#and her parents STILL don't know cause they haven't put in the basic effort to check in on their daughter at her place

[roseband]

oh right that reminded me....

my mom's new thing is that she isn't leaving the "women over 60" group

she's just, commenting "well i saw my daughter yesterday for lunch, she has a good job, and she doesn't see me bc i pay her bills bc she pays her own bills with her good job, so maybe ur millenial/zoomer kids hate u cause you're insane and don't listen to them" in various iterations

i think she's having a good time with it

(but it's kinda braggy lol)

[heartshattering]

I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.

Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.

Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.

Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.

Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.

I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.

I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.

[lemonhemlock]

I just discovered your account and am so glad you also like Aegon. The reason why I like him it's not him behaving terribly, but "I try so hard but it's never enough for you and father". I mean, I am probably the only one who before the show aired watched Domina and was TGC fan and haven't heard about Ewan Mitchell. I am aware I am in minority there, but I prefer Aegon over Aemond just because of this 1 line. This line did such things to me, like I am also the firstborn child, all expectations lying on my shoulders all my life, whatever I do I am accused of not trying hard enough (in my parents' opinion) even though I have always had more successes in school, at university and now at work than my 2 younger siblings but you know, they can do something with 0 effort and they are great even though they do things without any sort of commitment, just to get job done and parents are like yes, they are so brilliant. And the whole thing with bullied and maimed Aemond, who then became great with sword and studied a lot while having Alicent's love and Criston support all the time and then you have Aegon who hasn't even 1 parent supporting him. Like both Rhaenyra and Aemond have 1 parent who has their back and Aegon has no one. To me Aegon (excluding rape and fighting pits) who drinks a lot is far more relatable than Aemond would ever be. Like, how many children felt they are not enough for their parents? I have met lots of people who are like Aegon: they have 1 parent who is neglectful, emotionally unavailable and often even physically absent and 2 parent who puts lots of pressure on child.

Another thing that I hate is saying Aemond is far better than Aegon because he doesn't visit brothels, doesn't have bastards and who isn't sulking loser. While Aegon has the strongest bond with dragon than Aemond, participated in battle against Meleys until he nearly burned to death and then managed to heal enough to hide somewhere and then kill Rhaenyra. What Aemond did? Okay, he helped Aegon with Meleys, but he joined at the end of fight where Meleys was tired and somehow weaker because of fighting Sunfyre so it wasn't hard for Vhagar to kill her and then he took army to trap and instead of returning to KL with Cole he chose to stay at Riverlands and burned them with such success that he didn't get rid of Blacks army and after he burned it basically whole army was in tact. Aemond is basically the reason they lost because he couldn't wait for Daeron to return from Old Town and left KL undefended and still people say he is so great, better material than Aegon at everything. Like Aegon and Sunfyre fought against much older and stronger dragon Meleys and the most experienced dragonrider out there Rhaenys, he was nearly burned to death so he will suffer much more than Aemond did after losing his eye because it was stated steel from Aegon's armour basically melted into his skin so it's hell more painful than just losing an eye (not to mention how much of pain it takes to have even small part of your body burned by fire and Aegon was basically burned from head to toe so burned skin from all his body parts caused him lots of suffering) and then he has a fight with Beala and Moondancer (if I remember correctly) and to save himself he has to jump out of seddle and as result he breaks both of his legs and then he returns to KL and is informed his sons and brothers and almost all allies apart from Tyland Lannister and of course Alicent and his only daughter died and then you tell me Aemond story is better/more amazing/more tragic just because he doesn't visit brothels and doesn't rape women? It's such a shame they didn't portray Aemond as one who wanted to kill Luke. What will they do with Riverlands? Make Aemond say no Vhagar no again because they like him so much? I just don't like when people point out at Aegon, say he is undeserving of love and no wonder Alicent is this way to him. No one says Alicent is not great parent. She does the same thing as Viserys - shows favouritism towards Aemond (and in future most likely to Daeron), cares about Helaena and treats Aegon as the worst thing that happened to her after she married Viserys. I will root for TGC and his portrayal of Aegon and I love how he is committed to his role even though no one beside him is.

Another old ask, so not sure if anon is still hanging around here, because I suspect my version of Aegon is a little edgier; that's if they had the chance to parse through my blog and discover that for themselves. 😅

That being said, I'm glad to see Aegon resonates with more people out there. He really could have a lot of potential to become a compelling and relatable character. The first child overwhelmed by his parents' huge expectations placed on his shoulders, who turns to substance abuse and hedonism later in life as a tool to drown out his intrusive thoughts and feelings of being inadequate and a disappointment? Kings of Westeros - they're just like you and me!

My penultimate post and the hotd critical [aegon] tag probably cover a lot of points raised in this message. However, I think anon is being a little too critical of Alicent and a little too indulgent with Aegon, coloured by their own personal experiences. Alicent and Aegon do not inhabit our world; young people today have a much wider palette of choices when it comes to their career and how they want to live their lives; social mobility is a lot better in late stage capitalism (with all its flaws) than it was within a system based on vassalage and manorialism. Alicent is harsh with Aegon not for shits and giggles or because she wants bragging rights for having a "successful" son; their lives literally depend on this and Aegon is decidedly not taking anything seriously. Alicent can't turn to Aemond or Daeron to fulfill this duty, because that's literally not how the law and succession works.

And the whole thing with bullied and maimed Aemond, who then became great with sword and studied a lot while having Alicent's love and Criston support all the time and then you have Aegon who hasn't even 1 parent supporting him. Like both Rhaenyra and Aemond have 1 parent who has their back and Aegon has no one.

Aegon would have Alicent and Criston supporting him if he put in a modicum of effort, but I don't think he even shows up to sword training because he is too hungover, not to mention studying anything.

Aemond burning the Riverlands is a wider problem with the Dance and is honestly authorial fault. Burning the Riverlands should have been an effective tactic, yet they don't seem to have any supply or transit issues and they manage to conscript a second army later on (out of what? dead peasants?). I think we can all agree that is faintly ridiculous and not something to be pinned on Aemond, a character George devised just so he could have a foil to this fave Daemon. Aemond needs to be in the Riverlands because that's where Daemon is and George really wants his Attack on Titan battle scene.

Moreover, neither the military battles or the division of allies can be explained by resorting to logic. I'm wary to see this as character fault as much as it is a worldbuilding problem.

[headandheartinhand]

i needed a space to talk without caring about a single other person's opinion or judgment over my words. because i'm 28 and still don't feel like i can trust any of my friends. some of them with some things, sure, but i'm very all or nothing. if you can't give me your all, then i want nothing to do with you. and i hold every friend to this standard, which is why i'm deeply detached from my friends. if i can only let you in a little, then why am i letting you in at all? doesn't make any sense to me.

i'm mad at the world. i'm mad at my parents. i'm mad at myself. my life feels incapable of getting better. how do i get a job that can accommodate my needs when i don't have a diagnosis. how can i get a diagnosis without insurance. how can i get insurance without money. how do i get money without a job. do you see the cycle i'm stuck in.

i tried to get on medicaid; i wasn't accepted. they said i didn't make enough money to qualify. i thought the whole point of this shit was to help people who don't make enough money.

today is mother's day. i've been crying a lot, and i haven't even slept yet. being back in my parents house after two years and many states away, it hits me so much harder just how much my parents weren't there for me. just fully 100% emotionally absent from my life. i try not to blame them. i know they've got their own struggles, and i know i've got more emotional intelligence in my pinky than they've got in both of 'em combined. but i can't help feeling bitter, hurt, and abandoned. i can't help feeling like they failed in raising me.

i hate how no one can see this but me. it makes me feel crazy, feeling all the grief and pain they've caused me, knowing nobody can see it. i hate that i got my mom a great gift and am proud of it, that i want her approval yet i don't actually wanna spend any time with her today. i hate being a 28 year old crying out for a mommy i don't have (because i'm sure as hell not crying out for the one i do have).

i think 28 years is a long time to spend alone. i know some people are surrounded by others and still feel alone. i used to be one of those people. yet i can't help but look on with envy when i walk through stores, seeing people smile and laugh with their family, friends, or partner. i want one of those. just one person, from any of those dynamics, that i can bare my soul to. that i don't have to fake happy around. that i can share my broken or burnt out pieces with. i wanna be around someone where i'm not afraid to share the mean thoughts in my head, but i'm also not feeding into their negativity or vice versa. just safely expressing my not so savory thoughts and feelings around someone who gets me.

i've put so much effort into understanding others throughout my life. even now that i don't do it as much, i still feel like i put in more effort for ppl i don't even like than most ppl in my life have done for me. and i don't mean that in the people-pleaser way that i used to; i mean it in a basic-fucking-courtesy type way. you know how they say common sense isn't so common? i feel like that's even more true about common courtesy.

so that's why i walk around a seething ball of spite these days. don't get me wrong, i still smile in everyone's face because one thing i'm never tryna do is take my bad mood out on someone who didn't directly cause it. they may have triggered it, but unless you're in my face purposefully making me feel bad, then i don't need to make you feel bad. but i know walking around holding it all in isn't good either; that's how headboards get broken during alone time lol.

i'm not sure what the solution is. i can't afford therapy. i think this blog is gonna be good for me, tho

[ibeemafu]

i was in a relationship with a girl, her name is Luyanda nombuso cele. Nombuso and i met in the transport that was taking me to school. At first,i didn't want to talk to her, cause she looked like them mean durban girls yk, and she went to ridge park college, so i knew she wasn't tapped in. I didn't want to talk to her, but this boy that was in grade 8 would always tell me that she would fw and stuff, that i had a chance. I was single at the time, so after 2 weeks of contemplation on what should i do, i ended up sitting next to her one day, and started to her. At first, i didn't fw her as much, personality wise, she wasn't for me, we was 2 completely different people, but physically????? I loved her.

So i ended up putting my number in her phone, i sent a message to myself and told her when i see the message once i get back home, imma hit her up. I didn't have my phone when i asked for her number,i would usually leave my phone at home.

We started talking.....

This was the beginning of a devastating and very emotional relationship

I saw her message on my phone, i texted her, and then we started talking. At the time, i noticed that she would reply as soon as possible to my text, She would actually put effort into her texts, i really liked that of her, it showed that she actually cares. The first few days were cool, then we went on our first call, btw, we met around the 15th September 2023, The firt few minutes of the call were good, until her dad walked in, i heard a few things he said. He was like, "ubani lo okhuluma naye" he said who are you talking, she said its just a boy from the transport,then she mutes the call, i was scared as fuck during this time, i didn't know what to do, hearing a girl getting shouted at by her dad was crazy, her parents didn't want her talking to boys and shii. i dont wanna explain everything, but what i say that eventually she started calling me baby, and she said she loves me first, that was new to me, boys are usually the ones saying i love you first, but when she said it, it was.....

Kinda shocking me, thats when i started to feel that she likes me, and i see a future with her.

fast forward to December(btw during the months September till November, we was kissing and i was grabbing her ass and shii, we saw each other every day so i basically chowed everyday, and we strarted dating after 2 weeks of talking)i noticed that there was a change in the way she spoke to me, i told her i was moving schools so we weren't gon see each other everyday anymore. So she started replying late to my text, not sending goodmorning and goodnight texts, and on calls, o would talk throughout th call, she would only speak if i asked her a question, and even when she replied, her reply would be dry asf, she would reply sometimes and say, " i don't know" "haii" or she would ask me to repeat what i just said, which meant she wasn't paying attention sometimes, or she would start singing a song in the middle of what im saying. It was annoying asl, i didn't like, i was really upset bout the things she was doing, she would only speak if i spoke first, if i didn't saying something first, we would not talk at all. So i brought it up to her, i sent a paragraph, i couldn't call or make a vn cause when i was writing, i was taking a shit, she would hear the echo and shii of th bathroom so i decided not too. After writing that, this female literally mized everything i said and replied only to the part where i said if she dont wanna work on our relationship we should just break up, and she replied wit a 16 seconds vn too, this bitch bro....

But awez, fede

i made a mistake, the first time i brought it up, it was just a paragraph, then the second time it was a paragraph and vn, wit the first one, she actually called me to talk about it, and she said she'll try and work on those things.

So then after those two times of me bringing it up, its been like 2 weeks, and i still haven't seen anything change, it just got worse, i can understand that 2 weeks is a short amount of time, but atleast a lil difference, a lil improving was gonna be enough to make me happy, but no, it was still the same, no improvement, and it was getting worse.

At this point, i was really sad and upset, it felt like she didn't care about me, some nights when im in my room, i would just sit and think, i wanted to make it work, i really did, i even told my mom about her, i saw a future wit her. I was so fucking dumb for me to actually think that was gonna happen, she didn't see a future with me but i saw one with her, crazyy.

I went on Instagram and i was talking to my bestfriend, Lwandile, i love him so much, he the best friend i could ever wish for. I was talking to him and he sent me ig accounts of girls he gonna dm, i replied and said " i need options" i was speaking out of anger at this point, i didn't mean it, cause i was loyal asf when i was with her, so loyal i cut off all the girls i was talking to just for her, all the hoes fr(not hoes but girls who fw me)

she say that dm and called me about it, her sister was talking for her, im sorry to cuss but that bitch is annoying asl, if i were to see her irl, i would literally spink kick her ass, annoying ass shawty, kept on yapping, bit what i hated more was that she was instigating dawg. I ended up making up a lie, saying my boy is logged into my account, she didn't believe me i feel, she just mized.

The talking still got worse...

So yesterday, the 1st January 2024, we was talking, late at night, i replied to her message, then she disappeared. She didn't reply to my text and went to sleep i think, idk what she be doing at night. She didn't say goodnightn she didn't even tell me she was going to sleep. She texted me in the morning, saying," goodmorning baby❤"

I looked at her text

And didn't reply

i went on with my day, posting statuses anf shii, then at 6pm, she a picture of her wearing someones sandles, and the caption said," bae's shoes " with a heart emoji.....

I

was

Shocked

confused

sad

all my emotions acting on me, i didn't know what to do, i called my friends Musa, i told him, he added a girl to the call, i asked her ehat does it mean, she basically said its chaii, its wraps, she fucking around with another nigga.

i didn't wann believe it, but i knew it wasn't hers, i mean bro, which hun wears black redbat sandles???? nobody

i aksed my boi about it and he said its probably just her brothers sandles. Niggas aint no way she would wear her brothers sandles and caption "Bae's shoes" with a heart emoji. I thought in my head she must've saw the niggas by her house, kissed, hugged,yk, the thing i would do with her, she did it with another guy. But at the same time i wondered, ig the nigga gave her his shoes, that means he walked back to the crib bare foot, or maybe he has another pare, or maybe she went to his house amd shii, wow, thinking about this really hurts me.

So i called her, she didn't answer my call, so i texted her "i guess its over"

she called me a couple minutes later, she asked about what did i mean, then i asked her what was her status about, she said the shoes are her bestfriends shoes, the female one, but i heard her bitch ass sister in the background saying that its not a females shoes, its her mans shoes, i laughed, tried to laugh the pain away. Her sister then took the phone alnd said," ok byee" and dropped the call. before she dropped i spoke to luyanda and said its over, and she said ok, she didn't give a fuck. Wow.

after that call

i felt this feeling in my chest, i didn't know what it was. It was just this new feeling I've never felt before, the worst feeling I'll ever feel, i wanted to cry, but i held my tears back, i might cry on another day, idk.

so now im sitting on the floor in my room ,writing this long ass essay about how i feel and and what happened to us

If the person reading this has actually read the WHOLE THING, you a reall ome fr, i appreciate whoever you are and i wish you the best in life, cause atleast you seem to carr about how i feel, unlike my ex.

I've dated 3 girls in 1 year, and 2 of them cheated on me, the other one didn't cheat, it wasn't working out. I wonder what imma do with my life now,but i wilj do something. Eventually i will forget about her, and move on. Its life. People come and go, we had 2 very different intentions with each other.

Look at me now

Single again

alone

lonely

all by myself.

[arlecchno]

laughs in currently on summer break ,,,,,,

speaking of that tho , ive been busying myself by playing video games so much LMAO me and my silly visual novel names ( because im too lazy to play anything that needs me to put actual effort into it hahahhahahaha - )

SO THE STORY RIGHT - its a think me and my friend have been workin on since like the end of 2021 n its like set in a royal fantasy like au , fantasy monsters are something that havent been brought up in the discussion but we have cool magic stuff LOL . the most stuff thats defined is the very basic plot idea , the MCs r named Ashe Najimek ( prince , any pronouns ) , Rin Vasilios ( princess , she/her ) , and Kiole Soubaki ( king , he/him ) . dont question ANY of these last names because najimeks is just a keyboard smash and the rest were chosen by my friend they have no significant whatsoever LOL . aaaanyways , rin and ashe are basically from this mainland where all the kingdoms are secretly feuding with eachother but in order to maintain peace for the citizens they wont start an actual war . basically its every kingdom for themselves except for their silly trading systems . ashe and rins kingdoms are like at eachothers throats now since ashe and rin were born with the most magical power their lands have ever seen and its that trope where “child gets born into power and parents use them for own benefit causing child to rebel” yada yada but WUH OH WHATS THAT IS THAT 🫢🫢😨😱 GASP ANGST ?!?????!???? yeah lets go were tormenting our characters today baby ‼️‼️ the full book will go into the struggles of rin and ashe and how they end up as a result of how they take their circumstances . and how they become friends bc of those circumstances . lovely friendship . oh and theres two others that are their guards . Sio and Erza Eztli . theyre twins n stuff . THEY WILL GET DEVELOPMENT TOO WE JUST SHANT SPEAK OF IT NOW . im planning to make them long lost siblings tho lmao ! omg ive gone on such a long rant and i still havent talked about kiole . anyways so kiole is the token mentor character which i will not go into detail because SPOILERS MAYBE . he rules the edgy edgy kingdom of DEATH AND DARKNESS and all the other kingdoms have kinda outcasted his so nobody knows the fucker outside of whispers from the shadowed souls themselves MUAHAHAHAH - ahem anyways .

HERE ARE OUR MCSSS i love them awaaaaaaa

GOSH THO GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SCHOOL STUFF THAT SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH BYE 😭😭😭

i also JUST read chapter 5 recently and like …

( for context my friends name / nickname is roof )

ANYWAYS THATS IT FOR NOW CYA LATTEEEERRR !!!!

RAHHHHH HELLO TO YOUUUU!!!! hope you're enjoying your summer break 🫂

AND YOUR STORY TOO!!!!!!! that sounds so interesting already and ROYAL FANTASY AU⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ SIGN ME TF UP BRO I LIVEEE FOR FANTASY AUS bro you got me hooked with the storyline and characters already and it's still in the works 🤞🤞 their last names are soooo creative too like even if they're a keyboard smash or whatever,,,, still so intriguing like yes sign me up AGAIN!!!! wish my keyboard makes up random and cool last names lmao

THE MCS...... please let me touch their hair i swear they've GOT to have the most silkiest hair in their kingdoms like excuse me let me bow down to them and ask them for tips and tricks 😞🙏

thank you hehe school is.... yeah whatever school's been the same for me but i thrive to live up to the day asphodelus finally ends LOL i need to get that series done before i'm even more burnt out

LMAO YOUR FRIEND'S NICKNAME BEING ROOF IS GOLD 😭 fun fact i was literally like brain dead trying to figure out some bad humour to insert in those lines but somehow ended up with that... (may or may not be a bit of a self insert because i totally don't stare at my own ceiling and wished i was the ceiling instead hahaha definitely haven't.... ever.....)

HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL THESE DAYS AND I'LL CYA LATER TOOOO💌💌

[nishisun]

suna rintaro is NOT a genius.

summary: you loved the idea of soulmates. suna rintaro didn’t. it isn’t that hard to put two and two together to realize that maybe people with different opinions on things don’t belong together.

part 2

a/n: this was literally supposed to be a series, i gave up on it because i just didn’t like the way it turned out. it used to be called “out of my league” and this was the intro. i also renamed it. just emptying drafts!! please don’t get confused with the random timeskip, once again, this was a part of a series i never ended up posting😭

WARNING!!: suggestive themes, mentions of death, idk kinda angsty but tell me if i missed anything

Soulmates. Whatever the hell that means. The idea of soulmates is something I truly don’t understand. It’s bullshit, honestly. It’s all-pervasive.

My mother always told me I'd eventually find "the one.” I used to believe that when I was younger of course. But in my opinion? It’s all cliches. It's unhelpful, and it's certainly not true. Destiny is an excuse for the weak. Why do you think most marriages end in divorce? It's 'cause people who believe they are “destined to be" assume everything will fall into place without any effort. I don't appreciate people pontificating bullshit like that just to make me feel better, especially if they haven't found their "soulmate" themselves. My sister once told me, “People who believe in soulmates are more likely to break up and encounter more difficulty in their relationship, which will lead them to give up on one another eventually.”

I sure do believe that.

My mother is a prime example. Fumeiko Suna, my dear mother. Well, she clearly hasn’t found hers. I found out when I came home after a tedious day of school in 5th grade and found my dear mother on the floor crying, with bruises all over her face and a busted lip.

Initially, I thought a burglar had broken into our home once again, but if that were the case then there would’ve been missing furniture. But there wasn’t.

In fact, the place seemed cleaner than usual. When I ran up to her and asked her what had happened, there he was. The devil himself. My father. He reeked of alcohol, and I could detect his shadow towering over me. It’s funny how that I think of it. I used to fear that son of a bitch. Now, I’m way taller than him, and hate his guts. I turned around to see a faux-sympathetic smile plastered on his face.

He explained how my mother was being “clumsy” and had fell and busted her lip on one of the corners of the kitchen table and when I turned back around to face my mother, she smiled gently and nodded in agreement. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was then I realized my father had beat my mother to a pulp.

Long story short, when I found it was my father, sure, I was frightened. In fact, I remember going into my siblings’ rooms to inform them, they shrugged it off and told me that dad had been doing it for a while now.

Over time, when my dad had found out that I was aware, he didn't mind beating the absolute shit out of my mother in front of all three of us. This was when my burning hatred for that man started. Nobody in the house even attempted to stop him. I did a few times, though. He took all his anger out on me. At least my mom had a break for the day.

I almost pitied my mother. Almost. Maybe if she was strong enough to leave him, then yeah, I’d feel bad. But she still decides to stay with his sorry ass. It’s pathetic. It’s unrequited love or whatever you call it. How could she still love that asshole?

I mean, I’m not even going to lie, I’m an asshole too, but I’m definitely not my dad. I would never want to be him. He’s not someone I looked up to, he doesn’t do anything inspirational. He’s a businessman. He travels the majority of the time, and I’m pretty sure my mom invites men over when he’s gone. I don’t care enough to find out. But if I ever hear some guy rearranging my mom’s guts, I’ll kill him. I don’t even blame my mother. What she’s doing is wrong, she knows it and so do both of my older siblings. But they don't seem to care so why should I?

Who knows why she just won’t leave him. Maybe it’s cause they don’t want to ruin how people view our “picture perfect” family. I wonder what they’d say. “I thought the Suna’s were the ideal family? I guess not.”

My dad would probably lose it if he heard that.

Both my mother and my father are the cause of this broken family of mine. They never fed me or any of my siblings the love we always desired when we were younger. They never came to any of my volleyball games when I was younger. They never applauded me for the little recitals we’d have in class in primary school. They were never even here for most of my childhood. They always put money first and left us with the housekeepers. Hell, the housekeepers probably know me better than my own parents.They failed as parents. I despise them for it. They’re most likely the reason I am the way I am, but to be honest?

I don’t give a fuck.

In fact, I should thank them! Because of how they “raised” me, i’m extremely blunt, which is why people respect me. I use the hatred I have for my family and take it out on people and no, I’m not proud of that. I may be a heartless asshole, but I like that people fear me. The hell? Does that make me a sadist? Either way, people know to never fuck with me cause I’d fuck their shit up. I’ve overheard many people say it’s ‘cause of my privilege. It probably is. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy you many other things.

If my parents were broke, I’d probably be expelled from school by now. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are forbidden on school property. I don’t even take them at school, I somewhat care about my education and health, but sometimes I just need to blow some steam. Even if I did, nobody’s gonna say shit since my dad is the head of Japan’s board of education. How did his ass even get there?

Call me lonely or cynical. Maybe I am. But how is that a bad thing? Why do people need a significant other to rely on? What, a soulmate is just going to turn my life upside down then suddenly bring me happiness? Pfft, I’m gonna need actual proof that shit like that still happens. I’ve only seen shit like that in fairy tale movies. It’s whatever, though. I can live with being alone. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and it isn’t as bad as people make it.

You loved the idea of having a soulmate. The thought of meeting someone who just understood you, accepted you for who you were, and most importantly, loved you excited you. You couldn’t wait to meet your soulmate.

But recently, you weren’t sure soulmates existed.

When your older sister, Akira, came into your room and burst into tears, it frightened you. Your older sister, the one who’d always provide you advice on relationships and how to keep one was in your room sobbing hysterically because hers hadn’t worked out.

“I just can't believe it,” she sobbed.

You couldn’t believe it either. Your sister had recently gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 9 years. They started dating at the age of 15 and managed to make things work out even after high school, and out of all those years of dating, they never broke up. Not even once.

They’d go on romantic dates on Saturdays and they’d always write love letters to one another every day, just to remind one another of how grateful they were to have each other in their lives. On Halloween, they’d dress up as fictional characters from TV shows and books and take cute selfies and bake a bunch of sweets. They’d invite you to come bake with them, but you would politely deny. You knew they were only offering so you wouldn’t feel left out, which you appreciated.

Of course, they’d argue every now and then, but at the end of the day, they always managed to talk things out. Oh to have a relationship like theirs. They were everything you wanted to have in a relationship and more.

“I really thought he was the one for me, y’know?” No, you don’t know. But that doesn't matter. What mattered was cheering your sister up.

“Maybe he wasn’t ‘the one’ Akira, and that’s okay! People come and go all the time, soulmates come and go all the time as well-”

“You still believe soulmates are real, huh?” she let out a humorless laugh and sniffed her nose, “What If I missed my one shot at love, Y/N? What if I lost my soulmate?”

That’s some deep shit.

Now that you think about it, were soulmates real? Soulmates come and go, yes, you’re aware of that, but even though they leave, it’s always temporary. Soulmates always find a way back to their other half, the piece that completes them.

Your dad never made it back to your mother.

He died in a car crash 5 years ago. Your mother and father had been arguing because she claimed your father was cheating on her since he wouldn’t let her check his phone.

You were 13 at the time. Your sister Akira was accompanying you in your room, listening to them arguing back and forth with one another. There was furniture flying across the room, glass breaking, and both of them throwing curses at each other. You were scared. They never argued in front of you and your sister. They'd bicker sometimes, but it was never anything too deep.

Eventually, your father had enough of your mother’s false accusations, and out of anger, he packed his things and left home. For weeks. It wasn’t until one of your uncles called your mother and broke the news. She didn’t take it very well.

Late 2012-early 2013.

Not many people came to your father’s funeral, his family didn’t like the fact that he and your mother were together, they said your mother was trouble, but your dad still stayed with her, even if that meant it would completely destroy the bond he had with his family. Now that’s true love, you had thought. Only your mother, Akira, the Sunas, your uncle, and you, of course, attended the funeral.

It hurt a lot. It hurt when your mother informed both your grandparents on your mother and father’s side and all they could do is put the blame on her. It hurt how they had claimed you, Akira and your mother were a hindrance to your dear father’s well-being. How could they be so cruel at a time like this?

That was the first time you ever questioned if soulmates were real. Maybe they fell in love at the wrong time? Who knows.

After your father’s passing, Fumiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, was there to help your family out financially. Your mother couldn’t even find the motivating to go to work. Your mother and Fumiko have been best friends since junior high, they’ve literally been inseparable ever since. In fact, after they both got married, they decided to live right next to each other.

Your mom didn’t cope with your father’s death very well; none of you did. But your mom had it the worst.

She would cope with alcohol and clubbing which would always result in her bringing different men home almost every night. You didn’t say much about it, you thought it would be selfish to since that’s what seemed to make your mother feel better about herself, but your sister hated it. She was already 19 and in college at the time, but when she visited and found out that your mother had basically been neglecting you, she was furious.

“Seriously, mom? This is what you’re gonna do while your 13-year-old daughter is in her room having a literal mental breakdown because of your childish behavior?” Your sister had barged into your mother’s room when she thought you were asleep, she was screaming loud.

“You’re interrupting something important, Akira. You know better than to-”

“Oh, shut the hell up mom. You’re the last person on earth to be saying shit like that.”

“Well, if you’re done, you can leave my room now. You’re being disrespectful, and this behavior is not tolerated!” Your mother was screaming now. The man in the bed covering his body under the covers and looking back and forth between Akira and your mother.

“Sakiya, maybe you should hear your daughter out-”

“Not now.” your mother scarcely interrupted the man, eye contact never leaving Akira. “Y/N has never complained about this when you were in college. She knows this is my way of coping, why can’t you understand that too!”

Akira scoffed. “So what, getting fucked by random strangers you find on the filthy streets is your way of coping? Getting wasted every damn night to the point where Y/N has to drag you up to bed is okay with you? Do you even know how much this is affecting Y/N? Did you even bother asking her how she felt? I hate breaking it to you mom, but you need serious help.”

“You selfish child!” Your mother screamed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body, getting up from the bed. “How dare you say that to your own mother?”

“I’m only telling the truth! If you’re the mother, then it’s your job to be taking care of Y/N, not neglecting her. When’s the last time you’ve engross in an actual conversation with her when you were fully sober?”

Your mother was silent. She quickly walked up to Akira and grabbed her by the hair and slammed her headfirst against the wall.

“You’ve got a big mouth! Maybe I should wash it with soap like I did back in the day, hm?” Akira was attempting to push her mother away, but she wouldn’t let go of her grip. The man that was still on your mother’s bed was in panic, yelling her name, which didn’t have any effect. He might as well stop.

"Look," Akira mumbled, struggling to get away from your mother's grip, "I know it's been hard ever since dad left-"

“Mom! Let go of her!” You cried from the door of her room.

All 3 adults froze and looked at your glassy eyes, mouths wide open.

“Hey, kiddo, I thought you were asleep?” Akira playfully said, your mother let go of Akira and crossed her arms then looked away from you.

“Well, I can't really go to sleep when there’s a bunch of adults yelling about my well-being,” you muttered incoherently. You quickly wiped the uncontrollable tears off your face and sighed.

“Honey,” your mom started, she walked slowly to you, carefully examined your face, and attempted to hug you, but you didn’t accept the offer which made your mother frown. She stopped walking until she was almost face to face with you and placed a hand on your shoulder gently. “Baby, your sister told me that you weren’t happy. Is this true?”

You looked away from her and stared dully at the floor, subtly shifting your feet, then you softly shook your head “no.”

“See Akira, Y/N is happy. So please stop stressing her out.” Your mother said through gritted teeth, then faced you once again. “Y/N honey, how about I go tuck you into bed, hm? I’m so sorry for the excessive noise that was caused.”

“Mom, how clueless can you be? Y/N looks miserable! It’s unhealthy for Y/N to be living-“

Slap.

Your mother just slapped Akira on the face.

“I know what’s best for my daughter! I am her mother! You are not the one who should be telling me how to take care of my own kid!”

“That’s enough, Sakiya.” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Fumeiko-“

“It’s fine. Sakiya, we need to talk.” It was Fumeiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, also known as your next door neighbor. She had been standing in the hallways the whole time, you didn’t even know she was there. Akira was the one who called her over.

That night your mother agreed to get help for her drinking problem. She was gone for 6 months. During those 6 months, the Suna’s took you in since Akira would be in college and you couldn’t have been more grateful.

You and Rintaro were the only kids in the house, being that you both were the same age and the others were in college. It was okay, they were all very polite, dinners were awkward, you could feel some sort of tension between the family but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

When your mom finally came back, it was awkward at first. She still seemed the same, loving and caring, just sober and free of alcohol. It was nice. You two spent the weekends bonding at the mall, watching a movie, or even getting your nails done. Eventually, she gained your trust back, and you couldn’t have been happier.

January 2017.

“Akira, don’t say that. You may not believe me now, but you are such an amazing person, don’t ever think you’ll never find love again. It’s all about having a positive mindset!” you said, thoughtfully stroking her hair as her head laid on your chest.

“I told you that.”

“You did,” you chuckled, “you should take your own advice.

“Oh, shut up!” you both laughed, and Akira let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Of course, you don't need to thank me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

— so this is one of the writings that i wrote in January 😭 it’s been in my drafts and i re-read it once and instantly hated it right after. if there’s any typos please tell me!!

— also i wanna apologize again for putting gmds on hiatus,, i feel so bad 😭 i wanna make it up to you guys but idk how so if you have suggestions pls tell me

[doubleshotofsomething]

To Hell & Back

Part Four:  “My wings are frayed and what’s left of my halo’s black”

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Summary: Your exit strategy involves your neighbour... Well, it is your neighbour.

Prompt: "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

Warnings: swearing. (Typos that will be fixed). That's it??

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

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Series Masterlist

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You weren't always this...angry.

You weren't always this spiteful and short tempered, and malicious enough to deliberately poison muffins.

At one point in life, you were everything you'd ever wanted in a friend. Kind and compassionate. Even patience was a virtue you had an abundance of.

Then, one day, some guy from Asgard came with an army of aliens and ripped a hole through your father's finances. Apparently damaging a bunch of buildings, including the one your father worked at, was bad for business and so it closed down.

Just as your mother's job had barely managed to get your family out of the red, her boss gets murdered at some important meeting that blew up – along with some world leaders. In her boss's place, the son took over and ran the company into the ground.

Luckily, your sister had a bakery that made just enough to cover your parents' costs and your summer jobs had saved you enough to get you through college. Then, some other guy came with another alien army, and decided to take half the world with him – or whatever he did

The wrong half of the world, in your opinion. You could have lived without watching your sister's husband run her business into the ground. And life would have been a little easier if you didn't have to stretch yourself thin, to make sure your mother saw the next day.

"Then half the world came back," you continue, eyes focused on the cat. "And some random family showed up in my apartment. I'm pretty sure the husband had a heart attack when he saw me–"

Bucky places another beer in front of you. You hate the taste, but coffee on an empty stomach has never worked well for you.

"–so I moved," you take a final sip of your second beer, before placing it down and reaching for the one he just placed in front of you. "Now, I'm here. Stuck with a nosy neighbour and his cat."

"You can keep her." Bucky sighs, leaning against the wall next to you. Your shoulders brush. "I don't know the first thing about cats."

You frown and look up at him. "Barnes... You are cat. And I already have you, why would I want another one?"

He scoffs, blue eyes meeting yours. "I am not that kind of lady."

"Oh god," you roll your eyes.

"Gotta buy me dinner first, doll–"

"Not a doll."

"Maybe take me dancing," he continues, lips twitching at the sight of your scowl. "If you're lucky, I might invite you in for tea."

You glance at the coffee machine, still boxed, sitting on his counter but don't comment. You know what it means, you know why he bought it, and the thought alone makes you queasy.

So you look back at the cat, curled on your bare lap, and sigh. "Sorry I came in without pants."

You don't say anything else and he chuckles. He found you in nothing but an old shirt and socks that night, so he's not really surprised.

"Sorry I helped you without a shirt." He replies. He would've answered you immediately, the second you said his name, but he had to find pants first.

Silence falls between the both of you, and it takes actual effort for Bucky to look away from you. Tempering down the disappointment that has the audacity to knaw at you, at your stubbornness, you turn back to the screen of his laptop.

He was reviewing CCTV footage of your building's basement garage. Two hours into the viewing and he heard you calling him from the balcony, so he had to pause.

Now, four hours, three beers on your side and a weird trip down memory lane later – you're helping him sift through footage at a faster rate.

"So," you begin, eyes glued to the screen. "I have a question, about that whole serum thing."

"Hmm?" It's the first question you've ever asked about that part of him, that part of his history.

"How does it work when it comes to diseases?"

Blinking, Bucky has to pause the video to look at you. "Diseases?"

You nod. "Like flu, chicken pox, tonsillitis. You know, that stuff."

"I'm confused–"

"Do you not get it or does it run through you like water?"

"What?"

"Or does your immune system just basically butcher it within the hour?" You blink at him, eyes wide with curiosity. "'Cause like, I had this friend with one helluva immune system. He never got sick, so does it work like that?"

He pauses, lips pursing as he considers you. "Do you wanna know if my blood cells can cure AIDS?"

"If that were the case, you'd be in a CDC off-site lab right now–" you put down the beer you've been cradling. "–so, no. I wanna know what kind of illness can knock a super soldier out long enough for me to use it as an excuse."

He blinks. Once. Twice. "Huh?!"

"Saturday is in a few days."

Oh.

"What does that have to do with me?" His face scrunches up into the most confused expression you've ever seen.

"As we both know," you narrow your eyes at him. "Ever since you saved my life, like the asshole you are, my parents have taken a liking to you. And since I poisoned their favourite couple last week, I'm in deep shit this week unless I can find a good reason to not show up."

"I'm not gonna apologise for saving you."

You raise an eyebrow. "Of course not. That would mean admitting it was very selfish of you."

This is not how he expected this conversation to go. Or how he wanted it to go. So, he decides to turn back to the screen and continue watching the footage.

You know you struck a nerve, and it would be easier for you to blame it on the beer, but you can't. You want answers, just as much as he does.

You want to know what gave him the right to knock down your door, or the audacity to have his friend fly you to the hospital. He won't straight up tell you, you tried when you woke up in the ICU and found him there, and it pisses you off that he might not ever tell you.

Bucky frowns at the screen. "The camera's get switched off right after I leave–" he glances at you. "Did you bribe security to switch them off?"

"We have security?"

"The guys at the front desk?"

You frown at him. You know those guys, you bring them baked goodies from work three times a week.

"Hang on," you place the cat on the couch next to you, cross your legs and turn to move closer to him. "Let me get this straight."

Your knees gently press into his thigh and he forced to look at you.

"You're telling me that Laurence with sinuses, down in the lobby, and Percy with the three-legged rabbit. Those guys–" of course you'd know that. "–they're security? For this apartment building? We have security?"

"You can't be serious–"

"We have a biometric system at the door and like cameras, and a patrol car that frequents this neighbourhood–" you're pressing a little to hard on your fingers and he's worried you just might snap one off. "–what the hell do we need security guards for?"

You continue rattling off all the safety measures the building has, which means your fingers have to suffer throughout the list, unless he does something about it.

Which he does. Almost as if instinct, his hands are clasping yours before he can make the decision to reach for them. They're warm and cold against yours, but the right kind of warm and cold that makes you frown at them.

His hands swallow yours, which isn't something that surprises you. It's the way you're not pulling away, the way you're not fighting it, the way you can't blame the alcohol because it almost feels...normal.

You haven't felt normal in such a long time.

"You gonna stop tryna break your fingers?" Bucky starts. "Or do I have to stay like this 'til you knock out?"

You blink. "Does a concussion knock you out long enough to warrant an excuse?"

"You're relentless."

"Says the guy watching CCTV footage because of a cat."

"It's... For a good cause."

"Me missing Saturday dinner is a good cause, Barnes."

He sighs. "Doll–"

"–I'll owe you one."

Bucky is about to argue, his mouth was halfway open before your words registered. That's really what happened.

It's not like he was looking for an opening or anything. A way of asking you, that wouldn't resort in an argument or anything.

It's not like those were the words he's been waiting for, for quite some time now.

Not at all.

Of course not.

But, who is he to argue with the mysterious workings of a universe.

The room you're in is dimly lit, the only light originating from the kitchen and the streetlights. But you can still see that dangerous glint in his eyes.

He grins. "Is that right?"

You swear you heard yourself gulp.

-----

"Okay–" you're fidgety and anxious, and can't seem to stand still as the elevator doors close. "–now, let's go through this again. What's our exit strategy?"

Bucky turns to fully face you. He's been trying to keep you calm ever since the parking lot, but even he can admit that he was far too distracted to be helpful.

It wasn't even his fault he was distracted, it was completely yours. When he invited you to Sarah's party , the party celebrating the expansion of the success revamp of the boat business, he had said to dress comfortably.

Not dress like you were put on this Earth to be the end of him.

He was waiting in the parking lot, the same one that had the camera's switched off right after he left, when you came barrelling towards him.

You had narrowly escaped your sister. She was getting off the elevator just as you were nearing it, so you quickly opted for the staircase beside it. You were a flurry of floral black and white and pink in a summer dress, your hair barely in place – you tried using pins and thought about ribbons, but then forgot about them when you couldn't find your other shoe – as you basically pushed him inside the car.

You used the passenger window to try and fix your hair, as best as you could. And he spent the drive trying to reassure you that you looked fine.

You looked more than fine, but he couldn't seem to muster up the words.

"Doll–"

"Not a doll." Is your automated response.

"You look fine, " sweet as sugar, is what he wants to say. "And, well, there is no exit strategy."

You gape up at the mammoth of a man in front of you. His words, a ballad of heathens in your book, echoes in your head.

"No exit strategy?" You whine, fisting his shirt as you desperately meet his eyes. "Bucky, no. Please. You can't do this."

The elevator doors open before he can respond to you. Sam is waiting on the other side of the doors, champagne glasses in both hands.

Hands still gripping into Bucky's shirt, hair almost presentable, Bucky's face flushing from hearing you say his name, and your expression portraying pure fluster. You and Bucky both turn to find Sam staring at the scene in front of him.

His eyebrows shoot up, golden brown eyes lighting up at the sight. "Okay. This definitely makes up for you being late."

Bucky blinks, seeming to snap out of his stupor. "Wait, wha–"

"No–" Sam cuts in. "–I know how you 40s guys are about kissin' and telling. I won't pry."

"Hang on, Sam–"

"Bathroom's on the next floor," he has the audacity to grin. "Just be quick about it. The speech's in twenty minutes."

With that, he steps away from the elevator, gives a curt nod and – with a Cheshire grin – walks away.

You slowly peel your hands away from Bucky and take a few steps back.

Bucky clears his throat. "So, about the exit strategy..."

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TAGS :D : @sunflowerxbarnes , @ginger-swag-rapunzel , @arctic-duchess , @sltwins , @thewayilookatbacon , @buckyisperfect , @paryl