#and i STILL think about that shit daily. he would think it was appropriate and either bear that shit stoic or lose his goddamn mind

[yeonzzzn]

🤍give up heaven: sunghoon

pairing: sunghoon x afab!reader word count: 10.6k

synopsis: when you run into your best friend's ex-boyfriend at your favorite coffee shop thinking it was just a coincidence until seeing him became a daily thing. You can't get him out of your head and start to feel guilty at the very thought of him and things take a turn when he starts making advances towards you.

genre: hockey player!hoon with small mentions of figure skater!hoon, ex-bestfriend bf!hoon, hoon's ex-girlfriend best friend, friends to lovers, slight smut.

warnings: swearing, implied sex, make-out session, fingering, jerking off, verbal fight between reader, the ex, and sunghoon, MINORS DNI. lmk if i've missed anything!

You tried to avert your eyes when you saw him walk into the coffee shop. Pulling the scarf around your neck up higher and turning your face in the opposite direction. 

His voice echoed throughout the small shop, ordering his regular drink. Why do you still remember how he liked his coffee?

You slowly glanced up, his back was facing towards you, his hand reaching for his wallet from the back pocket of his blue jeans. 

After paying, he stepped back from the counter. You quickly turned your head away again, praying he didn’t see you or would even notice you. 

“Y/N?” 

Well, shit.

There's no point in hiding now. You slowly lifted your head, seeing the soft smile on his face as he slightly leaned to the side to get a look at your face, “It really is you.” 

You awkwardly smile, “Yes, it’s me.” 

Get your shit together, Y/N, come on.

He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped short when his name was called, “Sunghoon! Your iced coffee is ready!” 

“Be right back,” his knuckles tapped on the table, his smile growing. 

You carefully watched as he got his coffee and made his way back to your table, pulling the chair across from you out and seating himself. 

“How have you been?” he asked excitedly, his long fingers wrapping around his coffee, taking a small sip, “It’s been what? A year?” 

You nodded, wrapping your fingers around your warm coffee, “I see you still drink iced coffee even during the winter, some things never change huh?” 

Sunghoon softly chuckled, his smile just growing brighter and wider, his natural fangs peeking from his lips, “Everyone knows iced coffee is superior,” he leaned his elbows onto the table, “Your hair is longer, it looks good. You look good.” 

You smiled, “Thank you, you look really good as well, Sunghoon.” 

Sunghoon gave you a soft smirk and flexed his arms, “Why thank you! Been working out a lot lately.” 

You rolled your eyes and took another sip of your coffee, “You really haven’t changed.” 

His laugh was enough to make you laugh as well, the corners of your lips curving upwards no matter how hard you tried to push it down. 

It felt like old times. 

Speaking about old times…

His smile finally faded, the happy expression he once had was also gone, his face relaxing into a kinda of sad softness. 

His voice trembled, “How is uhh…how is she?” his eyes darted to the corner of the table. 

Oh…he’s still in love with her.

Your lips thinned into a line, trying to figure out what information was appropriate to give out. 

“She’s really good.” it wasn’t a total lie. 

Sunghoon nodded, the corner of his lips barely curling, “That’s… um…that’s good then. I’m glad she’s doing well.” 

It broke your heart that he couldn’t even say your best friend's name. It must still hurt even after a year. 

Sunghoon dated your best friend for almost three years. You remember when the two of you first met him at your college's hockey game. 

He bumped into the two of you, spilling his soda all down your best friend's outfit. Oh, man was she pissed. It didn’t take Sunghoon long to convince her to let him make it up to her. 

After that, they were inseparable. 

Sunghoon was a part of the hockey team, but due to a leg injury, he had to sit out until he was completely healed. But that didn’t stop him from attending every hockey game to support his teammates. He even dragged your best friend along with him. Which eventually led you to tag along as well. 

The three of you became that trio that was inseparable. A package deal. If you saw one of us, the other two were sure to be right behind. 

Everything was perfect until it wasn’t. Their relationship got toxic. They fought more than normally and on hangout days, either your best friend was missing, or Sunghoon was missing. Nothing felt right and the air between your friend group grew thick. Hard to breathe. 

Sunghoon eventually stopped talking to you, and then they broke up. Your best friend stopped hanging around you and slowly stopped speaking to you as well. You figured it was due to the heartbreak, that she just needed her space. You didn’t think it would lead to your friendship slowly becoming nonexistent. 

You two weren’t exactly best friends anymore, but after she healed from the breakup, she came back around. It just wasn’t the same as before Sunghoon came into the picture. 

You two still barely talk, and barely see each other, but still kept that contact and hung out when you could. 

You never understood why she pushed you away, but the heart does crazy things when it’s hurting. 

And you haven’t seen Sunghoon since a couple of months before the breakup, until today. A little over a year later. 

“Well,” Sunghoon’s voice brought you out of your deep thoughts, “I have to get going, need to catch practice.” 

Your eyebrows raised, “You’re playing still?” 

Sunghoon’s doctor finally cleared him to get back on the ice after almost a year of being off it, but due to the team setup they had at that time, he wasn’t able to fully rejoin the team again until around the time of the breakup. He was able to practice and attend the games as a sub if needed, but it was enough for him to keep his mind busy for a little bit. 

You’ve secretly kept up with the scores of the hockey team, knowing Sunghoon was back on the team officially. But after a while you quit. Clearing Sunghoon from your life completely. 

Sunghoon nodded, “Hell yeah I’m still playing, who do you think I am?” he teased, standing up from the table, “But, I am actually not going to hockey practice.” 

The surprise must have shown on your face because Sunghoon was giggling like a child at your confusion, “I joined an ice skating team as a figure skater.” 

You sat up straighter in your chair, “Since when?!”

“Since…well.” He tucked his bottom lip between his teeth, it was all you needed to know. 

Being a sub on the hockey team eventually wasn’t enough for Sunghoon to keep his brain busy after the breakup. Until he was officially able to play again, he needed another distraction. Come to find out he loved figure skating as much as hockey, deciding even after being fully back on the hockey team, he kept up with figure skating as well. 

You slowly nodded, “I am really glad you’re doing well for yourself, Sunghoon.” 

He softly nodded back, “Thank you, Y/N. I have to get going, the ice is calling my name.”

You waved at him as he walked to the entrance, him turning back around as his back touched the doors, “It was nice seeing you!” 

You agreed. 

—

Your best friend sighed as another customer walked into the smoothie shop, holding up her index finger towards you as she walked away and up to the register, taking the customer's order. 

You leaned against the counter, moving the seat back and forth with your hips like a child. 

“Okay,” she said, returning to you after the customer's smoothie was made, “What were you telling me?” 

“Just that the materials you missed in bio today weren't too hard. I took extra notes for you,” you pulled into your backpack taking out the pretty iced blue folder, “Here they are!” you pulled out the stack of notes you made for her, her taking them and holding them to her chest.

“Thank you SO MUCH YN!!!” she placed the papers in a drawer under the counter, “I could kiss you right now. What would I do without you?” 

Probably survive perfectly fine since you had no problem cutting me off after you and Sunghoon broke up. 

You shrugged with a smile, “Fail bio.” 

She laughed and nodded, “Yeah, probably. But I have you to help keep me in the loop!” 

You honestly hated how the two of you could go DAYS sometimes even WEEKS without talking or seeing each other yet she has no problem acting as if nothing ever happened. 

But she was all you had, so you played along with her. 

You dropped your backpack onto the floor, wondering if telling her the other thing was right or wrong. 

You decided to anyway. 

“I also saw Sunghoon the other day.” 

Her movements slowed and her smile faded, “Is that so?” 

You nodded, “We talked for a couple of minutes, but he had to go practice, so it was a short moment.” 

You could see the gears were turning in her brain, “Practice? Guess he was able to get back on the team after all. That’s good at least.” 

“He actually is figure skating now too, that’s where he was headed.” 

Your best friend’s eyes widened, “Wow, I did not see that one coming.” 

You agreed, “It was definitely not something I’d expected Park Sunghoon to do, but I guess it kinda suits him.” 

Your friend nodded, seeing how deep in thought she was. 

You wanted to ask her to speak her mind, but unfortunately, the two of you weren’t that close anymore. 

A couple more customers walked in, sending her back away from you. 

You stood from the seat, grabbing your things, giving her a smile and wave as you walked out. You only came to give her the notes she missed anyway. 

Usually, when she skips out of class she gets the notes from one of the boys she’s secretly messing around with. But every blue moon she asks you. 

You guessed it was the only way to keep in contact with you in some way. 

—

You quickly stepped into the coffee shop, brushing off the slight snow from your hair, ready to get a sip of your favorite coffee. 

The barista noticed you, giving you his famous thumbs-up, “Already on it YN!” 

You gave him a thumbs-up back. You were so happy you discovered this place, it became one of your comfort places to be. It’s quiet enough to do homework or read, the coffee is amazing and all the baristas know you and your order. What isn’t there to love?

“Fancy seeing you here again,” you whipped around, seeing Sunghoon sitting in your usual spot, a book in his hands and his iced coffee half empty on the table. 

Your brain spasmed, what was he doing here again?

You just nodded, “You’re in my spot.” 

Sunghoon shrugged, “I can move?” 

Well shit, now you feel bad. 

You shook your head, “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind sharing.” 

Sunghoon smiled, eyes flickering back down to his book. 

The barista called your name, turning your attention back to him, “Thank you, Taehyun.” 

His sharky smile warms your heart, “Always,” his eyes darted over to Sunghoon then back to you, “Do you know him?” 

You sighed, “Yes, he’s an old friend.” 

Taehyun nodded, his tongue sliding into his cheek, “He’s been here every day since the last time you were here.” 

You froze, narrowing your eyes, “Honestly?” 

Taehyun nodded again, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay and that he wasn’t some creep.” 

You smiled softly at him, “No need to worry. He’s harmless.” 

Taehyun gave you a half smile, then walked off to finish working. 

You sat down in front of Sunghoon, his eyes not leaving the page of his book. 

You cleared your throat, taking a sip of your coffee. 

Sunghoon glanced up for a second at your throat clearing, “Yes?” 

You cupped your hands around your coffee, “What?” 

Sunghoon sighed and closed his book, setting it on the table, “You only clear your throat like that when you have something to say.” 

Damn, does he remember the small details of you?

“You remember that?” 

Sunghoon chuckled, picking up his iced coffee, “YN, I’ve known you for almost, what? five years? You think I’d just forget everything?” 

Well, no…just didn’t think you’d care enough to remember. you didn’t date me after all. 

All you could do was shrug, “My barista told me you’ve been here every day,”

Sunghoon raised a brow as he sipped on his coffee, finishing it off, “Your barista?” 

“Not like that!” you snapped quietly, wishing you could jump over the table and tackle him, “I’m a regular here, Taehyun just happens to be the barista who always takes care of me.” 

Sunghoon mouthed out a “wow” and leaned back into the seat, “First name bases too?” 

“Sunghoon,” his name falling off your lips felt foreign, mostly since you were speaking to him, “Why are you here every day?” 

He thinned out his lips into a line, eyes looking down at his Converse, “Been looking for a good coffee shop to regular, and this one surprised me when I first came in here. You just so happened to be here the day I decided to try it.”

That sounds…completely true. This coffee shop is incredible. You don’t blame him for wanting to become a regular. It was all a coincidence. 

You sipped down your coffee, feeling the stare of his eyes, “Yes?” 

“So back to Taehyun being your barista,” 

You laughed, kicking your leg into his shin, “Stop!” 

Sunghoon’s fangs slipped out as he smiled. 

—

Sunghoon’s appearance in the coffee shop became more regular, just like he said. 

Taehyun knew his order by heart, just like yours, and would always have it ready the moment he saw Sunghoon walk in. 

You had to admit, it felt good having him back in your life. It felt like old times when you’d hang out when your best friend was too busy working. You three all used to be so close. 

Yet you didn’t have the heart to tell her you were even hanging out with Sunghoon again. It technically wasn’t even hanging out, you two just happened to sit, talk, and drink coffee together at your favorite coffee shop. 

Another week has flown by with Sunghoon making his appearance at the shop.

You laughed together over a book you both read, Sunghoon feeling Taehyun’s eyes on you. 

You stood up, “I’m heading to the bathroom,” 

Sunghoon nodded, his eyes darting to Taehyun, watching him as he watched you walk to the bathroom. A small sigh escaped Taehyun’s lips. 

Taehyun then made eye contact with him, and the look he was giving Sunghoon made him clench his fists. 

Your return to the table had Sunghoon relaxing, and Taehyun returning to work. 

Sunghoon couldn’t take his eyes off you. He felt so at home in your presence. His mind telling him to tell you the truth, that you deserved to know. But the moment you locked eyes with him and the corners of your lips curled into that precious smile, he couldn’t do it. 

“What’s up?” you asked, “You’re deep in thought?” 

“Ahh…” Sunghoon tried to collect his thoughts, then quickly smiled, settling on the topic change, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” you thought about it, “I just have class, why?” 

“Come to my hockey practice tomorrow night.” 

That invite took you by surprise, “Huh?” 

Sunghoon smiled even more, leaning forward on the table, “Come watch my practice tomorrow. Please?”

You tried to find an excuse to get out of it, but nothing came to mind. How could you just show up to your best friend’s ex-boyfriend’s hockey practice?

“The guys would love to see you, I bet.” Sunghoon mentioning his friends only hit you in the heart harder, “Come on, YN, just like old times.” 

Without a second thought, you agreed. Not knowing exactly why, but feeling as if it would be okay. It was just hockey practice. 

He jumped up from the table, “I have to get to figure skating practice, is your phone number still the same?”

You nodded, heart beating faster at hearing he still had your phone number. 

With a jump away from the table and a small skip, he said, “I’ll text you the details!” 

—

Sunghoon twirled his hockey stick in hand, eyes darting to each entrance of the stadium.

Heeseung skated past, quickly stopping in front of him, eyes also following each entrance, “Brother, what are you looking at?”

Sunghoon snaps his attention at Heeseung, his mouth open to speak, but no words coming out. 

“He’s waiting for YN,” Jay says as he also skates past, skating a circle around them. 

Sunghoon rolled his eyes, “Dude.” 

Jay smirked, “Should’ve kept your mouth shut.” 

“Clearly, that’s the last time I tell you anything,” Sunghoon said, sliding his helmet over his head. 

Heeseung raised a brow, “Wait you’re speaking to YN again?” 

Sunghoon just nodded, “Yeah. We umm, ran into each other at a coffee shop.” 

“Yeah, “ran into each other”, we’ll call it that.” Jay teased, leaning forward on his hockey stick. 

“Shut the fuck up or I’ll kick your stick from you and laugh when you hit the ice,” Sunghoon said with a snarky smile. 

“Woah now!” Jay said, holding his hand up, “You’re a figure skater now, can’t be talking like that anymore.” 

Sunghoon skated forward, Jay also scooted backward sticking his tongue out. 

Heeseung seemed to be the only one who was concerned, “How did the three of you make up?” 

Sunghoon awkwardly chuckled, “You mean the two of us…”

Heeseung looked at his friend confused, “You and—“

“No,” Sunghoon quickly shook his head, “We aren’t talking.” 

Heeseung just nodded, finally putting the pieces together, “Sorry for assuming that you rekindled with both of them.” 

Sunghoon swung his hockey stick around again, “Just YN. And from what I’ve noticed, the two of them aren’t really friends anymore.”

It didn’t take long for Sunghoon to figure it out. The way it used to be, his ex would always talk about you, and you would always talk about his ex. The two of you were inseparable. A package deal. With one you got the other. And the fact that you haven’t once brought her up over the last week that he’s started talking to you again, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that she also pushed you away after the breakup. 

Heeseung just nodded, “Do you blame them?” Sunghoon just looked at him, not knowing what to say, “YN doesn’t know, does she?” 

Sunghoon shook his head, “No, and she won’t.” 

“Hoon-“

“I am not ready to tell her,” Sunghoon snapped, “I finally got one of my closest friends back, I don’t want to cross that bridge.” 

Heeseung sighed and nodded, “Okay man, just don’t get butt hurt when it backfires at you.” 

Sunghoon knew this secret could backfire on him, he wasn’t stupid. But it was worth the risk. 

“I’m going to see if she texted me,” he said, “Just in case she said he couldn’t make it.” 

Heeseung watched as Sunghoon skated off towards his gym bag. 

Dropping his gloves to the ice and carefully stepping off the ice, he sat down on the bench, opened his gym bag, and pulled out his phone, quickly finding your messages and seeing you’ve read his last text. 

Sunghoon felt stupid getting his hopes up. What did he think inviting you would do? 

I just wanted her back in my life again. 

He tossed his phone back in the bag and stepped back onto the ice, pulling his gloves back onto his hands. 

I’m so fucking pathetic. 

Sunghoon adjusted his gloves, now waiting for practice to start. 

Jay whistled at him, causing a glare to shoot from his eyes.

Jay tilted his head up, “Look.” 

Sunghoon turned back around, seeing you walking in, your arms wrapped tightly around you. 

He couldn’t stop the smile that formed on his face, immediately skating in your direction. 

“You made it!” he said, sliding his helmet from his head. 

You smiled back, nodding, “Sorry that I am a bit late, my class got out later.” 

You walked up to the wall Sunghoon was now leaning against, his helmet resting on top of it. 

“You showed up, and that’s all that matters,” Sunghoon couldn’t hide how happy it made him that you were here right now. 

You nodded again, smiling wide back at him, “It’s cold as balls in here though!” 

Sunghoon pointed over to his gym bag, “I have my hockey varsity jacket in my bag, wear it if you get too cold.” 

“I am definitely going to wear it,” you shivered, “I forgot how cold it gets in here.” 

The memory of the last time he saw you replayed in his mind, it was during a hockey game. His team was a couple of points away from winning. Sunghoon and his ex were too busy fighting off on the side of the bleachers, her stomping away not wanting to finish the conversation. His eyes wandered over to you, the sad look you gave him broke his heart even more. Your heart was also breaking due to watching your closest friends tear each other apart. All Sunghoon could do was shove his hands into his hoodie pocket and walk out of the stadium. 

He watched as you walked over to his things, your hands immediately reaching for the jacket and sliding it onto your body. 

Oh fuck I am a goner. 

Sunghoon loved the way you looked in his jacket. The way it loosely hangs against your body. How cute it made you look. His heart dropped onto the ice. 

Your body started warming up a bit more, sliding your hands into his jacket pockets. Your eyes traced the other players on the ice. Jay and Heeseung waving at you. You waved back. Gosh, you couldn’t remember the last time you saw either of them. 

You’ve seen them out and about around the college, but not so personally like this. It’s been way too long. 

Sunghoon skated back over to his friends and teammates. 

“It’s weird seeing her again,” Jay said, watching you sit down, eyes wandering around the stadium, “Mostly seeing her without her twin at her hip. She looks really good though,” 

Jay was lucky Sunghoon was in a better mood than earlier, or else he’d be wiping the ice with Jay’s face, “Can we not talk about my ex, please, and she does look good. Eyes off.” 

Jay wanted to make a smart remark, but with a quick look at Sunghoon and then you, he decided to leave the teasing off the ice, giving him a nod, “Yeah, sorry man.” 

Their coach finally started practice. 

It went by in a flash. You waited outside the stadium for Sunghoon, his jacket still wrapped around your body. 

“Well, what did you think of our practice?” Sunghoon said, sneaking up on you, and giving you a little jolt. 

“It was very interesting, you played well.” 

Sunghoon walked closer to you, his hands reaching up to fix the collar of his jacket, his cold fingers brushing against your skin, “My jacket looks really good on you.” 

Your heart sank. 

Is he…flirting???

“Oh, shoot!” you tried to play it off as if you forgot, wanting to find an excuse for the blush on your face to go away after his comment, reaching to take the jacket off, “Here, I forgot I was still wearing it.” 

Sunghoon grabbed your hands and shoved them back at your side, “YN, keep it.” 

“But—“ 

Sunghoon interrupted, “It’s okay! I promise! Just keep it for now, okay? I have another jacket I can wear.” 

You nodded, feeling your body getting hot from his hands still touching yours. 

Why are you getting so bothered??? You’ve known him for years. Why is every little thing he’s doing affecting you???

“Anyways,” he said, finally letting go of your hands, “We have a game this weekend, you’ll come right?” 

You wouldn’t mind going, it could be an excuse to get you out of your apartment for once and not just sit at the coffee shop either. 

“Yeah, I’ll come.”

Sunghoon smiled, his eyes darting to the ground to try and hide just how big he was smiling, “I’ll save you a ticket.” 

—

You walked into the shop, giving Taehyun a smile and wave. Giving you the normal thumbs up. 

You dropped your backpack to the floor at your normal table and slumped down into the seat with a sigh. 

“Rough day?” Sunghoon asked, his yellow highlighter moving across his textbook. 

You nodded, “I forgot to set my alarms last night, so I woke up late and got to class late. On top of that I had to take double the notes because…” you stopped yourself, not wanting to bring your best friend's name into the mix. 

Sunghoon stopped highlighting, he didn’t even have to hear her name to know what you were going to say, his eyes slowly rising to meet yours, “You’re still taking notes for her?” 

You just shrugged, “Maybe…” 

“YN,” he dropped his highlighter into the textbook, “You need to stop doing that.”

You didn’t know how to respond. Mostly because you knew he was right. She was just using you at this point. 

Taehyun interrupted your thoughts by setting your coffee down in front of you, “Tae! I could have gotten it from you.” 

His cute sharky smile came out, “Don’t worry about it, I don’t ever get to bring the coffee to you. Plus I needed to get away from behind the counter.” 

You smiled up at him, “Thank you.” 

Taehyun rested his hand on your shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze, “It’s no problem at all, YN.” 

Sunghoon clenched his fists under the table, eyes burning holes into his hand that was touching you. 

As Taehyun walked away, he locked eyes with Sunghoon as if to say “Your move now, buddy.” 

Oh, I’ll play your game, Taehyun. 

“He totally has a crush on you.” Sunghoon spat out. 

You softly giggled, “Who? Tae? No,” you giggled again, taking a sip of your coffee, “He’s just a good friend.” 

Sunghoon rubbed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, eyes darting back to Taehyun who was now back behind the counter, “I can see it in the way he looks at you.” 

You rolled your eyes. He sounds jealous. 

You glanced up at him, seeing how he kept his eyes on Taehyun. 

Oh, he’s…actually jealous??? No. It couldn’t be. He’s still in love with his ex.

You shook the thoughts from your head, deciding to change the subject, “Are you ready for the game tomorrow?” 

Sunghoon’s eyes made their way back to you, his face relaxing and a small smile formed, “Yes, you’re still coming…right?” 

You nodded, “I wouldn’t miss it,” you took another sip of your coffee, “Wasn’t able to see you play back then, so I’m excited to see you play now.” 

Hearing you say that warmed his heart. Knowing you’ll be in the crowd cheering for him and only him. He had to make sure he was on his ‘a game’ tomorrow. 

“Make sure to wear my jacket tomorrow,” Sunghoon gave you a wink, picking his highlighter back up and continuing where he left off. 

You giggled, “Why? What will your jacket do? Bring good luck?” 

Sunghoon chuckled, stretching the highlighter across the words on the textbook, “It has an S.H. and my last name on the back,” he glanced back up at you, “And you know, yeah, you wearing my jacket will bring good luck. You’ll be my good luck charm.” 

Sunghoon took notice of the slight blush on your cheeks, his smile growing more as he looked back to his textbook. 

God, she’s so cute. 

You tried to slow your heart rate. Why is he making you feel like this? 

“It’s getting kinda late,” Sunghoon’s voice pulls you from your thoughts, “Are you hungry? Want to grab a bite to eat? Then I can walk you to your apartment?”

You nodded. 

You weren’t sure what these butterflies in your stomach meant, but it made you feel guilty for even having them. 

—

It was game day and your nerves were all tied together in a knot. 

You took one last look at your outfit in your mirror, fingers twisting in the belt loops of your ripped skinny jeans, pulling them up further above your hips. 

Your college’s hockey team t-shirt had a small hole at the bottom of the shirt, which was to be expected. This was an old shirt and you haven’t worn it since the last game you attended…the night Sunghoon pushed you out of his life. 

Your black high-top vans looked like they’ve seen better days, but looked good with the outfit. 

Grabbing a hair tie from your vanity, you pulled your long hair back, wrapping the tie around it, just to pull it out right after.  

You tried different hairstyles, not liking a single one. 

Why do I even care how my hair looks? 

You settled for a ponytail, deciding it’s what matched the outfit better. 

The last final piece was Sunghoon’s jacket, pulling it over your shoulders. You turned around in the mirror, glancing back to see his initials on the back. 

“You’ll be my good luck charm.” 

You caught yourself smiling at the memory, bringing the hems of the jacket up to your nose, breathing in the smell. 

It still smelt like him, even after you’ve had it for the last couple of days. The familiar smell of blackberry and floral filled your senses. 

His scent brought you comfort, the knot of nerves unraveling and disappearing. 

While the nerves found their way out, other feelings crept their way in. 

Your heart raced faster, thinking about the smile on Sunghoon’s face he’d have when he saw you. 

The more thoughts of him that flooded your brain, the more guilty you felt. 

He’s your best friend’s ex…you can’t be thinking about and getting so giddy over him. 

You slapped your hands to your face, hoping it would be enough to kick those feelings out. 

Unfortunately, they didn’t. 

You sat down at your vanity, pulling open one of the drawers, revealing a photo booth picture strip of yourself, Sunghoon, and your best friend. 

You held the fragile paper in your hands, staring at each set of photos one by one. Eyes locking onto Sunghoon. 

You didn’t feel this way about him back then, so why now all of a sudden does he have your stomach tied in knots? 

His smile in the photos sent your heart racing. The way he was looking at your best friend, you couldn’t help but wish he looked at you like that. 

You quickly shoved the photo strip back into the drawer, slamming it shut. 

You stood from the chair, grabbed your phone and keys, and walked out of your room. 

By the time you showed up at the stadium, the opposing team and Sunghoon’s team lined up on each side of the rink doing their warmups. 

Your eyes searched for him, seeing the number 23 skating by quickly, him swinging the hockey stick, sending the puck flying into the goal. 

Even though it was just a practice shot, you clapped anyway. 

Sunghoon skated back into line, eyes wandering the crowd until he found you. Your smile sends butterflies in his stomach fluttering about. 

God, you look so good right now. The way your hair was pulled back, the way your thighs peeked out from the rips of your jeans, and how perfect his jacket looked on you. 

Sunghoon never let his ex wear that jacket, it was so special to him, so much that only he wanted to wear it. But it was so different with you. 

He gave you a wave, letting you know that he does indeed, know you’re here. 

The game finally started, and the butterflies did not calm down one bit. He had to do well in this game. He couldn’t disappoint you. 

Heeseung patted his back, “Calm down buddy, you’re our best player. Can’t have you tapping out on us.” 

Jay agreed, “This isn’t even the first game of the season, what’s got you so worked up all of a sudden?” 

“YN is here,” Niki, one of the only freshmen on the team, teased. 

Sunghoon shot the younger one a glare, “Brother, you don’t want to tease me right now.” 

Niki smirked, “Man, I know enough about your life and I barely have been on the team.” 

Jay slapped Sunghoon’s shoulder, “Just ignore the kid, he’s just a little silly.” 

Niki agreed, “Just a little bit.” 

Sunghoon waved his teammates off, “I am fine, my nerves have nothing to do with YN being here.” 

His friends looked at him with telling faces, they knew he was lying. Knew he was full of shit. But deciding to let it go. 

The game went on, each of the teams scoring left and right. 

You sat on the edge of your seat, hands clasped together at your chest. There were five minutes left on the clock, your team was only a point ahead. 

Your eyes followed Sunghoon on the ice, you could tell by his body language he was stressed. The way he stretched his arms out over his hockey stick behind his neck was enough to tell how absent-minded he was in this moment, the only thing he could focus on was getting one last point. Swinging his stick back down onto the ice, slightly bending over, ready for anything. 

Jay passed the puck to Niki, pushing the puck across the rink, Sunghoon positioned himself, screaming for Niki to pass the puck towards him.  

Niki passed it quickly to him. Sunghoon grabbed the puck, pushing his feet and legs as quickly as he could against the ice, the only thing on his mind was to keep the puck against the stick.

As he neared the goal, the goalie prepared himself for Sunghoon to make a shot. 

Sweat dripped down the side of his face, hands gripping tighter on the stick as he lifted it from the ice and puck. 

You stood to your feet, hands hovering over your chest, gripping at the fabric of your shirt. 

Sunghoon swung the stick using all the force possible and hit the puck, watching as the black disc flew across the ice. 

The world seemed to go in slow motion for Sunghoon, his eyes wide as the anticipation of waiting for the puck to reach the goalie, it sliding gracefully between the goalie's legs, the guy barely missing to stop it. 

Sunghoon pivoted, stopping his motion on the ice. His eyes locked onto the puck, confirming it hit the net. 

He turned his body towards his teammates, the world around him going back to normal speed. The crowd cheered, and his teammates surrounded him, slapping their hands against his chest, shoulders, and back. The clock hit its final second, the buzzer sounding. The game was over. We won. 

We won..!!

Sunghoon started screaming and cheering with his teammates, hands slapping them as they continued to slap him. 

You rushed down to the wall, the upper half of your body leaning over it, cupping your hands to your mouth, “Sunghoon!!!” 

He didn’t hear you over the screams of his mates and fans. But it felt as if he knew you were waiting for him. 

His eyes found you and started pushing past his teammates, sliding his helmet off and handing it and his stick off to Heeseung. 

Using what was left of his leg strength, he pushed himself towards you quickly. 

He stretched his arms up in the air, shouting, “WE DID IT!!” 

You couldn’t stop your smile from falling, not when Sunghoon looked as happy as he did at that moment. His fangs were on full display from how wide he was smiling. 

His body crashed against the wall, his gloved hands wrapping around your waist, connecting his torso to yours. 

His wet sweaty hair tickled your cheek as he pulled you into a hug. The first hug you’ve received from him since…well the breakup. 

You patted his back, leaning your head against his, “You played so well! I am so proud of you!” 

You’ve never gotten to tell him how exactly proud of him you were. For all the years you’ve known him, he’s always given his one hundred percent, but because of the past circumstances, you weren’t able to voice how proud you were of him, your best friend wouldn’t have allowed it. 

Hearing you tell him how well he did was enough to risk everything. It did something so deep to his heart that he couldn’t hide it anymore. 

It’s now or never Park Sunghoon, just do it. 

“I told you. I told you that you were my good luck charm,” he whispered in your ear, brushing his cheek against yours as he moved his head up. Brushing his nose against yours softly before moving in, pressing his lips against yours quickly. 

So fast that you didn’t have time to process it as his hands left your waist and he was skating backward away from you. He bit his bottom lip as his eyes stayed locked with yours. 

Your fingertips touched your lips, your ears blocking out all sound as the rest of your senses focused on the man in front of you. 

He kissed you…Oh my god, he kissed you!!! 

Sunghoon gave you a wink and said “Meet me by my car!” then turned back around, skating to his teammates, all of them huddling together. 

—

He pressed you up against his front door, using your body to completely shut it, his fingers flipping the lock as his tongue invaded your mouth, your brain going fuzzy. 

You met him at his car after the game and convinced you to have dinner with him and the team. 

You sat beside him in the booth at this fancy diner, his arm was wrapped around your shoulder, his fingers softly rubbing against your arm. Once the food arrived at the table, his arm went from being behind you to his hand resting on your thigh, his fingers sliding between the rips of your jeans, squeezing the plush skin. 

His touch was driving you crazy, and with your new emotions towards him, it made his contact with your skin make you hot and bothered. 

Sunghoon couldn’t keep his hands off you, and you liked it. Liked the attention he was giving you. 

Liked it so much that you didn’t even think twice when he drove right past the street of your apartment building and pulled into his apartment building. 

He held both your hands tightly, his smile so bright as he guided you up the stairs to his apartment. Soft laughs leaving his lips at just the thought of being with you. 

He was dying to kiss you again. Like properly kiss you. 

He wanted to kiss you so bad that the moment you were inside his apartment, his hands and body were pressed against yours, using his weight to push you against his door. Lips connecting to yours as if he were running out of oxygen and your lips were the sole source of air. 

His hands moved from your hips, sliding up your torso, fingers grazing against your breasts and up to your neck, hands cupping your jaw. 

You kissed him back forcefully, pushing your tongue between his lips, rubbing the muscle against his own, mixing your saliva. 

You tasted so sweet to him. He couldn’t get enough. 

Sunghoon went to pull away, wanting to attach his lips to your neck, but you weren’t ready for his lips to leave yours. 

You caught his bottom lip between your teeth, biting a bit harder than you expected. 

Sunghoon hissed out in pleasure, rolling his hips against yours, his clothed hard length pressing at your heat. 

You released his lip, his hands taking yours and lifting them above your head, pinning you against the door, his lips attaching themself to your neck, “Keep acting up baby and I just might have to punish you.” 

His words sent chills down your spine as he left open mouth kisses on your neck. Your imagination running wild at what these punishments would be, but being too afraid to test his limits. 

Sunghoon loved hearing the soft moans escaping your pretty little mouth. It was music to his ears. 

He placed his leg right between yours, using it to spread them further apart, giving him more access to press his cock against you. 

You were shaking, wanting to completely feel him against you, skin to skin. 

“Hoonie,” you whispered in his ear, “Please,” 

Sunghoon reached down, cupping the back of your thighs and lifting you up, wrapping your legs around him. His hands sliding to cup your ass, lips finding yours again. 

“Say less princess,” he mumbled against your lips as he carried you to his bedroom. 

He laid you down gently on his bed, his right hand stayed on your thigh, squeezing it tightly to keep it wrapped around him as his left hand flew to his shirt, fingers working their magic at the buttons. 

You became impatient, sending your hands to help undress him. 

You slid the fabric off his shoulders and down his arms, your fingers feeling every muscle as they traced down his skin and off his body. 

Your eyes took a moment to appreciate his body. You already knew he worked out, but good lord was his toned, buff body beautiful. 

Sunghoon kissed you again, his hands sliding his jacket off your body then finding their way under your shirt and up and over your head. 

He worked with the button of your jeans as you worked with his. 

He slid his jeans and underwear down together, leaving him completely bare to you.

His fingers looped between your jeans and panties, lifting your hips up as he pulled them off your body. 

“Fuck, YN,” he moaned out, hands snaking underneath you to unclasp your bra, your breasts falling to their natural place once the material was on the floor. His eyes looked your bare body up and down, before laying his body on top of yours, “You’re so beautiful.” 

Your fingers tangled in his hair when he kissed you again, your tongues dancing together in perfect rhythm, his hand sliding down your body and stopping at your thigh to pull it back over his waist. 

Sunghoon was completely turned on just by the skin-to-skin contact, by just feeling your pretty legs wrapped around him. 

He rolled his hips, rubbing his dick against your clit, his hand fumbling at his nightstand drawer for his box of condoms. 

You woke up that next morning with the sun shining through his bedroom window. 

Sunghoon had his head on your chest still fast asleep. 

His arm was wrapped around your waist, the bedsheets were tangled up between yours and his legs. His leg hung out from the sheets and they hung at his hips, his bare back exposed. 

Your heart raced at the site in front of you. 

Did this actually happen?? I am not dreaming?

Your hand touched his bicep, fingers softly moving up and down his arm. 

Sunghoon moved his head up, tucking it in your neck, arm tightening around you. He was still fast asleep. 

Guilt washed over you once again. You just had sex with your best friend's ex-boyfriend. She would kill you both if she knew what happened last night. 

Did you regret it? Absolutely not. The sex was perfect. Sunghoon is perfect. But that still didn’t stop the thoughts that it shouldn’t have happened. 

Would you do it again? Regardless of these thoughts? Also yes. 

Your relationship with Sunghoon was different now. You had deep feelings for him. And the fact that he kept inviting you over, inviting you to his practices and games, asking to see you after classes, and randomly showing up at your front door, proved enough to you that it wasn’t about the sex that night, that his feelings also ran deep for you too. 

Your coffee shop days were more intimate, instead of sitting across from each other, you’d sit beside each other. Hands locking together as you’d drink your coffees. 

He would be waiting outside your apartment door every single morning to drive you to class. 

You would cheer him on from the bleachers at every practice, and have dinner with him afterwards. 

The sex got more intense the more comfortable you both got. You saw a whole new side of Sunghoon in the bedroom. A side you never thought you’d ever see or even thought about seeing until recently. 

He explored every inch of your body, his fingers pumping in and out of your pussy. Shoving his fingers in your mouth as he pounded into you from behind. Bruises were left on your hips from how his fingers would grip your skin. 

You got more bold too. From being his little submissive princess to a dominant queen. The way you’d jerk your hand up and down his cock sending his head flying back, body shaking from your touch as you straddled him. 

Sunghoon became a part of your daily life, just like he was all that time ago. 

You showed up to every game wearing his jacket, being that good luck charm you knew you were to him. Everything felt right.

—

Sunghoon wrapped his arms around you, pulling you down onto your couch with him, “Babe, cuddle me! I am touch starved!” 

You rolled your eyes at him, trying to wiggle your way out of his grip, “We just had sex, yet you’re still touch-starved?” 

“Obviously!” he nuzzled his face at the nape of your neck, hands gripping the hem of your shirt, “Let’s have sex again.” 

“Hoonie,” you giggled at the feeling of his lips kissing your neck, “You have practice in thirty minutes, you need to get ready soon.” 

Sunghoon groaned against your neck, but he knew you were right. 

Sunghoon went to propose skipping practice tonight but got distracted by your phone ringing, eyes darting over to it, being the nosey guy that he is, and seeing…his ex’s name on the caller ID. 

His smile faded, why would she be calling you?

You sighed at seeing your best friend's name on your phone, finger-hitting the decline. 

Calling her your best friend seemed pointless now. Right before things kicked off between you and Sunghoon, she found another boy toy to mess around with, completely ignoring you. You’ve also tried many times to hang out with her, to go by and see her at her job, to invite her over to do homework, to try and just hang with her when Sunghoon was busy, yet all she did was ignore you. So the fact she’s hitting you up now only means she needs something from you. And to say you were exhausted from it would be an understatement. 

Maybe it was karma for keeping your relationship with Sunghoon a secret from her. But you also knew you couldn’t tell her. At least not right now. 

You felt bad declining the call, deciding to shoot her a quick text saying you were busy in the shower and couldn’t answer the call just for her to reply saying it was fine, but was wanting the notes from class today and then sent a smiley face :) 

Sunghoon shook his head, “Please don’t.” 

You set your phone down, not responding to her, “Don’t what?” you knew the answer, but tried to play dumb anyways. 

“YN, stop playing this game with her, she’s using you.” 

You knew it was true, but hearing it come from his mouth didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less. 

Sunghoon bit his lips in a way to keep himself calm. He hated that she was doing this to you. He saw firsthand how badly the breakup affected you too. You lost both of your best friends because of it. But the shitty part was you weren’t supposed to lose her, but you did anyway. She was supposed to stay by your side but didn’t. 

She abandoned you. Even after she promised him she wouldn’t. 

The secrets he wishes he could tell you in hopes of you cutting her off for good, but he couldn’t break that trust with her, even if she deserved it. 

The only thing he could do was try and convince you in other ways. 

“Baby,” he whispered, “Look at me.” 

You did, shifting yourself in his lap to face him. 

He tucked your hair behind your ears, “You deserve better than that. I know you love and care for her, and that she’s your best friend, but this friendship is toxic. All it is doing is hurting you.” 

You looked away from his chocolate eyes and to the floor, “I know.” 

Sunghoon pulled your chin between his fingers, forcing you to look back at him, “I don’t want you to hurt anymore, not just because of her, but because of me too. We both did some damage to you and I have to live with that. I am so fucking lucky you let me come back in your life. And well, I am not saying to completely cut her out of your life,” even though that is what he’s wanting, “but don’t do things like this for her anymore.” 

You nodded. He was right. The only reason you kept doing things for her no matter what they were was to keep her in your life. You kept holding onto a rope that was torn a long time ago. 

“Promise me,” he asked, holding up his pinky finger, “Please.” 

You wrapped your pinky tightly with his, sealing the promise. 

—

It was the final game of the season, if the boys win this game they move on to the championship. 

Sunghoon stood with you by the wall, his hands trembling in his gloves. 

He was nervous, scared even, it was written all over his face. 

“Sunghoon,” you saying his name always sounded so beautiful to his ears. He looks over to you, giving a nervous smile, “It’ll be okay. You’re one of the best damn players on this team. The championship is calling your team's name!” 

You could only hope your words were reaching him, helping make him feel better. 

Which it did. His hand stopped trembling just from your smile. You were his good luck charm after all. 

He slid his hand from his glove, cupping the side of your face, “I am the luckiest man alive to have you.” 

You leaned into his hand, his thumb rubbing against your skin. 

His couch blew the whistle for warm-ups to start. 

“Gimme a good luck kiss princess,” he said pulling you closer to him, “It’ll give me strength.” 

You giggled against his lips and pouted as he skated away, giving him a thumbs up. 

Little did you know, your “best friend” was sitting in the bleachers, watching the entire thing. 

The game went in a flash, Sunghoon once again scoring the winning goal. 

You jumped from your seat and pressed against the wall, arms stretched out and waiting for Sunghoon to embrace himself into you, his lips crashing against yours in celebration of his win. 

You stood at the end of the bleachers, eyes staring off down the hallway that led to the locker rooms, heart racing at wanting to see Sunghoon again, to be able to give him a proper hug for his win. 

“OMG! You came to the game too?!” 

Your heart sank at her voice, your friend connecting her shoulder to yours as she stood beside you. 

Your body tensed, “Y-Yeah, it was their last game so I came to support them.” 

“Hmmm,” she hummed, her hands flying to Sunghoon’s jacket, “Isn’t this Hoon’s?” She forced you around, seeing his name printed on the back. 

She knows she’s got to know.

She hummed again, “Why do you have his jacket, YN?” 

You shrugged, leaning back against the bleacher, “I was cold and he offered it to me I guess.” 

She crossed her arms, “He never let me borrow it, weird.” 

“I was freezing,” you tried to play it off, “You know how cold I can get sometimes.” 

She nodded, “That’s true,” her eyes darted down the hallway, “Since when did you and Hoon start hanging out again?” 

She definitely knows. 

You knew it was a matter of time before she found out, but you didn’t think it would be like this. 

You opened your mouth to speak, only for her face to light up with excitement and her hands clapping. 

The boys finally were leaving the locker room, “Here come our winners!” she said. 

Sunghoon was with Jay, the two of them doing their handshake and walking in separate directions, Sunghoon’s smile fading after looking in your direction. 

“OH EM GEE!!!” she squealed, grabbing your hand and rushing you both to meet Sunghoon halfway, “You are such a star Hoonie!” 

She wrapped her arms around Sunghoon’s neck, but he was quick to pull her off of him, “What are you doing here?” 

You were surprised how calm he was. 

“Am I not allowed to come and support you?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. 

“You lost that right when we broke up.” he scoffed, “Why are you actually here?” 

She pouted, pulling you to her side, “I missed you guys, wanted us to rekindle and be a trio again.” 

Sunghoon could smell the bullshit radiating out of her mouth. 

Does this bitch think I am stupid?

“Rekindle?” he chuckled, “Rekindle what? Exactly?” oh he was pissed now, “Explain yourself. Now.” 

She let go of your arm, taking a step closer to him, “I miss you, Hoon.” She reached to touch his face, but he caught her arm with his hand, shoving it away from him. 

“Don’t touch me.” 

You didn’t know what to do or what to say, this fight didn’t involve you, it was something they had to settle. 

“Hoon,” she begged, “I want you back, please.” 

Sunghoon took a step back away from her, “Cut the bullshit.” 

She rolled her eyes, “What bullshit?!”

“I am in a relationship,” he spat out, “I am happy.” 

A laugh escaped her mouth, a laugh you’ve never heard her do before, “I know, I am not stupid,” she took a step back, wrapping her arms around you, “You’re fucking our sweet YN.” 

Sunghoon’s grip on his duffle bag tightened and his jaw locked. What the fuck was she trying to pull here?

She smiled, knowing she got you both where she wanted you to be, “The fact that you’re both quiet speaks volumes, lemme tell ya.” 

“What the fuck do you want?” he said through his locked jaw. 

“I want to know why,” she pulled a piece of your hair behind your ear, “I want to know why you both betrayed me like this. Why my ex-boyfriend decided it was okay to fuck my best friend, and why my best friend decided it was okay to fuck my ex.” 

Oh, she’s going there? Game on.

Sunghoon chuckled, “Best friend? Best friends don't abandon each other!”

“That’s rich coming from you,” she retorted.

“You abandoned her!!” he snapped. 

“So did you!!” she snapped back, “You walked away just as much as I did!” 

“I walked away because I cared about you! I cared about your feelings! You promised you’d stay by her side, not leave her to fight alone and use her for your own personal gain, that’s not a friendship!” 

“Oh, here we go,” she laughed, “It’s always about YN.” 

You wanted to speak up, to ask them what that meant, but before you could, Sunghoon was reaching for you. 

He’s heard enough. He’s HAD enough. He couldn’t let this conversation continue, not when she might spill everything. 

He pulled you to his side, pushing you in the direction towards the exit door, “YN, baby, let’s go.” 

“How long did you think you could hide? Hmm?” 

Both you and Sunghoon stopped walking. 

“I’ve known for a while now,” you turned and faced her, waiting for her to finish, “You think I wouldn’t notice? Wouldn't notice either of your cars at each other's apartments?” 

Sunghoon laughed, “So you’re stalking us now? That’s so fucking low.” 

“How could I not? Not after I saw the two of you leaving that diner downtown a while ago,” 

She’s known since the beginning.

“I thought maybe, at first, you two were just hanging out again. I minded my business. But then I thought, hmm, I should surprise visit YN. And I bet you could imagine my surprise when I pulled up to her apartment and saw your car parked there and her riding your dick on her couch.” your face flushed, embarrassed, “Maybe next time make sure your blinds are closed before fucking in the living room.” 

Sunghoon sighed, pulling you closer to him. He felt like shit because of all this happening to you. 

“This doesn’t excuse your shitty stalking behavior,” Sunghoon said. 

She shrugged, “I only caught you by coincidence at first, the second time surprised me too. The rest I had to ask around campus to find out.” 

Sunghoon was getting more pissed by the second, “YN doesn’t deserve this!!” 

“You’re so right!” she clapped her hands, “She does deserve better friends, I know. We were so shitty to her. But you know what she also deserves? The truth.” 

The…truth?

Sunghoon shook his head, “No, let’s go,” he tried pushing you toward the exit again, he wasn’t ready for you to hear what she was about to say. 

You forced Sunghoon off you, taking a few steps back towards her, “What truth do I deserve to know?” 

Mostly since Sunghoon seemed so set on me leaving just now. 

Your friend smirked, “The truth about the reason why we broke up in the first place.” 

Sunghoon snapped her name, “Keep your fucking mouth shut!” 

You look back at him, “What is so goddamn secretive?” 

Sunghoon sighed, his eyes dropping to the floor. 

You looked back at her, “Well??” 

“The reason we broke up was because of you.” she crossed her arms over her chest, eyes darting at Sunghoon. 

“Because of me?” You couldn’t wrap your head around why, “W-what did I do?” 

“You didn’t do anything, YN,” Sunghoon finally said. 

“Then…why…” 

“Because he’s in love with you,” you stood there frozen, “He confessed to me a few months before we broke up on how deeply in love with you he was.” she said snarky, “That he caught feelings for you early on into our relationship, but kept it hidden all those years until he couldn’t. The guilt ate him up. Plus I caught him practically eye fucking you at one of the last parties we all attended together.” 

You looked back at Sunghoon, his eyes glossed over. He’s been in love with you the entire time you’ve known him? 

“It’s truly sad, isn’t it?” your friend continued, “The night we fought, was me making him promise to never come near you again. Guess it worked for a while.” 

“Why would you promise that!” You yelled at him, “Why would you even agree to that?!” 

“Because I still cared about her!” Sunghoon shook his head, “I wanted to respect her wishes, I wanted to respect you! You had no feelings towards me whatsoever, and after the last couple shitty months of my relationship with her, I wanted you to heal and find peace with losing me, had I known she would also walk away from you, I would have never let you go.” 

“Why did you stay with her as long as you did if you wanted me?” It was a shitty question to ask, but you had to know. 

“Because I was already a shitty person for falling in love with my girlfriend’s best friend. I didn’t want to hurt either of you. So I kept my feelings hidden until they eventually overflowed to the point I couldn’t contain it.” 

With tears in your eyes, you stomped over to him, fists hitting his chest, “Why would you leave me then?! I needed you!” you cried it all out, releasing the frustration, and he just took it, “Do you know how lonely I was when you left? How terrible I felt watching you walk away that night? I lost part of my soul.” 

Sunghoon pulled you to him, “Baby I know and I am so fucking sorry I did that to you.” 

You cried into his chest, fingers gripping his shirt. Too many emotions were fighting you at all once. You were the sole reason your best friends broke up, how could you not feel like shit?

You pushed yourself off him, turning back towards your friend, “What is your excuse for leaving me?” 

Her facial expression tightened, “How could I have stayed? Every time I looked at you all I could remember was the fact that my boyfriend wanted you, not me.” 

Fair enough. But that was also such a shotty excuse. 

“Guess our friendship didn’t mean shit to you,” you scoffed, “A boy meant more to you than I did. Meant more than our lifetime of friendship.” 

She had nothing to say to that, just thinned her lips in a line, looking away. 

“I’ve heard enough,” you softly said, “Take me home, please Sunghoon.” 

He nodded, extending out his hand for you to take it, and you did. The two of you walking away.

“Enjoy my seconds, YN.” 

Oh, she did not.

Sunghoon beat you to running his mouth, “At least YN pleases me. You should see the mess she makes of me since you want to stalk us so bad.” 

You bit the insides of your cheeks to keep from laughing, was their sex life that bad?

Her face turned red you could practically see the smoke coming out of her ears, “Go to hell Sunghoon! It’s where you belong!” 

He chuckled, “Gladly, I’d give up every piece of heaven for YN.” 

She rolled her eyes, it was always about you. It’s always been you for him. 

“Oh and by the way,” Sunghoon added, “I know you cheated on me multiple times with Mark from calculus, way before I confessed my feelings for YN. So us breaking up wasn’t just because of her. Suck a dick.” 

Sunghoon wrapped an arm around you, a smirk on his face as you both listened to her yelling more nonsense. 

—

He drove you home and walked you into your apartment. 

“I really am sorry, YN.” Sunghoon wrapped you into his arms, “I never wanted to hurt you.” 

You cupped his face, thumbs wiping the tears that fell, “Don’t ever apologize, okay? You were caught in a situation.” 

“It’s no excuse,” he took your hands in his, “I love you, I always have. I shouldn’t have walked away.” 

You just nodded, standing on your tippy toes to place a kiss on his nose, “I love you, Park Sunghoon. You’re with me now, and that’s all that matters.”

It was true. He was so lucky to have you. To finally have you after waiting for you for so long. 

Thank god he decided to try that coffee shop out. 

“Was sex with her really that bad?” you asked, a giggle escaping. 

He laughed too, “Yeah, never came once.” 

“I guess that means I win in that department too since I make such a mess outta you,” 

Sunghoon bit his lip, sliding his hands to squeeze your waist, “Keep talking like that and I’ll ruin you.” 

You pressed a quick kiss to his lips then escaped his arms, running towards your bedroom, “Can’t ruin me if I make a mess of you first.” 

Sunghoon chased after you, his heart pounding at the happiness on your face. 

God, he really was the luckiest man alive.

[heylittleriotact]

I completed mortuary school and worked in a funeral home between 2018-2022 and ultimately left the profession because Covid burned me the fuck out and there just aren’t the appropriate supports in place for funeral workers tbh. It’s a profession that’s 20 years behind where it needs to be in a lot of ways.

Anyway, after months of anxiety attacks, insomnia, socially withdrawing from friends and family, and spending what little free time i had basically staring at a wall while drinking and chain-smoking, I decided I’d had enough after I was interrogated on a daily basis over the phone and told I can’t possibly be too sick to come back to work when i had Covid (after having called in sick twice in the entire 4 years I’d worked there).

It seemed questionable to expect me to return to work with Covid when it was very much still a day-to-day concern (and I was sick as shit to boot): I didn’t want to be responsible for bumping off an 80 year old widow who’d come in to make arrangements for her husband and caught Covid because of me.

It was the last fucking straw: I knew going into it that this profession was one of service and that I would be sacrificing holidays and weekends and time with my friends and family. I knew I wasn’t going to make $150k/year. I knew it was thankless, misunderstood work, but it was vital. But over those four years I watched decent, well-meaning, hard working people get bullied and humiliated out of their jobs because they didn’t fit in with the “right” people at the firm. I watched amazing professionals with decades of experience quit en masse because of the patronizing, condescending, unscrupulous way that ownership treated them. I watched standards that were incredibly high when I started, plummet to the point where I was pushing back on ownership about the ethics of selling flawed product to grieving families knowing full well that it was of poor quality. I went to school for this. I gave up weekends and holidays and important family milestones for this.

I wanted to help people, but I couldn’t continue setting myself on fire to do it.

So I said fuck it and tossed a hastily drafted resume and cover letter to a law firm whose posting I saw online while I was still at home, sick as hell. I didn’t actually think they’d call me back - it just felt like by submitting the application I’d made some sort of step in the direction of getting the fuck out of dodge like so many other colleagues had.

But then they actually did. And I had two interviews, and they hired me as a receptionist, because to be honest after working at an unhinged funeral home DURING a global pandemic, I needed a fucking ✨nothing✨ job where I just had to show up every day, look cute, answer phones, and show rich lawyers how to work the Keurig machine from time to time. It was the perfect job for me to get over the burn-out. Even stressful shit was not really stressful when compared to what I’ve already dealt with (my mantra around the office has become: “Okay but has anyone died?” Seriously. I get that your brief is due in 2 hours and all the tabs are fucked, but has an attendant just called you to tell you that they accidentally showed the WRONG dead person to a grieving family and now they’re traumatized?)

ANYWAY. A very nice partner who recently left the firm because he was appointed a Provincial Court Judge, remarked to another partner prior to his departure that maybe they should ask if I had any interest in going down the legal assistant -> paralegal pipeline, because I seemed smart, and uh… overqualified for my current role.

So anyway, that’s what my new year looks like. It took an entire two years to get my feet back under me and start feeling like a person again after I burned out: I started writing again this year. Started dance lessons again this year. Actively pursued life again this year because I had the energy to do it. I’m ready for a new challenge.

I miss funerals a fucking lot. If you follow me here that’s probably obvious by how much I go off about death and nerd out over Emmrich. I truly believe it was my calling, and just based on the way the timing and the way the cards fell, it didn’t work out for me. I’ll always be a bit sad about that, but I’m so, so excited for where I’m going next. It was officially announced to the team today, so I guess it feels real now?

Phew.

I’m going to fucking nail it, I think.

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 6

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

Here we are on book 2!

I took a couple days off because my body was perishing (read: my uterus was being a little bitch) but I am back :D

Today's tea is an apple crumble with milk and sugar and my little reading buddy (Charlie) has returned for this chapter Extra Needy and sporting his new necktie.

Let's get into this long chapter:

And we start three years later! I was wondering if there was going to be a time jump and there is! :) p9

Why is everyone so thirsty in this world RE: Ning YingYing p10

Oh dang. I really want to know what's making people melt into skeletons p13

Shen Qingqiu is such a vibe" I know I am physically useless, but i'm also a walking encyclopedia so I bring that to the party" p14 honestly same

So many corpses in the water!! p18

Oh shit, what the heck Wu Chen's legs? p22

RE: Wu Chen I did lol at "Great Master, you call this a bit uncomfortable?!" p 22

this totally feels more like a curse than a standard plague p24

why am I laughing so hard at "fuck me, with this speed, they wouldn't lose to a runner doing the 100-metre hurdles! 'Old Lady'? Yeah right! I must be blind!"p26

oooo! Gongyi Xiao is back! p28

Baby is back too!! Luo Binghe! pp29-31

omg and now there is a height difference! Shen qinqgiu being the smol one p32

Re: on the subject of thinking it was a curse like 15 pages ago, it is not a curse. I don't know why I thought it would be literally anything other than demons LOL this is the plot of the entire fictional universe of this book p37

Luo Binghe still only has eyes for Shen Qingqiu- even after being tossed into hell p38

I truly love the inner monologue of Shen Qingqiu's thoughts vs what people just kind of assume he's feeling. SQQ: Luo Binghe has brainwashed these disciples, he is definitely coming for me, I am fucked. Everyone else: this poor man misses his student so much, he is so hurt that Luo Binghe didn't go back to him.

LOL at Luo Binghe's hatefire at seeing SQQ and Gongyi Xiao bonding together p42

I can't XD SQQ: I have a huge announcement guys, Luo Binghe is back!!!! Everyone else: who tf is that? RIP p44

no shit that demonic activity increasing in frequency is 100% indeed a bad omen. p47

I'm crying SQQ thinks Luo BInghe is about to kill him p48

not the magpie bridge reference p50

This man is just crushing his windpipe for funsies -> why do I feel like this is their dynamic? p50

SQQ is actually an idiot. This fool is continuously operating under the assumption that nothing in the story has changed and the original story is guaranteed. If he heard these words and responded appropriately he'd probably be fine RE: "Then why did you tell me not to put too much weight on race and that no one is intolerable to the heavens" p55

Goddamn is Luo Binghe just going to keep beating the shit out of SQQ?? pp57-59

He really made him drink his blood (side note: when this is all said and done, I need to read some vampire aus) What even is that blood going to do to him?? (do not actually tell me, I assume I will find out soonish) p59

I am once again here to talk about how utterly Fucked SQQ is. He still has 0 idea that Luo Binghe has absolutely claimed him p65

Oh dang. Still, even after all this, SQQ has not shaken his original fate of being hated p69

Bro should have let Qi Qingyi finish that sentence. Re: out of his mind with grief" also probably would have changed some things (even if he was embarrassed as hell) p71

omg so much happening in this scene rn AND then Shen Qingqiu's ex shows up out of no where?!?!?!?!??!!? p73

this man truly cannot catch a break p75

holy shit not even his ex- his wife??????? p75

oop, we have SQQ backstory reveal p77

But also with this reveal: it's a little weird for her though. Like her family takes in this kid from the street, makes him a servant. He continues to serve them, his "family" starts to view him a sibling, AND THEN they get betrothed (not married). Like what. This is wild poor guy- weird because sibling dynamics, also he was their servant. I think she is the weird one honestly. p77

okay, well, he did kill her brother LOL p78

the water prison does not sound good. p81

he really wants to try and last a month there??? best of luck buddy, he cant even handle riding in a carriage without a snack p85

Bonus picture with no notes!

I'm actually so excited for the water prison- it sounds vile, but I need to know how he get's out/how his relationship with Luo Binghe progresses.

[sakuraharukaaa]

just a short, fluffy fanfic about my baby son that I wrote in like an hour ♥♥ too lazy to publish on ao3 for now, but maybe later

word count: 1197 words

It’s the smallest things in life. The little things that slowly creep into his daily life until they become a part of his routine. 

People are so adaptable, Haruka can’t help but think. It’s somewhat of a motto, though the connotation used to be negative in the past. He used to think of himself as someone durable who can withstand whatever life throws on him. He always believed that staying firm would keep him safe in the troubling currents of life. He didn’t realize that he, too, can change so much. 

It starts with Nirei, who shows him a pack of tea he got the day earlier. 

“It’s my favorite!” He says ever so enthusiastically. He insists on Haruka drinking it. 

But I don’t like tea that much. It stands on the tip of his tongue, yet he doesn’t say it. The taste is just okay. Barely passable, if he’d be honest, but for some reason he cannot refuse when Nirei shoves the almost-full box into his hands. 

He writes it off as something to put in his cabinet, a single box in an empty shelf – what a laughable idea. He can’t really drink it though, since he doesn’t own a kettle.

Suou is always too perceptive. Haruka finds it mildly annoying, especially when he sticks too close to Nirei. Something about an instinct to tell him off, to tell him that Haruka knew him first, and he shouldn’t be so chummy with Nirei. 

Whatever. 

That weasel approaches a couple of days later, talking about Nirei’s favorite tea, because of course he’d know about it. 

“It is quite good, I was surprised.” His smile is odd and sometimes uncomfortable, but Haruka learned to live with it. The hostility wasn’t targeted towards him, it’s just a general warning. “You should drink good tea in a good cup.” 

So he gives Haruka a weird mug with some calligraphy on it. It’s not legible, in no way it is, and Haruka still doesn’t own a kettle. 

He mentions the kettle debacle – off handedly, really – to Kotoha, and she immediately breaks into laughter. It’s a strange noise and he’s about to comment about it, when she suddenly stops. 

“Hold on, do I have an old one?” She speaks quietly, more to herself rather than to him. “It has to be an electric one.” And she leaves for the back storage room without saying a thing. 

Trust her to be a problem solver, of course. She emerges from the storage room with an old, gray kettle. 

“You have to be careful with the cord.” She says with a shy smile that doesn’t suit her. “If you pull too strongly on it, it will expose the wires.” And only then Haruka notices the tape around the end of the cord, a shoddy fix he assumes. 

Honestly? It’s better than nothing. 

So he takes the kettle. 

(Haruka doesn’t even like tea, he’s more of a coffee guy. 

He could make coffee with the kettle in his home, if he so desires, but it takes a long time until he realizes that. By then, he finds an appropriate excuse – he cannot make coffee as good as Kotoha’s with this old thing. 

Better stick to the tea.)

The next one is Umemiya, who somehow heard about the kettle incident. Probably got the information from Kotoha by torture (read: annoying her). He thinks it’s okay to turn it into a charity case, or so Haruka assumes because he never truly understands him. 

So he stops Haruka after a long, long day where nothing worked out, and his big, dumb smile is too blinding right now. 

“I hear you’re furnishing your room!” He’s far too energetic and Haruka grits his teeth. 

APARTMENT, not room, he almost says, and he doesn’t believe that a single box of tea and an ugly mug and an old kettle warrant the use of the word furnishing. It’s literally three items. 

“I thought I’d give you this!” At first Haruka doesn’t realize what this is, until he notices that the hand holding a pot is extended towards him. 

“No way.” He flat out refuses. He can’t believe he was called to the rooftop for this shit. Behind Umemiya, Hiragi is giving him a resigned sympathetic look. 

Umemiya has plenty of reasons why he should take the plant – of course he does! – and at some point Hiragi exasperatedly signs him to give up. 

His pride takes somewhat of a hit when he comes home with that plant that evening. 

(Sugishita gave him a watering can. 

That bastard actually gave him a watering can. 

He doesn’t say anything but he leaves it on Haruka’s desk alongside fucking four pages of how to take care of plants. 

Jesus Christ.)

It’s after a training session when he goes around the neighborhood with Kaji on a semi-patrol (more like an excuse to get candies because Kaji was running low and Haruka didn’t want to test his patience). Haruka doesn’t eat that stuff so he buys a drink at the vending machine next to the store. When he puts the change straight into his pocket, he catches Kaji’s slanted eyes judging him. 

“Really? That’s barbaric.” And Haruka has to summon all of his self restraint to stop himself from saying that Kaji is the barbaric one for making the nasty lump on the back of Haruka’s head. He doesn’t need another one to match the first. 

The next day, he receives a coin purse. A bit worn out at the seams, but it looks it was taken good care of. He is silent when Kaji hands him that, already knowing not to put up a fight. 

Haruka, unfortunately, doesn’t like coin purses or wallets, so he leaves it on the window sill, next to the plant. It doesn’t feel like it belongs inside the kitchen’s cabinets, so the window sill it is. 

Over the next weeks, it becomes worse. He gets a phone case from Kiryuu – a pink one with cherry blossoms to match his name, and he gets a huge water bottle from Tsugeura that was supposed to have some motivational quote on it, but Suou points out the English doesn’t make sense. When the other guys catch wind of that, they start giving him small things too. It is mostly stationary, but some of his classmates went to town on it. Someone gave him a small radio, which was neat and actually useful, but on the other hand, he got a fucking fork with a handle that was painted like a train. He did use it though, because no one was there to judge him for that when he was eating, and it certainly was more useful than the hot girl calendar he got. 

It’s all so odd when he’s home during the weekend, and he’s drinking tea from his ugly mug and eating with his train fork and staring at the plant on his window sill. It did grow nicely, that he has to admit, and somewhere along the way, it grew on him. 

That doesn’t mean he’s going to take on that offer for a second plant though. 

[plazmafields]

I've been trying to think recently why I find the age gap with V and Kerry to be endearing, when normally I feel an age gap over 10 years is problematic. Here's what I think:

(Long rambling ahead along with minor spoilers maybe)

There is a power imbalance between V and Kerry, in multiple ways. Kerry is much older, yes, but he also makes a lot more money. Like shit tons of money. The first time I romanced Kerry, I thought the romance arch was lacking because of the way Kerry never initiated. However, taking into account that V is 23, Kerry's tendency to wait for V to make the first move actually feels very appropriate.

Kerry's dealing with a lot of mixed emotions about Johnny being back. The fact that he never processed his inferiority complex while Johnny was alive, then as soon as Johnny died he jumped right into an ego-driven, spite-fueled solo career that took him straight to the top, and now Johnny's back as a digital parasite? And Kerry has a crush on his host?? Wild.

I think that's ONE of the reasons Kerry doesn't flirt with V outright: he's super confused about the way he feels about V, and whether or not those feelings are overlapping with the way he feels about Johnny. Is he so excited to see Johnny that he could just smooch him (platonic)? Is he simply grateful to V for pulling him out of a depressive episode? Is he still a little horny for Johnny like when they first formed Samurai? Is being attracted to someone 70 years younger than him the first sign of a life crisis starting? Maybe Kerry would rather be safe than sorry, and not act on his feelings for V while he's processing all that other stuff.

This shifts the power back into V's hands, who really doesn't have a lot of control over how the media will interpret their relationship, even if it remains platonic (vs. Kerry who has lawyers, and past experience with the media and dating while in the spotlight). This gives V the opportunity to decide if there are any romantic feelings there, instead of falling for the advances of someone very influential and rich. Those two facts could very easily convince someone that their starstruck reaction was actually love. This way, if V is in control of initiation, Kerry can be sure that he's not coercing V into starting anything they may not fully want; a relationship with ramifications V may not be fully aware of. He can be sure V's decision was not inadvertently rushed by anything Kerry may have said/done.

In our world, age gaps in gay relationships are not treated the same as they are in straight relationships, especially when it comes to gay men. I am not saying this is good or bad. But, it is a "trope", one could say, that younger gay men sometimes gravitate toward men many years older than them. I personally feel this is two fold: older gay men who are out publicly may find it hard to find others in their age range who are unashamed of their queerness, due to internalized social pressure. And younger gay men may find it difficult to navigate their sexuality on their own as it applies to daily life (specifically in American culture) and seek the guidance of veteran gays. If we translate that trend into the Cyberpunk world, where life expectancy is DECADES longer than ours, then perhaps Night Citizens wouldn't bat an eye at someone in their 20s dating someone in their 80s. (I'm sure that gap is stretching things a bit even for Cyberpunk standards, but maybe 30s dating 60s isn't uncommon.)

Another aspect of this is something they mention out right during Boat Drinks: Kerry doesn't act his age. He's getting there, but he's got the maturity of someone around V's age. I truly believe his stunted growth as a person is due to being constantly discredited and invalidated by Johnny. I mean, Kerry doesn't seem to have much in common with his former band mates, who have all moved on with their lives and found their versions of success (except maybe Henry). The people he gets along with best are a group of 20-something pop stars from a different part of the world, and V, also in their 20s. Kerry has been trying to prove himself for so long that his personality got stuck somewhere between starting Samurai and Johnny dying.

Lastly, I just wanna point out that V and Kerry's relationship as presented to us in game, with no outside context or deliberation, is inherently problematic. The age gap, the power imbalance, the wealth disparity, V possibly being a symptom of Kerry's three-quarter life crisis or a rebound or the second best thing to Johnny; Johnny being in the picture at all. A relationship doesn't have to be perfect for someone to like it, and it certainly doesn't reflect what they find acceptable in their own relationships. It's all fiction, it's all fantasy. If you want to theorize about how Kerry and V actually have a super healthy relationship, that's awesome! If you love the idea that they just kind of wound up together and this isn't a permanent situation for either of them, that's great! If you believe the relationship is completely toxic and you're loving the drama of it all, that's cool too!

With what the game has given us, and the fact that Kerry's writers' work could be interpreted in endless ways, I think the age gap was handled in such a way that it can be excused (or even played into) if you feel it works with your headcanon, or used as a catalyst for drama if that suits your imagination better. What's important is that it never feels predatory. And to me, that's good writing.

With my personal headcanon for my oc of V, I've decided his relationship with Kerry is perfectly passable. They're not a perfect couple, they lack communication skills and often butt heads over the other's tendency to put work over their relationship (both of them stubbornly insisting only the other one has a problem), but I like them that way.

[bighitbabie]

The Morning After

- When Warren was “in” on something, he was all in. (Explicit, Evan Peters as Warren Lipka x Fem!Reader Fic) Part 2 / ?

Tumblr Series Masterlist here!

Read it on Ao3 here!

(Can you tell I’m already obsessed with writing this?? 🤩 One part daily will probably not be the norm, but who knows?)

-

You waited for him at the curb, and about five minutes past the time he said he’d be there, you heard a car come roaring up around the corner and smiled. That was your knight in a plaid button-up, surely. The driver rolled their window down as they approached, and sure enough, it was Warren Lipka. “Hey, sexy. Need a ride?” He called out to you, making you hide your face in your hands.

“Alright, you’ve gotta stop, or people will genuinely start to think I’m a prostitute.” You said, but laughed and got in the passenger’s front seat, tossing your bag to the back. “Who cares?” He asked, seemingly genuine. It wasn’t rhetorical, it was like he wanted an actual response and list of people you didn’t want assuming you were a hooker.

“Me!” You replied, aghast. “I care!”

He laughed, reaching over you to retrieve a lighter from the passenger’s glove box, lighting up a blunt and taking a long drag as he pulled off from the area of your dorm. “Fine, fine. I guess it’s true that I’d much rather have people assuming I somehow managed to pull you than having them think I’m paying you, anyway.” He admitted, taking his eyes off the road to shoot you a sly grin. He offered you the blunt and you took it, matching his mannerisms. You weren’t a big smoker, more into drinking when you went out, but it seemed appropriate for the time and situation. “Spencer’s gonna shit when I walk in with you on my arm, ya’know that?”

“What? You don’t let girls tag along with you often?” You teased, slightly fishing in a way you hoped wasn’t obvious.

“Let them tag along? Nah, I would, they just never want to.” He said, and you gave a fake, overly-dramatic gasp.

“So I’m not special then? It’s always been an open invitation?”

Warren laughed at that, seemingly enjoying your ridiculous teasing. “Nah, nah, I didn’t say that! You’re super special, baby. You’re, like, popping my ‘girl who I’m getting to introduce to Spencer’ cherry right now, ya’know? What’s better than that?”

“Fair enough.” You concede, actually quite curious to see how Warren went about said introduction.

“Good. Well, we’re here.” He said, pulling in to a parking space of Transylvania University with very little precision. “Don’t let Spencer or any of his buddies scare you off or weird you out, by the way. He’s an artsy guy, and is always talking about these big, theoretical ideas. Asks me dumbass questions like ‘Hey, Warren, when do you think our lives will finally change?’ and I just have to tell him, ‘I don’t fucking know, man, I really wish I could tell you.’ He’s a good guy, though-” He said, barely letting you react before unbuckling his seatbelt, exiting the car, and rushing around to open the passenger’s side door for you all in a hurried, clumsy dash. “-not better than me, of course.” He said, leaning over and giving you a wink, holding out his hand to help you out of the vehicle.

You reached back for your bag, grabbing it and unbuckled your own seatbelt, returning Warren’s wink. “Right, right. Of course.” You took his hand to get out of the car, but were very pleasantly surprised to find that he didn’t drop it immediately afterwards, instead opting to swing your intertwined knuckles lightly as he led the way to Spencer’s dorm.

…

You felt slightly nervous and didn’t say much on the short walk there, but Warren made up for it, pointing out things around the campus that you were entirely unfamiliar with. When he made it to the door, he did a weird sort of knock, almost like a secret code, and still had his hand raised to keep going when a guy, presumably Spencer, opened the door, still in just his boxers. His eyes widened at the sight of you standing right behind Warren, and he closed the door again almost immediately. “Fuck, dude, you didn’t tell me you were bringing a girl over!” He said loudly, yelling at his friend through the wood.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know until about an hour ago!” Warren said, a smirk on his face. It took just a few moments for the door to open again, Spencer having put on a hoodie and some sweatpants, and Warren pushed past his friend and led you inside, still holding your hand. “Spencer, this is Y/N, Y/N, this is Spencer.” He said, finally dropping your hand and gesturing vaguely between the two of you as he exchanged names. “We fucked last night and now she’s obsessed with me. Can’t get rid of her, she’s like a tick latched on to me, man.” He said in a very slightly quieter voice, as if he was confiding a secret in Spencer, but he obviously knew you could hear him.

“Hey!” You said immediately, face heating up. “You said-! I…” you started to try to explain but Spencer just laughed a little and rolled his eyes, cutting off your poor excuse at an attempt.

“Ah, don’t worry, it’s all good. I know he’s just fucking around, as usual. It’s good to meet you.” Spencer said, calming your nerves immediately. Of course he knew Warren was just bullshitting him, he was his friend, and had been for at least a few years. Still, you shot Warren a glare that he seemed to revel in, shooting you a shit-eating grin back that, unfortunately, you found unreasonably attractive.

“Yeah. Good to meet you too, Spencer.” You said, barely able to tear your death glare from Warren, even when trying to be polite and give the other boy your full attention for just a moment. As much as you resented his claim, he was sort of right. You were latched on to him. You couldn’t get enough, despite the very short timeframe of events. It was like he’d put some sort of spell on you. But being here with Spencer, his close friend from high school, you thought it might’ve been fair to say that the same spell had been cast over him. Trying a second time to shift your attention, you asked Spencer, “So, Warren tells me you’re into art?”

[lyricalt]

[tf2 mini fic] roll over

BLU and RED spies take a smoke break together.

(Implied R!Sniper/R!Spy, PG)

bonus scene: the sequel for all bite. There was no way to fit it neatly in the main fic so here it is.

---

There is something different about RED Sniper. 

BLU Spy considers the body, slumped awkwardly in its seat. He taps his foot in contemplation.

Something is off. It bothers him that he cannot quite place it, but he has an instinct for this kind of thing. He remembers the way RED’s sniper had turned a little too late from the window. That flash of annoyance across his face had been fun to see, per usual, and he’d died quite appropriately to the butterfly knife. 

At the risk of soiling his shoes with blood, BLU Spy kicks the body so that it falls to the floor, splayed out and arms akimbo. He cranes his neck and pulls out his disguise kit.

After a moment, he blinks. Ah-hah. He sees it now. The change. He snorts, flipping through his paper masks until he finds the one with RED Sniper’s face on it.

“How interesting,” he says with a laugh, and takes a pen out from his pocket to make the correction.

---

There is a secluded backdoor in one of the factories with an awning that hardly anyone uses. The spies tend to take their ten minute smoke break there, away from the main battle but still close enough to hear whatever’s going on. It’s irrelevant on when the daily smoke break occurs, but this time BLU Spy leaves a note for an early meeting.

They smoke in silence for a bit. Both are leaning against the wall with the locked door between them. 

BLU Spy speaks up first, letting his arm fall back to his side, flicking ash from his cigarette. “There’s a possibility I had to update my disguise kit because of you.”

“Hm? Someone on my team wearing a new hat?” RED Spy asks.

They speak in the privacy of French, casual and pleasant, because it’s their only chance in the day to not be so secretive. A nice ten minutes to shoot the shit.

“No. It was something very subtle. But you know me, always obsessing over details.” BLU Spy pauses, just shy of being dramatic, because he can’t very well hold it in. He’s been waiting ages to speak to his counterpart today. 

“You do have an eye for them, Bleu. Well?”

“Your sniper, Monsieur Rouge,” Bleu says, watching RED Spy very carefully. “The one with the, hm, ‘keen eyes’ and ‘fast trigger’.” After a moment, he gleefully punches RED’s arm. “You sly dog.”

For three seconds, Rouge’s expression is one of perfect blankness. Bleu is about to congratulate him on his poise when Rogue shoots up from the wall to grab Bleu’s upper arm, shaking it with such intensity that Bleu fears his arm might vibrate out of its socket.

“No. Don’t tell me he’s wearing that. Not in public,” RED Spy starts, so aghast he abandons his carefully cultivated European French and slips back into his natural Quebecois accent. “This can’t be. I didn’t think he would-”

“I saw it myself.” Bleu shuffles the paper masks in his kit and carefully removes Rouge’s grip off him when he almost drops the entire stack. “Would you like to see? I’ve already added it to my repertoire.”

Rouge has since launched into a litany of “no no no no no no no, he can’t do this to me-” while Bleu takes his time finding the right mask. A second cigarette makes an appearance in Rogue’s fingers. He begins to smoke both at the same time. It’s a nostalgic sight to see. Bleu has not seen Rouge double fist cigarettes since their days at the university during final exams. 

Rouge hisses, “Please, M. Bleu, don’t put that o-”

Pleading hands grasp at his sleeve to no effect. Bleu slips on the disguise. Poor Rouge looks like he wants to perish on the spot from sheer mortification. His eyes dart to BLU Spy’s throat.

There is nothing at Bleu’s neck. Rouge would see his sniper’s RED uniform in perfect order, not a hair or button out of place.

BLU Spy lifts the kukri illusion, pointing to a very nice piece of strap fitted along the shoulder, a touch thicker than the rest of the sling. At first glance, it appears to be a nice lanyard to hang an extra carabiner on the shiny metal ring. 

Or perhaps something else could be clipped on such a fine metal ring. Who could say.

“Quite subtle indeed,” Bleu says, imitating RED Sniper’s voice, though the intonation is entirely wrong. He smiles, serene, and doesn’t hesitate to deal a killing blow in the form of a head tilt and a playful, “Arf-arf.”

There is a third cigarette between Rouge’s fingers. He squats down and smokes them all in silence, sucking them down to the filter. He looks like he wishes for the ground to swallow him up.

They still have four minutes left of their break so Bleu takes pity on the man and pulls off the mask. The disguise fizzes away, leaving him back in his blue suit. He pats Rouge’s shoulder and joins him squating on the ground, forearms resting on his knees. There’s only so much aloof leaning against a wall that he can take in a day. 

He nudges Rouge. “It’s going well, I take it?”

A sullen pause seems to be the only answer Rouge is willing to give until he finishes his cigarettes. After brushing off a credible amount of ash away, he grumbles, ”Yes.”

“Ah, my dear, so it really would’ve never worked out between us. How could I have competed with a piss-smelling hobo living in a dirty van? But don’t fret, sweet rival of mine, I still hold a special place in my heart from our delightful fraternity days-”

“Disgusting. Awful. Should you not wait to enact psychological warfare upon me until after our ten? At least you’ll be paid for the effort,” Rouge says stiffly. He sighs, rubbing his temples. “Take me back to Respawn. I need more ammo and cigarettes.” 

Rouge hands him a blade. Bleu cackles, not minding that Rouge has somehow stolen his own butterfly knife off him. Quite talented at that, those quick hands, even amongst other spies. 

“But of course,” he says, and slits RED Spy’s throat neatly.

For a very entertaining day ahead of him, it’s the least he can do 

---

Sniper gets cornered on the way to supper after his shift. It’s Spy, who looks unusually harried. 

“Promise me,” Spy says, serious, “Promise me you will not wear that thing around your neck in public.”

Sniper almost sputters. Awfully bold of Spy to bring it up in the middle of the hallway, in public, which seems like the opposite of what he wants. That thing could only mean one item in particular. Sniper puts up his hands, hissing softly, “There's a reason why I became a sniper, spook. I like hidin’ and stayin’ out of sight. You think, of all people, that I’d be an exhibitionist?” 

He truly cannot think of a worst thing to do. It’s a hard pass, if Spy ever asks this sort of thing from him, and Sniper wonders if this is going to be some kind of boundary-setting conversation. He hopes it isn’t. Not in the middle of the hallway and not right before supper. He’ll have to take his meal up in a tree if the conversation goes poorly—he can already feel a haunting embarrassment creeping in.

“Are you?” Spy asks.

“No!”

-----------------------------

Note:

RED Spy = French Canadian

BLU Spy = Cajun

Neither are European French, though they both speak it professionally. (Professional Frenchmen.)

I suppose the reason Sniper thinks he sucks at learning French (on his own) is probably because Spy is speaking French Canadian in their private moments. Ah well!

[tsunotarou]

     Urges, Nagi had… urges. At times he wishes he didn't have any urges, cause it's a hassle to search and find something to fulfill said fucking urge. He just finished streaming for twelve hours. What was he doing? Well… he played minecraft for an hour, then spent the rest on XIV doing his dailies, crafting, and weekly resets. In between that he had snacked on a few things; chips, candies, the bento box that Reo had personally made from one of his chefs. Shit like that. What's great about streaming is that nobody really knows what his personal life was. His chat did know that he lived with someone though they didn't know who that exact someone was.

      He'd get asked about Reo all the time. Didn't bother him, not one bit. Fans tend to stay with their idols until a controversial moment appears. Nagi made sure to keep any Reo-related things out of view from his camera. Including the damn toy that was proudly sitting on the nightstand, nearly in frame of said camera.  He'd earn a good portion today, too, promising his viewers that he'll do another subathon if soccer doesn't take all his time. He's still on hiatus. 

       He tripled checked to make sure everything was turned off on his screen; it wouldn't be appropriate if he just got up, stripped out of his clothes then changed into pajamas. He's doing his best to avoid being banned. Nagi perks up at the sound of the door being opened, twisting halfway in his chair to see Reo— walking into his ‘ man cave ‘. “Oh, welcome home, work was okay?” Ever since his boyfriend announced his pregnancy, Nagi's been more attentive? If that was one way to put it. It’s only been a week since that announcement… he was lingering his gaze on his stomach to see if anything would be different. Nope. Flat, toned, not even the smallest amount of chub around the heir’s perfect frame. When he’s bored he looks up things about pregnancy; how men can experience ‘ parental postpartum depression ‘, the birth giver can go through more hardships than the men can. It’s intriguing, he’ll give it that… but he doesn’t think Reo will do anything to risk their newborn child. Neither will he. He has no reason to do anything drastic, why would he? It’s a hassle to risk it all for something inevitable, right? He’s listening to Reo ramble about his day, brown hues fixated on the heir walk around the room that was decorated with their trophies from games, Nagi’s bookcase that was filled with manga and video games. There’s some pictures that were off to the far right side of the room; photos of them visiting England, Paris, others had their friends in it. 

               Reo’s talking about… some shit. His father? No, nobody wants to hear about how Mr. Mikage has his head constantly up his ass. When the day strikes that that old man kicked the bucket, he thinks he’ll propose to Reo right away. Fucked as ever, doing that is borderline psychotic. Maybe that’s too close to comfort. He didn’t care. The quicker the guy’s dead the faster he and Reo can live their lives normally. “ … Reo, “ he spoke up after the heir finished talking, finally taking a glance at him as he spun completely in his chair to face him. Nagi wanted him. Just for a little, he can be selfish without meaning to— it’s not his fault that he’s attracted to nothing else that wasn’t Reo. Reo’s his world, his life, his damn being. One hand lightly rubbed against his left thigh, over the bagged jeans he was wearing,  non-verbally signaling that he wanted the other to come closer.

  “... I want your mouth on me.” Vague. His expression stayed blank, fixated on the expression that would morph over the heir’s perfect face. Watching, waiting. Will he get it? The itch that had to be scratched? Possibly…. Reo’s in a good mood ( or so he thinks ), and he’ll be damned if he gets denied. That’ll be embarrassing. Where was he supposed to put all this pent up frustration? It would be less ‘ romantic ‘ if he outwardly told him that he wants his dick sucked, so…. Nagi takes the softer, ‘ pg-13 approach. ‘   " I'm frustrated. " Coded for: ' i want reo to take care of me. please. '

Being exhausted was such an understatement for the heir. Perhaps the cold, cloudy weather wasn't helping anyone, but Reo just felt downright exhausted after being at the bureau all day. It'd been like that the past few days. Exhausted, worn out --- all of the above. He didn't really remember being this tired after his day at the office, but now? It dragged, BAD. Reo was still just sitting in his car, even after pulling into the car port. Fingers turned the vehicle off yet the young male just continued to sit there for a bit, his arms slowly lowering into his lap. Violet eyes followed suit, looking down at his own hands silently. Soon enough, it's gonna get a bit difficult to see his lap. Let alone seeing where his feet land when walking. But, that was one of the ailments of carrying your child, right? A small smile graced Reo's face as he lazily rubbed his hand over his flat stomach for a moment ; as if he was about to gaslight himself about feeling his child move. " Let's go see what Daddy's been up to... "

After managing his way inside, after locking and arming everything outside, Reo took it upon himself to finally get comfortable. Bag down, coat off, scarf off, shoes off, slippers on, hair down --- all that was left was to shower and get into comfier clothes. But first, he had to check in on his boyfriend. He remembered the other mentioning something about streaming today, so it was only natural for Reo to pop in and see how that went.

" --- Naagi, I'm home. " Perhaps he should have knocked before just walking in on the other, but it was too late. Reo announced his arrival even before getting the door open. He wasn't met with any drastic measures to get him out of the room ; so it was safe to say that his boyfriend was done streaming. Instead, he was met with the other turning towards him --- welcoming him home and asking if work was alright. The gesture made him smile as the heir continued his way into Nagi's little streaming area.

" Yeah, it was alright. Just like any other day. " Reo walked deeper into the room, dragging his feet a bit. " Father had me consult with our multiple marketing agencies so we can plan for the press release at the end of the week. Then he pulled me in for another meeting about our finances, which I've told him multiple times that I have it handled, and--- " As soon as he heard Nagi speak his name, the heir turned his attention towards his boyfriend. Surely he can't blame him for not wanting to hear his rant about his father and work and business management.

" Hm? " He hummed, catching sight of Nagi fully turning towards him now. He had quite the blank expression on his face, which isnt too different from the usual Nagi expression that he wore. However, something about this one seemed... different. Reo cocked an eyebrow, and as soon as he did, Nagi continued. And when he did, violet eyes widened slightly.

I want your mouth on me. The way he said it sent a chill down his spine. Reo took a step forward, following another without realizing. What does he even mean by that? Did he want a kiss or something? No, apparently Nagi was frustrated. Why was he frustrated? Was he frustrated with Reo? Was it something he did or didn't do? Suddenly, Reo's exhaustion was washed away, and was now replaced with uncertainty as his brows knit together.

" --- Frustrated? " Reo frowned a bit, ending up right in front of Nagi's chair. Leaning down, the heir just cupped the other's face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Hopefully that would make him feel at least a little better? " I'm sorry you're frustrated... Did you have a bad stream or something? " Thumbs brushed over pale cheeks gently. Another kiss was pressed between those brows. Nagi did say he wanted his mouth on him --- so Reo figured he could just litter him with kisses. That's what he wanted, right? " After I shower, I can play a game with you, if you'd like? Or we can watch a movie or something? "

[dreamwatch]

STWG daily drabble - 05/10/23

Prompt: quiet

****

Working nights meant that Wayne could be home for Eddie when it mattered. There in the morning to get him off to school, there in the afternoon to make sure he ate and started his homework. Despite what the good folks of Hawkins thought, Forest Hill’s was a safe neighbourhood, with good people. Good people that watched over Eddie at night. It all worked out fine.

Except when he got phone calls in the middle of the day calling him to the school. That was not fine. That pissed him off royally.

Another fight. Thing is, Eddie is a good kid but he’s hot headed, has a temper a little like his father. And if you rile him up just enough he will go off like a rocket. The other kids know this. So they push his buttons and Eddie being Eddie won’t stand down. And so… another fight, and another phone call to see Principal Higgins.

He’s ushered into the the principal’s office and sees Eddie sitting there, knee jiggling up and down at hundred miles an hour. It jangles Wayne’s nerves and he wants to reach over and hold it still. Until he notices the tissue shoved up Eddie’s nose, and the purpling eye and cheek. Eddie looks up at him like he’s on death row, so he pats him on the shoulder and gives him a little squeeze. The knee jiggling calms.

“Mister Munson, thank you for coming. I think you can see why you’ve been called to the school.”

Wayne’s eyes flick between Eddie and Principal Higgins, Eddie steadfastly looking at the floor, Principal Higgins eyes sharp and beady.

“I can see someone beat my boy.”

Higgins shuffles some paper on his desk. “Mister Munson, Edward started a fight- “

“I did not,” Eddie pipes up, shaking his head, still looking at the floor.

“Edward started a fight,” Higgins repeats, raising his voice over Eddie’s, “with another boy, during the middle of an English class. This is not behaviour we can condone at Hawkins High, I’m sure you’re aware of that, we’ve called you here enough times.”

Wayne has never liked this man. His tone, his shifty eyes, his three strands of hair combed across the top of his balding head.

“Are you aware that Edward’s grades are such that he will not be graduating?”

No. No he was not. And it takes every ounce of strength not to look at Eddie and give that little nugget over to this shit of a man.

“Your point?” he asks.

Principal Higgins sighs. “My point, Mister Munson,” and there’s that fucking tone again, patronising asshole, “is that with Edward’s behavioural issues, and his lack of academic ability, it may be wise to consider if high school is the best option for him, or if leaving school and getting a job, perhaps gaining a trade, would be more appropriate.”

“Eddie doesn’t have ‘behavioural issues’.”

“Mister Munson, I have worked in the school system for over thirty years. I know when a child has behavioural issues. With Edward’s… troubled upbringing that’s obviously to be expected. Up to a point.”

Wayne is vibrating with anger, and he can feel Eddie beside him, coiled and ready to pounce. Wayne reaches across and drops his hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Half for comfort, half to keep him in place.

“Principal Higgins. I have been called to this school a number of times over the years. Different fights, with different boys, but you know something? I don’t remember a single time Eddie didn’t take the fall for some snot nosed pissant-“

“Mister Munson!”

“I’m talking now. Some varsity basketball player or wrestler starts mouthing off at my boy to get him to bite and they get their feelings hurt when he does. But it’s Eddie that comes off worse, or ends up with a suspension. Every single time. Because heaven forbid they muddy their records before they start applying for their scholarships, right?

“And you talk about his failing school. Eddie’s smart. He’s good at math, he writes stories, and he’s always read above his age group. He reads about history, and not just the little bit you teach him here. So maybe Eddie’s not failing school. Maybe the school is failing Eddie.”

They stare at each other across the desk for a few moments, and Wayne is delighted. He has this asshat on the back foot.

“You okay over there, Principal Higgins? You’re awful quiet.”

Wayne gets up and taps Eddie on the shoulder to follow him.

“My son will not be in school for the rest of the week on account of the injuries suffered under the watchful eye of one of your own teachers. He’ll be back on Monday.” He leads Eddie out, but before they leave he turns back to face the principal.

“Oh and one more thing. Eddie will be back in the fall, and I know you and your excellent teaching staff will be giving him all the support he needs to graduate.” Higgins looks about ready to explode, and Wayne is delighted. “Have a good day, Principal.”

[canirove]

Declan Rice Imagine | five

Author’s note: This is a request an anon sent me earlier this month with the prompt "So you're sure you love me?" "We've been together for five years and we're getting married next month, what do you think?". It is a lot shorter than what I usually write, but this is the only thing my brain was able to come up with 😅 Hope you like it, and as always, thank you for reading! 💜

Masterlist

“I think we may have some of those left in the other room. Let me go check.”

“Thank you” Declan smiles as the florist leaves us alone. “What was that?”

“Uh?”

“That long and deep sigh you just let out.”

“Nothing” I say.

“I know you and it was something. That's what you do when you are worried about something.”

“I'm fine, Declan.”

“You just crossed your arms over your chest.”

“And?”

“And that's another thing you do when something worries you. C'mon, tell me about it” he says, taking my hand on his.

“The florist is gonna be back any moment now.”

“Judging by her face she's probably gonna be gone for a while looking for those flowers, so c'mon” he smiles, squeezing my hand.

“It's… I… Ok” I say, taking a deep breath. “Declan, are you sure that you love me?”

“What?” he laughs. “What kind of question is that?”

“Are you still in love with me?” 

“We've been together for five years and we are getting married next month. Of course I love you!” he chuckles. 

“But… I… It doesn't matter” I say, shaking my head.

“It does matter” he says, caressing my cheek with his other hand and making me look at him. “If it didn't, you would not have asked me something like that or look this worried.”

“It's just… Everything has been a chaos since you asked to marry you, you know? Like, nothing has gone as it should since the moment you got down on one knee, and maybe you are regretting asking me or even being with me because this is like a sign of us not working out. This is the universe telling us to stop.”

“The universe knows shit. I don't regret asking you to marry me, and I definitely don't regret being with you. Asking out has been one of the best decisions of my life, and like I just told you, I love you” he says, emphasising those last three words.

“But everything has kept going wrong, Declan. For example, we started it all with the ring you got me being too big, me almost losing it that day, and then not being able to wear it for months because they had to resize it.”

“And that was all my fault because I got your size wrong. But while we waited for it to be fixed, you got to wear a different one that you got to choose yourself and that you also love and can wear daily, not just on special occasions.”

“That's true, yes. But like I said, that was just the beginning of our problems. The place where we wanted to get married was completely booked for two years, and the next one we liked and that was important for your family, wasn't available either.”

“But they say third time's a charm, and we found a venue that has everything we liked from the first place, and that actually has an important meaning for our families since both your dad and my mum used to spend their holidays in that area when they were kids.”

“Ok, fine. That turned out pretty well. But what about the catering, uh? We have gone crazy looking for one who fitted everything we wanted and that was appropriate for our guests since they have different diets, allergies…”

“That was a bit of a headache, yes” he chuckles. “But thanks to my brother, it is all fixed now and there won't be any problem.”

“The bridesmaids dresses! We are a month away, and the girls still haven't received them!”

“But you already found a plan b, didn't you? And the dress that matters is yours, and that one is ready for the big day.”

“The flowers" I continue. "Another thing we don't have ready yet. What if she can't find the ones we want? We can't have a venue without flowers, Declan!”

“And we won't” he says, squeezing my hand again.

“It's been all problem after problem. Can't you see it?”

“We've struggled a bit, yes. But what couple doesn't?”

“It hasn't been just a bit, Declan!” I say while letting go of his hand, some of the other clients looking our way since I've raised my voice more than I should. 

“Ok, we've struggled a lot to make it work. But now we have almost everything under control.”

“Almost, you just said it. And something else can go to hell from here to the actual day. Like my hairdresser getting sick, or the bus that has to take the guests to the venue getting a flat tire, or…”

“Or nothing” he says, putting his hands on my shoulders to try and calm me down. “Organising a wedding is stressful, ok? There are too many things to worry about, and feeling like this is normal. But I'm not going to stop loving you because things haven't gone as smooth as we thought they would.”

“Then you don't... Despite all the problems you don't regret asking me to marry you? Loving me?”

“I don't regret loving you or asking you to marry me, no. In fact…” he says, moving his hands from my shoulders to my waist. “I'm thinking about doing it again.”

“What?” I laugh.

“Asking you to marry me. You have doubts about me not loving you anymore because things aren't going as we would like them to go regarding the wedding, so to show you that I do love you as much as a did when I first asked you, probably even more, and that I regret nothing…” he says, getting on one knee and taking my hand on his. 

“You are crazy” I laugh again.

“For you? I am, yes” he smiles. “So this time I am going to change my question. My love… Would you marry this man who is so crazy in love with you, that he is asking you to marry him again in the middle of a florist's and with people definitely looking at him and thinking, is he ok?”

“Yes, Declan. I want to marry you again even if you are embarrassing me in front of everyone” I chuckle.

“Are you sure? Because this is forever, and me being embarrassing is part of the deal. It will happen again.”

“Oh, don't worry. I've known you are like this since the first time I said yes. It's part of your charm” I tease him.

“That's a bit rude but cute at the same time” he says, standing up. “And looks like we now have to kiss” he says when the few people at the florist's start clapping.

“Yep.”

“But before we do it, there is something I have to say.”

“Ok.”

“I love you. I loved you when I first asked you to marry me, I love you now, and I will love you forever.”

“I love you too, Declan. Forever” I smile before kissing him, the other clients now clapping louder and even cheering for us.

[m34gs]

Another Saw AU ask!

This time it is the housewardens (and the dorms) up for evaluation as Saw Apprentices! Please tell me on a scale from 1 star (lowest) to 5 stars (most) where the dorms rank on the following categories:

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms

2. Organization/Punctuality

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment

Hi friend!!! Another Saw AU ask! Thank you! This will be so fun to answer, I am putting so much thought into it!!! For those unfamiliar, my friend @kimium and I have a Twisted Wonderland Sort of Saw Franchise AU. See my pinned post for links to other posts regarding it and our AO3 series!

I'm so excited for this ask! Sorry it took so long, I've had a lot going on this week...but I'm here now! (Answers under a cut because this will be LONG lol!)

Heartslaybul

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 4 stars. Riddle, of course, is always on top of his game and courteous. Cater is no slouch either, when it comes to actually impressing other people with his manners. He's pretty good at putting on masks, after all. It's Ace and Deuce who need a little *reminder* once in a while on how to act and conduct themselves.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 5 stars. Mostly because of Riddle. He is always on time and his traps tend to run closest to their estimated run times. The rest of Heartslaybul is also punctual, lest they be hit with Riddle's signature spell.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 3 stars. While Riddle is definitely here for the Justice aspect of it, the others are a little...less good at upholding the ideals. Deuce is really just there because the boss (Riddle) is, and because he likes being able to work closely with Ace. Cater...well Cater's true ideals are as of yet undiscussed but you *know* he probably doesn't fully buy into the "appreciate your life and change for the better" lesson John says they're giving people.

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 4 stars. Riddle would obviously do his best to ensure rules are followed but also that appropriate break times/measures are also instated. Cater is picking up the rest with his bubbly persona and making an effort to make sure everyone has something at the workplace to smile about. It may be a dusty old warehouse or abandoned workshop, or any other number of derelict places, but Cater's gonna make sure his friends have a little happiness in their days. Ace mostly complains, rather than trying to make the workplace better (Ace would like to point out he should not be blamed for this as they are literally murdering people and so he does not think putting up decorations and eating fancy dinners together completely offsets that vibe) and his whining often gets him in a scuffle with Deuce (they may be dating but they fight like an old married couple) which does bring down the workplace vibe a little bit and thus keeps them from achieving 5 stars.

Savanaclaw

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 3 stars. Leona's attitude and outward demeanor detract from the rating. However, Ruggie works his ass off to get the job done and get it done *right*, and Jack doesn't like acting what he views as rude. The efforts of the two of them earn them the 3 stars.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 5 stars. Despite how he often skips classes to nap and doesn't seem to really care about meeting deadlines or being on time, I believe Leona can be pretty punctual when he needs to. He wouldn't be so good at Spell Drive if he didn't have at least some sense of timing and punctuality. I also think that, despite him still thinking John is bat-shit fucking crazy, Leona prioritizes punctuality for the trap because it CANNOT interfere with his daily life and responsibilities as a prince, so as to not garner suspicion. Ruggie is also very punctual, since he often works many jobs and would never allow himself to be docked pay for being late if he could help it. And Jack would consider showing up late to be rude and disrespectful, so of course you know he would strive to be on time. John doesn't really have an issue with any of them regarding punctuality, and the traps are pretty organized in order to ensure they don't mess with Leona's life.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 1 star. Leona doesn't give a shit about John's ideology, he thinks he's fucking crazy. The main motivation for him is to go along with it to protect his own (Ruggie, Jack, Yuu, Grim, himself, etc.). We all know Ruggie would do anything for money, but John isn't paying them. Leona is (as per the murder fic for their dorm) but he's only doing that to make sure Ruggie is on board and therefore safe from John. I also think Ruggie would get a bit too vindictive at times, which is again not the ideology John is trying to "teach". Jack tries but he has a hard time stomaching a lot of things.

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 2 stars. Let's face it, they're not exactly enthused to be doing these little projects. The 2 stars comes from Jack's attitude and respect. Ruggie and Leona do not contribute. (Ruggie would like to argue he makes the environment very positive. Jack tells him they are being evaluated on the actual work, not the sex afterward...)

Octavinelle

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 5 stars. If there's one thing these boys know from running a restaurant chain, it's professionalism. Even Floyd can play along, if he feels it suits his interests. And he finds this work very interesting.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 4 stars. Jade and Azul are always on time and ready to go. And, let's be real, Azul has his traps planned to death and back again, with multiple back-up plans for any possible issues he can think of. Floyd is hit-or-miss, depending on his moods. He shows up relatively punctually the majority of the time, but if something grabs his attention...good luck getting him to show up at all.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 3 stars. See, for the most part they do it right, targeting people who "deserve" it and using it to protect their restaurant and staff; an arguably noble cause. But then, there's the fact that Jade's motivations also stem from wanting to see what would happen. He's the type of person to put someone in a death trap just to see what would happen. While that curiousity is not completely out of line with John's teachings, Jade's sadistic enjoyment from it is. Everyone knows Floyd just does what he finds interesting and fun. He doesn't feel overly attached to making the victims have a "change of heart" or "learn something". He prefers when they suffer and die. (this is why he's not allowed to do traps by himself. Azul and Jade both know he'd likely get bored or angry and just kill the person himself. And that would land them in a little bit of hot water with John, which they'd rather avoid).

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 4 stars. Overall, Jade and Floyd have a pretty positive attitude when working on traps. Once in a while, Floyd gets restless and distressed or distracted and starts messing with things or throwing fits. However, given the nature of the work, it doesn't take much to pull him out of that mood. Azul is really the one where they lose points here. As much as he makes sure proper body mechanics are being used so as not to wreck their backs and cause injury, and puts in all sorts of safeties for their group to make sure they don't get injured while on the job, his work habits follow him even here. He doesn't take breaks when he should, worries and stresses over every little piece of the plan, and basically continues to be a workaholic.

Scarabia

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 5 stars. Kalim is the oldest son of a wealthy merchant. You better believe he knows how to be professional and cordial in a work environment. His attitude may be described as "casual" by some, but in reality it's more "welcoming", which bodes very well for professionalism. Jamil is professional in a different way. He would lean more toward the formal and polite side of it. Neither way is necessarily wrong. John enjoys talking with both of them and discussing their traps with them.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 3 stars. Kalim's downfall is that he can be a bit scatter-brained. I do think he'd be a bit more organized after having graduated, but I don't think his old habits would go away entirely. Jamil is the one who keeps their plans neatly documented in folders and binders and makes sure they have all the supplies they need. I would also like to point out that it is harder for Kalim to participate in this part because he really doesn't enjoy the murder part, so he tries as much as possible not to think about it ahead of time.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 3 stars again. This time, it's Kalim pulling the weight. Kalim is the one who sees this less as something he wants to do and more as something he needs to do. It's a responsibility. He wants the world to be a better place and if this is a way to make that happen, he will try. Jamil is where they lose points. Jamil is the one who would create the inescapable traps. He sees it more as a way to hand down judgement and punishment on "deserving" people, rather than a way to teach them.

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 4 stars. As solemn as the job is for Kalim, and as vindictive as Jamil can be, the two of them try to have a rather positive workplace. Kalim always makes sure they take lots of breaks, so as not to get exhausted emotionally or physically, and Jamil always has many snacks prepared. The one star they get removed is because Jamil can get a little self-righteous and go on rants at times, which kind of detracts from the atmosphere.

Pomefiore

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 5 stars. Vil is the epitome of professionalism. He will allow nothing less in all that he does. Epel sometimes grumbles about needing to be so concerned over how they conduct themselves when putting people in murder traps, but he begrudgingly goes with it, dress code and all. (Vil makes them wear clothes suited to the job. He has issues with the robes and masks, but he understands the logic behind the disguise and agrees that it is not something anyone would expect Vil Schoenheit to be caught dead in, and so it makes a very good part of his alibi).

2. Organization/Punctuality: 5 stars. They are never late. Vil will not hear of it. Epel came close One(1) time, and Vil lectured for a full thirty minutes after they finished with the trap. In all honesty, Vil really can't afford to have things running late. He has a very busy, very public life. He can't afford any suspicions. His traps are planned down to the minute, with a small window of cushion time to allow if things go wrong.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 4 stars. Vil, much like Kalim, sees this less as something he really wants to do and more as a solemn responsibility. Rook finds there to be beauty in giving people a chance to change, and there is beauty in desperation and what people are willing to do to live. Epel sits in the corner and questions if Vil and Rook are actually ok or if they need some therapy (they do, but like so does all of the Twisted Wonderland cast). Epel is the one who doesn't fully buy John's ideology. However, he is respectful to John (his granny would kill him if she heard otherwise) and they have many discussions about right and wrong, so John finds he cannot dock too many points based on Epel's attitude.

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 4 stars. Vil does his best to make sure they have scheduled breaks and enough time to complete the traps without causing injury to themselves. Rook tends to light up the workplace with his mannerisms, and I like to think he brings in art to their various workplaces because a beautiful workplace can be inspiring and good for the soul, or so he says. He would also be the type to come up with all sorts of activities and exercises for team-building in the workplace. Epel is the one most likely to be pouty or moody or be an unwilling participant in whatever workplace bonding activities Rook comes up with.

Ignihyde

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 1 star. Listen. Idia's idea of "professionalism" for this job is wearing pants when he monitors the trap from the comfort of his basement, with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he chews on some gummy worms. The 1 star is because Ortho is always polite and well-polished when he interacts with John and when the trap is running.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 5 stars. Idia isn't playing around. He would never let a trap interfere with the important things in his life (playing video games, defeating bosses, participating in limited-time events for his mobile games, etc.). He's gonna make sure his traps are set up and start and end on time. And, he's more organized than he looks when it comes to tech. His workrooms and everything may seem chaotic, but he knows where everything is and has his traps planned out to every little detail. Each trap is like a challenge, and he does like showing off.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 2 stars. While Idia and Ortho do make sure to trap people who follow John's criteria for victims, Idia is more in it for the challenge of building the traps and Ortho is mostly in it because his brother is (though he doesn't mind getting revenge on people who piss them off...)

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 3 stars. Ortho is very positive and charismatic and charming in the work environment. Idia doesn't talk to anyone aside from Ortho unless he absolutely has to contact John, and even then it's usually via emails and rarely in person. Idia's also not exactly known for scheduling appropriate break times. He tends to get very wrapped up in watching his tech and making notes on what to improve and seeing if the victim can beat them...he often doesn't take breaks for hours at a time, depending on the trap's runtime. (Idia would like to point out in response to this evaluation that the workplace is VERY positive for him. "Nii-san. Please leave your computer, it's been six hours," Ortho begs in response.)

Diasomnia

1. Professional Conduct/Mannerisms: 5 stars. Malleus is a prince. He has been taught manners and how to conduct himself in a regal way since he was young. Lilia used to be a general. He knows how to behave professionally in the workplace. Sebek and Silver both feel they should maintain professional demeanor, as retainers to Malleus. John doesn't always understand all their mannerisms, but he does chalk most of that up to them being Fae and likely having different rules than humans, and he finds they are always polite and cordial so he really has no problem with their conduct.

2. Organization/Punctuality: 4 stars. Sometimes, Malleus gets lost in his own world (he is a Fae, after all, so his concept of time is very different at times). However, Lilia can find him most times and with his teleportation it is easy to be there relatively close to on-time. The rest of them are usually on time.

3. How well they uphold the Ideals of the Job: 3 stars. While Malleus does see this as an opportunity to make the world a safer place for Yuu, he also sees this as a way to sate some of his curiousity about humans. That's not *exactly* what John was going for, but he'll take what he can get. The rest of Diasomnia is basically there because Malleus is. They're not as interested in the actual work. Sebek tries to understand and follow John's teachings because Malleus seems to find them interesting, but I think his main motivation is still more about Malleus than the actual ideals John is trying to impart. Lilia is mostly there to be a bit of impulse control for Malleus, let's face it. And Silver feels he should be there out of duty to Malleus. So, really, Malleus (and sometimes Sebek) is the only one who sort of tries to follow John's ideals.

4. How they contribute to a positive work environment: 4 stars. They do their best. Lilia brings a lot of positivity and fun to the workplace to keep it stress-free. However, when Silver tests out parts for the traps, it drives him a little up the wall and he has to leave the workplace. The rest of the time, though, the workplace is rather positive and relatively relaxed as they plan the trap and set it up.

There you go! The evaluations of the dorms as Jigsaw Apprentices!! Hope you enjoyed my answers, this was a very fun ask!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Hello! I read your post about you stopped listening to The News Quiz for extremely understandable reasons. I'm still a half regular listener, and I really want you to know that Andy Zaltzman did a pun run in the most recent show. I'm not suggesting you should check it out or anything, I just want you to know that our guy Andy finally did his torturous punny thing to a Radio 4 studio audience and got appropriate reaction for it. My opinion is that is great.

Oh that's great information, thank you! For anyone reading without context, I'd been a regular News Quiz (and Now Show) listener since around 2009, initially fuelled because I was just coming to the end of my teenage years and that was my "figuring out I'm gay" period, and I think that period in a person's life is always best accompanied by spending half an hour a week, in a six weeks on/twelve weeks off rotation, listening to a crew of lesbians talk shit about the British government. In this case, Sandi Toksvig was still hosting then and I was entirely in love with her, but they also had regular guests Susan Calman, Sue Perkins, Zoe Lyons. And some non-lesbians too, I guess. This was when I first got into Mark Steel.

I continued following it even after Sandi Toksvig quit the show and left me heartbroken (I spent several years hating QI on principal for the crime of taking Sandi Toksvig away from The News Quiz, until it occurred to me that if I want to hear more from Sandi Toksvig, I could just watch QI), and eventually I warmed to Miles Jupp as well. Got quite into some other regular contributors as well. One of my favourites was a guy named Nish Kumar, whom I assumed was about 55 years old, because I'd never seen his face and I assume most people on The News Quiz are about 55 years old. I was very surprised when I first watched Taskmaster in 2020.

Around that time Miles Jupp left as well, and the hosting job was taken over by frequent News Quiz guest Andy Zaltzman. He was, of course, great at it. However, I stopped following The News Quiz in about 2023, for several reasons:

By that time I'd finished listening to The Bugle's back catalogue, and was listening to each new episode as it aired. A lot of Andy's jokes on The News Quiz are just condensed (due to a shorter runtime) and watered-down (to meet BBC standards) versions of what he did on The Bugle that same week. Also, if any guest on The News Quiz was really good, then Andy would invite them on The Bugle and I'd get to hear them there anyway. So it felt redundant to listen to both.

They took the podcast out of regular podcast feeds, and I couldn't be bothered to mess with the BBC Sounds app.

I found myself skipping News Quiz episodes more and more often, due to them having guests I don't want to listen to, who were brought in for BBC balance. Across-the-board right-wingers like Geoff Norcott or Simon Evans, and TERFs - they went from occasional drop-ins, to a point where at least one person like that was turning up most weeks. And I don't want that in my entertainment. I do my duty as a citizen and listen to CBC news regularly, to get the facts and balance from people doing proper journalism, and sometimes that involves listening to people say things that make me angry. I don't need to also have that in my comedy shows, when I'm trying to be entertained.

The news was getting increasingly depressing, and while I do stay informed, I don't need to hear the same horrific news stories repeated that many times, by that many different people. I already follow the real news (via actual journalists at CBC) every day, The Bugle once a week, and Last Week Tonight. I dropped The Daily Show around that time too, for the same reason. Just don't need more way to re-hash it.

Obviously the person who sent me that ask does not need all this recapped, as you said you already know my reasons. However, none of my reasons for dropping The News Quiz from my regular listening schedule are that I hate that show and never want anything to do with it again, so I am happy to jump in and hear this as a one-off chance at a pun run on the BBC. I went and listened to the whole episode, and it was quite a good one. Mark Steel's not been on The Bugle for a while, so fun to hear him being livid at the news again, although I find it more fun when he has time to bounce off Andy. And I love that Zoe Lyons is still there.

Anyway, here's the only part of this post that's actually worth looking at, the pun run itself:

Fucking great. I love how he just casually worked his way into it, and you don't get that "penny drop" moment of when the others realize where it's going, because unlike Bugle co-presenters, they're not expecting it. He just kept talking and they let him. I'm glad Taskmaster success hasn't changed him.

[ur-mom-64209]

Would you mind giving a detailed description of your thoughts about Billy Hargrove? I've been trying to get a lot of information from both ends of the argument on this topic. If not I one hundred percent understand!

yeah sure

i'll start with the easiest thing i can, he's racist. canonically racist. he specifically targeted lucas. he said "people like him" (if it's not word for word oh well) when referring to lucas. you can't really defend that.

why does this matter to me? i'm not black, but it still matters. i'm mexican and have been told i have the darkest skin out of everyone in my family. i've experienced racism in many forms.

1. casual

jokes about my skin color, jokes about my culture, shit like that. usually followed up with "it's just a joke"

2. passive aggressive

more silent racism, like the stereotypical white woman clutching her purse as i walk by. like you just know they want to call you some shit but they don't

3. flat out aggressive

slurs, trying to fight me (idk why though)

4. miscellaneous (idk what section to add these to)

people saying they "don't see my color", denial of their racism, saying white privilege doesn't exist, sexualization, cultural appropriation, tokenism

so i am pretty sure i can confidently say i have seen and experienced racism, so i know what it looks like.

and obviously i know racism will look a bit or very different when applied to different races.

examples: i have never been called the n word, that's something black people experience. i have never had comments made on my eyes/had them been made fun of, that's something mainly asian people experience (same with stereotypes on food).

i have a lot of people of color in my friend group, and we have all discussed what racism we've experienced. and guess what, billy has done what some of my friends have described. crazy how that happens.

yes yes, i know he's fictional. but does that automatically mean i'm going to throw away my morals at the sight of fiction? no.

another thing is SOME of his fans have god awful takes.

example 1. saying that 12 year old mike wheeler was more racist than billy was.

yes what mike said in season 2 was racist. but racism is racism. mike had one situation of my knowledge. billy did what i previously said, and acted violently. if you say him grabbing and pinning 12-13 year old lucas against that dish cabinet or whatever the fuck that was, wasn't violent or attacking, reevaluate why you think it isn't.

then obviously there is him trying to run the party off the road, he saw lucas in the group and only have a shit max was hanging out with lucas.

he didn't care that dustin had obvious feelings for max, billy only cared about lucas being around max.

example 2. he was possessed by the mind flayer, he had no control.

that was in season 3, not season 2. yes he was possessed in season 3, but in season 2 he didn't even know about the upside down, so that argument is entirely irrelevant when discussing season 2 billy.

and yes i know he was abused, and that's tragic that he's relatable. i would never wish what he and a noticeable part of his fan base have experienced.

i also know his abuse traumatized him into commiting the actions that he did. i think it's pretty unfair when people who are anti billy say things that can quite literally mean "just get over it". but i also think it's incredibly unfair when people who are pro billy just ignore the negative impact he left.

i had some difficultly rewatching some of his scenes that he was in, because of his racism. again, i experience racism daily. so i'll say it again, i can't just throw away my morals for fiction, i'm sorry, i just can't.

[bloomingdead]

it’s so weird to me how oblivious people are to the reason why adam mcintyre took so long to be taken seriously by the whole internet. i keep seeing posts questioning why this was all swept under the rug three years ago, but the answer is so obvious to me. adam was a child during his relationship with colleen and was still a minor when he came forward about his experiences. most of colleen/miranda’s fans are all underage. most people “grow out of” miranda sings as they get older, and likely never interact with her content again. i have friends who have and i myself grew out of miranda’s content, forgetting about it rather than processing how weird her videos and live shows were. 

 obviously the other people in the same position as him were too young to understand how truly odd it is for a THIRTY+ YEAR OLD WOMAN to be engaging with her underage fans the way she did. they all either had been in or would die to be in adam’s shoes! every teenager would probably shit themselves to directly interact with someone they consider famous or even more so their idol. but as you get older, and you start to understand “oh, actually, that was really weird,” it’s harder to ignore what you or others have gone through. the people adam considered friends who turned against him were all still confused about their position and importance in colleen’s life, but more than half of them probably got dropped (if not all) after her apology in 2020. and that probably made them think, “wait, if colleen thinks our relationship is inappropriate enough to abandon me, then maybe it was inappropriate the whole time.” 

i wouldn’t be surprised to find out that less than 10% of colleen’s fans are over the age of 18. in fact it would be interesting if through all this she is pressured to, or someone does the hacking to, release her analytics information showing that a majority of her fans are ages 12-16. i know i stopped watching her at about 15 years old. i was embarrassed of MY humor, not hers. i closed that chapter of gross, inappropriate, sometimes offensive humor and never looked back. even though she was a grown ass woman promoting the humor she does to a “pg13 audience,” i never thought about it for how serious it was. because i didn’t know, because i was just a kid.

i feel like the internet has just started realizing in the last 5, maybe 7 years, that NO adult/minor internet relationship is appropriate. unless there’s a reason, like work/school/family, there’s no excuse for a famous internet personality to be speaking almost daily with a minor. a minor doesn’t need to know about your relationship issues, work drama, or any weird miniscule details about your life. there’s no reason, with such different stages in each person’s life, to be interacting with one another. 

the reason adam was ignored all those years ago was because an adult who was directly involved called him a liar. to which other adults who see no reason to interact with a minor because they’re not fucking weirdos, went “okay, this minor is not my business” and disappeared from the situation. while other under-18′s who didn’t have the life experience to know better, went along and destroyed adam’s internet presence in favor of colleen. and now, that same adult who was directly involved (kodee tyler) admitted they lied (to save herself from impending fallout), so this situation is back in the spotlight because adults will only listen to other adults. and now, because adam is an adult too, other adults feel comfortable getting the story straight from him.

but anyway, i think we need to stop asking why he was ignored for so long and instead ask ourselves how we can prevent this from happening to other teens on the internet. to me it’s obvious this was able to go on so long because colleen’s internet personality is targeted directly towards minors and so only minors were involved in or witnessed the drama. now they’re old enough to conceptualize what adam (or they themselves) went through, speak out about it, and actually be taken seriously because they have grown into adults themselves.

[alexstorm]

at least we have this space here to talk, try to speculate anything about Hozier’s life out there and his fans will attack you in a hot minute. // I agree with what mod said. also I think alex has brought it on himself a little bit with the way he’s behaved in relationship. he would say Arielle’s name at concerts (before singing songs he wrote about alexa might I add lmao), and publicly serenade Taylor and the matching tattoos. Not to mention the pda he would openly show with both. you can’t behave that way and then expect total privacy. Obviously people are gonna talk when u do shit like that. That’s why I think it’s odd sometimes when people describe Alex as super private. He’s only private in relationships when he wants to be, abt half the time. Hozier is consistently a private person and bc he has earned enough appreciation of his music, people choose to respect that privacy

Well, I do think Alex has earned that same appreciation of his music, it's just like you said, he contradicts it with all his other behaviour. He says he doesn't want to talk about the people he wrote songs about but then you see him in pap pics at the Daily Fail (paps called or not) with said people. I can't remember ever having seen pap pics of Hozier. He also frequents pap hot spots which he was able to avoid being photographed at most of the time but not all times (e.g. Chiltern Firehouse, Bowery, Il Pellicano, Sunset Tower). He's part of a members-only club with a no photos policy but still allows people to take pics with him there. Then why pay shit ton of money if you don't take advantage of the privacy that comes with that pricey membership? He walks red carpets/attends events with girlfriends when he feels like it but avoids them at other times. Like, consistency anyone?

Of course people are confused by all of that and want to understand. That's why they're intrigued whereas Hozier gets the appropriate privacy because he's consistent in his actions.

[romantic-reveries]

I don’t mean to be petty or mean, but this has been one of the toughest weeks, mentally, that I’ve had in a very long time. There’s a lot of change going on at work that I don’t like and will have to adjust to. It is what it is, whatever.

I get home late last night from going to a comedy show - it wasn’t my intention to be out late on a work night, but the show was rescheduled from a Sunday last year to last night. I didn’t get home until 10.

That, combined with the fact that I’ve been so stressed this week that I’m having ideations, and I haven’t slept well since last Saturday, I thought - hey, maybe I’ll just take tomorrow off and catch up on rest. I don’t do that often, but every once in awhile, if I wake up feeling really shitty and like I just can’t do it that day, I’ll take it. My boss really doesn’t care as long as work gets done anyway.

But my grandma got all shirty with me about it - “well, tell me why you would do that.” Because I want to? Because it’s been a really hard week for me and I could use it? And she’s like “well, I guess we just won’t go to that thing.” The thing being an event I’ve been trying to push myself to go to at the library - they have a monthly meet up where you meet up with a group and go out to eat. She’s like “I just don’t feel like it’s appropriate to take a sick day and then go out.” And how she was raised in a different time. And I do get that, but newsflash: that world doesn’t fucking exist anymore.

It flew all over me. I very rarely get mad at my grandma, but I blew up about how I’m not a child, and if I wanted to take off work and then go shake my ass at the club, I could. It’s my business. I could have taken off today and STILL gone to the library thing by my goddamn self.

But it made me feel like shit. She’s never really cared - or at least kept it to herself - when I’ve taken days before when I wasn’t necessarily that “sick” I just woke up and didn’t feel good. I don’t do it often. I get my work done. Like, it genuinely makes me want to die, thinking about having to work 40 hours a week for the next 60 years, if I make it that long. If I need a fucking day off every now and then when I’m struggling, and I work at a place that allows that kind of flexibility, why can’t I take it?

Also, our boss is so deep in the hole anyway, it’s pathetic. He fired one girl, moved two more to part time, so four days a week, there’s only five of us in the office, when there used to be eight daily. And I guess maybe that’s my grandma’s issue, but I’m sorry - fuck this place! I don’t give a shit. It’s a JOB. I have no loyalty to them. I’m not gonna actively fuck shit up, but I am my priority - not them. And if he’s made himself so short staffed that me calling off is an issue because of his own financial irresponsibility, that simply is not my problem.

So I got up and dragged my ass to work today. I don’t even give a shit about going to the library thing tonight anymore, it was just the principle of it. I’m not a kid and you don’t get to threaten me with loss of privileges because I “skipped school” or whatever. I’m thinking about just telling her to go with the other lady she invited tonight and I’ll stay home.

And THEN, the cherry on top - she’s one of the ones cut back to part time, so she has Mondays and Fridays off now. She took Tylenol PM last night to sleep better. I had to go home on lunch today because I forgot to take some of my medicines. It’s almost 11 AM, and she’s sitting on the couch in her pajamas. She goes “oh, I didn’t get up until 10 o’clock. I was so tired.” Well, me fuckin’ too, but here we are.

And it’s not even about her being off. I recognize that she’s worked for a long time and she’s a lot older than me. She DESERVES to be retired and I wish we lived in a world that facilitated that better. But it’s shitty for her to have made me feel bad for wanting to call in and then be like “ahh, what a nice lie in I had! I really needed that!”.

And she can tell I’m still irritable about it and she’s like “well why don’t you put in a slip to take off Monday?” Because I don’t want to. I wanted to be off today because I’ve had a hard week, I haven’t slept well in days, and I was out late last night. I’m hoping I’ll feel a lot better by Monday, in which case, I won’t need it. You can’t pre-plan a mental health day like that. If I was taking off for a specific reason, an event, a long weekend, okay, but that’s not what today was supposed to be, and it’s not what Monday would be.

And really this started a couple nights ago because I was talking about how stupid and unfair the whole system is and she was making me feel stupid for feeling how I feel. I get that not everyone thinks how I do. That most people don’t have the compassion I do. Whatever. That doesn’t mean I have to like or accept it. And if I’m bringing it to someone I love and trust just to vent - because there’s nothing fucking else I can do about it - I don’t think it’s insane to think they could at least validate it instead of acting like I’m being silly and irrational because they simply don’t understand.