#and he told a teacher i scared him once <3 a treasured memory

[glassamphibians]

community college is all fun and games until you make eye contact with someone you blocked on instagram four years ago

[milkybonya]

heartbroken

order 003 for anon: a large banana milk tea with strawberry popping boba for treasure’s Yedam

Warnings: angst, crying, explicit language, threats, violence

Summary: where Yedam is the badboy! at school and he has a soft spot for you ^-^ you somehow end up as his tutor and.. yeah :")

[a/n]: idk why it's so hard for me to imagine Yedam as a bad boy??? i hope i wrote this well T.T i love the badboy! concept tho hehe so i loved this,, aLSO I'M SORRY FOR SACRIFICING JEONGWOO LIKE THIS JEONGWOO ILY <3 i feel like i kind of unconsciously wrote Yedam as resembling Han Seo Jun from True Beauty hmmmm also i’ve been listening to a lot of Kang Daniel lately and am falling hard for that man so if you see this pls send Kang Daniel pics thx ily

"Everyone move the fuck aside and let me through," Yedam growls, speaking to the crowd that's blocking the classroom door. No one listens so he barges through, pushing people down to the ground if he has to just to get to class.

He doesn't care about why they've all gathered, or the poor student that has fainted at the door. He simply sits at his desk, props his feet up and closes his eyes to take a nap as all the students wonder what they should do.

"Yedam, what the hell?! Now is not the time for sleeping. A student has fainted and all you do is push people aside so you can nap at your desk?"

Yedam opens his eyes and pushes up the shades he's wearing. No one has ever spoken to him like this before, and even the students tending to the fainted person are shocked overhearing this. A relatively quiet student yelling at Yedam?

Who's this? Yedam wonders to himself, staring you up and down. He catches a glimpse of your name tag: [y/n]. I've never met this person- ... oh.

The one memory with you that he remembers: him falling off the top of the soccer goal post in an empty field just last year after class had already ended; you leaving the library and finding him there. Despite being scared of him and wanting to just leave, you approached him and gave him a piggy back all the way to the nearest hospital. He remembers the searing pain in his leg and how fast you tried to run, the wind blowing your hair in all directions as you shouted words of comfort into the wind: "It's gonna be okay! We'll get to the hospital soon, I promise."

When he later told his friend, Haruto about it, Haruto said, "I would've left you there and never looked back."

Even though Yedam knew he was joking, he can't forget how kind your actions were that day.

Is this why he isn't getting mad at you even though you're yelling in his face?

"Just let me take a nap," is all he says to you, sliding his sunglasses back down on his face. You shake your head at him before leaving the classroom, rushing to tell the teacher about the fainted student.

From that day, Yedam decides he won't leave you alone. For what reason? No one knows, not even him.

-

"Sir!"

"Yes, Yedam, what is your question?" the teacher asks, turning around from the blackboard to face the class.

"Can I change my seat?" Yedam asks.

The class laughs until Yedam shoots a glare in everyone’s direction.

"We're in the middle of a mathematics lesson, Yedam. Talk to me about it later."

"It's an emergency!"

"What's the emergency?"

"I need to sit here," Yedam says, getting up from his spot and walking to the seat on your right, tapping his fingers on the desk.

"And why's that?" the teacher asks, crossing his arms.

"Because... it's closer to the blackboard?"

Your heart is nervously racing throughout this interaction. Never in a million years would you want Yedam, the school's most renowned bad boy to sit beside you. Never.

"You've been sitting in the back for years. What's the problem?" the teacher asks.

"There's a problem. Very big one."

Yedam sits on the desk of that innocent student, sitting on their notes and crossing his arms.

"Yedam, can we talk about this later-"

"Nope. Hey... Junkyu? Can you move to my spot?" Yedam asks the student. One fierce glare from him is enough to get the student to pack up and clear the desk out.

"See? problem sorted," Yedam tells the teacher, sitting at his new spot beside you.

The teacher worriedly looks at you, noticing your discomfort.

"Well, we need to hurry on with the lesson so we'll talk about this later, okay?" the teacher explains, looking at both you and Yedam.

For the rest of the lesson, Yedam does nothing but stare at you. You don't look at him, not even once, but you can feel his eyes on you. It makes you lose focus, even though you're trying your best to take notes.

He's memorizing all of your features. the curve of your nose and lips, the colour of your eyes and how they look in the sunlight. He doesn't know why, but he just wants to look at you.

Finally, when the lesson ends and the teacher asks both of you to follow him to his office, you slam your arms down on your desk and glare at Yedam.

"Can you stop staring at me? I haven't been able to focus and you're making me uncomfortable!" you yell, silencing the chatter of the classroom.

Yedam gulps.

"I can't focus either, cause of you," Yedam says with a wink, resting his head on his palm.

You cough, shocked at his words.

"What are you saying?" you choke out.

"Let's go to the teacher's office. Whatever he says, tell him you're helping me with my studies so I need to sit beside you."

"And if I don't?" you challenge Yedam.

Yedam simply glares at you with his sharp eyes and you decide to comply.

As he lopes out of the class in a relaxed manner, you rush along behind him. In the teacher's office, you sit beside one another and across from your teacher, who sighs before he speaks.

"Yedam, I can tell [y/n] is uncomfortable with your actions. They don't want to be sitting beside you so please go back to your usual spot for the next class, okay?"

The teacher only speaks to Yedam, not even looking in your direction or asking for your opinion. You understand his intentions, but it still upsets you a little...

Yedam looks at you instead, an expectant expression on his face. Although you find him extremely annoying, his look is enough encouragement to get you to speak, even though you're about to say a bunch of lies.

"But sir, I've actually been helping Yedam with his studies these days," you croak out, gaining more confidence with each word you speak.

"Have you?" the teacher asks, raising his brow.

"They have, and you'll be seeing my improved grades soon," Yedam says, nudging you with a smirk.

"Well... if that's true, then alright. I'd better see those improved grades," the teacher says.

Yedam bites his lip while grinning, clearly glad that he'll be allowed to sit with you. On the other hand, you sigh. Who knows what kind of trouble this will bring for you...

-

After that meeting, the two of you sit beside one another in your next class. You feel your heart beating rapidly in your chest as Yedam stares at you from your right. The rest of the class has their eyes on you, too, wondering why Yedam is still sitting beside you.

"Can you please... stop staring at me," you whisper under your breath.

"I don't want to," Yedam says with a smile, continuing to look at you while his head is being held up by his palm, elbow propped up on his desk.

"I bet that [y/n] somehow seduced Yedam. They may look quiet, but they might be the slyest person on this planet," a classmate suggests from behind you.

Yedam's chair screeches backwards from beside you and he stands up, his arms swinging slightly at his sides.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Yedam asks, turning around to the classmate who was speaking nonsense. His face looks extremely angry - you've never seen him like this before.

The classmate puffs up their chest, trying to look stronger than they really are.

"I said [y/n] seduced you! And what?"

"You idiot," Yedam hisses, taking a few strides forward and smacking them in the face.

Instead of fighting back, the classmate doesn't budge. They have their head down, slowly reaching their hand up to their injured cheek.

Yedam crouches down to the seated student to meet their eyes.

"[y/n] never seduced me and never will. We've all been classmates for so long, you still can't recognize one another? Stop the bullshit. If I hear this again, it'll be more than your face that'll be harmed, you hear me?"

"Yedam, that's enough," you say, tugging at the back of his uniform blazer.

He finally turns around after a while, greeting you with such a bright smile that you wonder if he's forgotten everything that just happened.

"So, [y/n], are you gonna help me study or what?" Yedam asks you, returning to his seat."

"What do you mean?" you ask, confused.

"The teacher is expecting improved grades, so of course we should show him that, shouldn't we?"

The way Yedam tilts his head to one side while smiling at you makes your breath falter for a second.

"I-I guess we should," you stutter. Why are you suddenly getting so nervous around a jerk like Yedam? No but firstly, why is he being so nice to you?

"Okay, everyone! Class is starting, get to your- what happened to Jeongwoo?" the teacher asks, pointing to the classmate who Yedam smacked.

Jeongwoo's cheek is red and he has some ice pressed up against it.

"Got hit by a baseball. He's never paying attention to the right things," Yedam says, shaking his head.

The teacher thankfully shrugs things off. If not, Yedam would have been in deep trouble. 

You release the breath you didn’t realize you’ve been holding and Yedam pokes you with the eraser end of his pencil.

“Library after school today, okay?” he whispers. You nod.

-

Yedam watches you neatly pack up your things with his arms crossed, unconsciously smiling at the way you make sure everything is in the right part of your bag before you sling it over your shoulders and declare that you’re ready to go.

“You don’t mind taking a motorbike ride real quick, do you?” Yedam asks, glancing at you as the two of you walk down the hallway.

Shit. You’d forgotten that Yedam has a motorbike and takes the thing everywhere with him. Even though you’re a little scared to ride it with him, if that’s what he’s suggesting, you’re more scared to say ‘no’ to Yedam, so you simply nod.

Yedam is quick to notice the way you gulp, though, and how you nervously fidget with your hands as you walk, taking shaky steps.

They’re nervous... he tells himself. I’d better treat them well.

-

Yedam hands you his spare helmet. When you hesitate to take it from him, he places it over your head himself, knocking on it to show how protective it is. 

“In case anything happens, I promise I won’t let you get hurt, okay?” he tells you, holding out his pinkie finger. 

You let out a scoff at his unexpected childishness, but still loop your pinkie around his.

“I’m not scared, you know,” you exert, swinging your right leg around the motorbike as you take a seat behind Yedam.

“Sure.”

Before you can even blink, Yedam starts the motorbike and whizzes off. You’re forced to wrap your arms tightly around him out of fear, and he smiles under your warm embrace.

“You can just grab onto my blazer instead, you know,” he yells into the wind. You hear him, but pretend you didn’t. You’re too scared to move your hands right now.

After getting over some of the fear, you raise your head and admire the moving blue sky above you, the way the trees stand at the edge of the skyline and how the wind seems to surge through your veins as well as directly through you.

You don’t even realize you’ve arrived until Yedam tells you, helping you get off the bike. Regaining your senses, you stare at the glass building in front of you.

“Yedam... why are we here?” you ask him in shock. This mans really brought you to the library that’s on the other side of the city.

“I just wanted to enjoy a fun bike ride with you,” he mumbles, walking up the steps to the library.

Once the two of you find a spot, you don’t waste any time in getting right to work.

“So... what subject do you struggle with the most?”

“[y/n],” he mumbles.

“What?”

“Uh... math.”

“Okay... let’s get started with that, then.”

As you talk, Yedam loses focus, getting lost in the sweet tone of your voice, the way your hands move as you talk, and your precious lips.

“Yedam? What’s the answer to this question?” you ask, pointing to the equation you’ve written on the paper before you.

“Uh... I don’t know,” he admits. 

You sigh.

“I just explained to you how you should solve this! Did you not understand or were you not listening?”

“Um... I kind of just want to kiss you right now,” Yedam mumbles under his breath, smiling up at you with a slightly reddened face.

“What? Yedam, you’ve been mumbling all day today and it’s been scaring me.”

“Scaring you? No no, I don’t mean to scare you-”

Both of your phones vibrate on the desk and you glance at one another. You check yours and find out it’s a message from the class groupchat.

Jeongwoo: guys guys! [y/n] and Yedam are at the library across town studying together! i’m telling you, something is up...

Junkyu: says who?

Jeongwoo: sent a photo.

When you look at the photo, it’s of you and Yedam at the very desk you’re sitting at right now. Suddenly, you feel anxious. Has someone been following you? For how long?

Yedam: whichever one of you hoes is following us better fucking stop before i show up at your house and set it on fire. istg please leave us the FUCK ALONE!

Jeongwoo: shit i didn’t mean to send this to the class groupchat...

Yedam slams his phone down and looks carefully around the library.

“I found him,” he whispers before getting up and running across the library. You try to follow his trail and find someone wearing your school uniform running away with Yedam chasing closely behind.

If a fight breaks out because of you, you won’t be able to forgive yourself... you rush after them and follow them to the parking lot, which is luckily quite busy. You know Yedam won’t start a fight in such a busy place...

“You asshole, did Jeongwoo set you up to this?” Yedam grunts, grabbing your classmate by his collar.

“N-no.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Yedam growls.

“Guys, please stop! This parking lot is full of people-”

“Leave me alone!” the boy yells at the top of his lungs. People start to stare and Yedam lets go of his collar, dusting himself off. The veins on his neck are visible, showing his anger.

“If you do anything like this again, you’ll be in for it,” Yedam says to the boy before he runs away.

“[y/n], I’m so sorry-”

“Yedam, if this is what it’s gonna be like for me to help you study then I don’t want to do it!”

“I know, but-”

“Yedam, I’m scared,” you admit, starting to tear up slightly.

Yedam doesn’t know what to do, so he just sadly watches you as you cover your face and try not to cry. Then, you feel his arms around you as he presses his body against yours.

“I’m sorry, [y/n], I just... I’m sorry for putting you in this situation but I just... wanted to spend some time with you and-”

“You call this spending time with me?!” you sob into his chest.

“I’ll make them pay...”

“No, Yedam. I’ve had enough of your revenge and violence and... I just want to go back to my quiet life. Even a day spent like this has been too much for me.”

Yedam pulls away and steps back.

“I’ll pack up my stuff from the library. Please don’t talk to me ever again.”

As you walk away, Yedam silently watches you, hating himself for the fact that his heart is breaking. Why is his heart breaking?

-

The next day, Yedam is in his usual spot somewhere behind you in class, trying to sleep with his head on the desk but being unable to because you still haven’t shown up and he’s worried.

The same thing happens the next day.

And the next.

And the next.

At this point, you haven’t shown up for a week and Yedam is incredibly worried. He’s tried texting and calling you, but you haven’t replied. So he storms into the teachers’ office, demanding for your home address so he can visit you.

The teachers refuse for privacy reasons, but Yedam says he won’t leave the office until they give it to him, so they reluctantly do.

“You better not be going to bother [y/n] in any way, but to truly just visit them.”

“Do I look like I would bother [y/n]?”

“Yes.”

Yedam scoffs, leaving the office with your address in his hands. He leaves the school right then and there too, not caring about the rest of his classes for that day.

After an hour of getting lost on his motorbike searching for your home, he finally finds it. Slightly sweaty and incredibly tired, he knocks on your door, praying that you’ll open it.

“Who is it?” you sleepily ask, opening the door. Your first reaction is to slam the door shut as soon as you see Yedam, but he stops you.

“Please, [y/n],” he begs. “I’ve been searching for your house for an hour and I’m so tired... just let me in.”

Your pure and wholesome soul can’t say no to this, so you invite him in, quickly bringing him a glass of water.

“Why haven’t you been at school?”

“I think you know why,” you say, sitting on the couch next to Yedam’s.

“Because of me?”

You nod.

Yedam sighs.

“[y/n], you shouldn’t stop coming to school because-”

“The kids have stopped talking about us now, right? So I’ll come back, don’t worry.”

“Ah... right,” Yedam says with a sigh, running his hand through his hair.

“Why are you even... here?” you ask him.

“To check on you?” he says in a sarcastic tone, as if it should be obvious.

“Why?”

“Because I-” like you. He almost says it but stops himself, knowing that now is not the right time but also because what the heck?! He likes you?! Since when?! These feelings have been growing so fast on their own that Yedam can’t even keep up with them.

“Because?” you urge him.

“I was worried. Am I not allowed to be here?”

“That’s the thing, I don’t get why you would be worried.”

The truth is, you’re suspecting Yedam has developed feelings for you. You’re hoping it isn’t true, but you need to know. So you’re trying to get him to confess.

“I like you, [y/n], okay?! I know now isn’t the time but you keep putting so much pressure on me and I just...”

Your heart works harder than normal in your chest to keep blood flowing, and you wonder why. It’s not like you like Yedam or anything... right?

“I’m sorry, [y/n]. I’ll leave now,” he says, standing up and grabbing his helmet from where he left it at his feet.

Your heart races as you wonder if you should decide to do that thing you’re thinking about... should you... kiss him?

Ah, you don’t even like this jerk! Why would you do that?!

Exactly, why would you...? Why are you even considering this-

Before you know it, your body is moving on its own as you pull Yedam towards you and connect your lips to his. The sound of his helmet hitting the floor doesn’t hinder you from deepening the kiss as you realize that heck... maybe you really do like Yedam. Why else would you have butterflies?! You wouldn’t get butterflies from kissing someone you hate! Like you wouldn’t get butterflies from kissing trump-

okay sorry, i’ve lost myself here but i’m trying to say

the way Yedam is giving you butterflies is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before, and the way he wraps his arm around your lower back, holding you close makes you...

Yedam pulls away, panting slightly.

“[y/n], what the fuck?”

“Yedam... I think I like you, too.”

“You think?” Yedam teases you, grinning.

“What was that for, then?” he asks, pointing to his lips.

“Shut up,” you say, walking past him and purposely bumping into his shoulder. 

He grabs your arm and whirls you back around to face him.

“Just how the heck did we end up liking each other?” he asks you. But after looking at you for even a second, he knows. You’re beautiful, and he realized this the day you helped him when he was injured in that empty school field.

I guess for you, somehow this idiot made his way into your life, and his repeated efforts to win your love somehow rubbed off on you. But still, no one can make your heart race like Yedam does.

-

“[y/n] is back!”

“Yedam is sitting next to [y/n] again?”

“Are they holding hands?!”

You and Yedam sit side by side in class, discreetly holding hands under the desk while sharing earbuds. Sure, the whole class will probably talk and spread rumours about you dating Yedam, but who cares? You’ve found someone you love now, and that’s all that matters.

“Okay, class, let’s start the lesson,” the teacher says, only stopping to show a thumbs up and a wink in your and Yedam’s direction.

“What was that?” you ask Yedam, who smiles.

“I guess he’s showing his support for our newfound relationship?”

[mrsdobrik]

My Name Jeff - Chapter 4

Everything was dark and silent. She felt the car door opening beside her and could hear the bustling sounds of the busy L.A night. She extended her hand and felt his strong arm, he guided her, still blindfolded, to their final destination. He opened the door and, placing a hand on the small of her back, led her inside. The smell that filled her nostrils felt familiar even if she couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was exactly. 

Suddenly her eyes were uncovered and she found herself standing in front of one of her favorite paintings. She looked around till her eyes met her date’s. 

“How did you pull this off?” She looked around with tears in her eyes. They were standing in the center of an empty art gallery, a table full of her favorite foods stood before her and the view… the main event was the original of one of Y/n’s favorite paintings. She had mentioned it to Jeff (David) during one of their long phone conversations. 

“I know a guy who knows a guy…” David explained. 

“Jeff… this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I can’t believe this.” Y/n felt speechless. She stood there admiring the technique and the color for a long minute.

“I thought you might appreciate having a nice view while we eat.” David said, pulling out a chair for her. “And of course answer some questions.”

“Thank you. This is literally insane, like out of a movie.” She uttered the words looking straight into his eyes. 

“You’re welcome. Now, question eleven, wasn’t it?” David said 

“Right… but don’t act like this is not a big deal. It’s huge. Question eleven is take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.” 

“You go first” David spoke with panic in his voice. 

“Okay… so… I was born here in California. Have two much younger sisters, Alana is 9 and Emily is 7. Alana was born with a heart deficiency that has required a lot of expensive surgeries and treatments over the years which have left my family in pretty severe debt. I started working when I was sixteen to help pay those bills and I busted my butt to get a full scholarship. That  same scholarship requires me to keep my grades up so my college experience has basically been studying and working and working some more. I have two jobs, one as a barista at a coffee shop near campus and one at an art gallery just doing paperwork. I’ve loved art for as long as I can remember and I basically taught myself how to do it, I was never formally trained till I started college. So basically my life this far has been work, school and caring for my sisters.” 

“I’m sorry.” David whispered, taking her hand in his over the table. 

“It’s not your doing.” She shrugged. “Your turn”

“I was born in Slovakia, I moved to Illinois when I was six. I have 3 younger siblings, Ester, Sara and Toby. I spent most of my childhood and teen years living in a suburb of Chicago called Vernon Hills. When I finished high school I took one semester of community college before realizing it wasn’t for me and I moved to L.A with a bunch of friends.” He told his own story, just leaving out the past five years. 

“And so… sociology? Photography?” She questioned. 

“I’ve always loved taking pictures of my friends, capturing the moments we spend together. Photography is just a cool name for that.” He once again told a half truth. “Sociology is not really my thing.” He scratched the back of his neck. 

She smiled at him. “Question 12?”

“Go” He smiled back. 

“If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?” She asked.

“Time travelling” They replied in unison. They both thought back on their first date, noticing About Time was both their favorite movie. 

“Thirteen. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe I would like to know if I’ll ever find like… the love of my life or something like that.” He replied nervously. 

“That’s funny, that is the one thing I would never want to know.” She chuckled. “It’s like… what if the answer is no? Is a life where you know you will never find love worth living?” 

“You’re right. What would you want to know?” David asked deep in thought. 

“That my sister’s life will be a happy one. How long she lives matters, but to me the quality of that time is more important.” She answered candidly. 

David gave her a sad smile. 

“Let’s move on” She sighed, discreetly drying a small tear of the corner of her eye. “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?”

“I would like to be a late night host some day. I haven’t done it because the chance hasn’t presented itself yet, but I’m working on it.” He chuckled. “What about you?”

 “I would love to have one of my paintings exhibited at a gallery. I haven’t shown them to anyone because… I’m scared of rejection, of what might happen if I’m told I’m not good enough. My art has been my escape, the one thing keeping me sane through the tough patches so I don’t want that relationship to be ruined.”

“Wait, no one has seen your paintings? Not even your family?” 

“Nope, no one. Just my teachers and only for assignments, never anything personal.” She shook her head with a small smile. “Next question: What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?”

“You go” David deflected. 

“Getting that scholarship probably” She said. 

“Mine would be… probably getting that painting for the full night.” He chuckled. 

“That is no small feat! I’m honestly still in awe that you pulled it off!” She laughed. “What do you value most in a friendship?”

“Loyalty,” David said. 

She replied with a “Same here. What is your most treasured memory?”

“This is getting deep. I honestly don’t know! Probably coming here to America when I was six and surprising my mom. She thought I would be flying in the following week.” He smiled at the memory. 

“Wait so you flew here by yourself? You must have been so scared!” 

“I totally was, but I’ll never forget that day. Yours?”

“Any Christmas we got to spend together as a family” She recalled. 

After that they gave up on the questions for the night and David asked Y/n why she loved the painting so much. She told him the story of the artist, how he was considered insane and ended up painting from a mental hospital. Then she told him about the painting itself and what each of the objects that appeared in it represented. 

David loved hearing her talk about art, her eyes glimmered with excitement and her voice became more certain. You could tell she was in her element, you could literally see her passion when she talked. 

After dinner they went for a walk, hand in hand they strolled down the streets talking, kissing and laughing till their feet hurt. David’s hand tangled in her hair as he kissed her softly, the taste of chocolate and strawberries was still on her lips. His free hand settled on the small of her back, pulling her close to him. As he pulled away he saw her face, her smile and felt a pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t forget that he was lying to her, he felt disgusted by his own actions and started wondering how he would ever be able to tell her the truth without hurting her, without losing her forever. 

“Are you okay?” She sounded worried, her brows were furrowed in perplexity. 

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s getting late. I should take you home.” He said, breaking his train of thought. 

“Umm… okay…. Did I do something wrong?” She pushed, bewildered by the sudden change. 

“No, not at all. I just remembered something…” 

“Oh god, you are going to ghost me, aren’t you?” Y/n spat out nervously. 

“No, I would never do that. We are fine, I promise.” David chuckled, caressing her cheek. 

“Okay” She smiled. 

David dropped her off without a kiss goodnight. He could feel himself getting closer to her, especially since they started playing the questions game. She was being honest and real and every answer he gave was a half truth. He was in deep, the only question left was whether he could find his way out. 

He drove for a few more minutes before pulling over. With shaking hands he pulled out his phone and called the one person he knew would give him the most shit but who was his one hope to get out of the fucked up situation he had gotten himself in. 

“Dave? What’s wrong? It’s like 2am” Jason said on the other side of the line. 

“I need your help.” 

[likechild]

35 questions

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Bjork 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I’d like to be cult famous as a mixed-media artist and get to collaborate with my favorite artists on their projects as well as my own. 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Maybe for an interview, but not usually. 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

Waking up to kisses and cuddles. Going for a long drive somewhere pretty stopping all along the way. Playing in sunshine and water. Falling asleep with someone who loves me. 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

To myself, daily. To someone else, so long ago.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Body. I don’t think the mind significantly declines after 30? If anything you get wiser after 30.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I think I will die at 88 years old and I always imagined it would happen pretty peacefully and that I would accept it beforehand.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

I’m recently single. And it hard for me to realize this question is not about them anymore.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

My best friends. My bedroom. Sunshine. The ocean. Animals. Trees. Queer community. The arts. Hope.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

My family would have been kinder, more sensitive, and more supportive.

11.  Tell your life story.

Um this is a lot so I’ll go with the very basics. I was born in San Jose, CA on June 11, 1993. I lived in a house with my four half-siblings and two parents. My parents were in an abusive relationship and divorced when I was five. Since my half-siblings were not related by blood two went to live with each parent and I travelled back and forth between the two. I was afraid of my father my entire life and my mother was emotionally distant. I don’t feel I know either of them now or that they know me. I had a lot of support from friends, other families, teachers, etc. I was quite spiritual and optimistic, but I do remember the feeling of losing hope when it came to family. I moved to San Francisco in 2011 to go to college. It was a difficult adjustment, but ultimately I fit in well with city life. I met many life-long best friends in high school and early college and I am deeply grateful to them. I have not had a lot of luck with romantic love. Or in my career. I have had a lot of opportunities to travel, party, enjoy the arts, meet lots of interesting people. I have trouble validating myself, but I am ready to become the most empowered version of myself. I’ve had a few run-ins with love, i’m just now getting out of my first relationship and it was full of tenderness, affection, heart-ache and insecurity. I hope dearly the next time I love I feel safer.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

To speak many languages. Or just a general sense of confidence / direction.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d want to know the good things. And maybe how to prepare better for the bad things. Like little tips about the future.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

I think I need to reconnect with my dreams. I may have convinced myself they were out of reach and not to dream them anymore.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Traveling internationally. I dreamed of it as a child and it’s something I didn’t know if I would ever be able to do. 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Stability and intimacy. My friends are my family and I need to know that they feel the same. 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Driving down the coast with Whitney holding hands with the windows rolled down. Laying in a hammock drinking liquor and opening up our hearts to each other. Watching him set up camp in the middle of the night in a beanie smoking a cigarette. When I was his only girlfriend and I felt secure. 

18. What is your most terrible memory?

When Whitney told me he fell in love with someone else. When I spent months trying to be someone I couldn’t be for him. When he broke my heart on the first day of a state mandated self-quarantine at a time I was already feeling scared, lonely, anxious, and in need of a lover and a friend.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would move in with Anna, spend all my money on traveling, seeing friends, participating in the arts. Make a small clothing line and buy a harp. Swim more. Try to fall in love.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Supporting and encouraging each other to find our best self. Finding joy in the mundane together. Taking risks together and trusting in the importance of change and adventure. 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

They mean so much to me and when I allow myself to develop it with someone it comes very naturally to me. Unfortunately I am often to afraid to allow someone that close.

22.  Share 5 positive characteristics of yourself.

1. My intentions are always pure. 2. I can almost always see the silver lining in things. 3. I don’t judge people for their past or for their differences from myself. 4. I constantly strive to be better. 5. I still believe in love.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Not so close, not so warm. I don’t remember a lot of my early childhood now.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

It’s distant and I don’t think it’s very fixable. I’ve always felt she never tried to know me as a complex and sentient human being. I wonder how she sees our relationship.

25. Make three true I statements.

I am listening to french pop. I am in bed. I am doing my best.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share... “

..,my life with, build a home with, feel safe with, share love with.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with a partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Friendships last a lifetime for me. Once I let someone into my heart they never leave it. Even when we don’t speak or see each other anymore. Please commit to being gentle with my heart. Please commit to helping me heal from you if you decide to leave. 

28. What did you like about your last partner?

I liked how tender they were. How they wrote me poems, played me music, wrote me letters, and made me little radio shows. How often they professed their deep love and admiration for me. How passionate they were about my mind and my body. How he read me to sleep and took joy in giving me joy. How we would go on adventures to nowhere together. How we were happy no matter where we were as long as we were together.

29. What is an embarrassing moment in your life?

Im embarrassed anytime I am unhappy and unsure of myself.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I’ve cried a lot lately. In front of people and by myself.

31. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

I mean know your audience. 

32. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would want Whitney to know I love him, but he doesn’t want to hear from me. And he already knows I do.

33. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

A box of photos and love letters I’ve collected.

34. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

My mom. Because I do love her and she means well and neither of us knew how to bridge our distance.

35. Share a personal problem.

I think I need professional help in sorting out my childhood, insecurities, anxieties, and view of relationships. But it seems so difficult to obtain any help, let alone the kind of help that might actually make a difference. I try to manage everything on my own, and I fear this will only lead me in circles.

[haydenaraza-blog]

Chapter Thirteen

I cannot put into words how much my time in Japan has meant to me.

I will treasure the days with my family and friends here forever. Never before in my life have I felt so loved and welcomed and accepted as I have during this trip. When I first got to Japan I didn’t know what to expect- I had no idea what I was in for. But I went in with an open heart and mind and I’m happy to say that I will be leaving with an overflowing amount of memories.

My host family will always be my family, and my friends will always be my friends. I am so grateful for all of my experiences, and for all of the lessons I have learned.

I have come to learn many things, but here are a few of the ones I’ve found the most important:

1. Less is more.

When I was younger, this concept confused me. I mean? Less is less and more is more right? But little did I know that there has been more to this saying than just the dictionary definitions. What this saying truly means, is that you can be just as happy with less as you can with more. You don’t need as much as you think- and sometimes it’s better to have a little less of something to make it more special. I learned this lesson on day ONE when I overpacked- and I’m so thankful to have had that experience.

2. Try.

Try everything. My host father Kenji has not practiced as much english as Kumi and Yumi had before I arrived in Japan, but every time I spoke with Kenji he would always try his best to speak the english he knew. Even when his sentences were wrong or Kumi/Yumi would tease him for his mistakes, he never gave up and always kept trying to learn more and use more english. And I also mean to try new things! Try any and all new food you can- it’s worth it. I can honestly say that only ONCE did I try something that I didn’t like here in Japan. (Umeboshi: pickled salt plums. Gross. Super sour and I was NOT ready for it). But try new things as often as you can- and things that scare you too because you’ll never know if you’ll be able to try again.

3. Be here now.

These were the words spoken to me by a Buddhist Monk at the temple on Mt. Shosha before my cohort and I mediated. He clapped his hands and rang a bell and asked us if he could hear him, to which we all relied yes, and to that he said, “That is because you are here. Now. Not in the past, not in the future, but now. Be here now.” And I really took this to heart. Pay attention to your surroundings and truly appreciate the environment and people that are around you. Be here now- and don’t dwell on past or future occurrences. Let go.

4. Kindness is a gift. (And it’s free!!)

When I first got off the bus in Himeji with my suitcases in hand, I was greeted by my host family with open arms and open hearts. Their kindness was the first of many gifts that I recieved. I immediately felt welcome in their family and it made all the difference in the world. This was the same with my friends/teachers at school as well. Their kindness and generous hearts was flooring and I truly appreciated their love. People may not always remember what you say to them, but they will remember how you made them feel. So be kind, for it is a gift you can give for free.

5. Be prepared.

MAN did I learn this lesson. It’s best to have a backup plan, and a backup plan for the backup plan. And to always do today what you might not be able to do tomorrow. Life doesn’t always go as planned- and its best to be ready when it happens.

6. Share your stories.

During my time here in Japan I found that the more stories I told, the more the glass wall between me and the Japanese people would break. Story telling connects us and makes us feel apart of something different or apart of someone else’s life- and it really can brighten people’s days. So share your memories- because you never know if someone needs a good story time break.

7. Let go of comparisons.

This was another one of the lessons I’ve struggled with for some time now. But comparing really does rob you of your own joy. There will always be people with more and people with less in life, and it’s best to be grateful for what you have in order to truly appreciate your life. Be who YOU are and compare yourself to no one else. There is no one else in the world who has your memories or stories, and that is what makes you unique and special.

8. Love has no boundaries.

I learned this slowly over the course of my trip. From looking at Kumi and Kenji’s wedding/honeymoon album to watching the friendship of the girls at my school, I’ve learned that love connects us all. Despite a difference in language, culture, and geography, I can honestly say that I love all of my friends here in Japan and that I love my family as if they were my own. Love doesn’t have any restrictions- and that is something that I find amazingly beautiful.

9. Make your wishes known.

This lesson I was first introduced to when I was a little girl, curtesy of the book Phoebe and Chub, which talked about a frog(Phoebe) who wished for something and eventually told a fish (Chub) what she wanted which lead to her receiving it. While on your own abroad you have to make decisions and choices on your own- and making your wishes known makes life, quite simply, easier. Trust me.

10. Be thankful.

Now this was what I came into Japan with the intention of being. And WOW has it made the biggest impact. In Japanese culture, you say Itedakimasu before every meal as thank you to the animals that were killed by humans that you are about to eat, and Gochisosamadesda, after the meal as another thank you. I find this practice really special and sigoui (cool). It reminds me to stay grateful and humble every time I eat. But most of all- to be grateful is a combination of all the lessons I’ve learned. It makes my life brighter, and I thank the universe for giving me this experience.

All in all, I have had the trip of a lifetime. I will always remember this adventure. I’m so sad to leave, but I know that one day I’ll try to return.

To you, the reader: Thank you for spending the time to read and check in on my blog. I hope you enjoyed seeing some bits and pieces of my experience as much as I have enjoyed telling you about them. I wish you many travel blessings and good vibes.

Sayonara,

Signed,

A Teenage Optimist.

[solskinns]

(F.E.Z) Chapter 2; Getting the Amulet

The sound of a car horn stands out from a group of cars in front of the school and ready to get the kids out and ready for the bright summer “come on guys let’s get a move on” that was my friend’s cousin: Jacob and is kind of jerk when it comes to his patience.

“We’re coming Jacob, geez!” and THAT is my childhood friend Crystal. Before we could even get to the door, our annoying but not terrible teacher came outside and if you say that’s harsh listen to this:

“Imma see YOU dudes and dudettes latas!!” as usual we just smile and wave goodbye just like ‘yeah’ and ‘okay’ kinda thing. Then, we finally get in the car oh, and by the way I have to admit: Jacob has a pretty cool car.

It’s a sports car in red with a picture of an eagle seen from a top view. The hood is detachable, although he rarely uses it due to the wind. Plus, the car is slim enough to be very aero-dynamic with the exception of one’s head. Jacob doesn’t use this car unless it was urgent and/or a special occasion

“So, are you going to take us to the place you’ve been talking about so much?” I say with an annoyed tone.

“What *pfff* no, of course not” he was lying. He kicks the gas pedal into high gear with huge excitement. So if you’re wondering how I knew he was lying: uhh lucky guess. Anyway, as we pass by a lot of buildings me and Crystal tell Jacob about our last day and what happened, but he didn’t seem interested so the two of us decided to have our own conversation to pass the time such as: what we did separately, the food we had at lunch, and the lessons we took (yeah there wasn’t really much to talk about). Jacob immediately stops the car causing me and Crystal to get pushed to the back of the front seats. As we get out, we see a very old temple that looks pretty obscure unless you were in my perspective and it was right in front of you which was compiled of stone “here we are” said Jacob.

“And where exactly is ‘here’?” I ask.

“The ancient temple that I have been looking for ever since I was told about the legend in this very town”

“Ohh, that’s very interesting just like the discovery of the plastic treasure chest from the last time” I sarcastically respond.

“Hey, it was a very convincing looking chest! How would I have known it was part of a scavenger hunt for little kids?”

“And yet the chest was worth more than an average wooden chest” Crystal added. We stop the conversation and Jacob tells us to get the stuff from the trunk, we agree and get the equipment out as we go I say “what do you think it is this time?”

“It probably might be a ‘gold’ chalice” Crystal responds.

“Ha! Yeah or a ‘magical’ scepter” I bring up. We both laugh, come back, and he takes the bag and electric torch he “earned” (bought on the internet) to goes inside the temple while we follow him.

The underground place is very old and has worn out walls covered with moss as well as medieval for its time. It also had a creepily dark hallway, with a light at the end of the tunnel if that wasn’t scary I don’t know what is. We go through a few puzzles.

The first one was an ancient matching routine that had a trick to it as some looked like they shouldn’t be able to fit.  This one was simple for Jacob since he had a knack for looking deep into things. He denies this idea many times, however Crystal and I would tell him the man that was buying into the idea that the Grim Reaper was a farmer or there exists a worm that travels back in time at random points because of a failed government experiment has no room to talk.

Another puzzle had all three of us memorizing symbols that are shown for a little bit and you make the combination without looking. This one was more of a job for Crystal and her photographic memory! She says it’s nothing supernatural and she does slip up from time to time, on the other hand she also seems to do so intentionally so I’m not totally sure yet.

“it’s just a thing I can do” She would say, almost spitefully so “it’s not out of the ordinary if I can do something better than you” okay definitely spitefully.

“Yeah okay, you must be an alien or secretly a monster from those black and white movies” I respond half-jokingly. We both have a laugh about that and besides, I wouldn’t really mind if she was a supernatural being because she’s soooo super cool…yeah.

Suddenly Jacob “Well actually-“

“No!” Crystal and I collectively interrupt from his interruption.

The last puzzle required a stone of purple that had been lost to time (at least that’s what Jacob says it is) that he pulls out of his bag and hands it to me to place onto because I was…just the only person who didn’t do anything yet and therefore the doors have now opened.

Finally, we get to the last room with a platform to go with it just to give it a knock-off of a cheap adventure movie.

“Well this is ‘nice,’” I tease “you have passed the 3 trials of a literal puzzle, a memory game, and a ‘place item here’ game” I say next in the impression of a wizard telling a prophesy.

Crystal carries on my bit “And as a reward, we bestow to you, an admittedly beautiful amulet that in no way is simply plastic from a Halloween store!” and we both snicker at it.

“Cute” Jacob continued “you won’t be so sarcastic once you see what that can do” Jacob walks up the 5 steps and takes the amulet that was on the platform he puts it on and says: “I call upon death’s power!” and

…

…

…

…Nothing!

“Bravo, bravo; such a beautiful act!” I sarcastically applauded.

“Truly we are shaking in our shoes, but still touched by your performance” Crystal joins.

“Oh, would you two shut-up! Why isn’t this working?” He hits the thing a bit, scratching his head on what to do with it until he finds the center disk is able to spin on its own. “Could it be this thing here that powers it up?” He whispers as he fidgets around with it.

as this happens, Crystal looks around with me at the place and stop at some really cool statues in stone; they aren’t very detailed, though also huge in size like those titans we read about in school.

“These have weird designs that look like they came from dark ages like that bear thing there in purple” I decide to point out.

“or even the one here that has a raven” Crystal adds.

We all feel a rumbling suddenly occur that has us jump into a panic. Jacob and us looks behind him and his eyes are greeted with the large statues that seemed slouched, but beefy as a rare steak in strength that pick up their bulk.

“RUN!!” And run we did, trying to escape the soldiers. Every time I look back I see the monsters smashing everything in its path. Pillars, traps, the floor bricks themselves you name it. As if it was on adrenaline and steroids which continued to freak me out.

We find ourselves at the exit when all of a sudden; it closes off. Crystal and I try to open it in fear, but we give up and look at him with scared, concerned faces to see if he has an idea. He seems to be confused because he needed to remember, where this miracle was. He remembers, and then gets his bag out to find his lucky bomb and throw it at the wall “GET DOWN!!” I grab Crystal and move us out of the way the bomb was real lucky because it made a big hole.

Unfortunately, the luck was running out because the hole began to re-close Crystal and I gasp. Jacob looks worried, looks at us then, the amulet. This repeats for a while until he takes off the amulet, gives it to me, pushes me with Crystal into the hole, and I see Jacob smile at me one last time that said ‘Don’t worry about me’. A tear builds at my eye when I realized it, however before our landing, the hole fully closed!

We got out, but Crystal got up “Jacob!” she cries “Zero, quick open the wall” she says as she begins to do so and I follow. We bang the stone wall hoping to break it, but with no such luck we could only listen and visualize (big mistake). We listen to the sound of Jacob say “come at me dude, come at meeee!” big footsteps, monster yells, cousin screams, and then: DEAD silence!

Now the door is fading away!? We both make an effort to have it not do that which in hindsight what were we going to do? Soon the thing had fully disappeared…no evidence…no temple…no cousin…there was nothing, but us in tears for nothing, it seems.

…Crystal bursts into tears so I try to calm her down and we have both of us hug each other. I get my mom to pick us up because Crystal has to see someone else before confronting her parents.

Mom drives up to us and we get in with silence. As she drives, she wanted to hear something from us “Are any of the two of you going to tell me what happened?” she asks our sad faces.

I shook my head “not…until we get home, mom”

“…okay” she gives up and keeps driving home.

We arrive at the house and I take Crystal to be inside, on the other hand she refused and wished to go home so I had no objections.

Mom agrees to drive her home. Crystal tells her parents about what happened (while also leaving out the monster part) as I did myself. I managed to keep the amulet with me and I concluded with the following: may we never forget this day.

[mntflka]

ANNIVERSARY

“I can imagine your boyfriend being so problematic and annoyed because of how hard it is to deal with you.” She faintly utters with those side smile as she clearly remembers how those words came up from her friend’s mouth, and added, “I couldn’t agree more.” HARD is just an understatement if she is to describe how hard it is to deal with herself and at that time, she started to accept the fact that she will not be loved in a romantic way, no one can deal with her and bear with her for so long. She started to realize that it was her fault why not just one but so many people got tired of her. She started accepting that fact at the same time when her world was slowly drifting apart and started crumbling down. She lost so much people in her life that she was so afraid to live her life because she never felt so alone and even if when people tried to reach out, the fear of being too invested on people that will just end up leaving her is just so scary and is engraved deep within her that she chose to shut down everyone. Until one day, a much unexpected day, she met her Primo.

As she looks back and remembers the day that they met, she can’t help but wonder why she waited for how many hours for him to message her when she hates waiting for replies. “Sorry tumakbo pa ako na pang-amazing race para magpa-load para inisin ka kasi alam ko ayaw mo sa late reply” was his first message to her. And lo and behold that started their friendship. As days go by, it is very evident how they become so close that talking to each other about how their day went to deep talks to freaky talks became routine. “To be honest, when we met I didn’t expect it that you would mean so much to me and you are God’s answer to my prayers.” She said as she reminisces their memories together.

Before he came into her life, people knew her as someone who was independent, strong, and brave but slowly all those things started to break and shatter until she became helpless, pessimist, weak and depressed. In a span of how many months, things started to go against her when the people she values the most left her hanging. Her bestfriend left her, her barkada was mad at her, her friends ghosted on her, bad things just kept on going and going yet she couldn’t open up to anyone until things started to pile up that made her question her worth and made her think that no one really cared for her. She was lost. She wanted to give up and just end the pain and the suffering. Crying every single night inside the four corners of her room while curling up in bed and pillows soaked up with tears became the routine while asking  God to make the pain stop and make her feel numb because the Elisha that everyone knew was gone. She’s empty, has nothing else to give, and no will to live. But truly God has a different plan when He allowed her to meet someone who turned her life into 360 degrees. During a very boring and lonely night, he met this guy who told her to wait for 3 hours and she doesn’t even know what got into her but she waited. Little did she know, the guy she is literally waiting is the same guy she has been praying for- her saving. It wasn’t easy opening up at first, but Primo is not hard to be at ease with because he wasn’t the usual guy that everyone knew. He’s decent and a guy with a pure heart. Until they both started feeling weird feelings toward each other. Despite the distance, Elisha can say it was the best decision she ever made because it was with him that she was the happiest. Ever since she always wanted to have a long-distance relationship. Yeah, crazy is an understatement as what her friends say but for her, it wasn’t. Because she grew up believing that when people are in a relationship, love is not just enough to keep it going. It needs trust, loyalty, and faithfulness for it to work. She believed that distance is not a problem when two people truly love each other. Distance is just merely a number. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Other people say that no long-distance relationship lasts but for her, there are. It’s just that maybe relationships that did not last are not meant to last, they’re not meant for each other or they chose not to fight for each other. No amount of distance can break you apart if two people truly and dearly love each other because sometimes distance is also needed for us to grow. But this belief is bound to end and not last when every single day, all that she could think about is to be with him. Despite the miles apart, he never failed to make her his Princess. He never failed to make her smile. He made her want to have a future, a family, and to pursue her dreams.

If people would ask the Elisha before what she wants in the future, she would probably just answer “Have my own foundation, go to Dignitas and die.” But if the Elisha who met Primo would answer that, it would be “I want to graduate with RMT and proceed to Med. Get married, and have four kids. Have my own foundation for cancer patients and peacefully live with my family.” There’s a very big difference in how they see the future because that’s what Primo showed to her, the beauty of life that she tried to bury deep within because of all the things that life threw at her.

To the Love of My Life and my Everything: Lovey, Love, Mon Amour, Baby, Babi, Babe,Bb, Mahal, Dadi, Hubby, and my Amor Mio. I gave you my heart with no inhibitions, no questions, I gave it wholeheartedly and unconditionally even if things were so rough and hard to handle, even there were so many questions unanswered, I stayed because I love you, deeply. Do you know that saying “Loving someone is like giving them the chance to hurt you but trusting them not to”? Before we became a couple, I told you what I went through, all the shit that life threw at me, all the pain that I felt. I told you everything, every single thing. I told you those things that no one knew because I thought you were different, I thought you won’t be like those people who just left- but I was wrong. Before you left, we talked about how my life will crumble down again once you choose to leave me, and it did happen. Despite the distance, you were not just my boyfriend, you were my badest bitch, bestest bestfriend, my dad at times even. You knew everything in my life. I wasn’t dependent before you came, but you made me one. That feeling when I wasn’t even scared to lose the people around me because I knew that I have you, I wasn’t scared to be alone because I knew I have you, I wasn’t scared to try new things because I knew that when I fail, you will still be there by my side. You were not just my boyfriend but you were my other half. You lifted me up when I feel like shit, you never forgot to assure me every single day that I am worth it, you never forgot to make me believe in myself and that I am capable of doing great things.  You knew how scared I was with life but when you came you made me want to live, continue to fight and to have my own family. You were my comfort, my defender, my happy pill, and my home. You changed my life but sadly, you didn’t even stay. You chose to throw the ace card and break me all at once. You build me up but you also broke me apart into pieces, you made me feel the things I told you I’m afraid of feeling again. If I just knew that would be our last call, I should have talked to you ‘til the sun showed up, I should have not let you drop the call, I should have not said goodbye. We shared so many memories that I will forever treasure in my heart. Memories that no one can take away. But despite all the pain that you caused me, I wanna let you know that I don’t feel any anger towards you because, despite everything that has happened, I am still grateful and blessed to have met you and shared my life with you. You thought me so many things that made me who I am today and I promise not to do stupid things because I know that you wouldn’t be happy. Love, it hurts. So much. Every single day, the pain and sorrow that I am feeling just get deeper and deeper. Thank you so much for everything, Love. I hope you’re doing fine and always know that you are in my prayers. I guess, I’ll be back being that Elisha who doesn’t want to have a family once again, because it will always be you or no one else, I love you beyond words can express and I will wait for you no matter what. I am always here and will forever be here. But sadly, I have to learn again how to be alone. How to face life alone without you. Don’t worry even if no one will be there to listen to my rants and cries about acads, even if no one will call when I fail, even if no one will be there to make me smile after a very tiring day, even if no one will be there to wake me up when I need to go and attend my Chem class, even if no one will be there on the other side of the call when I’m studying, even if no one will be there to ask me to keep on revising letters, even if no one will help me look for sources if I cry because the teachers are annoying, I will try my best to be strong. I will try my very best to get that RMT, MD because I know that’s what you want me to do. To keep fighting and pursue great things. Even if I have to crawl to finish this, I will, for you because I know you believe in me. It’s gonna be hard and tough once again without you but maybe you left me for a reason. A reason that I will never know. There may be so many questions and uncertainty but there is this one thing that I am sure of and that is Te amo mucho, amor mio. Svethlana Reese, Alexander Reeve, Avery Gabriel and Ameythyst will forever be in my heart even if they won't be able to see the light. I love you so much, more than you can ever imagine. Just like what you asked me before you dropped the call, I will wait for you. I love you and I miss you very much.

PS: You know how hard it is for me to write something about yourself, and I tried. I am sorry if this is not as good as the poems you gave me.

 Will forever love you,

Doktora