#and he essentially said 'baby shit. lemme show you some REAL moves' <- how it starts.

[bumblingbabooshka]

A Klingon and a half Vulcan participate in a myriad of rituals.

[tamakiamajikistentacles]

broken. {Dabi}

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! So sorry it’s been a while since I’ve posted- between holidays, work, and this being a generally not great time of year for me there hasn’t been much room for writing. As you can see though, recent manga events totally inspired me for one last story in 2020 for ya!

He liked going out once the sun had set. Daylight hadn’t been his friend for a long time, and whatever lurked in the shadows grew disinterested as the glow of his cigarette illuminated his staples when he passed, aware of who they were seeing but uninclined to make a report.

How could they really? By day they walked the streets freely, unassuming, but beneath the moon they found sick pleasures in ways that would make any hero grimace. As dangerous as they were it couldn’t compare to the likes of him—the deranged and recognizable with only a quick glance that sent chills down the spines of millions.

He slept during the day and rose at dusk to begin sowing chaos. After all, the freaks come out at night.

The long since burned out butt of his cigarette dropped from between his lips as he approached one of the seedier bars in the slums of town. Whatever its name is or was had been lost to time and inattention to the sign hanging askew over the door but damn, they had the strongest liquor in the city and a reputation for looking the other way when criminals passed through the door. Hazy smoke stung at his eyes and throat as he entered but he’d been used to that for nearly three decades and really, what was another lungful when they were burned to hell as it was?

The blonde bartender gave him a curt nod from across the room, already reaching for the amber bottle he knew Dabi favored. Around the room were other patrons that gave an assessing glance in his direction before turning back to their drinks. All but one turned his way.

In the darkest corner of the bar sat a woman with her back to the room. He couldn’t see her face, just the contrast of her revealing shirt against the skin of her chest, but he was interested. The mysterious chick vibe always did do him in.

“What’s a cute little thing like you doing here alone?” he asked as he approached her table.

“Cute?” she scoffed, dark-lined eye rolling in clear annoyance. “You really think that?”

In what seemed like a well-practiced move she tossed her hair over her left shoulder and pulled the already low collar of her shirt down further to expose more of her chest and shoulder. Smooth skin bled into a gradient of marled blotches of red and purple burn scars, the severity of which he’d only ever seen in the mirror.

“You wanna rethink that ‘cute’ comment?” she challenged without so much as a glance at his slightly parted lips.

“Yeah,” he breathed out with a nod. “Think I wanna change it to gorgeous.”

“Look, if you wanna know how I got ‘em just ask so I can tell you to… fuck off… already…” her voice trailed off after she looked up, haughty attitude dropping as she took in the darkened skin on his face and chest. She marveled at the handsome features still so clearly defined beneath the burns and the glint of his staples in the fluorescent lights.

Seeing interest cloud over her eyes as she trailed them over his face and down his body, he seated himself in the chair across from her and folded his hands around his glass on the table.

The rough rhythm of his hips against hers scraped her back against the gnarled wood of her bedroom door and drove the staples in his lower stomach into hers but she couldn’t find it in herself to care when it felt so good. As thin as he was he was able to lift her thighs around his waist and hold her with one hand while the other pressed against her throat.

“Fuck, please,” she panted, head spinning but wanting more.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he teased, “you already got two and I haven’t even had one yet. Not exactly fair, is it?”

“Dabi!” she groaned.

He huffed out a laugh as he buried his face in her shoulder, licking at the bead of sweat that trailed from her hairline. He was close so she really wouldn’t need to wait long considering the pleasure pooling in his lower stomach was building with each smack of skin on skin.

His hand left her throat to wrap around her other thigh so he could quickly readjust his grip. Pulling her back from the door, he bounced her against him as he carried her the short distance to her bed. He sat back against the wall and guided her hips against him, smirking at her eagerness as she started riding him desperately.

She gasped when one of his hands drifted between her legs and another type of warmth spread through her. “Fuck!”

“That’s what we’re here for,” he scoffed, his other hand coming up to grip her throat once again.

A few more rotations of her hips had him surging forward to sink his teeth into her scarred shoulder as his hand between her legs drew tight circles on her clit, both of them breathing hard as they met their ends.

She slumped forward, breathing heavily as he held her steady against him while they caught their breath and heartbeats slowed. When he finally felt the calm sweep over him he guided her down to lay beside him before reaching to her night table for the pack of cigarettes he’d spotted. Placing one between his lips, he ignited a small blue flame at his fingertip to light it.

“Is that how you got your burns?” she asked in a whisper, eyes half-lidded.

He stared straight ahead, cheeks hollowing even further as he took a drag. Without looking he took it in two fingers and passed it towards her through a cloud of smoke. She grabbed it and placed it between her own lips.

“Mine are from a hero,” she said after blowing out her own puff.

His eyebrows raised and he looked down at where she laid, interest alight in his turquoise eyes.

“I used to work in this high-rise building in the western district, did normal office type shit you know? Sent faxes and filed documents everyone thought I was too fuckin’ stupid to understand because I grew up poor and quirkless,” she started. “Some low-level villains attacked a few blocks away and when the heroes came the fight was small enough that we didn’t get evacuated. We couldn’t even see anything, all we heard were sirens and for that district its background noise anyway. But then Endeavor showed up.”

Dabi stiffened as she handed the cigarette back though she didn’t seem to notice as she continued.

“He blew the fight out of proportion to make a bigger show of capturing the villains I’m sure, but when he did it lead them towards our building. Three quarters of the floors were engulfed within ten minutes.”

“Lemme guess, your floor was lucky enough to be one of ‘em?”

She hummed. “Yeah, lucky enough to land me some wicked burns and a high as fuck medical bill.”

“What? The Hero Commission didn’t cover it?”

“Nope. None of it. Despite being told not to evacuate because we were farther from the initial attack and then being caught in the crossfire that we literally had no choice in, we were told that only loss of life would be covered by their insurance payout.”

“Zero casualties?”

“How’d you know?” she drawled, reaching for the cigarette once again. “Never fucking mind that I have limited mobility with my left arm that literally impacts my day to day life or how I can’t go anywhere without being stared at like a sideshow act or that the company I worked for dissolved their branch in the district. All because of some asshole looking for glory from a fight he didn’t need to be in.”

He chuckled as he watched her finish off the cigarette and stub out the last few embers in the ashtray on her opposite night table. This chick was something else.

“How’d you feel if I told you I got my burns from Endeavor too?” he asked.

Now it was her turn for her eyebrows to rise with intrigue. “I’d ask how, when, and why the fuck you didn’t melt his face off.”

“I was just a kid,” he shrugged.

“Endeavor—”

“—wanted to make sure his son could surpass All Might. Didn’t go according to plan, at least not with me.”

Her eyes widened.

“Pushed a bit too hard on a kid who could produce flames so much hotter than his. Surprised it took so long if I’m honest, but it doesn’t matter. I’m going to kill him.”

She sat up, slowly bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, eyes twinkling with wonder. “You’re really going to kill him?”

“It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, baby,” he said with a smirk. “What—you wanna watch?”

“Fuck yes,” she breathed out. “He needs to burn. Just like we did.”

A blue flame ignited and danced in his palm. She could feel the heat on her face but it didn’t scare her like most would assume. The fire wasn’t at fault for her pain, the false hero who wielded it had been.

She looked between the flames and his handsomely stapled face.

“How can I help? I want to be a part of taking down Endeavor.”

He closed his hand and the fire disappeared in a wisp of smoke. Reaching over, he fisted the hair at the nape of her neck and brought her closer.

“I’ll let you help sweetheart,” he laughed, “but the best thing you can do right now to help me is to put that pretty mouth to work. You’re still at three while I’ve only got one.”

“THE PAST NEVER DIES!”

The corners of her lips curled upwards in a smirk as the broadcast overtook the large billboard in downtown Tokyo, projecting the voice of a now white-haired Dabi. He steamed from his quirk being overused but also from the outpouring of emotion he was finally able to confront his family with.

“Oh Dabi,” she sighed fondly.

Vengeance years in the making was unfolding in front of the entire country in real time and she was privileged enough to know it had been coming. She knew the plan and she knew the backup plans and she was essential to the very last resort plan too. Her own revenge was being carried out though not by her own hand. At least not directly.

She looked down to the slightly rounded bump beneath her sweater, caressing it gently.

“If he doesn’t kill him, I’ll make sure you do for him,” she murmured with a smile.

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! Good heavens, its been a while since I’ve done smut so that was an experience lmao. Anyway, Dabi is such a fun character for me to write and I love exploring different emotions for him!

[onlyhereforangst]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by @indestinatus 💕

tagging whoever wants to go thru this journey with me & see their accomplishments in this terrible terrible year!

1. List of works published this year:

Oh god there’s a lot, like 70 total in just 2020. I’ll try to categorize them so this doesn’t get too long 😅but here’s a cut for aesthetic on your dash.

Sequels/Partner Fics: Risk It All (for @hellokaelyn), Finally Home (to Come Back), They Always Do & Could She?, Lucky Day & Completely Yours, Fiery Trance (Two Can Play series), Obsessed (Particular Taste), Soul (to Ignited)

Smut: My Turn (sequel to My Pleasure), Worth It, Maybe We Should, Make it a Double (also a fic request), Shall We (AU)

Fic Requests: Coffee Run, Hold Still, Typical, Deal, Needed It, I’m Home, For Science, Cry Me A River, From Your Dreams (AU), Crystal Clear, Tempt Me, Your Fault, Prove It, Silent Proclamation, A Hundred Suns (angst smut), Duly Noted

Stand Alones: No More, Never Let Her Go, Life is Fragile, Pandemics & Peach Drinks, To Need and Be Needed, Never Let Go, Coming Home, Priceless, Behind The Mask, Need a Hand?

Angst: My Daisy, Status Quo, Can I Stay, I Refuse, Deal

Series/Multi-chaptered: Back Off (Better Apart, Missed The Mark, Change Her Mind, But You Do, Layered Love), Electrified (Don’t Stop (Senorita)), Here By Faith, Forgive & Forget, Angstober ‘20 (Never Has & Never Will, Only In My Head, Long, Long Gone, Do Something, Take Care, Waiting to Burn, Survive the Hell, Find Her, Never Ended Well, At All Costs, One Thing Right, Stay Away, Echoed Back, Smart Man, Not Interested, Flake Again, Release, Slipping Away)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Here By Faith mainly because of the topic. Pregnancy & Infant loss has been such a taboo topic for so long and something I have personal experience with so writing this was very therapeutic. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Shall We and only because I truly wanted way more plot in this and it turned out to be essentially just straight smut with a tiny bit of plot. But it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Ok I had 70 fics to choose from not breaking down chapters so I’m sure I’m missing something, BUT I do love - omg typing this out I realized it’s from a fic in 2019 so I can’t use iiiiiit 😩 ok so here’s a couple excerpts. I loved typing out this stream of conscious partner fics (They Always Do & Could She?):

They Always Do:

Yet this time, this time she didn’t have the chance to rebuild. Like a Trojan horse, he waltzed right up to her and slowly dismantled her defense. Joke by joke, smirk by smirk—Nick took each brick down with care. The worst part? It was so subtle, so thoughtfully done, she didn’t even notice it was happening. Didn’t see her chest being pried open, beating heart on display for him to see, and take. Never realized her greatest defenses were missing until it was too late.

That love- precious, fragile, delicate love- had managed to grow again. In her desolate, cold heart, Nick managed to bring to life an emotion she had long given up on. An emotion she was too afraid to ever feel again. Because with it came agony.

They leave, and you’re abandoned- picking up the pieces of a shattered heart.

When you love, you lose. Always.

Could She?:

But-

Even if that was love, even if he loved Ellie with his whole heart, his entire being. Was that enough? Was Nick enough? Was he deserving?

A resounding no clanged around his skull like a church bell in a Southern town on Sunday morning. He wanted to silence it, stop the shrill metal sound that started any time he pictured forever. Any time he truly thought he might deserve to love, even after all he’d done. After all the unimaginable things he’d done, the horrors he’d seen, the pain he’d caused. That bell sounded, loud and clear.

How did he deserve love when he couldn’t bear to love himself?

[...]

Could she love him despite all his misgivings? Could she love him even when he didn’t love himself? Could she love him when there was a risk he’d be taken from her too soon?

Could she?

Please love me.

But please be sure.

There’s been a couple of other inner monologues that I have absolutely loved (I like to think it’s semi my speciality? But maybe that’s super arrogant of myself?) but that’s a different post for another time.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I said it recently but I *love* when people pick out specific line(s) from my fic and choose to comment on those. More often than not it’s a line I was so proud of either prose-wise or foreshadowing-wise or whatever and I get literally giddy with excitement that someone not only noticed it but also loved it enough to comment on it 🥰but truly any kind of comment is dopamine-inducing 😉

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

As some people may have noticed (& maybe not because I did still semi-run the other main ellick blog despite it) I was somewhat absent for most of the summer/fall. I struggled for the first time in my life with mental health issues, borderline depression after being in a shit work environment, an essential worker with a company that claimed to “care” about us, a community that I once loved but showed their true colors in the midst of the pandemic & election, add in a rough pregnancy & it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t want to even move from the couch most days let alone write. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I had a lot of fun writing short excerpts from different characters’ perspectives (Jimmy, Kasie, McGee & Gibbs) in my Angstober series & honestly wouldn’t mind doing that again!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Honestly not sure, I think I’ve just generally grown as a writer - better descriptions & descriptors, better dialogue, better plots. But that could all be me seeing things 😂

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I’d love to look into writing more seriously. My husband is convinced I could write an episode script or a novel, so I may look into trying my hand at that (even though I feel I’d be god-awful at it 😅)

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Hmmmm I always appreciate the support I’ve gotten from the ellick fandom despite it being rough this year for us, wonderful people like @erinchristmaselvis, @thekeyboardninja, @hellokaelyn & @wanna-be-bold are always there to either hear me vent or cheer me on ☺️

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Haaaaah yes. Lots of it (but I bet you can’t tell because I only add mini snippets so have fun finding those easter eggs 😏)

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Always, always, always write for YOU. Not for anyone else, the kudos, hits, comments, none of it. Write for YOU. And I say this as a reminder to myself as well, it’s so hard to get bogged down in that dopamine-induced craze we search for in recognition but it’s so important to not externally validate yourself rather internally validate yourself on baby steps of growth & accomplishment. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

LOL how about all my WIPs? All of those stories I started forever ago that people call me out on not finishing months later when I swear they’ve forgotten about them 😬

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Hmmmm lemme pick one from each category because I’m indecisive 😉

Sequel/Partner Fics: Lucky Day & Completely Yours (the aaaaangst)

Smut: a tie between Maybe We Should & Make it a Double

Fic Request: A Hundred Suns (because I love me some angst smut)

Stand Alones: Pandemics & Peach Drinks (hahahaha because this was in an Insider news article at the start of the pandemic hahaha so on brand #2020)

Angst: My Daisy (I looooooove this one, but also all of the angst category lol)

Series/Multi-chaptered: literally not one of these is finished and they’re all heavy angst so take your pick 😂

15. Year word count: 103,050 in 2020 which seems like so little 😅

Here’s to 2021 being the year I finish WIPs! she says knowing she’s lying

[earthnashes]

LAST OF UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

I started playing the very second it was made available to play and just finished it last night at like 4 in the morning. And of course it destroyed me. I love this series man so much man. ;w;

SO! I don’t usually do this but I’m like, fuckin’ dyin’ to talk about it a lil bit so if ya have plans to play it, SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT. <:

-Aight so lemme just say right off the bat that this game is fucking. Gorgeous. The environments, lighting, visual design, the level design, everything was spot on. And don’t get me started on the CHARACTER MODELS. AND ANIMATION. Like bro that shit was lifelike in not just appearance, the characters emoted and carried themselves with so much life they felt legitimately real. They were all so unique too; characters had unique special ticks to just them (Like Ellie pinching her fingers when nervous or upset, or Joel standing taller and squaring himself when talking about hard subjects like he’s bracing himself for it, or Jesse giving his stunted headtilt when he talks) and expressed in a way that was just. Bruh. Aight I’mma stop but fuckin hell what they pull off with the characters in specific in LoU (both part 1 and 2) is just somethin’ outta this world.

-For anyone interested in playing it, the game is roughly 22-30 hours long if you’re just focused on the story, and much longer still if you take the time to explore and find all the little secrets. Some secrets include unique cutscenes and dialogue that are well worth the look; I haven’t found all of ‘em yet but I’m considering trying a completionist playthrough.

-Joel’s death fucking destroyed me. I’m in no way surprised he died, but it hurt regardless, just how quickly things went south for him and Tommy there. And ELLIE. FINDING HIM AND WATCHING HIM GET REKT WAS PAIN INCARNATE. Set the tone hella hard and I’m fuckin’ here for it.

-I’m not gonna lie I fully expected to dislike Abby given she rekt Joel, even though I figured it was for a pretty good reason before it was revealed her pops was the doc Joel killed. But damn. I really enjoyed Abby, a lot actually. From a gameplay standpoint I dare say I enjoyed her section more than Ellie’s since you were BLASTING ENEMIES with those fuckin’ GUNS of hers. And by guns I mean her arms’, jesus she was shredded. As a character, she felt a lot like Ellie from a different perspective and mindset, and I really appreciated the reflection the two of them had. Two sides of the same coin, basically. Also I really, really liked how killin’ Joel brought absolutely no peace to Abby at all, and you caught her beginning to regret it. And it kinda sorta acted as the catalyst to her shift in how she viewed the world. I think that’s a good portion why she latched onto Yara and Lev so hard. Perspective is everything, and there is always more than just one side of a story.

-In the same vein I had a blast learning more about Abby’s friend group, dynamics, how she lived, who she worked for and her past and everything. Of them all I think I liked Nora the most, but Mel and Manny were both reaaaalll close seconds. O:

-Speaking of, DOGS. DOGS DOGS DOGS. So many dogs man and you got to play with and pet them! Fuck yeah. That should be a rule in gaming; if you have a cat or a dog in the game, you should have a button to pet it. Also good gorl Alice is best doggy don’t fight me on this. uwu

-Jesse and Dina were the beez knees I fuckin loved them man. They were exactly the sort of folks I can see Ellie being best friends with. ALSO, this one isn’t major, but I really appreciated that there was no love-triangle here? Dina and Jesse dated, smashed, didn’t work out but they still remained good friends. Ellie’s first reaction to seeing Jesse is to confess that she and Dina kissed, and Jesse readily accepted the fact that Dina moved on (and he had too). It’s just refreshing. No bullshit love triangle there, just three people who really understood each other. Also jesus christ, I really didn’t want Jesse to die. Goddamnit. But I’m so glad they didn’t kill Dina too like, I was fully prepared to see her get fucked up. Base rule of LoU: anyone you like has a high probability of dying. ;w;

-BRO THINKING OF JESSE, ELLIE, AND DINA MADE ME REALIZE THE PARALLEL OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO MEL, ABBY, AND OWEN. Ellie’s triangle was essentially non-existent; no feelings of betrayal or anger, just understanding and love, like there was a deep-seated bond here that would weather anything. If Jesse had lived, I wouldn’t doubt he, Ellie, and Dina would have lived together to raise the baby together. Meanwhile Abby’s triangle had Owen seeming to unable to let go of the past he and Abby had together, that poor bastard was still in love with her, and how that supplemented the slow deterioration of all three’s friendship. I was sad to see Mel turn on Abby the way she did but like. I mean.  Dude was ready to leave Mel in the dust for Abby despite HIM GETTING MEL PREGNANT. Abby also kinda did drag everyone into this, even if it was of their own violation. Oof. Though it did feel like she was angry at both Abby and Owen equally, not just blaming Abby for everything there... or at least the romantic relationship part. Honestly probably one of the few times I actually enjoyed a love triangle in a story, or at least of this caliber.

-Isaac, the leader of the WLF? He was cool as fuck. I love how much character they packed into him without even showing him too much. Like there was a scene where Nora mentions she tried to question Isaac about Owen and she said “he gave her that fucking look and told her to drop it”. Hell, when he was talking to Abby, he isn’t that much taller than her but he felt like he outright dwarfed her with the way he carried himself and how they reacted to him. I love shit like that man. But anyway fuck Isaac. uwu

-Not gonna lie I kinda wish I got to see the leader of the Seraphites, but it was hella cool to learn that she had been dead already and how the Seraphites operated with and without her. I don’t think I found everything regarding that specific point in game, but it sounded a lot like a peaceful religious leader who’s words and teachings were twisted to suit the goals of corrupt members of the tribe. She was essentially an equivalent to Jesus, at least to the Seraphites.

-I honestly really loved all of the characters introduced but I have to admit that Lev and Yara were standouts. Yara’s one hell of a big sister, lemme tell you, and the lengths she went through to make sure Lev was safe really shooketh me. AND LEV. MY CHILD. MY SON. To those of you who are familiar with the LGBT+ controversy around the game, he and Ellie are what people are complaining about. Ellie because she’s gay, Lev because he’s trans.

Lev in particular was heartbreaking. His tribe were outright hunting him for who he was, as well as Yara because she chose to protect him. The mindset the tribe had was pretty much isolated to them though.

And jesus. That scene with him and his mother? Fuck.

-YARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :( BRUH that scene pissed me off, fuck you Isaac, you bastard.

-THE SCENE. WHEN YOU PLAY AS ABBY. AND YOU FIGHT ELLIE. WAS SO FUCKING COOL. AND SCARY. Ellie man, that section really showed how efficient and smart she is. She legit tricked me a few times not gonna lie, like I thought she didn’t see me but she’d pretend she wouldn’t, only to ambush me with a FUCKING MOLY. Also the fact that the game outright says “hey uhhhhh you can’t actually take her head on, she’ll fuck you up in a heartbeat bro”. Welp. A really strange mix of horror and sadness and pride there. Hm. :/

-Mom!Ellie was so fucking sweet to see. And it made me catch a glimpse of hope that Ellie actively tried to soldier through for her fam’s sake. But she clearly had demons she had to confront and I’m angry at Tommy for disrupting her and Dina’s life, but it felt necessary. Still made me sick to my stomach to watch her go after Dina fucking BEGS HER TO STAY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Speaking of Tommy, it was so sad to see how much he fell after Joel’s death. It really showed just how much he was like his brother though; underneath a gentle man is someone you best not trifle with, and is very familiar with doing horrific things to reach a goal. Because fuckin hell, Tommy is legit a badass. That sniper part was SO. COOL. Aaaaand terrifying. RIP Manny. :/

-Bro, I’m very curious to see more about the Rattlers but. They were fucked up in a special kind of way. There’s no telling what they did to those people they captured and enslaved. Seeing Abby in the state she was in after seeing her throughout all the game in tip-top shape was painful. That poor girl was literally skin and bones and... just beaten down.

-ELLIE AND ABBY’S FINAL FIGHT WAS SO SAD. I HATED (but I loved) EVERY SECOND OF IT. I was so scared Ellie had fully lost herself there, when she threatens an unconscious Lev to force Abby to fight, who at that point, very clearly didn’t want to. Honestly. Ellie clearly didn’t either, far as I could tell, but it felt like it was the only way she knew how to confront everything. Fight it, until you kill it, or you die. It also felt like Abby understood that since she was in Ellie’s shoes once upon a time.

-I don’t care what anyone else says I’m so happy Ellie let Abby go. I’m so glad she chose not to go through with it. For so long Ellie has been angry and resentful about a lot of things, and she never got a choice once throughout the majority of her journey. As much as I will 100% agree with Joel sayin “fuck this supposed cure, fuck the Fireflies”, it’s not fair of him, or the Fireflies, to just outright take that choice from her, that she didn’t really have one to begin with. She was justifiably angry with Joel and the moment she chooses to try and forgive him, he dies. Another choice stolen away from her. The fact that she chose mercy despite everything, and it was prompted by a memory of Joel, the very reason she was doing this, is profound to me. Like she finally understood why he did what he did, and why he said he’d absolutely do it all over again. Hell, she probably even reached the understanding that her and Abby really aren’t that different from one another in that aspect.

-Ellie returning to an empty home, with Dina and JJ gone, was heartwrenching. I fully understand why Dina left and she honestly had every right to, but it still hurt man. :C AND ELLIE. PLAYING THE SONG JOEL MADE/SUNG FOR HER. ALWAYS KILLED ME. But this instance in particular was something else man like fuck I balled like a baby. Especially when it was followed by the fact that Ellie and Joel were on the cusp of mending their broken relationship only for it to be ripped away man. Goddamnit.

-ELLIE AND JOEL DUET NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCKIN HELL I love this game.

-----------------------------------------

So, this isn’t really a review more than it is me just sharing some of my thoughts on the game, but if ya want me to give it a rating? 10/10. If not a perfect score? At least a 9/10.

The Last Of Us as a series is one that’s moved me more than any other game I can think of honestly (outside of Telltale’s The Walking Dead), and just like the first one, LoU2 left me thinking about it for hours after. It’s thought-provoking, it’s compelling, it’s fun as fuck, aaaaand it’s made me cry like a baby a good number of times. I also really appreciate the fact that, in this game, they actually show the consequences of your actions. Like, they made you consider the fact that you aren’t just killing grunts to get to the next enemy or mowing through mindless drones. You’re killing people, who have lives, and friends, and families.

We got to see Joel for who he was: a very broken man, with a very dark past, who has done very horrible things in this shitty post apocalyptic world, but he is a father, and protective, and loving and thoughtful, who will do anything, anything, to protect Ellie. Blood or not, Ellie is through and through his child. But Abby only saw a monster, and could you blame her? He killed her father, and countless others, and she never got the full story. Just that a man came in and killed the entire hospital, put an end to even the smallest possibility of finding a cure, killed her dad in cold blood, and walked away no problem. And then it cycles right back to Ellie, where Abby becomes her monster.

It’s just some grade-A storytelling as far as I’m concerned, and I’m someone who usually prefers happy endings. LoU always leaves me feeling bittersweet but goddamn do I love this series. I’m kinda hoping for a DLC, to be honest? Like LoU part one, where you found out about Ellie and Riley. I wanna see what happens to Ellie; I get the distinct feeling she returns to Jackson and hopefully scrounges out some semblance of a decent life there, after confronting Tommy and (hopefully) making peace with Dina. But we’ll see! uwu

[artificialqueens]

leave a light on (for me) (Kamjie) - Mac

AN: Thank you to Alex and madisonmateomicheals for helping me out with this premise. You are both stars. Also a HUGE thank you to Multi and Jole for beta-ing and being lovely as always.

Summary: Kameron has all this new technology so that her whole house rigged up to follow her commands. The only problem is, Vanjie’s is the only voice it recognizes.

Dane loved his new house.

It was fresh and clean and modern. It had enough space that Dane could host parties and get-togethers and even let a few of his sisters crash at his place if they needed to. The kitchen was huge, and the floors were wood, and his cooling bills weren’t as astronomically high as in Nashville.

But his favorite thing by far about his new house was the technology. He had hooked up all his lights in all his rooms together. Linked his Alexas. He even had a smart fridge that told him which food was about to spoil. He had essentially turned his apartment into a smart house. The inner 10-year-old nerdy science fair winner couldn’t help but smile giddily at how the commands from his mouth turned the lights on and off, made his fireplace roar to life, and played his music so loudly he was sure his neighbors hated him.

He didn’t care. He had finally found his place. A place that he made and bought and paid for with the money he earned doing what he loved.

It was a dream.

Jose also liked it.

Which was… not as important as Dane liking it, but it was nice to have his boyfriend treat the space like his own.

It had been a little over a year since they started dating, and about six months into having his own sanctuary when Dane’s tech started malfunctioning. Namely, his lights.

He distinctly remembered waking up with a full bladder to a dark room, a small arm thrown over his waist, and a goofy smile on his face.

“Bedroom lights low,” Dane spoke, and Jose buried his face in Dane’s chest in preparation for the coming light.

A few seconds ticked by.

Then a few more seconds ticked by.

The lights didn’t turn on.

Dane sighed. “Bedroom lights low,” he said more forcefully this time.

Still, nothing happened.

Dane cursed under his breath and made a move to get up, but Jose held him fast. “Nooooo, stay here.”

“I gotta get the lights on, baby.”

“Lemme try.”

Dane smiled a bit, “Have at it, but your voice is nothing like mine, I don’t think it will-”

“Turn the lights on, Alegra!”

Suddenly, the bedroom filled with light.

After wincing at the blinding white for a few seconds, Dane looked over at his boyfriend, then his lights, then his boyfriend again, confusion evident on his face.

“How-”

“You jus gotta be forceful wit it.” Dane still was looking at him like he was crazy. “Watch,” Jose said and sat up more in bed. “Alandra!”

“That’s not-”

“Turn on some music!”

The soothing sound of a gaming soundtrack filled the bedroom a moment later.

“The fuck is this? This ain’t music.”

Dane opened his mouth to argue that the Dark Souls theme song was most assuredly real music, but Jose cut him off again.

“Alexandra!”

“Still not her name-”

“Play Rihanna!”

And just as it had a moment ago, the music changed to a recognizable melody with a thrumming bass.

Jose smiled, proud of himself laid back down, and curled up to Dane’s side.

“How the fuck does that work for you?” Dane wondered aloud.

Jose just shrugged, and after his boyfriend remained sitting up, Jose sighed and pulled his boyfriend back down to the bed. He crawled up to lay on top of Dane and kissed him until he stopped thinking so much.

That was the first time it happened.

Over the next few months, whenever Dane would give a command for his home system to complete, nothing would happen, or after a short period of time, everything would happen all at once and scare the absolute shit out of him.

But no matter what Jose did or said, or called the system, it did just as he demanded. Dane had accepted it as a part of life, and while he found it inconvenient, he was rarely home as it were, so it wasn’t too irksome.

After Werq finished for the year, the couple didn’t leave Dane’s bed for over a week. They roused themselves up enough to order Postmates, trade exhausted kisses over their bed - turned dining table, and that was about it.

When they finally started feeling like humans and not adrenaline-driven sleep-deprived robots, they migrated to the living room.

Dane flipped on some Lifetime movie and let Jose meld himself to his side. The older man ran his fingers lazily through Jose’s hair, and he swore Jose started purring.

Jose tilted his head up every now and then for a kiss.

It went on that way peacefully for a few hours, until Jose got bored, as he often did, and took the commercial break as an opportunity to properly kiss his boyfriend. Dane smiled against his lips as Jose deepened the kiss. Somehow Jose ended up in his lap, and Dane’s large hands found themselves pressed to Jose’s thighs with his chest flush against the younger man.

When the two pulled back to catch their breaths, Jose tilted his head a bit then raised his voice to a shout.

“Alana! Set the mood!”

“Setting the mood.” Came an automated voice.

Suddenly the lights dimmed in the living room, the TV flipped off, and some slow melody with a thrusting bass rang out in the previously silent room. Jose leaned back down to capture Dane’s lips, but the older man stopped him with a hand to his chest.

“When did you have time to do all that?” Dane chuckled.

“Think of it as a welcome home present,” Jose winked.

Dane laughed again, and Jose kissed the smile he had left there. “I still don’t understand why it works for you! Your voice is so much lower than mine!”

Jose sighed agitatedly, eager to get back to their previous activities, “Don’t worry ‘bout it, big man, just kiss me.”

Dane didn’t have to be told twice.

…

“The fuck you mean, I don’t care ‘bout you? Why the fuck you think I’m always over here? I ain’t been home in months. I came to see yo ass first thing I do, and you sayin’ I don’t care ‘bout you?”

Dane snapped.

He was tired and lonely, and he didn’t mean it.

“You never answer your phone! You’re always too tired or too busy to pick up the damn phone. How the hell can we have a relationship if you aren’t fucking here?”

“What’re you sayin’?”

The room was suddenly eerily silent. All the fire and fury in Jose’s eyes a moment ago was replaced with worry. Tears pricked the edges of the younger man’s eyes as if he knew Dane’s next words.

“I’m saying I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

He didn’t mean it. But at the same time he did.

Long-distance relationships were hard as it was, the added pressure of fame, and followers only made it more so. Jose had never been good at answering texts on time. Dane had known that from the start. But he had brought it up so many times, and so many times Jose had promised he’d do better.

Nothing had changed.

Other than touring getting longer and schedules getting busier and hardly any time to breathe, let alone call.

Dane knew it was unfair to expect to be Jose’s number one priority, and he didn’t. He just wanted to be a priority. And it felt like he wasn’t anymore. Not the way he used to be.

So he snapped.

As soon as he said it, Dane knew he hadn’t meant it.

But the damage had already been done. So why not double down?

“You should go.”

Jose looked at him for a long moment, emotions playing like a slideshow behind his eyes. Then, he looked at the ground and left without another word.

…

Having to climb the four flights of stairs to his apartment after a grueling leg workout left Dane with barely enough energy to fish his keys out of his pocket. He managed to gather enough strength to put the key in the lock and turn it. It was quite a victory in Dane’s opinion.

“Alexa, all lights on,” Dane called out.

Nothing happened.

Dane stopped in the doorway. He looked around at his still dark apartment.

“All lights on,” he said, louder this time.

Still, nothing happened.

Dane sighed and rummaged around in the dark for a few moments before finding the couch from memory. He plopped down on the cool suede, his newly sore muscles already relaxing into the plush comfort. He sat for a moment in the darkness, brow still furrowed at why his lights wouldn’t turn on.

It took the third try before Dane got an idea.

He made his voice gruff and pitched it several octaves lower. “Lights turn on.”

In a second, the apartment was illuminated.

Dane’s heart sank.

Of course.

Of course, his fucking house still only seemed to recognize Jose’s voice. Or at least, his very terrible impression of Jose’s voice.

Dane felt a wave of emotions pass over him.

Mostly sadness.

He got up from the couch and made his way to the shower. He tried to not notice how the shower nozzle was tilted so that it angled downward more than Dane usually liked. He didn’t move it, even if the water didn’t fully enclose him in its manufactured warmth.

The tile felt especially cold on his feet, but he paid it no mind. He paid no mind to the extra toothbrush by his sink or the dirty towels that littered the floor, either. He’d pick them up tomorrow.

He didn’t pick them up the next day.

Or the day after.

He never moved the showerhead, never threw away the toothbrush, never figured out how to fix his lights.

Sometimes he would come home and not be able to bring himself to mimic his ex-lover’s voice. Some days it was just too much. He would sit in the dark and pretend that he liked it better that way.

One night everything changed.

Kameron had a local gig. Some bar around the corner that she had agreed to ages ago. It was a small affair, something to get her back on her feet. It felt good, Dane had to admit, Kameron always felt good, like an old friend.

She performed her heart out, channeled her pain in the form of an extra toothbrush into a performance that ranked in her top ten.

Dane was buzzing after the show, his fellow sisters complimented him, the ones that knew about the breakup gave him sad but knowing smiles.

“The first one back is always the hardest.” Asia had told him.

And it had been hard, it had been hard in all the same ways it had been incredible.

Dane checked his phone. He had three missed calls from Asia and one voicemail that he couldn’t make out over the pounding music from the club speakers. He shrugged and motioned for another shot from the bartender. He’d ask her about it tomorrow.

Only when he turned around to face the rest of the club did his eyes meet familiar brown ones.

Jose was watching him over the crowd, which was impressive given his height.

Dane broke eye contact as soon as his brain made the connection.

What was he doing here? There was literally no reason for him to be here. Dane agreed to this gig precisely because it was so small. This wasn’t a coincidence.

Dane downed his shot and another without thinking.

When he turned around, Jose had moved from his spot on the wall and was getting closer.

Dane turned back to the bar and gripped the wood with his whole hand, knuckles white, mind spinning due to the proximity to his ex and the added liquor. He braced himself for the tap on his shoulder or the familiar voice, but it didn’t come. He turned around slowly. Jose was nowhere to be seen.

Dane exhaled and made his way to the exit, stumbling occasionally. He couldn’t be here anymore. Couldn’t bear to see those deep brown eyes again.

He grabbed his stuff, throwing wigs and clothes into his duffle with little regard for their worth. He would fix them up in the morning. He reasoned with himself.

He pulled out his phone and made his way out of the club through the back door. He was so absorbed in ordering an uber that he hardly noticed the other body making its way back into the club.

The added alcohol made his fall that much more surprising.

In a flash, Dane was on the ground with what he knew was going to be a nasty bump on his head in the morning.

Without thinking, Dane took the hand that was offered to him and tried to right himself. He only succeeded in almost falling over again.

“You okay there, big man?”

Only then did he realize who had helped him up.

Dane yanked his arm back like it burned, and maybe it did.

Jose looked hurt, maybe he was.

The two looked at each other for a moment, all pain and rage, and sadness evident in their eyes.

“Let me help.” Jose finally whispered. “Please.” He added before Dane could snap at him.

Dane didn’t know why he nodded. He wasn’t that drunk.

He knew it.

Jose knew it.

But he found himself nodding anyways, and before he could think, Dane was being led by the hand into a car and hearing his own address out loud. The drive felt like seconds, and Jose’s fingers interlocked with his felt like home.

The stairs were a challenge, but the two, after much finagling and encouragement, managed to get to the door.

Jose let himself into Dane’s apartment without so much as a heartbreak.

He helped Dane out of his shoes and steered the taller man toward the couch to sit down for a moment.

“You gonna get the lights?” Jose spoke softly.

“They don’t work for me anymore. Not since you…” Dane trailed off, not because he didn’t want to offend Jose, but because he didn’t know if he could say it himself. Since you left.

Jose nodded, expression blank. “Then don’t worry ‘bout that now, we gotta get you to bed.”

Dane hummed noncommittally.

Jose pulled Dane up from the couch, and the two came face to face for the first time that night. They were inches apart. Dane knew his breath reeked of booze and longing, but Jose didn’t seem to mind as he instinctively moved closer to the taller man.

“JJ, I-”

Jose winced at the nickname. “No, no, babe, don’t.”

Dane didn’t let it go.

“What happened to us? We were so good once.”

“We not doin’ this now.”

Jose tried to move away, but Dane held fast.

“What were you doing there? Tonight?”

“I was in the area.”

“No, you weren’t.”

Jose sighed. “No, I wasn’t.”

The silence that stretched between them was so quiet it almost screamed.

Dane wanted to shake himself, wanted to say all the things he had rehearsed for this exact moment.

His mouth wouldn’t work.

And as the time stretched on, he started losing hope that it ever would.

Jose shook his head, finally breaking eye contact. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Okay.”

Jose lead Dane to the bedroom with their fingers interlocked. He helped Dane out of his shirt and restricting pants and sat on the edge of the bed as Dane finally laid down.

“You gonna be alright, big man?”

Dane nodded even though he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be alright.

“Good.”

Jose made to stand up, but Dane’s hand shot out to grab his arm. “Don’t go.”

“Babe-”

“JJ, please.”

Jose looked from his ex to the bedroom door then back to his ex.

The pleading in Dane’s eyes should have made him embarrassed, but he couldn’t care about that right then. He just needed Jose to stay.

Jose nodded after a minute and sat back down. “But you gotta promise to go to sleep now, yeah?”

Dane nodded happily and intertwined their fingers again.

“Activia, turn the lights off.”

Dane was out in minutes.

Jose waited a bit longer than strictly necessary to pry his hand out of the older man’s grip, and even then, he waited still. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t know why.

Jose looked up at the ceiling and wondered aloud.

“Alexa, why the fuck is this so hard?’

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

[risingsouls]

@sleepytv​ said: 😡😡 🤬 🤬 two of each. Lemme hear it baby

Unpopular Opinions, IRL and RPC Edition || Open!

[RPC/FANFICS/FANDOM 😡

You already get all my salt so it’s probably gonna be rehashing ;P

1. BUT we’ll start off hot. First one: Purity culture in the rpc.

Listen. Roleplaying is fiction. Roleplaying is writing fiction. What happens within a roleplay is just like writing say a fictional book and does not necessarily mean the writer condones it. I grew up reading Stephen King and shit okay, and I don’t believe he condones shit like murder, kidnapping, torture, or an other foul thing he’s written his fictional characters doing. The other thing is...this shit happens in real life. Not to downplay these bad things but murder happens. Cheating happens. bad things happen and people do bad things. Some of them enjoy. And there are characters that would do awful shit like murdering, cheating, torturing, etc. This does not mean the writer condones these actions in real life or supports them. I have characters that have and will murder for fucking funsies, but my ass is livid about current news in Georgia (I won’t go into it here but it’s fucking sick).

Basically, if you don’t like darker themes, don’t read/write them. And it is not your place to attack people that DO write these things. Like unless you have solid evidence that they support it in real life and it could be a hazard to actual people, you have no more business than unfollowing that person and moving on with your life.

2. This goes for just Dragonball fandom/the writing of it. The fucking trope that every husband (with the exception of Gohan as far as I’ve seen) is afraid of his wife. Like it is the most annoying thing because I’m sorry. Vegeta would not be afraid of Bulma FOR SURE. Goku has no reason to be afraid of Chi-Chi. And same with Krillin and 18. And everyone loves these ships and condones this and I’m sitting over here like, no that’s toxic. If that’s how they feel, it’s just a toxic relationship and not a loving one that the show, fanfics, and the fandom try to push. It is not the women being strong-willed and it is not the men “respecting” their wives. It just kills the relationships as a whole and invalidates them more than they already are.

Real Life Things 🤬

1. I’m tired of all the essential worker commercials and also the ones that are like “I KNOW THIS IS A REALLY TOUGH TIME NOW BUT COME BUY A CAR FROM US” and whatnot. Like stop calling me essential and making it sound like all of us that are forced to work want to endanger our lives so you can come to the store or some other bs you don’t need to do. Capitalism is shit.

2. I’m sick of seeing Tiger King everywhere. I didn’t watch it, I never plan to watch it, but from what I read that bastard deserves to be in fucking jail.]

[rcris123]

The buck fathers

“Chloe, look out!”

Too late, the car swerves out of the road, into the ditch. There’re no airbags in this thing so both of them end up slamming with their entire bodies into the board. Head bumps against the windscreen.

 “Ow...” That’s one hell of a headache if she’s ever had one. “Ow, ow ow ow...” Chloe tries to pull back slowly. “Max?...” Panic. “Max!”

She rushes over to shake her friend awake, but to no real avail. She seems to be breathing though. Shit, shit, shit-

The other car stopped as well. Two men came out, running towards them. One’s got a stupid cowboy hat.

“You okay there?” The cowboy dude bend through the window, then grimaced when seeing Max like she was. “Shit... Buck, call 911!”

“On it already.”

“Can you get out, miss?” The man said, extending a hand.

“I... Think so.” Chloe tried to pull herself out of where she got crashed to.

“They’re on their way here!” the other, ‘Buck’, beckoned, somewhere between her car and their own, just putting his phone back in his pocket.

With just a little help, a bit of a struggle, heart running a minute a mile, Chloe got out of the wreckage and that’s when realization sunk in, faster than the ache in her ankle and knee:

“Shit... Shit shit! Fuck! Fuck no...” She hit a stone with her foot, pursing her lips and rolling her fists when the bristle pain shot up through the leg. And let’s not even mention feeling like she’ll fall over ‘cause her head was as big as a bowling ball and twice as heavy, hurting like it just came out of the goddamn track after hitting all the pins.

That was all she got left of Arcadia. That car and Max.

The car’s ruined...

The cowboy, a massive dude with a real thick southern - or maybe it was midwestern – accent, came nearer, hands raised as if trying to pet her. She’s no animal.

“Miss?...”

But she doesn’t pull away when the man tries to put one of those hands on her shoulder. She could use the comfort, well at least that’s what she thinks...

“Just call me Chloe...”

“I’m Arthur. Arthur Castellanos. You a’right there? Bumped ye’r head or somethin?”

“...I’ll live-”

The somewhat silence that settled in after the crash got busted by the cries of a small child.

“Daddy?” A girl, maybe 10 or 12 pokes her head out of the van the two strangers got out of. “Isaac’s...”

“Want me to check up on him?” Arthur shouts over to ‘Buck’. Guess they were partners and that was one weird fucking petname.

“No, no, I got this.” The brunet heads back into the car. There’s some mumbling, then the man gets out of the car with the baby.

She can’t help it; she doesn’t have the nerves not to talk about something: “So... urhm, that your kid?”

“Yea-”

A muffled sound from the car, movement: “Chloe-”

Sprained ankle and all Chloe jumps towards the car, towards her one and only thing in this world. “Max!” Mister Cowboy Arthur follows, arms raised as if trying to stop them from doing something.

“Now you take it easy, miss. There’s an ambulance on the way here.” He talks, but between them, and Max still tries to stand up. A sigh: “Can you get out?”

“Yeah.” Why was her voice so weak, drained. It reminded her of that crazy week back- well she can’t call it a home now. Poof! One tornado and it vanished.

“Lemme help ya’ out.” Arthur huffs, arms like tree branches stretching inside to get Max out. And there she was.

“Max!” She’s not even fresh out of the wreckage when Chloe presses her within her arms: “Max, oh, Mad Max.” She was scared.

“Chloe... I’m fine...”

“We’re sill gettin’ the two of you checked by that ambulance.” Arthur said; now that was a dad tone if she ever heard one. Kinda familiar in a way.

“Thank you, Arthur, thank you.” Chloe said, and soon enough both of them get seated in the shade of a tree by the side of the road. It was one of those bright, hot summer days when, if you put as much as a pinky into sunlight, you’ll get burns.

The baby’s still crying and Arthur’s gone to check up on it. She’s guessing it’s the heat and the fact that they stopped for so long so suddenly. She’s feeling sorry. She almost ran them over, and then crashed Max into a ditch. Her head falls in her palms. Really sorry. She can’t even do driving right. Fingers claw at the scalp.

Baby switches dads, and she can still hear them talking.

“We should be calling their parents.” ‘Buck’ said.

“Shouldn’t we let ‘em call ‘em themselves?”

“Maybe we should wait for the ambulance before that.”

“I guess... Did it say how long till it’s gonna get here?”

“No...”

Baby seems to have calmed down under the gentle rubs of those big ass hands: “Is Lily a’right?”

And as on cue, girl pokes her head out, springs out of the car and clings to the ‘Buck’ dad; man bends down and picks her up: “It’s okay, Lily.”

“They okay, Daddy?”

“Guess so. Maybe we should give them some water. Wanna come with me?”

And Chloe dares a look at Max, slumped against the tree, staring back at her:

“Are we okay, Max?”

“Can’t say we haven’t been through worse-” slight smile; Maxine’s gotten her lips busted.

Red lights. The ambulance.

“C’mon up, Mad Max!” Chloe shouldn’t be jumping up like she did, but there she was to assist her girlfriend.

“What happened?” the paramedic asked.

“Misses got in an accident.” Arthur replied.

“And you were witness?”

“Yeah. They were goin’ fast and swerved into the side of the road trying to avoid us. We were comin’ from the opposite direction.”

“They’re conscious so we’re going to ask them a few questions- Miss?”

“Caulfield. Maxine.” Damn, she admired her courage.

They were asked to walk for a bit, had their blood pressure and heart-rate taken and all the other crap, allergies and the like. Then they were asked to phone their relatives. Max... Where would she be without her- Well obviously in a grave.

But what if that was better...

Now they had to tell those paramedics that she was an orphan. Well Max did, and she was also obligated to call her parents; told them they’ll be reaching Seattle tomorrow. She did all the legwork. Well... Max had the plan. Chloe just sort of tagged along to it all. It’s been about a week since it all happened. They tried calling Mom, Joyce, for a few days. At first there seemed to be some hope that she might pick up. No... The phone battery died about 3 days into their journey.

She cried that night, in the car. They had to stop. She cried all night. Didn’t even remember when she fell asleep. Max even tried to convince her to drive herself that day. Not happening.

They were heading to Seattle; hoping Mr. and Mrs. Caulfield will kindly take her in. Well... not with all those kisses and the possibility of a naughty one- Did she just think that... Yeah, regardless, it didn’t sound like it was gonna happen.

But Chloe got nothing left and this was probably her best chance at anything ever.

She fucked it all up this time around. If... if only Max chose-

 The paramedics let them go, blood wiped away and a cold compress applied to Chloe’s ankle. In the meantime tho’, the guys heard all they said, and Max told them about Arcadia, ‘cause she thought they surely heard on the news about the tornado. They did...

“You can spend the night at our place, and we’ll drive you tomorrow into Seattle. We stay in Olympia City.” The brunet said; Arthur was seating the baby back inside the car.

Did they have a choice?

“I mean sure...” Chloe said, and with that they hopped in the car. The girl got in Arthur lap.

“Oh. This is Lily. And that’s Isaac back there.” Kid fell asleep, chubby cheeks smooshed against the side of the baby chair. “I’m Sebastian. And Arthur. My husband.”

“Hello~” Arthur greeted, with a silly, long, drawn out o at the end. Sebastian smiled at that. And well Chloe had to as well; there’s something about seeing married gays that kinda gave her hope...

“So we ain’t going to the Nes Percy Park today?” the little girl, Lily, said. She meant the Nez-Perce National Park, right? Jesus they were on vacation and Chloe’s ruined it for them.

“We’re gonna go tomorrow after we leave the ladies back in Seattle.”

“Yes!”

“Ah, Chloe, right?” Arthur called back. “What’s your friend called.”

“Maxine, but you can call me Max. Caulfield.”

“Chloe Price.” She added; now she didn’t think saying her surname will leave her feeling bitter...

 The ride back to Olympia city was one surprise after another. Firstly, the dudes were unironically listening to Kesha and Lady Gaga like it was the best thing ever. The Johnny Cash and other country music she can’t place. But there was that one guitar solo that her dad used to listen to. They sang to it. And maybe for the first time in a long while Max saw her really smile; she started singing too, why the fuck not. Then the house came into view. Well, house is an understatement. The husbands had a whole fucking domain; ranch and all. Arthur proudly announced that they built the stables themselves, like the chicken coops and most of the garden. They had 5 fucking horses, goats and, obviously, chickens.

Chloe jumps straight outta the car to stare at the large, lavender lined, fields. Beside the house were tucked some bee hives and if the thought of insects wasn’t creepy the fact that they got themselves home-made honey simply had her in awe. Dude. What kind of magical fairy gay fathers did she stumble upon.

“Woah.” Yeah she couldn’t help it; leaned over the railing of one of the pastures. It stretched for so long! And indeed 5 horses grazed peacefully not too far off.

Maybe today wasn’t so bad...

She caught herself smiling before one of the horses, one with a brown head, fixed her attention on her and came towards her. Others noticed too but didn’t move.

“E-easy there.” The animal poked her massive snout beyond the fence, lips pouted as if sniffing.

“Chloe!?” Max sounded scolding; “Did you even ask?”

“It’s a’right!” Arthur beckoned from the car, unpacking some of the essentials. Sebastian was talking to a middle-aged lady on the porch; she was probably going to take care of the animals while they were away. “I could show ‘em to you later if you want to!”

“Of course!” Chloe was in heaven-

Dog!

Came running like a bullet and hopped up on her, tongue out, trying to lap at her face.

“Aa-!”

“Copper!” Dog perked its head back to Sebastian. “Down boy!”

Chloe tried her best: “Down boy, down!”

Dog listened, pranced back on all fours, wagging his thick tail side to side with such power it moved his entire butt.

A whistle from Arthur: “Com’ere, boy.” Damn that accent carried over in the way he said boy, but with that dog was off to it’s owner. Cowboy wasted no time bending down to bend the fluffster, the praises carrying over to her.

“Chloe? Max? What’d you like for dinner?” Sebastian had his hands on his hips; she just noticed that the man was dressed in a flannel that was now wrapped around his waist leaving the man in a tank-top. Damn what a dad...

No, actually, all of this.

Lily poked her head out of the house: “Shrimp Fajitas!”

“Seconded!” Arthur said. “Some fries and guacamole? Think we still have a couple o’shallots.”

“The avocado’s in the bags.” Sebastian said, those last lines were between themselves.

“Yup, gotcha.”

“So’s everyone down for shrimp fajitas?”

“Hell yes!” Chloe resonated, sprinting down the pasture to back home- nope, not sprinting, her ankle hurt lie a bitch.

But she gets to the house eventually, and inside: sunflowers on the table in the living, a cat on the couch and the kitchen being warmed up for dinner.

Of course Max helped with the dinner, or tried to, ‘cause they sorta let her on the back burner. Chloe was watching in awe from the couch. The girl plopped on her lap at one point, asked if she was alright, complimented her hair. Then her and Max tried to braid it. Lily tried on her beanie. It was too big for her head but it suits her. Somewhat.

The all cooked, dinner got served up. Arthur went upstairs to feed the baby, and play with him until he was all exhausted and ready for sleep. Sebastian informed the two of them that Max will be sleeping upstairs in Lily’s bedroom while Chloe will get the spare room downstairs. And the food was fucking delicious, tasty and juicy, with a little beat of heat in each bite. The guacamole too, you could tell it wasn’t one of those store-bought kinds that tasted just a bit too sweet, just a bit too addicting.

And it’s the fullest she felt all week. The two of them have been living off fast-food and snacks bought from gas stations at 2PM for the last past few days... Always on the road... And today, despite losing the car... she kinda felt the happiest she has been in a while... Like, things were gonna look up...

Max found herself playing with the cat, unexpectedly named, drumroll, Cat, and she watched. Lily went upstairs, looking for a boardgame, but instead came down with Arthur. It was getting pretty late.

“We gotta get the horses in the stables, wanna come with?” Arthur asked the girls.

Lily already bolted out the door.

“Isaac’s sleeping?” Sebastian intervened, looking up from the sink where the dishes just got done.

“Not really. He’s still a bit rowdy.”

“Should I put in a round of laundry?”

“I ain’t thinkin’ we got any? We did the last batch yesterday ‘cause the trip.”

Sebastian bobbed his head, hands on hips. “I’ll figure something out.”

“ ‘Course you will.” A peck on the lips as the cowboy parted from his husband to go rustle some horses.

What can she say, Chloe got all excited about it: getting to witness the gay wild west up close and personal. Man seriously just went about rounding horses up with a few whistles. All 5 of them came right up, ears perked and eyes all doe-like, snouts extended. Both Max and Chloe got designated halter holders as Arthur put them around the horses’ heads one by one. Chloe got the courage to try herself, on the little horse, the pony. She did it! ... after apologizing for bending the animal’s ear. Arthur laughed though. Presented them all.

“The black one’s Ash.” That one was the first to go into the stable. “He was a racer; got in a accident: caught in the chute at the start of a race.” And the poor thing has one big scar on the shoulder and some smaller ones on the neck and cheek. “He’s a bit jumpy ‘cause o’that but he’s a real good loyal horse and I have a hunch he’ll just die for Sebastian ‘cause he’s lovin’ that man so much.” Arthur caressed the dark head before taking the halter off and closing the stall up.

Then outside again for the next horse: “The big brute’s Victoria.” Well she really was big, almost all white, but looked much gentler than Ash. “She was my first horse, even before I met him. Poor ol’ girl’s seen some stuff.”

Next horse; the pony: “She’s prob’ly the most expensive horse we got on ‘ere. Lily’s competition horse: Princess. And she lives up to the name.” Chloe got the sense that she was a spoiled little thing with a bit of a temper. She looked the part.

Up next the horse that came and greeted Chloe as she jumped out of the car: “Morrowind-”

“Wait. Like the game?” Max asked.

“Was Sean’s idea.” Who the hell was Sean? “Made Sebastian play The Elder Scrolls, but we couldn’t name‘er Skyrim.”

Max snorted: “Well why not?”

“Well you try riding a Mustang named Skyrim.”

“Woah, A Mustang? Like a wild horse?”

“Yeah, got her from the Bureau of Land Management. ‘bout last June I think. And the one left in the pasture’s Whitehide; also from the Bureau.”

 They still played that board game with Lily upon re-entering the house, up until the little girl more or less fell asleep in Max’s lap. She was to sleep with the dad.

And Chloe was to go downstairs. Spare room. And that’s exactly what it looked like: all filled up with trinkets and older stuff and... workout equipment. But there she goes, sneaking by the heavy machinery and under the yellow blanket of the bed there, trying to find a pose that felt nice. Head up, nope, on the side, still nope, on the belly, arms dangling from the side- wait what’s that.

Square, plastic, but paper thin- cigarettes.

Chloe sat straight up. Men smoked. Oh yes, yes, yes. She pulled one out and lit it up; she still got the lighter with her. Cranked up the window as well. Oh how she missed these. She could of used some of these this entire week, damn.

Yeah today wasn’t so bad. Today wasn’t bad at all.

She got no place to go. Maybe she can ask of them to stay here. She’d like to.

 She woke up to the soft strumming of a guitar. She thought it was a dream, but no, someone was actually playing the guitar; out on the porch. Baby gurgling. She got up to peek out the window; she could understand the lyrics now:

“Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys- Don’t let’em play guitars and ride’em old trucks-”

The front door swung open as Arthur got out with the bags he got out yesterday. They still had a holiday... and her and Max still needed to reach Seattle.

“Should I wake ‘em up? Don’t wanna drag the kids to Seattle. Isaac’s been awake-” a sigh. And for a moment Chloe felt like an intruder in this house.

“Let them sleep, Arthur, they had a rough day yesterday.”

Chloe watched the man seat down by his guitar-baby-holding husband, arm wrapping around the shoulders.

“Guess just anxious. Girls’ been through lot... barely survivin’ that tornado in Arcadia. That Chloe lost her family back there...” a sigh.

“We’re gonna get them to Max’s parents in Seattle. It’s gonna be fine.”

Chloe’s hands shook on the window sill. A huff. She went back to the cigarette pack she hid under the bed. She didn’t dare open up the window again.

Two cigarettes.

She heard someone come downstairs, thought it was Max so she opened up the door.

“Mornin’!” it was Arthur, grand smile on his lips.

Then a wheezed breath and a cough.

Oh shit...

Another cough.

“Can... Can you open up a window, Chloe.” And another cough. “Please.”

She rused to do so; clumsy hands didn’t do a good job at it, but she tried... Arthur leaned over towards the window, taking in some really deep breaths. She could hear Sebastian coming in from outside too.

“E-everything alright?” she dared ask; the coughing seemed to be gone.

“Yeah...” A drawn out inhale that sounded loaded with mucus, followed by a spit out the window. “I’ll be a’right...” A scratch of the beard.

Sebastian let Isaac roam the room:

“You smoked in here?” scolding.

“I...”

“Buck-” Arthur held his husband back. “It’s a’right. He ain’t known.”

The scowl that covered Sebastian’s face mellowed: “Go get some fresh air.”

Some more dried up coughs while trying to get the words out: “Will do. Gotta feed the horses.” And the man stumbled out.

“I’m sorry. I’m... I’m so so so sorry.” Chloe tried.

“Those were my cigarettes, right?” Sebastian cut her up.

“What?”

“The ones under the bed...”

“Yeah... I shouldn’t have-”

Sebastian listened, bobbed his head. “Help me open up the windows.”

And that they did; the man took the remaining packet and thre it in the bin. There was a story behind that... and Chloe’s not sure if she wants to know it. Dude’s all snappy because of it now. But once Max’s awake, they fix themselves some breakfast and set out to Seattle. It’s a few hour’s drive, depending on traffic.

 “Max...” They’re almost there, the skyscrapers breaking the horizon line with their ‘magnificence’. “I don’t think I can stay with your parents.”

“You know they won’t be mad at you for what happened.”

“I know, I know...”

“You’re not a burden, Chloe, okay?”

“It’s not that...” she snapped back. Sebastian gazed at them in the rearview mirror.

Silence.

“Is... Urhm, Sebastian... Do you think I can make it up to you? I...” This was so selfish of her, but she can’t help it: “I’ll stay just a few more days until I can make enough money to afford a place. I’m-”

“You’re always welcome at our place.”

“What?- Wait. Really?...”

“You need a place to stay, of course.”

  Safe to say she might have gotten adopted by fairy husbands. Oh, did she mention they were badass detectives too?

[digiauthorenergize]

This is a stress rant post. There are a myriad of sister updates that I’m sure people don’t care about but it’s fun gossip so I’ll put them under the cut. The sister updates will be followed by and interspersed with a bunch of personal ramblings that I was going to put in the tags but instead I decided to put all the positive stuff in the tags because no one should need to dig through this negative post to find the positive stuff going on. 

Do people trigger warning their rant posts outside of the tags? Is that a thing? I’m going to do it. TWs for my sister and her husband continuing to be garbage and Anxiety and like, old psudo-anorexia habits I had but idk it’s fine. 

So she had her baby! yay! he’s cute and good and healthy and it’s been a few months (like 4?).  We had a bonding moment a few hours before she gave birth, her husband (he’s still a huge ass more on that later) was asleep on the couch and I was sitting with her on her bed watching some absolutely garbage show and she said she was sorry. And it was genuine and soft and the stuff of hurt/comfort fics cause she was like ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have moved out like that. You were right and I’m sorry.’ and I just rubbed her head a little and said something that essentially meant ‘I’m still working through it, but we’re cool’.  And I thought for real we were good! That like, we were going to start having a normal relationship again and stuff! And then everything got exposed. 

First she had to get over her ppd (which is a very good thing but also allowed all the exposure that’s following all this) with required a lot of help and support from our mom who’s too good for her honestly. Literally our mom is too good for her. It’s so frustrating because on the one hand she needs the help and I get that, she’s always needed the help and all the attention and I get it. I do. but it doesn’t change any of the bs she’s been and continues to put our mom through. Mom’s paying for everything for the baby: diapers, formula (she’s not breast feeding for reasons that are further down and it makes me want to scream), clothing, all of it. She was coming over every day mom was off work for a while. She still comes over a lot, but it’s not just cause she likes the help. My mom is doing everything she can for my sister and called me last nigh saying she feels like a failure as a parent and it’s not fair because mom did a great job with the two of us honestly and just cause my sister can’t make a good decision to save her soul shouldn’t be a reflection on my mom. I’m functional (mom said she thinks I’m smarter than she is and that’s something my ego does not need to hear right now cause lemme tell you what I know I’m being judgy from this pedestal atop of which I sit). I look at all my options and make decisions carefully. I watch my funds like a hawk because I’m a grown ass adult and I don’t want to have to ask my parents for help (I’ve managed not to use any of my severance package from getting laid off in April <<did I ever mention that here? I got laid off in April so I stepped up at my second job so I wouldn’t be without healthcare and stuff. Also also internalizing that ‘I’m the good daughter’ mantra is NOT GOOD STOP IT.>>  and a huge part of that is my fiance being able to handle the utilities so I can focus on my own bills (my part of the rent, groceries, phone/car/etc). Just cause one of us is a hot mess doesn’t mean she did anything wrong as a parent! She did a great job! Or we’d both be messes! But I super digress. 

((Mom and I also had a talk about whether or not she should report the whole situation detailed below this line to CPS, and my opinion was ‘technically you should be talking to a professional about this not your daughter, but yes’ and she said she was going to talk to one of the social workers at work about it so))

My sister’s husband is using opioids. again. He hasn’t done any of the parole stuff he was supposed to do after he got caught with them the first time (re: my other long ass personal posts cause I don’t know how to keep rant shit and fandom shit away from each other) and he had 3 years to do them, so his FEDERAL DRUG POSSESSION CHARGE is going to go on his RECORD. **insert all of the frustrate at the stupidity of it all facepalms here like, i can’t even** Apparently they haven’t paid their rent in months and so they got an eviction notice over the long weekend, they’re like over 10k in credit card debt (and it’s all in her name I’m sure cause she had good credit before she married this dumbass), and APPARENTLY last winter they were so far behind on their electric bill after heating their apartment with the OVEN because their heater was broken (and they couldn’t tell their landlord because they were already behind on their rent) the company made them pay the bill in CASH. like. what the fuck??? We found all this out from his mom (who’s very nice but also very nosy) over the last holiday weekend where my mom took the baby for a few nights so that my sister could go see some fireworks (and you know, have some fun) but ended up keeping him for a week and his mom had had the baby for the week before the holiday. like! what! and apparently she’s been smoking weed again which is why she wasn’t breastfeeding which, good, but also like. Logically I get it: she’s depressed? she smokes weed. We have a family history of addictive tendencies but whatever I get it, it’s her thing and whatever. but also!!! what!!! the hell!!! 

oof. 

And then on top of all that, I’ve been trying to Logic my way through my anxiety like I usually do but it’s just...not working this time. My usual method is to take whatever the feeling I’m feeling is, identify it, acknowledge it, figure out exactly where the root of that feeling in this situation is and deal with that. But half of this is wading through my sisters bs and there are only so many times you can say “you’re feeling this way in part because you feel like you’re morally/intellectually superior to your sister in a way that’s not great (tm) (but the data supports this response and then it’s off on a tangent)” and “through past experiences you’ve chosen not to address your emotional response, instead focusing on finding solutions and therefore are under equipped to deal with all these feelings (tm) and as you continue to try to suppress them so you can put on a retail face and ‘function’, they keep coming out as barely controlled bursts of chaotic energy that you usually channel into writing projects but as the bursts grow more unpredictable you’re anxiety is popping up to remind you of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed last time this happened but those don’t actually work the way you thought they did”. And then my anxiety comes in and says “yeah they do” and god if only they did work the way I tricked myself into thinking they did cause I could go back to only drinking my calories and eating a real meal once a day if that (for like family dinner or whatever) and with the way my schedule currently is I could and it would be so easy to just starve my anxiety again for like 10-12lbs but that’s when you start being able to really see my ribs and that’s not great fam and I’m not going to go down that road again we’re riding it out this time damn it. 

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made 2 new music playlists. One I use to calm down when my anxiety spikes, it’s got low-fi remixes and different grounding techniques and is super chill. The other is literally ‘ok, so you wanna have this anxiety attack? We’re Gonna Go??’ and it’s all stressful music. I’ve gotten to the point where I can crest and regroup in 12 minutes, and if I time the playlist correctly I can do the whole thing in the shower while I’m getting ready for the day so when I’m done I just have to get dressed and go. Which is also not great but whatever fucking works I guess?

Also big ass unrelated side note: I’ve come to the realization that I’m Ace, but not sex-repulsed, which was a thing I had to tell my fiance and he kinda gets it? But not really? Cause that’s really important to him and his sense of self-worth which is a whole other thing we’ll probably end up in couples therapy for, but we’re both willing to do that so. 

As soon as everything else settles down we’ll get to that. Which is what I’ve been telling myself about my emotions for years. As soon as this settles down I’ll try therapy again. As soon as I have health insurance that will actually make it affordable. As soon as I get settled. As soon as I have time (and then I over book myself). As soon as as soon as as soon as. 

I’m so annoyed with myself. But it’ll be fine.  Sunshine comes after some rain and you need some rain to grow.  

[allisonm22]

95 Thoughts I Had During the PLL Finale

 If its not already obvious, spoilers below.

1) What the hell is this scene? 2) I think this is a dream, why is there no one else around 3) Jennas on a horse, dream theory confirmed 4) Off to a weird start already 5) Hannah is too nice, Mona tried to kill you honey, let that friendship die 6) Caleb won’t say hi? Thats super fucking shady baby please don’t be A.D. 7) oh fuck is that Melissa?  8) JK its mona..wait why is she even wearing a mask?  9) If I were Aria, I’d be pissed as hell that Hannah brought Mona along, like kick her ass out? 10) Oh god Aria,stop crying, why cant you marry bae? Actually I dont even care. 11) Spencer that was a BOLD move...oh fuck that its for scrabble?! 12) How is Mona trying to act like she doesnt know who A is, didnt she see him/ her at Radley? Or are we supposed to just forget about that? 13) oooh no poor Aria sorry boo 14) Oh hey its mary drake 15) the spencer/ mary drake relationship annoys me to be honest 16) how did the cop not see them holding hands? 17) Ezra is fucking goals..except that time he was kind of A and writing a book about them behind their back. 18) Aria’s dad will forever creep me the fuck out  19) Alison and Em’s mom are being so obvious 20) Alison is deff gunna propose 21) Random thought I’ve had since 2010- Spencer’s mom (before that mary drake shit) looks like Olivia Benson 22) Why do they keep talking about Addison? Why are we supposed to care about her? Marlene don’t make her part of this I WILL FLIP. 23) The moms mentioned the basement! Are they going to tell us how they got out?!?! 24) Nope they are not 25) I’ve been hearing about their relationships since 2010, wrap it up and start talking about A.D.! 26) whyyyyy do they dress Alison so horribly? Like even her pajamas are horrendous 27) called that proposal 28) That ring is so pretty!!! 29)”How much damage can she do in one night” FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!!! 30) any scene with a naked toby is a gift, I'm about it 31) Toby’s hair looks so soft 32) Who the fuck is playing the piano 33) ohhhh fuck its Mona, im not shocked though 34) Im getting vibes that someone is going to die 35) whaaaaaaat the fuckkkkkk is this place 36) whats happening 37) oh fuck how’d mary get out? I never know how to feel about her 38) DO NOT TELL ME SPENCER HAS A BRITISH TWIN 39) DO NOT TELL ME THAT 40) her british accent is horrendous 41) WREN! 42) Are they trying to pull a parent trap on PLL 43) omg all those times it wasnt spencer! 44) Hannah wasnt sleeping! YO TOBY FUCKED FAKE SPENCER TWICE!  45) I knew i got weird vibes from that airport scene! 46) but why would she do all this if she didnt even know Charlotte? 47) “Till death do us part”...SIG-NIF-I-CANT (sung like Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec) 48) Isn’t Wren a fucking psychologist?! there were soooooo many red flags buddy and you missed them ALL 49) oh fuck she killed him and put him in a necklace...casual 50) Remember when Marlene King lied and said they werent going to copy the books? 51) Well actually I take it back she didnt technically lie, she gave us not one but three sets of twins 52) going off track for a second, twins skip a generation so super unlikely that mary drake would have twins 53) also like why couldnt they mention Ali was having twins? im not understanding the twin obsession 54) Back on track...OH FUCK THEYRE WREN’S BABIES 55) Why cant mary help her? thats your daughter bitch! 56) yo Mary literaly sold Alex, I know she didnt have a choice really but thats fucked upppppp. 57) A.D.-Alex Drake....I literally just got that 58) Spencer I wouldve knocked mary out and RAN 59) why does she have bae/Ezra? like what is the point? 60) Rollins looks like Keanu Reeves 61) seriously why is Cece dressed like a fucking pimp 62) wait they just explained like five years worth of plot in five seconds and I can barely understand it because of THAT SHIT ACCENT! 63) honestly them explaining how  jenna/sara/sydney are involed so quickly shows how bad this ending really is 64) Toby is gunna figure it out with the horse doesnt like her!!! 65) Horses always know wtf is up 66) Jennas gunna sniff her out 67) Evil twin is such a big leap to make based off a person smelling weird 68) I feel like that whole squad accepted the evil twin theory too quickly like if someone came up to me and was like hey our best friend smells different I think shes being held hostage and the one walking around is actually her evil twin, I would be like ..............what 69) Mona’s a double agent! I think? another one im never sure about 70) Yay theyre out run babies run! 71) why the fuck would you split up have you people learned nothing 72) whaaaaaat, thats not real theyre not actually outside right? 73) I feel like I’m watching Lost honestly 74) Alex walking around with that axe though is my forever mood honestly 75) DONT YOU FUCKING DARE KILL EZRA 76) WAIT WHOSE WHO 77) OHHHH FUCK DONT SHOOT THE WRONG ONE! 78) He shouldve shot Alex fuck that she helped mary escape jail she could easily escape 79) Arias second wedding dress- SO much better 80) oh fuck you marlene king with your cameo shush yourself right off my screen 81) Mona sells dolls in france.....cool cool cool (not cool) 82) deff the creepiest thing ive ever seen in my life 83) oh wait just kidding now its the creepiest thing ive ever seen 84) so Mona’s just full blown psychotic, weve known that since season two thanks for the well written plot twist 85) Dont tell me Addisons about to go missing for a spin off 86) lol addison went missing for a spin off 87) nope sorry im out, i cant invest any more time into another marlene king shit show 88) lemme save you time babies, you better hope addison is dead, cause if not, youre in for a fucking roller coaster of a life 89) in conclusion, im SUPER PISSED jason didnt come back because i looooooved me some jason eye candy 90) I hate that this whole plot was orchestrated by an new character whose only motivation was that she was friends with cece. 91) why did everyone love cece?! she was so fucking shitty like the fuck? 92) I wanted it to be this intricate theory that theyve been planning for years, I really wanted it to be someone weve seen for the past seven years, someone in the background we wouldnt have even thought twice about, that wouldve had alot more shock value 93) also giving it to a new character takes away the opportunity to link A.D. back the original plot for the first five years. I hate how it was essentially two different stories, it makes me feel like the first five years were a waste. 94) Im just dissapointed because i REALLY wanted them to redeem themselves after the Cece/Charlie shit show and they had so many opportunities to make it great and they continued to drop the ball. I  like the characters and their personal storylines though, thats the thing ill miss, not the fake reveals and actual reveals that make no sense. Im all about their character growth and personally loved watching them grow on and off screen. Its just a shame the storyline couldnt do them justice. 95) Lets not let Marlene King write anymore shows, K? K.

[shakespearerants]

Why Modern Y/A Literature Is Shit - Five Lists, A Rant, And A Conclusion

Let’s start with the lists, shall we? First, we have the typical overused y/a protagonists. There are:

1) the incompetent-but-pretty female protagonist. I’m talking about that “oh I’m not like other girls I hate makeup and I’m sooooo clumsy and also a nerd because I don’t like to party” girl, the one that always says she’s ugly but is described as stereotypically attractive. Usually white. Always gets the insanely attractive guy in the end. Relatable ™.

2) the mysterious bad boy that every girl wants a slice of. Usually either rich, a supernatural being, or involved in some sketchy shit. Has a Tragic Backstory™ that is unlocked by the female protagonist after little-to-none probing, maybe some bambi eyes, when the story is at the point where he would look like a real douche if his shitty behavior was left unexplained.

3) the female Leader of the Revolution. Usually white. Fights for Freedom and What Is Good, would actually be pretty ok in my books, if there weren’t…

4) the male love interest of the female Leader of the Revolution. Usually very flat character. We know exactly two thing about him: a) He’s Sexy b) He’s In Love. Sometimes there’s a small bonus and we also know that he has a Tragic Backstory™, usually involving something that is supposed to show that he and the female Leader of the Revolution are Soulmates or at least that they have History Together. And then there’s…

5) the Love Triangle. Im counting this as “one” main character because, lets be honest, most (read: all that I know) love triangles don’t have enough depth to justify analyzing all three parts separately. It goes like this: girl was Normal and had Best Male Friend who was In Love With Her since Forever, but Never Said Anything. Then Something Happens and Guy Two (the mysterious bad boy) shows up, usually quite out of the blue. He is Mysterious and Experienced and Interested In The Girl, who is suddenly Very Important for a Higher Cause. Then Best Male Friend Gets Jealous and Confesses His Feelings when confronted by the Girl. Then all there of them go on an Epic Quest together. A common variation of this is Girl meets two boys. One is Nice™ and one is Sexy™. HOW WILL SHE DECIDE???!11?? (also epic quest in the backround)

And then we have the supporting characters. Who are usually either…

1) the gay OR the racially diverse Best Friend of the Protagonist. Especially if it’s a male protagonist. BUT CAREFUL!!!!!111! He has to be a) male b) EITHER gay OR racially diverse, and c) ok with casually used homophobic/racist stereotypes

2) the Nerd Friend of the (usually male) protagonist. Wears glasses. Doesn’t know anything about sports. Easily hurt. Thankful™ for their Cool Protagonist Friend. Usually bullied. Knows stuff about: a) Star Wars b) Comics c) Lord of the Rings. If the author is really adventurous he also cosplays, usually as a LOTR character

3) the Best Girl Friend of the incompetent-but-pretty female protagonist. Usually very flat character. Comes out of nowhere to Give Advice and disappears back into the void. 

But the most annoying thing is that literally almost every y/a novel or series that you pick up in literally any bookstore/library can be assigned one of these general storylines:

1) the Your Are Different storyline. Girl is Normal™. Maybe has a Tragic Backstory™, but nothing too bad. Then Something Happens and she learns that she is Not Normal, by which I mean that she either has some sort of supernatural powers or that she is The Long Lost Princess or at very least The Chosen One. Then some love triangle comes to spiel, she has to Leave Her Old Life Behind and Save The World. Book ends with some sort of sappy love confession or her deciding which part of the love triangle she chooses. Sometimes seen with a male protagonist, but without the love triangle. 

2) the Love Triangle storyline. Well. I think it’s self-explanatory.

3) the Supernatural Shit Going On storyline. Someone (usually a guy) is the Chosen One. Chosen One has to fight in order to save some recently discovered world/their own world. Meets some friends who are usually two or more dudes and one super badass girl who is only there because Equality™ and is either the one who gets Possessed By The Evil or is the only one who has to be saved at one point in the story. If we have a female protagonist then she and the girl Hate Each Other For Literally No Reason until the protagonist Saves The Girl in some very dramatic way and they realize that the other is Actually Not That Bad. Female protagonist usually teaches girl about Feelings and maybe sets her up with That One Guy In The Group that she’s had a crush on for Literal Years but never made a move because Feelings Are For Babys or she was Scared And Didn’t Know What To Say To Him. 

4) the This Book Isn’t Like Other Books storyline. Some shit that doesn’t have anything to do with interpersonal relationships or at the most bullying is going on. Usually features a Controversial Protagonist™ (read: the one who started the deeply illegal or at least sketchy shit that’s going on and is also the muggle version of Voldemort, character wise). The (usually male) protagonist, who is also a social outcast, now has to work to Stop The Sketchy Shit that he started, but he Can’t Do It Alone. A group of three people (two boys, one pretty girl), who are also a part of the Popular Group At School, are somehow pulled into the shit and help the Controversial Protagonist™ Fix His Mistakes and Become A Better Person. Sometimes they become friends in the end. 

AND, because I can, have some shitty shitty plot devices.

1) the Love Triangle. It’s shitty and unnecessary in every way because it always features at least 3 of these things: bad writing. Heteronormativity. Exclusively white people. Disregard of the feelings of the female lead by at least one of the guys. Use of past traumatic experiences of one of the male leads to justify predatory and/or dangerous/possessive behavior. Related to that: use of mental illness/trauma solely to gain sympathy of the audience. Characters’ (specially the guys’) lives and decisions revolve around romantic/sexual relationships. Related to that: romanticization of unhealthy relationships. Enforcement of gender stereotypes. Objectification of the characters (especially the male characters). 

2) Miscommunication. I don’t even have to say anything, do I.

3) The One Friend In The Group That Betrays Them All And The Subsequent Fallout. WHY. WHY do authors feel the need to have one person in a close-knit group of friends betray everyone. I mean, it would even be THAT bad if most authors didn’t use it as a cheep method to create suspense for the final showdown, or kill off a character, or to distract from the fact that most villains in modern y/a literature are really flat characters with no real motives for their plans for world takeover or whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish by giving them a radicalized follower. 

4) the Love Confession When The Guy Either Thinks She’s Chosen Someone Else Or Is Being Separated From The Girl. Like. NO. Just no. Thats like THE cheapest way to create emotional conflict. Or to subtly manipulate your readers. Because that is essentially what the author is doing: guilt-tripping you into supporting a relationship, because unless that guy was a real douchbag, and if he WAS, 99% of the people who read that stuff will be like “OH MY POOR BBY JUST GOT HIS HEART BROKEN” and BAM, no one’s gonna argue that his feelings aren’t genuine, or say that he doesn’t deserve her, bc bitch did you read this he confessed to her when he thought he was never gonna see her again  

5) the Love Confession From Her Jealous Best Friend. Again, a cheep way to create emotional tension and gain sympathy from the reader. 

6) the Vaguely Sexual Encounter. Usually something comparatively innocent, like a heated kiss or make-out session, usually used to intensify emotional dilemma, either because of a love triangle (I really can’t stand love triangles) or because she shouldn’t be kissing the guy or something. And the thing is, it wouldn’t even be a bad thing if it weren’t completely misplaced (like, a day away from the final battle misplaced) in most cases, or worse: slutshaming. Or, worse still: the cringey sex discussion that ends in either slutshaming or kinda just fizzles out.   

7) the We’re Gonna Die But It’s Okay Because I Love You talk, usually delivered by the male lead to the female lead before all goes to shit. And honestly I have never read a book where this shit happened where they knew each other for more than four weeks. And lemme tell you there is nothing more unrealistic than a teenage dude giving a two-page talk about why he loves a girl that he’s known for a maximum of four weeks. I once read a book where this happened and they knew each other for three days and made out once and he literally gave that speech twice (no, I’m not taking about Romeo and Juliet). Like, do you authors understand the people you are writing books for? Do you have any idea how teenage relationships work? 

8) Bulling That’s Used As A Plot Device But Ultimately Stays Unresolved or, even worse, The People Who Bully Me Are (A Part Of) The Group I Have to Join To Save The World And Suddenly We’re Best Friends. THIS. THIS is almost worse than the fucking love triangle shit. Because lemme tell you something: If bullying isn’t stopped, if the bullies don’t face consequences for their actions, then guess what? IT’S NOT GONNA FUCKING STOP, THATS WHAT. It’ll continue on and on and on until someone won’t take that shit anymore. Yeah, sure, it might seem like it stopped, especially if you’re seeing everything from the view of a character who was suddenly not bullied anymore, but let me tell you: that is an illusion. They just shift to the next victim. And it’s so so toxic to write it like everything is suddenly ok, oh my gosh. Because it’s not, it doesn’t stop, it just shifts to somewhere else, and thousands of bullied kids that read these books are gonna think that it does. And they’re gonna go and look at their bullies and start feeling sympathy for them because they read a hundred and one books where the bullies are actually good guys, so their bullies can’t be that bad, can they? And voila, thats the first step to excusing toxic behavior. The first step to make sure that these kids never speak up against oppressors. 

Some things that I am really sick of in general but even more when seen in y/a literature: 

1) bad and/or lazy writing, especially when it comes to character development

2) casual sexism

3) underrepresentation and/or stereotypization of LGBTQIA characters

4) underrepresentation and/or stereotypization of non-white characters

5) lack of female supporting characters

6) little to no character development seen in male characters, especially love interests/supporting characters

7) reinforcement of stereotypically masculine/feminine character traits

8) little to no explanation offered concerning culture and other specifics of fantasy worlds (also known as WHY WRITE FANTASY IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA INCLUDE SOME ACTUAL FANTASY)

9) romanticization of toxic relationships

10) hypersexualization of teenagers, because no matter how good looking he is, you shouldn’t describe a sixteen year old boy the same way you would a twenty five year old porn star

And the thing is that this isn’t some kind of one time thing. I didn’t just finish a series that i really disliked or read a few bad books in a row. This rant is the product of literal year-long frustration because I literally cannot find anything in the y/a section of bookstores and libraries and publishing companies websites that doesn’t feature at least one of the above mentioned main characters, one of the above mentioned supporting characters, and some variation of the above mentioned storylines. And I am honestly so sick of it, and so are many many more young adults, because in the beginning you just read that shit, you know. And then it comes to the point where you get so sick of seeing the same stories repeated over and over and the same characters used over and over that you start really searching for books that are different. But these books are so rare, and so hard to find! And after some time you start feeling like you’re being bullshitted by authors and publishing companies. Because most of y/a literature is not only cliche and stereotypical and just plain boring after some time, its also often very badly written. And I’m not just talking language here, though that is a part of it. I’m talking major plot holes, complete lack of character development, period novels or novels that feature time travel being so cringe-worthily historically inaccurate that you actually start wonder if the author did it on purpose, a suspense arc that would, drawn, look like a squiggly line or, even worse but sadly even more common, just a downward sloping curve that maybe, if you’re really lucky, curves slightly upwards again in the last five chapters. There are so many y/a novels out there that I seriously can’t imagine ever having been edited or beta read. And lately it seem like most publishing companies out there just don’t care what they publish any more, you know? Its just one love triangle after the other. And honestly society is moving forward at an increasingly fast pace, the current generation of teenagers and young adults is becoming more tolerant and open minded by the second, and the literature that is written for us, marketed towards us is still dominated by heteronormativity, all-white characters, a lack of male protagonists in the romance and of female protagonists in the action/adventure genre, and sexism. Like, okay, if you think a love triangle is necessary for your story, why not write in a bit of representation for the LGBTQIA community and make it a polyamory in the end instead of having your heroine decide between two hot guys? Or just feature a bi protagonist instead of the cliche straight girl? If you wanna write that stereotypical high school romance why not feature a protagonist who is not white for a change? Also there is a huge difference between books written for boys and books written for girls that is honestly, in my opinion, incomprehensible. Especially if you factor that most boys between the ages of 12 and 20 just don’t read novels because they think reading in general is stupid or they can’t relate to the characters that are portrayed. And this is honestly so concerning because most boys are behind their female classmates when it comes to reading and language skills, which scientists say is a result of boys reading less for enjoyment in their free time, especially less fiction. (sources: (x) (x) (x)) And honestly I can see where thats coming from, there is a) very little literature written for boys, and lets be real, how many boys do you know that would voluntarily read something thats explicitly being marketed for girls and b) the literature actually written for boys is tremendously boring and even more stereotypical and redundant than literature written for girls, plus, you sometimes get the very paradox impression that sex is a kind of tabu theme in boys literature. Like in girls literature its ridiculed and treated in some sort of prepubescent giggly way even though most of literature written for girls revolves around sexual and romantic relationships, but it is addressed, even if its done in an immature way. But boys literature is all about action and danger and bros before hoes. Most books written for a male audience don’t even feature a love interest. And again, this is paradox and kind of weird or even ridiculous because boys are expected to be sexually active from a very young age and the teenage years are the years of (sexual) self-discovery, so in almost all media boys are portrayed as very experienced and sure in their sexuality, except for literature aimed towards them, where they are treated the same way little children are treated: you just don’t talk about sex. How can you expect boys to be sure of themselves when you just leave them in the dark about what they are supposed to be sure about? And don’t even get me started on hyper masculinity portrayed in almost every male character I’ve ever seen in a book (honestly, I won’t start on it because I think that a) my point is clear and b) no one would actually have the patience to read this till the end if I did).

So what’s my conclusion? Well, mainly that y/a literature is currently a lot of shit, and it needs to change to fit the needs and interests of the group that it’s trying to reach. The current development in literature aimed towards young women that features a growing hyper-sexualization of teenage boys and a shift to almost exclusively straight romance literature combined with a gradual decrease of writing quality is very concerning, as is the lack of development in literature aimed towards young men, which seems to be stuck in three genres: mystery/thriller, sports, and action/adventure.