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foldingfittedsheets · 10 months ago

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I have never had a post-coital headache, but I saw the ask and it made me think...

Orgasming using a vibe hurts my clitoris. It doesn't even touch my clit because it uses airwaves or something to vibrate the air around the clit, not sure. And I don't enjoy vibrators that touch the clit because it just doesn't feel like anything pleasurable? I can't explain it but it doesn't feel good or bad just kinda numbs me.

I'll be getting bottom surgery to nullify my crotch someday, so I guess it doesn't matter much, since I can limp along till then. I'll be tucking the clitoris and the nerve bundle under some skin and tissue and hopefully the padding will help offset the pain (and I could finally use those cute giant wand vibrators with the big buzzy ball), but I'm just asking in case you have ever heard of this and are willing to respond on your blog.

For the record, I don't enjoy using my hands on my clit, doesn't feel good and dysphoric and bothers my asexuality (I don't like touching genitals at all and the wetness feels icky). I grew up using the pressure and squeeze method. Basically ball up a blanket, press it to my pubis, and then do a very prolonged, overpowered kegel and there you go (kinda tiring tho). I didn't even know I had a clit growing up, always assumed it was the urethra because it hurt to touch (turns out it's supposed to be wet, thanks homeschooling for the lack of sex ed).

So I use the vibrator but I hate the vibrator. The moments before the orgasm is just so painful. And I have to immediately turn it off because the continued vibration causes even more pain and makes my muscles clench up in response which makes it very difficult to pull the toy away from my body. When using it with my partner I have to "tap out" and she'll pull it away for me.

I low-key believe the multiple orgasms for clit+pussy based anatomy is a myth because how could it possibly feel good to touch there once the orgasm has happened? Sometimes I can't close my legs completely for minutes. That shit is so sensitive and like swollen? Throbbing? Why?!?

I theoretically like orgasms. I like the quiet feeling after them. But getting there sucks, masturbating is unpleasant (apparently normal people enjoy the whole process, I'm just there for the afterglow), esp when it's a maintenance orgasm and I'm not horny or physically aroused (sometimes I just think that I need to orgasm without really wanting to if that makes sense, weird ace shit).

This ask is longer than I hoped it would be, but there's lots of important context and I honestly don't know why my body is like this, Google is useless (esp nowadays).

Okay there’s a ton to touch on here, but first: vibes are not one size fits all. Everyone’s body’s are different and motors come in different powers and pulses. The “cute” massage wand types are actually some of my least favorite because they just go cataclysmic in power which is way too much for 90% of clits. They just have good marketing.

If possible, you can look for a gentler vibe. Jimmy Jane Form 2 has a pulse setting that’s reallyyyyy light, and puts vibrations on either side of the clit instead of directly on it. But there’s a lot of shapes and sizes that could be gentler than what you’re using now.

If you’re unsure check out a store and try the vibe on the tip of your nose. This is pretty close to how sensitive your clit is and can give you a frame of reference for how much power you actually want. Generally lower rumbles are more expensive but also more pleasant so that’s a cost/benefit you can run.

The other aspect of this is that clitoral tissue is actually massive. There’s a lot of stuff going on under the hood, so to speak.

Clitoral nerves get everywhere! That’s the whole thing with G-spots- you’re still hypothetically applying pressure to nerve endings associated with the clit. I’ve heard anecdotally that they can end up in the anus too but I couldn’t find a source to verify that.

The takeaway from how sprawling all those nerves are is that there’s probably places you might like sensation better that directly on the clit. Most clit havers in my experience found that pretty overwhelming, myself included.

If your main business with your junk has been businesslike and unpleasant to touch it makes sense not messing with it much. If your partner is a person you trust to explore with you can just have them feel around and caress and see if other areas feel stimulating without being as overwhelming.

As for getting so throbby and uncomfortable afterward, and multiple orgasms: In my experience and anecdotally this depends how you get there. When you come fast and hard your body reacts differently than when you edge into an orgasm. You can try changing up your routine to see if this makes a difference for you.

Some people can never do multiple orgasms, it’s rare for me but does happen on occasion, so it’s worth noting that smut has a lot to answer for in terms of how normal they make that. If you can’t get off more than once it is what it is. It’s not a myth but it’s not everyone’s reality.

I hope this was helpful, good luck and as you say, eventually after surgery this will get easier for you!

#ask ffs #sex talk #I could’ve sworn I posted this yesterday my bad

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raasturi · 7 months ago

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You know what, the Fairly OddParents fandom has been quite tame. Let's spice things up a little bit.

Doesn't anybody else get that silly feeling when you see fanart of Peri being like a father to Dev, like... where's the rest of you 😍? Don't be shy, show us where Dale is. Or are you too scared? (I wouldn't blame you, I was too at first)

Small warning: this post includes slight swearing and many brain-numbing headcanons. I'm not responsible for any mental anguish you may experience

I would like to quickly apologize to the 6 people shipping Peri with Dale. I thought I was the only one but it seems like I've finally found my people. Anyways, back to the topic.

Now that you're here, I may as well show some more art of these two goobers +some silly headcanons. These are my AUed* versions of the two in my odd semi-realistic style that I completely ditch whenever I don't have the patience to draw faces (I often suck at drawing them. No wonder all my OCs are furries)

Note: him being slightly chubby and him having mobility issues are both headcanons I have shamelessly borrowed from others in the fandom. Also am I the only one who thinks Peri WOULDN'T be 6 ft tall? In the series he's like 5 apples tall, so wouldn't it make sense for him to be a bit short?

Note: there's like a bunch of lore explaining the reason why Dale looks so fucked up in my version. I scarred him for life, oopsie! But at least he has Peri now who "forces" him to go to therapy 😍. I may need to make a seperate post where I only talk about him and his past if I have the motivation.

I know a lot of you don't even know the pain of trying to convert a stylized character into a realistic style and still making them look good and kinda recognizable. I envy you who have less realistic art styles.

*And yes, I did say AU. More specifically I'm talking about the "Missionaries of Eden AU" (by me). I'm not gonna go into detail now, but basically it's a semi-biblical and more serious take on FOP, where the fairies are angels, anti-fairies are demons and pixies... I think they can stay as pixies, or maybe they're ghosts, bees? (There's a lot of things I still need to figure out) Their tasks are to work as missionaries on the planets of Eden (planets where life exists). There's a bunch of other lore (some of which I've explained on my casual/personal account on Instagram), but it's best I leave it for another time.

Btw: if you've seen me talk about a "Below the Stars AU", "Bible AU", "Ager DLC" or something else, it's all just the same thing. I just had a hard time coming up with a good name for it lol.

Also speaking of which, I have another post coming up (hopefully) where I explain my reasons for shipping Peri and Dale. It can honestly, out of context, seem like a toxic yaoi crack ship, but believe it or not but I managed to make it the opposite; plausible AND healthy. I want to enlighten you all plus I really want to yap about them.

It feels super funny to ship such a underrated ship. I'm used to shipping semi-popular ships, so to now be all alone feels kinda fun! They have so much potential and so few are seeing the vision?? Though to be fair I'm also glad it's not that famous lmao.

Ps. Ignore the fact I haven't posted anything here for at least half-a-year. All my mutuals are on Instagram, so I don't have a need to post here, though now I've decided to dedicate this account to hyperfixation slop so maybe you'll be hearing from me much sooner.

Ps. Ps. I currently have a 22-page-long google doc filled with lore and info about almost everything I've thought of for the AU, but it's 80% in Finnish so sharing it is useless.

Man, I love writing unnecessary long posts knowing I'm the only one reading them❤️😍 though if you HAVE gotten this far, here's a little treat:

My body refuses to draw Dale in his original outfit. I like to pretend Peri helped him change a bit (most notably taking off his goddamn shoes, though they do have some lore that I've created. GGHHRRAAA EVERYTHING HAS LORE ATTACHED TO IT GRRRR). Also Dev isn't actually grumpy, he just likes to act tough.

My art style looks probably so inconsistent❤️

#peri x dale #fop peri #fop dale #the fairly oddparents: missionaries of eden au #the fairy oddparents a new wish #the fairly oddparents #fairly oddparents #art #peridale

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ronancecats · 3 months ago

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ok you got me super curious. why don't you like steve?

This is gonna be a long one, so unbuckle your seatbelts, slam on the brakes, and do a front flip out of the windshield.

I'm going to break it down by season because that will help me get all my points down, and I don't want to leave anything out. Also, a little disclaimer: I do like Steve's writing, and I appreciate the way he's developed and the role he plays, but with that being said, I still don't like him as a character.

I'm going to try and explain each reason the best I can, but I low-key suck at that so I'm sorry if anything seems confusing.

SEASON 1:

season 1 is the season that is most self-explanatory of why I don't like him, I don't think anyone genuinely likes him in season 1.

-He literally slut shamed Nancy. Like...I don't care if he was only a teenager/had bad friends. He would've been 17 and old ENOUGH to understand the consequences of that and that it would hurt Nancy...that's why he did it in the first place.

-he was awful to Jonathan, and I'm not necessarily talking about the breaking camera thing, I'm talking about what he said to him before the fight. He called him queer (a slur back in the 80's), insulted his family, and insinuated that he had something to do with his little brother's disappearance.

-He pressured Nancy into sex. NO, HE DID NOT SA HER. It was consensual, but with that being said, something can still be consensual and enjoyed while having pressure on top of that. Also, he didn't stop Carol when she was mocking Nancy and making her uncomfortable; he was smug about it. But yes, I understand he was just a teenager then.

-He just, in general, didn't respect her boundaries at all and made Barb's disappearance about himself AT FIRST.

SEASON 2:

-He left Nancy, black out drunk, at a party. Yes, he was heartbroken, but he left her there and she was really lucky that Jonathan was there.

There's not much else in season 2 honestly. Mostly my feelings about him in s2 come from the first couple episodes when all he wanted was to make Nancy forget about her guilt and leaving her at the party. But yeah, I don't care about him in s2.

SEASON 3:

There's nothing necessarily bad about him in s3. I just hate how they made him this big character but then pushed Jonathan to the side, but that has nothing to do with his character. That's just a personal pet peeve I have with the duffers.

S3 was definitely his best season and the only one I can say I liked him in. They let him focus on his platonic relationships instead of making him chase after Nancy the whole time, and I like that. If they kept him like this for s4, I probably wouldn't dislike him as much as I do, but they just had to make him go back to that and it ruined him for me. Hopefully in s5 they'll let him be like his s3 self again.

SEASON 4:

-the six nugget speech. OH MY GOD BROTHER EUGH. I could make a whole essay about this, but long story short, it was completely unhinged and just shows he only wants Nancy for his dream, and he doesn't really care about her dreams in a romantic sense. He's in love with the idea of her, not her.

In conclusion, I only like Steve when they don't make his entire character revolve around Stancy and that dead relationship. Let Stancy die, I BEG OF YOU. It's better for Steve, Nancy, Jonathan, and literally everyone who watched the damn show without rose-colored glasses for Steve.

If they just let the love triangle die in s2, I can almost guarantee that I would like Steve more. But alas, they didn't and kept it around as if we don't already know how it's going to end.

Anyway, I probably went into way more detail than you wanted me to, but oh well. I wanted to be honest.

#stranger things #I'm not gonna tag him #for obvious reasons #im not gonna tag anti him either cause apparently that still shows up #jancy #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers #joe keery #asks

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crazyk-imagine · 2 years ago

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The Doctor’s Friend

Pairing: James T. Kirk x Fem!reader, Leonard “Bones” McCoy x Fem!reader (platonic)

Characters: James T. Kirk, Leonard “Bones” McCoy, Fem!reader, Daisy and Sandy (Reader's old roommates) Warnings: This has been in my drafts for a bit, it makes no sense and doesn’t at the same time, Kirk is dumb but nice, he tries honestly, Bones’ wants his bestie to work with him, we bring up Kirk’s whore past, Kirk could have been a lot worse, this is so bad it’s good Word Count: 834

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You roll your eyes, knowing why he (the he being your oldest friend [and idiot] Leonard) didn't tell you who it was that called you aboard. "Seriously?!" You spin around to face him. "You couldn't tell me who it was that wanted me to join his crew?"

James interrupts, quite literally stepping in between the two of you. He smiles while doing so, lowering his hand as he stands in front of you.

You shake your head, "no."

"Why?” He sounds offended (which would have made you laugh; had you not been pissed off). “I haven't even said anything."

You turn around, walking forward. "It's better that way."

"Do you know who I am or something?"

You nod. "Or something. Now, go away. And don’t talk to me, Leonard."

James glances back over at his friend.

The doctor rolls his eyes and gestures for the captain to follow after you.

He jogs towards you, holding his hands so you don’t run into him and to prevent you from running away. "So, you said we kind of know each other.”

Your expression doesn’t change.

“Oh," he sucks air in between his teeth. "Did we-"

"Bye." You spin around him and walk away, regretting everything that lead up to you officially talking to the idiotic captain.

"Hey- hey. Wait!" He runs to follow you.

"Nope."

He holds his hands in front of him, stopping you from moving (again). “We’re going to talk about why you hate me so much so I can hopefully persuade you into joining my crew because let’s face it. If Bones is saying you’re good, then I gotta say. I kind of believe him and want you to join.”

You sigh, “you’re the reason I couldn’t graduate with everyone else.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not the mention the fact that you slept with my roommates and broke their hearts.”

“Okay, okay. I’m going to need to stop you right there so you can explain to me everything I’ve,” he sighs, shoulders sagging low. “Messed up so bad to make you hate me.”

“You decided to run through the court one day and bumped into me, ruining my project that was worth- that part’s not important.”

His eyebrows jerk up at your comment.

“The point is, you ruined my project, and I wasn’t able to do anything about it because the professor didn’t care. His words actually were, “not my problem” and I failed the class so, thank you for that.”

“That part I get, which I am sorry for but- uh- why do you hate me about my past with your roommates?”

“You gave them the “night of their lives” and they wanted more. I mean, that was before you went from Daisy to Sandy. They hated each other for weeks and they kept moaning and groaning about it to me.” You whine.

He covers his mouth to keep him from laughing.

“Don’t snicker.”

“I’m not,” he argues.

“You are. See this is why I never wanted to talk to you, you don’t take these things seriously.” You take a step forward.

He stops you once again. “No, look. I am, I really am sorry, but you haven’t spoken to your roommates since graduation, right?”

“No.”

“And, needing another semester or a year, made you want to do even better so you could show people how smart you are.”

You shrug, ignoring his gaze. “I guess.”

“What I’m hearing is, me coming into your life, was a little bit of a good thing.”

“Yeah, no. I can’t do this.”

He takes note of the small crack of a smile that clearly wants to tug at the corner of your lips. “I think you can. I think, I’m rubbing off on you.”

“That’s not true.”

“See,” he points the clear smile stretching across your lips. “That right there, tells me you like me. Maybe you could even get used to me enough to come aboard, work with my crew and I?”

You take a deep breath and stop.

He bumps into a passer byer, quickly offering an apology.

“I will… go against every fiber in my body and say…”

“Yes?”

“I agree to work with your crew.”

“And me?”

“Don’t push it.”

“Okay.”

You two walk back towards the doctor (who thanks all and any god that answered his prayers). “How about we go on an “I’m sorry I ruined your life but actually made it better” date?”

“Don’t push it,” you say and run towards Leonard.

“Glad to see you two didn’t kill each other.”

“Shut up.”

“Now can we go get that drink? I need it after watching you two, do whatever that was.”

You narrow your eyes at him and elbow him.

He huffs and bends forward, holding his side.

James stands beside him and smiles. “I’m happy you told me to come with you today.”

The doctor groans and smacks his captain’s arm. “Don’t even think about it.”

“I’m not.”

Leonard shakes his head and walks away. ‘Like I believe that.’

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emblazonet · 1 year ago

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Nerilka's Story

Can someone explain why this book exists, please?

It's fucking TINY and it took me over a month to get through, and it somehow managed to make me hate characters from Moreta: Dragonlady of Pern, which is an incredible feat, because I loved Moreta and the cast.

I liked Nerilka in Moreta. She was fine.

Being in her head was like someone rubbing a cheesegrater on my skull.

As usual, spoilers follow for a book that's been out since 1986.

I mean, Anne McCaffrey did succeed in writing a first-person book that is exactly like a person writing shit down in a diary with very little filter and with no real sense of plot, and if I wanted that, I would go read a real person's diary, because it sure as fuck couldn't be more boring than this.

The first half of the book is just Nerilka (Rill) being all like 'wah I was mean to my family and now they're dead' which, like, valid thing to be sad about. Her dad sucks, which we know from Moreta. Great, we can maybe have tension with him—wait no. Suddenly the focus then moves on to Rill's flouncy stepmother who is just a really boring charicature of a stock villain. She's pretty and brainless and lords it over Nerilka and it's flat and boring and comes across as pretty misogynistic honestly.

McCaffrey's weird bloodline shit is extra gross in this. The drudges come off as subhuman in intelligence, who must be managed and herded. (And then all the parts later on where Alessan needs to have a person of the right bloodline to marry and I'm just like.... why.) There's no magic or anything that runs through bloodlines. There's no scientific reason why nobles matter more than other people. It's just stated to matter for some reason with no back up. If the caste system was like, nuanced or something—a drudge struggles to be thought of as intelligent or something, in another Pern story even!—then I'd be more tolerant, but this seems like an unconscious bias, and therefore it irks me.

The other issue with the first half of the book is that it's a really shoddy rehash of stuff that already happened in Moreta. Yawn.

I was relieved at first when Rill finally got to Ruatha hold where hopefully she could have some characters to interact with—the telling instead of showing was by this point irritating the everloving fuck out of me. Unfortunately it's just 'here's some boring vaccine logistics' for pages. Then finally Moreta dies which introduces some conflict...

And instead of anything compelling we end up with Mega Depressed Emotional Shutdown Alessan who basically gets a complete personality wipe, because that's how grief works right? And then suddenly he's making some stupid shitty suicide bargain to Rill. "You can kill me once I put a bun in your oven, but don't worry, I won't beat you!" WOW.

WOW. (There's no 'omg you were Lady Nerilka all along!' moment in any of the book, by the way, despite her travelling incognito. Everyone just already knew. That dialogue might have been fun! Can't have that.)

(There's also no scene where Rill and Alessan reminisce over Suriana, the one person they loved in common, because that also might be fun or have emotional resonance.)

And then Alessan is a zombie for the rest of the book. Look, yes, grief changes people, sure, but like. Maybe we can cut out realism in the TELEPATHIC DRAGON book to maybe not have a previously-likeable dude turn into 'not beating my wife is my one redeeming quality haha I have no emotions anymore.'

Like he gets four sons and doesn't emote until there's a daughter???

And Rill's like "This is fine, he has no real emotion for me except pragmatic approval, but I like being pregnant so it's a happy ending after all!"

(This book has some weird moments about pregnancy. Like the whole bit with the runner giving birth where Rill says runners are so much more advanced than humans because they don't wail and weep and curse in pain. What. What is that. Why is that. That's fucking weird, Anne! That's a weird thing to say! I love my random animal birth scenes to have an Obligatory Misogynist moment to make the narrator sound like she's Not Like Other Women, that's fucking great.)

Anyway this book fucking sucked and I'm going to pretend it never happened in order to go on enjoying Moreta.

1/10 YIKES

#nerilka's story #amber reads pern #dragonriders of pern #I need some brain bleach please #if the next book isn't better I'm gonna riot

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pholiabanna · 2 years ago

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Confession time; i kinda hate the st writers. They are the reason why the pride was ruined during the vol2 waiting, the reason why we face constant homophobia from mlvns and the ga for shipping byler and all bc they refused to break up mlvn and also included that shit ass monologue. Now we have to wait years to see the conclusion meanwhile ppl gradualy start lose their interest. They ruined Nick's career and reputation for no reason when his site was there for years. The way they say nothing against the apparent fandom homophobia even though it is not even a secret since ppl sharw homophobic comments left and right. The way they use Will's car scene as a memeable moment even though many queer fans were devastated when the scene came out. The way they write these characters. The way they treate Will. The way they treated Robin. I have so much spite and hatred bottled in me and i am only starting to realize it after a year. If byler doesnt become canon i hope all st writers and the duffers lose their jobs and never manage to write ever again. I would even support Netlix going full bankrupt. My respect for the writers all depend on whether or not byler becomes canon and i dont care if it makes me stuck with byler or whatever. After everything the writers pulled, yes, my respect all depend on this choice for S5.

Honestly I see where you're coming from, so your feelings are completely valid. I do believe that the monologue and saving byler for the last season makes narrative sense because of the way they've written the story and how best friends to lovers stories usually work (they normally won't get together until the end of a movie, and you have to think of ST as a 5 season long movie).

I think most of those things you pointed out are more of a fandom problem, like Will crying in the van becoming a meme- I believe it was portrayed very seriously in the show and it was a certain sector of the audience who decided to memefy it. Also, the homophobia would happen even if byler became canon in season 4, sadly homophobes are everywhere in every fandom. I also believe a lot of those things you pointed out are more of Netflix's fault, because using Wills scene as a meme was something accounts like Netflix, Netflix geeked, Netflix UK and other did, but I don't recall strangerwriters doing that (but I may be wrong so please if I am let me know). Their executives were probably the ones who decided to split the season as well, and having vol 2 come out right after pride month (being a terrible coincidence because of the byler-Milkvan storyline and the homophobia that subsequently came from maloobans). If I remember correctly, the writers account has stated a couple times that everyone should be allowed to ship whoever they want. But as you pointed out, sometimes I feel like they could do a little bit more. They tanked Nick's reputation (which I can understand up to a certain point if they are trying to protect the show they are working on from getting spoiled, but maybe they should have made a less vague and incriminating statement), and they definitely could address the rampant homophobia in the fandom more frequently.

It sucks that we need to wait so many years to prove we were right, but think about how satisfying it will be once the season comes out and you watch all of those people have a breakdown, and hopefully you see interviews from the duffers explaining how that was the intention all along. If that's the case, then I'll be happy, but as you said, if all of these was for nothing and byler isn't endgame, I'll definitely consider it queerbaiting, because they have built up romantic feelings for Will on Mike's side, even if some people want to deny it. So yeah, queerbaiting in 2023 sucks, and it's totally valid for you to feel like you won't respect them anymore if they go that route. I think more people need to realize this is not a matter of whether the couple I like ends up together over the couple other people like, it's a matter of whether queer people get a respectful and deserved treatment or not. And if they don't, then they're terrible writers, because if the way they fucked up that storyline, and terrible people too.

But hopefully not. Right now, I'm really convinced byler is endgame and they know what they're doing. We have to deal with crazy Melvin stans meanwhile, but the wait will be over before you notice and they'll get really quiet and embarrassed once they realize how wrong they were. But I'd like for them to address some of the homophobic comments online a little bit more often.

#byler #byler tumblr #stranger things

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jackienautism · 2 years ago

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ive always sort of taken ashley's reaction to that whole situation to be like. in that moment, emily goes from ally to potential threat, and ashley freaks out and her thought process is basically.... "remove the threat". it is mike who escalates and picks up the gun like you said. my guess is, seeing a friend get shot is way different than the possibility of them getting shot? so like... if mike shoots emily, ashley a) sees that reality and b) knows that it wouldn't have happened without her. hence the guilt. but in the case of mike putting the gun down, the potential threat is not gone in any way and ashley didnt have to see her friend Actually get shot. so her reaction is probably from the uneasiness of the situation being unresolved, until she reads the notebook, realizes there was never any danger to her from emily, and THEN feels guilty. hopefully that makes sense? combo of whether or not ashley's unease and panic is actually resolved in the moment, as well as Actually watching emily die or just... having that almost happen.

i honestly have no idea what this is in reference to, but it all makes sense to me yeah! all i wanted was just to talk abt how its kind of fucked (atleast to me) how sam's relationship goes up after ashley reveals the truth 😭 i didnt mean for this to end in a discussion abt the like...bite / shooting scene as a whole. but i appreciate you coming into my inbox nonetheless!

but yeah i really don't blame ashley for freaking out the way she did, its just silly bc didnt jack sooooort of explain the whole situation back in the lodge? i could be TOTALLY misremembering so dont take my word for it. but its just.... he mentions cannibalism and this isnt necessarily cannibalism correct? but yeah. still. ashley is totally one to jump to conclusions before her mind can rly like....digest the situation properly so its sooo in character for her to automatically assume the worse. bc look at the whole basement scene w/ the ghost? her emotions get the best of her and makes her believe things that otherwise have a "rational" / believable explanation. so i totally don't blame her at all for acting the way she does

once again, i totally forget what this could potentially be in reference to fdkgndfg so apologies for that. did they rly like. show that ash was guilty that well though? like. OBV the guilt is gonna be there since her words and actions and whatever sort of led up to the moment of em getting shot, but after that ? does she rly show anything ????? not to say that she doesn't regret what she did and said if em actually dies, bc i jusrt KNOW that isnt true, i just think mike shows more remorse than ashley does which sucks. unless its more of a ...... silent guilt. which is probably is. ive only rly watched the scene and the aftermath once so i cant remember it too clearly sorry

AND I THINK I FINALLY KNOW WHAT THIS IS TALLKING ABT.... ITS ABT THE COMMENT SHE MAKES IF MIKE DOESNT SHOOT EMILY RIGHT? hopefully thats what it is fkgnfg but yeah that totally makes sense to me! or wait. is this just abt the potential guilt ashley feels in this scene? AAAAA IM SO SORRY I SAY A LOT OF THINGS AND I DONT WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAID!!!! if you wanna clarify things for me if i didnt answer this to your satisfaction id appreciate it dfgknfg but once again, i appreciate the discussion regardless!

once again though, i think that does make sense yeah! esp in regards to ashley's "i hope you did" comment following mike failing to shoot em. bc youre right, the uneasiness and .... anxiety of the situation is still there, so it makes sense why she wouldnt seem very ..... happy over mike not shooting em / not getting her to leave

youre right though it def all depends on what occurs, which is like. realistic. esp from a Human Being perspective. so it sucks that a lot of ppl blow the scene out of proportion and unnecessarily hate on ashley for her (rather realistic) reactions to what's shown to her. bc yeah ok if its put out there or if it ever enters her mind, of COURSE shes gonnna freak out ove rth e potential of em "turning into one of them." the only one who doesnt rly believe it at first is sam and thats due to how ..... levelheaded she is, even under times of stress. but ashley is the COMPLETE opposite of that. she''s like. ive seen others talk abt this before but. she's not grounded in reality, which is a very interesting and good way of putting it. so yeah of course her imagination is going to take her into dangerous places and shit and therefore dictate how she reacts to what happens. hopefully this makes any sense? i know i dont necessarily need to defend her actions here (since plenty of others have already done the same) but i just wanted to get my thoughts down sdfnksdf

#mine #text #asks #anon #ashley brown #until dawn #my ash tag #my UD tag #UD #my thoughts

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thedevilsrain · 2 years ago

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waw personal post about having sisters and radicaI feminsm underneath

had like. an interesting chat with my sister about... basically trans issues yesterday. she isnt a full blown t3rf, she basically agrees Trans People Exist And Are Not Perverts (a thought my other sister doesnt share), but she agrees with a lot of transphobic and t3rf sentiments, mostly out of sheer ignorance

i broke down to her a few stereotypes, such as that there is a binary between trans people and their appearance (transfems are always feminine, transmascs are always masculine, non binary people are always "androgynous"), told her there are trans people who dont go on t, and that trans women literally never equalize their upbringings to that of cis women - they equalize their upbrings to that of other trans women

also told her that the fact transmascs are rarely seen in media/news arent because of "misogyny", its because the media finds it much easier to attack a "man" dressed as a "woman", than a "woman" dressed as a "men" (which then reveals their own transphobia because they just think the latter case is a "confused woman" while the first is a "pervert" if that makes sense)

and like.. it was good. she listened. again, most of it came from ignorance - hearing all the shit our other sister says, and not knowing any trans people herself, besides from the videos of Bad Trans People she would see shared around

(specifically, she brought up a video she'd told me about before, of a trans person at a rally saying "Iesbians will suck dick!" and saying she was baffled by it; to which i calmly explained there were not just trans women who were lesbians, but cis women who dated them, and that the matter of genitaIia isnt, for the lack of a better word, "ignored" or "forced" upon cis women)

funny enough the only thing we hit a wall out was the word t3rf itself - i told her at the end that it was nowhere close to being a slur like the T slur, and she said "t3rf is to feminits what the T slur is to trans people". when i told her "being called a t3rf doesnt get you killed in the streets" she scoffed and said "of course it does", even she stated herself braziI remains the country that kills the most trans people

i gave up after that mostly because we were both kind of tired, but another thing i hit a roadblock at was when she said "i'm honestly just tired of this whole discussion", and it honestly hurt me a bit. not because she didnt want to continue discussing it, but idk, just the way she said it made it seem like "oh can we discuss if trans people deserve to live some other day"

and on a darker note when i told her our sister wants trans people to die, she said (jokingly) "no she doesnt, she just wants them like.... to go away", and i said "yeah, go away, hide in the closet, and die" and she actually laughed and agreed because we both know that its the level our other sister has reached

overall again as i said, surprisingly good talk. shes very hesitant to mention the topic of trans issues with her Igbt friends because of her own bigoted friends, and i hope shes at least more willing to learn now

also she hopefully learned that jk roIando (as i call her) Is Bad because shes literally associating w friends of neo nazis now lol

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lunatic-fandom-space · 2 months ago

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Its saturday, so Im gonna go out in a fancy little jacket that i just bought and ride the bus for 8 hours and on this busride I will be reading The Picture of Dorian Gray for the first time knowing very little about it, and for some reason I feel compelled to ramble about my very limited knowledge of this book before i. gain the full knowledge i guess

When I was a young child I think?, my dad I think? for some reason had to explain to me what The Picture of Dorian Gray was about and he gave me a synopsis that was like "Its about a guy called Dorian who summons the devil and makes a deal with him to put his soul in a portrait so that the portrait ages instead of him, thus making Dorian immortal" and to this day thats the only synopsis of this book ive ever received and I havent really been able to pick up anything else about like, the plot via cultural osmosis

Until yesterday that is, because yesterday I randomly had the thought "hey, the takarazuka revue likes to do adaptations of western classic literature sometimes, i wonder if they ever did one of The Picture of Dorian Gray" so I looked up on the takarazuka wiki and THEY DID but theres no recording of it anywhere which makes me so so upset. Whatever, the reason Im telling you this is that I scrolled around a little and looked at the cast list and one of the characters was listed as smth like "Basil [Lastname] (Dorian's best friend, The painter who painted Dorian's painting)". Now, I have heard about Basil before, I know him as The One Dorian Is Gay With, because Ive seen a bunch of posts from people who were very upset when netflix announced that theyre gonna make them brothers in their upcoming adaptation, and I was very surprised to read that he was apparently the guy who made the titular Picture. Granted, this could just be an adaptational choice that the takarazuka revue made, but personally Im assuming its not, I dont really have a reason for that, its just my gut instinct. But anyway, I always thought that the devil just created that painting, not that it was this thing where I guess Dorian was like "hey, devil, you take my soul and put into the next painting that gets made of me so I can be immortal" and then he went up to his artist-friend and asked him to paint him ? or any other thing thats not just the devil creating it, although now that I think about it, Im pretty sure the devil is not supposed to have the ability to create anything, so I guess that makes sense to me.

Beyond that though, the other reason why I was suprised is that I was like "wait. surely a guy like basil wouldnt be connected to or involved with the devil" Again, theres no reason for that, I know nothing about this guy other than his name and that he exists and I guess now I know that hes a painter as well. Its all based on nothin but vibes and what can I say, Basil has sweetheart-vibes. If he does paint the Picture, which again, i think is extremely likely, I dont think he will be in cahoots with the devil, I think he will be completely ignorant to the devil and Dorian is just dragging his into all this bullshit and Im already so so afraid for him, my sweet little guy. Man, I just realized, what if Im misremembering my dad's explanation or what if that explanation was just bad and theres actually no devil in this story at all. That would suck. for me

I was gonna end it there but then I remembered that Ive seen people talk about this book being antisemitic, so. Idk, honestly with these 'mainstream' classic lit books antisemitism is kindof inevitable because most of them were written in 1800s europe, I just hope its ignorable enough for me, or that maybe its a kind of antisemitism thats not really comprehensible to modern readers and itll just go over my head or something. yknow, they were doing some complicated as fuck advanced bigotry back then, maybe I just wont be able to keep up. hopefully

#anyway im going on the bus now byeeeee #some personal shit

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notebookmusical · 4 months ago

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Hi! I hope you're having a good week and enjoyed your birthday, even if it was pretty lowkey. Honestly I always keep my birthdays that way so I know what you mean and I remember that we both said we both weren't big birthday people when we talked about it. I'm so glad you were happy with your surprise songs. That's so cool that you almost predicted it and got something you wanted. I almost did that at my show with Right where you Left Me, but it was a lot easier cuz she was trying to play each song at least once back then lol. I guess the tour has been going on for a long time and I will miss it..but she deserves a break and I'm also expecting the other rerecordings soon..so it won't be that bad. I'm expecting maybe around February, March or April, since it will be about a year since TTPD. But I've seen some people say they think a new album could be next instead. Do you have an opinion? To be honest, I always said Wonderland was one of my least fav songs lol but I still like it when I hear it sometimes. It's just one I usually forget about..but I love Alice in Wonderland too, but the song doesn't really make me think of it. I did enjoy the actual mashup though, and same with Never Grow Up and the Best Day. It made sense why she would sing it near one of the last shows as a tribute to her family and parents and it's cute that your mom was there with you.

Hmm I was wondering if it would feel that way. But I think it makes sense where it is, instead of at the end of the show..although I Can Do it could also be a fun finale. Wow you were close guessing a place in this world..aww. I felt that about the night two songs too, kinda but I guess she wanted to perform with Gracie again, and play Maroon for the last time lol. Aww I'm sorry the cameras were blocking the view..that kinda sucks but it's kinda cool to be like..I was there! I mostly think the same, and I wonder if it will be the next thing, before the rerecordings or not...but maybe early next year is my guess like end of January and rerecordings later. A doc makes sense to celebrate a tour like this so I'm excited for it too.

It's weird cuz for the Outsiders..I totally agree that I see them all as separate and I can't explain why. Like I was flipping thru the book recently cuz I couldn't remember exactly how it was in the book compared to the movie. So I was like..did they change that from the movie or was it like that in the book? Like it felt like some scenes were out of order or something so I wanted to double check that. I just can't remember since it's been a while since I saw the movie even. However when I was reading parts, I could only picture the movie and not the musical and idk why lol. I suppose cuz I'm more familiar with it, but it will be interesting to see which one you like more after reading and not being familiar. It seems like some people that saw the musical first don't enjoy the movie that much. It seems like the musical tried to stick closer to the book. I was looking thru it and in the first chapter it says ponyboy was reading Great Expectations and they turned that into his song which was pretty cool cuz I never would've remembered that. Sorry if that's a bit of a spoiler but it's an example of wondering where the songs would go. so I'm excited to see more of that from the book and compare it to the musical. I also told my sister we could actually read it since she never did. Unfortunately they didn't keep one of my favorite lines from the book exactly but it's pretty much in there in other ways. They also made some other changes but I get they couldn't fit everything. They also performed on Jimmy Kimmel this week and the performance was so good! I'm afraid you would have Outsiders overload by the time you were done though, similar to what happened with Wicked haha.

How was the Wicked book? Did you enjoy it? I've heard it's bad but hopefully or maybe I can get to it by the time the second movie comes out. Would you recommend the audiobook? I just saw it on Spotify..I always said I can't do audiobooks cuz it's hard to pay attention but maybe it would help and for my sister especially. Did you see that they named it Wicked For Good in place of the part 2 lol. I guess I like it but I'm also wondering why but it definitely could be the highlight of the next film so it makes sense. Ooh I forgot about Thank Goodness but I am excited for it cuz it's similar to No one Mourns the Wicked and it will feel similar to the beginning of the first movie. I'm also curious about what kinda songs they added in Part 2 and for who. Could it be another Glinda song..probably for Oscar chances. Apparently there are 2 new songs so what do you think the other one would be? I don't know if the movie Part 1 will win a lot of awards like for acting, and the color was disappointing but I was impressed with the sets and the costumes so maybe that will win.

Did you enjoy the Back to the Future movie and did you get to see the musical yet? To me, that one is a little easier to imagine as a musical based on the few clips of performances I've seen. The only song I know for now is Back in Time. The vibes are also pretty different and more fun I would say and I hear they do a few cool things on stage so I would be interested in that. But fun fact..the original Marty Casey Likes was also Ponyboy in the Outsiders workshop a few years ago before he decided to do Back to the Future which is odd cuz the shows are so different, but just another fun connection. He was also in Almost Famous, another movie I love that is a musical, but I never listened to that either lol. But I know it has Solea Pfeiffer which is another reason I wanted to hear it but it didn't do that good on Broadway. Maybe I will after I see this one, but otherwise I'm not that familiar with the original cast as far as comparing it to the tour. What I liked about Kimberly Akimbo is they bring some of the ensemble to the tour which was pretty cool. Anyway I think Back to the Future is actually closing by the end of this month, but it's already been on Broadway a few years I think so it's been pretty successful.

So I only did a basic plot synopsis on Floyd Collins and it doesn't seem like something that would translate into a musical lol..but I'm sure it's good. I've only heard a few songs from Light in the Piazza and know the plot of it but I think I understand the music style it's gonna be if it's similar to that. Actually I just listened to the cast recording of Days of Wine and Roses which is the same person who did the Floyd Collins musical which is a total coincidence..I had no idea until I looked yesterday. I did enjoy some of the music and Brian D'arcy James and Kelli o Hara were in it. So I'm not sure if I will end up listening to it..maybe sometime but will probably listen to the new cast recording version and hopefully there is one. I also read an article about new musicals opening in the spring and it's hard to predict what will be at the Tony's so I guess we will see. They also announced Eva is leaving Gatsby now and being replaced by Sarah Hyland so I guess they need stunt casting somewhat, but she was pretty good in Little Shop. I think I read that Eva is going back to Hadestown which I wouldn't have guessed. I also saw the new Gypsy footage which looks amazing and that it got good reviews too.

Well your replay results don't really surprise me cuz I remember it was similar to last year. I didn't know you enjoyed the 1975 that much though..which I also love, and those are all good choices. Taylor is only on my Spotify Wrapped cuz she has consistently been releasing albums for the last five years and sometimes it's two rerecordings or the length of a long album. For example, TOP only made it this year cuz they had an album and I saw them in concert this year. I guess I'm weird cuz I listen to so much different artists and new stuff that im not really listening to the same fav artists or anything the way other people do. I'm kinda surprised about the cast recordings not making it since they are long albums and I thought it would count more. That's a good point about vinyl and maybe I will start using my vinyl player more in the new year.

I've been good and don't have much planned for the rest of the year. We celebrated Christmas last weekend cuz my brother is going to Mexico so it will probably be jjust chill. I can't believe it's Christmas already and doesn't feel like it. I might see family this weekend but don't know yet. But in the past, we always worked on Christmas so it's not that big of a deal. I'm hoping to see Hamilton but that's only if I get picked for lottery now since it's all sold out. I did end up listening to the Warriors album and enjoyed it but I probably won't see the Mufasa movie. I have two concerts in February now since I was able to get Zayn tickets last week, and Soccer Mommy. I might go to Back to the Future and some like it Hot musicals as well. I'll also try to finish some books I was in the middle of by the end of the year lol but I haven't really thought of resolutions or anything yet, even if they usually stay the same. But I hope you have a lovely Christmas and New Year's if I don't talk to you again. As always, there's no pressure to reply and I hope you're doing well!

gooood morning 🩷 anon!!! i hope you're having a good week! do you consider weeks starting on monday or sunday? i used to think of weeks starting on sunday, but ever since i started hobonichi-ing, i've had to rewire my brain so that i think of weeks as starting on monday!

as a heads up, it may take me a little longer to reply to asks in the next few weeks — my best friend is visiting from australia! or i'll be replying in record time, who knows!

i'm honestly quite relieved that eras is over, although i will definitely miss it too! i think that given the success of tortured poets, it'll be some time until we see another new album — maybe a rerecording in a few months? i've been thinking of doing a full relisten of her discography, maybe an album or two a day? i was going to say i'd try to squeeze them all in before my friend comes but some of these albums are long 😭 and i do not know if i can commit myself to that.

guess what guess what!! i do not know if you saw my bat signal but i finally read the outsiders!! jamie wants to watch the movie with me, so it'll be at least a month before i can watch the movie and then i can watch a bootleg of it! woohoo! we're getting closer! that being said, i do think spacing it out a bit will help with fatigue, which is good!

i did actually really enjoy the wicked book! there's a lot that's different and i think it really helped me in thinking of the musical, and movie (and book obviously) as separate things. i think there were some things i was like, shocked to know they didn't keep, and i'd love to know more about the process of adapting wicked as a musical. just because it is quite different. and i do recommend the audiobook! i had to train my brain to like audiobooks but i really do love them — they work best for me while i'm doing something else (cleaning, crafting, walking the dog, playing a game, etc) and i really had to experiment with speed (some audiobook narrators are SUPER slow, some are too fast, etc). i really liked the choreo and costumes in the movie! and i'm so excited to have my heart ripped out with the "for good" bit!

back to the future... whew. i have many mixed thoughts about it, but i did think it was a phenomenal adaptation of the movie in the sense that it picks out all the bits that everyone loves, it felt very 1:1, etc. as a musical... i didn't quite enjoy it as much as i wanted to, i left not really remembering a single song (which is ... kind of important for a musical). i was talking to my friend will (who saw it in the west end) before i saw it, and he said it was kind of like a ride and more like an experience than a show, and at intermission i sent him a text and was like. you are entirely correct. you know those rides at universal or disney, like soarin or the simpsons ride? that's what it felt like. mixed with like, a musical? at one point i was like oh this show feels very tailored to like, theme parks and cruise ships. like it is an ... experience. and i knew going in that this was a "very loud show" and brought my loops but it was still ... far too loud WITH them in, which is saying something i think. my friend that i went with got slightly motion sick from the screens at the beginning, and the flashing lights/the way the lights were in general did give me a migraine, so i'd give anyone going to it a heads up for those things! our tour marty is actually from our state! and more specifically, my neighborhood, which is so fun haha. i thought he was fine! i really liked the guy who plays george mcfly, and thought he would be a great pomatter in like fifteen years — then went and looked at his headshot and was like oh it's giving the outsiders haha. i've also been meaning to give almost famous a listen! maybe in the new year!

i did see the hadestown casting! and i am sad for the west end current cast because their contracts are getting cut short to my understanding, but am super super excited for andre and patrick and amber to return to hadestown. and am glad their performances are getting preserved/filmed 🤍 i've been listening to the west end recording a lot, and have been very charmed by dónal's orpheus. he's still no damon but still very charming to me!

i do like the 1975! i haven't listened to them as much but apparently (according to apple music) they were my most listened artist in both january and february, and so i think that's why they made it on there? i didn't listen to as much music this year! and yes, i think it's very easy for taylor to be on a wrapped/replay list because she has SO many songs and even though it doesn't feel like you're listening to her for that long ... some of her albums are like two hours long haha.

how was your christmas? 🤍 oh my gosh i'm so happy for you with zayn tickets — i hope you have the best time!!! i think i'm going to do some "25 in 2025" lists but that's about as far as i've got for resolutions and goals! have not given it too much thought (and need to)!!! hope you're doing well 🤍 !! happy new year if i don't talk to you before it!

#post: answered #🩷 anon

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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 1 year ago

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Okay good we're explaining to them

Yeah those are really low!

I mean physical health and mental health are both important so the decision sucks but :((

Awww honey 😭😭💔

Both of you :((

I'm sorry lovelies <33

This doesn't guarantee jeopardizing that but yk

:'O Charlie

No Shaun I think it does

Let her talk

Yeah Morgan :') thank you

I like the way she moves her hands

Idk just mood

:'o. . Yeah, brains both different

Ahh yeah that makes sense

I see what she means

I'm glad she got the help she wanted and needing :'))

Yeah, I think that makes sense <333

It doesn't make the decision for everyone but yesh

YAYY :'DD

It worked out and it will hopefully help her <3

That was so sweet :')) 😭😭😭😭❤️

Hey guyss

Hmm okie dokie

D': oh no

That's awful 😭😭💔❤️

Aww honeys :((

Okay Lim I don't think it's about you lol xd

Lim you don't know, because you don't know her

Yep he has a point xd

I don't think it's a nice thing to do regarding Lim but he does actually like her

So you can't be interesting without a career Lim?

I think your career orientedism is coming into play xdd

Oof okay maybe don't tell her "let me tell you something about your mom" but yeah go off honestly xdd

Aww those are delay things :'DD

Aww Lim's kinda considering it :'DD slay

Aww :'))

Okay Glassman chill lol

OKAY CHILL

Aww honeys 😭😭💔 I'm so sorry :((

WAIT

THAT SHOT FRAMING

ASHER'S GONNA MARRY THEM

Aww :')) idk what she's saying but <33

Awww :'o he's kinda like admitting it

That's a sucky phrase like nice but it sucks to sad but sweet :'((

:'O ayo!!

Awww Asher's organizing it for them :'O he's telling them all the stuff

They can!!!

AUAAAAGHHHH HE'LL PLAN IT YEAH :'DDDD

Awww :')))

And he says it :'))

Awww honey <333

It must be hard to "admit" it but I'm glad it's working for you honey <33

Yeah :'))

Awww honeyy 😭😭😭❤️💔❤️

#the good doctor #tgd #oasis's tgd chatter

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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8/18/23

Today was a divergence from the norm. Not that there really is a norm for me anymore, but yeah... you know what I mean.

I didn't sleep great, it was really hot out. More humid than hot, I guess. I don't know why I woke up, I have my suspicions it was hunger but I honestly don't know. I struggled to get back to sleep. I checked my email and saw that my building manager emailed me back.

I was immediately pretty embarrassed, because I had deliberately emailed the assistant manager, and the manager emailed me back... so... kinda awkward? But I saw the assistant later in the day when I picked up my groceries and she was friendly, I'm guessing the weird is just in my head.

My building manager told me that the way they handle noise complaints in-house is for me to call the emergency on-call people in the building, leave my name and my apartment number and let them know what's going on. Then the on-call person will go and talk to them for me. It will be handled anonymously, and then followed up on the next day by email. That's what I was told. I told my therapist this today and his eyes kinda bugged out a bit. I had to explain to him that like... in this building, it feels like "emergency" means like... "there's a funny smell coming from my heaters at 2AM". And I literally did not call my former landlords for help when there was a big chunk of the wall rotting in. (I really should have told them, I know... it's a PTSD thing for me and I'm getting better about it.)

So... basically... I am going to have to wake someone up at 2AM or later... and call them... and let them know that my neighbor sounds like their moving furniture at all hours of the night for the 3rd night in a row. I have to treat it like calling front desk at a hotel at 2AM, I guess. Yeah, that makes more sense for my brain.

I feel bad for the on-call people, I met one the first week I was here, she was super nice. I just feel bad waking someone up at 2AM because... I can't sleep. Feels contradictory. But yeah, I mean... they're getting paid... so... it is what it is.

So I'm kinda getting ready for possibly having to do that tonight. If not, it will most likely be next Tuesday. This does seem to be a recurring trend around Monday-Tuesdays. It sucks but once it's over with, hopefully it's over with for good. And, as I said to my therapist, it's better than banging on the ceiling with a stick... which would most likely come off as angry and provocative. I do have to say, last night? I was seconds away from doing that. I had my staff raised to the roof and ready, at 3:30AM. But I talked myself out of it. It's for the best.

So... today was super low-key and chill. I didn't skate, I didn't really do art... (that's a lie but I'll get to that). I haven't even done yoga yet. Just a super slow moving chill rest day, after 3 days in a row of intense skating. I'm glad I did it, I really can tell I needed a day off. Once I get in a groove with skating and snowskating, all I want to do is be at the park. And my body needs to recover. So... yeah, today was a good excuse to celebrate my accomplishments and just chill.

I got groceries, that was good. It was more expensive than I was planning... it always fucking seems to be... but it was a lot of bulk stuff so that's good. And I didn't have any problems with the order, which is always great.

The big landmark of the day was therapy. My therapist actually deliberately took time to point out that my entrance into the session today was confidently positive, and he could tell a big difference in me. He said I usually say I'm doing "okay" or "mixed" or "hanging in there", shit like that. Today, I was doing well. There was some talk about how in the past... this has been mistaken for "mania" by untrained eyes. That made me go down some difficult memory hallways, but it's good to know that this sensation of actually doing well... actually making progress against my struggles... is not an illness or illusion within itself. And I'm really going to struggle to forgive the gaslighters who planted those seeds in my head. How fucking evil is that? To convince someone that they're delusional and acting dangerous or "reckless" when they FINALLY make unassisted progress with their crippling anxiety and depression. All because "you changed".

Yeah, no fucking shit I changed, I was an insecure paranoid lump of depression! No shit I changed!!! Why the fuck would I stay as that?! That's not me. That's a state that I am in. I am so much more than that.

That was another point covered today - my struggle to kinda... distinguish between anxious thoughts and others. And I explained the intense reactions I got when I was talking about snowskating the rotary the other day... where I was worried I might have like... given the kid bad advice to skate there and he's just going to get busted... or made myself look stupid for skating at a spot that is like... an obvious kick-out spot. I don't even know the specific fear I had, but it was fucking intense Twilight Zone feelings for like... 15 seconds. And... I'm guessing the conclusion on that is... that was a trauma response? Not an anxiety one? And I'm pretty sure that trauma is like... leaking information to the wrong people. Having my boundaries be too thin and just handing a dossier to an enemy spy or something. That, of course, flashing me back emotionally to many different traumatic incidents of betrayal where that did happen with very close people, including family.

So... I really tried to emphasize that I'm now struggling to identify the anxiety in that at all. And I fear that I might actually deeply struggle to identify the anxious thoughts in the first place, which would explain a lot of my struggles so far. The way I tried to explain it was... the thoughts sound the same in my head. They're all the same voice, the same tone, and I don't really think there are physical or emotional tells either? Or I'm just not used to them? Or I'm just not tuned in to them? So it's really hard for me to distinguish between anxiety and just... self-protective conscience, I guess.

Let me give an example that just popped into my head. I fucking miss walking barefoot, I am always barefoot in my house, all the time. But I don't walk around barefoot in the apartment building. I just pictured myself taking my trash to the trash room down the hall barefoot... and corrected myself... and went "yeah, it's a good idea to put shoes on for that." In this case, this is not for personal safety. This would be for like... other peoples' weird phobias. Not wanting to upset someone and have them tell me to put shoes on because... apparently the bottom of my feet are dirtier than... the bottom of their boots? Somehow?

Is this anxiety? Is it common courtesy? Is it avoiding potential conflict? I don't know! I'm leaning towards anxiety, honestly. And... I guess... it's all a numbers game in the end.

Oh shit, here's a really fucking good story that feels relevant. When I was... I guess in my mid-20's... It was right before I went for my solo thru-hike... I finally started to "date" again after my college ex "love of my life" broke up with me. I went on a few dates with this chick who I met on a dating site, the first person I dated since my college ex. I decided, on impulse, to take her on a trip to a beach 5 hours away in another state - like I used to do with my college friends back in the day. No plan, just spur of the moment hopping in a car, I'll drive, adventure time. We had only been going out for about 2 weeks, so only a few dates. She actually went with me.

I don't remember anything but us getting to the beach and the hotel room after. I remember getting to the beach and it was night and a storm was rolling in. I think the plan was to hang out at the beach and maybe find a place to park nearby and sleep in the car? Again, no plan so we were just winging it. A big lightning storm started rolling in from across the ocean. And I remember being on the beach, and seeing the lightning crashing, and just being so fucking scared out of my mind that I was going to get struck, but still allowing myself to be out there. I don't think I've ever felt that fucking vulnerable in my life. I don't even remember if she went outside the car with me. I think I just like... ran a short loop along the beach in the rain and looped back. After that, we decided to get a hotel room (I covered all of it) and I remember that she wanted to sleep in separate beds. And that was... upsetting to me. Because I hadn't shared a bed with anyone since my ex, and I missed that sense of closeness so much. I was really disappointed. And I get why, now that I'm older, who knows what baggage she had. But yeah, she broke up with me not long after that trip. Refused to even drive me to the trailhead, and she had agreed to be the person to do that ahead of time... so I had to have my mom do it instead. So... not only did I do a 3-day thru hike alone... barefoot... but I did it a day or two after that chick broke up with me. Yay.

Back to the point of the story. Now? The most recent storm we had, I was scared to sit near my big windows when lightning was crashing outside. So... here's the juxtaposition I'm struggling with. Was the beach trip... reckless or brave? Was the self-protective caution trying to keep me in that car, that I managed to override in order to have my adventure... was that healthy fear? Or was it anxiety? And, comparatively, is my anxiety of being scared of being struck by lightning... while sitting on the floor on the middle floor of a 3 story building that is not the tallest building in the region... is that fear... reasonable? Or is it anxiety?

Where is the fucking line? How can I tell the difference? That's what I'm saying when I say "those two voices sound the same". I told my therapist "the voice that says 'watch out, there's a pebble up ahead' when I'm skating sounds and feels the same as the one that says 'don't call the community college about the teacher job, you're just wasting everyone's time, you know you're not qualified for that'". It's the same mechanism, and it really feels like the same experience... so how the fuck can I tell the difference? How can I classify it?

And... if I can't classify these thoughts as "healthy anxiety" and "damaging anxiety", then it really doesn't matter how much practice I do with skills or how many tools I have at my disposal, because I don't fucking know when to use them!

Skating has helped dramatically in my dismantling of my anxieties. Really trying to visualize what I think is going to happen that's making me scared of a trick, rather than just going... "yeah, I'll just not even bother trying that trick"... Actually engaging with that fear and accommodating for it has made a gargantuan difference.

Oh, while we're here, maybe a bit of a sidetrack... but Dan Corrigan said something super memorable in today's video and I wanted to quote him. He said that the best skateboarders are the best fallers, they can fall correctly and safely and keep getting back up to try again until they land it. I think that's super applicable to all kinds of shit in life.

Maybe I'm reminding myself of that for a reason. See... I'm so consumed in this... "early threat detection" method. Identify the anxiety as soon as possible, so I can thwart it with tools. When really, I just need to know how to handle the situation if it goes wrong. I don't know if I'm articulating myself clearly. Like... if I'm worried that I'm going to upset a person at the community college for "wasting their time" or whatever... I mean... okay... so... say that actually happens. Say I go there in person and I show an interest in part time teaching and I get a meeting with someone... and I say "yeah, so... I have a bachelors and I've been making art for 15 years" and they go... "yeah, you need a master's, it says it clearly right here on our application you dumbass stupid little dumb dumb-head idiot." Well, first off... that person is straight up getting fired if they do that... super unprofessional... Second, I can just follow up from there. "Are there any jobs you can think of in art education that I could qualify for? Any help would be greatly appreciated." Is that scary? That was like... a kneejerk response, first thought, no preparation... and an honest one, too. No embarrassment, no waste of time... in fact, it's demonstrating very clearly that I value their opinion. That's me taking the "fall" and rolling the fuck out of it rather than falling flat on my face. And I am actually very skilled at that.

I'm scared of skating because I haven't fallen enough and I'm afraid I don't remember how to fall correctly. I'm scared of social stuff like that too. Sending cold-call emails is a big one, calling people out of the blue, shit like that. Why? My first impulse says it all. "I have no one to proofread before I send it". And why would I need someone else to proofread my shit? Because I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid --- I'm afraid that I'm sending those messages from summer 2019. It's a trauma thing. UGH. THAT is why this is so much harder than anxiety.

God dammit and my therapist told me that too, he was just a bit quick with it and I didn't entirely follow. Anxiety is a whole other beast when trauma gets its hands on it and proves that anxiety right. Do that enough times, that's ingredients to make a shut-in. And a lot of my trauma is around reaching out to people (both close to me from the past and complete strangers) and... getting some really bad life-changing shit come back my way. Where if I had one friend give me their thoughts on the emails? They could have cautioned me that I was oversharing, or being too... spiritually cryptic or woo-woo... and spared me the embarrassment, and possibly even the trauma.

You know... when I was at the retreat where I was detoxing off meds... I had a roommate that was just entering his 40's. He was a good guy, I mean that, he just had been through fucking hell and you could tell. He was very emotionally detached and... inexperienced, I guess? And that led to anger mismanagement and outbursts, because he just didn't have any experience working with it. It was just stuffed down and down and down until the pressure cooker popped, and that's just not how you manage emotions. I learned a lot about that in my family, a masterclass on repressed emotions... I learned that a great indicator that someone is severely inexperienced with a specific emotion is if they seem a bit... child-like in their method of expressing it. Like a child throwing a tantrum. That's a good indicator of someone who hasn't refined their method of dealing with that headspace since... around that age. I think, at least.

But anyway... we had a moment one night where I was trying to bond with him... and he was sharing stories about his ex who I guess recently broke up with him... and I wanted to share with him the email that I sent to my ex. I sent it on Facebook, actually... I think... of all places... I wanted to share it because I could tell he was being vulnerable with me and I wanted to meet him there, and I wanted to share something I had never shared with anyone... something I felt was like... one of my greatest mistakes, my biggest shames, involving what I considered the "love of my life". Like "I never should've sent that shit, I pray she never read it". And... he didn't give me time to share it. I remember having it up on my phone and ready to read to him, and it would've been my first time re-reading it since I sent it. I literally don't know what it says. I remember years later... going back and reading the email... and it was really heartfelt, it wasn't bad. And honestly, I'd like to read it again. I'm so fucking tired of frantically running from this shit.

What my therapist told me today, and I've heard this in other places too and fucking hell is it solid gold. Write this shit down if you're reading this. When looking at the past, keep in mind - "I did the best I could with what I knew back then." I swear, that shit makes a big difference if you're anything like me.

Welp... I just signed into Facebook and fucking read that. My heart is pounding. Facebook is not a safe place for me. Facebook is a trauma within itself that I'm not getting into tonight. But I just found a message on there from two fucking years ago. It was my friend that I played minecraft with over 10 years ago, who I went to visit in person for the first time on my solo road trip. I drove 12+ hours straight and got to her apartment that night, our first time ever seeing each other in person, and passed out on her pull-out couch. I was so fucking exhausted, I had all the windows open, chain smoking and periodically pinching my thighs to keep myself awake on the highway as I was getting into the city she lived in. That was like... the least safe I've ever driven in my life. I have seen this chick on Instagram a lot, I've even liked some of her posts from my art profile. But... i don't think she knows it's me. And after I saw that facebook message from 2 years ago... that was her reminiscing on how we hadn't talked in... 10 years... It shows me she still remembers me. And she grew up pretty damn close to where I'm currently living, no more than an hour away. And she went to college for engineering and is now really into doing her own cosplay from what I see. She'd be a really good person for me to reconnect with, at least see if she's in the state. Or just to be a friend, you know? So, that was a cool impulse decision to open that up and see that.

Reading the message to my ex? That was... man, that was a rollercoaster. There was some cringe in there. Specifically... the stuff about the I Ching, that I was fanatic about at the time - though honestly, I recovered from it gracefully in the message through self-deprecating humor. And the fact that it was like 5 fucking pages long was kinda rough... It just kept going and going. It was literally a summary of my life from when she left to where I was at the time. And there was a lot of apologizing for my family. And asking her if she wanted to get coffee sometime was corny... but I immediately recovered from it... I think it was intentional. I think it was a coy way of like... breaking the awkwardness and saying what someone would expect an ex coming out of the woodwork to say... like "let's give this another shot", and then springing that at like... page 4? XD But I immediately followed it up by saying... getting back to our roots, back to where we started when we met. Because when we met, we used to just go get coffee and dinner after art classes and just talk for hours, as good friends. For like... a year and a half before I finally grew the balls to ask her out. All-in-all, it shared a lot. I don't know why I felt compelled to share all of that... rather than just... ask for a meeting or phone call and then share after the fact? I'm going to chalk that up to inexperience. Which I also commented on very self-aware in the message.

But a good thing I need to notice in here? The entire message was very coherent, and I'm reading this 4 years later... I was likely high at the time, I was smoking a ton of weed back then, and none of it sounds any different than how I communicate now. At all. It clearly sounds like my voice. I could even hear my own inflection in the phrasing when I read it back. And that. That letter is probably my biggest "cringe" trauma regarding writing, sending letters, cold-calls, etc. That's one of the core reasons why I feel compelled to get a second opinion on important emails and texts and applications and shit. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my writing. And I'm a writer! (See how that might cause a problem?...)

I have written here every fucking night for almost a year now. I post it publicly. I don't even edit it. And I'm scared to write an email to my old drawing teacher, who really took a liking to me. I'm scared to write to my old painting teacher who I hugged at her boyfriend's funeral. I'm scared to write my former friend - who I was a groomsman for - to turn down his graphic design commission. I'm scared to send an Instagram message to this chick who already took the plunge and sent me a cold-call FB message 2 years ago! And my justification? I just need someone to look this over for me. Just to see if there's anything I'm missing. Just in case. The implication, of course, being that I have already screwed it up and I'm just not seeing it.

And I will stall on sending those things, those applications, those emails... for weeks, months... years... until eventually, you just come to terms with the fact that it's not stalling anymore, it's avoidance. All because your own parent and your former best friend (who happened to be a crisis counselor and became a psychology professor) falsely diagnosed my unsupported battle with panic attacks/isolation, my discovery of my spiritual self and my reconnection with my confidence... as delusion. And they ground that into me until I believed it myself. And to this day... I can still feel those roots deep in my brain.

That's why I apologized for my family so much in the message. That message must have been sent after they turned on me. And I was apologizing to her, because I was trying to after-the-fact protect her from them. To apologize for anything my mother might have said to her, because I remember distinctly them having a private conversation the first time they met without me present... I was in the next room with my leg elevated all fucked up on Percoset transcribing music by ear. I remember it clear as day, I was transcribing Tides of Man for all instruments. And I have no idea what they talked about, but she left and never came back with no explanation very very shortly after that... like one or two days after that. And I have strong suspicions my mom might have played a part in that, still to this day. So yeah, I think that might've been a big motivator in why I sent that message... maybe that's when I connected the dots that she broke up with me right after I moved back home and right after she first met my family.

Anyway. Yeah. I guess... it turns out... the worst-case-scenario ghost memory in my head of me writing some nonsense incoherent babble to some poor woman who dated me for 8 months in college... That's kinda the ignorant take on what happened there. That was an extremely heartfelt letter I wrote to someone who literally changed my life, at an extremely pivotal time in my life. My first experience staring death in the face. And transitioning from college into the "real world". I don't take those things lightly. And I felt, because she was present at important times... that meant she was an important person in my life. Because... that's how kids who are raised with absent parents think. If my parent was present at this time, it means they were an important person at that time. Even if they were essentially a glorified background actor, rather than being supportive or nurturing. I truly believed back then that if someone was present in the room with me at the time of an important event, and wearing the uniform of someone important... that meant they were important to me. And in the years since, I have learned so fucking much more than that. I have learned that the standards I keep for myself in those roles... that's the standard I should hold others too as well. I would not sit there on my phone silently while my boyfriend faced a choice between likely death or amputation. But... at the time I wrote that letter, I hadn't received this insight yet. I was still in the mindset of "it was a blessing that you even showed up". She didn't even want to drive me to the hospital, and put up resistance when the paramedics at the festival we were at insisted she take me. God, so many red flags, in hindsight... XD

Wow... that was a really unexpected trip down memory lane. All because... I struggle to write emails, to make phone calls, to put in job applications. Because it brings me back to that time of my life... when I was more than willing to do all of those things. And I did. And I was pretty damn good at it. But people very close to me turned that against me... redirecting my deepest fears tracing back to my first series of panic attacks that failed me out of college... and turning them against me... to stop me in my tracks. To stop me from doing what I was doing. For whatever reason they had, that is still unknown to me. They turned me against myself, and I'm still weeding out that infection to this day.

That kinda makes the email I sent to the building manager last night seem like a titanic feat, doesn't it? I'm very proud of myself. I took most of the day to just chill and celebrate my accomplishments. I do need to figure out job stuff soon enough, but not today. I played a lot of Elden Ring and... I started playing around with making a bead-sanding machine out of wooden skewers and gorilla glue. It didn't quite work, I'm not an engineer, I've never really tried to build anything like this before. It was basically just a skewer with a hand crank glued to the end, so it has a right angle bar going off the end, then another right angle for a handle, and then I inserted the skewer end through a hollowed out larger wooden dowel as a support that was held in my vice. It turns, it does what it's supposed to do, but it was a bit too flimsy and didn't hold up to pressure very well. I ended up just sanding by hand, it ended up being easier. So... I kinda did work today. Because I built a simple wooden machine and sanded like 4-5 beads.

And I will need to try to heat-set the pants tonight, so I kinda need to go and do that. It got super late, it's definitely time for bed. (Hey, guess what? Haven't heard any thump-thumps tonight... Guess something changed up there...)

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness #ptsd

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valleyrunearchives · 2 years ago

Text

Binary

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Fandom: Boku No Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Pairings: Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Chapter 29/?

“Binary code is a series of zeroes and ones strung together in a specific sequence. On paper, it’s useless. Annoying. Worthless. But put that same string of zeroes and ones into a computer, and suddenly it’s a language far more complex than the human mind can comprehend. I was the same way. The world decided I wasn’t good enough in the physical plane, so I went digital. That’s why I chose the name Binary. And you should be very,” He smirks at the underground hero on the screen, “Very afraid of the reach I have here. Aizawa Shouta.”

Midoriya Izuku is tired of the world treating him like nothing. So he decides to becoming a hacker to show the world that nothing can be anything.

Featuring Midoriya Izuku as the Genius Hacker Aizawa Shouta as the problem child wrangler Yamada Hizashi as the moral support to his husband Tsukauchi Naomasa as the man who needs a long vacation PLEASE Shinsou Hitoshi as the intentionally adopted one Toga Himiko as the unintentionally adopted one Dabi as the really didn’t want to be adopted one but he guesses this is his life now and Nedzu as the Rat God of UA

Previous | First | Next

Click here to Read on AO3!

Dabi finishes straightening the collar of his shirt before stepping back to double check his outfit. He questions for a moment if it’s too much before deciding it should be fine. If they want him to tone it down some they’ll let him know today hopefully. He heads out of his room towards where his three gremlins of siblings are hanging out in the living room.

“Alright. I’m off to meet whichever hero they’re having me work with. Don’t burn the house down,” He passes the couch where Himiko and Hitoshi both are lying face down on it. He then turns to Izuku who’s curled up in the nearby armchair with a laptop - his newest edition of technology - asking him, “What’s up with them?”

“Assessment testing,” His youngest sibling replies.

Himiko’s head pops up at Dabi’s questioning hum, “IT SUCKS!”

“Seriously. We already fought literal tooth and nail to get into the school; Why do we have to do more testing now that we’re in?” Hitoshi complains into the couch cushion.

“UA’s different from regular high schools, guys,” Izuku calmly explains, tapping away at his laptop’s keyboard, “They cater learning plans to each specific student. The assessment testing is to see where you are in all the different subjects and occurs over a week’s time frame. After that, they’ll map out the best coursework load for each one of us. For example, if you do really well on the literature test, they’ll bump you up to a higher difficulty course load. It doesn’t mean you won’t be working on the same things as your classmates, it’ll just mean that the work will be a little bit more difficult. I’ve even heard that you can pass completely out of a class and be placed in a different one but that’s only happened like… six times since Nedzu became principal. Likewise, there’s also situations where people struggle a bit more with certain subjects and the course work needs to be a bit more simplified for the students.”

Hitoshi turns his head to glare at Izuku, “That makes sense… And I hate that it does!”

“Same!” Himiko mimics before flopping her face back down into the couch.

“Right… Anyway, I’m off and don’t know when I’ll be back. Again, don't burn the house down. Not like I expect you to but I feel like I should still say it. Just in case.” He gets to the front door before stopping and turning to shoot Izuku a harsh stare, “Wait a minute, are you doing something as Binary right now?”

Izuku pauses in what he’s doing before narrowing his eyes at him, “Would you be mad if I said yes?”

“A bit, yeah,” he says honestly with a bit of a shrug.

“Then, no,” Izuku says nothing more and turns back to his laptop.

“I’ll pretend like I believe you for my own sanity. Don’t get caught,” He grumbles before opening the door and leaving the house.

He shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks towards the hero agency office that the hiring company sent him over email. The walk is quiet, thankfully. No hero/villain standoffs happening nearby today. He’s grateful for it. Part of him also wishes for a cigarette with the permeating quiet around him; A terrible habitual wish anytime he gets the time to get too lost in his head. Luckily one he can shake off ever since he promised Himiko he wouldn’t smoke anymore after meeting her.

In a way, it makes him realize he already had a sibling again even before Izuku force adopted them off the streets.

He arrives at the address sent to him by the agency. He furrows his brows and pulls out his phone to double check the email. The address matches. Weird. This is a top agency if listening to Izuku’s mumble gossip is correct. Regardless, he shakes off the weird feeling and heads inside after putting his phone away.

The secretary at the front desk stands up with a smile, “You must be Dabi-san! The hiring agency let us know you were coming!”

“Uh, yeah. That’s me,” He rubs the back of his neck a bit awkwardly.

“Wonderful! You’re exactly as they described! I have a feeling you’ll be a good fit, Dabi-san!” They cover their mouth with a squeak of embarrassment, “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry! I’ve been calling you Dabi-san but that’s your first name isn’t it? I didn’t even ask for your permission! What’s your last name?”

“Uh- Dabi is fine,” He raises his hands up placatingly, “I… don’t really associate with my last name anymore anyway.”

“Oh.. well… good. Not good! I mean! Oh dear! I feel like I’m messing all this up. We just never really expected someone to take this job! And you’re quite a handsome man! So, y’know,” They giggle a bit awkwardly.

“Uh…” Oh jeez, he doesn’t do well with flirting… Is this even flirting or are they being nice? They’re just staring at him now. C’mon Dabi, act natural! “Thanks.”

Smooth…

“Let me call down the hero you’ll be working with!” They sit down and pick up the phone next to them.

Dabi stands in silence as he waits. He hopes this won’t be too long of one. He’s not that great at small talk. An elevator dings to the left of the desk.

And out steps the number three hero, Hawks.

Dabi blinks at him in shock as the blonde thanks the secretary for calling him down. Then he turns to Dabi with a smile. “So you’re the guy huh?” he greets.

Dabi must make some kind of agreeing noise because Hawks places his hand on his chin and does a quick sweeping glance at him. “When the agency described you, I almost thought they were kidding. Glad to see that they were actually telling the truth!”

Oh god, was that flirting? Was the number three hero flirting with him? No! No, surely not…

“Anyway, I’m Takami Keigo,” He continues, clueless to the inner turmoil occurring in Dabi’s head, “Outside of the office you’ll have to call me Hawks, of course. But Keigo’s fine when we’re here. What should I call you?”

“Ah - Dabi’s fine,” He near mutters.

“Great! You’ll be working in the office with me and I’ve got some things to discuss with me so I’ll take you up there!” Hawks - Keigo? - makes a motion for him to follow. Dabi does without complaint. They step into the elevator and the ride up is silent. It stays silent until Hawks gets to his desk in the middle of his very vast office. The blonde turns to lean against it and sighs a bit, “I’m actually really glad you were available to take this position. The HSC were getting onto me that if I didn’t pick someone that they would do it for me.”

“Oh, uh-”

“Also, uh… there was something else not listed in the job description…”

… What?

Hawks - Keigo?? What should he call him? - rubs the back of his neck with another sigh, “The position isn’t just to be a secretary for me. It’s for my best friend too. Rumi… you might know her as the Rabbit Hero: Miruko. She doesn’t have an agency of her own and, y’know, sometimes that’s a good thing! But she’s missing things like important PR conferences and guest appearances that are necessary for her hero career. I’ve been worried about her so I recommended to her that whoever I hire could potentially do her work as well. She agreed so long as it wasn’t anyone from the commission. I don’t blame her for that…”

“So wait, you want me to be a… ‘hero secretary’ to both you and Miruko?” Dabi asks for clarification.

He nods, “Yes. I can pay you extra, if you need!”

He raises his hands up to wave them in a brush off manner, “Oh, no! That’s not necessary! I just wanted to make sure I was understanding you right. I’m not really into this job for the money.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I’m just looking for something to do while my siblings are in school. I don’t want to be bored at the house by myself all day every day.”

“You live alone with your siblings?” Dabi nods in confirmation to Hawks’ - Keigo’s??? - question. “But you’re not worried about money? How are you able to afford things? Oh wait!” The blonde’s look of confusion changes to one of understanding before he leans over to him in a conspiratorial manner, “Are you a trust fund kid?”

“Um… Not exactly but something like that…” Actually his brother is just really good at playing the stock market and has been since the age of ten but the hero doesn’t need to know that.

The other man nods and straightens back up, “Gotcha. Well, that’s all I wanted to discuss with you for today. Tamami - the secretary at the front desk? - they already handled all the stuff that had to be done for today so if you want to come back tomorrow you can get started with us. Come in, say… nine? I’ll have Rumi meet us here so you can officially introduce yourself.”

Dabi easily agrees and Hawks - Keigo???? Seriously, what should he call this man!? - gives him a smile and walks him to the door of the office. “Hey, uh,” He turns his head back to look at the other at the sound of his voice. The blonde is smiling softly with a hand on the door, “I just wanted to thank you. I’m really happy you took the job. I’m also really glad that the agency wasn’t kidding about your appearance. It suits you!” He gives him a wink and a smirk, “See you tomorrow then!”

“See you,” Dabi says back, watching as he closes the door. Then he turns his face back to the front, his mind reeling.

What just happened? And what did he get himself into?

#bnha #bnha fanfic #bnha fanfiction #mha fanfic #mha fanfiction #hacker!izuku midoriya #izuku midoryia #bnha dabi #bnha shinso hitoshi #himiko toga #bnha hawks

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russellsppttemplates · 2 years ago

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You mean the world to me (Mick Schumacher)

Insecurities get the best of Y/N and, while Mick is on holiday, a media post makes her wonder

Note: english is not my first language. I know this has taken me so so so long to write but time just has been very tricky and I can't seem to juggle it all!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated, and while I'm not actively taking requests, I am writing some blurbs when I can (honestly, it's a very rare thing these days) so if you have any ideas or concepts that can be written in a small amount of sentences and you want to share, feel free to do so!

Tw: mentions anxious symptoms, feelings of being unworthy/insecurities

"Are you sure there isn't a way you can join?", Mick asked, looking at your calendar app with you by his side, "no, I mean, there's these two days here but that would be the travelling alone. I'd get there and spend 24 hours maximum with you before having to hop on a plane back home to be at this client", you pointed, "That's true, yes", he said before rubbing his forehead, "so you're not joining, it sucks, but is is what is is, I guess".

"I'm sorry I can't go, I'd really like to, but with all of this in my schedule and the distance I would have to travel, it just doesn't make sense. We'll do it together another time", you offered, squeezing his other hand that was on top of the table and helping him balance his body, "sure".

"Hi, liebling, how are you?", Mick asked over the phone, the noise on his side of the line contrasting with the quietness of your shared home on your end of the line, "I've been good, tired, but at least things are progressing well at work, seems like they finally understand that when we have meetings, we can actually get things done if they stop talking about everyone's business", you giggled, hearing a faint smile in Mick's voice, "I'm glad you're okay. We are actually going on a boat now, I'm not sure how good the service is once we leave so I'm calling you now", he explained, leaving you to talk a bit more before he had to depart, "wish you were here, liebling. As soon as you're able, I'm getting you here with me. Hopefully soon, yeah?".

Your work meetings had actually been productive for once, not making you regret the decision to stay home while Mick travelled. All of the pictures he would send you of him and his friends showed him having a great time, which you were happy about, knowing that that quality time was well deserved.

What you did not see pictures of was the article that had popped in your browser. It was by far something you did on a regular basis, but by some reason or another, you opened the article stating what you could only interpret as a mean, mean joke. As you scrolled down, allegations that Mick had been seen with someone else, "fondly flirting" as the article read, started gaining force and body, different blurry pictures and supposed witnesses' reports filling the page while your mind filled with worries. That was not something you had ever considered, after all you trusted your boyfriend completely, but you couldn't stop the thoughts or shake away the possibility of that actually being true. What evidence did you have? An article that could well be false and just a poor attempt at meddling in your private life, but pair that up with the feelings of uneasiness you had since you couldn't join Mick in the trip and your mind couldn't let the idea go. Tears fell from your eyes as your knee bounced under your desk, your hand shaking as you managed to close the Internet page while your thoughts repeatedly made you doubt. It wouldn't be the first time you heard something like that, after all, relationships come and go, and did Mick have any reason to look for someone else? You both had always agreed that from the moment it didn't feel right to any of you, you would talk to eachother to see a way to solve it, and if you didn't have a way to solve it other than break up, that would be it. Had Mick skipped the first step of the agreement? Or had he tried to talk to you about it and you didn't see where he was at already? Had you been so blind to it? So lost in your thoughts, you didn't even notice Mick arriving back with Angie from their walk until you felt Angie's paws on your lap, asking to get up and snuggle you like she had done many times while you felt like this.

"Angie, do you want some water or so-oh. Y/N, are you okay? What happened?", Mick asked, his hand coming to tub your back as Angie placed her head in your chest area, the weight helping you regulate your unsteady breathing, "Y/N, hey, hey, you're okay, my love. Everything's fine, okay?", he urged you to follow his voice, something that always calmed you, and your heart panged a little bit more. He was the one that knew how to calm you down, but maybe there would be a day where it wouldn't be him, where he would have enough of the way you preferred things and leave you behind, and maybe that day was today. Letting out a big deep sigh, you looked up at your boyfriend's blue eyes, "you know I will never judge you, especially for anything you've done when I don't know the reasons behind it but... what are your intentions here? You know you can be honest with me, Mick", you asked, your lips trembling slightly.

Mick was confused, not understanding where the conversation came from and where it was leading, "what do you mean, Y/N? I know I can be honest with you, I am honest with you. Did I do something to make you doubt that?", he wondered gently, "have you seen something that made you doubt that?", he said as his expression hardened slightly, his jaw locked as he waited for an answer.

Grabbing your phone, you typed in the page you had seen the low quality pictures, "this popped up today", you said, offering him your phone so he could scroll and see for himself, his eyebrows quirking up as he read the words on the screen, "and you believe this?", he said after what felt like an eternity, "is that why you're doubting me?", and while his words and tone stung, your mind could inly list why he would leave you.

"I don't want to, I really don't want to believe in them, but my mind always comes back to them, to the words, and I can't shake them off", you said, your voice little as you looked at him, "so you believe what they are saying?", Mick confirmed, trying to get to the root of the problem, "Liebling, I'm with you, and I don't want to be with anyone else", he said calmly, trying to get you to embrace his body as he stretched his arms, your immediate reaction making your wrap your arms around yourself to control the shaking of your body, even pushing Angie a bit to the side.

"This may be what you want now, but what about a day where you realise you're bored of me and leave me?", you whispered, the tears that were caught on your throat flowing freely now as you looked at Mick while keeping a safe distance from him, "what? Y/N, no, no, no, no. Y/N, I'll never do that to you, never. Don't you trust me?", he asked, the gentleness in his voice leaving slowly, "I trust you, Mick. But it's so hard, I-, I'm reminded of how different I am from everyone else around you, everyday, how I don't have the same they have, and-, and how do I know that?", you questioned as you wiped the tears on your face. Your boyfriend looked at you with uncertainty, "Y/N, I promise that whatever is going on in your head is not the truth. I love you, I have loved you and I'm going to continue to do so", he tried to reason, "If we're not on the same page, we are just wasting out time in this relationship", Mick said and it felt like a dagger through the heart. But it hurt even more because you knew it was the truth. How could you both be in a relationship like that?

Looking at the garden, you tried your best to deal with your emotions and the thoughts running through your head, "I can't talk right now, I'm sorry. I'm tired, I'm afraid I'll say things I'll regret later and I don't want to do that, I don't want to do that to you", you said getting up and heading to the home office, not before hearing a muttered "I love you" from Mick, feeling himself that prolonging the argument would only lead to worse than it had.

You must have fallen asleep in your chair, the small pain in your neck allowing you to come to your senses quickly, your mind also not giving you a break before your mind filled with thoughts, the same ones you've had for a while. Truth being told, you had been feeling unworthy of Mick for a bit. How everyone around him always seemed to have time to go on his adventures, how they loved to be in groups and how you did not fit in the type everyone seemed to think the young driver deserved.

Heading to the kitchen, you looked at the time on the oven to see that it was just past dinner time, not seeing anything that indicated that Mick had the meal already. While you waited for the water to boil so you could make some tea, your hands tapped on the counter, Mick's words from before getting to you. Were you going to call it? Especially like this? Were you on different pages? Did he think you didn't deserve him either? All thoughts spiralled, the kettle long forgotten as you started to feel tingles on your legs, almost like you were incapable of standing on them, making your rest your back on the wall, letting your body slide slowly until your butt hit the floor while your lungs felt like they couldn't get enough air inside them.

You closed your eyes, trying to regulate your breathing as best as you could when you felt the floor vibrate almost, the feeling not getting enough time to be processed as another texture caught your senses, soft fur along your arms before you felt what you recognised as Angie's tongue lick your cheek, her snout later making you tilt your chin upwards while you heard your boyfriend's voice, "Liebling, Y/N, liebling, hey...! Breathe for us, yeah?", Mick said as you tried your best to follow his voice and block out everything else, looking for his hand to hold while Angie managed to lay on top of your legs.

"That's it, nice and slow, very good. You're doing so good, my love, so good", Mick said as he rubbed your knuckles, "big, deep breath, just like I'm doing", waiting to see some colour come back to your face and for you to return back to a normal breathing pattern, the tears now concerning him, "what's the matter?", he said gently, "are you going to break up with me?", you forwarded, "just be honest, it is a yes or no question", you yelped.

Shaking his head and himseld out of his stance, Mick sat in front of you, "Y/N, I'm not breaking up with you", he clarified, "I understand now that the way I said it was not the best, but we need to talk it out. But to me it doesn't mean that, not until we fight for it, fight for us", he smiled softly, seeing you calm down almost totally, your hands a little shaky still while the Australian Shepherd looked up at you, "your head is heavy, miss Angie", you chuckled, finally feeling her head on your legs.

Helping you get up once you felt strong enough to do so, Mick handed you a cup of water and let you drink it, watching you closely before grabbing your hand, "can we talk about it?", he said, "I don't want you to feel worse, but I don't like to be like this with you either", he explained while you nodded in agreement, squeezing his hand in yours as you walked to the sofa in the living room.

"First, I want to apologise for what I said. I know that I said it and I can't undo it, I know it hurt you, and that is something I never want to do, ever", Mick started, "so, I'm sorry, Y/N", he looked into your eyes, "but, like I said, I want us to talk about it because I feel like that will be how we understand what is going on", he encouraged you.

Gulping, you fiddled with his fingers, "I feel like, sometimes, I'm not what you deserve", you started, "like you could do so much better", you were interrupted by him, "I'm sorry for not noticing you were feeling like this", Mick said, "It's not your fault", you said, looking around the room, "I get insecure about it. That you'll leave. About how I am different than the rest of your friends' and their partners, how I can't go on all these trips because I have work, how I'll never look like the beautiful women that surround you everywhere and that support you around the world, but I also know that you love me just like that and would never make me change who I am, it's just the articles, it messed me up, I'm sorry too", you whispered, your voice cracking fully as the tears left your eyes, Mick's hand stretching to wipe them.

"You mean the world to me, Y/N. You're the most beautiful woman out there and I only care about you. And I want to see you thrive, wether it is in work or other things, I want to see you happy and be the luckiest man in the world that gets to be loved by you, to see you be an even better person everyday", he said as he looked at your lips, "I want you to be with me on trips and adventures, sure, but I will never ask you to drop everything you have and come with me just for that", he mused, "and I would never ever do anything like that to you, nothing they wrote ever crossed my mind. I love you too much to every hurt you like that, and it bothered me that you considered it. I now understand why, so", he kissed the top of your head before looking back at you, eye to eye, "anytime you have these doubts, you can come and talk to me. And I mean it. I'll make sure to remind you everyday of how much I love you and how you mean the world to me", he smiled, seeing a sparkle in your eyes, "Thank you for being so understanding", you said, "I love you, Mick", you smiled, "so so so much", before locking your lips with his, Angie wagging her tail around you, "are you doing that because you want some food?".

#mick schumacher imagine #mick schumacher fic #mick schumacher x reader #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic

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