#and have like four close friends
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I’ve discovered my favorite genre of Bagginshield art is where Thorin is a lovesick idiot who is Losing It and Bilbo is unbothered or oblivious to Thorin’s suffering LMAO
#thorin oakenshield#bilbo baggins#bagginshield#if anyone has more please send it to me I have like four rn#I know I made a post a while back talking about how I wish there were more posts that focused on each of their lives outside of each other#and I still stand by that but I also can’t deny the fun in a Important Dwarf like Thorin turning into an idiot around Bilbo#tbh this works even platonically. this guy has friends bc he’s lucky not bc he’s actually friendly#so I can imagine becoming friends with Bilbo is like ‘fuck now I have to be nice bc he WILL actually leave. uh. oh god’#love men who are grouchy and offputting <3#and Bilbo is oblivious not as a flaw but bc he’s just not wired that way and he’s just accepting that Thorin is weird#bc he has no basis of which to assume he isn’t just Like That sometimes same way the dwarves don’t know shit abt hobbits#and it’s not as like. Bilbo being extremely innocent either he’s just not thinking about it LMAO#and Bilbo Also doesn’t have a ton of friends (different reasons but he IS also grouchy and petty) and he’s just ‘?? ok’#they’re both fucking stupid and everyone around them is dying and in anguish#I particularly enjoy when a character who is emotionally constipated and stoic and whatever just starts losing it#not even necessarily in a sappy or angsty way just. those emotions gotta come out eventually#so for a guy like Thorin who takes himself seriously and is very closed off emotionally it’s fun to just imagine that facade cracking#meanwhile Bilbo is just like ‘you ok??’#Bilbo himself has some emotional issues so it’s double the entertainment
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I love putting my favorite guys into increasingly unlikely scenerios
#love having a backlog of art and FORGETTING ABOUT IT#the legend of zelda#loz#my art#four swords manga#fsa#blue link#vio link#not sure how i feel about the lighting on the faces#my friend says blues hair is blinding#i swear i have a lore reason for it#ignore that it wasnt in the character refs#he dyes it close to their original color but i like coloring it elsa blonde#CHAT IGNORE THAT THE TRIFORCE IS ON THE WRONG HAND#im so bad at left and right im so sorry#Four Swords#Four Swords Adventure
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tries to sleep, fails, gets melancholy, copes by writing purple turtle fic donatello/reader, gn!reader, rated t, 1.6k. insomnia, friends to.... friends, (were you ever just friends? are you something more? what is love if not friendship shifted an inch to the left?), yearning, yearning, yearning, yearning—
Donatello is sleeping.
Hefting a fatigued sigh, you hover in the doorway to his bedroom for a moment. Staring at his face, taking it in. He’s gotten unfairly handsome as the years have gone by. Beautiful, even. Pretty angles, sharp defined lines, dark seductive eyes. Like this, unmasked, slack in sleep, it’s free for you to look as much as you want. More than you can during the day. A little secret thing just for your own heart’s keeping.
…Best friends shouldn’t want to stare at each other like this, you think with an ache.
It’s late. You can’t sleep. Lying down has provided nothing but racing thoughts you can’t quiet. Things to do tomorrow. Things to say when you see someone. Things to write down if you can hold them until the morning. Things, things, things. So many things in your head, ten thousand little voices like little snowflakes in your skull. Each small, powerless; but together, a force too mighty to outrun.
And Donnie is sleeping. Normally he’s awake. Fiddling, poking, prodding, studying, twisting, cracking, bending. Available to draw you into sleep. Always soothing, petting your hair, cooing at you until you drift off at last to the dulcet sounds of his low rumbles.
But not tonight. Tonight he sleeps, pretty in his sheets even as he’s all sprawled out and drooling. Cute. He’s cute. He’s cute and close enough to touch but so, so far away that you know you never will. Not like that. Not like that.
It’s late. You can’t sleep.
Slowly, not wanting to wake him, infuriated with yourself just at the thought that you’d risked it by lingering as long as you have, you peel away from his door frame and sneak into the living room. The couch greets you again. Inviting, soft. It smells like turtle ass. Popcorn. Movie night. It smells like family, like home. Scratchy beneath your cheek. You’ve been meaning to get them some new pillows. The way Mikey had laughed so hard he’d snorted his drink. Leo’s squawk when it got all over him. The weight of Donnie’s arm on your shoulder when he’d leaned on you while laughing until he got the hiccups. His cologne, new, smells nice. You should tell him tomorrow.
(You can’t tell him. There’s no way for a best friend to look at the other with pupils shaped like hearts and be the same. You can’t tell him.)
Heavily, you sigh. It’s late. You can’t sleep.
You sit up. Get up off the couch. Stretch a little before exhaling and walking around a bit to try and work off some of this excess energy. The darkness of the living room isn’t so much, anymore, what with how your eyes have adjusted. You can see the pieces of the evening strewn about. A pizza box that Splinter’s going to find in the morning and yell at the lot of you for not throwing out. Raph’s teddy bear, leaning against the other couch where he’d been pretending he hadn’t been using it to hide his face in the scary parts. Mikey’s cup, half-full, forgotten in Leo’s panic to find paper towels. And—
—Donnie, standing in the doorway, bleary-eyed, arms folded.
“Why are you awake?” he asks, voice tumbling over your ears like rocks on a riverbed. Guilt strikes you like a blow. He’s exhausted. You’ve woken him up.
“I’m sorry,” you say as an answer, tangling your fingers in the shirt you’d borrowed out of his closet. The shirt you always borrow. The shirt that’s half yours, now.
Donnie’s quiet. You sink your teeth into your lower lip and hope he’ll shrug and go back to bed. Maybe, if he’s lucky, he’s got enough sleep juice in him that he’ll drift right back off and forget this happened.
He doesn’t. “…Can’t sleep?”
The guilt burns your skin like sand in the wind. You smile and pretend. “I’ll be okay. Go back to bed, Don. You need it more than I do.”
He doesn’t.
“…Please?” you try again.
You’re met, instead, with a sigh. He rubs the back of his head where his mask would tie if he were wearing it. Lets his arm fall to his side—ah, except no. He’s holding out his hand, palm outstretched, inviting you to come close. When you don’t, his beak wrinkles. “Come here.”
You take a few steps closer, but don’t take his hand just yet. “What are you doing?”
“Just come here,” he says again, curling his fingers a few times in an imperious grabby command. You come closer. He opens his tired eyes in a squint, mouth dipped into a frown, and his gesture gets more demanding. “Come here.”
Stepping closer, closer, closer, finally you get within range. You realize he wants your hand the moment he loses patience with you, watching as he rolls his eyes and reaches out to encircle your wrist with strong fingers. They eclipse the bones there easily, tugging as he turns, pulling you out of the living room.
“Don—” you start to protest, but he stops you with a breath.
“Stubborn,” he accuses, though there’s no heat to the word. The scoff is thick on the back of your tongue—Donnie of all people calling you stubborn—but you don’t let it out, knowing it’ll be too-loud in the pitch night.
He pulls you into his room, the very room that had been such a sweet siren song to you earlier. He pulls you towards his bed. He pulls you in behind him when he settles in. He pulls you beneath his blanket. He pulls, pulls, pulls, until your chest is flush to his plastron and his arm is around your waist and his breath is in your face and your heart is in your throat.
It’s late. You’re not going to be able to sleep.
“…Go to sleep,” he says after a few seconds, doubtless able to feel the way your pulse is like a hummingbird against his skin.
“Sorry,” you say in lieu of—anything else. You don’t dare try to say another word, unsure of what exactly would tumble out instead. Perhaps a sweet poem about the texture of his skin against yours. Maybe a lament that he feels the need to tuck his thigh between yours so so so close to where you wake in a pool of sweat dreaming of his touch. Or possibly a whispered confession that tastes like lightning and blood and sugar all at the same time; that you want this but not this, you want this but more.
Gently, a forehead bonks against yours. Dark eyes open and meet yours, centimeters away. He studies you, and you watch the gears turn. More slowly than usual, lethargic even, because of his slumber.
“You’re thinking too much,” he murmurs. Dumbly, you nod. “Need to talk about it?”
“…Yeah,” you admit, then, “…but I won’t.”
He doesn’t like that. A frown mars his beautiful, beautiful face.
“Why?”
You swallow the incredulous laugh, the kaleidoscope of responses. They’re all irrelevant, impossible to share, save for one. “You should sleep.”
Donnie’s hand tightens, fingers curling in his—your—shirt in the small of your back. “So should you.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“…I don’t understand.” The confession, rare, makes you sigh.
“…I don’t either,” you tell him. And you don’t. Why did you have to feel this way for him? Why couldn’t it be someone easier that stole your heart? Why does it have to be the one person you can’t stand to lose? Why does he have to be so comfortable touching you like this and making it hurt even worse? Why can’t you stop feeling this way?
Why can’t you sleep? Why can’t you sleep?
His fingers unfurl from your shirt. His hand dips beneath the hem, finding the skin of your back. Slow shivers spread like little earthquakes as he strokes along your spine, tectonic caresses that ripple and destroy. It's familiar enough a touch that you don't stop him; unfamiliar enough that it rends you inside out.
Donnie leans in. Ghosts his lips along your jaw. It’s not a kiss; you’re just friends, after all. But it’s a sweet caress that feels good, all the way to where he lingers at your ear, whispering there, quivering at the touch that's too close to something else to be fair. “Close your eyes.”
You have one rule: listen to Donatello. So you do; you close your eyes, let his nails drag down your back, let his mouth press warm into your pulse, let his chest rumble with churrs that fill the night air with something akin to a lullaby. His legs curl around yours, mixing, confusing, making the separation of you disappear.
It’s… maddening. You hate this. You love him. You love him so much. You hate that he can do this so easily.
“Shhh,” comes the gentle coo against your skin, like he can tell you’re pulling away from his intent. You obey that, too. Donnie says to be quiet, so you quiet. Thoughts, movements, words; all of them fall away at his beckoning. “Just like that. Good.”
Good, you think, feeling a little fuzzy. It feels good to be good for him. God. You’d be so good for him—but no. None of that, now. Not when you can pretend that these little presses of his lips are kisses. That the thickness of his thigh pressed to your shorts means something. That his hand scratching lines in your skin is something meant to claim as much as it is to calm.
“Making me work for it tonight,” you hear him mumble, half-conscious of the words, not sure if they’re real or part of a dream he’s built for you. “Good job, sweetheart. Just like that.”
More brushes of his mouth. A slow glide of tongue. A lovely dream, you think, finally letting your muscles go slack. A dream of a Donatello who would hold you like this, talk to you like this. A Donatello who is more than just your best friend.
It’s late. Finally, warm and held and pulled into a sweet dream, finally, you sleep.
#me slurring with a voice thick with sleep: two best friends that are in love but too close to tell and so they dance like leaves in the wind#forever brushing close. darting about like little butterflies. gossamer wings catching the light and enchanting one another w each breath#but too close. too close. you can't see the scope of a painting when it's the single strokes that catch your eye.#.....................it's almost four in the morning. im sure there are errors but i shan't be fixing them now. have it as it comes#tmnt#rise#donatello/reader#my fic#rating: t
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See, here's the thing about Dedue and the non-Dimitri members of the Faerghus Four. They're not his friends. Ashe and Mercedes are his friends, Annette is debatable, but Ingrid, Felix, and Sylvain he is not even looking to be friends with.
They're his in-laws. In-laws that, at least in the Academy phase, he doesn't even particularly like.
Like, if not for Dimitri, he would absolutely not talk to those people. He's making nice with them because they're the closest thing Dimitri has to family that's not actively trying to murder either of them, and they're important to Faerghus so Dimitri has to have a relationship with them no matter what, and it's important to Dimitri that they and Dedue at least kind of get along with each other as much as possible.
But Dedue isn't trying to be friends with them! Dedue is like, I'll go to the family holiday party because it's important to you but if Felix starts talking shit or Ingrid says something racist then I'm not going to be the one to deal with that. They're your relatives and I'll be nice but that's your problem. He's not looking to be close with them, he just wants to have a halfway decent relationship with them for Dimitri's sake and like no more than that.
And they improve a lot in their supports, especially after the time skip, especially in Three Hopes, but like. The relationship there is still fundamentally in-laws. It's just a graduation from "shitty in-laws I'm putting up with" to "in-laws I've come around on and can have a decent-to-good time with." Depending on what supports you get they can even graduate to "in-laws I actively like and admire." But like. He's still hanging out with them because they hang out with Dimitri. He's not hanging out with them for their own sakes.
Dimitri has one important familial relationship with them and another vitally, crucially important relationship with Dedue. Both are fascinating to explore and I love to explore them. But they're completely different relationships.
Like they're not all a big five-person friend group, Dimitri is in the position of having to like. Try and keep the peace between his extended family in all but name who he still loves, and the person who has been the most important person to him for his entire teens so far. Even if Dimitri were tired of his friends' shit personally he can't just stop talking to them, they're the future leaders of their houses, the only houses that are all in behind House Blaiddyd and not fomenting assassinations. He HAS to maintain a good relationship with them for Faerghus.
Dedue gets this. He'll play nice with them. He knows Dimitri also needs them on his side if he's ever going to restore Duscur, but he doesn't have to like them. He'll save their asses on the battlefield for Dimitri but he's going to go hang out with Mercedes and Ashe after.
#this is not a Faerghus Four hate post to be clear i love all the Lions and am insane about Dimitri's relationship with his childhood friends#and i individually love every Lion for their positive and admirable qualities which they do each have many of#but OH BOY are Dimitri's friends not winning any points with Dedue with their garbage when they're teenagers#Sylvain is fine but he's on thin ice with Dedue#yes they're still teenagers yes they're like that because of very real trauma and Dedue even gets the trauma like he misses his family too#but hoo boy is their shit Not His Fucking Problem#they can shape up on their own#you can interpret Dedue's relationship with Dimitri as platonic or romantic but they're still close enough that 'in-laws' applies#fe3h#Dedue Molinaro
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@reserved-fruit thank you for the link to this video with Kris' heart ring (goes perfectly with Keep Me Grounded, Keep Me Calm, just saying 👀 do you like friends (Bojan and Kris) comforting each other and jokingly proposing while still being deeply serious about how important their friendship is? Go read this!).
Here's some screenshots to look at with me, why? Because I'm a touchstarved bitch and scream and cry at any sighting of physical affection. Thank you Bojan for providing enrichment in my enclosure.
Also this one. Because I see a mention of friends spending time together because they love each other and love spending time together, I scream and screech in missing my friends noises.
#i'm half convinced alistair has saved me on discord as touchstarved fuck or something#anyway. do these fuckers know how LUCKY they are to have their friends this close at any given time?#I spent 2 1/2 weeks at my parents' during christmas and I saw friends I think... three maybe four times#plus a visit at a friend's place across the border for two days#which i was very happy about! i was really happy about the times i did see friends!#but it also sucks that everyone's so busy with their own lives and responsibilites and whatnot that it's this hard to see friends now#plus that one friend who just doesn't answer anyone anymore. just TELL US if you don't want to see us anymore#that's okay. it would still hurt but sometimes a friendship has come to its end and that's okay even if it hurts. but don't just#ghost your entire friend group while still sending snaps and then not answering if we answer there#okay that turned into a rant#because like bojan in the shower with kris i am incapable of shutting the fuck up in the tags#go read that fic!#mine#joker out
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"And Lundy, talk about all the different Finns on this team: one of them a good friend of yours, Eetu Luostarinen got married pretty quickly right after the Cup got done. How did that party compare to the Cup parties? You guys just kept the action going it feels like!" "Yeah, I mean, it was awesome to see one of my best friends get married and be a part of it! But it got a little tight with the time since the season went so far—he actually missed his bachelor party but I think he's pretty happy with the parade and the parties we had in Florida so I don't think he minded that too much... but it was awesome to be a part of his wedding and see all his friends and family celebrating; that was a special moment as well."
Territory Talk | 8.26.24 (x)
#anton lundell#eetu luostarinen#florida panthers#something funny about luosty missing his own bachelor party#because at that point he already expected to you know not be busy with other things#welp the hockey gods have a funny way of looking at it eh?#its okay he basically had a how many week long bachelor party with all the cup festivities in soflo im sure his liver couldnt distinguish i#is it really a wonder why mr flaps closed let loose huh#but yeah no i cant imagine the wedding timeline and going through it#because like tiia and luosty also had to wait until his cup day was over before they could have their honeymoon#literally the day after they flew out to the maldives#so like fun cup stuff but i absolutely cannot imagine having everything so tight together like that#“it was awesome to see one of my best friends get married”#“and see all his friends and family celebrating that was a special moment as well”#YOU SWEET SENTIMENTAL BOY YOU#always remember these two live in each others pockets#like the finnish four always live in each others pockets but like these two specifically jesus#jameson going “good friend” to play it safe and lundy busting in with “well hes my BEST friend so write that down”
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show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw
#please ignore the rest of the tags i will just be making things up#okay they start out in carolina but at least half the episode takes place in dc. do not ask me how travel logistics would work#tory spends the entire episode off with tempe doing bone stuff. booth feels upstaged by a 16-year-old girl#so he goes and hangs out with ben who does NOT trust him right off the bat#ben ends up having to run him over to liri at some point because there's crime afoot and tom is busy. they spend most of the ride in silenc#ofc they end up bonding Eventually because they are both obsessed with crazy emotionally stunted redheads named t brennan#tory is more effective than any of the squinterns and manages to piss hodgins off so bad just by existing#coop hangs out in the lab as saroyan tries to kick him out thirty times. he just keeps showing up and she can't prove who's letting him in#(it's tempe.) angela loves tory but tory does not love angela back. saroyan tolerates her. sweets likes her but knows she's hiding somethin#comes to the conclusion that she can read her friends minds and slowly drives himself crazy because obviously that can't be true#tory brings hi along whenever she needs someone with people skills and he is MORE than happy to participate in a hodgins experiment#hi gets to be king of the lab for about ten minutes. shelton hits it off with angela immediately and they solve half the case together#booth fucking HATES hi because he's evasive and really good at the manipulation thing. booth can't win verbal sparring and he gets Big Mad#at one point the four of them are in an interrogation room together (MISTAKE) because tory had them meddling a little too close to the sun#and booth is trying so hard to question them which didn't work even when they COULDN'T read each other's minds#tory figures out who did it and hi steals her thunder a la shrek wasnt vandalized he gave birth#temperance tells tory 'i know you've got a secret sweets told me and even though i don't trust psychology i find he's insightful' etc etc#tory's like well i might be but i can't tell you it's not just my secret and you wouldn't believe me anyway#because let's be real tempe WOULDNT believe her#meanwhile saroyan convinced by sweets paranoia managed to get a sample of tory's blood and test it and is like HEY WHAT THE FUCK#gets hodgins and they just stare at the results together and delve into conspiracy theories. he's like i KNEW there were werewolves#they debate telling tempe but know it wouldnt end well for the kids and decide to get rid of the evidence. but hodgins is SO smug#also angela spends the whole episode trying to convince everyone hi and shelton are dating and no one believes her#they finally see them kiss or something and they're all somehow floored and angela's just like yeah? duh?#if anyone read this i'm sorry and why
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Current wip going on!! 🍒
#wip#idk about other artists but#I asked my art friends and they said they had a ton of wips#and yeah I have a ton too!#but like within the past year I’ve gotten better at following thru with my pieces#so I will finish this eventually!#I have four birthdays back to back tho#which is nice cause they’re all close friends and my mom lol#anyway don’t mind me rambling in the tags#bella rambles#<- just in case lol
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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I fucking love the desert I haven't been there in years but between constant danger days thoughts and falling in love with it back when I've visited family there i can just zone out and feel like im standing there im so fucking like spiritually connected to it.
#talk to me about the desert please i want to talk about exploring it and finding cool stuff and hunting scorpions for fun and and#everything the horrible heat but the energy there the mirages but the spirituality of being in the desert and seeing the#vast horizon#like lsdunes said. the limitless sky#one day im going to put a little trailer on some land in the desert and make it my quaint little home#and have a cool garden like my aunt with her little trailer in the redwoods#and itll be my escape for art and music and a cat and room for friends to stay as long as they dont mind cuddling or the futon#and ill explore the desert every day#and send praise for the Phoenix witch for real#and become one with the buzzards and coyotes#because every time i close my eyes im back in socal a mile out in the desert#standing in a shack i found with no windows or doors anymore and no roof just four disintegrating concrete walls#with a poem graffitied on the wall inside talking about the sun and god#and my pockets full of forgotten artifacts#cool rocks rusted bits of metal and one apache tear i found in the sand#that looked like the night sky had fallen#dripped to the desert below and solidified#and the desert decided to gift it to me#corvids rambles
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???
Some reddits that made me laugh
#dragon's stupid thoughts#checked what the differences between four swords and fs adventure is#fs is multiplayer exclusive while fsa can be beat alone#this is gonna be really tough for me to beat this game as I don't have any (gamer) friends#so - just like a different redditor - I'm gonna get a second gba and play one with my hands and one with my feet#yay...#having no friends is easy with pokemon and it's trade mons. just get a second console and the problem is solved#but here you need two complicated inputs at the same time#sigh#anyway. i only missing three zelda games and then I have them all! (aside the cd-i titles)#which would be fsa. oo ages and the first one on nes#I'm so close!
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me w my lil group of ars goetia bbies watching everyone getting involved w them bc of mastermind
#i do have more ars goetia demons#but they just aren't on here bc they didn't get much attention#even from me#unlike my main four#i still love them but#they are just on the back burner for now#like ipos is v close w vepar#v much mermaid/fish friends lmao#local neighborhood idiot ⸢ ooc. ⸥
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#dragon age#as a nonbinary trans person this is fairly close to how i felt about it#in some ways inquisition did trans inclusion better just because it engaged with it in the context of the in-universe cultures#which is not to say it was without flaws either#at minimum they could've cast a transmasc VA for Krem for example#and veilguard does a great job there! there are at least four confirmed trans characters all played by appropriately gendered trans actors#but i've played through the entire game as a nonbinary rook#and now started another run as an aqun-athlok qunari who's socially transitioned but not physically#and when you use the mirror to mark your character as trans there's zero option to say your physical presentation hasn't changed#and you're happy with that#ultimately i feel like it's a symptom of the broader problem of the game in that everything is relatively shallow compared to earlier games#there wasn't enough time/care put into making stuff fit into the world and give it depth and meaning#i have friends who've found this plotline to be enlightening and empowering and i am so happy for them that it's opened the door#i do not think including the trans stuff was a mistake in any way whatsoever and i'm glad they did it#i just wish it'd had more time to cook#I ALSO wish we hadn't been stuck with a binary choice of encouraging Taash to be Rivaini or Qunari at exclusion of the other#both because they're nonbinary and because that's how being an immigrant or mixed race works#it's really weird to insist it has to be one identity or the other period
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my mum has stage four cancer
#we found out a week ago#august 4th - the worst day of my life#so there were a bunch of tests that mum hated so her team of doctors could have all the info they needed#but the last few days we've been out of hospital and. adjusting to life back at home#i've become a decent nurse#i lost feeling in my nose for four days due to intense crying#there are. no words for how devastating this has been#mums been sick a while. but neither of us could have predicted it was something so serious#and it's. very serious. i was in hysterical denial at first but#while i do believe theres a chance she'll live. that a miracle will happen#its very likely my mum. my wonderful mum will die#its not the ending she deserves. she deserved to have decades more. to hold her grandchildren#but it may not be#we have no idea how long until. nobody does. could be weeks. could be years. i'll take care of her#and she's on heavy painkillers around the clock so whatever happens? she won't go out suffering#i wasn't looking forward to telling y'all because. i knew it'd make me cry again#but i feel like using tumblr again. so i felt i should say something#i have been open about this to my close friends tho to be clear. i havent been bottled up. but yeah#ahead of time i say: thank you
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its kind of a brainfuck to know that your parent is actively engaged in ontological, superficial evil. like ive known since at least age 13 that my dad is a bad person. he's a great guy, great father, so caring and charming and really a picture perfect person--he had anger issues that he's resolved with therapy, he's open minded, he became a better father and husband, he's changed in his life, he's introspective and humble--and he is actively part of a system of racism, misogyny, abuse, violence, hatred, prejudice, and all around institutionalized Bad. and he loves it in a lot of ways. he finds it fulfilling. he's been working for this system nearly as long as ive been alive. infant me was at his swearing in. many of the things that people love about him: generosity, compassion, protectiveness, fairness, friendliness. these are all the same things behind why he chooses to stay in this system. i havent tried talking to him about how disturbing i find it all since freshman year of high school, when he told me he chose his profession because he wanted to feel like a hero. im his daughter. i will never be able to properly have the conversation with him that needs to be had in order to open his eyes to how fucked up what he does is. my dad wakes up every morning and goes into work and the system he upholds with every hour of labor is evil and cruel and selfish and harmful. morally destitute, abjectly horrific, devoid of reflection or accountability, however you want to say it. and he's my dad. thats my dad. hes taking me and my friends out for dinner tomorrow night and on sunday he has a shift at the evil factory. i hope-- -------
#vent#daddy issues#sorry friends its#jessica talks about her dads moral bankruptcy hours again#(dont complain its been like four years since ive done anything even close to this)#god i love you dad why did you have to be Like This
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my tumblr blog is the perfect level of privacy in between my regular instagram story and my close friends instagram story
anyways i broke up with my boyfriend today and i cant believe im still fucking expected to reply to 2 classmates tonight and then work 9am-1pm tomorrow and then drove 40 minutes to school for a stupid midday intro-level class and then stick around until 6:45 for my grad level major class. fuck that man im playing a furry dating sim and daydreaming all night about telling my favorite local band all my deepest darkest secrets in a way thats just comedic enough to make me not seem like a creep next time i get korean bbq with them again
#i kinda hate how instagram lets everyone know theyre a 'close friend'#i should at least have different groups to assign them to. like group chats.#rambles#on tumblr its just like if you care enough to read it then youre a close friend easy#anyways im pretty sure im not actually creepy towards my favorite local band#im just like. never been friends with someone im also a fan of? and lowkey still getting use to the fact that#real bands are just four dudes independently doing their own thing. and not like. some sort of four headed creature#this pen always rips too harsh ugh#oh to elaborate i mean i felt creepy for thinking 'the band' likes me because two of the members happily greet me and initiate conversation#with me but the other members dont. but like its fine like 'the band' isnt a person who is capable of being my friend#okay shut up i am starting to seem insane now.
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