#and i am so fucking scared for what will happen next
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Hi!! I was hoping I could request a fic where the reader is clumsy as fuck.
And when Bucky and reader go on their first date, he notices bruises scattered over the reader and gets worried that someone in their life is hurting them. Which reader insist, "no I'm safe I'm just clumsy as shit" which he's heard too many times before so he remains unsure.
BUT as the dates go on, he begins to realise just how honest they were being. Hes constantly having to stop the reader from walking into poles and tables, he's catching things before they can hit the ground (including the reader), and when they come home he kisses all their bruises or marks.
And when they finally are becoming more intimate, he's scared of bruising/ hurting the reader and they have to convince him that they aren't made of glass and to just go for it.
Not Made Of Glass » Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier
Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader
Summary: Bucky gets worried when sees bruises on you and you assure him that you’re just clumsy.
Warnings: Fluff, tiny bit of implied Smut (18+), language, clumsy!reader, bruises (not abuse), kissing, pet names
A/N: Thank you for the request, nonnie🩵
Written on my phone. My apologies for any mistakes.
Header made by @buck-star
GIF IS NOT MINE! Gif credit goes to the creator.
MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!🔞
You and Bucky are on yours and his first date. As you were telling him about yourself, Bucky couldn’t help but notice that you have a couple bruises on your arm and one on your shoulder. It worried him. He’s starting to think that someone gave you those bruises.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you.” Bucky apologizes politely. “How did you get those bruises?” He asks curiously.
“Oh, those? My friend’s son was trying to teach me how to skateboard, but I ended up falling and that’s how I got these.” You explained.
The thought of someone abusing you lingered in his mind.
“Are you sure?” He asks.
“Of course I am.” You replied.
“Is someone hurting you, doll?” He asks, keeping his voice low so no one heard him.
“No, I’m safe. I’m just clumsy as shit.” You say with an assuring smile.
Bucky smiles back. He still couldn’t help but let that suspicion linger around in his mind. He’s heard that one too many times.
“The only reason why I asked is because I want to make sure you’re safe.” He says softly.
“You’re sweet to care and worry, Bucky.” You smiled. “Those are my two favorite qualities I like in a man.” You say, sipping your drink.
“If someone is hurting you, I’d make sure that won’t happen ever again.” He says.
You knew what he meant when he said that. You also know he said it to protect you. That’s another quality you like in a man. You and Bucky are going to get along just fine.
You invited Bucky out for coffee the following morning. You walked in the coffee shop, smiling when you saw Bucky. You were so happy to see Bucky again that you didn’t notice the chair next to you and you ran into it. Bucky looked up from the newspaper he was reading to see you moving a chair out of your way.
“Are you ok?” Bucky asks.
“Yes. I just didn’t see the chair.” You say with a small giggle.
You gave Bucky a kiss on his cheek before ordering coffee and sat down at the table across from him. You crossed your leg over the other. Bucky found another bruise, but this time, on your shin. It’s a little bit bigger compared to the ones on your arm and shoulder.
“What happened to your leg?” Bucky asks, pointing at the bruise on your shin.
“I walked into a tow hitch on a pickup truck a couple days ago.” You tell him honestly.
The suspicion of something abusing you is still on his mind, but he also believes your honesty. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious and suspicious of something, right?
A few days later, Bucky asked you out on another date. He went over to your house to pick you up. You invited him inside while you finished up getting ready. Bucky looked around your house, admiring the pictures and decorations.
“I’m ready!” You announced with a smile.
Bucky smiles, admiring your beauty and outfit. He winces to himself as you walked into the doorframe, hitting your arm on it as you were walking out of your bedroom.
That looked like it hurt.” Bucky says.
“Only a little bit, but I’m ok.” You say.
“May I?” He asks softly.
You nodded. Bucky gently lifted your arm up to his lips, kissing the red mark that will soon be a bruise on the side of your arm. You couldn’t help but blush when he did that.
“You’re really sweet, you know that?” You say with a smile.
“I care about you is all, doll.” He says softly.
“I care about you too, Bucky.” You say in almost a whisper.
Bucky gently caressed your cheek and kissed you softly and sweetly. You put your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself. You’ve never been this mind blown by a kiss in your life.
“Woah…” You say, completely speechless when he pulled away.
Bucky smiles at the speechless expression on your face.
“You ready to go?” He asks softly.
“More than ready.” You answered with a smile.
When you and Bucky got to the restaurant, he’s starting to realize that you’re right about being a clumsy person. You almost walked into a table and he gently moved you away from it so you didn’t give yourself another bruise.
“Careful, doll.” Bucky whispers.
“I am being careful.” You say softly, kissing his cheek.
Over the next few weeks, you and Bucky went on dates every weekend. In those weeks, Bucky has been moving you away from things like tables or poles before you walked into them so you didn’t hurt yourself. Today, Bucky tagged along with you while you ran errands. Bucky swore he ages 10 years every time you run into something or almost run into something.
“Wanna get coffee?” You asked, pointing at the coffee shop across the street.
“Sure.” Bucky answers.
You and Bucky looked both ways before crossing the street. When you guys got to the other side of the street, you tripped over the curb and Bucky caught you before you fell.
“Are you ok, doll?” He asks softly.
“I am now.” You smiled up at him.
You guys went inside of the coffee shop. You somehow tripped over your own feet. Bucky grabbed your arm before you fell.
“I think it’s time to go home.” He says.
“But I want coffee.” You pouted.
You pouting is one of Bucky’s many weaknesses. He can’t say no to you when you pout.
“Ok, fine.” He gives in.
You squeaked softly and kissed his cheek. To keep you from running into anything, Bucky put his hands on your waist and guided you to the counter to order coffee. You two got coffee and then went home.
“You know what to do, doll.” Bucky says.
Bucky now kisses every bruise you get. You took your -Bucky’s- sweatshirt off and rolled your pant legs up, revealing the few bruises you got over the past couple days. You smiled as you watched him kiss each bruise on your arms softly. You then sat down on the couch and he crouched down in front of you and kissed the couple bruises you have on your legs and one on your knee.
“I love how much you care about me.” You say softly, running your fingers through his hair.
“It’s part of my job as your boyfriend to care about you, doll.” Bucky says, sitting down next to you on the couch.
“You want to be my boyfriend?” You asked.
“Only if you want to be my girlfriend.” He says.
“I want nothing more than to be your girlfriend, Bucky.” You say with a smile.
Bucky smiles and kisses you. The kiss got heated quickly. You two fell back against the couch. He put his weight on his forearms so he didn’t crush you. You wrapped your legs around his waist to pull him closer to you.
“You know, I don’t mind if you lay on top of me.” You say.
“I know. I just don’t want to hurt you in any way.” He says.
“You can never hurt me, baby.” You almost whispered, running your fingers through his hair.
“I just want to be cautious.” He says.
“I’m not made of glass, you know.” You say.
“I know.” He mumbles softly. “I love you so much and don’t like seeing you get hurt.” He says.
“I love you too.” You pecked his lips softly. “I won’t mind if you’re a little bit rough with me in the bedroom.” You say seductively.
Bucky leans his forehead against your shoulder and groans softly, dirty thought flowing into his mind.
“There’s safe words for a reason, baby.” You whispered in his ear.
A shiver went down his spine when you kissed just below his ear, a soft moan leaving his lips.
“Fuck…” Bucky moans softly.
Bucky stood up and picked you up, carrying you to the bedroom. An excited squeal left your lips. He gently laid you down on the bed and got on top of you.
“You’ll use a safe word if I’m too rough on you?” He asks just to be sure, rubbing the tops of your thighs.
“Yes.” You answered with a smile.
“You’re in for a long night, babydoll.” He almost whispers.
“Bring it on, baby.” You say softly, bitting your bottom lip.
🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
-Bucky’s Doll
#sergeant james buchanan barnes#sergeant james barnes#sergeant barnes#james buchanan bucky barnes#james buchanan barnes#james bucky barnes#james barnes#bucky barnes#winter soldier#sebastian stan#sebby stan#seb stan#sebastian stan characters#avengers#marvel#mcu#bucky barnes x female reader#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes smut#bucky barnes one shot#bucky barnes imagine
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distracted
bad students must face the consequences of their behaviour. it doesn’t matter who your boyfriend is.
words: 2.9k
part of my february festival event
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warnings: dom!professors matz x sub!student reader, teacher-student relationship (hongjoong x you), power dynamics, threesome, punishment, spanking with ruler, very light anal play, face fucking, double penetration (mouth & pussy), under-negotiated kink, unprotected sex, sir kink, degradation, light dumbification etc
i am not responsible for the content you consume.
“What is this?”
He waves the sheet in front of your face indignantly and you recognise it instantly as the test you’d taken last week; the red D scrawled in the top corner gives you away and you huff. “How did you even—”
“Seonghwa,” he says, cutting you off. You’d roll your eyes if you thought you’d get away with it right now.
You knew it was a bad idea, really, dating Hongjoong; he may not have been your professor, but he is a professor, so you should’ve figured he’d be in cahoots with your teachers. It’s not like discretion was a massive concern, anyway; your relationship is an open secret among the staff. It’s technically not allowed, but you’re a grad student, an independent adult and your parents donate enough money to the school that neither of you would be in too much trouble if anyone did find out anyway. So you suppose you shouldn’t be surprised that, when you turned in a piss-poor exam, Seonghwa had run off tattling to your boyfriend. Dickhead.
“I was just having a bad day,” you say. “I studied, really. I don't know what happened.”
Neither of you believe that, but you push your lips into a pout and do your best to look contrite—to play the sweet, innocent girl your boyfriend loves to ruin.
“Joong…” You try to sound scared but you both know you’re not; there’s nothing he could do to you that you wouldn’t enjoy, after all. You’re just as sick as each other.
Hongjoong chuckles, clicking his tongue. He looks thoughtful for a moment, like he’s pretending to be conflicted over whether to punish you or not, but he’s not very good at hiding his excitement. The regretful sigh he lets out when he makes his decision is laughably disingenuous. “Bad girl,” he says, shaking his head. “You know I can’t let you get away with this, sweetheart.”
You open your mouth to respond but he doesn’t give you time; he shoves you down harshly, bending you over his desk so your ass is sticking up in the air. It’s a familiar position that you’ve found yourself in time and time again since you met him and you body prepares itself automatically; expecting him to spank you, you stick your ass up higher and wait with bated breath for the first blow. It doesn’t come. You crane your head around, confused. “Joong, what—” Oh.
You don’t need to finish the question; standing behind you, next to Hongjoong, is the very man who’d got you in this predicament in the first place— your medieval history professor, Park Seonghwa himself. He tilts his head, smiling sweetly. “Good afternoon.”
Your jaw drops. You hadn’t expected this—when did he even come in, anyway? “Joong—”
“You think we didn’t notice how you look at him?” Your boyfriend asks coolly. It’s only because of the cock in his hand, hard and already leaking, that you’re not worried he’s mad at you; no, he loves this. You should’ve known.
“Is that why you failed?” Seonghwa asks. “Too busy dreaming about me bending you over your desk? You have a boyfriend; an esteemed colleague of mine, in fact.” His tone is chiding and you feel yourself flush.
Hongjoong snorts almost petulantly. “As if she cares about that.”
“No?” Seonghwa asks. “What does she care about, then?”
“Pull her panties down and find out.”
Your cunt throbs painfully at the surety of the demand and the dark look in Seonghwa’s eyes as he obliges without hesitation. He doesn’t ask permission before he touches you—he already has it from the one who matters, after all—but when he pushes your skirt up your back, his hands still momentarily; you smile into the wood as you realise what they’re both looking at—the white, lacy panties sitting snugly across your pert cheeks.
“Well, isn’t that a sight.” Seonghwa’s voice is hoarse and affected as he rubs a hand across the delicate material. You feel yourself tense under his touch, the unfamiliar feeling of his skin on yours, and he gently pinches the soft flesh. “Relax,” he mumbles. “Be good, yeah? I won’t hurt you, I’ll be gentle.”
A sweet sounding lie; you can tell from the heaviness of his hand as it comes to rest on your ass that he has no such intentions. He fingers softly at the lace of your panties, sighing ruefully. “These really are beautiful,” he muses. “I hate to have to take them down like this, but bad students have to learn, don’t they?”
“They certainly do.” You crane your neck to follow your boyfriend’s voice and find him leaning against the wall behind Seonghwa, staring you down with familiarly cold eyes. He cocks an eyebrow when you finally catch his gaze. “Got something to say, precious?”
“No, sir,” you whisper.
“Turn around, then,” he smiles. “I’m just here to watch.”
You turn back, though more so he doesn’t see you roll your eyes than out of a desire to obey him. Seonghwa has carefully shimmied your panties down to the middle of your thighs and the cold air of the office bites at your sensitive pussy.
“Spread your legs,” he says. “Show me how wet you are.“
Blushing furiously, you part your legs, spreading them as far as you can without snapping the panties bunched around your thighs. Seonghwa hums, running a long finger through your wet folds. The touch is unexpected but Hongjoong’s trained you well enough that you manage to stay still despite your surprise. You whine a little when he pulls away and you hear both men chuckle.
“Professor Kim,” Seonghwa says. His voice has a new quality; delicate and flirtatious as he addresses your boyfriend. “Come and taste how wet she is.”
You hear Hongjoong approach the elder and try to move around to see it, but Seonghwa’s firm hand on your neck holds you still. “I don’t think so, bad girl,” he tuts. “Only good little girls get to watch. Keep still.”
“Good call,” Hongjoong purrs. “She’s always loved seeing me with other people. Little pervert would probably start humping the table if she saw me doing this.”
You hear the wet, lewd sounds of Hongjoong sucking at Seonghwa’s finger, lapping up your juices with a noise of pleasure. “Delicious little slut,” he chuckles. “Let’s get her properly disciplined so we can play with her how she wants.”
Somehow you hear the wide grin in Seonghwa’s voice as Hongjoong backs away. “I quite agree.”
His hands rests on your ass again, squeezing it softly. “This is what’s gonna happen, little one. You got a 48 on my exam, didn’t you?”
You’re almost embarrassed to hear the number and you know Hongjoong is too. “Yes,” you whisper.
“Yes, Professor will do,” he says. “You’re not my friend, sweetheart. You’re just a wayward student being put back on the right path.”
Shame courses through you but it would be a lie to say it’s anything but thrilling. “Yes, professor,” you whisper.
He taps your ass appreciatively. “Good girl. So, you got a 48 on my exam. What was the pass mark?”
“60, Professor,” you mumble.
“Now that’s not very hard to achieve, is it Professor Kim?”
“It’s not. The pass marks in my class are higher, in fact.”
You want to roll your eyes at their smug, jovial tones but you’re too aroused now to do anything but anticipate.
“A pathetic score, really.” Seonghwa’s voice is closer than ever and you feel his presence just inches away. “Especially for such a bright young woman. I think you need to learn to separate your head—” he gathers a piece of your hair, gently folding it behind your ear “—and your pussy, hm?”
“Yes, Professor.”
“Good.“ Something long and thin taps at your bare skin and you recognise it instantly—the wooden ruler Hongjoong keeps in his desk drawer for when he’s feeling particularly on-the-nose about the taboo nature of your relationship.
“I’m going to hit you with this twelve times,” Seonghwa purrs. “For each of the marks you easily could have gotten if you hadn’t been too busy imagining my cock in your mouth. Yeah?”
You nod, feeling yourself pulse. “Yes, Professor.”
“Repeat after me, alright?” The first hit is quick and sharp, spread over your ass and it makes you gasp. Seonghwa chuckles and rubs the reddening flesh before he grabs your hair, yanking your head back to whisper in your ear. “One,” he says. “I’m sorry for being such a slut, Professor.”
You repeat it quietly and he tuts. “Louder than that, love. I’m sure your boyfriend wants to know you’re learning your lesson.”
You oblige, repeating it louder and he makes a noise of satisfaction before the ruler comes down again, this time at the tops of your thighs. “Two,” he says. “I’m sorry for thinking with my pussy instead of my head.”
“Two, I’m… I’m sorry for thinking with my pussy instead of my head.”
The next hit lands in the same spot. “Three. I’m sorry for dripping over Professor Kim’s desk just from being spanked.”
You blush in embarrassment; you’d half hoped he wouldn’t notice, but that was a tall order anyway. When it comes to Hongjoong and anything to do with him, you’ve never been subtle.
The next hits follow the same pattern, spread across your ass and thighs with each one making you gasp louder than the last.
“Four. I’m sorry for making Professor Park waste his time disciplining me.”
“Five. I’m sorry for daydreaming about choking on another man’s cock.”
“Six. I’m sorry for being arrogant enough to think I’d get away with such an embarrassing performance.”
The last one hits you right on your dripping pussy, making you scream and he grabs your hair, spinning you around to face him and your boyfriend; your eyes hone in on Hongjoong’s cock, pulsing in his hands before Seonghwa forces your attention back to him. “Twelve,” he growls. “I’m sorry for being such a cockwhore that I’m making Professor Park break his rule about sleeping with students.”
You can’t help but grin as you repeat his words, feeling proud. Of course, you knew from the moment you turned around and saw him standing there what was going to happen, but it’s nice to hear it from him. He smiles, grasping your neck gently. “Did you like that?” He asks. “Getting spanked by your professor while your boyfriend jerks off to it?”
“Yeah,” you breathe. “I liked it.”
“Well, now that you’ve learnt your lesson,” he says, “I think it’s time you got fucked, no?”
You nod and turn to your boyfriend; he tilts his head, nodding towards his hard cock. “You know what to do,” he says.
“Yes, sir.” You sink to your knees, staring up at Seonghwa and sending him a teasing smile before crawling towards Hongjoong. You open your mouth, letting him push his dick inside; after all this time together, he doesn’t need to ease you into it anymore and can go straight to fucking your mouth and you take it diligently, opening your throat the way he’s trained you to. You hear Seonghwa whistle, admiring.
“She sucks cock like a fucking pro,” he laughs; the arousal in his voice is thick and unmistakable. “You’ve trained her well, Hongjoong.”
Hongjoong laughs too, patting your head. “I had an excellent student,” he grins. You smile around him at the praise and he curses. “You’re too good at this, babe, Jesus. Gonna cum before I even fuck you.”
He thrusts into your mouth a few more times before pulling out abruptly, shoving you off of him and in an instant Seonghwa’s hands are in your hair as he pulls you to your feet and shoves you back over the desk. You collide painfully with the wood but you barely notice; you’re used to being manhandled by now, and it only makes you more excited.
Large hands you recognise as Seonghwa’s grab your ass cheeks, pulling them apart slowly; the air hits your exposed holes and makes you jump in surprise but you quickly regain your composure. As you still yourself again you feel Hongjoong’s finger running gently across your asshole, almost like he’s inspecting it, before it slides down to toy with your pussy.
“Hm…” Seonghwa’s voice is teasing. “What’s your favourite hole of hers, Professor Kim?”
“What a question,” Hongjoong chuckles and you hear the smile in his voice. His finger prods gently at your rim, making you tense unconsciously and he tuts, lightly slapping the tight little hole. It’s a subtle, painless chastisement but it makes you whine all the same. “Now, now, kitty cat,” he chuckles. “I didn’t train you to squirm, did I?”
“No, sir,” you mumble.
“Good,” he says. “To answer your question, Hwa, I’d have to say her pussy. I love her ass, of course, but nothing compares to the way that little cunt clings to my dick like it’s just begging for a baby.”
“Well that does sound nice.” Seonghwa’s hands leave your ass, returning to your pussy to spread you open. “It looks snug,” he says. “What do you think, little one? Want your professor to breed you?”
It takes you a moment for your brain to catch up with the rest of you and you frown in confusion. “I- you mean you, Professor Park?” You ask. It comes out as more of a strangled cry; your head is a mess of arousal and you barely even register what he’s saying to you, let alone comprehend it fully.
He laughs, patting your soft skin gently. “Yes, perhaps I should be more clear. It must be confusing to be bending over in front of two of your teachers.”
Your face burns at the obvious mockery; the degrading, sneering tone of his voice but you say nothing. Seonghwa hums. “So?” He asks sweetly. “You want me in your cunt, baby girl?”
“Yes,” you breathe. “Please, Professor.”
“There’s those manners,” he praises.
He keeps a firm grip on your hips as he slides in from behind; the feeling of his skin against your still burning ass is uncomfortable, but the way his cock is stretching you as he buries himself inside you is the only thing your brain can process right now.
He’s just as big as Hongjoong, maybe a little bigger, but his thrusts are more fluid and controlled; where Hongjoong fucks you like an animal hungry for more, Seonghwa fucks you with precision; with intention. His hands on your hips are firm yet gentle and the way he finds you in your deepest places has your head spinning with euphoria. “Jesus,” he curses. “Pretty little thing, aren’t you?”
You open your mouth to respond, barely getting a whine out before you feel hands in your hair, yanking at it to pull you forward. Hongjoong comes into view on the other side of the desk, his dick somehow still hard as he feeds it into your mouth. “There you go,” he coos. “Keep it hard, baby.”
You nod as best as you can and the friction against his dick makes your boyfriend groan. “Fuck,” he mutters. “You’re so fucking good with cock you could make me cum on accident.”
The feeling of two dicks inside you makes it hard to focus on either one; let alone to begin to process the filthy words they spit down at you. Intesd you close your eyes, letting the tears fall as Hongjoong starts to fuck your throat again; you’re limp against the desk now, held up solely by the wood and by the two men using you to satisfy themselves. “Oh shit,” Hongjoong says, seeing your dazed expression. “Baby’s gone dumb already.” He strokes your hair gently, a small comfort between punishing thrusts. “You okay, little dove?”
You groan in response, unable to do much else; it makes them laugh and Seonghwa pats your ass affectionately. “You’re doing so well,” he says. “I’m almost there, sweetheart. Gonna fill you up real nice, yeah?”
“Y-yeah,” you gasp.
The feeling of Seonghwa’s thrusts growing faster and harder and more desperate is overwhelming; coupled with the sensation of Hongjoong’s cock hitting the back of your throat again and again, it’s almost unbearable. Your fingers claw against the wood, surely leaving marks but you don’t care; you feel unlike you ever have before, stuffed full and used by two of the most attractive men you’ve ever even imagined.
You’re in so deep that you don’t even realise it’s over until the emptiness of your mouth and cunt becomes obvious; you feel cum leaking from your hole, a wet substance dripping down the desk and only when you look closer do you figure out what it is—squirt. You squirted. You squirted all over your boyfriend’s desk with another man’s cock in your pussy and you’ve never been more fucked out and satisfied than you are now.
When you stand up fully your legs, numbed and weakened by their abuse, start to give out but Hongjoong is there in an instant; he catches you in his arms, lowering himself to the ground so he can cradle you in his lap. You’re faintly aware of Seonghwa’s voice and strong hands stroking your hair before he’s gone, and it’s just you and Hongjoong.
“Good girl,” he mutters. “You took that so well.”
“Really?”
“Of course,” he smiles. “I only hope your performance in Professor Park’s class improves soon. Otherwise he’ll have to tutor you if you want to keep your spot in his class.”
Your heart jumps. “What?”
“Uni rules,” he shrugs, appearing nonchalant but the knowing smile on his face tells all. “If you fail two exams in a row, that’s what happens.”
You don’t know why he seems so surprised when you turn up in his office a month later with a D-minus and an already leaking pussy. He always knew you were insatiable.
Lucky for you, so are they.
—
comments/reblogs appreciated! i’m not sure im super happy with the ending but we move. let me know your thoughts! love🖤🖤🖤
ateez taglist: @pixie0627 @hon3ysun @bbdeongi @hwaromi @tangerineastronaut @fancypeacepersona @aloevendetta (unable to tag: @lemonkait00 @mylovelymito)
february festival taglist: @hohongsan @nopension
#ateez smut#ateez hard hours#kpop smut#ateez x reader#ateez hard thoughts#hongjoong smut#seonghwa smut#matz smut#matz x reader#poly ateez#mulloey writes#mulloey events
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in 5th grade my friend and I had websites on a site maker thing called yolasite. also we had like major beef on this girl named Aubrey bc she was always snitching on us and getting us in trouble for random things. anyways, one day my friend was at my house and we were in the computer room on our home PC which was windows 2000 in the year 2009 if that adds any flavor to this. my friend suggested we make our own website, one called aubreyhaters .yolasite .com but we had to make it on my account because her parents would be mad if they found out. I thought this was reasonable, as her parents scared the living shit out of me too. we made the site detailing all the little things we hated about her (she lied about befriending Justin Bieber, lied about being related to the Jonas Brothers, was mean, etc.) alongside poorly drawn mspaint imagery (stick figures).
I didn't think about this until the next day at school during lunch, my friend and I were sitting at the table and Aubrey was at the same table too so my friend gets her attention and she's like "hey Aubrey! I found a crazy website you should look up. it's literally called aubreyhaters .yolasite .com. I swear it's real!! look it up!!!" and then my heart sank. I felt so incredibly numb with anxiety like my whole body was liquified into a puddle then and there.
so the next day at lunch Aubrey comes and tells us that she found the website and she's gonna tell EVERYONE in school including the principal. she was determined to find the creators of the site. so anyways I am fucking horrified to go to school for days on end I mean it felt like months but it may have been moreso a week or two of the school trying really hard to figure out wtf this site was and who made it. at the time, there wasn't much knowledge on tracking things down to IP addresses especially in a small school where there wasn't any protocol for this sort of situation yet. when it became known that the school was investigating that was when I went and permanently deleted the site and prayed to myself that nothing would happen.
well, one day they came to our classroom, deciding it had to be one of us as this was the same class Aubrey was in. they gave a long lecture on cyberbulling, which they had described as a crazy and new, never before seen phenomenon where kids could, omg, bully each other online. who knew that could happen. so what happens next in this situation is that they come to the conclusion my friend might have made this account, considering history between her and Aubrey. they take her out to the hall to have a conversation. she comes back crying. the principal comes up to me with this look like "you're in huge trouble" and pulls me immediately to the principals office. hes like "you friend told me YOU came up with this website and it was all YOUR idea and your friend there? you were trying to frame this on her and you're lucky you have no history of being in trouble for anything otherwise you would be in much worse trouble." basically I clammed up couldn't say a word just sobbing profusely for the whole thing and he felt bad probably so gave me a slap on the wrist at most. still, this is one of my most traumatic memories of my childhood I can remember.
in retrospect, I don't feel bad about making aubreyhaters bc Aubrey in the year 2025 is uh... well at one point she was a security guard or something and acted like she was a fully fledged police officer online to the point where I genuinely thought she was a cop until someone told me she wasn't even a real cop just a security guard who's pretending to be a cop online. before that she joined the military and then got dishonorably discharged and lied about that whole situation saying she left bc she hurt herself but that's not what happened. well that isn't exactly the most recent fuckery on her part she's also like.. got Israeli citizenship and fullheartedly is supporting Israel and yea I do not feel bad about cyberbulling her in 2009. it was not even real cyberbulling we were spitting straight facts about how she was a lier in regards to Justin Bieber and The Jonas Brothers. reasonably I avoid her and a lot of people I went to school with like the plague :/
what's the most demented thing you guys got in trouble for in school mine was when an english boy in my class made fun of my name and called my mum a (derogatory word for irish travellers) so i told him my ira uncle was in town and was coming to blow him up after school
#sorry for adding an insanely long story to this#i felt i needed to get this out there#its like my lore#when i get to talking to someone its like necessary at some point that this comes up
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this grief is unlike anything i’ve ever experienced before. i had a major breakdown at 3AM, and i think most people would have thought someone died with how agonized the cries were. but something did die. democracy died. hope died. my faith in my country died. as a disabled queer jew with a reproductive system, i have never been so terrified, both for myself and those i care about, and so disappointed. to my fellow americans, i am so sorry, and i am here for you. my IM’s are open if you need/want to talk. i love you all, please try and do nice things and silly distractions for yourself today. take care of yourself as best you can, and i’m here for you always.
#didn’t fall asleep til like 6:30 got up at like 10:30 feeling physically ill#im pretty sure this caused a flare up#i am so scared#and so so angry#this spits in the face of democracy#and i am so fucking scared for what will happen next#this is so horrible#🪞𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐰𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 👛 ✎ *☆ ᵒᵒᶜ.#politics tw#election tw
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compilation of my other fav palette challenges from the years past... i should do them again sometime......
chara #9 belongs to @askbookwormflareon
#granted theres a glaring issue in one of them#i am not pointing it out lest you end up noticing it when you wouldnt normally~#my art#art q#digital painting#oc#mew#pokemon#purrloin#also i put in my request for availability change#apparently they can reject it...#i just cited second job as reason as to why i need mondays off now#my manager is gonna be super pissed tho cuz they always get mad at everyone who changes their availability#but like i mentally cant keep up with the randomised schedule#esp when i could find out the day before my day off that its my only day i can do comms#i dont have enough time to work my schedule for that w chores and having to go buy food or cat food etc etc#it will come into effect start of next month if they accept it#if they dont then ill just keep resubmitting until they write me upfor it lol idk#i was even nice and specifically asked other higher up staff what the best day to ask off was so it didnt hurt them too bad#but i ranted in stream the other day how like im not responsible for if the store gets fucked just cuz i took one day off my schedule yanno#its not my job to keep that from happening#also im part time and if i was full time id still have 2 guaranteed days off so like ??? idk#scared abt getting the cold shoulder and whatnot the next few weeks from the manager tho#also i stayed up till 4am by accident#and got up at 8am anyways#wish my ass luck
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Lucifer: And having a lot of sex wouldn't make you King it makes you easy.
Adam fakes a gasp: How dare you! I'm not easy!
Lucifer: Oh really? Then who are you fucking all the time Eve?
Adam: I mean, mostly, I'm not gonna fuck random sinners that's gross. That's toeing the line of incest. Oh, maybe if she's open to it, she'll fuck you too.
Lucifer rubbed his face: You were mad before and now you want me to?
Adam: Yeah, solidarity. Its different if I give you permission, you can fuck my ex wife if you want. You already have.
Lucifer: That ...... Is partly true.
Adam tilted his head in confusion: What?
Lucifer: When I gave her the apple and offered to sleep with her, she was scared of my dick so I ate her out instead.
Adam: Why the fuck would she be scared?
Lucifer: I'm 12 inches
There was silence between them for a moment before Adam started laughing.
Adam: There is no fucking way.
Luicfer: I am.
Adam: 12 inches!? That's a fucking footlong sub at Subway man! There is no way.
Lucifer: It's compensation for being 5'2 okay? You want me to whip it out and show you?
Adam: If your dick is 12 inches I'll blow you......... What the fuck is that look for!?
They burst into laughter, Lucifer had looked at him with a sparkle in his eye maybe a little too quickly.
Lucifer: It's been a fucking while! A mouth is a mouth. You heard it here Adam is gonna blow me, exclusive to Patreon only!
Adam: What!? No!
Lucifer: Giving that away for free? How scandalous.~
Adam: Let's just move the fuck on.
Lucifer: Glady, for the record I have my soul. I never begged my Father, but I am the only one who will stay here forever.
Adam: Really? You wouldn't want to go back?
Lucifer: Well, what I did can't be undone it's not as simple as saying I'm sorry. Do you honestly fucking think if I went and apologized they would welcome me with open arms and say "Yeah that's fine Lu, welcome home" Heaven, by the way, not my home anymore. The only ones up there I miss are Gab and Raph, mostly because they didn't treat me like shit. They taught me how to fly.
Adam: That's actually super sweet. Do you think, Charlie started the hotel in hopes of redeeming you?
Lucifer: That...... Will never happen.
Hell was a part of him, his home and intertwined with his very being. If Lucifer were to die....... Well he wouldn't know what would happen but he had a feeling it wouldn't be good.
Lucifer: I've made peace with never going back years ago. It's not a big deal. I don't have to live by their rules anymore and that's fucking nice.
Adam snorted: You just like being King.
Lucifer: Well, it is pretty great. And I think that's a good place to end this, thank you all for listening we'll see you next time on The Hotel Yard.
The Hotel Yard
Adam: So, Lucifer hadn't heard this yet but there is an AI version of our show already.
Lucifer: Shit, okay.
AI Lucifer: Hello everyone I'm with my co-host Adam. And might I say you look like you've escaped from a mental institution.
Adam: So already you start off with insulting me
Lucifer: Yeah but we take turns
Adam: Giving blows to each other
Lucifer: Yeah we take turns blowing each other.
Adam: HAHAHA!!
AI Adam: That's not nice Lu
AI Lucifer: No, but you want to know something else? We're gay for each other.
Lucifer: What!? Hahaha!
Adam: Fucking Jesus hahaha!
I love these goobers so much 😂
AI Adam: We love recording this podcast. But our fathers hate us.
Lucifer and Adam nearly die if laughing.
Lucifer: W-What the fuck?!
Adam: It's not fucking wrong, dude!
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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Hey I'm graduating college in may and I just kinda realized that I'll be Done Done with school after that. Not fake-done like I was graduating high school, where I'd have to go to college at the start of the fall. And not fake-done like I was in any of my semesters I took off.
Done Done. As in I accomplished my degree, and I won't ever have to go back to school if I don't want to. What a beautiful, beautiful thought.
#speculation nation#i enjoy learning but not in school. school is the soul killer. there's a reason it's taking me 10 years to get my bachelors.#failed classes and switched majors and part time school (so i could work and pay my way thru) and semesters taken off...#for 9 and a half years now it's been a fucking shadow hanging over my head.#just gotta keep going just gotta persevere. slow and steady wins the race.#and well im nearly there now. holy fuck tho i didnt miss full time school lmfao#i went to part time a few years back to save my fuckin self bc it was just *impossible* to do full time school And work to support myself.#and even part time school plus a job was horrible. but i did it anyways.#and here i am now with my lovely life insurance from my awful paternal death. life sure happens as it will huh.#which will let me complete school in a neat 10 years. graduated high school in 2015 and college in 2025. wild.#not glad my dad died but im grateful that ive gotten this opportunity afterwards.#sure is strange the ways life goes.#anyways yeah im in deadlines hell rn with all these fucking projects but ONCE I FINISH THEM#i will be done with this semester. my second to last semester.#theyre releasing class schedules today for next semester too and im a little antsy. cant edit until next week regardless#but i wanna KNOWWWWW what i got. best case scenario i get my 3 classes i need to graduate#plus my orchestra and bowling. so i have a full 12 credit hours. to be full time still.#im scared of not having gotten 3 classes bc theyre selectives yea so i dont need These classes Specifically#but also it'll be a pain in my fucking ass if i have to go scrounging. and i wanna have my first choices...#but we'll see. i selected several fall-through options and i dont need any single specific class to graduate.#so long as i have 3... thatll be enough...#AUGHHHHH college!!!! im almost done!!!!! i might get straight As this semester!!!!!! exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to email my professor about setting up the book meeting lol. i should do that today.
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u guys should know a crow is friends with me now....... smiles
#and i can't tell if the other crow that follows it around is its partner or child#the main one that follows me and swoops over my head all the time has a claw missing so thank god i am able to recognize it#the demand of food is high. little man i do not have peanuts until december <///3#giving it other foods sometimes and it also takes things from my hands now !! granted still very cautiously $*!#and whenever im leaning against a wall it comes down beside me to walk behind me to swoop over my head#and its teaching the other crow (who is way more scared of me for now and doesnt get very near) the same too!!! bros learning to be evil !!#soemtimes it still feels violent because the claws sometimes hit my head but other times its still just swooping and slighting grazing its-#wings on my head#i just dont know how to tame it well to not hurt me by accident lol :P#heard you can stop that by taking an umbrella but erm ours broke#i greeted it from my window the other day early morning because i wanted to look at the stormy clouds. guess what happened the next day#it was waiting for me outside the window same time next day what if i fucking cried#sitting on the wall in front of my window cawing. brother i love you. stop clawing me though <3
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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -
I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.
some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).
my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.
we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.
on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).
also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.
I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).
when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.
but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).
#long rambly post sorry#I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time#I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful#but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it#also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that#but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month#like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting#I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important#it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with#people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together#fuuuuck this#😭#personal
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I love Dragon Age companion quests, but sometimes I wish we had more that didn't culminate in fighting a Big Personal Bad, you know
#I think I'm like maybe a third or close to halfway? through DAV right now#and I started doing the thought exercise of “what would your Rook's companion quests be”#and realizing that all the DAV companions have like A Person or Entity they're trying to confront and fight#I think Taash and Emmrich are the only ones who don't and I am Fascinated with their internal struggles#and maybe that changes in the next leg of personal quests idk#but I wish we got more of that stuff in general#just people dealing with how messy life is and how hard it is to find your place#anyways my Rook Mairenn would have quests where you collect something before sitting down at like#the edge of rooftops or the canals in Treviso and she'd start sharing what her life was like before the Crows#like first quest would be her scouring the markets for a proper Dalish trinket#popping down on a roof looking over the sea and going like “I hate my family you know- the one that forced me out”#all the “just a kid angst” you can have before she just Chucks the item as hard as she can into the water#and quest two would happen after your first big decision#where she'd have you trail along the rooftops collecting crow feathers and flowers from trelisses#before setting them afloat with a candle on the canals#“for the ones who don't get to see the sunrise tomorrow”#before you get her lamenting how she doesn't know if her old clan survived everything#how she doesn’t want to go back to them- will /never/ go back to them but how she can't help but worry and wonder#how she's from the Dalish but never felt like she was Dalish#that the Crows are her family- her real family- and it feels like a betrayal to still wonder of those who came before#before capping it off with like “but my clan kicked me out and I got picked up by slavers for it so fuck them right?”#trying to laugh it off before pushing you to get back to the Lighthouse#maybe a little more on how Scared she was for Treviso- for her 'maybe older brother maybe adoptive father' Viago not being there at the end#(I haven't fully clocked the vibes there but the letter you start with from him gives older brother vibes lmao)#I dunno what the next quest or culmination of this is yet but it's been fun to think about
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Idk if the author is giving us hints or………..……………………….
I’m looking too deep into this.
#help#I’m so worried for the next chapter#idk whats gonna happen and I’m SO FUCKING SCARED#fanfiction#ao3#fanfics#fanfic#wattpad#wattpad fanfiction#wattpad fanfic#fanfic community#fanfiction memes#fanfic thoughts#am I looking TOO DEEP into this or#am I just autistic..#I cant tell atp
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Went into another manhwa blind and once more, I regret it.
#it’s too fucking much#I am— I’m just in shock .#too much happened in 26 chapters and now the first volume is done.#what— is someone going to make him suffer in his next life too?#are his lives going to be connected that he remembers his past life?#if he gets reborn an omega after all of that shit—#if he doesn’t get to actually meet those 6 children he gave birth to—#if klopp is still a fucking cunt—#whatever mf drugs these artist/writers are on they need to go and like STOP.#there is just too much cruel shit in these abo/bl manhwa#and once again I am sick to my stomach.#man couldn’t cry until the last chapter where I’ve been crying every single chapter ffs#he didn’t deserve any of that shit… even though he paid those men to ‘scare’ raphael#maybe he was just naive or ignorant himself but he should’ve known the kind of world that existed for omegas#alpha mentality? or JUST ignorance.#god I’m so fucked up over this shit. fuck#✦ jaid reads stuff.#into the rose garden
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i need weed. i need a medical card so bad or im gonna go out of my fuckign GOURD
#speak friend and enter#let me preface this by saying that im doing everything in my power to not let mental illness wipe its greasy hands on me#however. im insane in the membrane and i can feel myself slipping back into lunatic mode#i have to go for an mri next week and i genuinely don't know if i can do it. i am so fucking terrified you have no idea#i'll spare y'all the grisly details but i was chronically ill as a kid (and not just like sick a lot it was touch and go there for a bit)#and as a result of certain procedures i had to undergo to abate the aforementioned chronic illness#i developed ptsd that manifests as an irrational but obscenely debilitating fear of hospitals#like i can't go in a hospital without having a psychotic episode. like clinically i just can't do it#but as part of my yearly post-whatever care i have to get imaging done and this year that entails an mri and. im just scared#i spent a significant portion of my time immediately post ptsd symptom presentation believing that my doctors were trying to kill me#like for sport. like i thought there was some larger deep state esque plan in place to enact further medical barbarism upon me for giggles#and obviously you and i both know that's a delusion with no basis in reality but that doesn't mean i can stop myself from believing it.#it's like a word-of-god thing. i know logically that it's not true but there's a voice in my head screaming 'they want to flay you alive'#and i am currently between therapists and also unmedicated bc my last therapist was too focused on inner child work#to give me the prozac and weed card i really need#like that's great that you think healing my inner child will solve this but my inner child is covered in her own viscera. can we pivot mayb#but anyway for the moment im just wallowing in my own fear and im doubly scared bc im finding myself falling into rabbit holes again#like empirically the worst thing that's gonna happen as a result of this mri is that they're gonna say i have to have another surgery#and the technology has advanced to a point where its way less invasive than what ive had previously#but the constant dull roar of my thoughts about the whole deal is just. increasingly delusional nonsense#and not to be overly morbid or anything but i decided a long time ago that if i ever had to be admitted to the hospital again i would rathe#well you know. and i don't wanna die. honestly i don't. but the idea of wading through that particular brand of hell again is torture#and im not gonna kill myself. im not. ive been working on that impulse for a long time and i don't want to undo all of that work#but im scared and i dont wanna spend the rest of my life in n out of the hospital or as a substance-abusing recluse. is that so much to ask#i want to fix this. i do. i don't wanna live in a hole anymore as fantastic mr fox would say. but the horrors persist#and i often find myself increasingly unable to cope. hence why i need the weed#anyway i'll be fine. eventually. i hope. but in the meantime i do want to say i appreciate you all. i mean it#i tend to regard myself (fairly or otherwise) as difficult to get along with in real life so despite the fact that i don't talk w y'all muc#i do appreciate y'all being there and making me feel like more of a person than i feel like i am lately <3
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We’ve hit peak D&D brainrot gang, it’s infiltrated my dreams
#had a dream last night that I was Jet & fighting the revolutionary war in Pandora#I was escorting some kind of angel??? (ten foot tall human animal woman thing I couldn’t look @ directly w/o my eyes burning)#through the war zone from one safe house to the next between waves of bombs falling#thought I had more time but like half the bombs that fell earlier detonated on a delay while I was running#took out radios and blew up a lot of the buildings/safe houses in the Ward#*knew* logically that the radios were busted but reached for my handheld anyway as soon as I got back to my feet#bc I also knew Seven was in the building I was running to & I saw SO much smoke coming from that direction & feared the worst#got nothing but static and just kept calling & calling while trying to run thru the rubble (forgot all about the Angel lmao oops)#rounded the corner & saw Seven staggering out of the half-collapsed building#he saw Jet & just held up one hand#an unlit cigarette between two fingers & the linkstone pinched between the others#got halfway thru saying ‘you idiot you called on the radio didn’t you’ before Jet tackled him & just started kissing him#whispering how glad they were he was ok and alive and to never scare them like that again#(clarification I was Jet but like I was not in control it was like a cutscene in a first-person POV video game)#Jet asked why the fuck Seven had the cigarette & Seven said ‘I just grabbed it; I told myself if you were alive you’d need one after this-#- and I needed you to be alive; I could tell myself you were ok if I had it to hand off when you got here’#idr what happened after that but I woke up in a fucking stupor#gang I am so unbelievably cooked I’m having fanfic dreams#I lowkey do want to write smth like this now tho (with a more coherent plot and dialogue)
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I feel like a child being like "anyone wanna play tag?!" and no one shows up and then I get dissapointed and sad but now I'm grown up and 16 and it feels like there was no difference between me back then and now. Did I just let go of my baggage in one go. What did I do. What is happening to me
#this feels really damn odd#that's also why I feel so wrong in my body#why am I so normal and FINE?!#this is weird#i guess I stopped being like#uhg man nobody likes me and I'm a fucking weirdo and everyone is out to get me and it's better if I shut up#(i still feel like people are out to get me)#idk I think I just let go of all the bullying and this giant self defense mechanism I made#where I just push everyone away for my own sanity#I'm still scared of opening up but I feel. different#not more free just different#i didn't like it at first. This is weird.#but I'm slowly getting used to it#i feel like an entirely different person god :/#it's not nice and I'm scared of what will happen next. I'm not sure how to feel :(#and I have to bike to school tomorrow :(#It's weird cause I don't wanna be at school and I stay be at school at the same time#cause I feel like I have no purpose or clear path besides school... I'm scared#and I don't understand why any of this is happening to me...#:(
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