#i dont wanna get mocked for owning a sex toy despite already owning several that i never use

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:22pm.

What a day.

Sunday, March 22nd of 2020.

What the actual fuck.

Time to vent today:

I woke up at 8:30am to get ready for the gig I landed assisting my buddy Eli. I was not happy, considering my bed was cozy for once, and I went to sleep at like.... 3am, maybe? Something like that. My vision still feels fucked.

Eli was..... hmm.... it's not good to speak badly of those who are ill or have misfortune. It was a good opportunity for me, to get financial assistance in exchange for helping a man get out of bed, in the shower, and into his chair.

I'm moreso annoyed at how his roommate went "fuck this shit" and dipped to Santa Cruz, despite 1) our city being in fucking shutdown mode, and 2) her roommate is immuno-compromised. She supposedly had a panic attack and plans to visit her boyfriend every weekend.... But, what if she comes back with the illness? Then Eli would die. Does she even care about that? Also, I hate to say it, but if he died, she would also lose the free rent and 1k a month she's getting. All since FaceTime didn't work. Pretty fucked, if you ask me.

For a nihilist that prefers to only do things that benefit me, I sure do enjoy helping others... He's paying me, but idk, maybe i would've done it for free out of guilt.

Seeing hoards of people in line at CVS as I was in my uber over to Eli.... I wonder how many of those people are still working or serving food, posing a risk to every person they slightly interact with.

I can't touch a single thing without being afraid to touch another. It's hell. I hated even touching his soap, or the handles on his sink.... God, this is hell.

Watching a grown man prefer to wiggle his way across a floor for 30 minutes to the bathroom immediately next door instead of using his chair, and the reverse...... oh, depressing.

I also realized his condition means he cant close his eyes in the shower. I don't know why he wants a scalding hot shower if he knows there's no way to turn the water off, or to get his face out the way..... I didn't realize until I saw him leave the shower with scaldingly red eyes.

Plus, the woman who blew up my phone for awhile begging for evidence of her husband cheating, (i knew him for less than a week and nothing even happened, but he had been texting me about escorts from his past and other shit so his soon to be ex wants to know about that shit,) all of a sudden blocked my phone number today.... Do people have weird apps to tell who's been snooping their profiles? I got a little nosey, since hers was recommended to me, and not gonna lie she's super pretty. Why even cheat on her? Jesus christ.

Or like... why get married if you would get bored of her? Idk. I'd be pissed off, if my hot self got married, just for some dumbass to "get bored of me".... then don't agree to lifelong marriage, when what you really want is just a longterm fuckbuddy you jackass?

Whoever I marry, I would want to love me through weight gain, car accidents, grey hairs, or aging. I plan to be fine as hell, whether I am flawless or I have wrinkles on every surface of me.

Anyway, the very pissy wife of the hussy guy ended up blocking my phone number. Which is stupid, since even a "how did you find my instagram" text would have resolved things, if she was all that curious about it.... I can assure you, that the route of "how did u find my page" is much less self damaging than "lets block the only girl who is living proof of my husband cheating on me".

What sense does that make? She complained about desperately needing evidence to send to a lawyer, to get alimoney, since with COVID-19, she may not have a job in a few weeks, and needs to support herself.... so, you gotta be a specific level of headass, to be like "Block her number, she saw photos of me wearing red lippie. Forget all about needing proof of infidelity for the sake of having money." GOD, HOW IS SHE THAT DUMB???????

She was hot too, so its extra disappointing. But whatever, oh well.

If I had a super rich husband, then you bet your ass that if he cheated on me, I would run up those pockets. Marriages are supposed to show long term trust, and financial stability among women. Therefore, why the fuck would I care if some random side chick of his that I wanted to befriend, (she did say she wanted to be friends despite the ten year age gap or so......) looks at my selfies? Would that stop my bag? No.

God, she's an idiot.

1:48pm.

I also question my morals lately.

Idk, like, still not 100% sure where i stand in terms of conventional dating standards and whatnot.

I think to an extent, certain things should still be in place for the time being. Like dudes paying for the first date if they asked, or going dutch if people want otherwise. I'm pro-helping dudes out or paying for a meal every once and awhile, but extremely anti-girl paying for every single meal with "her man", or getting scoffed at by a dude she's dating when asking for them to spot her for a meal.

(Pro-equality, anti-taking advantage of women. If women already get paid less than men for the same job, the fuck i look like buying shit with the little pocket change i got?)

For the right person, whether im rich or poor, i definitely would treat out. Full honesty. But its a very different relationship, if the girl is expected to look hot, stay interesting, work a job, still have time to be around enough for a guy to not feel "ignored", but not too much, to not feel "smothered", AND you pay for his shit.....

Nah. That's how bums are made. Stop.

If a dude wants a healthy relationship, then communication on what works and what each person can do works great. Some relationships, me and the dude split everything, but still treated eachother out, or enjoyed our company. Others, the guy felt some sort of weird, conservative, traditionalist urge to cover every single purchase for me.... Hot, not gonna lie.

And I can tolerate a lot of bullshit, (or, i used to until i started realizing i was on a downward spiral with how i treated my ex and should stray from dating any immature men for now,) but I can't tolerate creepy broke dudes, really.

Sure, I'm broke as fuck. But I wouldn't just be out here, insisting everyone else pay for it. And if I ever did, I'd simply leave a relationship, if I felt like certain needs aren't met.

Now, the hypocrisy definitely is there. Its like, yes, take care of your partner and make sure they are doing well. But if they can't reciprocate, or do for you... then they just aren't for you.

The traditionalist men I dated were fine with splitting the bill, and absolutely were fine with supporting me. But I never just went "cool, imma mooch!" I ended up going, "You've treated me out so much lately, let me treat you as well!", and planned picnics or movie nights in my price range.

(But then after a few people totally ruined my hope in others, then settling for letting men pay for everything and just giving a smile and a hug worked out better. No more cancelled picnics or hurt, more selfishness.)

So even if you date someone who didn't come from wealth or whatever, it doesnt matter that theyre wealthy, it matters that they're caring for you in the way you would wish.

And rich or poor, if they're not? Leave their ass.

Or, marry them and have them mysteriously die under odd circumstances, and live off of their money for the rest of their life.

......

Choice is yours, really. :)

....

2:04pm.

[redacted] used to kiss his dog in the mouth.

Yuck.

I gotta date men with better hygiene someday.

Also, I got paid. Gonna be working with Eli on the weekends! I should order groceries, since the difference between paying 200 dollars for Doordash, or 200 for groceries, is that Doordash would give me like... 8 orders, of things that cost 14 dollars each priced up to 28 dollars with the delivery fees and tip.

And Trader Joes would give me an obnoxious amount of fruit, veggies, and flavorless and disgusting microwaveable dishes.

Should I go to target and just stock up on couscous, chicken broth, and brocolli again? I used to survive pretty well off of that before...... easiest and tastiest dish to make in a cup in a microwave.

Interesting.

Anyway, I better go eat one of the many things I doordashed last night. I'm cold, and tired, and a little annoyed.

I can spend today deepcleaning aimlessly, creating, or watching youtubers drone on, while playing yet another, "oh look spooky dirty looking house with no lighting" video game again.....

Oy vey.

No wonder I got depressed. All the days repeat the same. Fuckin hell.

And not even the option of sex is out there.

Yikes. :)

I better buy a walldick, just in case.

Alright.

Peace.