#and i admit i myself haven't been up to my own standards mentally so even when i want to i can't... think of anything

[akuma-homura]

my annual or bi-annual 'god I miss livejournal/dreamwidth roleplay' feelings at 3/4AM apparently

i was never good at keeping up with it, but I loved reading others threads so much. especially with vocaloidressing, where I usually looked because... i mean my vocaloid special interest and all

I just,,,, miss. nostalgic feeling. something something the past

it'd be fun to roleplay with friends on there or something, even if just for a short time

[weebsinstash]

Ugh okay I’m not sure if this will really fit with ur ideas but whenever anyone brings up group yanderes I’m always drawn to a specific scenario: Reader, by some miracle, gets a significant other outside of the group that, again, by a miracle, they don’t know about (I’m thinking, in this scenario, Reader travels through universes often to hang out with different spiders, and in a universe they visit frequently, they sneak off and see someone whenever the local spider is doing their spider stuff). Said s/o breaks up with Reader and they’re obviously upset. The group starts freaking tf out because their darling’s upset and not telling anyone what’s wrong, while Reader’s going through a whole internal conflict because they know they’ll be in trouble if they tell the truth, but also they know their ex will be in MAD trouble, so they’re desperately trying to hide the whole situation, which only makes things worse as the group descended into chaos, knowing that their darling is hiding *something* and not telling anyone. The whole spiderverse is working together to manipulate you/figure out what’s going on. People like Jess, Pav, and Gwen try to approach you as sympathetic friends who you can vent your issues to, while characters like Miguel and Hobie are much more upfront in telling you to tell them what’s going on, not even asking. When the truth does inevitably get revealed, it’s hell on earth for both you and your ex. (Bonus; imagine if said ex actually hurt you in some way other than breaking up, like admitting to cheating or was generally cruel to you either during the relationship or just in the breakup. The fury of your captors would be biblical)

God and from their perspective some/most of it is justified because you're walking around SIGNIFICANTLY more depressed than before, you're starting to become more anxious and jumpy, and with some people you're outright lashing out in anger if they press you on the subject, so like, even if some of the Spiders are trying to invade your privacy or even manipulate you, from their side, there's no telling how serious this problem actually is, or if it's nothing to be concerned about (in the grand scheme of things, you having a fight with your partner isn't some world shattering event, but to THEM it's 'wait Reader's been dating? who???' And like virtually no matter who it is, if they're a Normie they aren't good enough by the Society/your group's standards. Although technically if dating could potentially interfere with any of your future canon events, well, then you have a particular spicy papi very upset with you...)

So like, I haven't seen all clips of Miguel's scenes and speaking lines yet but I've been spoiling myself to a little more (I aim to see spiderverse on the big screen this weekend so I was kinda leaving some to surprise, fucking hid all my wax and edibles, im gonna dry out for a few days and hit some dabs and see this shit in IMAX and itll rewire my fucking brain shits gonna be so good) but oh my god this man gets so fucking scary. He's just on his brooding platform already stressed as fuck which is a constant state he lives in at this point and here's Jess and Peter B as concerned parents to fill him in on their concerns, what they've seen from you: sudden increased self isolating, crying more, becoming more withdrawn and quiet, refusing to talk to them about it, trying to spend all your time alone. Miguel just, trying to tether the last pieces of his mental sanity together as he decides to go visit you personally, and he can immediately tell you're hiding something from all the darting glances to the fact you don't want to look him in the eyes.

Like can you imagine, I guess it depends on how you see Reader "going about", like do they have their own home universe or whatever, but, Miguel hasn't confronted you himself yet and he decides, fine, you want to keep secrets, good fucking luck, and all of his dimensional watches he's given out are probably connected to the same servers and systems so he just, looks up your travel log and quickly identifies that you've been visiting the same universe repeatedly, but none of your friends seem to know why you would be going there. Say you've been hanging around in Gwen's universe and Miguel assumes, oh maybe you're spending time with Gwen, maybe that emo little drummer said something to upset you, but Gwen looks confused (and a little upset) when it turns out you've been apparently popping in her universe without even saying hi? And Miguel is gritting his teeth because he's starting to form a theory on what's going on and he doesn't like it one fucking bit

He teams up with Jess and Peter B and Gwen and some of your other pals and he starts triangulating your bracelet and. Wow what the fuck you're in Gwen's dimension RIGHT NOW. So then they all race towards your location to watch from a distance, some real loony tunes, "all 6 or 7 of us are hiding behind the same tree" bullshit, and, there you are from a distance, out of costume as you're clearly very upset, talking to someone that, most of the Spiders recognize instantly minus characters like Pav and Jess and Miguel and there's this resounding GROAN OF DISGUST "oh god, NOT FLASH THOMPSON" (for Spiderman lore newbies this is literally the character that bullies the fuck out of Peter Parker in high school like literal actual shoving him into lockers shit)

Peni uses her mech to send out a listening device and everyone is comically gathered around as they eavesdrop and start getting progressively more furious as they start piecing things together: you HAD been there to visit Gwen initially, but somehow you met Flash out of costume and the jockey SOMEHOW managed to woo you, but the relationship quickly became manipulative and controlling until you eventually caught Flash with another person. They're all GRITTING THEIR TEETH as you're in tears, asking him what you did wrong, where did you mess up, and Flash basically tells you to your face, "you're nothing special, I got bored of you"

Your little groupie gang of platonic and romantic yandere WITH STEAM BLOWING OUT OF THEIR EARS as you whimper "but... you-you said you loved me! We SLEPT together!" And he just. Fucking laughs in your face, SHOVES YOU, and calls you a slut before walking away with someone else on his arm

Gwen absolutely seething as she reflects on how Flash treated her Peter and Pavitr is swearing curses onto his entire family line meanwhile Hobie just like "oy would it break canon if I smash my guitar over that pisser's head". Peter 'I just wanna talk to him' B Parker as he hands Mayday off to Jess while cracking his knuckles. Miguel is, well, upset about like 10 different things because God fucking damn it, how long have you been hanging around with non-Spiders in other universes? (Do you think the Spider Society would be like, more than just a little possessive and insular, since youre supposed to be part of the Ha Ha We're All Spiderman club and they catch you hanging with normies over them) Is there anyone else? What have you been doing? He's just instantly a mixture of furious and hurt because damn it don't you know you're like his favorite, why the fuck are you running around potentially flirting with canon, don't you know how dangerous this is

But also deadass he wants to tear that man apart with his claws and he's considering checking the canon events of this universe to see if he can make it so

The Gang just watching as you pick yourself up but can't stop crying, and you drag your feet as you head to sit in a park or something, seeming like your entire form and surroundings are nothing but a depressed, deep blue. You're in a park or something so they can't exactly approach you normally because there are people around, but you just sit there crying for ages before you eventually pick yourself up and draaaaaag your feet, seeming to walk around aimlessly until, eventually, you go to a dark alley or under a bridge somewhere and they all pop out at you just as you're about to warp home anyways and you're just immediately bombarded by all these people

"Hey, you know what he said isn't true, right? Dude's a punk bitch!"

"Scuse me? I take that personally. He IS a total fuckin wanker though"

"Hon, you can't let what some ego-tripping blonde who peaked in high school said make you feel like this! He ain't worth it!"

And you're just standing there looking at them as your heart breaks a little more because you HAD been wanting some kind of support in all of this but you're muttering out with disbelief, "you guys followed me...?" And you're really hurt by that, but, here comes Miguel, stalking forward, putting a hand on your shoulder that's one part sympathetic comfort, one part possessive anger as he glowers at you with chestnut eyes that almost look RED, "anything else you wanna share?"

Miguel marching back to the weekly We Love Reader meeting and slapping a graphic up onto the wall with your face like a PSA "THIS Spider FUCKS and only YOU can stop it" fhfjfjg no not really but like non yandere Spiders are doing their own thing when, from a secret meeting room somewhere in Nueva York, the ground practically shakes with dozens upon dozens if not hundreds of voices crying out in agony "NOT FLASH THOMPSON 😩"

Bonus points if like, one of the things The Gang had witnessed was you crying and all that right, but, what if Reader had specifically said to Flash, "but I gave you my VIRGINITY" like. Mayhem. Pandemonium. All the Spiders have a sudden "aha!" because wow no wonder you suddenly started talking about how you're worthless and don't matter, this DICK HEAD lured you into a false sense of security and trust and then took your virginity and bounced while calling you a fucking loser and judging by that shove, has maybe even put his hands on you before? Like fuckinnnngggg The Society and your entire friend group freaking the fuck out one day because you have a black eye one day you were trying to hide with sunglasses and you say it was from a Villain but they're all like Nah Fam That's Sus because how would a villain pop one off on your face when you have super strength and Spidey Sense and they get you/intimidate you to open up and it's like, oh, that was because your "boyfriend" didnt like how you thought you smelled someone else's perfums/cologne on him and he lost his temper when you pressed him for answers, and even when you tell them the truth you're still crying with a small laugh, "it was my fault, I should've backed off and realized I was upsetting him"

Reader just gets surrounded by all their friends and "the cute Spiders" like the cat Spiderman and oh my fucking god there's a plushie Spiderman and just, gosh, they try to basically smother you with love to cheer you up and bring your confidence back but your heart has been wounded and needs time to heal 🥺 regardless, later on Detective Stacey is having to investigate and finds Mr Thompson in an alleyway with a busted knee that permanantly ends any sort of athletic career and the words "CHEATER" cut across his body in multiple places while he's covered in scratches, bruises, bites, and he keeps mumbling the weirdest most incoherent shit under his breath that gets him hospitalized

"The- the pig... it TALKED... it pulled out a HAMMER... from its POCKET... the pig... had ... POCKETS..."

[nyaifyz]

Sorry if this question bugs you, but I wanted to know if you are ok.

I've seen that you haven't posted anymore Murder Drones content after episode 7 (aside from those 4 posts) and wanted to know why.

I think that the reason could have to do with one of the main sticking points of that episode and one of the main interests of your blog: Doll.

I've seen many other members of the community still mourn her death, myself included, so I definitely know what it feels like to be empty inside for a fictional character.

I've taken upon myself the task to comfort everyone who's grieving Doll since I myself didn't have anyone who could understand my pain and comfort me, so I just wanted to say: stay strong, Comrade. The battle is never over.

.....

If the reason why you haven't posted MD content in a while is way more simple than I guess I look like a fool, but in any case good job with your art and do whatever you want regardless of what I or anybody else has said.

If you are just simply taking a break, do that too, and don't feel pressured to come back.

I do thank you for your concern I will admit, I am still sad for Doll

her death was leaked to me so I've been in denial about it before it even happened on screen

she is very special to me in more ways than one

I still draw Doll, I still talk/mention her randomly when I talk to other people, I still look at her fanart

and I have a lot of unposted artworks, comic scripts, oneshot plans, and other things

but to be honest, I've been too mentally unwell to post or openly interact with the murder drones fandom outside of my own md discord server

I've been interacting with the Littlest Pet Shop community much more as it is my special interest and my biggest source of comfort

I plan to turn Doll into a lps so I can have her as a double comfort!

I also have been posting more of Indigo Park as its my current hyperfixation and Rambley has given me comfort too, I actually have plans of Doll and Rambley interactng!

now about the mentally unwell thing, I will speak more about that under the cut as it will include triggering topics

but for now, I just thank you for speaking to me, I am thankful people actually care about my posting

Yes I have been very unwell

I have been struggling with art and dealing with massive moodswings, I have been experiencing panic attacks and intense stress in my daily life

I am dealing with suicidal thoughts and a ton of hate towards myself

I want to completely erase my online existence and restart under a new identity, but I can't bring myself to completely leave the Murder Drones fandom or the LPS community, or my amazing friends that mean the world to me

even if I did re-enter under a new identity, I probably have a high chance of being recognized in the MD fandom anyways so I feel my possible effort would end up useless

but either way, I am just dealing with a lot of negative emotion

I live in an uncomfortable household and expected to continue with college

everyone irl has high standards over me, and I do my best to not let that impact me online too

but anyways...if you read this, I thank you for listening :'3

[carlotaflaneur]

#5 september 2023

EVERY WORD I SAY COULD BE THE LAST ONE

hooooOooooola !

My newsletter has turned into that text from a friend you love dearly but you can hardly ever see each other, so there is no practical end to keeping the chat alive, which leads to you not putting it first and letting it die, and then your heart aches more and more as months go by, because you love them and wanted to share what live has brought to you both. I do think that it's never too late to answer a text... because who wouldn't like to receive a text or a letter that wasn't expected ??? that said, I apologize for not writing; I said my newsletter would be a monthly thing and I broke my commitment.

Now that I'm finally writing, I take this chance to let you know that my email address is hola@carlotaflaneur.com :-) I'll be more than happy to receive letters filled with musical recommendations or impressions on my record, which turned 1 YEAR yesterday !!!

All this time I haven't stopped ruminating on the various reasons why I haven't been sending this newsletter. I've been questioning myself a lot: have I acted lazy ?? I don't think so. I actually think I've been too hard on myself. It's a mental process I'm quite familiar with: a part of me feels what I'm writing to you has to be highly excellent and interesting... so much that I end up not writing, feeling like it wouldn't be enough. It's the same with content for social media (I've been struggling recording videos) and even with songs. I think it's not healthy that perfectionism holds the power behind creativity... I clearly get creative because I need to; but I want to learn to do so from a place of playfulness, passion... rather than high self-demand standards.

june 2023 - with my dad benito going to Primavera Sound in Barcelona (foto: núria gascón)

This last year has been crazy amazing; I've played my album many places, including Primavera Sound (the biggest festival in Spain) and Wales !!!!! my first international gig !!!!! I actually sold some vinyls to english couples who were incredibly supportive, I get emotional when I recall it. A spanish girl -who discovered me thanks to the spanish national radio- who lives in Cambridge drove all along to Wales (3 hours) just to see me play. I hugged her so tight !!! I can retire now.

What a beautiful and hard year !!! I have to admit I've felt overwhelmed every single day and I have a fatigue sensation I cannot get rid of. It's partly because I still don't know how to get rest; even when I push myself to unwind, I end up thinking about my project. And I can't seem to separate Carlota Flâneur from my personal life (I guess it's because I AM Carlota Flâneur hahah). I've learnt a lot about managing my time, but I still have loads to learn in that sense. Vivid proof: I haven't been sending newsletters this last year.

I'm still learning to live with the implications of being my own boss... and that's also beautiful and exhausting. I've been constantly wishing that I had a normal job, where I'm told what to do and how to do it, with very defined responsibilities and getting paid on a regular basis lol. I acknowledge I'd feel empty inside if that was my life, and I'd still need to write songs... maybe a good solution is finding the right balance between being an artist and having a job that pays. I'll tell you how this goes in the future !

Many hugs to you all and I hope that I can see you soon !!

ps: have you seen my website ??? my friend Ayman designed it and programmed it :-)

Carlota

[sjweminem]

This might be a dumb question but. How do they know when you can stop doing ect? Is it just when you feel better lol?? Like when are you ready? Do you have to tell them or??? Do they tell you??? How can they tell it's worked well enough that you don't need to come so often???

not dumb!! to many this is still a rather mysterious kind of treatment!

before and after each session, at least at the highly acclaimed hospital at which i'm fortunate enough to be treated and is accessible to me locationally, there is an extensive catchup and evaluation with your whole team. they administer periodic depression screenings as well to monitor changes- positive or negative. very much a team effort all around, and i imagine planning your session-tapering and long-term maintenance appt schedule would be no different. if they know you're still suffering they're certainly not gonna just kick you out of the program, even if you've already received the "standard" number of sessions. i have already received more than double that and haven't even begun to taper off (i.e. i still go 3x a week) because of my poor state.

it is also very much my responsibility to be honest (admittedly in careful, calculated ways that don't lead to legally-obligated, forced admission to their inpatient psych program.....i'm no rookie to toeing that very thin line lol) and, VERY importantly, advocate for myself. there's a reason the intensity of my treatment has increased four times so far. this aspect was a bit strange at first; i'm not used to psych professionals really, truly listening to me. i've been in the MH system for two decades and had gotten used to those professionals defaulting to THEIR expertise and abiding by THEIR protocols regardless of my desperate assertion of my own misery. i've gotten used to only making vague allusions to my su*cidality to avoid involuntary commitment. all it takes is ONE slip-up, ONE wrong word, and once it's said there's no going back.

However (this paragraph is more of a side-note so feel free to skip) my wonderful ECT doctors and nurses trust that i'm getting this treatment because i WANT to get better, and that when i tell them something isn't working, or that i don't think i can endure long enough to "wait and see" due to my severe su*cidality, it's the truth, and also proves i'm not ready to give up. yesterday, actually, for probably the first time, i spoke frankly about exactly how i would kill myself should this not work. i've planned out every detail. i even admitted to fantasizing about it all the time- all details about which no one else in the world knows, but i explained it all to the psychiatrist in my post-tx meeting because i trusted she understood and listened to me. i trusted she would connect the dots between a.) my showing up to each session and verbalizing my needs, to b.) the fact that you CAN be su*cidal without automatically being a danger to yourself, and have to be put away.

since my treatment approach has crossed over into more Hardcore territory, when i reach and my own desired version of wellness and stability (i say "when" instead of "if" bc i'm trying to be optimistic for once in my fucking life), and i've been in that mental state long enough to feel safe and confident in it and have expressed as such, we will begin the weaning/tapering process. there are several methods for doing so, in my case likely a combo of reverting to the "beginner" tx settings and coming in 2x per week instead of 3 and seeing how i do; if i remain stable; then following the same process of lower-impact settings and fewer visits. the goal is to reach "maintenance" territory, in which i'd only need to come in once per month, like a booster. i would remain on my medication cocktail.

it's all very personalized and, at this wicked high quality clinic at least, the patient seems to have the final say. idk what it's like elsewhere but if you google "mclean hospital" you'll get what i mean lol (i have lots of history w them too which is nice). it also helps a lot that the ECT staff is so experienced, so they know what to look for in their recovering patients, AND warning signs for which to watch out, that the patients themselves may not personally recognize. you won't just be thrown to the wolves.

all in all it's about trust. and i quite literally trust my team with my life.

[drukhari]

heya, this is a bit of a two part ask. hope this is an okay ask.

I've got a question about sexting, and how to start it when it comes to stuff that would be a bit more like roleplay? I feel like it's easier when it's just "normal" sexting and I can ask stuff like what are you doing rn/ what are you wearing etc to start off but then with like roleplay or like an established set scene, I'm not sure how to introduce it... if that makes sense?

also, I was wondering if there was such a thing as sexting aftercare? ik I can ask them how they feel, if they're doing okay etc... but other than direct questions like that, is there anything else I could do? like something that would feel more like a hug or holding them or something like that... but via text?

thanks, and hope you are having an awesome day

So full disclosure: I haven't actually roleplay sexted before myself so the only real experience I have to draw on would be from in-person scenes. For a lot of those there's been a general discussion between myself and my partner beforehand wrt what's the overall scene, who's taking on what role, and an agreement on the start or lead-up. In some cases we've literally just kicked things off by both saying "aaand go" (which is kind of funny I'll admit but hey it worked in the moment). There's nothing that says rp sexting can't be handled the same way. You could both agree on like a "starting phrase" (or a few, just stuff that would fit the roles) if you don't want to literally just ask "hey, you feeling up for this right now?" Your partner may even prefer a starting point like that because it more clearly blocks off the start of the scene, but exactly how subtle you should be with it would be something you'd probably want to discuss together beforehand because everyone's preferences are different.

As far as sexting aftercare goes, I can imagine it'd be just as important as physical aftercare (again, not drawing off experience myself but speaking more as someone who is a strong advocate of aftercare as a general sexual practice) and outside of direct questions like the one you mentioned, some other possible options could include sending them reassurance, comforting statements or praise, if sharing pictures is something you're comfortable with and have done that in the past then that's also an option because then they can feel like they are in that moment with you.

With in-person aftercare there's certain elements that can be considered sort of as standards, especially when it comes to physical damage, but with sexting the physical is less the concern and the focus is instead fully on the mental/emotional - and those are both areas where things can get highly subjective. My best advice here would be that when you go about negotiating the terms of the roleplay scene with your partner, that'd also be a good time to ask them what sort of things they would personally appreciate in terms of aftercare. You can let them know if you have some ideas in advance, but emphasize that you want to make sure the experience is tailored to their own individual needs and comfort.

I hope this helps anon, and that you have an awesome day as well!

[aolmer]

This is a short story about a person who is in a mental struggle with betrayal of friendship. It is up for how you want to interpret it. It is meant to express complex emotions that I think many people have but never claim or admit. I hope that by reading this it makes you think. I apologize for the weird format spacing but I'm not retyping all that on my phone and for whatever reason it won't let me put the paragraphs where they should be I did try. This is my first post and first short story I have ever wrote. Ok let's give it a go!!!

The Story's Tale

How funny it is, yet so heartbreaking to know. I wish I knew the whole story in advance. I did so very well, I tried, but I ignored it. My perception had blinded me; lost, I was wholly withdrawn and vulnerable, forever ignorant to its separate plot and focused solely on me.

My story tells a new but old, familiar tale. My own accord, it's always been just about me. I'm living each day by dawn and dusk, somehow always failing to see the plot in it all. I think you see it all so clearly - and you always have, silently blending in the shadows - but everything is just a blur to me. The vision of a perfect ending that I've longed for, my reflection in the mirror has since turned black.

Is this why you are so familiar to me? How did I not see it? Why was I so

foolish over who you are? How could I ever be anything that would show you something different? You saw it all along, so why did my novel bring you to read past chapter 1? You followed others when you knew the truth and saw the light; I could offer you nothing, yet you still remained by my side. I guess our curiosity will never end and we always have to know, but knowledge is half the battle when you can't answer things about yourself. Did you find your answer in the footprints of another’s steps? You had to know, silently standing in the distance, watching my mistakes unfold as I fell. You were the perfect ending, but you doubted it too long to truly see it.

Finding that sense of self-worth is a battle we all fight every day. You knew where it all went wrong, but at least now you can hum that old hymn your grandpa would sing every morning – the one that assured you that you were home, safe, and loved. A great feeling to experience once again, one you had

felt was gone forever. It's a good feeling to finally be where you belong; it brings a real smile to my face, the type I haven't had in a long while. A smile that I don't have to fake. This is why I call you the perfect ending. You were the answer I never found, as I never asked the right questions to end up where you are now. I can always tell a story - and some I'm more familiar with than my own - but like most, these tales still have a few pages missing. I know the book itself is at its most crucial part, just reaching its peak for that big moment, yet I still somehow miss it all.

Nevertheless, this moment of anger between us invariably buries itself into my peripatetic subconsciousness as an involuntary vicissitude that we carve our days around – which, in turn, unwillingly standardizes our lives as if we were meant to anticipate this occurrence and oblige. You saw it coming all along. Your vision couldn't be any clearer and I was too far away for my story to be heard the way it was meant.

My story tells itself with my time and pain, possessing me and portraying itself as a living entity, out on its own, ready to play the role of my life. Knowing all of my passions, all of my ambitions, and all of my wisdom, just to be used against me and viciously taken in haste, with no remorse or place for reconcile.

Still, the void in my heart, the purest form of malice cutting through flesh and straight to bone. I reach to take it all back with the very scourge of the story I never told. The things I've buried far too deeply that even it could never grasp. The words and agony were bitter and cursed, stabbing the heart like a thousand daggers with a twist, ensuring my pain was felt.

I will never know if I succeeded; I had retreated from the battle with myself and saw that I had lost myself for such a long time. I'm now so far beyond the years of sorrow and the attenuation of my soul. I've drowned myself in tears of contrition and reconciled myself to a sleepless reverie that means, even now on the

very still and tranquil new moon nights that tell this story so well, I lie awake.

All I wanted was for someone to care. I blamed anyone but myself for my mistakes. No mind so perfect could be this flawed. Now, somehow, I'm expected to know the stories I've never had the chance to hear coming from the people standing before me today, claiming they were told from long before. I could finally see the truth in you clearly, your value as a person; I see that I bid far too low. Why couldn't I see that I could have been a better friend and listened to you? You were the only one that never led me wrong, yet I still made it about me. I displayed a role of a teacher to a student, when in fact it was I who was being taught. I never meant for it to be that way and my intentions were pure of heart - in my head. It all felt right, but even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will put you in your place and show you just how wrong you are.

The years pass by and I see many people come and go. This repeating

cycle of memories, old and new, is the last honest, profound thought I had before losing myself within the empty strands of time itself.

I am so lost in my dreams as time moves forward. This very moment takes its shape as if that cycle never began. The cycle you created to help me get where I need to be, but I was too lost in my own creation and failing to put faith in anything but me. I have no reason to complain now at being completely alone; I had pushed them away, one by one. You were always there and I was selfish, so I thank you now too late, my dearest friend.

We stand now eye to eye, inhale to exhale, trading the same old stories we thought we knew so well - when, in fact, we never knew any of them at all. I should have listened closer. It was never about me. I wanted to be different and I was sure in thought, as if it was calculated precisely. I should have followed when you called, but instead I tried to lead, blinded by my

arrogance. With a last look upon each other, our eyes stared deeply into the very core of our souls.

The stories are way too real and yet so vastly different between us. We see that our blessings, once so virtuous, are now concealed in jagged and shattered glass, consumed with detest. The anticipation of a joyous ending has long departed, hence I blindly wrote my name into the ending with every letter nearly perfect, as if it were an oil painting. The story’s end had now laid its path before me. The one I should have taken was the one you showed me, so now this path I walk alone.

Our vastly different tales in this cycle shared the very same fate - yet different from another’s eyes, as if it was only my blood that shed. We both took our departing breath and this became a story in itself, as we all fear facing death. The blink of an eye; the only thing we ever acknowledged as real in our lives lasted only a matter of minutes. I had missed my only chance. It was then, at

last, that our stories finally read the same. Peacefully, we drifted into an endless sea of thought, with nowhere to be and our minds laid to rest. Even that perfect ending truly wasn't as you thought it would be. A place we always end up as every road we take leads to the same place. A place where the words never mattered in the stories and our tales were left untold. These stories can't be put into words – we can’t tell the tale we don’t know how to read and explain.

The scream of a thousand words is all that we hear and as we speak, our utterance is breathless, drowned out in the sound of it all. It is pointless to speak at all, as those words were never said with your wasted breath. You were silent long before, just playing with the words you had left unsaid. Perhaps those words would have made a difference now. You always knew when it served to speak, a skill I should now learn. That’s why everyone listens when you do - of course, everyone but me. It pains me and

sorry can't be said, so it just becomes another word added to the thousand-word scream I hear every day in my head. I had missed it all and you showed me where to go, but the words you chose to speak left me to drown alone.

The novel slowly closes as it flips through the last few pages, left blank; as I drift into an eternal slumber, where I don't have to stay awake. Now is the moment I've sought so long, drifting apart from within as the epilogue gives closure. We know, at last, that the book was read.

It's such a shame I was too late. The silence is now so loud it's deafening. I wish for a moment where the thousand words would scream, as this silence has stripped away the last part of what I knew as me. At last we could see it as one. The first time to open my eyes - and perhaps the last, but at least we can see it honestly, one time, for all that it is. We can hear the most beautiful song ever written as the sounds of the silence breaks and

dissipates, returning the thousand word screams we could hear in our head. You now have joined me as we fade away into a void of black.

From my perspective, at least once, we may both see the light in all its glory. That feeling, the release, the peaceful hymns we heard as children that woke us every day - that we hated so much. Now those songs lead our way as the black fades away. A wonderful life we have yet to create, as we all missed something this crucial along the way. It was far from our time, but can't you see that you need me as much as I need you? We have to see the same light, even when it's different, as no one can see very well in the dark.

Being alive is the only thing that I'll never understand, but it feels so good to be back home. I haven’t seen that smile from you, my friend, for forever and a day. Can we take a walk together, one last time, but you lead the way this time? It's not a surprise for me to see you shake your head to answer no. We begin to walk along side by side. I had almost missed it all again and can't ever seem to get

it right. Now I see that you continue to shake your head to answer no, still never saying words unless necessary. I fall silent as well and continue to walk by your side, thinking about the days that lie ahead and all the life I had left to live. It feels good to walk by my friend once again.

Where does this feeling come from? But maybe it’s only a moment we had forgotten. Is this why you are so famiiar to me? What led you to read past chapter one with me? I finally knew the answer to the questions where it all began - and when it occurred, I could finally see that it's not hard to understand. I had it right all along, but I never had the pen to write it down. I focused on the things that made life hard, then on these moments when I would be sure to have a pen to write it down. As I take this walk with my friend, the days are all familiar; the good and the bad create the same old stories our parents read before us. You had to compromise and learn as

well, taking the lead when your bell rang and speaking more so I never got left behind. It was never hard to understand, but we had both missed so much. You can't live life thinking that your story is something new - that was my biggest flaw. The drowning of my being shy at your helping hand.

Everyone's story is a chapter in a book, but even when that story is different, it still reads and ends the same way. Without sharing our stories, the book can never be read. The story to know is the easiest one to get and our life writes it down as we go, adding another chapter to its pages. Now we make the perfect beginning and end.

I walk now with my friend by my side, a moment to be cherished. It's good to know that, regardless of what happens, no one’s story is different - it all begins and ends the same. The best stories always come from those that are heard and those we create. It truly is a great day to hear your voice again, to hear our voices together at

last. We both know where the road leads now, so which direction shall we go? Like a river we flowed, letting our will guide where we went as we walked along the way, sharing all of the stories we had left unsaid from the beginning to the end of all our days. That familiar feeling, the wonderul feeling you get at the start of a new chaper. We have read this once before, my friend, and it’s a great day to start again. The same old stories we would always tell, but we never wrote in ink.

The End

@givethispromptatry

[hyeri-yah]

No way!!! International studies is so so cool! Could I ask you to just ramble about your favorite parts of it/about it? I've been considering it myself and haven't met anyone taking it on here! 😁 Also, what are you doing with it/hope to do! Hope you're having a great start to the week! 💕

this actually made me giggle!! let’s see...hmmm...International Relations isn’t really a popular major, but I do assure you it’s incredibly interesting!! I’m sure there are differences in the course material since I’m living in the Philippines, and it would be different anywhere else in the world (esp in regards to subjs relating to your country and its foreign policies). But I’ll list things I really love about this degree!! I’m gonna put a read more bc it’s kinda long lmaoooo

HISTORY!! POLITICS!! CULTURE!! OBSCURE GEOPOLITICAL THEORIES NO ONE REALLY HAS HEARD ABOUT EXCEPT FOR PROBABLY GERRYMANDERING!!

i’ll just say it, im a history nerd. I like reading world history and knowing how things happened and why. I think it’s pretty cool. I like reading about politics, how things just connect after you’ve realized the bigger picture. Culture is nice too, and it’s actually one of the best parts of this major!! Also you get to learn at least one language!!!

 And then here comes the theories. There are a lot of them and they can come in all shapes, sizes and forms, and most of the time, they’re kind of too “out-there” to actually make sense. But when you could finally understand what the authors are trying to say (bc political book authors are sometimes not the best writers... fck u Heywood...), it’s such a rewarding epiphany.

The thing about this course is that, you shouldn’t take it if you’re not interested in these kinds of things because it could get reallyyyyyy boring. While I do love the topic, i have to admit I might’ve slept in class a few times.

MEETING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE!!

This is the course that I actually met Leanne, who is one of my most trusted and closest friend ever. We just clicked, especially with our opinion on things and our love for History and Politics!!! We actually share our thoughts a lot of times, and we often stay talking for so many hours bc we just have a lot of things to share lmaoooo She’s really interested about Israel and the Middle East, while I have a lot of thoughts on East Asia. 

It depends on your batch tho. Our classmates on the other hand seemed like they wanted to be somewhere else. They’re not particularly interested in the subject, and was just working hard for the grades. It’s understandable but a bit disappointing that only Leanne, Me, and another guy who’s pretty much proclaimed himself as a communist are the only ones who seemed to be enjoying. 

MORE POLITICSSSSSSS

I really like how this course had widened my perspective on things, especially with how society has become more politically active. I used to be so vocal about my opinions, but after graduating, I just realized I often only know one side of things, and I shouldn’t really be too hasty/harsh with my words or even share them at all, when I don’t really know anything. 

Contrary to popular belief, it’s up to you if you wanna go to the route of political activism, and you will definitely encounter it at university. I myself can’t handle it bc it affects my mental health so badly, I’d rather not do something triggering. 

But!!! But!! But!! THIS COURSE ACTUALLY HELPED ME A LOT WITH WORLDBUILDING IN MY STORIES!! Since I’ve been learning a lot about countries/nations and how they work and why they do the things they do, I can use the same theories to make my own worlds more realistic in a sense. 

I usually follow something like a Dialectic Materialism triangle (i heard it was by Marx but not sure!!! i dont wanna google at 2AM anymore) which explains that society’s decisions/inclinations/preferences are determined by its economics. It makes sense in a diagram hahahha I use it to make sense of why people in my stories think they way they do!! 

Even if you were asking me about what I love about this, I’m not sure I can say anything without telling you the bad sides of it. Like I said, if topics like Politics, History, Economics, Theories, etc. doesn’t interest you, you really shouldn’t take this course. The same thing happened to our classmates. It’ll be like living hell. Because it’s not an easy major, even I hate it sometimes. You always have to read and read and read!! The course doesn’t stop at the material/book given. You gotta hit the library and find books about certain topics and follow the daily national and international news. It’s still a habit of mine I’ve brought to this day!!

The professors are shrewd, strict and downright mean (in our case), which I dont blame them for. The Diplomatic corps is a freakin hellhole if you’re not prepared to take in all the stress of constant work, anxiety of not making up to the standard (which is pretty high), and the whole dynamic and ever-changing nature of the tasks, you’re gonna go crazy. And I mean it not in the metaphorical sense. I was intern at our foreign ministry and I’ve heard stories. 

But, that’s only if you plan on joining the Diplomatic corps lmaoooooo the major is such a worthwhile thing to take! It widens your perspective, and makes you more open to different political opinions ( i mean, you get to understand why people believe the things they do, because it is determined by a lot of factors), and it’s super helpful in my writing!!!

Finallyyyy,,,this major taught me something I always abide to now: “Cool head, Warm Hearts”

I think I’ll end it here!!!! If you have any more questions, feel free to hit me up again!!! Thanks for asking this hahahahha I really enjoyed going down memory lane ksksksks 

[jannepaule]

Work in Progress ♡

When I had my first Practical Magic reading last December, relationship is an area of my life that I opted not to discuss. To be honest, I really wanted to ask about it but the logical part of my head tells me that it shouldn't be a priority right now, so I let it took the backseat and I asked about the more important things like career and goals.

Hence here I am going to indulge a little. I'm hesitant to write about this one, moreso publishing it because it's opening up vulnerable territories that some people would rather avoid, myself included-- but opening up is what I need to do (per advice 😉)

It's been a while since my last relationship; naturally I want to start dating again (admitting this makes me cringe, you should know that) but I remind myself not to rush, to trust God's timing, and to make sure that my heart is in the right place. Because as ready and as whole this beating part of me may seem, there is so much internal work to do and this is me being completely honest with myself.

It's easy to fall in love and I am sure whoever that person is going to be,  I can and I will love him with everything I got and my overflowing heart.  However it's a lot easier to lose yourself in someone when you don't have a clear map of who you are. It's a blackhole I got myself into in the past  and I ain't going back.

For the last couple of years I've been telling myself that I am still a work in progress, but sometimes you just really need another person to say things to your face; the practical magic reading did that for me. Thanks to Chinggay ♡

My scatterbrain is firing up so many ideas right now about this topic that I'm not sure how it's gonna end but let's see it through.

While I believe that we deserve to be loved even when we’re still in the process of becoming whole (I read this somewhere, forgot who said it) there's this beautiful mantra that I really try to practice from Jennifer Elisabeth:

"I want to be the best version of myself for anyone who is going to someday walk into my life and need someone to love them beyond reason"

Most of all, I want to be the best version of myself for me so I coud love those I hold dear to my heart the way they need me to, so I could take care of them better and for a long time (family and friends, my biggest blessings).

It is such a powerful piece that sparks joy and inspiration whenever I feel rushing and being impatient. A gentle tap  to my true intentions and reminder that I am just beginning to shape who I really am or at least the person I want and need to be.

I am in so many ways a work in progress. And progress, as James Clear described in his book Atomic Habits, "... requires unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs, and to upgrade and expand your identity."

(and yes I am the kind of person who quotes a lot from the stuff I read/watch/listen to and tether my writing to it)

The term "best version" of one's self almost seemed like a misnomer, that anybody's best version is relative since we are constantly changing, becoming one thing and unlearning another. Still I'd like to see it  in a way that we are the best version of who we are for a period of time and we continuously to grow from there.

I am a work in progress in terms of career, finances, purpose and choices, relationships-- with myself, with others, but more importantly with the Lord.

Working on my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being requires a certain level of commitment. I need to focus, to be disciplined, and to be patient with my pace.

As I call this year a planting season, I am grounding myself to my core values and morals.

Little by little, I am forming better standards, a set of non-negotiables. I am training myself to feel the wide spectrum of emotions without being consumed by it. I am practicing to speak my mind more. I am learning my priorities, what I like and don't like out of relationships, how to trust the process, and respecting space for growth.

I still haven't figured much of the details of the kind of woman I want to be but I know exactly who I do not want to become and what kind of person I never want to end up with. I don't want to turn into someone whose happiness and self worth is perched on someone else's opinion.

I want to be best version of myself because I want to deserve the right person when he comes along with the love I've always hoped to have: certain, secure and unconditional. So I'd never settle for anyone who'd treat me like shit.

I want to be the best version of myself because that is what the person I am going to love (and hopefully spend the rest of my life with) truly deserves.

I want to be the best version myself for the people God graciously blessed me with so I could give back the love they have been giving me and so much more.

Out of the many, many wonderful lessons and tweetable quotes I heard from #AdultingWithJoycePring podcast, this one from Aaron Atayde is my favorite and I guess it's also the best way to wrap this post up:

"Don't be with somebody that makes you whole, be with somebody that makes you a whole lot better"

It's about becoming your own person first, so you wouldn't need another person to complete you but rather compliment the kind of beautiful sould you already are.

In case someone finds me while I'm in this process and loves me anyway, I'd be really grateful. Otherwise, let's meet when we're both ready for each other-- in God's perfect time. For now I'm just gonna keep hustling.

Here's to becoming the best version of who we are ♡