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veliseraptor · 4 years

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2020 Fanfiction Round-Up

I do one of these every year! And have since I think 2016. Can’t break a tradition even if it’s been a clusterfuck of a time and filling this out was in some ways an exercise in remembering the ways I have failed myself as a writer this year.

But oh well!

Total Year-Long Wordcount: I’ll post the final final number tonight after I finish the writing I want to do this afternoon (and plan to do this afternoon), but it’s currently 451,803 words written this year. Guessing I’m going to land somewhere around 453,000ish. (AO3 claims a higher number than that but that’s because it is counting the entirety of fics where I posted chapters this year.

This year I wrote and posted: I wrote a fair number more than I posted (there are five fics finished but for various reasons unposted on my hard drive) but based on Tumblr I posted 78 posts in my fic tag, which, not including chapter specific updates and three sentence meme answers (but including at least two Tumblr-only longer fics), probably comes out to about 60 or so “full length” fics that saw the light of day in 2020.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

Well, I wrote more than I did last year, which is sort of a surprise to me (all things considered) but also maybe not, because I was doing a lot less of most other things that could’ve been occupying my time, including two hours daily of commuting.

But still less than I did in 2018. Which is fine.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Lord, I don’t know. It depends on when you ask me. Lately I’ve been in a bit of a “I hate everything I’ve written ever” state of mind, so that makes it sort of hard to do any kind of...reasonable assessment.

I know I’m proud of With Absolute Splendor but I have all these reservations about it and I can’t reread it for the most part because I always notice new things I wish I’d done differently. I feel pretty good about efforts in a common cause but something about it still makes me cringe, which I suspect has to do with my general self-consciousness. I have a hard time feeling unreservedly proud about...anything I wrote this year, really.

I feel like the closest I get is maybe nor autumn falter which I am pretty pleased with and also which does hurt me a lot personally. Or I did end up overall pretty pleased with what came out of By Proxy.

But also the more I look at this question the more I start hating all my own work, so...guess this is kind of coming at a bad time.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I mean, I started writing in my first non-English fandom in many years, and specifically one where I was trying to engage more with the cultural background of the setting (in a way I wasn’t with, say, Death Note, when I was writing Death Note fic). So that was a risk. And I learned that it’s very stressful and there’s so many ways to make mistakes and I am, in many ways, a coward. But also I think I’ve learned a fair amount thanks to a lot of very patient people on the internet, so...there’s that.

Otherwise...I mean, I got ambitious with a few projects this year (the Big Bang fic and With Absolute Splendor stand out), but I’m not sure how much I really tried new things.

I feel like I had to fight myself a little on writing straight up bad sex for By Proxy - I planned on it being hot, and it really wasn’t. It was mostly just miserable. Which made for a better fic, but was a new experience for me as far as ‘I thought I was going to write porn and that isn’t what I wrote.’

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year:

By far, With Absolute Splendor. In fact, it has now become my second most kudosed fic of all time, behind only fuckin Life in Reverse. So like. That’s a thing.

(It is still less than half as many as Life in Reverse, but for context Life in Reverse has been around for going on eight years.)

Most fun story to write:

Most fics where I feel like “I’m having so much fun writing this!” also go through a “oh god I hate this it’s terrible” phase which makes this sort of hard to assess. But I did have overall a lot of fun writing Mutual Friends despite all my frustration with the canon-wrangling I had to do to make it work in my head.

But also I feel like both Retributive Justice and Embedded were in different ways deeply iddy fics that were just fun to write. That actually goes for a lot of the Whumptober fics. That was a very self-indulgent month. Excited to do it again in February (hopefully, if I can write things in a timely manner at all).

Story with the single sexiest moment:

I feel like the beauty of your repair might be my personal favorite smut I posted this year, but I think my personal favorite that I wrote is in the big bang fic nobody will see until January.

I feel like most of the sexiest moments I’ve written this year are in the porn fics I’m going to start posting in January also. But just generally I feel like the beauty of your repair is the sexiest thing I wrote and posted.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

I mean, I Come With Knives is definitely up there. It’s not that wrong or anything, but it got pretty intense in some ways I wasn’t expecting. Mostly in how much blood got involved, which was actually more than I’d had it involved in a sex thing before! Kind of surprises me that I haven’t previously done more with bloodplay stuff but. Well. First time for everything!

I don’t think this was a year that really had any “wow, what the fuck, Lise” things in it. Nothing on the level of last year’s winner. I’m almost disappointed in myself.

Abattoir was definitely the story that generated the weirdest conversation and creepiest search questions, though, so it does get points for that.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I feel like the writing of everyone else is spring bound was a lot of...me thinking through my Jiang Cheng feelings and specifically my Jiang Cheng post-canon feelings.

the martyr, the victim was pretty formative in shaping how I think about both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and their relationship with each other. It was the first fic I wrote that really dug into them in any way, I think, and definitely one that informed how I thought about writing Lan Xichen later.

Hardest story to write:

I was thinking it was the one that I haven’t posted yet but I did technically finish, aka my Big Bang fic, the terrible threesome fic, the massive “I’m gonna keep everyone in the Yi City arc alive” AU that I started shortly after finishing The Untamed and finished in December. So I spent most of the year writing it.

But then I was like - no, I’m going to have to go with we live until we die even though it’s technically been ‘in progress’ for five years and really kicked into gear in 2019 and I just finished it and posted it this year, because that fic was like. The culmination of a big arc in an enormous verse dealing with a whole lot of balls in the air and trying to tie up a whole lot of threads. It was ambitious and the stakes were high and it was full of plot and action which are not two of my strengths...frankly I’m still amazed I pulled the damn thing off.

Biggest Disappointment:

I think it is better if I refrain from going too in depth on this because it would just end up as me listing a bunch of my perceived failings. But I think off the top of my head I’m frustrated by the fact that I still haven’t really managed to write a XueXiao smut fic that quite hits the spot for me, myself. I’ve written two and for various reasons I don’t really like either of them.

Biggest Surprise:

The fact that my Jiang Cheng fic took off the way it did. Legitimately did not see that coming! At all! I mean, I’m delighted by it but it wasn’t what I saw happening as far as “niche I’d find in this fandom” or “thing I’d write that people would really enjoy reading.”

Particularly with By Proxy. That fic got a lot more attention than I would’ve expected.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:

I feel like every fic I write with Xue Yang in it tells you something about me and most of those things are things that make me, on some level, deeply self-conscious, but I try not to think about that too much.

I feel like the most telling story is maybe we all drift sometimes because I literally wrote it out of a depressive episode about a bad brain day but that wasn’t unintentional.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

1. So it turned out that if you touched the tendons of a dead person’s wrist and channeled a little bit of spiritual energy just right, it made the fingers twitch and curl like they were still alive. (Abattoir)

2. Here’s the thing: your Daozhang is glorious when he kills. (tear out all your tenderness)

3. Turned out that a sect leader’s head came off like anyone else’s. (Unnatural Selection)

4. The first hint that anything had gone awry was the letter from Lan Wangji (His Excellency Hanguang-jun, pardon me) that simply said have you heard from Wei Ying? (some good mistakes)

5. What Jiang Cheng wanted to do, more than anything, was to go home and take a nap. (everyone else is spring bound)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

I usually keep this to 10 but because I’ve been in such a :| place about my own writing I indulged myself this once.

1. Sometimes it felt like all he had done since descending the mountain was shatter his own dreams and accumulate regrets. (nor autumn falter)

2. It felt like she was holding all the components of a bomb in her hands, half assembled. If she moved the right way they would stay just that: components. But if she moved the wrong way… (til my judgment day)

3. He should have killed him. Should have been the one to strike that blow, in revenge for Jin Zixuan and their sister and everyone else dead for Wei Wuxian’s pride. Maybe then there would not be this gnawing, aching thing embedded in his chest; this itching, unfinished feeling. Maybe then he would not feel torn in two, sometimes like he should have reached out with his other hand and sometimes like he should have struck truer and sometimes both, in the same moment. (Interstitial)

4. He owed Wei Wuxian more than he could ever give back in this lifetime. Forgiving him felt like betraying his sister’s memory. Not forgiving him felt like trying to walk with a thorn in his foot. He was just - stuck, caught like a demon in a spiritual net.

Jiang Cheng thought of the way Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Wangji, with warmth and trust and love, and the aching, sick jealousy he had no right to feel returned. He felt a little like a child watching someone pick up a toy he’d abandoned and suddenly realizing that he wanted it back. (everyone else is spring bound)

5. You close your eyes and think about how he looked back in that town, Shuanghua slicing clean through a man’s neck, opening it to the spine, and think dizzily that he could open you like that and it’d be good, as long as it lasted. (tear out all your tenderness)

6. When Wangji loved, he loved with his whole being, without reserve. And now he had been placed between the rock of his convictions and the hard place of his devotion to Wei Wuxian. (the martyr, the victim)

7. He spent a week turning the idea over in his head. Studying it like a corpse he was going to dissect, poking at it, cutting it open and examining its insides. (dead reckoning)

8. When the world hurt you, that was the only thing to do, after all. Hurt it back, harder, worse. Spill rivers of blood for every drop it squeezed from you.

And when the end came, never go quietly. (the blood in your mouth)

9. I would stand with you through the end of the world, said Loki’s voice in his head, and Steve’s heart wasn’t in his chest anymore, was somewhere off on another planet where Loki was lying dead in a ruined city. (we live until we die)

10. Was it always going to be like this? Stumbling into traps, tripping over familiar skeletons, slicing himself open on the edges of old hurts. Was there really such a thing as leaving the past behind? He still felt stuck in it, unable to move, and every time he thought he might be finally dragging himself free something pulled him back. (With Absolute Splendor)

11. His chest was full of poison. His throat was full of grief. And he was still a little drunk.

Jiang Cheng went to his room, sat down on his bed, put his face in his hands, and cried until he couldn’t breathe. (By Proxy)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

I think the scene from nor autumn falter of Xiao Xingchen just crying his heart out over Xue Yang’s dead body would be up there.

The Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian hug from the end of With Absolute Splendor.

Okay, just gonna say it: Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao having sex by the table with Nie Mingjue’s headless corpse on it. So sue me.

The scene in the blood in your mouth where Song Lan has stabbed Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen is following the line of Fuxue to the latter. I have a very clear visual of it in my head and if I could art I’d art it.

Xue Yang with the hallucinatory Xiao Xingchen from liberate spirits, liberate souls.

Fic-writing goals for 2021:

Finish Walking Far From Home.

Maybe I’ll finish some of these MCU WIPs? I’d kind of like to, on an abstract level if nothing else.

Become a more well-adjusted human being about the relationship between my productivity and my self-worth.

#fanfiction round up #confessions of a frustrated writer #you'll get my fun statistical analysis nonsense later

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eirian-houpe · 4 years

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The Library Beneath the Clock Tower - Chapter 25

Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, Belle/Gaston (Once Upon a Time)

Additional Tags: Bookshop On the Corner, slightly AU, Cursed Storybrooke (Once Upon a Time), Alternate Universe - In Storybrooke | Cursed (Once Upon a Time), Eventual Smut

Summary: Storybrooke has no library, and neither does Belle, not since the library where she worked in Boston discovered her past as an inpatient at a mental hospital. Taking her future into her own hands, Belle travels to Storybrooke where her intention is to open up the town library, but all does not go according to her plan. Obstacles and false starts, and diversion along very wrong pathways interrupt her journey toward fulfilling her dream, as well as taking her rightful place and becoming a part of the Storybrooke community.

Read Previous Chapters on AO3

Chapter 25 - Unexpected Ally

Once word got around that the library was open, up and running, Belle had a very busy few days almost rushed off her feet with the number of new subscribers she had registered. She had no idea there were even so many people in Storybrooke. For a sleepy little town in Maine, it certainly seemed to have a lot of residents. Not that she was complaining, not really. It helped to keep her mind off the still missing Mister Gold - being too busy to wonder very much.

It didn’t help her to avoid noticing that there were still far too many spaces on the selves, and that she didn’t have sufficient books in the library for her liking, so she spent one of her lunch breaks sitting at the computer in the library looking online and trying to source new books. She found another branch library in a rural town nearby was closing down due to lack of public funding, and though it saddened her more than she could say, it also filled her with a sense of hope and excitement, and she telephoned the head librarian there right away, securing the bulk of the books to fill the self spaces in Storybrooke’s repository of books.

And not a moment too soon, as it should happen, because while her landlord and secret benefactor - or so it seemed anyway - was still notably absent, the mayor, fast becoming her greatest nemesis, was not. Regina Mills breezed into the library with her nose in the air, practically sweeping her fingertips along surfaces like a mother-in-law checking for dust.

“Well, Miss Marchland,” the mayor said after turning to look at her. “You certainly seemed to have managed to liven the place up a little, if nothing else.”

“Yes,” Belle replied, trying to keep her voice light and polite, although Regina was like a dark cloud over a picnic. “I’ve had a lot of people come in to register.”

“And to borrow books, it would seem.”

“What do you mean?” Belle frowned, wondering what the comment was meant to be criticizing now - because she had no doubt it was.

“The selves are somewhat… sparse, dear,” she said. “We did give you a budget for the library. I distinctly remember signing off on it - against my better judgment, I might add.”

Belle had had enough and folding her arms across her chest demanded, “Then why did you?”

“Everything to do with library was voted on and approved by the town council. I told them they were wasting their time and Storybrooke’s budget, that this little… social experiment wouldn’t last, but… it appears you have some influential people in this town already on your side.”

“I wasn’t aware there was a need to take sides,” Belle grumbled under her breath.

“What was that, dear?” Even before Belle opened her mouth to answer, the mayor waved her away. “Never mind. As soon as people see how limited their choices are, they just won’t be coming any more, and we’ll be able to close this place down.”

She turned on her heel then and headed back toward the front door, but Belle hurried from behind the circulation desk and put herself firmly in the mayor’s path. Forcing her to stop walking or run into her.

“Why do you hate me so much?” she demanded, throwing up her hands, “What have I ever done to you?”

Regina laughed, which fueled Belle’s irritation, and she could feel her color rising in the wake of her irritation.

“My dear Miss Marchland,” the mayor said as her laughter subsided a little. “Hate you?” She shook her head. “It’s as I told you at the ball, and it’s as true now as it was then. It is most fitting that you should be in peasants clothing - as a servant.” She looked around, then looked down at her immaculately painted fingernails as she added, “It’s all you’ll ever amount to, anyway. Besides…” she reached out and pushed Belle aside with two fingers as though she were touching something distasteful before she started walking again toward the door, as she said, “…why waste time hating someone who’s going to do your work for you?”

It took everything that Belle was not to run out after her; to keep her calm and not call after her with words a lady should never use. What the hell did she mean? What was it that Regina Mills thought she was going to do to further her seemingly twisted plans for the townsfolk of Storybrooke. It seemed as though the mayor just wanted everyone to be miserable.

Deliberately, she returned to the circulation desk and engaged in a few mundane tasks to try and rid her mind of the unpleasantness of the visit. It didn’t work. All she could think about was the way the mayor seemed to think that the library would fail, that the people in town were not really interested in patronizing the establishment so close to Belle’s heart. She looked at the stack of registration cards off to the left of the desk - completed registration cards - that still needed to be filed, and it made her chuckle. The sight of the tall stack was a comfort, a reassurance that whatever Mayor Mills thought was refuted by the facts, and that so long as she kept the books well stocked - and she already had that in hand without delving into the actual library budget - then the people would keep on coming.

She smiled, and glanced at her watch. It was almost time for the first of her planned community activities: Storybrooke Story Time, and she wandered over to the area she had already set up that morning with a large area rug, many colorful scatter cushions, and a place for the story-teller - which today would be her - to sit. She’d tried to make sure people knew about it, and had even asked Mary Margaret to let the parents at the school know when it would be happening. Still, after her morning visitor, she worried just a little that no one would come.

She need not have. The moment that the appointed time came around, beginning as a little trickle, at first, and then many people arriving together, parents and children came and took spots on the cushions and on the carpet. Some parents asked if they could leave their little ones while they ran to the store, and although Belle was uncertain at first, the looks of desperation she saw in their eyes - the need for the chance to shop without having to field wheedling requests for cookies and candy, to actually buy their groceries and sundries in peace - made Belle agree, “So long as you’re back by the end,” she would add with a smile and a light touch to their arm.

While she was putting the finishing touches to the event, and setting out small cups of juice, and little containers each with a healthy snack for later, when she suspected the children, especially the younger ones, would need a break, one of the parent’s who had stayed hopped into the ‘Teller’s Chair’ and began leading the children in a song. Belle smiled, happy that things were going well.

Of course, the thought was an invitation for something to go wrong. Even so, she was surprised when she felt a light tap on her shoulder as she was filling the last of the juice cups, and straightened up, turning to see the Sheriff standing behind her.

“Sheriff Humbert,” she greeted him with a smile, “Can I help you?”

“Good afternoon, Miss Marchland,” he began, but she could tell that he felt… awkward, uncomfortable just by the look on his face. “Miss Marchland,” he said again, “I’m sorry to bust in on you like this, but, well, I was passing just now, and I saw some of the parents leave the building without their children.”

“Yes,” Belle said, with a frown, not quite understanding what the Sheriff was driving at. “They asked to run to the store while I was reading the story to the children.”

“See,” Graham Humbert ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “This is very awkward, but… they can’t actually do that. The town of Storybrooke - your employer you understand - doesn’t actually have a background check on file for you yet, so…”

“Oh my God!” Belle exclaimed perhaps a little too loudly, as some of the parents looked around. Belle lowered her voice and leaned closer to the sheriff, speaking confidentially despite her mounting irritation. “Oh my God,” she repeated. “Regina put you up to this, didn’t she?”

“We have to abide by the law, Miss Marchland. I’m sure you understand,” he said, and his non-answer led Belle to believe that she had been entirely right in her accusation.

“Yes, but—” Belle began, but the sheriff held up a hand.

“And the law says you can’t be left alone with children that aren’t your own without first receiving a satisfactory criminal background check,” he offered her a smile then, and with almost a cheeky twinkle in his eye added, “Just so happens that I’m due for a break now, so… if you don’t mind reading a story to a grown up boy…” he gesture toward the circulation desk, and to the new flat packed office chair that leaned against the side of it. “I could even put that together for you while I listen.”

Belle let out the breath she’d be holding, and smiled broadly, throwing a quick hug around the sheriff before she realized what she’d done.

“Thank you, Sheriff,” she said as she pulled back.

“Graham,” he told her. “I’m off the clock, remember? Go on, go read your story. I’ll try not to make too much noise.”

Story time, once it was underway, was a huge hit. Belle didn’t think she would ever get used to the sight of all the attentive faces, eyes wide, looking her way as she told the story as expressively as she could. Time flew past, and they even managed to get through snack time without too much of a mess or too many spills. One of the parents who had stayed through the whole thing volunteered to bring the juice and snacks for the next time, and all of the parents who had run their errands returned on time to collect their children.

“Seems like that was quite the success,” Graham said as he wheeled over the now constructed office chair, echoing Belle’s thoughts.

She smiled her thanks at him, and nodding at the chair, said, “And it looks like you were successful too.”

He chuckled, shaking his head and said, “Don’t say that until you’ve tried it out. If you want to come over to the office some time this week, I can take your fingerprints and get that background check done for you.”

“Thank you,” Belle said. “I’ll do that.”

“Not that I didn’t enjoy the story, by the way,” he added quickly.

“I understand,” she said, “and thank you for sticking your neck out for me.”

He shrugged as if to tell her that he didn’t see it that way, and he didn’t mind, but Belle knew, could sense that there was more to it than he was telling.

“I’d best be on my way,” he said.

Belle walked with him to the door, deciding to prop one of them open to let in some fresh air, and she noticed the same girl she had spotted on the day the library opened. The girl was hovering nearby, looking almost longingly at the library doors. Belle stepped outside and waved the sheriff off as he drove away, then as she turned she offered the girl a greeting.

“Hi,” she said, “have you been out here the whole time?” The girl shrugged, but this time didn’t run away, so Belle ventured, “Would you like to come in and have a look around?”

The girl was hesitant, but when Belle began to walk back toward the library doors, she followed and stepped inside. Belle didn’t want to spook her, or crowd her, because the girl seemed a little skittish, so she set about starting to clean up the discarded cups and paper plates, and after a while the girl moved to help.

“It’s lovely in here,” the girl said as she reached out to put some plates into the trash bag that Belle held open.

“Thank you,” she said. “I’ve tried to make it welcoming.”

The girl nodded, then asked, “What story did you read today?”

Belle paused in her tidying and picked up the book she had read from where she had set it on the Teller’s Chair. She held it out to the girl, who - still hesitantly at first - took it, and turned to settled on a cushion, and begin to read the book. Belle continued tidying, giving her time, and when the girl looked up Belle said, “You could have joined us, you know?” The girl shrugged, so Belle asked, “Do you like books?”

“I love books and stories,” the girl blurted out, then looked embarrassed as she handed back the book.

“You can borrow them, you know. That’s what the library is for after all,” Belle answered.

“But… I don’t have a card,”

“I can help you fill out a card, and then you can take it with you and get your parents to sign it.”

The girl shook her head, looking embarrassed. “Mother wouldn’t like it,” she said, and Belle frowned, but didn’t want to press the girl. It wasn’t her place to pry, after all. “Can I help you put the books away?”

“Of course,” Belle said, then after a moment’s thought she said, “I’ll tell you what, why don’t you stop by on your way home from school a few days a week, and you can help out with shelving the books and tidying up. It would be a great help for me, and if you wanted to read a little bit before you left for home…” she trailed off, letting the girl work things out for herself, then added, “My name’s Belle, by the way.”

“I’m Paige,” the girl answered. “And can you maybe help me with my homework sometimes?”

By the time Paige left, the library was practically spotless, and Belle was glad that she was able to help the girl, even though she still didn’t know very much about her. She liked her, and somehow she seemed strangely familiar, as if she’d seen her before, and not just in passing, or knew her parents even though she was certain that couldn’t be the case.

Though she was still trying to work out the library’s opening hours, Belle decided that she would close earlier than usual that day, posting a notice on the doors to the effect that library hours were under review. Then she headed upstairs, to the apartment, where she practically collided with Ruby who was coming out of the bathroom, in nothing but a robe, still toweling her hair dry.

“You’re early,” Ruby said.

“Yes,” Belle answered, “I thought we could maybe do something. We haven’t really had much time since you got here.”

Ruby’s face became a mask of regret. “I’m sorry, Belle,” she said, “I already have plans.”

“You have a date?” Belle asked, her tone one of surprise, though given what happened at the mayor’s ball it shouldn’t have been so unexpected.

“Sort of,” Ruby said, and Belle raised an eyebrow and said, “There are a bunch of us going to the Rabbit Hole. You should come. It’ll be fun.”

“No,” said Belle, rather more vehemently than she meant to, so trying again said more softly, “No thank you. It’s not really my cup of tea.”

“You sure?” Ruby looked guilty, and Belle didn’t want that. She wanted her friend to have fun.

“Yes, of course. You go, have a good time.” She told her. “It’ll give me a chance to try out that new cookie recipe that I found.”

“Belle—” Ruby started, but she cut her off.

“No, seriously, it’s fine.” Belle offered a smile, and then gave her friend a push toward the bedroom. “Get dressed, you don’t want to keep them waiting.” Ruby leaned down and kissed her cheek, and Belle gave her a tight hug in return, murmuring, “Knock ‘em dead.”

#rumbelle #AU (slight)#storybrooke au #cursed storybrooke #eventual smut

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actualdevil · 6 years

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I‘m generally disappointed and disillusioned regarding most of my fandom involvement in the last few years. There’s a culture that’s become the norm here that is so toxic and miserable and has driven so many kind and talented people from it (and I don’t blame them). I’ve done a lot of thinking personally about my place in fandom and what I get from it, and slowly started distancing myself because of it.

That’s not to say I’ve given up entirely. I still like these series and I still like making content, but there’s a level of involvement (in some fandoms) that I don’t see myself coming back to, just because of the frustration and misery that comes with. It feels like every day I see something awful on one of my feeds that makes me wonder what the hell any of us stick around for.

Of course, it’s the passion for the series, game, whatever - that brings us back - but I do want everyone to really think about how they interface with fandom and whether or not it’s bringing more stress or more joy to them.

Like ... does your fandom spark joy? I mean that legitimately. Are you spending more time stressing from anon hate, general anti culture, or otherwise? Do you feel pressured to make content but you don’t feel like you’re enjoying it anymore? Re-evaluate. Think about what made you happy in the first place, what makes you happy now. Pursue what brings you joy.

There’s no reason to stick around if you find your net enjoyment of your fandom experience is wanting. Take care of yourself. Don’t go through blogs that talk shit about you, don’t browse antis and their tags, don’t instigate. That in itself is a subtle sort of self harm where you’re intentionally bringing misery into your own life.

It’s hard living in this world, and when your escape is filled with even more hatred and misery, it can make things feel genuinely hopeless.

I love you guys and my ask box is open if you need to talk. You can love and enjoy a series and fandom without this. Surround yourself with kindness. Treat yourself well.

#nblogs

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pendulum-sonata · 6 years

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Kiryuu Nanami, Shinohara Wakaba Additional Tags: Character Study, Post-Canon, Introspection, Memory Alteration, Repressed Memories, Utena Future Zine, This is basically my take, on how Nanami's life would have been, after graduating Ohtori, I swear I love Nanami, I'm not trying to make her suffer, Just for the hell of it, Sexual Harassment Summary:

The outside world has left Nanami en enbittered woman, down on her luck and with little hope. A chance encounter with an old classmate helps her get back on her feet.

This is my work for the @utenafuturezine Now available for download here!

‘I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to get up, I don’t…’

But the music on the radio got louder and louder and she knew the moment the annoying voice of the conductor came in she would be unable to go back to sleep, what time was it anyway? Without removing the covers her hand fished for her cellphone.

7:05 am.

She had an interview at 9:00 am.

‘Uugh... I will count until ten, and then I’ll wake up...”

One, two, three, four...

“Damn it!” Nanami kicked the bed covers and got up, feeling her messy hair falling around her shoulders, she had to blink a few times and scroll down her phone to finally wake up and start for the day.

There, perched on the bathroom room were the clothes she prepared for today, somehow... they looked better last night, she didn’t like how the dark blue looked a little too ...dark, as if she was going to a funeral rather than (hopefully) to work.

She didn’t have time to go through her clothes again.

That was what she kept telling herself as she opened her closet, pulling out shirts and pants... or maybe a skirt would do? Nanami shook her head, skirts made you look juvenile and they were not professional; but none of the combinations made her feel satisfied.

But then a pale yellow shirt from way below all her stuff peeked at her, in her mind she already knew the color would be perfect; even though it was obvious the shirt was old for her not to remember when she bought it, it didn’t look worn off, the color wasn’t too vibrant that it stung your eye, in fact it was the perfect shade to compliment her hair...

Of course the universe loved to bait her, because when she lifted it to her eyes there it was: the garish logo of a restaurant, the one where she had first worked as a waitress for almost a year.

‘Why do I even still have this?’ She wondered and for a full minute she could only remember the embarrassment of it, all the shifts, the rude and lechery customers and the miserable pay... when she opened her eyes the shirt was crumpled in her hands with such force that it felt like she could have teared it apart piece by piece...

She couldn’t afford to throw away a perfectly good shirt though.

And with the perfect accessories, vest and jacket, nobody would be able to look at the logo in the shirt (Why did it have to be printed? if it only was sewn in...).

Nanami resigned herself and went to make herself a quick breakfast, a quick make over, a quick hairdo and quickly started to gather everything she would need; train ticket? Check, money? Check, keys? Check, phone? Check!

‘Best of luck to myself!’

ᴥ

“Watch were you’re going!” She got up to her feet before anyone noticed she had fallen, wincing when she felt a pang in her knee.

Fortunately her pants had not sustained any damage or stain, but she still looked around, ready to yell at the guilty person who crashed into her-

“Oh god! I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” The woman in question didn’t seem to notice how angry Nanami was, there was nothing remarkable about her: medium height, brown hair and average complexion, the most noteworthy thing about her was her shrilling voice that made her want to get away as soon as possible.

Nanami was not in the mood for this. She tried to walk past her, but the woman quickly stood on her way.

“Move! I’m gonna lose my train or do you want me to be late too?” She practically growled.

“Oh, sorry you’re right! Let me pay you for a cab then!” The woman said again and when Nanami saw her reach for her purse she lost it.

“Who the hell do you think I am!? I don’t need for your charity!” Once she said this, Nanami stormed out without even waiting for an answer, she didn’t need to arrive in a cab, she didn’t want to, and she most definitely didn’t want to own some random woman in the street a favor so she just kept walking to her station.

Dread filled her every time she saw the train cart full of people almost squished against the windows, when some people came out of she realized that she needed to be quick, otherwise she would have to take the next train, she was quick to walk past all the people next to her and secure her place.

Commuting using the train was a living nightmare.

Unfortunately it was also the cheapest and faster, so it wasn’t like she had lots of options, meaning that here she was, squished between dozens upon dozens of employees, both men and women, she looked with envy to the ones that wore their casual clothes and comfortable shoes, no, not because they have super nice clothes – they were all cheap common clothes anyway – but because it meant that they already had a job and their office uniform waiting for them.

She teared her eyes away from the sight, her station was the last one in the route anyway so by the time she made it, and the train would most likely be empty anyway.

ᴥ

It was packed.

The place where they would all be waiting for their interviews was packed, and she hated herself for admitting this – only in her thoughts, never out loud – but they all resembled her: wearing their best clothes, their hair done modestly but still professional...

She didn’t want to think about it anymore and just walked to the receptionist, gave her name and her papers and sat, far away from the other girls chatting away in purpose.

It was a long time, or at least it felt like a really long time, even the games and apps she had in her phone didn’t do much to distract her, her shoes tapped fast onto the floors and looked around the place looking for something, anything to focus on that wasn’t the clock on the wall, but there was nothing.

“Kiryuu Nanami?” She perked up immediately when she heard her name and entered the office the lady at the desk signaled for.

Inside there was an old man, his wrinkles and glasses made Nanami think vaguely of a grandpa, but she already knew companies put their best ‘face’ for these things, so she had to be careful with what she said.

“Miss Kiryuu? Please take a seat?” Ugh, even his voice sounded gentle and soft, no doubt this guy was a professional.

“Pleased to meet you.” Nanami put on her best smile and used her perfect posture – one that allowed her to make use of her best assets without looking unprofessional – and answered his questions, most of them were the usual: her age, experience, career, how did she find out about the position, etc.

“Excellent Miss, now, everything seems to be in order, but may I ask when can we expect your family registry? It’s not an optional requisite.”

And just like that Nanami knew it was a lost cause.

ᴥ

It was just another day; tomorrow would be another.

Nanami put these words on repeat while she waited for the train back home, but the fact that she had lost not just the morning but the entire day in that office and that she was starting to see a lot of people who were coming back from work didn’t really help her mood, so she got ready to squish herself once more for the sake of arriving to her apartment and forget this entire day had happened.

Once inside the train, trapped between a woman who had her case in front of her which dug painfully into her shoulder and a guy whose breaths were hitting her right in the face, the world decided once more play her for a fool.

Because she felt a hand – a grown man’s hand – going from her back then to her butt.

For a full minute her mind went blank because she couldn’t believe on top of everything this had happened to her now, the moment it finally dawned on her what was happened she tried to squirm to get away from the groping but it only resulted on the people throwing dirty looks at her, and her arms were now twisted in weird angle that would probably result on more pain later on.

She was trapped.

During the entire trip until the next station she tried to think of the things she needed to buy for the week, tried to make the budget too, tried to remember the lyrics of that one song in the radio she really liked it, anything to not think about the hand on her.

‘Only a bit more Nanami, only a little more, hang in there, then you can unleash all your fury onto them and…’

*ARRIVING TO THE STATION, PLESE CLEAR UP THE ENTRANCE.*

What?!

The thought got stuck on her head when she was almost barreled by a group of people all hurrying past here, she was sure she might have given a few turns in between people and maybe earned a couple of bruises from the things people were carrying and scrapping her in the meantime.

After she was able to focus again she realized the car was almost empty again except for a couple of old ladies.

“You got to be kidding me!” Her heels stomped on the floor and she stormed out of the cart, maybe if she hurried she would be able to-

Nothing, there were too many people on the platform and most of them were dressed the same.

“You pervert!!!” The yelling doesn’t come from her but from behind her where a security guard is standing in front of a woman and another man who looks like wants to get away, especially because the yelling starts to attract attention from everyone else.

He can’t of course because a lithe as looks the woman has an iron grip on his wrist, when she tries to get close, she can see the guard is not taking seriously anything the woman says, if anything he looks bored and other people are doing nothing but whisper around them.

“I know what I saw!!” The woman suddenly looks around her and fixes her eyes on Nanami and she just froze in place. “Nanami you tell them! He groped you! I saw him!!”

It’s in that moment that she realizes is the same woman from this morning, the one who made her trip and apparently decided she looked pitiful enough to offer her a ride! Nanami had half her mind to disagree with her – she still felt her teeth grind at the thought – and embarrass her, but when she looked at the guy who was doing his best to look as if he was completely innocent.

She had no way of knowing if had been the pervert who grabbed her butt, it had been impossible for her to see anything about the man, but the shifty way he looked when Nanami tried to look into his eyes made her realize that even if he didn’t grab her, he had definitely done that to someone else.

Or maybe not, in true Nanami was just tired of being a cosmic plaything for the day, let someone else take the brunt for her.

So, she summoned her best laugh and pointed at the man with all her might.

“You pervert!” She yelled. “You took advantage of me! I could see your dirty face when you grabbed me! In. my. Ass. And now you’re trying to get away with it!! Like hell I will let you do it!” She grabbed her phone and snapped a shot from the guy, who was now so scared that he looked blue in the face. “And you!” She pointed to the guard now who flinched when she pointed at him. “Isn’t your job to attend to all security matters in the platform? Aren’t you supposed to make people feel safe? Well, I can tell I didn’t feel safe, I’m disgusted by this man, but I’m more disgusted by you! Who don’t even bother to take their job seriously and allow scum like him to get away with things?” She snapped another shot of him, making sure his plaque and name were visible on her picture – she knew the camera with 10 megapixels had been worth it – and she showed it to him. “Just so you know if you don’t process this complain, I’m not gonna bother with your bosses, I’m going to post these on the internet and you will be ruined along with these man’s reputation!”

“Well, you heard her? Is that what you want?” The woman who had been looking shocked while she was yelling was now standing next to her looking proud. “You know nowadays, news fly right?”

Both men shared a dismayed look specially when other people were pulling out their phones too, some of them taking pictures others were probably tweeting about it and the guard finally escorted Nanami to his office.

ᴥ

After filling out some papers and giving out her information, and also gotten the information from the man, who had to be detained until actual police arrive from the looks of it, she excused herself, she didn’t want to make more of a deal than it already was, and at the very least she still had the pictures in case she found the same idiot again.

Nanami doubted anything would come out of the whole thing, but at the very least it had improved her mood a lot.

“That was so cool Nanami!” She almost screeched when she chirpy voice of the same woman caught her off guard. “I can’t believe what you actually threatened that guy!”

Wait… how did this broad even knew her name, even before when she called it, Nanami had been a little to swept into getting some well-deserved retribution to think about it too hard, but she had no idea who this woman was, she knew her name and this was the second time in a row that she conveniently found her…

Oh dear, was she dealing with a stalker?

“I can’t believe I found you here! It’s been so long since we were both in Ohtori Academy right?”

Or maybe not… was she a classmate? She looked around the same age as her, although it was hard to tell, she couldn’t have been one of her friends or popular people because she was sure she would remember that, but she was talking to her so casually, there was no other alternative.

“Y-yes! I suppose it has!” And she didn’t feel like making a fool out of herself for a second time in a single day.

“We have so much to catch up to! Oh, I know!” How could a grown woman look this excited and skip like that and not break her heel? It was a mystery for her. “Let’s have dinner together!”

In any other time Nanami would have been freaked out about having someone’s face so close to hers, but this time she took the chance to get a good look at her, to see if any feature struck a chord with her.

…Nothing, just like this morning her appearance was completely normal and that meant completely unremarkable and forgettable too. She did have a very large forehead though, still, she had her hair styled in a way that it complemented her features rather than call attention to it, Nanami would give her that much.

“Dinner? Uh…” She was actually very hungry, because she had spent the entire day at the office waiting for her interview, Nanami had not gotten any lunch, breakfast had been her only meal… but it’s already the second half of the month and she can’t afford to eat out, she has a bunch of cup ramen waiting for her at theapartment. “I don’t know, it’s pretty late and…”

“Oh come on!” The woman took her hand this time and got the most ridiculous face on her, teary eyes and pouting almost resembling a puppy. “I’m inviting you so dinner it’s on me!”

From all the things that could bait her, those were the ones she couldn’t refute.

And her belly decided to answer in her place.

ᴥ

She didn’t have a bad taste in restaurants, Nanami decided.

Even if it wasn’t anything too fancy – and really those types of restaurants where for romantic dates, not for friendly outings – the place had a warm and welcoming atmosphere, it also had the added bonus of having booths so they could have some privacy even if they were only two people, and the food smelled delicious, she hadn’t had lots of filling meals in a while now.

It was funny really, years ago she wouldn’t have even thought about putting a foot inside one of these… family restaurants.

Once they were seated and the waitress gave them a couple of menus, the woman kept chatting about their days back at school and despite herself Nanami tried not to let the guilt gnaw at her gut, because she really couldn’t be making out stuff on the spot and the fact she was buying her a meal… people did not do that for strangers they met for five minutes during middle school.

“…Anyway, that was quite a graduation ceremony! Some of my college buddies still tell the story whenever we get together and I think from that moment on, the rules on formal clothing were much more specific!” She laughed when she finished saying this and Nanami tried not to make herself sound too fake, lost in her musing she had not heard a word of what she said.

The waitress bringing them their drinks bought her some time.

“That sounds like quite a story, mmmh, how about in middle school though? We had some pretty weird stories right?” That’s right maybe if she shared a story she might remember! Or at least pretend until the food came and the bill was paid.

The woman looked like she was thinking for a long moment, she looked straight at her, not a hard stare or judging in anyway, but Nanami still felt as if she was being examined.

“Say…” She paused to take a sip of her drink. “…you don’t really know who I am right?”

Time stopped and it was hard to breath because she was busy sputtering the water, her nose burned because she had asked it to be ice cold and godammit, this woman did it on purpose because this was the most ridiculous thing that could happen to her. She also felt someone patting her back and putting a napkin close to her mouth.

“Wakaba, what happened?” It was probably the waitress.

“Sorry, sorry, that was my fault.”

Wakaba…

‘Utena, aren’t you going to give a present to your best friend in the entire world?’

Who was the person who kept saying that? In her mind Nanami saw a girl, she couldn’t see her face clearly, the only thing she remembered was that she was a tomboy, countless of memories of this girl playing rowdy sports, wearing boy’s clothes, talking like a boy and with overall unladylike manners, the girl annoys her to no end, of that she is sure because she feels a vein in her head throb at the mere sight of her. There is also another girl, this one doesn’t annoy her, she wishes she would only annoy her, but no, the knot on her stomach and the chills running down her back whenever that girl was concerned were real and always made her feel like she entered a lion’s den.

Next to her, the tomboy girl’s oddness was welcome.

And of course she thinks she remembers another girl, she’s always there too, always following the other two around as if she was a puppy, she’s not annoying or scary like the them, she doesn’t remember anything about her, only her trailing behind the other two girls.

“Nanami? Are you alright? Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding?”

“I’m fine!!!” She yelled to whoever was holding three fingers right into her face, of course that attracted the attention of the other customers and Nanami wished she could sink into her seat.

“Sorry, you weren’t reacting and I was afraid you had choked or something.” She sounded genuinely sorry and that alone made her back down, also because she still felt her throat sore.

“I’m sorry Miss, was the water too cold? I can bring you more.” The waitress while weel-intentioned, looked less concerned for Nanami and more for being written up by her manager.

She couldn’t say she blamed her.

“Another glass is fine, thank you.”

“Right away Miss, oh Wakaba are you on shift tonight?” The waitress was talking to Wakaba now.

“No, I asked the day off.” Said Wakaba denying with her head.

The fell into an awkward silence after that, how could they not? How was she supposed to talk to her now that she outed herself as not really knowing her? They didn’t have any shared interest or hobbies and didn’t even seem to frequent the same circles as to ask about that either.

Then again it wasn’t like Nanami had kept in touch with her old classmates.

“So… you work here?” She has no trouble picturing Wakaba in the role of a waitress, she was tact, patient and give off was friendly enough to make small talk to customers, all things she herself absolutely failed at. “You don’t look like one to work on night shift though.”

She realized too soon that she had spoked the last thing out loud, Wakaba seemed to realize too and giggled a little.

“All my shifts are at night Nanami, I’m a bartender.” She pointed to the bar where right now there was another older guy mixing and serving drinks. “Mr. Kobayashi is going to retire soon, and he’s teaching me all he knows before that, so I guess you could say I’m like an apprentice.”

Nanami didn’t even knew women were permitted to become bartenders and she stopped herself right in time, that would have probably been rude and she had already called her a goody-two-shoes before, but what did she even knew about Wakaba to know if this was expected from her? She didn’t even remember her 5 minutes ago and what she remembered was so small that she could laugh at herself.

“So, Nanami what have you been up to? I noticed this morning that you were going to the corporate district.” Wakaba’s enthusiasm and self-contented smile was contagious and she found herself smiling too, wishing to have something exciting to share, something worth of her attention.

‘Not much, I was going to an interview, after finishing college, a gig as an intern I have been between jobs for the past year.’ Hmph, didn’t that sound pathetic?

While she thought about this, the waitress had finally brought their food, but Nanami had lost her apetite.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” Wakaba apologized, even thought she was only making small talk, she was definitely nicer than herself. “I can only imagine how it has been for you and your brother.”

If a bull had entered the restaurant, trashed everything around just to take Nanami on its back to a faraway island, she would feel less shocked than she felt now and of course the shock gave way to embarrassment, the way Wakaba used her hand to cover half of her face was enough confirmation that she knew and that she was aware that she wasn’t supposed to know.

Ugh, her day couldn’t possibly suck anymore so she may as well get on with it.

“What else there is to say? That as it turned out neither me or Touga were our parents’ real children?” Back in school Nanami had thought that was the worst thing that had happened her, now she wished that was the only secret. “And not only that, we weren’t actually adopted, we were bought off, kept and groomed only to fulfill their wishes and ambitions, and that when Touga and I refused to do what they demanded from us – I was eighteen when they wanted me married off to a business partner who was old enough to be my grandfather – we were thrown out from the house and disowned?” Disown was such a proper word because they had been nothing but property to these people. “So go ahead and pity me, laugh in my face like I did to you and your friends so long ago.”

Nanami doesn’t want to look up to see Wakaba’s eyes, filling with disdain or pity.

“I… don’t want to do that.” Is the only thing Wakaba said, “I just thought I could cheer you up because you look so… tired”

Tired? Yes, that was the perfect word to describe how she had been feeling for quite a while now, not physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired and done with everything around her.

“Do you ever wish things would have gone different? To just… give in to what people wanted from you?” It was a good question one that she herself had asked herself many times.

“There are… many things that I regret, sometimes I like telling to myself that if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would do things different, better…” What she kept to herself though, was that another part of her knew she wouldn't do anything to change. “… And I do wish someone would have told me how hard it was to simply live by, how expensive it is, how many basic skills you need and I never learned until I had no one to lean onto than my equally incompetent brother.” There had been many times when she had become tempted to run back and beg for forgiveness and promise to be a good girl this time but… “No, I still wouldn’t do it.”

How could she? After a particularly nasty fight with Touga about it which had led to a very unceremonious reveal of what exactly their so-called parents had ‘requested’ from him, what they had took from him right under her nose.

“How do you know?” Nanami asked, she knew that it couldn't be Touga, he had nothing to gain from a girl like Wakaba.

“I don’t know if I should tell you, you would probably go hunt him down.” Wakaba laughed a little but it was obvious she wasn’t entirely kidding on the last sentence.

And there was only another person close enough to either of them to know the full story, and yes, Nanami could feel her fists balling at her sides and her mind was relishing into some payback fantasies.

“Idiot, as if I have time to waste on doing any of that.” After all, she knew he and Touga were still in contact, if she had wanted she would have no troubles contacting him, he had been the first one to reach out to them and had acted so sickly concerned that it was disgusting, her bruised pride had not let her think anything else back then.

“You know? At first I thought that you had not changed at all, but that was silly of me to think right? Everyone changes, you, your brother, even Saionji.” The blush that crept to Nanami’s face was not unwelcomed, it made her feel giddy even.

“I guess…” She picked the fork and started to play a little with her food, not knowing what to say in exchange, she had no frame of reference to know if Wakaba had changed… she did remember one thing though. “Well, feel proud of yourself, without his annoying fanclub around, you can finally have Saionli for yourself right?”

After all, if he had confided Wakaba with such sensitive information that meant they were in more than just speaking terms.

She didn’t expect the laughter that came from Wakaba.

“Oh I hardly doubt it, I’m not his type, and he’s no longer mine either.” Had that been because they both changed or because now adulthood gave them new perspectives, more options? “You know?” She doubted for a second and her voice got quitter. “Back then, he practically begged me to talk to the manager about getting you a job.”

That was when Nanami finally noticed the name of the place on the cups and the napkins: it was the same name as the place she started her life as a working girl, the same name printed on the shirt she had so carefully hidden.

“Is not the same, I doubt your memory is that bad.” She laughed again. “the owner has a couple places all over the city and the prefecture….”

The only reason Nanami is not banging her head against the table is because she wants to think she still has a minimum of manners, she just started eating her meal, which had already gotten cold, but beggars can’t be choosers, they both ate in silence for quite a while, the only sounds coming from them were the cutlery scrapping against the plates.

“Hey Nanami…” Wakaba started. “You think we could hang out again? It’s nice to have someone from school to talk to.” She was smiling again, and Nanami could now see why people – even people like Saoinji – wanted to keep talking to her: it was easy, she didn’t have any grandiose expectations of people or even herself and life, it was… normal, comfortable.

“I… guess I can make a place on my schedule.” She exchanged phones with her without many words, and when she checked it, she couldn’t help notice there was another number she added.

“I don’t want to meddle, but maybe you too could call Saionji every once in a while?” Wakaba didn’t say that he too worried about her, but the sentiment was there nonetheless.

Nanami didn’t know what to say, all this new information didn’t let her think clearly and now she felt like she really had to re-acquaintance herself with the guy, only to see if he really was not an idiot anymore.

“Maybe.” She immediately took another bite, she had a lot of things to think about.

#revolutionary girl utena #shoujo kakumei utena #sku #rgu #my fics #My first utena fic ever #and my first collaboration for a zine as writer!#see ao3 for more notes on the story #long post #under cut #read more

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