I say already what I said: for a fandom who will call you all sorts of names if you don't have the right wholesome opinions on minor characters, they sure have zero mercy for real life minors whose crime is complaining in their corner of the internet. Silly you, daring to have an opinion!

Funnily enough, something similar happened to me on Twitter. Someone contacted me in private because they wanted to talk about CV with me, but "I didn't want to message you so publicly because there are some people who don't like you that follow me"

It reminded me back when I was in high school and my friend back then was like "don't help these people, they talk shit about you" - what am I supposed to think, other than "oh :("?

Might be missing some context here, but honestly, that sounds a little backhanded. Best case scenario, they're worried about inadvertently shining a spotlight on you, which just raises questions of why they're hanging around folks who'd dogpile people to begin with.

Like bruh, this is video games fandom, not an illegal gambling ring lmao. Saying "I can't reblog from you because you have cooties" would be more emotionally honest.

To some extent, though, I do have to wonder how much of this is a modern-day fandom culture thing and isn't confined to just Sonic, because patterns seem to repeat across fandoms. Half-Life has settled down AFAIK, but that was after virulent tourists literally called the cops on fic writers for shipping a ship and caused the old guard to disperse. The Silent Hill Reddit, likewise, refuses to hear any criticism of the SH2 remake because you're harshing their buzz. And hey, anything Konami offers us must surely be better than nothing. "Technical limitations" is similar misinformation that gets passed around via games of telephone a la Shadow mandates. I don't need to tell you how Sonic fandom treats unpopular opinions. Don't know what to call it. Toxic positivity? Consumerism? Anti mindset? Clout chasing? Social media-fuelled outrage? All of the above? Whatever it is, it's becoming more prevalent in fannish spaces. Maybe it's because I'm more invested in Sonic fandom than the others, but there I've noticed that there's definitely this added layer of superciliousness to Sonic that just makes the usual fandom wank even more obnoxious. Yes, the HLVRAI stans might lie and say your ship is pedophilia, which is incredibly unfortunate, but nobody was giving them the microphone and saying they ought to be taken as an authority on all things Half-Life. In fact, the old guard pushed for AO3 to separate HLVRAI and Half-Life in the tags for years for this very reason. We weren't all suddenly like "hmm yes, maybe Gordon really was a ~secret pedo~ who thinks of grown-ass Alyx as a child when she flirts with him in-game" because we knew that was fucking ridiculous. But for some reason, we're all supposed to think "IDW!Sonic is Games!Sonic" lest we bu run out of town with torches and pitchforks, I guess.

The worst part is it's hard to tell what people want anymore. You can't say things they don't want to hear even in your own space. You can't say it politely, you can't say it rudely, you can't say it to your friends or to people you're arguing with, you just cannot say it at all without risking a ton of fans going "well you said it, therefore you deserve what you get." And, frankly, fuck that lol.

[alphabetboyluvr]

hiii holly! i hope november's treating you kindly so far!

i wanted to ask whether you have any advice for writers that are just starting to publish. literally any modicum would be greatly appreciated.

it's really hard to assess whether one's writing is any good when literally no one ever reads it :( at the same time, I know I should write for myself first and foremost. can't help but want to be held accountable by the possibility of an audience, tho (maybe that's just my brain chemistry??) I fall into the pit of thinking "if no one's reading it, why am I even writing? I can daydream indefinitely and be satisfied. Why write?" Yet I always come back to writing; it's something magnetic.

it's not the same to ask close friends to read ur stuff bc they are ur friends, and may not give you the sincerity ur looking for so as to not discomfort u. conversely, they might not be interested enough so as to pick up on the fine details.

f/u question: how do you deal with publishing your work on the internet for free? does it ever scare you that strangers could copy and republish ur work without your knowing?

I guess that's one of my main apprehensions about posting loyally on writing platforms. I'm scared I'll write something I'm very proud of and have it plagiarized and not be able to track it back as my original property??

anyways, enough of my self-exposing on your q and a's feeling v vulnerable sharing my doubts so openly lol

thank youuuu :) ly <3

hiyaaa!! it's getting chilly, i won't lie, but other than that November has been pretty typical. likewise, i hope it's treating you well too!

honestly the fact you casually drop words like modicum probably suggests you're a paygrade above me in terms of writing hahaha

my answer is a long (srsly i just kept on going lmao) ramble, so I'll put a read more here haha

i've many lovely friends who i absolutely adore that I've met through writing that are now irls, but none of my friends that i know independently outside of writing have ever read my stuff - I've even got irl friends who are deep in the ao3 trenches, who are paying for other tannie writers' patreons, but we have an unspoken rule that my work is not to be read by them. i just don't let my friends read my work, full stop, so i get that sentiment.

the thing is, humans are naturally inclined to be storytellers - it's been that way for thousands of years. our tales are meant to be told. sharing is just a very human thing for us to do.

I've been publishing on wattpad (within the tannie space) for 4 years, now. readers didn't appear overnight - i actually recently found a screenshot of you up? from march 2021. it had 28 parts, 2.03k reads and 313 votes.

it now sits at 62 parts, 1.45million reads and 55k votes.

that's a little bit perspective for you, i guess - i'd written half of an entire novel that was averaging around 70 reads per chapter, but i loved that world, and i had story to tell, so i told it. some people viscerally hated it, some loved it. i was writing for me, and the numbers prove that. if you worry about the numbers, you'll never satisfied.

similarly, comparison is the thief of joy, or so they say.

comparing yourself to other writers is never healthy. there are far more 'successful' authors on wp in terms of reads, but i genuinely mean it when i say i think i have the most fulfilling and rewarding space on tannie wp because my readers are so unbelievably lovely. i wouldn't trade my current readership for bigger numbers, not a chance.

in terms of plagarism, there are 170,000 words in current use within the english language, and 36 plot types. we've exhausted a lot of them, already. overlap and similarities are bound to occur, so i try not get fixated on it.

take cv for example - i was so gassed up with myself when coining the terms mono and multi, only to find out after i'd finished writing the story that there was a drama with a similar concept that also used the term mono for a similar condition that aired after i'd already started writing cv. overlap happens.

similarly, we're a product of the media we consume. endeavour is my favourite word, because it was in a song i liked when i was a teenager and it stuck with me. i use it all the time, and we can trace it back to the pen of alex gaskarth lmao.

I've seen readers of mine publish work that's been heavily inspired by my work - with and without 'permission' - and i just sort of shrug my shoulders whenever i notice it.

the way i see it, we'll never tell the exact same story. likewise, no two readers will ever read identical texts the same way. i encourage creativity, and know how important it is for me to empty my brain, so I'll never go for someone's throat for doing the same. that's how myths were born, right? people telling and retelling the same stories over and over again? how am i gonna write a romeo & juliet x greek mythology inspired fic and then get annoyed for someone taking inspo from me?

just like the way hair will always grow back after a terrible cut, new words can always be written after a disappointing discovery. idk, i just don't take it very seriously, i guess.

as for whether or not your writing is any good - it's totally subjective. there are people who have explicitly, publicly stated their disdain for my writing. I've had cruel opinions about my writing projected and amplified to large followings. and it sucks.

but there are people who have been exceptionally kind about my writing, too. i get some of the loveliest messages in the world. there are tiktoks with hundreds of comments of just unadulterated loveliness directed towards my work. I'm afforded so much grace and love that it can be overwhelming at times.

not everything is for everyone, and that's okay. you can't let yourself get hung up on pleasing everyone.

the one thing i will say, is that if you're seriously concerned about your IP, write original characters, and use wattpad as your platform. i know they have a reputation, but they give a shit about copyright infringement and the second someone gets reported for plagiarism, they'll investigate it, and take down the story.

no reward without risk - you gotta decide if the risk of plagiarism is worth the reward of sharing your work.

and plus, ai is taking over anyways. may aswell write while we still can lol.

so i guess tl;dr - don't let outside influence impact your internal need to create. the right readers will find your work eventually, but it's not an overnight miracle kinda thing. if i stopped writing just because i didn't see results in my stats, then i would have stopped after kumiho, and we'd have never gotten throttle, or bd, or anything else of mine you might have read.

do it because you love it, and it fulfils you. i love the communities built around my stories, and that's why i share them. writing without sharing doesn't fulfil me in the same way.

okay i've really rambled too much so i'll leave it here, but i hope that helps a little!!! or at least has given you insight into my brain!!!!!!

luv u byeeeeeee

[patchesproblem]

What's your favourite trope

I'm not going to lie to you, I really don't know. It depends on what kind of trope you're asking about, I guess.

Character-wise there are patterns in who I tend to like, though I don't really know if there's a specific trope exactly. (TLDR of this one is basically think of Tesla and Einstein and how they are as people / their relationship and that's basically it.)

Most of them often have:

Probably traumatized and have a list of disorders longer than a CVS receipt.

Has a sense of joy that others consider 'immature' (think of Tesla getting happy over seeing that water thing (I forgot what it's called) in Yellowstone, or when she stared at Einstein admiringly)

Strange / odd in a way that most people don't understand. (Basically eccentric I guess?) Also in the funny way

Lesbian

Putting up an act / front as a way of protecting themselves, pushes people away, has like. One person they're attached to beyond belief.

For some reason a majority of the characters I like lately have some sort of doctorate or are involved in science. It's strange.

Ball of anger (In the Tesla way, not just being constantly angry and wanting to end people)

Also alcoholism somehow has managed to become a common theme between characters I like. No clue how or why but here we are. /hj

Was going to make a list of characters I like but suddenly my brain no longer works and I can't think of more than three characters that I actively care about, and I feel like it'd be embarrassing to have such a short list. I swear I have interests other than Einsla.

Ship wise.. Nobody would believe me if I said I didn't particularly care for shipping, would they. Tesla and Einstein are quite literally the exception. My other ships are more 'I like them but I don't really care' meanwhile Einsla is like 'I will die on this hill they're meant to be together DO NOT SEPARATE.'

I do have some tropes that I like within ships (though they're probably obvious if you look at my profile for .01 seconds)

Both are mentally ill but they share the same struggles so they understand each other in a way others wouldn't.

Understand each other in ways that others don't in general. Able to know what the others feeling / what they're thinking.

Attached together / almost always near each other.

Teasing each other in the lighthearted way.

Actually love each other and are in a happy healthy relationship. * This is a lie I have one ship where they're constantly trying to kill each other. You can be divorced 30 times over and hate each other as long as you're funny

Both are menaces

I can go into a lot more detail but I feel like it'll start going into me using Einsla to explain and I think people would throw bricks at me.

Story tropes.. I'll list different story things I really like since I don't really know the specific tropes.

Found family (basic I know but I'm mentally ill)

Mysteries

This one applies mainly to games, but since they're the main thing I actively enjoy I'm throwing it in anyways. Stories that have things hidden in collectable items that add more context / nuance to the story. (The story itself is understandable with or without it, however they add a deeper understanding of the world and characters / how things got the way they are)

I also enjoyed the way Portal and Half Life handled the story telling with Gordon Freeman and Chell just staying silent the whole time. I don't know why I just really enjoyed it. They have so much character even though they don't have a single voice line. So I guess silent protagonist.

I tried to write as many of these as possible without comparing them to Einsla, sorry if any of them sound strange or worded weirdly. It's currently six a.m. and my brains not particularly working properly. I'll reblog this if I think of anything else or figure out a way to explain it.

[therootbeersprite]

TL;DR: If you have sensory issues that make it hard to brush your teeth, over the counter oral anesthesia is something that can potentially help. In the US, it's called Benzocaine, and you can get it at CVS and such, in the aisle with things like toothpaste and denture cleaner. It tastes absolutely awful, but if you can get past that, it numbs your mouth rather effectively for about 10 minutes.

Also if you can't use mouthwash, try saltwater. Make it "as salty as the sea".

* * *

Content Warning: dental negligence, dismissive attitudes from medical professionals, loss of teeth

For pretty much my whole life, I've had a lot of trouble brushing my teeth because it was so sensory bad and painful. Whenever I told dentists that it was painful, they would say something along the lines of, "Your gums are swollen because you don't brush. Do it anyways and the pain will become less." Which is just not a helpful answer at all, when it's too painful to start in the first place.

After I got my autism diagnosis, I gained a measure of self-comprehension, and access to the phrase "autism sensory issue". The first time I used it was like magic.

Not brushing my teeth for literally decades has resulted in a lot of damage, so I now meet with a periodontist. We're can't save all of my teeth, but we're trying to save as many as we can. Part of that attempt is dealing with the issue of a lack of home care, aka not brushing my teeth. The first time I met her, I used the magic phrase "autism sensory issue", and the tone of the conversation completely changed: I wasn't just being difficult! I didn't just need to try harder! There was a real obstacle that needed to be dealt with! She asked how I responded to numbing my mouth. I didn't even know that was an option! She said that it's a common thing, and it's so safe that parents routinely numb the mouths of babies who are teething.

She looked up what it's called in the US (Benzocaine) and sent me home with a directive to hunt it down, and also a super soft post-surgical toothbrush to use until proper home care happened enough to get the afore-mentioned painful swelling down.

Folks, this has been an absolute game changer for me. I'm still not brushing my teeth three times a day like she wants me to do (I also have trouble with some of those other issues listed in the above infographic, but one problem at a time!) but inconsistent brushing is better than the previous zero brushing! It's amazing to me that after so very many years of visceral avoidance, I am now able to brush my teeth! I no longer have to get over the massive mental barrier of forcing myself to do an incredibly painful sensory thing to an incredibly sensitive part of my body!

I'm not going to lie or pretend otherwise: Benzocaine tastes pretty damn awful. But for me, the bad taste is far less of a problem than brushing my teeth without it was. I did get accustomed to the taste eventually, and also got better at applying it to my gums so that less of it gets on my tongue.

* * *

One more thing: I also have problems with mouthwash. I'm allergic to mint (which makes all of this dental drama just that much more fun) and the only mouthwash that I could easily access without any mint burned far too painfully for me to be willing to get anywhere near it ever again. My problem-solving periodontist told me to instead rinse my mouth with saltwater that tastes like the sea. I personally find it to be rather soothing, a nice little reward at the end of the stressful mouth-care process.

Hygiene as an Autistic and ADHDer

A.J’s Brain

[dopaminergicaddictions]

So I woke up at 3:30. I had therapy at 4:30. I went to cvs to get the mouthwash I have to drink. I'm going to start it tomorrow cause I have to do 4 doses every day and I can only do 3 today.

I talked to the owner at Plymouth glass. Yea they disputed it. She was a fucking cunt. She said the pre damage photos were the same. Well they fucking weren't and he broke it immediately before taking it lucky for him. She said sorry you feel that way. And I called her out and said that's not a real apology and she was like yes cause we didn't do it.

She basically called me a lair and I called her out and she was like I didn't say that but you just didn't notice it. Then she practically hung up on me

Now I'm waiting on progressive... I'm trying to get them off thr glass replacement list... cause that's all I can expect at this point... cause they are grimey and lie.

I bought super glue... cause now I have to glue it on place cause I'm poor... I would have seen it over in my glasses in my peripheral vision.

IT WASNT THERE BEFORE I WENT TO PLYMOUTH GLASS.

But now the best I'm going to get is it removed from glass replacement list. And I'm going to have a fucked up sun visor.

I'm fucking pissed.

I thought karma came around. I went to the gas station before I went to New Hampshire and the pump was prepaid. I was confused but I filled my tank. After swiping my car. I went in to get a receipt and a guy was there talking about how he paid for the wrong pump and cumbys was like sorry someone ran off with it we don't give away free gas. You're shit out of luck. And I decided to be a good person and I owned up to getting the, "free gas" and paid for the money I took.

3 days later a grimey technician rips my sun visor fabric and lies about and gets away with it.

Yea I thought about taking the free gas... until I saw the guy and how panicked he was. I couldn't live with myself. I thought about taking it bc I'm fucking poor. But once I saw him there was no fuckinf chance I could live with myself

I hate being a good person cause everyone else is such fucking shit. I do good things all the time. I get opportunities like the gas often and I do the right thing.

What do I get for it?

1) psychosis and a shitty therapist who didn't notice hearing a voice wasn't normal

2) my car getting ripped and the damage being covered up with one cunt of a owner

3) being eternally lonely with nothing to do

4) ocd attacks on the regular making my psychosis even worse

5) a voice that never shuts up

6) nothing to do on a Saturday night

7) holes in my boxers.

8) oh yeah I'm getting fatter I'm a 200 pounder now. And if I have to take thyroid meds bc psychosis doesn't go away I'm going to be a 250 pound fat ass with diabetes. Cause I'm fucking 5'4. Oh yeah and my new therapist sent me a link about autoimmune disorders... and psychosis and how treating the autoimmune disorder can erratic the voice... so the 250 pound round fat ass can finally have internal peace and be so fat and ugly no one would date him. Medication weight does not fall off when you stop it. Diabetes run rampant in my family.

9) I can't even enjoy one bo4 game but hey at least I'm leveling up right?

10) my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm prob visiting Connor hearing happy birthday behind me the entire time.

I'm so fucking done

[liminal-zone]

What do you make of the rumours that Charlie is getting replaced?

ANON, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ASKED THIS. THANK YOU. I HAVE THOUGHTS TO SHARE.

CONTEXT: So on e/on's twitter, someone posted that we will get Annatar in Eregion in The Rings of Power season two and it will not be played by Charlie Vickers. CV will be doing his Sauron thing in Mordor at the time. OR SOMETHING TO THIS EFFECT. cue: rop twt losing their marbles.

IT'S ME. HI. I'M THE FANDOM GRANDMA, IT'S ME. tldr: he's not, calm down.

Item 1. All leaks require several grains of salt. Even if true (and some leaks are 100% accurate (but often provided out of context)), there's a ton of ways this can play out*. Theorize, sure, but don't lose your peace over this. PROTECT YOUR PEACE. Leaks can lie, leaks can be out of context.

Item 2. Charlie Vickers was absolutely not fired (or his role diminished). What we've gleaned from interviews post finale is that he's literally playing Mairon in the first age* and this is a five year gig for him. Yes, we haven't seen his contract documents, but I have no doubt in my mind that we'll see him for the longevity of the show*. Also this is me being an annoying tinhat, but Amazon knew they hit the jackpot with Charlie as Sauron based on how ROP blossomed after the finale, they're not going to fuck with that magic that resulted in cold hard cash.

*Item 3. Okay, so my theory USED to be that we have Charlie as Sauron until the forging of the One Ring but I'm reading up on lore and now I'm sure we lose Charlie (maybe keep him as a CGI mess like Snoke) after the fall of Numenor when he loses his corporeal form in the flood and becomes a spirit of hatred borne on a dark wind who can somehow still carry the One Ring (jrrt says don't worry about it) and that has to be like... end of season 4. YOU KNOW. IDK. I bet then we get snoke-like Sauron for season 5?? I think we have Charlie in some fashion to the end. SO MY THEORY ON ANOTHER ACTOR is because he's a shape shifter, we gotta see another face at some point but I'VE SEEN TELEVISION, they do the thing where you see the other actor and then it's Charlie again playing it. And I wonder if they'll do that with Mairon since, you know, Adar didn't recognize him. Like. Hyped if we get another actor playing Sauron for a bit, but Charlie's the guy.

Item 4. IF THERE IS ANOTHER ACTOR PLAYING SAURON FOR A BIT, BE NICE TO THEM.

Edit. This tweet made me irl lmao

[mercurygray]

For the askbox meme: Downton Abbey + Sarah Maddox? Please and thank you!

She'd never been to the big house before.

Her father hadn't held with such things, even when her mother would gush about having Lady Cora in the shop to try on a new hat, and compliment her work. "They don't care about you, Mabel, and they never will. Not until they pay you what those hours are worth." It would probably kill him, now, if he knew where she was interviewing. Sarah Maddox, come cap in hand to the Crawleys. She could hear him say it, even now. Small blessing, then, that he didn't remember much, these days. And that was why she was here, wasn't it?

There was a fortune on these shelves - she was just admiring the gilding when someone spoke. "I can help you find something, if you like. My father always liked it to be more of a lending library."

The woman who was speaking was blonde, and well dressed - certainly not a maid but also certainly not Lady Mary. And the way she said 'lending library' made Sarah believe she ment a joke by it, a covert jab that she wasn't supposed to be here. "I've come about the secretarial position, ma'am. I believe I'm supposed to speak to Lady Mary." She looked around the room, and knowing how it might have looked, added, "I was told to wait here."

"My sister," the blonde replied, almost bored. "She left your CV on her writing desk. You've been a teacher before - and a writer."

"Yes, ma'am," Sarah said, trying to determine whether it was a condemnation or a congratulation. There had been three Crawley sisters - one of them had died. Was this Sybil or Edith? She couldn't remember. All of thier faces ran together.

"Rather an impressive list of publications. Why take this job at all? With your credentials you could do much better than what she's paying."

Sarah paused. What to say that would not get her immediately caught? She could hear her father's voice now, speaking as he would at one of his union meetings. Don't give them anything they can use against you. "I like a writer's freedom, but steady pay isn't bad, either." Not a lie - but not the whole truth either. Steady pay, yes, but also being close to Dad, and to Fred and the girls - and far away from Nigel.

The blonde nodded, appreciating a practical approach, but she said no more, for another woman had arrived, all ramrod straightness and dark hair. "I think I can be trusted to do my own interviewing, Edith," she said cuttingly, before turning back to Sarah. "Miss Maddox, I assume. You have the honor of addressing my sister, the Marchioness of Hexham. I hope she hasn't been giving you too hard a time." She made a gesture to the pair of couches in front of the fireplace, a small writing tablet in one hand.

"She's been the very model of decorum," Edith said, saving Sarah from having to give an answer that would make an enemy of one sister or the other. "Best of luck, Miss Maddox. And if she doesn't give you a job," she said, her hand on the library door. "Come and see me."

[brideofcthulhu10]

The Lost Boys Find Out Their Fem!S/O is Pregnant [4/4]

SUBJECT WARNING: PHYSICAL AGRESSION, SEXUAL THEMES AND A WHOLE LOT OF SWEARING. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Alrighty then, my lovely fang babes! Here we are, we have the last of the first edition of the pregnancy saga! Worry not, dearest readers, for there is hope! I plan on doing a separate series about going through the pregnancy, and maybe even going through the childbirth with how the boys are as new dads. Let me know in the comments if you'd like to see more, and by tomorrow night we'll have a whole new set to love!

It was such a blast writing Paul's, I'm not gonna lie I got lost in the magic! We have a cute little character cameo for all you 80s movie nerds, lemme know if you can figure out what it is! So, without any more delays; here he is. The gorgeous, the goofy, the one, the only:

PAUL

Today had been an unexpected challenge. You barely got through your shift at the record store, every time you were in light it made you dizzy. Hangovers had nothing on this! Did you drink too much the night before? No, now that you thought about it any attempts to drink had you hugging a toilet. Not to mention your period was late as hell! Well, not the cramps, go figure. Just no blood. None at all. 

You never let on to your beau, Paul, though. The party boy vampire would become overly worried if you told him you were sick, and you weren't about to spoil a good time with a bit of nausea. So here you were, stumbling about the day into the late afternoon absolutely miserable. Your manager Iona offered you some crackers and ginger ale during your lunch break. No dice, within an hour you were running to the bathroom again. 

"Gosh hon, I dunno what ta tell ya. Maybe you ate something nasty, I told you that boardwalk food was fishy," Iona sighed, poking at her own lunch with a fork. Currently your coworker Andie was watching the front until you were feeling better.

"Kill me now, Iona," you groaned, chin resting on the table with your arms laid over your head. Then there was a smell. The greatest, most flavorful, mouthwatering scent you've ever experienced. Like a honey baked ham and a New York sirloin had a glorious new baby drizzled in ecstasy. Glancing over, your stomach growled at whatever it could be. If this were a cartoon you'd be flying to what it was.

Oddly enough, it was coming from Iona. Well, whatever black stuff was in her little plastic tupperware dish. Who cares what it was, it smelled incredible.

"Hey uh..," you asked, leaning over towards the sticky, mysterious delicacy calling your name. "You wouldn't mind if I had a bite, would ya?"

"You sure, hon? This isn't exactly your average dish, it's kinda weird," she tried to explain. God you couldn't take your eyes off it! Finally, your merciful manager pushed it your way, and you couldn't resist any longer. 

"I don't even care, this is the first thing in the past two days that hasn't made me nauseous," you muffled between cosmic bites.

Oh shit, this was heaven! It had to be some sort of meat, it reminded her of a nice spicy kielbasa, a slow roasted brisket, every second it changed to some new world of food you had never tried. What it was didn't matter by this point.

"Wooow. I've never met someone who liked black pudding that much."

Pudding? "I thought it was meat or something? It doesn't taste anything like pudding," you insisted, polishing off the very last specs of it. "Got any more?"

"No, no, not like chocolate pudding or stuff like that, kiddo. black pudding. It's this dish from the UK my new boyfriend made me. It's congealed pig's and cow blood mixed with spices."

You made a face. Blood? Like, blood blood? The cow equivalent of what Paul drank on a daily basis? Yet this was the first time you didn't puke, in fact, you kinda wanted more. Even knowing what is was made of.. for some reason you craved more. Meanwhile Iona continued to talk on and on, until one phrase caught your ears. "Yea, ya know my mom was so into for the longest time. Said she craved it her whole pregnancy, I never got a taste for it honestly."

A single thought popped into your head. A dangerous, foreboding thought that your intuition said was very much a possibility. In a flash you jumped up, nearly slamming your hands on the table. "I gotta go. Oh shit, I gotta go! I'll be right back, I swear, I'm so sorry, I swear to god I'll be right back," you shouted as you bolted out of the store.

"Wait what-?!"

You'd make it up to her once you got back. You had to know! You had to be sure..! Please just let it be paranoia! Please let it be anything, anything at all besides what you thought it was!

Once you reached the nearest CVS you made a B-line to the women's health section. Your hair clung to your face, your lungs stung like crazy but all you could think about was getting answers. And cue the disapproving glare of some old bat picking out a box of pads. Alright being 17 in front of the pregnancy tests looked bad. You weren't just a high schooler, you looked it too. "What're you looking at, " you snarl. Immediately she clutched her pearls, startled by this abrasive youngin' in no mood for dirty looks. God why'd there have to be so many options? Pink boxes, purple ones, bright yellow insisting it worked the fastest. The heavy fluorescent lights were no help at all, it made your head spin. You had no time for this crap. In a sweeping motion you grabbed three different brands and threw them into your basket, all you needed was….where was your wallet? Shit... Glancing around you checked for any nearby cameras or staff. Karma be damned, it was an emergency! Five finger discount it was. 

Once again you made a mad dash back to the record store as the sun finally set. All three boxes were crumpled in your hand, your boots running so fast it you hit a rock that'd be it.

But getting back to the record store was your best bet. You weren't about to pee in some dirty, old, nasty pharmacy bathroo- oh fuck. There was something that finally slowed your steps, nearly making you trip in the process. Four bikes parked right outside. Three of which were occupied by by Dwayne, David and Marko all talking amongst themselves.

Shiiiit, shit, shit! All you could do was swear repeatedly. Before they could spot you, you practically dove into the alleyway behind the store, rapidly disabling the alarm. If that went off it'd be a dead giveaway. Quickly you looked left and right before you slammed the door shut behind you still trying to catch air.

But there, right past the door to the employees lounge, over by the counter you could see a mass of blonde hair chatting away with Iona about Led Zeppelin's best album to date. Paul, gorgeous as every, laughing. It made your heart flutter, but then it sank. What if it was a-... He was never the type to run away from a challenge. But then again, a kid wasn't a challenge, it was a massive ordeal. It would take a huge chunk of his life- well, afterlife! Boozing and cruising would be switched out with drowsy days and busy nights. You weren't sure if you wanted him to know if you were, it would take all that from him. Unfortunately, he must've smelled you or sonething, because immediately he turned around like a puppy being called.

"Babe," he cheered with delight, rushing over to hug you. Rather squeeze you by your hips and lift you four feet off the ground. Quickly you stuffed the skinny boxes into your back pocket, now smushed up against his chest. "Where were you? Ion's said you just bolted mid-shift, we were worried sick! Well, I mean, I was more worried though, cuz I can't stand you bein' gone, kitten."

"Well, yeah uh, I forgot something I had to get at the store, and I forgot what time I got off," you hesitated, still antsy to escape to the bathroom. Truthfully you didn't actually want to, you had to! If you could, you'd just kiss him and ride off into the night to raise some hell like you always did. But this was too big to ignore.

Paul raised a brow. You weren't known for being this jumpy. You wouldn't look him in the eyes, they just kept darting towards the bathroom. Boy, you really did look sick, though. Pale, almost greenish with dark circles under your eyes. You even felt colder than usual. "Am I uh, interrupting something, babe?"

You managed to work out if his arms, giggling nervously. "Actually I-I had some of Iona's lunch earlier, and I just, gotta- be right back!"

With that, you bolted into the bathroom and slammed the door behind you. Again, weird. Paul just shrugged, maybe you had some bad Mexican.

 Iona wasn't convinced. Little miss jumpy-pants skipping out on her, you owed her an explanation. While Paul perused the albums she sunk over to the bathroom, rapidly tapping on the door. "Y/N! Psst! You good in there, hon?"

You were most certainly NOT good! Your hand shook, the third test finally finished. Not like it mattered! They all said the same thing. Every fucking one of them.

Positive. Positive. Positive.

No, no, no!

"Shit," you hissed. "Shit! Oh shit, oh fuck! Fuck-fuckity shit fuck fuck! Dammit." That's all you could do! You swore over, and over, and over, rapidly kicking the wall in front of you. Stupid pink plus! Why? Why did it have to be a plus?? Immediately you threw it in the trash and scooped up the other two. Maybe they were all flukes? Maybe only a doctor could tell you! You had to get home. Like now. Right now, you just had to rush home, make an appointment at the doctors, maybe hide in shame for a few days just until you could figure out what the hell to do with all this! Once again you wedged the tests in your back pocket and nearly tripped, cracking open the door to face your boss. "Iona, I gotta get home."

"Seriously, Y/N?? Why? What is with you?"

"Please, I swear I will make it up to you, I'll take a double shift, I'll wash your damn car-"

"Oh no, nuh-uh. Not until you tell me why you're being such a spaz," she practically shouted in a hissing whisper, absolutely exasperated. You teens and your drama, when she always said she wanted to fell young again this is NOT what she meant!  

"Listen i-... iyay amyay egnantpray," you whispered. Pig latin. It was a little code you two usually reserved for secrets. Well, that and talking smack about snotty customers. But wow was this a big ol' secret. 

Iona covered her mouth. Oh, you little idiot! You poor little idiot. Looking over at the unsuspecting boyfriend she sighed, looking you in the eyes. She wanted to just tell you to come clean to your man. The boy hung around you constantly, you two were the ultimate it-couple, there wasn't even sparks it was like watching supernovas. Something this big.. it shouldn't be left in the dark!

But that pitiful expression on your face just begged her to keep quiet, and frankly it wasn't her place to tell you what to do- well, at least in this regard. "Alright, alright. This saturday you're taking my night time shift, there's a big concert I wanna go to. And you gotta wax my car, it's gettin' nasty. And you better write the best damn apology note in the history of apology notes, sweetie. This is huge, you better come clean to him eventually, or I'll kick your little butt you hear me?"

"Yes. Absolutely, fine, deal. Just please, please keep him busy, I'm not ready to tell him," you whined, clutching the door. Frankly it sounded like a piss poor plan, but it couldn't be helped, not right now at least. You didn't have the strength to confront the situation head on, you were barely keeping it together. You wanted to cry all over, jump into his arms and come clean now, but this was neither the time or place.

As soon as Iona went to go over to Paul you stuffed the tests into your purse and bolted out the back door, only this time stealth was not on your side. Right at the mouth of the alleyway, just as you were about to be home free- you ran smack dab into a particularly lithe blonde that felt like a brick wall. You went flying onto the ground, your purse crashing onto concrete with a hundred pieces of your privacy going every direction. In a panic you began to rapidly stuff it all back, barely able to hide the first two tests as you threw some half baked apology Marko's way. Honestly he deserved a better one than that, but you were too frazzled to be fair at the moment.

"Oh shit, Y/N," Marko exclaimed, immediately kneeling down to help you gather the scattered remains of your purse. "Sorry, I didn't even see you, I was coming back for a smoke. Big Ed is such a douche, can you believe theres no smoking on the-..." His words trailed off, and you shortly saw why. Grasped between his pointer finger and thumb was the little pink strip, and a look of complete disbelief. All you could do was snatch it from him, a heavy moment of silence magically muffling the wild noise and shouts of the busy boardwalk. 

"Do...D-Don't worry about it. Look, I gotta get home, I'll see you arou-," you started, trying to jump up, maybe catch him off guard and make a run for it. Not this time. 

You hadn't even noticed he grabbed your wrist, it was such a blur. He stayed silent, standing up and looking right into your eyes with hidden malcontent. You swore if you answered wrong this mischievous cat would tear your throat out. After all, you were his best friend's girl. If you did anything, ANYTHING, to hurt him... Well, let's just say a pregnancy would be the least of your worries. "Why are you running, Y/N? What the hell is this thing," he asked quietly, eyes flickering between red and blue. "Did you…?"

"Oh don't fuckin' even," You snapped, smacking his arm, yanking your hand out of his grasp. "Of course not! You butt! God, are you serious? What do you take me for- No! I- fuck I just- no!" You kick the tin trash can beside you, watching a plethora of trash fly into the air. "I am freaking out! Of course it's Paul's. Oh fucking god, it's Paul's and I don't know what to do!"

Marko's expression softened, placing a hand on your shoulder. "Hey, I didn't mean to make it sound like that, Y/N. Paul's my friend, I just had to be sure you weren't sneaking around, you know?"

You sighed, pushing back your mess of a hair with misty eyes. This was perfect, a real big screw up from start to finish. All you could do was look over at Marko with pleading eyes. "You can't tell him yet. Please, just please please PLEASE, Marko, don't tell Paul yet!"

"Tell me what, babe?"

Shit. Shit on a stick. You looked behind to see Paul halfway out the back door with a look of concern, one that he rarely carried. You and your dumb mouth, go figure.

The blonde pushed through and let the door close behind him, looking over at his best bud standing alone with his girlfriend who was begging him to keep something secret, from him no less.

 "Marko?"

"Nah, nah, don't look at me man, this is all on you guys," he sighed, hands up in a shielding motion. "Good luck buddy. Gotta go, Y/N." with that the young vampire excused himself from this melting pot of drama, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

You just stood there, keeping the little strip tightly grasped behind your back. Paul was silent, but glancing at his hands you saw they were balled so tight his knuckles were white. "P-paul…," you hesitated, biting down on your bottom lip. "I should really… get home.."

Paul only raised a brow, glancing at your arms still tucked behind you. This wasn't like you to hide from him, and that alone frightened him. Nothing had ever frightened him before. And he didn't like the taste of it one bit. "What's behind your back, babe?"

"What?"

Again his spoke, this time his voice lowered into a low growl. "What... do you have... behind your back, babe?" The way he said it was so firm, it made you shake a little. You didn't like stern Paul. They way he hissed the word "babe", practically spoken through clenched teeth

Your throat ached, eyes darting across the ground struggling to think up a good excuse. Anything. A book, your purse, a surprise for him! Anything!

"N-nothing." Apparently, you failed to find any excuses. Great.

Paul's knuckles began to crack, jumping forward to try and snatch it from behind you. When you dodged him, he grew even more furious. You both began to struggle, pushing him away, insisting he just stop and let you leave. But every attempt to reject him only upset him further. Why were you hiding things from him?! How could you just ditch him at the record store when he was worried sick about you??

The struggle built up until finally he had enough. His eyes turned white with rings of fire, brow looming heavily over his eyes and fangs jutting out where his incisors once were. In a flash he grabbed you by you wrists, pinning you so hard to the wall it shook. You still tried to struggle. Thrash, kick, squirm! Steel wished it could be so strong, your muscles ached. This probably wasn't even his full strength, but it dwarfed you in comparison. This terrifying side of Paul you had certainly seen before, but never had you been on the receiving end. It was in all sense of the word, predatorial. He'd never try to kill you, but you still felt that horror build up inside. Rapid, sharp breaths made your chest heave, too afraid to look up at those red eyes still fixated on whatever you kept hidden from him. He continued to pry your stubborn fingers open, ignoring your shaking whimpers. He squoze your wrist, the tendons aching and contracting until your fingertips began to lift up. Any resistance was pretty much useless at this point, but dammit you still tried everything to worm out of his grip. But he had finally had it, you weren't gonna be keeping secrets from him. Now your last finger was pushed off, and he could see what was so damn important that you physically fought him to keep it secret. It was almost slow motion the way the strip spun to the ground, clattering down and landing beside his mud caked boots. He froze, slowly looking down at it. That's it? That's all you-...

You could barely read his face, so many different emotions flashing across it all at once. Occasionally he'd look back up at you, then back down at it. To the point you almost got annoyed that you were still being stuck to a wall while the reality set in. After all, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what that was, just put you down already!

Paul looked at you still pinned beneath him, horrified at how he lost his temper and immediately released you. Still rubbing away the pain across your wrists, you watched him pick it up. A wave of guilt swarmed your body, you didn't know whether to hug him or punt him in the chest.

Hell, a massive tidal wave of guilt overflowed him too. It'd been such a long time since he got that angry.. but worst of all he'd never been like that with you. Never grabbed you so forcefully and ignored your pleas, it was a dark side of him he never wanted to display in front of you. Glancing at the little pink plus at the end of the stick, his mind swirled with a plethora of questions. But slowly he stood up, looking down at you still really trying to process everything that had happened in the past few minutes. "I don't… I don't understand.."

"You- You are such an ass," you shouted out of nowhere, enough that it made him jump. There you were. That's the fiery girl he knew, not the one he exactly wanted to be on the opposing side of at the moment, though.

Paul wasn't surprised you were pissed, but he definitely didn't expect you to start punching his arm. Again. Then again, and again you just kept hiting his arms, his chest, pushing and crying, you were so mad you wanted to chuck him in the ocean! It didn't really hurt that much, but he felt awful he drove you to that point.

Tears blurred your vision as you lashed out on him. All you could do was yell names between sobs, even whack him with your purse. "Paul, you absolute jerk! Butt! Jackass! You smarmy, half wit, blood-sucking tool! You said you were packing blanks, you absolute liar! I was gonna tell yo-! I mean, I know I shouldn't have run-! But you just couldn't wait- and then Marko- and you! You ! Jerk ! Butthead !"

"Hey, ow! Ow! Ow, dammit! I know, I know I went to far-ow not the hair dammit," he demanded, grabbing your arms before you could lay another mighty blow. "Babe! Babe, stop! I thought I was! I swear I didn't know- I-..I never thought that I could get you...." His hands slowly released your shoulders, moving to your hips. "I'm so sorry, baby. I swear, I didn't know.. I'm so sorry."

The way his voice softened only made you want to cry more. This whole day was a mess. You didn't mean to try and run.. You never should've tried to in the first place. God, you were so tired. All this running around, all this secrecy, the fighting, it was exhausting. Paul was the last person you wanted to fight. Sure you had spats and a few heated arguments. Every couple did, even vampires. But this, it was just so.m draining. With a firm thud you plopped your forehead on his sternum, your fingers tightly clinging to the upper sleeves of his jacket. "Wh-what am I supposed to do-… what are we supposed to do now..?"

Paul pondered his options with a solemn face, but there was only one that made him happy. Only one that sat right in his heart. What else could he possibly do, there was only ever going to be one answer even if you told him right away. Most of all, he couldn't stand the sorrow in your eyes. A frown never suited such a beautiful face. He never expected there to be anything to come from your heavy sexcapades, it never seemed like there was any risks in it. He'd never seen a vampire munchkin, least of all he'd never even heard of a vamp conceiving with a human. All he knew now is you, crying in his arms, terrified of what you were carrying. What it could mean. In that moment, he steeled his resolve and came to a final decision.

Silently he tilted your chin up, using his thumb to brush away all those tears staining your cheeks. Those blue eyes, you could get lost in them. Swallowed up by the sea. It wasn't hard to read his mind when he held onto your hip with one hand, while the other that pushed away salty droplets now cupped your cheek. Within moments you crashed your mouth into his, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck.

Warm. A surge of heat filled your body. It was the first time you felt truly alive all day. You could feel your chest heave against his, you didn't want any space between the two of you and only pressed tighter until there wasn't anything left. Each kiss gave momentary breath before you dove in for more. Neither of you could stop. You didn't want to pull away, not even for a split second. The way he smelled, the way he tasted, the way he touched you, the way he felt beneath your fingers; it made your head spin. His hands began to wander, you clutched at anything you could get a hold of. Your body burned, so sweet and long. In those moments the world stopped, it just melted away in streams of light. No one was there but you two. 

It was over too soon, both of you rapidly panting for breath still intertwined. Oh, how you could stare into his eyes forever.

That frown was long gone, replaced by a tender smile. The one he had come to cherish. Paul chuckled softly, breathlessly nuzzling against your collar bone. Slowly he leaned in close to your ear, his disheveled blonde hair brushing up against your cheeks. Lips trailed up flesh, reavhing just beneath your ear. And then you heard those three forbidden words. Such sweet, tender words, you hadn't expected him to say. Although he whispered them so softly they might have gotten lost in the wind, to you they were as clear as the moon on a cloudless night.

"Y/N.... I love you."

It made your heart throb, you thought you might even faint. A lifetime of struggles led up to this beautiful moment. You never expected it to be a half-undressed heavy make out session with your vampire lover, the father of your unborn spawn, in the back alley of a record store on the Santa Carla Boardwalk. But here you were, nestled between him and an old brick wall. Paul loved you, he had said it, he finally said those words that could destroy any doubt you had. And more than anything in the whole wide world, you knew once and for all, you loved Paul.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: pick me up Joe: rude you clearly did without me Joe: but I'll be able to do a twofer, yeah 👌 Joe: send your distress signal so I know where to point Ronnie: [wherever she's been working for a hot sec, I dread to think lol] Joe: you making a complaint about their cold-calls in person? Joe: tick off initiative on your CV Ronnie: my sides have split & it aint fuck all to the piss poor stitching Joe: see how far we can stretch your guts either side of you, fun Joe: did you self-sew or see one of your gun-wielding pals? different principle tats and triage Ronnie: then you can play a round of guess how much of this blood is mine, get yourself proper going Joe: too kind, stop me from charging the going rate for a while yet 🚖 Joe: what office supply did you use though Joe: if you were too cliche, you are going to have to sit up front and talk to me, proper cabbie punishment Ronnie: everything got nicked day 1 baby they werent about to waste any staples keeping shit on desks Ronnie: phone & a script is your lot Joe: there any drug we can act like anyone's calling it oscar on the street? Joe: you fully Joe Pesci'd someone with the phone, yeah? 👏 Ronnie: any gear that should go straight in the bin Ronnie: call it oscar Joe: you are wasted on 0 hour contracts, my dear Ronnie: not wasted enough for em Joe: join me at your local overpriced shit coffee dealer Joe: our bathrooms couldn't pass a piss test but they all only want the ⬆pers Joe: 💔 Ronnie: ill have an escort if you dont get a fucking move on Ronnie: you got enough student spends to feed coffee & doughnuts to the full force yeah Joe: say lucky you but security guards got as many hairs on their head as they got IQ points Joe: lot down Soho are decent conversationalists, unlike Daz and Gaz Joe: I did just get this terms though so hold on and you can help me 🔥 through it Ronnie: i dont get turned on by einstein & his pals mckenna thats your wank fuel Ronnie: easiest way to get a cunt off my back is to put him on his Joe: he only banged his cousin, that's nothing to waste energy on Ronnie: 💔 none of your cousins look enough like your mam for you Joe: why do you think i was searching Joe: daring to dream Ronnie: give a fuck about your nancy drew fantasies Ronnie: that schoolgirl shit is tapped Joe: the catholic schoolgirl uniforms have been overstated Joe: not all that in person, be the review Joe: nuns though, yeah Joe: enough mild peril to manage Ronnie: charlie will be gutted youve switched from homos to dykes Joe: you're the only one who's guts I wanna play around Joe: I'll break it to him nicely Joe: doughnuts, yeah Ronnie: consolation hole Ronnie: youve had shitter ideas Joe: it was yours, in fairness Joe: dunno about offering up my hole to every bloke at the met but if I put my foot down shouldn't be an issue Ronnie: i dont reckon a consolation footjob is gonna cut it Ronnie: not my first offence Joe: giving away how highly you think of my 🍑 Joe: what happened then, beyond telemarketing being worse than shitting out razorblades Ronnie: you wish you had 1 whitey Joe: says you Ronnie: if i had any curves theyd be cut off by now Joe: junkie chic before the habit Joe: some girls have all the luck Ronnie: lucky i need your bullshit heroics for this or id send you on a fools errand to sleuth the pieces out of landfill Joe: white knight > jester Joe: not my usual style, but for you I'll make an exception Ronnie: unless youre gonna say your horse fucking girlfriend dressed you the other night ive already seen it like Joe: you think her thing is budget kurt cobain? Joe: or that she's blind Ronnie: be blind by now if you catholics arent full of shit about touching yourself too much Ronnie: homesick for the horse & rejected by you Joe: what do you think its called Joe: my bets are on some boy band member she fancied when she was 11 and daddy was gutted Ronnie: or the 1st lad she wanted to meet round the back of the bike sheds Joe: you're such a romantic Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: im thinking like a basic white bitch from kent or wherever the fuck you said Joe: you do it well Joe: no way her school had anything common like bikesheds though so knocking a point off Joe: getting fingered on the hellipad is more voyeuristic but has less of a charm about it Ronnie: write a song about it Ronnie: shes gonna be charmed by the namedrop Joe: return the favour Joe: she's making me help her with her coursework Ronnie: plaster cast of your cock and then what Ronnie: tell her you aint no hendrix & its been done Joe: charlie wishes, whitey Joe: I'll cc 'em both in about my disappointing dick Ronnie: ill pass on gaz & daz numbers Joe: god I hope the plaster ain't dried Ronnie: god aint listening to you nancy Joe: adds up Joe: that kind of dad, technically always keep an eye but going in one ear and out the other Joe: 💔 woe is me Ronnie: irish catholics aint got fuck all going on between the ears she werent in it for that Joe: fucked me up with her shit genetics then Joe: you manage to get a pen? Joe: shove it in my ear and dig it out Ronnie: pull it out of my neck & you can stick it where you like Joe: we'll let the blood piss out 'til it feels right Ronnie: im the romantic Ronnie: shut up Joe: alright, you need to be conscious to woo me Ronnie: couldve fooled me Joe: dead girls pale in comparison Joe: 💘 Ronnie: the boners you lot have got for open caskets over there i dont reckon youve ever seen a dead girl the proper colour Joe: just said you were #1 but you've got to be 1 and only, yeah? Ronnie: in your fever dreams mckenna Ronnie: i aint looking that much like your ma however much slap i put on Joe: you're prettier than her Ronnie: now you want me to drink bleach instead of having a bath in it Ronnie: make up your fucking mind like Joe: just knew that would wind you up Joe: gotta bring out some cliches Joe: you're perfect just the way you are, you know Ronnie: drop dead Joe: god willing Joe: he's being fucking slow about it, despite my best efforts Ronnie: ill give it my best shot if you keep on Joe: another one for the cv Ronnie: find it written in my blood shit & bile on this wall Ronnie: thats your girlfriends coursework aced for her Joe: beats the lecture I'm skipping out on by miles Ronnie: no shit none of em are dressed like nuns Joe: none of 'em hate me like you either Joe: so damn likeable, its a curse Ronnie: i dont wanna hear about all your teachers trying to pet you Ronnie: childhoods over golden boy Joe: and all without me getting molested once Joe: by any nuns or teachers anyway Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: why youre such an annoying cunt Joe: abuse really humbles you, does it Joe: builds character Ronnie: gives you something to properly cry about Joe: got nothing on the shit my brain can make up Joe: idle hands and all that Ronnie: yeah youre so special baby Joe: it's just being mental or not Joe: if you ain't, you can go through whatever fucked up shit and be alright still Joe: if you're mental nothing even needs to happen and you'll be worse off Joe: some of us ain't got a chance from conception Ronnie: tell me something i dont know Ronnie: poster child for not having a fucking chance & any mental problems they wanna attach Joe: you better pay for more ad space Joe: call it karma, or dodgy genetics Joe: but I make a great case for abortion Ronnie: like i said before not one that needs to be put to me Ronnie: had more of em than youve had misery boners Joe: won't make you tell me about 'em Joe: no way you'd be as descriptive as the furious pro-lifers who act like the baby is fit to crawl out when you kill it Ronnie: hot Ronnie: shouldve called 1 of em to pick me up instead Joe: condemnation and loathing is meant to be my thing Ronnie: sharings meant to be your thing too yeah? Joe: only when it's inadvisable Ronnie: only when you wanna Joe: if you got to play oldest you'd know that's sadly untrue Ronnie: stuck being the cliche middle kid between fitz & the other one Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: seeking attention and approval because you're overlooked and under-appreciated? Joe: it's why 3 is a good number, any more and you've got multiple middle kids Joe: maybe I don't wanna fuck my mum, just missing all 3 of my own so much 🙄 Ronnie: they wish anyone could overlook me Ronnie: & you deffo do wanna fuck her so thats shit on your thesis Joe: yeah, sounds just like them Joe: suits you Joe: like the basic white bitch thing Ronnie: go fuck your mam Ronnie: im too tired for this Joe: you won't have no early start tomorrow sound of Ronnie: didnt have an early start today Ronnie: thats what kicked off this bullshit Joe: fair enough Joe: who wants a cold call at 7am Ronnie: the cunt who runs the place will be getting 1 off me til he pays me Joe: lucky him Joe: might wanna stay in your debt longer, romantic that you are Joe: attention very flattering Ronnie: what im hearing is i should tell his missus some fucking fairytale about the attention he was giving me Ronnie: everyonell be made up with the lie Joe: could do Joe: like your flair Joe: or I could come in, tell him you're mental and that he didn't make adequate allowances for you but now you're too traumatized to come back so he should just pay and we won't have to sue Joe: might get damages on top Ronnie: who are you my fucking school age carer like Joe: i'm believable, and more palatable than you outwardly Joe: anyway i look older Ronnie: than what 12 Joe: you have a baby face Joe: i look like i've not slept in as many years Joe: which is pretty accurate, as it goes Ronnie: do i fuck Ronnie: i look like ive shaken a baby to death Joe: child on child crime Joe: shocking headlines there, like that scottish girl who was fucked then got out and was someone's gran like she didn't kill a toddler Ronnie: see how palatable you are when I kick your teeth in Joe: it's a curse Joe: if you wanna lift it and be my hero instead of it being this way 'round Joe: love you forever, like Ronnie: ill lift your wallet fuck the rest Joe: already offered you my money Joe: not even a challenge, soft touch Ronnie: like youve ever been challenged soft lad Joe: go on Ronnie: youre already going on loads Joe: bet you've never heard about the traffic in this city, have ya Ronnie: fuck it ill go lay in it Joe: 😍 Ronnie: save the pillow talk for when youre offering me somewhere else to sleep Ronnie: would let you fuck me for entry to horse girls en suite if theres a bath in it Joe: where's your bed gone Ronnie: its got a hysterical homo in it whos only gonna get himself in more of a fanny flap cause ive been sacked Ronnie: ill take the wreckage of a 4 car pile up or whatever Joe: gotcha Joe: how long 'fore he calms it Ronnie: how long are you offering to spend buying him drinks & cupping his balls Joe: i get it Joe: you wanna wifeswap Joe: not just her art assignment you're interested in Joe: but you can just take my bed, I'm always falling asleep on the sofa or up the table and she'll relish at more chance to watch me sleeping Ronnie: your room got a 🔒 Joe: yeah but you're alright, it's on the inside Joe: not going to get fritzl about it Ronnie: youd need more than that to keep me in Ronnie: which youd know if you were earning off dealing with my mental problems Joe: not giving you a challenge either, don't get hysterical yourself like Ronnie: you couldnt like Ronnie: bigger pussy than your basic white girlfriend Joe: oh god stop talking about it Joe: i'll be sick Ronnie: no stomach for any kind of challenge Joe: you crack on Joe: i'll stick to 🍩 Ronnie: not so needy for some clean piss that ill be licking her out for it Joe: you should write this song for me Ronnie: whats in it for me Ronnie: got all your spends on a promise as is Joe: the fame and full writing credits, obviously Ronnie: fuck off obviously Joe: that's how we know you're not really a middle kid Ronnie: more shit you can come at your ma with Joe: I'll save it for the next holiday Ronnie: 💘 Joe: what about your dad Ronnie: i dont reckon hes up for another go on her if youre there watching Joe: 💔 Joe: i meant do you know what happened to him Joe: you might have more interesting half brothers out there, what I'm thinking Ronnie: got no interest in little fucking kids Joe: so you do know Joe: did he come find you or what Ronnie: dont get jealous nance Ronnie: did it myself like Joe: he meet your expectations Ronnie: what kind of fucking soft shit is that Ronnie: get a grip mckenna he aint rich Joe: a no would suffice Joe: though it's adorable you really kicked it like Annie over it Joe: you could've said you had none, or you expected him to be dead or worse, a useless cunt Ronnie: why would i say fuck all to you about it Joe: too painful too private Joe: gotcha Ronnie: wank over your own parents when i aint waiting Joe: the fact you've not implied I'd prematurely cum in my pants Joe: you're so full of hope it's equal parts inspiring and worrying Ronnie: get out of my face before i kick yours in Ronnie: everyone who aint gone blind can see youre a virgin Joe: don't be jealous, sid Ronnie: you cant tell your older sister what to do baby Ronnie: that aint how this works Joe: it wasn't good ever Ronnie: course youre crying about that too Ronnie: fucking hell Joe: just trying to ease your jealousy Joe: anyway, you'll be pleased to know the lacklustre results were down to my lack of trying, not theirs Ronnie: 1 less dose of the clap & i might still be fertile now thats fucking worrying Ronnie: keep your status choir boy Joe: bit cliche far as fantasies go but alright Ronnie: you started it Ronnie: trying to make me feel special Joe: no need to try is there Ronnie: not now my gag reflex has been triggered Joe: like that ain't been decimated by now too Ronnie: youre learning Ronnie: your teachersll be made up Joe: hope for the molestation yet? Joe: nice Ronnie: ease your 💔 & limp dick Joe: calm down Joe: might get attached Ronnie: do your grades the world of good Joe: you wanna help me with my homework? Ronnie: youre that shit in the sack you still wont get an a after giving your teachers a going over Ronnie: unlucky like Joe: so you can help me Joe: what else you gonna do whilst you're hiding from charlie Ronnie: use your imagination Joe: no need Joe: you'll be sharing Ronnie: cant stop you kicking the door in Ronnie: its yours Joe: just the needle, not the bed, like Joe: you're fine Ronnie: yeah youll be between horse girls sheets Joe: don't reckon she's strong enough to carry me Ronnie: only has to strap a saddle on Joe: 😂 Ronnie: fuck knows what she would fill your nose bag with Joe: the surprise is the fun part Ronnie: dont come crying to me when its oscar Joe: if she was half as interesting as you're making out, might stand a chance of working Joe: as it goes, probably be granola Ronnie: stick her thatll make her more your type Joe: come on Joe: she don't look a thing like my mother Ronnie: fucks sake when shes under get a 🔪 Ronnie: do your best like Joe: i keep telling you i'm not one for trying Ronnie: trying not to cry is as far as it goes yeah Joe: even my kiddy medicine cuts that shit off Joe: ain't been able to since I was 12 Joe: not that there was much call for it, my perfect life with mummy dearest Ronnie: the other week before you met me then Ronnie: gutted i broke your streak Joe: you sure you ain't interested in little fucking kids Joe: rearrange that sentence and Freud is having a field day Ronnie: make the effort to get here before i start to rot Ronnie: not trying to make that cunts day or yours Joe: you'd have liked him Ronnie: he rich off peddling that bullshit to the masses Joe: yeah and he reckoned cocaine was the cure for heroin addiction so he really knew a good time Ronnie: sounds like my not boyfriend Joe: oh yeah? Joe: well his grandson was cooler Joe: he fucked kate moss when he was like 70 Ronnie: anyone written a song about that Joe: maybe pete did Joe: he was a painter though so he painted her with her kit off, obviously Joe: reckon it's free for us to give it a crack Ronnie: your girlfriend painted you yet or what Joe: she wants to Ronnie: no shit mckenna Ronnie: every cunt there nearly fucking went arse over tit in the puddle she was sat in at that gig Joe: so that's what that sticky feeling was Ronnie: her juices or charlies Joe: that's called mixed media Joe: potential bio-hazard for her profs though Ronnie: worst theyre gonna get off her is thrush Ronnie: never met a bitch so clean Joe: yeah Joe: boring Ronnie: i told you to kill her last time you started being a baby about it Joe: you can have homicidal, sis Joe: boring but harmless Ronnie: cocaines harmless after heroin you & freud are still pussy enough to call it a party Joe: why it's a cure Joe: get you from comatose to semi-functioning Ronnie: she could be a cure too Ronnie: cold turkey Joe: weren't searching for a cure Joe: am i coming in or are you coming out Joe: can't see you Ronnie: cause youre comatose Ronnie: gutted this ex boss aint a cokehead Joe: not far off Joe: he your not boyfriend or is that just what we're telling the wife Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: he couldnt fund your baby habit nevermind mine Joe: we going there first then Ronnie: yeah Joe: if we get your wages, we don't have to Joe: [come in boy] Ronnie: [a look like go on impress me by getting these wages boy] Joe: [when you can give it social worker chat 'cos what Tess does and the whole beeline of it all like you can be convincing enough that he's breaking some kind of equality law by sacking her without pay lol] Ronnie: [love that for you Joseph even if she won't let you know she's impressed and also lowkey triggered by that social worker energy] Joe: [honestly, lbr this man surely just wants you gone, won't take too much persuading] Ronnie: [literally and he's clearly in some way shady if he's 1. employed her and also 2. not called the police on her rn] Joe: [no leg to stand on sir, love this shakedown for you] Ronnie: [I bet they're all illegals and people being exploited] Joe: [its a mood, as in happens all the time esp. in cities, least you can hit him up again lads, long as he don't get y'all beaten up or something lol] Ronnie: [tbf if you do get beaten up that's a mood too] Joe: [yeah, when they find out you are not social and just taking their money lol] Ronnie: [love a scam] Joe: [the kind of nonsense have your mother rolling in her grave she's not in, love that we're starting that now] Ronnie: [I approve of the vibe, start as you mean to go on lads, all before you've made his poor flatmate wanna die lol] Joe: [poor gal did not ask for you as a flatmate let alone all this lol] Ronnie: [do you wanna skip to like when she's back and Ronnie's in his room or whatever because easy way to keep the convo going without needing it to be face to face] Joe: [works for me henny] Ronnie: [your turn to start boo] Joe: doubt she'll leave her room any time soon now Ronnie: 💔 Joe: yeah poor girl Joe: saying you got free reign, if you need anything Ronnie: i had it before Ronnie: not scared of her like Joe: nah Joe: what about charlie then Joe: or you just don't wanna upset him Ronnie: yeah terrified Ronnie: well sleuthed nancy Joe: that he'll get sick of you, maybe Ronnie: i fucking told you we aint the kind of family who get rid Joe: yeah Ronnie: dont project onto me Ronnie: we aint nothing alike Joe: i'm the one sick of them Joe: if anything Ronnie: yeah & he aint fuck all like you either Joe: I can see that Ronnie: youve seen him once dont flatter yourself Joe: and it's that obvious Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: what? Joe: i only need to know one half the equation to know we're not the same Joe: it's a compliment to him if fuck all else Ronnie: give it to him then Ronnie: hell lap it up Joe: i told you it's nice Joe: what you lot got Joe: but i'm not looking to get in on it if that's what you reckon Ronnie: take what you want pussy Joe: that's not your thing? Ronnie: what we cant both do it Joe: potentially Ronnie: dont remember you having any hesitation to share a needle Ronnie: grow a pair when youre not getting shot up Ronnie: maybe the dayll come when i dont have to spoon feed you the gear like a fucking kid Joe: i'd have to work out if i want anything but first Ronnie: yeah Joe: is it all you want Joe: the heroin Ronnie: mind your fucking business Joe: alright Joe: do you want to do my next tattoo or what Ronnie: i said take what you fucking want Joe: [come through with ink you've undoubtedly stole from your flatmate, also being more spacey/twitchy than normal like distract me gal] Ronnie: [love how old school & gross we're kicking this tattoo situation unlike when Ali does it] Joe: [which is absolutely the point, how your arms and legs don't fall off lol] Ronnie: [their other ones probably wouldn't have even healed yet cos lbr it's gonna be no time in between these interactions] Joe: [just loads of lowkey open wounds, like that isn't life anyway] Ronnie: [mhmm they'd be fucked already too cos they are so itchy when they are healing and y'all don't have chill] Joe: [all the reason for constant touch ups/ messing with so it casually never heals #mood] Ronnie: [I didn't think of that but I stan] Joe: [casual metaphor for your everything lads] Ronnie: [you know you can do anything to her tattoowise yourself Joseph she don't care] Joe: [probably doing some weird repitition moment you'd usually do on yourself which will be painful af excuse you] Ronnie: [she do love the pain you're fine] Joe: [good thing too, we're just here fucking each other up like this ain't gonna go anywhere else lolllllll] Ronnie: [way more #into it than I should be considering I don't  even like when people shout lol] Joe: [you babby, they are not, obviously we're getting and taking drugs even if she's too naive to know why they're in such a state, maybe they can make a dealer come to them when they're feeling fancy/have already had loads lol] Ronnie: [take a moment to appreciate how few clothes she is wearing rn and how much that means this poor gal can and would see like we've got track marks and self harm scars for days even before you start on the tattoos lol, you're gonna get clued in before she leaves hen] Joe: [honestly props for not running home screaming tbh babe] Ronnie: [especially when this dealer comes because he ain't Drew like he should be scary af] Joe: [lowkey makes you work for it even when you're paying 'cos hates junkies] Ronnie: [at least she can basically fuck him in full view for Joe's benefit because the vibe is already there haha] Joe: [i truly love thinking about what the hell you're telling the flatmate when she leaves, she's not that stupid, also must fancy you if she doesn't report you immediately lol] Ronnie: [she definitely does that's not just Ronnie's bpd jealousy shining through like did you tell her you were related after the gig or what even Joseph what's the narrative] Joe: [also, entirely unrelated, when you bleaching your hair 'cos it looks so much better lol, anyways, he's probably had to go with a troubled sister narrative 'cos she's the type to be sympathetic and it makes sense why he'd deal from her pov] Ronnie: [that's gonna make the obvious sexual tension awkward but yeah I vote they definitely do it while she's staying because same vibe as the tattoo sesh so] Joe: [ikr, when you're blatantly fucking this will be very confusing, you should deffo only be about 1st year lol] Ronnie: [are you gonna give him another different flatmate in year 2 or like none?] Joe: [maybe for year 2  on you can still have some like a house share moment but he's the one you never see and has nothing to do with you] Ronnie: [that works definitely cos like I was just thinking how could he afford somewhere on his own] Joe: [yeah, even if we're technically employed whilst in uni by the orchestra, it's not gonna be loads, and that's how London be even if you're not a student] Ronnie: [how long do we think she should stay for this time because obvs she's coming back again and again but] Joe: [hmm, like he isn't gonna tell her to go so it's on her for how long she can deal lol] Ronnie: [just cos I'm thinking she should leave because something happens/almost does and it freaks her out because she's meant to hate him and there's only so much you can play off as doing for shock value when you're blatantly into it] Joe: [that makes sense, clearly it ain't gonna take long for that to transpire] Ronnie: [yeah a few days is what I'm imagining, but like enough that she probably thinks nothing will happen because it hasn't so far, if that makes sense] Joe: [i'm with it] Ronnie: [how far do we wanna go is always the question] Ronnie: [okay idea time, hear me out hun, what if it's like an unexpectedly pure/cute moment by their standards that happens in the day to day because the obvious would be to have them go all in when they are fucked up but like think about it] Joe: [that's what I thought too though 'cos it's more impactful 'cos it isn't as if it's gonna start with a kiss when it does for real like it's all extra and them to cover that it's about anything but being fucked up, so that would shake you both] Ronnie: [so glad we're on the same page here, like I can't think of a good example of what I mean/think should happen but] Joe: [we know the vibe, doing something vaguely domestic before realizing what you're doing] Ronnie: [so she gotta run away and nobody is gonna know where she is or what she's doing for a bit soz Charlie & Bronson] Joe: [you wanna skip to that time period now, this hasn't been excessively long or anything[ Ronnie: [we totally can because we can always skip back/add it if we think of anything else we wanna do while she's there etc] Ronnie: [I've had a potential idea how to start this so neither of them technically has to bite the bullet and go first like if you give me a rough idea what kind of thing Charlie would say e.g where are you/are you dead bitch and I'll reply here like she's in the wrong convo lol] Joe: [that's a good idea boo, probably something like you can stop hiding now and an update about whatever the fuck he's up to in his life which you can make up you know the vibe lol] Ronnie: [I was just like realistically if they were both shook by what happened neither of them are gonna be like oh hey] Joe: [yeah like it'd take him a while even if he would 'cos not just gonna let this go that easy, so it's a solid way to do it] Ronnie: a real scouse ma's meant to shout down the street when its time to stop playing about Ronnie: lazy cunt Joe: I'm only half if I'm anything, and you probably won't give me that any rate Ronnie: 🖕 not talking to you Ronnie: got the wrong gaylord Joe: easy mistake Joe: you not got his number saved? Ronnie: if this was my phone yeah Joe: newly acquired then Ronnie: mine broke Joe: my condolences Joe: wall or pavement? Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter Joe: just making conversation whilst you're here Ronnie: if youve got something to say go ed Ronnie: but if youre gonna pussy out as per it got waterlogged Joe: you dying for the uni update like my ma is a top performance, cheers, like Joe: rice didn't work or you didn't fancy eating toilet water rice after Ronnie: loads in common me & her aint just a pretty face like Ronnie: dont know what kind of fucking 12 year old in a k hole at a festival you take me for mckenna Joe: yeah, it's a shame Joe: soph says save some for the 🐎s Ronnie: cold showers work better for misery boners than they do a suspected od but these fucking amateurs aint know jack shit obviously Ronnie: shame & shameful that is Joe: I'm a better sesh companion Ronnie: ill take the 🐴 Ronnie: whole or in bits Joe: seems the possessive type Ronnie: thats your bitch Joe: who I meant but I ain't claiming her Ronnie: bet shed be made up over a uni update Joe: bold of you to assume we haven't had many delightful lunch dates whilst you've been having cold showers Ronnie: give a fuck if youve been eating her out at any time of day Joe: yeah well I'm pretty gutted you've replaced me with another newbie Ronnie: stop fucking crying Ronnie: i aint running a nursery Joe: ain't the only one sounds of your reply Ronnie: fuck off Joe: reckon he's over you getting the sack now Ronnie: not everythings about that mary Ronnie: & he aint my keeper Joe: just your mum, I got the message Ronnie: he reckons he can baby me it aint the same thing Joe: he's older than you yeah Ronnie: youve got a sister other than me dont act like you cant get your head round it Joe: not really my M.O. Ronnie: special yeah Joe: she's got a dad and another brother happy enough to oblige Ronnie: i dont need to puke up my good time Joe: thought your stomach and nerve were meant to be stronger than that Ronnie: whatever you think about me is bullshit baby Joe: just what you've put out there Ronnie: & yours is heroics just warning you this aint no od like Ronnie: aint gotta press eject Joe: you're typing Joe: don't think anyone knows you well enough to commit to the impression here Ronnie: talking Ronnie: everyone knows idle hands are dangerous Ronnie: but that dont mean i gotta keep em busy typing Joe: yeah Joe: know the feeling Ronnie: its used to my accent & everything Ronnie: more than i can say for the live cunts here Joe: you in 💘 with your phone that's dead cute Joe: its worse when you're angry Ronnie: not in 💘 with kent Ronnie: your girlfriend proper missold it Joe: fuck off are you in kent 😂 Ronnie: fucked you over if you were gonna come carry me out again Joe: acting like you didn't ask Joe: if you're going to now, do it, like Ronnie: if you dump her back home who the fucks keeping the leccy on Joe: only got a baby habit ain't I Ronnie: what so youre carrying me out & dumping me where Ronnie: anywhere near & im taking your money shithead Joe: we don't need electric Ronnie: how will you get off on me wearing your mams face in the dark Joe: would hate to waste your hard work, obviously Ronnie: what hard work Joe: liberating my mums face from her skull Ronnie: be my pleasure Ronnie: all play Joe: alright then Joe: i'll be able to keep up Ronnie: big talk for a 12 year old virgin Joe: hiding it kent you can't talk or type about it Ronnie: im not fucking hiding Joe: yeah right Ronnie: plain sight baby Joe: 40 miles Ronnie: & Joe: if you wanna play, you're gonna have to give me another clue Joe: know if i'm getting warm Ronnie: [a blurry picture clue] Ronnie: 💘 Joe: they new friends or old Ronnie: waste of a question Joe: how many do i have left Ronnie: 39 but if you need that many dont fucking bother Joe: you don't wanna disappointed so bad Ronnie: you disappoint me by coming out the same hole Joe: that don't have to matter Joe: plenty have Ronnie: yeah but i aint met the rest of your happy family Joe: you wanna Ronnie: 38 now Joe: it could've been a statement Ronnie: was it Joe: 39 for you Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: you wanted to go to the beach Ronnie: that a question or what soft lad Joe: ?* Ronnie: didnt know there was 1 Joe: it's a county you know Ronnie: how the fuck would i know that Ronnie: shut up Joe: do you wanna go to the beach Ronnie: i can drown you in the sink Joe: i didn't put you in the shower Joe: or your phone Ronnie: youd have been made up by how blue i went though Ronnie: well like a dead girl Joe: yeah? Joe: what's it feel like Ronnie: youll get your own go Ronnie: aint holding your hand forever like Joe: gutted Ronnie: you wont reckon so when you outgrow that baby habit Joe: i'd mind if you died Ronnie: give you something to cry about Ronnie: youd be fucking into it Joe: nah Joe: people who've got shit to mope on usually don't Joe: enjoy it too much don't I, can't be having it validated, takes the fun out Ronnie: most dont reckon a happy end would be cumming inside their ma Ronnie: youd enjoy having a reason to celebrate or trauma bond depending on her fucking take Joe: our mate freud would disagree Joe: she'd wear black for the rest of her life, if that's what you wanna hear Joe: but counting it as a question, 38 Ronnie: why the fuck would i wanna hear that Ronnie: be boss for her if she never shifted her bastard baby weight like Joe: 37 unless it's rhetorical Joe: i dunno what will make you feel better Ronnie: 38 wasn't a question in the first place you just counted it cause youre a cheating lil bitch Joe: what's the prize and why do you want it so much Ronnie: use your imagination fucks sake Ronnie: why do you always want your hand held Joe: waste of a question Joe: 'cos I'm such a mummy's boy duh Ronnie: if shed let you walk into the road i wouldnt be answering any of your pussy questions Ronnie: 💔 Joe: be a lot easier for all of us Joe: i'll throw myself in front of the tube, fuck up everyone's day Ronnie: ill pick myself up from kent then yeah Joe: oh so you've claimed selfish have you Ronnie: no shit nancy drew Ronnie: fitz is still crying that i 💉 you up Joe: bless Joe: you're not claiming what got me there Ronnie: cant i wasnt fucking there Joe: then don't feel guilty Ronnie: dont fucking flatter yourself Ronnie: could care less Joe: you who's trying Ronnie: taking away a question if youre gonna lie Joe: not 12, not a virgin, don't need you to hold my hand Joe: i wanted to and want to Ronnie: made up horse girl took it while i was away Joe: yeah Ronnie: get yourself checked for 🐴 aids or whatever Joe: could care less is right Ronnie: bullshit youll be gutted if you dick falls off before you put it in your ma Joe: talking about how much you do Ronnie: what are big sisters for Ronnie: ask the other one & hell stutter round how much i dont too Joe: it's not the same Ronnie: you aint special mckenna how many times Ronnie: let your ma feed you that bullshit Ronnie: & fuck knows what youve already caught from my blood Joe: bit late for warnings Ronnie: you had one first time we met like Ronnie: got eyes Joe: exactly Joe: i'm not gonna take the hint Ronnie: too subtle for you yeah Joe: if you think you could be any more blatant Joe: have fun trying Ronnie: i am Ronnie: kent dont know what hit it Joe: i bet Joe: where have you been but some strangers doss house then Joe: and that is a question Ronnie: fuck knows Ronnie: been a blur Joe: you know its about 1,500 square miles yeah Joe: remember one landmark Ronnie: you know youre only getting any fucking answers cause im coming down Joe: we don't have to play this game Joe: if you tell me where you are, you'll be picked up quicker and then you can get whatever you need Ronnie: [a location, lord only knows] Joe: alright Ronnie: for you getting high of your bullshit heroics Joe: if it makes you feel better that you need rescuing Ronnie: do i fuck Joe: then you just wanna see me Joe: either way Ronnie: shut up Joe: what's better for you? Ronnie: your money then your life Joe: very adam ant Joe: and can be arranged Joe: even though you don't have a horse or a car so I'm more of a highwayman than you Ronnie: i aint getting on your gilfriends horse i know where its been Joe: 😏 Joe: you can just admit she's more up for it than you Ronnie: admit youre fucking brain damaged Ronnie: let her be up for hand holding & playing house Joe: what are big sisters for Ronnie: beating the shit out of you Joe: look forward to it Ronnie: yeah youve missed me Joe: not afraid to say it Ronnie: write a song about it Ronnie: no names & you can play it for any bitch Joe: thanks for the hot tip Joe: kill some time on this drive Ronnie: shouldve stuck your judy in the boot Ronnie: be eye spy & red car the whole fucking way Joe: haven't put the plastic sheet down Joe: 💔 short notice Ronnie: so torch it Ronnie: i know youve always got a lighter on you Joe: what gave it away Ronnie: ive got eyes baby Joe: try not to wear it on my sleeve though Ronnie: done a shit job there Joe: why do you show yours off Ronnie: whats the point of only feeling it on the inside Joe: doing it is feeling it on the outside Ronnie: im what they fucking made me they can look at it Joe: that makes sense Joe: yeah Ronnie: what the hell are you scared of Joe: I dunno Joe: doesn't feel like fear Joe: blending in or disappearing has always been preferable Ronnie: & you have the balls to reckon im hiding here Joe: it ain't hiding if no fucker's looking Joe: easier for them and me, like Ronnie: if you gave a shit about easier you wouldnt have looked for me Joe: it was last-ditch attempt Joe: see if you were the same, like all of them too Joe: or not Joe: and you're not Ronnie: cause she ditched me Joe: maybe Ronnie: i didnt have the luxury of blending in Joe: it's not a luxury Ronnie: not when you have it Ronnie: care kids dont Joe: not at all Joe: it was a necessity to not blow my brains out and all i ended up was cracked and wishing i had Joe: you didn't have a family to not belong in Ronnie: & you did em such a massive fucking favour by not ending it all yeah Ronnie: i dont know you or fucking care & i can tell youre desperate to Joe: if she can't get over you, and she never stuck around to know you Joe: it's fuck all to do with the person and everything to do with the label Joe: son, brother Joe: you're meant to care even if life is better or basically the same without Ronnie: good fucking thing i like downers Ronnie: youd ruin an e Joe: cheers Ronnie: get over her for fucks sake Ronnie: keep saying youre not 12 Joe: didn't have that luxury Ronnie: loads more cunts willing to fuck you over Ronnie: live a little like Joe: yeah that'll make it worth it Joe: dead inspirational Ronnie: try your other sister Joe: i'm sure she'd have even more helpful advice Ronnie: take it then Ronnie: ill kill you before i give you a reason to live Joe: you know i ain't fucking looking for one Ronnie: yeah Joe: you need anything Ronnie: i didnt tell you were to get fuck all out of it Joe: apart from a lift Ronnie: what do you reckon Joe: kk Ronnie: 💘 Joe: still not healed Joe: also looks like jobn now Ronnie: anything to make you feel special baby Joe: what I reckon Ronnie: i didnt reckon ocd made you that delusional Ronnie: but when you change it to say jobs youll blend right in Joe: not quite as fitting as when johnny did it Ronnie: whats your girlfriends name Joe: i'll find one to make it fit Joe: josie or jody maybe Ronnie: 💔 no decent gear has a girls name Joe: girls like to party not nod out Joe: gutted Ronnie: ive got a lads name i get why youre confused Joe: you didn't wanna change it Ronnie: you offering up the cash Joe: bit of a waste Joe: just for the paperwork Ronnie: yeah it is Joe: you dunno what to pick Ronnie: swear words aint allowed Joe: don't matter if you're just doing it, telling new people it's your name like Ronnie: not an underage tranny Joe: right Ronnie: bit fucking late now Joe: youre attached Ronnie: i dont care Joe: yeah Ronnie: not what i hate her for Joe: it's a lesser sin Joe: and not the worst name Ronnie: if thats your way of trying to namedrop the others, dont Joe: why would I Ronnie: i dont know you cant really answer why youd do fuck all Joe: i don't need to ask if you want to know them Ronnie: like their names are gonna tell me who they are Joe: like you care Ronnie: like thats ever stopped you Joe: I can't un-find you Joe: but I'm not going to force you to meet any of them or know any more than what's been said Ronnie: no fixed address remember Ronnie: cant make it much fucking easier for you Joe: no, you can't Ronnie: stop crying then Ronnie: you can do better than a car crash Joe: do better Ronnie: yeah like washing up on the beach Ronnie: keep every cunt guessing how you died Joe: see how many beaches I can end up on Ronnie: dead romantic Joe: you can have fun with the hacksaw anyway Joe: least I could do Ronnie: you dont owe me Joe: i do Ronnie: for what Joe: for finding you when you didn't want finding Ronnie: you got the wrong bastard Ronnie: loads of others would be made up Joe: would they? Joe: regardless, I did it for me Ronnie: fuck off trying to take selfish off me Joe: 😏 Ronnie: been a few days since ive used a phone as a weapon Ronnie: keep on if you want it chucked at you Joe: you've promised better than that Ronnie: course you cant last through the foreplay Joe: alright, romantic Ronnie: you fucking wish soft lad Joe: you wish i wished Ronnie: i fucking dont Joe: alright Ronnie: keep the 🕯🌹 for your girlfriend like Ronnie: fuck all i can do with soft Joe: lighters and poppies suit me better as well Ronnie: next tattoos then Ronnie: dont know if itll look like a poppy but fuck it Ronnie: ill cut it out if you dont like it Joe: even if we avoid the sleeve, still a lot of skin to ruin Joe: are you just going over now Ronnie: waste of a question Ronnie: theres fuck all you can do Joe: what, my scribbles weren't a masterpiece compared to your boyfriends Ronnie: told you get what you pay for mckenna Ronnie: & that i dont get hard for mozart & the like Joe: weren't gonna score a symphony on you but alright Joe: no touching Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: you & your baby habit dont score Joe: just pays Ronnie: dead comforting when i get robbed & left in a kent ditch Joe: it'll be the nicest ditch you've ever been in Ronnie: squatters rights Joe: my bed ain't comfy enough Ronnie: its the fact that its yours making me wanna hang myself with a sheet Ronnie: should say its too soft like you though shouldnt i Ronnie: gutted i fucked that up like Ronnie: we were playing so nice Joe: yeah, goldilocks suits Ronnie: unless your hair has fallen out Joe: I've not pulled it out either Joe: or soph, like Ronnie: not enough like a mane for her Joe: 💔 Joe: if only she'd have known me a few years ago Ronnie: get the family album out shell be made up Joe: shed a tear over our lack of horse Joe: sympathy fuck is better than none yeah Ronnie: the lack of me will really get her going Ronnie: had the pity eye fuck soon as i showed up Joe: she's an empath, babe, why she's so good at art Joe: lack of you might be an issue for me though Ronnie: another word for nosy cunt Joe: undoubtedly Joe: if i could sum up what was wrong with me for her I would Joe: but guess she likes the guessing Ronnie: if she was scouse shed just fucking come out with it Joe: gobshites, yeah Ronnie: what you get for having girlfriends who aint even wool Ronnie: self hatred making you go posh about it Joe: my last actual girlfriend was Ronnie: & youre claiming her Joe: not still writing songs about her Joe: well, never was Ronnie: shell still be 💔 Joe: nah Ronnie: you keep her waiting this long or am i that special Joe: you don't even know how far you've gone from london Joe: you're nearly 2 hours away Ronnie: if youre sticking to the speed limit Ronnie: stop being a pussy Joe: meet me and the car in the next ditch over Ronnie: more hand holding for fucks sake Joe: more than that if you want that lift Joe: have to drag the car out and hotwire it Joe: scrape me off the windshield Ronnie: i told you to stop getting me & what im into Joe: maybe i'm trying really hard Ronnie: far as hurting yourself goes thats the shittest way to have a go Joe: 💔 too weak Ronnie: keep your limp wrists on the steering wheel Ronnie: i wanna get out of here Joe: 😏 Joe: in a bit then Joe: got speeding to do and if you won't shut up Ronnie: youd have to try harder to make me Ronnie: that aint fucking likely Joe: only have to ask Joe: not nice or nothing Ronnie: i dont ask for handouts theyre given to me on account of all those mental problems ive got Joe: wouldn't it be nice to be the one doing the charity work for once Ronnie: if thats the only high youre offering me turn the fuck around Joe: not that daft Ronnie: your ma tell you that Joe: loads Ronnie: her judgements for shit not getting rid of us both with a hanger Joe: agreed Ronnie: dont put a kid in her shed only keep that one too Joe: still raising the last one Ronnie: like thatd stop her Ronnie: no fucking time wasted Joe: she did stop Joe: hence the 9 year gap oopsie baby Ronnie: reckon shed know what causes it by then Joe: Ireland got to her I guess Ronnie: dead keen for my invite now Joe: put it across as a valid form of contraception Joe: chlamydia Joe: they'd go for it Ronnie: worked for me Joe: postergirl Ronnie: 💔 there was no need to sew myself up Ronnie: be more fun than whichever fuck gave me it Joe: god willing Ronnie: your catholic one would be dead willing Joe: you're thinking of the wrong over-zealous christian country Ronnie: not on the right drugs for that kind of bullshit thinking Joe: 🍄 Joe: look out for cowshit whilst you're waiting Ronnie: that determined for me to see the sights yeah Joe: can't waste such an opportunity Ronnie: 🖕 watch me Joe: kent only comes calling so many times, like Joe: your choice Ronnie: shell be taking you every time uni gives you time off Joe: i'm good for it Ronnie: its well cute that you reckon youve got any say Ronnie: possessive type i heard Joe: 😏 Ronnie: she changed the 🔒 on your room yet Joe: keep you in or out? Ronnie: reckon it ended at the pity eye fuck for me & her Joe: 💔 Ronnie: yeah Joe: i'll talk her 'round for you Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: i dont need you to translate for me Ronnie: we got the money your carer role is over Joe: it's all in the eyes, I heard you Joe: not patronizing on your deep relationship Ronnie: shut up Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: & drive faster Joe: 👌 Ronnie: fucking hell i can see why shes fucking obsessed with you Joe: if you want chat Joe: definitely in the wrong place Joe: she don't need to know my ears aren't listening to hers Ronnie: she already knows you do what youre told without talking back Ronnie: like a battered wife Joe: anything for an easy 💀 Ronnie: youre coming to the right place for that Ronnie: but i wont tell her Joe: it's not a reportable crime Ronnie: im not a snitch & i can wear shades if she tries to eye fuck her way to finding fuck all out Joe: dunno if that's enough of a disguise but I don't care Joe: a habit, she could say something about that Joe: but the rest Ronnie: what rest Ronnie: you only want a habit Joe: speak for yourself Ronnie: im echoing you Ronnie: you fucking said it Joe: you know it's not true though Ronnie: youre full of shit yeah Joe: yeah Joe: you too if you wanna pretend about it Ronnie: i dont play pretend im not a fucking kid Joe: good Joe: then you know what's happening here Ronnie: [a picture or video of whatever is happening where she is, lord knows] Joe: you don't have to reciprocate, dickhead Joe: no need to try and make me crash Ronnie: thought youd grown a set of balls & had em drop while ive been here Ronnie: what it sounded like Joe: how olds the other one Joe: he looks younger than me Ronnie: didnt do a survey Joe: I mean your mate, I don't know his name Joe: not Charlie Ronnie: 17 Joe: he must've been a baby when you met, like Ronnie: whats your point Joe: ain't got one Joe: just wondering Ronnie: youre not his type Joe: he's not mine Ronnie: stop wondering then Joe: why? Ronnie: hes fuck all to do with you Ronnie: your mam didnt push him out Joe: not trying to get to know him over you Ronnie: then why do you care Joe: same age as my brother Joe: and the girl my parents took in, one of Joe: that's it Ronnie: here we fucking go Ronnie: you said you werent gonna do that Joe: you kept asking Ronnie: cause i dont want you fucking nonce my brother Ronnie: give a fuck about yours Joe: 'cos you think I would, alright Joe: don't be stupid Ronnie: i dont know what youd do Ronnie: dont fucking know you Joe: well I'm straight and entirely uninterested Ronnie: youre also full of shit Joe: why do you give a fuck Joe: I'm only a year older, if I wanted to, I would Ronnie: why do i give a fuck that you lied to me or about him Ronnie: go ed & wonder about it Joe: it weren't a lie Joe: shit changes Ronnie: i dont wanna hear about them that aint gonna change Joe: fine Ronnie: fuck you Joe: also fine Joe: sorry, alright Joe: it means fuck all Ronnie: its not fine Ronnie: & it means im gonna be running comparisons in my head Joe: just forget about it Joe: of course they're all around my age ish, it don't mean you know any more about them Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: it don't matter Ronnie: cause you get to tell me what matters too yeah Joe: come on Ronnie: you dont or what to fucking do either Joe: then what Joe: I said it, I said sorry Joe: you do what you must Ronnie: go home & give horse girl your sorry Joe: fuck that Joe: you still need to get back to London and I'm nearly there Ronnie: i got here i can leave here Joe: bullshit Ronnie: you wish Joe: well I'm still coming Ronnie: i dont care Ronnie: youve been going on about how big it is Ronnie: stay the fuck away from me Joe: Jesus fucking christ don't be such a pussy Ronnie: you fucking wish Joe: whatever Joe: this is going nowhere right now Joe: you know where to find me when you wanna actually do something about it Ronnie: your half arsed self destruction is going nowhere Ronnie: do something about that your fucking self instead of trying to bait me Joe: I'm still on my way Ronnie: kents full of real pussys you can save Ronnie: youll 💘 it Joe: I don't give a fuck, Ronnie Ronnie: why are you crying Ronnie: you fucked me over Joe: because this is a waste of time Ronnie: youre a junkie now get used to it Joe: at least I've got that Ronnie: youre welcome baby Joe: good luck finding decent shit in kent Ronnie: not going with you dont mean im staying here Joe: but I've got mine already Ronnie: you can have selfish Joe: I told you I was bringing more for you Joe: if you can get over it you can have your share Ronnie: ill take it over it not Ronnie: *or Ronnie: you cant fucking stop me Joe: say you want me to come then Joe: i know where you are, not the other way 'round Ronnie: youre the liar mckenna Ronnie: i dont want you to be anywhere Joe: then why should I come and share Joe: that's a question Ronnie: you love heroics Joe: [show up at this point] Ronnie: [what a fun little reunion that'll be] Joe: [so, we know the vibes but also do we wanna pitch it out] Ronnie: [we totally can for our own amusement/in case a moment or something happens again] Joe: [so obviously he gets there and she's gonna be fuming hens, yeah?] Ronnie: [she gonna fight him lol enjoy that random peeps] Ronnie: [but that works cos like if someone takes that seriously instead of realising we just flirting with each other then they gotta go] Joe: [go away for some alone time to take your drugs somewhere, we voting beach] Ronnie: [yeah because realistically nobody will be there at this o clock unless they are likewise up for shady shit so it works for them as well as being romantic for us because has she been to the beach before probably not] Joe: [so unintentionallly wholesome] Ronnie: [try not to freak out immediately about that this time lads] Joe: [or OD again] Ronnie: [or freeze to death because when are you ever dressed for the weather gal] Joe: [have to stay close purely for warmth whoops] Ronnie: [can't pretend you're angry enough to be at the other end of the beach its not that deep] Joe: [shame it'll be too late to get fish n chips or something beach related but you can skim stones] Ronnie: [I wonder if there's anywhere you could break into because always a mood] Joe: [on a lot of seafronts they have those shelter moments that are boarded up you know what I mean] Ronnie: [yeah that was what I had in mind] Joe: [was that tracy beaker when jess and that girl were snuggled in there and tracy thought it was a lad lollol] Ronnie: [I loved that bit] Joe: [soz i've forgotten your name but that whole character and vibe was a mood, buzzing for the show/movie whatever they're doing] Ronnie: [a child Tess mood 100%] Joe: [fosho fosho, you're gonna have to sleep on this beach/his car 'cos not letting you drive in that state for that long yet tah] Ronnie: [we all know you're gonna be snuggling and I'm here for it, maybe you can get fish and chips in the am/when you wake up] Joe: [for breakfast lol, get all the sugary snacks as well like candy floss doughnuts, casual binge here like neither of you clearly eats much day to day] Ronnie: [healthwise you've both got bigger problems so we can allow it] Joe: [sugar high, living for unintentional wholesomeness lol] Ronnie: [love the childlike vibe always] Joe: [when I go the hunstanton with the gals, which is like, scummy seaside vibes you know, there's always rides there, but also there was like a tattoo hut where you could get actual tattoos for like a fiver and it looks so dubious lol] Ronnie: [omg that is amazing and we must] Joe: [you could get piercings too which might have him do just to mess with it] Ronnie: [we know she already has so likewise not gonna resist getting another, the more extra the better though placement wise cos we do love to shock joseph with our endeavours] Ronnie: [whack a tit out casually or whatever like] Joe: [lmao, dreading these infections hens] Ronnie: [I went to margate and all I got was this lousy tat and a persistent infection, put that on a t-shirt] Joe: [shame they only do flashes gals] Ronnie: [get some DIYing happening lads, we know that kind of thing is flirting for you] Joe: [the tension at this point like you've actually shown loads of restraint even though the opposite seems true lol] Ronnie: [lowkey not what anyone would expect of you which is why I like it] Joe: [mhmm not actually all doom and gloom even if we say and pretend it or what would be the point] Ronnie: [they'd actually be having such a lovely time and when was the last time either of them did, I'm fine about it yep] Joe: [truly, it ain't just about the drugs or any of the 'fucked up ness' from the off and that's the tea no one else be seeing] Ronnie: [mhmm and it wouldn't last how it does if it was] Joe: [connection huns] Ronnie: [the TENSION on this car journey back like don't crash tbh] Joe: [at least you can play really loud music and pretend that's distraction enough] Ronnie: [and play with your new injuries] Ronnie: [lowkey bonding even more about your love of music though we see you] Joe: [mhmm, when it's not all classical obvs 'cos you aren't Rosaline] Ronnie: [probably drop her at Charlie's hun cos otherwise something is gonna happen] Joe: [hope you brought him some rock but i know you did not lol, go make friends again, you go think 'bout your life joseph] Ronnie: [probably stole him a postcard that you've written some bants on to slide under his door] Joe: [that's cute, hilarious over-sexual postcard as they always are] Ronnie: [yeah exactly and then he knows you're back so you can talk or whatever you're gonna do to clear the air] Joe: [that's this era in general we know the vibe]

[sets-yu-gurl]

Bit of a screaming rant, mostly because I don't think many will find this post and I NEED to complain.

If you do, hi there, hope you can feel less lonely reading this. I guess. Idk

I am fucking sick and tired of this bullshit. It's been two years since I started searching for work and I never, EVER, get ANY response. I've been trying to find a job as a graphic designer. I don't have the experience, sadly, I know, but there's also internships where I did apply. Internships where they say "no prior experience required". Internships that ask for the exact things that I know how to do.

I either don't get a response, or I am rejected because the company doesn't think I have the experience needed...

To which... ok, it's fine. You're the company, you know what you need best and if I don't fit what you need best, then I will accept.

Except for the fact that for every. Single. Position. Applied. I am not suitable enough. Ok. What am I supposed to do? I did courses to update my knowlege, but I can't just keep taking courses and not work. My mother and I need money, because news flash, living costs money.

I also applied for jobs as a supermarket clerk, same treatment. No response. I also went to leave a CV as a receptionist, part time. Again. Nothing even there.

And the most recent one, I wanted to apply to a restaurant near my home. Nothing much, they needed help in the weekends, during dinner. Sure, ok, I can do that. I have been a waitress before, I know how to do stuff, I can learn fast.

So I did that. I went and tried to leave my CV but they owner said "no, I don't need it, I want to see how you work in person. So monday is going to be your test. You gotta come at five. But I REALLY mean that you need to be here at five pm"

Ok sure. I did just that, I worked all night, I asked all the questions to try and learn as much as possible, I didn't sit on my ass doing nothing, I tried to be active.

PROBLEM ONE: the dude wasn't even present that night. Like... dude you tell me to come on time, so you can see how well I do... and you're not even present that day??? Not only you didn't take my CV, you didn't show up on the fucking night of my fucking "test", but when one coleague said that they will forward my number to you, I also don't recieve a fucking call till this day. And I'm tecnically supposed to go tomorrow and saturday night.

This feels like a full blown insult. I almost feel humiliated not gonna lie with you. It's like when you give a kid something to do, to make them feel useful, while you do the more adult stuff.

So what is it? Again, the question from before: what am I supposed to even do?? What am I doing wrong?? What is it that I lack?? I'm TRYING. I want to work. Even part time. Stop fucking whining that you need employees but to one wants to work, because it's a fucking lie... big fat fucking lie...

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

04-10-20 (Friday)

Okay watched more and like she killed her mom. My only reaction is like...

But also I don't because I definitely would not have gotten away with it either. But I was so fuckin ready to try so often. I know that's slightly fucked up but there were plenty of times I fantasized about ending both their lives. I fantasized about getting away with it and being adopted by my middle school math teacher. That's the one who's still on my fb. Mostly I just avidly hoped they'd die in a car wreck I wasn't in. Then it progressed to just hoping eventually I wouldn't have to deal with them and then finally to thoughts of suicide to escape. And there was like... this disconnect where I knew they were what was making me unhappy but I kept trying to blame it on everything else. But deep down I knew. Even if I couldn't admit it to even myself. I think the first time I realized I didn't truly feel loved by my mother was one night in bed I was trying to fall asleep and someone had suggested imagining someone comforting you and I imagined my therapist at the time immediately but was like wait why not my mom? Mom's are supposed to be comforting, right? But all I felt was... Nothing. I didn't feel anything. I actually got kind of angry but I made myself think about it a little. And I realized even then I didn't love her. And then I felt guilty and convinced myself I was just too tired.

There was a lot of that in my childhood. Forcing myself to act the way she wanted me to. And trying desperately to make her happy. And it took a long time for the idea that I would never make her happy to truly sink in. She was never gonna be happy with me or how I acted. No matter what I did, it was gonna be wrong. She could present me with two options, both seemingly fine and even say they're both good options and my decision would make her mad whichever way I leaned. She lived on the fumes of my incinerated hopes and dreams. Hurting me in any way made her feel powerful. And when I stopped caring, she amped it up. If she felt she wasn't on control, she went batshit. She'd throw a fit just to get you to react. I remember several times she pretended I'd hurt her feelings by not acting overly excited about mundane news she gave me in front of my friends or other people I liked or respected just so she could pretend to be hurt by it. And honestly if she didn't use that method, she was subtly planting the idea that they weren't a good friend until she would finally one day ask why I was still friends with them. And it'd all fall apart there. Until Jessi. She tried to say shit about Jessi but I defended her. And wouldn't back down. And my mom lost her shit. And I finally realized at that moment what she'd been doing all along. And I made up my mind right then and there in the car turning out of the North Park CVS and onto first avenue that I was gonna get out. It hit me that she did not have my best interest at heart. That she was using me. But I tried so long to figure out what purpose she was using me for. And in the end, it turned out to be self gratification and entertainment. She basically got off emotionally on manipulating me.

I honestly do believe if she reached out on her death bed and asked to see me one last time, I'd take a friend with me (probably Kirt because Eren won't stand up against a fly if it's socially ambiguous) and go and be completely honest about why I'm there and say "I don't care if you've had a real change of heart or not. I'm here to tell you that you fucked up. I'm out here living a wonderful and interesting life with people who love and care for me. And you don't get to see any of it. I'm out here doing big things and you don't get to see it. I'm here getting loved and respected for who I truly am and I pity you. Because nobody loves you for who you are. Anything people feel positively about you is based on a lie. I'm not here to talk to you or make up. I'm here to tell you that you wasted every chance you were given and I am all out of chances to give. Goodbye and never contact me again. Also if you were already aware that Dad raped me when I was a kid, you're a trash ass human being and you deserve every ounce of pain you have ever felt or ever will feel and I hope those are the last words that ECHO in your ear before you slip into death, cold, unloved and soon forgotten. Goodbye forever."

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:22pm.

What a day.

Sunday, March 22nd of 2020.

What the actual fuck.

Time to vent today:

I woke up at 8:30am to get ready for the gig I landed assisting my buddy Eli. I was not happy, considering my bed was cozy for once, and I went to sleep at like.... 3am, maybe? Something like that. My vision still feels fucked.

Eli was..... hmm.... it's not good to speak badly of those who are ill or have misfortune. It was a good opportunity for me, to get financial assistance in exchange for helping a man get out of bed, in the shower, and into his chair.

I'm moreso annoyed at how his roommate went "fuck this shit" and dipped to Santa Cruz, despite 1) our city being in fucking shutdown mode, and 2) her roommate is immuno-compromised. She supposedly had a panic attack and plans to visit her boyfriend every weekend.... But, what if she comes back with the illness? Then Eli would die. Does she even care about that? Also, I hate to say it, but if he died, she would also lose the free rent and 1k a month she's getting. All since FaceTime didn't work. Pretty fucked, if you ask me.

For a nihilist that prefers to only do things that benefit me, I sure do enjoy helping others... He's paying me, but idk, maybe i would've done it for free out of guilt.

Seeing hoards of people in line at CVS as I was in my uber over to Eli.... I wonder how many of those people are still working or serving food, posing a risk to every person they slightly interact with.

I can't touch a single thing without being afraid to touch another. It's hell. I hated even touching his soap, or the handles on his sink.... God, this is hell.

Watching a grown man prefer to wiggle his way across a floor for 30 minutes to the bathroom immediately next door instead of using his chair, and the reverse...... oh, depressing.

I also realized his condition means he cant close his eyes in the shower. I don't know why he wants a scalding hot shower if he knows there's no way to turn the water off, or to get his face out the way..... I didn't realize until I saw him leave the shower with scaldingly red eyes.

Plus, the woman who blew up my phone for awhile begging for evidence of her husband cheating, (i knew him for less than a week and nothing even happened, but he had been texting me about escorts from his past and other shit so his soon to be ex wants to know about that shit,) all of a sudden blocked my phone number today.... Do people have weird apps to tell who's been snooping their profiles? I got a little nosey, since hers was recommended to me, and not gonna lie she's super pretty. Why even cheat on her? Jesus christ.

Or like... why get married if you would get bored of her? Idk. I'd be pissed off, if my hot self got married, just for some dumbass to "get bored of me".... then don't agree to lifelong marriage, when what you really want is just a longterm fuckbuddy you jackass?

Whoever I marry, I would want to love me through weight gain, car accidents, grey hairs, or aging. I plan to be fine as hell, whether I am flawless or I have wrinkles on every surface of me.

Anyway, the very pissy wife of the hussy guy ended up blocking my phone number. Which is stupid, since even a "how did you find my instagram" text would have resolved things, if she was all that curious about it.... I can assure you, that the route of "how did u find my page" is much less self damaging than "lets block the only girl who is living proof of my husband cheating on me".

What sense does that make? She complained about desperately needing evidence to send to a lawyer, to get alimoney, since with COVID-19, she may not have a job in a few weeks, and needs to support herself.... so, you gotta be a specific level of headass, to be like "Block her number, she saw photos of me wearing red lippie. Forget all about needing proof of infidelity for the sake of having money." GOD, HOW IS SHE THAT DUMB???????

She was hot too, so its extra disappointing. But whatever, oh well.

If I had a super rich husband, then you bet your ass that if he cheated on me, I would run up those pockets. Marriages are supposed to show long term trust, and financial stability among women. Therefore, why the fuck would I care if some random side chick of his that I wanted to befriend, (she did say she wanted to be friends despite the ten year age gap or so......) looks at my selfies? Would that stop my bag? No.

God, she's an idiot.

1:48pm.

I also question my morals lately.

Idk, like, still not 100% sure where i stand in terms of conventional dating standards and whatnot.

I think to an extent, certain things should still be in place for the time being. Like dudes paying for the first date if they asked, or going dutch if people want otherwise. I'm pro-helping dudes out or paying for a meal every once and awhile, but extremely anti-girl paying for every single meal with "her man", or getting scoffed at by a dude she's dating when asking for them to spot her for a meal.

(Pro-equality, anti-taking advantage of women. If women already get paid less than men for the same job, the fuck i look like buying shit with the little pocket change i got?)

For the right person, whether im rich or poor, i definitely would treat out. Full honesty. But its a very different relationship, if the girl is expected to look hot, stay interesting, work a job, still have time to be around enough for a guy to not feel "ignored", but not too much, to not feel "smothered", AND you pay for his shit.....

Nah. That's how bums are made. Stop.

If a dude wants a healthy relationship, then communication on what works and what each person can do works great. Some relationships, me and the dude split everything, but still treated eachother out, or enjoyed our company. Others, the guy felt some sort of weird, conservative, traditionalist urge to cover every single purchase for me.... Hot, not gonna lie.

And I can tolerate a lot of bullshit, (or, i used to until i started realizing i was on a downward spiral with how i treated my ex and should stray from dating any immature men for now,) but I can't tolerate creepy broke dudes, really.

Sure, I'm broke as fuck. But I wouldn't just be out here, insisting everyone else pay for it. And if I ever did, I'd simply leave a relationship, if I felt like certain needs aren't met.

Now, the hypocrisy definitely is there. Its like, yes, take care of your partner and make sure they are doing well. But if they can't reciprocate, or do for you... then they just aren't for you.

The traditionalist men I dated were fine with splitting the bill, and absolutely were fine with supporting me. But I never just went "cool, imma mooch!" I ended up going, "You've treated me out so much lately, let me treat you as well!", and planned picnics or movie nights in my price range.

(But then after a few people totally ruined my hope in others, then settling for letting men pay for everything and just giving a smile and a hug worked out better. No more cancelled picnics or hurt, more selfishness.)

So even if you date someone who didn't come from wealth or whatever, it doesnt matter that theyre wealthy, it matters that they're caring for you in the way you would wish.

And rich or poor, if they're not? Leave their ass.

Or, marry them and have them mysteriously die under odd circumstances, and live off of their money for the rest of their life.

......

Choice is yours, really. :)

....

2:04pm.

[redacted] used to kiss his dog in the mouth.

Yuck.

I gotta date men with better hygiene someday.

Also, I got paid. Gonna be working with Eli on the weekends! I should order groceries, since the difference between paying 200 dollars for Doordash, or 200 for groceries, is that Doordash would give me like... 8 orders, of things that cost 14 dollars each priced up to 28 dollars with the delivery fees and tip.

And Trader Joes would give me an obnoxious amount of fruit, veggies, and flavorless and disgusting microwaveable dishes.

Should I go to target and just stock up on couscous, chicken broth, and brocolli again? I used to survive pretty well off of that before...... easiest and tastiest dish to make in a cup in a microwave.

Interesting.

Anyway, I better go eat one of the many things I doordashed last night. I'm cold, and tired, and a little annoyed.

I can spend today deepcleaning aimlessly, creating, or watching youtubers drone on, while playing yet another, "oh look spooky dirty looking house with no lighting" video game again.....

Oy vey.

No wonder I got depressed. All the days repeat the same. Fuckin hell.

And not even the option of sex is out there.

Yikes. :)

I better buy a walldick, just in case.

Alright.

Peace.

[alliancerecruitmentmpany]

Recruitment Agencies In Jeddah - 10 Tips To Stop Spending Budget Cuts Impacting Your Recruitment

Description

Apparently one inch three all of us have lied at their CVs to land income. Is the remuneration and reward structure transparent and fair? This way I learnt the ropes creating many helpful contacts during the process Best Recruitment Agencies In Saudi Arabia Jeddah

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 Author Name: Arnika Joshi

Address:- PO Box No : 336899,

Dubai, UAE.

Mobile No:- +971523090313

Top Jeddah Recruitment Agencies- How Identify Work In Central London

If unwanted weight to grow your business, you must find, engage and retain top the workforce. With current low unemployment, high staff mobility and skills shortages in Australia, how you recruit and manage your people is extremely significant in determining your ongoing accomplishment For More Information Of Recruitment Companies In Jeddah Visit Here

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 Looking for a job agency is easy anymore because of the internet. Hunting for them over the internet offers comprehensive information about several agencies located nearby.

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 Begin to get hold of everyone. Send emails, arrange catch ups or coffee, get in contact via linked in or any other social media tools you should to rekindle your correlation.

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 These recruitment or job agencies basically work to match employers and job seekers with some other. Zero cost courses to do is with regard to where they tell you to be.

  If you work your legal industry, you'll just how competitive the job market can be. Sometimes it will make a big difference to have someone working on account to find you opt to consider job or have one centralised resource for each of the relevant vacancies in your area. When that's the case, you'll naturally gravitate towards a recruitment agency or jobs stance.

 Looking for job agency is easy anymore because of the internet. Trying to find them on the net offers full information about several agencies located in your state.

 Very often, graduate Job vacancies exist with recruitment agencies. A lot of of the reputed companies are unhappy to do head hunting themselves, they hand the particular job of finding suitable people to professional recruitment agencies. Therefore, you could depend on these agencies to find a job. You could just send an email with your CV fastened to it to be able to make software to a Recruitment Agency riyad. Just in case they have suitable vacancies that complement your qualifications, you end up being called for an interview from a couple of days.

 'Rob, I'm writing for you today because I know, even month-to-month have been with us for 5 years, there's more that we can help you with right now' - doesn't that sound decent? Doesn't it feel personal? It's not difficult understand when someone became your customer and insert that into your email advertising.

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 For ingestion that contributes to reading this article, We can tell you you don't know what your passion is yet unfortunately. I didn't mind mine until about recently and I'm 29. Getting a MBA before you're 100% passionate about something is really like buying a Ferrari (may cost only a MBA) obtaining a driving license.

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 I have since recruited for more creative job positions inside my company, all from the same trusted broker. I have thus far had a growing cause for number of employees join me as my enterprise owner has grown to a mid-level agency, vying to obtain a spot the actual big combine. One thing will be sure, I couldn't have used it on my own, unbiassed. Don't settle for second best when it appears to recruiting. Get out there and a few help during a professional recruitment agency within your local section. It might become making of one's business.

 Visit http://www.alliancerecruitmentagency.ae/ For More Information