#ok really I’m scared for tomorrow but I cannot control it or predict the future I just have to show up be sincere and present my best self

[episbep]

rehab day twenty

last night one of my housemates came to my room with this “little bit of zen” stone stack that he made from stones at the local beach (what a sweetheart, he knows I’ve been struggling recently and I will keep this forever and ever)

started off the day with my new morning routine which I think set the tone for the day as I have been more positive, less stressed about things I can’t control and ready to tackle this addiction head on. I’m ready to really commit to making this change now and the euphoric recall/self-gaslighting is becoming much less frequent - if anything I am scared to use as I know where it has led and will inevitably lead again (jails, institutions or death as NA would say- absolute hopelessness and misery imo) had a meeting at the centre first thing then went to the beach! It was gorgeously sunny and I swam in the sea with my rehab buddies (almost all of us were there) then caught some rays on the sand - my little crush called me pretty while we were in the sea🥰 I went back to the house and had a video call dance party with my baby💖✨ then a Mindfulness Based Recovery Program online meeting in which I shared and multiple people said it was helpful to them - win☺️ did my gratitude list and goals for tomorrow, packed up some shells that I got from the beach to send home and wrote a little note to go with them before I made a falafel salad for dinner and watched the match (England lost but it was actually a good match to watch tho especially the second half) now having a bath then heading to bed, so I’m fresh and ready for what tomorrow brings…

[diahri]

“Whatever, who knows perhaps we all die tomorrow and none of this things is matter”

So here’s the problem,

I’m on my teenage, 17 and I am that one person with out of reach fantasy. Believe me when I say that the first second I look at a person, I already imagining the whole life of this person and how’s my life gonna be if that one person is in my life. When I see a cute guy with glasses, a beanie and cool hoodie, my head probably somewhere imagining the full conversation we might have, imagine which place we might go if we’re go on date, what movie we gonna watch, what’s his favourite food, what’s my parents reaction if I bring him home, how’s my three brothers gonna treat him, what kind of wedding we might have, what’s his vows going to be, whats his response when he sees me walking in the aisle, probably wondering hows the “dirty things” going with him, how’s our children would look like, how good he is as a dad, how he will spend his life when I die first, and other more spesific things. I know hows my head works is creepy. Well I might say it’s not always going that way because I usually will stop when I felt disgusting about some things that I don’t want to happen like what my imagination have predicted. It’s like I never done anything faster than hows my imagination running. And what scared me is it’s not just about how I imagine about a person, I’m sure also imagining about hows my day will going and hows my future will be.  I also don’t lie when I told you I ever continuing a story in my dream (like real dream while I’m sleeping) from one night sleep to the other. the longest story is about 7 days I think, and hell yeah my dream story probably will be a such a good fiction movie.   

Of course I cannot say that this thing is extra or what, because I know other “Thinker” person are also suffering with this wild imagination too. The thing is I never got the ability to realizationing my imagiton , and my imagination will almost always better than the reality I have. like this head will always have a better idea about everything. huh such a high expectations about everything. and THAT makes me hate about everythings going in my life. ended up with me always have something to complain. never felt enough. sadly as I’ve said I never really trying hard to make it so. My inner self also lazy enough to do the things I should do, instead just use the energy to visualizing things I'm going to do. I wish that I could just sit in here and control things with just my mind like Matilda... 

Long story short, I know I have to cut off my wild imagination in the pursuit to find happiness in my life without having high expectations about everything. I’ve tried so many ways to distract my head from daydreaming and finally that line in the title is effective enough to stop it. 

After a months goes by, I keep telling that mantra to my head. and just doing whatever the things I felt like wanted to do. without much thinking, without expecting anything. wishing that good things will come through my life by that... but then, nothing happen. nothing really happen. and the worse is I ended up doing nothing and even if I did, I did it without feeling anything, I did it without eager, and the result is all just plain. the result is just “ok, i’ve done it now, then what for?”

Please help me. there’s really something wrong with me and my head.