#and how shes physically apart from the two and while shes able to process change better and she knows nothing could tear their bond

[frogisakai]

Something something marcy watches anne and sasha's life through a screen now that she moved. How, in marcy's mind they're so much closer and she's happy for them, she really is, but she'd be lying if she said she didn't feel an itch of being sidelined. She shouldn't, she tries to reason with herself, because she knows they love her so very much, but there's a pit stuck somewhere in her heart whenever she sees a picture of them neslted close, wide eyed and beaming even if its once in a blue moon.

And she thinks it's bad and she thinks there's something wrong in thinking these thoughts that creep inside her and see tries to put them in words so she can at least understand herself. But it's so brief and fleeting that she doesn't think it's really all that big of a deal when it washes over.

And so when sasha picks her up that day at the airport, the words seem to seep out and lay there in the open after brewing and simmering for so long. And yet the answer she gets doesn't soothe her either and she doesn't know why. But that all is long and forgotten when they're all back together again in each other's embrace. Or something something.

[anachronisims]

How to EFFECTIVELY Use Empty Standby List to Reduce Flashing and Crashing

This tutorial is for TS2. Obviously. This is virtually the last "chapter" of advice for the Pink Flashing Survey Report (still forthcoming as a single readable thing but posted in bits and pieces over the last six months). PS it's a lonnnnnnng post. Ctrl+F "tldr" for the very short version once you open the cut.

"Part 1" of the Empty Standby List ("ESL") tutorial was already written comprehensively with screenshots by Digi at her wordpress. Following Digi's tutorial will get you set up with ESL as a routine automated background task your computer runs, typically every five minutes.

@gayars set up two instances of the routine, each running every five minutes, staggered two/three minutes apart. In other words, task 1 runs at 12:00, task 2 runs at 12:03, task 1 runs at 12:05, task 2 runs at 12:08, etc. However, I found that this negatively impacted the graphical performance of my game, notably by having the ESL task window flash over the game window, which I had never seen before, nor since reverting back to a single 5-minute task routine.

Anyway. Go do Digi's tutorial if you haven't already; I'll wait.

Background on Why this Matters

So, now your computer will be wiping the standby memory every five minutes. The thing is, this won't be able to have much impact on your game unless you wait to let it wipe before you do a major loading action.

Major loading actions are, in general order of strain (most to least strenuous):

Loading a full neighborhood.

Loading a large (3x4 or bigger) populated lot.

Loading a large unpopulated lot.

Loading actual CAS, if you have a lot of non-defaulted CC.

Loading a medium (3x3) populated lot.

Loading a medium unpopulated lot.

Loading a small (2x3 or smaller) populated lot.

Loading a small unpopulated lot.

Loading CAS catalogs from within a lot (e.g. using FFS clothing tool, "Change Appearance" on the mirror, shopping for clothes/trying on clothes on a community lot).

Turning up your lot view settings (generating other lots' lot imposters within your current lot)/panning the camera around.

You should already be doing at least all medium- and large-lot loading with the Lot View Settings Juggling Method, and “uint LotSkirtIncrease” removed from your userstartup.cheat - otherwise whenever you load a lot you are compounding the strain by also having the neighborhood load at the same time.

Using Resource Monitor Effectively

If you watched the Jessa Channel tutorial on flashing, she recommended downloading a third-party RAM usage monitoring software. This is unnecessary. For purposes of reducing your crashing, all you need is the native Windows program "Resource Monitor" that she also recommends.

To open it:

Click the Windows symbol/start menu.

Begin typing "Resource Monitor."

Click Resource Monitor when it shows up.

Once it is open, get to the useful information:

Click the "Memory" tab.

Make sure the "Processes" and "Physical Memory" subs are fully open, as above.

Sort by "Commit (KB)."

Each time you reopen Resource Monitor, it should restore your last view settings, so you won't have to repeat these steps.

While Resource Monitor is still open, "Pin" it to the taskbar so it will always be readily accessible.

Right-click the icon on the taskbar.

Click "Pin to taskbar."

If it says "Unpin from taskbar" you have already done this step :)

Now comes the monitoring part. You will focus on the dark-blue "Standby" block of the bar graph on Physical Memory.

Every fifth minute, when the ESL task runs, this will flash down to 0 and then pop up to about 30-75, depending on what you are doing. It will go higher faster if you are doing stuff, obviously, and hover pretty low if your computer is just sitting still. TLDR the remainder of this tutorial: only take stress actions when Standby is below 100.

As we all know too well, TS2 has a 4gb RAM limit. The problem is, TS2 seems to count the memory that is in standby, too, not just the committed/working set. Thus, before you take a major loading action (that is going to push up to 1.5gb into Standby), you need to wait for Standby to wipe so the game doesn't accidentally think it's using more memory than it is. Got it?

This is how much RAM my game is using when my neighborhood opens, pretty closely zoomed in on any particular lot. If it is zoomed out further - like a whole city block - both committed and working set are easily over 2.2gb. When I pan around the neighborhood, it continues going up. Portions of the hood that go back out of view seem to get relegated to standby, but yes, my game has crashed just from looking too much at my neighborhood from too wide an angle. Unless I slow down and let ESL run before moving on to the next section.

Six months of diligent Resource Manager monitoring has resulted in substantial reductions of crashing and flashing on my first hood view load and first lot view load. It is not 100% guaranteed, but it cuts it back to Very Playable Levels. And when I have tested the theory by purposefully not letting ESL run before a stress point, it always flashes and/or crashes within the next couple minutes.

SO! Here's what I do when I'm launching my game.

Because of overheating concerns, I always fully shut down my computer when I'm not using it for more than an hour. If I have been playing and experience a flash or crash, I will restart before trying again. @infinitesimblr, a survey Respondent who reported virtually no flashing or crashing despite a vast CC catalog, also recommends restarting between using Bodyshop or SimPE and the full game. I have found it may make a difference with Bodyshop (which I use too rarely to make a pseudoscientific claim) but that I have found basically no impact going from SimPE to the game. YMMV.

Immediately after Windows is done loading, I open Resource Monitor and wait a few minutes. Often background updates begin running and the Standby bar goes crazy - sometimes filling up the entire available RAM - and I just let it sit and do its thing. (Usually I start the computer right before my kid's bedtime so I am not actively waiting on it or anything. Go take a shower or make a sandwich or drink some water, like you did in the old days when the game itself took 20 minutes to load.)

Once the standby bar levels out and is consistently peaking no higher than about 250mb between ESL wipes, after the next ESL wipe, I will launch the game. (Usually between logging into Windowsat the beginning of storytime and checking Resource Monitor before we go do tuck-in, it is reliably hanging out below 100 unless a big TS4 or Windows update was downloading.)

Reminder: do not delete thumbnails anymore prior to launching the game. I also have turned off RPC's clear caches option and have observed faster loading times with minimal increases in crashing.

After the neighborhood selection screen comes up, wait for ESL to run again before opening your neighborhood.

If you have continue to have more than VERY sporadic hood load flashing after taking these steps, you should try launching into a subhood if you have one, then pivoting to the main hood if that's where you're playing that session after yet another ESL wipe. If that doesn't help you simply need to thin out your hood or accept the flashing. (I ended up deleting about 25% of my deco trees and 10-15 outer-lying lots that will be re-placed in a subhood.)

After the hood is loaded, navigate to the lot you want, but DO NOT actually load that lot until ESL runs yet again. Ditto for CAS - Do not select "Create New Family" until ESL has run again.

Play should be proceed as normal at this point. You probably don't need to alt-tab back to Resource Monitor again unless your sims are going traveling or you are changing play lots.

BONUS TIP #1: You can put a shortcut to the ESL routine on your desktop and push it manually (just double click the icon) if you don't feel like waiting once the game is loaded. I have had imperfect results with this vs. just waiting the five minutes, though, because the game wants to run through some stuff and flush it. But it's an option for you to experiment with.

BONUS TIP #2: If you have a really deep clothing/hair CC catalog, try to avoid using the FFS clothing tool option where you select every outfit for the sim, and their hair and makeup, at the same time. Instead, choose individual outfits by type and use the regular mirror option to change appearance (or SimBlender has it, I think, so they can do it where they already are).

[homestuckreplay]

dskjhsdk

(page 520-532)

8/22/2009 Wheel Spin: being silly :3c Verdict: TWO GREAT PUNS

8/23/2009 Wheel Spin: Character Switch Verdict: <3 Forever John <3

We continue to progress through Sburb in leaps and bounds, with only a brief interruption from Dave to discuss puppet anatomy in lurid detail. I’m so delighted to finally see the punch designix in action. My headcanon is that its keyboard has really great keys to press, the kind that make a satisfying click clack when tapped. And the noise when the card itself get punched by the machine? Man I wish that page had sound.

It’s helpful that this machine gives instructions. Would have been nice if the alchemiter did that too, you know, when John was four minutes and thirteen seconds away from a violent death. The comic spends longer (by number of pages) figuring out the designix than any other machine, which makes me think this one is really important, presumably for punch card alchemy. The process, in short, is to captchalogue an item, read the item’s unique alphanumeric captcha code from the card, type that code into the keyboard, and punch physical holes into the card the item is stored on. This traps the item, but presumably allows it to be produced by the alchemiter, following the same cruxite dowel → totem lathe → alchemiter process as the pre-punched card.

We saw with the ‘perfectly generic objects’ made by an uncarved dowel that the totems can be used multiple times, so this is a great way to duplicate objects – I would recommend more captchalogue cards, based on John’s current woes – although this will likely cost build grist, which is already at a premium. But for this to be a true alchemical process – transmuting a substance into another, more valuable substance – there needs to be a way to modify objects with predictable results. The hammer’s code is ‘nZ7Un6BI’ but what if John typed in ‘mZ7Un6BI’ or ‘Zn7Un6BI’ ‘Nz7uN6bi’ or ‘IB6nU7Zn’ or ‘nZ7UnGAY’? Could these slight modifications produce variations on a hammer, or items similar to a hammer? Are there rules that govern how an item would change based on how its code is altered? Would this look something like computer programming, forcing John to actually stick to his hobby instead of abandoning his code files on his desktop when they get too hard?

Captcha codes are designed to let humans browse the internet while stopping computer programs from attacking websites – so what’s the equivalent here? My guess is that although we’ve seen the imps in John’s house make use of strife cards, they and other NPCs won’t be able to decipher the captchas on the back of cards. They can use basic inventory mechanics, but wouldn’t be able to perform alchemy, which is what sets the player apart. I’m not sure about Nannasprite though. As someone who is both human and computer program, could she decipher a captcha?

Every time John mentions his dad, wanting to find him or wishing he was around to get some additional shaving cream, my heart breaks a little bit. He reminds me of a kid who’s gone away to camp for the first time and is really excited for some independence but ends up getting homesick. John keeps putting that bunny back in the box and every time, he’s referencing a scene where a dad risks his life just to get a gift to his daughter on her birthday, and… I can’t help but think that John’s thinking of reuniting with his dad every time he makes this reference, too.

Rose and Dave’s dynamic is fascinating to me. They should be studied by a team of world leading cognitive scientists. Rose is not at all taking Dave seriously while he’s lamenting entering the puppet singularity, and I wonder if he prefers it that way. As someone who’s not comfortable with emotional honesty, Dave might not want someone to respond with genuine sympathy, and by knowing that Rose will keep to a suitable number of layers of irony, Dave trusts Rose and can be more open with her. From this conversation (p.522) I feel like Dave has a campaign of one-upmanship with Rose like he does with his bro, except with Rose they’re on equal footing. Also I don’t think Rose’s poem works as a rap but she’d kill it at slam poetry.

The puns are SO good. ‘Captchalogue’ referring to internet captcha codes as well as the cards ‘capturing’ items is a great payoff for a word we learned 500 pages ago, and ‘proboscalypse’ is. I don’t have words

[wakeupthemembersofbylernation]

It’s really funny when you think of season 4 basically being a tragicomedy where two fruity disasters are engaged in a dance of who can miscommunicate the most. They both are actually on the same page with a desire to go crazy together and be a team but they assume the other boy is reading an entirely different book. Mike goes to Cali frazzled with a million chaotic thoughts, his confusion and flustered heart barely concealed by his Big Bird core outfit.

I have a girlfriend and I’m supposed to love her. Of course I love her, she’s my girlfriend! She’s El! She has superpowers! She’s changed my life! Yes, stick to the script! I can’t wait to meet her friends she’s been telling me about and also to meet Will 😍. Wait, why did I just get flustered? It’s just Will. My friend. Will Byers. WHO HAS APPARENTLY BEEN MAKING A PAINTING FOR A MYSTERIOUS GIRL?!? I wonder what that’s about. Actually I don’t wanna know. It’s fine. Oh my God, he got hot. Why did he get hot? Wait, don’t think that. That’s weird. He’s a boy. He’s Will. Act calm. Be normal. Uhhh. hi 😍 😍😍 Wait, why isn’t he showing me that? Does he hate me? Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he?

Meanwhile Will, with no idea about Mike’s internal monologue, is extremely eager and happy to see his best friend again and is utterly confused why he is being so weird and not hugging him and why his outfit is so questionable. I guess he doesn’t care about anything I have to say anymore. I’m so stupid. Why did I make this painting and bring it to this airport like a loser? He doesn’t want to see it. Which is literally the opposite of the truth. And then things start happening too fast to process anything, and everyone’s talking fast, and El is flagrantly lying to Mike and it’s quite disturbing. Why would she do that? Friends don’t lie. This can’t end well.

And then at the roller rink Will is in tragic yearning mode while also keenly aware that a fire is brewing and wanting to put out the fire before it hurts both his sister and his best friend, both of whom he loves dearly. But Mike is oblivious to all of this while in his feelings about Will, paying absurdly close attention to Will “moping and rolling his eyes,” interpreting things in the wrong way. And then he shoots up like a gopher on adderall when Will tells him they need to talk about El because something is terribly wrong- which would be crystal clear if Mike wasn’t hyperfocused on Will’s every mood swing- and he refuses to believe it until it becomes undeniable, choosing instead to address what is clearly on his mind significantly more than his actual girlfriend on a theoretical date. And they have a high school musical coded fight in the middle of the building, entirely misunderstanding where the other boy is coming from, and it just leaves them more flustered, frustrated, and confused. But because they are incapable of personal space, it doesn’t make them drift apart physically. They stand side by side as El absolutely decks Angela to Will’s shellshocked sinking feeling of “This is my fault. I should have prevented this from happening,” and Mike’s feeling of horror and shock and, “Where did any of this come from? I just got here.”

And then later on El and Mike have their fight about him not being able to say I love you, which is confusing and full of gaslighting and contradictions and is super messy no matter how the cake is sliced, but Will is not there for any of this, so he has no reason to believe El and Mike are on the rocks. Because why would they be? He heard Mike say I love you to a room full of their friends a year ago. And Mike is clearly dealing with so many internal thoughts and conflicted feelings that he won’t share with the class- with the class being both Will and the audience- so post el’s arrest and post her “superhero” journey we have to watch Byler have these incredibly coded conversations that get increasingly more chaotic. Mike’s basically like, “Yeah bestie I’m not sure about this whole macaroni and cheese thing and I don’t know if me and El are really right for each other, you know? It was prolly like dumb luck or something, but you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, Will, and I think we should work together as a team, as best friends, as lovers- wait, who said that? Anyway, what do you think, my totally platonic bestie?”

All this as [tender, emotional music] plays. And Will, even though it destroys him inside, is extraordinarily selfless, and is basically like, “I’m sure you and El will work things out and talk through whatever’s happening. You love each other. You are perfect for each other. And I will always be here to reassure you.” And Mike’s like, “That’s not how I envisioned this convo going. Are you sure?” And while holding back tears, Will’s like, “Of course I’m sure! Why wouldn’t I be sure? Look at this painting I made you.” And Mike’s like “Wow 😍😍😍 did you make that for me?” And Will’s like, “Sure did! Actually El basically did. She commissioned it.” And Mike is like, “Oh. Okay. It’s still really beautiful tho. Which of course it is. Because you made it. But I… I’m confused. But I don’t fully understand why I’m confused. I’m glad El needs me! I think?”

Meanwhile, Byler literally wants the same things, they both deeply desire and love each other, but they don’t know how the other feels. And if they both paused for one second, were fully honest with each other, and stopped speaking in code, things would fall into place. And they could walk hand in hand, crazy together, into the apocalypse.

[tinyinvadr]

Next chapter’s here!

Psychoborrower 2

Chapter 5

We were finally allowed back into the High Roller’s Lounge. Hollis barely acknowledged us as Raz tried to apologize. She was too preoccupied with gambling.

Then, suddenly, the tentacles I saw before burst into the room, ripping the walls apart until it was unrecognizable. The Mental Connection that Raz made floated before us as a pair of huge eyes, belonging to the Lady Luctopus herself.

She was a fusion between Raz’s Mental Connection and Bad Ideas, and took on the appearance of both the casino’s mascot and Hollis.

The room had become a blackjack table, complete with massive cards and chips. As for the interns, they had been transformed into joker cards, and Lucky was holding them hostage.

Raz and I tried PSI-Blasting her, but she was virtually indestructible. Nothing seemed to be working as she kept throwing cards and spitting explosive Bad Ideas at us. We were able to dodge her attacks, but we could only do that for so long.

From her place on my shoulder, Lori tapped on the side of my face.

“Psst, Flint! I have an idea!”

“Whatcha got?”

“You see how she has covers over her suction cups? I bet those are her weak spots! And, with a little explosives…”

She used her Telekinesis to grab a Bad Idea and throw it at her tentacle, forcing her to drop Adam and Lizzie.

The two of them were able to escape using their smelling salts, and Lucky was temporarily stunned from the explosion. Raz took that opportunity to blast his way up into her head and work on forcing her connection apart.

We continued on with this strategy to save the rest of the interns, and finally, the inciting connection was destroyed. Lucky let out one last dying scream as she vanished from Hollis’ mind. However, even after she was gone, there was still damage to be undone. It looked like it would take a while to turn the casino back into a normal hospital.

The blackjack table also disappeared, sending us free-falling until we landed outside the building. There we met Hollis, who had just come back to her senses.

“What is all this? This is all wrong! And what are you kids doing in here?”

She noticed Lori perched on my shoulder, and quickly picked her up, protectively holding her close.

“Oh, Lori, I told you not to come in here. You know it’s not safe. Are you alright? Did anything happen?”

“I’m okay. Raz and Flint took care of everything. I even helped defeat the Lady Luctopus!”

Lori paused for a second, then took on a more serious tone.

“Hey, Mom? I know how you always say that you don’t wanna force me to do Psychonaut stuff, but… I think I want to now. Getting to see these guys in action was amazing, and I feel like there’s so much more I could learn! Do you think there’s room for me in the intern program?”

Hollis sighed, giving a slight smile.

“I’ll see what I can do. We’ll talk more about this later.”

She pulled out her smelling salts and gave them to Lori so she could return to the physical world, leaving just the three of us.

As soon as Lori was gone, Hollis’ expression changed. She was furious.

“Would either of you care to explain what happened here?”

At that, Raz told her everything. He made sure to make it clear to her that I wasn’t involved in the process of altering her mind, and that I was only there to help fix it.

I stood by, feeling the dread build up. Of course, Raz needed to come clean about this. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to get kicked out of the Psychonauts. He was the whole reason I got as far as I did in the first place.

Clearly he felt horrible about what he did. He wanted a second chance, and he absolutely deserved one.

To my relief, Hollis felt the same.

She told us the story of how she made a similar mistake back when she worked at the hospital. The key difference was that she wasn’t able to reset the Mental Connection, and she had to call in the Psychonauts.

Even though she almost caused irreparable damage to her old boss, Truman saw potential in her, and gave her a second chance working for the Psychonauts instead. She learned to apply her powers the correct way, and came to understand what they’re truly meant for.

It’s a common misconception that the Psychonauts fix broken minds. But peoples’ problems can’t and shouldn’t be fixed by force. Our powers allow us to help and guide people on the path to healing. To show them how to face their inner demons, and fight alongside them.

With that in mind, we returned to the physical world. Hollis took control back over the mission, instructing Sasha and Milla so they could deactivate the PSI detectors and find the hotel room that the key we found on Nick Johnsmith belonged to.

Once we had our location, the North Tower penthouse, Raz and I were ready to investigate.

There wasn’t a direct path from our hotel room, so Gisu made a rail system to help us get there faster. Then, Morris gave us further assistance with some psychic trampolines.

We reached a locked hatch that led into the building, which Norma burned open with her Pyrokinesis. Unfortunately, by that point, the security system was back online. It didn’t take long for us to get cornered by drones. Luckily, Adam stepped in and took them out with his psychic yo-yo.

He knocked us out the window so we could avoid another drone, sending us sliding down the side of the building. Lizzie took over, making an icy ramp for us with her Cryokinesis. From there, Sam made her… contribution.

She summoned a whale at the end of the ramp, positioned directly so Raz and I would land in its blowhole. We were then shot out, landing directly on the penthouse balcony.

When we got to the hotel room, the first thing that hit us was a smell. A really, really bad smell. The source appeared to be several cans of caviar littered around the room. They looked like they’d been left out for a long time, and had since gone rotten.

The room was completely trashed. Stacks of dirty dishes were piled up all over the suite, trash cans were tipped over, and there were flies everywhere. Nick, or whoever was staying in this room, was not taking care of it.

One thing that stood out to me was a smashed, rusted birdcage in the corner of the room. The Lady Luctopus didn’t allow pets, so it was strange to see a cage in the room. Judging by its condition, the poor bird likely wasn’t treated well. I could only hope it was out flying free somewhere.

Hidden behind an octopus poster on the wall was a dark back room. All over the wall were newspaper clippings connected by red strings. The common theme? Maligula and the destruction of Grulovia.

One of them highlighted the alarming fact that Maligula’s body had been stolen from its grave. Hollis assured us that there wasn’t anything the culprit could do without her brain functioning, but the fact that someone was crazy enough to rob her grave was disturbing in and of itself.

On the desk beside the conspiracy board was a stack of books, all about necromancy. We took the whole stack, though there probably wasn’t anything useful in them. Sasha said it himself: necromancy is impossible.

Just as we were about to leave, Raz noticed a piece of paper taped to the wall. It was a picture of Lili, with a list of pros and cons about possibly recruiting her to turn against the Psychonauts. He took it off the wall and stuck it in his bag, and we headed back to regroup with the others.

“There’s nothing to worry about. Lili would never turn on her dad.”

Raz nodded. “I know, but I can’t let anyone else see this. She’s been through enough. I don’t want her to get interrogated over this. I’ll just ask her about it when we get back to HQ.”

Once everyone was back at the hotel room, we all boarded the jet and went straight back to the Motherlobe. During the flight, Sasha and Milla sifted through all of the books Raz and I found, but there was no indication of a suspect whatsoever.

The only lead we had to go off of was Nick, but that still didn’t add up. We found his brainless body stuffed in a cardboard box. There was no way he could’ve done it.

When we arrived at the Motherlobe, Hollis quickly escorted the other interns back to her classroom for debriefing. I didn’t join them, though, because Sasha asked to speak with me in his lab.

He placed me on his shoulder and was silent for the entire walk back to his lab. I could tell right away that this was about Hollis. He knew something happened to her during the mission, and she brushed him off when he tried to ask about it. I tried to keep my cool. He was reasonably upset, especially after being stuck in that vent all day.

We sat down at his desk, and after a moment, he finally spoke.

“What happened to Agent Forsythe today?”

I didn’t answer right away. I wasn’t about to lie to him, but I also felt guilty telling him about Raz when he wasn’t there to speak for himself. Sasha picked up on this immediately.

“The truth, Flint.”

I sighed. I didn’t like doing this, but Sasha deserved to know the truth.

“Raz made a Mental Connection to change her mind about letting us go on the casino mission. I tried to stop him, but Agent Forsythe forgave him, and he feels terrible about it. If the other interns hadn’t pressured him, he never would’ve-”

“Stop that.”

“Huh?”

“Flint… I know you care about your friend, but it’s not your responsibility to cover for him and clean up his messes. You should have told us what happened immediately. He almost caused irreparable damage to Hollis’ mind. Someone could have gotten hurt, or worse.”

He was right. I never should have kept this from him.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m going to talk to Razputin about this in private. Ultimately, Hollis is the one with the authority to decide what his limitations are from now on. From the looks of it, it seems she’s going to let this slide as long as he doesn’t do it again. Personally, I think more restrictions are in order, at the very least.”

I nodded. It was only reasonable to have more restrictions in place after an incident like that. Raz was extremely lucky Hollis was willing to give him a second chance. Still, there was something I had to know.

“You don’t… hate Raz after this, do you?”

Sasha sighed. “No. I’m just very disappointed. But I recognize that this is a unique situation. He’s only ten years old. There’s still room for him to learn and grow from this, just as there is room for him to be led astray. The two of you are unlike anything the Psychonauts have ever encountered. The uncertainty of your futures is admittedly concerning. I just want you to know that the path you choose is ultimately up to you, and it doesn’t have to be the same as what Raz wants. This is your opportunity to figure out what being a Psychonaut means to you, Flint.”

What being a Psychonaut means to me… That was something I thought I already knew. I wanted to prove I could do it. That a borrower had a place in the PSI community. But it turned out that wasn’t something I needed to prove at all.

I was happy about that, I really was, but it was no longer my driving force. I got what I wanted, so what was next? Where was I supposed to go from there?

Sasha knew exactly what was on my mind. Makes sense, with him being psychic.

“Why don’t you take a break? Get yourself acclimated to the Motherlobe, talk to the other agents and interns, see if they need help with anything. It’s important to build a foundation with the community here. The more we understand each other, the better equipped we are to collaborate on future missions. I know this is still fairly new to you, but I believe you’ll benefit from this. The bond you have with Raz is something special, but there’s always room for more.”

With that in mind, I headed into the tunnels and returned to the lobby. By that point, Hollis had finished her debriefing, and I saw a few of the interns hanging around.

I wasn’t about to go talk to Norma, so I opted to go see Adam.

We talked for a bit about everything that happened. He expressed that he regretted standing by and allowing the prank on Raz to happen, as well as pushing him to make the Mental Connection. It wasn’t my place to forgive him, but I could tell he meant it, and I respected that.

Things have been hard for him ever since Truman was kidnapped. With his mentor out of commission the past few days, he’d been left without much to do. He explained that he was working on a report about all of the events that Truman missed so he could fill him in once he recovered from the Psilirium poisoning, though it was also in part to distract himself from how stressed he was deep down.

Being the oldest of the interns, Adam was viewed by the others as a leader of sorts. He was calm, collected, and the best person to go to for advice. But at the end of the day, he was still a teenager just like the rest of them.

“Hey, I get it. I used to put up a front all the time back at camp.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask! What exactly happened back there with you and Raz? Did you really get to work with THE Ford Cruller?”

I was about to tell him when I heard an enraged scream followed by the smell of something burning. Lili.

“I’ll get back to you later. I should probably go talk to her before she breaks something else.”

I approached her, cautiously, waiting for her to calm down a little on her own before addressing her directly.

“Um… hey, Lili. Everything okay?”

“No. Raz just accused me of working with the mole!”

Oh God. I had a feeling that wouldn’t go well.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like-”

“Of course. Why should I expect you to do anything other than take his side?”

Ouch. She wasn’t wrong, but still. Ouch.

“Okay, how about this… Raz screwed up. Again. He does that a lot.”

“You’ve got that right.”

“But… it’s never coming from a bad place. He told me himself that he wanted you and only you to see that piece of evidence because he didn’t want the whole organization interrogating you. We know you would never turn against your dad, but there’s someone in the Psychonauts right now who did. I can’t speak for how Raz handled telling you, but at the end of the day, I know he just wants to keep you safe. After all, he loves yo…”

Mid-sentence I realized he might not be comfortable with me saying that to her, so I tried to cover it up.

“Yo-yos! Yep! That guy sure loves yo-yos!”

“I’m going through it right now so I’m just gonna pretend that last part made sense.”

“Thank you.”

Before things could get any more awkward, we were interrupted by the receptionist over the loudspeaker.

“Flint Loveseat… wait, is that right? Oh, that’s unfortunate. Uh, I mean… Flint Loveseat, please report to the reception area! You have visitors!”

“I have WHAT??”

Lili chuckled. “Need a lift? Or moral support?”

“Both please.”

She picked me up and brought me outside, where we were met with Mrs. Love. AKA, one of my family’s human hosts.

Even more surprising, though, was the person she held in her hand.

“Mom?!”

[healing-and-free]

So I had - have?- this friend. We grew up friendly, lost touch, then reconnected in college and got very close. We spent a lot of time together and she even introduced me to my husband. We are two very different people with very different temperaments but we had a lot of fun and got along well.

There were a few times during that friendship that I felt I was being pushed around or put down, in very subtle was, but was able to brush them off. After all, for the most part it was a pretty good friendship.

She has some health issues, both physical and mental, so I was usually pretty mindful of that and would help her out when she needed help.

Toward the end of our friendship I started having some health issues as well, but I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

It caused me to have extreme anxiety, stomach issues, headaches. I felt like I was dying every day and it was hard to leave the house for anything but going to work, and even that was difficult.

I had to cancel plans with this person a lot of times for this reason, to the point where she suggested doubt that I just wasn’t feeling well.

That sucked. But I felt so ill at the time I found it hard to care all that much.

Then we had a huge fight. We were out with a group. Things went wrong and mistakes were made and a lot of blame was put on me.

I am not the kind of person who can’t take responsibility for my actions. If I fuck up I will be the first to admit it and apologize for it. I have no problem with that whatsoever.

The problem was, she expected an apology from me for something I didn’t do. In fact, a lot of what went wrong was a direct result of her actions. I talked it out with her, accepted her apology, but felt pretty firm that I didn’t want to extend one to her. I felt our friendship had turned toxic and run its course. I wished her well but our friendship was irrevocably changed.

At that time, because of my hypothyroidism, every day life gave me anxiety. Stressful situations were traumatizing.

I have been reliving that trauma for nearly ten years, trying to process and move on.

I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to keep replaying it and trying to suss it out and see where I WAS at fault. We no longer even live in the same state. In fact we live almost 600 miles apart.

This past week I went back to my home town for a wedding and she was there too.

Because she is the kind of person who confronts with ease, she immediately wanted to talk about what happened. Not in the way you pick apart a problem, but to apologize and try to clear the air and put it in the past.

I felt like we needed to do that as well because I think it’s the final piece I needed to let it go. And while I did apologize for hanging on to my anger for so long and I did feel some release, I STILL am struggling to feel open to resuming a friendship with her.

She is not a bad person, she was not in a good place, and I absolutely forgive her. But when she reached out to me once I returned back home I did not feel good. I felt scared.

Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just want her to see the way things went down for me but I don’t want to reopen an old fight. I cannot express how much this event has altered my life and how I treat my friendships.

[just-emis-blog]

OC Interview Tag~

Thank you to @agirlandherquill @leahnardo-da-veggieand @drchenquill for the triple threat tag! ✨🌻

I'll be using Cai Park (the youngest [but biggest] brother of Bernard) from Artificial Bonds

Were you named after anyone?

During the process of adopting us, mother encouraged us to choose names for ourselves, since we were going by serial numbers at the time. My siblings were enthused, but I thought the entire endeavor tedious and unnecessary, so in an effort to be done with it faster I spat out the first couple of letters from one of the objects in my line of vision. Mother was pleased, but Lysander and Bernard knew exactly what I had done and were disappointed and moronically amused respectively. Lysander, being the most sensible of the two as usual, convinced me to change the spelling and pronunciation as an exercise in expressing my opinion and creativity. To this day, however, Bernard still calls me "Cayenne Pepper" whenever he wants to get a rise out of me. It works.

When was the last time you cried?

I do not engage in such frivolous activities.

[It was when a mother duck was ushering one of her lagging babies across a busy highway]

Do you have any kids?

I do have one child. There are those who might mistakenly call her a pet, simply because of the unimportant fact that she is a Komodo Dragon named Jessica. But let me ask you this; would a mere pet have access to three floors of the apartment building that you own? Of course not. Now, I know some might have opinions about parents who provide housing or other monetary aid for their adult children. But to them I say the job market is not nearly as lucrative nor secure as it was for previous generations. Basic needs like gas and rusa deer are already set at astronomical prices! Are we expect our youth to be able to afford their own housing as well? There is no shame in supporting your kids until they can stand on their own feet.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I see no point in playing verbal games. So what you mean, or rot.

What is the first thing you notice about people?

Their readiness for battle. Mind, your average person does not display the typical tells of being an experienced fighter or if their armed, but it is the first thing I check for during any interaction.

What is your eye color?

Dark brown. Nothing to write home about.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. They seem to be a prevalent theme in all of the Barbie and Magical Girl OVAs that I watch, and I enjoy those.

Any special talents?

I do...many of which I am not very proud of. The one talent I have cultivated outside of my...time...before I was adopted, is building miniature dollhouses and furniture. It is a both lucrative and enjoyable practice, and necessitates little to no violence.

Where were you born?

Born is the incorrect term. Regardless, I do not know the location. That time in my life is...blurry.

Do you have any pets?

No. But I do have a child. Please see the above question pertaining to children.

What sort of sports do you play?

Contact sports were too risky to indulge in, but I was on our school's competitive Hula Hooping team. We won two years in a row and during my last year of school we competed in the National Hula League. I am certain that it was due to all of our team's efforts, but my colleague's are convinced that we made it so far due to me being the first human being to ever look intimidating while hula hooping.

How tall are you?

6'4". A perfectly respectful, not comparable to any of the AoT Titans, height. Bernard.

What was your favorite subject in school?

Art class, specifically ceramics.

What is your dream job?

My dream job was anything as separated from fighting as physically possible. Not because I fear I will be overcome with a thirst for violence, or that I have no control over myself. If I or my loved ones are threatened I will act accordingly.

In the past I was told that fighting was all I would be capable of doing. So, I suppose I have always wanted my career to be the exact opposite of that out of spite.

And I cannot think of anything more opposite than selling a multitude of tiny wares specifically for hamsters on Etsy. Nor more satisfying.

Tagging for funsies: @dyrewrites @the-golden-comet @the-ellia-west @mr-orion

[missstiefel]

Victim of Victory

A Travis Hackett/Laura Kearney fanfiction.

Tags: slow burn, enemies to friends to lovers, fix-it-fic. drama, humor, angst with a happy ending, implied/referenced self-harm, suicide attempt

Read on ao3

Chapter 3

Laura and Chris stayed in touch after that. They kept messaging each other back and forth, checking up on the other. They talked over the phone at least once a week and Chris became something like a father figure to Laura. A place where she could simply be herself, talk about her insecurities, anxieties, and fears and not be judged.

He never pushed her to talk about anything in particular, but even if she said she didn’t want to talk about something at first, it usually ended up spilling out of her mouth anyway.

She became invigorated and dedicated herself back to her studies. With her newfound motivation it became easier to keep up and she could honestly say that she had fun studying again.

Her personal life lit up again as well. While she still didn’t really talk to her peers, she got comfortable leaving her apartment again. She had even gotten her eye checked out professionally and had a surgery to be able to fit a glass eye in the socket. The scarring around it was still bad but at least it wasn’t inflamed anymore. She looked almost like a normal human being and not like something out of a horror movie again.

The initial surgery had been covered by her insurance and Chris had insisted he paid for the implant, claiming it had been his fault in the first place. And not because he had bitten Max, but rather because he had seen the message on his answering machine but had decided not to listen to it.

In her off-time Laura had taken up weightlifting and boxing. At first it had been simply a way to keep in shape and to build up the necessary muscles for dealing with large animals and livestock but aside from that, her confidence had strengthened again as well. She sometimes wondered if it was an unconscious desire of her mind to gain physical strength as a compensation for her mental break during the winter, but she rejected that idea immediately; she had fun, and that was the main thing.

All things considered Laura was comfortable in her skin. Sometimes a depressive episode would hit, but they weren’t as bad as the first one. The voice at the back of her mind had quietened down and stayed exactly that- a voice at the back of her mind.

Now, her first year at Landis was nearly coming to an end. It was the last week of lectures, and she was frantically searching for an internship position to get some practice hours in over the summer break. So far, she had asked three local vet clinics, but all had turned her application down even though they had sounded more than positive over the phone. She couldn’t help but think that her disfigured face might have been the cause for that.

This was why she was now looking for places in wildlife care, thinking they would be more open to her application since she wouldn’t have to deal with customers there. Her laptop currently displayed the homepage of a wildlife rescue and rehabilitation organization in Baltimore, and she was in the process of jotting down the number when her screen changed with an incoming video-call.

Laura’s face instantly lit up when she saw Chris’ name appear on screen. Without hesitating she accepted and used the time while the call connected to comb her hair with her fingers. A distraction was just what she needed.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, Chris. How are you?” He seemed cheery but there was a certain tiredness in his face that wasn’t present in their last video chat.

“Ah, you know, busy preparing for the summer. How are your exams going?”

“Fine, yeah. Nearly finished now. Got two more upcoming ones next week and then I’m off to… somewhere.”

“So, you still haven’t found a place, yet?”

“Nah, but to be honest that’s kind of on me. I was a bit discouraged after the last rejection, so I’ve been procrastinating.” Laura shrugged and wanted to play it off, but her guilt crept up to her regardless.

“Oh well, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it might actually be a good thing.” How was this supposed to be a good thing? Her internship was supposed to start in two weeks, and with her now being forced to look further away from her college, she would have to find a place to stay as well. She could feel her anxiety returning while she was internally freaking out.

She still didn’t know how he did it, but Chris managed to see her teetering on the brink of a panic attack again. So he specified his statement, “Look, with the curse gone the local wildlife at the quarry has begun to flourish again. Which in turn means, that we can add wildlife care back into our camp program. And we would obviously need a qualified counsellor for that. So, maybe I was thinking I could kill multiple birds with one stone by inviting you.”

Laura was flabbergasted. Did she really want to go back there? Her instincts were screaming at her to decline but her logic was pleading to not even think about it. On one hand she would have to face her fears and revisit the place where her sanity had gone out the window but on the other, she would have an actual internship. One where she would be doing more than just brewing coffee and guiding people to their respective treatment rooms.

Don’t let your doubt and insecurities turn you against yourself. You are stronger than this. Her internal debate was rather short-lived, it seemed to be a no-brainer. But she wanted to see where this was going, she wanted to let Chris work for it. He seemed pretty intent on getting her to come back, so she decided to play dumb.

“But if I was to kill birds, how would that be described as wildlife care? Or do you have some kind of avian flu going around that would warrant emergency slaughter?”

He actually seemed taken aback by her sarcasm and did a double take before answering, “Um, I hope you know that it was supposed to be a metaphor. I just thought that since you were looking for a place and I had a spot open, it would benefit us both. Also, Kaylee and Caleb are really looking forward to meeting their saviour. And well, I’d like to see you in person again as well, I guess. And you could spend some time away from college…”

Chris seemed to be aware of his rambling and stopped himself. Laura was too focused on not bursting out laughing that she didn’t register his eyes flying open in a shocked expression, thinking that he might have made things worse.

As soon as she did though, she put him at ease. “Relax Chris, I was joking. Though I would really appreciate not having to kill anything this time around.”

Relieved, he chuckled. “I think we can arrange that. Does it mean you’re saying you’re in?”

“Hell yeah. How could I say no to that?” Laura was aware that she sounded far surer of herself than she felt. She guessed she had some more emotional unpacking to do before the last fibre of her being was on board with the idea.

“Great! Camp starts July 13th, but maybe you’d like to come a few days earlier? I promise I’m not letting Travis arrest you this time.”

“Uhh sure, I’ll let you know as soon as I sorted things out on my end.” She didn’t think his last statement was necessary, though she could appreciate the foresight.

They made some more small talk before Chris had to rush to the door for a delivery he had been waiting on, so they decided to call it a day.

 ----------------

Laura was rushing home from college with a spring in her step. Her stepfather had just agreed that she could borrow a car for the summer and the time of her internship. Of course, he didn’t know that it would be in North Kill, but then her parents never really knew what happened last summer anyway.

Jogging through the stuffy streets, the slapping of her trainers onto the concrete matching her pounding heart, she couldn’t believe her luck. It seemed like the stars had aligned for her again and she was back on track in her life.

As she got back to her dingy little dorm room to pack up the last of her clothes for the summer, she shot Chris a short text to tell him she’d be there tomorrow evening. Unbeknownst to her, he’d already been sitting on pins and needles because he hadn’t heard a peep from her for the whole week.

Stuff all packed up Laura relaxed back on her couch and put on a random Netflix show. She didn’t pay the TV much heed while she was simultaneously researching the area of North Kill. Something she probably should have already done last summer but had been too lenient to do so.

Concerning the town itself her search wasn’t very fruitful. But there was more than enough information on the local wildlife, albeit mostly the huntable part. That was probably also why she only found information about local diners and pubs.

The Harbinger Motel actually had a decent web presence. Everything the hunters obviously needed were a place to stay, food and alcohol. And prey. God, Max and I should have just gone to the motel.

Before her thoughts could drift off again into the dark abyss that made up the could-have-been, her phone pinged with an incoming text message. Chris affirmed her arrival and invited her to dinner at the lodge.

With that she closed her laptop and went to bed. Tomorrow would be an exhausting yet exciting day.

----------------

You’re the voice in my head when I’m at my weakest

You’re the ache in my chest and I hate to feel this

Hey doubt, there’s no doubt, I’m here to prove you wrong

You’re dead to me now, I’m done living with this doubt

The speakers were blaring loudly while Laura drove into the forests of North Kill. Carefree and on the top of her voice she sang along to the lyrics of ‘Doubt’ by Through Fire. The perfect song to quieten down her raging subconscious thoughts.

You place your hands around my neck

And now I feel you stealing every breath

As you’re telling me what I’m never gonna be

But in the end, you’d be nothing more than a memory in time

When I say goodbye

As the trees grew denser around the road Laura was currently driving on, her phone slowly but steadily lost connection. Thankfully, she had planned ahead this time and marked the position of Hackett’s Quarry on her map.

With a little sense of direction finding the Quarry was a piece of cake this way. She parked next to Chris’ car in front of the lodge but stayed seated to gather her scattered belongings and finish listening to the current song of her playlist.

She just got out of her car and made her way to the trunk when another car pulled up alongside hers.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Even if the lights fixed to the cars roof weren’t proof enough, the word sheriff written in bold letters on the side was like a slap in the face.

Laura had absolutely no intention of running into the sheriff on her first day in North Kill. Or ever. Yes, she supposed it wouldn’t have been possible to evade him for her whole stay. He was Chris’ brother after all.

But him being the first person she crossed paths with? Again? It was like a fucking déjà-vu. A morbid, infernal repeat of events past. What was she going to do now?

She decided to give him the cold shoulder. Do not talk to him at all. She wasn’t so sure she could remain calm if she talked to him. She didn’t want to embarrass herself by accidentally cussing him out in front of his brother. She was supposed to be above that by now.

But something in the back of her mind nagged her that there was a much bigger chance of her spilling all her recent breakdowns and insecurities. And there was just no way she would give Travis Hackett the satisfaction of seeing her carefully re-curated façade crumble.

So, without further ado she grabbed the duffel and made her way up the stairs. In the broad daylight the front porch looked far less intimidating than she remembered. She’d almost say cosy if it weren’t for the memories of her last visit.

Before she even got the chance to knock on the door, a deep and well-known voice called out behind her.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing? This is private property.”

So much for the slight chance of the sheriff being replaced by someone else.

Closing her eyes and mentally bracing herself for the inevitable, she feebly lifted her fist to knock on the door.

“Ma’am!” before she could rap her knuckles against the wood, he interrupted her again. “I’m talking to yo-“

He immediately broke up as she spun around. Laura was surprised that he was far closer to the stairs than she had anticipated. But it gave her a clear view of his face. He looked baffled.

“Cat got your tongue?”

So much for giving him the silent treatment. His face still triggered a flight or fight response that Laura was unable to resist. Since fleeing didn’t work, she would just have to engage. Just don’t say anything stupid.

‘’Miss Kearney,” he pursed his lips as his face went back to a neutral expression. “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t see why that would be any of your business.” snapped Laura. It was familiar territory.

Surprisingly he relented, “You’re right. It’s not.” The fuck? Travis Hackett has a conscience all of a sudden? “Doesn’t mean I won’t ask again.” Or maybe not.

While he stared relentlessly at her, she held his gaze as good as she was able to. It wasn’t much but she had to stand her ground. To evade the uncomfortable position he has her trapped in, she turned back around and knocked on the door.

She was invited after all. As soon as he opened the door, Chris would tell Travis politely to get lost since he had company.

She counted the seconds in her head because while she heard footsteps from inside the house, she also heard the sheriff advancing on the stairs behind her. Just as Travis reached the top of the stairs, a cheerful Chris opened the door. Thank God.

“Laura! It’s so good to see you.” Before she could reply he wrapped her in a fierce bear-hug. As he released her, he adjusted the kitchen towel draped over his shoulder and turned to his brother. “Perfect, now that everybody’s here, dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Come on in!”

“Wait,” Laura and Travis exclaimed simultaneously. Warily, Laura glanced back at Travis. He looked as confused as her. For a split second their eyes met before she averted hers to the floor. As she turned back towards Chris, she found he had already disappeared back to the kitchen probably.

With a gentle shove Travis ushered her further inside so he could close the door behind him. Without another word he snatched the duffel bag out of her hand and brushed past her into the large dining area where he unceremoniously deposited it on a bench.

Not knowing what else to do with herself, Laura followed him cautiously. As she glanced around the vast area, she couldn’t help but wonder how she got to this point in the first place. Nope, no, don’t go there.

To divert her thoughts from going back in time, she fixed her sights on the sheriff who had gone to sit at one of the tables. He was still in uniform -as if he owned anything else- and he looked as grumpy as ever. Chris obviously hadn’t told him she’d be here either.

As if he knew she was looking at him, he looked up. “So, how has life treated you?” Laura tried to fill the uncomfortable silence with small talk and to avert him from her staring at him.

As an answer he raised an eyebrow. Working his jaw, he thought about a reply. “Can’t complain. Though I have to say it’s refreshing to have someone else judge me again.” He offered sarcastically.

Wow, was that an insult wrapped in a compliment?

“You know what? Never mind. Sorry I asked.” Civil was definitely not a word that could be associated with Travis Hackett. But he wasn’t the reason she was here, so she’d just have to bear him until he left. She was here for a reason, and she wouldn’t let a creepy cop stop her from achieving her goals.

Thinking about her practice hours gave her the courage she needed to face the upcoming hour. This summer she was going to leave the past in the past and forge ahead. Just like she used to. Chris made sure of that, and he had promised to keep Travis at bay though she seriously questioned his methods.

As if summoned by her thoughts, she heard Chris approaching and announcing, “Dinner is ready!”

[valiantgentle]

Okay, I would like to humbly request: tell me all about Scarlett! Rent OCs are so freaking rare, and I am utterly curious about her!!

(Also, you're really freaking awesome and all of your OCs are really freaking awesome, and I hope you're doing well!! 🖤🖤🖤)

hi!! i am doing well and even better after reading ur lovely words <3 and i am so sorry this took so long for me to answer! it took a while to get my thoughts in order and make it coherent

scarlett!! it has been so long since i've thought about her! she was my emotional support character from the years of 2016 – 2019 and that was the last time i wrote anything for her so i'm gonna have to reach into the deepest depths of my brain which will be interesting!

warnings for mentions of: abuse, suicide, drug and alcohol addiction

so i actually have three (3) different universes for scarlett. there's the original one based on the movie adaptation that i wrote like two? sequels for, then an au that was based solely on the stage production, and then another au that, if i recall correctly but i’m a little hazy on it, combines both BUT april ericson (aka roger's girlfriend who died before the start of the plot) is alive! that one (satellite call, which i link in my masterlist & on my characters page) is my favorite and honestly it's the one i consider the True Story now, if that makes sense. it's also the best-written of the three, the others are Not That Good,,, there’s a lot about all of the fics i would change if i rewrote them now, but they did get me through those horrible, horrible three years so moving on!

u asked to know all about her and my solution to that is to give you a quick-and-concise scarlett backstory in bullet points and give it headings so that it's easier to read! (okay maybe not THAT quick and concise) (i talked so much.........i tried to rewrite it to make it feel like i’m not just info-dumping but every time i tried to make it even more concise it didn’t make any sense so this is what we’re going with lol) (and like...all of this is just the tip of the iceberg honestly. like the most basic of details)

1971 – 1989-ish

she was born in georgia to an emotionally neglectful family in the same town where april ericson (listen i know TECHNICALLY she's not mine and technically larson created her, but that was just like 2 lines in the show and i've adopted her as my own) grew up, so they knew each other. april’s a year older than scarlett. scarlett’s mom named her after the protagonist in gone with the wind and scarlett HATES that so much

when scarlett was a teenager, she started dating april's younger brother will, who was not a good person. he was abusive and all-around The Worst

april eventually caught on and helped scarlett escape, but it wasn’t easy. scarlett attempted suicide, was found by april barely in time, and was in a coma for close to two weeks iirc, but after she woke up and started getting better she was able to break up with will. in the aftermath, scarlett ended up spending more and more time with april, who she was starting to view as a sister after already viewing her as her savior

around the time of scarlett's high school graduation, april invited her to move to nyc with her to get away from everything that happened and put physical distance between them and will. scarlett agreed and they found an apartment together in alphabet city and april found scarlett a therapist to help process her trauma and her ptsd from the abuse

1992-ish (?) – 1995

i can't remember how many years after that it was but eventually scarlett meets the characters of rent and introduces april and roger, who obviously hit it off

meanwhile scarlett, who has not been in a relationship since will and is too afraid to even ponder the thought, starts falling for mark (who was with maureen at the time) but keeps pushing down her feelings for him even after they break up because she doesn't want to be hurt again.

for the record, scarlett/mark was to 2016 – 2019 me what mara/jonathan from my mummy fic are to present-day me and i think it's very obvious how much i love mara and jonathan to give u an idea shdjfk

so the april-roger drug addiction happens, at some point both of them contract hiv and april dies by suicide, as mentioned in the show/movie. scarlett is the one who finds her (remember when i said april was the one who found scarlett after her own suicide attempt?) which changes everything for her

scarlett's always been a closed book so she's never opened up about her past to the others. they didn't even know she was seeing a therapist until april died. this doesn’t change after april's death, they still don’t know anything about her past, but she worries a lot about roger and worries about him relapsing or choosing the same route april did.

depending on which story we're talking about, things after that go pretty much as rent itself goes. mark's always the first person scarlett opens up to about will and how she really knew april, and it's always after angel's death. that's pretty much the one thing that doesn't change throughout the three universes. satellite call (aka the April Lives AU is my favorite of the three because i had always loved writing the scarlett-april flashbacks in the other ones and wondering how things would change in the story if april was alive was so so interesting to me. the most notable thing that changes for scarlett in that one is how her path goes. it diverges so much from the other stories so i'll talk about that a little!

THE SATELLITE CALL YEARS

obviously the biggest thing in her life in this au is that april lives, and she doesn't lose the person she views as her savior and as a sister. so april recovers, she goes to rehab, she gets a therapist like scarlett does, and tries to move forward with scarlett at her side. so in a way, at this point they're kind of codependent

the important thing to mention about this au is that here scarlett is approached by the same dealer that supplied april and roger to buy some pills from him multiple times, and by the time angel starts getting sick and they realize he's dying, she just wants the pain she feels to end. and that starts the biggest change in this story: scarlett's drug and alcohol addiction

i can't remember why i wrote it this way or why i chose this route for her, but i know that looking at it now, this path for her makes the most sense to me out of all the paths her story has taken in all the stories i wrote for her

it does offer up a "two sides of the same coin" dynamic between scarlett and april. they have a lot more in common than they think, which is why things blow up majorly between them around the time of angel's death. like it gets BAD. but it leads to scarlett confessing her addictions to mark, who along with april and collins, helps her into rehab

i....haven’t written anything past that........i do remember most of what was supposed to happen in the second half of satellite call but like i mentioned at the top of the post i haven’t written for her in 3 years :( i’m hoping i’ll get to come back to her one day though and write the rest of that story :)

some other fun (and they are ACTUALLY fun!) facts about scarlett off the top of my head:

she likes strawberries

she's a math nerd

she's a waitress, mainly working at the life cafe

her favorite holiday is christmas

[meltlilies]

🥀🧣🍄? :)

🥀 (wilted flower) - How does your character deal with stressful situations? Is their fear response fight, flight, freeze or fawn?

So a lot of Ves' character is that he has severe anxiety from the like, mid 2060's on because of everything he experienced with his family and by extension Arasaka. He comes off so nice (read: a fucking pushover) in terms of his reputation because he can't really muster the strength to be anything else while keeping himself together. So he can't cope well because he straight up has no foundation to do so in the first place because his life is one stress after another and he's in constant flight mode. But with respect to the events of the game, it's flight but to the nth bad degree because he goes from the constant stress and overthinking and worrying to borderline numb about it all. All too accepting of whatever horrible fate or death awaits him as a result of his and his friends' failures at the hands of the Relic. He has to be dragged out of it more often than not by a third party--Johnny, his partner Mistletoe, and later on Kerry--just so he can form a response.

Oh but specifically, midway into Phantom Liberty or so, anything corp related (Arasaka especially) his response immediately becomes fight because he's had enough of them ruining his life much less other peoples'.

Post-Mikoshi he is dealing with stress by just removing himself from the situations, honestly. He has a beautiful rich husband and he's gonna take advantage of being able to just leave when shit gets bad and enjoy his company!

🧣(scarf) - What comforts your oc? Is it an item? An action? A person? Whatever it is, how any why does it comfort them?

There's two things.

Firstly is physical contact. It takes him a long time to warm up to being touched at all in any capacity but he is, by nature, a very clingy person so he jumps at the opportunity to be close to someone, even if it's just sitting with your shoulders touching while you watch a movie. But even more than that, he loves being held? Unfortunately not many people can pick him up in the state his body is currently in (being 79% metal and cyberware means you're EXTREMELY heavy and Kerry can only do so much without some muscle boosters), but he loves to lay on top of someone, even if it's just partially so he doesn't crush them. He runs a little too hot so he's just 65 inches of warm weighted blanket.

The second is actually playing music! Growing up the only thing he enjoyed were the music lessons he had with a neighbor every night, and she taught him how to play the piano and the cello. His friendship turned romance with Kerry reminded him that he used to like things once upon a time, and Kerry bought him a bass for his apartment so he could play when he was alone. He doesn't actually write any music until years down the line, but playing old songs he likes and poorly singing along helps him get into a much better headspace and actually gets him to relax enough to be meaningful. He also plays with Johnny and Kerry, sometimes, letting himself get lost in it with some company in the process.

🍄 (mushroom) - Does your character like being in nature or do they prefer the indoors? Do they have any outdoor hobbies like camping or fishing? If they prefer the indoors, why?

Outside of a couple years of living with nomads I don't think he really ever got the chance to do stuff like that. He doesn't even know how to swim when Judy takes him diving, honestly! But i think he really enjoys being outside when he can, really liking the ocean when he can ever get to a beach. He happily takes up Kerry on the offer of visiting his beach house in Florida, just sitting in the wet sand by the shore and letting the waves crash over him.

He lives chilling inside with his partners and watching a movie but he needs the change of scenery here and there, lest he go stir crazy, especially when he's not necessarily in the best of headspaces. I think one day he really would like to go on a boat and sail for a bit where it doesn't end up in an explosion, but just once. They can happily cause property damage anytime.

[mishffy]

so i recently came into ownership of an early 2000s version of la luice's iconic 2 way rabbit rucksack, and i happen to also have a brand new one i recently bought and haven't taken out yet, so im in a position where i have both bags new with tags and around 20 years apart in age! i was inspired by josine maaike's blog post where she did a comparison of her two rabbit bags, and since my models are slightly different from hers i wanted to do the same so that there are more resources out there on these adorable guys

lets start off with the tags

the older one came with only one attached tag, while the 2024 version came with 3. the older tag is a light yellow whilst the new one is pink, but the art is the same

here are the backs. as you can see, they both have some info like item number and some contact info, but the new one is more detailed and you can see how their email and website url have changed. this is how i was able to date the older one as being from the early 2000's, since the website on the tag was out of use by la luice by late 2005. the older one also has a warning that its a hand dyed product and you need to take care when washing. which leads us onto the tags inside the bag!

the old one has no brand tag, but had a small wash tag, whereas the new one has a brand tag but no wash tag! we know la luice bags were often credited as being from the brands that stocked them (meta, putumayo, spica), and them having no actual tag sewed in from la luice would explain why this might have happened so often.

now lets look at physical differences...

you can see a colour difference from the old one (left) and new one (right). im not sure whether this is from the dyeing process being different or just age

their faces are also a notable difference. the newer one has a very shapely face (he is a chiselled chad) whereas the old one has a round baby face and a more bulbous nose thats sits on top of his snout.

the ears on the new one have some wire in them to give them the straight appearance, whilst the ears on the old one flop straight down.

and look at the collars! the old one has a droopy ribbon tie while the new one has a layered lace bow tie

the lace they used in the ruffles at the bottom was also different. the old one has little flower wreath patterns while the new one has a rose pattern, but the most notable difference is the layer of lace added to the bottom of the new one (right)

lastly, and a very minute detail, but the hardware on the old one was more of a screw shape whereas on the new one its a beaded design.

overall, in my opinion these two bags are both perfect and for being so far apart in age they look suprisingly identical. the quality and attention to detail is equally amazing in both so you really can't go wrong with la luice. thanks if you read this far!! id be interested to hear about any similarities and differences from your la luice bags.

[blueikeproductions]

The Heathers AU is primarily inspired by a couple of things: the various fan animatics based on the Musical and a line from the movie where JD says that nobody loves him.

The fan animatics added (even more of) a sympathetic bent to JD, and that made me wonder how things might’ve gone if JD lowered his guard enough to have made a friend at a previous school, and what would happen if the two reunited.

JD and Dan’s dynamic is loosely inspired by Damone and Rat from Fast Times At Ridgemont High, albeit somewhat reversed. While Dan is nerdy and geeky like Rat, he’s more confident in himself while JD on the surface is a cool, genre savvy heartthrob like Damone, he’s also extremely insecure and a bit fidgety in a situation he’s not in control of.

Dan can see right through JD’s shell, and is able to talk to the hurt kid underneath who is just desperately looking for acceptance and love. JD still keeps up his defenses, but Dan and later Veronica’s persistence weakens these barriers enough for him to form proper connections with the two.

However because of his inability to make friends otherwise, he’s very clingy and over protective, despite not outwardly showing it, and anyone who hurts or bothers Veronica and Dan are an enemy that must be eliminated. When Kurt and Ram change their ways and become friends with Dan, JD can’t process this at all at first, but only when Kurt and Ram help him out also is when it finally sinks in for JD that maybe there IS hope and people can change.

While Westerberg is fixated on labels and cliques, the Heathers (and later Betty) seeing to it the labels stick, the concept seems to have been broken the moment JD and Dan moved into town. Besides their “friendly acquaintanceship”, Dan was already good friends with Veronica (lower rung geek turned Heather), Martha (fellow geek), the sunglasses Stoner chick (I know she has a name but I have completely forgotten it), Dennis (student paper and yearbook committee member) and later Kurt and Ram (the musclebound jocks), proving that those from different cliques can still genuinely get along despite different interests.

Even other kids are impressed at the mostly nonjudgmental nerd happily beating the tune of his own drum and find him likable, especially Gold Heather.

While JD has misanthrope tendencies by this point, Dan is mostly clean. He doesn’t smoke (despite being friends with the Stoner girl and her playful attempts at getting him to) and he doesn’t drink, the later mostly because he has a food allergy to alcohol that causes his throat to swell shut. He’s also not too judgmental, showing support for LGBT kids in particular, as he has gay relatives and he himself is bisexual (though he doesn’t display that side of him much. He once said Kurt and Ram were his type physically but didn’t care for their attitudes, and that was before he found out they were actually decent kids and gay), but like JD he makes his disdain for those he doesn’t like clear, mostly Red and Green Heather, Thrash, Throttle and a couple of teachers that rub him the wrong way. He likes to playfully tease fellow bisexual Veronica sometimes, wondering if she partially puts up with the Heathers so she can get some action with Red or Green Heather to Veronica’s embarrassment.

While upset at JD for murdering some of the students, Dan …isn’t above it, as he confesses to Veronica prior to the boiler room skirmish that he and JD had to kill for survival back at Hawkins, Indiana. He’s not proud of it, and hoped that part of his life was behind him but is dragged back into it again when he and Veronica have to stop JD from blowing up the school. Thankfully Dan and Veronica were able to reach JD without having to kill him in this universe.

Dan lives with his parents and baby brother Liam (born one year before the events of Heathers) in a small house somewhat near the apartment complex JD and his dad lived in. Later, a repentant JD joins the family after the Westerberg adventure, with nowhere else to go now that his father died. The two boys share a room with Liam, and while crowded JD doesn’t mind as this is a new experience for him. JD takes a special interest in Liam, and surprisingly excels in being a big brother/parental figure, making sure Liam doesn’t get into trouble as he gets older. When their friends start moving away for college, JD opts to stay in Sherwood a little longer, to experience life in a town he was never able to before. Dan and Martha attend the local community college, while Veronica constantly writes, so JD’s not alone while on his new life journey. (He and Veronica have since picked up the pieces and resumed their relationship.)

[betweenthescarletmoon]

Something i adore about scenes from a marriage (2021), whether or not the theme was present in the original, is the presence and effects of childhood emotional neglect in the main characters.

From the first episode, you can feel it. There's so much love and care yet so much disconnect and misunderstanding between Jonathan and Mira. They suppress themselves, they discredit their needs to prioritize the other's, they promise they're fine when their eyes scream otherwise.

Episode two shows how Mira felt dead and numb with Jonathan, how she felt like she couldn't breathe with him. And the fact that they never, ever, ever talked about how the abortion destroyed them... Jonathan watches porn and eats alone at night, only for his face to light up like a lighthouse when Mira returned (because he felt so lonely, but he never told her that). How Mira felt so much bitterness and resentment for him, stuck in loneliness herself, but lost her self-assertion and security (or never had it) and chose to never tell him the truth. The way she was finally facing so many emotions (guilt, regret, rage, sorrow, fear) she probably never allowed herself to feel before (perhaps since childhood), so it was too overwhelming and painful for her to do so. The way he abraded his face before tears would spill, and shut down and forgave and comforted instead of feeling, until the repressed boiling stress and agony caused an asthma attack.

Episode three was all Mira trying to feel some familiarity and security now that she was finding none anywhere, using a Jonathan who holds no boundaries, who apologizes for trying to assert his need to heal, his right to consent or deny sex. Mira, who cannot handle true emotional intimacy, because it scares her, so when Jonathan is finally learning to open up emotionally for the first time in his life, exactly about the emotional neglect that traumatized him, she tries to make it physical and sensual to escape that terrifying new level of trust. The need in Mira to diminish the relationship they had, the need in Jonathan to begin detaching himself from all future relationships just like Mira does. This is the beginning of the rot that takes place in both of them, because if you don't tend to what's inside how can it stay alive? It is our job to take care, heal, and maintain what our parents failed to care, raise, and love unconditionally. Jonathan is trying with therapy, while Mira is not. Later we see the roles switch.

In episode four we witness them at their worst. Wildly violent and impulsive in sexual, physical, and verbal dimensions, no matter the repercussions and the wellbeing of the other. And yet, Jonathan is more self-aware than ever. He asserts himself, he stands up for himself, he fights her insults, he tries to communicate, and finally, he extricates himself from the situation (until a desperate, emotionally breaking down, hopeless Mira stops him). Mira, without space or will to face what is within, is instinctively running to Jonathan without thought or care towards him or even herself. It is deeply toxic because she can't be alone with her hurt, can't bring herself to process all this grief. This is what primarily tears them apart the way they did that night.

And in the finale, we see Mira finally able to do just what she couldn't last episode. And devastatingly, we see Jonathan become the empty shell we saw in Mira in episode three. When you choose to perceive the world as untrustworthy, as unable to see you for who you are, as unconditionally vicious and neglectful and cruel, no amount of therapy or self-awarenes will change that will to see the world like this. His choice in detaching and numbing himself, relying on cognitive dissonance about freedom and morality, is his choice to emotionally neglect his new wife and child (as well as Ava, as well as himself). And the beauty, the absolute beauty of episode five, despite how messed up and horrid it is for them to be having this affair, is that Mira was emotionally present for him. She listened to him for the first time in four episodes. She expressed her sorrow for him, her worry. She held him with care and gentleness, and not with an ulterior need. She empathized in his weakest moments, embraced him when that neglected inner child was unleashed in the attic, in the darkness, after that nightmare. And Jonathan knows. He is well aware she is loving him the way he wasn't as a child, and he states exactly how his mother failed to do what Mira is doing now.

In short, educate yourself about CEN. Learn about how your most well-meaning parents could've emotionally failed you. And see for yourself how, untreated and unprocessed, or simply not accepted, that invisible and underestimated trauma can rot people up on the inside. This series portrays wonderfully, painfully, the true poison that is emotional neglect, and the necessity to have emotional maturity and love to heal.

[tommyspeakycap]

Please write one about making fun of Jack for being jealous over the fact that your baby is getting more cuddles from you. Thank youuuuuuu

Mama’s Boys

“He’s just gorgeous,” Karen coos softly, her finger gently brushing over the sweet baby boys little face as he lays snugs swaddled in your arms. Jack re-enters the living room of his beautifully decorated home with his dad and brother in tow. Kiera stifles a laugh as she leans closer to your side and mutters; “How many Grealish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” To which your lips stretch wide across your face with her laughter-lit eyes. Karen leans in too, “Hopefully not as many as it takes to fit a car seat.”

Laughter bounces through you, Jack’s mother and his two younger sisters, only fuelled by the the confused looks from each of the Grealish men. The little boy in your arms barely even stirs.

“We’re ready to go whenever you are.” Kevin announces, clapping his hands together in that very true dad fashion that indicates he’s now wanting to get going. If the way he had been trying to hint at being hungry hadn’t already suggested that. Everyone starts to move around fairly soon after that, with Jack’s mother helping you out to the car. Your two week post baby body hadn’t quite healed up yet and she had been the most amazing help you could ever have imagined. Jack was fantastic, but his mother was experienced in looking after kids and she could come over while Jack was working. He had his last game before his Christmas break just three days ago.

You sat in the back of the car, eagle eyes still too soon after birth to want to be away from your brand new baby boy just yet.

“I can’t believe we got a Christmas baby.” You beam as he helps you out the car, one around around your waist while his other hand held tight around the baby carrier as you walk together through his parents front door. It always made Jack nervous to be carrying it in case he dropped his newborn son despite how man times you reassured him he wouldn’t. “I still can’t believe we have a baby.” He admits, his voice the very sound of disbelief. His heart had been so overwhelmed with joy but his work didn’t slow down to allow him to process it, so he was still pretty much in shock that there was another tiny little human who now relied on you both for everything. “And such a perfect baby,” Jack continues as he sets the carrier with your sleeping son down carefully on the floor, “Just like his mama.” He leans in, pressing his lips softly down onto yours, hands reaching around to pull you into his chest-

“Waaaaa!”

You break apart quickly. Jack sighs in discontent with his eyes falling closed as you crouch to scoop your baby boy up into your arms and walk off into the packed Grealish family living room. Jack groans once your out of earshot. He felt like he hasn’t hugged or kissed you in forever when he had been used to getting your affection and giving you his multiple times throughout the day.

Baby boy Grealish was being fed on demand via what Jack had referred to as the “nippular method” that had you physically wetting your pants a little bit. What he meant of course was breast feeding, but the word had failed to find him at that moment. So it would be safe to say there was very little time for he and you to even be holding much of a conversation between last minute Christmas shopping, wrapping and meeting family even though Jack had assured you a million times that his family wouldn’t mind if you just took a break to relax after literally pushing a child out of you. He just wanted a bloody kiss.

He didn’t blame his baby at all, he loved that little boy more than anything he’d ever known. That’s exactly what Jack had been like. More than the world, more than his life itself. and he wasn’t surprised the bald little thing was a mama’s boy. But that did not mean he wasn’t going to pout about the little man getting more of you than he could. Last Christmas had been a day of hot chocolate sitting by the fire, constantly in his arms. This one he’d barely even touched you. That was bad enough for any man, but for Jack who is so physically affectionate and very tactile, it’s borderline painful.

“Are you alright, love?” Karen asks. Jack turns his head to her slowly, seemingly taken carefully from his trance. He was looking straight at the mantle where a picture of you, Jack and your baby boy was sitting pride of place. It was brand new and he loved it. You had the same one in your living room at home. Jack nods, but his sigh gives him away and leads his mother to sit down next to him. “Just want a bloody hug.” He admits, shrugging his shoulders and trying to hide his face for the embarrassment that creeps up his cheeks. Her mother responds to that with a small coo and attempts to wrap her arms around her son immediately, much fo his protest,

“Oi not from you eh? From (y/n)!” He protests, his mothers snot if laughter immediately meeting his ears. “S’ not funny, mum. Babies stole my fiancé.”

That only serves to make her laugh harder, also eliciting a laugh from his brother who immediately tells his eldest sister who sprints off through the house, taunting in a sing at the top of her lungs. Siblings are never too old to taunt each other like that.

“Jack’s jealous of the baby! Jack’s jealous of the baby!”

“Oi. I’m not!” He calls after her in protest, jumping to his feet just as you appear in the doorway with a cheeky glint in your eyes and a smug grin. He knows he can’t lie to you anyway, so he backs down and you giggle. The little boy wide awake now in your arms coos too, immediately attracting his daddies attention. Jack looks at you, standing there in an England Grealish 7 shirt cradling a baby boy who wears the same outfit. His heart is suddenly so, so warm. He hadn’t really been able to see his son like this, so awake and so alert for having been working so hard before the winter break finally allowed him full home time. He was going to be missing every match of January too to stay home with you guys and he couldn’t be more excited.

“You know,” you hum softly, “It would be nice to have a family cuddle, you know?”

Jack’s cheeks tint an ever so slight red, but he barely waits a moment before he wraps his arms around you and the baby, careful not to squish him as he pressed a kiss to your forehead gently.

“If it makes you feel any better son,” his dad cuts in with a clap on his back, “Our Christmas gift to you is a spa weekend and a coupon for granny-day-care.” And it very much does make Jack feel a bit better. With time, he’s surer than anything that you’ll work the intimacy and time for each other out. It’s a work in progress, a learn on the job kind of experience and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

And really, neither would you for later that evening when you’re back at your beautiful little home and Jack is the one to clamber out of bed in the middle of the night to change and put his baby boy back down to bed, you find yourself listening to him speak to that sweet little boy through the baby monitor he left on. He’s talking about how sweet he is, how much his mummy and daddy love him and how stinky he is right now but daddy wouldn’t change him for the world. And then he trails off his silly baby voice that already makes you want another.

“You’re a mama’s boy though, aren’t you stinky man?” He coos, careful with his hands fastening those tiny little buttons on the front of a blue baby grow. He picks up the two week old and holds him carefully as he always does. “But daddy can’t blame you, bubba. Daddy loves your mama so, so much. It’s something we’ll always have in common eh? We’re both your mama’s boys.”

[violettelueur]

— JUJUTSU KAISEN EPISODE NINE || SMALL FLY AND REVERSE RETRIBUTION

↳ featuring : gojo satoru + ieiri shoko (mentions of fushiguro megumi + kugisaki nobara + zenin maki + nanami kento) from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : mention of corpse + mention of blood + EXTREME grammar issues

↳ form : story

↳ published : 09 march

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ word count : 2.4k

↳ synopsis : within the jujutsu world, there were three famous clans to be aware of, the Kamo clan, Zenin clan and the Gojo clan. However, unknown to many sorcerers there was one last family that was known to be apart of the three, only for them to disappear after the golden era leading some to speculate that they had died in battle after the sealing of ryomen sukuna, but....

↳ previous episode : boredom

↳ next episode : idle transfiguration 

↳ barista’s notes : hi there everyone! right now i know i haven’t been the most active i have been but i really thankful on how patient you all are ʕ •ᴥ•ʔゝ☆ once again, thank you all for the birthday messages you have given me and the love that you all have for Y/N, i’m really glad that you love her character ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ i hope you enjoy today’s episode even though it isn’t that interesting at all to be honest...

BEFORE READING, I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS:

1. the whole story belongs to Gege Akutami and the credits go to them and them only.

2. the spell curses used belong to Tite Kubo due to them being the ‘Kidos’ being used on the manga and anime ‘Bleach’ - but none is mentioned in this chapter.

2.5 for the ‘cursed spells’/kidos (bleach) i will link this video here and tell you the time stamp to check out what i am intending to show - remember i add a few twist here and there by adding the katana to link with Y/N’s cursed technique

no cursed spells used this episode..

3. if you are confused on anything, please don’t hesitate to message me since i know this whole thing is so confusing.

“At this point, I’m not going to get any sleep if I keep doing this,” you mumbled quietly to yourself, as you leisurely walked down the stone steps that lead to the familiar track field you had been going to for the past few weeks for training due to the up and coming Kyoto Sister-School Goodwill Event.

Currently, there was nothing more than a few mild wind breezes as well as the brightness from the moon keeping you company as you decided to come out of your room for the night - how many times have you done this? You wouldn’t even know the answer yourself, you just let yourself go outside to get some fresh air.

Finally reaching to the bottom of the steps, you casually made your way to the tree you always sat under during training with your classmates and second-year upper-classmen before taking off your black longline coat to place it on the ground like a cover as you processed to sit before laying right on top of it leading your view to change from the field to the sky that was slightly shielding by the branch and leaves from the trees.

“What...am I even doing here?” you questioned yourself while raising your arm slightly above your face as you stared at your hand absently like the answer you were looking for was at the back of your hand.

From what you have learnt at being at Jujutsu Tech for some time, you learnt that everyone had a purpose of being at the institution that you were currently residing in now. 

Everyone you have met and knew here at this moment in time had a purpose or a goal of being a jujutsu sorcerer.

What about you?

Fushiguro thought the world was unfair and the reasoning behind his reasoning of becoming a sorcerer was to be a tool within a system that ensured kind people were given more chances in living. However, unlike you, you weren’t really fond of his reasoning at all. 

What happens if those ‘good’ people you saved become the criminal you refused to save? What happens if those ‘good’ people you deemed ‘good’ become the most immoral and sinful person you ever encountered? What happens if those ‘good’ people you save that smiled at your actions for them lead that smile to fade?

Like you mentioned, you weren’t fond of his reasoning at all. There were too many risks.

Kugisaki's reasoning was humorous as she wanted to move out of the countryside without any worries of financial issues but you knew somewhere in your heart that there was another reason she wasn’t telling you when you asked her during your usual weekend shopping trip with her. On the other hand, you admired her in some way, she was the personification of not needing to choose between strength and beauty.

However, that wasn’t the answer you weren’t looking for at all.

Zenin (Maki) wanted to escape the ties of the Zenin clan due to her situation of not being able to possess any kind of cursed energy compared to the averaged sorcerer, yet with the heavenly restriction that was traded with the lack of cursed energy, she processed superhuman physical prowess that was more powerful than most sorcerers you come to know. 

Her reasoning? To become the head of the Zenin clan to irritate the other members.

When she mentioned her ambition to you, you were quite sceptical in the beginning but that slowly diminished once you saw the cheeky grin on her face, you soon came to realise that she wasn’t like any of them from whom you could recall due to your mother’s knowledge of them when she was still alive. Zenin was extremely strong-headed and straightforward which led to her motivation causing your respect for her to slowly rise up as each day went by.

On the other hand, you had escaped the ties of the clans, you had that advantage ahead of her since the day you came into this world, yet that changed the second you came into school that night. That wasn’t the answer you were trying to discover.

Then there was Gojo Satoru. A man that is known to be the strongest in this generation as he processed both the Limitless technique as well as the Six Eyes after 400 years assumingly and was the lone standing member of the Gojo clan unless your adoption made a change to that to which you knew it wasn’t likely at all.

To be honest, Gojo never told you his reasoning on becoming a sorcerer and it must be said that he didn’t really have a choice, to begin with. He was immediately placed into this world as the fate of the jujutsu world was resting on his shoulders while your clan was the maintenance of that order and if anything happened to the man himself, you were the next sorcerer to restore the stability of the world.

‘Ugh, what a drag…’

Although, without his words, you could predict what he wanted. Gojo seemed like he wanted a revolution. A change and actively collecting sorcerers that had the same mindset as him was one way of beginning it. You couldn’t deny that Gojo was a smart man but one with a hint of narcissist meaning to it. 

Slowly, you come to realise that you were a tool within his plan.

Something you slowly wanted to take advantage of for the time being.

However, as much as his plan was one you were tensely going to follow, that still wasn’t the answer you desired at all.

“Because I’m not supposed to exist Fushiguro, you’re a Zenin by blood, you should know that my clan shouldn’t exist after the golden age, we disappeared,” 

“That’s right...I wasn’t supposed to exist…”

Slowly you finally placed your arm back down to your side before closing your eyes allowing the darkness to consume your sight but you didn’t allow it to consume the whole of you since you weren’t willing to fall asleep outside in the world where you felt most vulnerable.

It was quiet.

From what you could sense around you at this current moment in time, there was no one around you right now, no sound of footsteps that were out of place and no lingering sense of cursed energy around you.

You felt free.

Completely free.

Even if it was for a couple of seconds.

“You know, instead of being a drag, maybe inform that you are here,” you stated, as you opened your eyes slowly to discover a well-known face staring down at you as their body towered over yours. 

“You can sense me that quick?” Gojo asked, with a cheeky smile painted on his face as he tilted his glasses down to reveal his crystal indicolite eyes that somehow looked as if they were brighter than the moon that was above the both of you right now.

“You have an immense amount of cursed energy, it’s quite easy to sense you to be honest...too easy,” you mentioned, before turning on to your side as if to avoid eye contact with him due to the feeling of him studying you like you were s subject - it was creepy.

“If you are going to study me about my ability, just go to the library in the school to read about my clan, I’m sure that is enough,” you informed your teacher, causing him to giggle at your comment before inviting himself to sit next to you.

“Nah, I got the real thing of the lingering L/N clan here and I don’t like reading~” Gojo amusingly stated, before placing a hand on the top of your head before gently ruffling your hair. “Besides, you and I both know that something is going on right now,” Gojo seriously mentioned, causing you to become slightly tense as you began to recall the unexpected attack against him that he was hinting to you.

“Do you know any curse users that are willing to work with the two curses that you encountered?” you asked Gojo in the same serious tone he gave you only for silence to fill the atmosphere leading you to turn your head slightly to see what was wrong with your adoptive father, only to notice him staring off into the distance with a nonchalant look on his face only for it to change instant with the usual playful smile he always showcased to you.

“By the way, I told Shoko to expect you tomorrow to practice your reverse cursed energy technique,” the playful teacher stated before removing his hand from your head as he stood up on his feet. “It might be difficult for you to understand since she’s not the best at explaining, but I know you’ll get it! Get back inside and get back to sleep~” he said with a teasing tone, before making his way back into the Jujutsu Tech building, leaving you alone again with your own thoughts as you stared at the direction that he had headed off to.

“What a drag…”

                                               ꕥ

“Shoko-san?” you called out, once the metal door slid open only to discover her standing between two metal tables with what seemed to be curse corpses resting there with blood splattered messily on their resting surface.

“Oh Y/N! Satoru said you were going to come by,” Ieiri mentioned with a small smile, as she turned to look at you while tying her hair back leading you to notice the very visible purple under eye bags she had.

Ieiri Shoko was the doctor within the Jujutsu Tech institution and was one of the only people that was able to use reverse cursed technique like you but more at an advanced level leading you to mentally thank Gojo for allowing you to learn from her since you had been struggling to use it to the level that she was. Even your mother was struggling to help improve your technique since the only time you were able to use it to your full potential was when you were in critical danger.

“What’s going on?” you curiously asked as you observed the gruesome sight in front of you while trying to ignore the horrible smell that was coming from the corpses as you gently placed your hand over your nose to block the scent.

“There was been an incident in Kinema Cinema and I have been asked to check out these since one of the sorcerers that were assigned to the mission stated there was something odd about them,” Ieiri explained before handing you a black elastic band leading to a confused look to invade your face.

“And I want you to help since Saturo said you have a really good sense of seeing residue of cursed energy, as well as sense, cursed energy itself,” Ieiri informed you leading you to take the hairband from her grasp as well as the other surgical mask that was needed in case you both needed to dissect something.

“Are you sure I’m allowed to do this? I don’t have a license,” you questioned, as you placed the mask over your mouth causing Ieiri to look at you before saying to not worry since she was here - which caused you to look at her with a sceptical expression before going on to the task at hand as you stood next to her to peer over one of the deceased curses that were laying on the metal bench.

While observing the gruesome sight, you began to steadily see a trail of the lingering residue of cursed energy from the whole body, yet for some reason, there was a connection to the brain as you continued to stare that the sight much to your dismay.

“Human?” you stated in a perplexed tone while continuing to look at the head as the most amount of residue was there for the most part. “There’s a connection to the brain, so I assume the brain stems have been tampered with to alter the formation of the body, but the person wouldn’t know any of that due to probably their now impaired consciousness...it’s as if the human has been transfigured in a way like the other one behind us,” you informed Ieiri, who seemed to agree with you as she lightly nodded her head.

“Though the relationship between the brain and the cursed energy is still a black box right now, they died because of the modification and not because of the sorcerer,” the doctor added, causing you to give a side glance in her direction as you continued to listen to her explanation.

“Do you think it’s to do with the soul?” you asked, as you fully turned to look at her while she looked at you in confusion.

“Right now, we’re looking at it in a biological sense but if we are talking about a cursed spirit like Sukuna for example that is doing this, it has to do with the soul rather than the body itself,” you informed the doctor, causing her to look at you with widened eyes as she didn’t expect her old schoolmate’s daughter to have such a high capability to come to different ideas since it was Gojo that was your parent after all.

“Kento will have to ask the culprit about their cursed technique to see if your theory is correct,” Ieiri mentioned, leading you to look at her confused once again as you threw your surgical mask in the bin, only for her to swiftly inform you that a grade one sorcerer by the name of Nanami Kento was the one to inform her about the situation.

“I have to make a quick call to him to explain the discovery we made. Can you step outside and wait for me before I call you back so we can proceed to your lesson?” the doctor asked you with a smile leading you to nod at her before making your way towards the metal door that had come through before as you took one more peek at the Jujutsu Tech’s doctor’s direction with a perplexed and doubtful sense.

‘What’s the reason for me to be out of the room if I got involved with the investigation? What are you hiding from me?’

However, you didn’t want to make a whole fuss about your suspicion since you really didn’t have the effort to voice out your concern leading you to leave the room with more questions plaguing your mind as the ringing tone carried itself in the air.

“This is such a drag”

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

[staticscreenwriting]

Where the heart is // B. B.

Summary: Bucky and (Y/N) are getting a divorce because they are silly and both love the other so damn much. (Happy Ending!)

TW: Talk of divorce. Talk of potential pregnancy and babies.

A/N: Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.] 

TAGLIST: Find the link to join my taglist in my bio. Will reblog this post with the taglist attached seperately. 

Waking up from this nightmare How's your life, what's it like there? Is it all what you want it to be? Does it hurt when you think about me? And how broken my heart is

The apartment is deadly quiet as Bucky steps inside, only the rattling of his keys echoing through the halls that once seemed so warm and inviting are now but a cold reminder of what used to be.

People never really talk about these moments. The after. The wreckage. The ruins of what used to be. Sure there are movies and books and countless songs but they take the feeling and they wrap it up in beautiful words and prose and make something beautiful of it.

There’s nothing beautiful in the way Bucky feels as his feet drag him towards what used to be his bedroom, which is now hers. There’s nothing beautiful in the way he feels as his eyes wander over to the closed door behind which lays an empty room. One that is empty not because of choice but because of the shitty cards life has dealt both him and her.

There is nothing beautiful about the way he feels. Only sadness. Only hurt.

When he turns the corner and steps into the bedroom, his heart drops for a second. He hadn’t expected her to be here, not with how quiet the place is. But sure enough, there she is. Sitting on the fluffy comforter they bought together, legs tucked underneath herself. She said that comforter was the exact same shade of blue as his eyes. Now she doesn’t even lift her head to look at him, focusing only on the box resting on the bed before her.

“Hey uh — I didn’t expect to run into you.”  

“ I live here. Sorry to disappoint.“

“ I know, that’s not what I meant. It’s just so quiet. “

She shrugs but still doesn’t look up. There’s so much resentment there, dripping from every word. He can’t fault her for it. Not even a little. If he was her, he’d hate himself too. Maybe this will make it easier for them. If she hates him, that’s a straight cut. Right? Hating is easy. It’s loving that’s hard.

“ It’s like that now. You here to get some of your stuff?” she asks, looking up at him for the first time. Her eyes are red and tired. Not like they were when he left, filled with tears and sorrow. Now they’re just infinitely sad and exhausted. Like all the life and all the warmth and all the passion that he fell so deeply in love with, has been sucked out of her. He hates knowing it’s partially his fault.

“ If that’s okay with you.”

“ sure. “

The movies and the poems and the books and the songs, they never talk about this. The after. The limbo. The “will you keep this or shall I take it?”

They don’t talk about the fact that you’re supposed to pack 5 years of relationship into a bunch of boxes and figure out what to do with it.

He quietly walks into the closet, as if making any noise would break whatever bubble is currently surrounding the two of them. Sometimes he wonders if things would be different had they been different people. Had they been able to express their feelings differently. Sometimes, in the most secret part of his heart, Bucky wishes there would’ve been screaming. Maybe screaming would’ve been helpful. Sure, it’s not the most eloquent way of communication but at least it is communication. But there was no screaming. Only silence. Only feelings swallowed up to never be spoken about. To suffocate them from the inside out.

Making as little noise as possible, Bucky grabs some of his clothes and stuffs them into the duffle bag Sam gave him. He had that look on his face, the pitiful one. The one that says “sorry, man”. There’s no reason to feel sorry for Bucky. This is his fault after all.

There’s a sound coming from behind him, and for a second he really believes it’s his mind playing tricks on him. But then he hears it again, louder this time, more clearly.

She’s laughing. Maybe not a full-on laugh but a chuckle. It’s been a while since he’s heard that sound.

“ What’s got you laughing like that ? “ Bucky asks as he turns back around only to be greeted by her smiling face. God how much he misses that smile.

She looks back down towards the box in front of her and the picture in her hand.

“ It’s uh — it’s a picture of the first time you stayed over. “

His legs carry him towards the bed as if they work on autopilot. As he sits down next to he can just about make out the scent of her shampoo. The one he bought for himself last week, not because he necessarily likes to use it. He bought it because he misses the scent. Because he misses her. And if he can keep her close like this, even for a small moment, he’ll buy an entire store's worth of shampoo.

Her fingers gently grip the picture so as to not rip or crumble it. He can’t hold back the smile that pulls at the corner of his lips as he recognizes the picture. It’s a slightly less gloomy version of him, in love and asleep. Curled up on her old tiny couch in her old tiny apartment with her dog Yoda sleeping soundly on his chest. He was so nervous to stay over at her place the first time he did. Nervous about so many different things but mostly about doing something to hurt her. Physically but also emotionally. To think that now his biggest fear came true, crushes his heart even further.

“ I miss Yoda. He was a good dog,” she says as she puts the photo back into the box. Truth be told, Bucky misses him too. He was grumpy and lazy and he didn’t ever really listen to them. But he was loyal and cuddly and all in all, he was the perfect dog for the two of them. And he had accepted Bucky into his and her life immediately. As if he knew that Bucky of all people needed nothing more than a chance to prove himself to be something other than a killer.

There are more pictures in the box, alongside other clutter that Bucky can’t quite make out. One of the other pictures he can see clearly, is one of the two of them on their first Halloween. The Halloween that Bucky didn’t want to dress up for. The one he promised himself he would spend curled up on his couch watching a scary movie and not open the door to anyone, Trick or Treaters or otherwise.

He ended up going out anyway. With her. FOR her. And it was one of the best nights of his life even if it meant he had to dress up like a skeleton.

“ What is all this? “ he asks though, by the way his heart starts beating faster, Bucky isn’t sure he even wants to know the answer to that question. “ You getting rid of our pictures? “

He doesn’t want it to sound so accusatory. They’re broken up. Separated. In the early process of a divorce. She has every right to get rid of their pictures. Get rid of him. Bury the memories. Just because he can’t let go doesn’t mean that she’s grieving in the same way.

“ No, “ she scoffs and pulls out a small scrap of paper, “ this is a memory box I started when we first got together. It’s things I didn’t know where to put but that I wanted to hold on to. I had planned to give it to you for our 10 year anniversary but … well “

She doesn’t have to say it. He knows.

“ Then after the — seperation I put some other stuff in there. Memories.” 

“ Can I see what else is in there? “ he asks “ since I won’t get to see it on our 10 year anniversary.”

Bucks isn’t quite sure why he adds that to the end of his sentence. It makes him sound spiteful and mean and he can tell, by the look on her face, that it hurts her. And he’s done enough of that in the past. Isn’t that exactly the reason they are here in the first place?

She considers it for a moment and Buck can only guess the different kinds of emotions running through her then. He feels them too. All of them. They are confusing and most of them are negative. She has no reason to let him see this, relish in sweet nostalgia with him as if everything is okay and they’re not getting a fucking divorce.

“ Sure, I guess. I —  yeah.”

She scoots more to the middle of the bed, making more space for Bucky to sit down properly. He’s perched on the side that was his. The side he fell asleep on and woke up on so many times. And she was there next to him. Always there and warm and soft. And she’d smile at him through sleepy eyes and a hazy mind and she’d rival the sun. And then she’d gently comb her fingers through his hair and say good morning and he knew it would be — a good morning.

He hasn’t had a good morning since he left.

She moves the box to sit between them on the bed and motions for Bucky to start digging in.

There’s a pile of what he realizes are old movie tickets. It's something they used to do when they first started dating. Thursdays were movie days. But while everyone went to see the new blockbusters, the two of them would pick the movies that sounded the weirdest and they’d buy a big bucket of popcorn and blue raspberry slushies and just relish in the grandeur that is bad cinema. Most of the time they were the only ones at the cinema. Sometimes things got — R rated.

“ Why did we stop doing this? “ she asks as Bucky looks up from the tickets “ going to the movies I mean. It was always my favorite day of the week. “

He tries to remember. Tries to pinpoint the moment when life changed and their Thursdays weren’t their Thursdays anymore. He can’t. He comes up empty.

Sometimes life changes in little ways, ones you don’t realize at that moment and they don’t seem significant either. It’s a broken tradition. A missed movie night. It’s slow and creeping but at some point, you stop and look at your life now and it doesn’t resemble your life then anymore. Everything has changed and you didn’t even notice. Not for one single second.

“ I have —  I have no idea. “ he has to confess.

“ Remember that movie with the killer florist ? “ she asks and her voice is laced with laughter. Something sparks up in his heart. A tiny flicker of something he’s missed. Something he hasn’t felt in a while. He can’t help but laugh along.

“ I do! Or the one where the woman fell in love with the Koi in her neighbor's pond? ”

“ Oh god! That was terrible. “

“ It was.”

She looks wistful for a moment as if her thoughts wander off to some long-forgotten memory.

“ What are you thinking about? “

He never usually had to ask her. He’d either know or she’d tell him on her own accord. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between them. One he wants to break down or climb over so badly. But does she want him there? After everything?

“ The day we saw that movie was the first time you said I love you. “

It’s true. Now that she mentions it he remembers it so clearly. It’s like he’s suddenly faced with a scene from a movie he’s forgotten about a long time ago but once someone mentions it, he remembers it in great detail. Knows every word. Every line.

“ I still don’t quite know what it was about that moment that made you say it but — “ she trails off, a smile playing on her lips.

Bucky knows. It wasn’t a groundbreaking realization back then. He’d been feeling it for months. Fell deeper in love with her with every glance, every smile, every silly movie he got to watch with her. They went to some dingy diner after the movie to grab a burger and some fries. The leather seats were old and the filling was spilling out, the air smelled of grease and air freshener, and the laminated menu cards were sticky with undefinable stains. All things considered, it should’ve been a bad date. It wasn’t though. Nothing was ever bad with her. She smiled. All she did was smile and hum along to some song Bucky didn’t know as it spilled from the jukebox. And it occurred to him then, that there was no need for a big gesture or a special moment. Every moment with her was special. Life couldn’t get any better than this. Existing was enough if only she was there.

“ Nothing. “

“ Hm? “

“ There was nothing special about that moment. I just realized that I would be okay with anything if only you are there. You — that’s all I need in life. “

She looks at him then and for a second he thinks that maybe she’ll kiss him. Tell him that they are making a mistake and ask him to come back. Tell him that she doesn’t blame him. That she forgives him. That she wants him anyway. Despite — everything. She doesn’t though. Just sighs and pulls another picture from the box.

It’s a picture of the two of them cuddled up on the couch with a tiny white ball of fluff resting on her chest.

“ Our first picture with Alpine. “

“ That was taken on the day we found him. Look, you can clearly see the scratches on my face from crawling around the dumpsters to rescue him. “ Bucky points out.

He had never thought of himself as a cat person. Really he wasn’t so much an anything-person anymore, after Hydra. But somehow that little cat had wormed his way into his heart and refused to leave.

“ Was worth it though! “

Bucky nods his head in agreement “ it was. “

“ You should — you should take him. He’s really more your cat than mine.”

“ He’s our cat.” he points out.

“ Bucky there won’t be an ours anymore. Soon.”

It breaks his heart. Over and over again. He just got used to being himself. The version he was when he was with her. How is he gonna deal with doing it all over again? He doesn’t want to be a version of himself after her.

“ I don’t have a place yet and Sam’s allergic. “

“ He can stay here until then, of course. I love him. “

There’s a lot of love there that’s being given up on, Bucky realizes. And he hates every part of it.

“ Shit, remember this? “ she chimes up again as her hand holds onto a thin receipt, the black ink bleached away and thinned out from years of being stuck in a box. From years of memories fading.

“ Is that from the —”

“ The tattoo place, yeah. “

The patch of skin on the inside of his arm grows hot as if he is suddenly aware of what is there. Something long forgotten. A small letter forever etched into his skin in black ink like the way she’s forever etched into his heart. Always there. Forever. Just like the delicate lines that write his own name onto her collar bone. James. Not Bucky. Not Winter Soldier. James.

“ Oh god, I can’t believe you kept these,” Buck exclaims as he picks a pair of bright blue knitted socks from the box. They’re made from scratchy wool and there are a million and one holes in them. It’s so her. So quintessentially her. To keep them. With their holes and their scratchy wool and all. Even if they’re a mess. Even if they’re broken. She holds onto things no matter how bad. No matter how lost and sad and broken and useless. She holds on tight and doesn’t let go. Unless you make her. Unless you force her to. Unless you break her heart.

“ Umm … you made them for me. Like you literally learned how to knit to make me a pair of socks to keep my feet warm. That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, Buck. Of course, I kept them. “

Bucky bashfully shrugs his shoulders, a tint of red dusting his cheeks. “ I’m glad you liked them. Even if they’re scratchy. “

“ I like you and Alpine and you guys are the scratchiest,” she points out. She’s not wrong.

“ Was I a good boyfriend? “ Bucky asks and while in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter, he wants to know anyway. Wants to know he did something right.

“ You were the best boyfriend. “

“ I’m sorry I was a shit husband. “

She stays quiet for a moment and with every second that passes by he breaks more and more. He wonders how much of him is left at this point. How much there’s still to lose. Then again, what does it matter? He lost her and that’s all that really matters.

“ You weren’t a shit husband, Bucky. “

It’s like the world suddenly moves in slow motion as they both grab the 2 things left in the box.

Bucky holds onto the blue velvet box knowing exactly what’s inside. The last time he held it, got on his knees in front of her, put the ring on her finger, that was one of the best days of his life. A sign that the Winter Soldier was his past and that he could finally truly move on. They were younger, in love. Happy. Now he hardly remembers what happiness feels like.

“ I was so nervous to give this to you. Not because I thought you’d say no or anything. I just — I just wanted to be enough. The ring and the proposal and — me. “

“ You were always enough. “ she says and he can hear the tears in her voice. It’s thick and heavy and he knows that if he looks at her now, there will be tears in her eyes too.

But he doesn’t look at her then. His eyes fall onto the piece of fabric in her hands. It’s so small. Soft peached colored with a little bunny embroidered on the front. It’s tiny and cute and it belongs to no one. It’s tiny and it should’ve been theirs. But it isn’t.

“ No, I wasn’t. He says and shakes his head. You deserve more than I can give you. “

She throws the baby romper back into the box and gets off the bed as if someone has set it on fire.

“ What’s wrong? “ he asks as if he doesn’t know. Everything. Everything about this situation is wrong. They’re supposed to make love on this bed, not cry over memories long gone. Push away thoughts of their looming divorce.

“ I don’t know, Bucky. Maybe you can tell me. “ She calls out to him as she pulls the rest of his shirts from the closet and throws them into the bedroom. Colors of fabric flying through the air like wings of a bird flapping through the winds. Some of them she lops at him, passion and anger and wrath and sadness filling her eyes. “ Maybe you can tell me why the fuck we’re doing this. Why we’re putting ourselves through all this pain and suffering and this bullshit divorce. Maybe you can tell me why you left me to have a fucking breakdown every time I walk into my closet and see this goddamn dress, “ she cries while holding up the hanger over which her beautiful white wedding dress is draped. God, she looked so beautiful that day. Like a goddess. Like an angel. Like his redemption.

“ We were happy. We were trying to have a family. And then what — it doesn’t work and you leave? You just gave up. “

“ I didn’t give up. “

“ Yes, you fucking did! You gave up and you served me divorce papers and you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. “

“ You agreed! “

“ Because I love you and if you don’t want to be with me, then I am not keeping you. I love you enough to let you be happy even if it’s without me.”

Those words send a shock through his heart. Like an icicle. Cold and sharp and unforgiving.

“ You think I don’t love you? You think YOU are the reason?,” Bucky questions before grabbing the romper from the box and holding it up “ this is the reason. This is my fault and mine alone. It’s my fault that this belongs to no one. It’s my fault that there’s an empty room in this apartment that you can’t walk into because it hurts you too much to see it empty. You deserve to be a mother and clearly, I can’t give that to you. That’s the burden I carry but it’s not one that should be put on you. I can’t give you this but you deserve it and you should have it. So this is me letting you go so you can find someone that can give you a baby. Someone who isn’t broken. Someone who doesn't have a body that doesn’t work anymore. Not in the way it should. “

“ James, “ her words a but a whisper as his name tumbles from her lips and she lets her wedding dress fall to the floor to sit next to him and hold his face in between her hands. “ That wasn’t your fault and you are not broken. I want a family, yes. I want a child. But with you. I want a family with you and it doesn’t matter if it’s my blood or not. It’s our family whichever way we decide to do this. And if we — if we stay just us and Alpine that’s fine too. I just want you and whatever else we decide on. Together. I love you, James. I love you and I miss you and I don’t want a baby if it’s not with you. A family means nothing if it doesn’t include you. Whatever the consequences of the serum are, they are not your fault. You are not broken, James. You are you. You’re a hero. A husband. And maybe one day a father but above all, you are James Buchanan Barnes, a survivor and you are not broken.  “

He knows he should be saying so many things right then but all his thoughts get tangled up and won't find the way to his lips.

Instead, he says the only other thing he can think about right then.

“ You looked so beautiful in your wedding dress. “

She laughs through the flood of tears that leak from her eyes and trail down her face.

“ I mean you always look beautiful but that day. My god. I honestly couldn’t believe you said yes to me — of all people. 106 year old me. Wouldn’t believe it until the moment you walked down the aisle. Then I knew that this was really the start of my new life. Of my forever. “

“ I miss you Bucky. “

“ I miss you too. “

“ I don’t want to divorce you. I want to be your wife and I want you to be my husband.”

“ Even without the babies? “

“ Yes, “ she nods and brushes her fingers through his short hair. “ You are my family James and you are enough for me. Always”

“ I love you. “ he says because really, it’s the only thing he can think of. The thing he wants most. The only thing that matters.

Without another word, he pulls the ring from the box and delicately slips it back onto her finger. Where it belongs. Where it always belonged.

“ I’m sorry I was ever this stupid. I should’ve just talked to you “

“ Yeah you should have but right now can you — can you just kiss me? “

She doesn’t need to ask him twice. He kisses her once, then twice, then once again. It’s been a long long time since the last time he’s kissed her. Too long. Way too long.

He’s not gonna stop anytime soon. Never again. Never ever again.

“ Hey, “ he says “ how about you slip into your wedding dress I think for all my stupid decisions I owe you a dance. “

“ I think you might be right. “

And she’s smiling, so bright and radiant. Like the sun. Like all the stars. Like his own personal light in the darkness.

“ Don’t expect too much though. I just cried, my hair is a mess — I won’t look the way you remember me looking in this dress. “

“ You’ll look gorgeous.”

And he’s right. She looks breathtaking. She looks like a wonderful, wonderful dream. Like love captured in a person. Like a second chance. Like his home.

There are a lot of thoughts racing through Bucky’s mind as he pulls her close and they sway to the melodic tunes of their wedding song as it sounds from the speakers of her cellphone. But above all there’s love. And the knowledge that he is enough. That they are enough. Their tiny little family. Perfect and not broken or missing anything. It’s good as it is.

They don’t have to think about who gets to keep the decorative throw pillows, the records they used to collect together, the plates that were a wedding gift, the cat. Because it’s theirs. Together. Shared.

And forever.