#and i cling 2 these memories of being lkke happy and stupid

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

remembering when I was 12 years old and living with my grandmother and I was falling into the first depression of my life and it must've been June or July or August or something because I remember the weather being the way it's been all month. and my mother wasn't speaking to me around this time and I was living in the lounge room and I had no friends and I had no personal belongings I could get to and I was so sad all the time, I felt so completely alone then. because I was lol! but like every night when it got dark I'd go walk to the bus stop and I'd sit on the bench and I'd dream about getting on the bus when it came and disappearing but I never did. I just think about this and every other time I've ever been so alone and helpless. and wanted so badly to get away!!!

lik winter is such an awful time of year, I feel so swallowed up by my capacity for loneliness or just my capacity to be very, very sad and very very scared of living. when I was a kid I had no hope at all for the future, I saw no way to escape my life the way it was and I was entirely defenceless to the things happening in my life! but now that I'm older I have so much hope, and it's worse, like the way that being hopeful is actually more terrifying than being hopeless. I don't have a suicidal parachute to fall back on if I fuck my whole life up and I don't feel entirely awake and present in my life at all but I at least can sense the passage of time because everything is whipping by! at speeds!!!! and I keep waiting and waiting for when I feel like I'll actually get a grip on it but it's not happening. childhood feels so slow. until it's doesn't 🙄 and I wake up and I'm like if I just have today to think about it, if I just have today to miss it and long for it, then I'll be okay. but I don't ever stop waking up and wanting to be ten years old again when I at least felt safe in not even being a quarter of the way awake. I think about the good things about my childhood and I feel like im going to be sick wishing I could go back. when does it end lol 🙏