#and honestly its horrifying because he was a nice person to me

[vampir3sfall]

I don't mean to derail op's post but I understand that many people think that rape is an unforgivable crime and probably punished by the death penalty. That doesn't mean that the entire US justice system should work based on how some people think. This also reminds me when I found out that a coworker of mine who was my friend had been raping his sibling. When I told my therapist about it, she said 'I hope he gets the help that he needs". Not "I hope he goes to prison" or "I hope he dies" or any other vengeful thing, but hoping that he could get the help he needed to not do that again and change as a person. But if (and likely when) he goes to prison, he won't be getting the help he needs. No one who goes to prison for rape gets the help that they need. The prison system either creates a)people who will sit forever in our system taking up our tax dollars without ever actually changing or doing anything or b) people who get out of prison and do it again. While I would be horrified and disgusted if I saw this person again, something else that fucked him up happened to him, and caused him to take it out on other people. How would putting him in prison help that? What happens when he gets out of prison and sees his sibling again? While I don't have the answers I know that making him sit in prison is not going to help him actually change in any way.

Extremely tired of ppl tryna dunk on prison abolition by being like "well what are we gonna do with all the rapists then huh"

[prettyboykatsuki]

okay fr what do you think scara is like in bed? what’s he into, what’re his kinks, the whole shebang?

modern scaramouche hc's

✭ tags ; sub!chara, dom!reader (they bottom but parts are unspecificed so gn!reader as well), this is also my modern!scaramouche take so just be aware, bratting, rough sex, slapping, hitting, a lil degradation, reader is v careful abt scaramouches boundaries tho, romantic implications reader is stronger than scara + he is short king, etc

✭ wc ; 2.1k (im soooo ashamed. anon im so sorry)

✭ a/n ; this got so out of hand so quickly. this is my personal scaramouche this has nothing to do with anyone but me and my delusions sorry in advance.

like really. cant describe how subjective this is but i also refuse to change my mind or see him any other way. thank u so much for inquiring

my modern scaramouche is usually aged like. 20-something in college. he goes to a nice university (a very competitive school mind you.) he was really concerned about excelling for like most of his hs career. kind of a loner except tartaglia who adopted him into his friend group.

he panics about his degree for the longest time cause he doesn't know what to do - but settles on civil architecture and minors in fine art.

he has his ears pierced and some other piercings too that he was peer pressured into, but overall likes how they look. he's not usually very dressed up and all of his closet is so oversized because comfort > fashion BUT he never looks like a slob either.

has like 3 other friends on campus (kazuha + mona + childe who somehow followed him there)

complicated relationship with his mom + stepmom (he doesn't hate her but they do not communicate so tons of misunderstandings between them. like sooo many)

and. usually not actively looking to date anyone ever. he had like one crush one time in highschool but chickened out so miserably and SEETHED about it the whole time.

after that he swore to never, ever, ever go back to that dark place and sort of just focused on his career and school. his major is pretty difficult so it takes a lot of his time

plus he's a little pretentious, stuck up little shit so only a few people can handle him in the first place.

anyways. u meet through tartaglia who thinks you two will get along really well (and he's trying to set you both up bc he thinks you two could work well together)

its honestly like oil and water. you're personality just rubs him the wrong way. sure childe is annoying, but he's stupid

you're...not stupid. you're kind of clever and you treat him with like. a sense of disrespect he hates. scaramouche is used to people who let him have the upperhand

but you're always pretty quick to shoot him down. you never let him him get away with anything and you guys have this like... insane back and forth for months

its the slowest of burns. he swears he hates you.

(he doesn't though. he thinks its really fucking attractive that you talk back to him and don't let him intimidate you ever. but he loathes that feeling. he also loathes how nice your laugh is and how easy it is to talk to you)

scaramouche spends. AGES. ages in denial. closes his eyes to it. its like 6 months deep into it - he starts having wet dreams and he wakes up HORRIFIED with himself.

WORSE? scaramouche knows about your sex life. not through you but through observation and gossip. he's not fucking you in the dreams. you're fucking him.

humiliated, he simply tries to ignore it. but it's making him so much moody than usual and because you two spend so much time together - you notice almost right away. of course you do.

"whats got your panties in a twist lately? not that you're usually sunshine and rainbows but you're acting like a little kid"

scaramouche says something mean. like, really mean in response. he's just so frustrated. its a personal jab, farther than he'd usually go.

he's expecting to sabotage himself you know? he does that sometimes. pushes people away when they get too close. it's a miracle he has any friends. he's expecting you to get annoyed and leave.

but there's this like. chill to your voice. and you're looking straight at him.

"you don't talk to me like that, understand? i don't care how shitty your mood is."

one hit k.o. he can't even breathe. what's wrong with him and what is happening to him, and holy shit why do you sound like that.

"sorry," he apologizes (him. he's apologizing first) "just. frustrating,"

and you immediately slink back to your usual self. and he's relieved and a little excited and just overall restless because he can't stop thinking about what just happened.

"it's fine. i like being on your ass or whatever but it's bothering me that you're so moody. maybe you really do need to get laid,"

the joke is one you often to make. it's meant to lighten the mood. but scaramouche is feeling pent-up and horny and that's kind of exactly what he needs

"s-shut up. it's not like you're going to do it,"

internally he's hoping you take the bait. he is equal parts horrified and excited watching you take in the information. you give him a lazy smile as you sit up and look at him.

"huh. do you...want me to do it?"

oh dear god. oh fuck.

"so what if i did?"

and then you laugh, which he can't decipher. he's gearing himself to be made fun of. he watches you with big wide yes as you come sit on the desk near him. feels your fingers trail his jaw and tilt his head up and holy shit he might really die.

he can barely look up at you.

"is that why you've been acting weird for last couple of weeks?" your voice is so smug and scaramouche is so turned on it's stupid. he hates it. hates himself. hates everything

"shut up,"

and then, you grab his chin. really make him look at you and it's startling but he doesn't pull away. you look gleeful.

"that why you've been running with your tail between your legs when you see me?" you hum, your eyes almost predatory "cause you want me to fuck you?"

its times like this scaramouche he could be honest. because that's exactly what he wants, but he hates having to say it.

"as if you could satisfy me," he says, instead. your eyes widen, and it takes you a minute to register it all in your head.

"you're such a fucking brat," you say, light. affectionate, really. it makes his heart pump "you think i can't?"

"i'd like to see you try," he says, absolutely and utterly in disbelief internally. you grin.

"can i kiss you?"

"why're you asking?"

"cause im an asshole, not a villain,"

you and scaramouche makeout in a study room before he decides to to get ahold of himself and invites you into his dorm. he's never been so thankful in his life that his roomate is gone.

when you get scaramouche into bed - it really dawns on him how out of his element he is. he's not a virgin - a few awkward and usually bad hook-ups in his repertoire.

but you're not like them. he's bitey and on edge but you handle him. ask for permission for little things, clarifications for what he's okay with. you're thoughtful, despite how much he's lashing out.

and it's turning scaramouche so much he doesn't know how to handle it other than doing it again. he wants to provoke you so much. he wants to put him in his place over and over.

it's mid makeout he pulls away, frustration all-welled up inside him that he asks. he's hard and needy and needs something to get him off.

"i knew you were all talk," he sneers, putting as much of himself in it as he can "this is nothing,"

you look at him very seriously "you're really asking for it, huh," you say with a sigh "do you know what you're getting into?"

"nothing serious obviously,"

"usually when i deal with brats like you, i treat 'em real rough. im being nice to you cause you're so pent up, but it's like you don't want that," you grab his face again, getting close and personal this time and scaramouche feels like he'll collapse "want me to treat you mean and put you in your place? hit you and make you cry?"

oh it ruins his life. that's exactly what he wants. what he needs from you so much it aches. so much he chokes.

"wh-what the hell are-"

but you make him face forward, look you in your eyes.

"your first lesson is answer me when i talk to you. is that what you want? you can nod if you can't say it,"

so he nods and you laugh.

"yeah? should smack the brat outta you shouldn't i?

you're asking for permission. despite his everything, there's something affectionate about it. he feels his stomach twist with desire.

"just fucking do it already,"

"tell me if you need to stop,"

"i said—"

it's unceremonious, really. when scaramouche feels the palm of your hands on his cheek, landing heavy and hard as you push him back against the bed. you hit him.

he liked it. makes his cock throb in his fucking jeans, feeling the sting.

"your second lesson is don't fucking mouth at me," you practically spit. there's some roughness in your actions that make scaramouche keen as you crawl on top of him "can't even deal with your moods without lashing out."

scaramouche feels his stomach churn as your hands make rough work of him. you pin his wrists over his head, tell him to keep it there.

and of course he refuses, disobeys - gets to feel how strong you actually are when you spit the words back in his face again to hold fucking still.

scaramouche keeps doing it. keeps pushing until you have to put him back where he belongs forcibly. he doesn't know that he's doing it

but he wants something he can't name, a desire that aches so deep in his chest. he wants you to take responsibility for him - like a promise of some kind.

he likes the way your mouth feels on his skin. your teeth feel so good sinking into pale flesh. the scratch of your nails and sting of your palms as you spank and hit and push his body.

you manhandle him so fucking easily, putting him in every position you can think of. on his knees, or his back - naked and waiting.

you tease scaramouche till he's honest, your voice coarse until he starts giving in.

you're so good with your hands. your fingers, your mouth. you know just the right things to get him all squirmy - praising him when he's getting desperate towards the end.

his sense of shame nowhere to be found as he gets close to the edge. as you tip him over it, he can feel all the tension bleed out of him. goes from bitching, to whiny - needy and not above begging.

he doesn't even understand it. can't wrap his head around it all the way - lets you guide him through the feeling as he starts feeling pliant.

you let him fuck you with mercy. don't make him work for it, just sit on his cock and tell him that he looks so much better when he's all messed up for you and he just. melts completely. like feels like he's gonna fall through the floor.

he cries when he cums. sobs a little as he finally gets relief then melts into your bed like a pile of wet sand as you finish yourself off and overstimulate him a little in the process.

after all is said and done - he falls asleep basically immediately after the high.

when he wakes up the next day - you haven't left. he's like kind of nuzzled up in your arms (which. is wild bc he has always hated physical touch but? apparently not with you)

when you stir awake, you're immediately whistling. you even press a kiss to his forehead and brush his hair out of his face.

"you awake? feel okay?" you hum, so stupidly tender and scaramouche has to fight every urge to push you away.

"im...fine. you're still here," he says unhelpfully. you chuckle.

"yeah. figured you would start spiraling if i left in the middle of the night"

he is horrified at the accuracy.

"it's weird when you're being all...nice to me,"

"its a lot easier since i realize you just wanted to be put in your place," you say with a knowing him. scaramouche elbows you "it's cute, it's cute. don't kill me,"

"you're annoying,"

"yeah, i know. i wiped you down a bit but we should shower and i gotta make sure you're not too hurt anywhere,"

"i'm not a flower,"

"i was bein' pretty rough and its my job to take care of you,"

"why would that be your job?"

"cause im a responsible sexual partner and we're seeing each other, i figure?"

he flushes at the implication. he doesn't want to think about it as he cuddles himself into your side. ugh. whatever.

"who said that?"

"do you want me to see other people?"

"i'll kill you,"

"that's what i thought,"

scaramouche hates it but does not have the confidence to protest you.

scaramouche realizes with the weight of the world on his shoulders that he is the most submissive brat in the fucking world

he decides not to think about it for a while

[p0rkbun]

APACHE TEARS┊❝Happy Birthday.❞ Chapter 01

─ Sam Carpenter x OC

Synopsis: Alexis forgets her birthday, but she didn't forget to visit her childhood best friend.

Content warnings: bad writing, slow burn, mention of being chased by a dog, original characters, not proofread, other than that there's nothing too serious.

Word count: 3.4k

Before Alexis left Woodsboro, she lived her childhood in the town that was known for its murders in the 90s. Something like that—you don’t expect to live an ordinary life, would you?

A very slim chance you would have a life with no mishaps in a town like that. Even though it has been eleven years since the last murders happened, some crimes occur every now and then. People doing drugs, accidents, assaults, attempted murder, and more. Despite these occurrences, Alexis had gone on with her life, trying to avoid anything that might make her life miserable, and she did. She was smart enough to avoid anything suspicious, including not answering calls from strangers, not going out late at night, having protection, and knowing when someone is planning to mug you.

It was common sense; even a half-brain would know this!

But Alexis wasn’t lucky. Her efforts were all in vain, because not even intuition could stop any misfortune sent to her. Not only did she never felt safe, but she never had any expectations for her own solace.

One day, she caught a blue butterfly around the playground when she was a young girl. The insect had beautiful blue wings—not something you’d see every day—along with its rapid wings that Alexis almost failed to keep up with. The young girl stared at the insect with interest and fascination, wanting to take it home. She didn't, since she knew keeping a butterfly would not last, so she released the creature.

It wasn’t long until a stray and horrifying dog plunged its canine teeth onto the butterfly, ripping its small wings in an instant. The wrecked beauty was nowhere to be seen, already evaporated and chewed by the rabid animal.

Alexis only stared in shock before she took off, frantically fleeing from the dog chasing the poor girl.

Before she knew it, the memories of her first sight of horror were nothing but a faint memory that left her story of how she has cynophobia. Thinking about it now, she thought about how easily a dog can rip a small creature to shreds, thus scaring another one. It was the same thing with humans.

You can easily take someone’s life; for what cause? For your own survival? Pleasure? Revenge? A relief for your buried anger erupting within yourself?

No matter the reasons, the act of killing someone was immoral and will always be something that’s kept with you until the day you breathe your last breath. Even after death.

Years went by in the blink of an eye. Alexis was no longer a little girl but a drowsy looking freshman in college in Modesto, California. She felt like going back to her dorm to sleep, feeling regret seeping in after she accepted the offer from a friend to hang out.

“Aw you already cut your hair? Lame, I already miss your long hair." The charming-looking boy gives Alexis a teasing grin. “You told me to do something new for myself, didn’t you?” Alexis replies with a sigh to Jesse.

Jesse was the first person she met when she moved to Modesto for her college, he was smiley and handsome-looking, and he knew how to dress neatly even for casual hangouts. Coincidentally, the boy was assigned as her roommate. If you met him, he’d be someone with a bit of an obnoxious exterior, but he’s not a bad guy. He’s pretty considerate, Alexis honestly had thoughts of him liking her because of how abnormally nice he is, the other part is him possibly being an asshole underneath that grin. Not the case; however, he's just... slow sometimes.

“Yeah but I didn’t know you were gonna cut your hair!” He exclaimed, “Dude, everybody was literally telling you how long and pretty your hair looked, they’re gonna be devastated if they see you now.” Alexis glances at Jesse “I’m sure it’s not that serious. It’s a matter of time anyway. I don’t know why I kept my hair that long, I feel so much light now.” 

“Really? Did having long hair feel heavy?” Jesse asks with genuine curiosity.

“Of course it does,” Alexis said, her face contorted with irritation. “Could you leave the questions later? Where are we even going?” Jesse lets out a sheepish chuckle at the girl’s response.

“Okay, alright! C’mon grumps” He held Alexis’ sleeve and led her to wherever their destination was.

She didn’t pay attention to where Jesse led her; in an instant, they were at a small shop. The sign was detailed in black, and the exterior was full white. They both stepped in and met with the sight of accessories and items. All of them are for school, studying, or just for looking nice via keychains, pins, desk lamps, and more.

“Woah, i didn’t know they had something like this here,” Alexis says with surprise. She looks back up to Jesse “Is this some kind of thing you’re doing to get a date with me?” Jesse snorts. “No way! I know you’re not into me.” 

“Then what’s the occasion?”

"C'mon, Al, it’s your birthday!” Alexis blinks at him.

“....It is?” The younger girl thinks, and finally realization hits her. "Shit, I forgot...”

Jesse lets out a small laugh and nudges her arm “That’s kinda funny, how’d you forget your own birthday? Did you not celebrate a lot?” Before Alexis could answer him, Jesse drags her to a shelf and picks out a keychain of a cute looking brown bear. “Cute, right?”

She stares at the pin, rubbing the surface a bit as she inspects it. "Yeah," she mumbles, a wave of nostalgia washing over her. “Weird…I remember getting something like this on my birthday.” The taller boy hums. “A pin?” Alexis shakes her head lightly. "No, the bear.” Jesse stared at her with a perplexed look before he spoke, and his words made Alexis laugh. “You got a bear for your birthday?”

“No, it was a..." Her voice trails before she hums as she tries to recall what it was that reminded her of years ago. 

"Actually, I’m not so sure.”

“Happy birthday!” A young girl exclaims with a small gift box in her hands. Ten-year-old Alexis accepts the gift by taking it in her hands. She lifts her head to look at her friend. “You remembered my birthday?” The girl nods and smiles.

Tara was Alexis’ friend, her first and best friend, and she still is as she grows older. She met Tara at the playground when they were about six or seven. Alexis was a year older than Tara, but that didn’t change their close relationship with one another. Tara was the only friend who wanted to talk to her and hang out with her almost every day. 

“How could I forget?” She giggles; she holds Alexis’ hand while walking her back into the house. “You got me a bracelet a few months ago when it was my birthday; I wanted the both of us to match!” She beams with happiness when she sees Alexis’ small smile. “But that bracelet was pretty expensive; how’d you manage to buy the same one?” This causes the shorter girl to stammer a bit. "Well….I kinda begged Sam to buy it."

“Tara!”

“What?” Alexis sighs at her. This girl…

“Why’d you have to bother your sister?” She puts the bracelet on her wrist. The bracelet had small fake pearls on it, along with the green-colored string. Honestly, Alexis would consider it a scam since it was too expensive for its looks; it looked pretty, but it didn’t match the price. She only realized that after buying the thing. “It’s fine! Sam didn’t mind, i think...  besides she likes you; she even bought you your favorite soy milk on the way home.” Tara says this and hands her friend a soy milk box.

Alexis looks at the box and feels a small burst of joy in her heart. She rarely gets to see Sam, her best friend’s older sister, but she always made her feel comfortable when they were together. She found the older girl cool and sweet; she was a little quiet and scary at times, but it felt nice knowing Sam didn’t mind her. Things have been different for the last year for some reason. She was more distant, but that wasn’t weird for Alexis; she knew people change and get busy sometimes.

Alexis sends Tara an appreciative look before speaking “Could you tell her thanks?”

Tara frowns at the girl. “Hey! You didn’t say ‘thank you’ to me!” She huffs.

“Thank you, you brat.” Alexis rolls her eyes and receives a pinch from Tara for her response. “Ouch stop!” She hisses and pinches Tara back, earning a squeal from the shorter girl. “Ow! I got you a gift and this is what you repay me?!” Alexis dodged Tara’s hand when she tried to pinch her again.

The two ran back to Alexis’ house while giggling and squealing; it wasn’t rare when Tara visited her house. She seems to like being there more than her own home, especially nowadays. Alexis always got her to watch movies or play together.

Alexis snaps out of her daydream and finds herself resting her head on the desk. Memories of her childhood lives fresh in her mind; the ones she could remember vividly were with her best friend. The only memories she wished she could have visited again, being a kid again at least. Everything used to feel so much lighter. Only now, Alexis didn’t wake up and rode her bike around the neighborhood without any worries. Everything was so different; she feels like it was yesterday when she was spending most of her time watching horror movies and hanging out with her best friend. Crazy huh? You never thought time would pass so fast.

The next thing you were a happy kid, not knowing much about the world, until you grew up feeling bitter about things. Sometimes you wish you were a dumb kid who doesn’t know any better again.

Tara sent you a message.

Tara ♥️: Happy birthday lexi

Tara ♥️: I wish I got you something :( I know you’re busy and stuff. You gonna come to visit?

Alexis smiles at the text.

Lex: Yeah I will dw

Lex: Now stop being sad, be ready tmr Im gonna visit my dad first before you

Tara ♥️: Im not first? Wowww i thought im your first in everything. Finally over your best friend huh

Lex: Cmon you know I love you, I just love my dad more

Tara ♥️: You’re an asshole come quick before i hate you forever

Lex: You won’t

On the other side of the screen, Tara's lips curled into a bright smile. After a few months, she finally got to see her best friend again. It hasn’t been long, but it felt like a while for Tara, and it made her anxious. Alexis knew Tara wouldn’t like this distance between them, especially after…

No, let’s not.

But Alexis didn’t have a choice nonetheless; her dad didn’t want her in that town, and deep inside, she agreed with him. She could have brought Tara with her, but she doesn’t really have the requirements currently. So they both settled, visiting Tara once or twice every few months until she could kidnap her and put her in her pocket to live with her in Modesto. Doing it in a friendly way, of course.

Before leaving, Alexis decides to take a trip to the convenience store to buy some things for her ride. Driving came to mind, but she brushed it off, thinking it was too much of a hassle, and decided to take the bus instead.

Upon arriving at the store and stepping in, her mind wonders as she browses through the shelves, picking up a drink and a small snack. She thinks about how Tara’s been doing without her for the past few months. Alexis had the tendency to worry about the younger girl, even if she had others with her back at Woodsboro. Her thought was cut short when another person came to mind.

“hm…I wonder where Sam is and how she’s doing now.” She mumbles to herself; eventually, she purchases her drink and snack before exiting the store to wait for the bus.

How long has it been since Alexis saw Sam? She doesn’t know; she forgot when the older girl disappeared so suddenly. How did she even feel? She doesn’t remember.

With each passing day, Alexis would sometimes wonder what Sam was doing. Probably living her life peacefully without any disquietude. Or not.

The sound of a text message makes her stop halfway to the bus station. Alexis pulls out her phone to see Jesse’s message pop up.

Hey sorry but I left something somewhere and I’m a bit busy right now to get it.

I know you’re going to visit your family today but could you get my headphones and hold on to them for a while until you get back? Its at the bowling alley, you know, the one next to the gas station. Thanks 😀

This little…

Whatever, only 15 minutes remain until the bus arrives. This wouldn’t be so bad; make it really quick.

Alexis jogs to the bowling alley and enters through the door while receiving a greeting from a tall girl at the desk. “Welcome to Cardinal Lanes; how may I help you?” As Alexis approaches the desk, she takes in the tall girl’s appearance for a moment.

She was tall and had her black hair with brown highlights tied into a bun. Her eyes were dark brown, and she had tan skin, along with a rather expressionless face when Alexis entered, but a small smile formed on her face to be appealing and polite.

"Hi, sorry, a friend of mine left something here. Headphones with light-green and grayish colors?” Alexis rushed, not wanting to miss the bus; her voice was breathless from running.

The tall girl nods. “Oh yeah sure, I think I know what you’re talking about. Wait for a moment, miss.” She disappears into the back room for a moment before coming back with Jesse’s headphones.

“Here–” Alexis cuts her off, “Thanks so much—sorry I’m in a rush." She takes the headphones from her and pauses to look up at the woman.

Alexis can’t help but feel sympathy for the stranger; she looked tired as if she’s been working all day every day. Yet she tried to put on an expression to look winsome for the place’s policy and pleasing customer service—something like that.

A rush of thoughts swirled in Alexis’ mind. Funny how she was in a rush, but for some reason she wanted to make this stranger’s day a bit better. This always happens; at the most critical moments, most times, Alexis has this thing of wanting to cheer a stranger up when she sees them down. She knew she needed to mind her own business about whatever miserable thing was going on with somebody unknown to her in their lives. But would you cheer up this tall, pretty, and downhearted-looking girl even if you’re in a rush?

Shit what the hell do I do? What am I doing? I don’t have any time for this. But she looks kinda sad. What the hell…okay stop staring at her like a weirdo.

The tall girl furrows her brows in confusion at Alexis, feeling a bit anxious and flustered at this random Asian girl staring in silence.

“Is there something wrong, Miss?” She asks while her dark brown eyes linger on Alexis.

Alexis blinks and averts her gaze for a split second. “Um yeah, sorry uh…” She stammers before swiftly pulling out a bear pin that she bought that morning and placing it firmly in the stranger’s hands. “Sorry uhm, here’s something of my gratitude for your service—thanks again, bye!” Before she could reply anything back, Alexis had already bolted out of the bowling alley.

The bowling alley attendant frowns at what just happened. She looks at the pin in her hands, her expression puzzled. Weird girl…. she thought. Unknown to Alexis, she probably made someone’s day a little better with her small act of kindness.

Upon arriving at Woodsboro, Alexis feels a sense of familiarity with the town. As much as she doesn’t like it, she misses some of the aspects of the place.

Throughout the ride, Alexis felt the need to jump out of the bus and into a ditch because of her awkwardness earlier. Being back at the place where she grew up took her mind off that for a while.

“Hey dad,” Alexis says to the phone with a bright smile, feeling excited to see her father again after months.

“Lexi? Honey, hey, how are you?” Dewey’s voice was heard through the phone, his soft tone making Alexis smile wider.

“I’m doing fine; I’m visiting you today.” Silence fell momentarily; this made Alexis a little nervous before Dewey spoke again.

“Honey…I told you not to come here.” He sighs through the phone, making Alexis feel a little guilty. “I know but I just wanted to see you." She responded as she walked along the sidewalk; it still brightened out as the sunlight hit Alexis’ face, causing her to squint. “I’m only visiting for a few days; I’m planning to stay at Tara’s house.”

“Oh Alexis…  you know I don’t like that.”

“What’s wrong? I thought you like Tara?” Her response causes him to exhale deeply. "You have to understand that even though I like her and she’s nice for you, I find it difficult to get a good night's sleep knowing that you are here at someone else's house." Alexis lets out a small sigh as she listens to her father’s words.

“I’m not staying at ‘somone’s’ house,” “I know, I know." "Dad, c’mon...”

Dewey goes silent for a bit, waiting for what his daughter has to say. “Dad… I know a lot has happened here, and a lot has happened with you and me as well, but things aren’t like that anymore. It’s been ten years, and nothing strange has happened—no ghostfaces, no killers. I’m not blaming you for being paranoid, but I want to spend time with you without the thought of another murder happening.” 

“I just wanted to see you. Don't you miss me, dad?” Alexis’ words hit Dewey like tree logs crushing a brittle shed. He lets out a sigh before chuckling a bit.

“You didn’t have to say that to your old man; of course I missed you.” He smiles on the other side of the phone before continuing, “Alright, I’ll let you stay, but you’ll leave first thing in the morning on your last day, and make sure to see me.”

Alexis hums. “I will. I’m going to go see you right now, later, Dad.”

“Stay safe, sweetheart.” With that, Alexis hung up and was about to continue walking until she was met with familiar black hair in her sight.

The girl stood in front of her with a grin—Alexis could recognise that smile everywhere. She didn’t expect her to be the first face she'd see once she stepped into this morbid town.

“Well, look who’s back in town.” She laughs, grinning wider, and steps closer to Alexis. “Haven’t seen you in a while; it’s nice seeing you again.” She said in a low tone, her voice sounded sweet.

Alexis gave Amber an acknowledging and surprised expression. She feels a tingly feeling in her stomach—not a good one. It’s a feeling similar to when someone you aren’t that fond of meets you on your way to your destination. Or when a teacher calls your name to ask a question about the lesson you learned but didn’t bother to remember, feeling like your heart stopped for a second. She feels dread for some unknown reason; she always has bad energy whenever she’s with Amber. It’s not because she’s sort of got this bad girl's agenda or that she has a violent way of expressing anger.

Amber is awfully nice to Alexis, and she doesn’t like that. 

If somebody is nice to you, you wouldn’t be feeling a sense of dread. So, why?

It’s always been like this with them; Alexis always felt something was wrong with that girl, and it’s a little messed up to think that.

“What’s with that face?” Amber tilts her head, her eyes lingering on Alexis.

Alexis needed to make this quick before she vomits from anxiety.

— Note: thank you if you managed to read this whole ridiculous thing 🥹 You're probably wonder about Amber and Alexis, they have a complicated relationship which will be revealed more into the story. I'll have to make a new character biography for Alexis soon lol.

[fipindustries]

oppen heimer style

let me just start this by saying that this is not necesarily nolan being back to form, necesarily. i would place it just above the rest of nolan's dark period known as intersrellar, dunkirk and tenet. but that is not an exceedingly high bar to pass.

he has sadly become a director that i still respect appreciate and whose movies i enjoy but whom i can no longer say is an unmatched genius.

lets start with the bad.

its too long, and its pacing its a little awkward, no need to worry for spoilers here since we all know the history. the big money shot that we were all expecting, the trinity test, it happens roughly at the middle of the movie and after that the movie struggles to reach any other point of heightened emotion as high as that one.

its a solid three hour experience and more than once it had me wondering "ok, how much left, are we done yet?" but i will say this: once i reached the final scene and the credits start i did not feel a tired relief that it was finaly over, thank god. i feel dread, i felt doom and dread. i was fucking terrified. this movie has a good strong final scene that makes you forget of previous tests of patience you might have gone through watching it.

it tries to do this weird parallel story telling between lewis strauss and oppenheimer that it feels like they tried to film two different movies and then awkwardly splie them together. it jumps back and forth between the past and the present told form different points of view and a lot of it feels like it could have been cut out and the movie would have worked just as well. im not sure how necessary was the whole lewis strauss subplot to be honest.

the characters and dialog work a little better than in previous movies although we still get a lot of scenes of people talking in a clinical manner with expository dialog and deep philosophical musings. but once again i will say nolan seems to be learning some lessons, we do get a lot of scenes where actors are allowed to flex their emotional muscles.

in a lot of ways this is nolan's most lurid film. i think this is the first time we get to see breasts and naked people having sex in a nolan movie and it hits hard, both because of how unexpected it is in a nolan film and because of how out of context it shows up in-universe. i dont actually want to spoil this one because the effect it achieves actually worked really well.

and now moving on to the good, if i mentioned this might be nolan at his most lurid, it is certainly also at his most poetic. sure there is inception, but in here we get to see a lot of surrealist or downright metaphorical scenes without the excuse of being inside a dream. we get to see things that are not happening literally in universe but that are an artistic representation of what the characters are feeling. it felt really effective.

the man himself

this is a movie that is very much about the titular guy and trying to understand his inner world, trying to understand who the hell was this person, and honestly, where did he get off.

it seems oppenheimer was a complicated man, whose actions and desitions were sometimes confusing, sometimes downright contradictory (there is a nice wink to this when talking about the paticle/wave duality at the beggining of the film). he was a communist, he was a proud american, he was a genius, he was painfully naive,he was merely following orders but he had absolute control over his little town in los alamos, he worked hard for peace, he created nuclear war, he built a bomb that he didnt want people to use.

i heard criticisms that this movie romanticizes his work, that it may excuse or justify the use of the bomb, that it may be too kind with the guy. rest assured it doesnt. the movie brings up multiple times how the japanese were basically already surrendering, how senseless and callous and cruel the use on japanese cities was, how attrocious and horrifying the effects of the bomb were. and how oppenheimer definely contributed to it. if it shows the guy hand wringing or feeling gulty or trying to be a martyr of sorts, the movie definetly calls him out on that too by saying that its very rich of him to have done the deed and then regret it as if he didnt knew what he was doing or as if he had no control over it. a lot of times the movie shows the man as spineless, as a moral coward, as someone who was too weak to take on a position. "you dont get to commit a sin and then make everyone else feel pity for you because there are consequences!" is yelled at his face.

yet all the same, either because he is portrayed by cyllian murphy and his puppy dog eyes or because nolan deep down still admires who he was and what he did, you cant help but feel bad for the guy and like him still. he was a person, a complicated person with ugly sides that this movie in no way ignores, but still a brilliant man who at the very least had the basic decency to feel bad for the atrocities he contributed to.

going back to the movie itself

its has a weirdly star studded cast. if you were surprised by the sudden appearance of matt damon in interstellar, get ready to have that feeling multiple times during this film, every other scene suddenly shows up a hollywood megastar and it will take a few seconds before you accept ok, i guess gary oldman is in this film, and is that rami malek? and oh right, robert downy junior and oh my god is that fucking kenneth brannagh. in fact the one hollywood actor who is NOT in this movie, is surprisingly, inexplicably enough michael caine.

truly, breaking new ground.

and the cameos dont stop at the stars, the characters themselves are a constant delightful surprise if you are into the history of quantum mechanics and science in the first half of the 20th century. you have einstein of course (presented as this old exiled king, his time of glory long past but still sough after for his wisdom) but you have also bohrs, heisenberg, feynman, fermi, and fucking gödel somehow (they managed to shoe in a comment about his paranoia and hipocondry)

the actual explosion

time to talk about the thing we all went to see this movie for. is the atomic explosion cool? is it big? is it loud? does it go boom? does it look cool?.

suffice to say. yes. one of the coolest experiences i had in watching film ever in my life. it has a build up of a solid 30 minutes or so (arguably its been building up the entire movie) the tensin keeps on rising all through out. the countdown slowly advances, the expectations are at the highest theyve ever been and by the time the bomb was actually about to go off in the middle of the american desert, the first atom bomb ever exploted, my heart was hammering out of my chest.

its fully worth the price of admission and the three hours.

final comments

i want to double back to the poetic filmmaking i mentioned early to comment about the main thing its used for. nolan makes it clear in no uncertain terms the horror that atomic weapons unleashed on the world. the man goes out of his way to make it clear, these things can destroy the planet. we've all become perhaps a bit desensitized to atomic explosion in film, made more and more espectacular with the advancement of cgi. but this movie brings it back home and leaves you with a last message about the danger of nuclear proliferation.

i walked out of the theatre with my legs shaking and my eyes falling out of my skull. i had a hard time talking a bit afterwards, i was a little shell shocked.

so, i guess in the end, my thoughts on this movie are just as complicated as the man himself, the man who oppenheimed the world.

8/10

[vidavalor]

Aziraphale’s line in Edinburgh “will you get into trouble?” is so soft and concerned it makes my insides go ahsjdflflsha

Thoughts?

Damn, @procrastiel you've got a knack for picking the scenes that are already eating my brain lol.

It is very cute and soft the way he says it-- and flirty. What kind of kills me about that line is how it's the last time he's ever going to say it because of what happens maybe a half a minute later. How many scenes have we seen that are a variation on this theme by this point and what does the one where Crowley responds differently signal?

Talk of spice and trauma (in generalized terms) under the cut.

Crowley will let Aziraphale call him nice.

One of the biggest scenes in the series is actually basically just that, right? "...if you weren't, at heart, just a little bit of a good person" is Aziraphale calling Crowley lovely and Crowley doesn't push back against it. Aziraphale gets the love eyes and the fond smile and the "...and if you weren't just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing".

Crowley doesn't insist that he's not nice or good in this moment and the 'good person'/'bastard worth knowing' remarks are the most obviously I love you coded things imaginable lol. This scene is sweet in its own right but it also nods towards the fact that other scenes in which Aziraphale calls Crowley 'nice' feel like there's a different, additional layer to them.

To put it another way, the "you're so nice, Crowley" dance is invitation to/a prelude to sex and that's part of what makes the scene you're talking about in 1827 even more horrifying to me... but which then also makes some other scenes in the series that are set after it even better, imo.

"Are you going to get into trouble?" is more or less the last thing Aziraphale said to Crowley before Crowley got dragged to Hell. He was taken two feet away from Aziraphale and Aziraphale didn't see him for what we've calculated is about just inside of a month later. When he came back, Bildaddy 1827 Crowley was gone and replaced by 1862 Crowley. It seems pretty evident that Crowley got pulled to Hell for overmiracling in anger over Wee Morag being shot and sending the grave guards to Hell instead of putting them into a hole and that Hell never found out about Elspeth or about Crowley's relationship with Aziraphale... but that wouldn't have been apparent to either Crowley or Aziraphale at first and Aziraphale probably didn't know for sure what had happened until he next saw Crowley again, weeks later, after thinking that he might not ever again.

What made this all the worst is that while the reason why Crowley got taken to Hell was from that evening, it was from earlier in the evening (which also makes sense as it would have taken Hell a little while to figure out who these two guys were and how they got there and that Crowley was responsible) but Crowley was then taken to Hell out of nowhere, right in the middle of saying he didn't think they'd noticed him that night, right in the middle of him and Aziraphale alone and flirting with each other.

What's worse is that even though they were in a public space, they didn't think anyone was listening to them and, honestly? They weren't, really. They just dragged Crowley to Hell but without hearing what they were saying but what they were saying was a private conversation, even though they were doing their whole 'you're so nice, Crowley' playacting angel & demon thing in the middle of it. They were talking openly about how Crowley saving Elspeth was kind and Aziraphale was keeping it up as part of flirting with Crowley. He must have said it three times and, afterwards, he probably couldn't believe he did that. They'd gotten away with all of it for so long without real repercussions that Aziraphale honestly didn't expect Crowley to get into any trouble at all. He was only mentioning the idea of trouble as a way of trying to call Crowley nice enough that Crowley would get in his face about it but Crowley-- still honestly a little out of it from the laudanum lol-- kept talking to him like they were having a regular conversation at first, so Aziraphale amped it up and then Crowley got it. Their date originally began at the Gabriel statue earlier in the evening and then had this side-adventure with Elspeth and Wee Morag and when Crowley was taken to Hell, they were back to the start near the statue and had just started to be alone together a few moments before and Aziraphale had plans.

The whole 'you're soooo nice, Crowley' thing is Aziraphale wants him some and immediately lol. Crowley *is* nice and he's not nice in exchange for sex-- he's just nice-- but the fact that he is nice does it for the angel with the thing for the pretend bad boy with the heart of gold here. There's also something fun to Aziraphale about the fact that he knows that he can't call Crowley 'nice' in an open, public space and receive the same reaction that Crowley might give him if he said the same thing when they were sure they were alone. The Ritz in 2019 in the end of S1 is a public space, yeah, but dining at The Ritz is literally the act of pretending less and it's probably the first time Crowley just accepted the compliment in a public space. Aziraphale also said it with a completely different tone in The Ritz that actually helps emphasize the tones he uses in the other scenes and show the difference between just calling Crowley 'nice' and calling him 'nice' in that way that is him suggesting he's, ah, hungry lol.

In 1827, Crowley definitely wasn't about to just accept the compliment in public and he hadn't in times before it that led to this pattern of conversation into sex that they'd started at some point in the past.

So what Aziraphale realized about their little language ages ago was that he could get away with saying cute, sweet things and compliment Crowley in public because he's the angel lol but Crowley had to playact at being a growly, irritated demon. He had to pretend to hate it and insist that he isn't nice and and the fun part of that for them is that it's then a reason for Crowley to get close to Aziraphale in public, under the guise of trying to seem like he's trying to intimidate him. He can get right in his face and grab his shirt or press him up against a wall or whatever and he does and did but he'd do so in a way that what he was making sound like intimidation on the surface was really just all the lowkey manhandling that Aziraphale likes a bit from time to time or just things he likes in general.

Crowley's little catwalk strut tends to show up (how did Aziraphale know how to do his walk so well when they body swapped in S1? He's been loving watching that walk for millennia now lol). Note the sunglasses suddenly halfway down Crowley's nose in 1827. The angel likes his eyes and Crowley knows it so if he can get away with it where they are, the sunglasses can slip a little. Aziraphale, into his eyes? Oh, couldn't be, not when half the bookshop is painted that color. Just ask The Bentley in S2 how much Aziraphale likes that pretty yellow lol. That comes up outside of the sweet angel/growly demon dance.

Crowley's sunglasses in 2008 are semi-transparent and he's leaning his head so that Aziraphale can actually see his eyes a bit during lunch at The Ritz.

Long before The Ritz or 1827, a little bit of Bildad-energy channeling in The Globe Theatre scene, when Crowley shows up to try to get Aziraphale to go to bed with him and has his glasses so low that his eyes are at least half-visible for almost the entirety of the scene. The Vavoom is mutual and goes way back, ok? lol Before this:

But yeah, in 1827, they think they're alone. They're speaking as if they are, they literally are surrounded by no one alone in a graveyard in the middle of the night, and Aziraphale's doing his whole "you're so nice" thing and Crowley is playing along and they're literally walking towards the woods at the edge of the graveyard (ahem), all while Crowley is saying that he doesn't think Hell noticed anything and Aziraphale is using "will you get into trouble?" in a flirty way, neither of them *actually expecting* trouble. It's pure dumb luck on their parts that Crowley actually got pulled to Hell right *then* because would have been a lot worse if he had five minutes later. Bad enough that he got taken to Hell doing the supermodel strut for his angel but at least it wasn't when he was getting blown by Aziraphale in the woods, which really feels like where that was going lol.

But when it happened alone was horrifying enough because they'd gotten away with it for so long and the circumstances of that night were such that it wasn't immediately apparent why Crowley was taken, so it looked like it could have been because they had been found out. When he does come back, the trauma of that for both of them is one of the things impacting their relationship for a long time. In some ways, we learn, it still is, because S2 shows us Aziraphale revisiting the spot in Edinburgh for the first time since, needing to call Crowley when he does, and ties it to his fears of being left alone.

The bulk of it, though, is manageable for both of them now and that is how 1827 works to make scenes we already saw more impactful by giving them new layers. In particular, it is what makes the Tadfield scene in 2019 in S1 even better in retrospect after the 1827 scene.

Because Crowley and Aziraphale went through all the things with this but an example of getting to the other side of it for them is that they reclaimed their flirty little game from 1827 and before. They started playing it again. We actually saw that self-referential, now almost self-parodic, game first before we had any idea how it was tied to what led to the 1862 scene that we also saw in S1:

Crowley does nice things in a public space while they're on a little daytrip together and Aziraphale, barely able to keep that smirky smile of delight off his face, starts going on about how he's always said that deep down, Crowley really is quite nice, absolutely knowing that saying so will get Crowley to throw him up against the wall and growl in his face. In 1827, they went through over a century's worth of pain after Crowley was dragged to Hell in the middle of something that this scene in 2019 has for its roots. In 2019, they've found their way back from the worst of it and Aziraphale is coming onto Crowley in what used to be a *satanic nunnery* lol. They're here to find some of Satan's nuns who know Crowley as Master Crowley, a diabolical minister of the devil, and they're spending the whole time flirting with each other. Aziraphale is here to help Crowley deal with Hell and do all this with him and they're also still dealing with Hell from 1827 but they're in a really healthy place with it by this point-- healthy enough that they can have the humor and playfulness and fun that they lost for a bit because of 1827 back again and better than ever.

Crowley's kicking in a door a moment after this because the angel fancies blowjobs in the devil's church over here and in S1, that's flirty and funny and hot and everything but after S2, this has so many more layers to it. It was already apparent that the circa 1862 issues of which we weren't sure the origins in S1 were something they had to work through but then S2 gives us 1827 to not just confirm that some of our suspicions-- Crowley being hurt by Hell-- were correct but then to tie it directly to this bit in Tadfield... and what is the one thing that is omitted here? What got cut from this little game and won't return because it's a reminder of the trauma and so would pull them out of the present?

Will you get into trouble? or anything like it.

Because Crowley did, once, and it took them decades to get to this point where they can play at a version of the same thing of that night and it's fun and not just making them both want to curl up into a ball and sob. Tadfield is far from the first time since then that they've done this little dance that they've made a game at this point, based on how Aziraphale not only has no hesitation about it but he is smiling like the cat that swallowed the canary. None of this was assured. They had to work through it together and they did. That was apparent enough in S1 but it's deepened a ton by the 1827 story in S2.

[pillarsalt]

My personal approach for situations like yours with your friend is to act very confused and unaware. Like acting shocked at his name, and then continuing to act super confused and horrified but in a way that makes you seem just out of the loop. That being said, that's kind of non confrontational, and I really respect you for having the difficult conversation.

Oh yes I've used the feigned ignorance technique before, especially with nonbinary women friends (and now I've just realized that over the years I've had more female friends who started to pretend they're not women than ones who haven't, that's fucking depressing lol.) Sometimes with the more empathetic individuals, they will genuinely consider what you're asking and you can actually see the wheels turning (I remember this happening with a college friend NB woman, someone else made a comparison between men identifying as women and rachel dolezal, she said "that seems wrong to me but... I can't really say why.") Unfortunately, trans activism has instilled an easy way to shed any doubt that creeps into the minds of its devotees: you can't think that because it's internalized transphobia, it's TERF rhetoric, that thought is bad and you need to give yourself 100 lashes and listen to transwomen instead. So it's very difficult to get someone who fully buys into this ideology to honestly and critically reflect on it. It's not impossible, but it's very difficult.

We'll see, I'm definitely going to question the name first and foremost, establish that I think it's weird as fuck if he deliberately wants everyone who learns his name to immediately associate him with blowjobs. That honestly gives me the most apprehension because I've never seen or heard him say anything porn-brained, and it makes me wonder how well I really know the kind of person he is, or how much the usual internet cesspools have melted his brain. But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt at least until I can ask him wtf he's thinking.

The book I'm halfway through has put the brakes on my guns a-blazin plan to say my piece all at once though. It's tough because I have the feeling I might only have one chance to relay my position, but just simply delivering a message is not an effective way to have someone hear and seriously consider your point of view. It may have to be more long-term and subtle, not pretending to be ignorant but asking questions that he'll have to really self-reflect on to answer honestly.

I'm hoping that I've proven myself to be someone who cares about her friends and wants the best for everyone, and that he'll see I'm not trying to attack him. If in the end we can say "we have a fundamental ideological disagreement but won't let it come between our camaraderie", that would be actually ideal to me. His nonbinary longterm girlfriend is a STAUNCH genderist though, so the diplomatic effort may all be for naught. I know you are all probably wondering why I'm so invested in this man; besides the fact he's my friend, he is the same age as and reminds me so much of my little brother, and I have this protective instinct about him. About all my friends really. Man it will really suck to lose them. This probably sounds dramatic but I've been thinking about doing my own private goodbye tour with each of them individually, like one last nice peaceful hangout sesh each before everything blows up.

Anyway I need to stop pacing in circles about this for now. Thanks for the nice ask anon <3

[darcytaylor]

Not sure this is a new perspective or not. Please keep in mind 1)I'm not in the spotlight 2)I'm a woman. I sometimes wonder if L is just severely overcompensating for a deep insecurity. I personally lost about 80 pounds when I was a teenager and it changed the way people view and spoke to me. It really messed with my mind because I had been bullied a bit for my prior appearance. Now that I was more "conventionally attractive" everyone's treatment of me changed. I almost wonder if L never felt like he fully fit in with his friends because to himself he didn't fit the "look" or lifestyle. Even when someone becomes more "fit," it doesn't change the way they may view themselves on the inside or in the mirror (i.e. body dysmorphia). I personally believe that internally he may still be struggling a lot (or he was) and now he's just doubling down on this new image and lifestyle to prove to himself that he's "worthy" of the people around him. Again, I don't know him. All speculation, but it was interesting seeing his reaction to media questions about his transformation. I personally believe he still struggles (or did struggle) with what he sees/saw in the mirror and trying to reconcile who he once was. The way people react after physical transformations may impact the way someone views their place in the world. This is again, just based on personal experience and opinion.

I understand that this is all speculation, but you may be on to something.

This is a take that I hadn't thought about, I guess I have always fit in within the "normal standards" that society has, so it never occurred to me. That's probably somewhat ignorant of me, not thinking about that, so thank you for bringing this to my attention (even if it isn't true).

Many people who have lost weight (yourself included) have all said the same thing. That you are treated better by people once you fit in with the "norm", it honestly makes me angry!

I do have a sibling who did lose a considerable amount of weight (so that's the only reference I have to go on) but I did see the change in how people interacted with them, and how they were suddenly treated better by society. It's sad that it happens but I saw first hand how cruel people could be, only because of someones size.

This did bring on a memory of a comment I saw a while back, before Luke's "transformation" and it was something along the lines of Luke/Colin being the "fat" brother/ the "ugly" brother. I was horrified.

It's one thing to comment on certain actions that someone has shown, but its disgusting to comment about someones body or looks in a derogatory way. If you don't find someone attractive you don't have to comment about it, the age old saying of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all", rings true.

Luke has always been handsome, then and now, and it would be sad if he did struggle with something like this. I think that in his industry it would probably be even harder because how vain it is.

[sunshine-in-a-bottle]

hello, suds :D

i come with six ships for the shipping bingo card (pick and choose which ones you want to do): c!dreamnoblade, c!dreamza, c!awesamdrunz, c!aswesamdream, c!awesampunz, c!drunz (for the first two you can also use the bingo card from here (https://www.tumblr.com/sunshine-in-a-bottle/764332055865835520)

I am frothing at the mouth. God you are being so nice to me right now and letting me be insane. I appreciate you so much.

DNB^. I did both because of course I did. I love your template I Needed To Use It.

DNB obviously got a lot more for the second bingo than the first because they are objectively the healthiest possible pairing you can get here. Look at them. Theyre perfect for each other. Theyre narrative foils, theyre parallels going in opposite directions but forever side by side in their path. It would have to be a very specific universe for them to even BEGIN to be able to make each other worse.

I know because of the way things worked it couldn't be called something canon, but in a world where the DSMP was made in a different medium, DNB would have been an excellent endgame for both of their characters. It maximizes their healing. They both get to be understood at a fundamental level, and seek comfort that they just wouldn't be able to get from other people.

Techno gets to take care of someone who really needs that care, someone who laughs at his jokes and finds him funny, someone who is rewarding to try and make laugh, because god knows Dream tries so hard to be insurmountable. Dream gets that personal attention he so desperately needs without being enabled or placated, or shut down for expressing clear boundaries. Literally my only gripe with the pairing is that its so healthy that I can't go batshit insane about problematic behavior like I like to do.

But honestly the yearning can be so intense that it makes up for anything else. My god can these two yearn, quietly but intently.

Dreamza^. By god this is the greatest crack rarepair to have ever existed in the history of ever.

Its so incredibly unlikely to happen just because of how canon went, but they have so much hidden potential as both a character study and for Shenanigans. They're both admins. They meet for the first time because Philza broke into Dream's server. Philza's son has made Dream's life miserable. Dream is like a younger version of Philza in all the confidence and control and burgeoning power that leaves Philza with both a sense of deja vu but also makes him feel like he's back in the old days, when things were a little less complicated. Dream is reckless and has no self preservation, but even if he has the skill to back it up, Philza still can't help but want to watch his back. Dream's trust is fragile and intense and hard-earned, and doesn't it feel good to earn it? To see this silly young man who endures the world feel safe to reach out a hand to Philza and let Philza take it?

Also the AU concept of Dream being an insane coder with no training VS Philza who actually knows what he's doing and is fascinated and horrified by how Dream runs the server is funny, okay?

Also Kristen can watch them fuck, no notes.

^Awesamdrunz. Listen. Listen. I experience mental illness. I'm going directly to super hell. There's so many things wrong with them, and with anyone else this would go terribly but somehow they make it work. This is somehow the healthiest relationship they could achieve. They can make each other so much worse in some ways (excusing each others crimes) but they could also make each other so much better in others (Dream heals, Sam is redeemed, Punz feels less alone.) I read 100 fics about them and they were all my own. I too want to be an evil necromancer who is consistently loafed on and gets self care.

I didn't mark "I wish more people would ship them" because honestly I'm pretty content with the amount of people who do ship them already. This ship is one part porn, one part crack, one part angst, and three parts kidnapping, I'm not expecting everyone in the fandom to turn around and go THERE IT IS. THE SHIP OF ALL TIME when its such a specific flavor of insanity and doesn't have a ton of canon merit. I like being able to bother my friends about it, and everyone who wants to sit with me on tumblr and ao3 and rotate it with me is nice and good. This feels comfortable.

^Awesamdream. I had to take a break from writing this and came back wondering "why didn't I put that they were perfect for each other." maybe it was for Torture in Prison reasons??? Maybe I was thinking about how they aren't a ship that is perfect in a healthy sort of way, theyre both so mentally ill about each other from prison after all, and Sam's control issues don't naturally blend with Dream's control issues.

But I kind of don't mind that they aren't perfect for each other? I don't think they need to fit like a glove, weaving in and out of each other and completely complimenting the other. Their hands don't fit perfectly- if its post prison, especially, since Dream's lacking a couple fingers- and Dream steps on Sam's feet when they dance. But it feels good to write them a little messy, a little fucked up, but still able to Be Good to each other, Sam towards Dream especially. Not healthy, but happy.

(admittedly, I had to write them like that myself for the most part when I first joined the fandom. Most of what Awesamdream was at the time was torture porn and angst, because YKnow, Prison, but I really wanted to explore them Being Happy and wasn't sure where to start. I'm really grateful for the dreblr discord server for giving me a place to write a lot of my early fics for them.)

^SamPunz. Do you understand how delightful these two are? Do you understand The Vibes that they give when they're together. Listen I'm rapidly running out of braincells but I love to imagine just. In the CKAU the way that Punz fundamentally changes Sam for the better by forcibly instilling boundaries that Dream can't instill on his own.

The way that Punz is so misanthropic, so distrusting of people and so angry at the world and at Sam for what he did. Punz isn't sure they want to believe Sam's capable of change, because in their mind it would be so much easier to kill him and be done with it.

But Dream wants and hopes that Sam can be better if they just try, so Punz is forced to Not Kill As A First Solution. Punz is forced to deal with the an absolute travesty of a creeper. Punz goes from "humanity can't be saved lets kill the server and everything on it and becomes gods" to "actually people might be able to change and become better. I don't like having feelings about this. I don't like having to reckon with my own humanity. Goddamn it Sam."

Listen I'm just rotating Punz pushing Sam against the wall, holding the Communication Knife to his throat, and threatening him. Sam is trying very hard not to find this extremely attractive. He is failing.

I need them to fuck.

[chiisana-sukima]

ive actually been thinking about it a lot since i posted that and i agree with you that general rape culture is part of the reason people don't notice that sam gets sexually assaulted

like the scenes that are cut and dry sexual assault scenes (no magic. no hell. no magic potion shit) usually portray the woman like a black widow/femme fatale type i.e meg in nightmare and we're so used to seeing those scenes that they don't even register because its the idea that women get their power from sex and being attractive ya know?

so i do think it's less that male victims are played as jokes since most of the time i think the scenes are played pretty straight (for the most part, they guy in tall tales is a big exception and there are sooooo many rape jokes but actual scenes, we usually see sam and dean as not enjoying these things and the audience are meant to root for them to get away so) and more that we're just used to the idea that this is the way women *can* intimidate men ya know?

(also feel free not to answer if you dont feel comfortable <3)

Yup, I think everything you said here is 100% true, and that there are other factors at play too that fit under the "rape culture" umbrella.

You absolutely will not believe some of the insane, hardcore rape apology shit people will say to me in defense of pretend SA in a silly TV show, even after they know I'm a survivor. Because of the demographic of spn Tumblr fandom, most of these conversation partners are liberal women or AFAB nbs. And apparently honestly unaware what they're saying is deeply offensive and horrifying. Some of them are legitimately Sam fans. And to make matters even more tragic, often they are survivors themselves.

Mostly I think we are all--all genders included--afraid. Afraid we could lose control of our bodies, our relationships, our home inside the vessel where we store our Self. It makes us so defensive that to have someone talk about it without subterfuge is seen as a threat rather than an act of human fellowship.

And then as one big part of the defense against that fear, we often emotionally accept--even if intellectually we know it's not true--the pervasive lie that strong, upstanding people can't be raped, and especially that men can't be raped unless there is something so fundamentally wrong with them that they no longer count as part of the social category "men". And we accept the converse lie too; that good people can't rape, and therefore if someone isn't 100% irredeemable the sexual assault alleged by their victim can't really have happened. I see this in fandom with both on-screen and off-screen SA, with SA jokes, and across male and female perpetrators.

A couple examples under the cut. The cut is there in case you aren't a masochist and don't like the feeling of needing eyeball bleach.

SA happens because you're a bad person:

Tbf to OP, post one is liveblogging 12x02, where we don't know immediately that it's SA. Otoh they felt no need to liveblog the reveal that Sam wasn't in fact a dirty whore who was fucking his torturer because he's just that slutty. And the later post on why Sam gets sexually assaulted so often, is not substantially different reasoning

Or maybe it's not SA at all. Because you're a bad person and also crazy (italics at the beginning are a quote from me):

It's not rape if I like the rapist, plus bonus you made me do it because you're a bad person:

And the all time, best ever, gold metal winners, from Mark P and Sebastian Roche:

Video of the panel is gone, but there is contemporaneous liveblogging:

This is from a con in January 2015. Sooooo right after O Brother Where Art Thou when Lucifer made the rape joke/threat while Sam cried. Could totally have been consensual though, because Lucifer isn't as bad as people make him out to be, dontchaknow. And Mark P is a nice guy who respects women (lol), so obviously it wasn't a rape joke. He would never. (┛`д´)┛彡┻━┻

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I’ve been thinking about the auction for ages, just turning it around in my head constantly. My instant guy reaction was to be horrified, and then people online made me think I was being unreasonable. And I just kept going back and forth unsure, but Brian’s message I think helped clear my head. And I think I’ve figured out what bothers me the most about all this. Because my first initial reaction was mostly just emotion. Mostly just “but that is awful!” Especially hearing about the fucking mustache comb. Like you KNOW what kind of freaks are out there. If Freddie hadn’t been a celeb I’d probably honestly say yeah sure sell it whatever. But he was a celeb, and there’s a plethora of weirdos who would want that. You have to take that kind of thing into account.

I’ll also be honest, I don’t actually give a fuck about the furniture and art being sold. Actually if it was the interior design stuff being auctioned off I probably would have shrugged. Like oh well. It’s just a couch, and a vase or whatever (very nice very expensive furniture and decoration but you know, they don’t represent Freddie imo). The clothes, the piano, the lyrics and photos, the very personal effects (mustache comb which I will never stop harping on) that’s what bothers me. It’s because it shows an utter disregard for Freddie’s legacy. Freddie is not only a famous and legendary musician, but classic and historical. He is one of the biggest musicians there will ever be in human history (and that’s not even an exaggeration in the slightest!), and you’re just selling his handwritten lyrics etc to the highest bidder with no regard for its historical value. I’m reminded of Indiana Jones. “It belongs in a museum!”

I don’t think anybody is saying to turn Garden Lodge into a Graceland. Freddie would have been horrified at that idea with how private he was. But to not offer Queen (the only her legendary musicians in this equation who will also be in/are in the history books) even some of the the lyrics…

I think for literal historical reasons it’s a problem to be selling these lyrics and some of these clothes to randos.

Also there is a way to display this stuff properly. Everybody it seems jumps to “well Freddie wouldn’t want a Graceland.” Like yeah of course not. But there is (maybe was, not sure it’s still up) a Nirvana exhibit, which Kurt Cobain’s family had a big hand in. And it displays some important objects for the public, including some of Kurt’s clothes (which were not nearly as flashy/high fashion as Freddie’s, albeit still iconic). And I also think of again, how gracefully Frances Bean Cobain (Kurt’s daughter) who has the majority of his estate, handles his legacy, and seems on very good terms with the other band members. The literal only hiccup I can think of isn’t even her fault. Kurt’s guitar was auctioned off after being stolen from her by her ex husband, and she fought to get it back.

Anyway, I think there was a way to handle this. To auction off some of Freddie’s goods, like furniture and stuff that isn’t actually important to his legacy, and still get a hefty price. Hell, maybe even sell a shirt or two that is a bit more important. But then handle the placement of the more important materials more delicately. Hell, you could still maybe even make some money depending on how you arrange where it goes.

Yeah, that's pretty much what it comes down to. I don't care much about the furniture and décor, either, and I think most people don't. Those are things that were irrelevant to his work, just things to fill up a house. I've been saying for weeks now that selling the things which directly have to do with Freddie's music, such as his lyrics, instruments, and stage costumes, is indicative of a complete and utter disregard for his life's work, impact, and legacy as a musician. It says a lot when randos who never know Freddie think, "Wow, his lyrics should be in a museum" but the woman who the media has painted as the Only One who ever understood Freddie saw no value in these items outside of dollar signs. It's just very disrespectful.

No one is arguing that the lyrics and costumes of Freddie's that are already on display at the Montreux museum or other exhibitions aren't what he would've wanted, so these people defending the auction with "BuT FrEDDiE WOuLDn'T HavE WanTED--"are just annoying.

And to me, what's equally scummy is how there was zero consideration for Freddie's living loved ones. That was one of my immediate thoughts when I first heard of the auction. Mary clearly doesn't view Freddie's lyrics, instruments, or costumes as part of Queen's larger legacy. It's both disrespectful to the band as individuals, and to Queen as a whole. It's like she really never gave a shit about Queen, Freddie's baby, and of course she certainly never gave a shit about anyone else in his life, no matter how close he was to them (and you could argue the closer they were to Freddie, the more she resented them). And it's the very personal items, too, not just the mustache comb, but the personal photos of the band hanging out in the pool or the photos of Freddie and Anita in kimonos at Garden Lodge which shouldn't be sold without asking those actually in the pictures first. It's shitty that the band and Freddie's other loved ones would even be put in the position of having to purchase photographs that they are in.

Anyway, the whole thing is really shitty to both Freddie's legacy as a musician and his loved ones. Plain and simple.

[shimaiitsoh]

okay. this post might be insane. it's freaking me out.

tw nazis, violence, white supremacy

i dont feel good right now. i worked alone with my white coworker today, and i guess for some context everyone knows i'm autistic, and that they do pressure me a lot or take advantage of my anxietys alot.

she told me how i was very easy to take advantage of, and that she thinks "x" coworker is making me do all the work. whatever, work stuff. i kind of agree and ask how i should better that problem,

that's when she escalates to telling me about her personal life, and that she's alone, and has no friends, and doesn't socialize outside her husband and kids. okay. then she tells me she trusts me(i dont really know her, this is getting weird) and tells me about her felony. she told me before how her husband k*lled people in iraq, and even eluded to him k*lling children. then got a felony with a machine gun, dishonorably discharged, and how they both have guns in their house. she tells me to not tell anyone, that he was in a gang(im assuming a racist gang because he is white) at this point idfk i'm actaully freaked out and just fawning out of this because she watches my body language like a hawk a lot,and keeps saying we will be alone together today.

then she tells me they have nazi memorbilia, and that its a potato sack of ashes.

i am audibly pretty horrified and i say "ohmygod" a lot and she doesn't stop, and i just wanted to fucking cry. she made me promise to not tell anyone and that she trusts me then fucking invites me to dinner. i think they would honestly k*ll me if i did that and i tried laughing and telling her shes so nice, and no thanks. and i am alone with her and im feeling unsafe and im still trying to recover from that earlier today

[dorylinae-supremacy]

Ìf you could pick one story of yours who's characters you could meet and talk to who would you pick (like phill In a fluffy fic would be a sweet neighbour but a dark phill would be like you sure you need your kidneys mate)

Personally I'm fine with any as long as dark sbi arnt asking me how much I drink and if my kidney is weak lol

I have almost 20 fics so bear with me lmao. We're gonna take a real long walk on this one. Also I'm only counting ones I've posted because otherwise that feels like cheating.

Long rambles below cut!

I think I'd have the best chance of survival with one of my STH inspired fics but that feels like cheating too. STH Techno can do no wrong and I'll always stand by that.

Honestly this with most my fics would probably be hell lmao. While the DSBI I write aren't usually outright aggressive they're more than a little loopy and would just find a reason to off me probably.

AFN and any Four Seasons fic are immediately off the list. Afn Techno might currently be a sweet little angel but I wouldnt wanna meet him after he's finished his change. AFN Phil goes without saying.

Even if I was meeting Techno at the current point in the story I don't think I'd survive since Phil really wouldn't take well to a random stranger talking to his kid. There's also Kristin but she is absolutely horrifying to meet so thats another no from me.

Four seasons would imply the existence of fae and I think I'd disintegrate in an environment like that. Also four seasons Phil is terrible and just sadistic. Believe it or not but he's playing nice with neo trio in those fics. I wouldn't want the chance to ever meet him.

Seeing as I'm working on a fic where ILMG Techno kills a neighbour for being irritating I don't think I'd ever wanna meet him. ILMG Phil and Wil could be fine but they're not fleshed out enough for me to really know.

I think I'd have an alright time in BFOB though. Its just the DSMP modified so I could have a passive chat with Tommy or Phil and that could be alright. Same goes of IDFR, thats a more accurate version of the DSMP and I don't think that'd be too terrible.

ODDO Phil could be nice to meet as well. He was just a sweet, lonely guy that lived by the seaside. He probably had a pretty fun life before that since I like to think he travelled. If this is post-horsing though then I'd have to pass.

ELTY, SGFA and EST are all royalty AU's so I'd have to pass on them as well. While Wil is skrunkly in them, his family is very much not and they totally abuse their power in their respective universes.

That all leaves me with DELG, Henchman and Harbingers to sift through.

Don't Ever Let Go could be fine. Its a superhero AU and talking to Kristin or Phil wouldn't result in immediate death. I brush over it in MBMB but Phil is passively friendly to everyone and people like him pretty decently.

Kristin does go off on a lot of 'work trips' but after acquiring twinsduo that cuts down. She's a villainness but whether its justified or not, I haven't decided yet. Its not as much fun when the narrative is 'the heros are the real bad guys'.

Its more interesting for me when the villains are villains and do bad, unjustifiable things. Makes more complex characters too, at least in my opinion. Either way I think she could be fun to meet but given the fact that they put up the facade of 'very normal boring family' I don't think it'd go anywhere too fun.

Henchman is probably off the table tbh. Techno would instantly try and shank me for money, Wilbur is a rich little asshole and I'd just wanna fight him. Phil could be ok but since his power is 'death upon touch' I'd be playing with fire.

Sure, he's more of a crime boss than steryotypical villain, but I think meeting him would just make him think I'm a cop or something. I don't think he'd believe the 'I'm actually your creator' story.

Harbingers could be fine as well. Phil is just an insane man and neo trio are more of a passive thing than an active threat. I haven't fully fleshed out their personalities yet (besides Phil and Kristin) but I don't think they'd instantly try and murder me.

They're kinda like a physical manifestation of poison, staying around them will just slowly kill you. I haven't worked out exactly how it works but meeting them would have me walking away with various health problems probbaly.

Phil could be fun though. But he is completely delusional and will become violent if you try break what he sees as his reality. That man belongs in a ward but instead he's been adopted back by his eldritch family.

I think in the end I'd go with ODDO Phil since he's a pretty chill dude. Even in the sequel I'm working on, he's much calmer than neo trio when it comes to murder. If it's pre transformation then he'd just share little stories with me and bake me some lamb based dish.

Post transformation would be less friendly but not outright hostile, he'd be more confused about how I knew so much about him than anything. He'd probably just brush it off as some kind of magic stuff though since he's cool like that.

[pixlpxie]

But you have good placements omg, pisces are my fave water signs 😭 I love and admire your way of thinking, for me it’s like an opposites attract thing and I think Mingi may think the same way, prob not only based on his placements but also on the way he expressed his views you both would have great convos about certain topics and even get along with the sense of humor . And your combo with Sag moon and rising gives me that you’re idealistic af like him, and even more direct than him which he may like, adding to that you having water placements may encourage him to feel comfortable with emotional conversations. However yeah there’s challenging aspects, but mostly from his side 😅 as I said he has a complex combo and is very moody, and with that virgo venus is difficult to deal with, even for virgo venuses themselves, who find hardships to express love😣 This is why he may need a more dominating partner but complex like him to give him the feeling of dominance at times *cough* *cough* a power bottom *cough* *cough*. So based on his venus you may want to k_ll him from time to time and may think of his thoughts of love are too analytical for your liking and have some clashes but I don’t know if you Taurus influences can help a bit to it? 🤔 and the fact that his cancer moon and scorpio mars makes him so lovable and hot to hate his ass. This is from what I got now tho I may do a deep research about this soon 😅 i may be wrong in some things but personally i think he’ll had interesting conversations with u and he’ll probably admire how you view certain things, even maybe have a lil attraction at the beginning? 🤭 and as you’d said, I also think he’ll make a nice dom, probably a soft service dom would fit him.

for example, about the poly relationships, based on the infamous Scorpio mars and Sagittarius rising he may have deep reallyyy deep attraction about trying multiple partners at the same time because of its taboo nature but probably won’t like to try it romantically due to possessiveness, insecurity and jealousy from his part, we can see how possessive he his with Yunho, so he’ll probably find the topic interesting but is a big no no for him to try, my himbo baby would cry.

These are my two cents about it lol, as I said I may probably be wrong, but this is more personal than anything so I’ll like to know your opinion about it <3

and yeaaah, about the 3D thing, it was in a video where they’re where playing questions game kind of thing? He got asked about his favorite songs of the moment and mentioned 3D XD which same

Idk who you are but im in love with you now come out of the anon babe🙂‍↕️💕

I just know I can handle mingi and his emotional whiny ass he just has to give me a chance i could make him fall in love with me at first sight whatever he needs and wants i can give him 😋if im being honest he’d probably be almost horrified with my conversations lmao but its ok i could still challenge him a lot🥴honestly it would be somewhat a dependent and obsessive relationship? Like with all his placements yeah he is already, but we have 8th and 1st house moon synastry so :D but i need further opinion on 12th house mars (Scorpio) synastry bc i have this with most of the members (my bois are almost all mars influenced that’s so sexy of them honestly)

For poly part honestly same i feel like he’d be into it but if he ever did try it he would feel extremely possessive of his lovers and would have to trust them to the fullest to be able to commit to such a relationship and so even if he had a poly relationship, it’d be with just 2 ppl at max i don’t think he could handle more than 2 due to his need for absolute loyalty so yeah

Now ill always imagine dancing with mingi to 3d whenever i listen to it 🙂‍↕️

[drowsystarlight]

In regards to your headcannons list:

Sam Yao 16

HIII THANKS FOR SENDING AN ASK ehem okay here goes (this got long sorry)

16. Dark secrets/‘skeletons in the closet’

I have 4 things I think of in here so I’ll expand them >:) Some zrs2 and zr5k spoilers!

1. Sam gets attached to Runner Five because of his ties to the old Runner Five, Alice Dempsey. I feel like it starts like that at least. But the seasons and missions in it stretch out for months, so by the time the middle of s2 swings around I feel like Sam has worked that out (specially before the Little Lies mission in the s2 finale—his anger feels different there because it somehow really feels like it’s reserved for love and protectiveness of OUR Runner Five, and not just their number.) Don’t get me wrong though, he’s not the type to take rebounds and other people as replacement for his loss, and in zr5k i know he takes the time to heal and grieve (it’s heavily implied in there lol)—but Sam is a really emotionally driven character and I feel like him feeling affection for our runner five will be overshadowed by him losing Alice.

He’s also the type to not notice this until someone points it out. After that, he’ll think about it a lot. He won’t tell ANYBODY though. Not even whoever points it out for him (I’m thinking Maxine). He won’t elaborate and he’d rather fix it on his own instead of asking someone else and sounding like a fucking asshole since there’s really no nice way to say Hey, I think I’m starting to like this person but I keep seeing my ex in them bc of their designation so what do i do?

2. Feelings. Really deep feelings. I guess it’s not really dark but I think Sam would also hold off on telling Runner Five what he feels as long as he thinks he’s only infatuated because of Alice. Even after that—he takes a long time to show the mere tip of its iceberg. In my personal headcanon of events, Sam gets an inkling of “oh shit maybe I do like Runner Five and this isn’t just a silly infatuation anymore” when they get kidnapped in the Tightrope mission in s2. The Athena mission was honestly a shit end of that little arc bc the tone is ODD and Sam threw a fit in A Voice in the Dark but he’s knitting all chill and cool after they got tortured by Van Ark?? LMAO?? Also I was told the knitting is a reference to Odysseus’s wife waiting for him to come home and I’m just here like Hahaha s2s are you Saying he is the malewife YOU AINT SLICK

Anyway. That. And then he gets the scare of his life in the s2 finale when Sara is revealed to be the traitor—like, you can HEAR him sound so angry but also so so worried. He’d been friends with Eight longer than he knew Runner Five so Sam is well-versed with what Sara is capable of. He’d also seen it in the moments prior to this event. I personally think that when Sara cut him off of comms, his brain just went wild with worst case scenarios (haha here’s a song that makes me think of this) and it’s when he gets this dawning realization that he DOES have feelings. It’s real and oh so horrifying because it’s not that Sam doesn’t want to lose them, it’s that he can’t. He can’t afford to. Because god knows he’s hanging on a thin thread and if he loses another person he loves, he doesn’t know if he can keep going.

But he can’t say that for a million reasons; he can’t let Five know he depends on them that much, can’t let anyone know he originally started feeling this way because of their number, can’t let anyone know he’s not as optimistic and strong as he likes to seem. Apart from his affection for Runner Five, Sam keeps most of his emotions hidden under wraps because there’s rly no time to feel things in the apocalypse. I think he’d lie about it even if his actions and words betray him all the time. He doesn’t want to be seen as soft either and has somehow fooled himself into thinking that not outwardly showing his feelings equates to bravery or strength.

3. He feels alive as a Radio Operator and feels useless otherwise. I know he mentions this in AVITD but I wanted to expand on it! Sam forces himself to operate in the comms shack even when he was sick (this was a side mission in s2) and I think it’s because he sees this as his only purpose. Y’know how people say Everyone in Abel pulls their weight? And how some runners probably resent radio operators because of how they’re guiding them in safety while runners are out endanger their lives in the field? Yyyyeah. This guy probably overworks just to prove he’s pulling his own weight.

Basically; that thing that Sara said about feeling the most alive when running away from zombies, and that’s probably horrible or something? I think Sam is like that too, as a Radio Operator. He feels pride and confidence when his runners get home safely. He feels euphoric when he manages to help them evade a horde or an obstacle. And when he fucks up, he takes it twice as hard because it proves that he sucks at his job and isn’t doing enough. But he’s also afraid that if anyone knew that he feels this—like he said to Runner Five, that he loves what he does—everyone would think he’s a psychopath playing video game dolls with real people’s lives whatsoever and likes it.

4. Lastly, he would kill if it meant he could keep his loved ones safe. Sam is generally a kind-hearted person but he goes ruthless and CRUEL when it comes to people who betray his own. Y’all remember Ephraim? Yeah? He told Eight and Five to dump his ass to die since he betrayed them before. He was especially fucking cruel to Nadia for trying to kill Five. Yeah. I deadass think this guy would stab someone a billion times if it means his friends would make it. And catch this; the someone also includes himself.

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now

[timefospookies]

Junji Ito Maniac: Japanese Tales of the Macabre episodes ranked from best to worst (in my opinion) with small to no explanation 😋

Kept as vague as possible to avoid spoilers :3

[Btw I LOVE ITO’S WORK but I feel like it’s very hard to translate into animation because it takes away from the magic the drawn medium provides for the story’s pacing, tone and overall look. This isn’t a criticism to Ito or the people who made the anime, it’s just things I liked and disliked in general!!]

———————————————————————

1. Tomb Town

Beautiful environments and engaging story!! Kept me at the edge of my seat! I loved the sister character (the protag’s sister not the dead one 💀). Such an interesting concept!!

2. Layers of Terror

The horror lay in the relationship between the mother and her two daughters- her desire to be adored pulled to an extreme by her selfishness

3. The Bully

Horrifying example of different abuses and its victims. How the woman fell back on old habits that she never truly regretted or grew out of. Poor Nao who remained blind to his abuser and his poor son who will suffer a terrible fate. All because the woman couldn’t move on from her childhood

4. Whispering Woman

Predictable but I honestly loved the character of the whispering woman and her story. She was so eerie but beautiful. I really wanna say she had a genuine desire to help the girl at least at some point, but it also feels somewhat manipulative

5. Long Hair in the Attic

I wanted her to better herself to badly :(((

I love the protagonist and her sister pls make them happy :(

6. The Story of the Mysterious Tunnel

A little dull at times but the concept is so terrifying and the horror was so well drawn!! I loved the protag and the little sister

7. Tomie’s Photos

Beautiful and horrifying at once!! The storyline was engaging and personally I loved the protagonist. Surprised me how chill she was after witnessing the brutality that Tomie’s henchmen did tho💀💀💀💀 like “oh well better clean up ig”

8. Headless Statues

Gave me the same vibes as Tomie’s Photos in the sense of the setting but it was a fun episode! Was rooting for the protag the whole way and the statues are so interesting

9. Intruder

The opening was never really explained but the concept is really interesting and I loved the characters!!! Kinda like the Scooby gang!!

10. The Strange Hikizuri Siblings

HITOSHI DESERVES BETTER I LOVE HIM‼️‼️‼️ that’s it

11. Hanging Blimp

It’s a little strange but I enjoyed it overall :]

THE PROTAG FRUSTRATED ME AT THE END THOUGH LITERALLY EITHER JUST OPEN THE BLINDS OR CLOSE THE WINDOW ITS THAT SIMPLE

12. Library Vision

Interesting!! I was surprised at the wife’s patience and understanding but I found that the story was unclear. I had to look it up on the Fandom Wiki to understand what was going on :(

13. Mold

Nice visuals, texture and quality! I appreciate the choice to make it black and white :]

14. The Back Alley

I love how you can go from disliking the antagonist to feeling bad for her!!

15. Ice Cream Truck

The ice cream guy was pretty<3

But also I loved how you already KNOW something is off. The ending was….chilling :)

16. Thing that Drifted Ashore

The pink hair guy was so pretty 💖💖💖💖💖

that’s it!

16. Soichi’s Beloved Pet

I feel like this family could make a pretty fun horror-comedy series!! Its tone was more upbeat than other episodes but it still maintained its sort of sadistic visuals. I HATE SOICHI‼️‼️‼️‼️ (I love hating him)

17. The Room with Four Walls

I HATE SOICHI I HATE HIM I HATE HIM (he infuriated me it was not enjoyable) also what was up with that carpenter guy???? Anyway overall not very engaging

18. Where the Sandman Lives

Very sweet relationship between Mari and her friend and how she’s willing to enter the Dream world to not abandon her friend. However it was mostly dull and the ending was just meh

19. Unendurable Laberynth

Maybe I just didn’t understand this one but it was kind of a bore :/

I LOVED AYA THOUGH<3

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Anyway to conclude: I hated the 3D animation but I LOVE HOW ALL THE STORIES HAVE ELEMENTS THAT CONNECT THEM (news, books, names, ect)

That is all, thank you!!!!