#and i can only achieve them at like. 2AM and i gotta sleep but i cant because i have to finish

[22den]

I have so much fucking shit to do for school but my 2-millisecond-attention-span-brain doesn’t really want to collaborate

[softyoongiionly]

Talk to Me in Korean (Limited Edition)

(GIF isn’t mine!)

Your boyfriend knows English very well however, there are certain phrases he isn’t quite familiar with...

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: guys...this is what happens when I suppress my love for Jungkook. Enjoy the ride. 

**ALL ITALICIZED WORDS INDICATE WHEN THE CHARACTERS ARE SPEAKING KOREAN***

Warnings: smut, language, 18+ over only please :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jungkook’s face is buried in your chest, his strong, toned arms wrapped around you, holding you tightly to the warmth of his body.

Last night, when he got in, he was completely and utterly exhausted. His normally doe-like expression was plagued with dark under eye circles and, slightly puffier red cheeks, no doubt from his 17 hour work day.

Jungkook never really knew when to quit. He didn’t know how to rest, how to pause, until he met you.

You grounded him and, kept him sane.

Through the fairytales that played out in his daily life, there were also scarier stories, darker stories scattered between them: Stories of Jungkook passing out due to overexertion, skipping meals to fit the desired number on the scale and, constant, never-ending self-depreciation.

Jungkook is different now however, he knows how to pause.

In fact, he kind of likes it.

A break, no matter how short, was long overdue for the man currently snoring between your breasts.

It was long over-due for the six other men who slept soundly in their bedrooms.

The news of the break broke to him recently, after months of negotiating.

Jungkook had rushed home, practically tripping through the front door to break the news to you, his smile wide, eyes crinkled in utter joy.

“Noona!” He had said, placing clumsy kisses against your lips, “We’re taking a break. No working for a whole month, isn’t that amazing?”

You had been in disbelief, completely shocked at the news but, you giggled and accepted his eager lips, kissing him with all of the joy you could muster.

Their final concert was last night and, you were thankfully able to get the night off work to come and support him.

He had been incredible.

He always is.

But now, nuzzled so, so closely against your chest, lips pursed against your skin, body vibrating ever so slightly with his snoring, he wasn’t Jungkook of BTS.  He wasn’t the golden maknae who could do no wrong or the incredibly sinful heartthrob you had seen gallivanting on the stage the night before.

Although, he still looked the part.

He was just, Jungkook.

The man who you met in the most cliché coffee shop during a thunderstorm, nearly 2 years ago, the man who laughs at vine compilations at 2am, the man who proudly shows you his Overwatch achievements and literally begs you to watch him ‘beat this noob into a pulp’, the man who makes everything a bet or a challenge, the man who cried when he confessed his love for you and, consistently showers you with affection whenever the two of you were in private. 

The love of your life.

You look down at him, smiling gently at the mass of black hair on his head. He had been growing it out and, you weren’t complaining, he looked amazing.

As you place a gentle kiss on his head, you literally feel him smile against your chest, his arms tightening around you. It’s almost as if he realizes once again, that he doesn’t have to be anywhere today. His legs move underneath the covers to intertwine with your own. You try your best to ignore the toned muscles as they seem to flex and unflex with his movements.

“Are you ok?” You whisper to him, fingers coming up to gently comb through his black tresses, your lips placing another kiss on his head.

The smile doesn’t wane but, he returns your gesture by placing a kiss on your chest, nuzzling into your further.

 He doesn’t speak, he just nods.

You giggle, nails tenderly scratching at his head, one of his many weaknesses.

Jungkook feels himself melting, the sensation of your hand utterly intoxicating, everything feels so gentle.

“Did you sleep good?” You whisper again, slowly coaxing him awake with your touch. Your other hand begins tracing shapes against the bare skin of his back thus, causing him to melt further into you.

He nods, his lips pressing to you again.  

Another giggle passes your lips as you draw hearts on the expanse of his toned back, admiring the curves and dips of his muscles.

He truly is the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen and, you seriously can’t believe he’s all yours.

“Noona?” His voice finally makes an appearance and, it ruins you.

Tender and scratchier than normal, sweetness dripping off the ends of it…

“Yeah?” You whisper, smoothing a thumb over his forehead as he looks up at you.

His bunny teeth make an appearance as he lets a delighted grin take over his features, “Today is…my break huh?”

His English is improving everyday, he started learning it seriously nearly a year ago, after he knew you were the one.

“It’s the first day of your break, yeah…are you excited?”  You comb his fluffy black hair away from his face, trying not to explode with fondness.

He nods eagerly, smiling still as he leans into your lips, kissing you deeply, “I can’t believe it…I get to stay inside today, with you…”

His kisses increased in frequency as he starts pecking at your lips over and over, causing you to giggle as you accept each one.

“Mm…I love when you laugh…it’s so cute…” He hums, still kissing you but, his lips are moving slowly as his hands grip your waist, nose nudging against yours, “so cute…”

You feel something stir inside of you, something warm and intoxicating.

“What do you want to do today? We can do whatever you want…” You murmur against his lips, fingers still tending to his scalp, your movements giving him goosebumps.

A playful smirk is on his mouth now as he nudges your nose again, “We are doing it now…”

“You want to kiss all day?” You affirm and, he giggles this time, slowly beginning to roll onto his back, taking you with him as he does.

“Maybe…with other things too…” His tone is slightly more sultry, his wide-eyed gaze captivating you as you settle on top of him. He lets out a shakier breath through pursed lips as his hands rest on the tops of your thighs.

You smirk, a finger hooking underneath his chin, guiding his gaze to your own, “What kind of things?”

He returns your smirk, his hands sliding further up your thighs, his cheeks dusting pink at your question, “You know…”

His confidence is waning slightly as it usually does when you’re on top of him, Jungkook had trouble expressing his desires and, even after all this time, you still make him nervous.

“I don’t think I do Kookie…will you tell me?” You tease and, you feel yourself growing slightly damp as he begins to plump up against your panties.

“It’s dirty…I don’t know it in English…” He’s practically pouting, his satoori coming through as he speaks to you in his native language.

You’d been learning Korean slightly longer than he’s been learning English so, you understand him perfectly.

“Tell me like this then….” You respond and, Jungkook’s gotta admit, hearing you speak his language turns him on.

“I want to fuck you…” His tone is deeper now but, he giggles at the end of his sentence, shocked by the contents of his own sentence.

You laugh with him, grinding down onto his growing erection, causing him to groan, “You’re bolder in Korean…”

He smirks, his thumbs pushing against the skin on your inner thigh, “I’m a man deprived Noona, forgive me, I’ve gone without your touch for so long…”

Jesus.

You’ve never done this before.

Jungkook lets his Korean slip out in the heat of the moment but, you’ve never heard him talk dirty in his native tongue before.

It was driving you crazy.

And, Jungkook, as smug as he was, could tell…

“Do you like this Noona? When I talk to you like this? Does it make you hot?” He practically whines his words, knowing how weak his submission makes you. His hands roam further up your thighs as he presses his hips up to yours.

You nod, biting your lip as you stare down at him, running your nails gently over the tops of his forearms, trying to stimulate him in some way.

He smirks again, delighting in his effect on you, he isn’t used to being the dirty one, that’s normally your job but, he’s getting off on it.

He wants to tell you how bad he wants you…

“You know how much I ache for you right? When I’m away…I play every night and, I think of you…” He breathes his confession, strong and capable hips grinding deliberately against your core. You can feel his hardness even more so, he’s practically throbbing beneath you.

“You play?” You question, encouraging him to elaborate, addicted to the sound of his voice.

He giggles again, mischief and satisfaction gracing his features, he couldn’t remember a time when he felt so free, he always holds back but, this time he wouldn’t, this time, he would lay it all out, “I touch my cock. I play with it so much and, I think of you. I think of your body, your perfect body…you’re so soft Noona, you know that? I have to bite down on my hand Noona…so I don’t whine too loud…”

The two of you are riding against each other slowly, savoring each wave of pleasure that’s washing over you, “And do you cum for me?”

A delighted smirk is on his pouty mouth and, he hums happily, nodding, his hands securing themselves on your hips, guiding you against him, “I ruin my underwear for you everytime…”

You’re ruining your own underwear at the moment but, you couldn’t care less, the slow, aching build up between your legs is worth making a mess of the sheets.

“Noona? Are you hot? Is that why you’re moving against me like this? It feels good Noona, it makes me crazy…” He’s breathless at this point but, he shows no sign of slowing. His hair, parted down the middle is growing messier and messier as he pushes his head against the pillow.

You nod, biting your lip, trying to breathe through your nose, eyes alight with pure lust, “You’re so hard jagi… it must be hurting now.”

He almost grimaces but, the pleasure on his face is too strong, “I like it when it hurts Noona…you know that…”

You pull your t-shirt off as the heat radiating over your body becomes too much, Jungkook groans at the sight of you, his eyes darkening as he thrusts up against.

“Oh Noona…look at you…” He keens, his hands leaving your hips to palm your breasts, his touch becoming rushed and greedy.

It had been too long, an entire month to be exact, since the last time the two of you were intimate and, you could feel desperation brewing inside of you.

“I can’t tease anymore…I really need to feel you…” You’re back to English now, your focus not sharp enough to speak a different language

And apparently, Jungkook is in the same boat…

An uncharacteristic smirk appears on his mouth, as he leans up towards you, his hands steadying you against him as he lingers near your mouth, his breath leaving his lips in shallow pants, “What are you waiting for then? Put me where I belong…”

You smash your mouth against him and, the kiss is hard and sloppy but, neither of you care. Your hand frantically slips between your bodies and, into the opening in Jungkook’s tight black boxers. He smiles into your mouth, shuddering as he feels your touch, his hips pushing eagerly against your hand.

He assists you, shaky fingers hooking under the side of you panties pulling them aside, looking up at you through his long lashes, a ravenous glint in his eyes, “This is mine…”

Normally, you’d admonish his language, the power is usually in your favor but, this time, you give it to him.

He’s earned it.

“It’s yours…” You breathe, sucking his bottom lip into your mouth, fingers pushing his hair back, tugging on it slightly, your other hand squeezing his cock gently. “And this is mine…”

He giggles, delusional for you, his mouth hanging open for you, “Yes Noona…all yours…for your pleasure…”

You suck nibble on his lip as he scoots back against the head board, his strength impressive as always.

The two of you tense slightly as you begin sliding down on him, never breaking eye contact but, Jungkook’s eyes are glazing over, a lazy fucked out smile still on his face.

“It’s so hot inside…it makes my heart pound Noona…”

His satoori is so thick at this point that you’re having trouble understanding him but, it doesn’t matter.

The feeling of him inside of you is so euphoric, it gives you chills.

Slowly, you begin sliding up and down his length, the feeling completely out of this world.

Jungkook is smiling all the while, its boyish and content, his hands clutching to you, toned stomach muscles quivering with the sensations assaulting his body.

“Pleasure…pleasure…pleasure…all you give me is pleasure Noona…I’m so weak for you, no one else Noona…ah” He whimpers at the end of his sentence but, it’s intentional, he’s trying to drive you wild, he’s letting himself be filthy for once.

He feels drunk.

You breathe shakily in return, your pace increasing as you seek to turn his brain to mush, “You like it when your Noona fucks you don’t you? It feels good huh? Did you miss it?”

Jungkook stares up at you with the same glazed, fucked out expression, “Missed it…missed you…so good.”

He’s back to English but, you already miss his Korean, you didn’t realize how much it would affect you.

His hips are powerful as they fuck up into you, the tip of him curving sinfully against your g-spot, your orgasm beginning to build inside of you.

Jungkook notices this, he notices the details, every single one, “Oh did I hit a good spot Noona? Inside? I’m a good boy yeah? I always know where it is huh?”

The smirk is back but, the twitching of his cock leads you to believe that he’s nearing his finish as well, the pleasure swimming through his veins.

“You’re such a good boy Jungkook…so good for me…” You whisper, grabbing his hands and placing them over your breasts, the two of you grinding harder against one another.

“Oh fuck…” He whimpers, his eyes squeezing shut, his hands squeezing the tender flesh.

He has a weakness for that nickname and, hearing you say it in his native tongue, drives him up the wall.

“Noona…I ‘m getting close…” He’s pleading with you but, you haven’t given him a reason to, not yet at least.

It’s your turn to smirk now, your thumb pressing over his spit-slicked lips. He takes your thumb into his mouth, sucking on it eagerly, bunny teeth nibbling the tip of it.

“Are you? Are you gonna cum hard if I let you?” You inquire, trying to maintain your composure, your finish line rapidly approaching.

He nods frantically, still sucking on your thumb, “Yes but…Noona cums first…always, I want her to cum on me…please?”

The words do a number on your heart and, you move your hips faster against him, your hand finding its way down to your swollen clit, “You want me to cum on you? Fuck me harder then…show me how much you want it…”

He doesn’t need to be told twice, he sits up then, securing you to him as he begins pounding up inside of you.

There’s no warning, you cum, hard, the pace and the curve of him too much to resist, your motions on your clit sending a tidal wave of pleasure crashing against you.

“Jungkook…” You whimper his name and, he nearly looses it, his eyes rolling back at the sound.

But he holds off, he wants to watch you fall apart and, he knows better than to finish without permission.

His eyes widen as he fucks you through your orgasm, in shock at how beautiful he thinks you are.

“So pretty Noona…you cum so pretty for me…on me…oh god Noona, I love you, I love you Noona…I’m so close for you…” He’s practically crying, the emotion, the pleasure, the visuals, they’re too much.

“I love you…” You whisper, still rocking against him as you come down from your orgasm but, despite your exhaustion, you still long to make him fall apart underneath you.

With a finger hooked underneath his chin, you hold his desperate, wide eyed expression, “Cum…”

His body jerks then, as he starts to spill inside of you, his body seizing up slightly as he pounds into you. His cock pulses with pleasure, his nipples harden and, he feels like he’s gonna scream.

“Noona…Noona…cover my mouth, cover it please-oh fu…fuck…” The volume of his desperate voice nearly reaches a dangerous level before you clamp a hand over his mouth.

He whines against your hand, hips still jerking about beneath you as tears stream down the sides of his face.

You lean in kissing them away, your hips still moving slightly as you try and ease him down, “Good boy…such a good boy, it’s ok, I’m right here jagiya, just come for me…you’re so good, such a good boy.”

A muffled cry is felt against your hand as he slowly descends from the most intense orgasm of his life. He whimpers against your hand, kissing it sloppily as his hands clutch your hips, slowing you down.

You place a kiss over the top of your hand but, make no moves to pull it away just yet.

Jungkook’s body goes limp beneath you, his eyes red and rimmed with overflowing tears, as you place gentle kisses over his face.

“I love you…you did so good for me…” You whisper words of praise and reassurance into his skin as he slowly begins to calm down.

He nods, blinking away his tears as he relishes in your touch and, it’s then you pull your hand away, the palm of it covered in his saliva.

“Y/N I love you…I love you so much, I missed you so much…” He whisper shakily and, you nod, placing a gentle kiss against his lips.

“I’m here…I love you, I’m not going anywhere…”

The thing is, you know Jungkook well. Better than he knows himself sometimes and, nearly two weeks ago, he came home to find your suitcase on his bed, causing him to panic.

He thought you were leaving him.

It was a misunderstanding of course, you had only been looking for a necklace you had lost but, still, it shook your boyfriend to his core.

It’s always been a fear of his and, for a moment, albeit it briefly, he thought it had come true.

He had been rather attached since then, checking in on you a lot more, trying his best to express himself, something he has always had an issue with.

You’ve been there through his unease, trying to reassure him in anyway that you can, that you were in this for the long haul.

You both needed this, this passionate unyielding sex and, judging by Jungkook’s current smile, blissful and entranced, you can tell it had soothed him.

“Yah…I’m so hungry now…” He whispers moments later, giggling, “I feel like I worked out…”

You return his giggle, kissing his forehead, “Sex burns a lot of calories actually so, I’m not surprised you feel that way…”

He perks up, smirking up at you, “Does it? Well, I guess I figured out how I’m gonna stay in shape while we’re on break then...”

Sounds like a plan.

[hwanuels]

l.hc: stay with me

summary: the confusing subject of lee haechan 

pairing: highschool!stoner-boi!haechan x reader 

warning: a shit ton of cursing, still got a lot of crackheadness, and DRUGS. no i’m not kidding, if you aren’t okay with that shit don’t read ahead. also! still part of my semi-collab with @huangsren! read her fic here: art-hoe!renjun  BEWARE OF GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES!!!!! 

it’s your favorite local stoner-boi!haechan’s turn

like norenmin, haechan’s name gets tossed around on the daily at NCT Highschool, except not with the same positive connotation

haehcan’s reputation isn’t the best but it could be worse

no it can’t

it’s actually really bad

everyone knows haechan to either be taking a gigantic nap in class or vaping in the bathroom. he gets into detention weekly bc the boy skips school like every other day 

the only reason why haechan hasn’t been expelled was bc he was the principal’s son 

don’t bring that up or he’ll actually cuss you out no cap

although he’s well-known, he’s only got like two friends + college-freshmen!mark lee (hA what a loser)

and one of them was currently in some type of situation with fboi!jaemin that haechan can’t be bothered to deal with –> y/n from fboi!jaemin’s au who will be further known as ara in this story

the other one was you, he liked to keep that one a little more private

it was never explicitly stated that you would maintain your sorta friendship a secret  

although could you really call it friendship if you’re doing all of the things people in relationships actually do? 

like haechan would always call you up in the middle of the night  to get boba or frozen yogurt for no reason

or sometimes yall would be cuddling in your bedroom watching some stupid movie on netflix,,,haechan would probably be throwing popcorn at the laptop screen bc of something stupid the main protagonist would do 

the other times, he would text a simple “pick me up” 

and you knew that that meant that haechan was too high or drunk to operate

there would be nights where you would be chilling in your car as haechan vaped 

you hated it 

but you could never hate lee donghyuck who now went by lee haechan 

yall met around the middle of sophomore year 

damn so much shit goes down sophomore year at NCT high

aNYways, you were stressed out from studying so you decided to take a stroll in the park at like ten at night. 

was that a stupid idea? yes, but at least that’s when you met haechan dressed in a navy green hoodie and a puff of smoke leaving his lips

sophomore!you was like highkey shookth seeing the lee donghyuck smoking in a park

bc at this time, lee donghyuck wasn’t lee haechan 

he was one of the school’s golden boys 

yeah that’s right norenmin used to be norenminhyuck or the 00′s 

he was the star of the school’s choir and the biggest class clown that still managed to get good grades

so imagine your shock when you see him with a cigarette in his hand

you figured that it was best to leave donghyuck alone since you weren’t the nosy type of person

except you weren’t that discreet in leaving when your eyes met donghyuck’s bright red ones 

you stood there for a second, both of you locked in what seemed to be staring contest, before turning to leave since it wasn’t any of your business what donghyuck was getting up to

the next day of school, donghyuck was back to his bubbly, fun self which seemed to be a drastic contrast from the one you saw at the park 

when your eyes interlocked in the hallways, donghyuck raised a finger to his lips when he was sure no one else was looking 

and you understood 

somehow you found yourself in this strange no-talking sit-downs in the park relationship with donghyuck while he smoked on the bench next to you 

this went down for a couple of weeks where the two of you would just sit in heavy silence. the only noises were the cicadas chirping in the background

until one night when donghyuck dressed in the same navy hoodie wasn’t smoking but his eyes were still red

“why haven’t you told anyone yet?” 

you shrugged “because it’s not my secret to tell” 

“you were shocked when you first saw me that night.” haechan commented 

“yeah, i just never expected it from someone like you,” you admitted

you could hear the boy next to let out a dry chuckle, “you’re not the first person i disappointed” 

“it ruins your lungs btw” 

“i know, i want it to” 

“why do you do it?” 

“because it actually makes me feel alive” 

something changed that night bc the next day donghyuck into a physical fight with the student-athlete!jeno who everyone knew was a pacifist. 

that night haechan showed up with a black eye and you didn’t ask why

donghyuck still gave you an explanation even though it was complete bs

“because he was getting on my nerves” 

but it seemed like the whole group of the golden boys was getting on his nerves bc donghyuck stopped hanging around them for the rest of the year

you saw him sometimes sitting outside on the bleachers during lunch, sleeping or smoking, not afraid to be caught 

you never had the courage to approach him in person at school, bc it seemed like your relationship was strictly limited to the park 

but you couldn’t help to be worried about him with the drastic change in character he was undergoing 

one day, he showed up to school with bright red hair and did nothing in all of his classes but take a nap 

sometimes he didn’t even show up to school 

you heard from someone that he quit choir which was shame bc you always wanted to hear him sing 

and sophomore year bled into junior year and donghyuck was no longer known as donghyuck but as haechan 

it was weird, every time you would get the urge to take a midnight stroll in the park, haechan would be sitting there on his usual bench sometimes smoking sometimes not

you always sat down next to him even if you knew that you were just going to sit there in silence

“give me your phone number,” he said bluntly holding out his hand for your phone 

“why” 

“i’m tired of waiting for you to come to the park” 

and you really confuse because does that mean that haechan wanted to be your friend??? 

as if he can read your mind, he rolls his eyes “yes, let’s be friends. you’re a lot better than those fakes in our goddamn school.” 

so that’s how your friendship began with the lee donghyuck, rebranded as haechan 

he doesn’t let anyone call him donghyuck but you,,, you still try your best not to call him that bc he doesn't like it 

gotta respect your friends’ wishes y’know

it wasn’t until haechan was over at like 2am in your room, both of you talking in small whispers bc you don’t want your parents to wake up and find you laying in bed with a BOI, that y'all reached the final level of closeness and haechan let slip one of the reason behind his reckless actions

“you know what sucks? even when i’m acting out like this, my parents still refuse to acknowledge me. it’s like they don’t care” 

and your like :((( 

“i’m pretty sure they care about you a lot,” you didn’t like the listlessly way he was talking 

“you don’t get it. when my dad saw my hair, all he told me to do was to dye it back. my mom didn’t even freak out when she saw me smoking a blunt with my friend in my room. they could care less” 

and haechan begins to spill

“even when i was achieving so much, they rarely ever bat an eye at me. do you know how hard it is to come to school and put on the facade of that i have no worries in the world? that i’m that cheery happy-go-lucky kid? even renjun is allowed to have moody days, but i’m expected to always be the mood maker. i fucking hate it.” 

you stayed silent listening to his rant 

“when jeno was complaining about how his parents invited his whole family to his stupid basketball game, i just got so angry because my parents haven’t been to one recital ever since i joined the choir. nor did they go to the science fair where i actually won first place with that stupid potato rocket i did with renjun.” 

haechan let’s out a bittersweet laugh 

“after that fight with jeno, no one asked if i was okay or why i even did it. none of them did. my dad didn’t even look at me in the eye when i went to his office, all he cared about was if the school’s basketball mvp was okay.” 

“god, i’m so numb to all of this shit. i don’t even know how to be happy anymore” 

that night you didn’t say anything to haechan bc you didn’t know what to say. but that night was the first and last night you ever saw haechan cry or that emotionally vulnerable bc the next day, he acted like it never happened 

by junior year, everyone already knew that the old donghyuck was gone and haechan was here to stay 

BUT your relationship with haechan wasn’t one-sided at all 

nooooo there were nights where you were the one crying and haechan was the one comforting you even though his advice was bs

you best bet that when haechan got his license, he dragged your ass to midnight drives to the cliff, but you would be the one to drive him home bc he probably vaped a little too much on the cliff��

despite breaking down that one night, haechan was very emotionally closed off. he didn’t smile as often as he used to in public unless it was with you

sometimes he would catch himself smiling when you said something really dumb or when he found your antics adorable, but he would never admit it and the smile would be quickly gone from his face.

your hangouts were so lowkey

one night, junior year, you were just chilling in your car with hyuck and he just leans over and kisses you. 

you could still smell the strawberry vape juice on him but you didn’t stop the kiss,,,cuz it felt nice

his lips felt like soft little cloud pillows 

and when haechan pulls away he has this little smirk on his face while you're flustered as fuck 

let’s be honest, that wouldn’t be the last time y'all locked lips 

cause it happened a lot 

especially in the car and sometimes in your room 

you can’t lie and say you don’t have any sort of feelings for haechan 

especially when you do see his real smile that he doesn’t let anyone see or when he made the effort to stop smoking cigarettes 

although you still highly disapprove of his drug usage

drugs are bad kids! 

haechan has his own reasons for continuing to use it so as much as you try to discourage him, you don’t stop him 

you’d like to say that you’re the only girl in his life, but your not

bc you were only hyuck’s friend at night,,,he has a day friend who was also a girl who he didn’t seem to care to be seen w at school 

a really pretty (AKA y/n from jaemin’s au) one who you also saw on multiple occasion haechan flashes his breathtaking smile too 

one of your friends had gossip that that girl was ara, who was dropped by her friend group bc she was dating haechan who had beef w jaemin who was dating ara’s ex-bestfriend? confusing, yeah i thought so too. 

you knew better than to listen to stupid highschool rumors but you couldn’t help but come to your own assumptions about the closeness of their friendship 

bECause haechan never mentioned ara in any of your conversations

at lunch, you can’t but let your eyes drift to the two of them in their own world laughing away 

you only met her once when mark was dropping haechan off at your house bc he much rather be at yours then his 

you were a little bit hurt since she got to know mark before you did 

you knew that mark was one of haechan’s closest friend and someone he really respected even though he liked to bag on him 24/7

as much as you tried not to, you found yourself repeatedly comparing yourself to her 

the subject of ara was left alone, forever stored in your insecurities

you didn’t want to confront haechan about it bc you didn’t want to admit it but you caught the big bad feels for the boy

so your feelings were left untouched until senior year

when the two of you were making out in your room and haechan suddenly pulls away with wide eyes 

and he lets out an “oh fuck” 

now, you were worried 

did you somehow do something wrong? 

“ara is going to fucking kill me,” haechan muttered grabbing his phone, calling someone up 

“hey gramps, can you pick ara up? i kinda left her at school,” haechan said through the phone to someone you presume to be mark

“okay, fine i’ll bring you weed brownies and hurry up before she gives me shit tomorrow. you know how high-maintenance she gets” and he hangs up the phone, throwing it aside 

“sorry about that,” haechan says going to resume what the two of you started but you stop him

cause it hurts too much and you don’t know what the hell you are to haechan

“i can’t do this anymore, hyuck” you say in a small voice, not daring to look him in the eyes bc u know damn well that he’ll see the tears in your eyes

“what do you mean?” you could hear the worry in the voice

“this,” you gesture between the two of you “i can’t anymore” 

and haechan knows what you’re talking about 

he’s been dreading the moment,,,he could sense the end 

which is the last thing he wants

“what’s wrong?” 

you bite your lip not wanting to start breaking down in front of the boy you grew to love so much 

your heart was hurting so bad,,,but you couldn’t continue on pining over a boy that would never love you the same way 

“what am i to you, hyuck?” 

one of the things that haechan hated the most was seeing you sad 

he hated how you saying his nickname in that teary voice made his heart drop 

“you’re my friend, y/n. actually, you're my bestfriend” 

you look him in the eyes this time, but haechan wished you didn’t 

“i’d never be more than that, right?” you smiled sadly at the boy

for once in his life, haechan is rendered completely speechless 

“i think you should leave” 

he knew that he should have put up a fight 

yet he couldn’t bring himself to 

there was this pang of hurt in his chest that he couldn’t quite explain 

so he left 

he wished he didn’t 

the minute he walked out the door he felt all of the happiness leave his body,, he knew that when he walked out the door, he would never be walking back 

when he got home in his room that night, he didn’t have it in him to pick up his usual blunt or his vape pen 

instead, he flopped onto his bed staring up at his ceiling 

there was wetness on his cheeks,,,his vision was blurry,,,and his heart hurt 

he almost contemplated skipping school the next day, but he didn’t want to spend his day wallowing in his despair that he didn’t even know why he felt 

his eyes were red as fuck so he tried to play if off as if he were high because who would question it?

so that’s why he went to school with a pair of sunglasses to hide his puffy, red eyes 

he was expecting everyone to leave him alone cuz he looked like he was faded but his shithead friend ara marched over to him and pulled him away leaving behind a very confused looking jaemin

that’s probably a story i’ll hear later. he thought.

“you fucking moron,” ara exclaimed at him punching him in the arm “this is like the eighteenth time you have gone to school fucking high! get a grip man!” 

“don’t lecture me as if you weren’t talking to the parasite,” haechan huffed, rubbing his arm from the pain

damn she packed a punch 

ara squinted and haechan realized he fucked up with his fake high act 

so the girl reached out and grabbed his sunglasses much to his protest and saw his puffy eyes

“hOLY sHIt, dude were you crying?” 

haechan snatched back his sunglasses and quickly put them back on, “fuck you” 

“sorry man, what happened?” 

“i don’t even know” 

“you want a pity hug?” 

“why the fuck not” 

the thing was haechan wasn’t touchy with other girls except for you, so the hug w ara was like a bro hug 

all that awkward patting and shit

stupid haechan failed to notice that you were standing at the end of the hallway, witnessing the whole scene 

now it was clear to you that you didn’t mean shit to haechan 

you were just a girl that could make him feel less lonely in secret, nothing more 

he had no trouble displaying his relationship w ara in public 

why did he make it seem like he wanted to keep you a secret? 

you were tired of it

spinning on your heel, heart-shattering into pieces, you walked away from lee haechan for the very last time 

basically now, it was simp hours 24/7 for the both of you

even college-freshmen! mark knew something was off with his highschool weed buddy 

“dude, what’s goin on with you lately?” 

the two of them were on their regular get-high cliff except mark was the only one doing the deed, haechan was just spaced out 

“i dunno” haechan shrugged 

mark made a face that was like “if you don’t tell me i’m beating the shit out of you” 

“okay fine, y/n doesn’t want me in her life anymore,” haechan spilled the beans on the whole situation between the two of you and mark is like “and i thought i was the fucking idiot” 

haechan is like wdym bruh? 

“are you dumb, bro? like are you out of touch with your feelings or sum shit?” 

“huh” 

“goddamn i have to do everything in this household, listen to me you little bitch boy, grow a pair and admit that you have feelings for her!” 

haechan’s face is like O.o 

“are you high right now, mark?” 

instant smack on the back of his head 

“no you dumb shit; just say that you like her and that ara is just a friend!” 

“what does this have to do ara?” 

mark is like BOI IF YOU DON’t

“obviously, you failed to mention that you managed to befriend a person who just happens to be a really pretty girl-” 

“dude, ara is fucking ugly. i’d date you before i’d ever date her” 

“stfu and listen bitch boy. anyways, y/n is probably highkey confused bc she probably thinks you’re interested in ara since you’ve been spending a shit ton of time w ara in the day time but you only come to y/n at night.” 

“i do that because i don’t want people to associate her with the things i do just because i’m friends with her. she’s doesn’t deserve to be roped into the same category as me” 

aNOTHer smack in the head 

“go clean up the mess you made and admit your feelings you fucking shithead.” 

“how?” 

“i dunno, ask her to prom or some shit” 

“i don’t want to go to prom” 

“DO SOME ROMEO AND JULIET SHIT IDFC JUST STOP BEING A DUMB PUSSY” enuff said 

so haechan gets dropped back at his house and he does some thinking about his so-called “feelings”

which is a fat surprise bc haechan is the living embodiment of impulsiveness,, he had only one brain cell to do his thinking

did he like you? idk man

he liked the way you smiled every time you told him something good about your day while the two of you cuddled. or when you would watch a funny clip on your phone and share it with him

he liked the way your hair smelled liked vanilla and was always so soft every time he ran his fingers through you hair

he liked the way you never turned him away even when he knew that you hated the way he was living his life. 

all of his other friends didn’t even make the effort to reach out to him when he was so obviously out of it. he felt unimportant with them

you were different

you made him feel happy, loved, and cared for

he no longer craved the attention of his parents or anyone in fact because he has you

or well he HAD you 

right now, all of the phone calls, text messages, and even snaps went straight to delivered, voicemail, or unopened

every time you’d see him in the halls, you would go the other direction

all of the times haechan tried to reach out to you, all of his attempts were deflected 

now how the fuck does one confessed when they’re being ignored???

“that sounds like a personal problem,” ara stated, stabbing her food angrily after haechan told her his predicament during lunch

na jaemin had just gone by their table and did someone bullshit that haechan could care less about, he stopped associating himself w him a long time ago

“no shit sherlock, help me bitch.” 

ara glared at him “you got yourself into this mess so fix it yourself” 

“i hope you fucking choke on an ice cube” 

“i’ll slit your throat in your sleep, lee haechan” 

wow everyone really out here expecting haechan to solve his own problems. how selfish of them.

which is probably why his plan of execution was shitty as fuccck

you, on the other side of the equation, was currently in the depths of your despair as all of your friends had managed to score dates to senior prom which was this weekend

you’re highly disappointed bc if it wasn’t for you being so preoccupied with the thought of haechan you’d probably have a date by now 

hell you even lied to haechan saying how you didn’t want to go to prom bc it was too extravagant for your taste when in actuality, you wanted to get dressed up, take pretty pictures, and dance awkwardly to a slow song 

the typical highschool prom experience

one thing that you didn’t want to admit was that the only boy you could picture as your date was donghyuck, the same boy that you wanted to get out of your thoughts and heart

the night of prom, you were stuck in your bed in a pair of sweats and some random oversized t-shirt scrolling through social media

to say you weren’t jealous of all the fun senior prom seemed to be was a giANT lie you could’ve just went alone!!!

honestly, even your parents were out having fun on a date night while you were being depresso espresso at home

you flopped in bed with a giant huff bc who was haechan to stop you from experiencing your highschool years! who was he to make you feel so bad that you couldn’t even go to prom! 

your phoned buzzed in your hand causing you to look down and nearly scowled at the message that was sent to you

hyuck: open up 

you ignored it, turning your attention back to that stupid rom-com you were watching on your laptop 

your phone continued to ding w messages you were sure were from haechan but you don’t want to open bc you knew that you would probably be launched into another wave of sadness and maybe even break-down cry in front of him so you turned your ringer off 

but out of nowhere, you hear this loud thud against your window 

wtf was that? alert mode on

then you hear a loud shout 

“BITCH ISTG IF YOU DON’T OPEN TF UP” 

you already knew who it was, so you contemplated on whether or not you wanted to actually confront him or run away from all of your problems (*coughs* ara *coughs* haechan)

 you didn’t get much time to think bc another thing was launched at your window

haechan’s shoe

walking over you opened ur window to see below haechan on your lawn with a giant cheeky smile on his face you knew for a fact it was genuine

he only smiled like that when the two of you were bent over laughing at something stupid he or you did

aww shit here comes the sad bugs again 

“what do you want?” you say loud enough for him to hear “go to prom with me!” haechan shouts up making you and your heart flustered af 

“prom already started, you idiot” 

“then let’s dance in your room” 

as much as you knew you should have turned him away, you couldn’t

you were so in love with haechan 

the minute you open the door you were engulfed into his chest

you froze up not knowing how to react 

“don’t let me go please,” haechan says barely louder than a whisper

goDAmmit haechan’s making me tear the fuck up

“you’re the only one in my life that hasn’t left me. the only one that was willing to understand me. i know that i’m not the best guy out there, i know that i’m nothing great, but when you look at me with that stupid smile of yours i feel so god damn on top of the world.”  

he hugs you tighter “please, please, y/n don’t leave me. i need you in my life.” 

something wet drops on your shoulder but you don’t dare to look up at haechan’s teary eyes 

closing your eyes you fall into his chest, his familiar scent triggering tears of your own 

“i love you” he pulls away from you to look at your face for a response, your eyes meeting his shaking brown orbs 

you have to raise your head slightly up to look at him while he was looking down at you

his hair was a mess of a light pastel rainbow (we go up broski) 

that’s when you notice how red his eyes were but there was no stench of weed or alcohol on him 

lee haechan was completely sober 

“i’ve always been yours, lee donghyuck”  

lee haechan wasn’t like other guys. he was lee donghyuck. he was complex and it would take you years to completely unravel him. even when you knew him for so long, you still had no idea was going through his mind. there were times where you found yourself stumped on the subject of haechan, but it was okay 

because you were willing to take the time to understand. 

[oopsimpregnant]

Everyone is a Huge Liar

Based on my research and experience, a lot of people lie to pregnant people and new parents. They say things like ‘it all goes by so fast’ to a parent with a newborn who’s been up for six days with their colic-e baby. “There’s no reason to worry,” they say to a pregnant person who’s passed the first trimester, as if nothing else can go wrong. And everyone says this, too: that in the 2nd trimester, you will be the most comfortable, and experience ‘bursts of renewed energy.’

I’m in my second trimester now, and I gotta say - that shit hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe it’s true that it’s ‘the most comfortable’ trimester, but that’s gotta be a low bar if so. It’s hard for me to sleep - hard for me to get comfy. The baby’s precious lil kicks, finally something I can feel daily, go down mostly when I’m trying to sleep. And holy shit - those ‘bursts of renewed energy’ are just. Not. Happening.

I’m tired, folks. I’m tired from not sleeping enough. Even when I manage to sleep enough, I’m tired anyway, in a bone deep, exhausting kind of way that I doubt is gonna go away before the kid moves on to college or the circus or whatever passion she aims for. 

It doesn’t help - and I mean, at all - that I work at a daycare, in the 1 to 2 year old classroom. “Oh,” those liars say, “that must be wonderful. You’re getting so much practice!”

Let me tell you something. I don’t support abstinence only education, but a great and under-utilized tool of it is daycare work. You wanna scare the sex out of a teen? Make them change ten diapers every two hours (minimum) every day of the week. Make them be in charge of the survival and happiness of a room full of toddlers, even for just a short amount of time. Even just put them in charge of lunch for the day. They’ll run screaming from anything that could possibly put that responsibility in their hands ever again. 

Here’s the thing. I already love the shit out of my baby. She’s beautiful! She’s perfect! She’s performing a tap dance on my bladder right now, pinching my back, and making getting dressed in the morning a New Challenge, but she’s the best. Fuck anyone who fucks with her, ever. I’m not a confrontational person, but I swear, I will beat up the first teacher that makes her feel small.

But other babies? Other babies suck.

While I do suggest practice for the sake of learning the basics - how to change a diaper in under a minute, how to actually hold one of these floppy sacks of delicate bones and tears - I do not suggest prolonged exposure. I’ve heard (hopefully not more lies) that it’s different with your own, cuz you love them, and actually want to do all the stuff you gotta do for them. 

That being said, the mountain of what I must achieve as a parent already looms before me, and I swear, every time one of these toddlers reaches in their diaper and takes out their poop, it rises higher.

In an ideal world, the 2nd trimester might just be comfortable. Not even an ideal world - just this one, with more money. I could totally see how this almost manageable belly, 20 week 3d ultrasound pics, and a world intent on humoring and supporting your holy vessel-ness could be dandy. If I just didn’t have to work 40+ hours per week. If I could get lobster thermidor (a food I’ve only seen in The Sims yet for some reason CRAVE) with steak and a dessert I can’t pronounce when i woke up craving it like crazy at 2am, my lovely child performing a tap dance on my cervix. If I could get a professional massage, daily, and then spend at least an hour in a sensory deprivation chamber. A big one, that lets me just float. 

It’d all be fucking dope, if all that went down.

I hear it’s all worth it in the end.

(I don’t think that’s more lies, even)

[flyonmylovee]

[ I’m getting back into my writing groove so here’s some sappy headcanon stuff I like about Sora’s friendships/relationships !! (part 1)

Taichi: I imagine Sora & Taichi’s friendship as an ongoing dramady of them figuring out how they can be polar opposites yet exactly the same. Taichi recognizing when Sora is down (...most of the time) and trying his hardest to cheer her up. Always great intentions, usually poor execution. He’ll bake her something she’s allergic to as an apology and Sora won’t have the heart to tell him his hard work is going straight in the trash. She’ll wait till he leaves. She’ll wish that she could try a bite so she could at least tell him it was good. He won’t follow up, though, so it doesn’t really matter. Unlike with most others, Taichi takes Sora’s forgiveness at face value. If they’re talking forgiveness, they’re way past the point of holding back from each other.

Their fights only get bad because they take each other for granted. Every once in awhile one of them will go too far. The other will hold a painstaking grudge even though after a few days it all seems silly but they’re in too deep to drop it. Sora & Taichi test each other. There’s a weird thrill behind it, isn’t there? When Sora gets particularly snappy, Taichi will push her and see how mad she can get. Someone���s gotta do it, right? Lest she pent it all up and explode unexpectedly? Taichi is the true hero here. /s

I figure that Taichi realizing all the stuff Sora does behind the scenes to maintain their friendship is like being a little kid and realizing your teacher doesn’t sleep under the desk at night. You should have known, but huh- wow, right? Sora keeps Taichi around for a reason though! When Sora needs support, he is a rock solid pillar for her. She’s not sure why she keeps telling him things, but he’s never told a soul about their private conversations when she’s asked him not to. Their trust is the type you crave in newer friendships but cannot achieve unless you literally grew up together or put in an exhausting amount of effort. Fortunately for Sora & Taichi, both things are true. He knows where the spare key to the Takenouchi apartment is hidden and he remembers what boy made Sora cry in elementary school- he cannot remember the reason behind the crying but he certainly remembers how badly he wanted to teach that boy a lesson. If Sora & Taichi didn’t meet as children they’re not sure their friendship would work. They don’t bond over shared traits, but shared experiences.

Taichi & Sora have their own rules. As far as Taichi’s concerned, he can pick on Sora as much as he wants but the moment someone else does it- shoo. Perhaps the two of them develop feelings for each other. Maybe it’s at the same time, maybe it’s not, but they’re probably short lived. Sora will catch him practicing football on occasion and her mind will wander to ‘what ifs’. Taichi doesn’t let his mind wander. He can’t. If his mind wandered over to Sora, he’s not sure he’d ever get it back.    

Yamato: Okay, okay. Imagine when someone you reaaalllyyy care about- really, really- asks you if you think they’d be a good father. Imagine you say yes, of course, and that person responds like they’d never even considered they could be a good parent before. I think about this moment with Sora and Yamato ALL. THE. TIME. Cue the waterworks. Yamato tries to hide it. His bangs conveniently fall into his face, but Sora knows. She always knows. He hates that she knows until he doesn’t. Eventually he likes it. Eventually he can no longer imagine what it’s like to close yourself off to absolutely everyone.

Okay, this girl gets him. Cool. But can she vibe with the family? Heck yeah. Little brother approves? Absolutely. It seems too perfect- it cannot be real. I don’t think Yamato likes to wait for things to break because the anticipation will kill him. Many of their fights come out of thin air. One day Sora complains that Yamato never does the dishes. Yamato overreacts. They don’t speak for the rest of the afternoon. Later that night, Yamato uncharacteristically (to an outsider) breaks the silence to apologize. He was the only one that did the dishes when it was just him and his dad, and he took pride in keeping the apartment orderly. Huh. He has no idea why he just told her that. It’s too late. Suddenly, it’s 2am and Sora’s heard the entire story of his family’s divorce. At some point they made a blanket fort on the floor and that’s where they fall asleep. The moment is lost to the night. They tell no one- it’s a shared secret.

Koushiro: You’re watching The Office. Michael does something wild. The camera pans to Jim. Jim is already staring at you, shaking his head in tepid disbelief. That’s it. That’s the friendship.

There is an unspoken appreciation between Sora & Koushiro. When the group starts throwing around unrealistic ideas, Sora’s voice always rings through to bring them back to reason. Koushiro can go on with his explanation for another few minutes. He doesn’t think to ever thank her until a day she isn’t there. 

Sora & Koushiro are closed off but in very different ways. Koushiro doesn’t think to reflect on his current state of well-being until Sora asks him about it and in a way, reminds him that he’s human. Sora appreciates that Koushiro doesn’t pry. He’ll call a liar out if it’s affecting their mission, but hey, Sora wandered off to look for firewood three hours ago and hasn’t returned yet? Taichi or Yamato can go after her, but Koushiro doesn’t recommend it. She’ll be okay with time. Time doesn’t always matter, much like it took Koushiro no time to be comfortable in Sora’s presence. It happened so naturally that he doesn’t even notice how different he treats her. Forming a coherent sentence speaking to most women? No thanks. Tumbling into a theory about the big bang, black holes, and creationism in the digital world? Well hey, Sora! Here’s an explanation you never asked for, I appreciate you nodding through the whole thing even though you have no idea what I’m saying. 

Many people might not be at ease around Koushiro, especially when he’s focused on something, but Sora actually finds it relaxing. Nothing about their friendship is performative. There’s no bracing, no anticipating, and no drab attempts at hiding feelings. ]

[janethepegasus]

BMC Miraculous Ladybug AU RP Thing: Purge Akuma

An RP me and @pika-ace did relating to the BMC Miraculous Ladybug AU, where an Akuma brings The Purge to life.

(The Akuma flies above the city, he smirks and casts a spell upon the city) Akuma: Time for the real life Purge to begin! >:) (A couple of seconds later, everyone jolts up from their beds, hearing the sound of a loud siren)

Jeremy: God, why are all akuma’s like this?!?

(Suddenly, an announcement echoed throughout the city, talking about something called "The Purge")

Michael: Wait...no...NO we are NOT in that god awful movie!!

(As soon as the word "Purge" was heard by Jane, she immediately bolted out of her room and started dragging every precious thing she can think of into her room. Joe

walks out of his room and sees Jane dragging the shelf that once contained the Miraculouses)

Joe: ...I’m assuming you know what this purge means?

Jane: YES I FUCKING DO! It's when every crime in the nation becomes legal MEANING that during the Purge, it's A OK to break into someone's house! So i'm NOT gonna let

ANY Miraculous related thing you own get stolen by some freak!!

Joe: O_O

Jane: So yeah, gotta put every single precious thing in the house in my room!

(Joe nods and pulls out his phone for a group text, telling everyone to meet up and to be extra careful)

Eric: *text* Alright, meet you there!

(Joe nods and closes the text and looks up to see Jane running back to her room but carrying Kirsty) Joe: How did you...? Jane: ADRENALINE. Kirsty: Janey, I know my parents are out of town but you didn’t have to break me out of my own house... Jane: I DONT CARE! EVERYTHING PRECIOUS STAYS CLOSE TO ME

(Jane puts Kirsty in her room and runs out only to get Mittie)

(She then sits in her pile of stashed objects, holding Kirsty and Mittie close) Joe: ...Alright then I’ll...be back soon...

Jane: Wait Dad, stay! I know you're a Miraculous Holder but i don't want to loose you in whatever hellstorm is gonna brew up out there! D:

Joe: Jane, an akuma is causing this, and I’m not letting my children fight this without me!

Jane: I've SEEN clips and trailers for the Purge movies! I learned the basics of how this goes! Even if an Akuma is doing this, i don't want you getting killed by some

maniac! *she lets go of Mittie and Kirsty, then she holds onto Joe's arm* You're just as precious to me as everything and everyone else i care about!

Joe: Jane...what kind of father would I be if I hid while the rest of my children risk their lives out there? I have to do this to protect them, and you.

Jane: *looks at Joe for a few seconds and squeezes Joe's hand* If you're gonna do this...just please...PLEASE...be careful...i...i don't know...what i'll do...if i

loose you, Dad... *starts tearing up*

Joe: I will, darling. You be brave and stay safe, and keep these two out of trouble. *winks at Kirsty and Mittie*

Kirsty: We’ll be okay! (Joe gives a little kiss on Jane’s forehead) Jane: Please be okay, Dad...

Joe: I will... (He transforms and flies off)

(Jane holds onto Kirsty and Mittie, as Owl leaves the house)

(Owl flies to a roof where the other holders are waiting)

Leo: There you are Owl Dad!

Owl: Did everyone arrive safely?

Hound: Yep!

Owl: Good; hopefully this won’t be like Party Maniac Where we get separated and captured. Tiger: Knock on wood. Owl: So we have to find the akuma

Timber: Yeah, and once we do, we beat the crap out of him! Like we usually do.

Coral: I still can’t believe we’re living this stupid movie...

Owl: How is this "stupid"? From what i heard from Jane, it actually sounds terrifying having a day where every crime in the nation be legal.

Leo: Yeah, but they never explain WHY or HOW it works and causes World Peace! Pacific: I hear the other movies are better since it’s really just a ploy from the government to kill off all the poor people

Owl: O_O Well, i have to disagree with the fact this “Purge” causes World Peace. Peace cannot be achieved through death and destruction, and using it to eliminate the

poor is just sick and wr- Cyber: Can we talk about those films AFTER we deal with the Akuma?!

Atlantic: PLEASE

Owl: Fine...

(They start looking for the akuma)

(As they search for the Akuma, they look and see that a couple of people have taken advantage of the Purge, such as people breaking into stores and stealing whatever

they want)

Swan: It looks like no ones stooped to murdering yet

Timber: Yeah... (Suddenly, Timber’s ears perked up, hearing the sound of a dog crying)

Timber: Oh HELL no...! (He immediately jumps away from the group towards the noise) Cyber: Jordan?!

(Timber follows the noise until he sees a man cornering a dog, shaking and crying in fear) (The man raises a gun near the dog with a wicked grin on his face)

Man: No more howling at 2am for you! Finally I can get some sleep!

(Timber glares at the man and leaps down towards the dog)

(He knocks the gun away just as it fires, making it fire into the air) Timber: Hey now, what kind of prick goes around shooting innocent dogs for fun? >:(

Man: The ones who want some FUCKING sleep! >:(

Timber: It’s a STRAY! It doesn’t know any better!

Man: Who cares?! It’s been keeping me awake every single night! About time I shut that little fucker’s face for good! >:(

Timber: Okay then... (He sucker punches the man and knocks him out)

Timber: That’ll teach ya! >:( (He looks at the stray dog, who’s tail was wagging at Timber)

Timber: Okay, buddy, head back to where ya came from and stay outta trouble, okay?

(The dog barks and walks away)

(Timber smiles as the dog walks away, then he jumps up and runs to reunite with the group)

Cyber: Jordan! What on earth was that about, you scared me to death!

Timber: I saved a stray from a psycho, that’s what I did.

Hound: Awwwww dad!! Looking out for my army :Dc

Timber: Yep! No dog’s gonna get killed tonight or ever! >:(

Atlantic: There are some real scumbags out there...

Leo: Yeah...

(They keep looking)

(After a few minutes, they hear a car explosion followed by gunshots)

Frill: Okay, NOW it sounds like we’re in a Purge movie!

(They look and see two large groups of people having an all out war with each other)

Timber: *listens to the yelling* Oh... -_- (The other strong listeners listen in too) Hound: Well... Tiger: I’m not THAT shocked...

(The non-strong listeners look at them with a confused look) Cyber: What? What are they yelling about?!

Scarlet: Sports!

Cyber: ...They're having an all out war...over sports? -_-

Pacific: Oh...that makes sense...sports fans are bloodthirsty...

Dasher: They pull off all kinds of crazy shit all because their team lost or something... -_-

Timber: And judging by this...this could get ugly...

Leo: Yeah, let's get out of here before things get worse... O_O

(They Head off and keep looking)

(As they keep going, more noises and sounds can be heard, like car crashes, more gunshots, screams, and at one point, every screeched to a halt as they saw a whole

bunch of big fireworks go off)

Jade: Goodness...! O_O

The dude that lighted up the fireworks: YEAH BABY! LIGHT UP THE SKY!! WOOOOO!!!! >:D

Maiden: *shudders remembering Party Maniac* Whew! Bad memories...

Cloudy: Yeah! (In the corner of Dasher’s eye, he sees someone walking out with a bunch of DVDs labeled “Hamilton Bootleg”) Dasher: *GASP* >:O

Timber: *takes his shoulder* Pick your battles Speedy...

Dasher: B-B-But THAT asshole has bootlegs of MY SHOW!! >:(((

Papillion: Bootlegs aren’t THAT bad you know...it lets people see shows that they can’t afford... Hound: Plus it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get tickets to YOUR shows

Dasher: True...but seeing those bootlegs doesn't have the same magic as seeing them live... :(

Natura: Trust me, we know Papillion: If anything, bootlegs make us want to see them live even MORE

Dasher: Wait, really?! O_O

Hound: You think we LIKE watching shows with shitty visuals and audio?! It sucks!! But it’s the best we got so we suck it up

Dasher: *crosses his arms* Even though that kind of stuff is pretty much illegal to make, i...can see why you're all willing to do that... :/

Atlantic: Can we please discuss all these illegal things AFTER shit isn’t blowing up??

Dasher: Oh! Right! Man, we are getting off-topic tonight, aren't we? XD

Leo: Yeah XD (They head off)

(They keep going, hearing and seeing all the things people are doing in the Purge, until they see where the Akuma's "lair" is. The Akuma settled himself in City Hall,

walls painted in blood red paint and a large army of mind controlled soldiers with guns and masks on their faces stand in front of city hall)

Leo: Of course -_-

Tiger: Sooo...do we fight the army of soldiers or do we just simply break in? :/c

Inferno: I think we'd all prefer to break in and get out of this with as little blood as possible XS

Cyber: Yeah, the last thing we need is a little bloodshed *looks at Timber* Especially you, Jordan.

Timber: Then don't put yourself in a position to get hurt. *passive aggressive stares*

Cyber: I won't, hopefully...

Ursa: Maybe you should stop being a human shield for once. Timber: Maybe you should mind your goddamn business. >:(

Ursa: Oh, i'm sorry! Didn't mean to OFFEND the living shield for ONE man who literally has the power to defend himself if he activates it! >:(

Timber: Adrenaline makes you do stupid shit, Matt! And for your information, Silver Claws DOESN'T make me invincible, I'd STILL get stabbed or shot! >:(

Ursa: Even so, your HUSBAND, as Cyber Shock, can defend himself! He can use electricity for whatever he wants! Hell, he could electrocute a foe if he wanted to! With

that kind of power in his hands, he doesn't NEED a living shield defending him! >:(

Hound: To be fair, this usually happens when Cyber has no time to defend himself or shock away the problem...

Ursa: So? Even in those kind of scenarios, you SHOULDN'T be risking your own life just so Eric could live! >:(

Atlantic: GUYS!!! Akuma now, controversial romantic bullshit later!! >:(

Timber: ...Fine *glares at Ursa*

(They sneak above the army and break into the building)

(Once they got into the building, they see a large group of mind controlled soldiers, standing there and ready to fire at them)

Tiger: ...Fuck. Frill: *jumps in front with Coral* IMMUNE SHIELD!! (Everyone ducks behind Coral and Frill as the soldiers open fire, hitting the shield and Coral's shell)

Leo: Jesus Christ!! O_O

Pacific: Thank god for shields!!!

Tiger: Yeah!!

(Eventually the bullets run out)

(The soldiers immediately throw the guns away and pull out knifes, bats, and other weapons)

Dasher: Okay, close combat! Much better! (They fight)

(The soldiers and the Armada fight each other, the Soldiers wanting to deal heavy blows on them. During the fight, while Timber was busy trying to beat up a soldier,

another soldier sneaked attacked Cyber and used a sharp knife to make a deep cut on Cyber's arm)

(Cyber screams and clutches his arm before shocking him)

(Timber hears Cyber's scream)

Timber: Will?! Cyber: I'm okay...!

(They keep fighting for a while, eventually, they manage to beat all the soldiers. However, the whole Armada had bloody cuts, stab wounds, and bruises all over their

bodies, Atlantic and Timber being the only ones to have bloody broken noses)

(They all stand together, breathing heavily)

Owl: Thank the heavens...we all...miraculously...survived...

Hound: Pun...intended...?

Owl: No...it's...a miracle...we lived...through this...brutal brawl...

Tiger: Dude...it's a joke...we're 'Miraculous' holders...and...we did something...MIRACULOUS...

Owl: Oh...forgive me...that fight...really messed with my mind...so i wasn't thinking straight...

Leo: Let's just...get the akuma...

Timber: Yeah...let's...go...

(They make it to the main office)

(They see the Akuma, sitting in the office chair like a throne. He looks at the Armada and smirks widely)

Akuma: You all made it, bravo

Akuma: And look at all of you! I'm surprised you all survived my soldier defense squad! >:)

Tiger: Don't...fuck with us...

Akuma: Well *gets up from the chair* now i'm gonna fuck you all up more! >:)

Atlantic: Great...fuck you...

(The Akuma leaps towards them and they start fighting)

(The holders shakily fight, still exhausted from the soldiers)

(The akuma takes advantage of this by grabbing the chair and throwing it at Cyber, and it hits)

(The chair hits Cyber and he falls down and struggles to get up)

Timber: WILL...!!

(Cyber tries to shock him, but the akuma stomps on his chest and pulls out a knife) Akuma: Say goodbye! (Right when he's about to stab, Timber steps in and blocks it with his claws)

Akuma: What the?!

Timber: You keep away from him!! *pushes the akuma off Cyber*

Akuma: AH! *stumbles as Timber pushes him away*

Cyber: Jordan...

Timber: Will!

(Timber helps him up) Timber: You okay? Cyber: Yeah...and look at that, you saved me in a way that didn’t involve you getting hurt ;)

Timber: Heh, yeah! :)

Timber: But let’s not get our hopes too high while it’s still chaos

Cyber: Yeah...

Akuma: *growls at Timber* So...tough guy, huh? Swooping in to save the damsel?

Timber: Yes, that's what i do if Will's in danger! >:(

Akuma: How touching...

Akuma: Well, if you're willing to save HIM *he quickly grabs Leo and Hound and lifts them up by the neck* Will you save them? >:)

Cyber and Timber: HEY!!

(The Akuma tightens his grip on Leo and Hound, waiting for Cyber and Timber to act)

(Cyber then shoots lightning at the akuma at rapid speed, making him let go of the boys)

Akuma: GAH!

(The boys run to their dads)

Leo and Hound: DAD!

(They push the boys behind them) Timber: Stay behind us, boys.

Hound: Alright...!

(Cyber and Timber glare at the akuma)

(The Akuma glares back at them)

Akuma: Well, what a nice little family we have here

Akuma: Even so, you’re all in a pretty bad shape to do anything! I like to see you all try taking me down! >:)

Timber: Yeah...but at least there's 29 of us...and only one of you...

Dasher: Even if your little army fucked us up, we can still fuck YOU up! >:(

(The fight continues)

(The Holders try the best the can to give it their all against the Akuma, inspite their injuries.)

(The akuma manages to keep up with all of them due to them being tired and slightly injured)

Timber: Come on...!! (They keep fighting)

Akuma: God this is annoying...do you know how hard it is to pick a hostage with this many heroes? >:(

Timber: Wait, what?!

Akuma: I didn't want to do this, but I had to think outside the box if I wanted to keep you down...so I did. >:) (He opens a cabinet, revealing Jane curled up inside, looking a bit ruffled from being taken; she looks up at the holders, but doesn't move or speak) Akuma: Don't worry about that; she knows that if she makes a peep or a move then her little girlfriend's done for. >:)

Owl: JANE!!

(Jane tears up, but doesn't speak as she stares at him)

(Owl glares at the Akuma, anger building up)

Jade: What did you do with Kirsty?! Akuma: The runt? Oh she's somewhere else in this building, but all I have to do is press a button *holds up a remote* And she's done for. (Jane squeezes her eyes shut and hugs her knees in despair)

(Owl fumes with anger upon seeing Jane hugging her knees in despair)

Owl: You're a monster...!

Akuma: Of course i am! I'm an Akuma after all! >:)

(The holders glare at him) Leo: *softly* now what?!

(Cyber looks at Owl, who's shaking in anger)

Cyber: *softly* We need to find Kirsty, or at least get that remote away from him...

Timber: *softly* Yeah...

Karma: *softly* Leave that to me... Camouflage...!

(Karma turns invisible)

(He sneaks around to the akuma, eyes on the remote)

(Once he got close to the Akuma, he snatches the remote out of the Akuma's hands)

Akuma: What the-?! (Owl then storms forwards and punches the akuma’s face, HARD)

(The Akuma gets knocked down to the ground and Owl pins him down by the neck, glaring and growling at the Akuma in rage)

Owl: You have CROSSED THE LINE!!

Owl: No one shall EVER harm MY DAUGHTER AND HER GIRLFRIEND!! >:(((((

Owl: Now where did you put Kirsty?!

Akuma: Erk...i'm not...telling...! >:(

Dasher: I’ll scour the building; gimme ten, fifteen seconds tops >:(

Owl: Do it as fast as you can, Dasher! Dasher: Yes sir! *runs off*

(Ten seconds later, he comes back) Dasher: I found her! Jade: ...And? Dasher: ...And we’re gonna need some special treatment to get her out in one piece...

The Trinity: WHAT?!

Dasher: Yeeeah theres shit involving a guillotine and I think I saw some fireworks and trip wires down there, guy spared no expense...

Owl: *glares at the akuma* ...You were going to ANNIHILATE Kirsty?!?! >:((( *tightens his hold on the akuma*

Akuma: Erk...!! (Leo and Hound get Jane out of the cabinet and comfort her)

(Jane holds onto Leo and Hound tightly, letting out a few sobs)

Hound: It’s okay, we’ll get Kirsty back... (The kids gather around them for extra comfort)

Timber: Alright...how are we gonna get Kirsty out of there in one piece?

Cyber: Dasher, lead us to where she is; Timber, Atlantic, Jade, Scarlet, with me, the rest of you make sure the akuma doesn’t get away...

Ursa: *nods* Alright.

(They follow Dasher and they lead him down to the basement of the building)

(Once they got to the basement, they see Kirsty and everything else around her)

(She’s tied up and her head is under a guillotine; the whole room is packed full of explosives and tons of trip wires are set up that one wrong move would either set

off the explosives or the guillotine)

Scarlet: Oh god, baby sis...!!

Kirsty: *crying* Help....

Jade: D-Don't worry...! We'll get you out Little Sister! Somehow...

Cyber: Oh boy...

Timber: Yeah, we gotta think of some way to get her out of there without triggering anything... :/c

Cyber: Quantum Analysis!

Dasher: Oh! Kinda forgot you could do that! (A visor appears in front of Cyber’s face, observing and analyzing the area)

(He gathers the data) Cyber: Oh boy... Timber: What? Cyber: There’s a solution but...there’s a VERY small window for error... Scarlet: How small? Cyber: Microscopic Atlantic: So...If we mess up ONE little thing- Cyber: Kirsty won’t make it...

Scarlet: Ooooooh... O_O

(Everyone looks uneasily at the set up)

Timber: So if we want Kirsty alive...we gotta do this PERFECTLY. No mess-ups, no mistakes.

Cyber: Yes...okay, I think I got this...this should work...

Timber: So what's the plan, Peach?

(Cyber directs everyone to their proper positions)

Dasher: Alright, let’s do this!

(They execute the plan, and the trinity slowly make their way to Kirsty, but at the very end, right when Jade is seconds from disarming the guillotine...) Tiger: *opens the door* Guys!! You down here! (Everyone jumps and Jade knocks into one of the wires holding up the blade and it breaks, the blade falling towards Kirsty's neck)

Atlantic: OH FUCK!!

(Everyone screams in horror) Scarlet: NOOOOOOOOO!!! (Scarlet leaps up right between Kirsty and the blade and stops it between his hands, milimeters from his own face)

Dasher: Holy shit! O_O

(Cyber just about collapses to his knees from shock) Timber: DAMN kid!! Good reflexes!!

Scarlet: Erk...thanks...!

(Jade quickly jumps down and removes the blade and pulls Kirsty out while Scarlet collapses in relief)

Scarlet: Thank god...!

(Jade unties Kirsty who clings to him tightly)

Jade: You're safe now, little sister...thank god we saved you...

Kirsty: Y-Yeah...

(Kirsty keeps clinging onto Jade tightly)

Cyber: My god...that tiny window for failure shouldn't have been possible to fix...but Scarlet did it...!

Timber: Yeah, holy damn...! O_O

Scarlet: Never again...

Atlantic: Yeah...that was too close...

Dasher: Let's just get out of here, get the akuma and restore the damage before we all die of heart attacks...

Cyber: Y-Yeah...let's go...

(Jade carries Kirsty and they leap over the explosives to the stairs and they all hurry out of the basement)

(They run down the hall and towards the main office)

(They burst into the room, hearts still pounding from what happened) Leo: Whoa, you okay? Cyber: Yes, just...had a very close call...but we're okay... (He steps aside, revealing Jade carrying Kirsty)

Jade: And...she's okay...thank god...

Jane: KIRSTY!!! (She runs up and takes her from Jade)

(Jane hugs Kirsty tightly)

(Jane peppers her with kisses) Jane: Oh my god, Kirsty...!!

Kirsty: Janey...!!

Jane: God I was so scared...

Kirsty: Me too...!

(Owl sighs in relief and yanks the akuma off)

(He crushes the Akuma and a black bird flies out)

(Cyber purifies it) Owl: Time to end this nightmare. Cyber: *nods* Restore the Damage!

(A ring of electricity flies out and restores all the damage)

(Everything is fixed and everyone is returned home) Hound: Oh thank god...

Coral: Let's get out of here, these late night akumas always fuck up by beauty sleep schedule...

Owl: Yes, but... *looks at the injuries that were given to the soldiers earlier* We're all pretty beaten up from those soldiers...

Tiger: Nothing a few bandages can't fix, no need to spend the night in a stiff hospital bed Pacific: Yeah; can everyone still walk in a straight line?

(Everyone raises their hand, however Cyber glares at Pacific, gesturing the deep cut wound on his arm)

Pacific: Okay yeah, but you can still walk with that. Tiger: More like we know your hubby's gonna carry you everywhere >;3

(Before Cyber could say anything, Timber immediately scoops him up and carries him in his arms) Timber: You red my mind! XD

Cyber: God why... Tiger: Dude, you're married and love dovey now, no need to be embarrassed

Timber: Yeah, come on Peach, you know that by now! XD

Owl: *picks up Jane and Kirsty* I'll escort these two home; I imagine Kirsty doesn't want to be alone tonight. (Kirsty frantically shakes her head and keeps clinging to Jane)

Jane: Of course not...

Timber: *to Cyber* Think you can teach me how to make a good arm cast? ;)

Cyber: ...Sure...

Leo: That's probably a good call, if people hurt each other during this, hospitals are gonna be SUPER crowded

Hound: Yeah and no room for us! XS

(They all leave and head back home)

[mmjjbbaannkkss]

2020 March 2-7 Springtime is for Cardio

“Infatuated, half through conceit, half through love of my art, I achieve the impossible working as no one else ever works.” Alexandre Dumas

Make a log/journal, push yourself a little, be intent and focus on recovery, stop making excuses, have patience in all things. When a muscle is pulled/torn, don’t keep stretching it, rest and rehab it with cautious flexing. Identify the pain, take a break, google the possible causes, youtube the factual therapies. 

2 weeks till spring, 4 weeks until summer; opened window, smells better already, need to swap everything out; righto -- snack, ration meal: during 7-7s (FST training week), no snacks, if it’s three rations so be it. Sweating opens pores, need to moisturize, hydrate, but the pattern, the consistency and perseverance, my stomach is getting flatter, and my abs might not pop/buckle by September, but i can start working on volume/frequency if they do decide to show. 

As for the bug, you gotta live, it’s affecting elderly disproportionately, exercise boosts white blood cells and if you’re still super worried, try a pre-workout, something with vinegar, spicy foods, high fiber, something that’ll clear the colon, stomach acids will eat thru metal according to TV shows, worry about your blood. Get clean, get mean, stay keen? 

“Why the New Coronavirus (Mostly) Spares Children”

NEW YORK TIMES (Published Feb. 5, 2020, Updated March 3, 2020)

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/05/health/coronavirus-children.html

Week 5 (all FST)

#25 Heavy Push (FST) neg-focus

Treadmill 10/stretch /stairs/ 5 > Shldr Press *7/10103030505070 > Lat Raise *7/551015*4 > Front/Hoist 7x7/35*3,50*3,65- > Chest press 7x7/70*7 > Chest press *7/90*7 > Dips 7x7/7*6,7s > Pec Deck 7x7/100*7- > Pullover/down 7x7/30*6,40 > Trics 7x7/40*7 > Abs 7x7/5060708090110130- > Treadmill 5, stairs 25, treadmill 5, cooldown 2

½ L; 2 med red potatoes, cottage cheese, c coffee; ½ ch br, C< rice, sriracha, ½ L tea/energy; gym, ½ L, ½ L; fruitbread, ½ L 30g whey; ½ ch br, C rice, sriracha

#26 FST Pull (FST) pos+focus

Treadmill warmup /x Palms-In Pulldown 7x7 100*7 > DB 1-Arm Row 7x7 / 35*2,50*5 > Lat Pulldown 7x7 /LR35*4,50*3 > Shrug 7x7 / 60*7 > Row 7x7 /smith supine 100*7- > Straight Bar Curl 7x7 /203040*5- > Preacher Curl 7x7 LR30*7 > Lock Pulldown 7x7/s20203030404050 > Delt Deck 7x7 55*3,70*3,85-L > DB Hammer 7x7 > Treadmill /x

Supine smith bent over row, isolates best w elbows up-down instead of angle

½ L energy; 3 med red potatoes, cottage cheese, tea; ½ L 30g whey; 4 egg-fried rice, ½ L tea/energy, 6 egg fried rice; 2 irish fruit muffins, ¼ L soymilk; 

/overnight/ excuses bad, but’ll wash those shorts and not wear them again, local inventory’ll have new garb soon enuf, already saw the thick t-shirts for $4; not best hoodie season, but might get peep clearance rack, in case shirt size goes up again. 

#27 FST Legs neg-focus

Treadmill 15 > Hack squat *7/203040*5- > Mule *7/507090110130150170190(1) > Horizon Press 7x7/30305050707090 > Deadlift+Curl 7x7/100*7 > Leg Ext 7x7/LR30*3,50*4- > Heel Raise 7x7/ 505070709090110 > Leg Curl 7x7/505070709090110- > Side Bends 7x7/x > Rope Crunch 7x7/70708585100100115115- > Rope chair 7x7/3550658095110125140 > Treadmill 15

¼ L soymilk (sans legumes experiment begins); ½ L b/taur; 2 oranges, 1 ½ C cottage cheese, ½ L tea/creatine/aminos/b/taurine; gym, ½ L, ½ L; C rice, 6 eggs; 3 muffins, C milk;

These headphones are so muddy it's like an amp where the horn is blown out there's no highs. high protein lunch, sweating to def, cell data cuts out, pull firewall, run major app updates? Wow, should got the treadmill and run in you ffs…. 

Went in a bad mood, sat in sunlight for 30 minutes, great long session until, breaking a sweat, listening to some northern voice, and they cut my cell data for some reason...went in thinking i’d use one machine over and over, hellish leg day style, left with schizophrenia, which is funny because I had thought i already had a schizophrenia...

https://youtu.be/WY22ed9aKUY ?

#28 FST Push  pos+focus

Treadmill 5 > Shldr Press 7x7/10103030505070 > Cable lat 7x7/5510 > Hoist  7x7/10152025303550- > Incl BB Bench 7x7/70*7 > Chest press 7x7/(2)1030507090110130 > Crossover 7x7/15152020252530- > Pec Deck 7x7/100*7,100bracearms*7 > Lock Pulldown 7x7/202030 > Triceps 7x7/3030454550*3 > Twist 7x7/507090*3,110*2 > Treadmill /15

Don't have an excuse for yesterday, sorry to say, but I'll tell you a clue. It was leg day, there's a baking factory a mile from here, and many hotties working out, sometimes it smells like cookies and you're hungry. 

Shoulder press better, cable lat needs therapy having to lean forward sometimes have to develop middle delt/support, hoist not hitting pecs ideally and need to see what best pec recruitment is then do only that all day, smith press could be better with delt work, chest press was good but not expansive pump but had warmups and did double in prep for 4-days-till-monday, crossover felt more shoulder driven than chest and may have to switch it for dips be that the case, pec deck double sets for chest focus might’ve been good, lock pulldown more of delt progression, triceps had massive recruitment and don’t hurt today as if well rested and good connection, calfs are solid, quads are rekt; treadmill anyway, stepping down 1ft was awkward; good session

Not going to gym without carbs ever again, as common as being sick in public is, or attenuated i am to low-carb CNS stress, i don’t want to bite anyone’s head off; legs didn’t stop inflammation and start being swole/stiff until like 2am

½ C onions, 1 ½ C rice, 6 eggs, black pepper, hawaiian salt, ½ L 30g whey; C chicken livers, ¼ cup onions, 1tbsp minced garlic, 2 toast; 

#29 FST Pull  neg-focus

Treadmill 15 slow > Lat Pulldown *7/30305050507070-L > Low Row *7/100*6,110~ > Wide High Row *7/35355050656565- > N pulldown *7/100*3,120*3,140 > Delt Deck *7/2025303535353550-L > Shrug *7/100*4,150*3~ > EZ curl *7/20304050/606060- > Cable Curl 1-Arm *7/20202525303035- > Preacher *7/30*3,45*3,60 > Twist *7/x whoops > Treadmill /15

Treadmill not 2.2mph, lat pulldown LR needs work on left rear delt and stretching right shoulder range upward; low row is 45deg cable 100lbs, plus 5lb stacks, trying to’ve done them slow, will have to go slower, b/w shoulders good deep reps maybe, will end up doing world’s slowest reps until lower back thickens for smith rows, (back) stabilizers training; high row was best form and seemed light, a little burn on rear delts or tric/forearm needs volume-training high rows, will adjust program maybe, something to consider; neutral pulldown, better deeper but then no stamina, might have to try wide grip pullups to target back-center; shrug are better, might try a wide-neutral bar cable shrug instead of the smith mchn, for variety; ez-curl good, until having needing to kneel for the lowest racked bar 60lbs b/c my quads were toast yesterday and tender today, educational tho, how keeping shoulders/back upright how much quads work/don’t; cable curl pulley front palm toward chest, gonna research best concentric curl; preacher curls full pump sleep to swole, if only every rep could boast such gains; forgot twist quads starting to force pimp walk; treadmill cooldown revealing left oblique not as extended/strong, at all; 

Legs stiff after rest not sore is good; 

½ L aminos/pwo-lite; c rice, ½ ch br; onion fried rice, C ch livers, ½ L 30g whey; gym ½ L, ½ L; C rice, ½ ch br; ½ L 30g whey; ch patty, 2 bread, cheese, mayo; ch patty, 2 bread, cheese, mayo again, w/ ½ L 30g whey; 

#30 FST Legs  Walk 5 > Mule *7/50*3,70*3,90- > Smith Sides *7/60*7 > Horiz 1-leg "7/10*7 > Horiz press *7/30*3,50*3,70- > Leg Ext *7/10*3,30*3,50- > Leg Curl *7/30,50*7 > Heel Raise *7/LR30305050707090-L > Rope chair *7/304560758095,105 > Lock triceps push *7/90*7 > Twist *7/3030505071507090 > Treadmill 5, stairmill 25, treadmill 5, cool down 2, 

L calf needs knot, need left obliques to take more of a support function, working on stretching, gym late; need to focus on repetitions of abs and pecs; ghost town; headphones shorted one ear; remember to check Walmart wicking shirt 2XT online; 

C+ ch livers, ¼ c onions,olive oil, C+ rice; gym, 12fl oz 6st explosion, ½ L pwo-lite, ½ L pwo-lite; home, c rice, 4 eggs, ½ L 30g whey; Sunday: ½ L 30g whey, c rice, ¼ lb beef, sweethot brown mustard paste, sriracha; sandwich; ½ L, sandwich;

[snkret-photography]

It's Not The Same

I’ve always been a firm believer that to accomplish your goals and dreams, you have to be willing to prove that you want it. You have to prove your dedication to your desires through hard work, sacrifice and tenacity. That when it sucked, that was the breakthrough. That when you wanted to quit, it was right on the other side, just 5 more minutes and then it was here. And for pretty much all of college, I ran myself thin on the “5 more minute” module. Just gotta keep going long enough to see results and then I can breathe and get ready for the next wave. I always think back to how I was freshman year:

Wake up between 4:30-5:45am

Do some light stretches and go wash up

Go for a 25-45 minute run

Drink protein shake and watch the sun rise

Shower and get ready for my day

Class with a break in between to grab some food

Work where I typically went to grab some food

2nd workout of P90x or yoga or T25 (whichever I was doing at the time)

Go drinking

Crash around 2am

Do over

If I tried to do that routine now, I would kill over and die not to mention just the idea of being productive the day after drinking and oh Lord, FUCK SEEING THE SUN IN THE MORNING. I want to see the pitch black of my eyelids and the darkness of my room to lull me back to sleep when I’ve been interrupted. And I mean I’ve tried implementing different portions of this back into my life, namely the waking up before 5:00am to get myself together and then head to the gym when it opens at 5:00am. This has proved a more futile effort in recent history than I have known it to be throughout the course of my entire fitness journey. And as I spent countless 7:00am, second-snoozed alarm clocks dragging myself for being up later than I originally planned to be, I had to take the moments to ask an important question: why is it so hard for you to get up when you used to do it so easily? But to answer that question, I had to also figure out what was the goal of repeating things I’ve done. Sure, it’s great to be able to survive on 2 hours of sleep and have this kick-ass day where I accomplished everything and felt well-rounded. But that’s not my life anymore. Shit, that wasn’t my life after freshman year. As a matter of fact, if we deep dive into that list, we can cross a few things off where I just don’t do these things or at least not in the same capacity:

I prefer yoga to either begin my day or end it

I avoid protein shakes and most synthetic food group; my whole diet has changed and I only really eat once a day

Exercise programs annoy the fuck out of me

I’m not in school anymore

My friends can’t hangout with me at work and my work day is now about 11 hours total on a good day

I barely drink

My body hates the idea of me drinking

My body sends me out of commission when I drink; it’s not happening on a weeknight without adequate planning

So when looking at the two lists and realizing that all I wanted out of my freshman year life was the ability to wake up and exercise without feeling like I’m betraying my bed to go lift a bunch of metal or fuck up my knees, I had to figure out why I couldn’t enter that same frame of mind now. This one took a while and it wasn’t really until I was having a conversation about the people I’m surrounded by in which the factors of why I’m acting contrary to my desires made more sense. (Allow me to digress for a bit to bring in the educational segment of my ramblings.) The idea of behavioral or social contagion defined as the social transmission, by contact, of sociocultural artefacts or states. More readily, the idea in which we as individuals are subjective to the energies of those around us both from a physical and psychological perspective. Broken down a little further and to something we can all recollect from psychology class and the basis in which I’m using this argument from: groupthink theory. While both theories are completely independent of one another, there is a due overlap in which to draw upon. The idea of influence (promise I’m going to resist my rant on social media, namely because it’s too easy) in both of these situations of people being affected by the people around them was one I associated with Darwinism and the dominating personality of others. That strong leaders and personalities could warp those of lesser minds and by staying the course of example in which they set, they dictated the way in which the group thought and the manners in which those around them responded. Not completely off basis but not necessarily right. And the turning point in the conversation and subsequently my frame of thinking about this, was the idea of how leaders speak and some of the more profound advice in which leaders tend to give. Almost always, they speak of their influences and their models but most importantly, of their circle. They talk about how being surrounded by specific types of people allows them to operate in the manner in which they do and that deviations from that are either removed from their lives or have brought them down at some point. So then it clicked:

I am surrounded by the types of people who are contrary to my desires.

And this is not a blanket judgement or an assessment of quality of other people. I have actually done deep discussion with most people who make up the large basis of my day-to-day surroundings and none of the ways in which they think are aligned with the ways in which I typically think. Back in MD, a lot of us shared the same goals of going to college, getting these degrees and either giving back or doing some major town shit. That was my mentality entering freshman year and a lot of the friends in which I picked up were closer to graduating and tended to be of similar mindsets since they were in that transition phase to the “real-world”. Fast forward to today and most of those friends weren’t even from here (here being New York as a populous and Staten Island as a specific). So I’m not around these people and for one reason or another, the communication isn’t as consistent as it could be. But then transitioning to the turning point of looking to the outside and understanding how those people thought was very uninspiring. So much so I was overtaken with a frisson of fear after assessing the collection. From an immediate setting of daily encounters, there was a strong lack of ambition. Just people who were fine with how things went, one way or another, low drive to struggle or achieve, low functionality in desire to accomplish things daily and on a grand scale, and oddly enough, high levels of anxiety when faced with things I would other wise consider simplistic and pragmatic. On the work end, everyone was miserable and depressed. Like that just sums it up right there. In one group, you have the people who are gaining tenure on the offset that it will lead to something better and provide them with the life that they think will make them happy yet have subjugated themselves to a dreary existence in the interim off of pure hope of the unknown and the accounts of others. On the other end are the people who go through the cycle of feeling unfulfilled and run down yet have enough small segments of peace along with ignorance of other options that they go into a system of rationalization to support their complacency with the idea that they could want more or better but what they have is good enough.

So three principles at work here: complacency, lack of motivation/ambition, misery. And while misery loves company, I always thought the other were individual drives. But have you ever had someone start to validate their assessment of your worth to you? Have you believed them? Has that molded the way in which you both actually value yourself and communicate that value to others? In the realm of social contagion, being in a like environment as others who hold a valuation of themselves AND comfort in that valuation can influence one to take up similar valuations. If you’re in a room full of people who hate their job yet aren’t looking for opportunities to rectify that, what is going to incline you to like your job and pursue other endeavors? It’s good enough for everyone else, should be good enough for you, right? If the person next you has less than you and is just as complacent, what’s to say that you really need more? When you think you deserve a raise at work and your boss asks you why, is your first thought the list of shit that equates to a hire monetary value, your knowledge of how others in equal or lesser positions are paid in relevance to you, or do you sit and ask yourself why do you deserve a raise? Anything outside of the first option has more to do with your valuation of yourself based around the valuation of those in your surroundings and it’s projection on you rather than any intrinsic value you may hold about yourself. But more often than not, the latter perspectives are the ones most heavily invoked in a conversation of output to compensation. The matters of what is everyone else doing and how are they relevant to me. Now I’m not knocking the concepts of competition and relativity nor the boundaries of fairness and comparative landscapes. As a matter of fact, as you’re reading this, I can assume you’re thinking I’m going to take this in one of two directions: (1) that people need to focus on themselves and their values in order to operate at whatever level they think is best regardless of those around them or (2) that people should curate their surroundings and the people in them to more closely align with what they desire.

Both of those are great arguments and may someday make great posts. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. If you jump back a couple of paragraphs, I started this on the basis of me not being able to get up at 4:00am and go to the gym to have this otherworldly productive day. Bled in the concept of social contagion to discuss the matters in which the mindset and habits of those around you can greatly influence your own. Bred that into a look at value placed from an internal place and an external valuation. But all in all, and specifically the way in which I wrote this post, these subject serve as standalone pieces and are only hints of conversations surrounding my little epiphany.

I had nothing to look forward to in the day and was working towards nothing in life.

Really. It was the same rut in and out. Wake up, go to a job I hated and everyone around me shared the sentiment, come home after hours to an apartment not in the state I want yet resisting the urge to spend what little of my evening I have to fix it because it’ll just be ruined by the next evening, shower, make dinner, watch something or do a creative project, clean up, go to bed. That was Monday-Friday without fail, without change, without pause. The 4:00am alarm goes off, I turn it off, rolled over and waited for the 6:15am alarm to sound at which point I toss and turn until the last possible moment I need to shower and be out of the house in time to be on time for work. The constant thought of “ugh I don’t want to go in today” just constantly ringing in my head until the thought of “well we have to now” took over. Never mind that 5:00am is when the gym opens and to be on schedule, have to be back by 6:30am at the latest. The highlight of my day was either when I knew it was slow enough that I could work on some screenplays or (and more commonly) that I would get to go home, eat, watch rich people make a fool of themselves (thank you Mona Scott & Andy Cohen) and then lay in my bed. I looked forward to ending my day before it started.The only goal on my mind was figuring shit out and surviving. None of the things that brought me joy were taking place. I wasn’t collaborating on projects and getting to watch someone become more comfortable with themselves in front of a camera. I wasn’t executing any of the visions or projects in my head for people to consume. I wasn’t having dialogue about life outside of myself or others in a manner that took a world view and invoked a philosophical debate. There wasn’t conversations surrounding budgeting or financials or the economic landscape of America nor the fact that Notre Dame Cathedral goes up in flame and in less than 24 hours, it has millions of dollars pledged to fix it yet Flint ain’t got water and college is still highway robbery. There was no fulfillment and because life was good enough for everyone around me, who was I to go against the current. Well, if you know me well, you’d know I’d very much be me.

It really sunk in upon that conversation. The idea that I could easily be susceptible to my surroundings and the emotions of others. How I could become remolded to fit in with my surroundings instead of making a new landscape or obstructing the one already present. I thought that took copious hours and dedication to work under the worst circumstances. I thought that required having a vision and sticking to it no matter the obstacle. In some realm, that still holds true but, given more recent experiences, I’d argue it requires rest. Sure you can run yourself thin on 2 hours of sleep a night, grinding and working towards some ultimate purpose but then you get there and you’re tired. It’s not as enjoyable and if you’re anything like myself, you’re just going to want something else, something more, something bigger. It’s not even the greed of the matter. It’s simply that once you accomplished something your heart once desired, you have come upon new things in which you desire and are proven that you can attain. Think more so like this, at your current age, at this current juncture in your life, do you desire the same things you did 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago, or 5 years ago? Usually at each bridge, the overall goal may be the same but you might adjust your approach or the timeline or add intermediate goals or more long-term goals. There is usually a shift somewhere. And that doesn’t come from being tenacious and wearing yourself out, it comes from rest and reflection. If you’re squatting in the gym and have an injury, the next time you’re squatting you might still have the goal of getting up to 300lbs but you might take the step back and start working higher reps over weight or giving more attention to your form. When you have relationship goals, you might go into it saying I want to be married with kids by 27 and you’re knocking on 26 but if the guy or girl you were planning on having those goals with stops being the person that you want to share that experience with, you might adjust your timeline to recognize the importance in quality of person you’re going to share marriage and kids with rather than the acts of being married with kids. In work, you might have a certain title that you want to reach with a specified compensation level but sometimes your dream jobs aren’t as perfect on the inside or to get to the title you have to take a step back in compensation and work up to it. A lot of the times, the question isn’t “how do I get over this” but rather “how do I get through this?” And the latter question only carries the nuance of being bother reactionary and proactive rather than just reactionary. It is taking the time to ride out the currents with adjustments to reach the ultimate goal. In all of the examples I gave, there is a goal with some type of self-imposed deadline which offers the great perk of being self-adjustable. A lot of times people talk of their goals and desires but don’t flesh out the finer details of how to get there and what could go wrong and in the event that it does, what are the options and most appropriate reactions. People just set goals, make a plan and execute hoping that everything just stays in line. Think about when people are cutting weight and they hit a stall, no one plans for a stall when they’re cutting their calories and already starving. Yet, the usual response is cut more or stay the course and let your body do it’s thing. I personally prefer to just go back up to maintenance for a weekend and then I tend to be good. However, different strokes for different folks and in that, everything doesn’t work for everyone so sometimes you have to be experimental to find what works best for you and your situation. You have to adjust to the circumstances and revamp the plan realizing that you might not make weight by a specified date or you’re not going to be married by 27 or 300lbs isn’t being squatted this month or that the job you wanted may not be everything you wanted.

We all are constantly growing, accomplishing goals and reevaluating what we want but sometimes we have to be careful not to burn ourselves out for the grind. The grind should have some level of enjoyment and when it doesn’t, you need to reevaluate if you’re grinding towards the right thing. Take that time. Keep a purpose. Realize that comparisons are for metrics, you can compare yourself to others or compare yourself to previous iterations but it’s not the same, the stories are made up of different details.